~)eni&orii ^Royalty 'Playi ( f£y by Frederick Q.Johnson HT.S. Tfenteon & Company ^Publhhen • Chicago Vrice SO CenU y/ikv Plays for Schools and Colleges AARON BOGQS, FRESHMAN By Walter Ben Hare. Comedy in 3 acts; 8 males, 8 females. Time, 2% hours. Price, 35 Cents, AFTER THE GAME By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 2 acts; 1 male, 9 females. Time, 1% hours. Price, 25 Cents. ALL A MISTAKE ~ By W. C. Parker. Farce-comedy in 3 acts; 4 males, 4 females. Time, 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. ALL ON ACCOUNT OF POLLY By Harry L. Newton. Comedy in 3 acts; 6 males, 10 females. Time, 2% hours. Price, 35 Cents. AS A WOMAN THINKETH By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Comedy in 3 acts; 9 males, 7 females. Time, 2% hours. Price, 35 Cents. AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 6 males, 14 fe- males. Time, 2 1 / 4r hours. Price, 35 Cents. THE CLASS SHIP By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Commencement play- let; 3 males, 8 females. Time, 35 minutes. " ""' ^_ Price, 25 Cents. CLUBBING A HUSBAND By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Comedy in 3 acts: 12 fe- males. Time, 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. A COLLEGE TOWN* By Walter Ben Hare. Farce-comedy in 3 acts; 9 males, 8 females. Time, 2% hours. Price, 35 Cents. THE DEACON ENTANGLED ~~ By Harry Osborne. Comedy in 3 acts; 6 males, 4 fe- males. Time, 2 hours. ~ Price, 35 Cents. AN EARLY BIRD "~~ 1 ~ By Walter B. Hare. Comedy in 3 acts; 7 males, 7 fe- males. Time, 2%. hours. Price, 35 Cents. THE FIFTEENTH OF JANUARY By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 11 males, 10 females. Time, 2*4 hours. Price, ^5 Cents. THE GRADUATE'S CHOICE By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Commencement plaj'let; 12 females. Time, 35 minutes. Price, 25 Cents. TVS. Denison & Company, Publishers 154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO MARY'S MILLIONS OCT '8 1920 MARY'S MILLIONS A Comedy in Three Acts BY Frederick G. Johnson AUTHOR OF "At Harmony Junction,'' "The Battle of Rollin' Bones," "Foiled, By Heck!" "Gimme Them Papers!" "Good Morning, Teacher, " "It Might Happen, " "The School of Detecting, " "Such Ignorance, " "The Press Agent's Handbook, " etc. "A Laugh's the Wisest, Easiest Answer to All That's Queer." -Moby Dick CHICAGO T. S. DENISON & COMPANY Publishers PS3519 1920 (Please Read Carefully^ HE PROFESSIONAL STAGE-RIGHTS in this play are strictly reserved and all applications for its use should be addressed to the publishers. Amateurs may obtain fj permission to produce it on payment of a ::ee of fifteen dollars ($15.00) for each perform- ance, in advance. Correspondence on this subject should be addressed to T. S. Denison & Company, 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago, 111. ^> -^> "^> c/lttention is called to the penalties provided by the Copyright Law of the United States of America in force July 1, 1909, for any infringe- ment of the owner's rights, as follows : SEC. 28. That any person who willfully and for profit shall infringe any copyright secured by this Act, or who shall knowingly and willfully aid or abet such infringement, shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon convic- tion thereof shall be punished by imprisonment for not exceeding one year or by a fine of not less than one hundred dollars nor more than one thousand dollars, or both, in the discretion of the court. <^> -v> ^> COPYRIGHT, 1920, BY FREDERICK G. JOHNSON GALL RIGHTS RESERVED CJ.D 55729 MARY'S MILLIONS CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY. Men. Jack Henderson • A Civil Engineer for the Consolidated Air Line. Jimmie Barnes His Friend from New York, Who Deals in Stocks and Hearts. Ezra Stoneham Mary's Uncle and Guardian; Storekeeper and Post- master. Abija Boggs A Human Flivver ; He Can Do Anything. Count Victor De Seeees Another Reason for a Protective Tariff. Women. Mrs. Jane Stoneham Ezra's Better Half, Who Has Ambitions. Eudora Smith The Stonehams' Hired Gal. Countess Loea De Seeees The Right Kind of a Sister for Victor. Mrs. Amanda Mudge Wedded to Her Ouija Board. Betty Bareowe The School Teacher at Rocky Hollozv. Mary Manners A Ward of the Stonehams, and an Heiress to Millions. Members of the Choir Place — Rocky Hollow, a New England Village. Time — The Present. 5 MARY'S MILLIONS. Time of Playing — About Two and One-quarter Hours. Synopsis of Scenes. Act I. Inside the Rocky Hollow Post Office and General Store. Act II. The Strawberry Festival on the Village Green. That evening. Act III. Same as Act I. Two days later. CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES. Jack — Aged 25. Country raised and college bred. He makes no effort to conceal his rural origin. And his speech and manner both reveal his natural rug- gedness. Honest and straightforward, assertive in everything but his love affair with Mary. Flannel shirt, open at the neck ; khaki breeches or corduroys ; high laced boots ; old felt hat, for Act I. White flannel trousers, dark blue jacket and Panama hat, for Act II. Optional for Act III. Jimmie — Aged 25. A breezy, slangy, happy-go- lucky "city" type; sometimes irresponsible, and always looking on the lighter side of life, but essen- tially a fine young fellow, and a faithful friend. Out- ing suit of mixed goods (or with knickerbockers and golf stockings if preferred), quiet plaid cap, low shoes and silk socks, for Act I. White serge or Palm Beach suit (or similar costume to Jack's), with stiff straw hat, for Act II. Any informal suit for Act III. Ezra — Aged 50. Tall, gaunt, stoop-shouldered, of sour disposition, and totally bereft of spunk until his self-emancipation in Act III. Wrinkled, ill-fit- MARY'S MILLIONS. ting clothing, and dingy shoes ; generally appears without his coat. Is afflicted with a high collar and an ancient Prince Albert coat in Act II. Pale make- up ; spectacles. Abu a — Aged 60. Old in wisdom, but young in spirits ; he generally conceals his shrewdness beneath a self-assumed rustic stupidity, because he enjoys laughing and being laughed at. The character should be played in such a manner that its strength gradu- ally and consistently develops, reaching a winning climax in the final act. His affection for Eudora is something that is understood rather than expressed. He is always kindly and lovable, even when he strives to be fierce. The part affords limitless opportunity for the skilled and sympathetic character actor. His costume throughout the play includes an old, faded denim shirt, with the cuffs rolled back; an old vest, only partially buttoned, so that he can easily turn it back to reveal the badge which is pinned inside ; patched trousers, tucked into cow-hide boots ; slouch hat. Hale and hearty make-up, with few wrinkles ; semi-bald or gray wig; smooth-shaven or short gray goatee. Victor — Aged 35. A hot-house product. Gen- erally bored, and when in action, too effusive to be sincere. Generally looking to Lola for instructions as to his next move. Incapable of thinking or acting independently. Wears cutaway coat, striped trous- ers, patent leather shoes, gray spats, silk hat, for Act I. Always carries a cane, and wears a flower on his lapel. Evening clothes for Act II. Same, dirty and bedraggled, for Act III. Short mustache and goatee. Jane — Aged 45. Her effusive manner fails to con- 8 MARY'S MILLIONS. ceal the egotism, selfish ambition and grasping nature which actuate her in everything she does. She is fond of assuming a dignified and cultured bearing which is anything but natural. Thin lips and a deter- mined jaw betray the heartlessness which expresses itself in her treatment of Mary, and her abuse of her too-patient husband. Her costumes are a trifle ex- treme, and not in the best taste. Details optional. Eudora — Aged 35. A rural spinster whose life has not been happy enough to keep her from being sarcastic and suspicious. But her tartness is semi- artificial, and everyone likes her for her quickness of wit and goodness of heart. She is neither handsome nor homely. As the head of a household, she has possibilities. Properly played, the character will have a vague touch of wist fulness that is felt rather than noticed. Hair combed straight back and knot- ted. Plain gingham dress, for Acts I and III. Gala costume, country style, for Act II. Lola — Aged 28. Her beauty is of the type that is dashing rather than ingenuous. Winning but worldly, her appeal to the eye does not win the heart. She is suave and resourceful, but she is a bit too smooth to be wholly genuine. Handsome travel cos- tume, with vanity case and parasol, for Act I. Stun- ning evening gown for Act II. An informal costume for Act III. Mrs. Mudge — Aged 40. A well-meaning, moth- erly soul, who has recently become addicted to spirits of the ouija variety. She expects all others to share her fervor, and is riding her hobby to the speed limit. This has made her so self-centered that she is rather difficult to endure. Black silk dress, and bonnet trimmed with jet, throughout the play. MARY'S MILLIONS. Betty — Aged £2. She has plenty of good com- mon sense, but she hasn't quite outgrown being a youngster, and the result is pleasing and attractive. Simple but fetching summer dresses for Acts I and III. Conservative evening dress with a bright col- ored scarf, or entire Romany costume, for Act II. Mary — Aged 20. Irresistibly winsome, but al- ways struggling against her natural inclination to- ward Jack because of the feeling that she must obey her aunt in all things, which Jane has been drilling into her for years. This conflict between her own impulses and her aunt's domination must be clearly registered, in order to create the complete sympathy which is essential. Summer traveling suit for Act I. Evening gown for Act II. Dainty informal summer frock for Act III. Members of the Choir — Their number is op- tional. They appear only at the opening of Act II. Costumes and make-up, diversified country style. (Note — This play is most successful when all the parts are played in legitimate, realistic fashion, so that its characters appear as real human beings, and not burlesque clowns. Heart interest, which is all- important, will be sacrificed, if laughs are striven for too hard. Strive always to create an atmosphere of reality, in action as well as in setting.) LIST OF PROPERTIES. Jack — Pipe and tobacco; matches; telegram. Jimmie — Fifty-cent piece. Ezra — Telegram; coat to put on. Boggs — Large pocket knife ; soft pine stick to whit- tle ; mail-sack ; handsome traveling bags ; buggy whip ; constable's badge ; handcuffs and keys. 10 MARY'S MILLIONS. Victor — Cane. Eudora— Broom ; dustcloth. Lola — Long envelope with certificates. Mrs. Mudge — Ouija board and planchette. Betty — Handkerchief. Mary — Pearl necklace. Members of Choir — Sheets of paper for music. For stage props, see descriptions of settings. SCENE PLOT. Acts I and III. Exterior Back ing R.E. [ zines Interior EF7 1 Shelves \ \ \ tP k ■a ' Counter L. E. V^, p. o. Window D W High\_\ \ Soap Boxes Desk -*- Act II. Informal Garden or Wood Drop Wings La wn Te nt Wings Wings X Wings Wings □ Light Chair Rustic Bench .... 1 Wings STAGE DIRECTIONS. R. means right of stage ; C, center ; R. C, right center ; X., left ; 1 E., first entrance ; U. E., upper entrance ; R. 3 E., rignt entrance, up stage, etc. ; up stage, away from footlights ; down stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. MARY'S MILLIONS The First Act. Scene : Interior of the post office and general store at Rocky Hollow; a "kitchen" or "rough interior" set may be used. At the right of the rear flat- an outside door, swinging in, reveals a glimpse of landscape. It is equipped with an old-fashioned bar which drops into place to fasten, but the door remains open except at the close of Act I. Up left in the side flat a doorway leads into the residence portion of the building. This door may have a curtain, or may remain entirely open. Against the rear flat are shelves containing general store commodities, such as canned goods, cracker tins, etc., and a number of empty pasteboard boxes. A similar one contains a pair of leather shoe laces. A short distance in front of the shelves is a store counter extending nearly the entire distance be- tween the two doors. At the right end is a post office pigeon-hole rack. A few grocery supplies are thrown carelessly on the counter. Down left a high, sloping desk stands against the flat, with a high stool. On the desk are ledger, ink well and pen. Down stage, left of center, is an old-fash- ioned "air-tight" stove, with a couple of empty soap boxes nearby. Against the right flat is an- other tier of shelves containing store goods. On clips hung to this fixture, or on a sales rack down right, is a magazine display. Hanging on a wire or rope stretched across stage overhead are a number 11 12 MARY'S MILLIONS. of market baskets, oil cans, milk pails, etc. The stage is further dressed with several flour barrels, a rack of brooms, a plow or cultivator, etc. On the walls are several farm implement agency signs, a large insurance calendar showing the month of August, and a country sale poster. Off stage, right, is a pair of cocoanut shells for hoof-beat effect. (In dressing this set it will be well to enlist the co- operation of a local grocery store and a hardware store. There are many dummy displays furnished to grocers which are light and easily handled, and very effective. Many business houses gladly lend the required articles in exchange for a credit line on the program, reading: "Stage properties for Acts I and III by courtesy of ," etc.) The curtain rises upon Boggs and Eudora. Boggs is seated on a box slightly down stage from, and to R. of the stove. He is whittling industriously. Eudora is sweeping a few small empty boxes and crumpled papers out from behind L. end of counter. _. Boggs. Makin' a lot o' dust, ain't ye, Eudora ? Eudora. (Tartly.) No. I ain't makin' it. I'm jest gettin' rid of it. (Looks at Boggs.) Never see so much trash around this here store in all my life. Boggs. (Looking up at her.) Hey? Oh, you mean all this here mess on the floor. (Whittles faster than ever.) Yep. It sure is the untidiest place I seen in a long while. MARY'S MILLIONS. 13 EUDORA. Abija Boggs, your lay claim to knowin' somethin' about playin' checkers, don't you? Boggs. Waal, I cal'late as how I do. Oh, you mean it's my move, eh? (Chuckles.) Eudora, you do say the durndest things! Ain't we a couple of cut-ups? (She takes the stick from him and starts to put it in the stove. ) Hey, girl, leave that there stick be ! I spent pretty nigh an hour fin din' that piece of white pine. (Takes it from her.) Women is the extravagantest critters! (Folds knife and puts it with stick in hip pocket.) ^ r ' Eudora. Say, ain't you got nothin' to do but lay around the store all day? Boggs. I ain't layin' around the store. I'm layin' around the post office. Haw, haw! How d'ye like that? Eudora. I don't like it for a cent, if you ask me. Boggs. That ain't no nice way to talk to a customer. Eudora. You ain't a customer. You're a pesky nuisance. (Resumes sweeping.) Jimmie enters unnoticed, R. E. Boggs. (Chuckling.) Oh, Eudora, you do say the durndest things! (Sees Jimmie.) Hello, Mr. Barnes. How's stocks and bonds today? 