L ns o-teK/ DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Larse Catalogue Free. 6 6 7 5 6 6 9 7 DRAMAS, COMEDIES, ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. M. F. Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 acts, ZVz hrs (35c) 8 8 Abbu San of Old Japan, 2 nets, 2 hrs (35c) 15 After the Game, 2 acts, 1^4 hrs (25c) 1 9 All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (35c) 4 4 All on Account of Pollv, 3 acts, 2^ hrs '..'... (35c) 6 10 And Home Came Ted, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (50c) Arizona Cowboy, 4 acts, 2J4 hrs (35c) Assisted by Sadie, 4 acts, IVz hrs (50c) As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 2y2 hrs (35c) At the End of the Rainbow, 3 acts, 2'4 hrs (35c) 6 14 Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 9 3 Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, 1^ hrs. (25c) 17 Boy Scouts' Good Turn, 3 acts, 1^ hrs (25c) 16 2 Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2J4 hrs (25c) 7 3 Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2J4 h. (25c) 7 4 Call of the Colors, 2 acts, 1'/^ hrs (25c) 4 10 Call of Wohelo, 3 acts, 1^ hrs (25c) IC Camouflage of Shirley, 3 acts, 2Va hrs (35c) 8 10 Civil Service, 3 acts, 2iA hrs. (35c) College Town, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (35c) Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 2iA hrs. (35c) Deacon Entangled, a actJ, 2 hrs. (35c) Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) Dream That Came True. 3 acts, 2Vx hrs (35c) 6 13 Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr (25c) 10 Enchanted Wood, IM h.(35c).Optnl. Everyyouth, 3 acts, 1^ h, (25c) 7 6 Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 hrs. ; (25c) 4 4 For the Love of Johnnv, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (50c) Fun on the Podunk Limited, yVi. hrs (30c) Gettin' Acquainted, 25 mm. (35c) hei Honor, the Mavor, 3 acts, 2 hrs (35c) 6 5 9 8 5 5 6 4 8 4 6 3 9 14 3 5 M. ■£. High School Freshman, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 12 Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 6 4 Jayville Junction, l*^ hrs.(25c)14 17 Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (35c) 10 9 Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 acts, 21.^ hrs (35c) 6 13 Laughing Cure, 2 acts, 1^ hrs. (35c) 4 5 Lightiiouse Nan, 3 acts, 2^4 * hrs (35c> 5 4 Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2^4 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Little Clodhopper, 3 acts, 2 hrs (35c) 3 4 Mirandy's Minstrels. . . . (30c) Optnl. ;Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 acts, 254 hrs (35c) 4 7 My Irigh Rose, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. (35c) 6 6 01-1 Maid's Club, 1^ hrs. (30c) 2 16 Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 hrs (2Sc) Old School at Ilick'ry Holler, \Vx hrs (30cU2 ! On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 21/2 hrs ^ (25c) 10 - Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 hrs (35c) 4 Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2V7. h.(35c) 7 • Real Thing After All, 3 acts, 214 hrs. (35c) 7 ! Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2J4 hrs (35c) 101: Ruth in a Rush, 3 acts, 254 hrs (3Sc) Safety First, 3 acts, 254 hrs (35c) Southern Cinderella, 3 acts. 2 hrs. ..(30c) Spark of Life, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) Spell of the Image, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs (35c) 10 10 Star Bright, 3 acts, 2^^ h. (35c) 6 5 Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 6 4 Thread of Destiny, 3 acts, 2^/^ hrs (35c) 9 16 Tony, the Convict, 5 acts, 2Y2 hrs (25c) 7 4 Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 2J4 hrs. (35c) 6 18 Trip to Storyiand, 1^4 hrs.(25c)17 23 Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 234 hrs. (25c) 8 3 Under Blue Skies, 4 acts. 2 hrs (35c> 7 10 When Smith Stepped Out, 3 acts, 2 hrs (50c) 4 4 Whose Little Bride Are You? 3 acts, 254 hrs (50c) 5 5 Winning Widow, 2 acts, VA hrs. (25c) 2 .4 8 6 S 7 4 4 T, S, DENISON &COMPANY, Publishers, 623 S. Wabash Ave. , Chicago AN IRISH STEW A ONE-ACT FARCE BY JEFF BRANEN AUTHOR OF 'An Irish Alibi/' "The African Golf Club," "The Battle of Roaring Bull," "The Coon at the Door," "A Dark Secret," "Hozv to Stage a Minstrel Show," "Denison's Minstrel Opening Choruses and Finales," Etc. CHICAGO T. S. DENISON & COMPANY Publishers AN IRISH STEW For Six Men and Four Women^^ CHARACTERS. ^^^ Dennis Hogan A Mean Man by No Means Donald Hogan His Son Patrick Lahev His Confidential Friend Gaston Marcel A Tonsorial Artist Tim Toolin A CIose-Fisted Irishman Jasper Lee 4;/ FAwny Undertaker Marv Hogan D'£nnis's Wife Marian Hogan TJil^r Daughter Leonore Schmidt .^ Dehutanic Mrs. O'Flahertv / Feniperamental Widoiv Place — Hogan' s Front Parlor. Time — Any Frening. Time of Playing — About One Hour. copyright, 19i'1, BY JEFF BRANEN OCT 10 I9'-'I ®C/.0 5881.'8 AN IRISH STEW CHARACTERISTICS AND COSTUMES. Dennis — Middle-aged, •medium height and weight, dressed soberly and in keeping with the times. Irish make-up, bru- nette turning gray, with a bald pate ; smooth-shaven face with lines and wrinkles to indicate a hard-working head of a non-productive household. Donald — A characteristic college boy, aged about 17, full of dash and loyal to his colors. In college regalia ; coat sweater with large college letter or class numeral upon breast. When changing to street costume, his style is flashy and in keeping with the times. Patrick — Middle-aged and slight with characteristic Irish make-up, typical bald Irish red wig and side-burns. His dress is of the average Sunday-go-to-meeting type ; can be a swallow-tailed or Prince Albert coat ; flashy vest, gaiters, preferably white ; tan derby hat, standing collar and an inflammable cravat. Gaston — An undersized, strutting foreigner with French characteristics. Exaggerated foreign dress ; small black moustache ; long flowing watch cord of silk ribbon or fine gold links, suspended from neck to watch pocket ; patent leather pumps or shoes, with loud gaiters ; eccentric hat, either straw or derby ; a cane and a pair of chamois gloves. Aged 28. Tim — Middle-aged and sedate, with smooth face and the general appearance of the grasping type. Seldom smiles and delivers his lines satirically. Wears black. Jasper — A tall darky, aged 3?, wears long Prince Albert coat and high silk hat, spats and gloves to match. Tortoise- rimmed glasses can be added. A white or yellow chrysan- themum can also be worn in the lapel of coat. Mary — A middle-aged motherly woman of medium height and weight, her face lined and hair turning white to de- note care brought on by domestic activities. Her dress is of the usual housekeeping type and in keeping with the times. Her hair-dress is characteristic of the old-fashioned 4 AN IRISH STEW mother, combed back and fastened in a knob at the back of the head. Marian — A tall, grace fnl girl, aged 19, fascinating, re- fined and a little inclined to be dissatisfied with her ordi- nary station in life, yet by no means lacking in filial devo- tion. Hers is the customary street costume of the times. Leonore- — A sweet-faced girl, aged 16, of the ''co-ed" type ; dressed stylishly but modestly in keeping with the times. Mrs. O'Flaiierty — A dashing widow, aged 45, dressed like a girl of 16 and displaying a lack of discretion in her selection of colors. She is tall and rather inclined toward a "strenuous" build. She carries a fan and a lorgnette, suspended from flashy chains or ribbons, both of which she uses whenever the least bit excited. SCENE PLOT. 1 c. D. f STAGE DIRECTIONS. R. means right of stage; C, center; R.C., right center; L., left; R. D., right door; L. D., left door, etc.; / E., first entrance; U. E., upper entrance, etc. ; D. F., door in flat, or scene running across the back of the stage ; up stage, away from the footlights ; down stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. AN IRISH STEW Scene: The Hogans parlor, modestly furnished. Doors zvith interior backing, C, R. and L. Upright piano, with bench or stool, up R. in cdrner. Bookcase L. C, against flat, near C. D. Betzveen piano and C. D. a chair. Sofa is at L. C. Chair L. of C. D. Small table against L. flat, with chair. Table zvith tzvo chairs dozvn R. Adorning the zvalls are a fezv cheap pictures, most conspicuous being a large framed portrait, in colors, of a football player, near C. D. This is prepared so that backing may be removed easily and another picture inserted. At rise of curtain, Dennis Hogan enters from L. zvith cardboard portrait of a man in Jiis hand — any picture such as is used for zvindozv display by political candidates. He looks at the pictures Jianging upon tJie z^'all until his eyes rest upon the football star. By his actions he denotes his decision and instantly takes a chair, places it beneath thr. picture, mounts the chair and pulls dozvn picture zvith none too much consideration. He immediately comes dozvn from chair, goes to the table dozvn R., examines the back of the frame, lays it face dozvnzvard on table and begins to re- move the picture from the frame, zviiile lie is singing quietly to himself: Dennis. Sure, if ever I get back again, I'll make that girl m}^ bride, And I'll hold her in nie arms down by the tanyard side. (This song is repeated in bits and at intervals, as he con- tinues to remoz'c the football hero from the frame and to substitute the other, after zvhich he mounts the same chair, replaces the frame on the zvall, dismounts, removes the cJiair from the zvall to its former position, and then stands back to admire the nezv face from a distance, just as — ) Mary Hogan enters and stands studying him. Mary. Arrah, Dinnie, what have you done? {Goes to 5 6 • AN IRISH STEW table, picks up the football star and looks pitconsly upon it, and then forbiddingly at her husband.) Dennis. Why ax such a foolish question and ye're lookin' right at me? (Still admiring the nezv picture and not looking at his wife.) Mary. Where on earth did you get that chromo? This is no place for him. I'll not spoil me parlor with a freak like that. Dennis (turning upon her). Be careful what you're sayin' ! You and I don't very often have words. But if you say another word against that face up there, you might as well prepare yourself — Mary. AVhat will poor Donald think to see his hero dis- carded for a mug like that? Dennis. Mary Ann! (Sco7vls at her.) Mary. The parlor is no place for either, but if I must put up with one or the other, haul that ,pie-face down and put this one back where it was. Dennis. I'll do nothin' of the kind. That picture'll stay right where it is, there on that wall, till I get good and ready to take it down. And let me tell you, Mary Ann, never let me hear you refer to that friend of mine as a mug — or chromo — or pie-face. Mary (both coming to table, one on either side). Who is he and what is he? Dennis (mimicking her). "Who is he and what is he?" Divilish well you know icho he is and 7vJiat he is. Mary. Faith 'n I don't, Dinnie. Dennis. Faith 'n you do, Mary Ann. But you're so div- ilish contrary you w'u'dn't admit it. Mary. 