THE LUDICROUSLY ABSURD FARCICAL COMEDY IN ONE ACT, TWO SCENES AND ONE THOUSAND AND ONE LAUGHS, ENTITLED BLUNDERS; •OR- THAT MAN FROM GALWAY. WRITTEN BY (( I JOHN T. KELLY, OF KELLY AND RYAN -"THE BARDS OF TARA.'" '* Jl COPYRIGHTED BY KELLY AND RYAN. THE LUDICROUSLY ABSURD FARCICAL COMEDY IN ONE ACT, TWO SCENES AND ONE THOUSAND AND ONE LAUGHS, ENTITLED BLUNDERS; -OK- THAT MAN FROM GALWAY. WRITTEN BY JOHN T. KELLY, OF KELLY AND RYAN— "THE BARDS OF TARA." CHARACTER REGISTER. JEKEMIAH McGINTY— "That Man from Galway"— JOHN T. KELLY. DENNIS McSWEENY— "Alias "Major the Crank"— THOS. J. RYAN. CHARLEY TEMPLETON-"Who Manufactures a Poet," - - - FRITZ WACKER-"Who Bought a New Hat," ARCHIE PATTERSON-Who Plays a Minister in the Game, - - OFFICER CLUB-"A Model Policeman," PROF. N. G. SUYDAM-"An Old Book Worm," - - - - . MR. HOSSCAR WILD— "A Young Sunflower," SAMM5T QUILLS— "Reporter for the Spanish Bladder," - ... ____«__ DANDY JIM— "A Waiter, Alias 'The Jumping Jack,' " - - - - MRS. MELROSE— "A Wealthy Poetic Widow," MISS MAY SIMKINS— "So Awfully Fond of Flowers," - MISS KITTY SNOWDROP-"Too, Too, Utterly Utter," .... MISS SUSAN ROSEBUD-" Your Autograph, Please?" .... LITTLE SUNBEAM— "Who Likes Candy," MRS. NORA McGINTY-"Who Lost and Found her Jerry," - - City Characters, a Host of Guests, <&o. SCENE FIRST. A STKEET. Boor Left and Rigid in Flat. Boor left — sign, "Boarding House" Boor right— "Buff ifs Saloon" Enter R. I. E, Charley fempleton, fotloived by Archie and Fritz. Charley. — Well boys I'm in the most terrible fix you can imagine. Archie and Fritz. — How is that ? Charley. — You are both acquainted with Mrs. Melrose the wealthy widow on , you know also that she is crazy over poetry, her former husband was a poet, and she's almost insane over Augustus Roderigo Spangle's Poems, a poet that lives in an obscure village in Spain, that seldom goes into society. She has read some of his works and fallen desperately in love with him. So much so that she has offered a premium to anybody that will introduce this Spangle. Well I told her I was well acquainted with him and said I was sure I could induce him to come and see her. Archie. — Well, what are you going to do ? Fritz. — Say Charley, didn't you notice something about me to-day ? (Charley and Archie look at Fritz all over.) Charley, (to Archie.) — Why he has a new hat. Now that is a dandy, why I never saw that before. Fritz. — No, I just got it to-day. Charley. — Well that's a great hat. How much did you pay for it ? Fritz. — Twelve dollars. Charley and Archie. — Well, that's cheap. Charley. — Why, it's dirt cheap. Say Archie, come with me and I'll get one. Just the thing for the opera." Archie. — Oh, you can't get one, they only make one a year. Charley. — yes I can. Fritz. — No, this is the only one he had. The man had this fifteen years. Charley. — Well its a great hat. Fritz. — It looks good on me, don't it ? Charley. — Yes it looks good, it looks better on a nail, but it looks good. Now Archie . Fritz. — Say Charley, have you got a looking-glass with you ? TMP96-006523 Charley. — No. Go in Duffy's and look in one of his beer glasses. Now Archie, I wrote to this Spangle and he writes me in reply, that it is impossible for him to come, but he sent me his photograph. I'm going to get some clever fellow to impersonate this poet, and this photograph will enable me to disguise him to look like Spangle. Archie. — Oh I see you are up to your old tricks again. Charley. — Yes while there's a thousand . Fritz. — Say Charley, you want to get somebody that looks like this picture here ? Charley. — That's the idea. Fritz. — I know just the man you want. Charley. — Well, where is he ? Fritz. — He's dead now, if he was alive you could get him. Archie. — What's the matter with your brother, can't he play the poet ? Fritz. — He's in jail, he won't be out for three years. Charley. — Well, we can't allow this money to slip through our fingers. We must get somebody to play the poet ? Fritz. — Say Charley, does this hat look good on me ? Charley. — Oh bother the hat, let it drop. Fritz. — No, I won't do it. Charley. — Won't do what ? Fritz. — Won't let the hat drop. Do I want to spoil it — "looks off, R." Charley. — Let the subject drop. Now Archie, you can play the poet? Archie. — No, I can't play the poet. Let him play it, him and the hat. Charley. — No, no, well you can play the minister, marry whoever I get to Mrs. Melrose, we'll get the money and take a trip to Europe. Fritz. — Say Archie, tell all the boys I got the hat, will you ? Say Charley does the hat look good ? Charley. — Yes, yes, there is a couple of girls going down the street. Look at them. N ow Archie, will you try this minister ? Archie. — How mnch