635 PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY 15 CENTS EACH r CRANPORD DAM-E8. 2 Scenes; 1% hours 8 GERTRUDE MASON, M.D. 1 Act; 30 minutes 7 CHEERFUL COMPANION. 1 Act; 25 minutes, 2 LESSOJN INELEGANCE. 1 Act; 30 minutes 4 MAIDENS AJLJL FORLORN. 3 Acts; 1 14 hours 6 MURDER WILL OUT. 2 Act; 30 minutes 6 ROMANCE OF PHYLLIS. 3 Acts; \y A nours 4 SOCIAL ASPIRATIONS. 1 Act; 45 minutes 5 OUTWITTED. 1 Act; 20 minutes.. ., 3 WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA. 2Acts; 45 minutes 4 SWEET FAMILY. lAct;lhour .... 8 BELLES OF BLACK VILLE. 1 Act; 2 hours .'. 30 PRINCESS KIKU. (2 5 cents) 13 RAINBOW KIMONA. («»> cents.) 2 Acts; 1^ hours 9 MERRY OLD MAIDS. (5^ cents.) Motion Song 11 PLAYS FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY J5 CENTS EACH M APRIL FOOLS, t Act; 30 minutes 8 BYRD AND HURD. 1 Act; 40 minutes 6 DARKEY WOOD DEALER. 1 Act; 20 minutes 8 WANTED, A MAHATMA. 1 Act: 30 minutes 4 HOLY TERROR. 1 Act; 30 minutes 4 MANAGER'S TRIALS. 1 Act; 1 hour 9 MEDICA. 1 Act; 35 minutes 7 NIGGER NIGHT SCHOOL. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 SLIM; JIM AND THE HOODOO. 1 Act; 30 minutes 5 WAITED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 SN-OBSON'S STAG PARTY. 1 Act; 1 hour 12 PICKLES AND TICKLES. 1 Act; 20 minutes. 6 HARVEST STORM. 1 Act; 40 minutes 10 CASE OF HERR BAR ROOMSKI. Mock Trial; 2 hours... 28 DARKEY BREACH OF PROMISE CASE. Mock Trial. 22 GREAT LIBEL CASE. Mock Trial; 1 Scene; 2 hours 21 RIDING THE GOAT. Burlesque Initiation; 1 Scene; \\& hours 24 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. THE CONQUEST OF HELEN A Comedy in One Act By RALPH W. TAG Author of Transaction in Stocks, Handy Solomon, etc. Copyright 1916 by Dick & Fitzgerald NEW YORK DICK & FITZGERALD 18 ANN STREET 4 tr> <&A* THE CONQUEST OF HELEN CHARACTERS Miss Helen Sutherland __ A temperamental concert singer Dick Carroll From the V/est Chick O'Connor. _ A sporty young man with a heart of gold Mr. Smith The manager of the hotel Bridget Murphy A maid Time.— The present. Locality. — New York City. Time of Playing. — About one hour. COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS Helen.^-A pretty morning dress of the latest fashion. Dick. — First entrance, a dressing gown thrown over suit, bath slippers. Second entrance, conventional business suit, Chick. — Checked suit, soft collar, "loud" tie, cap. Bridget. — Conventional maid's costume. Mr. Smith. — Conventional business suit. INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES Copy of a will for Helen. Money and engagement ring for* DfcK. Large roll of money and watch chain for Chick. Breakfast tray and letters for Bridget. STAGE DIRECTIONS As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audience, r. means right hand; l., left hand; d. c, door at canter; d. r., door at right; d. l., door at left; up, meaiays toward back of stage; down, toward footlights. SEP 12 1916 ^ GLD 448? » ffi- THE CONQUEST OF HELEN SCENE. — A handsomely appointed room of Miss Suther- land's suite in the Hotel Craddock. Morning. Doors center, down r. and up l. Key in d. c. Piano and music cabinet (if possible) up l. Settee down r. Small writing desk and table down l. Easy chairs, statuary, rich curtains and ornaments. Luxury should be the key- note of the setting. As curtain rises a knock is heard d. c. There is no answer, and the knock is repeated. Helen (off l.). Who is it? Bridget (off c). It's only me, ma'am. ENTER d. l., Helen, goes to d. c, turns key and opens it. Helen. Good morning, Bridget. ENTER d. c, Bridget. Bridget. Good mornin', ma'am. Here's your mail, ma'am. (Hands letters to Helen who takes them and goes to desk down l. and is busy opening them) I didn't see ye down to the dinin' room, ma'am, and sure I was after whonderin' if it's sick ye are, so I brought up the mail. Helen. You're a perfect jewel Bridget; I don't know what I should ever do without you. ; , Bridget. And would you be likin' your breakfast up here this mornin', ma'am? Helen. Yes, I would like to have breakfast served up here this morning. I don't feel equal to that dining-room. Bridget. Then ye are sick? Helen. No, not sick, but worried and nervous. Bridget. Worrit is it ye are? Well that's too bad now. Sure, it's lonely ye must be with Miss Colby away, ma'am. (Jerks thumb toward d. r.) 3 4 The Conquest of Helen Helen. Yes, it is too bad that Marie had to go now of all times; I do so need someone in whom I can confide. Bridget. Well, beggin' your pardon, ma'am, but if I can be of any service now I Helen. Oh thank you, Bridget, I think not. Bridget. Of course if it be real personal I ain't the one to be meddlin'. (She dusts and tidies room during the follow- ing scene) Helen (to herself). Oh I've just got to tell someone. (To Bridget) Bridget, if I tell you something will you promise me not to tell any of the other servants? Bridget. I will that, ma'am. Sure, I ain't on shpakin' terrums with a one on this floor. They be a common lot of Dagoes and Dutch and such. Helen. Oh Bridget, I'm in dreadful trouble. Bridget. Sure don't be after frettin' your pretty head about it and it'll all come out foine, whatever it is. Helen. I wish I were half the optimist you are, Brid- get, but this is serious, deadly serious. Bridget (interested). You don't say. Helen. A man I've never seen before is coming here today — and he wants to marry me. Bridget. And you call that trouble! Sure I never heard of such luck. Helen. But you don't understand. Bridget. Did he send his picture? Helen. Oh it isn't that kind of a scheme at all. Listen, I'll tell you all about it. I had an eccentric old uncle who lived out West and he had oodles and oodles of money. He liked me very much when I was younger but when I began my vocal studies he turned against me. He didn't like, the idea of a professional singer in the family. Bridget. I know how it is, ma'am, he didn't have the eaf'for it. Helen. Oh no, it wasn't that. You see he was old fashioned and especially so in his ideas about women. He thought I ought to put on my best gown and