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THE AFFLICTED FAMILY, 
 
 ■OR- 
 
 A Doctor Without a Diploma. 
 
 A FARCE-COMEDY, 
 
 IN FOUR ACTS, 
 
 BY 
 
 Malcolm Stewart Taylor, 
 
 Author of Auld Bobin Gray ; Ar-u-ag-oos ^ <fec., <fec,, 
 
 As originally produced at Peacock's Opera House, Moravia, N. Y«, 
 
 under the direction of the author. 
 
 With the orisnnal Cast of Characters, Entrances and Exits, Belt* 
 
 tive positions of the performers on the stage, and the whole 
 
 of the stage business carefully marked from the 
 
 author's original manuscript. 
 
 Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1888, 6y 
 
 A. D. AMES, 
 In the office of the Librarian of Congress, at Wathingioiu 
 
 
 
 0^, 
 
 '■/V cu v»l' 
 
 t CLYDE, OHIO, t 
 
 A. D. AMES, PUBLISHER. 
 
THE AFFLICTED FAMILY, 
 
 Cast of characters as first performed at Moravia, N. Y., Wednesday 
 Evening, March, l@th, 1880. 
 
 C. Crotchet, (a retired merchant, sick 
 
 in the spleen) Malcolm Taylor, 
 
 B. Frizzy, {a barber, addiated to punning 
 
 and scrapes i G. W. Teed. 
 
 Dr. G. Linton, {a practical physician, 
 
 troubled with patients) F. W. Collins. 
 
 L. Staple, (a young merchant, subject to 
 
 bashjulness) .\ L. W. Brown. 
 
 Clarence, (a student, inclined to ale) B. H. Bowen. 
 
 John Henry, {a man servant, complain- 
 
 ^ ing of nothing to do) A.J. Chandler. 
 
 I. Seizer, {a Constable, used to take away 
 
 bad effects) J. H. Rollo. 
 
 Mrs. Crotchet, {an invalid, ill with ner- 
 vousness) Mrs. J. H. Rollo. 
 
 Daisy, her daughter,) >, ., ^ , 7 .^. 
 Dolly; her nie?e, \ ^^^^ «-^^^^^^ ^^«^ 
 
 a disease of the ) Miss Alice Greenfield, 
 
 heart, called love.) Miss Julia E. Tuthill. 
 
 Dorothy, (a maiden aunt, afflicted with 
 
 deafness, knitting, and a poodle dog Mrs. L. Smith. 
 Betty, (a maid servant, suffering out of 
 
 sympathy for Frizzy ) Mrs. E. R. Waldron, 
 
 Time — the presen. 
 
 Scene — London and Suberbs* 
 
 ACT I.—The Invalid's at Home 
 
 ACT II.— A Barber's Scrape. -- 
 
 ACT III.— A Lover's Luck. 
 
 ACT IV.— A Sure Our*. 
 
 Costumes — Modern. 
 
 Time of performance — One and three-fourth hours 
 
?^^s^^ 
 
 IN IFFLICTED FAMILY. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 SCENE 1.— Chamber in Crotchet's house— door in the c, two doors »., and 
 door and curtained alcove L. R. F. a toilet stand and sofa, hand mirror on 
 toilet stand— to F. an arm chair, and a table with hand-bell, books, writing 
 material, medicine bottles, pill boxes and powder packages. In the back- 
 ground, L.,a closet, and a screen shower bath b. John and Betty discov- 
 ered. 
 
 John, {lounging on safa) After a fashion, this is living. There it is 
 nine o'clock and not one of the family up yet. {he gets up-stretchtng) 
 Oh 1 hum ; what lazy times I have, to be sure. 
 
 Betty, {busy dusting) Come, John Henry, you are forgetting your break- 
 fast, cook and me have eaten ours. 
 
 John. How can a man eat when he's not hungry ? 
 
 Betty- Not hungry ? Your appetite heretofore was very good. 
 
 John. Heretofore? Yes, that's it exactly. Heretofore I had a wagon 
 load of goods sent off, twenty barrels rolled out of the cellar, boxes piled, 
 and the stock all laid out by this time : but now-(ya«>mn5)— oh, hum, 
 since we have retired, and I wear this livery, my appetite has left me. 
 
 Betty, {sarcastically) How awful sad. , j 
 
 John. But that is not the saddest part. Through having nothing to d 
 am beginning to have all kinds ot foolish thoughts. 
 
 Betty. Do thev only come to you through doing nothing? 
 
 John. Yes. {edging up to her) But I say, Betty, I have known you over 
 two years now, yet I am just beginning to find out that you are not such 
 bad company after all. , , ^ ,. , 
 
 Betty. It is certainly a sign of foolishness that you have not discovered 
 that before. 
 
 John. Better late than never. 
 about to embrace her, Crotchet's head, in night-cap, appears through curtain. 
 
 Crotchet. John. 
 
 John, {busying himself ) Yes, sir. 
 Crot. Hasn't the doctor been here yet? 
 
 John. No, sir. ^, .^,, i • i j 
 
 Crot Call me immediately when he comes. {he withdraws his head 
 
 John. All right, Mr. Crotchet, (to Betty) Let's see, dear Betty, where 
 were we when we got interrupted? 
 Betty. At your foolishness. 
 John. Oh yes, at my love. Well, Betty, I can sincerely say — 
 
 Again about to embrace her, Mrs. Crotchet sticks her head, in night-cap, out of 
 
 Mrs C. Has the doctor not been here yet ? 
 John, {busying himself) No, Mrs. Crotchet. 
 
 Mrs C Oh, my poor head. What keeps him? {she retires 
 
 John. Ah, they appear well to-day. First the noise goes to her nerves, 
 than that goes to the old fellow's spleen, than that goes to the young 
 
^ AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. 
 
 master's stomach, then that goes to the young misses' heart, and at last w« 
 goes to the apothecary's. Do you know, Betty, I believe it is a sign of 
 good health when a man feels so— embracing, as it were. 
 
 Betty. From doing nothing, eh ? 
 
 John. No, Betty, but feeling, let me inform you— 
 
 {again about to embrace her, Daisy protrudes her head out of 1st d. r. 
 
 Daisy. Is the doctor here yet, Betty ? 
 
 Betty. No, miss, not yet. 
 
 Daisy. I wish to speak to him when he comes. {she retires 
 
 John. Ah ! do you. Miss Daisy? I declare a fellow can't get a chanc* 
 to express himself with their doctor here and doctor there. Stop dusting, 
 Betty, and pay attention to me while I tell you — 
 
 {again about to embrace her 
 
 Enter Dorothy, knitting, L. D. 
 
 Dorothy. Hasn't the doctor been here yet ? 
 
 John, {growling) No, he won't be here for a long time. 
 
 Dor. Gone home? Why, when did he go? 
 
 John, {loudly) He isn't here yet ! 
 
 Betty, {louder) Not here yet! 
 
 Dor. Ah, yes, here, here. (««*^» ^' •• 
 
 John. Well, now, I hope I'll have a chance to speak. 
 
 {again to about embrace her 
 
 Enter Dolly, with hat and cloak on, c. d. 
 
 Dolly. Has the doctor not arrived yet? 
 Betty. No, Miss Dolly. 
 
 Dolly, {aside) Then I am yet in time. I will make my toilet now— you 
 will pleose assist me, Betty. {exit a, 1 ■. 
 
 Betty. rU be there immediately, miss. {about to go 
 
 John, {trying to detain her) Stay with me yet a little longer, Betty. 
 Betty. No, no, let me go. There's the young master. 
 
 ybreaks from him and exit*, a. 1 i. 
 
 Enter Clarence, c. n. 
 
 Jofcn. Gracious, Master Clarence, how you do look ! 
 
 Clarence. Oh, I feel bad, too. Did any one notice that I did not come 
 home last night? 
 
 John. Only your cousin — the others did not. 
 
 Clar. Oh, dear! What shall I do? 
 
 John. But I told her that you hadn't been to bed all night, because you 
 were studying, and that you went off to the college very early this morn- 
 ing. 
 
 Clar. Did you ? Oh, oh ! {sitting on chair and holding head 
 
 John. You had a little too much, {pantomimes drinking) Didn't you? 
 
 Clar. Oh, I feel so miserable! 
 
 John. But what is the matter with you ? 
 
 Clar. Oh, John, I was on a jamboree last night. 
 
 John. A jamboree? That sounds dreadful — very unbecoming to ft 
 young man of your age. 
 
 Clar. I'm awfully sick at my stomach. 
 
 John. Ah, yes, I know that sickness — but wait, give me a sixpence ana 
 I will bring you a splendid remedy. 
 
 Clar. {gixnng coin) Here, go and get it as soon as possible. 
 
 John, (aside) He's a sick dog. {exit, c. D. 
 
 Clar. {rising) I feel as though my head was three times as big as usual 
 — I believe my hat has become too small for me. {removes hat) Oh, I'm 
 so tired I can scarcely keep my eyes open, {drops down on the sofa) I 
 must have rest, {yawns) Oh, hum. {/alls asleep 
 
AN AFFLICTED FAMILY, $ 
 
 Enter Crotchet, in dressing gown and cap, with three letters in his hand, from 
 curtained alcove. 
 
 Crotchet. Three more business letters. It's provoking that they won't 
 let a sick man alone. I should not have given up my warehouse if I had 
 wished to buy and sell as they want me to do. {sits down in arm chair and 
 calls) Daisy— It's rest I want, health I want, but not a bit of business. 
 
 Enter Daisy, quickly, R. 1 e. 
 
 Daisy, {throwing her arms about his neck and kissing htm) Good morn- 
 ing, denr papa. 
 
 Crot. {gruffly) Oh don't do that. Every person has nerves, and it does 
 seem the more sensitive they are, the more likely they are to be shocked. 
 I am very nervous — that I have told a hundred times. 
 
 Daisy. Come now, don't be angry, papa. You called me, what do you 
 want? 
 
 Crot. 1 have three letters that I wish you to answer for me, declining all 
 offers— everything. Do you hear ? {he opens the letters and reads them, 
 Daisy looking over his shoulder) The people shall leave me alone — I want 
 nothing— nothing at all. Oh, don't stand behind my back that way, you 
 annoy me. {he pulls her around in front 
 
 Daisy. Formerly you used to like it, papa. 
 
 Crot. Formerly ? Nonsense ! Then I had so much else to do that I 
 could not take care of my body; now I suffer the consequences. There, 
 take the letters, {gives her them) Go now and answer them — Stop, first 
 tell me how do I look to-day ? 
 
 Daisy. Why as usual, papa. 
 
 Crot. As usual ? Nonsense! Tell me the truth. 
 
 Daisy, {pertly) Well, papa, to be real candid, you appear a little bit 
 cross. 
 
 Crot. Cross ? Humph, nonsense ! Good humor is not a woolen under- 
 garment that a person can put on or off at pleasure, {opening book) Look, 
 here it is printed. Through the working of the liver, the mental operations 
 of men are regulated, as the action of it is so is that of the mind. Now I 
 want to know how I look — yellow or white? 
 
 Daisy. Not the least yellow — rather pale, papa. 
 
 Crot. {startled) Pale ? Now we have it. There is something the 
 matter with my spleen. Yes, yes ! I feel it now. Oh, oh I 
 
 {pressing his left side 
 
 Daisy. You did not understand. I said rather pale than yellow. You 
 have more color than common. 
 
 Crot. Color? Than common I Let me see. {turns leaves in the book 
 and reads) "Remarkable color, a symptom of congestion of the brain." 
 Heavens! Give me a Dover powder directly. 
 
 {searches for a package of powders 
 
 Daisy. What for, dear father ? 
 
 Crot. It is an attack of paralysis ails me. Let me take that looking- 
 glass. 
 
 Daisy, (handing hand -mirror) Here, papa. 
 
 Crot. {looking in glass and protuding tongue) Yes, my tongue is very 
 much coated. 
 
 Daisy. Coated? Yours is certainly a very respectable looking tongue, 
 papa. 
 
 Crot. That is so, my tongue is actually getting longer, and my pupils ar« 
 growing bifrger. 
 
 Daisy. That is natural, dear father. 
 
 Crot. Natural! What? 
 
 Daisy. Why, that Cousin Dolly and myself, who are your pupils, should 
 grow bigger. 
 
e AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. 
 
 Crot. stop your poor jokes on such a serious subject as health is. Sit 
 down now and write these answers for me. 
 
 Daisy. Directly, papa. I must read them over first, (going to sofa she 
 tits down on Clarence, then jumps up, screaming) Oh, oh, oh I 
 
 Crot. {started) Gracious, don't frighten me bo I 
 
 Enter Mrs. Crotchet, suddenly, with her hands on her ears, r. 1 ■. 
 
 Urs C. My poor head ! Who sreamed then. You, Daisy ? 
 
 Daisy. Oh, I almost sat on him — it is Clarence ! 
 
 Mrs C. Clarence ! Where? The child, I hope, is not sick. 
 
 [she goes to the sofa 
 
 Crot. (also going to sofa) Clarence ? 
 
 Clar. (in his sleep) I take it, and go you one better. 
 
 Crat. Heavens! The boy is delirious! Clarence, Clarence! 
 
 (shaking him 
 
 Clar. (sitting up, rubbing his eyes) Good evening, father. 
 
 Crot. Child, what has happened to you ? How you do look! 
 
 Clar. (arousing) It is — it will — it was too warm in the college. I don't 
 know myself what is the matter with me. 
 
 Mrs C. That comes from such close study — I always said so. The child 
 has my nervous tempermeut. Oh, what won't 1 live to see yet! 
 
 (dropping in chair, overcome 
 
 Crot. My goodness, wife, pacify yourself, (fanning her 
 
 Enter Dorothy knitting, L. D. 
 
 Mrs C. (loudly) Dorothy, poor Clarence is sick to-day. 
 
 Dor. (dryly) Yes, very nice weather to-day. 
 
 Crot. (at table, getting a box of bills — loudly) Poor Clarence is sick I He 
 !• 10 tender. 
 
 Dor. Yes, Clarence is growing slender. 
 
 Crot. (aside) Good lord ! (loudly, in her ear) I — said — he — was — sick. 
 
 Dor. Oh, sick. Is that what you said ? Poor boy. (going to sofa 
 
 Clar. I presume it will soon pass away. 
 
 Dor. Shail 1 get my rheumatic antidote? 
 
 Crot. (loudly) Nonsense ! (to Clarence) Here, take some of my anti- 
 bilious pills. (offering him some 
 
 Mrs C. (aside) 0, my poor head with that yelling! (aloud) No, not 
 pills, my son. I will give you some of my nervine drops, (going for bottle 
 
 Crot. Nonsense ! They are entirely too mild for his case. The first 
 thinjr to do is to set the liver to work, (feeling his head) His head is fever- 
 ifh, too. 
 
 Dor. Yes, fever few is good. 
 
 Mrs G. Come, my darling, go to your room. I will bring you some 
 beef-tea. 
 
 Clar. (rising) Plain tea, please, mamma. 
 
 Enter John, with plate, c. d. 
 
 John. Sir, here he is. 
 All. The doctor? 
 
 John, (confused.) No, a pickled herring for Master Clarence. 
 Mrs C. What does the child want with a pickled herring? 
 John. H'm ! Perhaps to examine the bones, as an anatomical study. 
 Mrs C. You are in no condition to study now, Clarence. Go to bed like 
 a good boy. (taking his arm 
 
 Crot. Yes, to bed — to bed. (Mr. and Mrs. Crotchet lead him off, l. 
 
 Dor. Yes, a poultice of bread will do him good. (exit, R. 
 
 Jtaity. I am of the impression he is not a very dangerous patient. 
 
 (exit, B. 1 1. 
 
AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. 7 
 
 John, {looking from the departing persons to his plate) A nice pickle he 
 is in 1 Hum I How nice and sweet he smells. 1 am afraid he will get intd 
 the wrong stomach. Mine is not sour. He looks at me so temptingly, I 
 believe I will turn Jonah and swallow him. {exit, U, 
 
 Enter Doctor Linton and Staple, c. d. 
 
 Doctor. So, dear friend, at last I have you here. Now pull yourself to- 
 gether and lay aside your natural diffidence for an hour. 
 
 Staple. Oh, if I only could do that. 
 
 Doc. Well, if you cannot do that you are not worthy such a lovely crea- 
 ture as Miss Daisy is. 
 
 Staple. And that I am not. I feel so small and insignificent in contrast 
 with these rich people, that is the reason why 1 have never dared to enter 
 the house before. 
 
 Doc. Yes, and if your charmer herself had not let me into the secret, 
 and I had not half forced you here to-dny, you might, perhaps, have pined 
 in silence for years yet, while she would have taken a man who was not so 
 afraid. 
 
 Staple. It is not fear, doctor. I am only modest. 
 
 Doc. Yes, far too modest. That won't do now-a-days, it is not practical. 
 You will never get along in the world that way. A man must always 
 make more of himself than there is, or else other people won't make anyr 
 thing of him. Above all, a merchant should not be modest, either in trade 
 or love, else he will not succeed in either, but lose a good bargain in each. 
 
 Staple. I know you are not only a practical doctor, but also a practical 
 man. Practice is what I want, as well as custom. Now I will follow your 
 advice, even if it goes against my nature, and may love strengthen and in- 
 spire me. 
 
 Doc. Inspire, yes. Strengthen, no. Love weakens the man — it is an 
 abnormal condition. Symptoms — throbbing of thi heart, heavy pulse, 
 melancholy, sleeplessness, moonshine, and esjiecially wandering of the 
 mind. 
 
 Staple. Those are my symptoms exactly. 
 
 Doc. Therefore it is high time you were married, that your case may 
 not become clyonic. For love there is but one remedy, that is wedlock — 
 though the cure is often worse than the disease. Still, try it. Eeceipt — get 
 papa's permission and win her to name the happy day. Get married as 
 soon as possible, go on your wedding tour, and when the honeymoon is 
 over every vestige of the disease will be gone. 
 
 Staple, {sighing) Ah ! I'm afraid you have never been in love. 
 
 Doc. Ha'l Me in love? Yes, but only on a scientific basis. I love my 
 patients — when they are sick. But now, dear friend, I will leave you to 
 your fate — remember none but the brave deserve the fair. {about to leave 
 
 Staple, {holding out his hand) Must you go so soon? 
 
 Doc. {taking it) Yes, 1 have other dangerous patients to attend on. In 
 half an hour I will be here again. {trying to withdraw 
 
 Staple, {holding on to his hand) But stay, have you not some patients 
 here ? 
 
 Doc. {sneeringly) Ha! Yes of the worst kind. People who are really, 
 not sick. The only one who troubles me is — ahem — Miss Dolly. I am not 
 certain about her case. Well, so long. {tri/ijig to get away again 
 
 Staple, {still holding on) You are not going to leave me alone, are you ? 
 
 Doc. Certainly. Should Mr. Crotchet come in you would undoubtedly 
 be embarrassed in declaring your suit before me. 
 
 Staple. But remember he does not know me yet. 
 
 Doc. Oh, pshaw I Directions — you say you are Mr. Crotchet — I am Mr. 
 Staple; then he will know who you are, and you will know who he is. 
 Next, you will say I love your daughter, may I have her. And he will 
 answer yes or no. Then you will abide by his decision or not, as you see 
 fit. {aside) There is nothing like being practical. {exit,c.O. 
 
• AN A FFLICTED FAMIL Y. 
 
 Staple, {trembling) O, dear ! Dare I risk it? All he said sounds easy 
 enough, but. heigh-ho, it will be hard for ine. With Miss Daisy now I 
 could talk easier; with one look I could express so much, and with one 
 fiance she would nnswer me as much — then I could pmir out my whole 
 heart in a sigh, and one pressure of her hand, and she with onesqueeze and 
 Bigh wou d auswer me infinitely as much. JJow with the father the con- 
 veraation will be more extended. Oh gracious! Here he is now I 
 
 {he steps back, shyly 
 » Enter Crotchet, L, 
 
 Crot. {musivg) fncompreheusible sudden illness. Humph 1 Can it be 
 that the dry air is the causp. {sitting down at table) I remember seeing 
 his symptoms mentioned somewhere. Let me see. (takes book) He coni- 
 
 Jlained of having a swelled head— swelled head— "a sign of dro^ysy, water 
 isease." Why, how can that be when he never drinks water. Can it be 
 lea sickness? 
 Staple. Ahem I 
 
 Orot. But he may also have fever. At any rate I will give him some of 
 ■ay pills. They are good for everything. 
 Staple. If you please, sir. 
 
 Crot. {looking around) Ah I Someone here? 
 Staple, {advancing sheepishly) Have I the honor of addressing Mr. 
 
 Crot. That is my name. 
 
 Staple. My name is Staple, sir. I am a merchant. 
 
 Orot. {aside) Very likely a travelling agent, {aloud) I am very much 
 engaged at present, sir. 
 
 Staple, {tivirling his hat) I only wish to take the liberty— (cir-oppm^r it) 
 Oh, beg pardon, sir. {picking it up 
 
 Crot. lam sorry, but I do not need anything. I neither drink wine, 
 nor smoke cigars, so good-day, sir. 
 
 Staple. I do not wish to speak of either wine or cigars — my business is of 
 amerent nature — 
 
 Crot. I do not transact any business now. {looking over the book 
 
 Staple. But there are cases ^-- 
 
 Crot. I have enough cases. I am no longer a merchant— again, good- 
 day. 
 
 Staple. If you would only have the goodness to try 
 
 Crot. I try nothing. Do not trouble yourself any further, young man; 
 you only waste your time uselessly. I have other matters to attend to. 
 
