Commuters SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th St., New York THE COMMUTERS A Comedy in Four Acts BY JAMES FORBES Copyright, I9I0, by JAMES FORBES Copyright, 1916. by JAMES FORBES ALL EIGHTS KESERVED. CAUTION. — All persons are hereby warned that "The Commuters," being fully protected under the copy- right laws of the United States, is subject to royalty, and anyone presenting the play without the consent of the owner or his authorized agents will be liable to the penalties by law provided. Application for amateur rights must be made to Samuel Fbench, 28-30 West 38th Street New York. Application for the professional rights must be made to the American Play Compant, 33 West 42nd Street, New York. . , „ NEW YORK SAMUEL FRENCH PUBLISHER 28-30 WEST 38TH STREET LONDON SAMUEL FRENCH. Ltd. 26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET STRAND Especial notice should be taken that the possession of this book witliout a valid contract for pi'oduction first havinn; been obtained from the publisher, confers no right or license to professionals or amateurs to produce tlie play publicly or in private for gain or charity. In its present form this play is dedicated to the reading public only, and no performance of it may be given, except by special arrangement with Samuel French. SECTION 28.— That any person who wilfully or for profit shall infringe any copyright secured by this act, or who shall knowingly and wilfully aid or abet such infringment, shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction thereof shall be punislied by im- prisonment for not exceeding one year, or by a fine of not less than one himdred dollars nor more than one thousand dollars, or both, in the discretion of the court. Act of March 4, 1909. ©CI.D 46125 FEB -9 1917 THE COMMUTERS. Originally produced at the Criterion Theatre. New York, August 15th, 191 1. With the following cast: NOTE : — The characters are arranged in the order in which they first speak. Larry Brice 0:rin Johnson Hetty Brice May De Soitsa Carrie Georgie Lazvrence Mrs. Graham Mrs. Pauline Duffield Mr. Rolliston George Sonle Spencer Mr. Colton John Gnmberland Mr. Applebee E. Y. Backus Sammy Fletcher Taylor Holmes Mrs. Julia Stickney Crane. . .Maude Knowlton Mrs. Colton Amy Lesser Mrs. Shipman. Jsahelle Fenton Mrs Applebee Adelyn Wesley Mrs. Rolliston Lillian Thnrgate Barnes = .E. Y. Backus SYNOPSIS OF SCENES. Act I. Dining-room of the Brice home. Sat- urday morning 7: i"^. Act H. Living-room of the Brice home. Late afternoon of the same day. Act hi. Same as Act IL 2 A. M. Act IV. Veranda of the Brice home. Sunday morning. Time : — The present. Place: — A suburb of Nezv York City THE COMMUTERS ACT I. Scene: — The dining-room of the Brice home. It is a square room. The walls are panelled to a height of six feet zvith ivhite painted zvood. Above the panelling is a frieze of green and white floivered zvall paper. At about r. i e. is a szving door to the kitchen, the backing for this door shozving a wainscot of blue and white tile and yellow plaster zvalls. y4f r. 3 e. is a high casement zvindozv through which is shown an exterior backing in keeping with the drop. The valence and curtains on this zvindow are of green linen. On the sill are pots of blooming plants. Underneath the zvindozv is a mahogany sideboard. On either end of it are silver candelabra, in the center are various pieces of silver such as a tea set, cake dishes, compotes, decanters, peppers and salts, a muffinier, and a silver cigarette box for cigarettes. Between the sideboard and the door at r. i e. is a small stand zvith telephone and a chair. At the rear of the stage are double French windozvs, recessed, and opening off stage, showing a green and zvhite trellised fence covered with pink Rambler roses. Back of this is a drop representing the tree shaded lawns bordering a typical suburban street. In the recess of the windozvs is a plat- form raised one step from the stage. On each end of this platform is a flower stand filled with plants in bloom. Built in the fiat back r. 5 6 THE COMMUTERS. and L. of these windows are practical cabinets with glass doors. On their shelves an assort- ment of glasses and gaily decorated china. AtL.2E. leading into the living-room are double glass doors. Two chairs are placed against the ivall above these doors and two below them. At center is a round mahogany table on which is a lace center-piece and a glass bowl of flowers. There is a chair l. of table and one r. of it. All the chairs are of mahogany, alike in design with the seats upholstered in green linen. Simple electric brackets with shades are on the avails L. and R. Before the curtains rises an alarm, clock is heard off-stage l. The curtain rises on an empty stage flooded with early morning light streaming through the case- ment window. (Enter Larry Brice, carrying alarm-clock. It is ringing. He shakes it furiously.) Larry. Oh, keep quiet, will you. (Calls) Hetty ! Hetty ! Hetty. (Entering r. with Herald and World) Oh, Larry you're awake at last, are you? Larry. Fine chance I'd have to sleep with this burglar-alarm having hysterics. How do you fix the thing ? Hetty. (Gives him papers; takes clock, turns off alarm) I thought that one would get you up. It's a new one I bought yesterday. They call it the Commuter's Joy. Larry. The old one was joy enough. (Lays Herald on table — keeps World) Hetty. You were so used to that one it was a regular lullaby. Larry sits l. of c. table — Hetty puts clock on sideboard r.) Now don't putter around. (Dozvn back of table — lays paper on chair R.) It's seven-fifteen. You've just thirty minutes THE COMMUTERS. 7 to catch the 7:46. (Takes flozvers to sideboard) Larry. Thirty-one minutes, pet. {Reading World) Hetty. Just when did you come home last night? (Dozvn to fable) Larry. How late did you sit up ? _ Hetty. I asked a question. (Picking up center- piece) Larry. I heard you, dear heart, about ten minutes after eleven. Hetty. You mean 10 highballs after eleven. (Hetty puts center-piece over back of chair r. and goes to sideboard r. opens drawer) Larry. Now, my dear, I was only Hetty. (Interrupting) Now don't tell me it was another impromptu alumni dinner. (Takes out table-cloth) I know that you were popular at col- lege — (Brings down table-cloth) but I never heard of any other college with so many black hand societies. (Spreading cloth) Larry. Wrong, my love — quite wrong — it was just a little party at Sammy's. Hetty, (Still spreading cloth) Sammy's! An- other party at Sammy's. I wish to heaven that Mr. Samuel Fletcher was married, although he is an awful thing to wish on any woman. (Smoothing cloth) Larry. He always speaks well of you. Hetty. He doesn't even know me. Larry. Perhaps that's the reason. Hetty. I hate a man to be funny in the morn- ing. (Picks up center-piece) The next time yea see Mr. Fletcher just tell him for me. that women would rather sit up with their husbands than for them. (Puts center-piece on cloth) Larry. Was his darling little girl lonely? Hetty. No, his darling little girl wasn't lonely. Doctor Lloyd sat up with me. Larry. He did! 8 THE COMMUTERS. Hetty. Don't worry. He won't send a bill. It was a social not a professional call. Fan Rolliston came over. She was bored to tears too— (Starts for sideboard) Larry. Why ? Hetty. Why ? ( Turns quickly and comes down R. c.) Wasn't Rolliston at Sammy Fletcher's party? Larry. Was he? You should have heard him. Hetty. (Over to r. of table) Spare me the rem- iniscences. I can see, it will be a long moist story and your train leaves at 7 : 46. Larry. (Rises) Oh, loads of time, (Puts down World on l. of table and goes up to window c.) Hetty. (Picks up Herald, puts on r. of table — picking up World and crosses to l. "c. looking at paper) You told me that Mr. Rathborne was sail- ing at ten, and that you had to see him. Larry. Oh, what's the rush. (Looks off r.) Old Shipman's on the front porch reading his paper, Hetty. What page? Larry. By his expression, I should say the death notices, (Looks again) No, it's the stock reports. Hetty. (Puts World on l. of table) One of these fine mornings this whole street will be late for business. (Goes to cabinet l, for bread-and- butter plates) Larry. Oh, nonsense — old Shippy's never been known to miss a train, he keeps better time than the town clock. Hetty. (Bringing bread-and-butter plates l. of table) You men are perfectly ridiculous, a lot of sheep. You wait for Shipman, Rolliston waits for you. Colton for Rolliston and Applebee for Colton — (Puts dotvn plates and goes back to l, cabinet for cups and saucers) Larry, (Interrupting) Just think of the sleep I miss in a year by not living further up the block. THE COMMUTERS. 9 Hetty. Oh, no, you'd stay out later. (Taking tzvo cups and saucers) Larry. {Looking dozvn at lazvn) I guess I'll have to use mange cure on this lawn. {Starfs ex- citedly) Someone's been on it. {Turns to Hetty) Were you? Hetty. (Coming down to table) I've a perfect right to, but I never even look at it. (Putting cups and saucers l.) Larry. (Coming dozvn-stage to l. c.) What's the use of my getting curvature of the spine try- ing to bring this lawn up in the way it should grow if everybody's going to walk on it. (Picks up World angrily) Hetty. It might seem sarcastic but why don't you plant a few keep-off-the-grass signs. (Laughs — goes to R. cabinet for tzvo glasses) Larry. How do you expect this grass to grow if you're going to laugh at it ? (Hetty comes dozvn to table) I wish you'd tell that maid of yours to keep off of it. Hetty, (Putting dozvn glasses r. and l.) I've given your positive instructions to Carrie. But, as she never does anything I tell her to Larry. (Interrupting) I'll talk to her, where is she? (Throzvs paper on chair l. of table) Hetty. Late as usual. (Up to r, cabinet for plates) Larry. (Dozvn l. a little) What do you ex- pect, allowing a maid to sleep at home? Hetty. It's such a relief to have a maid that T don't care where she sleeps. (Takes plates) Vd even let her sleep on the lawn. Larry. I'd like to see her try it. Why do you keep a girl who's always late? Hetty, (r. of table, placing the plates) Do you suppose I like it? (Puts dozvn first plate) I have to take what I can get in the way of servants and be thankful. (Puts dozvn second plate) Why 10 THE COMMUTERS. should you grumble? I never say anything. Al- though