sit in the front parlor till I caught the eye of some eligible young man, and marry him. He thought a girl should be married at twenty. Bridget. So do I — if she can do it. The Conquest of Helen 5 Helen. He thought it scandalous that I should display enough spirit to want to earn my own living. He couldn't understand the joy I feel in being entirely independent of anyone. Bridget. Of course not, ma'am. Helen. After my success came, our correspondence, dwindled down to almost nothing. Whenever he did write it was to urge me to give up my career and settle down to a humdrum existence. Of course I wouldn't hear of it. Bridget. Certainly not, ma'am. Helen. Well, yesterday I got word that the poor old gentleman had died. Bridget. Ain't that too bad now. Helen. The lawyers sent me a copy of the will and that is the root of all the evil. He left half of his estate to me and half to the son of an old friend on the condition that we marry within three months. Bridget. Well, ain't that romantic loike! Sure I'm after readin' a shtory jist like that. "More than Riches" was the name. Helen. Yes, it would be fine in a novel, but in real life I fear it's not going to be so alluring. Bridget. Oh, I see, there is somebody else. Helen. No, there is no one else. I have never been in love — except with my art, but you haven't heard all. (Opens will and taps it with finger) There is a clause in this will which says that in the event of this man indulging in gambling of any sort he is to forfeit his share of the estate. Don't you see, he is some wild fellow who has led a wild and festive career and they are marrying him off to me, to reform him. Bridget. He ain't too old now, is he? Helen. Oh no, I believe he is quite young, but I will not marry any man to reform him. Besides, it would mean that I would have to give up my singing and I refuse to do that. Bridget. Sure, if gamblin' is his only fault it's a foine young man he is, I'm athinkin'. Why don't you wait till you see him? Helen. But what of my career? I must have some means of expressing my temperament you know. 6 The Conquest of Helen Bridget. You'll excuse me for sayin' it, ma'am, but do you call them dago songs you sing expressin' yourself? Helen. Certainly. Bridget. Well then, I can't understand a word of 'em. It ain't for me to be tellin' you, ma'am, but it shtrikes me that a woman as gits married and brings up her children to be a credit to herself and the country is doing all the expressin' any woman ought to do. Helen. Bridget, you've been going to Anti-Suffragette meetings! Bridget. No I ain't, ma'am. But there was me own mother now. Look how she expressed herself. Helen. You mean she was an artist? Bridget. Indade not, ma'am; she was a washerwoman afore she got married. Helen. Well then, how did she express her artistic temperament? Bridget (proudly). Well, here I be ma'am. Helen (laughing). Oh I see. Well, perhaps you are right. At any rate I shall not argue the point with you. Bridget. But what are you goin' to do about him ma'am? Helen. I'm sure I don't know and that's just what worries me. I suppose I shall have to refuse to see him — for the present at least. Bridget. But you ought to give him a chance ma'am. Think of the money. Helen. I don't need money. Miss Colby and myself are very comfortable here. We have our own car and everything that money can buy so why should I want money? Besides, it is lots of fun to know that you earn all your own money. Bridget. But you'll be gettin' old ma'am some far day and then like as not you won't be able to sing loike you can now. Helen. Oh let the future take care of itself. It's too far off to worry me. Bring me some breakfast now; per- haps I shall feel better after I have had a bite to eat. (Yawns) I hardly slept a wink last night worrying over this. Bridget (she has worked r.). You poor darlint. I'll be The Conquest of Helen 7 gettin' your breakfast right away. (Starts toward d. r.) I'll be lettin' some air in Miss Colby's room first. Helen (quickly). You needn't bother Bridget. Miss Colby won't be back for a week at least. (Bridget puts her hand on door knob, opens door a few inches and looks in. She gives a little scream and slams door shut) Mercy, what is it? Bridget (breathing hard). Must have been a mouse ma'am. Helen (alarmed). A mouse! Bridget. Yes ma'am, I see how it is ma'am. Sure I don't blame ye wan bit. Helen. Don't blame me; what do you mean? Bridget. It's all right ma'am, I won't say a word; not a word ma'am. Helen. Well I hope you won't. You promised you know. Bridget. No ma'am — that is, I mean yes ma'am. Sure you have the right to pick your own ma'am. Helen. What are you talking about? Bridget. But I'd explain how it was to the manager ma'am. He won't like it if ye don't. Helen. Come here and explain yourself. Why you're almost hysterical! Bridget. Yes ma'am, I'll be bringin' your breakfast right away ma'am. (Pauses at door) I suppose you'll be after havin' a big appetite this mornin'. Helen. Why no, on the contrary, I shall want very little. Is there anything wrong with you Bridget? You're not subject to fits, are you? Bridget. Sure I don't know ma'am. I'll be going now. [EXIT quickly, d. c. Helen. Now what on earth can be the matter with that girl. She is generally so sensible I can't understand it. Well I suppose we all have our little spells, (d. r. opens slowly and Dick Carroll puts his head in) Dick. Are you the maid? (Helen utters a long shrill scream and runs to the other side of the room) Gee whiz, turn off that noon whistle; I'm not going to bite you. (comes down) Helen. Who — who are you? 8 The Conquest of Helen Dick. Who are you? Helen. What are you doing in here? Dick. What are you doing in here? Helen. But — but — Oh who are you? Dick. You haven't answered my question yet. Are you the maid? Helen. Of course not! Dick. Whew! Say, what kind of a Helen. These are my rooms sir, explain your presence here. Dick. Hold on! Your rooms? Why these are my rooms. Helen. They're mine I tell you. Dick. And I say they're mine. I arrived here last night