Class _P5xr3 2 Book Copyright iN^. i9c 7^ COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 0^ 7-2?>-Z>£/ 0^ /^''^«'^*<**>-<:--^ Home Made Jingles By GRACE SORENSON First Edition 1908 DOUGLAS PRINTING CO. OMAHA, NEBR. 1^0 e uiKASY of C0NaF.£3S* fwc Cooies Mece^vjij MAP. 19 1908 XAc n. loLiSS 4 I com B. Entered according to act of Congress in the year 1908, by Grace Sorenson, in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington, D. C PROEM. 'Twas not my fault that I was born With jingles on my brain. Because I've ground some out, please don't Consider me insane. Altho' I think I would have been Unbalanced by this time, If I had not thus gained relief From their continual chime. And so, my readers, here they are, Put down in black and white, And if you like them, good and well, Or if you don't, all right. Do not complain, if in your ears. You sometimes hear them ring; — 'Tis only fair that you should share My jingles' jing-a-ling. Don't criticise the subjects which I've been obliged to use : — I had no opportunity Alore lofty ones to choose. As I was late in getting here. Not much was left for me, For greedy poets had grabbed all Good themes for poetry. But since I've done my best, I hope Some credit will be earned; — My verses are machine-made, yes But I'm the crank that's turned. I would have written brilliant prose Of highest type instead. But all my thoughts are measured by A meter in my head. d^THE JINGLES IN THIS VOLUME WERE ORIGIN- ALLY PUBLISHED IN THE OMAHA WORLD - H E RALD . CONTENTS Page Dishes and Men 11 A Lullaby 13 Modern Surgery 15 The Grandma of Today 16 A Common Type 18 An Honest Agent 20 Those Sales 23 When Papa's Sick 24 After the Ball 26 Leap Year 27 Pins 29 Too Slow For Him 30 Missionary Work 31 Rare, Indeed 33 Dancing and Churches . . 35 Exclusive 36 Liberty 37 Affinities 39 For Art's Sake 40 Bells 41 The Limit 43 They 44 The Hurry Age 45 Santa Speaks 47 A Debutante 49 Cold Storage 50 Swoopers 51 Musical Appreciation 53 Page To A Silk Petticoat 54 Winter Thoughts 55 A Daily Scene 57 Her Fate 59 Hold Ups 61 To Those Who Smoke 63 Ancestors 64 His Gift 66 A Broken Resolve 68 Up To Date 70 No Escape 71 Christmas Junk 73 Microbes 74 Curtain Calls 75 Roses and Ferns 77 Worth Seeing 79 Spiritualism 80 A Mistake 82 The Coupon Craze 83 Kissing the Bride 84 White Lies 86 A Classical Composition 88 Real Sorrow 89 A Sonnet to a Grouch 90 Early Christmas Shopping 91 Grunters 92 His Photo 94 From Mars 95 Office Furniture 97 Worry 98 One Kind of Truth 101 The Only Way 102 Which Creed? 103 The Street Car Hog 105 Suicide 106 Practical Advice 108 Economy in Living 109 Houses and Children 110 Accommodating 112 His Motive 113 Reflections 114 Page A Change of Faith 115 Dish Washing 117 Their Stupidity 119 Teddy Bears 121 An Unwelcome Visitor 123 Not Easy Street 125 Palmistry 127 Public Manners 129 The Same Old Story 131 Autumn Leaves' 133 Naming the Baby 135 Do It Now 187 Post Cards 138 Gumology 141 His Family 142 His Exhibit 143 The Value of Poverty 144 A Dishonest Grocer 146 Just the Thing 147 His Boast 149 Policy 150 Nobody Cared 152 Before Christmas 153 The Umbrella Plant 155 A Psalm of Money 156 Price Marks 158 The New Year 160 Free Advice 162 Blue Sundays 164 Knowledge 166 A Scorcher 168 A Question 169 Unmask ! 171 Brain Food 173 Transmigration of Souls 174 Affectation 176 Going, Not Gone 178 Not For Me 180 Made Over 182 If George Could Speak 183 My New Mamma 185 Vaccination 187 Fall Millinery 188 Home Made Jingles Home Made Jingles DISHES AND MEN. "I wonder if you've ever thought That dishes are hke men? If not, perhaps you'd Hke to learn Of their resemblance then. Now there are common dishes that Are plain, but good and strong, And in the kitchen or upon The pantry shelf belong, While all the more expensive ones. Decked out in flow'rs and gold. Sit proudly round the wall or in The china cabinet, bold. For family use, the common ones Must serve three meals a day, And when their work is done, they are At once all put away. And all the time the Haviland Is sitting idly there. Except on swell occasions when It's spread around with care. 12 HOME MADE JINGLES Ah, is it not with men the same? The common class must toil, While all their high-toned brothers are Afraid their hands to soil. The world looks on and praises those Who make a grand display, But those who've done the hardest work. Unknown, unseen must stay. And yet there's consolation for The poor but honest folk, — E'en Haviland and millionaires Are useless when they're broke. There's just one thing that I regret, Which is a well known fact, — They both are often kept about Long after they are cracked. HOME MADE JINGLES 13 A LULLABY. Go to sleep, my baby, Shut your little eyes, Let your papa sooth you With his weary sighs. Lose yourself in slumber Here on daddy's breast. Let this poor, old fellow Have a little rest. Mamma is away, dear, So you mustn't fight — She is playing bridge now Ev'ry other night. Chorus — Hush a bye, my baby. Chase away that scowl — For it is a prelude To another howl. There's no use in crying, Tho' few things are worse Than a bridge-fiend mother And a whiskered nurse. But when you are married Then real woe begins. Hush a bye, my baby, I'm glad you're not twins. 14 HOME MADE JINGLES When you grow to manhood, If you ever do, Then you'll understand, pet. How I feel toward you. I should like to stuff you Full of cotton so You would keep those bellows To yourself, you know, For you sound just like a Young deserted calf. I believe you've swallowed A cheap phonograph. Hurry up to sleep now. Shut those blubb'ring eyes. Mamma soon will be here Gushing o'er her prize. Then you'll wake up wider, And ril get abuse. She will crossly tell me That I am no use. If you do not fasten Those small lips real tight, I'll insert a capsule Filled with dvnamite. HOME MADE JINGLES 15 MODERN SURGERY. "What are you doing there, my son, Upon the parlor floor ? I'm very sure I never saw You still so long before." The doctor then in anger cried : "What mischief have you done? You've cut my dictionary up ! I do not like such fun." "Why, papa," said the little boy, "I'm playing I am you. And so an operation, dad, I really had to do. "This book, I played was pale because You know it's never read ; I was afraid that it Vv^as ill And some day might be dead. "And so I opened it right up, For I have heard you say That operations always bring The surgeon's greatest pay. "And, papa, tho' I didn't know Just what I was about, I saw a big appendix there And straightway cut it out." i6 HOME MADE JINGLES THE GRANDMA OF TODAY. Where have the old grandmothers gone Who used to sit all day Beside the fire and calmly knit The sunny hours away, While little children played about, Or sat upon their laps, And pulled the locks of snowy hair That fell beneath their caps? How sweet it was to listen to The stories grandma told, Which always sounded new again Altho' so very old. How good it seemed when all went wrong Tho' you had done your best. To have a big, old-fashioned cry On dearest grandma's breast. But where, oh, where have they all gone — These grandmas of the past? I've hunted for them far and wide But given up at last. HOME MADE JIXGLES 17 The grandma of today is young, At least she tries to be; — Unless you look real close at her, No gray hairs can you see. No longer now a little cap Is resting on her head ; She wears a fine Parisian hat Of latest style instead. She does not knit beside the fire For that is much too tame ; If there is any fun at hand, Dear grandma's in the game. You see her at the theater You meet her on the links, Competing with the high school girls, In all her frills and kinks. And in an auto she will tear So fast along the street, It isn't safe for boys and girls Their grandmiammas to meet. i8 HOME MADE JIXGLES A COMMOX TYPE. I've obsen-ed that many persons Like to boast of what they've done, And to tell of all their virtues And the places where they've gone, Never thinking- that they bore you. Never seeing you are tired, But just wanting their achievements To be known and then admired. It is hard to get a word in. The' 3-0U try with might and main. As to stop their tongues a moment Is to give these people pain. If you should by some mianeuver Their loud blowing once suppress, You would feel remorse and pity \Mien you savr their great distress. So it's best to sit and listen, Resignation on your face. If vrithin their friendship circle You would keep your honored place. As they have no use for persons Who their ego channels clog, And v.ho spoil v>-ith interruptions Their perpetual m.onologue. HOME MADE JINGLES 19 But I think they oug-ht to pay us For the patience that we show — We display a heroism Of the martyrs long ago. Now if we could have a penny For each time they used an "I," All our earthly needs and longings We could shortly satisfy. Like electric fans these persons Can be felt just when they blow. That is why in constant motion They both keep hot air, you know. But the former are the better, For when we have had enough, We can gently press a button And the empty blast turn off. 20 HOME MADE JINGLES AN HONEST AGENT. 'T will not take a moment of your time," The agent said, "but I Have here a preparation which I'd like So much to have you try." The busy housewife shook her head and frowned. ''You cannot interest me," She snapped in crossest tone and then she said, 'T'm cleaning house, you see." 'T beg your pardon, madam, but I'm sure You never will regret The purchase of this simple remedy — The best discovered yet. It will remove the wrinkles from your brow And make you young once more." The agent was advancing and he now Had gained the parlor door. A look of darkest anger shone upon The housewife's dried-up face. She shook her fist and said, "Look here, young man, I'll have you know your place ! Not once before in all my life have I By any one been told That I am wrinkled in the least, or that I now am growing old." HOME MADE JINGLES 21 "Again I ask your pardon, ma'am, for I Intended no offense. A man you know is often lacking in A little common sense. I don't deny that you are young, of course. This drug, I meant to say, Will keep you from becoming older than You are this very day." The housewife quickly seized the bottle and Said, "That's remarkable. And yet it hardly seems to me that it Is very reas'nable. If you can prove that what you say is true, A bottle I will buy. Please give me names of customers who can Its value testify." "Ah, that is eas'ly done," the agent said. "The fifteenth of last May, I sold two of my largest bottles at The house across the way. Yes, Mrs. Green and Mrs. Browne both said My tonic must be great. You see to give good names I am not forced To lie or hesitate." HOME MADE JINGLES The housewife cried in tones of horror then, ''Your tonic they both tried? Ah, that explains the reason why next day Both of my neighbors died." "What better testimony do you want?" The agent had grown bold. ''Did I not tell you that my tonic would Keep one from growing old?" HOME MADE JINGLES 23 THOSE SALES. I'll have to move away from town Or bankrupt I shall be, For ev'ry time there is a sale My wife holds up poor me. I used to breakfast quite in peace Before the sales began, And did not realize I was A very happy man. But now I must arise at six And help prepare the food, Or else in tears my wife will say I am no earthly good. And then at night, when I come home. There is a grand display Of ribbons, laces, waists and skirts And ev'rything that's gay. ''Just see," she says, "how much I've made; These things that were so steep I bought for just half price, my dear, And that you know is cheap. "I didn't need them — no, not all, But then you know I may, And it is right I should look out For some cold, rainy day." Alas, that day will surely come. And bargains will we own, But when it comes to cold, hard cash I fear that we'll have none. 24 HOME MADE JINGLES WHEN PAPA'S SICK. When papa's sick, it's awful at our house. I always want to run away, 'Cause I don't like to keep still as a mouse An' hear him grunt an' groan all day. An' up an' down the stairs he makes us go 'Most ev'ry second, an' then some, To bring him things, an' then he says we're slow, But we must grin an' just keep mum. When mamma's sick, she doesn't act like that; She only smiles and says she will Be all right soon, an' then my head she'll pat, An' say, "You needn't be so still." But I just think she suffers more than dad, 'Cause I have watched her thin, white face, An' I've seen wrinkles come a-creepin' sad, An' sit down in her smile's old place. My papa takes the cake for makin' noise. Gee whiz ! the way he always swears Is most enough to give such little boys As me a lot of awful scares. If he was pigs or hogs a-bein' killed He wouldn't sound a bit more worse, 'Cause, when a house is full of screams, it's filled As full as it can be, of course. HOME MADE JINGLES 25 An' papa is so 'fraid that he will die Most ev'ry time that he gets sick. It's queer the way he gets religion. My! He gets a stack of it so quick. But he ain't got the really, truly kind Like mamma's got, an' gives to me, 'Cause, when he's well, I'm pretty sure his mind Ain't got no use for piety. An' when my papa goes an' gets a chill, You ought to see how he can shake. The bedclothes look just like a little hill That's tremblin' with a bad earthquake. One day I thought I'd comfort him, an' said, "Dear papa, you will nevermore Be havin' chills, I know, when you are dead." I wonder why my papa swore ? • 26 HOME MADE JINGLES AFTER THE BALL. How wearily she climbed the stairs And sighed, "Vm almost dead ! I'm glad it's over so that I In peace can go to bed." She laid her stunning hat and gown Upon a rocking chair, And then she carefully took off Her wealth of golden hair. She left her eyebrows on a towel, And her complexion pink She let go whirling round the bowl And down the drain pipe sink. She put her glasses in their case, And, on a shelf beneath, She laid her beautiful new set Of pearly, well-kept teeth. She took her dainty slippers off And said, ''How small I feel! Most of my height I left within That wonderful French heel." And when she went to get in bed She hunted ev'rywhere, But could not find herself at all, Because she wasn't there. HOME MADE JINGLES 27 LEAP YEAR. Once more, dear maiden, yes, once more, The time for you is here, So now brace up and take new life, And greet this glad leap year. If you've been slighted in the past. The bygones all forget, Since there's an opportunity To be a Mrs. yet. Don't let this happy chance slip by. Or you will feel remorse. Go ask some man to take your hand For better or for worse. The woods are full of men who would Be happy, goodness knows, If some old girls should seek them out This leap year and propose. For they've abandoned ev'ry hope Of roping in good wives, And settled down resignedly To lonesome bach'lor lives. 