 {sitting to read again 
 
 Staple. As you please, {aside) I must try once more, {stepping for- 
 ward) Sir, 1 had the honor of dancing twice with your daughter last 
 winter. ^ J s 
 
 Crot. {rising again) This is too much. Young man, do you think, be- 
 cause you have danced with my daughter that I am going to let you im- 
 pose upon me? Leave me alone— but first as a piece of advice, let ma 
 worn you to break yourself of your barefaced forwardness. 
 
 {he walks up and down, excitedly 
 
 Enter Mrs. Crotchet, l. 
 
 Mrs C. What shall we do, husband? Clarence is getting worse ; he is 
 swimming in the head. 
 
 Crot. Worse? Swimming? Oh, if the doctor would only come. Last 
 vacation the boy made a voyage to Holland— Can it be possible it is sea- 
 sickness ails him after all. {exit, l. 
 
 Staple, {aside) Ho, ho ! The mother ? {he advances 
 
 Mrs C. {hunting for something) Where can my husband have put those 
 •leeping powders? 
 
 Staple. Please excuse me, madam, for intruding myself. My name is 
 Btaple, I am a merchant. 
 
AN A FFL HIT ED FA MIL Y. 9' 
 
 Mrs C. {still hunf.iiKj) This is very jigreeable. 
 
 Staple. You appear to b.; N-olci ,l,' l->r s Tnothing madam? I called to sett 
 if ] could find — 
 
 Mrs C. {still hunting) A box of powders. 
 
 Staple. No, madam, I called to see Mr. Crotchetoii, to me, very important 
 business. 
 
 Mrs C. You must excuse my husband to-day, sir. We have a very sick 
 child — 
 
 Staple. Your dau<?hter? {droping his hat and seizing her bu the wrist) 0,, 
 lord ! 
 
 Mrs C. Oh, how you frightened me I Mj poor nerves. 
 
 Staple. le your daughter very sick ? 
 
 Mrs C. No, it is our Bon. 
 
 Staple. Thank God 1 {picking up his hat 
 
 Mrs C. {aside) Thank God ? What kind of a person is this ? 
 
 Staple. Madam, I had the honor of dancing twice with your daughter 
 laet winter. 
 
 Mrs C. But the subject to-day is our Clarence, {again hunting) Where 
 can those powders be ? 
 
 Staple, (aside) Those confounded powders. I will help her to find 
 them, and thereby ingratiate myself into her good graces, {helps her hunt) 
 Madam, this may not be a suitable time, yet I again venture to — {upsets a. 
 bottle) Oh, my, forgive me I 
 
 Mrs C. my smelling salts — horrid wretch! John 1 John I {calling 
 
 Staple, {aside) I hope she ia not going to have me kicked out. 
 
 {picking tip the glass 
 Enter John^ l. 
 
 John. Well, ma'am ? 
 
 Mrs C. Go quick to the apothacary's and get a bottle of smelling salts. 
 
 John. Yes, ma'am, I will. 
 
 Staple. Do forgive me, madam. 
 
 Mrs C. When I have one of my spells on me and have no smelling salts 
 — oh, oh ! {sinking as if to faint, then recovering) It might be the death of 
 me. ' {exit, l. 
 
 John, {aside) Now what can be want here? 
 
 Staple. My good felloTf, my name is Staple, I am a merchant. 
 
 John. That is what I was for a long time 
 
 Staple. I have something of very great importance to say to Mr. Crotchet. 
 
 John. Then you will have to come some other time. If yon wish, 1 will 
 arrange an interview for you. {he holds his hands out 
 
 Staple, {taking and shaking it) Thank you. 
 
 John, {aside) He don't seem to take the hint to tip me. What do you 
 want anyway ? 
 
 Staple. I had the privilege of dancing with Mr. Crotchet's daughter twice 
 last winter — 
 
 John, {looking at his empty hand) Ha I If you did not pay any more 
 than that for it, you had it cheap — {exit, l. 
 
 Staple. Now I am as wise as before. Not a person lets me come to the 
 point, although in a most persistant manner I did my best to get there. 
 And that to-day the son should become sick is just my luck. How the 
 doctor will make fun of me when I tell him I have actually said nothing. 
 
 Enter Dorothy, knitting, r. 2 R. 
 
 Dor. I presume the doctor is here by this time. 
 
 Staple. Excuse me, madam, I am a friend of yours — 
 
 Dor. Thank you very much, my nephew is now a little better, praise God. 
 
 Staple. Is that so? It pleases me. {aside) The aunt, maybe the good 
 *ngel of the house. I will try once more with her. {to her) My name i& 
 Btaple, I am a merchant — 
 
 Dor. {not hearing) You see the poor boy, our Clarence, studies to hard. 
 
10 AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. 
 
 Staple, (aside) Clarence again ! It is enough to drive a man to distrac- 
 tion Madam, a personal matter brought me to this house. ,|,^_,^i,^« 
 %or Clarence will be very glad to know his friends concern the m9elve8 
 about him Will you not take a chair? (voinUng to chair and sitting herself 
 
 S^a^Sr ( J<z-n/do«.n) You are very kfnd. Your friendliness makes me 
 hope I may interest you in my behalf. 
 
 Dor. Were you with Clarence at the school / 
 
 Staple. No, madam, but I had the pleasure of dancing with your neice 
 twice'last winter. ^ c - ^t- 
 
 Dor. Oh, dance. A very nice way of enpyment u^„^rr.c. hMtt^r 
 
 Staple. Yes, and I have since had the good fortune to become better 
 acquainted with your neice. 
 
 Dor In my day the minuet was very fashionable, sir. 
 
 ^tavle Uxcitedlv) She threw such a mftgnetic spell upon me, that a- 
 thSTtuld c3ir it a great blessing to be allowed to pay my addresses 
 
 ''tr\ "^ tV^y ;fcT;lun"g'm:n:^ ^wTat a pity he does not speak a 
 
 ^'^ftavitTalide) She still looks pleasant, I will speak more freely. I^ 
 one word, Sam, I am dead in love with your neice, and came hereto-day 
 with the full intention to ask for her hand. , 
 
 Dor. Yes, yes, first figure, give your partner your right band 
 
 Staple. How pleasant it is for a loving heart to knowthat i>^«^.'^t repeU- 
 
 ed? You have influence in this house-you witt succeed in loming\.v^o 
 
 loving souls together. In you we confide our hopes for the future, know- 
 
 . ng yfu will not disabuse our trust; and be as»^-d of our undying gratitude 
 
 DoT {after a pause) Have you been to the Zoological Gardens this year 
 
 ^Vtaple. To the Zoological Gardens? Heavens, madam 1 do you mean to 
 make fun of my holiest feelings? 
 
 Dor. Yes, the kangaroos ai-e funny fellows. 
 
 ^aple. Kangaroos ? My lord, madam, have I expressed myself so unin- 
 
 '"'ll^^'^^f^urbed) We go out there in the carriage aln-Bt every week. 
 Staple, This is unendurable ! {rising and walking up and down excitedly 
 
 Enter Doctor, L. 
 
 Doc. Well, how goes it, Staple? , . , i ^„* «f mir 
 
 Staple. You came at the right time, friend, for I am nearly out of my 
 
 right mind. . , • 
 
 Doc. That is natural. You want to get married. 
 
 Staple. But tell me what ails this woman ? Is ^^^— {touching hut head 
 Doc. Non compus mentis f No, only very deaf. 
 Staple. Deaf? The devil ! 
 
 Doc. Why, have you been pleading your case with her? ^ >^^, ,„. 
 
 iitaple. Yes, confound me for a fool, {about to leave, runs against Crotchet 
 
 Enter Crotchet, l. 
 
 Crot Heavenly father! That fellow here yet? Oh, my stomach I 
 U7ut. XX 7 J [putiing his hand on his Stomach 
 
 Staple. Excuse me, sir ; please do. . . vr „ rx.r.f^h^* 
 
 ^ (again about to leave, runs against Mrs. Crotchet 
 
 Enter Mrs. Crotchet, u. 
 -That was certainly unintentional, madam, {aside) I run ^^°"J^^^[^ ^^''^J'^ 
 ""^Jfrf C.^'^Heh,* has the man no eyes? Well, dear doctor, how fs'^'it with 
 our Clarence ? 
 
AN A FFLICTED FA MIL F. 11 
 
 Doc. Do not be alarmed, madam ; a few hours sleep and he will be fully 
 recovered. Nothing ails him of any consequence. 
 
 Grot. Nothing of consequence ? You say that of me when I am almost 
 dead. 
 
 Mrs C. There must be somethiug the matter with him, 
 
 Crot. His complaint must have some name? 
 
 Doc. Well, then, if you must know positively it is only a little excite- 
 ment of the nerves: his whole system is shattered. There is no trifling 
 with the nerves. I can speak from experience. 
 
 Crot. You take the matter too lightly. My wife is right; our whole 
 family are nervous. 
 
 Doc. {aside) The whole family will drive me distracted with their 
 nerves. 
 
 Crot. Those only can sympathize with the sick who are not well them- 
 selves. My tongue is all coated again to-day, and in my left side I have a 
 constant pain. Please examine my pulse. (holding out his right hand 
 
 Doc. (feeling his pulse) Quite natural. 
 
 Mrs C. Please mine, too, dear doctor. (holding oUt hers 
 
 Doc. {feeling hersi] Also in order. You are both quite well. 
 
 Mrs C. What is that? We well, Crotchet? We well? 
 
 Crot. As if I kept a doctor to tell me every day that I was well. If I 
 were well I wouldn't have such a pain here in my side when I press it. 
 
 Doc. It pains only when you press it? 
 
 Crot. Yes. 
 
 Doc. Then you mustn't press it— that is easily cured. Your whole sick- 
 ness consists of your brooding upon yourself. You are always imagining 
 Bomethincr ails you. You do not take exercise enough. 
 
 Crot. That I do not think necessary. 
 
 Doc. You do not live plain enough ; you eat too rich and highly season- 
 ed food. 
 
 Mrs C. We have the wherewith to live well; yes, thank heaven, the 
 means are ours. 
 
 Doc. You must busy yourself more — work. 
 
 Grot. I work ? I have no need to do that. 
 
 Doc. Chop some W(>od every day. 
 
 Grot. Chop some wood, eh ? So there is nothing ails me but that? 
 
 Doc. No, nothing; else. Now you must excuse me for to-day, I have some 
 more patients whom I must visit. [about to go 
 
 Mrs C. No, doctor, you won't leave us that way to-day. Be seated a 
 moment longer. 
 
 Crot. Yes, yes, I have made me out a perscriptlon from my medical 
 lexicon. Just wait a minute till I return. [exit in alcove 
 
 Mrs C. Yes, and I will also show you my receipts. [exit, B. 2 K. 
 
 Dor. [aside] I will bring my little dog Fido, and ask the doctor's advice 
 about him. [exit, L. 
 
 Doc. The most pitiful of all things is a man under a delusion ! Glorified 
 Schiller, thou art too true when thou sayest: "The medical science has ad- 
 vanced so far, that at the present day it would prove a problem for a hy- 
 percritic." 
 
 Enter Daisy and Dolly, r. 1 B. 
 
 Daisy, [dratoing herself up] No, no, I won't let you go. Doctor, I bring 
 J ou here a real patient. 
 
 Dolly. Do not believe her, doctor. 
 
 Daisy. Now just let me speak. You have yourself observed how g%j 
 and lively she used to be. She laughed, and joked, and sang the whole 
 day long like a lark. 
 
 Doc. To be sure I have noticed a change. 
 
 Daisy. Just so, now she mopes like a canary bird when it moulti. See 
 how she drops her head and wings, and how pale she looks I 
 
 Dolly. Now, Daisy, I am not pale, whatever you say. 
 
It AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. 
 
 Doc. With your permiesion. [he feels her pulse] Indeed you are not 
 pale, I find you rather colored. 
 
 Daisy. Truly, now she is flushed I That is a symptom of fever. 
 
 Dolly. I am quite well. 
 
 Doc. Your pulse is certainly higher than natural, miBS. 
 
 Daisy. And the worst of it is, it is impossible to get her to attend the 
 theater and balls now, and you will acknowledge that a young lady who 
 does not attend such amusements must certainly be ill. 
 
 Doc. You are right ; you should become a doctress. 
 
 Daisy. I'd rather be a merchant's wife. I am sorry I have prepared 
 myself to receive your friend since he has not come. Did you not bring 
 me a word from him ? 
 
 Doc. Staple said he would attend to his own aflfairs to-day. {takes out his 
 doctor case) I would like to prescribe for you to-day miss. 
 
 Enter Crotchet and Mrs. C.jrom opposite sides with fapers in their hands 
 
 Grot. Here, dear doctor, I have brought it. We will together — 
 Mrs C. Here, doctor, is my — 
 
 77t,ey both seize the doctor by the arm and take him away from the girls, both 
 speaking at once. 
 
 Crot. Allow me to speak first, wile ; my case is the most critical, because 
 it is chronic, yours is acute. [Mrs. Crotchet stands apart with girls 
 
 Doc. Well, what is it then? 
 
 Crot. Here I have a correct diagnosis of my disease, and by it you will 
 fgee that my side does ache, the result of the delicate condition of my liver ; 
 and my spleen is also affected, that accounts for my abseutmindedness. 
 
 [gives him paper 
 
 Doc. [aside, looking at it] Yes, he is incomprehensible, [reads'] Noth- 
 ing but bosh. Where in wonder did you come across all this ? 
 
 Crot. Ah! Then that impresses you, does it? [getting a big book from the 
 table] Here, this Medical Family Friend is the book. 
 
 Doc. [taking it] Yes, I should say it was the book. 
 
 Crot. [taking a small book out of his vest pocket] And then look here; 
 "The Little Home Doctor, or the secrets of gaining health in twenty four 
 hours." [handing it 
 
 Doc. [looking at it] How long have you had this? 
 
 Crot. Over lour months. 
 
 Doc. And not well yet? This is really marvelous. I suppose I will 
 have to prescribe lor you. 
 
 Crot. Yes do. [aside, rubbing his hands] Thank heaven, at last. 
 
 Doc. Here, take both the books and throw them into the fire. 
 
 [handing them back 
 
 Crot. What tor? Why? [laying them aside] Now proceed: my liver 
 is torpid — 
 
 Doc. I assure you, your liver is quite sound. 
 
 Crot. How can you say that again? Is it your liver or mine? You 
 haven't it in your body, I have it in mine ; I should know best how I feel. 
 You will force me to engage another doctor. [sinking into arm-chair 
 
 Doc. As you please, but he won't have it in his body either. 
 
 Daisy, [going to and kneeling down by her father] Dear papa I 
 
 Mrs C. [advancing] Now, if you please, doctor. 
 
 Doc. [looking at his watch] It is so late? I must go now, madam. I 
 will come again to-morrow. [about to go 
 
 Mrs C. Do at least look at this receipt. I have selected it myself from 
 the receipts of my departed grandmother. This one will certainly benefit me. 
 
 [handing him paper 
 
 Doc. [aside, reading it] A nice little poison ! Enough to exterminate 
 the whole family. " [he crumvles it and puts it in his pocket 
 
AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. U 
 
 Mrs G. And here. Otaraxoacum — what do you think of this? 
 
 [handing him another 
 
 Doc. Lord of Heaven I [also doing same with it 
 
 Crot. [j-t.vi/i^] Ye3, I advised her to talce that. 
 
 Doc. [taking Ida fiat] We will speak more of this to-morrow. I hart 
 more important patients to attend on. 
 
 Mrs C. More important! So we are not important enough, heh? 
 
 [tossing her head 
 
 Dolly. But, dear aunt — [going to her 
 
 Crot. Yes, my wife is right. I, too, have had my fill ; to have formally 
 to beg of my family physician for a simple prescription. Bah I 
 
 Doc. [angrily] lam not one of those unconscientious doctors who write 
 superfluous prescriptions to malpractice on well people with until they are 
 really sick. I am too honorable for such artifice. 
 
 Orot. Too honorable? You are too indiflerent, too young, too uninform- 
 ed. Y'ou wish to cover this under your seeming rectitude. 
 
 Doc. Tis fiiUe, sir. This is too bad, but it is all I might expect from 
 people who have no care but to get sick out of ennui. 
 
 Crot. Out oi fyinaif 
 
 Mrs C. Our Clarence's sickness is certainly not caused by ennui. 
 
 Crot. Rather the result of his studying too hard. 
 
 Doc. Studying j)r(iiluces no such effects. His headache is caused by his 
 using hair-dye, his stomach-ache by his getting drunk. There, that's the 
 sum and substance of your son's sickness. 
 
 Mrs C. Hair-dye? Drunk? iMy Clarence? Oh, this is too much. 
 
 (iSAe sinks on the so/a and faints — Dolly rushes to attend her 
 
 Crot. Now she has one of her spells again. 0, you poor afflicted sick 
 man. 
 
 Drops back into the arm chair, rings the hand-bell and takes a pill. Daisy at- 
 tending on him. 
 
 Enter Dorothy icith poodle-dog, L. 
 
 Dor. Good morning, denr doctor. My little Fido did not sleep the whole 
 night. Can you not prescribe for him ? 
 
 Doc. [loudly] Send for the veterinary surgeon, who doctors beasts, 
 madam. 1 have ceased to be physician here. [exit, o. d. 
 
 Dor. My dear little Fido a beast? 
 
 Betty, [appearing at r. 1 e.] The doctor gone ? 
 
 John, [appearing at \.. v.] Y'es, thank God, now they will get well. 
 
 Tableau. — General excitement — Crotchet swallowing pills and yelling, with 
 hand on left side — Daisy atiendinq on him — Mrs. Crotchet recovered, put- 
 ting her hands over her ears, and falling back screaming — Dorothy drop- 
 ping her dog, statids stupidly in center of room, shaking her head — Betty 
 and John at opposite doors, standing with handa upheld — Doctor teen dis- 
 appearing at the back. 
 
 BND OP ACT I. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 SCENE I. — A Barber's Shop, two doors at back , with sign, "Bathroom,** 
 on one to the right, and "Ladies' Hairdressing Parlor" on the one to the 
 left. Two barber chairs, on rollers, to the right, facing mirrors, and 
 shelves rvith shaving utensils on. Door and window, L. Counter with 
 glass case on parelld loith door — a large box, loith cover on, seen behind 
 counter. Hat-rack betioeen the two back doors — table loith newspapers on 
 in the foreground — Frizzy, the barber, discovered honing a razor. 
 
 Frizzy. So Dunbrown is going to seize on my effects, eh? Well, let 
 kirn — when the constable comes he won't find much to levy on. Was ere' 
 
14 AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. 
 
 man in such a blessed funk? Young, willing to work, and as good a bar- 
 ber as is in the city, if I do say it myself, that oughtn't to, here. I am with- 
 out a pound, dunned almost to death by creditors, and threatened with an 
 attachment of debt, \noise heard] Hark! The other outside door slam- 
 med to. Some old maid come to have the back o( her neck shaved, I sup- 
 pose. Well, I'll let her wait a minute, and she'll think I'm busy. There's 
 no use letting folks know if you are ground down to the very edge. Con- 
 found the luck. [^€ throws axjoaj/ the hont 
 
 Enter Betty from Ladies' Parlor. 
 
 Betty, [aside] Ah! There he is, the sweet-smelling, sleek-looking, 
 dear. I feel just like running up and throwing my arms around his neck 
 and kissing him— but of course that wouldn't do. It is best to be a little 
 reserved, particular with lovers. Well, Mr. Frizzy, how are you to-day ? 
 
 [advancing 
 Frizzy. Ah, is you, Betty ? [greeting her 
 
 Betty. It aren't no one else. Aren't you glad to see me ? 
 Frizzy. Yes. But what brings you here? 
 
 Betty. 0, missus sent me with the children to have their hair cut, and 
 knowing you was the best barber, besides being a lov— , friend, I brought 
 'em 'ere. 
 
 Frizzy. Thank you. Where are they ? 
 
 Betty. In the other room— the ladies' parlor. But I say. Frizzy, what 
 for did you throw this thing away as 1 came in ? [picking up the hone 
 
 Frizzy. Oh, I was sighing. 
 
 Betty. Sighing, how ? 
 
 Frizzy. Why, heaving a hone. ' 
 
 Betty. Heaving a hone? Oh, I see. [sighing] Ah-honel But what is 
 the trouble ? It appears to me you're sort of blunt like. 
 
 Frizzy. Sharp rather, for'like a razor I'm strapped. 
 
 Betty. Oh, out of soap, eh ? 
 
 Frizzy. No, I have plenty of soap in the cupboard there. 
 
 Betty. Yes, I'm clean out of money : can't raise a sixpence with the 
 razor, and what is worse, I'm expecting an attachment. 
 
 Betty. An a^.tachment? Ahem ! And who is the happy woman? 
 
 Frizzy. Not that kind of an attachment, thought I am rather drawn to- 
 ward yourself, Betty — but I mean a seizure of my effects for debt. Dunbrown 
 was just here after his bill for five pounds, and threatens if I don't pay to 
 levy on my goods. 
 
 Betty. You don't mean to tell me you are bankrupt ? 
 
 Frizzy. Yes, like a first-class clipper, which I am, I haven't found it 
 smooth sailing of late, and getting into a s^rai;;, I have run aground, and 
 will have to break up. 
 
 Betty. Is that the reason your poles are bare ? 
 
 Frizzy, Yes, but they still show the red, white and blue. 
 
 Betty. So Dunbrown is going to take away all your brushes, combs, 
 sponges and sweet smelling staffs for debt, eh ? 
 
