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Expense No Object 
 
 A Play in Three Acts 
 
 By 
 SAM JANNEY 
 
 Author of **Mr. K'elley from Kalamazoo,* 
 ^* Picking a Winner y*^ etc. 
 
 NOTE 
 
 The professional and moving picture rights in this play are 
 strictly reserved and application for the right to produce it 
 should be made to the author in care of the publishers. 
 Amateurs may produce it without payment of royalty on 
 condition that the name of the author appears on all pro- 
 grammes and advertising issued in connection with such 
 performances. 
 
 BOSTON 
 
 WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
 
 1918 
 

 Expense No Object 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 (/« the order of their appearance,) 
 
 Neewah, a Japanese valet. 
 
 Judge Harrison, imcle to Ash. 
 
 Sherman Ash, yuan about town, Harrison s nephew. 
 
 Chub Trask, a detective. 
 
 Eddie Stone, a detective. 
 
 Edwards, a butler. 
 
 Mr. Carr. 
 
 Mrs. Carr, his wife. 
 
 Betty Carr, his daughter. 
 
 Louise Walker, Harrison s adopted daughter. 
 
 Baron Plum. 
 
 Rev. Francis MacDonald. 
 
 Policeman. 
 
 The scene is laid in New York City and Tarrytown- 
 
 Copyright, 191 7, by Sam Janney. 
 
 Free for amateur performance. Professional stage and 
 
 moving picture rights reserved. 
 
 ©CLD 48313 
 
 NOV 12 1917 
 
 1 
 
 
ORIGINAL CAST 
 
 (As presented the week of August 14, igi^, at the Colonial Theatre^ 
 PUtsJieldy Mass.y by Robert Graves, Jr., and the Pittsjield Players.) 
 
 Eddie Stone 
 
 Chub Trask 
 
 SiDONiA Smith . 
 
 Sherman Ash 
 
 Neewah, his Jonpanese valet 
 
 Mrs. Carr . . . 
 
 Mr. Carr .... 
 
 Mrs. Peckham 
 
 Ted Carr, Jr. 
 
 Mr. Peckham 
 
 Louise Walker . 
 
 Miss Campbell 
 
 Mr, Booth .... 
 
 Edwards, a butler 
 
 Col. Hopkins \ r^i t / ^ /• 
 Joe Price | ^^^^^^ Tarry town police 
 
 Police Officer .... 
 
 Ivan Simpson 
 
 Wade Boteler 
 
 Ann Bradley 
 
 Malcolm Duncan 
 
 . Waller F. Scott 
 
 Charlotte Adams 
 
 Albert Hickey 
 
 Amte Hollingef 
 
 George Gaul 
 
 Edward Dofinelly 
 
 Edith Luckett 
 
 . Grace Bowen 
 
 Alfred Clark 
 
 John Southern 
 
 f Fred Spencer 
 
 \ John Southern 
 
 . Alfred Clark 
 
 The many differences between the above cast and that pertain- 
 ing to the present printed version, as it appears on the preceding 
 page, are explained by the fact that the play was thoroughly re- 
 vised for publication and now appears in a greatly improved form. 
 
Dedicated to 
 EDITH and MAL 
 
Expense No Object 
 
 ACT I 
 
 SCENE. — The bachelor apartments of Sherman Ash. 
 Mdin entrance hack l. ; doors r. c. and front l. Large 
 window hack r. The room is decorated with many 
 sporting trophies of all kinds. 
 
 {As the curtain rises Neewah, Ash's Japanese valet, 
 is discovered seated front r. hefore a small table. 
 On the table are a number of revolvers of different 
 kinds, and against it five or six sporting rifles are 
 leaning. Neewah is busy cleaning a handsome 
 shotgun. A loud knock is heard at the main door. 
 Neewah opens it, and Judge Harrison enters. He 
 is a quick-tempered old gentleman, with a firm, de- 
 termined face. He comes in and looks around 
 the room disapprovingly, then fixes his gaze on 
 Neewah.) 
 
 Harrison. Good-morning ! 
 Neewah {bowing and smiling). Yes! 
 Harrison. Is my nephew in? 
 Neewah. No ! 
 
 Harrison. When do you expect him? 
 Neewah {still smiling blandly). Yes! 
 Harrison. I said, when do you expect him? 
 Neewah. No ! 
 
 Harrison {angrily). Yes, I did! I guess I know 
 what I said ! 
 Neewah. Yes ! 
 Harrison. Of course — ^yes! 
 
8 expense no object 
 
 Neewah. No ! 
 
 Harrison. Say, what the ! Are you crazy? 
 
 Neewah. Yes ! 
 
 Harrison. Well, I'm glad you know it ! 
 
 Neewah. No ! 
 
 Harrison. Oh, go to the devil ! 
 
 Neewah. Yes ! 
 
 Harrison. Arhhh ! {He turns away in disgust, and 
 starts walking around the room. Pauses in front of 
 table R., and points at guns.) What's all this truck? 
 
 Neewah. Yes ! 
 
 Harrison. Eh ? What ? 
 
 Neewah. No ! 
 
 Harrison. Say — you ! 
 
 (He takes a tight grip on his cane, and starts toward 
 Neewah, who retreats. The door flies open, and 
 Sherman Ash enters rapidly; pauses in surprise at 
 sight of his uncle. Ash is dressed in flannels, and 
 carries a tennis racket.) 
 
 Ash. Why— hello, Uncle Phil ! 
 
 {He comes forward and seizes Harrison's hand.) 
 
 Harrison. Well, Sherman, how are you? 
 
 Ash {still shaking his hand). My, my — I am 
 glad ! Why, it's been forever since I saw you last ! 
 
 Harrison {grimly; walking away). Yes. It is some 
 time. {Looking at guns on table.) I see you haven't 
 changed much ! 
 
 Ash. What do you mean ? 
 
 Harrison {pointing at table). Going to the war? 
 
 Ash. Oh, no, that's just to keep Neewah busy. I did 
 think of the war — but I've got a new scheme — the great- 
 est scheme you ever heard of — just listen. Uncle 
 Phil 
 
 Harrison. Come, come! None of your schemes in 
 mine! 
 
 Ash. But, Uncle— just let me tell you ! 
 
 ^ Harrison {rousing himself). Damn it sir, no! I'm 
 sick of your scatter-brained behavior ! I'm going to see 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 9 
 
 an end of it, too! Now, you listen to me! I'm going 
 to 
 
 Ash. Now, Uncle Phil ! (He goes to him and 
 
 speaks gently but firmly. ) You haven't come here again 
 to ask me to go into the wholesale hardware business ? 
 
 Harrison. Yes, I have! I swore I wouldn't — but 
 I'm going to give you a last chance 
 
 Ash. No, no, no! I don't want a last chance! I 
 wouldn't take it on a bet! Why, there's about as much 
 excitement in the wholesale hardware business as there 
 is in making faces at a bowl of goldfish ! 
 
 Harrison. There you go ! Excitement ! Excite- 
 ment ! That's all you think of ! Excitement ! Always 
 trying to get into some kind of trouble, because of the 
 excitement of it ! Why the devil, sir, don't you try doing 
 something useful for once ? 
 
 Ash. But I am! That's just what I was trying to 
 tell you ! I am going to ! I've undertaken something 
 that's both exciting 
 
 Harrison. Bah ! 
 
 Ash. Exciting and useful ! I'm going into a pro- 
 fession where there'll be plenty of excitement, and at the 
 same time I'll earn my living and be a benefactor of 
 society ! 
 
 Harrison. Well, what is this wonderful profession? 
 
 Ash. Simplest thing in the world. I'm going to be a 
 detective ! 
 
 Harrison (looking at him several moments in amaze- 
 ment, then saying with cold disgust). Hell! 
 
 Ash. Now, now, now. Uncle Phil. You know that's 
 a fine idea! 
 
 Harrison. Hell ! 
 
 Ash. But listen to me. You don't understand. Just 
 read this. (He takes a letter from his pocket.) 
 
 Harrison. Hell ! 
 
 Ash. But you haven't heard my plan yet. You 
 haven't let me tell you a thing! 
 
 Harrison. No ! And I'm not going to. I'm through 
 with you for good and all ! 
 
 Ash. Oh, Uncle Phil ! 
 
10 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 (Puts letter down, opened, on table R.) 
 
 Harrison. Yes, Tm through ! Not that you care ! 
 When my fool brother left you every cent of his hard- 
 earned money he put it beyond my power to keep you 
 from making a fool of yourself. God knows I've tried — 
 but now I'm through ! 
 
 Ash. Oh, no. Uncle Phil ! Just wait till you see what 
 a success I am as a detective. Then you'll be proud of 
 me! 
 
 Harrison. No, I won't! Detective! Huh! (He 
 starts to go; turns.) And one thing more. I know you 
 don't have to worry about money, but just the same I 
 suppose you expect to get my pile when I go 
 
 Ash. Uncle Phil ! 
 
 Harrison. Well, you needn't worry, you're not going 
 to get it. I've attended to that. 
 
 Ash. Oh, I wouldn't think of begrudging charity. 
 
 Harrison. No, not charity. 
 
 Ash. Of course not, of course not; hospitals! 
 
 Harrison (embarrassed). No, not hospitals. 
 
 Ash (with a whoop). Uncle, you're going to get 
 married ! 
 
 Harrison. No, no — you young fool ! But I've fixed 
 you, just the same. I've adopted a daughter ! 
 
 Ash. What! You? Adopted a daughter? Good 
 Lord, and you call me down for going out after excite- 
 ment ! Ho, ho, ho, ho ! 
 
 Harrison. Shut up! It isn't a joke. 
 
 Ash. Of course it isn't. It's a tragedy; only you 
 don't know it ! Ho, ho, ho ! Just wait till this young 
 lady gets started. She'll keep you hustling! (Pauses.) 
 But of course not ; of course you'd pick out a dead one ! 
 
 Harrison. Damn it, sir, she's not a dead one; she's 
 a rattling fine girl ; a lot more alive than you are, and ten 
 times as much sense ! 
 
 Ash. Then she'll make you jump ! Depend upon it, 
 she'll show you how to jump through hoops, and then 
 make you do it ! Excitement ! Why, in another year I 
 bet you'll be spending your vacations with me to rest 
 your nerves ! Ho, ho, ho ! 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT II 
 
 Harrison. Oh, laugh, laugh, you young jackass! I'll 
 tend to my affairs, and you tend to yours. And if you 
 get into trouble, don't come to me! {Starts to go.) 
 
 Ash. Oh, but you mustn't go ! (Stops him.) Just a 
 second, Uncle Phil, till I get some clothes on, and we'll 
 go out to lunch. What do you say? 
 
 Harrison. No, no ! 
 
 Ash. Oh, yes! (Calls off r.) Neewah ! Neewah! 
 (Neewah enters.) Neewah, makee tub — velly klick! 
 Scoot! (He claps his hands, and Neewah goes off.) 
 Now, Uncle, just a second! 
 
 (He dashes out r., pulling his collar off as he goes.) 
 
 Harrison. No, no — I tell you ! 
 
 (He scowls after Ash, and starts for the door. He 
 hesitates, then starts again. He is trying hard to be 
 unrelenting, but it doesn't seem to be as easy as he 
 expected. He walks around the room, trying to 
 make up his mind. Pauses in front of the table; 
 after a moment murmurs the word "detective! " 
 Sees letter left by Ash ; a line catches his eye; he 
 picks up letter, and glances at the first part and at 
 the signature; laughs gloomily, then throws the letter 
 down with disgust, and walks out, slamming the door 
 after him. Neewah enters; through the open door 
 the splashing of water is heard. Neewah looks 
 around, then goes back. There is a knock at the out- 
 side door. Neewah enters, crosses l., and opens 
 the door. Chub Trask, a burly, aggressive man of 
 forty, and Eddie Stone, a thin, nervous man of 
 about the same age, enter.) 
 
 Trask. Is Mr. Ash in? 
 
 Neewah. Yes ! 
 
 Trask. Will you give him my card, please ? 
 
 (He holds out card.) 
 
 Neewah. No ! 
 
 (He takes card, bows and smiles, and goes out R. Tke 
 others turn and look at each other.) 
 
12 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Trask (tapping his head). Nobody home! 
 (They come forward, looking the room over.) 
 
 Stone. Swell joint, all right. 
 
 Trask. All this means coin, Eddie — lots of coin! 
 (In a low voice.) Easy coin! 
 
 Stone. Sure ! (He hacks into table r. ; turns, sees 
 guns, and jumps hack in terror.) Ahhrrrrrr! Look, 
 Chub, look ! 
 
 Trask (crossing). What's the matter? (Looks at 
 guns; reassuringly.) Oh, that doesn't mean anything — 
 just an amateur's collection of pop-guns. 
 
 Stone. I suppose so, but it makes me nervous. 
 
 Trask. Shhhhhhhh ! 
 
 (The door r. opens and Neewah enters.) 
 Neewah. Yes! (Bows and smiles.) No! 
 (Bows and smiles; then goes out.) 
 
 Stone. Say ! I don't fall for this Yellow Peril ! I'll 
 bet the most important heirloom in his family is a first 
 edition copy of " The Art of Grafting " I 
 
 Trask {in a low voice). Maybe we could make a 
 deal with him? 
 
 Stone. Say, come to! Which party is laying the 
 golden eggs in this game? He'd sell us out the minute 
 things got going! 
 
 Trask. Well, I don't believe he knows enough Eng- 
 lish to understand even if we explained it to him. 
 
 Stone. That's all right ! If there was any graft in 
 it, I'll bet he'd understand if you told him in Swedish ! 
 
 Trask. Shut up! Just remember, I'm the brains of 
 this firm ! Here he comes ! 
 
 (The door opens, and Ash enters.) 
 
 Ash. Good-morning, gentlemen. (He shakes hands 
 with Trask.) This is Mr. Trask? 
 
 Trask. Yes, and this is my partner, Mr. Stone. 
 
 Ash. Very glad to know you. (He shakes hands 
 with Stone.) Won't you sit down, gentlemen? 
 
 Trask. Why, thank you ! 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 1 3 
 
 {He and Stone sit; Ash remains standing.) 
 
 Ash. Now, let's get right to business. You adver- 
 tised in the paper this morning for young men wishing to 
 become detectives. Is that right? 
 
 Trask. Yes. 
 
 Ash. Good! Now, let me hear all about it. What 
 is your proposition ? 
 
 Trask {clearing his throat, and assuming an oratorical 
 manner). Well, to be absolutely frank, Mr. Ash, we did 
 not expect to hear from you — that is, from any one in 
 your position. 
 
 Ash. In my position ? Why, what do you mean ? 
 
 Trask. Why, simply this ! I presume that you were 
 prompted to answer our ad largely by curiosity. Well, 
 it's not the merely curious we are after. We want the 
 type of young man who is in dead earnest. In other 
 words, the stage-struck youngsters who have been read- 
 ing Sherlock Holmes and Craig Kennedey. 
 
 Ash. Ah ! I see ; a gentle graft ? 
 
 (Stone starts 'violently.) 
 
 Trask. By no means ! You see, these young men are 
 willing to work for very little pay, and it's our only way 
 of getting a thousand odd jobs done — bits connected with 
 our big cases that we can't afford to put our highly paid 
 experts on. 
 
 Ash. Ah, yes ! And these young men, do they 
 eventually become detectives ? 
 
 Trask. Almost never. The novelty wears off, and 
 they give it up. Besides, not one in a hundred has the 
 slightest qualification to begin with. 
 
 Ash. Hmmmmmmm ! I suppose not ! 
 
 {There is a pause. Stone, fearing that his pal is de- 
 liberately letting a good thing slip by, is getting more 
 and more perturbed.) 
 
 Trask. Well, Mr. Ash, we won't keep you any longer. 
 I thought I'd just explain the situation at once. 
 
 {He rises; Stone, glowering, also rises.) 
 
14 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Ash {deep in thought). I'm sure I appreciate it. 
 
 Trask. Oh, no trouble at all ! {He starts irresolutely 
 toward the door; he is beginning to think he has finessed 
 too much.) Good-day! {There is no answer; he takes 
 a step toward the door; pauses, and coughs loudly.) 
 Good-day ! 
 
 {No answer; he puts his hand on the door-knob.) 
 
 Ash {suddenly). One moment! (Trask af^c? Stone 
 heave deep sighs of relief, and come down stage.) Just, 
 er — what would you say, offhand, were the fundamental 
 qualifications of a detective? 
 
 Trask. Well, offhand, I should say knowledge of 
 men, personal bravery, keen sensibilities, physical strength 
 and endurance, absolute lack of nervousness under pres- 
 sure, and a precise, mathematical, analytical and de- 
 ductive mind. 
 
 Ash. Thanks ! Er — you didn't mention second sight I 
 
 Trask. Well, of course that would help. 
 
 Ash. Of course ! Now, Mr. Trask, supposing you 
 came across a chap who was conceited enough to think 
 he had most of these qualifications, would you take him 
 on ? In dead earnest, I mean ? 
 
 Trask. M-m-m-m! That depends! 
 
 {He rises, and walks around, scratching his head 
 meditatively.) 
 
 Ash. Yes ? 
 
 Trask. You see — well, frankly, endeavoring to teach 
 the game to an inexperienced person would take up a 
 good deal of time. We should have to put him in the 
 care of one of our highly paid experts — Mr. Stone, for 
 instance, — and, of course, now that the Eldridge case is 
 giving us so much trouble 
 
 {He almost suppresses a yawn.) 
 Ash. One moment, Mr, Trask ! 
 
 {He takes out a check book.) 
 Trask. Er — I beg pardon? 
 Ash {writing check). Just a moment. I think I un- 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 1$ 
 
 derstand! (Hands Trask a check.) Perhaps that will 
 end your doubts in the matter. 
 
 Trask. Five hundred! Why, what's this for? 
 Ash. Advance payment on my education as a detect- 
 ive ' Now, you make good, and it will be worth more to 
 you than a dozen cases. But if I catch you trying to 
 graft, the cash stops; if I catch you trying to double- 
 cross me, ril beat you up ; and if I find out that you re 
 fakers, I'll see to it that you're sent up the river ! Get 
 me? 
 
 Trask. I— er— get you! 
 
 Ash. Fine! Now we understand each other thor- 
 oughly! . ^ T 
 Trask. Oh, yes, indeed! Of course! But may I 
 ask, why do you want to become a detective ? 
 
 Ash. Excitement! I want excitement ! I'm bored 
 to death with society, travelling, hunting. It isn't any 
 fun shooting damn fool animals, and they arrest you if 
 you shoot damn fool people. ^ 
 
 Trask. Well, if you want excitement, why don t you 
 go down and hunt scalps in Wall Street? 
 
 Ash. I did try that. I had such fool luck it was no 
 fun I started out with a million dollars, and in six 
 months I had ten. (Stone collapses.) Oh, it was per- 
 fectly sickening! 
 
 Stone. Oh, yes— I can see just what you mean! 
 Trask. And you think that a detective's life would be 
 sufficiently exciting? 
 
 Ash Yes ! You can't bribe a murderer to get caught 
 and go to the chair. You can spend a fortune framing 
 up a plan to catch him, but if he's really clever that sim- 
 ply makes him fight all the harder to fool you. You see, 
 a lot of money really isn't much use to a detective ! 
 
 Stone (trying not to show his emotion). Oh, no! 
 Of course not— no use at all ! 
 
 Trask. But it means hard work— days without sleep, 
 eating when you can, standing in the rain for hours 
 watching for your man. 
 
 Ash (interrupting him). Did you ever try to bag a 
 moose? I've sat in an ice cold swamp every day for a 
 
l6 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 month waiting for a moose to turn up — and then he got 
 away ! 
 
 Trask. Well, besides the physical inconveniences, 
 there are other unpleasant phases. You'll have to pal up 
 wiih a lot of queer people, all kinds of shady specimens. 
 You may even have to live with them for weeks at a 
 time. 
 
 Ash. Did you ever spend six months associating 
 intimately with the noble red man of the wild and woolly 
 west? If I'd studied biology at college I'd have a couple 
 of new species named afier me by now. 
 
 Trask. Then there's the dangerous part. You say 
 you want excitement, but are you sure you'd care about 
 facing a half crazy dago, armed with a ten-inch knife, 
 and filled with a deep-rooted prejudice against electrical 
 furniture ? 
 
 Ash. Well, do you think you'd care about facing a 
 perfectly sane grizzly, armed with a corking appetite, and 
 filled with a naturally mean disposition? 
 
 (Stone shivers apprehensively ; Trask hows to Ash.) 
 
 Trask. Mr. Ash, I guess you win. 
 
 Ash. Ah ! 
 
 Trask. But I tell you frankly, it will cost you a good 
 deal. Handling amateurs is a big nuisance, you know; 
 it upsets the work in the office. I trust you understand 
 our position? 
 
 Ash. Absolutely ! Absolutely ! (Shakes hands zvith 
 Trask.) All I want is to learn the game. Expense is 
 no object! (Shakes hands zvith Stone.) 
 
 Stone. Oh, of course not — of course not ! No object 
 at all ! 
 
 Ash. Splendid ! We certainly understand each other ! 
 
 Stone. Oh, yes, perfectly ! 
 
 Ash. And now, gentlemen, I have a big surprise for 
 you! 
 
 Stone (his grin vanishing) . Uhh, surprise? 
 
 Trask. Surprise ? What do you mean ? 
 
 Ash (clapping his hands together). Yes, a great big 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 1 7 
 
 surprise ! (Points his finger accusingly at Trask.) You 
 thought I was just a boob amateur, didn't you? 
 
 Trask (fearing the worst, hut keeping up a front). 
 Why — no — no ! Of course not ! 
 
 Ash. Oh, yes you did! (Points his finger at Stone, 
 who crumples.) You thought I was just a rich young 
 idiot with a hobby ! 
 
 Stone. No, no ! Not at all, no ! 
 
 Ash. You did ! You know it ! 
 
 Stone. No, no ! 
 
 Ash. Well, you're now going to get the surprise of 
 your life! (He makes a sudden cross to table R. ; at the 
 sight of him heading for the supply of artillery Stone 
 gives up all hope and sinks in a chair. Ash picks up the 
 letter and waves it at them. ) I've got a case for you ! 
 
