-:•;'- ■:■''. I: £':: ■• PK> A .. : Glass_ Book^LA^ COMIC SKETCHES; THE COMEDIAN HIS OWN MANAGER. Written and selected FOR THE BENEFIT OF PERFORMERS ENGLAND, IRELAND, INSCRIBED TO SCOTLAND, and AMERICA. THE PERFORMERS IN GENERAL, BY CHARLES LEE LEWES, Comedian, h THE WHOLE FORMING MATTER SUFFICIENT FOR TWO EVENINGS' ENTERTAINMENT; ORIGINALLY INTENDED FOR THE EAST INDIES, AND AS DELIVERED BY HIM, WITHOUT AN APPARATUS, IN MANY PARTS OF THE THREE KINGDOMS, WITH DISTINGUISHED PATRONAGE LONDON: — -7~ PRINTED FOR H. D. SYMONDS, NO. 20, PATERNOSTER-ROW. 1804. TrK 2r0 Printed hy Byt and Law, St. John's Square, Cltrhenwtlt. CONTENTS. Page JLJiographical Sketch of Charles Lee Lewes - xi Introduction ------- xxvii To Performers in general ----- xxviii Address to the Ladies and Gentlemen, reiidents in Calcutta at the Period 1788 - xxxi Eloquence abused ------ 1 Boys reading at school ----- % Bad reading of news-papers - 3 Auk ward mode of address ----- 4 Reading like singing recitative - 5 Bathologists ------- ibid. Propriety of emphasis exemplified ... 7 Punctuation, its power and abuse 10 ""Vowels frequently useless in the English 13 Observations on spelling ----- i6. Words of the same pronunciation, but of a different meaning ---.----14? Partiality of the English to Jacks - - - - ib. :■ Contemptuous treatment of the letter H - - 16 - Mode of teaching by an Irish schoolmaster - - 18 Word-clippers described 22 \ 2 IV CONTENTS. Page Lispers, stammerers, and snufflers described - - 23 Impropriety of cadence in speaking exemplified, in a story relative to the performance of thunder and lightning, in the Rehearsal •* - - 25 Epithets for drunkenness 26 The tone of voice should vary with the subject - 2 Northumberland burr in speaking exemplified 30 A learned disquisition between a Squire, an Excise- man, an Apothecary, a Lawyer, and a Curate, upon a hedge-hog ------ 31 The deportment of the body should correspond with the modulation of the voice in speaking - - 32 Corporeal expression described of a Frenchman, Dutchman, and Spaniard ----- 34 Unnatural and ridiculous gesticulation exemplified in the characters of a Maiden Lady and her three antiquated Maid Servants ----- 35 . A sharp-set genius for dramatic fame, described in the story of Garrick and the Taylor - - - 39 Ridiculous Story-Tellers described - - - - 43 The good Story-Teller described 46 A remarkable story respecting painting, as told by Hogarth of himself and a gentleman of fortune - ib. Garrick and Lord Orrery's remarkable conversation respecting the celebrated Mossop, the Tragedian - 49 Utterance of public speakers how spoiled, perverted, and enervated -------67 Effeminate conversation exemplified in the persons of Billy Gentle, Jacky Diddle, Sir Simon Simper, and LorcT Softly ------ 68 I CONTENTS. V Page Parents and Tutors exhorted to cultivate the manly energies of Roman eloquence - - - 70 Spelling taught improperly instanced in a school- mistress teaching her infant scholar to spell the word Birmingham - - - - - - 72 Anecdote of a common Sailor teaching Geography - ib. Nurses, &c. should be careful never to speak im- properly to or before children committed to their care - - - - - - - - ib. Fashion in words and phrases exemplified 73 The character of a Beau displayed in his own de- scription of a Tete-a-Tete - - - - - 7 4 The English language compared with those of the Hebrew, Greek, Latin, Spanish, Italian, and French - 76 Whimsicalities in the English language - 77 The opinions of a Quack Doctor and a Lawyer re- specting a Petit-Maitre ----- 78 The powers of Music to quiet the crying of Infants, encrease the zest of an Englishman for his dinneV, and accelerating the business of a Taylor's work- shop _- - 80 Musical echo of Killarney described by Darjptogan 82 Butchers of blank verse described 83 A Tragedy Bell-Wether - - - - ' - 85 A Tragedy Bantam-Cock ----- 86 A curious scene of Gossipping, upon some theological and metaphysical topics ----- 87 Thunder and Lightning Manufacturers 92 An important secret in Pharmacy 94 a3 Yl CONTENTS. Page A Veterinary story of a Country Farrier - - - 9tr Turkey^pout actors 99 Nomenclators described - - - - - ib. The author's account of a strolling company in Kent, of which he and Quick were two of the per- formers - - - - - - - -100 A striking actor described ----- 104 Boxing reproved, with a story respecting the dis- graceful defeat of a pugilist - 105 A Quack Doctor's panegyric upon his own wonderful talents - - - 109 Tragedy Chaunter Pipers described • - 114 Men of genius have now no patrons • - 115 The celebrated Tooth and Pinion scheme for teaching arts and sciences by intuition - - - - 117 The Technicatholicautomatopantoppidon, or the Clock- Work Universal School-Master, a machine for teaching all branches of learning - - - 118 The contemptuous treatment of an Author by a gen- tleman of fashion - - - - - -120 New strokes of acting exemplified, in a story of a Scotchman and a Performer - 131 Plays performed by men only, at Camberwell, a village near London ------ 132 Veteran performers sometimes deserve punishment for neglect of duty - - - - - -133 Anecdote of a Bombardier performing the Earl of Richmond at Norwich 134 The abuse of the word Honour - - - 135 Gamblers' disputes upon their honour - - - ib CONTENTS, Vll Page London possesses more honour than any other city in the world - 136 The Turks have no idea of honour - ib. Killing in defence of honour only practiced where the Gospel is taught ------ ib. ' The honour of Magrah Monaghan, a story - - 137 The fool played as often off as on the stage - - 139 The Clergyman's mistake in asking the prayers of his congregation for a man going to sea - - 140 A Performer mistaking his part in All for Love - 141 The same Performer's giving out the play and farce ib. Debates on the state of the nation in a political club, consisting of a Baker, a Butcher, a Barber, a Taylor, a Grocer, an Inn-keeper, a Perfumer, and a Chelsea Penfioner - - - - 14- The absurdity of a provincialist professing public speaking - - - - - - - - 146 A whimsical specimen of Scotch-English Oratory - 147 The Oratory of a Cockney displayed - - - 149 A Cambrian asking, in Cranbourn-Alley, for a pair of shoes for his daughter - - - - - 151 West-country dialect exemplified in a Collier's whim- sical description of a church - 152 The anatomy of phantoms - - - - - 153 Genius neglected, a story - - - - 154 appointed director of a milk office - - 158 Zeuxis died of a fit of laughter caused by looking at his painting of an old woman - 1 59 Persons laughing at their own conceits reproved - ib. Giggling, smiling, t'ttering, grinning, risible gentry a 4 Vlll CONTENTS. Page instanced in their behaviour to a man of genuine wit and humour -----_ ^qq Some-body, no-body, any-body, and every-body, how treated ---_-__ igi Devilish expressions, their variety instanced - - 162 Shorteners of words ------ 153 Extenders of words ib. Anecdote orators described - - - - 164 Anecdote of an Election Barber ib. — of a Town Cryer * 165 Prolixity exposed - - - - - - ib. Whatever Nature produces Art can embellish * 167 A fly observer ------- %^q A wristband-puller - - - - - - ib. A pocket diver ------- ib. An itinerant player acting with one arm described - it, The same actor's singularity off the stage - - T69 Mutes, Babblers, &c. described - - - - 170 Dictionary Word-Grubbers, an anecdote concerning one of them - 171 The Apothecary and Barber compared - 172 Singular talents possessed by many who never could attain any character for eminent abilities - - 174 Mimics, several described - - - - - 175 Imitators of Punch - - - - - ib. the Bassoon - - - - - ib. Caterwauling of Cats - ib. Cries of London - 176 Innocent means of promoting cheerfulness applaud- ed - . - 17* CONTENTS. IX Page News-papers justly termed a microcosm - 179 their use and description ... 18Q A whimsical advertisement - 181 Independency of temper, its effects - 183 Anecdote of Dick Shatterbrain - 184 Vanity of Democritus who censured the vanity of all the world 185 Whimsical acts and opinions of celebrated characters ib. Abuse of the word Friend - - - - - 186 Studying the vocabulary of affectation exemplified ib. The actor spurred in the wrong place - 188 Foote's ridiculous performance of Tragedy - - 189 Tragedy tea-pot, a sketch - - - - - 191 Mr. Mossop's acting censured - ib. Garrick's story of a one-handed actor - 192 A story of the celebrated George Alexander Steevens ib. a 5 BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH CHARLES LEE LEWES. JL here is a certain jealousy in the human mind, which impels it to view with indifference, and sometimes with contempt, the perform- ances and the actions of cotemporary genius. It is seldom riiat we discover a man to he either learned,, or pious,, or ingenious, until death has removed him from the sphere of competition; and theu, when all are unani- mous in admiration of his excellencies, none can tell hozc those excellencies were attained, or in ichat manner they were exerted. We suffer the effusions of wit, the corruscations of genius, and the flashes of convivial hilarity, Xll which proceed from men of acknowledged emi- nence, to escape us daily, without noting, them down, or without even seriously committing them to memory ; and yet when that individual has ceased to breathe, and when the events of his life become an object of curiosity to the world, we endeavour in vain to recall those quotidian beauties, which vanity, envy, or negligence impelled us at the time to disregard. The truth of these observations was never more fully established than in the object of the present memoir. He was a man who had, for a series of years, been a popular and admired comedian ; who had introduced al- most a new species of amusement into our provincial towns ; who had mingled with all the eminent wits of his time, and who him- self most assuredly possessed no inconsider- able share of that fascinating quality. Yet, all we now know of him amounts to little more than a bare collection of dates, with a few of those occurrences of his life, which industry and application have been successful in collecting. These, however, scanty as they are, shall be laid before the public, and they Xlll will, perhaps, be found sufficient to elucidate at least the more prominent traits of his character. Charles Lee Lewes, like most other of the children of genius, could boast no splendid pedigree, or pomp of heraldry; his father was a hosier, who resided during many years in Bond-street, and who likewise officiated in the capacity of a letter-carrier in the Post- office. In this last humble duty, young Lewes frequently assisted him; and his constitutional liveliness and activity soon occasioned him to be noticed by various persons of distinction in the neighbourhood. This too was an acqui- sition, which afterwards proved of essential ser- vice to him ; for those early patrons of his youth extended their countenance towards him after his appearance upon the stage. The servile drudgery of business was a thing that he could never cordially enter into ; an antipathy which probably arose at first from his early partiality for theatrical amusements. This inclination towards the stage was con- siderably increased by the applauses which he received, while he belonged to a spouting club ; one of those pests of the metropolis^ XIV those nurseries of vice, which the interests of morality require should be abolished. Having, like most other infatuated young men, been strongly impressed with the idea of his own excellence, he adopted the resolution of join- ing himself to a strolling company; a reso- lution which is but too frequently the con- sequence of becoming members of those so- cieties. But those who rashly act thus, have little apprehension of the complicated evils which they entail upon themselves ; they view the profession of an actor through the delusive medium of its exterior appearance ; they think of nothing but applauses, patronage, and wealth, without once giving a moment's re- flection on the vicissitudes they incur, and the privations they are about to sustain. It is not until they have felt the evils of hunger, anxiety, ceaseless labour, general contempt wherever they go, persecution from petty ma- gistrates, and worse persecution from more petty managers, that they reluctantly confess the wretchedness of the life they have adopted, and execrate the moment when they first at- tempted to pourtray the excellencies of scenic XV exhibition. It is no objection to this general picture, to revert to the well-earned fame and wealth of a Kemble, a Siddons, a Bannister, &c. there may be -a few who emerge from the thorny path of itinerant acting; but the ma- jority tread it, painfully tread it, all their lives; and even those who do flourish beneath the genial approbation of a London audience, would be willing to confess, that their present ease barely repays the former toil and mi- sery. Mr. Lee Lewes however, after experiencing for a few years the vicissitudes of this life, entered into an engagement v\ ith the Manager of Covent Garden Theatre, where he was principally employed as a Harlequin, but pos- sessing a good figure,, he frequently performed trifling parts in plays, such as Burgundy in King Lear, &c. 8cc. Upon the death of M. Dyer, he immediately succeeded to most of the parts played by that actor; and here probably he might have remained, when accident, which frequently elicits those sparks of genius, which would otherwise have remained dormant, proved of essential advantage to our young XVI candidate for theatrical fame ; and not only rendered him an object of considerable im- portance to the Manager, but firmly esta- blished him in the favour and opinion of the public. When Dr. Goldsmith's excellent comedy of u She Stoops to Conquer/' was put into re- hearsal, a considerable difficulty occurred in casting the characters ; for Colman, and several other supposed competent judges, decidedly predicted its failure. In consequence of this, some of the popular actors were unwilling to appear in it, impressed as they were with an idea, that this play would inevitably experience damnation. It has indeed been confidently said, that the part of Young Marlow was in- tended for Mr. Smith, but that he absolutely refused to play this character. It is not here the place to animadvert upon this subject; or else, much might be said on the manifest im- propriety of it ; and authors labour indeed under a lamentable tyranny, if actors are al- lowed to refuse characters, drawn perhaps ex- pressly for them, merely because they or their friends think the play will not succeed! XVI 1 Whether however such was the case or not, Dr. Goldsmith entrusted ttie performance of this character to Lee Lewes ; and to his suc- cess in it may be ascribed all his future emi- nence and celebrity. The Doctor himself was so thoroughly satisfied with his performance of it, that he wrote him the following Epilogue, which he spoke in the character of Harlequin at his benefit. " Hold, Prompter, hold ! a word before your non- sence I'd speak a word or two two ease my conscience 5 My pride forbids it ever should be said My heels eclips'd the honours of my head ; That I found humour in a pye-ball'd vest, Or ever thought that jumping was a jest. [Takes off his mask. Whence and what art thou, visionary birth ? Nature disowns, and Reason scorns thy mirth. In thy black aspect every passion sleeps, The joy that dimples, and the woe that weeps 5 How hast thou rill'd the scene with all thy brood Of fools pursuing, and of fools pursu'd ! Whose inns and outs no ray of sense discloses 5 Whose only plot it is to break our noses 3 XV111 Whilst from below the trap -door demons rise, And from above the dangling deities. And shall I mix in this unhallow'd crew ? May rosin'd lightning blast me if I do ! No — I will act j I'll vindicate the Stage $ Shakespeare himself shall feel my tragic rage. Off! off! vile trappings ! a new passion reigns ! The mad'ning monarch revels in my veins ! Oh ! for a Richard's voice to catch the theme !— Give me another ! bind up my wounds !— Soft — 'twas but a dream !— Aye, 'twas but a dream, for nonv there's no retreating j If J cease Harlequin I cease f t ">*n eating *. 'Twas thus that ,/Esop's stag, a creature blameless, Yet something vain, like one that shall be nameless f 5 Once on the margin of a founuin stood, And cavill'd at his image ir> the £ cd : € The deuce confound,' he cries, * these drum-stick shanks ! ■ They neither have my gratitude nor thanks : * From this line it would appear, that Lee Lewes him- self considered his abilities as of a very small extent, and that he did not aspire to any thing very eminent. t It may be shrewdly suspected, that our Author here alludes rather strongly to the well-known vanity of David Garrick, who was at that time in the zenith of his popu- larity. XIX * They're perfectly disgraceful ! strike me dead ! c But for a head ! — yes, yes, I have a head. w 1 How piercing is that eye ! how sleek that brow ! c My horns ! — I'm told horns are the fashion now V Whilst thus he spoke, astonish'd to his view, Near and more near the hounds and huntsmen drew. Hoicks ! hark forward ! came thund'ring from behind j He bounds aloft, outstrips the fleeting wind ; He quits the woods, and tries the beaten ways 5 He starts, he pants, he fakes the circling maze. At length his silly head, so prizM before, Is taught his former folly to deplore ; Whilst his strong limbs conspire to set him free, And at one bound he saves himself— like me." [Taking a jump through the stage ^door, In April, 1776, Woodward died, which opened another road to preferment for our hero. Dashwood, in Know your' own Mind, was originally intended for Woodward, but it now fell to Lee Lewes, and the play had a considerable run. Unfortunately he was not proof against the inroads of vanity, and car- ried away by the strong tide of success which now ensued, he fancied himself in possession of every superior accomplishment. He fed his own importance to a degree, which neither XX prudence could justify, nor experience corro- borate. From hence a difference arose be- tween him and the Manager ; in consequence of which, he seceded from the Theatre. In 1783, however, he obtained a situation at Drury-lane; but his popularity being on the decline, his stay there was but of short duration. About this period John Palmer opened the Royalty Theatre, and Lee Lewes assisted him by delivering Steevens' Lecture on Heads, altered by his friend Pilon. But the whole of this scheme was soon abandoned, and our hero then went with his family to the East Indies, with the intent of performing there those Sketches, which form the subject of the present work. In this, however, he was com- pletely disappointed ; for, upon his arrival at Calcutta, the Commander in Chief (Lord Corn- wallis) forbad him to commence any represen- tations, but at the same time, to alleviate the pecuniary distress, which he knew this inter- diction would occasion, he very generously made him a present of a handsome sum of money. The whole of this circumstance is detailed by Lee Lewes himself in the following XXI pages; where also will be found the* letters that passed between him and the Governor's Secretary, which are now first printed from the originals in the possession of the pub- lisher of this volume. Finding that he could not put his plan in execution, he returned to England, and joined Messrs. John and Robert Palmer, and the late Mr Wilson, in a theatrical tour through Scot- land. He also performed in Dublin, and oc- casionally in most of the principal theatres in England. During the years 1792 and 1793, he took a tolerably extensive range of characters at the Edinburgh Theatre; and we find him thus mentioned in an occasional prologue, which Palmer spoke at the Assembly Rooms in Thistle St. Edinburgh, to an entertainment called a Comic Salmagundi^ written by An- thony Pasquin : " Two cooks within — Lee Lewes and my brother. Like chiefs, are labVing to outvie each other $ Dish upon dish those purveyors have got, To serve, like Doily's beef-steaks, hot and hot $ • • XX11 With each a bonne boucbe, by the Muses grac'd, To gratify — they cannot mend your taste. Instead of tarts, with salutary zest, They'll give you epigram and harmless jest."