 Frizzy. Such is the dull case, Betty ; but I am afraid when the sheriflF 
 comes he'll find a clear case here, my assortment of toilet articles have 
 lessened somewhat lately; 
 
 Betty. But I say. Frizzy, when you shut up your shop, what are you 
 going to do then? 
 
 Frizzy. Commit suicide I suppose. 
 
 Betty. 0, come now, Frizzy, dont talk so ; what's the use of being down 
 in the mouth — keep a stiff upper lip and hope for better days to come. 
 Now, why don't you engage yourself as some gentleman's gentleman? 
 You're so handy at fixing the men up, I should think you'd do well as a 
 valet. 
 
 Frizzy. I've been thinking of it, Betty, I know I'm clever in that way, 
 
AN A FFLICTED FA MIL Y. 15 
 
 though I don't suppose I would get much wages, still I'd be sure of getting 
 decent garments as livery, which I don't have now. 
 
 Betty. Yes, those as have servants like to have them appear well dress- 
 ed. Look at me — missus gives me all her old gowns, which are as good 
 as new, being but little worn. 
 
 Frizzy. I thought you looked rather neat, as prim as a new suit of 
 clothes. 
 
 Betty. That's because I'm maid to order, d'ye see? 
 
 Frizzy. I supposed seeing you were on hand at such short notice, that 
 you were ready made. 
 
 Betty. That's not bad — but there— the children are getting impatient, 
 restless things ; I have to take a strap to them sometimes, to keep them 
 quiet. So you see I am a barber as well as you, since we both lather shavers. 
 
 Frizzy. To the contrary we are opposites; you raise the shavers to strap, 
 I strap the razors to shave. How's that? 
 
 Betty. Pretty good ; now you're in better spirits, so come and cut the 
 hair of the youngsters. 
 
 Frizzy. I'll get my shears and clip the lambs at once. 
 
 {exit both into Ladies' Parlor 
 
 Enter Doctor Linton, l. 
 
 Doc. {hanging his hat on rack) Well, shall I have my beard shaved oflf 
 or shall I not. To be sure it will make me look younger, besides being 
 cooler, now then the warm weather is coming on. But I'll leave on my 
 mustache, because I heard Miss Dolly say she admired a mustache on a 
 man. I suppose because, practically, it feels so ticklish when he — ahem 1 
 ^looking around^ Hallo! Where is the barber ? Around somewhere, I ex- 
 pect, [looking into Ladies' Parlor^ Ah ! there he is, busy, too, I see. 
 Sorry, for I cannot wait ray turn. [looking at watch'] Half past twelve 
 o'clock. Well, I'll visit a patient on the next street and come back, by 
 that time he'll be disengaged, [taking wrong haf] Thank the Lord I have 
 no imaginary invalids to call on to-day. [exit front door 
 
 Enter Frizzy from Ladies* Parlor. 
 
 Frizzy, [looking around] Who was that came in and went oflF again ? 
 Some one in a hurry, I suppose, who seeing me busy didn't care to wait. 
 Hallo, he's taken the wrong hat ! Gone off with mine and left his. Well, 
 he'll be back after it when he finds out his mistake. 
 
 Enter Betty from Ladies' Parlor. 
 
 Betty. What's the matter, Frizzy, you left so suddenly ? 
 
 Frizzy. A customer came in, and not seeing me about went off again, 
 and the joke is he has taken ray hat instead of his own. 
 
 Betty. Which is the best ? His — well then you aren't the loser by the 
 operation. 
 
 Frizzy. This one is almost new. Ah, here is his name on the inside. 
 Doctor G-a-1-e-n. What's that ? 
 
 Betty. Let me see it. Doctor Galen Linton — why that's the fussy young 
 physician that's been attending on the family I live with. Not much of a 
 doctor, neither, at least he don't seem to be able to cure them, though he's 
 visited them over a month. But to tell the truth, they aren't sick, they 
 only think they are. 
 
 Frizzy. Diseased in the mind only, eh ? 
 
 Betty. Yes, the old gentleman imagines he has the liver complaint, the 
 missus she has had the neuralgia for six months — 
 
 Frizzy. Heh, I should think it would be old ralgia by this time. 
 
 Betty. The old maid aunt is deaf, and has a sick dog ; the young master 
 is kind of queer in the head, while the young miss and the neice are both 
 lovesick, one with a bashful merchant, and the other with the doctor. Ai 
 
^ AN A FFLICTED FAMIL Y. 
 
 * whole they are a strange set; still I have an easy place, so I don't com- 
 plain ; and this doctor he also had an easy thing getting a big fee for call* 
 ing every day just to feel of their pulses. 
 
 Frizzy. But don't he prescribe any remedies for them ? 
 
 Betty. No, not a receipt does he write. 
 
 Frizzy. I should think they would get tired paying for nothing. 
 
 Betty. As I said before, they only imagine they are sick, yet they haye 
 become very much dissatisfied with him, all but the neice, she likes to have 
 him attend on her ; the rest are going to try a new doctor, and have adver- 
 tised for some one to cure them. Have you to- day's paper? 
 
 Frizzy. Yes, here it is. (handing paper 
 
 Betty. Here's the advertisement, (rearf.s) "Fifty pounds reward. Want- 
 ed a professor of medicine to attend on a family of invalids; apply in 
 person with testimonials at Clarence Villa Clapham." I say. Frizzy, why 
 don't you apply for the place? 
 
 Frizzy. Oh, impossible, Betty. In the first place I have no testimonials 
 to show, 
 
 Betty. Write some yourself, and sign some big title to the paper, they 
 won't know the difference. 
 
 Frizzy. But, Betty, some one might recognize me. 
 
 Betty. Oh, disguise yourself in a gray wig and beard, put on spectacles, 
 dress yourself in a black coat and white colar and cravat, carry a gold-headed 
 cane and snuff-box, and no one will ever recognize you. 
 
 Frizzy. But, Betty— 
 
 Betty. Make no excuses now. Frizzy, here is a chance to make a fortune, 
 and you rauattake it. Leave all to me, and I will have you high physician 
 to this family, or my name isn't Betty Bodkin. 
 
 Frizzy. And my barber shop— all my stock and fixtures? 
 
 Betty. Oh, leave them to your creditors; but first I'm going to help my- 
 self to a bottle of scent, may'nt I ? 
 
 Frizzy. Take anything you like, Betty ; look over the things and see 
 what you want, meanwhile, I'll go and finish cutting the children's hair. 
 
 {exi.t into Ladies' Parlor 
 
 Betty. I don't see why he can't fill the position of doctor to the invalids 
 as well as the other chap, who isn't half so clever. Poor, dear, Frizssy, he 
 •do be rather smart and so kind and gentleman-like. Just to think he said 
 I might have what-some-ever I liked among his things. Let me see what 
 there is left, anyhow, {opening case and taking out a nail brush) Ah, here's 
 a baby's hair brush — I'll take that 'cause I might have use for it some day. 
 {puts it in her pocket, then takes out a pot of pomade) And here's a jar of 
 hair-grease, I'll take that, [pockets it ayid looks again) And here, what's 
 this? {takes out a black bottle, labeled "Bay Rum") A black, bottle! B-a-y- 
 r-u-m. criket, Frizzy keeps something strong on har i I see ; I believe I'll 
 take a swallow, for 1 do feel sort of gone-like, {takes a swallow) Ah ! it is 
 snappy, and rather peculiar in taste, (staggering) Why, how funny I do 
 feel in my head — all in a swim, (drops into a chair) I'll lollop in this 
 chair a minute, and maybe the influence of the rum'll pass away. 
 
 {she drops asleep, holding bottle in her hand 
 
 Enter Frizzy from Ladies' Parlor 
 
 Frizzy. I say, Betty, don't stay all day choosing — take what you want, 
 and be done with it. (going to her) What, asleep? Hallo I how's this, 
 my preparation that I use to make the beard growl (taking bottle out of 
 her hand) Well, this is a rum go for certain. Betty took a nip at what was 
 in this bottle, thinking by the label it was rum, and now she's fell into a 
 fit, what'll last at least an hour. But, lordy I what .■'hall I do in case some 
 customers should come? I have it — I'll roll her chair and all into the bath 
 room, and leave her there till she cocoes to. (rools her in the chair into bath' 
 room) Just in time, for I'm blessed if there isn't some one coming now. 
 
 Enter Clarence bj//rontdoor 
 
AN A FFLICTED FAMIL Y. 17 
 
 Clar. Ah 1 Frizzy, thats you, is it? How d'ye do? 
 
 Frizzy. Pretty well, at your service, sir. 
 
 {taking his hat and hanging it upon rack 
 
 Clar. Well, Frizzy, if you will be so obliging, I would have you dye and 
 shingle my hair. 
 
 Frizzy. ' With pleasure ; please be seated, sir. , , , ,. 
 
 [pointing to chair ana holding apron 
 
 Clar. Ah, yes ; and, Frizzy, please do the job so it won't show, and don't 
 Bcorch my hair. {sitting in the chair 
 
 Frizzy. Certainly not ; I always do my customers hair up sleek, sir, 
 being a genuine tonsorial artist, if I do say it myself. {covering him m^A 
 apron and lighting a curling iron lamp, then proceeding to ye his hair) But 
 lordy, sir, how vou do look! 
 
 Clar. Yes, I feel bad— but tell me, Frizzy, is there any sugar of lead or 
 other injurious ingredient in your hair dye? 
 
 Frizzy. Why to be sure not, sir, who said there was? 
 
 Clar. 1 thought there was not, Frizzy, but you see Dr. Linton, the prac- 
 titioner, who has been attending our family lately, declared that the fear- 
 ful pain I have in my head was caused by using nostrums on my hair. 
 Of course I denied using anv', declaring the color and curl of my hair was 
 natural, for it is none of his' business if I do resort to artificial means to en- 
 hance my personal appearance. 
 
 Frizzy. Neither is it, sir, besides, he is an ass to say my "Raven-Lustre 
 Liquid, "contains anything what-some-ever deleterious or other wise injuri- 
 ous to the scalp. ( holding up the bottle proudly 
 
 Clar. Well, never mind what Dr. Linton says— he is lacking both in 
 brains and experience. 
 
 Frizzi/. He must be, sir, to talk so about my world renowned preparation. 
 Why, sir, I have been dyeing individually with it for the last ten years, and 
 I am not dead vet. 
 
 C/ar. 1 should ihink not, for if you are, you are a lively corpse, ha, hal 
 But 1 say Frizzy, that's a deucedly heathenish pun you made. 
 
 Frizzy. Why, hov\% sir ? 
 
 Clar. Because it is a fearfiarous one*. Ha-ha-ha. 
 
 Frizzy. Vtry good, sir; I see you are keen. 
 
 Clar. Yes, when you give me, like your shears, a good point, ha, na, ha I 
 
 Frizzy. You mean when as your mustache, you are drawn out sharp; 
 eh ? 
 
 Qar. Yes, but now let your puns, like my mustache, be waxed to an 
 end. Do not get off any more while you use the iron, for you make m« 
 laugh so I am afraid, you'll burn me. 
 
 Frizzy, {getting and using the iron) No danger, sir for tronically speak- 
 ing, like the Turks, you stand fire at close quarters. 
 
 Clar. Yes, but be careful and not scorch my hair, for it does make such a 
 deuced stink. 
 
 Frizzy. Nor touch those in the hair-em, for fear I might scare em, and 
 make 'em all scatter, harem scarem, eh? {brandishing the curling tongs 
 
 Clar. Now don't. Frizzy, attempt any more, for you make me feel 80 
 queer you do, brandishing the hot tongs the way you are. ^ , , , • 
 
 Frizzy. It is rather a dangerous position you are in, sir, held in tbe 
 chair the way you are ; in fact, it is a chary one. 
 
 Clar. Pooh — thats a poor one — pooh. 
 
 Frizzy. Stop, sir, that isn't fair to steal my trade. , 
 
 Clar. Steal your trade. Frizzy, how, man? 
 
 Frizzy. Why sham-pooning, sir. 
 
 Clar. You tra-duce me Frizzy. 
 
 Frizzy. And it's a bad game you play on words, with a tray and a deuce, 
 sir, but hello, I'm blessed if there isn't the doctor coming! 
 
 Clar. {jumping out of the chair) Who, doctor Linton? For heaven's 
 sake, let me hide somewhere, Frizzy, for I wouldn't have him see me here 
 
U AN AFFICTED FAMILY, 
 
 for anything — quick, let me hide in this room. {running to the bath-room 
 Frizzy, (stopping him) O, lord no, sir; there's a woman I should say a 
 man in there, taking a bath. 
 
 Clar. Here then ? {going into Ladies* Parlor 
 
 Frizzy, {holding him back) Not there, sir, some children I mean women, 
 »re in there. 
 
 Clar. Well, where? for I must hide some place. Such a turn I am in. 
 Frizzy. Here, hide here, sir. (pointing to a box, into which Clarence gets) 
 Well, that was a close shave, for had he gone into the bath-room and seen 
 Betty, or the young folks in the other room, I'd have been in a fix. I'm 
 blessed if I arn't in one now ; two hidden persons on my hands, and in 
 danger of being discovered anytime. Betty is liable to wake up any min- 
 ute, and the children — I will go and send them home, then come back to 
 acrape acquaintance with my illustrious predecessor, as the books read, and 
 ■oft soaping him, get all the' im formation I can from him about his patients 
 
 (exit into Ladies'* Parlor. 
 
 Enter Doctor Linton at front door. 
 
 Doctor (looking about) Hello! Not back yet? Business must be go«d 
 in this trade. I "believe I'll leave doctoring and turn barber. I might as 
 well shave others as to let them shave me. Well, time is short, and as the 
 barber don't seem to be about, I'll run in and see Staple a few doors abore 
 here, and come back. (exit by front door 
 
 Clar. (sticking his head up out of the box) I wonder if the doctor has 
 gone? I beard the door shut as if some one had went out. Dare I venture 
 out of my hole? Such an one, all old shaving papers, and hair clippings. 
 I'll risk it. (he steps out all covered with papers and hair) Fury ! such a 
 mess I'm in, and where's Frizzy ? lordy, I hear him coming, talking to 
 some one, and I wouldn't be seen this way for the world. 
 
 (he gets back into the box as. before 
 
 Enter Frizzy. 
 
 Frizzy. What! Gone again? George, he must be hurried, that he can't 
 wait a minute to get shaved. Yes, doctors have all the more to do when 
 times are hard, for then we poor devils have to starve ourselves, and there- 
 by get sick. Well, maybe I'll be a physician yet. Ah ! there he comes 
 back again — no, the young grocer, that keeps a few doors from here. Walk 
 in, sir. 
 
 £j?iter Staple, frord door. 
 
 Staple. Well, mister barber, I would like a nice clean shave. 
 
 Frizzy. With pleasure, sir — please be seated. 
 
 (pointing to chair and holding apron 
 
 Staple. Ah, yes. (taking chair, Frizzy putting on the apron) And aB 
 soon as possible, please, for I am in somewhat of a hurry. 
 
 Frizzy. As quick as I can run the razor over your face. 
 
 (paiises, during which Frizzy lathers his faces 
 
 Staple, (jumping out of the chair) Oh, stop. I forgot to tell my clerk 
 where I had gone. 1 will go and do so and return immediately — wait. 
 
 (wipes 0^ his face and exit, front door 
 
 Frizzy. Wait? Yes that's it! Very well, I can for I'm a good waiter, as 
 well as barber. Waiting is the principal part of every man's life — every 
 one waits. First, our parents wait for us to be born ; then we are waited on 
 by them ; later, we wait to become of age, then we wait on our sweethearts 
 who tell us to wait until we get older, and when we get old we tire of being 
 waited on, and wait to die — and here is the person I "wait for — 
 
 Enter Staple at front door. 
 Staple, {taking the chair) Well, now I am ready, proceed. 
 
AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. ^ 
 
 l^izty, {fixing on the apron) At once, sir. 
 
 ypatcse— during which he again lathers and commencea to shave him 
 Staple, How is trade, barber ? 
 Frizzy, Dull, sir. 
 
 Staple. Ouch 1 I should think your razor ia, too. 
 Frizzy. Sharp, rather, sir. 
 Staple. But it draws. 
 
 Frizzy. The more reason to think it sharp, -sir, for you must allow m 
 business it is only the sharp ones that draw. 
 
 Enter Doctor atjront door* 
 
 Doc, Good morning, Staple. 
 
 Staple. Ah, Doctor ! Well, how goes it at Crotchet'sT 
 
 Doc. Humph ! It is all over with Crotchet. 
 
 Staple, {starting) Is he dead ? 
 
 Doc. To me, yes. 
 
 Staple, {jumping out of the chair and wiping his face) What do you mean T 
 What is the matter ? 
 
 Doc. What can be the matter with one who has to encounter all kinds of 
 difficTilties. I have determined to lay aside my medicine case. 
 
 Frizzy, {aside) How very lucid he is. 
 
 Staple. But you promised to speak for me— what success did you hare 
 on my affair ? 
 
 Doc. What success can you expect me to have in speaking to a person 
 who will not talk of anything but his imaginary illness; who will pot be 
 approached on any sane subject? In short, I got enraged— h« insulting. I 
 more enraged — enough, we parted enemies. 
 
 Staple. Don't say that, doctor. I h ave written to Clarence, Villa Clap- 
 ham, telling him what good friends we were. 
 
 Doc. Very good. , 
 
 Frizzy, {aside) Clarence, Villa Clapham? Let me see, why that a the 
 address of the invalid advertiser. 
 
 Staple. Come, don't stand there like a mule. What are you a doctor for 
 but to counsel and advise? You are downcast— so am I. {drops into the chair 
 
 Doc. From this time forth my acting by»proxy ceases., 
 
 Frizzy, {holding up apron) If you please, sir 
 
 Staple. What do you wish ? 
 
 Frizzy. To finish shaving you. 
 
 Staple. Good gracious, am I not shared yet? 
 
 Frizzy. No, I only had the pleasure of lathering you twice, 
 
 {putting on the apron again 
 
 Staple, {to Doctor) Excuse me. 
 
 Doc. Certainly. 
 
 Frizzy. I will be through in a moment, sir. 
 
 {pause— during which Frizzy again lather* him 
 
 Enter John with letter* 
 
 John. Is there a Mr, Staple in here? 
 
 Doc. Yes. 
 
 John. Well, I have a letter for him from Mr. Crotchet. 
 
 Staple. My answer, (jumps out of chair and rushes with lather and apron 
 on to lean on the Doctor) Now, friend, sustain me. 
 
 Doc. {pushing him off) Not quite so close, please. 
 
 Staple. Why? Oh, yes. {wiping his face and throwing off apron) Let 
 me have it. {takes and reads letter) Oh, oh I {drops into chair 
 
 Frizzy, (aside) There, that seems to have settled him. I will try once 
 more, {holding apron) Allow me. 
 
 Staple. Oh, go to the devil 1 {shoves him off and tiands letter to Doctor) 
 Here, read. 
 
to AN AFFLICTED FAMILY, 
 
 Frizzy, (aside) I was too near him. Well, I will leave them and go 
 and see how Betty is getting along. It is about time for her to awake, and 
 I would not like to have her come out while these lunatics are here. 
 
 {exit into bath room 
 
 Staple. Well, what say you ? 
 
 Doc. Like that barber's tool, it is blunt, yet pointed. I am sorry I am 
 the cause of it. You will have to form a friendship for the new doctor. 
 
 John, (advancing) Oh, dear, sir, if they only had one now. They are 
 experimenting on each other, so that I tremble for the consequences. 
 
 Doc. And how does Miss Dolly get along? 
 
 Staple. Let me speak, if you please. This concerns me and my affair. 
 (to John) How can I gain an interview with your master, or better still 
 his daughter. 
 
 John. Heh I I don't know. (shrugging his shoulders 
 
 Doc. (aside, sitting in the chair) What a stupid thing a man is when 
 not practical, (calling out to John) John, Mr. Staple keeps extra tine 
 cigars. 
 
 John. Is that so ? Well, I will consider about your question, sir. 
 
 Staple, (giving him a couple of cigars) Then consider it at once, John. 
 
 John, (accepting them) I have an idea already, sir. Listen — my mas- 
 ter is at present treating himself with baths. Monday he takes a shower 
 bath, Tuesday a sponge bath, Wednesday a salt water bath, Thursday a 
 pine-tar bath, Friday an herb bath, and to-morrow, Saturday, he goes out 
 to get a Russian sweat bath. 
 
 Doc. (aside) Heaven strengthen him ! 
 
 John. And if you come to the house to-morrow noon the ladies will be 
 alone to receive you. I will give them a hint that you are coming. 
 
 Staple. All right, dear John, that is all I desire. Here — (haiiding him 
 more cigars) Do tell them I am coming. 
 
 John. Yes, sir, and if I find these cigars are fine I will buy all I smoke 
 from you. (exit front door 
 
 Doc. (aside) What strange methods a man follows who is unpractical. 
 Dealing in love, he thereby increases his trade, (rising) Now Staple do 
 me this favor — be practical, and go about your love-pursuits in a business 
 like way. > 
 
 Staple. Rest assured that to-morrow I will attempt it. 
 
 Doc. How ? 
 
 Staple. A few days ago I had a balance sheet made out, I will take that 
 along with me. What do you think of it? 
 
 Doc. A capital idea. In one hand your love, in the other your balance 
 sheet. You should take a clergyman along, too. Ha, ha ha! 
 
 Staple. There you go, poking fun at me again. 
 
 Doc. Now listen, that is all unnecessary. The main point is to soften 
 the old fellow — do that. 
 