it is I who has to be up early every other morning in time to get breakfast — make the fires — (Starts for sideboard r.) Larry. {Interrupting) Is there any hot water? Hetty. You should have stayed at home and shaved last night. You haven't time now. {Goes to sideboard r. and gets knives, forks and spoons) Larry. I can't go into town looking like this. Hetty. {Brings down knives and forks to r. of table) The men won't mind and any woman who has to take the 7 : 46 doesn't care what any man looks like. (Larry looks at her, starts to speak then exits furiously l. Hetty watches him off laughs then begins placing the knives and forks.) Larry. {Off-stage l., very pleasantly) Good- morning, Carrie {Enter Carrie l. very leisurely, utterly undiscon- certed by the fact that she is late, that her mistress is setting the table.) Carrie. {Languidly, standing l.) Oh, ma'am, is breakfast ready? Hetty. (Sarcastically) I'm sorry it's a few moments' late. (Hetty pauses momentarily ex- pecting Carrie to come to her assistance. But Carrie is removing slozvly the hat pins from her hat. Hetty resumes laying the knives and forks, etc. Very sarcastically) Which excuse is it this morning? Is your mother ill? Did you have the toothache all night ? Did you have to get your little brother off to school? (Up to sideboard^ r. of muffinier) Carrie, No'm, I just slep* in. (Taking ofif hat) Hetty. (Back to table with muffinier) I'm THE COMMUTERS. ii sorry you didn't have time to comb your hair. {Up to cabinet r. for finger-bozvls) Carrie. Why, it took me a half hour! Don't you hke my Turban swirl? Hetty. (Coming down with finger-bowls) What's that in your hair? Carrie. That's my cap Hetty. Where are the ones I gave you ? (Plac- ing finger-bozvls l. and r.) Carrie. They ain't becomin'. Don't you like this? I think it's awful cute. It's what I used to wear at Child's. Hetty. Child's is hardly setting the fashion for Auburn Manor. {Up to sideboard for salts and peppers) Carrie. If you expect me to wear one of them with streamers, I quits. It's this or none. Hetty. We'll dispense with caps— (Coming down to table, puts salts and peppers l. and r.) Carrie. What ? Hetty. Take it off, please— — Carrie. Oh ! (Hetty goes up to r. cabinet for sugar bowl and hell.) Hetty. And while I think of it, I want you to remember that people calling at this house, com- pany, you understand, must be announced — (Comes back to table) CAittiE. (Interrupting) No one gets by me Hetty. (Putting down bowl end bell) Yester- day, while I was shampooing my hair, you showed in a strange man Carrie. (Interrupting) Well, the plumber ain't company, is he? Hetty. It doesn't matter who they are, they must be announced. 12 THE COMMUTERS. Carrie. (Glancing over table) Ain't you usin* napkins, no more ? Hetty. Thanks — {Goes to sideboard and gets napkins) And it isn't necessary for you to enter- tain my friends either. Mrs. Rolliston called the other day and when I came downstairs I found you sitting in there conversing with her. {Places napkins r. and l.) Carrie. Well, she was kickin' to me about the way maw done Mr. Rolliston's shirts. Hetty. Quite right, I must speak to your mother myself. {Starts for kitchen r.) She's using al- together too much blueing. Carrie. {Coming c. front of table) That's what I tell her. My shirtwaists is a sight. Hetty. {Stops) We won't discuss your shirt- waists. {Starts) And remember you must not talk with people when they call. {Goes a little further) Carrie. We cut maw's customers and hurt her trade. I don't want people to think I'm stuck up cause I don't chase their wash to them no more. Hetty. People, aren't thinking about you. (Hetty exits r. into kitchen) Carrie, (c. front of table) I wish I was back to " Childs'." All the customers so nice and friendly {Starts R.) Larry. {From off l.) Say, where's my shirt? Carrie. How should I know? {Over near kitchen door. Calls Mrs. Brice) Mrs. Brice, your husband's yelling for you — {Exits r.) (Hetty enters r. with two plates with fruit.) Larry. {Off "l.) Where's my tan shirt? Hetty. {Going to table and placing fruit r. and L.) Aren't you dressed yet? Larry. How can I dress without a shirt? Hetty. Where did you put it? THE COMMUTERS. 13 Larry. Where I always put it. What did you do with it? Hetty. I don't wear your clothes. Look on the back of the door. {Runs up to zviudozv) Did you find it? Larry. Yes. Hetty. You'd better hurry. {Coming dozvn to R.) Shippy has finished the fi^ont page. {Exits quickly r. Telephone rings) Carrie. {Enters zvith pitcher of zuaier. Tele- phone is ringing) Shut up. {Rings again) Oh, wait a minute. {Pouring zvater in fmger-bozvls and glasses) Give a fellow a chance. {Slams pitcher on table crosses to telephone and snatches off re- ceiver angrily) Hello, yes, this is Mr. Brice's house. Who? Mrs. Shipman's maid. Are you the new one? Going to stay? yes, Auburn Manor is awful dull. Ain't a moving pitcher show in the place. What ? you want me to tell Mr. Brice, Mr. Shipman ain't feehng well — ain't going to town to-day. Aw right. Say, what's your name? Margaret? Mine's Caroline. I've been here three days. I'll come over to-night. Yes, I'll bring my gentleman friend. Good-bye, Maggie Larry. {Off l.) Where's my coat? (Hetty enters r. zvith covered dish of toast.) Carrie. {Dozvn to her) Now he's yapping for his coat — {Exits r.) Larry. {Enters from l. zvith pair of sJioes in hand) Where's my coat? Hetty. {Puts dozvn toast) Where did j^ou have it last? Larry. {Crossing to r. of table) Wore it Thursday. I remember I took it off Thursday night when I was watering the lawn. {Sits r. of table) Hetty. Isn't it upstairs? {Going l.) / 14 THE COMMUTERS. Larry. Not unless you stuck it away somewhere. (Hetty exits l. Larry putting on shoes, tying laces) Can't put anything down in this house, somebody's always picking it up. (Carrie enters r. zvith tray with coffee, milk, and creain, places it on l. end of table) Wish my things could be left alone. {Finishing tying shoes) Carrie. 1 never touch 'em. (Exits r. with zvater- pitcher. Hetty enters l. with Larry's coat and hat — puts hat on chair above door — brings coat to him above table — he takes it) Larry. Where was it? Hetty. On the door of the coat closet. {Crosses to L. of table) Larry. You're always hanging everything up. {Throws coat on back of his chair, fixes his tie and putting in scarf-pin) This tie looks like the devil with this shirt. Hetty. {Pouring coffee) Oh, don't be fussy. Who's going to look at your tie? Hurry up and drink your cofifee. {Brings it to him front of table) Larry. I will not be hounded to death in my own house. {Snatches cup from her and places it on table — gets coat on) No eggs? {Coat half on and looking at table) Hetty. You haven't time for eggs. (Larry sits, Hetty goes up l.) Larry. Not even scrambled ? Hetty. No. (Larry sits and shoves his plate around, Hetty is looking for something.) Larry. Why don't you sit down and eat your breakfast ? Hetty. I can't eat with walking nervous pros- tration. Don't you realize your boss sailing at ten and you have to see him. Where are your shoes ? (^Looking under chairs over l.) THE COAIMUTERS. 15 Larry. I had them when I came in. {Pititbig sugar in coffee, picks up Herald. Hetty looking around for them, sees them on Lakrv) Hetty. You have them on. Larry. You get me so upset in the morning. This commuting business is wearing" me out. {Props up paper against glass) Hetty. What about me? Larry. {Sliaking sugar out of muffinier on fruit) Living out here in Yapville when v/e might be in a cozy Harlem flat having some comforts and an egg once in a while. {Slaps muffinier doivn angrily. Fixes paper against muffinier) Hetty. Who made my life miserable, wishing he had a little place with a garden? (Larry reads paper) And now that you have it {Takes up paper from chair, puts it on table) instead of planting it, you sit up all night with Sammy Fletcher sowing a lovely crop of wild oats. {Sits l. of table) {Enter Mrs. Graham, from l.) Mrs. Graham. Good-morning, children. Hetty. Good-morning. {Rises, goes to her kisses her.) Larry. {Rises) Hello, Mater — (They kiss, he gets chair from l. above door and places it for her at back of table) V-/here are you going? Mrs. Graham. To town. Hetty. What for? {Sits) Mrs. Graham. Not a thing. Just shopping. I'm going on the 7 : 46 and T tho^ig'ht I'd stop for dear Larry. {Sitting back of table, Larry takes her coat and hangs it on tlie back of her chair and goes r.) Hetty. You'd better rim right along, mother. {Gets muffinier) Larry wo-.^'X make it if he doesn't stop sulking and eat his breakfast. i6 THE COMMUTERS. Larry. (Standing r. of Mrs. Graham) I'm not sulking. Mrs. Graham. Come, come, children. Larry. Well, she won't give me any eggs. Mrs. Graham. Oh, give the boy his eggs. Hetty. (Putting muffinier dozvn) He hasn't time. Mr. Rathbone is sailing Larry. (Interrupting in sing-song voice) At ten and I must see him. (Sits r. of table. Hetty is eating fruit) Mrs. Graham. (Looking at watch) There's lots of time. (Looks at clock on sideboard) My dear, your clock's crazy. It's ten minutes fast. Larry. (Looking sternly at Hetty) Can't even keep the clock right. I might have had ten minutes more in bed. (Hetty still eating fruit) Mrs. Graham. Poor Larry. (Larry rings bell on table) Hetty. Poor Larry ! No one thinks of me. I've been up since the screech of dawn, (Carrie enters r.) Larry. (Eating fruit) Eggs? Carrie. How many? Larry. About a peck. Hetty. (Severely) How do you wish them prepared ? Larry. Fried'll do. (Looking at Carrie) Carrie. I'll slip you mine — they're frying now — (Exits r.) (Larry and Mrs. Graham laugh.) Hetty. You're spoiling Carrie. I want you to be very severe with her Carrie. (Puts her head in the door like a Child's waitress) Two on the pan, sunny side up or sunny side down? THE COAI^IUrERS. 