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PRINTED FOR 
 
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 225 Copies on Ordinary Paper ; 
 25 Copies on Whatman's Paper ; 
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 Mtirray &■ Gibb, Edinburgh, 
 Printers to Her Majesty's Statiwery Office. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 HIS little book has been considered 
 worth republication for two reasons, — 
 for its intrinsic value, and for its rarity. 
 Although from 1630 to 1660 at least nine 
 editions were issued, so literally have they been 
 devoured by their admirers, that a copy of any 
 one of them is now quite a rara avis, and the 
 curious have to pay a high price for the treasured 
 possession. No better proof than this could be 
 afforded of the excellence of the entertainment 
 provided in its enlivening pages. A more amus- 
 ing budget of odd stories, clever witticisms, 
 and laughter-moving tales, is not to be found in 
 
 the 
 
VI Preface. 
 
 the Jester's Library. Though it might well be 
 a gathering from the repertory of the famous, 
 Royal Jester whose name it now bears, his 
 actual connection with it is very problematical 
 indeed. The first four editions make no mention 
 of the Jester's name whatever, the address to the 
 reader being signed * Anonimos ; ' and the use of 
 it in the fifth and sixth editions, with the insertion 
 of the portrait, was evidently a mere trade device 
 for furthering the sale of the book, the address to 
 the reader, though professing to be by the King's 
 Jester, being exactly the same as that in the 
 preceding editions, and bearing the same signa- 
 ture 'Anonimos.' Time has failed to unveil the 
 identity of this ' Anonimos,' and it is now pre- 
 sumably lost beyond recall. Perhaps, indeed, it 
 may not be regarded as a matter of much conse- 
 quence. The collection speaks for itself. Its 
 history shows it to be the accepted representation 
 of the wit and humour of the courtly and polite 
 
 society 
 
Preface. VI I 
 
 society of the time ; and that, together with its 
 actual merits, is entirely sufficient to endow it 
 with a lasting interest, whoever may have owned 
 its parentage. 
 
 Regarding its putative father, however, a few 
 notes, some hitherto uncollected, may not be 
 deemed out of place, as it is probably here that 
 they will be looked for. 
 
 Archie seems to have been caught early, the 
 habits of his clan obtaining him an introduction 
 to Court in the usual capacity in which Armstrongs 
 figured there, and his native talent enabling him 
 to utilize it to advantage. The story runs thus : 
 — A border sheep -stealer, with the corpus delicti 
 upon his shoulders, was tracked by the minions 
 of justice to a moorland cottage, where they found 
 no one but an apparently 'half-witted' lad 
 vacantly rocking the cradle of some younger 
 relative. The baffled officers were on the point of 
 retiring, when a sudden thought instigated them 
 
 to 
 
VIII 
 
 Preface. 
 
 to turn over the infantile couch, and to their 
 amazement the sleeping innocent turned out to 
 be the missing sheep. The astute but discomfited 
 delinquent was at once seized upon and carried to 
 Jedburgh, where James the Sixth was holding a 
 Justice-aire. 
 
 Condemned to die for his crime, Archie Arm- 
 strong — for it was he — pleaded with the King that 
 he was a poor ignorant man, who had but recently 
 heard of the Bible, and who was desirous, for his 
 soul's sake, of reading through the precious volume : 
 would his Majesty's grace be pleased to respite 
 him until he had done this ? The good-natured 
 monarch easily acceded to the petition, on which 
 Archie immediately rejoined, with a sly look, 
 ' Then de'il tak' me an' I ever read a word o't as 
 lang as my een are open ! • The King was so 
 pleased with the fellow's ready wit, that he forth- 
 with employed him in his service. 
 
 This service seems to have been, at least at 
 
 first, 
 
Preface. ix 
 
 first, that of a kind of gentleman groom of the 
 chambers, preceding the King when in progress, 
 and providing and superintending the royal quar- 
 ters ; in which capacity we find him made a free 
 burgess of the city of Aberdeen. 
 
 Later on, however, he is spoken of simply as 
 the Court fool ; and throughout the appended series 
 of selections from the Calendars of State Papers, 
 which supply data for the greater part of his 
 Court life, all allusion to him is in that capacity. 
 
 1 The character of the Court fool of former days is com- 
 monly somewhat undervalued. Generally speaking, he was 
 a compound of humour, tact, and impudence ; and ob- 
 tained his title less from being, than from playing, the 
 fool. In many instances, the man who wore a cap and 
 bells had quite as much sense as the man who was 
 decorated with a coronet. Archibald Armstrong was as 
 shrewd, sensible, witty, and good-humoured an individual 
 as ever filled the high station to which he had been called. 
 In our times he would have probably been famous for con- 
 versational pleasantry, or as a writer of facetious fiction.' * 
 
 1 Jesse's Memoirs. 1857. 1. 312. 
 
 b Not 
 
X Preface. 
 
 Not many illustrations of Archie's talents have 
 come down to us, but such as have are well 
 worth repetition ; they are characterized by all 
 the wit necessary for his office, but without the 
 caution which should have guided his sarcasm. 
 
 His conversation with the King in reference 
 to the secret expedition of the Prince into Spain 
 is much admired for its admirable wit : — ' I must 
 change caps with your Majesty,' Archie said. 
 * Why ? ' asked the King. * Why, who sent the 
 Prince into Spain ? ' replied Archie. * But suppos- 
 ing,' returned James, ' that the Prince should come 
 safely back again.' ' In that case/ replied the 
 Jester, ' I will take my cap from my head and 
 send it to the King of Spain.' 
 
 That Archie himself accompanied the Prince 
 in his romantic expedition, can scarcely be held 
 to be an objection to the probability of this 
 colloquy; for though its point has been preserved, 
 the exact words probably have not. To the 
 
 gaieties 
 
Preface. xi 
 
 gaieties of the Spanish capital the royal fool was 
 
 a welcome guest, — more welcome, apparently, than 
 
 his royal, master and his friends. In Howell's 
 
 Letters we find : 
 
 * Our cousin Archee hath more privilege than any, for 
 he often goes with his fool's coat where the Infanta is 
 with her ?neninas and ladies of honour, and keeps a blow- 
 ing and a blustering among them, and flirts out what he 
 lists.' 
 
 His bold, outspoken wit lost nothing of its keen- 
 ness in the southern and softer clime. A party of 
 the Dons and Donas were one day discussing the 
 gallantry of the Duke of Bavaria, who with a 
 small force had routed a large army of James's 
 son-in-law, the Palsgrave. Archie, watching his 
 opportunity, suddenly exclaimed, ' Oh, I will tell 
 you a stranger circumstance. Is it not more 
 singular that one hundred and forty ships should 
 have sailed from Spain to attack England, and that 
 not ten of them should have returned to tell what 
 became of the rest ? ' It is astonishing that the 
 
 Jester 
 
XII 
 
 Preface. 
 
 Jester got off with a whole skin. Dr. Doran, in 
 his Court Fools, has printed for the first time a 
 most interesting and characteristic letter from 
 Archie himself to his royal master the King. It 
 is stated to be entirely in the handwriting of 
 Buckingham, and had probably been written from 
 Archie's dictation: — 
 
 * Most great and gracious King. To let your Majesty- 
 know, never was fool better accepted on by the King of 
 Spain, except his own fool ; and to tell your Majesty 
 secretly, I am better accepted on than he is. To let your 
 Majesty know, I am sent for by this King when none of 
 your own nor your son's men can come near him, — to 
 the glory of God and praise of you. I shall think myself 
 better and more fool than all the fools here, for aught I 
 see ; yet I thank God and Christ my Saviour, and you, 
 for it. Whoever could think that your Majesty kept a 
 gull and an ass in me, he is a gull and an ass himself. 
 To let your Majesty know, that I cannot tell you the 
 thoughts of kings' hearts ; but this King is of the bravest 
 colour I ever saw, yourself except. And this King will 
 not let me have a trunchman. I desire your Majesty's 
 help in all need, for I cannot understand him ; but I think 
 myself as wise as he or any in his Court, as grave as you 
 think the Spaniard is. You will write to your son and 
 
 Buckingham, 
 
Preface. xm 
 
 Buckingham, and charge them to provide me a trunch- 
 man, and then you shall know from your fool, by God's 
 help and Christ's help, and the Virgin Mary's, more secret 
 business than from all your wise men here. My Lord 
 Aston, — your Majesty shall give him thanks, — writes to 
 you and to your son ; do give him thanks, for never 
 kinder friend I found in this world ; his house is at my 
 command, and besides he gave me white boots when my 
 own trunk was not come up. I think every day of your- 
 self, and of your Majesty's gracious favour ; for you will 
 never be missed till you are gone, and the child that is 
 unborn will say a praise for you. But I hope in God, for 
 my own part, never to see it. The further I go, the more 
 I see, for all that I see here are foolery to you. For 
 toys and such noise as I see, with God's grace, my 
 Saviour's, and your leave, I will let you know more when- 
 ever I come to you ; and no more, with grief in my eyes 
 and tears in my heart, and praying for your Majesty's 
 happy and gracious continuous among us. Your Majesty's 
 Servant, Archibald Armstrong, your X best fool of state, 
 both here and there. Court of Spain, 28th April. 1623.' 
 
 To jest with kings and princes was pardonable, 
 but that archbishops should be subject to the gibe 
 of the fool was not to be borne. Archie's plain 
 speech and border blood frequently got the better 
 
 of 
 
XIV Preface. 
 
 of his prudence ; and in expressing too openly and 
 boldly his contempt for the imperious Laud, he 
 brought about his own downfall. One day, in 
 presence of the prelate, he asked to say grace ; 
 and being permitted, he gave forth: ' Great praise 
 be to God, and little Land to the Devil.' The 
 famous anti-liturgical weapon, the stool of Jenny 
 Geddes, he facetiously denominated, for Laud's 
 special benefit, ' the stool of repentance ; ' and 
 while the religious commotions which followed the 
 discharge of that well-aimed missile were causing 
 considerable anxiety at Court, Laud one day, on 
 his way to the Council Chamber, was assailed by 
 Archie's taunting voice, exclaiming in the most 
 expressive Doric, ' Wha's fule noo ? ' This was 
 too much for prelatical patience. The incautious 
 Jester was at once, on Laud's complaint, brought 
 before the King in council. He pleaded the 
 privilege of his coat, but in vain. 
 
 In Rushworth's Historical Collections, vol. ii. pp. 
 
 470 
 
Preface. XV 
 
 470, 471, the whole circumstances are detailed 
 with all due historical solemnity and length : — 
 
 ' 1637. March nth. — At this time news came from Scot- 
 land, that the King's proclamation, dated 19th of February, 
 published at Sniveling the beginning of March, wherein 
 His Majesty declares, that he ordained the book of com- 
 mon-Prayer to be compiled for edification of the King's 
 subjects in Scotland, and to maintain the true religion 
 already professed there. 
 
 'And it so happened that on the nth of the said March, 
 that Archibald, the King's fool, said to his Grace the Arch- 
 bishop of Canterbury, as he was going to the Council 
 table : Whedse feule now ? doth not your Grace hear the 
 news from Striveling about the Liturgy ? with other words 
 of reflection ; this was presently complained of to the 
 Council, which produced this ensuing order : 
 
 'At White-Hall the nth of March 1637. 
 ' Present 
 1 The King's most excellent Majesty 
 Lord Archbishop of Canterbury Lord Duke of Lenox 
 Lord Keeper Lord Marquess of Hamilton 
 
 Lord Treasurer Earl Marshal 
 
 Lord Privy Seal Lord Chamberlain 
 
 Earl of Nortlmmberland Mr. Treasurer 
 
 Earl of Dorset Mr. Comptroller 
 
 Earl of Salisbury Mr. Vice-Chamberlain 
 
 Earl of Hollaiid Mr. Secretary Cook 
 
 Lord Newburgh Mr. Secretary Windebanke 
 
 It 
 
XVI 
 
 Preface. 
 
 1 It is this day ordered by His Majesty, with the advice 
 of the Board, that Archibald Armestrong, the King's Fool, 
 for certain scandalous words of a high nature, spoken by 
 him against the Lord Arch-Bishop of Canterbury his 
 Grace, and proved to be uttered by him by two witnesses, 
 shall have his coat pulled over his head, and be dis- 
 charged of the King's service, and banished the Court ; 
 for which the Lord Chamberlain of the King's House- 
 hold is prayed and required to give order to be executed. 
 And immediately the same was put in execution.' 
 
 In the Strafford Papers, vol. ii., there is a more 
 
 graphic account of this interesting episode :— 
 
 1 " Archy," writes Mr. Garrard to Lord Strafford of date 
 20th March 1637, " is fallen into a great misfortune ; a 
 fool he would be, but a foul-mouthed knave he has proved 
 himself. Being in a Tavern in Westminster drunk (he 
 says himself he was speaking of the Scottish business), 
 he fell a railing on my Lord of Canterbury ; said he was a 
 monk, a rogue, and a traitor. Of this his Grace complained 
 at Council, the King being present : it was ordered he 
 should be carried to the porter's lodge, his coat pulled 
 over his ears, and kicked out of the Court, never to enter 
 within the gates, and to be called into the Star Chamber. 
 The first part is done, but my Lord of Canterbury hath 
 interceeded to the King, that there it should end. There 
 is a new fool in his place, Muckle John, but he will ne'er 
 be so rich, for he cannot abide money." ' 
 
 Contemporary 
 
Preface. XVII 
 
 Contemporary opinion regarding the quarrel, 
 
 and Laud's wretched vindictiveness in attempting 
 
 to drag the poor Jester before the dreaded Star 
 
 Chamber, may be gathered from the following 
 
 passage in Osborne's Advice to his Son, Part ii.: — 
 
 1 I shall instance as a blot in the greatest rochet that 
 did in my time appear in the Court of England, or indeed 
 any I ever heard of since the Reformation, who managed 
 a quarrel with Archy the King's fool, and by endeavouring 
 to explode him the Court, rendered him, at last, so con- 
 siderable, by calling the Prelate's enemies (which were not 
 a few) to his rescue, as the fellow was not only able to 
 continue the dispute for divers years, but received such 
 encouragements from standers-by as he hath oft, in my 
 hearing, belched in his face such miscarriages as he was 
 really guilty of, and might, but for this foul-mouthed Scot, 
 have been forgotten ; adding such other reproaches of his 
 own as the dignity of his calling and greatness of his parts 
 could not in reason or manners admit ; though so far 
 hoodwinked with passion as not to discern that all the fool 
 did was but a symptom of the strong and inveterate dis- 
 temper raised long before in the hearts of his countrymen 
 against the calling of bishops, out of whose former ruins, 
 the major part of the Scottish nobility had feathered, if 
 not built their nests. Nor did this too low-placed anger 
 lead him into a less absurdity than an endeavour to bring 
 
 him 
 
XVIII 
 
 Preface. 
 
 him into the Star Chamber, till the Lord Coventry had, 
 by acquainting him with the privelege of a fool, shown 
 the ridiculousness of the attempt ; yet, not satisfied, he, 
 through the mediation of the Queen, got him at last dis- 
 charged the Court.' 
 
 Though bereft of his coat, the Jester's occupa- 
 tion was not gone ; his spirit remained still un- 
 subdued, and his tongue wagged as freely and 
 saucily as ever. The parting shot is excellent. 
 The writer of the Scout's Discovery met Archie a 
 week after his dismissal at the Abbey of West- 
 minster, ' all in black.' 
 
 ' Alas ! poor fool, thought I, he mourns for his country. 
 I asked him about his coat. O, quoth he, my Lord of 
 Canterbury hath taken it from me, because either he or 
 some of the Scots bishops may have use for it themselves, 
 but he hath given me a black coat for it, to colour my 
 knavery with ; and now I may speak what I please, so it be 
 not against the prelates, for this coat hath a far greater 
 privilege than the other had/ 
 
 In connection with this curious passage in the 
 history of the Archbishop, the appended reprint of 
 
 the 
 
 
Preface. XIX 
 
 the very rare pamphlet, entitled Archie's Dream, 
 may be regarded with some interest, though it is 
 destitute of any literary value. It seems a genuine 
 production of the outspoken Jester, who could not 
 refrain even in his retirement, and when the object 
 of his enmity was powerless and in prison, from 
 venting his spleen against the author of his cer- 
 tainly undeserved disgrace. 
 
 In the matter of money our fool was anything 
 but a fool : 
 
 1 Archee, by Kings and Princes, graced of late, 
 Jested himself into a fair estate/ 
 
 Indeed the accompanying extracts from the 
 Calendars of State Papers suggest the question 
 whether in money matters he was not more knave 
 than fool. Anyhow, with pensions, gratuities (see 
 p. 48), and other things, Archie had contrived to 
 feather his nest so well before his compulsory 
 retirement, that on his return to his native 
 Arthuret, in Cumberland, he became a landed 
 
 proprietor, 
 
XX 
 
 Preface. 
 
 proprietor, 1 and flourished there, in spite of his 
 disgrace, to a green old age. The following ex- 
 tracts from the parish register of Arthuret, as 
 quoted by Lysons in his Magna Britannia, tell 
 their own tale : 
 
 * Francis, the base Son of Archibald Armstrong 
 
 baptised, December 17, 1643.' 
 
 ' Archibald Armstrong and Sybella Bell 
 
 married June 4, 1646.' 
 
 * Archibald Armstrong, buried April 1st, 1672.' 
 
 T. H. JAMIESON. 
 
 Advocates' Library, 
 April 1872. 
 
 1 Vide a rare poetical tract, entitled Thefatall Nuptiall or 
 M our nfull Marriage, 1636, quoted in an article on the Jests 
 in the London Magazine for September 1824 : 
 
 ' And Archee, that rich foole, when hee least dreames, 
 For purchast lands, must be possest of streames.' 
 
 I. COLLECTION 
 
Preface. XXI 
 
 I. 
 
 COLLECTION OF EXTRACTS FROM THE CALENDARS OF 
 STATE PAPERS, DOMESTIC SERIES, RELATING TO 
 ARCHIBALD ARMSTRONG. 
 
 l6ll-l8. 
 
 P. 31. May i6th,i6u. — Grant to Arch. Armstrong of pension 
 of 2s. pr. diem during pleasure. [Docquet.] 
 
 „ 46. June 19th, 161 1. — Grant to Arch. Armstrong of a 
 pension of 2s. pr. diem for life. [Doquet.] 
 
 „ 80. Oct. 12th, 161 1. — Sir Thos. Lake to Hen. Lord 
 Clifford forwards letters &c. for Sir Robt. Shirley 
 and for Dr. Jonas' expenses. His Majesty heard 
 of his care for Archy's coat (the Court fool) which 
 is like to make sport. 
 
 „ 179. Apr. 2d, 161 3. — Warrant for delivery of a coat &c. to 
 Archibald Armstrong. [Docquet.] 
 
 „ 523. Febr. 23d, 161 8. — H. M. was displeased with him 
 (Sec. Lake) a little while ago, for sending a petition 
 through Archy the fool, in favour of a recusant. 
 
 P. 566. 
 
XXII 
 
 Preface. 
 
 P. 566. Aug. 20th, 161 8 And Archy has one (sc. 
 
 patent) for the making of tobacco-pipes. 
 
 1619-23. 
 
 75. Sept. nth, 1619. — .... Chamberlain to Carleton 
 .... The earl of Northampton, of whom Archy 
 (the court fool) said that now the earl had got 
 what he wanted, His Majesty might see what 
 account he made of him and his followers. 
 
 $13. March 6, 1623 List of household officers 
 
 appointed to follow the prince to Spain, among 
 whom Archy is one. 
 
 539. March 26, 1623. — Sec. Calvert to Sec. Conway. 
 
 .... Archy the fool wishes to have a servant 
 allowed, but the Privy Chamber gentlemen will 
 complain still more if the fool is allowed the same 
 attendance as they. 
 
 540. March 26, 1623. — Sec. Conway to Sec. Calvert. 
 
 Three of Buckingham's men and two Spaniards 
 are to go to Spain. Archy's man is not to go. 
 
 1623-25. 
 
 94. Oct. n, 1623. — Chamberlain to Carleton 
 
 Tobie Matthew has returned with the prince. He 
 was so vexed with encounters in Spain with Archie 
 (the fool) that once at dinner he left the table. 
 
 P. no. 
 
Preface. XXIII 
 
 P. no. Nov. 15, 1623. — Same to same He(SirTobie 
 
 Matthew) was present at the late audiences also, 
 where his friend Archy was very gay, in a rich suit 
 given him by Conde Olivarez. 
 
 „ in. Novr. 1623. — Inventory of apparel and other goods 
 belonging to Archy (the fool), including apparel 
 of the Spanish fashion which he had from Gon- 
 domar. 
 
 „ 113. Nov. 17? — Sir Edw. Zouch to Lord (Zouch) 
 
 Dares not write what Archy the fool said about 
 the Spanish match. 
 
 1625-26. 
 
 „ 526. 1626? — Wm. Belou to Sec. Conway. He has been 
 worse used than a natural fool, witness Tom Duri ; 
 than a counterfeit, witness Archie Armstrong, who 
 has shown Belou that the king has given such 
 special direction for his payment that he is better 
 off than he was in the late king's time, whilst the 
 writer cannot receive a penny. 
 
 1627-28. 
 
 „ 212. June nth, 1627. — R. Mason to Nicholas .... 
 Dinner passed away with as much mirth as Sir 
 Robert Deall, the fool Archie, and the Duke's 
 musicians could make. 
 
 1628-29. 
 
XXIV 
 
 Preface. 
 
 1628-29. 
 
 P. 393- Nov. 24, 1628. — Archibald Armstrong to James Earl 
 of Carlisle. Thinks it grievous long till the earl 
 be at home again, and his wife's [longing] is 
 greater, if greater can be. No man was ever sent 
 a worse ill-favoured journey afore, which many 
 times Archie has freely let the King and the 
 Council know, and thanks be to God he feared 
 no man at all. The greatest enemy of three Kings 
 is gone ; — he praises God for it. The next day 
 after, being Sunday, his boy was born. Refusing 
 the King and the Lord Steward, he only chose 
 the Lord Chamberlain, for the King of Spain's 
 sake ; wherefore he made him a Philip, with con- 
 sent of the other godfathers, Lord Holland, the 
 Lord Keeper, with the Duchess of Richmond and 
 the Countess of Somerset, and he told the King 
 and all the company as he had lost one friend 
 he gained other. The Earl is now come to be 
 Lord Chamberlain, which was his due long ago. 
 Lord Weston, as the Earl wished seven years 
 since, is Lord Treasurer, and drinks the Earl's 
 health many times. His prayers and those of his 
 wife and children for the Earl's safe coming home. 
 
 1635. 
 
Preface. XXV 
 
 1635. 
 P. 245. July 3, 1635. — Account of receipts and payments of 
 the Exchequer from 26th June last to this date 
 . . . . ;£i8 5s. to Archibald Armstrong. 
 
 1637-38. 
 
 ,, 448. May 23d, 1638. — William Grimes and Agnes his wife, 
 sister to Archibald Armstrong, late his Majesty's 
 jester, by petition complained that Archibald 14 
 years since possessed himself of the estates of 
 James Armstrong, his brother, to a great value, 
 out of which there was given to Agnes £60, to her 
 son ^30, and ^30 more for the ' crowner's ' fees 
 and burial. Archibald, by the power and coun- 
 tenance of his coat and prince [place ?], has hitherto 
 detained the money from Agnes and petitioner 
 Grimes, who for three years have in these parts 
 and in Ireland waited upon Archibald, in hope by 
 fair means to get satisfaction, and accordingly 
 Archibald in Ireland promised to settle petitioner 
 in 100 acres of land, part of 1000 acres which his 
 Majesty had bestowed on him, but now refuses. 
 It was ordered that Henry Lide and Peter Hey- 
 wood, justices of peace for Westminster, call the 
 parties before them and make a final end of the 
 difference, or else certify the Board. [Draft i| p.] 
 
 d 1638-9. 
 
XXVI 
 
 -,-. 
 
 Preface. 
 
 1638-9. 
 
 P. 220. Report of the referee of the Lords of the Council, 
 directed to enquire concerning debts due by Dr. 
 John Scott, Dean of York. One of the debts in 
 question was ^200 due by bond to Archibald 
 Armstrong. The referee reports that Armstrong- 
 received from the Dean four acquittances of ^50 
 each, for rent of the tithes of Pickering payable by 
 the Earl of Danby, and that under an order of the 
 Lords of 15th May 1637 Armstrong received one 
 payment of ,£50, but on the 7th June 1637 that 
 order was revoked, as obtained by ' surreption,' 
 and as being contrary to an order of the 14th Febr. 
 before, • which is the true state of that business.' 
 
 II. 
 
Preface. XX VI I 
 
 II. 
 
 LIST OF THE EDITIONS OF THE BANQUET OF JESTS, FROM 
 HAZLITT'S ' HANDBOOK TO EARLY ENGLISH LITERATURE.' 
 
 (a) A Banquet of Jeasts or Change of Cheare. Being a 
 
 collection of Moderne Jests. Witty jeeres. Pleasant 
 Taunts. Merry Tales. Never before imprinted. 
 London, Printed for Richard Royston, and are to 
 be sold at his shop in Ivie-Lane next the Exchequer- 
 Office. 1630. 8vo, 107 leaves. Bodleian (Burton's 
 books). 
 
 Licensed to R. Royston, May 10, 1630. 
 
 (b) A Banqvet of Jests, or Change of Cheare &c. The 
 
 Fourth Impression, with Many Additions. London, 
 Printed for Richard Royston, and are to be sold at 
 his Shoppe in Ivie-Lane next the Exchequer- Office. 
 1634. 1 2mo, 120 leaves. [The fourth edition contains 
 234 pages, besides 14 of preliminary matter, and 12 
 more of contents or index.] 
 
 (c) London, Printed for Richard Royston &c. 1636. 8vo. 
 
 [pp. x, 338.] 
 
 Rodd's Cat, 1821, £7 .7 /. 
 
 00 
 
XXVIII 
 
 Preface. 
 
 {d) London, Printed for Richard Royston, &c. 1640. i2mo. 
 [In two Bookes. The sixth Edition, much enlarged 
 for the delight of the Reader, pp. x, 338.] 
 
 {e) London, Printed for Richard Royston, &c. 1642. i2mo. 
 
 (/) A Banquet of Jests, &c. 
 
 Advertised at the end of a work printed in 1665 as on 
 sale by R. Royston. This appears to have been 
 some edition not known to us. 
 
 (g) The last edition, much enlarged. London, Printed for 
 R. Royston, at the Angell in Ivy Lane. 1657. Sm. 
 8vo, K 3, in twelves. With a whole length portrait of 
 Archee by T. Cecill, which forms the last leaf of A. 
 
 Two editions of another similar publication are also quoted 
 by Hazlitt :— 
 
 (k) Archees Jests found in his Closet after his decease. 1660. 
 8vo. With a portrait by Gaywood. 
 
 (0 A Choice Banquet of Witty Jests, Rare Fancies, and 
 Pleasant Novels. Fitted for all the lovers of Wit, 
 Mirth, and Eloquence. Being an Addition to Archee's 
 Jests. Taken out of his Closet ; but never published 
 by him in his life time. Printed for Peter Dring, 
 1665. 8vo. 
 
 [In the British Museum there is also : A choice Banquet of 
 witty jests [&c. &c] [edited by J. G.] Lond. 1660. 
 8vo.] 
 
 The 
 
Preface. XXIX 
 
 The first edition of the ' Banquet of Jests' consists of 195 
 articles, the fourth of 261 ; out of which number 91 are 
 altogether new, 26 of them being substitutions for the same 
 number originally given in the copies of 1630, but subse- 
 quently withdrawn. In the fourth edition, in addition to a 
 metrical address from the printer (retained and adapted in 
 the later issues, whereby the reader of each edition is assured 
 that it is much more refined than its predecessors), Royston 
 himself, as stationer, has a few lines in prose to point out the 
 merits of the new edition to his courteous readers : ' You 
 shall receive it not onely purged from many grosse faults 
 formerly escaped in the presse, but refined and cleansed from 
 all such course passages as were inserted and exposed to 
 your view without his consent who first collected them; in 
 recompence of which, for every one subtracted, you shall 
 finde here more than ten added, never till now published, 
 and in this kinde made common. The restraint of that 
 liberty of which hee before complained, is now redeemed, as 
 shall appeare by the new collections here inserted. May 
 his care and my cost breed thee in their perusall as much 
 pleasure as I wish unto my selfe profit. Vale. R. R.' 
 
 The following reprint has been carefully made from the 
 fifth and sixth editions, in the former of which appeared for 
 the first time the portrait, a copy of which is prefixed. 
 

 
 
 
 > 
 
 
 
 BANQVET 
 
 
 
 Of Jests. 
 
 
 
 OR 
 
 
 
 A COLLECTION OF 
 
 
 
 Court 
 
 
 
 
 Camp 
 
 Colledge 
 
 Citie 
 
 > lefts. 
 
 
 
 Country ) 
 
 
 In two Bookes. 
 
 The fixth Edition , much enlarged 
 for the delight of the Reader. 
 
 LONDON, 
 
 
 Printed for Richard Roy ft on, and 
 
 are to be fold at his Shoppe 
 
 in Ivie-Lane at the figne 
 
 of the Angell 1 640. 
 
 
 
 
 

W$i' 
 
 
 THE 
 
 KINGS JESTER 
 
 TO 
 
 THE READER. 
 
 O you (of all sorts) that shall vouch- 
 safe the perusall of these few sheetes, 
 bound up in a small volume, I pre- 
 pare you to expect no more in this collection of 
 Jests, than the Title page promiseth, wherein is 
 nothing earnest, saving a pledge of my good 
 meaning toward you. If you looke that I should 
 feast your Senses, or banquet your particular 
 Pallates, these papers will much deceive you : 
 For in the steed of Dainties, you shall find 
 Dicteria ; for Junkets, joci ; and for curious 
 
 Sallets, 
 
Vlll 
 
 The Kings Jester to the Reader. 
 
 Sallets, Sales. Onely they are passages of mirth, 
 fit to entertaine time, and employ leasured 
 houres, when they cannot be more seriously and 
 profitably imployed. So milde and gentle they 
 are in their condition, that as they barke at 
 none, so they bite not any : and therefore you 
 may sport with them freely and safely. Now 
 if some out of their curiositie shall dispise them 
 for their commonnesse, I must then retire my 
 selfe to the refuge of that old Adage, Bona quo 
 communia eo meliora : If they prove good, they 
 cannot be too common. Againe, if any shall 
 object and say, that I know that, and this I 
 haue heard related ; those I thus answer : If 
 many have heard some of them, yet few or none 
 (I dare presume) all. Besides, I doe not chal- 
 lenge them for my owne, but gathered from the 
 mouthes of others ; and what is stale to mee, 
 may be to thee new. Accept them then as 
 courteously as they are offered to thy perusall 
 
 willingly, 
 
The King's Jester to the Reader. ix 
 
 willingly, to make them familiar unto such to 
 whom they are meerely forraine, and to recol- 
 lect the memories of those to whom they have 
 beene knowne, but since forgotten. I must in- 
 genuously confesse unto you, that had not the 
 Licence curbed my liberty, the leaves of this 
 booke had beene more in tale, and the Jests 
 (for I know not how more properly to stile 
 them) greater in number : but as they are (for 
 otherwise now they cannot be) if they be well 
 accepted, I acknowledge them too few, but if 
 not well received, by many, too many. 
 
 Anonymos. 
 
 The 
 
The Printer to the Reader. 
 
 ^INCE Reader / before have found thee kinde, 
 
 Expect this sixth Impression much refinde. 
 The coorser Cates, that might the feast disgrace ; 
 Left out: And better servd in, in their place. 
 Pasquels Conceits are poore, and Scoggins drie, 
 Skeltons meere rime, once read, but now laid by. 
 Peelds Jests are old, and Tarletons are growne 
 
 stale. 
 These neither barke, nor bite, nor scratch, nor 
 
 raile. 
 Banquets were made for laughter, not for Teares. 
 Such are these sportive Taunts, Tales, Jests, and 
 
 Jeeres. 
 
 TO 
 
TO 
 
 The Peruser of this 
 
 Booke. 
 
 JyTZHO ere thou be, that comm'st to reade this 
 Booke, 
 Come with a minde prepaid to smile. 
 Or else be gone, 
 For Jiere are none. 
 But toyes, loose houres to beguile. 
 And when tttart come, cast no disdainfull looke, 
 Nor looke of scorne upo?i our Lines : 
 For soone wee may, 
 Percliance repay 
 Such scorne into that face of thine. 
 
 But 
 
Xll 
 
 To the Peruser of this Booke. 
 
 But if thou caust sport at a harmelesse Jest ; 
 If tJiou canst laugh {all frozunes forgot,) 
 If thou canst play. 
 With what we say, 
 And passe by that which likes thee not; 
 If no vaine haughty pride raigne in thy brest, 
 If thy cleane heart is purgd from gall ; 
 Then reade, tis free, 
 For such as thee, 
 To laugh, to sport, and play withall. 
 
COVRT JESTS. 
 
 Lib. I. Part I. 
 
 On a Court Lady. 
 
 COURT Lady at dinner, \On a 
 
 ; Court 
 
 amongst divers gallants, speak- Lady. 
 
 ing of her age, said, she was 
 but forty yeares old. When presently one 
 of them rounded his next neighbour in 
 the yeare : it would require (saith he) a 
 stronger faith, than I have in me to 
 beleeve this. But hee made answer, I 
 must needs beleeve her, for, I have lieard 
 Jier say so, any time these ten yeares. 
 
 Of 
 
Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part I. 
 
 Of a 
 Country 
 Gentle- 
 man Com- 
 ?ning to 
 Court. 
 
 Of a Country Gentleman Com- 
 ming to Court. 
 
 A COUNTRY Gentleman comming 
 to enquire for one Mr. Wiseman, 
 his Kinsman, who lived in Court, and be- 
 longed to the King, went bluntly to the 
 Guard-Chamber, and speaking to him that 
 kept the doore : I pray you Sir : till me 
 (saith hee) Is there not one Wiseman 
 among you ? Who answered, no indeed 
 Sir, you had best enquire of the Queenes 
 side. 
 
 A Noble- 
 man in 
 his Gal- 
 lery. 
 
 A Nobleman in his Gallery. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN admitted to walke 
 
 with a Nobleman in his Gallery, 
 
 after many commendations of the pictures 
 
 there 
 
Court.'] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 there hanging, for the best he had seene, 
 had leave given him to chuse where he 
 would, and it should be his owne. The 
 Gentleman espying a faire Table, wherein 
 the ten Commandements were curiously 
 drawne in golden letters, even this (saith 
 hee) so please your Lordship, shall be my 
 choice ; for this likes my fancie best. 
 But the Lord recalling himselfe, answered ; 
 that onely I forgot to except ; for I have 
 vowed, and vowed by mine Honour, these 
 ten Commandements shall never goe from 
 me. Well (quoth the Gentleman) doe 
 what you can, I assure your Lordship, 
 you shall never keepe them. 
 
 One 
 
Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part I. 
 
 One tra- 
 velling to 
 Rome. 
 
 One travelling to Rome. 
 
 A N English Gentleman having tra- 
 velled as farre as Rome, was by 
 the mediation of some friends there resi- 
 dent, admitted with his man into the 
 Popes presence ; to whom his Holinesse 
 offered his foote to kisse, which the 
 Gentleman did with great submission, and 
 reverence. His man seeing it, and not 
 before acquainted with the like Ceremony, 
 presently makes what speed hee can, to 
 get out of the Presence : which some of 
 the waiters espying, and suspecting his 
 hast, stayd him, demanding withall, the 
 reason why hee kept such adoe to be 
 gone. But the more they importun'd him, 
 the more hee prest to get away. At 
 length being further urg'd ; why (sayes 
 he) if they compell my Master being a 
 
 Gentleman 
 
Court.] 
 
 Modcrne Jests. 
 
 Gentleman to kisse the Popes foot, 1 
 have a shrewd suspition, what part they 
 will make me kisse, being but his Serving 
 mail. 
 
 On a Flatterer. 
 
 'TWO Gentlemen, notable for their 
 activity, jump'd before King James; 
 and when they had strained to the 
 utmost they could, and reached a vast 
 way ; the King jestingly said, Is this 
 your best ? when I was a young man, 
 I would have out-leaped this my selfe. 
 An old Court -Earewigge standing by, 
 and glad of any occasion to ingratiate 
 himselfe, said, that you would Sir, I have 
 seene your Majestie leape much further, 
 O' my soule (quoth the King, as his 
 usuall phrase was) thou lyest : / would 
 
 On a 
 
 Flatterer. 
 
 indeed 
 
Witty Jeeres. 
 
 [Part I. 
 
 An 
 
 Epitaph. 
 
 To chuse 
 a Wife. 
 
 indeed have leaped further, bat I never 
 could leape so farre by two or three feete. 
 
 o 
 
 An Epitaph. 
 
 NE Mr. Dombelow died of the winde 
 Collicke, on whom was writ this 
 Epitaph, 
 
 jDead is Dicke Dum below. 
 Would you the reason know : 
 Could his taile have but spoken, 
 His stout-heart had not broken. 
 
 To chuse a Wife. 
 
 /^vNE being disswaded from marrying 
 such a woman, because she was 
 
 I no wiser, replied, I desire that my wife 
 should have no more wit, than to be able 
 to distinguish my bed from another mans. 
 
 A 
 
Court. J 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 A Gentleman Knighted. 
 
 TT' I N G James about to Knight a 
 Scottish Gentleman, asked his 
 name, who made answer, his name was 
 Everard rudry hudrinblas triplin hipplas. 
 How, how quoth the King. Replyes the 
 Gentleman, as before, Everard rudry 
 hudrinblas triplin hipplas. The King 
 not able to retaine in memory, so long, 
 and withall confusedly heap'd up name ; 
 prethee (saith he) rise up, and call 
 thy selfe Sir, what thou wilt, and so 
 dismissed him. 
 
 A Gentle- 
 man 
 Knighted. 
 
 On a Courtier. 
 
 /^NE of our Scarlet Courtiers lighting 
 
 from his great prancing horse at 
 
 the Court gate, called to one that stood 
 
 On a 
 Courtier. 
 
 by, 
 
Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part I. 
 
 An 
 Epitaph. 
 
 by, and bid him hold his horse, whilst 
 he walked into the Court : The man 
 seem'd afraid of the beast, and asked 
 him, if hee was not unruly, and whether 
 one man might hold him or no ; hee 
 answered yes very easily. Nay then 
 (saith he) If it be but one mans worke, I 
 would wish you to doe it your selfe ; for I 
 have other businesse than to walke horses. 
 
 An Epitaph. 
 
 TT7"HEN the Lord Chiefe Justice 
 Flimming, both a learned and 
 mercifull Gentleman, deceased, a pleasant 
 fellow sported thus in a short Epitaph 
 upon him. 
 
 Justice is dead, that was of Justice 
 chiefe, 
 
 Who 
 
Court.] 
 
 Modcrne Jests. 
 
 Who never haug'd a true man for a 
 thiefe, 
 
 Nor ever was condemned for con- 
 demning, 
 
 Borne here in England, yet lie dyd a 
 F lemming. 
 
 Pictures hanged. 
 
 A PHANTASTICKE Gentleman 
 having bespoke divers Pictures to 
 furnish a Gallery : when the Limner 
 brought them home, hee would presently 
 dispose them in their severall places. 
 Here (saith he) hang this, here that, and 
 there that ; but at this end, in full view 
 of the doore, will I be hang'd my selfe. 
 
 Pictures 
 hanged. 
 
 On 
 
10 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part I. 
 
 On a 
 Gentle- 
 man and 
 his Mis- 
 tresse. 
 
 On a Gentleman, and his 
 Mistresse. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN, playing on the 
 Lute, under his Mistresse window ; 
 she disdaining his presence, and despising 
 his Service, caused her servants to polt 
 him thence with stones : of which disgrace 
 complaining afterwards to a friend of his, 
 his friend told him, that he had much 
 mistaken the gentle woman ; for what 
 greater grace could she doe to your 
 Musicke, than to make the very stones 
 dance about you, as they did to Orpheus. 
 
Court?\ 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 I I 
 
 A famous Painter. 
 
 1\ yTICHAEL ANGELO, the famous 
 Italian Painter, wrought all those 
 peeces, or the most part of them, that are 
 now to be seene in Saint Peters Church ; 
 and working privately, with a curtaine be- 
 fore him, as not willing his Tables should 
 be seene, till his Novissima marine had been 
 upon them, and that they were compleat 
 and perfect : being at that time about the 
 resurrection, and last Judgement, where 
 the Elect were on one side, and the Re- 
 probate on the other ; he had observed a 
 Priest, who would still be prying into his 
 worke : wherefore to be revenged on him, 
 hee thought no fitter occasion or meanes, 
 than to draw his face to the life amongst 
 the damned, which he did with such Art & 
 curiositie, that when his worke was set up, 
 
 A famous 
 Painter. 
 
 and 
 
12 Merry Tales. {Part I . 
 
 and publikely seene, there was not any 
 that knew the Priest, but easily perceived 
 it personated him : for which he grew to 
 be a derision, and by-word amongst the 
 people ; insomuch that they would say to 
 his face ; he was in Angeloes Hell already : 
 for which hee made a great complaint to 
 the Clergie, and at length petitioned to 
 the Pope himselfe, that his face might be 
 taken from thence, and another put in 
 place. To whom the Pope gave answer, 
 that hee must necessarily excuse him in 
 the businesse : for true it was, that if 
 Angelo had put him into Purgatorie, he 
 then had power in himselfe to have released 
 him thence, but being it was into hell y it 
 was beyond his jurisdiction, for Ex in- 
 feris nulla redemptio, out of hell there is no 
 redemption. 
 
Court."] 
 
 Modeme Jests. 
 
 13 
 
 A horse pissing into the River. 
 
 A COURTIER, whose horse by 
 chance pissed into the River, said, 
 his Nag was like his Master : for the Em- 
 perour never conferred his Largesses on 
 any, but those, whose fortunes overflowed, 
 or were at least full alreadv. 
 
 The King a Hunting. 
 
