R00SBV6LT 
 
Hollinger 
 
 pH8.5 
 
 Mill Run F3-1 955 
 
Throupfh the 
 Outlooking Glass 
 
 WITH 
 
 THEODORE 
 ROOSEVELT 
 
 SIXTH EDITION 
 
 pricp: ten cents 
 
TIIHOrCII THE 
 UUTLOOKINC CiLASS 
 
 Beiiur the curiout adventures of 
 Theodore the U*^! Knight in hU 
 quest of the Tliird f*up. of hit 
 faithful cftrnpanion Alli-e. of the 
 Old liidy who lived in a ahne 
 behind a high tariff icall. and 
 divert quaint and livrlv prrtont, 
 all comprising a vrrit'jhle Tlio- 
 odjmcy of incidents, set do\m 
 in simple third trrms 
 
 ■Y 
 
 NlMI.ON STKINSKY 
 
 UKrRISTKI) KIH»M 
 
 I M \ . •!• L 
 
L . 
 .57 
 
 Source Trn^c-cc^ 
 
riiioiiuli tlic ( )iit l( K >kiiiL: (ilass 
 
 CHAPTKIt I 
 
 Alice was lialf-way througii Ikt cereal when the 
 Red Knight came in and picked out a place at the 
 same tahle facing h« r. He tiling his coat ovt-r two 
 hooks on tlu* wall upside down, ile then took a 
 pirce of chalk from hin pocket and drew a ring on 
 the floor and thr«'W his hat into it. 
 
 "(icMxl njorning, sir. " said Alice, who never for- 
 g«)t her manners und«-r any circinnstancrs. 
 
 "GihkI evening," said the Krd Knight, as he 
 opened his newspaper and hegan r<ading the last 
 paragraph in the last column on the last page. 
 
 "Hut it isn't evrning, " said Alice. "Why, I am 
 just having my breakfast before g»ii"g to schi>ol." 
 
 "If you were a friend of mine, you'd know what 
 I mean." said the Red Knight, and turned to the 
 Mad Waitrr, who was holding out thr bill of fare 
 for him to read. The Mad Uaitrr was a pro- 
 gressive waiter. He was so progressive that he 
 would alwavs be serving people with their supper 
 before they had finished ordering lunch. 
 
 "I'll begin with a third cup of cofTee." said thr 
 R<d Knight. "Then you can bring mc n second 
 cup if it's not too cold. I am sure I don't want 
 the first cup at all tmlay." 
 
 "Thank you. sir." said the Mad Waiter. "The 
 ham and eggs is very fine today." 
 
Through the Outlooking Glass 
 
 "That just suits me," said the Red Knight. 
 
 "Too bad/' said the Mad Waiter. "Perhaps 
 you'll have a chop^, with pickles and a boiled po- 
 tato." 
 
 "Bully !" said the Red Knight. 
 
 "Why, then, there's the cold salmon as many 
 people likes to have a taste of in the morning," 
 said the waiter. 
 
 "Under no circumstances will I eat cold sal- 
 mon," said tlie Red Knight, bringing his fist down 
 on the table with such force that Alice let her 
 spoon fall to the floor. The Mad Waiter dis- 
 appeared, and almost immediately returned with a 
 plate of cold salmon, of which the Red Knight 
 partook heartily, washing it down with two steam- 
 ing cups of coffee. As Alice was gathering up 
 her books before setting out for school, the Red 
 Knicrlit turned to the waiter and said, "Xow bring 
 me the first cup." 
 
 "But you said you were sure you didn't want a 
 first cup," cried Alice, with some show of spirit. 
 
 "Tliat doesn't m(\'in I can't liave a first cup 
 without sugar in it, does it?" said th«^ Red Knight, 
 as he picked up the sugar-bowl and threw it at 
 the ^^ad Waiter. 
 
 CHAPTER IT 
 
 Soon they came to the top of the hill and Alice 
 saw a large, heavy man witli a genial smile stand- 
 ing on tlio lawn of the White House. 
 
 "That." said the R.d Knight with a frown, "is 
 a drrr]itive candidate for the Presidency." 
 
ThroiKjIi tli<- Outlooking Glass 5 
 
 "Why do you call liiin dcoci)tivc?" said Alice. 
 "Bccaiisi- he always says what he means, " re- 
 plied the Ued Knight. 
 
 "Jiut that isn't deceiving at all," said Alice. 
 
 "Yes, it is," said tile Krd Knight angrily. "A 
 man like that dcecivis people s hopes for novelty 
 and cxcitciiunt. Now / am a receptive candidate." 
 
 I lion t know what that means, either," said 
 Alice. 
 
 "It means, saiii tht K« d Knight, a candidate 
 who receives his views and his principles as he 
 moves along. I am also a perceptive candidate 
 because I am as quick as lightning at perceiving 
 which way the wind blows. Furthermore, I am 
 an inceptive candidate and a susceptive candidate, 
 and an acceptive candidate. That big man you 
 see over there is my friend. IJut he has queer no- 
 tions about some things. Tor instance, he says 
 he'd rather be white than be President." 
 
 "Aren't you going to say 'Good morning' to him, 
 if he is vour friend.^" said Alice. 
 
 "Oh. no." said the Red Knight. "I never do 
 things lik<' other j)eople. I treat my friends and 
 my enemies alike. I give them all a square deal." 
 . "It seems to me, then." said Alice, "tha't what 
 you want to do is to walk over and shake hands 
 and say 'I hope you are feeling quite well, and 
 here is a square deal for you.' " 
 
 "That would never do," said the Red Knight. 
 "When I give a friend a square deal I give it to 
 him between his should«T blades, especially if he 
 has broad shoulders like this man in front of us." 
 
(i 'I'liruiKjh the (Jnilooicinij Glass 
 
 ■ I don't see tli.it tin size of tlic man's shoulders 
 has anything to do with it, " said Alice. 
 
 "That is because you liave forgotten your geom- 
 etry," said the Red Kni^dit. "If you hadn't you'd 
 know that a square deil <>n the hyj)othenuse is 
 ecjual to the sum of the square deals on the other 
 two sides. " 
 
 CHAl'li.R III 
 
 'J'hc Red Knight had Ixen rowing for a long 
 time and Alice noticed that they were still in the 
 same place. That was on account of the peculiar 
 wav in which the Red Knight handled the oars. 
 1I( pulled at the right oar as hard as he could and 
 I)uslied with the left oar as hard as he could and 
 the boat went round and round in a circle. 
 
 "We aren't getting any nearer the sliore, arc 
 wc' " he asked anxiously. 
 
 "Not a bit." said Alice. 
 
 "Th.it's fin<-." said the Red Knight. "Now you 
 can see that I am neither a wild t vi d radical n(»r a 
 moss grown react i»)nary.' 
 
 But Alice's conscience Wgan to trouble her. 
 
 "You know," she said, "I promised Mamma that 
 I would go out i!J a boat under no circumstances." 
 
 '"I'hat's all ritjht. then." said the Red Knight. 
 "It's just what you are (h)ing." 
 
 "Rut I am not," .said .Mice. 
 
 "You arc very stupid." said the Red Knight. 
 "Suppose vou said. 'I will go out in the rain un- 
 (hr uo um))rella.' \\'ouldn't that mean that you 
 intended to ^o out without an mnbrella?" 
 
'I'lirmtiili till- ( ititl ntikinn (ifiiMM f 
 
 "It might iiicaii tlmt," .nnid Alice. 
 