14 MARY'S MILLIONS. JlMMIE. (Cheerfully.) Well, when I get another customer, that'll be one, a »y wa y- boggs. Folks around here don't cotton to New York fi- nance, I reckon. Patent fly trap or a spavin remedy is peddled easier in this neck o' the woods. Must be kind o' slow for a city feller, ain't it? Jimmie. Slow? Why, say — I've been having more excite- ment since I landed here than they did the night Rome caught fire ! „ ° Boggs. Sellin' stocks and bonds? Jimmie. Well— no. JOOGGS. Nope. Guess not. When a up-an'-comin' young feller lays down on the job an' puts a bright future behind him an' jest moons around like a sick calf — Jimmie. What do you mean? Boggs. Oh, nothin'. Only peddlin' paper ain't always as excitin' as chasin' calico. Jimmie. You better stay in out of the sun. When I go after a side partner, she's going to be a live-wire lady from a high-tension town. No corn fed beauties for mine. No, old boy, you've got me all wrong. I kind of like this down on the farm stuff. Just tak- ing a little vacation — that's all. MARY'S MILLIONS. 15 BOGGS. (Nodding his head.) Yep. Vacation — like a cow's hind foot! {Shrewd- ly.) I know all about these financiers. They work while you sleep. You're playin' for the party with the millions-. {Winks wisely.) Oh, I got chuh, Steve, I got chuh! JlMmE {Eagerly.) Millions? Say — honest — is there anybody in this one-horse town that has a million dollars? Boggs. Sure. Lots of 'em. Lots o' millions, I mean ; not lots o' people. T Jimmie. What's his name, and where is he? Boggs. {Deliberately.) His name ain't a him. It's a her. And she's in New York. But, say young feller, you'll have a tough time — Mrs. Mudge enters, R. E. She has an intense manner that sweeps everything and everybody aside, and her neighbors have learned to give way to her. Boggs resumes whittling. Mrs. Mudge. Oh, Mr. Stoneham! Mr. Stoneham! Is the mail in y et? EUDORA. {Indifferently.) No, ma'am, the mail ain't in yet, an' neither is Mr. Stoneham. He's down to the deppo. Mrs. Mudge. This is a fine post office! 16 MARY'S MILLIONS. BOGGS. {Placidly.) Yep. Ain't it. Keeps stamps, an' everything. Mrs. Mudge. {Angrily; to nobody in particular.) And exposed to the insults of all the village loaf- ers ! I'm going to report it to the postmaster gen- eral! {Exit, R. E., in a huff.) Boggs. Say, Mr. Barnes, did she mean you, or me? Jimmie. {Laughing.) Why, she must have meant you. Boggs. {Laughing with him.) 'Zat so? I kind o' figgered she meant you. I didn't do nothin'. _, hjJJVORA. {Bringing broom from behind counter.) For once, you're both right! {Points to door.) Now beat it, you lazy hayseed, and do your rail splitting outside! ^ JjOGGS. {Chuckling, pockets knife and stick, and starts for door.) Eudora, you do say the durndest things! {Exit Jimmie. What's the matter, sister? Been drinking lemon juice? _, iLUDORA. I ain't your sister. If I was, I'd drink sulphuric acid! Jimmie. {Tolerantly.) Well, well! MARY'S MILLIONS. 17 EUDORA. Two holes in the ground — and both empty — like some folks's heads ! T Jimmie. Don't blame Abija. He means well. Eudora. I didn't say nothin' about Abija Boggs. I can take care o' him. T Jimmie. Hm. So I've noticed. Say, Eudora — Eudora. Miss Smith, if you please! Jimmie. Quite so, Miss Smith. Abija was talking about somebody around here who has a million dollars. He said it was some lady who — Eudora. Well, it must be some other lady, so 'tain't no use makin' no love to me. Jimmie. Aw, sister, listen here. I don't want to make love. All I want is just — Eudora. All you want is the million dollars. I've read books, I have, about these slick rascals from' the city. Jimmie. You've got me all wrong. What's the name of this million-dollar doll? Maybe I could sell her some- thing. Eudora. Yes, and maybe she could hand you something. Say, if you're on the lookout for a simple little milk- maid, or something like that, you'll overlook her. She ain't interested in gold bricks. She's been brung 18 MARY'S MILLIONS. up in the city, and knowed more'n you do afore she started. Jimmie. (Scratching his cheek reflectively.') I don't seem to be getting very far with you. Eudora. Ain't many folks that does get very far with me, if anybody should ask you. Jimmie. I just asked you a simple question. Eudora. Simple is right. Enter Jack, R. E. Jimmie. Well, then, a civil question. Eudora. (Seeing Jack.) A civil question? Ask your friend. He's a civil engineer. I'm busy. (Turns attention to arranging* stoeJc, etc.) T J Jack. Hello, Jimmie! What are you doing here? Jimmie. (A little out of patience.) What does it look as if I'm doing? Losing my heart to the village vampire? I'm waiting for the mail. „ Eudora. Humh! More like waitin' for the female, if any- body should ask me! Jack. Eudora, do you figure you can find me a pair of good tough shoe-laces in this big department store? MARY'S MILLIONS. 19 EuDORA. I might, if I looked for 'em. Then again, I mightn't. (Starts searching through boxes on shelves.) jACK (To JlMMIE.) Busted one of these new rawhide laces plumb in two, running a line over beyond the ridge. Jimmie, old boy, this Consolidated Air Line right-of-way is sure tough on the feet. But it'll be a great line when it's finished. T Jimmie. Oh, cut out the shop talk for a minute. I want you to help me find a girl. Jack. Ain't losing your old skill, are you, Jimmie? Looks to me like you found several on your own hook since you been here. Been having a scrap with the little school marm? Jimmie. Nix, nix! This is a certain party I'm looking for. Jack. Well, who is it? I know everybody around here. I'll introduce you. Jimmie. That's the funny part. These yaps won't — (Eudora drops a large box on the floor and looks daggers at Jimmie, who turns and looks, laughs good-naturedly, and continues.) These folks won't tell me who she is. Seem to think I'm going to climb the porch and steal her costly jewels, or something. Said she was worth a million dollars. And here I am — the well known Jimmie Barnes, stocks, bonds and preferred securities — hanging around here, not taking in anything but the sights, and with a cus- 20 MARY'S MILLIONS. tomer in view that I might make enough commis- sions on to buy myself a yacht ! All they'll tell me is that Stonehampton has a millionairess among those present, and when I ask them who it is, they give me the jolly razz. Say, Jack — are these goofs kid- ding me — or what? Jack {Seriously, and somewhat depressed.) No, old man, they ain't kidding you. She's worth millions, all right. (His face lights with enthusi- asm.) And believe me, pardner, she is worth millions —and then some! j IMMIE . (Whistles in surprise.) Whew! Then she isn't just some old maid party, with a few pennies hid away in a sock? I thought they were handing me the well-known bunk. But don't stall me the way these birds do. What's her fair name and address, and all that sort of thing? Eudoea. (Interrupting.) Here's y'r shoe laces, Mr. Henderson. Sorry I couldn't seem to find 'em no sooner. Jack. Thanks. I hope they last longer than the last ones. (Pays for purchase.) Jimmie. (Going toward him.) Listen, Jack — t? tt ™^ . (Guilelessly.) Looks kind o' like rain, don't it, Mr. Henderson? Jack. (Looking through outside door.) Hanged if it doesn't ! I'd better hike across and — '(Starts to go.) MARY'S MILLIONS. 21 JlMMIE. Wait a minute, old timer. I want to ask you — Jack. Left my instruments standing out. I'd be in a fix if they got soused. Reckon we'll have to talk about that some other time, Jimmie. (Exit hastily, R. E.) Jimmie. (Looking after him.) Well, I'll be — (Turns to Eudora). Say, what is this — a conspiracy in restraint of trade? Enter Boggs, R. E. Eudora. Does look kind o' showery, don't it, Mr. Barnes. Jimmie. (Exploding with impatience; turns suddenly.) Oh, rats! (Exit, R. E.) BoGGS. Haw, haw! Eudora, you do say the durndest things ! What's Jack's friend so all fired peevish about? (Pulls up a box by the stove, sits, and starts whittling.) ^ Eudora. You started it. _, Boggs. Me? Eudora. Tellin' him about Mary's millions, an' not sayin' who she was. _ Boggs. Oh, didn't I tell him it was old Stoneham's niece that had the spondoolicks ? Eudora. No. An' he pestered the life out o' me to find out. 22 MARY'S MILLIONS. BOGGS. Well, why didn't you tell him? Eudora. He's too durn fresh. That's why ! Then he asked Jack, an' I switched him off before he could tell him. That feller ain't sold no stock sence he got here, and now he's found they's somebody that has money, his curiosity is bustin' him wide open. Serves him right, the big — the big — yap ! Boggs. Waal, he'll find out, soon enough. Mary'll be comin' back some o' these days, they say. When Miz' Stoneham left town she said she was goin' to New York to see Mary finish her eddication at the varnishin' school. „ EUDORA. Finishin' school, you punkin-head; not varnishin' school ! _» Boggs. Why not varnishin' school? Ezry says they sent their niece there to get a good polish. My, my ! Who'd ever have thought that those wuthless pasture lands old Pete Manners had down in Texas would ever spout ile an' give his daughter hundreds of dollars — • _, Eudora. Hundreds? Millions, you mean — three million dollars. _ Boggs. Waal, what's the difference? (Looks off R.) Hello, here comes the old man now. And he ain't got no mail sack. -^ . D 7-. Ezra enters, H. k,. Boggs. Mornin, Mr. Postmaster. What's the matter with the U. S. mail? MARY'S MILLIONS. 23 Ezra. Train's late. Say, Bije, as the leadin' an' only hack driver in this here metropolis, you better hustle your old skate down to the deppo. Special party gettin' off. She'll be in afore long. Just got a tellygram. BoGGg (Rises.) Do tell! Who's the extinguished visitor? Ezra. Got no time for chewin' the rag. Don't be late for the train. „ Boggs. More city folks, I'll bet a doughnut. Waal, busi- ness is business. (Puts knife and stick in hip pocket, and exit R. E.) Ezra (Calls out the door.) Don't forget to fetch the mail sack, Bije! Boggs. (Off stage.) Giddap, gal! (Hoof patter off stage, fading rapidly.) Ezra. Eudory, I jest got a tellygram from Miz' Stone- ham. She'll be in on the flier. Eudora. Lands sake ! I ain't got the dishes done yet. Ezra. Well, you better get a move on. (Eudora starts for L. E.) Wait a minute! (Eudora stops and turns. ) Mary's comin' with her. Eudora. (Delightedly.) What ? Mary comin' back ? Why, I ain't seen her 24 MARY'S MILLIONS. for near two year? My, my ! I got to get the place all red up. (Starts again.) Ezra. Wait a minute. (Eudora stops.) She says — she says — (fumbles in vest pocket and finds tele- gram.) She says, "Prepare for guests," (to him- self) an' that means I can't set around the house with my boots off. (To Eudora.) Well, what you waitin' for? I'll mind the store. (Starts working at ledger at high desk, L. Eudora exits L. E.) Betty enters, R. E. Betty. Any letters for me, Mr. Stoneham? Ezra. Mail ain't in yet. Train's late. Mrs. Mudge enters, R. E. Betty amuses herself casually at the magazine stand. Mrs. Mudge. Mail come in? I?™, jlzra. (Without looking up.) ° pe ' Mrs. Mudge. I never saw such service! Well, I must go back to my psychic research. I've just had the spirit of Jesse James on the ouija board, and he gave me a wonderful message — simply wonderful! (Exit R. E.) Ezra. (Turns to Betty.) Crazy as a bedbug ! Betty. (Laughing.) Don't you believe in spirits, Mr. Stoneham? MARY'S MILLIONS. 25 Ezra. I believe in sperrits, but I ain't seen none sence the country went dry. (Resumes work at ledger.) Jimmie enters, R. E. Jimmie. Hello, Betty. _, J Ezra. (Without looking up.) Huh? Jimmie. I mean Miss Barlowe. I thought I saw you come in. I want to ask you something. Betty. (With a trace of embarrassment, and glancing at Ezra.) Oh — do you? Well, er — Ezra. (Looks at them keenly, then sniffs, as if to indi- cate his contempt for flirtations.) Hm! Guess they won't be no customers till the mail's in. I'll go an' see what the hired girl's up to. (Exit, L. E.) Betty. (Somewhat in a flutter.) What was it you wanted to ask me — Jimmie? Jimmie. Why, it's about a girl. I'm looking for a girl. Betty. {Miffed.) And you can't find one? Mr. Barnes, you have my sympathy. And you want me to help you find her, I suppose? _ Jimmie. (Missing her sarcasm.) Sure, That's the big idea. 26 MARY'S MILLIONS. __ Betty. {Indignantly.) Well, I never! j IMMIE . {Seeing his blunder.) Listen, girlie, you've made a miscue. What I want is just to — {Hoof patter off stage.) Boggs. {Off stage.) Whoa there, gal. Here we be, folks ! Eudora enters, L. E., with broom in one hand and dustcloth in the other. She hurries excitedly across towards R. E. ^ L.UDORA. They've come, Mr. Stoneham, they've come! Hurry up and see Mary ! ( Just inside R. E., looking out, she stands on one foot, nervously rubbing her ankle with the other.) Jimmie. Well, if life isn't just one blanked interruption after another ! ( While Jimmie is speaking, Ezra hustles on from L. E. He is struggling into his coat, to which he is obviously unaccustomed.) Ezra. Hey, Eudory, stop scratchin' ! Hain't you got no comp'ny manners? {Exit R. E.) Jimmie. {To Betty.) Looks as if we're just in time for the convention. Wonder who the conquering hero is? Boggs enters, R. E., laden with mail bag and all the luxurious traveling equipment he can carry. He puts them down and goes out again, R. E. MARY'S MILLIONS. 27 Mary. (Offstage.) Hello, Uncle Ezra. Mary enters, R. E. Mary. Hello, Eudora. (Embraces her.) Betty. (Forgetting all about Jimmie.) Mar y ! mahy. Betty, you darling! (They run to each other and embrace.) Oh, my dear, I'm so glad to see you! Why weren't you at the station? Betty. Didn't know you were coming till I saw you this minute. Why didn't you write? Mary. I decided suddenly to come back with Aunt Jane. And she invited some friends of mine to come back with us — Count De Selle's and his sister, Countess De Selles. _ Betty. Count De Selles? He sounds French! Mary. He'll sound Frencher than that when you hear him talk. (Aside to her.) Who's the attractive man over there? (Indicates Jimmie.) Betty. (Feigning indifference.) Him? Oh, just some friend of Jack's. But where's the French count ? Mary. Bother the Count! He's outside somewhere, I 28 MARY'S MILLIONS. suppose, with Aunt Jane. {Eagerly.) Where's Jack ? t, Betty. 0-ho! It's Jack you came back to see, is it? Mary. Of course not, silly! I just wondered. Betty. But my dear, how stunning you are ! And that pearl necklace — it must have cost a fortune. Mary. {Idly fingering the necklace.) Oh, I suppose ; ten thousand or something like that. I forget. .~ ° Betty. Imagine ! But the money hasn't spoiled you — you're the same old darling girl. {Puts arm around her affectionately.) Boggs enters with more baggage, from R. E. Boggs. They do say he's a real live count ! Jane, Victor and Lola enter. Eitdora watches Lola with awestruck interest. Jane. {To Mary.) Oh, here you are, dear. You are not forgetting your guests? {To Victor and Lola.) And this, Count, is the post office. Victor. . {Visibly bored.) Ah, ze post office. How intairesting ! Ezra enters, R. E., and during the ensuing dia- logue stands effacingly in the background, betraying MARY'S MILLIONS. 