** The principal characters he performed while at Edinburgh in 1793, were Goldfinch in the " Road to Ruin/' Old Manley, Polonius, Sir Anthony Absolute, in the Rivals, &c. &c. This year also he became joint Manager of the Dundee Theatre, with the Palmers and Wil- son, where he played Horatio in Hamlet, while the elder Palmer personified the Royal Dane. On the death of his friend Palmer, he again endeavoured to obtain an engagement in Lon- don, but his application failed; for to every one, except himself, was the decay of his powers strikingly obvious. It was the constant weakness of this per- former to over-rate, beyond all conception, his own abilities. It is pretty generally known, that at a time w hen his embarrassments were exces- sive, owing to his great imprudence, which he could never overcome, he absolutely rejected XX111 a very handsome and liberal offer from Mr. Harris, because he thought that nothing less than the highest salary in the theatre was com- mensurate to his vast abilities. — It is always to be regretted, when we behold real talent and abilities sullied by an overweening pride or vanity; but how much more is it cul- pable and disgusting, w hen we behold very mo- derate acquisitions so strongly mingled with the same base alloy. We come now to his last appearance on a public stage. This event took place at Covent Garden Theatre on the 24th of June, 1803, for his own benefit, having obtained the use of the house from Mr. Harris, and the gratuitous services of several distinguished performers. But he lived only a few weeks to enjoy the fruits of this liberal assistance. On the 23d of July, having passed the preceding evening, apparently in good health, with some intimate friends, he w as found dead in his bed. Thus he closed his mortal career in the sixty- third year of his age ! He was buried at Pen- tonville, his funeral being attended only by a few of his relatives. # ■ XXIV It was not until Mr. Lewis, the present eminent comedian of Covent Garden Theatre, was engaged at that house, that our hero made that addition to his sirname, which distin- guishes the two performers. He was chris- tened Charles Lee Lewes, the name of Lee being given to him at the request of one of his godfathers, Mr. Lee, a relative of the Earl of Litchfield. Mr. Lee Lewes was three times married. By his first wife, whose name was Hussey, he had several children, of whom two daughters are still living. The eldest was married to Wilson the actor ; but the youngest continued with her father. The mother, who had a little patrimony of her own, well knowing the im- prudent habits of her husband, left it to her children in such a manner, as that he could have no controul over it. His second wife was the daughter of a respectable innkeeper at Liverpool, named Rigley. By this lady also he had several children. There are two sons alive, who inherit from their mother a very con- siderable property. Of the name, family, and circumstances of his third wife, the writer of XXV tiiis memoir has not been able to obtain any satisfactory intelligence; they must therefore remain in obscurity unless some more fortunate researches should bring them to light. Such is the scanty intelligence, which in- dustry has been enabled to collect, relative to the life of this once celebrated man. It is to be regretted that it is not more ample ; but, perhaps, the enquiries of others, may yet re- veal various circumstances respecting him, tending to display his character more fully, and to unfold more at large his progressive exertions in his professional department. His manners were lively and interesting; and in no company, where he was, could the guests complain of dulness. Indeed it may be very fairly presumed, that he possessed great constitutional vivaciousness ; for the Sketches which form the subject of the pre- sent volume, and which he delivered himself, required no inconsiderable share of humour to procure the n that applause which they every where met with. It is one of those arduous tasks which conscious genius alone can under- take, to furnish amusement to a company b XXVI solely by our own exertions ; and this task, ft appears, Mr. Lee Lewes performed with great eclat to himself. The exertion must have been great, and the habitual liveliness of the individual excessive, to catch with spirit every minute shade and almost evanescent colouring on which the whole effect of a thing some- times depends. As a writer, little can be said of him. But he appears to great advantage in the following work. None but those who have attempted it, can properly appreciate the difficulty of writing a facetious tale, so as to lose none of its volatile excellence. It would be a much easier task to compose an Essay like the Rambler, a Biography, or a Critical Disser- tation, (supposing the writer to be previously acquainted with the rules of his art,) than to narrate with characteristic and effective airiness and levity, such light and minute trifles as are many of those which compose the following pages ; and none, I believe, will be found who, after perusing them, will be willing to deny to Lee Lewes, the merit of having hit them off with great vigour and facility. INTRODUCTION " What k more fitting than that Folly should be the trumpeter of her own fame, and dance after her own pipe V ' * E r a s m us. In this age of folly and fashion, it is no wonder that I, who have been all my life the devotee of folly, should think myself entitled to per- form a principal character in one of her temples, and thus be one of her humble instruments of public entertainment. I have ranged over the North, the South, the West, and have even visited the East, where, but for the folly of my plan, I might have returned a Nabob, But I do not repine. The approbation of the public is now all the wealth I seek ; and if I have another wish, it is, that I may never want the means or ability to attain this, the sole object of my ambition. b2 TO PERFORMERS IN GENERAL Gentlemen, THE following matter is neces- sarily arranged as a series of miscellaneous' subjects, and not as a regular system. The person intending to recite them as an enter- tainment, can therefore select and arrange them according to his own pleasure, and agreeably to the nature of the performance he thinks may best suit his own talents, and the taste of his expected auditors. I must allow that an apparatus will consi- derably assist the performance. But this must be left to the choice or convenience of the actor. You will, Gentlemen, find in this work, some subjects you may have heard from that XXIX very ingenious gentleman, Mr. Collins. Seeing the possibility so completely and successfully embraced in the entertainment of the Brush, suggested to me, I must confess, the idea of forming myself a performance that might be given without an apparatus., And here candour must allow, that Mr. Collins, in his original matter, I mean his songs, has displayed a considerable degree of genius and judgement. His old stories were well brushed up, and well told. But Mr. Collins has too much modesty to claim any merit a c such stories being original. He, however, deserves the praise of having grafted them like an experienced theatrical gardener, on his own stock. Nor is he to be reminded, for he must know, and we all know who can remember the period, that they have, thirty- years ago, culled the muscle of many of us barn-luminating, county-brushing, hoof-beat- ing heroes after fame. Mr. Collins will, there- fore, not be surprised by seeing, in the follow- ing work, some of them told or grafted in my way. You are, Gentlemen, too well acquainted B3 XXX with the selfishness, ignorance, and tyranny of most country managers; that they often pre- clude from their companies, men of real talents and experience, from their not being content as managers, without being also, Gnatho like, omnium scenarumhomo, and strut- ting mira socci ! grandesque cothurni ! In a word, the Comic Sketches, I flatter myself, will relieve you when oppressed by such fungus excrescencies of stage royalty. ADDRESS TO THE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, Residents in Calcutta, at the Period 1788. Ladies and Gentlemen, WHEN my fortunes led me into Asia for the purpose of exercising my pro- fessional talents, the following unexpected in- terdiction introduced me to your most kind and friendly protection. I arrived in Calcutta on the 26th Jiuy, 1788; on the 28th, I re- ceived the following polite note from Mr. Hay, Secretary to the Governor General. " Mr. Hay presents his compliments to Mr. Lewis, and begs the favour of his atten- dance at the Council House to-morrow morn- XXXll ing at 9 o clock, or at any other hour that may be more convenient to him." " Monday, 28th July, 1788/' I attended, when Mr. Hay, in the tenderest manner, and with real concern, .signified to me, that I must not give any public perform- ance in the settlement, and that I must return to Europe in the same ship I came out in. To which I bowed my assent ; and although a bond on my part was necessary and usual on such occasions, Mr. Hay most politely dis- pensed with that part of the ceremony, and told me, my promise was sufficient. In a few days after, my good friend, the late Major Skelly, delivered a memorial from me to Lord Cornwallis, to which I received the an- nexed answer. u Government House, " Sir, Aug. 9, 1788. " Lord Cornwallis has received your memorial; and in answer to it, his Lordship has directed me to say, that it gives him great concern to disappoint your hopes of accom- plishing the objects of your voyage to this \xxni country ; but as you have come to India with- out leave from the Court of Directors, the duty of his station obliges him to forbid your making any public professional exhibition whatever in this settlement. His Lordship has desired me to add, that he feels exceedingly for the distress which you must suffer, from the step which you have so imprudently taken, and lie requests that you will accept of the en- closed draft upon his Agent for one thousand Rupees, to relieve, in some degree, the exi- gencies of your present situation. " I am, Sir, u Your most obedient and " humble Servant, " HENRY HALDANE, " Priv. Sec. to the Governor General." Mr. Charles Lee Lewes* To this I replied, * Sir, " I am this moment' honoured with your letter, conveying to me my Lord Cornwal- XXXIV iis's orders that 1 should not make any public pro- fessional exhibition whatever in the settlement, to which you will be pleased to signify my submission. iC I have, at the same time, received a draft on his Lordship's Agent for Sa. Rs. 1000, for which I request, through you, Sir, to offer my humble and most hearty acknowledge- ments. " I have the honour to be, with respect, « Sir, " Your most obedient u and most humble Servant/' This was a severe stroke to me, attributable only to myself; but I very soon forgot to lament my own personal inconvenience, in the never- ceasing kindness of the whole settlement, and other private considerations of the Governor General, independent of his noble present of one thousand Rupees. And for which, per- mit me, Ladies and Gentlemen, to assure you, and the Noble Marquis, that, however lime may weaken my frame, it can never lessen the vigour of my gratitude, XXXV Some of the stories in the following pages, your partiality has inclined me to think, in some degree, contributed to enliven your hos- pitable and festive circles. My story of Lord Orrery and Garrick, has, I see, been most terribly mutilated in some magazines. I call it my story ; for though the late Mr. Henderson made a most excellent oral composition of it, it never was committed to print before, as in the annexed pages. If the following whimsies can afford any entertainment in the closet, give me leave, Ladies and Gentlemen, in this shape to intro- duce myself ; and if those of my friends who may still remain in Calcutta, will be so indul- gent as to take me by the hand in this manner, I shall, in idea, once more revisit the delightful and happy regions of Bengal. I have the honour to remain, Ladies and Gentlemen, \ouy most obliged, and obedient Servant, CHARLES LEE LEWIS COMIC SKETCHES, &c. FIRST PART. Of all the human faculties, none is more useful, admirable, and excellent, than speech. How noble is it, therefore, to exert, in a superior style, that faculty which is the glory of our nature, and which was given to us for the efTential service of ourselves and so* ciety ! Wherever the liberal sciences have been cherished, the art of speaking has al- ways been cultivated with peculiar care, en- couraged with honours the moft distinguished, and rewarded with emoluments the molt con. siderable. Reviewing the state of eloquence in thes kingdoms, we find this eminent perfection of our nature in a rapid state of decline, from neglecting to cultivate the voice in our early years. B How unfavourably mull British eloquence appear, and how far distant from improvement must it be found, by those who recollect the manner in which our youth are taught to read ! In moral books, many words that should never be spoken but with the most respectful tone of voice and demeanour, are, by the old women of our village, and even our city seminaries, suffered to be banged, thumbed, and knocked about, six or seven times a day, without the least reverence or regard. One little boy begins thus, in a bible with torn leaves and broken cover — " And Har- bonah — one of the king's chamberlains— said to the king — behold also the gallows — fifty cubits high — which Haman had made for Mordecai — standing in the house of Haman — Then the king said — hang him thereon *." Another follows, in this manner : " Verse the tenth — So they hanged — Haman — on the — gallows — that he — had prepared — for Mor- decai — then was — the — king's wrath pacified." * Esther, chap. vii. ver; 9 and io« 3 Thus poor Mordecai and Hainan — Haman and Mordecai, are hummed and hawed, and jumbled together with as littlp propriety of accent or emphasis as if hapless Haman was but just executed, and these little children were employed to cry his dying speech. A Frenchman passing the door of one of these erudite seminaries, and stopping to listen, pursed up his face, and, with a shrug of con* tempt, exclaimed " Ah, pauvres miserables ! Be gar — dey sing like nutting at all." What a reflection was this ? The French- man having no idea of their being thus learned to read, very naturally supposed, from the tone of their voice, they were attempting to sing, and therefore very justly exclaimed, " Ah! Pauvres miserables," &c. &c. Is it not surprising that a sensible man, who can talk on many subjects with such propriety as to delight his hearers, is very fre- quently heard to read a news-paper in a tone £ 2 4 of voice less modulated, if possible, than the sound of a six -penny drum from the stroke of an infant. For instance, suppose he met with the fol- lowing paragraph : " Last night, after eating an hearty supper, died suddenly, with his mouth full of custard, Sir Timothy Tradewell, knight, an amiable companion, an affectionate relation, and a friend to the poor." He would read it in this manner, M Last night after, eating a hearty supper DIED, suddenly with his mouth, full of cus- tard Sir Timothy, Tradewell knight an amiable, companion an affectionate, RELATION, and friend to THE poor." It is strange he cannot read as he speaks. How awkward and ridiculous would a person appear coming into a room, and thus saluting the company : 44 Your servant, Capt. Wilson. I hope Mrs. Wilson is very well. How do you do, Mr. What-d'ye-caU'em — I hope Mrs. What- d'ye-call'em is very well — and Master and Miss What-d'ye-caU'em, and all the young What-d'ye-call-'ems?" Would not this appear very absurd and ridiculous ? And if it does in speaking, why not in reading ? There is another fault very frequently committed in reading, which is considerably worse than what is committed by the greatest of monotonists. This is being so fond of musical sounds, that every thing attempted to be read is in the recitative of a Spanifh re- lator *. Or else they approach very near the doleful ditty of Chevy Chace, or the Spanish Lady. As a specimen : " As near a barn, by hunger led, A peacock with the poultry fed $ All view'd him with an envious eye, Ti ti-tum-ti Ti-ti-tum-ti." The Bathologist is another, who commits as great an impropriety of speech. The most * In Spain there are persons who relate long stories in recitative, accompanied by the guittar. B 3 trivial subjects he delivers with all the dignity and consequence of the most important and elevated. Such a character always reminds me of a person rehearsing the tragedy of Tom Thumb. This ridiculous affectation, although it seems a burlesque upon language, was, perhaps, assumed at first to give energy to the dignified, and solemnity to the serious passages of an author. But using it injudi- ciously has perverted the intention, degraded the author, and exposed to derision the bom- bastic speaker. It is, therefore, to be lamented, that from the too frequent repetition of such an abuse, it is now become so habitual, that we -find it exerted indiscriminately on every occasion. An Example : Thus when a barber and a collier fight, The barber beats the luckless collier — "white ; The dusty collier heaves his pondVous sack, And, big with vengeance, beats the barber — black. In comes the brick-dust man, with grime o'erspread, And beats the collier and the barber— red. Black., red, and white in various clouds are toss'd, And in the dust they raise, the combatants are lost. Without knowing the rules of either rhetoric or grammar, these evils may be remedied by observing as follows : 1st. Let every person learn to read with the same tone of voice as in speaking. 