 HTHE King one day retiring from 
 hunting, to refresh himselfe, and 
 followers, leaned, or rather sate on a fat 
 corpulent Gentleman, somewhat to his 
 disease, who boldly bespake him in these 
 words : I beseech your Majestie leane not 
 too hard on your cushion, least you make 
 the feathers fly out. 
 
 A horse 
 pissing 
 into the 
 River. 
 
 The King 
 a Hunt- 
 
H 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 {Part I. 
 
 A Re 
 
 roote. 
 
 A Rape roote. 
 
 A POOR Country fellow, who lived 
 by Gardening and felling rootes, 
 hearing the Emperour was a great gallant 
 man ; hee and his wife thought, according 
 to the little portion of their wits, to pre- 
 sent him with some Rape rootes, as they 
 used to doe their Landlord. When pre- 
 sently to that purpose, she provided a 
 copetent company of faire and large ones, 
 and delivered them to her husband, who 
 betooke himselfe to his journey for Court. 
 But by the way hunger provoking him, 
 and the fairenesse of the rootes enticing 
 him, hee eate them up all, but one ex- 
 ceeding faire one, which he preserved for 
 his present. At length he got to Court, 
 and asked for the Emperour: some Noble- 
 men by chance standing by asked him, 
 
 what 
 
Court?\ 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 15 
 
 what hee would have with him ; he sayd 
 he had a Rape roote for him : the Cour- 
 tiers willing to prosecute the humour, for 
 the mirth, that might ensue, had him 
 before his highnesse, who when he had 
 smiled a while at his folly, received his 
 roote, and charged, that a thousand 
 markes should be given him. A certaine 
 Courtier hearing of the Emperours libe- 
 ralitie, thought he would taste it too, 
 casting thus with himselfe ; if he give a 
 Country clowne a 1000 markes for a 
 poore roote, what will he give a gallant 
 Courtier for a good nag ? wherefore 
 watching his oppertunitie, hee presented 
 him with a horse. The Emperour senting 
 out his purpose, and in it, whispered to 
 one of his bed-chamber, and bid him 
 fetch such a thing, which when the Mes- 
 senger had done, here (saith he) to the 
 
 gentleman, 
 
i6 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 IP art I. 
 
 gentleman, calling him by his name ; your 
 lucke is good, for that I bestow upon you 
 a Jewel, here, which cost me a thousand 
 markes, but the other day : the Courtier 
 over-joyed after submissive reverence, and 
 thankes given hasted to his fellowes, who 
 flocked about him, to congratulate his 
 good successe : where gently opening the 
 paper, there was nothing in it but a dry 
 Rape roote ; whereat all the company 
 laughed heartily ; and the Gallant parted 
 with his Gennet, for had I wist. 
 
 An Abominable truth. 
 
 An Abo- 
 minable 
 truth. 
 
 A NOTABLE braggard boasted how 
 
 it was his chance to meete with 
 
 two of his Arch-enemies at once : the 
 
 one (saith he) I tost so high in the ayre, 
 
 that had he had at his backe a Bakars 
 
 basket 
 
Court.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 17 
 
 basket full of bread, though he had eaten 
 all the way, hee would have beene starved 
 in his fall, ere he had reacht the ground : 
 the other he struck so deepe into the 
 earth, that he left no more of him to be 
 seene above ground but his head and one 
 of his armes, and those to no other end, 
 than to put off his hat to him, as he had 
 occasion to passe that way. 
 
 Of one Fowle a Gentleman. 
 
 /^\NE Fowle by name, petitioning to a 
 great man in this kingdome, was 
 a long while delayed. At length some- 
 what importunate, he stirred the Noble- 
 mans patience so farre, that in a great 
 rage he bad him get him gone, for a 
 Woodcock as he was : at which the Peti- 
 tioner smiling, humbly thanked his Lord- 
 
 Ofonc 
 Fowle a 
 Gentle- 
 
 ship 
 
Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part I. 
 
 A Gentle- 
 man 
 Knighted. 
 
 ship for that present curtesie : the Lord 
 turning backe and supposing he had 
 flouted, asked him what curtesie ? Why 
 truely my Lord (quoth he) I have knowne 
 my selfe a Fowle these fifty yeares and up- 
 wards, but never knew what Fowle, till 
 now your Lordship resolved me : his 
 answere pleased, and his suite was dis- 
 patcht with all possible speede. 
 
 A Gentleman Knighted. 
 
 ^\NE being presented to King James 
 to receive the Order of Knight- 
 hood, came with a huge double Ruffe, 
 of which the King taking notice : as 
 he was ready to lay the sword on his 
 shoulder, without demanding his name, 
 spake to his band onely, and sayd, Rise 
 tip Ruffe, and goe to thy Ruffe, for thy 
 Ruffes Ruffe hath a Ruffe. 
 
 On 
 
Court. 
 
 Pleasant Taunt* 
 
 19 
 
 On a fantasticke Gentleman. 
 
 A FANTASTICKE Gallant Courting 
 a faire wittie Gentlewoman, at 
 every second word of his protestation, he 
 would be pawning his soule. She having 
 a while listned to his vile language, at 
 last wished him, the next time he came 
 that way, To bring another pawne ; for 
 she greatly feard that was forfeit already. 
 
 On a Dwarfe. 
 
 A DWARFE was observed all sum- 
 mer long, never to walke abroad 
 without a Nosgay in his hand, nor in 
 winter but with a paire of perfumed 
 gloves. One that had long noted it, de- 
 manded of a Gentleman a friend of his, 
 what he thought the reason thereof might 
 
 On a fan- 
 tasticke 
 
 Gentle- 
 man. 
 
 On a 
 
 Divarfe. 
 
 be 
 
20 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part I. 
 
 On 
 
 S. P. Q. R. 
 
 be ; to whom he answered that in his 
 opinion he did it not without great advise- 
 ment and consideration. For (saith he) 
 most necessary it is, that he should still 
 carry some sweete thing in his hand, to 
 smell too, whose nose is levell zvith every 
 mans taile, that he followeth. 
 
 On S. P. Q. R. 
 
 A JEST touching these letters, S. P. 
 Q. R. Senatus, Populus-que Ro- 
 manus. It so happened, that a new Pope 
 being elected, meerely for his devotion, 
 and austeritie of life, as using an extra- 
 ordinary spare dyet, and seldome seene 
 so much as to smile ; yet after his Inaugu- 
 ration, comming to sit in Pontificalibus, he 
 used to feede high, to laugh heartily, and 
 to countenance Jesters, and Bufibones to 
 
 make 
 
Court.' 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 21 
 
 make him merry at his Table, which being 
 observed, one sets up these foure words, 
 being correspondent to the foure former 
 letters, Sancte Pater Quare Rides ? Holy 
 father why doe you laugh ? Under which 
 next day was written, Ridco quia Papa 
 sum, I laugh because I am Pope. 
 
 On a Painted face. 
 
 A LADY, that used to Playster her 
 face extreamely, so by Art, to re- 
 paire the decayes of nature, was on a 
 time, with divers others, invited abroad 
 to dinner. But one of them an acquaint- 
 ance of hers, wish'd her by no meanes to 
 goe : Why (quoth my Lady) ? marry (re- 
 plies the Gentleman) tis ten to one we 
 shall be wondrous merry, and you cannot 
 well laugh, for fear e of shelving two faces. 
 
 On a 
 
 Painted 
 face. 
 
 On 
 
22 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part I. 
 
 On the 
 same. 
 
 npi 
 
 One beggd 
 for afoole. 
 
 On the same. 
 
 HE same Lady told a Gentleman 
 she desired much to have her 
 Picture done to the life : why tis done 
 (saith he) to the life already. When she 
 demanded where ; even under your maske 
 (quoth the Gentleman), for I am confident 
 Madam, all the Limners in Towne, with 
 their best skill, cannot produce you, So 
 lively Painted againe. 
 
 One beggd for a foole. 
 
 A FOOLISH young Gentleman, son 
 to a wise and well-reputed Knight, 
 after his fathers decease, was begg'd for 
 a foole, and summoned to the Court of 
 Wards for his answer. When question 
 was made to him, what hee could say for 
 
 himselfe, 
 
Court] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 23 
 
 himselfe, why his Lands should not be 
 taken from him, hee answered, Why may 
 not I a foole, beget a wise man to inherit 
 after me, as well as my Father being a 
 wise man, begot me a foole ? His answere 
 carried it, and -the demeanes were con- 
 firmed to him and his heires, who are 
 possessed of them unto this day. 
 
 Of Bishop Bonner. 
 
 \\ THEN Henry the eight dispatched 
 Bishop Bonner as Embassadour 
 to Francis the first, King of France; 
 being at that time greatly incensed, he 
 uttered many harsh words against the 
 French King ; and in these, and no other, 
 I charge thee (saith he) deliver thine 
 Embassie : but the Bishop made answere, 
 Sir if I shall salute him in such grosse 
 
 0/ Bishop 
 Bonner. 
 
 and 
 
24 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part I. 
 
 and dispightfull termes, and in his own 
 Court too, forgetting the title of an Em- 
 bassadour, he can doe no lesse than take 
 off my head. Thy head ? (replyed the 
 King) if he shall dare to offer it, twenty 
 thousand of his subjects heads shall an- 
 swer for that of thine. I, but, sayes the 
 Bishop, by your Majesties favour, / am 
 doubtfull whether any of all those heads 
 can fit my shoulders, so well as that I have 
 on. At which words the King somewhat 
 pacified, gave him leave to deliver his 
 message, in what language he thought 
 best. 
 
 An Office 
 in Rever- 
 sion. 
 
 An Office in Reversion. 
 
 GREAT man in this Kingdome, of 
 a temperate, and spare dyet, and 
 accustomed to take much physicke, had 
 
 A 
 
 the 
 
Court.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 25 
 
 the reversion of another mans office, who 
 was exceeding fat, and corpulent, and 
 loved to drinke deepe, and to feede high : 
 to whom when he was invited to dinner, 
 finding his stomack sickely and weake, he 
 forbore to eate at all : which the other ob- 
 serving, Sir, saith he, you take too much of 
 the Apothecaries physicke, and too little of 
 the kitchens ; and I feare though you are 
 my Executour for my place, yet I may 
 out-live you. The other taking up a pure 
 Venice glasse, that then stood before him, 
 returned this answere ; I question that 
 Sir, for this brittle glasse which you see, 
 being well and carefully kept, may last as 
 long, as your great brasse Kettle. 
 
 D 
 
 Of 
 
26 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part I. 
 
 Of taking 
 the wall. 
 
 Of taking the wall. 
 
 A CONTEMPLATIVE Schollar walk- 
 ing in the streete, and studdying as 
 he went, ere he was aware, ranne upon a 
 Courtier, and halfe jostled him from the 
 wall. The Gallant was somewhat offend- 
 ed at it, and roughly thrust him by, say- 
 ing, I doe not use to give every cox- 
 combe the wall : the Schollar looking up 
 in his face, answered, but I doe sir, and so 
 passed on. 
 
 On Curtailing names. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN in this Towne, con- 
 
 t ailing /-\ 
 
 names. versant with Gallants of great 
 
 rancke, used to curtaile their names, 
 calling them onely Jacke y Dicke, Torn, &c. 
 till on a time, being reprooved for his too 
 
 much 
 
Courts 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 27 
 
 much familiaritie, he replyed it is my 
 humour, and I vow with all, if the King 
 should call me Jacke, I would call him 
 Charles by the Grace of God. 
 
 A lovely Mistresse. 
 
 T" F (saith a Travellour) I might have 
 and enjoy a Mistresse composed to 
 my wish ; I would have her from the 
 waste downeward all Dutch, then from 
 the middle to the Necke, I would have 
 her all French, and on those French 
 shoulders I would have set an English 
 face. 
 
 A lovely 
 Mistresse. 
 
 Qtteene Elizabeth entertained. 
 
 QUEENE Elizabeth in her Progresse 
 was entertained by a Knight into 
 a very faire manner house, which hee 
 
 Queenc 
 Elizabeth 
 enter- 
 tained. 
 
 had 
 
28 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 \P art I. 
 
 had lately built from the ground ; where 
 being bountifully feasted, the Queene 
 began to commend the scituation of the 
 place, as the statelinesse of the Edifice : 
 onely saith she (and called him by his 
 name) me thinkes the stayres are some- 
 what too narrow, and straight for so faire 
 a building. To whom he answered, 
 Gracious Madam, let the errour be ex- 
 cused, for when I first drew this Modell, 
 and layd the foundation, / never hoped 
 that so great a guest as your Majestie y 
 should have done me the grace, to be thus 
 mounted upon them. 
 
 A Salutation. 
 
 A Saluta- 
 tion. 
 
 \ SOULDIER, and a Courtier meet- 
 
 ing, and purposing to renew old 
 
 acquaintance : Sir, saith the Courtier, I 
 
 wish 
 
Con rt.] 
 
 Moderns Jests. 
 
 29 
 
 wish that every haire on my head were 
 a Groome, and vassaile to doe you service. 
 And sir, replyed the Souldier, I likewise 
 wish, that every blast from my backside 
 were a Cannon ready charged, to batter 
 downe your enemies. 
 
 Of a Nobleman and a 
 Physitian. 
 
 A N Outlandish Physitian presented his 
 service to a great man, and told 
 him he could cure all maladies whatso- 
 ever : to whom he jestingly replyed : In- 
 deed I use not to entertaine any Physi- 
 tian, before he can bring testimonie that 
 hee hath killed thirty at least : the Artist, 
 when he had paused a while, at last made 
 answere, now I collect my selfe, I thinke 
 I come not much short of that number ; 
 
 Of a 
 
 Nobleman 
 and a 
 Physitian. 
 
 for 
 
30 
 
 Witty Jeeves, 
 
 {Part I. 
 
 Of the 
 
 Emperour 
 Frederick j 
 and a 
 
 rar. I 
 
 for on my conscience I have beene the 
 death of nine and twenty already. Then 
 trust me (saith the Nobleman) you shall 
 not be my Doctor at this present, be- 
 cause / am loath to make up the number 
 of thirty. 
 
 Of the Emperour Frederick and 
 a Beggar. 
 
 r T v HE Emperour keeping a great Court 
 at Norimberg, where at that time, 
 was a meeting of most of the Germaine 
 Princes : a bold beggar intruding into the 
 Hall, desiring to bee admitted unto the 
 presence of Ccesar, because he was his 
 brother. But being often repulsed, not- 
 withstanding his importunitie, it came at 
 length to the Emperours eare, who some- 
 thing moved with the Noveltie, caused him 
 
 to 
 
Court.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 3* 
 
 to be brought before him ; and demanded 
 which way he came to be his brother, the 
 beggar undaunted made answere, that all 
 mortall men were brothers, from our first 
 Father Adam : and therefore as a brother 
 he beseeched him, to bestow something on 
 him, to the releefe of his necessitie. The 
 Emperour somewhat offended with his 
 saucinesse commanded a small peece of 
 silver to be given him, to the valew of a 
 penny ; on which the beggar looking, sayd 
 aloud, oh invincible Ccesar, it becomes not 
 thee, to give so small a gift (being so rich) 
 to a brother so poore. Yes, (replyes the 
 Emperour) Fare thee well : for if all thy 
 brothers will give thee but so much as I 
 have done> thou wilt in short time be much 
 richer than my selfe. 
 
32 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part L 
 
 A Gentle- 
 man 
 
 Vsherthat 
 let a fart. 
 
 A Gentleman Vsher that let 
 a fart. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN Usher sent on a 
 serious Message to a great Lady, 
 and having a long tale to deliver ; in the 
 midst of his speech, not able to containe 
 it, he let a great fart, which was heard 
 all over the Chamber; at which the Ladies 
 Gentlewomen, and chambermaides, began 
 to tehee and laugh ; when presently one 
 of them by stifling in her breath, be- 
 cause she would not laugh too loud, 
 chanced to do the like ; which he ob- 
 serving abruptly broke his discourse, and 
 turning to them, sayd, I marry young 
 Gentlewomen you doe well, I know it is 
 for your ease ; I beseech you let it goe in 
 order round, and when it shall come againe 
 
 to 
 
Court.'] 
 
 Modeme Jests. 
 
 33 
 
 to my turne 1 shall make proof e what I 
 can doe. 
 
 On gray hayres. 
 
 /^NE being asked, why his head was 
 all gray, but not one white haire 
 on his beard, answered, it is no wonder : 
 for the haire of my head y is older than 
 that of my beard } by twenty yeares. 
 
 Of a Gentleman that played 
 with false Dice. 
 
 A 
 
 could be made, when he had swept the 
 last stakes into his hat, bad them good 
 night, and presently went downe stayres, 
 In the meane while every one stood be- 
 
 On gray 
 hayres. 
 
 GENTLEMAN at an Ordinary, o/aGen 
 
 I tleman 
 
 having won all the money that 
 
 that 
 played 
 ■with false 
 Dice.' 
 
 wayling 
 
34 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part I. 
 
 way ling his misfortune. At length they 
 sent him, that waited on the boxe, after 
 the Gentleman, to demand something of 
 him for candles and dice : the Box- 
 keeper over-tooke him in the streete, and 
 intreated him to the same purpose ; but 
 he made answere he would not part with 
 a pennie, as for the candles (saith he) 
 wee could not see to play without 'em, 
 and for the dice, commend me to the 
 Gentlemen, and tell them, / playd with 
 mine owne. 
 
 Of a 
 
 Papist to 
 be con- 
 verted. 
 
 Of a Papist to be converted. 
 
 A GRAVE Divine attempting to con- 
 
 vert a Gentleman, (who after his 
 
 travailes returned home a Roman Catho- 
 
 licke) used many perswasions to him. 
 
 But the Gentleman stood still, as if his 
 
 minde 
 
Court] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 minde were busied about some other 
 matter. Why (saith the Doctor) for 
 ought I see, my words goe in at one 
 eare, and out at the other. Nay sir 
 (replyed the Papist) feare it not ; for it 
 is impossible that should get out y which 
 never came in. 
 
 35 
 
 On the degrees of Age. 
 
 T T EE that at twenty yeares old is 
 not wel favoured ; at thirty 
 strong, at forty wise, and at fifty rich : 
 let him never hope in this life, to at- 
 taine unto beauty, strength, wisedome, 
 or wealth. 
 
 On the 
 degrees of 
 Age. 
 
 The 
 
36 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part I. 
 
 The 
 
 King of 
 Swedens 
 Goose. 
 
 The King of Swedens Goose. 
 
 np^HE King of Sweden sitting downe 
 with a very small company, before 
 a Towne of his enemies ; they to slight 
 his force, hung out a Goose for him to 
 shoote at, but perceiving before night, 
 that these few souldiers had invaded, and 
 set their chiefe holds on fire, they de- 
 manded of him, what his intent was : he 
 made answere, To roast your Goose. 
 
 On a Count ery Atturney. 
 
 on a A COUNTRY Atturney soliciting his 
 
 Countery /~\ 
 
 Atturney. Clients Cause before the Judges, 
 
 and being in a gaudie habite, not sutable 
 to his profession, was demanded by one 
 of them, who he was ; he answered, he 
 was an Atturney sworne in that Court. 
 
 The 
 
Court.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 37 
 
 The Judge moreover asked him his name. 
 My name, sayd he, if it please your 
 Lordship is Rapier (as it was indeede). 
 Rapier ? replyed the Judge, then Rapier, 
 sayd he, I charge you against the next 
 time that you appeare before me, to 
 provide yom selfe a blacke scabbard, or 
 else I shall goe neere to scowre you. 
 
 On Rosa. 
 
 O OS A is faire but not a 
 
 Proper woman : 
 Can any woman proper be, 
 that 's common ? 
 
 On Rosa, 
 
 A 
 
38 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part I. 
 
 A Gentle- 
 man 
 to his 
 Mistresse. 
 
 Who the 
 surest 
 Friend. 
 
 A Gentleman to his Mistresse. 
 
 TJZHEN first I saw thee, 
 
 Thou didst sweetely play, 
 The gentle theefe, and stol J st 
 
 My heart away. 
 Give me't againe y or else 
 Send backe thine owne : 
 For two's too much for thee, 
 Since I have none. 
 But if thou wilt not, I will say thou art 
 A sweet faire Creature, with a double heart. 
 
 Who the surest Friend. 
 
 /^NE sayd, that a Louse was the 
 surest friend : for in adversitie, 
 when all others fall off, shee stickes the 
 fastest. 
 
 A 
 
Court.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 39 
 
 A JVittie put off. 
 
 S~\ N E being convented before the 
 Governours of the place where 
 he lived, for getting his Laundresse with 
 childe ; they sayd, they wondred that a 
 man of his place and gravitie, would so 
 much over-shoote himselfe. Why should 
 you wonder at that (said he). It had 
 indeed beene a wonder, if she had gotten 
 me with childe, and so put off the matter 
 with a jest. 
 
 A Wittie 
 put off. 
 
 A Noble and Wise saying. 
 
 A CERTAINE King, that loved 
 learning, seeing a famous Lib- 
 rary ; when he had a while, with silent 
 admiration, contemplated the place, and 
 the happy content of a studious schollar- 
 
 A Noble 
 and Wise 
 saying. 
 
 like 
 
40 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part I. 
 
 like life ; at his departure he broke out 
 into this notable speech : If I were not 
 a King, I would be an Academian ; and 
 if so be, I were prisoner, and might 
 have my wish, I would desire to have 
 no other Prison than that Library, and 
 to be chained together with my fellow 
 writers. 
 
 The 
 
 Transpo- 
 sition of 
 Letters. 
 
 The Transposition of Letters. 
 
 A MELANCHOLLY Gentleman sit- 
 ting one day at Table, started up 
 on a suddaine, and meaning to say, 
 I must goe buy a dagger, by trans- 
 posing of the letters, sayd, / must goe 
 dye a Beggar. 
 
 An 
 
Court.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 41 
 
 An 
 
 Answer 
 wise and 
 witty. 
 
 An Answer wise and witty. 
 
 A GRAVE, wise, and learned Lord 
 Chancellour of this Kingdome, was 
 pressed to pledge a health to the King 
 of England, which my Lord refused. It 
 being made knowne to the King, when 
 his Lordship came next in his Majesties 
 presence, the King said unto him : what 
 grudge (my Lord) betwixt you and I, 
 that you refused to pledge my health : 
 my Lord answered : I will pray for your 
 Majesties healthy and I will drinke for 
 my owne health. 
 
 Another. 
 
 A TAVERNE-RECKNING was de- 
 livered to the same Lord Chancel- 
 lour, instead of a Petition : his Lordship 
 
 F perceiving 
 
42 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part L 
 
 A Noble- 
 mans 
 Steward. 
 
 perceiving the mistake, said, The reckning 
 being discharged, I see no reason of com- 
 plaint. 
 
 A Noblemans Steward. 
 
 A NOBLEMANS Steward had in- 
 vited some friends to dinner, and 
 meeting with the Cooke, said unto him, 
 Mr. Cooke, let mee have the best dish 
 of meate, that is drest to day, For / 
 am Jacke pay for all. The Nobleman 
 over-hearing him, said, and when Master 
 Steward is served (Mr. Cooke) I pray let 
 me have the next best dish, for / am 
 Jack pay for all 
 
 Of 
 
Court.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 43 
 
 Of a Nobleman and a Serving- 
 man. 
 
 \ NOBLEMAN in this Kingdome, 
 walking early in his Parke, espied 
 a Servingman to put off his Cloake, and 
 lay by his sword, and to come over the 
 paile, there to untrusse a point : which he 
 standing behinde a tree and seeing, tooke 
 his opportunitie, and getting over the stile, 
 seazed upon his sword. The man having 
 done his businesse, returnes. My Lord 
 drawes at him, and asks him how hee durst 
 to be so bold, to abuse his ground so ? 
 Swearing withall by no common oathes, 
 that if he would not beare over in his 
 hands, what he had left there, he would 
 kill him, if there were no more men in 
 the world, and with that began to strike 
 
 Of a 
 
 Noble- 
 man and 
 a Serving- 
 man. 
 
 at 
 
44 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 IP art I. 
 
 at him. The Servingman perceiving he 
 purpos'd as he spoke, and being unarmed, 
 thought best to submit himselfe to the 
 necessitie, and did that, to which he was 
 enforced : which done, the Lord gave him 
 backe his cloake and his sword, and was 
 going away : but the Servingman vext 
 (and I cannot blame him) to be so 
 brutishly used, would take no notice of 
 him, (though hee knew him well enough) 
 who he was, but finding himself pos- 
 sess'd of his sword, said unto him, Sirrah, 
 be thou what thou canst be, thou art but 
 a man as I am ; instantly beare that 
 backe, which thou madest me to bring 
 over, or the same sword, which even now 
 thou bendest against me, shall cut thee 
 as small as flesh to the Pot ; and like a 
 mad man he began to menace him, and 
 indeed compelPd him to doe it : which 
 
 when 
 
Court.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 45 
 
 when his Lordship had done, at parting 
 he said ; thou base villaine, and hast thou 
 serv'd me so ? Even so (quoth the Ser- 
 vingman) and it tis but Quid pro Quo. 
 
 Of a Lawyer and his Taylour. 
 
 A 
 
 TAYLOUR having made a grave ; o/aLaw- 
 
 I yer and 
 
 Lawyer a suite of cloathes, sent 
 
 one of his Prentices with his Bill to him, 
 just in the beginning of the Tearme, when 
 he was very busie, looking over his writ- 
 ings ; who bid the boy not to trouble him 
 then, for he had not leasure to looke it 
 over ; and tell thy Master (saith he) I am 
 not running away. With which answer the 
 boy return'd, and came backe againe some 
 halfe an houre after ; entreating him, that 
 he would peruse his Bill, and send his 
 Master the money due to him. The 
 
 his 
 
 Taylour. 
 
 Lawyer 
 
4 6 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part I. 
 
 Lawyer having not yet ended his busi- 
 nesse, was somewhat angry, to be so in- 
 terrupted, said to the Lad, why, didst 
 thou tell thy Master, as I bid thee, I was 
 not running away ? I did indeed Sir 
 (saith the Boy) and he bid me tell you 
 again, That though you were not running 
 away, yet he was. 
 
 Scoggens 
 Conceit to 
 the French 
 King. 
 
 Scoggens Conceit to the French 
 King. 
 
 TTENR Y the eight King of England 
 being in opposition with the King 
 of France ; It hapned at the same time, 
 that ScoggeiZy King Henries Jester, was 
 in the French Court ; in whom, for his 
 pleasant discourse, the King was much 
 delighted, and going upon a time to the 
 house of Office, called Scoggen along with 
 
 him, 
 
Courts] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 47 
 
 him, and said unto him, See fellow, how 
 I value thy King, whose Picture thou 
 seest hanging here in my Privyes ; to 
 whom Scoggen made answer, I observe 
 it well Sir, and withall, that you never 
 looke upon it, but at the sight thereof , you 
 are ready to bewray your Breeches. 
 
 A pretty conceit to make up 
 rime. 
 
 *7^HE third of November Vandone 
 
 scap'd the water, 
 The fourth of November the Queene had a 
 
 Daughter, 
 The fifth of November we scap'd a great 
 
 slaughter, 
 And the sixth of November was next day 
 
 after. 
 
 A pretty 
 conceit to 
 make up 
 rime. 
 
 of 
 
4 8 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 IP art I. 
 
 Of a ; 
 
 Judge to J 
 a Client. 
 
 Arche 
 
 ove?-- 
 
 reacJid. 
 
 Of a yudge to a Client. 
 
 A N importunate Client, all the Barre 
 fearing (it seemes) that the cause 
 would goe against him, was very clamor- 
 ous in Court, to have a longer day ; (it 
 being at that time about the middle of 
 June). Well fellow (saith the Judge) thou 
 shalt have thy desire. Thy day of hear- 
 ing shall be upon Saint Barnabyes dayes 
 next, and that is the longest day in the 
 yeare. 
 
 Arche over-reach d. J 
 
 I /^^vVR Patron Arche, the Kings Jester, 
 ^^^ having before fool'd many, was at 
 last well met withall : For comming to 
 a Nobleman to give him good morrow 
 upon Newyeares day, he received a very 
 
 gracious 
 
Court.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 49 
 
 gracious reward from him : twenty good 
 peeces of gold in his hand. But the 
 covetous foole expecting (it seemes) a 
 greater ; shooke them in his fist, and 
 said they were too light. The Nobleman 
 tooke it ill from him, but dissembling his 
 anger, he said, I prethee Arche, let mee 
 see them againe, for amongst them there 
 is one peece, I would be loath to part 
 with. Arche supposing hee would have 
 added more unto them, delivered them 
 backe to my Lord, who putting 'em up 
 in his pocked, said, well, I once gave 
 money into a fooles hand, who had not 
 the wit to keepe it. 
 
 An 
 
5o 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part I. 
 
 An 
 
 English 
 man and 
 a French 
 man 
 courting 
 a Lady. 
 
 An English man and a French 
 man courting a Lady, 
 
 A' 
 
 N English man and a French man 
 going to visite a hansome Lady, 
 the French man much taken with her 
 feature, at first sight, stept forward be- 
 fore the other, and kiss'd her : at which 
 the English Gentleman greatly incensed, 
 as being of his acquaintance, told him, 
 such manners savoured of the French im- 
 pudence, and misbecame him here. But 
 he thinking to excuse himselfe, and not 
 well acquainted with our English phraise, 
 repli'd, no harme done, good Mounsieur ; 
 for now I have kist her before, you have 
 good leave to kisse her behinde. Meaning 
 after. 
 
Court. 1 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 5i 
 
 A witty answer from a Court 
 Lady. 
 
 A GREAT Lady in Court, having a 
 pretty Dog, when it dy'd, shee 
 wept for it. A great man in Court, who 
 had buried two wives, amongst others 
 came to comfort her : but instead of that, 
 blamed her childish, and womanish folly, 
 to mourne for a scurvy Puppy. My 
 Lady replied, I beseech you, of all others, 
 not to blame mee, that (as I understand) 
 did not so much for both your dead wives , 
 as I have done for this poore Puppy. 
 
 A Censure in the Chancery. 
 
 J" N a Case of Land, which was brought 
 into the Chancery, the Counsell be- 
 ing fee'de on both sides, as the phrase of 
 
 A witty 
 answer 
 from a 
 Court 
 Lady. 
 
 A Censure 
 in the 
 
 Chancery. 
 
 the 
 
52 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 \^P art I. 
 
 A 
 
 Countrey 
 Gentle- 
 zvoman 
 going 
 
 one of the 
 Inns of 
 Court. 
 
 the Court is, one of the parties said, my 
 good Lord, we lye on this side ; said 
 the Counsell of the other party, and my 
 good Lord, wee lye on this side : to 
 whom my Lord return'd answer, which 
 of you then shall I beleeve, when by 
 your owne confession, you lye on both 
 sides ? 
 
 A Countrey Gentlewoman going 
 through one of the Inns of 
 Court. 
 
 A COUNTREY Gentlewoman being 
 upon some urgent occasion drawn 
 up to the Terme, it was her chance to 
 passe through one of the Inns of Court, 
 immediately after dinner, where the Court 
 was full of Gentlemen, walking up and 
 downe, in their Gownes and Cappes : the 
 
 Country 
 
Court. 1 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 53 
 
 Country Gentlewoman wondring who 
 they might be in such formality, de- 
 manded of one : of what condition and 
 qualitie they were ; who told her, they 
 were Students of the Law. What are 
 these practising (said she) to be such as 
 we commonly call Lawyers ? Answer 
 was made that they were so. At length 
 the good Gentlewoman, fetching a great 
 sigh, said, Now alas poore City ! how 
 art thou like to be pestered, for we have 
 but one Lawyer in our Shire, and hee 
 troubles the whole Country. 
 
 Of a Bishop to his Servingman. 
 
 A CERTAINE Bishop sitting one 
 
 night at supper by himselfe, talked 
 
 pleasantly with his men that waited on 
 
 him, and ask'd one of them why hee 
 
 Of a 
 
 Bishop to 
 his Ser- 
 vingman. 
 
 grew 
 
54 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 IP art I. 
 
 grew so fat, he made answer, hee was not 
 so fat as most men thought him. No 
 Tom (replies the Bishop) thou art fatuus 
 in facie, & Leno in corpore. Indeede Sir 
 (sayes Tom) they that know me will say 
 no lesse of me. 
 
 An 
 
 Answer 
 touching 
 Marriage. 
 
 An Answer touching Marriage. 
 
 A LADY observing a Gentleman that 
 was a Batchelour, much given to 
 Melancholly, merrily said unto him, truely 
 Sir, I am of opinion, that you will never 
 be truely merry, till you be married : to 
 whom he answered, Introth Madam, and 
 I am of opinion, / shall never laugh till 
 my heart ake till then. 
 
 A 
 
Court.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 55 
 
 A long Bill 
 
 A TAYLOUR bringing a Bill of ex- 
 traordinary length, to a Gentleman, 
 and altogether desparing of present pai- 
 ment, because the party was preparing 
 for travell : the Gentleman demands what 
 hee will bate him of the maine Bill, and 
 he will pay him downe the rest in ready 
 money. Ready Cash ! (quoth the Tay- 
 lour) being extasi'de with the very 
 thought ; I will bate you (saith he) a 
 full yard, Citie measure, and that's a 
 hand full more : take it off in the middle, 
 the top, or the botome ; any of these 
 three, chuse you which. 
 
 A long 
 Bill. 
 
 An 
 
56 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part I. 
 
 A 71 
 
 English 
 man in 
 France. 
 
 An English man in France. 
 
 \ N English gentleman being in France, 
 and having exercised himselfe in a 
 I Dancing Schoole, had put off his Pumps, 
 and wiping himself with a drie towell, was 
 ready to be gone : when on the sudden 
 enters a French Mounsieur, and entreated 
 him to put on his pumps agen, that hee 
 might see him practise : the other ex- 
 cused it, by reason of his wearinesse, and 
 that by too much heating his body, he 
 might endanger a surfeit : but the Moun- 
 sieur grew from entreaty to importunity, 
 from importunity to threats ; and withall 
 seeing his sword lye a distance from him, 
 drawes it, and sweares, that if hee will not 
 presently satisfie him in his request he will 
 run him through. The Eitglish man 
 seeing at what advantage hee had him, 
 
 yeelds 
 
Court. 1 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 57 
 
 yeelds to the present necessitie, dances 
 out his Galliard, and gives him as much 
 content, as he can desire : but having 
 ended, made himselfe ready, and reco- 
 vered his sword ; comming close to the 
 Mounsieur, hee tells him, that if he be 
 a Gentleman, he must satisfie him for 
 this affront, and either acknowledge, that 
 he had done him a manifest wrong, or 
 decide the difference by the sword : the 
 other seeing how neare it toucht his re- 
 putation, told him he would give him 
 meeting to his desire. The place and 
 houre was appointed, their weapons agreed 
 upon, and their length taken. The morn- 
 ing came, and singly without second they 
 met ; when presently the Englishman 
 drawing a case of Pistols, bids the Moun- 
 sieur dance, I, and to what tune he would, 
 either sing or whistle : the other taxes 
 
 H 
 
 him 
 
58 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part I. 
 
 him of dishonourable advantage; but hee 
 is obstinate, and sweares he will shoote 
 him, if he will not dance. Then the French 
 man perceiving no meanes to avoide it, 
 layes downe his Armes, and footes it with 
 all the curiositie he can : which done, the 
 English man tells him, now they are upon 
 equall tearmes, gives him leave to rest and 
 breath, and having made himselfe sport 
 sufficiently, fought with him, and had the 
 better of the Duell. 
 
 A demure 
 Lady. 
 
 A demure Lady. 
 
 A CERTAINE Knight had invited 
 much good company to dinner, 
 and amongst the rest, there was a Lady 
 that sate very demurely, and eate nothing, 
 which the hearty old Knight observing, 
 he cheerefully wish'd her to fall too. I 
 
 thanke 
 
Court.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 59 
 
 thanke you sir (quoth, she) but insooth 
 my stomack's gone ; / eate the whole 
 pestile of a Larke to Breakfast this morn- 
 ing. Marry, and like enough (replied the 
 Knight) for there lyes the feathers on your 
 ruffe. Now there lay a small peece of 
 Cabbage leafe upon her ruffe, which, with 
 her Ladiships blushing besides, bewray'd 
 the good Madam to have beene eating 
 wholsome beefe, and Cabbage. 
 
 Of Travelling. 
 
 A QUESTION being asked what 
 creature were the greatest travel- 
 lours next unto men : one answered a 
 dogge, one a horse, and some one beast, 
 some another ; but when every one had 
 delivered his opinion, saith he that pro- 
 posed it, I hold the greatest travellours of 
 
 Of Tra- 
 velling. 
 
 any 
 
6o 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part I. 
 
 any creature next unto a man, is that 
 which he breedes, and sticks neerest unto 
 him ; I meane that small beast called a 
 Louse. 
 
 Women Writers. 
 
 Women 
 Writers. 
 
 A QUESTION being asked, why wo- 
 men, either all, or the most part, 
 when they learne to write, practise Ro- 
 mane hand ; it was answered him againe, 
 that it stood with great reason, for he had 
 never heard of any woman that made 
 good Secretary. 
 
 A Silly Question. 
 
 A suiy r | A WO Gentlemen lying together, saith 
 
 Question. 
 
 the one to the other, prethee Franke 
 let us rise early to morrow, because it is 
 
 Holy-day. 
 
Court.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 61 
 
 Holy- day. Holy- day, answered he ? 
 What Holy day ? the other replied, it 
 is the day of our blessed Lady. What 
 saith he, Is it the day of her Circumcision. 
 
 A 
 
 A wise Answer. 
 
 GRAVE and wise man was repre- a wise 
 
 ! Answer. 
 
 hended by his friend for dancing 
 
 with young folkes at night, and told him 
 how ill it became a man of his wisedome 
 and dignitie. But he made answer, that 
 he which is wise in the day may dote a little 
 at night. Semel in Anno, ridet Apollo. 
 
 A Tatmt to a Lawyer. 
 
 A CERTAINE Lawyer, that was a 
 
 very bigge and corpulent man, 
 
 pleading against a Gentleman, a neigh- 
 
 A Taunt 
 to a 
 
 Lawyer. 
 
 bour 
 
62 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part I. 
 
 Two 
 friends 
 ivell met. 
 
 bour of his, used him with uncivill 
 tearmes. Well, said the Gentleman, I 
 thought by reason of neighbourhood, 
 you would give me better respect ; but 
 it is no matter. Non omnes sancti, qui 
 Calcant limina iempli : The greatest 
 Calves, are not alwayes the fattest Veale. 
 
 Two friends well met. 
 
 T N the time of King Henry the Eight, 
 there was a great difference [between] 
 two eminent Courtiers and Officers of 
 State, that nothing would satisfie either of 
 'em, but the ruine of the other, although 
 there was great mediation of friends on 
 each part : To be briefe, so far the one 
 prevailed, that he procured his adversary to 
 be committed to the Tower : where after 
 hee had remained some dayes, the other 
 
 also 
 
Court."} 
 
 Pleasant Taunts, 
 
 63 
 
 also fell into the Kings disfavour, and 
 likewise (being one of the white staves) 
 was committed to the same Prison : which 
 when his adversary saw, smiling, he said, 
 He was glad to see him walke without a 
 staffe. 
 
 CAMPE 
 
CAM PE J ESTS 
 
 Lib. I. Part II. 
 
 A Casheird Captaine. 
 
 A CAPTAINE in the Low Countries 
 being casheir'd, and his Company 
 conferred on another, he grew more pri- 
 vate and melancolly than usually ; and 
 not long after being met by the others 
 Leivetenant, was kindly saluted. Many 
 Complements past, the Leivetenant de- 
 manded of him, why he was so strange 
 of late, to absent himselfe so long from 
 his Captaine, who much desired to see 
 
 A 
 
 Caskeird 
 
 Captaine. 
 
 him. 
 
66 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part II. 
 
 him. He answered, I pray you commend 
 me to your Captaine, and tell him, hee 
 had my company too late. 
 
 A wager 
 of Eating. 
 
 A wager of Eating. 
 
 \ N English Captaine, and a Dutch 
 Captaine, both stout Trencher men, 
 laid a wager, which of them at one set 
 meale could eate most. Earnest was 
 given ; and they cast lots which of them 
 should bespeake their provant : It fell to 
 the Dutchman, who presently went downe 
 into the Kitchen, and bespake of the 
 Hostesse of the Ordinary a fat Capon, 
 and a dozen of Larkes, and so came up 
 againe to his company. Presently the 
 English Captaine went downe, to enquire 
 what he had spoke for, the Hostesse told 
 him, a Capon, and a dozen of Larkes. 
 
 How ? 
 
Camp.'] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 6 7 
 
 How ? saith he. I say Hostesse, send 
 into the Market, and buy for me a dozen 
 of Capons, and one Larke. The Dutch 
 man overhearing him, and supposing by 
 his words, his stomacke to be mightier, 
 than indeede it was, presently came to 
 composition, and recanted his bargaine. 
 
 Two old Captaines. 
 
 r 
 
 WO ancient Captaines looking on I Two old 
 
 : Captaines, 
 
 the rich hangings of Eightie eight ; 
 
 Observing in the border thereof, the 
 faces of all the prime Commanders, and 
 gentlemen of note, that had beene in the 
 service. Well, saith the one to the other, 
 if every man had his right, my face 
 might have had the honour to have beene 
 placed here, before some that I see : for 
 I am sure, I was ingaged in the hottest 
 
 in counter. 
 
68 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part II 
 
 incounter. The other replyed, content 
 thy selfe Captaine ; tis well knowne, 
 thou art an old Souldier, and reserved 
 for another hanging. 
 
 Of Grave 
 Maurice, 
 and Mar- 
 quesse 
 Spinola. 
 
 Of Grave Maurice, and Mar- 
 quesse Spinola. 
 
 |" T is reported of Marquesse Spinola, 
 that when he came first with an 
 army into the Low -Countries, hee sent 
 word to Grave Maurice, hee was now 
 come somewhat neerer him, and purposed 
 to sit as close unto him, as his Cassocke 
 to his backe : to whom Grave Maurice 
 return'd this answer ; that hee had often 
 knowne when a Souldier had tooke a 
 Merchants cloake from his shoulders, but 
 that a Merchant should plucke off a 
 
 Souldiers 
 
Camp.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 69 
 
 Souldiers Cassocke, hee had seldome 
 heard, or never. 
 