28 HOME MADE JINGLES On each new crop of pretty girls They've wasted precious hours, And spent a fortune in bonbons And fragrant hothouse flowers. But after all their efforts, they Were turned out in the cold, And not to show themselves again Were very frankly told. Ah, pity these forlorn old men, Dear women who are left, For many dozen times their hearts In pieces have been cleft. They're on the bargain counter now, With prices very cheap. So pop the question and find out Why this year is called leap. HOME MADE JINGLES 29 PINS. I wonder if you've ever thought Tho' many thousand pins you've bought. Your stock is often low? And to your mind is it made clear Why all the pins soon disappear, Or don't you care to know? You say you drop them at your feet, Upon the floor or in the street, But don't you wonder why The millions of them lost each day Do not obstruct the public way And prick the passer-by? I often thought the matter o'er, But grew no wiser than before, In spite of all my pains. So I decided it was best To let such weighty matters rest With stronger, better brains. At last an article I read, In which the brilliant writer said In words that sounded well, That why all pins go from our view Before with them we are quite thro'. The reason he could tell. He said when pins are left exposed To air, they soon are decomposed And to their native form return. Now if his statement is all right Upon the weather it throws light — Why air is sharp we learn. 30 HOME MADE JINGLES TOO SLOW FOR HIM. "Fve got no use for colleges," Old Farmer Greenleaf said, *'An' I know lots about 'em, too." He slowly shook his head. ''Now my son Oscar spent four years Away back east somewhere, I cannot think just where he was. What's more I do not care. "He was real sensible when he First went away to school, But when he came back home again, He was a first-class fool, "For when I asked what he learned at The university, He said, 'Why, dad, behind my name I now can write A. B.' 'T swore at him an' said, 'That's all The cash from me you'll get. Fd think by this time you could write The whole darned alphabet.' " HOME MADE JINGLES 31 MISSIONARY WORK. Going off to foreign countries, Trying heathen souls to sav^e, Is a sacrifice that's noble, Is, of course, an act that's brave ; Or to toil in slums and fact'ries With the lowly and oppressed Is a kind of work that brings us, Of results, the very best. Yet sometimes I can't help wond'ring If these people ought to be Objects of our time and money. Taking all our charity; For the Bible emphasizes That the poor will win rewards, But the rich must be contented With their present earthly hoards. And it's true that oft the wealthy Are more wicked than the poor, For their money brings temptations Which their souls cannot endure. And their many, many idols Made of silver and of gold Will at last be found quite useless W^hen their funeral bells are tolled. 32 HOME MADE JINGLES Heaven's gate will not admit them And they'll cry out in despair, Wishing that the missionaries Of their souls had taken care. Therefore, we should not go slumming Or in foreign countries roam. Till we've given our attention To the heathen here at home. HOME MADE JINGLES 33 RARE, INDEED. St. Peter looked at him and said, ''I am surprised that you Should have the nerve to class yourself Among the chosen few. "Why have you come to heaven's gate With such a hopeful face ? Is it because you think at last I'll give you three days' grace? "There is no record by your nam.e. Of good deeds you have done — And you had ample time on earth For charity, my son. "So do not try to argue here, Nor what I've said dispute. But take this shovel on your back And quickly shoot the chute !" "But, sir," the young man bravely said, There's one thing you should know, And, when I tell you what it is. Upon my word I'll go. 34 HOME MADE JINGLES "I've been a selfish man, but this One act my soul may save — Last week, upon the car, my seat, Up to a girl I gave." ''Come in! Come in!" St. Peter cried, 'Tm glad to welcome you, For men who do such things as that Are nowadays quite few." The young man added, 'neath his breath, ''Oh, yes, indeed, they are ; I did it just because I was About to leave the car." HOME MADE JINGLES 35 DANCING AND CHURCHES. The minister who sanctions dancing In modern thought is far advancing, In spite of all the censure he receives. He knows old fogies all abhor it, That up-to-daters all adore it, Yet it has many virtues he believes. He thinks that youth should have full measure Of innocent and healthful pleasure; That dancing is a splendid exercise, And so he sees no good objection To giving both his strong protection, Altho' he's viewed by many scornful eyes. He is correct in his surmises That, if he widely advertises The fact his church each month will give a dance, The flock of sheep within his pasture Will seek the fold and seek it faster And gladly round the shepherd they will prance. He understands that very often His people have no souls to soften And they'd prefer to linger on the street. If he would not some way allure them And by his strategy secure them Attraction for the soles upon their feet. 36 HOME MADE JINGLES EXCLUSIVE. She was exclusive all her life — Exclusive as could be — But why she was nobody knew; It was a mystery. Of course, some people thought she was Aristocratic, so To climb her lofty heights they were Thro' ice all glad to go. But when they'd reach her pinnacle They'd sigh in real despair ; In spite of their great efforts, they Would find so little there. And yet they felt quite honored that They knew her after all; But it was sad to see how some At her command would crawl. But when she took the smallpox then Her friends kept far away. They knew she was exclusive and Exclusive she could stay. HOME MADE JINGLES 37 LIBERTY. It is so diff'rent at our house From what it used to be, But I ain't kickin' — not a bit, Because it just suits me. There's lots of dust upon the chairs And in the corners, too. And not a single window can You see the sunshine thro'. There are great cobwebs on the walls The spiders all have m.ade, But when the curtains are pulled down, They're hidden in the shade. And in the sink the dishes are Piled high as Gild'roy's kite, For papa only washes them 'Most ev'ry other night, As, when he comes home from his work, The beds he has to make, And then he's spendin' lots of time In learnin' how to bake. 38 HOME MADE JINGLES My face is dirty as can be, My trousers are all torn, And for two weeks, at least, I'm sure, This ragged shirt I've worn. I have the toughest boys for friends, Who swear and smoke and chew, And when I'm with the gang, you bet, I always do it, too. I used to say my prayers each night Beside my mamma's knee, But I don't say them any more. And I am glad — oh, gee ! Not long ago I was a boy Without a privilege. But now I do whate'er I please, While mamma's playin' bridge. HOME MADE JINGLES 39 AFFINITIES. Affinity is much too tame, We ought to find a better name To give this modern animal, For it's as wild as it can be And cares not for propriety And of its kind the woods are full. It has a human form, some say. But made of very comm^on clay And has no sign of soul to lose. Perhaps that's why it feels so free To take unbounded liberty In doing just what it may choose. Thro' all the country now it roams, Destroying fast the finest homes. It enters almost any place, For always it knows how to wear A harmless and a charming air. Deceiving all with subtle grace. But while it is allowed to lurk Around the home, it's deadly work Is done. And swift it bears away, Unheeding prayers and tears and sighs And laughing at heart-broken cries, Its coveted and precious prey. So men and women, it is right — Domestic animals can bite — To watch and guard your families. Beware of home made blonds so sweet And smooth-faced grandpas whom you meet. For they are oft affinities. 40 HOME MADE JINGLES FOR ART'S SAKE. In social doings she would not The slightest interest take, For she preferred to study hard And practice for art's sake. Her girlhood years all rolled away And she was twenty-one, But still she'd rather work all day Than have a bit of fun. When she was graduated from A music school back east, A good foundation then she felt She had secured, at least. "With this diploma now I can Some earnest work begin, I'll teach a while," she said, "and then I'll study in Berlin." In just a year she'd earned enough To cross the ocean blue. For art's sake, she had labored hard But still had m.uch to do. Upon the boat she met a man Whose name was Arthur White, And on the deck they used to sit And watch the stars each night. And now she still is working hard. And tho' she has to bake, And sew and wash and mend and scrub, She does it for Art's sake. HOME MADE JINGLES 41 BELLS. In early childhood days He heard the school bells ring, And he disliked to hear Their jing-a-ling-a-ling. Each week on Sabbath morn, The church bells loudly would Remind him of the fact He was not very good. In youth he took his girl Out riding in a sleigh, But, oh, those horrid bells Drove all his fun away. When wedding bells proclaimed That they were man and wife, A lot of other bells Came ringing in his life. The baby very soon Had bells upon her toys, And made her papa grow Quite frantic with the noise. He'd darkly frown each time The telephone bell rang. He could not stand to hear The street car's ugly clang. The door bell set him wild 42 HOME MADE JINGLES Each time he heard its call, For he was sure that he Despised it most of all. That anything could ring He now felt pretty sure — This thought so full of pain He hardly could endure. Each time his busy wife To do the washing chose, She'd stand beside the tub And wring and wring the clothes. And almost ev'ry week He wrung a chicken's neck. No wonder that he was Almost a nervous wreck! He later wrung his hands. For how his heart was wrung, Whene'er the praises of His lovely child were sung. The poor man feared what I Am now obliged to tell. Alas, his only child Had turned into a belle. HOME MADE JINGLES 43 THE LIMIT. No doubt, because my wife knows how To decorate the dishes now, I ought to be full of delight — Instead, I've lost my appetite. The platter is a sight to see For it is done so gaudily, And all our plates, both large and small. In colors bright adorn the wall. At first she paints the flowers gay. And then to make the patterns stay, She has to fire them all. Dear me, It really is a mystery ! But then I'm sure I wouldn't mind If to the dishes she'd confine Her art. My faith in firing shook When she announced she'd fired the cook. 44 HOME MADE JINGLES THEY. We hear about them all the time ; They're spoken of as "they," But who they are or where they live, I really cannot say. They set the fashion ev'ry year. And what they say is style The other people scramble for And put on with a smile. They always know just what to do Out in society. And if we do the same as they It is propriety. They tell us what late books are good And v/hich are bad also. And if we don't read what they do. We are behind, you know. They always spend a lot of tim.e In gossiping each day. And all the people listen and Repeat it as, "They say." Oh, is there no one brave enough To care not what they do? I'd like to see the person that Would tell them to skidoo. HOME MADE JINGLES 45 THE HURRY AGE. Why is it that the people rush about, As tho' by mad dogs chased, Afraid a minute or a second of Their time may go to waste? Down town just notice what a nervous look The passers-by all wear, And how they haven't time to stop, but pass Like rockets in the air. Each morning long before the sunlight sends Dim rays across their eyes, They feel that from their downy beds they must In greatest haste arise. Their breakfasts are put out of sight so fast They burn their mouths and tongues, And very often loud explosions crack Their tender throats and lungs. The men will then jump up and grab their hats And kiss their panting wives, I And down the street they'll tear as if they had To run to save their lives. The whole day long they'll move about like streaks Of lightning that's well greased, And even when they start for home at night, Their speed has not decreased. 46 HOME MADE JINGLES The women, when their husbands leave for work, Will churn the big dish pan, And wash and wipe the dishes just as fast As anybody can. Then puffing like steam engines, the}' will sweep And dust the living rooms ; — I'm sure electric batteries could not Alore swiftly move their brooms. The children all race ofT at once to school, Scarce taking one good breath. Arriving later at the school house, they Look almost scared to death. Then home again at noon they scamper fast And o'er each other roll. To see who'll get there first and then consume Their red-hot lunches whole. Ah, foolish hustlers, does it pay to have These daily nervous shocks? If you are sure you haven't time enough, Why don't you buy more clocks? But if you feel that you must ever move At record-breaking rates, I hope the future generations will Be born on roller skates. HOME MADE JINGLES 47 SANTA SPEAKS. At last my Christmas work is done And my vacation has begun And I can rest a bit. No wonder that I am all in And that I look so pale and thin, While here alone I sit. In madd'ning haste I have been whirled Around this whole gigantic world Within a single night. A wireless message could not beat The swiftness of my reindeers' feet O'er vales and mountains white. And now that I can think, I sigh, Was ever m.an more worked than I, Or more imposed upon? And not one word of thanks T'll get ; Instead the children soon forget How much for them I've done. The million tons of mail I've read Have made me wish that I was dead Instead of being here. That ev'ry little girl and boy Depends on me for Christmas joy, The letters all make clear. 48 HOME MADE JINGLES And some poor children wonder why On Christmas eve I pass them by And leave no gift behind, While wealthy children far and near Have never had a single fear That I their homes won't find. Ah, children, even Santa must Be domineered by an old trust Of wealthy men composed, And so he can't perform what he Should do for noble charity. And often feels disposed. Altho' I do not like the way The unions thrive and grow today, I'll not complain, because To shelve old men is nov/ the rage And how I'd hate, in my old age, The name Ex-Santa Claus. HOME MADE JINGLES 49 A DEBUTANTE. 'T soon shall be a debutante," The pretty maiden sighed, While glancing in the mirror with A feeling of real pride. "I've been away to school a year And traveled far abroad. Of knowledge, I've a smattering — Enough to be a fraud. "On me, my father's spent a lot Of money, I confess ; And so, of course, I ought to be A very great success. "Think how embarrassed and downcast He'd be if I should fail. Since I've been advertised so much And offered now for sale. "My debut is an auction and The highest bidder wins, No matter what his age may be. Nor what his faults and sins. " "I hope that I'll be bought real soon. So mother, dear, can sleep, — She says that remnants nowadays Must always go so cheap." 