2dly. Be careful to observe the accent of syllables, and the emphasis upon words. As the emphasis is the most important and the most frequently mistaken, the necessity of observing it with the most strict attention is exemplified by the various changes of it in the following sentence : 44 I must walk up that hill." These six words admit of six different senses, which are each .expressed by altering the place of the emphasis. Should it be asked, 44 J v ko must walk up that hill?" The answer relating to the person, the emphasis must be placed on the pronoun, which is the first syllable in this sentence, as, 44 / must walk up that hill." Should the reason be asked of walking up the hill, the emphasis must be on the aux- iliary verb, expressing that you are obliged B 4 8 to walk up the hill. The second word, is, therefore, made emphatkral, as, " I must walk up that Hill." Should the manner be asked of going up the hill, the emphasis must be on the verb, or third word, as, 18 I mustwtf/£ up that hlH. ,Ji Should the way you mean to walk upon the hill, be asked, the emphasis is on the adverb, or fourth word, as, 41 I must walk up that hill." Should it be asked which hill, the emphasis is on the preposition, or fifth word, as, " I must walk up that hill." Should it be asked where you must walk, the emphasis is on the noun or sixth syllable, as, 88 I must walk up that />///." Thus, the chief propriety of speaking, depends on the accuracy of emphasis ; for it it be improperly placed, it produces a worse effect than if each word was pronounced alike ; for monotony only obscures the sense, while it is entirely perverted by erroneous emphasis. In all questions, the interrogative word is pronounced with a peculiar emphatical energy. To explain this properly, I can take no happier method than my present situation prompts me to ask and answer. Who am I before ? My hopes flatter me, a candid and generous audience. What am I doing ? Craving their indulgence. Hozv fhall I deserve it ? By pleasing my hearers. When may I accomplish that end ? As the question when is generally answered by ajnother when ; it would be presumptive in me to fix the period. I therefore most respectfully leave it to your judgement and my own endeavours. But if I come to my last position and ask, " Where *m\Y' I easily observe, I am, where even an au tempt to please cannot be entirely disre* garded. B5 m Inconsiderable as points and stops may, to some, appear, they are so essential that nothing can be written or read intelligibly without their assistance. Amazing as it may be thought, it is a certain fact, that the unfortunate King Edward the Second fell a victim to the artifice of placing a comma in the sentence of " Edwardum occidere nolite, timere bonum est.** which his cruel Queen, with whom he was at variance, sent to the keeper of his prison. In this sanguinary act, she was assisted by that pestilent Architophel, the Bishop of Here- ford, who devised a letter to his keepers, Sir T. Gurney and Sir J. Mattrevers, blaming them for giving him too much liberty and not performing the service expected from them. At the end of this letter was the above fatal sentence, which I have translated into the fol- lowing couplet, for the purpofe of explaining ray observation. " To shed King Edward's blood, Refuse to fear 5 I count it good." 11 ' The manner in which the artful prelate pointed the sentence was by placing the comma after iimere instead of nolite, as, " Edwardum occidere nolite timere, bonum est/' Had the comma been placed after nolite, or after refuse, the sense would have been, To shed King Edward's blood Refuse, I count it good. Thus would the keeper have been commanded not to kill the King. But the comma being murderously placed after the infinitive verb timere^ to fear, the sense expressed was, Tot shed King Edward's blood Refuse to fear. The murder seemed, therefore, to be com- manded with a kind of indemnity, as ex- pressed in bonum eft, or it' is good ; for by this artful punctuation, the last portion of the sense deems the action meritorious. And as B 6 12 the clergy then possessed the greatest influence over the opinions of the people, such a sen- timent, avowed by a bishop, divested the act of this regicide of all its atrocity in the mind of the keeper. All conscientious scruples being thus re- moved, the unfortunate King fell a most pitiable victim to the vengeance of his Queen, and the ambition of the Bifliop. Another instance of the power of punctu- ation I have to adduce, and which evinces to what evil purposes learning may be applied when possessed by men of desperate tempers, and vile inclinations. A Bishop of Asello ordered this inscription to be engraved over his gate : " Porta patens esto, nulli claudaris honesto." u Gate be open, and not shut to any honest man." But the comma being placed after nulli 9 in- stead of esto, the sense was thus perverted, w Gate be open to none, but shut to an honest man." This outrage upon the worthiest part of society caused the Bishop to lose his bishop- is rick, although he artfully pleaded, in his de-* fence, that it was the mistake of the painter. The art of punctuation having such es- sential power in discriminating the meaning of a sentence, let every person study their use, and never forget that a single comma occasioned the murder of a king and the loss of a bishoprick. Our language has only five vowels, and yet they are frequently found useless in words which contain them. T, O, N, G, U, E is called " Tung: 1 And such is the force of custom, that a person would appear ridiculous who should give this word any other pronunciation. But were I to call Lingua, which is Latin for the Tongue, Ling, I should be thought a great blockhead. Can any thing be more absurd than P, L, A, G, U, E spelling Plague ? For taking two letters from it, it becomes a word of two syllables, and spells ague. This caused Voltaire, when he learned 14 English, to be so enraged at the settlers of our language, that he wished the ague had one half and the plague the other. There are many words spelt exactly alike, which are differently pronounced. For inftanee, A Bow, to shoot with; Bow, to bend or make a bow. Close, near at hand; Close, to shut np. Job, a man's name ; Job of work. Minute, part of an- hour ; Minute, or small. We have also many words pronounced exactly alike, which are entirely different in their meaning ; as The soul of a man, The soal of a shoe, and The fish called a sole, are all indiscriminately pronounced alike. But to shew our partiality to Jacks, we have made a Jack to pull off boots, Jack to roast meat, Jack to hoist weights, Jack a pint measure, Jack that dances on the keys of an harpsicord. 15 V Then we have a Fish called a Jack, And a beast called a Jack. You'll find also, A Jack-ketch in London, A Jack-daw in the country, And a Jack-pudding every where* The Lion has his Jack-all in the forest. The Bowler has his Jack upon the green. And the Gamester has his Jack upon the cards. You may add to these- — A Jack twisted on the sprit sail top head, A Smoak Jack, A Jack-a-napes, A Jack of all trades, A Jack-a-dandy, A Jack-a-styles, And a Jack-a-lanthorn. But to prevent this subject playing the Will O'th'whisp, and leading me intoan error, I shall leave the family of the Jacks, whic^ are as numerous in this kingdom as the family of the Staffs mentioned by Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq.- the family of the Wrongheads, the Oes of Ireland, or the Macs of Scotland. 16 But of what can we accuse the letter H, to justify the contempt with which it is treated ? The pedant calls authority, autority. I know he will tell me it is of Greek origin. But as we are speaking English, and not Greek, we should admit the word to all the privileges of naturalization. Such as call authority, autority, might as well call beldam — bell-weather ; for it is derived from the French, in which language it signifies a fine lady, and in English, an old hag. A boy at school, reading his lesson to his master, came to the word Honour; the boy pronounced the H. The master asked — "Honour? What's Honour? The word is Onour." " La!" said the Tad, "don't it begin with an H ?" " What if it does ?" said the master. — *' You blockhead, don't you know that H is no letter?" v The next morning, the master wanting a muffin toasted, gave it to the boy and bid him heat it. The boy went to the fire-side, but \ 17 made better use of his time ; for when the master called, and asked— -" Is the muffin done ?" " Done, Sir ?" answered the sly rogue, il I have done as you bid me." " Well, Sir, where is the muffin ?" " La, Sir, I have eat it, as you bid me.' ' " Why, you little villain !" exclaimed the master, " I ordered you to heat it." " Yes, Sir," answered the boy ; " but you know, you told me the H was no letter." & Pi favourite author observes, " From Monkish ignorance the land was freed, And even country school-masters could read." This is an oblique insinuation, that very few can read at present. But however this may be verified on this side of the water, it is quite different in our sister kingdom. For there the masters are all men of the most consummate erudition. The following is an instance. 18 Father M'Tutor'em, of the parish of O'Prosody, in the county of Docemus, sits himself down the monarch of a shed, to teach the little puny whipsters the Christ-cross-row, so as to make the most lasting impression. He has all the little fry for five miles round, whose fathers can afford to give five coppers a week for their education. There was a little Dermot, little Phelim, Terence M'Bluderoch, and Paddy O'Drog- heda, &c. &c. Father M'Tutor'em called, in this manner, upon the last new comer, who, be it known, knew as much of the alphabet as he did of the longitude. " You little O'Shocknessey, come hither with yourself. Bring your primmer in your hand, and your coppers in your fist. Blow your nose, and hold up your head like a man. Arrah ! don't be hunting after the flies across the ceiling ; but cock your eye and look strait at your book ; that you may shoot every word flying. " You see that letter that looks, for all the world, like the gabel end of your father's to cabin, with a beam across the middle of ft : that is called A — agusee A; and that letter, the next door neighbour, is namesake to the little gentleman that sucks the flowers, fills the honey pots, and carries a damn'd long sting in his tail; that is Mr. B. and B stands forblubberlip. Arrah now, what makes you pout out your lip so ? Tuck in the selvage of of your mouth, blow your nose, and hold up your head like a man. The next is, for all the world, like the sign of the half-moon, where Judy Mac Gluthery sells whiskey; and that is called C, and C stands for Cobler, or Coblers. And you see the next, that is, for all the world, like the broken handle of a pair of snuffers ; and that is called D, and D stands for Daughter ; agusee Cobler's Daughter ; agusee, Blubberlip Cobler's Daughter. And that next is called E ; which the English flats, bodderation to 'em, call E E, as if there were two of them. By my conscience, they might as well say cheek handerchief, instead of check handker- chief, though it was only made for the nose — That's true! Blow your nose once more. 20 And that next you see, that's like a gibbet, with a little plug half way up, for the hang, man to put his foot on. Heaven bless you, my dear, and keep your mother's child from the like of it my jewel. That is called F; and F stands for five. Arrah, now, and what's the next letter to F?" " I don't know." " Arrah, now, why don't you know ?" I " Becase I can't tell." " Now you do know, and you can tell. Arrah ! what does the Carman say, when he wants his horses to go faster ?" " Gee." " To be sure : and that's the letter G. And if any body should ask you which of your hands goes barefoot for want of a glove, you may say H, which is the same as both ; and H stands for Horse, or Horses, and I stands for Jockies. Now, my little fellow, agusee Blubberlip, Cobler's Daughter eat up five gingerbread horse-jockies, boots, spurs, whips, buckskin breeches and all. Mercy on us ! What a devil of a twist ! M Now I've taught you one third of your ffi 7 ,„v,f « COMEDIAN w~eJ, liibluhd b\ v KQ.Symanl*. M*y *M*> 21 lesson, and I'll teach you the other two halvei when you have knocked that under your skull-cap. And then, my jewel, I'll tell you how to spell. Arrah, but spelling is reading itself, my dear honey; for instance now, in the word Constantinople, which, I believe, if my recollection don't fail me, is that great city, my dear, of which Turkey is the me- tropolis, where the Grand Turk keeps a whole regiment of Januaries, who, mercy on us, are devils of fellows at a March. But you'll know more of these things by and by, when you read history, my little fellow. You'll find also, if the Turks have their Januaries, the Romans had their Decembers, and their Augusts, and their July Caesars, But now to spell the word Constantinople, my dear. C, O, N, Con — that's the Con; S, T, A, N, stan— that's the stan, and the Constan ; T, 1, // — that's the //, and the stanti, and the Constant!; N, O, no — that's the no, and the tino, and the stantino, and the Constan- tino ; P, L, E — that's the pie, and the nople-y and the tinople, and the stantinople, and the Constantinople* Now run home with your- 22 self, before the spallfeens and the cooghorm eat up the prateesand butter-milk, my jewel. " Where's your manners? Make your bow, Oh, you will be a Clargy one of thefe days!" LANGUAGE. One great cause of the English language having never been reduced to a standard, arises from a set of rhyming or lisping gentry, whom we may very justly call, Word-clippers. The legislature, having most carefully pro- vided for the preservation of the game, would serve their country much more essentially, were they to devise some punishment that would restrain fuch as, from caprice or for the purpose of rhyme, rob and defpoil their own mother-tongue of its chief beauty and orna- ment. Should they not be tried on the Co- ventry Act for maiming and defacing ? 