 Of a Captaine to be arrested. 
 
 /^vNE Captain Leonard Sampson, well 
 ^^ knowne about this towne, being 
 indepted, was way-layd by his creditours, 
 who had feed Sergeants to arrest him ; 
 the Sergeants spying him in cheapeside, 
 were stealing behind him to clap him on 
 the shoulders unawares : which a Gentle- 
 man a friend of his perceiving, he cryed 
 out aloude unto him, and sayd, the Phi- 
 listians bee upon thee Sampson. At which 
 words the Captaine suddenly looking 
 backe, and espying the Catchpoles, drew 
 his sword, and by that meanes escaped 
 from the Arrest. 
 
 Of a 
 
 Captaine 
 to be 
 arrested. 
 
 An 
 
70 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 [Part II 
 
 An old 
 Goose. 
 
 An old Goose. 
 
 LTENR Y the fourth, King of France, 
 of late famous memory, being 
 upon a long march, where victualls at 
 that time, were very scarse, hee grew 
 extreamely a hungred. At last an 
 honest Gentleman brought the legge of 
 a brood Goose Carbonadoed ; which 
 the King taking, and tugging with his 
 teeth a long while, ere he could pull it 
 a sunder, Mori die, saith he, this is sure 
 a limbe of that Goose, which in Camillus 
 his time, by her gabling saved the Roman 
 CapitolL 
 
 Of 
 
Ca7np.~\ Pleasant Taunts. yi 
 
 Of an English Generall to some 
 of his Officers. 
 
 upon a time disguising himselfe, hee 
 listned to a Tent, where hee heard 
 diverse of his Officers speake very 
 harshly against him. And when they 
 had ended their discourse, hee dis- 
 covered himselfe, and sayd, when you 
 next speake ill of me, I would wish 
 you for your owne sakes, to doe it a 
 little farther off. 
 
 an 
 
 SIR Francis Veire, a brave and eminent °f c 
 English 
 Generall, yet for his severity not Generall 
 
 to some 
 
 well spoken of amongst his Souldiers, of his 
 
 Officers. 
 
 A 
 
72 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part II. 
 
 A Marri- 
 ner in a 
 storm r. 
 
 A Marriner in a storme, 
 
 T T chanced that a Merchants ship was 
 violently tossed by a storme at Sea, 
 insomuch that all despairing of safety, 
 betooke themselves to prayer, saving one 
 onely Marriner, who was ever wishing to 
 see two starres. O (saith he) that I could 
 see but two starres, or but one of the 
 two ! and of these words he made so 
 often repitition, that disturbing the medi- 
 tations of the rest, at length one asked 
 him what two starres, or what one starre 
 he meant, to whom he replyed, O that I 
 could but see the starre in Cheape-side, or 
 the starre in Coleman streete f I care not 
 whether. 
 
Camp.'] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 73 
 
 A Salutation betwixt two 
 Captaines. 
 
 r I A W0 Souldiers of eminent command, 
 and of contrary sides, the one an 
 approoved valiant man, the other a 
 knowne Coward, upon a truce made, 
 came to enterview : when the Cowardly 
 Captaine comming to salute the other, 
 sayd, doe you not know me ? the other 
 answered, sir I should better have knowne 
 you, if you had showed me your backe : 
 for that / have seene often, but your face 
 (till now) never. 
 
 A desperate Say/or. 
 
 A Saluta- 
 tion be- 
 twixt two 
 Captaines. 
 
 A SHIP under Sayle being accident- 
 ally set on fire, by chance there 
 was in it a desperate Saylor, who seeing 
 
 K 
 
 the 
 
74 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 [Part II. 
 
 the vessell burne under them, that no 
 hope of life appear'd to any man but 
 that all must perish betwixt the two 
 Elements of fire and water ; hee stand- 
 ing upon the hatches, and is it so (saith 
 he) Nay then, some roasted and some 
 sod : and with that desperately leapt into 
 the Sea. 
 
 A 
 
 drunken 
 
 Souldier. 
 
 A drunken Souldier. 
 
 A RIOTOUS drunken Souldier, that 
 had lost the sheath of his dagger, 
 carryed it naked in his hand : and being 
 demanded by one that knew him, why 
 he bore a drawne weapon so dangerously 
 about with him ? he made answere, it 
 was to stab him that was drunke before 
 him. 
 
 An 
 
Camp.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 75 
 
 An Abhominable tmth. 
 
 / T"^WO having met the field in a frosty 
 morning, it hapned that one of them 
 with an unluckey backe blow strucke the 
 others head cleane from his shoulders. 
 Which done, fearing the severity of the 
 Law, enacted against duells, and his wit 
 (as it is then for the most part sharpest) 
 steading him in his necessity, he clapt 
 the head fresh bleeding on to the necke 
 againe ; holding it close, till the cold 
 ayre had setled, and knit it fast as be- 
 fore. After this, he had him straight- 
 way to the next Taverne, there with a 
 good fire and wine to comfort him. But 
 the wounded party, when he had sate a- 
 while, (the heate having expeld the Frost, 
 and dissolved the congealed blood) think- 
 ing to blow his nose and throw away the 
 
 An 
 
 Abhomin- 
 able truth. 
 
 filth, 
 
7 6 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 IP art II. 
 
 Of a 
 Welch- 
 man that 
 
 thefield. 
 
 filth, He flung his owne head into the fire : 
 which as I heard, could never be set 
 right since. 
 
 Of a Welch-man that chal- 
 lenged the field. 
 
 A WELCH-MAN in heate of blood, 
 challenged an Englishman the 
 field ; and because he thought that was 
 the safest, he would fight at no weapon 
 but sword and buckler. Well, the field 
 was appointed, the parties met, both 
 readily provided : when the Englishman 
 standing close upon his guard and watch- 
 ing his opportunity, strook the other a 
 good blow below the knee. The welch- 
 man feeling it smart, and seeing the 
 blood runne downe, threw his weapons 
 away ; and swearing and staring, sploot 
 
 (quoth 
 
Camp.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 77 
 
 (quoth he) was not her buckler broad 
 enough, but her must hit her upon the 
 
 A sharpe Sword. 
 
 /^\NE commended the goodnesse of 
 his blade : for (sayeth he) going 
 to cut a hard barly loafe ; for want of 
 a knife, I made use of my sword (a thing 
 not unusuall with us Souldiers in warre) 
 and summoning all my strength together 
 ere I could be aware, I sliced through the 
 loafe, my selfe, and two behind me. As 
 sure as I live (quoth he) quite through 
 my selfe, and two men behinde me. 
 
 A sharpe 
 Sword. 
 
 A 
 
78 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part II. 
 
 A pretty 
 way to 
 reconcile 
 enemies. 
 
 A pretty way to reconcile 
 enemies. 
 
 HP WO Captaines fallen out, that 
 breathed nothing but death and 
 destruction one to the other, were by 
 the mediation of some friends, brought 
 to milder termes, and perswaded to referre 
 the businesse, to bee decided by a grave 
 understanding Gentleman, well knowne to 
 them all. When they had condescended 
 to this, and the Gentleman accordingly 
 had undertaken to determine the matter ; 
 he brought them privately into a roome, 
 making them sweare there devoutly, that 
 since they had referred themselves to him, 
 they would stand to his award. Which 
 done, this (saith he) is my sentence, that 
 you stirre not hence, till you are reconciled, 
 
 and 
 
Camp.'] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 79 
 
 and with that left 'em. The Captaines 
 finding themselves bound by oath, and 
 not willing to stay there prisoners long, 
 because pressed by urgent occasions, pre- 
 sently came to composition, and departed 
 friends. 
 
 Two Ancient Companions. 
 
 TWO old Souldiers and companions, Two 
 I Ancient 
 that had served in the Low Coun- i Com- 
 
 | panions. 
 
 tries twenty odde yeares together ; in the 
 last German warre, tooke pay under the 
 King of Sweden : and whilst his Majestie 
 lay with his Army before Frankford, it 
 chanced as they two, with some others, 
 were tipling, just as one of them, was 
 heaving up a great Bombard of beere, to 
 fill his cup, it chanced I say, that a bullet 
 from the besieged wall strooke the Jacke 
 
 out 
 
8o 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 IP art II. 
 
 out of his hand, and with it halfe his 
 head off. The other his ancient Fami- 
 liar, and acquaintance seeing it ; Zounds 
 (saith he, swearing like a mad man) the 
 drink's all spilt. 
 
 A stolne Pigge. 
 
 A stolne A POO RE Garrison Souldier, ram- 
 
 bling one day abroad, to pillage 
 the Country, without license from his 
 Captaine, could light on nothing but a 
 Pig, which he brought home, and not car- 
 rying it over closely, was apprehended by 
 the Officers, and after examination by a 
 Martiall Law adjudged to be hang'd. 
 Which sentence was presently to be exe- 
 cuted, the man was brought to the Gal- 
 lowes, and the rope about his necke : 
 but by some intercession made to his 
 
 Captaine 
 
Camp.'] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 Captaine for him (the fact not being 
 great) a pardon was granted and he ac- 
 quitted. Who when he came downe, his 
 comrades flocking about him, asked him 
 how he lik'd his Pig ? Marry, a poxe 
 take the Pigge, and a Plague to (quoth 
 he) the Petty-toes had almost choak'd me. 
 
 A 
 
 A little Sword. 
 
 CERTAINE Comander espying one A little 
 
 Sword. 
 
 of his Company with a little sword 
 called him to him, and asked him why he 
 wore no better weapon : for (saith he) thy 
 enemie Juglar-like, wil swallow such a 
 knife as this is. Sir, replyed the Souldier, 
 if I misse not my aime, / shall make it 
 enter his stomacke the wrong way. 
 
 Of 
 
82 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part II. 
 
 Of a 
 
 marryed 
 man who 
 had but 
 one eye. 
 
 Of a marryed man who had 
 but one eye. 
 
 A MAN with one eye, thinking hee 
 had married a Virgin, and finding 
 that she had before beene visited, grew 
 into very bitter language, upbraiding her 
 of inchastity, saying, she came not unto 
 him, (as he expected) sound and perfect. 
 The woman made answere, why shouldst 
 thou look, that I should come so unto thee, 
 that art thy selfe neither sound, nor per- 
 fect, being halfe blinde, as wanting one of 
 thine eyes. I but woman (saith he) this 
 hurt which I have, I received from mine 
 enemie. She answered him againe ; why, 
 and know thou man, that this flaw which 
 I have got, I received from my friend. 
 
 Of 
 
Camp.~\ 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 83 
 
 Of a Gentleman- Pusher to fight 
 a Duell. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN -Usher, question- 
 lesse redoubted and valiant, as by 
 the Sequell will appeare, fell at varience 
 with another Gentleman, Retainer to his 
 Lady ; insomuch that they challenged the 
 field, and appointed the place, and time 
 of meeting, which was to be the morrow 
 morning. But this Spruce Usher, loath 
 (as it seemes) to doe any thing without 
 warrant, went very wisely over night to 
 his Lady, to desire her leave, to revenge 
 himselfe on his enemie ; which (saith he) 
 has abused me, and that with your Ladi- 
 ships consent^ I shall soone proove on his 
 dearest life. The good young Lady 
 halfe frighted with his valiant language, 
 
 Of a Gen- 
 tleman- 
 Vsher to 
 fight a 
 Duell. 
 
 would 
 
8 4 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part II 
 
 would much lesse suffer blowes : but 
 calling them together, she charged them 
 on paine of her utter displeasure, from 
 thence forward to live peaceably, and as 
 good friends should. 
 
 A resolute 
 speech of 
 one con- 
 temned 
 for his 
 low 
 parentage. 
 
 A resolute speech of one con- 
 temned for his low parentage. 
 
 A MAN of obscure birth, attaining to 
 a place of great Command, had 
 power over many of better descent than 
 himselfe ; who murmured that so meane 
 a Personage should bee preferred before 
 them. Whereupon, perceiving how they 
 repined at his advancement, he sayd unto 
 them ; Gentlemen question not my birth, 
 nor who my Father was. / am the Sonne 
 of mine owne desert, and mine owne for- 
 tune : and any man with my good leave, 
 
 and 
 
• Camp.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 85 
 
 and liking, shall weare my dignities, if 
 by his better demerrits he can win them 
 from me. 
 
 A Souldier-like Answere. 
 
 A FELLOW maym'd and lame, made : 
 
 suite to a Captaine, that he might 
 
 be entertained, and serve under him. 
 
 The Captaine seeing his infirmitie, sayd, 
 
 what should I doe with such as thee in j 
 
 my Regiment, thou art lame and im- 
 
 I 
 potent ? O but sir (quoth the man) if 
 
 you will please to consider, the vertue of 
 
 a Souldier consists in standing to his 
 
 tackle, and not in making tise of his 
 
 legges to rmme away. 
 
 A 
 
 Souldier- 
 
 like 
 
 Answere. 
 
86 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 [Part II. 
 
 A 
 
 Desperate 
 
 Lyer. 
 
 A Desperate Lyer. 
 
 A YOUNG drunken rascall, that had 
 beene in the late German wars, at 
 his returne backe, boasted of what repute 
 he was, and how highly honoured in the 
 Imperiall Court. For (saith he) the Polo- 
 nian King, a confederate of the Empe- 
 rours, being resident at Vienna with him ; 
 it chanced that one day after dinner, they 
 sent for me ; where in a private retiring 
 roome, we were very merry, and tippled 
 freely. But after many healths and ca^ 
 rouses gone round, the Emperour seeing 
 me hold out stifly, and willing to over- 
 throw mee, he plyed me so long with full 
 cups, till at last quite over-gorged with 
 ; wine, / spew'd in the King of Polands 
 Cod-peice. 
 
 An 
 
Camp."] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 87 
 
 An old Song on the Spanish 
 Armado in '88. 
 
 C*OME yeares of late, in eighty eight 
 
 As I doe .well remember ; 
 It was some say, nineteenth of May, 
 But some say in September, 
 But some say in September. 
 
 An old 
 Song on 
 the 
 
 Spanish 
 Armado 
 in '88. 
 
 The Spanish traine lanclid forth amaine, 
 
 With many a fine Brevado, 
 Their, as they thought, but it proov'd not, 
 
 Invincible Armado, 
 
 Invincible &c. 
 
 There was a little man, that dwelt in Spain 
 Who shot well in a Gun- a, 
 
 Don 
 
88 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 IP art II. 
 
 Don Pedro hight, as blacke a wight, 
 As the Knight of the Sunn-ay 
 As the &e. 
 
 \ King Philip made him Admiralty 
 And bid him not to stay-a y 
 But to destroy both man and boy. 
 And so to come his way-a, 
 And so &c. 
 
 Their Navie was well victualled 
 With biskety Pease y and Bacon : 
 
 They brought 2 ships ful fraught with whips y 
 But I thinke they were mistaken y 
 But I &c. 
 
 Their men was youngy munition strong. 
 And to doe us more harm-a y 
 
 They 
 
Camp^\ 
 
 Modeme Jests. 
 
 8 9 
 
 They thought it meete to joyne their fleete, 
 All with the Prince of Parma's, 
 All with &c. 
 
 They coasted round about our land, 
 And so came in by Dover : 
 
 But we had men, soone set on them, 
 And threw the rascals over, 
 And threzv &c. 
 
 The Queene was then at Tilsbury, 
 What could we more desire-a ? 
 
 And sir Francis Drake, for her sweete sake, 
 Did set them all on fire-a, 
 Did set &c. 
 
 When straight they fled by sea and land, 
 So that one man kilTd threescore-a, 
 
 M 
 
 And 
 
90 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 IP art II. 
 
 And but that they all ran away> 
 G my Soule he had kiWd more-a, 
 (J my Soule &c. 
 
 Then let them neither brag nor boast, 
 But if they come agen-a, 
 
 Let 'em take heede they doe not speede, 
 As they did they know when-a. 
 As they did they know when-a. 
 
 TO 
 
To the Reader. 
 
 J J ZEE should wrong Ctistome, not to bring 
 
 our guests 
 The second cotcrse, to furnish out the feast. 
 Mens pallats being nice, our wits must striv 
 To Cooke varieties, such as may give 
 A relish to their fancies : wherefore now 
 After Court, Campe, and Citie Jests I trow 
 A Colledge commons will not doe a misse 
 Amongst the rest ; nor a good Popish dish, 
 Fetcht fro the Cloysters, and to end the cheere 
 
 You must expect some Country viands here. 
 If thou canst like, fall too, but if thou, hast 
 (Reader) a squemish appitite ; nor tast 
 
92 To the Reader. 
 
 I charge thee, nor come nigh : sick stomachs a I 
 Concoct the choisest dainties into gall. 
 In shorty here is the off-spring of a braine 
 That never laboured yet, but with these twain 
 If thou affects the first borne, on : this other 
 Though not twin- born, is equal to his brother, 
 And who so marks, shal find Jie will not faile 
 Jest for his Jeere, Taunt ready for his Tale. 
 
 COLLEDGE 
 
COLLEDGE JESTS. 
 
 Lib. I. Part III. 
 
 A Tutor and his Scholler. 
 
 A YOUNG lad of a Colledge in 
 Oxford, when he should have beene 
 in the publicke Hall at disputations, a 
 little before the time, fell a sleepe, and 
 by that meanes failed of comming downe. 
 His Tutor being then Moderator, missed 
 him, and after exercise was done, went 
 up to his study ; where finding him a- 
 sleep, he waked him, chid him for sleep- 
 ing at that time of day, and angrily 
 
 A Tutor 
 and his 
 Scholler. 
 
 askt 
 
94 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 [Part III. 
 
 askt him why he was not at disputa- 
 tions. The youth after a little yawning 
 and stretching, replyed, Truely sir, / did 
 not dreame of it. 
 
 The Prin- 
 cipall of 
 an house. 
 
 The Principall of an house. 
 
 A PLEASANT fellow came to the 
 Principall of a House, and pre- 
 tending that he had received wrong by 
 some of the society, complained unto 
 him in this manner : Sir, sayd he, I have 
 beene abused by a company of Rascalls, 
 belonging to this house, and knowing you 
 to bee the Principally I thought good to 
 acquaint you, &c. 
 
 Of 
 
Colledge.~\ 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 95 
 
 Of a Doctors man. 
 
 A N old Doctor lying on his death-bed, 
 and willing to doe an antient ser- 
 vant of his what good hee could ; he 
 wished him to professe Physicke, and he 
 would leave him certaine prescriptions, 
 both to benefit his knowledge and estate. 
 Amongst others, this was the maine, that 
 when hee came to visite any Patient, hee 
 should observe curiously what bones hee 
 saw scattered about the roome ; if he 
 found any of Fish, then he should tell 
 him, he tooke a surfeit of such a kinde 
 of fish as he might guesse it by the 
 bones, and so likewise of Beefe, Veale, 
 Mutton, Capon, Rabbet, &c. and to judge 
 by the fragments, and reversions, which 
 were more certaine, than to presume 
 upon the disease by the sicke mans 
 
 Of a 
 
 Doctors 
 
 man. 
 
 water 
 
9 6 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part III 
 
 water, wherein he knew he was alto- 
 gether unpractised, and unskilfull. In 
 processe of time, so it fell out, that being 
 sent for by one that was sicke of an im- 
 postume, and the roome so cleane swept, 
 that he could finde no apparant signe in 
 the floore, by which he might conjecture 
 of any certaine disease ; at length pry- 
 ing very curiously, under his bed hee 
 spide a saddle. Whereupon hee came to 
 the sicke party, and seriously told him, 
 that he had now searcht into the nature 
 of the disease ; for by feeling of his pulse 
 he might well perceive, that he had 
 taken a great surfeit, by eating of a horse : 
 at which the Patient fell into such an 
 extreame laughter, that his Impostume 
 breaking, he was suddenly cured, and 
 the fellow grew thereby more famous. 
 
 Of 
 
Cot/edge.'] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 97 
 
 Of Peter Martyr. 
 
 /^vNE Peter Martyr a great Scholler, 
 and very famous in his time, had 
 beene a long suiter for a Bishopricke, 
 but was still crost in his suite : At last 
 foure Fryers Confessours were preferred 
 together to foure vacant Seas, and he not 
 remembred. Which hee hearing of, said, 
 Methinks amongst so many Confessours, 
 one Martyr would not have done amisse. 
 
 A young Master of Arts. 
 
 A YOUNG Master of Arts, the very 
 next day after the Commencement, 
 having his course to a common place in 
 the Chappell, where were divers that but 
 the day before had taken their degree, 
 chose his Text out of the eight Chapter 
 
 Of 
 
 Peter 
 Martyr. 
 
 A young 
 Master of 
 Arts. 
 
 N 
 
 Of 
 
9 8 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part III. 
 
 of Job ; the words were these, We are 
 but of yesterday \ and know nothing. This 
 Text, saith he, doth fitly divide it selfe 
 into two Branches ; our Standing, and 
 our Understanding : our Standing, in 
 these words, Wee are hit of Yesterday : 
 our Understanding, We know nothing. 
 
 Two 
 Schollers. 
 
 T 
 
 Two Schollers. 
 
 WO Schollers of the same Col- 
 ledge, the one called Paine, the 
 other Culpepper, were both in fault, but 
 Paine in the lesse. At last when the 
 offence came to be censured, it was no 
 lesse than expulsion from the Colledge. 
 But Culpepper, though the greater de- 
 linquent, finding more friends, had his 
 sentence taken off, and liberty to remaine 
 still in the house ; but the other suffered 
 
 for 
 
Colledge.'] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 99 
 
 for example. A little after, a Master of 
 Arts of another house comming to visite 
 a friend of his, that was of the Colledge 
 where this was done ; amongst other dis- 
 course, askt what became of the businesse 
 betwixt the two Schollers ; hee told him 
 in briefe, how Paine that was in the 
 least fault was punish' d, and Culpepper in 
 the greater pardoned : whereupon he in- 
 stantly replied, Nay, then I thinke Ovid 
 did Prophesie of this, when he said, 
 Poena perire potest, culpa perennis erit 
 
 Of a Scholler married, 
 
 A SCHOLLER that had married a 
 
 young wife, and was still at his 
 
 Booke, preferring his serious study before 
 
 dalliance with her. At length, as shee 
 
 was one day wantoning whilst he was 
 
 Of a 
 
 Scholler 
 married. 
 
 reading ; 
 
IOO 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part III. 
 
 reading ; Sir, saith shee, I could wish that 
 I had beene made a Booke, for then 
 you would still be poring upon me, and 
 I should never, night nor day be out of 
 your fingers. So would I (Sweet -heart) 
 answered he, so I might chuse what 
 booke. When she demanded of him 
 what booke he would wish her to be : 
 Marry good wife (saith he) an Alma- 
 nacke, for so / might have every yeare a 
 new one. 
 
 An Epitaph. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN having lost a deare 
 
 Epitaph. J-\ 
 
 friend of his, and willing to be- 
 stow some monument upon him after his 
 death, comes to a Scholler, desiring him 
 to make him an Epitaph for that pur- 
 pose ; he told him with all his heart, de- 
 
 manding 
 
Co Hedge.'] Moderne Jests. 101 
 
 manding what speciall vertues his friend 
 had when he lived, for which he might 
 commend him to posteritie. The Gentle- 
 man answered, he never took notice of 
 any particular vertues. He asked him 
 then, what noted vices he was guiltie of ? 
 He told him againe, not any that he knew, 
 but that he was a good morall man, and 
 more hee could not speake for him. The 
 third question was, how old hee was when 
 he departed his life : the Gentleman 
 answered, he was just sixtie yeares of 
 age. Whereupon the Scholler perceiving 
 he was noteable for nothing, writ this 
 Epitaph. 
 
 Here lyes a man was borne, and cry'd, 
 Told threescore years y fell sicke and dy'd. 
 
 One 
 
102 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part III. 
 
 One 
 
 created 
 Master of 
 Arts. 
 
 One created Master of Arts. 
 
 HTWO Gentlemen meeting, saith one 
 of 'em, would you beleeve that 
 such a man being late at Oxford, had the 
 courtesie done him to be made Master of 
 Arts ? that Dunce ? replied the other : 
 O yes without Question. 
 
 Of cough- 
 ing in 
 ones 
 
 Grave. 
 
 Of coughing in ones Grave. 
 
 A MASTER of Arts acting in a Tra- 
 gedy, his part was to be slain e 
 upon the stage : which was accordingly 
 personated, and he lay seemingly dead a 
 great while, before the time came that 
 hee should be taken away. At last a 
 passion tooke him, and forced him to 
 cough so loud, that the generall audi- 
 tory perceived it. Whereupon many of 
 
 them 
 
Colledge.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 103 
 
 them fell into a great laughter, but he 
 rising up excused it thus : You may see 
 what it is (Gentlemen) to drinke in ones 
 porridge, for he shall cough in his Grave. 
 
 Of the twelve Signes, 
 
 o 
 
 NE being desirous to know what j °f the 
 
 ! twelve 
 
 twelve severall Nations, nearest | Signes. 
 resemble the twelve moneths, having 
 their severall influences from them, was 
 by one that stood by, in Distichs, thus 
 answered. 
 
 1. Aquarius bids the Russian at home 
 
 tarry. 
 And use baths, furres, and fires in 
 January. 
 
 2. Piscis in February bids keepe warme, 
 Least haile, raine, snow, may doe the 
 
 Lapland harme. 
 
 3. March 
 
104 
 
 
 Merry Tales. [Part III. 
 
 
 3- 
 
 March of Mars Savours, Aries M* 
 Commander. 
 
 To him belongs the Warlik Nether- 
 lander. 
 
 
 4- 
 
 Aprill hath correspondence to the French ; 
 And Taurus tells us that he loves a 
 wench. 
 
 
 5. 
 
 In Gemini the Italian loves to play ; 
 And therefore hee is like the moneth of 
 May. 
 
 
 6. 
 
 The moneth of June is governed by the 
 
 Crab : 
 The Spaniard's hot, and he must have a 
 
 Drabbe. 
 
 
 7- 
 
 In July the bright Sunne in Virgo 
 
 swayes : 
 The parched Moores are tanned by his 
 
 rayes. 
 
 
 8. 
 
 Leo in August reignes : the Indian 
 then. 
 
 Though 
 
Colledge.] Moderne Jests. 105 
 
 Though naked, may be counted amojigst 
 
 
 men. 
 
 
 9. The English, the Goate invites (as I 
 
 
 remember}} 
 
 
 To challenge to himself e tlw moneth of 
 
 
 September. 
 
 
 10. The Scorpion ripens Harvest in Oc- 
 
 
 tober. 
 
 
 The Germaine claimes that moneth. 
 
 
 though seldome sober. 
 
 
 11. The Austrian, who his sleepe doth never 
 
 
 vary, 
 
 
 November claimes sway'd by the Sagit- 
 
 
 tary. 
 
 
 12. Vpon th* Hungarian Aquarius powers, 
 
 
 Many full pots fiWd by Decembers 
 
 
 showers. 
 
 
 A 
 
io6 
 
 Witty Jeeves, 
 
 [Part III. 
 
 A Gentleman and a Parson. 
 
 A Gentle- 
 man and 
 a Parson. 
 
 POME pleasant Gentlemen riding by 
 the High-way, espyed a Countrey 
 Parson before them. Sayes one of them, 
 yonder is a Scholler, let us mend our pace, 
 and you shall heare me pose him with a 
 question. They did so, and after a sleight 
 salutation ; Master parson, saith he, I pray 
 you can you resolve me what part of 
 speech is Qui mihi decipulus f Yes sir, I 
 can, replies the Parson ; Puer es, cupis at- 
 que doceri. The words are so familiar, 
 they neede no Interpreter. 
 
 Of Bishop Gardiner. 
 
 Of Bishop 
 Gardiner. 
 
 TITHEN Bishop Gardiner was de- 
 posed by King Edward, and 
 sent to the Tower, a fellow meeting him 
 
 by 
 
Co Hedge ?[ 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 107 
 
 by the way, in great derision saluted him 
 with a low congee, saying, good morrow 
 Bishop Olim. O Gramercie Knave Sem- 
 per, replyed the Bishop, and so they 
 past. 
 
 Playing with Words. 
 
 A 
 
 DIVINE willing to play more with Playing 
 
 . with 
 
 words than to be serious in the ! Words. 
 
 expounding of his Text, made his wit 
 runne descant in this manner. This 
 Diall, saith he, shewes wee must die 
 all ; yet notwithstanding, all houses are 
 turned into Alehouses ; our eares are 
 converted into cates ; our Paradice into 
 a pare of Dice ; our Marriage to a 
 Merry age ; our Matrimony, to a matter 
 of money ; It was not so in the dayes 
 of Noah, ah no, &c. 
 
io8 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 \P art III. 
 
 A Witty 
 
 Answer. 
 
 Of a 
 
 Transla- 
 tor. 
 
 A 
 
 A Witty Answer. 
 
 POORE Servitor that waited at the 
 table in a Colledge Hall, snatched 
 one of his Masters commons from his 
 trencher, and eate it : for which being 
 complain'd of to the Head of the House, 
 and demanded why he did so ; he made 
 answer, Opus & Usus, auferendi casus 
 exigunt ; that being a rule in Grammer. 
 
 Of a Translator. 
 
 /^~\NE that had translated many vo- 
 lumes, at length publishing the 
 History of Suitonius Tranquillus in Eng- 
 lish, a pleasant Gentleman writ this Dis- 
 ticke. 
 
 Philemon with Translations doth so fill us. 
 He will not let Suetonius be Tranquillus. 
 
Colledge.~\ 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 109 
 
 A Scholler and a Townsman, 
 
 A CERTAINE fellow with a Pitch- 
 forke in his hand, was measuring 
 a Townsman and a Scholler, setting them 
 first backe to backe, and then after con- 
 sidering them brow to brow : at length 
 being ask'd which of them was highest ; 
 I finde, saith hee, the Scholler to be 
 higher than the Townsman, by thus much, 
 pointing to the tines of his prong. 
 
 A Traveller drowned. 
 
 XT THEN a Gentleman heard that a 
 Travellour, a friend of his, was 
 drowned, hee fetcht a great sigh and said, 
 Now God rest his soule, for he is gone 
 the way of all flesh ; Nay, saith another 
 then standing by, if he be drowned, he 
 is rather gone the way of all Fish. 
 
 A Scholler 
 and a 
 Towns- 
 man. 
 
 A Tra- 
 veller 
 drowned. 
 
no 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part III. 
 
 A Doctors 
 Answer. 
 
 A Doctors Answer. 
 
 A WORTHY Doctor, amongst many 
 other charitable deeds, made a faire 
 causey at his owne charge, to the great 
 benefit of the Country : and being there 
 one day in person, and to visite the la- 
 bourers, it hapned that a Noble man rid 
 that way, and knowing him, gave him a 
 kinde salutation : but withall, thinking to 
 break e a Jest upon him ; Mr. Doctor, 
 saith he, for all your charges and paines, 
 I beleeve not, that this is the high way 
 to heaven. I am of your minde in that 
 (my Lord) replied the Doctor, for if it 
 were, / should have wondred to have met 
 your Lordship here. 
 
 Of 
 
Co I ledge.'] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 in 
 
 Of a Doctor of Physick, and a 
 Servingman. 
 
 /^VNE thinking to put a tricke upon 
 an excellent Doctor of Physicke, 
 had mingled the powder of a bricke-bat 
 with his water in his Vrinall, which set- 
 ling to the bottome, shewes just like red 
 gravell that comes from the Kidneyes. 
 This done, hee shew'd it to the Doctor, 
 and told him it was his Masters water, 
 who lay in grievous paine, desiring his 
 worships counsell, what would give him 
 ease. The Doctor chafed up and downe, 
 and tried it by the fire, and in conclusion 
 found out the fellowes knavery. Where- 
 upon, cunningly closing with him, friend 
 (saith he) wouldst thou have my advice 
 to prevent this terrible disease, growing 
 
 Of a 
 
 Doctor of 
 Physick, 
 and a 
 Serving- 
 man. 
 
 on 
 
112 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part III. 
 
 A Doctor 
 and a 
 Scholler. 
 
 on thy Master ? Yes sir, replyed the 
 fellow, that was the cause of my com- 
 ming to your worship. Then tell him, 
 all that I can prescribe at this time, is, 
 That he eate no more brick-bats : at which 
 word he broke the Urinall upon his pate, 
 and so left him. 
 
 A Doctor and a Scholler. 
 
 A N Vniversitie Doctor, hearing a fel- 
 low Commoner speake louder at 
 dinner than the rest, bad a Servitor that 
 waited goe to him, and tell him Vir sapit, 
 qui pauca loquitur ; which being de- 
 livered him, commend me, saith he, to 
 Mr. Doctor, and tell him againe, Vir 
 loquitur, qui pauca sapit. 
 
 An 
 
Co I ledge. 1 Moderne Jests. 113 
 
 An Eftigrame. 
 
 
 l/TON one that had an exceeding An E P l - 
 
 \l grame. 
 
 long nose, and great gag'd teeth, 
 
 standing some distance one from ano- 
 
 
 ther ; Sir T. More made this Epigram. 
 
 
 Si tuus in solem statnatnr nasus hiante, 
 
 
 Ore, bene ostendes dentibus hora quota est. 
 
 
 Thus Englished. 
 
 
 Gape 'gainst the Sunne, and by thy teeth 
 
 
 and nose, 
 
 
 Tis easie to perceive how the day goes. 
 
 
 A moderate Drinker. 
 
 
 A GENTLE man of a very temperate \ A mode ~ 
 
 J-\ ! rate 
 
 dyet, sitting at table where there \ Drinker. 
 
 was great plenty of wine, drunke very 
 
 
 sparingly ; which being observed by an- 
 
 
 other that sate over against him ; Sir, 
 
 
 P saith 
 
 
 
ii4 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 \_P art III. 
 
 A Boyes 
 answer to 
 Queene 
 Elizabeth. 
 
 saith he, if none in the world would 
 drinke more than you, wine would be 
 cheape. Nay rather (replied the other) 
 if all men did drinke as I doe, it would 
 make wine very deare ; for I drinke as 
 much as I can. 
 
 A Boyes answer to Queene 
 Elizabeth. 
 
 QVEENE Elizabeth comming to the 
 Free - Schoole, which shee had 
 erected in Westminster ; pleasantly asked 
 a Boy, how often he had beene whipt : 
 the Boy answered her with that Verse 
 out of Virgil, 
 
 Infandum Regina jubes renovere dolor em. 
 She liking his answer, for it was sud- 
 daine, and apposite, gave him some 
 money, which he receiving, said, 
 
 Quis, 
 
Colledge.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 ii5 
 
 Quis, nisi mentis inops, oblatum respuit 
 anrum f 
 As the same Poet hath it in another 
 place. The Queene was much taken 
 with his wit, and a little after, as soone 
 as he was capable, tooke occasion to 
 preferre him. 
 
 Bellarmine confuted. 
 
 A MINISTER was very envious 
 against Bellarmine, and used to 
 buffet him in the Pulpit, still when he 
 found him crosse to his opinion, saying ; 
 Ha Bellarmine, Art thou there with thy 
 Beares ? I will be with my Dogs anon, 
 and baite thee. But Tie confute thee in 
 one word, Bellarmine thou lyest ; and sure 
 it is great pitty, that such a fellow as 
 tliou art should have so much learning. 
 
 Bellar- 
 mine 
 confuted. 
 
 Of 
 
u6 
 
 Merry Tales. \Part II L 
 
 
 Of the Word Ominous. 
 
 Of the 
 Word 
 Ominous. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN (no great Clarke 
 you may imagine) hearing the 
 
 
 word Ominous twice or thrice iterated, 
 
 
 demanded of one that sate by, what the 
 
 
 true Etimologie and signification of the 
 
 
 word was. I will tell you sir, replied the 
 
 
 other: An Oxford Scholler, a hard Stu- 
 
 
 dent, sitting up late one night, his Candle 
 
 
 went out, insomuch as he was forced to 
 
 
 goe downe in the darke to light it, but 
 
 
 by the way, hitting his nose against the 
 
 
 post, he cryed out, my nose : and so the 
 
 
 word came first in use. 
 s 
 
 An 
 
Colledge^] Moderne Jests. 
 
 117 
 
 An Epitaph on Mr, Kitching, 
 
 
 TT ERE lyes in the faire flower of his 
 
 youth, 
 Once his friends joy, and now his parents 
 
 An Epi- 
 taph on 
 Mr. 
 Kitching. 
 
 ruth. 
 
 
 Since Kitching was his name, as I have 
 
 
 found, 
 
 
 I see Death keepes his Kitching under 
 
 
 ground : 
 
 
 And the poore Wormes that flesh of late 
 
 
 did eate, 
 
 
 Devoure their Kitching now for want of 
 
 
 meate. 
 
 
 Such was his end, and Reader it must 
 
 
 be, 
 
 
 As well thy mine, as the end of me. 
 
 
 Of 
 
Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part III, 
 
 Of a 
 
 Doctor of 
 Physicke 
 that lay 
 sicke. 
 
 Of a Doctor of Physicke that 
 lay sicke. 
 
 A DOCTOR of Physicke, unmarried, 
 was so extremely sick of an im- 
 postume, that all the Colledge had given 
 him over. His men seeing how the case 
 stood with their Master, every one began 
 to rifle the Chamber, and lay hands 
 upon what they could spie, not leaving 
 him so much as the cloathes he was 
 wont to weare : which an Ape, he had 
 then, observing, thought hee would do as 
 the rest did, and searching about, could 
 finde nothing save his Doctors Cap, 
 which hee put upon his owne head, and 
 in that posture came and sate downe by 
 the bed-side : the sicke man seeing him, 
 fell into so violent a laughter, that his 
 
 Impostume 
 
Colledge^\ 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 119 
 
 Impostume broke, and he by that meanes 
 was recovered. 
 
 Of Women. 
 
 f~\ N E that in all his discourse in- 
 veighed against women, was there- 
 fore sharpely reproved by some Gentle- 
 men. Amongst the rest, one of them askt 
 him, why hee was so virulent against 
 them, whereas many learned men had 
 filled volumes with their praises. I, I, 
 saith hee, those learned men writ what 
 women ought to be, but I tell you what 
 they are. 
 
 of 
 
 Women. 
 
 An 
 
120 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part III. 
 
 An 
 Epitaph. 
 
 An Epitaph. 
 
 f~\ DE US omnipotens vituli miserere 
 
 Johannis, 
 Quern mors prceveniens non sinit esse 
 bovem. 
 The same Paraphrased. 
 Heaven of his soule take charge, who of 
 
 His time did live but halfe, 
 Who might have growne to be an 0xe y 
 But dyd {you see) a Calfe. 
 
 A young 
 
 Schollers 
 
 devise. 
 
 A young Schollers devise. 
 
 A YOUNG Academian having runne 
 himselfe into deepe Arrerages, and 
 knowing his father to be close fisted, 
 could not tell which way to fetch over 
 the old man for money. At last, having 
 cast many projects in his head, and find- 
 
 ing 
 
Co Hedge.'] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 21 
 
 ing that none of them would take, he 
 wrote in conclusion a lamentable letter 
 to his father, to certifie him that he was 
 dead, and earnestly desired him, to send 
 him up money to defray the charges of his 
 buriall. 
 
 A Colledge-Cooke, and a young 
 Scholler. 
 
 np H E Master Cooke of a Colledge 
 serving up dinner, gave a Neates 
 tongue to a Scholler to carry to the 
 table : the Scholler not having full hold 
 of it let it fall, so that it was not fit for 
 service ; whereat the Cook was angry 
 and gave him some unseemely language : 
 but the Scholler replyed, I prithee, Cooke, 
 fret not thy selfe, it was but Lapsus 
 linguce. 
 
 A Col- 
 ledge- 
 Cooke, and 
 a young 
 Scholler. 
 
122 
 
 Witty Jeeves. {Part III. 
 
 
 A Physiognomer. 
 
 A Physi- 
 
 /^~\NE that was a great Practisioner 
 of Physiognomie, reading late at 
 
 ognomer. 
 
 
 night, hapned upon a place which sayd 
 
 
 hayrie men for the most part are dull, 
 
 
 and a thicke long beard betokened a 
 
 
 foole. He tooke downe his looking- 
 
 
 glasse in one hand, and held the candle 
 
 
 in the other to observe the growth and 
 
 
 fashion of his owne ; holding it so long, 
 
 
 till at length by accident he fired it : 
 
 
 whereupon he wrote on the Margent (as 
 
 
 well hee might) Probatum est. 
 
 
 Upon the burning of a Schoole. 
 
 Upon the 
 burning 
 of a 
 
 Schoole. 
 
 i. 
 
 TJZHA T heate of learning kindled your 
 
 desire, 
 ( Ye Muses sonnes) to set your house on fire? 
 
 What 
 
Colledge.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 123 
 
 What love of learning in your brests did 
 burne, 
 
 Those sparkes of vertue into flames to 
 turne ? 
 
 Or was't some higher cause ? were the hot 
 Gods, 
 
 Venus and Vulcan {old friends) now at 
 odds ? 
 
 If that be so, then never let the Dolt 
 
 Be prais'd for making Armes, or thunder- 
 bolt. 
 
 Let Poets pennes paint onely his disgrace, 
 
 His clubby foote, horrid brow, and sooty 
 face. 
 
 What ere was cause, sure ill was the event 
 Which justly all the Muses may lament. 
 But above all (for names sake) Poly- 
 phymny 
 
 Beivayle 
 
124 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 IP art III. 
 
 Bewayle the downefall of the learned 
 
 chimney. 
 There might you see, where without speech 
 
 or sence, 
 Lay the sad ashes of an Accidence. 
 What number then of Nounes to wracke 
 
 did goe ? 
 As Domus, Liber, and a great sort moe. 
 A wofull case ! No Case the flame did 
 
 spare : 
 Each Gender in this losse had common 
 
 share. 
 
 There might you see the ruefull Declina- 
 tions, 
 
 The fifteene Pronouns, and foure Conjuga- 
 tions. 
 
 Some Gerunds Di, and Do were over- 
 come. 
 
