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 SFFIELI). 
 
 ADVEB 
 
 Important to every one— Just Completed, 
 
 A VALUABLE INDEX, 
 
 Containing the ARMS of nearly 
 EVERY FAMILY IN ENGLAND, 
 IRELAND, AND SCOTLAND. 
 
 J The result of Thirty Years' LABorit, extracted from Public and 
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 Families desirous of knowing their Proper Crest or Coat of Arms are 
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 Plain Sketch of any Person's Arms £0 3 6 
 
 Coloured ditto J J J 
 
 Arms, Crest, and family motto 1l 
 
 Arms of Man and Wife blended together 18 
 
 ABMS Quartered and Emblazoned in the most elegant style. 
 
 Family Pedigrees traced from, authentic Records at the College of Anns, 
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 THE MANUAL OF HERALDRY, 
 
 Four Hundred Engravings, 3s. 6d., post free, by 
 
 T. CULLETO N, 
 
 Genealogist, and Lecturer on Heraldry at the Mechanics' Institute, 
 
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 CULLETON'S HERALDIC OFFICE for Engraving Arms on Stone, Steel, 
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 Verified particulars 
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 SOLE LICENSEE, 
 
 COWARD CASPER, 
 
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 Every description of Carving in Wood executed, including 
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 LESSONS GIVEN. 
 
 I rver and designer of the cekbrlted Robinson Crusoe and 
 n Ch f a ^f deboards, the latter of which (by the kina pTr 
 T ' , ° *• ^Committee is now exhibiting in the Polytechnic 
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 MADAME VAMRY^s1SMIH^MEWAOT7fb7in^iSlv 
 
 on the Hair," post tree, T Madame Valery's "Treatise 
 
 46, WIGMOBK STREET, CAVENDISH SQUAKE. 
 
ADVERTISEMENTS. 
 
 TOURISTS AND TRAVELLERS, 
 
 VISITORS TO THE SEASIDE, AND OTHERS 
 Exposed to the scorching rays of the sun, and heated particles of dust, will find 
 
 ROWLANDS' KALYDOR 
 
 A mast refreshing preparation for the complexion, dispelling thecln. 
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 Freckles, tans, spots, pimples, flushes, and discoloration, fly before its 
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 The heat of summer also frequentlv communicates a dryness to 
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 ROWLANDS' MACASSAR OIL, 
 
 A delightfully fragrant and transparent preparation, and as an in^ . 
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 ROWLANDS' ODONTO; 
 
 Oil PEA-RL DENTIFRICE, . 
 
 A ^hite powder compounded oftne choicest and ^ost fragrant exotics. It ***** <« 
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 Cure all Curable Diseases. 
 
 PROVED by an experience of forty years. Half a million 
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 Sold bv appointed agents and chemists and medicine vendors, in boxe>, 
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 M ORISON'S VEGETABLE APERIENT, CLEANSING 
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 THESE Powders assist the action of the Pills in secu 
 speedy cure. . , 
 
 Sold in boxes at Is. l^d. each. 
 
 MORISON'S UNIVERSAL OINTMENT 
 
 M1HIS Ointment is recommended as the best external appli 
 ± tion in all cases of Wounds, Cutaneous Eruptiona, &c. 
 In pots at Is. l^d. and 2s. 9a. each. 
 
 MORISON'S PILLS, POWDERS, and OINTMEN1 
 Universal Vegetable Medicines. 
 THESE Medicines are prepared only at the British Loll. 
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 C ^ectioTp^vs i an'd < ^e r Hygeian publications in most know* Ian. 
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ADVERTISEMENTS. 
 
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 SEWING & EMBROIDERY MACHINES.' /C? 
 
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 Sample of Wine or Spirits, 12 stamps. "Ditto, 
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 Champagne, 10,000 Dozens, in Bond, at 21s. 6d. ; 
 
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 Laurence Pountney -hill, Cannon-street, E.C. 
 
ADVERTISEMENTS. 
 
 LAMPLOUGH'S PYEETIC SALIISiE 
 
 Is the only antidote in Cholera and Fevers. Forms a most agri 
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 LAMPLOUGH'S PYRETIC; SALINE, forms a most agreeable rei 
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 The late Dr. Prout characterised its discovery as " unfolding gem 
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 William Stevens, E:-q., M.U., D.C.L., states in his -works on Choler; 
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 The late Dr. Turley states, in a letter, that in the worst cases of 
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 John Spurgin, Esq., M.D., &c. Great Cumberland-street, offers hi 
 mony of approbation, especially in affections of the Liver or Bilious F 
 
 Letters from the Governor of* the West India Islands, received dur 
 month of Juno, 1863, and one from Sierra Leone, states it has proved i 
 feet cure in African Fever. 
 
 Prepared Solely by H. LAMPLOUGH, 
 
 113, EOLBORN, LONDON, E.C. 
 In bottles at 2s. 6d.* 4s. 6d., lis., and 21s. each; also at SAVORT 
 MOORE'S, and SANGER'S, Oxford-street ; WILKINSON'S, 270, R* 
 street, and by most respectable Chemists. 
 
 Vis the only antidote in Cholera & Fevers. 
 
 INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION, 
 
 LONDON. 
 
 < 
 
 
 s% 1862. mm^m 
 
 *&>*■» 
 
 -■ 
 
 
 
 
 ^;: ^?<4 
 
 On 
 
ADVERTISEMENTS . 
 
 BE VAN'S 
 
 New Registered Reclining Chair.. 
 
 This Chair is allowed to be the BEST that has ever been 
 invented. 
 
 It is easily adjusted. 
 
 Is strong a?id simple in its co7istruction. 
 
 In use it Expands the Chest, and gives general Ease and 
 Comfort to the body. 
 
 Is well adapted for Clubhouses, Hotels, and Gentle- 
 men's Libraries. 
 
 CHARLES BEVAN, 
 
 Inventor and Designer of Mediceval Cabinet Furniture, Upholstery, 
 and Decoration, 
 
 66, MARGARET ST., CAVENDISH SQUARE, 
 
 LONDON. 
 
ADVERTISEMENTS. 
 
 ARTIFICIAL TEETH AND PAINLESS TOOTH EXTRACTION. 
 291, REGENT STREET. 
 
 PAINFUL TEETH, or DECEASED STUMPS, EXTRACTED WIT 
 TAIN. No chloroform, and perfectly safe. 
 
 " There is no shame to our manhood if we distrust our own ability to endu- 
 anguish of the body. ... It is no secret that of late local ansesthesi • has 
 produced to such a decree, that the patient, retaining his consciousness, can wat< 
 surgeon's knife as it curs to cure, nnd yet be without the slightest sensation 
 phvsical s u fieri og"— Daily Telegraph, July 18, 18G6. 
 
 "To none is the public more indebted 'than to Mr. Day."— Illustrated News, 
 S2fi, June 9. 
 
 "Mr. Day has succeeded in robbing tooth extraction of its horrors, and wethi 
 are only fulfilling an act of duty by giving publicity to the fact."— Court Jo 
 page 5S2, May 26. 
 
 Mr. DAY, Dentist (late Principal Assistant to Mr. Eskell, of 8, Or , 
 nor-street, W.), 291, Regent-street (three doors from the Polytechnic). 
 
 IT'S NO FUN to pay 5s. for a Plate and 100 Ca^ 
 when you can have them for 3s. 6d. 
 
 IPS NO FUN to pay 2s. 6d. for 100 Cards, from 
 plate, when yon can get them done for 2s. 
 
 IT'S NO FUN to pay 10s. for Crest on stone seal, 
 
 • when you can get it as well done for 6s. 6d. 
 
 ITS NO FUN to pay Is. for engraving* Name on 
 
 watch, cane, &c, when vou can have the same 
 done for 6d. at T. COOPER'S Engraving 
 
 Office, 55, Fleet Street. 
 
 FLOSCULVUS' 9 yty 
 
 NEW PERFUME. y^$0> 
 
 ' It ought to hccome a general yS*^ >c^ ** ' 
 
 favourite."— Vide Court Circular, >^ ^y —--. A TT - 
 
 June 2nd, 1866. >^t>V^J/ HAIK 
 
 >- ^°*X DTE 
 
 !d - y/i^y/ Esta blished 1 851 
 
 '^£> r $y T hc only perfect DYE in one liqu 
 /*<& V^black or brown, 3s. Gd. per bottle post-1 
 
 'V* X'* 2 stamps. Sold by all Perfumers, &c. of n 
 
THE 
 
 BROWN PAPERS. 
 
 BY 
 
 Af^thur Sketchley. 
 
 REPRINTED FROM "FUN? 
 
 London 
 ; FUN" OFFICE, So, FLEET STREET. 
 
 1866. 
 
 : 
 
• 1 
 
 1*> 
 
 PRINTED D-S WTPD AND GLA 
 PBUBKIZ WOBK*, I 
 
 LONDON. 
 
iMoixUxiis. 
 
 ■ I. Mrs. Brown at the Royal Academy 
 II. Mrs. Brown goes to the Derby 
 
 III. A Letter from a well-known Lady 
 
 IV. Mrs. Brown at the Opera . 
 
 V. Mrs. Brown Visits the West End 
 VI. Mrs. Brown at the Dramatic Fete 
 VII. Mrs. Brown's Vote Solicited 
 VIII. Mrs. Brown on the Army . 
 IX. Mrs. Brown makes a Night of it 
 X. Mrs. Brown Visits the Monument 
 XL Mrs. Brown goes in for Bargains 
 XII. Mrs. Brown at a Wedding . 
 
 XIII. Mrs. Brown pays a Neighbourly Visit 
 
 XIV. Mrs. Brown among the Teetotallers 
 XV. Mrs. Brown at the Old Bailey . 
 
 XVI. Mrs. Brown and the Emperor of the 
 
 French ..... 
 
 XVII. Mrs. Brown on Domestic Servants 
 XVIII. Mrs. Brown on Housekeeping 
 
 XIX. Mrs. Brown and the Glazier 
 XX. Mrs. Brown at Margate 
 
 PAGE 
 
 9 
 IS 
 20 
 
 25 
 32 
 39 
 43 
 49 
 55 
 62 
 68 
 
 74 
 80 
 86 
 
 93 
 
 100 
 106 
 in 
 117 
 122 
 
XXI. Mrs. Brawn on the Move . . .127 
 
 XXII. Mrs. Brown on the County Court . 133 
 
 XXIII. Mrs. Brown on Guy Fawkes . .139 
 
 XXIV. Mrs. Brown on Furnishing . .145 
 XXV. Mrs. Brown on the Lord Mayor' s Show 151 
 
 XXVI. Mrs. Brown gets a Treasure . .158 
 
 XXVII. Brown keeps his Birthday . , .164 
 
 XXVIII. Mrs. Brown on Modern Houses . .167 
 
 XXIX. Mrs. Brown goes to an Evening Party . 1 74 
 XXX. Mrs. Brown on Society . . .180 
 
 XXXI. Mrs. Brown has a Dog brought Home . 186 
 
jPl\EFACE, 
 
 The following letter, in reply to o?ie I had addressed to 
 Mrs. Brown, will probably render any further intro- 
 duction to the "Brown Papers" unnecessary: — 
 
 Mr. Scratchley, — 
 
 The idea of you, Sir, a-asking- my leave for to 
 write a book about me is rich indeed, when I'm sure 
 youVe been and made that . free with my name as 
 will make me a by-word to my dyin' day, as the 
 sayin' is, and not able for to put my nose over the 
 door in comfort, tho' I'm sure a quieter neighbour 
 wasn't never know'd ; and as to asking- my birthday, 
 it's a downright insult, as is not likely for to send me 
 no presents, I'm pretty sure ; and as to your sayin' 
 as I was born in the early sentry, I only wish as my 
 dear mother was alive for to hear you, thro' my 
 father bein' a fellowship porter, as couldn't bear 
 the name of a soldier, 'aving- had a brother as 
 'listed, and never heard on no more ; not as he was 
 much lofs, I should say, from what I've heard her 
 speak about him, as was the terror of the family, 
 thro' being given to liquor, and w^ould pledge any- 
 thing for to get it, till at last sold his-self for a shil- 
 ling-, and perished in the wars. But to say as I can 
 remember the Regency is downright false, tho' living* 
 
VI. 
 
 in his Park seven years, and remembers it well, as 
 was ahvays damp, thro' bein' a clay soil, and 'ave 
 heard say was a farm, tho' not the place for it as I 
 should care about 'aving myself, as is very well for 
 the country, but would never do in London, I should 
 say ; for it's bad enough to see the cattle drove thro' 
 the streets, and what they'd be a-feeding all about 
 the place, gracious knows, as I'm sure them sheep 
 in the Park is a downright disgrace for blackness, as 
 must spoil the wool, and give the meat a nasty 
 flavor; leastways, I can't bear nothing smoked 
 myself, as is downright carelessness, and what I 
 never would have, for it spoils the tea, if the least 
 bit gets in. All as I've got to say is that it's all thro' 
 you as I've been brought to light at all, as is what I 
 never would have put up with, and if Brown had a- 
 been a man of any sperrit he'd a-took it up, as the sayin > 
 is. But law, p'raps it don't matter after all ; for I'm not 
 ashamed of myself, and don't care who knows about 
 me, for Fm sure I've had my trials, if 'ard w r ork is one; 
 and now as I'm come to be more comfortable circum- 
 stanced, and can set at my ease a-looking backwards, 
 and don't wish as things had been different, as might 
 have been worse, for we knows what things 'as been, 
 but don't never know what they might have been ; 
 tor I'm sure I've seen others worse off than myself, 
 and yet never thought as it would come to it, thro' 
 'olding their 'eads that 'igh as is sure to have a fall, 
 for a prouder woman than Mrs. Whatman I never 
 see, as walked about a -tossing of her 'ead like a oss 
 at a funeral and nothing to be proud on, Fm sure, 
 
Vll. 
 
 with the bed took from under her, as is a painful 
 position I should say, tho' p'raps them as is used to it 
 don't feel it, as would be my death, to say nothing- of 
 the disgrace, as I'm sure sure some people ain't no 
 feelin', or that Mrs. Warne never could have had 
 the face for to put up "Genteel Apartments," when 
 her place was a downright dog hole, and as to twelve 
 shillings a week, it was highway robbery downright ; 
 and no wonder as parties always bolted, tho' as to 
 her a-saying as that brought her to ruin, it's rubbish, 
 for if ever there was a woman as took a drop, she 
 was the party, a-sendin' out the girl for it all hours, 
 downright brazen, as a bottle in the apron always 
 looks bad in my opinion ; but if you want to know 
 any more about me ask the neighbours right and 
 left, and you'll hear a plenty, as I've had to threaten 
 with the law once or twice; so you look out as you don't 
 go a-printing any things as is like a label on me, for 
 I've got friends in the law, thro' one a-being a porter 
 at a law stationer's these fifteen years, and my own 
 niece's boy is in chambers in the Temple, as is a easy 
 place at six shillings a week, tho' lonesome, thro' the 
 gentleman always a-promising to be back in ten 
 minutes, and never a-turning up no more. Mind, I 
 don't want none of your flattering butter, a -talking 
 about my wirtues, and as to your a-sayin' as people 
 likes me, that's all very well, but why ever shouldn't 
 they, as never did them no 'arm, nor wouldn't hurt a 
 fly was it ever so? Only, whatever you say, don't gG 
 about a~statin' as isn't true, for I never had a con- 
 sumption, as you meant for to hawk me about on 
 
Vlll. 
 
 book-stalls, tho' I'm sure there's a many I could give 
 ideas to in welcome, as don't seem to have none in 
 their own heads; tho' I will say as book-learnin' 
 don't do much good, except to them as has their 
 senses about 'em, and then books isn't necessary ; 
 but parties 'as often told me as I spoke like a book, 
 as I'm sure any one is welcome for to hear. So no 
 more at present, thro' Mr. Giddens, as I've got to 
 write it, being obligated for to go, and I 'turns him 
 many thanks thro' 'aving took that pains over it, and 
 remains, yours respectful, 
 
 MARTHA BROWN. 
 
The Brown Papers. 
 
 No. i. 
 
 ELL, they may call it a academy if they likes, 
 but it is no more like Mr. Spanker's as I used 
 to wash for as had a blue board and gold 
 letters in the Bow-road than nothing-, and as for me 
 going- it was only thro' Mrs. Simmons a-wishing- to 
 consult one of them West-end doctors about her 
 throat, and feeling- nervous says, "Would you mind for 
 to accompany me, Mrs. Brown, now ? " So I says as 
 I would with pleasure thro' her being far from strong, 
 and her own mother being gone to nurse another 
 daughter as is married out at Rotherhithe. So we 
 went in a cab as was the joltingest as ever I got into, 
 with both windows up, thro' Mrs. Simmons's throat, as 
 a draught might have laid hold on. 
 
 When we gets to the doctor's, and was showed 
 into a elegant room as had picters round about as 
 seemed to speak like, one gent had a eye like a hawk 
 as seemed to foller you all over the room. I couldn't 
 a-set in that room alone with that picter was it ever 
 so, and was glad wjien the gentleman as let us in as I 
 took for the doctor, and began a-telling about Mrs. 
 Simmons, as checked me — too rude, but never mind, 
 and certainly I never see such kindness as that doctor, 
 never, tho' I was surprised as he should a-took me 
 for Mrs. Simmons's mother, as must be sixty if she's 
 a day. 
 
10 
 
 It give me a dreadful turn when I see that doctor 
 a-ramming of drum-sticks, as I should call 'em, down 
 Mrs. Simmons's throat, and am certain as would have 
 choked me as couldn't even bear a herring-bone as 
 was near my death. But it did wonders, for, law ! 
 she spoke quite clear. So I says, "If ever my 
 throat is bad he's the man as I'll go to, and that 
 liberal as wouldn't take her money," and away we 
 goes. 
 
 So we walks on slow, for I says, " Mrs. Simmons, 
 mum," I says, " Cabs is cabs, and runs into money; 1 ' 
 so I says, " I don't see why a omblibus shouldn't do." 
 So she was agreeable, and we wanders on, and took 
 a bun, as is choking work if it hadn't been for a glass 
 of ale, and I must say them West-end streets is wide 
 and shady ; and when we come near Charing-cross I 
 see parties going up some steps, so I says to the 
 policeman, "Whatever is a-going on here ?" " Oh," 
 he says, "it's the RoyarCademy!" "Oh," I says, 
 indeed! What, where," I says, "the young princes 
 goes to school, I presumes ? " Well, he seemed to 
 smile, and says, "No, as it were allpicters." "What!" 
 I says, "Royal picters?" "Yes," says he. "Oh, 
 indeed! " I says. "Well," I says, "can any one go 
 in ?" "Yes," he says, " any one as pays a shilling." 
 "Well," I says, "that ain't much for to see the 
 Royal picters, as must be awful grand." 
 
 So Mrs. Simmons and me agrees to go up, and 
 there was sentries a-standing guard, so we pays the 
 money and goes in ; not as I held with my umbrella 
 being took away, and there's more stairs outside 
 and in than I cares for; but certainly the picters 
 was lovely with their gold frames a-gleaming, as the 
 saying is. "Why," I says, "they must be worth 
 millions. No doubt that's the reason they has soldiers 
 to guard them." Mrs. Simmons she bought a book 
 all about 'em as she would have read to me, only 
 
II 
 
 parties kep' a-shoving* and a-driving, and me not 
 having my glasses couldn't read for myself. 
 
 I suppose as there ain't no one but ladies and 
 gentlemen as goes to them picters, but of all the 
 shoving and driving sets as ever I came a-near they 
 beat 'em. I says, "Wherever are you a-coming 
 to ?" " We wants to see the Royal picters," says a 
 young gal. " So do I," I says, " so wherever is the 
 use of driving any one in the back like that ?" and 
 certainly that Royal picter was lovely, for all the 
 world exactly like the waxwork as I see at the 
 Baker's bazaar, as is reg'lar life all but breathing. 
 Well, this " Royal Marriage " is very near as hand- 
 some, tho' it don't look so grand thro' being small. 
 
 Mrs. Simmons says to me, "In my opinion the 
 Queen didn't ought to have gone like that." I says, 
 "Wherever is the Queen?" "Why," says she, "the 
 widow lady up in the window." "Go along," I says, 
 "why she ain't got no crown on." " No," she says, 
 "that's her way, she always is in weeds." "Ah!" I 
 says, " some does go on like that. I'm sure if any- 
 thing was to happen to Brown, weeds would be my 
 constant potion ; not as I holds with weeds at a wed- 
 ding; that's the reason, p'raps, as she have put on 
 that bit of blue for to take off the black." 
 
 " Oh," says a young chap as was a-standing there, 
 "that's the garter." I says, "Young man," I says, 
 " however dare you mention such a thing afore ladies. 
 You did ought to be ashamed of yourself." But he 
 only giggled like a jackass, as I see he was. 
 
 Well, I was a-standing looking at a picter, tho' 
 Fd seen one just like it all but the colours afore in the 
 Lustrous Penny Paper as we takes in. I says to Mrs. 
 Simmons, "Did ever you see such 'eaps of parsons? 
 One would think it was a misshnery meetin'." I says, 
 "They can't have much to do." Well, a stout party 
 as was standing near says to one of them very par- 
 
12 
 
 sons, "As she couldn't see nothing-, cos of this fat 
 old woman as has been sticking- here all the morning." 
 I says, " Who are you a calling- fat ? I'm sure you'd 
 better look at homo for fat." So the parson he says, 
 "My good woman, don't be offensive." I says, 
 " Offensive," I says, " I scorns your words ;" and I 
 says, " As to sticking-, I shall stick here as long- as I 
 please ; and I think if you was at home a-preaching* 
 of your sermons you'd be better employed than 
 a-idling- away your time here." I says, " Offensive ! 
 if you come to that you're none so agreeable," and I 
 walks off in a huff. 
 
 "Well," I says, "Mrs. Simmons, I don't think 
 much of these picters ; give me wax- work as is more 
 natural." She says, "Oh, I wants to see the Prince 
 of Wales !" So we goes to where he was a-'anging, 
 and I never did — not a bit like the beautiful young 
 gentleman in the velvet and whiskers as was being 
 married, but a poor sick thing, as I says to Mrs. 
 Simmons, "If he was a child of mine, asses' milk 
 would be the word with me." 
 
 Then there w r as horses and dogs all over the place, 
 and picters of ladies and gentlemen as wore frill and 
 velvets, with their boots a-shining like anything, and 
 there was bishops as looked as tho' in pain, pertikler 
 one as they call the Bishop of London, as will be 
 apoplexy very shortly if he will wear that stock, and 
 there was another bishop as I took for a lady, thro' 
 having of a red gownd and no crinoline, with clean 
 muslin sleeves. And we met a lady as was very 
 friendly, and knowd all about the picters and them as 
 painted 'em. I says, " It's very tiring," I says, " to 
 the eye to have to look up. Why ever do they hang 
 'em up there ?" " Oh," she says, "them picters isn't 
 'Cademicians." "Oh," I says, "I suppose done by 
 the day boys?" She only laughs and says as "There 
 is many as tries all their lives to get hung and can't." 
 
13 
 
 I says, "You may well say that; but/' I says, "they 
 hardly ever hangs any-one now-a-days." 
 
 Well, we sat down, we talked quite pleasant, for 
 my feet was that shooting like jobbing daggers, and 
 I really felt quite of a whirl, and was that sorry as I 
 hadn't no refreshments with me, for picters is dry 
 work, and then Mrs. Simmons got in a fidget to be 
 getting home, so we hadn't time for to study them 
 like, but see one as give me quite a turn. Mrs. 
 Simmons said as it was a sacred one, but I should say it 
 was the old gentleman with a pair of yellow horns 
 a-branching out each side ; so I was a-pointing 'em 
 out to Mrs. Simmons when up come a Jack-in-office 
 of a policeman and says, " If I see you do it again 
 you'll have to step it." "Step what?" I says. 
 "Why," says he, "I've been a-watching you a- 
 poking and a-pointing all the way round the room." 
 
 Well, just then a lady hollers out, "Oh, I'm 
 robbed !" It give me such a turn. She says, " My 
 portmoney is gone, and this old woman's been a-fol- 
 lowing me everywhere." 
 
 I thought I should have dropped, for the policeman 
 takes hold of me, and poor Mrs. Simmons she was 
 ready to faint, and there was such confusion, and 
 they was a-talking- of searching me, and I don't 
 know what, when all of a sudden the party as said 
 she was robbed hollers out, "No, I've got it." 
 "Well," I says, "you did ought to be ashamed of 
 yourself," I says; "I won't stop in such a den of 
 wagabones. It's my opinion as you looks more like 
 a thief than a horse yourself, mum," and so I bounced 
 out of the place, and, bless ye, if I hadn't been and 
 dropped the ticket for my umbrella, and they 
 wouldn't give it me, as in my opinion is all part of 
 their swindling ways ; and when we got out we was 
 both that, faint as we couldn't move a step, so was 
 compelled to have a cab home, and all I've got to 
 
14 
 
 say, it's my belief as that 'Cademy is a humbug- 
 altogether, and Fm sure they don't learn no manners 
 there; and as to their picters, I'd rather see 'em quiet 
 in the lustrous papers as I can enjoy in my own 
 house. 
 
 *~ Ni!ff^ ~ 
 
No. 2. 
 
 (HE Derby, indeed! I should like to catch 
 myself-a-going. None of your races for me, 
 Mr. Brown, as is things as has brought more 
 parties to ruin than perhaps drink itself, as will un- 
 dermind the pocket and bring sorrow to the heart. 
 I ain't a-going to race. It's all very well to talk about 
 Mr. Heafey's cart, but I knows what that is capable 
 on, that time as we did go. Certainly the weather 
 was lovely, and me a-panting for the green fields, so 
 I give way. 
 
 So Brown says, "Go or stop as you likes, but 
 Fm off, and there's a seat in the cart for you." I says, 
 " Brown, if you think as Fm a-going to make a third 
 on the front seat of that cart you're mistaken, for Fm 
 sure, let alone being scrouged up, Mr. Heafey's elber 
 in my side constant I can't stand," thro' him being 
 that wiolent with that horse, and a-jerking at his 
 mouth, and was enough to rinse his head off, so I 
 says, " No, thank you." " Well," says Brown, " then 
 have a chair behind, where there's room, and ample, 
 for four." 
 
 Certainly the day was what I call a lowery day, 
 and I said as there'd be rain afore long, thro' the new 
 moon-a-comin' up very much on her back, and my 
 feet being that throbby as made me jump agin, and 
 I was up that early as made me feel tired afore we 
 started. And touch a bit with my breakfast I could' nt 
 was it ever so, and Brown was that aggravatin' and 
 
i6 
 
 saying- as I was dressed too hot, but I says, " I'm sure, 
 Brown, a-settin about in the open air all day is apt 
 for to stagnate the blood, as will take a chill sudden/' 
 
 Mrs. Heafey, she's quite the lady, tho' thro' being 
 his second, don't get on with his daughter by the first, 
 as is older by two years, and as plain a gal as ever 
 you set eyes on, but dressed out in a clear musling, as 
 showed her black boots, as looked bad ; and then 
 there was little Charley, as certainly Mrs. Heafey do 
 make a fool on, thro' him bein' the only one, and 
 sickly from his birth ; and there was Mrs. Heafey's 
 mother, as is a party I can't abear, thro' havin' seen 
 her in liquor myself; and then there was Brown and 
 me, seven in all, and I'm sure the way as that cart 
 tilted up when Mrs. Jarvis, as is Mrs. Heafey's mother, 
 got in behind nearly pitched me backwards, and I was 
 that aggravated with Brown, as keep a-callin' of us 
 ballast. And when we started, the way as the sharfs 
 stuck out in front of that horse's head like horns was 
 singler, but certainly he looked beautiful, thro' being 
 dressed out lovely with lay locks and laburniums, and 
 seemed quite proud on it, a-tossing of it up like a 
 fellow-creature ; and certainly a very pleasant drive 
 we had, I must say ; not as I was over comfortable, 
 thro" the basket of provisions being crammed in so as 
 I couldn't move my feet, and a large stone bottle of 
 beer a-crowding up the bottom of the cart, and that 
 boy Charley a -keeping* a climbing all over the cart, 
 as I expected under the wheel at every turn. 
 
 Well, if it hadn't been for the dust as was clouds, 
 I should have liked to have looked about me, and was 
 thankful for a glass of ale now and then as we took, 
 and it was very pleasant but for words atween Brown 
 and Mr. Heafey about the road, as got thicker and 
 thicker at every turn as we took ; and I never did — 
 sich elegance, the carriages with ladies dressed that 
 lovely as made you quite think as they must be 
 
*7 
 
 duchesses at least ; and the post boys with silk jackets 
 and ribbins, and the gentlemen in their wails as looked 
 very effemeral, and the driving- and the hooting- ; but 
 whatever they kep a-shooting- peas at me for I can't 
 think, tho' I'm sure some gentlemen outside of a four- 
 horse coach was werry polite, and says, " Ow are 
 you, Mrs. Brown ? " and I certainly was very nigh 
 stifled with heat and dust, and when the sun come out 
 I thought I should have died. When all of a sudden 
 we stopped thro' a sudden jerk as pitched me nearly 
 out of the cart, and then found as we was there, and 
 glad I was to get out of that cart, tho' my limbs that 
 cramped as down I goes thro' Brown a-jumping me 
 out sudden, and I says, " Brown, I never shall get up 
 no more unless I has a something for to take," as 
 certainly brought me round. 
 
 But law, the dust, I never was in such a state, and 
 I was downright sick of hearing them Heafeys a- 
 wrangling, so I walks myself off along with the child. 
 Brown, he hollars out ; and he says, " Don't you miss 
 us." I says, " Brown, I wasn't born yesterday," and 
 off I goes, and we walks along- and kep' seein' the 
 company arrive. 
 
 Well, we was a-walking along, and fellows kep' 
 a-offering of me cards, and wanted me to have a shy, 
 and a brazen creatur begun a-telling of my fortune 
 along of the side of a carriage where there was a 
 lot of grinning fellows, and the next carnage was 
 full of parties, as of course was ladies, but I must 
 say as they was too free in their ways for me ; so 
 after we'd walked about ever so long thro' feeling 
 tired, I says, " Charley," I says, "we'll go back." He 
 says, " Do," and we was walking along, when all of 
 a sudden I got a crack of the side of my head as 
 made me hollar, and down I goes like a shot. It w r as 
 one of them fools as was a-shying at pincushions 
 and things as had missed his aim and struck me. I 
 
i8 
 
 says, "You villain, I'll have the law on you. Police!" 
 I says, and if they didn't all laugh. Well, we kep' 
 a-walking and a-walking, and I couldn't see nothin' 
 of the cart, tho' I knowed the spot where I'd left it ; 
 so at last we gets out of the scrouge into a open place 
 where there wasn't nobody a-walking, and was look- 
 ing at a place where crouds was a-setting- one above 
 the other. I says, "I wonder who they can be," 
 when all of a sudden a chap comes a-ridin' up and 
 says, " Get off the course, will you ? " "No," I says, 
 " I won't. I'm a-looking for Mr. Heafey's cart as is 
 close at hand, and I shan't go till I finds it." 
 
 He says, " You must go. Here ! " he says, and 
 out rushes two policemen like tigers on me. Little 
 Charley began a-screaming, people was a-hollering 
 and a-hooting, the police catches 'old of me by the 
 arms, and if they didn't run me along with them till 
 my breath was gone and my legs a-failin', and 
 ketches my foot in something, and down we all went 
 with that shock as half stunned me, and when I 
 come to, parties was a-standin' round, and give me 
 water as I wouldn't touch thro' fear of a chill, and 
 Charley a-screamin' for his "Ma," and one lady says 
 to me, " Mum, it's a mercy as you're here ; for," she 
 says, " if them police harn't saved you, you'd a-been 
 run down." Well, I'd lost my redicule, and hadn't no 
 change to get nothin' for to pacify Charley, as would 
 keep on a-'owling awful, till I loses all patience, and 
 gives him a good shake, and heard Mrs. Heafey 
 hollar out, " You please to let my child alone, you old 
 wixen ! " and there we was close agin the cart. So I 
 says, "Mum," I says, "he did ought to be taught 
 better." 
 
 I was put out, for Brown began a -blowing me up 
 and said as theyd waited for me ever so long ; and 
 if they hadn't been and had the wittles and messed 
 everything about I I'm sure the meat-pie as I'd made 
 
19 
 
 looked as if dogs had been at it. I couldn't a -touched 
 it, so I hadn't nothing- but a bit of bread and cheese 
 and a drop of beer as was flat as ditch-water, and 
 was that hurt with Mrs. Heafey, as I went and set 
 down on the ground, and certainly Brown did bring 
 me a little cold without when he come, and said he 
 was going. 
 
 So I gets into that cart with a heavy heart, and we 
 was just a-driving off when I got a blow in the back 
 as took my breath away, and if it wasn't parties in 
 coaches as was a-pelting with oranges as come as 
 thick as hail a-smashing all over me. I felt that 
 faint, that if I hadn't had a something in my redicule 
 as I kep' for a-takin' to support me ; and Mrs. Jarvis, 
 she was snoring- all the way, and was took ill quite 
 sudden, and said it was the cart ; but I says, " Mum," 
 I says, " its other things on the top of the cart ; " but 
 just then I took that faint myself, and down come the 
 rain in torrents, and crowds a-'owling and hitting at 
 one all the way from Clapham, and I remember r/ 
 more till I was in bed in the morning, and Brown say** 
 to me, jeering, " I say, old gal, beer and sperrits 
 won't mix." 
 
 I says, " Brown," I says, " that air was too bracing 
 for me to take-to sudden, and that's what disagreed 
 with me." He only says, " Walker ! " So I says, 
 " Never will I go so far out in one day and back 
 again so long as my name's Brown, for them sudden 
 changes don't suit me." 
 
No. 3. 
 
 & %tttei torn a MVlnabxi %vtb%. 
 
 [It would be absurd to pretend ignorance of the 
 writer of the following- epistle. We have searched 
 the police reports to find the grievance which calls 
 forth Mrs. Brown's indignation, and will briefly 
 epitomize the case. An application was made a 
 week ago to the sitting magistrate at Lambeth by 
 a gentleman, who complained that his mother had 
 been removed from her house in a cab by three 
 females, members of Mr. Spurgeon s congregation, 
 and that he had been refused admittance when 
 applying to see her at the house to which she 
 had been taken. On one of the summoning officers 
 being sent v/ith the applicant, it appeared that the 
 poor lady who was a lunatic, was in the care of 
 her daughter, who denied that any improper force 
 had been used in the removal. We quote the 
 portion of the report which appears to have given 
 offence to our correspondent : — 
 
 "Mrs. Mackentire, on the contrary, said that she (the invalid 
 lady) had been hurried and carried along when, from her own 
 expressions, she had no desire or wish to part from her son. 
 
 "Mrs. Brown, who was one of the three females who removed 
 Mrs. Hinckley, denied the statement of the preceding witness. ,, 
 
 With this brief introduction we leave Mrs. Brown 
 to speak for herself. — Ed.] 
 
 TO THE EDITOR OF FUN. 
 
 I IR, — Bern' informed as yours is a orgin as is 
 open to the wrongs of women, as mine would 
 fill volumes, as the saying is, I wants to ask 
 whatever I've done for to deserve it, as give me that 
 
21 
 
 turn when Mrs. Challin showed it me in the paper, as 
 made me legs tremble under me ; and no wonder, for 
 if there's a thing- as I've set my face agin it's anything 
 like kidnapping, thro' knowing what it is, when our 
 Joe was lost a whole day thro' follering a berrying, 
 and was thought to be 'ticed away artful, and me only 
 just down-stairs thro' Charlotte, as never was the 
 child to thrive arter, and taken off her legs with the 
 least thing, and cutting her teeth cross, as caused that 
 squint as she'll carry to the grave, tho' the mother 
 of three herself. Well, as I was a-sayin', when 
 Mrs. Challin borrowed the paper at the " Catherine 
 Wheel/ 7 drop I thought I must. "Me kidnap a 
 lunatic?" says I. "Why, if there is a thing as I 
 wouldn't have at a gift is one of the poor deluded 
 maniacs, as I never shall forget the one as got away 
 from the 'sylum, and run seventeen miles in his night- 
 clothes thro' the turnpike-gates, as was closed agin him, 
 took refuge up a chimbly, and very near frightened a 
 old lady to death as was lighting of the fire, thro' 
 lodgers a-comin' in unexpected. And then to say as I 
 used wiolence, as would walk out of my way for a 
 worm in my path, and don't hold with using of force 
 where arguments did ought to be, tho' I have knowed 
 them as you was forced to set on their legs a-gnashing 
 of their teeth, tho' only historical, as a jug of cold water 
 will often do wonders ; and as to pushing of her down 
 the passag-e, I never set eyes on her or ever heard tell 
 on her, nor them females, as in my opinion did ought 
 to be ashamed of theirselves, for it did put me out 
 that dreadful. The idea of mixing me up along* with 
 females as frequents Mr. Spurgin's, a party as I don't 
 hold in with in the least, as I never see but once at the 
 Baptist meeting, where I was took unbeknown, and 
 must say as he made that free with ser'ous matters as 
 I shouldn't care to set under, thro' bein' one as is 
 always a-looking up to the pulpit myself, and have 
 
22 
 
 heard beautiful discourses in my times, tho' none of 
 your dippins for me, as give me that turn when I see 
 them a-doing it as was obliged to leave the chapel 
 sudden, and the scrougin' and shovin' was downright 
 disgraceful at the door, and my pockets turned inside 
 out, as isn't goins-on for a Sunday in my opinion. So 
 will trouble you for to set me right, though my good 
 gentleman did laugh when I said as I'd have the law 
 on 'em as had took away my character ; and however 
 that magistracy could set there and hear such things 
 agin a quiet woman as has had her troubles, goodness 
 knows. Not as I don't say as he was right in sending 
 of her to Bedlam on the quiet, as is in my opinion the 
 best place for them as is so inflicted, tho' I have heard 
 my dear mother say as well she remembered it up in 
 Moorfields, as is now changed into the Catholics, where 
 screams was awful and groans untold, thro' chains and 
 whips, as is now done away. What I wants to know 
 is why a party should make free with my name, as is 
 well known, and can hold up my head with the best ; 
 and let them as can say anything agin me speak out 
 and do their best, as is every one's duty; and as to 
 being a female, if I'd a husband with the sperrits 
 of a mouse he'd soon make 'em prove their words; 
 but, lor bless you, there he sets a-smoking away at his 
 pipe, and a-smiling till I was that put out that I says, 
 " I do believe as you wouldn't care if I was pinted at 
 as I goes thro' the street ; but," I says, " I knows as 
 there is punishments for parties as says them things; " 
 for well I remember, tho' quite a girl, what appeared 
 in our street, and can see her now, tho' lifted up by 
 my own father, a-standing at the church-door, in 
 white, with a candle in her hand, as is the law; for 
 whatever can you do for to protect your own charac- 
 ter, a thing as is easy lost, if it wasn't as you could 
 punish them as makes too free. But as to my husband's 
 interfering it ain't to be looked to. So I says to 
 
23 
 
 Mrs. Challin, " If only our Joe would step in, as is 
 a wonderful scholard, p'raps he'd do it for me." 
 I But," says she, " Mrs. Brown, mum, as you've been 
 wronged, why not write, as," she says, " no one ain't 
 more capable; and certainly I did have plenty of 
 schoolin' out of my father's pocket, with a sampler as 
 I've got framed up-stairs, as shows marking as would 
 puzzle me now; but lor, if he was to know it I never 
 should hear the last on it, as said when I was a-com- 
 plainin', in the cold-bloodedest way, "Whatever 
 does it matter what they says about you ? " I says, 
 If you can lay down on your bed happy, a-thinking 
 as you've had a wiper a-festering in your bosim all 
 these 'ears, I'm not that party as can bear such 
 amputations, and would rather be took a-smiling to 
 the gallers, with a clear conscience, than a countess in 
 her carriage with a spangled repitition as may hold 
 themselves that 'igh, little dreamin' as them as they 
 looks down on as minerals is their betters, and 
 wouldn't bring a blush, tho' they may brazen it out, as 
 well I knows thro' my own aunt being cook and house- 
 keeper in a titled family, as the lady said to her, 
 " Mrs. Walker," says she, " that female will never 
 darken my doors," as will try it on and are to be met 
 with in the highest spears ; and for me, after all these 
 'ears, to come to be in print as a female, a thing as 
 no one ever dared even to breathe about me ! So, if 
 you can help me, I humbly trust as you will; and as to 
 Mr. Spurgin he's the last of my thoughts, and why 
 ever them young' people couldn't keep their troubles to 
 theirselves puzzles me, for I'm sure them quarrels in 
 families reflects no credit, and had better be kept 
 within their own bosoms ; but if you can only pint out 
 who it was as said it, which is what I want to get at, 
 I'll precious soon put the saddle on the right horse, 
 and would have gone myself and spoke up, magistracy 
 and all but them newspapers is no good, for they 
 
24 
 
 never tells you nothin' till it's over, for when I did go 
 up to that police they only laughed and said it was 
 clean forgot, and the parties gone they didn't know 
 where, except the poor lady as was out of her mind, 
 as it wouldn't be right to trouble about sich a thing, 
 tho' I have knowed them that rational as might be 
 able to indemnify as I wasn't the party illuded to by 
 the police, as would swear anything' as they was 
 ordered, thro' considering their duty, as is not to be 
 envied, but did ought to be taught for to respect any 
 one. As I don't wish my good gentleman to know as 
 I've rote I don't put my name, tho' you will know me 
 as a party as you've heered on by the enclosed card ; 
 not as I do no washing now, thro' being retired and 
 livin' comfortable. 
 
