PS 3533 Class L-.AA5A5 Book, .y: CopyrightN". 21/1^ COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. A LITTLE BOOK OF TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE '■^ This volume is No. '/^y of an edition strictly limited to a certain number of copies. The publishers give their asssur- ances that this certain number of copies will be positively determined by the endur- ance of the letterpress used herein and that no more copies will be printed after the letterpress is worn out. A LITTLE BOOK OF TOO FAMILL4R FAMILY VERSE TO WHICH ARE ADDED A FEW PHILUPPICS BY BARRY VAIL «ci42 '^^^ NEW YORK BONADVENTURE & BILLINGSGATE 1910 Copyright, 1910, by John Barry Ryan ©CIA2652 •^ r TO MY FATHER You may be rich as Crcesus, But when you 've read this verse And corner 'd this edition There '11 be no creases in your purse. Contents, Carry me back ter ole Virglnny 3 Al 5 Sal 6 Presarvin'-Time 8 Scared er Jumpin' 9 'Zadgeratin' 10 After-Birthday-Diniier Verses 11 Chaffering 14 Binns 16 To Louis Brennan, London 19 The Dogbane Beetle 21 Da Albermarl' Pip' . . , . ♦ 22 L'envoi 25 Preface. The author of these verses craves from his relatives, requests from his friends, and demands from the public at large, their indulgences as to the inaccu- racy of the meter used. His meter never has been accurate. The amount of gas running through his metre will be found to be enormous. In consequence, the family of the author is large, poor, and pitiable. It would have been small, rich, and enviable if his meter ever had been reliable and given him a chance to accumulate enough capital to start a better business than verse-making. The unfortunate possession of an irresponsible metre in his attic and a temperamental meter in his cellar is solely to blame. His surge9n is, as yet, unable to remove the one, and the Congosolidated Gas Com- pany refuses to relieve him of the other. A LITTLE BOOK OF TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE Carry me hack ter ole Virginny. Carry me back ter ole Virginny; Dar ^s whar de fishin' on Tyre River was such fun ; Many 's de coon dat I treed in Owl Holler, Many 's de mink dat I kotched on Rucker's Run. Dar when a boy I would rise in de mornin', All in de dark 'fo' de eomin' er de sun, Set on a log on de slope er Wood's Mount'n, Watchin' fer squir'ls an' a-munchin' sally-lunn. Chorus : Carry me back ter ole Virginny; Down in ole Nelson, whar de corn an' 'taters grow; Dar 's whar dey don't have no stock-market tickers, Dar 's whar dis ole darky's heart am long ter go. Carry me back ter ole Virginny; Dar at Oak Ridge de cows an' horses are so fine ; Dar 's whar Decanter an' swif Highland Eagle Munch on de blue grass an' sweet-pertater vine. Dar 's whar de razorbacks run on de mount'n. Plenty de acorns an' nuts on which dey feeds. Den in de fall when time come fer hog-killin' Maybe I kotch some er dose er Mister Sneed's. [ 3 ] A LITTLE BOOK OF Chorus : Carry me back ter ole Virginny, Down in ole Nelson, whar de corn an^ 'taters grow; Dar 's whar dey don't have no Whirls an' no Joynals, Dar 's whar dis ole darky's heart am long ter go. To my Father, Christmas, 1907. \ 4 ] TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE Al LoOKA here now, Al, I gota 'nough of you; You been a bada, bada brok' alia week. Why you tella me buy dot America Tobac? What 's de mat' why you no speak? You aska de marge, You maka much charge. You soaka me tena per cent. You tmka for a minute dot I standa for dot? You tinka I 'm a lowa-downa gent? Gooda-by, Al, I am going away; You got a bad disposish. Gooda-by, Al; it '11 bea colda day When you getta again my commish. I comma in your office when I gotta much tin. You sella me de Inter-Met., an' taka me in. Gooda-by, Al; get gay vit me And I maka for you much troub. Apologies to Messrs. Montgomery and Stone in ' ' The Red Mill. ' ' To Allan A. Ryan, Esq., on his birthday, May 6, 1908. [ 5 ] A LITTLE BOOK OF Sal Gee! Sal, You 're a fine gal, All to the candy fer Al, Reguler bang-up pal. But say! Fade away ! How about dat Forty-second Street affray' 'T ain't true What dey say of you, Tryin' to fall thru Into the Subway T' other day? Heh? Is dat so? How do I know Car-track stubbed yer toe? Well ! Do tell ! I was dere An' will take der stand an' swear You lost a switch. A which? Why, a switch Of some udder guy's hair. [ 6 1 TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE What? 