do we get ? Charley. — Why, she gives me one thousand dollars. You get five hundred dollars, I get five hundred, and he gets a dollar. Fritz, (surprised.) — How is that ? Charley. — Why it's plain enough, he gets five hundred dollars, I get five hundred dollars, and you get the dollar. Fritz. — Say, give me a glass of beer, I don't want any mor.ey ? Charley. — What do you want ? You ought to be glad we are letting you go around with us. Fritz. — Oh, I'm glad I'm alive. Charley. — Now Archie, will you try this minister ? Archie. — I haven't any clothes for the minister? Charley. — Why all you want is a long black coat, a pair of black side whiskers, a long hair wig, make up your face and say something for the marriage ceremony. Archie. — Do you think I can do it ? Charley. — Why I know you can if you only trv. Archie.— All right I'll try it. Charley. — Well let us go into Duffy's and talk it oxer. {Charley, Archie and Fritz exit through door of Duffy s Saloon. Railroad Bells are lieard. Hackmen yell outside. Ladies, Gents, City Characters enter from left of stage. Railroad Depot. Last to enter is Jeremiah McOinty. The Bootblack gets down to shine his shoes. He sees him, and kicks him and his box one side. Officer Club grabbed Jerry by the shoulder.) Officer, (to Jerry.) — See here, see here, what's all this trouble going on here ? Jerry. — Why, that young divel, I just caught him trying to steal my shoes right here on the street. Bootblack. — Don't believe him sir, he pulled out a big butcher's knife and tried to stab me in the ribs. Officer. — He did, eh ! Well you're a nice looking plum to pull a butcher's knife on a little boy like that. Just come along with me. (Dragging him along.) Jerry. — What's the matter with you ? I never pulled a butcher's knife on him. Officer. — No talk back — come with me. Jerry. — See here, I'm a stranger in this city, so be careful. Officer. — Eh! what, don't tell me to soak my head. Jerry. — I didn't tell you to poke your head. I'm a stranger here sir. (Shows money.) Officer. — (Looks at money) Oh well, I didn't know, I might of been mistaken. Didn't you pull a butcher's knife on him ? Well I'm sorry I troubled you, but just bear in mind one thing, there's honest police- men in and don't you forget it. (going off E.) Go away from there ! (Exit.) Jerry — A butcher's knife, well there all alike, every one of them, well I landed at Castle Garden three weeks ago, came on here with my wife this morning. I told her to stop in the depot until I went up town to look for my cousin, Pat. O'Brian. He lives at number 17 . Well I couldn't find 17 or could I find my wife at the depot when I got there. (Enter from Duffy's, Charley, Archie and Fritz, talking.) Charley. — (Looking in at Door of Duffy,) Now Duffy if that gentle- man calls just detain him, won't you ? (to Archie) Now Archie you be sure and be on hand. Archie. — Oh I'll be there, (starting to go) Charley, see him ? (point- ing at Jerry,) (Exit L. I. E.) Charley. — Fritz, that fellow in Duffy's will never do in the world. Jerry. — I'll ask them about my cousin. Fritz.— Why so Charley? Charley. — In the first place, he is not stout enough. We would want somebody about your build. Fritz. — Well, we can take him out in the country and get him fat. Charley. — No there is no resource left, (sees Jerry) Go on, go on, we have no pennies for you. Jerry. — Pennies ! I don't want any Pennies. Fritz. — Well what do you want, a bowl of soup ? Jerry. — I don't want no soup either. I was going to ask you gen- tlemen if you knew my cousin, Pat. O'Brian. Charley. — W^ell where does he live ? Jerry. — Well, when I heard from him last in the old country, he lived at number 17 and that was the year of the big wind. Fritz. — And when was the year of the big wind ? Jerry. — The same year old Casey's cow had three calves. Charley. — And when did Casey's cow have three calves ? Jerry. — About half-past ten of a Tuesday morning. I was there at the time. Fritz.-^Oh, hang the calves ! Jerry. — Oh, no he didn't ! Fritz. — He didn't what ? Jerry. — He didn't hang the calves. Fritz. — Go on or I'll slap you in the head. Charley. — Say Fritz, this fellow is pretty witty aint he ? Jerry. — Is 17 this way or that? Charley. — Tut, tut, tut. Jerry. — Oh, that's where it is is it ? Charley. — Say Fritz, I have an idea, I can run this Irishman through as the poet, with two or three rehearsals. His ready wit will carry him through. Whatever mistakes he makes will be credited to his eccentric manner. {Jerry knocks at the boarding house door, a club is pushed out at him which strikes him on the head, and the door is slammed in his face.) Now Fritz you go down to Slobenhiemer s, and meet me at my hotel