No. 4. 
 
 10. ^xotext at i\t (%er& 
 
 j AS ever you at the Italian Opera, Mrs. 
 Brown?" says Mrs. Walters to me last 
 week, as I was a-drinking tea along- with 
 her, as has a genteel apartment just close by the 
 Middlesex 'Ospital, thro' being- in the straw-bonnet 
 line, as isn't what it were, when I've give a guinea 
 for a Dunstable, as was all the fashion, out of my 
 own pocket, as would turn to the last, and then dye 
 equal to new. 
 
 So I says, " No, mum," I says, " I never were, tho' 
 Fve heerd tell on it often and often, thro' my dear 
 mother's own sister, as had a husband a fireman there 
 night and day, and I know well as she's often heerd 
 them Italians a-doing their music beautiful thro' him. 
 Not as all Italian means music, for I'm sure there's 
 Mr. Jennings, as keeps the Italian warehouse next 
 door but one to where we used to lodge, there 
 wasn't much music in his hollaring at his 'prentice in 
 langwidge as was downright low-lived, that it was ; 
 and as to Italians, I don't hold with their ways, as 
 I'm sure had something of a hand in my silver tea- 
 spoons, as was took, I may say, under my very nose, 
 while they was a-playing of their bagpipes and 
 a-dancing like maniacs broke loose all over the place, 
 but certainly they must be fond on it, as I should 
 say." 
 
 " Oh, yes," says Mrs. Walters, " it's well known 
 as they is, and Fve heard 'em myself and often." 
 
26 
 
 "So have I," says I, "and late o' nights, too, 
 a -playing on their orgins thro' the pouring- rain, as 
 nobody wasn't a-listening to, so must have a-been 
 a-doing it for their own amusements/' 
 
 "Well," says Mrs. Walters, "would you like for 
 to go and hear the Italian Opera ?" "Won't it be 
 late?" I says. "Oh, no/' says she, "we can come 
 away whenever we likes, thro' me a-having of a 
 friend as can get us in, and it's close by, not three 
 streets off" 
 
 " Well," I says, " Brown can't be here to fetch me 
 till ten at the earliest, and it may be half-past ; but," 
 I says, " no scrouging and pushing, Mrs. Walters, if 
 you please." "Oh, dear, no," says she. "I'm glad 
 of that," says I, "for I'm not one for no crowds, as 
 is a deal too free in their ways for me." 
 
 So when tea was over, and me being refreshed, as 
 is a meal as will do it when beef and mutton won't, 
 Mrs. Walters says, " There's plenty of time, and we 
 won't have no hurry-skurry." I says, " Not if I knows 
 it ; for," I says, " I'm warm clothed, and the least thing 
 would throw me into that violent glow as taking of a 
 sudden chill on might be the death on me ;" for thro' 
 the weather a-looking lowery, and being far from 
 settled, and never knowing how to dress, I'd took 
 precautions in my Saxony cloth, as look equal to 
 French merino, a black velvet bonnet, and my 
 Angola shawl. I was warm, not to say hot. So we 
 was a-chatting friendly over a little drop warm, thro' 
 being old friends, as lived oncet in a family in the 
 Regency Park, as she married from. I says, " Mrs. 
 Walters, mum, what is the name of this here Italian 
 Opera as we're a-goin' to?" " The Prince of Wales's 
 Theatre," says she. "Oh, indeed," I says, "I'm 
 sure I hope they don't go on there as they do at his 
 ma's." "Well," she says, "it was the Queen's 
 oncet." * " Oh, really," I says. " Yes," says she ; 
 
27 
 
 " but thro' her 'eavy inflictions she's give it up to the 
 Prince of Wales, along* with all the other grand 
 things as she don't take no pleasure in now ; as I can 
 feel for her, for when I buried Walters it seemed as 
 tho' all was took." 
 
 "Ah," I says, "poor thing ! she takes on dreadful, 
 Fm told, as is nat'ral. I often thinks on her when I 
 sees poor Mrs. Giddings, as lives at the back of me, as 
 was left with nine straggling infants, with nothin' to 
 cling to but the mangle, as is dragging her into the 
 grave ; and lost two families thro 7 taking on and not 
 going for the work reg'lar." 
 
 Says Mrs. Walters, "Why, there goes eight. 
 Bless * my heart! how we have been a-cha tiering." 
 So as we had our things on we started off, rather too 
 sharp for me, but soon got there, as is a elegant 
 place, and ladies a-goin' in dressed like ball-rooms, 
 as we had to stop till they was in, and was then 
 showed up two pair of stairs quite genteel, and real 
 gentlemen a-standin' about, as was that polite to Mrs. 
 Walters as makes me say, " Well, to be sure, it's 
 fine to be you," as certainly has a noble way with 
 her, thro' being used to quality in working for West- 
 end 'ouses. 
 
 So we got comfortable seats, tho' there was 
 more light than I cared for, thro' having eyes 
 as is easily infected ; but certainly it was lovely — I 
 never see, and the music a-playin', and a sweet pretty 
 picter to look at, and all the ladies and gentlemen 
 down below as looked like a flower-g-arden, and some 
 on 'em a-looking out of windows, leastways they was 
 like windows in having- of curtains but no glass. I 
 says, " Are they the singers ?" Mrs. Walters says, 
 " No— the boxes." "Oh," I says, " indeed." What- 
 ever she meant by boxes I can't think, for just then 
 they pulls up the picter and showed another as was 
 beautiful, the snow a-laying deep, as made it feel 
 
28 
 
 quite cool and refreshing- where we was, but must be 
 cold for them as lives there. 
 
 So I asks Mrs. Walters, "Wherever is it ?" She 
 says, " Over there." I says, " Indeed, 5 ' I says ; " I 
 hopes not among the Hottenpots, as didn't ought to 
 be showed, as I oncet see a Wenus myself of that 
 persuasion as was a sight for quantity ; " but just as I 
 was a-asking, in come a lot of young gals a-dancing 
 like mad, as their shoes was noisy, but p'raps they 
 did it for to keep theirselves warm, tho' I must say as 
 all the ladies didn't seem to mind the cold a bit in 
 low necks and short sleeves, and it's well it's no 
 worse, for some of them foreigners don't wear nothing 
 at all, as I've heerd my own godfather say as is 
 their ways over there. I couldn't exactly make out 
 what it was all about, no more couldn't Mrs. 
 Walters, as the heat makes sleepy; but of course, 
 thro' its being Italian, wasn't to be looked for. Cer- 
 tainly I never did see nicer-looking young gentlemen, 
 and dressed for all the world like Cheyney orna- 
 ments — dears, they was. I wanted to ask Mrs. 
 Walters about them, but whenever I opened my 
 mouth parties hished and hushed dreadful. 
 
 Well, one young gentlemen with lovely hair in 
 particular took my fancy, as spoke out reg'lar Eng- 
 lish, and made parties as didn't know theirselves 
 keep busting out a-laughing. I wonder as the young 
 gentleman wasn't hurt; but no, he kep' on a-smiling 
 quite pleasant; and then there come in a young 
 lady — I won't say a fine gal, but certainly a fine 
 ooman, with a 'ead of 'air as was wonderful. Well, 
 when she come forard I'm blest if they didn't clap 
 their hands and roar with laughter. I'm sure if it 
 had been me I should have got my temper up, and I 
 wonder it didn't hern, for them foreigners is "ot-tem- 
 pered and up in a minit, as I've often heerd them say 
 as has been in them parts; indeed, my own aunt 
 
29 
 
 thro' marriage, as never could a-bear the foreigners, 
 thro' having a niece of hern eat by them, as emigrated 
 to South Wales, thro' living in a missionary family, as 
 was all eat down to the baby in the cradle, as 
 couldn't have done nothing to provoke their appetites, 
 being that tender, as is nat'ral. 
 
 Well, they all got a-dancing and a-singing, as is 
 the ways with them foreigners, and a party come in 
 black, as had a muff on his head, and looked that 
 solemn as I should say he'd known sorrers ; and then 
 there was more singin' and dancin', and one young 
 fellow he jumped enough for to bring the place down, 
 as was a 'eavenly dancer. But, 'pon my word, my 
 head got a-aching thro' people a-laug-hing like mad 
 all about; so I says to Mrs. Walters, "Whatever is 
 there to laugh at ? " I says. " I can't hear a w r ord for 
 them," for with my velvet bonnet I'm rather hard of 
 hearing. So I says to a young chap as was a-setting 
 next me, " I wish as you wouldn't keep a-shouting out 
 in my ear. Whatever is there to laugh at ? I can't 
 see nothing to keep a -yelling like that ; " for, indeed, 
 the place looked solemn thro' being of a bedroom, 
 leastways I should say a shake-down for a make- 
 shift; and there was the solemn gent a-goin' to bed, 
 when if that fine gal as we'd seen afore didn't come 
 in thro' the winder ! 
 
 "Well," I says, "I never see such boldness in my 
 born days." I says, "Mrs. Walters, mum, if it don't 
 make no difference to you, p'raps you wouldn't mind 
 a-coming 'ome; for," I says, "it's all very well for 
 Royal families to go on like this," I says, "but I 
 should say as it didn't ought to be allowed. I'm sure 
 as no Queen as is a lady wouldn't have such goin's- 
 on under her nose." 
 
 So people begins to hollar from behind, "Set 
 down!" "I shan't," I says; "I'm a-going." Just 
 then a young fellow reaches over and fetched me such 
 
30 
 
 a bonneter, as the saying is, that if Mrs. Walters 
 hadn't have ketched me I should have pitched over. 
 T ups with my umbrella for to give him one back, 
 when it missed, and came down on a old gentleman's 
 bald head as was setting by. " What do you mean 
 by that?" says he. " I didn't go to do it," says I. 
 "Come out!" says Mrs. Walters, "you're a out- 
 raging decency." 
 
 "What," I says, "Anna Maria Walters, you turn 
 agin me ? " I says ; and I was that 'urt as I busted 
 into tears. I says, " You've been and sent a harrow 
 thro' me as will kindle in my bussim to the last." 
 Well, parties hollared so, and Mrs. Walters she 
 forces me into my seat, where I was a-sobbing fit to 
 break my heart, and didn't take no notice of nothing 
 till after a deal more singing and dancing they 
 dropped a large dark thing. 
 
 "Well," I says, "Mrs. Walters, mum, if you please, 
 let me go home." So we was a-going out when the 
 young chap as was close by he bust out a -laughing, 
 and says to another hidjeot, " I'm blest if that old gal 
 ain't took it all in earnest." I saywS, " You did ought 
 to be ashamed of yourselves a-grinning there." I 
 says, " If I was your mother Id keep you at home ; 
 for," I says, " you ain't fit company for the Prince of 
 Wales, you ain't." But they only grinned the more, 
 and I comes out with Mrs. Walters, as says, "What- 
 ever made you go on like that ? I think you must 
 have been a-dreaming." 
 
 "Well," I says, "Mrs. Walters, I don't want no 
 words with you," I says. " Not as I calls it friendly 
 in you to have took up agin me ; but," I says, " cer- 
 tainly that opera was uncommon lovely ; and no won- 
 der as princes is took with such a lovely gal as that ; 
 but why ever she should come a-walking about into 
 people's rooms like that puzzles me." 
 
 " Oh," says she, " she's a snambler." " A what ? " 
 
3i 
 
 says I. " Why, one as walks in her sleep." I says, 
 "Oh, indeed; why didn't you mention it? Well, 
 then/' I says, " I'd cure her quick, as is easy done, 
 thro' a-sewing their bedg'owns to the ticking, tying of 
 their legs, or even a thorough draught took sudden ; 
 but," I says, " in my opinion, them operas ain't much 
 better than plays, and I don't hold with them ; " and 
 we was home afore Brown come, and I never said 
 a word to him, for he's reglar play-mad, and if he 
 was to know as I'd been even to the opera he'd be 
 always wanting to drag me about to theayters, as don't 
 suit my complaint, so I don't go. 
 
No. 4. 
 
 *»♦ irrtbra f win t\z SSbt ©un- 
 
 says to Mrs. Probit, I says, "If she was a 
 child of mine I'd have it looked to; for," I 
 says, " turned twelve, and no taller than that, 
 don't prove strength." 
 
 So says she to me, " I don't never expect to rear 
 her, for she says the 'art is on the wrong side." 
 
 I says, " Oh, indeed ! " tho' for my part I don't be- 
 lieve she's got no 'art at all, as is a limb, and I knowed 
 very well as it was pigeon-breasted as the gal was, 
 and as crooked as a ram's horn, likewise in temper, 
 tho' parents don't see that clear as lookers-on. 
 
 "Well," says she, "wherever had I better take 
 her?" 
 
 I says, " There is one party where I've been with 
 to a doctor as did wonders with the throat, and why 
 not the chest, as is only a little lower down, and all 
 about the same regents, as I heerd the doctor say 
 myself." 
 
 Then she says, " We'll go to-morrow." 
 
 "No," I says, "never!" 
 
 " Why not ? " says she. 
 
 " Go of a Friday ? I won't." 
 
 "Well," says she, "right you are, for I've know'd 
 troubles thro' a-doing things of Fridays, for if that 
 very gal warn't born on a Friday, now you mention 
 it." 
 
 I says, " That's where it is, you see." 
 
33 
 
 "Well/' says she, "Saturday is a ill-conwenient day 
 for being out, and Monday ain't no better." 
 
 I says, " Well, say Tuesday, as don't seem no day, 
 leastways it's a day as I don't look to." 
 
 "Then/' says she, "Tuesday we'll go." 
 
 I says, " I'm agreeable." 
 
 If ever there was a toaster of a day it was that 
 Tuesday — sweltering I may say. 
 
 We started in very good time; me dressed that 
 cool, for I couldn't hardly bear myself; but the way 
 as Mrs. Probit had dressed that gal was downright 
 suffocation, with a fur round her throat and under- 
 clothes quite wintry. 
 
 Well, we had a cab, for Probit is well-to-do, and 
 a steady man, as keeps to his home, and that doating 
 of his children that if they could eat gold they might 
 have it, as is what fathers should be. Mrs. Probit is 
 certainly a fine woman, but too much on her for the 
 same side of a cab with me, as would have set on 
 the back seat willing only thro' it being that narrow 
 as throwed me too forward. 
 
 Well, Matilda Jane she was rather in the sulks, 
 tho' too much indulged by her ma. I says, "Mrs. 
 Probit, in my opinion them cherries as she's a-eating 
 is too many." But, law bless you, you might as well 
 hope to get butter out of a dog's throat as anything 
 eatables from them young Probits. 
 
 Her ma she got a-coaxing of her for not to eat 'em, 
 as only begun for to pout and whine and make faces 
 at me. I didn't say another word, tho' conscious as 
 Matilda Jane kep' a-shuving me a-purpose, tho' pre- 
 tendin' it was the cab as made her leg swing, and 
 jest ketched me in the shin-bone thro' her a-settin' in 
 the middle opposite to her ma and me. 
 
 Well, we got to the doctor's, and had to wait that 
 long thro' crowds a-bein' waitin' to see him. Some 
 on 'em looked bad, but there was them there as had 
 
34 
 
 nothing* but fancies I could see. When the doctor did 
 see us he very soon settled Matilda Jane, as was that 
 pouty as he couldn't make much on her, tho' he took 
 a deal of pains over her, to be sure, a -listening at her 
 chest and back with a strerryscope, as seemed to do 
 her good, for she breathed more free. 
 
 When we come out, Mrs. Probit she says, "I'm 
 tired of sitting, let's 'ave a bit of a walk." So as Ma- 
 tilda Jane had been promised for to see the Queen's 
 palis and all that, if she'd come to the doctor, we 
 walked along-. 
 
 Mrs. Probit she knows the West-end well, thro' 
 being- formerly a parlour-maid, near Brunswick- 
 square. But of all the worreting- gals it's that Ma- 
 tilda Jane. First one thing, then another, till you're 
 nearly mad. We walks "to Regency-street, where 
 we was in time for to see the soldiers, as goes up and 
 down twice a day in troops for to keep order, as is 
 certainly needed thro' the crowds. Them soldiers is 
 very grand, and them dear black osses, as they say 
 is as sensible as Christians, tho' I must say as them 
 steel coats must be warm wear. 
 
 The shops in Regency-street is wonderful. Wher- 
 ever they gets the things from and whatever they do 
 with 'em I can't think. Well, we was a-walking up 
 slow the shady side quite agreeable, when Matilda 
 Jane see a-something across the road, so we had for 
 . to cross, and if it hadn't been for the dark party as 
 was sweeping a 'crossing I never should have got 
 across, and jest as I was a hesitatin' on the kerb one 
 of them water-carts come by as pulled the string 
 malicious and regular deluged me. 
 
 Well, I give a run for it, and the pole of a 'bus 
 only jest cleared me, a-sencling- me so close to a dust- j 
 cart, as that frightened me as I run smack into a 
 doorway for me to recover a bit, and I was a-talkin 
 to Mrs. Probit and a gentleman come up. 
 
35 
 
 " You must be Mrs. Brown/' says he. 
 
 " I am that same/' says I. 
 
 "Then/' says he, "pray walk in and set down." 
 
 Well, as he was quite polite, and you could see one 
 as know'd a lady when seeing- of her, I did. 
 
 He says, " The weather is warm." 
 
 I says, " Uncommon." 
 
 When I was a little come to, he asked me if I'd 
 like for to see his picter. 
 
 Certainly a picter he was, dressed beautiful, with 
 that clean linen as was got up quite a pleasure to 
 look at, as them West-end swells always is. But it 
 wasn't his own picter, but of one of High Park, as 
 was that full of figures it was downright dazzlin', 
 Certainly I never did see a picter as was more life- 
 like, parties a-riding about beautiful. There was a 
 good many a-standing idle about, as is the way them 
 West-enders wastes their time thro' havin' nothing to 
 do. 
 
 Well, we was a-lookin' at the picter when a party 
 of ladies and gentlemen come in a-bouncing and says, 
 " Very good — very like the Royal family." 
 
 I says, " Where's the Royal family, Mrs. Probit ? " 
 
 She says, " There, you can tell them through their 
 red coats." 
 
 So one of them bouncers he busts out a -laughing, 
 as hurt my feelins, but I kep' a-lookin' at the picter, 
 but Matilda Jane was that fidgets as I says, "Mrs. 
 Probit, we'll go," which we did, a-thanking of that 
 gentleman as 'ad took us in and bowed that polite, a- 
 showin' of a forehead as is downright noble, and said 
 he'd a-knowed me anywheres, as is surprisin'. 
 
 So Mrs. Probit, as knows her way about, makes 
 for the park, as was decided agreeable, thro' a 
 findin 7 of a shady seat, and being provided with a 
 basket as had refreshments, we eat 'em pleasant, and 
 was able to get ginger-beer and curds and whey at 
 
36 
 
 one of the gates ; not as I holds with them curds, as is 
 'eavy to the stomach, but ginger-beer, with a some- 
 think in it as we'd provided in a flask, was a drink as 
 we took to. 
 
 Well, we set and rested ever so long, and see a 
 many as was a -riding and walking in them parks, 
 jest for all the world like the picter with the Royal 
 family left out, and we see one carriage go thro' full 
 of ladies as was all feathers. 
 
 " Why, if it ain't a drawin'-room," says Mrs. Pbobit. 
 
 "A what?" says I. 
 
 " A drawin'-room as is held by the Queen; lefs 
 come and see it." 
 
 I says, "I'm agreeable. But," I says, "we can't 
 take the basket and things into the drawin'-room." 
 
 She laughs and says, " Come along." So we gets 
 into the streets agin, and certainly the carriages was 
 a sight, and so was the parties in 'em ; I never see 
 anything like it, never. The feathers, the diamons, 
 and the gowns that size as they was a-eoming up all 
 out of the carriages. 
 
 Well, we walked along, and was able to see into 
 the carriage-windows, as was a-waitin' all along the 
 kerb thro' a-settin' down that slow, and certainly some 
 of the young gals w r as nice looking and pretty, tho' 
 many looked as if they was stripped for to give their 
 necks a good wash. As was all very well for them 
 as was young, tho' in my opinion looks bold, but, law, 
 some of the old ones was downright disgraceful. I 
 never did. 
 
 I says, "Mrs. Probit, this old lady in the wig, 
 as wants a little oil dreadful, will catch her death 
 a-setting here undressed like this, they did ought 
 to give her a shawl or a somethin'." I says, "I do 
 believe as her things 'as slipt unawares. Why ever 
 don't some one tell her on it as can't be sensible ? " 
 
 Says Mrs. Probit, "That's their ways; for I've 
 
37 
 
 know'd them do it night after night in draughts 
 enough to cut you in two." 
 
 " She did ought to be ashamed of herself, as must 
 be a grandmother if she's a hour, a-settin' there in 
 the open daylight exposed like that." 
 
 We walked on all down the street as leads to the 
 Palis, as is a dingy hole to look at outside, and at a 
 corner there was such a scrouging as I couldn't get 
 by, and were that squoze as made it painful thro 1 
 being druv up agin some boards as was a door put 
 trumpery agin a shop where I was that stifled, I says, 
 "Hair," I says, and don't know whatever would have 
 'appened if a gentleman, as must be a lord I should 
 say, hadn't opened the door sudden and pulled me in. 
 I thought I should have died, for they'd trod my shoes 
 down at the 'eels and my gownd was all out at the 
 gethers. 
 
 So I says to the gentleman as was that kind, 
 "Wherever do you think as Mrs. Probit is got to? " 
 He says as he couldn't say, but would make me 'ave 
 a glass of sherry wine, as was refreshing and be- 
 haved quite like a father to me. 
 
 So they says, " There goes the band ! " and helps 
 me up to see it, as was all welwet caps and gold lace, 
 and played beautiful. 
 
 I says, " When's the Queen a-comin'." They says, 
 1 Not to-day, thro' it being* only a princess as holds 
 the drawin'-room." 
 
 Well, I kep' a-settin' a-thinkin' as Mrs. Probit 
 might pass ; as she did not, so I says, " I must be 
 a-gettin' homewards, and shall fall in with her on 
 the way." So I thanks the g-entleman, and off I 
 starts, and if I asked one policeman if he'd seen Mrs. 
 Probit I must have asked twenty, but they was quite 
 rude. So I g*ets on till I sees a Blackwall 'bus, and 
 in I gets, and glad for to do so, and fell that fast 
 asleep as never to wake till we was passed our 
 
 c 
 
38 
 
 turnin', and was on the stroke of six when I got in 
 and found Brown a-waiting for his tea, and as to Mrs. 
 Probit she never got home till nine, and had the im- 
 pidence for to say as it were my fault for leavin' on 
 her with the child on her hands a-fancyin' as I'd been 
 run over, which is her rubbish, and only excuses for 
 a-goin' to drink tea with a friend, and in my opinion 
 give me the slip intentional. 
 
 So I up and told her a bit of my mind, for Matilda 
 Jane let it out; and certainly I was put out when 
 that aggravatin' young thing had the imperence to 
 tell me to my face as I was a nuisance, and her 
 mother said so, for which reason they'd left me in the 
 scrouge. 
 
 So I says, " Mrs. Probit, next time as you takes 
 that object to a doctor don't ask me." 
 
 Well, them remarks puts up her black blood, thro' 
 her mother bein' of a half-cast, so we ain't spoke 
 since. As I often says, it's a cold, ungrateful world, 
 and the more you does the more you may. But as to 
 them West-enders for going to show theirselves like 
 that to the Queen, it's downright a deal more than 
 barefaced, as they are. I don't hold with such ways, 
 as always was a fine clear skin, but not one to show 
 it like that, was it ever so. 
 
No. 6 
 
 DON'T think as ever I was so flustered in 
 my life, and all nothing after all. For I 
 was a-thinkin' as I was goin 1 to have a quiet 
 day, and set my heart on unpicking my coburg, as 
 Pm going to have dyed, when in comes our Jane's 
 Joe. 
 
 I says, "Joe, whatever is it?" 
 
 He says, " Mother has sent me over for to ask you 
 to come and spend the day to have broad beans and 
 bacon," as I'm partial to, and he says, " As Jane and 
 me is a -goin', and I'm that late as I can't stay a mo- 
 ment," and off he goes. 
 
 Well, I says, " I didn't want to go nowheres, but 
 his mother is that peppery if you seems at all cool, 
 and Brown does make such a row about me a-keep- 
 ing of her at her distance, as is a low-lived woman, 
 and given to abuse, so I thort as it was best to go. 
 
 The way as I busted through dressing nobody 
 wouldn't credit, and the heat as I was in was down- 
 right wapour baths. 
 
 Off I sets, and nearly dropped a-gettin' to the end 
 of the street, where I was just in time to miss a "bus, 
 and had to wait a quarter of a hour, which was as 
 well perhaps, for if I hadn't took a something at the 
 Catherine Wheel, I don't think as I could have gone 
 on. 
 
 When the 'bus did come it was that full, and the 
 
40 
 
 way as a party give me a shove, and used low abuse, 
 thro' me a-treading quite light on his foot, you'd a 
 thought as I'd been a elephant. 
 
 I got out of the 'bus close to London-bridge, as I 
 hurries over, thro' a-seein' as it was late, thro' Joe's 
 mother a-dinin' full early, as I considers twelve to be, 
 I was looking out for the Bermondsey 'bus all over the 
 bridge, as would set me down at the door, and gets 
 quite on to the top of Tooley-street when I hears, 
 "Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Brown! " So I thinks it's only 
 jeers, and keeps on, when a blow in the back nearly 
 sends me for'ards, and round 1 turns for to resent such 
 freedoms, and there was that boy Sam, as is Joe's 
 youngest brother, a-grinning like wild. 
 
 So I says, " Whatever do you mean by taking 
 away any one's breath like that ? " 
 
 " Why," he says, " mother says you're as deaf as 
 a beadle, and we've been a-hollarin' like mad at you, 
 ever so long." 
 
 I says, " Wherever is your mother? " 
 
 "Over there," says he; and there, sure enough, 
 all along the kerb, was Mrs. Simmons, as is Joe's 
 mother, tho' married again, standin', a-laughing like 
 mad. 
 
 " Wherever are you a-goin' ? " says she. 
 
 " Why, to see you, to be sure," says I. 
 
 " To see me, then you're in the wrong box, for I'm 
 goin' out for the day." 
 
 "Why, didn't you send Joe to ask me to come and 
 spend the day ? " 
 
 " Next Monday," says she. 
 
 "Well, you might have knocked me down with a 
 feather, I was that took aback. 
 
 " Where are you off to ? " says I. 
 
 "To the Dramatic Fair," says she, " at the Crys- 
 tian Pallis." 
 
 Whatever^ that ? " says I. 
 
4* 
 
 " Oh," says she, " for to give a home to them actors 
 as is past work/' 
 
 I says, " Oh, indeed, like Chelsea 'Ospital where 
 the Greenwich pensioners is." 
 
 Says she, " No doubt." 
 
 "Well," I says, "I'll take myself home again.' 
 
 "No," says she, "come along with us, and a plea- 
 sant day we shall have." 
 
 So I don't like to throw cold water over nobody, 
 and give way, and off we went just in time for to 
 have a good fight for the train, as I got into with dif- 
 ficulties, thro' the man a-shetting in my gownd, as 
 prevented me a-setting down comfortable, as was 
 *that scrouged, as it's w 7 ell as the journey wasn't long. 
 
 Dear heart! when we got there, what with the 
 stairs and passages I was dead-beat afore we got in- 
 to the Pallis, as was that full as one couldn't think 
 where they all come from. 
 
 The noise and the din was that confusion as I 
 couldn't make out whatever was a-goin' on. There 
 certainly was a deal of lovely ladies, as looked like 
 fairies in their musling bowers; not as I held with 
 the way as them young gents was a-staring and a- 
 making* remarks as was too free. 
 
 But, law bless you, I don't think as I'd been in the 
 place ten minutes before I lost sight of Mrs. Simmons 
 and all. So I went about a-looking at thing's as was 
 dancing sweeps, and acting of plays, for all the w T orld 
 like Brookgreen Fair, as I once went to when quite a 
 gal. After a bit I went for to see a wild-beast show, 
 as was certingly wery natural for stuffed and one 
 donkey, as was life-like even to eating. 
 
 What pleased me most was a gentleman in the 
 name of Toole, as was lecturin,' and certainly won- 
 derful he was, as showed off a stout gentleman, as I 
 should call a fine man. I see as they was parties as 
 know'd all manner as was wonderful to hear; not as 
 
42 
 
 I could see why ever some idiots kep' agrinnin' and 
 a-shoviif so as I couldn't hear distinct, but it must 
 have been very fine. Just as we was a-comin' out I 
 fell in with young- Sam, as took me to where his mother 
 was, and a very nice dinner we got, and plenty of 
 very good beer, as I enjoyed, and very agreeable 
 everything was, and when we was goin' off agin in 
 the Pallis, that Sam said as he would have a ice, a 
 thing- as I never tasted, and was persuaded, but, lor, 
 the first mouthful was that shock, for I swallowed it 
 sudden, thro' its being that slippy, and oh, the hagony 
 as I was in, and if it hadn't been for hot brandy and 
 water constant, I don't think I should have lived thro' 
 it, and w r as bent double, I may say, hours as broughttjP 
 on that headache as I was distracted, so I says, " Let 
 me alone quiet in a corner," and there I sat till Mrs. 
 Simmons come to say it was time to go, and she'd had 
 a pleasant day, and I dare say she had; but the 
 fright as we had to get into the train quite upset me, 
 and I was that bad all the way home that they put 
 me in a cab at London-bridge, and when I got home 
 Brown had to fetch Mr. Midget, as attends me, as 
 said it was a mercy it didn't bring on somewhat as 
 was serous, and me in them agonies thro' being 
 attacked by rheumatics as laid me up for many a day, 
 and it's my opinion, on the whole, as them Fancy 
 Fairs ain't much suited to me, tho' certainly very 
 beautiful they are, and if they do good, why, of course, 
 I ain't one to speak agin them, tho' they don't suit 
 me. 
 
No. 7. / 
 
 to. l&taiatis ffltc MiriMr* 
 
 J 'M sure the 'eat as I was in, and that grimed 
 as any one might have took me for a sweep's 
 good lady, thro' it bein' of a Friday, when I 
 will have 'em, as is all very well with their rammeners, 
 as they calls them, tho' nothing in my opinion like 
 the boys, as could go into the corners, where it will 
 lodge, as is dangerous and apt to ketch and bring* the 
 ingins on to you in no time, as is a heavy sum to pay, 
 especial when prepared to swear as you've been swep' 
 within six weeks, and I was a-saying to Mrs. Challin, 
 as is a 'ard-working woman, tho' not to be trusted 
 with sperrits about, as I'd go and clean myself up 
 a bit ; " for," I says, " I never can fancy my meals, 
 and take tea as I am, I couldn't was it ever so." I. 
 don't think as I'd hardly got my gown off afore I 
 hears Mrs. Challin a-hollarin', as is that deaf as 
 posts is nothing to it. 
 
 So thinking as she was a-wanting to know how 
 much milk as she should take, thro' hearin' it a-comin' 
 down the street, I puts my head over the bannisters 
 for to say make it a pen'orth, when figure as I was 
 there was two gentlemen a-standin' a-talking to Mrs. 
 Challin, as kep' answerin' foolish thro' not a-heariiV. 
 
 So I says to myself, " P'raps it's the lawyers," as 
 never will let us rest thro' Brown's aunt, as was 
 thought to have died intestines, tho' the will was quite 
 safe in her corner drawers, tho' wrapped in a old 
 handkerchen 
 
44 
 
 I says to myself, " I shan't hurry for you," so give 
 myself a good wash, and got my 'air on with a clean 
 cap and apron, and down I goes, fully expecting them 
 to have gone, as the saying is, when there they was 
 a-setting like lambs. 
 
 So I says, " Your pleasure, gentlemen," for I see as 
 they wasn't lawyers' clerks by their ways, as was 
 elegant ; for up they gets and a-bowing, bending I 
 may say. 
 
 " Have we the pleasure to address Mrs. Brown ? " 
 says they. 
 
 I says, " I am that party, at your service," for I 
 knows how to address them as is on a spear above, 
 thro' having lived in families as was so situated. 
 
 So they says as the weather was fine, as I said it 
 were, and they asks after Mr. Brown's health, "As," 
 I says, " is not what I could wish, thro' a nasty cough, 
 as he says is nothing, but just sich a one as my own 
 grandfather carried to his grave with him, and ajways 
 said it would be his end, as it turned out at eighty- 
 six, and had troubled him nearly forty years ; so I 
 always says it did ought to be took in time, as hore- 
 hound tea, with alicumpane powder, a bit of horse- 
 radish, and sweetened with treacle, softens the chest, 
 and will often bring it away." 
 
 "And how is your 'ealth, Mrs. Brown, mum?" 
 says the other, as was short, with red whiskers, thro' 
 the other party being a fine man, with a expanding 
 chest as would show a frill well. 
 
 " Why," I says, " I can't say much, tho' I keeps up, 
 but often with a aching back, for stooping does try 
 me a good deal, and I often feels if it wasn't for 
 Brown, as would miss me, I ain't much to live for." 
 
 And so I tells the gentlemen, as smiled agreeable, 
 and says, " Mrs. Brown, mum, youYe in your prime." 
 
 I says, " Go along ; I'm the grandmother of six." 
 
 Says they, " Never." 
 
4S 
 
 I says, "I am" 
 
 Then says they, " You must a-married in your tins/' 
 as I didn't know what they meant. 
 
 At last the little chap with the red whiskers says, 
 "Madam/' he says, " we've called for to solicit Mr. 
 Brown's vote for this gentleman," and he hands me a 
 card, as I couldn't read without my glasses. 
 
 So I says, " Oh, indeed ! Whatever wote does the 
 g-entleman require ? I hope as nothing ain't happened 
 to the beadle, as was the last as 'ad it, as fine looking 
 a man as you'd see in a day's walk a-standin' on them 
 church steps, with his cock hat and beef-steak collar, 
 as looked commandin' at the 'ead of them boys a- 
 beatin' of the bounds, as the minister, though lusty, 
 didn't look nothing aside of him, and them full parties 
 is often gone to-day and here to-morVow, as the say- 
 ing is." So it give me a turn when the gentleman 
 talked about Brown's vote. 
 
 But he says, a-smilin' benign, " No, mum," he says, 
 "it are not parochial, but," he says, "parliamentary, 
 thro' Mr. Brown 'aving of property in the Tower 
 Hamiicks." 
 
 So I says, " Oh, indeed ! " I says, "I hope they 
 ain't been and drawn Brown for Parliament as they 
 did for to serve on a jury, as took him away from his 
 home, and locked up three nights all along of one 
 fellow as wouldn't give in about a party being hanged, 
 as richly deserved it, and got it too, as I says, 'tho' I 
 don't hold with blood- shed in general, yet them as 
 does such things did ought to get it as io sure to come 
 home to them." 
 
 So the gentleman he says, " As he hadn't no wish 
 for to dictate to Brown about giving his vote, but that 
 if we wanted all manner of good things, as this was 
 the party as would do what is right by your Queen 
 and constitution, as he was anxious to preserve." 
 
 I says, " Of course the Queen did ought to be looked 
 
4 o 
 
 after proper, as is a-getting on now, thro* being the 
 grandmother of eight as I see *n the paper, tho' 
 that's nothing", for Tve six, as I said myself; but," 
 I says, "as to our constitutions, they're remarkable 
 *4*ood, or we shouldn't look as we do; for when Browx 
 is cleaned up a bit you'd guess him ten years younger 
 than what he is." So I says, " We don't want no one 
 a-looking after our constitutions, a-poking their n 
 into families, as is what I calls interference." 
 
 So the gentleman says, " Don't you wish for to see 
 Church and State kep' up ? ;? 
 
 "/ell," I says, "I thinks there's some as keeps up 
 too much state; for,"' I says, "there's Mrs. Graylings, 
 as keeps the lie shop at the corner, to see her go to 
 church of a Sunday morning you'd think as she was 
 the queen, and a wulgar squat figger for a green 
 satin gownd and a pink bonnet, with a nose like a 
 beetroot ; and as to him he's downright ridiculous, a 
 head and shoulders shorter nor her, a punchy figger, 
 as a blue coat and metal buttons don't set off, and as 
 plain a family as ever you see, and the eldest daughter 
 married quite miserable; tho' I knows what would 
 make thern drop their heads a little; and suppose he 
 is churchwarden, what o' that ? there can't be no 
 occasion for them stately ways." So I says, " None 
 of your Church and State for me." 
 
 "Then," says the gentleman, "we may reckon on 
 Mr. Brown being Liberal." 
 
 " Well/' I says, "that depends." I says, "It's as 
 much as people can do now-a-days to pay their ways 
 let alone being liberal, for I'm sure the price as things 
 is quite takes away your breath." 
 
 So says the gentlemen, " We hope to relieve 
 burdens of the working-man." 
 
 I says, " That's right, that is; but," I says, " in my 
 opinion the working-man 'ad better look after his- 
 self. It's all very fine to come a-talking about work- 
 
47 
 
 ing people bein ? looked after." I says, "You're pre- 
 cious careful of the working-man, you are ; you're 
 afraid of his getting- a drop of beer of a Sunday night, 
 when I'm sure we come in famishing from Chigwell, 
 and it only just struck eleven as we turned the corner, 
 thro' bein'- a good drive, and there we was done out 
 of our beer ; and then we mustn't have a bit of dinner 
 baked of Sunday ; jf it ain't fetched home afore half- 
 past one the baker mustn't give it, as 'appened to 
 poor Mrs. Giddings, as had starved and slaved to get 
 that bit of meat all the week, as was kep' late at 
 church thro' a bishop a-preachin', as she took all the 
 children to hear, and come home too late for to get 
 her dinner out, thro' the baker bein' fined the week 
 afore, as was left a-starvin' with seven on 'em, and 
 the bit of meat with a puddin' under reglar sp'ilt by 
 Monday mornin' w T hen she got it. 
 
 " Now," I says, " you leave the working-man alone, 
 and let him do as he likes, and if he dees wrong 
 there's the police as'll make it all square. However 
 would you like for a lot of working-men to interfere 
 with your going-s-on, and talk about improving of you, 
 as I'm sure needs it with your divorce courts, as is a 
 disgrace." 
 
 So says one of the gentlemen, "Mum, you did 
 ought to be in Parliament yourself." 
 
 I seed he was a jeering, as put me out, so I says, 
 "If I was I'd pretty soon set some on 'em to rights. ; 
 
 So the little chap with the red whiskers gives the 
 other a nudge, and then they both laughs, tho' a-try- 
 ing to keep it under, as I'd ketched 'em at it afore. 
 So I says, " Redicule is all very fine, and I dessay as 
 you're mighty fine in your Parliaments ; but," I says, 
 " don't come here a-talking and a-sniggering* and a- 
 grinning at me," I says, "a-taking up my time," as 
 was downright a starving for my tea. 
 
 " Excuse me," says the tall gentleman, " but really 
 
48 
 
 you have been a-talkihg that fast, Mrs. Brown, as we 
 haven't had a chance of saying a word; but/' he 
 says, "you'll tell Mr. Browx as he'll hear from the 
 candidate more fully." 
 
 u Well," I says, "I've heard quite enough, and as 
 to me talking it's a thing as I'm not give to, for, as I 
 often says, hear, and see, and say nothing is the best 
 way thro' this world." So they only gives a sort of 
 grunt and bows very low, a-wishing of me a good 
 afternoon; but, law bless you, they was masks of 
 deceit, for Mrs. Pollin she met 'em two doors off a- 
 laughing like mad, and a-talking about some old 
 woman as they'd had fun out of, and I dare say that's 
 what they was up to a-comin' here, but thro' me a- 
 knowin' of myself I don't give no one a chance of 
 makin' fun out of me, tho' when I did tell Brown he 
 went on that aggravatin' a-sayin' of course I was the 
 old woman they meant, whereas they wouldn't believe 
 me a grandmother; but Brown's a-g*oin' to wote agin 
 'em, as serves 'em right if they was a-rediculin of me 
 to my very face, as Brown says is very plain, tho' I 
 don't believe him. 
 