'T ain't perlite? Well, maybe Dat 's right. What? Mad? Well, dat 's too bad. Whew! But I '11 tell you What I '11 swear 's true, Dat der railroad, too. Lost a switch. A which? Why, a switch Dat yer tried to kick thru. Dat '11 do Fer you. To Mrs. Allan A. Ryan, on her birthday, October 16, 1908. Apologies to W. J. Lampton. [7] A LITTLE BOOK OF Presarvin ^-Time. Me an' my bruvver Teddy 's Goin' ter set eroun' all day, An' jes keep ther back porch tidy, An' behave like Sabbath day, An' keep our jumpers clean an' neat. An' hair brushed nice an' slick, ^Cos it 's presarvin'-iime at our house, An' there 's wooden spoons ter lick! To Master Theodore Sahelle Byan, aetat three years, on his birthday, June 30, 1908. 8 ] TOO FAMILIAE FAMILY VERSE Scared er Jumpin\ I 'SE got er bruvver Teddy, He ain't near so big es me; He 's 'low'd ter jump off jes one step, But I 'se 'low'd ter jump off three. Ma says 'at she '11 spank Teddy Ef he jumps off more 'an one. (We gits candy w'en Pa spanks us, But Ma she don' giv' us none!) He 's scared er gittin' walloped Ef he jumps es high es me. But he ain't scared er jumpin' 'Cos I pushed him off ter see! To Master Allan A. Ryan, Jr^ aetat five years, on his birthday, July 4, 1908. A LITTLE BOOK OF 'Zadgeratin\ John Barry down ter Suffern's, Here a-visitin' with his ma, An^ says ther circus come ter town, An' he went with his pa, An' says in one big waggin Was a milyun snakes — erhout; But I knows he 's 'zadgeratin', 'Cos I 'se sure they 'd twiggle out. To Master John Barry Byan, Jr., aetat eight years, on his birthday, July 8, 1908. 10] TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE After-Birthday-Dinner Verses, * ' strawberry Patch, ' ' Suffern, New York, September 8, 1908. Ladies and Gentlemen : This after-dinner speaking is an art That e'en should come impromptu from the heart; But our fair hostess spread the board so well My heart 's too full for words, my stomach feels like Therefore if dull I am and lacking sprightly wit, Spare me your criticisms, blame Mrs. Al for it. However, I must seek to do my best. And indigestion hide 'neath bursting vest. The girls, impatient, wait to hear their charms Discoursed on— hair, eyes, lips, and limbs and arms. Let 's not an eyebrow, mole, or dimple miss. But stamp each on our mem'ry with a kiss. Why, see who 's here ! A mmd of the Diana sort. No country gentleman could find a gamer sport. Should'st like to see her beauteous eyes aflame? Then tell her tales of dog, of gun, of game. But first of all should'st see her on a horse. For on her hunter's hoofs there grows no moss. Full fifty miles she rode 'twixt noon and eve— 'T is quite a tale, but Clen we must believe— [11] A LITTLE BOOK OF And rode an English, not a Western saddle, And sat the hunting-seat, no ugly straddle; With naught to rest her, neither horn nor cantle, And did not eat her dinner off the mantel. Then Nina, bless her wild and fluttering heart. No woman ever made could play her part, And make a man so happy in his home That he has ne'er a wish from her to roam. But every year that flits so swiftly by. She clips his wings for fear he 'd learn to fly; And every other year, for better or worse, She calls on Mrs. Striker for a nurse. Till John begins to doubt if bolt and door Will keep the staining wolf from Barrymoor. But let me not forget the infant Basil, Or I will surely get the razzle-dazzle. He is the finest baby of the bunch, And how he yells if he don't get his lunch ! But still, when everything is said and done. It 's BasiPs ma that surely takes the bun; Beside her, sage Minerva ^s very dense. And stately Juno looks like thirty