 TV 
 
Colledge.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 125 
 
 TJi other with heate and smoake was 
 
 quite strucke Dum. 
 Supines lay gasping upwards voyde of 
 
 Sences : 
 The Moodes grew mad to see imperfect 
 
 Tenses. 
 Adverbs of place were throwne downe 
 
 lofty stories, 
 As Ubi, Ibi, illic, intus, foris. 
 Conjunctions so disjoyrid, as yotc would 
 
 wonder 
 No coupling there, but it was burnt 
 
 asunder. 
 
 4- 
 The Praepositions knew not where to be : 
 Each Interjection cry'd, Jiei ! woe is 
 
 me. 
 For the due joyning of which words 
 
126 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part III. 
 
 Cold 
 Weather. 
 
 A Neighbour calVd qui mihi come a- 
 
 maine : 
 Else sure the fire had into flames them 
 
 turrid : 
 Now 'gan the flames the Heteroclites to 
 
 cumber, 
 And poore Supellex lost his Plurall 
 
 Number ; 
 Of Verbes there had beene left scarce one 
 
 in twenty. 
 Had there not, come by chance 
 
 As in praesenti. 
 
 Cold Weather. 
 
 /^\ N E blowing the fire in Winter 
 ^^^ time, by chance the snout of the 
 bellowes dropped off, which he finding, 
 sayd, the weather is very cold, for the 
 bellowes nose dropt. 
 
 Lawyers 
 
Colledge.~] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 127 
 
 Lawyers and Souldiers. 
 
 TF Lawyers had for tearnie, a tearme of 
 
 warre, 
 Souldiers would be as rich as Lawyers 
 
 are. 
 But here's the difference betiveene gunnes 
 
 and gownes. 
 These take good angels, tti other take 
 
 crackt crowttes. 
 
 A Metamorphosis of fooles. 
 
 /^~\NE sayd Vaine-glorious fooles were 
 turned into Asses, gluttonous fooles 
 into Swine, pleasant fooles into Apes, 
 proud fooles into Peacockes, and fantas- 
 tique fooles into Butter-Ayes. 
 
 Lawyers 
 
 and 
 
 Souldiers. 
 
 A Meta- 
 morphosis 
 of fooles. 
 
 Plato s 
 
128 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 IP art III. 
 
 Plato's 
 yeare. 
 
 Plato's yeare. 
 
 r | "WO Schollers lay so long at an 
 Inne, that they had not only 
 spent all their money, but also runne in 
 dept : wherefore to quit themselves, they 
 told their Host of Platoes great yeare, 
 and how that time sixe and thirty thou- 
 sand yeares, the world should bee againe 
 as it now was, and they should be in 
 the same Inne and chamber againe ; de- 
 siring with all that he would trust them 
 till then. I (replyed my Host) I beleeve 
 its true, that you will bee here sixe and 
 thirtie thousand yeares hence, and with- 
 out money too, just as you now are : 
 therefore (by your leaves) / will see the 
 house discharged, ere I let you goe. 
 
Colledge.'] Modeme Jests. 129 
 
 A Souldier begging of a 
 
 
 Scholler. 
 
 
 A SOULDIER begging by chance of 
 
 a poore Scholler, the Scholler 
 
 asked him by what authority he went 
 
 A 
 
 Souldier 
 begging 
 of a 
 Scholler. 
 
 so a begging. Sir, sayd the Souldier, I 
 
 
 have a license ; the Scholler replyed 
 
 
 againe, Well thou mayst have lice, but 
 
 
 sence thou hast none, to beg of a poore 
 
 
 Scholler. 
 
 
 A pretty passage. 
 
 
 A T my writing of these same, being 
 by chance in my study after sup- 
 
 A pretty 
 passage. 
 
 per, my candle went out, insomuch that 
 
 
 I was faine to call one that waited on 
 
 
 me, to light it againe. He came, tooke 
 
 
 R it 
 
130 Witty Jeeves. {Part III 
 
 it with him, and holding by the candle 
 onely (which it seems strucke pretty fast 
 in the sticke) after hee had lighted it, he 
 lost the Candlesticke by the way ; and 
 albeit was a heavie Pewter one, never 
 mist it, till he came to set it downe. I 
 asked him for my Candlesticke, hee 
 star'd upon me awhile, and swore he had 
 lost it : But by your good leave sir, sayd 
 he, I will drinke first, (as I had then a 
 tanckard of some Beere by me) and then 
 He finde it. He did so, I laught heartily 
 at the passage, and presently, whilst it 
 tickled my fancie, inserted it here for a 
 Memorandum. 
 
Colledge.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 I3i 
 
 A Funerall Sermon, 
 
 A DIVINE, Preaching a funerall Ser- 
 mon for one that had lived and 
 dyed badly, sayd to his Neighbours : 
 how he lived yon know. How he dyed I 
 know. And zvhere he is God knoives. Thus 
 much by way of Praeface, now to my 
 Text. 
 
 Two Schollers and a Miller. 
 
 r I A WO Schollers merrily disposed, see- 
 ing a Miller ride before 'em on 
 the high way, spurred up their Hack- 
 neyes to overtake him, with a purpose to 
 Jeere him : and when they came at him, 
 sayd one of them, God speed (Miller!) 
 whether art thou (if a man may aske) 
 more foole or knave ? the Miller (riding 
 
 A 
 
 Fimerall 
 
 Sermon. 
 
 Two 
 
 Schollers 
 and a 
 Miller. 
 
 betwixt 
 
132 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 \_P art III. 
 
 betwixt both) answered, Truely Gentle- 
 men I am betweene both. 
 
 A conceite 
 of a 
 Woman. 
 
 A conceite of a Woman. 
 
 A WOMAN is a booke, and often 
 
 found, 
 To prove far better in the sheets, than 
 
 bound : 
 No marvaile then, why men take such 
 
 delight 
 Above all things, to study in the 
 
 night. 
 
 A Jest 
 upon a 
 Goose. 
 
 A Jest upon a Goose. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN called Mr. Eaton, 
 
 being a good house keeper, and a 
 
 very pleasant man at Table, upon a 
 
 time admitted a plaine Scholler amongst 
 
 other 
 
Colledge."] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 133 
 
 other guests ; who fell close to those 
 dishes that stood before him, without of- 
 fering any discourse at all. The Master 
 of the house (supposing there was no 
 more in him, than he outwardly made 
 shew of) thought to put a trick upon 
 him ; and when a fat goose was brought 
 to the table, he carved liberally to every 
 one, saving him. At length (as if he 
 before forgot him) he took a peece, & 
 offering to lay it upon his trencher, sayd, 
 A nd will you eate any ? Goose. Which 
 the Scholler observing sayd nothing for 
 the present : but when the Table was 
 cleared, saith hee to the Master of the 
 house, Sir I thank you for my good 
 cheare, the Goose is Eaton, to which he 
 gave such an accent that the other ap- 
 prehending it, sayd, and how meant you 
 that ? even as I spake replyed the 
 
 Scholler 
 
134 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part III 
 
 Scholler : the Goose is Eaton, or Eaton 
 is the Goose: all is but one. 
 
 Of early 
 rising. 
 
 Of early rising. 
 
 QOME Schollers having agreed to rise 
 early next morning, and to goe a 
 coursing, one of them overslept himselfe, 
 and loving his bed well, scarce got up 
 by dinner time, the other neverthelesse 
 went accordingly as they had purposed 
 over night, and sped so well, that by 
 evening they were marching home with a 
 lease of Hares : about which time, this 
 Lazer walking that way meetes them, 
 congratulates their good successe, and 
 returnes backe with them. But they 
 taxe him for breaking his word, and 
 aske him if he did not promise to goe 
 along. I, I confesse it, saith he, I did 
 
 promise 
 
Colledge.~\ 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 135 
 
 promise you to rise, but the truth is, / 
 did lye. 
 
 A Major of Oxford. 
 
 A MAJOR of Oxford having fallen 
 out with the President and fel- 
 lowes of Mawdlin Colledge, soone after 
 it, fell into a deepe melancholy ; and his 
 wife earnestly pressing to know the cause 
 of his discontent : O (saith he) let me 
 alone : I have a tricke in my head will 
 undoe Mawdlin Colledge : his wife in- 
 treating him to tell what it might be : 
 Quoth he, if I could but prove that 
 Henry the eight were before Henry the 
 seventh, I would tricke them ifaith. 
 
 A Major 
 of Oxford. 
 
 of 
 
136 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 \P art III. 
 
 Of M. Coales, and M. Billet. 
 
 Of 
 
 M. Coales, 
 
 and 
 
 M. Billet. 
 
 A YOUNG Scholler comming to see 
 a fresh fire, and perceiving none 
 to be admitted but Masters of Arts, calls 
 to the Porter, and tells him that hee was 
 a kinsman of the Presidents ; whom when 
 the Porter had let in, hee carries him 
 to his Master, and tells him that that 
 Gentleman desired entrance as his kins- 
 man. When the President demanded 
 how he came to bee so, he answered, hee 
 knew not by what meanes, But that his 
 name was billet and his worships Coales. 
 Upon which pleasant answere the Presi- 
 dent dismist him. 
 
Colledge^\ 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 137 
 
 A Priest 
 and a 
 Patron. 
 
 A Priest and a Patron, 
 
 A BENEFICE being voyd, one 
 neither of extraordinary learning, 
 nor most commendable life came to the 
 Patron, and intreated him to bestow the 
 advowson upon him, who being acquaint- 
 ed with his insufficiencie, denyed him in 
 these words, if I had an hundred bene- 
 fices in my gift, I protest I would not 
 conferre one of them upon thee. The 
 Priest did presently reply, if I had a 
 hundred sermons to make, onely you in 
 my prayers should be unremembred. 
 
 Of a Scholler and his Sweet- 
 heart. 
 
 A YOUNG Scholler lighting upon a Of a 
 
 j Scholler 
 
 handsome wench, had agreed with and his 
 
 J Sweet- 
 er to carry her into the Colledge, for heart. 
 
 which 
 
138 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part III. 
 
 which purpose he had provided a large 
 basket, wherein he put her, and covered 
 her with rootes, Lettice, and such like 
 commodities, and so carried it in upon 
 his shoulders, as though he brought 
 some provision for the house. But by 
 the way, the bottome of the basket 
 fayled, and the wenches legs did hang 
 downe, and were visible as high as the 
 garter. One meeting him asked him 
 what burden he was carrying to the 
 Colledge, who answered rootes and 
 hearbes for sallets. And I commend 
 thee quoth the other that thou hast the 
 wit to provide such good flesh for thy 
 sallets. 
 
 Of 
 
Colledge.~] 
 
 Pleasant Tamits. 
 
 139 
 
 Of one that came to take 
 Orders. 
 
 o 
 
 N E comming before one of the , Of one 
 
 i that ca?ne 
 
 Bishops Chaplaines to be exa- 
 mined, before he entred into orders : 
 being a dunce, and knowing his owne 
 insufficiencie : tooke a Scholler, his friend, 
 along with him, to stand at his elbow and 
 prompt him ; The sentence proposed unto 
 him by the examiner, was : Quid levins 
 fumo ? id est. What is lighter than 
 smoake ? and asking him what quid signi- 
 fied ? what, saith the prompter : what f 
 saith he, in a cleane contrary accent : He 
 askt him next what Levis was : The 
 prompter whispered in his eare, More 
 light, more light, saith he, as if he had 
 call'd for Candles, or to have had the 
 
 to take 
 Orders. 
 
 Casements 
 
140 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part III. 
 
 Casements set open : He askt him then 
 the interpretation of fumo : then smoake, 
 saith the prompter, than a S7nocke, saith 
 the dunce : at which the Chaplaine smiled, 
 and thinking hee had answered rather 
 wittily, than ignorantly, admitted him. 
 
 On small Beere. 
 
 On small 
 Beere. 
 
 A 
 
 CITIZEN at his owne house, drink- 
 ing to a Gentleman in a cup of 
 sixe-shillings Beere ; presented the bowle 
 to him with these words : Sir I will 
 assure you, though it be small, yet it 
 is fresh. The Gentleman when he had 
 tasted it, made answere ; you say right 
 indeede sir, it is as fresh as if it had 
 laine all night in water. 
 
 An 
 
Colledge.~\ 
 
 Modeme Jests. 
 
 141 
 
 An Old Latine verse, made 
 witty use of. 
 
 r 1 ^HERE is an Hexameter in Virgill, 
 
 Quis, nisi mentis inops, oblatum 
 
 respuat aurum ? 
 
 Now two Schollers drinking a cup of 
 
 beere to their mornings draught, one of 
 
 them, tooke the pot in his hand and 
 
 sayd, Domine prcebibo tibi totum poculnm. 
 
 The other instantly replyed, Quis, nisi 
 
 mentis inops oblatum respuit ollum ?' 
 
 Of the Masse. 
 
 QOME Cambridge Schollers reasoning 
 
 together, one of them would have 
 
 the word Masse never once named, but 
 
 to be abandoned quite, and in time for- 
 
 An Old 
 
 Latine 
 
 verse, 
 
 made 
 
 witty tise 
 
 of. 
 
 Ofthe 
 
 Masse. 
 
 gotten. 
 
142 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 IP art III. 
 
 gotten. Wherefore in steed of Michael- 
 masse, Christmas, &c. hee would have it 
 sayd, Michael-tide, Christ-tide, Candle-tide, 
 and so of the rest. This one in the 
 Company would by no meanes approve 
 of : for, saith he, my name is Thomas, 
 so is many an honest mans more ; and 
 why, for what reason, should we be 
 called Tom-tides ? 
 
 Of three 
 Cam- 
 bridge 
 Schollers. 
 
 Of three Cambridge Schollers. 
 
 r 1 "WO Gentlemen Schollers, that were 
 brothers, and their name Buck 
 having (when Buckes were in season) 
 two Venison Pasties to supper ; by 
 chance came in one Mr. Cooke, sate 
 downe, and was bid welcome : who 
 observing their cheere, and thinking to 
 play upon the Gentlemen, sayd, here is 
 
 Buck, 
 
Colledge.~\ 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 43 
 
 Buck, Buck, Buck, and Buck. True, re- 
 ply ed one of the brothers, and Buck and 
 Buck is good meate, but I pray you re- 
 member the Proverbe, the other asked 
 him what Proverbe : Marry (saith he) 
 God sends meate, and the Devill sends 
 Cookes. 
 
 A simple fellow es Answere. 
 
 A PLAIN E simple fellow that had 
 for many yeares together belonged 
 to a Colledge, and done the Drudgery 
 worke of the house, was by chance in 
 the Quadrangle, when one that was for- 
 merly of the foundation, but had long 
 discontinued, came in well attended, to 
 give the Master and fellowes a visit. 
 This Gentleman knowing him, called him 
 by his name, and asked him if he had 
 
 A simple 
 fellowes 
 Answere. 
 
 ever 
 
144 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part III. 
 
 A 
 
 Scholler 
 and a 
 Dyer. 
 
 ever seene him before. The Groome 
 looking well upon him, and remembring 
 his countenance, made answere, O yes, 
 (if it like your worship) I knew you 
 from your first comming to the Colledge, 
 when you were a very scurvie Boy. 
 
 A Scholler and a Dyer. 
 
 A N University Dyer, a very [bad 
 Husband, complained to a Schol- 
 ler that he had ill successe in his trade, 
 and that his colours did not prove well. 
 The Scholler told him, the onely way to 
 helpe that, was to amend his life : for it 
 was not possible he which lived ill could 
 dye well. 
 
 Vp07l 
 
Co Hedge.'] 
 
 Modeme Jests. 
 
 H5 
 
 Vpon old Hobson the Carrier 
 of Cambridge. 
 
 JLJERE Hobson lyes, who did most vpon old 
 
 JL JL Hobson 
 
 tritely prove the Carrier 
 
 ; of Cam- 
 That he could never dye, whilst he did bridge. 
 
 move : 
 So sung his destinie, never to rot, 
 Whilst he might still jog on, and keepe 
 
 his trot. 
 Made of spheares mettall, never to decay, 
 Vntill his resolution was at stay. 
 Time numbers motion, yet without all ] 
 
 crime 
 'Gainst truth, 'twas motion numbred out 
 
 his time: 
 And like some engine moov'd with wheele 
 
 and weight, 
 
 His 
 
146 Witty Jeeves. [Part III. 
 
 His principles being seasd, he ended 
 
 straight 
 Rest, that gives all us life } gave him his 
 
 death y 
 And too much breathing put him out of 
 
 breath : 
 Nor were it contradiction to affirme, 
 Too long vacation hastned on his Terme. 
 Ease was his chief e disease, and to judge 
 
 right 
 He dy'd for heavinesses that his Carts 
 
 were light. 
 His leasure told him that his time was 
 
 come. 
 And lack of load made his life burden- 
 some. 
 For had his doings lasted as they were y 
 He had beene an immor tall carrier. 
 Obedient to the Moone he spent his date y 
 In course reciprocall; and had his fate 
 
 Linckt 
 
Co I ledge. 1 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 H7 
 
 Linckt to the mutuall flowing of the seas : 
 Yet (strange to thinke) his waine was his 
 
 disease. 
 
 His letters are delivered all, and gone ; 
 Onely remaines this superscription. 
 
 Hobsons Epitaph. 
 
 JLTERE Hobson lyes amongst his many Hobsons 
 
 1 1 Epitaph. 
 
 debterSy 
 A man unlearned, yet of many letters : 
 The Schollers well can testifie as much. 
 That have received them from his preg- 
 nant pouch. 
 His carriage was well knowne oft f have 
 
 In Embassie y twixt father and the Sonne. 
 In Cambridge few (in good time be it 
 
 spoken) 
 But well remembreth him by some good 
 
 token. 
 
 From 
 
148 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 \_P art III. 
 
 From thence to London rode he day by 
 day, 
 
 Till death benighted him, he lost his way. 
 
 No wonder is it y that he thus is gone, 
 
 Since most men knew he long was draw- 
 ing on. 
 j His Teame was of the best, nor could he 
 have 
 
 Bin mir'd in any ground, but in his 
 grave : 
 
 And there he stickes indeede, still at a 
 stand, 
 I Vntill some Angell lende a helping hand. 
 
 So rest in peace thou ever -toy ling swaine, 
 
 And supreame Waggoner, next to Charls- 
 waine. 
 
 The end of the first Book. 
 
BANQVET 
 
 OF 
 
 COVNTREY 
 
 AND 
 
 CITIE IESTS. 
 Lib. 2. Part 4. 
 
 Experire, ne ride, 
 fed ride tamen. 
 
 LONDON, 
 
 Printed for Richard Royfton, and 
 
 are to be fold at his Shoppe 
 
 in Ivie-Lane at the figne 
 
 of the Angell 1 640. 
 
To the Reader 
 
 as he deserves. 
 READER, 
 
 T PRESENT thee here with a booke, I dare not 
 say with thy perusal, although the Authour 
 spent many dayes in devising, and I some in revis- 
 ing it : Yet at my first undertaking of the paines, 
 I was not so senselesse, to attempt what I thought 
 would not please ; but since, considering thou mayst 
 be froward, thou mayst be curious, thou mayst be 
 blockish, {for such there are, and some such we 
 must expect ',) considering I say, the divers and 
 choyse pallats every publike feast must entertaine, 
 and withall, the homelinesse of ours, I altogether 
 despaired of giving fidl satisfaction. Notwith- 
 
 standing, 
 
152 To the Reader. 
 
 standing, concerning this new impression, thus 
 much I can tell tltee, there are some things super- 
 stuous blurred out, and some things not unapposite 
 (I thinke) are added. If thou canst not love, ob- 
 taine so much command over thy selfe, and pas- 
 sions, as not to contemne ; and I shall re7naine, 
 
 Thine 
 
 Anonymos, 
 
 CITIE 
 
CITIE JESTS, 
 
 Lib. II. Part IV. 
 
 A Counsellour and his Client. 
 
 /^ANE making a long and tedious 
 speech to a grave Counsellour, in 
 the conclusion thereof, made an Appol- 
 logie to excuse himselfe, for being so 
 troublesome. Troublesome ? replied the 
 Counsellour, I can assure you, no sir; 
 you have not beene troublesome to me 
 at all : for all the while you were speak- 
 ing, my minde was of another matter. 
 
 A Coun- 
 sellour 
 and his 
 Client. 
 
 Of 
 
154 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 Of a 
 
 Countrey 
 
 man. 
 
 Of a Countrey man. 
 
 A SIMPLE Countrey man having 
 Terme-businesse in London y and 
 being somewhat late abroad in the night, 
 was stay'd by a Constable, and some- 
 what harshly entreated : the poore man 
 observing how imperiously he command- 
 ed him, demanded of him what he was, 
 he told him he was a Constable, and 
 that was his Watch. And I pray you 
 sir, for whom watch you ? (saith the 
 man) marry, answered the Constable, I 
 watch for the King. For the King ? re- 
 plies hee againe simply : then I beseech 
 you Sir, that I might passe quietly and 
 peaceably by you to my lodging : for I 
 can bring you a certificate from some of 
 my neighbours, who are now in towne, 
 that I am no such man. 
 
Ci tie.] 
 
 Pleasant Tatmts. 
 
 155 
 
 A Gentleman and a Barbar. 
 
 A 
 
 BARBAR comming finically about A Gentle- 
 man and 
 a gentleman, was (as the most of 
 
 them are) terrible full of talke : at length 
 he found the leasure to aske if he would 
 be trimm'd. Marry my friend (replied 
 the Gentleman) if thou canst possibly, 
 doe it in silence. 
 
 A Papist and a Puritan. 
 
 A PAPIST and a Puritan being next 
 neighbours, and travelling by the 
 high-way, where stood a woodden Crosse; 
 the Papist put off his hat, and so past 
 by : at which his neighbour onely smiled 
 to himselfe and said nothing. But walk- 
 ing further, and passing by a tree that 
 stood in the way, and not seeing him 
 
 a Barbar. 
 
 A Papist 
 and a 
 Puritan. 
 
 move 
 
156 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part IV. 
 
 move to that : Neighbour (saith he) I 
 pray you in courtesie, will you resolve 
 me a question ? with all my heart (re- 
 plied the other) so that if occasion be 
 offered, you'le doe me the like. Both 
 agreed : now then neighbour, saith the 
 Puritan, I would know why you did not 
 the like reverence unto the Tree, that 
 you did unto the Crosse, being both one 
 wood : the reason of that (saith the other) 
 you shall soone know, but one thing first 
 I must know of you : this morning, when 
 you tooke leave of your wife, Why did 
 you kisse her lippes, and not her taile, see- 
 ing they were both made of one flesh ? 
 
 Of 
 
Citie^] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 157 
 
 Of a Frieze yerkings. 
 
 A N honest good fellow having worne 
 a thredbare Jerkin, for the space 
 of two yeares and a halfe : as soone as 
 hee had compassed another such, for 
 the good service it had done him, he 
 made on it this Epitaph. 
 Here lie in peace, thou patient overcommer. 
 Of two cold Winters, and one scorching 
 Summer. 
 
 Of a 
 
 Frieze 
 
 Jerkings. 
 
 A great Eater. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN riding downe into 
 the Countrey, was askt by his 
 friend, what was the best newes at Lon- 
 don ; who answered he had, by reason 
 of his sudden, and unexpected comming 
 downe, not listned after any : Onely, 
 
 A great 
 Eater. 
 
 wot 
 
158 
 
 Witty Jeeves, 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 woG you what ? (saith he). It is re- 
 ported that Woolner the great Eater 
 hath lost his Stomacke : to whom the 
 other replyed, If a poore man hath found 
 it, he is directly undone. 
 
 A Gentleman and a Citizen. 
 
 A Gentle- 
 man and 
 a Citizen. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN and a Citizen walk- 
 ing together, just before them 
 went two Aldermen. Saith the Gentle- 
 man to the other, there goes a Cuckold : 
 at which the Citizen, his supposed friend, 
 taking exceptions, tells the other what 
 was spoken. Whereupon they made a 
 complaint, and bearing him before the 
 Major, the parties appeare, witnesse is 
 call'd, the words justified : but the 
 Gentleman pleads a mistake : for (quoth 
 he) I said not by either of these worthy 
 
 Citizens, 
 
Cttie."] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 159 
 
 Citizens, there goes a Cuckold, but the 
 words that I spak, were, There goes a 
 Couple. I, was it so saith the Major? if 
 it were no otherwise, the matter is an- 
 swered, and I here discharge you the 
 Court. 
 
 A Clarke of a Chttrck. 
 
 'np HE Clarke of a Church having re- 
 ceived some discontentment from 
 the Parish, grew sullen upon it, and when 
 Sunday came, that hee was to give out 
 a Psalme, he sate still in his seate, 
 and would not so much as open his 
 lippes. But being often call'd upon, at 
 last, looking somewhat doggedly upon 
 the matter, Sing (saith he) to the praise 
 of God, Quicunque vult ; and presently 
 went out of the Church. 
 
 A Clarke 
 of a 
 Church. 
 
 of 
 
i6o 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 IP art IV. 
 
 Of a 
 
 Cheese- 
 monger. 
 
 Of a Cheesemonger. 
 
 A PURITAN comming to a Cheese- 
 monger, to buy a Gossips, or 
 Groaning Cheese, because his wife was 
 ready to lye downe, the Master of the 
 shop offered him a taste of that which 
 he seemed best to like : who before he 
 would put it to his mouth, he put his 
 hat to his eyes, and began- a long grace : 
 which the Cheesemonger seeing ; nay 
 (saith he) since you meane, instead of 
 a taste f to make a meale out of my Cheese, 
 I assure you, you shall buy none here : 
 for I can not afford it after that rate, 
 and measure. 
 
 One 
 
Ci tie.'] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 161 
 
 One with a great nose. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN with an extra- 
 ordinary great nose, was walking 
 along Cheapside ; when an unhappy 
 Prentice boy meeting him, made a sud- 
 den stand, at which the Gentleman mu- 
 sing, made a stand likewise, and asked 
 him why hee did not keepe his way ? 
 the Lad answered, Sir, I would gladly 
 passe by you, but I canot for your nose. 
 The Gentleman loth to be too much 
 observed, or occasion of any tumult in 
 the street, with his finger hee put his 
 nose on the one side, and said, Now youth, 
 you may freely passe, the way lyes plaine 
 before you. 
 
 One with 
 a great 
 nose. 
 
 An 
 
62 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 [PartlV. 
 
 An Eng- 
 lish man 
 at a 
 French 
 Ordi- 
 narie. 
 
 An English man at a French 
 Ordinarie, 
 
 A N English man being in France, and 
 at an Ordinary, where amongst 
 other dishes were Woodcocks at the 
 table ; the English Gentleman some what 
 before his time : tooke one of the Wood- 
 cocks heads, and pickt it, which one of 
 the Mounsieurs observing, and thinking 
 with his fine wit to play upon him ; I 
 have (saith he) ever noted these English 
 men, that wheresoever Woodcocks are 
 serv'd in, their fingers will be ever first 
 in the dish ; the rest laught at the Jest ; 
 and he for the present made no reply : 
 but when the Table began to withdraw, 
 and every one was silent, the English 
 man fell into a great laughter ; and be- 
 
 ing 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 163 
 
 ing demanded the reason of it : troth 
 (saith he) at a wondrous good Jest was 
 made this night at Supper, which I pro- 
 test hath so taken me, that / shall never 
 hereafter see a Woodcocke, but I shall either 
 thinke of that Mounsieur, or some of his 
 Countrey-men. 
 
 A Cheater and a Tapster. 
 
 A FELLOW that was exceeding dry, 
 and had no money, came to a 
 Taphouse, and calling for a Can of beere, 
 drunke it off; which done^ hee asked the 
 Tapster if he had any bread : yes sir, 
 saith he, you may have a whole dozen, 
 if you please. No (saith the man) halfe 
 a dozen will serve, and bring it in. The 
 Tapster did so, and set them before him. 
 Now, saith hee, because I will give thee 
 
 A Cheater 
 and a 
 
 Tapster. 
 
1 64 Merry Tales. {Part IV. 
 
 a good account, bring mee another Can 
 of beere ; which was no sooner done, but 
 he dranke it off, and withall gave him 
 two penny loaves ; then call'd for the 
 third, then for the fourth, till hee had 
 made it up to a full halfe dozen, and still 
 for every Can gave him a loafe : then he 
 asked him what was to pay ; sixpence 
 (saith the Tapster.) For what, saith the 
 fellow ? the Tapster replied, for beere, 
 Why, hadst thou not bread for thy beere, 
 answered the other ? Why then, pay me 
 for my bread, saith the Tapster. Had'st 
 tlwu not thy bread agen, quoth the fel- 
 low ? How can this be ? so whilst the 
 Tapster was studdying to reconcile the 
 intricate reckoning, he stept out of 
 doores, and paide nothing. 
 
 A 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 165 
 
 A man on the Gallowes, 
 
 /^NE that saw a poore fellow, in a 
 very cold morning, upon the Gal- 
 lowes in his shirt, and after a short con- 
 fession ready to be turned off the Ladder : 
 Alas poore man (saith he) I much pitty 
 him ; he hath stood so long yonder in 
 the cold, that / am affraid Jiee will goe 
 neare to catch his death. 
 
 Two scuffling in the Streete. 
 
 A MAN and a woman being together 
 by the yeares in the street ; and a 
 great throng about them, a citizens wife 
 passing that way by chance, demands of 
 a Gentleman that came from the tumult, 
 what the occasion of that uproare might 
 be ? You are a whore (sayes the Gentle - 
 
 A man 
 on the 
 Gallowes. 
 
 Two 
 
 scuffling 
 in the 
 Streete. 
 
 man.) 
 
166 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [PartlV. 
 
 man.) How, quoth shee ? thou art an 
 arrant Knave to call me whore ; I am as 
 honest, as the skinne betwixt thy browes. 
 But he presently very courteously put 
 off his hat, and said, truely faire Gentle- 
 woman, this was the occasion of their 
 quarrell. 
 
 A dru?ik- 
 ard and 
 his wife. 
 
 A drunkard and his wife. 
 
 A 
 
 WOMAN had a husband that used 
 to come home often disguised, and 
 sometimes to lye along on the floore ; 
 & stil when she offered to raise him 
 from the ground, hee would not be re- 
 moved, but answered, the Tenement is 
 mine owne, I pay rent for it, and I may 
 lye where I list. Some few nights, com- 
 ming home in the like taking, and sitting 
 in a chaire before the fire, hee fell a 
 
 sleepe : 
 
Citie.~] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 167 
 
 sleepe : the woman would have waked 
 him, but could not, and therefore went 
 up to bed, in which she was scarce warme, 
 but the Maide cried out aloud, Mistresse, 
 Mistresse, my Master is fallen out of the 
 chaire, and lies in the midst of the fire, 
 which she hearing, lay still, and an- 
 swered ; let him alone, for, as long as he 
 payes rent for the house, he may lye where 
 he list 
 
 Of a Horse and a Pecke of 
 Oysters. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN having rid hard 
 in a wet morning, and comming 
 into his Inne dropping drie, saw a good 
 fire in the Hall, but set so round, that 
 he could not get so much as shoulder 
 roome : for the weather being wet, and 
 
 Of a 
 
 Horse and 
 a Pecke of 
 Oysters. 
 
 cold. 
 
1 68 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 cold, no man would give him place. He 
 having espied Oysters at the Inne gate, 
 called in great haste to the Oastler, to 
 give his horse instantly a pecke of Oys- 
 ters, for he purposed to ride away before 
 dinner. The Oastler was amazed, the 
 rest wondered, but he would not rest till 
 he saw them measured, and cast before 
 his horse into the Manger. Strange it 
 was to 'em all, to heare of a horse that 
 would eate Oysters, and to behold the 
 novelty, they left presently the fire, and 
 ranne into the stable. In the interim the 
 Gentleman warmes, and dries himselfe 
 throughly from toppe to toe, at his 
 pleasure. But they gaping like fooles 
 some halfe an houre, came backe agen, 
 and told him, his horse would not touch 
 an Oyster. No, (saith he) will not the 
 sullen Jade fall too ? Well Oastler, bring 
 
 em 
 
Cttie.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 6 9 
 
 'em to me, and see what I can doe tvith 
 'em : and, (doe you heare ?) give my 
 horse so many Oates : which being done 
 accordingly ; by that time the horse had 
 made an end of his Oates, he had eaten 
 his Oysters, the weather grew faire, and 
 hee well dried, rode on his Journey. 
 
 A famous Thief e. 
 
 A FAMOUS Thiefe frequenting a cer- 
 taine citie in England, acquainted 
 himselfe with a Porter of one of the gates, 
 and feed him with money, that still when 
 he had beene abroad about any exploit, 
 hee should be ready to let him in at what 
 houre soever : and this hee used a long 
 time, till at length, being taken, arraigned, 
 and convicted for many robberies ; he was 
 condemned, and the next day brought to 
 
 A famous 
 Thiefe. 
 
 the 
 
170 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 IP art IV. 
 
 the Gallowes ; where the Sheriffs perswad- 
 ing him still to confesse more and more, 
 at length he desired that they would send 
 for the Porter : which was done accord- 
 ingly, and the poore man came quaking, 
 and trembling, and the people were in 
 great expectation of some strange thing 
 to be revealed. By this time the thiefe 
 upon the ladder spies him, and the poore 
 Porter in a pittifull feare, askes why he 
 sent for him, and what hee had to say 
 to him. To whom the thiefe replied : 
 troth honest Porter, I onely sent for the, 
 to tell thee, that if / come not in to night 
 by twelve a cloacke, doe not tarry up for me, 
 but goe to bed a Gods name ; and so 
 leaping of the Ladder, with this Jest in 
 his mouth, hee was hang'd in earnest. 
 
 Gentlemen 
 
Cilie.~\ 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 171 
 
 Gentlemen at a Taverne. 
 
 POME Gentlemen meeting at a Ta- 
 verne, and being put into a roome 
 two paire of staires high, they called for 
 a pinte of wine, which after it was drunke 
 off, they knock'd, and call'd, but none 
 either answering, or comming up, one of 
 the Gentlemen threw downe the pint pot, 
 when instantly a Drawer comes up with 
 a quart, and so left them. They fol- 
 lowing their discourse, and drinking 
 round, soone emptied the Quart pot too. 
 Then they knocke agen, and call, but 
 none answering, downe goes the quart 
 pot, and in a trice comes up a pottle ; 
 which after some respit being likewise 
 dispatcht, they called aloud and knockt, 
 but none would answer, till at length, 
 they thundred with such violence, that 
 
 Gentle- 
 men at a 
 Taverne. 
 
 up 
 
172 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part IV. 
 
 up comes one of the Drawers, whom a 
 Gentleman, being angry at such slacke 
 attendance, meets at the top of the 
 staires, and cast him headlong downe to 
 the bottome ; at which, all the rest of 
 his fellowes, with the Master of the 
 house, began to muster up themselves, 
 and comming up into the Gentlemens 
 roome, demanded the reason of that vio- 
 lence done to his servant, and why hee 
 did so. Marry mine Host (saith he) I 
 did it for attendance : for throwing 
 downe a pint, there came up a quart ; 
 and throwing downe the quart, there came 
 up a Pottle : wherefore sitting here alone, 
 and no man regarding us, We filing one 
 Drawer downe staires, in hopes that two 
 at the least, would come up to attend us. 
 
 Of 
 
Ci tie.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 173 
 
 Of a very red Nose. 
 
 A PLEASANT fellow meeting a man 
 in the street, with an extraordi- 
 nary red nose, looked very earnestly in 
 his face : the man halfe abashed, askt him 
 what he gazed so at. Friend (replied the 
 fellow) sure your eyes are not Matches. 
 Noe ? (saith he) I pray you shew a rea- 
 son why they are not. Marry (quoth 
 the other) If they were Matches, question- 
 lesse your nose would set them on fire. 
 
 Of a very 
 
 i red Nose. 
 
 Two Inne-keefters. 
 
 A N Inne-keeper of Saffron Walden, 
 
 using every Terme constantly to 
 
 one Inne in London, the two Hosts grew 
 
 in great league of love, and friendshippe 
 
 together, but ever and anon, when hee 
 
 Twolnne- 
 keepers. 
 
 of 
 
174 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part IV. 
 
 of London was about his businesse, or 
 out of the way, mine Host of Walden 
 was importunate with his wife, to make 
 him a Cuckold ; which the modest woman 
 told to her husband, what a false friend he 
 was to him : for which he vowes revenge ; 
 and taking no notice at all what was 
 past, the time came that mine Host of 
 Walden was for the Countrey : great 
 ceremony there was, and much protesta- 
 tion of Love at their parting. But this 
 injurie still stucke in mine Host of Lon- 
 dons stomacke, who bethought himselfe 
 awhile after, how to cry quits with him, 
 and taking his horse in the long vacation, 
 when hee had most leasure, he rode downe 
 purposely to see mine Host of Walden, 
 when comming to the Inne, hee was no 
 sooner dismounted, but his old friend, 
 and familier acquaintance espied hirn, 
 
 and 
 
Citie.~\ 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 75 
 
 and running to him, embraced him, and 
 called out his wife to entertaine him. 
 Well, his wife appeared, and havi no- 
 heard her husband formerly speake so 
 well of him ; in way of courteous saluta- 
 tion, she offered her lip ; but hee scorne- 
 fully put her by : and I pray you (said 
 he) Are you wife to this man ? Yes sir 
 (saith she) for default of a better. But 
 I intreate you, foole me not, said he, I 
 came to visite my friend in kindnesse, 
 and not to be derided. Derided ? (quoth 
 the woman) Why say you so ? I am she 
 that have laine by his side these twentie 
 yeares : I, that shee hath, I can assure 
 you, quoth mine Host of Walden. Would 
 you make me beleeve that ? saith the 
 London Host. Sure I am, that this is 
 not the woman yon were wont to lodge at 
 my house, and lye with her Tearme by 
 
 Tear me ; 
 
176 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 IP art IV. 
 
 Tearme ; I hope I know her if I see her 
 againe : If you be such a kinde of fel- 
 low (mine Host) here is no staying for 
 me : at which words, whilst the other 
 stood halfe amazed, hee leapes up into 
 his saddle, and without more pause, 
 spurs backe as fast as hee can for London. 
 Mine Host of Walden calls after him, but 
 in vaine. The woman railes ; he would 
 excuse it, but can not be heard : Drunk- 
 ard, and Whoremaster are the best titles 
 she can afford him : nor could the man 
 and wife ever be reconciled ; notwith- 
 standing all his vowes and oathes, with 
 the mediation of neighbours and friends, 
 till mine Host of London, thinking him- 
 selfe partly revenged, sent under his hand 
 and seale, that it was but a meere tricke 
 put upon him, in requitall for a former 
 injury. 
 
 Two 
 
Ci tie.'] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 Two old Widdows. 
 
 177 
 
 ^"F^WO old Widdowes sitting over a Cup 
 of Ale in a Winter night, entred 
 into discourse of their dead husbands, 
 and after the ripping up of their good 
 and bad qualities, saith one of them to 
 her maide, I prethee Wench reach us 
 another light : for my husband (God rest 
 his soule) above all things loved to see 
 good lights about the house, God grant 
 him light Everlasting. And I pray you 
 neighbour (saith the other) let the maide 
 lay on some more coales, or stirre up 
 the fire, for my husband in his life time, 
 ever loved to see a good fire, God grant 
 him fire everlasting. 
 
 Two old 
 Widdows. 
 
. 7 8 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 {Part IV. 
 
 A Horse- 
 stealer. 
 
 A Horsestealer. 
 
 A FELLOW for stealing a Horse, was 
 apprehended, arraigned, convicted, 
 and executed : when a stander by asking, 
 why the man was hang'd, it was answered, 
 for stealing a horse. Nay, saith the 
 other, no such matter ; he was hang'd for 
 being taken : for had he stolne an hundred 
 horses, and not beene taken, he might have 
 lived many a faire day. 
 
 A Cheater. 
 
 A CHEATER that stole a Cup out of 
 a Taverne, was persued, and taken 
 in the street, insomuch that a great con- 
 fluence of people was gathered about him : 
 when a civell Gentleman, passing by, and 
 seeing the tumult, demanded of one that 
 
 stood 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 179 
 
 stood outermost, the reason of it ; nothing, 
 saith he, but that a fellow hath gotten a 
 Cup too much. Alas, replies the Gentle- 
 man, naught else ? that may be an honest 
 mans fault sometimes, and mine as soone 
 as anothers. 
 
 A handsome IVench and a 
 ^Justice. 
 
 A 
 
 HANDSOME wench for some \ A hand - 
 
 some 
 Wench 
 
 suspitious businesse, was brought 
 before a Justice, somewhat late in the 
 Evening ; who taking compassion of her, 
 because shee was faire, and seemingly 
 modest, wish'd the man that brought her 
 before him, to have her home, and lodge 
 her that night, and hee would heare the 
 businesse more at large to morrow. 
 Marry with all my heart, saith he, Mr. 
 
 and a 
 Justice. 
 
 Justice, 
 
i8o 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 \ Part IV. 
 
 Justice, so you will but commit my wife, 
 which is now at home, to the Counter till 
 morning. 
 
 A cleanly 
 lye. 
 
 A cleanly lye. 
 
 Tiy-ILLIAM KEMPE was by a mis- 
 chance with a sword run quit 
 through the legge ; when a Countrey 
 Gentleman comming to visite him, askt 
 him how he came by that misfortune : 
 Kempe told him ; and withall, troth, 
 saith he, I received this hurt just eight 
 weekes since, and I have laine of it 
 this quarter of a yeare y and never stirr'd 
 out of my Chamber. 
 
 Gentlemen 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 181 
 
 Gentlemen at an Ordi7tary. 
 
 ^ERTAINE Gentlemen being in 
 game at an Ordinary, every one 
 complained of a filthy rancke smell that 
 was amongst them, which grew still 
 hotter, and hotter in their noses. At 
 length, saith one of them jestingly, I 
 pray you Gentlemen, which of you 
 amongst us here useth to weare socks ? 
 A Countrey Gentleman, one of the com- 
 pany, presently answered not I, I protest ; 
 / never knew what belong d to 'em. 
 
 Of a deafe Hostesse. 
 
 Gentlemen 
 at an 
 Ordinary. 
 
 A 
 
 YOUNG Gentleman having a deafe I Of a deafe 
 
 i Hostesse. 
 
 Hostesse, used to put many Jests 
 upon her ; and one day, having invited 
 divers of his friends to dinner, thinking 
 
 to 
 
1 82 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 IP art IV. 
 