23 Another set of language debasers are Lispers, Stammerers, and Snufflers : but as these are generally such as owe their re* spective impediments to nature rather than to inclination, let us content ourselves with smiling at their laughable distortion of lan- guage, without consigning them to the pu- nishment of the Word-clippers. The Stammerer beats a tat-too of an hour long upon a single monosyllable, while he contracts his mouth into as many forms as if he had swallowed an alum posset ; and it is, with the greatest difficulty, he can tell you his name is — Tom Handy. The Lisper is the reverse of the other; for the Stammerer has so great an anti- tipathy to the letters T. H. that he never uses them. But the Lisper, on the contrary, is so attached to them that he adopts them on all occasions ; for he will fay, " Where the sweet honey-suckle grew apace, The whisp'ring breezes softly fann'd her face." The Snuffler is very improperly called a speaker through his nose; for speaking 24 through the nose is giving the breath its free passage, and speaking as we ought. I'll give you an ocular and auricular proof of it. " On Thursday laft a mad-bull ran into a dancing school near Puddle Dock ; one of the young ladies having more courage than the rest, threw a cambrick handkerchief in his face ; but it didn't hurt him much." By putting on a pair of spectacles, you will perceive I snuffle, which demonstrates that this tone or snuffling proceeds from an affected or natural contraction or obstruction of the olfactory nerves in the nasal passage. A speech delivered with an improper ca- dence, grates upon the ear like the sharpening of knives, or the delectable serenade of cats, calling with their untunable bagpipes, the neighbouring mouse-hunters to their midnight revels. What can be more ridiculous than to hear a player, with a deep base voice, adapted only for Caliban in the Tempest, attempt 25 the part of a lover, and deliver himself thus — " O let me gently sigh my soul away/' Or any, with a squeaking voice only proper to cry pancakes or diddle dumplins ho ! scream out in the martial Macbeth, " What man dare, I dare. Approach thou like the rugged Russian bear." When, if his soul were as effeminate as his voice, he would tremble at the approach of a puppy dog. A few years ago, I went to Drury Lane Theatre, to see a play, called the Rehearsal. It being the Lord Mayor's day, the person that should have performed the part of the Bold Thunder was dining at Guildhall, where the glass was pushed about with such alacrity, that Jove's Bold Thunder was almost sunk into silence by the enchanting effluvia of his Lordship's nectar, or, to be more explicit, he was downright I must not say drunk, les: I should incur the censure of being vulgar — c 26 especially as there are so many words to ex- press this fashionable vice more politely. For instance, The Beau would say he was, *- Hocus, Non se ipse, Elevated, Electrified, or, Non Compos Mentis." A Barber would say he was, " In the suds, or, Terribly cut " alluding to misfortunes that frequently befal him in his trade. But the rough honest Tar would talk about his being, " Half seas over, Across the line, Out of his latitude, Beside his reckoning " While others would say he had, " Bung'd his eye — Was knocked up — How came ye so — Had got his little hat on — Top-Heavy — Pot- Valiant — That he had been in the sun — That he was in for it — Very 27 much disguis'd — Clipp'd the King's English —Quite happy — Bosky—Fuddled — Muddled — Tipsy — Dizzy — Muzzy — Sucky — Rocky — Groggy — Blind as Chloe — Mops and Brooms," — and many other appellations too tedious to mention. But, for my part, I shall only say, he had drank more than nature re- quired. The Lady, who was to perform the part of the Brisk Lightning, was almost in the same predicament; for being very delicate and timorous, she was obliged to fortify herself with some cordial auxiliaries before she could appear before an audience with that confidence which is necessary. Dr. Hill's tincture of sage not being then in fashion, the tincture of juniper was taken for the same purpose. But taking, unfortunately, a spoon- ful more than the Doctor prescribed, she was disabled from performing her part with her usual propriety and discretion. In this condition they both went on the stage. Both the Lady and Gentleman mis- took their parts. She begun with her small treble pipe — G 9, 28 " I am the Bold Thunder." " If you are," said Boys, " it is a very distant clap." " The Brisk Lightning I/' said the man in a tone of voice resembling that of a large hungry mastiff growling over the cook-maid's kindness. Thus the Bold Thunder, which ought to have been roared out in a deep manly voice, was squeaked out in the tone of a guinea-pig. And the Brisk Lightning, which should have been spoken in a light quick voice, was growled out worse than the harmony of a duetto produced by the grunting of two hogs, the croaking of a raven, or the growling of a cracked string of a broken bass viol. The tone of the voice should vary with the subject. When the latter is grave or solemn, the voice should correspond in the Adagio, 29 and be also grave. But should mirth or laughter be meant to cheer the soul, the Al- legro or sprightly style should prevail. But an error in this correspondence of voice to subject is not so disgusting as hearing such tragedy stocks and stones as never felt a touch of the Promethean torch. Believe me, I have heard his crook-backed Majesty, Richard the Third, in the part of the battle in Bosworth Field, breath out revenge and slaughter in such a pretty, soft, lullaby strain, that you would have imagined he was walking in his sleep, and only dreamt of a battle — For instance: " Come forth my honest sword ! — Draw archers, draw your arrows to their head ; spur your proud horses hard, and ride in blood ; and thou our warlike Champion, thrice renowned, St. George, inspire me with the rage of lions ! Hark ! the shrill trumpet sounds — to horse ! — away — My soul's in arms, and eager for the fray!" Many would imagine, that a provincial c S 30 dialect would greatly embarrass ami Impede the progress of an actor in his profession. And yet there are many who, in defiance of this defect and advice of their friends, have the temerity to embark on the perilous seas of tragedy and comedy. I have really heard one of these knights of hardihood, a Northum- brian from beyond the banks of the Tyne, scour out his words with such an abominable Newcastle bur in his throat, and talk of pri- vileges and prerogatives , and the brave British troops that brought down the pride of France, that appeared as if he had swallowed a scrub- bing brush, and was labouring with all his might to bring it up again. As another remarkable instance of provin- cial dialect, I beg to relate what happened a few years ago at Poulton in the Fylde, in the wild parts of Lancashire. The story de- scended to me in its provincial dialect by a native who was present. There were five persons, the wise-heads of the town. They consisted of the Squire, the Exciseman, the Apothecary, the Lawyer, and the Curate, who held a deep consultation 31 whether a hedge-hog was an animal, a vege- table, an artificial, or a natural curiosity. First, the Lawyer defined it to be a thing Heaven never made, and as how, he had a great mind to serve it with " a copy df a stick:' The Exciseman, sticking his thumb in the ink-bottle, declared—" I canno' gage it — nQr I canno' gaum it; but for sure and sartin it must be somewhat— or somewhat else. 5 ' — The Apothecary, scratching his head, very sagaciously and significantly observed — % I count it to be a sort of a live thistle," The Squire asked Robin, the hostler, if he did not think it was a sort of a round-a-bout curry-comb. And the Parson, after downing his spec- tacles, and gloring at it for half an hour, ex- claimed, " Odsboddikins, for sure and sartin, it must be the devil's nutmeg- grater" Such was the profound consultation of these five wise men of Gotham, or rather of Poulton ; and such were their enquiries, that they ended just where they began* C 4 32 CORPOREAL ORATORY. A piece of Oratory, however sensibly it may be written, will produce little effect un- less delivered with every part of the body corresponding with the modulation of the voice. The face, being the index of the mind, should always agree in expression with the passion, emotion, or sentiment of the sub- ject. Thus every passion of the soul may be expressed even without the assistance of speech. For however requisite and essential may be the expressions of every part of the body in general, yet the face particularly expresses, by its infinite variety of muscles, the pas- sions more forcibly than all the human frame beside- 33 Thus it expresses Gravity. Stupidity. Fear. Wonder. Anger. Mirth. Sorrow. As observed before, every part of the hu- man form contributes to the expreffion of every passion and emotion possessing the soul. The head is sometimes erected with con- scious pride, depressed with indignity, and drawn back with disdain. Sometimes a nod gives assent, and a shake denial: while, by other motions, it threatens, approves, and suspects. The arms are sometimes lifted as high as the face, to express wonder ; sometimes extended forward before the breast, to express fear ; the hands are clapped by surprise and in sudden joy or grief; the right hand is clenched, and the arms are brandished, to threaten ; and the arms set a-kim, express consequence. With the hands, as Quintillian c 5 34 says, we refuse ', invite, intreat, appear averse',* fearful, and doubting. They also deny, ask, affirm, dissent, and display joy and grief; By the hands many words are supplied, and when the language of the tongue is unknown, that universal expression of the hands is un- derstood by all nations. The face* the headj the hands being* thus, capable, independent of the tongue, to ex- press the dictates and sensibilities of the soul, how forcibly must their united expression aid the eloquence of the accomplished orator ! The French depend so much upon corporeal oratory, that they talk more with their heads and shoulders than with their tongues. But this is not only the abuse of what would, otherwise, aid the general perfection of speak- ing; for they .^peak first and think after, step a minuet as they walk, and keep their bodies always dancing while their tongues are talking. So great lovers are they of action^ that they are ready to wound with their canes, in carte, tierce, or segoon, every one they meet. The Dutchman, in the other extreme, uses not the least action. His teeth perform the 35 office of his hands, which he keeps in his pockets, and smoaks away without thinking of withdrawing them but for the purpose of receiving money. The Spaniard walks with the state of a snail over the leaf of a cabbage, while one hand holds a box of snufF, and the other charges his nostrils. Every sentence he speaks is ac- companied with a shrug of his shoulders, and every step he makes has the same leisure as the stride of a cock. A great fault frequently committed is an unnatural and ridiculous contraction of the face when they are speaking. Some af- fectedly Protube their under lip, Others draw it in, Some draw it this way — [On the left side. Others that way. [On the right side. These absurd contractions never appeared more glaring than in a set cf grotesque figures, videlicet — A maiden lady and her three an- tiquated maid servants. The lady's name was Miss Priscilla Squeamish, whose heart was so cold as to cause her countenance to C 6 36 chill every one who attempted to pay her their addresses. Being advanced in years, she had a great capitulation with Esther Fidget, her own woman, Penelope Pip, her chambermaid, and Grace Greasy, her cook. The faces of these virgins had been origi- nally like those of other people. But, by af- fectation, they had distorted their features so as to acquire them the name of the wry- mouthed family. Miss Priscilla,one day making them sit down by her, said, — " Come, you are all good girls— (though be it known the youngest was forty- nine) leave ceremony, and give me frankly your opinions, on a very important affair. You must have observed, I am not quite so able to walk as I used to be — not that I am old ; but you know I have had some time the rheu- matism. I would, therefore, have a coach, were there not one great impediment to my accommodating myself with that conveniency. Do you know I should hate to be driven by a nasty he creature of a coachman, and that is the sole reason I have not yet kept my car- iage." 37 Right side.~] " Why to be sure, Ma'am— What you say is very true ; for if so be aa how, you have a coach, you must have some- body to drive it. Left side.~] " Certainly, Mistress must have it driven unless she has the reins to come through two holes in the fore-part of the car- riage, and then she can guide the horses her- self. " Esther Fidget observed, — " Hold your non- sentious tongue— ye pair of nizzies, your counsel is pertinacious ; it may endanger Ma- dam's limbs to be dislockited, were she to hold the reins herself. Besides, if the beastesses should be rusty and unwilling (o go, how could she whip them ? Ma'am must have a coachman !" Miss Squeamish thus gave her own opinion, — " Oh Esther! I can't bear the odious thought of a man waiting upon me, and com- ing into my house backwards and forwards. Oh fough ! You know I never took a Hack- ney chair or a coach for that very reason- but chose to walk wet or dry. 38 Esther Fidget resumed — " Oh, my dear lady, may I never die a maid, if I have not hit upon the right causation of the affair — You shall have an old woman for your coachman. She I mean, my lady, is one Deborah Dogety, who lives at the next village ; she has been used to drive a cart to market every week, arid is very fond of wear- ing breeches, so that we can but dress her up in men's cloaths, and then that will do pur- digeously clever ; for she'll have the compearance of a man, and not be a man neither ; but only a poor harmless old woman. He, he, he !" Miss. " Ha, ha, ha!" Pip. " He, he, he!" [Right side. Greasy. " Ha, ha, ha! [Leftside. Miss. " Oh that will do indeed!" Pip. " Oh charming!" Greasy. " Delightful!" Fidget. " Yes, 1 think I have hit it at last." They all worked their mouths with appro- bation. Miss Squeamish gave Fidget a new silk gown for her good advice, and Deborah 39 Dogety enjoys her place as coachmanto this day. A -sharp -set genius for dramatic fame in- troduced himself to the late Mr. Garrick for the purpose of displaying his imaginary ta- lents. Although he had scarcely in his life been off his shop-board, yet such was his opinion /of his abilities as an actor, that he thought himself sufficiently competent to the arduous task of rehearsing a part before so ju* dicious, severe, and discriminating a judge of acting as Mr. Garrick. This Cockney by birth, and taylor by pro- fession, thus addressed our Roscius : " Sir, I am your most in-de-fat-abigail humble servant — I shall be was fly happy and wery proud of the koppertwiity of being made a barter" " Well," said Mr. Garrick, " and pray what part would you wish to have the hoppor* Uwity of hading &•* 40 " Romo, Sir; Romo, Sir;" replied the taylor — " I should wish to preform the part of Romo ; for my wife says as how, I read Robin Crusoe so zvastly veil ; and as how I have so sweet a woice, that she's wastly sure and wery sartin, I should make a monstracious moving lovyerT " Well, Sir," asked Garrick, " and are you perfect in the part of Romo, as you call it?" " O yes, Sir," answered Snip — " I am main sartin, I can go thro' stitch with it from the beginning to the end on't." " Pray, Sir," Mr. Garrick asked— " Do you recollect a passage in that play where he describes a huge Colossus bestriding the lazy- pacing clouds, and sailing on the bosom of the air?" " O yes, Sir," replied Snip, " wastly velir " Then pray tell me, Sir," continued Mr. Garrick, " when he was bestraddling those clouds, which way would you go, supposing his stride to have been about the extent of a 41 moderate sized rainbow, — I say, Sir, which way would you go to work to measure hitn for a pair of breeches ?" " Lord have mercy on us!" cried the taylor, M here's a pretty job of journey work ! Make a pair of breeches for a rain- bow! Why I don't believe two taylors in London ever did such a thing in their lives. And I'm sure I could as soon make a pair for the man in the moon." " Then pray, Sir," asked Garrick most indignantly, " how came you to think of un- dertaking my business, when you are not master of your own ?" " Lord, Sir," replied the frightened tay- lor, " I only vonted " u You only vonted" repeated Mr. Gar- rick ; " pray, Sir, tell me — did'st thou ever behold Macbeth, with boisterous rage, bully the ghost of Banquooffthe stage ?" " No, Sir," says Snip. " You shall behold it now then," said Mr. Garrick. 42 PAR O D Y, IMITATING MR. GARRICK. " A vaunt, and quit my sight ! thy sheers are edge- less, And thy goose is cold— thou hast no thread, Nor needles in those paws that thou do'st stitch withall j What manager dare, I dare — approach thou like the Grim and greasy lamplighter, or arm'd chimney- sweeper, With brush and soot-bag — take any form but that, And my rich wardrobe shall yet escape cabbaging $ Or dare me to thy shop-board with thy sheers 5 If trembling I inhibit, then protest me The botch of a button-hole, — Hence, horrible taylor^ hence !" Alarm was the word, and the taylor was off in a tangent, perfectly cured of his passion for the stage, which he resolved never to think of more, but to attend to his shop-board. There is scarcely a greater defect in the character of a gentleman than to express him- 43 self improperly, either in writing, reading, or speaking. Those possessing fortunes, should have the manners and accomplishments of gentlemen. But there are too many pos- sessing considerable estates who cannot even tell a story properly, and yet render them- selves intolerably tirefome by continually at- tempting to divert their friends with stories,, anecdotes, and good things. One of these entertaining companions will tell you a long ftory of a Cock and a Bull and a Barley Mow, in this manner : " That a — he said that she said, that it was no such thing — and that he said that she said, that he should say, that it was ?nonstrous wrong in him for to come — -for to go — for to say so — and that she verily believed /> But with herself herself the Goddess pays." J [Imitates the cr swing of a cock. I have now to present you with a science of Gossiping, which happened soon after the birth of a celebrated dramatic character. 87 Unworthy would it be to register this gos- siping had not the meeting been so particularly famous for the metaphysical conversation which they, for the first time, started in Eng- lish, concerning abstruse and occult points, predicaments, qualities, essentials, and im- materialities, relative to ideas, contact, re- sistance, modes of the mind, habits of the body, rules of government, errors of admi- nistration, defects in religious worship, in- equalities of rewards and punishments, hell, happiness, Doctors Commons, faith, perjury, simony, heresy, adultery, accidents of mat- ter, and spiritual essences. Piece-meal have these subjects been retailed even unto this day, in every coffee-house, tavern, punch-house, ale-house, eating-house, and night-cellar, unless the more interesting vocations of politics, strumpeting, or gam- bling, have employed the good company's attention. Firji Gossip."] — Indeed, madam, you say true— -and I must own that, after my first child, I loved to see the hens lay eggs ; for I was told they would produce chickens. This 83 caused a doubt to arise in my mind — whether the yolk or the egg-shell wasmade first- If the shell was made first, how came the yolk in it ? And if the yolk was made first, how came the shell over it ? Second Gossipy — That, madam, is one of the most curious questions in the world. The first who ax'd me this question, was the par- son of our parish ; and as I couldn't tell, I made my husband send it to the Rial Society ,. who'll soon tell us all about it. Now, ladies, I w r ant sadly a question to be resolved which our vestry has- lately divided about — that is, whether still-born infants have any sins to answer for ? First Gossip.'] — To my knowledge,, madam, this is much disputed by the clergy, who have not yet decided upon the matter;, although it is as clear as noon day, that poor infants, who could never speak,, can have nothing to answer for. AIL] — Oh, to be sure, quite right, quite right, indeed . Third Gossip.] — Pray, ladies, don't you take fate to be a free agent ? Fourth Gossipy — To be sure, madam : whatever may be a lady's fate, yet she is- a fFee agent ; for suppose I was fated to marry a certain person whom I could not relish, it is at my upshot whether I would act or no ; and so fate is a free agent. But a gentleman who lodges with me, told me but yesterday, that fate and free agency were like king and commons; that the mind was the monarch* and the will was the people. So I told him, that whatever his mind was, he could not have his will of me without I had a mind. AIL~] — Oh, no, to be sure, no, to be suref First GossipJ] — Now, ladies, let me afk you, as Adam was never born like other peo- ple, whose mothers have been with child, and brought to bed of 'em, had he a wet or a dry nurse ? AIL~] — Neither, to be sure; for we don't read of suckling being at all the fashion in those days. Third Gossipy — My brother, you know ladies, is so great a writer, that he might have been poet Jarum song writer to the Rial Familv 90 had he not disobliged my husband and all his friends, by intending to publish a book to prove how far free will acts upon the load- stone; and he says he don't doubt but he'll get dipenshum for it. Mrs. Murdock, the nurse, then began an ethic discourse to ascertain the place of Satan's* territories, or where hell-fire was. She affirm- ed it was in the middle of the sun. But Madam Celery asserted it was in the middle of the earth. Miss Shred, a systemist.