 Staple. Well, I will go and make arrangements to do so. 
 
 Doc. And I say, do a favor for me at the same time, see how Miss Dolly 
 is getting along. 
 
 Staple. I will, but it seems to me you are getting soft on her. 
 
 (exit front door 
 
 Doc. I do believe I am. Oh, pshaw ! it is only sympathy for her in suf- 
 fering. Where is the barber gone ? I think I will have my beard taken 
 off, but not my mustache, since Dolly admires men with mustaches. Ah, 
 here he comes. 
 
 Enter Frizzy from bath room, 
 
 — ITow, barber, I wish to have my beard taken off. 
 Frizzy. Very well, sir. And your mustache? 
 Doc. I said my beard, I believe. 
 Frizzy. Will you please be seated, sir. 
 
 (pointing to the chair and holding the apron 
 
AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. 91 
 
 Doc. I do not expect you to shave me standing, and see and cover me 
 well so that the hair will not fall on my clothes, {taking the chair, and 
 Frizzy putting the apron on him, tying it down) But you need not choke me. 
 
 Frizzy, (aside) I have tied him in so he won't serve me as the other 
 fool did. This here doctor is a crusty sort of a cove anyhow. If I should 
 cut him half as short as he answers me he'd wince a bit. I'll give him the 
 the paper to read while I go and see hoAv Betty is, and maybe he'll be bet- 
 ter natured after he reads that advertisement, {(letting paper and offering 
 it to him) Seen to-day's paper, sir. 
 
 Frizzy. No, let me look at it. {taking hold of it through apron 
 
 Frizzy. There you are sir, and excuse me while I go and get some hot 
 water. {exit into bath room 
 
 Doc. That man has got more cheek than a beard will grow on, yet I 
 answered him close enough, closer than his blunt razor will sbave m«. 
 (reads) The devil I So they've advertised for some one else to doctor them, 
 the imaginary sick fools. ' If I'd drug them to death they'd rest easy, but 
 because I refuse to prescripe, except in urgent cases, they find fault. If it 
 wasn't for Dolly — bless her fond heart — I'd poison them — now they'll have 
 Some quack to do it. Well, I will not disgrace my profession for them, so 
 if they are malpracticed on they must bear the blame and suffer the con- 
 eequences. 
 
 Enter Frizzy from bath room, vjhipping lather in a mug. 
 
 Frizzy, (aside) I wonder how he feels now? Smoother than his face, I 
 hope. 
 
 Doc. (throwing down paper) Well, did you return ? 
 
 Frizzy. Sorry to keep you waiting, but the water was not quite hot 
 enough. 
 
 Doc. Then don't be standing there all day frothing in the mug like a 
 mad dog. 
 
 Frizzy. Eh? Oh, ha, ha! Very good joke, sir. 
 
 Doc. I never joke. 
 
 Frizzy. Doctor I believe, sir ? 
 
 Doc Yes. 
 
 Frizzy, (lathering his face) Many sick folks now, sir? 
 
 Doc. No. 
 
 Frizzy. I saw in the paper this morning an advertisement of some in- 
 valids for a doctor. 
 
 Doc. Did you? 
 
 Frizzy. Yes. 
 
 Doc. Then why don't you answer it? 
 
 Frizzy. Me? (aside., strapping the razor) Gad, I think I will follow his 
 advice. 
 
 Doc. {aside) He would just euit them. 
 
 Frizzy. By the way, sir, would you like to buy a fine Turkish tooth- 
 brush? 
 
 Doc. No. 
 
 Frizzy. Nor any fine toilet soaps? 
 
 Doc. No. 
 
 Frizzy. Would you like some 
 
 Doc. No (pause, during which Frizzy shaves him 
 
 Frizzy, {aside, again trapping the razor) Confound the curt churl. But 
 I'll give him a dab, not with my razor, but my tongue. Did you Bay you 
 would like a bath, sir ? 
 
 Doc. Do I look dirty? 
 
 Frizzy. Would you like your ears clipped shorter? 
 
 Doc. Have my ears clipped ? Do you mean to insinuate that ihej are 
 too long ? That I am an ass ? 
 
 Frizzy. Beg pardon, 1 meniit your hnir. 
 
 Doc. Say Avhat you mean tluni. But ure you not almost through? 
 
as AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. 
 
 Frizzy. With this side, sir. (finishing shaving one side 
 
 Doc. Then make haste and finish the other, for I have something lo do 
 besides spending my time letting you sharpen your dull hoe on my face. 
 
 Frizzy. 1 work as fast as I can, sir. Should I shave faster 1 might cut 
 you. 
 Doc. You'd better not. {knocking heard 
 
 Frizzy. There's the other door. Ladies, sir. Excuse me, I will receive 
 them and return at once. {exxi into Ladies' Parlor 
 
 Doc. Then go and see that you do. That man has nothing but dandruflT 
 in his head. No brains at any rate— his wits as thick as his soap suds. Hark I 
 women's voices I I declare, Dolly and her cousin. Surely they won't 
 enter by this door— and, heavens ! what a sight 1 am. That confounded 
 fool has left me in a pretty state. Gracious I fastened m the chair, too, 
 unable to move. Should Dolly see me looking as I do, like a baboon, with 
 one side of my beard shaved off, she'd hate me ever after. But what shall 
 I do. Here they are for certain. I'll cover my head over and maybe they 
 won't observe me. {drawing his head down under the apron 
 
 Enter Miss Dolly and Miss Daisy at front door. 
 
 Daisy. This is the barber shop — now where is the doctor ? 
 
 Dolly. But cousin we should have gone in by the other door, the one for 
 ladies, as we started to. 
 
 Daisy. No, tney said in the barber's, and as I am determined to see the 
 doctor to get him to explain that letter to dear Staple — this is the place. 
 
 Dolly. Dear doctor, I should like to see him too. But, cousin, there 
 doesn't seem to be anybody about. 
 
 Daisy. No shop-keeper ? He must be in the other room. 
 
 Dolly. Let us go and see. {exit into Ladies' Parlor 
 
 Doc. {bobbing out his head) Thank heaven they are gone. Now if I 
 only could get loose from this apron — useless. Oh, if the barber — curses on 
 him — would only come back alone and release me. But there, what's that? 
 Them returning ? Now I am doomed, sure, {draicing his head under again 
 
 Enter Betty from bath room. 
 
 Betty, {yawning) Ow-hum ! Grsicious, where am I ? {rubbing her eyes) 
 Ah, I remember, I drank some of Frizzy's rum and got fuddled. But how 
 came I in that room ? Oh ! I dropped asleep in the chair, and I suppose 
 Frizzy rolled me there in it, out of the way. {pressing her head) Je-ru-sa- 
 lem ! how my head aches. It must be the old stuff that Frizzy keeps. 
 Where is he, I wonder? In the other room I expect, clipping the children 
 yet. {looking in door of Ladies' Parlor) What! young miss and her cousin 
 in there with him ? It is good I awoke the time I did. I'll go out this way 
 and stay awhile, to get my head cooled, then come in the other door and 
 pretend I went shopping while the youngsters were having their hair cut. 
 
 {exit front door 
 
 Clar. {looking out of the box) There, the door shut again, as if some one 
 went out. I wonder if it was the doctor. I'll step out of my nest and look. 
 (getting out of box cautiously) This room is vacant, wko is in the other with 
 Frizzy, for I hear voices, {looking into door of Ladies^ Parlor) Heavens ! 
 Dolly and Daisy, and they suppose I am at home in bed sick. 0, lordy, I 
 am in a stew — a box one, sure enough. {getting back into box hastily 
 
 Enter Frizzy from Ladies' Parlor, 
 
 Frizzy. The sister and cousin of the young snob in the box, the two 
 missuses of Betty in the bath room, and a pair of patients of the doctor — but 
 ■where is he? Gone, and only half shaved? Sur'^iy not — he has hidden 
 somewhere. My gracious, not in the bath room I hope. I must look. 
 
 {going toward the bath room 
 
AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. SS 
 
 Doc, {bobbing his head up again) Well, man, a devil of a state you left 
 me in. 
 
 Frizzy. Sorry, sir. I humbly beg pardon, sir. 1 a 
 
 Doc. Oh Btop your apologies — undo this thing and free me. 
 
 Frizzy, {unj'asiening the apron) Yes, sir 1 Certainly, air. But if you 
 please, sir, there do be some ladies in the other room who desire to see you. 
 
 Doe. {jumping out of chair) I know it, plague on 'em, but I wouldn't 
 have them see me this way lor a fortune. How long will it take you to 
 finish shaving me ? 
 
 Friizy. Five minutes at the most, sir. {aside) Oh lordy, I'm all in a 
 tremble ', I'll be sure 4,0 cut him. But, sir, they are coming in here again. 
 
 Doe. Well, then, I will go the way 1 am. {going 
 
 Frizzy. If you go out in the street looking that way, sir, the policeman 
 will nab you for an escaped lunatic. 
 
 Doc, Well, hide me then, until they go,— haste. 
 
 Fritizy. Yes, sir. 
 
 Doc. Where, in this room ? {going into bath room 
 
 Frizzy. My lor' no sir, there's a woman — I mean a man, in there, taking 
 a bath, sir. 
 
 Doc. Where then? Here, behind the counter? {going toward the box 
 
 Frizzy. No, no, not there; you'll get all dirt there. 
 
 Doc. Then, tell me where, for heaven's sake? 
 
 Frizzy. As you was before, sir, in the chair. 
 
 Doc. Well, cover me quick, and get rid of the ladies as soon as the devil 
 will let you. {getting back into the chair, Frizzy covers him 
 
 Enter Dolly and Daisy from Ladies' Parlor. 
 
 Daisy. Is the doctor here, barber ? 
 
 Frizzy. Yes, miss — I mean, no, miss — that is, he was, but isn't, 
 
 Daisy. Where is he then? 
 
 Dolly. Gone I presume, and I did so want to ask him about my poor 
 heart. 
 
 Daisy. And I too, to ask him about my sweethe&rt, but I do not believe 
 he has gone. 
 
 Dolly. No, he has not, for here is his hat. {showing it 
 
 Frizzy, {aside) lordy; what shall I say? No, miss, he has not gone 
 for good, he has only stepped in next door for a minute or so. 
 
 Daisy. Ah ! well then, we will wait. 
 
 Dolly. I will sit down if you please. {pointing to chair 
 
 Frizzy. Yes, miss — no, miss, that is, no not this chair, it is broken and 
 will not stand your weight. I'll get you one from the other room, {aside) 
 Such a funk 1 now they'll stay for bim to come back, and what-some-ever 
 will I do? 
 
 Dolly. Are you going after a chair, barber? 
 
 Frizzy. I forgot,' miss, but they are all stationary, fastened to the floor. 
 
 Dolly. Well, have you no others? 
 
 Frizzy. Yes, miss, I have one in this room. {pointing to bath room 
 
 Dolly. Get it then, for I am tired. 
 
 Frizzy. In a second, miss, {aaide) lordy I worse and worse. Betty 
 is asleep on the chair in there. 
 
 Dolly. I see you do not bring it, so I will go and get it myself. 
 
 {going towards bath room 
 
 Frizzy, {pulling her back) Oh I no, miss, you musn't go in there. I for- 
 got but there's a naked man in there. 
 
 Dolly, {screaming) Ow ! ow ! you horrid wretch ! Why did you not 
 say so before? Did you ever? Come, cousin, let us go. 
 
 Daisy. No, dear, 1 will wait here until the doctor comes back, if I die in 
 doing so. {walking slowly up and down 
 
 Dolly. Bui, Daisy, we (;aii't stand up — I'm like to drop with fatigue, {to 
 Frizzy) H:ive y^u no box, or something that we can sit down on? 
 
£4 AN A FFLICTED FA MIL T. 
 
 Daisy. Yes, my dear, there is an empty box behind the counter, fetch it 
 out, mister. 
 
 Dolly. So there is ; I'll get it. {going toward thebox 
 
 Frizzy. No, no, miss, you musn't, it's all nasty, and won't do to sit down 
 on. 
 
 Dolly. What shall we do then? 
 
 Frizzy. Well, miss, if you're bound to wait here, v/hy-a-I'U go and bor- 
 row a chair. 
 
 Daisy. Why not go and tell the doctor we are here waiting for him ? 
 
 Frizzy. Yes, miss, I will, (aside) But suppose while I am gone they 
 look at the chair or the box ? No danger of them going into the bath room ; 
 but suppose Betty should wake up and come out — lorfly 1 am, as my lath- 
 er-brush otten is, in hot water, sure. 
 
 Dolly. 1 thought you were going to find the doctor? 
 
 Frizzy. Yes, miss, in a minute; as soon as I can get ray hat. 
 
 Dolly. Make haste then. 
 
 Frizzy. I'm ofi'. {going to front door, aside) Hello 1 what's thatf A 
 wagon drawn up to the door, and two men getting down from the seat. I'm 
 blessed if it aren't the sheriff's officers and a carman come to seize on my 
 effects. Gracious! they might lay hands on me, also, and put me into 
 limbo for debt, I'll leave the others to get out of the fix they're in the 
 best way they can. {exit by Ladies' Parlor door 
 
 Enter Constable and Man. 
 
 Constable, Here are the goods, and — Hello, no one around to dispute my 
 authority. Well, man, go to work, seize what ever you can lay your handa 
 on, and carry them off. {the vian takes away the counter and case 
 
 Dolly. Heavens ! Cousin ! Here are some rude men who talk of seizing 
 and carrying us off. 
 
 Daisy. Let them try to carry me off, they will find they have their 
 hands full. 
 
 Constable. Ah, ladies, eh ! No disrespect to you, madams or misses, 
 but you see, I have authority to take forcible possession of everything here. 
 
 Dolly. But we do not belong here, we are waiting for the barber who 
 has gone out just for a moment. 
 
 Constable. Can't help it, miss, my warrant gives me the lawful right to 
 everything in this place. 
 
 Dolly. Come, cousin, let us depart. 
 
 Daisy. Never, until the doctor comes. 
 
 {folding her arms and walking up and down 
 
 Constable. Carry out this rubbish, man. 
 
 Dolly. Don't dare lay hands on me, I'll scream. 
 
 Constable. No offense to you, miss, what's in this box. 
 
 {drawing it out 
 
 Clar. {jumping out of the box) Just put a finger on me, and I'll knock 
 you down. {squares off 
 
 Dolly. Why-who-whats that? A man ! oh, oh, oh! 
 
 {faints and falls into the doctor's lap who clasps her in his arms 
 
 Daisy, {rushing to her) Poor, dear Dolly. Gracious the chair is alive! 
 What's this, {pulling down the apron from the Doctor's face) Ah-ah-ahl 
 Catch me, I faint. 
 
 Falling back into the arms of Clarence, who staggers back knocks the man seat 
 foremost into the box. 
 
 Clar. The Doctor ? 
 
 Doc. The devil ! 
 
 Constable. Well, this is what you may call going for effects after a fash- 
 ion — ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Tableau. — Doctor in the chair holding Dolly in his lap fainted. Clarence 
 holding up Daisy a/.s^o in a faint ; Man kicking up his heels in the box ; Con- 
 stable laughing heartily. 
 
 KXD OF ACT IT. 
 
AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. 2^ 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 SCENE — The same as in actjirst. Dolly and Daisy discovered. 
 
 Daisy. This is dreadful ! Not a soul to give me a bit of consolation. 
 
 Dolly. Ah, ah I my moping canary bird. Whose wings are drooping 
 now ? 
 
 Daisy. I have good cause for it. Just think of sending poor Staple that 
 insulting letter. How angry he will be with papa. 
 
 Dolly. Yes, and the poor Doctor, too — 
 
 Daisy. Oh, go way with your Doctor. He is the cause of it all. Couldn't 
 be have avoided that scene about the prescriptions? Then, to think of that 
 disgraceful affair in the barber shop, his leaving us both insensible with na 
 one to attend on us but poor Clarence — he is a brute. 
 
 Dolly. He isn't. He acted in both cases as becomes a gentleman. But 
 what affects you so ? 
 
 Daisy. You undoubtedly do not know how a person feels, when separat- 
 ed from their love. 
 
 Dolly. Oh, yes I do. {sighing 
 
 Daisy. You? At the most what you have learned cut of books, but 
 you, yourself have never suffered ; you do not know what it is to love. 
 
 Dolly. Oh, yes. (sighing 
 
 Daisy. Yes ? 
 
 Dolly, (confused) That is a little — but we were talking of the Doctor. 
 You cannot deny that he is a talented entertaining person. 
 
 Diisy. (observing her) Oh! So? 
 
 Dolly, (acting excitedly) Sometimes a little brusque, but with a heart ot 
 such large capacity. Has he not always shown himself a warm friend to the 
 ftmily? No, I will hear nothing against him, for I am convinced, that 
 with him all the love has departed from this house. 
 
 Diisy. Phew! You are all fire and flame! Ho — ho! so this is the 
 cause of your heart-beating? Ah, you shy puss 1 
 
 Doliy. I? What do you menu? (frightened 
 
 Daisy. Oh, nothing ; but 1 believe I have got into your secret. 
 
 Dolly. But — Daisy, you — a — 
 
 DaUy. There — I do not wish to force it from you, and not another word 
 shall 1 say against the Doctor. But now you must assist me to gain papa 
 over. He did treat him too badly, poor Staple. I declare it is shocking. 
 
 (sobbing 
 
 Dilly. And the poor Doctor, also, it is shameful. {sobbing 
 
 Daisy. Never mind, Dolly, (sob) Hence-forth— (soft) — we;will— (so6) 
 stand by — (sob) — each other. 
 
 Dolly. Each— (so6)— to each— (.so6)— a faith-(5o6) — ful brother. 
 
 Daisy By no — (sott) — hard troub-(so6) — les dis-(5o6) — united. 
 
 Dolly. For ev-(so6)— er still — (so6)— in friend— (so6) — ship plighted. 
 
 Both. Boo — hoo ! hoo — hoo — hoo ? 
 
 ( they fall on each others shoulders crying 
 
 Enter Mrs. Crotchet and Dorothy knitting, l. d. 
 
 Mrs G. Oh, my nerves ! What's the matter ? Why do you both cry ? 
 
 Daisy. dear ! [sob] How unhappy we both are. Boo — hoo — hoo ! 
 
 Mrs C. What for? 
 
 Dolly. Because we have no doctor. Boo, hoo — hoo ! 
 
 Mrf C. You dear, good children. I thank you for your sympathy. 
 Yes, it is very sad, certainly, but with heaven's help, we will get another — 
 bo')— hoo— hoo ! (crying 
 
 Dor. [laying down her knitting] I cannot hear, but when I see tears I 
 have to cry, too, boo— hoo — hoo! [joining in the crying 
 
 Enter Crotchet l. d. 
 
 Crot. Why, what is the matter ? What are you all crying for ? 
 
S6 AN AFFLICTED FAMILY, 
 
 Dor. Yes, it is rather rainy weather to-dav. 
 
 All. \toaether'] Boo— hoo, boo — hoo — hoo — hool 
 
 Grot. I want to know what you are crying for? 
 
 All. [together'] Boo — hoo, boo — hoo — hoo — hool 
 
 Grot. Are you all crazy ? 
 
 Daisy. If it was nothing more serious ! Boo — hoo — hool 
 
 Dolly. Poor uncle, boo — hoo— hoo! 
 
 Mrs C. Poor husband, Boo, hoo, hoo! 
 
 Grot. Will I ever find out what has happened? 
 
 Mrs C. Is it not sad, that in this our trouble, we are so helpless and for- 
 saken ? Boo — hoo — hoo ! 
 
 Dolly. Without a doctor. 
 
 Daisy, {aside) And without a merchant, boo — hoo — hoo! 
 
 Crot. Calm yourselves — we'll soon hive another one. He is not the only 
 doctor in the world, boo — hoo — hoo ! {falling on his wife's shoulder and crying 
 
 Enter John, ushering in Frizzy, disguised^ C. d. 
 
 John. Professor PlayfairDrakevoice. {exit, c. n. 
 
 Crot. Professor Play fair Drakevoice? Ah I very likely an applicani 
 from my advertisement. Welcome, sir. {greeting him 
 
 Frizzy. It is with pleasure I have the honor of entering this afflicted 
 house, with the firm conviction that with my skill and other natural attain- 
 ments, as well as my medical qualifications, I can succeed* in alleviating 
 your sufferings, and restore your health to its former condition. 
 
 Crot. Indeed, Professor, you are welcome. 
 
 Frizzy. I consider myself fortunate, that on my arrival from America, 
 I have a favorable opportunity of putting to practice the knowledge I hayo 
 gained, in relieving from their great distress a wretched family. 
 
 Mrs C. Wretched ? 
 
 Frizzy. I mean wretched as regards your bodily condition, madam. 
 
 Grot. Yes, that is certainly wretched. There is no ailment which I have 
 not experienced. 
 
 Frizzy, {shaking head) Is that so? Is that so? 
 
 Crot. I ail mainly with hardening of the liver ; and I have also asthma, 
 catarrh, congestion, indigestion, inflamation, and all kinds of fevers. 
 
 Frizzy. Have you no other complaint ? 
 
 Crot. Oh, yes, only I cannot remember them all. 
 
 Mrs C. And my whole nervous svstem is shattered. 
 
 Frizzy. You do look rather shattered, madam. 
 
 Mrs C. And I suffer day and night, with the most excruciation pains 
 in my head. I am very sick. 
 
 Frizzy. You feel well otherwise? 
 
 Mrs C. Otherwise, quite well. 
 