'Deed, an' I'm not contrary. 'Tis you that's con- trary. Dennis. Since whin am I contrary? Mary. Always. Always, Dinnie. You wouldn't be nat- ural if you wasn't. You wouldn't be Irish. (Dennis gizrs her a hard look, ponts a little and seems lost for luords.) But you haven't answered the question I axed you. Dennis. What question? AN IRISH STEW 7 Mary. Who is he? Dennis. What difference does it make, so long as you've taken such a disUke to him ? Mary. I want to know, so long as you say he must hang there. Suppose somebody axes me who he is, what am I to tell thim? Dennis. Tell 'em it's none of their infernal business ! Mary. Arrah, Dinnie. Maybe you would, but I wouldn't. Dennis. Tell 'em it's Brian Boru. Mary. Arrah, who is that, Dinnie? Dennis (in disgust). "Arrah, who's that, Dinnie?" Just as if you didn't know! Mary. 'Deed, 'n I don't. Dennis. 'Deed 'n you do, but you don't want to admit it. Brian Boru was the greatest king Ireland iver had. Mary. I never knew that Ireland had a king. Dennis (again repeating in disgust). *'I never knew that Ireland had a king!" Mary Ann, I'm ashamed of you. I'm ashamed of you because you act like you were ashamed you're Irish. No country iver had as great a king as Ire- land had. And no country iver had the makin's of as great kings as Ireland has. The only rea-son why she hasn't a king of her own right now is because it would be a divil- ish hard matter to decide among thimselves just who would be king. They all would want to be. Mary. But you haven't told me yet what I want to know the most. Who is y'r friend on the wall? I ax you for the last time. Dennis. The new president of the bricklayers' associ- ation. (Tunis and casts an admiring glance up at tlie pic- ture.) Another Irishman smart enough to be a king. Mary. I thought, Dinnie, you were slated for that office. Dennis. So I was, but — (turns and looks at her). Mary. But what? Dennis. He got the most votes. ^ Mary. Why was that, Dinnie? Dennis. Ax Lahey, whin he comes. 8 AN IRISH STEW Mary. Thin why should you hang his picture on your own wall if he kept you out of office? Dennis. Because I always believe in forgettin' politics after election. I'm for the choice of the majority no mat- ter what party elected him. I'm been votin' for a Dimo- crat for president of these great United States iver since I sot foot in America, and seldom has me man won ; but that has niver affected me loyalty. I'm for the president, first, last and always. Where's Mary Ann? Mary. What are you sayin', Dinnie? Dennis. I axed you, where's Mary Ann? Mary. Don't be callin' your darlin' daughter such names ! Her name ain't Mary Ann. Dennis. Since whin? Mary (imitatirely). ''Since whin!" Now, who is it that's contrary? Dennis. Mary Ann was the name I gev her at her christenin'. I had her "named after you. 'Twas good enough for you, and why ain't it good enough for her? Mary. Don't be foolish, Dinnie. Mary Ann is all right for an ould woman like me, but not for a young girl steppin' out in society. Call her Marian. Dennis. There you go, with your high-falutin' notions! (With mockery.) Marian! Marian Hogan! Faith, she'd be a long time in Ireland before they'd call her Marian. Mary. But we're not in Ireland now, Dinnie. Dennis. W'hat difference does it make where we are? A name is a name! What the Dutch call limburger would smell as bad by any other name. I tell you, her name is Mary Ann, and Mary Ann she'll be called, if I have any- thing to say in this house ! Mary. You can't be too severe with the childer. Com- mon Bible names like yours and mine ain't in style nowa- days. Other people's childer have classic names like the heroes and heroines in fiction, and it's no more than right that our childer kape pace with the times. You'll insist on callin' y'r son Donald "Dinnie," just like as if you was talkin' to y'rself. (Dennis sJwa's annoyance.) An' it AN IRISH STEW 9 makes him so mad that he's thinkin' of puttin' the letter '*A" in front of Donald, makin' his name A. Donald Hogan. Dennis (suddenly). What you say? Mary (chuckling). You heard what I said. Dennis (contemptuously). "A. Donald Hogan!" Let me catch him puUin' any of that high-brow stuff around here and I'll clip his wings for him. ''Marian Hogan!" What the divil is to become of us? Ah, it's all your fault, bringin' up a son and a daughter to be ashamed of their own father and mother. Whin a mother has no jurisdic- tion over such childer, it's high time the father took hould and brought the whole pack of yez back to where ye be- long. "A. Donald." (Scozvling.) "Marian." Where is she, I axed you ? Mary. Who? Marian? Dennis. No, Mary Ann. (Mary makes no reply.) Why don't you answer me? Mary. I know of no Mary Ann other than meself. Dennis. Now who's contrary? Mary. Dinnie, I ain't contrary. I only want me way. (He looks critically at her.) An' what I want, Dinnie, I gin'rally get! (Looks at him sternly.) Dennis. Of course you do. To kape peace in the family one or the other of us must give in. And you're not the one. H you insist on me calhn' our daughter Mary Ann "Marian," for the sake of society, then tell me. Where is she? Mary. Who ? Dennis. Faith, but y're headstrong! Marian! Marian, if that's sweeter music to y'r ears! Mary. She went to the matinee ; to the opera. Dennis. I thought as much. With the frog-eater, I suppose? Mary. Mr. Marcel is no frog-eater. He says he doesn't care for them. Dennis. Like the rest of yc, he's ashamed of his ances- tors. Mary. I wouldn't say that, Dinnie. You mustn't be 10 AN IRISH STEW givin' y'r tongue a bad habit. Mr. Marcel comes from dacent people. Dennis. How do you know what he came from? Mary. I'm only takin' his word for it. Dennis. That's good proof. If his father was a horse- thief or a highway robber, the first thing he'd do, I sup- pose, is to run to you and say : "Mrs. Hogan, me father was a horse-thief and a highway robber, but that makes me a gentleman of Frince. I want to marry y'r daughter." Don't believe what anyone says about themsilves. Mary. I took y'r word for what you was. I didn't know you from Adam, but that didn't kape you from boostin' y'rself to the skies. An' I found out to me sor- row that all you said about y'rself was far from bein' gos- pel. Dennis. That's why I'm tellin' you not to believe every- thing people say about thimselves. This Frinch barber that's kapin' company with our Mary Ann — I beg pardon. "Marian" (sarcastically) — claims to be a nobleman. Why, he ain't even a good barber. I tell you, I don't like his looks. Mary. Well, Marian does, so why should we interfere? She's the one who has to cook him the frog-legs if, as you say, he's lyin' about himself. Dennis. Ah, Mary Ann, y're losin' what little sense you had whin I married you. Who wants a Frinchman for a son-in-law, whin there's plinty of fine Irish boys too good for her, who would marry her in a minute if she'd only ax one of 'em. Mary. In the first place, Dinnie, Marian ain't goin' to ax anyone to marry her. And in the second place, she'll never spoil anyone's life by marry in' him whin he's too good for her. It's a fine opinion you have of y'r only daughter. But you don't mane what you say. There ain't that man livin' this side of Jericho too good for my Marian. Dennis. She's as nuich mine as she is yours! Mary. You wouldn't think so, to hear you talk. (Walks away from him.) AN IRISH STEW 11 Dennis. Arrah, y're too sinsitive, Mary Ann. I'm as crazy about her as you are. Tm only talkin' to hear meself . Where's Dinnie, Junior? Why ain't he home by now? Mary. There's no Dinnie Junior in this family. You will insist on callin' Donald Dinnie Junior. Dennis (disgusted). Well, if that wouldn't sour y'r molasses ! No Dinnie Junior in this family ! Well, well, well! Is there an A. Donald Hogan residin' here in this house? (Sarcastically.) Mary. There is. Dennis. Is the gentleman expected home this avenin' ? Mary. As soon as the football game is over, him and his finance are to mate Marian and her finance here. After that they're all goin' to a masquerade. Dennis. The divil take him an' futtball! (Grabs up picture of football star and fires it across the room. Mary looks darkly but does not move to pick it up.) Since whin has he been dabblin' in finance? Lena Schmidt, I suppose? Mary. No, Dinnie. Not Lena, Leonore. Dennis. Ah, it's crazy y're gettin' in y'r ould age, you an' y'r codfish aristocracy. "Leonore !" Have you any money ? Mary. Faith I haven't, Dinnie. Dennis. Of coorse you haven't. How could you? (Sizing up the room.) You spind it as fast as it comes in, with y'r piannies an' y'r Broosel carpets an' y'r mahogany furniture and y'r books an' fancy bookcases. Sure, y'd think it was the parlor of an Astorbilt, the way you put on airs ! You didn't used to be that way — only since y'r childer began runnin' the house. Mary. What money I have I must pay on a phonygraft that's liable to be here any minute. Dennis. A phonygraft ! (Studying her.) Who ordered it? Mary. I did, Dinnie. Dennis. What for? Mary. F'r the young folks to dance by. Dennis. What's the matter with the pianny? 