29 uncertainty and uneasiness. After a few moments he shrugs his shoulders, thrusts his hands in his pockets and exits L. E. Lola. Ah, oui! Is it not, my brozair? Very — what you say ?— picturesque ! Maey> Countess De Selles, Miss Barlowe — my very best friend. -r, Betty. It is a pleasure. ,, r Mary. Betty, allow me to present Count Victor De Selles. Victor. (Bowing low over Betty's hand.) Ze delight most exquiseet ! Jane. And now shall we enter our humble home? Per- haps, Countess, you wish to rest? Lola. (Artfully hooking her parasol in Victor's pocket and drawing him away from Betty.) Ah, well, Madame, ze journey does make ze fatigue. (To Victor, significantly, and raising her eyebrows.) Is it not so, my brozair? Victor. (Reluctantly.) Ah, oui. It would be ze delight. Jane. (Grandly, to Eudora.) Eudora, you will assist Boggs with the — er — lug- gage. Come, Mary. (She goes toward L. E., fol- lowed by Lola and Victor.) You will understand, of course, Count and Countess, that we live here in unpretentious surroundings that are in keeping with 30 MARY'S MILLIONS. the humble sphere in which we live, and I fear you will find it very different from the gay life to which you have long been accustomed in the large cities of the world — (Jane, Lola, Mary and Victor exeunt L. E. Vic- tor is very assiduous in his attention to Mary as they go out. Boggs and Eudora follow with bag- S a 8 e -) J IM MIE (Mimicking.) It is ze delight most exquiseet ! Betty. Oh, Mr. Barnes. Are you still here? Jimmie. Sure, I'm here. Why didn't you run me in to be identified? Betty. (Artlessly.) How thoughtless of me ! You did seem interested in the Countess. But I guess you'll find a way. You generally do. T ° J Jimmie. Oh, come now, Betty. You know there's nobody at all like you. But there was something about her — Betty. (Sniffing.) ' So I noticed. Good afternoon, Mr. Barnes. (Starts toward R. E.) Jimmie. (Starting after her.) Wait a minute, Betty. I didn't mean anything. But you'll have to admit that the Countess sure does look like a million dollars — (Exit Betty, R. E., with her chin in the air. Jimmie struck by a sudden thought.) MARY'S MILLIONS. 31 A million dollars ! (Stands in silence, with his mouth open, scratching his cheek with his forefinger. His face lights up suddenly, he smiles and snaps his fingers.) Jack enUr ^ R E Jack. Say, Jimmie, what's all the excitement? Some- body trying to get a ten-dollar bill changed? Jimmie. No. We've been staging the return of the wife of the merchant prince, alias Mrs. Ezra Stoneham. Jack. Is that all? Jimmie. No, not quite all. She's brought her niece back with her. Never knew she had a niece before. Nice looking girl, too. And listen, Jack — Jack. ( Interrupting. ) You say Mary — -iMary has come? Jimmie. Sure. I guess that's her name. (Looks at Jack wonderingly. ) Why — Jack. (To himself.) Mai T ! Jimmie. (Still looking at Jack.) O-ho! So that's it, is it? (He grins knowingly.) Jack. Cut it out, Jimmie. We played together when we were kids. That's all. Jimmie. You seem to remember it pretty well. 32 MARY'S MILLIONS. Jack. (Still half lost in thought.) Yes, I do remember it — pretty well. Jimmie. (Cheerfully.) Well, nobody's dead. (Slaps Jack 011 the back.) Cheer up, old kid, and go to it. (A thought comes to him and he becomes suddenly serious.) Say ! You'd better not lose any time, at that ! Jack. What do you mean? Jimmie. She's brought a French count back with her. He looks like a head waiter, and he talks like a bottle of seltzer. T Jack. A French count? Well, I might have expected it. Jimmie. Say, stand over by the stove. Your feet are cold. Jack. You don't understand, old man. Jimmie. That's right. I've never been in love. But, oh man, you ought to see the baby sister that the Count brought along. Ooh-la-la! (Blows a kiss from his fingers.) Some baby! Jack. Thought you kind of liked the little school teacher. Jimmie. Betty? Oh, she's all to the good. But we're just good friends. When it comes to matrimony, no tall grass" girlie is anything in my young life. I'll pick my soul mate among the bright lights. MARY'S MILLIONS. 33 Jack. {Following his own line of thought.) Gee, I'd like to see Mary! JlMMIE. Well, why don't you bust in {nodding to door L.) and see her? T ' Jack. What? With all that swell company, and me in my, working clothes? I'd make a hit, I guess — not! Mary enters L. E. and stands just inside the door. Mary. Jack ! T Jack. Mary! J JlMMIE. {Taking himself by the coat lapel,) This way out, brother. {Exit R. E.) Mary. {Advancing to Jack with outstretched hand.) Oh, Jack, I'm so glad to see you. (Jack has gone eagerly to her and starts to embrace her. She pushes him gently away.) But you must remember, we aren't children any more. Jack. {Humbly.) I'll try to remember that, Mary. Mary. {Looking down at her hand in his and wondering whether to withdraw it.) I missed you when we got here. Jack. {Pleased.) Did you, honest? If I'd known you were coming, I'd have headed the reception committee. I'd have 34 MARY'S MILLIONS. built a big arch across Main Street, with letters ten feet high, saying, "Welcome home!" I'd have — (sighs deeply). Gee, I'm glad you're back! Going to stay with us now? Mary. I — I don't know. Aunt Jane invited some ac- quaintances of mine to come back with us. Jack. Hm. So I hear. Say, Mary — how about this French count? Does it mean — anything? Mary. (Not quite at her ease.) Why, Jack! What a funny question. I don't know what you mean. Jack. I mean — well, with all your new friends, and your money, and living in New York, and all, I wondered if things were — the same as they used to be? Mary. (Hesitating.) Well — lots of things are changed, of course. Things are never as they used to be, I suppose. It's a very different world, you know, when you have three million dollars to live up to. Jack. Hm! I suppose so. Mary. (Brightly.) But we're still good friends, aren't we? Jack. Friends? Is that all we are? Mary. Why, yes. Of course. What more could we be? MARY'S MILLIONS. 35 Jack. Well, I used to kind of think — you said once — Mary. Oh, don't be silly, Jack. We aren't children any more. T Jack. That's right. You're an heiress now, with a soci- ety education, and I'm just a roughneck surveyor. And it don't look like I'll ever get the hayseed combed out of my hair. Mary. {Struggling to change the subject.) I don't believe you're very glad to see me, after all, or you wouldn't want to quarrel. Jack. Not glad to see you? If you only knew how I've been thinking about you, and waiting for you, and longing for you — Jane enters L. E. Jane. Mary, your guests are inquiring about you. Mary. Oh, I'd forgotten all about them. (Jack is pleased but Jane shows open disapproval.) Come along, Jack, and meet a real live count. Jane. (Reprovingly.) My dear, how can you speak so flippantly of the nobility ? T J Jack. I guess I can wait. Don't seem to have much of a hankering for counts right now, somehow. 36 MARY'S MILLIONS. Jane. (Aside to Mary.) How many times have I told you, child, that this affair with Jack Henderson must stop? You know we have very different plans for you. (Aloud.) You forget, my dear, your guests are waiting for you. Mary. (With resignation.) All right, Aunt Jane. (Exeunt Jane and Mary, L. E. As Mary goes she drops a large pearl neck- lace near the stove.) Jimmie enters R. E. Jimmie. Say, Jack, where's the imported calico? Jack. (Listlessly.) Still in the custom house, I guess. (Nodding toward L. E.) T y Jimmie. Come on, old man, snap out of your gloomy trance. Let's go down to the "deppo" and watch the trains go by. I need excitement. Jack. (Sits on a box, takes a pipe from his pocket and fills it.) No, thanks, Jimmie. I'm going to do patrol duty riffht on this sector. T ° Jimmie. (Laughing.) Gee, but you're hit hard! (Exit.R. E.) Victor enters L. E. Looks around the floor as if searching for something. Finds necklace, stoops and picks it up. Sees Jack, looks significantly at him, smiles to himself, slips necklace in pocket and exits MARY'S MILLIONS. 37 L. E. Jack, busy lighting pipe y does not observe the incident. Jack puffs deeply, in a brown study. Mary enters L. E. Upon seeing Jack she laughs gaily. Jack rises. Mary _ Oh, what a joke! I came out here to find a sus- picious character — and I found you! Jack. Well, I guess I'm suspicious, all right. I've got a lot of suspicions. ^ I thought I dropped my necklace out here, and the Count said he would look for it. He came back and reported that he couldn't find it, but that there was a "suspicious character" in the store. And here it was you! (Laughs again.) You didn't see my neck- lace, Jack? jACK (Looking around.) Why, no, I didn't even see the Count. That's funny. It must be around here somewhere. Mary. Never mind. Maybe I dropped it in the house. (Starts L.) Jack (Putting out his hand.) Don't go, Mary. Mary (Hesitating.) Oh, I must. Auntie's waiting for me — Jack. Maybe I'm all wrong. But I've got a queer hunch. You know, Mary, three million dollars is a whole lot of money— Mary (Annoyed.) I must say you're thinking a lot lately about that old three million dollars ! 38 MARY'S MILLIONS. Jane enters L. E. Jane. Mary. (Jack turns away.) Did you find it? Mary. Find what, Aunt Jane? Jane. Why, your necklace, of course. And you're neg- lecting your friends shamefully. Boggs enters R. E. Jane. We'll be late for the festival if you. don't hurry. It takes you as long to dress as it does some folks (looking at Jack) to know when they've outstayed their welcome ! , , Mary. Very well, Aunt Jane. (Mary and Jane exeunt L. E.) Boggs. Jumpin' grasshoppers ! Looks like somebody's been gettin' the old girl all riled up. Ezry has my sympathy. An' ain't she high an' mighty, though, sence she captured that there duke? Jack. They say he's a count, Bije, not a duke. Boggs. Well, all foreign wild animals looks alike to me. They all put the same kind o' perfume on their hair. Say, Jack, goin' to the strawberry festival tonight? Jack. Guess not, Abiia. ^ J Boggs. Better come. Goin' to be the greatest doin's sence the mill dam busted. Speeches, grub — an' I've wrote the welcome song for the community choir. A leetle MARY'S MILLIONS. 39 out of my line, but the boys down at the deppo says it's the best I ever done — an' I been choirmaster of Rocky Holler for fifteen year. Bein' as you got a college education, I'd like to have your opinion — if you care to come. T J Jack. Thanks, but I guess not. It's pretty far to go — alone - Boggs. Won't have to walk a gosh durn step. I'll call fer ye an' fetch the hack right smack up to the gate. Jack. That's awfully kind of you, Abija. But say — not butting into your private affairs — how do you ever make a living out of that hack? Boggs. Waal — when you get right down to brass tacks, I cal'late I don't make a powerful sight. Nobody never pays me nothin' but you an' your friend Jim- mie. I reckon I do it more for the excitement than anything! Vzn a enters L. E. Ezra. Waal, folks, closin' up the store f'r the night. Got to get ready to take the folks to the strawberry fes- tlvaL BOGGS. (Starting for R. E.) That's right. *The more the merrier. Sorry you won't jine us, Jack. J ACK (Following Boggs.) Say, Bije, I seem to have kind of changed my mind. Guess I'll take a look at the high jinks, after all. (Looks toward L. E. as though thinking of Mary.) (Jack and Boggs are both at outside door.) 40 MARY'S MILLIONS. BOGGS. All right. I'll call around f'r ye a leetle later. (Jack and Boggs exeunt R. E., Jack leaving in one direction and Boggs in the other.) Jane pokes her head in the door L. and then enters. Jane. Well! I thought that lazy fellow would never leave! Ezra, we've got to look sharp. If we don't put a stop (strikes her fist into her palm) to love's young dream in a hurry, Jack Henderson is going to get Mary and her three million dollars, and all my plans for the dear child's future will have gone for nothing. The shameless young fortune hunter ! Ezra. How about this here count? Think he loves her for herself alone? x Jane. (With grand superiority.) Well, good things come high. A title would be worth the money. (Smiles proudly to herself.) Oh, to be of the nobility — a countess for a niece — to go to Paris—! EzRA (Sourly.) Yep — an' that perfumed pansy f'r a nephew. Reckon he'd make her happy, Jane? Jane. A woman can be happy with any man. Look at me! Ezra. (Resignedly.) Waal, mebbe you're right. But I won't give my consent. (Goes to R. E. and closes door.) Jane. You don't need to. MARY'S MILLIONS. 41 Ezra. Why? J Jane. Count De Selles has just asked for Mary's hand in marriage and has received consent — Ezra. From Mary? T J Jane. (With complete self-satisfaction.) Not at all. From me! (Ezra slams the bar into place across the outside door, R., then turns and looks in amazement at Jane, who stands complacently C, tapping her finger-tips together.) Quick Curtain. MARY'S MILLIONS The Second Act. Scene: The strawberry festival on the village green; wood or informal garden drop, with wood wings. A small marquee or square lawn tent of striped material, with the opening toward the au- dience, stands up center. On or near it is a card- board sign, not too well painted, reading, "Past, present and future, 50c for the new church organ." At the right of the tent is a light folding chair. A rustic park bench is down left. Across the stage, overhead, Japanese lanterns are strung pictur- esquely. (Christmas tree electric lights may be used inside the lanterns. Whatever illumination is used, be sure that it complies with the fire laws.) Green floorcloth. Grass mats, flowers and plants, set bushes and stumps are used to dress the stage. (This set does not require full stage unless de- sired. By hanging the drop in three, rear flat of first set may be masked without striking it, and scene changes thus facilitated.) The curtain rises upon Boggs, Jack, Eudora and The Choir, with Eudora as one of the singers. The Choir is singing "See the Conquering Hero Comes," and not singing it any too well. The group is formed in a diagonal line, single or double rank, C, so that the members are three-quarters facing the audience. Eudora, in a prominent place, is singing conspicuously off key. Boggs stands down stage, in front of and facing The 43 44 MARY'S MILLIONS. Choir. He leads the singing with a long buggy whip, which he waves violently. Jack is seated on the bench, suppressing a smile. After a brief mo- ment of singing, Boggs stops the choir by violent gestures and striking his whip on the stage. Boggs. (Shouting.) Whoa! Whoa! Be ye critters singin' this here spasm accordin' to the way it's wrote, 'r jest makin' it up as ye go? ^ r J & Eudora. Hanged if I know, Abija. These here notes I got look like they were carved out with a axe, 'r wrote with a tooth brush. Now I think we ought to of took a grand operatic see-lection — Boggs. Took a which? „ EUDORA. Grand opraw. _. r Boggs. We'll make enough grand uproar. Try ag'in, folks. Now, watch out f'r holes in the road. Gid- dap! (Choir starts singing and he stops them as before.) Whoa! Eudory, how does that last part go? Eudora. (Singing off hey.) Tee, diddle-de dum dum, tee diddle-de dum dum, tee diddle-de dum dum, dee! Boggs. (Proudly.) Waal, Jack, how does she step off, fust time? Jack. (Concealing his amusement.) I never heard anything like it. MARY'S MILLIONS. 