 Stone. A — what ? 
 
 Ash. a case! 
 
 Stone. A case of what? 
 
 Trask. Shut up, you idiot ! Don't you understand — 
 a case for us to work on! A job! (To Ash.) That's 
 it, isn't it? 
 
 Ash. Why, of course! 
 
 Trask. Of course! Certainly! (Glares at Stone.) 
 You poor simp! (C fosses to Ash and shakes hands.) 
 Mr. Ash, I've known all along that you were going to 
 bring us good luck ! And I want you to know that I ap- 
 preciate what you've done ! 
 
 Ash. Oh, it's nothing! 
 
 Trask. Oh, yes, it is ! Bringing us a case means 
 more than you think it does ! 
 
 Stone. Yes, a great deal more ! 
 
 Trask (glaring at Stone, then turning to Ash). 
 Now, supposing you, — ah, — give us an idea of this case ! 
 
 Ash. Why, certainly! It's a rather simple one, I'm 
 afraid — but it will pay very well — the people are wealthy, 
 and won't care what they spend. 
 
 Trask. But, Mr. Ash, if it Is a simple case, as you 
 say, we could not think of accepting more than a 
 moderate fee ! 
 
 (Stone gasps, hut recovers.) 
 
l8 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Stone. Oh, no ! We couldn't think of it ! 
 
 Ash. Well, that's your affair ! Now here's the case. 
 (Holds up the letter.) 1 received this letter yesterday. 
 It's from an old friend, Mrs. Stephen Carr. She says 
 she's giving a house party, and she asks me to engage a 
 private detective for her. 
 
 Trask. a private detective — just for a house party? 
 Ridiculous ! 
 
 Ash. Ah, but v^ait! Their place is out at Tarry- 
 town — and she tells me that there have been six burglaries 
 within a month — all in houses near her. And most im- 
 portant of all, one of her guests is to be Mrs. Gordan 
 Peckham ! 
 
 {He pauses, as though expecting some show of 
 emotion.) 
 
 Trask. Well? 
 
 Ash. Why ! You mean to say you don't know who 
 Mrs. Gordan Peckham is ? 
 
 Trask. No — can't say I do ! • 
 
 Ash. Why, all the society columns have been full of 
 accounts of her lately ! But then, I suppose you detect- 
 ives don't read anything but the Police Gazette, and that 
 hasn't got a society column, has it? 
 
 Stone. Oh, yes, several kinds of society columns! 
 
 Trask. But I'm afraid not a word about this Mrs. 
 Peckham. 
 
 Ash. Well, there's not much to tell about her; only 
 that last month she brought a famous diamond necklace 
 into the country and actually didn't try to smuggle it — 
 paid sixty thousand dollars* duty without batting an 
 eyelash ! 
 
 Stone. My God ! 
 
 Ash. Oh, it made a tremendous sensation ! And now 
 Mrs. Carr is up against the problem of having this neck- 
 lace staying at her house, and right after this string of 
 robberies in the neighborhood. 
 
 Trask. I see ! I see ! A pretty serious business. 
 Most interesting, too. Highly interesting as a problem in 
 detection, eh, Stone?, 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT I9 
 
 Stone. Oh, without a doubt. 
 
 Trask. And far from simple, Mr. Ash, far from sim- 
 ple. To the contrary, I should call it very intricate. 
 
 Stone. Yes, in fact, I should call it the most intricate 
 case we ever handled ! 
 
 (Trask glares at him.) 
 
 Ash (eagerly). Then you'll undertake it? 
 
 Trask. Well, I don't know! (Scratches his head; 
 thinks deeply. ) You see, we have so much on hand now ! 
 
 Ash. But this is only for a few days — from now till 
 Monday — barely three d^ys. 
 
 Trask. Yes, but this is a new case. We have others 
 waiting. (After a moment's meditation.) Stone, do 
 you suppose we could drop the Von Elsener case for a 
 few days, and the Schuyler Westmore case ? 
 
 Stone (taking out a note-hook and consulting it). 
 Why, yes, I suppose we could inanage it. 
 
 Trask. Very well, then, Mr. Ash ; we'll take the case ! 
 
 Ash. Fine ! Splendid ! And now I'm going to make 
 a suggestion. Mrs. Carr wants a detective. Well, sup- 
 pose we give her two ! I'll go as one of the guests, and 
 your partner, Mr. Stone, can go disguised as a butler! 
 
 (Stone collapses.) 
 
 Trask. Why, why, of course ! That's a fine idea ! 
 
 Stone. But see here, I 
 
 Trask. You shut up! It's a fine idea, and you're 
 going as a butler ! 
 
 Stone. But, but 
 
 Trask. Now that'll do ! Remember, I'm the brains 
 of this firm. Mr. Ash, your idea is exactly the thing. 
 Mr. Stone can be on the scene, and act both as protection 
 for the necklace and as your instructor. I will stay at a 
 hotel in the village and keep my eye open for suspicious 
 characters. 
 
 Ash. Great ! And now, I don't think we ought to 
 lose any time. The sooner we get out there and see the 
 lay of the land the better. (Trask nods approvingly.) 
 My car's down-stairs. Give me five minutes to pack, 
 and we can start immediately. 
 
20 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Trask. That's the idea ! 
 
 Ash. Then if you'll excuse me? {He starts out R.) 
 Neewah ! Neewah ! 
 
 {He goes out r. Trask turns to Stone joyfully.) 
 
 Trask. Eddie! A gold mine! The Bank of Eng- 
 land ! The Kimberly diamond fields, all in one ! Eddie, 
 we're going to make Vernon Castle turn green with envy ! 
 (Stone shakes his head gloomily.) Well, what's the 
 matter? Don't you get me ? We've struck it rich ! 
 
 Stone. Chub — I don't like it ! It don't look good to 
 me. Did you hear what he said about sending us up the 
 river if he got wise we were a con game ? 
 
 Trask. Con game? We won't work any con game! 
 We'll give him the goods ! We'll make a regular detect- 
 ive out of him ! 
 
 Stone. What do you mean ? 
 
 Trask. Why, don't you see? He won't know that 
 the tricks we teach him are old stuff to every newsboy in 
 town! 
 
 Stone. You mean you're going to kid him along with 
 all that Nick Carter dope we pull on the regular boobs ? 
 
 Trask. Sure ! He'll never get wise ! 
 
 Stone. Maybe not. But if I'd ever been kidded by 
 a man-eating grizzly and gotten back to home and mother, 
 believe me it would take some kidder to ever kid me 
 again ! 
 
 Trask. That's all right. I think he's bluffing. You 
 watch. We're going to clean up ! We'll watch our 
 chance, get our hooks on a pile of his coin. Then over 
 the hills and far away ! 
 
 Stone. Or up the river and far away ! Say, I'll bet 
 that guy would blow in a couple of million to get us if 
 we made a monkey of him ! 
 
 Trask. That's all right. Leave it to me. Remem- 
 ber, I'm the brains of this firm. 
 
 Stone. And I'm the nerves. 
 
 Trask. Shhhhh ! Shut up ! 
 
 (The door r. opens and Ash enters carrying a suit- 
 case. ) 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 21 
 
 Ash. Well, almost ready. (Calls off r.) Hurry up, 
 Neewah ! {Puts suit-case down; sees table, and pauses.) 
 Oh ! {Picks up a revolver; turns to Trask.) Of course 
 I carry a gun ? 
 
 Stone {greatly perturbed). No I No! 
 
 Ash. Oh, I say — really? 
 
 Trask. I — er — hardly think it wise. You see, if 
 anybody found out you were carrying a gun, the whole 
 crowd would know you were a detective in half an hour. 
 
 Ash. Oh, but they wouldn't find out ! I've got a 
 little automatic — no bigger than that ! Slips into your 
 vest pocket, — little beauty ! Shoot a bullet through four 
 men standing in a row ! 
 
 (Stone gasps.) 
 
 Trask. Yes, but crooks hate standing in a row. It's 
 too suggestive. I don't think you'd find four of them 
 -willing to accommodate you. 
 
 Ash. Well, I hate not to take a gun. After all the 
 years I've spent collecting them, too! It's a wonderful 
 collection — over three hundred varieties, and every one 
 of them's killed a man ! Very unique collection — only 
 one of its kind ! 
 
 Trask. M-m-m, yes, I suppose so. I'd like to see 
 it some time ! 
 
 Ash. Oh, it's a wonderful collection. But think how 
 much better it will be after I've been a detective for a 
 year or so ! 
 
 (Stone sinks into a chair.) 
 
 Trask. I — er — suppose you're a crack shot? 
 
 Ash. With a rifle — no ! I'm afraid I'm a bit near- 
 sighted. But with any kind of a pistol — well, they seem 
 to just aim themselves in my hand ! 
 
 Stone. Did you ever — er — bag anybody? 
 
 Ash. Oh, a couple of half-breeds, once. They tried 
 to bluflf me out of my camping outfit, and stole my rifle 
 to do it with. As it happened I had an old-fashioned six 
 shooter in my kit — Civil War veteran I'd picked up for 
 
22 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 my collection. So I took some shotgun shells apart, and 
 loaded the old fossil up with BBs. Say, it was a riot ! 
 
 Trask. You mean you were able to hit anything with 
 one of those old blunderbusses ? 
 
 Ash. Well, it took all six charges. BBs are awfully 
 light, you know. 
 
 Stone. And — and what were the half-breeds doing 
 while you were potting them ? 
 
 Ash. I'm afraid they were pretty bad shots ! 
 
 Trask. M-m-m, I see. And what did the authorities 
 say when you brought in the debris? 
 
 Ash. Oh, they were peevish, of course. But I talked 
 them out of it. Great advantage in handling your own 
 case. 
 
 Stone. Then, then you're a lawyer, too ? 
 
 Ash. Not officially. But I knew enough to get away 
 with it. 
 
 Stone. Oh ! 
 
 Ash. Well, we ought to be off! Wonder what's 
 keeping Neewah. Oh, by the way, have you got a but- 
 ler's uniform among your disguises? 
 
 Stone. No, I don't believe I have ! 
 
 Ash. Then we'll have to get one. 
 
 Trask. We'd better stop at the office for a couple of 
 pairs of handcuffs, too. 
 
 Ash. Oh, no! That's all right! I've got a collec- 
 tion of handcuffs, too ! Just a minute ! 
 
 {He dashes off r. Stone crosses to Trask.) 
 
 Stone. Chub, I don't like this — it makes me nervous. 
 
 Trask. Oh, shut up ! Just wait. We'll get this guy 
 where we want him. 
 
 Stone. Yes. And then he'll dig an Egyptian sling- 
 shot out of his collar case, and it'll just aim itself in his 
 hand! 
 
 Trask. Oh, you make me sick ! 
 
 Enter Ash with a chain on which are strung several 
 dozen handcuffs of all descriptions. 
 
 Ash. Here you are. Take your choice. 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 23 
 
 Trask. Ah — that's fine ! {He picks out several pairs 
 of cuffs. ) You know how to use these ? 
 Ash. Well, not professionally. 
 Trask. Very simple! 
 
 {He slips the cuffs on Ash's wrists and locks them.) 
 
 Ash. Yes — but suppose I was trying to get away ? 
 
 Trask. Oh, that wouldn't make any difference! 
 {Unlocks the cuffs and takes them off.) Go ahead and 
 try it ! 
 
 Enter Neewah with suit-case. 
 
 Ash. No, I want to watch. Try it on Neewah ! 
 
 Trask. Oh, all right! Here, you! {He beckons to 
 Neewah, who comes forward.) Now you try to get 
 past me and get out of that door, see? 
 
 Neewah. Yes. 
 
 {He smiles blandly, but does not move.) 
 
 Trask. Well, go ahead. 
 
 Neewah. No. {He continues to smile.) 
 
 Trask. You see, you're supposed to be a burglar, and 
 try to bteak away and get out of that door, see? 
 
 Neewah. Yes. 
 
 Trask. All right ! Now start. 
 
 Neewah. No. 
 
 Trask. Good Lord ! Now listen, you 
 
 Ash {suddenly remembering). Oh! I say, I forgot! 
 He doesn't understand English ! 
 
 Trask. Good-night ! 
 
 Ash. Here, Neewah! You catchee door {pointing) 
 velly klick ! 
 
 Neewah. Oh — yes! 
 
 {He looks at Trask, then ambles slowly across the 
 stage. ) 
 
 Trask. No, no! Move! More action! Try and 
 get away ! 
 
 Neewah. No? {Looks at him blankly.) 
 Trask, Oh, Lord! (To Ash.) Tell him again! 
 
24 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Ash. Neewah — catchee door, velly klick! Velly 
 klick ! 
 
 Trask. Yes — velly klick, or I'll give you one swift 
 kick! 
 
 Neewah. Yes ? 
 
 Trask. Yes ! 
 
 Neewah. Oh — no! {Smiles sweetly.) 
 
 Trask. Yes, I said! Now catchee that door! 
 
 Neewah. Yes ! 
 
 Trask. Yes ! And velly klick ! My time's valuable I 
 
 Neewah. No ! 
 
 Trask {howling). Yes! You heathen! Now, velly 
 klick — catchee that door, and don't say no ! 
 
 Neewah. Yes ! 
 
 (Trask gets ready to stop him; Neewah looks at his 
 preparations interestedly, then ambles peacefully 
 across the stage. Trask groans.) 
 
 Trask. No! {To Ash.) Say, are you sure "velly 
 klick " doesn't mean " funeral " in Japanese ? 
 
 Ash. I don't know, maybe it does ! Try and show 
 him in pantomime ! 
 
 Trask. Good idea! Fine! {To Neewah.) Here, 
 you — watch ! See, — catchee door, quick, like that, see ? 
 
 {He illustrates by dashing across the stage.) 
 
 Neewah. Oh, yes ! 
 
 Trask. All right ! Now go ahead ! ( Neewah smiles 
 at him, then gallops gently across.) No, no, no! 
 
 Neewah. No? 
 
 Trask. No I Look ! You're trying to make a scrap, 
 see? You're in a hurry to leave, see, this way! {He 
 dashes across the stage, waving his arms and shouting 
 "Hey — get out of my way — hey — look out!") Like 
 that! Then I try to catch you and put these on — see? 
 
 {Holds up handcuffs.) 
 
 Neewah. Oh, yes ! {He waves his arms zvildly, and 
 shouts in Japanese. ) Noiter, noiter, soco noiter, ishinoo ! 
 {Stops abruptly, smiles at Trask.) No ? 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 25 
 
 Trask. Yes ! That's it ! You've got the idea ! 
 
 Neevvah (zvaving his arms and shouting again). 
 Noiter, noiter ! Soco nolter ! Ishinoo ! (Stops, smiles, 
 and points at handcuffs.) Yes? 
 
 Trask. Yes ! Yes ! Fine ! 
 
 Neewah. Oh ! (Nodding under standingly, he goes 
 down R., and takes his position. Trask and Stone brace 
 themselves to meet his onslaught. Neewah stands for a 
 moment waving his arms and shouting.) Noiter, noiter, 
 soco noiter! (He plunges furiously across the stage at 
 them.) Noiter, soco noiter, soco noiter! (As he reaches 
 them, he stops dead, and holds out his hands to he hand- 
 cuffed, smiling blandly.) Ishinoo! 
 
 (Trask and Stone throw up their hands in despair. 
 Ash comes forward, and claps his hands together.) 
 
 Ash. Here's an idea ! I'll give you a thousand dol- 
 lars ; teach him to be a detective too ! 
 
 (Trask and Stone collapse utterly.) 
 QUICK CURTAIN 
 
ACT II 
 
 SCENE. — The Carrs' country place at Tarrytown. 
 Handsome living-room with usual furniture. Large 
 double doorway hack r., showing stairway. The hack- 
 ing must he of a light color, so that the shadow of any 
 one descending the stairway may he plainly seen hy the 
 audience. Entrance front r. Back c. a three paneled 
 mirror, the center panel to slide to one side disclosing a 
 small safe. Safe and one panel of mirror breakaways, 
 safe for an explosion, mirror to crack. From safe to 
 L. glass doorways opening on piazza, covering whole 
 left side of stage, with an alcove at exireme l. with 
 practical doors. Alcove has arch with side curtains. 
 Large doorway hack l. ; fireplace c. l. ; entrance front 
 L. Rocking-chair front l. Medium size table front r. 
 It is about nine in the evening. Lights fidl up; moon- 
 light outside. 
 
 (As the curtain rises the stage is empty. The door 
 front R. opens, and Stone enters. He is in butler's 
 livery, and carries a large tray with coffee cups and 
 so forth. His expression is unhappy; he starts 
 gingerly across the stage. A sharp voice calls off R.) 
 
 Edwards (off r.). Look out! (Stone starts vio- 
 lently; Edwards, a butler, enters, and glares at him.) 
 See here, you drop that tray again and you'll catch it! 
 And try not to spill any more coffee or soup or salad 
 dressing on the guests! Now — get along! (Stone 
 starts to go.) Look out! (Stone trips.) Hey? 
 
 Stone. See here, I 
 
 Edwards. Shut up ! 
 
 Stone. I 
 
 Edwards. Shut up ! Now take those things down to 
 the kitchen, then help cook wash the dishes. And hurry 
 up. 
 
 26 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 2/ 
 
 Stone. See here, I 
 
 Edwards. Shut up ! Get along now ! ( Stone starts 
 across the stage.) Look out! (Stone stumbles, turns 
 and glares at Edwards. ) You big dub ! 
 
 {He goes out r. Stone starts out l., sees small table 
 with whiskey and soda; puts tray down, and pours 
 out a glass of whiskey. As he does so Nee w ah 
 enters back r. and crosses the stage very quietly, 
 pausing just behind Stone. Stone starts to drink, 
 pauses, then starts again; Neewah sneezes and 
 Stone starts violently, spilling the whiskey.) 
 
 Stone. You here again? Well, get out — quick! 
 Neewah (smiling sweetly). Yes? 
 Stone. Yes! Beat it — vamoose! 
 Neewah. No ? 
 
 Stone. No, not " no " ! " Yes! " Clear out, you ! 
 
 Neewah. Yes! {He persists in a bland smile.) 
 Stone. Oh, Lord ! Well, stay, then ! 
 Neewah. No! {He goes out front l.) 
 Stone. Uh ! 
 
 {He pours out a glass of whiskey, and drinks it. He 
 pours out another glass, and is about to drink it; 
 Ash enters back r.) 
 
 Ash. Hello ! 
 
 (Stone starts, spills the whiskey, turns and sees Ash, 
 then tries to hide the glass.) 
 
 Stone. Oh — uh — hello ! 
 
 Ash. Any news ? 
 
 Stone. Not a bit ! 
 
 Ash. Well, I have some! {Comes close to Stone 
 and lowers his voice.) Mrs. Peckham's been called to 
 Poughkeepsie. Mrs. Carr's seeing her off now ; and she's 
 left the necklace here ! 
 
 Stone. Here ? Where ? 
 
 Ash. In the safe! 
 
 Stone {trying to appear calm). Where — uh — is the 
 safe? 
 
l8 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Ash. There — {pointing) back of that mirror, the 
 center one. 
 
 Stone. Oh! Do you — uh — know the combination? 
 
 Ash. No. Why? 
 
 Stone {embarrassed). Well, I just thought, in case 
 of emergencies. 
 
 Ash. What emergencies? 
 
 Stone {very nervous). Why — er — there might be a 
 fire. 
 
 Ash. Nonsense ! Fire wouldn't hurt diamonds ! 
 
 Stone. No — I suppose not ! I say, though — are you 
 sure you ought to have that valet of yours around ? Are 
 you sure he's honest ? 
 
 Ash. Why ? Has he been acting suspiciously ? 
 
 Stone. Well — not exactly. 
 
 Ash. Or maybe he's been acting as though he sus- 
 pected you of something? 
 
 (Stone trembles.) 
 
 Stone. Oh — no! No! But — well, I just don't like 
 having a chink hanging around. 
 
 Ash. Say! You let him hear you calling him a 
 chink, and there won't be enough left of you hanging 
 around to pass as a pinch of dust! (Stone drops the 
 whiskey glass.) He hails from Tokio, and the last man 
 who said " Hello, chink ! " to him cost me over two hun- 
 dred dollars in hospital bills ! 
 
 Stone. Oh, well — of course. 
 
 Ash. Don't worry, I'll keep my eye on Neewah. You 
 keep your eye on that man Edwards. I don't like him! 
 
 Stone {with great feeling). Neither do I! 
 
 Ash. Well, cheer up ! Something may turn up to 
 keep us busy. You know, if nobody does try to land 
 that necklace, I'll be mighty disappointed ! 
 
 Stone {looking covertly at safe). Well — I hope you 
 won't be disappointed ! 
 
 Ash. I hope not ! Now I'm going out to get the lay 
 of the land; if anything does happen, I want to be pre- 
 pared for the trouble ! So long ! 
 
 (^He goes out hack l. into the garden. Stone looks 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 2g 
 
 around hastily, then crosses back r., and carefully 
 examines the mirror, hut fails to find the spring that 
 releases it. Betty Carr, a pretty girl of eighteen, 
 enters from the library front r.) 
 
 Betty. Oh, Stone ! 
 
 Stq-nk (turning, frightened). Eh? Yes, ma'am? 
 
 Betty. Have you seen Mr. Ash? 
 
 Stone. Yes, ma'am. He just went into the garden. 
 
 Betty. Oh, thank you ! 
 
 (She crosses the stage quickly, and goes out back l. 
 Stone watches her, then goes to the telephone 
 front L.) 
 
 Stone. Hello, hello! Give me the Florence House! 
 Hello, I want to speak to Mr. Trask. What ! He's gone 
 to New York! When will he be back? Oh! No, no 
 message. 
 
 {He puts down the 'phone, and curses silently. Takes 
 up the tray, and is about to go. Edwards enters, 
 and pauses in surprise.) 
 
 Edwards. Here, what's the matter ? Why aren't you 
 down-stairs ? 
 
 Stone. I — Miss Carr had something for me to do. 
 Edwards. Oh ! Well, get along, now ! Hurry ! 
 