~] — I suppose there are several hells, and every comet contains one. Jenny Douglas.] — I have to quote the bible. Mrs. Murdock.'] — The bible, my dear, we philosophers think beneath our considera- tion; for there are so many religious opinions, so many books about it, and so many disputes, and so many sorts of preachers, that a true philosopher can believe nothing that is said by such as make all their religion consist in per- petually contradicting ea%h other. First Gossip.'] — O fie, madam — are not all the preachers Christians? 91 Mrs. Murdock.] — No, madam. — Why some are presbyterians, and some are methodists — * and some Mis* Shred.'] — As to methodists, Madam Murdock, you must excuse me; for metho- dists are the only Christians ; for they are re- generated, and none can be a fincere Chris- tian without regeneration ; but there are a great many people in the world of no religion. — I did not mention your name, Mrs. Murdock. Murdoch."]— And if you had, I should think it better to be of no religion than to profess a false one. How shamefully parents use their children : the poor innocents are soused over head and ears, or else they are circumcised, or else made quakers, or else one thing done to them or else another — and so they are bound 'prentice to this or that re- ligion without ever knowing which they could like. And that makes such different opinions and disputes in the world ; for it don't signify whether they were made Jews or Chriftians; for you see Jews behave as Christians and Christians as Jews, m defiance of all their religion. So the least said is soonest mended. 92 There are some men that may be called manufacturers of thunder and lightning. I knew one of these characters, who, in devot- ing his time to electrical experiments, one day- dislocated the neck of a child of two years and a half old. Another time, he frightened three old women out of their senses, under* the pretence of curing them of the tooth ach. Such was his skill and rapid improvements in this fire- creating art, that he had the con- fidence to expect that, by grinding a little air between a glass globe and a bag of sand, he should be able to make artificial lightning, which he could bottle or put into casks, for the purchase of any foreign governor, wha might want a tempest,, or a tornado, when suddenly required to settle his accounts. This, he thought,, would be a matter of the greatest importance to our government, who might purchase it of him much cheaper than they could possibly make their common am- munitioH. The other day he produced a clap of thunder, accompanied by a flash of light- ning, that blew out a candle,, and melted a i>3 pat of butter. From this success, he had not the least doubt that, when the weather was a tittle warmer, he should be able to melt all the pewter in his kitchen, and break his largest pier glass in the dining-room. For, according to his calculation, it was then powerful enough to kill a child ; so that he was confident of a ball, four times the diameter of that which he had at present, killing a man in perfect health and vigour, which would be a confi- derable saving of what was yearly expended for doctors and apothecaries. Apothecary ! a propos ! there are secrets in all trades — but the Pharmacial secret, I believe, was not discovered until lately, and that by the following means : A young gentleman, whose father had given a considerable premium with him as an ap- prentice fee tQ a very celebrated Apothecary, having served five years of his time, was im- patient to know the secrets as well as the drudgery of the profession. His master going out one morning, the young gentleman said, " Sir, I should be glad to have five minutes conversation with 9i you." — " Is it any thing particular, Mr. Brooks ?" — " If you will oblige me, I shall be thankful, Sir."— " Well, what is it ?"— " I have served now, Sir, five years of my time; I think it, therefore, necessary you should teach me the secrets of the art." — " Secrets ! What secrets ?" — " The secret, Sir, of the art of an Apothecary, which, by my indenture, you are bound to teach me." — " Egad, I don't know any secrets, but what you already possess. I never had a young gentleman, I confess, more attentive, or more critical in mixing medicines, than you are." — 44 Oh, Sir, I can certainly mix medicines according to a prescription; but I think I ought to attend you in your morning visits to your patients, that I might be enabled, when a physician is not to be had, to prescribe myself." 44 You are right, Mr. Brooks — put on your hat, and attend me this morning." Going together, the first patient they visited was an old man. The apothecary felt his pulse — 44 Good God ! Lack a day ! lack a day ! Good God! dear me !— Why, good woman, 95 what have you given your husband since I was here y esterday ? ' ' — " Nothing at all, Sir."— " Nothing at all? Good God! — Dear me ! dear me ! Lack a day ! lack a day ! Why you have been giving your husband oysters ." " No, indeed, Sir," — " Pooh, pooh! don't tell me — I say he has been eating oysters." — " Sir, I did not give him above three or four." — *" Look ye there ! I told you so ! I knew he had been eating oysters. I cannot answer for the consequences. But, however, give me pen, ink, and paper. There, Mr. Brooks, mix that draught, bring it your- self, and see the man take it. And do you hear, good woman ! never give your husband any thing but what I order."—" No, Sir." The doctor and his apprentice were no sooner out of the house than the young gen- tleman said — M Pray, Sir — I am all impa- tience ! How could you tell — this, Sir, is the very soul of the secret I want to know ; I say, Sir, how could you tell, by feeling the man's pulse only, that he had been eating oysters?" The Apothecary, after a signifi- cant pause, replied — " How could I tell ?— 96 Why I'll tell you — when I went into the room, I cast my eye under the bed and saw some oyster shells." The young gentleman bowed and said, " Sir, I'll give you no farther trouble on this subject. I am now perfectly master of the secret.' ' He then went home and made up the medicine, and took it to the patient. But when he came there, the man was dead. Re- turning to his master, " Sir," said he, " the patient's dead!" — "Dear me! dear me! Good God ! Lack .a day ! But I did not think the oysters would have killed him."— " Sir, the oysters did not kill him." — " No?" — " No, Sir ; he has been killed by a horse" — M A horse? Good God! dear me! Lack a day ! lack a day ! Why how the devil could a horse get into his bed chamber ?" — " Sir, he has been eating a horse." — " Eat- ing a horse ?"— -" Yes, Sir ; I saw the bridle and saddle under the bed." To this pharmacial story, I must add a veterinary one. A country farrier, who could just read, and was fond of repeating what he did not understand, had a horse brought to 97 him by a poor farmer. The animal had a dis- ease which no person of the village where the farmer lived could understand. The farmer, therefore, was so impatient to know if the farrier himself could tell his complaint, that he thu% addressed the veterinarian : — " Now, maister Anvil, I know thou beestmain know- ing in horse affairs, do tell me what's the matter with my poor mare Molly, for no parson in our village can tell." The farrier immediately proceeded to examine her wind, her eyes, her nostril &, her legs, and her feet; which being done, he thus addressed the farmer : — " Why, maister Haycock, I don't wonder you nor none in your village could tell what ails the beast ; for you never heard, nor they neither, I am sartin, of such a dis- order before. Why she's got what the French call the Honi soiti qui malli pansi. Did you— now tell me farmer— did you ever hear of the like before ?" — " No, indeed, master Anvil." — " Honey sweats in Molly's paunch !" — " Lord bless my poor mare ; how could she get honey in her paunch ? Ecod, very likely she has been eating a bee-hive ! Well, maister. F 98 you'll do what you can for the poor beast, and I'll call on you next market day." He did so, and asked the farrier if he had taken the honey out of her paunch ? But how was he disappointed when he heard the farrier say, •? Thy mare, farmer, is dead." — " I tjiought so," replied the farmer; "I thought the honey would kill her."—" No," said the farrier, " I cured her of that; but not three hours after, she was taken with a mortal dis- ease." — " What was that ?" said the farmer. — " Why," answered Anvil, " you don't know if I tell you — it was what we call, in Latin, the Vivante Rexe ette Regine ; she went stone dead." Many say that inattention often causes an actor's monotony ; or that it proceeds from a defective ear. But may it not be owing to a defect in the voice itself ? I am, at least, assured that a misformation of the passages through which the speech is uttered, will sometimes occasion the above mentione mo- 99 notony. A glutinous lisp will also bird-lime the actor's tongue so as to render his speech similar to that of a person talking with his mouth full of plumbs. I have heard two performers in Otway's Tragedy of the Or- phan, so gabble and chuckle at each other, that they could be compared to nothing in nature except a couple of Turkey pouts. Many are desirous of shewing their talents as actors, and others as mere nomenclators , One of these have been known to call the prophet, Habakuck — Huckaback ; the old Assyrian king, Sennacherib — old Snatch-a-crab ; and the di- vine Physician, Esculapius — a Scabby -Louse. It is remarkable that the profession of a Strolling-Player should be so attractive an fascinating. It is as unaccountable as a man of fashion and fortune preferring the profes- sion of a beggar, diseased and ragged, to health, a clean shirt, and a guinea. This F 2 100 strange penchant induced Bamfylde Moore Carew to become a Gipsey, as well as a young gentleman of flattering expectations to join a company of Strolling-Players, at Foot's- Cray, in Kent. The whole company con- sisted only of two young men, myself and Mr. Quick, (now of such well-earned cele- brity,) an old man and his wife, with one eye, their crooked daughter, a scabby-headed boy, and a Jack Ass. And I must do the company the justice to say, that our theatrical forces were reckoned the best disciplined of any in the county. This is no mean repute to have ac- quired ; for Kent has been ever distinguished as the residence of tolerable comedians. Naturalists have observed, that turnips and Attorn ies thrive best in Norfolk ; that roads and smugglers distinguish Sussex ; and that it is as impracticable to eradicate bugs from London, as to free Kent from hop-pickers, gipsies, and strolling-p'ayers. . The young gentleman to whom I before alluded, repaired to this our very respectable company : it was remarked soon after, by the audience, that Mr. Quick's and my linen appeared whiter than usual, and that we had 101 left off chalking our stockings. The fact was, the young gentleman had brought with him an excellent supply of shirts and stockings. And Quick's and my wardrobe being so scanty that when a clean shirt fell to our lot, from the indulgence of our washerwoman, we shared it between us, hot and hot. If it served me for the play, it supplied Quick for the farce, and vice-versa. So that our two shirts, the black and the white one, in the true style of a stroller, were continually shifting the scene. A continuation of bad success, re- duced even the young gentleman to a level with ourselves. One shirt each was all our boast. But, being all friendly, the three shirts were continually dancing the hays, off and on each other's back, and in and out at the pawnbrokers. But still the company were not to be disbanded by adversity. It was not those fearful phantoms of hunger, bad shoes, bum-bailiffs, rainy weather, no trust, an empty coal-hole, a frowning landlord, or a scolding landlady, could dissolve us. Our little theatre was fitted up in an old stable, with one stage box, and that was the F 3 102 body of an old post chaise. An adjoining brewhouse served for the green room, where we all dressed. The manager and his family occupied the mash-tub, while the rest of the company, consisting of myself, the young squire, the crusty headed boy, and Quick, my little Alexander the Great, found each an excellent dressing place in the cooler. The roof of the building was so very low, that a beam went across the centre of the stage, which was very serviceable to Quick, when he could not restrain his propensity to laughter; even in his favourite part of the love-sick Romeo, or his all-conquering Alexander the Great. When the ridiculousness of his situ- ation affected bis risible muscles, he re- treated a little behind the beam, so as completely to prevent his face, at these moments, being seen. His head being thus cut off from the sight of his auditors, the beam would, in these days, have been not improperly termed the theatrical guillotine. After his risible fit was over, he would bounce, strut, and make his exit in proper style. But, unluckily, one night he was un- 103 able to secure in time his accustomed retreat behind the beam, when an involuntary fit of laughter, while he was performing Romeo, subjected him to the severe rebuke of his au- ditors. It happened in the scene of Romeo and the Apothecary* who going for the phial of poison, found it broken. Not to detain the scene, he snatched, in a hurry, a pot of soft pomatum. Quick was no sooner pre- sented with it, than he fell into a most con- vulsive fit of laughter. But being soon re- called to a sense of his duty, by the reproofs of the audience, he came forward and made the following whimsical apology : — M Ladies and gentlemen, I could not resist the idea that struck me when the pot of pomatum, in* stead of the phial of poison, was presented. Had he, at the same time, given me a tea. spoon, it would not have been so improper ; for the poison might have been made up as a lenitive electuary. But if you please, ladies and gentlemen, we'll begin the scene again, without laughing." To qualify the representations of Tragedy and Comedy to make people laugh and cry, F 4 104 I humbly conceive there is no necessity for purchasing a diploma or to take out a batche- lor's degree. The stage, I have frequently observed, has been, as the phrase is, struck at with the very illiberal severity of wild fanatics and sour cynics. But if actors are struck at, it must be allowed there are a many striking actors. As an instance, the following is adduced. Jack Sly is passionately fond of a play, and talks of nothing but Shakespeare, Ben Jon- son, or his favourite Ben ; while John Bull, who is as fond of boxing, talks of nothing so much as Johnson and Big Ben. These two meeting at a barber's shop, where they had often met before, began a conversation upon their favourite topics. Jack Sly commenced, with informing the barber's customers in waiting, that he had been at the Battle of Hastings in Govent Garden. " What battle ?" says Bull. " The Battle of Hastings," said the other; " where I was struck in such a manner as, upon my soul, I was never so struck before." — " Why ! who struck you ?" asked Bull.