 Frizzy. And these young ladies, I hope they are both sick— I mean 
 well? 
 
 Daisy. Yes, thank heaven, we are both well. {exit with Dolly, R. 1 e. 
 
 Frizzy. I am very sorry — I should say glad. 
 
 Dor. {to Crotchet) Isthisthe piano tuner ? 
 
 Crot. (loudly) This is Professor Drakevoice. 
 
 Dor. Ah ! 1 am pleased to see you, sir. 
 
 Frizzy, {loudly) I also to seeyou, madam, {to Crotchet) The lady ig deaf? 
 
 Grot. Yes. 
 
 Frizzy. Slanting forehead to the left is always a sign of deafness ; for that 
 I have an excellent remedy. 
 
 Crot. Ah! have you? 
 
 Frizzy. Deafness is caused by a looseness of the skin over the drum of the 
 ear. You apply old cognac, that causes it to become tight, the hearing is 
 fully restored. Propatum est. 
 
 Crot. Wonderful, indeed! 
 
 Frizzy. I have hundreds of such remedies, each one more propatum eat 
 than the other. 
 
AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. g7 
 
 _ Crot. (aside) He appears to be a most learned man. Please be seated, 
 *'^^ . , . ,. > (pointing to chair 
 
 Frizzy, (sitting) Thank you. 
 
 Oroi. You are a professor ? (sitting beside him 
 
 Jfrxzzy. Yes, sir, from a medical scientific standpoint. I graduated in 
 
 Anrienca and practiced there, until recently called here by an influential 
 
 patient to periorm an operation for Opthalraia, and at the same time to see 
 
 what progress my English colleagues had made, yet, I find them practicing 
 
 (>ot. Then you have an entirely new method of healing over there ? 
 
 Jfrxzzy. Most assuredly, sir. You see health and sickness are the two 
 tactors of the human system, which, through opposition, excite, and are 
 ^^i?{ u *'^^-^^ P^"'^ ' °"^^ *^®^® factors can onlv be pacified by intervention, 
 which I bring about by the use of strong and powerful medicines, called 
 mediators, that serves to arouse and originate reaction, whereby I am en- 
 able to establish a perpetual cessation of hostilities between the two forces, 
 or what we call in Latin hors de combat. 
 
 Crot. What does that mean ? 
 
 Frizzy. What, ou account of the clumsiness of the English language, 
 you would call horse fight. o o ' 
 
 Crot. But, if the patient can't endure the reaction ? • 
 
 Frizzy. Then he dies ; but that seldom happens. 
 
 Crot. The matter demands natural reflection, but, will you have the 
 goodness to examine my condition? 
 
 {holding onthis hand and stretching out his tongue 
 
 Mrs C. Mine also, professor. {doing the same 
 
 Frizzy. Not necessary ; I know them already, I saw what ailed you at 
 the first glance, a greenish-yellow complexion, with a purplish nose, and 
 sunken eyes, are sure symptoms of hardening of the liver, and with you, 
 madam.— (<o 3fr.5 C.)— a soft etherial look, drooping eyebrows, and swollen 
 eyelids, those are evidences of nervo rerum. 
 
 Mrs C. Can you get rid of it ? 
 
 Frizzy. Oh, yes, madam, I once extracted the entire nerves from a 
 wealthy lady in Boston, and substituted a set of very fine cat-gut strings. 
 
 Mrs C. Impossible! If that were the case, a person could live without 
 nerves. 
 
 Frizzy. Of course, certainly, madam. You see life flows from the heart 
 through the arteries, which has no connection whatever with the nerves, 
 but, only with the stomach, hence a cazual removal of the nerves would 
 only cause an affectation of the mucous membrane of the diaphragm. 
 
 Crot. But, I also suffer in the spleen. 
 
 Frizzy. With your permission, {pulls out a big watch and feels his pulse) 
 Yes, your pulse is somewhat spleeny. (pokes him in the side 
 
 Crot. (yelling) Ow, ow ! 
 
 Frizzy, (again poking him) Does that hurt ? 
 
 Crot. (again yeil in g) Ow, ow! 
 
 Frizzy. Proof positive symptom of pain. 
 
 Crot. Do you see what my complaint is? 
 
 Frizzy. Certainly ; your beard does not please me either, the barber has 
 quite mutilated it. What donkey shaves you? 
 
 Crot. I shave myself. 
 
 Frizzy, (confused) Oh, then be very cautious. You should powder. I 
 powder all my customers when I shave them. 
 
 (yrot. Do you shave as well as doctor? 
 
 Frizzy, (aside, taking snuff out of big box) Thunder and lightning! I 
 almost put my foot in it! (aloud) Only in extreme cases of fever, (rising) 
 But now I must prescribe some thing for you. 
 
 Crot. (rubbing his hands) Oh, yes, yes, do — here is pen ink and paper. 
 
 (pointing to table 
 
 Frizzy, (seating himself at the table and writing) First of all, twenty-five 
 pounds of Camillum. 
 
 Mrs C. Camillum? 
 
»8 AN AlFFLICTED FAMILY, 
 
 Frizzy. Yes, in English, Chamomile tea. 
 
 Crot. But such a quantity. 
 
 Frizzy. Twenty-five pounds — a quarter of a hundred. By wholesale you 
 can get it cheaper. You should always combine the economical with the 
 useful. {continues writing 
 
 Dor. He is prescribing; now I will get my Fido. {exit, l, d. 
 
 Crot. Why, Professor, it appears to me your prescription is very long 
 
 Frizzy, {laying down -pen) Yes ; you see the old school doctors prescribe 
 altogether too little. How can it be effectual? A good prescription should 
 always consist of six parts, namely : first, the efficatum ; second, the ad- 
 ducatum ; third, sacharatum — 
 
 Crot. Sacharatum? 
 
 Frizzy. Yes, in English, the sweetener, white sugar; fourth, the dilutum, 
 pure liquor to dilute; fifth, coloratum, that added to give it color: and 
 sixth and last, assimulatum, the mixer. {he writes 
 
 Crot. {a^ide to Mrs C.) lie is the man ! 
 
 Mrs C. Yes, how very lucid he makes everything. 
 
 Frizzy, {handing Crotchet a long prescription) There. 
 
 Crot. {aside, reading it) "Six table spoonsful 1 every hour." That is 
 something like a dose. 
 
 Frizzy, {(jiving Mrs. C. one) And this for you, madam. 
 
 Crot. And can I have some linament. dear Professor? 
 
 Frizzy. To rub on? Yes, I will at once prescribe something for you to 
 rub on. {writes again 
 
 Mth C. And for me, also. 
 
 Frizzy. Certainly — there, and there. {giving each another prescription 
 
 Mrs C. And may I have some pills? 1 can take pills so easily. 
 
 Crot. Yes, and I, too. {calling) John, John! 
 
 Frizzy. Pills you can have. Is there anything further? 
 
 {again writing and giving them paper 
 
 Enter Dorothy with poodle dog, l. d. 
 
 Dor, Professor, will you please prescribe for my poor Fido? He has 
 Buch a hot nose. 
 
 Frizzy, {taking the dogs paw) Show your tongue. There. 
 
 Dor. Then you understand how to treat dogs? 
 
 Frizzy, {loudly) Certainly, [aside] Except in cases where they come be - 
 fore me as sausage. 
 
 Dor. Sausage? No, he hasn't eaten any. 
 
 frizzy, {louily) Salt sitzbath. {aside) The old woman must have 
 been applying Cognac. 
 
 Dor. Thank you. I will go give him one. (exit, L. D. 
 
 Enter John, c. D. 
 
 John. Did you call me, sir? 
 
 Crot. Yes, go immediately to the druggist, and hurry — but no, stop — 
 {to Frizzy, after handing John the prescription) And there is our son, 
 Professor. 
 
 Mrs C. Yes, our Clarence is troubled with a difficulty of the stomach and 
 head. 
 
 Frizzy. I will prescribe for him. {about to write 
 
 Grot. Don't you wish to see him first? 
 
 Frizzy. See him? Well, it is not neccessary, yet it will do no harm. 
 Shall we go? {exeunt Frizzy, preceeded by Mr. and Mrs. C, l. d. 
 
 John. Jemini Crickey ! [looking at the prescription) I hope they have 
 enough prescriptions. I will have to take Betty along to help me carry 
 them. 
 
 Enter Betty, r. 1 e. 
 
 — Oh, here you are, Betty, Just in time ; I was about going to find you. 
 
AN A FFLICTED FA MIL T. *^ 
 
 Bttty. And what for, prav, mister foolishness? . . 
 
 John. Why, you see the master has just given me some prescriptions to 
 take to the apothecary's to have filled. 
 
 Betty. Well, what has that got to do with me. 
 
 John. Why, you see they are so long, and so many of them, that I thought 
 vou had perhaps better go "along with me, to help carry them home. 
 
 Betty. Indeed, I'll do nothing of the sort; you can go yourself, and it 
 you can't bring all the drugs the first time, go the second. 
 
 John. But I thought perhaps you would like to go for a walk, seeing i 
 was going alone. ,, . 
 
 Betty. ^ Oh, you did ? Well, let me tell you that I won't be seen w:.lking 
 *^- street with every common footman. I am very choice in the company 
 I keep. J t 
 
 ■Jo.,.. Oh, you are? Yes, I think I did see you talking the other day to 
 
 that barber what keeps a shop on Holborn. 
 
 Betty. Well, isn't he respectable? . , 
 
 John. For all I know, but then you are such an uncommonly tine giri 
 that I thought you might find genteeler company. 
 
 Betty, (dusting a magnetic battery on the table) I choose my company— 
 you choose yours. .„ -n i r=f^« 
 
 John. That's what I want to ; and now, Betty, if you will only listen 
 to me, I'll tell vou what I tried to when we were interrupted the other 
 morning. You know, Betty, I have always had a sort of liking lor you, 
 but I couldn't make up my mind to- ^ ^edging up to her 
 
 Betty, {hitting himioith dust brush) Oh, quit your foolishness (ro oti 
 on the errand the master sent you on. You are always complaining of 
 nothing to do, now 
 
 John, {again edging up to her) Ah, now, Betty, don t. 
 
 Betty, {cuffing him) I'll give you a box on the side of the— — 
 
 John. A box? I say, Betty, what is that peculiar looking box jou are 
 dusting. {pointing to battery 
 
 Betty. A galvanic battery of the masters, for magnetism. 
 
 John. Maggets in him ? Lord ! Has he? 
 
 Betty. No, no! Electricity. 
 
 John. Oh ! And how does he work it? 
 
 Betty. I doesn't know exactlv ; but he takes hold of one of these handles 
 —{showing ;im)— while some one takes hold of the other then he pushej m 
 that pin there and something runs tickling all through him. 
 
 John. How very strange ! Let us try it. , j tmi t«ir«» 
 
 Betty Very well. You take that handle— (^ives him one)— and 1 li taKe 
 this, (taking the other) There, now push in that pin a little. 
 
 ^ ^ {pointing to the pin 
 
 John . That way ? {pushing the pin a little way 
 
 Betty. A little more. ^ r- ■. • /v//;, «,«r.p 
 
 John. So much ? {pushing xt xn a htth more 
 
 Betty. Still more. , , . .^ , , ,, ■ 
 
 John. There, how is that? {pushing it almost all xn 
 
 Betty. 0, pshaw, you don't pash it in far enough ; let me. 
 She takes hold of his free hand to draxo it away, and in doing so, completes the 
 
 circuit. 
 John. Clordy! Oh, oh, oh! {dancing and yelling 
 
 Betty. Ow, ha, ha ! Ow, ha, ha ! 
 
 Laughing and crying at the same time, until after forts they succud 'VfahZ 
 asunder, when John runs off, and Betty throws herself on the sofa, laughxng 
 
 heartily. 
 
 Enter Frizzy, cautiously, l. d. 
 
 Frizzv Why. Betty, what's the row? -1.1. xu 
 
 Bern Oh, dear! Why, vou see John and me was meddling with the 
 master'; battery, and going off all of a sudden t, it gave us such a shock. 
 
so AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. 
 
 Frizzy. You are always getting somebody in a fix. A nice one I'm in 
 In the languaee of my trade it will be a close shave if it aren't a bad scrape. 
 Oh, what for did you advise me to assume the part of a doctor? 
 
 Betty. Why ? 
 
 Frizzy. Because, here I have got cast in to a plot, out of which I never can 
 get without losing my character as a barber. 
 
 Betty. Nonsense, Frizzy ! You act your part splendidly, and no one 
 would ever imagine you was anything but a regular professional. 
 
 Frizzy. Yes, but I can't play physician always; I will surely be found 
 out soon, and what then ? 
 
 Betty. Why, you're so talented, go on the stage. 
 
 Frizzy. Heh ! Drive an omnibus ? That wonld be a coming dowi 
 
 Betty, Mo, I mean a theatre — stage, as a play actor, {strutting zip and 
 down gesticulating theatrically) And then, just think, I could sit in a pri- 
 vate box as a dead-head, and, looking through an opera-glass, admire you 
 walking the boards, speaking as if inspired by the gods — 
 
 Frizzy. In the gallery. 
 
 Betty. And alternately causing the spell-rapt audience to— 
 
 Frizzy. Leave their seats. 
 
 Betty. Be moved to tears — 
 
 Frizzy. In rows, one above an other. 
 
 Betty. And smiles — 
 
 Frizzy. At the bar, between the acts. 
 
 Betty. And then, when the curtain falls, to be called— 
 
 Frizzy. A deuced fraud. 
 
 Betty. Out by thundering applause and be — 
 
 Frizzy. Rotten egged. 
 
 Beity. Bow to a sea of upturned fwces before you. There, what do yon 
 think of that, Frizzy, as a picture of your glorious'future. 
 
 Frizzy. It sounds all well enough, but, Betty, it would only be mak'^ 
 believe, not real. I wish I was back in my shop on Holborn, shaving tact.^ 
 for a sixpence— they are the kind of upturned faces I like. 
 
 Betty. Then what will I do if you are found out, since I, too, -will be sent 
 oj5'. 
 
 Frizzy. Why-a-Betty, if you can't do anything else, come and, be Mistress 
 Frizzy, to live back of the shop and wash towels for me. 
 
 [taking her around the waist 
 
 Bktty. Ah ! that would be better than waiting on nervous sick folks. 
 
 {they walk up and doion, arm in arm 
 
 Frizzy. Or sit in a private box looking at me making a show of myself— 
 but hark I Is not that somebody coming ? 
 
 Betty. Yes, let us get out of the way, for it would not do for us to be seen 
 together. {^exeunt, l. d. 
 
 Enter Doctor, c. D. 
 
 Doc. (looking around) Hello! No one around? I wonder if Dolly is 
 about? If only she would come in here alone now, so that I could feel Oi 
 her pulse. Her poor heart is affected, and, heigh-ho, practical man as 
 I am, I believe mine is too. 
 
 Enter Dolly, e. 1 e. 
 —Well, either fortune or love is smiling on me, for I am blessed if she isn't 
 here now. {approaching her 
 
 Dolly. What! Doctor, you here ? 
 
 Doc. It is my venerable self. 
 
 Dolly. Oh, how did you dare venture here, after uncle had dismissed 
 you so rudely. 
 
 Doc. As a practical physician I consider my duty to you, who are still 
 my patient, before my feelings toward him. But are you not glad to see 
 me ? 
 
 Dolly. Yes, but suppose you should be discovered here, uncle would be 
 enrnged, and what would be the consequences. 
 Doc. Oh, have no fears on my account; you know as a practical man, T 
 
AX AFFLICTED FAMILY. SI 
 
 find an expedient suitable for any emergency. But, come here, (feeling 
 her pulse) How is your poor heart to-day. 
 
 DoUi/. Better I think. {drawing up to him 
 
 Doc. All in a flutter. 
 
 Dolly. Oh, that is with the exciletnent. 
 
 Doc. Excitement? 
 
 Dolly, Yes, vou see uncle has a new doctor. 
 
 Doc. Ahl Has he? 
 
 Dolly. Yes, a professor, and his arrival has created such a stir in the 
 house, that Daisy and myself have not had a moments rest since he came. 
 
 Doc. Is that so? And what impression has ke made? 
 
 Dolly. Oh, uncle and aunt think him a perfect godsend, sent to help 
 them out of their great affliction, but Daisy and I are of the opinion that h< 
 Ib some quack, trying to impose and work upon the credulity of an imagin- 
 ary sick pair. 
 
 Doc. In all probabilities you arc right. But what does this quack say aili 
 them ? 
 
 Dolly. Oh, every disease that flesh is heir to. And he has prescribed 
 drugs enough to stock a retail apothecary. 
 
 Doc. As I expected. Well, if your relatives will be so unpractical a* to 
 allow themselves to be practiced on b> a pretender, they must suffer th« 
 consequences. And now, what about the young merchant, my friend Staple, 
 and his case ? 
 
 Dolly. Oh, poor Daisy is moping and pining in consequence of her fath- 
 er having sent her lover a very insulting letter, forbidding him the house. 
 
 Doc. That is too bad on poor Staple, and I suppose his being a friend ol 
 mine, acted as an irritant to still more disturb the choler and excite the 
 epleen of old Crotchet — I should say your uncle. But has he not been here 
 to-day ? 
 
 Dolly. No, not yet; I wish he would come to cheer Daisy up— only he 
 is so bashful. 
 
 Doc. Yes, too much so; why don't he take example by me, and force 
 his suit at all hazards — but hark 1 some one is coming, 1 must go. 
 
 {going toward, c. D. 
 
 Dolly. Not by that door; that is the way they are approaching. 
 
 Doc. "Where then, here? {going toward, r. 1 E. 
 
 Dolly. Oh, no, no ! That is my bedroom ! Here in this closet. 
 
 {pointing to closet 
 
 Doc. There is no danger of them discovering me in it, is there? 
 
 Dolly. No, unless the dog smells you. 
 
 Doc. Yes, that confounded poodle of Aunt Dorothy's, it never did like 
 me. Does it bite? 
 
 Dolly. Yes, and his teeth are sharp, and he holds on with great tenaci- 
 ty — there, hide. 
 
 Doc. Gracious ! (Ae hides m closet 
 
 Enter Daisy, C. D. 
 
 Daisy. Well, Dolly, how do you like that man? 
 
 Dolly, (confused) Why-a-who? 
 
 Daisy. The doctor. 
 
 Dolly, {still more C071 fused) Oh, very much-a— 
 
 Daisy. You do? Well I don't. 
 
 Dolly. Whom do yoxi mean ? 
 
 Daisy. Why, this }>rofessor, as he calls himself. 
 
 Dolly, {relieved) Oh, why I think he is either a charlatan or impostor 
 
 Daisy. To me he appears to bft both. {John sticks his head in, G. D. 
 
 John. Look out, Miss Daisy, he is coming. 
 
 Daisy. The proiessor ? 
 
 John. No, Mr. Staple. I promised to give you a hint. 
 
 {he withdraws his head 
 
^2 . AN A FFLIC TED FA MIL Y. 
 
 Enter Staple, c. d. 
 
 Staple, {advancing bashfully) Misa Daisy, I am happy to see you agaiy* 
 
 Daisy. And I you, Mr. Staple. But how did you dare come to see ray fa- 
 ther to-day ? 
 
 Staple. Oh — a — I — a come to see you. 
 
 Daisy. Ah, then perhaps you have some new plan laid out ? 
 
 Staple. Plan? Oh, yes — but, ahem, {aside to Daisy) This other miss 
 being present I cannot speak as free as I would like to. {eyeing Dolly 
 
 Daisy. Oh, this is only cousin Dolly, and you need not mind her. Now 
 ^peak on — you must certainly have something of great importance to tell 
 me. 
 
 Staple, {encouraged, yet embarrassed) I have my dear — I should say, 
 ■miss, I wish to present my balance sheet. {taking it out of his pocket 
 
 Daisy. Your balance sheet? What do I want with it? What is it? 
 
 {taking it from him 
 
 Staple. It is a statement of my business. 
 
 Daisy. Your business ? What have I to do with your business — I am no 
 mevcVifint ? 
 
 Staple, {confused) Well— a — I — a — thought it part of the afifair. 
 
 Daisy, {giving it back to him) You are too funny. Have you nothing 
 further to say ? 
 
 Staple. I was to ask something of Miss Dolly for Doctor Linton. 
 
 Daisy. Well? 
 
 Staple. How does the young lady find herself? 
 
 Dolly. Quite well, thank you. 
 
 Staple, {taking hold of her hand, to feel her pulse) Will you allow me? 
 
 Daisy, {pulling him away from Dolly) What does this mean ? You come 
 here to see me, and make love to some one else. Do you know I could take 
 it as an aflFront? 
 
 Staple, {aside) Now the fat is in the fire! Please do not be ofi*ended. 
 Tour father has already got much offended — 
 
 Daisy. He will be more so if he find you here, especially to-day. 
 
 Staple. Oh, I was cautious. I have taken the chance now when he is 
 in a sweat. 
 
 Daisy. In a sweat? 
 
 Staple. Yes, at the Russian bath. Do not consider me so very unpratic- 
 al, my dear. 
 
 Dai$y. But you are mistaken; he is here, in that very room, consulting 
 with the new doctor. 
 
 Staple, {frightened) What is that you say ? 
 
 Daisy. And if I am not mistaken that is him coming now — yea, that is 
 liim. 
 
 Staple. Heavens! What shall I say to him ? ^ 
 
 Daisy. You must say nothing ; you must go. "* 
 
 Staple. Go? Can 1 not hide somewhere? Inhere? 
 
 {going toward, r. 1 k. 
 