 (Stone glares at him, and goes out. Edwards looks 
 around him, then crosses rapidly to the safe, and 
 touches a hidden spring. The center panel slides 
 open, revealing a small safe built into the wall. He 
 makes a hasty examination, as though quite accus- 
 tomed to the safe, the indication being that the safe 
 has been previously prepared for cracking when the 
 contents shoidd warrant such a step. He closes the 
 slide; looks at his watch, and then at a time-table. 
 Voices are heard in the garden; he puts away the 
 time-table, and goes out front l. Mrs. Carr, a 
 handsome woman of forty, and her husband, a 
 nervous, jumpy looking man of the same age, enter 
 from the garden.) 
 
30 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Never mind, Stephen ; accidents will hap- 
 pen, and Joe will have the car fixed in the morning. 
 
 Carr. But trolley cars make me so nervous ! And 
 now how will we go for the rest of the people? We'll 
 have to hire a machine ! 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Nonsense! We'll borrow Mr. Ash's. 
 {She has a bunch of flowers in her hand, which she 
 carries to the table front r. ; puts them down, and brings 
 a small vase from another table; shakes it; it is empty.) 
 What a bother — no water ! {She sets the vase down on 
 the table.) Well, I'll wear them. {During the following 
 scene she is busy arranging the flowers as a corsage 
 bouquet. Carr is trying with difficulty to extract some- 
 thing from his inside breast pocket.) What on earth are 
 you doing? 
 
 Carr {bringing to light a muddy horseshoe). Ah — 
 there ! 
 
 Mrs. Carr. But what? 
 
 Carr. A horseshoe, my dear. The best possible luck ! 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Oh! 
 
 Carr. You know, I've been so worried. To begin 
 with, it's Friday; then this morning I met a drove of 
 pigs — that's terribly bad luck. And that dog howled 
 under our window again last night. Oh, I've just known 
 some misfortune was coming! 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Oh, you have? Well, I've got some- 
 thing real for you to worry about! 
 
 Carr {greatly excited). Great Heavens! You — you 
 haven't broken a mirror? 
 
 Mrs. Carr. No, no. {In a low voice.) Emilita left 
 her necklace here ! 
 
 Carr. Whew! Where? 
 
 {He looks toward the safe.) 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Yes, in the safe. But the strong-box is 
 in town being repaired ; so there's nothing but the outside 
 steel door between the necklace and — and anybody that 
 knows the combination! 
 
 Carr. Yes, yes! Thank Heavens that detective is 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 3 1 
 
 here! It makes me feel easier. By the way, who is 
 this Miss Walker, who came at the last moment? 
 
 Mrs. Carr. A friend of Emily's. She telephoned 
 begging me to take care of the girl over Sunday. She's 
 an orphan, I believe. 
 
 Carr. Oh, I see! 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Why, you don't think ? 
 
 Carr. No, no, no! Just that she was a stranger, 
 you know. 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Oh, but I'm sure she's all right. {She 
 crosses l.) Still, I wonder why Emily didn't have her 
 herself. 
 
 {She absent-mindedly begins rocking the rocking-chair; 
 Carr sees this, and rushes toward her.) 
 
 Carr {wildly). Look out, my dear; look out! 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Why, what on earth ? 
 
 Carr {drawing her away from the chair). My dear, 
 you must never rock an empty rocking-chair. It's 
 frightfully bad luck. 
 
 {Sighs with relief, and mops his brow.) 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Oh, rubbish! 
 Carr. My dear — please. Be careful ! 
 Mrs. Carr. Rubbish, I say ! 
 
 Carr. Oh, but you mustn't ! You mustn't talk about 
 the luck that way — not unless you cross your fingers ! 
 
 {He starts looking around the floor.) 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Fiddlesticks ! ( Watching him. ) What 
 on earth are you looking for? 
 
 Carr. Why — why {Triumphantly.) Ah! {He 
 
 bends over and picks up a pin.) There! That will 
 counteract the effect of the chair! {He turns up the 
 lapel of his coat, disclosing several rows of pins, and 
 places the newly found one with the rest.) Now we're 
 all right— for the time being. But do be careful, my 
 dear! 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Yes, yes! 
 
 Carr. I think I'll play a little solitaire In the library. 
 Just call me when you're ready to go, will you, dear? 
 
22 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Mrs. Carr. All right. 
 
 (Carr goes off front r. Mrs. Carr goes to the safe, 
 and lays her hand on it; pauses, looking worried; 
 then makes a gesture of impatience, and starts across 
 stage. As she is standing by the safe a shadow 
 appears on the wall seen through entrance back l. ; a 
 moment later Louise Walker, a pretty girl of about 
 twenty-six, appears coming down the stairs. As 
 she enters she calls to Mrs. Carr, who stops.) 
 
 Louise. Oh, Mrs. Carr ! 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Why, what is it, Miss Walker? 
 
 Louise. I — I have a great favor to ask of you. 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Yes? 
 
 Louise. I wonder if you would mind putting some 
 money of mine in your safe? 
 
 Mrs. Carr (starting slightly; after a moment's hesita- 
 tion). Why — no! Of course not ! 
 
 Louise. Thank you so much ! Here ! (She hands 
 Mrs. Carr a bidky roll of bills.) I had a check cashed 
 this morning and foolishly asked for small bills ; you see, 
 there's only about a hundred dollars there, but it's too 
 bulky to carry, and I don't like to leave it in my room. 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Of course not. (She looks at the roll of 
 bills; she is still worried, though the story sounds plausi- 
 ble.) I — I'll put it right in the safe! 
 
 Louise. Oh, I am obliged ! 
 
 (She watches Mrs. Carr expectantly.) 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Oh, no bother at all. (She goes to the 
 safe, and slides the mirror to one side; places her fingers 
 on the combination, then looks apprehensively at Louise, 
 and shifts her position so as to mask the safe from her 
 gaze; Louise, perceiving this, turns her back and walks 
 away; Mrs. Carr opens the safe door, slips the money 
 in, and slams the door to with a sigh of relief ; closes 
 the mirror, and turns to Louise.) Now I guess it will 
 be all right! 
 
 Louise. Oh, I'm sure it will ! 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 33 
 
 Mrs. Carr. I hope you're enjoying yourself, my dear? 
 
 Louise. Very much indeed, thank you! 
 
 Mrs. Carr. I'm afraid it's been rather dull, but the 
 rest of our guests will be here later in the evening. 
 We're going for them in a few minutes. 
 
 Louise. Oh, it hasn't been dull. Mr. Ash strikes me 
 as being such an interesting young man. 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Why, yes — he was most entertaining at 
 dinner. But that was because my husband was there. 
 I'm afraid you wouldn't get a word out of him alone. 
 
 Louise. Why, how is that? 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Oh, my dear — he's the most frightful 
 woman hater ! A really sincere one, too ! He's simply 
 bored to death with every woman he has to talk to — and 
 of course they're bored, too. 
 
 Louise. How strange! Why, I'm sure I saw him 
 and your daughter just now out in the garden together — 
 and there's the most romantic kind of a moon ! 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Oh, Betty's incorrigible ! She'd try to 
 flirt with the Sphinx ! Of course, my dear, they all try 
 him ! He's tremendously wealthy, and a great catch. 
 But nobody's found the right bait for. him yet. 
 
 Louise. Oh — indeed ! 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Yes, he's hopeless. But the others will 
 be here soon — several very eligible young chaps, and two 
 such charming girls. So you needn't w^orry about Mr. 
 Ash. {She goes to the door front l.) 
 
 Louise. Oh, I'm not worrying about him, not in the 
 least ! 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Well, it wouldn't do you any good if you 
 did ! 
 
 {She goes out. Louise cocks her head on one side 
 and stands thinking, as though speculating on the 
 chances. Then she squints at the safe out of the 
 corner of her eye, crosses the stage, and stands look- 
 ing at it. This constant preoccupation of the entire 
 cast with the safe is intended as comedy, and shoidd 
 he played as such rather broadly. As Louise looks 
 at the safe, Betty enters from the garden in a very 
 much peeved state of mind, and flounces down in a 
 
34 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 chair. Louise watches her for a moment, then 
 comes forward.) 
 
 Louise. Well, did he harden his heart against you? 
 
 Betty (angrily). He didn't have to! He hasn't got 
 a heart. He's got a paving stone ! 
 
 Louise. And with all that beautiful moonlight, too! 
 
 Betty. A lot he cares about moonlight ! He's not 
 looking at the moon. I think he's making a map of the 
 grounds ! 
 
 Louise (catching her breath; after a pause). Oh! 
 Maybe he's a German spy ! 
 
 Betty. No, he isn't ! He's just a conceited young — 
 young crab ! 
 
 Louise. Then — you couldn't make any impression — 
 at ah? 
 
 Betty. He wouldn't even get embarrassed. And I 
 said some perfectly awful things to him! (She gets up 
 and walks around.) And he's picked the first rose of the 
 season — and I want it — and he wouldn't give it to me ! 
 
 (She shakes her head petulantly.) 
 % * 
 
 Louise, .you mean — he refused a lady? 
 
 Betty. Yes ! Even though I offered to make a fair 
 exchange ! 
 
 Louise. What do you mean? 
 
 Betty (coyly). Well, that would have depended on 
 what he thought I meant. (Angrily.) But he didn't 
 care what I meant ! 
 
 Louise. Oh! (After a moment's thought.) Never 
 mind ! I'll avenge you ! I'll get the rose ! 
 
 Betty (changing suddenly; very sarcastic). Oh! 
 You will? 
 
 Louise (moving toward the door). You just watch I 
 I'll get it ! 
 
 Betty (with intentional sweetness). Well, maybe so. 
 Age before beauty! 
 
 (She turns her hack; Louise makes a gesture of mock 
 despair, and goes out into the garden. Betty stamps 
 her foot, and starts to go; Mrs. Carr enters front l.) 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 35 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Well, Betty, are you going to motor over 
 with us? I think there'll be room. 
 
 Betty. I should say so! I'm not going to stay here! 
 Mother, whatever induced you to invite that horrid Mr. 
 Ash? 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Why — er — business reasons, my dear! 
 
 Betty. Oh! And who is this Miss Walker? 
 
 Mrs. Carr. A friend of Cousin Emily's. Why, dear 
 — don't you think she's nice ? 
 
 Betty {angrily). I should say not! She's a cat! 
 But I don't care ! 
 
 {She tosses her head and goes out back r.) 
 
 Mrs. Carr. But Betty, dear, what ? 
 
 {She follows her to the door; pauses, looks at the safe, 
 then goes up the stairs. After a moment the door 
 front L. opens, and Neewah enters, leaving the door 
 open. He crosses the stage, pauses in front of the 
 safe, and looks at it; scratches his head; turns facing 
 the audience; scratches his head; turns back to the 
 safe; scratches his head again; steps forward and 
 places his hand on the mirror; tries pushing it in 
 either direction; examines it closely. Stone enters 
 front L., and sees Neewah investigating the safe. 
 A smile of triumph comes over his face; he advances 
 shaking his finger accusingly.) 
 
 Stone. Now I've got you — you heathen ! 
 
 Neewah {twirling around, and summoning a sweet 
 smile). Yes? 
 
 Stone. You yellow peril! So, you're a crook, eh? 
 
 Neewah. No ! 
 
 Stone. Thought you'd lift that necklace, eh? I 
 knew it, the minute I set eyes on you ! Now just come 
 along with me, and don't make a rumpus ! 
 
 {He takes out a pair of handcuffs. Neewah looks 
 at them and nods in recognition.) 
 
 'Neewah {pointing at handcuffs). Yes! {Waves his 
 arms and shouts.) Noiter! Noiter! Soconoiter! 
 
36 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Stone. Now don't try to get fresh ! 
 Neewah (jumping up and down). Noiter — soco 
 noiter ! Ishinoo ! 
 
 (He dashes at Stone, who retreats.) 
 
 Stone. Oh, you will, eh! (He draws a revolver.) 
 Now come along ! (He advances.) 
 
 Neewah. Yes! (He smiles sweetly; Stone comes 
 nearer.) No! (He holds out his hands to be cuffed.) 
 
 Stone. There, that's right ! 
 
 Neewah (suddenly waving his arms). Noiter — noiter 
 — soco noiter! (Stone halts, and drops back.) Noiter — 
 soco noiter! (Neewah utters a wild whoop, and draws 
 a long, curved, ugly looking knife from under his coat, 
 and brandishing it in the air rushes at Stone, whooping 
 loudly; Stone flies in terror.) Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya ! 
 (He dashes across the stage ; when he comes to the door- 
 way back R., he dodges behind the curtain, then sticks his 
 head out; smiles divinely, and says in a gentle, cooing 
 voice.) Ishinoo! 
 
 (He disappears up the stairs. Stone mops his brow, 
 puts away the handcuffs and revolver. He goes to 
 the telephone, picks it up, then puts it down; crosses 
 to the safe ; after trying for a minute he finds the 
 spring; the mirror slides to one side; his face lights 
 up; after looking all around, he begins to deftly twirl 
 the knob of the lock. A cough is heard off r., then 
 the handle of the door turns; Stone has barely time 
 to slide the mirror to when Carr enters front R.) 
 
 Carr. Oh — it's you, eh? 
 
 Stone. Yes, s^r! 
 
 Carr. Seems to me I heard an awful racket here a 
 minute ago ! 
 
 Stone. Oh, no, sir — not in here ! 
 
 Carr. Mm-m-m-m ! Oh — I say — you're the detective 
 my wife brought out, aren't you? 
 
 Stone. Yes, sir. 
 
 Carr. Oh, yes, yes ! Well, I'm very glad you're here. 
 It makes me feel much safer. ( Under his breath.) You 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 37 
 
 know Mrs. Peckham's gone off and left her damn neck- 
 lace here! 
 
 Stone. You don't say so ! 
 
 Carr. Yes ! It's here — in this very room ! Over 
 there in the safe. Now I've been thinking it over, and it 
 seems to me that it would be an excellent idea if I were 
 to — just as a precaution, you know — if I were to — you 
 see, it's quite a responsibility, quite a responsibility — as I 
 was saying, it would be an excellent idea if I were to give 
 you the combination of the safe! (Stone collapses.) 
 Don't you think it would be an excellent idea ? 
 
 Stone. Yes — I do ! 
 
 Carr. It would be terrible, you know, if anything 
 should happen to that necklace ! 
 
 Stone. Oh, terrible ! 
 
 Carr. You see, it's a celebrated one, quite celebrated, 
 and simply couldn't be replaced ! 
 
 Stone. Of course not — of course not! Uh — have 
 you any idea — how much it is worth ? 
 
 Carr {under his breath). About a quarter of a 
 million! (Stone gasps.) So we must keep it under 
 close guard! 
 
 Stone. Yes — it would be most unfortunate if some 
 unscrupulous person should get hold of it ! 
 
 Carr. Of course — and that is why I think I'd better 
 give you the combination — just so that you can take a 
 look at it now and then — to be sure it's still there ! 
 
 Stone. It would be better if I could keep my eye on 
 it, sir ! 
 
 Carr. Of course — of course! Now the combina- 
 tion (He lowers his voice again.) The combina- 
 tion is, — let me see (He thinks hard.) I have such 
 
 a bad memory — and it's such a long one — seven numbers. 
 I insisted on seven, because it's a lucky number — let me 
 
 see (After a moment's hard thinking.) Ah, yes — 
 
 four to the left— nine to the right (Stone is trem- 
 bling with excitement.) Yes, that's it! Four to the 
 left— nine to the right — seven to the left — (Stone in his 
 agitation begins unconsciously to rock the rocking-chair, 
 beside which he is standing) eleven to the right— four to 
 
38 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 the — no, five — to the — no, it is four — to the left, ten to 
 the — now let's see, is it four — or five? I can't quite 
 
 remember — four — five {He suddenly sees Stone, 
 
 who is rocking the chair to and fro excitedly; he utters 
 a wild cry of warning.) Look out — look out ! Don't do 
 that! 
 
 Stone. What — what? 
 
 Carr. Don't — stop it! There! (He drags Stone 
 away. ) Don't you know it's terribly bad luck to rock an 
 empty rocking-chair? 
 
 Stone. No — I didn't! 
 
 Carr. Well, never do it again, or something terrible 
 will happen ! ( Walks away, mopping his brow. ) Dear, 
 dear, dear! (He starts out front r.) 
 
 Stone. But how about the combination — you didn't 
 finish. 
 
 Carr. No, I can't finish now. It would be bad luck. 
 
 Stone. But — but with such a valuable necklace — it 
 would be so much safer — really, sir — it's your duty. 
 
 Carr. You're right — it's my duty — yes, yes ! Well, 
 let's see — four to the left — nine to the right — seven to 
 the left — eleven to the right — (Stone backs against the 
 rocking-chair; sees what it is, starts violently, shoving it 
 away from him, which only causes it to begin rocking 
 
 again) four to the left (He looks up and sees the 
 
 chair moving, and Stone making a frantic effort to stop 
 it; utters a hozvl of rage and terror.) You're doing it 
 again ! You idiot ! 
 
 Stone. But — but ! 
 
 Carr. Go away — stop it ! 
 
 Stone. But 
 
 Carr. Go away! Go away! Down-stairs — quick! 
 You're discharged! Go away! (He drives Stone be- 
 fore him out front l. ; comes back, looks at chair, groans; 
 then looks about on the floor until he finds a pin.) Ah ! 
 
 (He picks up the pin triumphantly, puts it in his lapel; 
 gives a sigh of relief, and goeS'Out front r. After a 
 moment Asii strolls in from the garden; he is wear- 
 ing a red rose on the lapel of his coat, Louise fol- 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 39 
 
 lows a moment later; evidently she has been quite 
 baffled. Ash pays no attention to her, but sits down 
 on table front r. ; picks up vase left by Mrs. Carr, 
 and looks at it. Louise watches hifH, gravely shak- 
 ing her head.) 
 
 Louise. Still, I suppose you are of some use in the 
 world ! 
 
 Ash {uninterested) . What say? 
 
 Louise. It's the occasional men like you who make 
 life worth living for the chaperons. 
 
 Ash {putting down the vase; speaking in an irritated 
 tone of voice). Well, what of it? I don't see any use 
 in chaperons ! 
 
 Louise {shaking her head). No — you wouldn't! 
 
 Ash. Why should a girl be chaperoned? Isn't she 
 supposed to have enough sense to take care of herself ? 
 
 Louise. No. And she usually hasn't. 
 
 Ash. Well, I think it's because she's chaperoned too 
 much. Now, a man is never chaperoned — and men never 
 get into trouble. 
 
 Louise. Never get into trouble? Oh, dear! 
 
 {She looks very incredulous.) 
 
 Ash. I mean, they're never at a loss how to behave 
 with women. 
 
 Louise. Oh ! Then you've always been closely 
 chaperoned ? 
 
 Ash. Why — what do you mean? 
 
 Louise. Surely you don't esteem yourself a master 
 hand with the fair sex? 
 
 Ash. But I don't want to be ! 
 
 Louise. Ah — a confirmed woman hater ! 
 
 Ash. I didn't have to be confirmed. I was born that 
 way. 
 
 Louise. Then it isn't a deliberate achievement on your 
 part? 
 
 Ash {not following her). What? 
 
 Louise. You can't claim a personal triumph? You 
 can't boast that you're a self-made man ? 
 
40 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Ash (not understanding, and very much bored). I 
 don't see what you mean. 
 
 Louise. Of course you don't. {Rises and goes to 
 him.) But never mind, I'm coming to the rescue! I'm 
 going to give you a lesson. 
 
 Asii. A lesson? 
 
 Louise. A lesson in gallantry — and I'm a splendid 
 teacher ! 
 
 Ash. But — I don't v^ant to be gallant ! 
 
 Louise. Ah — but you should. 
 
 Ash. But I don't ! 
 
 Louise. Young man, you have no idea v^hat a very 
 useful thing gallantry is sometimes. Come, now — prom- 
 ise to do exactly as I tell you. 
 
 Ash. See here ! This is a foolish waste of time. 
 
 Louise. Oh, no, it isn't! No, indeed! (She backs 
 him, protesting, into a chair; shakes her finger at him.) 
 And some day you'll thank me for taking all this trouble 
 with you ! Now for the first lesson. To begin with, 
 it's an absolute rule that you must give a girl anything 
 she wants — that doesn't cost anything ! 
 
 Ash (in surprise). But 
 
 Louise. Yes, I know ! " Expense no object " is your 
 motto — but it's all wrong. Giving a thing that costs 
 nothing is an act of chivalry — anything else is a bribe. 
 
 Ash. I don't see that! 
 
 Louise. I suppose not ! Well, I'll demonstrate — by 
 an example. For instance — I've taken a great fancy to 
 that rose you're wearing. 
 
 Ash (springing to his feet, and pointing an accusing 
 finger at her) . No, you don't ! No, you don't ! 
 
 Louise. Why — why 
 
 Ash. I'm on! I know what's up! Miss Carr tried 
 it a few minutes ago, only she wasn't so clever at it. 
 But Fm wise. You girls have made a bet — and I was 
 to be the goat. 
 
 Louise. No, really. 
 
 Ash. Oh, come — why not admit it? What were the 
 stakes ? 
 
 Louise (shaking her head). But you're wrong, en- 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 4I 
 
 tirely wrong! Why, don't you know that women never 
 bet with each other? 
 
 Ash. Nonsense! Why not? 
 
 Louise. Because all women know that a woman never 
 pays a bet. 
 
 Ash. Well, anyway, you must have some darn good 
 reason for wanting this rose. Why, you're wearing some 
 flowers now! {Points to her corsage bouquet.) 
 
 Louise. But 
 
 Ash. Then you surely don't need this one — and 
 you're not going to get it. 
 
 Louise. Oh — I'm not? 
 
 Ash {firmly). No! {Turns his hack, walks away, 
 and sits on edge of table front r.) And I guess we'd 
 better call the gallantry lesson off. 
 
 (Louise turns and walks away a few steps; Ash takes 
 out a penknife and begins to manicure himself; 
 Louise decides to start over, and turns; sees what hf 
 is doing, and instantly becomes furious; stamps her 
 foot, and goes out back l. ; a moment later the piano 
 is heard violently banging at Chopin. The door 
 front R. opens and Carr enters. He sees Ash busy 
 with his nails and a look of anguish comes over his 
 face.) 
 