17 Larry. What ? Carrie. Will you have 'em turned ? Larry. Rare, please (Carrie giggles and exits — Larry and Mrs. Graham laugh.) Hetty. Is that what you call being severe? You're like all the other men. They kick to their wives but haven't the moral courage to say anything to a servant. Mrs. Graham. Now, Hetty, you mustn't talk like that to Larry. The morning's no time to scold a man. Hetty. {Putting aside Jier fruit plate) There you go. What's the use of trying to train my hus- band if my own mother spoils it all by petting him? (Using finger-bowl) Mrs. Graham. Now Hetty, you know I never interfere but dear Larry has always been the best of sons to me and a good son, you know Larry. Makes a good husband — (Hands empty coffee cup to Hetty) Hetty. Tim.e was when I was of some im- portance in my own family. My feelings were con- sidered — {Pouring coffee) but, the King can do no wrong — (Passing coffee to Mrs. Graham zvlio gives it to Larry) Mother's quite riglit, of course, and I'm very, very sorry to have asked you to do what you should do without my asking. (Carrie enters quickly with covered dish of fried eggs — she places eggs near Larry, takes up his empty fruit plate — Comes back of Mrs. Graham and takes up Hetty's fruit plate and as Hetty is about to take cream pitcher Carrie pantomimes "No" and takes the pitcher.) Carrie. There's just enough cream for Mr. i8 THE COMMUTERS. Brice, (Crosses back to Larry and places it for him, smiling at him) Hetty, There was half a pint this morning. What became of it? Carrie. {Fruit plate in each hand) The cat got it. Larry. ( Who has started to pour cream — stops) Milk for mine. (Pitts it down) Carrie. What's the matter with it? Jeannette's a perfectly clean cat. (Carrie flounces out of the room R.) Hetty. I can't stand this life another minute — (Turns front in chair — begins to cry) Mrs. Graham. Why, Hetty! Hetty. This everlasting servant difficulty's, got- ten on my nerves. I guess I'm a failure at house- keeping. Larry. Well, it's taken you two years to find it out. (Puts milk in coffee) Hetty. (To Mrs. Graham) How can you sit there like a stoking bottle and hear your child abused? My failure thrown in my teeth. Larry. I didn't mean it that way. (Puts pitcher doTvn) Mrs. Graham. (Passing milk to Hetty) No, Hetty, he didn't mean it that way. Hetty. (Taking up pitcher of milk) Allow me to understand my own husband, (Puts milk in coffee) Larry. (Rising) Why you're a bully little housekeeper. Mater, haven't I always said she was a corker? Mrs. Graham. Of course, Larry, you have criticised the cooking (Larry crosses back from Mrs. Graham to her l.) Hetty. There, you see, you talk about me behind THE COMMUTERS. 19 my back to my own family and — {To Mrs. Graham) still you take his part. Mrs. Graham. Larry, do I ever show the slightest partiality ? Hetty. I'm sure I wear my fingers to the bone. {Turning front cries again) Larry, (l. of her) Dear Httle soft fingers — {Puts arm around her) Hetty. They're not. Look where I burnt myself yesterday cooking your old pudding. Larry. We'll kiss it and make it well. {Kisses her finger) ' (Mrs. Graham rises and starts to tiptoe off r.) Hetty. (Pouting) I don't care — (She sees her mother tihtoeing out of the room) Mother, what are you doinp-? Larry. Say the word. Hettv, and I'll go out and fire Carrie on the spot. (Goes hack of Hetty quickly r. c.) Hetty. And who'll do the breakfast dishes ? Mrs. Graham. (Over r.) Isn't that iust like a man ? You two finish your breakfast, I'll go out and say a few words to Carrie Hetty. Oh, mother, be careful, she'll quit if you look at her. Mrs. Graham. StuflP and nonsense' I've had twentv servants since I've lived in Auburn Manor and I've done worse than look at them. (Exits r.) (Larry returns to r. of table and sits.) Hetty. I'm sorry that I was nasty, Larry. But, oh. these servants ! Larry. (Taking eggs out of dish) Now don't jump on me, but do you think you treat them right ? 20 THE COMMUTERS. Hetty. (Angry, but controlling herself) What do you mean, dear ? Larry. You know, after all, they're human beings Hetty. {Turning and speaking quickly) I try earnestly to remember that. (Takes a piece of toast) Larry. They must lead rather lonesome lives. (Takes a piece of toast) I think you ought to take a little interest in their affairs. Be kind to them. Give them little amusements. There's something wrong somewhere. (Eating) Now, we have no trouble with our stenographers. (Fixing eggs) Hetty. Oh, so vou take a little interest in them, and give them little amusements. TLarry tries to protest with mouth full of food) Well, I can't ^o round my house making eyes at my maid, and chuck- ing her under the chin. Larry. I don't chuck my stenoo-ranher under the chin. There isn't a chin in the office v(^orth chuck- ing. (Eating again) Nice way to talk about me. You know I haven't eyes for any woman but vou. Hetty. Then why don't you stay at home and look at me? (Takes a piece of toast) Larry. Listen to her ! You'd think T neglected her. Hetty. Well, you weren't home, last night, were you ? Larry. Neither was Rolliston. Hetty. He's been married longer and it's more excusable. Larry. Fan would like to hear that. Hetty. It's Fan's aflfair, I've my own troubles. We've been out here only a year and you've stayed in town four nights. Larry. Three at the most. Hetty. Four. I counted them last night. I have them marked on the calendar. Four red letter nights. (Counting on her fingers) THE COMMUTERS. 21 Larry. (Takes tip paper and begins to read) Do you want a man to give up his men friends ? Hetty. No, but you ought to give up Sammy Fletcher. Four nights ! It's terrible. You're get- ting tired of me. {Begins to cry) Larry. (Looks at her — puts dozvn paper) Oh, Hetty, tired of you. I just live and work for you. You know that. (Rises and crosses back to her l.) Why, you're more to me than all the friends in the world. There isn't one in the whole blooming lot that matters along side of you. Hetty. Not even Sammy? Larry. Sammy to the ash-heap. Hetty, Oh, I wouldn't have you give him up for the world, only you won't see him again for a long time — will you ? Larry. Not for a month of Sundays. (Puts arm around her) ^ Hetty. Well, you're a real nice boy and you may kiss me. (Larry kisses her) RoLLiSTON. (Appears at window c.) Here, here, if you kids want to spoon, pull down the blinds. Larry. Say, get off the lawn ! (Running up to l. of c. window) RoLLisTON. Lawn : where ? Larry. You're standing on it, saphead. There are doors to this house, use them. RoLLiSTON. Oh, don't get sore about a couple of blades of grass. (He disappears around the house R.) Larry, (Calling after him) It's easy for you to talk. You haven't watched them like a father. Til nail this window — (Coming down to table) Hetty, Why, we'll smother. RoLLisTON. (Off-stage r.) Good-morning, Mrs. Graham, Mrs. Graham. (Off-stage r.) Good-morning, Mr. Rolliston. 22 THE COMMUTERS. (Larry sits r. of table.) Carrie. (Off-stage) You can't go in. You gotta to be announced. (Appears at the door, barring the entrance of Rolliston) Mr. Rolliston's call- ing. Hetty. Don't be absurd, Carrie. Come in Rollie. (Rolliston enters folloived by Mrs. Graham ivho gets chair at r. brings it down r. c. and sits.) Carrie. No matter what you do in this house, you're in bad — (Exits) Rolliston. (Runs up to window and looks off L.) I hope Fan didn't see me. Hetty. Why ? Rolliston. I started to make the 7:23, missed it. Fan said I would, so I sneaked in here by the back way. I don't want her to have the pleasure of saying, " I told you so." Hetty. You men are all alike. You'll both miss the 7 : 46 if you aren't careful. Rolliston. Oh, lots of time. Shippy is on the porch. (Looks off r.) Larry. (Takes another piece of toast) Don't mind Hetty, she's nervous this morning. Had me up ten minutes too soon. Rolliston. Grounds for a divorce. Any jury of commuters will give you a verdict. (Comes down l. and puts hat on chair l. below door l.) Hetty. Mr. Rathborn is sailing at ten and Larry must see him before he goes. (Turning to Rollis- ton) What pleasure do you men derive from run- ning for trains? Rolliston. Great for the circulation. (Larry, Rolliston and Mrs. Graham laugh.) Hetty. I don't think that's a bit funny. THE CPj\aiUTERS. 23 RoLLiSTON. What's killed your sense of humor? Hetty. Early rising. (Looks at 'Larry) Mrs. Graham. Now, Hetty. (To Rolliston) How is Mrs. Rolliston? Rolliston. Well — but some peevish. (Strok- ing his face) Hetty. I don't wonder, you staying out all night. Mrs. Graham. (Interrupting) Oh. Hetty. (To Rolliston) How is Rolliston second? (Larry and Hetty glare at Mrs. Graham.) Rolliston. Bobby? (Coming back of table) Oh, he's great. He is certainly one wonder kid. Heard his latest ? (Larry, Hetty and Mrs. Graham grow tired.) Larry. Sure, heard 'em all. Rolliston. Not this one, only happened yester- day. Larry. (Resigned) Fire away ! (Rolliston sits back of table.) Mrs. Graham. I think we should be going — (Rising quickly) Larry. (Rising, stops her, she sits oaain) Oh, mater, let him get this oPf his chest. (Goes to side- board R. for cigarette and matches) Rolliston. The kids were playing baseball. The minister passed. (He laiicjhs uproariously) That kid's a wonder — (Hetty, Mrs. Graham a7id Larry wear pained expressions) Bobby eoes up to the minister — (Rolliston laugh uproariously again. Larry interrupting) Larry. (Offering Rolliston a cigarette which he refuses with a gesture) Is this a serial? 