at eleven o'clock. Fritz. — Charley watch me fool the Irishman. Good Bye, Casey's cow. {Going off L. I. E.) Jerry. — Good Bye, calf Charley. — Say, do you know your face looks very familiar ? Jerry. — How is that ? Charley. — I say your face looks very familiar. Jerry. — Oh, I suppose so, I haven't had time to wash it. Charley. — Were you ever on the stage ? Jerry. — I was on a stage coach. Charley. — How would you like to be somebody else? Jerry. — And where would I be all this time ? Charley. — Why you'd be yourself. You are only playing you are somebody else. Jerry. — (starting to go) I'm playing that now. Oh no, no I would not suit you. Charley. — Yes, yes, but I'll make you suit. All you have to do is as I tell you, and one hundred dollars is yours. Jerry. — Oh, this is a situation isn't it ? Charley. — Yes, a situation, you do as I tell you and I'll give you twenty pounds English money — one hundred dollars. Jerry. — Well I'll do a good deal for that. Charley. — Oh, I don't expect anything hard of you, all I want you to do is to go with me to Street, and I'll introduce you to an Eccentric wealthy widow lady by the name of . Oh, well, im- material. Jerry. — Mrs. Material. Charley. — She is to suppose you to be Mr. Augustus Eoderigo Span- gle, the great Spanish poet. Of course you have your quiet tete-a-tetes. she is your vis-a-vis while you are enjoying your siesta, you have your perigrinations through the city and she may embrace you. Of course you reciprocate ? Jerry. — 'Ciprocate, eh ! eh ! I understand. Charley. — And she may make love to you. Of course you . Jerry. — 'Ciprocate — of course, of course. Charley. — And she may also kiss you, and . Jerry. — And I'll 'ciprocate. Charley. — Yes, if she kisses you, you kiss her back. Jerry. — Kiss her back, I'll kiss her lips. Charley. — Well to sum it all up, you fall desperately in love with her. Jerry. — Ah, get out of that, I want no joking. Me make love to a lady for a hundred dollars. Charley. — Certainly. Ain't that enough? Jerry. — Well go on, go on. Charley. — And of course, after two or three days in the exuberance of your joy you propose to her and finally you marry her. Jerry. — Well I don't marry her, I've been married for the last thirty years and lost my wife this morning in this very town. Charley.— Yes, but this marriage is only in fun. Jerry. — Oh ! I marry her for fun. Charley. — That's the idea. You see the ecclesiastical gentleman that officiates is a . Jerry. — What's that you say ? Charley. — Why the minister is a friend of mine, I pay him the same as I pay you to play the poet. Jerry. — Oh I see this is all a kind of a joke, ain't it. Charley. — Why the whole thing is a joke and you get one hundred dollars for it. Jerry. — Oh that's all right, I understand you. I'm a poet. Charley. — Yes, in your mind. Jerry. — I know in me mind. Charley. — Taking out a roll of greenback* from his pocket. — Now let us have an understanding. Jerry. — Is that all good ? Charley. — Good! Why I make it myself. You take this for a starter. {Offering Jerry one of the bills.) Jerry. — No, no, when I'm through you can pay me. Charley. — But you must have pocket money. Jerry. — No, no, I'll wait until I've clone the job. Charley. — Drawing money back. — Well that's what I like to see. Jerry. — Snatching money. — Well seeing that you had it out, I'll just keep it for . Charley. — Well, what's your name ? .Jeremiah McGinty from Gal way. Charley. — And mine is Charles Templeton. Jerry. — Well Charley I'm your poet. Charley. — Now I'll take you first to a wig maker and get your hair cut off and . Jerry. — And scalp me. Eh ! Charley. — No, no, I'll just trim the locks a little, get you a long brown wig made, the same as this Hpangle wears. Jerry. — A wig. Eh ? Charley. — Yes, and then 111 take you to a tonsorial artist and get the hersute appandage cut off. Jerry. — Me suspenders cut off? Charley. — No, no, your whiskers. Jerry. — Oh cut them off, I'm tired of them. Charley. — Then I'll take you to a tailor's, dress you in a fashionable suit of broadcloth, patent leather gaiters, solitaire diamond stud, white kid gloves and a wide sombrero, and then I think you'll be the "sweet sunflower." Jerry. — I'll be a daffydowndilly. Charley. — Well come to my room and I'll fix you up and make a young fellow out of you. {Business of going off R. I. E. and running <(gainst the Major, who enters with his big cur dvg.) Jerry. — For heaven's sake what is that thing just come in there? Charley. — I beg pardon, Major, for jostling against you — but tell me, how are you progressing in capturing all the fair ladies' hearts in the city ? Major. — I don't think it is any of your business, and allow me to call you a