and was shown up here. Helen. Oh but don't you see they've made a mistake. I've been living in this suite with a girl friend for the last six months. Dick. Well what do you know about that. Gee it's rich. {Laughs) Helen. I noticed a new bell-boy yesterday and I'm sure it was he who made the blunder. (Sharply) What are you laughing at? Dick. Oh excuse me. I guess you're right about the bell-hop, he did seem green. Never waited for a tip. Helen. Well, you must go at once before anyone sees you. Dick. Of course, of course. But you'll give me time to finish dressing I hope. Helen. Oh now I see what was the matter with Brid- get. She has seen you already. Dick. You mean the maid? Helen. Yes, and I'm sure she will never be able to keep it to herself. She was just bursting with excite- ment when she left here. Oh what shall I do, what shall I do! Dick. Oh I say, don't take it like that. I'll clear out of here in no time and no one need be any the wiser. As for the maid, why I'll stuff a nice new five dollar bill into her mouth and that will stop it, never fear. Helen. Yes, if she hasn't already told half the hotel. The Conquest of Helen 9 Just think what this would mean to me if it ever gets out. I'm Helen Sutherland, you know. Dick. Oh how do you do. I'm very glad to make your acquaintance. Helen. Haven't you ever heard of me? Dick. Why yes — er — let's see; you're a suffragette or something, aren't you? Helen (coldly). No! Dick. Well then, what are you? Helen. I'm a soprano and I Dick. Oh yes, sure I've heard of you. Helen. And you can see what this will mean if the papers get it. Dick (sarcastically). I'll bet you would crowd the election right off the first page. Helen. Yes, I suppose I would. Dick. You — er — you — sort of hate yourself, don't you. Helen. This is no time for sarcasm please. You must go at once. I'll attend to Bridget. Dick. Just as you say. (Starts toward d. r. A sharp knock is heard d. c.) Helen. Quick! Someone is coming. Dick. I'm on my way. [EXIT d. r. Helen goes to d. c. and opens it) ENTER d. c. Chick O'Connor. He brushes by Helen and comes down c. Does not remove his cap. Chick. Where's Dick, I gotta see Dick right away. Helen. There is no one here by that name. Chick. Don't kid me lady. Didn't I hear Dick talkin'. Say, Dick and me is old pals and I'd know his voice in a bargain counter rush. Helen. But I tell you there is no one else here but myself. You have made a mistake. Chick. They told me, didn't they? (Cough is heard off r.) That's him. That's Dick. I gotta see him right away, get me? Just say it's Chick O'Connor; you don't need no card. Helen. But the next room has nothing to do with this one. That is another suite. 10 The Conquest of Helen Chick. Another what? Helen. Another suite. Chick (understands her to say "Sweet"). Say on the level kid, I like your eyes. Helen (drawing away). What a strange man! ENTER d. c. Bridget with breakfast tray. Bridget (aside). Sure that must be the fellow she was tellin' me about. (Aside to Helen) Is that him ma'am? Chick. Say, ain't you gonna tell Dick I'm here? I gotta see him right away I tell you. Helen (walks l.). I have told you that I know nothing about Dick. Oh I shall go out of my mind. [EXIT d. l. Slams door. Chick. Gee, what a long tail our cat has. Bridget (aside). The poor darlint. She can't handle the two of 'em to once. Chick. When do I see Dick? Bridget. And who might Dick be? Chick. None of your guff now kid. Tell Dick I'm here. Chick O'Connor that's me. Bridget (aside). Oho, the plot thickens. (To Chick) So you know the other one? Chick. Stir your talk kid, it's lumpy, it's lumpy. What other one? Bridget. Sure, I'm meanin' him in there. Chick. Oh Dick. Sure I know Dick. Him and me is old pals. I used to train him when he was in college. Bridget. Train him! He ain't a monkey now is he? Chick. Put on your chains, you're skiddin', you're skiddin'. Hop to the jungle, you're wild, you're wild. Bridget. Did you ever hear the like of such talk in all your born days. Be you the one that wants to marry her? Chick. Nothin' doin' on the double harness stuff for me. Say, what are you tryin' to wish on me anyhow? Bridget. I know you all right, all right. That's just who you are. Well, I'm tellin' you it ain't no use; she's got one already. Chick. Got what already. The Conquest of Helen 11 Bridget. A husband. She ran off and got married on the sly. She didn't tell me, but I seen him I did, and I don't blame her either with you comin' here and tryin' to make her marry you. Chick. Say, throw me an anchor somebody, I'm driftin', I'm driftin'. Bridget. So you'd better get right back to where you came from 'cause she won't have you. Chick (taking breath). Say, let's go back and figure this out all over again. Now I'm lookin' for Dick and they sent me up here. I hears him talkin' in here so I gives the door the double rat-rat ENTER d. r. Dick. Chick (running to him and seizing his hand). Dick me boy. They was tryin' to tell me you was out to lunch. I knew you was here, 'cause I heard you. Dick. Well, well Chick. Where on earth did you drop from? You've got the wrong place haven't you? The cafe is on the ground floor. Chick. No, I'm in right. I wanna see you Dick. I got a soft one in the third race Dick. Chick, are you still playing sure things? Chick. Sure thing! Why this is as good as wheat in the barn. I heard you was in town, so I looked you up right away. It's a beaut Dick — can't lose. Dick. Nothing doing, Chick. Absolutely nothing doing. You might as well pack your bag and beat it. I'm off the stuff for good and all. Chick. Say Dick, you ain't gone and got married have you? Dick. No, I'm not married Bridget (who has been an attentive listener). Not mar- ried! Dick (turns and sees her). Eh, what's that? Bridget. Oh nothing sir, I was just thinkin' out loud. Dick. Oh you're the maid, are you? Well come here Bridget. (Takes bill from pocket) Now see that you don't do any more thinking out loud and everything will be ex- plained to you in good time. (Gives her bill) 12 The Conquest of Helen Bridget. Yes