No. 8. 
 
 I ROWN," I says, " I'm a-goin' to a review, 
 tho' ; " I says, " whatever is the use of all 
 them soldiers, I should like to know, 'cept 
 for the look of the thing*, as certainly is imposing-, tho' 
 red ain't a colour as suits me." So Brown he says, 
 " You don't know nothing- about it, how ever should 
 you ? " 
 
 I says, "Don't I? Why," I says, "my dear mo- 
 ther washed two rigiments as was quartered near 
 Hounslow." 
 
 " Well," then," says Brown, " why ever do you go 
 to see them ? " 
 
 I says, " Do you think, Mr. Brown, as I'm goin' to 
 allow a daughter of mine, tho' married, to g*o to sich 
 a sight alone where a mother is a protection ; not as 
 I expects no enjoyment, and as to her a-luggin' that 
 boy all the way it's madness downright, that it is." 
 
 "Why," says Brown, " she lives close by, so it ain't 
 nothin' for her; but as to your a-goin' it's foolishness." 
 
 "Well," I says, "I never see such a man as you 
 are. When I don't know things, full of your ridicule, 
 and when I wants to see them with my own eyes 
 always the one to hold back. But," I says, "go I do, 
 thro' having promised Jane as I'd be there early to 
 meet her at the Marble Arch as the Edgware-road is 
 a long distance." 
 
 So I started with Brown, as see me into the White- 
 
50 
 
 chapel-road, where the 'busses runs regular, and 
 ketched the fust, as rattled that dreadful, thro' bein' 
 empty, as seemed to jar my head to death. 
 
 Not as I held with that conductor's remarks as 
 hollared to the coachman when he helped in a party 
 in widow's weeds as was certainly lusty, " Go on, Joe, 
 here's more ballast," as is insults to a lady, as she 
 certainly was, tho' she'd that hurried as I thought she 
 never would get her breath again, and was obliged 
 for to take her drops, as was in a little basket, as she 
 said went agin her, tho' a great sufferer aperientiy, 
 as told me she was a-goin' to her daughter, as wouldn't 
 be pacified till she got there, "Tho'," she says, "it's 
 as much as my life's worth, thro' ha vino- done, as I 
 seldom or never does, put my feet in hof water, with 
 James' powders, as acts on the skin, a medicine as I 
 don't hold with." 
 
 So we was talking friendly, thro' her being one as 
 was experienced, and like my own constitution, and 
 known sorrers in having buried her good gentleman, 
 as was in the white lead line, a thing as is deleterious 
 and will lurk in the constitution, and brought on fits, 
 through which he was took sudden ; not as he was 
 one for to regret, for she told me as his habits was 
 bad and temper violent, and she says to me, " For- 
 give and forget, tho'," she says, " I shall carry that 
 man's marks to my grave ;" and was that pleasant 
 company as I was sorry when she got out in Holbom, 
 thro' her daughter a-'livin' in Bloomsbury. 
 
 I says, "Conductor," I says, a-hittin' him with my 
 umbrella, "put me down at the Marble Arch, as is 
 somewhere beyond Charing Cross." So he says, 
 "Whatever do you mean by stoppin' the 'bus for 
 that?" and bangs the door that violent as set the 
 horses off, and if they didn't gallop like mad, and 
 frightened the horses in another 'bus, as begun a- 
 gallopin' too. A old gentleman in the 'bus hollared 
 
5* 
 
 at him, and says, " Let me out, I'm not g-oin' to en- 
 danger my life." " Nor more ain't I," says I. 
 
 " Come out then/' says the conductor. "Where's 
 your money ? " 
 
 I gives him a shilling and if he didn't give me eight- 
 pence change in coppers, as I dropped in the middle 
 of the road, where he left me a-standin', with cabs and 
 'busses all about a-shouting to me, as was stoopin' to 
 pick up the money, as I only recovered three-halfpence, 
 tho' I must say as many parties was very polite a- 
 troubling themselves to look for it ; not as I thought 
 cis kicking about the mud was a good plan, as all 
 scuttled away pretty quick thro' a policeman a-comiiv 
 up as led me by the arm on the pavement. 
 * So I says, "Is this the Marble Arch? " 
 
 "No," says he, "the Pantheon; but," he says, "it 
 ain't much further if you keeps on the shady side." 
 
 Bless the man, he's got nice ideas about far, he has, 
 for it was nearly eleven when I got to the Marble 
 Arch, where Jane was a-waitin' with her eldest, as 
 isn't quite three, and the babby. 
 
 She says, " Why, mother, how hot you look ; you 
 must want a something, mustn't she, Mrs. Woolley ? " 
 •as was with her, a woman as I can't a-bear, bein' one 
 as is all fair to your face and knives and lancets be- 
 hind your back. 
 
 So she says, " Mrs. Brown, do take a something, 
 as is only across the road, as is easy to get at, thro' 
 lampposts put up for to protect you agin them 'busses 
 as comes round you on all sides, let alone other public 
 conveniences, as is bein' drove in ev'ry direction, and 
 carriages by the million." 
 
 If it hadn't been as I was that faint, thro' the day 
 bein' that swelterm, I would not a-took nothin', for I 
 know'cl that Mrs. Woolley' s deceitful ways, as it was 
 one word for me and half-a-dozen for herself, as 
 know'd her tricks, thro' having watched her narrow 
 
52 
 
 when nursin' of Jane, as never held with her ways with 
 that child, and I'm sure could sleep thro' its screams, 
 a-sayin' as it was temper, whereas I found the pin 
 myself, as is a woman as would swear black is white, 
 a-daring to say as it had dropped off of me on to the 
 infant. 
 
 I'm sure I was that terrified a-gettin' across that 
 road and back that what I did take didn't seem to do 
 me no good, and throwed me into that heat as I 
 thought I never could have bore mysell, tho' I had a 
 musling gown with a barege shawl as w T as that flimsy 
 as I clidn't seem half-clothed, thro' it being what I 
 calls a breezy day with dust in that park a-comin' up 
 in clouds, and the sight of people as there wasn't no 
 seeing thro'. 
 
 Well, there was parties as had brought forms to 
 stand on as would throw you over people's heads, tho' 
 I was doubtful myself, for they was that ricketty as I 
 should not like to have trusted to ; but one young- 
 man he was a-trying it on, and says to me, " Here 
 you, mum, why it's strong enough for a elephant," 
 and idjots as was standin' by grinned. So I walks 
 on till we comes to a plank as was supported on 
 barrels, as the party as owned it jumped on for to 
 prove it strong, and his good lady says as they 
 wasn't in that line, but only come out for to see 
 it theirselves, as is a field day well worth the money, 
 as was threepence each, and agreed to hold Sammy 
 up. 
 
 Just then come a nice old gentleman as was stout 
 and cheerful, as says he'd try it, and up he gets, and 
 advises me, as was hesitating, when them parties as 
 it belonged to hoisted me up unawares. 
 
 Certainly it was a grand sight to see them troops 
 as moved like machines a-jumping up and turning- 
 round, as is their manoeuvring ways. So the people 
 says, " Here's the Duke." I says, "What Duke? 
 
53 
 
 Why/ 5 I says, " he's dead." " No," says the old gen- 
 tleman as was standin' up by me. 
 
 " Well," I says, " I see his funeral, that's all I know, 
 and remember hearin' of the battle well, as there was 
 a deal o' talking about when I was a very young gal, 
 where his leg* was shot off thro' Shaw the Life-guards- 
 man, as was massacreed by the Prussians a-comin' 
 up in the moment of victory." He says a -laughing 
 " It's the Duke of Cambridge." 
 
 I says, " Really. I've heard tell of Cambridge very 
 often, but never heerd as it was a Duke." And if he 
 didn't bust out laughing like mad. So I says, " Who- 
 ever is the others all about him in feathers on horse- 
 back ? " " Oh," says the old gentleman, " that's the 
 staff." 
 
 I should say as he was foolish in his head, 'cos any 
 one could see the staff as the Duke was holdin' in his 
 hand ; but I didn't say nothin', as them lunatics is 
 often took spiteful. 
 
 Well, the sun was a-beatin' down on my head, and 
 I was lookin' at them soldiers, as must be dreadful in 
 battle. I says, " There ain't no fear of their firm' on 
 us unprovoked I suppose ; " for I've heerd tell of such 
 things, and spent balls ain't no joke, as has been death 
 to thousands, for I never shall forget our Joe a-ketch- 
 ing me accidental between the shoulders with a ball 
 as he was playin' rounders with, so can easy fancy 
 what lead must be. 
 
 Well, Jane she'd got down, so had Mrs. Woolley, 
 thro' the infant bein' fractious, and just then the sol- 
 diers let fly all of a sudden simultanous with that 
 banging and smoke in clouds as it give me that sud- 
 den start as I throwed back my arms violent with a 
 scream as made everyone look round, and I ketches 
 that poor old gentleman as was next me sudden in 
 the pit of his stomach accidental with my elber as 
 made him start back that forcible as upset the plank 
 
54 
 
 as we was a-standin' on, and away I went backwards, 
 and should have been killed if the old gentleman, be- 
 ing under me, hadn't broke my fall, as didn't take it 
 in good part, tho' whatever parties could see to laugh 
 at I can't think. 
 
 I says, '• Don't stand there a-grinnin', but lend me 
 a hand up some on you," as they did at last, tho' the 
 old gentleman was most hurt, not as he fell far, and 
 said it was my weight as had nearly stifled him, as 
 brought on words thro' Mrs. Woolley a-remarkin' as 
 she should think so, as is a reg'lar mask of skin and 
 bones. So I says, " Its luck as it wasn't you as fell 
 on him, for you'd a cut him to bits like a iron hurdle. 57 
 As I heard her with my own ears call me a " swel- 
 terin' porpus." So I says, "Jane/' I says, " if that 
 female is a-goin ? home with you, I knows myself too 
 well for to put it in her power to insult me under my 
 own daughter's roof:' So I says, "I should prefer 
 the omlibus, as will set me down within five minutes:*' 
 So I says, " Let's part friends." So for all as she 
 could say I would go, thro' her a-sayin' as she could'nt 
 shut her door agin that party as had walked in from 
 Ealing, as I should not have wished, tho' in my 
 opinion a low-lived woman, as I could tell through 
 her conversations in that crowd as made a deal too 
 free for me. 
 
 As to them soldiers, it's all rubbish and waste of 
 powder and ball, as will end bad some day thro" them 
 firm' that promiscous at parties as is a-standin' arm- 
 less, tho' Brown will have it as it was only powder as 
 they fired, tho' I knows better, for I could hear the 
 balls as must have knocked me over, and a mercy it 
 was no wus. 
 
No. 9. 
 
 §*», §xsMx liate n |%|t oi it, 
 
 was a-drinkin' tea along of Mrs. Trattles,. 
 
 as is in the fancy line, and a pretty business. 
 
 too, in Pitfield-street, Hoxton, where my own 
 niece is assistant, as steady a gal as p'raps you'd 
 meet, tho' certainly plain, as I must allow, tho' with 
 her 'air done nice and dressed genteel you might take 
 notice on. So says Mrs. Trattles to me, "Mrs. 
 Brown, Fve heard you say as you was fond of music, 
 and if you'd like a treat I can give you one." " What- 
 ever^ that ? " says I. 
 
 " Why," says she, " them Cristian Minstrels, as is 
 the talk of the w T est-end; for," she says, "the other 
 morning as I was in the shop, a young man comes in 
 and speaks quite genteel to me, and says, ' Would you 
 oblig-e me, mum, by a-showin' of this picter,' as is in 
 the window now a-representing them Cristians and 
 their doings. So I says as I don't care about it ; but, 
 law, he'd got such a persuadin' way with him, and a 
 fine dark eye as he fixed on me, as I was obliged to 
 turn away. So I says, ' Leave your picter if you like, 
 and I'll see.' 'Oh,' says he, ' if you'll take the picter 
 and show it, my master will be proud for to see you 
 at the show,' and give me a ticket for two." 
 
 "Well, of course," I says, "Mrs. Trattles, it's all 
 very well for to give them tickets to them as does a 
 favour like you, but certainly I don't hold with going 
 
to them places and not a-payin', it looks mean in my 
 opinion." 
 
 Says Mrs. Trattles, " Them's my feelings, so I 
 tell you what, we'll go three, me, and you, and Anna 
 Maria," as is my niece's name, " and we'll pay for 
 one, as will be somethink, and the omnibus is only a 
 trifle, as takes us from one door to the other." 
 
 "Well," I says, "it looks bold in females a-goin' 
 about alone; " but Trattles, as was a-doin' a pipe 
 after his tea, as is a quiet man in the general way, 
 busts out a-laughin', and says, " I'm sure you three 
 may be trusted anywheres." 
 
 So I says, " Mr. Trattles, insults isn't arguments, 
 and we didn't make ourselves," as broug-ht Mrs. 
 Trattles down on him that sharp, as is a hot temper 
 thro' jealousy, and bein', as I may say, ugly, as made 
 him shut up pretty quick, as the say in' is. 
 
 We started in the omnibus, as was almost empty 
 when we got in all but a old gentleman, as was, I 
 should say, the wus for what he'd took, and kep' a- 
 leerin' at Anna Maria, and makin' that free thro' a- 
 talkin', as I don't hold with them unbenown a-doin'. 
 So I makes Anna Maria change places with me ; but 
 just as we was a-changing the 'bus give a plunge as 
 sent me full but into the old gentleman's chest, and I 
 really thought as he'd a-gone off, for it reg'lar doubled 
 him up, as got out at the Bank, a-sayin' I'd been the 
 death of him. Well, I must say as a 'bus over the 
 stones constant is a trial to the constitution, particular 
 to any one as is a full habit like Mrs. Trattles, as 
 can't lay down sudden through the breathing bein' 
 that bad, as is a snoring constant tho' awake, as did 
 ought, in my opinion, to let blood frequent, and thank- 
 ful I was when we got to them Cristians, as a seeing 
 Mrs. Trattles a-noddin' in that 'bus made me feel 
 fearful as she should pitch for'ard. I must say that 
 them west-end parties knows manners, for if ever any 
 
57 
 
 one was treated like a lady it was me at them Cris- 
 tians, for I was a-comin' along- the passage, and .Mrs. 
 Trattles hollars out, " Mrs. Brown, 'ave you got the 
 tickets? " when you'd a thought as I was the Queen, 
 as I've been told as I am like by them as has seed her 
 often and often, thro' me a-havin' a way with me as 
 is commandin' like. 
 
 Up jumps a young man and says, "If here ain't 
 Mrs. Brown." Out comes a gentleman, a plump 
 figger, with a smile, as says, " This way, mum,'' and 
 hands me in that way polite, and I says, " Near the 
 door," I says, " if you please, for I'm one of them as 
 'eat overcomes." 
 
 We was in very good time, and certainly Mrs. 
 Trattles is a thoughtful woman for to come out with, 
 and had a basket as was w^ell supplied, not as I'm one 
 to eat and drink much, but Mrs. Trattles she says 
 she always feels a craving as I don't think as them 
 windfalls, as she kep' a-munchin' could be good for 
 her ; but certainly, tho' it's well to tafe the least, as is 
 now and then, it don't squench the thirst. Certainly 
 them Cristians is wonderful in their ways ; how them 
 blacks, as I didn't know was Cristians, can go on like 
 that puzzles me, but them foreigners is so singler in 
 their habits. I never heard such singing, fust all to- 
 gether, and then one by one. One party was uncom- 
 mon good company, bein' that cheerful ; but I didn't 
 see why parties should keep on a-laughin' so wiolent, 
 as, of course, must hurt their feelin's, as can't help the 
 colours of their skins, as might 'ave happened to any 
 one, tho' I must say as a babby as black as coal is 
 calculated for to give a mother a turn, but then in 
 course they're used to them things over there, as must 
 be a saving in soap and water anyhow, though I 
 never should fancy not washing, and never could 
 a-bear black stockings myself, as my dear mother never 
 allowed. I very near died a-laughing-, I must say, at 
 
58 
 
 one party as was called Bones, and gives 'way to 
 antics wonderful. We did enjoy ourselves, tho* I 
 must say one young- lady as danced was a little too 
 free with her legs for me, not as it matters so much 
 for them as is black. The heat w T as certainly very 
 great, and tho' I kep' myself up pretty well with a- 
 fannin' myself constant, and 'aving* some red port wine, 
 as Mrs. Prattles had in a soda-water bottle, bein' a 
 thing as her doctor orders, and I'd* took the precau- 
 tion to have a little somethink with me myself, so we 
 got on pretty well. I never see anything like them 
 Cristians, how they went on a-dressing up and acting 
 singler, as is their ways, as I couldn't quite make out, 
 till at last they all joins in chorus, and that was the 
 end. 
 
 As we was a-goin' out that gentleman as was a- 
 smilin' of us in, bowed polite, and says, " Good night, 
 Mrs. Brown ; hopes you've been pleased," as I thanked 
 perlite, and so we got out in the street. 
 
 Mrs. Trattles she says to me, " Mrs. Brow::, mum, 
 it's all very well, but I must have something hot this 
 moment, as we can take on our way to the 'bus, as 
 runs right thro'." 
 
 So we goes into a house, as was full of low-lived 
 characters I should say, and got something as was 
 that fiery as I couldn't take it ; so Mrs. Trattles she 
 finishes it, and I had the least drop neat, as suits me 
 better. When we got out in the street agin Mrs. 
 Trattles got a-talking and a-laughin', and a-goin' 
 on singler. 
 
 I says, "Mrs. Trattles, you're a-goin' wrong." 
 She says, "All right," and walks on that fast as was 
 surprisin' for her size, till she stopped short for to get 
 her breath, and we was a-standin' all a-waitin' for the 
 'bus, till I asks a policeman if it would soon be by, as 
 said it didn't come that way, we might have waited 
 all night, so I says to the policeman, "What's them 
 
59 
 
 lights up there? Nobody can't live so hig-h up as 
 that." He says, " That's Alabama Palace/' I says, 
 "Oh, indeed!" "Yes/' says he, "and a splendid 
 place too." 
 
 Says Mrs. Trattles, " Let's go," and on she rushes 
 afore I could stop her thro' the cabs, as frightened me 
 to death, and never did ketch her up till she was at 
 the door, I says, " Mrs. Trattles, we shall miss the 
 ? bus." She says, ''Bother the 'busses! they runs up 
 to twelve, and it's only just past ten." "But," I says, 
 " Brown will be a-waitin' for me." If she didn't say, 
 "Bother Brown," and pays the money for to go in. 
 
 Well, I couldn't leave her, so follers, and of all the 
 lovely places ever I see, it beat 'em ; but the crowds 
 as was there, first-rate company, lords and ladies, as 
 was all enjoying theirselves ; but what with the 'eat, 
 and the lights, and the crowd, and the smoke, I 
 thought I should 'ave dropped. " There's plenty of 
 room up-stairs," says a party. "Come on," says 
 Mrs. Trattles, and rushes up that 'urrying that if it 
 hadn't been for a waiter as she run agin at the top of 
 the stairs, who ketched her on his tray, and knocked 
 her into a chair, she'd 'ave dropped, and certainly 
 that young man was that civil as got us refreshments, 
 tho' I must say as Mrs. Trattles had had her suf- 
 ficiency a-ready. 
 
 So I says to her, " Don't drink no more, that's a 
 dear soul.*' She give me a glare quite savage, and 
 says, " 'Old your row," with hiccups as was dreadful. 
 Well, parties kep' comin' round us, and some bold 
 hussies laughs as was dressed that eleg-ant as ought 
 to have knowed better, and says, (i Look at them pair 
 of old pottumases in liquor," and if one on 'em didn't 
 take and blow a lot of scented steam in my face. I ? 
 says, "I tell you what it is, young woman, if you 
 makes that free with me agin, I'll spoil some of your 
 paint for you." 
 
6o 
 
 If she didn't up with her parasol and fetch me a 
 crack as made Anna Maria that wild as she flew at 
 her and took her bonnet clean off, and tore out a large 
 lump of her back-'air with it as must 'ave been agony. 
 Well, there was a reg'lar row, and a young fellow 
 come up, and offered to back me, and hollars out for 
 a ring. Up comes the police, and if they didn't give 
 Anna Maria in charge for assaults, and off they takes 
 her. Well, what to do I didn't know, for Mrs. Trat- 
 tles only kep' a-'owling and sayin' she was a-dyin', 
 as drove me nearly mad, and I says, " No sich luck." 
 The police took off Anna Maria ; and a young man, 
 as I give a shillin' to, got me a cab, and we got to 
 the station 'ouse, as I goes into, and says to the police- 
 man, " I'm come for my niece." He says, " Who's 
 your niece ? " As I was a-describin', when in she 
 was brought, thro' me a-gettin' there first. Well, 
 there was a deal a-talkin', and I says to a gentleman, 
 as had a large book, and kep' a-sayin', " What's the 
 charge?" I says, "I hopes not much, thro' me 
 having a little silver with me." I says, " She's my 
 own niece." " Oh," he says, " that's the old story, 
 they're all aunts and nieces here. Where is the 
 party as give her in charge," as not being aperient, 
 we was let go just as the clock was a-striking twelve, 
 and Mrs. Trattles a-snorin' in that cab like hogs, 
 and Anna Maria a-sobbin' like wild, and w T hen we 
 got to Pitfield-street if the cabman didn't want half-a- 
 sovereign, as brought Brown down pretty quick, as sent 
 him off using abuse as was revolting, a-saying as he'd 
 never see such a Haymarket lot, and I thought as 
 Brown would have pulled him off the box. But, law, 
 I could think of nothing but Mrs. Trattles as we 
 couldn't bring to, and Trattles a-sayin' I'd been her 
 death, and the doctor bein' knocked up, as was quite 
 short, and says, " She's been a-drinkin' too free," as 
 Brown agreed to, as caused words 'twixt me and 
 
6i 
 
 Trattles, as said as the lot were screwed. So we 
 went home, as the walk refreshed me, thro' our only 
 a-livin' in the Curtain-road, but you'll never ketch 
 me out with Mrs. Trattles no more. 
 
i\ T 0. 10. ' 
 
 2B», Irotm Visits \\t fpmmmtt 
 
 DON'T think as I was ever more took a- 
 back in my life than when our Jane come in 
 one morning afore ten with her eldest all of 
 a 'eat and bustle, and says, " Mother, they've been 
 and drawed Joe." 
 
 I says, "Whatever do you mean — for the militia ? :? 
 "No," says she, "but for chairman, and he must 
 go." 
 
 " Go where ? " says I. " To Southend/' says she. 
 
 I says, "You don't mean it?" "Yes/' she says, 
 "I do, and I must go too." 
 
 "What," I says, "emigrate, with them Willlamses 
 as was never heerd on agin, thro' the ship a-taking 
 fire a-coming agin a iceberg, as you'd think would 
 put it out, but it didn't, thro' bein' froze, just as the 
 plugs was that night as the sugar-bakers was burnt 
 down in Radcliffe Highway, as was built on the spot 
 close to where the Marrs was murdered, as my own 
 mother know'd well, thro' bein' in the slop line, as 
 was on a Saturday night, supposed to be a sailor, as 
 didn't even spare the baby in the cradle, and would 
 have massacreed the servant gal only she was gone 
 for to fetch the supper beer, and heerd the shrieks thro' 
 the key-hole, as was never discovered, thro' them as 
 was suspected a-hangin' of theirselves in their garters, 
 bein' denied pen and ink, as p'raps would have led 
 
63 
 
 to disclosures." "No," she says, "not emigrate, only 
 out for the day along- with them Odd Fellows." 
 
 I says, " Rubbish." I says, " Whatever is the use 
 of g'iving one such a turn over with your Odd Fel- 
 lows ? You means as you're a-goin' out for the day, 
 and why ever not ? for I'm sure the fresh air will do 
 you good, for that g'al looks peeky." "Well," she 
 says, " I can't manage 'em all three ; as Joe is agree- 
 able to the infant and the boy, I thought as p'raps 
 you'd take care of Jane." 
 
 Well, I ain't one to say nay, and must allow as Joe 
 is a steady man, tho' not one as I cottons to in the 
 general way ; so I says, " When's it to be ? " She 
 says, " To-day, and so I brought the gal down here 
 early." 
 
 "Well," I says, "early it is." So she says, "I 
 can't wait no long*er, thro' Joe a-bein' a-waiting at 
 the corner with them two, as p'raps the baby '11 wake 
 up." 
 
 So off she goes and leaves the little gal, as begun 
 to whimper, but was soon pacified thro' me a-sayin' 
 as we should go out somewheres too, but I says, 
 "There ain't no place for to get a mouthful of fresh 
 air this sultry day without a journey." 
 
 Mrs. Challin she'd come in, and was a-talkin' 
 friendly, and says, " Don't you think as the top of the 
 Moniment must be fresh and pleasant thro' bein' that 
 high ? " 
 
 "Yes," I says, "but whoever is to get up there, as am 
 not one to go a-climbing, as I holds to be foolishness, as 
 Brown was a-readin' on in the paper on Sunday about 
 parties as went and fell off the Halps as is dangerous 
 thro' perpetual freezing, as must be slippy walking, 
 let alone the climbin', as the police in them parts did 
 ought to put a stop to, as they does parts as is dan- 
 gerous on the ice, as I see myself in Victoria Park, 
 
6 4 
 
 drownded last winter, as is seventeen stone in his 
 highlows, a heavy finger for skates, if the Human 
 Society hadn't brought him up with a hookin' his eye, 
 as he'll carry to his grave/' So she says, " Oh, it's 
 easy done is that Moniment if you takes it slow, and 
 is only threepence, as the view is well worth the 
 money." 
 
 I says, "Would you a-mind a-goin' too? " " No," 
 says she. 
 
 So we agreed as we'd start a little after twelve, me 
 having give the child a bit of something, and not a- 
 carin' for much myself, as the 'eat has damped the 
 appetite, but made the beer relishing, and I only took 
 a bit of bread and cheese, and so got off in good 
 time. Well, we walked uncommon slow on the shady 
 side, as is a gentle walk to Fish-street-'ill, where it 
 was put up, and certainly must be built strong for to 
 be run up that high and not topple over like the 
 chimbly at the brewery, as caused distraction to the 
 neighbourhood "as it fell on, as well I remembers a- 
 seein' it the Sunday follerin' thro' Brown and me a- 
 goin' pleasurin' in that direction. I couldn't make 
 out much as was wrote round except something about 
 throwing theirselves off, as was put up thro' parties 
 a-cloin' of it constant, as was dangerous to them a- 
 passin'j as the human body would be a-takin' any one 
 sudden from such a height. 
 
 Well, we paid our money to a respectable old gen- 
 tleman, and bought a book all about it, as I didn't 
 stop to read thro' little Jane bein' all of a fidget for to 
 get up, and off she starts, as I followed pretty quick 
 for a little way up, but was brought up short thro' my 
 breath a-failin', as is often the case with them as is 
 stout a-hurryin' up stairs. Why ever they should 
 keep the place that dark I can't think, as makes one 
 all of a tremble, and that narrow as is squeezing 
 work for two to pass. Glad T was to get up to the 
 
65 
 
 top, as was for all the world like bein' in a large rat- 
 trap, where there was several parties, a old gentle- 
 man and his good lady and the grandson, as was a 
 wonderful boy to talk, and knowed all about every- 
 thing, as they seemed to take a pleasure to listen to ; 
 but I don't hold with chits of boys bein' so full of their 
 jaw, as did ought to listen. 
 
 u Oh," says he, " ain't it grand ; look at the Tower, 
 and there's St. Paul's." "Yes," says the old gent, 
 " it's awful grand, and to think as we might have 
 been buried in the ruins." 
 
 I says, " Has anything been and fell in ? Excuse 
 me a-askin', but havin' a child with me as is not my 
 own, thcT my own daughter's, I shouldn't like to run 
 no risks, as the sayin' is." So he says, " No," he 
 says ; " but everything pretty soon would if they'd 
 their ways as did it, as glories in slaughters would 
 like for to see the streets a -flowing- gory." 
 
 I says, " Wherever is the police as lets such be at 
 large ? " " Oh," he says, " they don't mind no police." 
 
 Then says I, "They did ought to be compelled." 
 " Ah," says he, "they're too deep for that, as would 
 undermind any one, and we might all be blowed up 
 m our beds." 
 
 Well, it give me such a turn, the idea as if we 
 wasn't high enough already. So I says, " Who is the 
 parties you alludes to ? for I'm sure the old gentle- 
 man as takes care on the place down below, as is a 
 clean party, wouldn't allow no such goin's on here." 
 ' k Why," says the old gentleman, "we're a-standin' in 
 the very spot where they did it as blowed out London 
 as if it had been a candle sudden, as is put up as a 
 safeguard agin them." 
 
 I says, "Mrs. Challin, let's go" I says, "if there's 
 any danger; for," I says, "my head's a-swimmm' 
 now." So the old gentleman says, " No fear, mum, 
 as long as we've got Whalley." 
 
66 
 
 I says, "Oh, indeed; but," I says, "is he Lord 
 Mayor ? " " No," he says, " but one as'll keep down 
 them Papists!" 
 
 " Oh/' I says, " I only wish as Brown was here, he'd 
 talk to you, he would. You're one of them persecu- 
 tors, are you ? " " No," he says, " but I'm a-Iookin' 
 out." 
 
 " Well, then," I says, " you'd better do it," for I see 
 as he was a-'talkin' foolish, and I didn't want none of 
 his rubbish, and I'd got a ledge as I was a-settin' on, 
 and Mrs. Challin and me took some refreshment as 
 we'd got, and certainly, tho' the sun was hot, there 
 was a pleasant breeze, and we didn't want that old 
 feller a-hollarin' is rubbish, as was downrig-ht preachin', 
 and so was the boy, as come a-talkin' to me about 
 ardent sperrits and unfulfilled prophets ; so I up and 
 says, " Look here, my boy ; " I says, " I dare says as 
 you've read a good deal." "Yes," says he, "and 
 I've preached till the Papists got me turned out of the 
 parks thro' fear of me." 
 
 I says, " Go along with your rubbish and preachin', 
 teach your grandmother." Well, that puts him up, 
 and he says, " My grandmother ain't a deaf hadder, 
 as will drink distraction from ahegg-cup," illudin', no 
 doubt, to what I was a-takin'. 
 
 So I says, " Now I tell you what it is, I'm not a- 
 goin to stand none of your bosh." He says, "You're 
 a profane old woman." 
 
 " Now," I says, " I should be sorry for to forget as 
 I'm a lady, but," I says, " if you gives me any more 
 of your cheek I may wake you up, my lad." 
 
 If the old lady didn't come up and offer me a track, 
 a-sayin' as sperrits was a foretaste of a place as was 
 nameless. 
 
 I says, " Go along with your tracks and rubbish. 
 You did ought to be ashamed of yourself a-using of 
 such language to them as is only takin' refreshments, 
 
6; 
 
 as is necessary thro' tear of chills, with draughts all 
 round enough to blow your head off." "Ah," she 
 says, " they'll find you out." 
 
 I says, " Let 'em, I'm not ashamed of what I'm 
 doin' ; take care as you ain't found out yourself." 
 Well, this puts her out, and if she didn't take on 
 dreadful, and made the old gent and the boy join in 
 all a-talkin' fearful, it quite turned my blood, and if I 
 didn't let the bottle fall as I was a-tryin' to get into 
 the basket, as made the old lady say as she rejoiced. 
 
 So I says, " Mrs. Challin, it's my opinion as they've 
 got loose/' So I gets up and moves slow to the way 
 down with little Jane, and away I cuts down-stairs 
 like mad, Mrs. Challin a follerin'. I'm sure I re- 
 members nothin' till I was safe on dry land, tho' I 
 did bump up agin one party on the stairs and knock 
 him back'ards, as took it very perlite. 
 
 So I tells the party as keeps the place of their 
 goin's on up there. He says, " It's only the teetotallers 
 up to their little games, as comes here pretty often." 
 
 "Well, then," I says, "they did ought to be made 
 mind their own business, insultin' of parties as don't 
 hold with their ways;" and I says, "Mrs. Challin, 
 mum, wherever is the basket?" She says, "Ain't 
 you got it ? " 
 
 "No," says I. "Then," says she, "I'll go up for 
 it." 
 
 "No," I says, "never, and face them lunatics? Yd 
 rather lose it," as I did. 
 
 So we walks home, and dead beat I was, and, of 
 course, the Moniment is very grand, and all that, but 
 them teetotallers did ought to be kept oft] as is a 
 downright nuisance, as the sayin' is. 
 
70 
 
 germ' and a-sayin', " This way, ladies/' and a-hol- 
 larin' out " forward/' as I says to Mrs. Bulfit, " It's 
 my opinion as they're a forward lot/' for them young 
 chaps had all got a grinning sort of way over the 
 counters, as I don't hold with. Of all the rubbish as 
 ever I see, it was the things as that young man showed 
 us. 
 
 I says, "You don't call this silk, I hopes?" He 
 says, " Best Lions, made for us." 
 
 "Well, then," I says, "you'd better keep your lions 
 to yourselves, as isn't things as did ought to be at 
 large." I says, "I wants some long cloth," and if he 
 didn't show me dusters at ninepence- three-farthings. 
 
 "What a price," says I. "The 'merican war/' 
 says he. 
 
 "Why," I says, "that's over and done for." He 
 says, "This is a lot as we got in afore it broke out, 
 or w r e couldn't sell it so cheap." 
 
 "Well, then," says I, "I won't take the advantage 
 on you, you'd better keep it till the war begins agin, 
 and then you'll make more by it." 
 
 Well, then, they began to worret me with collars 
 by the basketful, as was all machine rubbish, but at 
 last showed some pocket-handkerchiefs as wasn't bad 
 at the price. So I takes half-a-dozen at four and six 
 and a bit of edging, likewise a remnant of fancy silk 
 as would make a pelerine. Well, the young man as 
 was serving us kep' putting things on a ledge behind 
 him, as I wanted to keep in my own hands, and Mrs. 
 Bulpit she wouldn't have nothing- thro' bein' hurfat 
 findin' as the black silks was a regular sell, as the 
 sayin' is. So the young man keeps on a-worreting, 
 " What's the next article ? " not a-givin' you time to 
 look round and a-botherin' with his parasols. 
 
 So I says, " If you'd hold your clack for a bit we 
 might fancy something ; " when Mrs. Bulpit gives a 
 hollar and says, " I'm robbed, wherever is my puss ? " 
 
7* 
 
 I says, " Was there much in it ? " She says, " Two 
 shillings and some loose copper." 
 
 " What a mussy," I says, " you didn't bring- out no 
 money. " " Oh," says she, " I only cum to look, never 
 meanin' to buy." 
 
 "Then," says the young- man, "you needn't come 
 here a-blockin' up the place and a-takin' up our 
 time." 
 
 I says, " Young man," I says, " this lady is with me 
 thro' not a-likin' to come out alone." " Well/' he 
 says, " you do want a purtecter, you do." 
 
 I says, " If you give me any of your impidence I 
 walks out of the shop," and up I gets and goes to the 
 door. He says, "Pay for your things, as here's the 
 parcel." 
 
 I says, " Let me look at them." He says, " They're 
 done up." 
 
 So I opens the parcel, and out there fell such a lot 
 of handkerchers, and as to the remnant it was green, 
 tho' I'd bought a blue. I says, "These isn't the 
 things as I bought, and won't pay for 'em." Says 
 the young* man, " I don't believe as you've got no 
 money neither on you, as is a couple of old shoplifters 
 the wus for drink, as one can smell the rum all over 
 the shop." 
 
 I thought I should have struck him, and was just a- 
 goin' to call in the police when I remembers my urn- 
 breller as I'd hung on the edge of the counter. So I 
 rushes back for to get it when the young man says, 
 " Let me see that umbreller," ketches it out of my 
 hand, and shakes out of it a piece of edging and says, 
 " I thought as much." 
 
 "Go for the police," says one. " They're the same 
 gang as was in yesterday," says another. "Oh, 
 yes," says a red-haired willin' "I see 'em loitering 
 about the winder ever so long with noted thieves." 
 
 I never did feel in such a state. Mrs. Bulpit, as I 
 
think had dipped her beak in pretty free to the rum 
 and water as we had by Spitalfields Church, she be- 
 gun a-hollarin' and a-cryin\ But, bless you, my blood 
 was up. 
 
 I says, " Send for the police, and do your wust, you 
 catchpenny wagabones, as is a gang yourselves." 
 " We'll let you off this time," says a feller with a 
 woolly head of hair and a big watch-chain. 
 
 " Thankee for nothing" says I, " what have I done ?" 
 ^ " look our goods as was found on you, and it's 
 six months certain," as sets Mrs. Bulpit a-howling 
 frightful. 
 
 I says to her, " Don't go on like that. Let 'em 
 prove as my umbreller is on me or as I took the things, 
 as the ring were on the umbreller that tight till some 
 of them undid it for to play their tricks."* 
 
 Well, a policeman had come in thro' the crowds 
 round the door, so I says to him, i; I'm willin' for to 
 go before the Lord Mayor this very instant" He 
 says, " You'd better step it." 
 
 I says, " I'm respectable, as I can prove, and tho' 
 the things is downright rubbish, will pay for *em." I 
 puts my hand into my pocket, and I'm blessed if every 
 living thing wasn't cleaned out, as the savin' is. 
 "Well," I says, "I've been pillaged regular," and 
 some one says, "Walker; " but so it was. Wherever 
 I could have lost them I can't think ; but what ag.^ra- 
 wated me was them fellows in the shop a-sayin as 
 they'd let me go thro' a-pityin' me for my age, and 
 one tallow-faced 'umbug come up and said as he 
 hoped I should see my herrers, and wanted to give me 
 a track. 
 
 So I says, " It's my opinion as you're a wile set of 
 perjed wagabones, as did ought to be put down, as 
 no doubt you will be ; but," I says, " if I don't expose 
 you my name ain't Brown/' and I'd a-said a deal 
 more only Mrs. Bulpit and the policeman kep 1 
 
45 
 
 a-pullin' me out of the shop, as was a civil young man. 
 and as luck would have it I'd a fourpenny-piece in 
 my glove, as run to a glass of ale a piece, not as 
 Mrs. Bulpit required none; but, bless you, she's a 
 fish that woman, and when I got home Brown had 
 done his tea,- and was aggravatin' in his talk, a-sayin' 
 as I looked more like a thief than a 'aystack thro' me 
 not bein' well dressed, as is my 'abits; but you'll never 
 ketch me after no more bargains, as is reg'lar traps 
 for to take you unawares, as is a thing as I don't hold 
 with. 
 
 
No. 12. 
 
 *»♦ Irafora at a S 
 
 F ever there was a hold hunks, as the say in' 
 is, it's old Eyles is one, thro' having- Welsh 
 blood in his veins, as is known to be that 
 fiery, for he'll be up in a moment, as there wasn't no 
 occasion for ; a milder party than his good lady, and 
 one to slave her heart out to please him, there can't 
 be, thro' being- his second and a grown-up daughter 
 by the first, the cross-grainededest party as ever I see, 
 as ugly as sin, as the sayin' is, let alone being a rams- 
 horn in crookedness, as certainly she cannot help, tho' 
 her temper she might keep straight, and is thirty if 
 she's a day. 
 
 Whatever young Wilkixs could see in her but the 
 little bit of money as she'll get thro' her grandfather, 
 which she's got to wait for, as is a bitter pill a-having 
 the old man in the house, as occupies the first floor in 
 the perpetual sulks ; not as they wants his company, 
 tho' they'd a-been glad of his room, as he might have 
 give up for the day, " For as to eighteen ever a-settin' 
 down in your parlour, Mrs. Eyles," I says, " it can't 
 be done, not if they was to set in one another's laps." 
 But she says, "It must be." # 
 
 So I says, " It never can,"' and held to it. She says, 
 "As it's all cold, it don't matter so much." 
 
 Nor more it wouldn't if old Eyles hadn't a-flared 
 up like chops a-broiling", and says, "You don't mean, 
 
75 
 
 Mrs. Eyles, as you're a-goin' to give my child a cold 
 dinner on her wedding day ? " 
 
 " Why," I says, " Mr. Eyles, it's done in the first 
 families, as I've seen myself." "Well, then," says he, 
 " it shan't be done in mine. I hates cold wittles, and 
 I won't have it here," and busts into the back garden. 
 
 So she says, "Whatever am I to do, for it's all 
 provided, and I durstn't let Eyles know it, as is a 
 picter of a bit of cold roast beef, a pigeon pie, four 
 cold fowls, and a Yorkshire ham." I says, "And 
 does you credit." "No," says she, "all ready money; 
 but whatever can I do ? " 
 
 I says, "Warm it up." "No," says she, "that 
 won't do," and was very nigh wild, when in comes old 
 Eyles, and says, " Look here, I'll have a roast leg of 
 pork, and a biled leg of mutton, and a hot meat pie, 
 and anything else you like," and throws down a 
 couple of sov'reigns, and out he goes again. 
 