50 HOME MADE JINGLES COLD STORAGE. I am a turkey, old and tough, Killed just five years ago. And it is well that people don't My real condition know. For if they did, they wouldn't eat A single bite of me, And then the deuce would be to pay And not the butcher — see? Altho' I look so lifeless here, Fm not a dead one yet. Because there's life enough in me Of many kinds, you bet. Cold storage is all right, no doubt, To keep us looking well ; What else it does for turkeys, why I hadn't better tell. But you can find out for yourself 'Most any time you choose — A simple little microscope Is all you have to use. But then, of course, I don't believe It really would be right For you to spoil or lessen your Thanksgiving appetite. HOME MADE JIXGLES 51 SWOOPERS. Within the theater 1*11 sit And watch the people come, And wonder who they are and wliere They all have landed from. And as I'll sit there pondering A sudden lull I'll feel, While to my nose a noisy breath Of perfumiC now will steal. And ere I've time to turn around, A rustle loud and clear, The sound waves in the theater Will carry to my ear. At once upon my vision breaks A phantom of real style — A swooper. swell and swaggering, Goes swooping down the aisle. She gives the audience much time Her loveliness to see, For swoopers are the side shov\-s which In theaters are free. 52 HOME MADE JINGLES She stands while she takes off her cloak— Her opera cloak so ^rand — And boldly flashes in our eyes The jewels on her hand. And how she hates to take her seat — To vanish from our view, For when she sits she knows that her Performance is 'most thro'. Ah, swoopers, how I pity you ! Your work in life is vain, For tho' you strive so hard for praise, How little is your gain ! We know your clothes are fine, of course, Their fashion, oh, so smart, And all agree your pretty face Is one grand work of art. But, take them from you, naught is left. In spite of all your pains. For you have advertised the fact That swoopers have no brains. HOME MADE JINGLES 53 MUSICAL APPRECIATION. She had no soul for music, but When she grew up she found To tell the truth about her soul Would quite uncultured sound. And so she went to concerts that Were very classical, Applauding all the numbers, tho' She liked them not at all. She'd often close her eyes and look As tho' her thoughts had soared ; But underneath her dreamy smile She felt just "awful bored." Sometimes she'd gently tap her foot, Or keep time with her head ; She could not keep from doing it, She hoped it would be said. And tho' the program was too deep For her to understand. When it was o'er, she'd sigh and say, "Oh, it was sim.ply grand !" But what else could she do, for all Her friends in scorn would laugh If she would tell them she preferred Her neighbor's phonograph. ^54 HOME MADE JIXGLES TO A SILK PETTICOAT. Silk petticoat, thy voice I like to hear Break on the solemn stillness of the air, When I'm in church and kneeling down in prayer, For thy proud accents are so crisp and clear. Announcing ev'ry second thou art near, Proclaiming that thy owner, plain or fair, Thy plaited ruffles can afford to wear — A privilege that's known to be quite dear. And when I hear thee rustling down the aisle, A song of praise within my heart I sing. E'en tho' thou art put on for show and style, I am aware thou art a pow'rful thing, As thou each Sunday for a little while To church, thy mistress, old or young, can bring. HOME MADE JINGLES 55 WINTER THOUGHTS. Now as the autumn days have gone And winter's cold comes creeping on, My thoughts turn from the outside charm, Where for so long they roamed at will O'er red-leaf'd woodland, vale and hill. And dwell on means of keeping warm. And sitting here, wrapped up in thought Of how much hard coal must be bought Before the spring time comes again, I can't help thinking furnaces Are very useful nuisances, — In fact they are just like some men. They're very changeable and go Whichever way the wind may blow. To me it doesn't seem just right That they must be watched constantly And tended ever carefully So they will not go out at night. I They often sm.oke and spoil the air ; Their pipes are scattered ev'rywhere Throughout the house. Their ashes lie Just where they fall in ugly heaps. To clean them up it always keeps Some thoughtful person on the fly. 56 HOME MADE JINGLES A lot of draughts they daily need To keep them going, or indeed They lose their cheerful light. How many times they have to lunch, Tho' just some poker, chips, and punch. Will make the fire within them bright. Whene'er I've seen them in the dark, I've noticed that they always spark. Their many flames make them look gay And when they get down very low, We heap hot coals on them, you know, And soon like men, they are O. K. HOME MADE JINGLES 57 A DAILY SCENE. 'I'll pay your fare," said Mrs. Jones, "I have a dime right here." ''Indeed you won't," said Mrs. Smith, "I will not let you, dear." "Oh, yes, you will," said Mrs. Jones, "In fact I'm going to. There is no reason why I should Not pay this once for you." "Ah, thank you, dear," said Mrs. Smith. "It's kind of you, I know. But not a cent to anyone Will Harry let me owe. "Upon the other hand. I will Pay for us both instead. Here ! Here ! conductor, take my dime, I'll pay for two," she said. But Mrs. Jones jumped up and cried. Quite loudly, "Don't you dare! Conductor, take my dime at once. I wish to pay her fare." 58 HOME MADE JINGLES The women held each other's hands And struggled there awhile, Until the poor conductor went Collecting down the aisle. When he was gone, said Mrs. Jones, ''We've made a scene, no doubt, But we're down town already, so Let's hurry and get out." And when they on the corner stood. They each thought, 'T declare, I'm glad I didn't have to pay A cent of street car fare." HOME MADE JINGLES 59 HER FATE. Tho' hard you try, you can't avoid, No matter what you do. The death that on some future date Is now awaiting you. I knew a woman once who was Afraid to go down town. Because she thought a runaway Might come and knock her down. She was afraid to take a ride In any kind of boat For, if she was upset, she knew Her body wouldn't float. She would not go to circuses, Altho' she liked a show, Because she thought the animals Might eat her up, you know. And when electric storms would come She'd madly run about, And close the shutters and the blinds To keep the lightning out. 6o HOME MADE JINGLES At night when she would go to bed, She'd toss about and turn. She could not go to sleep because She feared the house might burn. One day her husband realized How poky was her life, And so he bought a Paris hat And gave it to his wife. But when she saw the lovely thing She gasped and lost her breath. Alas, the feathers on the hat Had tickled her to death. HOME MADE JINGLES 6i HOLD UPS. The man who says, ''Hands up !" and then demands, "Your money or your Hfe," Must do his daring work at night and spend The sunny hours in strife. He has no peace of mind at all because He's likely to be caught, And, for committing such a crime, before The court of justice brought. Now there are other kinds of hold ups who May rob in broad daylight. But they are never forced by fear or law To vanish from our sight. Upon the other hand, they grow more bold And let all people see The great impression they can make Upon society. How many lawyers cunningl}^ defraud Their clients ev'ry day, And with their stolen property then go Undaunted on their way; And how the surgeons always charge for what They do and do not do. The hold ups ! How they cut up when they thrust Their butcher knives in you. 62 HOME MADE JINGLES And what tremendous hauls the merchants make Each time they have a sale ! The prices that they charge for hats alone Should land them all in jail. And tailors are another species of The daylight robber we Allow to make our pockets empty — but They suit us to a T. The dainty dentists put us fast asleep With gas or chloroform, And, while we're helpless there within their pow'r, Great miracles perform. We are surprised when we awake to find The teeth they've had to fill, But we are horror-stricken when the first Brings round their lengthy bill. There are a lot of other hold ups but I can't name ev'ry one, And so I'll leave the rest of them to you, Since I my part have done. But when the last great roll is called and when The devil takes his due. He'll roast a stack of daylight thieves and thugs. Dear friend, will he roast vou? HOME MADE JINGLES 63 TO THOSE WHO SMOKE. To me it is a funny sight And really quite a joke, To watch the men pour from their mouths Gigantic clouds of smoke. As on the street they pufif about, I think that their cigars Look just like little engines that Are pulling choo-choo cars. And when they stand or sit a while And still the smoke rolls up. They seem like old volcanoes that Must ev'ry day erupt. Oh, think how worried men would be And how they'd fret and fuss. If Nature had decreed that some Should be afflicted thus. Appendicitis then would be A fashion of the past. For those who had smokitis would Be carved up thick and fast. 64 HOME MADE JINGLES ANCESTORS. How much some persons like to talk About their family trees ! With lots of them, I think it is A very bad disease. Whenever they can get a chance, They'll take the greatest pains To tell about the noble blood Which courses thro' their veins. Just count the great grandfathers who Were generals so brave. That, for the glory of their flag, Their precious lives they gave. How many cousins, uncles, aunts, Abe Lincoln must have had ; His poor relations, no doubt, made Him feel at times quite sad. And some can trace their ancestry Clear back to England's shore, Where on the family trees are strung Great lords and kings galore. HOME MADE JINGLES 65 It's strange the Mayflower didn't sink While sailing o'er the sea, For how it carried such a crowd Has always puzzled me. But then, perhaps, it's just as well To let our neighbors talk. And put a value on their rare And good old family stock, For if they didn't blow about Their aristocracy, From their appearance, we might judge Them common folk, you see. 66 HOME MADE JIXGLES HIS GIFT. It was the first gift he had bought His wife for many years, And so the heavy bundle made Her eyes fill up with tears. She quickly tore the wrapper ofif And found a fine array Of articles of ev'ry kind, Which made a grand display. Some shoes there were with great, high heels, And stockings, red and blue ; And there were ribbons, black and wliite, And ribbons purple, too. She found a carving knife and fork, A match safe made of brass, A lovely drawn-work doily and A silver looking-glass. Some green and yellow pillow tops Were next to some coon songs. While underneath were spools of thread And fancy curling tongs. HOME MADE JINGLES 67 And now the living room looked like A five and ten cent store, For there were dolls and books and games And postal cards galore. The wife was gravely entertaining doubts About her husband's head ; "Why did you buy such things for me ?" She very softly said. "Ah, if you do not like them, Jane, My last hopes you will wreck ; I didn't know what else to do With that old cashier's check." 68 HOME MADE JINGLES A BROKEN RESOLVE. From worldly cares the business man Thought he would steal away, And for the first time in five years He'd keep the Sabbath day. He dressed up in his Sunday best And walked to church quite fast, So he'd arrive before his good Intentions had all passed. The first part of the service pleased Him very much indeed. He liked the prayers, he liked the hymns, He liked the church's creed. And he began to wonder why He had not come before, Resolving in his heart that he Would surely come some more. But now the minister commenced The church's needs to tell. And urged and begged them one and all Its dwindling funds to swell. He mentioned that, for those who had Not yet secured their pews, A number of good seats was left From which they now could choose. HOME MADE JINGLES 69 And then he thought that all should give As much as they well could To help the missionary work, Which was so great and good. He spoke at length of many sales The church that week would hold, And said he hoped the articles ^ Would ev'ry one be sold. He also hoped the offering Would be real large that day, So that he would be able soon Some of his debts to pay. And now the plate was passed around, While jingle, jingle, jing, The dollars, dimes and nickels gave A loud, commercial ring. And when the business man threw down His piece of hard-earned cash, He felt his late and good resolve Go breaking all to smash. "Religion of this kind," he said, "Fills me with much disgust; I'm not surprised that some don't like The words 'In Ggd We Trust.' " 70 HOME MADE JINGLES UP TO DATE. She wore a jaunty sailor hat, Altho' 'twas said that she Had Hved on land for thirty years And never saw the sea. Two college hat pins held it firm, Tho' learning she had none — Not even thro' the grammar grades Or high school had she gone. An automobile veil she wore, Her freckled skin to hide, But in an automobile she Had never had a ride. In winter time she had a pair Of golf gloves, bright and gay, But when one spoke of golf to her, She said she didn't play. And tho' she did not like the men, Nor any of them know, Whene'er she walked upon the street, Beside her was a bow. HOME MADE JINGLES yi NO ESCAPE. "Real happiness/' said Mr. Grey, "To people is unknown, Until they have a house and lot Which are their very own. Now Mary, while I work today I wish that you would call Up real estate men on the 'phone, And interview them all." So just as soon as Mrs. Grey Found that she was alone, She took her station in the hall Beside the telephone. Now ev'ry man that talked to her Was very sure that he Possessed or else could shortly find Her splendid property. They took her number, as they wished To talk to her again. For real estate men, ev'ryone, Are quite loquacious men. But on the morrow just as soon As breakfast was all o'er, The 'phone began to ring as it Had never rung before. All morning long poor Mrs. Grev Was answering the bell, HOME MADE JINGLES And hearing of great bargains that The agents had to sell. The real estate men's memories She found to be no good — They had forgotten she desired A certain neighborhood. She'd told them that six thousand was The most she could afford, But higher than ten thousand had Those earthly men all soared. In spite of her great protests they Insisted they would call, Because they knew they had just what She wanted after all. And soon they came in runabouts And automobiles gay, To take out riding for a while Unwilling Mrs. Grey. Now when her husband from his work Came home at last that night, He said, "Those agents, dear, have made My life today a fright. Since morning I have changed my mind. A home I covet not, Instead from one of them I'll buy A cemetery lot. To get beyond their reach, I think This way the very best. And yet, no doubt, our very graves Those ground hogs will infest." HOME MADE JINGLES 73 CHRISTMAS JUNK. The stores have all begun to don Their holiday attire ; They're putting on attractive togs To tempt the Christmas buyer. Their windows fast are filling up With ev'ry kind of toy, — Variety enough to please 'Most any girl or boy. The counters now are loaded with Great piles of Christmas books, And they are very brilliant ones, — At least they are in looks. A lot of useless bric-a-brac, In colors bright and gay, Is waiting for the customers To carry it away. Cheap tinsel by the yard is used To catch the passer-by, For, when he's caught, the merchant knows He will proceed to buy. And oh, the gaudy gewgaws that Are ev'rywhere displayed Make all sane people wonder if By lunatics they're made. And yet we soon will join the throng And spend our precious cash. To swell the merchants' bank accounts And please our friends with trash. 