confounded puppy. Jerry. — What is this thing ? Charley. — Ah! This fellow imagines himself a great soldier, and is always giving orders to imaginary troopers. You see he is a soldier in his mind Jerry. — Like the poet. Charley. — Yes, he also imagines every lady is in love with him, he has a card of invitation to every house in the city, and they let him in because he amuses them. Jerry. — Crosses to Charley's left. — He is a kind of a lunatic. Charley. — Just so. His right name is Dennis McSweeny, but the boys for short call him the Major. Jerry. — Tell him to rap at the door beyant. Charley. — Do this to him. (Making motions of saluting.) Jerry. — Makes motions to the Major, the Major motions hack. — Is he wound up, Charley ? Major, (to Jerry.) — If you don't mind your own business I'll have you shot. Jerry. — He looks like a nanny-goat, don't he ? Major. — What the divel are you looking at ? Jerry. — I don't know, I was trying to find out. Major. — Do you take me for a fool ? Jerry. — No. I never judge a man by his face. Tell me, Charley, what do you call a thing like this in America ? Charley. — In America or any other country, we call it a man. Jerry. — A what ? Charley. — A man. Jerry. — Amen ! Charley. — Well Major have you heard the news, its all over town. Why Augustus Roderigo Spangle, the Spanish poet, arrived in town and is going to appear at Mrs. Melrose's Reception this evening and capture all the fair ladies' hearts in the city. Major. — He is, hey. Little does he know that the Major has for- tified all the hearts of the fair ladies in this city. Corporal beware, and do not arouse the anger of Major. Charley. — Why Major you are talking incoherently. Jerry. — He's talking like a clanged fool. Major. — Charley, who is this low, confounded puppy you {Jerry makes a dash to get at the Major, the Major draws his sword.) Charley. — Gentlemen this will never do. Jerry. — Give me a rap at the dog, Charley ? Major. — You strike my dog and you strike me. Jerry. — Yes, I guess I would. Charley. — Say Major, you must be very careful how you talk to this gentleman. Major.— Why ? Charley. — For this is Captain Marriet of her majesty's body guard. Major. — W T ell if her majesty's body guard is anything like Captain Marriet they don't amount to much. Jerry. — Here Charley, take me away, for I'll kill it whatever it is. Charley, (to Major. ) — Oh, I see you little sly-face, you are belligerent. Major. — Do you think so. Jerry. — Ah you old pizan face, you are Bellicusses. Major. — Go get your hair cut. (Charley and Jerry Exit R. I. E. Enter Fritz L. I. E. Crosses stage, looks at Major and makes a motion.) Major. — Now you stop your nonsense, you are going a little, but too far. Fritz. — Why, what's the matter ? Major. — I'll show you in a minute. Fritz. — Come here. — Major crosses over to Fritz. — Well what do you want ? Fritz. — I dont mean you, I mean the other dog. Major. — If you don't stop I'll set my dog on you. Fritz. — If you do I'll set on the dog and kill it. — Major crosses over to Fritz and puffs smoke in Fritz's face. — Oh dear, oh dear, what arc you smoking, an onion ? Major. — No sir-ee. That's what they call a Telephone cigar. Fritz. — And why do you call them that ? Major. — Because you smoke them in New York and smell them in Boston. Fritz. — I've got a pipe, have you got any tobacco ? This pipe came all the way from Germany, I think a good deal of it. Major. — What, is it a clay pipe ? Fritz. — No, no, it's a white pipe. Major. — If you are a nice little German man I'll give you a cigar, a pure Havana cigar. Fritz.— Two for five. Eh ! Major. — No. Three for five, ((lives Fritz the cigar.) Fritz. — Won't you give me a light ? Major. — If you please. Fritz. — If you please. Major. — That's right. Be a gentleman, if you are low dutch. ( [faas up on the carpet and then jumps over Mrs. Melrose's trail, and goes over to Charley. Mrs. Melrose goes up stage.) Charley. — What are you trying to do ? Jerry. — I don't know. Get me out of this house, I won't stop here another minute. I won't stop here. Mrs. Melrose, (with glassful of wine.— Mr. Spangle, allow me. (Jerry takes wine and turns to Charley.) Jerry, (aside to Charley.) — I'll stop here. What will I say, what will I say ? Charley. — Say something recherche. Jerry, (turns to guests.) — Rush-i-shay. 19 Mrs. Melrose, {with wine glass sings.) — "See how it sparkles, this drink divine, While o'er its lustre, our eyes outshine." {Jerry breaks m with discordant notes and ends with a bow. Dandy Jim the servant falls dead in the background. Quests all applaud.) Mrs. Melrose. — Bravo, bravo, Mr. Spangle, I had no idea you had such a lovely voice, a regular contra Tenor. Jerry. — Yes, yes a contrary tenor, that's what they tell me. Charley, {aside.) — It sounds like rain on a tin roof. {Jerry turns to him icith disgust.) Oh say something to the point. Jerry. — Well the point is . Charley.