 Carr. Look out, look out! {He rushes to him and 
 takes the knife away. ) Stop ! You mustn't ! 
 
 {Gasps in his excitement.) 
 
 Ash. Why — what on earth ? 
 
 Carr {in a mysterious whisper). You must never cut 
 your nails on Friday! If you do, it means you'll have 
 the toothache for a week ! 
 
 Ash. Nonsense ! 
 
 Carr. Shhhhh ! Please — please ! {He starts looking 
 around on the floor; Ash watches him in amazement.) 
 Ah ! {Points on floor.) There — now pick that up ! 
 
 Ash. What? 
 
 Carr. That pin ! 
 
 Ash. But ! 
 
42 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Carr. Go ahead! 
 
 Ash. Well? {He picks up the pin.) 
 
 Carr {heaving a sigh). Ahhhh ! Now you won't 
 have the toothache ! 
 
 Ash. Oh — I'm glad to hear it ! 
 
 Carr. I was just looking for you. {Lowers his 
 voice.) Mr. Ash, my wife tells me you're something of 
 an amateur detective. 
 
 Ash. Why — yes ! 
 
 Carr. Ah — then you can help me! See {He 
 
 crosses to safe, and slides panel.) In this safe is a 
 valuable necklace — Mrs. Peckham's. Now I'm very 
 much worried about it {closing panel) and I want to give 
 you the combination — so that you can keep your eye 
 on it! 
 
 Ash. But why not keep your own eye on it? 
 
 Carr {ominously) . Because something might happen 
 to me! {Lowers his voice.) This morning I met a 
 drove of pigs, and that always means some impending 
 disaster ! 
 
 Ash. Nonsense ! 
 
 Carr. Shhhhh ! Don't joke about the hand of Fate I 
 
 Ash. Well, if you think it safer • 
 
 Carr. Yes, yes! I just consulted the cards, and it 
 came diamonds and hearts twice. That means there is 
 going to be a love affair mixed up with that necklace. 
 Now you're not the sort to make a fool of yourself about 
 a woman, eh? 
 
 Ash {emphatically). Certainly not ! 
 
 Carr. Good ! Now here's the combination — learn it, 
 then destroy this paper. {Hands him a slip of paper.) 
 
 Ash. Of course. 
 
 Carr. Ah — now I feel easier! {Starts out; pauses.) 
 But — you know, I'd feel absolutely safe if I knew that 
 everything was auspicious ! Let me see ! ( Thinks a 
 moment.) Ah — I have it ! The very thing ! {Turns to 
 Ash, beaming.) Turn up your left trouser cuff. 
 
 Ash. What? 
 
 Carr. Go ahead! Go ahead! {Asti, mystified, does 
 so.) Now hold up your left hand — over your head. 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 43 
 
 (Ash does so; Carr picks up a chair, and places it be- 
 fore him.) Now walk around that three times. 
 
 Ash. See here, I 
 
 Carr. Shhhh ! Look out ! Don't break the charm 
 now it's started! That would be terribly bad luck! 
 
 (He crosses his fingers of both hands, and nods 
 vehemently to Ash to go ahead.) 
 
 Ash. Well ! 
 
 (Decides to humor him; walks around the chair three 
 times. ) 
 
 Carr (with a deep sigh). Ah! A^ow everything will 
 be all right ! 
 
 (Replaces chair, sighs contentedly, beams at Ash, and 
 goes out front r. Ash looks after him; shakes his 
 head; turns down his irouser cuff. Takes the slip 
 of paper out of his pocket, and looks at it a moment, 
 then tears it up; looks fixedly at the safe; scratches 
 his head; is obviously a prey to curiosity. Finally 
 he goes to the safe, slides the panel, and begins to 
 twirl the combination. The sound of the piano in 
 the next room, which has been faintly heard through 
 the preceding scene, ceases. Ash finishes the com- 
 bination, and tries to open the door; it does not open. 
 He starts the combination again. The door back l. 
 opens, and Louise comes in very quietly. She sees 
 Ash, and starts back in surprise. She watches him 
 for a moment, then cries in a sharp voice.) 
 
 Louise. What are you doing? 
 
 Ash (turning in confusion; closing panel). Why — 
 why 
 
 Louise (accusingly). You were trying to find the 
 combination. 
 
 Ash. I wasn't ! I know it already 
 
 Louise. You know the combination? 
 
 Ash. Mr. Carr gave it to me. 
 
 Louise. Why ? 
 
 Ash. Because — because — none of your business ! 
 
44 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Louise. I don't believe you! I'm going to scream 
 for help ! 
 
 Ash {excitedly). No — no ! 
 
 Louise. If you're innocent, why are you afraid? 
 
 Ash {lamely). Well — I don't want the servants to 
 know that — that 
 
 Louise. Know what? 
 
 Ash. Oh, the devil ! Why don't you ask Mr. Carr — 
 he's in the library. 
 
 Louise. No ! I'm going to make a scene ! 
 
 Ash. No — please ! 
 
 Louise. Yes — I'm going to scream for help. 
 
 Ash {cofning to her, imploringly). No — you mustn't. 
 
 Louise. Yes, I will. 
 
 Ash. No ! 
 
 Louise. Yes ! I'm going to scream ! 
 
 {She has worked herself up to an appearance of great 
 excitement and fear, almost to the point of hysteria. ) 
 
 Ash. No — no ! 
 
 Louise. I'm going to scream — I'm going to scream — 
 {suddenly letting down; very calmly) unless — you give 
 me that rose ! 
 
 Ash. What? 
 
 Louise. That rose — give it to me. 
 
 Ash. But {He is a little dazed.) 
 
 Louise. Give it to me — quick — or I'll scream. 
 
 Ash {not yet awake; fumbling at the rose). 
 Why ? 
 
 Louise. Quick! Give it to me! (Ash hands her 
 the rose; she takes it and runs part way across the stage; 
 pauses, and looks hack at him; he realizes what she has 
 done, and a furious look comes over his face; she giggles, 
 and begins to pick the petals from the rose.) He loves 
 me — he loves me not — he loves me 
 
 {She hursts into triumphant laughter, and runs out 
 back L. ; the piano breaks forth into a gay, mocking 
 ragtime. Ash stamps his foot in anger, and starts 
 to go; Mrs. Carr appears hack r., dressed for 
 motoring.) 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 45 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Dear Mr. Ash ! 
 
 Asii. Yes, Mrs. Carr? 
 
 Mrs. Carr. I'm sure you won't mind if we borrow 
 your car for a few minutes? Mrs. Peckham has ours, 
 and we must run over to my sister's for the rest of the 
 guests. 
 
 Ash. Certainly — certainly. Don't you want me to 
 drive you over? 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Oh, no, I drive very well — and you 
 mustn't go av/ay for a moment. 
 
 {She nods toward the safe.) 
 
 Ash. Of course ! I'll get the car out for you. 
 
 (Mrs. Carr starts dozvn r. ; pauses.) 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Oh, dear, Emily's umbrella — I left it up- 
 stairs. {She starts hack r.) 
 
 Ash. No — no — let me get it. 
 
 Mrs. Carr. It's right at the head of the stairs. Call 
 to Betty. 
 
 Ash {at the foot of the stairs). It's all right — here's 
 Neewah ! Neewah — catchee brolly — there, that's it ! 
 All right ! 
 
 {He crosses stage and goes out of French zvindow.) 
 
 Mrs. Carr {opening library door). Come, Ste- 
 phen — ! 
 
 Carr {off r.). Yes, my dear! (Mrs. Carr goes off 
 after Ash. Neewah comes down-stairs carrying um- 
 brella. As he gets half-way across stage Carr enters 
 front R.) Here! What are you doing with that 
 umbrella ? 
 
 Neewah {pausing). Yes? 
 
 Carr. What are you doing with that umbrella? It 
 isn't raining. 
 
 Neewah. No? {Points at umbrella.) 
 
 Carr. Yes, that umbrella ! 
 
 Neewah. Oh — yes! {Starts to open it.) 
 
 Carr {in terror). Don't open it! Don't open it! 
 
 Neewah. No? 
 
46 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Carr. No! (Lowers his voice.) It's the worst luck 
 in the world ! 
 
 {He points heavenward, and shakes his head sadly.) 
 
 Neewah (looking upward, thinks he comprehends). 
 Oh — yes! (With a quick movement he opens the um- 
 brella, and holds it out to Carr, smiling triumphantly.) 
 No? 
 
 Carr (roaring). Look out! Idiot! (He snatches 
 the umbrella, and closes it.) Go away! Go away! 
 Wahhhhhhh ! (He waves his arms at Neewah.) 
 
 Neewah (backing away). Yes! No! 
 
 (He takes hold of the rocking-chair, and begins to rock 
 it back and forth. Carr howls at him.) 
 
 Carr. Stop it ! Stop it ! 
 
 (He makes for him, brandishing the umbrella. Nee- 
 wah dodges and runs to entrance back r.) 
 
 Neewah (over his shoulder). No! 
 
 (He runs upstairs. Carr gets his breath; thinks hard 
 for a moment; puts the umbrella down gingerly; 
 turns up his coat and trouser cuffs; brings forward a 
 chair; then with both hands held over his head he 
 starts walking backward around the chair. In the 
 middle of it Mrs. Carr enters.) 
 
 Mrs. Carr. What on earth? (Impatiently.) Stephen 
 Carr, stop that nonsense and come along! The car's 
 waiting. (She picks up the umbrella and goes to the 
 door.) Now hurry! 
 
 Carr. Yes, my dear! (He waits till she has gone, 
 then furtively finishes his incantation. Replaces the 
 chair, turns down his cuffs, and starts out. Betty comes 
 down the stairs; Carr turns and sees her.) Hurry, my 
 dear, hurry ! You're keeping us all waiting ! 
 
 (He goes out.) 
 Betty. Yes, father! 
 
 (She follows him. A moment later the sound of the 
 piano off l. ceases, Edwards enters; goes quickly 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 47 
 
 to French window; the auiomohile starts; he returns 
 to entrance front l., and goes out; a moment later 
 he returns.) 
 
 Edwards {calling off l.). Careful, there! Careful! 
 (Stone enters, carrying a heavy load of collapsible card 
 tables.) All right — put them down. 
 
 (Stone drops them with a crash on his own foot.) 
 
 Stone. Owwww ! 
 
 Edwards. Shut up, you fool ! Now, go find out 
 where the guests are; I have some messages from Mrs. 
 Carr. Now hurry! I'll be back in a moment. {He 
 goes out front l. Stone glares after him, then starts to 
 cross stage zvearily; sees the whiskey and soda, and his 
 face lights up. He pours himself one drink, then another, 
 then another. His courage and happiness increase visibly. 
 As he starts to pour another the handle of the door l. 
 rattles, and he drops the glass hastily as Edwards enters.) 
 Well, did you do as I told you ? 
 
 Stone {cheerfidly). Oh, yes ! 
 
 Edwards. Well, where's Mr. Ash, and Miss Walker? 
 
 Stone. There — in the library. {Points R.) 
 
 Edw^ards. And the Jap ? 
 
 Stone. Oh, he's gone to bed. 
 
 Edwards. All right. Now get out! Cook's got a 
 lot of pans for you to scrub. Hurry! {At the mention 
 of cook Stone's face drops, and he goes out front l, 
 slowly and gloomily. As soon as he is gone Edwards 
 locks the door after him, crosses R. and locks the 
 library door; goes to box seat in hallway and takes 
 out a small box-shaped instrument, and starts unwind- 
 ing a wire from it; crosses to switch, and switches 
 out the lights; a moment later a hand search-light is 
 flashed on the safe ; he slides the panel open, and starts 
 connecting the wires; the handle of the door back l. 
 rattles; the light on the safe disappears as the door opens; 
 Louise enters, closing the door after her; the lights are 
 turned on, disclosing Edwards crouching by the safe, 
 revolver in hand, and Louise standing with her hand on 
 the light switch back l. ; she gives a slight gasp, and turns 
 
48 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 out the lights again; the stage is in total darkness except 
 for the broad patch of bluish light made by the moon- 
 light showing through the French zvindow.) Get away 
 from that door. 
 
 Louise. Don't move ! Don't dare move ! 
 
 Edwards. Get away from that door! (Suddenly 
 Louise's silhouette is seen against the moonlit zvindow; 
 she has seized one of the chairs standing beside the door, 
 and now hurls it through the dark tozvard the safe; there 
 is a crash, and a cry of pain.) Damn you 
 
 {There is a pistol shot from the direction of the safe, 
 then another, just as Louise is seen to throw another 
 chair; there is a crash and a groan, then silence. 
 After a moment Louise switches on the lights; Ed- 
 wards is lying in a heap on the floor by the safe. 
 She moves slowly toward him, frightened. There 
 commences a violent knocking on the door front L. 
 as Asii comes dashing in from the garden and Nee- 
 WAH appears from upstairs.) 
 
 Ash. What's the matter? What's up? (Edwards 
 struggles to his feet, stoops and picks up the revolver, and 
 is about to aim it, when Neewah, appearing behind him, 
 knocks it from his hand.) No, you don't! That's the 
 idea, Neewah ! 
 
 (He picks up the revolver, and covers Edwards, while 
 Neewah hastily goes through his pockets. Louise 
 goes to door front l., and unlocks it. Stone enters.) 
 
 Stone. What Is it? 
 
 Ash. a thief — let's have your handcuffs. 
 
 Stone (sees who it is, and his face lights up). Ah! 
 
 (Stone crosses to Edwards and handcuffs him. Ash 
 turns to Louise.) 
 
 Ash. Now — tell us what happened ? 
 
 Louise. Why — I came in, and foimd the lights turned 
 off — and when I turned them on, there he was — by the 
 safe, holding a revolver — so I switched off the lights 
 again, and threw a chair at him. 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 49 
 
 Ash. What ? 
 
 Louise. And he shot at me — twice. So I threw an- 
 other chair at him — and — and got him. Then I turned 
 1 up the hghts — then you came. 
 ' Ash. W-w-why ? 
 
 Stone (examining the safe). Look — he's got his 
 holes bored and everything! Must have done it weeks 
 ago. It's a long job. All he had to do was connect the 
 wires. (Follows wires out to hall, and holds up the 
 generator.) See, all he had to do was to push this 
 plunger, and the trick was turned ! 
 
 Ash. Great Scott! VVh-what shall we do? 
 
 Stone. Do? Leave this for the police to see, and 
 take this fresh guy to the coop. 
 
 Ash. Yes, yes, of course! You and Neewah take 
 him — I'll stay here and stand guard. 
 
 Stone. Sure ! Come along, now ! (He gives Ed- 
 wards' arm a vicious yank.) Hurry, now — beat it! 
 
 (As Edwards goes out the door Stone administers a 
 skilfid kick; he and Neewah follow him out. Ash 
 is examining the safe; Louise sits down on the edge 
 of a chair for a moment; passes her hand over her 
 face as though still a little dazed; then rises, and 
 starts to go.) 
 
 Ash. I say — don't go — wait. 
 
 Louise. Why! (She pauses.) 
 
 Ash (coming to her; seizing her by the arm). I — 
 I (Vigorously pointhlank.) Will you marry me? 
 
 Louise (starting hack, gasping). Why — why, no — I 
 don't think so. 
 
 Ash. Don't think ! I don't want you to think ! Did 
 you think just now when you were throwing chairs at 
 that chap? Well, don't think now — just come ahead and 
 get married ! 
 
 Louise. But — but this is so sudden ! 
 
 Ash. Yes ! I like sudden things — they mean busi- 
 ness ! Do it now ! Strike while the iron's hot ! Obey 
 that impulse! He who hesitates is lost! Eventually; 
 why not now? 
 
50 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Louise. But — but you're a woman-hater — a con- 
 firmed, professional woman-hater! 
 
 Aspi. But I don't hate you ! 
 
 Louise. You did a minute ago ! 
 
 Ash. But I don't now — really I don't! 
 
 Louise (curtseying). Thank you! 
 
 Ash. I think you're the nerviest girl in the world ! 
 
 Louise. And that's enough to make you want to 
 marry me ? 
 
 Ash. You bet it is! 
 
 Louise. I suppose it would take a lot of nerve to 
 marry you ! 
 
 Ash. I don't see that. 
 
 Louise. To marry a man whose only hobby is excite- 
 ment ? 
 
 Ash. But it isn't ! I go in for a lot of other things, 
 golf — tennis — polo. 
 
 Louise. Oh, yes ! All . those nice, domestic things ! 
 Don't you indulge in any indoor sports — like — like 
 Brahms, for instance? 
 
 Ash. Like who ? 
 
 Louise. Or Strauss — he's quite exciting! 
 
 Ash. I don't get you. 
 
 Louise. You see, it wouldn't work. I'm not very 
 much interested in your hobbies, and you're not at all 
 interested in mine. You — you don't even know who 
 they are! I — I'm afraid you'd better stick to playing — 
 detective ! 
 
 Ash (in astonishment). Playing detective? Why — 
 how do you know that? 
 
 Louise. Oh, I know a lot of things ! 
 
 (He looks at her, puzzled.) 
 
 Ash. Well — I'll admit I like excitement, but — but 
 after what you just did, I've lost all interest in anything 
 except — except you. 
 
 Louise. Even in your — gun collection ? 
 
 Ash. My ! Who told you I had one ? 
 
 Louise (laughing gaily). You know, I'm really a 
 very timid, nervous person— I don't think I could stand 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 5 1 
 
 living in the same house with over three hundred imple- 
 ments of destruction ! 
 
 Ash. Well— I'll sell the collection ! 
 
 Louise. Oh, no! I'm sure you wouldn't feel safe 
 without it. 
 
 Asii. Safe? With you around I'd feel safe in a den 
 of lions ! 
 
 Louise. Heavens ! Am I as terrible as that ? 
 
 Ash. No — I didn't mean 
 
 Louise. Of course not! You meant Fd play the 
 piano to them. " Music hath charms." 
 
 Ash {abruptly; with deadly earnestness). See here! 
 You're laughing at me! That's not fair. I think you. 
 might be serious. It's mighty serious to me ! 
 
 Louise {changing her manner; gently hut firmly). 
 Then I will be serious. You think you want me to marry 
 you — because it's the conventional question to ask a girl 
 you admire. But — but you really don't want me. Not 
 one bit. 
 
 Ash. Why do you say that? 
 
 Louise. Because if you really wanted to marry me — 
 you'd be in love with me. 
 
 Ash. But I am in love with you! 
 
 Louise {slowly shaking her head) . No — because you 
 don't know what love is. You don't know how to love, 
 because you've never done it. You've never learned. 
 {She pauses; places her hand on his arm.) And I am 
 serious. And I do like the compliment you've paid me. 
 It's the prettiest compliment a man can pay a woman. 
 {Holds out her hand to him; gently.) Thank you. 
 
 Ash {bewildered; takes her hand clumsily, then drops 
 it). But — but — I want to learn how to be in love. Why 
 can't Do you know how? 
 
 Louise {a little embarrassed). I — I think so. 
 
 Ash. Then why ? {Excitedly.) See here, I'll 
 
 pay you a thousand dollars a day to teach me how to be 
 in love. 
 
 Louise. Why — what 
 
 Ash. a little while ago you offered to teach me to be 
 gallant. Well, now I take your offer — and add all the 
 
^2 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 rest — falling in love — writing love letters — what kind of 
 flowers to send— how to propose— everything ! Here— 
 I'll give you a check for your first week's salary ! 
 
 (He takes out check book, sits down, and starts to 
 write out a check.) 
 
 Louise {her breath entirely gone). But — I — I 
 
 Ash. Here. {He hands her the check.) 
 
 Louise {wildly). No — no! I couldn't — really — I — 
 
 I {Imploringly.) Oh, don't you understand? It 
 
 isn't a thing that can be learned. It just happens ! 
 
 Ash. But I tell you it has happened ! 
 
 Louise {shaking her head; gravely). No — it hasn't. 
 Because if it had, I'd feel it, — some way. And I don't 
 feel — anything. 
 
 Ash. You haven't any use for me? 
 
 Louise. I didn't say that! I like you — truly I do — 
 more than I would have thought possible. But I don't 
 love you. And you don't love me. 
 
 Ash {looking at her for a long time; quietly). Then — 
 then good-bye! {He holds out his hand.) 
 
 Louise {surprised and a little confused). Why — 
 you're not going away. 
 
 Ash. Yes — I can't stay now. 
 
 Louise. Oh— but — but you mustn't. 
 
 Ash. But I must. 
 
 Louise {trying desperately for an excuse to keep him). 
 Think — it — it would spoil Mrs. Carr's plans. 
 
 Ash. Nonsense ! 
 
 Louise. And — and the necklace — you mustn't leave it 
 unprotected. 
 
 Ash. I'll stay till Stone gets back. 
 
 Louise. Stone? 
 
 Ash. Yes — he's the real detective. 
 
 Louise. Oh ! 
 
 Ash. I'm simply his pupil. 
 
 Louise. But — if anything happened while he was 
 gone — you'd know what to do, wouldn't you ? 
 
 Ash. I think so — you needn't be frightened. 
 
 Louise. Oh, I wasn't frightened. 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 53 
 
 Ash. Of course not ! I forgot ! (Holds out Ms 
 hand. ) Well — good-bye ! 
 
 Louise {after a pause). Good-bye ! 
 
 (They shake hands. Ash stands for a moment ex- 
 pectantly, as though zvaiting for her to go; she turns 
 away, and calmly seats herself; he looks annoyed, 
 and goes to the French window; pauses, and looks 
 back; she does not notice him; he goes out. As soon 
 as he is gone she springs to her feet, and goes to look 
 after him; then returns, and stands in the center of 
 the stage for some time, as though trying to make up 
 her mind about something ; finally turns toward the 
 safe, and looks at it; cocks her head on one side; 
 then claps her hands together excitedly ; looks out of 
 the French window, and quickly runs upstairs. The 
 curtain on the hall doorway is half drawn, shutting 
 off the view of the stairs. Ash enters, looks around, 
 sees he is alone, sits down front l., and takes out a 
 cigarette; lights it. The light on the stairway goes 
 out. A moment later a hand comes from behind the 
 hallway curtain, and feels around till it finds the 
 switch; the lights go out, leaving the stage entirely 
 dark except for the moonlight ; a moment later a 
 loud explosion is heard from the direction of the 
 safe. ) 
 
 Ash. Hell ! 
 