 "And suppose you s.iid. 'I will go to hrci uiulrr 
 no blankrt,' it w«>u!(l nuaii that you preferred to 
 sleep without ft blanket, wouldn't it?" 
 
 "I supjwsc no," said Alice. 
 
 "Now, were there nny circumstnnce« why you 
 should have pime out with nie in this boat?" asked 
 the Ucd Knight. 
 
 "No," said Alice. 
 
 "Well, then, isn't it as plain as anything that 
 you are going out in this Iwat under no circum- 
 stances?" 
 
 But Alice only Inrgan to whimper. 
 
 "I promised Mamma," she said, "that I should 
 be home at five o'clwk." 
 
 "Selfish!" .said the Red Knight. 
 
 "I am not selfish." cried Alice. "I promised 
 Mamma I'd come and I want to keep my promise." 
 
 "That's what I call selfish,' said the Red 
 Knight; "giving somelMnly your jiromise and want- 
 ing to keep it, too. I'd never Ik* guiltv of such 
 conduct. It's like giving someUxly your pieee of 
 plum pudding and wanting to keep it at the same 
 time." 
 
 "Hut a promise isn't plum pudding," said Alice. 
 
 "Of course it Un't." said the Red Knight. 
 "Plum pudding is much harder to swallow." 
 
 "Oh. you know well enough what I mean. " said 
 Alice, quite out of patience. "It isn't the promitr 
 I Want to keep: it's ivhat I promised aliout." 
 
 "Oh. in that case, we quite «|free/* Mid the Red 
 
8 Throuyh the Uutlookiny Glass 
 
 Knight. If vou give |)coj)le a promise aiid keep 
 soiiu-tiiing tlsf, it's all right. " And he began to 
 row h.irdt-r than rver. 
 
 ( H Al'l l.li i\ 
 
 "Sometimes," said the Ketl Knight, "a situation 
 arises where mere words will not do at all. Look 
 at this paper, for instanee." 
 
 "Its a telegram, isnt it.'* said Aliee, 
 
 "A special night-letter." said the Red Knight. 
 "It's from tin I'rime Minister of Kansas. It says: 
 'W'hiii you take a third eiip at breakfast, do you 
 drink eotlce like the j)lain people, or eoeoa like 
 the enemies of progress?' Now, words alone could 
 not express my views on the subject. The only 
 way I can answer this highly imp»)rtant (juestion 
 is like this." 
 
 .Vnd thru, to Alice's astonishment, the Red 
 Knight d» seeiided from his horse and stood straight 
 in the air «»n his hands, as Alice had fre(|uently 
 seen her littb- br«>ther (h» in the back-yard at home. 
 
 "On tile one hand." said the Red Knight, lift- 
 ing his right arm from the ground and ti))ping 
 dangerously to the left. "I beli<ve that tin- right of 
 tlu' common peopb- to drink cofTcc in the morning 
 is inalienabh", and if the Constitution is in the 
 wa\- it should be rj-e.alb-d. On the other hand." 
 suiting his action to the word and tipping danger- 
 ously to the right, "if some people are put upon a 
 cocoa diet by dm-tor's orders. th«-v shi>uld be at 
 lib<rty to drink cocoa e\en if they are rich. I 
 tliink. " concluded the R<tl Knight as he gi)t to his 
 
Throuffh thr (Jutlooktny iilasa 
 
 fcrt c|uitc hrrnthlr*(<i niitl very rnl in the face, 
 "thnt the I'riinr Mini«it('r of KniiAiui will hence- 
 forth know how I •ttnnd u)N>ti the xuhject." 
 
 "' > » • ' .,v you Wert* HO rh'vrr nt f^ymnoj- 
 tic» V with nincrrr ndiiuration. 
 
 "Oh. I nni." %a\A thr Krd Knight, with nn nir of 
 jtiHtitird priilr. "I nni the only man in the coun- 
 try who r.nn * ' *-.vrrn two ntiKtU without touch- 
 ing rith«r i»r 'n thr jfround." 
 
 "I (Ion ■ ivImkIv cnn do that," naid 
 
 Alice. 
 
 "I do it hy .Hitting •>>! iii> murii, ^.-inl I In- lird 
 Knight. 
 
 CHAPTKU V 
 
 Alice wa«i l>rginninf( to feel rather tiretl, when 
 they turned another cornrr and naw the old woman 
 who livrd in a nhor. Tlir Inndlord di«l' ' ' ' to 
 have h.ihirH in thr Ihiuhc. and thr cost «»f _ wtks 
 
 drradfully high, and ho nhe didn't know what else 
 to do. Thr Ilrd Knight ^ very one of the 
 
 children- there wrrr just lii. . -• '.rix «'^ ♦'• -"? 
 
 told them that under certain cireui: 
 might all l>e I'rriident ^ome day. 
 
 Alice had l»ern 1«'' ' ' . and the 
 
 sight of til. llttli- III \Ts fi» hrf 
 
 rye*. 
 
 "Thr darlings' nhe naid. "I ^hotild ju^t love to 
 Kithe thrni all and put thrni to Itrd. I wonder 
 how you can keep count i»f thnn. ma'am." 
 
 "\i'% very wimple, " waid the woman. "I make 
 them punch a clock, in the • . : .- . 
 
10 Thruuifh the Outluokiny Glass 
 
 it's tin- Itrtakfast tliat worries me," she went on, 
 turning to tlu- lird Kniglit. "U'itli lifty-seven 
 nioutlis to feed, and each one demanding a bowl of 
 cereal and an egg, and priees what they are." 
 
 "liut on the other liand," said the Red Knight, 
 "see what you have done for your country and your 
 race." 
 
 "I know," said the old woman. "I heard ])eople 
 say that if the tariff were reduced, then groceries 
 might came cheaper somehow; I am not clever at 
 such things, but you know what I mean." 
 
 The Red Knight smih-d jovially. 
 
 "I quite understand, Madam," he said. "What 
 you mean is that the Presidential primary ought 
 to lie established in every State." 
 
 "Perhaps I did mean that," said the old woman, 
 a little dazed. "They were also saying that if 
 American sewing-machines were sold in this coun- 
 try at only twenty-five per cent, more than they 
 are sold abroad, it would be a g(M)d thing for us 
 housewives. Perhaps I'm not {|uite clear." 
 
 "I grasp your meaning j)erfectly," said the Red 
 Knight. "You meant to imply that the greatest 
 ne«-d of the moment is the recall of judicial 
 (h'cisions. 
 
 "Well, I suppose it's so," said the old woman. 
 "Hut I did think that if we had reciprocity with 
 Canada, every one of the childr<*n might have an 
 cp:^ for breakfast. I wonder if it is renllv ]>ossi- 
 ble." 
 
 "It is. Madam." said the Hnl Kniirht; as soon 
 T»; wi I s» iblisli thr initiiti\e and rifer«'ndujn." 
 
Throuyh the Outlookinij Uiati 11 
 
 "Docs llmt mraii two separate things, or one?'' 
 asked Alice, who had been reading the "Uubaiyat" 
 to the thirtcrn youngrst childnn. 
 
 "Two. of course," said the Ued Knight. "I sup- 
 ply the initiative, and Perkins furnislus the rcfrr- 
 cndutu." 
 
 He took off his hehnet and from it drew forth 
 two large paper boxes, at the sight of the contents 
 of which all the fifty-seven cliildren broke into 
 A cheer. They were still cheering for the Red 
 Knight as Alice and her companion disappeared 
 around the corner. 
 
 "Was it breakfast food you had in the boxes?" 
 asked Alice. 
 
