Class _lEi>J25-k 5" Book -1?&7 S.T CorofetoN ' ^ / g CQEHUGHT DEPOSm AGNES L. CRIMMINS SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW A FARCE COMEDY IN THREE ACTS Walter H. Baker 6 Co., Boston r Recent Plays That Have " Gone Over the Top ,] Males Female Hi me Price Royalty 4 5 2 hrs. 25C Free 12 4 1^ " 25C Special 6 3 2 tt 2 5 C Free 8 3 2 <« 25 c ii 7 2 M 25c 6 3 2 " 25C 6 5 2 M 2 5 C 6 5 2 " 2 5 C 6 5 2 << 25 c #10.00 6 6 2 « 25 c Free 4 4 'X (1 25c 6 6 2 " 25 c IO 6 2 (( 25c 5 5 2 «< 2 5 C 5 2 3 «< !5C i 3 % " 25c 4 3 2 it 25 c 5 ii I* tt 25c 4 2 ^ tt 25c 3 3 X «( J 5c IO II 2 « 25c 8 9 2 tt 25c 6 8 1# it 25c 6 12 2 tt 25 c 9 9 2 tt 25c 2 5 % tt 25c I 6 y* tt '5c 6 9 2 tt 25c 4 9 X tt 25 c #5.00 7 3 «# tt 25c Special 4 7 2 " 25c Free IO 12 2 it 25c a 6 5 2 a 25c tt 7 4 2 tt 2 S C it 3 2 ¥ tt J 5c it 8 8 *Vz tt 25c it 3 6 «tf tt 25c <« 6 41 *# tt ■ 25c ft 3 4 IK «« 25c ft 2 7 tf " 25c tt 4 IO 2 tt 25c tt 7 4 2 it 25c Special 4 4 2# tt 25c Free 6 3 2^ a 25c » 2 12 & u 25c u 6 6 2% it 25c tt 6 5 2 it 25c tt 7 5 2# ii 25 c t* The Adventures of Grandpa The Air Spy The American Plag Captain Cranberry The College Chap The Colonel's Maid The Country Doctor Country Polks A Couple of Million Cranberry Corners Daddy The Deacon's Second Wife The District Attorney The Dutch Detective An Easy Mark Elizabeth's Young Man The Elopement of Ellen Engaged by Wednesday Freddy Goes to College A Pull House The Girl Prom Upper Seven Grandma Gibbs of the Red Cross Honeymoon Plats The Hoodoo The Hurdy Gurdy Girl Johnny's New Suit Local and Long Distance Lost — A Chaperon The Loving Cup The Man Who Went Mrs. Briggs of the Poultry Yard Much Ado About Betty No Trespassing Our Wives Pa's New Housekeeper Professor Pepp The Rebellion of Mrs. Barclay A Regiment of Two Sally Lunn The Slacker Step Lively The Submarine Shell Teddy, or The Runaways The Time of His Life The Troubling of Bethesda Pool Valley Farm The Village School Ma'am Willowdale For •« special " royalties, see catalogue descriptions for detailed information. BAKER, 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass* /0% She Knows Better Now She Knows Better Now A Farce-Comedy in Three Acts By AGNES L. CRIMMINS Author of" The Pride of the Faitiily" etc. PLEASE NOTICE The professional stage rights in this play are strictly re- served. Amateurs may obtain permission to produce it privately upon payment of a fee of twenty-five dollars ($25.00) for each performance in advance. Special rate for schools, $10.00 for the first and $5.00 for each additional performance. All payments and correspondence should be addressed to Norman Lee Swartout, 24 Blackburn Road, Summit, New Jersey. BOSTON WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 1918 She Knows Better Now DRAMATIS PERSONS Count Adolfo De la Nochebuena. Mr. T. Gordon Sturtevant. Mr. Nicholas Tompkins. Chesterton, Mrs. Tompkins butler. Two Custom House Officers. One Woman Inspector. Mrs. Viola Tompkins. Mrs. T. Gordon Sturtevant. Delia, Mrs. Tompkins 1 maid. Time. — The present. Place. — New York City. Scene. — Living-room in home of Mrs. Tompkins. Copyright, 1913, by Agnes L. Crimmins As an unpublished dramatic composition Copyright, 191 8, by Agnes L. Crimmins As author and proprietor Professional and moving picture rights reserved ©CLD 50938 JAN -2 1919 ( Original Cast ) She Knows Better Now As Presented at the Studebaker Theatre, Chicago, February 25, 191 2 [In the order of their afifieara?ice) Jane - - - - - - - Katherine Keyes Chesterton Lionel Glenister Mrs. T. Gordon Sturtevant - - Mary K. 7 ay lor T. Gordon Sturtevant - Thomas F. Fallon Nicholas Tompkins ... - Arthur Byron Mrs. Nicholas Tompkins - May Irwin Heinrich von Hohenspitze - - E. E. Hohenwart Hedwig Muller Muriel Hope Dunbar, special agent from the Custom House ----- Hugh Jeffrey NOTE As abundantly appears, the version of " She Knows Bet- ter Now " published in this volume has been considerably altered from that first presented, as above. This was in part due to the process of improvement that is inevitable under the instruction of actual performance, and in part to later alterations made necessary by revolutions in popular sympathy brought about by the war. Herr Heinrich von Hohenspitze and Hedwig Muller, created originally with humorous hopes and intentions, ran a grave chance in these later days of Teutonic unpopularity of missing their target altogether, and had to be denationalized. PLEASE NOTICE The professional stage-rights in this play are strictly reserved by the author. Applications for its use should be addressed to Norman Lee Swartout, 24 Blackburn Road, Summit, New Jersey. Attention is called to the penalties provided by the Copyright Law of the United States of" America in force July 1, 1909, for any infringement of the author's rights, as follows : Sec. 28. That any person who wilfully and for profit shall infringe any Copyright secured by this Act, or who shall knowingly and wilfully aid or abet such infringement, shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction thereof shall be punished by imprisonment for not ex- ceeding one year or by a fine of not less than one hundred dollars, or both, at the discretion of the court. Sec. 29. That any person who, with fraudulent intent, shall insert or impress any notice of Copyright required by this Act, or words of the same purport, in or upon any uncopyrighted article, or with fraudulent in- tent shall remove or alter the copyright notice upon any article duly copy- righted shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, punishable by a fine of not less than one hundred dollars and not more than one thousand dollars. She Knows Better Now ACT I SCENE. — The curtain rises upon a showily ^ and expensively decorated room. At r. c. is an ornate fireplace before which are two luxurious chairs. Between this and center of room is a small table with a straight-back chair beside it. At l. c. are French windows. At u. l. is a table desk with writing articles, and a photo, placed face downwards, upon it. At l. is a divan with a pillow at either end. At u. R. is a long gilt-framed mirror. At center back the room opens into a hall, from center of which a broad staircase leads to landing above, behind which is a large, arched window, of stained glass. Off either end of this landing opens a door. Below at R. of staircase is a door to telephone closet, which, when opened, shows a desk and telephone. At l. of staircase is door leading to butler's pantry. Rich and showy hangings are at zvindows and entrance to room. There are such other furnishings as would in- dicate prosperity and a love of display. The curtain rises upon an empty stage. Almost immediately a motor horn is heard; there is a I 2 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW pause; a door slams, and Mr. Tompkins enters at u. R. He is a large, burly man of about forty-five years, well, but carelessly dressed, suggesting the American business man, old- fashioned in taste, who gives little attention to details of dress. He is self-made, has won his way in the world through sheer determination and a certain bulldog tenacity. His bearing is that of mingled kindliness and arrogance. He enters wearing his hat. In one hand he car- ries a box of flowers; in the other he holds a bunch of keys attached to a pocket chain. He takes a step or two into the room, then halts and looks about the room questioningly, show- ing, in turn, determination and hesitancy. Then, with a wistful smile, he goes to the foot of the staircase, dangling his keys a little nervously. Tompkins. [Looking up towards landing u. R., and calling hesitatingly and softly.] Viola! Viola! [Pause.] Viola! [Pause. More commandingly.] Viola! Viola! [Looks about with disapproval; sharply.] Viola ! [Turns, pushes keys impatiently into his hip pocket, removes his hat with a jerk, and strides towards the desk, tossing down his hat. He starts away, when his attention is arrested by the photograph. He picks it up, looks at it, shrugs his shoulders half sadly; then, with an expression of dogged determination, goes to bell at l. of fireplace and rings. He takes several impatient strides up and down stage as he waits for an answer, pauses to take up photograph, SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 3 looks at it, puts it in upright position on desk, starts away, but, shaking his head, turns back and again places it face down- wards as Delia enters through butler's pantry. Delia is a buxom Irish maid of about thirty years, possessing all the tradi- tional traits of her race. She speaks with a brogue, is rather clumsy in her move- ments, and acts out of place in these sur- roundings. She wears her conventional maid's uniform rather awkwardly, her cap a trifle on one side. She looks ques- tioningly at Mr. Tompkins, who is pre- occupied with his thoughts. Delia. [After a moment.] Did ye ring, Misther Thomp- kins ? Tompkins. Yes — yes. Where is she, Delia ? Delia. Is it hersilf ye mane, sor ? Tompkins. Mrs. Tompkins. Yes, of course. Where is she? Delia. It's out she is, sor. Tompkins. [Sharply.] How long will she be out? Delia. [Stolidly.] That I don't know. I suppose until she'll be comin' in agin. She didn't sav. 4 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Tompkins. Where was she going ? — Did she say ? Delia. To get a brith of air. She says : " It's stifled I am/' says she, " and must go out for a brith of frish air," says she. Och, Misther Thompkins, shure it's stifled we all are in this house — it's that big. Tompkins. [Gloomily.] It's a very nice house, Delia. You ought to like it. [With a sigh.] It's much finer than our little home in Brooklyn. Delia. Och, sor, but Brooklyn is the hivinly place! I filt at home there; but [with a wave of her hand about room] glory be to God ! — It's like a mooseem it is — and it's that big and grand I'm afraid a cop is watching me ivery time I touch anythin'. Tompkins. You'll get used to it, Delia. [With a heavy sigh. ] We'll all get used to it — in time, I suppose ; but Brooklyn was, as you say, pretty nice. It was home. Delia. It was that ! Such a respictible place ! None of this high-fallutin' business of — [with high and mighty air in imitation of society women] Park Avenue! Bad cess to thim! [With sudden burst of feeling.] Would you and the missus mind, sor, if I'd be af ther lavin' ? I'm that lonesome ! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 5 Tompkins. [With anxiety.] No, no, Delia! You can't go! You are the one link that connects us with the past. Why, think how long you have been with us ! Delia. Yis, sor, and it's anythin' I'd do for you, but, shure it's like a fly in the merlasses I am here. It's a naeger or a Chinemon you should be havin' in a grand mansion the likes of this, instid of a poor Irish girl like misilf. Tompkins. No, no, Delia, you must stay. It'll be all right by and by. Delia. [With sudden explosion of long-repressed feel- ing.] It's not all right it is! — And it's niver all right it'll be ! Tompkins. [Surprised.] Why do you say that? Delia. Wasn't it on a Friday that we moved in ? [ With finality.] No good comes of that ! Tompkins. Nonsense, Delia ! You're superstitious ! Delia. Superstishus you may call it, sor, but I know it's » the divil it is; and it's Friday he do be pokin' his nose into iverybody's business. It's to the Holy Virgin I pray to keep him from us ! 6 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW [Clasping her hands and looking up as in prayer. Tompkins. Humph ! Rubbish ! Delia. Ah, thin, and it's no rubbish it is. You mark my words for it. [With tone of conviction.] Look at the missus ! It's not hersilf she is since she come into this house. Haven't you noticed that for yer- silf? Tompkins. [Broodingly, with sigh.] Ye-es, perhaps I have. Delia. It's Friday it is to-day, sor, an' I won't rist aizy until it's Saturday. No good comes of this day. [With sudden recollection.] Look at yersilf, now! Tompkins. [Surprised.] What's the matter with me? Delia. It's yersilf the' divil give a poke in the ribs this marnin'. Tompkins. [Severely.] Delia, this is Delia. [Apologetically.] Plaze, sor, — you won't take no offinse, sor. I've bin wid ye that long you know I don't mane nothin' whin I says anything but, sor, I couldn't hilp noticin' it. Shure the servants have SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW y eyes like the rest of yees. An' you and the missus, instid of comin' down paceable-like together — you, yersilf, comes down an hour before breakfast and orders us all about, an' thin ates niver a mouthful. Tompkins. [Embarrassed. ] I — er — I — er — had an important engagement. Delia. [Showing doubt.] Oh ! — An* thin what does the missus do, poor soul, but comes down an hour aftherwards that white Tompkins. [Solicitously.] Oh! Delia. — and wid such a hidache Tompkins. Oh! Delia. That it's niver a bit of breakfast did she touch aither. Tompkins. [Sympathetically.] Oh! [Musingly.] Poor Viola! [With sudden recollection.] Oh, here, Delia, are some flowers I brought her. Delia. [Brightening.] Och, shure, an' thim will hilp! [Taking box.] Is it roses it is? 8 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Tompkins. Yes — roses. Delia. Now that's nice ! An' she luvin' roses like a baby luves candy. [Door-bell rings.] It's hersilf it is! [Starts towards door. Tompkins. [Shows desire to escape, then pulls himself to- gether. With resolute voice.] Here, give me the box. I'll give them to her. Delia. [Turning back and giving box to Tompkins; sympathetically.] Yis — do. [Exits. Tompkins stands in expectant at- titude facing entrance, showing both per- turbation and eagerness. Suddenly, re- membering flowers, holds box half-ex- tended as Mr. Sturtevant enters, fol- lowed by Delia. Mr. Sturtevant is a man of about the same age as Tompkins. He is punctilious in manner, very car ef idly "gotten up," suggesting the Englishman in dress. He wears an afternoon coat of the latest English cut, a pair of light- colored gaiters, and his hair is carefully parted in the back. Sturtevant. [Extending hand cordially to Tompkins.] Ah, Tompkins ! Tompkins. [Drawing back flowers in embarrassment ; under his breath.] The devil! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 9 Sturtevant. Thanks awfully ! But why this sudden burst of affection ? Tompkins. I beg your pardon, Sturtevant ! [Shifting flowers to left hand, and grasping Sturtevant's hand cordially. Sturtevant. [Passing hat to Delia, who takes it into hall at u. r.] I'm your invited guest, you know; — the races this afternoon. .. Tompkins. Of course you are. [Heartily.] Glad to see you ! But, you see, I thought it was Viola. Sturtevant. [Pulling off gloves.] Sorry I can't fill the bill — and — [pointing towards flowers] get the reward. Tompkins. [To Delia, who is reentering at u. r.] Oh, yes. Here, Delia, put these in something, will you? Delia. [Taking flowers.] Yis, sor. [Starts to exit through telephone closet as if uncertain of her way; shuts door in disgust, and exits through door to butler's pantry.] Tsch ! Tsch ! Sturtevant. [Looking after Delia.] Still offering roses at the shrine of love, Tompkins? 10 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Tompkins. [Gloomily.] Shrine of peace. [Sinks into chair by fireplace. Sturtevant. [Philosophically.] Same thing after you are married. [Goes to fireplace, where he stands with hands behind his back watching Tompkins. Sym- pathetically.] But what's the matter, old man? — You seem cut up. Tompkins. [Gloomily.] I am. I wish Viola had never in- herited this damned house from that soup-making old uncle of hers ! Sturtevant. [Looking about room.] Fine testimonial to the quality of Simpson's Anglo-Saxon soups. Tompkins. • Damn his soups ! It would have been all right if the old soup kettle hadn't left Viola this property 'with that blasted condition that she occupy this place for a year. [Doggedly.] Viola was all right until we came over here. And now, with so much money of her own, and all this — [with impatient wave of his hand about room] this confounded tomfoolery, — her head is turned. Sturtevant. In other words she wants to see life ? Tompkins. Hasn't she seen life in Brooklyn? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW II Sturtevant. [Raising eyebrows.] Um — still life. Tompkins. Brooklyn is not to be sneered at. [Sturtevant makes humorous gesture of apology.] There one can find peace, quietness, and respectability. Sturtevant. Um — plenty of those. [Seriously.] Viola is only human, you know — and, from my experience with Angelica, I'd advise you Tompkins. There is no comparison between my wife and yours. [Patronizingly.] Not that I mean to criti- cize your wife, Sturtevant, but you married a city girl. I didn't. Viola, as you know, came from simple, old-fashioned people — the real people; and that's what I intend to keep her. Sturtevant. In New York ! Tompkins. In New York, Brooklyn — or Jericho! Sturtevant. [Mildly.] Better make it Jericho. Tompkins. [With increasing vehemence.] Up to now I've kept her down to the good old-fashioned standard — to woman's sphere. 12 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Sturtevant. The housewife idea. Tompkins. [Blustering.] Isn't that woman's sphere? Sturtevant. Not to-day, my boy. Why, you're fifty years behind the times ! It's time you crossed Brooklyn Bridge ! Society — clubs, gowns, etc., is woman's sphere to-day. Tompkins. [With blow of fist on table.] And that's what I'm going to stop ! [Jumps to feet in excitement, looking down fiercely at Sturtevant. Sturtevant. Gently, old man, gently. Might as well try to stop the tide. It is the march of civilization. Tompkins. [With another blow on table.] It is the march of degeneration ! It shall be stopped, — stopped, I say! [Begins to pace room.] My wife has got to [Delia enters from butler's pantry with vase of roses. She stops short at Tompkins' loud voice, doubtful whether to enter. Tompkins chokes in effort to cover his excitement, trying to hide his embarrassment. Delia appears stupefied. ] Well ? Delia. [Collecting herself after a pause.] The roses, sor. [Extending vase.] Where Would you be wanting thim, sor? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 3 Tompkins. [Wiping his face.] Oh — er — anywhere. There — on the desk. Delia. Yis, sor. [Goes to desk. Tompkins. [Looks rather helpless and foolish. After an awkward pause, while Delia is arranging flowers.] Er — great day, Sturtevant — great day. What were we talking about? Sturtevant. [ With twinkle in his eye. ] Oh — er — soup, wasn't it? The excellence of Simpson's Anglo-Saxon soups. Tompkins. [Makes gesture of disgust; sotto-voce.] Con- found the soups ! Delia. [Looking up, her back towards the others, nods her head sympathetically, and mumbles.] Yis! Bad luck to thim! Tompkins. [Walking about restlessly, watching Delia and endeavoring to keep up conversation. Talks jerkily and disconnectedly.] Er — as I was saying, Sturte- vant, — this is going to be a great day — [Delia puts down flowers, picks up photo placed face down- wards by Tompkins earlier in the act] for the races [Delia dusts photo with her apron in 14 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW true Irish fashion.] Confound it! [Sturtevant watches both in amusement.] That little mare I was just telling you about Sturtevant. Eh? Tompkins. [Eyes on Delia.] Hang it all! Er — fine limbs. Sturtevant. Eh? Tompkins. You know — Comet — the little bay — planked my wad on her — sure winner. [Delia sets photo up- right beside flowers; sotto-voce.] Now, why the devil will she do that! [Makes start towards Delia. Sturtevant. [Nonplussed.] Eh? You don't want her to win? Tompkins. [Turning back.] Huh? Who? [Delia straightens things on desk. Sturtevant. Comet ? Tompkins. [With recollection.] Oh — yes, — of course, of course. Why, [confidentially] I've put my money on her. You didn't know that, did you? [Tele- phone bell rings. Delia looks towards Tompkins, SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 5 as if expecting him to answer it.] She's a sure winner. [Telephone bell rings again.] She's got a pedigree* that would make you take off your hat to her. [Telephone bell rings again. Delia. The telephone, sor. Tompkins. You answer it, Delia. [Delia goes to telephone closet at r. of staircase, leaving door partly ajar. To Sturtevant. ] And her record ! — why, I've [Voice dies out as he listens to Delia. Delia. [At telephone.] Yis, mum. [Pause.] Yis, mum. [Pause.] He is, mum. [Pause.] Will you shpake wid him, mum? [Pause.] Tompkins. [Hushed voice.] That's Viola, now. Delia. I don't think he's feeling very well, mum. Tompkins. Bless her heart! Thinking of me all the time. Delia's a fine servant. Got brains. Delia. Yis, mum — I'll till him. In half an hour? Yis, mum. A surprise? Tompkins. [Rubbing his hcfoids with satisfaction.] A sur- prise. l6 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Delia. Yis, mum — yis, mum — good-bye. [Hangs up re- ceiver, and comes out, closing closet door behind her.] It was Missus Thompkins, sor. Tompkins. [Eagerly.] Well? Delia. She's wid Missus Shturtevant. Tompkins. [Face falling, and looking at Sturtevant in dis- approval. ] Oh ! Delia. They're at the drissmaker's Tompkins. [Face lighting up with relief.] Ah! Delia. An' will be home in half an hour, — an' Missus Thompkins says to till you she'll be afther bringing home a little surprise for you. Sturtevant. I know those little dressmakers' surprises. [Putting hand on pocket. Tompkins. [Exultantly.] Good! Good! [Draws himself up with satisfaction. With pompous air.] Bring us some whiskey and soda, belia. You'll have some, Sturtevant? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW iy Sturtevant. I'm too well-bred to refuse. Tompkins. [Jovially.] Ha! Ha! [To Delia.] Bring it on! Delia. Yis, sor. [Exit. Tompkins. [With vigorous slap on back of Sturtevant, who draws away in pain.] Ah! Ha! It's all right ! She's gone to the dressmaker's ! Sturtevant. [In bewilderment.] Well, by Jove! That's the first time I ever heard a man rejoice over his wife's going to a dressmaker's ! The very name gives most of us fever and ague. [Quizzically.] Are you well, old man? [Enter Delia from butler's pantry with tray upon which are a decanter of whiskey, some glasses, a siphon of soda, and a cigar jar. This she takes to table near fireplace. Tompkins. [As Delia sets tray on table.] Perhaps I do need — " just a wee Deoch an' Doris "? [Takes up glass and decanter. Jovially.] Say when, Sturte- vant. Sturtevant. [Taking glass out of Tompkins' hand.] You're not responsible to-day, Tompkins. I prefer to be my own executioner. [Takes up decanter. 18 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Tompkins. [Laughing jovially. ] All right, old man ! [Rubbing his hands, and slapping Sturte- vant vigorously on shoulder; happily. Sturtevant. [Drawing away.] See here, that's the second time Tompkins. Oh, this is going to be a great day! [Sturte- vant again devotes his attention to pouring whis- key.] A great — [Tompkins starts to slap Delia on back in his excitement ; catches himself in sur- prise, much to the amusement of Delia, who turns her head away, and hides a broad smile in her apron. Tompkins' voice dies away hesitatingly on the last word] day. [In changed voice, with digni- fied severity. ] That will be all, Delia. [Sturtevant, busy with whiskey and soda, does not notice this little incident. Delia. [Her mouth still hidden by her apron, turns.] Yis, sor. [Again makes mistake of going to telephone closet for exit; gives impatient gesture of hand, and exits to butler's pantry. Tomp- kins pours generously whiskey and soda, Sturtevant standing with upraised glass. Tompkins. [Holding up glass, with festive spirit.] Let's drink to the winner! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 19 Sturtevant. I'll drink to Viola ! Tompkins. To Viola then ! The sweetest, most dutiful of wives! [Both men clink glasses and drink.] I tell you, Sturtevant — [setting down his glass, swelling up with pride and pushing his thumbs into his vest armholes] I tell you, a man likes to feel he is master in his own home. Sturtevant. [Dryly.] Um — I don't know the feeling. Tompkins. And you see a woman likes it, too, Sturtevant. No, I don't see it. Tompkins. Well, you will when Viola comes in. She's given in, you see. Sturtevant. [Impatiently.] No, I don't see, — and I wish, Tompkins, you'd stop talking like a glass of whiskey and soda. Tompkins. Here [Extending cigar jar, from which Sturtevant helps himself.] Sit down [indicates chair by fireplace] and I'll tell you all about it. [Takes cigar from jar, lights match for Sturte- vant. Sturtevant lights his cigar. Tompkins 20 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW does the same with his. Both men settle themselves comfortably in chairs before fireplace.] It was this way. While we lived in Brooklyn all was har- monious. Of course, occasionally a little differ- ence, — but — well [with wave of hand in direction of piano], roses, and a trip to the theatre, the races, or something like that, and all was well again. You know a man wouldn't realize how happy he was unless a little cloud came up once in a while, as sort of reminder. Sturtevant. [Shaking his head thoughtfully.] How many re- minders some of us " happy " devils have ! [ With sigh.] Go on. Tompkins. Well — there we lived, happy and contented. Viola consulted me in everything — I wished her to ; and I decided everything for her, — even to the matter of dress. Sturtevant. Dress! Dress, did you say? Tompkins. Yes, dress. Why not? Sturtevant. Good Lord ! I'd as soon think of masticating my wife's food. Tompkins. [Complacently.] Haven't you noticed in what exquisite taste Viola is always gowned? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 21 Sturtevant. [Scratching his head in thought.] I'm awfully sorry, old man, but I can't recall anything — special — about her dress. Tompkins. [Radiantly.] Ah! That is the greatest compli- ment you could pay her! Sturtevant. [Still pondering.] She dresses very — quietly, I should say Tompkins. Exactly. My theory is that a woman should dress according to her years. Sturtevant. Woman deciding the years ? Tompkins. Woman admitting the truth. Sturtevant. [Humorously. ] The — whole truth? Tompkins. [Seriously.] The whole truth. Sturtevant. [Pityingly.] Oh, Tompkins, what a babe you are ! You need a nurse. Tompkins. [Doggedly.] I see that Viola dresses in that manner. 22 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW STURTEVANT; Poor little woman ! And do you mean to say that she does it willingly? Tompkins. She did until we came over here. You see Viola is now coming into the autumn of life. Therefore, what more beautiful, what more appropriate than autumnal colors, — dull browns, — soft purples, — misty grays? They bring out the mellowness of years. Ah, Sturtevant, to see her dressed like that on an autumn day ! Why, man, you can scarcely tell her from the foliage by the wayside. Sturtevant. I believe you ! Tompkins. That is the way she used to dress, — but since we came into this godless place she has changed, — she rebels — she wants — [tone of desperation] bright colors. Sturtevant. Of course she does! Why, Tompkins, this is barbaric ! Don't you know that after a woman passes thirty-five life is one awful battle with Old Father Time? And Viola's reached the Fighting Age. Tompkins. I'm beginning to think she has. Sturtevant. It's as natural for a woman of her age to run to bright colors, facial massage, puffs, — fluffs [making SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 23 airy motions about head], coronations, transforma- tions, — and all such innovations, as for a butterfly to seek flowers. Now there's my wife, Angelica Tompkins. My wife's not like other women. She Sturtevant. [Pityingly.] How little you know about them! They're all alike in instinct. The difference lies in circumstances — and lack of opportunity. And you say yourself that since Viola has become an inde- pendent property owner she is inclined to display that tendency. Tompkins. [Violently.] It must be stopped! [With sud- den calmness and complacency.] And I flatter my- self it has been stopped. Sturtevant. What makes you think so ? Tompkins. Well, you see, the question of dress for the races to-day came up some time ago. I told Viola she might wear a russet brown, — the color of Comet, the little bay. She flared up and said she wouldn't dress like a horse. Most unreasonable ! And what do you think she wanted to wear? Sturtevant. Oh — hunter's green. Tompkins. Cerise! Cerise, man! Did you ever hear of such diabolical madness? 24 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Sturtevant. [Dryly.] Many a time and oft. Tompkins. Of course I came down on that with both feet. Sturtevant. And did Viola mind your — gentle tread? Tompkins. She showed an obstinacy I had never dreamed of in one of her submissive nature. I was firm. One must be firm with women, — as with children. As Shakespeare says : " They are but children of a larger growth." Sturtevant. [Ruminatingly.] Did he, now? I'm not as familiar with Shakespeare as you are. Tompkins. I reasoned with Viola as with a child — and she — well, she was as stubborn as a child, — but Sturtevant. Did she give in? Tompkins. Not exactly — that is, not then ; went to bed sulk- ing. Sturtevant. Ah! Tompkins. I felt it necessary to show my displeasure to a greater degree than usual, because this must be SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 2$ stopped. So I left the house a little earlier than usual — I knew that would make her repent — and — [with wave of hand and shrug of shoulders] all is serene again. [Gets up and struts about in self-satisfac- tion. Sturtevant. If you haven't seen her since, how do you know that? Tompkins. She has telephoned from the dressmaker's. Sturtevant. I don't see much assurance in that. Tompkins. [Pacing floor proudly.] That means she has gone to order what I want. Moreover, she says she has a little surprise for me. [With gesture of complete finality.] That means the russet brown. Ah, it's going to be a great day — a great day! [Wheeling about suddenly, and facing Sturte- vant.] Do you want to know the secret of how to be happy? Sturtevant. Though married? If you please. Tompkins. System, my boy. Sturtevant. System? 26 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Tompkins. System means success, — whether in business or matrimony. Sturtevant. System in matrimony! [Throwing up hands in despair.] Oh, Lord! You sound like the Ladies' Home Journal! [Ruminatingly.] What would happen to me if I tried that on Angelica ? [Shakes his head dubiously. ] Oh, no ! Oh, no ! Tompkins. [Patronizingly.] You didn't start right with Angelica, old man. That's where you made your mistake. As the philosopher, Walter Whitman, says : " Bend your tree the way you want it to go." Sturtevant. Did he now ? Well, I warrant he never practised that on Mrs. Walter. Tompkins. You should have established your authority at the beginning, Sturtevant. Sturtevant. [Ruefully.] I did; that is, I tried to; but— you never heard my wife hold up her side of an argu- ment, did you ? Tompkins. No-o, I don't believe I ever did. Sturtevant. Oh, you'd remember it if you did. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 2J Tompkins. U-m, I can imagine Sturtevant. By George, that woman is a conversational dynamo! You turn on the switch with a bit of opposition and she's off, — a perfect tornado; the air becomes blue, and after several hours you come to, dazed, shattered, a nervous wreck, wondering what's happened to you. I had one experience, — in the early years of happy wedded life, when I was just getting acquainted with her individuality. I wanted to go to Atlantic City for a rest; — she un- dertook to persuade me that I meant Palm Beach. Tompkins. You didn't go? Sturtevant. Go ? Of course I went. She'd be talking yet if I hadn't gone. [Seriously.] Tompkins, by actual count, I'd swear there are nine hundred and ninety- nine reasons why a man should go to Palm Beach. Tompkins. [Shaking his head, pityingly.] Too bad! Too bad ! That's where you made your first false step. Oppose a woman and she'll begin to doubt herself, and then she'll come to you for advice. Do you know man's greatest danger? Sturtevant. I know a lot of them. 28 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Tompkins. It's fear; fear of woman. Once you show that, you are lost. Now you are afraid of Angelica Sturtevant. [Bristling.] Who says I am? Tompkins. Well, aren't you? Sturtevant. No, I am a prudent man, Tompkins, — I'm a man of peace, and know the line of least resistance is the flowery path of matrimony. Tompkins. To make a woman fear you is to make a woman love and respect you. A woman should look up to her husband as a higher power. Don't they say [walking pompously about] that man is the most perfect work of God? [Draws self up before Sturtevant.] Don't that make him the superior of woman? But [condescendingly] I say a wife can be the most perfect work of man. That's demonstrated in Viola. Yes, sir, I'm proud of my work; — proud of it. [Wheeling about and facing Sturtevant.] And do you suppose I could have accomplished it if I was afraid of her? [Thumbs in armholes.] Never! I have absolutely no fear [Door-bell rings one long and two short rings. Tompkins listens attentively. At last ring shows nervousness.] There she is ! [Sturtevant, busy shaking ashes from cigars into fireplace, does not notice his perturbation. Tompkins starts to- wards door at u. r. ; turns back a little shame- SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 29 faced.] Oh, er, Sturtevant, — er what do you say to a game of billiards ? Sturtevant. [Stretching out legs comfortably.] Pretty com- fortable here. [Delia enters from door to butler's pantry and crosses towards door at u. l. Tompkins. [Nervously.] Long time since we had a game. I — I'd like to see if I can't beat you. Sturtevant. [Making no motion of moving.] Don't believe there's time. The wives ought to be here soon. [Consults watch. Sound of door closing outside. Tompkins. [Fairly dragging Sturtevant, casting furtive glances towards entrance all the while.] Oh, come on; come on. Sturtevant. [Going reluctantly.] Mighty sudden idea, this, Tompkins. I'd rather hear your ideas on matri- mony. [Exit u. r. Tompkins returns immediately, looks hastily towards entrance ; seeing that coast is clear tiptoes to desk, and puts photo face downwards ; hearing Mrs. Tompkins" voice in hall starts fearfully and runs out u. l., casting back a fright- ened look. Enter from u. r. Mrs. Tomp- kins and Mrs. Sturtevant, followed by 30 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Delia, who carries a dressmaker's box. Mrs. Tompkins is a rather timid appear- ing woman of thirty-five or forty years, with chestnut brozvn hair. She is dressed in a simple, inexpensive gown and hat of dull brown. The impression she gives is that of a negative personality. Mrs. Sturtevant, on the other hand, is gowned in youthful colors, tres a la mode. She carries herself with an air of importance and authority. She gives the impression of a snobbish, domineering, conventional personality. Mrs. Tompkins. [Looking about f ear f idly; then with a sigh of relief turns to Mrs. Sturtevant.] What a relief! He isn't here. But — [sniffing] I can smell him. [To Delia, who stands holding box.] Is Mr. Tompkins in, Delia? DELIAv He is, mum. Mrs. Tompkins.- [Frightened.] Oh, Angelica! Mrs. Sturtevant. [Looks at Mrs. Tompkins reprovingly through lorgnette. ] Viola, I have advised you. Mrs. Tompkins* [Weakly.] Yes, yes, I know. [Bracing herself ; to Delia with forced hauteur. ] Delia, where is he ? [The sound of billiard balls off stage is heard. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 3 1 Delia. In the billiard room wid Misther Stertivant, mum. I'll call him, mum. [Starts towards door. Mrs. Tompkins. [Quickly snatching her arm, in terror, plead- ingly. ] Oh, no — no, — don't ! [Seeing Mrs. Sturte- vant's reproving glance.] Don't — er — interrupt their pleasure. Mrs. Sturtevant and I have some- thing to talk over first. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Severely.] Have we? Mrs. Tompkins. Do sit down, Angelica ! You make me so nerv- ous looking at me like that. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Haughtily.] Perhaps you'd rather I'd go Mrs. Tompkins. [Quickly snatching her arm, as if in danger of drowning.] Oh, no, no, Angelica. I didn't mean anything. But you know I never did anything like this before. [Leads Mrs. Sturtevant to divan, where that lady sits in very erect position of in- jured dignity.] You said you'd stand by me. Delia. [Indicating box.] Shall I take this up-stairs, mum? Mrs. Tompkins. [Nervously.] Yes, yes, — get it out of the way. [Delia starts up-stairs. 32 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Sturtevant. i [Severely.] Viola! Mrs. Tompkins. [Rubbing her hands together in nervous agita- tion.] Oh, no, Delia. Leave it here. [Delia returns and sets box against wall. ] That will be all, Delia. [Delia turns to go.] Oh, Delia — [hesi- tatingly] what — what did Mr. Tompkins — say — when he came in? Anything — about me? Mrs. Sturtevant. Viola! Mrs. Tompkins. [Appealingly.] Oh, Angelica, please! Delia. [Regarding Mrs. Sturtevant with evident dis- dain.] He asked was you well, mum. [Mrs. Tompkins listens in pleased expecta- tion. Mrs. Sturtevant. [With a sniff.] Well? Delia. And I told him you was that bad you didn't ate a mouthful. Mrs. Tompkins. And what did he say ? Delia. Indade, he looked that sad it would make your heart ache. [Mrs. Tompkins looks pleased. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 33 Mrs. Sturtevant. [Sarcastically.] Would it! [Delia looks at Mrs. Sturtevant indig- nantly, and starts to expostulate, but catches herself. Mrs. Tompkins. He is sympathetic, Angelica. I know. Delia. [With pride.] An' thin he give me thim luvly flowers, an' said they wuz fer you. [Points towards roses on desk. Mrs. Sturtevant turns stiffly to look at flowers through her lorgnettes. Exit Delia to butler's pantry. Mrs. Tompkins. [Rushing to roses, buries her face in them.] Oh, you beautiful things ! Mrs. Sturtevant. They're not American Beauties. Mrs. Tompkins. [Inhaling their fragrance.] U-m! U-m! [Picks up photo, kisses it, and sets it upright on desk.] Dear old Nick! [Turning with radiant face to- wards Mrs. Sturtevant, who is regarding her with disgust.] Oh, Angelica, how sweet of him! Mrs. Sturtevant. Was he sweet last night? Mrs. Tompkins. • [Her face falling. ] No-o, — but those roses 34 SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV Mrs. Sturtevant. Are you to be bought by roses ? Mrs. Tompkins. [Weakening.] No-o, but it was nice of him to think of the flowers. You must admit Mrs. Sturtevant. Is it nice of him to dress you as he does? Is it nice of him to make you wear hats that look like a Methodist missionary? [Mrs. Tompkins rips off hat in anger and throws it across the room. Mrs. Tompkins. No! Mrs. Sturtevant. [Regarding Mrs. Tompkins critically through her lorgnettes.] — To spat your hair down like an old maid from Skowhegan ? Mrs. Tompkins. [Hurt.] Oh, Angelica Mrs. Sturtevant. — To make you wear American — [with a sniff of superior contempt] American ready-made clothes, that make you look like a — a little — brown hen ! Mrs. Tompkins. [Bristling with injury.] Angelica, this is going too far! Mrs. Sturtevant. [Pointing majestically towards mirror.] Judge for vourself. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 35 [Mrs. Tompkins goes to mirror zvith an air of injured dignity; regards herself. Mrs. Tompkins. We-11 — perhaps there is — some suggestion Mrs. Sturtevant. Suggestion ! [ With impressive tone of finality. ] Viola, you have no more individuality than — than Delia ! Mrs. Tompkins. [Struggling between surprise and indignation.] Oh! Mrs. Sturtevant. And there's Delia now. You shouldn't tolerate anything like that in your house. Mrs. Tompkins. Delia is a faithful servant, and we are both fond of her. Mrs. Sturtevant. Oh, she did very well in Brooklyn, I dare say, but in New York, — on Park Avenue ! [ Throws up her hands in gesture of despair. ] My dear, how do you expect to get into society, or to get society to come to you, if that is the face which will open your door? She gives the place the air of a Third Avenue boarding-house ! You must have a butler, my dear. Mrs. Tompkins. But Nick won't have one. 36 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Sturtevant. Another example of his tyranny. Think of the social advantages of a butler ! — and the educational advantages ! In my excitement I was quite for- getting it. [Affects a very superficial English ac- cent. ] My dear, it is positively bourgeois to live on Park Avenue without at least one butler. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, if I could only make Nick see things as you do! Mrs. Sturtevant. That is all a matter of culture, — and tempera- ment ! But, my dear, why consult him ? Mrs. Tompkins. [Timidly.] I have always done as he wishes. He is so strong — so masterful [Sinks apologetically into chair opposite Mrs. Sturtevant. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Speaking with increasing rapidity and pompous- ness. With affected English accent.] Brute strength! Nothing but brute strength! Man has always been called the superior of woman ? Why ? [Mrs. Tompkins looks nonplussed.] Because of that brute force. And it was ever by that cowardly weapon that he has ruled her, — like a bully. [Oratorically.] But to-day it is different. And why is it different? [Mrs. Sturtevant drives every question accusingly at Mrs. Tompkins, mak- ing that individual squirm uncomfortably in her SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 37 chair.] Because woman has found a stronger weapon. [Rising majestically, and continuing with gusto.] Ah, how much stronger, how much more poignant in its subtle — subtle — subtlety is woman's weapon ! Mrs. Tompkins. [Eagerly leaning forward in her chair.] What is it? Oh, what is it, Angelica? Mrs. Sturtevant. [ With impressiveness. ] Her power of speech ! A divine gift which every woman should cultivate to the highest degree — and [with complacency] which I myself have not neglected. Mrs. Tompkins. [With relief.] You mean "indirect influence," don't you, dear ? Mrs. Sturtevant. [Severely; focussing her lorgnettes on Mrs. Tompkins.] Viola, I am ashamed of you! In- direct influence, indeed! [Charging down upon Mrs. Tompkins indignantly.] What is indirect influence ? Mrs. Tompkins. [Drawing back in fright.] Oh, Angelica, I didn't mean Mrs. Sturtevant. [Ignoring Mrs. Tompkins' interruption.] It is slavery ! Slavery ! — as the sacred canons of Woman's Suffrage tell us. [Scornfully.] You would cajole $$ SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW your husband, Viola! You would wheedle him — wheedle, Viola ! Mrs. Tompkins. [Trying to remonstrate and defend herself.] Oh, but Angelica Mrs. Sturtevant. That is cowardice, Viola! It is a confession of fear. Mrs. Tompkins. [Timidly.] But I am afraid of Nick Mrs. Sturtevant. Viola, never allow yourself to fear a man; or should you be so weak, never let him know it. If you do, you are lost. Does a dog worry a cat that stands up and defends herself? Not that I con- sider that a good hyperbole.- No, he leaves her alone ever after. That is what you must do. Show Nicholas your claws if necessary Mrs. Tompkins. [Shocked.] Oh, Angelica! I couldn't; I haven't any! Mrs. Sturtevant. I mean it only in the allegorical sense of the word, my dear. I mean you must take a stand of independence, and maintain it. Mrs. Tompkins. If I only had some of you in me. You are so magnetic — so SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 39 *»■ Mrs. Sturtevant. [Condescendingly.] Of course, you cannot be quite like me — but, with fearlessness and practice, you may make much of your opportunities now. A man, once trained in the right direction, adores power in a woman. I don't know how T. Gordon would exist without me. [With increased majesty.] Woman should be what the Maker intended her to be — man's support and guide. What are men, after all? Mrs. Tompkins. [Bewildered.] Why — what? Mrs. Sturtevant. They are but children of a larger growth. Will they cease to love us if we assume the responsibility of guiding them in the right direction ? Nay, rather will they learn to recognize our superiority, — to re- spect and admire us as never shackled angel was loved before ! Mrs. Tompkins. [Drazving forzvard her chair and leaning in breathless admiration.] How wonderful you are, Angelica ! Don't stop, please. Don't ever stop ! Mrs. Sturtevant. [Flattered, continues with greater oratorical dis- play.] We have reached a stage in the civilization of the world when the inevitable deterioration of man calls out to us to come forward and lift him out of the slough of degeneration. [Waxing elo- quent, with majestic gesticulations.] Woman is to save man ! She is to save the nation ! She is to save the world! 40 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, Angelica, you ought to be a great leader, — a Joan of Arc, or a — a — Mrs. Pankhurst! Go on! Oh, do go on ! I'm. learning so much ! [Draws chair nearer, listening in breathless attention. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Spurred on anew.] Yes,, we are to save the world ! Fate has so decreed it. The average woman is foolish and unintelligent. [Pointing quickly at Mrs. Tompkins.] You are an example of the average woman. Mrs. Tompkins. [Hurt.] Oh, Angelica! Mrs. Sturtevant. Oh, I mean it only in the sense of pity. The downtrodden woman! Viola, you have a mission in the world ! And it begins right here on your own threshold! We must begin with the concrete, and go on to abstraction ! We are the coming rulers and men are discovering it. Why didn't they want to give us the vote? Because they were afraid of us ! Did we submit to such ignominy ? No ! How did we win our rights? By the power of persua- sion, by the justice of our demands ! Man was born free : why not woman ? Because of man ! Who made her a slave ? Man ! Is it right ? Is it just? No! No! No! Woman's instinct fits her preeminently to form an opinion — and to voice it. Man was born with power. Woman shall acquire it. And how ? Through her inane — innate superi- ority ! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 41 Mrs. Tompkins. [In ecstasy.] Oh, Angelica, you are wonderful! Wonderful ! Mrs. Sturtevant. Hitch your motor to a star, Viola, and invite your husband to ride with you when you see fit. But always keep your own hand on the wheel. Mrs. Tompkins. How poetically you put things, Angelica ! Mrs. Sturtevant. This is the Age of Woman! Seize your oppor- tunities! Assert your rights! Mrs. Tompkins. [Who has become visibly excited by the ivords of Mrs. Sturtevant, jumping up.] I'll do it! I'll do it! [Looking about helplessly.] What'll I do? Mrs. Sturtevant. [Pointing imperiously towards dressmaker's box.] Put on the garb of independence — of freedom ! Mrs. Tompkins. [Suddenly becoming very limp; in frightened voice.] Now? Mrs. Sturtevant. [Resolutely.] Now. Mrs. Tompkins. [Clasping her hands in nervous terror.] Before you? And T. Gordon? Oh, there's sure to be a terrible scene! 42 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Sturtevant. [Calmly and deliberately.] Victory was never won without a struggle. I shall stand by you. You will need my moral support. [Mrs. Tompkins ap- pears to grow smaller in her terror. ] The hour for action has arrived. [Mrs. Sturtevant sweeps majestically to- wards dressmaker's box and, bringing it to divan, proceeds to undo it. Mrs. Tompkins. [Hovering about in restless nervousness.] Oh, I'm afraid. Nick will be furious. Oh, dear, — oh, dear. What shall I do ? What shall I do ? Mrs. Sturtevant. [Sternly.] You will be firm now, or eternal sup- pression will be your fate. [Draws forth from box a bright cerise wrap of latest Parisian importation. Mrs. Tompkins. [As Mrs. Sturtevant holds up wrap.] Oh! [Clasping her hands in childish ecstasy.] Oh, isn't it beautiful ! Mrs. Sturtevant. [Practically.] Put it on. [Holds it up for Mrs. Tompkins to slip into. Mrs. Tompkins. [Slips into it eagerly; looking down upon it and turning about at various angles. ] Oh ! Oh ! I've never had anything so gorgeous ! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 43 Mrs. Sturtevant. [Regarding her through lorgnettes.] Now you begin to look human. Mrs. Tompkins. [Runs to mirror to regard herself; in ecstasy.] Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! [Hearing men's voices from the billiard room, becomes suddenly frightened.] Oh! [Looks about for a place to hide.] Oh! I can't face Nick. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Sternly.] Viola! Comeback. Mrs. Tompkins. [Pausing; trembling.] Oh, Angelica! Mrs. Sturtevant. Remember the scene last night. Do you want it repeated ? Mrs. Tompkins. [Hesitatingly.] N-o, but [Looking at her- self in the mirror again. ] Oh, it's getting brighter, Angelica ! It's getting brighter every minute ! And I know Nick. It will be like waving a red flag before a bull ! Mrs. Sturtevant. [Coldly.] Then take the bull by the horns. Mrs. Tompkins. [Still regarding herself intently in the mirror.] This looks so much brighter at home. [Turning to Mrs. Sturtevant with guilty hesitation.] An- gelica, I don't believe it's the same. I'm going 44 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW back and tell them they've given me the wrong one Mrs. Sturtevant. [Severely.] They've made no mistake, Viola. Now call your husband. Mrs. Tompkins. [Looking about, as a caged animal] Oh! I'm getting so weak! [Appealingly.] Really, An- gelica, I'm not well. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Relentlessly.] Put on the dauntless spirit of resolution. Mrs. Tompkins. [Looking about helplessly.] My spirit's all right, but my knees wabble. Oh, if I only had something to brace me up ! [Totters to chair, by which she supports herself. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Catching sight of decanter of whiskey on table by fireplace; going towards it.] Here, my dear, this will strengthen you. [Takes up decanter and glass. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, Nick doesn't approve of women drinking. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Rouring generous measure of whiskey into glass and filling remainder of glass with soda.] All the more reason why you should take it. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 45 Mrs. Tompkins. I feel so weak. You see, I didn't eat any break- fast. I was so upset. {Drinking, choking and couahina.] Oh, it's wretched stuff! Mrs. Sturtevant. Drink it ; — every drop. Mrs. Tompkins. [Again attacking zuhiskey.] Oh, Angelica, you are a wonderful woman ! You could make any- body do anything. [Again regarding herself in mirror.] You know nothing but a complete state of intoxication would make me feel comfortable in this wrap, Angelica. [Shaking glass.] This isn't so bad when you get used to it. [Laughs happily.] My knees are beginning to stiffen already. It gives you a sort of cozy feeling, doesn't it ? Mrs. Sturtevant. [Smiling in satisfaction as she sees Mrs. Tomp- kins regain her composure.] I trust it will give you strength to abide by your resolution. Mrs. Tompkins. [Recollecting.] My resolution? Oh, yes, my resolution. [Taking stand in middle of room.] This is the hour for action. [Draining glass.] U-m. It's wonderful what that has done for me. [Laughing rather foolishly.] You know, Angelica, I've always thought I was a born sport, — but I've never had a chance. I'd like to break loose, and hit the high places. I'd like to sow some w T ild oats. [Getting rather noisy.] Why shouldn't a woman sow wild oats? Man does it. 46 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW [Voices off stage indicate the approach of the men from the billiard room. Mrs. Sturtevant. [In low voice, taking Mrs. Tompkins by the arm.] Come into the hall, by dear. Mrs. Tompkins. [Resisting.] What for? I'm not afraid. [Waving her arm in fearless manner.] The hour for action has arrived. Mrs, Sturtevant. No! No! We must make an impressive en- trance in order that Tompkins may get the full effect. Mrs. Tompkins. [Gaily.] All right! The full effect. [Laugh- ing.] Oh, I was never so happy! The hour for action [Mrs. Sturtevant draws her through door u. r. Enter Tompkins rather gingerly, followed by Sturtevant. Tompkins. [Looking about.] They've gone up to Viola's room, most likely. [Going to desk, and regarding picture.] Well, that's all over. [Sighs with relief. Sturtevant. What's all over? Tompkins. Our little lovers' quarrel. They make life all the sweeter. [Putting thumbs in armholes of vest.] SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 47 Ah, Sturtevant, you ought to take lessons from me. [With wave of hand.] A little cloud makes the sunshine all the brighter. Viola loves me again. [Waves his hand towards his photo on the desk. Sturtevant. And how do you know that, pray ? Tompkins. [Drawing Sturtevant towards the desk.] See that picture ? Sturtevant. [Adjusting his eye-glasses.] Why, it's you. I don't see anything so wonderful about that. Tompkins. Don't, eh? Well, that registers the temperature of the house. Sturtevant. Eh? Tompkins. Yes, sir, the temperature, — figuratively speaking. When all is serene I stand so. [Placing photo in upright position.] When there's a cyclone I'm in the dust, — so. [Putting photo face downwards on desk.] You know, — like the old Romans. [Point- ing thumbs downwards.] Die. [Pointing thumbs upwards.] Live. Pretty little idea of Viola's, isn't it ? Sturtevant. Well, I'll be 48 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Tompkins. [Pointing to photo.] I found myself so when I came home ; but time, — and the roses, you see [Restores photo to upright position, and stalks proudly about room.] It's pretty nice to feel that you have a dutiful, obedient wife [Halting to regard photo complacently; his back to entrance u. r.] Eh, old boy? [Slaps Sturtevant on back. Immediate entrance of Mrs. Tompkins wearing the cerise wrap. Her attitude is that of bravado. Mrs. Sturtevant, with a haughty society air, follows. Mrs. Tompkins. [Tripping airily down front; jovially.] Hello, boys! [Mr. Sturtevant, catching sight of her, starts back in surprise. Tompkins. [Before turning; tenderly.] My darling! [Last syllable lost in startled amazement as he tarns and sees the apparition.] Holy horrors! [Staggering backwards.] What's this? [Mrs. Tompkins stands in the middle of the stage regarding first one and then another with an air of complete self-possession, and with a childlike smile of innocence. Mr. Sturtevant looks from one to an- other in bewilderment. Mr. Tompkins, speechless with anger and amazement, is choking; Mrs. Sturtevant calmly looks on with the air of a general who has abso- lute command of his ground. In the fol- SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV 49 lowing scene Mrs. Tompkins has an air of childlike naivete. She is never ruffled; maintains an attitude of complete assur- ance, and smiles innocently and confidingly when we would expect her to be terrified. Mrs. Tompkins. [Looking up into the face of Mr. Tompkins with a confiding smile. ] Your little wif ey, dear. [ Turn- ing to Mr. Sturtevant, extends her hand in wel- come. ] Hello, T. Gordon! Isn't it a lovely day for the races ! What yer betting on ? Sturtevant. [Looking in embarrassment from the wrathful Tompkins to the stolid Mrs. Sturtevant.] Eh? — er — hum. [To Mrs. Sturtevant.] What am I betting on, my dear ? Tompkins. [Bursting forth in volcanic anger.] Viola! What — what is the meaning of this? Mrs. Tompkins. [Innocently.] This? What? Tompkins. [Pointing to wrap.] That! Mrs. Tompkins. [Feigning bewilderment.] That? Oh, my frock [With sweet smile.] How do you like it, dear? [To Mr. Sturtevant.] You like it, don't you, T. Gordon? [Holding it out with each hand and turning about. 