24 THE COMMUTERS. RoLLiSTON. It's SO funny. Bobby says are you an honest man ? — and — the Mrs. Graham. (Interrupting) Why, I've never heard a word against the minister, have you Hetty ? RoLLiSTON. (Interrupting) The minister said I think I am, and Bobby said — (Rolliston laughs up- roariously, the others are still tired) And Bobby said, well, you can hold my bat while I tie my shoe. (He has spoken the answer through the laugh and it is quite unintelligible — Rolliston sees that they are not laughing and is annoyed) Hetty. We didn't get the point. Rolliston. Oh! Minister — Honest Man — well, you can hold my bat while I tie my shoe. (Laughs again) (Hetty and Larry laugh feebly, Mrs. Graham not at all.) Mrs. Graham. What a thing to say to a minister ! The crying evil of this age is the children's utter lack of reverence. Rolliston. Fan's going to send it to the Ladies Home Journal. Don't you think it's funny? (To Hetty) Minister? (To Larry) Honest Man? Larry. (Interrupting) We got you, we got you. (Sits R. of table) CoLTON. (Off-stage l.) Anybody at home? Hetty. Oh, come in, Mr. Colton. (Rises and goes to door l.) (Enter Colton. In his arms are two boxes. He bows over the top of them to everybody.) Colton. I did ring. (Hetty takes his hat and places it on chair above door L.) THE COMMUTERS. *5 Mrs. Graham. Good-morning, Mr. Colton. CoLTON. Good-morning. RoLLisTON. Hello, Colton. CoLTON. Hello, RoUie. Larry. Sit down, Willie. {He sits in chair l. of table and places the boxes on floor beside him) Colton. (To Hetty zvho is down l.) Mrs. Colton sent me over to ask if you could take the Minerva Club this afternoon? Hetty. Why, yes, if Carrie doesn't object. What's the matter? Colton. The lady we live with has left. Hetty. Not the one that came last night ? CoTON. The same — too lonesome. RoLLisTON. You ought to be more companion- able. Colton. I offered to, but Mrs. Colton couldn't see it that way. Mrs. Graham. You'd better go right to Mrs. Hackenschmidt. She's on the 6th Ave. — I think it's 629 Hetty. (Interrupting) Oh, mother, I never had any luck there. (To Colton) Go right to Ellis Island. Rolltston. (Interrupting) Try ]\Irs. Polk's Select Domestic Bureau up on 59th Street near the Park. Reduced Gentlewomen. Occasionally you'll meet an interesting Southern widow. {Exchange of looks betzveen Mrs. Graham and Hetty.) Colton. (Takes out notebook) I'll make a note of Mrs. Polk's. (Drops samples on fable) RoLLiSTON. (Snatches samples and holding them tip) Larry wouldn't you know he hadn't been married a month ? Samples to match. (Colton reaches for them and snatches them out of his hand.) 26 THE COMMUTERS. Larry. Can't you see him. " Say, Miss, I want some heliotrope lace on the bias. Gimme enough to trim a waist." Mrs. Graham. (Laughing) Larry behave. RoLLiSTON. What's in the package? Larry. {Rising and looking at package) I'll bet he's going to exchange something. CoLTON. I am not — only going to credit a pair of slippers and a shirt waist. (Larry and Rolliston laugh uproariously. Larry sits.) Hetty. (Coming above Colton and between CoLTON and Rolltston) It wouldn't hurt either of you to be as obliging. (To Colton) Will you 'phone Mrs. Crane about the club? Colton. Yes, I'll attend to it. (Writes in note- book) Larry. I can see this is going to be your busy day. Hetty. (Comes over to Mrs. Graham on her L.) Well I must go out and break it gently to Car- rie that I'm going to have a party. Mother will come with me. I need your moral support in this crisis. (Mrs. Graham rises — goes r. Hetty puts Mrs. Graham's chair against wall r.) Rolliston. Who's Mrs. Crane when she's at home? Mrs. Graham. Mrs. Julia Stickney Crane, a most enlightened woman. She gives us the most in- structive little talks on Shaw and Ibsen and Henry James and all those funny men. Larry. Highbrow stuff. Hetty (l. of mother) Don't let them tease you, mother. Of course our literary pursuits must THE COMMUTERS. 27 seem tame to graduates of Sammy Fletcher's night school for husbands, CoLTON. What's that ? Sounds good to me. RoLLiSTON. You're elected. Hetty. Poor Mrs. Colton ! RoLLiSTON. Come now, Hetty, all is not frivolity at our night school. You should have heard Larry last night. Hetty. I did at 2 A. M. Larry. You were fast asleep. RoLLisTON. We had some debate. Larry, for conjugal bliss and commuting versus. Sammy for bachelor flats and taxicabs. Larry offered to prove his case by bringing Sammy out to spend the day. (Mrs. Graham exits r.) Why Hetty. (Interrupting) What! Mr. Samuel Fletcher spend a day in my house. No, thank you. I've had all I want of your Sammy. (Exits r.) RoLLiSTON. Say, Larry, what did you do with him? Larry. What him? RoLLisTON. Sammy ? Larry. Sammy ? RoLLisTON. Why, you brought Sammy out here last night. Larry. Oh, what are you talking about ? RoLLiSTON. I tell you, you and Sammy were soused to the eyebrows and you insisted on Sammy coming out to sample the commuter's life. Larry, Are you crazy? RoLLisTON. I left you last night at your front gate. You were showing Sammy the lawn. Oh, Colton, they were immense. Larry. (Rising quickly and pointing off l.) Good Lord ! He's upstairs in the spare room, now. RoLLiSTON, How did Hetty take it? Larry. She doesn't know. I forgot all about him. I must have been pickled. I've got to get him out of here quick. (Crosses quickly L.) 28 THE COMMUTERS. RoLLiSTON. Here! You better stay home to- day and square yourself. Larry. I can't. Rathbone's sailing at ten and if I miss that boat I'll lose my meal ticket. What in blazes can I do? RoLLisTON. Break it to her gently. Larry. {Crosses to him) Break it to her gently ! You heard her when you merely suggested his coming. What will she say if she knows he's here uninvited ? ( Goes l. ) RoLLiSTON. Of course, you know your own wife best. But if it were me I'd tell her. Larry. {Standing l. c.) And lose my happy home? {Goes to Rolliston) I've just promised her I wouldn't see him for months. {Back l. c. again ) CoLTON. And he's upstairs? {Screams with laughter) Larry. Funny, isn't it? Rolliston. It is, damn funny — {Laughs) Larry. Don't sit here and laugh. I tell you I've got to get Sammy out of here. Hetty might see him. How can I get her out of the house? CoLTON. Suggest that she go over and tell Mrs. Colt on it's all right about Minerva. Larry. One on the brow for you. {Kisses his hand and slaps Colton on forehead) Rolliston. Think of that for a young husband new at the game ! Shake. (CoLTON and Rolliston shake.) Larry. {Between Rolliston and Colton) Now, business of conversation and hearty laughter while I chase upstairs. {Starts for door l.) Rolliston. I'll tell him Bobby's new story. CoLTON. Let me go upstairs — {Rises quickly and starts to run off) Larry. {Stopping him and pushing him back THE COMMUTERS. 29 hito chair) It is awful, Colton. Do this for me and I'll remember you in my prayers. (Starts for door again) Hetty. (Entering quickly from r.) Where are you going, Larry? Larry. (Confused) I've got to get a handker- chief. Hetty. Finish your coflfee. I'll get it. (Crosses quickly l.) Larry. (Rushes at her. Stops her) Oh, no, you've been up so early. You must be tired. _ Hetty. (Suspiciously) Why this sudden con- sideration ? What have you been doing ? Larry. Oh, nothing, nothing — (Brings chair and places it l. c.) Sit down and rest awhile and talk to the boys. RoUiston is going to tell Colton the story. Hetty. No, I'd rather go. (Rises and starts for door) Colton. They're walking out on you, Rollie. Hetty. There must be some handkerchiefs in the spare-room. (Turns to go out) Larry. (Snatching handkerchief from Colton's pocket) Here, I have one. Put it in the wrong pocket. Ha! Ha! (Goes up to windozv c.) Hetty. (Sitting in chair l. c.) I don't want to seem inhospitable but I think you gentlemen had better go. Larry. (Looking out window) Oh, Shippy's still there. Colton. How about the club, Mrs. Brice ? Larry. (Down to her quickly) I think I'd run over and tell Mrs. Colton's it's "all right, dearie. Hetty. Why, I can telephone her later. Do you want to get rid of me ? Larry. Oh, no— not at all— (5arJ^ of table to R. c. — taking a cigarette from hox on table as he passes to r. c.) 30 THE COIUMUTERS. Hetty. Oh, I wish you'd go, Larry. It makes me so nervous. CoLTON. How did Carrie take it? Hetty. She isn't exactly frantic with joy. My temper was going, so mother suggested that I re- tire from the scene of war. Larry. (Running quickly across in front of table to Hetty and back of her) Do you think it's right to leave your mother out there in the kitchen alone to fight your battles? (Trying to get her out of chair) Hetty. Why not? She's enjoying it. RoLLiSTON. (To Colton) Bobby met the minister. (Grabbing Colton's arm. Colton tries to shake him off) Larry. (Interrupting — trying to make Hetty rise) Why don't you put on your hat and walk on ahead with the mater? Do you good to get a little air. Then on the way home, you can stop at Mrs. Colton's. Hetty. I've had enough exercise for one morn- ing. (Larry in despair goes up to window, then doivn L. c.) RoLLiSTON. Bobby met the minister Colton. (To Larry) You'd better tell her. Applebee. (Appears at window c.) Anybody hurt ? Larry, (Up to window) Say, get ofif that lawn ! Applebee. What lawn? Who's hurt? Larry. You'll be in a minute. Applebee. What's the accident? Larry, There'll be one if you don't get off that lawn, Applebee. (Coming in through zvindozu) Madge saw Rolliston and Colton come in and thought so^ae- thing had happened. Hetty. Everything's all right. Larry. All right! Applebee. (Coming down to r. of table) ' I wish THE CO^IMUTERS. 31 Madge would keep away from the front windows and let a man have his breakfast in peace. (Sits) Larry. {Comes doivn grabs Hetty) Why, Hetty — get ]\Ir. Applebee a cup of coffee — {Run- ning her off R.) Hetty. I — I Larry, You wouldn't see a man starving in your own house? (Hetty exits r. — Larry crosses back to L.) RoLLiSTON. The kid said to the minister — you haven't heard this, Applebee Larry. {Coining to Rolliston's l.) Oh, dry up on that kid. Now listen to me. Roliie you wait for the mater and take her to the train. I'll sneak Sammy out the front way. Tell Hetty I've gone on — see {Enter Carrie with coffee cup folloxved by Mrs. Graham.) Carrie. Oh, Mr. Brice, Mr. Shipman ain't taking the train to-day. {Train whistles off l.) (Applebee jumps — dashes through zvindoiv at back. CoLTON grabs boxes and dashes for hat which is on chair at left above door l. He collides with RoLLiSTON zvho is dashinq for hat on chair L. belozu door l. Larry stands l. of table irresolute. Colton grabs hat, rushes for windoiv, collides with Larry tvho getting out of Colton's zvay bumps into Rolliston — Colton exits through zvindozu.) Larry. Damn Rathbone— — Mrs. Graham. {Coming on quickly from r.) Oh, boys, wait for me Larry. (Talking over shoulder as he exits') Tell LIrs. Brice it's all right — Man upstairs — tele- phone — (Mrs. Graham rushes up to window. Rolliston r. Larry l. of her. They each grab her 32 THE COMMUTERS. by the elbow and the three jump out of the window. As Hetty runs on from r.) Hetty. There's the train — {Up to window, stands there at window) Say, get off that lawn (Carrie places cup on table — goes to sideboard r. with cigarette box. Sammy enters l. in evening dress. ) Carrie. {Turns sees 'Lastly. Screams) Help! Help ! (Hetty turns, sees Larry, screams and rushes over to Carrie r. They stand there in each other's arms screaming. Larry smiling foolishly at them.) CURTAIN. ACT II. Scene: — The living-room of the Brice home. Time : — Afternoon of the same day. It is a square room, the walls being treated in a manner similar to those of the dining-room, except that the wall paper is different in design and color. At r. 2 E. is a windozv with valence and curtains. In front of the window is an arm- chair. Above the window on an angle is a fireplace with fender fireirons, fire screen and andirons. On the mantel are vases of flowers, photograph frames and a small clock. On the breast of the mantel electric brackets zvith shades. At r. of fireplace, between it and the window is a small round table on ivhich is a tall vase of flowers, book ends with books, cigarette THE COMAIUTERS. 