French's International Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and the United States) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors No. 304. A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES A iffarr^ In <§nB Art BY JESSIE A. KELLEY Copyright, 1915, by Samuel French No permission is required to produce this play PRICE 25 CENTS New York SAMUEL FRENCH PUBLISHER London SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 26 Southampton Street 28-30 WEST 38th STREET I STRAND A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES A iffarrp in (^ne Act BY JESSIE A. KELLEY Copyright, 1915, by Samuel French No permission is required to produce this pit New York SAMUEL FRENCH PUBLISHER 28-30 WEST 38th Street London SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 26 Southampton Street, STRAND TMP96-006'*59 ©C1.D 40948 JUN 16 1915 A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES CHARACTERS. Photographer Mr. Unhappy Mrs. Harlow A fond mother Mildred Harlow Grace Harlow . . . .Adults dressed as children Mr. Sargent Very wealthy Mrs. Jotham Very stout Miss Slight Very thin Mrs. Newrich Bound to hare ancestors Mr. \\''rong Jilio is all zvrong Mrs. Changed IVho doesn't know herself Rube and Sal IVho zuon't be cheated li desired all the parts can be taken by women simply changing Mr. to Mrs. in all cases except Rube's. His part could readily be taken by a woman dressed in man's clothes with a long, old- iashioned linen duster reaching almost to the floor. COSTUMES. Mrs. Harlow. Grotesque attire. Mildred and Grace. Made up to look as plain and ungainly as possible. Mildred could have something put over two front teeth to make them appear missing. Freckles would be an addition. 3 4 A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. Mr. Sargent. Very sliowy suit and necktie — much striking looking jewelry — has an enormous wart on nose which may be made of gum. Mrs. Jotham. Rather careless an.d untidy in dress or grotesque costume. Miss Slight. Clothes to accentuate slimness — grotesque and old maidish. Mrs. Newrich. Very much overdressed in the exaggerated style of the day, carries lorgnette. Mrs. Changed. Well dressed in ordinary street costume. Rube and Sal. As ridiciUous a country make-up as possible. They carry old-fashioned valise and old green umbrella. Other characters in ordinary dress or grotesque. STAGE ARRANGEMENT. The stage should be arranged to represent a photographer's studio with a large camera on tripod, photos on walls and table, some chairs and screens standing about and a mirror, which should be much used by the customers, on tlie wall. A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES Photographer. (JVorking over camera) I wonder what freaks I'll have here this morning. A photographer's studio is a great place to study human nature, the fat want to look thin, the thin want to look fat, the cross want to look pleasant, the jolly want to look sad, the old want to look young, the young want to look old, the tall want to look short, the short want to look tall and every other change that could imaginably be rung in on human looks. Ho, hum, it's a discontented old world. (Mrs. Harlow enters with Mildred and Grace.) Mrs. Harlow. Good morning. Are you the photographer ? Photographer. Yes, I am. Mrs. Harlow. Do you take real good pictures? Photographer. The very best. I'll put my work up beside anybody's. Mrs. Harlow. Do you take children's pictures? Photographer. Yes, indeed, I make a specialty of children's pictures. Mildred. I don't want my picture took. I had 5 6 A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. a tooth pulled onct and it hurt orful and I bet it hurts worse to hev your picture took. Photographer. No, indeed, my little lady, it doesn't hurt a bit. I could put you in that pretty chair over there and give you a nice book to look at and it would be done in a minute. Mrs. Harlow. How much do you charge? Photographer. Five dollars a dozen, Mrs-. Harlow. Five dollars a dozen ! Why, I only have these two beautiful children and I don't care about paying for pictures of the neighbors' children. Photographer. You misunderstand me, madam, I mean five dollars for a dozen pictures of your two lovely children. Mrs. Harlow. Oh, I thought you mfeant I had to have a dozen children. Photographer. Do you wish to have them taken together or separate? Mrs. Harlow. Oh, I want the little darlings to- gether. They do love each other so much and they have such angelic dispositions ! (Mildred and Grace have been hitting one another, pulling hair, making faces, etc.) Photographer. \\'ell, take oft" their hats and coats and fix their hair and we'll soon have a fine picture of them. They are such beautiful children they will make a lovely picture. (Aside) That always fixes the mother. Strange how much flattery women will swallow about their children. They're the homeliest kids Pve seen for a long time. Mrs. Harlow. (Arranging Mildred's hair) Yes, everybody says they are beautiful. I am get- ting their pictures taken to send to the beauty con- test that is running in our paper. (To IMrLDREo) Now stand still while I get your hair