sir, thank you sir. Sure it's none of my business. [EXIT d. c. Dick. And now Chick, let's see you create a little stir in the atmosphere. (Points to door) Go on — blow. Chick. Aw for the love of Mike be reasonable, Dick, and lemme tip you off on this pony. Dick. I told you that I was not interested didn't I? Now get out before I bite you. Chick. Dick, this pony is a twenty to one shot and she can't lose. Why she could run backwards and beat the bunch they got her up against. It's so easy it's like takin' money from a baby. Dick. That's just the point. It would amount, in the last analysis, to stealing. Chick. Waddayamean stealing? Didn't I clock this bird myself last summer down at Belmont Park? Dick. No doubt you did. Chick. Well, it ain't up to me to tip off the bookies is it? Dick. Come here, Chick. (Chick does so) Sit down. Now I'm going to read you a lecture in ethics. Chick. In what? Dick. Well never mind, just listen. Now money you know is a means we have of expressing value. Chick. Ahuh. Dick. And value is created either by a service per- formed or by production. For instance, when you were head rubber under Tom Sheldon at college you were per- forming a service and entitled to a fair recompense. Chick. I got eighty a month. Dick. Very good. Now you've got the idea that money should be considered only as a reward for production or labor. Chick. Say, what's this got to do with my twenty to one shot? Dick. Wait a minute and you will see. Now when you talk of a twenty to one shot you mean that you are pre- pared to back your opinion of the relative speed of a horse against the concerted opinion of the book-makers. Chick. Snow some more, I don't get your drift. Dick. And when you do that you are rendering no service nor are you producing anything. In short you are The Conquest of Helen 13 contributing nothing to the cause of humanity. If you win you come into possession of money to which you have no right, which you haven't earned or in other words, you are stealing it by a process within the law. Chick. Say Dick, you ain't sick or nothing are you? Dick. No, I feel first rate thank you. Chick. You ain't had brain fever, or Dick. You make me sick. Your head reminds me of a dollar bill — one bone. All that lecture gone to waste! Chick. But looka here Dick, you're missin' the chance of your life I tell you. Dick. Can't you understand English? Put up your sail and steer for the shore. Chick. Gee, I almost forgot the most important part of it. Remember Bud Lewis who usta play full-back? Dick. Remember Bud Lewis! Well I guess I do. Chick. Well turn on the weeps Dick and get out the sponge, I'm gonna shoot a sad tale. Bud's had hard luck. In the first place he got married. Dick. Bud married? Chick. Yes, and he's got a kid too. Well, Bud got a job as a news-hound on some paper here in New York and he was just scratchin' out enough to keep the wolf in the menagerie. One wet night he goes out to some big fire and gits soaked to the skin. He gotta bad cold, was sick for two months and lost his job. Now the doctor says it's either a trip to the West or the undertaker's for poor Bud. Dick. Great Scott, Chick, you don't mean it. Chick. It's tough Dick ain't it? I saw him the other night and believe me, the poor kid is down and out. He's too proud to make a touch, so little Chick says to hisself "I'll stake Bud to a ticket for him and the family if I bust." But how'm I gonna do it. Look! (Pulls out watch- chain on which there is no watch and twirls it around) Soaked away Dick. (Pulls out trouser pockets to show that they are empty) Empty! I ain't got a jitney. If autos was sellin' for a dollar I couldn't buy the echo of the horn. Dick. Here, I've got a hundred or so, take this! (Puts hand in pocket) Chick. What good is a hundred gonna do him? Figure 14 The Conquest of Helen it out for yourself Dick. There's three of them and he needs some pin money after he gets there, don't he? Gimme that century spot Dick and I'll make enough to send the whole Salvation Army out West. Dick. So that's your game is it? You're a foxy little fellow, aren't you? Chick. Don't kid me now Dick. Dick. Is that true about Bud Lewis or were you just Chick. Hope to die if it ain't the truth. If you don't believe it I'll take you to him any time you say. Listen Dick, I clocked this pony down at Belmont last Spring and she did a mile in 1.39. Ooh she's a pippin. Why she runs so fast that when you stand behind her you see her heels so much you think she's lyin' down. You know her, or you know her mother. It's Bluebell's colt, King Richard is the sire. Dick (repeating in a dazed fashion). Bluebell — King Richard ! Chick. Yes and she can beat her whole family. Dick. If she can she must be a wonder. Chick. She is Dick, she is. They ain't never had the blanket off her yet but she comes out today down at Juarez in the mornin' races. Why, I near threw a fit when I sees that and me stranded without a penny. She'll go to the post at twenty to one. Dick. Don't tempt me I tell you, don't tempt me. Chick. For the love of Mike slip me the roll. Mc- Laughlin's pool-room is right next door and I can get a bet down in two minutes. Dick. What's her name? Chick. Helen of Troy. Dick. Helen! By Jove it's a hunch if there ever was one. (Takes Chick by lapels of his coat) Now listen to me. If that story you told me about Bud Lewis is a fake you'll sleep with a lily in your hand tonight. Chick. I tell you it's on the level Dick. After we clean up you can hand him the money yourself. Dick. Very well, I believe you and in this case the end will have to justify the means. Now you get your bet down and stick around in McLaughlin's for the results. The Conquest of Helen 15 If you win take my share and give it to Bud Lewis but don't you dare mention my name. Chick. Nix on that, we go fifty-fifty on Bud's bit. Dick. Do as I tell you and don't talk back. Give him my share and keep your end for yourself. If you lose — well don't come back. Chick. We can't lose I told you didn't I? (Extends hand) Put it there Dick, I knew you had some