 ".My dear .Mice," said the Red Knight, "when 
 vou grow up and go into society, you will learn 
 that |H)pular rnthuHiasm d<Ks not thrive on break- 
 fi.st food. You know what children like. In one 
 of the boxes there was fudge, and in the other l>ox 
 there was taffy " 
 
 CHAPTKH VI 
 
 "Whichever way you look at it," said the Red 
 Knight, "there is only one jKJSsible conclusion I 
 am the logical candidate at Chicago." 
 
 "What I* a logical candidate?" said Alice. 
 
 "A logical candidate," said the Red Knight, "U 
 one who, when the necessity arises, can prove 
 that 'I won't' means 'I will.'" 
 
 "That should be a %ery difficult thing to U'», " 
 said Mi"-'- 
 
12 Through the Outlooking Glass 
 
 "I find it the easiest thing in the world," said 
 the Red Knight. "Let us look at it in this way: 
 No one will deny that the President of the United 
 States should be a man about fifty-four years old, 
 about five feet ten inches tall, powerfully built, 
 wear glasses, and live on the north shore of Long 
 Island. That, I believe, is axiomatic." 
 
 "That's another word I don't know the mean- 
 ing of," said Alice. 
 
 "An axiom, my dear girl, is something which is 
 so obviously true that the man who denies it must 
 be a crook or an infamous liar. Very well, then. 
 In the second place, a candidate for the Presidency 
 should be a man of wide experience. He must have 
 lived in the \\'hite House at least seven years, and 
 before that he must have been a member of the 
 Legislature, a Police Commissioner, a cavalry 
 colonel, and the author of a short but masterly 
 treatise on the Irish sagas." 
 
 "Is that axiomatic, also?" said Alice. 
 
 "Natura'Uy," said tiie Red Knight. 
 
 "Then it means you once more?" 
 
 "Exactly," said the Red Knight. "And in the 
 last place he should be a descendant of the old 
 DuU-h patroons, a native of New York, and his 
 name should begin with an R and end with a T, 
 and have at h'ast two O's and a \' betwe(Mi. Now 
 what does all that ]irove?" 
 
 "Axiomatically, you mean?" said .Mice. 
 
 "Of course," said the Red Knight. 
 
 "It means you again." said .\liee. 
 
 "You are a very bright child to ^'■<' tli.^ point so 
 
Through the Outloohing Glass IS 
 
 (juuKiN, s.iiil tlu- it((i Knight. "Thus 1 am tlic 
 logical tamiidatf of thr inoiiutnt. Hut please ob- 
 serve that 1 am much more than that. I am also 
 the physiological c uididatc, because I can speak 
 faster and louder than any man in the country, and 
 can slug a man harder through the ropes. Then, 
 I am the zoological candidate, because of my rec- 
 ord in Africa. .And I am the entomological can- 
 didate, because I am the broadest-minded man in 
 the world, and my views are absolutely insectari- 
 an." 
 
 T don t think that is a very gotxi pun, do you.^" 
 said Alice. 
 
 "I think it's one of the best puns I ever heard," 
 said the Red Knight, hastily, and went on. "The 
 successful candidate must l>o one who knows how 
 to make hay when the sun shines and how to get in 
 out of the rain; therefore, I am the meteorological 
 candidate. He should l)e the man broujjht for- 
 ward by a vast national upheaval ; that makes me 
 the geological candidate. And, alwvc all, he must 
 not be too thin-skinned when accused of bad faith 
 and persotml inotivrs; whieh makes me the dermn- 
 toloijical can<li<iate. .<o what dors all this show ? 
 
 "It shows." said Alicr. "that you are the logical 
 candidate." 
 
 "It dors." snid the li» <i KiUiclit. and. h 
 vested himsrlf of his armor, he thrust h 
 into his pockets and whistled cheerfully. 
 
14 Through the Outlouking Glass 
 
 C ilAl'TKK \ II 
 
 "Having: rallied my troops," said the Red Knight, 
 "I will now niart'h to srttlc the Trust problem at 
 the head of my convincihlc army." 
 
 "You mean invincible, don't your" said Alice. 
 
 *'I mean ro/jvineible," replied the Ked Knight. 
 "Because we always march to battle convinced 
 that we shall be robbed of tlie fruits of victory." 
 
 "Then why fight at all.>" said Alice. 
 
 The Ked Kni^rht looked at her in a><tonishinent. 
 "If we don't fight. li"W c:\u we cry fraud after- 
 wards ?" 
 
 "Hut you don't absolutely have to cry fraud, do 
 you.^" said Alice, timidly. 
 
 For the first time since their acquaintance the 
 Uvd Knight grew sarcastic. "If you can tell me 
 any other way we can keep our spirits up, I'd be 
 much obliged," lie said. 
 
 "Vour arinv doesn't seem to be a very large 
 one," said Alice. 
 
 "Yes, it is," said the Red Knight. "I have 
 countless millions on my side. Rut they are of a 
 rather retiring disposition. You'd never suspect 
 they were there if I didn't t« 11 you. These men 
 you see are only my Field-Marslials. I don't sup- 
 pose von have ever met them bef«)re. have you.'" 
 
 "I never have," said Alice. "I am only eight, 
 you know, and Mamma says I must be seventeen 
 before I go out in mixed company." 
 
 "Thrn T must introduce you." said the Red 
 Knight. "The small man in armor is Cm or'jr tl« 
 
ThrouQh the Outtooktng Olast 15 
 
 Harvr.lrr. U- « ..i !....» thnt Urnasc he ih.nk* 
 he cnn *ow ,uo„ry nn.i rmp clrlrp.nle.. "^ J*"^ 
 loTCi. thr |>c«plr. And hr xn »o nKxIr.l ihnt he 
 ,K.>plc dont rvrn ' U A ^ "^n /he 
 
 lUrvrstrr, nnd im Ir ^ "»^"» ^'''* 
 
 "I dont think I like him,** wiid Alic 
 •I didnl uiilil he came out for roe," s^ui iUr 
 Red Kniphl. -Thnl showed how mi -^•" I w.v.. 
 The Inll. thin man. next to him rH inr 
 
 Forester, iw> called hecaune he w frequentlr up a 
 tree- He is a nice fellow, hut not pra« tical 
 J ' - •» ther he l>clong« >* 
 
 ,. The* one in sheepikin 
 U brmsbv the Harr,^ter. He gi»t \un title from 
 his willinlrness to round up Southern delepites lor 
 nnr candidate, har none. He is the most un- 
 
 • r ,1 .««n I know The Uil nmn on the 
 prejuduMcl man i Know. » ••» . ^ ^ 
 
 left, in a uniform of colored froi • 
 
 the PnMiOjer. He in always i:. -. . 
 
 cause hi", circulation is m> good. Have too ever 
 
 te«n a more impressive lot of men. 
 
 Alice eouldn't honently %ay that s' ' 
 Re<! K night gave the nigiial and 
 armv .tnrt.d out. Soon they came to two finger- 
 ,>n*t, |»ointing In the same direction. ' ^■ 
 
 - , the Iloune of the (mkmI . - '' 
 
 r ,H»st ^iid: -To the House of tht 
 
 Alice thought that was ' ' ^i"*/*?^ 
 
 , , , 1 .. -,♦ „ntil t! ' f'*"' *" 
 
 thev did the mad on thr left 
 had no guide ,>o,ts at all. and the two fingers con 
 tinned to point down the other mad. 
 
l6 Through the Outloohing Glass 
 
 "Do Goud Trii.'st and Bad Trust botli live in the 
 same house?" asked Alice. 
 