fixed nice. Mildred. I don't want my hair fixed nice. I A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 7 won't have any old picture took. {Rtimples hair) Mrs Harlow. See how httle sister lets me fix hers Come over here, Gracie dear. (Grace begtns to howl and kick) . , GrIce. I want to go home ! I want to go home ! I don't like that man's face. Mrs Harlow. Sh, Gracie dear Gracf I don't care, I don't like h,m and I won t . V He' cot a face like a monkey and I hate hmi. I'm goingn°ome. (Grace rushes for door, Mrs. Harlow grabs her) , ., Mrs Harlow. No, you are not gomg home. 1 haven't dressed vou all up in your best clothes foi nothing. You are going to have your pictures taken now I have you all ready. Let me fix your hair. Grace. I won't, I won't, I \von t. Photographer. Come over here and see what I have in this box. (Photographer ol:ens box a ve,y ''t.iEr^'/do^t care what's in your old box, I ^■'p\SRrPHEt- (Peepi.,inbo.) Isn't it cun ninc.^ See its little eyes! (Mildred o»irf Grace edg7over slozvly .vhUe he keeps ^"Ikmandfi-^^ look in the box) Now, if you are nice little girl^ and sit over in that chair I'll let you take this box home v.-ith you. Come along! (Mildred and Grace rather umvilUngly are led to the chair. Photographer poses them ana goes to camera. MilMed slaps Grace.) Mrs. Harlow. What did you do that for, ^''mildrfj>. She kicked me and she's taking up all * Photographer. Now I shall have to fix you all over again. (Again poses them, goes back to camera) 8 A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. Mrs. Harlow. Oh, dear, Mildred's hair doesn't look nice now {Fives Mildred's hair) and Grace your dress is all wrinkled up (Arranges dress) Photographer. All ready now, just smile a little. Look at tliis little fellow. {Dangles some doll or monkey) Now. (Snaps camera just as Mildred sticks out tongue at Grace) You've spoiled that plate, stuck out your tongue just as I snapped it. Pll try once more. I think, perhaps, madam, if you should go out I could do better with the children. Mrs. Harlow. Now be good, little angels. Mildred. I ain't no angel and I don't want to be no angel. (Mrs. Harlow goes out.) Photographer. You'd better be an angel for a few minutes. (Poses them again) Now if you dare to move out of that position Pll shut you both up in that dark closet over there and it's full of rats. Do you hear? Mildred and Grace. (Very meekly) Yes, sir. (Photographer goes to camera, dangles toy.) Photographer. Now, smile. (Mildred and Grace look rather frigJitened and sober) Smile, I tell you. H you don't, into that closet you go. (They smile feebly and he snaps camera) All right. You may come in now, madam. (Mrs. Harlow enters) You can get down now, girls. They behaved beautifully. (Mrs. Harlow and children get on wraps) The proofs will be ready to-morrow. Shall I mail them or will you call? Mrs. Harlow. I will call. I can hardly wait to see how the beautiful darlings look in a picture. Photographer. You -can pay two dollars now and the rest when you get the pictures. Mrs. Harlow. I don't know as I ousrht to have A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 9 had these pictures taken now as my husband has been out of work for some time and we owe six months' rent and a big bill at the grocer's but I told my husband I didn't know any easier way to make five hundred dollars than to have these lovely darl- ings' pictures taken and sent in to the beauty contest. Pm sure they'll win first prize. Don't you think so? Photograppier. They surely will (Aside) not, (Grace hits Mildred.) Mildred. Stop, quick, he'll put us in that closet. (Both look at Photographer zirho points to closet. Mr. Sargent enters.) Photographer. Good morning, Mr. Sargent. Fine morning. Mr. Sargent. Great! That portrait of mine all finished now? Photographer. Yes, all done, I'll show it to you in just a minute. (To Mrs. Harlow and chil- dren zvho are going out) PU have the proofs all ready by ten to-morrow. (Mrs. Harlow and children go out. Mildred puts head in door and sticks out tongue.) Mildred. You hateful old thing, you don't dare to put me in that closet. (Photograplier makes move towards her, she slams door and runs.) Photographer. That's the homeliest, hatefulest kid Pve seen for a long time and her fond mother thinks her a vision of goodness and loveliness. Queer things these mothers are! (Gets large 10 A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. picture) Just finished this yesterday. I think it a speaking hkeness, Eve caught such a natural ex- pression. Don't you think so? Mr. Sargent. {Looking at it critically) Not bad, Mr. Unhappy, not at all bad but you've left out a most essential feature. Photographer. Excuse me but I thought you wouldn't care to have the — the — er — er — the — er ■ — the wart put in the picture. Mr. Sargent. (Angrily) Wart, sir! Wart I Who said anything about a wart? Ed thank you to mind your own business. I don't want any wart in the picture but confound it, I do want my diamonds to show. What did you think I was liaving a picture painted for if it wasn't to let folks know I have diamonds. Photographer. I can easily remedy that. Let me see