— The point . Jerry. — The point is the point. Oh when I think of your great America with . Charley, {aside to Jerry.) — Indians, railroads, &c. Jerry. — When I think of the Indian, railroads and the settra, my heart — . Charley. — Oh cut it. {Aside to Jerry.) Jerry, {to Charley aside.) — What my heart. Charley, {aside.) — No, no, the speech. Jerry, {to Mrs. Melrose.) — All I can say is . What do you pay a bottle for this, mam ? Mrs. Melrose. — Oh about five dollars. Jerry, {to Charley.) — We get it for seven cents a quart in the old country. Mrs. Melrose. — I beg your pardon. Jerry. — I say it always reminds me of home. {To Charley.) Its so different. {Touch glass with Mrs. Melrose, drinks and walks over to Charley full of airs.) Charley. — Why to look at you anybody would think you were a connoieusseur. {Speaking aside to Jerry.) Jerry.— A sewer. Oh let me alone, you're always pulling and dragging me around. You never give me a chance to do anything. {Speaking lines aside to Charley.) Charley, {aside.) — Keep your eyes about, look around, look around. Jerry. — (Turns quick, sees Miss Simkins,who has come to his right with finger bowl and napkin folded and laid across the top. She extends it to him.) Charley, {aside.) — Well, well, you know, you know. Jerry.— {Not knowing what to do, looks perplexed. Business of taking finger bowl. Charley pulls his hand away.) What's the matter? Charley. — Finger bowl. Finger bowl. Jerry, {aside to Charley.)— ■She'll hear you. She'll hear you. This. {Placing hand on napkin) Charley nods in approval Jerry take* the napkin off from finge-r bowl, goes to dig it in the bowl, Charity pulls his hand away. Goes to wipe his face, C/iarley pulls vt away. Jerry looks around aside.) Have you got any soap ? 20 (He then puis napkin in his pocket and takes hotel to drink. Lets waterfall over ear- pet. Makes a wry face and looke at Charley. Miss. Simkins goes up stage with bowl lookiny suprised,) Charley, (aside.) — Didn't I tell you finger bowl, finger bowl ? Jerry, (aside.) — Didn't I finger the bowl ? but it was all water. (Enter Major from centre door, also Dandy Jim with cakes on a plate for guests, he files around left. The Major sees Mm. Major. — Halt ! Kight-about face, forward march ! Eum-tum-tum, arum-tum-tum. Halt! Right-about face, present cakes! — (The Ma- jor takes his hat off and scoops in all the cakes on the plate. — left-about face, forward march! Arum-tum-tum-tum. (Dandy Jim exits with plate centre door. Major turns to Mrs. Melrose and motions her down the stage.) Jerry, (aside.) — I wonder will he know me. Charley ? ( When the Major gets to the front, Charley and Jerry laugh at Mm. He turns, they both salute.) Major. — Oh Matilda, I have been paying my attentions Jerry, (aside to Charley.) — He don't pay his board. Major. — {Resumes speech.) — for the last six months, but you always throw me out. Oh, Matilda I cannot stand this, for without you I cannot live. Jerry, (aside to Charley.) — Why don't he die and be done with it ? Major. — Come will you marry me? Tell me, Yes or No. Jerry, (to Charley.) — No ! (Major turns around, they salute him.) Mrs. Melrose. — Major, I will marry you next Christmas Eve. ( Wink- ing at guests.) Major. — {Goes up the stage with Mrs. Melrose.) — Oh, Matilda, you have made me the happiest man in this world, (turns to guests with hat off) just to think of it ladies and gentlemen, I have just received a despatch from General Sherman, stating that I would have to go out and fight the Indians. Jerry, (aside.) — They won't get much hair, Charley. (Major sings the Warrior Bold in a horrible tone of voice. The guests are all frantic. Miss Rosebud calls on Mr. Hosscar to throw him out. Mr. Hosscar goes up to Jerry.) Mr. Hosscar. — (Rather Nervous.) You nasty man, you must go right out of this house. ( Goes and taps him. The Major rushes at Mm with sword. He is told by guests to put him out. He tries to move him but cannot. Professor Suydam comes to Ms re- lief but cannot move the Major, who keeps on singing. Jerry sees Uiis and comes up, Charley telling him not to interfere, he slaps the Major on the bald head. The Major swings Ms sword. Mr. Hosscar slaps the Mnjor. Jerry finally catches Hie Major by the body and throws Mm out, disappearing from centre door. The guests all applaud. Mr. Hosscar acts as tlwugh it was Mm thai done it all. Jerry appears in centre door, coat and hair disarranged.) Chorus of Guests. — Bravo, Mr. Spangle. Mrs. Melrose. — Very gallant. Jerry. — He fell