74 HOME MADE JINGLES MICROBES. It is not wise to telephone, Because the doctors say That microbes, small but dan;T^erous, Within the mouthpiece stay. Library books are bad to read. As far as health's concerned, Since microbes lodge beneath the leaves. From wise men we have learned. And now the time will come no more When loving kisses please, Because we're daily told that they Are loaded with disease. Altho' we're dying for a drink Of water, cold and pure, We mustn't use a drinking cup. For it has microbes sure. If we should fail to get a seat Within a crowded car, We'd better fall than grab a strap For there the microbes are. And money, too, physicians say, Is almost death to touch. But do they practice what they preach? Well, I should say — Not much ! Now, if post-mortems should be held On doctors, we would gain The knowledge that these learned men Have microbes on the brain. HOME MADE JINGLES 75 CURTAIN CALLS. It is well to be taken away from oneself And lost in the thought of a play. To enjoy a good laugh at the jokes which are sprung Will make a blue person feel gay; And to weep when the heroine dies or is killed Is good for the young and the old, For it makes warm emotions swell up in the heart, And thaws the ice-covering cold. And it's right to applaud when one's pleased with an act, But clapping till both hands are red Always spoils the illusion that's formed in the mind By bringing to life all the dead. The black villain who killed a young woman, because She would to her husband be true, And who then stabbed himself with the same gory knife And died with his heart cut in two ; And the husband who felt the deep pangs of despair, In viewing his wife's dear remains. And who took a revolver he found on a chair And punctured his foolish, old brains, — -j^i HOME MADE JIXGLES Yes these, and more, too, will a burst of applause Bring up to their feet with a bound ; With affectionate grasp they will take hold of hands, While bowing and scraping around. There's a flurrv of handkerchiefs, wicinor v;et eves, A swallow of throat lumps within. As we keep in swift motion our hands and our feet And smile with an imbecile grin. The sad picture has vanished and gone up in smoke, The brushes are all that we see, And alas, they are mixing the black and the white And blurring our poor memory. Yet, perhaps, they're depicting a phase of real life — To some persons praise is so sweet, They would leave the bright shores of their heavenly homes A little pink taffy to eat. HOME MADE JINGLES 77 ROSES AND FERNS. One day, when on the street I chanced to pass A florist's window made of clear plate glass, I paused and, as I saw the bright display, I thought one posy I must bear away. I stepped inside and breathed the fragrant air And gazed on flowers round me ev'rywhere. My thoughts ran back to peaceful vales and hills ; I dreamed a dream of rippling brooks and rills. No doubt, the florist knew my thoughts had strayed, For not a word he said nor sound he made. And after I had mused a while, I chose A delicate, soft-blushing, little rose. He gently took it from the others and He smiled and placed it in my open hand, And with a gen'rous air, tho' very grave, A lot of dainty ferns to me he gave. One night I chanced to pass a lighted hall And heard the dreamy music of a ball, And thought I'd slyly steal a single glance At those who lightly reveled in the dance. 78 HOME MADE JINGLES A vision of rare beauty burst upon my sight; The strains of fairy music filled me with deUghl, And, as I drank the atmosphere so gay, Again my thoughts went roaming far away. But as they roamed, a lovely maiden's face Smiled up at me with innocence and grace. I felt as tho' an angel from above Had filled my heart with happiness and love. But, since I've had that maiden for my wife. Her hundred relatives have spoiled my life. My heart for liberty novv" sadly yearns — I love the rose I bought, but hate the ferns. HOME MADE JINGLES 79 WORTH SEEING. If you're a man and haven't seen A genuine, big sale, 'Twill pay you well to witness one. Yes, do it without fail. 'Tis more exciting than a game Of football you'll agree, And prizefights aren't in it, and I'm sure they'll never be. Around a little square, you'll find The ladies ten feet deep. All pushing, punching, scrambling for Some lace or cloth that's cheap. And oh, the goods, the poor, poor goods ! It's pulled and hauled and torn, Until it looks like some old rag That never can be worn. You'll see a lady dressed in silk Who usually has pride. Competing with the negro who Is standing by her side. The Irish, German, Dutch and Dane, The Swede and Russian Jew, Italians, Slavs and Indians, Are fighting with her, too. Ah, 3^es, it's sad, but also true, That right here in our stores, Each week we have a series of These international wars. 8o HOME MADE JINGLES SPIRITUALISM. Of this weird, uncanny doctrine, IMuch on both sides can be said, But I see no satisfaction In conversing with the dead. When the spirit leaves the body And attains a higher plane, Why should we desire to bring it Back to earthly woes again ? When I die and go to heaven. There awhile I'd like to stay, Without feeling that the family Wanted me to come away. If I had to be forever On the earth and heaven road, I would find a half-way station Where I'd take up my abode. So when I'd receive a message From my relatives below, I could answer their queer summons In a way that wasn't slow. And if they kept on insisting That around them I must prance, I would give them all they wanted Of a ghostly song and dance. HOME MADE JINGLES 8i I would not, like other spirits, On the chairs and tables tap. As it seems so idiotic On the furniture to rap. It is strange how many persons Who contented lives have led. Should become these constant knockers, Just as soon as they are dead. And no mediums I'd talk thro', Tho' there was no other way. When they asked me for my message I would simply say, *'Nay, nay!" I don't like such go-betweeners, Who can fall off in a trance Any time they take a notion Or are given any chance. In this age, so fast advancing. It is certainly worth while, To abandon old-time methods. And to do things up in style. So in my communication. If I am allowed a choice, I will either send a wireless. Or I'll megaphone my voice. 82 HOME MADE JINGLES A MISTAKE. A girl went to the theater To see a funny play ; 'Twas dark inside when she arrived, She could not see her way. She slowly followed down the aisle, With hesitating feet, The dark form of the usher tall Who led her to her seat. And as she went she placed her hand On what was prom'nent most — A shining round thing, smooth and hard. Which she thought was a post. But, lo, it moved ! And all at once She knew, with fear and dread, That she had placed her hand upon A poor, old man's bald head. HOME MADE JINGLES 83 THE COUPON CRAZE. We used to be a happy pair, My little wife and f ; Alas, those days of bliss and peace Have all gone swiftly by. I do not blame my wife, of course. It's not her fault at all ; But I accuse the people who Have issued coupons small. We now are eating breakfast food That tastes just like old hay, Because the firm will give a set Of Haviland away. I'm daily wearing shoes which I Can frankly say I hate, But when I wear enough of them My wife will get a plate. I smoke tobacco that is strong Enough to kill a man. For we are getting silver on That dreadful coupon plan. I used to wear a tailored suit But cannot any more. As they are giving trading stamps At a department store. I hope that soon the ministers Will issue coupons free, So when my wife to heaven goes She'll have a pass for me. 84 HOME MADE JINGLES KISSING THE BRIDE. At last the ceremony's o'er And kissing time is here. See how the smiHng people now In front of me appear. Smack, smack, smackety. smack! Smackety, smackety, smack ! I almost wish that I was not Tonight a blushing bride, For kisses coming in such heaps Are injuring my pride. Smack, smack, smackety, smack ! Smackety, smackety, smack! Why should they all feel duty bound These kisses to bestow? At other times they wouldn't cross The street for me, I know. Smack, smack, smackety, smack! Smackety, smackety, smack! I am afraid that I will have Diseases now galore, Since doctors say that kisses hold Small microbes by the score. Smack, smack, smackety, smack ! Smackety, smackety, smack! HOME MADE JINGLES 85 But maybe all the giiests will get Germ souvenirs from me, For I've had tonsilitis and My throat hurts dreadfully. Smack, smack, smackety, smack! Smackety, smackety, smack! Next time that I am married then I'll know just what to do, For this outrageous process I Will not again go thro'. Smack, smack, smackety, smack ! Smackety, smackety, smack! I'll have a basket on my arm, And I will give each guest A candy kiss, in paper wrapped. And he can do the rest. Chew, chew, chewety, chew ! Chewety, chewety, chew ! 86 HOME MADE JINGLES WHITE LIES. That a certain kind of lying Is by people known as white, Is no sign in my opinion That such falsehoods are all right. Call them red or green or purple, Call them yellow, pink or blue, Yet the fact remains unaltered That a lie is never true. If you have a home made conscience That your fibbing will excuse, Of it, you will take advantage And its hardness much abuse. Since you feel no guilty pricking Of your silent monitor. You may think you are an angel, Tho' you've told white lies galore. Ev'ry time you tell an untruth. Be it great or be it small. On your scale of soul ascension. One degree you're bound to fall. Tho' you may not pause to suffer For the fibs you tell each day, There will come a time when you must Debts to truth and honor pay. HOME MADE JINGLES 87 Have you ever seen how freckles, Each one taking its small place, Multiply and spoil the beauty Of a young and pretty face? Just so falsehoods always weaken The stability of souls. Making them a sight ungodly With their large and ugty holes. Now whenever you feel tempted To say words which are untrue, Ask yourself at once with frankness If such lying will pay you. Even tho' your lie's a white one. You will die some day and go "Where it may be black in color — Dyeing changes shades, you know. HOME MADE JINGLES A CLASSICAL COMPOSITION. Each night when he'd come home from work And from the world retreat, He'd hear the music of the girl Who lived across the street. Altho' he'd shut the windows and With cotton plug his ear, The dismal sound of "Home, Sweet Home," He still could plainly hear. He'd often grab his hat and coat And walk an hour or two. In hopes that while he was away His neighbor would get thro'. But soon he found it did no good For him at night to roam. As in the end he'd always hear ''There is no place like home." And so at last, in deep despair, He said, "It's all she knows — To give her some variety, A piece I will compose." To make it purely classical, He tried his very best ; A single note was all he wrote And then he had a rest. HOME MADE JINGLES 89 REAL SORROW. Above a tiny coffin white A pretty woman wept, For midst the satin and the flow'rs Her little darling slept. She looked around the silent room And sighed, ''Oh, nevermore Will he be peeping at me from Behind the parlor door. "I'll miss him at the table, too, Whenever I shall eat, But I will put some posies by His little empty seat. ''I cared for him so tenderly — I bathed him ev'ry day; For hours I'd watch him romp about, So happy in his play. "And now my only little one Lies cold in death's embrace, While my warm tears are falling fast Upon his pretty face. "A mother mourns her little child When it is dead, of course, But, oh, to lose a poodle dog Is ever so much worse." 90 HOME MADE JINGLES A SONNET TO A GROUCH. Away ! ye selfish, surly, sulking thing, Fault-finding, disagreeable, and sour! Back to the woods, ye pest, this very hour, Or into depths of utter darkness fling Thyself. Thy presence here no joy can bring; Thy ugly, drooping mouth is not a pow'r For good ; instead to loving eyes a show'r Of tears is oft occasioned by its sting. Bathe thy cross, crabbed lips in smiles of glee And make amends for mican remarks they've fi-ung. Yes, p-roaning, grum.bling, growling grouch, set free That frown which to thy face so long has clung. We have no room for such a scold as ye. So go ! or else forever hold thy tongue. HOME MADE JINGLES 91 EARLY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. I am glad that the people are helping- the clerks By securing their presents so soon, For, of course, such sweet thoughtfulness is very kind And to poor, tired women a boon. But all those, who, by practicing what has been preached, Are thus pushing the good movement on. Should be shovv^n that at least the merchants approve Of the unselfish work that is done. On the other hand, persons, too selfish to care Or too lazy a burden to lift And who wait till the very last moment to shop And to purchase their first Christmas gift, Are the ones who can get for their money the most. For the merchants will, rather than keep Any left-over stock for the following year. Always sell out at last very cheap. So as long as the storekeepers do what's unjust And deserving rewards v/ill not pay. Not a scruple I have about making you wise And in giving my methods away. Now I do not shop early — I haven't the cash To be buying when things are so dear. And I do not go late — before Christmas I mean — But I send bargain gifts each New Year. 92 HOME MADE JINGLES GRUNTERS. There are a lot of persons who 'Most always are complaining. They really are not ill at all But sickness ever feigning. They will appear each morning with A frown upon their forehead, With drooping lips and downcast eyes, Remarking they feel horrid. They seem to take great pleasure in Their aches and pains relating, Not knowing that they bore you or Upon your nerves they're grating. To say, "How do 3'ou do?"' to them Is almost like igniting A great big pile of rubbish by A little match just lighting. For they will tell you how they've had A touch of tonsilitis. Or else they'll very proudly say They have appendicitis. HOME MADE JINGLES 93 They always have the latest thing From typhoid down to sneezes, For there is only glory in The fashionable diseases. I cannot understand, I'm sure, What happiness they're getting By wasting so much precious time In useless, selfish fretting. If on a farm sometime they are, For health or pleasure hunting. They'll find that in the well-filled pens The pigs are also grunting. 