sporting blood left in you even when you were pull in' that trick chin music about oothics. Dick. Oothics! ENTER d. l. Helen, unobserved by either Dick or Chick. Chick. Sure you know that stuff you was tellin' me. Dick (laughs). Oh you mean ethics. Here (Produces money) here's a hundred cold hard dollars earned by the sweat of my brow. Take them and put them on your old horse. I'll meet you down in the lobby when you get back. Chick. I'm on my way. (Starts for d. c.) Dick. Good-bye Chick, and remember if Helen doesn't do the trick it will look pretty dark for a certain young man. (Helen is puzzled) Chick. She'll do it Dick, don't you fret. Dick. Oh, by the way, I meant to tell you to save enough out of that hundred to buy a gun and in case your sure thing loses, stop off on the way back and blow your fool head off. Helen (aloud). Mercy! Dick. Oh I beg your pardon, I didn't know you were here. Helen. You surely weren't advising your friend to commit suicide. Dick. You're a trifle too literal I fear. (Smiles) Chick. Aw he was only kiddin' me. (Aside to Dick) Swell chicken that Dick! Dick. I was just suggesting a course of action to my friend here — by the way, allow me to present Mr. O'Con- nor (Aside to Chick) Take off your hat. (Chick does so) Chick this is Miss Sutherland. 16 The Conquest of Helen Helen. How do you do Mr. O'Connor. Chick. Same to you. Dick. My friend Mr. O'Connor is an aviator. Helen. Oh how interesting. Dick. But as you observe he is not flying very fast just now. In fact he seems anchored. (Aside to Chick) Get out! Chick. What's the idea. Dick. Yes, Mr. O'Connor is up in the air most of the time and he generally takes his friends up with him. He's just had me up — in fact I haven't landed yet. I expect to get a severe jolt when I do. Helen. Oh dear, I'm afraid I don't understand. Dick. Well never mind. Chick is leaving now. (Chick does not move. Louder) I said Chick is leaving now. Chick. Oh yeah, I gotta beat it. Dick (very quickly). Well so long, Chick. Chick. So long folks, see you when I get back. (Starts towards d. c, but comes back and walks around a chair) Dick. What are you parading for, it isn't the 17th of March? Chick. That's for luck Dick. So long. [EXIT d. c. Helen (after door is closed) . Now that your friend has gone surely you won't lose any time in changing your room. Dick. Have no fear Miss Sutherland, I won't lose a minute. Helen. Thank you so much, I've been dreadfully wor- ried. Dick. You needn't worry, I've fixed the maid. Helen. Are you sure she won't talk? Dick. No, I'm not sure. She's a daughter of Eve, you know. Helen. Oh yes, I suppose it is over all the hotel by this time. Dick. Oh why look on the darkest side of it? ENTER d. c. Bridget, greatly excited. Bridget. He's comin' ma'am and I wanted to be after tellin' vou it wasn't me as told him. The Conquest of Helen 17 Helen. Who is coming? Bridget. Mr. Smith the manager ma'am. He's awful mad but it wasn't me ma'am, I never told him a word. I didn't even see him. Dick. What does he want? Bridget. Sure I — er I — oh I don't know sir, but he's awful mad but I didn't breathe a word sir. Not a word. Helen. There you see? I told you so. It will ruin me. Oh what can a helpless woman do against odds like these? Dick (tenderly). Let me help you — I'd be only too glad. Helen. What can you do? Dick. A great deal more than you think. (Knock heard d. c.) Bridget. There he be now ma'am. Helen (to Dick). Oh go, please go! Dick. I'll go, but if you need me just say the word for I'll be right here and listening. [EXIT d. r. Bridget goes to d. c, opens it and admits Mr. Smith Smith (crisply). Good morning Miss Sutherland. Helen. Good morning, you wish to see me? Smith. I do. Miss Sutherland I have a rather delicate duty to perform. Helen. Yes? Smith. There are ugly rumors among the servants which have been brought to my attention. Bridget. It wasn't me as told him ma'am, I never said a word except to Lizzie McCarthy. Smith (sharply). You may go! Bridget. Yes sir. (Starts toward door, but being loathe to leave, is very slow in going out. Smith waits a short while then turns suddenly) Smith. I said you may go! Bridget (scurrying out). Yes sir, I've went sir. [EXIT d. c. Smith. Now Miss Sutherland, as I was saying, there have been some rumors and it is my painful duty to ask you for an explanation. 18 The Conquest of Helen Helen (coldly). I know of nothing which calls for an explanation. Smith. You mean that you know nothing of the pres- ence in these rooms of a Mr. Helen (breaking in very quickly). Yes I do and I know that it was a stupid mistake of your clerks. It has caused me no end of annoyance and it is I who demand an ex- planation sir! Smith (suavely). Of course Miss Sutherland we are always willing to stand behind any mistake our clerks may make. Now what mistake do you mean? Helen. The mistake of putting that man in Miss Colby's room last night. Smith. Then you admit his presence there? Helen. Admit it! Of course I do. Is this a third degree to which I am being subjected? Smith. Not at all Miss Sutherland, but I am sure you will realize the urgent necessity of getting to the bottom of this matter and if I seem to question you unduly I am sorry. Helen. Very well, but you haven't yet told me why he was allowed to take that room. Smith. For the very good reason that as far as we know he was not allowed to take it. Helen. Then how did he get in there? Smith. How indeed? (Insinuatingly) Helen. You mean that you are sure he was not taken to that room by mistake? Smith. I certainly do. You remember that Miss Colby's room is connected to the room beyond by a door. Well it was to that next room he was taken. I might add that he was assigned to that room at his own request after he had inquired the location of your suite. Helen. What! (Smith nods silently). But that door to the next room was always kept locked. Smith. So we thought. Helen. Then how was it opened? Smith. That is for you to answer. Helen (quickly) . You mean you think I Smith. I mean that you must explain this occurrence