cents. Why, Sally 's here ! with hair of molten gold, 'T is better far than that in Wall Street's mold ; And fair complexion, all ablush with pink. That drives all other women straight to drink; But, best of all, a smile that won't come off. In spite of teasing, biting jest, or scoff. fl21 TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE And what a hostess ! Every guest at ease ! The more you ask, the more she tries to please. At our worst failings she has never laughed; She sympathizes when we feel a draft; And folks like me, who love strawberry jam. Get all they want, and she don't give a . So let 's unite in giving her the palm; As hostess she is not 2i false alarum. So let us thank her with a grand Amen, For if we don't we won't be asked again. [13] A LITTLE BOOK OF Chaffering. THE COFFEE-URN. The Lion Passant and Maker's Mark Are quite distinct and plain, The Leopard's Head is easy, hut, To spite your eye and brain, You can't make out the Letter That would indicate the Date On your handeddownforages Piece of Ancient Family Plate. the venison-dish. The Lion Passant and Leopard's Head Are plain as plain can be; It only takes a half an eye The Lettered Date to see; But worry thro' your Chaffers, Yet the Maker's Marks won't mate On your georgeormarthausedit Piece of Ancient Family Plate. THE TRAY. The Letter'd Date and Lion Passant You recognize at once; The Maker's Mark is quickly found; Then, stupid as a dunce, fl41 TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE You puzzle on forever O'er the Leopard's foolish pate On your can'treplaceitever Piece of Ancient Family Plate. THE CAKE-BASKET. The Letter'd Date and Leopard's Head Both quite agree with Cripps; In Chaffers is the Maker's Mark, But here the expert slips; For Lion Passant is missing, And there 's naught to show his fate, On your nowadaysnothinglikeit Piece of Ancient Family Plate. 15] A LITTLE BOOK OF Binns, Ta-a tat! Ta-a tat ! Tat! Tat! Ta-a tat! Wat ther divil are ye at? Ta-a tat tat ! Binns! It ain't that Dridful signal C. Q. D. Wat ye 're sindin' o'er ther sea? Arrah, Binns! Binns! Binns! 'Mid yer flashes an' yer dins, Sure ther nerve an' sand widin ye Keeps yer standin' on yer pins; 'Cause it seems ther thing ter do, Whin they rams us half-way thro', An' Davy Jones is standin' by Ter wish us how d' yer do. Arrah, Binns! Binns! Binns! 'Mid yer flashes an' yer dins, May yer missage hit ther Baltic Afore Death and Davy wins. Ta-a tat ! Ta-a tat ! Tat ! Tat ! Ta-a tat ! Where in heaven are they at? [16] TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE Ta-a tat tat ! Binns ! It ain't that 'Cumilater goin* weak So they '11 niver hear us speak? Arrah, Binns ! Binns ! Binns ! 'Mid yer flashes an' yer dins, Ye 've no time to pray to Heaven Fer rimission of yer sins, Wid Marconi's langwidge queer Makin' noises in yer ear, Spellin' annything for you, Binns, But ther letthers m'anin' fear. Arrah, Binns ! Binns ! Binns ! 'Mid yer flashes an' yer dins. That C. Q. D. hit 'Sconset, I can tell be how ye grins. Ta-a tat ! Ta-a tat ! Tat! Tat! Ta-a tat! Binns ! We know where ye ar' at. Ta-a tat tat ! Sure it is that * I '11 niver sail ther blue Widout you amongst ther crew. Arrah, Binns! Binns! Binns! 'Mid yer flashes an' yer dins, Ye 've got the place amongst us Nayther might nor money wins. [17] A LITTLE BOOK OF Wid yer fri'nd Jack Tattersall, Who was answerin' of yer call, Yer have ther admuration Of ther people one an' all. Arrah, Binns! Binns! Binns! 'Mid yer flashes an' yer dins, Since we ain't got no more like yer. Sure I wish that ye was twins. To John R. Binns, Esq., January 23, 1909. 18] TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE To Louis Brennan, London. Are you the Mr. Brennan makes those gyrostatic tops That will keep a train in balance When it goes or when it stops? On single rail, or wire rope That 's stretched across C H A S M Write and tell me, Mr. Brennan, If you 're the man that has 'em. I 'd like a pocket sample of a gyrostatic top. Would it help me keep my balance When bound homeward from a hop ? Would I lose that wabbly motion When I try to cross ♦ T H E S T R E E T ri9i A LITTLE BOOK OF When I 'm just a little boozy And I can't control my feet? Then the stairway in my mansion is the gyratory sort, And my wife she haunts the landing, So most generally I 'm caught. Would I lose the firm conviction That the stairs go up LIK E THIS If I had a gyrostatic ? Would I get a smiling kiss? So if you 're the Mr. Brennan makes those gyrostatic tops That make walkin' chalk lines easy, Take the curve off rye and hops, Can I trouble you to send me One, I 'm truly yours, A. J A Y. P.S. For very good ones I 'II pay anything you say. Reprinted from the Sun, New YorTc, May 11, 1907. [20] TOO FAMILIAE FAMILY VERSE The Dogbane Beetle. 'LissA holds a dogbane spray. Dogbane beetle finds his way To a finger sans a ring. 'Lissa pouts at such a thing. Surely he has little right Scintillating ruby light Where no jewel ought to be When one's heart is fancy free. Dogbane beetle likes the part, Loath from finger to depart. "Take him off," Melissa cries. Fear of beetle shuts her eyes. "Hold your finger forth," I said, "I would have him put his head In this little trap I Ve found. Then I '11 have him safe and sound." Softly, I Melissa's hand Held, and slipped a jeweled band Down to where the beetle lay. Duty o'er, he flew away. 'Lissa looked, the beast had fied : On her finger glowed instead Ruby light that never dies. 'Lissa blushed and dropped her eyes. Beprinted from the Sim, Neiv YorJc, June 30, 1907. [211 A LITTLE BOOK OF Ba AlbermarV Pip\ Ah lika to sella banan'; Da customa maka no foz, He pointa da feenga lik' dees, An' say, "Gimmee halfa da doz." Ah lika to sella peenut ; Eet maka no deef w'at Ah got, Da olda one sell jes' as queek As da fraish eef Ah keepa dem hot. Da appF he giva da troub'; So manee da deefaren' kin', Da yalla, da gren, an' da red, Eet maka much meex en my min'. When appP he coma to buy. Da bigga man, Boss er da Bank, An' messenger boy, vera fraish, Eacha one alia sama da crank. Da Boss er da Bank vera mad Wen he don' finda appF he like; He maka me moova my stan', An' buy from da Irisha Mike. [22] TOO FAMILIAE FAMILY VERSE Da messenger boy, vera fraish, He cheata me alia he can ; Getta mad w'en da appF ain' good, An* come an' upsetta my stan'. But nowa Ah hava no troub', EvVaboda he coma to buy; Ah doa da bigga da biz ; You wanta me tella you why? From Napolee coma da fr'en*, Ee goa to work een Virgeen' ; Ah getta from heem da one let^ Ah reada you w'at ee got een: ^^Een Eengleesh Ah write, deer Tommas, To tella you vera good feeng; Ah maka da higga discov^ Ah tinka much monee he hreeng. "T'ro' alia you appV away; Ah senda you*greata beeg bar'l Fees full wid de appV calV Pip'; He 's grow' een dees plaise AlhermarV." Nex' day coma longa da bar'l; Ah knocka he's haid off so queek. "Mio caro !" Ah say to myseP, "Da keeng don' hav' appP so sleek." [231 A LITTLE BOOK OF All liava no more da beeg troub', Dat maka much meex een my min' ; Ah keepa no more da bum app', Only sella dees AlbermarP kin'. Da messenger boy, vera fraish, He snatcha da pippin one day; Een ten meenit he coma right back, An' maka me taka da pay. Oncea more he come back on da run, An' shaka da handa wid me; He say : "Peeka da fines' you got ; Ah taka dem een to J. P." Da bigga man, Boss er da Bank, He see dees one appl' so gran' ; He smila all ova da face, Say "Buon Giorno," an' shaka da han' He feexa da place by da bank. An' maka me bringa my stan'; He say to da coppa lik' dees: ."Don' you peencha dees Italee man." Ah doa da bigga da biz, Ev'raboda he coma to buy. Eef Ah maka da money lik' dees. Ah go to Virgeen' by an' by. To J. P. M., Esq., September, 1909. [24] TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE L' envoi. CoME^ little book! Go forth and do thy duty. Thou hast a mission Far beyond the stars. What tho' our fathers scorn Thee in thy beauty"? Lift up thine eyes And take thy messages to Mars. [25] HAY 27 1910 One copy del. to Cat. Div.