 "I shouldn't be surprised," said the Red Knight, 
 and tlu V niarched on till they came to New Jer- 
 sey; and there, sure enough — but what Alice saw 
 there will be told by the Red Knight in the pre- 
 ceding chapter. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII 
 
 Yes, sure enough, just as Alice and the Red 
 Knight turned the corner they spied the Good 
 Trust and the Bad Trust standing quite still, with 
 their hands in each other's pockets. Alice thought 
 it very odd, because the day was quite warm. 
 
 "They do that to keep in practice," said the Red 
 Knight, 
 
 To Alice they looked like twins. They were 
 dressed in suits of Pittsburgh steel, with woollen 
 caps in the form of Schedule K. and boots made 
 by the Shoe-Maciiine Trust. 
 
 *T am sure I could never t< 11 them apart," said 
 Alice. "How do you manage to do it.' 
 
 "There arc several ways," said the Red Knight. 
 "One way is to turn around and let one of them 
 steal your |)urse. If he spends the money on 
 yachts and Old Masters, it's the Bad Trust. But, 
 if he spends the money on Presidential canqiaign 
 contributions, it's the Good Trust." 
 
 "Hut what Ijappens to inv j)ocketbook .'" asked 
 Alier. 
 
 "I think you are very sordid. ' said the Red 
 Kniijht. "Howrvj-r. vou miirht [rv to shake hands 
 
Throuyh Uic U uilooking Ulass 17 
 
 with tluMi). If lu takes your hand nnd says, 'How 
 do you dor' it's tlir (mhm' Trust; hut, if he takes 
 your liaiid and tlun hitis ■♦ ' mu'11 know it's the 
 Bad Trust." 
 
 'I don't think I Hkc tliat way cither," said 
 Alicr. "All I can sec is tliat they look just alike, 
 and hchave in exactly the same way." 
 
 "That simply shows you lack incrimination and 
 discrimination," said the Red Knight. "Incrimina- 
 tion to recognize the Had Trust, and discrimina- 
 tion to recognize the G«H)d Trust." 
 
 "\\ ell, I wish you'd tell me Imw you manage to 
 tell one from tlie other," said Alicr. 
 
 "L'sually I do it l)y instinct, ' said the Red 
 Knight: "hut when it's too dark to see well, I treat 
 them with kindness." 
 
 "Hut what good docs that do?" asked Alice. 
 
 "I thought you knew that everybody responds to 
 kindness," said the Red Knight. "()nly they re- 
 spond in difTcnnt ways. I get my best results by 
 tickling them." 
 
 lie walked up to the two Trusts, and poked his 
 finger into the ribs of the one on the left, saying 
 at the same time: "What do you think of the Sher- 
 man law?" 
 
 "Tee hee, tee her," th«- Trust gigghtl. 
 
 "That." .said the Red Knight, "is the Had Trust. 
 Did you ever see such criminal indifference? Now, 
 watch me." And he pr«H'«rfIed to push his finger 
 into the side of the other Trust, repeating: "What 
 do you think of the Sherman law?" 
 
18 Thruucjh the OuiLuoking Glass 
 
 "T. R.! T. R.:" shouted the Trust. 
 
 "That is the Good Trust/' said the Red Knight. 
 "Of course, it isn't a method tliat everybody would 
 care to pursue. And that is ^vhy I am the only 
 man in the country who can really tell the dif- 
 ference between the two." 
 
 CHAPTER IX 
 
 It was the Comic Editor who suggested that they 
 go uptown by the subway. It was the rush hour, 
 so there was i)lenty of room for everybody. The 
 Red Knight lay back in his seat and looked thought- 
 fully at Alice. 
 
 "Now that I have got Oklahoma and there is 
 no doubt as to liow the rest of the country is going, 
 I feel the need of a little recreation — " he said. 
 
 "\\'reckreation, you know," said the Comic Edi- 
 tor and nudged Alice in the side as lie spelled out 
 the joke for her. 
 
 "Do you like puzzle pictures?" said the Red 
 Knight. 
 
 "I just love them," said Alice. 
 
 The Red Knight took out a large document 
 printed on heavy jiarchment. At the top was an 
 eagle with outstretched wings, and Alice could read 
 the first line. "We. the people of the United 
 States, in order — " Borrowing Alice's scissors, he 
 snipped the paper u]) in little bands and squares. 
 These he first threw up in the air. TIkmi he ran 
 them through his finge^rs. TIkmi lie crumpled them 
 up. thriw them on the fioor and jumped upon them. 
 
Throu(jh the Outlooking Glass 19 
 
 "Change and exercise are good for the Constitu- 
 tion, you know," said tlic Comic Editor. 
 
 Alice ItKikcd calmly at thr Comic I'.ditor and set 
 to work arranging the fragments. IJut the task 
 was quite beyond licr. "I'm afraid you'll liave to 
 do it yourself," she said. 
 
 "Its very simple," said the KkI Knight. He 
 took the pieces and d«'ftly put them togrther, put- 
 ting Article XII first and Article \'II next, and so 
 on. "Now, here's a sample of the way it should 
 look." he said, and Alice noticed that the typogra- 
 phy htd changed V( rv oddlv. She renrl as follows: 
 
 Wo, the pcnpir of the I'nltml Statj^j. In onlrr to 
 form a morr iKTfot't union. c<itahll<th juntlc^. 
 InHiiro (lonu-^t ir trnnquilllty. provide for the 
 <-<>tnmon ilffcn****. promote the ir«*ncrnl welfare. 
 an<l Hocurc the hleMlnrx of lIlM-rty to oursielTc* 
 and our poHterit). dn nnhiln and e^ktahllAh 
 tlilH CoiiHtlttitlon for the l'nltr«l .State* of 
 .America. 
 
 **It seems to be nothing but capital I's," said 
 Alice. "The rest you can hardly read. 
 
 "That is the letter of the Constitution." said the 
 Red Knight. "I have always been faithful to it, 
 and always will be." 
 
 "But you ran't make a Constitution out of a 
 single letter," insisted Alice. 
 
 "Yes. you can." said the Red Knight, "provided 
 the letter is bit: « notiirh." 
 
20 Through the Outlooking Glass 
 
 But Alice was firm. "I don't see how language 
 can be made up of one letter. You need twenty-six 
 at least." 
 
 "I don't think so/' said the Red Knight, "and, 
 besides, where am I to get the other letters from?" 
 
 "You might advertise," said the Comic Editor. 
 "Help Wanted, Mail, you know." 
 
 All at once the Red Knight sat straight up, and 
 his face grew bright. "Why, of course, we need 
 more letters. There is e for 'me' and o for 'our' 
 and u for 'us' and a for 'am' and y for 'my.' My 
 dear Alice, that really was a bright idea of yours." 
 
 "Whatever is bright is Constitutional, you know," 
 said the Comic Editor. 
 
 The Red Knight picked up the pieces of parch- 
 ment. "With a little practice," he said, "you will 
 be very good at taking a constitution apart and 
 putting it together again. It helps to pass the 
 time, and when you are tired of the game you 
 can throw the mess out of the window." 
 
 "Interrupt it and constrew it, you know," said 
 the Comic Editor. 
 
 "Oh, don't be a fool," said Alice, quite losing 
 her temper. She looked so angry that the Comic 
 Editor burst out crying. He was still sobbing 
 when they came to tlie door of the Outlooking Glass 
 office. 
 