33 box and match stand. On the zvall above table is a push button. On the wall belozv zvindozv r. is an electric szvilch. At right angles to the fireplace a couch zvith piUoics. Back of it a long table on zchich is a lamp with shade, a desk set, a telephone, zvrlting materials, etc., and tzvo small vases of flowers. Back of this table a small chair. At r. center back are double glass doors leading to a veranda zvith a lozv balustrade. On the veranda, on each side of the door, is a pot containing a formal box tree. At R. of door is a small table zvith a tall vase of flowers. At l. against the stairway, is a narrow consol on zvJiich are a parasol, gloves, etc. Underneath the table a large and gaily colored market basket. Starting from the center of the stage and a little l. of c. a flight of stairs leads up and to l. to a balcony. From the balcony are tzvo doors leading from about L. I E. and L. 2 E. to the bedroom. These doors have interior backings. In the zvall above the landing is a high zvindozv with valence and cnrtains. On the landing is a copper vessel zvith grozving ferns. Underneath the balcony at L. of stage are double glass doors leading to dining-room. The backing for these doors is a part of the first act-set. Above the doors and underneath the stairs is a coat closet in zvhich ore coats, etc. At r. of the closet against the zvall, is a small table zvith lamp and shade and vase of f.ozvers. At l. c. is a large square table on zvhich are m.agasines, a bozvl of fiozvers, and a picture puz.de. There is an armchair l. of table, an armchair r. of table and a small chair back of table. At the rise of curtain at c. of stage is a small round table used bv Mrs. Crane for the notes and later placed by Hetty against the zvall l. belozv the doors to dining-room. The furnishings and decorations of this room should 34 THE COMMUTERS. be simple but exquisite in taste. At the rise of the curtain are disclosed standing in the center of the room, Mrs. Julia Stickney Crane — seated facing her from r. to l. are: Mrs. Ship- man, Mrs. Colton, Mrs. Graham, Mrs. Applebee, Hetty Brice, Mrs. Rolliston — they are listening with rapt attentin to Mrs. Crane — Mrs. Graham is fanning herself vigorously — Mrs, Applebee languidly. Before rise of curtain Mrs. Crane's voice Mrs. Crane. {Standing c.) When we get to the bottom of the question, we find that the lawn- makers want woman to be restricted to one sort of work — (Curtain rises') And I say to you, women of the Minerva Association for the — the — {Consul- ting notes — All ladies leaning forward) promul- gation of Higher Civic Ideals — woman has been en- slaved too long by man, bound in the chains of economic subjection. {She pauses impressively and then consults notes) Mrs. Colton. (Seated r. end of couch, to Mrs. Graham) What does economic mean? Mrs. Graham. (Seated l. end of couch, to Mrs. Colton) My dear, Mrs. Colton, I haven't the vannest idea. Mrs. Crane. You wives Mrs. Colton. (Interrupting^) Excuse me, Mrs. Crane — what does economic mean? Mrs. Crane. Why, the economical Mrs. Colton. (Interrupting) Excuse me, Mrs. Crane I'm very economical. Willie, Mr. Colton is. Willie, says it's wonderful the way I manage with money. You see, I charge everything. {The other women with the exception of Mrs. Gra- ham look annoyed at the interruption — Mrs. Graham pats Mrs. Colton's hand) THE COMMUTERS. 35 Mrs. Crane. {Scornfully) You wives are merely the subjects of your husband's bounty, strike off those chains. {Her eye happens to fall on Mrs. Shipman) Mrs. Shipman. {Seated in chair extreme r. nettled) Really, if you mean me, I'm not in chains, I'd like to see any man try it. Mrs. Crane. {Witheringly) My dear Mrs. Shipman, the individual must not be confounded with the masses. {Turns to notes) Mrs. Shipman. Certainly not. (Mrs. Crane turns to her) I've no intention of being confounded with the masses. My mother was one of the Colon- ial Dames and my father on his step-father's side comes right down from the Mayflower. {She draws herself up proudly) Mrs. Crane. {Annoyed) Where was I? {Con- sidting notes) Special sale of French models — no — • Woman has been enslaved — Oh, yes, woman has too long been treated as a mere toy Mrs. Applebee. {Seated r. of table l. c. In- terrupting) As Byron said: "Woman is the drudge of the universe." Mrs. Crane. I think that pearl of great price dropped from the lips of our eminent Leader, Mrs. Parkhurst. Mrs. Applebee, Possibly I read so much. As Mr. Applebee says, Madge always has her nose in a book. Mrs. Crane. Truly as (Mrs. Applebee makes movement Us if about to speak) whoever says it — we needn't go into that — woman is the drudge of tlie universe. She slaves over all the stoves in Christen- dom. Fan. {Seated l. of table l. c.) What's she going to do. You can't keep a servant for love or money in the suburbs. Really, the way they object to childern and who could object to Bobby. Mrs. Crane. That's it. The present economical 36 THE COMMUTERS. treatment of women is inimical to the development of the race. Motherhood is really a profesion, the same as that of the butcher, the baker, the Mrs. Applebee. {Interrupting) " The Candle- stick Maker." From Dante, I think. Fan. {To Mrs. Crane) /it's easily seen, Mrs. Crane, you're not a mother, v Mrs. Crane. My dear, Mrs. Rolliston, while I may have negelcted my opportunity in that field of endeavor, nevertheless, one must not narrow life dov/n to the limits of the nursery. It's only by an effort that the average mother remembers that little Lucy's prettiness and little Bobby's precocious prat- tle are not as engrossing topics to all men as they are to her. Fan. {Rising) Are you being personal, Mrs. Crane ? Bobby's a very bright boy for his age, but I never knew before that I bored people with his "pre- cocious prattle." Hetty. {Rises) I'm sure, Fan, Mrs. Crane didn't mean your Bobby. (Mrs. Rolliston sits) Mrs. Crane. I didn't even know that Mrs. Rol- liston had a Bobby — we'll call him Sammy — Sammy — {Consults notes — suddenly Sammy Fletcher pokes his head out of the spare room door — he is in his evening trousers, dress shirt, and a red four-in- hand tie — Hetty sees him, and motions him hack into room — she sits again) These interruptions — while showing your keen appreciation of my humble efforts to illustrate woman's true place in the world. {She pauses and looks over notes carefidly) Mrs. Colton. {To Mrs. Graham) She said that before. Mrs. Graham. {To Mrs. Colton) Hush, my dear, don't let her lose the thread or she'll never get through. Mrs. Crane. I do not regard women as mere chattels, and when I mentioned earlier in this little THE COMMUTERS. 37 talk about holding all things in common, I did not mean communal ownership of wives. Mrs. Shipman. I should hope not. Mrs. Colton. I don't think I understand. Mrs. Graham. It isn't proper for you to under- stand — (Rises) Really, Hetty I think we should excuse Mrs. Colton. Mrs. Colton. I don't want to be excused. (Mrs. Graham sits again.) Mrs. Applebee. As Maeterlinck says — " Strong meat for babes." Mrs. Colton. I'm not a baby — (Rises and comes to Mrs. Crane's r.) I'm a married woman now and can hear anything. (To Mrs. Crane) What's communal ownership ? Mrs. Crane. The communal ownership o£ wives means the joint ownership. Mrs. Colton. But, I don't want to belong to anyone but Willie. (She breaks down and cries) Mrs. Graham. (Rises and takes Mrs. Colton's back to her seat) I knew this lecture would be too much for her. Mrs. Crane. (Very much annoyed, but with acid szueetness) Ladies, ladies, I cannot restrain my thoughts on these burning issues of the hour to the level of the school girl. Mrs. Applebee. Ah, Mrs. Crane, your thoughts are Art's true expression and all art is immoral. Mrs. Crane. Exactly — (Looking at notes) Why should a woman sit quietly by the domesc'c hearth. That is part of the monstrous waste that goes on in the world. She should step boldly forth and seize her share, her glorious share in its better- ment. Fan. What of her children? Mrs. Crane. She should not be a slave to her children. (Mrs. Shtpman looks at watch and edges to her chair) for in conclusion — (Everybody looks 38 THE COMMUTERS. relieved mid sinks hack in their seats) I must im- press on you the great truth, the wonderful trvith which must be borne in mind when you think of devoting your life to your family to the neglect of the suffering humanity. You must remember and ponder on this sublime and immortal truth, that, the youngest child, even if it lives, must grow up. (She pauses impressively, the women are a little taken back and then applaud) (Mrs. Shipman looking at watch rises precipitately and comes r. of c.) Hetty, (Rises and meets her l. of c.) Oh, you're not going, Mrs. Shipman ? Mrs. Shipman. I must, really; it's been so in- structive, Mrs. Crane. (Mrs. Crane who has gone up to table, at back of couch, to get her wrap comes down R. of Mrs. Shipman) I agree with you per- fectly. Women must not be tied to the Home Circle but I've a new maid and I'm a little worried about the dinner. (Hetty takes small stand and places it over L.) and my husband's so fussy about his food. My! It's five o'clock. It's high time the potatoes were on. (Hetty returns to l. of c. Mrs. Ship- man bows to the ladies and to Mrs. Crane, and exits c and r. hurriedly — Hetty goes to door with her) Mrs. Crane. (Coming c.) Oh, the passion of discouragement that seizes me when I perceive the utter hopelessness of going on with my great task in a world full of Mrs. Shipmans. Mrs. Applebee. (Rising and coming to Mrs. Crane) My dear, do not give up your brave struggle. (Brings her dotvn to chair from which Mrs. Applebee has risen. Mrs. Crane sits, Mrs. Applebee stands r. of her) Continue to scatter your little seeds of discontent (Mrs. Crane gives THE COMMUTERS. 