off the Balcony, Mrs. Melrose. Mrs. Melrose. — It serves him right. Prof. Suydam. — Why, Mr. Spangle he is a nonentity. Jerry. — Yes, he fell in the entry. (Jerry puts the Major's liat on Ms head, ilie guests all laugh. He sees it and throws it out.) 21 Mrs. Melrose. — I have a little choice wine here to your taste I hope. Won't yon do the honors Mr. Spangle ? Jerry. — {Takes glass off table, is about to talk to Mrs. Melrose, when her little child, Little Sunbeam comes to Jerry's side and slaps him on the shoulder for his attention. Jerry jumps around qvick and smiles.) Why, I thought that was the lunatic come back again. Mrs. Melrose. — Your nerves are all unstrung, I presume. Jerry. — This is a nice little girl, (to Charley) Nice girl Charley. Charley. — That's Mrs. Melrose's offspring. Jerry. — Is it possible? Do you love your mama? Sunbeam. — Yes, I like my mama, and I like candy, too. Have you got any gum drops ? (Guests all laugh.) Jerry. — Charley, have you got any gum drops ? Charley. — She's quite precocious. Jerry. — Yes, she's quite 'cocious. Sunbeam. — Mr. Spangle you are an awful brave man to throw that man out that way. You are as brave as a Lion, and you look like a Lion. Jerry. — Charley, I look like a Lion. (To Sunbeam) Why, my little girl, where did you ever see a Lion ? Sunbeam. — In our back yard, last summer. Mrs. Melrose. — Why, Sunbeam that was not a Lion. That was a Donkey, my dear. Jerry. — It was a Donkey, Charley. {Business of pouring out wine, hands Mrs. Melrose a glass. Major appears at the bach with policeman, head all bandaged up. They make motions ihat they will keep tfieir eye on the poet. Jerry pours out another glass of trine, and tlun salutes all the guests. Mrs. Melrose tab. % plate with large pit ce of cake — a whole round sponge cake — and holds it out to Jerry with knife placed on the top of cake. Jerry looks at Charley, and then Mrs. Melrose speaks.) Mrs. Melrose. — Help yourself to the cake, Mr. Spangle. {Jerry not knowing what t<> do, takes knife and tries to cut cake, &c. Throws knife on table and takes tlie whole cake and commences to eat it with his glass of wine Charley in the /,. /. E. corner makes motions for Jerry to put the cake down on tab'.* . Jerry extends cake to Charley, then his glass if wine, then holds cake up to his eye and looks around at Mrs. Melrose, who is holding empty plate towards him.) Jerry. — No, thank you, I've got all of it. {The servant enters from L. I. E., makes a circle of the room up to the centre door.) Dandy Jim. — The music men have all arrived in the ball room, and told me to tell you they were waiting your orders. Mrs. Melrose. — Ladies and gentlemen, dancing is about to com- mence in the north parlor. I will join you presently. I wish to stop for a few minutes and have a private conversation with our guest, Mr. Spangle. {Centlemev (dl take their lady. Informing every lady excuses herself from Mr. Hosscafs company. He is left without no lady and takes Little Sunbeam out with him arm-and-arm. As each couple pass out centre door they bow to Mr. Spangle. Jerry has already put the large cake beneath his coat, Charley is down front of stage looking worried. Jerry runs down to him and puts the cake in his hat and runs back to Mrs. Melrose to slww her the sunflower in his coat. Charley pulls Jerry down to him by the coat tails.) Charley, {aside.) — See here, take this. Jerry, (aside.) — I know it's in your hat. Charlev, (aside.) — Say take this cake, take this cake. Jerry, (aside.) — You take the cake. (Charley gives Jerry the cake and runs for the centre door unseen by Mrs. Melrose, who is busy reading a book at the table. Charley makes motions as lie leaves that he will beat Jerry . Whin Charity exit*, Mrs. Mel/rose comes down front.) Mrs. Melrose. — Will you please come here, Mr. Spangle. (Pointing to chair she brings down with her.) Jerry. — (Coming down left of Mrs. Melrose, keeping large cake behind his back from Mrs. Melrose 's view.) I was just going to see where Charley went. Mrs. Melrose. — He has joined the company in the ball room. Jerry. — Oh I see, (very nervous,) you have a very nice little cosy place here. Mrs. Melrose. — Do you think so. I am so glad you are pleased. (Jerry turns around. In doing so slips cake tinder his coat. He then walks over and sits on chair, saying aside — ) Jerry. — Oh if I could only get out of this house. Mrs. Melrose. — Alas! we are alone. This is ecstacy, bliss, the happiest moments of my life. Oh, Augustus Koderigo, may I call you Gussie. Would it not be heavenly if the minister. (Jerry is frightened, the cake falls out of his oat in crumbs, ttte Major enters at the back, drinks wine from gkosses and watches Jerry from