how many diamonds you have. (Looks at Mr. Sargent's jezvelry) All right, I'll put them in for you. Mr. Sargent. You might put in a few more than I have on. Ell pay you ten dollars extra for every one 3^ou can work in. Em going to send this portrait to a lady friend of mine and I want it to make a hit with her. Photographer. Ell make you shine like the stars and have it all ready for you to-morrow. Mr. Sargent. All right, be sure to put in all the diamonds you possibly can. Good morning. (Exit Mr. Sargent. Enter Mrs. Jotham.) Photographer. Good morning, madam. What can I do for you this morning? Mrs. Jotham. Eve come to hev my pictur took. My folks hev been a peskerin' of me fur some time but las' time I hed one took you'd hev thought ter look at it I wuz a stout woman and you kin see at one look Em inclined ter l)e slim. I wuz A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 11 so disgusted with 'em I burned 'em all up and I ain't never tried sence. Do you think you can take a pictur that will make me look as slim as I ralely be. Photographer. We'll see what we can do. Look these pictures over and see what position you would like. {Hands her some photos which she looks oz^er) Mrs. Jotham. I don't jest like any of these. (Spies very large picture of slight, stylish girl on 7vall, goes over to it) Now thet's a right smart lookin' pictur an' jest about my size and style I should say. Do you think I could stand like thet? {Tries to pose like picture) Guess thet's about it, ain't it? Photographer. Stand right over here and w^e'll try what we can do. Do you want to keep your hat on? Mrs. Jotham. Yes {Points to picture) she hez hers on and I want mine to look jest like hers. Photographer. {Tzvisting Mrs. Jotham's head) There, hold your head just so. (Mrs. Jotham holds her head very stiff.) Photographer. No, not so stiff, hold it natur- ally. So. {Poses head) Mrs. Jotham. Let me get another look at the way that gal is holdin' hers. So? Hev I got it now? Photographer. No. {Takes hold of head, turns it one zvay, then another, then goes and looks through camera, comes hack and adjusts again, bending over her) Mrs. Jotham. Fur the land's sakes ! I didn't know but you wuz agoin' ter kiss me and I warn you that you'd better not or Josiah'd make it warm fur you. He's turrible jealous, is Josiah. Photographer. Don't be at all alarmed, madam. (Gives head another turn, looks through camera) 12 A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. A'ery good, now one, two, three, ready. All done, madam. (Mrs. Jotham looks at picture on zvall again.) Mrs. Jotham. Guess my folks will be powerful pleased when they see the stylish pictur I hev. I hope it'll look jest like thet gal. Photographer. You pay two dollars down and the rest when your pictures are ready. Mrs. Jotham. Indeed and I call that cheeky. How do I know I like 'em and then where'U my two dollars be? Photographer. You'll have to pay that before I go ahead with the pictures. Mrs. Jotham. Here 'tis then but I tell you now if the picturs ben't rale slim and stylish lookin' jest like I be I shan't take one of 'em. I must liurry up an' buy some socks fur Josiah and get home to dinner. I left a biled dinner a cookin' on the stove. Photographer. Your proofs v\^ill be ready to- morrow. Mrs. Jotham. All right, but be sure to make 'em rale slim an' stylish looking or I shan't take 'em. (E.vit Mrs. Jotham. Enter Miss Slight.) Miss Slight. I want to get a picture of my- self that doesn't look like a string bean. Every picture I have looks like a skeleton, and Fve answered an advertisement in a matrimonial paper and Eve had a real nice letter from a young man and he wants my picture and T shouldn't wonder if Ed get him if I can only get the right kind of a picture. Do you think you could take a picture of me that would look real plump? Photographer. Ell do the best I can. A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 13 Miss Slight. I want you to help me so I am going to tell you just the truth. Are you all alone? Photographer. Yes, all alone. Miss Slight. Eve been trying- for twenty years to get a husband and have never been able to. Now I think this is a chance and it may he nv; last one so I don't want to lose it so please do help me all you can. If I can only get a nice, plump looking picture that er — that — well — that docsn t look any older than I am I feel he will propose in the next letter. He has written me such a sweet letter. I wear it over my heart all the time. Oh, it will break my heart if I lose this one ! I have had so many disappointments. Photographer. Cheer up, I think we can fix up a picture that will make him propose in short order. Miss Slight. Oli, if you only can, you'll have my everlasting gratitude and Ell remember you in mv prayers every ni<^ht. (Miss- Slight arranges hair and dress before mirror) Photographer. Now right here, sit down iu this chair. (Adjusts) There, that position — no — just so — that's better. Now let me put something in your cheeks to fill them out. (Puts something inside eaeli cheek) There, that's better. (Runs to camera, looks, then hack again to Miss Slight) A little more this way — so — yes. (Takes another look through camera) Your face looks quite plump but your hands look too skinny. Here, let me drape this shawl over your shoulders and cover your hands. There, that's better. (Another look through camera) Ell loosen that shawl over the shoulders so you'll look stouter. (Looks through camera again) That's fine, only one cheek looks fatter than the other. We must fix that or he'll think you have mumps on one side. (Goes to Miss Slight and pushes bunch around in cheek) Does that hurt vou? 14 A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. Miss Slight. {Holding onto cheeks and trying to talk) Yes, it hurts but I don't care if I only can get a picture that will make that dear, lovely young man propose to me. Photographer. Now, your hair, let me arrange that. (Pulls and fixes hair, the more ridiculous the better, looks through camera) There, if that picture wouldn't melt a heart of stone, what would? Miss Slight. H it will only melt his heart! His letter has melted mine. {Holds hand over heart) Photographer. Now smile sweetly. (Miss Slight tries to smile and disarranges cheek stuffing) Oh, dear, the other cheek has the mumps now. {Arranges cheek again) Now, try to smile care- fully so it won't disarrange the stuffing. (Miss Slight smiles a very stiff, forced smile and holds herself in a very tense position. Photographer at camera) All ready, ready — Done. Miss Slight. {Removes cheek padding and drazvs a long breath) Oh, do you think Ell look plump? Em so anxious I shan't sleep a wink to- night. Oh, if it will only look young and pretty and plump. Photographer. Just had a stout woman in here that wanted a thin picture. Too bad you and she couldn't change back again quick enough. Human couldn't change back again quik eonugh. Human nature is never suited. Miss Slight. Do you think Ell look real stylish in the picture? Photographer. I expect it'll be a stunner. Miss Slight. Oh, I am so glad and Ell send it to the dear man right off and you shall be invited to the wedding and have a piece of the wedding cake. Em going to wear a long veil with orange blossoms and Ell have you take another picture of me in my bridal dress. It was so nice of you to help me. Do finish it up quick, won't you, so I can A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 15 mail it just as. son as possible. I shouldn't wonder a bit if some bold women had sent him their pictures already. Photograph. Yes. Pll do it just as soon as I can. (Aside) I don't know but Pll be arrested for conspiracy in fraudulent use of the mail. {Aloud) Three dollars now and the rest when they are finished. Miss Slight. Pll give every cent I own in the world if I can only get a nice, plump picture. Do hurry, won't you, I just can't stand this dreadful suspense much longer. Pm afraid Pm getting thinner every day. Do please go right to work at them . Good-bye. (Exit Miss Slight. Enter Mrs. Newrich.) ' 1^,'Irs. Ni'WRICh. (Very haiKjJity manner) I have come to see about having pictures of my father and mother to hang in our family galley. Them horrid Van Dusens next to us think they are so much better than we be just because they have a whole row of horrid, old fashioned looking crea- tures they call .their anticesters hanging in their hall or galley, is it, they call it. Photographer. Perhaps you mean gallery, do ^>ou? Mrs. Newrich. Yes. come to think of it I guess that was it. Some furrin word I s'pose. Now we have a lot more money than that horrid, proud Van Dusen faniily if we did make it ped- dling fish and Pm just going to show them I have some anticesters too. Photographer. For vrhat day did you want to make the appointment for your father and mother to sit for their pictures? Mrs. Newrich. Sit for their pictures! \\'hy, they've been dead these twenty years. 11} A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. Photoc:rapher. Oh, you have some pictures you Avish a^pied. Mrs. Ne\v'Rich. No^ they never had a picture taken in their lives. Photographer. AVell, I hardly see how I am going to make any pictures of them for you. I never saw them in my life. Mrs. Newrich. Isn't that a picture of David over there? Photographer. Yes, it is. Mrs. Newrich. Did you paint it? Photographer. Yes. ^iRS. Newrich. Did you ever see David? Photographer. No. Mrs. Newrich. Well, if you can paint a picture of him, } ou can paint one of m}^ father and mother, can't you? Photographer. Perhaps so. Mrs. Newrich. And I don't want no old- fashioned clothes on them either like them Van Duscns have on their family poultices. Photographer. Portraits you mean? Ihis. NE^^'RICH. Pd be ashamed to have poultices of my grandfather and grandmother look as old-fashioned as theirs do. I want them both dressed in the very latest style and be sure to wave mother's hair though she never would crimp it one bit and put a good high collar on father. He never wore a collar in his life but he's got to wear one in this ]Mcture. It always did try me so to see him going around without any collar on. PnoTOGiiAPHER. Wait a minute, I think I have some pictures that will do for your father and mother. ( Goes to one side of stage and brings over two fn:in