—" Why, Mr. Pope, the trage- 105 dian, and very forcibly too," answered the other. " What does the man mean?" said the Philo-pugiiist. " What do I mean!" re-echoed Sly — " Why I mean that I was struck at the battle of Hastings by Pope, of Covent Garden." " What, did Pope of Co- vent Garden strike you ?" " Yes, and very forcibly too." " And you put up with it ! Well, had he been the Pope of Rome, and had struck me, dam-me, but I would have struck him again." There was John Bull in perfection, display- ing his -native spirit and disdain of being struck by any person. But, however we may applaud the spirit which an Englishman has ever shewn against the indignity of a blow, yet we cannot but condemn the encouragement that is given to pugilists, who fight for interest, and without the least motive for resentment. Conscious of the impropriety of such a practice, I am induced to submit the following respecting BOXING. However reluctantly I may bring forward F 5 106 such subjects as are an indignity to any ex- hibition, that has the smallest pretension to taste, elegance and refinement, I cannot omit noticing Boxing, which is a disgrace to the times, and a marked reproach to civilized manners. To see a vile contention between low cunning and vulgar strength in the per- sons of J:wo human brutes, degrades the hu- man character. And the respectability of the country is equally iarnished by the public prints being filled with the ferocious eloquence of bravoes, in despite of the laws that should preserve the civil decencies and decorums of society. It is, therefore, to be lamented, that the subjects of any coun- try should be suffered to debase their na- tures with an unprovoked ferocity unknown to the tyger or hyena. But what is the credit of his country to one who has a mind for a little fun ? Black eyes, bloody noses, and punches in the bread-basket are now sports almost for ladies. But to proceed to an example : One of these maimers of the human car- case will professionally tell you, Upon his 107 honour, and as hes a genelmayi, he 11 teach you the art of defence the first bout, by only keeping you out of company for a week — and, the second bout, he'll teach you the offensive, by only sending you to bed for a fortnight — that is, by beating you until you are not fit to be seen ; and, in the third, he'll turn you out a complete boxer; or, to speak more fashionably — a complete pugilist^ provided he's not so unfortunate as to hill you by breaking a blood vessel. These fellows are trained, like game cocks, to deal mischief to their opponents. The only difference between them is, that the in- stinctive courage of the feathered tribe is ag- gravated by brutal man into madness. And that skill and strength, which in man should never be used, unprovoked, to the annoyance of another, is irritated and encouraged to such a height of false courage, that, were it not for shame, would be shaken at every blow. Or else, why do they, according to their own phrase, give out? — Why confess themselves conquered ? Why do they not fight to the last gasp ? Oh disgrace ! inde- lible disgrace ! that a game cock should have F 6 108 more courage than a boxer ! I shall close this subject by the following story : A British sailor, a character naturally averse to unnecessary fighting, was provoked by one of these professional human carcase- butchers or boxers, until he could no longer endure it with patience. He agreed, therefore, to fight it out. Some of his companions pro- cured ropes, and fixed the two combatants at such a distance as prevented either from running away, shifting, or falling down. This was done in despite of the man of sci- ence, who said — such a practice was foul, and contrary to all the laws of Boxing. The boxer, being thus deprived of trick and shift, was obliged to depend more upon his strength than his art ; he was soon therefore obliged to yield to the superior prowess of his antago- nist, who, on his yielding, cried out — " Here ! unship that lubber there ! — Damme ! but I wish we had a hundred or two such on board the Terrible, were they only to stuff the netting." log But of all the extraordinary characters with which this country abounds, that of the Quack Doctor is the most strange, outre, whim- sical, and ridiculous. This has caused some of our most famous story-tellers to be saluted with the title of Doctor, whenever they enter a room full of company by whom they are known. They derive this diftinction from telling a story of the above medicinal personage. They are commonly re- ceived by their acquaintances with " Ah Doctor ! — How do you do, Doctor ? Now, now, we shall have the Quack Doctor in style. His story being thus preluded, he rises up and begins : " Gentlemen, " I beg leave to inform you, that I am the very celebrated Doctor Puff Stuff Sham Quirk'em to Augfu, Physician to the sole Governor of the Earth, the most magnanimous and puissant Chou Khan, Emperor of China. I am Professor of Magic, Physic, Surgery, and Ana- tomy in the University of Pekin ; Oculist and Dentifricator to all the Monarchs of the Eaji ; Manmidwife to the Empress Pinka Panka, and 110 Member of every Medical Society throughout the vast Empires of China, Persia, Turkey, and Indostan. " I have enjoyed these high honours in my native country, and was chief favourite and counsellor to the Emperor. But being con* verted to Christianity by Lord Macartney in his late embassy, I was obliged to escape in an open boat, in which, after a long and pe- rilous voyage, I arrived at Capa Bona de Esperanza, the Cape of Good Hope, from whence I took shipping for England. *' This may be considered, Gentlemen, as the most fortunate event that ever happened to Europe ; for you must know, that I have brought with me the following unparalleled, inestimable, and never-before-discovered se- crets. " First. My most surprising Balsam, called P aramandelang Ratskiammum from Whamg~ waghgang, situated thirty degrees South of the South Pole. This wonderful of all wonderful balsams, if only rubbed for five minutes or* the gums, will cause a new set of teeth to Ill sprout up, like mushrooms in a hot-bed, to the amazement of all beholders. " I have also invented a machine, which will extract the whole entire old set of teeth in the tenth part of a moment, without the patient feeling the operation, or knowing his loss. " Secondly. I perform the most astonish- ing operations upon the eye ; and I have a cer- tificate under the hand and seal of his Siamese Majesty, who, having lost his sight by cata- racts in each eye, sent an embassy to China for the Emperor, to permit my visiting him at Siam. On my arrival, I, with most un- paralleled skill, extracted both of his Majesty's nation is undone, like a once baked biscuit $ and if the people don't keep tally with Mr. Pitt, they are all cakes" Ben Knucklebone, the Butcher, observed — " May I never go to market again, if I don't think we are all a parcel of calves, or else we should petition the minister to knock down all forestalling before we were all cut up and laid out as dead as mutton " Neddy Lather em, the Barber, stated — " I am sure the nation was never so much in the suds as at present. But I suppose Billy Pitt means to engross all the trade of barbering himself, or else he would not, under the pretence oi powdering the hair, shave so closely all his Majesty's subjects." Tim Fit'em, the Taylor, said, — M Well, now, I do declare, that I think the nation is now come to the fag-end of its consequence. O that I had some of her leading ones here, I'd trim their jackets w T ith such a basting as they never had before. I'd teach 'em to take away the taylor's privilege of cabbaging. They should no longer fill their hell of a budget with what should feed and cloath the nation. No ! 144 no] I'd make 'em twist with a good measuring until I had suited them to their heart's content." Bob Souchong, the Tea-dealer and Grocer, differed from all the rest. He observed— 44 Now I think our ministers are the best and wisest of mi i. Don't you think the fragrant odours of tea are much more wholesome and pleasant than the intoxicating fumes of to- bacco ?" 44 No!" exclaimed Sam Shortcut, " for tobacco has saved the lives of thousands, whom tea would, otherwise, have destroyed. But you don't care a Jig about the nation, so you can get a plumb. But I'll have a rap at your cannister, I warrant you." 44 No difference among gentlemen," cried Tom Larder, the Inn-keeper. 44 But, hear me. I compares the nation to a broad-wheeled waggon. Now, isn't it, as how, very pos- sible for this waggon to be over-loaded, and so break down ? No ! you'll say, not if it has an iron axle-tree. Why, you blockhead, won't iron and steel wear out ? Well, but however, if it won't break down, isn't it pos- 145 sible, from the neglect of the driver, it may tumble into a Pit ? Now, how are you, in that case, to get it out of this Pit? You don't know — 1 know you don't know ; for if you did, you'd be as cunning as a Fox." Matty Mareschal, the Perfumer, being more deeply affected by the powder tax than any Barber could possibly be, could not avoid giving his sentiments on the present occasion. *! I think," said he, "the nation was never so dressed as it has been since Pitt taxed the use of powder. What could be his antipathy to our white and brown powder ? They never killed, like his battle powder, thousands by thousands. If he had meant to have served his country, he would have taxed the use of gun-powder, w r hich would have saved, not only the money — but the lives of the people.'* " Hold, hold," said a Ghelsea veteran. " What ! tax gun-powder ? Honour and glory forbid ! No ! let us have gun-powder free, while we have a soldier or a sailor to use it in defence of his countrv." H 146 I have frequently heard a man harangue for several minutes with great good sense, and in words well chosen, and worthy to be read, and reduced to writing. But all this excel- lence was lost upon the generality of his au- ditors, who were disgusted by his insipidity of n- -nner, and his voice being strongly affected by a provincial dialect. This has convinced me of the absolute necessity there is of every person endeavouring to correct, as much as possible, whatever provincial dialect it may have been their misfortune to have contracted. If this be neglected, the best arguments, de- livered with such a perversion of tone, will lose their effect, while the speaker is exposed to ridicule and laughter. A speech delivered in a strong northern dialect, will sufficiently evince the truth of this assertion. I shall, therefore, proceed to my example, by giving a short panegyric on the art and science of eloquence, in the true Scots style. " The topic I presume to haundle, is the mirawculous gifts of an orator, wha, by the bare power of his words, leads men, women, ur and bairns, as he lists ; and first, for the an- tiquity of the art, ken ye, wha was the first orator ? Mayhap ye think it was Tully, the Latinist ? Nae such thing — ye are wide o'th'mark ; or Demosthenes the Greek ? In gude troth ye are as far off as before. Wha was it then ? It was een that arch cheeld the deevil himself. Ye ken weel how Adam and Eve were planted in Eden with plenty o'bannocks and cail, and aw that they wished ; hut were prohibited the eating of pepins, upon which, what does me, the orator, Satan, but he whispers a soft speech in her lug ; egad, our granam, Eve, fell-to in an instant, and eat a pepin without staying to pare it. Ken ye, wha was the first orator now ?" Pronouncing words entirely different from their spelling, in conformity to the native dialect of the speaker, is such a shameful abuse of language as should always be discouraged. And a person attempting to address an au- dience with such a dialect as just recited, will H2 148 appear almost as ridiculous as the fool who cut off a fellow's head that lay asleep, and then waited to hear what he would say when he awoke and missed it ; or as laughable as the poor lame dancing-master, who thought himself particularly entitled to the encourage- ment of the public in his profession, for no other reason than his having lost a leg : the town pitied his misfortune, while they laughed at the absurdity of Mr. Caper's expectations ; which afforded no little entertainment to the groaners and the grinners. And thus it is, that some cry while others laugh at the times. Old people praise the time past, which they neglected to use when they might. Young people look forward with anxious care to the time to come, neglecting the present. Indeed almost every person treats the present time as some folks do their wives-— with indifference, in order to possess their affections more se- curely. As I mean not to confine my observations to one particular dialect, and resolving to divest myself of partiality, I shall now pre- sent you with the oratory of a Cockney* 149 " As I vas going along, thinking of no- thing at all, I thought as how as I heard a face and saw a woice that I knew, and it vas Mr. Spriggins ; and Mr. Spriggins said as how- werily he did think that weal was better eating than wenson. To be sure weal is very good in its kind. — But, Mr. Spriggins, says I, gi' me wenson — gi' me wenson, says I, Mr. Sprig- gins ; for my part, I'm wastly fond of wenson ; for vhat can be more betterer, or more properer, Eh ? I wow its the wery best of whittles , isn't it, eh ? — and for a man for to come, for to go, for to say as how weal vas betterer than wenson, is certainly wery monstrous, and wold of all reason ; isn't it, eh ? He might as veil say, wue ought to be zvalued above wirtue, or that vawnuts could be pickled_ without winegar. Mightn't he, eh ? I axt him, says I, d'ye think vine is'nt better than vaier ? I axt him, says I, d'ye think cowcomers good vithoui inyons ? — and so he giv'd me sich oiit-ofthe vay answers, that I told him, says I, Mr. Spriggins, you werily deserve to be pelted with brick-bracks, and rolled in the kindle, says I, till you are as black as a chimney- H 3 150 sweeper, says I, as a wawnlng for windicating sich an eupinion. I vas right, vasn't I, eh ?-— And so then he tawked about sumat about being scrowdgd and squeedgd by a mob in the Vitson veei, and this here and that there, and things of that there kind ; and so he vanted me to fetch a vaulk as far as the PH's in Common Garden. But, says I, Mr. Spriggins, says I, you are a wile, vorthless, wapid feller, says I, and so I don't vant no more conwersation, says I, vith a person that don't know common sense, and that is as ignorant as the wery com- monist of wretches with their breakfastes and toasteses, and running their heads against the posteses, to awoid the wild beast eses." I'm told that a member of the Quorum in Cumberland, who was the veiy mouth-piece of eloquence in his own country, when he went up to London, enquired at a shoemaker's shop in Cranbourn Alley, if he could not meet with a pair of small shoes for his little girl in the country, with pink heels, pointed toes, and 151 crept straps for clasps y which he expressed in the following provincial dialect. " I pray yee noo, han yee gatten any neatly, fe tly shoen, poainted toen, pink'd at heel and cropped strops for clopses ?" M Sir," answered the shopkeeper, " what's that you say?' ' M Why, Iprayyeenoo," [repeats as before. ~\ " The family who speaks French,' ' said the shoemaker, " lives at the next door." And so they parted, understanding one another just as well as if one came from Greenland and the other from Grand Cairo." But of all the ignoramusses breathing, those in the Weft country exceed all belief. As a proof, I have to mention the uncommon igno- ranee of a collier, who had never been but once over the threshold of a door since his baptism ; and this visit was accidentally caus r ed by a shower of rain obliging him to seek shelter there. It was in Bristol, and during the time of divine service. The heathenish H 4 152 boor returning home, thus told his brother clods what he had heard and seen : " I have been in a place where I never was before, and where I never design to be again ; for there I zaw twelve vellows coek'd up in a sort of hay -loft, shouting and zinging away for dear life. I ax'd 'em if they had got any thing to drink there — and a zort of a dog- whipping vellow came up to me with a zwitch in his hand, and told me in a huff, I could get nothing to drink there. How dost know that ? says I — thee beest not land-lord — beest thee ? So then he took my hat off my head. Dang it, I had a great mind to a given un a douse o'th' chops, and zet un a spinning like a whirligigg. But I thought I wouldn't kick up a doust. Zo I went a little varther, and I zaw a zet of men and women penn'd up together like zo many ewes and wethers at a vair. In the middle of 'urn there was a little mon lock'd up in a tub — a was, as true as I'm a living zoul of a zinner, lock'd up in a tub breast high, with a shirt as black as a coal, and a little white zlobbering bib, slit in two, and stuck under his chin. Turning up 153 his eyes, he prayed away to be delivered. Below there zat a little mon mocking of 'un ; for whatever one said t'other said too. By and bye, the little man in a black shirt pull'd it off, and then there was another as white as a clout — and then with a twist of his wristippes, he opened the tub and came down, and took a little baby out of a woman's arms, and car- ried it to a zort of a hog trow, and splashed his vace over and over again with cold water. Dangit, thinks I, who knows where this frolick may end? Mayhap, if the maggot bites, they'll duck me too, and zo I took to my heels and scampered away. And if they do catch I within zide of a church again, I'll give 'urn leave to zous and zop me o'er and o'er again." — This was all the idea a West country collier had of a church. I shall now proceed to a short dissertation on the anatomy of phantoms. Rondocosto Ramlu Danesso, in his defence of preter-naturals and non-naturals, very wise- H 5 154* ]y tells us that there are some very famous, and what is more, very great, and what is more, very rich people, who are undetermined whe- ther ghosts are apparitions or apparitions ghosts — whether death-watches, dreams, night. riiares, witchcraft, falling stars, screech-owls, and religion, have or have not reality. To such is submitted the following lusitorise. Any analysis, solution, and dissection of phantoms, is recommended to be carefully studied, by out-of-pension patriots, fourth and fifth cou- zens to persons of fortune and quality, and all dependents on great mens* generosity, or any man's gratitude. Suppose a Genius situated pennyless in America, and ardently wishing to revisit his native home, who is it will pilot him across the Atlantic ? " I, I, I, I will—we all will, every body will — any body will take him on board, and be glad to sail with him ; for all the world will be fond of his company ; — who denies it ?" " But, pray, Sir, when the vessel comes to port, who will help him out of the ship ? Who will pay the captain for his passage ?" 