to our satisfaction or leave the hotel. The Conquest of Helen 19 Helen (sinking into chair and covering her face with her hands). Oh how can you! ENTER d. r. Dick. He closes door behind him and stands regarding Smith with a menacing stare. Dick. Out West where I come from they shoot a man for less than that. Smith. Oh you are still here? Dick. Yes and I'm going to stay here, you impertinent cad! Smith (brusquely). I'm sorry if my methods displease you. We are not out West now you know. We are in New York and you are dealing with a New York man. Dick. You call yourself a man? Why you — well never mind but you can thank the presence of this lady for the fact that you will leave here with a whole skin. Smith. Really my dear sir, your threats are quite out of place. Dick. You listen to me and don't you let a word of this get by. Miss Sutherland and myself were married last night! Smith. Married! (Helen is astonished) Dick. Yes, but for reasons of our own, that fact must not be made public for the present. And now you will have to answer to me for the insults to which my wife has been subjected. Smith. Oh I hope you will pardon Dick. And if by the way you want me to prove my assertion Smith. Oh no I am quite satisfied I assure you. Dick. Well that's more than I am. Why I have half a mind to (Makes a suggestive movement toward his hip pocket and calmly produces handkerchief which he brushes across his lips. Smith cowers before him) call up my lawyers this minute. Smith. Oh I wouldn't do that sir. Dick. You run back to your office and get down on your knees and pray the good Lord please that we won't sue you for slander. Smith. Oh I hope not sir. If a written apology will help we'll be only too glad to 20 The Conquest of Helen Dick. Oh get out of here, your face makes me mad. (Smith turns quickly and EXIT d. c. Dick looking after him) . The good old American game of bluff. Helen (rapturously). Oh you were splendid, I don't know what I should have done without you. Dick. Well I got you into it and the least I can do is to help you out of it. Helen (to audience). I almost wish it were true. (To Dick) But you have told him a falsehood, and he will soon find out that he has been deceived. Dick (goes to her). Before he gets up enough courage to investigate and find out — it will be true. Helen. What! Dick. Please don't be alarmed, I know I am taking a lot for granted. Helen (to audience). Isn't he fine and manly? (To Dick) But I don't even know who you are. Don't you think it rather out of place to suggest marriage to me? Dick. Will you let me tell you a story — a true story? You will know a good deal more when I have finished. Helen. Very well, what is it? Dick. Once upon a time Helen. But you are beginning like a fairy story. Dick. Well it is a fairy story — my fairy story — but true nevertheless. Helen. Go on. Dick. Once upon a time there was a fellow who lived way out West and let's call him Dick. Now one of Dick's best friends was an old gentleman whom we shall call — just plain Daddy. That was the name by which Dick knew him. When Dick was a kid Daddy used to ride him on his knee and was just like Dick's father would have been had he lived. When Dick grew up and went to college it was Daddy who taught him the difference be- tween a real college education and a four year course in cheer leading. When Dick came home it was Daddy who set him up in business and showed him the way to go, in short they were boon companions. Daddy was never Dick's legal guardian but he was everything but that. Now Daddy had a niece — a girl who was the least bit — er — ■ high minded and — er — The Conquest of Helen 21 Helen. Uppish? Dick. Uppish, that is the very word. Helen. Yes, go on. Dick. And this niece was a — singer. Helen. A singer? (She is beginning to understand and is ill at ease) Dick. Yes and she and Daddy didn't quite pull to- gether especially after the niece became entirely engrossed in her career. Daddy was very much opposed to her pro- fessional activities and so they drifted apart. There came a time, however, when the niece was to sing in the very Western city where Daddy and Dick lived and although Daddy wouldn't admit it he was really very fond of his talented niece. So he and Dick went to hear her sing. It was a great day in Dick's life and he retains only a hazy recollection of the minor details. All he can remember is a hall crowded with people and then a beautiful fairy princess who was wafted out before his eyes on a zephyr of music. She sang and oh, it was heavenly. It seemed as though she was a creature from another and more beautiful world. Then the people all began to clap and suddenly Dick realized that she wasn't a fairy at all but a real live girl of flesh and blood just within reach of his ENTER d. c. Chick hurriedly. Chick. Hey Dick we won, we won. Mitt me kid, mitt me! Dick (disgusted, takes him by collar and leads him for- cibly to d. a). Stay out there until you cool off. Don't come in here again or I'll use the fire extinguisher on you. Chick. But Dick we won I tell you. Can'tcha hear me? Dick. Get out! (Pushes him out d. c, and closes door) Chick (putting his head in). Hey Dick what's the idea? (Dick picks up book and throws it at him. Chick dodges and closes door) Dick (to Helen). Need I say more? Helen (grimly). No, I think I see it all. Dick. You are the fairy princess and I am Dick — Dick Carroll. I begged, I pleaded with your uncle to let 22 The Conquest of Helen me meet you but he refused — said you would never even consider me until you had tired of your career and he was in hopes that he could get you to give that up first. Chick (opening door). Hey Dick I'm cool now. Dick (reaching for another book) . Say if you don't get out and stay out — (Chick quickly withdraws and closes door. To Helen) Finally after nearly three months he saw I was in earnest and not to be denied. We were just about to start East to you when he was taken sick. You know the rest. He left that provision in his will without my knowledge, thinking that it would help matters, I