 {He is heard running across the stage, and then the 
 lights flash on. Without stopping he flings aside the 
 curtain and turns the switch lighting the stairway 
 light; runs a few steps up, looking for signs of the 
 thief. As the lights go on, the front of the safe is 
 lying on the floor, and the inside of the safe is empty. 
 Louise is crouched beside the table front r. ; as Ash 
 turns and reenters the room she is just finishing the 
 act of placing some object in her stocking; Ash sees 
 this and comes toward her quickly. She straightens 
 up and clasps her hands together excitedly.) 
 
 Louise. What is it? What has happened? 
 
54 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Ash {looking at her keenly). I guess you know what 
 has happened. 
 
 Louise. What do you mean ? 
 
 Ash {pointing at the safe). You don't know how 
 that happened? 
 
 Louise. Great Heavens ! The safe ! Mrs. Peck- 
 ham's necklace ! 
 
 Ash. Yes — it's gone. 
 
 Louise. How terrible ! 
 
 Ash. Yes. {Looks hard at her; she looks hack at 
 him, and assumes an air of guilelessness.) What were 
 you hiding a moment ago ? 
 
 Louise. Hiding! What? Where? 
 
 Ash. You were hiding something — in your stock- 
 ing' 
 
 Louise. In my ? 
 
 Ash. Yes — what was it? 
 
 Louise. I don't think it's any of your business. 
 
 Ash. Yes it is. I came here to protect Mrs. Peck- 
 ham's necklace 
 
 Louise. Why ! You don't suspect me of stealing it ? 
 
 Ash. You're the only person here, except myself. 
 
 Louise. Why — I wasn't even in the room ! 
 
 Ash. Where were you? 
 
 Louise. In the library. {Points r.) I heard the ex- 
 plosion — and came to see what was the matter. 
 
 Ash. And what were you hiding? 
 
 Louise. Hiding? I wasn't hiding anything. I — I 
 was frightened — and — and looked to see if — if something 
 was safe. 
 
 Ash {in a relentless tone). What? 
 
 Louise {looking at him defiantly for a moment, then 
 producing a roll of hills from her stocking; holding it 
 toward him). Now do you believe me? 
 
 (Ash looks at her uncertainly; turns and looks at the 
 safe; she places the hills in the hosom of her dress. 
 Ash sees this, and makes a quick movement indi- 
 cating a realization that there are a number of places 
 ahout her person where Louise coidd hide things.) 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 55 
 
 Ash {looking at her sharply). How much money is 
 there there ? 
 
 Louise {quickly). Ninety-six dollars | 
 Ash. Let me count it. 
 
 (Louise hands him the roll; he counts it; returns it to 
 her with a crestfallen air. Louise takes the hills and 
 places them in her dress triumphantly, then turns 
 on him furiously.) 
 
 Louise. And now I want to tell you that I think you 
 have grossly insulted me! 
 
 Ash {taken aback) . I'm sorry. 
 
 Louise. And I demand a complete vindication ! 
 
 Ash. Well— I 
 
 Louise. I insist upon being searched. 
 
 Ash. But 
 
 Louise. You*re going to search me — thoroughly. 
 My reputation is at stake. 
 
 Ash. Wh-why 
 
 Louise {going to him, holding up her arms). Go 
 ahead! Search me! I demand that you search me — 
 thoroughly. 
 
 Ash. Uh— I— I 
 
 Louise. Search me. Go ahead. Search me. 
 
 Ash. I — I {Explosively.) I won't do it. 
 
 Louise. Well! I just guess you'd better not! 
 
 {She glares at him, turns, and stalks majestically out 
 of the room and upstairs. Ash follows her to the 
 door; sees safe ; examines it; replaces door on hinges, 
 and slides panel; except that the mirror is broken, it 
 looks as though nothing had happened. Ash winds 
 up the wire, and places generator on shelf. Comes 
 forward looking about in a puzzled way; goes to door 
 front R., and tries to open it; it is locked; he utters 
 an exclamation of surprise; turns quickly and looks 
 at stairs. Sits on table and starts to think hard. 
 Absent-mindedly picks up vase; as he moves it he 
 hears something; with a quick movement he looks 
 into the vase; his expression indicates that the neck- 
 lace is there. He puts down the vase, and crosses to. 
 
56 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 the center of the stage; paces up and down for a 
 
 moment. Louise's shadow suddenly appears on the 
 
 zvall by the stairs; she is obviously standing at the 
 
 head of the staircase. Ash sees the shadow, and 
 
 pauses abruptly. He turns to the telephone; picks 
 
 it up; on second thought puts it down; sits by it, and, 
 
 keeping his eye on the shadow, carries on a bogus 
 
 conversation.) . 
 
 Ash. Hello — central? Give me the Florence House. 
 
 Hello — Florence House? I want to speak to Mr. 
 
 Trask — yes. Hello — Trask? Say, I'm up against it — I 
 
 must see you — at once ! No, no — it's only a ten minutes' 
 
 walk— you'd make it quicker. I'll meet you half-way — 
 
 now hurry. 
 
 {He picks up the telephone, and sets it down with a 
 ' bang; walks rapidly to the French window, and out; 
 as he almost disappears from sight he turns and looks 
 over his shoidder. For a moment there is no sign 
 of life; then the shadow grows larger; Louise comes 
 down the stairs. Moving rapidly and noiselessly she 
 goes to the French window and looks out; then 
 crosses to door front r. and unlocks it. She then 
 strolls unconcernedly to the table, and carelessly 
 places her hand on the vase. As she does so, Stone 
 enters through French window. She steps away 
 from the table, and watches him. He starts out l. ; 
 sees card tables, scowls at them, then picks one up 
 and starts opening the legs preparatory to setting 
 it up.) 
 Louise {after a moment' s hesitation). Stone. 
 Stone. Yes, miss? 
 
 Louise. Would you please get me a glass of water? 
 Stone. Yes, miss. 
 
 {He goes out front l. Louise starts to place her hand 
 on the vase, when Neewah enters through the 
 French window. She steps away from the table. 
 Neewah looks at her, smiles benignly, and starts 
 across stage. Sees the broken mirror, pauses, looks 
 at it, scratches his head, then goes out and upstairs. 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 57 
 
 Louise lays her hand on the vase; Stone enters with 
 a tray and a small glass of water.) 
 
 Louise (stepping forward). Oh — thank you. (She 
 takes the glass; he hows, turns, places the tray on small 
 table L., and starts to arrange tables again. Louise looks 
 at him zvith annoyance; starts to drink the glass of water, 
 hut finds it a Jiard job to finish it; finally she gets it all 
 down; indicates by a gidp that it has been a tremendous 
 effort, then holds out the empty glass to Stone. The 
 sound of an approaching automobile is heard.) Stone. 
 
 Stone. Yes, miss? 
 
 Louise. Would — would you please get me another 
 glass of water? The excitement made me quite thirsty. 
 
 Stone (glaring at her, puts table down very de- 
 liberately, gets tray, and crosses to her gloomily). Yes, 
 miss. 
 
 (She places the glass on the tray, and he goes out front 
 L. very slowly. The automobile has approached 
 rapidly, and now stops just outside. The sound of 
 voices is heard, and just as Louise once more places 
 her hand on the vase, Mrs. Carr aitd Betty enter 
 accompanied by two young men and two young girls, 
 in evening dress and carrying suit-cases, all chatter- 
 ing away ftdl speed. ) 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Ah — dear Miss Walker ! I do hope you 
 haven't been lonely. 
 
 Louise. Oh, no — not at all ! 
 
 Mrs. Carr. I want you to meet these young people. 
 Miss Carter, Miss Walker — Miss Howard — and Mr. 
 Evans — and Mr. Corbin — Miss Walker. (The guests 
 bow in turn, and Louise bows in response.) Such a 
 delightful ride we had — the moonlight is so lovely — 
 ^ve 
 
 Enter Stone front l., carrying on his tray an enormous 
 glass of water, at least six inches high. The guests 
 gaze at him in astonishment ; Louise gasps, but pulls 
 herself together, and smiles sweetly. 
 
 Louise. Oh, thank you. Stone. (She steps forward; 
 
58 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 as she does so she drops her corsage bouquet; she stoops 
 to pick it up, and utters an exclamation.) Ah — my poor 
 
 flowers ! See how wilted they are ! Here {She 
 
 takes the glass, pours the water into the vase, and places 
 the bouquet in it; picks up the vase and places it on 
 Stone's tray.) Take them to my room, please — wait, 
 here's the key. 
 
 (Stone takes the key, and goes out and upstairs.) 
 
 Mrs. Carr. Well, I must show you all to your rooms. 
 We'll be down presently. Miss Walker. Come along, all 
 of you. 
 
 (She hustles them upstairs, leaving Louise alone on 
 the stage. She stands facing the audience for a 
 moment, her face expressing mingled excitement and 
 relief; then she turns, and comes face to face with 
 Ash, zvho has entered silently from the garden.) 
 
 Ash. Hello ! I was just looking for you. 
 
 Louise {backing away). Indeed? 
 
 Ash. Yes. I wanted to speak to you alone. 
 
 Louise. Really? Well, what do you want of me? 
 
 Ash. I want something you have. 
 
 Louise. Something — that I have? Something of 
 yours ? 
 
 Ash. No — but I want it. 
 
 Louise. But really — I don't know what you mean. 
 
 Ash. I'm sorry — I think you do know what I mean — 
 and I'm afraid I must insist ! 
 
 Louise. Have you — any right to insist? 
 
 Ash. Yes. 
 
 Louise {her face brightening zvith an idea). Oh! 
 Really ! And — must I give you what you want — now ? 
 
 Ash. Yes. 
 
 Louise {shaking her head coyly). You Couldn't 
 
 you wait? 
 
 Ash. No. 
 
 {There is a long pause, and Louise seems to be decid- 
 ing some momentous question.) 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 59 
 
 Louise (m a tone of happy resignation). Then 
 
 Yes. 
 
 Ksii {in blank surprise). Yes? 
 
 Louise {turning to him; radiantly). Yes! 
 
 {She holds out her arms to his; he looks at her dumbly.) 
 
 Ash {after a moment of amazement). Why — what 
 do you mean by " yes " ? 
 
 Louise. Why — why, the opposite of " no." 
 
 Ash. But — but — that's not what I wanted. 
 
 Louise {piqued). Indeed! Did you want me to 
 say " no " ? 
 
 Ash {completely flabbergasted). Want you to say? 
 {Brusquely.) See here, are you trying to make a fool 
 out of me? 
 
 Louise {with sudden fury). I try to make a fool out 
 of youf Certainly not! But it looks very much as 
 though you were trying to make one of me. 
 
 Ash {taken unawares; greatly confused). Why — 
 why, what on earth do you mean ? 
 
 Louise {speaking very rapidly, and throwing the words 
 right in his face). Simply that when I consent to give a 
 man a definite answer half an hour after he's proposed, 
 I don't like him to try to play any practical jokes! So 
 I'll change my answer, and make it "no " — a very 
 definite " no " ! {She starts to go.) 
 
 Ash {dashing after her, and bringing her down c. 
 again). But — but see here — please. I — I didn't mean 
 that at all. I'm sorry. I— I was thinking of something 
 entirely different. I had no idea that you thought I 
 was asking for — for an answer ! 
 
 Louise. Oh! I suppose you'd forgotten that you'd 
 proposed. 
 
 Ash. You bet I hadn't! It was the one thing that 
 was worrying me. 
 
 Louise. Oh ! But you didn't seem very much inter- 
 ested when I told you I'd decided— and in your favor, 
 too ! 
 
 Ash {completely mixed up). But hang it all — 1 
 didn't {He pauses, done up.) 
 
60 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Louise (seeing her chance; suddenly softening; with 
 an impulsive movement of the hands). I know! I'm 
 sorry — truly I am! Of course, you have so much on 
 your mind to-night — with every one so excited — and all 
 of them depending on you. I am sorry. Will you 
 forgive me? 
 
 Ash. Why — why — of course. 
 
 Louise. And — will you accept my answer? 
 
 {She places her hands on his shoulders, and gazes at 
 him expectantly.) 
 
 Ash {utterly dazed). Accept? Why — yes. 
 
 {She starts to put her arms around his neck; Stone 
 appears descending the stairs. They separate, and 
 stand looking at him as he comes down stage.) 
 
 Stone. Here, miss. {He hands her a key.) 
 Louise. Oh — thank you. (Stone goes out front l. ; 
 as he disappears, Louise turns toward Asii, and starts 
 to put her arms around his neck.) Dearest! (Ash 
 takes her hands in his, and in a second is in possession of 
 the key. He slips it into his pocket, as Louise steps 
 quickly away from him. ) Oh ! Please ! 
 
 {She holds out her hand; he takes it in both of his.) 
 
 Ash {in a quiet, low voice). Well? 
 
 Louise. My key? 
 
 Ash. Oh, don't bother, — it's safe. 
 
 Louise. But please — I want it. Please I 
 
 Ash. Oh, very well. {He takes two keys out of his 
 pocket, and gazes at them, perplexed.) The deuce! 
 Now, which one is yours — and which is mine? 
 
 {He holds them out.) 
 
 Louise. Why? {She pauses, looks intently at the 
 keys, then suddenly seizes them both.) I'll just run 
 up-stairs and see ! 
 
 {She starts for stairs, walking backward, with her 
 hands held behind her back.) 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 6l 
 
 Ash (making a quick move to the doorzvay). Wait! 
 Please ! (He blocks her way.) 
 
 Louise {pausing). I won't be a second. 
 
 Ash {deliberately). Well — all right. And while 
 you're there, you might bring me a flower from your 
 room, — a sweet pea — there are some there, I think — in a 
 little blue vase. 
 
 Louise {looking at him searchingly, then slowly nod- 
 ding her head). You win ! 
 
 {She goes upstairs. Ash takes out a time-table, and 
 looks at it, then lights a cigarette. Louise reap- 
 pears, and silently hands him the necklace.) 
 
 Ash. Now pack a suit-case, and meet me here in 
 ten minutes. {She nods, starts to go, then pauses.) 
 We're going on a little trip — to New York. 
 
 Louise. To — to headquarters? 
 
 Ash. Yes. 
 
 Louise. All right. But — will you answer me one 
 question — truthfully ? 
 
 Ash. Well? 
 
 Louise. Did you — really want to marry me? 
 
 Ash {after a pause). Did you really throw those 
 chairs at Edwards? 
 
 Louise. Yes. 
 
 Ash. Then I really wanted to marry you! (She 
 looks at him for a moment, then laughs happily, and 
 runs upstairs. Ash watches her till she is out of sight, 
 then looks at the necklace; slips it into his inside breast 
 pocket. As he does so Neewah enters and starts across 
 stage. ) Neewah ! 
 
 Neewah {halting). Yes? 
 
 AsEi. Pack my things — all of them — and bring them 
 here quick ! x\nd tell Stone I want to see him ! I'll be 
 in the library. 
 
 Neewaei {nodding affirmatively). No! 
 
 {He goes quickly out front l. Ash goes out front r. 
 A moment later Neewah reappears, and starts 
 across stage. Trask enters through French win- 
 dow, sees Neewah, and calls to him.) 
 
62 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Trask. Here, you! CNeewau turns.) Oh, it's you, 
 eh? Well, Where's Eddie? 
 
 Neewah (grinning at him). Yes? 
 
 Trask. I said where's Oh, the devil ! Here, 
 
 go catchee Mlista Stone, quick, see ? 
 
 Neewah (still grinning). No! 
 
 Trask. You squint-eyed freak ! Velly klick — catchee 
 butler — pie-faced mutt namee Stone — see? 
 
 Neewah. Yes ! 
 
 Trask. Well, hurry up, you benighted heathen ! 
 
 Neewah. No ! 
 
 Trask." You yellow devil ! Hey ! Catchee my 
 fiend — guy with the flat face — hurry up — velly klick — 
 you lowlife! 
 
 Neewah (still grinning.) Yes? No? 
 
 (He blows Trask a kiss, and runs lightly upstairs. 
 Trask shakes his fist after him. Stone enters 
 front L.) 
 
 Trask. Oh, there you are ! Now, get busy ! We've 
 got to work fast! Where's the safe? 
 
 Stone. In this room — all wired and ready. Have 
 you got a car? 
 
 Trask. No — we'll take his — it's there. Come ahead, 
 show me the safe. 
 
 Stone. Here. 
 
 (He leads the way to the safe, and slides the panel; 
 the door of the safe falls forzuard; Stone catches 
 hold of it and prevents it from falling; they see the 
 safe is empty.) 
 
 Trask, Damnation ! 
 
 Stone. They've pulled the job already! 
 
 Trask. Who? 
 
 Stone. Search me ! 
 
 Trask. Stung! 
 
 Stone. That's our luck! Always. 
 
 Trask. Shut up! (He slides the panel back.) Now 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 63 
 
 wait! Let me think. (After a moment.) Ah ! 
 
 Where's Ash ? 
 
 Stone, In the hbrary. (Points.) He just sent for 
 me. 
 
 Trask. Who's in the house ? 
 
 Stone. Lot of guests. 
 
 Trask. Suppose they've left any sparklers lying 
 around loose? 
 
 Stone. Sure ! They're all unpacking. 
 
 Trask (seizing Stone by the arm). Here! Go up 
 and get your hands on a couple of small pieces — rings or 
 brooches — something of Mrs. Carr's if you can — and 
 bring them down here quick. 
 
 Stone. But what? 
 
 Trask. Don't argue! I'm the brains of this firm! 
 Now hustle! (Stone goes out up stairway. Trask 
 takes out revolver, examines it, puts it in his pocket. 
 Mr. Carr enters through French window, carrying a 
 horseshoe in each hand.) Ah! Mr. Carr ! 
 
 Carr. Eh ? Oh, how do you do ! You're the other 
 detective, aren't you? 
 
 Trask. Yes. (Takes Carr's arm; very solemnly.) 
 Mr. Carr, I regret to say that I have very bad news 
 for you. 
 
 Carr (frightened). Bad news? You — you 
 
 (Trask turns toward the safe; Carr looks.) Ah-h-h-h ! 
 It's happened. It's happened. They've broken a mirror. 
 I knew it, I knew it ! 
 
 Trask. But what? 
 
 Carr (trembling). Seven years' bad luck! I knew 
 it, I knew it! Seven years' bad luck! 
 
 Trask (seizing him by the arm, and shaking him to 
 get his attention; very brusquely). Yes, and the first 
 consignment's here. The safe's been blown open, and the 
 necklace is gone ! 
 
 Carr. What — what — you mean ? 
 
 Trask. I mean what I said! It's gone! 
 
 Carr (going to pieces). Arh-h-h ! 
 
 Trask. Now wait — listen ! We've got the matter in 
 hand, and we expect to make an arrest soon. (Stone 
 
64 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 enters quickly.) Here's my partner now! Just trust 
 us; we'll get the necklace. Now you go up-stairs and 
 have everybody ready to come down here when I give 
 you the signal. You understand? 
 
 Carr. Y-y-yes ! 
 
 Trask. You stand at the head of the stairs — I'll call 
 to you. 
 
 Carr. Yes! Yes! 
 
 Trask. Good ! Now hurry up ! 
 
 (Carr goes up-stairs.) 
 
 Stone (in a low voice). I got the stuff! 
 
 Trask. Fine! Now when I tip you off, plant it on 
 him, and leave the rest to me ! (He opens library door; 
 coughs.) Er — Mr. Ash ! 
 
 Ash (entering). Hello! So you've turned up, eh ? 
 
 Trask. Yes, I 
 
 Aspi (rather sourly). You're a little late, I'm afraid. 
 
 Trask (raising his voice). See here! I'm going to 
 do the talking here ! Now let's get down to business ! 
 
 Ash. Business? 
 
 Trask. Yes ! Mr. Ash, you will please sit down at 
 that table and write me a check for $50,000 — payable 
 to bearer. 
 
 Ash. Say ! What is this ? 
 
 Trask. Well, I can tell you one thing — it's not a joke ! 
 So you'd better get it over with as soon as possible. 
 
 Ash. You — poor — nut! Why, you don't think I'm 
 crazy, do you? 
 
 Trask. I will — if you don't write that check in a 
 hurry. 
 
 Ash. Yes? And just why, please? 
 
 Trask, Because if you don't in five minutes you'll be 
 under arrest for the theft of Mrs. Peckham's necklace ! 
 
 Ash. What? 
 
 Trask. Yes. You'll spend to-night in the Tombs, 
 and be railroaded to Sing Sing in a week ! You haven't 
 a chance — it's all fixed. 
 
 Ash. You dirty blackmailer ! Why, you're crazy ] 
 You haven't a thing to base an indictment on ! 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 65 
 
 Trask. We haven't? Well, you just wait and see! 
 
 Now, are you going to come through ? 
 
 As II. No. 
 
 Trask. All right — then you're going to catch it ! 
 {He makes a signal to Stone, then goes to foot of stairs 
 and calls up.) Mr. Carr — ready! (Ash has turned to 
 watch him; Stone slips something into his pocket.) 
 Now! (Trask returns to Asii ; in a lozv voice.) Just 
 remember, this is only a little friendly deal — and when- 
 ever you're ready with the check, you can make your get- 
 away ! {The rest, except Louise and Neewah, come 
 down the stairs, and gather in an excited group.) Mr. 
 Carr, I understand that a valuable necklace has been 
 stolen from that safe? 
 
 Carr. Yes, yes. 
 
 Trask. Has anything else been reported missing? 
 
 Carr. V\^hy — I don't believe so. 
 
 Trask. I think you're wrong. Mr. Carr, will you 
 kindly search the pockets of this gentleman? 
 
 Carr. Why— if — if 
 
 Ash {laughing harshly). Go ahead — search me. 
 
 Carr. Why {He timidly puts his hand in Ash's 
 
 pocket, and draws out a ring.) A ring! 
 
 Ash. What ! 
 
 Carr {excitedly). My wife's! {Plunges his hand 
 into the pocket, and brings out two brooches.) A. 
 brooch — two of them ! 
 
 Betty. They're mine ! 
 