155 However diverting, during the voyage, this droll fellow may have been, and whatever applauses he may have received, with invita- tions to every one's mess while on board, the anchor is no sooner dropped than all is for- gotten. All are then hurrying home about their re- spective concerns, wives, sweethearts, fami- lies, friends, acquaintances, or correspon- dencies. The general cry is, " Adieu, Mr. Genius — your servant, Mr. Genius — here, Tom, put these things behind the post-chaise ; we are obliged to you for your good company, Mr. Genius — sorry we can't stay with you any longer. — Go on, boy. A very diverting creature that man was, my Lord." " Yes," answers the man of title, " these wits and drolls are very well for a gentleman to be en- tertained with, now and then, at taverns or on shipboard ; but they should not be noticed publicly— for they are always poor — know no- thing of the world, and are rather impertinent." The deserted Genius, pennyless, and a stranger, is left upon the beach, to make the best of his way— where he can. H6 156 Supposing him arrived in London, he must either prostitute his talents in vindicating vil- lainy, or condescend to be Folly's auditor, Pride's flatterer— or a beggar. These honourable avocations indicate that hope and promise are included in our disserta- tion upon phantoms. Our Genius being driven by necessity to choose immediately his profession, turned Pension or Place Fisher, alias Political Writer. In the political science of perspective, the point of sight, point of distance, and vanishing line, properly investigated, are as follow : The point of sight is preferment. The point of distance is, what length your patron will go to serve you, and what length you must goto serve him. The vanishing line is hope. All these, multiplied in a proper modus, form Mr. Hogarth's line of Beauty. To return to our Genius. His understand- ing was clear, ripe, and strong, id* est, clear enough to distinguish his own interest ; ripe enough to be ready for any dirty work ; and 157 strong enough to counteract the bias of those beggar-making bubbles of public spirit, love, gratitude, friendship, or patriotism. He con- sidered such as only tubs to be tossed out to the whale, which the hydra-mob ridiculously say is composed of the harmonies and sym- phonies of the soul. Reflecting that he was liable to a sudden change of circumstances, either adverse or prosperous, he was always dreaming of a chariot or the pillory as particular exaltations, to which he knew authors had arisen. Indeed, he well knew, that they had been bestowed upon different persons very often for the same action. No man was, therefore, equal to him for deifying the ins, or devilizing the outs. For preferment, his pen waged war against the latter. Through the field of faction, he fought blushless for the ins. Venality crowned his temples with a brazen frontlet, and, trampling over Modesty, she led him to the shrine of secret services. A Prime-Minister, who has always a number of these servants of honour to pro- vide for, is obliged, when no more vacancies 158 can be made, to create new places. Fortu- nately for this Genius, the vicissitudes of the times impelled the Minister to levy new taxes ; and, as the cream of all taxes, a tax was laid upon milk, and this Genius was accordingly made Inspector General of the Milk Office, to which the following necessary subordinates were appointed, 24 Tasters,. 6 Clerks, 4 Porters, 1 Gaugtfr, 1 Secretary, and A Deputy. To these may be added the Company of Assistants, composed of 2 Apothecaries, 2 Dairy Women, 2 Experimental Philosophers, 1 Butter Melter, 2 Spectacle Makers, 2 Wet Nurses, 1 Clyster-pipe Borer, and 2 Curds-and-Whey Keepers. These only added the number of fifty to the Minister** dependents. But as there was 159 a clause in the act to prevent the mixing of water with milk, that very nutritious food was rendered as dear in proportion as any other article of our subsistence. The Genius, it is said, is now writing a pamphlet to prove, that mare's milk may be substituted instead of cows' ; that all our porter may be brewed from oatmeal ; and that hore-flesh is more whole- some than roast beef. Ancient history relates, that Zeuxis, a ce- lebrated painter of Heraclea, died of a fit of laughter at the sight of an old woman of his own drawing. But for people to be ready to expire with laughing, at their own conceits and expressions, we have innu- merable modern instances. M Hah ! hah! hah! hah! hah !— I'll tell you what I laugh at. I said the best thing t'other day, that you ever heard, hah! hah! hah! — says I to my brother — only mind — Hah! hah ! hah! — I says," says I, " I saw a most terrible wind y ester day"—" Saw a wind!" says my 160 Irother — ".'tis the first time I ever heard of a wind being seen;" Hah! ha! hah! and so, says he, Hah! hah! hah! "Pray, if you did see the wind, what was it like ?" " What was it like? Hah! hah! hah !-— now mind — Hah! hah! hah! "What was it like?" says I — " Aye, what was it like," says he — " Why it was like to blow my house down," says I — " Hah! hah! hah! hah! oh! oh! oh!" These giggling, smiling, tittering, grinning, risible gentry, when in company with a man of genuine wit and humour, continually tease him to be comical. They address him in this manner — " Come now, do tell us something droll to make us all laugh, will you ? Damn it, I tell you what let's play at — To market, my Lord — will you ? That's right. — I'll be my Lord — and your name shall be Cockles — your's Pork Griskin— your's Sparrowgrass — your's John Dory — and your's Mutton Chops, tol der er lol te ti te te you — Now mind — When my hat's on — I'm my Lady; and when it's off, I'm my Lord — and for every mistake, a half pint bumper, or a black face." 161 Having thus diverted himself for some time, and being obliged to swallow several half pints, through his frequent mistakes at the enchanting games of the Dumb Conceit, To Market, my Lord, Questions and Commands, Hot Cockles, Alphabetical Toasts, Dutch Club, Hiding the horse, What's my thought like, and Buzz r he is led home with his face blacked, to- tally insensible, and put to bed to his wife ; who, viewing him the next morning, com- plains, and frequently gives the following hints — Somebody, Some people, and Other people. " I'm sure if some people go on r in this manner, somebody will suffer for it — Some people never know what time to come home, and other people must be disturbed by some people J ©2 at all hours of the night — That ii some people have no more sense than to suffer their faces to be blacked, other people may be ashamed of such a scandalous behaviour — and that some people should be glad to be informed by some- body"— " Lord, my dear/' says the husband, " it was nobody" There are no words more frequently used than Somebody, Nobody, Any body, and Every body. These terms somebody** pleased to introduce very often in conversation, which offends nobody ; and as any body has an undoubted right to the same, every body uses them. Many frequently express themselves on se- veral occasions in this manner — Dev'lish handome — Dev'lish ugly, Hellish rich — Hellish poor, Dev'lish cold — Dev'lish hot, It freezes like hell — It rains like the devil ! 163 But as the devil is not the most desirable subject, I shall leave him, and proceed to the conversation of the fair-sex. The first claiming attention, is the Ladies of high birth and great distinction, whose conversation consists in absurdly shortening their words ; thus, they say Poz for positively, and Plenipo for Plenipotentiary. While, on the contrary, Lady Rachael, Lady Caroline, and Lady Betty are trespassing fre* quently on the confines of their native Ian- guage, by making a single word answer the purpose of two. They tell us — They caarit — and they shaant — and they maant. But what our language loses by these word-droppers, plain Nan and Sal and Moll, of Billingsgate, endeavour to compensate by adding supernumerary syllables, when they talk of — Fisheses and placeses, and running their noseses against the posteses. 164 Among the various classes of oratory with which this kingdom abounds, there is pne that particularly delights every merry party ; I mean Anecdote Orators. One of these, without ever delivering a sen- timent of his own, or entering into any dis- pute or controversy, sits in a corner of the room with his wig reversed and a steady face, silent as a quaker unmoved by the spirit of a hum-drum meeting, until the subject will admit of an anecdote, which he relates with the gravity of a Methodist. Suppose Elections form the subject, he will tell— That " Puts me in mind of a circumstance, which happened at the long contested elec- tion at Bristol, of a poor Barber, who, having given his vote, incurred the malicious resent- ment of some of the opposite party ; for they broke all his shop -windows, and the poor fellow, being unable to pay for the glazing of them again, papered every square. " The next morning a sailor ran his head through one of the squares, and asked, Is the Barber at home ? The Barber running, at the 165 same time, his head through another of the paper squares, cried — " No — he's just gone out. Should the town-crier give some necessary information to the public, this Anecdote- monger will tell you, that he heard a crier in a country town thus deliver himself: — " O yes! O yes! O yes! — this is to give notice, that on Thursday last, between the hours of three and five in the afternoon, there was lost a little black dog, all over large white spots, with long cr opt ears, a thin bujhy tail, and answers to the name of Trip. Whoever will bring him to the Crier fhall have half a guinea reward — God save the King. — I for- got to tell you he has got the mange.' ' The next morning a fellow meeting this puppy-hunter, afked him why he did not cry ? "I can't," says he, " my wife's dead! — befide, I'm afraid of waking her." To give a proper explanation of Anecdote Oratory : — " I most humbly beg leave, with all proper respect — taking particular care, at the same time, to avoid all expressions that 166 may seem to border on prolixity, and which are diametrically oppofite to conciseness, clearness, and perspicuity ; I say, with proper respect, I must inform you — hoping your good nature will excuse my running into art error which is deserving the mimic's notice and my scourge ; but as I love brevity to my heart, I fhall not, as many speakers do, keep you in suspense with a tedious narration of circumstances, which, to my certain know- ledge, were better omitted in toto than recited ad libitum* Therefore, as I particularly mean to come, without any perambulation, to the point at once, I must tell you the anecdote just now related, which anecdote is, by no manner of means, an anecdote fimilar to the Crier's anecdote, farther than its being an anecdote, or perhaps oddity and ridicule upon those who are for ever talking without saying any thing, by using phrases entirely foreign to the meaning and nature of the subject in hand of which they are speaking." This preamble I hope, at the same time that it leads me to mention an absurdity, will be received as a satire on prolixity, by my 167 having used two hundred words instead of these nine, — videlicet — The anecdote of the Crier reminds me of one. One man was saying to another, the other day, crossing a field, I saw a bull come running after me like hell; I ran away like thunder; and as I was endeavouring to get over a stile, I tore my stockings as if heaven and earth were coming together. A certain gravity of countenance consi- derably improves the telling of these stories- But this must not be adopted as a general rule ; for it is frequently necessary to aid a humorous story with chearful looks and ac- cordant gestures. As much depends upon the expression as the words themselves. Whatever nature pro- duces, art can always embellish. This caused Cicero justly to observe, that address in speak- ing was as highly ornamental as it was useful in private life. 168 How often have I seen a public speaker roll liis* £yes along the cieling as if he thought hiffls*elf in duty bound to take care how the flies behaved. Another casts his eyes upon the ground, as if he w€ie before a judge, receiving sentence of death. The misapplication of the arms is as preva- lent as that of .the eyes ; for I have seen a speaker pulling at the wristband of his shirt all the time he was speaking. I have observed another diving his hand to the bottom of his pocket, as if he were iri search of something. As some speakers cannot express their sen- timents with the use even of both arms, how difficult must he find it who has only one ! In such a situation I once saw an itinerant barn-door actor, who attempted the part of Richard the Third. This poor fellow had only the use of the right arm ; for the left was, un- fortunately for him, withered, which he took the greatest care to place behind him, before he came on the stage, as if he dreaded it woul 169 embarrass the action of the other. But, every time he exerted his voice, he shook the withered arm out of its place. Thus he began : " Now are our bows bound with victorious wreaths, Our stern alarms changed to merry meetings — Grim-visagM War hath smooth* d his wrinkled front/ In this manner he went on. The audience, however they might pity the misfortune of the man, could not avoid laughing at the whim- sical effect it produced in the actor. This performer was as singular off, as he was on the stage. He greatly valued himself on an affected peculiarity of pronunciation. So nice was he in his endeavours to display the sense of his author with every critical minutiae, that he never exceeded or added either in a laugh, cry, or grunt. Whenever he voci- ferated, ha, ha, ha ! you might be certain he had sufficient authority from his author, whom he never injured by applying Ha, ha, ha! for He, he, he ! A waterman rowing him across the river one day* struck up— I 170 Bacon, beaas, salt beef, and cabbage. Bacon, beans, salt beef, and cabbage* Butter-milk and oaten bread 5 Fol der iddle lol, fol der iddle lof, Follol, der iddle iddle, fol, lol, lol. " Sir," says he, "it is not, fol der iddle lol." " Vhy, vhat is it then, my master t " Why, it is fa, la, ra, da." " Vhy how should I know that, my mas- ter?" " Read the book, Sir,"— [5/^.] Some men speak before they think ; others tediously study every word they utter. Some men are mute, from having nothing to say ; some should be mute, because they say nothing to the purpose. Some men say nothing to their wives, and others would be extremely happy if their wives said nothing to them. There are a set of persons who continually 171 ransack a dictionary to puzzle their friends at night, and to pass for men of learning, by using obsolete words and technical terms, which they frequently misapply, to the ex- posure of themselves and the diversion of their hearers. One ofxhese word-grubbers was informed by a friend, that a certain unpopular nobleman had fallen from his horse, and received a severe bhw in his stomachy which, it was thought » would cause a gathering. This valuable piece of news he immediately carried to the Barber's shop, with a very unnecessary alteration of language ; for this dealer in hard words said, that his lordship, in the fall, had received a contusion in his abdominal parts, and 'twas thought 'twould occasion an abcess* Friend Razor was not long possessed of the learned information before a customer came to be shaved* The towel was scarcely tucked under his chin, and my friend Razor employ, ed in beating up a lather, when the usua) question of what news ? was asked. " News !'* says Razor, " why aint you heard the story about Lord Squanderstock?" " No," an- I 2 172 swered the other. "No!" said Razor in surprise ; " why he fell from his horse yes- terday, and received such a confusion in his abo?ninable parts, that 'tis thought 'twill occa- sion his absence. This learned and elegant information of woi;d-grubber, or walking dictionary, might havd come, with propriety, from the mouth of one apothecary to another ; but it was very unsuitable to the capacity of a common shaver, whose utmost extent of language con- sists iri uttering, in a plain,; simple manner, the news of the day, and declaring he can weave " seven pair in an hour, twice in for a cut. But, as a contrast to the Barber, the Apothe- cary will tell you that he is erudite enough to pill, bolus, lotion, potion, draught, drench, dose, bleed, blister, glister, cup, scarify, syringe, salivate, couch, sweat, diet, dilute, tap, plaster, and poultice, all persons, in all diseases, and in all conditions. The Barber improves our outward appear- ance ; the Apothecary does, or ought to do, the same. The Apothecary gives you pow- 173 ders, and the Barber powders you. The Bar- ber may be known, by his smart look and tripping gait ; the Apothecary is known by his sober pace and grave physiognomy. The Barber plasters your head when it is whole, and the Apothecary when it is broken. The Barber often revives a Wig, and the Apothecary sometimes kills a Tory. The Apothecary is the servant of Esculapius, and the Barber of Venus, whom he often prepares for her ap- pearance at the Pantheon. The Apothecary derives his art from Apollo ; he therefore ex~ ercises it on a Sunday ; and the Barber makes no difficulty of doing the same. Comparisons, when properly formed, aptJv applied, and judiciously used, elevate the most eminent species of literature. But when they are vulgarly chosen, and indiscreetly applied, they degenerate, like conundrums or puns, into conceit and bastard wit. They, however, tend to promote conviviality and good humour, and, without good humour, Virtue may awe I 3 174 by its dignity, and amaze by its splendour ; but it will scarcely ever gain a proselyte or attract an imitator. It is remarked by Prince Henry, when he sees Falstaff lying on the ground, that he could have better spared a better man. He was well acquainted with the vices and follies of him whom he lamented ; but, while conviction compelled him to do justice to his superior qualities, his tenderness still broke forth at the remembrance of FalstafF, of the cheerful companion, the loud buffoon, with whom he had passed his time in all the luxury of idle- ness, and who had cheered him with unre- served merriment, which he enjoyed, while he despised his sensuality and cowardice. Many, who are incapable of attaining any general character for excellence, possess some singularity of entertainment which serves them as a passport through life. I have known one, the darling of a weekly club, from singing every night at eleven o'clock, precisely, his favourite song — Did you not hear of Johnny Pringle's pig ? When it was alive, it wasn't very big * 175 If it were alive, why then you might see, Betsy Pringle, Johnny Pringle, and poor Piggy.* Betsy Pringle laid her down and cried, Johnny Pringle laid him down and died ; There was an end of one, two, and three, Betsy Pringle, Johnny Pringle, and poor Piggy. I have known a person endear himself to a long succession of acquaintance by mimick- ing Punch and his wife Joan. [Imitate Punch. Another proved himself the same good fortune, by playing on the mock bassoon. [Imitate the tune of a Busy Humble Bee* Another is reckoned a droll devil, or a droll fish, for imitating sawing. [Imitate the sound of sawing. The amorous parley of two intriguing cats in a gutter, has been a very recommendatory performance. According to this imitation, the gentleman thus addresses the lady : " Moll— Moll-row. Moll-row." Now the Lady. " Cur-well, cur-well, cur-well." Now the Gentleman. " Cur, you love me ? Cur, you love me ?" 