 Of a 
 
 Prentice. 
 
 to make them merry, hee tooke a glasse 
 of wine, and made signes to the good 
 old woman, that hee dranke to her, say- 
 ing, here Hostesse, I will drinke to you, 
 and to all your friends, namely the 
 Baudes, and whores in Turnebull street: 
 to whom shee innocently said, I thanke 
 you sir, even with all my heart, I know 
 you remember your Mother, your Aunt, 
 and all those good Gentlewomen your 
 Sisters. 
 
 Of a Prentice. 
 
 A YOUNG boy that came out of the 
 countrey, and was new bound 
 Prentice, seeing my Lord Majors show, 
 and wondring at the great pompe, and 
 state he rid in : I marry, saith hee, now 
 / see what w& must all come too. 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 183 
 
 A Taverne reckoning. 
 
 r^ ENTLEMEN being at supper in a 
 Taverne, when an extraordinary 
 deere bill was brought up, one of the 
 company seemed to be very malancholy 
 on the sudden, and being asked what 
 troubled him, hee made this answer, 
 There's nothing more in Tavemes I abhor y 
 Than when these Drazvers bring an Item 
 for. 
 
 A 
 
 Taverne 
 reckoning. 
 
 An Empericke and his man. 
 
 A PHYSITIAN and his man riding 
 along the high-way, a pretty way 
 off, they espied a great confluence of 
 people. The Master desirous to know 
 the reason thereof, sent his servant to 
 enquire : who gallopping thither as fast 
 
 An Empe- 
 ricke and 
 his man. 
 
 as 
 
1 84 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 IP art IV. 
 
 as he could, and comming backe againe ; 
 O sir, (sayes hee) as you regard your life, 
 shift for your selfe. The Physitian halfe 
 amazed, askt him why. Why sir (quoth 
 his servant) yonder is a fellow to be 
 hang'd for killing a man ; now, if he 
 were condemn'd for killing one, what 
 danger are you in, that to my knowledge 
 have beene the death of halfe a hundred 
 at the least. 
 
 A Gentleman and a Constable. 
 
 A Gentle- 
 man and 
 a Con- 
 stable. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN walking somewhat 
 late in the night, was taken by 
 the Watch, and had before the Lan- 
 thorne ; where they very strictly de- 
 manded who hee was, and whom hee 
 served : he answered, that hee was, as 
 they say, a man, and that hee served 
 
 God. 
 
Ctiie."] 
 
 Modeme Jests. 
 
 185 
 
 God. I, say you so, quoth the Con- 
 stable, then carry him to the Counter, 
 if hee serve no body else : yes sir, replied 
 the Gentleman, I serve my Lord Cham- 
 berlaine. My Lord Chamberlaine ? (saith 
 the Constable) why did you not tell me 
 so before ? Marry, quoth the Gentle- 
 man, because I had thought, thou loved 
 God better than my Lord Chamberlaine. 
 
 A Sleepy Drawer. 
 
 A DRAWER sleeping under the Pul- 
 pit, the Preacher beate his Deske 
 so hard, that the Drawer suddenly awaked, 
 start up and cryed openly in the Church, 
 A lion, a lion sir. 
 
 A Sleepy 
 Drawer. 
 
 2 A 
 
1 86 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part IV. 
 
 A Simple 
 Constable. 
 
 A Simple Constable, 
 
 A GENTLEMAN was taken by the 
 Watch late at night, and finding 
 the Constable simple, hee gave him per- 
 emptory termes ; wherefore there was no 
 way with him, but to prison he must. At 
 length the Gentleman came up to him, 
 and bid him commit him if he durst. 
 Why, saith the Constable, what are you ? 
 and what may I call your name, that the 
 Kings Officer may not commit you ? My 
 name (quoth the Gentleman) is Adultery, 
 and neither by Gods Lawes, nor mans, 
 ought you to commit me. Which one 
 of the wisest amongst them hearing, let 
 him goe (saith he) Mr. Constable, let him 
 goe : for if your wife should heare, that 
 you had committed Adultery in your 
 Watch, it might be an everlasting breach 
 
 of 
 
Citie.~\ 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 187 
 
 of love betwixt you. Vpon this the 
 Constable was appeased, and the Gentle- 
 man went quietly to his lodging. 
 
 A tall Gentleman, and a low 
 Taylor. 
 
 A LITTLE low Taylor working for A tali 
 Gentle- 
 a proper Gentleman, one day man, and 
 
 a low 
 
 brought him home a new suite, which, Taylor. 
 according to his directions, hee had made 
 with a very high choller ; and having 
 put it on, and buttoned it up ; the 
 Gentleman could scarce see any thing, 
 but the skies above his head. At last, 
 when all was done, paying the little 
 Taylor his money ; reach me thy hand, 
 honest friend, saith he, and now fare- 
 well : for / feare that I shall never see 
 thee agen. 
 
 Two 
 
188 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part IV. 
 
 Two 
 Gentle- 
 men fall- 
 ing out. 
 
 Two Gentlemen falling out. 
 
 9 I ^WO yong gentlemen in a Taverne 
 challeng'd the field over night, 
 and met next morning ; but upon cold 
 blood distrusting their valours, they be- 
 gan to parle. At length, in regard that 
 their going out was taken notice of by 
 other Gentlemen, and if no blood were 
 drawne, it might redound to both their 
 disparagements, they agreed betwixt 
 themselves, to give one another some 
 slight hurt, or scratch in such a place 
 where they could best endure it, and so 
 drew cuts who should give the first 
 wound, and the other to appoint the 
 place ; saith hee who was the first 
 patient, give me a little pricke in the 
 Arme : I will (saith the other), and ranne 
 his Arme quite through, the fellow mak- 
 
 ing 
 
Ci tie.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 189 
 
 ing sowre faces awhile, by reason of the 
 
 paine hee felt ; now (saith he) stand me, 
 
 and shew me where I shall hit you. 
 
 But he that was untoucht, perceiving his 
 
 wounded opposite scarce able to hold his 
 
 sword, stands upon his guard and tels 
 
 } 
 him, he lyes faire and open to him, and \ 
 
 bids him hit him zvhere he can ; which 
 
 the other not able to doe, hee came off 
 
 1 
 
 boasting and bragging to his friends, how 
 he had got the better of the day. 
 
 A Dnmkard. 
 
 A FELLOW by chance lay drunke 
 in the streete, and not able to 
 helpe himselfe, a Gentleman walking 
 late without a light, stumbled at him : 
 but by good fortune he recovered him- 
 self, and perceiving what had laine in 
 
 A Drunk- 
 ard. 
 
 his 
 
190 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 A Gur- 
 
 mandizer, 
 
 A Welch 
 Reader. 
 
 his way, / have stumbled at a Strata 
 (saith he) and leapt over a block. 
 
 A Gurmandizer. 
 
 A GURMANDIZING fellow protest- 
 ing to a friend of his, that hee 
 loved him as well as hee loved his 
 soule: I thanke you Sir (saith he) with 
 all my heart, but I had rather you 
 loved mee as well as you love your 
 body. 
 
 A Welch Reader. 
 
 A WELCHMAN reading the Chapter 
 of the Geneologie, where Abraham 
 begat Isaac, and Isaac begat Jacob, find- 
 ing the names very difficult that he 
 could scarce reade them : and so saith 
 
 he, 
 
Ci He.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 iqi 
 
 he, they begot one another to the end of 
 the Chapter. 
 
 A Bishop and a Gentleman. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN of the Universitie, 
 being of great acquaintance with 
 a certaine Doctor, insomuch that they 
 were intimate friends : it happened that 
 the Gentleman travelled for the space 
 of Seven yeares ; in which interim, this 
 Doctor was made an Arch-Bishop. The 
 Gentleman at his returne rejoycing to 
 heare of his friends preferment, tooke 
 time to visit him, and came just when 
 they were preparing for dinner : the 
 Arch-Bishop more strange in his Saluta- 
 tion than before, askt him, where he pur- 
 posed to dine? he answered, there, where 
 his horse stood, which was both Inne, 
 
 A Bishop 
 and a 
 Gentle- 
 man. 
 
 and 
 
192 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 and Ordinary. Well, saith my Lord, 
 it may be before dinner's done, you shall 
 heare from me, and so parted without 
 any further Complements. The Gen- 
 tleman went to his Inne, and the Arch- 
 Bishop to dinner, where spying a Mullet 
 on the Table, and remembring his promise, 
 
 j he call'd one of his Gentlemen, and bid 
 him carry that same to such a man, in 
 such an Ordinary. The Gentleman did, 
 
 | and finding him set among other strangers, 
 he told him, that his Grace had sent him 
 that token of his love, to mend his com- 
 mons. He kindly seemed to accept it, 
 and humbly thankt his Grace, and the 
 Gentleman, that brought it ; but with- 
 all demanded of him, if his Lordship 
 had not sent him either bread to his 
 fish or Beere, or Wine ? The Gentle- 
 man answered, not any of those. Then 
 
 I 
 
Citie.] Moderne Jests. 193 
 
 I pray you, saith he, take my service 
 backe in a sheete, to your Lord ; and 
 calling for Pen, Inke, and Paper, he writ 
 this Distich. 
 
 Mittitur in disco 
 
 Mihi piscis ab Archiepisco 
 
 Po iion ponatur, 
 
 Quia potus non mihi datur. 
 The Messenger had tooke his leave, and 
 was going, but hee called him backe 
 againe, and told him, his Grace that 
 could forget his friends, might perchance 
 not well remember his Latine : therefore 
 he intreated him to stay and take the 
 same lines interpreted into English, which 
 was thus. 
 There was a fish, sent me in a dish, by 
 
 an Arch-bish. 
 Hop shall not be here : because he sent no 
 Beere. 
 
 2 B A 
 
194 Witty Jeeves. [Part IV. 
 
 A Jeast upon a Jeaster. 
 
 Ajeast I ^\N E that presented the Clowne in a 
 
 upon a ■ J x 
 
 ^^^ play, being talking in the Tyer- 
 house, some or other had layd his cap 
 out of the way : in which interim, he 
 was called to enter, and forced to goe 
 in without it. But afterward the Cap 
 being found saith one of the; company 
 to his boy that then served him, Sirrah 
 here's your Masters ~ Cap y goe to him 
 now whilst he's speaking, and put it on 
 his head. But the Lad (whether simply, 
 or knavishly, I cannot tell) replyed : no 
 truely sir, pardon me, there is no wit in 
 that. 
 
 The 
 
Ci tie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 195 
 
 The Reversion of a house. 
 
 The Re- 
 version of 
 
 /°\NE came bragging from the Court 
 ^~^ of Aldermen, that they had grant- « house. 
 ed his suite, and promised him a lease 
 of the next house that fell. To whom 
 one that stood by replyed, but had it 
 beene my case, I should have petitioned 
 for a house that stood. 
 
 A Welchman and a Cutpurse. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN that had a Welch- A mm- 
 man and 
 
 man waiting on him, came to see * Cut- 
 
 ' purse. 
 
 a Play, and drawing his purse at the 
 doore, which was well furnished with 
 crownes, a Cutpurse espyed him, dog'd 
 him, and tooke up his seate by him. 
 A little after, the Welchman sitting be- 
 hinde his Master, observed, that whilst he 
 
 was 
 
196 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 was seriously minding the sport, the 
 Cheater had cunningly conveyed the 
 purse out of his pocket, and was about 
 to rise : when presently without more 
 words, hee drew his knife, and at one 
 slash cut off the Cheaters eare. The fel- 
 low startling at the suddainnesse of the 
 act, and troubled with the smart, lookt 
 behind him, and asked him what hee 
 meant by it. The Welchman having his 
 eare in his hand, answered, no harme 
 done, good friend, no harme done, Give 
 hur Master hur purse, and I will give 
 hur y hur due. 
 
 A Penu- 
 rious 
 Citizen, 
 and his 
 Prentisc. 
 
 A Penurious Citizen, and his 
 Prentise. 
 
 A 
 
 PENURIOUS Citizen used to 
 feede his Prentises with Lights, 
 and Livers, and such like trash : and 
 
 having 
 
Citie.~\ 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 197 
 
 having appointed one of his men to 
 meete him in the fields, the fellow came 
 with a great heavie clog on his necke : 
 his Master askt him his reason, for so 
 doing : he made answere, he had fed so 
 long on Lights, that he was now forced 
 to carry that weight about with him, 
 least the ope7i ayre should blow him away. 
 
 Of Swimming. 
 
 A MONGST other communication at 
 Table there was discourse held 
 concerning swimming : when one of the 
 Company spoke to his next neighbour, 
 saying, Sir you came from such a place, 
 where there are many famous swimmers, 
 I must suppose you excellent in that 
 Art. Tis true, replyed the other, that 
 there are many good swimmers in the 
 
 Of Swim- 
 
 place, 
 
198 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 place, whence I came, but for mine owne 
 part / can swim no more than a Goose, 
 
 Of a she- 
 servant 
 that ca?ne 
 to take 
 her oath. 
 
 Of a she-servant that came to 
 take her oath. 
 
 A WAITING Woman, being sum- 
 moned into a Court, to take her 
 oath, (for she was served in with a sub- 
 poena) the examiner asked her, how he 
 should write her downe ; a Maide, a 
 Wife, or a Widdow ? She bid him write 
 her downe a Maide, for she never had 
 husband. He finding her a pretty smug 
 Wench, askt her how old shee was ; she 
 told him, about sixe and twenty. Sixe 
 and twenty ? saith he, (willing to sport 
 with her) then take heede what you 
 sweare, for you are now upon your oath : 
 May I securely set you downe Maide, 
 
 being 
 
Citie.~\ 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 T99 
 
 being of these yeares ? the Wench made 
 a pause, and considering a while with 
 her selfe : I pray you sir saith she, stay 
 your hand a little, and write me. downe 
 young Woman, 
 
 A 
 
 A short Cloake. 
 
 GENTLEMAN spying one walke A short 
 
 Cloake. 
 
 in a most pittifull short cloake, 
 sayd to a friend that was then walking 
 with him, did you ever see a poore man 
 weare his cloake so short ? O there is 
 helpe for that replyed the other : for I 
 see by his countenance, that he can finde 
 a way, to weave it longer. 
 
 Of 
 
200 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 Of Wine. 
 
 Of Wine. 
 
 /^vNE presented a Drunkard for his 
 
 New -yeares- gift with these few 
 lines. 
 
 Whilst in my Pot or Glasse I keepe my 
 
 wine, 
 I boldly dare presume, that they are mine. 
 But when the Pot I by the glasse devour, 
 Being drunke the Masters in the Servants 
 
 power. 
 I have it not, it hath me ; all I have 
 Is to be made a Prisoner to my slave. 
 What was my vassal I, now I Idoll call ; 
 For I before it must both kneele, and fall. 
 
Ci tie.] 
 
 Modeme Jests. 
 
 201 
 
 A Welch- 
 man Ar- 
 raigned. 
 
 A Welchman Arraigned. 
 
 \ WELCHMAN Arraigned, and con- 
 victed by the favour of the Bench 
 had his booke granted him : but when 
 he was burnt in the hand, they bad him 
 say, God save the King : Nay, saith he, 
 God blesse my Father and my Mother : 
 for had not they brought me up to write 
 and reade, I might have beene hang'd 
 for all the King. 
 
 A Epitaph made upon an 
 honest Cobler. 
 
 IT ERE lyes a Cobler y that dwelt in the, a e$ 
 
 ■I J- tai>h r 
 
 Strand, 
 Who though he was still on the mending 
 hand : 
 
 taph made 
 upon an 
 honest 
 Cobler. 
 
 2 C 
 
 Yet 
 
202 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 Of a 
 
 Gentle- 
 man 
 visiting 
 his friend. 
 
 Yet by the force of winde, and weather ; 
 His sole was rent from his upper leather. 
 
 Of a Gentleman visiting his 
 friend. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN comming to visit 
 his sicke friend, found him won- 
 drous faint-hearted, and fearefull of death : 
 insomuch that he grew ashamed of his 
 too much pusillanimity, especially in 
 regard of the standers by : for he had 
 ; nothing in his mouth, but ah, woe is 
 me, have I no friend here, that will 
 dispatch me from my paine ? and these 
 words were iterated so often, that the 
 Gentleman drawing his sword, with a 
 menacing looke, sayd Yes, you have one 
 friend yet left, that for your sake will 
 doe, and with that he levelled the point 
 
 directly 
 
Citie.~\ 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 203 
 
 directly at his breast. The sicke person 
 terribly amazed, that his friend, though 
 he entreated him, should proffer to kill 
 him, raised himselfe upon his bed, and 
 wisht him to hold his hand : for his 
 desire was, to be rid out of his paine, 
 and not out of his life. 
 
 Of a Vintners Boy. 
 
 TI 7 HEN two Divines passed through 
 a Taverne, and called for no 
 wine, the Vintners boy seeing them, 
 what (saith he) two preachers goe through 
 the Church, and not offer to say their 
 prayers f 
 
 Of a 
 
 Vintners 
 
 Boy. 
 
 An 
 
204 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 An Epi- 
 taph made 
 on a 
 Cobler. 
 
 An Epitaph made on a Cobler. 
 
 JLJT ERE lyes an honest Cobler, whom 
 
 curst Fate, 
 Perceiving nigh worm out, would needes 
 
 Translate. 
 He was a trusty soule, and time hath bin, 
 He could {well liquor d) wade through 
 
 thicke and thin. 
 Death put a tricke upon him, and what 
 
 was't. 
 He calling for his Awle, Death brought 
 
 his Last. 
 Twas not uprightly done to cut his thread, 
 TJiat mended more and more, till he was 
 
 dead. 
 Yet being gone, this onely can be sayd ; 
 Ho7iest John Cobler here is underlayd. 
 
 An 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 205 
 
 An Oppressour. 
 
 (~\ N E told a great Oppressour, he 
 ^^^ might kill beggers by the Law. 
 He asked his reason why. Why, saith 
 the other, because you are before hand 
 in their number, and cannot easily kill so 
 many as you have made. 
 
 A wry Nose. 
 
 A FELLOW disposed to play the 
 wag with one, whose Nose stood 
 awry : Sir, saith he, I know what your 
 Nose is not made of, and I know what 
 it is made of. First, I will assure you, 
 it is not made of wheate. What then 
 (saith the other ?) I will be judged by 
 all the company, If it be not made a 
 Rye. 
 
 An Op- 
 pressour. 
 
 A wry 
 
 Nose. 
 
 On 
 
206 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 On 
 
 Vsury. 
 
 Fire and 
 Toe. 
 
 On Vsury. 
 
 A PARSON that railed against Usury, 
 and extortion, making the sinne 
 equall with wilfull murther ; a little after, 
 upon some urgent necessitie, came to 
 borrow money of one of his Parishoners, 
 desiring to have it for three moneth 
 gratis. The fellow remembring his Ser- 
 mon, made answere ; truely sir, if to 
 lend money upon use, be in your opinion 
 as great a sinne as murder ; to lend 
 money gratis, can be a sinne in my 
 conceit no lesse than man-slaughter. 
 
 Fire and Toe. 
 
 /^\NE seeing a fellow warme his feete 
 by a hot sea-coale fire ; My 
 friend (saith he) what doe you meane to 
 put fire and toe together ? 
 
 Borrowing 
 
Cttt'e.'] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 \oj 
 
 Borrowing of a Cloake. 
 
 A POORE decayed Gentleman that 
 had either pawn'd, or sold his 
 cloake, came to another that knew him, 
 desiring him to lend him a spare cloake ; 
 and prest him so farre, that the other 
 overcome with much importunitie, and 
 yet unwilling to unsuite his wearing 
 cloathes for him, lent him a thinne stuffe 
 cloake upon promise within two or three 
 dayes to restore it. But dayes, weekes, 
 and moneths came ; in which time hee 
 never heard of the Gentleman ; till at 
 last, one cold frosty morning, he met 
 him with the same cloake upon him, 
 worne thred-bare, and scarce able to 
 hang together : whereupon staying him, 
 hee challengeth him upon breach of pro- 
 
 Borrow- 
 ing of a 
 Cloake. 
 
 mise, 
 
208 Merry Tales. [Part IV. 
 
 mise, telling him withall that in regard 
 of that private cheate, he will doe him 
 a publicke disgrace ; and take his owne, 
 (though worth nought) wheresoever he 
 findes it, which was no sooner sayd, but 
 he offered to plucke it from off his 
 shoulders : the other desired him to for- 
 beare, and told him, he might doe more 
 than he could answere : for (saith he) 
 when I borrowed it of you, I was a Pro- 
 testant, but since am turned Roman Ca- 
 tholicke, and comming to my Confessour, 
 amongst other things, I told him how 
 ungratefully I had used you, concerning 
 this poore garment ; for which he en- 
 joyned me this Pennance : Hast thou, 
 sayd he, had the pleasure, to weare so 
 light a cloake all the warm summer ? then 
 I command thee in punishment to thy 
 fault, not to leave it off for the space of 
 
 this 
 
Ci tie.'] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 209 
 
 this cold frosty- winter : and with that 
 he slipt away from him. 
 
 Of a Chandler. 
 
 A CHANDLER, whose shop was 
 brok open one night, and rob'd, 
 sate very melancholly in the morning : 
 when one of his next Neighbours seeing 
 him so sad, demanded of him the cause. 
 Ah Gossip (saith he) fetching a great 
 sigh, this night my shop hath beene 
 rifled, and I finde missing a whole grosse 
 of Candles : Marry a great losse indeed 
 neighbour, replyes the other ; what, a 
 whole grosse of Candles ? but take it 
 not to heart, for there is no doubt, but 
 that in good time, they will be brought 
 to light. 
 
 I Of a 
 Chandler, 
 
 2 D 
 
 A 
 
2IO 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 \_P art IV. 
 
 A Justice 
 and a 
 Bawde. 
 
 A Justice and a Bawde, 
 
 A NOTORIOUS Bawde brought be- 
 fore a Justice of Peace for many 
 lewde demeanours, but especially for 
 keeping a common Brothell-house, was 
 examined of divers particulars, all which 
 she obstinately denyed, though there 
 were proofes sufficient, apparently to 
 convict her: which the Justice hearing, 
 well (huswife) saith he, you keepe a com- 
 mon brothell-house, and I will maintaine 
 it. Marry, I thanke your good worship, 
 replyes the old Bawde : for such a sup- 
 port I have great neede of. 
 
 Of 
 
Citie.] Pleasant Taunts. 211 
 
 Of five Vintners. 
 
 FIVE Vintners riding into Kent, to be Of five 
 Vintners. 
 
 Merry, upon horses hired or bor- 
 rowed, in their returne came through 
 Greenewichy and allighted at the Taverne 
 next to the Bridge foote ; where they 
 fell a healthing so long, till it grew to- 
 wards Night. One tumbled on a bed, 
 another sate drowsie in a chaire : onely 
 one stood stifly to it, and told them 
 plainely, if they would not instantly take 
 horse, hee would leave them there, and 
 commend them to their wives in London. 
 But they all agreed to stay there that 
 night, and take the benefit of the morn- 
 ing. With this answere away goes hee, 
 though it was now growne darke, and 
 keeping the Londoners pace, a tantivie, 
 it hapned that within a little of Debt- 
 ford, 
 
212 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 ford, a dead horse lay full in the way, 
 just of the same colour with that on 
 which he rid. His live horse stumbles 
 at the dead, horse and man are over- 
 throwne ; but the foure legges nimbler 
 than the two, gets up first, and away 
 plods onward his journey towards Lon- 
 don. The Vintner bruised with the fall, 
 makes a shift to get up cursing his Jade, 
 and groaping in the darke if it be pos- 
 sible to finde him. At last he lights 
 upon the dead one, kickes to rouse him 
 up, but all in vaine, he will not stirre : 
 the poore man in this perplexitie, is al- 
 most at his wits end : but spying a 
 candle, some bowes shoote before him 
 he makes towards it, and presently findes 
 himselfe in Debtford. There he enquires 
 for a Farrier or Smith, and they direct 
 him to his house. But Vulcan having 
 
 got 
 
Citie.~\ 
 
 Modeme Jests. 
 
 21 
 
 got a Cup in his pate, would by no en- 
 treaties be raised, under a Crowne in 
 hand ; which was given him. Up gets 
 the Smith, calls his man to carry a 
 candle and Lanthorne : the Vintner tells 
 him all his misfortune by the way, and 
 directs him to the place of this disaster ; 
 intreating him to use all the Art he can, 
 in the recovery of his horse, being but 
 hired. By this time they come to the 
 sad spectacle ; the Smith lifts at his 
 head, and his man at his taile, but find- 
 ing no motion, gave him over as lost. 
 The Londoner looking sad upon the 
 businesse, fetcht a great sigh, and sayd, 
 whilst I have beene knocking up the 
 Smith, some body hath stolne away my 
 Bridle and Saddle. Backe to the Towne 
 goeth he with the Farrier and his man, 
 resolving to sit up that night, and to 
 
 comfort 
 
214 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 comfort himselfe with a Cup of Ale, 
 which the Smith soone brought him too : 
 where I leave them potting together, and 
 from thence looke backe to Greenwich. 
 The morning comes, when my late 
 drowsie Vintners refreshed with sleepe, 
 are quickly stirring, and mounted on 
 their horses ; and galloping through 
 Debtford y are espied by their flft com- 
 panion, who calls after them. They 
 wonder to see him there, and askt him 
 if he had done ther comendations to 
 their wives. But he entreates them to 
 leave their jestings, and tells them all 
 the former circumstances of his last nights 
 misfortune. Some laugh at him, others 
 lament with him, according to their 
 severall humours. To be short with this 
 discourse, he on foote, & they on horse- 
 back, have left the town a mile behind 
 
 them, 
 
Cztte.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 them, when one of them casting his eye 
 aside, spyes a horse bridled and sadled, 
 browsing on the hedge, and saith withall, 
 is not that the beast you rod on ? He 
 dares not acknowledge him. That is 
 sure the same saddle and bridle saith 
 another, or very like 'em, but he hath 
 scarce faith to beleeve it : at length all 
 of them agree, that both horse and fur- 
 niture are the same : yet though he be 
 sure to pay for one, hee can hardly be 
 won to hazard the stealing another. In 
 the end they prevaile with him, up he 
 mounts, the stirrops fit him, and deliver- 
 ing him at the stable from whence he 
 hired him, he is by the owner acknow- 
 ledged for the same. 
 
 Two 
 
2l6 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 Two 
 striving 
 for the 
 Wall. 
 
 Two striving for the JValL 
 
 'HP* WO Gentlemen meeting, the one 
 jostled the other from the Wall, 
 and had almost made him to measure 
 his length in the channell : who by much 
 adoe recovering himselfe came up close 
 to him, and asked him whether he were 
 in jest, or in earnest ? He told him 
 plainely, that what hee did was in ear- 
 nest. And I am glad, replies the other, 
 that you told me so : for I protest, / 
 love 110 such jesting : by which words he 
 put off the quarrell. 
 
 A Horse-Courser. 
 
 A Horse- 
 Courser. 
 
 /^NE comming into Smithfield on a 
 Friday Market, call'd to a Horse- 
 courser aloud, and said, I prethee, my 
 
 friend, 
 
Citie.~] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 217 
 
 friend, how goe horses to day ? Marry, 
 as you see, (quoth the fellow) some amble, 
 some trot, some gallop. 
 
 One that parted a fray. 
 
 /^~\NE parting a fray, was cut into 
 the scull, and comming to be 
 drest ; saith the Chirurgion, as he was 
 searching the wound, here is a dangerous 
 Orifice, your Pericranium is pierced, so 
 that one may plainely see your braines. 
 I doe not beleeve that, replies the 
 Patient : for had I had any braines at 
 all, I should never have beene so mad, 
 as to have come betwixt them to part 
 the fray. 
 
 One that 
 parted a 
 fray. 
 
 2 E 
 
218 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part IV. 
 
 A Bar- 
 gaine i?i 
 Smith- 
 field. 
 
 A Bargaine in Smithfield. 
 
 A PLEASANT fellow desirous to put 
 off a lame horse, rode him from 
 the Sunne Taverne within Cripple-gate, 
 to the Sunne in Holborne, neare to 
 Fullers Rents : and minding the next 
 day to sell him in Smithfield, the Chap- 
 man askt him why he looked so leane. 
 Marry, no marvell, answered he : for but 
 yester day, / rid him from Sunne, to 
 Sunne, and never drew Bit. 
 
 A House 
 
 broke 
 
 open. 
 
 A House broke open. 
 
 A N unthrift, who had cleane spent 
 
 his estate, had his house one night 
 
 broke open by theeves : At last awaked 
 
 with the noise, and hearing them bustle 
 
 below, he call'd to 'em, saying, honest 
 
 friends, 
 
Citie.~\ 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 219 
 
 friends, / wonder how you can hope to 
 find any thing here in the darke, when I 
 my selfe in the broad day time : with all 
 my search can finde nothing. 
 
 A Question made, in what place 
 a Cuckolds homes should 
 grow. 
 
 ONE desswaded a young man from A Ques- 
 : Hon made, 
 marrying such a Wench, because in what 
 
 ' place a 
 
 she was wantonly given, and would make cuckold's 
 him weare homes. Homes ? (quoth a j shou id 
 
 woman that stood by) I have heard much 
 talke of these homes, but could never 
 be resolved, where they should grow. 
 Another made answer, in regard that 
 they were not visible, she was of opinion 
 they grew in the nape of the necke. 
 Truely, replies the former, perchance so, 
 
 grow. 
 
 and 
 
220 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 and that may be the reason, why my 
 husband zveares out his bands so fast 
 behinde. 
 
 A Citizen 
 and his 
 wife. 
 
 A Citizen and his wife. 
 
 A CITIZEN jealous of his wife, and 
 restraining her of her former 
 liberty, she lovingly demanded the 
 reason thereof, who as kindly resolved 
 her in these words : I vow (sweetheart) 
 though I dare trust thee with all the 
 world, yet I am loth to trust all the 
 world with thee. 
 
 Of one 
 that kept 
 his bed. 
 
 Of one that kept his bed. 
 
 * I A WO Gentlemen meeting, one asked 
 
 the other, whether hee was going ? 
 
 Marry, saith he, to visite such a Gentle- 
 
 man 
 
Ci tie.'] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 221 
 
 man, who keepes his bed. When the 
 other demanded if he were sicke : no, 
 saith he, hee is in very good health, but 
 he hath lately sold all the goods he had in 
 his house, save onely his bed, and that he 
 keepes. 
 
 Of a Collier that tooke Tobacco. 
 
 A COLLIER comming into a Tobacco 
 shoppe, sate him downe, and ob- 
 served two gentlemen, who called either 
 of them for a fresh pipe, and when they 
 had drunke them off, being well ac- 
 quainted with the man of the house, 
 bade him farewell, and they would pay 
 him the next time they came that way. 
 You're welcome Gentlemen, cryes the 
 Tobacco - man, and so let them goe. 
 This done, the Collier calls for his pipe ; 
 
 Of a 
 
 Collier 
 that tooke 
 Tobacco. 
 
 and 
 
222 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 and having whift it off, was walking 
 away without paying : but the man 
 pluckt him backe, and asked him for 
 money. Money ? saith the Collier, why, 
 what dost thou take mee to be ? Marry, 
 quoth the man, by thy habit, I take thee 
 to be a Collier. I tell thee friend, replies 
 the Collier, I have called for Tobacco 
 like a Gentleman, I have drunke it like 
 a Gentleman, and I will pay thee like a 
 Gentleman. Farewell, it shall be the next 
 time that I come this way. 
 
 A Scrivener and his man. 
 
 A Scri- 
 vener a?id 
 his man. 
 
 A YONG Scrivener newly come to 
 
 his trade, reading a Bill of Sale to 
 
 his Master, made according to the forme : 
 
 as I such a one doe passe, grant, demisse, 
 
 make over, &c. all my goods, lands, pos- 
 
 sessions, 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 223 
 
 sessions, moveables, lying in such a place, 
 for such a summe, or summes of money, 
 received to the use, &c. at which very 
 word, a sudden cough tooke him, so that 
 hee was forced to breake off, and made 
 a long pause ; insomuch that his Master 
 growing extremely angry, bad him read 
 on with a mischief e : at which word 
 gathering breath, he proceeded in this 
 manner : to you, and your heires, and 
 their heires males, and to all that shall, 
 or may hereafter issue, &c. 
 
 A Cobler in the White Fryers. 
 
 A COBLER that kept shop under a 
 stall, in the going downe to White 
 Fryers, used to mocke a couple of young 
 Gentlemen, as they went to Schoole, tell- 
 ing them they would be jerked, or that 
 
 A Cobler 
 in the 
 White 
 Friers. 
 
 they 
 
224 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 they had beene whipt, and never could 
 they passe by him without some taunt 
 or other ; whereupon they cast to be re- 
 venged, which thus they brought to 
 passe : one of them got him a pocket 
 Pistoll, charged with powder onely ; the 
 other got a squirt full of blood ; and 
 marching towards Schoole, they spied the 
 Cobler in his shoppe, ready to give them 
 their salutation ; when presently the one 
 plucks out his Pistoll, saying, now vil- 
 laine, I will cry quits with thee, and so 
 discharged it in his face ; the other 
 withall emptied his Squirt, by which he 
 appeared nothing but blood all over. 
 Downe falls the Cobler, away the Lads 
 runne. The report of the Pistoll being 
 heard, in come the neighbours, and such 
 as passe by ; the blood is discovered, and 
 the murther apparant, but the Murther- 
 
 ours 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 225 
 
 ours fled. Surgeons are sent for, the 
 body'es drag'd out of the stall, and 
 searched, but no wound can be found 
 above waste. At last the Surgeons com- 
 ming to open him below, might guesse 
 by the smell, in what danger he was. 
 Hot waters are sent for, and he soone 
 after recovered, but so ashamed of the 
 businesse, that he was never seene in his 
 shop, nor in White Fryers after. 
 
 0?ie jealous of his wife. 
 
 A CITIZEN very jealous of his wife 
 had play'd false, grew into a great 
 melancholy, which brought him to his 
 night -cap. A neighbour of his comming 
 to visit him, demanded of him where his 
 paine troubled him, whether in his head, 
 or in his stomacke, or in his heart, or 
 
 One 
 
 jealous of 
 his wife. 
 
 2 F 
 
 what 
 
226 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part IV. 
 
 what other part of his body : He made 
 answer, that hee felt himselfe sound in 
 all parts outward and inward, save onely 
 he was troubled with a bad Liver. 
 
 One 
 
 charming 
 
 theDevill. 
 
 One charming the DevilL 
 
 A CERTAINE fellow, frighted with an 
 apparition in the night, rose out 
 of his bed in great feare, and began to 
 exorcise it in this manner : If thou beest 
 a good Angell, I know thou wilt not 
 hurt me, because thou canst doe no evill ; 
 or if thou beest the Devill, or his Damme, 
 I hope thou wilt not hurt me neither, 
 because of kindred sake, for I have mar- 
 ried thy sister. 
 
 Of 
 
Citze.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 227 
 
 Of an unskilfull Painter. 
 
 A 
 
 COUNTRY Painter painting a Of an un- 
 
 \ skilfull 
 
 small Parish -Church, made very Painter. 
 
 course worke, and not two words of true 
 Orthography : wherefore he was blamed 
 by one that came to overlooke the Worke, 
 who asked him the reason, why he writ 
 such false English, Alas sir, replies the 
 Painter, you must understand, that this 
 is a poore Village, and they would be 
 loath to goe to the charges of true. 
 
 A "Jest retorted. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN at a low -tide, tak- 
 ing water at White -Fryers staires, 
 divers women were then washing, some 
 of them with their coats tuckt above 
 their knees. Amongst the rest, there 
 
 A Jest 
 retorted. 
 
 was 
 
228 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part IV. 
 
 was a lusty Wench something too high 
 trust up, with a Battle-dore in her hand, 
 beating a Bucke: the Gentleman as he 
 past by to his boate, gave her a clappe 
 on the back -side, and said, I marry 
 wench, there is a plumpe one, I will be 
 judg'd by all the company. She turning 
 her head towards him, made sudden re- 
 ply : truly sir, if you should blow as 
 much winde in there as I have blowne 
 out, you would then say, it were a plumpe 
 one indeede. 
 
 THE 
 
THE SECOND PART OF THE 
 
 CITIE JESTS. 
 
 Lib. II. Part V. 
 
 Of a Barbar. 
 
 \ FELLOW that was trimming, see- 
 ing the Barber (who it seemes had 
 got a cup too much) turne aside, and 
 pisse in the chimney, asked him what 
 reason hee had to offend his shop so, 
 and annoy it with the smell. O no 
 matter, replied the Barber, for I meane 
 to leave it next quarter. Upon these 
 words, the fellow presently finds fault 
 with some linnen that was about him, 
 
 Of a 
 
 Barbar. 
 
 and 
 
230 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 and whilst the Barbar steps up the staires 
 for cleaner, he untrusseth in the Chimney. 
 Which the Barbar at his returne perceiv- 
 ing : now fie for shame friend, saith he, 
 why have you thus play'd the sloven in 
 my shop ? Marry, answered the fellow, 
 you pist in it, because you meant to 
 leave it next quarter, and I have done 
 as you see, because I purpose to leave it 
 by and by. 
 
 An Epitaph upon a scolding 
 Woman. 
 
 An Epi- 
 taph upon j 
 a Scold- 
 ing 
 Woman. 
 
 JJfEE lived one and twentie yeares y 
 
 Like man and wife together. 
 I could no longer keepe her here, 
 
 Sites gone I know not whither. 
 If I could guesse, I doe professe y 
 
 {I speake it not to flatter.) 
 
 Of 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 231 
 
 Of all the women in the world, 
 
 I never would come at her. 
 Her body is bestowed well, 
 
 A handsome grave doth hide her : 
 And sure her soule is not in Hell, 
 
 The Fiend could ner abide her. 
 I thinke she soard tip to the skie, 
 
 For in the last great thunder, 
 Me-thought I heard her voyce on hye, 
 
 Rending the Clouds asunder. 
 
 An unequall Marriage. 
 
 AY O U N G woman married an old An un- 
 , equall 
 man, on the Wedding day was j Marriage. 
 
 very sad and melancholy : which a neigh- 
 bour of hers observing, spake merrily, 
 and said, be of good comfort neighbour, 
 for an old horse will travell as long a 
 journey, as a young one. I, saith she, 
 fetching a great sigh, but not every zvay. 
 
 Of 
 
232 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part V. 
 
 Of two 
 
 Women 
 
 Scolding. 
 
 Of two Women Scolding, 
 
 r I * W O women of loud tongues, and 
 little patience, falling at ods, grew 
 into foule language ; and after many 
 despightfull words, given on both sides, 
 saith the one to the other : come, come 
 Gossip, keepe your tearmes to your selfe ; 
 I can prove thee both a whore, and a 
 thiefe ; and / will maintaine my selfe in 
 all respects, even as good as thou art. 
 
 A woman 
 and her 
 Con- 
 fessour. 
 
 A woman and her Confessour. 
 
 A WOMAN comming before her 
 Ghostly Father, and amongst other 
 things confessing unto him, that the child 
 she had last, was by another man, and 
 not her husband ; he would not absolve 
 her of the fact, under this pennance, that 
 
 she 
 
Ci tie.] 
 
 Modems Jests. 
 
 233 
 
 she should tell him openly to his face, it 
 was not his, which she vowed to per- 
 forme ; and comming home, tooke the 
 child, and pincht it so, that it cryed ex- 
 treamely : then she entreated her hus- 
 band to muffle himselfe in his cloake, 
 and play the Hobgoblin, which the inno- 
 cent man, ignorant of the deceit, was 
 willing to doe. Then she hugg'd and 
 made much of the child in one arme, 
 and with the other thrust off her hus- 
 band, saying, Away thou naughty man, 
 this child is none of thine ; and repeated 
 often, this child is none of thine. The 
 husband perceived not her craft, and the 
 woman thought her pennance, and pro- 
 mise to the Priest, sufficiently performed. 
 
 2 G 
 
 Om 
 
234 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 One that 
 had a 
 Scold to 
 his wife. 
 
 One that had a Scold to his 
 wife. 
 
 /^\NE that had a notorious shrew to 
 his wife, in a great jangling that 
 happened betwixt them, could not con- 
 taine himselfe, but catching up a flaggon 
 pot, gave her a very deepe wound in 
 the head which cost his purse soundly. 
 A little after, the woman sitting amongst 
 her Gossips, said openly, her husband 
 did not dare to breake her head any 
 more, because hee payd so dearely for 
 his last worke. This being told to her 
 husband, hee considered with himselfe, 
 and the next day sent for a Apothecary, 
 and Chirurgion home to his house : who 
 when they were come, called for his wife, 
 in her presence he payd them all to a 
 
 farthing, 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 235 
 
 farthing, and also gave to either of them 
 a Peece, saying this money moreover I 
 deliver you, in earnest of the next cure. 
 
 An Invitation to Dinner. 
 
 (~\ N E neighbour inviting another to 
 dinner, and thinking to expresse 
 a great complement of Hospitality, be- 
 spoke him thus : good neighbour, saith 
 he, come to my house to dine with me, 
 and thus much I promise you, that if 
 you bring your meate along with you, 
 saving for your wine, you shall finde 
 nothing to pay. 
 
 An Invi- 
 tation to 
 Dinner. 
 
 A 
 
236 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part V. 
 
 A Com- 
 pany at 
 Dinner. 
 
 A Company at Dinner. 
 
 A SUDDEN silence being at a table 
 where many guests were sitting 
 at dinner, one amongst them said aloud, 
 why, how now Gentlemen and Gentle- 
 women ? how comes it to passe that 
 there is not one word amongst us all ? 
 I am afraid that some of you sit crosse- 
 legg'd. A young Gentlewoman looking 
 up in his face, replied, it is not I sir, 
 I assure you : for I have something 
 betwixt my legs; meaning the Tressell 
 of the Table. 
 
 Of 
 
Ci tie.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 237 
 
 Of Dicke IVoodwfe and the 
 Sergeants. 
 