 CHAPTER X 
 
 "If -you promise to keep quite still," said the 
 Poet Laureate, "I will read you my latest poem." 
 
Through the Outlooking Glass 21 
 
 "I should be delighted," said Alice, whose man- 
 ners never failed her. 
 
 The Poet Laureate cleared liis throat and read: 
 
 The sun was shining in the sky, 
 The time was 2 A. M. 
 (Xo stand-pat luminary, he 
 Progrcs.sivcd with a slam). 
 And folk in bed were luncheoning 
 Exclusively on jam, 
 
 "This doesn't seem to be quite clear," said Alice. 
 
 "Of course it isn't," said the Poet Laureate. 
 "This is just to create the proper atmosphere." 
 And he went on : 
 
 The Colonel and the Harvester 
 
 Had found a shady spot. 
 
 TIk'V sorted Issues by the piece. 
 
 The dozen, and the lot. 
 
 And most of them were highly spiced. 
 
 And all were piping hot. 
 
 "For seven years," the Colonel said, 
 
 "I walked the quarter deck, 
 
 T smote the Trusts, and in their gore 
 
 I waded to the neek." 
 
 "I know it," sohl)ed the Harvester, 
 
 And signed another check. 
 
 "I have'nt overdone the pathos, have I?" said the 
 Poet Laureate. 
 
 "Not at all," said .\lic«". 
 
 "Oh Pledges, come and walk with us," 
 
 The valiant Colonel cried. 
 
 "Your ntmibers clearly show my stand 
 
 Upon race suicide. 
 
 Your countless face«; fill my breast 
 
 With pardonable pride." 
 
22 Through the Outlooking Glass 
 
 The elder Pledges shook their heads 
 And whimpered as he spoke; 
 The elder Pledges couldn't move 
 Because their backs was broke. 
 But all the younger fry obeyed 
 And waited for the joke. 
 
 "I will now skip several stanzas because they are 
 quite intelligible/' said the Poet Laureate. 
 
 "It seems to me that you can read them all the 
 better then/' said Alice. 
 
 "But if they are already intelligible, what use 
 is there in reading them?" said the Poet Laureate, 
 impatiently, and he went on: 
 
 "The time has come," the Colonel said, 
 
 "To speak of many things, 
 
 Of Presidents of sealing wax, 
 
 And hats inside of rings, 
 
 And why I feel so boiling hot. 
 
 And whether truth has wings." 
 
 "A l)rand new deal. Oh Pledges dear. 
 
 Is what we chiefly need, 
 
 A double-acting memory 
 
 Is very good indeed; 
 
 And if you're ready. Harvester, 
 
 "VVc can l>egin to feed." 
 
 "But not on iis," tlic Pledges cried — 
 
 "Please/' said Alice, "please won't you skip what 
 happened next? I have never been able to think 
 about it without crying. It's too cruel." 
 
 "Very well/' said the Poet Laureate. "I am 
 rather tender-liearted myself. I'll pass on to the 
 last verse : 
 
Throuijh the OntlooUimj Glass 
 
 23 
 
 "Oh PU'dgcs (U;ir," the Colonel said, 
 "Is not this hiilly f»in? ^^ . 
 
 I thank you for the Harvt-stt-r 
 
 Hut answer there eanie none. 
 
 And this was seareely «>dd, U-cause 
 
 He'd swallowed every one. 
 
 ClIArTKU XI 
 
 "When I went to seliooi;' said the Red Kiiiirlit, 
 "I was i)artieiilarly good at Riddles, Revcrcnee 
 and Uitlunctie." 
 
 Tve studied arithmetie in school and played 
 riddles after school," said Aliee, •'hut I dont know 
 what you mean hy Reverence. 
 
 "I'm surprised," said the Red Knight. "lUv- 
 crence means doing honor to great men. 1* or in- 
 stance, when I look at myself and am reminded of 
 Ahraham Lincoln, George Washington, Napoleon, 
 Mark Twain, Admiral Peary, and Joan of Arc, 
 that means reverence. Hut perhaps youcl rather 
 have me ask you riddles?" 
 
 "I think I should," said Alice. 
 "Very well. What's the difference between a 
 Southern postmaster in 1908 and a Southern post- 
 master in lf)L2?" 
 
 •Tin sure I don't know." said .Vliee. "What m 
 
 it.'" 
 
 "I crive it up." said the Red knight. 
 
 "What a i\\urr way of asking riddles!" said 
 
 \lice. 
 
 "Not at all," said the Red Knight. "What's the 
 difference between taking a canal from Colombia 
 and taking candy from a child?" 
 
2'1 Throuyh the Outlooking Glass 
 
 "I never did undt-rstand politics," said Alice. 
 "What is it?" 
 
 "1 give it up, " baid the Ited Knight. 
 
 "Oil, pshaw," said Aiiee. 'i'lrasc do be sensi- 
 ble." 
 
 "I am sensible," said the Ited Knigiit. "W hy is 
 George W. Perkins like the voiee of the people?" 
 
 "Well, why?" 
 
 "1 give it up," said the Red Knight. 
 
 "Ikit that's too absurd for anything," said Alice. 
 "If you like to tease people, please find some one 
 else to tease." 
 
 She walked away to one side, quite angry, and 
 began Ui play with the daisies in her new spring 
 hat. 'i'iie Red Knight sat di)wn on the river's 
 edge and broke out crying. He wept so bitterly 
 that Alice felt sorry for him. She came baek to 
 where he sat and said: "I'm awfully sorry. I 
 didn't njean to hurt your feelings." But the Red 
 Knight only went on weeping. 
 
 "Please, do stoj) erying." said .Vliee. "Take out 
 your handkerchief and wipe your eyes; come now." 
 
 "I can't," said the Red Knight. "I had my 
 handkerehii f in my hat, and my hat is in the ring," 
 and he sobbed as if his heart would break. 
 
 So Alice took out her own handkerchief and 
 wiped his st reaming eyes, but still he would not 
 stop. Tlicn, to quiet liim, she said: "Hut you said 
 you were good at arithm«tic. 
 
 "Oh. I am," said the Red Knight, and his face 
 grew (juite radiant. "Have you ever figured out 
 how niMiiv riov«*rnors liave come out for me?" 
 
Throufjh the Outlooking Glass 25 
 
 "No, " said Alice. 
 
 "Well," snid the Ucd Knight, "there's the Gov- 
 ernor of New Ilnnipshire, nnd the Governor of 
 West \*irjfini.'i. that makes two; and the (iovernor 
 of Nrw I l.-inipshirr. that nmkcs 
 
 "But you counted the Governor of New Hauip- 
 shirr," .said Alice. 
 
 "Only once. " said tht- iU d Kn !;:l»l. i'cople J»ay 
 that th«* Cfovernor of New 11 lUipshire is of two 
 minds about mc — that means twice, doesn't itf" 
 
 "Docs it?" said Alice. 
 
 "Of course it docs, ' said the Hed Knight. "Then 
 thrrc is K - IS, which mak<s Hv<-. and Nrbraska, 
 which I Irvcn, and California, which makes 
 
 twcnty-ft»ur, and New Mexico, which mokes thirty- 
 seven out of a total of fort ' ' Cnivernors. 
 
 "I don't see how vou tiguri m iv 'tut at all." SAid 
 Alice. 
 
 "I do it by long addition," said the lied Knight. 
 