39 her her hand) for as Bernard Shaw says : " Great trees from little acorns grow." (Hetty comes dozvn R. of c.) Mrs. Colton. (Rises and comes to Hetty r.) I must be going, Mrs. Brice. Hetty. Why ? Mrs. Colton. Willie might come home and if I'm not there he'll be so lonesome. Fan. Mv, dear, take it from an old married woman, beapi now as you intend to go on. Hetty.v (Leading Mrs. Colton to chair dozvn R. Mrs. Applebee goes up to r. of c.) Wait, my dear, until you've looked for a husband on the 6:13 — and then when you see him dead and mangled — (Mrs. Colton sits) he strolls in at 7:45 serene and smiling, and sulks because you're not glad to see him. (Sits on couch r. of Mrs. Graham) Mrs. Graham. I'm a patient woman but I've seen the time when Hetty's father came home and I was so glad to see him I could have slaughtered him. Mrs. Crane. (Rising) Ladies, before we adjourn this, the last meeting of the season, I should be glad to answer any questions. If my discourses have suggested any of paramount interest. {The women sit thinking seriously — Mrs. Colton after glancing about.) Mrs. Colton. Would you mind giving me the name of your dressmaker? Mrs. Crane. It's a Paquin model. (Puts on wrap and turns to shozu to the best advantage) That reminds me. Mm.e. Fianapan is having a special sale to-morrow of French models and while it is an inestimable privilege to open this wider field to your inquiring minds. I must hurry away for she promised me a private view. 40 THE COMMUTERS. (Mrs. Crane goes l., Fan rises and shakes hands with her. Hetty rises and goes up to door c.) Fan. That's right, go early and avoid the rush. {Other ladies rise) (Mrs. Crane turns and meets Mrs. Colton r. of c.) Mrs. Colton. {Meets her c.) It's been so sweet, Mrs. Graham. {To Mrs. Crane) A spade — {To Mrs. Colton) I'm sure she's called a spade. Mrs. Crane. Thank you, so much — {As she turns to go — Mrs. Applebee meets her and shakes hands) Mrs. Applebee. (l. of c.) I shall so yearn for the September meeting — {Kisses her twice and she exits c, being led to door by Mrs. Applebee. Mrs. Graham, Fan and Mrs. Colton watch them and laugh. Mrs. Colton crosses back to r. of Mrs. Graham, Fan down in front of table l. Sammy appears on balcony and is motioned back by Hetty who is up c.) Mrs. Graham. (Standing front of cojtch r. c.) That woman's too glib with her opinions of married life. Mrs. Colton. {Standing r. of Mrs. Graham) She ought to know, she's been married three times and divorced twice. {Sits in chair r.) (Mrs. Graham sits l. end of couch.) Mrs. Applebee. {Coming down c.) As dear Henry James says : " Heaven helps her who helps herself." Fan. Now, Mrs. Colton, one of her husbands did die. {Sits l. of table l. c.) Mrs. Graham. As dear Larry says, that helps some. THE COMMUTERS. " 41 Mrs. Applebee. (c.) Oh, what matters a few husbands, more or less, to one so intellectual. Mrs. Colton. Intellectual ! Honest I get so tired of being intellectual I could almost die. Mrs. Applebee. Oh, my dear child, to breathe the rarified air of the higher mental plane. Mrs. Graham. It's pretty rare for mother. (Hetty returns c.) Fan. Me too — after these prolonged sessions on a high plane with Browning and Ibsen I'm so worn out I can't even appreciate Eleanor Glynn. (Carrie enters from l.) Carrie. (Stands tip l. c.) All that wants tea can have it in the dining-room (The women all turn in astonishment at the manner of the announcement. Carrie is oblivious. Hetty is furious. Fan, to relieve the situation, rises.) Fan. (Rising) That's very nice. (Mrs. Applebee, Fan, Mrs. Colton and Mrs. Graham start to exit.) Mrs. Colton. (Coming to c. and meeting Mrs. Applebee) I'd love it if it's iced. Mrs. Applebee. Dear, Mrs. Colton, what a divinely refreshing idea. (They exit l. Mrs. Colton staring at Carrie.) Fan. (Coming up c.) Speaking of Bobby Mrs. Graham. (Interrupting) Who spoke of Bobby ? 42 THE COMMUTERS. Fan. (Going off together) I must tell you Bobby's nev/ story. Bobby met the minister Mrs. Graham. {Interrupting) Your husband told me. Fan. And he said, " Are you an honest " — ■ (Exeunt l. continuing speech off. Voice dies off as they exit) Carrie. There's a fresh fellow in my kitchen with a pakitch C. O. D. 75 cents. Hetty. (Dozvn r. hv sofa) There must be some mistake. I ordered nothing. Find out what's in the package. Carrie. What do you know about that ? (Carrie exits. Hetty starts l., gets c.) Sammy. (Appears at the door on balcony) Hist — hist ! Hetty, (c.) Well, you nearly made a nice mess of everything, another moment and you would have been discovered. Sammy. Don't jump on me, someone called for Sammy. Hetty. Mrs. Crane wasn't calling you. (Sammy starts to come downstairs.) Hetty. Go back, please — (Crosses quickly l., and looks off — points to spare room) Sammy. Oh, kind lady, just one breath of fresh air before I die. Hetty. Aren't you comfortable where you are? (Comes front) Sammy. (On lozver part of stairs) I guess you never slept in your spare room. (Hetty turns to him) on a hot May afternoon. FU do anything to oblige a lady, but my doctor says Turkish Baths are weakening. (Comes down r. of c.) Hetty. I didn't ask you to sit up there. (Follozvs him to L. of c.) Why didn't you go for a walk? THE COMMUTERS. 43 Sammy. Did you ever try to walk through a suburb on a hot afternoon in patent leather pumps, a silk hat, and an automobile coat ? Isn't there a law against collecting crowds ? Someone might ask me when the parade began. Hetty. Have you tried on one of Larry's suits? Sammy. Have I tried on one of Larry's suits? Father's clothes will soon fit Willie. Haven't my clothes come ? Hetty. When Larry 'phoned this morning ex- cusing your sudden arrival he said he had sent a suit by a special messenger. {Goes l.) Sammy. {Stops her) Say, have I got to sit up in that steam room until it comes ? Hetty. You can't stay here, the ladies might see you. {Returning to Jiis l.) Sammy. Introduce me. I like that little blonde, the second from the end. Hetty. What ? Sammy. You could explain. Hetty. Explain ! If my friends saw you, I wouldn't have a shred of reputation left. Sammy. You flatter me. {Flicks dust from coat lapel) Mrs. Graham. {Voice off r.) Hetty, my dear. Hetty. (Crosses quickly l.) In a moment, mother. {Motions Sammy to the room) Sammy. (Up c.) Please, kind lady, have pity; not, oh, not, the steam room. Hetty. Well Sammy. (Interrupting) I'll be good. Hetty. I must join the ladies ; if vou get bored there are some very interesting magazines on the table and a new picture puzzle. ( Takes puzzle from table L. c. and gives it to him c.) Sammy. A Dav in the Hay Field — 178 pieces. Kindergarten stuff. Hetty. (She starts to go l. — stops and turns to him) Can I do anything else for you? 44 THE COMMUTERS. Sammy. Yes. Tip me off when those suffra- gettes are headed this way and I'll do a duck. (Hetty starts to go) Oh — I'd like to send a wire to the office on very important business. Hetty. Just 'phone to the station. (Hetty exits L.) Sammy. {Crossing to 'phone and taking up re- ceiver) Hello! (Pause) Hello, fair one, give me the station-house. I mean the station agent. Will you take this very important wire? Miss Gracie Lane, Knickerbocker Theatre, New York. " Can't keep date to-night. Kidnapped. It's a long story but am innocent. All my love and all my money, Sammy." Don't forget the money — (Pause) Eh — (Pause) Charge it to Larry Brice. (Sammy hangs up receiver, crosses l. and takes off coat and places it on hack of chair — he takes up magazines and reads titles) " Country Life in America." " Ameri- can Homes and Gardens." "The Garden Maga- zine." Interesting magazines. " Bulbs that Bloom." Rube stuff — (Picking up another magazine) Here's a nifty little sheet — " The Ladies Home Journal." (Reading) " Cross stitch and crochet." " Fewer frills on French Lingerie " — (He sits back of table and smiles to himself) (Carrie enters from l. carrying a tray with a cup of tea on it.) Carrie. (Looking over his shoulder) Oh, Mr, Fletcher ! Sammy. (Jumps up quickly, takes coat from back of chair and starts to go upstairs, puts coat on) Are they coming? Carrie. Who, the Minerva ? Oh, not for a long time, these lectures is awful dry work. Mrs. Brice ast me to sneak in a cup of nice hot tea. Sammy. Thanks, Hebe — (Comes down c.) Carrie. I ain't Hebe. I'm Carrie. (Comes to ' his L.) THE CCUn.IUTERS. 45 5)AMMY. Say, little one, couldn't you get me a nice long one with ice in it ? Carrie. Oh, I'm on, but this house is temperance, never any liquor except what Mr. Brice carries in. {Puts cup of tea on table l. c.) Say, what do you hang around here, for, where you ain't wanted? Sammy. I'm hipped on the place. (Goes up to desk R. c. and sits) Carrie. (SJie follozvs up) You'd better get out before you get what's coming to you. I'll bet when this hen-party goes, Mrs. Brice wouldn't do a thing to you for coming here soused. Sammy. Aren't you the cheerful little party? Carrie. {Pointing to picture piisde) What's that? Sammy. Picture puzzles. Carrie. Have they got you doing that ? Thought you were from the city. Sammy. Now, Sherlock. Carrie. Say, what's a big guy, like you, doing with kid games ? I don't blame you. Honestly this place is dead slow. Not a moving picture show in the town. Wish I was back to Childs'. She leans over) There's the piece you want, you ninny. Can't you see it's the man's eye. ( The hell rings off- stage — Carrie pays no attention to it) Do you know many people in the city? Sammy. I've been out several times on New Year's Eve. {Bell rings.) Carrie. Any of your gentleman friends want a girl that's ha^dy around the house? Sammy. /Quite a few of my friends have one; still the demand is always greater than the supply. Carrie.'^ That piece ain't right. That ain't his eye- brow. It's his moustache. 46 THE COMMUTERS. Sammy. Oh, you've done this one. Carrie. I never saw it before but I know a moustache when I see one. {Knocks a piece off on floor) Sammy. There, you've knocked his ear on the floor. Carrie. Get it. I'll hold his face. Sammy. (Rises and picks it up and gets on Carrie's l.) Now, don't break it. Carrie. That ain't his ear. It's his foot. (They both laugh. Sammy gets up and stands be- hind her — Sammy leans over to put the piece in place — Hetty enters suddenly. She is aghast as it looks as though Sammy had his arm around Carrie.) Hetty. (Up l. c.) Carrie (Sammy and Carrie start suddenly and some of the pieces fall on the floor.) Carrie. Cr. near table — wrathfully to Hetty) NoMf, vou done it. Hetty, (l. c.) What are vou dom^r? Sa^mmy. (c, giac/fes) Plavingf n'cture puzzles. H^TTY. Leave the room, please — ("Sammy, think- ina Hetty refers to him., starts for the stairs. Carrie sfol)s him, niggles, then comes in front of Hetty to door l. As soon as Carrie nets on her l.) I thought I asked you to see about that package Carrie. It was a mi'^take. Tt was a stransfe suit of clothes, regular hand me down and I sent the feller about his business. (She flounces out — Sammy hears this and dashes nut ni the dnors c.