12 AN IRISH STEW Mary. There's no one to play it. Dennis. What's the matter with Mary (correcting him- self) — Marian? Since whin has she forgot to play, after all the money I've spint on her pianny lessons? Mary. Ah, Dinnie, but she can't play an' dance at the same time. (Voices and laughter are heard off stage through C. D.) Dennis. There she is for you, now ; an' the frog-eater. I kin tell by his foolish laugh. Marian Hogan enters C. D., all excitement, followed by Gaston Marcel, more excited than she. Marion. Oh, ma-maa (accent on second syllable), the opera was just exquisite ! (Rushes up to Mary, follozved by Gaston. Dennis starts to exit R., but stops and looks on in disgust as Gaston enthuses.) Gastpn. Grand ! Beautee-f ool ! Ze grand opairah, Mad- ame Hogaan. You should see zee ladee ! Beautee-f ool ! Ze costume ! More beautee-fool ! An' ze moozeek ! Ungh ! (A nasal exclamation accompanied tvith a kiss throzam by fingers from lips at thought of music.) Wondeer-fool, ze moozeek. Dennis. Ah, me eye! (Close to R. D. as he is abotit to exit. ) Gaston (advancing part zvay tozcard Dennis). Poo- poo for you ! Dennis. If you poo-poo me I'll poo-poo you! (Exit R. D.) Marian (rushing tozmrd same exit). Pa-paa ! (Looks angrily after him.) Gaston. Ah ! You know ze meaning of poo-poo ? Marian (to Gaston, as she conies back tozvard Mary). Pa-paa in English means father. Gaston. A-ha. In ze French, poo-poo means heem, ze fazzir, also. Ze pa-paa ees one poo-poo. Mary. Pay no attention to me husband, Mr. Marcel. He's only havin' some fun with yez. Marian. No, Gaston. Pa-paa is not responsible for what he says and does sometimes. AN IRISH STEW 13 Gaston. In Paree, zat one eensiilt — zen ze challenge ! Ze pa-paa zen must fight ze duel ! Mary. No, no, no. Mr. Marcel. My Dinnie'd never do ihat. No duel for my Dinnic. Marian. You don't understand, ma-maa. Gaston say^ that if such an insult were flung at him in Paree, pa-paa would have to fight him a duel. Mary. It's luck we're here where we are. Somebody would surely get kilt. Gaston {hozving low to the tzvo zvomcn). Madame an' ze Mademoiselle, I beg ze pardohn. Ze pa-paa he poo- pood me, an' for zat I leave zis house veree queek. (Goes to C. D. and starts to bow out.) Dennis enters R. D. Dennis (entering). Is he gone? (Laughs.) Gaston (at C. D.). Bah! (Exit C. D.) Dennis (going to C. D.). So long, Frinchy ! {Turns to front and sees Marian zvith head cuddled in Mary's arms, as if crying.) What's the matter with you? (Marian makes no response.) Mary Ann! I'm talkin' to you. (She does not lift her head.) Mary. Call her by her proper name, Dinnie, and she'll answer you. Dennis. I'm talkin' to you, Marian. Marian. Yes, pa-paa? Dennis. Come over here to me! (Marian straightens up and begins to dry eyes zvith handkerchief.) Come here, I say. (Mary starts to protest.) Mary. Don't be cross with her, Dinnie. Dennis (to Mary). Leave 'er to me. There's some- thin' burnin' in the kitchen, Mary Ann. Go see what it is. (Mary hurriedly exits R.) Come over here, darlin' ! (Ma- rian comes closer and stands in awkward position.) Straighten up and look at me! (She does so.) Shmile, why don't you? (Marian smiles just a little.) Am I the cause of y'r tears? Marian. You've insulted him. He's gone, and he'll 14 AN IRISH STiaV never come back. (Lifts Jiaiidkcrchicf to eyes and feigns more tears.) Dennis. Don't fool y'rself. Vou'U never get rid of that fellow that 'asy. Marian {facing her father). I don't want to get rid of him. Why should I ? He promised some day to take me to Paree and introduce me into society. His people are the very first families of France. He is to take me there on our honeymoon. Dennis. Whin he sells out his barber shop, I suppose. Marjax. There you go, casting reflections upon him because he tries to make an honest living. Dennis. Ah, but, Marian, he ain't makin' an honest livin'. He charges twinty-five cints fur a shave and a hair- cut, and it ain't worth it. I kin shave meself and Mary Ann can cut me hair a dom sight better than he kin, and I'm a quarter ahead. I tell you. me little girl, none of those fortune-hunting foreigners are worth a tinker's hoot. If he was from the nobility of France he wouldn't have to be a barber. I tell you, it's best for you to have nothin' at all to do with him. I don't like him and he don't like me. An' between the two of us there's divilish little love ^*^^^- Mary enters R. Mary. I found nothin' burnin', Dinnie. Dennis {to Marian). There's plinty of y'r own kind here at home that ye kin marry without throwin' y'rself away on a Frinch frog-eater. Marian {as Mary steps forward to listen). In America there should be no race distinctions. A Frenchman is as much to be considered as an Irishman, if he swears alleg- iance to our flag, and that's what he intends doing. Dennis. There's a wdiole lot that swear allegiance to the Stars and Stripes who don't mean one word of what they're sayin'. Mary. Dinnie ! Marian. But you'll find that they are not French. The French have been the truest friends America ever had. AX IRISH STEW 15 Dennis. Oh, yis. The Frinch government has been America's friend. But— Mary. Dinnie. I'm spakin' to yuu. Dennis, A\'hat i> it. Mary .\nn? ]\Iak\'. J found nothin' burnin'. Dennjs. \\'hy didn't }-ou look in the stove? (Marian langJis.) i^IAR^'. Go on out of that. I've a notion to sUim you with the broad of me hand, so \ have. {Comes fozvard h'nii as sounds of z'oiccs arc heard.) Here":- Donakk now. ]\iARJAN. And Gaston, too. Now, ])a-])aa. (k) l)ehave yourself. Dennis. Did;Tt I tell you you couldn't shake him? Enter Donald with Gaston on one arm, protesting, and Leonore on the other. Gaston Jiurrics io Marian, Leonore to Mar\ and Donald to his father. Donald. I tell you. dad. I saw the swellest football game. You ought to see the way Bill Splivins went through that bunch of yokels I {Sees picture on -zcalL) Who tlr' deuce is that gink ? Dennis. He's no gink. I'll have you to understan'. Donald {turning to his father). What became of Bill Splivins? Dennis. Who? The baboon that was in the frame? Donald. Don't you call him a baboon. Dennis. Be careful what you say to \'r father! (Mary and Leonore c.vit into kitchen, R., and Marian, followed. by Gaston, goes to piano. Marjan sits on bench and Gaston leans on piano, talking to her and occasionally casting angry glances tozcard Dennjs.) Donald. Gee. dad. that was the picture of the greatest football star in America I Dennis. An' that's the picture of the greates' friend that labor has in the whole world! (AIarian plays piano softly while she and Gaston arc conversing seriously.) Donald (spying picture of Splivins across the room, gets up and goes after it). That's no way to treat a real guy, 16 AN IRISH STEW (lad ! {Comes back, zviping picture on sleeve of his szveater.) If you saw the way he went through that bunch of rough- necks today for five different touchdowns, you'd have gone crazy. I tell you, he's the greatest star this burg ever turned out ! He'll make the All- Americans as sure as shooting. And to think his place in our hall of fame has been usurped bv a mutt like that! {Gazes at picture on imll.) Dennis. Well thin, that mutt, or gink, or whatever you want to call him, is goin' to stay right where he is on that wall there forninst you. Who is Bill SpHvins? Son of ould man Splivins? {Strains of the Flozver Song come faintly from the piano.) Donald. I suppose so. What old man Splivins do you mean ? Dennis. Ould hair-lip Jeremiah. Donald. Aw gosh, no, dad. He's a harp. Dennis. A zvhat? Donald. A turkey. Dennis. Who's a turkey? Donald. Jeremiah Splivins. Dennis. What do you mane by a turkey? Donald. An Irishman. . Dennis. An' that's a disgrace, is it? Donald. No, not if you're not all the time bragging about it. Bill Splivins is an American, born in this country. Dennis. So were you born in this country, and what does that make you? Donald. An American, dad, ev'ry inch of me. Dennis. Me lad, I'm proud of you. Proud to hear you talk like that. I'm an American, but I'm an American by choice. You're only one by chance. What ticket are you goin' to vote nixt fall whin you come of age? Donald. The Republican, dad. Dennis {scratching his head). It's 'asy seein' y'r mother had the handlin' of you. Dinnie Hogan, Junior — AN IRISH STEW 17 Donald. Have a heart, dad. Have a heart. Here's my name. (Hands him a card.) Dennis {takes card, reads it and tears it up as he looks up at his son). A. Donald Hogan, son of Dinnie Hogan, goin* to marry Lena Schmidt an' vote the RepubHcan ticket when he comes of age. What the divil is gittia' into ye young rebels? Donald. But you see, dad, I hold a responsible position. I must Americanize myself, and above all, I must affiliate with a political party that represents big interests. T can't line up with a bunch of dead ones. Dennis. A. Donald Hogan, son of — What's that last remark ? Donald. The president of the bank I'm working for would have nothing to do with me if I were a Democrat Dennis. Since whin have you been workin' for a bank? Donald. This morning. Dennis. An' you laid off this afternoon to go to a futt- ball game. (Studies Jiiiu suspiciously.) What are you, the cashier? Donald. Oh, no, not yet. Wait until I'm there a couple of weeks. Dennis. You'll have the president's job by then, and maybe you can vote to suit y'rself. I tell you. the boys of this generation has it forty ways on their fathers. Donald. We know it, dad, but we're not bragging about it. Dennis. Oh, yis. It would take a mighty brainy man to make a boy these times. Donald. Right you are, dad. Dennis. George Washington, if he was livin' today, wouldn't be half the hero y'r friend Bill Splivins is. Donald. I should say not. Dennis (fiercely). Go on out of that before 1 break me fist on y'r jaw. (Sivings back as if to strike Donald, then laughs.) How much money d' you git at the bank where y're workin'? 18 AN IRISH STEW Donald. Oh, I don't know yet. We haven't decided on just how much — Dennis. We ! You mean he. He hasn't decided. Well, if you were supportin' that fellow up there in that frame on the wall instead of Bill Splivins, y'r futtball hero, y'd dom quick know what you was gittin'. Leonore enters from R. and Mary ealls from off- stage, R. Mary. Dinnie, come here. Dennis. Yis, Mary Ann, in a minute. (To Donald.) Have you any money? (Leonore joins Marian and Gaston and all converse.) Donald. Not any more than I need myself. ( Lookhuj toK'ard piano.) We're all going to the masquerade, and I'll have to pay for everybody. 'Fhe Frenchman liasn't any money. Dennis. Ihin what is lie hangin' around y'r si.ster for? Does he think I'm a bloated bondholder, whin I haven't the ])rice to pay me dues in the lodge I belong to? Mary {off stage). Dinnie, do \()u hear me? Dennis. Yis, Mary Ann. I'm comin'. ( Starting toward exit, R. D., speaks to Donald.) Kape y'r eye on the frog- eater. Gaston {overhearing last remark). Poo-poo for you. Dennis. Poo-poo for vou. vou blatherskite! {Exit R. Donald ( unmindfnl of Gaston's e.veitedness). Sing something, Leonore. Leonore. Oh, I can't sing, Donald. You do the enter- taining. Gaston. Let Mademoiselle Marian seeng someteeng a- la-Francais. Vot ze name — "Oo — la — la — " Zat's funnee song. Seeng, Mademoiselle. Donald {jeeringly). Ah, that song's a dead one! Gaston {pu::;::;led). Dead one? What you mean, dead one? AN IRISH STEW 19 (Marian starts playing a lirelv niniihcr. D(riVALD catches Leonorf. iiiid tJicy start daiiring.) Maui AN (lo (/astox). Wait until wc get our phono- graph. Then we all can dance. (Here specialties can be introduced if desired. At their conclusion, the doorbell rings.) Donald. You answer, Marian. I must get out of this sweater into my glad rags if we go to that masquerade tonight. {Exit L. D.) Marian, jumping up from bench, goes to C. D. and ad- mits Patrick Lahey. Marian. Good-evening, Mr. Lahey. Pat {bowing rigJit and left). Good-avenin', everybody. {Addressing Marian.) Is y'r father home? Marian. Oh, yes. Have a seat. I'll call him. {Starts to exit R.) Pat. I'm in no hurry. Finish what you were playin'. I'm stuck on music but the only kind we ever hear at our house is the ould w^oman's washboard. {All langh, Gaston the loudest.) Marian. First let me introduce you. Mr. Lahey, meet Mr. Marcel, my fiance. (They boiv, Gaston the lozver.) Leonore — where are you, Leonore? (Leonore, zvho Jias strolled across L., returns.) Meet Mr. Lahey, Miss Schmidt. (BotJi bozv.) Miss Schmidt is my brother Donald's fiancee. Pat. It's