 "Well, then," I says, "it's easy done, you can 
 warm up your pie, bake your pork, and the mutton's 
 easy biled," and so we agreed. 
 
 If there was a soaker it was that Saturday as Eliza 
 Eyles was married, and I'm sure poor Mrs. Eyles had 
 her work cut out, for of all the tempers as ever a man 
 was in it was Eyles, and as to the old man up-stairs, 
 as is Mr. Sykes, Eliza's grandfather, he was a-thump- 
 ing with his stick like mad over your head. 
 
 If ever you see a object in this world it was Eliza 
 Eyles dressed for church. She'd got on a worked 
 muslin as had been made too free with the blue-bag ; 
 a lace- trimmed jacket, as I should have called rubbish. 
 
 I says, " Wherever is your bonnet ? " She says, 
 I ain't goin' to wear no bonnet, I've got a wail." 
 
 "What?" I says, quite took aback, for she's a 
 complexion like a duck's foot, a swivel eye, with the 
 meanest 'ead of 'air as ever was, as she'd been and 
 soaped and plastered back al imperatriss, as the sayin 7 
 is, with a false plat stuck on, and when she come to put 
 
7 6 
 
 on the wail I thought as I should have dropped. Off 
 she went with her pa and the two Hopkins's gals, as 
 looked very nice in pink muslins and white bonnets, 
 tho' I'm sure they was well wetted a-gettin' from the 
 house to the fly down the front garden, as was full of 
 pools thro' the drains being flooded. 
 
 I can tell you it took all our time for to get the 
 things on the table by the time as they was back, and 
 nice fig-gers they was thro' the drains a-bein' up all 
 along* Church-road, as forced them to walk ever so 
 far and get that draggled, and old Eyles he'd been 
 and slipped rig'ht into the open shore, as didn't 
 improve his clothes nor his temper, and as to young 
 Wilkins he's a Albino, as the say in' is, thro' 'aving 
 of pink eyes and white hair, thro' his grandfather, as 
 was a seafarin' man, having married one of them 
 savag-es where he was shipwrecked in a desert island, 
 as has come out in the prodigy line once or twice. 
 
 From the moment they come in the house troubles 
 seem to thicken. As for old Eyles, he was the wus 
 for drink aperient, and set a-staring wacant in the 
 chair, a-callin' me a old charwoman with a word 
 afore it as made me all of a creep. 
 
 I didn't take no notice, for we was all of a bustle 
 with the dinner, as everything was a goin' wrong, for 
 the leg of pork had come home from the baker's 
 regular sodden and flabby, and the taters round it 
 a-looking" as pale as death, and as tho' they'd been 
 drownded in their own fat. Mrs. Challin had let the 
 leg o' mutton gallop like wild, and burnt up the apple 
 sauce, the turnips was forgot, and jest as I was a 
 meltin' a bit of butter for the caper sauce down come 
 about a teacupful of soot, as regular cooked it. So 
 we puts the leg of pork afore the fire to brown, and 
 if a red-hot coal didn't fall into the dish as set the 
 grease in a flame and burnt the joint on one side as 
 black as your hat. 
 
 Eliza was being made tidy up stairs, thro' being 
 
77 
 
 that draggled with her musling g'ownd in a train as 
 she drawed thro' the mud, and goin' in for to see her 
 grandpa as took a hatred to young Wilkin, a callin' 
 on him a white nigger. 
 
 The old man would have them have something- to 
 drink for to be all friends, as he didn't mean nothing, 
 and that brought on all the mischief as sperrits will on 
 an empty stomic. 
 
 It was near two, what with one thing and the other, 
 afore we got down to dinner, where we was that 
 squoge up as never was, and I'm sure the stiff neck as 
 I g*ot a setting by the door as was kep' on the crack 
 through the heat, the winder bein' kep' shet through 
 the rain a driving. 
 
 Eyles was a-behaving like a brute, having- constant 
 words with his brother-in-law, Mr. Malins, as is a 
 commercial gent, and travelled all over everywhere, 
 and tried to make things pleasant; and there was 
 Mrs. Wilkins, as is a widder, as kep' on a cryin', 
 sayin' as she couldn't help a-thinking of her own 
 wedding, as I've heard say she must have a g-ood 
 memory for to remember one from the other, as she'd 
 had three, as I don't hold with. 
 
 Mrs. Malins, as is own sister to Eyles, can't a-bear 
 Eliza and was a-setting next me a-pinching of me, 
 and making remarks in redicule of her, till I was that 
 afraid Eliza 'd hear her, but law bless you, she was 
 that full of herself and set a-simperin' and a-leerin' 
 quite ridiculous in any one so plain. 
 
 All my dinner was a bit of plum pie, and some 
 bread and cheese, as was the only thing not sp'ilt. 
 However we got the table cleared I can't think. I 
 know as the grease and gravy down my back was 
 showers thro' Mrs. Challin not 'aving* a steady hand, 
 as I attributes to drink. And when we got the sperrits 
 and water and the nuts with almonds, and raisins, 
 plums, and apples, it certainly did look very nice. 
 
7 8 
 
 And just as we was a thinkin' as things might come 
 round comfortable in who should come but Mr. Sykes, 
 'Liza's grandpa, as had crawled down stairs, tho' I do 
 believe Mrs. Challin had helped him, tho' denyin' 
 thro' thick and thin, for I'd hid his stick myself when 
 I took him up some dinner, as he throw'd in my face 
 a'most, and snapped my nose off. 
 
 Well, we was obliged to make room for him, in 
 course, and I thought as I should have died with the 
 scroug-ing and the heat. 
 
 Then they got a makin' speeches, Eyles he up and 
 spoke that thick and hiccuppy as there wasn't no 
 makin' out what he said. Young Winsley, as is fond 
 of Matilda Hopkins, he made hisself very pleasant 
 and sung a beautiful ballet as put old Sykes out, for if 
 he didn't call 'im a 'owling puppy, and in my opinion 
 was a little on. 
 
 Mr. Malins he spoke very nice a-payin' of compli- 
 ments to Mrs. Eyles for her trouble about the dinner, 
 when if old Eyles didn't make the most awful remarks, 
 a-callm of his wife them names as is scandalous, and 
 attacking of Malins shameful, as brought in Mrs. 
 Malins a little too sharp, for if she didn't say as him 
 and his gimlet-eyed daughter was a pair, as set 'Liza 
 a screamin' like mad, a-sayin' as she'd tear her aunt's 
 eyes out ; and jest then old Eyles was a-lighting of his 
 pipe with one of them fusees, and throw'd it careless 
 on 'Liza's wail, as was all in a blaze in a instant. 
 
 Well, one did one thing, one another, for they 
 poured the hot and cold water all over her, and young 
 Wilkins would have poured the sperrets, only the 
 bottle w r as caught hold on. But young Hopkins, as 
 didn't lose his presence of mind, tore the wail off her 
 head, plat and all, and stomped on it, as put her in 
 that fury a-declarin' as it was done a purpose, and 
 made a hit at Mrs. Malins, and as I tried to get at 
 for to separate 'em, leant all my weight on the table, 
 
79 
 
 as I'd propped up in the middle leaf, with a bit of 
 wood, and if it didn't give way sudden under me, and 
 go right in half, and everything capsized regular. 
 
 Every one hollared out, and you never see such a 
 scene. 'Liza pretended to faint, Wilkins set a-starin' 
 stupid. Eyles g*ot a punchin' Malins' head, as knocked 
 him down. I felt as somebody was under me, and 
 when young- Hopkins dragged me up, there was old 
 Sykes a-layin' in a fit. 
 
 Well, I do assure you it give me sich a awful turn 
 that if I hadn't rushed out of the house sudden, it 
 would have been my death, and every step of the way 
 home I run without bonnet or shawl as is only three 
 streets off, and when I got in was took with them 
 'sterricks, and palpitations as made Brown say, 
 
 " I tell you what it is, young woman, you must be 
 looked arter, for you ain't fit to be trusted out alone." 
 
 And poor Mrs. Eyles as sent me my bonnet and 
 shawl, thro' Mrs. Challin, as somebody had been 
 a-settin' on, she took to her bed, and when I did go to 
 see her, was altered dreadful, and says, 
 
 " Mrs. Brown, mum, bad as I am I'd go thro' it all 
 again for to get rid of that 'Liza, as was the cuss of 
 my life, and young- Wilkins will find her out, and 
 serve 'im right too, as being- that mercery a-marryin T 
 for money as the sayin' is." 
 
No. 13. 
 
 'S all very well talking*, but why ever don't 
 ! J :hey do something- with their Orders in 
 ~ounsels, and Lord Mayors a-letting of 
 
 beastly keg-meg be sold, as I say is downright dis- 
 graceful for to pay eightpence-ha'penny for pieces, 
 stuff as our cat would turn up her nose at, being a 
 animal as is particular; but I says I know'd how it 
 would be, the moment they took to bringing them 
 foreign cattle in by shoals, as I never could a-bear the 
 sight on, thro' living- near the places where they did 
 used to be landed; I never fancied them Ostend 
 rabbits as looks dreadful stretched out in death, and no 
 more taste than straw 'as. There is nothing like a 
 bit of wholesome meat ; tho', in my opinion, there's a 
 many as eats a deal more than is good for them, let 
 alone their pickles and sauces a-enticing their appetites 
 as it would often do them g-ood for to go without for 
 a day. I was just a saying so to Mrs. Chandlis, as I 
 was a sitting with, thro' being up-stairs with her 
 seventh — as fine a boy as you'd see. She says, 
 u Chandlis goes on that dreadful about times being so 
 bad, that it makes me quite down," and begun a 
 giving way. 
 
 I says, " Mrs. Chandlis, mum, I am now come to 
 that time of life as enables me for to look back, and 
 there's always been hard times, for I well remembers 
 
SI 
 
 hearing* my dear mother say as she married with 
 bread half-a-crown the loaf, and brought up a fine 
 family, tho' only hard working- people, and me the 
 youngest all but three as she buried." 
 
 "But then," says Mrs. Chandlis, "there's the 
 cholera, and the strikes, with the potato disease a- 
 coming on the top of the diseased meat, is enough for 
 to make anyone tremble." 
 
 "Well," I says, "it's my opinion as we all looks 
 forward too much, a-meeting trouble halfway as the 
 saying* is ; the same as happened to my own aunt as 
 had a crooked finger as never gave her no pain, but 
 thro' not a-bearing of it being such a eye-sore, went 
 into the hospital for to have it off, and died in the 
 lock-jaw as set in. But," I says, " this won't do for 
 me, I must be a-goin' ; but," I says, " you're a cup 
 too low, you are; why don't you get a newspaper 
 read to you as is that full of murders as is certainly 
 that interesting." 
 
 So she says, " Do sit a bit longer, for you talk that 
 cheerful as seems to do me good, and I wants to hear 
 all about poor dear Mrs. Borrit as was burnt that 
 frightful thro' the clothes-horse a catching. 
 
 "Ah," I says, "poor thing*, she's rallied wonderful, 
 tho' rather throw' d back thro' the old gentleman on 
 the second floor a- dying sudden, and them young 
 Iveses being pretty nigh drownded, as is her own 
 sister's children, a-playing the wag, as the sayin' is, 
 and getting down to the river Lea ; brought home in 
 blankets to her own door, and her thinking it was her 
 own boys. But," I says, "you mustn't be anxious, 
 for I don't suppose as your Ned is a boy to act like 
 that," as I know'd he's a young scamp, and he'd been 
 out all day unbeknown to his father, and see her 
 change colour when I talked about them young 
 
 IVESES. 
 
 subject I says, " It was very sad 
 
82 
 
 about poor young Williams a-goin' down with all 
 hands a-perishin' on board that steamer, as is things 
 I never did hold with since that time as I was in a 
 shipwreck myself a-goin' to Margate one year, and 
 the biler busted, and there we was stuck in the mouth 
 of the river, and might a-been there till now if we 
 hadn't been took a,board the opposition boat, as was 
 racing, and led to the accident. Just the same as the 
 cab I was in myself that time as I was a-takin' poor 
 Ellen Bratt to the infirmary, as got a housemaid's 
 knee thro' kneeling- on them flagstones, as I told her 
 would w r ear her out, and I'm sure the fright as it 
 give when the pole of that 'bus come slap thro' the 
 panel and grazed over my shoulder, as would have 
 been certain death a inch either way, as happened to 
 Brown's own mother, as was a remarkable fine 
 woman, for all the world Brown over again, tho' of 
 the opposite sect. As never recovered it thro' over- 
 reaching herself, and cricked her back-bone, and 
 never held her head up again, as p'raps was not to 
 be expected at seventy-four, though living a good 
 twelve years. Ah ! poor thing, she always said as I 
 should never count a grey hair, thro' being that deli- 
 cate, that when my Jem was three months old every 
 one said, * She's a-going fast,' and will always speak 
 well for old Dr. Blubberton, as lived in the Boro', as 
 did me more good than all the rest, as was after- 
 wards transported. And I do say bottled porter is a 
 thing for to keep the life in you, tho' I never fancied 
 it for months after that time as the quaker did away 
 with his own mother thro* administering it with 
 prussic acid." 
 
 I really don't think I should have stayed so late, 
 but poor Mrs. Chandlis she turned faint, and ot 
 course I never left her till she was better as a good 
 cry seemed to bring her round, and then I says, 
 "Goodnight," and must say was hurt at hearing 
 
83 
 
 Chandlis say when he come in, " No wonder as she's 
 ill if that old Mother Brown has been clacking away 
 all the afternoon." 
 
 So I was huffed, and off I went short, not as I 
 noticed his rudeness, and was hurrying along thro' 
 not a-liking them back streets, as is lonesome. 
 
 I was a -walking- on pretty sharp and observes a 
 party as seemed the wuss for drink a-head, so I crosses 
 the street as were that full of puddles as I had to pick 
 my way. I gets across just agin the sugar baker's 
 dead wall, where there's a gas light, and come round 
 the corner sharp agin a party, as says, " Hullo, ele- 
 phant, where are you a-coming ?" 
 
 I says, "Who are you a-calling a elephant ?" when 
 a young woman as was with him says, " You did 
 ought to be took up, a-bumping agin parties as you 
 might do a injury to." 
 
 I says, "You're a insulting hussy, that's what you 
 are." She says, "Who are you calling a hussy? 
 I'll let you know." 
 
 I says, "Let me pass," for there was the intoxi- 
 cated party and other characters a-crowding up, as I 
 knowed was no good; so I says, "Let me pass, or 
 I'll give you in charge." 
 
 " Oh, you will, will you ; whatever for?" 
 
 "What for?" says I, " for insulting of respectable 
 parties." 
 
 "Wherever are they?" says one. " The old lady's 
 a little bit on," says another. " Where are you goin' 
 a Sunday ?" 
 
 I says, " Whatever is that to you f " I says, " Let 
 me pass." 
 
 " Come on, mother," says a hulking fellow, " I'll 
 see you safe," and ketches hold of my arm, and tries 
 for to draw it through his'n. 
 
 I says, " Leave me be, you willin." I'm blest if 
 some didn't begin a -pushing me from behind, and 
 
84 
 
 run me along ever so far, a lot of gals and waga- 
 bones a-hooting and shouting. 
 
 "Help!" I screams, but law bless you, my voice 
 was drownded, and they seemed all a-dancing round 
 me, a-hollering like mad, when all on a sudden some 
 one cries out, " Here's the crusher!" and they let go 
 that violent as I staggered, and should have fell but 
 for the policeman as caught me. He says, " Hullo, 
 old lady, whatever caper is this ?" 
 
 So I says, " Policeman," I says, " I've been treated 
 shameful." Says he, " Whatever business have you 
 a-larkin' about with a parcel of boys ?" 
 
 " Me a-larkin'," I says, " whatever do you mean ? 
 I was a-walking home quite respectable when those 
 roughs attacked me, as it is your duty for to look 
 after." He says, "I knows my duty, and don't w T ant 
 none of your lip over it." 
 
 " But," says I, " wherever is my redicule ? and if 
 my pocket ain't turned inside out." "What have 
 you lost ?" says he. 
 
 "I'm sure I cant tell," says I; for if everything 
 wasn't clean gone, even to my shawl. "Where do 
 you live ?"' says he. 
 
 "Close agin the Commercial-road." "Then," 
 says he, "you ain't a-gcing home, for this is Poplar." 
 
 "Why," I says, "if I ain't been and took the 
 wrong turning a,-comin' out of Mrs. Ckaxdlis's, as 
 lives agin Limehouse Church." "As is my own 
 aunt," says he. 
 
 "You don't say so; law, how s:ng-Jer," I says. 
 " You've heard her speak of Mrs. Brown?" " Often 
 and often," says he, "and well I knows your good 
 gentleman, as goes every morning to the docks like 
 clockwork. Well, then," he says, "I'll see you to 
 a 'bus, as/' he says, "a Blackwall will put you 
 down at the end of the street ; but," he says, speakin' 
 serious, " I'm glad as I knows you, Mrs. Brown, for 
 
85 
 
 really/' he says, "there's such lots of rough charac- 
 ters about here of a night that we locks 'em up by the 
 dozens, and I was a-goin' to take you off." 
 
 " Well," I says, " I thinks it must be aperient to 
 anyone as I am a lady. "Well," he says, "with 
 your bonnet smashed all like that, no shawl on, and 
 your things half tore off your back, there's no telling 
 what you are," as was very true, and it's lucky as I 
 was able to borrow sixpence on him, as he's promised 
 for to drink tea next Sunday as ever is and bring his 
 young lady as is daughter where Mrs. Chandlis 
 lodges, as is a-making of a bed as she'll have to lay 
 on, for whatever is a policeman but starvation, as 
 don't get more than eighteen and sixpence clear, and 
 turning night into day as the sayin' is, and looks far 
 from strong thro' having been beat to death nearly 
 twice, and his right eye nearly tore out thro' a-trying 
 for to interfere to save a brickmaker as was stomping 
 on his wife, as turned round ungrateful on him tho' 
 being of her life preserver as the sayin' is. 
 
 Glad I was to get home afore Brown, as would 
 have gone on for everlasting about me being so fond 
 of the streets as is a place I don't hold with, and do 
 think it's a shame as there ain't more police for to 
 look after them low-lived characters, as is a downright 
 pest as the sayin' is, and a terror to parties attending 
 a place of wuship on a Sunday evening, thro' congre- 
 gations of them being all along the road as insults 
 you gross, and don't hesitate for to muslest them as is 
 unprotected, not as I'm afeard in daylight, but dark- 
 ness is a great deceiver, as the sayin' is. 
 
No. 14. 
 
 JO, I will not go, thank you, Mrs. Edwards. 
 I've been twice, and the last time was when I 
 31 got mixed up with them dratted teetotallers 
 as is three year ago when I went for to take care of 
 a lady in the name of Pedder, for I says to Mrs. 
 Pedder, as was just come to live in our street, tho' 
 brought up in Marlow, as is a waterin' place, did you 
 ever see the Cristil Pallis ? " She says, " No, tho' 
 heard speak on't scores of times, and have heard say 
 as it's like fairyland." 
 
 "Well," I says, "I can't say thro' never having 
 been so far as fairyland ; but," I says, " certainly the 
 Cristil Pallis is wonderful, as was built in Hyde 
 Park, and moved all the way out there, as is now put 
 on a high level, as Brown was a-readin' in the paper. 
 Not as it wanted being put up higher, for the stairs 
 was downright killin' to the legs last time as I saw it. 
 But," I says, " if you've never been it's a sight as is 
 worth seein', and Browns club is on Monday, and 
 why not g-o, as is not expensive, and you that lonesome, 
 thro' havin' married a captain as is just sailed, and 
 only buried her infant two months." 
 
 So she says, " I think it would cheer me up," and 
 so it was settled, and Brown he said as I should be 
 sure to make a mess on it, as is his derisive ways. 
 
 Certainly Monday was a muggy day with rain, as 
 
87 
 
 I knowed it would be, thro' seein' the stars that full 
 out on Sunday night, as is always a forerunner, as the 
 sayin' is. So we agreed for to meet at the corner of 
 our street where the 'buses passes regular, and there 
 I did wait and wait for Mrs. Pedder to nearly half- 
 past eleven, when I see her a-comin' slow down the 
 street as had been a-waitin' at the wrong end like a 
 born idiot, as there ain't no 'buses goes that way. 
 
 I must say as it's very convenient a-gettin' the 'bus 
 from the corner, and takin' you right to the very place, 
 but law the crowd at the station was tremendous, and 
 a nice fight I had to get to the place where you gets 
 the tickets, and the rush as there were thro' a narrow 
 gate to get to the trains very nigh settled me, and 
 Mrs. Pedder took faint. 
 
 When we was got inside where the trains start 
 from, bless you room there wasn't, and train after 
 train went off without us. 
 
 We was a-settin' a-doin' of a drain, as the sayin' 
 is, and a good many parties stares very hard and 
 pints at our bottle, and some laughs. Just then a 
 empty train come in back'ards, and a young man, a 
 porter, says, " Now's your time," and hurried me up 
 to it, as they kep' a-hollering " keep back," and yet 
 a-jumping in theirselves like mad, as at last the 
 young* man give me a jerk up, and into a carriage I 
 shot, and fell a-sprawlin' all on to their laps as was 
 inside, a solemn-lookin' lot, and didn't offer no assist- 
 ance cheerful like. 
 
 I'm sure the way we was scrouged up in that 
 carriage, and me having to stand up thro' a-giving 
 Mrs. Pedder a seat, that I was that glad for to be 
 arrived. 
 
 They may talk about levellin', but I'm sure there 
 was stairs enough for to mount to get into the Pallis, 
 and the place looking very gloomy like, and all of a 
 steam, like a heavy wash. Glad I was to get poor 
 
83 
 
 Mrs. Pedder a seat anywhere, and made her take a 
 little cold water with the least dash in it. 
 
 Certainly there was crowds upon crowds, with the 
 lots of children, and flags, and all manner, so I 
 " I should say as it's the Foresters, or p'raps the Odd 
 Fellows," thro ? parties a-wearin' scarfs and rosettes] 
 in blue and pink, and all manner. 
 
 I says, "Mrs. Pedder, mum/'' I says, "whatever 
 do you think on it?" "Well," she says, "tome it's 
 only a large forcln' house/' as ought to know, thro' 
 her own grandfather being- a market-gardener, but 
 she says, " It certainly is wonderful however they could 
 have moved it, such a size !'' 
 
 "Why," I says, "it's nothing to their a-takin' that 
 cable millions of miles under the sea, as would have 
 been easy done, only it snapped sudden, as I sc 
 picter myself in the newspaper, as will happen even 
 in a clothes line, as well I knows it." 
 
 So when we was a little refreshed, we walks about 
 and heard the orgin, as was that powerful to be dis- 
 tracting-, as is played by steam, as I was a-tellin' 
 Mrs. Pedder, when a boy, he says, "You're played 
 by steam, why there's the man a-playinV I says, 
 "You knows nothin' about it," I says; "he's only 
 a-setting there a-making believe, for the look of the 
 thing-." As made him burst out a-laughin' like wild. 
 We got a seat at last, Mrs. Pedder and me, and was 
 a-havin' of our little bit, and a-talkin' just a little with 
 it, when a young man comes up and says, " Would 
 you mind a-movin' ?" 
 
 "Where to?" says I. "Anywhere," says he, 
 u only you're a-settin' here in the Band of Hope, as 
 is a disgraceful example." 
 
 I says, "Young man, whatever do you mean? 
 Bother your band, if it's a-goin' to play I sup- 
 pose I don't stop it, not as I wants any more music 
 just yet, for I likes to take my meals in peace." So 
 
8 9 
 
 he says, " You're takin' fermented liquors in our very 
 face." 
 
 I says, " Nonsense ! pure spirits won't ferment, as 
 is natural in home-made wines and beer, and will 
 happen in jams if not enough sugar to keep it 
 under." 
 
 Just as I was a-talkin' there come up some old 
 chaps with scarfs on and rosettes in their coats, dressed, 
 I should say, genteel, tho' ridiculous, as says to me, 
 " You had better withdraw yourself away, as is pro- 
 vokin' remarks, and makin' of yourself a object in 
 ridicule. So listen to reason. Isn't it a sight for to 
 see two females a-takin' spiritous liquors in the middle 
 of temperance societies ? " 
 
 It did reg'lar enrage me for to be called a female 
 to my face by a rubbishin' teetotaller. I'm glad as I 
 took off the glass as I had in my hand, or I should 
 p'raps have answered too hasty, as is my habits, tho' 
 wrong. 
 
 So I says, " I despises the whole bilin' on you too 
 much for to say what I thinks on you, as is a- 
 rubbishin', psalm-singin', cantin', set of 'umbugs, as 
 didn't ought to be allowed wherever one goes a- 
 followin' one about, as can't go nowheres free from 
 you, not even the top of the Moniment, where I see 
 you last." "Ah! my friend," says the old gent, 
 " do not speak in wrath, as is not your nat'ral feeiin's, 
 but only them stimulants." 
 
 I says, "I shall speak as I like, and I ain't no friend 
 of yours, so don't you make so free," and jumps up, 
 and away I walks. I says, " I'll tell you what we'll 
 do, Mrs. Pedder : there's lots of tea a-goin', we'll get 
 some early." So we gets our tea, as looked strong, 
 tho' not so, and was a-takin' a bit of bread and butter 
 when I says, " I thinks this tea as been biled, as is a 
 thing I can't take, biled tea, and you didn't ought to 
 venture or., Mrs. Pedder, without a-somethin' for to 
 
go 
 
 check it," and there was just enough left in the bottle, 
 as would only hold three-quarterns from the first, for 
 to give a flavour to the tea, when a party as was a- 
 settin' there says, " How you can drink away your 
 body and soul is wonderful." 
 
 Well, it give me quite a turn to be spoke to like 
 that, so I says, " Now I tells you what it is, if you 
 comes here a-botherin' me any more I shall say some- 
 thin' as you don't like." "Ah!" he says, "I was 
 like you once, a poor faggit only fit for burning." 
 
 Well, to be called a faggit was more thanl could 
 bear. I says, " You hypercritical, tallow-faced toad ! 
 Why," I says, " you're been a-drinkin' yourself, and 
 can hardly stand." " Oh ! " says a party, as was 
 settin' by him, " cruel words, as have both took the 
 pledge agin and agin," and if she wasn't chokiir with 
 hiccups. 
 
 So the man he says, " You're fitting yourself for 
 the bottomless pit, as is the drunkard's doom." 
 
 Well, I couldn't stand that talk no more. I says, 
 "You and your female is intoxicated beastly, as is 
 always the ways with your sneakin' teetotal doin's — 
 you ought to be ashamed of yourselves." 
 
 Well, if the female didn't up and shy the tea as 
 she was makin' believe to drink all over me. I puts 
 up my umbrella for to ward it off, when if she didn't 
 fly at me and try to tear off my bonnet. Poor Mrs. 
 Pedder, she tried for to keep her off, but her foot 
 slipped, and if she didn't fall agin me with that 
 violent as to throw me back on to a whole party as 
 was takin' tea behind me, as wasn't friends with them 
 parties as begun the row with me, so thinkin' me to 
 be one of their lot they pitched into me violent, 
 a-pushin' and draggin' me over the place, and 
 if I hadn't made pretty free with my umbrella, 
 a-hittin' out all round, I never should have got out of 
 the place, and when I did get up stairs, and looks 
 
9i 
 
 round for Mrs. Pedder, I couldn't see her nowheres, 
 and was that frightened, knowin' as she bein' a 
 stranger would be quite lost. Of all the evenings 
 ever I had it was at that place a-lookin' for Mrs. 
 Pedder. I wandered all over the place, and got that 
 awful tired as I thought I should a-died, and all 
 as I could get was some bottled beer, as made me 
 more thirsty and feel that heady, as is a heavy thing, 
 and of all the rows as them teetotallers made I never 
 did. 
 
 It's my opinion as they was the worse for what 
 they took, every one of them, men, women, and 
 children and all, till really I was that bewildered I 
 gets into a corner, and thought as I might wait quiet, 
 and might see Mrs. Pedder a passin', and it was 
 a-gettin 1 quite dusk, so I sets a-waitin', and couldn't 
 help a-droppin' off till I wakes up with a start, for if 
 there wasn't a policeman's bull's-eye full in my face, 
 and him a-sayin', " You must step it pretty sharp fol- 
 io catch a train," and so up I jumps and hurries on 
 like mad, and left my umbrella and basket behind, 
 and was that aggravated for to hear of them porter 
 chaps holler out to the fellow at the door, " Hold on, 
 here's another stray teetotaller," as I hadn't time to 
 answer him, for I had to rush into the train, as was 
 shriekin' like wild with smoke a-stiflin'. 
 
 So I gets in, and slept that 'eavy as when we got 
 to London Bridge I didn't know myself, and had to 
 walk ever so far till gettin' of a 'bus, and went home 
 with a heavy heart a-thinkin' wherever Mrs. Pedder 
 could be got to, and knocked ever so long at her door 
 till she answers in her nightcap from the bedroom 
 window, 'avin' been home hours, as did aggravate 
 me, for to think of her leavin' me behind like that, 
 and Brown a-takin' her part, as was gone to bed 
 himself, thro' it bein' past eleven o'clock when I 
 knocked at my own door, as is all the fault of 
 
92 
 
 them temperance 'umbugs, as I can't bear the 
 name on. 
 
 And Brown he keep on a-aggravatin' a-sayin', 
 " You'll never be took for a teetotaller, except by 
 perfect strangers/' as is rude remarks as I don't 
 hold with. 
 
 m 
 
No. 15. 
 
 |T give me that turn when that young* man 
 come in and says, "Is your name Martha 
 Brown ? " and hands me the strip of paper 
 that I downright staggered, and if Mrs. Challin 
 hadn't give me a chair I should have fell backwards, 
 as the say in' is. The young fellow he says, " It's no 
 hangin' matter, but mind you attends to it; " and as 
 soon as ever he were gone I says, " Mrs Challin, if I 
 don't take a-somethin' I shall be took bad, for I feels 
 them shivers a-comin' up my back, as is often warn- 
 ings of illness." So she did step out for half-a-quartern, 
 as is a thing I will never keep in the house, for it's 
 gone like magic, tho' necessary when parties is liable 
 to be took sudden. 
 
 Well, as far as I could make it out, it was a paper 
 from the Queen, as I says, " However can she know 
 anything about me," I says, "as never troubles my 
 head with nothing of the sort." So I asks young 
 Edmunds, as brought in the water-rate, whatever it 
 meant. "Oh," says he, " your subpoena' d." 
 
 " What for," says I. Says he, " All along of Mr?. 
 Brittles's back washus winder bein' broke into that 
 Sunday evenin'" with me a-settin' in the arbour 
 a-readin', as commands a full view of her premises, 
 and see the parties as they was a-levantin' as the 
 sayin' is. 
 
94 
 
 " Wherever is it to ? " says I. " The Old Bailey," 
 says he. "Well, then, I'm sure as Brown won't 
 never let me go for to stand like a criminal in the 
 docks." He says, " You're only a witness." 
 
 I says, "That comes of my talkin' to that "ere 
 policeman as come here a-pumpin' and a-spyin', and 
 askin' that civil for to see our back g'arden, and talkin* 
 that agreeable, me little a-thinkin' as he was a reg'lar 
 Jesuit, as I'm told there is in every family, with a book 
 wrote all about it." So when Brown come in he 
 says, "That comes of your lettin' that red rag o' 
 yourn run so free." " But," I says, " Brown, you won't 
 never suffer it ? " " Suffer what ? " says he. 
 
 " Why, your lawful wife to be took up like that to 
 the Old Bailey, as I never should hold my head up 
 again thro' shame? " "Well," says he, "there ain't 
 nothin' to be ashamed on. You must go, or they'll 
 put you in prison and make you pay a hundred 
 pounds." 
 
 I says, " Then they're tyrants, that's what I calls 
 'em;" but he only says, "Rubbish! Mind you're 
 there by ten o'clock punctual." 
 
 So on the next Monday fortnight as ever were I had 
 to go, and got Mrs. Challin to mind the house, and 
 Mrs. Eyles she went with me, and of all the drizzly, 
 dirty mornings as ever I was out in, it was the worst. 
 I says, " Let's be there in good time, and then p'raps 
 they'll let us go all the sooner/ ' So we got there as 
 the clock was on the stroke of nine, and there was 
 such a frightful crowd and we wasn't able to get near 
 the place in the 'bus. I says to the conductor, " Is 
 this the nearest as you can put us down ?" He says, 
 "We ain't allowed to go no nearer; but," he says, 
 "if you walks very quick you may be just in time." 
 I says, "Whatever do you mean ?" and if they hadn't 
 been and hung a man, as is a thing as I wouldn't see, 
 not for all the world. I says, "I'd rather go to 
 
95 
 
 prison or pay the hundred pounds, so back 111 go." 
 Mrs. Eyles says, " Bless you, it's all over, and we'll 
 take it gently. There goes nine." 
 
 Of all the crowds I ever see it was the wust, and 
 I'm sure to look at 'em you'd say as hangin was too 
 good for 'em, and they came a-rushin' and a-hootin' 
 that violent as me and Mrs. Eyles had to stand in a 
 doorway ever so long for to let 'em pass. I says, 
 I Mrs. Eyles, in my opinion them hangin 's did ought 
 to be done private, as might be made more agreeable 
 to all parties, and not for to collect such ragamuffins 
 together, as is a reg'lar pest to theirselves and others.' 5 
 
 It was just ten when we was got to the Old Bailey, 
 as was crowded up by the most wretchedest parties, 
 and it made my heart feel for some of them poor 
 creeturs as was a-sheddin' tears talking to policemen, 
 and seemed a-beggin' hard for to be let in, as is a 
 place as I'd rather be kept out on. We waited and 
 waited in them damp, dirty passages till I was quite 
 chilled, when a door opens sudden, and out comes a 
 woman a-screamin' like wild, and her friends a -try in' 
 to hold her, but, law bless you, she fought like wild, 
 and seemed ready for to tear 'em in bits, till at last 
 she fell down in a fit. It gave me that awful turn as 
 I says, " Mrs. Eyles, mum, I must take somethin'," and 
 the policeman as was friendly to us he took us over to 
 get some refreshments. So I asks him, "Whatever 
 made her take on like that ?" " Oh ! " he says, " her 
 Joe's got a lifer. I know'd he would." " Whatever 
 for ? " " Oh ! " he says, " a heavy burglary." 
 
 Well, just then in came a lot of parties as was that 
 cheerful, and a-talkin', sayin' they was that glad as 
 she'd got off. Says the policeman, " I told you she 
 would ; I never see a young gal do it better." 
 
 I asks, " What ? " " Oh ! " says he, " she was up for 
 the murder of her infant, as was six months old, only 
 she come the gammon that strong, a-faintin' away 
 
9 6 
 
 every moment, and bein 1 good looking", the jury let 
 her off." 
 
 " Then more shame for 'em," says I. " Is that 
 justice," I says, "a brazen-faced hussy as one might 
 forgive a misfortune to, but for to go and imbrood 
 her hands in hinnocent blood of her own child, she's 
 wuss than a beast of prey. If I'd my way I'd burn 
 her, a wretch."' 
 
 "You w r ould, would you, old corpilence ? It's well 
 as there ain't a law for burnin' you, or all the fat : d 
 be in the fire;" and if them wulgar, low-lived 
 wretches didn't roar with their laughter. 
 
 I says, " You're a reg'lar slaughter-house lot, as 
 a little hangin' wouldn't do no harm to." 
 
 just as I was a-speakin' there was a old woman 
 decided in liquor as up and shied a pint pot at me, as 
 would have done for me if it hadn't missed and hit a 
 party atween the blade-bones, as returned the com- 
 pliment by hitting out all round. So the police had 
 to interfere, and glad I was to get out of- the place, 
 and Mrs. Eyles and the policeman led me into the 
 courtyard, and there was a man shoutin' " Martha 
 Brown " like mad. 
 
 I says, "Here I am." "Look slippy," says the 
 policeman, and they hurries me along and shoves me 
 thro' a door, and there I was, reg'lar flurried and out 
 of breath, afore the judge and all. Of all the smelly, 
 stiflin' places ever I was in it w T as that court. How- 
 ever them judges can bear them head-dresses and 
 furs puzzles me, not as I'd time for to think of much, 
 thro' a party shovm 1 a book in my hand and a-makin' 
 me kiss it and swear to speak the truth, " as," I says, 
 lk is my habits, young man." 
 
 Well, a very nice party asked me very polite all 
 about it. So I says, " My Lord," I says, " I'll tell 
 you how it cum about." "Answer my questions," 
 says the party. 
 
97 
 
 " So I will," I says, " my lord ; but," I says, " how 
 ever are you to know if I don't tell you, not as I 
 bears any malice or hatred in my heart, but," I says, 
 "for to rob a lone woman " 
 
 The other judge, him as was a-settin' up above, 
 says, "My good woman," a expression as didn't 
 sound well in his mouth, " confine yourself to an- 
 swering when you Ye spoke to." 
 
 I says, "Yes, my lord," I says, " as it is my habits, 
 for I ain't one to trouble myself with nobody's busi- 
 ness, for I'm sure any one as knows me can bear 
 testaments." 
 
 "Answer the counsel directly," says another old 
 judge, as had a pimply nose and spoke irritable, as I 
 should say had been a-takin' somethin' in his tea, as 
 he must require, a settin' stiflin' and a-stewin' in that 
 place all day. 
 
 I says, " By all means ; I'm sure I don't want to 
 speak." 
 
 No more I didn't, for with all his rigmarole 
 questions he didn't get at the truth, for he kep' a-stop- 
 ping me, and when I thought as he was done, and 
 was a-turnin' to go, up got a young chap with a 
 snappy sort of manner, and says, " Pray, Mrs. Brown, 
 how old are you ?" 
 
 I says, " I ain't ashamed to tell my age, as was 
 born in the year of the allied sufferings comin' over, 
 as I've often heard my dear mother say, as she stood 
 on Westminster Bridge for to see 'em pass by, and 
 it's a mercy as she got a hackney coach." 
 
 So says the young chap, " Ah, I dare say, but we 
 don't want to hear about that, but all we want to 
 know is about your eyesight — is it as good as it used 
 to be?" 
 
 "Well," I says, "for that matter I can see as far 
 
 as my neighbours, and that Sunday afternoon " 
 
 He says, "What Sunday afternoon ?" I says, "As 
 
98 
 
 you're a-speakin' on." He says, "I never mentioned 
 the words." 
 
 "Then," I says, "you did ought to, for it was a 
 
 Sunday as I was a-settin' a-readin', leastways a- 
 dozin', when I heard a crack like glass a-givin' way. 
 So I gets on the seat, and looks over the wall jest in 
 time to see a man a-gettin' in at Mrs. Brittles' back 
 kitchen window, as I know'd was gone to a place of 
 worship." " Well," says the young chap, "you must 
 have a very long sight if you can see a man's face 
 gettin' in at a window when a long way behind him." 
 
 I says, "It is not a long way, for," I says, "it's 
 only the length of Mrs. Brittles' garden." " What 
 length is that ?" says .he. 
 
 "Why," says I, "the length of a garden." 
 "Well," he says, " look at the prisoner at the bar — 
 is he the individual that you saw a-gettin' into the 
 window ?" 
 
 " Well," I says, " let him turn round and make be- 
 lieve to be a-gettin' in at a window, and see if I don't 
 swear to him?" "Can you or can you not say 
 whether he is the man ?" asks the judge. 
 
 "Well," I says, " my lord, leastways I think " 
 
 "Don't think. Will you swear?" says the young 
 chap. "You're quite enough to make any one, not 
 as anything would make me give in to such a low 
 habit." "You wont swear, then?" says he. "Cer- 
 tainly not." 
 
 " Stand down," says a policeman. 
 
 I did stand down, and was glad to get out of the 
 place, but was that trembly as I sunk down on a 
 bench, and if they hadn't got me some refreshments I 
 don't think as I ever could have left that place. 
 
 Well, it wasn't very long afore they come out, and 
 I hears a young chap say, " It's all right, he's got him 
 off. Wasn't the old gal a trump." Jest then up comes 
 Mrs. Brittles in a towering passion, as says to me, 
 
99 
 
 " You're a base ooman, a-perjurin' yourself like that 
 just to spite me, as have told me yourself as you 
 could swear to that man anywheres, and then to eat 
 your own words, as in my opinion you've been bought 
 off, as I'll see if law can't lay hold on you." 
 
 Well, I was that took a-back as I nearly dropped, 
 and how I got home I don't know with a splittin' 
 head and Brown that coldblooded, a-sayin' that it 
 was all my own fault, and if I'd held my tongue I 
 might have kept out of it, as was only my wantin' for 
 to seem to know everythin'. 
 
No. 16. 
 