sup- pose. Don't you see? Helen. Yes, I see. I see that it is all a plot of yours to get your share of the estate. How do I know your story is true? How do I know it isn't just a part of your plot? Dick. But it isn't. I don't want the money, I want you. Helen. Then why did you seek to compromise me by forcing your way into my rooms? And why did you say to your friend that it would go pretty badly with you if I refused to marry you? Dick. Why, I never said that. Helen. Yes you did, I heard you myself. ENTER d. c. Chick. Chick. Don't put me out Dick, don't do it. I gotta show you this roll before it strangles me. Look at it, look at it! (Displays roll of money) Two thousand Dick, and all done on a century spot. Dick, it's the softest thing I ever played. Here's your hundred. (Hands him bill) Helen. Aha, you've been betting, have you. Chick. Gee whiz, Dick, it sounds like you was married. Helen. I suppose you know of the clause in the will in reference to gambling. Dick. That doesn't mean what you think it does. Helen. Just the same the tables are turned. You thought to scare me into marrying you did you? Well I shan't do it and what's more, I shall see that you don't touch a penny of my uncle's money. Dick. I don't care a hang about the money I told you. The Conquest of Helen 23 Helen. Oh no. (Mockingly quotes him) " Remember if Helen doesn't do the trick it will look pretty dark for a certain young man." What about that sir? Dick. I can explain all that if you will only listen. Helen. No thank you I've had quite enough of your explanations. Chick. What's the row Dick, give us an earful. Dick. I admit it looks pretty bad for me but if you will only give me a chance I can explain everything. Helen. No doubt you are good at explanations, but I don't intend to listen to you. Chick. Gee, she's mad, ain't she? Helen. Yes I am and you had better get out of here this instant before I call the police. Chick. Say now looka here, the cops ain't got nothin' on yours truly. Dick (taking him by the arm). Come Chick let's go. Chick. Not on your life, I'm just gettin' wise to the lay of the land. It's about the bet, ain't it Dick? Dick. That's a small part of it, yes. Chick. Gee I'm sorry Dick. Dick. Never mind Chick you meant well. Chick. I'm so mad at myself I'd bite my fingers off if I wasn't afraid of gettin' the hydrophoby. Dick (to Helen) . Perhaps at another time you will see fit to let me explain. Helen. You can do your explaining to the manager and so clear my name. If you don't you will have the police to deal with. Chick. Now she's callin' out the reserves. Dick. Then you are determined not to listen to me? Helen. I certainly am. Dick (quietly). Come on Chick. (Starts for d. c.) Chick. No siree. I got you into this and I'm gonna get you out. You just wait outside for me. Dick. Come on, it's no use. Chick. Well I'm gonna take a chance. You beat it. [EXIT Dick, d. c. Chick. Say you oughtn't hand Dick a deal like that. Shuffle 'em over again and give him a new deal. Helen. So you are fighting his battles for him are you? 24 The Conquest of Helen Chick. I know I ain't got no license to butt into this, but Dick's an old pal of mine and I hate to see you treat him like that. Besides it was all my fault he made that bet. Helen. That doesn't interest me. Chick. Yes it does and I'm gonna do my explainin' right here. When I tipped Dick off on this pony he couldn't see it with a telescope and told me to brush by. I wouldn't do it though, and I stuck around. But he couldn't see this thing no how until I told him about one of the boys from college who was down and out and needed a few dollars to help him take himself and the family out West where he will have a chance. Every penny Dick won goes to Bud Lewis, every penny of Dick's thousand. Helen. That is nothing to me, and besides how do I know you are telling the truth? Chick. I am, honest to goodness. Give me a chance and I'll prove it to you. Helen. But why did he tell you that it would be bad for him if I refused to marry him? Chick. Not me. He never said that to me. Helen. Why, I heard him tell you that in this very room, just before you left. Chick. Can't be lady ; I got on the same ears I had then, and I tell you I didn't hear him say that. Helen. Why do you persist in telling me that black is white? I guess I can understand English. Chick (suddenly). Say, is your name Helen? (Helen nods "yes") Now I gotcha. He was talkin' about this pony. Helen of Troy is the horse that turned this trick. (Slaps pocket) He meant it would look bad for me cause I made him put up the hundred. Helen. You are sure of that? Chick. Sure of it? Say you don't wanna believe nothin' do you? Do me a favor and put on your hat and come with me, will you? Helen. Where? Chick. Down to McLaughlin's. It's right next door. Ask them what horse Chick O'Connor cleaned up on. Helen. No thank you, I believe you now. The Conquest of Helen 25 Chick. Take it from me lady, he ain't after your money.' Dick don't need money, and if he did, he ain't the kind to take it from a lady. Helen. But you don't seem to understand. Mr. Car- roll is to inherit half of my uncle's estate on the condition that he marries me. Chick. Whew! So that's the game is it! Well, believe me, Dick is one grand little fellow and you want to think twice before you give him the go-bye. Helen. But he forced his way into my rooms and then tried to take advantage of his presence here to make me marry him. Chick. Well now you got me out where I don't know the streets, but take it from me, if you're trying to tack any shady trick on Dick you're way off. Dick wouldn't pull anything that wasn't right. I knew him for four years at college when I was on the trainin' squad, and he's the squarest guy I ever met. Helen (to audience) . Oh dear I don't know whether to believe him or not. Chick. He was popular at college too and say, the girls used to play him strong, but he never fell for them. After the big game in 1912 he had to wear his hat whenever he went to a dance. Helen. Wear his hat? Chick. Sure, the