 Daisy, {stopping him) No, that is my bedroom. 
 
 Crot. {outside) John, John I Betty, Betty I 
 
 Daisy. Do you hear? Hide! 
 
 Staple. Inhere? igoing ioioard the closet 
 
 Dolly, {stopping him) No, no, not there. 
 
 Daisy, {pointing to a curtained shower bath) Quick, quick, go in here. 
 
 Staple, {going in) In here? 
 
 Daisy, {drawing the curtain) Yes, this is papa's bath closet. 
 
 Enter Crotchet,' i.. Id. 
 
 Crot. {at door) Bring me two pails of water, Betty, {steps forward 
 rubbing his hands) At last, dear children, I have a doctor I You should 
 have seen how lie examined Clarence. He saw into his case immediately. 
 He says it is chronic gambrinus stomach distemper ails him; the result of 
 too much sitting up at night. 
 
AN A FFLICTED FA M IL Y. gg 
 
 Enter Betty, with two pails of water, 
 
 Betty. Here is your water, sir. 
 
 Crot. Fill the tank at once. 
 
 Betty. Yes, sir. I'll have to get the step ladder first, sir. 
 
 Crot. It 18 in that closet. {pointing to closet 
 
 Dolly. Here is a chair will do as well, Betty. 
 
 Daisy. You are not going to bathe to-day, dear papa? 
 Crot. I? Oh, no. 
 
 Daisy, (aside) Thank heaven I 
 
 Crot. But Clarence is; the professor has ordered a shower-bath for him. 
 
 Staple, {sticking his head out, as Betty upon the chair, pours one of the 
 pails of water into the tank) 0, lordy ! 
 Crot. {to Betty) What did you say ? 
 
 Betty. I did not speak, sir. ' (getting down 
 
 Crot. Now go, children, Clarence will soon be here. 
 
 Daisy. Can't he wait until this afternoon? 
 
 Dolly. We have work to do here now. 
 
 Crot. Work? Nonsense, the bath is of more consequence. 
 
 Betty, {after putting m the second pail) If you please, sir, the bath la 
 now ready {exit 
 
 Dolly, {aside) Oh, what can we do now? 
 
 Daisy. But the bath will not work, papa. 
 
 Crot. Why not? 
 
 Daisy. The apparatus is out of order. 
 
 Crot. Oh, yes, yes ; the pull is broken ; but it can be worked. I will 
 try it at once. Where is the ladder? {going towards closet 
 
 Dolly, [stopping him) There is a chair, uncie, Betty used. 
 
 Daisy. "We have tried it already, papa. 
 
 Crot. (getting upon the chair) Already? Nonsense I Then it had no 
 water in the tank. 
 
 Daisy. Oh, papa! {exit, hurriedly, ■&. n. 
 
 Dolly. Oh, uncle! {exit, hurriedly, Vi. D. 
 
 Crot. (pulling on siring and shower heard) Now, whal mpre do you 
 want ? Isn't that enough ? 
 
 Staple, (stepping out, dripping wet) Yes, I cannot stand anymore. 
 
 Crot. (gettuig down) Heavens on earth 1 You here again ? What do 
 you want? 
 
 Stap'e. { haking) I — a — only wished to inquire about your health. 
 
 Crot. In a bath? Such strange conduct lor a traveling merchant, I 
 never heard of before. 
 
 Staple. If you please, I am no traveling merchant — my letter will have 
 informed you of my desire. 
 
 Crot. Oh, you are the one who wrote me that letter. Well, my answer 
 acquainted you with my desire ; so we are through with each other. 
 
 Staple, (taking wet balance sheet out of his pocket) Pardon me, I am not 
 with you. Will you have ihe goodness to accept ot this, my balance sheet? 
 
 Crot. {taking it) It is all wet. What shall I do with it ? 
 
 Staple. Please to examine it. 
 
 Crot. Nonsense I I could not think of it. {laying it on the table) Your 
 physical condition concerns me more than your property. 
 
 Stopli. {shivering) I am really quite well. 
 
 Crot. To-day; but to-morrow you may have fever and ague. In gen- 
 eral, I know nothing of your qualities as to couBlitution and temperament; 
 these are main things to be considered in a son-in-law, especially in a fam- 
 ily where so many are ailing. Are you nervous, you shake so? 
 
 Staple, (shivering) 1 ? Oh, no. 
 
 Crot. Then you can have no sympathy for those who are. 
 
 Staple. Well, I am a little nervous. 
 
 Crot. Then that would be a nice thing for ray daughter to have to sit 
 all the time by your sick bed. Of what temperament are you ? 
 
S4 AN A FFLl CTED FAMIL Y. 
 
 Staple. I really do not know. 
 
 Crot. Are you sanguine ? 
 
 Staple. No. 
 
 Crot. Are you lymphatic? 
 
 Staple. No. 
 
 Crot. Then you are choleric ? 
 
 Staple. No. 
 
 Crot. What the deuce are you then? 
 
 Staple. Chilly, perhaps a little electric, my whole body is in a tremor 
 now. {shaking 
 
 Crot. That is to be expected, you are dripping wet, like a poodle dog 
 just washed. 
 
 Staple. You are very kind. 
 
 Crot. Haste and get away from here then ; you might catch your death 
 of cold. 
 
 Staple. Oh, no ; I am accustomed to dampness. 
 
 Crot. But you are shaking as if you had the chills. 
 
 Staple, {taking off his coat to wring it) If you please, I will take the 
 liberty to — 
 
 Crot. The man is flighty already— I will call the doctor at once, {calling) 
 Doctor ! {doctor looks out of the closet) Professor I 
 
 {the doctor draws back again 
 
 Enter Frizzy, L. D. 
 
 — Ah ! It is well you have come, dear Professor. I have here a dangerous 
 patient ; have the goodness to prescribe something. 
 
 Frizzy, {aside) Thuuderation, it is Staple ! Now impudence stand by 
 me I Ahem, the gentleman appears to have a fever, {aside, taking snuff) 
 I must get rid of him. {feeling his pulse with face turned away) Feyer, yes, 
 of the highest potence. The man is all fever. 
 
 Crot. {rubbing his hands) Now we have it. 
 
 Frizzy. Wrap him up in warm blankets and send him home immediately, 
 otherwise you risk his having a stroke of paralysis. 
 
 Staple, {frightened) Paralysis? For heaven sake, {aside, putting on coat) 
 His face seems' familiar to me. {observing Frizzy sideways 
 
 Frizzy. Just look how he rolls his eyes 1 Signs of hydrophobia and 
 delirium tremens. 
 
 Crot. Heavens! 
 
 Frizzy. Look, he is delirious already ! He will tremenize directly. If 
 that breaks out, he is done for. 
 
 Crot. Horrible I {rings hand-bell violently, and calls) John I Betty! 
 Dolly I Daisy 1 wife ! sister ! 
 
 They all enter in confusion. 
 
 Together. What is the matter ? What has happened? 
 Crot. Woolen blankets, shawls, hot-coals, a cab, quick! How dreadful 
 that anything like this should happen in my house. 
 
 They all rush and bring blankets and shawls, which they all try to wrap Staple 
 
 in 
 
 Staple, {throwing them ^ff) You exagerate. It is really not as bad as 
 you think. 
 
 Crot. Wrap him up. 
 
 Enter Dorothy, with pan ofeotUs* 
 
 Dor. I wonder if they are hot enough. 
 
 Crot. Cover him well. {they keep wrapping himup 
 
 Staple, {angrily, pushing them off) I assure you I am quite well, and I 
 will not be made a fool of. This is enough to drive one out of his senses. 
 
AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. 36 
 
 Frizz)/. Didn't I tell yon. Be quiet, sir. 
 
 Betty. The cab is here. 
 
 CroL Now, quick, off. (pufhing him 
 
 Staple, {reaching after talk) But, my balance sheet. Do you see, sir, 
 the tremens have bee;un ? 
 
 Doc. {bursting from the closet y and running about frantically, with a steel 
 rat trap hanging on to his coat-tail) Take the clog off— he is mad— he is 
 mad. He hangs on to my coat-tail. 
 
 {falling on his face in the middle of the stage 
 
 Frizzy. Off with him. 
 
 They try to push Staple out, but throwing them and the wraps off he rushes 
 for the door, running against Dorothy and colliding with John, entering 
 with large tray of bottles, boxes, etc. — Toh/eau. General confusion. 
 They all wrapping up each other, Dorothy picking up hot coals, and John 
 broken bottles, Dolly detaching trap from Doctor, Staple seen disappearing. 
 
 BND OF ACT III. 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 SCENE. — Drawing room in Crotchet's house. Door in c. and one to the r. 
 and to the l. Table by c. d., also one in the middle of the room, with 
 bottles, etc., on. Sofa and closet to the v., folding fire screen and easy 
 chair to the R., other furniture about the room. Crotchet, Mrs. C, and 
 Clarence reclining with their heads bandaged up. Dorothy, Betty and 
 John attending on them. 
 
 Mrs C. {putting her hands to her head) O, my head I 
 
 Crot. {putting his hands to his s^'de) 0, my side ! 
 
 Clar. {putting his hands to his stomach) 0, my stomach I 
 
 Dor. {wringing her hands) Omy poor Fido I 
 
 Mrs C. I cannot endure it any longer. 
 
 Crot. I shall die, 1 know I shall. 
 
 Dor. {to Crotchet) Did you say anything? 
 
 Crot, {loudly) I feel very mean. 
 
 Mrs C. Don't yell so. 
 
 Dor. {pouring medicine into soup ladle) Medicine. Here. 
 
 ( offering it to Crotchet 
 
 Crot. {turning away nauseated) Bah! I do not wish any more. 
 
 Dor. Some more ? There is no more in it. 
 
 Betty, {getting box of powders, and preparing one in glass) Missus, the 
 hour is up. {giving her one) If you please, 
 
 Mrs C. Yah, how nasty. 
 
 John, {filing table spoon from brown jug) And now, Master Clarence, 
 comes your twelve spoonsfull. {giving him them 
 
 Clar. {smacking his lips) Ah, that is nice. 
 
 John, {taking a spoonful, aside) I believe it. It is nothing but Bass' 
 bitter ale. [exit Dorothy, l. d. 
 
 Enter Frizzy ^ c. o. 
 
 Frizzy. Good-morning, good-morning, every one. I only dropped in to 
 see how vou were getting along. I see you are doing nicely; I expected 
 it. i^lc-ying hat and cane on table 
 
 Crot. To the contrary, we find ourselves quite unwell. 
 
 Frizzy. Splendid I That is just what I expected. 
 
 Crot. Why. 
 
 Frizzy. You see, my great sufferers, with the diseases of man, it is ex- 
 catly as with the fox and his hole if you wish to capture him, you must 
 first get him out; therefore 1 must first bring out the sickness before I can 
 
SS AN AFFLICTED FAMILY, 
 
 end it. Such is methodus Americayius. 
 
 Crot. The method may do for the American who has a good constitution, 
 but for us Britishers, it is too powerful. 
 
 Frizzy. God forbid ! Tho American constitution is also very weak, it 
 needs doctoring all the time. 
 
 Crot. My side ia getting worse and worse. 
 
 Mrs G. And my hen \ too. 
 
 Frizzy, {taking both of- their pulses) Allow me to feel your worthy pulses. 
 Oh, much better then yesterday. 
 
 John. Master Clarence is very much better, Mr. Professor. His medi- 
 cine is double extra dry — I should say extraordinary. 
 
 Frizzy. Ah ! I am glad. Without the medicine he would not have 
 been so far recovered. 
 
 John, {aside) Big fool ! "We threw his stuff to the dogs. Oh, I feel sick 
 now. 
 
 Frizzy. What ails you ? 
 
 John, {limping) I have such pains in my corns. 
 
 Frizzy, {thoughtlessly) Show me your tongue, [asidel Phew, ale. I 
 should say he had been aleing ! Uncertain ; but at any rate continue the 
 same medicine, the light brown. All continue taking the same medicines, 
 regularly and often, and keep yourselves warm. I am in great haste now. 
 
 [taking his hat and cane 
 
 Crot. You are not going already ? 
 
 Frizzy. Oh, yes ; I have an immense practice, every one is running af- 
 ter me. It is Drakevoice here and Drakevoice there, so that I have not had 
 time to get my breakfast yet. 
 
 Crot. Oh, that you can get here. John, serve the Professor some break- 
 fast in the dining room. 
 
 John. Yes, sir. [exit, L. D. 
 
 Frizzy, [putting down hat and cane} If you insist. 
 
 Crot. And you , Clarence, show the Professor our wine cellar, and if you 
 wish, sir, select yourself a bottle. [handing Frizzy keys 
 
 Clar. [jumping up and throwing oj^ bandage] Yes, father. 
 
 Haking Frizzy'' s hat and cane 
 
 Frizzy, [aside] Select? I am good at that. Cellar iceys? That's a 
 wise couclu.iion of the old man's. {exeunt Clarence and Frizzy, l. d. 
 
 Betty, {aside) lie will get fuddled. 1 must try and prevent him. 
 
 [busijiyig herself 
 
 Crot, This doctor remains here when we are bad, he is the kind to have. 
 
 {Crotchet and Mrs. C. both reclin» 
 
 Enter Dolly, b. d. 
 
 Dolly, [aside] The time for the doctor to come is near at hand; now to 
 get aunt and uncle out of the way. [to Mrs. C] Dear auntie, would you 
 not like to look at some silks and laces? 
 
 Mrs C. [silting up] Silks and laces ! Where child? 
 
 Dolly. I am going to drive down to Peter Eobertson's to look at some, 
 and get samples, and I did not know but maybe you would like to go along. 
 
 Mrs G. {standing up and throxoing off the bandage) Yes, Doliy, I will, 
 the drive will perhaps do me good. 
 
 Dolly. Then get ready, please, {aside) And when she is I will make 
 some excuse and let her go alone. {exit with Mrs. C, l. d. 
 
 Crot. Humph ! Let a woman be ever so sick, and mention silks and 
 laces to her, and she will rise, take up her bed, and walk — a mile to see 
 them. 
 
 Enter Daisy, r. d. 
 
 Daisy, (aside) Mamma and Dolly are going shopping. Now to get rid 
 of papa, before Staple calls with the Doctor, {to Crotchet) Pa[)a, how do 
 you feel? 
 
AN AFFLICTED FAMILY, 87 
 
 Crot. Do you not see I am prostrated? 
 
 Daisy. I am sorry; I thoucrht perhaps you would like to go and take a 
 Eussian bath to-day. Mamma and cousin art? eoing past the door and 
 could let you out, and stop tor you on the way bnfk, 
 
 Crot. [rising) Russian bath ? I believe I will go; tell them to wait 
 and I will go along. (throwing off bandage and exit, l. d. 
 
 Daisy, (aside) There, the coast is clear, {exit, l. d. 
 
 Betty, [coming forward] There's a storm a brewing somewhere, I feel 
 it in my bones. I hope Frizzy won't go and get fuddled, and make a don- 
 key of himself, and show his ears. 
 
 Enter Doctor, c. d., laying his hat and a bottle on the table by the door. 
 
 — Gracious, here'8 the young doctor! What is he here for? Mischief, I 
 shouldn't wonder ! 
 
 Doc. Ah ! Betty, is that you ? Will you be kind enough to let Miss 
 Dolly know I await her here? 
 
 Betty. Take a seat, sir, and I will (ell her. 
 
 Doc. Yes, do so ; and I say, iu?t keep a lookout, and let me know if your 
 master should return, that's a good girl. (<1'""«5' ^er a .^hilling 
 
 Betty, (curtseying) My duty to you, sir. (aside) Yes, I will keep a 
 lookout, but for something else. (exit, u. v. 
 
 The doctor left alone, takiyig a book from, his pocket, seats himself in the arm- 
 chair to read, pause, during which he acts restlessly, while Betty enters 
 again and slips into the closet. 
 
 Doc. (closing the book, and looking at his watch) Ten o'clock ; it is precise- 
 ly the time appointed, and my pntient, Dolly, does not seem to be on hand. 
 Can it be something has transpired to prevent having the interview she 
 wrote for and arranged ? The family are out driving I know, so they can- 
 not be th« cause of ber detention. There she is, and heavens, the aunt, too I 
 
 Enter Dolly and Dorothy, l. d. 
 
 Dor. Good morning Doctor. Yes, yes, you are surprised to be called 
 here. A verv sad circumstance caused us to write for you. 
 
 Doc. (loudly) Sad ? 
 
 Dolly, (softly to him) It is not so bad. 
 
 Dor. Oh, if I had only followed your advice about the veterinary sur- 
 geon. I had my Fido treated by a common man doctor, and he could not 
 endure that. He has gone over. Dolly thought you could help us out of 
 our trouble, so I advised her to write you. Speak my child, tell the Doctor 
 all that we have on our hearts. 
 
 (drawing some work out of her pocket, and sitting apart knitting 
 
 Doc. So it is to you I am indebted for this happy meeting ? 
 
 Dolly. Do not misconstrue this step that I have taken, sir, in full re- 
 gards of your honor and character, out of sympathy for a family to whom I 
 owe so much. 
 
 Doc. Speak freely, Miss Dolly ; if I can assist you and your relatives in 
 anv way with my counsel and advice, I am at you service. 
 
 Dolly. You can save my uncle from being destroyed with poison ; he 
 has fallen into the hands of an impostor, whom I consider wiihout conscience. 
 I pray you to examine these prescsfiptions, perhaps you can torm some con- 
 clusion from them f^s to his knowledge, (haiiding him several prescriptions 
 
 Doc. Has the knave prescribed all these in so short a time? 
 
 (looking them over 
 
 Dollv. Oh. these are not all, I only took those for samples. 
 
 Doc^ (laughing) Ha, ha, ha ! This is copied out of an old medical book. 
 Mr. Professor seems by the quantity of drugs he prescribes, to be in copart- 
 nership with the apothecary. 
 
 Dolly. Our house actually looks like a branch shop ; fortunately, the 
 
S8 AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. 
 
 drugs have had no bad effects, but think what dreadful consequences might 
 occur to uacle. 
 
 Doc. You need not give yourself any uneasiness, the medicines are not 
 dangerous. I will try and circumvent this wonderful doctor. But how do 
 yon find yourself to-day? {standing by her side 
 
 Dolly. Oh, thank you, very well — that is, pretty well. 
 
 Doc. (taking her hand) You appear to suffer. 
 
 Dolly, {trying to ivithdraw her hand) No, no. 
 
 Doc. Do not withdraw this gentle hand, I have long desired to tell you — 
 how grieved I was that I lost with your uncle such a lovely patient. 
 
 Dolly. Indeed, that you were interested in me? 
 
 Doc. Believe me, my attendance on your relatives would have ceased long 
 ago, had I not truly and sincerely, 1 — 1 — liked you. But after what has 
 happened 
 
 DollS/. Oh, you did perfectly right. If it is every ones duty to take con- 
 science as a guide for their actions, how much more so should it be for a 
 physician, thus to secure the truth — the truth and — confidence of his pa- 
 tients, on which his position and power depends. 
 
 Doc. {aside) How lovely she is 1 
 
 Dolly, No, you could not have acted otherwise, and I lore— esteem you all 
 the more for it. 
 
 Doc. {kissing her hand) What a charming champion you are. Oh, if 
 you only knew how happy this meeting makes me. 
 
 Dolly. Why, how your hand trembles! 
 
 Doc. Yes, and your also. 
 
 Dolly, {confused) It — a — always does when you hold it. 
 
 Doc. Does it dear one? Then I will hold you tighter. 
 
 {putting his arm around her waist 
 
 Dor. {to herself) They are going to waltz. Poor little Fido used to dance 
 so nicely. 
 
 Dolly. Oh, my heart. ^ 
 
 Doc. Bless your dear heart. I hope I may be able to cure it. 
 
 Dolly, {laughing) And you really took me to be sick? 
 
 Doc. Where love is, science ceases. {rapping heard 
 
 Dolly, {drawing away) Heaven ! uncle and the rest have returned. 
 
 Staple, {outside) Open the door. 
 
 Doc. It is Staple. Secrete yourself and aunt for a moment, and I will 
 get rid of him. 
 
 Dolly. Yes, yes, do ; Oh, I am in such a fright. I will retire with aunt 
 into the adjoining library, and you remain and dismiss him. 
 
 Doc. At once. 
 
 Dolly, (to Dorothy) Dear aunt. 
 
 Dor. What do you want ? Me to waltz ? prising 
 
 Dolly, {taking her by the hand) Please come here, quick! 
 
 Dor. Yes, but I do not understand. 
 
 {exeunt, Dolly and Dorothy shown by Doctor, l. d. 
 
 Betty, {looking out o/ the closet) Such a funk ! 1 thought sure they 
 were coming in heje. O lordy I {dodges back, knocking heard 
 
 Doc. {loudly) In a moment, immediately. Let me see, I will tell him 
 I came to make a post mortem examination of Dorothy's dog Fido. {knock- 
 ing again heard) Yes, yes. {opening the door 
 
 Enter Staple excitedly, c. d. 
 
 Staple, {laying his hat on the table in center of room) Ah I You here 
 Doctor ? I am glad. 
 
 Doc. Well, and what do you want? 
 
 Staple. My dear friend, I have much to tell you. 
 
 Doc. You must excuse me, I am expecting a patient to examine. I 
 have no time to spare now. (handing him his hat 
 
 Staple. Oh, Doctors always say that. It doesn't matter; to-day the 
 
AN AFFLICTED FAMILY S9 
 
 merchant would confide in his friend, and, as I lov^^ you, T must pour out 
 my whole heart to you. {laying hi.shat doutn. again 
 
 Doc. {again taking his hat) Well you can, but not now. I will meet you 
 at the restaurant in an hour, and then you can pour forth. 
 