a league of nations ye must be formin' in this house. (All laugh again, Gaston much louder. Pat casts a vicious look at Gaston and it is evident that neither has been impressed with the other.) Play somethin', I axed you, Miss Marian. (Gaston engages Leonore /;/ conversation apparently about Pat.) Marian. I'm not much of a player, Mr. Lahey. Pat. From what y'r father says, you must be a great player. You tuck enough of lessons to play anything. Marian. I'm sure I don't just know what to play to please you most. 20 AN IRISH STEW Pat. Ah, "The Irish Washerwoman" or "Miss Mc- riniKl's Reel" suits me all right. AIakiax (soiiirh'Iiiil abashed). I'm sorry, Mr. Lahey, but 1 haveu'l the music for them. Pat. You don't need it. Anybody who plays anything, esi>ecially if they got a drop of Irish blood in thim that they're not ashamed of, could play either of 'em with their eyes shut. Marian (springing up from piano). That's an uncalled for remark. Gaston (stepping quickly to ^Iarian's side). Wat ees it. Mademoiselle? Ze zhenteelman say something you no like? {Turns and glares at Pat.) Marian. Don't excite yourself, Gaston. (Turns and again sits at piano.) Gaston. Ah, Mademoiselle Hoogaahn, play for me ze grand Marseillaise. {TJirozvs kiss to express extreme de- light, as AIarian starts playing the Marseillaise. He sings some of the words in his nasal accent, somewhat out of tune for comedy effect. Leonore crosses from the piano and sits close to Pat, more to be polite than agreeable, for it is evident that Pat has queered himself with the three.) Pat (leaning tozvard Leonore and talking in an under- tone). How does that tune strike y'r fancy? Leonore. I love it, Mr. Lahey. Pat. But you love the Wacht Am Rhine lots better. Leonore. By that remark you wish to insinuate that I am German? Pat. No insinuation. A mere statement of facts. Leonore. You are mistaken. I admit I'm of German extraction. But in America there is an amalgamation of races — no such distinction as French, German, Italian, Nor- wegian or Irish, or any other race. Wg who have adopted this country as our own. and we who have been born here, should be classed only as Americans. The sooner the rising generation takes a firm stand and gives the world to under- stand that Americans are for America only — that we recog- AN IRISH STEW 21 nize no fatherlands or motherlands — the better it will be for all concerned. Dennis Hogan enters from R. in time to hear the last declaration. Marian stops playing. Gaston turns from piano, a little nervous, and eyes Dennis as he advances tozvard Pat and Leonore. Dennis (to Pat). Put that in y'r pipe and smoke it! Donald enters, dressed for the street, from L. Dennis (to Leonore). More power to you. Give me y'r hand. From now on, I'll call you Leonore, not Lena. (They shake.) Donald. Here, dad, cut that out. Dennis. Never you mind. Lave Lena to — I beg y'r pardon! Leonore, I should say. (Leonore laughs for- givingly and Donald approaches smilingly. Marian and Gaston assist each other, preparing to go.) I was goin' to say, lave Leonore to me. (Giving Donald a nudge and a wink.) But I don't suppose y'd want to do that. (Leonore and Donald laugh heartily.) Donald (laughing). Ah, there's no harm in you, dad. Dennis (seriously). Don't be so sure about that. (Mar- ian, Gaston, Donald and Leonore start toivard C. D.) Aren't ye all early for the masquerade? Leonore. They're all coming down to my house for tea. (Exit the four, Gaston last, glaring at Dennis.) Dennis (as they go). All of yez have a good time. (To Gaston.) None of y'r poo-pooin', you pollywog! Have a good time, childer. (They call hack similar good wishes.) You, too, Leonore. Leonore (calling hack). Wait till you and I get alone sometime, Mr. Hogan. Dennis (calling after her). We'll show 'em all, so we will. (Waves good-night, then cogues dozvn and addresses Pat.) That's a fine girl, that Lena Schmidt. Pat. Ah, she's Dutch. Dennis. Will you ever git that stuff out of y'r system? You heard what she said to you, didn't you? It's true, 22 AN IRISH STEW every word of it. The sooner the foreign element in this country who have sworn allegiance to the Stars and Stripes forgets that there is any other country on the map of the world closer to the heart than this grand and glorious United States, the sooner Europe will find out that our business is nobody else's but our own, and that for the future, it will be best for her to keep her nose out of our affairs. Of course, I'd like to see Ireland get her freedom. Pat {pulling out a short clay pipe and lighting it zvith- out permission). It's a wonder y'd admit it. Dennis. Lahey, there's no use talkin' but y're thick. Pat. Maybe I am, but if I had the education you have, an' flow of speech, you can bet y'r bottom dollar I'd been president of the bricklayers' union in place of that fellow up there. (Eyeing picture frame.) Dennis. Say no more about the president of the brick- layers. Are you goin' to the meetin' tonight? Pat. I am. Are you? Dennis. I'm not. Pat. Why not? Mar^' enters from R. and stands listening. Dennis. I haven't the price of me dues. What small change I had I spint runnin' for office. Have you any money ? Pat. What I have I need meself to pay me own dues. Dennis. I thought as much. That's the cry of every- body. I could get it from Mary Ann, but she's ordered a phonygraft. Mary {surprising him). The phonygraft can wait, Din- nie. Here, take this and go pay y'r dues and kape up y'r reputation in the union. (Hands him some bills.) Dennis. I'll do nothin' of the kind. The phonygraft sha'n't wait. That's y'r Christmas present to the childer. and the childer is more to us than any organization. (Med- itates.) If that divil of a tightwad, Tim Toolin. would pay me that two hundred he owes me, I wouldn't have to ax anybody for money. Pat. Fat chance you have of gettin' money from Toolin. AN IRISH STEW 23 Mary. He's owed us that money fur the last tin years, ever since he buried his uncle. Dennis. Think of borrowin' money to bury an uncle who left him an estate worth fifty thousand dollars. Pat. Why haven't you axed him fur it? Dennis. I have axed him fur it — axed him till me throat was raw. Mary. An' so have I axed him fur it. Dennis. I've axed him as often as tin times a day for wan whole year, but it did no good. I suppose if I should die and INIary Ann, here, should go to him weepin' an' mournin' an' ax him to do unto others as he had been done by, why then — Pat (ivith a start). I have an idea! Dennis. You have, have you? Y're in the habit of havin' ideas. That's what you said you had whin you placed my name in nomination against him {pointing to pic- ture). You kept bobbin' up in the convention every five minutes whin you knew you was out of order, until the chairman, in order to git rid of you, gave you the floor. That was y'r very first remark — *T've got an idea." That was the very first remark that caused the whole conven- tion to holler 'Throw him out." An' y'r nixt sintence was : *T nominate Dinnie Hogan for prisident." That was as far as you got. Pat {lucditativcly). I wonder who the other fellow was who voted for you beside meself. (Mary laughs heartily.) Dennis (disgustedly). You do, do you? It's informa- tion y're lookin' for. Come on! \\niat's your new idea? Pat (profoundly). Why don't you die? Mary (zvith a start). Pat! \A'hat are you sayin'? Dennis. Never mind him, Mary Ann. He's more to be ])itied than censured. Pat. T don't mean what you mean. ( Explains patiently to Mary.) Let Dinnie only pretind he's dead. Lay him out on that sofa, there, and cover him up with a sheet, an' we'll hould a wake. I'll go out and spread the news that 24 AN TRTSH STEW Dinnie Hogan met with an accident and died a few minutes after. Tim Toolin is a great hand to attend wakes. Dennis. I've heard it said that lie'd steal the pennies off of a dead man's eyes. 1 suppose that's how he gits his reputation. Pat (unmindful of the last remark). Whin he comes to pay his respects to the dead, Mary Ann here* can put up a poor mouth, an' Toolin, perhaps, will fall for the guff. Mary. Perhaps ! Dennis (to Pat). That's the best idea y've struck since I've known you. He used to have a crush on Mary Ann back home in Ireland. Didn't he, Mary Ann? Mary. Faith, I could've had him any time I wanted him. But I didn't want him. Dennis. Not after you saw me. Mary. Ah, thin you hate y'rself, don't you, Dinnie? (They exchange affectionate glances.) Pat. Come. If you're goin' to die, die and be done with it. You haven't any time for that mush stuff. Dennis (turning to Pat). It won't do to tell too many I'm dead. Just tell Toolin and one or two others, and tell thim to tell nobody else. Pat. Lave it to me who to tell. I'm doin' the tellin\ (Starting tozvard C. D.) Dennis. Hould on a minute. What sort of an accident have I met with? Let's all understand one another. Mary. Tell 'em that Dinnie fell from a chair and bumped his poor head on the side of it. Dennis. That's the story to tell 'em, Lahey. Be off with yez. (Pat exits.) (To Mary.) Git the sheet, Mary Ann, and — Wait a minute. Git some of that red stuff that Marian plasters her Hps with. (Rushes to C. D. and calls after Pat.) Wait a minute, Pat! (Mary exits, L., and Pat returns.) Whisper. Don't forgit to tell Widow O'Flaherty. I want to have some fun with Mary Ann. (Pat laughs and nods, as he exits.) Be quick, Mary Ann. Lahey hasn't far to go. Mary enters L. zvith sheet and stick of rouge. AN IRISH STEW 25 Mary. I've been thinkin'. You didn't tell Lahey to tell 'em what you were doin' on the chair that would make you fall off. Dennis. What dift'erence does it make what I was doin' on the chair, just so long as I fell from it and kilt meself ? Lahey don't need to know the particulars. {She stands waiting.) You can tell 'em I was straightenin' his picture. That will sound plausible. Mary. What do you want me to do with this red stuff? Dennis. Paint a deep gash across me forr'ed. (She starts marking the cut.) Make it look natural. Mary {laughing). Ah, Dinnie, I hate to do this. Dennis. Cut out the funny stuff. {She laughs again as she finishes and drazvs azvay.) Fetch me the lookin' glass an' let me see meself as others will see me ! {She hurries and brings hand mirror from L.) You did a good job of it, so you did. I'd swear I was a fit subject for the hos- pital. {Turns and looks at her, as if pleased by her clev- erness.) {Voices are heard in the halhvay.) Mary. Hurry! On to the sofa with you. (Dennis hastily stretches out.) Lay straight on the broad of y'r back and fold y'r arms. {He complies.) It's azy seein' that you was never dead before. {She starts laughing.) Dennis. W' hisht, Mary Ann ! {She spreads sJieet over him.) Stop y'r laughin'! This is no laughin' matter. Mary. Ah, Dinnie, it's a sin to do this. Shure 'n' it's cryin' I should be in place of laughin', you look so natural. Lay still, I tell you. Voices drazv closer and Mary sits quickly beside sofa, boived in sudden display of grief, as Marian, ayid then Gaston, enter, both looking on floor as if they had lost something. Mary pokes Dennis and commands him to ''lay still" in a subdued whisper. Dennis {lifting cover from face and zvhispering back to her). Y're smotherin' me. (Marian and Gaston start at sound of zvhisper and look at each other, then look back on the floor.) 