50 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Sturtevant. [Looking anxiously at Tompkins.] It's a little bright, Viola. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Severely, to Mr. Sturtevant.] T. Gordon, it is not bright. Sturtevant. [Apologetically.'] No — no, certainly not, my dear. It isn't bright, but you see Nick might think it was a little bright, and I — you see [Mrs. Sturtevant takes him by arm and leads him up stage, apparently instructing him. Up stage, they engage in whispered conversation, or rather Mrs. Sturtevant carries on the conversation, Mr. Sturte- vant trying to remonstrate at first, but finally settling into acquiescent attitude; Mrs. Sturtevant keeping always a watch- ful eye on Mr. and Mrs. Tompkins. Mrs. Tompkins. [To Tompkins, with confiding smile.] You don't think it's too bright, do you, dearest? Tompkins. Bright! It looks like — like [spluttering] the devil ! Mrs. Tompkins. [Looking down upon herself with surprise.] Oh ! Mrs. Sturtevant. He's thinking of Faust, my love. Per-haps it is a bit Mephistophelian in tint. [Uses lorgnettes. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 5 1 Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, I just love Me-es-sof-er-lees. [Her tongue gets twisted about zvord.] " For he's a jolly good fellow." [Holding out her coat and taking a dance step, sings snatch of song: "For he's a Jolly Good Fellow." Tompkins. [Unable to restrain his anger.} Stop that! [Mrs. Tompkins halts in innocent surprise.] Take that off! [Points to wrap.} Take it off! [Mrs. Tompkins looks up into his face, laughing tantaliz- ingly.] Take it off, I say. [Mrs. Tompkins laughs, throws him a kiss and turns away wilfidly.] Viola, take that off. Mrs. Tompkins. [With a toss of her head, laughs, runs to piano and sings, playing air with one hand.} "Oh, Nicholas, don't be ridiculous.''* [Mr. Sturtevant looks on half-amused, half-anxious, trying to listen to his zvife and the other two at the same time. Mrs. Sturtevant retains attitude of stolid dig- nity throughout. Tompkins. [To Sturtevant in bewilderment.'] What's gotten into the woman? [Turning suddenly upon his wife in desperation.} Will you take off that vile, infamous, obscene garment ! Mrs. Tompkins. [To Mrs. Sturtevant in amazement.} I don't 52 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW think he likes it. [To Tompkins, indifferently.] No, darling. I'm going to wear it to the races. Really it will be a lovely touch of color Tompkins. [Thundering voice.} Viola, do you refuse to obey me? Mrs. Tompkins. Obey? [Putting her hand to head in thought.} What foreign word is that? Obey? [Looking up with smile.} I know it not. [Mrs. Sturtevant nods head in approval. Tompkins. You've known it until this hour. Mrs. Tompkins. [With sudden recollection, and wave of her hand.} This hour! Ah, this is woman's hour! [Comes down stage.] This is the hour for action! Eh, Angelica? [Mrs. Sturtevant nods smilingly. Mrs. Tompkins skips gaily to the mirror and regards herself with satisfaction. Sturtevant. [To Mrs. Sturtevant, in whispered voice of remonstrance.] My dear Mrs. Sturtevant. [Severely.] Not a word, T. Gordon. This is Viola's affair. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 53 Tompkins. [To Mrs. Sturtevant.] You are responsible for this ! Mrs. Sturtevant. [With hauteur.] I am responsible for nothing but what is right. Tompkins. [To Sturtevant.] Sturtevant, your wife must keep out of this. Sturtevant. [Humorously.] If you can keep her out of any- thing I'll give you — my seat on the Stock Exchange. Mrs. Sturtevant. T. Gordon, this is no time for levity. Sturtevant. [Dryly.] There doesn't seem to be much of it about. Mrs. Sturtevant. That's enough. Come with me — I want to talk to you. Sturtevant. [Squelched.] Oh, certainly, my dear — certainly. [They go up stage, where Mrs. Sturtevant talks to Mr. Sturtevant seriously. Tompkins. [Arrogantly, to Mrs. Tompkins, who is admir- ing herself in the mirror.] Viola, come here! 54 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. [Looking at him over her shoulder, indifferently.] Uh? Tompkins. [Pointing to floor in front of him.] Come right here. Mrs. Tompkins. [Trying to puff her hair.] I'd rather stay here, old chap. Tompkins. [Furiously.] Don't you call me " old chap." Mrs. Tompkins. [Regarding herself studiously in mirror.] Well, you are getting on, you know. Tompkins. [Imperiously.] Come here! Mrs. Tompkins, [Coming half-way.] Meet yer half-way. [Laughing. Tompkins. I shall not take a step from this spot until you remove that garment. Mrs. Tompkins. Poor old chap ! How'll you Have your meals served? Standing, or sitting? [Sturtevant bursts into a laugh. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 55 Tompkins. Shut up, Sturtevant! This is no laughing matter. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Deprecatingly.] Really, T. Gordon, your lack of tact is most lamentable. [Sturtevant puts hand to mouth apologetic- ally to hide smile. Mrs. Sturtevant maintains attitude of stolid dignity. Tompkins. [To Mrs. Tompkins, severely.] For the last time, Viola, what is the meaning of such actions? Mrs. Tompkins. [Innocently.] Actions? What actions, dearest? Mrs. Sturtevant. [With superior air.] Actions speak louder than words. Tompkins. We'll do with such trifling. Mrs. Sturtevant. Trifling ! Tompkins. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] What do you mean by flaunting such a thing before me? What do you mean by this insolent attitude? Never — never be- fore have you disregarded my wishes Mrs. Tompkins. [Shaking her head regretfully.] Think of all that time wasted ! 56 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Tompkins. [Sternly.] Viola, I am your husband. Mrs. Tompkins. [Lifting her hand in protest.] Oh, please — don't chide me with the faults of my youth — I was young ; — I knew not what I did. Tompkins. In your marriage vow you promised to love, honor and obey me. Mrs. Tompkins. I sneezed on the last word. [Mrs. Sturtevant interrupts a laugh from Mr. Sturtevant with a severe reprimand. Mrs. Sturtevant. Gordon! [Sturtevant subsides. Tompkins. [Desperately.] For the last time, will you or will you not take off that garment? Mrs. Tompkins. [Softly.] Not, my gentle spouse. Tompkins. [Buttoning up his coat.] Then you are no wife of mine. kins Sturtevant. [Trying to remonstrate.] Oh, I say, Tomp- [Mrs. Sturtevant pulls him into the back- SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW S7 Mrs. Tompkins. [Smiling innocently at Tompkins.] Thus endeth the chapter on Matrimony. [Picks up her skirts and starts to leave the room. Sturtevant. [Starts towards Tompkins; with anxiety.] Oh, I say, Nick. [Turns towards Mrs. Tompkins.] Viola! [She stops and turns.'] This is carrying things too far ! Great Scott, Viola, think of all the years you have been married ! Mrs. Tompkins. My memory won't go back so far. Sturtevant. [Turning appealingly to Tompkins.] Nick, old man, you're making an ass of yourself. Tompkins. [Fiercely.] Don't confuse me with yourself. Sturtevant. [Turning from one to the other, and finally ap- pealing to Mrs. Sturtevant.] But dress is such a silly thing to Mrs. Sturtevant. T. Gordon, you know there is nothing so sacred to a woman Sturtevant. [Conciliatingly.] Oh, of course — in a superficial way, my dear, but 58 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Sturtevant. [Reprovingly. ] Gordon ! Mrs. Tompkins. How would you like to be dressed like a grand- mother ? Sturtevant. Why, — bless my soul Mrs. Tompkins. Well, I guess somebody had better bless your soul. Sturtevant. I'm a man of peace. Tompkins. Then keep out of this. [To Mrs. Tompkins; going to her.] Am I to understand that you de- liberately refuse to dress as I wish ? Mrs. Tompkins. [With smile of encouragement.] You're just be- ginning to grasp it, dear. [With flourish of arm.] This is the Age of Woman! The Ren, — Rene, — the Renovation of Woman! [With naive smile.] No more russet browns, — no more misty grays, — no more mulberry purples, — no more Tompkins. [Furiously.] When you drop those colors you drop me, too ! Mrs. Tompkins. [With tantalizing sang-froid.] You might leave your latch-key on the table as you pass out, dearie. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 59 Tompkins. [Driven to desperation.] I will pass out ! [Starts blindly towards stairs. Sturtevant attempts to remonstrate, but Mrs. Sturtevant draws him back firmly. ] And I won't pass in again until you come to your senses. [Rushing and stumbling up stairs.] I'll teach you a lesson.* [Hurrying towards door at r. of landing. Mrs. Tompkins. [Looking after him, with aggravating, smiling serenity.] We might exchange lessons, darling. Tompkins. [His hand on the door handle.] I'll teach you who is master in this house ! Mrs. Tompkins. [Gently.] You forget Uncle Simpson's gener- osity. Tompkins. Uncle Simpson be hanged ! [Goes into room precipitantly, slamming door violently behind him. Mrs. Tompkins. Nich-olas should learn self-control, shouldn't he, Angelica, dear? Mrs. Sturtevant. [Going to divan, and sitting in dignified rigidity.] He has much to learn, my dear. [Sturtevant shows bewildered perturbation. 60 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Sturtevant. [Seriously.] See here, Angelica, — and Viola, too. You have carried this too far. This is no way to handle a man. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Looking at him through her lorgnettes.] And pray what do you know about handling a man? I think I may be considered an authority on that subject. Sturtevant. [Dryly.] Perhaps you are right, my dear. Mrs. Sturtevant. [With superiority.] Certainly I am right. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] I am proud of you, my dear. Your tactics are worthy of a woman of intelligence. Be firm in your resolution, whatever the price. Sturtevant. [Going to Mrs. Sturtevant; with determina- tion.] Angelica, you have no right to meddle with other people's affairs. Mrs. Sturtevant. Somebody must do it, — and who more capable than I ? [Severely.] T. Gordon, I am surprised at your want of Christian charity. Doesn't the Bible tell us to help a fellow-creature in distress, — to succor the weak and downtrodden? Isn't Viola a living example of that? For how many years has she submitted to the yoke of tyranny ! For how many years has she been the oppressed, — the victim SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 6l of man's cruel, selfish, domineering egotism! For how many years Sturtevant. [Throwing up his hands in helpless despair.] Oh, Lord, Angelica, have it your own way ! [IValks away. A commotion is heard from the direction of the room on the landing. All three turn and listen. Mrs. Tompkins. [In a whisper.} He's coming. Mrs. Sturtevant. Remember your determination. [The door is jerked open, and Tompkins appears, very red in the face, and carrying in his arms and hands a tangled mass of wearing apparel and toilet articles, which appear to have been gathered up in haste. In the collection may be distinguished pajamas, bedroom slippers, a tooth-brush, a hair-brush, a pipe, a rain-coat, an um- brella, a silk hat and a suit-case. Tompkins. [Mumbling in anger as he rushes headlong across landing and down stairs.] Now we'll see if she'll come to her senses ! We'll see who's master ! [Drops several articles as he descends stairs. Mrs. Tompkins. [Going to his assistance.] You dropped some- thing, dear. [Picks up articles and hands them to him. 62 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Tompkins. [Trying to take them puts tooth-brush over one ear to disengage hand.] I'm quite able to look after myself ! [Snatches things from her, dropping more things in doing so, Sturtevant. [Picking them up and handing them gingerly to Tompkins.] Dropped something, old man. Tompkins. [Puts bedroom slippers into pockets and snatches things viciously from Sturtevant. To Mrs. Tompkins.] Now, madam, is your last chance. [Kneels on floor trying to open suit-case, jerking at it impatiently, and mumbling in anger at his inability to open it. Mrs. Tompkins. [Soothingly, as to a child.] Let me help you, dear. Tompkins. [Pushing case towards her impatiently.] I don't need your help. Mrs. Tompkins. [Opening case deftly.] There! [Tompkins, gathering up articles and rising without putting them in case, walks about angrily, dropping things from time to time. Mrs. Tompkins and Mr. Sturte- vant gather them up, and restore them, as to a spoiled child. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 63 Tompkins. [Looking at Mrs. Tompkins, as if he expected her to drop on her knees in repentance.] Well, madam, I'm going. Mrs. Tompkins. [Looking him over, and smiling.] So it seems, dear. Tompkins. You needn't " dear " me. I'm through with it. [Starts towards entrance u. R. Sturtevant. [Going after Tompkins, and patting him sooth- ingly on the shoulder.'] Now, see here, Nick, this is no way to handle a woman. Tompkins. [Sneering.] I suppose I should follow your ex- ample and be a nice little Fido. Sturtevant. What! Mrs. Sturtevant. [With a cold stare.] Well, really, Mr. Tompkins. [To Mr. Sturtevant.] A man in a rage is not responsible, dear. We must make allowances. Tompkins. Rage! Who's in a rage? [To Sturtevant.] I'll thank you for keeping out of my affairs — [to Mrs. Sturtevant] and you, too, madam. 64 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Sturtevant. [Rising with dignity.] Come, T. Gordon, we are not here to be insulted, when we wish to help. These domestic scenes are really too — too bourgeois. [Goes towards entrance, Mr. Sturtevant lingering anxiously behind. Tompkins. [Coming back to middle of room, to Mrs. Tompkins.] And as for you, madam, you have just the time it takes me to get from here to the door to take off that rag, apologize and promise to dress as a respectable woman should. Mrs. Tompkins. Really I'm not equal to such an acrobatic stunt. [Suddenly to Mrs. Sturtevant.] Angelica, where do you get your gowns ? Mrs. Sturtevant. [With superior air.] Oh, all my gowns come from Paris. Mrs. Tompkins. [With determination.] So shall mine. [Going quickly towards telephone closet.] I'm for Paris! [The others look at each other and at her in speechless amazement. Sturtevant. [With gasp.] What! Tompkins. [ Under his breath. ] Paris ! [Mrs. Sturtevant looks at Tompkins with an expression of satisfied generalship. SHE KNOWS SETTER NOW 65 Mrs. Tompkins. [Getting telephone book, hurriedly turning pages in search of number, smiling joyfully.] No more American-made dresses ! No more russet browns ! No more missionary bonnets ! No more Hello ! Hello, Central, — give me Paris. Oh, no, — give me the Atlantic Ocean. What — I want to go to Paris. Oh, — a boat? Yes, — of course. Yes. — Well, give me a boat. — I'm in a dreadful hurry. — What ? — Oh, I don't care, — any line what's swell. — What? Give me a French line, — one that speaks good French. I must learn the language on the way. Sturtevant. [Going quickly to Tompkins, who appears stupe- fied.] Good Heavens, Tompkins! You'd better look after her. Tompkins. [Rushing up to telephone, and attempting to take it from her. ] Viola, are you mad ? [Mrs. Sturtevant retains attitude of stolid dignity throughout excitement of men. She nods her head occasionally in ap- proval; otherwise shows no emotion. Mrs. Tompkins. [Turning away from Mr. Tompkins, speaking sweetly into 'phone.] Hello! Hello! [To Tomp- kins.] It is you who are mad. [Into 'phone.] Oh, that wasn't for you. — I want to go to Paris. — Not until to-morrow? Oh, dear, couldn't you pos- sibly get one to-night? 