 1§rs. Ir0lutt axttr \fa (&m$txax of % Jmrclj. 
 
 h 
 
 [" L'Empereur Napoleon, sur les temoignages 
 avantageux qui ont ete rendus de la moralite de 
 Mme. Brown, ainsi de la reputation distinguee qu'il 
 s'est acquise dans sa profession desirant lui donner une 
 marque particuliere de sa bienveillance et de sa pro- 
 tection, nous a ordonne de lui accorder le titre de 
 Fournisseur de l'lmpera trice. " 
 
 We were highly gratified, as we are sure our 
 readers will be, by having the above announcement 
 forwarded to us : but on applying to Mrs. Brown for 
 confirmation of the statement, have been favoured with 
 the following reply : — ] 
 
 JE appointed to the Emperor's household? 
 I'm sure I never shall forget the turn young 
 Simmons gave me when he came in with that 
 paper as he'd been and copied out of a winder thro' 
 being in a west-end house, tho' livin' at home with his 
 mother, as steady a woman as ever trod shoe-leather, 
 tho' rather took up too much with them Methodists 
 for me, and a good son he is I must say, tho' fond of 
 his joke, and a-seein' a deal of life as is quite different 
 at the west-end, with their clubs and balls and other 
 gimcracks, as must want somethin' to do bad to give 
 into such things. Well, when he comes in he says, 
 "Your fortune's made, Mrs. Brown, tho' I don't know 
 
101 
 
 as Brown will like it," I seemed quite took a-back ; as 
 the sayin' is. 
 
 So I says, " Whatever do you mean ? " " Oh ! " 
 he says, " it's all wrote out and signed reg'lar, and I 
 see it in a winder myself, and here's the copy, as our 
 head man has been and told me the English on." 
 
 " I says, "Whatever are you a-jaggerin' about ? " 
 "Oh," he says, "he's been and made you his four- 
 nisseur." 
 
 "His what?" says I. "Why, his fournisseur," 
 says he, " as is printed plain." 
 
 " What are you a-runnin' on at ?" I says. "Who's 
 been and dared for to tamper with my name?" He 
 says, " The Emperor Napoleon." 
 
 " Who ?" says I. " The Emperor," says he. 
 
 "Charles Simmons," says I, "whatever do you 
 mean ?" "Why," he says, " there you are a-figgerin' 
 in a window of a bonnet shop in Bond-street as the 
 Emperor's fournisseur." 
 
 You might a-knocked me backwards ; as it was I 
 dropped in a chair like any one took silly, and if it 
 hadn't been as the bottle was on the table, as Mrs. 
 Challin had brought in, as not hardly knowin' what 
 I did I put to my lips, I do think as convulsions would 
 have set in. When I got on my glasses and looked 
 at the paper, it wasn't nothing but a lot of French 
 gibberish. So I says, "Charley," I says, "whatever 
 does it mean?" "Why," he says, "our head man 
 has made it out for to mean as the Emperor, havin' 
 heard speak of the morality of Mrs. Brown, and 
 a-wishin' for to give her a mark of his esteem, and 
 desiring for to take her under his protection, has 
 ordered her to be made his fournisseur." 
 
 "But," I says, "whatever is a fournisseur ?" He 
 says, "As our head man didn't know; but it was 
 something like the Empress herself." 
 
 I says, " I never did. What insults to be sure, the 
 
102 
 
 willin ! I've heard tell of his morality, and a nice 
 one he is. Take me under his protection, indeed ! 
 I never did ! I thought as he stared very hard at 
 me that time as he very near run over me thro' 
 comin' between his pheaton and a omnibus, not as I 
 think much on him nor the Empress neither. Why, 
 they wasn't much better than myself a few years ago, 
 for I've heard them say as saw it that the mob broke 
 into the Pallis, and throwed the Royal family and all 
 the furniture out of the window in heaps in the court- 
 yard, and the destruction was awful. It's lucky as they 
 didn't cut their heads off as they did the ones afore 
 them, as it's disgraceful to hear about, and whatever 
 them police and soldiers could be a-doin' to stand by 
 and allow such goin's on, as never is at their posts 
 when they should be. So it ain't a place as ever I 
 should care to be in permanent, as you never know I 
 when you go to bed to-night if you mayn't get up 
 with a riverlution a-runnin' thro' the streets in the 
 mornin' ; as I'm told they barricadoed^ even to the 
 busses, as must be easy done w T hen you see how three 
 will block up the way ; and innocent parties g-oin' out 
 on a errand, and never come home thro' bein' shot 
 down like dogs, him a-givin' the order, as the poor 
 old lady, as is a consurgery close by, where we was 
 a-stoppin', had a son, as fine a young man as was in 
 the Blues, and found his body a-welterin' in the sun, 
 as the say in' is, and never been right in her mind 
 since, and when hearin' of a drum will scream, and 
 the only thing as pacifies her is hot charcoal to the 
 feet and knittin' -needles, as distracts the mind, as it 
 will be sure to come home to him, a ugly wretch to 
 look at, tho 5 it was as much as ever I could do for to 
 keep Brown under for abuse agin the lot, as he says 
 one is as bad as the other of them as has power, as 
 may be true, not as ever I'll believe as the Lord 
 Mayor, as I've seen myself a-settin' in his chains, 
 
103 
 
 would ever order and one to fire down Cheapside on 
 unoffendin' passers-by, for whoever would be safe ; 
 but them foreign parts don't seem safe to me, for the 
 people's got such squallin' ways, and up in a moment 
 over a game of cards. But certainly to iron and get 
 up fine things the}' are wonderful, not as I'm bad 
 myself, but somehow the things smells stifley thro' 
 the charcoal, as is a thing as would soon finish me, 
 as it did them two young' couple as lived near where 
 we was, as picked up a livin' with a harp and wiolin 
 a-singin' at them coffees ; and bitter weather it was 
 when they did it, and she a-shiverin' with hardly 
 a shoe to her foot, and a wretched old gown with no 
 bonnet on, as made my heart bleed a-seein' them 
 pass by, and would have g'ive 'em a cup of soup with 
 pleasure, tho' not a-knowin' the language, and didn't 
 like to stop 'em, and that poor girl, Brown's niece, as 
 bad as she could be, I was forced to stop and nurse, 
 and when I heard say as them poor creatures had 
 been and stifled theirselves thro' a-stoppin' every 
 crevice with burnin' charcoal, I thought I should have 
 dropped, as must have been drove to desperation 
 thro' hunger bein' a sharp thorn, and if ever I see a 
 angel it was that young gal with the large floppety 
 white bonnet on her head, as come and took the little 
 child as they left down along with the porter, thro' 
 not havin' the heart to stifle it, and no wonder, for it 
 was a beauty, and when that Sir de Charity, as they 
 calls her, come for it, if she wasn't English." 
 
 So I says, "My dear, whatever are you a-doin' 
 here away from your friends in this outlandish place?" 
 But she says " As she was as happy as the day was 
 long." And so she looked ; but I couldn't help havin' 
 a good cry for to think of her ; but, law bless you, I'm 
 told that them sirs is everywhere a-nussin' in the hos- 
 pitals and on the battle-fields, and gets nothin' for it 
 but the blessings, as they well deserves. 
 
104 
 
 But them French is so singler in their ways, for 
 they're up to every game as you can think on, but, 
 bless you, as sharp as needles, as I soon found out, 
 and certainly very polite, tho' I have heerd say as a 
 good deal of that is gone. out along with the men a- 
 kissin' and a-huggin' whenever they met. 
 
 But certainly the soldiers is wonderful all over the 
 place, and some of them heathen Turks as wild as 
 alligators, not as ever I felt at all afraid on 'em, for 
 they seemed uncommon cheerful, tho' given to be 
 boisterous ; but as to their doin's it's wonderful, a- 
 goin' anywheres and everywheres just as that Em- 
 peror orders, only I shouldn't advise 'em to come 
 any of their nonsense in London, as is easy reached 
 by train, for I'm sure we shouldn't like their ways, 
 as considers our own soldiers a downright nuisance, 
 as they always was when I lived near them barracks 
 in the Regency Park, where the fights was a downright 
 disgrace of a Sunday night, as I've seen myself strip- 
 ped to the skins, and all run away like mad from a 
 single policeman, not as them French seemed to 
 quarrel much, as is fond of their dancin' and rubbish 
 of a Sunday evenin', as I says it's better anyhow than 
 fightin' and stabbin' with them baggynets, as 'appened 
 in a public-house in Kentish Town, thro' the young 
 gal a-refusin' to draw them any more beer, and was 
 disarmed in consequence, as is very proper in my 
 opinion. 
 
 But all I've got to say is that if the Emperor have 
 been and put me down on his household, it must be 
 thro' that Mr. Scratchley's rubbish a-goin' on about 
 me, as I should say there must be a law agin, or who- 
 ever can be safe in their beds ; not as evef I wanted 
 him for to make me that notorious, and if Brown had 
 been half a man he'd a stopped him long ago. 
 But if they think as ever they'll get me to turn French I 
 they're mistaken, for, law bless you, I can't speak a 
 
105 
 
 word on it, as is the most tongue-tryingest rubbish, 
 what I calls a reg'lar jargon, as the sayin' is, and 
 swear in it frightful, as they do, tho' not much harm, 
 as there ain't no meanin' in it. 
 
 So when I was got home I says to Brown that very 
 night, I says, " If they was to crown me to-morrow, I 
 wouldn't go and live there. Why," I says, "they 
 haven't got such a feather-bed as this not in all Paris, 
 and tho' I must own as them mattrasses is very com- 
 fortable, nothin' suits my bones like a feather-bed, as 
 I've been a-layin' on this forty year, as was my dear 
 mother's, and has had two new ticks with the feathers 
 baked and added to ; and if there is a thing as brings 
 me round it's a pint of fresh-drawed porter, as I owes 
 my life to, and a good bit of wholesome meat is 
 worth all their messes ; and I'm sure the dish-wash as 
 they calls soup is wonderful to think on, and they 
 ain't no figures to speak on with complexions like 
 w T ashed-out calico. So," I says, * give me Old Eng- 
 land arter all; for," I says, "you may go further 
 and fare worse, as the sayin' is." But, bless you, 
 Brown was a-snorin', and so a-feelin' thankful as I 
 was in my own bed agin safe and sound, I soon dropt 
 off. 
 
No. 17. 
 
 ] ELL, then, in my opinion he don't know 
 nothin' about it, and didn't ought to write - 
 such rubbish. However should he, as is only 
 a stonemason, or something- like that, leastways a 
 architect, as is the same thing as a builder, as I heard 
 Brown say when he was a-readin' to me last Sunday 
 evenin'. 
 
 I says, " What rubbish," I says, " a-talkin' about 
 slaves as did used to be all black, and I'm sure I 
 never should fancy my meals cooked by niggers, thro' 
 seein' one of 'em once make a curry with his own 
 hands, a-squeezing of it about, as is always un- 
 pleasant even when washed constant, as any one as 
 is black would no doubt consider waste of time, as 
 is the reason as I don't hold with black stocking's, as 
 never was allowed in service when I first went out, as 
 my dear mother used to say, ' Dress respectable and 
 not over your station,' words I always kep' in mind 
 when a-layin' out my quarter wages, when things 
 wasn't what they are now for price, and have give 
 tenpence and a shillin' a yard for a cotton dress, as 
 always looked well and washed to the last, with my 
 cap a-coverin' my hair well for to keep out the dust 
 when sweepin', and my sleeves tucked up and a 
 apron as tied round me ; but, law bless you, now-a- 
 days there they are with a bit of a fancy rag- stuck 
 at the back of their heads, and a nice mess they 
 
gets into a-shakin' a bit of bed-side carpet even, 
 and their crinolines, as shows disgraceful when 
 a-cleanin' of door-steps, and on a Sunday they're a 
 sight." 
 
 It was only last week as Jane Challin come home 
 to see her mother, as is out in place somewhere west- 
 wards, and never did I see such foolishness — a bonnet 
 as looked that bold, with a red rose stuck in the 
 middle, and a fancy shawl, with a dress as is made 
 for to look like silk, bein' nothin' but cotton and 
 worsted. 
 
 So I says, "Jane," I says, "it's all very well for 
 to spend every farthin' on your back, a coverin' it 
 with rubbish, but you might buy useful things, and 
 have a trifle to spare for your mother, as has a hard 
 struggle with seven." 
 
 She says, " My young gentleman likes me to look 
 like a lady when we walks out on a Sunday." 
 
 "Oh," I says, "indeed! then it's a pity if he's a 
 gentleman as he lets you keep in place. Why don't 
 he marry you off-hand ?" 
 
 She says, " He will as soon as he gets a pound a 
 week, as he only haves eighteen shillin's now." 
 
 I says, "Pray, whatever is he ?" 
 
 She says, " He's in the haberdashery business." 
 
 " Well, then," I says, " whatever do you mean by 
 ladies and gentlemen, as is your betters, as you are 
 only a-apin' ;" for, bless you, that young man he 
 comes out in his patent leather boots, as makes a 
 ugly foot look bad in my opinion, and he's got his 
 fine ties and light gloves, as I suppose he gets for 
 nothin', with a flower in his coat, and a beastly bad 
 cigar a-smokin' constant. Them cheap clothes 
 never looks well beyond a Sunday or two, and there 
 they are a couple of fools as will marry to misery on 
 a pound a week, and come to pawnin' the very bed 
 from under 'em. 
 
io8 
 
 I says, "Jane, if he's a shopman and you're a 
 general servant (as is the word, for, bless you, she 
 was up in a moment because I said maid-of-all-work) 
 why don't you save all as you can?" for she's got a 
 good place, as I considers eight pounds a year with 
 everything found her, and only a widder lady to wait 
 upon ; but not she, the more she gets the more she'll 
 spend; as certainly I do pity them poor lodgin'-house 
 gals, as gets p'raps four pounds and a turn-up bed 
 in the washus, thro' all the family cccupyin' the 
 kitchens, as was nine in all, and let the whole house 
 out, and what that gal had to do isn't for to be 
 reckoned up till she was took with fits, and died in 
 the workhouse infirmary, as was all brought on by 
 bad livin'. 
 
 But as to Mr. Ragskin, or whatever is his name, 
 he must be a downright idjot, not to say a brute, for 
 w r herever is the use of talking about beatin' of a ser- 
 vant gal, as he'll find the law don't allow, so he'd 
 better not try it on like the master of the workhouse, 
 as was properly punished, tho' I must say as them 
 creatures in the workhouse is a bad lot, and what 
 aggravates me is to think of the downright wicked- 
 ness of putting a lot of young gals in the same place 
 as the vilest wretches as disgraces the streets, and the 
 langwidge that awful, as a young Irish gal I once 
 had told me as she'd rather lay down and die than 
 go back, as was a good gal, but simple like. No 
 more she didn't, but went out as a emigrant in a 
 family. 
 
 And as to havin' of servants for ladies to treat 
 'em like sisters. Oh, indeed! I suppose drink tea 
 and play the pianer together. Why Mr. Ragskin 
 must have been a-drinkin'. 
 
 I dare say, indeed, and whatever is the lady's hus- 
 band to do? He couldn't set by and see Mary Ann 
 put on coals, or go to open the door. It's my opinion 
 
t09 
 
 that there' 5 some folks as is always a-writin' and 
 a-talkin' about what don't concern 'em. 
 
 You can easy tell as Mr. Ragskin don't know 
 nothin' about servants, and I'm sure he can't have 
 talked it over with no lady as keeps a house ; but 
 law, we all know that them old bachelors don't know 
 nothin' as lives in chambers. Not as I'm one for 
 keepin' servants down, and well I remembers my own 
 missus who was a good mother and wife, and kept 
 house like a angel, she always spoke proper, but 
 wouldn't have no rubbish, and tho' when alone she'd 
 say so me, " Martha, bring your work and set with 
 me," I always knowed my place, and would read 
 beautiful to me, and never would allow no followers 
 nor Sunday evenin' church, nor none of that, but 
 would say, "If you wants to go out on Sunday 
 evenin' say so honest ; " but church was never no 
 excuse for her, as is the greatest rubbish, as I've 
 heard lots of servant gals say as one went in for to 
 hear the text and told the rest, as was a family where 
 the master always asked 'em solemn of a Sunday 
 evenin' what discourses they heard, as had better have 
 minded his own business and set a good example. 
 Not as I mean to say a word agin discourses, as is 
 proper, nor goin' to a place of worship, only it's a 
 pity for to look too close into them matters, as is 
 people's own concerns, and only causes hypocrisy and 
 lies, as the sayin is. 
 
 I've lived as servant seven years in one place and 
 three in another, as Brown married me from, and 
 always respected thro' a-respectin' my betters, and as 
 I've heard my dear missus say often and often when 
 Fd go to see her, "Martha Brown, depend on it, good 
 servants makes good places, for people ain't such 
 fools as to part with what suits 'em ; but now, bless 
 you, there's such servants as you can't keep pace 
 with, for," says she, "I went to call on my friend, 
 Mrs. Wenables, the other day, and says to the house- 
 
no 
 
 maid 'Is your missus at home?' < I'll see,' says the 
 jSVlL Wexables is.' Isays, <AuVt you her 
 Servant then ? ' as made her look foolish. 
 
 But it's all the ruin of the servants that cheap rub- 
 bish of dress and too much readin, as is all very 
 ri'ht Sits way; but a parcel of idle young hussies 
 out wkh children in them perambulators a-lettm of 
 their heads hang over enough to bring on fits and a- 
 runnin' into you with that front whee 1_ thro A em 
 a-readin' as they goes along, and of al ^ a bu se as 
 ever you heard that young gal gave me till the 
 Sfceman come up, as pretty soon made her ^change 
 her tune, as mudded the front of my gown shameful 
 andTs a mercy as I didn't pitch for'ard on to them 
 habbi°s as it might have been the death on. 
 b And i'm sure°the letters as they're a-wnt,n wjh 
 thework neglected, would drive me mad, as was done 
 at Mr Bulby's, as lived in the Grove, and three 
 o'clock and not a bed made nor a dish washed of last 
 nigSs ipper, thro' Mrs. Bui** goih out • ^edg, 
 and a-askin' me to step round, as f° un , d *f S^ 6 " 
 o-rocer there with my own eyes a talkin to that gaL 
 and nicely put out she was thro' me a-ordenn the tea 
 to teready acnn Mrs. Bulby come in, as don't aflow 
 
 boxes searched, and things took out as w the fanuly s 
 a-cryin' bitter for shame, as did ought to have been 
 n P rsecuted only for the trouble, and the tault is as 
 noT on 'em am't brought up for servant, as hey 
 considers degradin', as the sayin is, but likes slop 
 Sk as gives 'em their Sundays tree, as seems to me 
 to be dl turned upside-down in their notions .andean 
 hnJI » Potato and nice wives for a pool man, as is 
 Sol: to tht public-house and that's the end o most 
 
 of 'Pin as is ways I don't hold with, bo it MR. 
 
 tJZ wants to Low about se rvants 1 [can toU h,m 
 
 p'raps as much as any one, not as I d say a word to 
 
 them, as is a deal too saucy for me. 
 
No. 1 8. 
 
 Its. Imto on ^muhtpxx^ 
 
 ||LL Fve got to say, then, is rubbish, and them 
 should be words to my dying day to any one 
 as said such things as is beyond reason and 
 above patience, as the sayin' is. 
 
 Whatever is £200 a-year ? Reckon it up and see 
 if you can make much more of it than not quite four 
 pounds a week with Income-tax took off, as I knowed 
 was done when Miss Wenables married Mr. Hoskins, 
 as had that income, being a inland revenue, as is 
 never overpaid, thro' a cousin of mine, as was in one 
 of their cutters, as was drove into bein' one hisself 
 thro' debt, and sailed for America sudden on a Tues- 
 day without no more than he stood up in, not even to 
 a change of linen, as must have been unpleasant 
 stifled up in a ship for months together. 
 
 Yes, it's easy for to say, " Take the book and read 
 it," as of course I will when I come to be tied up for 
 the afternoon, tho' I can't think wherever I've put my 
 glasses, as don't suit me at all, as must be too power- 
 ful I should say, for Fve no sooner got them on than 
 I feels that they're a-drawin' me to sleep. 
 
 But don't it stand to reason as no one can keep a 
 house like ladies and gentlemen on four pounds a 
 week. Why, we spends just on three in our little 
 way, a-payin' money down for everything. 
 
 You come to have a butcher or a baker's bill, as 
 
112 
 
 them is forced into as gets the money by the quarter, 
 and then see how a sovereign goes, like butter afore 
 the sun. 
 
 Why, I nussed poor Mrs. Hoskins twice myself, as 
 had a hundred a year of her own extra, and never 
 could make both ends meet was it ever so, with a 
 little family a-comin' on, and often and often she's 
 said to me as it was a reg'lar struggle, and as nice 
 a gentleman, fond of his home, tho' not a-takin' to the 
 infant kind at night, a -savin' if his rest was broke he 
 hadn't no head for work in the mornin', as would set 
 up ever so late for try and eke out a livin', as the 
 say in* is. 
 
 I'm sure the way they was plundered in them 
 tradesmen's books was downright shameful, and 
 never out of debt, tho' the rent was only £40, but 
 throw in rates and taxes it's twelve pounds more, to 
 say nothin' of gas. Then a general servant, and a 
 gal as I don't hold to be no savin', for they eats more 
 than a grown woman and wastes more than they 
 eats, with no ideas of doin' nothin', and as full of 
 their impudence as you please, and no getting 'em 
 out of their beds. 
 
 A good, respectable, honest servant will stand you 
 in thirty pounds a year at the least, and if you once 
 gives in to a charwoman, it's downright ruin, what 
 with half a day here and a mornin' there, as is sure 
 to drop in at meal times, to say nothin' of odds and 
 ends as they collars natural. 
 
 I knows as a butcher's and baker s bills soon 
 mounts up to thirty shillin's in ever so small a way, 
 and add in your grocery and butterman, with not a 
 vegetable but potatoes, and see where three pounds 
 a week will be for bills ; then add in your coals and 
 beer, as I hold to be waste in a house, for they send 
 the casks a third full of muck and rubbish, as will 
 turn sour at the least thing, and wasted dreadful tho' 
 
H3 
 
 kept under lock and tilted regular, yet left a-drippin' 
 all night, as runs away with a quart or two before 
 you can turn round in the mornin', and what's the 
 end ? Why, of course, debt and difficulties, as I 
 often used to say, " Mrs. Hoskins, mum, that grease- 
 pot is a reg'lar eatin' into you," for the things I've 
 seen as has found their way there, and as to a tub for 
 pig-wash, I'd as soon have the bottomless pit in the 
 house, as will swallow up everything. 
 
 It is heart-breakin' for to see parties a-strugglin' on 
 a-tryin' to be ladies and gentlemen, as is so in their 
 places, but not havin' got the money is a-pinchin' 
 theirselves with care in every line, and regular old 
 afore they're young, and not a-makin' no show 
 neither. 
 
 I'm sure that time as Mrs. Hoskins asked me for 
 to stop with the baby, as she went for to dine with his 
 head, as she called him, and was consequent obliged 
 to go, and wore her wedding dress, as she had 
 trimmed with black velvet and black lace square over 
 her shoulders, thro' bein' in mournin' out of compli- 
 ment like, as the sayin' is, tho' it's a compliment as I 
 don't want no one to pay me in a hurry. In my 
 opinion that white silk would never have bore the 
 light but for the black trimmin , ) and really a-grudgin' 
 the cab fare, as were heavy, thro' its bein' all the 
 way to Bayswater, and them a-livin' off the Bow-road, 
 and as she says, " Whatever pleasure is it ?" as was 
 back by eleven, and might have heard her infant at 
 Mile-end Gate, as nothin' wouldn't pacify after half- 
 past nine, tho' I'm sure them tops and bottoms was 
 like jelly with carraways for to comfort him. 
 
 I'll tell you how you can live on £200 a year. Start 
 out of debt, with something in hand for to be able to 
 keep so, and the best things is unfurnished apartments, 
 where you knows the end on it, for I'm sure get into 
 a house and it never does end. First one thing and 
 
114 
 
 then another, your hand's never out of your pocket, 
 and as to a garden except for to dry the clothes it's 
 downright ruin. 
 
 I'm sure to live in a house and have people a-comin' 
 for money would be my death, as I've seed that young 
 Mrs. Hoskins turn pale at a single knock, and often 
 not the price of the manglin' by her, as was a good 
 industrious creature, and the way she'd set and cut up 
 her things for them two eldest, as hardly went over 
 the door after that time as the gal shoved the peram- 
 bulator into the canal, and nearly drownded the lot. 
 
 It's all very fine to go and write a lot about what 
 people ought to do, but let them as writes try it, and 
 they'll soon see. .Why, meat alone is ruination, and 
 the doctor a-orderin' strong beef tea for the little girl 
 as is in irons, thro' bein' put down too soon. 
 
 I'm sure I often used to wonder how that young 
 man could bear up as he did, a-takin' a bit of lunch 
 with him and nothin' but that table beer, and wouldn't 
 have a drop of sperrits in the house beyond a bottle 
 of brandy, as I would not keep in the place without 
 a well knowin' what it is in illness, as has brought 
 the life back to many as doctors have give over. 
 
 Brown, you needn't say, " Read the book and see 
 what it says," for I don't mean to. Dont I know 
 them parties in the name of Williams, as lived in the 
 small house in Springfield-terrace, where there was 
 lion's heads a-grinnin' and a glass street-door, as I 
 don't hold with, thro' not bein' that private as I likes, 
 and bein' ketched a-goin' up-stairs, as I was myself 
 not fit to be seen. 
 
 Why, that young man had £400 a year, and began 
 quite grand ; for I'm sure the electrified plate must 
 have cost a little fortune, and only sold like rubbish, 
 as I always says silver's quite good enough for me 
 like my teapot, as I wouldn't have electrified was it 
 ever so. 
 
us 
 
 "I'm sure her pianer with yellow silk let in, as 
 looked elegant, with the drawin'-room, as was all lace 
 curtains and artificial flowers, with two lookin' -glasses 
 and wax flowers, and that cheap furniture, as I never 
 did hold with, all shiny thro' warnish, but no strength 
 in it, as I'm sure that sofy as give way with me the 
 very first time as I called for to see her, as says, 
 " Take a settin'," polite like. So I drops on to the sofy, 
 as was lower than might be expected, and the crash 
 as that leg give way with a-throwin' me back with 
 the crown of my bonnet thro' a pane of glass, as 
 might 'ave been my death, for I don't hold with 
 a-settin' agin a winder, and her a-sayin' quite cool as 
 it had give way the night afore thro' her good gentle- 
 man a-bein' tired and a-throwin' hisself on it, as is all 
 outside show, and her dressed out a-receivin' of her 
 company, and two bridesmaids a-settin' and a-waitin' 
 all day, and only three old scarecrows come in a fly 
 after all, with a silver cake basket and a waiter to 
 match, for handing of the cake and wine, and not able 
 to do a hand's turn thro' bein' quite the lady, and her 
 father only in the ready-made line after all, and I'm 
 sure the trouble as I had a-goin' night and rriornin' 
 for six weeks to dress and undress that infant, as she 
 couldn't hold, let alone nurse, and said as she didn't 
 care for children, as put my blood up. 
 
 I says, " Then, in my opinion, you ought to have 
 kept single," and always a-whinin' and a-frettin' and 
 a-makin ? him that savage as he'd rush out of the 
 house, as took to the bettin'-ring, and then it was all 
 over, as might have been a steady man with a happy 
 home, as I see broke up with my own eyes, and buried 
 the infant the same week, as was as well, not as she 
 felt nothin', but how to save her pianer. 
 
 " I says, " Why you never touches it," as was no 
 great player I've heard say, and as to her singin', 
 why give me shrieks, as mean somethin', not that up- 
 roar, as w r asn't music neither. 
 
n6 
 
 If parties is honest, and a-goin' to pay their way, 
 let 'em beg-in quiet, for it's easy to launch out, as the 
 sayin' is; but as to livin' with a family on £200 a 
 year, it can only be done decent, as I've said, except 
 old maids and widders, and they may write books till 
 they're blind. At the price things is now it's only 
 mechanics' wages, as I've knowed a gasfitter myself 
 as earned it. Not as I means to say as there ain't 
 a many as is bad managers, and that extravagant as 
 would spend a fortune on their backs alone, as isn't 
 my ways. 
 
 So don't you come home a-expectin' to cut a dash 
 on four pounds a week, Mr. Brown, and I wish as 
 them as has been a pisonin' your mind and a fillin' 
 up your head with such rubbish had to keep you on 
 it with every delicacy, as I'm quite satisfied, and 
 thankful for what I gets, as is clean and wholesome, 
 and none of your rubbish for me. 
 
No. 19. 
 
 I'M sure I don't know what the world is a- 
 comin' to, that I don't, for the way as parties 
 goes on is awdacious as I never did. Why, 
 you ain't safe in your own house, as Brown says is a 
 Englishman's castle, not as I'd wish to have one for 
 to live in myself, thro' knowin' what they is, as I've 
 seen with my own eyes, where my own aunt lived and 
 died, as the sayin' is, bein' a place called Rochester, 
 as you did use to get at easy by the boat to Gravesend, 
 and a 'bus as runned reg'lar. 
 
 Of all the ruinated old places, with no roof on and 
 holes all round you, with a wind enough to turn a 
 mill, and I should say as they must have been strong 
 constitutions in them days, and must be fond of air, 
 and not mindin' the cold thro' a-wearin iron plates all 
 over 'em didn't feel it, as must have been uneasy for 
 to sleep in I should say, not to say a-pressin' hard on 
 the body, as I never could bear even a steel busk 
 myself, and do not hold with them restraints, as must 
 be hurtful. 
 
 But I was a-settin' noddin' a bit, thro' its being 
 duskish arter tea, and not a-carin' for to light a candle 
 too soon, when I hears a sharp crack as woke me up 
 sudden ; but I says, " P'raps it was fancy," and didn't 
 take no more notice, and it wasn't till the next day as 
 I was a-standin' at the winder, and see a party a-keep 
 
n8 
 
 a-touchin' of his cap and a-pointin'. Sothinkin' as he 
 were p'raps took silly, I didn't make no remarks 
 till he rung- the bell. 
 
 I says to the gal as answered it, and was a talkin' 
 to him at the gate, "Whatever is it?" She says., 
 " He wants to know if he shall mend you." 
 
 "Mend me!" I says; "he's a maniac." "Yes," 
 she says, " he is, for he don't speak no English pro- 
 per," as proved to be a foreigner. 
 
 So I says, "Whatever is it, mounseer?" thro' 
 knowin' how they likes to be talked to ; but he jab- 
 ber'd away as sounded Jewish to me, and kep' a- 
 pointin' to the parlour window, and if there wasn't a 
 pane starred all over, as must have been the crack 
 as I heard over night, and them Harker boys, the 
 plague of the place, a-throwin' stones all about, as is 
 highly dangerous, and cost their own mother a front 
 tooth comin' sudden round the corner. 
 
 Sol says, "Whatever will you do it for?" He 
 says, " One shillin', sixpence," as the gal heard him. 
 
 So I says, " That ain't dear," to myself, " as will 
 be half-a-crown if I sends to the glazier." So I says, 
 " I'm agreeable," but of all the knockin' and crashin' 
 as he made I never did, and cracked two in doin' it, 
 as he says he'd do a-making signs like. 
 
 When it was done if he didn't say as he would have 
 five shiilin's, a-holdin' up his fingers for the money. 
 
 I says, " Go along with your rubbish, I won't pay 
 you." He says, "You pay me, you pay me," a- 
 keepin' on a-hollarin' at me. 
 
 So I says, " Liza, you open the front door wide," 
 and I ups with the tongs, as was handiest, and says, 
 "Now you go peaceable and quiet, or things may be 
 unpleasant," and puts the eighteenpence on the table, 
 as he collared precious quick, but says, " More I vill 
 7 ave." 
 
 "Will you," says I, "now go." Well, he kep' a- 
 
H9 
 
 backin' and a-backin', me a-follarin liim up with the 
 tongs as he seemed for to shrink from like, but when 
 he gets to the door-mat there he stops, and wouldn't 
 let the gal shut the door thro' puttin' in his foot, as 
 was my orders. 
 
 " I says, " Get out, will yer." "No," he says, "my 
 money, my money." 
 
 So 3* gives a plunge at him with the tongs, as I 
 didn't think as would have reached him, but ketched 
 him in the side, nothin' for to signify, as wouldn't have 
 knocked a fly off, as the say in' is, when if he didn't 
 scream out and falls backards, down them three front 
 steps of ours, as I shouldn't so much have cared 
 about the fellow a-fallin' backard on if it hadn't been 
 as that good soul, Mrs. Yardley, were a-comin' up 
 that very minute, as is a lusty figger, and not as 
 active as she used to be thro' lumbago, as has 
 crippled her these two years, and if they didn't go 
 and roll down both together to the gate. 
 
 I never did have such a fright in my life, for I heard 
 poor Mrs. § Yardley give a sort of a somethin' between 
 a groan and a hollar, as was the breath a-bein' 
 knocked out on her, and the glass as he was a-carryin' 
 under his arm a-crushin' and shiverin' all over, and all 
 as ever me and Liza could do wouldn't get the fellow 
 up, as pretended to be stunned, and groaned frightful. 
 
 Well, what to do I couldn't tell, and if it hadn't 
 been for the butcher boy as come up, and a milkwoman, 
 as is natural strong thro' carryin' them pails, as 
 braces up the figger, I don't think as we ever should 
 have got that wagabond for to move, as had got his 
 back agin poor Mrs. Yardley's chest till she was 
 black in the face. 
 
 Of all the cussin' as ever I heard that willin give 
 into, a-sayin as I had killed him with broken glass 
 worth a sovereign scattered all over the place ; but 
 law, I didn't pay no attentions to him thro' a-gettirf 
 
120 
 
 Mrs. Yardley into the parlour, as had come to spend 
 the day, with the crown of her bonnet stove in, and 
 her new gownd all gravel walk and putty, to say 
 nothin' of the broken glass as had worked in. 
 
 It's a mercy as she wasn't killed, and, in fact, when 
 I see her a-settirf takin' her dinner comfortable, as she 
 did in about an hour's time, I was thankful, bein' a 
 heavy figure for to fall, as must weigh mJfcy tons if 
 she's a ounce. 
 
 But as to that wagabond as I'd have had the law 
 on ; but, bless you, there's never a policeman about if 
 you was to scream your life out ; he swore awful as 
 he'd have me up. I says, " Do your wust, this is my 
 house, and Brown is my name," as I wouldn't deny 
 was it ever so. 
 
 But, law, the fellow kep' ona-talkin' and a-groanin', 
 a-rubbin' of his side, that at last I give him the five 
 shillin's for to go in peace and quietness, thro' 
 a-wantin' for to go in and see to the dinner, as were 
 a roast fowl with a nice bit of pickled pork, some nice 
 French beans, and a damson tart, as that gal was no 
 more capable of lookin' arter than flyin\ 
 
 I certainly was savage when I see that fellow as 
 soon as he'd got the money run down the place and 
 turn round for to put his fingers to his nose, as the 
 gal told me, as met him with fetchin' the tart, as he 
 called me a old cow, and that most of his glass was 
 fragments a-ready made tor the purpose. 
 
 When Brovtr come in he only laughs and calls me 
 Old Greenhorns, as said it is one of the oldest tricks 
 out with them glazier chaps, as goes and breaks the 
 winders with their ovrn hands over night reg'lar, as 
 ain't glaziers at all. 
 
 But glad I was to see it come home to him, for it 
 was only last Sunday as Brown read it out to me 
 from the papers, as the same wagabond, no doubt, 
 had been a-tryin 7 it on with a party up in Finsbury, 
 
121 
 
 as is a monk thro' bein' close to the Catholic chapel, 
 as has a many on them about, and if that monk and 
 his good lady didn't up and kick him out of the house, 
 as I was glad on, and only hopes as it ma.y be a 
 warnin' to him, as is sure to come to a bad end. 
 
 A audacious falsehood as he is, tho' a light cha- 
 racter he must be, for Mrs. Yardley hadn't as much 
 as a bruise, tho' there's no tellin' what a shock may do 
 a-takin' of you sudden in comin' up steps, as is a 
 thing- I never could a-bear thro' bein' frightful dan- 
 gerous in a frost, as well I knows to my cost thro' 
 once a rollin' from the top to the bottom of twelve 
 one New Year's Day evenin', the list on my shoes 
 and cinders throw'd down on ; but I am glad as the 
 magistracy wouldn't give that fellow no satisfaction, 
 and said as the monk was perfect right in kickin' him 
 out as I wish I'd a done, a reg'lar bad lot as put in 
 the glass shameful, and as green as grass with a 
 seam in it, as makes everythin' look crooked outside. 
 But law, if it ain't one thing it's another, and really 
 there's no tellin' a thief from an honest man now-a- 
 days, as is a thing as I don't hold with. 
 
 S&ftSt 
 
No. 20. 
 
 *»♦ iratot at Utepk 
 
 | OU may well say I must be glad to be home 
 again. Frn sure I never should have come 
 down only Brown worreted so, and said as 
 the sea air 'd freshen me up a bit, as is good for every 
 one; not as I wanted it, for home is my natural 
 elephant as I likes to stop in. 
 
 But we come by the boat all reg'lar from Black- 
 wall pier, as is a noble sight them docks, as puzzles 
 me, for however they gets them wessels in is a wonder, 
 and as to getting them out I should say it must be 
 done piecemeal, as the sayin' is. And lovely weather, 
 tho' the sun was sweltry, and looked to me as if it 
 was a-drawin' up rain, as is its nature, and I must say 
 as k were very agreeably, and met a many parties, 
 as made theirselves that pleasant till overtook by the 
 waves, as gives a dreadful qualm. 
 
 just about the Nore is where you first feels it, not 
 as I suffered anything to speak on, as I owes to takin' 
 nothin but a few sandwiches and a little cold without, 
 constant ; but them parties as dined hearty on sucking 
 pig, and biled mutton with caper's sauce, and damson 
 pie, was upset dreadful, which bottle porter will do, 
 as it stands to reason must set everything of a work 
 thro' bein' a constant fomentation itself. 
 
 Certainly that oshun wave is wonderful a-dashin' 
 up like soap-suds as I stood and watched myself that 
 
123 
 
 very evenin' as we arrived in the moonlight, as was 
 crowded to suffocation, and if Mrs. Yardley hadn't 
 got us a bed we might have been reduced to bathing- 
 machines, not as I can say much for the bed, as were 
 a tent, and rickety with the sackin' a givin' way as 
 soon as I was in, and Brown forced for to draw it up 
 afore ever we could get a night's rest; but I was 
 thankful as it wasn't no wuss, for I've had bed-fellows 
 as wouldn't let me rest, as I do think would find me 
 out anywheres, as is my horrors of them lodgin's, for 
 you'll never make me believe as they're not to be got 
 rid on thro' strict cleanliness, as is not to be looked 
 for in a sea-side lodgin'. 
 
 But if there wasn't one insect there was another, 
 for the gnats, or something had took to my right eye 
 and reg'lar bunged it up, as wasn't no pain, but a 
 dreadful eyesore. 
 
 Certainly I did enjoy my breakfast, as was relishin' 
 thro' the shrimps, and Mrs. Yardley one as knows 
 good livin'. But of all the things as ever I did see in 
 my life it was the bathin', as is the grand sight of the 
 mornin', it give me that turn as I was obligated for 
 to set down, and couldn't keep my eyes off for 
 wonderin' at 'em. 
 
 However such things is tolerated in a Cristian 
 country I don't know, as reminded me of a picter I've 
 seen of them savages a-runnin' into the water for to 
 murder Captain Cook, as hadn't no business there in 
 my opinion ; but to see full-grown Englishmen a-for- 
 gettin' of all decency is a thing* as I don't hold with. 
 
 I says, " Brown, you don't mean to tell me as it's 
 right and proper." He says as he supposes as par- 
 ties likes it, or else they wouldn't be a-settin 5 there a- 
 iookin' on. 
 
 I says, " Likes it, indeed, then, they did ought to be 
 ashamed of theirselves, and you may talk to me about 
 missionaries to savages, it's a pity as they don't come 
 
124 
 
 here, not as I holds with their rubbish ; but if I'd my 
 way I'd just send out the police in a boat with some 
 good stout cart-whips, and soon make them counter- 
 skippers jump into their clothes like disgustin' beasts 
 as they are. 
 
 But, law bless you, I do believe as there's somethin' 
 in the sea air as makes parties forget theirselves 
 wonderful, for they all lives with the winders open, 
 and not a bit of blind, as may be all very well on a 
 uninhabitable island, as Margate used to be, as I 
 went to see the caverns as they hid theirselves in, as 
 struck that cold to me that I was glad to get out on, 
 and have a little somethin' hot for to take off the chill. 
 