behind a chair near small tabic.) Oh dear, oh dear, if you only knew my feelings. Cupid's dart is piercing my heart. (Mrs. Melrose falls on Jerry's shoulder to left.) Jerry, (aside.) — This woman is crazy. I'll be crazy before I get out of this house. (Mrs. Melrose moves.)' She's going to drop. I wish she would take a drop, I think she's taken too many now. (Mrs. Milrose springs up and runs to left of stage.) Mrs. Melrose. — Oh, Augustus, would it not be tootsey, Avootsey, could we but sail down life's stream, two souls with bat a single thought, two hearts , {coming over to Jerry's chair.) that beat as one. Jerry. — (Who sees the Major behind chair at the back. Throws cake at him during Mrs. Mt I rise's speech.) Jerry, (aside.) — "That beat.'' I Wonder does she mean me? Mrs. Melrose. — You will find me a very peculiar woman at times, but I will order your carriage in due time, but before I go, I would like to . Jerry, (aside )— I'de like to get out of this house. Mrs. Melrose. — I'de like to kiss you. Jerry. — She wants to kiss me. Oh heavens, where is Charley ? (Taking cake, a small piece that is left, out of coat.) Look at it. Oh if I could only get a welt at the lunatic behind there. She wants me to kiss her. 23 ( Turns to kiss her but sees cake in Mrid. Turns the second time to hvg Mrs. Melrose. The Major comes between, arid he kisses the Major instead. Mrs. Melrose catches the Major and throws him (a the left of stage.) Mrs. Melrose. — Did I not tell you never to enter my house again. {Turning to Jerry?) Oh, Mr. Spangle, what's to he done ? Jerry. — Will I throw him out ? Mrs. Melrose. — Oh no, spare yourself that indignity, and as for you, sir, {turning to Major.) you leave my house, and never let me see your monkey face again. (She looks around at Jerry.) Major. — Very well, you shall never see me again, and remember, should I die, another {points to Jerri/) dies with me. ( Major exits centre door very mad) Mrs. Melrose. — Mr. Spangle, I hope he did not offend you. Jerry. — I didn't know what he was talking about. Mrs. Melrose, (goes up stage.) — Listen to the mystic strains in the distance, are they not charming ? Jerry. — Yes, I missed them strains. Mrs. Melrose. — What say you Gnssie, if Ave go to the ball room and join the merry dance ? (She start* in to dance. The music is heard playing in the bedi room.) Jerry, {aside.) — I can't dance a step. {He tries to dance like her. She dances towards the centre door throwing kisses to him. He throws kisses hack, as she disappears from door. Tin Major enters. Jerry going out throws him dmon and keeps on following Mrs. Melrose oat, throwing kisse* all the whih — exit.) Major. — (Gets vp from the floor, shoulders his sword and marches off singing)^- Arum, turn, turn. arum, turn, turn. Officer Club, (enters from centre door.) — Ah, ah, they are coming. I'll conceal myself in yonder room and listen to what' is going on. (Goes behind piano.) {Enter Fritz, and Archie dressed like a minister.) Fritz. — Come on Archie. Archie. — Oh say I can never do this. They'll get on to me and fire me out. Fritz. — You're all right, nobody will ever know you. Archie. — I'll bet five dollars I'll get arrested before I get out of here. (Frits whistles and Charley comes on from centre door.) Charley. — Well Fritz where's Archie ? Fritz. — There he is over there. (Pointing to Archie in R.) Charley. — Go on, that ain't Archie. Archie, (coming over to Charley.) — Why didn't you know me. Charley. — Well by Jove, that's a great make up. (Goes up, lays his hat on piano and takes money out.) Well Archie here's your five hundred dollars. Archie. — That's what I come for. 24 Charley, (to Fritz.) — And here is your dollar. (Fritz looks at dollar and seems surprised. Policeman is listening.) Now everything is all right, Jerry gets married to Mrs. Melrose right away. Officer Club. — Ah, ah. (Then dodges behind piano again. Tliey all turn around.) Archie. — Say what was that? Charley. — What was what. Archie. — Didn't you hear something. Charley. — No, of course not. Fritz. — I heard something. Charley. — Oh bother, shut up and play with your hat. Fritz. — Say Charley, I wish you would go out and get a policeman. Charley. — What for ? Fritz. — Because I don't want to go home with all this money, alone. Charley. — Now boys, don't let us be seen together, for the marriage is to take place right away. Come on. (They all exit centre door, Fritz last. He sees the policeman's head and rushes off quick. The Wedding March is played by the band. Guests all enter. Mrs. Melrose first with Susan Rosebud, and, Kitty Snowdrop on each side of her. They all take a position on stage facing toicards the audience. Jerry comes in last seeing Charley