 Trask. See! {To Ash.) You're under arrest! 
 
 Ash. You crook ! 
 
 Trask. Handcuff him ! 
 
 (Stone slips the cuffs on.) 
 
 Ash. I'll get you for this ! 
 
 Trask. Shut up ! (To Stone.) Go through him — 
 see if he's got a gun. (Stone tries all his pockets, and 
 draws forth the necklace; he and Trask gaze at it in 
 amazement.) Good God! 
 
 {There is a dead silence ; Louise comes dozvn the stairs, 
 dressed for traveling, and carrying a suit-case.) 
 
66 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Louise. Why — what's the matter? 
 
 Trask. Nothing — we've simply nabbed a crook. 
 
 Louise. A crook? Mr. Ash? 
 
 Trask. He's the man ! 
 
 Louise. You mean — you think he stole Mrs. Peck- 
 ham's necklace? 
 
 Trask. Yes — and here it is ! {Holds it up.) 
 
 Louise. Oh, but you've made a mistake — a terrible 
 mistake. 
 
 Ash. Sh-h-h-h ! 
 
 Louise. I won't sh-h-h-h ! Do you think I'd let you 
 go to jail in my place? 
 
 Trask. In your place? 
 
 Louise. Yes — / stole the necklace ! 
 
 Everybody. What ? 
 
 Louise. Mr. Ash found it out, and arrested me, not 
 ten minutes ago ! We were on our way to the station — 
 see, here comes Neewah with Mr. Ash's luggage! 
 
 (Neewah appears with two suit-cases and a hat box.) 
 
 Trask. Say — quit it! We caught him with the 
 goods, and if these witnesses don't die before next week, 
 he'll be in Sing Sing! 
 
 Louise. Oh — you think so? Well, I guess if I plead 
 guilty the court will accept the plea! 
 
 Trask. You will? You'll plead guilty? 
 
 Louise. I certainly will ! 
 
 Trask. Well — my God! Eddie, slip the nippers on 
 her! 
 
 (vStone handcuffs Louise.) 
 
 Ash. See here — you can't take her! You've got no 
 evidence ! 
 
 Trask. No evidence? She's confessed before wit- 
 nesses, hasn't she ? Come along, now ! 
 
 Louise. But — but you're not going to take him too! 
 
 Trask. Sure^ — why not ? 
 
 Louise (in amazement). Oh — you beast! 
 
 Trask. Hm-m-m-m! I guess I've nipped a little 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 67 
 
 elopement in the bud! Well, two crooks as clever as 
 you ain't safe wandering around loose. Now just come 
 along easy. {He turns and finds himself face to face 
 zvith Neewah, who smiles politely.) Hello — you here 
 again? Well, we don't want you on our party. 
 
 Neewah. Yes. 
 
 Trask. Say, cut it out ! 
 
 Neewah. Noiter — noiter — soco noiter! 
 
 (Waves his arms.) 
 
 Trask. Here, Eddie, help me fix this boob! (He 
 takes out his revolver, and advances.) Now don't get 
 fresh. 
 
 Neewah. Noiter — soco noiter ! (Trask gets close to 
 him; he smiles and sticks out his hands to be cuffed.) 
 Ishinoo ! {With a quick movement he knocks the gun 
 from Trask's hand; Trask utters a cry of pain; Neewah 
 seizes the gun, and covers Stone, who throws his hands 
 above his head in terror. Neewah takes a gun from 
 Stone's pocket; then points at Ash's handcuffs, and 
 smiles blandly.) No? (Stone sullenly unlocks the 
 cuffs; Neewah points at Louise's.) No? (Stone re- 
 leases her. Neewah hands one of the guns to Ash, 
 bows elegantly, and beams at him.) Yes! 
 
 Ash. Thanks! Neewah, you're a trump! And as 
 for you — all of you — you've given me a tip — and I'm 
 going to take it! You think I'm a crook? Well, I'm 
 going to be a crook ! Now watch me ! Neewah ! Go 
 crankee car! (Neewah bozvs, and runs off back l.) 
 Now — give me that necklace! {He points the gun at 
 Trask, who hands him the necklace.) You! {Pokes 
 the gun in Carr's ribs.) That ring — the brooches — now 
 your watch ! (Carr hands them all over; Ash puts them 
 in his pocket.) Now — you — and you — and you! {He 
 goes through the crowd, snatching watches,^ jewelry, 
 everything he sees; the sound of the motor is heard.) 
 Crook, eh? I'll show you what a real crook is! I'm 
 going to make Raffles and Jesse James look like pikers ! 
 Just watch out for me ! Look for it in the papers next 
 
68 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Tuesday. I'm going to rob the United States Treasury 
 Monday night ! 
 
 {He has driven the crowd hack with the revolver ; he 
 turns quickly, snatches Louise up in his arms, and 
 dashes out to the waiting machine.) 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
ACT III 
 
 SCENE. — Same as Act I. 
 
 (As the curtain rises the stage is dark except for the 
 moonlight at window hack r. The figure of a man 
 is seen crouching on the fire escape outside. After 
 a moment the man cautiously raises the zvindow, and 
 crawls in; closes the window and slowly draws the 
 shade. He holds the shade aside for a few seconds, 
 and indicates that he is watching somebody in the 
 street below. Finally he raises his hand, and thumbs 
 his nose at the unseen person. Then he leaves the 
 window, and tiptoes around the stage, lighting his 
 way with a pocket flash lamp. After investigating 
 both rooms r. and l., he heaves an audible sigh, and 
 switches on the lights, revealing himself to the audi- 
 ence. He is about forty, with glossy black hair, 
 undoubtedly dyed, and an elaborately curled mous- 
 tache; his clothes, though very much worn, are flashy 
 and sportily effective. His manner, even when 
 alone, is undeniably elegant; in short, he is what 
 George Ade would call " the Police Gazette's idea 
 of a real gent." One would suspect him of having 
 passed under various names at various times, but his 
 favorite and best known alias is Baron Plum. The 
 Baron gazes around the room, and rubs his hands 
 together with evident satisfaction. Turning, he 
 comes suddenly upon the collection of firearms which 
 still adorns the table front r. Apoplexy nearly 
 ensues, but he recovers, and continues his investiga- 
 tion. The large clothes closet back c. seems to inter- 
 est him; he opens it, revealing a veritable sartorial 
 mine. His visible joy shows where his heart- lies.) 
 
 Baron (rapturously). Ah! Ah! (He tenderly 
 ondles several of the stnts.) Beautiful! Beautiful! 
 
 69 
 
yO EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 {He comes forward, riihhing his hands; takes a cigar 
 from the table, lights it; goes into next room, and 
 returns carrying two large suit-cases. He takes 
 them to the closet, and prepares to pack up. He 
 puts his head on one side, careftdly selects a suit, 
 folds it up, and lays it carefully in the suit-case. The 
 sound of an automobile is heard stopping outside the 
 building. The Baron pauses, goes to the window, 
 and peeps out; looks worried; takes out his watch, 
 considts it; then shrugs his shoulders and continues 
 to pack. After a moment a key turns in the lock 
 of the door back l. ; the Baron springs up, slamming 
 the suit-case closed and shoving it against the wall; 
 steps quickly into the closet, closing the doors after 
 him. The door back l. opens, and Ash, Louise and 
 Neewah enter.) 
 
 Ash. Great Scott! Neewah, you left the Hghts 
 going ! 
 
 Neewah. Yes ? 
 
 Ash. Well, it doesn't matter. I'll never pay the rent 
 again. Now, hustle, Neewah — catchee some coffee damn 
 velly klick, because we've got to get away from here. 
 
 Neewah (nodding affirmatively) . No! 
 
 {He goes off r.) 
 
 Ash {he is fairly quivering with excitement). Now, 
 just as soon as I get some money and a couple of my pet 
 guns, then we're off for that 1 105 for St. Louis! We've 
 got forty minutes — we ought to be away from here in 
 fifteen! {Slaps his hands together.) Say — this is the 
 life! {He goes out r. Louise looks around her in a 
 dazed way; then suddenly realizes that it is all actually 
 happening, and makes a wild gesture of fright. Goes to 
 the telephone at the back of the stage, and sits down with 
 her back to the audience, and calls for a number; her 
 voice can be heard faintly, but her words are indis- 
 tinguishable. The door r. opens; she sets down the 
 receiver hurriedly, and swings around in her seat; Nee- 
 wah enters, crosses stage; smiles at her, and goes out L. 
 She turns again to the 'phone, and whispers a few in- 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 7 1 
 
 audible words mto the transmitter; hangs up the receiver, 
 and conies down stage in evident relief. Ash enters r.) 
 I say, this is luck! {Holds up several bills.) Six one 
 thousand dollar bills! I forget what the deuce I got 
 
 them for. Let's see Oh, yes, I was going to rent 
 
 a yacht ! Fool idea ! But these will certainly come in 
 handy now ! 
 
 Louise. I should say so! (Tries to work up a little 
 enthusiasm.) And then, you have the necklace. 
 
 Ash. Yes, by Jove — I'd forgotten that. 
 
 Louise. But will it be of any use? You wouldn't 
 dare sell it. 
 
 Ash. Oh, yes, I would! (In a confidential tone.) 
 I'll take it to a fence ! 
 
 Louise. A fence? 
 
 Ash (cheerfidly). Of course, a fence — a professional 
 
 receiver of stolen goods! Only (His face falls.) 
 
 Only I don't believe I know any fences ! (Scratches his 
 head.) Come to think of it, I don't know very much 
 about being a crook! And I've been riding about in 
 taxicabs all my life ! Well, never mind — we'll learn the 
 game soon enough ! 
 
 Louise. Well — what are you going to do first? 
 
 Ash. Do? Why — why — well, I don't think it would 
 do to start right in robbing banks and doing second story 
 work now — not until we've gotten a start and know the 
 game better. 
 
 Louise. You're — you're not going to start in picking 
 pockets ? 
 
 Ash. No, no! Don't worry! We won't be pikers. 
 On the contrary, I think the only thing to do at first will 
 be the Raffles stuff — moving around in high society, and 
 keeping our eyes open for things to lift. 
 
 Louise. But everybody in society knows us! 
 
 Ash. Here — yes. But not in the society w^e're 
 headed for. Out west is our field. We can break into 
 society in some small town on the coast just because we 
 wear the right kind of clothes — and take it from me, 
 there are more diamonds worn out there than in New 
 York. It isn't fashionable any more. 
 
72 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Louise. But six thousand dollars doesn't go far to- 
 ward breaking into society anywhere ! 
 
 Asii. Oh, that's all right ! I've got a lot of worthless 
 mining stock in my desk — we'll take it along and pray 
 that we meet some rich hayseed on the train. (Takes a 
 large, square bundle from his desk.) There! Those 
 ought to be worth thirty thousand dollars, if we strike a 
 rube that's got that much ! 
 
 Louise {getting interested). I could pose as an 
 orphan, who needed the money to keep me from starving ! 
 
 Ash. Great ! We'll buy you some mourning first 
 thing to-morrow ! 
 
 Louise. And Lll need a lot of new gowns — if we're 
 going to break into society. 
 
 Ash. Of course ! And I must take some stuff with 
 me — I don't trust those bush league tailors! (He goes 
 to clothes closet.) Lm not sure that (Sees suit- 
 cases.) Hello — what are these doing here? They were 
 in my room! (Opens door of closet.) Luckily Ld just 
 gotten a lot of new stuff. (Sees a strange trouser leg 
 and a shoe. ) What are shoes doing in here ? Neewah's 
 
 getting careless in his old age — why ! (He grabs 
 
 the shoe, and with a struggle pulls the Baron into view.) 
 Well, who the hell are you ? 
 
 Baron. My dear sir (Regains his poise.) In 
 
 a few words I can explain everything. 
 
 Ash (looking first at the Baron, and then at the suit- 
 cases; with an exclamation of joy). I know — you're a 
 burglar. 
 
 Baron. No — no, I assure you, my dear sir. 
 
 Ash. You're a second story worker, 
 
 (He takes him by the arm, and brings him down stage.) 
 
 Baron. Not at all, sir, not at all. 
 
 Ash. Oh, yes, you are. (He slaps him on the chest; 
 feels something round and hard.) Ah — what's this? 
 (He thrusts his hand in the Baron's pocket, and brings 
 out a pocket flash lamp.) I knew it — I knew it! 
 
 Baron (nonplussed). Really, sir, I can explain. 
 
 Ash (joyfully; to Louise). I knew it! Just what 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 73 
 
 ive wanted ! (To Baron.) See here, old man — I've got 
 1 proposition to make to you ! I'll give you five thousand 
 dollars in cash to teach me to be a second story worker. 
 
 Baron. Why — why ! 
 
 Ash. Or, if you'll find a fence to take over some big 
 stuff — a lot of it. I'll take you into partnership. What 
 do you say? 
 
 Baron. Why — why, my dear sir, I assure you that 
 there is nothing — absolutely nothing — for me to say. 
 
 Asii. Good! Then the deal's closed. You'll find a 
 fence for us right away ? 
 
 Baron. My dear sir, leave everything to me. 
 
 Ash. Fine ! That's splendid of you, Mr. — what was 
 the name? 
 
 Baron. Plum, sir — Baron Plum. 
 
 Ash. All right. Baron — my name is — hold on! I 
 think I'll take a title, too. Let me see ! Ah, yes ! You 
 nay call me Duke of Sherman. 
 
 Baron. I am delighted to know you, Duke ! 
 
 Ash. And this is Miss 
 
 Louise. The Countess de Beaujeraque, if you please. 
 
 Baron. Ah, Countess — I am overjoyed! (He kisses 
 her hand gallantly; Neewah enters bearing a tray with 
 tzvo cups of coffee.) Ah-ha ! And here comes the 
 Mikado himself ! 
 
 Ash. Yes, the Mikado's my valet. Neewah — catchee 
 tiother cup, quick ! 
 
 (Neewah bows, and goes out.) 
 
 Baron. Excellent, excellent ! I observe that this is a 
 democratic aristocracy. Ho, ho, ho ! 
 
 Ash. Yes, yes — but now let's get busy. You see, 
 ^ve've got to get out of here. We've landed this. (He 
 ?xhibits the necklace.) And they're hot on .our trail. 
 
 Baron (devouring the necklace with his eyes). Ah — 
 nagnifique! Magnifique ! But surely, they will spare 
 no effort to — er — get you? 
 
 Ash. You bet — that's why we must be out of here in 
 about five minutes. 
 
74 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Baron. Ah — certainly — we must make haste — we 
 must make haste ! 
 
 {He starts assiduously filling his pockets with cigars.) 
 Ash. Right-o ! 
 
 (He starts hastily throwing suits into the suit-case. 
 Louise is begimting to show signs of nervousness, 
 and looks frequently at the door; finally sits down L. 
 The Baron looks at her closely; strikes a meditative 
 pose, then goes to Ash and takes his arm solemnly.) 
 
 Baron. Duke ? 
 
 Ash. Yes, Baron? 
 
 Baron. Tell me; is this young person your wife? 
 
 Ash. Why — no. 
 
 Baron. And you intend that we go to ? 
 
 Ash. St. Louis, first. 
 
 Baron {with a sweeping gesture). No! No, sir! 
 Not if I am to be a member of the party. 
 
 Ash. But — but you must come. . 
 
 Baron. No! No! {Strikes a pose; tragically.) I 
 have sworn an oath ; never again will I cross a state line 
 in company with a young unmarried female ! 
 
 Ash. Why, what? {The ominous imminence of the 
 Mann Act suddenly dawns on him.) Great Scott, yes! 
 I'd forgotten ! {He looks at the Baron blankly.) What 
 on earth shall we do? 
 
 Baron. Perfectly simple! Marry her now! 
 
 Ash. What? 
 
 Baron. Certainly ! Marriage by contract is perfectly 
 legal in this state. The Mikado and I will act as wit- 
 nesses; I myself will draw up the contract! 
 
 Ash. But — but 
 
 Baron. My dear Duke, leave everything to me! I 
 assure you,T am an authority in these matters! {Goes 
 to Louise; hows.) My dear Countess. 
 
 Louise. Yes, Baron? 
 
 Baron. It has been decided, in — er — executive ses- 
 sion, that owing to the exigencies of the moment, you 
 must immediately marry my old friend, the Duke! 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 75 
 
 Louise. Marry ! Now — here ? 
 
 Baron. Precisely. 
 
 Louise. But it's impossible — in the middle of the 
 night ! « 
 
 Baron. Pardon me — the state of New York, being 
 an enlightened community, recognizes marriage by con- 
 tract. I myself am now going to draw up the contract. 
 
 {He goes to the desk, turns up the typewriter, and 
 inserts two sheets of paper and a carbon.) 
 
 Louise. But I don't want to — I — I won't marry him. 
 
 Baron. My dear lady, you must! Of course, you 
 need not marry him — it may be the Mikado, or — ahem — 
 myself, but you must marry one of us! Choose! 
 ( Louise is silent. ) Then we shall say the Duke ? Good ! 
 
 (He sits down before the typewriter, and starts to 
 rattle away at top speed, maintaining his calm and 
 businesslike air.) 
 
 Ash (after a moment). See here — we ought at least 
 have a minister! 
 
 Baron (without stopping). Of course — of course! 
 Call up the hall-boy, and ask him if there's one in the 
 building ! 
 
 Ash. By Jove — you're a genius! (Dashes to the 
 'phone; takes up the receiver.) Hello — hello — Jim? 
 Jim, does a minister live in this building? Yes, yes — 
 connect me with his apartment. (To the Baron.) The 
 Reverend Francis Macdonald! Sounds fine, eh? 
 
 Baron (shaking his head). Scotch Presbyterian — 
 rather difficult to handle, sometimes. But leave me to 
 deal with him. 
 
 Ash (in 'phone). Hello — hello. Is this the Reverend 
 Francis Macdonald? Your Reverence, will you kindly 
 come to apartment 74 at once? There is — er — that is, 
 some one is very sick — yes — yes — thank you — good-bye. 
 (Puts down 'phone.) I was afraid he wouldn't come 
 if I told him what we really wanted. 
 
76 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Baron. Very clever — very clever. I couldn't have 
 done better myself. {He goes on typing.) 
 
 Ash {starting to go to Louise, has a thought, dashes 
 into room R., and returns; goes to Louise). I — I just 
 remembered — that I had this wedding ring of my moth- 
 er's — will you see if it fits? 
 
 Louise {rising slowly to her feet). Oh — this — this — 
 you're not joking? You mean — you really want to 
 marry me? 
 
 Ash. Of course I do! 
 
 Louise. And you would still love me — if you found 
 out something terrible about me? 
 
 Ash. I've already found out that you're a crook — and 
 I still love you! 
 
 Louise. But if you found out something worse — if 
 you found out that I wasn't a crook? 
 
 Ash. Don't worry — you're going to be a crook, all 
 right. The Baron will attend to that ! 
 
 Louise. But — but I didn't mean that. 
 
 Ash. I don't care what you meant — I want to marry 
 you, and Lm going to! {He holds out the ring.) See 
 if it fits. 
 
 ^Louise {bashfully trying the ring on). Yes. 
 
 Ash. It must have been destined for you! {The bell 
 rings.) Ah — the Reverend Francis Macdonald! {He 
 takes the ring, slips it into his pocket, and goes to door 
 back L. ; opens it. The Reverend Francis Macdonald 
 enters; he is a vacuous looking old dotard, with white 
 side whiskers and bone spectacles; he is bundled up in 
 a large fur coat, and zvears a silk hat.) Come in, your 
 Reverence ! 
 
 Macdonald {coming forward, sleepily). Where is 
 the dying man? 
 
 Ash. Why — er 
 
 Baron {smoothly). Dying man? There is no dying 
 man here — only a blissfully happy young couple, sighing 
 for the holy bonds of matrimony! And you, Reverend 
 Sir, are vouchsafed the sacred privilege of making them 
 one! 
 
 Macdonald. Yes, ves — of course! 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 77 
 
 Baron. Allow me, your Reverence ! 
 
 {He steps to his side, and starts unbuttoning his fur 
 coat. ) 
 
 Macdonald (protesting). No — no! 
 Ash. Oh, yes — we insist ! 
 
 (In spite of the protests, they strip off his coat; Mac- 
 donald stands revealed in a pair of trousers and the 
 top of pink silk pajamas, elaborately embroidered.) 
 
 Baron, x^nd now — let me present the happy pair. 
 
 {He leads Asii and Louise forward.) 
 
 Macdonald. But I haven't got the marriage service 
 here. 
 
 Baron. Never mind, I 
 
 Macdonald. Still, I think I know it. 
 
 {He joins their hands, and starts reciting a Latin 
 service in a singsong voice, speaking very rapidly 
 and without accenting any of the words.) 
 
 Baron. Wait — wait ! I know that one, and it's too 
 long, — much too long ! We're in a hurry. 
 
 Macdonald. But, my dear sir — it is the only one I 
 know. 
 
 Baron. Then I will teach you one — wait. {Thinks 
 hard.) Let's see — no — ah, here's one — a most charming 
 one — and very concise. 
 
 Macdonald. But 
 
 Baron {taking Ash's and Louise's hands in his; 
 demonstrating). "Do you take this woman to be your 
 wife ? Do you take this man to be your husband ? Bless 
 you, my children ! " — Very simple ! 
 
 Macdonald. But, my dear sir! 
 
 Baron. Please — please. I assure you, haste is urgent. 
 
 Macdonald. Well — as you wish ! {Takes their hands 
 in his; in the same singsong voice.) Do you take this 
 woman to be your wife? 
 
 Ash. Yes. 
 
78 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 Macdonald. Do you take this man to be your hus- 
 band ? 
 
 Louise. Yes ! 
 
 Macdonald. I pronounce you man and wife; bless 
 you my children ! {He turns and picks up his overcoat; 
 the Baron helps him on with it, as Ash slips the ring on 
 Louise's finger.) Er — and now — my fee? 
 
 Ash. Oh, yes — of course! {He runs through his 
 pockets; pauses.) Why — I haven't a thing — except 
 these big bills. Baron — w^ill you oblige me? 
 
 Baron {coughing). Well — I — really — I regret to 
 say 
 
 {There is an embarrassed pause.) 
 