 7JICKE WOODROFFE, a man 
 well knowne in this City, being 
 arrested for a round sum of money, 
 seemed to take it patiently, and willingly 
 went with them to the Countergate ; 
 where considering with himself, he in- 
 treated them to drinke one joviall cup 
 with him to cheare his heart, before he 
 entred into that place. The Sergeants, 
 who seldome refuse any wine that comes 
 gratis, embraced his kind proffer : he in 
 the Interim whispered to his man, to 
 fetch him such a quantitie of Suger, and 
 withall so much Rats-bane ; which done, 
 they entred the Taverne, having no small 
 traine attending them. After some Cups 
 
 Of Dicke 
 
 Woodrofe 
 at?d the 
 Sergeants. 
 
 had 
 
2 3 8 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part V. 
 
 had passed round, he called for a great 
 beere bowle, and began a health to his 
 future liberty, which they all pledged : 
 now his man had so ordered the 
 businesse, that they dranke Rats-bane 
 amongst their wine, and Sugar. Well, 
 the health being pledged, he thankes 
 them all, and prepares himself to goe 
 along with them, saying, Whether I am 
 going (thats to the Counter) ye all know, 
 but whether ye are going, that is, either 
 to Heaven or to Hell, God knowes ; for 
 as I am a Gentleman, ye are all 
 poyson'd : at which words they felt a 
 sudden alteration, and were sensible how 
 the poyson began to worke. Sallat-oyle 
 in all haste was sent for, and drunke 
 out of measure : which because they 
 drunke so suddenly, before the poyson 
 had too farre wrought upon them, it 
 
 did 
 
Cttte.~\ 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 239 
 
 did prevaile. The successe thereof was 
 this, he was thrust into prison ; they 
 scaped, but with the losse of some of 
 their nailes, and haire : and amongst the 
 Catch-poles at this day, it is a Proverbe 
 to drink Dick Woodroffes health. 
 
 An answer from a Jaques- 
 Farmer. 
 
 T~"\ I V E R S Gentlemen walking the 
 streets somewhat late, where the 
 Gold-finders were at worke, fie fellowes, 
 say they, what a beastly stinke doe you 
 make ? To whom one of the most 
 ancient amongst them replied, if Gentle- 
 men, you, or such as you, keepe your 
 tailes stopped, you should not now need 
 for to stoppe your noses. 
 
 An 
 
 Answer 
 from a 
 Jaqzies- 
 Farmer. 
 
 A 
 
240 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 \_Part V. 
 
 A Gentleman and a Drawer. 
 
 A Gentle- 
 man and 
 a Drawer. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN crost by a Drawer, 
 & conducted into a Roome two 
 paire of staires high, thought thus to be 
 revenged on him. First, he knocks for 
 the fellow, and bids him draw him a 
 pint of wine, I will, I will sir, answered 
 the Drawer ; but before he was at the 
 lowest step of the 1. paire of staires, 
 he knocks agen aloud for the Drawer, 
 who answered, Anon, anon sir, but came 
 up presently, and asked him what he 
 would have, Drawer, saith he, with the 
 pint of wine bring mee a Chamber-pot. 
 The Drawer ran downe very nimbly, 
 but the Gentleman knockt the third time 
 louder than hee did before, insomuch 
 that he was forced to come up againe, 
 and entring the Roome very angerly, 
 
 asked 
 
Citie.] Modeme Jests. 241 
 
 asked him what he wanted ; Nothing, 
 
 
 saith the Gentleman, but this, I called 
 
 
 thee first up, to bring a pint of Wine, 
 
 
 the second time, to bring me a Chamber- 
 
 
 pot, and now I would intreate thee, that 
 
 
 thou wouldst not bring the wine up in the 
 
 
 Chamber-pot. 
 
 
 A Welchman Arraigned. 
 
 
 A WELCHMAN travelVd by the way, j a Welch- 
 
 jfjL man Ar- 
 
 And found a Cow which did not , raigncd. 
 
 stay ; 
 
 Thought he, shes faire, fat, and well \ 
 
 growne, 
 
 
 Fie make tise of her as mine owne ; 
 
 
 He did so, takes her, and was tooke, 
 
 
 As she was tolling at the Booke. 
 
 
 Arraign' d he was, condemn y d and hist, 
 
 
 With an hot iron in the fist. 
 
 
 2 H One 
 
242 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 One meeting turn, demanded how, 
 He did, since stealing of the Cow ; 
 And seeing still his wound was raw. 
 To tell him how he lift d the Law. 
 The Law, the Welchman soone reply ed, 
 Hath quit her both of home and hide : 
 And now hur selfe well understand, 
 Hur hath the Law in hur owne hand. 
 
 A 
 
 Countrey 
 man com- 
 ming to 
 enquire 
 after a 
 Gentle- 
 man. 
 
 A Countrey man comming to 
 enquire after a Gentleman. 
 
 A PLAIN E Countrey fellow comming 
 up to London, was requested to 
 enquire after such a Gentleman, dwelling 
 in such a place, and to deliver him a 
 Letter. The countrey man comes to the 
 house according to direction, and askes 
 for such a Gentleman. Now it fortuned 
 that the Gentleman himselfe came to the 
 
 doore, 
 
Citie. 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 243 
 
 doore, and willing to have some sport 
 with the fellow told him that he had 
 lost his labour ; for the Party after whom 
 he did enquire, was hang'd the last Ses- 
 sions at Tyburne for a Robbery. For 
 a Robbery ? quoth the Country fellow. 
 Now fye upon him for a wicked man, 
 Was he not content to be a notorious 
 Cuckold f for so he was thought in the 
 Country, but must hee prove theefe also ? 
 
 Of two vying wits together. 
 
 ' I * W O Gentlemen contending at a 
 meeting, which should put forth 
 the best Jests, many witty conceits passed 
 betweene them : but in the conclusion, 
 one of them put such a taunt upon the 
 other, that it dasht him quite out of 
 countenance, insomuch that hee remained 
 
 Of 
 
 two vying 
 wits to- 
 gether. 
 
 silent 
 
244 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part V. 
 
 silent for a great while. The company, 
 then present laughed outright, saying 
 that hee had strucke him dead, as 
 Sampson did the Philistines. The other 
 presently taking hold of these words, 
 made answere. True indeede, I received 
 that blow, by the Jaw-bone of an Asse. 
 
 O/a 
 
 Physitian 
 and a 
 Farrier. 
 
 Of a Physitian and a Farrier. 
 
 A DOCTOR of Physicke sent to a 
 Farrier, to come and give his 
 horse a Drench, which he did accord- 
 ingly : whereupon the Doctor drew forth 
 his Purse, to give him satisfaction ; but 
 the Farrier modestly refused it, saying 
 by no meanes sir, It is not seemely, that 
 we which are of the same profession, should 
 take money one of another. 
 
Cztze.'] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 245 
 
 A greeting betwixt two Gentle- 
 men. 
 
 A 
 
 GENTLEMAN much indebted, | *«"*- 
 
 I ing be- 
 
 that durst not walke the streetes, j twixttw 
 
 1 Gentle- 
 
 for feare of Arrest, tooke a lodging in ] mm. 
 Fullers Rents ; where an acquaintance of j 
 his taking his oppertunity to visit him, 
 sent up his name, and was presently ad- 
 mitted : who, after a loving Salutation, 
 bespoke him thus, Now praysed be God 
 sir, you are as safe here, as in a Sanc- 
 tuary. I, replyes the other, true indeede 
 Sir, otherwise I should not have seene you 
 here. 
 
 A 
 
246 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part V. 
 
 A Jest 
 well re- 
 torted. 
 
 A Jest well retorted. 
 
 r I ^HE Father of our English Poets, 
 meditating one morning in Grays- 
 Inne walkes, three or foure gallants espy- 
 ing him, saith one to the other, yonder 
 walkes such a man, let us walke up to 
 him, and you shall heare how I will Jeere 
 him. Some were unwilling in regard of 
 his Age (whereto some reverence be- 
 longed :) but this Gallant after a scorne- 
 full salutation, asked him what idle fancie 
 out of Homer hee was ruminating of, 
 demanding likewise many foolish and 
 frivolous questions, and still pressing 
 upon him to know what idle Poeticall 
 fable he thought of. At length after a 
 short pause, he returned answere thus : 
 Indeed sir my minde was busied in a 
 better meditation, for I was thinking on 
 
 the 
 
Citie.~] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 247 
 
 the 9. verse, of the 39. Psalme which as 
 I remember, is to this purpose. 
 For all the sinnes that I have done 
 
 Lord quite me out of hand, 
 And make me not a scorne to fooles, 
 That nothing understand. 
 
 The good advise of an Host. 
 
 A COMPANY of my Acquaintance 
 comming to an Inne in Cambridge 
 and having stayd somewhat long, some 
 of them desired the rest of their com- 
 pany to make hast, for they must bee 
 gone. Why, saith the Host, the best way 
 to be gone is to drinke hard. 
 
 The good 
 advise of 
 an Host. 
 
 A 
 
248 
 
 Merry Tales. [Part V. 
 
 
 A Woman the Weaker VesselL 
 
 A Woman 
 the 
 
 Weaker 
 VesselL 
 
 A COOPER beate his wife with a 
 Hoope, for pissing her bed ; when 
 
 
 the Neighbours to reconcile him to her, 
 
 
 told him she was the weaker vessell. 
 
 
 Therefore (quoth he) doe I hoope her y be- 
 
 
 cause she should hold water. 
 
 
 A man with one eye. 
 
 A man 
 ■with one 
 eye. 
 
 A FELLOW with one eye being 
 abroad about his businesse, his wife 
 
 
 in his absence entertained another man : 
 
 
 but so it happened that her husband 
 
 
 came home, and entred the Roome be- 
 
 
 fore the loving couple expected him. At 
 
 
 whose presence the woman greatly abash- 
 
 
 ed, rose up, and running to her husband, 
 
 
 clapt her hand upon the eye he could 
 
 see 
 
Ci tie.'] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 249 
 
 see with, saying, husband I dreamt just 
 now that you could see as well with the 
 other eye, as with this : pray tell me : 
 meane while her friend slipt out of 
 doores. 
 
 A Knavish Jest. 
 
 T 
 
 WO Gentlemen wrangling at Cards, I A 
 
 , Knavish 
 
 the one told the other he was a ; Jest. 
 
 knave : and sir sayes the other you are 
 a Court Carde too, yet neither King nor 
 Oueene. 
 
 A caveat for Marriage. 
 
 A WOMAN fair e I dare not wed, 
 For feare I weare Acteons head. 
 A Woman blacke is alwayes ftrotid, 
 A Woman little alwayes loude. 
 
 A caveat 
 for Mar- 
 riage. 
 
 2 I 
 
250 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 On the 
 trees in 
 
 Moore- 
 fields. 
 
 The 
 
 Answer e. 
 
 A Woman that is full of growth, 
 
 Is alwayes subject unto sloth. 
 So faire, or foule ; little, or tally 
 
 Some fault remaines among them all. 
 
 On the trees in Moore-fields. 
 
 Jy^IND Citizens, I wish these trees may 
 
 grow, 
 Even as your homes but make a fairer 
 
 shew. 
 Those homes are never seene, nor hurt 
 
 the head, 
 That are engrafted on a feather-bed. 
 
 The Answere. 
 
 *7~* H U dull, invective, inconsiderate 
 
 Asse, 
 Who set these trees, perhaps thy Father was. 
 
 Was 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 251 
 
 Was not thy Mother a Woman Free to 
 game f 
 
 Wanton and lewd as ariy London Dame? 
 
 Quicke without rod y and free without a 
 spurre ; 
 
 And thou, thy selfe (no doubt) some Cuck- 
 olds curre. 
 
 In Tobacconistam. 
 
 1\/T VCH meate doth Gluttony produce. 
 And makes a man a Swine ; 
 But he's a temperate man indeede 
 
 That on a leafe can dine. 
 He needes no Napkin for his hands 
 
 His fingers for to wipe ; 
 He hath his Kitchin in a Box, 
 His roast meate in a Pipe. 
 
 In Tobac- 
 conistam. 
 
 Of 
 
252 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 Of a new- 
 married 
 woman 
 that call'd 
 her 
 
 Husband 
 Cuckold. 
 
 Of a new-married woman that 
 calVd her Husband Cuckold. 
 
 A WENCH new marry' d, within 
 
 three dayes space, 
 Did call her husband Cuckold to his face. 
 Her husband taking it in great disdaine. 
 Thereof did to her mother straight com- 
 
 plaine. 
 Her mother rages; ah, base Drab, she 
 
 sayes ! 
 What, call thy husband Cuckold in three 
 
 dayes ? 
 Thy Father hath beene Cuckold, tis 
 
 knowne well, 
 These twenty yeares, yet I durst neere 
 
 it tell. 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Modeme Jests. 
 
 253 
 
 A Woman beating her husband. 
 
 O 
 
 F late a Woman fiercely did assaile 
 
 A 
 
 Woman 
 
 Her husband with sharp tongue, and \ bating 
 
 her 
 
 husband. 
 
 sharper naile. 
 But one that heard and saw it to her 
 
 sayd, 
 Why doe you use him thus ? he is your 
 
 head. 
 He is my head indeede, saith she, tis true : 
 Sir I may scratch my head, and so may 
 
 you. 
 
 On a Scold. 
 
 no man can \ On a 
 
 Scold. 
 
 TTERE lyes a Woman 
 deny it ; 
 She rests in peace, although she liv'd un 
 quiet. 
 
 Her 
 
254 
 
 Witty . Jeeves. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 Of two 
 Tylers. 
 
 Her husband prayes, if by her grave you 
 
 walke, 
 You'd gently tread : for if shee Wake, 
 
 shee'le talke. 
 
 Of two Tylers. 
 
 ' I A W0 Tylers working together upon 
 one roofe, the one called to the 
 other, and asked him if he were not 
 ashamed to doe his worke so lightly, 
 considering that they were to bee well 
 payd for their paines : O (replyes the 
 other) thou art a foole : If we worke 
 well to day, we may chance beg to mor- 
 row. 
 
 Of 
 
Ct tie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 255 
 
 A 
 
 Of light gold. 
 
 COUNTERY Gentleman comes to 
 a Gold-smiths shop in Cheapeside, 
 and askes him if he can helpe him to a 
 hundred pounds in gold, for so much 
 white money : he told him that he could, 
 but withall asked him for what use hee 
 would have it. Marry (quoth the Gentle- 
 man) I am to ride downe into the 
 Country, and I would have it for light- 
 nesse. For lightnesse ? sayd the Gold- 
 smith ? and I presume I can fit you at 
 this time, no man in the row better : so 
 told him out the summe in light gold ; 
 which the Gentleman receiving without 
 weight, when he came into the Country, 
 he could not put it off without seven 
 pounds, and odde money losse. Where- 
 fore at his next returne to London, he 
 
 Of light 
 gold. 
 
 came 
 
256 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part V. 
 
 came to the Goldsmith, and demanded 
 satisfaction ; but he told him that he had 
 done him no injury at all ; for (saith he) 
 you desired to have gold for the light- 
 nesse, and I am of opinion, that few in 
 towne could have furnishl you with any 
 lighter. 
 
 Horses to Let, 
 
 Horses to 
 Let. 
 
 A COUNTRY fellow riding to Lon- 
 don, and casting his eyes by 
 chance upon a signe, read there these 
 words, Here are Horses to Let, 1633, 
 which was the yeare the signe was first 
 set up in. When presently turning to 
 his companion, saith he, so many horses 
 in one place to be hired ? I much mar- 
 vaile how they doe for stable -roome. 
 
 One 
 
Ci tie.'] 
 
 Modcrne Jests. 
 
 257 
 
 One cut downe his Pumpe being 
 stopt with stones. 
 
 TLE cut it downe \ He downe witlit by 
 
 this handy 
 If 'twill not runne, it shall no longer 
 
 stand. 
 Me thinkes he might have let his Pumpc 
 
 alone : 
 How could it water make y wherit had the 
 
 stone ? 
 
 Of a Welchman to pay a 
 reckoning. 
 
 A WELCHMAN in his heat of 
 
 blood, broke another fellowes head 
 
 in the streete, and apprehended for it, 
 
 before he could get away, they made 
 
 2 K 
 
 One cut 
 
 downe his 
 Pumpe 
 being stopt 
 with, 
 stones. 
 
 Of a 
 Welch- 
 man to 
 pay a 
 reckoning. 
 
 him 
 
258 Witty Jeeves. {Part V. 
 
 him pay ten groates : which done he 
 comes to a Cookes-shop, calls for what 
 he likes, and falling into discourse with 
 the man of the house, relates to him 
 the fore-past story, how they had made 
 him pay ten groates for breaking a scald, 
 rascally knaves cockscombe. The good 
 man told him, so much was the Mulct 
 for bloodshed, nothing to be bated. Well 
 this past on, and at last when hee had 
 satisfied himselfe, he ask't what was to 
 pay. Answere was made, there was to 
 pay, just five groates. Five groat ? 
 replyes the Welchman ; fery well. I 
 have no money now ; breake hur head, 
 and bring hur the rest. 
 
 Lucie s 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 259 
 
 Lucies maintenance. 
 
 'T^HE Y that take paines shall get, the 
 
 Proverbe goes : 
 Lucie takes pleasure, yet doth nothing lose. 
 Poore labouring Porters with much paine 
 
 and sweate, 
 Scarse get stifficient victualls for to eate : 
 But if that Luce at any time doth lacke, 
 She with her belly can releeve her back. 
 
 Of a Madman in Bedlam. 
 
 Lucies 
 mainte- 
 nance. 
 
 A 
 
 YOUNG woman comming to Bed- | Of a Mad- 
 man in 
 lam with other of her Neighbours, Bedlam. 
 
 to observe the fashions and behaviours 
 of those wretched people, saw a man 
 (as she then thought) somewhat more 
 distracted than the rest, and taking com- 
 passion of him, supposing with her selfe, 
 
 that 
 
260' 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 that jealousy or some such like fancie 
 had occasioned his frenzie, she askt 
 him if hee were not married. Marry'd ? 
 saith he, looking stedfastly upon her, no 
 indeede Gentlewoman, I would have you 
 to think, / am not so mad yet. 
 
 Of a rich Citizen and his 
 sonne. 
 
 Of a rich 
 Citizen 
 and his 
 
 A WEALTHY Citizen desirous to 
 x make his sonne a Gentleman, put 
 
 him to one of the Innes of the Court, 
 to studdie the Law : but being neither 
 capable of that nor scarce of common 
 sence ; it happened that in discourse 
 with a Gentleman of the same house, 
 he held a very absur'd argument : where- 
 upon the other desired him to render 
 him some reason of that which he spoke. 
 
 What 
 
Ci tie.'] 
 
 Modeme Jests. 
 
 261 
 
 What reason should I give you ? replyes 
 the young Gull. Will you have a reason 
 of the sunne ? the Gentleman makes 
 answere : most sure I am, that if the 
 reasons of the Father be no better 
 than the reasons of the sonne, You may 
 both goe very well together for a couple 
 of Coxcombes. 
 
 Of a JVench belonging to 
 Hollands Leaguer. 
 
 * I ^WO Gentlemen came to the Leager 
 on the Banck-side, desirous to see 
 the fashion of the place ; and knocking 
 at the gates for entrance, out comes a 
 young lisping Girle, newly entertained 
 in thither from the Countery. Sayes one 
 of them unto her, I prethee sweet heart 
 is thy Mistresse within ? the plaine Wench 
 
 Of a 
 Wench 
 belonging 
 to 
 
 Hollands 
 Leaguer. 
 
 that 
 
26: 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 that would have sayd, her Mistresse was 
 abroad (but not able to pronounce R) 
 answered him, Tritely sir my Mistresse 
 is a Bawde. We make no doubt of it, 
 replyes the Gentlemen, that being the 
 chiefe of our comming. The Wench 
 blushing at her mistake ran in, and they 
 taking the advantage of the open gate, 
 followed after, because they would not 
 lose their labour. 
 
 A drunken mans mistake. 
 
 A 
 
 drunken 
 
 mans 
 
 mistake. 
 
 /^VNE Moone-shine night in hard frosty 
 weather, a Water-man that was 
 drunke sate downe on the shoare neere 
 Tower-warfe, at a low tide, and falling 
 a sleepe slept so long till the tide came 
 in, and flowed by degrees even up to 
 his mouth, the moone shining in his 
 
 face ; 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 263 
 
 face ; whereupon suddainely wakening, 
 he sayd, No more drinke now I thanke 
 you heartily ; but a few more cloathcs 
 if you please, and then put out the Candle. 
 
 A French-mans observations. 
 
 A FRENCH Gentleman having lived 
 some good while in England, at 
 his returne was demanded what notable 
 things he had seene and observed there. 
 Why, saith he, at Court the ordinary 
 people drinke in bootes, (meaning blacke 
 Jackes) eate raw fish (meaning Oysters,) 
 and strew their roomes with Hay, (mean- 
 ing rushes.) 
 
 A Fre?ich- 
 man's ob- 
 servations. 
 
 A 
 
264 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part V. 
 
 A modest 
 Answere. 
 
 A pretty 
 shift. 
 
 A modest Answere. 
 
 /^\NE sollicking another mans wife 
 to unlawfull lust ; she sayd : sir, 
 as long as I was a mayd, I obeyed 
 my Parents ; and now that I am a Wife 
 I obey my Husband : therefore if your 
 request be honest and reasonable, I pray 
 goe move it to my husband : for I assure 
 you, I will doe nothing of importance 
 zuithout his consent. 
 
 A pretty shift. 
 
 A MERRY conceited fellow drinking 
 with some Comrades on a Sunday, 
 in time of Divine Service, it chanced that 
 the Church- Wardens came abroad, knockt, 
 and entred the house where they were. 
 His companions suspecting the businesse, 
 
 slunk 
 
Citie?\ 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 265 
 
 slunk away. But he, resolved not to 
 part from the chimney corner, that cold 
 winter morning, craftily muffled himselfe 
 in his cloake, and counterfeited himselfe 
 a Grecian, answering nothing but pavure 
 Christiane to all that was asked him. 
 The Officers not once dreaming what a 
 cousening knave was before them, mis- 
 taking him for a very Forreiner, left 
 him where they found him ; thinking 
 him to have more neede of pitty then 
 punishment : so when their backs were 
 turned, he laughed heartily at the jest, 
 and fell to his tipple againe. 
 
 Women commending their 
 husbands. 
 
 /"^ERTAINE Gossips tatling together, 
 
 each of them commended her 
 
 owne husband for some one quality or 
 
 Women 
 commend- 
 ing their 
 husbands. 
 
 2 L 
 
 other. 
 
266 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 other. One commended hers for being a 
 good Scholler ; another hers for a proper 
 man ; and a third extolled hers for his 
 birth and Gentility ; till at last one 
 amongst the rest, that never had child, 
 thanked God that she also had a very 
 good husband, and one that was en- 
 dowed with many good parts ; for he 
 could write, and reade, and cast account, 
 &c. Tis true Neighbour, saith one of 
 the company, we know he hath all these 
 good parts, and more ; but yet he cannot 
 multiply. 
 
 None but fooles refuse money 
 offered them. 
 
 None but 
 
 fooles 
 
 refuse 
 
 money 
 
 offered 
 
 them. 
 
 \ WOMAN told her husband in 
 
 jeasting manner, that shee might 
 
 have had a twenty shillings peece from 
 
 a Gentleman to let him lye with her. 
 
 What 
 
Citie.~] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 267 
 
 What a foole wert thou, quoth her hus- 
 band, not to take it ? with that putting 
 her hand into her pocket, shee pulls out 
 a twenty -shillings peece, and shewing it 
 sayd : Yes I am a foole, am I not hus- 
 band ? I am a foole I warrant you. 
 You may well imagine the man grew 
 home mad. 
 
 A Woman called her husband 
 Cuckold neately. 
 
 A CERTAINE pleasant fellow would 
 needes undertake one day, to name 
 all the Cuckolds in the towne : Fie, fie, 
 quoth his wife, for shame give over : but 
 he still going on, she cryed out, Nay 
 tritely husband, you are such another man. 
 
 A 
 
 Woman 
 called her 
 husband 
 Cuckold 
 neately. 
 
268 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part V. 
 
 A Jest of 
 the Sonne 
 ttpon the 
 Father. 
 
 A yest of the Sonne upon the 
 Father. 
 
 A N old Knight of good quality, being 
 one day at dinner in a Taverne 
 with some other Gentlemen, and a sonne 
 of his, they had amongst other meates an 
 Eele to dinner, which when the reckon- 
 ing came up, was rated at a very high 
 prize. The Knight tooke great excep- 
 tions at the deerenesse of the Eele, and 
 was very much offended at it. But so it 
 happened that at the very instant there 
 came by the dead corps of an honour- 
 able Lady, between whom in her life time, 
 and this Knight there had bin great 
 friendship. Whereupon at first sight 
 of it, not able to containe himselfe, hee 
 burst out into teares, and expressed his 
 
 griefe 
 
Ci tie.] 
 
 Modenie Jests. 
 
 269 
 
 griefe somewhat passionately. His son 
 sitting by him, (being a very ingenious 
 gentleman, and full of conceite) sud- 
 dainely tooke his father by the Arme, 
 saying, I beseech you sir, forbeare your 
 teares, least the Drawer thinke yon weepe 
 for the deerenesse of the Eele : which con- 
 ceite put all the company into a great 
 laughter. 
 
 A London Taylour. 
 
 A LONDON Taylour, going one Va- 
 cation into the Country, to gather 
 up some debts among his customers, was 
 very brave in his apparell, and carryed 
 himself (where he thought he was not 
 known) as if he had beene a man of 
 good qualitie. But being discovered, a 
 merry copanion in his company, drunk 
 
 A London 
 Taylour. 
 
270 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 How an 
 
 Old 71ICUI 
 
 lost his 
 sonnes. 
 
 a whole great cup of sack to him, which 
 the Taylor endevouring to pledg, drink 
 not off. 6 S r said th' other, winde up your 
 bottome : but he making a stand at it ; 
 the Gentleman adds further, alas, it is 
 but a thimble full. 
 
 How an old man lost his 
 sonnes. 
 
 r I ^ HERE was an old Gentleman, a 
 great company-keeper, whom many 
 young Gallants (that were no way allayed 
 to him) for Jiis age and gravitie, called 
 Father. On a time this ancient Gentle- 
 man being in Holborne when the con- 
 demned Prisoners were going from New- 
 gate, towards execution ; one of them 
 espying him, desiring that the cart might 
 be stayed, and calling to him by the 
 
 name 
 
Cttie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 271 
 
 name of father, wisht to speake with 
 him : who when hee came, the Prisoner 
 onely tooke his leave of him, and desired 
 to be recommended to such and such of 
 his old companions, and so away went 
 the Cart. Well said the old Gentleman, 
 I have had many sonnes in this towne, 
 and missing them, could never tell what 
 became of them till now : and now I see 
 which way they goe. 
 
 A hard match. 
 
 A GOOD fellow that had tippled liber- 
 ally ; till his head was fuller of 
 liquor than discretion, as hee went along 
 the streets, hapned in the darke to runne 
 against the post, and conceiving it to be 
 some man that affronted him, fell upon 
 it with his fists, beating all the skinne 
 
 A hard 
 match. 
 
 Off 
 
272 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part V. 
 
 off on his hands, and knuckles. One 
 comming by, demanded of him what he 
 meant : why, this Rascally knave (quoth 
 hee) this Totterdemallion here, jostles me, 
 and will not let me passe quietly. Alas 
 sir, replyed the other, you are mistaken, 
 it is a Poast. A Poast ? saith he, a-a 
 Poxe on him, why did hee not blow his 
 home then ? 
 
 Ay est 
 upon a 
 Taylor. 
 
 A Jest upon a Taylor. 
 
 A TAYLOR riding upon a mare in 
 the High -way, was met by two 
 others, a Sayler, and a Draper : who, 
 before he was upon them, saith the Say- 
 ler ; see, yonder is a man on horseback. 
 But the Draper knowing him, and the 
 beast hee rid on ; said, friend you are 
 much mistaken, for hee is a Taylor, 
 
 therefore 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Modeme Jests. 
 
 273 
 
 therefore no man, and he rides upon a 
 Mare y therefore hee is not on horse-backe. 
 
 The Taylors retort upon the 
 Draper. 
 
 r I "* H E Tayler overhearing him, and 
 knowing who he was, demanded 
 of him, if he knew how the Proverbe 
 came first up, that three Taylers go to 
 a man ? He answered no : why then I 
 will tell you, replies the Tayler : So it 
 hapned, that three Taylors meeting upon 
 the high-way with a broken Draper ; 
 (even by accident as we do now;) The 
 Draper laid open his wants to them : 
 they commiserating his case, put their 
 hands into their pockets, and so liberally 
 relieved him, that he after set up his 
 trade, and grew rich againe : and surely 
 
 The 
 
 Taylors 
 retort 
 tipo?i the 
 Draper. 
 
 2 M 
 
 from 
 
274 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 from hence first came the Proverbe, that 
 three Taylors goe to the making up of one 
 man. And thus he payed him home in 
 his owne coyne. 
 
 Of a red 
 
 Face. 
 
 Of a red Face. 
 
 A MAN of a cleare Visage, meeting 
 another with a very high colour, 
 said to him, Sir, you have a very red 
 face : true (answered he) I have so, 
 yet I scorne to doe as thou dost. How 
 is that ? replied the other. Marry, saith 
 he, to make no difference betwixt my 
 nose and my tayle, but to weare them 
 both of one complexion. 
 
Ci tie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 275 
 
 A Jest put on a Drawer. 
 
 o 
 
 NE meeting a Drawer with his belt, j A 7 est 
 
 or rather, sur-single about him, a Drawer. 
 
 full of Pines, Quarts, and Pottles ; said 
 
 to his friend, see, there goes a Pot- 
 companion. 
 
 A Bakers wife and her Sweet- 
 heart. 
 
 A BAKERS wife in absence of her 
 husband, entertained a Paramour 
 of hers : but her good man comming 
 home unexpectedly before his houre, she 
 bade her friend step aside, and hide 
 him selfe in the Hoggs-stie, which he 
 did, and troubling the Swine at their 
 rest, they began to grunt, and make a 
 great noyse ; insomuch that the husband 
 
 A Bakers 
 wife and 
 her Sweet- 
 heart. 
 
 hearing 
 
2j6 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 \_Part V. 
 
 hearing it, began to wonder, and suspect 
 something: wherefore stepping aside to 
 the place (it being then night) he asked 
 who was there : the fellow answered 
 nothing, but grunted like one of the 
 Hogges. But the other more earnestly 
 clamoured, who is there ? and what art 
 thou ? At last the fellow, forgetting 
 himselfe through feare, answered, I am 
 one of thy Hogs. The husband thinking 
 the devill had spoke in one of his Swine, 
 greatly affrighted, ran into the house to 
 fetch a light, which the cunning Wench 
 delayed with all the excuses she could 
 make, till her friend had time sufficient 
 to quit the place, and then she was very 
 forward to assist her husband in his 
 search. But when they found no body, 
 she began to blame his vaine jealousie, 
 and said, fie, what a blockhead are you, 
 
 that 
 
Citie.~] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 277 
 
 that can not distinguish an Hogge from 
 an Whoremaster. 
 
 A pretty mistake. 
 
 A GENTLEWOMAN having beene 
 abroad with her man in the City, 
 finding her stomacke not well, called 
 by the way to another of { her familier 
 acquaintance ; who lovingly entertained 
 her, calling for a chaire, and seeming 
 glad of her kinde visite. The Gentle- 
 woman was no sooner seated, but said, 
 I pray you can you helpe me to some 
 hot water ? She simply answered her 
 againe : I am sorry truely, that you 
 came not a little sooner : for but now, 
 there was a whole Kittle full seething 
 on the fire. 
 
 A pretty 
 mistake. 
 
 A 
 
278 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 A Jest 
 returned. 
 
 A yest returned. 
 
 A N Upholster had a daughter, hand- 
 some, and marriageable, whose 
 name was Martha ; but for brevities sake 
 they commonly called her Mat. Now 
 so it hapned, that one comming to buy 
 a Mat for his bed, could not be fitted 
 with one to his liking : wherefore the 
 good man, to put a tricke upon him, 
 called downe his daughter, and said to 
 him, friend, you have disliked a great 
 many, here is now another : I pray tell 
 me, what doe you thinke of this Mat ? 
 Even as of the rest, replied the Customer : 
 I come not to trade here for wares at 
 second hand : if possible I could, / would 
 have a Mat that zvas never lame upon. 
 
 Of 
 
CitteJ] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 279 
 
 Of a Lawyer and a Constable. 
 
 A COUNSELLOUR of Law being 
 very pleasant at a Taverne in 
 SmitMeld, with divers of his friends, 
 their purpose was to make a night of it, 
 and be merry till the morning. And 
 having store of lights, and withall being 
 somewhat loud, a Constable knockt at 
 the doore, and was let in : who when 
 he saw them to be men of fashion, he 
 intreated them either to depart the house, 
 or to make lesse noise. But the Lawyer 
 stood upon his tearmes, saying, they were 
 in their lodging, from whence his power 
 could not remove them ; and withall, so 
 farre sleighted him, calling him good- 
 man Constable, and giving him other op- 
 probrious languages, that he tooke leave 
 of them, and bid them good night : who 
 
 Of a 
 
 Lawyet 
 and a 
 Constable. 
 
 was 
 
280 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 was no sooner gone, but they jeared his 
 simplicitie, which he over-heard, and 
 some an houre and halfe after comming 
 to the doore, beate at it as loud as hee 
 was able : at which extraordinary noise, 
 the Lawyer and his company came 
 downe, and with the good man of the 
 house, demanded what the matter was. 
 The Constable made answer, that a sad 
 disaster had hapned, and that a man was 
 killed in the lower end of the field, en- 
 treating them, as they were Gentlemen, 
 to goe along with him, and instruct him 
 what in that case he were best to doe. 
 Presently they called for their cloakes, 
 to goe with the Constable ; but no sooner 
 were they out of doores, but hee with a 
 strong Watch apprehended them, and 
 said ; Now Mr. Lawyer, I will shew you 
 a tricke for your learning ; and having 
 
 tooke 
 
Ci He.'] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 281 
 
 tooke you out of your Castle, I will make 
 bold to carry you to the Counter. 
 
 Two Doctors of Physicke and 
 a Chamber-pot. 
 
 nPWO Doctors of Physicke walking 
 early in a morning together, a 
 Chambermaide out of a window, emptied 
 a Pis-pot on their heads, and cry'd them 
 mercy ; whereat one of them was very 
 angry ; but the other was of a milder 
 temper, said, Fellow Doctor, though wee 
 are Physitians, let us at this time be 
 Patients : for the amends is where the 
 injury begun ; upon our owne heads. 
 And withall, calling to the Wench, he 
 said ; art not thou ashamed, being none 
 of your Calling, to offer to cast a water 
 before two Doctors f 
 
 Two 
 
 Doctors of 
 Physicke 
 and a 
 
 Chamber- 
 
 2 N 
 
 Of 
 
282 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 Of a 
 
 Grocer 
 that broke. 
 
 Ofa 
 
 Barber 
 new 
 
 married. 
 
 Of a Grocer that broke. 
 
 A CERTAINE Grocer, whose trading 
 failed, (as it is a common calami- 
 tie now a-dayes) broke, and was clapt up 
 in prison ; where divers of his neighbours 
 comming to see him, asked him how 
 hee, who was alwayes reputed rich and 
 wealthy, could come to be imprisoned 
 for debt ; demanding likewise, wherein 
 his losses did accrew to him. O, saith 
 he, I have lost by Tobacco, I have lost 
 by Suger, and I have lost by many 
 things : but it was Mace which gave me 
 the last fatall blow, that sunke me. 
 
 Of a Barber new married. 
 
 \ SPRUCE Barber having married a 
 young smugge Lasse, and presum- 
 ing on his wit (the same that he was used 
 
 to 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 283 
 
 to vent upon his customers, when they 
 were trimming :) on the Wedding night 
 they were no sooner layd in bed, and 
 the company gone ; but hee thinking 
 to put a tricke upon her, because he 
 thought her somewhat simple, made 
 proffer to rise from her. She asked him 
 his reason. Hee made answer, because 
 he tooke her to be a Virgin, and was 
 loth to put her to too much paines, he 
 had an instrument in his Case, which he 
 would instantly fetch, to prevent all such 
 inconveniences. She, when she heard this, 
 clasped him close in her armes, and said, 
 sweet husband lye downe againe, there 
 is no such need ; my fathers Journey- 
 man hath taken such order with me, 
 many moneths agoe, that you may very 
 well spare that labour. 
 
 Of 
 
284 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 \_Part V. 
 
 Of a Lock- 
 smith and 
 his wife. 
 
 Of a Locksmith and his wife. 
 
 A LOCK-SMITH jealous of his wife, 
 and that not without cause, had 
 often read her Lectures, telling her how 
 precious a womans chastitie was, and 
 how honourable the state of matrimoney. 
 And being best acquainted with his owne 
 trade, hee would draw his comparisons 
 from that : when thinking to hit the naile 
 on the head, hee proceeded to hammer 
 out his minde, as followeth : Women 
 ought to keepe a latch upon the doore, 
 their breasts bolted, their hearts lockt, 
 and double lockt, their bodies neither to 
 be wrested by force, nor opened by pick- 
 locks, and the like. She being vexed 
 with the tediousnesse of his talke, brooke 
 out into passion, and said, here is a coile 
 indeede with your barres, your bolts, and 
 
 your 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 285 
 
 your locks ; when there is not a Tapster, 
 nor an Oaster, that I know, but hath as 
 good a key, as the best Smith of you all, 
 to open. 
 
 A Tobacco man and his wife. 
 
 T N Christmas time, one that sold To- 
 bacco, went to the Temple, to ven- 
 ture his money at play : wherefore his 
 wife thinking him safe for the greatest 
 part of that night, had entertained a 
 friend, who was no sooner in her cham- 
 ber, but another of her Customers knockt 
 at the doore ; and she for a sudden shift, 
 was faine to convey the first to the top 
 of the Bed-teaster. The second was no 
 sooner received, but her husband him- 
 self knockt, then she made him creepe 
 under the bed, and thinking all safe let 
 
 A To- 
 bacco man 
 and his 
 wife. 
 
 him 
 
286 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part V. 
 
 him in, who making himselfe unready, 
 went with his wife to take their rest. 
 But as soone as he was lay'd, hee fetched 
 a great sigh, and she demanded the 
 cause. O wife, saith he, I have had very 
 bad luck to night, for I have lost all my 
 mony. Now fie, his wife replied, you 
 will be still playing the ill husband ; but 
 who doe you thinke will pay it you 
 backe ? Why ? I hope, saith he, hee 
 that is above will in time doe that. 
 Which he upon the Teaster hearing, and 
 thinking he was discovered, leaped downe, 
 saying, indeede neighbour, I that was above 
 the bed, will be willing to pay the one 
 halfe, so that hee which is under the bed, 
 will pay the other. 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 287 
 
 A Witty yeare. 
 
 A CURATE, or Reader that had 
 received some affront from the 
 prime Parishioners, in reading that Verse 
 of one of the Psalmes : A man without 
 understanding, may be compared to the 
 beasts that perish ; he said, A man with- 
 out understanding may be compared to the 
 best in the Parish. 
 
 A Witty 
 yeare. 
 
 An easie mistake. 
 
 r I A H R E E or foure good fellowes 
 amidst their Cups, growing some- 
 what devoutly minded, began to talke 
 of what should become of their bodies, 
 after their decease. Saith one of them, 
 if it please God, when I am dead, I 
 purpose to be buried in such a Parish, 
 
 An easie 
 mistake. 
 
 where 
 
288 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 where my father, and my mother, and a 
 great many of our kindred lye : for there 
 was I borne, and brought up. And saith 
 the second, I for the same reason, will 
 be buried in such a Parish. Then saith 
 the third, I in such a Parish. Then 
 saith the fourth, and if it please God to 
 send me life a7id healthy I will be buried 
 in Shore-ditch. 
 
 A 
 
 countrey 
 fellotv 
 speaking 
 of cm 
 Homily. 
 
 A Countrey fellow speaking of 
 an Homily. 
 
 "\ J P N the first day of November 
 last, in the fore-none, a motion 
 was made amongst some well disposed, 
 to goe to such a place, and heare a 
 Sermon : to which one of them replied, 
 if you goe to heare a Sermon, I assure 
 you, you will lose your labour, for there 
 
 is 
 
Citie.] 
 
 Modeme Jests. 
 
 289 
 
 is no Sermon at all : but I make no 
 doubt but wee shall heare a good Homily, 
 and there will be a very great auditory. 
 Homily ! saith a Countrey fellow that 
 was amongst them. Nay, if it be no 
 otherwise, goe hee that will, for I will 
 not. One of them askt him why. Why ? 
 alas (quoth he) what can one Homily 
 doe amongst all us ? 
 
 Of asking the Banes of 
 Matrimony, 
 
 A FELLOW that dwelt in one of | Of asking 
 the Banes 
 
 the most populous Parishes of the j of Matri- 
 Suburbs, discoursing with a friend of his, 
 amongst other things, said, I verily 
 beleeve there is more asking at our 
 Church, than at any one Parish about 
 London. Verily, and I beleeve so too, 
 
 mony. 
 
 2 O 
 
 replyed 
 
290 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 replyed the other, that there is much 
 asking, but very little giving. 
 
 Gentlemen in a Taverne. 
 
 Gentlemen 
 in a 
 Taverne. 
 
 A COMPANY of Gentlemen being 
 in a Taverne, the Drawer had 
 brought them a foule cloth ; at which 
 one of them, much offended, called for 
 a fresh one (or else they would presently 
 leave the house :) the Drawer brought 
 it, and going to take away the foule 
 one, another of the Gentlemen sitting by, 
 said, well sirrah, you have leave to re- 
 move that cloth, but upon condition, that 
 thou dost not take it cleane away. 
 
Citz'e.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 291 
 
 A pretty conceite. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN in the Winter time, | A ? rett y 
 j conceite, 
 was invited to Supper to a Citi- j 
 
 zens house, where after the cloth was 
 taken away, and they set round before 
 the Chimney : falling into much dis- 
 course, and seeing neither Beere nor 
 Wine brought in, and withall the fire 
 almost out ; not able to containe him- 
 self any longer, he said, well, if these 
 coales were as dry as I am, I make no 
 question but they would burne much better. 
 Which words were no sooner uttered, but 
 those defects were instantly supply'd. 
 