45 BOGGS. Not so bad, eh? Might-a done better if I hadn't been so all-fired rushed. Lots of words I couldn't think of when I wrote it. Jack. Why didn't you consult Noah Webster? Boggs. Couldn't. He was over helpin' Hank Stebbins get in his hay. (Jack laughs.) Hello, here comes some folks to the festival and we ain't done prac- tize-in' yet. Come on, choir. Let's go over yonder an' whoop 'er up a leetle more. Choir, with Eudora, exeunt up R., as Jane, Ezra, Mary, Victor and Lola enter down L. Jack M about to go to Mary when he sees Victor. Jack turns disappointedly and joins Boggs, who is follow- ing the choir. T Jane. Mr. Boggs, I would like to speak with you — (Boggs and Jack stop) — alone! (Exit Jack up R. During the ensuing dialog, Victor is assiduously devoted to Mary in panto- mime that is a little overdone. Ezra awkwardly tries to interest Lola in the festival, and Lola likewise is too demonstrative to be sincere.) Boggs. Choir ain't ready to do its singin' in public yet, Miz Stoneham. We got to do a leetle more prac- tize-in' — T Jane. I don't want to listen to the choir, Abija Boggs. I. want you to listen to me. A robbery has been com- mitted. You must find the thief. 46 MARY'S MILLIONS. BOGGS. {Throwing bach his vest, revealing badge and strik- ing an attitude.) The constabule is on the job! What's been swiped an' who done it? Jane Mary has lost her ten-thousand-dollar pearl neck- lace. It disappeared this afternoon. Boggs. Do tell ! Any clews ? Jane. No. All genuine pearls. Boggs. ( Confidentially . ) Miz Stoneham, you come to the right man. I'll find the jools. Jane You'd better! A ten-thousand-dollar necklace is not picked up every day. Boggs. {Going R.) Waal, I'll pick 'em up, all right. But fust I got to pick up a clew. (Exit down R.) Victor. {To Mary.) Eet ees all very — what you call — fascinating; zis festeeval. Jane But you have not yet been all over the grounds. I am sure Mary will be glad to take you and intro- duce you to all her friends. Won't you, Mary? Mary. {Without enthusiasm.) Yes, Aunt Jane. (Jane motions significantly to Ezra to go with them.) MARY'S MILLIONS. 47 Ezra. Reckon I'll stroll along an' see who's here. (Exeunt Mary and Victor, followed by Ezra, down R.) Jane. (Looking after them.) How happy the young people are! (Gushingly.) A true love match. But doesn't it sadden you to lose your brother? T J Lola. Oh, madame, I do not lose ze brozair. Eet ees zat I gain — -(checks herself) — I gain zee sweet leetle sistair. (Sighs.) I am veree happee. Jane. Yes, we are all very happy. It is a brilliant match. But — well, you know they say true love never runs smooth. T Lola. Oh, my dear madame, what has happen? Jane. Nothing. I am afraid of what may happen. Lola. (Uneasily.) But — what can happen? Jane. Mary is — well, she is young, and flighty. She does not always know what is best. Lola. But you have arrange for what ees best, n 9 est ce pas? T Jane. I must speak plainly, if we are to understand each other. Mary's millions are very attractive, you know. 48 MARY'S MILLIONS. Lola. (Alarmed.) But— ^no gentleman would ever sink of — ze money ! Oh, jamais de la vie! , J Jane. That is just it. No gentleman would. But Mary has had a silly, childish romance with a — an impu- dent young fortune hunter. He is persistent, and — well, she is only a child. It is very annoying. Lola. And zis young fortune huntair — Jane. You have seen him. (Looks off R.) Wait. There he is now, with one of his disreputable companions, waiting to impose on Mary with more of his impu- dent nonsense, I suppose. Lola. (Following her glance.) Ah, yes. You spik ze truth. Zey are indeed bour- geois. For such a pairfect lady as la petite Marie — oh, eet ees horrible to think ! Jane. (Insinuatingly. ) Now, if there were some way of — well, creating a diversion, you know. He is such a rustic simpleton — really — Lola. Madame, I have what you say— ze grand idea! Pairhaps — but put your trust in me— -I shall^-what you call — "create ze divairsion !" Jane. (Gushingly.) Oh, Countess, you are so clever! (Exit up R.) MARY'S MILLIONS. 49 Lola stands for a moment, chin on hand, think- ing. Then, hearing some one coming R., exits briskly down L. Jack and Jimmie enter down R. Jimmie. Here's the tent, all right. {Looks inside.) Betty said she was going to be the gypsy queen tonight. She must be late. (Looks off L. and lowers his voice a little.) Hello, there goes the million dollar doll. (shakes Jack playfully.) Come on, old hoss, listen to the birdies sing. You haven't lost Mary yet. Jack. You don't know what I'm up against. I haven't a chance. Jimmie. (Banteringly.) Well, you are a sad lover ! I doped you for a mud horse with Dan Cupid up. Why, kid, it's always heavy going with a bunch of lace like Mary. And you go and quit cold ; want to be at the finish in front of the grandstand before the barrier drops. Listen, bo. That's the bunk. If I was entered in this event I'd have you looking like a badge horse carrying; a safe. T J & Jack. Oh, it's all right for you to talk. You don't love anybody. T J J Jimmie. Righto! Girls are nothing in my young life. I wonder where Betty is. Jack. (Ruefully.) I know where Mary is, all right. Come along, we'll look Betty up. Jimmie. Can't do it. Business first. That's me all over. 50 MARY'S MILLIONS. Jack. What do you mean, business? Jimmie. (Pointing off L.) Here comes the countess, and here's where I cut in. Jack. Keep away, old man. I don't like the looks of that outfit. T Jimmie. Oh, I'm wise, I'm wise. Of course I'll snag the count's game if I can. But this is business. Jack. Are you crazy? T J Jimmie. Roll your hoop, young fellow. No use trying to keep any secrets back on li'l' Jimmie. • Jack. I give it up. Guess I'll look around and see if Mary's shaken that fellow yet. But watch your step. (Exit up L.) Lola enters down L. and sits on bench, arranging herself with conscious care to achieve a catchy pose, but not seeming to have noticed Jimmie. Jimmie stands up C. and watches her while pretending not to notice. Then he pushes back his hair, sets his collar, etc., and makes several starts at speaking to her, but does not know how to begin. After a moment she drops her fan. He rushes forward to pick it up. As he gets it she stoops and instead of picking up the fan she touches the back of his hand. He gives the fan to her. LoLA . (Graciously.) Oh, sank you. Sank you so much! MARY'S MILLIONS. 51 JlMMIE. (Looking at the back of his hand, as if her fingers had left a pleasant mark.) Oh, er — you're quite welcome. (Strives for some- thing to say.) I, er — you, er — that's a very pretty fan. T Lola. Zis? (Shrugs.) Oh, eet ees nossing. I have many of zem. T Jimmie. I'll bet you have. I mean — have you? (She looks at him wonderingly.) I mean — do you? (Noting her quizzical expression.) It's a warm night for a straw- berry festival, isn't it? I'll bet the ice cream's soft already. Lo:LA (Laughing good-humor edly.) Oh, you American men! You are so funny! (He is taken aback,) You are so, what you call, intair- estin S- Jimmie. (Feeling better.) Think so? Oh, quit your kidding! Loi>a. Kidding? What is zat, kidding? A kid ees a little goat, n'est ce pas? T ° Jimmie. (Balked at the French.) Oh, yes ; assuredly. And I'm the goat, I guess. Lola. (Laughing.) You funny man! But for why do you make me Jimmie. (Half to himself.) But for why do I? That's what I'm wondering. laugh ? 52 MARY'S MILLIONS. Lola. I should not spik to you. Eet ees not propair. Jimmie. But everybody's supposed to know everybody around here. Now, I have some giltedged proposi- tions that I would like to offer you — Lola. And beesides, any friend of Meess Marie should be likewise a friend to me. Ees eet not? Jimmie. It is not. I mean, surest thing you know. I have a couple of specially good things, ground floor chances, and I've been waiting to meet you — Lola. I have wondaired why we did not mek ourselves acquainted. , 7 Jimmie. Did you, really? So did I. Lola. Ze fairst time I see you, I say to myself, oh, zere is one man which I could like to have for a frien'. Jimmie. Well, countess, you've got me. You've got me ! Any time you need any financial advice — Lola. Je ne comprends pas. Jimmie. What? Oh, no savvy? Never mind. Guess I'm workins; too fast. L & Lola. Yes, you spik too fast. Jimmie. That's what I mean. Well, er — how do you like America ? MARY'S MILLIONS. 53 Lola. Your country eet ees so beeg! Eeet mek me lone- some — until zis evening! {Moves over, as though unconsciously, to make room for him on the bench.) Jimmie. It was kind of lonesome before, now that you speak of it. It's a nice evening, isn't it? (Sits timorously on bench.) T y Lola. (Observing his response with crafty satisfaction.) Oui. Ze evening ees beautiful. And eet ees all ze more beautiful, when one ees not alone. Jimmie. I'll say it is. I'm a sociable sort of a bird, myself. Lola. (Leaning toward him.) Zen you weell be my f rien' ? My veree good f rien' ? Jimmie. Countess, I'm such a good friend of yours already that you can forget you ever had any others. (Puts his arm along back of bench.) You can trust me in anything. And if you want any live tips — I can give you the low-down on some first-class proposi- tions — Lola. What do you say? fast? Jimmie. Too fast, too fast ! I mean, am I speaking too Lola. I do not undairstand. But you are so fascina- ting! And to sink zat I should have meet you here, like zis — and zat we are so veree good frien's, from so far apart — 54 MARY'S MILLIONS. JlMMIE. Isn't it wonderful? The world isn't so big after all. {Moves closer to her.) Yes, it's a small world. Betty enters down R. Jimmie glances across and sees her as she comes on. She looks at Jimmie and Lola a moment, in great surprise, then goes into tent. Jimmie is very uncomfortable. Lola has not observed Betty. t Jimmie. {Drawing away from Lola.) It's a very small world. Sometimes it's too darn small to be convenient. {Searches in his pockets.) That's funny. I seem to have lost something. Some- thing very valuable. Maybe I dropped it near that tent. {Rises.) Will you excuse me a moment, Count- ess ? T LOLA. But what ees eet you lose? We weel look for eet togezair. Would not zat be zhollee? {Rises.) Jimmie. Yes, it would be zhollee, I'll tell the world! But, er — J don't believe I — come to think of it, I guess I lost it over there in the park. I'm very sure I did — Lola. {Slipping her arm through his.) Zen, my veree good frien', we shall take one lee- tle promenade in ze moonlight, and you shall tell me what ees eet zat you lose. Jimmie. {Going with her reluctantly.) It looks to me, Countess, as if I've lost a whole lot. {Looks toward tent.) Lola. But be of good cheer, my frien'. We weel find eet. MARY'S MILLIONS. 55 ^f W ■■■■■ ■■ i ■ i .... i — .- .i ^ i ■ ,- ■ JlMMIE. I'm afraid we will, if I don't watch my step. Lola. What ees zat, watch you' step ? Jimmie. Well, that's what caused all the trouble. I didn't watch my step. (Casts a despairing glance toward tent -) Loia. (As they go out.) Oh, you funny, funny man! Jimmie and Lola exeunt up R. Betty, in mingled grief and anger, comes to door of tent and looks after them. Mrs. Mudge enters down L. She car- ries a ouija outfit under her arm. Mrs. Mudge. (Going to Betty.) Well, dearie, how's the fortune telling going this evening ? _ Betty. Fortune telling? Oh, of course. Well, I haven't told any fortunes this evening. (Choking with tears.) Oh, Mrs. Mudge, I am so unhappy — Mrs. Mudge. (Taking her in her arms with some difficulty, because of the ouija board.) Never mind, dearie, never mind. There ain't much in palmistry, anyhow. Now why don't you use this? Here's something that's real scientific, and you get messages on it that are wonderful ; simply wonderful! Betty. (Not heeding her chatter.) Oh, I wish I was dead! 56 MARY'S MILLIONS. Mrs. Mudge. You mustn't wish things like that. But still, I had the spirit of Napoleon Bonaparte on the board this very afternoon, and he said that the spirit world was wonderful; simply wonderful! Now, I'll show you how it works. You look to me like you ought to be psychic. You have to be psychic, you know. Kind of vampirish. I'm very much that way. That's why it works so good for me. (Looks for another chair.) We've got to have a good place to set down — _ Betty. Thank you, Mrs. Mudge, but please don't bother. I have a headache. Mrs. Mudge. I have headaches, too. That shows that you're psychic, dearie. After a see-ance I'm a wreck ; a perfect wreck! (Lays board in front of tent.) I'll just fetch another chair, and we'll put ouija to work, and you'll see something wonderful; simply wonder- ful! (Exit energetically up R.) Jimmie enters down R. Jimmie. (Feigning unconcern.) Good evening, gypsy queen. I've come to get my fortune told. Betty. (Coldly.) I'm not telling fortunes just now, Mr. Barnes. Jimmie. But that's what the sign says. And you told me this afternoon — Betty. Whatever I told you this afternoon, I've quite for- MARY'S MILLIONS. 57 gotten. And the sign doesn't say that I'll tell your f0rtUIle - JlMMIE. {Reaching into his pocket,) Better take the four bits for the church organ, anyway. My fortune's told already. A dark per- son has come with a bundle, and I'm in for some trouble with a blonde. {Puts coin in her hand.) Betty. {Throwing it down.) Don't you dare speak my name in the same breath with hers ! T Jimmie. I didn't mention any names at all. Betty. You didn't need to. I'm surprised at you, Mr. Barnes. Surprised! {Shrugs.) Not that I care, of course — T Jimmie. But listen, Betty. You've got a bum hunch. I haven't done anything — Betty. Oh, haven't you? T J Jimmie. No. That was just business. Of course — Betty. Well, I must say that from all I saw you're a pretty energetic business man. Jimmie. Say, Betty, if I thought more about business and less about you, do you suppose I would have given her the shake, just to come back to you, when I had her almost hooked and — Betty. Mr. Barnes, you are the most vulgar creature that 58 MARY'S MILLIONS. it has ever been my ill-fortune to meet. Hooked, in- deed! {Stamps her foot.) You can just go right back to her, if you like her so much, and devote your- self entirely to business! And you needn't say that you had anybody else almost hooked, for I've de- tested you ever since the moment I met you! (Flings herself into the tent.) Jimmie. Throw out your clutch, girlie. You're exceeding the speed limit. Suppose you let me talk a little? Betty. (At the tent opening.) A gentleman would go when he. is dismissed. I don't see why you bother, anyway. The last time you said you wanted to talk to me, you told me you were looking for a girl. Well, you seem to have found one ! T Jimmie. (Brightening.) That's just it. You see, nobody would tell me what her name was, and all I knew — Betty. You seem to have nerve enough, Mr. Barnes, to accomplish your purpose without any help. Jimmie. But, Betty — hang it all — can't you see that it's business? Why, every minute that I spend with her is just an investment, and — Betty. Every minute that you spend with me is charity, I suppose? (Remaining inside the tent, she throws the flap across the opening.) MARY'S MILLIONS. 