94 HOME MADE JINGLES HIS PHOTO. I've had my picture taken, sir. And brought it down to you; To get it put in print, no doubt. That's all I have to do. I've noticed, -Mister Editor, That it is all the rage To have your picture reproduced. No matter what your age. You published just a week ag(> The photo of Miss Brown, Because she looked so pretty in Her stylish wedding gown. And only yesterday I saw A cut of Mr. Grey Appear upon your title page Because he's gone away. In fact, most of the people who Are living on our street Have had their photographs adorn Your special Sunday sheet. So here is mine! Please print it, sir. And underneath just say I've lived here all my life because I haven't gone away. HOME MADE JINGLES 95 FROM MARS. Say, people of the earth, we wish you w^ould not try To reach our happy world, revolving in the sky. We've sized you up down there, and found you second- class, So turn your telescope and let our planet pass. You waste a lot of time in your continued quest Of knowledge of old Mars, so give 3^ourselves a rest As well as us, for we are weary of your search — We'd be ashamed to be left always in the lurch ! Just spend the energy you give to vacant air In making something of your little earth down there. When you have conquered that and understand its laws, ^ To have a bit of pride, you may perhaps have cause. We have to laugh the way you always boast about Your brilliant men and their inventions daily shout. But ignorant indeed to others you appear — You're all as green as grass, compared wnth us up here. 96 HOME MADE JINGLES It takes 3'ou centuries to see what's close at hand. How 3^ou can be so bUnd, we do not understand. Electric modes of work, some changes have now made, But think how long unknown, electric action stayed ! You call us cousins, but we'll make it plain to you We have no thoughts of such relationship in view. We do not care to have your countless bloody wars Transferred from earthly shores to battlefields in stars. In this ethereal sphere, we don't propose to join Ourselves to people who are worshipers of coin. We live on higher planes than dull minds can conceive ; Idealistic life is far too grand to leave. Since you are made of clay, to earth you'll have to cling, For such clodhoppers we, in gutters, always sling. So earthy boys, let's shake and let the matter drop ; Your minds are better on next year's potato crop. HOME MADE JINGLES 97 OFFICE FURNITURE. Some persons drudge along each day, Contented with their meager pay, And think they can't improve. As tho' they were compelled to be In one small hole continually. And from it could not move. They do the work they have to do But have no prospects bright in view To give them life and hope. They spend the time they have for rest In doing what may suit them best — And usually they mope. They put their pride on office shelves, And think they cannot help themselves, While they must daily toil. They seem to think there is no chance For certain persons to advance — Their rusty brains need oil. But what's the use of wasting time On those too prosy for good rhyme — About them no one cares. They'll never rise in this great world Unless some bombs are quickly hurled Beneath their office chairs. 98 HOME MADE JINGLES WORRY. Worry, worry, worry, Worry ev'ry day. Worry till your wrinkled, Worry till your gray. Worry when the sun shines, Worry when it rains. Worry when you're healthy, Worry when you've pains. Worry is a habit That can be acquired, So you'd better get it If you'd be admired. All your friends will love you. When you fuss and fret, And your troubled visage They will ne'er forget. Worry is a pastime For the human mind. Those who do not hke it Are away behind. It is always pleasant To have future cares — To make all your day dreams Horrible nightmares. HOME MADE JINGLES 99 Worry is a splendid Mental exercise. It stirs up gray matter, Dormant otherwise, Forming new ideas Which will give you fright, Tho' you'll dwell upon them With a strange delight. Make your motto "Worry," Worry all you can, For enough real worry Changes God's great plan. We were made to worry, Made to weep and sigh. Therefore, worry, worry. Worry till you die. Think of all the people, Who are yet unborn. Think of all their troubles, Then begin to m.ourn. Think of all the struggles They must have in life, Think how they'll be falling In the midst of strife. Lora 100 HOME MADE JINGLES Picture all the earthquakes That are yet to be, Shiver for the victims In their misery. Know that epidemics Will bring much disease, Think how every dog- must Have its share of fleas. Teach your little children They should worry, too — Set a good example So they'll follow you. Tell them this whole world is Full of pain and woe. And whene'er they leave it. To much worse they'll go. HOME MADE JINGLES loi ONE KIND OF TRUTH. The conductor stood and waited For her to pay her fare, But the girl seemed quite unconscious That he was standing there. But at last he grew impatient And said, "Your fare, ma'am, please," But the girl seemed not to hear him And still she looked at ease. In a minute he repeated The words that he had said ; Then the maiden turned round slowly Her proud and well-shaped head. "Have you paid your fare ?" he asked her. Indeed she looked surprised ; "Why, of course I did," she answered. And he apologized. But as soon as the conductor Was several feet away, To herself she softly whispered, "I paid it yesterday." 102 HOME MADE JINGLES THE ONLY WAY. The doctor told the editor That he was all run down, And ought to have a little rest And go away from town. He gravely looked at him a v/hile, Then slowly shook his head. 'Tt's exercise you need the most And that at once," he said. ''Your circulation's very low And ought to be increased. Why don't you play some games of golf Or take long walks, at least?" The editor was sad indeed. His bank account was small, He knew he couldn't get away To exercise at all. He pondered o'er the doctor's words And dreamed of them at night, Until across his darkened mind There fell a ray of light. "My troubles now are gone," he mused "And all my worry past, For I have surely found a way To help myself at last. 'T'll send some sample copies out To all my friends today ; My circulation will increase And I will go away." HOME MADE JINGLES 103 WHICH CREED? I have very often pondered O'er the soul and o'er its needs, And I've wondered if reHgion Should be torn up into creeds. But I haven't found an answer, And perhaps I won't until I have climbed the narrow pathway And can look back down the hill. When I think of all the churches I am very much distressed, For there is no way of finding Out which one of them is best. As each minister is preaching From his pulpit Sabbath day That, to reach the gate of heaven, He can show the only way. Yes, the Baptists have their virtues And they're often in the swim, And the Scientists are healthy, And the Methodists are trim. The Episcopalians, haughty, Are the leaders of good style — But I Avonder, oh, I wonder, Just Vs^hich doctrine is worth while? 104 HOME MADE JIXGLES I should hate to be mistaken And the wrong religion take, And to be informed in heaven That my church was just a fake. So I'm anxious to get started Soon upon a single track, Where there is no freight returning Which will bring left-overs back. There are many pious persons All the churches scattered thro', So from closest observation I can't tell what's right to do. But to judge from the expression That each wears upon his face, I am sure that all are hoping To be landed in one place. If I knew the Holy Rollers Had the key to heaven's gate, I would join my feet and forehead And my lungs I would inflate ; Then I'd start myself a-roUing And I'd roll and roll until The Most High and Mighty Roller Would announce I'd had my fill. HOME MADE JINGLES 105 THE STREET CAR HOG. The end car seat he calmly held, In sweet, unconscious joy, While o'er his feet there scrambled in A woman and her boy. "He is a street car hog, my dear," The mother told her son. In angry tones that could be heard By almost ev'ry one. The passengers were wond'ring if The child would understand — He was so young and innocent And held his mother's hand. The boy looked at the great, tall man, And heaved a little sigh. 'Ts that the reason, ma," he asked, "That pork is now so high?" io6 HOME MADE JINGLES SUICIDE. How foolish is a man to take his Hfe, No matter what the cause. 'Tis better to continue in the strife Than flee from it, because To change our present form may be for wors; One fact we can't avoid — No atom in this wondrous universe Can ever be destro3/ed. Life is a moment in eternity, And tho' it's full of grief, There is no doubt our whole futurity Rests on this moment brief. Yes, he, who boldly snaps the brittle thread That ties him to this world, May with great agony forever tread The depths where he is hurled. Your business may be growing bad of late. The thought be hard to bear, But it is best to stagger 'neath the weight And try to take your share Of trouble, with a bold resolve you v/ill Not fall beneath )^our load. Push forward in your narrow path until You reach the broader road. HOME MADE JINGLES 107 If life has lost for you all hope and joy And time drags slowly on, Because your laughing girl or bright-eyed boy Or wife from you has gone, Don't feel that you should hurry to their side. But stay a while and earn Admission to the place where they reside, Or you may quick return. The silly lover who shoots off his head. Because he's lost his heart. Is better far when he is cold and dead Than living here in part. ''Survival of the fittest'' is the rule That governs life, and so 'Tis only natural that ev'ry fool Should kill himself, 3-0U know. io8 HOME MADE JINGLES PRACTICAL ADVICE. It is too bad that women folks Such nuisances now are, That all the men are having fits When they get off the car. So much is said about the way They awkwardly alight, And how so many fall and give The passengers a fright. But since I've thought the matter o'er A reason I have found Why women always face the rear When stepping to the ground. I'm sure they do not want to fall A bit more than a man ; It's simply that they like to use Their right hands when they can. So, if the street car company The handles would arrange A little diff'rently, I'm sure There soon would be a change. But, if to follow my advice The knowledge they should lack. They'd better put the right hand car Upon the left hand track. HOME MADE JIXGLES 109 ECOXOMY IX LIVIXG. ''It seems impossible to live," The father sadly said. "How can I earn the cash to buy My children daily bread ? '•I'm told that milk is going up. And higher is the meat ; It surely is a problem now To get enough to eat. ''Hard coal's advancing steadily, And all the clothing, too ; And novr with winter coming on, "Whatever shall vre do?" The father slowly paced the floor And heaved a hea^y sigh ; 'Tt's plain to me," he sadly said, "^^'e all will have to die'" And so an undertaker he Consulted right away. And asked for decent funerals How much he'd have to pay. But when he heard the awful price, Once more he heaved a sigh ; "We'll have to live." he said, "because We can't afford to die." no HOME MADE JINGLES HOUSES AND CHILDREN. This is the worstest world for Httle boys ! I do not think it's right That we ain't 'lowed to make a bit of noise In daytime or at night. But the most worstest thing ain't that at all— Oh, dear me, mercy no ! But it is 'cause we cannot get a flat To live in, high or low. My pa he's tried just awful hard to get A house what we can rent, But ev'ry one we see what is to let For children is not meant. I guess them landlords always was big men. They stare and frown at us. As if we was some kind of dogs and then They make an awful fuss. I'm sure I don't know what we'll do 'cause pa Is lookin' dreadful mad. HOME MADE JINGLES iii An' I just hate to see my poor, dear ma A-whinin' round so sad. It's plain we cannot get no house while we Three kids are still hooked on To ma and pa; and so the thought strikes me We'd better all get gone. I guess pa'll have to stake us out somewhere To graze till we are grown, For I suppose that it is only fair To let 'em live alone. If I was parents and was tryin' hard To get one of them flats, I'd take my little kids out in the yard And give 'em rough on rats. 112 HOME MADE JINGLES ACCOMMODATING. I used to feel so bad when I Was punished and I'd always cry, But that time now is past. I'd just as soon be whipped as not For whippings are so soon forgot; They hurt just while they last. Altho' my mother looks real sad, I know that she is very glad When I'm a naughty boy. And so I try to do my part And say the things that sound quite smart, For they give mother joy. She'll say I'm wicked and she'll scold And tell me that I am too old To bother her that way. But, when the neighbors come to call, She'll laugh about my capers all. ''He is so cute," she'll say. And then next time I will, of course, Feel that I ought to act lots worse, Altho' it gives me pain. If she wants stuff to talk about, I certainly should help her out, And so I just raise Cain. It's very easy to be bad But I won't do it for my dad, Because it doesn't pay. He has no sense of humor, and, Whenever he takes me in hand, I'm laid up for the day. HOME MADE JINGLES 113 HIS MOTIVE. "Some people are so stupid-like, They haven't got no brains. They haven't got enough sound sense To come in when it rains." Old Farmer Greenleaf stroked his beard And half closed both his eyes, Appearing to his group of friends A man grown worldly wise. "You seem to think you know it all And have the right to speak, And tell me I'm an idiot Because I'm larnin' Greek. "You say I'd better larn to talk Good English first of all. That shows that ev'ry one o' you Have minds most awful small. "Perhaps my grammar am't no good. But you can understand The things what I have got to say. What else do I demand? "And I propose to fix myself For days that are to be, For I believe that souls are made For immortality. "And when I reach the other side And relatives I meet, I guess that my dead language will Get me some grub to eat." 114 HOME MADE JINGLES REFLECTIONS. It's interesting to go down town And see the sights these days ; The merchants in the windows have Such elegant displays. And yet I don't believe that all The women folks who pass See what has been arranged behind The public looking glass. But it's all right, of course it is, For how the men do hate To see a pretty woman who Has not her hat on straight. 'Tis said that women seldom think, But that is quite untrue ; They have reflections on the street, Because — I know they do. HOME MADE JINGLES 115 A CHANGE OF FAITH. He was a dashing millionaire, And she a would-be swell, So when she met him at the ball She liked him pretty well. And he in turn was quite impressed And often went to call ; Quite soon he found that of the girls He liked her best of all. And then one day he said to her, ''Oh, won't you be my wife, And make me, dear, a happy man Throughout the rest of life ?'' xA.nd when she told him that she would And that she would be true. He said, "There's one condition that Fd like to name to you. ** You'll have to leave 3- our church and join The one that I call mine. Or this proposal that Fve made I'd rather 3^ou'd decline." ii6 HOME MADE JINGLES She said, ''Of course, you know I've been A Methodist from birth ; Before I change, I'd Hke to know How much your offer's worth." "I have five milHon in the bank And then much property, And on our honeymoon we'll spend A year across the sea. **Now, won't you change your faith ?" he asked, "The same time as your name ?" Then with a cry of joy she said, 'I'm willing to be game." HOME MADE JINGLES 117 DISH WASHING. If I should ask What work all women really hate, To find that task, Not long would I be forced to wait. Yes, we all know Dish washing is a great bugbear; And long ago It made poor housewives wish to swear. Three times a day The dishes must be washed and dried And put away. Could patient Job have been more tried Than woman who, With lofty aim and cultured taste, Is made to do Such petty things, and her time waste? Show me the man Who would, with willingness and grace. Reverse the plan And take his wife's dishwashing place. Perhaps a while He'd wear his new, ill-fitting yoke, And try to smile, But shortly he'd begin to croak. ii8 HOME MADE JINGLES He'd very soon Decide such work was not a snap, And some fine noon He'd take the dishes in his lap, And he'd commence To hurl them fiercely, one by one, Against the fence. Until his noble work was done. May that time come When dishes we'll no longer need ! When there'll be somxe New-fangled way ourselves to feed. If we just could Attach the mouth to a small pipe Supplying food. No dishes would we have to wipe. Food meters then Would show how much each person ate. That's why the men This new improvement would soon hate. But when we're free And