 Two friends falling out. 
 
 TW O Gentlemen that had beene I Two 
 I friends 
 
 long friends, the one being drunk, ] failing 
 
 i out. 
 
 and the other sober, fell into some dif- { 
 
 ference, 
 
292 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part V. 
 
 ference, insomuch that hee who had got 
 a Cup in his pate, tooke up a stoole, 
 and flung it at the others head ; which 
 he avoyding catcht the stoole, and rested 
 himselfe upon it. The other askt him if 
 he were angry, and if he thought he 
 had received any wrong. He modestly 
 answered, indeede I have received some 
 wrong, but you see / am content to sit 
 downe with it. 
 
 A tall 
 man, and 
 a low 
 
 man. 
 
 A tall man, and a low man. 
 
 'T^WO Dutch men, the one very tall, 
 and the other of exceeding low 
 stature, walking together in the street ; a 
 pleasant Gentleman seeing them, said to 
 his friend, see yonder goe together High 
 Germany and the Low Countries. 
 
Czlze.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 293 
 
 A corrupt "Jury. 
 
 m I ^WELVE men being paneld on a 
 Jury, where one was suspected to 
 be a great Malefactor, and strong evi- 
 dence given in against him ; notwith- 
 standing was cleared by seven on the 
 twelve, and so the major part carried it. 
 A little after the delinquent meeting with 
 his adversary, said unto him : well, for 
 all your Envy, the Jury gave you no 
 credit. To which the other replyed, yes, 
 five of them gave me credit, but the 
 other seven gave you none : for as I 
 have since understood, you gave them 
 their money beforehand. 
 
 A corrupt 
 Jury. 
 
 One 
 
294 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part V. 
 
 One that 
 preached 
 against 
 Usury. 
 
 One that preached against 
 Usury. 
 
 A DIVINE in London, having chosen 
 a fit Text, bitterly inveighed 
 against Usury, and after Sermon was 
 invited to dinner by a rich man, that 
 had got all his estate that way: who 
 taking occasion to speake with him, be- 
 fore they sate downe to Table, blamed 
 him for some things in his Sermon, 
 which hee said hee might very well 
 have spared. The other gave him a full 
 hearing without interruption, but after- 
 ward said ; Nay sir, Since you doe not 
 like of my Breakefast, I can no way ap- 
 prove of your Dinner. And so, taking a 
 short leave, left him. 
 
 Of 
 
Ci tie.'] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 295 
 
 Of Roaring Gallants. 
 
 A WITTY Gentleman, but a good 
 husband withall, compared roaring 
 Gallants about the towne, to so many 
 Pedlers, and being demanded his reason, 
 he made answer : because they weave all 
 their wealth upon their backes. 
 
 Of 
 
 Roaring 
 
 Gallants. 
 
 Of a Countrey Gentleman, and 
 a City Barbar. 
 
 A COUNTREY Gentleman, who had 
 a very faire long beard, in which 
 hee tooke much delight, came up to the 
 Tearme, went into a Barbars shop to be 
 trimm'd ; and as he was in the suds, a 
 Gentleman a country man of his, came 
 into the shop by meere accident : where 
 seeing and knowing him (though he were 
 
 Of a 
 
 Countrey 
 Gentle- 
 man, and 
 a City 
 Barbar. 
 
 then 
 
296 Merry Tales. [Part V. 
 
 then in Hucksters handling,) he saluted 
 him, and said, he would give him a pint 
 of sacke : which being brought, and a 
 glasse calPd for, hee drunke to him, as 
 hee was in the Barbars hands. The 
 Gentleman told him he would pledge 
 him, but seeing hee had drunke but 
 halfe a glasse, hee said to him ; Nay y 
 off with all I pray thee: the Barber 
 thinking he had spoke to him, whipt off 
 the Gentlemans beard close to his chinne. 
 How they agreed about it, I can not 
 tell : but with the Barbers cutting off 
 the Gentlemans beard, / cut off my long 
 discourse, and here end. 
 
 COUNTREY 
 
COVNTRIE JESTS 
 
 Lib. II. Part VL 
 
 A Justice of Peace and a 
 Horsestealer. 
 
 A HORSE stealer was brought to 
 be examined before a Justice ; 
 who finding the fellonie apparant : well 
 sirrah, sayd he, if thou beest not hang'd 
 for this, He be hang'd for thee. I humbly 
 thanke your worship, replyed the theefe, 
 and when the time comes, / desire you 
 not to be out of tlie way. 
 
 A Justice 
 of Peace 
 and a 
 Horse- 
 stealer. 
 
 2 P 
 
298 
 
 Witty Jeei'es. 
 
 [Part VI. 
 
 A Gentle- 
 man 
 
 Arrested. 
 
 A Gentleman Arrested. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN being Arrested, 
 and brought before a Country 
 Major who was by profession a Tanner ; 
 the Sergeants handled him somewhat 
 roughly. At length espying an Oxe 
 hide, my friends (quoth he) why doe 
 you trouble your selves so much about 
 me ? me thinkes you had more neede, 
 and it would better become you, to brush 
 your Masters gowne that lyes there on the 
 ground. 
 
 Two Welchmen in a Robbery. 
 
 Two 
 Welch- 
 men in a 
 Robbery. 
 
 r I A WO Welchmen were taken in a 
 
 Robbery/ whereof the one (known 
 
 to be an old theefe) was hang'd ; but 
 
 the other, be cause it was his first fault 
 
 was 
 
Countries 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 299 
 
 was onely whipt and let goe. This last 
 theefe when he came into his Country, 
 they asked him what was become of his 
 old friend, and Countrey-man : he told 
 them for a truth that he was marryed. 
 But some of them not beleeving it, 
 pressed him further to know when, and 
 to whom. Begot, replyed the fellow, I 
 cannot tell ; but I'me sure, / was made 
 to dance at her wedding. 
 
 Of a Servingman. 
 
 A SERVINGMAN bringing a brace 
 of Grey-hounds from his Master to 
 a Knight, the Knight askt him if they 
 were good dogges, or no. Good dogs ? 
 quoth the fellow. I will assure you for 
 this (pointing to one of them) hee is the 
 best dogge that ever ranne with foure 
 
 Of a 
 
 Serving- 
 
 legges 
 
300 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part VI. 
 
 legges upon the earth : and this other 
 here is three times better than he. 
 
 Of a 
 Justice 
 and his 
 Man. 
 
 Of a yustice and his Man. 
 
 A CROW sitting upon a small, slen- 
 der bough, which every gust of 
 winde moved up and downe, cry'd, ka, 
 ka, ka. An old Justice of Peace, and 
 his serving-man, riding then with other 
 company upon the way ; Harke (quoth 
 the Justice to his man) what the Crow 
 sayes to thee ; she would, if she could, 
 say knave, knave. Nay, not to me sir, 
 replyed the fellow, sure shee meanes it 
 to some man of Worship in this company ; 
 you may well perceive so by her many 
 low beckes and congies. 
 
Countries] 
 
 Modeme Jests. 
 
 301 
 
 A Gentleman and a Theefe. 
 
 A THEEFE purposing one night to 
 rob a Gentlemans Chamber, had 
 set a Ladder up to his window ; and 
 being at the top of it, ready to make 
 his entrance, the Gentleman by chance 
 was awake : who hearing him came to 
 the window, and sayd : My friend it is 
 your best course, to stay till an houre 
 or two hence, for / am not yet asleepe. 
 The theefe hearing him, what with haste 
 and feare, tumbled downe from the ladder, 
 and without the helpe of a halter had 
 almost broke his Neck. 
 
 A Gentle- 
 man and 
 a Theefe. 
 
 A Spanish Travellour. 
 
 A SPANIARD benighted in his way 
 
 from Dover towards London, was 
 
 forced to knocke at a poore Ale-house 
 
 A Spanish 
 Travel- 
 lour. 
 
 for 
 
302 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part VI. 
 
 for lodging : the Hostesse demanding 
 his name, he told her it was Don Pedro 
 Gonzales Gaietam, de Gueveza. Alas sir, 
 quoth the good woman, my small house 
 neither affords roome, nor meat for so 
 many. 
 
 A Father 
 and his 
 daughter. 
 
 A Father and his daughter. 
 
 A COUNTRY man suspitious of his 
 Daughter, and no way affecting a 
 certaine young fellow that was suiter to 
 her ; tooke his daughter to schooling, 
 making her vow, never more to come in 
 his company without asking leave. A 
 little after her father sitting by the fire, 
 and she having notice given her that 
 her friend was at doore, she fained to 
 reach something behinde her father, and 
 as^ shee stooped, sayd ; Father by your 
 
 leave 
 
Countries] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 303 
 
 leave : Marry good leave have you Daugh- 
 ter, saith he. Which was no sooner 
 spoken, but out she went to her sweete- 
 heart ; and saw her father no more, till 
 she came home a married wife. 
 
 Of a sicke man. 
 
 A MAN lying desperately sicke, he 
 was perswaded by his Physitians 
 to prepare himselfe for heaven, for they 
 saw little hope of him. I (saith he) 
 God pardon me, as I pardon all that 
 have injur'd me ; and for such a man, 
 who hath done me most wrong, I forgive 
 him with all my soule : F but if it please 
 God that I recover this sicknesse, / will 
 be revenged on him to the titmost of my 
 poiver. 
 
 Of a sicke 
 man. 
 
304 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part VI 
 
 A Scotch 
 man and 
 his Mis- 
 tresse. 
 
 A Scotch man and his 
 Mistresse. 
 
 J" N the beginning of the spring, when 
 scarce one flower was seene to bud 
 out of the earth, a Scotchman by chance 
 espying a Primrose fairely blowne ; and 
 being about to plucke it, he considered 
 with himselfe, how much more acceptable 
 it would be to his Lady, and Mistresse, 
 if for the rarenesse thereof, she gathered 
 it with her owne faire hand : and in this 
 thought he purposed to bring her to the 
 place. But fearing least any in his ab- 
 sence should finde it out, he covered it 
 with his Hat, and so went with all speede 
 to his Ladies Chamber. In this Interim 
 one passing by Andes the Hat, removes it 
 to see what was under it ; and espying 
 the flower, cropt it, leaving insteed there- 
 
 of, 
 
Countrie.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 305 
 
 of, a rose of a farre worse smell : which 
 hee likewise covered with the Hat, and 
 away he went. Presently after comes I 
 the Scotchman leading his Lady by the 
 Arme, tells her after many complements, 
 the rarenesse of the flower, and of his 
 great fortune to finde it, and how much 
 more pretious she would make it, by 
 plucking it her selfe. Why, where a 
 Gods -name (saith she) is this dainty 
 flower, you so much commend ? Here 
 sweete Lady (answered he) covered with 
 this my Bever : and with that curiously 
 removing it, he discovers the thing I 
 spake of, still smelling, and therefore 
 more offensive to the smell. The Scotch- 
 man blushes, the Lady railes : what he 
 then thought, or how her dainty nostrills 
 tooke it, I leave it to the Readers con- 
 sideration. 
 
 2 Q 
 
 A 
 
306 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part VI. 
 
 A Master 
 of a Ship. 
 
 A Master of a Ship. 
 
 Y^VNE Mr. Man Master of a ship that 
 was called the Moone, had great 
 familiarity with a Saylers wife, in absence 
 of her husband. At length the Sayler 
 comming home, found his wife to be a 
 light huswife, and hearing she had used 
 suspitious meetings with a young sea- 
 faring man, hee charged her with his 
 company, urging her upon her salvation, 
 to 'tell him what in that kinde had 
 passed betwixt them. The woman to 
 give his jealousie satisfaction, fell downe 
 upon her knees, and wish'd some heavie 
 fate might betide her, if she knew more 
 by that party, than by the man in the 
 Moone. At which protestation her hus- 
 band was satisfied, and as it is sayd, 
 never jealous after. 
 
Countries 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 307 
 
 A Land-lord and his Tenant. 
 
 A TENANT had a horse, which 
 many times look'd into his Land- 
 lords ground : for no hedge nor ditch 
 could stop him, but he would still feede 
 where he saw best grasse. At length 
 the Land-lord sent word to his Tenant, 
 peremptorily, that if hee ever tooke his 
 horse in his ground againe, he would 
 cut off his taile. Will he so ? replyed 
 the Tenant : Well, my Land-lord may 
 doe his pleasure ; but tell him againe 
 from me, that if he ait off his taile, Fie 
 cut of his eares. The Land-lord upon 
 this Menace sues him, and bindes him to 
 the peace and good behaviour : but when 
 the case came to be decided, the Tenant 
 pleaded that his Land -lord had much 
 mistaken him, for his answere reached 
 
 A Land- 
 lord and 
 his 
 Tenant. 
 
 no 
 
308 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part VI, 
 
 no farther than thus : that if his Land- 
 lord did cut off his horses taile, he pur- 
 posed to cut off his horses eares, and to 
 make him Crop-ear'd, as the other had 
 made him Cut-tail'd. 
 
 Of an old Beggar. 
 
 of an old A N old beggar in Cornwall, whose 
 
 Beggar. XJL 
 
 name was Ball, lived till he was 
 above sevenscore yeares old : and being 
 asked by many, what course hee tooke, 
 to continue his life to that length of 
 yeares, he would still make answere he 
 loved a cup of good Ale, and that he 
 used to drinke continually, but of other 
 Physicke he never tasted any. The 
 Beggar dying, a witty Gentleman of the 
 County, made him this Epitaph : 
 
 Here 
 
Countrie.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 309 
 
 Here Ball the quondam Beggar lyes, 
 
 Who counted by his tale 
 Some sevenscome winters, and above. 
 
 Such vertue is in Ale. 
 Ale was his meate, Ale was his drinke, 
 
 Ale did his life deprive : 
 For could he still have drunk his Ale, 
 
 He yet had beene alive. 
 
 Of a Tenant to the Arch- 
 bishop, 
 
 A 
 
 SIMPLE fellow comming to the ' o/a 
 
 a t t» • t t> 1 1 * • Tenant to 
 
 Arch-Bishops Palace to tender his | the Arch- 
 
 rent, was by the Porter conducted to 
 the Steward : who, when hee saw him, he 
 told him he had brought his Lordships 
 worship some money for the cottage he 
 lived in. The Steward received it, but 
 withall told him, hee must leave out 
 
 Worship, 
 
3io 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 [Part VI. 
 
 Worship, and put in Grace. But before 
 the small sum was told, the Arch-bishop 
 came through the great Hall, and de- 
 manded of the Steward what the poore 
 mans businesse was. The Tenant pre- 
 vented his answere, and making two or 
 three low legs, began againe with if it 
 please your Worship. The Steward still 
 prompted him, and told him he must 
 say Grace. Must I ? sayd the fellow : 
 why then I will, and holding up his 
 hands began, the eyes of all things, &c. 
 
 Of a 
 signe Post. 
 
 Of a signe Post. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN passing through a 
 
 faire towne, and spying the signe 
 
 of a Blue Bore most pittifully drawne, 
 
 rides into the Inne, and calls aloud for 
 
 somebody to take money. Downe comes 
 
 the 
 
Countries 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 3ii 
 
 the Chamberlaine, and askes his worship 
 what he had had. Had ? saith he, 
 nothing : but I desire to take view of 
 the Monster to bee seene. The fellow 
 asked him what Monster. Marry that 
 strange Monster (quoth he) whose picture 
 you have hung out at your gate. Alas 
 sir, the fellow answered, you mistake 
 your selfe that is our signe. Your signe 
 saves the Gentleman. It is a signe 
 indeede, that the Painter was an Asse 
 which made it> and thy Master a Cox- 
 combe that bought it. 
 
 Of a high-way Lawyer. 
 
 A 
 
 KENTISH high -way Lawyer, j Of a 
 
 high-way 
 
 whom scarce any booty could es- Lawyer. 
 
 cape, being very well horst, meetes with 
 a Justice of peace his Clarke, that had 
 
 five 
 
312 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part VI. 
 
 five pounds of his Masters in his pocket. 
 The theefe, having it seemes some intelli- 
 gence thereof, crosseth him in a narrow 
 lane, and demands his money : the youth 
 was loth to part with it, but seeing there 
 was no remedie : Well, saith he, I have 
 vowed never to deliver it ; but if you will 
 needes have it, fetch it, there it is, and 
 with that flings his purse over the hedge. 
 The theefe greedy of the booty, tyes 
 his horse to the stile, and over he goes 
 for the Money : which the lad seeing, he 
 unties his horse, gets up into the saddle, 
 and with the theefes cloake bagge behind 
 him, rides backe to his Master, telling 
 him the whole story. The Cloake -bag 
 being opened, there they found three- 
 score pound in ready Cash, besides 
 bootes, shirts, and other commodities. 
 
Countrie.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 313 
 
 A Farmers wife and her sonne. 
 
 A COUNTRY Farmers wife sending 
 her young sonne, to fetch home 
 their sixe Kine from the field, to bee 
 milked in the Yard, the boy goes as 
 she bids him, and brings home but five : 
 which his mother seeing, askt him what 
 was become of the sixt, Marry (quoth 
 he) she is turned down your deepe dirty 
 lane, where I could not come at her ; I 
 thinke she is gone to the Divell. Nay 
 then stay boy, sayd the Mother, trouble 
 thy selfe no farther : thy father shall 
 goe himselfe, for he has bootes on. 
 
 A Far- 
 mers wife 
 and her 
 sonne. 
 
 2 R 
 
3*4 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part VI. 
 
 A Gentle- 
 man and 
 his 
 Mistresse. 
 
 A Gentleman and his Mistresse. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN being to be mar- 
 
 ryed to a Gentlewoman, whose 
 name was Mary Meere : a license was 
 got, that they should be Marryed in 
 Lent : upon which occasion he wrote 
 unto her, as folio weth. 
 Your name is Marry Meere, and yet a 
 
 maide : 
 And therefore you a Meere -mayde may 
 
 be sayd. 
 A Meere mayd's flesh above, and fish 
 
 below ; 
 And so may you be too, for ought I 
 
 know. 
 Your upper parts have given me much 
 
 content. 
 I hope to prove your latter parts in Lent. 
 
 Stratford 
 
Countrie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 315 
 
 o 
 
 Stratford upon Avon. 
 
 NE travelling through Stratford strat/on 
 
 ; upon 
 
 upon Avon, A towne remarkeable Avon - 
 
 for the birth of famous William Shak- 
 speere, and walking in the Church, espyed 
 a Tombes-stone, layd more than three 
 hundred years agoe, upon which was en- 
 graven an Epitaph to this purpose : I 
 Thomas such a one, and Elizabeth my 
 wife, here under lye buried, and know 
 Reader that I Ro. C. and I Christopher 
 Q. are alive at this houre to witnesse it. 
 
 Fire and Toe. 
 
 f~\ N E seeing a fellow warming his 
 ^"^^ feete by a hot sea coale fire : 
 My friend, saith he, what doe you meane, 
 to put Fire and toe together. 
 
 Fire a?id 
 Toe. 
 
 A 
 
3i6 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part VI. 
 
 A 
 
 Country 
 
 Fellow 
 
 hunting 
 
 with the 
 
 King. 
 
 A Country Fellow hunting 
 with the King, 
 
 T/ 7 ~ I N G James being a hunting and 
 very earnest in his sport, a Coun- 
 try fellow crost it, insomuch that the 
 dogs were at a losse : at which the King 
 extreamely enraged, drew his skeine, and 
 rid after the man with all the speede he 
 possibly could. The fellow perceiving 
 his Majestie to pursue him in his anger, 
 cryed out aloud, I beseech your High- 
 nesse to pardon me ; for I have no desire 
 to be Knighted yet. And this he repeated 
 so often, that turning the Kings rage 
 into laughter, hee bad him to ride fast 
 enough, and farre enough and be hang'd : 
 for hee better deserved a halter, than a 
 Knighthood. 
 
 A 
 
Countries 
 
 Modeme Jests. 
 
 317 
 
 A Country fellow at a Gentle- 
 mans Table, 
 
 A COUNTRY fellow being admitted 
 to a Gentlemans Table, fell upon 
 the Artechoakes at lower end, and eating 
 the burres, was almost choak'd. Saith 
 one that sate neere him, friend why are 
 you so busie there, it being a dish re- 
 served for the last ? Marry (answered 
 the fellow, as well as he could) I am 
 of your minde : for I thinke they are the 
 last dish that ever I shall taste of. 
 
 A remarkeable fteece of Justice, 
 
 A FELLOW and a wench taken one 
 
 Evening suspitiously together, in a 
 
 pound, were by the Constable committed, 
 
 A 
 
 Country 
 fellow at a 
 Gentle- 
 mans 
 Table. 
 
 A re- 
 
 markeablc 
 peece of 
 Justice. 
 
 and 
 
3i» 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part VI. 
 
 and the next morning brought before a 
 Justice : but they both standing obsti- 
 nately in their Innocence, the Justice 
 called the Wench aside, and promised her 
 upon his credit, that if she would deale 
 faithfully and truely with him, she should 
 escape without punishment. In briefe, 
 he. so farre insinuated with her by good 
 words, that she confest the truth to him : 
 for which the Justice commended her, but 
 making a Mittimus for the man, sent him 
 to prison. At length as she was taking 
 leave (as thinking her selfe at liberty) he 
 call'd her backe and askt her what the 
 fellow had given her for her consent : 
 shee told him (if it pleased his worship) 
 he had given her half a crowne, shew- 
 ing him the money. Truely woman (re- 
 plyed the Justice) that does not please 
 my worship : for though for thy fornica- 
 
 tion, 
 
Countrie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 319 
 
 tion, I have acquitted thee, yet for thy 
 extortion I must of force commit thee, 
 because thou hast taken halfe a crown in the 
 Pound : and so sent her to the house of 
 correction, to beare her friend company. 
 
 Of a Calfe that was supposed 
 to have eaten a Man. 
 
 A POO RE man travelling through 
 some parts of Germany in the 
 depth of winter, and passing by a Gibbet, 
 where hung the body of a theefe, lately 
 executed, he would have pluckt off his 
 stockings to supply his present want ; 
 but by reason of the extremity of weather 
 (which is very violent in those parts) 
 they were so frozen to his legges, that 
 he was forced with his knife to cut them 
 off by the knees ; which he did, and 
 
 Of a 
 
 Calfe that 
 was stip- 
 fosed to 
 have eaten 
 a Ma?i. 
 
 hiding 
 
320 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part VI. 
 
 hiding them under his cloake, brought 
 them to his Inne. But being lodged 
 that night in a warm stove or hot house, 
 it fell out so that the Host lodged a 
 young weake calfe with him, least it 
 should perish with the Cold. Well, early 
 in the morning the poore travellour 
 wanting money to pay for his lodging, 
 had now easily drawn off the stockings, 
 and convayed himselfe away, leaving the 
 legges behind him ; and before any body 
 was stirring in the house, was well for- 
 ward on his journey. The Host soone 
 after rose, and the first thing he did 
 was to visite his calfe ; where finding 
 the poore beast onely and the bare 
 legges, he was strangely affrighted, ran 
 out, and raised his Neighbours, protesting 
 to the that he had a guest lay in his 
 house last night, and the Calfe had eaten 
 
 him 
 
Coimtrie.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 321 
 
 him up all save the legges. To this 
 lamentable spectacle they come all 
 amazed, but most astonish'd when they 
 beheld the prodigie apparant before their 
 eyes : wherefore to prevent the like, or 
 a greater mischiefe, they call for more 
 ayde, raise more Neighbours, and arm- 
 ing themselves with such weapons as 
 came next to hand, with joynt consent 
 they assault the poore beast, and kill 
 him : attributing as much to their valour 
 in slaying the weake calfe, as Hercules 
 might challenge in the death of the 
 Nemcean Lyon. 
 
 Of two Travellours. 
 
 /^NE Gentleman overtaking another 
 
 on the way, upon an exceedingly 
 
 leane horse, and with a great sword by 
 
 Of two 
 Travel- 
 lours. 
 
 2 S 
 
 his 
 
322 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 [Part VI. 
 
 his side, demanded the reason why he 
 went so armed. The other answered, 
 it was to defend his person, and to 
 keepe off false knaves. But sir, sayd 
 the former, it had beene better for you 
 to have rid with Bow and Arrowes. 
 The other willing to know his reason. 
 Marry (saith he) to keepe away the Crowes, 
 which are still waiting to prey upon the 
 carrion you ride on. 
 
 A Doctor 
 and a 
 Countrey 
 fellow. 
 
 A Doctor and a Countrey 
 fellow. 
 
 A COUNTREY man greviously tor- 
 mented with a paine in his head, 
 was councelled by his Physitian to take 
 a Glister: which he no sooner heard, 
 but notwithstanding his sickenes he laught 
 out-right. The Doctor somewhat angry 
 
 askt 
 
Countries 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 323 
 
 askt him what hee laught at. Why, 
 saith he, that when my paine is in my 
 head you should offer to give my taile 
 Physicke. 
 
 A Countrey fellow and his 
 Wench. 
 
 A COUNTREY fellow and his Sweet- 
 heart that had long loved one 
 another, on a time made their appointed 
 meeting in a Parke ; and having chosen 
 a convenient place for their privacie, he 
 bid her lye downe, which shee refused 
 to doe, unlesse he would throw her 
 down. The bashfull fellow refused, & 
 she appeared obstinate on the other 
 side; insomuch that on these tearmes 
 they were ready to depart : which the 
 Wench perceiving, she bade him, if he 
 
 A 
 
 Countrey 
 fellow a?id 
 his 
 Wench. 
 
 would 
 
324 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part VI 
 
 would not throw her downe, but blow 
 upon her, and she would fall downe ; 
 which was instantly done. A Wood- 
 man standing behind a tree, and observ- 
 ing all these proceedings, suddenly rusht 
 out upon them, saying, friend, by your 
 favour you have nothing to doe here : 
 for to me belong all the windfalls in this 
 Forrest. 
 
 Of an Egge. 
 
 Of an A PROMOOTER very curious to see 
 
 Egge. y~\ 
 
 fasting dayes observed, came to 
 a house in Lent time, & found the 
 Family with Egges before them on the 
 Table ; whereat he seemed much dis- 
 pleased. Why (saith one of them) Egges 
 are lawfull to be eaten, they are not 
 flesh. Not flesh, quoth he, I will make 
 
 it 
 
Con u trie.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 325 
 
 it appeare to you all, they are no other. 
 I have a Henne that now sits, any of 
 you bring me an Egge, and marke it, 
 and I will make it apparant unto you, 
 that the very Egge shall be flesh, blood, 
 and bone. Saith a boy standing by, I 
 will bring you a new-laid Egge within 
 this houre, and marke it, to try the con- 
 clusion. Away he goes, fetches an Egge, 
 gives it a knowne marke, and delivers it 
 to the party, hee sets it under his Henne ; 
 the time comes that the rest were 
 hatched, but this not : Law yee now 
 (said the boy) I told you so ; but, re- 
 plied the other, the Egge proved addle, 
 yet I will shew thee a Chicken, though 
 it came not to perfection : with that 
 presently breaking it, and finding it to 
 be hard : Thou Knave, saith he, why 
 this is a sodden Egge. Very right, quoth 
 
 the 
 
326 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part VI. 
 
 the Lad, and wee never eate them other- 
 wise in our house, but either roasted or 
 sod. 
 
 A 
 
 Countrey 
 boy and a 
 Cuckold. 
 
 A Countrey boy and a Cuckold. 
 
 A COUNTREY Farmer branded for a 
 notorious Cuckold, the boyes and 
 girles in the streets as hee passed by, 
 would whisper among themselves, and 
 say, Gaffer, such a one weares homes. 
 Upon a time a simple Lad of the towne 
 passing by him, made a sudden stand, 
 and looked very wishly in his face. 
 Why, how now sirrah, quoth the Farmer, 
 didst thou never see a man before ? 
 why dost thou stare so in my face ? 
 Truely Gaffer for no hurt, answered the 
 boy, but because every body sayes you 
 weare homes in your forehead, and in- 
 deede I can see none. 
 
 Of 
 
Countries] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 327 
 
 Of a Sheriff e and a Baker. 
 
 A T an Execution, one onely man be- 
 ing to be hang'd, no Hangman 
 could be got for love or money, inso- 
 much, that unlesse the Sheriffe will un- 
 dertake the office, the Prisoner can not 
 suffer. A Countrey Baker riding by, by 
 chance, to the next Market, the Sheriffe 
 calls him, and tells him if he will play 
 the Hangman, hee will give him halfe a 
 Crowne. Halfe a Crowne ? saith he, how 
 many are there of you ? the Sheriffe told 
 him but one ; the businesse would be 
 soone dispatch'd, if he would undertake 
 it. By no meanes (replyed the Baker), 
 but if I shall hang you all at that rate, 
 I am content, for then it will amount to 
 something. 
 
 Of a 
 Sheriffe 
 and a 
 Baker. 
 
328 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 \_Part VI. 
 
 A Passen- 
 ger in a 
 
 Tempest. 
 
 A Passenger in a Tempest. 
 
 A MIGHTY tempest arising, and 
 many of the Passengers betaking 
 themselves to their devotions ; one was 
 observed, to feede greedily on salt meat : 
 and being asked why he did so : marry, 
 saith he, because this day / am to drink 
 more than I have done at any one time, 
 all the dayes of my life. 
 
 A Woman Beaten by her 
 husband. 
 
 A Woman 
 Beaten by 
 her hus- 
 band. 
 
 A COUNTREY fellow that had mar- 
 ried an idle Housewife, upon a 
 time comming from his labour, and find- 
 ing her sit lazing by the fire, as her 
 custome was, hee tooke a holly wande, 
 and began to cudgell her soundly : the 
 
 woman 
 
Countrie.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 329 
 
 woman cryed out aloud, and said, alas 
 husband what doe you meane ? you see 
 I doe nothing, I doe nothing. I marry, 
 wife, saith he, I know it very well, and 
 for that reason I beate thee. 
 
 Of Frying Bacon. 
 
 \ JUSTICE of Peace bearing a spite 
 to a Countrey fellow, had a curious 
 eye over him, to take him in one trap 
 or other. At length one of his Intelli- 
 gencers brought him word, that hee found 
 him sitting in an Alehouse, frying of 
 Bakon. O Traytour ! saith he ; here is 
 my warrant, seek out an Officer, serve it 
 upon him presently, and without bayle or 
 Maine-prise carry him to prison. His 
 authority was obeyed, and there the 
 poore man lay, till the next generall 
 
 Of Frying 
 Bacon. 
 
 2 T 
 
 Assises 
 
330 Witty Jeeves. [Part VI. 
 
 Assises : then amongst other great of- 
 fenders, it came to this fellowes turne to 
 be called to the Barre : when the Judge 
 asked him what his offence was, and 
 why he was committed ? The poore man 
 answered, for nothing else, but for frying 
 of Bacon. The Judge was somewhat 
 startled at his answer, and askt who had 
 committed him. The Justice presently 
 rising up, told him he was the man, ag- 
 grivating the offence, and affirming that 
 in so doing, he had committed felony 
 by the statute. The Judge asking him 
 by what Statute, for it was beyond either 
 his reading or knowledge : he told him 
 by such a Statute, made in the yeare of 
 the Reigne, of such a King. The Judge 
 desirous to be instructed in a point of 
 Law, which he never heard of before, 
 commanded the Statute Booke to be 
 
 brought, 
 
Countries 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 331 
 
 brought, and the Clarke of the Peace 
 to reade it openly ; where it was found, 
 that the fyring of a Beacon, &c. was in 
 such and such degrees punishable. Those 
 which before wondred, now laughed out- 
 right ; the Justice was flouted ; the poore 
 man acquitted ; and ever since it hath 
 beene lawfull to eate fryed Bacon with- 
 out prejudice to any Statute. 
 
 A Gentleman, that having 
 buried his Wife, through 
 grief e died soone after. 
 
 O HE first deceased, he for a little 
 
 trfd 
 To live without her, liked it not, & dfd. 
 
 A Gentle- 
 man, that 
 
 buried his 
 Wife, 
 through 
 grief e died 
 soone 
 after. 
 
 Of 
 
332 
 
 Merry Tales. {Part VI 
 
 
 Of a Gleaner of Come. 
 
 Of a 
 
 Gleaner of 
 Come. 
 
 /^~\NE meeting a Boy that had beene 
 gleaning with a heavie burthen 
 
 
 of Wheate on his head, insomuch that 
 
 
 hee stagger'd under it : Alas poore Boy ! 
 
 ; 
 
 (saith he) his eares are so heavy, they 
 
 
 make his head ake. 
 
 
 On a Butcher that married a 
 
 
 Tanners Daughter was writ 
 
 
 this Disticke. 
 
 On a 
 Butcher 
 that 
 
 married a 
 Tanners 
 \ D alight er 
 was writ 
 this 
 Disticke. 
 
 A FITTER match than this hath 
 never beene. 
 For now the Flesh is married to the 
 Skinne. 
 
 A 
 
Countrie.] 
 
 M oder ne Jests. 
 
 333 
 
 A Gentleman and a Chamber- 
 laine. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN well tipled over 
 night, had stolne from his com- 
 pany to bed, before the Chamberlaine 
 had laid it downe, and for haste turned 
 up both the sheets at once, sleeping so 
 all night betwixt them & the feather- 
 bed. But waking early in the morning, 
 finding the mistake, and not remem- 
 bring his owne errour, hee knockt for the 
 Chamberlaine ; who was no sooner come, 
 but he called him Villaine, and Rascall, 
 with many base and reproachfull tearmes, 
 saying, Looke here Knave, was ever guest 
 of quality thus used ? see, if in making 
 my bed, thou hast not laid both the 
 sheetes above. The fellow made answer. 
 
 A Gentle- 
 man and 
 a Cham- 
 berlaine. 
 
 It 
 
334 
 
 Witty Jeeres. 
 
 {Part VI. 
 
 it was not the fashion in their house, to 
 lay one of the sheets above the bed, and 
 the other under it. 
 
 A 
 
 Countrey 
 mans 
 answer to 
 his Land- 
 lord. 
 
 A Countrey mans answer to 
 his Landlord, 
 
 HTHE Lord of the Mannor preparing 
 to build, had occasion to use many- 
 Carts in his worke. Wherefore he sent 
 as well unto his neighbours, as his 
 Tenants, imploying their Teames and 
 Waynes to their no small charge and 
 trouble. At length, in close of the 
 businesse, hee invited them all to supper, 
 having two tables in the Hall, but some- 
 thing unequally furnish'd ; and when hee 
 had bid them welcome, neighbours and 
 friends, saith hee, I thanke you all : 
 such of you as have helped me in my 
 
 worke 
 
Countries] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 335 
 
 worke for love, take your places at that 
 boord ; but you that expect money, sit 
 at the other. They did accordingly, 
 every man as he was disposed : onely 
 one plaine fellow walking betweene the 
 two Tables ; which the Master of the 
 house seeing, asked him why he did not 
 as the rest did. Hee answered, because 
 there was no place for him. And why 
 so ? quoth the Gentleman. Marry, re- 
 plyed the Farmer, you have provided 
 a table for them that come for mony, 
 another for them that come for love ; 
 and to deale plainely with your worship, 
 I came neither for love, nor money ; 
 but onely for feare, because I durst doe 
 no otherwise. 
 
 Of 
 
336 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part VI 
 
 Of a man 
 and his 
 wife that 
 had beene 
 false to 
 each other. 
 
 Of a man and his wife that 
 had beene false to each other. 
 
 /I MAN and wife (it seemes) of like 
 
 condition, 
 Diseased in minde, without helpe of 
 
 Physitiatiy 
 Or Doctor would prescribe themselves a 
 
 Dyet. 
 
 wife ! quoth he, my braine is not in 
 
 quiet. 
 
 1 have a push that's bred I know not 
 
 how, 
 Which came by pricking first into my 
 
 brow. 
 To whom she answered, husband, grieve no 
 
 more ; 
 I have a Night-cap for your head in 
 
 store, 
 
 Of 
 
Countrie.'] Modeme Jests. 337 
 
 Of mine owne making, which if neatly 
 
 
 worm, 
 
 
 The like, I know, your betters doe no 
 
 
 scome. 
 
 
 He was both eas'd and pleas' d ; she then 
 
 
 beginnes 
 
 
 To make complaint, and say, husband my 
 
 
 shinnes 
 
 
 Are not by you (I finde) so often rubUd, 
 
 
 As they zvere wont, I feare that I am 
 
 
 duUd. 
 
 
 I well perceive you love me now by halves : 
 
 
 For you neglect my shinnes, to scratch my 
 
 
 calves. 
 
 
 She laught, he smiVd: this was not long 
 
 
 disputed, 
 
 
 Till knowne, he 'had Cucquean'd her, she 
 
 
 him Cornuted. 
 
 
 2 u A 
 
338 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part VI. 
 
 A 
 
 Countrey 
 fellow 
 going to 
 vindicate 
 his 
 
 Fathers 
 credit. 
 
 A Countrey fellow going to 
 vindicate his Fathers credit. 
 
 A YEOMANS sonne hearing some of 
 his companions, speake hardly of 
 his father, and thinking to clear his re- 
 putation, said, well sirs, you talke you 
 know not what, though I say it, that should 
 not say it, my Father is an honest man. 
 
 A 
 
 Countrey 
 man and 
 his 
 Landlord. 
 
 A Countrey man and his 
 Landlord. 
 
 A SSES are very rare in some parts 
 of this land ; now a Countrey 
 man being none of the wisest, at the 
 renewing of his lease was bound to 
 present his Land-lord with a handsome 
 Colt, which might prove of sufficient 
 
 stature. 
 
Countries] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 339 
 
 stature. Wherefore seeking one for his 
 turne, he light on a young Asses colt, 
 bargain'd with the owner, and came and 
 presented it to his Land-lord. The 
 Gentleman no sooner saw him, but 
 greatly offended, he said Friend, thou 
 owest me by covenant such a young 
 beast as may in time become a large 
 and faire horse for my use, and what 
 a small tit hast thou brought me? Nay 
 good Land-lord, quoth the fellow, finde 
 no fault with his growth ; for if the 
 rest of his body grew but according to 
 the length of his eares, / make no ques- 
 tion, but he will prove the tallest Gelding 
 in the countrey. 
 
 Of 
 
340 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part VI. 
 
 Of a 
 
 Parson 
 and a 
 sicke man. 
 
 Of giving 
 the lye. 
 
 Of a Parson and a sicke man. 
 
 A COUNTREY Parson' visiting one 
 of his sicke Parishioners ; amongst 
 many other comfortable words, bade him 
 be of good cheare, for this day he 
 should be carried into Paradise. O Mr. 
 Parson (quoth the silly sicke man) you 
 speake comfortably that I shall be car- 
 ried to Paradise : for if the way be 
 any thing long, I am so faint, that upon 
 my legges, I shall never be able to reach 
 thither. 
 
 Of giving the lye. 
 
 /^vNE countrey fellow falling out with 
 another, gave him the lye, which 
 stirr'd his patience very much ; but find- 
 ing himselfe not able to grapple with 
 
 him, 
 
Countrie. 
 
 Modeme Jests. 
 
 34 1 
 
 him, he denyed his words againe ; yet 
 that can not serve his turne, the other 
 vowes revenge, and urges him so farre ; 
 that vext beyond all marke of patience, 
 He cryed out, thou lyest in thy throat and 
 guts, to say that I gave thee the lye. It 
 is well (replyed the other) if you did 
 not : and with that was satisfied. 
 
 Of businesse to no end. 
 
 1 
 
 N the latter end of Queene Elizabeths Ofbusi- 
 
 i nesse to no 
 
 raigne, there was a great rumor of end. 
 
 an invasion, and mustering both horse 
 and foote about London, insomuch that 
 the Realme was terribly affrighted : but 
 all comming to nothing, a Countrey 
 Gentleman then in London, asked a 
 friend of his to what end all that 
 mustering- in Loudon and Middlesexe was. 
 
 To 
 
342 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part VL 
 
 To what end ? quoth the other. Why, 
 to Myle-end : for there indeede was the 
 generall Muster. And to what end, 
 saith hee, were all the Barges and 
 Lighters sent downe from London to 
 stoppe the passage of the Thames ? To 
 what end ?' replyed he : to Graves end. 
 I but (saith the Gentleman) to what 
 end was the hurly burly by land and 
 water ? To what end ? quoth the other : 
 marry, as farre as I can tmderstand, to 
 no end. 
 
 A 
 
 Country 
 man and 
 his Hogge. 
 
 A Country man and his Hogge. 
 
 [T is a neighbourly fashion in some 
 
 places, where any one kills a Hogge, 
 
 to invite divers that dwell neare him to 
 
 eate part thereof: this was observed till 
 
 it went round. But one more penurious 
 
 than 
 
Countrie.] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 343 
 
 than the rest, though he had feasted 
 with them, was unwilling to invite them : 
 Wherefore advising with his friend, how 
 he might spare that cost, his friend 
 wished him to give out that his Hog 
 was stolne, and be sure to act his part 
 well : the good man was well pleased 
 with this conceit, and intended to put 
 it in practise. But so it hapned, that 
 the very night before his guests should 
 be invited, his hogge was stolne indeede. 
 Which he in the morning missing, 
 presently repaired to his friend to 
 acquaint him with the newes, saying 
 with a loud clamour that his hogge was 
 stolne. His friend smiling, replied, tis 
 very well done Gossip, now I perceive 
 you follow my Counsell. I but, saith 
 the other, wringing his hands, my Hog 
 is stolne indeed : true, answered he, did 
 
344 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part VI. 
 
 T 
 
 Of seeing 
 
 the 
 
 Winde. 
 
 I not bid you say so ? none living 
 could better have counterfeited it. And 
 when the old Chuffe persevered with 
 oaths and clamours, that it was a cer- 
 taine truth : hee still answered better 
 ; and better ; doe but continue this pas- 
 sion, and no doubt, all your neighbours 
 will easily beleeve you. 
 
 Of seeing the JVinde. 
 
 n^WO Country fellowes meeting, one 
 askt the other, what newes ? he 
 i answered, he knew no other newes, but 
 that he saw a great winde last Friday. 
 See a winde ! quoth the other : I prethee 
 what was it like ? Marry (saith he) it 
 was like to have blowne downe my house. 
 