59 JlMMIE. Well, if women aren't the most unreasonable — Lola enters up R. When Jimmie sees her he pre- tends to be searching on the ground. Jimmie. It certainly doesn't seem to be around here any- where. (Goes R.) I'm sure it must have been over there — T Lola. But, my frien', if you weell only tell me what eet ees zat you have lost. (Jokingly.) I sought zat you had desairted me — so queeckly Jimmie. (Forcing a laugh.) Countess, you're right there with the line of jazz, I'll tell the world. Now we'll go and look again. (Tries to hurry her away.) Lola. We shall look in ze moonlight. I hope zat we shall find eet (looks at him languishly) — but not too queeckly ! Juan* (Steering her down R.) It doesn't look as if we would. (She precedes him off. As he follows he shakes his fist at her and looks despairingly toward tent. Exeunt Lola and Jim- mie down R.) Betty throws tent flap back and steps out. She trips on ouija board and kicks it angrily toward L. Jack enters up L. He jumps to avoid being hit by board. T Jack. Oh, it's you, is it, Betty? Don't bother to kill me. It looks like I'm a dead one already. 60 MARY'S MILLIONS. Betty. Oh, Jack, I'm sorry! I didn't see anyone coming. Jack. Why — you've been crying! What's the matter? Betty. (Sniffing and dabbing her eyes with her handker- chief.) Nothing. Can't I cry if I want to? Jack. You sure can. I almost think I could join you. Betty. Have you been having trouble, too? Jack. Trouble? Did you say trouble? Why, Betty, trouble is the only thing in addition to which I have nothing else. _ Betty. Mary? J Jack. You. said it; Mary. And also her Aunt Jane, the wild-animal tamer, and the flock of imported royalty. Betty. You think a lot of Mary, don't you, Jack? Jack. You said it again. Y^ou know, Betty, I want Mary to have the best in the world — in everything. If another fellow comes along and she likes him, and he's half-way good enough for Mary — well, then, he's a better man than I am, and I want her to get what she wants. But — .„ Betty. But what? Jack. Somehow or other, I can't help feeling that that pair aren't on the level. It was Mrs. Stoneham's MARY'S MILLIONS. 61 doings that they came here. Mary isn't so crazy about him. Anybody can see that. Oh, well, maybe I'm jealous. Betty. (Anxiously.) What makes you think that the count and his sister aren't — on the level? , Jack. In the first place, she doesn't look any more like his sister than — you look like mine. Betty. That's so. And in the second place? Jack. And in the second place — well, that's as far as I can go. It's just a feeling. I think they're putting up a game to get her money. Confound her money ! Betty. Aren't you glad she has it? Jack. I am, of course — for her sake. But for my sake, I wish that she was flat broke. I wish she hadn't a penny in the world. Then I could say, "Mary, will you marry me?" ^ J J Betty. Why not say it anyway? Jack. Not a chance. Whatever I haven't got, at least I have some self-respect. Of course, that fellow may have money. But I haven't seen him spend a nickel since he blew in. Oh, the devil take Mary's millions ! Betty. (Smiling ruefully.) It looks as if the devil were trying to, doesn't it ! But speaking-of money, I want to ask you something. Is your road a safe investment ? 62 MARY'S MILLIONS. Jack. I hope it is. I consider the Consolidated Air Line the strongest, biggest, safest thing to be had. If it isn't I have more hard luck coming. I've got every cent I own tied up in it. It has to be good. Why? Betty. Oh, Mr. Stoneham was going to ask you, and {laughs) then Mrs. Stoneham stopped him. Jack. {Ironically.) Isn't that woman a wonderful friend of mine? She loves me like you love poison ivy. She's a fool, that woman is. Why, even her henpecked husband doesn't fall for the crude work of that painted, perfumed vampire- Betty {Suddenly.) The countess? Is she a vampire? Jack. Well, she sure looks the part, doesn't she? She goes around — „ Betty. {Weeping on Jack's shoulder.) Oh, Jimmie, Jimmie ! Forgive me ! You're not to blame if she's a vampire ! Jimmie, oh — ! Jack. {Interrupting her.) Wait a minute. I'm not Jimmie. And what's he been doing with the countess? Betty. {Between sobs.) I don't k-n-o-w what he's been doing! But he's been acting t-e-r-r-i-b-1-y ! MARY'S MILLIONS. 63 Jack. (Astonished.) Well, what do you know about that ! Betty. I know e-n-o-u-g-h about it! I saw him with his a-r-m around her ! Oh ! ( Weeps on Jack's shoulder. He pets her in a brotherly way.) Jack. Well, Betty, you mustn't take on like that. Jim- mie's all right. Maybe you imagined it. Betty. Imagined it? And when he came back brazenly and told me that he had her "almost hooked" — I imagined that, too, I suppose? O-o-h! (Her head is still resting on Jack's shoulder, and he is trying to comfort her, when — ) Jimmie and Mary enter down R. They are both thunderstruck. Jack and Betty do not observe them, nor hear the next five speeches. Jimmie starts to rush at them and then changes his mind. He takes Mary's arm and tries to turn her around. Jimmie. (Quietly.) Come away, Miss Manners. This is no place for a young girl. u ^ (Looking at them over her shoulder.) Well I never, in all my life — ! Jimmie. You run along. I don't like to have ladies around when I do my murdering. Mary. They don't even know we're here, 64 MARY'S MILLIONS. JlMMIE. (Gesturing impressively.) They will in a minute. (Goes close to Betty and Jack and strikes a pose, with folded arms.) Can I get my fortune told, too? (Betty and Jack draw apart quickly.) Betty. (Dabbing her eyes with her handkerchief '.) Oh, Jimmie, you've come back! It was all a mis- take ! T Jimmie. (Suspiciously.) Yes, that's what I told you. And now I suppose you'll tell me that this is, all* a mistake, too? Mary. (Going toward them.) Betty, I thought that you were a friend of mine. This seems to explain a good many things. Jimmie. I'm hanged if it explains a thing to me. Jack. Now wait a minute, folks. If you won't be quite so quick in jumping at conclusions — Mary. There is only one possible conclusion — Jimmie. There are as many conclusions as there are women in the world. That's all I know. Jack. If you'll just let me explain — Betty. (Suddenly assertive.) Wait, Jack. Fll explain. (Thinks a moment with MARY'S MILLIONS. 65 a new idea, then takes a deep breath and says sud- denly:) Jack and I are engaged! Jack. What? ._ Mary. Engaged? -r Jimmie. Well, ril*be— Betty. (Pulling at Jack's sleeve.) We were going to keep it a secret, weren't we — Jack dear? (Makes signs at him.) Jack. Were we? .-, Hetty. Yes, Jack dear! (To the others.) But it seems best that you should know — Mary. It's time that we should know, anyway ! Betty. (Aside to Jack.) I have a hunch! You haven't lost her yet! Just back me up in this — Jimmie. Well, Betty, I suppose it's good-by? Betty. Oh, no. We're still friends. I want to have a l-o-n-g talk with you, and tell you a-1-1 about it. And Jack wants to talk with you, Mary. He has ever so many things to say, haven't you — Jack dear? (Nods her head vigorously so that Jack alone sees.) Come on, Jimmie. (Starts off up L.) Jack. (Aside to Betty.) What'll I say to her? 66 MARY'S MILLIONS. Betty. (Aside to him.) Anything. We're engaged. Make up the rest, and — lie like a thief! (To Jimmie, gaily.) All right, Jimmie. (Betty and Jimmie exeunt up L.) Mary. (Feigning disinterest.) Well, this is a surprise! Jack. Yes. Isn't it! (Pulls at his collar, etc., and shows uneasiness.) ,, J Mary. I think it is proper for me to congratulate you. Jack. Don't congratulate me. Congratulate Betty — she thought of it. , .. What ! Didn't you propose to her? Jack. I propose to her? To Betty? Why, the very — that is : — I suppose I must have. Yes, of course I did. I'm crazy about Betty. She's crazy, too — about me. •** Mary. You both have concealed it very well. And then you didn't mean — what you said — to me — Jack. Why, you kept telling me it was — impossible — Mary. (Sighing.) I suppose it was. That's what Aunt Jane said. But I had hoped it wasn't. Jack. Mary! Then you — MARY'S MILLIONS. 67 Mary. But she says I have to marry Count De Selles. So I'm afraid I must. T Jack. Aren't you grown up? Mary. She doesn't think so. She says it's just a girlish romance. But what do you care? You're engaged to Betty. T J Jack. But you don't really love that — that fellow? Mary. {Matter of fact.) Good heavens! How could anybody? But Aunt Jane says people don't marry for love nowadays. She says it's old-fashioned; an exploded theory. Jack. Then you won't do anything — suddenly? Mary. Not likely! But what is it to you? You're en- gaged to Betty. T Jack. That's right. But it might — it might not be per- manent! ,, Mary. Have you lost your senses entirely? Jack. I wouldn't be surprised. Jane. {Offstage.) You must be patient with her, my dear Count ! She is such a child! T Jack. I — I guess it would sort of help if I drifted along, wouldn't it? 68 MARY'S MILLIONS. Mary. i Well, you know Aunt Jane. Jack. Unfortunately! ■_.. Besides, you must be awfully lonesome for Betty. Jack. Betty? Oh, yes — of course. (Exit up L.) Jane, Victor and Lola enter down R. Jane. Mary, who was that here with you? Mary. With me? T Jane. With you. ,.. J Mary. I — I can't say that I noticed. Jane. I have been discussing the matter with the count- ess and your future husband — Mary. My what? T J Jane. Your future husband. They both agree that noth- ing is to be gained by delay. Mary. Delaying what? T Your marriage, of course. Mary. But I haven't said that I would be married. Jane. You have nothing to do with it. / have said that you would. That is sufficient. MARY'S MILLIONS. 69 Lola. (Ingratiatingly . ) Eet ees zat you are so young, my dear leetle Marie, zat you do not know what you wish. Jane. I know what it is. It's that impudent young fel- low who has been — T Loea. Oh, zat man? But, ma chere Marie, he ees not for you. I am a woman of ze world. I know. Victor. And I also am a man of ze world. Eet ees not me zat can be, what you say, bamboozled. When I see heem, I say to myself, zere ees one bad, bad man. Mary. How can you say such things? You are only talk- ing. You don't know him. Jane. Oh, don't we? Countess, tell her your experience. Loea. (Feigning reticence.) Eet ees nosing zat I would weesh to tell petite Marie. But pairhaps eet ees best. Ma cherie, would you believe zat zis man have come to me, have eensult me — have tried to keess me — have put hees arm around me — (covers her face with her hands). Oh, but eet ees terrible! Mary. I don't believe it! T Jane. Humph! Count, what is your impression? Victor. My seestair, she have say enough. But, eef you insis' — Miss Marie, have you f oun' your necklace yet ? 70 MARY'S MILLIONS. Mary. Victor. You have lose your necklace in ze store. Ze young man was in ze store. I have go in ze store to find ze necklace. Zis pairson was alone. When I come, he put somesing in ze pocket. Of course (shrugs) I do not call heem t'ief. But I tell you what I see, and what I know. What else ees eet possible? Mary. Why do you torture me like this? I know he didn't take the necklace. - JANE. Whatever you know or don't know, you know what our friends have seen for themselves. And I know, and the whole village knows, that he is trying to marry you for your money! Victor. (Shocked.) Oh, zat any man could do such sings — Lola. But such a monstair could do anysing! Mary. It is all talk — talk! Why don't you prove some- thing ? positions. Lola. Victor. Jane. Mary. Victor. Prove somesing? Aha! Je comprends. Be of pa- tience, Meess Mannairs. Ze murdair, as ze provairb say, weell come forwaird! (He takes the necklace from his pocket and, unobserved, hands it furtively to Lola, with a significant gesture.) MARY'S MILLIONS. 71 Lola. *• (Concealing the necklace in her dress.) Eef eet ees prove, ma cherie, zat your gay friend who have insult me, zat he have take ze necklace, zen, pairhaps-? ^^ I don't believe a thing you have said. But if you prove — any of it — then I'll marry the count the very next minute! (Lola and Victor exchange encour- aging glances.) T Sometime, my dear, you will realize that your Aunt knows what is best for you. Now show Count De Selles where the ice cream booth is. I am sure you both will enjoy it. Victor. Eet ees ze great happiness ! (Extends his arm with a flourish. Mary takes it listlessly. Mary and Vic- tor exeunt down R.) Jane. Now, my dear Countess, I don't know much about the styles in these foreign marriages, but of course what you have said about the marriage settlement is all right. I've heard about those things. Of course, fifty thousand dollars — Lola. (Deprecatingly. ) A mere formality, chere Madame! Eet ees dees- tressing to spik of business, but eet ees comme il faut — what you say — ze always custom. Jane. Of course. Well, I've sent my husband to get the settlement — we always keep our securities at home, you know — and it will all be arranged very quickly. 72 MARY'S MILLIONS. Lola. Yes. Eet weell be well to have all zis finish. An' zen, when Mees Marie see her young frien' have take ze necklace— Jane {Eagerly.) Then you think he did? Lola. Madame, you have advised me well zat he should be "intairested." He ees very much intairested — and I have learned enough! Jane. Wonderful ! How can I thank you — Lola. Do not sank me. I weell see him and intairest him some more. T ■_ Jane. Then I'll go over and see the young people. (Exit down R.) (Lola, down stage, takes out necklace and looks at it, caressing it adoringly. Then, with a shrug of renunciation, she replaces it in her gown. She starts across L., when — ) Jimmie enters down L. Jimmie. ( Embarrassed. ) Oh, hello. I thought it was — someone else. Lola. (Sweetly.) But could you weesh eet would be someone else? My frien', I have been so lonely wizout you. (Looks at him languishly and sits on bench.) MARY'S MILLIONS. 73 JlMMIE. (Struggling with himself.) Oh, gee-whiz! Well, for a million dollars — (starts t0 sit ^ Lola. {Rising.) What? JlMMIE. (With an embarrassed laugh.) I said you looked like a million dollars. Lola. Oh. (She smiles and sits.) JlMMIE. I never knew anybody like you before. (Sits by her -) Lola. (Soulfully.) And I have never meet any man, anywhere, zat I like so much like I like you! (Nestles close to him.) You are so beeg, so fine, so strong! (Slips arm around his shoulder and fusses with his necktie with her free hand.) T J JlMMIE. Well, I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on m -y wa ?