 It certainly is wonderful to see the crowds as is on 
 that pier, just for all the world like cattle in a pen, and 
 fiaunty-lookin' gals that bold in their hats, and their 
 hair all dishovelled thro' hangin' out to dry after 
 bathin', and a parcel of young chaps a-danglin' after 
 em, as is a gigglin' set of idjots as don't suit me. 
 
 So Mrs. Yardley and me was a-settin' on the end. 
 a-waitin' for the boat as come in there, as Yardley 
 were expected by, and there was a elderly party as 
 had got a tellyscope, as he was a-makin' very free 
 with. 
 
 He says to me quite civil, " It's very wonderful." 
 I says, " Oh, indeed ! " not a knowin' what he was a- 
 talkin' about. 
 
 He says, "They must be millions of miles in size." 
 I says, " It can't be," a-thinkin' he was a-talkin' about 
 the Goodwin Sands, as I've heard say was swallered 
 up in a single night, and is quicksands to this very 
 hour. 
 
 He says, " It's my opinion as we must hear more 
 about 'em/' 
 
 Well, I was a beginnin' to think as he was p'raps 
 a 'armless mumbecile, when he says to me, "Would 
 you like to have a look ? ' ' 
 
125 
 
 " What at ? " says I. " Why," says he, " the spots 
 in the sun, as my glass shows quite plain." 
 
 So I says, "With pleasure," and he holds the glass 
 for me, as I never could see thro' in my life ; but just 
 for to please him I says "Wonderful," as makes him 
 laugh, and he says, " That's a good un. Why you've 
 got both your eyes shut." 
 
 "Well," I says, " ain't that the way for to look thro' 
 them things ?" Well, he took ever so much trouble, 
 but law, I couldn't see nothing but every now and 
 then a round flash as came over the glass all black 
 in the middle. 
 
 Mrs. Yardley, as has had a boardin'-school edica- 
 tion, she saw it all wonderful, and talked to the old 
 gentleman, as was a observatory like the one in 
 Greenwich Park, as I've seen them old pensioners a- 
 showin' myself. But law, I don't hold with any of 
 their rubbish about the sun, nor the moon neither, 
 as they goes a-watchin' thro' them glasses, but can't 
 get near, nor find out nothin' about. 
 
 As to that old gentleman a-standin' me out as he 
 know'd them spots to be holes as was thousands o' 
 miles long. I says, " Go on with your rubbish, how- 
 ever can you measure 'em ?" as said it was a burnin' 
 mask, as I knowed afore he told me, as any one can 
 feel for theirselves. 
 
 So jest then the boat come in, and there was 
 Yardley, r as is good company, and one to live, a- 
 bringin' down nice things and all manner, not as there 
 is no lack of nothin' in Margate, and a pleasant tea 
 we had, and went arterwards to the Assembly Rooms, 
 where IVe heard my dear mother say the fust in the 
 land did use to dance, as come down reglar in the 
 hoys, as w T as boats afore steam was know'd about, 
 and couldn't bring them numbers as comes a-rushin' 
 in like the waves, as the sayin' is. 
 
 Certainly they did dance delightful tho' crowded, 
 
126 
 
 not as I cared much about it, for parties came a- 
 gallopin' about the place, and give me such drives as 
 throwed me down on to the laps of them as had got 
 seats as I was a droppin' for, and made them rude in 
 their remarks, a-sayin' " fall easy," and like that, and 
 two parties seemed for to follow me up like a-bumpin' 
 agin me, till at last I watches 'em a-comin', and give 
 em a shove as sent 'em over. 
 
 Well, there was a pretty how d'ye do. Up come a 
 chap as called hisself master of the ceremonies a-talkm' 
 to me. 
 
 So I says, " I don't want none of your ceremonies, as I 
 ain't one for to stand on none : but," I says, " if parties 
 makes too free with me they know what they'll get, 
 that's all." 
 
 Just then Yardley he come up and says, " You and 
 me'll have a dance together," and afore as I could 
 hardly think if he wasn't a-jumpin' me round the waist, 
 as made parties roar, and I was that, put out, but law, 
 Yardley is such a one with his larks as you can't be 
 angry, and didn't go too far, as is the way with some, 
 but only just to the refreshments, where he got me a 
 tumbler of hot port-wine negus, with lemon and 
 nutmeg, as did me a world of good. Then we went 
 home to supper, as is a meal I always look to, and as 
 to the sea air why you can be eatin' for ever and not 
 feel it, as must be ruin to a family as I should % 
 
 As to sleepin' I was no sooner in bed than asleep, 
 and certainly no wonder parties like the sea-side, for 
 it is a life, as the only pity is it can't last for ever, as 
 p'raps we shouldn't enjoy it as much if it did, tho' for 
 my part I likes to enjoy myself, and none of your grizzlin' 
 and grievin' for me, as'll bring you to your grave 
 afore your time; but for my part I do think, if it's 
 ever so 'umble, there's no place like home, as the 
 sayin' is. 
 
No. 21. 
 
 I'M sure truer words was never spoke than as 
 three moves is as bad as a fire, as the sayin' 
 is, for rack and ruin is the word, as well I 
 can prove by the wan-load as come in fragments, and 
 of all the down-pourin' rain as I know'd it would be 
 thro' the moon a-changin' on a Friday, as I've knowed 
 it do often myself, with a wet Monday consequently as 
 sure as ever it was my month's wash. 
 
 As to movin', it's a thing as I don't hold with, as 
 has had my share, and bad enough when only a few 
 streets ; but all the way from Stepney to South Lam- 
 beth, as I holds to be the North Pole for farness, as is 
 a day's journey, as the sayin' is, for I had a cousin as 
 lived in Kennington Oval, as used to take me till dusk 
 to get home again, tho' never stoppin' for a cup of tea. 
 But Brown he says move he must, and that's the 
 nearest where he could find a place with a bit of 
 garden, as his heart is set on thro' bein' that 
 passionate over flowers. Not as ever I fancied the 
 house with a range as there wasn't no doin' nothin' 
 with, and the oven as wouldn't hold a cheese plate, 
 with a biler as didn't supply itself, and not a bit of 
 copper not if it was to save your life. 
 
 As to the garden, I see nothin' in it, as no more 
 there weren't, thro' its bein' new made, with broken 
 crockery on the walks, and the house a-smellm' 
 mortary thro' its bein' all fresh cementary work. 
 
128 
 
 ' Certainly theparlors isnoble roomswith folding* doors, 
 and picked out with pink paint and marble mantel- 
 pieces, not as I hold with them French windows with 
 shutters onlyafastenhr half-a-way up, and a draught 
 under enough for to cut your feet off; and a-makin' 
 of the front kitchen a parlor is all very well, but don't 
 seem nat'ral, as is on the ground after all, and if 
 them two cupboards ain't damp my name's not Brown, 
 that's all. 
 
 Of all the days as ever you see it was that Wed- 
 nesday — as I will move on, thro* gettin' settled by 
 Saturday night, but, law bless you, settled, why, we 
 shan't never be, for as to gettin' things done unless 
 you do 'em yourself it's heart-breakin', and to seethe 
 way as I packed them things, tho' as to Mrs. Challin, 
 she's a born fool to go and put them flat irons and 
 two brass candlesticks in along with my tea service, 
 as can't be matched not for the Queen herself, as I 
 valued nat' ral thro' bein' my own dear mother's, as 
 is one I never had a angry word with, except that 
 time as I knocked the spout off the teapot thro' 
 a-fillin' it from the kettle contrary to her wishes, 
 and could have cried my eyes out when I see it all 
 come out piecemeal, as the sayin' is. 
 
 As to Mr. Pocock, as moved us he's a false man, as 
 I'd a told him to his face only Brown interfered, as is 
 a party I can't a-bear thro' a-marryin' two sisters 
 afore the first was hardly cold in her grave, as brought 
 on words atween us, thro' me a sayin' she wasnt his 
 lawful wife, as made Brown that wild with me, a-tellin' 
 me to mind my own business. 
 
 Of all the wans as ever you see, eighteenpence an 
 'our, why I'd have drawed myself nearly as well as 
 them rats of horses. I got 'em started off by ten 
 o'clock, Brown and me up before five, everything 
 nearly ready over night, when just as the milk come 
 round atween seven and eight it begun for to drizzle, 
 
129 
 
 as I says foretels a wet day, tho' the milkman he 
 thought different, a-sayin', "Rain afore seven, lift 
 afore eleven ; " as I says, " It's gone seven, as breaks 
 the charm," as the sayin' is. 
 
 I'm sure I never knowed no peace till I was off 
 myself in a cab, that full as the door wouldn't shut, 
 and that cat a-strugglin' like wild in my arms, just 
 for all the world like a Christian took anywhere agin 
 his will. 
 
 Of all the rides as ever I had it certainly was the 
 joltingest, and kep' a-throwin' me violent forward, and 
 then a-checkin' me back like, thro' the horse a-actin 
 that contrary, and the abuse of that cabman was enough 
 to make a worm turn as is trod on. So I up and give 
 him a bit of my mind, and says, " If you ain't got 
 your rights there's a summons open to you, as I can 
 face any day ; but," I says, "I'll have the law of you 
 thro' not a-givin' me a ticket, as is a mean action in 
 my opinion, as I wouldn't stoop to." But law, he up 
 and forgot hisself that dreadful that I don't know what 
 he wouldn't have done only Brown come in, as made 
 him step it pretty quick, a willin as v/ould have took 
 a mean advantage of a lady, the same as that one did 
 as I once give half-a-crown to, a-waitin' for change, 
 when he jumps on his box quite sudden, and with a 
 rude gesture, said as he'd carry me for nothin' next 
 time. 
 
 I thought I should have gone wild a-waitin' hour 
 after hour for them goods, with nothin' for to set on 
 but a odd tressel, with a bit of bread and cheese, as 
 Brown got me, tho' certainly the beer was relishin'. 
 
 It was quite dusk when the goods came, and when 
 I see my beddin' all exposed thro' the tarpaulin' being 
 blowed aside with the wind and rain a-blowin' violent, 
 I could have cried my eyes out, and it's a mercy as 
 I'd had some coals in, as is lucky with salt for to bring 
 first into a house. So the fires was a-burnin' bright, 
 
130 
 
 and of all the beastly drinkin' wretches it was them 
 fellows with the wans, as stifled me out with their rum, 
 as they was reg'lar reekin' with all over the place, and 
 a-fallin' up the stairs with the bannisters knocked out 
 with their violent ways, a-bangin' things about as if 
 they were cast-iron and had been and broke my look- 
 in'-glass, as will bring no luck for seven years. 
 
 As to gettin' our bed up that wasn't possible, for 
 Brown he reg'lar lost his temper, and went oflf in a 
 huff, a-sayin' as I'd managed bad, and there was me 
 and Mrs. Challin a-slavin' for to dry that beddin' as 
 was a-steamin' like mad. I do think as that woman 
 was born into the world for to be my bugbear, for 
 tho' well-meanin', she is the most aggravatingest 
 party, thro' bein' that foolish in her actions, a-pilin' up 
 w r ood and coals like a furnace, a-sayin' as the chimbly 
 must be all right thro' bein' quite uninhabited except 
 the policeman and his wife as had lived in the front 
 room, as kep' a smokin' in volumes, as the sayin' is. 
 
 Well, I was that busy in the bedroom, a-seein' how 
 I could contrive that bed, thro' not a-holdin' with a- 
 sleepin' on the floor, as is apt for to settle on the eyes 
 thro' draughts under the door, as is not to be kept 
 out, when I hears a-hollarin' and a-knockin' violent, 
 as I thought was them wan-men come back, as I 
 would not settle with, thro' a-seein' as they was far 
 gone in liquor. So I says, " Let 'em knock, as will 
 pr'aps attract the police," when I hears a-rattlin' and 
 a-shoutin' " Fire." 
 
 Well, I runs to the window, and there I sees such a 
 mob a-shoutin'. So I throws up the sash and says, 
 " Whatever is it?" Says the police, "It's the 
 engines, as ragin' flames is a-comin' out at the 
 chimbly-pot," as I could hear a-roarin' like a lion. 
 
 It give me such a dreadful turn that I staggers all 
 over the place, and it's a mercy as it was the beddin' 
 I pitched on to or I might have done for myself. 
 
131 
 
 It was ever so long afore I could g*et up, and go 
 down, and found the place full of firemen and police, 
 as I says, " Keep out the mob, or I shan't have a 
 thing left in the place/' as was a deluge for water 
 a'swillin' all about, and it's lucky as I had got the 
 beddin' up-stairs afore the fire broke out, or I do 
 believe it would have been washed away, as I nearly 
 was myself afore the fire was got under. 
 
 And what do you think was its cause ? Why, if 
 that policeman and his wife hadn't been and stuffed a 
 bundle of shavin's up that chimbly, as I should say the 
 down draught would have done 'em good, as five was 
 a-sleepin' in the room ; but it's well as it was found 
 out as it were, or we might have been burnt in our 
 beds. 
 
 If you'd heard Brown when he come in a-seein' me 
 that grimed as he busted out a-laughin', as set Mrs. 
 Challin off, as tho' hard of hearin' could join in 
 laughter, as she did in my opinion thro' bein' over- 
 took in liquor, for if she didn't then begin a-weepin', 
 and a-sayin' as she must go home to her husband, as 
 is a wooden-leg cobbler, and brought home frequent 
 in a frightful state, as she can only keep in by hidin ? 
 away his leg with them drinkin' fits on him. 
 
 Well, what with her howls and Brown's goin'-on, I 
 was that drove wild that if my spasms didn't come 
 on, as bends me double, and there I was a-settin' on 
 my feather-bed a howlin' like a ram's horn, and if it 
 hadn't been for a widder lady as lived next door, and 
 is the landlady a-comin' in, I don't think as I should 
 have lived 'die night out. All as they could do with 
 hot bricks perpetual and brandy and peppermint took 
 medicinal, didn't bring me round till past one o'clock, 
 as made Brown bestir hisself for to get the bed up, 
 and if it hadn't been as Jane come over the next day 
 for to help me, as I packed Mrs. Challin off the first 
 thing in the mornin', I dont believe as ever I should 
 
132 
 
 have got the place right any more, and as to the cat 
 she took it that to heart as never to be heard on no 
 more. 
 
 All I've got to say is that I'd rather stop in a old 
 house till it fell about your ears, as the sayin' is, than 
 move to a palace, where the carpets won't fit, and 
 everythin' seems topsy-turvy, and nothin' don't seem 
 to be suitable. I'm sure as the cold I caught and the 
 things I lost and got spoilt in that movin' was enough 
 for to make a saint forget hisself, that it was. 
 
No. 22. 
 
 $$*»♦ Ijwfott iro % fautg fart 
 
 I F all the awdacious swindles as ever I know'd 
 it's the wust, and as for law and justice why 
 they're downright humbug - , as the sayin' is, 
 for whatever is the use of a-goin' to law, as is only 
 made for to protect them thieves. 
 
 As to that old McDawdler, why if hang-in' ain't too 
 good for him my name ain't Martha, for to come here 
 a-cantin' and a-crawlin' and a-sayin' as he wasn't one 
 for to overcharge nor over-reach thro' a-bein' constant 
 at his chapel, as I says to him, " You'd better prove 
 by your actions than all your talk about thro 7 bein' a 
 deacon, like one as I know'd as was tried at the Old 
 Bailey hisself, and got fifteen year for forgerin', and 
 serve him right, as wronged the widder and the 
 orphan thro' his cantin' ways, as is the large chapel 
 down close to where I lived in the Commercial-road, 
 as you might hear the singin' clear of a summer 
 evenin' a-settin' in my back garden, as is no doubt 
 good sort of people, with the minister that fat as to 
 make you think as it was easy times with him, tho' a 
 large family, as was well brought up I should say, 
 except the boys, as was that wild, and I've heard say 
 got out of a night throug-h the washus window a-goin' 
 to plays and music halls after prayers, as is very pro- 
 per thing's in their places, not as I hold with crammin' 
 too much down young people's throats, as is apt for 
 
 F 
 
134 
 
 to act deceitful, and all three come to the bad, as 
 broke the poor mother's heart, as some say did used 
 to encourage them boys on the sly unbeknown to the 
 minister, as is a thing- as will come home to every 
 mother as does it." 
 
 I'm sure when I see that old wagabone's bill, as 
 were a yard long, I couldn't make nothin' on it till 
 Brown come in, as says he were a old Scotch cobbler, 
 which if I'd a -know' d I wouldn't have had nothin' to do 
 with him, for I can't a-bear them Scotch thro' not a- 
 holdin' with foreigners of no persuasions, as is all 
 alike, palaver to your face and serpints all the while 
 twistin' round your wery witals as I've read about 
 myself. 
 
 I'm sure there's no more to show for that twelve 
 pounds, as I says to the judge, I says, "My lord," I 
 says, "if you will but step down to my .place," I says. 
 "and judge for yourself as the work is disgraceful, and 
 nothin' finished, and as to that washus shetter, why 
 it's a downright defacement to the back premises, as 
 is laid down in flags, with sixteen shillin's for paintin' 
 that waterbut, as runs disgraceful, a-keepin' the place 
 a constant flood, and not able to cross without pattens." 
 
 But I know'd how it would be when he come in that 
 evenin', decided a little on, a-smilin' treacherous just 
 like them Scotch, and Brown a-losin' of his temper 
 and a-sayin' as he'd precious soon kick him out, as is 
 hurtful to the feelin's, as I should not like myself; not 
 as he did ought for to have summoned me like that, as 
 Brown says,"" Pay the old thief." But I says, " No," 
 I says, " I g'ive the orders, and will see 'em righted 
 if I dies for it," as I nearly did, for of all the stiflin 7 
 places as ever I was in it was that court. 
 
 When I sees that 'oary-'eaded old sinner a-standin' 
 there a-swearin' them falsehoods, it give me that turn 
 that I couldn't keep my temper. So I says to the 
 party as were a-conductin' my case, as he called it, I 
 
135 
 
 says, " Excuse me, Mr. Opkins," as were his name 
 thro' bein' a lawyer, as they called a turney, as I says 
 to the young- man at the court, as says, " Where's 
 your turney?" I says, "Whatever do you mean?" 
 thro' never hearin' tell of them afore, as was only a 
 lawyer after all, but that's the wust of them places, 
 they do talk that rubbish a-purpose for to take you in, 
 I believe. Well, as I was a-sayin', I says to Mr. 
 Opkins, I says, "Excuse me, but that party is a 
 mask of falsehood and deceits, as did ought to be put 
 in the pillery," as well I remembers seem' a indiwid- 
 dle exposed myself, as was hooted and pelted that 
 dreadful, as served him right, not as I remembers 
 what he'd done, but no doubt he was'nt put there for 
 his good behaviour. 
 
 As to that judge, it's my opinion as he wanted for 
 to get home to his tea, for of all the hurry and skurry 
 as he kep' on a-makin' seemed for to confuse every- 
 body, and hearin' of different parties as kep' a-talkin', 
 and as to that laundress havin' to replace them things, 
 I calls it shameful, as she produced the little boy's 
 nightgownd in court as yaller as a guinea, and tore 
 down the front, as I know they will do with their 
 pranks, and says as all the linen was like that as she'd 
 had cut from the back of the cart, as certainly was 
 her own carelessness, but not worth a pound as they 
 put it at, with a sick husband, and to have to pay it 
 weekly presses hard when Saturday comes. 
 
 I see as that judge were a temper thro' havin' of 
 red whiskers, as is in general a sign as you can tell, 
 specially where it spreads to the nose, and the way he 
 spoke to every one it was downright disgraceful, and 
 even a-tellin' old McDawdler for to speak quick, as is 
 impossible thro' that Scotch bein' that drawlin' stuff. 
 
 As to me, bless you, he snapped my nose off every 
 time, as tried for to get in a word edgeways, as the 
 sayin* is. 
 
i 3 6 
 
 What aggrawated me most was my lawyer as set 
 there quiet, and wouldn't tell that old willin as he was 
 a perjed ippercrit, as I kep' a-nudgin' him for to do. 
 
 Well, if this here old Scotch thief didn't up and 
 swear as I'd give him orders for a new safe, whereas 
 all as I said was, " Mr. McDawdler," a-treatin' him 
 respectful, " If you was to put in new zinc sides to the 
 old one, and put it on four legs," thro' it bein' one for 
 to hang up, as I hadn't no place for, " with a new 
 shelf inside and the bottom repaired, and painted fresh 
 all over, why, it would do very well." 
 
 But when I come to see the bill I was struck dumb; 
 and well I remember the time as I give him the order, 
 thro' it's bein' a Toosday and pourin' with rain, and 
 thro' a-seein' him that damp offers him a little sperrits 
 thro' his bein' elderly, as the cold might strike to, and 
 for to turn on me like that, a-sayin' afore the judge and 
 all as I was a-settin' alone a-doin* of my drains, as 
 made 'em all laugh, and put me- up as I couldn't 
 contain myself, as the sayin' is. 
 
 So I ups and says, " My lord." " Set down," says 
 he. 
 
 " I won't," says I, " for I've got a character," I 
 says, " like your own for to lose, and I ain't a-goin' to 
 have my life swore away by that willanous old swind- 
 ler.*' " Hold your tongue," says my lawyer. 
 
 "What," I says, "you turn agin me as I'm pay in* 
 out of my own pocket ! " " Turn that old woman out," 
 says the judge, a-forgettin' hisself gross as roused me 
 up like a lion in King Daniel's den. 
 
 So I says, "You're a wile set of swindlin' thieves," I 
 says, "as is all of a piece. But/' I says, " do your 
 wust, and I've got friends as will show you up." 
 " Come out," says a party. 
 
 "Who are you a-talkin' to ?" says I. "I'll pretty 
 soon show you," says he ; and if he didn't bring in a 
 policeman. 
 
137 
 
 So I says, " My lord," I says, " I'm a lady as is not 
 used to be so treated." I says, " If I've hurt your 
 feelin's," I says, a-bendin' like to him, when, law bless 
 you, I was seized like tigers behind, and tore wiolent 
 out of the place. 
 
 It was all done in a minute like, and out comes that 
 lawyer chap a-scowlin' and says, " It's give agin you, 
 as was your own fault thro' a-behavin' like that." 
 
 " Like what ? " says I. " Why, he says, " insultin' 
 the judge, as it's well for you as it ain't the one as is 
 here in general, or he'd a committed you." 
 
 I says, "I should like to have seen him dare 
 commit anything of the sort;" and if his expenses 
 wasn't over a pound, and really I was more dead than 
 alive, as the sayin' is, and it's lucky as I didn't get 
 robbed, for the place was filled with them low-lived 
 characters as I can't a-bear to be among. 
 
 What put me out was that lawyer's impudence as 
 told me that it was my own fault as the case was lost, 
 a-sayin' as if I'd kep' quiet and spoke proper, as some- 
 thin' would have been took off the bill, as I don't 
 believe a word on, for I see as the judge were a-wotin' 
 for old McDawdler all the time, thro' bein' Scotch 
 hisself, as, I was told arterwards, will always stick 
 together, and what one says the otherll swear to, as 
 can't be right. 
 
 As I told old McDawdler, I says, for I met him as 
 he was a-comin' out of that court a-grinnin' like a 
 Cheshire cat, as the sayin' is, I says, " Ill-gotten gains 
 blows nobody any good, and," I says, "you mark my 
 words, if my money don't bring you sorrow by the 
 ladlefull." 
 
 Little did I think as it was so soon to come true, 
 not as I wished him any harm, not in my heart 
 only felt that wexed at bein' so done, and never 
 should a-thought as he'd a-left the glue-pot a-bilin' in 
 his workshop, as is gross carelessness, with the place 
 
that full of shavin's as burn t in course like tinder, and 
 his little grandchild nearly a-perishin' in the flames, 
 and him at his club, with his wife a-havm' a talk with 
 a neighbour when the flames busted out all over the 
 place. 
 
 So you never don't ketch me a-prophesyin' no mis- 
 fortunes to nobody no more, as might have fell on a 
 innocent head, as was rescued by the fireman a- 
 hearin' of its screams, tho' as to that old McDawdler, 
 they do say as he set the place a-fire hisself, as the 
 parties where he w r as insured could a-proved in court, 
 as he never dared to show his face thro' them judges 
 a-knowin' no doubt, thro' the way he'd served me, as 
 he was one as would swear anything, and went 
 round for a subscription, a-sayin' as he'd lost all his 
 tools, as I'm sure was perfect useless, for of all the 
 botchers as ever you see. But Brown he says as it's 
 all my fault a-follerin' the man about a-orderin' things, 
 and I'm sure if you don't stand over them nothin' ain't 
 done ; so whatever are you to do? for if they don't rob 
 you one way they will another. 
 
 ^ 
 
No. 23. 
 
 Phi. gjwfoB on feg J^ftrte, 
 
 'M sure it's a wonder as Fm alive to tell 
 the tale, that it is, and I do think as to 
 Mrs. Giddins she must have a charmed life, 
 as the sayin' is, as a cat's is nothin' to, for I see her a 
 mask of flames myself a screamin' in her pattens with 
 them things a blazin' all around, and if it hadn't been 
 as I throw' d a pail of hot suds all over her, ashes she 
 must have been. And to think as it was all thro' them 
 boys a-darin' for to make a bonfire in that field at the 
 back as Mr. Walker encouraged 'em in, thro' keep- 
 in' of a school with a tar barrel rolled all along the 
 road by them roughs, as it's a mercy no horses wasn't 
 frightened, as well I remember 'appened in the Bow- 
 road one time as was nearly my death, thro' the fright 
 as I got a-meetin' them boys with those masks and 
 lettin' off a cracker lighted under me, and never left 
 my room again till our Lucy was six w T eeks old. But 
 it so fell out as it come on a Sunday and was kep' of 
 a Monday, as is ridiculous altogether, as I says to 
 Mr. Walker as keeps the school, as called about the 
 accident. I says, " Whatever is the use of teachin' a 
 lot of boys for to insult other parties as tho' Irish is 
 their elders and I'm sure as their feelin's like flesh and 
 blood." " Oh," says he, " down with the Pope." 
 
 I says, " certingly if he have done what is wrong as 
 can be proved, let him be punished, but not," I says, 
 
140 
 
 "with squibs and crackers, a-frightenm' parties to 
 death and don't do him no harm, a-livin' over there. 
 But," I says, "the Pope wont pay me for them things 
 as is consumed," I says, " and you must." 
 
 Well he up and talked a-deal of rubbish, a-sayin' as 
 I didn't ought to have washed on the fifth of Novem- 
 ber, as I says, " Excuse me it were the sixth, and I'm 
 not a~goin' for to go beyond a month for all your Guy 
 Foxes as ever lived, but," I says, " the way as they're 
 hunted down after death is disgraceful/' He says, 
 "It's a glorious anadversity.' , 
 
 I says, " That's what might happen to any one, and 
 didn't ought to be throwed in their teeth," as that 
 cracker was in mine just a-openin' of the garden door 
 for to tell them boys to be careful how they throwed 
 their squibs about my linen, as they kep' a-lettin' 'em 
 off long afore it was dark. I says, " Mrs. Giddixs, 
 p'raps it will be as well for to have that large sheet 
 in," I says, "and dry it by the fire, as the clothes- 
 horse will bear." 
 
 So she steps out for to get it and gethers it up in 
 her arms, when if a squib didn't come, full but, on to 
 her, sheet and all, she unawares thro' being partly 
 covered in it. I opens the washus door for her, and 
 there she was like a fiery apparition, and but for the 
 copper bein' that handy I never should have put her 
 out in this world, and it's a mercy as the water was 
 not a-bilin' or I should have scalded her to death a- 
 tryin' to save her from a fiery grave, as the sayin' is ; 
 and as it was her cap was burnt to her head, and her 
 eyebrows that scarified as I didn't hardly know her. 
 
 As luck would have it Brown had just come in, and 
 hcarin' the noise opened the washus door just as my 
 cap took fire, as he very nigh strangled me a-tearin* 
 off, and throwed with my hair and all, bang into the 
 wash tub, as will never curl up no more to look decent 
 in. 
 
141 
 
 Of all the agony as ever I felt it was Mrs. Giddins 
 a-standin' with all her weight on my foot with her 
 pattens on, as I thought she'd cut clean in half, thro' 
 givin' a stamp that wiolent in her terrors as was 
 nat'ral in fire, as I'm sure I feel myself, and even dumb 
 cre'ters can't face, as well I remembers all the horses 
 bein' burnt in the brewery at Stratford, as their 
 screams was heart rendering as nothing wouldn't 
 induce for to face the flames thro' a-smellm' it even 
 with their heads in sacks; and the engines a-playin' 
 all the time, tho' I'm sure one of them streams of 
 water would be as bad to me as the fire, thro' a- 
 comin' with that force for to knock any one down, as 
 happened to a aunt of mine a-passin' down thro' 
 Westminster when they was only a-practisin' and not 
 meanin' no harm, but she come sudden round the 
 corner for to get it right in her chest as rolled her 
 over and over with her ancle sprained and her elbow 
 put out, as walked lame to her dyin' day. 
 
 As to them fire escapes they certainly are wonderful, 
 tho' for my part I'd as soon slide down a factory 
 chimbly as they looks like, tho' I've heard say as the 
 firemen is wonderful a-grapplin' with you at the 
 bottom, as saved old Mr. Ardin as kep' the " Risln' 
 Sun " with a clump foot, as was a hard drinkin' man, 
 and the cause of the fire thro' a-puttin' the candle 
 under the bed ; and must have perished with the doer 
 locked but for them firemen as bust into the window 
 and a-graspin' on him by his clump as he'd gone to 
 bed in unawares, and pitched him head-first down 
 thro' the escape, and was saved at the bottom by the 
 man as was a-waitin' for him in a leather bucket of 
 cold water, as cured his drinkin' for he put his other 
 hip out and was a helpless cripple, and Mrs. Ardin" 
 nussed him, and never would allow him more than 
 three glasses of sperrits and water of a night to his 
 dyin' day, and being retired from the public line, as 
 
142 
 
 that fire took 'em out of, he didn't get the chance on, 
 tho' never in my opinion a-payin' business thro' old 
 Ardin havin' lots a-friends as stepped in for to take a 
 drain, as the sayin' is ; and being insured heavy come 
 out with a independence, and her a-havin' a-somethin' 
 of her own. 
 
 If you'd seen my garden the next morning and the 
 field as them boys had had their fireworks in, you'd 
 have said as there'd been a fiery snow storm, and th© 
 grass all burnt in a black ring where the bonfire was. 
 I never slept a wink all night for thinking as fire 
 might break out, and Brown had burnt his hand with 
 my cap, as raw potato scraped give him ease. 
 
 Poor Mrs. Giddins, she went home more dead nor 
 alive, tho' she did have her supper and a good 
 allowance hot for to keep up her spirits as had 
 received a great shock, but she come the next day all 
 right, and Brown's burn wasn't much, so we had 
 reason to be thankful except for the sheet as was 
 cinders and a large hole in the counterpane as is my 
 best, things as I did ought to have had washed up 
 before, only thro' moving w r as throwed out everyway. 
 
 But when that schoolmaster come in, as is a white- 
 faced soapy-looking chap in a white stock, as I'm told 
 is a tyrant to the boys, and says as he wishes to act 
 becomin' a Christian, tho' accidents will 'appen in the 
 best of families, as is a excuse I've heard give for 
 goings on as I don't hold with, I says to him, I says, 
 "Them boys of yourn did it a purpose for to aggrawate 
 me, for I spoke to 'em over the wall twice a-standing 
 on them short steps as I hangs out with, and one on 
 'em shied a empty squib at me and encouraged the 
 others tor to call me a reglar old guy, and certainly 
 I did forget as I had my night-cap on with a hand- 
 kercher tied over it, as was the reason of their jeers." 
 
 What I do not hold with is that schoolmaster's ways, 
 as is mean, for I w T ill make him pay Mrs. Giddins for 
 the fright if I gets nothin' for that sheet. 
 
143 
 
 He come a deal of palaver as don't go down with 
 me nor Brown neither, for he was come in first afore 
 the schoolmaster and pretty soon settled his rubbish 
 about the Pope, for he says, " You leave him alone 
 and he won't interfere with you/' Says the school- 
 master, "He will." 
 
 I says " Go on with your rubbish ; however can 
 he?" "Why," he says, "he'll undermine the 
 constitution." 
 
 " Well," I says, " you don't look delicate, but if you 
 was to ask my opinion you only wants plenty of 
 exercise for to keep you in health, and not to eat too 
 much," — havin' heard say thro' Mrs. Giddins, as he 
 v/as a hog- to eat, and special them hot suppers when 
 the boys was a-bed, and a-sendin' the husher in bread- 
 and-cheese to the schoolroom. 
 
 Well he talked a good deal of rubbish, and at last 
 he pulls out a couple of shillin's and says, " I think this 
 will be quite sufficient for the washerwoman," and he 
 says, " anything in reason I'll pay for your linen, my 
 good woman." 
 
 So I says " My good man, you'll please for to pay 
 five-and-twenty shillin's for my quilt as is as good as 
 new, and the first time of washin' as cost thirty, and 
 that large linen sheet fifteen shillin's won't replace as 
 I can prove to you by the fellow as is down stairs, 
 and half a yard shorter thro' bein' the bottom one." 
 "Well then," he says, " p'raps I'd better speak to my 
 solicitor." 
 
 I says, " Speak to any one you pleases, but I tell 
 you what it is, if you give me any of your airs and 
 rubbish I'll pretty soon summons your boys for lettin' 
 off fireworks in the public ways, and, " I says, " two 
 shillin's for that poor woman, as would hardly replace 
 her cap, let alone the fright won't never do." 
 
 So out he walks, very grand and protrudin' all 
 down the steps without sayin' good evenin' ; but his 
 
144 
 
 good lady come in early next day and made it all 
 square, as the say in' is, being a party as is sharp, tho' 
 I soon found out as they was going to make the boys 
 pay for the damage out of their weekly pocket money, 
 as is a mean action, but jest like them schoolmasters, 
 as I've knowed myself charge seven shiilin's for shoe 
 strings. 
 
 But all I've got to say is as no doubt Guy Fox was 
 very wrong in tryirf for to let them fireworks off 
 under Parliament, and as to his blowin' up the royal 
 family, why it's out of all reason. But why other 
 parties should be set in flames every year in remem- 
 brance on him I can't think, as was a good-for-nothin' 
 wagabone as the sooner he's forgot the better. 
 
No. 24. // 
 
 Ife ^rafoit an Jfuntis|m0, 
 
 says, "Brown, do as you please," forknowin' 
 what a worret he is, and one of those pecu- 
 lent dispositions, I thought it was as well as 
 he should go hisself, and so he did; but when he 
 come home and said as he'd gone in for a rosewood 
 sweet at twenty-two guineas, all I says was " Rub- 
 bish !" 
 
 And true my words was proved as ever the sun set 
 upon, for of all the things as that Tottingem-court- 
 road can produce I never see the like. 
 
 When they was brought in, my heart misgive me 
 for them men's feet, as I know'd must be filthy. So I 
 says, " Bring 'em as far as the parlour-door, for bein' 
 on castors me and Sarah can wheel 'em in easy." So 
 we did, but, law bless you, them white cheney castors 
 was that brittle as to crumble like ashes on the lips, 
 as the sayin' is. 
 
 So I says to the young man, I says, "Them castors 
 must be took off and proper ones put," as promised 
 me faithful should be done the next day followin', as 
 it's now more than a fortnight, and me never to set a 
 eye on, as is a young man that conspicuous with coal- 
 black whiskers and a squint as made your eyes water 
 for to look at. 
 
 "Well we got the things in, as looked very well on 
 my new carpet, as covers both rooms thro' bein' a 
 
146 
 
 large pattern of roses in bunches, with rugs of a New- 
 foundland and a sleepin' lion, as is Brown's taste ; not 
 as I held with furniture thro' its bein' green, as is 
 unlucky colour, for well I remembers Mrs. Whiteside, 
 as lived near Horselydown, a-havin on it and her 
 husband thro' the court in no time, and obliged for to 
 go back to her father, as was a bed-ridden man with 
 twins. 
 
 Brown he would have green, and if he didn't go 
 and buy curtains with yellow fringe, as was a different 
 shade from the furniture, as was covered in rip, and 
 rip it proved, for I never see such stuff to tear, and 
 them is rips as sells it. 
 
 Certainly they was beautiful chimley-glasses, as 
 come to ten guineas thro' takin' a pair, and the young 
 man put up the front room one, a-takin' off his shoes, 
 as proved he'd a tidy wife, for I never see stockings 
 more darned nor neater, but thro' not havin' long nails 
 wasn't able for to fix the back room as he stood agin 
 the wall, and just as things was pretty straight who 
 should come in but Mrs. Brodlins, as is own sister to 
 Mrs. Yardley, and her figure all over thro 7 them 
 a-takin' after the mother's side as was that lusty as 
 brought on palpitations, as took her sudden, as the 
 sayin' is. 
 
 Glad I was to see her, for I don't believe there is a 
 fairer-hearted woman out as would give you her last 
 crust, which some begrudges. So I says, " Take a 
 setting Mrs. Brodlins, mum, on my new sofy, as nobody 
 ain't more welcome." 
 
 Down she sets, and I heard a crunch like, as was the 
 back leg give way, up goes her 'eels, down goes her 
 'ead with a hollar crash. I goes for to save her, and 
 if she didn't pull me right on to her, as was more than 
 that sofy could bear up agin, and away it went 
 back'ards altogether, and I do believe as we should 
 be in that comer to this very hour if Sarah hadn't 
 
H7 
 
 called back the men as had brought the things, as 
 managed to pull us up. 
 
 Certainly I don't see as there was any think to laugh 
 at, as I told Sarah pretty plain, and them men to, as 
 was a-makin'free in their remarks about 'eavy weights. 
 
 As to them easy chairs, they was a mockery, avS 
 gave way with Brown the second time as ever he set 
 on it, and one of them six dra win' -room chairs, as was 
 very bowed about the legs, I was a-settin' on it 
 givin' of Sarah a character to a lady, as is goin' to 
 better herself, as I don't see it myself with nine in 
 family, and all the washin' done at home. I was a- 
 sayin' as she was a willin' gal to that lady, tho' 
 required lookin' after, when with no more warnin' than 
 nothin' if that chair didn't fly to bits like splinter bars 
 under me ; there wasn't a bit bigger than my hand, 
 and as to stuffed with horsehair, why it was haybands, 
 as no doubt is the case all round. 
 
 Brown he says to me, " You're always a-growlin' 
 and a-howlin'," as if castors was trifles as come off 
 everything. So he brings some home for to put 'em 
 on hisself, but, law bless you, the wood wouldn't 
 hold the screws as he got, so he had for to take 'em 
 all off, as has made that sofy scrape my carpet raw. 
 
 Brown he wouldn't hear a word agin the things, 
 and had the man in for to mend the leg of the sofy, 
 as he said wasn't never intended for to bear two 
 hipplepotumuses, illudin', in course, to Mrs. Brodlins 
 and me, as brought on words thro' me a-sayin' as it 
 wasn't a epitaph for to apply to a lady. 
 
 And glad I was for to see it come home to him 
 thro' his own aunt, as is a elderly party, and that 'ard 
 of 'earin' as she says thro' a-sleepin' with a crack of 
 the window open as come close agin her tester ; but I 
 say rubbish, for it's my opinion as seventy-eight 
 is about the size on it, as she must be if she's a 
 hour thro' my own dear mother bein' only two 
 
148 
 
 years' difference, as never see but three-score and 
 six. 
 
 Well, the old lady she'd come to tea, and precious 
 cranky too, and made remarks about the 'ouse as I 
 didn't care for. So I says, "Mrs. Carding, mum, is 
 your tea agreeable ? " but law, I might as well a-spoke 
 to Aldgate Pump, for she only says, " It must be gone 
 six," which it were not, and her temper ruffled thro" 
 me not a-teain' at five punctual, as I should have 
 done if the gal, thro' bein' a stranger, hadn't forgot 
 the kittle. 
 
 Well, the old lady she'd got her mouth full of 
 muffins, a-go:n' to take a cup of tea, when a somethin' 
 give w r ay in that sofy, and shot her up like a cork 
 from a bottle. I never see such a thing. If I didn't 
 think she'd gone sudden mad when I see the cup and 
 saucer fly up, and her give a jump ever so high, 
 a-sendin' the tea all over the place, and her a-gulpin ? 
 at that muffin as wouldn't go up nor down. 
 
 Cough, I believe she did cough, till I thought as 
 strangulation was to be her end; and when she 
 drawed her breath agin she did set to and abuse 
 everything, and made Brown cut the sofy open to 
 prove as it wasn't no trick as we'd been and played, 
 as was proved thro' it's bein' a spring as had got 
 broke, thro' that Sarah, I do believe, a-standin' on 
 that sofy for to pull back the curtain, as got hitched 
 the very day before as she was a-cleanin' up afore 
 leaving as was always too flyaway a gal for me. 
 