have secured dishwashing rights, We need not be Concerned about their appetites. HOME MADE JINGLES 119 THEIR STUPIDITY. ''Come quick ! Come quick !" he loudly cried, 'T want you ev'ry one/' So upstairs all his family went — His daughters, wife and son. "What is it, dear ?" his wife now asked, Arriving out of breath, "The way you screamed you almost scared Us ev'ryone to death." "My new gold collar button's lost," The husband crossly said, While back and forth he wildly paced With countenance all red. "I laid it on the dresser there, A little while ago. But where the crazy thing has gone, I'm sure I do not know. "If you would have some order here I'd find my things, I guess, But it is quite impossible In such a room to dress." The daughters now upon their knees Were looking ev'rywhere ; His wife examined all his shirts And found it wasn't there. .I20 HOME MADE JIXGLES The son was shaking with much care The covers on the bed, But when he'd looked thro' all of them He sadly shook his head. ''Oh, hurry up," the father said, 'T can't stay here all day; You must think I'm a millionaire To waste the time this way. "Such stupid folks in all my life I'm sure I never knew. I'd get some spectacles, I'm sure. If I were blind like you." Now where that collar button was No one could understand, Until his youngest daughter said, "Why, it's in papa's hand !" "Ah, sure enough," the father said, "But I should like to know Just why you didn't tell me that A full half hour ago." HOME MADE JINGLES 121 TEDDY BEARS. We are demoralizing all our youth And adding to our cares By giving to our little boys and girls Those foolish Teddy Bears; We'll find out that our children will grow up With love for beast — not man, And we cannot then change their cultured tastes, Tho' we may think we can. The little girl who hugs her bear and has No doll to dress and kiss, The sweetest pleasure of her childhood years, Unconsciously will miss. No vision of a future home v/ill flit Across her mind while she Is yet a child, and fit her for the sphere Of her maturity. And, when she is a woman, she will shirk A mother's cares and joys. Preferring senseless, little poodle dogs To loving girls and boys. She won't know how to sew the simplest thing. Because the Teddy Bear That used to sleep with her w^as satisfied A coat of fur to wear. 122 HOME MADE JINGLES A plaything that is meant for boys as well as girls Young chivalry has wrecked, For, placed upon a level with the boys, The girls claim no respect. The foolish, little animals make both Alike in thought and deed. With what ideals can horrid Teddy Bears The youthful brain cells feed? Of women who have Teddy Bears for pets I will not deign to speak. Since ev'r3'body knows, of course, they are The weakest of the weak ; And they in homes for feeble-minded should Be shut up right away. Where they can show the other imbeciles Their Teddy Bears each day. When Roosevelt went to hunt for bears last fall In regions of the west. The reason he could find so little game I long ago have guessed. It was because our bears, more fortunate Than we, were given pride. And when their ugly images they saw, Thev all went off and died. HOME MADE JINGLES 123 AN UNWELCOME VISITOR. I'm hidin' in the attic now, An' been here all the day, In hopes that they will take the hint An' throw that kid away. If it was like some babies are, I wouldn't care a fig, But it is nothin' more nor less Than just a horrid pig. It's got my mamma's hair an' eyes. The doctor told the nurse, An' it has papa's ears an' mouth, — Oh, what could be much worse ! I used to love my mamma so. But now I do not care To see her since that baby took Away her eyes an' hair. An' it's no wonder that I'm sad An' sheddin' lots o' tears, For who could like a papa that Has got no mouth or ears ? 124 HOME MADE JINGLES That kid must be a funny sight With hair that's turnin' gray, An' with so much upon its head 'Twon't be the kind to play. An' with such great big ears, of course, He'll hear most ev'rything, An' with the mouth my papa had Much trouble he will bring. An' now I'm trying to protect A very tender point, For I won't let that baby knock My nose all out o' joint. HOME MADE JINGLES 125 NOT EASY STREET. IVe wandered ev'rywhere about And weary are my feet, And yet I cannot find the way That leads to Easy Street. One day I thought that I was there, The houses looked so fine, And out in front, along the curb, Large autos stood in line, I asked a man but he looked grave And said, 'Oh, mercy, no; These houses and these big machines Are just put here for show. " 'Tis true the people dress in style And many servants keep, But on their downy beds at night They cannot go to sleep. "They sail away on pleasure trips To many foreign lands. But while they're gone their property Oft goes to other hands. 126 HOME MADE JINGLES ''They entertain their friends at ckibs And for the time forget How many thousand dollars they Already are in debt. "And they avoid with wondrous skill The men they ought to pay; — It is a game of hide and seek That lasts from day to day. "And so tonight on Easy Street, My friend, you cannot lodge, But then, perhaps, you'd just as soon Stay here awhile on Dodge." HOME MADE JINGLES 127 PALMISTRY. When God made man, no doubt, He thought, "A noble piece of work I've \vrought, One that will breathe and think and act. How diff'rent than before his birth Will be conditions on the earth. The human mind was all it lacked. This creature that I've made shall be A being- of eternity. Three kinds of time to him I'll give. The past and present can he know ; The Future sealed is better, so He need not worry, but can live In peace from day to day." But curiosity was made And in the brain cells firmly laid, And man became dissatisfied. The present time was brief, he said ; The past was buried v/ith the dead; For future time he loudly cried. The stars were studied with the hope That they would give a broader scope. Then signs were fastened in the sky By men who feigned to understand The meaning of the heavens grand, And who were not content to die Until they'd had their ''say." 128 HOME MADE JINGLES When their descendants saw the signs They filled in thoughts between the lines, Their fickle fancies thus to please, And each one climbed a higher stone To reach the regions still unknown — The sweet, forbidden fruit to seize. And other methods, too, were found. Upon the daily-trodden ground. Appeared great palmistry. And all agreed that God had planned A revelation in each hand — One which would solve all mystery, And lay the future bare. Today, can you with brains believe That future time, God thus would leave In such a ver}^ foolish place? How oft He'd have to change the code Of signs as we ascend the road Of life. I wonder how we'd trace The route of touring cars or what Would be the sign we'd have or not A speedy airship for our own? And since not now 'Tn God We Trust, Will palms reveal when banks will bust And cashier's checks be quickly sown, Like sunflow'rs ev'rywliere? HOME MADE JINGLES 129 PUBLIC MANNERS. When I'm down town, I notice how Ill-mannered people are Upon the street, within the stores, And oft inside the car. Because they do not know one or That pleasure soon expect, They think they are not duty bound To treat one with respect. They crowd past strangers on the street And push them clear aside, Not caring if they hurt poor feet Or wound another's pride. They do not say, "Excuse me" nor Appear as if they'd done A thing they should be sorry for — They merely hurry on. Of course, in winter it's all right For offices and stores To strain the January air By means of great storm doors, But they should also put up signs In some conspicuous place, "It's very rude to slam a door In anybody's face." I30 HOME MADE JINGLES In boarding street cars have you not Seen how the people push To be the first to get inside And for the best seats rush? And now and then I've seen tired men Give seats to women who Would plant themselves within the space Without the words ''Thank you." Now these same people, no doubt, have Good manners stored away. But see no use displaying them In public ev'ry day. But they are making great mistakes, For manners are like cloth Which needs exposure to the air To keep away the moth. HOME MADE JINGLES 131 THE SAME OLD STORY. "Now we must have some music," The hostess sweetly said, When with some good refreshments Her company she'd fed. ''Dear Miss DeFray, Won't you please play ?" But Miss DeFray, so modest. Said with a bashful smile, 'T am all out of practice And have been for some while, So really I Don't want to try." The hostess turned serenely Around to Mr. Wing And said, "Now, Charlie, won't you A pretty love song sing? Your voice so clear, We'd like to hear." But Mr. Wing said, "Really, I'd love to sing, of course, But I can scarcely whisper — You see, I'm very hoarse. This whole past week I could not speak." And now the charming hostess Addressed her cultured niece, "You will, I know, A.dalia, Give us a little piece 132 HOME MADE JINGLES Of music, dear, Since you are here." "Oh, auntie, no, I cannot — I do not play at all Without my music, since I The notes cannot recall. But if I could, I gladly would." So, one by one refusing, Like sticks the guests all sat. No wonder that the hostess Knew not where she was "at." She rubbed her head, ''Dear me," she said. But suddenly, quite happy. She gave a merry laugh, "All right," she said, "I'll have to Get out the phonograph. And very soon We'll have a tune." She quickly fixed the record. Then sat down, feeling proud. The phonograph was whirring But now in accents loud, A deep voice rolled, "I have a cold." HOME MADE JINGLES 133 AUTUMN LEAVES. Thro' all the lovely autumn eves, He raked his front yard full of leaves. He piled them by the garden gate And thought he'd have a bonfire great. And when at last the trees stood there, Of all their summer clothing bare, On one cold, bleak October night. He thought the stack of leaves he'd light. But round and round the pile he paced And said, "It is a shame to waste What might perhaps taste very good When made into a breakfast food. *T've eaten stuff that I know must Have been prepared from old sawdust, And so I see no reason why Another make I shouldn't try." And all the leaves he now took in His undertaking to begin ; For many hours he worked until They'd all passed thro' the coffee mill. 134 HOME MADE JINGLES Some brown molasses, thick and slow, He poured upon them all, you know, And little chunks of butter, too, His ground-up leaves he scattered thro' He put them in the oven then And while they baked he paced again. He gave a loud and happy shout, When pretty soon he took them out. He said, ''I guess I have the goods ! It looks just like all breakfast foods, And with rich cream and sugar sweet 'Twill be delicious stuff to eat." Upon the market soon he placed The old dry leaves he wouldn't waste ; "Whatizit" was the nam.e he chose, But what it is, nobody knows. HOME MADE JINGLES 135 NAMING THE BABY. It seems to me that ever since To this old house I came They have spent every minute in Deciding on my name. My mother cries, my father swears, My grandpa groans about. And grandma sits beside the fire, The whole day in a pout. My aunts come in and say I'm sweet And each one will suggest The name she thinks I ought to have- The one that suits her best. My uncles all opinions have Quite different from their wives, And such great quarrels will start up, I tremble for their lives. And friends and neighbors ev'ry day Around my cradle stand. Repeating many times the namxs Which sound to themi so grrand. 136 HOME MADE JINGLES And now some business men down town Are added to the list Of persons v/ho have made me long To use my doubled fist. Yet after all the hours of talk And endless, cross disputes, They cannot find a single name That ev'rybody suits. Now I should be delighted if This nonsense they would quit, For if they'd stop just where they are I always would be ''it." HOME MADE JINGLES 137 DO IT NOW. He often would procrastinate, Until he took the vow, That he would follow faithfully The motto, ''Do It Now." So after many years had passed, He said, 'Tt is strange how I have improved since first I said I'd always do it now." One day he met a pretty girl With intellectual brow; He thought, ''Some day I will propose- I think I'll do it now." But when the honeymoon had passed, He didn't like his frau; And then he said, "I'll be divorced; Ah, yes, I'll do it now." But afterwards his conscience would No peace of mind allow. He said, "I'll drown myself next week- In fact, I'll do it now." 138 HOME MADE JINGLES POST CARDS. For six long months my wife and I Across the sea were touring, And many kinds of hardships we Were ev'ry day enduring. And several times while over there My life I felt like ending, Because my wife annoyed me so By foolish postals sending. We had a list ten miles in length Of friends who were collecting And who from ev'ry place we Vs^ent New post cards were expecting. My frenzied brain with all those names Is still today oft teeming, And on my pillow ev'ry night Of post cards I am dreaming. When people ask about our trip. Away I feel like going, Because I am quite sensitive About my friends all knowing How little of our foreign trip Within my mind is staying, Since "We must buy some postal cards," My wife was always saying. HOME MADE JINGLES 139 While other tourists in our crowd From us each day v/ere fleeing, Because the side attractions they Were anxious to be seeing, We'd be shut up in some small shop. Our bending necks both aching, Selections of gay postal cards For friends at home fast making. How many times we missed our train Would sham.e me in the telling. Much louder than the engine's toot Would be my wife's cross yelling, "We cannot go away from here Without more post cards getting; There still are many persons whom You seem to be forgetting." And often I would go to bed My insides loudly rumbling-. Accompanied by the dism.al sounds Of sighs and groans and grumbling, As meals upon our hurried way We were forever losing. And all because some postal cards My wife and I were choosing. 140 HOME MADE JINGLES Some books of travel now I've bought And o'er them I am poring, For I should like to know the names Of countries we were touring. But as I read I often jump And grab my hat, loud crying, ''We'll have to hurry up for we More post cards must be buying." HOME MADE JINGLES 141 GUMOLOGY. If there's one thing that pleases me More than aught else I know of It is to see the girl who makes Her mouth and jaws a show of. The girl, I mean, who always has, No matter what she's doing, A wad of gum within her mouth. Which she is always chewing. I like her, for I know that she In other faults is lacking; She has no thought for other things While both her lips are smacking. When she is sitting in the car, She makes a fine impression ; She looks so very innocent With such a blank expression. And always in department stores, While over goods I'm picking. It helps me greatly in my choice To hear the clerk's mouth clicking. So here is to the girl who chews On land or on the ocean ! We owe her much, for in her mouth We find perpetual motion. 