 {giving him his hat again 
 
 Staple. In an hour? No, for me the present moment is ausi)iciou8. I 
 roust strike while the iron is hot. {laying his hat on table again 
 
 Doc. {presenting him his hat once more) Well, but I tell you — 
 
 Staple, {looking at the hat) Where do all these hats come from? I have 
 taken three away from you already. (retaining hold of xt 
 
 Doc. {aside) What! has the luan gone crazy? 
 
 Staple, {lin/iivg arm.'s with him) Now listen to me quietly. 
 
 Doc. Well, if you must, but quickly, if you please. 
 
 Staple. You know, dear brother, that I am, prf<ctically speaking, a 
 modest person. 
 
 Doc. {drawing away from him) Oh, yes. 
 
 Staple. That is, practically speaking, only apparenily. 
 
 Doc. {impatient /y) Go on, go on. 
 
 Staple. You see wlirn I was a child of four years, everybody remarking 
 my precautiousnes^ and boldness, said ; "He will make a smart man som« 
 day," and I became of such renown, that in my eighth year — 
 
 Doe. Please do me the favor to grow a little faster. 1 do not undert«and 
 what can be the matter with you to-day. You are extremely tedious. 
 What do you want, anyway? 
 
 Staple. But I must unfold it to you systematically, that is practically. 
 
 Doc. You will drive me to distraction. Cannot you tell me at once 
 what it is you wish ? 
 
 Staple. I wish the use of this room for an hour or so. 
 
 Doc. This room? 
 
 Staple. Yes, it is absolutely necessary ; but you can remain. 
 
 Doc. I ? You are really very kind. 
 
 Staple. You must remain. 
 
 Doc. Well, but, can you not leave all this until to-morrow? 
 
 Staple. No, it will not do. You must now remain with me here. That 
 is what I ^vished to explain to you. You see — 
 
 Doc. You and your explanations are intolerable, (a.si'e) I must inform 
 mv prisoners of this, lest I try their patience. One moment, please. 
 
 {exit, L. D. 
 
 Staple. This will be my first real interview with her. I am all excited. 
 Oh, if I had only known courtship was so circumstantial, I would never 
 have entered into it. Stop 1 Is there not some one coming? If it were 
 Bhe I I am all anxiety. 
 
 Enter Daisy, c. d. 
 
 Daisy. Well, sir. 
 
 Staple, {embarrassed) II is very nice and cool here. 
 
 Daisy, {looking about) You are alone! That is not according to our 
 agreement. The Doctor was to come and hear our conversation, therefore 
 I must leave you. {about to go 
 
 Staple. No, no, please, he is here ; you only came in too soon. 
 
 Daisy. You are alwavs able to make excuses. 
 
 Staple. Yes, yes, 1 am somewhat excusable, and confused, but it is only 
 on your account. You must forgive me, my love, for— 
 
 Daisy. Hold, sir ! Not another word without the Doctor being present. 
 
 Staple. No, no, beg your pardon. He is m there, I will call him in im- 
 mediately. 
 
 Daisy. Well, go, quick. 
 
 Staple. Yes, soon, soon. {standing twirling his hat 
 
 Daisy. Why do you not go then? . t ^ 
 
 Staple. Excuse me, but I have not told him any thing yet ; I must pre- 
 pare him first. 
 
p AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. 
 
 Daisy. Then I will go. {going 
 
 Staple. Yes, yes, do ; please step into that room for a moment. I will 
 c«U him in here and tell hira. 
 Daisy. Well, a? you will, but do not keep me waiting long. {exit r. d. 
 Staple. Thank goodness affairs are coming into order. Now for the doctor. 
 
 {about to exit, l. d. 
 Daisy re-enters, hurriedly. 
 
 Daisy, (alarmed) 0, heavens! How could you frighten me so? 
 
 Staple. {trembli.ng) Wha — what has happened ? 
 
 Daisy. Aunt's dead dog, Fido, is laid out in that room. Oh, my whole 
 body is in a tremble ! 
 
 Staple. Excuse me, I was not aware of it. 
 
 Daisy. Does that help it any ? 
 
 Staple. "What, the dead dog? 
 
 Daisy. No, this terrible fright. I am quite weak, {sinks hack on the sofa 
 
 Staple, {wringing his hands) lordy ! lordy I 
 
 Daisy. Oh, oh, oh 1 {sinking back 
 
 Staple. What can I do? Have courage, and do not faint. Is there 
 nothing here I can let her smell, (running about looking for something) 
 Ah I (takes the bottle, and pulling out the cork, holds it to her nose) There I 
 Bbe closes her eyes I Oh, if there was only a doctor about. Why, there ia 
 Linton. (going to l. d., he opens it, but starts back 
 
 Enter Doctor, leaving door open. 
 
 Doc. Man, have you lost your senses ? 
 
 Staple, (pointing to Daisy) No, but she has — look 1 
 
 Doc. Why, what has happened ? 
 
 Staple. She felt so miserable, I let her smell of this, and she went off. 
 
 Doc. (snatching it) My 1 chloroform ! (going to her 
 
 Staple. My clumsiness ! now it is all over. 
 
 (putting on his hat, and dropping into a chair 
 Doc. (shaking her) Arouse yourself Miss Daisy. 
 
 Enter Dolly. 
 
 Dolly. What do I see ? Daisy in a faint 1 
 
 Doc. No, Staple here, was stupid enough to chloroform her, 
 
 (stilt shakivg her 
 
 Daisy, (sitting up, recovering) Oh, where am I? I feel so peculiar. 
 {rising and looking about, dazed like) But, Daisy, how cam© you here. 
 
 ( Dolly and she talJ^ apart 
 
 Staple, (coming forward) Yes, that I do not understand, how it all came 
 about that — 
 
 Doc. Away from me you dangerous mischief-maker. Do not come near 
 me. (pushing him off 
 
 Staple. But, a — allow me to explain to you why. 
 
 Doc. I allow you nothing. Be so good as to remain standing where you 
 fire, and speak not a word further. That is the only way to prevent your 
 commiting any more blunders. 
 
 Staple. But— 
 
 Doc. Be still 1 (to Dolly and Daisy) Excuse me ladies, but it would be 
 best to forego all explanations at present. The principal thing now, is to 
 arrange how we are to expose that pretender. 
 
 Daisy, (satirically to Dolly) Ah, so that was his business here? 
 
 Doc. (to Dolly) We will proceed exactly as we have arranged. Send 
 for me, and I will be on hand. 
 
 Daisy. And what will you do with our bungler here ? (pointing to Staple 
 
 Doc. Leave him to me. He will work no more mischief. 
 
 (exeunt, the ladies, c. d. 
 
 Staple. Now I am as wise as before— Tell me — 
 
AN A FFLI CTED FA MIL Y. 41 
 
 Doc. Excuse me. (aside) I had forgotten the aunt, who will sit knit- 
 ting there, until doomsday if not called. {exit, l. d. 
 
 Staple. Whatl Has he got some one else hid iu there? Gracious, th© 
 aunt I 
 
 Enter Doctor, leading Dorothy. 
 
 Doc. {loudly) We are going to uncover, and look into his case. 
 
 Dor. What! Dissect my poor Fido? Never! {exit hurriedly^ R. 9. 
 
 Staple. That's right, get'rid of them all. I wager there is a whole dozen 
 of women in there. 
 
 Doc. No, no one else ; but now it is time we were oflf to get ready, and 
 bring Crotchet into our hands again. 
 
 Stajtle. Yes, yes; shall we go? {taking the doctor's hat in his hand) I 
 am ready. 
 
 Doc. {looking around) Where is my hat? 
 
 Staple. I have mine. [showing the doctor's 
 
 Doc. That belongs to me. {taking it 
 
 Staple. Yes, but where is mine? {hunting) There were so many here 
 before. 
 
 Doc. {laughing) Ha, ha, ha! It is now on a blockhead. 
 
 Staple, {feeling it) Did you ever? I am quite confused to-day. 
 
 {exeunt both, c. D. 
 
 Betty, (coming out of the closet) Ho, ho, mister conspirator ! So you in- 
 tend to spring a trap on Frizzy, as you did on yourself the other day? 
 Not if I can help it. (busying hefself 
 
 Enter Crotchet and Mrs Crotchet. 
 
 Crot. Well, I am glad T am home at last, for what with the weakening 
 effects of the bath and jolting of the carriage, lam nearly dropping to pieces. 
 
 {throwirig hivise/f on the sofa 
 
 Mrs C. (laying garments on center table) I feel unusually well. The 
 
 drive has done me a great deal of good. Betty, put away these things and 
 
 bring in the parcels. (exit Betty with garments 
 
 Crot. Yes, but your sickness is not chronic like mine; yours is easily 
 
 cured, while with mine, it seems the more I do for it the worse I become. 
 
 (putting his hand to his side and groaning 
 
 Enter Dolly, Daisy and Betty with parcels. 
 
 Dolly, {to Daisy) Now is the time to begin, (to Crotchet) Well, how 
 do you feel now, uncle ? 
 
 Crot. How do 1 feel ? What a question to ask. 
 
 Mrs C. 1 feel very well after my ride ; you missed it not going. There, 
 leave them here, Betty. 
 
 Crot. I have discovered from the book the Professor left me two more 
 deseases that I have 
 
 Daisy, (taking up the parcels) Come, mamma, let us see what Bamplea 
 of silk you have brought. 
 
 Mrs C. Samples? There they are. (showing them) Yes, and lace^, I 
 have brought also, see ? i ■, r\^^ 
 
 Daisy. Laces? (rushing up and taking the laces out of her hand) Oh, 
 they are exquisite and so deep too. 
 
 Mrs C. Over a quarter of an ell, and just think so cheap. 
 
 Dolly, (to Mrs. C.) Your brown silk dress trimmed with this would 
 look magnificent. 
 
 Mm €. {full of interest) Yes, dear, I think it would look real tasteful. 
 
 Daisy. Mamma, that will be just the thing for the ball at Mr Silver- 
 smiths. 
 
 Crot. Humph, I should think he had a bawl enough now. Hrfis almost 
 
 as sick as I am. , , , ^ rx ^ i. ^ 
 
 Dolly. Yes, vou know, aunt, his henlth was very poor, but after he had 
 a consultation of two doctors, they reached his case, and he has recovered, 
 BO that the ball will come off. if 
 
4M AN AFFLICTED FAMILY, 
 
 Crot. {risivg up io listen) A cousulation? Thunder and lightning! I 
 havn't tried that yet. 
 
 Dollr/. How ? 
 
 Crot. That is a capital idea. Strange I had not thought of it. I can 
 have one, and I must have one. Two doctors will naturally know more 
 than one. (to Mrs, Crotchet) "What do you say to our having a consulta- 
 tion, wife? 
 
 Mrs C. {evgaged with Daisy) Do not hother me now, I am very much 
 engaged, husband, {to Daisy) Come, child, we will measure, and see how 
 much we need of it. 
 
 Daisy, {aside, to D^lly) It works well. I will now let mamma into the 
 plot. {exeunt, l. i>., Daisy, Mrs Crotchet and Betty with parcel* 
 
 Crot, But where can we get another doctor in a hurry ? 
 
 Dolly. Yes, and it must be one that understands your case. 
 
 Crot. That would evidently be Linton j but h« would not come ; uselesi 
 lo ask him. 
 
 Dolly. I am afraid so too. 
 
 Crot. Well, we can try it, anyway, ^bat do you think? 
 
 Dolly. There will be no barm in sending for him. 
 
 Crot. Yes, yes, my dear, do that. Betty may go, she can be very pleas^ 
 ant. No, rather send John, he will not leave until the doctor comes with 
 him. "Wait after all, let Betty go, John is so brusque. Tell her to say that 
 I desire him to come do you hear, I desire him to come. 
 
 Dolly. Very well, (asile) That is all we desire. {exit r.. 
 
 Crot. (rubbtng his hnvds) A consultation, that is glorious I But suppose 
 they cannot, with tboir combined science, discover my disease? Then I 
 I will give it up. I will at least have done ray best. 
 
 Enter Frizzy, Clarence and John with bottles. 
 
 Frizzy. There is nothing to compare with such a small, wet breakfast. 
 It stimulates Ihe nerves and strengthens the blood. Sir, your wine cellar 
 is famous. This filty-sevener heidsick is jolly. 
 
 Clar. {a hiile tipsy) Here, lather, I have brought you a bottle, too. I 
 am quite unwell again. 
 
 Crot. {taking the bottle and putting it on the center table) You poor boy. 
 The damp cellar is thp cause. Is it not so, Proie^sor? 
 
 Frizzy. Quite possible. Damp cellars do have a bad effecton the human 
 system. 
 
 Crot. Go to your room, my son. 
 
 Clar. Ob, oh! yes, lailier. 
 
 Crot. Mr. Professor will at once prescribe something for you. 
 
 Frizzy. Oh, yes, a couple of glasses of bitter beer. 
 
 Crot. Bitter beer. 
 
 Frizzy. Yes, I mean to rub in, applicatimus. I tell you in such esses, 
 applications of tliat, to the pit of the stomach, are excellent. Y«ju can use 
 hop-malt extract for the same purpose — it is the same thing, only a little 
 more expensive. 
 
 Crot. {to John) You go with Clarence and attend in person to the appli- 
 cation. 
 
 John. Yes, sir. {taking Clarence's arm 
 
 Clar. Oh, oh, oh! (exeunt both 
 
 Crot. I have prepared a great surprise for you, protessor. 
 
 F'lzzy. You are not well. 
 
 Crot. No, indeed ; to the contrary I feel so miserable that I have de- 
 cided to have a consultation. 
 
 Frizzy, {frightened^ Consultation? {aside) The man is indeed well. 
 
 Crot. L have two reasons; first, my own condition, then on your ac- 
 count, to*give vou an opportunity to excel over an English doctor who 
 thinks he knows a great deal. 
 
 Frizzy. Hem, yes, that will be an easy matter. But then you will Buf- 
 fer by it. 
 
AN A FFLICTED FA M TL Y. 4S 
 
 (hot Suffer? T think to gain by it.* 
 
 Frizzy. A mistake, sir. You see such a consultation is like an oyster, 
 the two shells are the doctors, and the delicate oyster itself is the patient. 
 At first they all three hang well together, the patient in the middle, so— 
 (showtng with his hands)— but touch the patient and the shells clash togeth- 
 er, so— (clapping his hands)— then the poor oyster is apt to be done for. 
 
 Crot. Such a simile. But to carry out the simile don't it often happen 
 that they are both hard shell doctors, and being of the same opinion hinge 
 well, aa it were? 
 
 Frizzy. Never I 
 
 Crot. Not at all? 
 
 Frizzy. No. Besides when two doctors meet they have so much to say 
 about their theories that the patient is only a secondary consideration. 
 
 Crot. But I have taken it into my head, and besides the doctor is al- 
 ready sent for. 
 
 Frizzy. What, sent for already ? (aside) Then I must get away from 
 here. To-day, sir, I have no time, I am otherwise engaged. Besides I 
 have to sharpen my razors. 
 
 Crot. Your razors? 
 
 Frizzy. I mean my lancets ; yes, for an operation. Now you see the re- 
 sult of a consultation. 
 
 Crot. Good heavens ! 
 
 Frizzy. Yes, cutting is my beat forte. If the other one is for cutting 
 why we cut. 
 
 Enter John usheringlin Doctor, 
 
 John. Doctor Linton, sir. 
 
 Crot. (rising to greet him) This is the other doctor. 
 
 Frizzy, (aside) I am getting quite enlightened. 
 
 Doc. At your earnest desire 1 again present myself to yon, sir. 
 
 Crot. Very kind, very kind. I sent for you to prove 10 you that my 
 sickness is not imaginary. I have here a learned American professor, with 
 whom I wish you to consult, (introducing them) Professor Playfair Drake 
 voice this is Dr. Linton. 
 
 Frizzy. I am very much pleased. (bowing stiffly 
 
 Doc. Good morning, sir. 
 
 Crot. (to Doctor) Well, you know what I have sent for you for— pro- 
 ceed. But first I have one request, and that I must have gratified. 
 
 Doc. What? 
 
 Crot. You must not cut. Do you hear? 
 
 Doc. (laughing) Cut? Ha, ha, ha! 
 
 Frizzy. Do not alarm yourself, sir. (aside) I should like to cut and 
 run. 
 
 Crot. (to John) John, two glasses for the gentlemen, (aside to Frizzy ^ 
 xohile John brings two glasses) Now squelch him! 
 
 Frizzy, (aside) Squelch him? I could kill him. 
 
 Crot. Now, gentlemen, I will leave you alone. You will remain here 
 undisturbed, (going to door and sending John off^aside) But if they should 
 decide to cut I had better listen. (he secretes himself behind the screen 
 
 Frizzy, (aside) Now, audacity, stand by me. Ahem! A very pleasant 
 day this? 
 
 Doc. (seriously) Yes, very pleasant, and as I am rather pushed for 
 time I think we had better at once to our business. If you please we will 
 be seated. (pointing to chair on opposite side 0/ table and sitting 
 
 Frizzy, (sitting) Yes, we will be seated, but first take a little heart 
 •trengthener. (pours out wine) This stuff is prime, I have tasted it be- 
 fore, (drinks 
 
 Doc. (tasting his glass) Yes, it is very good. Well, let us begin. You 
 will agree with me that the chief basis of our consultation here is hypo- 
 chondria? 
 
 Frizzy. Basis? Hypochondria? (aside, taking snujf) Qo old Croicheiii 
 
44 AN AFFLICTED FAMIL Y. 
 
 suffering in the basis. I am glad to hear it. {to Doctor) Will you indulge? 
 
 Doc. {taking a pmcJt) Thank you. What do you say about it? 
 
 Frizzy. Quite riglit, Mr. Colleague, {pours wine again) Just my opin- 
 ion. With the basis I am quite lamiliar. {drinks 
 
 Doc. {a.^idc — sneezing) He will drink himself drunk. All the better. 
 In veno veritus. 
 
 Frizzy. But you do not drink, Mr. Colleague. 
 
 Doc. {drinking) Oh, yes; 1 will drmk now to the health and wealth of 
 Wr. Crotchet, and his speedy recovery, {drinks 
 
 Frizzy. Recovery? Mr, Colleague you will spoil the trade. We don't 
 find such customers as him every day. 
 
 Doc. You appear to be in a good humor, Professor. That gives me the 
 assurance that you do not consider his case dangerous? 
 
 Frizzy. Do you consider him dangerous? 
 
 Doc. No, 
 
 Frizzy. Neither do I. 
 
 Doc. But the factum is the same. He feels unwell, therefore it is our 
 duty to find out under what category his ailment belongs. Do you take it 
 for idiopathic or diotic? 
 
 Frizzy, {pouring wine again) Idiotic or diotic? This fifty-sevener is 
 certainly splendid — the brand is superb. {drinks 
 
 Doc. Confine yourself to the subject, please. Do you take his disease to 
 be primitive. 
 
 Frizzy. Oh, let the confounded disease go. That is too tedious. 
 
 Crot. Well, I declare I 
 
 Frizzy. Have you been to the theatre lately ? The Hamlet of Irving is 
 excellent. 
 
 Doc. We are not discussing the drama, and the analysis is quite necess- 
 ary. 
 
 Frizzy. AnnAlleysis? Who is she? But take a drink. 
 
 {offering hna wine 
 
 Doc. {drawing away nis glass) No, thank you, I have had enough. 
 
 Frizzy. How Avrong? A man can never get enough. 
 
 Doc. y<)U appear to be an allopath ? 
 
 Frizzy. Allopath, homeopath, hydropath, just as you please, it is all the 
 same. 
 
 Doc. But you must cure after some system. 
 
 Frizzy. System? Yes, yes, certainly, I cure all my patients through the 
 crisis. 
 
 Doc. What do you mean by the crisis? 
 
 Frizzy. Well, since we are by ourselves, Mr Colleague; it is for example 
 when a ntinibers of doctor, or politicians, have experimented andpraeticed 
 on a patient, or a country, until they have it in a precarious state, which it 
 can only recover from by the force and strength of its own constitution, 
 that condition is what I call the crisis. 
 
 Doc. Mr, Professor does not appear to have bad much education in 
 America. 
 
 Frizzy. Botherl We don't consider education of any consequence; the 
 constitution is the main thing . that is the true Jacob staff. 
 
 Doc. But how did you loam pharmacy and chemistry ? 
 
 Frizzy. Pharmacy ? Oh, you mean larming — in that we are a great deal 
 farther advanced over there, and we make plenty of money by chemistry. 
 
 Doc. Money? 
 
 Frizzy. Yes, money. For example, we invest a few dollars in various 
 kinds of chemicals, which we dilute with water, and sell for whisky, mak- 
 ing money in the operation 
 
 Doc. Ha, ha, ha! We have ^^hat way of making money here, too. But, 
 now, to our subject, the siclwieis of Mr Crotchet. 
 
 Crot. Yes, yes, do. {rubbing hu hands 
 
 Frizzy. Now be reasonable. This Crotchet is a regular fool. 
 
 Crot. Fool, 1 ? 
 
AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. 4$ 
 
 Frizzy. Did you say anything? 
 
 Doc. No, you spoke last. 
 
 Frizzy. Yes, yes, a regular fool, but a perfect gem to a family physician, 
 Mr. Colleague. An old pump, so to speak, that will never run dry, as long 
 as you keep pouring lots of stuff down the throat, and the handle going. 
 