 CHAPTER XII 
 
 \ ' •' * ..-;..n;.... water on his i .. - .;*d 
 
 f A hat for several nun- 
 
 utrs, and still the Ked Knight lay there quite mo- 
 !!r ' ' ' • wan ojid pale It made 
 heart t just wViJi nK'' had dc- 
 
 1 that tor must be 'he Red 
 
 Knight oprnrtl his eyes and sighrtl. 
 "Whrfr irr We.'" he «iaid. 
 "Wr arr still in Nor»i T> I .. j Alice. 
 
 "And our ft|*iM>ii( lit - 
 
26 Through the Outlooking Glass 
 
 "They have gone somewhere else." 
 
 "J knew it," said the Red Knight. "They have 
 left the Held to me. 1 knew it would be like that. 
 I always win. Did you see me charge.'" 
 
 "J did/' said Alice. "It made me so sad to see 
 you go over your horse's head so many times." 
 
 "1 did that to disconcert them/' said the Red 
 Knight. "As long as I stayed in the saddle they 
 would keep on fighting. ]3ut as soon as I fell off 
 they would naturally be at a loss as to what to do 
 next." 
 
 "But you frightened me horribly/' said Alice. 
 "Every time you went over you landed on your 
 head." 
 
 "Oh, that was all right/' said the Red Knight. 
 "My head has always been the strongest part of 
 me. Besides, I always think very well on my 
 head. It stinndates me. Some of the very best 
 ideas I have had — like the recall of the judges, 
 for instance — came to me in that position. The 
 thing to do now is to follow up our victory.' 
 
 "You must not bother about that now," said 
 Alice. "You must really rest u}). Talking isn't 
 very good for you." 
 
 "It never hurts me to talk," said the Red Knight. 
 "It is no strain* whatever. I can do it without 
 thinking." 
 
 A tired look canu^ into Alice's face. 
 
 "You arc not discouraged, are you?" asked the 
 Red Knight, a little wistfully. "You nuistn't be, 
 you know. If I gave np the light who else would 
 there be to carrv it on .'' 
 
Throuijh the Outlooking Glass 27 
 
 "I'm sure I don't know, " said Alice. 
 
 "There is no one else," said the Ked Kniglit. 
 
 *I 11 prove it to you." He reached into his back 
 
 pocket and pulled out a collapsible foot-uicasurc 
 
 of the kind carpenters use in their business. He 
 
 handed it to Alice and asked her to open it out. 
 
 "This is a very funny rule," said Alice. "1 
 
 thought all these 'pocket-measures ran up to six 
 
 feet, but this one stops short at five feet ten 
 
 inches." 
 
 "Exactly," said the Red Knight. "Now would 
 you mind taking my measure, just as I lif hrrer 
 Alice wondered, but complied. 
 "Why," she said, "it is just your height." 
 "Of course it is," said the Utd Knight. "This, 
 vou see, is the rule of the people. I always carry 
 it about with me. It is a very good rule, because 
 it works onlv one way." 
 
 CHAPTER XIII 
 
 At the sight of the dear old l.uly in a pannier 
 gown, Alice could not help uttering a little cry 
 of delight. 
 
 "Do let me introduce vou," she said to the R<d 
 Knight, and she ran forward, pulling his st.rd 
 along bv the rein. "The R.-d Kniiiht. Mrs. Mala- 
 prop." she said, and beamed upon b.)th of them. 
 
 "\ot the Mrs. Malaprop," .said the Red Knight, 
 holding out one hand and clinging to the saddle 
 with the other. 
 
28 Through the Outlooking Glass 
 
 "The same/' said the old lady; "may I facilitate 
 you upon the results in Illinois and Pennsyl- 
 vania?" 
 
 "I thank you/' said the Red Knight. "I have 
 often heard you spoken of as one of our leading 
 simplified spellers. If I am not mistaken, your 
 grandfather was Col. Lapsus Linguae of Faux 
 Pas." 
 
 "He was/' said the old lady. "And on my 
 mother's side I am related to the Bulls of Ireland 
 and the Hiatuses of Prattling Common. If an 
 old woman's good wishes count for anything — " 
 
 "Madam/' said the Red Knight, "after Califor- 
 nia, I freely recognize the extraordinary mental 
 and moral qualities of our women voters." 
 
 "I have long wished to tell you/' said the old 
 woman, "how I admire the victorious career of one 
 whom I regard as the most Perkinacious of all our 
 candidates." 
 
 "Pert, not Perk/' hinted Alice, gently. 
 
 "Perk or Pert, what difference does it make.^" 
 said the old lady. "We live not by the letter of 
 the law, but by its spirituous consultation. I have 
 known many candidates who have fought hard for 
 their own ends, but none whose motives are so 
 absolutely Flinnathropic." 
 
 "Philanthropic," suggested Alice, in a whisper. 
 
 "Please don't interrogate so much," said the old 
 lady, but still without losing her temper. "When 
 I meet a public man who is so ready to capitalize 
 his own interests to those of his countrv — " 
 
Through the Outlooking Glass 29 
 
 -Sacri— " Alice started to say, but caught her- 
 self in time. 
 
 "Why, then/' went on the old lady, "he ought 
 to have as many terms as he likes. If two are 
 not enough he should have a third term, if only by 
 Hannalogy. Now I hope I got that right," she 
 said, turning defiantly to Alice. 
 
 But Alice's feelings were hurt, and she said 
 nothing. 
 
 "And so," concluded the old lady, "I hope that 
 you will succeed in keeping up your spontaneous 
 consumption of public interest and that you won't 
 let them take away your Southern renegades—" 
 
 "Delega — " said Alice before she could stop 
 herself. 
 
 But the old ladv onlv glared at her and went 
 on addressing the Red Knight: "And may all your 
 enemies be like that English duke who was 
 drowned in a barrel of Munsey." 
 
 "Malmsev," shouted Alice, no longer able to 
 control herself. But the Red Knight turned to 
 her and chided her gently: "The question my 
 dear Alice, is who shall make the rules of lan- 
 guage, the plain people or the bosses who write 
 the dictionaries." 
 
 CHAPTER XIV 
 
 "I ^^•ill never go to Chicago," said the Red 
 Knight. 
 
 Alice looked up from her book. "What train 
 won't vou take.^" she asked. 
 
30 Through the Outlooking Glass 
 
 "The 3:30/' said the Red Knight. 
 
 "And which would you rather not have, a lower 
 berth or an upper one?" said Alice. , 
 
 "By all means a lower berth/' said the Red 
 Knight. "It makes no difference to me, you 
 know." 
 
 And so the next morning they sat at breakfast 
 in the dining-car. Alice divided her attention be- 
 tween the grapefruit and the landscape, but the 
 Red Knight was completely absorbed with his own 
 thoughts. 
 
 "It makes one dizzy to see the country flash 
 by," said Alice, half to herself. 
 
 The gentleman in a bathing suit who sat at the 
 next table eating olives with a spoon turned 
 around with a reassuring smile. 
 
 "I shouldn't worry if I were you," he said. **It 
 keeps up all the way to Chicago, you know." 
 
 "What keeps up?" said Alice. 
 
 "The country, of course/' said the gentleman. 
 
 But at the word Chicago, the Red Knight looked 
 up suddenly. "My dear Alice, do you happen to 
 remember the name of the President who was 
 nominated at Chicago in I860?" he said. 
 
 "Let me see," said Alice, and she began to re- 
 peat to herself, 
 
 First Washington his country's pride, 
 Then sturdy Adams true and tried, 
 Then Jeiferson 
 
 "We shall be in Chicago before you get to 
 Daniel Webster," said the gentleman in thp bath- 
 
ThroiKjh the Outlooking Glass 31 
 
 ing suit. "It was Lincoln, of course." 
 
 "Lincoln is right," said the Red Knight. "And 
 now / am going to Chicago." 
 
 "That's a very good sign," said the gentleman 
 in the bathing suit. 
 
 "What isr said the Red Knight, blushing with 
 delight. 
 
 "That." said the other, pointing out of the win- 
 dow. "Can vou read it? 'Use Walnut Oil and 
 Save Your Hair.' It sounds very convincing. 
 
 But the Red Knight was once more lost in 
 thought, and the gentleman in the bathing suit 
 turned to Alice. 
 
 "I am an upholsterer by trade, you know, he 
 said, "but in the summer I give lessons on the 
 violin." , 
 
 "What an odd combination!" said Alice. Do 
 
 you play well?" 
 
 "Oh I make more or less of a respectable liv- 
 ing out of it," he said. "It's more respectable 
 than upholstering, but it's less of a living. 
 
 Here the Red Knight looked up again. ^'^Y^ 
 are those famous words in Lincoln's Second In- 
 augural, Alice? You know what I mean. ^^ ith— 
 ^Vi|.]i ' How does it go?" 
 
 -7 know what vou mean," said the gentleman 
 in the bathing suit as he rolled his menu-card 
 into a tube and began shooting olive-pits through 
 it. "You mean. "With Alice towards none, with 
 hilarity for all — ' " 
 
 "I think you are very stupid," said Alice, "and 
 
32 Through the Outlooking Glass 
 
 I wish you wouldn't take liberties with other 
 people's names." 
 
 The man in the bathing suit immediately broke 
 into tears. "I was only fooling/' he sobbed. "But 
 you can't fool all of the peojDle all of the time. 
 Can you now.^" he said, turning to the Red 
 Knight. 
 
 "You don't have to/' said the Red Knight, to 
 himself. "A good many Progressives expect to 
 be elected to the United States Senate." 
 
 CHAPTER XV 
 
 The train pulled into the station, and the Red 
 Knight looked at his watch. "Forty minutes 
 late," he said; "another infamous trick." He 
 seized a telegraph blank, and wrote: "Congress- 
 man McKinley, Taft Headquarters — Brigand! 
 Assassin ! Polygamist ! Collect." He turned to 
 Alice. "I feel much better now," he said. "Let 
 us go." 
 
 Opposite them in the car sat a young lady who 
 was reading "Thus Spake Zarathustra/' and 
 iihewing gum. So they knew they were in Chicago. 
 They came to a hotel that was taller than any 
 building Alice had ever seen. It was so tall that 
 millionaires living on the top floor were in the 
 habit of swearing off their taxes, on the plea of 
 non-residence in the State of Illinois, They en- 
 tered the elevator, and by and by they reached 
 the floor on which their rooms were situated. As 
 they opened the door, the first thing they saw was 
 George the Harvester and Ormsby the Barrister 
 
Through the Outlooking Glass^ 33 
 
 weeping in each other's arms, and wiping each 
 other's eyes with bundles of rejected credentials. 
 At the' sight of the Barrister the Red Knight 
 showed no anger. He merely took off his helmet 
 and threw it at the bellboy. Then he pressed 
 his forehead against the window-pane, and the 
 glass cracked. Then he turned to the Barrister. 
 -You must have had a very pleasant trip down 
 South," he said, quietly gnashing his teeth. 
 
 "I did." said the Barrister, brightening up 
 wonderfullv. 
 
 "How did it all happen?" said the Red Knight. 
 
 "Shall I tell the story by Congressional districts 
 or by States?" said the Barrister. 
 
 "By States," said the Red Knight. 
 
 The Barrister cleared his throat and began: 
 
 I took a barrel into Ga. 
 
 ("'Ga' bcinir Georgia, of course," he explained.) 
 They jumped right up and yelled "Hurrah." 
 
 I took a trunkfid into Fla. 
 
 Ihev came to cheer from near and far, 
 
 I spent two trunkfuls in Ala. 
 
 They danced and sang: "You bet we are. 
 
 I took a crateful into Ark. 
 
 They said, "Your reasons hit the mark. 
 
 "But this is all so very, very obscure," said 
 
 Alice. 
 
 "It was intended to be," said the Barrister, and 
 
 went on : 
 
 I sent to them and said "Endorse," 
 They stood right up and said "Of course. 
 
34 Through the Outlooking Glass 
 
 I wrote to them and said "Contest," 
 They said "Cash up, we'll do the rest." 
 
 I said to them "Remember now," 
 
 They said, "Keep cool, we'll show you how." 
 
 They voted once, they voted twice, 
 They voted hard, to earn the price. 
 
 "But who are 'they?'*' asked Alice. "Are 
 there really such people.^" 
 
 "Of course there are/' said the Barrister. "I 
 invented them myself/' and he went on: 
 
 They started for Chicago, 111., 
 To ratify the people's will, 
 But — 
 
 "That's all there is/' said the Barrister, stop- 
 ping abruptly. 
 
 "Yes, that is all there is/' said the Red Knight, 
 ^'and a nice mess you made of it." 
 
 "Mercy, Sire," cried the Barrister, falling on 
 his knees. 
 
 "Failure deserves no pity," said the Red Knight 
 sternly. "If it were not for the chance that you 
 may do better in 191 6, I would make short work 
 of you at once. As it is, you will, as a penalty, 
 between today and the first of next year, read and 
 briefly summarize every one of my past Presiden- 
 tial messages." 
 
 "Including the paragraph about the tariff 
 which Joe Cannon made you take out.^" sobbed 
 the Barrister. 
 
 "Evervthing!" said the Red Knight. "Come, 
 Alice. The trumpet calls to battle. It's now or 
 never — unless the circumstances change." 
 
Through the Outlookin g Glass 25 
 
 CHAPTER XVI 
 
 The two armies were now face to face, and the 
 Red Knight gathered his staff about him for a 
 few final words of exhortation. 
 
 "Remember, men/' he said. "Victory is as- 
 sured. On our side are all the honest men. 
 Against us are all the thieves. We need only 
 win forty of them over to our side and the battle 
 is ours." 
 
 Alice thought that was rather strange tactics, 
 but she said nothing. She gazed with admiration 
 at the Red Knight. He was resplendent in a new 
 suit of armour fashioned out of lithographed 
 photographs of Abraham Lincoln. From his hel- 
 met fluttered a copy of the Declaration of the 
 Rights of Man. In his right hand he held a 
 copv of Magna Charta, and with the left he waved 
 aloft one of the Harvester's fattest checkbooks. 
 A mighty cheer broke from the multitude, but 
 the Red Knight commanded silence. 
 
 "As you go into battle," he went on, "ask your- 
 self this: Can the practitioners of theft and burg- 
 lary triumph over the forces of righteousness? 
 
 ''Never!" shouted the Publisher, like the hero 
 in one of his own magazines. 
 
 "Don't be an ass, Frank," said the Red Knight. 
 "Of course thev always do, except when I am 
 here to lead the forces of righteousness. That 
 makes all the difference in the world." 
 
 Alice thought she had never seen him in such a 
 logical frame of mind. The men about him felt 
 exactlv the same way. 
 
36 Through the. Outloohing Glass 
 
 The Red Knight went on: "The principal thing 
 when you take up arms is to know what you are 
 fighting for. Do all of you know what you are 
 after?" 
 
 "We do !" they cried in chorus. Conviction 
 was stamped on every face. 
 