^ Hetty. Why, thev were Mr. Fletcher's. (She turns and sees him fJving nut of the door. She goes up and watches him off c. doors) THE COMMUTERS. 47 Fan. (Enters from l.) Hetty, I must run along — (SJie sees Hetty at the door) What's the mat- ter? Hetty, (Coining dozvn, bringing Fan zvith her to the couch) Fan, before that man leaves here I'll be notorious. Fan. What man? (Sitting on Hetty's l.) Hetty. Sammy Fletcher. Our Sammy. Fan. Sammy Fletcher here? When did he come ? Hetty. Last night. Oh, Fan, what Fve been through ! Larry brought him home and forgot that he brought him. Fan. What's he like ? Hetty. Worse than we imagined in our wildest dreams. I caught him just now hugging Carrie, Fan. What ? Hetty. Playing picture puzzles. Fan. Huh! Hetty, that man's actions are grounds for divorce. Hetty. I can't divorce Larry because Sammy Fletcher hugs Carrie. Anyway, I don't want to divorce him. Fan. Rollie's been pretty bad but he's never turned our house into an all night refuge. I wouldn't stand it for a moment. Of course, Fd have to think of dear little Bobby but if I were in your shoes, Fd walk right out of the house and let Larry entertain his friend. Hetty. I never thought about dinner. Larry and I always go to the club every Saturday night. There isn't a thing in the house. (Rises and goes L. of c.) Fan. Let them get their own dinner. (Quot- ing) " Woman should not be the drudge of the universe." Now, what's the use of our paying Mrs. Crane for these lectures if we don't profit by them ? Hetty. I don't want to profit by Mrs. Crane's 48 THE COMMUTERS. experiences and have three husbands. One's enough for me. Fan. Well, if you take my advice, you'll clear out. (Rises and comes to Hetty's r.) I tell you, you come over and dine with me. Rollie isn't coming out to-night until the last train. I'll 'phone Dr. Lloyd and we'll have a game of dummy bridge. If you want to cure Larry you've got to do something devilish. Hetty. That doesn't sound awfully devilish. Fan. Doasyouhke. (Retty goes tip c. Turns) But Hsten to me, Hetty, I'm an old married woman, and if you want to hold a man make trouble for him. (Exits c. and r.) (Hetty exits to the dining room — A pause. Sammy enters. He is mopping his brow. He carries a package from zvhich protrudes a shirt, a tan boot and the leg of a pair of trousers. He starts, up the stairs wearily. Enter Mrs. Colton, Mrs. Graham arid Mrs. Applebee, Mrs. Col- ton sees Sammy and goes off into violent hysterics. Sammy stands petrified.) Mrs. Colton. (Pointing to Sammy) A burglar ! A burglar! (Down extreme l.) (Mrs. Graham sees Sammy and runs after him. Sammy tries to run up the stairs, trips. Mrs. Graham grabs him by the foot.) Mrs. Graham. Caught red-handed. Madge guard the door. (Mrs. Applebee crosses to door up c. To Mrs. Colton) Stop that yowling and 'phone for the police. (Mrs. Colton crosses to 'phone r.) Sammy. I'm not a burglar. THE COMMUTERS. 49 Mrs. Graham. No, I suppose you're a friend of the family. Mrs. Colton. (She grabs the 'phone) Gimme a policeman, quick. How do I know what his number is? Oh, Mr^ Graham, what's the policeman's num- ber? Mrs. Graham. Don't bother me, I'm busy. (Mrs. Graham dragging him doivnstairs, Sammy drops cigarette case on floor c. He picks it up) Hand that over. Mrs. Applebee. {Standing behind them holding up parasol threateningly) At once! Mrs. Graham. What did I tell you. Larry's cigarette case! (Grabs his arm) Mrs. Colton. Central, we have a burglar. Send a policeman right away, to Mrs. Brice's. (Gets dozvn extreme r.) (Mrs. Applebee moves to l. c. as Hetty enters.) Hetty. (Enters) Why, mother, what are you doing ? Mrs. Colton. Catching burglars. (Mrs. Graham gives Sammy a jerk.) Hetty. It's Larry's friend, Mr. Fletcher. Mrs. Graham. What? Hetty. (Introducing him) Ladies, let me pre- sent, Mr. Samuel Fletcher. Mrs. Graham. (Frigidly) How do you do. Sammy. Pleased to meet you. (Bows to Mrs. Colton. Mrs. Graham hands him cigarette case) Thanks. Mrs. Graham, (Angrily) Don't mention it. Mrs. Applebee. (From l. c.) Charmed, I'm sure. I hope you're enjoying your visit to our fair suburb. Sammy. Oh, yes, very much. so THE COMMUTERS. (Mrs. Graham starts to go.) Mrs. Graham. Good-bye, Hetty. Hetty. Oh, mother, are you going? (Crosses to her c.) Mrs. Graham. Yes, my nerves are considerably overturned ; I need the air. Good-bye. Sammy. Good-afternoon — (She bows frigidly to Sammy and exits) Mrs. Colton. Good-bye, Hetty. (Shakes hands with Hetty. Sammy smiles at her. She scorns hint and exits with Mrs. Graham) Mrs. Applebee. Good-morning, Hetty, Mr. Fletcher. (Grabs his hand) I hope you'll pardon our little error, as dear Shelly says " It's not the coat that makes the man." Sammy. No, the vest and trousers help some. (Mrs. Applebee draws back indignantly and exits quickly c. and r. Hetty laughs) I'm glad I've handed you a laugh. (Getting over l.) Hetty. (Sits on couch) I'm so sorry. I don't mean to be rude, but you did look so funny. (She laughs agram— Sammy joins in and both laugh heartily. Sammy starts to stairs) Sammy. I guess I'll go before I get in bad again. (Going up c.) Hetty. Oh, you're not going? What will I say to Larry? Sammy. Any old thing that comes handy. Hetty. But, if Larry finds you gone he'll think I haven't made it very entertaining for you. Sammy. It's been entertaining all right. I think I'd better leave before any other entertaining thing happens. Hetty. (Sammy starts to go) Will yoti tell me one thing? What is the baleful influence you exert over Larry and Rollie ? Sammy. The " what ful " influence? THE COMMUTERS. 51 Hetty. Baleful was the word. In other words what on earth do they see in you. Sammy. {Coming down c.) Search me. The idiots both bore me to death. Coming to my flat, drinking up my best Scotch, smoking my choice cigars, smoking, why they eat 'em. All Rollie does is talk about that kid of his and when he gets through Larry begins about you. {She rises, he stops confused — bows) Hetty. My husband may be a bore. I've never found him one, and he may be an idiot, I think he is or he wouldn't spend his time with you. {Goes r.) Sammy. {Interrupting) 1 told you I'd get in wrong. I'm very sorry all this has happened, because I've been looking forward to meeting you. (Hetty smiles sarcastically) Larry has talked a lot about you. Hetty. Yes, 1 know, bored you to death. Sammy. Don't hit a fellow when he's down. You may not believe it, but I wanted you to like me. {She laughs) Oh, what's the use? You think I'm the limit, and when a woman's mind's made up. {Turns L. of c.) Hetty. {Interrupting — following him) That's precisely when she's dying to change it. Why are you such a thoroughly bad man. Sammy. I haven't anything on the husbands. They're a pretty bad lot. Do you know what's the trouble with married life? Hetty. Yes. Bachelors. {Both turn away — Sammy to l. Hetty to r.) Sammy. Must a married man give up his bachelor friends? Hetty. No, only his friend's bad habits. Sammy. Me to reform. No married man can sit up in my flat. I'll found an order for the sup- pression of late hours for husbands. Will that square me? {Puts out hand, Hetty takes it) Well, good-bye. {Runs upstairs and gets bundle) 52 THE COMMUTERS. Hetty. No, not good-bye. Now you must stay to dinner with us — (Sammy looks surprised, drops bundle) Stay to dinner with us. Sammy. You want me to? (Picks up bundle) Hetty. Certainly. {Crosses and rings the bell R. above zvindow) Sammy. You don't mind if I shake the benny and the soup and fish. (Hetty laughs) I'm a fancy little person when I'm all dolled up. {Runs upstairs exits into room) (Carrie enters from l.) Hetty, (r. c.) We'll dine at home to-night. Carrie, (l. of c.) There ain't no dinner, unless you eat the scraps from the party. Hetty. Then prepare the Sunday dinner. Carrie. Ain't none ordered. To-morrow's the day you eat to your mother's. Hetty. I'll call up the market. Carrie. Saturday's a half day. The market is closed. Hetty. Then I'll have to borrow some dinner from the neighbors. (Goes to desk up r. c. starts to write note) I'll write the note. You get the basket. Carrie. Me go around beggin' grub offen people — why? Hetty. (Writing) Mr. Fletcher is stayin' for dinner. /Carrie. Is he goin' to stop here ? s/ Hetty. ( Coming down r. of c. ) Have you any objections ? Carrie. I sure have. Comin' around here where he ain't wanted, and upsettin' everythin'. Didn't I have to get an extra breakfast for him ? And didn't I have to drop everything and make chicken hash for his lunch and a party on my hands. I stayed in for your party though I was promised a half day and had accepted an invitation from my gentleman THE COMMUTERS. 