- Lola. (Coyly.) Such a funny sing, zis American slang. And you are such a funny man, and I like you so veree, veree much. (Gets necklace and drops it into his pocket.) And I sink you like me, too, a leetle bit — pairhaps? (Looks off L.) Here comes someone. I sink I had bettair go! Jimmie. (With obvious relief.) Well, of course, I don't want to hurry you. 74 MARY'S MILLIONS. Lola. (Blowing him a kiss,) Au revoir, bon ami. I weell see you — latair ! (Exit down R.) Jack enters down L, . Jimmie. (Recognizing him.) Oh, be still, my beating heart! I thought it was Bett J- Jack. I thought it was Betty here. Who was it? Jimmie. My first customer. Boy, I'm going to sell enough stock to make us rich for life. Jack. To a woman? T Jimmie. Sure. Oh, you tried to keep me from getting wise, but I doped it out. Watch my smoke. I'll soon be accepting a check from the lady millionaire. Jack. Mai T? Jimmie. Whatch-a doing — kidding me? I guess I know a million dollars when I see it. It's the countess, of course. Any fool can see that. Jack. Yes, it takes a fool to. You poor fish! Jimmie. (Astounded.) You mean — it's Mary? Your Mary? And I thought — (extends his hands). Tie my hands to- gether, will you? I'm going to jump in the lake! I've lost my one and only customer. I've lost my one and only girl. What is there to live for? MARY'S MILLIONS. 75 Jack. {Teasing him.) Well, you are a sad lover. I doped you for a mud horse with Dan Cupid up. Why, kid, it's al- ways heavy going with a bunch of lace like Betty — Jimmie. {Pathetically.) Aw, cut it out, will you? {Sudden thought.) But then, why in thunder is the countess crazy about me? Jack. Who said she was? Jimmie. Listen, if you could see the way she acts, nobody would need to say anything ! Talk about fast work ! She has chain lightning slowed down like the rural free delivery. T J Jack. Has she? T Jimmie. I'll say she has! And I had to follow along, be- cause I thought I was going to make a big sale. And then Betty saw us, and — say! How about your be- ing engaged to Betty? Jack. You'll have to ask Betty. Jimmie, old pal, that pair are working up some kind of rough stuff. In going after Mary's millions they don't mind going off the level. What do you think it means? Jimmie. It means plenty of trouble for me. Enter Ezra up L. Ezra. Jack, I've been lookin' for ye all over the lot. 76 MARY'S MILLIONS. I want to ask ye about this here Consolidated Air Line, Is it a good investment? Jack. Well, Mr. Stoneham, I have everything of mine in it— two thousand dollars. That shows what I think of it. ^ EZRA. Waal, I want to buy some stock, and a lot of it, and in a hurry. Something that ain't so durned ne- gotiable, -r ° JiMMIE. What do you mean? Ezra. Jane bothers me all the time. She just made me give her fifty thousand in government bonds — Jimmie. Fifty thousand dollars ! Ezra. Yep. An' she gave it to this here countess, an' says it's a marriage settlement — whatever that be. Jack. She gave Mary's money to that woman? Ezra. Yep. An' if I don't step lively, she'll give 'er the rest. So I want to tie it up good an' tight, where she can't git holt of it, and I cal'late this here con- solidated — T Jimmie. How much do you want to put in? Ezra. Oh, I don't know. All they is left. Jack. Why, that's nearly three million. You shouldn't do it in a hurry — MARY'S MILLIONS. 77 Ezra. Got to do it in a hurry, the way Jane's carryin' on, or it won't git did a-tall. Jimmie. There's something in that. {Looks significantly at Jack.) Well, we'll help you pick out something good tomorrow — _, & Ezra. Tomorrer my foot ! We slap it all into Consoli- dated Air Line, an' we do it now. You're a stock broker, ain't ye? Come up to the house and git the durn stuff. (Exit energetically up L.) Jimmie. Well, what do you know about that! Jack. Fifty thousand — gone! Jimmie. And the rest going fast. Jack, old timer, we've got to get the boodle away from that pair of crooks. Jack. (Dejectedly.) Easier said than done. Let's have* a cigarette and try to dope it out. T u Jimmie. (Reaches for cigarette case and takes out necklace.) Say — what's this? T J Jack. It's a necklace — Mary's pearl necklace ! Jimmie. But how in thunder did I — did it — ? (Looks blankly at Jack.) t ( Taking necklace from him. ) Give me that. 78 MARY'S MILLIONS. JlMMIE. (Dazed.) Sure. I don't want it. Jack. You big dub! Can't you see? Jimmie. I'm stone blind. T Jack. Did the countess, er — reach the affectionate stage? Jimmie. I'll say she did! T J Jack. Planted ! Jimmie. (Enlightened and chagrined.) Oh, you baby vamp ! Jack, I'm going to get meas- ured for a bib and hire a nurse. I'm mentally defi- cient. But why did she pick on me? Jack. That's the next question. Jimmie. (Doing some heavy thinking.) Wait a minute ! I've got it ! They're trying to frame you, and they think I'm the one who is in love with Mary! Jack (Chuckling softly.) I believe, my dear Watson, that you are improv- ing. I'll keep the necklace. Jimmie. But what'll you do? Jack. - Wait till they spill their own beans. Meantime, they'll accuse you, and you'll be clear. MARY'S MILLION S. 79 Enter Ezra up L. Ezra. Be you fellers comin'? Jack. All right. (To Jimmie.) Let's go! (Ezra, Jack and Jimmie exeunt L.) Enter Betty and Mrs. Mudge down R., the latter carrying a light chair or folding stool. Mrs. Mudge. (Taking chair to tent.) There now, dearie. I'll just show you how to tell fortunes if you want to be real scientific. (Arranges the tzw) chairs facing each other.) Trying to read palms is all nonsense anyway — Betty. Oh, Mrs. Mudge — I don't feel like being scientific. Mrs. Mudge. Wait till you see it work. (Picks up board and planchette and sits on one of the chairs.) Sit down, dearie, and I'll show you. Jane. (Offstage.) Why, Count, you haven't had your fortune told yet. Come over here and we'll see the gypsy queen — Mrs. Mudge. There ! Now's our chance. Jane, Victor, Lola and Mary enter up R. Jane. Betty, we've all come to get our fortunes told. 80 MARY'S MILLIONS. Mrs. Mudge. Well, now, Mrs. Stoneham, you've come just at the right minute to get a regular scientific fortune. Betty's going to tell fortunes with the ouija board. Lola. (Interested.) Ze ouiia board? x J Jane. How does it work? Mrs. Mudge. I'll show you. It answers any question you ask. You just need two people to run it that are psychic. Betty. (Indifferently.) I don't feel psychic this evening. Mrs. Mudge. Somebody has to help me. I can't work it alone. Who is real psychic? (Looks from one to the other.) Jane. Suppose you try, my dear Count? And we'll have your fortune told. TT J Victor. (With superstitious fear,) Oh, — no sank you! I am not — what you say — psychic. Lqla (With ill-concealed eagerness.) People have tell me zat I am psychic. Pairhaps I can help? ,, r Mrs. Mudge. Oh, yes, Countess, you have a real psychic look. Just set down. (Lola sits in the chair opposite Mrs. Mudge, who arranges the outfit on their knees.) Now, just put your fingers on it, real light, and vacate your mind, and it will answer any question. MARY'S MILLIONS. 81 Jane. What shall we ask? (All are at a loss for a mo- menL ) Lola. (Craftily.) I am told zat ze ouija board can sometimes find ze sings which are lost? Jane. (Thinking she has an original idea.) Then let's find out who stole Mary's necklace ! Boggs enters up R. Boggs. What's this about Mary's necklace? Mrs. Mudge. We are going to ask ouija who stole it. Boggs. What? That crazy new-fangled fortune-tellin' board? (Skeptically.) Humph! I don't take no stock in 'em. I foller the dee-ductive method. I'm lookin' f'r clues right now. The constabule of Rocky Holler never sleeps! (Victor fidgets.) How does the durn thing work? .._ _ _ & Mrs. Mudge. Now, ouija — who stole Mary's necklace? Jack and Jimmie enter up L., unobservedt They watch the group. POSITIONS. Tent. Jimmie. Jack. Boggs. Betty. Lola. Mrs. Mudge. Jane Mary. Victor. 82 MARY'S MILLIONS. BOGGS. I swan to glory! It's movin'! Mrs. Mudge. Concentrate, Countess ! Concentrate ! What does it say? My eyes are tight shut. Betty. {Looking over her shoulder.) "J"! (Victor is decidedly relieved.) Jane. Well, I never! _, Boggs. Thar she goes ag'in, dog my cats ! Jane. A ' Mary. (Nervously.) It's perfectly absurd! I don't think people ought to fool with things like that. Victor. (Placidly.) Eet ees very intairesting. Boggs. I'll be gum swizzled! It's pointin' to "C"! Jane. J-A-C— .„ BOGGS. Next letter's "K" ! T Jane. And it has stopped moving. I'm not a bit sur- prised. We know who stole the pearls. Mary, are you convinced? ^ By playing tricks with silly old boards? Of course I'm not convinced! MARY'S MILLIONS. 83 Jane. (Seeing Jack and Jimmie.) There they are now, that pair of precious rascals. Constable Boggs, I call on you to do your duty. Arrest the man who stole Mary's necklace. (Points.) There stands the thief! Jack. Who, me? Say, I reckon that's going pretty far, isn't it? t, Boggs. Can't pinch nobody without no proof. Mary. It's absolutely monstrous ! Of course there is no proof! There can't be! Jane. But the ouija board said — Boggs. I don't take my clues off no Fiji board. Lola. (Seeing she has blundered.) I am sure — I am veree psychic, ees eet not so, Madame Moodge? — and I am veree sure it means ze ozair man! (Points to Jimmie.) Betty. Jimmie? Not in a thousand years! Mary. Of course not! It's the silliest nonsense! Jane. If it's nonsense, we can soon find out. I believe in the ouija board. I insist that Jack Henderson be searched. At once ! T Lola. But I am sure eet mean ze ozair man! 84 MARY'S MILLIONS. JlMMIE. Me? Say, — that's a funny joke. Mrs. Mudge. Well, the Countess is real psychic all right. I could feel her psychology all up and down my spine. Victor. (Smoothly.) Eet ees very intairesting ! Jimmie. Come on, Boggsie. These birds are all from Mis- souri. Go ahead and frisk me. Oh, don't mind. I won't get mad. Jane Search him, constable ! Boggs. I sure hate t' do it! (Inspects Jimmie's pockets rapidly) — but no harm won't come from it, ?cause I guess I know a feller who's on the level when I see him. ( When he empties the pocket where the neck- lace was planted, Lola stifles a cry of surprise with her handkerchief. Boggs completes the search.) Waal, folks, hope you're satisfied. Clean as a whistle - Lola. But — let me look! T Jimmie. Go ahead, queenie. (Takes her hand and opens it.) But first let me see that the professor has nothing up the sleeve. LolX (Having searched in vain, turns away angrily.) Eet ees — my meestake ! Boggs. Now for our French friend. (Goes toward Vic- *' Victor. What ees zis? MARY'S MILLIONS. 85 Jane. Mr. Boggs! What do you suggest? Don't touch that man! BoGGS I won't touch him. I jest want to feel him an' see if he's real. Step up, Countie! (Jane steps forward to interfere. Boggs calmly pushes back his vest and thrusts his star at her. Then he looks fiercely at Victor, who comes to him.) Victor. Sucheensult! BoGGS {Searching Victor rapidly.) We'll find out about that. I'm lookin' f 'r clues, an' the constabule of Rocky Holler never fails to catch his man! Victor. {Jauntily.) But I have nosing to conceal. Boggs. {Having turned all Victor's pockets inside out.) Nothin' to conceal is right. Nothin' but the even- in' breeze! Jane Impertinence ! But we have not yet listened to the ouija board. Constable, search Jack Henderson! Jack. {Uneasily.) Me? Why, what an idea! Mary. Haven't we had enough of this silly nonsense? Jane. He was in the store when Mary lost her necklace. No one else was. Victor. {Eagerly.) And I have seen him pick up somesing. But al- ways he deny ! Deny ! Me, ze Count Victor De Selles, 86 MARY'S MILLIONS. I have been insult ! Ees zis fortune huntair too good for ze same? Jane (To Boggs.) I insist on your searching that man! Boggs. Waal, Jack, it can't do no harm — Jack. I tell you I didn't steal the necklace! Isn't my word good? T ° Jane. Not with us, it isn't. Jack. It's good with you, isn't it, Mary? Mary. (Influenced by Jane.) You can easily prove your innocence to every- body. Let Abija search you. Jack. I swear to you, Mary — I swear to all of you — Victor. Aha ! Again he deny ! He refuse ! He prove heem- self guilty! x B J Jane. Constable, you were looking for clues. I demand that you follow this one down! Boggs. Waal, Jack, I got to look ye over. An' then we'll stop this monkey business. Jack. (Quietly.) Never mind, Abija. (Takes necklace from pocket and hands it to him.) There's the necklace. MARY'S MILLIONS. 87 Mary. Oh, Jack! TT Victor. Aha! • , Jack. I told you I didn't take it, and I say so again. I found it! x Jane. Well, constable, do you still refuse to arrest him? Boggs. Boy, I sure do hate to take you. But I reckon I g° tto! Jane. (To Mary.) Now! You see? , , Mary. Victor, I accept your proposal. I said I would marry you any time. I will. Victor. My darleeng! My angel! Lola. (To Jane.) No time like ze present ! She ees young ! She ees deeff eecult ! Let zem be married now ! Eef you wish your niece to be a countess, now ees ze time ! Jane. And Abija is justice of the peace. We'll do it! (To Boggs.) Mr. Boggs, you have done your duty as constable. I now call on you as justice of the peace. ,. r Boggs. Jestice of the peace? What fur? Jane. To unite my niece and the Count De Selles in mar- riage ! T, ° Boggs. Ain't got no license. 88 MARY'S MILLIONS. Jane. You are the county clerk. You issue one right now - Mary. Oh, Aunt Jane! J ANE . Not another word! You will learn how to keep a promise! Victor. Yes, yes ! Ze marriage weell take place at once ! (To Mary.) Oh, my rosebud! My shining star in ze moonlight! My — _ & J Boggs. (Shouting.) Hey! All you folks jest hold y'r hosses a minute. Before Jestice o' the Peace Boggs goes to splicin' any folks, Constabule Boggs will do some arrestin'. Count Victor De Selles, you're pinched! Victor. Peench? Jane Monstrous! On what grounds? Boggs. Right here* on these grounds. Victor. (Trying to outbluff his fright.) But wiz what am I charge? Boggs. No charge. Free, gratis, f'r nothin'. Look at them pockets o' his'n. Plumb empty. Not a bean in 'em. Count Victor De Selles, you are completely broke, an' I therefore take pleasure in arrestin' you, under the sacred laws o' this here State o' New Hampshire, as a plain, ordinary, everyday, common vag! (Snaps handcuffs on Victor.) Come on, Jack! Victor, Jack and Boggs exeunt down L.' Slow Curtain. MARY'S MILLIONS The Third Act. Scene: Same as Act I. Two days later. The curtain rises upon Ezra, who is seated at the high desk, his shoulders hunched over, writing in the ledger. Jimmie enters R. E., whistling softly. He goes C. and stands with his hands in his pockets. T Jimmie. Morning, Mr. Stoneham. Ezra. (Looking at Jimmie, then turning back to his book.) Humph ! T Jimmie. Any mail for me? Ezra. (Peevishly, turning toward him.) You know durn well there ain't been no letters f'r you, n'r f'r anybody else, the last two days. How kin they be, sence somebody burned the railroad bridge at Maple Grove? 'Spect 'em to bring th' mail by airyplane ? T Jimmie. Well, well! That's too bad. . Ezra. Yep. You're sorry — like a crocodile. Plays right into the hands of you conspirators. The idee o' that pig-headed Boggs leavin' the count locked up on bread an' water f'r two days, while the thief goes around on his own recognizance ! 89 90 MARY'S MILLIONS. JlMMIE. Well, no use arguing now. 