girls all wanted a lock of his hair and he would have been bald in five minutes if they ever got him. That's how popular he was. And say, lemme tell you, you don't hate Dick near so much as you think you do. Nobody never pinned a medal on me for a fortune teller but I know that when a girl pans a fellow like you did, when somebody else is around, it means that she would be just the opposite if she was alone with him. Helen. Well perhaps I was a bit hasty, but I fail to see how he can explain coming into my rooms. ENTER d. c. Bridget. Bridget. I wanted to be after tellin' you ma'am about me leavin' the dure open. Helen. What door? 26 The Conquest of Helen Bridget. The door in Miss Colby's room ma'am. I was after goin' out that way yesterday ma'am and* I just remembered I didn't lock the door and I thought as how maybe the gentleman came in that way. Chick. Didn't I tell you, didn't I tell you? (To Beidget) You're all right kid, you're there. Helen. I hardly know what to think or what to believe. Chick. Well let me call Dick back and he can tell you the answer. Helen. Oh I couldn't, after all I've said. Chick. Go on now, let me call him back or I'll — I'll tear up the carpet, (goes to d. c, opens it and looks out) There he is standing out there waiting for one of the elevators to fall on him. (Calls) Hey Dick, she says come on back, she's gonna give you a new deal. Helen. No — no I didn't. ENTER d. c. Dick, and stands just inside door. Chick (to Bridget). Say, do you ever go to the movies, kid? Bridget. I do when I'm took. Chick. Well come on, I'll "took" you. [EXIT d. c. with Bridget Dick (quietly). You sent for me? Helen. I thought that after all it was only fair to give you a chance to explain. Dick. I knew you would. Helen. Why did you ask to be put in the room next to mine and how did you get in there? (Points r.) Dick. I didn't ask for the room next to yours, I merely asked to be put on this floor. I wanted to be near you. As I was strolling through the lobby last night I met an old friend I hadn't seen in years and we came up to my room and talked over old times till three o'clock this morn- ing. It was too late for my friend to go home so I 'phoned the clerk that he would stay all night and that I would use the next room, the door of which was wide open. He used my room and I came in there (Points r.) Helen. Bridget left the door open. Dick. This morning as I was dressing, I heard you tell The Conquest of Helen 27 the maid about me and when you said that you would re- fuse to see me I determined to use a little strategy, and — I did. Helen. But the gambling? Dick. That's easy. When your uncle was a young man and after he had accumulated a fair sized fortune, he lost it all gambling in Wall Street. He went West, made a new start and was successful, as you know, but he never got over that Wall Street experience. The mere mention of gambling would cause him to rave. I have never gambled to any extent but once or twice at college I did indulge a bit. He heard of it and I don't think he ever forgave me. Hence the clause in the will. Helen {after a pause) . And was my singing really what you said it was? Dick. It was heavenly and more. There's only one thing I like more than your voice. Helen. And that? Dick. Is you. (He attempts to take her in his arms but she eludes him) Dick (taking ring from pocket) . Will you take this now or — or later? Helen. Then you are sure that I will take it? Dick. Well you will, won't you? ENTER d. c. Chick and Bridget. Chick. Don't blame me Dick, it ain't my fault. (Points to Bridget) She wouldn't leave till she found out how you made out. Is it all right now? Dick. It would have been if you hadn't butted in. Chick. Good for you. Did you hear that, Bridget Murphy? Say Dick I've been doin' a little fixin' on my own hook, I have. Ain't I Bridget? Bridget (shyly). Ye have that. Chick. Bridget says she'd be just tickled foolish to have a steady with a thousand dollars in the bank. Dick. Chick you don't mean to say that you are going to put that money in the bank. Chick. Surest thing you know Dick. Ain't I Bridget? Bridget. Indade yer are. 28 The Conquest of Helen Chick. Yes sir I'm off the ponies for good and all. I'm going to find a bank with an honest faced cashier who loves his mother, and salt this roll away. (Slaps pocket) There it is, you can't hear it rattle but it's there. Dick. Buy a Flivver if you want to hear it rattle. Chick. No sir, that'll be for furniture, won't it Bridget? Bridget. This is so suddint like I hardly know what to say. Chick. She's all right cause her name is Murphy. Never knew anybody by that name who wasn't O. K. Dick. Well Chick, I hope you will prove a very steady steady, and good luck to you both. Chick. Same to you Dick and many of them — you know. Give us an invite to the weddin'. We want to be in at the finish, don't we Bridget? Bridget. Ssh. I ain't got a dress what's good enough. Chick. Well ain't I got the thousand? Come on. This ain't no place for us. (Starts toward d. c.) Dick. So-long Chick. Helen. Good-bye Mr. Chick. Chick. So long folks. Don't forget that invite. [EXIT d. c. with Bridget. Dick, (follows them to door and after carefully closing it returns to Helen and stands beside her for an instant in an undecided manner) . Seems to be catching, don't you think? Helen. Yes. Dick (proffering ring). And if you'll take this ring I know something else that will be catching. Helen. What? Dick (clasping her in his arms) . My arms. QUICK CURTAIN MILITARY PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH BY THE ENEMY'S HAND. 4 Acts; 2 hours 30 4 EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 10 4 PRISONER OF ANDERSONVILLE. 4 Acts; 2J4 hours.. 10 4 CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; \y 2 hours 9 6 ISABEL, THE PEARL, OF CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours 9 3 LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hour's; 1 Stage Setting 4 4 BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. 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