 It was well as we proved to the old lady as it was 
 the works as had give way, or I don't believe as she'd 
 ever have spoke to us agin, for she thought as it was 
 fireworks under her, as has a pretty income. Not as 
 I cares for her money, tho' she can't take it with her, 
 and not a soul but Brown for to leave it to. But she 
 come round agin with a drop of something in her tea 
 for to settle her nerves, as was shook to fiddlestrings I 
 
149 
 
 could see, and had give me a nasty all-overish turn as 
 made me feel all of a chill, as something- hot is the 
 only thing as will check. 
 
 I was that put out with them things, for the weneer 
 on the claw-table had bulg*ed up like a human blister, 
 that I says " I'm a-goin' for to see Mrs. Brodlins, as 
 lives in Marrybone, and if I don't give that furniture 
 man a bit of my mind my name ain't Martha.' ' So 
 I goes by the 'bus from Kennington, as put me down 
 close by Mrs. Brodlins', where she appointed for to 
 meet me, and as she was a-goin' shoppin' accordin' to 
 agreement. 
 
 We walks along Oxford-street, and after a -looking 
 at the shops I asks her if she'd mind a-steppin' as far 
 as Tottingem-ccurt-road, and as soon as we got there 
 I see the shop as I remembered the name on immediate, 
 and there was a man and a woman a-standin' outside, 
 with walnut sweets in the winder. The man he says 
 to me, " What £an I show you to-day ? " 
 
 "Well," I says, "I wish as you'd show me some 
 furniture, and not the rubbish as you've sent home to 
 me, as is a mass of fragments, and a downright 
 disgrace for any one to look at, leave alone to set 
 upon." So he stares, and up comes the woman a-askin* 
 what I was a-saying. 
 
 So I says, " I can speak agin, tho* pr'aps you 
 mayn't care to hear it, as is a gang of swindlers." 
 * What are you a-talkin' about ? " says she. 
 
 "Your furniture," says I, " as is ketchpenny rubbish 
 as you sent to South Lambeth without a castor as 
 didn't scrunch under your own weight." So she says, 
 "You did ought to have cast-iron to bear you; but," 
 she says, " I scorn your words, for I never sent you no 
 furniture, and never see you before," and turns round. 
 
 I says, " You'll deny your own name, I suppose." 
 So the fellow as was dustin' with a feather broom he 
 says, " Now step along, if you please, and don't be 
 kickin' up no row here." 
 
' ISO 
 
 I says, a You take back your rubbish, and give me 
 back my money." 
 
 He says, " Who's got your money ? " 
 
 I says, "You ! for," I says, " I've g*ot the card/' as 
 I was a long- time a-g-ettin' out thro' my pocket bein' 
 that deep ; "but," I says, " here it is, deny that if you 
 can." So he says, "That's not my card;" and if I 
 hadn't been and made a mistake about the name, as 
 it was the wrong- shop, and I don't know what would 
 have happened, only Mrs. Brodlins she ketched 'old on 
 me and pulled me on quick, and that man and woman 
 hollared after me as I must be mad or drunk, and 
 hooted at us, and I do believe if we hadn't took a cab 
 as we should have been mobbed. 
 
 And next time as Brov/n makes a bad barg-ain he 
 may get out of it hisself, for the way as he abused me 
 for interferin' was downright outrag-eous, and all I g*ot 
 to say is no more of your sweets for me, but steady- 
 made furniture as will bear the 'uman form. 
 
 St 
 
No. 25. 
 
 I EEN in bed ? I should think I had been, three 
 whole days, all thro' goin' to see it, as Mrs. 
 Edwards persuaded me to, for says she to me, 
 n Mrs. Brown, mum, it can't be, they never would 
 allow it." Says I, " Why not ?" 
 
 "Well," says she, "they may; but it don't seem 
 natural for to have a Jew for Lord Mayor, as I've 
 seed him myself a -goin' to church, gold chain and all, 
 as they'd never trust him with." 
 
 So Brown he come in just then, and I says to him, 
 "You're the party for to settle it; here's Mrs. Edwards 
 a-goin' on like a downright fiery bigget about a Jew 
 bein' Lord Mayor." "Well," says Brown, "I dare 
 say he's just as good a Christian as many as sets 
 there ; besides, he ain't the fust as has proved a Jew, 
 and one on 'em was a Catholic" " Well," she says, 
 " I never did." 
 
 I says, " It's all very well for him bein' a Jew, as is 
 his business, but as to his goin' to church it's down- 
 right ridiculous ; he must set there a-laughin' in his 
 sleeves, as is unbecomin' in any one in a place of 
 woship, 'cos I knows as Jews don't hold with goin' to 
 church, as well I remembers a lady as was that way 
 a-tellin' a party as I was a-nussin' as they never did." 
 Brown says, " Well, if I was a Jew I shouldn't go to 
 
152 
 
 church ; for I should say plump and plain as it wasn't 
 my ways, as is only a form after all." 
 
 " Well, 5 ' I says, " them forms is very proper, but 
 not for Jews, as don't hold .with them, as I'm sure is 
 very strict in their ways, as I've knowed them as 
 would have starved afore they'd have touched a bit of 
 pork, tho' certainly their fried fish is beautiful, and I 
 never did taste such rum shrub like what they drinks 
 on their fast days, as is kind-hearted people." So 
 Mrs. Edwards she says, " If any one but you had told 
 me such a thing I would not have believed it. A Jew 
 for Lord Mayor ! They'll be havin' him for a bishop 
 next." Brown he says, " Why not ? " thro' not a- 
 holdin' with bishops. _ 
 
 But I says, " Brown, you're a-talkin' foolish, as 
 don't become your time of life." Mrs. Edwards a- 
 see'n me a-gettin' warm says, " Well," says she, " I 
 won't believe it till I see it, and see it I will, and will 
 you go, as there is a first floor open to. you in Fleet- 
 street ?" 
 
 " Well," I says, " it's chilly weather for the open 
 air." Says she, "We can have the window shut nearly 
 all the time." 
 
 So I said as I'd go, thro' the weather bein' mild for 
 November, tho' it's not a month as I cares to take 
 cold in, for it lays hold on you with a cough as I've 
 know'd last till May, as horehound won't pacify nor 
 squills allay, as is only things as upsets the stomach, 
 and makes one feel frequent nauseous. It was all 
 very well a-goin' to Fleet-street when we was livin' 
 at the East-end, but now as we're out in Lambeth it's 
 out of the way, tho' it is but a step to the Woxhall 
 Station, where I gets the train to Waterloo. Brown 
 he says, " You have a cab, or you'll come to grief in 
 the crowd." I says, "I'm a-goin' with Mrs. Edwards, 
 as knows her way about." 
 
 We got comfortable to the train thro' it bein' fine 
 
153 
 
 over head, and was whisked into Waterloo pretty 
 sharp. 
 
 I was jammed frightful once or twice a-gettin' over 
 the bridge, as was that crowded with them rough 
 characters, as kep' a-treadin' on my gown and then 
 usin' of low-lived langwidge, as is revoltin' agin a lady's 
 ear ; and if it hadn't been for the police I don't think 
 as ever I could a-got thro'. Mrs. Edwards she's a 
 skin and grief figger, as could squeeze everywhere, 
 like a weazel in a hen-roost, as the sayin' is, and soon 
 got ahead of me. 
 
 A very nice young woman she came up to me and 
 says, " Oh, mum, if you please, which ever is my way 
 to Westminster, as am goin' after a situation, and 
 'ave got lost in the crowd ?" "Westminster," I says, 
 "is close by where I've come from; but," I says, 
 " direct you I can't." 
 
 So she says, " Would you mind me a-walkin' by 
 your side, as would be a protection, for I ain't used to 
 them crowds ? " 
 
 A lot of fellows came a-jostlin* agin us, and that 
 young woman she clung that tight to my arm as I 
 couldn't move, as was natural for her not to like them 
 young men's rough ways. When we was got clear 
 of them she says, "'Ave you lost anything?" " No," 
 I says; for I'd only got my umbrella. She says, 
 " They've turned my pockets out." 
 
 I says, " 'Old my umbrella while I feels for my 
 puss ; " but, bless you, my pocket, as is a stout 
 nankeen, was emptied, not as I'd much in it, as was 
 lucky, and shouldn't have minded so much if they 
 hadn't took my silver thimble with a steel top, as is 
 the best as ever I worked with. Well, back comes 
 Mrs. Edwards a-sayin', " Why don't you come on ? " 
 So I says, "I've been robbed." "Law! " she says, 
 " you don't say so ! " I says, " I do, and so is this 
 young woman," as I turned for to speak to, but she 
 
154 
 
 was gone, as was an 'ussy in my opinion, and smelt 
 of sperrits that early, as don't look well. 
 
 However I got through the crowd is a puzzle to me, 
 with all the gethers reg'lar tore out of my alpaca, as 
 is lined thro', with a warm shawl on, as was as much 
 as I could bear thro* bein' one as heats up all of a 
 minute. Well, we was close by the house, as is a 
 comer, and there was a crowd all up to the door. So 
 says Mrs. Edwards, "Be so good as to make way," 
 quite civil, but of all the jeerin' wagabones it was that 
 crowd. One says, " Oh, here's the Lady Mayoress as 
 stops the way; " and another says, " Make room for 
 Sairey Gakp and Betsy Prigg, as is w T anted particular.' ' 
 When we got in the young woman was very short, 
 and said as the house were that full, but Mrs. Edwards 
 kep' a-sayin', "Come on." So up we goes that 
 rapid as made my breath uncommon short, and if it 
 hadn't been for the landin's as I rested on, I don't 
 think as ever I should have got up. Of all the dark 
 staircases as ever I was on it was the darkest, and 
 that narrow as meetin* parties comin' down was 
 squeezy work. 
 
 " Bless your windows ! " says I to Mrs. Edwards, 
 " wherever are they ? " as the room was chuckfull, and 
 every room as w r e opened parties says, " Up higher." 
 Up we goes till I says, " Well," I says, " Mrs. Edwards, 
 higher we can't go unless it is the roof." A young 
 chap as was a-comin' up says, " That's the best place." 
 
 " What," I says, " thro' the cock-loft door." I says, 
 "Never." Mrs. Edwards she says, "Oh, it will be 
 beautiful, you'll see the procession a-comin and a- 
 goin'." 
 
 So through she gets, and she give me her hand, and 
 begun a-pullin' that violent as I says, " Excuse me, 
 but my sleeve is crackin' under the arm, and I'd rather 
 manage for myself," as I did thro' a-takin' off my shawl 
 and a-strugglin' up to that trap-doer, as is what I 
 
155 
 
 might come to some day thro' it's bein' a fire-escape, 
 as I don't believe no family ever could get through in 
 time. When I was g'ot out there we was on the roof, 
 with nothin' but the gutters for to stand in, except the 
 hedge of the parapitch, as that young* chap would 
 walk along, as made me all of a creep thro' terrors, a- 
 knowin' well as there wasn't nothin' between him 
 and distraction, as the noise down below was down- 
 right scarify in'. So I says, " Whatever you do hold 
 tight," I says, "for I know'd a party as fell thro' a 
 skylight a-doin' this very thing, and if he hadn't pitched 
 on his head into a tailor's workshop, as was able to 
 catch him in their outstretched arms thro' a-settin' aH 
 round at work, he'd have been broke to bits." 
 
 It was all very fine to talk about Lord Mayor s 
 Show, but, law bless you, I couldn't see nothin' of it 
 thro' that parapitch bein' just on a level with my eyes, 
 and as to climbin' up them tiles I says, " Not if I knows 
 it." Well, Mrs. Edwards she'd scrambled up, and 
 was a-standin' holdin' on to a stack of chimblies, a- 
 say in' as she see beautiful, and as for me I was a- 
 ihinkin' however I should g*et thro' that cock-loft agin' 
 with the blacks a-comin' down in showers, when a 
 red-faced party puts his head out at that trap-door, 
 and says, " What are you a-doin' up here ? " I says, 
 "Sir, I'm Mrs. Edwards' friend, as were brought here 
 by that lady as is a-clingin' to the chimbly." 
 
 I wouldn't repeat the words as that red-faced party 
 used, not upon no account; but I hollors to Mrs. 
 Edwards, but, bless you, she was a-wavin' of her 
 handkerchief like mad as the procession was a-comin' 
 along, and didn't hear me. So the red-faced man he 
 shouts to her, " You come off my tiles, as will be 
 broke to bits, or else," he says, "I'll have the police." 
 I says, "I'm not on your tiles, and if I was," I says, 
 " You dare moslest me at your peril, as might be any 
 one's death a-terrifyin' like this." He says, "Come out." 
 
156 
 
 Well, Mrs. Edwards she come along-, and didn't that 
 man go on, and beg-un a-blowin' up the young- chap, as 
 was his 'prentice, as turned on us a-sayin' we said we 
 was friends, as is a thing- as never crossed my lips, 
 and if we hadn't come to the wrong house thro' Mrs. 
 Edwards mistakin' the corner. If there is a thing as 
 I can't a-bear it's to look foolish ; but certainly that 
 red-faced man needn't have give way to that lanwidge 
 as he did. So I says, " Please for to recollect as you 
 are addressin' of ladies," " Ladies," says he, '''pretty 
 sort of ladies, prowlin' about and comin' into houses, 
 there's lots of such about to-day." He says, " I shan't 
 let you go till I've searched you." " What ! " I says, 
 "you search me? I- should like to see you dare to 
 it." I says, " Let me out." He says, " Come in." I 
 says, " That's what I want to." I was in that fluster 
 a-gettin' in at that trap thro' bein' hurried, that I 
 missed the step as I did ought to have put my foot 
 on, and in I went all of a slip like, and it's a mercy as 
 the trap-door were that narrow as it caught me under 
 the arms, or I might have been killed, but thro' a- 
 comin' that sudden I ketched the red-faced man a 
 kick in the pit of his stomach as reg'lar doubled him 
 up. He sat a-howlin' on the landin' but, law bless 
 you, I never stopped to look at him, for I'd got the 
 start down them stairs, and away I went to the street- 
 door, as was open, and I hurries out. 
 
 The crowd was a-breakin' up, and I w r as that 
 flurried, so I asks a policeman what I'd best do with 
 no money and a-famishin' for something. As to Mrs. 
 Edwards I couldn't see her nowhere. I says, " Get 
 me a cab." Says the policeman, " There ain't no 
 cabs allowed." And no more there wasn't, and if I 
 wasn't oblidged to walk all the way to near Waterloo- 
 bridge with not a halfpenny to pay the toll, and had 
 to leave my 'ankercher, and got a cab home at last 
 
 Mrs. Edwards she come the next day for to tell me 
 
157 
 
 as she fell in with friends on the first floor, and spent 
 a pleasant evenin', with tea and supper, to say nothing 
 of lunch, and blamed my bein' in that hurry ; but she's 
 a mean-minded woman for to have broke bread in 
 that house after them insults ; but as to Lord Mayor's 
 Show, it's a downright nuisance, and give me that 
 cold as I've been in bed three days, and it's my opinion 
 it did ought to be put down. 
 
No. 26. 
 
 $$*»♦ ^xakm gets a %xmmz. 
 
 F she's only half so good as her character 
 as the lady give me, she will be a servant, 
 as certainly was a quiet, genteel woman, 
 a-livin' in the Old Kent-road, and never did I see 
 door-steps better cleaned, nor a house neater with the 
 parlours small, as looked cheerless through fancy 
 papers in the grate, where I should have had a bit of 
 fire. 
 
 I don't think I ever see so many picters of ministers 
 tog'ether in my life in one room, as turned out as 
 she'd known a-many, and was constant at the large 
 chapel by the Elephant and Castle; not as I cares for 
 them places myself, as I considers much the same as 
 theayters for a Sunday evenin'. 
 
 I'm sure the way as she spoke for that young 
 woman with a tearful eye quite made me take to her. 
 But of all the creatures as ever I got under my roof it 
 was that young woman as the lady said would prove 
 a treasure. 
 
 Up in the mornin' she never was till I'd tore the bell 
 down, and obliged for to take in the milk myself over 
 and over agin, and in her bed, leastways ought to 
 have been, by ten every night. 
 
 She come into my place with nothin' but what she 
 stood up and in a blue bandbox tied up in a white 'an- 
 kercher, a-sayin' as her box would foller, and so it did, 
 as was empty I could see through the man a-liftin' of it 
 
159 
 
 easy over the gate and her a takin' it, a-thinkm* I 
 didn't see through its comin' at dark, but I ain't got 
 my eyes for nothin' with a gas-lamp in front of our 
 door. 
 
 She says to me on the Monday follerin' as she come 
 on the Saturday, " If you wouldn't mind lettin' me 
 'ave half-a-sovereign, as would enable me for to 
 get a bit of long cloth and some stockin's," as I did 
 not withhold through a-knowin' what it is to be short 
 myself. 
 
 I don't believe as she laid out a penny on it on things 
 as is useful, for I ketched her a-dryin' on her stockin's 
 at the kitchen fire, as she was a-settin' without over 
 her supper beer, as I allows her half-a-pint, and in 
 my opinion quite enough too. 
 
 Eight pounds a year was her wages, and our tea- 
 pot, as I always makes gcod, and never one to take 
 more than two cups and Brown three as relishes his 
 tea to the last, and won't stand no water-be-witched, 
 as the sayin' is. 
 
 As to cookin' that young woman know'd no more 
 than a acrobat as tumbles in the streets, for if she 
 didn't put the potatoes on as she was a-washin' up the 
 breakfast things, and let 'em boil to starch, as I see 
 with my own eyes. 
 
 But what put me out was her pretendin' to know 
 everything and not likin' to be spoke to; not as I cared 
 much about the cookin' through the week, for Brown 
 was only home to his supper, as I looked to myself, 
 but on the Sunday week follerin' Brown's aunt was a~ 
 comin' to dinner and Mr. and Mrs. Brodlins. So I'd 
 got a nice piece of loin of weal and a Bath chap, with 
 some brussels-sprouts and potatoes, with a bread-and- 
 butter puddin' and a apple tart. 
 
 In course I didn't leave the pastry to her, as I don't 
 hold with any one as does dirty work a-makin' pies 
 and puddin's for me, well knowin' as they'll have a 
 
i6o 
 
 hot, heavy hand even if it should be a clean one, as 
 isn't over likely. So I sends the tart to the baker's, 
 and it's a mercy I did, for if that gal didn't go and 
 put that bread-and-butter puddin' up in the oven and 
 forget all about it, and when it come out it was for 
 all the world like a roasted hare for colour, and then 
 she ups and says to my face, "Well, you said as you 
 liked it well browned." 
 
 I says to her, " Whatever you do soak that chap 
 well, and don't let it boil hard ; " but she must have let 
 it gallop, for when it come to table no human knife 
 couldn't make no way into it. 
 
 As to the w r eal it was raw, though I'd been poisoned 
 all the mornin' with the smell of it a-burnin', and coals 
 in the drippin'-pan a-flarin', and me only able to call 
 to her over the stairs, through not likin' to leave Brown's 
 aunt, as had come that early as to take up all my 
 time, and if that gal didn't say as she know'd her 
 work, quite short. 
 
 As to the dinner, however I got through it I don't 
 know, for if she hadn't been and cut away all the fat 
 and kidney from the weal, and told me as she'd always 
 seen it drawed, as she called it, me a-findin' out as 
 she'd put it in her grease-pot unbeknown, as she kep' 
 on the sly through me a-tellin' her as they was things 
 as I won't have in my house. 
 
 It's a mercy as I had a bit of loin of mutton in the 
 house, and went dow r n and cooked chops myself, as 
 was sent up hot and hot ; and Brown was able to cut 
 enough weal for his aunt, as kep' a-grumblin' all the 
 time at losin' of the kidneys. 
 
 Well, that gal she said as she wouldn't miss her 
 chapel was it ever so, as she always kep' to of a 
 Sunday evenin' ; and I says, " Very well, Mary Ann, 
 go and welcome ; but," I says, " I think as you might 
 find a place of worship nearer nor the Elephant and 
 Castle." But I lets her go, as Mrs. Giddins was able 
 
i6i 
 
 for to come in to clear away the tea, and help me for 
 to mince up the weal for a bit of supper ; for I don't 
 hold as a mutton chop round is much for a Sunday s 
 dinner. 
 
 Well, we got through the supper well, with a bit of 
 toasted cheese to make up. Glad I was when they 
 was gone, and Mrs. Giddins says, " It's gone ten, and 
 would you want anything more ? •' I says, " Ain't that 
 young woman come in ? " 
 
 " No," says she. "Well," I says, " don't you wait," 
 I says, " but them hours won't suit me." 
 
 We was got up to bed when I heard her ring. So 
 Brown he says, " I'll let her in ;don"t say nothin' to- 
 night." So he did, and come up a-sayin' as she'd 
 met her brother, and lost her way a-comin' home, and 
 all as I says is " Rubbish ! " 
 
 I was not a-sleepin' over well, for my heart misgive 
 me about that young woman over-sleepin' herself, and 
 knowin' as Mrs. Giddins would be six to the minute, 
 as any one would be with a hard day's wash a-starin* 
 them in the face, and I heard the clock at the distillery 
 strike twelve when I was a-droppin' off, and of all the 
 smells of burnin' I never did. So I jumps up and says, 
 * Brown, we're a-bein' burnt in our beds," as only 
 replies " Bother " throug-h his snores, but I opens the 
 door and hollars to him that loud as roused him sudden. 
 I says, "Mark my words, if it ain't that hussy," and 
 rushes up to her room, as is the front attic, and a 
 ncble room too, and if the door wasn't locked though 
 I'd took away the key with my own hands, through 
 not a-holdin' with servants a-locking theirselves in. 
 
 Brown he was up by that time, and give the door 
 one pris° >udden with his foot and shoulder, and busted 
 it in. 
 
 If that gal wasn't only just waked up, as had been 
 a-readin' in bed with the candle on her band-box, 
 as was on a chair by the bedside, all a-smoulderin* 
 
1 62 
 
 away like, and bust in a flame when the door was 
 opened, as Brown shoved into the grate, and if there'd 
 been curtains to that bed we should all have perished, 
 and if that hussy hadn't got sperrits in a bottle, least- 
 ways there w r as the bottle on the mantelshelf. 
 
 •So I says, " You march, my lady, as soon as ever 
 daylight comes." So I takes the lucifers away and 
 locks her in the room, a-sayin' as I'd have in the police 
 if she dared to speak, as she never said a word till I 
 opens the door in the mornin' after I'd let in Mrs. 
 Giddins, and if that creature wasn't dressed in her 
 bonnet and shawl, and says, " I'll leave your house, 
 and am a-goin' for a cab." 
 
 I says, " Leave my house you do ; but," I says, 
 '•'as to a cab, you walked here and might walk 
 away." 
 
 Well, she bounced out of the place, and never 
 come back till just on eleven, as the pot-boy was 
 a-bringin' Mrs. Giddins her noonin's, as the say in' is. 
 She says " I wants my wages and my property." 
 
 I says " There's your week's money, as I'd scorn to 
 keep." She says, " I'll have a month's.'' 
 
 I says, "Will you? Do you see anything green 
 about me ? " She says to the cabman, Cl Come in and 
 help me down with my box." I says, "You stop 
 where you are, cabman — I'm not a-goin' to have my 
 passage and stair-carpets all mudded by you." I 
 says, "You can carry the box down yourself for all 
 that's in it." She says, "It was that heavy as she 
 couldn't." 
 
 "Well, then," I says, "I'll see what's in it." 
 
 Of all the iciges as she flew in and abuse was fright- 
 ful ; but as luck would have it a policeman were a- 
 passin'. So I calls him in, as shet her up pretty quick, 
 and the things as was in that box, all my property, 
 beggars descriptions, as the say in' is; but as I'd had quite 
 enoug-h of them courts, I wouldn't give her in charge 
 
i6 3 
 
 though the policeman would have took her like a bird. 
 She'd got bed linen and a bolster, to say nothin' of 
 my stocking and a black lace wale, and two blankets 
 as she must have took out from between the mattrass in 
 the front room, and a lot of curtains as I'd got put 
 away, and two muslings as was rough-dried, and 
 a pair of Brown's boots. So I turned the wagabone 
 out with her empty box, and clean forgot as I'd let 
 her have half-a-sovereig-n the Monday after she came. 
 
 Well, I thought it was my duty for to call on that 
 lady as give me the character, and warn her agin 
 such a impostor ; but, law bless you, she said as I was 
 very uncharitable, and however was a young woman 
 for to be reclaimed, and she let out she know'd nothin' 
 about her, and had never had her in her house. 
 
 So I says, "Well, mum, you maybe very pious and 
 all that, but let me tell you as the next time you wants 
 to reclaim any one, try them in your own house first, 
 and don't be that charitable with other parties. I 
 don't keep no refuge for the destitute under my roof, 
 and," I says, "as you're that particular about your 
 chapel, p'rhaps if you wasn't to give false characters 
 as is all a parcel of lies, it would be as well." A 
 cantin' old cat, as turned up her eyes and said I 
 wasn't a renewed character, as I'd have persecuted, 
 only Brown said as she'd not be worth the trouble, as 
 I don't think she were, for I'm sure you'd better put 
 up with anything rather than have to go to law, as is 
 the way to lose time, temper, money, and everything 
 else. But I only hopes as I shan't never have a 
 treasure recommended to me again. 
 
No. 27. 
 
 \" ] I jj ELL, I says, keep it in welcome as far as I'm 
 concerned, though for my part I can't ever 
 think what people wants a-keepin' of birth- 
 days, as only makes you a year older, as fronts won't 
 keep down nor false teeth obliterate, though I've 
 know'd 'em that natural as you could crack a nut with 
 them, as I've seen Mrs. Arden at the " Risin' Sun " 
 do often and often out of bravo to her husband, as 
 wasn't nothin' but a mask of gums. It was wonderful 
 however he could macerate his wittles, and hard-biled 
 beef too, as had been let gallop to death through her 
 never bein' a cook in my opinion, as had a heavy 
 hand at pastry, and hashed mutton downright beastly. 
 
 Well, he says as he'd a few old pals as he should 
 like to see at his table, as would make seven in all, 
 me included ; not as I wanted for to be present with 
 their baccy pisonin' one, as clung to the curtains for 
 weeks to come, and if you'd seen that carpet the next 
 mornin', as I cleaned myself with a ox gall, as made 
 the room that unbearable as I didn't fancy it all the 
 summer. 
 
 So I says, " Brown," I says, " it's my opinion as 
 youd better keep your birthday, as is your own affair, 
 all to yourself." "Well," he says, " I think that's a 
 odd way of bein' jolly, Martha." 
 
 " I means with your friends, in course," says I ; " but 
 
165 
 
 I think as I may as well keep out of the room." He 
 says, "Martha," a-lookin' at me hard, "you ain't a 
 bad sort, and have been my wife two-and-thirty year, 
 and I think as you might keep my birthday with me, 
 I mayn't have many more." 
 
 I says, " Go along- with your nonsense," for I felt a 
 sort of a chokey feelin' in my throat, " you'll live for to 
 torment me many a day, I know ; but/' I says, " I'll 
 keep your birthday for all that with pleasure if you 
 wishes it." 
 
 Certainly Brown is a wonderful-lookin' man for 
 fifty-four, as upright as a dart, and when tidied up, 
 and took a pride in, was once took for vally de 
 chamber to a nobleman. 
 
 So I thought as they should have a nice supper, as 
 I calls a jugged hare and a goose, with a apple tart and 
 bloo monge, as I'm a famous hand at, and have known 
 the dish come down from parties licked clean, as the 
 sayin' is, through ladies' a-takin' to it so. 
 
 I'm glad for to see any one as is a friend as my 
 husband brings home, and as to old Mr. Wells and 
 his son-in-law, Mr. Bunter, why I'm proud for to see 
 them men, as is ornaments as I calls them, and in the 
 funeral furnishin' line. 
 
 Then there's Mr. Packman, as is a reg'lar twetny- 
 shillin'-in-the-pound man, and that's what I calls a 
 good man. 
 
 Then there was Mr.Welby, as have seen better days, 
 a good sort of man enough no doubt, but ain't never 
 done well at nothin', and the money that man's had 
 out of Brown is downright ruin, and all chucked in 
 the dirt, and him always a-comin' with some new 
 vagaries, as wanted to persuade me as there was a, 
 company for makin' of milk from horse-beans, as I 
 says, " More shame for 'em, as can't give no nourish- 
 ment, and must be a heatin' thing for a young child." 
 
 But of all the vulgar, low-lived parties as ever I set 
 
 G 
 
1 66 
 
 down with it was a gent called Haggles, as has only- 
 just come into the club. 
 
 They calls him good company, but not for me, a- 
 turnm' everythin' into ridicule from the goose upper- 
 most, and a-makin' remarks as I calls downright 
 low-lived. 
 
 The way as he slopped things about, a-messin' my 
 new table-cover with brewin' his punch, as was that 
 acid for to set your teeth on a hedge, and didn't suit 
 me, as only took a little somethin' hot for to drink 
 Brown's health. 
 
 About half-past ten when Mr. Wells would go, 
 through livin' over by Whitechapel Church, as is a long 
 distance from South Lambeth, I says, " Gentlemen, if 
 you will excuse me, I shall say good-night, a-wishing 
 as you may enjoy yourselves," and up-stairs I goes. 
 I might as well a-stopped down for all the rest as I 
 got, for really you would have thought as them men 
 had gone mad. Of all the singin' and shoutin' down- 
 right pot-house. 
 
 " Well," I says, "it don't happen often, so I may 
 as well bear it," as I naterally thought would give in 
 by twelve at latest. But law bless you, I heard the 
 clock strike one, and if they wasn't still at it. Sleep I 
 couldn't, so I set up a-noddin' in my chair, when all 
 of a-sudden if they wasn't a-singin' and a dancin'. I 
 says, "They've drunk themselves foolish," as is de- 
 gradin' habits as I don't hold with. 
 
 They was at their highjinks, and me a-thinkin' as I 
 must interfere through a-knowin' as the lady next 
 door was hardly down-stairs, when I hears a crash as 
 though powder mills had gone off under my very 
 nose, with the fire-irons a jingling like mad. So down 
 I rushes, just as I was, with a shawl throwed round 
 my shoulders, and when I opened the door, it was a 
 sight, for if them fools wasn't a-standin' round the 
 table with the fire-irons in their hands as they'd been 
 
i67 
 
 a-dancin' to and a-singin' "Slap Bang-," a-lookin' 
 all aghast, as the say in' is, and if the table wasn't a 
 regular deluge of plaister, a large lump of the or- 
 nament round where the g'as hangs havin' come 
 down. 
 
 Everything was smashed to atoms, and all their 
 glasses broke, as I wasn't sorry for, and if that young- 
 Hagqles didn't begin to make free with my bein' in 
 my nightcap, Brown a-joinin' in the laughture. 
 
 Well, it did put me out for to see that little Welby 
 that far gone in drink as begun for to caper about 
 the place singin' as he was a Jolly Dog, for all the 
 world like a demented hape. So I says, " It's all 
 very well for you to be a-settin' up all night and 
 drinkin' like a sponge, but," I says, " in my opinion 
 you'll be better at home." 
 
 Brown, he turns on me like a tiger broke loose, 
 and says, " Now you hook it, or else we shall have 
 words," as I see by his looks was a little on. 
 
 So I says, " I'm a goin' ; but," I says," you'll please 
 to remember as I'm over head, and don't want my 
 four-post bed, as is full large for the room, to come 
 through with the ceilin'." So them fellows said they'd 
 go, but bless you Brown wouldn't let 'em. For 
 there was clean glasses on the side and more sperrits, 
 and if they didn't have glasses round, and made me 
 have a drop, as was p'raps as well, for I felt all of a 
 chill like. 
 
 "When I did go up again, for they said they was a- 
 goin', I'm sure I stood on the top of them stairs 
 ever so long, with a draught a rushin' up enough for 
 to turn a mill, and me that frightened as they'd set 
 the place a-fire, as is my horrors. 
 
 At last I was thankful for to hear them savin' good- 
 night, and the time as they was a findin' of their hats 
 and umbrellers seemed a age, as the sayin' is. 
 
 When they was gone, I know'd as Brown wasn't no 
 
i68 
 
 more capable of puttin' up the chain, nor turnin' out 
 the gas than nobody. So down I goes, and if he 
 wasn't a-settin' on the bottom stair a-dodgin' at his 
 boots as he was a-tryin' to undo. So I squeezes by 
 him and fastens the door, puts out the gas, and come 
 for to get him up-stairs ; but, law bless you, move 
 him I couldn't, and he set there first a-smilin' and a 
 callin' me a angel ; then begun for to have words 
 through me a-gettin' impatient, bein' kep' a-standin' 
 there so long, and said as we should part, and all of 
 a sudden busted out a-cryin', a sayin' as he was a 
 miserable wretch. So I says, " Get up-stairs, there's 
 a dear," a coaxin' on him, and give him my hand for 
 to get him up. 
 
 Well, he gets on his feet as he couldn't keep, and 
 pitches for'ard right agin me, as knocked the candle 
 out of my hand, and throw'd me back'ards all along 
 that passag*e ; it's a mercy as he didn't fall on me, or 
 it would have been my dyin' hour, I do believe. 
 
 The noise of my fall brought the gal down, as 
 thought we were both bein' murdered, and would have 
 called in the police if I hadn't a-stopp'd her, through 
 not wishing the disgrace. 
 
 Whilst the gal was a-gettin' me up, if Browx 
 didn't make a sudden bolt up-stairs, get into the 
 room and lock the door. Hammerin' wasn't no 
 good ; so, as he hadn't no light, I gets into the back 
 bed, and got to sleep. 
 
 But, bless you, my lord was up and off betimes in 
 the mornin' afore I was stirrin', and never showed 
 up till supper time, and said as it was all my fancy 
 ubout his bein' on, as the smell of the punch had 
 upset me. 
 
 I'm sure five pounds won't set my front parlour to 
 rights ; and as to Brown bein' sober, I'm sure he 
 never was, or he wouldn't have gone 10 oed in his 
 boots. 
 
No. 28. 
 
 Ife $xatim an Wakxn 5i0uK.cs. 
 
 |OUSES indeed! I calls 'em reg'lar ram- 
 shackel nutshells, run-up rubbish, where you 
 can't drive a nail with safety nor hang up 
 a picter with comfort. 
 
 Certainly they was elegant outside, with their white 
 fronts and 'andsome windows to look at ; but I never 
 see such glass to look through, as made things seem 
 that drawed out as you didn't know the postman from 
 the pot-boy. 
 
 As to anythin' a-fittin', there wasn't a window- 
 frame as didn't shake like earthquakes with me only 
 a-walkin' across the room, and as to the Butlers, as 
 lives next door but three, they give a evenin' party as 
 brought the floor in. 
 
 They invited me and Brown, as didn't wish for to 
 go, bein' one as don't hold with no goin's out through 
 a-takin' of his pipe quiet in the front kitchen, as is a 
 pretty room, bein' meant for a sittin'-room, not as 
 ever I fancied it, havin' a mouldy smell, and bein' 
 frequent overflowed in the spring tides. 
 
 Why ever they calls them spring I can't think, for 
 we was very near floated out twice the week afore 
 last, and November no one can't call spring. 
 
 I'm sure the shock as that Mrs. Giddins give me 
 I never shall forget, as is a wrong-headed woman as 
 ever I had in my house, though I will say clean and 
 
170 
 
 honest. Not as I holds with her officious ways, as led 
 to her washin' away every bit of my mock turtle, as 
 I'd been two days a-maikin'. For Brown says to me 
 as he'd got a calf s-head cheap, as is a thing- as a 
 little goes a long- way in my opinion, though with a 
 bit of bacon he relished for his supper. So I makes 
 the rest into mock turtle, and the forcemeat I was 
 proud on, and puts it out to cool in a picklin'-pan in 
 the back kitchen. 
 
 It was the day after that gal left as Fd give warn- 
 in' to, through her a-sayin' as she'd rather starve 
 than eat cold mutton, as was good enough for me. 
 
 So I had Mrs. Giddixs in for half-a-day to tidy up 
 the place ready for the young woman as was a-comin' 
 that evenin\ When I come down after a-puttin' on 
 my cap for tea, I see that picklin'-pan washed up 
 clean. 
 
 So I says, "Wherever have you put my soup?" 
 "What soup?" says she. 
 
 "That as w r as in that pan," says I. "That muck," 
 says she. " Why I've throwed it down the sink,' , 
 through her ignorance, not a-knowin' what it really 
 were. 
 
 I was that wild as I could have throwed her down 
 after it, but as she didn't go to do it I said no more. 
 
 I said to her a little later on, " Mrs. Giddins, I want 
 you to go up into the lumber-room," as is over my 
 bed-room, a sort of cupboard in the slant of the roof, 
 as I'd put away some boxes in, " and pull me out a 
 black portmanty," as I wanted to get somethin' out on. 
 Up she goes all of a bustle. 
 
 I says, "Tread light," through a-knowin' as there 
 wasn't no floor but lath and plasters to that cupboard. 
 "All right," says she. 
 
 So I hearin' her a-rummagin' and a-pullin' the 
 things about calls cut, " Can't you find it ? " She 
 says, " If you'd come and hold the candle I could get 
 
171 
 
 it out/' as was jammed and crammed tight in the 
 corner. 
 
 Up I goes and takes the candle, and there we was 
 a-standin' in that cupboard, as is nothin' but beams. 
 I was standin' on a beam, and Mrs. Giddins in front 
 on me, a-haulin' at that portmanty like mad. Well, 
 she gives it a pull with all her force as made it come 
 out all of a sudden like. 
 
 The jerk as she give it throwed her back agin me 
 as tipped me off the beam on to the lath and plaster, 
 and through I goes, with that crash as made me think 
 the house was all about our ears. 
 
 I struggles natural, as any one would, and, ketchin' 
 hold of Mrs. Giddins pulls her through too. 
 
 Well, there we was through the ceilin', with our 
 legs a-danglin' in my bedroom, and that caught as 
 we couldn't get up, Mrs. Giddins a-screamin' like 
 wild as she was murdered, with the candle knocked 
 out, and we might have been there till now, only as 
 luck would have it Brown come in earlier than I ex- 
 pected. But, law bless you, he could do nothin' for 
 ever so long for laughin', and when he did draw us 
 up, if he didn't say as Mrs. Giddins were a old fool 
 and me another for not knowin' better than to tread 
 on lath and plaster, as is -a downright disgrace for 
 floorin'. 
 
 If you'd seen my bedroom it was a perfect wilder- 
 ness for bits of mortar, and why it didn't all come down 
 together I can't make out. I never shall forget the 
 way as them walls wouldn't hold a picter of a aunt of 
 Brown's as left us the bit of property as we're a-livin' 
 on. A beautiful picter it was, as her good gentleman 
 paid thr&e guineas for to have painted by a painter as 
 had done Queen Caroline in a low-necked dress, 
 with a pink hat and the cheeks to match, as had a 
 bird on her finger. 
 
 The trouble as I've took with that frame a-keepin' 
 
off the flies in summer with yeller calamancer nobody 
 wouldn't believe, and so I did ought to, for it cost 
 thirty shillin's second-hand, lovely gold shell-work 
 at the four corners. 
 
 Well, we hung it up in the front parlour over the 
 mantel-piece, where I'd got some beautiful wax fruit 
 underneath a glass cover, with a peach stone, that 
 nat'ral as you'd a-took and cracked it, and it looked 
 downright noble. We hung it up, as I was sayin', 
 just afore supper, Mrs. Giddixs and me, with a nail 
 that long as I thought it w r ould go through the next 
 door, for it went in that sudden with only two blows 
 of a flat-iron. 
 
 Just as I was a-helpin' Brown to a bit of pickled 
 pork and greens, there come a crash as if heaven 
 and earth had come together. I looks at Browx, and 
 he looks at me. " Whatever can it be i" says he. 
 "The picter," says I. 
 
 Up I rushes, and of all the sights it was that picter, 
 for if it hadn't pulverised my wax fruit, and split the 
 marble chimly-piece, and, wust of all, it had ketched 
 agin the corner of the fender, as Mrs. Giddixs had 
 been that foolish for to leave a-standin' on the rug 
 through a-movin' of it for to put the steps nearer when 
 we was a-hangin' of the picter up, and if the comer 
 of the fender hadn't gone right through her cheek, 
 a-tearin' away a bit of the nose. 
 