142 HOME MADE JINGLES HIS FAMILY. His wife had gone a-sailing Across the summer sky, And as the airship vanished Had waved to him good by. His daughter was a-touring The state in her machine, And for a week or over Her home she had not seen. His son had gone a-spinning Along the river side Upon his motor cycle, Which was his greatest pride. The father sat a-rocking The baby on his knee And thought, 'That little go-cart Is all that's left for me." HOME MADE JINGLES 143 HIS EXHIBIT. The bach'lor deeply sighed and said, 'T lead an empty life ; The horse show comes next week and I Have neither horse nor wife. 'T'd like to go, upon my word, But I would be called slow. Unless I had some finery To make a little show." At last the auditorium Threw wide its pond'rous doors, And soon around the wall there were Fine hats and gowns by scores. The bach'lor, too, was there, and all The people wisely said The lady who beside him sat In style and richness led, For ev'ry one looked at her gown, With jewels covered o'er, And at her hat — a larger one They had not seen before. The bach'lor sat and Vv^aited till The crowd had homeward gone. And then he picked up, in his arms. His lady, and moved on. ''Now I'm convinced," he softly said, "That clothes are all they see. And so this dummy that I bought Is wife enough for me." 144 HOME MADE JINGLES THE VALUE OF POVERTY. Have you not noticed how the greatest men All claim that they were one time poor, And how they boast about the hardships which Their poverty made them endure? They cannot paint the pictures of their homes In shades too dull and dark and cold To suit the public and to make themselves Brave heroes now when they are old. 'Twould not sound well for them to tell how they Were reared in homes of wealth and ease, Where they had all advantages and could Go where and do just what they'd please. They know we'd give no credit to the man Who was by parents always pushed, Vv'ho'd traveled many times around the world And was thro' school and college rushed. HOME MADE JINGLES 145 Altho' I think the poor man's son, who was Compelled to spend his youthful days In struggles for himself, does not deserve Such credit nor such public praise As does the rich man's son who tries to reach The lofty heights of real renown, Since from the hillside where he climbs he must Temptations numerous cast down. However, boys, if modern fame you would achieve, Seek poverty without delay ; No admiration you'll receive until From father's wealth you turn away. Or else go down among the slums and take Of some poor home a small .map shot And call it yours when you're renowned, or you Will be appreciated not. 146 HOME MADE JINGLES A DISHONEST GROCER. One time there was a grocery man ^^'ho sold good things to eat. Whenever he would have a chance, His customers he'd cheat. His scales were fixed so that they would Give much less than a pound. And people who bought twelve good eggs Eleven old ones found. When any one to him complained, The grocery man w^ould sigh And say : 'T am an honest man, Than cheat I'd rather die." The people, thinking him. sincere, Did not cut off their trade, Until at last the grocery man Within his grave was laid. An epitaph upon his tomb, By customers was placed, And it's there yet if it has not By Vv'eather been erased. It reads : '"'Here lies John Peterson, Dishonest thro' and thro' ; His victims hope the devil v/ill Give him a short wait, too." HOME MADE JINGLES 147 JUST THE THING. ''Photographer, I've spent much time In fixing for my pose, For, tho' I am not in my prime, To look young I propose. As ev'rybody knows, The people who have reached my stage Are anxious to conceal their age When pride within them flows. ''This is my daughter's party dress Which she said I might wear. It's rather gay, I must confess. But then I do not care. And I have curled my hair, Altho' I've always worn it straight, I thought I'd be clear up-to-date And have a stylish air. "I hope you'll make my hair look black, You see it's almost white. If you can't bring the color back 'Twill be an ugly sight. And then you musn't slight My neck and arms, which now are bare. But make them look real plump and fair; Put wrinkles out of sight. 148 HOME MADE JINGLES "Now I will make it worth 3^our while To give me youth and grace. Please try your best to make me smile, For I'd be in disgrace To have the slightest trace Of this deep frown I've always worn My costly photograph adorn, And spoil my made-up face." The camera man seemed lost in thought. At last he shook his head — "Such miracles today cannot be wrought,- The time for them has fled. But I have here," he said, "A kind assistant, young and fair, With dimpled cheeks and coal black hair, Who'll pose for you instead." HOME MADE JINGLES 149 HIS BOAST. "I've written much for magazines," The would-be writer said, "And sketches for the papers, too." He proudly tossed his head. "I wrote two stories just last week For Munsey, don't you know, And to McClure's a poem I Sent just a week ago. "And Harper's I have written for A dozen times at least; Some articles I'm writing now For papers in the east. "My friend, I am the author of A dozen novels, too. My last book has a splendid plot. Which I am sure is new." "What works of yours are published, sir ?" Was asked when he had done. The young man blushed a crimson red And softly answered, "None." 150 HOME MADE JINGLES POLICY. Each Sunday he stood up and told His congregation how They ought to cHng fast to the truth And ought to do it now. He said it was a wicked sin To tell the smallest lie, And that they all would suffer for Their falsehoods by and by. The people then would leave the church, With faces sad and long, For ev'ryone could well recall A time he had done wrong. And they would all resolve at once To lead a better life, To tell the truth, whate'er it cost. No matter what the strife. But one day Browne, a wicked man, A miser, too, and mean. Was taken sick and on the street He nevermore was seen. HOME MADE JINGLES 151 And at the church his funeral Was very large and swell, And ev'rvwhere the flowers made A sweet, ethereal smell. And now the minister stood up And gently on the bier He let flow from his downcast eye An artificial tear. He said how sad it was to lose A man so good and true, For such great, noble hearts as Browne's Were certainly quite few. The people wondered how he could Face them with such a lie, And it occurred to them that he Would suffer by and by. But though not one of them approved Of such hypocrisy. They smothered all their sentiments For it was policy. 152 HOME MADE JINGLES NOBODY CARED. Each day the gard'ner passed the house And called as he passed by, "Oh, canteloupe ! oh, canteloupe ! Oh, canteloupe !" he'd cry. The children on the street would then Take up the loud refrain, And "Canteloupe, oh, canteloupe!" Would sound and sound again. At last the man within the house His usual patience lost And with an oath, upon the floor, His morning paper tossed. "Look here," he yelled in angry voice, "You do not think I hope That anybody cares a rap Because you can't elope?" HOME MADE JINGLES 153 BEFORE CHRISTMAS. Christmas is all right for children, And it's mighty nice for mas, But it is a horrid business For the poor, hard-working pas. Yes, the men folks have to pay for All the nicknacks and the toys, If they want to keep the love of Their dear wives and girls and boys. I am thankful for the kisses That I'm getting these cold nights, For they come in such profusion That they pay for bygone slights. It is nice to find my slippers Warm as toast beside the grate, And to get no word of scolding If I make the dinner late. But the mornings, oh, the mornings, When I start to go down town ! If I don't shell out the dollars, I am glared at with a frown. Yet, as soon as in my pockets, Both my hands are out of sight. All my family will hug me And will say I am all right. 154 HOME MADE JINGLES I am forced to g"o out shopping With my wife and then with Sue, Then with Lottie, Fred, and Lucy, And with Johnnie, Joe and Lou. They all want to have my judgment They will very sweetly say. And I let them keep on thinking I was born just yesterday. There are aunts and there are uncles. There are cousins without end. Oh, the relatives and neighbors ! — Ev'ry one is now a friend. But there is no use protesting; I must grin and do my part, Or my wife will call me "miser" And insist I have no heart. I am very glad that Christmas, With its talked-of mirth and cheer, Doesn't have the fault of coming More than just once ev'ry year. And while Christmas bells are ringing, I will then express relief; I will blow a trumpet loudly On my annual handkerchief. HOME MADE JINGLES 155 THE UMBRELLA PLANT. Umbrellas are the hardest thing For me to keep on hand, And where they go I can't explain, I do not understand. So when the florist told me that Umbrella plants would grow Umbrellas by the dozen, why I purchased one, you know. I put it in the garden and I watered it with care, Expecting ev'ry day to see Umbrellas growing there. And sure enough when winter came- I know you'll be am^azed — By actual count I found that ten Umbrellas I had raised. 156 HOME MADE JINGLES A PSALM OF MONEY. Tell me not with groans and sighing That a panic's in the air, For there is no use denying It is nothing but a scare. Money's coming, money's growing, And the poor farm's not our doom, Hence, there is no object throwing Over us this horrid gloom. Not great riches and not needing Is the outcome of today. So cheer up and go on leading All your friends to be more gay. Tears are sad and grief's depressing, But some hearts are made of lead, And oftimes black shrouds we're pressing, For our loved ones not yet dead. In the present money pinches, In the golden eagle fight, Do not be the one who clinches Ev'ry copper cent in sight. HOME MADE JINGLES 157 Trust the bankers, e'en tho' failing, Let them have your cash a while, Spend the dollars you are nailing, — You'll get for each inch a mile. Lives of millionaires remind us It is good to have much gold. But we have to leave behind us All our wealth when we are cold. Our wealth that perhaps another Claiming that he is an heir Or a loving, long-lost brother, Will be sowing ev'rywhere. Let us then be up and spending With a smile for those we pass, Sometimes giving, sometimes lending, Let the panic go to grass ! 158 HOME MADE JINGLES PRICE MARKS. Merchants, merchants, don't you know That we're on to you ? Don't you think w^e understand, Little tricks you do? Tho' to fool us ev'ry day You, no doubt, take pains. Give us credit, dry goods men, For possessing brains. When you advertise that goods Now must be sold cheap, We know that a harvest you Never fail to reap. We're not taken in by sales, Not a single bit, As you would not undersell For our benefit. There are prices on your goods — Usually just two; — One is meant to be the old. And the other new. HOME MADE JINGLES 159 Yes, the former one is high And the latter low ; — Wonderful how you can slash All your prices so ! If you really would reduce As you'd have us think, Deep into a hole you would Very quickly sink. So don't waste your time, dear sirs, This way any more, Tho' it's easy to make tags Just the day before. i6o HOME MADE JINGLES THE NEW YEAR. Happy New Year, men and women, Happy New Year, girls and boys ! Let me wish you all sincerely Twelve months brimming full of joys. May new hopes and aspirations Stir within your hearts today, Scaring last year's disappointments From your memories away. Turn around and face the sunshine With its constant warmth and cheer, Firm resolving you will seek it Ev'ry day throughout the year. Clouds which darken 3'Our horizon, While 3^ou're gazing toward the light. Are collections of thin vapor Which will soon drift out of sight. Let unselfish love for others Prompt you oft to noble deeds : — Flowers blooming by the roadside Are more beautiful than weeds. HOME MADE JINGLES i6i Thro' life's mazes we all wander, Many stumble as tho' blind, So a helping hand be often Stretching forth to lift mankind. May this New Year be much better Than the other years you've passed; Let it be a strong foundation Built to hold your future fast. Use enough good bricks and mortar So your edifice won't shake, When the earth begins to tremble With a San Francisco quake. i62 HOME MADE JINGLES FREE ADVICE. He had a horrid cold that day, But went down town to woriv, For, tho' he felt just terrible. No duty would he shirk. Upon the street he met a man Who very kindly said, ''Just take a good, hot bath tonight Before you go to bed." Around the corner then he saw His cousin, Mr. Wade, Who told him he must surely drink Some red-hot lemonade. His partner in the office said, ''That cold to you will cling, Until you try my remedy, Which is a whisky sling." The young stenographer turned round And said, 'T think it's best To put some lard and turpentine Tonight upon your chest." HOME MADE JINGLES 163 At once the office boy looked up And said, ''I know what's fine. There's nothing that will help you, sir, More quickly than quinine." And now a client wandered in, "You have a cough — Oh, my ! If I were you, I'd hurry up And take some rock and rye." And thus it was the whole day long. The cures came thick and fast. And he was glad when it was time To go out home at last. His pockets were all bulging out With bundles, large and small, For, as each remedy was good, He thought he'd try them all. And since that night, he's never had A cold and never will. For he is lying peacefully At rest in Prospect Kill. i64 HOME MADE JINGLES BLUE SUNDAYS. You may talk about your Sundays Being blue for men who are Kept from riding on a trolley And from buying a cigar. You may blow about the city Having taken this good streak In forbidding down-town labor On the first of ev'ry week. Ah, but how about the women, Have you thought of their toil yet? They're the ones who break the Sabbath And this fact please don't forget. They would much prefer to linger In the parlor with a book, But they have to haunt the kitchen And the Sunday dinner cook. Yes, and often, very often — It is sad, I must confess — They are asked to pause while cooking And their husbands' trousers press. HOME MADE JINGLES 165 Then again up in the bath room They must break God's holy rule, If they want their Neds and Susies To look nice in Sunday school. And perhaps the tiny stockings Have great windows in the toes, Or a handkerchief is lacking For some darling, little nose. But the patient, weary mothers Go on smiling with their work, For not even on the Sabbath Would they any duty shirk. They look forward to the evening, When the children are in bed, To a little bit of pleasure When the papers can be read. But now that will be denied them If the men down town don't go, For they'll have to spend their leisure Entertaining them, you know. So in speaking of blue Sundays, Please consider women most. As to men, who cause all trouble. Let them have their Sunday roast. i66 HOME MADE JINGLES KNOWLEDGE. Life is too short to spend so many years In quest of learning. Hence, it is time that from the old hard paths We now were turning. How empty are the baby's brains when on His journey starting. What toil it takes to fill them up — and soon With them he's parting. Thro' all his childhood's fleeting days, at school He must be working, Receiving punishment, if any task He would be shirking. And after four years of his precious youth At college spending. He knows that even then 'neath wisdom's weight He is not bending. He must forever dig the stony paths He would be trodding. And keep his eyes turned from the sun while he Is always plodding. And when at last he feels his weary life From him is going, He sighs to think he must pass on without More knowledge knowing. HOME MADE JINGLES 167 Since man}^ brilliant scientists this age Is now possessing, 'Twould be to all humanity a great And wondrous blessing, If in some little tablets they would put The germs of knowledge. So that they'd be a substitute for work At school and college. Ambitious people then would surely have Some time for resting. And they would now and then, perhaps, indulge In harmless jesting. I'm confident that all the newly rich Would be quite willing To buy and swallow little polished pills Of grammar filling. i68 HOME MADE JINGLES A SCORCHER. It's true that scorchers have great sport In whizzing down the street, And scaring half to death the men And women whom they meet. They go so fast that who they are It's pretty hard to tell, And all they leave behind for us Is just that horrid smell. But never mind, the time will come When they will sorry be For tearing down the steepest hills With such rapidity. So we won't try to roast them here ; It's not worth while, you know, But let them keep it up until They're scorching down below. HOME MADE JINGLES 169 A QUESTION. I'd like to be a scientist, Indeed I really should, But when it comes down to the point, I don't suppose I could. It's not because I don't believe That what they say is true; But it's because I can't perform The miracles they do. One time I had a bad toothache That lasted all the day. And tho' I said it didn't ache, It wouldn't go away. I've had the rheumatism bad And suffered much with pain. Whene'er I said it didn't hurt, I said it quite in vain. And now I have a cold or grippe, If that name pleases you. And tho' I tell you I am well It is a fib — ki-choo ! 