 Crot. Heavens on earth ! 
 
 Dec. Are you in earnest? 
 
 Frizzy. Of course, I am in earnest. You are a young man, I would ad- 
 vise you to follow my mode of doctoring, and you will never lack for pa- 
 tients. 
 
 Doc. (rising) That is enough. In America, such bare-faced swindling 
 might do, but an honest English physician that has a sincere love for his 
 profession, turns with disgust from such imposition. 
 
 Frizzy. (risiJig) Well, but — a — 
 
 Doc. You are a miserable quack I You have sneaked in here, and impos- 
 ed yourself upon this family, but, thank heaven, I came in time. Mr. Crotch- 
 et is indeed sick, since he imagines he is, yet, fresh air, and out-door ex- 
 ercise is what he needs, and that is the only thing that will save him, but 
 if he follows your advice he will in a short time drop off with apoplexy. 
 
 Crot. My lord amighty ! 
 
 Crotchet looking too far over the screen, knocks it ever and falls, shut in between 
 the two parts. 
 
 Doc. {aside) He has been listening 1 all the better. 
 
 Frizzy, {ofering to help him) Poor fallen m valid! 
 
 Crot. (pushing him away) Let me alone. 
 
 Frizzy. The man has fell upon his head — paralysis of the brain, we shall 
 have to bleed him at once. 
 
 Crot. Keep away from me, you blood-sucker. 
 
 Frizzy. Fee for bleeding only two shillings and sixpence. 
 
 Crot. {striking and pushing him off) Don't come near me. {calling) 
 Wife, John, Betty, girls, doctor, help, save me! 
 
 Enter all the family and Staple. 
 
 All. What is the matter? What has happened? 
 
 Betty, (aside) As I expected, it is all up with Frizzy. 
 
 Doc. (helping Crotchet to his feet) Allow me to assist you — there. And 
 now the best thing you can do is to leave. {to Frizzy 
 
 Frizzy. Leave? What do you mean ? 1 am still physician here and 
 will have my say, (to Crotchet) Another such delirium and I will have 
 1,0 order an ice pack for you. 
 
 Doc. And if you do not leave at once 1 will order two policeman for you. 
 
 Frizzy, (looking at every one) I do not understand this 1 What does it 
 mean? 
 
 Doc. (to Crotchet) How did you come by this charlatan? 
 
 Frizzy. Charlatan? Sir, do you wish to insult me? I am not afraid of 
 ft poor medical wit, cienuA- a>sinww. But I see my patient, Mr. Crotchet, 
 has recovered. 
 
 Doc. Yes, and he has been made wise. 
 
 Crot. (to Doctor) Oh, yes, yes, from this hour. But who is this fellow ? 
 
 All (except Betty) Yes, yes, who is he? 
 
 Doc. {pulling off Frizzy' s loig and beard) My barberl 
 
 Betty, (rushing to and standing by him) My lover! 
 
 All. What, you? 
 
 Betty. Yes, Mr. Crotchet, at my instigation Frizzy tried to shave you, 
 aot out of ill-will, but to get your filty pounds reward. 
 
 Crot. Well, he shall have it for making me wise. 
 
 Frizzy, {bowing humbly) Kind hearted Crotchet. 
 
 Crot. But you, good dear doctor, will not leave me again? I will do 
 jverything you sayj yes, even work, if I only knew at what. 
 
 Staple, {stepping up) Perhaps you have examined my bal 
 
AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. 46 
 
 Doc. {pushing him aside) If you please, {io Crotchet) My friend Staple 
 here has a large mercantile trade, your experience will join in well with itj 
 form a partnership and go to work. 
 
 John, (aside) Now my appetite will come back. 
 
 Doc. He also loves your daughter, have a wedding, that will give your 
 wife something to do. 
 
 Crot. What say you to that, wife? 
 
 Daisy. Oh, mamma has given her consent already. 
 
 Crot. {handing Daisy to Staple) Well, son-in-law and future partner, 
 take her. 
 
 Staple. Thank you. And now with your permission I will retire. 
 
 {about to go 
 
 Doc. {stopping him) Man, where are you going ? 
 
 Staple. 1 have no dress coat on. 
 
 Crot. Dress coat? Nonsense, you ought to be satisfied to have my 
 daughter. 
 
 Staple. Then I will at least put on a white neck-tie. 
 
 {retiring back to put one on 
 
 Crot. Curious person I {to Daisy) But I hope the doctor will not tell 
 about this to the world. If he does we will be made a laughing stock of. 
 
 Daisy. He must also remain in the family; there is your neice, dear 
 papa, just look. (pointing to Doctor and Dolly talking apart 
 
 Crot. Is it possible? (going to them) Excuse me, Dolly, oblige your 
 lick, I should say well uncle, by accepting the doctor. 
 
 Dolly, (giving her hand) I have always obeyed you, uncle, and I will 
 now. 
 
 Dor. I don't understand. Are you all sick? 
 
 Crot. As for you, barber, you can take your accomplice and this money 
 and go. (handing him a purse 
 
 Frizzy. Thank you, sir, but where shall I go? Back to the barber shop, 
 Betty? 
 
 Betty, (leading Frizzy to the front and addressing audience) No, go on 
 the theatre stage, for I am sure our friends here will all agree with me in 
 •aying that you have played the part of doctor well, since you have cured 
 them all of one common complaint these dull times, namely the blues. 
 
 Tableau — Crotchet and wife in the middle; Frizzy and Betty to the front, C; 
 Daisy and Staple to the L.; Doctor and Dolly to the »./ Dorothy and John to 
 the ixtrtmc B. and h, * 
 
 CUBTAIN FALLS, 
 
i i^ECENTLY PUBLISHED. 
 
 I THE TURN OF THE TIDE, 
 
 5 WREC KED IN PORT. 
 
 !? of'S'ri! f!.''? ^""1^^ ^l^ ^''- ^'Ikins ia at this time the most popular write* 
 ^ wo? 7 H«i""t^"' Dramat c CompaniBB in the United State8,"f not in Z 
 ^ThIn.^rA ^ P • ^"^^.r Z^ ^°^^ ^"«° *^« 0^P^^«' Three Glasses a Day, 
 t- h«l K ^i ^"i°u' Mother's Fool, The Coming Man. etc., all of which 
 
 1 and r^r^r w''f i^ ''""i^ ^" ^™^*^"' companies in the United State. 
 
 2 SriLo oa t* ^e Jake much pleasure in presenting now his latest and best 
 - T>,« «t. ^^'^^^ knowing that it will invariably suit all who purchase it. 
 
 3 n,ffi«n« o^/"/?"^"?^ t"" 9^^ "'^^^ ^'^' *°^ 2d leading men, villain, tw« 
 * ?n the fid^w^Jff' H T}"" '' 7^:^ ^^?°^- '^^^'^ ^^« ^*^« produced *Out 
 ?{S.r PaTi?. i" ^°.^ 'Pepper' in this play, fully as funny as 'Pete' in 
 I IZa *^f°^«^l«^ characters are a fault-finding old woman, leading, juvenile, 
 a and a splendid comedy. The plot is simple, and yet very effective. Thi 
 
 serious portions are balanced by the comedy ones, indeed it is the drama 
 g Amateurs w^t. See synopsis below. Price 16c each. Send one cent posi- 
 f" age stamps if possible, or 2s and 3s. ^ 
 
 1 SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. 
 
 g Act FiRST.—The fisherman's home— reminiscences of the wreck. The gath. 
 I ering storm— Reference to the money— Entrance of the Pirate— Aunt Becky 
 
 expresses her opinion of him— Pepper tells his story— The sunset gun— The 
 ^ storm breaks-Susie's secret-Pepper struck by lightning— A signal of dis- 
 ? I^wi? *^® water— Clyde's proposal— "I have the power"— Lillian's secret 
 -.—"Why can 1 1 die I He has forfeited all claims to honor or respect, and 
 
 1 hopelessly cast me off, yet notwithstanding all this, I love him."— Entrance 
 3 Of Clyde, "You here I Becone nnd Iftt. vmir lina ha aooiari ^» tmi «.,«. «..* 
 
 g onair."— The pirates rob the house, 
 w Act Sbcond,— Frisky's communings— She and Pepper have a little falline 
 a o"^Pepper'B pursuit of knowledge under the table— Clyde shows his colors 
 ^ and plays his first card, "Then my answer must be *yes/ though it break the 
 « heart of my child."— The old man tries to drown his sorrow— Pepper goeu 
 ^ for clams- Entrance of Lillian, "Yes, pirate though you are, and chieftain 
 S of the hunted crew, I love you still I The time will come when vou will find 
 g I am the truest friend you ever bad."— Aunt Becky relieves herself of a few 
 w ideas and Pepper gives her a few more— The old fisherman falls a victim to 
 2 Intemperance, and Aunt Becky expresses her opinion of "sich doins."— The 
 so meeting of Clyde and St. Morris— The combat— Death of Clyde, "Oh, Hea- 
 ► ven I I am his wife."— Tableau. 
 
 W Act Third.— One year later — Company expected — Pepper has a "worry 
 ^ curis" dream — Capt. St, Morris relates a story to Susie— Love-making inter- 
 •5 rupted by the old fisherman — His resolution to reform — Aunt Becky thinkr 
 2 she is 'slurred.' — Lillian communes with her own thoughts — The Colonel ar* 
 J rives— Pepper takes him in charge and relates a wonderful whaling story— 
 Jl Restoration of the stolen money— "The same face, Heavens 1 I cannot be 
 g mistaken." "It's all out."— The Colonel finds a daughter— He tells the 
 )Q story of his escape from the wreck— Old friends meet— The Colonel's propo- 
 sal and acceptance. "Bress de Lawd.'* — Happy ending, with song and 
 chorus.— "Wait Fob Thk Tubh Of Thb Tidb." 
 
THE LATEST NEW PLAY 
 
 ^ JUST ISSUED AND NOW READY. ^ 
 
 PRICE 35 CEIVTS. 
 
 HAL HAZARD, 
 
 OR THE FEDERAL SPY ! 
 
 A Military Drama of the late war of the Rebellion, 
 in four acts, by 
 
 Fred G. Andrews 
 
 This drama is a great success, and is published now for the first 
 time, from the author's original manuscript. There has been a de- 
 mand for a play which could be used by Grand Army Posts, Mili- 
 tary Companies, etc., which would be effective, and yet not difficult 
 to represent. This want Hal Hazard will supply. 
 
 It has eight male characters and three female. A few soldiers, 
 both U. S. and C. S., may be used, but there is no elaborate drills 
 or difficult stage business to try the patience of the manager. It 
 takes from 1% to 2 hours to present it. 
 
 The leading character is a double one. "George Clarendon," 
 who assumes the character of "Old Hal," a very deaf and shrewd 
 old man, who is equally at home in the Confederate or Federal 
 Camp. As the Spy he is always on hand at the proper time, and 
 always comes out ahead in all places where his services are needed. 
 The other characters are all good, consisting of a Captain and Lieu- 
 tenant in the U. S. Army, and four Confederates. Generals Sher- 
 man, Stoneman and Garrard are represented, but may be omitted if 
 desired. There is also an excellent Leading Lady, Old Woman and 
 Negro Comedy Woman. 
 
 We think those who order and produce this play will be more 
 than pleased. Address j^our orders to 
 
 A. D. AMES, PUB., 
 
 LOCK BOX d02. CLYDE, OHIO. 
 
AMES' PLAYS-Continued. 
 
 119 
 
 93 
 
 •• ••> 
 
 ii8 
 ri 
 ic, 
 
 « 
 
 7 
 2S 
 108 
 
 105 
 
 5 
 
 o(> 
 
 4! 
 
 70 
 •jH 
 111 
 
 Mother's Pool, farce, .' act, by W. Henri Wilkins 6 1 
 
 Mr. A Misf. Priufrle. farce, 1 act, by Don T. Do Treiiba Cosio ' 7 
 
 My Heart's in the Hig!iland>. farce, 1 act 4 
 
 My Wife's Relatioiiri, comedietta, lact. bv Walter Gordon* 4 
 
 Ko Cmo No Pay, Ethiopian tarce, 1 act. bv G. W. H Gr.ffiu * 3 
 
 Not as Deaf as He Seems. Ethiopian farcr.'l act "' 2 
 
 Not so Bad After All, comedy, 3 acts, by Wybert Reeve 6 
 
 Dbcdience, Comeiliett;i, 1 act, bv Hattie L. Lanibla 1 
 
 Old Pnil's Birthday, drama, 2 acts, by J. I'. WooJer .......\. 5 
 
 On the S;Iy, farce, 1 act, by John Madi.-on Morton "' 3 
 
 Other Pfopiii's Children, Ethiopian farce, 1 ct^ by A. N. Field 3 
 
 Our Dang iters, society comedy, 4 acts, by Fred L. Greenwood. ...V 8 « 
 
 Ontcast's Wife, drama. 3 acts, oy Colin H. HazeJwood 12 
 
 Ont on the World, drama, 3 acts 5 
 
 Out in the Streets, temperance drama. 3 acts, bv S. N. Cook »} 
 
 P;iddy Miles' Bov, Irish farce, 1 act. 1)V James Pilgrim '" 5 
 
 Painter of Ghe. I, play, 1 act, i)y Douiflass Jerrold '.'." 5 
 
 Pas>i()ns, comedy, 4 acts, by F. Marma(hilve Dev y 
 
 Poacher's Doom, domestic dram , 3 acts, by A. D. vmes ..." 8 
 
 iJeseued, temperance dr;im:i, 2 acts, i)v C. U. Gilbert '......'. .■> 
 
 Keverses. domestic drama. 5 acts, by '\. Newton Field .'..'. U 
 
 Hock Allen the orjfhan, drama, 1 act. by W. Henri Wilkins 5 
 
 Rooms to Let without Board, r:thiopi!in farce, 1 act ' " 2 
 
 Saved, tmiperance sketch, 1 act, l)v Edwin Tardy [ 2 
 
 Schnaps, intch farce. 1 act, by M. A. D. Cliffton 1 
 
 thoul, Ethiopian farce. 1 act, by A. Newton Field... '5 
 
 S. 11. .V. M. Pinafore, burlesque. 1 act. by W. Henri Wilkins 5 
 
 Somebody's Nobody, farce, 1 act, ijy C. A. Maiiby 3 
 
 Sixteen Thousand Years 'go, Ethiopian farce, 1 act 3 
 
 Sport with a Sportsman, Ethiopian farce, 1 act '..'.'.I 2 
 
 Spy of At) nta, militaty alleiroiy. (i acts, by A. D. Ames, 25 cents..'! 14 
 
 Stage Strnck Darkey. Ethiopian farce, 1 act 2 
 
 Stocks Up, Stocks l^own, Ethiopian farce. 1 act """II 2 
 
 Ten Nights in a B;ir Roo 71, temperance drama, 5 acts "I 7 
 
 Tnac Hoy Sam, Etlii()i)ian farce, 1 act, by - . L. Cntl r "" 3 
 
 Thar Myst riou- Bundle, farce, 1 act. by H. L LKambla " 2 
 
 Tlie liewitci-ed Cos.t sketch, 1 act, by H. L. Lanibla "I 5 
 
 Tiie Hiter Bit. comedy, 2 acts, by Barham Livius 5 
 
 The Coming Man, farce, I act. by W. Uenri Wilkins II 3 
 
 The F Ise t'riend, drama, 2 acts, by Geor<re S. Vantrot "11 6 
 
 i he Fatal low, meodrania, 2 acts', by Edward Ficzball 7 
 
 The Fortv-Niners, or The Pioneer's Daughter, border drama, 5 acts', 
 
 by t. \V. Hanshew 10 
 
 The Gentleman in Dlack. drama, 2 acts, by W. H. Murray 9 
 
 Toe New Magdalen, drama, i)ro. 3 acts, by A. Newton Field 8 
 
 The Popcorn^Man. Erhiopian farce, 1 act, l)y A. Newion Field 8 
 
 '1'^ Reward of i.rime, (irama, 2 acts, by W. Henri u Ukins 5 
 
 Tlie -erf, truLicdy, 5 acts, by R. Talbot 1 6 
 
 Tile Sliam Professor, f:i;ce, 1 act, by F. L. Cutler 4 
 
 The Studio. Ethiopian farce. 1 act ".I 3 
 
 Turn of the TUle. temperance drama, 3 acts, by W. Henri Wilkins.. 7 
 
 Tiie Two T. J's, iarc , 1 act, by Margin Beeclu-r... 4 
 
 Tlu; Vow of the Ornani. drama, 3 acts, by J. N. Gotthold "I 8 
 
 Thuty-rhree iiext Biithday, farce, 1 act. by M. Morton .'.'.'.II 4 
 
 Those Awful Boys, Ethiopian f;trce, 1 act, by A. Newton Field I 5 
 
 Tliree (Jiasses a D;iy, temperance drama, 2 acts, W. Henri Wilkins.. 4 
 
 Tiirough Snow and Sunshine, drama, 5 acts 6 
 
 Twain's Dodgi'L'. Ethiopian farce. 1 act, by A. Newton Field ...III 3 
 
 When Women Weep, come lietta, 1 act. by J N. Got hold 8 
 
 Wooing nder DilViciiltics, farce, 1 act. by J. T. Douglass I 4 
 
 Won at La-l, comedy drama, 3 acts, by Wybrrt Ii<teve 7 
 
 Wh;C:i will he Marry, farce, 1 act. by Tnomas E. Wilke 
 
 Wrecked, temperance drama 2 acts, by A. D. Ames 9 
 
 Yaidiee l)neli.-t. farce. 1 act. by A. Newton Field 2 2 
 
 2 8 
 
LIBRfiRV.Of„.iS»«l 
 
 New Music ! La 
 
 A II«'altli t<* Our Hostess. A 
 
 Spangler, Jr., Muse by F.O.Wilson. ' """Tr igK 833 9 
 jilease those who onier it, can be sung ii W tJ*" *** - .. .^xTT^iccri 
 piece. Price 40 cents. 
 
 l>ore Vas Eiu T.eertle l>oitclier Oal. A capital Dutch song for 
 m =le voices, word^ by W. H. Spangler, Jr., music by F. O. Wilson. Can be 
 used as a >o o, oy solo and chorus. Is sure to please all who purchase it. 
 Price 30 cents. 
 
 Tltat little Bla<'k IWlMStache. — Comic Song and chorus, by James 
 M. Dow. Vory taking, and a great success. Price .30 cents. 
 
 Fayette M^altz. — For piano or organ, by Will R. Reynolds. Easy 
 and very pretty. Price 25 cents. 
 
 Wait lor tlic Turn of tlae Tide.— As sung in Wilkins' Dratjia, 
 ''The Turn of the Tide." Arranged sis a quartette by Will R.Reynolds. 
 Very suitalde for exhibitions, as it is easy, and at the same time very pleas- 
 ing. Price 30 cents. 
 
 My Waine Vas Heinrieli Hans.— A roering Dutch Song, words by 
 W. H. S))angler, Jr., music by F. <>. Wilson. This song has made a great 
 hit, and is jironounced by both Press and Public the greatest hit of many 
 years. Of moderate difficulty. No Dutch Qomediau can afford to be 
 without it. Price 30 cents. 
 
 — mm — 
 c<Cr^j NfiW PlavS JUST BSSUHQ. ^^ 
 
 ■^ 
 
 New Plays Just Issued. 
 
 ^ew Years iu j^e^' Tori* ; or the Cwerinan Baron. An original 
 Comedv.in two acts, by W. II. !^pal)gler. Ji. 7 male, and 6 lemale!*. Wt'\ 
 believe'this to be one oi' the best modern comedies ever written. Tnere \s 
 a gieat variety of characters, each one entirely diffHrent fr«)m all the oth- 
 ers. The Dutchman is simply immense, and every speech is the signal 
 for a laugh. li you have never read this play, it will pay you to order a 
 a oopy. 
 
 'i lie fli<l<len Xreasures* A drama in a prologue and four acts by 
 Zelia Careo, 4 niale and 2 lemale characters. Amateurs will find this a 
 capital ]>'ay for their use, and if looking for eomething suitable will not be 
 disajipointed. Time of performance, 1 and 3-4 hours. 
 
 Wanted a Husband. A Dutch Sketch in 1 scene, by F. L. Cutler, 
 
 2 male, J feim.le. Very funny. Time 20 minutes. 
 
 CufBTs I.neli An Ethiopian Sketch, by F. L. Cutler, 2 male?, 1 fe- 
 male. Another of Mr'. Cutler's best. Time 15 minutes. 
 
 Old I'ompey. An Ethiopian Sketch in 1 scene, by F. L. Cuth-r, 1 
 male, I lemaie. Good character for an aged darkey impersonator. Will 
 always ])leiise. Time 20 minutes. 
 
 Our Haiift'hters. A society comedy in four acts. t>r Fred. L. 
 Greenwood (Fi'om the German) 8 males, rt feninles. Very cleverly 
 nhows the t'oibles of fashionable society, xmd ia a good modern comedy, and 
 ■will ])!ease an audience. Co.stumes modern. Time ot production, 2 hours. 
 
 Tlic l^iniji^rant's I>au filter. A thrilling border drama iu 
 
 3 acts, by Len. Ellsworth Tildeii, ?^ male, 3 female charstcters. A ]>lay-\ 
 which will please any audience. The best border drama ever wriiten. 
 Time about 2 hours. 
 
 All the above Plays 15 cents each, unless markei otherwise. 
 
 Address, A. D. AMES Publi.'^her, 
 
 Clyde. Ohio,