 The walls was that rotten all over the house. At 
 to the kitchen dresser, it was a-startin' right away 
 from them, and the plates and dishes in constant 
 jeopardy, and the draught round them skirtin' boardi 
 was enough to blow your legs off: there wasn't a 
 door as w r ould shut, and as to the cockroaches and 
 beadles as made that free that the kitchen floor was 
 black with them ; not for to mention things as was in 
 the bedrooms as defied soft soap, and turps didn't take 
 no effect on ; and all the satisfaction as I got was to be 
 
173 
 
 told as they was in the woods as come from America, 
 as I can easily believe, for in my opinion them 'Men- 
 cans is capable of any thin', like all those niggers as 
 I remembers well was 'mancipated along with the 
 Catholics many years ago ; not as ever I could a-bear 
 them blacks, nor fancy moist sugar, as they mauls 
 about with their hands and feet; a-butcherin' of 
 women and children, as is their savage natures ; but 
 if they'd have kept their beastly woods to theirselves 
 I shouldn't have cared, as has caused me many a 
 sleepless night, and my four-post took down three 
 times in five weeks, for rest I can't with the thought 
 of them in my head, and shouldn't have minded so 
 much if the landlord hadn't give me his impudence, 
 a-sayin' as his house was built for ladies and gentle- 
 men, as didn't go a-tearin' about like mad bulls. 
 
 So I says, " If you are alludin' to me in mad bulls, 
 I'd thank you for to remember as you're a-talking to 
 a lady ; and as to your house, I only hope it will 
 hold together till our year is. out, and then catch me 
 a-stoppin' in your place, as is a mean dusthole " 
 
No. 29. 
 
 g$rs. ^xabm %m to h» €fera»# fartg. 
 
 I E did ought to go, Brown, in my opinion," 
 says I. "Oh, bother!" says he, "I ain't 
 a-goin' to make a fool of myself at my 
 time of life." 
 
 "Well," I says, "it's not makin' a fool of nobody 
 for to be perlite," and with a printed note too as looked 
 beautiful, a-requestin' of the pleasure of our company 
 with quadrilles in the corner. He busts out a laughing 
 a-sayin' as he should like for to see me a quadrilling 
 in a corner. 
 
 So I says, "There's no occasion for no rudeness, 
 Mr. Brown, as have danced often in my time and 
 with your betters, as was young Master Watts, 
 where I lived first, as would often get me for to 
 practise the Spanish dance with him in a round jacket 
 and broad collar, with his hair long and white silk 
 stockings and pumps through it's bein' Twelfth Night, 
 as they drawed king and queen beautiful with a cake 
 like the driven snow." Says Brown, "If you'll 
 promise for to dance, Til go." 
 
 I says, "Go on with your rubbish." "Well," he 
 says, " I means it, for," he says, " there must be some- 
 one on hand for to dig you out of the rubbish, for 
 you'll bring the place about their ears as sure as ever 
 they lets you do it." 
 
 I says, " Mr. Brown, redicules ain't no argyments ; 
 
175 
 
 but," I says, "dance or no dance, I goes to this 
 party." He only says, " All right," and smokes away 
 like a burnin' furnace. 
 
 The next mornin' I gets Miss Lester, as lives 
 nearly opposite, and is a friendly gal, for to answer 
 the note very genteel and say as we excepted the in- 
 vitation, "For," she says, "you can say as Mr. Brown 
 have a bad cold, or somethin' like that, when you 
 goes in without him," as surprised me through her 
 bein' of a serious turn. 
 
 IVe got a lovely gownd as is a satin turk a deep 
 crimson, as belonged to a lady as wore it when she 
 dined at the Lord Mayor's with Queen Victoria first 
 a-comin' to the throne. A noble gownd it is, as I 
 cleaned from top to bottom with my own hands with 
 a little sperrits and flannel. It fitted me like wax only 
 a little tight in the armholes, as Miss Lester said 
 didn't signify, as I needn't lift my arms up. 
 
 I got a very nice blue crape turban, with silver 
 spangles, as sets the face off, and with my new hair, 
 as was made for me in the City, I think as I had 
 everything nice. 
 
 I wore a handsome scarf over my shoulders, as was 
 a bright orange, and with white gloves and a fan, I 
 do assure you any one might have been proud to have 
 took me out. 
 
 When I was dressed Brown I know'd would be full 
 of his jeers, so I didn't go down to him, through not 
 a-wishin' to be baccy-smoked as I told him over the 
 bannisters. As to our Sarah, that gal couldn't take 
 her eyes off me, a-sayin' as I looked for all the world 
 like waxwork as she seed at the West-end, where all 
 the Royal families is in a Chamber of Horrors. 
 
 It was a pourin' wet night, but I would not have a 
 cab through it only beiri three doors off, and Miss 
 Lester a-pinnin' me up all round so as not to be 
 splashed, with a large cloak throwed over me and a 
 
176 
 
 shawl over my head and Sarah holding the um- 
 brella. 
 
 Whatever we pay pavin' rates for I can't make out, 
 it's downright disgraceful the way as they've left them 
 flagstones in our street, that loose as I stepped on one, 
 and up it goes with a flop and sends a large puddle 
 as was under it all up my stockin's, and reg'lar deluged 
 my overshoes. 
 
 Goin' up them steps to Mrs. Butler's door was 
 dreadful, for my gownd hung down and come in 
 contract with the wet stones and dabbed me dreadful. 
 I w T as forced for to send Sarah back for clean 
 stockings, and had to have my shoes dried in the 
 kitchen afore I could go into the room where they was 
 all a-sittin' round the walls a-takin' of tea. I certainly 
 did take a cup for the look of the thing, as were only 
 loo warm, and I should say half-a-crown the pound. 
 There was thin bread and butter as I couldn't eat 
 through the butter bein' what I calls reg'lar cartgrease, 
 and as to the tea-cake it was cold and broke to bits, 
 with a sweet taste as made that rank butter taste 
 worse than ever. 
 
 Mrs. Butler is a weazel-figgered woman, as wears 
 no cap, with grey hairs and not much on it. 
 
 As to her daughter 'Liza Ann, she's a fright all 
 over, with her hair in a crop and a white frock, as had 
 been washed with a deal too much blue-bag for me, 
 and wasn't never made for her in my opinion. 
 
 As to old Butler, nobody seemed to mind him, as 
 was a simple sort of party, as I see myself a-cribbin' 
 of the cakes and drinkin' of the negus on the sly. 
 
 If he could drink it I couldn't, as had been made 
 with cream o' tartar I could swear, and as to wine,- 
 why, it's my opinion as they forgot to put it in. 
 
 Well, there were a deal of music, as was no doubt' 
 very fine for them as understands it, and one young 
 gent as had a lovely shirt tront, though only Scotch 
 
177 
 
 cambric, with his hair parted down the middle and a 
 flower in his coat, as they'd said he'd give ninepence 
 for alone. He certainly sung very nice, though it's 
 my opinion as his boots was torments to him, bein' 
 patent leather stitched with yeller thread as you 
 could see. 
 
 Law, the way as them gals went on over that young 
 fellow was downright barefaced. At last 'Liza Butler 
 got quite put out, and called Miss Shellins a spiteful 
 thing to her face, as was a setttin' down to play on the 
 piano when the music-stool give way with her all of 
 a crash, and knocked my negus out of my hand 
 through my arms bein' that pinioned as I couldn't 
 save it. I'm sure when Miss Shellins come to play 
 it was nothin' partikler, and as to her song as her ma 
 played the music to, it was reg'lar laughture and 
 nothin' more. There was a hand at cards, as I didn't 
 join in, through cribbage bein' all as I knows, but 
 Mrs. Shellins she set down to whist, and didn't know 
 no more than I do, and that aggravated a lady as 
 were her pardner, as caused her for to tell her to her 
 face as she didn't play no better at cards than she did 
 on the pianer. 
 
 There was a pretty filliloo, I can tell you, as broke 
 up the cards, as I wasn't sorry, for really I was 
 beginnin' to feel the want of my supper, as half-past 
 eight is my hour, and now a quarter to ten. Law 
 bless you, I don't think as people as gives parties 
 thinks about comfort, for I'm sure there weren't no 
 comfort there. 
 
 I set a-noddin' in a corner, feelin' ready for to drop, 
 and my new hair kep' a gettin' loose in single hairs 
 across my face, a-makin' my nose itch that violent as 
 I couldn't get my hand near for rest. Well, of a sudden 
 I give a sneeze that violent, and heard a bang*. 
 
 I know'd it was my gownd give way, and so it did, 
 and simultanous like, at each arm-hole. I didn't take 
 
1 7 8 
 
 no notice, thro' a-knowin' as my scarf were pinn'd 
 down, and I wasn't sorry, as the gownd had give 
 way as enabled me to breathe more free, and to get 
 my 'ankercher up to my face. 
 
 Well, supper came at last, as was sandwiches, and 
 cakes, and jelly, with wine and water. You might 
 have knocked me down with a leather. Call that 
 supper as wasn't more than toothfuls ! There was 
 cold roast beef, bread and cheese, and beer, on the 
 sideboard, as Mrs. Butler said were for the 
 gentlemen. 
 
 I'd a-give anythin' for a slice of that beef and a 
 good pull at the beer, but law bless you, I was reg'lar 
 hemmed in, and didn't like for to ask for none, as I 
 could not have eat it comfortable on my lap. As to 
 them sandwiches, they wasn't human, tho' Mrs. Butler 
 did keep a-sayin' as she cured her own 'ams, as she 
 might have done others, but this one wasn't cured at all, 
 and looked that measly as wasn't fit to eat, and in 
 my opinion was cured from the cookshop at the corner. 
 
 I had the presence of mind for to ask for a glass 
 of beer, for drink that Cape wine I can't. 
 
 I might have got on pretty well, pr'aps, if it hadn't 
 been as a bit of somethin' in the sandwich got down 
 the wrong way, and made me cough that violent as I 
 couldn't a-bear myself. I felt half choked, and jumps 
 up for hair to get my breath. 
 
 I sits down agin barely recovering, when old Butler 
 makes a rush across the room at the tongs, as was 
 close to me, ketches 'em up, seizes hold of my turban, 
 pulls it off, with my hair, and throws it all in flames 
 into the grate. 
 
 I thought I would have died with my bald head 
 afore all the company, as I couldn't get my scarf 
 over. If I hadn't been and set light to my turban 
 through a-shovin' it agin' a candle over the mantel- 
 piece. 
 
179 
 
 No doubt I might have been burnt serious but for 
 Butler, only I think he might as well have tried some- 
 thin' else, not as water was any good, for Fm sure 
 that young gentleman in the shirt-front deluged me 
 with a jugful, as made me savage through the danger 
 bein' over. 
 
 I was only too glad for to get home anyhow. Brown 
 was a-bed when I got home, so I didn't say nothin' to 
 him ; but when I looked at my things all spoilt I says 
 to myself, *' No more parties for me ; " but I didn't 
 know the wust till the next day, when our Sarah told 
 me as after I was gone they got a dancin' and Brown's 
 words came true, for if the ceilin' didn't give way 
 over their heads and under their feet, and the neigh- 
 bours come in for to stop it, or they'd have had the 
 row all down. So, you see, it was lucky as I did 
 ketch light, or I might have ended like a earthquake 
 as swallows everythin' up, as the sayin' is. 
 
No. 30. 
 
 $$rs, ^xtiian on 3atitty. 
 
 CERTAINLY very well knows that I'm 
 better off nor I expected to be, but that's not 
 my case alone, for look at them Lord Mayors, 
 as often comes from nothing*, and Louis Napoleon, as 
 I've heard say was brought down to mend his own 
 boots in a back garret of St. Giles's, where in my 
 opinion he might be now for all I cares, for I don't 
 hold with them Brummagem kings and queens like 
 some, as might as well stop in the Sandwich Islands 
 as come here a-showin' their black faces, as I see her 
 myself with nothin' but a converted boatswain for a 
 father, though they do say as she is amiable, but, as 
 I says, why not stop at home, and then no questions 
 wouldn't be asked. 
 
 As for that Miss Chellins a-tellin' me as they 
 wouldn't never have asked me into their society if 
 they'd know'd as I'd been a monthly nuss its down- 
 right cheek. 
 
 So I says, "Miss Chellins, your words is falsehood, 
 though pr'aps unbeknown to utter. I never were a 
 monthly nuss ; not as I'm goin' to deny havin' been 
 with parties in their troubles, as I should not mention 
 through its bein' a-blowin' of my own trumpet, for I'm 
 sure I never got a penny by it, and neglected my own 
 home through a-seein' after others as proved un- 
 grateful," as I'm sure that Mrs. Waddell was, as I 
 
i8i 
 
 stayed with off and on over six weeks, and then to 
 say as she couldn't sleep for my snores, as am a 
 infant in my slumbers. 
 
 "No," I says, "Miss Chellins, I can hold up my 
 head with anybody, for I was a poor g-irl, though 
 brought up respectable, with hard-workin' parents, 
 and my father a fellowship porter, as was crushed 
 between two lighters a-closin' as he slipped wi:h a 
 sack of wheat on his back, and a mercy he wasn't 
 drownded though, and never able for to straighten 
 hisself to his dyin' day, and fourteen shilling a week 
 pension ain't much for them as had had three pounds 
 and five in family, and I'm sure the way as my dear 
 mother slaved is a credit to her memory, as lies in 
 Horselydown Churchyard, though a-wishin' to be 
 buried in Redriff with her parents, close to Prince 
 Leboo, as they didn't never ought to have brought 
 from his friends, as is well-known that they never 
 can live through it, for however can they throw it out 
 through a black skin, as must be that tough as defies 
 perspiration. 
 
 11 So when she was a widow and me only sixteen, 
 I goes to service, and never had but two places in 
 seven years, as ended in marrying Brown, as w r ere 
 as steady as Old Time with a horse and caiQ, 
 
 " I had worked hard as a gal at home, and worked 
 hard as a wife, and the mother of five and buried two. 
 A happy wife too, though I must say as I do think 
 Brown were harsh about Ned, as wasn't a bad boy, 
 though one as would answer, as the father couldn't 
 give in to; but pr'aps it's all for the best, though I 
 did nearly break my heart when he 'listed ; but now 
 as he's give up soldierin', is doin' well in Canada, and 
 sent me home that five pounds, as is in the savings' 
 bank now for him, as I'd rather have starved than 
 touched, I seems reconciled. 
 
 " He was a fine young fellow as ever you see, just 
 
1 82 
 
 under six feet in his socks, with a good honest faee, 
 and a mouth of teeth as might make a elephant 
 envious for ivory. 
 
 "I shan't never forget the evenin' as he come in 
 to wish me good-bye, because Brown would'nt see 
 him, and only seventeen. He was a brave boy. 
 How I loved him when I see him with his under lip 
 a-quiverin' like a arrow ; but he didn't give way, and 
 I wouldn't neither, but spoke cheerful, a-tryin' for to 
 joke him about his red coat. 
 
 " It wouldn't do though, for I was pretty near a- 
 chokin', and when he got up sudden like and said, 
 " Good-bye, mother. Say God bless you, Ned, and 
 then I shall go happy," I thought I must have died ; 
 but no, I didn't, I give him a hearty mother's kiss and 
 said, ' God bless you, my boy,' and off he went, but 
 what it cost me to part with him, and just at Christ- 
 mas too, nobody would ever know in this world." 
 
 I says, " Miss Chellins, I'll trouble you for to take 
 your muddy boots off my fender." 
 
 I could a-said they ain't nothin' for to show, as was 
 kid tops wore to nothin', only I wouldn't hurt her 
 feelin's, though she might have had the mud brushed 
 off, for poverty ain't no crime, though, in my opinion, 
 dirt is despisable. So she says, " I'm a-goin'." 
 
 I says, " By all means." She says, "I didn't go 
 and say nothin' to Mrs. Butler, as was the party as 
 told me as you was a nuss, and your daughters in ser- 
 vice, and Mr. Brown only a engine-driver." 
 
 I says, " Both my daughters was in service decided, 
 and our Janet is married to a ivory-turner and a- 
 doin' well, though not a young man as ever I took 
 to, and don't see much on, for I never did go very 
 often when they was in two rooms, and am not goin' 
 now as they've got a pretty house, furnished beautiful, 
 as I've only seen it twice, thro' him gettin' into a 
 large way of business in the turnin' line. 
 
i83 
 
 "As to my Eliza, as is the child of my heart, she's 
 been three years in Devonshire, and is a-goin' to be 
 married next month to a young" farmer, with two 
 hundred acres of land, though livin' with a mother- 
 in-law wouldn't suit me. 
 
 " I wants her to come home to be married, and 
 she wants me to go there, through the young ladies 
 where she's been a-livin' a-wantin' her to be married 
 there." 
 
 "I don't know how they'll settle it, but I don't think 
 as they'll ketch me a-doin' Devonshire this time of year, 
 as is all very well in the spring, not as I holds with 
 their clotted cream a-comin' up reg'lar churned by 
 the railway.'' 
 
 As I was a-sayin' to Miss Chellins, " Don't you 
 ever fancy as your clothes will ever set the wuss on 
 your back for bein' paid for honest with money as 
 you've worked for. There's many gals now a- 
 flauntin' about in dirty finery, as is a disgrace, with a 
 cane crinoline for to stick it out, as might have been 
 a decent servant and a credit to herself." 
 
 So she ups and says as she never had no occasions 
 to work, for her pa was a gentleman. 
 
 A pretty sort of gentleman, with the heels wore 
 off his boots and the fingers out of his gloves, with 
 two hundred a year in some office, and eight to keep 
 out of it, and owin' seventeen pounds at the chandlery 
 shop, as I wouldn't have the firewood from. I have 
 seen the butcher with my own eyes take the joint 
 from the door through not givin' them credit for 
 nothin'. 
 
 I hadn't no patience with that gal a-settin' there 
 a-talkin' about balls and parties, and how as her ma 
 meant to give one, and for to ask me. So I says, 
 " Miss Chellins, if you think as I wants any of your 
 parties you're quite mistook, so don't let your ma 
 bother her head about me." 
 
1 84 
 
 She says, "I dare say as you would feel awkward 
 as you did at Mrs. Butler's." 
 
 I says, " Pray, whoever said as I was awkward 
 anywhere?" I says; "and as to Mrs. Butler, she's 
 no lady, and as to givin* parties, I think if she was to 
 take her own father out of the workhouse it would 
 be as well." 
 
 I quite forgot as Miss Chellins were niece to Mrs. 
 Butler, and as it were her grandpapa consequential 
 in the workhouse. 
 
 Up she fires, and says as he'd brought it on hisself 
 through drink and gamin'. 
 
 As quiet a old man, bless you, as can be, and doin' 
 well once in the coal-shed line, where Mrs. Boddy, as 
 washes my heavy things, know'd him well. 
 
 I says, " Miss Chellins, poverty ain't no disgrace, 
 though very ill-convenient; but/' I says, " don't go 
 for to take away his character, poor old gentleman." 
 She says, " He might a -rode in his carriage." 
 
 I says, " Rubbish ! you means the cart as he took 
 round the coals and wegetables in, as no doubt he 
 often did." If she didn't get up and say I were a 
 low-lived party, and not fit for society. 
 
 So I says, "No, thank you, I am not, if society 
 means a-cuttin' of a shabby genteel figger, with a 
 rubbishin' gown on and stockin's as would disgrace a 
 sweep, and a-starvin' of a servant-gal, and goin' in 
 debt for a hearthstone, and a-top of all that, givin' a 
 party with nothin' fit to eat or drink, then I'm not fit 
 for it, and don't want it." I says, "None of your 
 dashin' ways for me, as is only another name for the 
 Insolvency Court." Well, she didn't hear no more, 
 but goes out all of a bounce, and banged the street 
 door pretty near off its hinges. 
 
 When Brown was a-readin' the paper in the 
 evenin', " Hallo," he says, " Martha, here's one ot our 
 neighbours through the hoop." 
 
I says, "Whatever do you mean?" "Why/* he 
 says, " Chellins, Laura -place, South Lambeth/' 
 
 " What ?" says I. " Insolvent," says he. 
 
 I thought I should have dropped, to think of me 
 a-hurtin' that poor gal's feelin's like that ; but I says, 
 " I'll go over the first thing in the mornin', and see if 
 Mrs. Chellins wants a friend, for though I don't 
 want none of her society, p'raps she'll put up with me 
 now, when I dare say the evenin' party folks won't 
 care to be there," 
 
No. 31. 
 
 \x%> %ttfim \m a Dog to#|t $om 
 
 ALWAYS did say, and them will be my 
 words to my dyin' days, as animals is all 
 very well in their places, and as to Brown 
 a-sayin' as it don't take much for to keep a dog', why 
 it's downright foolishness, and don't stand to reason, 
 though certainly you wouldn't give to a infant what 
 you gives to a dog, yet it costs money, as everythin' 
 does as is money's worth, as the sayin' is. 
 
 When I see Brown come up to the door a-leadin' 
 of that big dog, as I took for a calf, it give me quite 
 a turn. You never see such a awkward, knock-kneed, 
 all-over-the-place animal, as didn't seem to have no 
 command over hisself no ways, and by his footprints 
 up them doorsteps you'd a-thought as he'd got fifty 
 legs, that you would, like the alligator out of the 
 woods. 
 
 I says, " 'Liza Jane, don't open the front door for 
 all his knockin'. I will not have that beast a- 
 besmearin' my passage with his paws, as is capable 
 of knockin' any one down if jumped on sudden." 
 
 As well I remembers poor Mrs. Jacobs in Great 
 Prescott-street, as was in the wholesale glass and china 
 line, with things that lovely a-comin' constant from 
 over there in wooden cases with paper shavin's as 
 safeguards agin breakin', and always unpacked them 
 in the fore court, as I've stood myself a-lookin' at, 
 
1% 
 
 and I'm sure that dog" was her death, though bite 
 her he did not, through her jumpin' on the crate for 
 to save herself, as, turnin' up sudden, pitched her into 
 the airey, and never spoke agin. 
 
 So I don't hold with them large-sized dogs, as can 
 reach up to the table with only their heads, and lick 
 the cold meat if he hadn't time to collar the lot, as I 
 see him try to do with my own eyes as Brown was 
 a-leadin' him through for to tie him up by the water- 
 butt. 
 
 So I says to Brown, " Whatever are you a-goin' to 
 do with him." He says, " I've only got him for a few 
 days." 
 
 But, bless you, I see as he was a-kiddin', as the 
 sayin' is, and a-comin* the artful to see how I took it. 
 §o I says, " If it's only for a few days, it don't matter; 
 but," 'I says, "live in the house with him I never 
 can." 
 
 Bless you, he was down my throat in a minute, 
 a-sayin' as Pd better stop till I was asked, and that 
 some dogs was much more pleasanter than many as 
 called theirselves Christians. I was natural hurt at 
 them remarks, but didn't say nothin' more till I see 
 Brown a-fidgettin' about after supper. 
 
 So I says, "If it's that everlastin' dog as you're 
 a-gxdzzlin! over, make your mind easy, for 'Liza's 
 give him all the bits, with a bowl of water and a lump 
 of brimstone in, for fear as he should go mad and 
 break his chain, and she's got some straw and a bit 
 of old stair-carpet for to make him a bed, as is a 
 kind-hearted gal, and seemed to take to the brute, as 
 nearly throwed her down, with his head a-towerin' 
 over her 'n, with his paws on her shoulder. 
 
 Bless you, Brown, he couldn't rest till he'd gone out 
 with a light for to see as the creature was all right, 
 as in my opinion was the cause of his goin' on as he 
 did, for animals is very like children, if you wakes 
 
i8S 
 
 'em up when first off, it's hours afore you'll get 'em 
 to sleep agin, and so I told Brown when he come up 
 to bed. For I heard that brute a-givin' in to whines 
 and short barks, as I know'd meant as he was a- 
 tunin' up, as the sayin' is. 
 
 Brown is one of them heavy sleepers as nothin' 
 hardly won't rouse, and off like a church the minute 
 as he's in bed. 
 
 I was a-droppin' off gentle like when I heard that 
 dog" a-makin' a sawin' sort of noise, as though he 
 was a-gratin' of his chain, then I heard him give a 
 short bark, and then a lot of whines, and was just off 
 when I started out of my skin, for he give a howl as 
 sounded through the place agin. 
 
 A nice game he kep' up, till I was pretty nigh mad 
 As to wakin' Brown, I might as well a-tried to wake 
 the cemetery, for he only says, " Bother the dog," and 
 off in a minute. 
 
 " Well," I says, "bear this I can't." 
 
 So I goes to the staircase winder and opens it, as 
 let in a chilly air, though I had got my thick cloak 
 on and my head tied up. I didn't know the beast's 
 name, so calls him "good dog;" but the moment as 
 I spoke he flies out like a roarin' lion, and barked that 
 furious, a-dashin' about like mad. 
 
 Well, I was that put out, and thinks to myself as 
 pr'aps a jug of cold water over him might quiet him 
 down. So I gets the large stone pitcher, as is alway$ 
 kep' full a-standin' on the landin', and puts the candle 
 on the winder-sell, and just as I'd got the pitcher to 
 the winder if the candle wasn't blowed out, but I 
 thought as I could aim at that barkin* brute, as w r as 
 tied up just under the winder. 
 
 Well, I gets the jug up on the winder ledge, and 
 was just a-givin' it a turn when it give a slip, and out 
 it went, and must have ketched on the corner of the 
 water-butt. 
 
1 89 
 
 I heard it smash with a crash as was distracting-, 
 and I hears some one cry out, "Murder! help! 
 thieves! fire!" and I see a policeman's bull's-eye a- 
 gleamin' and hears a rattle. 
 
 So I shets the window quick, and goes back to bed 
 all in the dark a-listenin'. But soon there come 
 a-hammerin' at the back-door, as obligated me for 
 to go down, and ir there wasn t two police as says to 
 me, "■ If you keeps wild beasts, you did ought for to 
 have 'em secured proper." 
 
 I says, "Who are you a-callin' wild beasts ?" Says 
 they, " Your dog*, as has roused the neighbourhood, 
 as have sent to the station-house, and the party next 
 door is pretty nigh drowndecl, and might have been 
 killed, with a stone pitcher a-fallin' on his head, as a 
 nightcap ain't no protection agin." 
 
 I says, " Hang the dog ! for what I cares I wish he 
 was at Jericho." "Well," he says, "he may be by 
 this time, for he's broke his chain and bolted." 
 
 Then I says, "Why ever did you disturb me?" 
 " ' Cos," he says, " we thought as there was thieves, 
 as the old g-entleman next door hollared out," 
 
 And if it wasn't poor old Mr. Brettle next door 
 as had come out of his warm bed for to try and pacify 
 that dog as I'd been and soused through and through 
 with cold water, as is a asthmatic party already. li 
 the stone pitcher hadn't broke its fall agin the water- 
 butt it must have been certain death to him. 
 
 Well, I told the policemen for to look round in the 
 momin', and gets to bed agin, In the mornin', when 
 Brown drawed up the blind for to shave, I heard him 
 say, " Here's a pretty go," and never did you see 
 such work as that dog- had made, w T hy, if he hadn't 
 been and dug a hole big enough for to bury hisself 
 in, and that undermined the water-butt, as it was all 
 sunk a-one-side. So Brown says, " Where's the dog? " 
 
 I says, "Thank goodness, gone." "Gone!" says 
 
190 
 
 he. " Why he's worth ten guineas. I've bought him 
 for a gentleman as asked me to keep him for a day 
 or two." 
 
 " What ! " I says, " you've paid the money for him ? >: 
 4i Yes," says he. " We're ruined ! " says I. 
 
 I couldn't rest, for as soon as ever breakfast was 
 over I was out at the police station, but there didn't 
 seem no chance of findin' the dog. I was put out, and 
 went home with a heavy heart, offerm* of a half-a- 
 sovereign to any one as would bring him. I wish I'd 
 a-said five shillin's, for a boy brought him about three 
 o'clock, as I do believe was only sent by them police 
 a$ know'd where he was all the time. 
 
 Well, we fed him and coaxed him, 'Liza Jane and 
 me, and let him go about where he liked, for I was 
 afraid to let him go into the garden. 
 
 Well, at last he took a fancy for to lay on the mat 
 in the passage just as I'd gone up stairs for to tidy 
 myself up for tea. When I come down it was nearly 
 dusk, and if that dog didn't growl that frightful at me 
 as I couldn't come down stairs nor 'Liza Jane come 
 up all the evenin', and we was prisoners till just on 
 eight, when Brown come in as soon settled my gentle- 
 man, and sent him round to the public-house stables, 
 as is his fit place. 
 
 As to poor Mr. Brettle, I hadn't the courage to 
 face him ; but when I did, he hadn't no idea as I'd 
 throw'd the pitcher, but thought as it had fell acci- 
 dental, as the sayin' is. 
 
 The money it cost for to set that water-butt right, 
 and tidy up the garden after that dog was a little for- 
 tune, and I don't believe as ever Brown got all the 
 money back as he'd paid for the dog, but he took care 
 for to keep that dark, and if ever he said a word 
 about anythin', I was always ready with askin why 
 he didn't brinsr home another do^ ? 
 
 JUDD AND GLASS, THCBNIX HUNTING W0KK8, LONDON. 
 
ADTERTISEMENTS. 
 
 ©itginal aHaterproof ftaufacttires. 
 
 " The only one to be relied upon." 
 Tide Zand <$■ Water, March 24, 1866, and Sporting Life, Jan. 27, 1866. 
 
 CORDING'S FISHING BOOTS. 
 
 CORDING'S FISHING STOCKINGS" AND 
 BROGUES. 
 
 CORDING'S CELEBRATED DREADNOUGHT. 
 
 CORDING'S HUNTING & RIDING COATS. 
 
 CORDING'S YACHTING SUITS. 
 CORDING'S KNAPSACKS"! 12s. 6d. each! 
 CORDING'S SHOOTING BOOTS. 
 CORDING'S LIFE BELTS. 
 
 Vide Sporting Gazette, Aug. 5, 1866. 
 
 CORDING'S PORTABLE BATH. 
 CORDING'S PORTABLE BOATS. T 
 
 CORDING'S GROUND SHEETS~ 
 
 CORDING'S TOURIST & STORM COATS. 
 CORDING'S BOX & GIG APRONS. 
 CORDING'S AIR PILLOWS &CUSHIONS7 
 CORDING'S AIR & WATER BEDS. 
 CORDING'S LADIES' CLOAKS, &c. 
 
 CORDING- Contractor for POLICE CAPES. 
 
 J. C. CORDING, Waterproofer, 
 231, STEAND, TEMPLE BAE, LONDON. 
 
ADVERTISEMENTS. 
 
 T5ENS0N, J. W., by Special Appointment to H.R.H. 
 
 - L? the Trince of AVii l- s. 
 
 J>ENSON'S WATCHES! Prize Medal, 1865. 
 jgENSON'S WATCHES sent safe by post7~ 
 
 "OENSON'S CLOCKS, manufactured by Steam 
 
 -■*-* Po orer. " 
 
 E~~ENSON'S SILVER and ELECTRO-PLATE. 
 Prize Medal, 1S62. 
 
 B" ENSON'S ~GOLD JEWELLERY, Novel and 
 Artistic. 
 
 JgENSON'S ILLUSTRATED PAMPHLET. 2d 
 T>ENSON, Old Bond-street & Westbourne-grove. 
 
 T>ENSON'S STEAM FACTORY, Ludgate-hill. 
 
ADVERTISEMENTS. 
 
 HIMMEL'S NEW PERFUME. 
 
 IHLAWG-IHLANG, or the Flower 
 of Flowers ( Vnona odoratlssima). This 
 Flower, described by Rumphius as the 
 most fragrant of the Eastern Arclii- 
 ' pelago, yields a delicious and perma- 
 nent perfume. Price from 2s. 6d. per 
 bottle. RIMMEL'S TOILET VINE- 
 GAR, a tonic, and refreshing adjunct 
 to the daily ablutions or bath, and a 
 powerful disinfectant. Price Is., 2s. fid., and 5s. per bottle. 
 
 RIMMEL'S EXTRACT OF LIME JUICE AND GLYCERINE is the 
 best preparation for the hair. Price Is. 6d., 2s. 6d., and 5s. 
 
 EUGE&E EIMMEL, Perfumer by appointment to 
 H.R.H. the Princess of Wales, 
 
 96, STRAND, 123, REGENT STREET, & 24, CORNHILL, LONDON. 
 
 Coughs, Asthma, and Incipient Consumption 
 
 are effectually cured by 
 
 KEATING'S COUGH LOZENGE 
 
 Sold in Boxes Is. ljd., and Tins 2s. 9d., 4s. 6d., £ 10s. 6d. each 
 
 HEATING'S 
 PERSIAN INSECT DESTROYING POWDER. 
 
 Sold in boxes, Is., 2s. 6cl., and 4s. 6d. each, by 
 
 THOMAS KEATING, 
 
 Chemist, 
 
 79, ST. PAUL'S CHURCHYARD, LONDON, E.G. 
 
 14, DUKE ST., 
 
 MANCHESTER SQUARE. 
 
 Preserver of Birds, Beasts, Reptiles, Fish, and every 
 
 species of animated nature. 
 
 Skins of every description Dressed and made into Hugs. 
 
 P. ASKEW kegs to inform the Nobilitv, Gentry, and Public, that lie 
 has REMOVED bis 
 
 Jlirfc aubjuiimal §r^Mrhi$ €gtidrli:s^mcnt 
 
 From SO G&CHAR9 STEEET. to the above Address. 
 
ADVERTISEMENTS. 
 
 FELIX SULTANA & CO., 
 
 23, POULTEY, LONDON, E.C. 
 
 c3 
 
 1 
 
 <D 
 r— I 
 
 o 
 
 O 
 
 o 
 
 rC5 
 
 Cf-I 
 
 o 
 
 The extraordinary effects of this peculiar Oil in permanently 
 
 restoring and beautif}'ing the hair are attested by thousands. 
 
 Price Is. 6d. per bottle. A sample direct for 24 stamps. 
 
 QUEEN DAGMAE'S CEOSS, 
 As worn by Her Royal Highness the Princess of Wales. 
 This elegant jewel is universally admired. It is filled with 
 the concentrated essence of a thousand flowers, and emits un- 
 ceasingly a delightful perfume. 
 
 Price os. 6d. In solid fine Gold, 2 Guineas. Post free. 
 
 EELIX SULTANA'S CELEBRATED 
 PERFUMES FOR THE HANDKERCHIEF, 
 
 1/6 & 2/6 per bottle. 3 bottles in casket, 4/6 & 7/. 
 Choice extracts of every perfume-breathing flower. 
 
 THE NEW PERFUME, 
 
 "BOUQUET CROQUET," 
 Lately perfected by FELIX SULTANA, surpasses all others 
 in its delicious and unchanging fragrance. 
 
 FELIX~SULTANA & CO., 
 
 ROYAL PERFUMERS, 
 2 3, POULTRY, LONDON, E.C. 
 
ADVERTISEMENTS. 
 
 SANSFLECTUM CRINOLINES. 
 
 Sansflectum 
 
 Jupon, 
 17/6. 
 
 Tlie Pompadour 
 Jupon, 
 
 25/. 
 
 Made entirely without 
 steel. 
 
 The Ondina 
 Jupon, 
 
 1^6 
 
 The Gemma, or A 
 
 J 
 
 Jewelled 
 Jupon, 
 
 10/6. 
 
 "Light, elegant, and graceful." — Court Circular. 
 " The dress falls in graceful folds." — Morning Post. 
 
 ADDLEY BOURNE, 
 
 Family Draper, Jupon and Corset Manufacturer to the Court and 
 Royal Family, 37, PICCADILLY (opposite St. James's Church, W.) 
 
 AMOTT'S CHEAP SILKS. 
 
 PATTERNS POST FREE. 
 
 WEDDING 
 
 SILKS 
 
 DINNER 
 
 SILKS. 
 
 EVENING 
 
 SILKS. 
 
 New Checked Silks £1 3s. 6d. 
 
 Good Black Silks, 2s. 4|d. per yard. 
 
 New Colours and Patterns, £1 7s. 6d. 
 
 Black Corded Silks, 1J guineas. 
 
 Rich Foreign Glaces, £1 10s. 6d. 
 
 New Colours in 20 shades, 2 guineas. 
 
 Plain and Fancy Grosgrains, £2 7s. 6d. 
 
 New Japanese Silks, 
 
 all colours, £2 7s. 6d. 15 yards. 
 
 Rich Moire Antiques, 2£ guineas. 
 
 Hundreds of Wedding Silks Cheap. 
 
 Plain, Fancy, and Figured, 2 guineas. 
 
 Rich Italian Silks, 3 guineas. 
 
 Small Pattern Silks for Young Ladies, 
 
 £12s. 6d., £1 7s. 6d., £1 15s. 6d. 
 
 A choice from a £20,000 Stock. 
 
 Patterns post free. 
 
 MOURNING 
 
 SILKS. 
 PROMENADE 
 
 SILKS. 
 ELACK! 
 
 SILKS. 
 
 PATTERNS POST FREE. 
 AMOTT & COMPY., 61 & 62, St. Paul's Churchyard. 
 
ADVERTISEMENTS. 
 
 $g Scmal finnffcajfo Petellic |)en gtolier to ftc $amr. 
 
 JOSEPH GILLOTT 
 
 Respectfully invites tlic attention of the Public to the following 
 lumbers of his 
 
 PATENT METALLIC PENS, 
 
 Which for quality of material, east action, and great 
 durability, wilL ensure universal preference. 
 
 For Ladies' Use, for fine, neat writing, especially on thick and 
 highly-finished papers.— Nos. 1, 173, 303, 604, in Extra Fine 
 
 POINTS. 
 
 For General Use.— Nos. 2, 164, 166, 168, 604, in Fine Points. 
 
 For Bold Free Writing.— Nos. 3, 164, 166, 168, 604, in 
 Medium Points. 
 
 For Gentlemen's Use, for large, free, bold writing. — The Black 
 Swan Quill, Large Barrel Pen, No. 808. The Patent Magnum 
 Bonum, No. 263, in Medium and Broad Points. 
 
 For General Writing. — No. 263, in Extra-fine and Fine 
 Points. No. 810, New Bank Pen. No. 262, in Fine Points, 
 Small Barrel. 840, the Autograph Pen. 
 
 For Commercial Purposes. — The Celebrated Three-hole 
 Correspondence Pen. No. 382. Four-hole ditto, No. 202. The 
 Public Pen, No. 292. Ditto, with Bead, No. 404. Small Barrel 
 Pens, fine and free, Nos. 392, 405, 603. 
 
 To be heed of every respectable Stationer in the icorld. 
 
 Wholesale and for Exportation, at the Manufactory, Victoria 
 Works, Graham Street, and at 96, New Street, Birmingham; 91, 
 John Street, New York ; and at the London Depot, 37, Gracechurch 
 Street, E.C. 
 
 LRpM 
 
 
 XI? 
 
ADVERTISEMENTS. 
 
 HOUS E F URNISHING-. 
 
 MESSRS. DRUCE & CO. 
 
 Respectfully invite parties about to Furnish before deciding else- 
 where, to inspect their immense Stock of Furnishing requisites, 
 consisting of 
 
 Upwards of 1,400 Bedsteads in Wood and Metal, 
 
 Many of them fixed ivith Furniture and Bedding complete. 
 
 500 WARDEOBES, CHESTS OF DEAWEES, WASHSTANDS, 
 TOILET TABLES, GLASSES, &c, 
 
 Also, upwards of 500 Easy Chairs, Sofas, Side and Convertible 
 
 Centre Ottomans, between 200 and 300 Sideboards, 
 
 Dining and Side Tables, Dinner Wagons, §c., with Dining Room 
 
 Chairs to match. 
 
 Their Stock of Drawing Eoom Furniture, consisting of Walnut 
 "Wood, Buhl, and Marqueterie Suites, is the most extensive in 
 London, and every article being marked in plain figures, parties can 
 make their own calculations and estimates without being importuned 
 to purchase. 
 
 Messrs. DEUCE & CO. may remark that theirs is the Largest 
 Furnishing Establishment in the Kingdom, containing a superficial: 
 area of 48,000 feet — upwards of an acre in extent. A warranty is 
 given, and references to parties whom they have furnished, if required. 
 
 A Servant's Bed Eoom well and completely Furnished for 84So> 
 
 Special arrangements made for delivering goods in the country* 
 
 Note the Address — 
 
 MESSRS. DRUCE & CO., 
 68, 69, & 65, BAKER STREET 
 
 And 4, King Street, Portman Square, W. 
 
 N.B. — -A large stock of Brussels Carpets of New and Elegant? 
 Designs and Colouring, and Fashionable Fabrics for Curtains, at 
 prices lower than elsewhere. 
 
 Descriptive Catalogues Dost Free. 
 
HANDLOOM CARPETS 
 
 8Q0DE, 8AINSF0RD, 
 
 NDLOOM, BRUSSELS & WSLT 
 C A R P E T S. 
 
 Excellence of Quality and Durability in Wear, Htvnd! 
 
 Carpets have a peculiar Advantage over those 
 
 Manufactured hy the Powerloom. 
 
 fRKEY&AXMINSTERCAKFr 
 
 FLOORCLOTHS & KAMPTUL.CONS 
 
 SUPERIOR BEDDING. 
 
 SPi 
 
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