 Louise. Oh — allow me. {She produces the roll of 
 bills from her stocking.) I don't know how much? 
 
 Macdonald. Ten dollars, my dear young lady — only 
 ten dollars. {She gives him a bill.) Thank you — thank 
 you. {He puts the bill in his pocket, then lingers a bit, 
 obviously in the hope that she will put the bills back 
 where she got them; she shozvs no sign of doing so; he 
 coughs confusedly, and bows to each one.) Good- 
 night — good-night. {He makes for the door.) 
 
 Ash {showing him out). Good-night! 
 
 (Macdonald goes out. Neewah enters l. with a cup 
 of coffee.) 
 
 Baron. Ah — the wedding breakfast! {He takes the 
 coffee, and drinks it at one gulp.) And now — you must 
 sign the contract. {He looks at the tzvo copies proudly.) 
 If I do say so, I think that it is a work of art! {He 
 hands one to Louise, with a bow.) Dear Madame. 
 (Louise takes the contract; the Baron picks up a pen, 
 dips it in the ink, and hands it to her; she hesitates a 
 moment, then signs the contract; the Baron hands her the 
 second; she signs it. He hands both contracts to Ash, 
 who signs them.) And now, while we witness them, get 
 your things on. Here, your Royal Highness — sign here. 
 
 (Ash and Louise put on their hats, zuhile Neewah 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 79 
 
 and the Baron sign the contract. Louise slips to 
 the window, and looks out nervously.) 
 
 Ash. Well, are we ready? 
 
 Baron. Quite. Now we can start. 
 
 Louise. Oh — but 
 
 Ash. What is it? 
 
 Louise. Do we have to go — why not stay here? 
 
 Ash. What? 
 
 Louise (very nervously). Yes — don't you think it 
 would be safer ? 
 
 Ash. Great Heavens, no ! 
 
 Louise. Oh — but — but 
 
 Baron. Dear lady — time flies. We must leave. 
 
 Louise. No ! No ! I won't go. 
 
 Ash {looking at her sharply). See here — what's the 
 matter ? Who are you expecting ? 
 
 Louise. Why — no one — really 
 
 Ash. You're stalling — you want them to catch us. 
 
 Louise. No — no — I 
 
 {An automobile stops in front of the building. All 
 stand listening.) 
 
 Ash {rushing to the window). It's they! Trask and 
 Stone and Carr ! So that's what you were waiting for. 
 
 Louise. No, no — it wasn't — I swear it wasn't. 
 
 Ash. Well— they've got us. That's sure. 
 
 Louise. No, no ! See, I'll prove I wasn't waiting for 
 them. {Snatches up a smoking jacket, and holds it out 
 to the Baron.) Put this on— when they come, tell them 
 you've sublet the apartment. 
 
 Ash. But the hall-boy will tell them we're here ! 
 
 Louise. Oh ! 
 
 Baron. My friends— (wif/z a szveeping gesture) 
 leave everything to me. When I am through with them, 
 they will be convinced that you started for China an hour 
 
 Louise. I believe it. And you'll probably have sold 
 them Central Park in the bargain ! 
 
 Ash. That's the idea ! Baron, we leave it all to you ! 
 Louise. Quick ! Gather up this stuff. 
 
80 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 {They snatch up the various suit-cases, and go off r. 
 The Baron gets into the smoking jacket, lights a 
 fresh cigar, hunts around on the desk till he finds 
 some tortoise shell glasses and an eye-shade, picks up 
 a book, sits down, props his feet tip, and commences 
 to read. The hell rings.) 
 
 Baron {in a sleepy voice). Come in! 
 
 {The door opens, and Carr, Trask and Stone enter.) 
 
 Carr {waving a revolver). Don't resist — we're 
 armed. 
 
 Baron {not rising). My dear sir, what do you mean ? 
 
 Carr {coming close to him). Why-^who are you? 
 
 Baron. Who are you? Why am I disturbed this way 
 by total strangers ? What is the meaning of it ? 
 
 Trask. We'll show you. There's somebody here we 
 want, and 
 
 Baron {uttering a hozvl, and springing to his feet, 
 tearing off his glasses and eye-shade). Chub Trask! 
 You dirty crook ! And Eddie Stone ! Ah — now I've 
 got you, you lowlives ! 
 
 Trask {falling back). The Baron! 
 
 Stone. Come on, Chub — beat it! 
 
 {He starts for the door.) 
 
 Baron. No you don't ! {He turns, and sei::es two 
 enormous horse pistols from the table.) Come back 
 here! (Stone throws up his hands, and returns; Carr 
 flies to a dark corner.) Now! You two slobs! You 
 will try to double cross me, eh ? Well, now I'm going to 
 get even for the two years I did for you squealers ! 
 
 {He throws up the window, draws a police whistle 
 from his pocket, and starts to blow it.) 
 
 Trask. You damn fool. The bulls want you as much 
 as they want us. 
 
 Baron. Yes — but this time I'm going to be the one 
 to squeal. 
 
 {He blows two piercing blasts. As he does so, Stone 
 seises Trask's arm.) 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 8 1 
 
 Stone {excitedly). Chub — those guns of his ain't 
 loaded. 
 
 Tkask. Good God — that's so. 
 
 {Together they rush the Baron, and in a moment he is 
 securely handcuffed. The job is hardly done when 
 Ash conies in; Trask closes with him, and after a 
 short struggle gets him cuffed; meantime Stone 
 covers Neewaii with his revolver, but keeps well 
 away from him.) 
 
 Ash. Damn you ! 
 
 {Although his hands are bound behind his back, he 
 dives at Trask, and knocks him staggering across 
 the room. As he does so the door opens, and Judge 
 Harrison comes striding into the room, followed by 
 a Policeman.) 
 
 Trask {turning and seeing him, backing away). 
 Judge Harrison ! 
 
 H^arrison. Yes, Chub — we meet again ! And your 
 Httle pal, too ! {Sees the Baron; pauses in amazement.) 
 Well — upon my word — Baron ! {He goes over and 
 shakes hands with him heartily.) Well, well, well! 
 Why, Baron, three of your wives were in to see me yes- 
 terday ! You certainly do keep your women-folk guess- 
 ing! 
 
 Baron. Well, Judge, it amuses them. Otherwise, 
 they'd be into all kinds of mischief. 
 
 Harrison. I suppose so. Well, suppose we hold a 
 little reception for them to-morrow morning, and get 
 acquainted again, eh? 
 
 Baron {appealingly). Now, Judge! You're cer- 
 tainly not going to go back on an old friend ! Why, you 
 haven't the heart to hand me over to that bevy of old 
 hens— and right after I've landed these two lowlife crooks 
 for you single-handed! 
 
 {He points at Trask and Stone, who scowl.) 
 
 Harrison. Well ! Baron, I suppose your weakness is 
 an amiable one, after all. I guess I won't make any 
 
82 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 great effort to remember that I've seen you! (To 
 Policeman.) Take off those cuffs. 
 
 Baron. Judge — you're a gentleman! (The Police- 
 man takes off the cuffs; Harrison signs for him to give 
 him the key.) And Judge — he's all right. (Points to 
 Ash, who is standing with his back turned and his head 
 bowed.) I know him. 
 
 Harrison. Yes. ( Grimly. ) So do I ! 
 
 Baron. And the lady — she's all right. 
 
 Harrison. You bet she's all right — (speaking at 
 Ash) or I wouldn't have adopted her! 
 
 (Ash starts, but does not turn.) 
 
 Baron. Oh-ho ! Well, Judge, I always did think you 
 were the most omniscient personality I ever met! 
 
 Harrison (gruffly). Thanks! And now — clear out, 
 all of you ! 
 
 Trask. See here, Judge. 
 
 Harrison. Shut up! Take 'em out. (The Police- 
 man takes Trask and Stone out.) You, too. Baron! 
 Good-bye ! 
 
 Baron (subdued by Harrison's change of manner). 
 Good-bye, your honor ! 
 
 (He goes out. Carr comes forward nervously.) 
 
 Carr. I — I 
 
 Harrison. Well ? 
 
 (Carr becomes utterly inarticidate.) 
 Louise. I know. 
 
 (She goes to Ash, and gets the necklace; hands it to 
 Harrison, then gets the other jewelry, which she 
 keeps in her hand. He examines the necklace.) 
 
 Harrison. Oh — yes! Uh-huh! (Sardonically.) I 
 thought so ! About two hundred dollars' worth of paste. 
 Give it to Mrs. Peckham with my love ! (Carr mumbles, 
 and starts out; Louise follows him, and gives him the 
 other things; he goes out. Harrison waits till he is gone, 
 then turns to Ash, and indulges in a sour grin of 
 triumph.) Well? 
 
EXPENSE NO OBJECT 83 
 
 {Before he can go on, Louise places her hand gently 
 on his arm; he pauses; she silently hands him the 
 marriage contract. He reads it in amazement ; turns 
 to her; she shyly holds out her hand and shows the 
 wedding ring. His face expressing great wonder- 
 ment, he squeezes her hand, hands her the handcuff 
 key, picks up his hat, and goes out very quietly. 
 Louise goes and stands beside Ash. After a 
 moment he speaks, in a subdued, bitter voice. ) 
 
 Ash. So — you're not a thief, after all — just part of 
 my imcle's scheme to show me what a fool I was ! And 
 they weren't real detectives — only a couple of cheap 
 crooks — and squealers, at that! Even the diamonds 
 were — just paste ! You must think I'm a fool — oh, I 
 am a fool. I've been kidding myself that I was in a real 
 adventure — I've been running around after a lot of fake 
 jewelry. And I've been bluffed to a standstill by a 
 girl — by you ! 
 
 Louise. Ah, but you didn't know! How could you 
 have known? And hasn't it been fun — glorious fun! 
 Why, most of it has been real, just as real as can be. 
 Oh — don't you see ? 
 
 Ash. Yes — I suppose so. I got what I wanted — I 
 wanted thrills — and I got them. And I got a lot more, — 
 I got a mighty good lesson ; I learned that I'm a fool, and 
 I won't forget it. I'm cured. 
 
 {He sits on edge of table r.) 
 
 Louise. Ah, don't say that, please ! Just think what 
 a lark it's been — what a gorgeously wild evening! How 
 many people ever have experiences like this? Think of 
 the thousands of men and women, tied down to a dreary, 
 humdrum existence, while their hearts are bursting with 
 romance and yearning for adventure, who would give 
 their souls for the thrills we've experienced to-night. 
 Don't you see? Oh, don't you see? And — it wasn't 
 all — make believe — was it? Edwards was real — and I 
 really did throw the chairs at him. {He turns to her; 
 tries to speak, but cannot.) Was it — was it — all — make 
 believe? The minister was real — and — we really are — 
 
84 EXPENSE NO OBJECT 
 
 married. {She timidly shozvs the contract in her hand; 
 his face lights up in complete understanding ; with a sud- 
 den effort he tries to bring his arms forward to embrace 
 her, but the handcuffs prevent. ) Oh — you poor darling ! 
 
 {She whirls him around, and sinks on her knees be- 
 hind him; fumbles at the cuffs with the key; he 
 watches her over his shoidder; at last she unlocks 
 the cuffs, and as she rises to her feet he turns and 
 clasps her in his arms.) 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
Plays That We Can Recommend 
 
 u^cts Males Females Timt 
 
 FOR FEMALE CHARAC I'ERS ONLY 
 
 The Bewildering Miss Felicia 3 o 14 2}^^ 
 
 A Case for Sheriocli Holmes 2 o 10 i|^h 
 
 Cupid's Partner 3 o 12 2h 
 
 The Farmerette 3 o 7 2h 
 
 A Girl in a Thousand 4 o 14 2)^h 
 
 Her First Assignment (15c.) i o 10 ih 
 
 How the Club was Formed (15c.) . . . i o 18 i^h 
 
 How the Story Grew (15c ) i o 8 45m 
 
 Leave It to Polly 2 o 11 i^h 
 
 Lucia's Lover 3 o 8 i)4h 
 
 Miss Fearless & Co. \ . . . . 3 o 10 2^h 
 
 Modern Sewing Society (15c.) i o 14 45m 
 
 Our Church Fair 2 o 12 i^h 
 
 Packing of the Home Missionary Barrel (15c.) i o 10 30m 
 
 Six Times Nine 2 o 11 i^h 
 
 Suffragettes' Convention i i 12 iXh 
 
 Suffragettes' Town Meeting i o 20 ih 
 
 Virginia Heroine 3 o 11 i^h 
 
 Voice of Authority 3 o 7 2h 
 
 FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY 
 
 The Boy Scouts 3 20 o 2h 
 
 First Day of the Holidays (15c.) 4 6 o i^h 
 
 First National Boot (15c.) 2 7 2 ih 
 
 Half Back's Interference (15c.) i 10 o 40m 
 
 A New Start (15c.) 4 7 .2 i^h 
 
 On the Quiet 2 12 o i;^h 
 
 A Regular Rah! Rah! Boy 3 14 o i^h 
 
 A Regular Scream 2 11 o i^h 
 
 Too Clever by Half (15c.) 3 6 2 i^h 
 
 Tramps' Convention i 17 o ij^h 
 
 The Turn in the Road (15c.) 2 9 o ij4h 
 
 Wanted, a Pitcher (15c.) i 11 o 30m 
 
 ENTERTAINMENTS 
 
 Aunt Jerusha's Quilting Party 1 4 '2 ih 
 
 The District School i 12 17 ih 
 
 Miss Prim's Kindergarten i 10 11 i>^h 
 
 A Pageant of History 6 15 9 2>^h 
 
 Scenes in the Union Depot i 24 18 i>^h 
 
 Taking the Census in Bingville i 14 8 i^h 
 
 The Village Post=Off!ce i 22 20 2h 
 
 Price, 25 ^^///.f ^^^/^ tmless otherwise stated 
 
 BAKER, 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass. 
 
Plays That We Can Recommend 
 
 ylcts 
 
 COMEDY DRAMAS 
 
 Bar Haven 3 
 
 The College Chap 3 
 
 The Country Doctor 4 
 
 Country Folks 3 
 
 The Country Minister 5 
 
 Cranberry Corners 4 
 
 The District Attorney 3 
 
 Down in Maine 4 
 
 Elmwood Folks 3 
 
 A Foul Tip 3 
 
 How Jim Made Good 4 
 
 Mrs. Tyler's Second 3 
 
 Red Acre Farm 3 
 
 Valley Farm 4 
 
 The Village School-Ma'am 3 
 
 Willowdale 3 
 
 COMEDIES 
 
 Daddy 3 
 
 The Day That Lincoln Died i 
 
 The King Pin (15c.) 3 
 
 Lost — a Chaperon 3 
 
 Miss Buzby's Boarders 3 
 
 The Missing Miss Miller 3 
 
 Out of Town 3 
 
 Rebellion of Mrs. Barclay 2 
 
 Sally Lunn 2 
 
 A String of Pearls (15c.) . i 
 
 Team Work 3 
 
 Teddy 3 
 
 FARCES 
 
 Alias Brown 3 
 
 Caught Out (15c.) 3 
 
 The Dutch Detective 3 
 
 Engaged by Wednesday 3 
 
 A Full House (15c.) i 
 
 Gadsby's Qirls 3 
 
 Hiram Jones's Bet (15c.) i 
 
 The Hoodoo 3 
 
 Local and Long Distance (15c.) i 
 
 Our Wives . . 3 
 
 Papa Pettingill (15c.) 4 
 
 Pa's New Housekeeper (15c.) i 
 
 Picking a Winner 3 
 
 The Private Tutor 3 
 
 Males 
 
 Females 
 
 Time 
 
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DANDY DIALOGUES FOR CHRISTMAS 
 
 By Harriette Wilbur, etc. 
 
 Eleven pretty and effective dialogues appropriate to Christmas, well varied 
 in length and character to suit all circumstances. Containing : 
 
 A Christmas Dinner. 6 males, 4 females. 
 
 Holly and Mistletoe. 12 females. 
 
 Father Christmas. Any number of children. 
 
 Santa Claus. Monologue. 
 
 Offerings of the Year. 12 boys or girls or both. 
 
 Christmas Capers. 6 boys, 3 girls. 
 
 Return of Mother Goose. 4 males, 7 females. 
 
 The Fairy Steeplecrown. 2 males, 2 females and children 
 
 Santa Claus at Home, i male, i female ; boys and girls ad libitum. 
 
 Santa Claus the First. 5 males (grown up), 4 boys, 2 girls. 
 
 Bachelor's Christmas, i male, i female (grown up); 3 boys, 3 girls. 
 
 Price, 2^ cents. 
 
 CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENTS 
 
 FOR SCHOOL AND HOME 
 
 Comprising Exercises, Suggestions and Plays. 
 
 By Jay Kaye and Others. 
 
 Price, 2^ cents. 
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 Christmas Entertainments. New and original exercises and sugges- 
 tions. 
 
 The Christmas Box. 4 males, 4 females. 
 
 The Luck of the Golden Pumpkin. 6 males, 6 females. 
 
 The Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe. 3 male, 2 female characters 
 and children. 
 
 Christmas. 4 males, 4 females. 
 
 Charlie's Christmas Dream. 2 males and a child. 
 
 BAKER'S PATRIOTIC DIALOGUES 
 
 FOR ALL GRADES 
 
 By Edward D. Holmes. 
 
 A collection of school dialogues based upon well-known and popular inci- 
 dents of American history. Six dialogues of various lengths, from five to 
 thirty minutes, historically accurate as well as dramatic and patriotic, as 
 follows: 
 
 The Boston Tea-Party. 14 boys. 
 
 The Capture of the British Sentinel at Stony Point. 4 boys. 
 
 The Capture of Major Andre. 4 boys. 
 
 Our Nation's Birthday. 14 boys, i girl and children. 
 
 The Evacuation of Boston. 13 boys, 14 girls. 
 
 General Gage and the Boston Boys. 5 boys, i girl and children. 
 
 Frice, 2^ cents. 
 
PETREL, THE STORM CHILD 
 
 A Drama in Three Acts 
 
 By Charles S. Bird 
 
 Eight males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. 
 
 Plays two hours. Petrel Kingman, the adopted daughter of Jabez, a waii 
 
 from the sea, finds in Bob Braxton, a visiting yachtsman, not only a 
 
 husband but the means of ascertaining her real parentage and the recovery 
 
 of her fortune. A strong, simple story with lots of incidental interest and 
 
 humorous character. Another " Among the Breakers." 
 
 Price, 2^ cents 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Captain Stubbs, a retired skipper. 
 
 Sim Freeman, the constable at "Bay View,** 
 
 Lem Gale, a sad sea dog. 
 
 Jabez Kingman, keeper of the village store. 
 
 Bob Braxton, a yoimg yachtsman. 
 
 Harry James, Bob' s chum. 
 
 Ezra Green, always buttiti in. 
 
 Mr. Brief, a lawyer. 
 
 Petrel Kingman, daughter of Jabez, but known as Pet 
 
 Amanda Libby, a spinster, but not willijigly. 
 
 Bessie Stubbs, the Captain s daughter^ and Pefs friend, 
 
 Mrs. Kingman, wife of Jabez. 
 
 Cecile, a maid. 
 
 Bay View Folks. 
 
 The parts of Lem and Brief may be doubled. 
 
 SAM BO-JAM AND HIS AFRICAN COLONY 
 
 A Negro Farce in Three Scenes 
 By Jay Clay Powers 
 Fourteen males, nine females, all originally played by ladies. Cos- 
 tumes, negro character and eccentric ; scenery, unimportant. Plays an 
 hour with specialties. Sam Bo-Jam turns up at a Negro festivity in Texas 
 with a scheme for colonizing Africa, and takes the whole party with him 
 to the kingdom of Lukattiankilli where the affair resolves itself into a first 
 class female minstrel show with many novel incidents. 
 Price, IS cents 
 
 AT HOTEL-ON-DE-BLINK 
 
 An Entertainment in Two Parts 
 By George P. Seller 
 Seven male, two female characters. Costumes, eccentric; scenery, a 
 plain interior or none at all. Plays an hour and a half with specialties. 
 A laughable sketch introducing a minstrel show. A complete programme 
 is given but may be varied or expanded as much as desired. A decided 
 novelty that can be recommended. 
 
 Price^ ij cents 
 
THE HOODOO 
 
 A Farce in Three Acts 
 By Walter Ben Hare 
 Six males, twelve females and four children. Costumes, modern; 
 scenery, one interior and one exterior, or can be played in a single in- 
 terior. Plays two hours and twenty minutes. For a wedding gift Pro- 
 fessor Spiggot gives BriglUon a marvelous Egyptian scarab. Under its 
 evil influence Brighton is blackmailed by a former flame ; the susceptible 
 Billy finds himself engaged to three ladies ; tlie Professor is accused of 
 bigamy ; and Dun, the clever burglar, is caught. Matters are straight- 
 ened out when the scarab is buried. Hemachus, the Professor's son, and 
 Paradise, the colored cook, afford exceptional character parts. Recom* 
 mended for schools. Pricey 2^ cents 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Brighton Early, about to be married. 
 
 Billy Jackson, the heart breaker. 
 
 Professor Solomon Spiggot, ati authority oji Egypt 
 
 Hemachus Spiggot, his son, aged seventeen. 
 
 Mr. Malachi Meek, a lively old getttlemaji 0/ sixty-nine. 
 
 Mr. Dun, the burglar. 
 
 Miss Amy Lee, about to be married. 
 
 Mrs. Perrington-Shine, her aunt and Mr. Meek" s daughter. 
 
 Gwendolyn Perrington-Shine, who does Just as tnamma says. 
 
 Dodo De Graft, tfie Dazzling Daisy. 
 
 Mrs. Ima Clinger, a fascinating young widow. 
 
 Angelina, her angel child, aged eight. 
 
 Miss Doris Ruffles, Amy's maid of honor. 
 
 Mrs. Semiramis Spiggot, the jnother of seven. 
 
 EUPEPSIA Spiggot, her daughter, aged sixteen. 
 
 Miss Longnecker, a public school-teacher. 
 
 Lulu, by name and nature. 
 
 Aunt Paradise, the colored cook lady. 
 
 Four Little Spiggots. 
 
 SYNOPSIS 
 
 Act L The lawn at Mrs. Perrington-Shine's country home. 
 
 Act IL The Hbrary at 8: 00 p. m. A thief in the hoube. 
 
 Act III. The same library at 1 1 : 00 p. m. Trouble for the burglar. 
 
 the clinging vine 
 
 A Comedy in One Act 
 
 By Rachel Baker Gale 
 
 Sixteen females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays forty 
 
 minutes. Irish and Negro comedy parts. The Barlonville Woman's 
 
 Club brings Mrs. Redding to trial on the chai-ge that she is neglecting the 
 
 club to attend to household matters. As the trial proceeds other members 
 
 confess to the same crime and the meeting breaks up with all agreemg to 
 
 pay a little more attention to their homes. Recommended for women's 
 
 elubs. Author's royalty of $ 5.00 asked for each performance. 
 
 Price, 21; cents 
 
LITTLE ACTS FOR LITTLE ACTORS 
 
 A Collection of Plays, Drills, Tableaux and other 
 
 Entertainments for Children 
 
 By Edyth M. Wofmwood and Elizabeth F, Gup till 
 
 This volume, by a well-known author in this field, offers an unusual 
 
 variety of excellent material for smaller children, covering a wide area of 
 
 demand. It can be strongly recommended. 
 
 Price^ 2^ cents 
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 Father Time's Jubilee. 40 children. Good Night Drill. Several very small 
 Alphabetical Antics. 26 children. girls. 
 
 Pussywillows. 8 small girls. Toadstools. For 4 very small children. 
 
 Bo Peep and Boy Blue, a, 3, or 4 pairs Blue Bells. la small girls. 
 
 of small children. Tray Drill. Any number of girls. 
 
 Miss Muffett and Jack Horner. 2 to Silver and Gold. Any even number of 
 
 4 pairs of small children. girls. 
 
 Little Cooks. Any number of the Bell Drill. 8 children, either sex or both. 
 
 smallest girls. Sunbeams. Any number of little girls. 
 
 At the Seaside. Any number of couples \A^reath Drill. 12 girls. 
 
 of the smallest children. Tableaux. 
 
 PLAYS WITH A PUNCH 
 
 A Collection of One-Act Plays and Sketches, Serious 
 and Serio-Comic 
 A volume of short plays by various authors intended for use in vaude- 
 ville and thus appropriately brief, swift in movement, and vivid in 
 dramatic interest. 
 
 Price, 25 cents 
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 A Crooked Man and His Crooked A Game of Comedy. 2 males, i female. 
 
 Wife. 2 males, i female. A Scratch Race. 3 males, 2 females. 
 
 His Chance. 4 males. The Substance of Ambition. 3 males. 
 
 The Alarm. 2 males. i female. 
 
 A Bride From Home. 2 males, 2 females. Her Picture. 2 males, 2 females. 
 
 Brother Dave, i male, 2 females. Red or White. 2 males, 2 females. 
 Faro Nell. 6 males, i female. 
 
 PLAYS IN PINAFORES 
 
 A Very Miscellaneous Collection of Plays for Young 
 
 People of All Ages 
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 Mousme of the Japanese Toy-Shop. The Family Feud. 2 males, i female. 
 
 4 males, 11 females. Migg's Revenge. 1 male, i female. 
 
 An Easter Miracle. 10 females. The Irish Washerwoman, i male, i 
 
 The Prince of Poppyland. 6 males, lo female. 
 
 females. The Cobbler's Bargain, i male, 1 fe- 
 
 The Dolls' Playhouse. I male, 3 fe- male. 
 
 males. Cold Water. 2 males, 1 female. 
 
 School Opera. 5 males, 5 females. Dialogue for Five Little Girls. 
 
 The Honeymoon. 3 males, 5 females. The Power of Song. 6 males, 5 females. 
 
 Left. I male, i female. Learning Lessons. 2 males, 4 females 
 
 John Anderson, My Jo. l male, i fe- and chorus. 
 
 male. 
 
 Price, 2j cents 
 
ALIAS BROWN 
 
 A Satirical Farce in Three Acts 
 
 By E. J. Whhler 
 
 Eleven males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. 
 
 Plays two hours. Keeler, fearing arrest for participation in a glove con- 
 
 iest in Sacramento, adopts the name of a cigar salesman, Brown, whose 
 
 card he finds in the train, and flees to Reno. Too late he finds Brown to 
 
 be named as the corespondent in a divorce suit brought by Mr. Logan 
 
 against his wife, and that Mr. and Mrs. Logan and Mary Gilbert, the girl 
 
 of his heart, are all on the ground. His troubles are many, but he finds 
 
 a way out of them. Good rapid farce and very funny. 
 
 Price, 2^ cents 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 Mr. James Logan, a young married man. Age about twenty-five. 
 
 Quick tempered. 
 Mr. Mortimer, **Mrs. Mortimer s husband'" not subdued, but 
 
 submerged. Age about forty. 
 John Brown, a cigar salesman. Age about forty. A practical 
 
 business man with no frills. Somewhat bald and a little gray, 
 Vincent Allgood, the hotel clerk ( Nuf ced). 
 Montmorency, a bell hop. 
 Henry Keeler, a young man of about thirty. A gentleman of 
 
 leisure, and a good fellow. 
 Billy Newcomb, a newspaper reporter. Alert and on the job. 
 La Rue, the chief of police. A little heavy mentally, but persistent 
 
 and faithful. 
 Mr. Thomas Richie, a good-hearted, but weak young fellow, of 
 
 about twentyfour. 
 Lee Waters, a theatrical manager. Pompous and much inclined 
 
 to run things. 
 Rastus, a porter. 
 Mary Gilbert, a public stenographer. Age about twenty-five. A 
 
 practical, sensible girl. 
 Mrs. Marie Logan, a young married woman. Age about twenty- 
 two. 
 Mrs. Beatrice Mortimer, an actress. Age about forty-five. 
 Mrs. John Brown, about forty years old. Very mild mannered, a 
 
 little old fashioned. 
 Mrs. Thomas Richie, age about twenty. A flighty little thing, 
 frivolous, but affectionate. 
 
 A FULL HOUSE 
 
 A Farce in One Act 
 
 By Dorothy Waldo 
 
 Three males, three females. Costumes, modern; scene, an interior. 
 
 Plays thirty minutes. Mrs. Jinks, who keeps a boarding house, gets two 
 
 applicants for her second floor front mixed, and manages by accident to 
 
 Straighten out a tangled love aff'air. Full of laughs. Recommended. 
 
 Price, i^ cents 
 
THE SUFFRAGETTES' CONVENTION 
 
 An Entertainment in One Scene 
 
 By Jessie A. Kelley 
 
 One male, twelve females. Costumes, modern and eccentric ; scenery, 
 
 mimportant. Plays an hour and a quarter. Another of Mrs. Kelley's 
 
 X)pular assemblages of the floating humor of the Suffragette question. 
 
 [ust a string of humorous lines and characters and local hits aimed to raise 
 
 I hearty laugh without hurting anybody's feelings. Suited for women's 
 
 :lubs and for general use in private theatricals. 
 
 Price, 2j cetits 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 Mrs. John Yates, presiding officer. 
 Mrs, Silas Curtis, suffragette speaker, 
 Mrs. Eben Altman, suffragette speaker, 
 Mrs. Eldon Keener, ajiti- suffragette. 
 Mrs. Oscar Dayton, anti-siffragette, 
 Mrs. Jonas Harding, anti-suffragette. 
 Miss Rosabelle Hyacinth, engaged. 
 Miss Priscilla Prudence, would like to be engaged* 
 Miss Anna H elder, great oti style. 
 Mrs. Charles Bates, ant i- suffragette, 
 Mrs. Russell Sager, suffragette. 
 Mrs. Francis Wood, suff?'agette. 
 Silas Curtis, who beco?nes an ardent advocate of woman suffrage 
 
 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS 
 
 A High School Comedy in One Act 
 By Gladys Ruth Bridgham 
 Three males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, a single in 
 terior. Plays one hour. Three seminary girls go to the masquerade on 
 the sly, get mixed up there with some students and have a narrow escape 
 from detection. Their later anxieties are complicated by the fact that the) 
 discover that one of the younger members of their own faculty was also 
 there ; but this later suggests a plan by which they escape. Very brighl 
 and breezy and full of fun and action. 
 
 Price, /J cents 
 
 LOOK OUT FOR PAINT 
 
 A Farce Comedy in Three Acts 
 
 By Cornelius Shea 
 
 Five males, four females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior and 
 
 one exterior. Plays an hour and a half. An elderly maiden, making a 
 
 " flash " at a summer boarding-house, runs into a young artist with whom 
 
 she has corresponded through a matrimonial bureau. He is anadmirerof 
 
 the- landlady's daughter and tells her the facts before the lady has seen 
 
 him. She induces Roamer, a tramp house-painter, to exchange identities 
 
 with his fellow artist with side-splitting results. A capital piece, full qI 
 
 humor and very easy. Recommended for schools. 
 
 Price, 25 cents 
 
PICKING A WINNER 
 
 A Farce in Three Acts 
 By MacPherson yanney 
 Nine males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, twa interiors. 
 Plays two hours. Three foreign noblemen in pursuit of the millions of an 
 American heiress disguise themselves as a cook, a chauffeur, and a butler, 
 and enter her employ. The police force of McNabb, 111., embodied in a 
 rustic disciple of Sherlock Holmes, misconceives them and causes a lot of 
 fun for everybody but them. Very funny and original and strongly 
 recommended. Professional rights reserved. Price, 2^ cents 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Sir Francis MacDonald, who wajits Blanche. 
 
 Count Alexandre, who wants Blanche s money. 
 
 The Earl of Norton, also desirous of Blanche's coin. 
 
 The Grand Duke Ruffievitch, equally keen after Blanche $ 
 
 wealth. 
 Col. Arthur Hopkins, the police force of McNabb, lUitwis. 
 Fred 1 
 
 Mervyn \ three gilded youths. 
 Frank ) 
 
 Hawkins, Lady Janef s butler. 
 Blanche Kane, an American heiress. 
 Lady Janet MacDonald, Sir Francis aunt, 
 IsABELLE Foster | 
 
 Olga Foster V three American heiresses. 
 Stella Foster J 
 
 THE FIRST NATIONAL BOOT 
 
 A Farce in Two Acts 
 By M. G. 
 Seven males, two females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, a single in- 
 terior. Plays one hour. Intended to be played by male actors only. 
 Isry Ebbetts's distrust of banks leads him to keep his money in a rubber 
 boot. The fact that he never banks his receipts and his known possession 
 of the " Ebbetts fortune " make him an object of interest to Nine-Fingered 
 Pete and others, including two suffragettes with prohibition ideas. His 
 troubles are many, but he comes out all right. Very funny. Can be 
 recommended. Price, 75 cents 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 "Isry" Ebbetts, owner of Hainden' s Center Store. 
 
 Eddy Rias, his clerk. 
 
 Andrew Strong, a mysterious stranger from Portland. 
 
 Francesca Willets I members of Hamdens 
 
 Edwina Bemis I Reform League. 
 
 Archenbachus Herodotus Snooze, a member of Pinkums De* 
 
 tec live Agejicy. 
 Foggerty Young, town constable. 
 Thomas Rustan, a practical joker. 
 Squire Peckham, chairman of the town council. 
 Farmeh^, 
 
REBELLIOUS JANE 
 
 A Comedy in Three Acts 
 By Rachel Baker Gale 
 Author of " Mr. Bob," « Bachelor Hall," etc. 
 Eight females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an exterior and an in. 
 terior. Plays two and a quarter hours. Royally ^5.00 for amateur per- 
 formance. Jane Delafield's visit to a ranch makes her discontented with 
 the trammels of " society," so she persuades her mother to go " west," 
 where she becomes the champion of Elizabeth Weston, who has left home 
 to avoid a repugnant marriage urged upon her by her brothers as part of 
 a business transaction. This brings her into some extensive and exciting 
 complications and a rather more strenuous life than she had planned. 
 She gets away with it, however, and all ends well. Irish, colored and 
 " old maid " comedy parts. Has been successful for two seasons in manu- 
 script. Strongly recommended. 
 
 Price, 2^ cents 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 Mrs. Delafield, a woman of fashion, rather blasi and bored with 
 
 her social duties. 
 Jane, her daughter, you7ig and attractive who rebels against con- 
 
 ventionalities, and takes her family atid friends to Calif or7iia where 
 
 they live on a ranch. 
 Elise Reynolds, her friend, who also longs for something " worth 
 
 while. 
 Anne Weston, Mrs. Delafield' s social secretary, a young woman 
 
 who has run away from her brothers' ranch to escape marrying a 
 
 notoriously bad inan. 
 Mammy Rose, an old colored servaiit, who has taken care *' ob Miss 
 
 Janey eber since she war born. 
 Samantha Heatherbloom, a stro7ig-minded woman with a bee 
 ^ industry. 
 
 Ellen, her maid. Excellent opportunity for Irish dialect. 
 Manda Sharpwell, a spinster zuho seeks oblivion and repose, 
 
 SYNOPSIS 
 Act I. — Mrs. Delafield's garden. 
 Act II. — Interior of a house on a ranch in Southern California. 
 
 PLAYING THE GAME 
 
 A Comedy in Two Acts 
 By Joseph a M. Murray 
 Seven females. Costumes, modern; scenery, a single easy interior. 
 Plays one and a half hours. Free of royalty. Mrs. Wentworth wants her 
 daughter, Helen, to get a rich husband, and picks out Archie Laurier, an 
 impecunious youth whose mother is looking for an heiress for him. Both 
 mothers play the game for all that it is worth, but Aunt Phoebe Ellis, from 
 the country, gives the whole thing away in the end. Irish comedy part 
 Clean and bright. Well recommended. 
 
 Pricet 2^ cents 
 
MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 
 
 A Farce in Three Acts 
 By Macpherson yanney 
 
 Eight males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an easy in- 
 terior. Plays a full evening. Professional rights reserved. Prentice, out 
 of favor with a rich uncle who supports him because he declines to marry 
 a girl the uncle has picked out, encounters her by accident and has to 
 masquerade as *' Mr. Kelley." The encounter is complicated by the pres- 
 ence of Ted Strong, of the St. Louis '* Nationals " and the Rev. Ernest 
 Frey, both of whom get mixed up with " Kelley " and with one another. 
 It finally appears that his uncle's choice and the girl for whom Prentice 
 has thrown her over are one and the same and all ends well. An ex- 
 ceptionally bright and laughable farce ; characters first class ; situations 
 side splitting, dialogue very funny. A sure hit and can be recommended 
 for schools. 
 
 Price, 2^ cents 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Cl ARENCE Prentice, more or less a gentleman of leisure^ 
 Henry Tetlow, his uncle, an impressario. 
 Rufe King, his brother-in-law. 
 
 The Rev. Ernest Frey, rector of St. Benedict's, Heathfield Parish, 
 Ted Strong, late of the St. Louis ** Nationals.'* 
 Ignatz Demarest Rogers, a syncopated genius. 
 Barton, butler at the Tetlows . 
 Jim, a policeman. 
 
 Madelaine Sanderson, Tetlow s ward, 
 Mary King, his niece. 
 Leslie Hill, late of the "Folies Bergeres,*' 
 Students of Raeton College. 
 
 Scene. — Tetlow' s home, Raeton. 
 Time. — The opening night of college. 
 
 THE VILLAGE POSTMISTRESS 
 
 A Rural Comedy Drama in Three Acts 
 
 By Bertha Currier Porter 
 
 Six males, six females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. 
 Plays two hours. Alice, a nameless girl who lives with the Websters, is 
 loved by the idolized son of the family. The mother, learning of this, 
 turns her out of the house into the storm in his absence. The search that 
 follows her departure discovers her to be the daughter of an early lover 
 of the woman who sent her away. She is finally found and all ends 
 happily. A simple but powerful story told by a cast of strong and well- 
 drawn characters. Plenty of humor ; clean and bright. Strongly recom' 
 mended. 
 
 Price, 15 cents 
 
THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY 
 
 A Comedy Drama in Three Acts 
 By Orrin E. Wilkins 
 Ten males, six females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two easy inte* 
 riors. Plays a full evening. Bob Kendrick, college athlete and popular 
 man, is in love with Dorothy Seabury, but she will not hear him until he 
 has made a start in life. He runs for the office of District Attorney as 
 part of a political trick of the '« boss," Sullivan, but turns the trick and 
 wins the election. His first official act is the prosecution of the Packing 
 Company of which Dorothy's father is the head, which leads to his suicide 
 and Dorothy's alienation. Later, when she knows that his strict pursuit 
 of duty has not spared his own father's name, which was involved in the 
 same scandal, she understands and forgives him. The political thread on 
 which is strung a strong and varied story, introducing lots of comedy and 
 a strong college flavor. Good enough for any purpose ; strongly recom- 
 mended. 
 
 Price, 25 cents 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Mr. Wm. Seabury, Pres. of Seabury Packing Co. 
 
 Mr. Herbert Brownell, reporter of the " Tribune*' 
 
 Richard Seabury, senior at college. 
 
 Bob Kendrick, a fixture at the university. 
 
 Billy Reynolds, /r<?5//w«« at college. 
 
 P. Homer '^miaa'W h.^, politician. 
 
 John J. Crosby, district attorney, running for reelection, 
 
 JiMMiE, office boy. 
 
 Howard Calvert, Beverly s little brother, ' 
 
 Sam, Calvert s butler. 
 
 Aunt Hattie, Win. Seabury s sister. 
 
 Dorothy Seabury, Win. Seabury s daughter, 
 
 Beverly Calvert, | 
 
 Peggy Marshall, \ Dorothy s chums. 
 
 Polly Whitney, ] 
 
 Margaret, servant. 
 
 SYNOPSIS 
 Act I. Drawing-room of the Seabury residence. 
 Act II. The district attorney's office, a few months later. 
 Act III. Same as Act I, one year later. 
 
 A SUFFRAGETTE TOWN MEETING 
 
 An Entertainment in One Act 
 By Lilian Clisby Bridgham 
 Twenty female characters. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an ordinary 
 room or hall — unimportant. Plays one hour. Presents a town meeting as 
 it will be conducted by and by when the ladies have taken full charge of 
 the public business. A shrewd and good-natured satire of present feminine 
 peculiarities applied to this problem written for laughing purposes only. 
 Just the thing for women's clubs. 
 
 Price, ^j cents 
 
B. CU. Pinero's Plays 
 
 Price» SO eetit$ EacD 
 
 THF A M A 7nW^ Fsltcq in Three Acts. Seven males, five f e- 
 iiAij n.iiLrL£j\jL^Kt males. Costumes, modern; scenery, not 
 difficult. Plays a full evening. 
 
 THE CABINET MINISTER ^S. t^I°Y.JSlt. ^S 
 
 tumes, modern society; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 n ANHY TUfrK" ^ai"c© i» Three Acts. Seven males, four fe- 
 M^txiJU i. 1/1 vi%. males. Costumes, ihodern ; scenery, two inte- 
 riors. Plays two hours and a half. 
 
 THF nAY ! ORH Of TFY Comedy in Four Acts. Four males, 
 IHE. UAI LUHUI^UJIA ten females. Costumes, modern; 
 Bcenery, two Interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. 
 
 HIS HOTKF IN ORDFR comedy in Four Acts. NInemalee, 
 niO nUUOEi 111 UALFEiIV four females. Costumes, modern; 
 scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 THF HORRY HORSF comedy in Three Acts. Ten males, 
 inC nUDDI nUI\k>i:i Ave females. Costumes, modern; 
 scenery easy. Plays two hours and a half. 
 
 ipfC Drama in Five Acts. Seven males, seven females. Costumes, 
 XlVliJ modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 I A HY RniTNTIFITI ^l^y ^^ Four Acts. Eight males, seven 
 IjAI^I U\/Villiruij females. Costumes, modern; scen- 
 ery, four interiors, not easy. Plays a full evening. 
 
 I FTTY I^rama In Four Acta and an Epilogue. Ten males, five 
 ^'ta^ 1 1 females. Costimies, modern; scenery complicated. 
 Plays a full evening. 
 
 TUF MAr'IQTD ATI? Farce in Three Acts. Twelve males, 
 lffli:i iUi\UiiJlIVi\lEi four females. Costumes, modern; 
 BOOnery, all interior. Plays two hours and a half. 
 
 Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 
 
 Walttv ^. pafeer Sc Companp 
 
 No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 015 940 042 6 # 
 
 Cf)e WiUimn barren Ctittion 
 of ^laps 
 
 A^ YAH I HTF IT Comedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four 
 AD IvU M<^i< ■t females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, va- 
 ried. Plays a full evening. 
 
 rAIHITIP Drama in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. Oos- 
 vARllLfifC tumes, modern ; scenery, varied. Plays a full evening. 
 
 INfiAMAD ^^y ^° ^^'^^ Aots. Thirteen males, three females. 
 inUvIUitA Scenery varied ; costumes, Greek. Plays a full evening. 
 
 MADV ^TIIADT Tragedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four fe- 
 jnAI\l tSlUAal males, and supernumeraries. Costumes, of the 
 period ; scenery, varied and elaborate. Plays a full evening. 
 
 TIE MERCHANT OP VENICE £rs??^?.!i;^t;J:: ^tT^. 
 
 picturesque ; scenery varied. Plays a full evening. 
 
 DimPI IPII Pl*y ^^ ^^ ■'^ots. Fifteen males, two females. 8o«n- 
 mVllLtMlwv ery elaborate ; costumes of the period. Plays a full 
 evening. 
 
 THP DIVAI^ Comedy in Fire Acts. Nine males, five females. 
 IIU4 BlTAL^ Scenery varied; costumes of the period. Plays a 
 full evening. 
 
 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER ^S^ll^r tV^i^X,^^ 
 
 ried ; costumes of the period. Plays a full evening. 
 
 TWELFTH NlfiHT; OR, WHAT TOO WILL 'j^l^lHiL: 
 
 three females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, varied. Plays a 
 full evening. 
 
 Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 
 
 Walttt 1^. 'Bafier & Company 
 
 Wo. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 
 
 a. J. PARKMILl. A CO., PRINTBAS. BCWTOM, U.S.A.