'Bije caught the last train to the citj before the bridge went down, and nothing can be done till he gets back. Ezra. And him appointin' you the jailor. Fine business 1 Lola enters L. E. JlMMIE. Good morning, Countess — (imitating her). My veree good frien'! T & Lola. I do not spik wiz creemeenals. I shall appeal to ze consul! I shall — T JlMMIE. Go as far as you like, dearie. No use confining ^yourself to taking newspapers and the neighbors' milk. (Starting for R. E.) Well, I guess I'll ram- ble along to the hoozgow and feed the animals. So long, sweetie! (Exit R. E.) Lola. Monstair ! _ Ezra. Kind o' funny, seems to me, how Abija got a ex- cuse to pinch your brother in the fust place. How did he come to be broke? Lola. Broke? Oh, wizeut money? My brozair, he have a lofty mind, and he cannot sink of such sings as money. Ugh! Money! Eet make ze disgust! Ezra. Humph ! Lola. I shall send a message to some friends in New MARY'S MILLIONS. 91 York. I go now to ze telegraph office. (Exit R. E.) (Ezra looks after her, scratches his head with pen handle and resumes writing.) Mary and Jane enter L. E. Mary. But why soold me, Aunt Jane? You don't think I'm enjoying it, do you? Jane. You don't think the count is enjoying it, do you? The idea ! Why the thieves are allowed to roam at large is beyond comprehension. And Boggs go- ing away and leaving that disreputable Jimmie Barnes in charge of the poor, innocent count ! It's an outrage! M But, Aunt Jane — T Jane. It's all your fault, you ungrateful child ! If you had accepted the count in the first place you would have spared us all this awful humiliation! Mary. But, Aunt Jane — T Jane. But no ! You preferred a thief ! Mary. How was I to know that he — Jane. Because I told you ! And I am always right ! This is all the gratitude I get for my loving care — Ezra. (Out of patience.) Gosh all hemlock, Jane ! How kin I do any fig- gerin' with a racket like that goin' on? 92 MARY'S MILLIONS. Jane. Don't speak to me ! If you had a spark of man- hood you'd — (losing all self-control). If you don't like it, get out! ^ s Ezra. Humph ! Good idee ! ( Goes to L. E. and calls off. ) Hey, Eudory, come an' mind the store. (Exit L. E.) Jane. There! A thankless niece and. a shiftless husband! The idea of his turning over your entire fortune for investment to those adventurers ! Between you, you've ruined every chance — (sees others coming and ^ '" Jack and Betty enter R, E. Betty. Hello, everybody. T They say the bridge will be fixed any time and then the train can come through. Mary. Oh, if Abi j a would only come back ! Jane. (Getting between Mary and Jack.) Betty Barlowe! Have you no shame? Associating with criminals ! T Jack. Speaking personally, Mrs. Stoneham? Jane. (Loftily.) I have no dealings with thieves and fortune hunt- ers. Come, Mary! (Exit L. E.) Betty. Wait a minute, Mary. (Mary hesitates,) Jack. I won't bite you. I'm harmless. MARY'S MILLIONS. 93 Mary. Everything is so awfully mixed up. Betty. Do you want to listen to a secret? Mary. You have already told me of your engagement. But I don't see why you insist on brazening it out. After — ( hesitates) . Betty. {Laughing.) But Jack isn't a thief, you silly girl! Mary. Then where did he get the necklace? Betty. From Jimmie. Mary. {Skeptically.) Is that what he says now? Betty. That's what Jimmie says, too. Mary. Then where did Jimmie find it? Jack. In his pocket. ,„. ^ Mary. Very likely ! T J J Jack. It doesn't sound very likely, but it happens to be true. _, Mary. Well, go on with your story. Who gave it to Jimmie ? T Jack. That's the end of my story. The rest is to be continued. ,, Mary. Well, if it's true, why didn't you say something? What does Abija think? 94 MARY'S MILLIONS. Jack. Boggs doesn't know. Time enough when we see what he finds out in New York. Meanwhile — watch- ful waiting. ^ ° Jdetty. Quiet ! Here comes somebody ! Enter Eudora, followed by Jane, L. E> Jane. Now, Eudora, keep a sharp eye on the store, and from this time on we will allow absolutely no loafing. There seems to be no police protection, but we'll keep all criminals out of the store if I have to use Ezra's shotgun myself! (Glares at Jack.) Mary! Come away from that creature ! Do you intend to follow him to the penitentiary? Jack. (Easily.) I reckon I don't want to be the cause of any target practice. Guess I'll be traveling. Jane. (Viciously.) You'd better! Jack (Looking out R. E.) Hello, here comes the countess. Now I'm sure I don't want to hang around. Keep your eye open, Jimmie. So long, Mary. (Exit casually, R. E.) Jane. How long must we put up with such things? Lola enters in a rage, R. E. Lola. Such eensult ! Such outrage ! I cannot send ze telegram ! Zey send whole book ! Zey — oh, eet ees too much! . MARY'S MILLIONS. 95 Jane. More criminal work ! Do jou know anything about this, Betty? Betty. {Innocently.) Jack seems to be converting a heathen friend in New York. T Jane. What do you mean? Betty. He's telegraphing the Bible. He started yester- day, and nobody can use the wire till he's finished Jane. To think that such things can happen in a civil- ized country ! But I'm going to get decisive action ! I'm going to appeal to the governor! Betty. But how can you? The bridge down, the telegraph tied up — ? ^ r ElJDORA. {Behind counter and idly leaning on it.) Looks to be as if we was quarantined as tight as if we all had smallpox. Jane. I'll complain to the village board! Enter Boggs, R. E., unobserved. He stands in the doorway. Eudora. What's the use? Abija is the village board, be- sides bein' the constabule, jestice of the peace and county clerk. ^ J Betty. Yes, and he's also chief of the fire department — Eudora. Agent fr the Great Eastern Millin' Company — 96 MARY'S MILLIONS. Betty. Supervisor of roads, and president of the school board— Eudora. Agent for the Spread Eagle Harvester Com- ^ ^ Boggs. (Coming down and crossing to C, impressively, with thumbs in vest armholes.) Superintendent of the asylum, committee on ways an' means, chairman o' the poor board, movin' pitch- er censor, county chairman^ Jane. Viper! ' Boggs. No, ma'am. They ain't been no snakes in Rocky Holler sence the eighteenth amendment — Jimmie enters hastily, R. E. Jimmie. Mr. Boggs, I just heard the train was in and you were here. I want a few words with you, if you don't mind. T Jane. Get out of this store, you wretch, or I'll put you out! Boggs. Hey ! We don't want no saltin' an' batterin' around here ! T Jane. Is there no such thing as justice? Oh, it is hope- less! Come, Countess! (Exit angrily, followed by Loea, L. E.) _, Boggs. Eudory, go an' watch her and see that she don't git violent. Gosh all hickory! Etjdora. Talk about your wild, wild women! (Exit L. E.) MARY'S MILLIONS. 97 BOGGS. (As she goes.) Oh, Eudory, you do say the durndest things ! Jimmie. (Eagerly, to Boggs.) Well, what did you find out in New York? Boggs. Not a gosh durn thing. (Takes knife and stick from hip pocket.) ^ (Greatly disappointed.) You didn't find any criminal record for either of them? -r^^o Boggs. (Whittling.) How could I? They showed me about two million pitchers in their rogues' gallery, and asked me if I could identify 'em. I picked out a couple o' dozen and the durn cops blame near fired me out o' the ding-busted police station. Say, Jimmie, what's a cuckoo? That's what they said I was. Betty. It lcoks as if we're going to have a hard time proving that they stole the necklace. Boggs. Look like Jack's goin' to have a time provin' that he didn' steal it. That's what's worryin' me. Jimmie. Oh, he didn't steal it. Boggs. I hope not. But where did he get it? Betty. From Jimmie. 98 MARY'S MILLIONS. BOGGS. (To JlMMIE.) From you? (Jimmie nods. Boggs snaps his knife shut.) Waal, I wanta know! Have I got-a pinch you, now? _ Jimmie. Any time you say. Go ask Jack. He'll tell you just what happened. (Boggs starts out.) Oh, say, Mr. Boggs. (Boggs stops and turns.) No use play- ing this waiting game any longer. Something tells me it's time for a show down. Tell Jack to call off his telegraph trust. Get your prisoner and bring him up here. _ Boggs. (Putting knife and stick in pocket.) What's the big idee? Jimmie. I don't know. I've just got a hunch that a little third degree stuff would be healthy. Boggs. Wall, I got-a leave him out some time, anyway. (Exit R. E.) Jimmie. That's tough. I thought sure he'd get something on those birds from the New York cops. Are we out-a luck? I'll say we are. Betty. What are you going to do? Jimmie. Search me. I'm just hoping something will turn up. Say, Betty, on the level now — are you really engaged to Jack ? _ Betty. Well, supposing I weren't — what then? MARY'S MILLIONS. 99 \ JlMMIE. Then supposing you were engaged to me. Betty. All right, — supposing first that you had asked me. JlMMIE. Well, then, supposing you found out that I — had been — in a crooked deal? Betty. Jimmie! Surely — not the necklace? JlMMIE. Of course not. I don't steal things — intentionally. But if you found out that I had been mixed up with — well, to be frank, with a gang of swindlers? Betty. {Coolly.) Why, naturally, I'd break off our engagement. Jimmie. Then I'm glad the engagement is imaginary. Betty. Do you mean — what you said is — true? Jimmie. Here's the layout. I discovered right after I came out here that the brokers I'm working for aren't straight. They're shoving a lot of phoney stuff. Betty. Then why didn't you expose them?' Jimmie. Because Jack was mixed up in this air line. Betty. Jack, too? T Jimmie. Oh, Jack thinks it's all on the level. Why, he has every bit of his savings tied up in it! And I've been 100 MARY'S MILLIONS. hoping that this project, at least, was O. K. They seem to be operating. Still it looks fishy. But until I get evidence, I can't tell Jack he's playing in a swindle. -r, Betty. Well? T JlMMIE. I wanted to be square with you, that's all. Jack or no Jack, I'm going to get a sure enough white man's job, and then I'm going to propose to you again — -r, & Betty. Again? You have to do a thing once before you can do it again. But Jimmie. Are you sure you're honest? You've been trying to sell stock to the countess ! T Jimmie. Oh, well, you can tell by her looks that if she had any money she must have stolen it from somebody. Betty. ( Mischievously. ) You noticed that as soon as you saw her, didn't •* ' Jimmie. Have a heart, will you? I know I'm a poor dub, but — Boggs. (Offstage.) Come on, your royal highness ! Step lively ! Gid- dap! Enter Victor, R. E., handcuffed and dressed as in Act II, but much the worse for wear. He is sullen and tries to appear defiant. He is propelled into the store by the boot of Boggs, who follows him in, Jimmie. Where's Jack? MARY'S MILLIONS. 101 BOGGS. Decided his friend was converted, and went over to call off the Sunday School lesson. He'll be along directly. (Crosses to L. and sits on high stool, with his back against the desk. He faces R. and places his elbows comfortably against the desk.) Enter Jane, L. E., followed by Ezra. Jane. What's all this racket? ' (Sees Victor.) Well, Abija, you're coming to your senses. Take off those handcuffs ! T7 Victor. I am eensult ! I am abuse ! I am treat like one fat peegllam- j^ (Deliberately but firmly.) Sit down and fan yourself, Count. Your collar's wilted. (Takes out knife and stick.) Ezra. Bije, ain't it time f'r us to have a leetle peace an' quiet — ? „. ^ Boggs. It's time to have so'thin', Ezry, but I don't know jest yit what it'll be. Mary enters L. E. Eudora follows her and stands, half -frightened but curious, in the doorway. Mary. Oh, Aunt Jane. I — Jane. Go away, child. This is no place — Boggs. Leave her stay right here, Aunt Jane. We want all the witnesses. Where's the Countess? 102 MARY'S MILLIONS. EuDORA. (Excitedly.) She's in the house, Bije! -, , , , . BOGGS. retch her in. Eudora exits L. E. Mrs. Mudge enters R. E. Mrs. Mudge. (Out of breath.) Oh, dear me! I saw Mr. Boggs bring the count up here, and I just had the spirit of William the Conqueror on the ouija board, and something told me — BOGGS. (Pounding on desk with ink well.) Order in the court ! Shut up ! Order ! An' nobody hadn't better yell ham an' eggs, 'cause I ain't feelin' comical ! Jack enters R. E. He is very quiet and shows the effect of a sudden shock. Jane. There's the man that ought to have handcuffs on. And he will have, soon enough ! We'll see to that !. Lola enters L. E., followed by Eudora. Boggs. (Sternly, and ponding as before.) Shut up ! Order in the court ! (Sees Jack's expres- sion and speaks in a kindly tone.) Why, son, some- thin's happened. What's wrong? Jack. (Quietly, but with agitation.) The Consolidated Air Line. It's gone to smash. It's failed. (Holds out a telegram.) (Jimmie and Betty exchange glances. Boggs re- sumes whittling.) MARY'S MILLIONS. 103 Ezra. Busted! An' all o' Mary's millions gone with it! Jane. Ezra, why on earth did you — Ezra. Waal, that feller (indicating Jimmie) told me it was O. K. so I bought the stock with Mary's money — Jane. But why? EzRA (Desperately.) To keep you from gettin' it, if ye want to know! (Weakly.) It was ag'in my own judgment, but they told me — him an' Jack both — Jane. Aha ! I thought so ! Well, Jack Henderson, you don't confine yourself to stealing jewelry. You vic- timize a poor, feeble-minded old man — Ezra. (Aroused.) He y ? ■ BoGGS. (Pounding.) Hold y'r hosses an' shut up, the hull gosh durn crowd! Where do you think you are, in — (mentions nearby insane asylum) ? Order ! Now, Jimmie, what you got to say? T J ° J Jimmie. He wanted to invest ,in a hurry. I advised him to think it over, because it was such a large sum, and — Jane. I insist that they both be arrested at once, as swin- dlers ! He has made my niece a pauper ! Mary. Well, Aunt Jane, he's lost all his own money, too. 104 MARY'S MILLIONS. Everything he had was in the Air Line. Wasn't it, Jack? (Jack nods.) T v J Jane. (Loudly.) It's all talking and nothing doing! I want to see some action taken — ! „ Boggs. (Interrupting and picking up ink well as if to throw it at her.) You want to see action? How'd you like to see a murder ? Order in the court ! Waal, Jack, you're ac- cused o' swindlin' — T Jimmie. Wait a minute, Mr. Boggs. I'll assume that charge, to save time, and plead guilty* Betty. Guilty? Oh, Jimmie! JlMMIE. What's next on the docket? Boggs. (Frowning judicially.) We now come to the illegal burglary of this here necklace. (Takes necklace from vest pocket and holds it in the palm of his hand.) Now, Count, you say Miss Manners sent you here to get the necklace that she dropped. (Victor nods eagerly.) An' you say when you come in you seen Mr. Henderson pick up the necklace an' stuff it in his pocket? Victor. (Excitedly.) Zat ees eet, precisement! I see heem pick up ze necklace an' put een ze pocket ! Boggs. You sure it was this here? (Holds it out.) MARY'S MILLIONS. 105 Victor. I can mek no meestake! Boggs. All right, Jack. What you got to say? (Hands necklace to Mary and resumes whittling.) Jack. Nothing new. I was here when Mary went out. I sat here smoking. She came back looking for the necklace. I didn't see the necklace. I didn't see the count. That evening Jimmie found the necklace in his pocket. I suspected it was a frame-up, so I took it. Then if he was accused, he wouldn't be the vic- tim. You saw what happened. Boggs. (Meditatively.) Humph! (Pause.) Waal, Count, the fust time you told about it, you said you saw him pick up some- thin* an' left the rest to insinooation. Now you reck- onize the necklace as what he picked up. Humph ! (Pause.) Now, if I was findin' somethin' vallyble with a view to keepin' it, I kind o' think I'd have my eye peeled. Don't hardly cal'late I'd have my back turned towards the door where somebody might see me. An' if anybody seen me, I cal'late they'd reckonize what I picked up, right off, if they could remember it so good two days later. Lola. ( Uneasily. ) Well, zee necklace ees found, and eet ees returned. Eef zis man deny eet, pairhaps — (shrugs) — pair- haps my brozair have mek meestake. Who knows? What matter? Eet ees feenish. 