 "That is very good/' said the Red Knight. "So 
 do I. Now we come to our plan of attack. It 
 is very simple. I shall lead flanking parties 
 against the enemy's right and left wing and head 
 a furious charge against the centre. A small de- 
 tachment of picked men under my personal com- 
 mand will go out in advance and feel out the 
 enemy. As for the rear guard and train that 
 shall be my own concern. Between operations I 
 shall write full account of the battle for several 
 newspaper syndicates with which I have signed 
 contracts. Is there anything I have overlooked.^" 
 
 It was the Forester who spoke up. "There's 
 the band music for the triumphal return from 
 Chicago." 
 
 The Red Knight smiled indulgently. "That is 
 already composed and orchestrated. I may re- 
 vise it a bit while I am dictating terms to the 
 enemy. So that is all. You may go, gentlemen." 
 
 "But how about me.^" said Alice, of whose 
 presence the Red Knight had been quite oblivious. 
 Her feelings were hurt, and she was on the point 
 of crying. 
 
 "Why, sure enough, there you are, Alice," said 
 the Red Knight. "I think you had better go to 
 the rear till it's all over. The fight may last till 
 
Through the Outlooking Glass 37 
 
 ten o'clock, and that's no hour for one of your age 
 to be out of bed." 
 
 "I will never leave you!" cried Alice. "Under 
 no circumstances. There's no one else like you 
 in the whole world." 
 
 The Red Knight smiled and stroked her hair. 
 "Very well, then. I'll tell you what we'll do. 
 You don't ride a horse, do you?" 
 
 "I never learned/' she said. , 
 
 "It doesn't matter," said the Red Knight.^ "No 
 horse could keep up with me, anyhow. We'll get 
 you a taxicab and you can keep right by my side. 
 
 But Alice now had her qualms. "Is it very 
 dangerous?" she asked. 
 
 "Dangerous where I am?" laughed the Red 
 Knight. "You'll be just as safe as in your own 
 little bed. Nobody ever stands up against me, 
 Alice. At the first sight of me they turn and run. 
 That's what makes the present obstinate behavior 
 of the enemy so peculiarly infamous." 
 
 CHAPTER XVII 
 
 They were once more on the Chicago Flyer, 
 this time on the wav East, and Alice looking out 
 of the window, saw that within a few minutes they 
 would be in New York. The Red Knight lay 
 back in his chair, almost as worn and pale as 
 after that terrible battle in North Dakota, when 
 he fell off so often on his head. 
 
 "A drink of water, please, Alice," said the 
 Red Knight. 
 
38 Through the Outloohing Glass 
 
 They had mislaid their individual drinking- 
 cupS;, so Alice brought him some water in his hel- 
 met^ and after he had drunk, she bathed his fore- 
 head with the rest. 
 
 "Well, it was a hard fight/' said the Red 
 Knight. "But we won." 
 
 "Do you think so.^" said Alice, greatly sur- 
 prised. 
 
 "We must have won/' said the Red Knight. 
 "We couldn't help it. Look at it yourself. My 
 motives were of the very highest, my followers 
 were the best men in the coiuitry, my strategy 
 was absolutely faultless. There wasn't a mistake 
 or an oversight. So, of course, I must have won." 
 
 "But I am really afraid," said Alice, "that the 
 others think they came out best." 
 
 "That was part of my game," said the Red 
 Knight. "Let them sink in the quicksands of 
 their own delusions. Let them go on thinking 
 they have nominated some one else. Let them go 
 ahead and elect him. Let the fact be set down 
 in the school histories. What does it all prove? 
 Nothing." 
 
 The train came to a stop and Alice and the Red 
 Knight took a taxicab for the latter's place of 
 business. The time had come to say good-by. 
 They stood at the door of the Outlooking Glass 
 office, iust as the edition was being made up. 
 From the pressrooms to the editorial rooms all was 
 animation. The chief editor was shooting copy 
 up th^ tubes as fast as the office boys could write 
 it. The I'ltest advertisements were coming in over 
 the wirp The desk men were waiting for the edi- 
 
Through the Outlooking Glass 39 
 
 torial writers to finish their comments on the 
 week's news before setting down the facts. 
 
 Alice turned to shake hands with the Red 
 Knight. It had been an exciting time, and she 
 was tired and very, anxious to be at home with 
 mamma. But she had grown fond of her comrade 
 in the Outlooking Glass. When she was back 
 again at her stupid lessons, studying that 2 and 2 
 makes 4, and that "yes" is affirmative and "no" 
 is negative, and that black is black and white is 
 white, oh, how she would miss the Red Knight. 
 
 But she was very brave, and, stretching out her 
 hand, she said, "Goodby." 
 
 The Red Knight pressed her hand affection- 
 ately. 
 
 "I wish vou would write something in my little 
 pocket album," said Alice, trying to keep back 
 her tears. 
 
 "Gladly," said the Red Knight, and taking the 
 book he wrote: 
 
 Never put off till to-morrow 
 A thing you can get to-day. 
 
 "Thank you," said Alice. "I don't suppose we 
 shall ever meet again." 
 
 "Well, there's 1916," said the Red Knight. 
 "Shall we say four years from now on Lincoln's 
 birthday?" 
 
 "But there would be no use trying," said Alice. 
 
 "You could help me a great deal, you know." 
 said the Red Knight. "By that time women wi 
 be voting evervwhere. On the one hand there will 
 
40 Through the Outloohing Glass 
 
 be woman's new privileges to discuss, and on the 
 other hand there will be her new responsibilities. 
 My hat is still good for something." 
 
 "No, no, no," said Alice. "I don't want you to 
 go campaigning any more. The fact is, you are 
 not as strong as you used to be." 
 
 "Suppose it is a fact, what difference does it 
 make?" said the Red Knight. 
 
 But Alice would not listen. "Why must you 
 always be fighting.^ Why not leave that for 
 younger people, and let everybody remember you 
 at your best?" 
 
 "A man must do something exciting," said the 
 Red Knight. 
 
 "Of course he must," said Alice. "I hope, and 
 I'm sure we all hope, you will go on contributing 
 for 3^ears and years and years. Good-by." 
 
 Her eyes were wet with tears as she sprang 
 backwards through the Outlooking Glass. The 
 Red Knight vanished. She was home again, home 
 in the dear old room with the big reading lamp on 
 the table, and mamma busy with the baby's 
 things, and father asleep over a copy of the Al- 
 drich Monetary Report. 
 
 "Oh mamma," she cried. 
 
 "What is it, Alice?" said her mother. 
 
 "I have such a headache, mamma. I have been 
 in politics." 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 013 982 477 5 
 
 By the Same Author 
 
 THE PATIENT 
 OBSERVER 
 
 Light Stldies ix Ev fry day Life 
 
 Reprinted from The Evening Post 
 
 THE charm Jnp: series of essays which 
 have attracted many readers to the 
 New York I'.vtninK Post, iwi.' here to be 
 found in a houiid volunje. These witty 
 and thonsrhlful hicubrationsmay hence- 
 forth l)e counted as a "permanent pos- 
 session." and be stored on a book-shelf 
 instead of wanderinjr rounii as fugitive 
 leavi's. Tliere is hardly an essayist of the 
 present day in this ecuintry whose work 
 seems iH-tt'-rdistTvinK of preservation. 
 —The Litkraby Dicest 
 
 WITH the coniins of "The Patient 
 Observer" a new — an«l true- 
 humorist enters the lU-hl of Anuriean 
 literature. — Nkw Yokk Ti.mks 
 
 DODD, MEAD-^CO 
 
 $il.QO Vf'f