53 friend to dine at Childs' and go to a moving picter show in the city. Now on top of all this you ask him to dinner. Now that settles it. I quits. I didn't hire out to be for everlastin' entertaining people. I'm willing to work, but, God knows I'm no electro dyanmo. {Exits l. 2 e.) Hetty. (Staggered, starts to call her then pulls herself together.) No, I will be mistress in my own house. {Takes basket from under table c. Exits c. and R.) Sammy. {Enters, comes dozvnstairs zvhistling, " Oh Gee I'm Glad I'm Free No V/edding Bells For Me." Takes out cigarette case, takes a cigarette, feels for match. He hasn't one. He goes looking around for one) Where in blazes do they keep the matches. {During this bus. Barnes, the village Policeman has stepped softly on the veranda. He watches Sammy apparently going through tJie house. Finally as Sammy comes to the table and opens the drazver to look in, Barnes tiptoes in and grabs him.) Barnes. Caught in the act, young fellow. {Grabs his arms and drags him down c.) Sammy. Who are you? Barnes. Constabule, I 'rest you in the name of the Law. Sammy. The devil you do. (Sammy struggles) {They get down r. c.) Barnes. Nov/ go easy. It's two years extra for resistin' a officer. Sammy. You're bughouse. Who do you think I am? Barnes. I guess they got your picture to the 54 THE COMMUTERS. head-quarters. Come along with me. (Throws him over to his l.) Sammy. I'm a friend of the family. Barnes. Tell that to the Judge. A fine friend of the family going through the place. Sammy. I tell you I'm looking for a match. Barnes. A match — ^huh! Sammy. I tell you I'm Mr. Fletcher. Here is my cigarette case to prove it. (He hands Barnes Larry's cigarette case) Barnes. Since when has Fletcher been spelled with an L. B.? (Puts it in pocket) Sammy. I'll get Mrs. Brice. (He crosses towards the dining rootn door l. 2 e. calling Mrs. Brice. Barnes rtms after him and grabs him) Barnes. No, you don't. (Dragging him up c.) Sammy. (At the door, calling) Oh, Mrs. Brice — Mrs. Brice. (No answer) Can you beat this? (Takes hold of Barnes' coat and brings him down c.) My, good man, this is a mistake. Here. (Goes in pocket for money) Not a cent. Barnes. There'll be an extra penalty for trying to bribe an officer of the law. You to the house. (Drags him up c. Barnes starts to drag Sammy off, Larry appears on the veranda) Larry. Hello! What's doing? (Barnes throws Sammy down l. c.) Sammy. Oh, nothing, I'm pinched, that's all. Larry. Pinched. (Down r. c, laughing heart- ily) Barnes. Caught 'em working your house, Mr. Brice. Larry. It's a msitake. Barnes. (Interrupting) Well, the ladies tele- phoned for me. Larry. He's a friend of mine. THE COMMUTERS. 55 Barnes. On the level? You're not just bein' sorry for him. He's a tough looking- rummy. Larry. I'll answer for him. (Barnes throws Sammy off) Here. {Gives Barnes a dollar) Barnes. Thank you, sir. But I'd advise you, Mr. Brice, friend or no friend, keep an eye on him — ■ {Gives cigarette case to Larry) I've a book to home on crime that says all fellers v^ith ears like his are crooks. {Exits c. and l.) (Larry laughs, Sammy imitates him) Sammy. {Front of table l. c.) Funny, isn't it? You'd had to go bail for me in another minute. Larry, {Coming c.) Where was Hetty? Sammy. I called for help, but no one answered. She isn't there. Larry. Didn't she treat you right ? Sammy. She's all right, but I'm in wrong. I've had a peach of a day. Larry. What's the matter? Sammy. Oh, nothing, scared Mrs. Erice out of a year's growth, this morning, cooped up all after- noon in a room with a southern exposure— Larry. {Interrupting) Oh, forget it, you can tell me your troubles later. Colton is outside with his car. We're going to run out to the club and show you a thing or two. Sammy. Mrs. Brice expects us for dinner. Can't we take her along? Larry. No, "this is strictly stag. Hetty will understand. That's why v/e're such good pals, she's so understanding. (Goes v.p to desk r. c.) I'll jyst leave a note. {Writing) She'U go over to her mother's. {Enter Carrie from l. 2.) Sammy. Whither away, Hebe? 56 THE COMMUTERS. Carrie, (c.) (Turning on Sammy) Whither away yourself — and don't call me Hebe — {To Larry) I'm fired, Mr. Brice. And it's all his fault. Comin' round here where he ain't wanted, and up- settin' everything'. Sammy. I thought I was about due for another jolt. Carrie. Makin' extra work. Larry. Extra work — {Rises and comes dozvn r. of Carrie) Carrie. Two breakfasts and a lunch. Larry. Isn't it customary in my house to have lunch? {Gets r. c.) Carrie. A cup o' tea, and a bite on a tray is enough for Mrs. Brice. But didn't I have to drop everything and me with a party on my hands and make chicken hash. Sammy. What's she kicking about, I ate the hash. Carrie. I ain't no fault to find with you, Mr. Brice, even if you do come home with the owl and ^•et up with the rooster. But {Turning to Sammy) I'll have my gentleman friend knock your block off. (Carrie exits c. and r.) Larry. Can you beat it? Sammy. You can't even tie it. Larry. Oh, well, come on. (Goes up to small stand L. c. and gets cap) Sammy. I tell you Mrs. Brice expects us for dinner. Larry. (Coming back c.) She can't get dinner without a cook. You don't want to embarrass her? Sammy. It seems to me it isn't quite the right way to treat your wife. Larry. What do you know about treating a wife? Back up. (Takes him to table l. c.) Where's your hat? Here take this one. (Larry grabs a cap off a table by the closet door and jambs it down THE COMMUTERS. 57 over Sammy's eyes^ Come on, we'll cut across lots. It's just about first cocktail time. (Larry hustles Sammy out l, 2 e., a pause) Hetty. {Appears on the veranda carrying a heavy basket. She has a loaf of bread in her arm. Her hat is on one side. She staggers in zvith basket. Sets it on the table. Sees note left by Larry) " Gone to the Club. Will be home early bye-bye, darling " Oh. (Goes over l., throwing letter down) Fan. {Enters carrying a bowl of soup tied in napkin) Hetty, dear, here's your soup. Hetty. {Takes soup) I don't need the old soup. {Puts it on table l. c.) Larry's gone and left me high and dry. That's what I get for fussing over his old guests, and giving up my rights. My rights. For two pins, I'd divorce him this minute. Fan. (r. c.) Oh, Hetty, don't do anything rash. Hetty, (c.) I will if I feel like it. Going round begging food from door to door. Lugging that heavy basket through the hot sun. Making myself the laughing stock of the place. Go on, say i told you so. You're perfectly right, Fan. If you want to hold a man make trouble for him. Oh, I'll teach Mr. Larry a lesson he won't forget in a hurry. {Goes up to door) Fan. Hetty, where are you going? Hetty. I don't know where, but I'm going. {Exits hurriedly c. and r. followed by Fan) CURTAIN. 58 THE COMMUTERS. ACT III. Scene : — Same as Act I. Time: — Two A. M. The room is faintly illuminated by a lighted lamp on a table at the end of the couch r. another at table l. c. and by the moonlight visible through the glass doors at center back and at the window above the landing on the stairs. The curtains at the window r. are drazvn. Hetty is lying on the couch r. fast asleep. As the curtain rises, the clock on the table back of the conch strikes two, wakening Hetty, who yawns, rubs her eyes and reaches sleepily for the clock. She notes the time. The lateness of the hour shocks her into alert wakefulness. Hetty. (Amased) Two o'clock! (She places the clock on the mantel and in so doing sees a tele- gram propped against a flozver vase. She picks it up, reads the address) A telegram for Mr. Samuel Fletcher. ( With a movement of petulant anger she slams it doiun on the mantel — at that moment Mrs. Colton's voice is heard outside) Mrs. Colton. Hetty, Hetty? Hetty. (Startled, turns, runs to the switch at r. above window, turns on the lights and runs quickly to door at c. — opens it — Enter Mrs. Colton) Why, Mrs. Colton, how you frightened me. (Comes dozvn L. c.) Mrs. Colton. (Comes dozvn r. of Hetty — she is in a fluffy peignoir over which she has thrown a light cloak) Oh, Hetty, what has Larry done with THE COMMUTERS. 59 my Willie? I 'phoned the club at ten, and the boy- said they'd left. He said for a joy ride. It's after two. I'm nearly crazy, (c.) Hetty. (In alarm) Is Mr. Colton driving? Mrs. Colton. Irving v^as at the wheel. Hetty. Thank heaven. Mrs. Colton. Why, Willie's a grand driver. I couldn't stand it any longer alone. I'm so nervous I haven't a finger nail left. Aren't you nervous? Hetty. No, just mad, plain mad. Serve them right if they did get dumped out. Mrs. Colton. Oh, Hetty, I tried hard to be mad. T tried to remember what all the women told me this afternoon, but I love Willie. (Cries) Hetty. Of course you do. (Leading Mrs. Col- ton to couch) Sit down — (Mrs. Colton sits) Have a chocolate. (Taking box off table) Mrs. Colton. Thanks. (Takes one) I couldn't eat a bite of dinner. Willie left me all alone. (^She cries) Hetty. Have another. Mrs. Colton. Thanks. (Takes another) And I made a pudding special. (Cries) Hetty. Try one of these. Mrs. Colton. Thanks. (Takes another) Oh, you didn't need the cheese you borrowed, did you? Hetty. No. (Puts box back on table, goes c.) Mrs. Colton. I don't want to criticise another woman's husband but it was kind of mean of Larry when you went around an' borrowed everything. Did you eat it all alone, too ? Hetty. I did not. I dined with Fan. Dr. Lloyd brought me home at half-past nine, like an idiot. Mrs. Colton. Dr. Lloyd seems intelligent. Hetty. I'm the idiot. Fan wanted me to stay but I thought Larry might get home, be worried and sit up for me. Huh ! Mrs. Colton. (Getting up) I'd better go. I don't want to worry Willie. 6o THE COMMUTERS. Hetty. Sit down! (Mrs. Colton sits again) I see a man worrying, or sitting up for his wife. He'd go to bed contentedly if he didn't die of the shock. Mrs. Colton. Wilhe didn't want to go but he said if he refused to leave his wife they'd think it"^ wasn't manly. Hetty Manly! Who wants a man tied to her- apron strings all day ? Mrs Colton. I'd kind of like it if it was Willie. Hetty. What do they marry us for if they want to stay out all night? Why can't a woman have the courage of her convictions, treat a man as he treats her. Look at me ! I've every right to be furious. Lugging that heavy basket through the hot sun and I was going to teach Larry a lesson. Do something devilish. Mrs. Colton. Oh, Hetty I Hetty. Devilish. Sitting home here since half- past nine, ruining my digestion eating chocolates and worrying. Why, if I go in to a matinee I ha^e to leave before the play's half over so afraid^dear Larry might get home first and be anxious. Mrs. Colton. It's terrible. I haven't seen an emotional actress die since I've been married. The last matinee I went to the leading lady began to die at 4 o'clock and at 4 : 15. 1 had to run for Willie's train. I hope he isn't going to keep this up. If he does I'll tell his mother. (An auto siren is heard in the distance off r.) Oh, there's Salome. (Rises) Hetty. Salome? Mrs. Colton. I call the car Salome cause it wig- gles. I'm awful, aren't I even if I am married? Oh, I must hurry. (Starts to go) Hetty. Don't let them see you. (Passes her over L.) Here, go the back way. I'm going to give Larry a good scare. Mrs. Colton. Oh, Hetty, what are you going to do? THE COI\r?.IL'TERS. 6i Hetty. Hide in the coat closet. (Puts out lamp on table r.) Go on. Don't tell Larry I'm here. ]\1rs. Colton. I won't. {Stayts to