is not there, he makes motions that he will steal out the door at the back and is in the act when u Little Sunbeam" enters and calls him, making motions that she wants him to bring her down to her mama. Jerry tries to get her to go down herself, but she won't. He then goes down stage with her and points out her mama to her. She runs to her mama. Jerry makes motions that he is going to run out, and just opens the door at the back, when in pops Charley. They both hare a scuffle, Jerry wonting to get away. Charley finally grabs Jerry by the throat, and Jerry yells out. The guests all turn together and form a picture, looking at Jerry and Charley. Jerry and Charley then walk to the front os though they icere the best of friends. Guests all take their places.) Charley, (aside.) — You tried to run away from me, didn't you ? Jerry. — Look at the cake, look at the cake. (Aside, pointing to cake on the floor.) Why that woman is crazy. My back is broke dancing French dances with her. Charley, (aside.) — It serves you right, what did you want to do it for ? Well you get married right here. Jerry, (aside.) — I know, just for fun. Charley. — Oh you can get a divorce to-morrow. Jerry, (aside.) — Say Charley, Charley. - Charley, (aside.)— Well . Jerry. — Have you got any eating tobacco about you ? Charley, (aside.) — Eating tobacco. No. (Crosses to L. I. E. Jerry follows. In going over he sees minister up at centre door with, book in hand and says aside to Charley.) Charley, Charley, look up at the door, look up at the door, is it a jailor or Hamlet's ghost, or what is it ? Charley. — -Why that's my friend. Jerry, (aside.) — I'm sorry for you. Minister. — Oh brothers and sisters, you may be thankful you are alive, we are here to-day and gone to- morrow. 25 Jerry, (aside to Charley.) — I'll be gone before to-morrow. (The minister cornea down to Jerry's side and stands looking at him.) Cbarley, (aside.) — Look around, look around, there he is, there he is. Jerry, (aside.) — Where. (Turns and sees the minister at his side.) Jerry, (aside.) — What is it, where did you get it, why that's a home- lier looking divel than I am. Minister. — Oh you are a great poet. Jerry, (aside to Charley.) — You are a liar. Minister. — Also technological . Jerry. — What does he mean by that ? Charley, (aside.) — Take no notice of him. Minister. — You are a pyrotechnist! Jerry, (aside.) — He called me a pirate that time. Minister. — Also a va'etudinarian. Jerry, (asi !e.) — Is that Spanish? Charley, (isuic.) — ISo, no, plain English. Minister. — But your sins are Pyramidical. Jerry, (aside.) — I'll smash him in the jaw if he says another word like that. Minister. — Oh I beseech of you to reform and not be an anthro- pomurfite. Jerry, (aside.) — I'll be a democrat until I die . (As the Minister turns to go up stage his shoes come off, he stands for awhile, then walks tip stage to centre door without no shoe on his right foot.) Jerry, (aside.) — Charley he lost his foot, he lost his foot. (Charley jnishes shoe towards Jerry who keeps it in his hand.) Charley.— Mrs. Melrose and Mr. Spangle, are you both ready? Mrs. Melrose and Ladies. — We are. (Charley takes Jerry to Mrs. Melrose, all form for Wedding March and take positions. Jerry keeps on walking and is about to exit R. I. E., when Charley catches him by the ear and pushes him gently to his place. He goes to right of Minister and strikes at him. Charley catches his hand. Jerry stamps his foot and speaks to Charley. Minister jumps as Jerry has stood on his foot that has no shoe.) Minister, (with book.) — Mrs. Melrose and Mr. Spangle, you are about to embark in that noble ship — "Matrimony." Jerry, (aside to Charley.) — We are going to have some maccaroni. Minister. — You will please join hands. (Jerry gives hand to Charley, Charley places it in Mrs. Melrose's hand.) Nix-cum-weedelum, kerswipes swine a madorum sassa- frass on the piazzia a nipcat on the brazzerio . I now pro- nounce you — "man and wife." (Charley goes to the L. I. E. corner rubbing his hands with joy. Jerry follows with coat in hand, sleeveless arms to an old red flannel shirt that is seen. Policeman comes in and pulls wig off from Min- 26 ister and brings Archie off R. I. E. Major takes sword and scalps the wig off from Jerry's head. Jerry goes to run and falls over the knee of his wife Nora, who sits waiting for him. General excitement. Ladies faint in gentlemen's arms. Dog catches Jerry by the seat of his pants.) QUICK CURTAIN. Time of Playing Sixty Minutes. Sole property of Kelly & Ryan, and played only by them, in all the Principal Theatres throughout the United States with unbounded success. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 016 103 529 4