26 AN IRISFi STEW Marian (pointing to a glove on the floor.) Ah, there it is, Ga.ston! Gasiun {picks up glove with a sivecping hozv). Per- meet me, Mademoiselle Mareean. {Holds up glove, as Ma- rian sees her mother iveeping beside tlie sofa.) Marian (rushing to Jier motJier, and followed by Gas- ton). What has happened, ma-maa? (Mary shakes head as it rests in Jier hands and moans aloud. IMarian shakes Jier mother, then sJirieks as she sees the body on the sofa.) What's happened, I ask you? Gaston (excited). Tell ze Mademoiselle what has hap- pened. Mary (uncovering Jier face and looking sadly at Marian, but giving Jier a very big zvink.) Y'r poor father is dead. Gaston (starting for C. D.). Dead? Marian (pretending to weep). What happened to pa-paa ? Mary. Fell from that chair there whin he was straight- enin' that picture, an' hit his poor head on the side of it. Look, how it battered his poor f orr'ed ! (SJie uncovers the face. Dennis lies with a set expression, as if dead. Gas- ton tiptoes back and takes a slanting look at the face of his enemy.) Take Mr. Marcel into the back parlor and tell him how it all happened. I can't. (She zcinks again and wJiispers to Marian.) ]\Iarian (pretending to zveep zvhile Mary leads Jier to- ward R. D., foUozved closely by Gaston, zvJio keeps looking hack at tJie sofa and stumbles over a rug). Oh, ma-maa, this is simply awful ! I don't know how I will ever be able to bear it ! (Exit R. D., follozved by Gaston. Mary returns to seat beside tJie sofa.) Dennis (uncovering Jiis face). Quit y'r foolishness, Mary Ann. It's a dom shame to have such carryinor on as this and breakin' that poor little girl's heart. Mary. Indeed it is, Dinnie. Sure the Frinchman feels almost as bad as she does. ( Loud laugJi of Gaston off 'stage startles tJiem both.) Dennis (rising on one clbozv and looking tozvard R. D.). AN JRISH STEW 27 Y're right — almost! (Sounds of someone entering from hall outside CD.) Mary. Lay back and hide y'r face. wiH you? An' kape it hid. (Dennis fiops baek and eovers it p.) Donald, pale and e.veited, enters C. D., follo-u'ed bv Leon ORE zvlio is also agitated. Donald {rusJiing to his mother, who reeeives him). Mother! {lie faints.) Marian and Ga.ston re-enter from R. D. Donald is caught and Jield by his mother. Leonore. Call a doctor. Gaston {rusJiing tozcard C. D.). 1 weell get ze doctaire. Mary. Come back here. Never mind the doctor. (Mar- ian haz'ing rushed out R. D., returns "a'ith a glass of zvater and dashes some in Donald's face.) That's all he needs, somethin' to bring him to. (Donald sho-ws life.) It's a shame, me poor boy, to give you such a shock. Leonore (very much excited). When and how did the accident ha])pen ? We just heard of it as we were return- ing for Marian and Afr. Marcel. Mary. He couldn't kape his hands off that picture. It seems to have him hy|)n()tized. Tie was up on that chair and slipped and struck his ]:)oor head on the side of it. Donald ( rerires and blinks as Mary ajid Leonorl stroke Jiis forehead). Where am I? Mary. Right here in y'r mother's arms where y're al- ways welcome. (Szveetly.) Y're right here with Leonore, too. (Marian and Gaston go to piano, she sitting on stool with back to keyboard and looking up at Gaston.) Donald ( completely rez'ived, slips his arms around Mary and Leonore). How did it happen, mother? Mary {wearily^ at being required to repeat). He was up there on that chair straighten' out that ould chromo. {The form stirs on the couch.) Donald. I thought as much. He might have known the moment he took Bill Splivins out of that frame that 28 AN IRISH STEW something would happen. (Tunis and looks at sofa.) Gee, dad, this is tough. [Lifts handkerchief to his eyes; then, casting a sad look torcvard the sofa.) Is he marked much, mother ? Mary. Take a look at him, why don't you ? Donald (turning away in grief). You look at him, Leo- nore. I can't. (Mary instantly catches her son and they whisper as Leonore goes to the sofa and timidly lifts back the sheet, exposing the face. SJie shudders and steps azvay, bows her head and mourns silently.) Has the coroner been notified? Mary. Not unless Lahey has done it. Gaston. I weel go for ze corronaire. Donald. No, you go to your barber shop and bring your shaving outfit. Dad must have a shave. (TJie sheet stirs a' little.) He must look his best when his friends see him for the last time. (Gaston hurries for the door.) You might as well order flowers while you're about it. Marian (hurrying after Gaston). Wait for me. I shall look after the flowers. I know more what he likes best. (Exit Marian and Gaston. C. D.) See if you can locate an anchor. {Calling after him.) If you can, have it made out of shamrocks. Gaston (coming back and sticking head in C. D.). Zat es not nice for ze pa-paa. Zat look too much like ze peek- ax. (Exit.) Donald (to his mother). I wonder if he made his will. And if he did, did he leave anything to us, or did he leave it all to that gink of a president of the brickthrowcrs' union. (The sheet stirs and one eye peeks out from un- der it.) Leonore (still unaware of the burlesque). I'm begin- ning to hate you, Donald Hogan. Your conduct is simply disgusting. You seem to be rejoicing at your father's death when you should mourn. (Turns from him. Donald shakes with laughter.) It's nothing to laugh at. (The sheet quivers. She sees it and clasps one hand to her face in fright as she shrinks into Donald's arms. She looks up at AX IRISH STEW 29 him and he whispers to her. She slozvly comprehends, and to carry the joke farther she joins in the burlesque.) Here! (Slips engagement ring from Jier finger and hands it to Donald.) Take this engagement ring of yours and wreck some other girl's life with it. I wouldn't marry a man who has no more respect for the dead than you have. (Starts for C. D.) Donald. Ah, come back, Leonore ! Come back or you'll break my heart. (Runs and catches her at doorzvay.) Dennis. Don't do anything of the kind ! (Starting to stick out his head, but covers up quickly as he sees theui returning.) Leonore. Did I hear someone? Donald. That was no human voice. It sounded like the bray of a jackass. (Softly.) Gee, kid, you mustn't flare up so quick. Wait till I get kind of used to dad's death. I can't get it into my system that he's dead. Wait till I come home here after banking hours and find him missin' ; then maybe I'll begin to realize. Leonore (turning to Mary). You are the one, Mrs. Hogan, who will miss him most. Mary (pretending to sob). Yes, it'll be lonesome with- out poor Dinnie. Leonore (to Donald). Suppose anything happened to me. Wouldn't you miss me, just a little bit? Donald. If anything happened to you, kid, that would be my finish. (He folds her in his arms and kisses her.) Leonore (upon being released, to Mary). You must break up this home when Marian and Mr. Marcel are mar- ried and come and live with Donald and me. Mary (zvitJi a great wink). Who knows but that some- one more lonesome than meself might come along to sort o' cheer me up a bit. (The sheet stirs violently.) Misery loves company, you know. Donald Cto Leonore as he slips his arm around her tvaist). I'd be satisfied to see mother married again. You couldn't expect her to live here all alone after Marian and I settle down in our own homes. She wouldn't want to 30 AX IRISH STEW live with either of us. I tell you, this daughter-in-law and son-in-law business isn't what it is cracked up to be. Come on, let us go and select a floral piece. This is no time any- how to talk about second marriages. { Starts -zi'/V/z Leo- NORE to C. D.) But there's one thin.^. mother, while we're on the subject. If you ever do marry again, get someone this time with monew (Donald a)id Leonore c.vit C. D.) Dennis {springing up and sitting on side of sofa), ^^is, Tim Toolin ! He's the man for you. Mary (paying )io attention to the slam ). 1 low d'you like bein' dead, Dinnie? Dennis. Ax me grandmother. (She looks ealnily at him.) Not one-half so well as you like bein' me widow. Mary. Arrah, Dinnie, can't you take a joke? Dennis. There's nothin' to joke about, stretched out here on the broad of me back on this hard ould sofy prc- tendin' I'm dead an' givin' you a fine chance to air y'r fickle fancies. There's many a truth said in a joke. Mary. Don't be foolish. Dinnie. Dennis {imitating). Don't be foolish, Mary Ann! Mary. Ain't I tellin' you 1 was only jokin'? Dennis. ^laybe you were, but 1 have mc doubts about it. (Steps to the table, pieks up mirror and again looks into it.) I need a shave, all right. But whate\er you do, don't let that divil of a frog-eater tooch a razor to me face. (Lays mirror doicji.) Yd be afeard he'd cut me throat. Mary (her sides shaking K'itJi laughter). ^ly, Dinnie, but y're a .-ightl I'm ashamed to look at you. Go on back to the sofa and cover up y'r face. Dennis. May the black fiend take that man Lahey and his idea! It's worth the tw^o hundred to put through what I've put through with. I'll bet two pins that Toolin won't come near us. Mary. What if he doesn't? Look at the fun we're havin'. (LaugJis again.) Dennis. We're havin'? Not zee — you. Mary. Go cover uj) y'r face, I'm tellin' y(ui. {Door AN IRISH STEW 31 slams outside.) Hurry! Someone's comin'. (He covers up all but /lis head.) Dennis. It's the childer with the flowers, I suppose. Why the divil did you let thim go to all that expense just to amuse you? Mary. No fear of thim comin' back. They're gone to the masquerade. Dennis. An' me lyin' dead here on the broad of me back ? Mary. Sure, I tould them all about the joke we was ])layin' on Toolin. They know everything. (Bell rings. She springs up.) There's Toolin for you. Lay back and kape y'r face still. (Goes to C. D.. pushes zvall button and steps just outside in liallzcay 7<'ith a very sad demeanor.) Good avenin', Mr. Toolin. Tim Toolin enters C. IK and folto-a's her into the room. Tim (as he enters). Good avenin', Mrs. Hogan. I'm very sorry for y'r troubles. Musha, how did it all happen, an' whin did it happen ? Mary (pretending to sob). It's almost impossible to re- late the truth of it. I was out there in the kitchen lookin' after the supper whin I heard a crash. I run in an' found him upon the floor there, beside that chair. He was up there straightenin' that picture on the w^all whin he shlipped, I suppose, and whin he came down his poor head must have struck on the side of the chair. There's a gash a futt long across his poor forr'ed. an' two feet deep, I believe. Ah, it's horrible. Tim. Too bad. (To himself as he turns and looks at sofa.) Too bad it didn't happen long ago. Mary. What's that you were sayin', Tim? Tim. I was sayin' that it's too bad that none of us have long to go. Mary. That's true for you. We'll all be goin' the same way before we know it. (Tim walks over to the couch and pulls back the sheet, zvithout bending.) Tim. My, but doesn't he look ugly. (The sheet at foot of bed stirs but Tim's back is turned.) 