14 J 76 Now the Lady. No cur no, cur no." Now the Catastrophe. Hoo, hoo— oh, you whore. 5 * \Imiiafe fighting. THE LONDON CRIES Have carried many a man through life, with the character of a pleasing companion, " Come, Mr; Tompkins, do pray oblige us with the London Cries." be \ " I Will, I will. Weep! Weep I Sweep, sweep, soot oh! Dust, oh! Dust, oh ! Hot cross buns, one a penny buns, two a penny, one a penny — two a penny, hot cross buns ! Cloaths, cloaths!. Any old cloaths! Hot spice gingerrbread, hot I Come, buy my spice ginger-bread, smoaking hot ! Fire stone cheeks for your stoves ! A long tail'd pig, or a short taiPd pig, or a 177 pig without e'er a tail ! A aow pig, or a boar pig, or a pig with a curling tail ! Buy a Dutch loaf for a pudding ! Any knives, scissars^ or razors to grind ! Matches, matches, come buy them of me, They are the best matches that ever you see ; For lighting a candle, or kindling a fire, They are the best mat ehea that you can desire ; I sell my matches as far as Bloomsbury square, God bless the Duke of Bedford, for he lives there ; I sell my matches as far as Charing Cross, God bless the man upon the black horse; I sell my matches as far as Whitehall^ God bless the King and the noblemen ail.". Come, buy my water- cresses, nice young water-cresses. Ground ivy, ground ivy ; come, buy my ground ivy. Singing birds ! — Singing Birds! The last dying speech and confession, both parentage and education, life, character, and behaviour, of the five malefactors that were executed this morning at Newgate ! 15 178 Two full pound for two-pence, Oh rare potatoes ! Oh rare potatoes ! Any broken bottles for a poor old woman to-day ? i Come, my soul, will you buy a bowl ? I'm just come from the Borough, Will you buy a wooden stirrer ? Sand ho ! Sand oh ! my lilly white sand oh ! Mistress, do you want any to-day ? She answers. Ha ! what's that you say ? Sandman. D'ye want any sand to-day ? Mistress. No ! I don't want any to-day. Sandman. Get along ye — whoa ball ; keep the blind horse out of the kindle there, whoa ! Want a horse for your cloaths ? Want a horse for your cloaths ? Past twelve o'clock ! Past twelve o'clock ! Hu, hu ! Look up young man and see if the pin of that window is fastened ; past twelve o'clock, and a cloudy morning ! Such are the innocent means of promoting 179 chearfulness and cementing friendship, and which should never be despised or rigorously censured, unless they are practised to abash Innocence or promote Depravity ; for mankind require diversity of entertainment to chear the tedious sameness that would otherwise render our existence a burthen, instead of a blessing. As the individuals forming the mass of human nature possess different tastes and inclinations, multifarious entertainments are as essential as the many different avocations they are obliged to adopt for subsistence. A nation, therefore, formed upon an equality of manners, is such a solecism in the philosophy of man, as is equally irreconcilable to reason and possibility. In speaking of variety, let us advert to news-papers, which form a most whimsical and laughable example of the various vicissi- tudes and employments of man. Indeed, a news-paper may be justly termed a microcosm, or the world in miniature. In one place, we find the victory of a general ; in another, we observe the desertion of .a private soldier. A man that is too little I 6 180 for a Gazette, may easily creep into an ad* vertisement ; thus we frequently see, in the same paper, an Apothecary with a Plenipoten- tiary, and a Footman with an Ambassador. An advertisement from Piccadilly, goes down the current of time, with an article from Madrid, and John the Painter is mentioned in the same paper with the Emperor of Germany. Another use to which these diurnal publi- cations have been devoted of late years, has been the admission of every species of con- troversy. So great a portion of a news-paper has been allotted for this purpose, that ttfe chief part of advertisements are entiffely v |)6- lemical. The inventors of Razor Strops hav^e written against each other with great bitterness. 1 need not mention the venders of some! bf the Patent Medicines ; nor notice the Dili- gences, Flying Machines, and Post Caaches, together with a hard struggle for the saving half a quarter of a mile, in the road betw6«i Bath and London. The third and last use of these writings fs, to inform the world where they may i>e fur- nished with almost every necessary in life. 181 Should a man have pains in his head and spots on his cloaths, he may here be informed of proper cures and remedies. Would a man recover a wife, or a horse that is stolen or strayed; if he wants new sermons, electua- ries, asses milk, or any thing else, either for his body or his mind, this is the place to look for them. Being on this topic, I must not omit reciting an advertisement which lately appeared in one of our news-papers. It was as follows: " Wanted for a family, who have bad health, a sober, steady person, in the capa- city of doctor, surgeon, apothecary, and man* J»id wife. He must occasionally act in the capacity of butler, and dress hair and wigs. He will be required to read prayers occasionally, and to preach a sermon every Sunday. The reason of this advertisement is, that the family cannot any longer afford the expences of the physical tribe, andwishtobe at a certain expence for their bodies and souls. A good salary will be given. '* Enquire for W. D. at the Pine-Apple, Orchard Street, 182 M N. B. He will be at liberty to turn a penny in any of his professions when not wanted in the family." A collection of advertisements is a kiad of miscellany ; the writers of which, contrary to all authors, give money to those who publish their copies. The genius of the publisher is chiefly displayed by his method of arranging and digesting their little tracts ; the last paper I met with places them in the following order — Shining Liquid Blacking for Shoes. The Beautifying Cream for the Face. A New and Complete System of Geography. The Bath Sun- Fire Office. To be Sold, by Private Contract, a Freehold* Wants a Place, a middle-aged Woman. Shoes and Boots. The Present State of America. English Coffee. Corn Salve. Lloyd's Wax and Spermaceti Warehouse-; and, Bell's Edition of Shakespeare. 183 Describing the humours and manners of the age we live in has always been considered useful and entertaining. No country pos- sesses more singular people than England, where a merit, if not a virtue, is made of a peculiarity of character. And such is the natural independency of their temper, that every person is proud of living agreeably to his own fancy. I have known a muff, or a head-dress become a solid blessing or mis- fortune. A lap-dog has broken the hearts of thousands. How frequently has a lady been thrown into a fit by a neglect at a ball or an assembly! Flavia has kept her chamber ever since the last masquerade, and is in greater danger of her life from being left out of it than Clarinda is, from the violent cold she caught in it. Nor are these dear creatures the only sufferers by such imaginary cala* mities : many an author has been dejected at the censure of an idiot; and as many heroes have been thrown into a fit of melancholy by the rabble hooting him as he passed through the streets. A runing horse is a source of happiness to one, wjaiie a gilded chariot, a 1$4 sword-knot, or a tulip, form the summum bonum of others. But as it would be endless to enumerate all the fantastical oddities in this kingdom, I shall conclude this part with displaying a few of them. The unwearied application which an En- glishman gives to a favourite study is incre- dible : every other idea is nearly absorbed by what he is pursuing. This creates that ab- straction of the mind which is more frequently seen in mental absences in this country than in any other. Dick Shatterbrain, having purchased a se- cond-hand coat at one of the old eloaths shops in Monmouth-street, observed, at the next door, a butcher's shop, and being desirous of keeping the wind out of his stomach, as well as from his back .and shoulders, asked the price of a leg of mutton, which the butcher told him was two and three-pence. * 4 Two shillings and three-pence !" echoed Dick; *' why sure, my worthy friend, you must have lost your senses. Two shillings and three-pence for that leg of muttQn, why I can buy a new one for that price." 185 Demogritus, who was one of those phi- losophers, who thought all things depended upon chance and atoms, and laughed at hu- man weakness and vanity, was so weak and vain himself as to put out his eyes, that he might have the reputation of philosophizing more profoundly than any of his predecessors or cotemporaries. Caligula, Emperor of Rome, con- ferred the honour of priesthood upon his horse. Darius the First, King of Persia, boasts, in his epitaph, of having been a great drinker. He says, I could both drink a great deal of wkte jand carry it well. Crellius, a famous Socinian, published a , system of morals, wherein he maintains* that a man may lawfully teat his wife. This reminds us of our modern judicial Crellius* who defended the right of a man to beat his wife with a ftick^ provided it was. not' thicker than his, thumb. Sir William Tejviple says, that the abilities of man must fall short on one side or the other ; like too scanty a blanket whent^ you are on your bed : if you pull it on your. 186 shoulders, you leave your feet bare ; and if you place it on your feet your shoulders are uncovered. Friend is an appellation given and received by many that have little or no claim to the character. How much it must appear abused, when the highwayman comes to your coach- door, and salutes you, you thus address him witli — Pray, friend, take away the pistol, and don't alarm the ladies; which is a title we give to women of all sorts : the Lamp-lighter, the Shoe-black, and the Porter on a Sunday with their wives a mile out of town. " Vont touch any wittles 'till the Ladies 4Jre helpt." For every woman, on a Sunday at least, considers herself a Lady; and you cannot affront her more grossly than to withhold from her that distinguished title. Having studied the vocabulary of affectation, she imagines it pdlite to say — u Mem, purdigious, exquisite, quiie the bung 187 tung" — and many other words equally welt pronounced, and as well applied. The youth, who carries out parcels in the forenoon, begins to think, ere evening, that he really is a gentleman. He calls every mop-squeezer a Lady, believes himself a man of fashion, and, to support his opinion, plumps himself into a sedan, and orders it to Lovejoy's. This causes the dissipation of the subordinate departments of life, and its at- tendant consequences: Miss, beating hemp in Bridewell, fancies herself a Countess in distress ; and the youth, in a cart, is conscious of his having the air of a Lord. Shakespeare says, " Let your clowns speak no more than what is set down for them : for there will be some of them that will laugh themselves, to set on a number of barren spectators to do the same, though there be some necessary part of the play to be then observed." But I have known Actors, who, although 188 they Were desirous of expressing their author, have yet committed inadvertently an error. The following anecdote is an example : A Veteran in the York Company was play- ing the part of Don Pedro, in the Spanish Friar. It being in the race week, the stage happened to be crouded by such as could not get places before the curtain. This Veteran, as Don Pedro, being asked the question of what hopes? His answer should have been — " As much as when physicians shake their heads, And bid their dying patients think of Heaven." But, unfortunately, one of the Jockies, who was among the croud upon the stage, stuck, either by design or accident, the rowel of his spur in his back, just as he had got to the last line. His answer therefore to the ques- tion of what hopes ? was literally — " As much as when physicians shake their heads, and bid their dying patients- -Go to hell, ahdbedamn'd!" As John Dryden's Pegasus was not to be 189 pushed forward by a Yorkshire jockey, this was certainly spurring the actor in the wrong place. But of all the Tragedians that ever trage- dized, he was the most outre in his own per- formance, whose satire made him the dread of every other theatrical performer, I mean our late English Aristophanes, Mr* Foote. He was a great favourite with the town, and, as a comic writer and a mimic, a most de- served one. But acting is to be considered on principles much more extensive. His performance of Othello was such a master-piece of burlesque, that it has never yet been forgotten by those who saw it. But however extravagantly outre this may have been, it could never equal the burlesque he displayed in Hamlet, which he performed for his own benefit at Bath. When he came to the quarrel in the last act with Laertes where the following lines occur : 190 *' What is the reason that you use me thus ? I lov'd thee ever — but 'tis no matter. Let Hercules himself do what he may, The Cat will mew— the dog will have his day. v> Instead of this, he said, in his usual way, [Imitating Foote. M What is the reason that you use me thus ? — I lov'd thee ever. But 'tis no matter ■ — let Hercules himself do what he may— the dog will mew — No, no ! that's wrong — the cat will bark — Oh no! — -that's the dog— the dog will mew — No — that's the cat — the cat will — No !- — that's the dog again— the cat — the dog -—the dog — the cat — Pshaw — Pish — Pox — 'tis something about barking, mewing, and cater- walling, but, as I hope to be saved, Ladies and Gentlemen, I know nothing more about the matter*" It has been customary to teach young per- formers to throw it out, keep it up, go through with it, and use their arms and legs— so as m not to stand like a tragedy tea-pot, with one hand stuck by his side, like the hand, and the other stretched out in this manner, like the spout. So that the actor is always in motion, and appears as if he had St. Vitus's dance. Mr. Mossop, the once celebrated tragedian, was distinguished among the ways of the Green Room, by the appellation of the one- handed actor. Mr. Churchill says in his Rosciad, that his right hand was always labouring away, while his left was totally supine. But this defective habit was completely cured by Mr. Garrick telling him the fol T lowing story of a one-handed actor, who had a wooden arm. Disdaining that one hand should have all the labour, he would strike the wooden one with the other, so as to set it on a full swing like the pendulum of a clock, In this manner— 192 *' I own the glorious subject fires my breast, And my soul's darling passion stands confest. {Bang goes Clumpey, Beyond myself or virtue's sacred band- Beyond my life I prize my native land 5 {Bang. Think England's peace bought cheaply with my blood, And die with pleasure for my country's good." Bang, bang, and so swing swang, dingle dangle, went the wooden limb, while the poor Actor was as proud of it as he was of his living ones. Although performers neglecting the study of their profession deserve reprehension, yet I must exempt such from censure as have been neglectful from their endeavours proving unsuccessful. In this situation was the late facetious George Alexander Stevens, at Lynn, in Norfolk. Having played there several nights to empty benches, he neglected to 193 study the part of Lorenzo, in the Merchant of Venice, which he had to perform before the company left the town. He, however, bustled through it tolerably well until he came to the last act, where he should have said to Jessica— " In such a night as this, Leander swam the Hellespont, and brav'd the w r inds and waves for Hero's sake," Sec. &c. Instead of which he began thus — " Oh Jessica ! in such a night as this the — man — swam over the water- — and he div'd and he duck'd — and he duck'd and he div'd — 'till he got to the other side — and — there, you know, he met with his — his sweetheart — and there Jessica, you know, they met each other. This was intolerable ! The audience * per- ceiving the cause, expressed their disapproba- tion by a general hiss from every part of the theatre. Stevens, greatly irritated by this, re- solved to quit the town — as he termed it, in a blaze, He took, therefore, Jessica by th? m hand, and — leading her forward, addressed the audience thus — ^ " O Jessica, in such a night as this we came to town, And since that night we've touchMbut half a crown, Let you and I then bid these folks good night, For if we longer stay? they'll starve us quite. Damn me." FINIS. B>e and Law, Printers, St. John's Square, Ckriramel! BOOKS PUBLISHED By H.D. SYMONDS, No. 20, PaternosterRow. This day is published in 8vo. price 7s. in boards, t. Q KETCH of the LIFE and Literary Career of l3 AUGUSTUS VON KOTZEBUE. With the Journal of his Tour to Paris at the close of the year 1790. Written by himself. ; Translated from the German by ANNE PLUMPTRE. To which is subjoined an Appen- dix, including a general Abstract of Kotzebue's Works. 2. In Foolscap 8vo. embellished with an elegant Fron- tispiece, price 5s. in boards, INTERESTING ANEC- DOTES of the Heroic Conduct of WOMEN during the French Revolution. Translated from the French of M. Dubroca. The greater part of these Anecdotes are new to the World, having been rescued from oblivion by the generous assiduity of the Writer of this Work ; and such as are well known are related with new and authentic Circumftances, that give even to these an air of Novelty. 3. In One Volume, price 4s. boards. The FRIEND of WOMEN : a Translation from the French of Eourdier de Villemert. By ALEXANDER MORRICE. 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Its in- tention is obviously to facilitate and extend the Knowledge of an Author, of whom England has just reason to be proud j and whose — — ■■ works are such As neither Man nor Muse can praise too much. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 021 100 637 71 ^^i'fifJujiitJirri ^flilllliiiijulixE '*"f£,4J»»*r*' , k* " mm ffTrrfitftiiiMirjiyg • ■ ''.'''■■■■■■' .' 2S5S32 JflflfflBPfyflffilXffrr BfeJCjCCoCC SCC