170 HOME MADE JINGLES So, like clear old George Washington, I cannot tell a lie ; I'd rather suffer pain on earth Than later when I die. You see I'm from Missouri and Som^e things they'll have to show About their scientific church Which I should like to know. If mind is all and matter's naught, As by them I've been told, What is the m.atter v/hen all mind The maiter when it's cold? HOME MADE JINGLES 171 UNMASK! Unmask, for it is New Year's eve ; The old }:ear is departing. Uncovered, squarely face yourself, Before the new year starting. If you're ashamed of what you see Beneath the coat of varnish, It's time to take a scrubbing brush And rub off all the tarnish. Unmask, while you are given pow'r, To do your own removing, For while you breathe the breath of life, You ought to be imxproving; Review your past with careful thought, Your good and bad deeds weighing, And ask yourself if your career Is worth the price you're paying. Unm.ask, for it's the proper time To give your soul inspection, And when you knov/ what it requ.'res Give all its 172 HOME MADE JINGLES If it has been abused this year Don't waste tonight in sorrow, But g-rit your teeth and say, "I will Begin new life tomorrow." Unmasked, experience the new And self-respected feeling, And notice all the noble thoughts Within your bosom stealing. You may feel weak at first if vou've Had deviled ham for diet, But you'll grow strong quite rapidly On angel food — just try it. HOME MADE JINGLES 173 BRAIN FOOD. When I consider what great books there are And what grand thoughts they all contain, The knowledge that they now are seldom read Oft makes me sad and gives me pain. Of course, on all well-stocked library shelves They occupy a certain space, But oh, how long a time they have to wait Before they're taken from their place. Most persons do not know the benefit And joy they would derive, if they Would spend a little portion of their time In reading good books ev'ry day. Just as the body needs its exercise And wholesome food of ev'ry kind. So ought much time and care be given to Developing the human mind. If brains could be exposed to view instead Of being hidden far inside The head, in moulding our grey matter v/e, No doubt, would take more pains and pride. We'd be ashamed to let our neighbors see The poor, diseased, and crippled state. Our brains were in. We would the shrunken cells With literary breath inflate. Those who had mental indigestion caused By latest novel diets might Take Shakespeare tonic for a while at least To stimulate their appetite. They'd see the fatal, weakening effect. They'd realize how minds were hurt. By giving them so much newspaper hash And spicy magazine dessert. 174 HOME MADE JINGLES TRANSMIGRATION OF SOULS. Transmigration of souls is an old-time belief Held by persons in ancient days schooled, But today it is lightly passed over and oft By great scientists much ridiculed. Tho' there's much in the doctrine that I don't be- lieve, The essential rule strikes me as true — I'm convinced that the characteristics of man ; The low animal stage have passed thro'. Now some persons I'm sure were at one time old cats. Of their presence you cannot lose track. For, altho' you may drop them again and again, You know well they v/ill always come back. And the persons who spend all their life on the road And from trunks cannot shake themselves free. Are as awkward and restless when in their own homes As an elephant ever would be. I have often seen women with manners so sly That I've thought they resembled a fox, HOME MADE JINGLES 175 And the ladies who make grand displays 01 their clothes Are a species of lovely peacocks. And the maiden so pretty, yet modest and shy, Who will sometimes skip off when you're near, Oft impresses the men with the fact she's a prize, But tney soon will find out she's a deer. And right on down the line, you can trace the descent Of the soul from its animal stage, Until now it's arrived in its present day form And enjoying the life of this age. Let me add, if you do not believe what I've said, You can prove it yourself in this v/ay — Just name over your friends, who at one time, were geese, And are monkeys, yes, big ones, today. 1/6 HOME MADE JIXGLES AFFECTATION. I have wondered as Fve watched them, Who some persons think they are, For their mianners, so affected, Give my nerves a painful jar. They seem trying to impress one Ev'ry time they make a miove, That they're charming or attractive, But this fact they'll have to prove. For those, liking imitations. Persons of this stamp will do. But such open counterfeiting Is admired by very few. When I buy a silver teaspoon, I search for the sterling sign. For tho' it is nicely plated, I don't want cheap goods for mine. \Mien I see a vroman smiling With a smile that's not her own, I desire to gaze upon her Som.etime when she is alone. For I'd really like to see her ^^'hen she is her natural self, After she has laid her manners \\'ith her false hair on a shelf. HOME MADE JINGLES 177 I should like to put a question To my readers, near and far — Why do people when they're airy Hate the little letter R? Those who used to knife their pie crust Now speak of a knife and ''fo'k." Would they have us think, I wonder, They were "bo'n back in New Yo'k?" Yet I can't help feeling sorry, And my heart with pity melts, When I see a person striving To be like som.ebody else. For it is a proof he isn't Blessed v/ith very mAich real pride. Or he wouldn't show so plainly That himself he wants to hide. 1/8 HOME MADE JINGLES GOING, NOT GONE. The neighbor rose and said, 'T think It's time for me to go ; I've stayed much longer than I had Intended, don't you know." "Oh, do sit down," the hostess said, *Tt's early yet, my dear ; I haven't seen you for so long, Altho' you live so near." ''I know it is a shame that I Am not more neighborly. But I have so much work to do — I sew continually." "Oh, yes, indeed, I know you do," The charming hostess said. While thoughts of dinner yet to cook Went chasing thro' her head. "But v/hen you're here, you ought to stay At least a little while ; Now do sit down and talk some more," — She smiled her sweetest smile. The neighbor had already moved A little toward the door. But looked more stationary than She had appeared before. "I'd like to stay," she said, "but I I^.iust te-rir myself away; HOME MADE JINGLES 179 I'll come again, dear Mrs. Brown. Perhaps, next week I may." "Why won't she go?" the hostess thought; "Already it is late ; I wonder how much longer she Intends to stand and wait?" The neighbor then went on to say How often she had planned To call, but where the time had gone She could not understand. Then Mrs. Brown grew desperate And said, "Dear Mrs. White, I'd really love to have you stay And dine with us tonight." A frightend look now glistened in The caller's pretty eyes — "Is it so late as that?" she asked In evident surprise. "Why, really, now, since you insist Upon my staying here, Your invitation I'll accept, Altho' I ought not, dear." Then with a happy, little smile. Dear Mrs. White sat down, While to the kitchen, in posthaste. Went angry Mrs. Brown. i8o HOME MADE JINGLES NOT FOR ME. I hate to think that women Are fools about their clothes, And yet it is a fact that Most ev'rybody knows. Dame Fashion has assurance Her smallest whim we'll heed And that we'll follow gladly ^\'herever she may lead. She tells us just exactly The gowns that we must wear And how we have to fasten Dead rats within our hair. Altho' we look like scarecrows We go upon the street; I wonder we don't frighten The autos that we meet. She's made us use our dresses For brooms to sweep the ground, Collecting horrid microbes That ev'ry where abound. And now she's made us chop off One third of ev'ry skirt So that Jack Frost is likely Our little feet to hurt. HOME MADE JINGLES i8i And I with all the others Obeyed her queer commands, And let my whole appearance Be clay within her hands, Tho' often I was startled By work she had performed. On looking in the mirror, I've thought myself deformed. But all things have a limit And now I draw the line ; There'll be no heathen earrings In any ears of mine. I'd just as soon have hanging And flashing ev'ry night, In each one of my nostrils, A small electric light. i82 HOME MADE JIXGLES MADE OA'ER. She was a stylish woman, for She understood the way To make her old last season's clothes The fashion of today. She knew just how to renovate The style of any gown, — Long skirts were shortened skillfully And sleeves turned up side down. She'd change the color of her hats From white or pink to blue, And bows and feathers from the store A\^ould make them look like new. And when it came to cooking, then She really did excel, And it was just because she could Make over things so well. She had a husband, who in youth The wildest things would do. But now he is a saint because She made him over, too. HOME MADE JINGLES 183 IF GEORGE COULD SPEAK. Once more my birthday's come around, Again my praises must be sung, Tho' many years with my old name, America has loudly rung. I often wish you'd let me lie In peace within my narrow grave, For I am tired of hearing that I was a hero, true and brave. The little cherry tree which you, Keep telling children that I cut, No longer is a cherry tree. For it is now a great chestnut. If I had chopped my father's tree, I would have given dad the slip. Since no confession would have saved Me from the lashes of his whip. Now do not think that I'm a crank. Because I don't appreciate The way the anniversary of My birth you all still celebrate. I merely wish you'd bear in mind I was a man the same as you. And had my share of faults and sins And made a lot of blunders, too. i84 HOME MADE JINGLES It's been a long time since I sat Within the presidential chair, But ever since I had that seat I have been loaded down with care. "The Father of His Country" is The title you have given me. Has Teddy Roosevelt aught to say About my whole dear family? Your hero worship makes me smile, And sometimes causes me much pain. For I know how you'd hoot at me, If I'd appear on earth again. I'd be the worst back number that Most anyone would choose to meet, And as I'd dodge your autos, all The dogs would chase me down the street. I'm very sorry I was born Upon the twenty-second, for It looks to me as tho' you'll keep This business up forevermore. Another day, and I would not Have felt I was obliged to urge You thus to let me rest — it would Have been just twenty-three for George. HOME MADE JINGLES 185 MY NEW MAMMA. I don't like mammas when you buy 'em ready-made Like papa did. I wisht a higher price he'd paid And got one made to order. My papa seems to think that she is very nice, But guess, if he would stop and think about her twice, He'd feel like I do toward 'er. My firstest mamma died about three months ago And me and papa felt just awful bad, you know, And I was dreadful sorry For papa, 'cause each night he used to cry and cry. And I was scared for fear he might get sick and die, But he said, "Don't you worry!" And soon he came a-luggin' home this other one And smilin' awful happy-like he said, ''My son, Here is a bran new mother." But I just stood and sized her up a minute and I said, "She isn't new at all. She's second hand. I'd go and buy another." 1 86 HOME MADE JINGLES My other mamma used to be so good and kind. She was the bestest mamma you could ever find, But papa used to scold 'er. And when to this new mamma he was so poHte, I put a great big beetle in her ear one night. ''He'll change some day," I told 'er. Bob Smith says papa made a match when he Brought my new mamma home that night to give to me, But that's a funny notion. 'Tain't true, 'cause if there'd been a spark 'round any place, I guess, with all the powder on my mamma's face, There'd been a big explosion. HOME MADE JINGLES 187 VACCINATION. It was true the smallpox raged Ev'rywhere about, And the people felt they should Try to stamp it out. Vaccination was the means That must be employed, Tho' the process wasn't one That could be enjoyed. One by one the children went To the doctor there. And with sleeves all rolled up high Stood with arms quite bare. 'Twas a duty that they must Ev'ry one perform, To avoid the school board's wrath And perchance a storm. But at last a little girl Started fast away, "You can't vaccinate me, sir," She was heard to say. "I'm a Christian Scientist, So you must allow Absent treatment for my arm — And I'll take it now." HOME MADE JINGLES FALL MILLINERY. For our new hats we looked about And hunted ev'rywhere, Until at last we all gave up And went home in despair. 'Twas not because there were no hats. But they were far too high For anyone but millionaires' Or bankers' wives to buy. But on our rounds we'd taken in The leading styles, of course, And all agreed with one assent They could not be much worse. And so we said Vv^e thought that we Some headgear would create, And if we looked like wild west shows We'd be quite up-to-date. And then we took our last 3'ear's hats And put the backs in front — To have most of the brim behind Is now the proper stunt. HOME MADE JINGLES 189 We took our feather duster from It's place behind the door, And such a bath in gasoHne It never had before. But when upon my sister's head The duster's feathers sat. We girls declared we'd never seen A more becoming hat. For Sunday dinner then we all Indulged in chicken stew, As we had figured out that we Could use the feathers, too. We dipped them in some blueing which For washday we had made, And on my other sister's hat They were a lovely shade. And now I'm waiting patiently Until Thanksgiving's o'er. And when they see my turkey plumes, My sisters will feel sore. WAR n t90« Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. 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