32 AN IRJSK STEW Mary. What's that you say ? Tim. I said, My, but doesn't he look lovely. Mary. Faith I don't agree with you. He needs a shave, and he should 've had on a dark suit of clothes, an' he should 've had a physician to dress the wound. Ah, I think he looks terrible. (Covers face zvith hands.) Tim. I suppose he left you in good circumstances? Mary. Not a pinny. He didn't leave the price to bury him. (Both come dozvn stage, close to each other.) Tim (very cold and indifferent). You made a mistake whin you didn't marry me when I axed you. Mary (dropping her head sadly). I suppose I did, Tim. Tim. I tould you y'd regret it. (Looks at her pityingly as she sobs.) No use cryin' over spilt milk. He made plenty of money but he was no hand to hang on to it. I tell you, Mrs. Hogan, a fool an' his money is 'azy parted. (Dennis lifts sheet from face and glares at them while their backs are turned.) I'm worth a lot of money, but I'd 'a' been worse off than he is, there now, if I hadn't hung on to it. Whin is the funeral to be? Mary. It's hard tellin'. Tim. Where is he to be buried? Mary. That's harder yet to tell. Tim. I'll report y'r case to the authorities. They'll dis- pose of the body someway. Maybe they'll turn him over to the clinic. Mary. Ah, Mr. Toolin, you wouldn't stand here and see a friend of yours turned over to the students to be operated upon for medicinal purposes, would you? Tim. He never was a friend of mine. (Showing a dis- position to go.) Of course, if there's anythin' I can do that will be obligin' you, I'm at y'r service. But as for him, the divil a thing at all would I do! (Dennis rises and rests on one elbow. He expresses a desire to jump from the sofa and pounce upon Tim.) Mary (motioning to Dennis to keep quiet). I always thought I could depind on you whiniver I was in trouble. But this is the first occasion I have had to call on any- AN IRISH STEW 33 body. And as you used to say, "Call on me, Mary Ann, if iver you need a frind," the thought occurred to me that if you hadn't come of y'r own free will I w^ould have sent one of the childer dow^n after you. Tim. Where are the childer? Mary. Gone to the masq — (sJie catches herself as Den- nis flops back, half afraid that she has made a mess of everything). Tim. What noise was that? Mary. The cat inside the kitchen there, has been watchin' for a mouse, all .the afternoon. Tim {turning and glancing hack at couch). It might have been a rat. Mary {z'ery nervous). No, I'm sure it was a mouse. Tim {going toward C. D.). Well, as I was sayin' to you, if there's anything I can do for you, don't be afraid to call on me. {Exit slozvly CD.) Dennis {throwing hack sheet and sticking out head, speaks in loud zvhisper). Ax him for the two hundred, why don't you? Mary. Ah, Dinnie, I haven't the heart. Dennis. Well, thin, if you haven't* I have. {Moves as if to get up.) Mary. Stay where you are ! {Hurries to C. D. and calls.) Oh, Tim! Come back and let me have a word with yez before yez go. (Dennis again straightens out and cov- ers up. Mary comes hack into room. Tim enters and advances toward her.) I was thinkin' that — perhaps — that — a — perhaps. Ah, I can't say what I want to say. Tim. Ah, I -know what it is without y'r sayin' it. But there'll be plenty of time for that after the funeral. This is no place to talk about such things. Mary. But really, Tim, poor Dinnie ought to have a decent burial. I couldn't think of lookin' at anybody else with the thought that me first husband was turned over to a clinic. If I had — a — about — let me see. If I had about two — (Dennis's face peeps from under sheet) about two — hundred — dollars, I might be able to kape — 34 AN IRISH STKW Tim. I guess I kin guess what y're drivin' at. You mane to remind me of the two hundred I still owe y'r hus- band. Of coorse I'm not deny in' that I owe him that much money. An' I'm not denyin' that he lat me have it at a time whin I naded it very badly. I fully intinded to give it back to him. But he was in too big a hurry for it. Of coorse, I was in a hurry whin I got it, an' whin you come to think of it, it was very kind in Dinnie to let me have it. 1 owe him the two hundred. (Reaches down in pocket and pulls out purse from which he takes roll of bills. Den- nis sits straigJit up and settles his eyes on the roll.) And it's no more than right that he should get it. (Starts to count off bills. Dennis gets excited.) Right wrongs nobody. I got it from him in a time like this, and to re- turn it under similar conditions would be a fitting climax. (He is about to hand tJie money to Mary.) But the advan- tage that people take of a woman in trouble whin she has the money to pay for it, is enough to put any man on his guard. The undertaker is a hould-up. So is everyone else that has anything to do with anyone in trouble. (Rolls money up again and puts it back in purse.) I think I'll go engage an undertaker meself — one who is a begin- ner in the business and won't charge you a small fortune. To tell the truth, I believe he will trust you for his services until you are ready to pay -it y'rself. (SJwi'es purse back in pocket and starts toward the door. Dennis has fallen back and cover cd his head.) I'll sind him up and let you make your own arrangements. (Exit CD.) Mary. He's gone, Dinnie — without lavin' me a cent. (Dennis does not move or answer.) Dinnie, I'm talkin' to you. (No response. She goes to him and shakes him.) Good heavens, the shock has kilt him! What shall I do? What shall I do? (Moans and ivrings hands. Bell sounds.) Wake up, Dinnie, I must answer the doorbell. (Hurries to door and presses button, then steps into hall. Dennis pulls back sheet from his face and his wife hurries back.) Thanks be to the Lord, y're alive. (Dennis just looks at her as she turns to meet the newcomer.) AN IRISH STEW 35 Pat enters, C. D, Pat {to Mary). Well? I see he was here. You got the two hundred, I suppose? Mary. No, Pat. Dennis {rising and sitting on sofa). You should have been here and heard the things he said about me whin he thought I was out of harm's reach. And to think I had to lie here on the broad of me back and listen to the dom miser boast about owin' me money. Had to listen to him make love to me wife here at me own funeral. And to think you were the cause of all this misery, you and y'r idea. Pat. You tould me y'rself you thought it a brilliant idea. Mary. And to think I had the money, almost in me hands ! Dennis. An' to think she let it git away from her! Pd half a notion to spring upon him from behind and take it away from him, but I wanted the satisfaction of bein" clever enough to make him come across without any rough treatment. {Tlie doorbell rings.) Who the divil is there to come now to see me? Pat {as Mary ansivers call). The widow. You toult me to be sure an' notify 'er so's you could have a little fun with the ould lady. Dennis {springing back and covering up). I wish y'd have left her where she was. Mary {very indignant as she leads the zvay). There he he is ! Take a look at him ! Mrs. O'Flaherty enters. Mrs. O'Flaherty {hurrying to the sofa). Poor Dinnie ! They've got you where you can't spake to me at last. {Turns back the sheet and looks sadly doivn as she en- deavors to zveep.) My, how p'aceful and calm you do look. {Covers the face and turns to Mary.) What's the matter, Mrs. Hogan, you don't seem to be sheddin' many tears. Mary {angrily). Perhaps I have no very good reason to shed tears. 36 AN IRISH STEW Mrs. O'F. Perhaps not. The loss of a husband is hardly enough for some women to shed tears over. (Business of Dennis and Pat urging the two zvomen upon each other in dumb shcnv. They grin and make faces and have their fitn behind the women's hacks.) Mary. Judgin' from the way you behaved after the death of yours. Mrs. O'F, I'm still a widow. Mary. It's no fault of yours, if you are. Mrs. O'F. Mrs. Hogan, you don't mane a word y're sayin'. Y're only jealous of me 'cause y'r husband used to go out of his way to spake to me once in awhile since me own husband died. Mary. And I suppose you didn't encourage it? Mrs. O'F. .Mrs. Hogan! I came here thinkin' you was in trouble and to offer me services if you was. If }'re not in trouble thin I'll take one long last look at poor Dinnie and bid you good avenin'. (Dennis flops hack and as Mrs. O'Flaherty turns to look in the direction of couch, all is peaceful. Pat^s head is hozved.) Mary. He's there for you to look at. Help y'rself. (Doorbell rings and Mary goes and pushes hiitton.) Mrs. O'F. (stepping up and pidUng sheet hack). Good- bye, Dinnie. I'll see you nixt whin they're takin' you away from here. -. t , r- t^ Jasper Lee enters, C. u. Jasper (follozving Mary and handing card to her as he enters). I met Mr. Toolin a few moments ago as he was comin' from yoh-all, an' he tol' me to come oveh heah and make arrangements foh de disposal of yoh husband's re- mains. I'm de new undertaker jes' move heah from Ten- nessee. I's Jasper Lee from Tennessee, I is. Mrs. O'F. Glory be to the Lord, is it a coon undertaker she has ordered? Poor Dinnie! It's little they care about you whin y're gone. Good-bye. (Exit hurriedly, C. D., exchanging hostile glances with Mary.) Mary (looking after her). Good riddance to bad rub- bage. (To Jasper.) Who did you say sint you? AN IRISH STEW 37 Jasper. Mr. Timothy Toolin. He said to take charge of the funeral and y'd pay me later. Dat's all right, madam. You kin pay me whenever you feel like it. Don't care very much whether yoh pay me at all, jes' so's I gits a start. I's been heah fouh months and nobody gives me nothin' to do. I jes' figures dat if I gits a staht, business will pick up. Mary. It's mighty kind of Tim Toolin, I must say. Dennis {Jiaving sat up and seen Jasper). Holy Moses! I'm to be buried by a nayger ! Jasper (treinbling and looking straigJit ahead). What am dat? Pat. The ghost of the dead man. Jasper. Good-day, ev'ybody! I ain't gwin' to have nothin' to do with dead people what lets dere ghosts trail around wid dem. Um-um. I's gwin' ! {Exit C. D. zvith- out ever looking in the direction of the sofa. Pat and Mary look at one another. Dennis flings the sheet off, sits up on sofa.) Dennis. Well, the jig is up. No chance of gettin' the two hundred. You might as well be goin' to the matin' and tell thim somethin' for me — that I was sick or somethin' and couldn't come. (Noise outside.) Mary. Well, Dinnie, I tried me best. Pat. What's that noise outside like someone backin' up a truck ? Dennis. It's another of y'r ideas. Mary. Here, Dinnie, take this money. If the phony- graft comes I'll have thim take it back. Dennis. I'll do nothin' of the kind. {Bell rings. Mary goes and presses button. Voice heard from outside hall- zvay. ) Voice. I have a phonograph for Hogan. Where do you want to put it? Mary. Take it home with you. Dennis {going to C. D.). Never mind what she says. Set it there in the hall. Come here and git y'r money. {Pushes Mary into the hall.) Pay the man, why don't you? 38 AN IRISH STEW Mary (goes into Jiall as Dennis returns to sofa). Din- nie, I hate to do this. Pat. I'm sorry, Dinnie, y're not comin' with me. There's to be the installation of officers tonight, a fine banquet, and heaven knows what, and you would be enjoyin' y'rself — Dennis {interrupting). I'd be ashamed to put me face in the door if I hadn't the price of me dues in me pocket. iPieks up mirror and looks at self.) Just think — the widow thought I looked handsome. (Chuekles.) Pat. There's an ould sayin', Love is blind, you know. Dennis. Mary Ann and the widow niver did git along. Mary Ann has no use for her. Pat. Just about as much use as you have for Toolin. Dennis. Don't be foolish, Lahey. Mary enters from hall through C. D. Mary. I feel awfully guilty, Dinnie. There it is out there in the hall, and there it'll stay till the childer come home an' find a place to put it. Dennis. You don't feel one-half as guilty as I do, axin' you for money whin I knew you wanted it f'r somethin' else. Pat [picking up his hat). An' naither of yez feel as guilty as I do — thinkin' up an idea and have it pan out like this one did, after comin' so close to gittin' what the whole of us was after. (Bell rings.) Mary. Who the divil is this? Into bed with ye, Dinnie. Who knows but it may be Toolin' returnin'. (Dennis hurries back to sofa. Pat co7'ers him up. then follozvs Mary to C. D., and looks out down the Jialhvay. He sees who it is and hurries back to Dennis. They ivhisper and the form straightens on sofa as Pat bows head in sad spirits.) Tim enters C. D. and follows ^Iary into room. Tim. It's aisy seein' you don't intind to mourn the loss of y'r husband very long. An' I don't blame you for it. {Sees Pat.) Good-avenin' again. Lahey. AN IRISH STEW 39 (Pat merely nods and drops his head in the palms of his hands.) Mary. Why do you say that, Tim? Tim. You have a new phonograph, I see. Mary. That was a present to the childer from their father before he died. Tim. Dinnie was good-hearted, all right. After all, it's no bad failin' to have the reputation of bein' good-hearted. Did the undertaker come? Mary. Did he come, Tim? Did you send that nayger here to bury poor Dinnie? Tim. I did that. What difference does it make who's the undertaker? Whin y're dead y're dead, and the under- taker won't bring ye back to life again. Mary. But he's too scared to be an undertaker. He's a-scared of his shadow. Someone made a slight noise whin he was here talkin' to me, and Pat, there, for the fun of it, tould him it was Dinnie's ghost, and he shot out of here as if the divil was after him. Tim {reaching dozvn in pocket and pulling out pocket- book containing roll of bills). Well, I've changed me mind about the undertaker. Here's the two hundred I owe Din- nie. Take it and hire y'r own undertaker. (The form on the conch stirs. Pat almost faints as Tim delivers bills to Mary.) I guess y'll find there's enough there to cover all expenses. If there isn't — don't call on me. Call on some- one else who has more money than I have to throw at the birds. Good-avenin' and good luck to you, Mrs. Hogan. After y'r troubles are over and you happen to be down by me office, drop in an' we'll talk ould times over. Good- avenin'. {Exit CD.) Mary {calling after him). Good-avenin', Tim. Dennis {springs up and rushes out L. D. to remove paint. From off stage). Good-avenin', ould tight-wad. Pat {rushing to Mary). Did you get it all? Mary {counting bills). Faith I did — every cent of it. Dennis {coming from L. D. and zviping his forehead zvith a towel). Mary Ann, y're a darlin'. 40 AN IRISH STEW As they embrace, Toolin reappears in C. D. Tim. I forgot, ]\Jrs. Nooan, 1(» lakf a receipt for that two — what tlic — ? [i.lariiKj nt lliciii.) I ilionght that you was (lead ! I)i:nnis. Well, you blatherskite, you got another thought coniin'. Tim (gesticulating angrily). You tricked me ! Give me back me two hundred dollars or I'll have the law on you ! Dennis. Take y'r face out of that doorway before I spoil me fist with it. Tim (starting to go). Well, I suppose y're satisfied, now that you got the money that belonged to you ! Dennis. Yes, an' I suppose y're satisfied to think I had to die to get it. Tim. Ah, you make me sick! (Exit C. D.) Dennis. Follow him out, Mary Ann, and lock the door behind him or he's liable to stale the phonygraft. (Mary exits C. D. Dennis turns to Pat and grabs his hand.) \Mioever says that Pat Lahey ain't the possessor of big ideas, I'll tell him he's a liar ! Pat. I thank you for thim words. But now, Dinnie, do me one favor in return for what I did for you. Dennis. You have only to ax it. Pat. Who, besides meself, voted for you? Dennis (dratving back as if to slap Pat). Go on out of that, before I break me fist on y'r gob. Mary enters C. D. Mary. Thank heaven that's over with. Dennis. Come, Mary Ann. Give me a squeeze. Mary. Don't be foolish, Dinnie. Pat (to Dennis).- Come along, now, and go with me to the meetin' I Dennis. No, Pat. Give him a tin-spot, Mary Ann, and let him pay me dues for me. (Mary gives Pat a bill from her roll.) Y'll do that much for me, won't you, Pat? Pat. Faith I will. (Goes to C. D. and stands looking AN IRISH STEW 41 back.) I'll do anything in the world for you an' Mary Ann, Dinnie. Dennis. That's kind of you, Pat. I'd Hke to go for your sake and that fellow up there (looks up at picture), but the childer have gone to the masquerade and it wouldn't be right to lave Mary Ann home here alone. I think if I'm wise, I'd better stay where I am. (Slips his arm around Mary's ivaist.) Don't you think so, Mary Ann? Mary. Faith I do, Dinnie. {They embrace.) Curtain. The Spell of the Ima^e By LINDSEY BARBEE Price, 35 Cents A comedy-drama in prologue and 3 acts; 10 males, 10 femalec. Time. 21/^ liours. Scenes: 2 interiors. Characters in the Pro- logue: The host. His daughter. Her sweetheart. A rival. A serving maid. A gypsy. Dancers. Characters in the Play: Dun- bar, a young millionaire. Harlan, his friend. Ross, managing edi- tor of the Clarion. Mathews, business manager of the Clarion. Carter, a political candidate. Ted, an office boy. Terrence, an Irish gentleman. Phj^Uis, of modern tendencies. Carolyn, her closest friend. Fredericka, a reporter. Kitty. Phyllis' sister, secretly romantic. Belinda, a maid, also romantic. Two aunts, of opposing natures. SYNOPSIS Prologue. — The toast — "England and America." Phyllis pleads her cause with Rupert — and the image mocks. The gypsy weaves an evil spell and reads what "is written in the stars." Phyllis offers tribute — and the pearls are hidden. "Our tryst is over." Act I. — Kitty flaunts tradition and argues a business career before an unsympathetic audience. Carter proves an obstacle in the political career of MacDonald and John. Phyllis airs her views upon economic independence and tells MacDonald why she can't marry him. Kitty falls asleep — and is awakened by Ad- venture. "Faith and it's not a monkey-wrench to me — it's a key to the future." The telephone rings — and Phyllis goes to work on the Clarion. Act II. — Fredericka lands a scoop — and prophesies failure for the Clarion. Loss of advertising and of popular favor does not daunt MacDonald. "I'm going to be a detectuff." Fredericka makes a proposition to Carter. Ted and Kitty, together, play "detectuff." "Your stocks are quite worthless. Mac." Adven- ture comes again to Kitty — and learns of his enemy. Terrence is about to tell his story — when the climax comes! Act- III. — Terrence is generou.s — and Carter accepts the terms, "Don't its eyes seem to follow me — doesn't it seem alive?" Aunt Letitia and Aunt Alice have a lively tilt, with Phyllis as media- tor. Belinda slaps the image — and the pearls are found! Kitty follows Adventure "even to the end of the day." "Here's half the cost of a wedding ring!' Little Miss Enemy By HARRY L. NEWTON Price, 25 Cents A mobilization of mirth and melody; 1 male, 1 female. Time^ 15 minutes. A Palm Beach flirtation with military tactics. War declared; the enemy entrenched; strategy; the siege; the battle won only to find Little Miss Enemy his commanding officer. A -snappy bit of refined comedy. To S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 623 S. Wabash Ave., CHICAGO The Lady of the Library By EDITH F. A. U. PAINTON Price, 35 Cents A delightful comedy-drama of village life in 3 acts; 5 males, 10 females. Time, 2 hours. Scene: Reading room of a j(>i,blio library; easily set. A most refined and lovable librarian of 60 years, surprisingly youthful in appearance and manner, plays the leading role. Through her selection of literature the town hi».s been brought up to a high standard. Although sincerely in love with a certain judge, she has allowed the whims of others to keep them apart for many years; however, they are finally vmited. Pearl, the pretty ingenue, a strong part. Bits of good comedy furnished by two typical old maids, a movie actress, newlvweds and the "proprietor of the dust rag." A story that inspires the most pleasant thoughts and is bound to find its way to the heart of every audience. SYNOPSIS Act I. — ^Morning- at the Library. A movie actress in ordinary role. "Miss Avis won't be an old maid wlien slie's a liundred." Burr warns Pearl against the fate of a spinster. Tlie missing book. Mrs. Nelson recalls old times. The new preacher feels called to set to rights a few things. "Would you close the doors of knowledge to yovu' four-. footed brothers?" Mrs. Edgeworth exerts her authority. A startling insinuation. Avis unlocks the cliambers of the past. "God be merciful to all who. are born women!" Act IT. — Mrs, Edgeworth on the war-path. Sam assumes the l)lame. "I'm the guy that put the sin in Cincinnati." The Judge's return takes everybody by surprise. The preacher interviews Peail and Susanne appeals for religious instruction. Mrs. Edge- worth's accusation is met by opposition. "If this was the Judg- ment Day and you wei-e the Angel of Death itself, I could give no other answer!" "I would stake my very life on her honesty." Act III. — Sam gets poetic througli literary association. The preacher liears the story of Pearl's origin. Avis resigns her position. The Judge liears of the i)earl ling and finds the long- souglit cliild. Mrs. Edgeworth's change of lieart. "Of course the dear child was not at all to blame." The .ludge reveals the myster\' of the lost volume and Burr contributes liis share to the revelation. Pearl