Countrie.'] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 345 
 
 A Drunk- 
 ard and a 
 Signe- 
 
 fost. 
 
 A Drunkard and a Signe-post. 
 
 * I ^WO Country men keeping company 
 till night, one of their heeles were 
 lighter than his head ; and going under 
 a Signe-post, he lifted his legge very 
 high, the other asked why he did so : he 
 told him, it was to goe over the stile, 
 and pointed to the Signe. Thou foole, 
 replyed his friend, it is a Signe. A 
 Signe ! quoth hee, what Signe ? Marry, 
 answered he againe, a signe thou art 
 terribly drunke. 
 
 A Man and a Maide betrothed. 
 
 A YOUNG Man and a Maide lately 
 
 betrothed, were brought before a 
 
 Justice of Peace for their too suspitious 
 
 familiaritie. The Justice at their first ap- 
 
 2 x pearance 
 
 A Man 
 and a 
 Maide 
 betrothed. 
 
34^ 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part VL 
 
 pearance rated the young man soundly, 
 and said, sirrah, I charge thee to tell me 
 truely what that Houswife is, that is now 
 irt thy company. Why Sir, quoth hee, 
 shee is my wife before God. What dost 
 thou sweare ? said the Justice, Lay downe 
 thy twelve pence, I will not bate thee a 
 farthing token. 
 
 A Queru- 
 lous 
 Daughter. 
 
 A Querulous Daughter. 
 
 \ N indulgent Father had marryed his 
 daughter to a Gentleman of good 
 qualitie and estate ; yet the peevish 
 Girle could not content her selfe with 
 her husbands kind usage, but upon every 
 occasion would complaine of him to her 
 Father : insomuch that she tyred him 
 with her importunities : But hee still 
 gave her good counsell to keepe home, 
 
 and 
 
Countries 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 347 
 
 and please him, whom hee knew to be 
 of a gentle nature, and well condition'd. 
 A while after her husband (not able to 
 breake her humour) since faire meanes 
 would doe no good, handled her more 
 roughly, and not able to containe him- 
 selfe, strucke her. She presently with 
 her finger in her eye ranne home to her 
 father, and told him (aggravating the 
 matter as well as shee could) how her 
 husband had beat her. The old man* 
 that knew, and was willing to reforme 
 his daughters peevish disposition, having 
 then a wand in his hand, fell upon her 
 shoulders, and belaced her tightly, say- 
 ing commend me to thy good man, and 
 tell him I am now sufficiently reveng'd 
 on him : for I have cudgeWd his Wife as 
 soundly j as hee hath beat my Daughter. 
 With which could comfort shee departed, 
 
 made 
 
348 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part VI. 
 
 Of one 
 
 onely 
 
 Pocket 
 
 Sermon. 
 
 made peace with her husband, and never 
 complained to her Father after. 
 
 Of one onely pocket Sermon. 
 
 A K I N D of a Mendicating Divine, 
 who had but one onely Sermon, 
 yet that a very good one, travelled the 
 countrey with it : and so it hapned, that 
 having got leave to preach in a Country 
 towne, just as he was in the middle of 
 his prayer, he espied seven or eight of 
 the same Village where he had preached 
 last Sonday, enter the Church. Where- 
 fore bethinking himselfe how hee might 
 make the best of it. When his Prayer 
 was ended, hee read another text, and 
 said Dearely beloved, I have read you a 
 text here, of which I purposed this day 
 to preach ; but it was my fortune the 
 
 last 
 
Countries 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 349 
 
 last Sabboth to preach a Sermon not far 
 of, (naming the towne) in which (as I 
 understand) I have beene taxed of false 
 doctrine : now because I see some of 
 that towne in this place, as well to give 
 them satisfaction, as also you of the 
 Parish here assembled, / will deliver unto 
 you the same Sermon, upon the same text, 
 as neare as I can Verbatim. Which he 
 accordingly did, (not knowing how to doe 
 otherwise) and so came of with credit. 
 
 A Parson to his Sweet- 
 heart. 
 
 ]\/fy Person is divine, 
 My Parsonage fat and 
 faire ; 
 
 Come joy ne thy love with mine. 
 We'll make a loving paire. 
 
 A Parson 
 to his 
 Sweet- 
 heart. 
 
 Answer. 
 
350 
 
 Witty Jeeves. {Part VI. 
 
 
 Answer. 
 
 
 Yotir person is divine. 
 
 
 Your parsonage during life : 
 
 
 And when the Parson's gone, 
 
 
 Whoope ! zvhere's the Parsons 
 
 
 zvife. 
 
 
 Vpon a Welchman. 
 
 Vpon a 
 Welch- 
 man. 
 
 /I WELCHMAN comming late into 
 an Inne, 
 
 
 He askt the Maid what victuals was 
 
 
 within. 
 
 
 Two Cow-heeles said she, and a breast of 
 
 
 Mutton : 
 
 
 But quoth the Welchman, since I am no 
 
 
 glutton, 
 
 
 Either of them shall serve: to night the 
 
 
 Brest, 
 
 The 
 
Countries 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 351 
 
 The Heeles itJi morning, then light meate 
 
 is best. 
 Ore night he tooke the Brest, and did not 
 
 pay : 
 Itti mome he tooke his heeles, and ramie 
 
 away. 
 
 An ignorant mistake. 
 
 A COUNTREY fellow being call'd as 
 witnesse about a peece of land in 
 controversie, saith the Judge to him : 
 Friend, how doe you call the water that 
 runnes on the South side of such a 
 Close ? My Lord (quoth the fellow) our 
 water comes without calling. 
 
 An igno- 
 rant mis- 
 take. 
 
 Of 
 
352 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part VI. 
 
 On a pre- 
 tended 
 Rape. 
 
 Of a pretended Rape. 
 
 A WENCH accusing a fellow for a 
 Rape, the Judge asked her, whether 
 he offered her any violence, as to bind 
 her, or the like. Yes, saith she, hee 
 bound my hands ; and he would have 
 bound my legges too, but hee could 
 not : I thanke God, / kept them farre 
 enough asunder. 
 
 A hungry Jest. 
 
 a hungry A PEICE of stinking meate comming 
 
 to the Table, one that was hungery 
 
 sayd : Nay it is not your stinking shall 
 
 serve your turne. I will be on the bones 
 
 of you sure enough. 
 
 A 
 
Countries 
 
 Modeme Jests. 
 
 353 
 
 A Carters reply to a Lawyer. 
 
 r I ^WO Lawyers riding on the high way, 
 for want of better imployment, 
 would needes Jeere a Country fellow as 
 he was driving his Cart ; and to begin 
 one of them asked him, why his fore- 
 horse was so fat and all the rest so 
 leane. Know you not that ? sayd the 
 Carter. I will tell you. My fore-horse 
 is a Lawyer, and all the rest that follow 
 him are Ids Clients. So these Lawyers 
 met with their match. 
 
 A false hearted Woman. 
 
 A GENTLEWOMAN of meane 
 
 fortunes having married a Knight 
 
 of a great estate, both for his person, 
 
 parts, and every respect worthy of a 
 
 2 Y 
 
 A Car- 
 ters reply 
 to a 
 Lawyer. 
 
 A false 
 hearted 
 
 better 
 
354 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part VI. 
 
 Of a 
 
 Welch 
 Deacon 
 reading 
 the Comi- 
 nations or 
 Curses. 
 
 better woman, she notwithstanding en- 
 tertained a sweete-heart ; and being with 
 him one day in private (as she thought) 
 and out of hearing of any bodies eares 
 but their owne, she made great protesta- 
 tion of sincere love and affection to him. 
 But the Knight her husband by chance 
 being within, and overhearing her, sayd : 
 Beleeve her not sir, beleeve her not: for 
 she hath often told me as much, but your 
 selfe can witnesse how false I finde her ; 
 the Gentleman went away and never 
 would see her after. 
 
 Of a Welch Deacon reading 
 the Cominations or Curses. 
 
 \ WELCH Vicar being to reade the 
 
 curses (as the custome is) upon 
 
 Ash- Wednesday, and the people to say 
 
 Amen, 
 
Coimtrie.~\ 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 355 
 
 Amen, turning over the leafe, and find- 
 ing them to be many, say'd, Dearely be- 
 loved brethren, I am to reade here a 
 great many curses to you, but because 
 I am loath to trouble my self and your 
 patience, I will end them all in one : 
 The Curse of God light upon you all, 
 Amen. 
 
 Of two men roUd, and bound 
 by theifes. 
 
 TT was my fortune by a Wood to ride 
 And finde two men, their amies be- 
 hinde them tyde: 
 The one lamenting what did them befall, 
 Cry'de Fme undone, my wife and chil- 
 dren all. 
 The other hearing it aloude did cry, 
 Undoe me then, let me no longer lye. 
 
 { Of two 
 a -men rob'd, 
 
 and 
 
 bound by 
 I 1 theifes. 
 
 But 
 
356 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part VI. 
 
 But to be plaine, those men which there I 
 
 found, 
 Were both undone indeede, yet both fast 
 bound. 
 
 Of a Major and his Serjeants. 
 
 °f a T N an Eminent Corporation of this 
 
 Major 
 
 and his Kingdome, a witty Gentleman being 
 
 Serjeants. \ 
 
 chosen Major, the Serjeants came to him, 
 desiring they might have such things to 
 accommodate them, as they before used 
 to have, as Gownes and the like : for 
 | which (they sayd) they could shew presi- 
 dent. Gownes ? saith he : and will not 
 coates serve the turne ? They told him 
 no ; for they expected the custome of 
 the Citty, for which (as they sayd before) 
 they could pleade president. Nay then, 
 replyed the Major, I can cut of that un- 
 
 necessary 
 
Coimtrie.'] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 357 
 
 necessary charge by President too ; so 
 calling for a decke of Cards, and picking 
 out the Courtiers ; looke you here my 
 friends, saith he, this is my president : 
 you see here the foure Kings (as it is 
 fitting) are in Gownes ; and the foure 
 Queenes are in Gownes also : but the 
 foure knaves are all in short coates, and 
 that is the habit most proper, and tvill 
 best become yon. 
 
 Of a Farmer and a Baker. 
 
 A 
 
 COUNTRY Baker that used to j o/a 
 
 I Farmer 
 
 ride abroade, and leave his bread 
 
 amongst his customers, came to a Far- 
 mers house, where having left on the 
 Table what he thought fitting, he fained 
 an excuse to goe into the Yard, and 
 comming where three or foure fat Geese 
 
 and a 
 Baker. 
 
 were 
 
358 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 [Part VI. 
 
 were in a Pen, thinking that no body- 
 can see him, he cuts the throate of the 
 best of them, flings her into his basket ; 
 then up he gets, and away hee rides. 
 All which the Goodman of the house 
 looking through a window espied, and 
 called aloud after him, Baker, Baker. 
 The Baker answered nothing but I will, 
 I will, and so posted away as fast as he 
 could gallop. Upon this the Farmer 
 serves him with a Warrant and brings 
 him before a Justice. To be short, the 
 Baker confesseth the having of the 
 Goose ; then the Justice askes what is 
 become of her. Marry (saith he) I dis- 
 posed of her, as this Farmer, my friend, 
 appointed mee. How fellow as I ap- 
 pointed thee, replyed the Farmer ? Make 
 that appeare before Mr. Justice. Why 
 thus, saith he, having the Goose, I knew 
 
 no 
 
Countries] 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 359 
 
 no way ith' world how to dispose of her, 
 till at length as I was musing with my 
 selfe, he cry'd out as loude as he could 
 ball, Baker, Baker : when I knew his 
 minde I did so, and bak'd she was, I 
 still expecting when he would come to the 
 eating of her. The Farmer grew into 
 choller ; but the Justice for the Jests 
 sake, tooke up the matter betwixt them. 
 
 Of two Countrey fellowes. 
 
 T 
 
 WO Countrey fellowes in a Barne Of two 
 
 Countrey 
 
 spying a Cow -turd on a high 
 
 beame, saith one of them, I wonder how 
 that should come there. And so doe I 
 quoth the other: it troubles me to thinke, 
 whether the beame came downe into tJie 
 flower, or whether the Cow got up to . the 
 beame, and layd it there. 
 
 fellowes. 
 
 Of 
 
360 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 [Part VI. 
 
 Of a Miller, a Country man, 
 his wife and his Mayd. 
 
 A 
 
 COUNTRY man sent his Maide to 
 the Mill with a grist : where, the 
 
 Of a 
 
 Miller, a 
 Country 
 ■man, his \ 
 
 wife and i Miller seeing her to be a young smug 
 
 his Mayd. \ 
 
 lasse, kist her, and gave her a clap it 
 seemes more than shee lookt for: the 
 Wench comming home, had nothing in 
 her mouth, but Here was a Miller with 
 all my heart. At which her dame won- 
 dring, shee would needs goe her selfe the 
 next time. But the Miller serving her 
 as he had served her maide, she came 
 home in the same tone and tune, saying 
 nothing, but here zvas a Miller with all 
 my heart! the good man amazed to finde 
 them both in one and the same Key, 
 would needes take the third course to 
 
 finde 
 

 Countrie.] 
 
 Moderne Jests. 
 
 361 
 
 finde out the Mistery: when giving the ; 
 Miller some harsh words, he fell about 
 his eares, and beate him soundly. This 
 done, the poore fellow came home well 
 knock'd, sate him downe in his chaire, 
 and sayd to himselfe, here was a Miller 
 with all my heart! which the wench : 
 over - hearing, ranne to her dame, and 
 told her of it ; adding withall, I doe not 
 think, but just as the Miller hath served 
 you and me, so he hath done to my Master. 
 
 On M. Little, Major of 
 Abington. 
 
 /°vNE M. Little, Major of Abington, 
 bearing a spite to a man in the 
 towne, upon a time pickt a hole in his 
 coate, and committed him to prison. 
 Now it seemes that Michaelmas is the 
 
 2 z 
 
 OnM. 
 Little, 
 Major oj 
 Abington. 
 
 time 
 
362 
 
 Witty Jeeves. 
 
 {Part VI. 
 
 time of Gaole delivery there for petty 
 offences, and the time when the old 
 Major is to relinquish his office, and a 
 new one to be chosen. Wherefore when 
 his friends came about him, commiserat- 
 ing his case, the old pleasant fellow 
 went merrily on, singing, 
 
 When Michaelmas is come y 
 
 and I shall be set free. 
 He care as little for Little, 
 
 as Little doth care for me. 
 
 On a 
 Welch- 
 man Ar- 
 raigned. 
 
 On a Welchman Arraigned. 
 
 A WELCHMAN having broke a house 
 
 to steale 
 Some Cheese y is caught : his Worship 
 
 scornes the Gaole. 
 Ods-pluti'a-nailes wil you not take her 
 
 word f 
 
 Her 
 
Countries 
 
 Pleasant Taunts. 
 
 3^3 
 
 Her great Gran-father was a Prittish 
 
 lord. 
 Her scorne to steale, her only came to 
 
 borrow 
 A sheese or two, and her will pay to 
 
 morrow. 
 His swaggering would not serve the turne, 
 
 but he 
 Committed was to gaole ; where he did 
 
 lye 
 Till Sisses next : his accusation read. 
 They ask'd him if he guilty were ? he 
 
 sayd, 
 Will you peleive her word, or will you 
 
 not ? 
 The Judge sayd T y if true ; why then, by 
 
 got, 
 Her is not guilty. But y as custome goes, 
 He askes by whom he will be trtfd, & 
 
 shews 
 
 The 
 
364 
 
 Merry Tales. 
 
 {Part VI. 
 
 The order of the Lawes how he must be 
 Try'd by 12. ho7test able men. Quoth he 
 Must her be try'd by 1 2. goot honest men ? 
 Her will be try'd by tK 12 Apostles then y 
 Pest dozen that her know. The Plain- 
 
 tiffes say 
 The 12. Apostles, till the judgement day, 
 Will not be seene, nor spoke withall, and 
 
 none 
 Can tell how long 'twill be, ere that day 
 
 come. 
 Long? qd the Welchman, pray you hold 
 
 their tongue. 
 Hers not in hast, but her can stay so 
 
 long. 
 
 FJNJS. 
 
APPENDIX. 
 
 ARCHY'S DREAM. 
 
 REPRINTED, BY THE KIND PERMISSION OF DAVID LAING, 
 ESQ., LL.D., FROM A COPY IN HIS POSSESSION. 
 
 3 A 
 
Archy s Dream, 
 
 SOMETIMES 
 
 lefter to his Maieftie, 
 
 but exiled the Court by 
 
 Canterburies malice. 
 
 With a relation for whom an odde chaire flood 
 
 voide in Hell. 
 
 Printed in the yeare 1 64 1 
 
Archy's Dream, fome- 
 
 times lefter to his Maieftie: but 
 
 exiled the Court by Canterburies malice. 
 
 With a relation for whom an odde 
 
 Chaire flood voyde 
 
 in Hell. 
 
 HE briefe reason of Archy's banishment was 
 
 this. 
 
 A Noble man asking what he would doe 
 
 with his handsome daughters, hee replyed he 
 knew very well what to doe with them, but hee had sonnes 
 which he knew not well what to doe with ; hee would gladly 
 make Shollers of them, but that he feared the Arch-Bishop 
 would cut off their eares. 
 
 Why I was exiled from Court having my jesting coate 
 pluckt off, few men are ignorant of, neither doe I much 
 care who knowes of it, in so much as my Antigonist hath 
 now no power to apprehend them ; if they should vouchsafe 
 a blundering murmour in my behalfe, my name is as famous 
 abroad, as hee infamous : I would not have his litle Grace 
 know so much if he were in authority at Lambeth, house 
 now, for the price of a paire of new shooes eares and all. 
 
 The 
 
370 Appendix. 
 
 The Authour. 
 
 Most (ingenious) Archy, scarce more Mundane felicity- 
 would I bee ambitious to inioy, than to arive at so happie 
 a Haven of knowledge, by which sufficiently I might (with- 
 out criticall censure) divulge thy witty, admirable parts : 
 when thou wert sayling on the mayne Neptune was then 
 ioyfull of so rare a burthen, and thought it unfit to carry 
 a wrinkled front, but smiled upon the, as if he would have 
 wooed thee to have been his companion, that thereby the 
 watery Nymphs ; after their sports done, seeming pensive 
 for their Metamorphosis, they might have beene infused 
 with enforced alacrity ; but storming Boreas owing thee 
 an ill office, broke prison, and in spight of Neptune Ship- 
 wrackt the Pinnace which so long shee bore, and cast thee 
 on a most unhappie shore. 
 
 But yet now at length receive comfort, Boreas is im- 
 prisoned, and Zephyrus with gentle gales doth blow, I 
 am certaine well thou knowest it, I am sorry thou ever 
 knevvst to the contrary ; for me thinke it should bee unfit 
 to make thy Muse quce semper Iocosa fuit, which alvvaies 
 was merry, goe with blubbard cheekes : but time which 
 bringes all things to passe, hath brought him (thy ad- 
 versary, I meane) into farre greater then ever thou wert 
 in. Of whom not since thou dreamedst, which give me 
 licence to declare unto all men which shall desire to 
 know it. 
 
 Archy 
 
Appendix. 37 1 
 
 Archy (sometimes Iester to his Maiesty) was upon a night 
 being prostrated upon his bed, (to take naturall rest,) very 
 much troubled by meditating of the Arch -Bishop Lauds, 
 unlawfull actions. First by thinking how hee being a clergy 
 man, delighted in nothing but exactions and then anon of 
 the unheard of mallice, hee bore aginst him ; thus long 
 time tumbling, and tossing, upon his unquiet bed, at length, 
 Morpheus, with his leaden maule arrested him, and then for 
 a time was he still. But not long so, but he was disturbed 
 in his sleep, and dreamed after this manner. 
 
 The Dreanie. 
 
 How that he was placed, on a pinnacle which reached 
 farre above Phosbe's diocesse and a little below him, he saw 
 a poore Scholler, which was delivering of a petition to one 
 of the Starrs, which so soone as shee received it, caught a 
 fall and so lost the Petition, upon which the Scholler was 
 forst to descend for another petition, which he thought was 
 presently done, but by that time he was lifted up into 
 Phcebus his chariot, by the reason of which splendour, he 
 could soone perceive any terrestiall creatures. But yet he 
 could deceive the poore scholler, as any as high as Phcebus, 
 to whom he delivered his petition, and shee to Phcebus, who 
 tooke it, and read it, the contents were these. 
 
 I the most unfortunate of the whole tribe of Levi, by 
 spirituall assistance, have had the priviledge to declare my 
 srrievances which are these. 
 
 First 
 
372 
 
 Appendix. 
 
 First we are abused by such a flat cap citizen, who if he 
 perceive one of us at one side of the way, hee will be sure 
 to crosse over, on purpose to take the wall of him. Calling 
 the scholler saucy rascall, if he but offer to withstand him. 
 
 Secondly, those which are able to buy great personages, 
 have them, although they have had never any nurture in 
 an Academy, except out of a library of notes, borrowed of 
 some old clarke, or other, which he in former time had 
 gathered at severall places. 
 
 Thirdly if we be not made of cannon proofe, wee are in 
 danger of Episcopall censure. 
 
 Fourthly, we must not preach more then the Arch- 
 Bishop of Canterbury, William Latcd, will allow off. For 
 feare of the forfeiture of our eares. From these and the 
 like greevances, we most humbly desire great love to de- 
 liver us. 
 
 Which Petition was no sooner read, But Canterbury, 
 was presented to my view, who looked more like a spirit 
 come out of purgatory, then one ready, to receive the 
 Papall diadem me thought I was straight, descended from 
 Heaven to Hell, where I saw blind Bonner, and Woolsey 
 dancing a galliard, whipt forward by a company of Hellish 
 haggs, the three furies danced for females. Pluto set to 
 see the pastime, behind whom set a company of men 
 making chayres, who as fast as they made chayres they 
 were filled, only on was set by for whom I asked, they 
 answered for Laud; against he came thither, all which 
 time were the three Arch - Priests dancing, but anon, I 
 
Appendix, 
 
 373 
 
 saw a company of people which preferred bills against 
 Canterbury, why Rhadamant had the perusing, who passed 
 his iudgement thus upon him saying. 
 
 It is but fit that he against whom that bil was preferred, 
 should be for ever banished Elizium because the law for 
 his hainous offences did require the same, at which poore 
 Canterbury quaked, and trembled; like a leafe ready to 
 drop downe in Auttimne: upon whom Cerberus lookt very 
 wishly that he might know when he saw him again, by and 
 by me thought a troop of the chiefe Regents servants took 
 him and bound him hand and foot, and so threw him into 
 Carons boate, which the followers of Pluto, made such an 
 horrible noise, which awaked mee: notwithstanding for a 
 time I lay speachlesse, not knowing where I was, at length 
 I came to my selfe, and so soone as I arose, I went to a noble 
 friend of mine, and told him my dreame, who said to me. 
 (that the day before) Canterbury was carried into the Towre 
 
 For which Archy said he was very sorry, but could not 
 cry: by this may a man perceive that though a man be 
 never so Honorable, Puissant, Rich or Learned, yet if his 
 vices Obnubilate his vertues, he shall not be respected, but 
 farre more contemned and abhorred then if hee had never 
 had such guifts bestowed upon him. Why there is at this 
 time scarce a child in the street, but dares speake against 
 him, which not long since no man durst speak a sillable 
 against, but that it should have beene esteemed as pettie 
 treason. 
 
 But now the times are changed, and his pompe altered, 
 
 3 B 
 
 and 
 
374 Appendix. 
 
 and hee now waites for a tryall which heretofore tryed so 
 many. 
 
 A Postscrip. 
 
 You which the dreame of Archy now have read, 
 Will surely talke of him when he is dead : 
 He knowes his foe in prison whilst that hee 
 By no man interrupted but goes free. 
 
 His fooles coate now is far in better case, 
 Then he which yesterday had so much Grace : 
 Changes of Times surely cannot be small, 
 When Jesters rise and Archbishops fall. 
 
INDEX. 
 
INDEX. 
 
 Age, Degrees of, 35. 
 
 Answer from a Jaques-farmer, 
 
 239. 
 Answere, A Modest, 264. 
 Answere, Simple Fellowes, 143. 
 Answere, Souldier-like, 85. 
 Answer of Sweetheart to Parson, 
 
 35o. 
 Answere, The, 250. 
 Answer, A Wise, 61. 
 Answer, Wise and Witty, 41. 
 
 ,, 41- 
 Answer, A Witty, 108. 
 Answer, Witty, from a Court 
 
 Lady, 51. 
 Arche over-reach'd, 48. 
 Atturney, Countery, 36. 
 
 Bacon, Of frying, 329. 
 
 Bakers Wife and her Sweetheart, 
 
 275- 
 Barbar, Of a, 229. 
 Barber new married, 282. 
 Bargaine in Smithfield, 218. 
 Bed, Of one that kept his, 220. 
 Beere, On Small, 140. 
 
 Beggar, An Old, 308. 
 
 Bellarmine confuted, 115. 
 
 Bill, A Long, 55. 
 
 Bishop and a Gentleman, 191. 
 
 Bishop to his Serving-man, 53. 
 
 Bonner, Bishop, 23. 
 
 Boyes Answer to Queen Elizabeth, 
 
 114. 
 Burning of a Schoole, 122. 
 Businesse to no end, 341. 
 Butcher that married a Tanners 
 
 Daughter, 332. 
 
 Calfe, A, that was supposed to 
 have eaten a Man, 319. 
 
 Cambridge Schollers, Three, 142. 
 
 Captaine to be arrested, 69. 
 
 Captain, A Casheird, 65. 
 
 Captaines, Salutation betwixt 
 Two, 73. 
 
 Captaines, Two Old, 67. 
 
 Carters Reply to a Lawyer, 353. 
 
 Censure in the Chancery, 51. 
 
 Chandler, Of a, 209. 
 
 Cheater, A, 178. 
 
 Cheater, A, and a Tapster, 163. 
 
 3C 
 
378 
 
 Index. 
 
 Cheesemonger, Of a, 160. 
 Citizen, A Rich, and his Sonne, 
 
 260. 
 Citizen and his Wife, 220. 
 Citizen, A Penurious, and his 
 
 Prentise, 196. 
 Clarke of a Church, 159. 
 Cloake, Borrowing of a, 207. 
 Cloake, A Short, 199. 
 Coales (M.), and M. Billet, 136. 
 Cobler in the Whyte Fryers, 223. 
 Colledge-Cooke and a Young 
 
 Scholler, 121, 
 Collier that tooke Tobacco, 221. 
 Companions, Two Ancient, 79. 
 Company at Dinner, 236. 
 Conceit, A Pretty, 291. 
 Conceit to make up Rime, Pretty, 
 
 47- 
 Conceite of a Woman, 132. 
 Constable, A Simple, 186. 
 Coughing in ones Grave, 102. 
 Counsellour and his Client, 153. 
 Countrey Boy and a Cuckold, 
 
 326. 
 Countrey Fellow and his Wench, 
 
 323- 
 Countrey Fellow speaking of an 
 
 Homily, 288. 
 Countrey Fellow going to vindicate 
 
 his Fathers Credit, 338. 
 Countrey Fellowes, Two, 359. 
 Countrey Gentleman and a City 
 
 Barbar, 295. 
 Countrey Gentlewoman going 
 
 through Inns of Court, 52. 
 Countrey Man and his Landlord, 
 
 338. 
 Countrey Mans Answer to his 
 
 Landlord, 334. 
 
 Countrey Man comming to en- 
 quire after a Gentleman, 242. 
 
 Countrey Man, Of a, 154. 
 
 Country Fellow at a Gentlemans 
 Table, 317. 
 
 Country Fellow hunting with the 
 King, 316. 
 
 Country Gentleman coming to 
 Court, 2. 
 
 Country Man and his Hogge, 342. 
 
 Court Lady, A, 1. 
 
 Courtier, On a, 7. 
 
 Cuckolds Homes, In what place, 
 should grow, 219. 
 
 Cuckold, A Woman called her 
 Husband, neately, 267. 
 
 Daughter, A Querulous, 346. 
 
 Devill, One charming the, 226. 
 
 Dice, Gentleman that played with 
 False, 33. 
 
 Doctor and a Countrey Fellow, 
 322. 
 
 Doctor and a Scholler, 112. 
 
 Doctor of Physick and a Serving- 
 man, in. 
 
 Doctor of Physicke that lay sicke, 
 118. 
 
 Doctors Answer, no. 
 
 Doctors Man, Of a, 95. 
 
 Doctors of Physicke and a 
 Chamber-pot, 281. 
 
 Drawer, Jest put on a, 275. 
 
 Drawer, A Sleepy, 185. 
 
 Drinker, A Moderate, 113. 
 
 Drunkard, A, 189. 
 
 Drunkard and his Wife, 166. 
 
 Drunkard and a Signe-post, 345. 
 
 Drunken Mans Mistake, 262. 
 
 Dwarfe, 19. 
 
Index, 379 
 
 Early Rising, 134. 
 
 Frenchmans Observations, 263. 
 
 Eater, A Great, 157. 
 
 Friend, Who the Surest, 38. 
 
 Egge, Of an, 324. 
 
 Friends, Two, falling out, 291. 
 
 Elizabeth (Queen), entertained, 27. 
 
 Friends, Two, well met, 62. 
 
 Empericke and his Man, 183. 
 
 Frieze Jerkings, 157. 
 
 Enemies, Pretty Way to reconcile, 
 
 Funerall Sermon, 131. 
 
 78. 
 
 Gallants, Roaring, 295. 
 
 Englishman at a French Ordinarie, 
 
 Gallowes, A Man on the, 165. 
 
 162. 
 
 Gardiner, Bishop, 106. 
 
 English Man and French Man 
 
 General, An English, to some of 
 
 courting, 50. 
 
 his Officers, 71. 
 
 English Man in France, 56. 
 
 Gentleman arrested, 298. 
 
 Epigrame, An, 113. 
 
 Gentleman and a Barbar, 155. 
 
 Epitaph, An, 6. 
 
 Gentleman and a Chamberlaine, 
 
 Epitaph, An, 8. 
 
 333- 
 
 Epitaph, An, 100. 
 
 Gentleman and a Citizen, 158. 
 
 Epitaph, An, 120. 
 
 Gentleman and a Constable, 184. 
 
 Epitaph made on a Cobler, 204. 
 
 Gentleman and a Drawer, 240. 
 
 Epitaph made upon an Honest 
 
 Gentleman, Fantasticke, 19. 
 
 Cobler, 201. 
 
 Gentleman knighted, 7. 
 
 Epitaph upon a Scolding Woman, 
 
 Gentleman knighted, 18. 
 
 230. 
 
 Gentleman and his Mistresse, 314. 
 
 Eye, Man with One, 248. 
 
 Gentleman and his Mistresse, On 
 
 Face, Of a Red, 274. 
 
 a, 10. 
 Gentleman to his Mistresse, 38. 
 
 Face painted, 21. 
 
 Gentleman and a Parson, 106. 
 
 Face painted, 22. 
 
 Gentleman, A Tall, and a Low 
 
 Farmer and a Baker, 357. 
 
 Taylor, 187. 
 
 Farmers Wife and her Sonne, 313. 
 
 Gentleman and a Theefe, 301. 
 
 Father and his Daughter, 302. 
 
 Gentleman-Usher to fight a Duell, 
 
 Fire and Toe, 206. 
 
 83- 
 
 Fire and Toe, 315. 
 
 Gentleman visiting his Friend, 
 
 Flatterer, On a, 5. 
 
 202. 
 
 Fooles, None but, refuse Money 
 
 Gentleman, having buried his Wife, 
 
 offered them, 266. 
 
 died through griefe, 331. 
 
 Foole, One begg'd for a, 22. 
 
 Gentlemen, Two, falling out, 188. 
 
 Fowle, Of one, a Gentleman, 17. 
 
 Gentlemen at an Ordinary, 181. 
 
 Fray, One that parted a, 217. 
 
 Gentlemen at a Taverne, 171. 
 
 Frederick (Emperour), and a 
 
 Gentlemen in a Taverne, 290. 
 
 Beggar, 30. 
 
 Gleaner of Come, 332. 
 
380 Index. 
 
 Gold, Of Light, 255. 
 
 Justice of Peace and a Horse- 
 
 Goose, Jest upon, a, 132. 
 
 stealer, 297. 
 
 Goose, King of Swedens, 36. 
 
 Justice, Remarkeable Peece of, 
 
 Goose, An Old, 70. 
 
 3 r 7- 
 
 Gray Hayres, 33. 
 
 
 Greeting betwixt two Gentlemen, 
 
 King a hunting, 13. 
 
 245. 
 
 Kitching, Epitaph on Mr., 117. 
 
 Grocer that broke, 282. 
 
 
 Gurmandizer, A, 190. 
 
 Lady, Demure, 58. 
 
 
 Land-lord and his Tenant, 307. 
 
 Hobson, Old, the Carrier of Cam- 
 
 Latine Verse, Old, made witty use 
 
 bridge, 145. 
 
 of, 141. 
 
 Hobson's Epitaph, 147. 
 
 Lawyer and a Constable, 279. 
 
 Horse-courser, A, 216. 
 
 Lawyer, Of a High-way, 311. 
 
 Horse, A, and a Pecke of Oysters, 
 
 Lawyer and his Taylour, 45. 
 
 167. 
 
 Lawyers and Souldiers, 127. 
 
 Horse pissing into the River, 13. 
 
 Little (M.), Major of Abington, 
 
 Horse-stealer, A, 178. 
 
 361. 
 
 Horses to let, 256. 
 
 Locksmith and his Wife, 284. 
 
 Host, Good Advise of an, 247. 
 
 Lucies Maintenance, 259. 
 
 Hostesse, A Deafe, 181. 
 
 Lye, A Cleanly, 180. 
 
 House broke open, 218. 
 
 Lye, Of giving the, 340. 
 
 House, Reversion of a, 195. 
 
 Lyer, A Desperate, 86. 
 
 Inne-keepers, Two, 173. 
 
 Madman in Bedlam, 259. 
 
 Invitation to Dinner, 235. 
 
 Major, A, of Oxford, 135. 
 
 
 Major, A, and his Serjeants, 356. 
 
 Jeare, A Witty, 287. 
 
 Man and a Maide betrothed, 345. 
 
 Jeaster, Jeast upon a, 194. 
 
 Man and Wife that had beene false, 
 
 Jest, A Hungry, 352. 
 
 336. 
 
 Jest, Knavish, 249. 
 
 Marriage, Answer touching, 54. 
 
 Jest returned, 278. 
 
 Marriage, A Caveat for, 249. 
 
 Jest, A, retorted, 227. 
 
 Marriage, An Unequall, 231. 
 
 Jest well retorted, 246. 
 
 Marriner in a Storme, 72. 
 
 Jest of the Sonne upon the Father, 
 
 Marryed Man who had but One 
 
 268. 
 
 Eye, 82. 
 
 Judge to a Client, 48. 
 
 Masse, Of the, 141. 
 
 Jury, A Corrupt, 293. 
 
 Master of Arts, One created, 102. 
 
 Justice, A, and a Bawde, 210. 
 
 Master of Arts, A Young, 97. 
 
 Justice, A, and his Man, 300. 
 
 Master of a Ship, 306. 
 
Index. 381 
 
 Match, A Hard, 271. 
 
 Physiognomer, A, 122. 
 
 Matrimony, Asking the Banes of, 
 
 Physitian and a Farrier, 244. 
 
 289. 
 
 Pictures hanged, 9. 
 
 Maurice, Grave, and Marquesse 
 
 Pigge, A Stolne, 80. 
 
 Spinola, 68. 
 
 Plato's Yeare, 128. 
 
 Metamorphosis of Fooles, 127. 
 
 Playing with Words, 107. 
 
 Miller, Country Man, Wife and 
 
 Prentice, Of a, 182. 
 
 Mayd, 360. 
 
 Pretty Passage, A, 129. 
 
 Mistake, An Easie, 287. 
 
 Priest and a Patron, 137. 
 
 Mistake, An Ignorant, 351. 
 
 Principall, The, of an House, 94. 
 
 Mistake, A Pretty, 277. 
 
 Pumpe cut downe, being stopt 
 
 Mistresse, A Lovely, 27. 
 
 with Stones, 257. 
 
 Moore-fields, On the Trees in, 
 
 
 250. 
 
 Question, Silly, 60. 
 
 Names, Curtailing, 26. 
 
 Rape, Pretended, 352. 
 
 Nobleman in his Gallery, 2. 
 
 Rape Roote, 14. 
 
 Nobleman and Physitian, 29. 
 
 Rome, One travelling to, 4. 
 
 Nobleman and a Serving-man, 
 
 Rosa, On, 37. 
 
 43- 
 Nose, One with a Great, 161. 
 
 Salutation, A, 28. 
 
 Nose, Of a very Red, 173. 
 
 Saying, Noble and Wise, 39. 
 
 Nose, A Wry, 205. 
 
 Saylor, A Desperate, 73. 
 
 
 Scholler's Devise,. A Young, 120. 
 
 Office in reversion, 24. 
 
 Scholler and a Dyer, 144. 
 
 Old Man, How an, lost his Sonnes, 
 
 Scholler married, 99. 
 
 270. 
 
 Scholler and his Sweetheart, 137. 
 
 Ominous, The Word, 116. 
 
 Scholler and a Townsman, 109. 
 
 Oppressour, An, 205. 
 
 Schollers and a Miller, Two, 131. 
 
 Orders, One that came to take, 
 
 Schollers, Two, 98. 
 
 *39- 
 
 Scoggens Conceit to the French 
 
 
 King, 46. 
 
 Painter, A Famous, n. 
 
 Scold, On a, 253. 
 
 Painter, An Unskilfull, 227. 
 
 Scold, One that had a, to his Wife, 
 
 Papist to be converted, 34. 
 
 234- 
 
 Papist and a Puritan, 155. 
 
 Scotchman and his Mistresse, 304. 
 
 Parson and a Sicke Man, 340. 
 
 Scrivener and his Man, 222. 
 
 Parson to his Sweetheart, 349. 
 
 Scuffling, Two, in the Streete, 
 
 Passenger in a Tempest, 328. 
 
 165. 
 
 Peter Martyr, 97. 
 
 Sermon, One onely Pocket, 348. 
 
382 Index. 
 
 Serving-man, Of a, 299. 
 
 Traveller drowned, 109. 
 
 Sheriffe, A, and a Baker, 327. 
 
 Travelling, Of, 59. 
 
 She-servant that came to take her 
 
 Travellours, Two, 321. 
 
 oath, 198. 
 
 Truth, An Abominable, 16. 
 
 Shift, A Pretty, 264. 
 
 Truth, An Abominable, 75. 
 
 Sicke Man, Of a, 303. 
 
 Tutor and his Scholler, 93. 
 
 Signe Post, Of a, 310. 
 
 Tylers, Two, 254. 
 
 Signes, The Twelve, 103. 
 
 
 Souldier begging of a Scholler, 
 
 Usher (Gentleman), that let a Fart, 
 
 129. 
 
 32. 
 
 Souldier, A Drunken, 74. 
 
 Usury, On, 206. 
 
 Spanish Armado, Old Song on 
 
 Usury, One that preached against, 
 
 the, 87. 
 
 294. 
 
 Spanish Travellour, 301. 
 
 
 Speech, Resolute, of one contemned 
 
 Vintners Boy, 203. 
 
 for Low Parentage, 84. 
 
 Vintners, Five, 211. 
 
 S. P. Q. R., 20. 
 
 
 Steward, Nobleman's, 42. 
 
 Wager of Eating, 66. 
 
 Stratford upon Avon, 315. 
 
 Wall, Two striving for the, 216. 
 
 Swimming, Of, 197. 
 
 Wall, Taking the, 26. 
 
 Sword, A Little, 81. 
 
 Weather, Cold, 126. 
 
 Sword, A Sharpe, jj. 
 
 Welch Deacon reading the Comi- 
 
 
 nations or Curses, 354. 
 
 Tall, A, Man and a Low Man, 
 
 Welch Reader, A, 190. 
 
 292. 
 
 Welchman arraigned, 201. 
 
 Taunt to a Lawyer, 61. 
 
 Welchman arraigned, 241. 
 
 Taverne reckoning, 183. 
 
 Welchman arraigned, 362. 
 
 Taylor, Jest upon a, 272. 
 
 Welch-man that challenged the 
 
 Taylors Retort upon the Draper, 
 
 Field, 76. 
 
 273- 
 
 Welchman and a Cutpurse, 195. 
 
 Taylour, A London, 269. 
 
 Welchman to pay a Reckoning, 
 
 Tenant, A, to the Archbishop, 
 
 257- 
 
 3°9- 
 
 Welchman, Upon a, 350. 
 
 Theifes, Two Men rob'd and bound 
 
 Welchmen, Two, in a Robbery, 
 
 by, 355- 
 
 298. 
 
 Thiefe, A Famous, 169. 
 
 Wench belonging to Hollands 
 
 Tobacco Man and his Wife, 285. 
 
 Leaguer, 261. 
 
 Tobacconistam, In, 251. 
 
 Wench, A Handsome, and a 
 
 Translator, Of a, 108. 
 
 Justice, 179. 
 
 Transposition of Letters, 40. 
 
 Widdows, Two Old, 177. 
 
Wife, To chuse a, 6. 
 
 Wife, One jealous of his, 225. 
 
 Winde, Of seeing the, 344. 
 
 Wine, Of, 200. 
 
 Wits, Two, vying together, 243. 
 
 Wittie put off, A, 39. 
 
 Woman beaten by her Husband, 
 
 328. 
 Woman beating her Husband, 
 
 253- 
 Woman and her Confessour, 232. 
 
 Woman, A False-hearted, 353. 
 
 Woman, New-married, that called 
 her Husband Cuckold, 252. 
 
 Woman the Weaker Vessell, 248. 
 
 Women, Of, 119. 
 
 Women commending their Hus- 
 bands, 265. 
 
 Women, Two, scolding, 232. 
 
 Women Writers, 60. 
 
 Woodrofe, Dicke, and the Ser- 
 geants, 237. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
Murray &> Gibb, Edinburgh, 
 Printers to Her Majesty's Stationery Office. 
 
 VI 
 

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