106 MARY'S MILLIONS. Victor. (Following Lola's lead.) Bient Eet ees feenish. Eet ees best to forget. Meess Marie's money eet ees gone, but zee necklace ees found. Eet ees feenish. Boggs. Not by a jug full, it ain't. Set down, Count. We still got the mystery of how it come to be in Jimmie's pocket. T r Jane. Humph! You still insist that that is a mystery? Why, if you had human intelligence — (Boggs picks up ink well menacingly and she subsides). Boggs. Waal, folks, they is jest two people to be sus- pected — Jack an' the count. It was found on Jack. He got it off Jimmie. Where did Jimmie git it? From Jack, maybe. Only — he didn't. He got it off of the countess. (Snaps knife shut and puts it in his pocket.) What you say? From me? Jane. From the countess? Lola. Eet ees a lie ! _ Boggs. (Gesturing with stick.) Keerful, old gal. Chickens come hum to roost. Lola. How dare you to say — Boggs. I dare to say it, because I was behind the fortune tellin' tent, an' I seen you drop it into his pocket! Now who's a liar? (Takes out knife and resumes MARY'S MILLIONS. 107 whittling. Lola and Victor sulk in silence that is a confession of their guilt. All others indicate amaze- ment.) } Mary. Jack! Will you forgive me? (Goes to Jack peni- tently and puts her hand in his.) Jane. Keep away from him! You are still engaged to the count ! ,, Victor. Oh, I mek no claim. Eet ees feenish! Boggs. ( Philosophically. ) Funny what a difference just a few millions make. Jane. (Glaring at Mary.) It's all your fault ! You've brought all this trouble on us — you and your money. Before you came home with your fan-dangled ideas, we were as happy as could be. And you have brought us to — this ! I don't care what becomes of you ! Jack. I'm broke, Mary. So are you. But while I have two hands we needn't think seriously of the poor house. Aunt Jane loves us both the same way. What do you say? M It cost me three million dollars to get my free- dom (looks at Jane), but when freedom means — you (looking at him) — I think I got a bargain. Boggs. (To Lola and Victor.) Waal, nobility, what you goin' to do ? Come clean now, 'r take a nice long vacation in a stone house? Mary, do you want to prosecute 'em? 108 MARY'S MILLIONS. Mary. I don't want anything but to see the last of them. Boggs. That's my idee. A big trial would be too expen- sive f'r sech fry. This is bargain day, an' things is goin' cheap. Waal, what do you say, you gold brick twins? Tell the truth, an' we'll leave you go. Lola. What else can we do? Boggs. Do you an' little Vickie confess to havin' stolen the necklace an' plantin' it on Jimmie? Lola. Eet was meestake. I sought eet was ze ozair man. Boggs. (Throwing a bunch of keys to Jack.) Take off the bracelets, Jack, an' kick 'em to'rds the deppo. I'll fetch their baggage down in the hack, afore train time. They can walk. They're lucky to git the chance. (Jack removes handcuffs from Victor.) Jimmie. (Who has been struggling with a problem.) But Boggs — if you saw it all from behind the tent, why didn't you say so before, and save a lot of trouble ? _, Boggs. I may be a rube constabule, Jimmie, but in my day I was the champeen poker player of Stony Holler. -^ Ezra. This ain't no poker game> Bije. MARY'S MILLIONS. 109 BOGGS. Is that so ! Jimmie, when you got a bum hand, an' you got a hunch the other cuss is four-flushin', what do you do? T Jimmie. JhJOGGS. (Winking shrewdly.) You'd be surprised! Lola. ( Who has been listening from near R. E.) He did not see me? Victor. Eet was a trick! t»^^ ±)OGGS. (JLaughing.) The third degree, trimmed with hayseed. Waal, I got y'r confession, with plenty o' witnesses. Git out, both o' you crooks, before — (Victor and Lola start out hastily. Jimmie jumps to R. E. and stands in doorway.) Jimmie. First they'll kick in with that fifty thousand that they bunked out of dear Aunt Jane. (Victor looks helplessly at Lola, who thinks a moment, then draws up proudly.) Lola. As for zat, you have no weetnesses, no confession. Eef Madame say she give me anysing, I say eet ees mistake. She can prove nosing! We can play zis pokair game ourself. „ XJOGGS. (To Jane.) Ain't you got nothin' on 'em at all? (Jane shakes her head.) Gosh all hemlocks. Stung! HO MARY'S MILLIONS. Mary. I don't care. I have Jack. And good things are expensive. T r Lola. (TO JlMMIE.) Eet ees finish! Will you pairmit us to go? Jimmie. Those certificates that Mrs. Stoneham gave you are all numbered, Countess. And Mr. Stoneham has the numbers. Will you kick in now, or stick to your bluff and be nabbed in the city? Gee, some folks just naturally flirt with the penitentiary. Lola. Numbairs ? ■_ Jimmie. Every one of them. You try to cash them or turn them over and see what happens. No witnesses ? Why, they are the best witnesses in the world. As long as you keep them, you carry the evidence of your own fraud. Come on. (Holds out his hand.) You're stung. Kick in. Come clean! (Snaps his fingers impatiently.) (Lola looks at him desperately a moment. See- ing no chance for further evasion, she draws a large envelope from within her gown and thrusts it at him savagely.) s * J Jimmie. (Taking it.) Just a moment. I want to check up the gate re- ceipts. (Opens envelope flap and runs through con- tents with his finger.) All right. It's all here. Ezra. Hey, Jimmie. I didn't have the numbers o' them stifficates. How did you know what they was? MARY'S MILLIONS. 111 JlMMIE. I didn't know. ~ Boggs. Then how did you — ? Jimmie. (Winking.) You'd be surprised! Boggs. (After a brief pause.) Oh, boy, I'd hate to play poker with you! Lola. Sweendled again ! T , • Victor. A thousand peegs ! ^ r & Boggs. Git out! If we deal another hand you may lose your plug hat. (Lola and Victor exeunt, in confusion, R. E.) Mrs. Mudge. Oh, dear. I'm afraid them burglars will steal my ouija board. They won't stop at anything. Ex- cuse me, folks. (Exit R. E.) Jimmie. Here's your settlement, Mary. (Hands the envel- ope to her.) It ought to come in kind of handy. Mary. Take care of it, Jack. It's such a nuisance. Jack. But Mary — I'm broke, and you're wealthy again. It would never do for you to marry me now — Mary. (Matter of fact.) If you're broke, you certainly can't afford to be sued for breach of promise, can you? (Smiles at 112 MARY'S MILLIONS. him.) Take the mean old envelope, you silly boy. (Hands envelope to him.) Jane. What? You aren't going to throw your money away on that worthless — ? Boggs. (Pounding on desk.) Order ! Order ! _, 1±,ZRA. (Suddenly getting his nerve.) Git out o' here, Jane ! I'm the boss o' this ranch, an' I don't care who knows it ! Leave her marry who she gosh-durn likes ! T & Jane. (Amazed.) ^'^ EZKA. (Furiously.) You been makin' my life miserable f'r twenty year, but you're done! You go long, 'fore I lose my tem- per! Jane, frightened and amazed, exit L. E. Boggs. (In quiet surprise.) Ezry, what you been drinkin'? Ezra. (Winking at him.) You'd be surprised! (Exit masterfully L. E.) Jimmie. Well, if you're really going to take each other for better or worse, I may as well confess, Jack, you get not only Mary, but all of Mary's millions. Mary. But it's lost. MARY'S MILLIONS. 113 JlMMIE. The company is, but the money isn't. I thought the concern was fishy, so I didn't make the transfer. Betty. He's saved it all for you, Mary. Isn't my Jimmie smart ? ■ , , Mary. Your Jimmie? Then you're engaged? Betty. We will be as soon as -he asks me. He's been anxious to, ever since Jack and I bluffed him with the trick engagement. Jimmie. (Disconsolately. ) I'm likely to ask you, with a record as a fake stock salesman. T Jack. But that Air Line didn't need to be a fake. It's a sound proposition. There's a big thing there, for the right man with capital — Mary. Why not, then? J Jack. What? (Seeing her meaning.) With your money? Never. ,- Mary. It's my money, isn't it? Well, then. We're going to start a real, honest-to-goodness company, and put that railroad through! (To Jack.) You're president. (To Jimmie.) You're treasurer. You're going to have some real stock to sell, young man. Jimmie. Mary, that's a wonderful hunch! Jack. It can be done, all right. 114 MARY'S MILLIONS. JlMMIE. And we'll put it over. Now we'll work out the details ~ Mary. Oh, bother. Time enough for that after the honeymoon. ^ J BOGGS. Honeymoon? Come on, Eudory; Let's go over to the parsonage. {Takes her hand and they start out R. E.) T J Jack. Say, what are you folks going to do? Eudora. (Looking back and winking,) You'd be surprised! Boggs. (As he goes out the door with her.) Eudory, you do say the durndest things! Curtain. When Smith Stepped Out BY Harry Osborne A COMEDY, in 3 acts; 4 males, 4 females. Time, about 2 hours. Scene: 1 interior throughout. "Fate tried to conceal him by naming him Smith." CAST OF CHARACTERS. William Horace Smith Uncle Bill George Smith His Nephew Richard Keene A Detective Bob Stanley A Wooer Mrs. George Smith Nellie Muriel Armitage Her Younger Sister Miss Winslow A Spinster Hilda The Maid at the Smith's Did you ever stop to think how dangerous it is to carry a loaded revolver? Dear, old, absent-minded Uncle Bill Smith, from Australia on a visit, starts something difficult to finish when he steps out for his evening walk with a revolver in his pocket. He innocently robs a man of his watch, loses his hat, gives the detective a merry chase, almost sees the inside of a jail and just escapes the matrimonial clutches of a desperate spinster. He all but breaks up one peaceful home but starts another by getting a bashful lover to propose and in the end has everyone stepping about as lively as the kangaroo from his native Australia. It all happens quickly, laughingly, mysteriously and thrillingly. After two hours of fast fun the audience will discover that melancholy, indi- gestion and worries have all stepped out with the Sick detective who left just as the curtain dropped. No star part, but strong characterization through- out, easily within the range of amateurs. Professional stage rights reserved and a royalty of ten dollars required for amateur performance. Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO Whose Little Bride Are You? BY Edith Ellis A FARCE Comedy, in 3 acts; 5 males, 5 females. Time, 2y 2 hours. Scene: 1 handsomely furnished living room. This play was written by the author of "Mary Jane's Pa" and other nation-wide successes. CAST OF CHARACTERS. Dr. Benjamin Bellows. A Sentimental Retired Physician Algernon Clawhammer. . .His Prospective Son-In-Law Augustus May His Butler Simeon Singleton , . His Old Friend George Tobin His Prospective Step-Son Florence Bellows His Charming Daughter Mrs. MacEckron His Neighbor Dolly MacEckron Her Daughter Maggie Brady The Maid Mrs. Amelia Tobin The Bride-To-Be At the beginning one potential bride is visible; be- fore the final curtain the woods, so to speak, are full of them. The brides range in assortment from the little flapper not yet out of her teens, to the seasoned 200-pound campaigner who has worn the orange blos- soms no less than four times. Matrimonial pairing proceeds even to the butler and the housemaid. Mis- taken identity furnishes an unusual measure of com- plications until it actually becomes a problem as to which little bride is which, or who. Plot, situations and dialogue dovetail perfectly. The incidents are as humorous and rapid-fire as ever went into a play. It is especially adapted to amateurs, the parts being so vividly characterized and the action so continuous that the piece virtually carries itself. Professional stage rights reserved and a royalty of fifteen dollars required for amateur perforynance. Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO Plays for' Schools and Colleges THE HIGH SCHOOL FRESHMAN By Charles Ulrich. Comedy in 3 acts; 12 males. Time, 2 hours. _^ Price, 25 Cents. THE KINGDOM OF HEART'S CONTENT By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 6 males, 12 fe- males. Time, 2y± hours. Price, 35 Cents. MACBETH A LA MODE By Walter Ben Hare. Burletta in 3 acts; 7 males, 7 females. Time, 1*4 hours. Price, 25 Cents. MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN By Walter Ben Hare. Comedy-drama in 3 acts; 4 males, 7 females. Time, 2 1 / 4 hours. Price, 35 Cents. A POOR MARRIED MAN By Walter Ben Hare. Farce-comedy in 3 acts; 4 males, 4 females. Time, 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. A PRAIRIE ROSE ~~ ~~ ~ " By Edith F. A. U. Palnton. Comedy-drama in 4 acts; 7 males, 4 females. Time, 2*/ 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. THE REAL THING AFTER ALL By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 7 males, 9 fe- males. Time, 2y 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. RE-TAMING OF THE SHREW By John W. Postgate, Shakespearean travesty in 1 act; 6 males, 5 females. Time, 45 minutes. Price, 25 Cents. RUTH IN A RUSH~ By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 5 males, 7 fe- males. Time, %y 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. SAVAGELAND " By Walter Ben Hare. Musical comedy in 2 acts; 5 males, 5 females. Time, 2% hours. Price, 75 Cents. SING A SONG OF SENIORS By Lindsey Barbee. Comedietta; 7 females. Time, 30 minutes. Price, 25 Cents. STAR BRIGHT By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Comedy-drama in 3 acts; 6 males, 5 females. Time, 2y 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. ZARAGUETA OR MONEY TALKS Translated from the Spanish by Clarence Stratton. Comedy in 2 acts; 7 males, 4 females. Time, 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. T. S. DenisoQ & Company, Publishers 154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO I— 8*0 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS Mllllllll 015 973 810 3 Standard and Amateur Plays ■r Our list of plays comprises hundreds of titles; dramas, comedies, farces, vaudeville sketches, monologues, entertainments, etc. All shades of sentiment are represented, all varieties of talent, number of characters and time required in presentation are provided for in this list. Popular Entertainment Books Under this heading are found books touching every feature in the entertainment field, Dialogues, for all ages, Speakers, Recitations, Monologues, Drills, Entertain- ments, suitable for all occasions, Jokes, Min- strels, Hand Books, etc. Over sixty titles. These books are not filled with old ma- terial, rehashed and simply made to sell ; they are fresh and original matter, each- written by a specialist in his given line. The books are finely made, clear print, good pa- per and each has a most attractive, indi- vidual cover design. One of the best and most complete entertainment series pub- lished. Paper Binding Only, Send for Complete Descriptive Catalogue LS*Denison& Company, Publishers 154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO