.A' ;s^ ■'^. ^% ' ^0 ■ %/".• 'X A .x^ A '-*.. c^^ "•cP \^^' •-c>. .^^^' •^^. ''^ <^' ^^- '^^.' ■H ^^^ %. \^^^^ ^N>S- « *% * ■) N o ^ .O- » V 1 8 . ^"^ c« <^^~b^ %^.-^ .>^ '^r, ,^^' ^x^^^- ^-> ~- t» =\X' x^ ■.0" /% ■■'"■' v>\o .*'^' -^..^^^ c^ %^^- ^>^^' ^/^, .-^^ '?^,. v^^ ^^^^^ *,^ 'V -:.^^' "/■ c '/' * 8 1 \ " V -^',"« - -^s c;^ .>^^.^ ^; ^,. ^, .#' ^-^.- ^ . o. ..0' s .%^' <^ Just Pabllslted, A new Book, uniform with this Yolume, and Illustrated, entitled Sense, BY ••BRICK'* i»om:eroy. *^* These hooks are sold everywhere, and will he sent hy mail, POSTAGE FREE, 071 receipt of price, $1.50, BT G, W, Carleton & Co., PuWlsliers, New York. f^'i NONSENSE, OB Hits and Criticisms on the Follies of the Day, "BKICK" POMEEOY, {Editor qf the La, Cro%%e^ Fta., Democrat.) WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY J. H. HOWARD. /- NEW YOKE: G. W, Carleton & Co,, Publishers, LONDON: S. LOW, SON & CO. MDOCCLXVIII. ts a U'\ 7?^t> t^t Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 186S, by G. W. CAELETON & CO., In the Clerk'8 Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern District of New York. The New York Printing Company, 8i, 83, and 85 Cettire Street, New York. HD^bicaUon. Reader I This Volume is dedicated to you. IF IT RAISES A SMILE, DRIVES CARE FROM YOUR HEART EVEN FOR AN HOUR, AND MAKES YOU BETTER NATURED, / am content IF YOU CAN WRITE A WORSE BOOK, DON'T DO III IF YOU CAN WRITE A BETTER ONE, DO IT QUICKLY FOR TUB EDinOATION OF "Brick" Pomeroy, CONTENTS OHAPTEB PAGE I.— Oar First Exercise in Skating 11 n. — ^Science of Kissing 17 IIL — Mosquitoes on a Bender 21 IV.— My Milkmaid Miranda 29 V. — My Experience at a New England Sewing-Circle ! 33 VI. — Biluria Bulkins and our Courtship 4S VII.— Pickerel-Fishing iu Connecticut 56 VIII.— B-o-8-t-o-n-! 63 IX.— How I lost Aurelia Tl X.— The Dog-Gondest Dog 84 XI.— Peter Oleum struck by " Brick." 94 XII.— Teutonic Anguish 104 XIII.— " Brick " and the Deacon's Hexa 109 XIV.— Cure ^or a Cold 122 XV. — " Brick" Pomeroy sends the President his Ann- Alice 123 XVI.— "Brick" and Kalista 138 XVII.—" Brick " Pomeroy's Evening with Arion 14T XVIII. — " Brick " Pomeroy's Experience at Niagara Falls 155 XIX.—" Brick " Pomeroy Skateth at th e Central Park 1 68 XX.— Boston Betsey's " Brick," or " Brick's " Betsey 176 XXL— How to Buy Oil Lands 187 XXII.— A Chicken Suit 205 XXIII.— As a Pic-Nic-ist 209 XXIV.— " Brick " and the School-Marms ! 219 XXV.— "Wisconsin School-Marm Convention 232 XXVI.— The Fun of Sleighing 245 XXVII.— Slobbering Parties— for the Heathen ! 2^ XXVIII.— Wonderful Hair Keproducer 262 XXIX.— The Dickens 266 AUTHOR'S PREFACE. In the first place I did not write this Book. It was printed. And the reason I wrote it was simply this : In 1817 my father owned a large peach-orchard in New Jersey. At the same time he owned a yoke of oxen, and a large covered wagon. The wagon was covered by a shed. A simple shed of excellent habit, inasmuch as it covered the wagon. At this time my uncle lived in Canada, adjoining the town nearest the one he resided in. He owned a span of horses and a garden. It was a covered garden, covered by weeds. There was not then, and it is safe to presume there is not now any other resemblance between the wagon of ray father and the garden of my uncle, than the fact that each was covered. Why this was so I never knew, as the nurse left the day beforehand, so I determined to adopt the wisest course, thinking it would be the best. The result was all I wished, and more. In 1821, the physician moved away, and left the place. My father determined to bind me out as an apprentice to a fine old gentleman whose daughter was in love with a young man who lived with his father down the river which in the spring-time was so swollen by the rains that it was important not to cross it except in a skiff tied to a buttonwood tree by a chain which cost five dollars at the hardware store on the corner of the street in the village where each Sabbath morning the minister told his many congregation which would have been larger had it not been for the habit so many people had of staying away from all places of good instruction without which not a single per- son in the village would have been safe for a moment from the members of a band of desperadoes whose retreat was in the bowels of a huge mountain, on whose healthy sides 1* 10 Autlior'^s Preface. the birds sang all the day long as if to remind the weary passer-by that in all well-regulated families there exists a cause for the elTect be it great like the late war which was a fearful struggle on both sidqs for the original position held by the covered wagon of my father. Who can wonder at the infatuation of the youth when he saw his own true love in the power of the Indian whoso scalping-knife hung suspended from a tree over the grave where a small picket fence had been erected by a boy who saw the fire burst forth devouring in an hour the fruit of a lifetime of toil which unrewarded leaves no recompense to strengthen the soul of man as he wars with evils that beset the path which led to the trysting-tree which had by this time been cut down to make room for a large hotel where the sound of revelry by night was heard booming over the still waters of the lake as the moon shone down upon the sailor-boy stood on a burning deck! At this moment the breeching gave way and the horse plunged over the precipice, which at tliis point ran nearly a thousand cubic feet into the cave where the serpent had taken refuge from the coming storm wliich threatened to burst forth and destroy the entire plan of the temple on which if the workmen had been employed to save the child ere it struck, the bottom of the well down which the bucket descended bringing up the purest ice-water rival- ling the alabaster neck of the wounded sufferer whoso death happened to plunge the entire city in mourning. The reader will see at a glance that from this moment, none of us were to blame as the events mentioned will prove. P.S. — If this preface does not suit, the resignation of the reader will be accepted whenever he visits the sanctum of the author where the following pages were written merely for that " Little nonsense now and then, Is relished by the wisest men." Humorously thine, "Brick" Pomeroy. Sanctum : im Ci'08>ie, Wis., 1S67. Nonsense. CHAPTER I. Our First Exercise in Skating. JGHT beneath one of our windows, from morn till midnight, we see youngsters and oldsters twisting their legs into all conceivable shapes, skating up and down the river merry as lambs. We cannot pick up a paper but an article on "skating" meets the eye. Everybody says it's fun, and that's all everybody knows about it, for we've tried it Last night, about gas-light time, after reading 12 Our First Mcerclse in Shitlng. a glowing description of life on skates, we pre- pared for our first attempt, and sallied forth to join the merry crowd. AVe had on a pair of stoga boots, trousers-legs tucked inside, a Robert-tailed coat, and white hat. "We went down on the ice, and gave a boy two shillings in good coin of the realm for the use of his im- plements. We have confidence, even as great as Peter's faith. We, with the assistance of a friend, fixed on the skates and stood erect like a barber's pole. Encouraged by the sight of some ladies on the bridge, who were just then looking at the skatei*s, we struck out. A slant to the right with the right foot, a slant to the left Avith the left foot, and just then wx saw something on the ice and stooped over to pick it up! On our feet again — two slants to the right and one to the left, accompanied with a loss of confidence. Another stride with the right foot, and we sat down with fearful rapidity, and very little if any elegance ! What a set-down it was^, for we made a dent '• Mary said, ' Guess 'taint a handkerchief, Jane,' and Mary was right. It wan't a handkerchief, not a bit of it." —Page 13. Out First Exercise in Skating. 13 in the ice not unlike a Connecticut butter- bowl. Just then one of the ladies remarked, " Oh, look, Mary, that feller with the wdiite hat ain't got his skates on the right place ! " Ditto, thought we. Just then a ragged little devil sang out, as he glided past us : " Hallo, old timber legs ! " and we arose suddenly and put after him, and away went our legs — one to the east and the other to the west — causing an immense fissure in our pants and another picture of a butter-tray in the cold — oh, how cold! — ice! Then the lady again spoke, and said, " Oh, look, Mary, that chap with the wliite hat has sat down on his handkerchief to keep from taking cold ! " "We rose about as gracefully as a saw-horse, when Mary said, " Guess 'taint a handkerchief, Jane," and Mary was right. It wan't a handkerchief- Hot a bit of it. Just then a friend came along and proffered us his coat-tail as a "steadier." We accepted the continuation of his garment, 14 Our First Exercise in Skating. and up the river we went, abont ten rods, when a shy to the right by the leader, caused lis, the wheel-horse, to scoot off on a tangent, heels up ! But the ice is very cold this season! We tried it again. A glide one way, a glide and a half the other, when whack came our bump of philoprogenitiveness on the ice, and we saw millions of stars dancing around us, like ballet girls at the Bowery Theatre. How that shock went through our system, and up and down our spinal column! Lightning couldn't have cork- screwed it down a greased sapling with greater speed or more exhilarating effect. Boarding- house butter nor warranty deed could have struck any stronger than we did — and a dozen ladies looking at us and om* fissured pants ! " Hallo, old cock ! " sang out that ragged imp again, and we there helpless. Soon we got up and made another trial with better success. Per- haps we liad skated, in our peculiar style, fifteen feet, when a blundering chap came up behind, Our First Exercise in Bleating. 15 and we sat down, with our tired head pillowed in his lap, and he swearing at us, when it was all his fault ! How cold the ice was there, too ! Every spot where we made our clehut on the ice, oh, how cold it was ! Our nice bear-skin was no protection at all. We tried again, for the papers all say it's fun, and down came our Eoman- Grecian nose on the cold julep material, and the little drops of crimson ran down our shirt-bosom, and on to the cold ice ! Once more we tried skating — made for the shore — sat down and counted damages. Two shillings in cash thrown away ; seven lateral and one " frontemal " bumps on the ice ; one im,mense fissure in as handsome a pair of ten-dollar cassi- meres as a man ever put his legs in ; one rupture in the knee, extending to the bone ; four buttons from our vest ; a fragmented watch-crystal, and a back-ache big enough to divide among the chil- dren of Israel ! If you catch us on the smooth, glassy, chilling, freezing, treacherous, deceitful. 16 Our First Exercise in Skating, slippery, and slip-uppeiy ice again, you'll know it ! If any one ever hears of our skating again, tliey will please draw on us at sight for the bi- valves and accompanying documents. We have got through. It's a humbug ! It's a vexation of spirit, of business, of flesh, and tearer of trousers ! It's a head-bumping, back-aching, leg-wearying institution, and we warn people against skating. We tried it, and shan't be able to walk for a month. Skating clubs are humbugs, and the only reason why the rascally youngsters wish to get the ladies at it, is that they may see — if they, too, don't say " the ice is dreadfully cold ! " It's nothing to us, it's nothing to us ; but the ladies will do as well to let skates alone, unless they are younger and more elastic than are we ! Oh, how cold the ice is — w^e can feel it yet ! CHAPTER II. Science of Kissing. lEOPLE will kiss, yet not one in a hundred knows how to extract bliss from lovely lips, no more than they know how to make diamonds from charcoal. And yet it is easy — at least for us ! This little item is not alone for young beginners, but for the many who go at kissing like hunting coons or shelling corn. First, know who you are to kiss. Don't make a mistake, although a miss take may be good. Don't jump up like a trout for a fly, and smack a woman on the neck, the ear, one corner of her forehead, the end of the nose, or slop over on her 18 /Sciaicc of Jvissing. watcrfjill or bonnet-ribbon, in your haste to get throngli. TvHien God made tlio world lie went slow, and at last pronounced it "very good." Ditto kissing. And morning and night were the first day! It is simple, yet excellent. The gent should be a little the tallest. lie should have a clean face, a kind eye, a mouth full of ex- pression, instead of tobacco. Don't kiss all over, as grasshoppei-s walk. Don't kiss everybody, including nasty little dogs, male or female. Don't sit down to it. Stand up. You need not be anxious to get in a crowd. Two persons ai-e plenty to comer and catch a kiss ! More pei*sons spoil the sport ! Stand firm. It won't hurt after you are used to it ! Tixke the left hand of tlie lady in your right hand. Let your hat go to — any place out of the way! Throw the left hand gently over the shoulder of the lady, and let the hand fall down upon her right side, toward the belt. Don't be Science of Kissing. 19 in a huiTy ! Draw her gently, lovingly, to your heart. Her head will fall lightly upon your shoulder — and a handsome shoulder-strap it makes ! Don't be in a hurry ! Send a little life down your left arm, and let it know its business. Her left hand is in your right. Let there be expression to your grasp — not like the grip of a vice, but a gentle clasp, full of electri- city, thought, and respect. Don't be in a hurry ! Her head lies carelessly on your shoulder ! You are nearly heart to heart ! Look down into her half-closed eyes ! Gently yet manfully press her to your bosom ! Stand firm, and Providence will give you strength for the ordeal ! Be brave, but don't be in a hurry ! Her lips almost open! Lean lightly forward with your head — not the body. Take good aim — the lips meet — the eyes close — the heart opens — the soul rides the storms, troubles, and sorrows of life (don't be in a hurry) — heaven opens before you — the world shoots from under your feet as 20 iScience of Kmlng. a meteor flashes athwart the evening sky (don't bo afraid) — the nerves dance before the just- erected altar of love as zephyrs dance with the dew-trininied flowers — the heart forgets its bit- terness, and the art of kissing is learned ! No noise — no fuss — no fluttering and squirming, like hook-impaled worm. Kissing don't hurt — does not require a brass band to make it legal. Don't jab down on a beautiful mouth as if spearing for frogs ! Don't grab and yank the lady, as if she was a strug- gling colt ! Don't muss her hair — scrunch down her collar — bite her cheeks — squizzle her rich ribbons, and leave her mussed, rumpled, and mum-muxedl Don't flavor your kisses -svith onions, tobacco, gin cocktails, lager-beer, brandy, etc., for a maudlin kiss is worse than to a delicate, loving, sensitive Avoman. Try the above recipe, and, if you do not succeed, for further particulai*s call on, or write to " Brick " Pomekot CIIAPTEE III. Mosquitoes on a Bender. IGHT before last, in order to sleep, wo placed a piece of raw beefsteak on a plate at the head of our bed. In the morning it was by the mosquitoes sucked as dry of blood as an old sponge, and our skin saved at least two thousand perforations. All about the room, in the morning, were mosquitoes, plethoric with blood, loaded tili they could not fly. We killed a few, but tlic job was too sanguinary, so we left them to tifeeir feaTit. ' Last night, in brder to get even "svith the sere- nading devils, -v^e steeped half a pound of fresh 22 Mosquitoes on a Bender. beefsteak in some old rye whiskey, and left it on a plate by the bed. Nothing like being hospita- bly inclined. In ten minutes after the light was extinguished, a swarm of these backbiting bill- posters made an advance movement. One of them caressed us sweetly on the nose — he sent in his bill — there was a slap — a diluted damn — a dead mosquito ! Soon we heard a tremendous buzzing about the whiskey-soaked beef. The en- tire mosquito family came singing in, and such an opera — ^good Lord deliver us ! But they did not disturb us with bites. We fell asleep, to be awakened in ten minutes by the worst mosquito- concert ever editor, mortal, devil, angel, divine, Dutchman, or any other man listened to. We raised a light, and the greatest show of the season was there to be seen. Every mosquito was drunk as a blind fiddler, and such an uproar- ious night as the long-billed whelps had, never was seen before this side of — selah ! The worst antics ! Some were playing circus on the plate. Mosquitoes oii a Bender. 23 One big fellow, with a belly like Falstaff, full of blood and whiskey, was dancing juba on the Bible, while a fat friend of his lay on her back beating the devil's dream on an invisible tambou- rine, with one hind leg ! Two more were wrest- ling on the foot-board of the bedstead, each with his bill stuck fast in the timber. Another was tying the legs of our pants into a bow-knot to fasten about the neck of Anna Dickinson — ^whose picture hangs against the washstand — while another red-stomached customer was trying to stand on his head in the wash-bowl. All over the room were drunken mosquitoes ! One long-billed, gaunt representative, was trying to ram the mucilage bottle full of newspaper clippings. Another chap was drilling a hole through a revolver handle, and singing " My Mary Ann;" while still another was limping across the window-sill in search of fi'esh air, to the agonizing tune of " Tramp, tramp, tramp ! " One little rat of a skeet Avas trying to jam the 24 Mosquitoes on a Bender. cock out of Ben. Butler's eye with a tooth-brush, as his picture hung in the room beside that of Kidd, the pirate. A drunken statesman of the mosquito family was talking Russian to a lot of drunken companions, as they lay in a heap on the plate, while another one sat in the handle of our bowio-knito, d()ubled up with criunp in the stomacli, and trying to untie his tail with his bill, which seemed like Lincoln's backbone when Anna Dickinson said it wanted stiflening. He was a sick-looking skeoter, and died in tliree minutes after we saw him, her, or it, as tlie case may be. Two othci*s took a bath in the ink- stand. One, with a bill like the deviPs narrative, was trying to wind our watch with a pen-wiper, while another died ns he was sitting on the nm of a dish in the room, trying to chaunt ^'Mother, I've come home to die ! " Poor skeeter. A nice skeeter, but ^' 'twas a pity he drank.'' An old veteran, with a paunch full of 'alf and 'alt^ — blood and whiskcv — sat on the tabic, rcadincr Les Mosquitoes on a Bender*. 25 Miserables, while liis wife was under the stove trying to mend her Ijroken wing with a limpsey toothpick. She looked disgusted ! Another one combed his hair with a paper of pins, tied a piece of white paper about his neck, pasted a five-cent infernal revenue stamp on his rump — or words to that effect — and died like a " loyal " citizen. Ilia last words were — " Tell the traitors all around you," etc., etc. Another drunken scamp started out of the window for Jolm B. Gough, or a stomach- pump. A worse behaved set of bummers we never saw. They acted fearfully. About two thousand lay around dead, but sadness seemed not to break in upon their hilarious rioting upon blood and whiskey. Ilalf-a-dozen of them sat on our new hat playing draw-poker, using worm lozenges for checks, while one of the party got clean busted by making a fifty- dollar blind good on a four-flush, which didn't 2 26 Mosquitoes on a Bender. fill ! He will be apt to wear cotton socks next winter, and keep away from cliiu*cli collection days. Another one sat on top of a brandy bot- tle, reading " Baxter's Call to the Unconverted," while his partner lay dead at his feet, evidently forced to close doors by the failnre of Ketchum & Son, of New York ! Six others were trying to hang one that looked like a Copperhead, to the corner of a match-safe; but as they were drunk and he sober, it was not safe to bet on his being dangled. They ate the beef, drank the blood and whiskey, di-illed the plate full of holes, and on the centre-table organized a Son of Malta lodge, using a five-cent shin-plaster for blanket in the act entitled " The Elevation of Man." Another red-bellied leader of the Miss Keeter family had a battalion of drunken bummers on the edge of a spittoon watching him jam a fur overcoat into his left car. He acted foolish — foolish enough for a brigadier-general or member Mosquitoes on a Bender, ^ of congress. A little cuss with black legs, crim- Bon stomacli, and double-jointed bill, was vomiting in a satin slipper, while his wife, a sickly-looking lady of her tribe, was gnawing at the bed-post, thinking it a bologna. Another one, evidently an old maid, sat under the sofa milking the cat, while her sister was crowding a pair of woollen drawers into her waterfall, singing in a subdued strain — " Come rest in this bosom I " We have applied for a season ticket — front seat. Another one, with a certificate of marriage over his head in the shape of a welt the size of a candle-mould, was dancing a fandango with two mosquito virgins on a watch-crystal, while a deacon in one of their churches sat playing old sledge with a corkscrew, to see which should go ^j^** for a gin cocktail. An artistic delegate was standing on his head in a champagne tumbler, 28 Monijidtoes on a Bender. Olio liind loi^ run tlirongh his under jaw, wliilc with the otluu* ho was pointing out the road to Kiclnnond to n lot of skeots still drnnker than himself, wlio wore Bitting dog-fjishion on the pillow. Wo should Bay it Avas a gay party — quitcly so ! Talk about shows, concerts, dog-fights, amputa- tions, circuses, negro funerals, draw-poker, spark- ing, or other amusements, there is nothing to bo compared to a flock of mosquitoes on a bender. If you don't believe it, fix them up with a piece of beefsteak soaked in whiskey, and laugh your sides sore at the antics the drunken warblers cut. ^KIP f t.is^3R^^];r:4SS>fe . 1? CriArTER J V. My Milkmaid Mieanda. 5 X LOYFA) a milkmaid, Miranda l)y cog- ^r^ Domcn, and blie was the quickest milkist ^•'^ that ever squatted garter-holders under tho dripping caves of a patient bovine on a day of rain, and bIcIi. She was handBome. Jler mother was a handsome cuss, and her father was a l^lessing in disguise, with mien like an angel - ai^d hair colored like a New Jersey bam. Miranda lived in New England. Her paternal pap engineered a country store, kej)t blooded gcGse, sold potatoes by the pound, kept cheese 80 My Milkmaid Miranda. rinds for rat-trap bait, blackened pins and sold them for fisli-liooke, furnished steam for a Puri- tan praycr-mcetinc:, cultivated a duck pond, and taught his noso to blush on applo brandy. He'd take the screws out of his mother's coffin and sell them for money to put on the clim-ch contribu- tion-plate, and he never missed attending com- munion in order to get a free lunch at the ex- pense of — never mind who ! But Miranda wan't lilvo him. She milked the cows and strained the milk. I used to help her. We were both boys — that is, I was a boy, then. I was green, but pure. Ditto Miran. She was tall. She was long for this world. She was fat as a toothpick. She had a neck like a bottle of "Worcester sauce. She wa^^. slim as tlie salary of a country minister, or the wardrobe of a country editor washing-day. And didn't I sling love into her lap ? You bet ! And didn't she sling milk into her little twelve-quart tin pail, while I used to stand and hold tlie drooping backbone con- My Milkmaid Miranda. 31 tinuation of tliat bovine cow, lost it soil the tinted cheek of my milkmaid, Miranda ? "We loved. IIow could we Leljj it? Her mother was opposed to the match. She thought Miranda wan't good enough for me. I had the poverty. It struck in before I struck out. Be- ing poor, I was good ; hence the objection. So * we courted syruptastingly, and met in the barn- yard the usual way — through the back gate. Every night I veni'd and vidi'd. Her mother ■Qsed to catch us at it. She enticed Miranda into bedrooms, cellars, pantries, and closets, and there confined her before her time came for going out to milk. Eut we often circumvented the aged matron. We changed clothes with the hired man, and went in on our nerve. Miranda loved. " Erick " loved. But we had hard times of it. Affection /^ gurgles as it runs. Our affection ran not smoothly. The darned tiling won't run smootli. / Selah ! 82 My Milkmaid Miranda, We used to wander after beech-nuts, and the old lady was there. We sallied forth to gather shells of ocean — as we called hen's eggs — ^in the hay-mow, and behold ! the old lady was there. We went forth hand in hand, like the ghost of John Brown and that other man, in search of a love-lit bower, and behold! there appeared the aged who first knew Miranda, and bade us return. She was an agile mother. We sat under the window to compare our tales of love, and Mi- randa's mother inflicted shower-baths upon us the while. We attended funerals in order to have fun, but behold she was there, and oiu- fun came not to pass. At times I rode the family horse by the window at stated periods when Mi- randa was to be there, and the voice of my milk- maid's maternal was always saying, "Let's see how fast you dare ride ! " She locked up the barn-door to keep us from entering therein. She locked up the parlor to keep us from courting there. She stuck sticks over the kitchen door- My Milkmaid Miranda, 33 latch to keep us out of that apartment. She locked Miranda up in a cellar to keep us from descending into that damp place. I said in my puny wrath, " Dog-gone that ancient female ! " I had but one hand to love Miranda with — the other was needed to battle the second volume of Miranda's authorship with. My love sank. It lowered. It prostrated. I went to Canada. I remained in the embrace of the Queen, as 'twere After a time the old lady, at the close of a de- lightful trip of nine weeks' duration, arrived at the grave-yard, thanks to a doctor, whose doc- torin I ever recommended in such cases. The lit- tle posy-rosy, the hollyhock, and the asparagus bloomed over the maternal derivative of my milk- maid, and made me happy. I shouted in unison with merry roosters and the vernal chickens, and sought her I loved. Twelve years had gone and done it. But Miranda stuck it out. ITo one could look upon the face of her ma, and survive. I was the exception. Miranda's father had 2* 34 My Milkmaid Miranda. passed in his checks. He grew tired of life, and after a fit of family happiness took the poison the rats refused, and went joyfully from the anns of Miranda's maternal mother to death, and its re- sults, as 'twere. Miranda had the tilings she inherited, such as geese, the little store, the cheese rinds, the war- bling ducks, and all sich of the estate, and threw open the shutters of her heart. I popped in. The fVont room thereof was vacant. I slung in my traps, crawled in at the window, took pos- session, sang a song of joy, kissed my milkmaid on her dinner-catcher, sold rtiy disappointment for a yellow necktie, and became an altered man, full of joy where sorrow had so lately nestled. We courted. We wedlocked. We sold the old homestead. We went to B — ^Mhn (with the "thn" up your nose), and went in for style ! There was a party. Miranda fixed up for it. Miranda was flush from the proceeds of the My Milkmaid Mircmda. 35 homestead. She bought a cow's worth of frizzled hair, a sheep's worth of lace for her garters, a hog's worth of night blushing seriousness, and the earnings of tlie geese, bees, chickens and ducks her father had for years, and went to the ball. But she was gay ! Hardly knew her. She looked large. Such a bust ! Such colors ! Such teeth ! Such hair ! Such complexion ! Such palpitators ! Such poached front hair, and such scrambled back hair ! She was raised in "Weathersfield, New England, and was weaned on onions. I knew her by her gentle breath. But for this I would have lost her. We wore out the party. All fashionable people stay to extinguish the lamps. Style. We went home. There was a cry of fire. Our house was in flames. Miranda had gone to her retirary while I was wi'iting a description of the party. I heard the alarm. I rushed into our bedroom. I found something slim and docile in the bed ! I thought it was the bolster got the wrong way. 36 My M'dhnaid Miranda. 1 wanted to act in tireman style, so throw a mirror out of the window to let the crowd down-stairs know all was safe above ; then ran down with bolster in my arms. This long slim bolster was Miranda, my milkmaid ! She had decreased. Attccted by fear. I sat her down under the par- lor T\andow, in a rose-bush, that the crowd might not see "the charms her downcast modesty," etc., failed to conceal. Then I ran back to get her things, spread in five chairs at the foot of the bed and lying in circles on the floor. I got them. Nine armsful when I had them all. The house was in ruins, and Miranda was burned to death. I felt bad ! Who could help it ? Pai'don my weakness, but I wept. Yet I was consoled. Though gone, she was with me still. I had all that made her love ly. I had her curls, her frizzle, her rats, her waterfall I I had her spiral palpitatoi*s, her bird's-nest, her veals ! I had a set of teeth, a steel compress for the ankles! I have set all My Milkmaid Miranda. 37 things in their order. I Lave them hung on wires. I shall pour a little melted girl (easy to be had this hot weather) into the fixings, and have an udder Miranda. How lucky to save 80 much of her! Ever of theely, "Bbick" Pomeeoy. , CHAPTER V. My^ ExrKRiKNCK AT A Nkw England Sewing- ClRCLK I "Tho Christian ladioa of this congrogation nro invited to moot, Thursday evening, at the rcsidonco of Mrs. Sniv- eller, to form a Sewing-Society. A full attondanec i.s requested." flJCJlI, luv dear hearers, reads a notice I liiid oil my sacred desk this morning, and I read it in hopes you will profit thereby. AVe will now sing Tsahn cxxxi., first two stanzas : A New EngUmd Sewmg-Circle. 39 My heart not hauj^liiy ih, Lord, Mine eyes not loftly bo; Nor do I doal in rnattorH frroat, Or things too high for niol I surely havo rny.self bohav'd With spirit great and mild> As child of mother weaned ; my soul Is like a weaned child. All sing I Says I, " Bully." Not in a bully Bpirit, but with a Bort of Puritanical meaning, and con- cluded to go. MrB. Sniveller — Mrs. Deacon Sniveller — lived in a large white house, in a 8tone-i>atch under tlie hill, down by Lcr huB- band'fl button shop. Mrs. Sniveller was a leading horse, so-called, in the team of benevo- lence at Buttonville. Slic had a little peaked red nose, about right to open clams with ; a nervous jerk to her head, spiral enticers, and a waterfall the size of a plum-pudding, but filled with more ingredients. Deacon Sniveller passed 40 A New England Sewing- Circle, the plate Sabbaths, and took the funds home to count. Mrs. Sniveller always gave with great liberality on the next Sunday I I wanted to go. I borrowed hoops, skirts, waterfiills, and etceteras. I puffed my front- hair, slung my waterfall on my bump of obsti- nacy, hoisted an onion into the ^;eticule I car- ried on the left arm, shouldered a green cotton umbrella, took a piece of red flannel to make a shirt for some little innocent bud on the tree of Abolitionism, and sallied forth, as the Yankee clock struck two. Mrs. Sniveller was in. The front parlor and the middle parlor was full of noble women, while the best bedroom was full of bonnets, green um- brellas, and reticules, in which to carry home Bweetcakes, tarts, biscuit, plum pits, apple cores, and such little things slyly slipped from Mrs. Sniveller's table. Mrs. Sniveller didn't know me. I told her I was little Sally Squiggle, as what lived there "Loidy massy, so it is I Why how njvtural you do look I Bless me, let me kiss my dear Sally." — Page 41. A New England Sewing-Circle. 41 ten years before, and had been South teachin' skule ! " Lordy massy, bo it is I Why, how natural you do look, now it all comes to me agin ? Bless me 1 let me kiss my dear Sally, who has escaped from the wretches I " And angelic Mrs. Sniveller came near putting my right eye hora de combat with the end of her nose I I was introduced. Nineteen women were glad to see me, and kissed their dear little Sally till my waterfall got skewed clear around under my left car, and I began to feel a rising sensation in my throat from the hugging then and there given — or words to that effect. After I had been so affectionately gone through, I went into the bedroom to reconstruct ! Gracious I My waterfall had got under ray left ear, making me look as if some ugly man of sin had lifted me one with brass knuckles, and forgot to take it home with him, while my beautiful front hair resembled a garden full of pea- vines 42 A New England Sewing- Circle. after a hurricane. But I retained my composure, and went out to become the centre of attraction. " My dear Sally ! " "Precious Sally!" " Little Sally Squiggle, sure enough ! " " So glad you cum hum ! " " JSTeow dew tell us all abeout it ! " Mrs. Sniveller was made chairman, and the following resolutions were adopted : " Hesolved, That this shall be called the But- tonville Benevolent Baby Association. '' Besohedj That Mrs. Sniveller be, and hereby are, our President. " Resolved^ That our aim is to help the down- trodden and bedridden daughters of Ham, now in the clutches of that vile people, and to this end every member of the B. B. B. make one little flannel shirt a week, and Sally Squiggle shall tell us the size. " Besolved, That we open and close our Society with prayer. A New England Sewing- Circle. 43 " Resolved^ That each one of the members in- vite some man to go home with her at night." (Here I was about to object for fear of exposure, but for fear of exposure I didn't object. — Sally.) After the Society was organized, I was kept so busy answering questions that I came near not finishing the baby envelope I was working on, and should not, had I not took long stitches, as people do in benevolent sewing ! Mrs. Sniveller said: "Now, Sally, ain't that ere Southern people the hatefuUest proud people the world ever did see ? Cousin John, who went down as a sutler, brought home two trunks of the proudest silks, laces, jewelry that was real gold, and set with purty stones that was real diamonds, and worth a power of money. He found them in bureaus, trunks, closets, and sich places. The sneaking, coward-men, had gone off to kill our good peo- ple, and the women were at work in the hos- pitals, and all John had to do was to whip a lot 44 A J^ew England Sewing-Circle, of little children and help himself! I know them ere folks are a wicked, mean, ongrateful Bet, and ought to be killed.'' Mrs. Puritan wanted to know if it was true that the people of the South actually cooked biled dinners on Sunday? If they did, she really hoped her cousin in Congress would pass a law that whenever a man in the South cooked a biled dinner on Sunday, he should be hung before dinner, and his biled dinner should be sent Korth ! Mrs. Pinchbeck hoped the war would continner to go on till there was no more end of nothing. For her part, it was all stuff about the people suf- fering during the war. Her Josiah had a con- tract, and made two hundred thousand dollars the first year ; and when her brother^ Hev. Peak- nose Ranter, came back from the war — where he had periled his precious life eating preserves so they would not hurt sick soldier — she brought home more than fifty gold watches, and the nicest A JVew England Sewing- Circle. 45 gold-clasp Bible, which was now used every Sun- day in one of the Buttonville churches. Mrs. Squeak said the people of the South were nothing but murderers; for when her brother, Colonel Fibre Hunter, was out in a field, doin' nothin', killin' nobody, doin' nothin' but just seein' how much cotton an army team could draw, so he could tell if it was a good team, some cowardly gorilla shot a hole clean through him, and wouldn't even send his clothes home for her Jedediah to wear out ! And she hoped if an- other war ever did come, some of them sinful men of the West would go down and do it to 'em agin ; not that she cared so much for her brother, but she wanted them are clothes for her Jedediah ! Mrs. Cockeye said she hoped there would be a hull passel of wars ; for her cousin, her dear g^pd cousin, Benjamin (the Beast), had made lots of money in the late war, and had supplied nearly all her relatives with spoons, watches, silver- ware, etc. ; and said it was right the war should 46 A New England Sewmg-Cirde. go on, for her cousin was safer in war than before a court of justice, even ; and said it was a Chris- tian duty to let all Christian wars be continnered so long as there was anybody to continner 'em. Mrs. Sniveller here spoke again : "Well, I don't care, nohow. The South should be fought ! "What right had they to have cotton picked by niggers without asking our con- sent ? And they were rich. And they had nice things. And we believe a nigger baby is of more account than a white pauper in the IS^orth. And my husband, Deacon Sniveller, wants more bones to make buttons of; he'll sell the buttons to the South and "West, and they will have to pay us !N"ew England Christians for the privilege of wearing out their own bones." By this time tea was ready. "We had a good tea. Such curious silver- ware — old-style, pure silver — didn't taste brassy a bit, and all of us ladies tasted all the silver dishes to see ! And such a lot of spoons ! Each one of us had at A New England Sewing-Circle, 47 our plate a spoon with our initials on. Mrs. Sniveller had a barrel of silver spoons, and hunted them over till she found our regular initials in regular order ! Oh, it was so nice ! And we piled all the shirts up in a chair, and put a Bible, rescued from the wicked South, on the top of the pile, and then Kev. Mr. Slammer came in and made a prayer, while Mrs. Drawler, on a nice rosewood piano, played that patriotic piece of music — " John Brown's body lies mouldering in the grave ! John Brown's body lies mouldering in the grave! John Brown's body lies mouldering in the grave I Glory, Glory, HaUelujah I " After which the Button ville B. B. Society of Button ville, Commonwealth of Massachusetts, adjourned till next Thursday, when I am going again, if they don't find out that Sally Squig gles is That horrid : "Beick" Pomerot. CHAPTEK YL BiLURIA BULKINS AND OUR CoURTSHIP. 'LUEIA was a husky Seraphim, de- scended all O. K. from ancient Bul- kins, who used to sit on a mackerel tub in Deacon Whezeener's grocery, with his legs crossed, and tell what a powerful delegate he was when he was a young man. He was the man. He was the individual as what had the sylph I sparked. Biluria was his dart. And a nice darter she were. She had a mother — a nice lump of lean, who wore a peaked nose, a pair of black stockings, knit springy at the top to save garters, and for twenty-five years went about the Biluria Bulkins and our Courtship, 49 house before going to bed, clad like an angel, with a fire-shovel in one hand and a tallow-dip in the other, looking to see as how as if that ere dod-derned cat had concluded to stay in or to go out. I don't like cats, except in fiddle-strings. Mrs. Bulkins was a vehement catist — she always had more cats than doughnuts in the house. Biluria didn't hanker after cats, but then could endure them. There was one cat — Mr. T. Cat. He was a handsome and a feline rascal. He devastated milk-pans, and created funerals in hen-coops about young chicken time, and made a telescope of his tail every moonlight night on the roof of the woodshed, accompanied by more cat and much yell. He was the only feline Biluria could endure. Gushing Biluria ! She used to sit up nights when I went to spark her, with that blessed c-a-t in her lap, right where my head ought to be, and pull its little slender whiskers. Said I : ^' Biluria, do so by me ! " Said Biluria: " Oh, your wiskers ain't big enough 3 50 Biluii^a BuVkinh and our Courtship. to pull, yet." Then we'd eat a doughnut, and drink some cider, and look in the fire. Then I'd listen to the snoring of the two Bulkinses in the setting-room bedroom, and Biluria would sit and play with the cat's tail. Said I : " Bil- uria, do so ! " ]N"o, I didn't say so, neither ; I just said : '' Biluria, if you don't diminish those cat on them floor, I'll occupy them lips for a kiss!" And down always went the cat, and I occupied Biluria, so to speak, and kissing was thus enjoyed. ^^ 2\cas nice ! ^^ It weakens me now to think of it. To turn one of Biluria's kisses over in the store-room of memory is no fool of a job. Biluria had red lips, and the sweetest ever investigated. I used to investigate them. I was the committee to do that are. ]VIy arms were my credentials. I used to hold out my credentials. Skirmish to the front, throw out my pickets, rally to the breastworks of affec- tion, tie my credentials about Biluria's bread- basket, and go in radically for a lover's kiss. JBiluria Bulkms and our Courtship. 51 Oh ! I guess not ! Biluria was the sweetest kisser in the world, except when she'd been eating onions. She was a Wethersfield girl — a Connecticut child of sorrow — and oft did fill her pancake-trap with onions. At those times the nectar of love was a little strong — too strong to gush much. But at other times 'twas no use talking. Why, one of her kisses would last me a week, if I couldn't get more ! They used to gush out all over, run down my shirt bosom into my vest pocket, and solidify like candy. I used to bite them off, there, as from little sticks of candy. I could not always be with Biluria. I had the wood to cut, the cows to fodder, the sheep to com, the hens to roost, the swine to feast, the steers to chase away from the wheat-stack, and the apples to sort, and this kept me from Biluria. But while I was hence from her, she made up kisses, ripened them on her lips, and left them hanging there for me to ])luck. And you 52 Biluria Bulhins and our Courtship. bet I was a lively plnckist on those occa- sious. One time old Biilkins was took. He was a deacon. He made prayers at niglit over two liom-s, long, and lie Avan't a stuttering man, either ! I was there. Biluria was there. The old lady Bulkins was there, asleep. Biluria took hold of my hand with her hand, and we went to sleep. We thus reposed nigh onto two hours. At last Bulkins terminated ! lie had consoled the old lady to slumber, and rej)osed Biluria and I. He was thunder-struck quitely when he came to. He was naturally a jokist, so from a warm room he entered into the outer air for an icicle to gently touch the old lady and Biluria where my " love lies dreaming." The cold comfort he brought in wakened us, but in going out for it he caught cold. The next day he wheezed a little. I wanted to try heave medicine, but he wouldn't. I saw he was took He saw it. We all felt bad, for the old Bulkins Bilv/ria Bulhms and our CourtsJiijp. 53 was rich, and it is hard for the rich to die ! The old lady found comfort in a black bottle. She was a gin-uine spiritualist ! Biluria and I found consolation, too. She had lots of it — enough for me, at all events ! The old man lingered. lie was saving. He didn't want to die in the winter, for it was more expensive to open the earth, then. lie was near- sighted, but at last he saw something. He re- marked but little. He said, perhaps we had bet- ter wed. He was facetious, even in his agony. He said: "My two B.'s, if it must B so, let it B 80, though I don't see how it can be. Send for a minister, and a mature almanac." Bulkins left soon after. We marched forth with him in March. Mrs. Bulkins lingered and went also. We inserted her by the side of the other Bul- kins. One night I felt a little thick, and went to the buttery for the gin bottle! It was empty! Who wouldn't die when the bottle refused to respond? CA Biluna Bull-ins and our Courtship. " I woiiUl not livo always, I would not if T could ; So I slung Mio empty bottle, And put another where it stood 1 " And thiia I inherited Biluria, and the farm, and the Btock, and the ohl wagons, and tho fences, and the potato holes, and the trash in tho barn, and the broad acres of T^nlklns, the pariont of l>ihiria. It'a a good way to amass wealth. Better than working for it, and more nicer. And now yon onght to see ns. "We go to ehnroh every Sunday. We have nigh onto twenty littlo Bilnrias and *' Bricks," and there is no good rea- son why, in com-se of time, we may not have a fiunily to rise up in the morning and quarrel about their shoes and stockings, till their blessed mother gives them all a warm spot to sit down on. "We hope, and more too. I am happy now. We never read newspapers, for that would be a waste of money. We just go along on the road of life, at a jig-jog gait, and nothing troubles us. Bilurla BulhiiiH awl our (JourUh'ifp. 55 I'm a sort of easy delegate. Biluria is the oiil;y literary one in tlio family. Slio don't care much to read papers winter ni^lits, hut is deatli on (;1(1 almanacs and such, and I am a happy "Bkick" Tomeroy. CTIAPTEH YII. Pickerel-Fishing in Connecticut. IIEISTMAS and Sunday made a joint- 'V,.W4 stock concern tliis year, and skirmished in together. We saw them approach, and retired in good order, so as not to embarrass them dm-ing their " toilight" hours. Yery con- siderate, of conrse ! Cliristmas and Sunday went out togetlier. We fear for Sunday, as Christmas is a hilarious chap, in honor of whose birth all who have the stamps get liigli. Selah ! Buck and we took much second dinner with Holcomb, ye uproarious, whose residence, on the elevation, towers far above the otlier towers. PickerelrFishing in Ccnmecticut. 67 Then we advanced on two bodies of the enemy, well entrenclied. We advanced rapidly, and went home before Christmas and Sunday dis- solved their joint-stock concern. And in the morning we awoke. Hair felt heavy. So young, and yet so fair! So light, and yet no lightning. Buck said pickerel-fishing would cure the hair. S'posc Buck knows. Wlio knows ? Advanced out of bed in good order. Flanked a liberal breakfast. Struck ile on om- boots. Boy skirmished on a hardware store, and re- turned with much fish-lines and large majorities of pickerel-hooks. We took our pick. Went for mummy-chubs. Nice bait, those mummy-chubs. Fat little fellows from the salt sea foam, with much wiggle. Captured many of those — at least seven hundred. Ycry moist out. Rain was on the fall muchly. Made for Factory Bond. ]3uck carried two field-pieces, loaded. We car- ried mummy-chubs, (iot to pond. Nice pond, 3* 68 Pickerel- Fishing i7i Connecticut. with ice on its cold bosom. Nice ruin, bnt a little too wet. Forgot the hooks. Sent boy two miles to the rear for hooks, which came np in good order. Cut numerous holes through the ice — like perforating for petroleum. Married the liook to tho wiggler mummy-chub, and drop- ped a line to the pickerel. Sat down on the ice to wait for a bite. Patience is a good thing — yery good thing. Saw Buck balancing a colum- biad on his chin. We skirmished down upon him in time to turn in for relief ! Thought it was " inducing " to the pickerel. BoiTowed one of Buck's inducers^ and fell back to original position. Very fine rain in Bridgeport. Lots of holes in the cerulean skimmer. Confound the pickerel. AVe induced them in vain. Weather quite perspiring. Buck gave up in despair. We maintained, baited anew, and induced every four minutes. Very fine fishing in Factory Pond. Rather too fine. How easy it rained upon tlio just as well as the unjust. It was a pickerel or Picker el- Fisliing in Connecticut. 51i two bottles of wine. So we kept inducing, but in vain. At last tlie glass columbiad ceased to chipper! How natural it is to mourn for de- parted spirits. Selah ! ITot another drop — as the man said after he w^as hung. The rain fell through, but who cares ? The little fat wiggling mummy-chubs floated in the tin pail — a pail full of triumphant glee of most of fish's character. But not a pickerel. Four long hom^s sitting on the cold dampness. It was worse nor sparking. Nary a bite, nary a pickerel ; but one sucker was taken in ! "We returned in good order. Got home at four o'clock, hungry and dry — considering the weather. Buck wanted the wine — we had it. Went to room. Felt chilly. Eaw air is rasping on fine blood. Drew table beside hot coal stove. Drew chair up to table. Pulled a wooden thing hitched to a wire. Thought it was a fish-line ! Was fun, so we pulled again. Man came up. Went down. Came again. Left a glass swan, (JO IHclcerel- Fishing in Connecticut. witli long neck but Avitli good body. Hot water and lumps of sugar. The house grew quiet. '^* ''^' It grows quieter. Tlie fluid cvaporetli from the transparent prison. The bell-ropo dances a jig — munnny-chub at otlier end of it! Very fine weather. AV arm weather. Boots come oti' hard. Some fellow's head feels buzzy. Ilair aches. The ink-stand ain't on the stand — it won't stand still two consecutive seconds. Four holes in that iidv-stand. The pen has split itself into two pens. The lines on this paper run to skirmish with each other. The lamp looks like a new moon. The stove danceth a jig to invisible music. Fine day for spirits. Big day for pickerel. Good pickerel — no danger fishing for 'em — they won't hlte anyhody! Honest pick- creler! AVouldn't hooh one for the world. Darned pen is sick. Tried to induce it to write. Used up all the rye cider inducing. Good pen — fine holder, but can't hold-er steady. Nice place to fish in is Factory Pond. Can fish there all Pickerel-Fishing in Connecticut. 61 day, just as easy ! Wc see lots of fish now. Sec cols in our boots. Nice eels, but very lively. Nice boots, with ''eels on 'em. The eminent chanticleer who ruled this paper must have been cross-eyed, for hang us if the parallels run straight. One more enemy in those glass con- cern. It concerns us. Spirited enemy. Come rest in this chest I It resteth muchly. Hurrah for pickerel I New England pickerel ! They must have been on a bust to-day. How small the bottles are since this cruel war is over, no Irish need apply. "Wish those bell rope would waltz up this way. Would go and yank it, but don't feel well. Then, wc arc no Yankee. Tried to reach it. Can't do it. Nice bell rope. Little too wild for steady use. Nice country for game, when rats run up a man's limbs, and eels crawl in his boots for the rest — the rest, ze rest — z'rest! Wonder of z'sem pickerelzes ever bite za'selves ? Mus' be, for za won't bite us, an we induced z'sem with muchness. Three cheers for 62 PickerelrFishiiig in Connecticut. fi — ^fi any man — any Dick-er-in-son or any other man. " Darn z'at bell-rope — it ain't in z'e right posi — po — pozizhnn ! Connecticut fisherel pick- ing z'ra iimburg an' z'o zot hell er' ope! CHAPTEE YIII. B-0-S-T-0-N-! lOSTOlSr is the cradle of Lib ! The place where Mr. "Warren fell and hurt him- Bclf. The place where Wendell Phil- lips, the " silver-tongued " orator, doth abide. It is the " hub of the universe," and the dwelling- place of the big organ. Boston thinks she is the largest place in this world — or the next. Boston is a very complacent burg. We rather like Bos- ton, for there is no village like unto it, from the fiddling of Nero to the Revelation of St. John, KB.! Half way between Providence and Boston — 64 B-o-8-t-o-n-! for Boston is a, long ways from Providence — as we were riding in a car, a still small voice, like the whistle of an engine, broke upon the air. A gentleman in the seat with ns uncovered his bald head, and, with a smile, bade us listen ! " What's that ? " said wo. " The big organ in Boston 1 " said he, with a funeralic wave of liis hand. " The devil ! " said we. "Thou shalt not profane I" said the spokes- man from the hub. " Hast been to Boston ? " asked he of the silver tongue. " We hast notist," replied we, then there to him. He looked — " poor heathen I " He said w^e must visit the Cradle of Liberty. We asked him if Fred Douglass and Anna Dickinson had engaged that cradle yet? He didn't see it ! Ho Bald we must visit Faneuil Hall. We asked him what nigger troupe was performing there now? B-o-8-t-o-n-! 65 He looked bewildered. Then he said we must see where Warren fell. We asked him if War- ren ever got over it — the place where he fell. lie appeared demoralized. lie said we must liear the big organ before we left Boston. We went to hear the big organ. It is held in several buildings. It is one size larger than Boston. Boston is the hub around which the organ revolves. The organ is a revolver. Like the organ, this is a big j)lay on words. People in Is^ew York and Buffalo hear the moan of the sea. The moan is the big or- gan. It is used in mass ! It has a sort of long island sound ! Boston people go to Heaven through the big organ. That is, when the nigger is out, so they cannot go through him. GO B-o-s-t-o-n-! There are but few gambling-houses in Boston. ISo such felloes are around that hub. They don't play *' straits " in Boston — not in the streets. Ilai'vard College is just beyond reach of the big organ. Cambridge Univei'sity is always in session. It is a law school. The pleading is done at the bar of the Parker House. The studies at Cambridge are said to be very dry. They allect the pupils. Pleading at the bar affects them, likewise — or more like than wise. No one ever gets lost in Boston. The city is so well organ-izQ.^. Like the big organ, Boston has numerous stops 1 Some of the streets are neai'ly as long as a fish-pole ; but not so long as a Johnson veto message. If a man don't like one street in Boston, it is easy to get on another one. After fom- days' trial we could go from the Bo-8-t-o-n-! G7 Parker Ilouse to the City Hall without getting lost! This is a fact. And in five days wo learned the route from Scollay's Building to Engine Ilouse No. 4. The business blocks in Boston are in shape like Norwegian shoes ! The streets of Boston are like hop-poles struck by L'ghtning. Some of them are so wide that a cow could be milked in them by turning her on her back, and sitting astride her brisket. Small horses are driven abreast — large horses tandem — in Boston. The fat woman was exliib- ited there once — in the big organ. Boston streets are not so crooked as they might be. The sun has warped them straight. Yery clean in Boston. If a lady drops a pin from her clothes, policeman makes her pick it up. If a man shoots an apple seed out of a grocery, he is fined. Bos- ton is very neat — especially near the big organ and cradle of liberty. If a man drops a remark, he is made to pick it up. And Boston people 68 JB-os-t-o-n-f are so modest. They under-rate themselves ter- ribly. The streets of Boston must have been thrown in at the time of some big fire — they are so regular. If you would find any place, start in an opposite direction. If you see a policeman coming towards you, he is going the other way. If he runs from you he'll be where you are in no time. Up hill is down, and " over there " is "back here." One day we started from the office of the Boston Post to the Boston post-office, seventy feet distant. We walked straight ahead — went around seven blocks — saw a policeman standing in a door-way on each block — asked each one the route to the post-office. Saw the eighth policeman, asked him politely. Said he, "Look here, this is the eighth time you've asked me that question ! Move on, or up you go ! " Thought the policemen must be brothers— they looked so much alike! Rather than go B-O'8't-o-n-! 69 around the block again we went t'other way, began to unwind, and got into the post-oflSce by mistake. The front of a building is inside — in the courts. Except the big organ and the cradle ! Ben. Butler spoke, while we were there, on the restoration policy. Went to his meeting, expecting to see him giving back silver- ware and other valuables. Was mistaken. That kind of restoration wasn't policy ! House rents are cheap in Boston. Moving is cheaper than house rent. It's all owing to the hub, the big organ, and the cradle. There is no drinking in Boston. Ko peculiar female characters. What is common is not pe- culiar. New Bedford is to be moved into Boston Boon. By legislative enactment, the mumps are to be confined to Democrats — the cholera is to trouble only foreigners — the chicken-pox is to 70 B-o-s-t-o-n-l be confined to old hens — niggers are to have straight hair to disgrace them — and the whites are to have curly wool on their craniums to make them popular in Boston. ISTot forgetting the big organ and the cradle of liberty ! N'ew York is in the watch-fob, the South in the breeches pocket, and the "West buttons on the tail of the coat of Boston. The sun rises in Boston. The final conflagra- tion of mundane things will begin in Boston, on account of the big organ and the cradle ! Bos- ton would have been laid out more re2:ularly if the dogs of olden times had been pointers, or the cows had walked in more direct paths. There- fore we may see many calves in Boston. So much for tilting hoops ! A good place to move from — if one moves early. From the cradle to the big organ, Crookedly, "Bkick" Pomeroy. CHAPTEE IX. How I LOST AURELIA. IE still, fond heart and sich, ye're tliinkin' ^ on her now ! In a little box, this morn- ing, old and blood-stained as 'twere by time, beside an old Testament, a slate pencil, and a little brass finger-ring^ I found a tin top and wooden-bottom button, of the real old sort. Thirty years since I slung those buttons into them box, with a sigh of great size. I was bom at an early exclamation point of life, of poor but wealthy parents, and grew up to boy's estate on such food of love as mush and milk, pork and beans (subdued by caloric), Y2 How I lost Aurelia, chicken pot-pies, harvest apples, young milk — ■ not intoxicable — and dreams. Dreams sustained me through the night, while the tall pines roar- ing without taught me to pine for some one — while the butter-nut tree across the road, dan- dling imaginary babies in the air, with its long limbs or arms, told me plain as tree could talk that I'd hutternot live always without some one to dandle, and et cetery ! Yes ! And so I loved, but knew it not ! With my pants on the floor, my jacket thrown on the foot of the bed, my hat safely hove into a cor- ner of my bedroom, how I dreamed the happy hours away till milking time. Ah, me ! I was happy then, but not old enough to know it ! And I loved. Start not, gentle reader; but this is a fact. Aurelia Tillindiast was the rose I hummed around. She was three sum- mers and somewhere near four winters older than I was at that time. But I caught up with her! She afterward married, and grew How Host Aurelia. 73 young soon after, and then I got the start of her. She had a father at the time I loved her, and before, too, for all I know. I said she was older. So she was. She was born of poor .but wealthy parents ; but the poor pre- dominated to a severe muchness. She was part French — from Dublin. She was large. There was no other girl on the creek. Oh ! I loved her as the deep blue tree loves the morning air; as the trout loves the briny deep; as the dog loves its midnight bark; as the infants On their mother's knee Drink and love their catnip tea, So I did love my Au-ril-ye! The only child of Tillinghas— t And his wife! My folks said it was wrong; but love knew better. It wasn't much of a catch for either of us ; but 'twas the best we could do! My folks didn't favor the alliance. Aurelia's derivatives, seeing in my little gait, 4 74: How Ilost Aurelia. in my sparkling eyes, light hair, and love for sass, much to admire, as it betokened genius, was willing. So I used to run away, ^nq miles through the woods, to see her who was so dear to me. And she used to ^s. up. I went six nights in the week. Every night Aurelia did wash her feet, and slip on her cowhide slippers. They looked red like, but 'twas all right, for pride is abom- inable. And being economical, Aurelia did not wear hose. IS^ature unadorned is adorned the most. And her hair! A very gentle mauve, without spot or blemish. Pure as the life of John Brown, straight as the mountain ash ! Her face was — well it was all face — and her breath was like new-blown hay. Ah, how I loved her ; who could help it ! There was no more Au- relias within sixteen miles, for honest men with little girls in their families had not discovered the beauties of our woodland place of residence ! Am-elia's father liked the idea of wedlock How I lost Atirdia. 75 concerning us. Aurelia had experienced twenty- two seasons of severe existence. Her father was a primitive artist, and played the march of civilization on the monarchs of the forest. He reaped the rich reward of twelve dollars a month and board for this pastime. My derivative was his employer. Hence the position ! Aurelia had much appetite, and was expensive in this branch of education. Hence the desire. Dry- goods were expensive, and Aurelia's father being like his daughter, a little fat, had great difficulty in making both ends meet. Hence the ambition of the Tillinghasts. My father was more wealthier. He could brandish a watch on the Sabbath, slung from a genuine silk cord. And he had a satin vest, sev- enteen years old. And he had a pair of boots for Sabbath wear. And one griddle of the stove was always removed to furnish the wherewithal to polish those boots. I had to polish them. Hence my polish air and polished manner. 76 Iloir / lost A urclia. Kvery Sunday, nt two o'clock, tlio Btago cnmo into tho BcKloiiuMii. bov(mi milo^A up tlio crock. Thcro >vcro (wo lu>rscs to that, siai;"c, and at, least once a nu»nlh it had a pasBenjrer. C^nco it had two |>ass(Mijj!;crs a uiai\ aud doiJ^. 'V\w uiau rodo on the scat with the driver; the doi;' ran behind. That Mas a big day for Socly Cnn^k. J\Iy lather often Bpoko k^^ it. lie luul been to tlu^ settlement every Suiulay lor tour years. lie was sick one day. 'Twas on that day the stai^^e had two ]>as- pengiM's. l'\ntlun* said it was just his luck. Tho }>eople th(M't^ talked about tlu^ sta^-e for ii lonj:; time. It waited an hour till lather could arrive, but ho didn't come. 11 (^ was sick. He heard (^i it, and felt bad, but all the neii!;hbors told him oi it. And Tillinixhnst always went to tlio settle- ment with him. They used to talk about my nuirria^ijo with Aurelia, Tillinghast wont to tho pcttlemont tluit Sunday, as usual, and he, a poorer man than my father, eaw tho ptago come in ! My father did not sec tho stage come in, and tlio How I lost Aurelia. 77 idea that Tillingliast did see it, created a coolness between them (even in July) they did not get over till January. My father was a proud man — as he should have been, having such a son. So he told Til- linghast the match should be broken oft*. My father was a tall man, six feet four. Tillinghast was a little fat cuss, four feet six. Tliey used to look up and down at each other. And that was tlie long and tlie short of it. The proposed wed- lock was delayed. Tillinghast made ofters. lie offered to settle lots of property on his daughter. lie, too, was proud, and eager for the fray — so to speak. I was tall, like my masculhie derivative. Aurelia, like a dutiful girl, patterned after lier papa. Filial affection is commendable, so I commcndabled Aurelia. And everybody wants to marry in a high family. But the stage afiair damed the stream of neighborly afiection existing between our pater- nalfl. Tillinghast was to blame — he said so. He 78 How Host Aurelia, offered to give Aurelia, on her wedding, a skillet without a handle ; a half-dozen new sap troughs ; a pair of red stockings, which should come to within an inch of her dress ; a new splint broom ; a wooden pancake turner, made out of water- beech, so that its natural limber would flap the cakes nicely ; a top-knot hen ; a wooden scoop- shovel, in which to take up dirt from the kitchen ; a pair of his old pants to begin a rag carpet with, and a new fine-comb, left there by a pedler the year before in payment for supper, lodging, and breaktast for himself, horse, and wagon I Father consented, and hoAv happy I was ! Hastened I to Aurelia and told her the news. We two turtle-doves sat on the edge of the spring, and paddled our feet in its limpid waters by moonlight, for hours. I never had kissed her before, for it is wrong to kiss girls — before you kiss them! But that night, how I went for kisses. We smacked and smacked, till the owls " We two turtle doves sat on the edge of the spring and paddled our feet in its Hmpid waters by moonhght for hours. I had never kissed her before." — Page 78. How Ilost Av/reUa. 79 hooted in fear. And 1 Imgged Aurelia ever bo mnclily. We Blipped into tlie npring, and hug- ged each other then ; tliiit was tlic iirnt Anrolia ever knew of a waterfall ; Init it didn't iruiko Iier proud. * •>«• * * At hiBt a new fitage- routc was put on. It led by Aurelia'B liouse. Her fatlier'B liouse did not have many mansionB, hut it was enlarged and made a stage house. And the stage stopped there over night. And that accomplished stage-driver was a mean cubs I I thought it then ; I think it now. He was not handsome, like myself; but lordy, how he could crack a whip 1 Early in the morning he would get on a stump by the barn and snap that long whip till the hens and roosters would cackle* for two hours! Aurelia's parents thought 'twas I kissin' Aurelia, but 'twan't ! And all this a heavy novelty was to that sweet little one. She had never experienced bo much happiness previous. It was a new thing. Like 80 How I lost Auvelia, BOino other people, new things proved to be her best game I And the whipper-snapper of a stage driver brouglit hor candy all the way from Eliuira, then called by the name of New- town. Anil he did keep his hair greased I And essence of cimianion bronght he for those luanve-coniplexioned tresses, and essence of peppennint for her breath. He was an extrav- agant stagist! And it was by thns the serpent ^.'t^ that gay fellow's love stole into my temple, I tlunight him all-fired lunnbly. I often in- formed Anrelia to this end, bnt she conld not discern it. Ue nsed to kiss her, and hug her, and I knew it. And slio liked it! But what could I do? Anrelia was the first born I I bought a whip, and had a big snapper put on it, and nearly cut my ears off in the endeavor to crack it as fiercely as did Johiel, for that was liis nauio. But 'twas no use ; the business was new, the snapper wouldn't snap, and Jehiel beat me ! How IloHt Aurelia. 81 The niglit \vc sat on the edge of the spring and hugged ourselves into it, I wanted to bo liberal. I had nothing, so I gave Aurelia a button from my trowserloons. I had no knife to cut it off, so Aurelia chawed it off. And I took some of her hair, made a little string from it, and hung it around her neck. It was a charm with Aurelia's charms. Slic wore it near her heart. I was hapj)y when she wore it, and often wished I was a little button with a tin top and wooden bottom, so I could hang around Aurelia's neck. When the stage stopped at Tillinghast's ho spruced up. He had my father then where the hair was short, and their affection took another cold. My father took a rheumatism in his limbs, and couldn't walk to the settlement, as he once could, to see the stage come in. So he went to walk down to the corner where Aurelia lived, to see it come in. Seeing stage come in 4* 82 How I lost Aurelia. was one of his best holts. And he used to ad mire Jehiel, who was the greatest whip-snapper in that county. He took pi-ide in it. I grew to hate my father because he spoke well of Jehiel. Not of him, but of his whip-snapping. I felt bad and out in the hemlock pined to a shadow. * * * One day father come home. He handed me something tied up in a little piece of dirty cloth. I opened it. It was the button now before me. A simple button, but it did a tale unfold which rang in my ears worse than ever did Jehiel's whip I It bore the marks of Aurelia's teeth, where once,. in maiden meditation, she had squoze a tooth in it, while chawing it off I It was a simple tin- top wooden-bottom button, but I hated it, and stamped it to the earth. Four little tears stood in the eyes of the button as it lay pressed in the moist earth. I took it up carefully, and How Host Aicrelia, 83 laid it away, as I would Aurelia, and it has never been looked at till now. And I grew up to be "Bkick" Pomeroy. P. S. — Aurelia got married, and her Jeliiel is still stage-driving. " B." P. CHAPTER X. The Dog-Gondest Dog. URN the dorg! There goes a three-by- five feet pane of plate-glass out of a door, and there goes the cussedest and wnssedest piece of excitable canine we ever saw! Four years ago, the day after a chap on the cars had the upper end of his snoot punched for calling us a traitor, Po. Hatcher gave us that red and brindle batch of dog, then done up small like, but looking so buU-dogish that we were afraid of his picture for a week ! Po. said he was an Alabama bull-dog, im- The Dog-Gaidest Dog. 85 ported from ISTew Jersey in a basket, as a sample of the handsome of that country. But lie was a pretty purp. His tail was no longer than a wicked man's prayer, and was full as stunin'I And those ears! They looked like a small corner of plug tobacco! And such eyes ! And such eyebrows ! When he was but a child, so-called, some monster must have slung him head-first against a stone wall! His jaws were pretty jaws. They were so severe in their angles. There was so much jaw in pro- portion to the purp, that we wanted to call him Swisshelm; but he wan't that kind of a pet! But he was nigh onto all jaw! We kept him four weeks in the sanctum, and all that time hired a nigger to watch him. He'd steal — steal is no name for it! And he kept that nigger mighty busy watching him, till at last the nigger, being such a smart, mim- icky, educationable cuss, got so much worse nor the dog, that we kept the dog to watch 80 The J)og-Gond€St Bog. tho iui2:o:orl Epui, wnu't it Ji lull team ^ Strange how niggoi-t* will loarn lliini:!:^^! And ho was tho hiing-riost doi2j wo ever saw! A ponnywovth of boot' didn't last him as loni:;; as a tou-dolhu* bill would a Democrat the night before ejection, lie had a lino voice for beef. And what tho dog would not cat, the nigger would ! And tho dog grew largo, and ponderous about tho jaws. Ko usotl to oat paper, books, mats, vests, old hats, gloves, patont-loathcr boots, window curtains, and sich. lie ate such stuff for dessert. That dog ate a full calt-bomul sot of Harper's AVookly one day, just on account oi the call'. And he ate ten copies oi tho Chicago 'Tri- bune one day, but tho lie in thom papers made him so dog-goned sick all that week that he would have died if the nigger in 'em hadn't emeticked 'em out, and so he got well ! But ho never pined himself to a shadow haukeriug after Ivopublicau nowspapei*s any luore. And he kept on stealing. AVo alwaA-a thought tliem Kepubli- The Dofj-Oondefsfj Dog. 87 can newBpapers aided the development of tliat complaint, for he was sure to steal all the nigger earned for ub. He'd walk out on a rainy day for his health, and always came back with something he'd pmnd. Once it was a lady's veil. Then it was half a ham, with a hutchcr-knife sticking in it. What he wanted to bring the knife with him for is more than we know, unless he had to cut and run ! One day he came in with a baby's cradle. There was some blood on the edge of it, and all that afternoon tlie bell-man was out ringing a boll and yelling, "Boy lost!" John Jjrown didn't go out for two or three days I Once he came in with a wooden log in his teeth. That night a wooden-legged soldier was missing ; but as crippled soldiers were of no ac- count, he didn't try to keep shy a bit. He brought us the leg, no doubt thinking it the kind of club we like for the La Crosse Demo- crat. And he used to steal money! He'd go 88 The Dog-Gonde^t Dog, into a store and snatch greenbacks out of a cash drawer, just as handy ! One day he came in with a contribution box lie'd stolen from the entry-way of a close com- munion church. He carried the box behind the end of the sideboard, broke it open — and looked sick! John Brown never stole a contribution box again ; and after that, when we'd point to that box, and smile, he'd drop his tail — wdiat there was of it — and look mean enough. And he'd steal haltei*s, bridles, saddles, and such stuff. And as he grew older, he'd actually unhitch a horse and lead him across the line into Minne- sota. When any one would call out, *' John Brown," he'd go for a horse, sure. And so we had to change his name. What to call the cuss we didn't know. But as he had chawed up so many books, and was always meddling with what was none of his business, and grew to be sort of dogmatic, and radical about his bloody jaws, we left off calling The Dog-Oondeat Dog. 89 him Jolin Brown, and called him Sumner. For a while he seemed to like it. He was a ambi- tious dorg, and to keep his name good, meddled with BO much that was none of his business that at last he got a dog-goned caning, which so affected his backbone that we had to send for Anna Dickinson. After she strengthened ui> his spinal vertebrge, he howled and ranted around so we had to change his name again. So well called him Curtiss. And that seemed to please him mightily. He'd stand on his hind legs before a glass, poke the hair out of his eyes, and when he went out doors he strutted about as though he was going to fight a Pea Eidge bat- tle I And what notice he'd take of mules ! He fell in love with mules ! He became enamored of mules, and often would lead them to the out- skirts of the city and hide them in the bushes. And he grew into such a taste for cotton. Never saw a dog so fond of cotton. In fact, he had such a love for cotton that 'twan't safe to let him 90 The Dog-Oondest Dog. walk on the street, nor stay in tlie sanctum, nol go to any place, so we called liim Sigel. That bothered him. He had a tough time of it. Gra- cious, how he'd twist his jaws and bark! And he loved to get into a dog fight, too. He'd whip any dog in the city. But it took so long to get him in a fight, that he was useless. You see when we wanted him to fight one dog, we'd set him to fight another one, and then he'd back into the t'other one, then fight his way out! But it took so long to learn his style ; and then 'twan't always convenient to get up two fights, so we changed his name again. He grew beautiful each day. In fact, he was a handsome cuss ! And folks took so much notice of him he forgot he was nothing but a poor dog, and he acted so that we thought best to call him Butler. You never saw such a change come over a dog. He grew cunninger and cunninger every day. He'd go to butcher shops, rub his paws on The Dog- Gondest JDog. 91 the carcass of a dead beef, and come homo to make us believe he'd been fighting. And as he growled so when he came, and never had any cuts or wounds on him, we thought he was get- ting to be terribly brave. But at last we found him out. And how that dog would strut ! And he grew mean. He'd drive small dogs away from their bones, and got to chasing kittens to some point out of harm's way. And he'd snap and snarl at women — always insulting them. And he had half-a-dozen pups he'd picked up around the city, as mean but not as smart as he ; and these pups would chase poor girls into some comer where he would scowl, bark at, and then, after rubbing his dirty nose over them, leave them with some wound on them. But when he heard a gun, Lord bless you, how he'd run, and Ijold his tail close between his legs ! We had lots of trouble with him. When he saw a church, he wanted to go in and steal something. And when he saw a telegraph report in the office, he 1)2 The Bog-Oondest Dog. looked as if lie wanted to change it Bonio way. The only tliini}; he was fit for was to watch jew- elry Btorcs! Let that dop^ go by a show-window where there would bo some silver-ware, and he\i stand around there all day. And he'd look into store windows, and break into churches to look at the comninnion plate. And he'd follow a funeral for miles, if there was a silver plate on the cotHn. Most folks thought ho was alwap one of the mourners. But when we found that the graves wore dug into, and one day saw his kennel filled with silver plates, screws, etc., gnawed from cotlin-lids, we knew what a vehe- ment nunirner l>utler was. K funeral procession just passed the door — and that is what the dog- goned dog went out for so quick I If anybody wants a red and brindle, square- jawed pet of this kind, whose keeping will not amount to over tive or six hundred dollars a mouth, mdess wo have to pay for his stealings, we\l like to sell him. lie is a sweet pet — just The Dog-Gondest Dog. 93 such a pui-p as some poor man who is not able to buy a window-curtain or a book for his wife to read, would want. lie can cat a horse and chase the rider up a tree any day, and were it not for his peculiarities, would be a fine dog. Ile'II eat anything, from an inkstand to a linen night-shirt — from a pound of candles to a baby — from a magazine to an india-rubber boat, and grows more handsome every day he lives. We'll sell him cheap. For particulars address, with revenue stamp to prepay return postage on the dog, which is such a handy thing to have about yours most dog-goncd truly, "Brick" Pomerot. CHAPTER XI. Peter Oleum struck by "Brick. PETEOLEUM ! You are the Pete for l^^^w ^®- -^^^^ why! Mr. Moseg smote the tr^^^ rock, and water gushed forth, first; I smote its rock, and exceeding much of oil trickled forth. And I am rich oilso. To find such much of a greace, doth well a-grease with me. I skirmished from garret upon oil region. Ever since I became born, my poverty has been hard to be borne ! I have suffered — I have been bored by creditors ! My credit was run into the ground. People thought me rich, meanwhile, and a very meanwhile it was, too ! They Peter Oleum struck hy ''Bricks 95 tlionght I had plenty of money ; so they wanted pay down for what I bought. I^ot wishing to humor people, albeit something of a humorous, perhaps I would not purchase many things. I leased, I bored, I brought it ! Yeni, vidi, vici ! Oili-ile-si-greased. Oils well that ends well; especially if it is an oil well! I bored, and it came. I drilled a hole through a rock; and oilready have been rewarded with so much of the fuel being prepared for the final conflagra- tion, that I fear the last boil will end in as great a fizzle as did the Dutch Gap Canal. And now I am rich — more rich than any man, or any other man. I have lots of money now, when I have no use for it. "What a queer world ! Nothing like oil ! Folks say, " Hallo, here's Hon. Mr. Brick just struck a fortune. Deuced fine fellow, Mr. Brick ! " Three months since I was plain " Brick." It oil owing to Petro- leum. And now for a splurge. Brown stone house 96 Pdcr Olatni struck hy '^Bricl-r ou Fiftli avenue, with brown stono front, de- signed by old Brown himself, on both ends of it. Red horses with green tails, pink eyebrows, bine oai-s, chocolate-colored eyes, frizzled mane, and matchless stylo. Yellow wagon with black sides, purple blinds, and brown top, a hi clam shell. Ethiopian driver with white kids, solferino stock- ings, magenta hat band, and false teeth on gutta- purcha base. And a sixty-four ox-stave ethio- piauo, with brocatelle drawers, that modesty may not be shocked by looking at the legs thereof. And a library devoted to red-backs, yellow- backs, brown-backs, maroon-backs, and even " greenbacks ! '' Darn the expense, quothes I ! And I'll have a park in the woodshed, and a bathing-tub full of the oil in church, and a wild buffalo to cut steak from, and oysters as large as Lincoln's majority, and boots with round toes and square heels, and a seat in some fashionable chm'ch, and new hoop-skirts for all my hired girls, and I will employ so many niggers to wait on Peter Oleum struck ly '-'' Brick.^'' 07 me, that oil I'le have to do will bo to be happy. Oh, Pete ! let me kiss you for your Ma ! And I'll lay a-bed mornings, and I'll sit up oil night, and bore my friends oil day, till they can't bare-1 it ! Talk about honest industry, sawing wood for the dust, opening oysters for the shells, black- ing boots merely to sec your face in tlicm, and being honest forty years waiting for some rich man to adopt you ! Playea ! Petroleum is the boy. And now I'll live high. Out of the house, vain pomp ! Away from me, cold cuts, crackers, cheese, mush boiled, No. 5 mackerel, warmed-up soup, and brilliant appetites ! I've struck Pete I l^ow, when I go on the street, folks run to tlie window and smile. And they smile at me on the street. And they ask me to smile in Ginuel Cock Tail's house. And they all have a kind word ! O, Pete ! You're the A)leum for me ! Things in my limited kingdom isn't as they use to once was ! Farewell, ragged habiliments ! 98 Pdcr Oleum stnid' hy 'rBrick:' Good-by, hungry stouuieli ! Oil lliver, cold 6hoiildoi*s ! It's oil right, now. Ten year^ ago, Buggins wouldn't speak to mo, "cause I was not well, fmancially speaking. Buggins is now as cordial as horse-radish or hot whiskey. And when I would wedlock those rich girl, who so sweetly was unto nie, her eruel }Kn*ients said, "Oh, poor hut honest youth, entice thyself hence ! " And I enticed — nobody ! Now, those girl, and those cruel parients wish nio to call. How are you, bettered circunistanees ? It is good to remember oil these things ! And the time dwells in those loud recollections of mine, as liow I was not wanted at fashionable parties. Now the doors tly wide, and ebony angels of shoddy swing the panels for me to enter and revel. O Pete ! you're oil right, my boy ! Money ! More than would wad a columbiad ! Everybody is "^kig to trust me, now. I have no need for credit. Eich folks are deuced glad to see me. They bow very low to me, now. Peter Oleum struclc hy '''■Brichy 99 They didn't once. Great is Peter Oleum, and boring is its profit ! Just to think of it. How I used to once dig potatoes on shares — turn grind- stones for fun — milked cows for the buttermilk — cotton strings for suspenders — boss's old boots or freeze toes — hired man's hat or get tanned — second table or not at all — " dirty-fingered type- sticker," or poor mechanic — go afoot or stay be- hind! Oil is p, dream now. Stare, hilarious days, for poverty are over, and shoddy is, indeed, envious ! Guess I can kiss Matilda Jerusha, now, and her dad won't object, for I've struck ile ! Reckon tailor will have time to make those raiments for I this week. Think landlord won't insist upon moving out of his abode. Things is working now. Another vein is opened ! And you don't know how nice it is. If I go on a "bum," folks look over it, now. When I was poor, they looked into it. I can kick boot- blacks, snub poor people, break car windows, 100 Peter Oleum strucJc hy "Bricks tlirow goblets at waiters, hurrah for any man I like, wink at whose wife I wish to, tie my team to shade trees, stand on church cushions with dirty feet, jam people's hats down over their eyes, tell a man he is a liar, spit on the cai*pet, get drunk or sober, swear or not, as I please, and its oil right, for I've struck Pete ! And 1 can sit up oil night, and raise much h— armony. ITo one objects. Mrs. Stiggings says I is tho nicerest man she ever sawed. Mrs. Piggerly says I is the most delightingest gentlemen she ever knoAved. The Stiggins and Piggerly girls say I am mostly exquisitious ! It's oil on account of Peter Oleum, who has lately come to see me. And I'm " on it," now. Have left my meas- m*e for a set of diamonds the size of a coal bed. And I have ordered silk shirts, satin stockings, more antique elastics, and a gold sha^-ing-cup. And I'll have a guitar, harp, organ, piano, and tinkling cymbal in the house, oiled with petro- Peter OUv/m etriiclc ly '^Bricky 101 leum, so they will play easy. And my liair^ my whiskers, my pocket-handkerchiefs, my big clothes and my little clothes, shall bask in a barrel of petroleum while I sleep. O Pete, I'm fixed at last ! I'll found a church, or founder a horse. I'll buy a horse-railroad, and run it with petroleum; hire religious editors to puff me into Christianity; buy a nomination for a fat office, and become as stiff as oil-boiled silk. Go away, poverty, I am wearied of your ca- resses ! You have a large society, but I don't ap- preciate your grip. Your by-laws are right, but against my constitution. JSTow I can give advice, and it will be heeded. It's nice to have struck ile — one has so many more friends than he ever thought for, and people take such an interest in you. I can go on 'Change, buy a few thou- sand shares on call, sell gold, long or short, deal in stocks at buyer's option, have a private box at the opera, shake hands with old Mr. ISTabob, and sing what tune I please. Yoimg man, bore 102 Peter Oleum struck hy '^BrickP for oil ! Strike Pete, and be happy ! Cause the earth to gush into your lap, and beauty will gush oil over thee. Strike oil and be great ! The question once was, who inflicted a blow under the auricular of "William Patterson. Fare- well, Pat ! The interrogation now is : " Who struke Pete?" IVe struck liim, and once more am happy. If society wants to come forward and take a new brother's hand, society can now do it. If young ladies of fashion wish to carry me sweetly once ere I become die, they will please step forward, and not rumple my clothes ! If any seeker after notoriety wishes to kiss me for the Sanitary, they can now do it, and one of my niggers shall hold the stakes. I've struck Pete, and the result is much gorgeousness of ap- parel — ^many good things heretofore known to me only by observation. I would not be a poor man — I would not if I could — Peter Oleum si/ruck hy ^''BrickP 103 But I need not fret about it, For I could not if I would, while the earth divulges its hidden secrets into my lap at the rate of three liundred barrels. Its oil right, now. Once I was merely a bore. Now I am a successful borer, and my troubles have been drowned in oil by the genius of suc- cess — Peter Oleum. Oilways thine, "Brick" Pomeeoy. CHAPTER XII. Teutonic Aivouisii. FEW years since the country remem- ^6^ bers that a steamer, the Zady Elgin^ '^^^^^^ was lost on the trip from Chicago to Milwaukee, and about three hundred persons on board were drowned. The first report was that all had perished; but several escaped and re- turned to their homes, after an absence of from one to three days. There lived at Milwaukee, at that time, a burly German, named Triheister Dotswinger, who rejoiced in a three-cornered lager-beer saloon, an eight-square vrouw, and an oval-fiiced cherub of eighteen summers, boy Teutonic Anguish. 105 by nature, Schneider Dotswinger by name, and graceful as a young bologna-sausage in all its pristine bloom. Scbneider coaxed his two derivatives to go on the ill-fated steamer. News came that she was lost. The anguish-stricken Teuton, in a parox- ysm of grief, called on us in the editorial rooms, to inquire about his boy. We told him — as we were informed — that all were lost, and of course his boy was a goner. He seated liimself on a pile of books, and thus held forth : " Mein Gott ! mcin Gott ! Mr. Bumroy ! 'tis always shust so as it never vash since it vash bo, und I knows em I I have so mooch droobles dis day as never vash since I make start mit mine lager peer grocery. It is shust so all der time, and I feels so pad all down here mit mine pelly ! Lut us go und make some laerg peer drink, und I dells you pout dat Schneider vot shust now lost me in ter Lady Ilelshin ! " We accompanied the grief-stricken one to a 5* 106 Teuton ic A7}gu IsJi. Baloon wlicro lnc:cr ^va^; lu^ld ibrtli, and over a glass of tlio bovoratjjo ho thus contiiuicd: "l^ow, Mr. l^iniroy, mine lioart bo ans ka Bpiolt (played out). 1 make so mooch loves vor dat l^^chneider as vot no man never makes for hfs poy. IVo had so nioocli drooblos mil- him, doo. Veil ho v;us un line VwWv. ]>(>y, fat, slnist like un leedlc pip^, he had K) mooch Avorms asli no ])oy never had, and it dako;^ more as z-whh barrels of goot lager })eer to get dat poy out of tier worms. 2\ike sonic in()}rj)ecry Mr. />uf/)j'Oj/ / *'ITnd den, mine friend, lie makes take der leedlo meesels, and gO(unes out all over in nn solid leedle sphots, shust like uu papy vot is so freckled as never vasli ; nnd it cost mo more as doo toUars to get dat Schneider away from dem shpecklos. Und I nnikes play mit hiui on der vloor iiud have such fun shpankin him as never vasli, imd den he makes mooch grow und goes out tor door von he vants too, shust like no pody, so it does his poor i'adder's heart so mooch gc^ot to Teutonic Anguisk. 107 vatcli him ash you nov(;r naw 1 Take sorrt/i more jjeer^ Mr. Bumroy I *' UruJ den lio iriako ^row Hlm.st like notlnks. Und ho gets 8o pig in \m Jeedlc Bthumacli like hia fadder I lie vaB Bhust Buch a i)oy aHli never vash. Und he inakoB hirnBelf grow pig, und ho drinks 80 much lager peer as liis fadder, und is so much lielj) in mine grocery. JI(i (h-aws peer bo goot as I does, und I sitB all ter dime seeing Schneider draw peer, und I smokes mine l^ipe to Bliloep all ter viles I Und now I feels so pad down jiere I Take some more peer^ Mynheer Bicmroy I " Und now dat Schneider vas gone make him- Belf drown on dor Lady llelshin ! IIo vosh so goot poy as never vash, and I must make myself get unodder little Schneider shnst like him. 1 dell you, Myidieer i>umroy, I never make my- self veel BO ];ad since dat boy vas notink ! " JuBt then tlie door oj>ened, and in came Schneider, a living witness fresh from the disaster, brought up ])y Dennison on th(; carR. 108 Teutonic Angmsh. " Oh, mein Gott ! lie.^e goomes dat Schneider ! " Jumping np. " Oh, Schneider, you tainm rascal ! Kiss your ladder I Goom to your poor ladder's arms ! " They embrace. " Now take some lager peer mit your ladder. Go kiss your mud- der, you tamm rascal ! Here, kiss your ladder, you tamm rascal, vot drowns der Lady Helshin ! Und you tamm rascal, ven next you goes mit der Lady Helshin to ride, you sthay here und sell lager peer, and lets your poor ladder go have funs not hy a tamm sight ! Oh, mein Gott ! how I makes love dat poy ! I'd r adder find fifty tollars in gold as drown him mit ter steam- boat!" CHAPTER XIII. " Brick " and the Deacon's IIexa. ^^i^EACON BRIGHTWATEE lived in *^^ New Hartford, Nutmeg State. He had a red house, a red horse, a red barn, red fence, a red cow, red window sash, an old-fashioned red sleigh, a red smok^-house, red hogs, little red eyes, and a red nose — the very- picture of a New England Puritan. He had a wife who wore a red petticoat, and had the readiest tongue a woman ever fired at us. He had some little ready money, got by making cider brandy from stolen apples, and taking toll Irom the copper-spattered contribution saucer he 110 '^ Brick " arid the Deacon^ Hexa. passed in the red eliurcli in that settlement of Simday beans, week-day onions, and orthodox views. And he had a female child, whose name w^as Hexa Brightwater, and who was twenty-nine years old ; wore red stocldngs, red garters, metal- tipped shoes, green spectacles, and the prettiest red hair the world ever set eyes on or into. Hexa, a trne JSTew England gal, chewed wads of pine gum, and sweetened her breath with onions. Hexa wasn't so much handsomer than a doll as to make the doll faint ; but she was intelligent. In fact, intelligence was her best hold, but one ; she was great on making baby garments, and had two trunks full packed away, that she might be ready as williug when the evil hour drew nigh, as she trusted it would, from year to year. My father was a common sort of a rooster, and lived outside of the drippings of JSTew England blessings. He was taught that in no other place could there be found women of intelligence, and ^''Brich^^ and the Beacori^s Ilexa. Ill be sent me there to Unci a loving lass, to court some intelligent beauty, to woo some refined nutmeggress, and witli her return to my rural bome to astonish the barbarians with something beyond the average of female loveliness. I went to the Land of Steady Habits. I wanted to hand several " Bricks " down to pos- terity, and was told by father that with a New England girl for a wife I could raise more children, grow more onions, skin more eels, sing more psahns, know more of what was going on in the neighborhood, hear more scandal, sleep less nights, have more relatives, eat more beans, love myself and hate others more, and get more out of a dollar, than with any other sort of a woman in this happy country, so-called. Deacon Brightwater, with his bright red nose, was a cunning man. He was a New England Christian. He crowded nineteen eggs under a fourteen-egg hen, always borrowing the five odd eggs ! He smelt of peoples' breath to see if they 112 ^^JBricJc^^ and iJie Deacon's Uexa. had been drinking liquor, and then made a few stamps, as a Connecticut Good Templar spy, by informing against tliem. lie didn't drink him- self, but got his nose tinted by holding it so close to the mouths of those who did ! lie split matches to make them last longer, llo'd pick lip hen's heads to boil them for the fat thereon. He'd take a claw-hammer, when he went visiting, to draw tacks from ciu'pets when unseen. IIo made cider-brandy, and made it on shares. lie was always trying to swap horses, but never could find one that worked well on his machine ; so he tried each one until noon, and sent them home hungry ! He was a careful, prudent, whole-souled, liberal, spontaneous edition of be- nevolence, who gave his hogs' tails and rams' horns to the poor, and made prayers longer than the sweep of his cider mill, but, like that instru- ment, alwa}^ pointed down. Ilexa Bright water never had a beau till I visited her. She was too intelligent for the '^Briclc^'* and tJte Deacon^ 8 Jlexa. 113 common herd. She knew everything. She could tell how long a wad of gum would last, how much a Southerner made from a nigger, how many duck egg^ would hatch under a two- year-old pullet, and when beans were fit to bake. She was one of those higher sphere beings, who could do no wrong ; who could not endure those who did. How I did spark Hexa I Deacon Brightwater heard that I had wealth, and he was willing. He'd go to bed early. He'd play snore so Hexa and I would hurry up. Mrs. Deacon Bright- water went to sleep, too. She crawled in beside the deacon — front side. Their bedroom door was always shut by particular request of Hexa. She knew why it should be closed. I used to hear a footfall on the bedroom floor. I mis- trusted Hexa's mother used to watch at the key-hole. She could see where Hexa and I sat to squeeze each other's hands, eat candy, and taste of each other's lips. I didn't like to 114 ''Brick " ajul the Deacons Ilexa. have lier do tliis. So one niglit, when I mis- trusted, I shpped up beside the door and jabbed a wire into tlie key-hole. It was a long wire. I heai'd somebody squeal inside. She died be- fore morning from the effects of that playful, Puritanical jab ! That wire cured the key-hole disease. It opened the old lady's eye! The deacon followed her to the grave. With true New England affection he put up a tombstone, on which was — Ilic jacket Iloxa's Mother, Orphan child without a brother. She Avent hcnco with a single eye, &c., And left I single to go forth I Tears cannot restore her, Therefore I weep ! As I pile sod o'er her All in a heap. The deacon grow pale, all except his nosic. That wouldn't pale. It was in better spirits. The deacon married a nigger lacly from the ^^BricW and the DeacorCs Ilexa. 115 cotton country, and was happier than ever. Then Hexa and I had it all our way. We'd sit in the parlor, I cross-legged, Hexa with one foot under her, like a duck. She was strong minded. She wanted heaps of hugging, and you bet I was old industry at that business. She used to begin our Sunday night devotion by singing — "Ann me with jealous care! " I used to arm her, every time ! She liked it. Then she would read a chapter about how tho waste places should be made glad. I used to make her waist places glad, lots, till my arms got so tired I couldn't. Then she'd pillow her head on my manly chest, and I'd pillow my head on her manly chest. And we agreed that all I had should be hern, and all she had should be mine. She thought mine was more than hem, but it wan't. Her dad was rich. I used to help her weed onions. That was hei 116 ^^BricJc " and the Deacon^ s Iltwa. strong game. She'd snatch an onion bed bald- headed in four minutes. She never missed a weed. She knew clover from onions just as easy. When they all grew in one clump, she'd dissect them quicker than a cat could lick her ear. I've Been her snatch for a handful of weeds right in among tlie onions, and never faze an un ! The old deacon said once, as I stood in the barn hold- ing a sheep for him to shear, that there was a consolation in affliction, for he had buried six wives and felt that each one was a stepping-stone over the river to glory. lie paused his shearing, looked skywai'd up alongside a black bottle he carried in a side pocket, and resumed his clip- ping. I saw by his nose that he was aifected. I pitied him. I asked him if the river was broad. He said it was, and deep. I asked him if his stepping-stones reached, as yet, near the glory shore. He said not quite — about half way. I looked at the humpy old deacon and his bald head, and as I got sight of his new -svife, asleep ''Brick " and the Deacon's Ilexa. 117 in the sun on the wood-pile, surrounded by a swarm of admiring flies, anxious to kiss her for her mother, but too polite to touch her opened lips, I reverently thought, " Old Cocky, it will be a wonder if the nigger don't beat you and plant you first as the next step-stone." We sheared the sheep. Then we sat under the fence, and while I tied my shoe I could hear a gurgle about the deacon's mouth. I thought it was his nose preparing to blossom, but it was only cider-brandy. And we sat there and talked until the noon- hour came. We settled our marriage matters, and I was to have Hexa, if I could get her. There was a question about the dowry. The deacon wanted me to pay the funeral expenses of his last wife ; not but he was glad to get rid of her, but he found her more expensive after death than before. I refused to pay for such nonsense. He found that I was in earnest, and let up. If he hadn't, after all I'd spent for lis ^'J^rick " and the Deacons Ilcxa. Hexa, ill the wiiy of time and travel, I'd have gone for his red knob, and he knew it. By and by tlie ohi deacon fell asleep, and 1 went in to comfort ITexa. "Wo had a nice time. She was a rapid talker. I was a mere man of mnd in comparison to her. She knew she was smai't. She knew all other women were igno- rant, for she had been tanght it. I didn't love her for her love, but tor licr hate. She hated everything beyond her eyeshot. She hated some parts of New England, not because onions wouldn't grow there, but because in some places there were great, ugly Democrats, and they kept increasing. But I didn't want a woman to love me — only one who was intelligent — and so I sparked her. Our marriage-day was lixed. Being an igno- rant Western laborer, I was forced to agree to remain a servant in that household ten years, to get the hang of their notions. I had to Icju'ii to use a sickle instead of a reap- ''Brich " aiid the Deacon' 8 Ilexa. 119 iiig machine — to use psalms instead of melodies — to woik for others instead of myself. It was all right, for a while. But I couldn't love the deacon's dusky wife. Did not like her color. And when I wanted to hunt, I had to slioot straight up into the air, or down into tlie well, for fear of trespassing. And wlien I wanted to run and expand my lungs, I was plum against a stone fence in less than a minute. If I kissed Hexa on the Sabbath, I was fined for it. I was forced to drink cider-brandy, or nothing; and I was fed on onions till I sickened of them. Onions are good for two or tln-ee hundred meals, but for a steady diet, I like them not. I tried to love Ilexa ; but as soon as she found I was betrothed to her, she put on airs. She made me hew her wood, draw her water, find her in food, and pay extra for sewing on my shirt but- tons, making neckties, and all such little jobs. And I had to work hard all day carting apples from other farms for Deacon Bright- 120 ^'Brich " a7id the Deacon^ s Hexa, water to grind up into tipple cider to redden his nose. And if I Avantcd a drink of cider I had to pay for it from over-work. And I had to work to fix np the Httle garden patch — to repair his ohi mill tliat wasn't worth repaii*s. As the old deacon grows old he grows mean. As Hexa thinks she has got a fellow tight, she just everlastingly goes for him. I am the best worker ever on the place. I make the old farm, BO-called, valuable, and it is for Ilexa's interest to keep me. But she hates me — she is jealous of me — she don't try to make it pleasant for me — she quarrels with me, and says I am nothing but a great ugly brute. She scolds me till I could almost die, steals my trinkets, cuts up my clothes for rag carpets ; and whenever she goes to a tea-party, she tells folks what a mean cuss I am and what a sweet intelligent angel she is. Some day I'll quit on Hexa — we'll go through that old cider-brand}^ mill, and leave for the ^'Brick " vliero we told our love, find, in nnlicipation, combed our luiir, peeled onr potatoes, chopped onr Imsli, rocked our — • Avell, never mind— wore our old clothes, except when we had company, and waxed fat on love and sich. Tvalista's father said we might, and there again we had things bagged. We counted our calves, and weighed our pork, and sold om* veal, and churned our little mess of butter, and took cur wool to market, and ]>ut up our little preserves, and revelled in that future which is so much like an oyster — nu")re shell than meat. One day a baulky steer slung one of his back hoofs in among the old gent's waistband, and after a series of severe discomfort, the old rooster went hence in February, when we all followed with a march ! Kalista was a sensi- tive plant, measuring fifty-nine inches around afHictions, and so avc murdered the steer, and made liim into smoked beef. And at supper- ^^Brich " and Kal/kia. 143 table, and as wc lunched between the heavy courting, we chuwed tlie Ijeef, and tlius Kalista and us got Batisfaction from tlie juvenile ox who steered his foot so wickedly. Then Kalista's mother, who would not par- take of the beef, took cold in her head, and went hence. It was autumn — one of the fall months. The mother of our heart's poison — as we family-arly called Kalista — was of an inquir- ing disposition. She always asked numerous things. She asked the q^<^^ man if chickens abided in the shells of the hen-fruit she bought. She wanted to know why rounds were put in ladders crosswise instead of up and down. She wanted to know why pants were made so that a man could not take them off over liis head. She said, in her innocence, that an eclipse was caused by a nigger convention between her and the moon ! But why the moon fulled rather busted the venerable mother of our Kalista, and she nought to study it out. She read Da 144 ''Bricl-'' and Kalhfa. boll's Arithmetic, Siuids' Spelliug-book, Robinson Crusoe, and tlio L;i Crosse Pkmookat; but sho could not get lier fork into the rojison. The old lady read in an nlnnuiac tJiat on a certain night the moon would full. AVc went to soo Ivalista that night, to see if our love would full. The old lady deterniined to watch it and see how a moon fulled, and when it fulled, and what for did it full. Night Ciune, and she wrap- ped one leg of a pair ot^ red llannel drawoi*s about her head, and when all in the house was still, slio omci'ged into the sitting-room, and in her antique costume. The old lady says : ''Brick, your supper is ready!'' So we went into the pai-lor, and kissed the ho\u-s away. Yery fine supper ! The old lady took an almanac, a New York Directory, and a tallow ctmdle out on the back Btoop. She anchored in a big chair, and waited to see the moon change its clothes. Slie looked, and looked, and at laat fell asleep for a moment, ^"^ Brick " a/rid Kalista. 145 when, aa bIic said, tlie darned, tldwj v/£) and fulled^ and she didnH see it ! She was not an observing female, but fibo never lost any children. Yet, for all that, the moon worried her — her candle went out. Ka- lista was left to be her own mother, or do with- out. Kalista took grief very healthy. She wore mourning, and looked well, as she wept because the jeweller did not get her mourning-pin done in time. She ironed a new cotton handkerchief on the coflSn lid, so as to have some use of the furniture ere it was knocked down, and was ready to wedlock then. Kalista was lonesome when her authors were gone, and we should have wedded but for the looks of the thing. Then there came from the war a journeyman converter, and he offered Kalista all he had, at once. And Kalista, being a lonesome girl, said she would, and she did. And her and the good man went to the carjienter's and ordered a graveyard fence for the loved relatives, and the 7 14:6 ^^ Brick " and Kaluta, worker of wood tlirew in a cradle, and the pair wedded at once, and now Kalista is telling some other delegate that " supper is ready I " And thus another of our hopes is spilled over life's precipice, and we are left to mourn for the candy we gave unto Kalista, who has left us all alone for to die ! CIIAPTEE XYII. " Brick " Pomeroy's Evening with Arion. EION said come! The C. T. was not enveloped in mystery, but in a wliito envelope, as all complimentary tickets sliould be. Grand fancy dress ball. Academy of Music, wit, fashion, shoddy, petroleum, and pretty faces, masked batteries, and such! Did you ever ? In this ungodly settlement dwells a charmer. An angelic charmer of the gentler persuasion. She wears hoops. Nineteen springs have fallen over her head. Those dear head, which so erst has reposed on the stalwartest of all arms known in the " Brick " family. Angelic, 148 ^'-Bricl^s'''' Evening with Arion, said you ? "We went to costumer's. Mucli display of variety. I went E Plnribus Natnralibus, with mask. Angelic dressed gassy, with white skirt, pink gaiters, corn-colored white kids, red ribbon in muchness, hair widely and vehemently frizzled, and a papier-mach^ mask, which got mashed over her flice, to the great damage of the rouge, who so loves to linger about your lips, you know. We went to the ball. Man with a bear's head and a three-tailed ape took tickets. Angelic and I went in on the roll. Gorgeousness of raiment, and much elevation of head, as though we had each a breast-pin made from crude petroleum ; skirmished to the front, advanced masked battery to the stage, flanked a brace of pretty girls with No. 2 gaiters, encamped in a corner of the Arion platform, took Ange's hands in one or two of my hands, and began to grow delirious with pleas- ure. Ange is a sweet girl, and each returning vernal ripens the love which ripens on her tulips, as pitch oozeth from bark in pine tree. And "Bride's " Emnhig with Avion. 149 when it comes to sweetness tliey do say there is much in I to admire, bat it is not as yet gen- erally known. Ange has taken a working inter est, and intends developing the property even- ings, when the rose sleeps and two lips waken. But why this digression? Yes. Why this di? "We sat. There was an uproariousness of music right and left. There was an army of beauty in the galleries. Yea, there was great beauty in the gals ! And at the stage — when we went on the stage — there were boisterous boys on tlie plat- form clad in all the queerness of ridiculous- ness. That ball seemed like a living edition of Babel, or Aldricht's " Baby Bell." It seemed like a modern Congress in full blast, the more so as several innocent ducks, resembling human mourning goods, were to be seen in the scene. We sat and gazed. Ange is good on the gaze. Pretty soon a huge rooster offered his arm to the girl, and she cackleated she'd wander with him. He comes it over me very fowl! I hitched in 150 "'Brick^s'*'^ Evening with Ar ion. with a Swiss peasant girl with a milk-pail. Charming little Swiss. Asked her in Swiss, " Wilt prenode?" Answered she in Tenton, "YaJi!" Just then the brass band began to toot on, and we walked. Run against soldier. Soldier man scowled. Run against two clowns turning flip- ilaps. IS'obody hurt. This is quoted! llun against many people. Did not like the jam. No preserves in such jams ! Took a lean against private box with girl. Chinese juggler, with a tail on his head like a bovine's narrative, ad- vanced and enraptured my little diary to waltz with him. All right ; I hunted for Ange. Just then a tall duck with black leggins, red vest, steel helmet, cross-bai-s on his back, and huge gloves, waltzed by with my Ange in his arms. I waxed wroth. 'Twas not for that I went to see Arion — his ball. The music was line. The black knight, who might have been black as night, or a good fellow, waltzed well ; but, lordy, how vigorously he voted on the hugging ques- '' Brick'' s"^"^ Evening vnth Avion. 151 tion I Around tliey went, dodging, bobbing, whirling, darting, and scooting to the right and left, his arms making, in the language of the Psalmist, the waist places glad ! Didn't I wisli those arms were my arms? Then a herculean Indian grabbed my Ange and whirled her off in the forest of humanity ; his arms about her waist, and my heart growing wild with rage — for I can't dance. And that was a funny Indian. He never got tired — at least he did not pant ! Oh, dear! If this fun is not original, it is worse — aboriginal. Waltzing is sweet; but dam your hugging — when some one else is hugging your girl I That's what's the matter ! In the jam I lost Ange. I saw everybody and everything else. Dukes and dukesses, nuns and nunesses, kings and kingesses, clowns, Yankees, fat boys, Chinese, Indians, priests, warriors, horse-jockeys, pill-doctors, demijohns, photograph shops, lobsters, pirates, ballet girls, dominos, cowls, and all manner of disguises, 152 ^'Brk'k-s " Evening with Avion. but no Aiigc ! Pretty soon, in a lit of desper audum, I froze to a pink skirt ^vith a blue mask. She was dressed like a poet. AVe, arm in arm, did wouders. 1 bent my licad low, and in gentle tone and manner said: Gentle maiden, wilt thou toll This stranger ^Yhere thou dost dwell ? Give mo tliy name, and who tliou art, And rapture bring my beating heart. And thus gently she spoke : *' Nix for-stay." Good-by, poor Dutchess! I have entangled sleeves with a queen of night, whose pensive brow and heaviuix breast caused me to think, love her I must. AVe promenaded. Gently she poised her two hundred pounds avoirdupois on my arm, and now her fat lingers rested on mine. Poetry seized me, and I gently remarked : Come to the heart for you now aching — Come, raise that deep mask, that I may behold The beauty of her I round here am taking, And on thee I'll squander a fortune in gold. ^'Brich^s " Evening with Arion. 153 And Blie replied in sweet accents, " Sprachen ye Deitch?" I gave her up, and made for a gentle nymph, or nymphess, with magic wand, and the zodiac on her apron. Said I, " Wilt walk ? " and she wilted. She was fair, else she had not masked. So said I, " Oh ! sweet astrologer lady, wilt tliou tell the secrets of the stars for me ? Tell me, lovely one, if I am to wed a nymph or a nymphess ; or if I am to wander through time with no fond soul to cheer me on to high and noble deeds, and no dear hand to comb my hair when tight ? " And she said, " Mein Gott in Ilimmel ! " Yerily, verily, I believe all Arion's girls are Dutchesses. Then I made love to a neat little sewing girl, and she raised her mask to show mo a mustache and inquire for a chew of tobacco. Sold ! And the jam increased. Tried to find Ange. Might as well look for patriotism in a bounty-jumper. Tried to get a supper-room. 7* 154: ''JJrivFs^'' J:vcn{}}(/ with Anon. IV o go. Tried to uvt out. Impossible. Kovoi* saw such a ci\>wd. CouUl not liavo got another poi'son ill tlie building, unless melted and poured \\\ through a funnel. Lost my mask, my coat- tail, my Ange, and my shape. Got homo next morning all out of shape, but bound to see Arion next year, if Congress will pass a law against waltzing with my girl, or for the restoration of the angelic parting of my jammings who was lost in that crowd. I am foot-sore, sido-sore, and badly out of shape ; but a petroleum vapor bath will bring me to myselt\ and perhaps bring back mv Auire. CIIAFTEE XVIII. "Brick* Pomeroy's Experience at Niagara Falls. yj9 ^^ZffT was two o'clock when I got there. ^W/^ We went to the International, because "^•'^ I wanted to get inter the national inn. George Colbum, the best and best-looking hotelist in the Northern Confederacy, is at the International, and he is the chief among ten thousand and the one altogether now, three cheers for George. I took a room. That is, we didn't take it away, for it was too large to carry. Being in a hurry, we borrowed a candle and 166 ^'BricFs " Experience at Niagara. an umbrella and went forth in the night to look at the beauties of nature. Waterfalls are beau- ties of natui-e. Selah ! We couldn't see it. That is the Falls. The water tumbled over so fast it hid the falls. Ni- agara is a great tumbler. There ai*e several tumblers full of it. Next week they are to shut off at 7 p. M., and let on at 6 a. m., except on special occasions. This will save water, and pre- vent folks from seeing them without paying for them. This is because our colored brother fought sol "We went to om* room. The dam roaring out of the window sounded like an army of Fenians or the rushing of many waters. I couldn't sleep, so we raised the window open and looked on the beauties of nature. Bully for nate. After a while tor wo I fell. That is we fell asleep. What a fall. But not a waterfall ! I dreamed of tliee. And tliere came a rapping upon the chamber. That is to say upon the door ^'Brick^s " Experietice at Niagara. 157 thereof. It was made of glass and was full of cider, with lemon rind in it and saccharine about the edges. " Colburn's comps." We looked to see what it was, and while looking we lost sight of it. But to memory dear. 'Twas good. We sent for another. It came. Was in need of food. Had read of rinderpest in cattle, so we sent for another glass thing full of cider. It came. 'Twas good. Still hungry. Thought of " fish bait " in pork. Dare not eat pork. Sent for another glass full of cider. The curly-haired cause of the late war smiled. Drank the cider. Felt hungry. Wanted to eat, but the plague in sheep makes mutton dangerous. Couldn't think of mutton, so we tried for another glass of cider. That cider never saw apples, but it must have been made in a cider mill. It made our head think of the way the horse went round. Still hungry. Dare not try sausages. Dogs are poisoned. So we sent for another glass 158 ^'Jjru'Jcs-''A]vj)erieiice at Niagara. of that, of Col burn. AVixiitod to know why those things were thus. Still hungry. Thought of ordering lish ; but they arc poisoned with cocculus indicus. Diii*e not try fish, for fear Bome coroner would have to olliciato on account of the lish I ate. That is a scaly pun — on a small scale. It the somebody will s})ear my life, I'll never be caught on that line again by hook or by crook. I had nine of those beverages in one hour. 'Twas on account of our thirst. Thought it about time to arise and girdle our armor on. Must see Niagara. Unlike gold, the more it falls the bettor it pleases. Didn't feel hungry. Thought best to get up. Advanced out of bed. Thought I'd take bath. Bath brick ai-e good ; so thought a brick bath would be good. Changed our mind. »Sat down on edge of bed. Drew on one leg of drawers. Felt queer. The bed had changed sides. Lopped down on bed to hold it straight. Pulled on one boot. Put on vest. Tried to ''^ Bricks 8 " Fxjperience at Niagara. 159 get niglit-Bhirt off after vest was on. Night- shirt beat us. Put on hat. Put on other hoot. Tried to pull drawer on over hoot. Couldn't. Tried to put on stocking without taking boot off. Couldn't. Eested. Rang for ice-water. Tried to button paper collar to bosom studs. Collar was too short. Tried to put pants on over head, by holding our legs close together. It is an impossibility ! Tried to get suspenders under vest without taking vest off. Made our hair pull ! Singular how light hair will pull. Tried to tie necktie witli one end over our shoulder. Rang for a waiter to find other half of necktie. He found it ! Paid waiter a ten- dollar bill by mistake. Tried to brush our teeth with tooth-brush. It had grown so. It was the nail-brush ! IIow our hair pulled ! Pulled it- self. Had waiter pour ice-water on our head. Had him rub it. Felt better. Niagara Falls are good for headaches! Was four hours in dressing. Took six naps while dressing. Notli- 160 ^' Brick'' s"^"^ Experience at Niagara. ing extra about our wardrobe either. Simple and short, like a Fenian war ! Went to dinner. Lots of people went to din- ner. Was not severe on the appetite, but we Bouped, fished, boiled, baked, roasted, fricasseed, side -dished, entr^ed, relished, pastried ; was wined, raisined, appled, oranged, figged, and nutted, till our herculean frame felt as full as those head did, after the ninth cock-tail in the A.M. Then a genteel artist, of brunette cast of features, brought us a blue bowl of lemonade. A pint of water, one little piece of lemon about the size of a coat button, and a small towel. A very young towel ! Following the example of a countryman at an opposite table, we drank the lemonade, but it was too thin to be exhilarat- ing ! Guess it wan't a good day for lemonade. Reckon lemons were skirce ! !N^ever saw so much water for so little " fruit " before. Great watering-place— that is, for lem- onade. ^'Briclch''^ Exjperience at Niagara, 161 Then I went out. We went out. "Went out to look at the Falls, that is what we mean. Couldn't see the Falls in the House. Wan't a good day. At least Colbui-n said so, and he knoweth. Went out with our sweethearts to see the Falls. Wanted to walk. Wanted to rest in that way. Stepped out of the house. Turned the comer. " Ha/ce a ca/rriage ! " " !N'o, thank you. Ah, my dear, how beauti- ful this is — here is the bridge to Goat Island — no goats there now, however. See how the mighty current " — " Ilave a carriage — drive you all over " — " ]N^o, thank you. The mighty current breaks over the ledges with irresistible force to leap"— " / aoAj^ mister^ will you have a carriage — tahe you OMd your " — "i^'o, thank you!" "Leap over the awful precipice to mingle 162 ^^jBricFs " ExperUiice at Niagara. with the green waters below. Let iis walk up this way to obtain a better view of" — ^^ Drive you aU about tlie Island for two dol- lars''— " ISTo ! " " The stream as it makes the curve, and leaps along to its deatli, as 'twere." "Howbeantiful!" " Yes, indeed ! We will cross this bridore and go down to Luna Island, where we can hear " — " Try my fine garriage, Myneer. It is shust der jpest " — " !N"o — nix — nein ! " "The roar of the waters as they seem to say"- " Shust daJce you so goot all over ter falls for a toUar / " "!N"o — ^nein — nix — no — don't want to go over ter falls"— " Thunder and lightning — excuse me — but what was I going to say \ " '^ B rich'' s'''^ Experience at Niarjara. 163 "And from here, my dear, we see down the river to the Suspension Bridge — can see the channel worn by the waters, which say as plain as words " — " Want a carriage — drive you all over the Island for a dollar ! " " ]^o, thank you — ^prefer to stand right here ! '^ "Can speak that the age of the world is greater than " — "^ description of all the points of interest, only fifty cents ! " says an old man with a little book. "IS'o, thank you — ^have been here before! — ""We think for. Let us now walk up the bank, watch the rippling waves by the shore — gather a few flowers — ^listen to the roar of the wondrous falls — rest 'neath the shade of these wide-spreading branches, and drink in the beauties of this wonderful place. Ah, my dear, here is a little shady bower — the grass carpet is rich, green, and clean — ^here is a rustic bench — 104 '''' Bnckh^'' Experience at Nia(jai^a. the sun cannot find us, and side by side sitting we will — Ragged hoy — "Show yer anything you want to sec for a quarter I " '''Go ''way! Wouldn't give a quarter to see anything we want to see, unless it is you in the dim distance I Get I "Let care go dancing down the winds, and forget the busy world. Really, this is worth a long journey. And now let us go over to the tower, whose base is washed by the waters which so soon leap down into the foaming abyss, never to return. What fine walks — what beautiful drives, what " — " Want a nice carriage — drive you home for half a dollar ! " " Yes ! Just wait here till we come back ! " "Can't see it 1" " Splendid views. Across there is Canada. That is the Clifton House, the great Confederate headquarters during the late war. And do you ^'BricFe " Experience at Niagara. 165 see the crowd of red-coats over tlierc ? — tlio Queen's Own, on the Queen's legs, witli tlio Queen's arms, trembling in fear of the ' blarsted Finnygans,' and all that sort of thing, you know I " " Ah I they are preparing for evening parade. We liear the drum and fife, we almost liear " — " Ca/rriage^ sir — drive you hack for three dolla/rs ! " " The command of the ofliccrs as they Bhout " — " Carriage^ si/r — d/rive you hade for half a dolla/r ! " " Fall in, men ; fall in for evening parade I " (Touch on the slioulder.) " Have a carriage^ air — your lady looks wearied ! " "Yes — yes — yes, in God's name YES. Two carriages, six carriages — two hundred carriages — a thousand carriages — balm of ten thousand carriages, and we'll ride from Harlem to Halle- lt)i) ''7>/vVX"'6' " AV/>(VV(V/(V' at Niagara. lujiili ; iVom C'.\\^c Cod io tlu> irrcpiv&siblo con- tlict — iVoin !>i\ p. 111. to a bottlo of claret, if you'll only lot us alone. And mind you, if you i\o not, I'll spow you out oi' u\\ mouth ; I'll toiu tlioo limb tVoni limb; thy nu^thor sliall gaze in vain on tliy manL::lcHl head to disoovor traoo^^ of hor wliijvcrackinix intant ; Til malu* yom- oyos aolu\ and tho waste plaees of the earth shall tum- ble over thy short-haired head like the ]uetures of ^'iuevoli, Jis they ''— lie's ixone ! lie jumped into his earriai^o, and is oif like a country bov for a doctor, \vhip in hand, horses on the run, and oyo thrown over his shoulder as if struck with fear! And now, my ilear, we will p:o io the Her- mit's Cavo — to the cave of the winds — to the ramble— tlu\>nii;h the brand^les— to the curiosity stores — then to the International, and rest on the lawn, or sip a claret punch and be happy. Youi*s, at tho Falls, *" l^KiCK " ro:\n.K(n'. ^'-JiricWB " Ejyperience at Nia/ja/ra. 1 07 r. 8. — Tlic Bcarod driv<;r told everybody tluit w(i Jiro cnizy — mad — danp^eroufi- — and li<; offcrn to hot liin woljlcl'i '^';aln;';t a j>jrit of orcarn that wo will jump tlifj KallB I/i Johh than forty-ei^lit lionrB. CHAPTER XIX. " Brick " Pomeroy Skatetii at the Central Park. "l'(;i,(;)jj, ycMv (A' <»ur Loifl, /fjy h<;Ht, i'»rt,(;. lint, Ktron;.': Iif.;irf, H;iily to \^,(-Ai inc. {.A'kU^ rap- idly up 1,lj(; ponfj ; jui'l, i/i iryjjj;^ \m (Jodgoiin Bwiftly on tli(; ^didr;. 81io (lodged, and J dodgfj^l. Mot a lon^ rooftter with (;yo-glaHHOH, Bido-wliiftkorK, f)oh- lail (!oat, fanoy hkatoH, lirrdKjr lop^;^, and a liH]>. Wii yoliod, ''Take care, follah !'' And wo hoth 172 »' Jh'iA' " S/cdt^ down, juid tho mud did corno ii[), and at timoB tlio current of con vernation would 1)0 stopped l)y a vehement damn, an Bpat- tem'ngs of Virginia mud would he thrown half- way down a poor fellow'B throat, aB our party nirjgle filed along, through the miry clay on toward the oil region. Oil on the hralri ! IIow are you, " Peter Iv^S How to Buy OUIofui^, CMoum?" Uii^ht smart — ^glad tor to hear you aro able to ixot out ! The olty ot' Now York, or tho i^ottloinont of uuijoilline^, ditiors a wliolo mo^s from tho oil roirion. If you aiv uubeliovors aud not disposed to take st(.vk in this assertion, cvMue ye out and try it. Risk your life. Purehjise mourning for your friends, if your ticket is by tlie Camden and Amlxn- line o{ cvthns. Eat doir sausaire and benevolent h:\sh at railroad eating-lunisos ; force niuddv iuico of burnt rve and velUnv beans down your throat, and think it is eotiVv : spear chunks of fat pork as they swim n.nnid in an e;\rthen bivsin tilled with hot larvi oi^iug out of the dirty cracks thereof; sleep on mud llo^-^i-s with hoirskiu Siiddle for pillow ; drink corn whiskey so new that you CiUi actually ftH}l the corn silk in it, as, like a drunken torchlight procession, it winds down tlie throat; eat bread heavy enonah to nnike into nail hammers, and curse the country Kvause fine t^x>th combs cannot l>e purchased at tho JJcrij) to Buy OU Jjw/Ih. 1 80 gror;cric«. I bIiouW say ISew York diffored from tlie oil re^'onfl, yet it is roal fun to Hkirrnifth about here, lookiric^ for tlio main chan<^;o, and profipef'.tin^^ fV)r indlcationn of the ^m;at fluid. When T made nj) my mind to vinit tlie oil regions, a Jittle note waH H<-;nt to my Arin Jane, telling her tijat noon after dark };f;;ran to dawn on all things here below, bIjo would Ijoar t}je door-bell. The door-bell meant me. Ann Jane received the letter, and got hers^^lf up in style. There may l->e Bweetcr girls than her, but fthe will do. Oh, yefl, fihe will, and I know it. lie- gardlcfiB of taste or expense was my toilet ma/le. Like a night-blooming cereus looked I. Aetive as an ant on a hot griddle I advaneed up the steps to her brown-stone front, rang the boll, and went irj. We met the usual way — so the report said. Talk about new mown hay, sweet cream, a love of a bonnet, or a new baby, that dear Ann Jane is so much sweeter than all them, it is a wonder they existeth. 100 How to Buy Oil Land^. We sat on the sofa. Her father was a wealthy man ; but had sold short that day, and was not extensively well. Economy is a good thing. Ann Jane and I sat on the sofa. AYe turned the gas do^vni low for economy. I had on pat- ent leather boots, with red tops and yellow silk straps, rather elegant pants, and a large bunch of other clothes, with a greatness of candy in pockets. AVe talked — Ann Jane is a good con- versationer. I told her that oil was what oiled me. In childhood's balmy days aunty always gave me oil, with happiest effect, and I must have more. Ann Jane coincided. We ate up the candy, which seemed to grow weary of its perpetual sweetness, as the two lips of my stu- dent in economy rewai'ded me from time to time with the sweetest — never mind though, now. I started. With clai'ion notes the roostei*s escorted me to the cars. Like a man going to his grave, I entered cars, first looking to the priming of my life and accident insurance policy. Uow to Buy Oil Lands. 191 And such a wliole parcel of thingSr asr I had to travel with ! Peruse the list, brave volunteers of Peter ! Black bag for things, . 1 Comb for the hair, . . 1 Brush for the hair, . . 1 Shirts for the body, . raany Toothpicks for the teeth, .... several Handkerchiefs to use, . 1 Perfumery to smell, . lots Slippers for feet, . . . White vest for parties, . Patent-leather boots for style, Kid gloves for hand. Late novels, . . . . Several other things, . . Not much baggage, but considerable what there was of it. The conductors on the rail- roads kindly allowed us to ride in safety, great- ly to the disappointment of many people. We all arrived in Virginia to find the sa- cred soil thereof dotted with oil hunters. Af- ter a fine sleep on the floor, waiting for the bed to grow empty, morning broke. After breakfast, mounted on much horse, I started for oil regions. Horses in Yirginia are horses, 192 How to Buy Oil Lcuids. I know they are not oxen, for of liorns tliej have none, and their tails grow bushy. They are fast animals. Seated on top of one of them, I had no trouble in making two miles an hour toward a corn crib. Once, I actu- ally passed a yoke of old oxen, hauling a little old man, a fat old woman, a bundle of corn stalks, and jug of corn w^hiskey, on an old bob sled. Fact ! Virginia horses deserve pre- miums, for what they lack in legs they make up in ribs. Some of them have two eyes, and sometimes may see a currycomb — doubt- ful if they ever feel one, however. And the saddles! they give tender recollections which even now stir up the feelings! They don't some steal horses in Virginia as much as in other States. In fact, it would be a dan- gerous job if the pursuer happened to travel on foot. And this is my opinion of Virginia horses ! Selah. There are many things oil will buy, so we How to Buy Oil Lcmds, 193 wanted a whole mess of it. In order to make a good impression before getting on tlie back of the fleet steed, whose apt name was " Bony," so the livery delegate said, I took advantage of the crowd, and with camphor, ice, and co- logne, made myself handsome to the smell, with a flask (in which to bring back samples of oil), I '' elevated " myself to the new po- sition, and set gently forth. The horse had a gait ; a plain, austere, radical gait enough to bring a hoss-tear from his rider. Bravely 1 struck out. Through the mud of Western Virginia went I like the solitary horse- man with several other mounted roosters going up a long hill ; over the tumble in bridges ; through the tumble in bridges ; wading the very wet creeks ; sticking fast in the aflectionate mud ; past houses resembling the first efforts of a school-boy at architecture on a slate. I smelt of the mud ; tasted the water ; felt of the rocks ; soaked my handkerchief in the creek ; looked at 9 194 How to Buy Oil Lands. the houy logs of my bony lioi'sc to see if tliey were greasy from his boring the mud with half- shood hoofs ; asked man}'' men if oil did abomid there or tlioroabouts ; propounded questions to many ^vomen, and patted a considerable of Vir- ginia children on the head, and inquired for oil territory, indications and developments. At last, after the sun had concluded to retire, and after I had sullered on the top of that horse for seven horn's, and ridden, if you call it riding, eleven miles as the chap said, back to Widow Gartan's barn, I rode up to a log mansion built out-dooi-s against a big mud chimney. The liorse stopped very easy ; in fact, stopping was his be>t irait. I made friends with live doi]:s and rapped on the open door. ^ '* Come in," says a man. " Thank yon," says I. " Yes, come in," said a woman. " All ! yes, thank yon," said I. " Get out," said the man. How to Bicy OIL Lands. 195 " Get out," said the woman. The five dogs left-wheeled, and got out at a very vehement double bIow. " Good year for dogs. Nicest lot of dogs I have seen. "Right smart dogs, stranger," said the old man. "Right smart dogs," said the old woman. I took a chair, a very fine one, made of an old nail keg, and looked. If the house had one more room, there would have been two rooms in it. The man was a quaint old roost- er, well out of his pants, all around and at each end. His head was high, and his forehead so broad, that it ran clear to the nape of his neck. lie had grown clear through his hair, and was heavy on smoking native tobacco in a red clay pipe. There was more of his wife than of him, by a wheelbarrow full. He was slim. She did not slim a bit. lie was tall. She had never tailed 190 How to Buy Oil Lands. mncli. His arms were long. And it was a good thing, for he never could have hugged his wife alone, had they not been long. Her arms were short. She did not need long arms to hug him. O Nature, how kind you are in such cases ! And she had such short taper toes — ten of them all together; and there was no squeak to her footsteps as she glided about the room like a thing much of liie. When he spoke, she spoke ; when he talked, she always followed suit, playing the left bower on his right. She clinched his conversation by repeating it. She varnished his talk by endors- ing it. She walked the house and always en- dorsed what the major said. Every man in Virginia is an officer. I always salute a man as colonel in that coimtry. Other folks say "Mister." "Mister" is too thin, and folks say the man who calls other folks plain "Mister" is from Vermont ! Stretching legs before a singing fire, we had How to Buy OIL Lands. 197 the following conversation, the better half being always on hand to clinch things. " Can I get to stay here to night \ " " Reckon not, unless your boss ken stand it outside and go hungry." "JSTo corn?" " !N'ot a corn, stranger. The home guard took ray corn." " Any oil about here % " " Eight on this farm." " Ah ! how much land have you here \ " " Well, there is a right smart of land. You see I own a lot here, and my old Aunt Elizabeth, who had a boss run away with her five years ago when she was riding down to the court-house to see the sheriff who was one of the dodrottedest meanest men that ever got elected into office, which he never would have done if Bill Mason, who nm agin him, had not had a pojver of money and more friends — for Bill's father owned the tavern on the forks, and him and Tom Cowler 19S How to Bhij Oil Lands. were thick us bees ever since Hob Joncj^ had the scrimmage with Hank Jenk^; abont the olii blind mare which Hank soUl to Tom's tatlier, and which was stolen by some cussed thief the night of the law-suit between *' (tet out I'' to a red dog whicli wa^ coming in tlio door. *'Get out?" yelled the old woman, and out went the dog. "How much land did you say you had here, Colonel i " " Oh, right smart, altogether. There was five hundred acres on the Spring farm ; but the ohl man sold it olf the range to Colonel Black the spring the coloneFs wife died — thaid^s to the inchronicus disease which seemed to drive her into consumption even after the Colonel had got her three dozen bottles of Cod's liver oil in Bal- timore, whicJi I don't believe would cure a dog, and I don^t care what ailed him ; and all the neighbors say so, except Scpair Jacobs, who says 1 1 Oil) l<> linij ()'d Laiidn. 100 Ijo Ii:iick JiaH \r<)\, \\\) a hlaokbrnitJi b1jo[> wli(;n; |j(; will bIioc a liorBO ia lebs than no liino " '' y(;H, T know, I)If;k. Arirl liow many acres Jiavc joii nowT' "Oil, there Ib right nrnart of land, and J don't care to Bell it now, for John irj ofJ* lighting into the fii'niy, and me and the old wonuin hav(; all we can do to makf; a living \\{',vi',^ and havf; to work evcjry day, ex(;ej>t on(;e in a whih; W(; get a jng of the creature and jjave a re.-.t, hut Tor w]jir;h — "Get out, yoii pehky hrute," baid the old uv.m. "Get out, you nasty liound," naid tJi(; old wojnan ab bhe aimed a wofjden [)oker Ji,t a brindle dog, who wab helping himbclf to a piece of corn-bread. The dog got out! "Well, Colonel, what are the chances for find- ing oil on the property about liere \ " iJOO Row to Buy Oil Lanih\ *' Oh, riii'ht smart, I ivckoii. You soo, down on tlio bottom, loiii;" in the t^iimmor, there is the pe- eiiliarist smell, and 1 allei*s kiunved it >vas some- tiling ; and now I know it is oil, tor Bob lSpeai*s sohi his tarm on the run above here, and the men what bores it now has got two wells onto the lower lot, and Squire Barnard savs the show is jest as good on my farm as on Speai-s' tarm : and the squii*e is right powert'ul on larnin', and went to school twenty years ago, when he was a boy, and sparkin' Porothy Slawson, wliose father was killed in the row he had with Ihll Ransom, after he shot Bill's ivd heifer." ' What do you eall your land worth. Colonel ^ cash down soon as you can make out tlie papei's." "AVell, stranger, it wants a right power ot' money to get this ere land now, for nie and the old wonuiTi has got seven hundred and nineteen acres here, and as there can be put ten wells on each acre, and each well will give a hundiwl bar- rels olL oil, and as oil is worth 81^ a barrel, I am How to Buy Oil Lands. 201 figuring up how mucli me and the old woman will be worth, and if you want the farm for what it figures up for a year and a half or two years, just say the word, and me and the old woman will sell it to you for half what it's worth, and you can have the house to live in, and me and the old woman will take the dogs." " Yes, me and the old man will take the dogs, for they are right smart dogs," said the old woman. "Well, let's see, ColoneL Seven Imndred and nineteen acres ; ten wells to the acre ; seven thousand one hundred and ninety wxlls — one hundred barrels to a well — seven hundred and nineteen thousand barrels — fifteen dollars a bar- rel — makes ten million seven hundred and eighty-five thousand dollars, no cents. I'll take the property. Colonel." " Now, stranger, you figger so fast — all them fellers what figgers in their heads kinder beata me somehow — that I am fear'd you ain't right ; 9* 'ft02 Uoir to nuij Oil Ltfuh'. i\\\d Mi\"in, vou (I'uliri li:'::\»M- It l>u( \'ov otu> \vi\\\ Mild tho ImuiI is uorlh ri;';li( snmrl \\\ovo tl»:ni lli:il ; but (ho sums ihnt nu^ iwxd \\\o t>Kl \M>u\;ni ;iru:n\l tli»;;-i>r it tor nu\ boiui:; jis vou'rt> a i:i(rju\i:;or ; .muiI it' ho ti«;-ii;oi*{^ it as vou (h\ and vou Mill nuiki* it tor two vojirs, nu> juul tlu^ i>Kl wouiMU will soo iiboiit it." '* Vos, wo'll soi^ about it," said tlu' oi>nsort. *' AVoll, C'olout^l, havo vou auv of vour tii2:ur iui;- (^notioiuiv an v>hl slato, I'ovortHJ \vith ti^Minvs, han^-iui;' on a nail ilrovt^ in a j;nub\ that I oouhl look it ovor and soiOiow it oouiparos Avith niiiu>^'' " (^li, yos, n»o aiul tluM>hl wiMuan (h>n't ilo notliinj;- in tho day tinios but ti>:;i::or m>w, ami you i\^st run your t\vo ovta- this i^handiui;- mo tho slato\and sih^ how it I'omparos with yi>ur brains." 1 took tlu> slato, whioh was all ri^ht, oxoopt Ji oorutM- was i;-oni\ and found wlua-o he liad " tii^- j;,iM'od " witli a pit\'0 of st>t1 stont^ in litni o( i\ pouoil, aij follows : How to Buy OIL La/ndH. l*03 110 10 009 119 1199 15 11995 5575 08745 100 68745 68745 662.695 119 17841205 6621695 6621695 in>i How to Buy Oil lands. \\'\^ tiguiw^ woiv soniowhat '* imvliorout,'' not to 5i:n liitih, so I b:ulo tho old ooiiplo gvKHl- d:iv, uunintcxl that hoivo, and tikirniishod on to tho noxt stoppini:; plaoo. CIIAPTKlt XXil. A CjIICKKN SmT. XDAY forenoon lliere camo of!' Lo- ^7 foif; i'olicc Judge IlubbanJ, in La ^('''■^'-H (jroHB(i, another law nuit, llio partir;- iilarB of wliich are as followB: iteinhardt JfeudrickK, on the J Ylli of Septeinf^er, 1860, brought Buit against " Brick " Porneroy, to recover pay for two ro<'ifiterfi hhot by the de- fendant with a revolver, the ehickeriH belonging lo the i>laintlfr, to tlie vjilue of fifty eentB each. Througli the kindnesB of the judge the case haw Ijcon adjourned from week to week till th(i return of the defendant from an electioneering 20(> A Chicken Suit. tour in Indiana, This morning the case came otV, Ex-Mayor lion. James I. Lvndc3 being the counsel for tho prosecution, the deteiuhmt ap- pe:u'ing in his own behalt*. Tho court-room was crowded, for the idea of trying an editor for stealing or shooting cliickcns was a novelty. Tho plaintiif brought in his bill, swore to its correctness, tcstilied that he owned the chickens, that they were raised by a hen be- longing to him, that he saw the defendant shoot tliem, that he had repeatedly jisked tlio defendant to settle for them, and failing to get pay or satisfaction, he wjis compelled to bring suit, and asked for judgment of one dollar, and costs. The defendant admitted sliooting the chickens, and proved by four reliable witnesses the fol- lowing facts : In April, ISOO, the defendant owned a fast- running trick mare, ** Kitty," whicli animal was kept in a stable hired by him, and cared for by one of his employe's. Through a little A (Jhiclcen Hail. 207 hole in tlie l>arn or niahlo tlio plaintifTH hcnn would fly in and cat oats intended for tlie maro "Kitty," and on tlic; approach of any one would fly out. Jn an old barrel in the Btablc, one of the hcnn, a black one, made her ncBt, laid thiileen c^^h therein, and proceeded to raise a family. "When the hen got ready to Bet, the defendant inBtnictcd the boy who took care of his marc to go down town, purchaBO thirteen eggs of J. W. J^>}>inB<^jn of action, and that the defendant was entitled to the other nine chickens, and the plaintilf must pay the costa of the suit, amounting to seventeen dollars and thirty-seven and a half cents. r^. CIIArTEU XXIIJ Ah A Pic-Nic-isT. dj'JmP^^ a Pic-Nic-Ist I liavc reached! ^^^^ It was a calm, liot inoniin<^, about ^^^^>-^ the lialf of July, l-SOT. TJie weather was all that could be debired with forty-seven degrees plus. I may say it was in a melting mood, with several meltings over. And why not, when such is thus? Eulelia Jane said it was too hot to keep cool, and that we must go to a Pic-XIc for the benefit of the church. I asked Eulelia, if it was for the benefit of the church, wliy go forth when it was so d — readfully hot. Said Eulelia, " Don't 210 As a Flc-Mc-ist. swear," and I sweared not any. ^Iien she said it was to teach ns that hot places should be shunned. And so we went. I am much fond of them — I mean Pic-Nics. Base-ball is good for exercise, but nothing com- pared to Pic-Nic. It is a good way to have cheap amusement — and much of it — at light expense. Eulelia is a sickly plant. She needs the fresh air. Being a stout cherub, I often go out with her to get a little air. After breakfast we started for the Pic-Nic — Eulelia Jane and I. The sun was suffused with blushes, and Eulelia Jane was Beautiful as a flutterby, And none could compare With my pretty little charmer And her rich, wavy hair. I knew the sun was in love with my fi*agile pet, else why those burning glances as we passed? Eulelia Jane carried a parasol and hymn-book. The Pic-Nic was on church ac- As a Pic-Nic-ist. SU count. I was proud as the first roasting ear of this loveliness. IIow my heart and things warmed to her as we went forth. We were going to a Pic-Nic. I took along a few little things to use at the Pic-Nic. Merely a few little things that Eulelia Jane might want. There was not much, as all the men took a little something. All I had to take was Eulelia's poodle and a dog to guard it, a few eatables, and implements to be used for the Pic-Nic ; two hams, a case of crack- ers, ten loaves of bread, nine bottles of catsup, sixteen boxes of sardines, seven custard pies, a jug of cold coffee, a box of lemons, ninety-three cucumbers, a quart of pepper-sauce, a box of raisins, nuts, and candy; some cold tongue, a block of ice, some few chunks of dried beef, a basket of champagne, an axe, two hatchets, crow- bar, spade, rope ladder, a Sunday-school library of books, fifty palm-leaf fans, a pew-cushion to keep Eulelia from taking cold, two hundred feet of rope for a swing, keg of spikes, water-pails, 212 As (I PiC'Nic-ist. and other articles of bigotry and *' virtue," in- cluding a iniu'ble-top table, and fixings for an amateur base-ball game. Did I say Eulelia was lovely \ 1 essy, yessy ! She was sweeter lUau any other Avoman, and tliere was more <}i her. JSlie was an oidy child ! But she was much ! It is good to have something to lean against. So she said we would go forth to Pic-Nic. So everybody went. That is wl\y WO had a good time. It is only four niik^s to the sylvan grotto where rural felicity had secreted himself. Rural felicity ! Them is the feller ! Eulelia went iirst, and 1 followed her with the tilings. I liave been told tliat we wanted for nothing. Ihit we did. I wanteil a. liorse to aid me in totin.g things. It was a hot day, or there would have been no need of Pic-Nic. AVe walked four miles, Eulelia ahead, and I carrying and drawing the things. I']ulelia is playful. She got oif a pun at which all the A.s a J*ic-NioAHt. 313 otIicrB Brrjilod Beverely. Slio nald J wa9 f^ood at drawiiif^I I should Bay bo. So would any ono be wlio had my load. "Wo went to the top of a high hill to get a breeze I Eulelia said it would bo cooler there. That was what wo sought, and perBpirod becauBo we found it not. It was a high hill. On the brink of a precipice. There waB ono tree thoro. 'J'lio breeze, therefore, had a fair Bvv(;ef). At ton o'clock we reached the summit. Ab an activi- tost I bore good repute. Two mih^H dintant, in the woods, at the foot of the hill, was a cool spring. Being a nice, good-natured, active, little man, I was sent for water. Eulelia said 1 could go juBt as well as not. She takes pride in my agility. I did not hear the suggestion. Eulelia lifted up her voice. I heard and went. No gentleman will contradict his wife I Them other fellers said they would fix things, and I might rest by going for water. I went down the hill at the peril and danger of my lifo 1>H )^^Pu^M.^U — "\v]\:\t wn.< lofV, Aiul I \\'m\ siu']\ a i^lonj^nnt tiuio ^Mtinjj bnck. Two ]VuU t'liU o( wator — not II vlrv joko, olso why this poi'spinuiott t T ouJovihI t!\ii» rijio in tho worhK i\nd thnnkod Kulolirt tor tho ?;uno. AVhou I rot\irnod with wntor thi^y hiu\ tixinl thinjjs, Thov woiv 5^0:110^ 011 tlio ixnu^s, nnihn* the twv. Tho v^hiivt wns nv> n\vMV. Tho ioo h\y w oopin;: in tho sn!\. KuK^]i:i j^^\id it niniio it jiivni ovvUt ! Aiid sho said if tho i^v nioltixi I wouUl irx> h:U'k t'or moiv. 8:uriU'ion$ sylph ! Novor oontn\diot yonr wito! IVi^tty !k>on wo h:ul dinnor. KnU^lin si\id T could ^>t hmch Wttor tluxn any othor nnn. Tlio other loUors ^d so. Thoy ^'\t in tho shade, ^niAAliiniT t\ies, w]\iU> 1 sproj\vi tor hmoh. The niarhhvtop tj^^U^ oanio lij\!\dy. I as>kt\i ono v>t* tho i^>ntlenuM\ if ho wonhl 0}H>n the Sivnlintx? jw\d ont the K^n\ons. Ho was :\ i:^>ntK>n\an, and rentarkeii — ** V\\ siv vou in iir?t ! ** Jji a I* in Nic-'lnt. 216 If(; W.'IH a playflil f]iJ'-lc. J OjW;n(:'l tlir; HanlhicH hiif, liirrj ! 'I'll'-, folkn huid i wan a nic/; rriJU), Ko kind an'J a^r(;(;ahlr; ! W(; li.vj a fill'; »'y »nan, I had t,o (-liifjl) a t,n;c t,o adjtiiit tin; ropcH. ft wau't tlj<; dihtari':'; uj;, hiit it waH tli<^ roij^WincHH- vr;ry liard on w<;arifj^^ a|>j>an;l. At la;-,t I Wvj-A t}j<: rof>r;H. 'Jlio r^winfj; WttW too low. Jt <\{-,i.in/<-(\ on tjio ^M'oufjd. ii(;Iri^^ a /rjari of rnij:-,rjr;j and r;xi>f;rt in \.\i<: nm of* j>I(;kaxf.*, f had to ^^rij|> a trench. f'iUleh'a Hald 1 c^'juM do it qiiick<;r tiian any otficr rnan, and — no gentlornari will c/jntradict IiIh wife! J ])ick(Ml and 'Aiowi'AcA for thrco UotirH, and at laHt removed r;nou|.di roekn U> htart the hwiii!/. Wc luul a ^^ood ti/nf;. it in inrj to bwin|.^ Trend J I n^ la ^(j(j<\. My trenck waw wide and docpj tliat the lioopH rni^^ljt clear. 10ul(;lia kIjo tried it. I'onr of UH bteadied \i<-r ifjto the con- 210 ^i*' a /\K--Xic-ist, trivanoo. Wo ]>iilK\l hor baok, liko the cook to jui old mus^kot, and thou lot lior i;\>. Sho wont tlirouirU tho nil' liko a huinmin^-bird — liko a fuirv. i boii'au siui^-ini;' — " Soo I oh. soo mv tloworl " AVhoii thoro w:i> a j^oroooli I Tho limb to whioli tho ropo was ta^^tonod tailovl to koop up. It laokod baokbono I It lot down, and Kidolia wa.< tast in tho tronoh. InMni;- vorv niodost, she would allow no ono bnt n\o to holp hor out ! 1 worko^l two lunn*s onlarging tho tivnoli, and at. la^t rosouod hor. 1 wanted hor to try it aii-ain, bnt sho fc^niilod swootly. and said ono platoful was enough. Uoinu* aotivo, I had to run down hill aiul baok to tho city tor arnioa lininiour. Kulolia wanted it I didn't ask hor what I'or. It was none of my business. Husbands, obey your wives I Exorcise is g-ood. 1 had enough that day. I iTot this tlowor and that tlowor. I olindH\i As a rir^-NirAnt. 217 to tlir; top9 of trooH IIk(; a r(;fJ Hfjrilrn;] after Komethir)'.';. I wan lot flown tho [>n;cipif*,r} f>y a rojx; to hunt for oaglfjH' ncBtH. J wan Hont aflcr water, Ice, and hih^Ij tliingH, and Hoiiounly Iiurt my pantn in tlio hirdVriCBt bubincHfl. Jiut we had a deJi^djtful time. Biich a cool, plcaBarit time! Kulolia drank ho much lem- onade hIio was Bick. So J drew hor to the edge of the precipice in the little wa^'orj I }iad draf.^ged along, and let tljc ]>r(i(^7Ain fan her brow. The otherB couldn't wait, arjd they went. Eulelia wanted to Bee tlie moon rinc;. She haid it would be nice to look down and Bee it come up. So Bhe Bent me Ijome with the things, and told me to ]iurry hack for lier an Boon as I could, like a dear little man. Then she sat on the edge of the rock, her feet pointing to the hunting-grounds beyond La CroBse. In one hand she held her parasol, and in the other her book, while her pretty poodle bnoozed in her lap. 21 S As a PiC'NiC'ist. Eulclia was happy — I knew it. The sun was sinking in the West. Tlic gnats and mos- quitoes were tuning their lyres and biting Eulelia''s nose, hut she was hound to see the moon rise. Kothing like a novelty. As I iravly swore niv wav down the rockv steep, I saw a picture. It wjis Eulelia on a rock, singing — •' I M'ant to be an Angel ! " Such a day of sport ! Let all who want fuu go to a pic-nic. Agilitiously Thine, "Brick" Pomeeoy. CHAPTER XXIV. " Brick " and the School-Marms. yj ?EwUST full of them! \^^ Oh, son of mortal parents ! did you "" ever? Only think — half a regiment of school-marms on a visit to La Crosse! Who cares for business, for newspapers, for meals or lodging, wealth, playthings, or rai- ment; for are not the school-marms here on a visit to stay with and bless us three days — to tantalize us with their bright eyes, pretty faces, funny waterfalls, neat dresses, ripe lips, peachy cheeks, gentle manners — and — and — 220 ''Brick " and the School-Marnis. " Oh I want to be an angel, And with a angel stand, Or sit along with school-marms, And hold 'em by the hand ! " If we go to the post-office, tliey are there I If we go to the bank, they are there ! If we wander forth to look for local items, behold, fifteen school-marms are there! If we flj to the bluffs, on our running horse, behold, they are there, looking for roses, and posies, to hold up to their noses ! If we wander forth where there is a crowd of youngsters playing with kites, behold more than a multitude of school-marms are there, like spiders waiting to pounce on their prey ! Go where we will, there are school-marms, and nine-tenths of our citizens are going crazy. Sweethearts here residing tremble when their lovers pause to look ; married ladies look their prettiest to retain their loves; and all the beard- less boys in town are wishing they were a '• Oh ! I want to be an angel, and with a angel stand, or sit along with schoolmarms, and hold 'em by the hand!" — Page 220. v ■ j^ ''''BricW^ and the School-Marms. 221 little older ! It's the school-marms. And fom*- fifths of them are Democrats, and things of beauty are joys forever. Selah! I'd like to be a school-marm — And wouldn't I if I could ? It's you love, they love, I love, How they make us all feel good ! Oh, Father of om* Country ! Beloved Wash- ington ! we look up to that smiling face so sadly beaming, and think how much you missed by not being at La Crosse ! And the noble patriots of the revolution, with their blood-stained banners, and their elastic step, and their pretty balmo- rals Confound it, here we are on the school-marms ! And where was Clay, and Webster, and Horace Greeley, and the founders of the Roman Empire ? They lived as do we, but they saw not the sights our eyesight has this day sighted — school-marms by the multitude. The names we 222 '^Brick'^ aiid the School- Maoris . have quoted all belonged to men who have lived in history, but arc now dead ! They had friends, and they saw — such bright eyes and lips, just good enough for even the editors of the La Crosse Democrat to taste, and the prettiest mouth, and the most chai*ming na'ivcU, and the bewildering effect of Here we are, on the school-marms again ! The Constitution expressly says that taxation shall be equal — that the rights of States shall never be wrested from them — and that a people who have suffered long from evils unmentionable, shall have new unmentionables — and our white vest and well-shaved face, and a clean white handkerchief — then bring our new boots and switch-cane, that we may just step out a few moments Confound the school-marms! How can we write on politics now ? But to resume our seat at the desk. Here is a letter advising us to speak more boldly for ^' Brick'''' and live School- Mar ms. 223 repudiation. Well do we know that tlie war debt is a burden imposed for no good, but the people are willing dupes, running here, and — there goes four more school-marms, and I'd give just forty dollars in gold if that one witli tlie witching eyes and dark liair was my sweetheart, wlien I'd Wander forth by moonlig?it Alon;^ with tliat school-marm, And, golly, how I'd fight To shelter her from harm ! Now, how can a man write editorials to-day ? If we open a letter, tlicre is a school-marm with red lips, saying plain as possible, " Don't ! " And if we would make change in settling for something, there is, in the cash-box, another school-marm, with the sweetest mouth, seeming to say '^ Do." And you bet — ^no, you needn't bet — you'd lose ! And if we tear the wrapper from one of our oxoluuiiivs, bohold wo 5^00 TiotluUi;- but :i solioob Tunriu — Gay fts a butterfly, And nouo o:iu ooinparo WitJi ono little sohool-mann AVho iy\t riii'ht over there I Closo tho otVioo -shut tlio dooi*s — stop tho pivssos, opou no moro iu:uls. t'or tho sohool-m:\nus :uv horo I Lot biisinoss i^o to tho iloir^, and lot ovorvbodv hiwo a rost, that wo may gaze ou halt* a iVixiiuoT\t of iiirU, most ot' thom handsome. Oollv I Hon'i wo siiih tor tho uood ohl days, whon wo nsod to stay at\or sohool to swoop tho sohool-houso and kiss our teaohor. Onoe ♦ ♦ ♦ # ♦ ♦ ♦ remember * ♦ * Dt )i> # * pretty Jane Spelling-book * ♦ ♦ ♦ * * Dooeiuber ♦ « 4t ail * * * Ouoe ftgaiu ! Go it, bofsl So liool-iuarius ! talo 'em on the fiy! 'yjirick " and the Sclwol-MmvuH. 225 JuHt tJiink oi'it— liaJt" a regiiacut oi' liaiidHOirifl ^irlH in La (yj-oHHC — all vlmtorB — all tlic obftcrvod of all ol)H(;rv('.rn all out to (Jonvontion. How irj.'uiy a lioart will follow^ tJicrrj Ijoirifi. 'J'ljoy will be piUarH of Hirn^kri l>y day and watorfallH of iiro by nl/_dit to load our La Oohbc boyH over llio country from Ik^hjc baBC8 t^^ otlior fioldfl. " Tell Lho " Hchool-inunfj;; ;Jl arouufl you not to do it. Toll tlKjrn not to tako prinonorH tlio onoB wlio riovcr naw huch boin^^H of beauty })C- foro. Egad, bow I'd like to bo Hchool-rnarmI I'd liko to bo a Kohool -rnarrn, And with the Bcyiool-marms 8tand, With a bad boy over a barrel And a spanker in nriy hand. And wlieri the exercises were over, bow the little younkeys would run home, Binding — ** I would not live forever, I ask not to stay 10* 22f) ''Brick'' and the School-Marms. Whore an out-ot-pationoe school-marm Does tlimgs in that way!" AVouldu't it be lino to go to some of tlieso scliool-manns' temples and be set with the girls, and kept after school ! Some of tliem would witeliety-switclictj our little legs, and spank our little cai-s, and stand us on little dunce-blocks — oh, no ! " nigh over the hill-tops resounding, Come the notes of deeds begun I * Come out, Bill Jones, and take your pounding, For I saw you tickling Juha Plum.' So Bill comes out, his shirt and breeches Well shal^en by his trembling form, Andtlie school-marm larrups him with switches, Till his resting-place is awlul warm ! " You bet ! " Kow, Bill Jones, go to your seat, and keep your tingei*s away from Julia's ribs!" "Please, scliool-mann, may I go out?" "Hold your hush, what are you 'bout? TTliat ^' Brick'''' and the Hchool^MwrrriH. 227 you want to go for?" "' i'lcJiHo, ma'am, I can't tolJ." " 'J'ljcri kco]> your foot togetlicr, wliilo you Hpcll ! " We'd love 'cm — we'd take 'cm applefi, candy, bouquets, ncwspaperB witli love Btories lu, and we'd klKB them if tliey'd lot uh. Don't nay no — " Toar;h not tliy lips Kuoh scorn, for it vms made For kissinf,', lady, not for «uch contempt." And then all the other boys I wouldn't they be jealous ? Wouldn't the green one-eyed lob- sters gnash their teeth and refuse to learn their lessons ? " Ilcnce, jealousy ; thou fatal, lying fiend, Thou false seducer of our hearts, begone I " but don't take tlie school-marms, for — " I loved Ophelia (a school-marm). Forty thousand brothers could not With all their quantity of love do more ! " IIow truly did Shenstone, who being a Shen-stone, was harder tlian a lirick, say — 228 ''Brick'' and i he School- Manns. *' In OYory village markod Avith little Ppiro, KmbowiMiMl in (roos nn«l hurilly knmvn to fanio, A matron oUl, Avhoni wo school-mistress namo, AVho boastvS inuuly brati? Avitli birch to tamo." Tamiiip: is good — kxnning would bo bettor! AVo think of the past — of the little boyish days when, just for dropping; a small piece of ice down the back of Mary , our sweet- heart, so calUxl, we took a rest aci'oss the kiuvs of a scliool-niariu, niul — and — and it's a toniUn' s\d\joct! AVe can't toll the particulai*s, don't ask us to, but licrs was a stern duty, and Jill the rest of tliat day it sccnicd as if we were sitlini^ on loni:: sticks of pcppcr-candy I C'>h! gonorons warmth, lunv easy to find A something hot behind yon ! That is, if you aro bound not to mind, The indignant school-marm, mind you ! " «lnst then the roar of battle over the hill toKl of an engagement. Stonewall Jackaon rode up and slioutod — " Brick " mid tlie School- Ma/rms. 221^ ^''Dy tliundcr, ain't hIic IiaTidHornc? Bucli cyoB, Buch a kiBRablc rnoiitli, bucIi a winning look, enough to make; isviiry Bcliolar love lior, and don't I wIbIi I was a Bcliolar tliat I mIgLt — Here we arc, on tlic Bcliool-manrifl again I Wc can't write to-day — the Bpirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. There is too rnucih excite- ment in the air — too Trmcli Bcliool-marm. And only think — "Mother, I've como liomo to drink! " All the Bchool-manns are to be courted, kissed, caressed, wedded, go to houBckeeping, and, in time — read this article and say if it Ib bo or not ! None of your business — if you can't guesB, wo won't tell. And tlicy will all have lovers, and all be happy — When Uieir spanking days are over And the ferule m at rent — When the school-marms all have husbands, And — well — never mind the rest I *2;U) " JJncJc " iVhf the is'ho<>I'Manm, V\-c\{\ ^oow thov will K\'\vi>--tlu\v will rUo \\w'\\' CoiwiMUion Miul j;\> soiuowhoiv, :inil tho l^lju'os iliat Iviunv lluMU will spoak ol' thoui tor ninnv :i day. And tlu\v will in tinio votnrn to tlnnr v^Iimmi ihuios, iinvl tho ohildivn ot' tlio Stato will ho kojM w:\rni ! How l\l liko (o Ih> :\ to:\ohor. Atul with tho sv'iiool-marms gv>, FvM* hoiv juv j\i5it ft thw' mJVs-lh thov niv :i ;rood thini;-, and wo oan't liavo too muoli v>t' thoni. Thov will oxonso thij* ohn}>lor v>t* uonsouj^o, for u:irls always atli\'t \is in tliat way. AVo nuist liavo om* say, and lhov\i rathor wo'd say this than koo}> silont. Wo lovo sohool niarnis, it' t hoy aro li'ood — and n\ost ot' thoni in this OvMU\try aro. \Vo wish thoni woU-- hopo thoy will havo a ploasant visit — onjoy thoir trip--havo a jzlorions rido on tho rivor- l\avo lots ot' t'in\ all tind uwhI lovoi's, and in tinio havo " liridk " and iM Hch/foLMo/rrm. %\ 1 lot,H oi' (jliilfijoii Tor other Hclu^ol rnanrw to caro for. Ari'l nitlicr tlian liavo iljcrn fj^n-no liorrj in Jt l)0'iy Ji.nd pull our r^jirn, or i*witc}i our w;ilkr;n',, wo''l rath'-.r t})';y would, wlion ov^.r tli<;ir r.'irnf>lo Jirid vl:',it, fro horrjo jukJ 't;j^ar)lc nit/ycnrju <>\\i of tlio hufif/i of tlioir ro:.i>o':tiv'; flo^-.kH, ;j.ri'J U-Ai(;\i tljo youn;.^ to lovr; tlif; wliito folk.-'; and tlj'*. Bcljool rfiannHy u» well art doc», FI^;urativ(Jy tlilrjo, '' I'i'JCK " f'oMrjiov. CHAPTER XXV. Wisconsin School-Marm Convention. rilw^ one of the ships that sail up and )^^^^ down the national ravine, from La r^'^^ Crosse to St. Paul, went two hundi-ed school-mai'nis of both sexes, all ages and con- ditions, marital and otherwise. The doings at La Crosse had terminated in a Balling spell, Pasely played on the most be-nine of the teachei*sl The girls had been looked at and their sweethearts envied — the smart male marms had unloaded their brains — the nimphis and muggins had been filled up with ice-water and fresh air — wo had looked and longed and Wiscon/fin Miool-JIa/rm Oojvoenidon, 233 ]ofjgCie liad for all the Bchool-marmB. ''i'lic boat sqneaked and creaked from fitern to Htern — the Ijcd-bugs hastened hither and yon, anticipating a reach feast. The other pa»Ben- gerB wondered why all this was all thuB, and on we went like a toad after flies. Hock after rock was j>assed. Sloos of islands, and islands of sloos were left. We had looked here, and ''do look there," and "just look over yonder," and "then see that" for bix hours, until there was not an un tired 1 — irnb on any of the educational branches, when a business meeting for tlie purpose of developing educational points was organized. Professor Jehiel Jagboys was chosen Presi- dent, and Miss Boardie T^mnd elected Secre- tary, by a majority of two. 234 Wiscoiii^iii School-Marm Convention, Tho meeting was called to order, and " Brick '^ I'omeroy, an invited i]i;ucst, was cliosen reporter for the occasion. . Prof. Jaii;l)oys arose, steadied liinisclf by a chair, and said — " Gentlemen and lady school-marms ! We mo^'e. Onr — our — our — is onward and upwards (cheers). We move again. From point to point. AVe pass — pass — pass — pass — as we do points of interest on this big creek." " Jes so, Jehiel," said tho Secretary. "We meet. We meet here. Wo did meet here. This is a big river. We are all on it." " Hear — hear ! " by everybody. " That is to say. We are on the river to see it. " Come rest on this bosom.' And so we go home from first to last — from end to end of this matter. And now I thank you. Je- ^liiel Jagboys thanks you. This is tlie first honor of the kind I ever had. AYe will now hear reports on education." And Jehiel doubled himself down. Wisconsin JSchool-Marm Con/vention. 235 Miss Squigglc, from Squigglcville, arose. " Mr. President, I agree with you in all you have said, and more too. I have long had the same idea ! It is now thirty-two years since I hung my bonnet behind the door of a schoolus, and made of that right hand a warming-jgcm ! I'm goin' to tell my 'sperince ! You see me now — look at me. I've grown old in this ere busi- ness, but, thank God, I've never lost my patience nor my beauty! " There is two ways to eddicate the children of folks. There is one way, and there is another way, also ! I knows it ! Books ain't so much as gover'menti Gover'ment is more as books. As for me, give me fewer books and more gov- er'ment. " When bloomin' beauty hung like a topaz on my Ijrow, I was in demand on them account. Some folks want a schoolus in the woode, so they can get gads quick. Gads is good, but give me hands — and — and — and something to 236 Wisconsui School-Marm Convention. warm 'em on ! 1 never use mittens, Mr. President I There is a better way to warm hands ! "AYlien I was examined by Mr. Warmiis, he spoke of government, and I agreed with him. 1 had a powerful exammation. All the trus- tees Avas there. I have brought a diafram of the sehoolus in which I was examined, and the questions asked. " I took oif my bonnet, and we had the follow- ing dialogue : " Deacon Warmus, Trustee — ' Miss Squiggles, be you intended for a teachist ? ' "Miss Squiggles, applicant — 'If you plcixse, thank you.' "*What is your best hold?' " * Government ! always. Do you see those hand ? ' " ' Have you ever teachered any l ' " * Not much, but I have practised the rudi- ments on ten younger brats of our family ! ' Wuconsin ^c/iool-Marm Convention. 237 " ' Do you understand the rule of three ? ' " ^ I have never practised on but one at a tirne^ jjut I had the other two ready ! ' " ' Are you familiar with the tables ? ' " * I always warms 'em across my knee ! ' " ' What would be your favorite way to correct the bad youth of the school ? ' "^'11 show you!' " * Never mind ! What salary do you want ? ' "^Two dollars a month!' "I was engaged at once. Our vicinity was noted for educational facilities, as some of the best rail-splitters in the world came from our school — their energies warmed into life by that hand, Mr. President ! I wish I had a dollar, Mr. President, for every end that hand has accom- plisJied ! I'd be rich, and have a new waterfall every day, Mr. President ! " I used to enjoy teachin', till they got to makin' boys pants t'other side to ! That rather busted me ! 238 Wisconsin School-MaTin Convention. " How well I remember once when I called a boy up to receive liis regular warmin' ! He was the worstest boy in school. He grew up and got to editin' a j^aper in La Crosse ; and don't I wish I had him to warm now ? He was a rebel then, and allers will be ! " I got him all ready to warm, and, would you believe it, his folks had made his trowsers t'other side too ! That fashion beat me completely ! I never was so dumbered in my life — I couldn't punish him ! And his cousin, who 1 was to warm, too, had the same kind of trowsers, and actually laughed at me ! That was a good fash- ion for boys ! You bet ! " I don't admire wearin' that hand out beating dust out of clothes ; and I move, Mr. President, that we petition Congress to pass a law that boys' pants shall be made as they was made, for the new style is a 'fringment on our rights. I've got through and sot down, Mr. President." Mr. Miggles — J. Theophilus Miggles, instead Wisconsm School-Marm Convention. 239 of common-sense John T. Higgles — took the floor and said — "Mr. President, and other school-marms: It is with diffidence I rise. I am but a country- school-marm . I have been too devoted to educa- tion to take large schools. " I glory in schools, and every winter I teach schools. I love it. I have tried several voca- tions. I have taught singing-school, trapped for musk-rats, sold essence, worked melon-patches on shares, sold brass rings and jewler trinkets to the children, as they do South to niggers ; have kept an eel-weir, managed a horse, clerked at election, tended toll-gate, been pound-master, ex- horted, taught Grecian painting, and filled other responsible public positions, but none gave me such pleasure as teachin' a school-house ! " Gover'ment is the great thing. But it wants genius to govern. Gads is good, but they fatigue the arm, Mr. President. Duns bloks is good, but not allers big enough. There is much that is 240 Wiscoymn School-Marm Convention. good, but water is the best. I govern bj the water plan — the studies are not so dry ! I stands the scholars on their heads, and pours watei* do^^Ti their legs. Cold water in summer — hot water in winter. I thus combine pleasure with punishment ! IS^ovel and moral idea, Mr. Presi- dent. The colder the day the hotter the water. It is " The \c at erf all style ! " Some accomplish with hands — some with gads, but water is the best ! " It warms 'em to their studies, and is not so dry I I keeps a pot on the stove and boils water on pm-pose. " Gover'raent is the idea. " It ain't the teacherin' so much as the governin'. The duties of governin' school-houses is no unar- duous task. I agree with Miss Squiggles, who teaches into the next deestrict from me, that books is nothing to governin'. That pint aUei-s bothered me. There was Jake Josling — he was Wisconsin School-Marm Convention. 241 the wursterest boy in all the school. I could keep track of his books better nor his tricks. It is pleasant to board around, and to visit on terms of equality with everybody. "There was Squire Smith — he lived in fine style. His folks was so glad to have me come. They lived in a big house, and allers made it so comfortable for me. I had a bed all to myself. It was so nice. " And at Deacon Brown's I had such a good time. The Deacon was always glad to see me. He knew I was bashful at meal-times, so he let me eat with the children, and sleep with them, too ! ITothing like boarding round when you're allers welcome. " But as I was saying, govemin' a school is ticklish business. Jake Josling was the wurster- est boy I ever saw. I have, as Miss Squiggles so happily said, accomplished his end often, but to no purpose! And I have gently warmed his — as I said before — with a ferule, till the 11 242 WUcoiiBiti School-Marm Conve?iiion, object of my attention looked like a pile of rails struck by a tornado ! Feruling is good, but is hard work for the arms. Pulling hair is good, but it gets grease on the fingers. Pulling ears is good, but the fingers slip off! Settin' boys and girls together is good, but it takes too much time to watch 'em. Pouring ink on their heads is very good, Mr. President, but it wastes the ink. ' " And, then, it is such fun to have the con- fidence of your scholars; to have them put wax on your chau', red pepper in your hand- kerchief, oil in your inkstand, and fetta on the stove. I love pla^-ful children, Mr. President, better than I do the good boys and girls, for it gives us more chance to accomplish their ends ! '' I'm in favor of governin' more and booking less. I, too, ^Wth Miss Squiggles, was once dumbfounded by the discovery I made once in regard to the new style of pants. It shocked Wisconsin School-3fann Convention. 243 nie to see parents thus interfering to protect their childen in sin." The convention here adjourned for hmch, and Mr. Theophilus Higgles and Miss Squiggles went arm-in-arm aft, seated themselves on a sofa, and told of school incidents ; as how they had larruped children of the same fathers, warmed infants of the same motliers, and decided to mingle their destinies hereafter. The last we saw of this brace of teachists, Squiggles was sitting on a capstan-head, while Higgles was trotting around, pushing on a cap- stan-bar, revolving his inamorata that she might see the country ! The hot sun was beaming severely down on his uncovered knob, the sweat of perspiration exuding and trickling like lim- ber molasses dowm his neck as he pantingly toiled, while the angelic Squiggles, with chin up and waterfall throwm back, was singing — " Please, mamma — may I go and swim ? " " Yes, my deail&st daughter — 244 Wisconsin School-Marm Convention, If you'll hang your clothes on a hickory limb, And not go near the water 1 " Schoolmurfnuringly thine, "Beick" Pomeroy. CHAPTER XXVI. The Fun of Sleighing. .''^^KiUN ! Of course it's fun. or poets would ^v^ not sing, editors write, and young ^^^ people dream of sleigli-riding. What every one said was so, we thought must be so, and Saturday afternoon we tried it on. First, we engaged as handsome a young lady as there is in La Crosse. Oh perplexity! but she has captured us, sure ! Then we rented the use of a fast horse, dashing little conch- shell of a cutter, two buffalo-robes made out of red cloth and wolf-skins, pair of fm* gloves with long wrists and soft imitation mutton-fur 246 The Fu)i of Sleighing. on the outside, a smooth hairy machine to envel- op our cars in, and around we went to the snug little Gothic cottage wherein docs reside the girl who went with us. Y\m ! Of coui*se we were bound to have fun ! It was cold. Ice-cream in a hail-storm is no comparison. AVe drew up in front of tlic house. The horse was a fast one — dasn't tic him — spirited creature — had run away and killed two doctoi*s a week before ! We holloed. The girl came to the window. AYe nodded. She nodded and ran away. We waited there, shivering like a Michigan ague, our molars, cuspids, and bicuspids rattling in our head like Spanish castinets. But don't it take a girl a Ions: time to dress ? Guess not, ]\rarv Ann ! We grew tired of waiting. Horse got mad. We waited and amused ourselves with chatter- ing " Pop goes the weasel ! "* In about an hour she came out. AYe helped her into the cutter. She was all hoops — large circumferous hoops ! The Fun of Hleujldng. 247 SLo got in — occupied fivc-Bixths of the Bcat ! We crowded in edgewise like a coon-skin on a Ijarn-door, and about as comfortable I We started for tbc river, rattlety-skeeter, snowballs flying and bells jingling. Somebody said it was delicious riding on the ice. We headed that way, and up stream we went, with the wind to our back, bound for fun. Good Providence! how cold it was! A cast-iron dog in a well was nothing to it! Tried to talk I Not a bit of it ! Tried to laugh at it. Froze our face all up wapsided like the price of railroad stock ! She said her lingers were cold. We tried to get hold of them with one hand for the purpose of warm- ing them. Too cold for that, even. It rode smooth enough, but how alfired cold! Toes ached? liather think they did! And her toes, ditto! Soon her cheeks began to crack open with the frost— her lips began to chap! Had read somewhere that two-lip salve was good for suoh attacks I Thought it would bo nice to upplv a little! Got the hoi-so to **w1kvi\'* slightlv. AVe divpiKxi tlie mns over the div^h aud our tVv^t. She *' snug-god \ip " to >vanl u> ac> gout I v a> a juvonilo dovo. Wo novor had kissod hor, but thought this a good time. Wo '* whoa'd " tho hoi-so a little iuoix> — geutlv plaood our right arm around hor niutllod \viust, our lott ar'.u around hor — hor nook, low doMTi, and sho sort of loaned towaixi us I All tliis time ue weiv going up tho river at the rate of ton niiles> an hour. AVe tliought she was freezing! lleard somewhere that tif\>^tp Sivlve was an '*anei»dote" iovtJiat/ Had some along in ease of an emergency ! We got all ready — looked behind to see if any one was in sight to make ivmarks about us — lookeii ahead to see if all was ele:u* arvnmd rhe bend, and then — " Wt^ -c-k-k ! '* — but what an yneartA- ly scream/ AVe didn't kiss her just then! Xever kiiew it was so j^iuful to ai'iply the Tli/i Fun of Hle^ighm/j. 24 Balve Ixjfore! When kIjo hcraamaA, tJio hony^ jurnpryj. 8}je Icanryl };a/:k. One of our IjandH caught hatwoj'ji Jjor and the cutter Beat. We grabbed for tlje reinn — got them twlBt<;d and faBt around left boot! VnUcA with the left hand on the "gee" rein. linn against tlie bank, upBet tlie c^jhi'ijumhA coneh-fchell cutter, and ?jofJt, of us got r/at!—^'Y-y-y\it^^— how eany I The way we go out might have ?>een graceful tJiere, but it would nr^t have been in Broa^lway. It might Jiave been elegant, but we doubt it! It might liave l>een ^leliberate— ouly it wasn't! We got out of the cutter, however, quv:Jc as it v/pnet! Leing more y,- lite, we got out fir^t ! Then came the young lady, with another " We-e-^-^B-E ! '' only a little shorter! She lit on our head. Iler garments were not draj^ed, nor did they appear in fes- toons. We were under, tlie good Lord only knowB how many yard« of mixed goo50 The Fun of Sleighing. of tliick-soled shoes, white woolk^n lioso, red elasties, skirts, skeleton thing, furs, shawls, merino, and jonng lady, sadly and badly mix- ed! Tlio horse liad gone home with the cut- ter, robes, and one boot pulled oif by the i-eins! TVe were nine miles from home! We helped the girl up and smoothed down her raiment. She was mad. Says she, ''I'll tell my ma ! '' Says we, " Don't ! " Says she, '' You mean feller — upset a-purj^ose ! " We denied the soft impeaehment, but it was no use, and we started home on foot. AVell, if it icant chilly ! How our tooth ehattorod ! Our noses looked as blue as an old cent! She was mad! Ditto. She said sleighing was a humbug ! Ditto. She said sheM never go out with a ** Brick" again! We walked half a mile. The sleet was driving in our face awfully. Looked back, and saw, two miles otf, a team coming. Sat down on the ice to rest. Bundled up the girl — took oft' our Eiissian coat, sat down by Tl\je Fun of Sleighing. 251 her on the ice to keep her warm. It was rather cool where we sat ! Moved a little — didn't feel it as much. Her cheeks looked inflamed. Om- heart felt the same way! She sighed, and we sided up to her. Told her two-lip salve was good. She didn't doubt it, but it was too cold to spread well! We tried it again. We-e-^-6-E-E ! It must have been the cold that made it hurt so to apply the salve. In-doors, it's fun to use it. We sat there and waited. The team hove in sight! Drove up and stopped. It was a Norwegian with a load of wood! Good rugged place for young lady to ride, but there was no help. She got up. We tried to, and couldn't. Pants had froze fast to the ice ! Tried again — " rip ! " and how the cold air rushed in upon our spinal mem- brino! Tried again, and "rip," and more cold air. The giii took us by the hand — another " rip ! " and a piece of our French doeskin pants, about tlie size of the end of a muff, lay 95B 7%0 Fun of ^h^ujhimj. tlioiv on tho oold ioo ! \Vo coniplninod of tlio ooUl. Nonvogian >:ud it >voiild bo wjvnnor it' wo Nvoro drjnvoii^. A^rooJ with hiiu ! llolpoJ tho vounp: L'uly oliiwh on tho sh\l — binulhHl hor \ip with ovorooat and lii;-ht wood, and oanio alon^r vory ixradually, indood. Askoil Isorwoi^iau his nan\o. llo said it was Tnrnor C^voi-son I Yonng- hidy hoard tho hist son- tonoo- thonght ho nioant it— jnnipod otV with anothor " >V o o-^w-k-k I — no you don't!" Sho wouhhi't rido thoro aro any nioro ! lliivd a sloigh and drivor, and onvoh"'pod in ooUl straw and sliivoi's, and oanio into tho oity bohind two nuUos, at tho rato of a miU^ in two houi-jj. Halt' a luiU^ to oa^'h nudo ! Wo tt.vk tlio young h\dy homo, and havo not boon to SCO hor since. The doctor says her nose, one ear, both chocks, one hand, and one foot arc frost-bitten! AVo arc worse otf than that. Haven't been out of the house for a week back! We're all t'rostod, t'roni top to toe. TJt/i I^wa of SUig/d'n/j, 2ij'j Tlie horfic came liorne in Hpfj^id and fJig^UBt. He Bpilt the robes, broke tke cutter, and sprained hi» le^, BO we liave liinj to pay for. Our ride — oar iinmensely pleanant ride, has cost uu over four hundred dollars ah-ea^iy, bcBides the Iobs of a kisB, the young Wiy, and a few thousanrlH after inarriaj^e ! If we ever go out for Buch fun, some blind man will pleafie Bhoot ub. If that in Bport, we pasB ! It'o a humbug — a chimera — a delucion — a — a — a horn-BWogglement. "VVe shall never engage in it again. W you want to bleigli-ride, go it, but excuHC UB. This freezing to death for the sake of bitting by the side of a pretty girl, is all a humbug, especially wlien Sunday nights are as long as now. P. S. — A pair of fur gloves, liair thing for tlio ears, and muffler, for sale cheap. They are fine articles, but the owner has no further use for them ! CITxYPTER XXVII. Slobbering Parties — for tue IIeathex ! '^H^^ MODEST rap, rap and a half, or two ^% raps on tlie door. "^•"^ '- Come in." '' Good-morning, * Brick.' " <' Ditto, Deacon.^' " To-night we have a sociable at our house — a meeting of those who are willhig to do a little something for the beneUt of the heathen — a so- cial gathering of young and old, and we wish you to attend." ^' What's the exercise programme ? '' '' Oh ! nothiiiir out of the wav — social sociabil- Sldbbermg Parties. 255 ity — chat with the ladies — promenade with the girls — games — ^reading from a book — a little fun — contribution — refreshments, such as cold water and opening and closing the draft to the stove ! — ^good-night — home with the girls, etc." " Will attend ! " " And bring a lady ? " " And bring a lady ! " " Good-moming ! " " Ditto, Deacon ! " After supper we read Chesterfield. Then we looked through our wardi'obe for a ruffled shirt. Then we gave a barber ten cents for a dime's w^orth of facing. The next move was to eradi- cate the dust from our imported goods. This done, with trembling heart we started for the soci. We always were some on the ambition. Ac- tuated thus, we had invited the handsomest girl in La Crosse to go with us to help the heathen out of their religious panic. She was the flower of the family, and there were thirteen flowers of 25(> Slobbering Parties. them I She was handsome — dreadfully hans. She was the sweetest in the rosary — the gayest of the gay — the one altogether lovely. When we emerged outside from the sill of her father's dom- icile, and saw Blutfer, our rival, riding by with a mad look, how our heart ambition ated as she placed her pretty hand within the graceful bend of our broadcloth ! Guess not ! We went to the sociable. Everybody was there. The house was crowd- ed. Didn't know the heathen had so many friends. Our Mirilda — that's her name — was the prettiest girl there. That made us feel good. AVe were late, and the chairs, sol'iis, settees, otto- mans, stools, etc., were occupied. Mirilda must have a seat, and to get it she had to sit on tlie wood-box. Didn't like that. We stood up. The sociable began. A nasal chap read some- thing — couldn't tell what. Then commenced the chat with the ladies. Mirilda was tlie rose every one was after. Good for Mirilda, but we didn't Slohhermg Parties. 257 relish it. Every putty-head in the room was bound to monopolize her. We felt mad, and inwardly said, dam the heathen. Then we had games. There were forfeits to pay, and old Mother Wattles was the judge. She did not like us, because we did not marry her daughter. She knew we hankered after Mirilda, because we had told her in confidence, and, unable to hold so important an item alone, she had got the help of all the old gossips in the city. She was judge, as before stated, and every time a feller did any- thing she made him kiss Mirilda. Daiin the heathen. Deacon Rattler did something, and he must make a " butter bowl " with our own sweet girl. And he put his hands over his ugly face, and blindfold kissed her six several and distinct times ; right in the mouth at that ! The gray old nuisance ! To see him kissing Mirilda made us feel as a lady feels to see a jackass starciping around in a bed of pinks. 258 JSlolflwi/u/ J\irtits. Then .n little runt >vith soiiio ij^oos^o-t'iizz on his upper lip had to kiss lior ton times. Thou the sohool-inastor had to tako a trial at it, with hi^ ossence-of-ciimaiuou-soentod head ! Thou a doz- en drv-goods elerks, who Mirilda never would have let kiss her it* it wasn't for fashion, had to help tJieiuselves to bliss tVoni her rubv ware- house ! Oakx tuv: ui vruKN. At'ter a while— a verv long while, too, it eanio our turn, and we stood f/iadtu^ crtctux^ i/i j'/vutu^ the plethoric teniale judieiarv I We knew she would toll us to kiss Alirilda, ami we ileeided not to do it — ^^just out of spite I Ihit eontound her if she didn't seuteuee us to iro and avt down on oiu' knees before Miss 81imn\er, an old maid of iitty-tivo, tuid thou she was to kneel too, and wo were to kiss her twelve times bv the thermom- eter I We did it ! Miss Slimmer went at it like a dog after a rabbit, but then we do wish she'd let onions alone till afty tlie retail, as too many of them spoiled the market ! Wo kissed her good-night, and from her lips we tasted cardamom seeds, tobacco, cloves, sardines, cassia buds, lager-beer, camomile flowers, Switzer cheese, gin cocktails, liquorice root, hard 200 SlMerhuj Parff^s. cidor, swoot tlaii;, and tlio Lord only knows what olso ! All tho effects of proniiscuons kissing — for the bonoiit of tho heathen ! Fashion sanetions it ? Parn fashion ! That's all ! "Who -wants to take the girl he loves to sneh parties, Avhere every mutton-head has lieense to kiss, slobber, and niousel over lips which at no other time could he dare to touch ! It must bo pleasant for girls to bo chawed up and slobbered over by everybody in the room. It's so modest ! It looks so angelic-like ! "When womaTi's lips become public property, we quit. How sweet is the kiss tinctured up like a drug store! It looks so retiring and lady-like to see a pair of ruby lips one has a love for, sitting out like a hoi*se block ! Fashion may tolerate it, but fashion is a fool — a very foolish fool at that ! It will do to sUal kisses by nuxuilight — when sleigh-riding — when standing by the gate to say good-night; or to delicately pluck those ripe enough to fall, as you sit on a sofa with the lamp Sloybm'ing Pa/rties. iJGl turned down aH if aHlccp, one arm around tlie waist, the head earelessly resting on your bIiouI- der, and the lips just opened as heaven opcuB to let in a loved Bpirit; l>ut tliis promiseuous slobbering, with a hundred raw eyes watching and waiting for a like chance, is too inucli foi the human. Confound youu IlEATnEN-iVt J^ajctieh! CMIATTKK XXVlll. WoNUKina I. U viK KKruoinHM;:^. , of Now Vi>rk, t^ont iij^ :v o:iko .t^.^vj*' of his (hiiTuont, with tho modest iv- ^liiost to " |nitl* it, :ind soud tho bilL" A'onorablo and l*!ir-sii;htOil oainlhirv prodiioor! AVo do, and inoiv too. Your (hii;uout is a hii;* thiiiii,-. AIthoiii;-h in small oakos, it is novortho- U^ss a ooU>ssal iloiu. ^Vo triod it, FoUowiui;' tho priutod diivc'tions ^-ivou, wo iH:ido a hitlior and ap}>liod tho brush. Tho hithor was mixod in a i;'hiss dish, and in four minutos a boautit'ul hair, all shades oi' oolor, had started from tho Wonderful JIa/i/r- Reproducer. 2ih) (HhIl Wc applied Boiiic to our face, and it UnAi lour Bwif't-workiiif:^ barborn to cut down and mow away as fast aH tho beard ^'cw. Wo put a littlo oil tlio too of each boot, and in an Iiour tlicy looked bke Zonavo niUBtachcs. Wo put Honui on a (;rowbiir, and it in coven;d vvitli lofi;/, oiirly Jiair like a hullido, and in tlu; ooident woatlior it (tan l>o nnod witliout ifiittfinn. A litilo on tlio carriai^o-polo Btarted tlio liair on it like irn^HH. We droi)ped BOine on tlie Htove, and an the fire waH kindled the liair started, and tlie hotter tlui Htove became, the faster pjrew tin; iiair, till tlie Hnioll of th(! hunit hair Ixjcanni so ])Owerl'iil as to drive all IVoni tlxj room. The stove was B(;t in tlu; ])arn, and it can't be Keen now, aB tlui haii" is literally stacked n])on it. Only one a[>plica- tion. A littb) a])[)lied on a wa^on tire iian in tive days Btarted a vigorous crop, and now the wa^on can be driven over a plank-road and not jnake the least noise, bo w(;II arc the wheels cov-. ered with soft hair. Only one applictation — 264 Wonderful Hair-JReproducer. dollar a cake. We skinned a goose, put on some of the Ongiient, and in two hours the feather- grower was enveloped in hair like a squirrel, and was seen this morning trying to climb a shagbark hickory in the back-yard. A little applied to the inkstand has given it a coat of bristles, making a splendid pen-w^iper at little cost. We applied the lather to a tenpenny nail, and the nail is now the handsomest lather-brush you ever saw, with a beautiful growth of soft hair at the end of it, some five or six feet in length. Only a dollar a cake ! Applied to door stones, it does away with the use of a mat. Applied to a floor, it will cause to grow therefrom hair sufiicient for a Brussels carpet. A little of this Onguent lather was accidentally dropped on the head of our cane, which has been perfectly bald for over ten years, and immediately a thick growth of hair formed, completely covering it, compelling us to ehave the head twice a week. Only a dollar a bottle — directions thrown in. A little weak Wonderful Ilair-Iieproducer. 265 lather sprinkled over a barn makes it impervious to wind, rain, or cold. It is good to put inside of children's cradles — sprinkle on sidewalks, any- thing, where luxuriant grass is wanted for use or ornament. We put a little on the head of navi- gation, and a beautiful hair covered it. A little on the mouth of Mississippi river started hair there resembling the finest red- top grass, in which cows, sheep, pigs, hogs, snipes, woodcock, and young ducks graze with keen relish. Only a dollar a cake. Sent by mail to any address. One application will grow a luxuriant mustache for a boy. One dollar a cake. Samson used it. 12 CHAPTER XXIX. The Dickens. oz. We saw him. 'E came from Hengland ! Came hover the hocean hin two steamers, the blarsted things ! He came over to collect interest on his notes of Americans taken some years since. He said the Americans were hall Hasses, and the Dickens ! The Lord loveth whom he chasteneth. We all love whomsoever chastiseth lis. Selah. Therefore, the Dickens. We did saw him ! Great men are always fashionable. The folks The Dickens. 267 turn out to welcome great men and those they loYe. They rushed to see Lincohi's funeral. They paid to see the late prize-fight. They welcomed the Portland gag Weston, the walkist, whose pleasant fictions as to wagers, and so forth, reminds us of Dickens. The papers have told all they know about Westoit. Some of them have had special correspondents to tell us of Dickens — who he was, how he was, what he was, when he was, where he was, why he was, which he was, and how he acted while he was \ The I:Tew York papers are not particular enough. Their readers are great for gossip and raising the Dickens. We pattern after I^ew York papers and cater only to those who follow lions and flutter like tails to foreign kites. Dickens came. Then he came again. This is his second coming. We saw him land. We sat on the top of 268 The Dickens. Bunker Hill Monument and saw him come ashore. "We ran ahead of him to New York and saw him there. He came in by Communipaw, Murray Street, the Central Park, Tammany Hall, Mozart Wood pile, and down the Broadway ! He is — the Dickens. He was dressed in men's clothes — or one man's clothes at all events. They were made in England. He had hair on his head, and what he could not put there he had on his face. He wore a coat, and a penknife. He walked in from the Hub for his constitutional. He emulates Weston, only Weston beat the I)ickens. He entered the hotel by the front door. He walked very fast — made the distance, eight miles from the carriage to the hotel door, inside his — under shirt ! His boots were worn on his feet, while he wore his hat on his head ! He sells enough waste paper each day to buy a rose for his button-hole. The paper comes from those who wish him to The Dickens. 269 exhibit himself at their houses. This would make the next door and the other set of fellows feel bad ! The Dickens ! He eateth not of mustard. So does a cat! Yery unfeline not to eat mustard! He eats mutton chops and pulls wool. Selah ! He has two agents and nine body-servants. And many servants for his legs ! He says come here, and they goeth — and go there, and they Cometh ! He uses a fork. He makes 'em all fork over ! We saw him arise once. It was in the morning — ^before breakfast. This is the how of it. At half-past three o'clock a. m. he turned over and squeaked the bed to see if his agent had come in. Then he sneezed out of one nose. Then he sneezed out of the other. Then he sneezed out of both at once. Three times. He then pulled the top sheet over his right eyebrow, turned to his left wing, and slept like -a babe taking its catnip or kit nap ! 270 The Dickens. At four lie slung the sheet from his chin, turned over again and gently put liis left foot out of bed. One of his leg servants then drew on his hose. lie dresses the left foot first. This is not right, for he eats no mustard. So does a cat ! Then his garments were wafted on him, all but the rose in his button-hole. He washed his face in the basin. Used water, wet his hands before he did his foce. This is peculiarly English. Then he combed his hair by proxy, and while one of his servants was cleanins: his teeth, wrote a ten-thousand-dollar article for the Mamby Paniby Pass Book. At six O'clock he sneezed again. It was the mustard ! At seven he tasted a glass of water, and at eight poked his head out of the ^Wndow to hear an Italian boy from Dublin sing, as he trudged along between two tin pails — Clams to sell/ Fine clams to day I Clams nice and soft from Rockaway I The JDiclcms. 271 Clams to bake and clams to fry, And clams to make a clam pot-pie Oh Clams I Oh Clams I Soft clams I Tell your dads and tell your mams That I'm the boy to sell 'em clams I This little testimonial will be printed in volume two of his American !Notes, price ten pence ha'penny ! At nine he breakfasted. lie entered the dining-room by deploying from the left, striking the table in an oblique position on the extreme centre. He then caromed on a soft-boiled potato, levied on a link of fried eel, pulled an eye-winker from his left eye, camped on a hot buckwheat pancake rather syruptitiously, drove his picket into a country sausage, illustrated an edition of porter-house beef-steak with cuts, made a water-fall of a glass of milk, wrestled with it two inches higher than his cheek bone, and 372 The Dickens. downed a piece of butter and sneezed gently at tlie mustard I Dickens uses tea. He uses it for a beverage. He holds the cup even with his cheek bone, in his left hand, and dips it in with a tea- spoon. He refused to allow Butler to call on him during tea-time 1 • At ten o'clock he shoves the table from him and sits down against the wall to write. He is quite a noted writer. lie writes for fun while waiting for something to turn up. Then he looks over his tickets, gives the counterfeit ones to dead heads, writes a letter to his pub- lishers, and tries the hall for its acoustic properties. When he walks he puts one leg- before the other. The faster he walks the faster he moves his legs. But he uses no mustard ! He is commanding — orders a gin-cocktail whenever he wants one, except in Boston ! When writing he sits in a chair if con- The Dickens. 273 venient, places tlie paper before him, takes the pen in his rig] it hand, dips it occasionally in an inkstand and winks. lie always winks as he dips his pen, but nses no mustard I He is the author of several works, in which respect he resembles Brigham Young more than George Washington, who used mustard ! lie telegraphed into Boston from mid-ocean that he was sea-sick, and should leave the steamer and walk in, so an extra boat was sent out to meet him. One day when dining with Deacon Brown, of the Two-hundredth- street Church, he got off a joke which startled the Brown family. Said Mrs. Deacon Brown — "My dear Mr. Dickens, liow did you liko the sea on your trip ? " Said Charles — "I see too much of it — let us wave the sub- ject ! shun it, I pray ! " The Browns all laughed immoderately. But 12* 2Y4 The Dickens, Dickens vronld not eat their mustard ! Then Mrs. Deacon Brown asked if he was sea-sick. Then Mr. Dickens responded — " Yon bet ! Every man of sense is sea-sick. So was I. I was disgusted, and I thought of the person who atterfipted a sea voyage on the sea of Galilee, was sea-sick, disgusted, and got out and walked!" Deacon Bro"wn looked at his wife, but neither of them smiled. It was the mustard ! In person Mr. Dickens resembles his pictures quite much, but the resemblance is not so strik- ing as it was. Mr. Dickens brought a few intimate friends with him to this country, the society here being so poor, and it is now his intention to visit a few of the wealthy but honest families of J^ew York and Boston with his select party, for the purpose of giving us Americans lessons in manners, politeness, and civilization without 7nustard/ ^£^ ^w^ NEW BOOKS And New Editions Recently Published by G. W. OARLETON & CO., GEOKQE -W. OAELETON. HENET 8. ALLEN, N.B. — The Pxtblishers, upon receipt of the price in advance, will send any of the following Books by mall, postage fkee, to any part of the United States. This convenient and very safe mode may be adopted when the neighboring Book- Bellers are not supplied with the desired work. State name and address in full. Victor Hugo. LES MiSERABLES. — The Celebrated novel. One large 8vo vol- ume, paper covers, $2.00 ; . . . c-Ioth bound, $2.50 LES MISERABLES. — In the Spanish language. 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