speaks lier mind. "I have nothing what- ever to say to Burr's mother." Mrs. Edgeworth rejoices. "I have always longed for a daughter." Susanne frightens the min- ister. "Go away, lady!" Avis receives and answers her letter at last. The Judge "considers theii* ages" and gets his "turn" at last. "Is it too late to find tlie minister?" At Harmony Junction By FREDERICK G. JOHNSON Price, 25 Cents Comedy character sketch for a singing quartette: 4 males. Time, 20 minutes. The rube station agent, the colored porter, the tramp and the stranger supply mirth and melody wliile wait- ing for the train "due th' day before yistiddy." T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 623 b. Wabash Ave., LxiICAGO Safety First By SHELDON PARMER Price, 35 Cents Farce-comedy, in 3 acts; 5 males, 5 females. Time, 2^4 Hours. Scenes: A parlor and a garden, easily arranged. A sprightly farce full of action and with a unique plot teeming with unex- pected turns and twists that will make the audience wonder "what on earth is coming next." Behind the fun and movement lurks a great moral: Always tell the truth to your wife. The cast includes three young men, a funny policeman, a terrible Turk, two young ladies, a society matron, a Turkish maiden and Mary O'Finnigan, the Irish cook. The antics of the terror-stricken husband, the policeman, the dude and the Irish cook start the audience smiling at 8:15 and send them home with aching sides from the tornado of fun at 10:40. Suitable for performance any- where, but recommended for lodges, clubs and schools. Not a coarse or suggestive line in the play. SYNOPSIS Act I. — Jack's lil suburban home. A misplaced husband. "He kissed me good-bye at eighteen minutes after seven last night, and I haven't laid eyes on him since." The Irish maid is full of sympathy but she imagines a crime has been committed. Elmer, the college boy, drops in. And the terrible Turk drops out. "Sure the boss has eloped wid a Turkey!" Jerry and Jack come home after a horrible night. Explanations. "We joined the Shriners, I'm the Exalted Imported Woggle and Jack is the Ba- zook!" A detective on the trail. Warrants for John Doe, Richard Roe and Mary Moe. "We're on our waj'' to Florida!" Act II. — A month later. Jack and Jerry reported drowned at sea. The Terrible Turk looking for Zuleika. The return of the prodigals. Ghosts! Some tall explanations are in order. "I never was drowned in all my life, was I, Jerry?" "We were lashed to a mast and we floated and floated and floated!" A couple of heroes. The Terrible Turk hunting for Jack and Jerry. "A Turk never injures an insane man." Jack feigns insanity. "We are leaving this roof forever!" The end of a perfect day. Act III. — Mrs. Bridger's garden. Elmer and Zuleika start on their honeymoon. Mabel forgives Jack, but her mamma does not. They decide to elope. Jerry's scheme works. The two McNutts. "Me middle name is George Washington, and I cannot tell a lie." The detective falls in the well. "It's his ghost!" Jack and Jerry preparing for the elopement. Mary Ann appears at the top of the ladder. A slight mistake. "It's a burglar, mum, I've got him!" The Terrible Turk finds his Zuleika. Happiness at last. Foiled, By Heck! By FREDERICK G. JOHNSON Price, 25 Cents A truly rural drama, in 1 scene and several dastardly acts; 3 males, 3 females. Time, 35 minutes. Scene: The mortgaged home of the homespun drama, between sunup- and sundown. Characters: Reuben, a nearly self-made man. His wife, who did the rest. Their perfectly lovely daughter. Clarence, a rustic hero, by ginger! Olivia, the plaything of fate, poor girl. Syl- vester, with a viper's heart. Curses! Curses! Already he has the papers. A screaming travesty on the old-time "b'gosh" drama. T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 623 S. Wabash Ave., CHICAGO DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. Price 25 Cents Each All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. Aunt Harriet's Night Out, 35 1 2 Aunt Matilda's Birthday Party, 35 min 11 Billy's Chorus Girl, 30 min... 2 3 l>oirawed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 Class Ship, 35 min 3 S Divided Attentions, 35 min... 1 4 Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 Getting Rid of Father,<'20 min. 3 1 Goose Creek Line, 1 hr 3 10 Great Pumpkii^ Case, 35 min..i: Hans \'on Smash, 30 min.... - Honest Peggy, 25 min ]rish Linen Peddler, 40 min... ; Just Like a Woman, 35 min... . Last Rehearsal, 25 min : ;Men Not Wanted, 30 min.... IMother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 Not a Man in the House, 40 m. Paper Wedding, 30 min 1 Pat's Matrimonial '*'enture, 25 min 1 Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 Sewing for the Heathen, 40 min Shadows, 35 min 3 Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 Teacher Kin I Go Home, 35 min 7 Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 min 3 Two Ghosts in White, 20 min . . Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 Uncle Dick's Mistake. 20 min.. 3 Wanted: a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 Watch, a Wallet, and a Jack of Spades, 40 min 3 Whole Truth, 40 min 5 Who's the Boss? 30 min _. . 3 Wide F.nough for Two, 45 min. 5 Wrong Baby, 25 min FARCES, COIVIEDIETAS, Etc Price 15 Cents Each April Fools, 30 min 3 Assessor, The, 15 min 3 ]>al)y SIiow at Pineville, 20 min. Before the Play Begins, 15 min Billy's Mishaps, 20 min Country Tnstice. 1 5 min ...... Cow that Kicked Chicago, 25 m. Family Strike, 20 min.. First-Class TTotel, 20 min.... For Love and Honor, 20 min.. Fudge and a Burglar, IS min.. 7 9 Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 Lottie Sees It Through, 35 min. 3 4 Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 Please Pass the Cream, 20 min. 1 1 Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 Smith's LTnlucky Day, 20 min.. 1 1 That Rascal Pat, 30 mm 3 2 Two Aunts and a Photo, .20 m. 4 Two Gentlemen in a Fix. 15 m. 2 Wanted: A Hero, 20 min 1 1 VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES Price 25 Cents Each Amateur, 15 min 1 1 At Harmony Junction, 20 min. 4 Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 Cold Finish, 15 min.. 2 1 Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2 1 Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 Hey, Rul)e! 15 min 1 It Might Happen, 20 min 1 1 Little Miss Enemy, 15 min.... 1 1 Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 Pete Yonsen's Curl's Moder, 10m. 1 Quick Lunch Cabaret, 20 min.. 4 Si and I, 15 min 1 Special Sale, 15 min 2 Street Faker, 15 min 3 Such Ignorance, 15 min 2 Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 Time Table, 20 min 1 1 Tramp ancl the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 Two Jay Detectives, 1 5 min . . 3 Umbrella Mender, 15 min.... 2 Vait a Minute 2 BLACK-FACE PLAYS Price 25 Cents Each Axin' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 Booster Club of Blackville, 25 min 10 Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 2 Coon Creek Courtship, 15 m... 1 1 Coontown Thirteen Club. 25 m. 14 Darktown Fire Brigade, 25m.. 10 Good Mornin' Judffe, 35 min.. 9 2 Hungry, 1 5 min 2 Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 Memphis Mose, 25 min. ...... . 5 1 Oh, Doctor! 30 min 6 2 Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 What Happened to Hannah, IS min 1 1 A great number of Standard and Amateur Plays not found here are listed in Denison's Catalogue T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,Publishers,623S.WabashAve..ChiC8go 1-921 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS POPULAR ENTERTAINI Price, Illustrated Paper Covers THE rAVORTTE BCXKOFDEILLS IN this Series are found books touching every feature in the enter- tainment field. Finely made, good paper, clear print and each book has an attrac t i v e individual cov- er design. A Partial List DIALOGUES All Sorts of Dialogues. Sei^ted, fine for older pupils. Catchy Comic Dialogues. Very clever; for young people. Children's Comic Dialogues. From six to eleven years of age. Country School Dialogues. Brand new, original. Dialogues for District Schools. For country schools. Dialogues from Dickens. Thirteen selections. Friday Afternoon Dialogues. Over 60,000 copies sold. From Tots to Teens. Dialogues and recitations. Humorous Homespun Dialogues^ For older ones. Little People's Plays. From 7 to 13 years of age. Lively Dialogues. For all ages; mostly humorous. Merry Little Dialogues. Thirty-eight original selections. When the Lessons are Over. Dialogues, drills, plays. Wide Awake Dialogues. Original successful. SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES Choice Pieces for Little People. A child's speaker. The Comic Entertainer. Recitations, monologues, dialogues. Dialect Readings. Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scptch, etc. The Favorite Speaker. Choice prose and poetry. The Friday Afternoon Speaker. For pupils of all ages. Humorous Monologues. Particularly for ladies. Monologues for Young Folks. Clever, humorous, original. Monoic 017 400 402 A Drai».»»wv» nm-i-iiuinaitrasj~ Scrap- Book Recitations. Choice collections, pathetic, hu- morous, descriptive, prose, poetry. 15 Nos., per No. 36c DRILLS The Best Drill Book. Very popular drills and marches. The Favorite Book of Drills. Drills that sparkle with originality. Little Plays With Drills. For children from 6 to 11 years. The Surprise Drill Book. Fresh, novel, drills and marches. SPECIALTIES The Boys' Entertainer. Monologues, dialogues, drills. Children's Party Book. Invitations, decorations, games. The Christmas Entertainer. Novel and diversified. The Days We Celebrate. Entertainments for all the holidays. Good Things for Christmas. Recitations, dialogues, drills. Good Things for Sunday Schools. Dialogues, exercises, recitations. Good Things for Thanksgiving. A gem of a book. Good Things for Washington and Lincoln Birthdays. Little Folks' Budget. Easy pieces to speak, songs. One Hundred EntertainVnents. New parlor diversions, socials. Patriotic Celebrations. Great variety of material. Pictured Readings and Tableaux. Entirely original features. Pranks and Pastimes. Parlor games for children. Shadow Pictures, Pantomlmt«, Charades, and how to prepare. Tableaux and Scenic Readings. New and novel; for all ages. Twinkling Fingers and Sway- ing Figures. For little tots. Yuletlde Entertainments. A choice Christmas collection. MINSTRELS, JOKES The Black-Face Joker. Minstrels' and end men's gags. A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. Monologues, stump speeches, etc. Laughland,via the Ha-Ha Route. A merry trip for fun tourists. Negro Minstrels. All about the business. The New Jolly Jester. Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. Larse Illustrated Catalogue Free T.S.DENISON & COMPANY,Publishers,623 S.Wabash Ave.. Chicago LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 017 400 402 P