66 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW [Mr. Sturtevant bustles from Mrs. Sturtevant to Mr. Tompkins in his anx- iety to smooth matters out. Sturtevant. [Going to Mrs. Sturtevant.] Angelica, you've got to stop this. Mrs. Sturtevant. Stop this ? What have I to do with it ? [He expostulates with her in pantomime. Tompkins. [In thundering voice to Mrs. Tompkins.] Put down that telephone ! Mrs. Tompkins. Do you think you are speaking to a dog? [Into telephone.] Oh, I was only speaking to my hus- band. I wouldn't talk to you like that. — No, in- deed. There's a boat to-morrow? I'll take it. — Sails early? That's good. [To Mr. Tompkins.] I can't get away quick enough. Tompkins. You'll do nothing of the sort. Mrs. Tompkins. I want a nice stateroom with southern exposure. Tompkins. If you go, you go alone. Mrs. Tompkins. Certainly I go alone. I've had enough of being handcuffed to a husband. [Into telephone.] What SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 67 kind of staterooms? What? De Luxe? Are they proper for ladies travelling alone? — Oh, they are? Then you may give me plenty of " de luxe." No, send them up by a messenger boy. Mrs. Viola Tompkins. [To others.] How I hate that name! [Into 'phone.] Would I like to change it? [To Tompkins.] I may, later. [Into 'phone.] It's Tompkins, — now. Yes, Brooklyn. — Oh, no, 129 Park Avenue. — Oh, yes, I'm sure. You see I haven't lived here very long. — What? You should judge not? [To others.] Now, what does he mean by that? [Into telephone.] What do you mean? [Pause.] He's gone. Well, [smiling at others] you may send me flowers to-morrow morn- ing. I'm off for Paris ! Tra la la la la la. Tompkins. [Suddenly very calm.] You intend to do this, do you, Viola? Mrs. Tompkins. Why, of course. Tompkins. Very well, — I'm through with you — for all time. [Turns to go out. Sturtevant. [Rushing up to him in anxiety.] Now, Nick. [Patting him soothingly on the shoulder. Turning to Mrs. Tompkins, does the same.] Now, Viola. You mustn't do this. Mrs. Sturtevant. Gordon ! 68 SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV Sturtevant. Angelica, you must help patch this up. [To Tompkins.] Nick, let her have her own way. Tompkins. And go against my principles? Never! Sturtevant. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] Viola, what does it mat- ter how you dress — at your age ? Mrs. Tompkins. At my age ! At my age ! Sturtevant. Well, you know what I mean. If you were a young girl — er — trying to catch Nick Mrs. Tompkins. [Laughing.] Trying to catch him! Trying to lose him! Sturtevant. [Turning to Mrs. Sturtevant.] Angelica, it is silly, isn't it? Mrs. Sturtevant. Silly ! Of course it is silly. Sturtevant. There you see Angelica says so, too. [To Mrs. Sturtevant.] You'd dress just like Viola, if I asked you to, wouldn't you, darling ? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 69 Mrs. Sturtevant. [In horror.] Make such a fright of myself? Never ! Sturtevant. [In despair.] Oh, Lord! [Appealingly.] I'm a man of peace, and Tompkins. Then this is no place for you. Mrs. Sturtevant. Come, T. Gordon, we will talk this over in the privacy of our own home. [Starts towards entrance hall, followed by Mr. Sturtevant. Sturtevant. [Turning to Tompkins.] Oh, but it is too bad to miss the races. We were going to have such a good time. Tompkins. Confound the races ! Sturtevant. [Throwing up his hands in despair as he follows Mrs. Sturtevant.] Gone! With Simpson's soups ! [Exit. Mrs. Tompkins. [Running after them and calling.] Oh, Angelica, I want those dressmakers' addresses. 70 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Sturtevant. I'll be back, dear, — after I talk to T. Gordon. [Mrs. and Mr. Tompkins regard each other a moment in silence, Mr. Tompkins in anger and Mrs. Tompkins sweetly serene. Tompkins. I suppose you realize what you are doing ? Mrs. Tompkins. Perfectly. I'm going to have the time of my life ! I'm going to sow my wild oats, — sow them all over Europe. I'm going to live — for the first time. Tompkins. [Hurriedly and viciously pushing clothes into suit-case, and jamming silk hat on his head, bolts towards door.] You may send your apologies to the club in the morning. [Exit. Mrs. Tompkins. [Calling after him.] I wouldn't look for special deliveries. [Outer door slams. Throwing up her arms in glee, and running to bell rings.] Oh, this is such fun ! [Runs about room in excitement, stops to admire herself in glass.] Paris! [With deep sigh.] Ah! [Seeing Tompkins' photo on piano, frowns, goes to it and places it face down- wards. Enter Delia.] My trunks, Delia. Delia. [In surprise.] Your thrunks, is it? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 7 1 Mrs. Tompkins. [Laughing joyously, and imitating Delia's brogue^] Me thrunks it is, to be shure, Delia — I'm afther lavin'. [Runs up stairs.] I'm afther taking the next steamer to Europe — to Paris. [Opening door of room at r. of landing.] To anywhere but Brooklyn — and I'm going — alone, Delia ! [Exits u. l. singing any popular air. Delia. [Alone.] Glory be to God! What'll become of us all? [Makes sign of the cross. CURTAIN ACT II SCENE. — The same; time, early September. The rise of curtain discovers room in a semi-closed condition. The hangings at window l. have been drawn back to let in the daylight, but window on landing is still darkened. Delia is busily engaged in removing furniture coverings. The impression given should be that of hurried preparation for opening a closed room. On small table at r. c. is an open box of American Beauty roses; besides it a vase. Removing the last covering, Delia puts it with a pile of others on the floor up stage. She arranges the roses in vase, puts the card in a conspicuous place among them, and places vase on desk-table at l. c. She then hurries up the stairs and draws back the hangings over window upon landing above. As she is drawing the cord the door- bell rings, — one long and two short rings. Delia. [Starting with a cry of joy.] It's hersilf it is! [Quickly descending stairs, Delia dusts her hands together, gives her apron a jerk, her cap a poke, and runs excitedly tozvards entrance. Mrs. Tompkins' voice is heard in the outer' hall; and she immediately enters, followed by Chesterton, Delia bustling after them in excitement and 72 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 73 pleasure. Mrs. Tompkins is dressed in a steamer coat of conspicuous black and white check, a large hat hidden by a heavy chiffon veil, a face veil partially concealing her face. She carries a square leather toilet case and a parasol of cerise, the handle of which represents a large green parrot's head. Chesterton is a pompous and im- pressive-looking English butler. He car- ries a much-labelled suit-case and a hold- all Mrs. Tompkins. [Hesitates at entrance, then comes unsteadily down stage, seises the back of a chair, and sighs.] Ho-hum ! [Chesterton remains motionless at u. R. Delia. [Fluttering about Mrs. Tompkins.] Shure an' it's that glad I am to see you back it's like the sunshine comin' into a dungeon, mum. Mrs. Tompkins. Thank you, Delia — although you are not exactly complimentary to the house. [Looks about languidly. Delia. Will I take your things, mum? Mrs. Tompkins. [Yielding bag and parasol] Let me get my bearings first. [Sinks limply into chair beside small table. Delia takes things into hall and returns 74 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW immediately, standing solicitously over Mrs. Tompkins who throws back her veil and puts her hand to her forehead. Delia. It's not sick you are, mum? — an' afther three months in Europe? Mrs. Tompkins. Delia, is this floor steady ? Delia. [Surprised.] Steady, is it? Mrs. Tompkins. Doesn't it go a little this way — and that? [Illustrates with her hands the pitching of a boat. Chesterton. [Who has remained in one position since entering the room, with superior manner, and with a strong English accent.] I think madam still feels the motion of the steamer. Mrs. Tompkins. [With expression of repugnance, rolling her head from side to side. ] Ugh ! That boat ! [Delia, who in her joy over the return of Mrs. Tompkins, has been almost oblivious of the presence of Chesterton, now gazes at him with an expression of awe and admiration. Chesterton. Might I suggest something to calm madam's nerves ? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 7$ Mrs. Tompkins. Yes, suggest whiskey and soda — it's the one thing that brought me across the Atlantic alive. Chesterton. Quite so, madam. [ To Delia, loftily. ] Whiskey and soda, my good woman. Delia. [With a little curtsey of civility.] Yis, me lord. [Mrs. Tompkins looks up on hearing Delia's words, and turns towards Chesterton, regarding both in amusement.] Will I take yer things, me lord? [Extends hands eagerly as Chesterton gives her his luggage with an air of flattered condescension. Chesterton. If you please. [Delia takes luggage and starts up stage. Delia. The best guest room, mum ? Mrs. Tompkins, [Smiles in delight, and now speaks in imitation of Chesterton's pronunciation.] Dear me, Delia, I quite forgot to introduce Chesterton, my new butler. [Delia turns in surprise and indignation, regarding first Mrs. Tompkins and then Chester- ton.] Chesterton, you will find Delia most amia- ble ;6 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Delia. [Throwing luggage at Chesterton's feet.] But- ler, is it ? Thin ye'll carry yer own bundles. [Chesterton starts back in disapproval, looking askance at Mrs. Tompkins. Mrs. Tompkins. — most amiable when you know her. Delia, you will show Chesterton his quarters — the third floor back. [Delia's attitude has now changed to sullen reproach as she regards the interloper. Delia. [Starting off stage.] Come along wid ye, thin. [Exit. Chesterton hesitates, looking at his baggage, then bending stiffly, picks it up with dignity and turns to follow Delia. Mrs. Tompkins. [Smiling at Chesterton naively, showing her delight and satisfaction.] Come down as soon as you can, Chesterton. The Count is coming to call and I want him to see you in your new position. [During the play Mrs. Tompkins in her scenes with Chesterton endeavors to imi- tate his English accent. It is only when under great excitement that she forgets and lapses into her own speech. Chesterton. [Bowing.] Very good, madam. Mrs. Tompkins. It was so good of him to loan you to me. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 77 Chesterton. [Bowing with condescension.] It will be a pleas- ure to be employed by you, madam, I'm sure, but — [peering into hall] but this woman, I fear Mrs. Tompkins. Don't mind her, Chesterton; a little natural jealousy. Chesterton. Quite so, madam. I think I can manage her. Delia. [Her head appearing around the corner.] Are ye comin' ? If ye're not ye'd better hurry up. [Chesterton follozvs Delia very stiffly, Mrs. Tompkins looking after him in evi- dent satisfaction, Mrs. Tompkins rises, looks about languidly, wanders aimlessly about room, apparently deep in thought. Still walking about, she proceeds to remove her veil, revealing a showy hat. She now endeavors to extricate her head from the many hat-pins. Taking them out one by one, she puts them between her teeth as she searches for more, lifting her hat after each removal to see if there are any more offering resistance. Finally, holding at least ten large jezvelled hat- pins betzveen her teeth, she lifts the hat from her head, which is a mass of blonde curls and puffs, and about which is fastened a broad bandeau. She goes to the mirror to admire herself. Taking the pins from her mouth, one by one she replaces them tenderly in yS SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW the hat, studying herself carefully the while in the mirror, and humming happily. As she puts in the last pin with an affec- tionate little pat, she tosses the hat onto a chair, and, again turning to the mirror, makes a low curtsey. Mrs. Tompkins. [Laughing softly.] Countess De la Nochebuena. [Throws back her head, laughing happily. Look- ing about cautiously she starts to open her coat, which she has kept until now closely buttoned. Re- garding herself in the mirror, she eagerly and guiltily throws it back, and the audience sees reflected in the mirror a flash of bright colors. A noise off stage is heard. Mrs. Tompkins gives a start, and cry of guilty fear, and quickly refastens her coat, as Delia enters from butler's pantry bearing a tray upon which are whiskey, a siphon of soda, a bowl of cracked ice and a glass: This Delia places upon the small table at r. c, Mrs. Tompkins sinking rather limply into the chair beside it. In the pres- ence of Delia she drops her affectation and be- comes her old self, as seen in Act I. Fixes whiskey and soda, with a sigh of relief.] Ah, Delia, it seems good to be home. Delia. [With a heavy sigh.] But it's no home at all it is widout a man, mum. Mrs. Tompkins. [Smiling dreamily.] Perhaps there'll be a man — soon. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 79 Delia. [Delighted.] Thin Mr. Tompkins'll be afther comin' back? Mrs. Tompkins. [Frozvning.] Don't mention his name. [Delia draws back in surprise.] Have you heard anything from him? Delia. [Sadly.] He's sorrowin' for you that bad it'd make yer heart ache — the good man. Mrs. Tompkins. Sorrowing ? How ? What do you mean ? Delia. Shure he comes in and wanders through the house like a ghost out of his grave Mrs. Tompkins. Didn't I tell you not to let him in? Delia. You did, mum, but it's his own latch-key he has, and I niver know whin he'll spring up. It's dead entirely I am wid the fright. Mrs. Tompkins. How dare he come here ? Delia. He's that lonesome, he is. He talks about you and picks up the little things that were yours. Ah, shure it'd make your heart ache, mum. You'll be afther lettin' him come back, mum? 80 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. [Weakly.] No-o. Never. Delia. [Bitterly.] If it wuzn't for that Mrs. Sturtevant you'd be livin' together as happy as two lambs. Bad cess to her. Mrs. Tompkins. [Severely.] Delia, remember Mrs. Sturtevant is my friend. Delia. Frind, indade. [With recollection, pointing to- wards roses.] Thim flowers might be from her. She tiliphoned she'd be here as soon as you got in. Mrs. Tompkins. [Going towards roses.] Oh, how nice. [Door-bell rings. Mrs. Tompkins starts in alarm, draws her coat more closely over her, and looks about as if she would like to hide. Delia. That may be her now. [Starts towards entrance; turns.] Perhaps it's yer gintleman butler ye'd be wantin' to open the door. Mrs. Tompkins. Nonsense, Delia, you mustn't mind him. He's just for style. Delia. No good iver comes of style. SHE KNOWS BE TIER NOW 8 1 Mrs. Tompkins. Nobody will ever take your place, Delia. [Re- peated rings of door-bell. J Now run along and see who it is. [Delia exits mumbling. Mrs. Tompkins goes to flowers, smells them, takes up card, and is examining it as Mrs. Sturtevant, with her usual impressive air, enters, Delia following and regarding her with disapproval as she crosses towards butler's pantry. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Advancing ceremoniously.] My dear! Mrs. Tompkins. [Embracing Mrs. Sturtevant enthusiastically, Mrs. Sturtevant submitting with dignity.} Oh, Angelica, my love, I am glad to see you. Without you I'm like a ship that has lost its compass, you know. Mrs. Sturtevant. A very pretty simile, I'm sure. It would have been my pleasure to have met you at the dock — but considering the embarrassment of the customs, I deemed it kinder to call upon you here. [Sits on divan, in very erect posture. Mrs. Tompkins. [Looking about nervously.] Don't talk about customs. It makes me rickety. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Her eyes brightening expectantly.] Ah, then you 82 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. [Anxiously.] I have so many things to ask you. Tell me about Tompkins. Are we really divorced? Mrs. Sturtevant. I don't know that it has been decreed by the courts yet, but the papers have been full of it. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, horrible. Was it very sensational? Mrs. Sturtevant. Oh, dear, no. It scarcely caused a ripple. You see, there have been so many " spicy " cases, that yours — " Incompatibility " was quite common- place — quite commonplace. Then there was no scandal you know and — [zvearily] that, of course, is very dull, in these days. Mrs. Tompkins. [Shakes her head.] I never would have done it if it hadn't been for you, Angelica. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Patronizingly.] What is a friend for, my dear? Don't thank me; — it was my duty to guide you. Mrs. Tompkins. I'm sure it must have been right, because you're always right. [Mrs. Sturtevant acknowledges the compliment with dignified inclination of the head.] I was angry at first, and then gloried in my freedom, but now, when I get back here and see everything associated with the past — well, I have a queer feeling here. [Puts hand over heart. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 83 Mrs. Sturtevant. [Sympathetically.] The sea is very upsetting to one's digestion. You'll feel better in a day or two. Mrs. Tompkins. I can't help feeling, after all, that divorce is a dreadful thing. Mrs. Sturtevant. Dreadful ! Viola, don't let anybody hear you say that in these days of advanced civilization. That idea is quite as antiquated as bonnets and hoop skirts. It smacks so of Brooklyn — and such medi- aeval spots. My dear, divorce is a godsend. It is the safety-valve of matrimony. Without it marriage would, indeed, be a dangerous venture. It would mean race suicide. And aside from its economic value think of its social advantages. It is the entering wedge to society. It will be of inestimable value to you, who have a reputation and position to establish. Why, nearly everybody in good so- ciety, in really good society, has been divorced at least once. Mrs. Tompkins. You haven't been. Mrs. Sturtevant. In my case it wasn't necessary. I, of course, am an exception, but I'm an individualist, you know. Mrs. Tompkins. Yes, you are wonderful, Angelica, and [with a sigh] it makes me feel better to hear you talk like 84 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW this, because I must confess I have twinges of con- science about Tompkins. Mrs. Sturtevant. Sentimentality, my dear — mere sentimentality; a weakness which you must overcome. Remember he brought it all on himself. He sought divorce, — not you. He made every move. Let him come back on his knees and grovel at your feet. Your role is to plunge into every gaiety. And, above all, don't avoid the society of men. Mrs. Tompkins. That won't be hard. {Getting up and brushing her hands together as if washing them of the whole affair.] I'll do just as you say, Angelica. Tomp- kins no longer exists; — but I must have excitement. Mrs. Sturtevant. You'll find enough of that in New York. Mrs. Tompkins. Now we'll drop the whole matter. [Fanning herself.] My, it's hot in here. Phew! [Goes towards window. Mrs. Sturtevant. Hot ! Why, there seems a decided indication of Fall in the air. But tell me about your trip and the customs. Mrs. Tompkins. [Starting guiltily away from the window in hushed voice.] Ssh ! That word gives me fever and ague. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 85 Mrs. Sturtevant. You had trouble ? Mrs. Tompkins. {Peering about cautiously.] No, I didn't. Mrs. Sturtevant. Then they didn't go through your trunks ? Mrs. Tompkins. They went through everything, — and found noth- ing. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Disappointed.] Oh, you didn't buy anything. Mrs. Tompkins. Didn't I? I'll be broke until the end of the month. Mrs. Sturtevant. But, my dear, how did you get them in if Mrs. Tompkins. Wore them in, Angelica. Wore them in. I'm a human innovation trunk. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Looking at her through her lorgnettes.] I never should dream such a thing. Your figure seems quite — normal. How could you? Mrs. Tompkins. [Laughing.] Oh, just tightening the hawsers a bit, you know. [In pantomime goes through proc- ess of drawing up corset lacings; then listens, and 86 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW looks about to see that nobody is near.] I'll give you a demonstration of how Viola hoodwinked Uncle Sam. Mrs. Sturtevant. Oh, do. I'm dying to see what you have bought. Mrs. Tompkins. [Walking up and down stage, takes a Baedeker from her pocket.] Look at me, Angelica. What would you say about my appearance ? Mrs. Sturtevant. Nothing unusual — unless you are a little plumper. Mrs. Tompkins. Wouldn't you say " traveller " was stamped all over me? Mrs. Sturtevant. You do resemble that type, to be sure. Mrs. Tompkins. Of course. The diligent tourist. Art-for-art's- sake type, guide-book in hand — with that unmis- takable gallery expression. [Opens book and goes through pantomime of following lines with index finger as if seeking number, glancing from book to walls with that strained, earnest expression so often seen on the faces of tourists in foreign galleries.] Let me see — 247? Double-starred. [Looking over walls anxiously.] 242, 246, 247. [Disappointed expression.] That thing! Can't be numbered right. Let's see what it says about it. [Reads.] " The mouth, the lips, the rose tints of the cheeks — SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 87 this is not color." [Triumphantly.] Humph, I should say not. [Continues reading.} " But actual, living flesh." [Dubious expression; looks intently at imaginary picture, expression gradually changing to one of admiration.] Really? Oh, it's wonder- ful, isn't it? So lifelike! I don't know what I should do without this book. [Laughs.] A cor- rect imitation of our cultured countrywomen, Angelica. [Mrs. Sturtevant laughs tolerantly. Mrs. Tompkins walks up and dozvn stage unbut- toning her coat.] Keep your eyes on Viola — Presto! [Turns towards Mrs. Sturtevant, hold- ing coat open and showing a bright cerise lining.] This is my lucky color, you know. [Slips out of coat and tosses it on any convenient piece of fur- niture. She now stands forth dressed in an ex- pensive evening wrap of so striking a color that Mrs. Sturtevant gasps in surprise.] Here you see my lady tripping daintily up the steps of the opera house. [Turning about to show it from all angles. ] Papuin's latest model ! Isn't it a darling ? Mrs. Sturtevant. [Amazed, walking about her to examine the garment more closely.] My dear, how did you dare? Mrs. Tompkins. [Taking one or two dance steps, laughing glee- fully. ] Take a chance — that's my motto, my Monte Carlo sporting blood. [Turning about.] Notice how well it suits my figure. Mrs. Sturtevant. It is remarkable what it does for you. 88 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. [Touchily.] Eh? Mrs. Sturtevant. I mean it is really most becoming — and it matches your complexion beautifully. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, I got the complexion to match the wrap. But once more focus your lorgnettes upon Viola. [Mrs. Sturtevant complies as Mrs. Tompkins removes wrap, revealing beneath it a diaphanous evening gown, sensational in every detail. It is made in one piece, drapes around the figure and fastens at the side, so that it is easily removed.] There! Isn't that a lullaby ? Mrs. Sturtevant. [Examining it.] It is not very substantial. Mrs. Tompkins. Nothing is that is really good style. Oh, my dear, the shops in Paris! Such dreams of frocks! Some of them little more than dreams — what Anthony Comstock, Esquire, might call nightmares. Mrs. Sturtevant. I'm afraid this would disturb his rest. Mrs. Tompkins. [Laughing.] Well, I have no designs on him. Notice the. grace of that line — and the freedom about the feet, so convenient for the Tango. And see here. [Unfastens gown at side, deftly slipping out of it.] Neither man nor maid necessary. That's why I bought it. [Passes it to Mrs. Sturtevant. SME KNOWS BETTER NOW 89 Mrs. Sturtevant. [Lifting it lightly in one hand.] My dear — do you — er — think it is — er — quite Mrs. Tompkins. [Laughing. ] Comme il f aut ? How the Parisian atmosphere does cling to one ! Mrs. Sturtevant. Er — yes. Comme il faut. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, quite — for New York ; perhaps a little alarm- ing to Brooklyn though. [Now gowned in another striking evening costume. Note: Lines of comment on garments selected will be added so that a running fire of conversation may be kept up all through the disrobing scene. Mrs. Sturtevant. Oh, you have another on? Mrs. Tompkins. I should hope so. Doucet's smartest. One thou- sand francs, — and a perfect peanut in a pop-corn bag at that. N'est-ce-pas ? Mrs. Sturtevant. [Walking about Mrs. Tompkins to observe the costume more closely.] Exquisite, my dear, ex- quisite ! [Comments on the gozvn to be filled in ac- cording to its style and characteristics. 90 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. Just extend a helping hand to a sister in distress, won't you? You know the one time I miss Tomp- kins — the brute — is when I'm dressing. A man is so handy at the hooks. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Helping Mrs. Tompkins out of gown.] Yes, I've known women to marry for that very reason. Mrs. Tompkins. [Stepping out of gown.] Watch the petals fall. , [ Throws gown on chair and stands forth now gowned in a tight- fitting afternoon frock of latest extreme style.] Voila! The slender nodding lily ready to receive her guests. So delighted to see you, Sefior le Count. Will you have one lump or two? [Lifting her arms in relief and taking a long breath.] My, it seems good to get down to " au naturel " again, I can tell you. Imagine me, An- gelica, in those things since seven o'clock this morn- ing, the thermometer at 83 in the shade; I, gasping for breath, and saying to everybody, " Very chilly this morning, isn't it ? " Couldn't sit down — how could I? Had to lean against the rail, or waddle 'round the deck. Mrs. Sturtevant. Why didn't you resort to the usual devices, as I instructed you before you went away ? Mrs. Tompkins. What devices? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 91 Mrs. Sturtevant. Fifth Avenue dressmakers' labels, substituted for foreign ones, a little European dust, etc. . Mrs. Tompkins. [Shaking her head wisely. ] I had that all planned out, with enough souvenir spoons, silk stockings, gloves, and other gimcracks to throw them off the scent, as I supposed, but I met a woman on the boat who talked so much about spies in Paris, spies on the boat and spies on the dock that I had blind staggers all the way over, couldn't sleep because I thought the port-hole was the eye of a spy, and when I did drop off I had nightmare and delirium tremens. It makes my knees go 'round like a spiral staircase to think of it now. Mrs. Sturtevant. What would you have done if you had been caught ? Mrs. Tompkins. Bluff it out. Bluff is the greatest thing in the world, Angelica. It's wonderful what one can do with it. Why, I travelled all through Europe on it, — and I travelled first class, too. Mrs. Sturtevant. People get found out sometimes. Mrs. Tompkins. [Nonchalantly.] Oh, then " temporary insanity." That's absolutely reliable. It'll carry you through anything nowadays. Ho-hum. Getting all that stuff off my body is as good as confession for the 92 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW soul. [With sudden thought] But I must get it out of the way. [Begins gathering up things.] If anybody should see all this Mrs. Sturtevant. [Sitting down and looking at Mrs. Tompkins with an expression of disappointment.] Is that all you brought in ? Mrs. Tompkins. [Halting in amazement.] All! Why, there's enough here to put me in the Tombs for [Mrs. Sturtevant's expression changes to reproach. Mrs. Sturtevant. I didn't think it of you, Viola. Mrs. Tompkins. [Puzzled.] Why, what's the matter, Angelica? I should think you would be proud of my ingenuity. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Coldly.] You did very well — for yourself. Mrs. Tompkins. For myself? Mrs. Sturtevant. [Injured air.] Oh, it's all right. I see you quite forgot the string of pearls you promised to. get me. Mrs. Tompkins. [Clapping her hands together in sudden recollec- tion.] The pearls! [Roguishly.] You wouldn't SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 93 be very much disappointed if you didn't get them, would you, Angelica ? Mrs. Sturtevant. I have always wanted them — and you know T. Gordon has a great dislike for them and would never get me any. Mrs. Tompkins. [Trying to hide a smile. ] It isn't nice to come between man and wife. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Rising as if preparing to go.] You have dis- appointed me — grievously. [Starts towards door. Mrs. Tompkins. Wait a minute, Angelica — I've something else to show you. Mrs. Sturtevant. I don't think I care to see anything else. Mrs. Tompkins. [Laughing and dragging her back.] Oh, yes, you do. [Points down to her skirt.] Notice how well my skirt hangs? How it clings to my figure? Mrs. Sturtevant. [Coldly tolerant.] It hangs very well, yes. Mrs. Tompkins. Weights. Mrs. Sturtevant. Yes ? There's nothing specially remarkable about weights. 94 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. [Mysteriously.] Oh, yes, there is— about these weights. [Draws Mrs. Sturtevant to divan.] Sit down, and I'll show you. [Mrs. Sturtevant shows reluctance.] Do sit down. It'll be worth your while. [Both sit. Mrs. Tompkins turns up the bottom of her skirt and shows at intervals along the hem pockets held together by clasps.] A little invention of mine. [Deftly opens a pocket and draws forth a package wrapped in tissue paper, which she unrolls, looking roguishly at Mrs. Sturte- vant, humming a popular air.] I may send on to Washington for a patent; too bad not to share this little discovery with my erring sisters. [Holds up a diamond ring which she slips on her finger. Then extends her hand towards Mrs. Sturtevant for admiration. Mrs. Sturtevant shows mingled curiosity and injury.] Does Viola go to Europe for nothing? {Dives into another pocket and draws forth another package.] I hope I don't bore you, Angelica, dear. [Mischievous glance at Mrs. Sturtevant. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Coldly.] Not in the least. Your evident en- joyment interests me — psychologically. Mrs. Tompkins. Is that what you call it ? [ Unwraps package and holds up to her ears a pair of long ear pendants of pearls and diamonds. Fastening them to her ears.] I couldn't get away from these, so I thought I would get away with them. [Turning her head from side to side in order that Mrs. Sturtevant may realize SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 95 their beauty. ] Fascinating things, aren't they ? So feminine. [Laughs, and goes rapidly on with the business of extracting from various pockets numer- ous bits of jewelry, all for her ozvn personal adorn- ment. Mrs. Sturtevant becomes more reticent and more grieved in her manner, endeavoring to show her feeling of injury. Mrs. Tompkins sees this, and shows her enjoyment in teasing her. Drawing forth another package. ,] Lady Houdini ! A prize in every package. [Another package.] Another bit of childlike frolic. Art for art's sake. [Another package.] How are you to prove that you have been abroad unless you have something to show for it? [Another package.] Le dernier cri, they called it, in Paris. But everything is the dernier cri over there ; — in fact, they made me think I was, myself. [Another package.] And now, my dear, you have shown such sympathetic interest and appreciation of my little extravaganzas that I am going to show you my piece de resistance. [Ex- tends to Mrs. Sturtevant a beautiful cigarette case ornamented with rubies and diamonds.] Doesn't that eat your heart out with envy ? Mrs. Sturtevant. [Taking cigarette case wearily.] A cigarette case with a "T" in diamonds and rubies. Mrs. Tompkins. I got that for Tompkins in Paris — had a foolish spell. Now I don't know what to do with it. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Bored.] It doesn't interest me. [Rising.] Well, really, I must be going 96 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, do try one of my Parisian cigarettes before you go. Mrs. Sturtevant. You know I don't smoke. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, but you'll want one of these. [Snaps open cigarette case. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Looking wearily into case with her lorgnettes, gasps, then stoops to look more closely.] Viola, my pearls! [Lifts string of pearls from case. Mrs. Tompkins. Sanctum, sanctorum. And you thought I had gone back on you — after all you've done for me! Jamais ! Jamais de la vie ! Mrs. Sturtevant. [Sitting down and eagerly examining pearls.] How magnificent ! And an " S " in diamonds for a clasp! Mrs. Tompkins. Viola never forgets the frills. It's the feathers that make the peacock, you know. Mrs. Sturtevant. I'm almost afraid to ask the cost. Mrs. Tompkins. [Carelessly.] Oh, just a cool and comfortable twenty-five thousand francs. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 97 Mrs. Sturtevant. [Musing.] If it might be cool and comfortable. You know T. Gordon's silly antipathy for pearls. If I should tell him the truth Mrs. Tompkins. Don't do that, my dear; — never, never! It only makes trouble. I've just found out that — er — pre- varication is the spice of life. Mrs. Sturtevant. How can I pay you? Mrs. Tompkins. Watch out for the psychological moment. You know you used to tell me that there is always a psychological moment when a woman can just twist a man 'round her little finger. I never found that moment with Tompkins — but, with your experi- ence Mrs. Sturtevant. It may take time Mrs. Tompkins. Take all the time you want, my dear. Mrs. Sturtevant. It is very sweet of you, my love. I never for a moment doubted your generosity. [Mrs. Tomp- kins lifts her eyebrows humorously. Settling com- fortably into seat beside Mrs. Tompkins.] And now, dear, tell me about your trip. Did you have a good crossing ? 98 . SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. Rotten ! Boat had St. Vitus's dance all the way across. Mrs. Sturtevant. What a pity ! Any interesting people on board ? Mrs. Tompkins. [Slyly.] One. Mrs. Sturtevant. Ah ! Not a woman, I surmise. Mrs. Tompkins. Is one woman ever interesting to another on an ocean voyage ? No, Angelica, it was not a woman. It was a man, — and such a man ! [Expression of ecstasy. Mrs. Sturtevant. Who is the deity? Mrs. Tompkins. Wait and see. He's coming this afternoon. [Slyly.] Tompkins is a stupid name, don't you think ? So vulgar ! Mrs. Sturtevant. Viola, you're not going to — so soon? Mrs. Tompkins. [Humming mischievously.] Oh, I'm not telling. Mrs. Sturtevant. How long have you known him? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 99 Mrs. Tompkins. Picked up at sea. But not another word. I want to see what you think of him. [Starts to gather up smuggled articles. Enter Chesterton from butler's pantry; starts back on seeing that Mrs. Tompkins has a visitor. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Catching sight of Chesterton, lifts her lor- gnette.] Why! [Mrs. Tompkins starts guiltily and through- out the scene endeavors to stand between Chesterton and the smuggled articles. Chesterton. [Bowing apologetically.] Beg pardon, madam. So sorry for the intrusion, madam. [Backing out. Mrs. Tompkins. [In confusion.] Oh, Chesterton, how you fright- ened me. Chesterton. I am deeply grieved, madam. I came to get my orders. Mrs. Tompkins. [Looking at Mrs. Sturtevant with the smile of a child with a new toy.] Oh, Angelica, there is something I didn't have to pay duty on. Don't go, Chesterton. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Rising and surveying Chesterton through her lorgnettes.] Ah, a butler. It is well. 100 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. [Her mind more on the articles about than upon what is being said.] Oh, very well, aren't you, Chesterton ? Chesterton. [A little puzzled.'] Well? Oh, yes, madam, in consideration of the discomforts of travelling on a vacillating sea, I am enjoying excellent health. Mrs. Tompkins. [Imitating Chesterton's accent and method of speech.] Ah, it was, indeed, a vacillating body of water. We all had our discomforts, — even the stewards. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Carefully looking Chesterton over, much as she would a horse.] Turn around, my good man. [Chesterton complies in surprised dignity. Mrs. Tompkins, also a little surprised, looks on with a proud, childlike smile. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Summing up Chesterton's good points.] Well formed, with a suitable amount of dignity and poise. Yes, a satisfactory presence. [Lowers her lorgnette with finality. Ches- terton shows surprise. Mrs. Tompkins. [Laughing.] Will stand without hitching. A high stepper, but warranted to be gentle. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Reprimanding tone.] Viola! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 101 Mrs. Tompkins. [Recollecting her position, with dignity.] Yes, Chesterton has all the essentials of an excellent butler. [Chesterton bows in acknowledgment, Mrs. Tompkins bowing in return. Mrs. Sturtevant. Is he well trained? [To Chesterton.] What would you say, Chesterton [To Mrs. Tomp- kins. ] Er — I think you said " Chesterton " is the name? Mrs. Tompkins. Yes, Chesterton. Nice name, isn't Mrs. Sturtevant. [Ignoring Mrs. Tompkins.] What would you say, Chesterton, if a visitor should call? Chesterton. I would say " I will ascertain if my lady is within." [Mrs. Tompkins sighs with delight. Mrs. Sturtevant. And if Mrs. Tompkins did not wish to be dis- turbed ? Chesterton. I would say " My lady will regret exceedingly that her numerous engagements have denied her the pleasure of your call." Mrs. Tompkins. [Dreamily.] It sounds just like a novel. 102 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Sturtevant. [Turning tozvards Mrs. Tompkins.] Viola, I think you may feel confidence in this man. [Resumes seat as if matter were settled. Mrs. Tompkins. Confidence. Well, rather. [With English ac- cent.] Yes, Chesterton, I'm sure you will be most satisfactory. [Chesterton bows.] I will talk your duties over with you later. Chesterton. [With a bow.] Very good, madam. [Mrs. Tompkins bows; Chesterton exits. Mrs. Tompkins. [Looking after him with a sigh of contentment.] Ah— hum ! Mrs. Sturtevant. Where did you find him? Mrs. Tompkins. Another deep sea discovery ; — former valet to the other — son of Neptune. Mrs. Sturtevant. Very good style. Mrs. Tompkins. That's the principal thing, isn't it? Mrs. Sturtevant. Of. course. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 103 Mrs. Tompkins. [Once more turning her attention to things about room.] I really must get this stuff out of here or I'll be caught with the goods. I thought Chester- ton looked suspicious. [Taking up hat.] Oh, see here, Angelica. I almost forgot this. Virot's select model — designed especially for American ladies. Isn't it a little gem? [Puts it on. Mrs. Sturtevant. Is " little " the proper adjective? Isn't it a trifle extreme ? Mrs. Tompkins. Not for Viola — or New York. [Taking it off, and pointing to hat-pins.] And there are about two hundred dollars in hat-pins that escaped the eagle eyes of our beloved Uncle Sam. And see here! [Drawing yards and yards of lace from lining of hat.] You know, I ought to be on the stage doing this. [Laughing.] Oh, how I fooled 'em! Wasn't I silly to be frightened? It was the easiest thing. [Door-bell rings.] Oh! [Sudden fright.] Who's that? Mrs. Sturtevant. [Showing perturbation.] They may be after you now. Mrs. Tompkins. [Starting to run off stage.] Oh, where shall I go? Mrs. Sturtevant. Viola ! Come back here. This is your affair, not mine. 104 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, my knees. [Clutching chair.] You'll stand by me, Angelica? Mrs. Sturtevant. I really must be going. Mrs. Tompkins. [Imploringly snatching Mrs. Sturtevant by the arm.] You won't leave me now — all alone. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Showing anxiety to get away.] I'm sorry — I — er — have an engagement. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, dear ! What shall I do ? [Expostulating voices heard off stage. Enter Chesterton and Delia. Delia. It's mesilf will open the door. Chesterton. You forget yourself, my good woman. Remem- ber I am butler, and have Delia. Out of my way wid yer fine airs. [Pushes him aside, and starts towards door. Mrs. Tompkins. [Hastily rushing from one thing to another, with- out accomplishing anything.] Delia, help me. Chesterton, I'm not at home. I'm in Europe — go- ing up the Nile. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 105 Chesterton. If it should be the Count, madam? [Mrs. Sturtevant pricks up her ears, and ceases her preparations for departure. Mrs. Tompkins. [Letting down with a sigh of relief.} The Count ! Of course. Oh, I had such a fright. [To Ches- terton.] Of course I'm at home to the Count. [Mrs. Sturtevant shows increasing interest. Chesterton. Very good, madam. [Exit. Mrs. Tompkins. [To Delia.] Help me get these things up-stairs, Deiia. [Begins hastily gathering up things; puts hat backside foremost in endeavor to get her hand free. Hat soon slips to a rakish angle. Mrs. Sturtevant. Let me help you, my love. [Begins gathering up things. Delia. [Looking about in amazement at quantity of stuff.] Glory be to God, where did it all come from? Where is the thrunk? Mrs. Tompkins. [Rushing about, and piling stuff into Delia's arms.] Oh, I'm just moulting. Quick, up into my room. 106 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW [Delia, bewildered, runs upstairs, Mrs. • Tompkins and Mrs. Sturtevant follow- ing. Delia goes into Mrs. Tompkins' room. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Pausing for breath on the stairs.] The Count, did you say ? Mrs. Tompkins. [Passing things to Delia, who reappears at door.] Um-hum. Sounds good, doesn't it? Too bad you must go. Mrs. Sturtevant. Perhaps I can stay — a little longer — if Delia will 'phone Mr. Sturtevant to call for me here. [Delia reappears at door. Mrs. Tompkins. Certainly. I want to see T. Gordon. [To Delia.] Delia, telephone Mr. Sturtevant. [Delia starts to descend stairs.] Telephone him to come up to tea. Say Mrs. Sturtevant is waiting for him here. Delia. Yis, mum. [Enters telephone booth, closing door behind her. Enter Chesterton, looking about. Mrs. Tompkins. [Softly, leaning over balustrade.] Here I am, Chesterton. Is it SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 07 Chesterton. [Mounting stairs with card tray.] Yes, madam. [Extends tray. Mrs. Tompkins. [Taking card, looks at it, sighing softly, smiles and passes card to Mrs. Sturtevant. ] Ah ! Mrs. Sturtevant. [Studying card.] Count De la Nochie Mrs. Tompkins. [With glib complacency.] Nochebuena. Count De la Nochebuena. [Sighs. Mrs. Sturtevant looks greatly impressed.] Show him in, Chester- ton ; and ask him to excuse me for a moment. And make him comfortable — very comfortable, Ches- terton. Chesterton. [Trying to hide a smile.] Very good, madam. [Exit. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Her eyes fixed upon Card as if hypnotised.] My dear, what a find! You must share him with me. Mrs. Tompkins. [Firmly.] No, Angelica, he's mine. There's to be no filipeen about him. Come, help me to make myself pretty and you shall have a look at him. [Exeunt into Mrs. Tompkins' chamber. Enter immediately Chesterton followed by the Count, a tall, rather handsome man of about forty years, who should be at 108 SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV once recognized as a Spaniard by his make-up, manners, and speech. Chesterton. [With ceremony; yet looking about furtively.] My lady requested that you pardon a moment's delay, sir. Count. [Taking hasty survey of room, as he advances.} Muy bien ! [Chesterton, looking towards landing, holds up a warning finger to the Count, listens, then takes a hurried look into hall, behind curtains and draperies; the Count watching his movements attentively. Chesterton. [Returning to the Count, in a low voice.] We are alone. Count. Muy bien ! Chesterton. She is preparing to receive you, sir. Count. You theenk she look upon me weeth favor, Chester-tone ? Chesterton. You have made an excellent impression, sir. Count. Muy bien! And Meester Tompkins? I theenk he is dead, no que si ? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 109 Chesterton. I believe so, sir. In the short time I have been here I have heard such remarks as " Poor Mr. Tompkins." " He is gone." " If he would only come back." Count. Caramba! Thaay are — what you call it? Spiritualists ? Chesterton. I have not yet learned the details, sir. I will endeavor to do so, sir. Count. Waell, it matter not. I will take his place, spirit nor no spirit. [Laughs.] Bien, I must pay my good respects to the dear, departed Mr. Tompkins weeth a few flowers, eh, Chestertone? That will be a winning card, no que si? Chesterton. [Laughs.] Very ingenious, sir. Count. And you must help me, Chestertone. Tell her all about my good points. [Laughs. Chesterton. You know, sir, I have imagination, and a faculty for invention. Count. Si — you should be a diplomat. 110 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Chesterton. Thank you, sir. Count. [Examining room critically.] Thees look prim- oroso, — vaery guud. Rather bad taste, — pero mucho money, eh? [Turning quickly to Chester- ton.] She has much money, you theenk, Chester- tone — eh ? Chesterton. A great deal, sir, I should say, judging from the house. Count. Muy bien! Si. I theenk I weell laike eet. [Appears pleased and begins strutting up and down room with an air of possession. Picks up cigarette case left on table by Mrs. Tompkins.] Ah, vaery naice. You weell be mine some day, no que si? [Laughs as he puts it down.] Si, Chester-tone, thees weell be better than the roulette tables at Monte Carlo. Chesterton. Better for you, sir ; — but what about me, sir ? Count. [Lightly.] Woat ees guud for the master ees guud for the man, no que si, si que no ? Chesterton. You mean, sir? Count. [Magnanimously.] That you weell always haeve a good position here weeth me. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW III Chesterton. And nothing more ? Count. [Indignantly.] Noething more? Woat you want ? Chesterton. My share of the spoils, sir. Count. Woat you mean? [Angrily.] You do not marry her. Chesterton. No, sir. Quite true, sir. But I may be able to make it possible for you to do so, sir. And if so, I expect my pay. Count. [Condescendingly.] Muy bien. Wen I get Mrs. Tompkins' dot I see wot I do for you. Chesterton. I know your promises too well, sir. You will give me a written guarantee of one thousand pounds or I will tell her all. Count. Woat you tell her ? Chesterton. The truth. Count. I weell kill you. 112 SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV Chesterton. Oh, no, you won't, sir. Count. She weell not believe you. Chesterton. I've been with you long enough to have pretty good proofs. Count. [Coaxingly.] Ah, Chesterton, you would not treat your master like that. Chesterton. Not unless you force me to. But business is business, and this is purely a matter of business. Give me the guarantee. Count. I geeve you my word. Chesterton. I have had experience with your word before, sir. This whole thing is not to my taste, sir. It's dirty work. Count. Ssh ! Say not so, — pleese ! Chesterton. Mrs. Tompkins is a silly woman, and if she wants to sell herself for a title, it's not my affair. But she's a good woman. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 113 Count. [Shrugging his shoulders. ] Pero, she get woat she want,- — the title. I get woat I want, mucho money. The money go, the title remain. She get the bargain, no que si ? Chesterton. You'd better be quick, sir. She may come. — A written guarantee, — or I tell all. Count. To-morrow at my hotel Chesterton. [Firmly.] Here — now. [Going to desk.] Here are pen, ink, paper. [Laying them out. Count. [Following reluctantly.] I like them not. [Fin- gering paper and pen.] They are dangerous. Chesterton. You need have no fear — unless you break your word. Count. [Sitting dozvn reluctantly.] If you betray me I kill you. Chesterton. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. [Putting pen into his hand.] The pen, sir. Count. [Sullenly.] Woat I write? 114 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Chesterton. As I tell you. " I, Adolfo De la Nochebuena, promise to pay my former valet, Henry Chesterton, the sum of one thousand pounds " — another cipher, sir; one thousand; not one hundred. That's right, sir. Thank you, sir, — " for services rendered in the event of marriage " Count. How you spell " marriage " ? Chesterton. [Smiling grimly.] M-a-r-r-i-a-g-e. Quite cor- rect, sir. [Continuing.] — "in the event of my marriage to Mrs. Viola Tompkins." Signed : Now sign your name, if you please, sir. Thank you, sir. Count. [Handing paper to Chesterton, who blots it, folds it carefully, and puts it in his pocket.] I can trust you, Chesterton? Chesterton. As I trust you, sir. Count. Chesterton, you are a scoundrel. Chesterton. Thank you, sir. [Bows.] I bow to my master, a greater one. Count. [Laughs.] Well, shake. [They shake hands.] It is a bargain. [Door of telephone closet opens and Delia appears. She stops short at sight of the SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 115 two men.] You help me, — I help you; and wen I marry the estrella de mi corazon, — the star of my heart [Turning jauntily towards staircase with a wave of the hand, catches sight of Delia.] Santissima Virgen! Quien es? Chesterton. [Starting at sight of Delia.] What are you do- ing there? Delia. [Coolly.] Looking at a jackass. Chesterton. [To Count.] Es una servienta — una tonta. Count. Ha oido todo? Chesterton. [To Delia.] You may go. [To Count.] Es- pero que no. Delia. [Indignantly.] Ag an davail aged; droh ahad ord. [Gaelic dialect meaning "Go to the devil, and bad luck to you." Pronounced " Ag an djhoul yat; droch a-hort." Exit. Count. What language was that? Chesterton. It sounded like Chinese, but — [seriously] I'm sure she's not that, sir. I'll Il6 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW [Door of Mrs. Tompkins' room opens and Mrs. Tompkins, looking very fresh and fit, appears, smiling expectantly. Mrs. Tompkins. [Descending stairs eagerly.] Oh, my dear Count, I am so sorry to have kept you waiting. Count. [Rushing to meet her.] Ay, senora! My heart beat once more weeth mucho happiness. [Kisses her hands ardently. Mrs. Tompkins. I hope Chesterton made you comfortable while you were waiting? Count. [With an indignant look at Chesterton, who turns to hide a smile.] Vaery — comfortable. Mrs. Tompkins. [To Chesterton, smiling naively.] We'll have tea, Chesterton. Chesterton. Thank you, madam. [Bows and exits. Count. Ay, bewtiful senora, my heart has been — woat you say? — geeving me one great push to you. It ees years since we haeve say au revoir at the steamer. Mrs. Tompkins. [With a sentimental sigh.] Ah, yes, an hour is sometimes an eternity. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 17 Count. [Earnestly.] Senora, it is live everlasting. [Awkward pause.] I — er — I — [picking up ciga- rette case] I was hust admiring thees wen you come in. It is very nice, yes? Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, a mere trifle I picked up in Europe. One of those things you don't know what to do with when you get home. Count. Ah, senora, I would know woat to do weeth it. That I might carry it — because it is of you! Si, si, si ! Mrs. Tompkins. [Pleased.] Oh, would you like to? ■ Count. I would carry it here, — near mi corazon, — next my heart. Mrs. Tompkins. [Shaking finger at him coquettishly.] Tobacco heart. Count. Ah, senora, eet ees not that kind. [Puts case in his pocket.] I thank you. [Taking her hands tenderly.] Ay, senora, mi vida, mi alma, my life, my soul ! my heart seeng once more like a bird. [Starts to take her in his arms.] It sing always " Viola, Viola," oh, estrella de mi corazon, luna de mi alma, luz de mis ojos ! Star of my heart, light of my eyes ! Il8 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. [Starts away frightened, looking towards land- ing.] Oh, please, er — you see — we aren't alone. Count. [With a movement of annoyance.] Caramba! Mrs. Tompkins. You see, a friend came in before I could get my things off Count. Ah, wy did I come? Mrs. Tompkins. But she'll soon be going. Count. [Joyfully.] Then wee can be alone. [Mrs. Sturtevant appears at door of Mrs. Tompkins' room and coughs to announce her approach. Mrs. Tompkins. Ah, here is Mrs. Sturtevant now. [Goes to meet her and leads her to the Count.] Count, I want you to meet my dear friend, Mrs. Sturtevant. An- gelica, Count De la Nochebuena. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Inclining her body with dignified rigidity.] Count De la Nochebuena. Count. [Clicking his heels together in true Spanish fashion and making a profound bow, kissing Mrs. Sturtevant' s hands.] Enchanter, senora. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 19 Mrs. Sturtevant. [Seating herself on the divan with great dignity, looking at Count with impressive air.] How do you like America, Count ? [Mrs. Tompkins sits beside table near center of room. Count brings chair from up stage and places it between the two women, but nearer Mrs. Tompkins. Count. [Looking at Mrs. Tompkins ardently.] Woat I now see of America I like very much. [Sighs.] It is bewtiful. Mrs. Tompkins. [Laughs nervously.] He hasn't seen the East Side yet, Angelica. I must show it to you, Count. Count. [Drawing his chair a little nearer Mrs. Tomp- kins.] Then it will be bewtiful also, no que si? Mrs. Sturtevant. [Endeavoring to attract attention.] This is your first visit to America, Count? Count. [Turning to her for an instant, then again de- voting his attention to Mrs. Tompkins, who shows confusion.] Si, si, sefiora. Mrs. Sturtevant. But I hope not the last. [Flattering smile quite lost on the Count. 120 SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV Count. [With a soulful look at Mrs. Tompkins.] That depends. It is for another to decide. [Moves chair nearer Mrs. Tompkins. Mrs. Tompkins. [Embarrassed.] Oh — er — yes — Angelica. You see the Count has been sent here by the King Mrs. Sturtevant. [Much impressed.] The King! [Chesterton enters, wheeling a tea-wagon prepared for afternoon tea, whiskey and soda on lower shelf. He coughs apolo- getically. Mrs. Tompkins. [With relief.] Oh, how nice! Tea! I should have fainted if you hadn't come, Chesterton. Chesterton. I'm very glad I came at so opportune a moment, madam. Mrs. Tompkins. Very opportune. Right here, Chesterton. [In- dicating place in front of her.] Count, do tell Mrs. Sturtevant about your work. [Chesterton pauses in surprise, casts a glance of amused inquiry. The Count, for a moment, looks discomfited. Mrs. Sturtevant. It would, indeed, be most interesting — [with flattering smile] from so distinguished a visitor. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 121 [Chesterton watches Count; Mrs. Tomp- kins is busy with tea things. Count. [Rising, clicking his heels together and bowing.] You honor me, senora; pero — I would prefer to hear you talk. [Bowing. Turning to Mrs. Tomp- kins, solicitously.] May I assist you, senora? Mrs. Tompkins. [To Mrs. Sturtevant.] He is so modest, An- gelica ! [Chesterton coughs and hides a smile; Count regards him indignantly. Mrs. Sturtevant. Great men always are. [Impressive look at Count. Chesterton chokes on a smothered laugh. Count. [Indignant look at Chesterton. To Mrs. Sturtevant, bowing profoundly.] You honor me, madam. [To Chesterton, commandingly.] Ches- terton, you may go. Chesterton. [Bowing.] I receive my orders from madam, sir. Mrs. Tompkins. [Looking at Count.] Oh, yes. The Count's wishes are my wishes. [Smiling at Chesterton.] I will call you when I need you, Chesterton. 122 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Chesterton. [Bowing.'] Yes, madam; thank you, madam. [With a look of amusement at Count; exit. Count. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] I will assist you, sefiora. Do not burn thoze little fingers. [Looking tenderly at Mrs. Tompkins.] Like lilies. Mrs. Sturtevant. [With movement of determination to gain the attention of the Count.] Count, I'm sure I've met you before. Count. [Starts guiltily.] Met me, sefiora? Ah, no. I theenk no. [Mrs. Tompkins looks up from tea table in surprise. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Making the most of her point.] Haven't I? Count. [Hastily.] No, no, sefiora. You are quite mis- taken. Mrs. Sturtevant. Wasn't it — er — at the home of our ambassador in London? [Mrs. Tompkins shows greater surprise. Count. [With sigh of relief, shows Mrs. Sturtevant has at last made an impression.] In Londres? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 23 The ambassador? [Turns to her with interest.] I do not remember, sefiora, no. Mrs. Tompkins. [Pausing in her preparation of tea, suspiciously.] When were you at the ambassador's house, An- gelica ? Mrs. Sturtevant. [Ignoring Mrs. Tompkins and making the most of her opportunity.] Or was it at the Spanish court, when I was presented? [Mrs. Tompkins gasps. Count. [Leaving Mrs. Tompkins and going to Mrs. Sturtevant. ] Ah ! You was presented. [Moves chair nearer Mrs. Sturtevant. Mrs. Tompkins. [Coldly suspicious.] Angelica, I never knew you were presented at court. Mrs. Sturtevant, [Sweetly.] There are many things about me which you didn't know, my love. Mrs. Tompkins. Urn. Mrs. Sturtevant. [To Count.] It is not polite to tell the less for- tunate of our social successes, Count. You under- stand ? 124 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Count. [Now all attention to Mrs. Sturtevant, who beams encouragingly upon him.]. Perfecamente, senora. Si, si, si ! [Moves chair nearer Mrs. Sturtevant. Mrs. Tompkins. [Coldly, holding up lemon fork.] You take lemon, as usual, Angelica? [Mrs. Sturtevant bows patronizingly-; Mrs. Tompkins puts in three slices.) And I remember you require a great deal of sugar. [Puts in several lumps.] Count. [Extends cup. Count. [All attention to Mrs. Sturtevant.] Si, si, senora, surely we haeve met. Mrs. Tompkins. [With cup.] Count! Mrs. Sturtevant. I could never forget you. Count. [Bozving profoundly.] Thank you, senora. Mrs. Tompkins. [Sharply]. Count! Count. [ Turning. ] Ah, senora, lo siento ! Pardon ! [To Mrs. Sturtevant.] Your tea, senora. [Mrs. Sturtevant bows. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 125 Mrs. Sturtevant. [To Count, who passes her the tea.] It is very cool in here, is it not ? Count. [Hastening to window.] Permit me, sefiora. [Closes window. Mrs. Tompkins. [Coldly.] Yes, I've noticed the change. [To Count, sweetly, preparing tea.] I know how you'll have yours, Count. [Smiling archly.] Ah, those happy days on shipboard. Mrs. Sturtevant. [ Witheringly. ] You told me you had a wretched crossing. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, dear, no. [Coyly to Count.] We didn't, did we, Count? It was the poetry of motion, wasn't it, Count, — and e-motion, as well. Ah-hum. Cake, Count? Count. Thank you, sefiora. Gracias ! [Takes plate and passes to Mrs. Sturtevant. Mrs. Sturtevant. You were telling — or about to tell of your work, Count. Count. I fear I may bore you, sefiora, si que no? No que si ? 126 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. Quite impossible. Mrs. Sturtevant. Quite, I assure you. Count. [Bowing.] Thank you, senora. [Drawing him- self with an effort, and taking his chair nearer Mrs. Sturtevant.] Well, it is so. My — er — purpose in visiting America is to — er — study the social con- ditions. My King theenks we haeve the wrong idea in Europe about the American — er — standards, und he has sent me here for the purpose of investi- gating the truth, or the lie. For example, your newspapers tell us divorce is an American disease. [Looks questioningly from Mrs. Sturtevant to Mrs. Tompkins.] Now, that is not so, is it? Mrs. Tompkins. [Making choking noise in her teacup, falteringly.] N-no, no, of course not. Is it, Angelica ? [Looks appealingly at Mrs. Sturtevant. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Maliciously.] Not among the better class. [To Count] I assure you. Count. Not among your class, I am sure. Then, another theeng, we are told your women are dishonest Mrs. Sturtevant, Dishonest ! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 27 Mrs. Tompkins. Dishonest ! Count. That they lie Mrs. Sturtevant.: Lie! Mrs. Tompkins. Lie! Count. That they steal Steal ! Steal ! Mrs. Tompkins. Mrs. Sturtevant. Count. [Happily.} Ah! I see it is not so. For ex- ample, they say: watch an American woman pass through the custom house. [Mrs. Tompkins starts up with a frightened look.] She will declare noth- ing, and, upon the investigation, she will haeve everytheeng. [Mrs. Tompkins becomes deeply en- grossed in the tea things.] That is dishonest. [Mrs. Tompkins shows uneasiness.] That is lying. [Mrs. Tompkins' agitation increases.] That is stealing. [Mrs. Tompkins wipes her brow.] Steal- ing from her own country! [Mrs. Tompkins be- gins fanning herself violently, Mrs. Sturtevant watching her agitation wiih malicious delight.] Such a woman should be put in prison! [Mrs. 128 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Tompkins rises and looks about distractedly as if seeking escape.] She should be the shame of her countrywomen. [Mrs. Tompkins goes to the win- dow and throws it open for air.] Now, there is Mrs. Tompkins. [Mrs. Tompkins starts back with a cry. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh! Count. I watched her at the customs Mrs. Tompkins. [Staggering to a chair which she grasps for sup- port] O-oh! Mrs. Sturtevant. [Showing enjoyment of Mrs. Tompkins' dis- comfiture. ] What is the matter, dear ? Mrs. Tompkins. [Trying to cover her confusion.] Oh, nothing — nothing. Just a touch of — of sciatica. Mrs. Sturtevant. Your age is beginning to tell, my dear. Count. I watched Mrs. Tompkins at the customs, senora ; si, si. [Mrs. Tompkins extends her hands plead- ingly towards Count, which he does not notice.] She did not lie. [Expression of relief on face of Mrs. Tompkins.] She did not smuggle. [Mrs. Tompkins steals a half guilty look at Mrs. Sturte- SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 129 vant, who looks disappointed.} She declared everything she bring in. [Mrs. Tompkins laughs half hysterically.} There is one honest woman, no que si ! [Mrs. Sturtevant turns towards Mrs. Tompkins. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Looking at Mrs. Tompkins with her lor- gnettes. ] Where ? Mrs. Tompkins. [Holding her head erect and taking one or two steps forward proudly.] Here, my love. [Assumes heroic attitude. Count. Si. Another theeng I hope to prove is that the American life is equal to ours. We are told there is no unity in the family ; — that the husband go one way, the wife another way; — that they are nevair together, and when they are, they fight, fight, fight. That is not always so, I know. No que si ! Mrs. Tompkins has told me of her married life. I know it was bewtiful [Mrs. Sturtevant looks askance at Mrs. Tompkins], like one lovely song. She nevair quarrel weeth her dear husband, si que no ! Mrs. Sturtevant. [ Gasping. ] Oh ! [Mrs. Tompkins makes a motion as if to silence her. Count. Woat a great sorrow that he did die. 130 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Sturtevant. [Catching her breath.] What! Die! Tomp- kins ! Mrs. Tompkins. [Shaking her head warningly at Mrs. Sturte- vant and putting her fingers on her lips, buries her face in her handkerchief, yet keeping a watchful eye on Mrs. Sturtevant.] Now, Angelica, don't, please — break my heart by talking of my grief. Poor, dear Mr. Tompkins. Count. [Penitently, going to Mrs. Tompkins.] Ay, senora ! Forgeeve me ! I forget. It was because your married life was so bewtiful. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Sternly.] Viola! Mrs. Tompkins. There, there, Angelica, dearest. I won't cry any more. [To Count.] Time will help me to be brave, Count, dear. Count. [Tenderly.] And you will permit me to work weeth time. Mrs. Tompkins. [Dropping her eyes in confusion.] Oh, Count. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Sternly.] Viola, this is SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 131 Mrs. Tompkins. [Quickly.] Oh, Count, you should observe Mrs. Sturtevant in her home life. It is too sweet for words. I'm sure it would be an object lesson to any one. Count. [ To Mrs. Sturtevant. ] Ah, that I might haeve the prreevilege ! Mrs. Sturtevant. [Flattered, yet eyeing Mrs. Tompkins with dis- approval.] It would make Mr. Sturtevant and my- self most happy to receive you into our home, I'm sure. Count. [Rises, clicks his heels together, and bows pro- foundly.] You honor me, senora. Mrs. Tompkins. Yes, Count, you really must meet Mr. Sturte- vant. You know he's the King of Wall Street. [Door-bell rings. Chesterton passes through hall up stage. Count. [Showing interest.] The King of Wall Street. Ah, I vould be honored, senora. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Apologetically.] You will find him a little crude. You must excuse his rough exterior. [Count lifts his hand in expostulation.] Our American men take so little time for polish. 132 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Count. [Impressively.] Ay, senora, but the ladies are so vaery mucho polish it weell do for the men also, no que si ? Si, si ! [Smiling in self-satisfaction, holds up a warning finger. Mrs. Sturtevant. Flatterer ! [Chesterton enters, followed by Sturte- vant. Coughs. Chesterton. Mr. Sturtevant. [Steps aside. Sturtevant enters. Ches- terton exits. Mrs. Tompkins. [Going to meet Sturtevant, shaking hands effusively.] Well, here's T. Gordon. How do you do ? I'm so glad to see you. Sturtevant. [Heartily.] " Well, well, Viola, how goes it? Handsome as ever, I declare. That's a stunning blush of youth you're wearing. Where'd you find it ? Rue de la Paix, or Avenue de l'Opera ? Mrs. Tompkins. [Confused.] Stop. Now, Gordon Oh, you will have your little jokes, of course. Sturtevant. And you women must have your little vanities, — and we men must pay for them. So there you are. By the way, I saw Tompkins last night SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 33 Mrs. Tompkins. [Hurriedly.] Oh, T. Gordon, I want you to meet my dear friend, Count De la Nochebuena. [The Count rises. Mr. Sturtevant re- gards him keenly. Sturtevant. [Extending hand.] Glad to know you, Count della Notchie Bonie. [Inarticulate mumbling of last syllable of name. Count. [Clicking heels together and bowing.] Sir, you honor me. I haeve heard of you, sir — the King of Wall Street. Sturtevant. [Drawing up chair to join circle.] Ah, Gellie. [To Mrs. Sturtevant, sitting down with great dignity.] King! Do you hear that? Where's my crown ? [Laughs. Count resumes seat beside Mrs. Sturtevant. Mrs. Tompkins at tea table. Mrs. Sturtevant. Oh, Gordon, the Count has just come over to America; — has been sent by the King, Gordon — to study our social conditions Sturtevant. [Studying the Count closely.] Well, he'll find a jolly mess. 134 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. And our standards of life. Sturtevant. Humph ! We haven't got any. Count. [Throwing up hands in gesture of expostulation.] Ay, sefior, eso no es imposible ! It is no possible, si que no. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, now, T. Gordon, don't prejudice him against us. Count. [Laughing.] Ah, sefiora, I recognize that as American humor. I haeve heard it is very subtle — no que si? [Laughs. Sturtevant. [Dryly.] Um — joke's on us, though. [Count and Mrs. Sturtevant engage in % omimic conversation. Mrs. Tompkins. [To Sturtevant.] Tea, Gordon? [Starts to pour. Sturtevant. [In disgust.] Tea! No! Mrs. Tompkins. [Holding up whiskey decanter.] Just a little cold tea? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 35 Sturtevant. [Laughing.] Well, — poured by your lovely hands — yes. [Mrs. Tompkins occupied with busi- ness of mixing whiskey and soda.] Have a good crossing, Viola? Mrs. Tompkins. [Looking at Count.] Oh, perfectly delightful. [Mrs. Sturtevant pauses in her conversa- tion to throw Mrs. Tompkins a look of disapproval. Mrs. Sturtevant. [ Coughing. ] Ahem ! Mrs. Tompkins. [Passing glass to Sturtevant.] Charming peo- ple aboard. [Another glance at Count. Sturtevant. [Taking glass.] Thanks. Get held up at the customs? [Drinks. Mrs. Tompkins. [Hurriedly.] No — oh, no. Have a sandwich. [Passes plate nervously. Sturtevant. [Taking sandwich.] Thanks. You must be one of those rare creatures — an honest woman — like my wife. Count. [Eagerly.] Si, si, that I know. Si. 136 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Sturtevant. Nobody gets by the customs -these days. If they do manage to slip through they're soon nabbed. Mrs. Tompkins. [Nervously.] Have a sandwich, — have some cake. Oh, do! Sturtevant. [Putting down glass.] No, thanks. Those fel- lows at the Custom House are human ferrets — can scent foreign stuff from here to Quarantine. [Mrs. Sturtevant shows malicious enjoy- ment of this scene while listening to Count. Mrs. Tompkins. [Fanning herself.] Very unseasonable weather, isn't it? — for this time of year? Sturtevant. Little cool, but we'll get it hotter. Mrs. Tompkins. Cool. [Fans herself vigorously. Mrs. Sturtevant. Oh, Gordon, the Count tells me he is much in- terested in the stock market. Sturtevant. [Turning toward Count.] Oh, is that so? Count. [Eagerly.] Si. In the interests of my King, I would like to study your methods SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 37 Sturtevant. [Dryly.] Urn. I don't know that they can bear inspection. Count. We would like a market like yours in Madrid. Sturtevant. Only way to understand the game is to play a hand at it ; — get right into it, fist and heel. Count. I would like to learn the game, very mucho. Mrs. Sturtevant. It would, I assure you, be most gratifying to my husband to explain to you the delicate intricacies of this American institution. Sturtevant. [Turning to Mrs. Tompkins with a laugh.] Delicate ? Ye bulls and bears ! Count. But one need mucho money; — and — I have brought — a very small letter-of-credit. Sturtevant. [Eyeing him keenly.] Urn — well — er — you see — that's the game. Money. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Using lorgnettes.] Gordon, my dear, you will not, of course, mention so vulgar — so material a subject to a representative of the King of Spain. 138 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Sturtevant. Ahem! Well — er — you see Count. You are too generous, sir. [Sturtevant turns to Mrs. Tompkins in surprise. She is a little taken aback at the turn things have taken. Mrs. Sturtevant. My dear Count, the word generosity is super- fluous, wholly superfluous from the lips of a repre- sentative of the King. [To Sturtevant.] Isn't it, my dear? Sturtevant. Um, well — er — I think, Count, we had better talk this over with your Spanish consul here. [Count looks startled.] Let's see, what's his name? Count. [Stammering in confusion.] Consul? Wy — I — er — cannot remember. Sturtevant. [Turning sharply on him.] Eh? Count. You see there are so many people I must consult, I forget. I haeve the names in my trunks Mrs. Sturtevant. Of course, you meet so many important people it must be, indeed, very difficult to remember. By the way, won't you dine with us this evening? It SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 39 would be so nice on this your first day in America. I won't take " no " for an answer. [Sturtevant shows no enthusiasm. Mrs. Tompkins' face falls, showing chagrin and anger. Mrs. Tompkins. [Remonstrating.] But, Count Count. You honor me, senora ! Para servir a Usted. Weeth pleasure. [Kisses her hands. Sturtevant shows re- sentment. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Rising.] Then it's all settled. We dine at eight o'clock. [To Mrs. Tompkins, with con- descension.] And won't you come too, Viola? It would be so nice for you to show the Count the way. Mrs. Tompkins. [In cold disapproval] I don't think I feel equal to it. Mrs. Sturtevant. Oh, of course, dear, you've had a very trying day with the ordeals of the customs; — after such a rough crossing, too. Sturtevant. Viola, I refuse to eat a mouthful unless you are there. Besides, you might miss Tompkins, 140 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, thank you, I'll come. Yes, I'll come. Sturtevant. Good. I'd hate to go to bed hungry. Mrs. Sturtevant. Now, really, I must be going. [All prepare to go. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, Count, you won't have to go now ? Count. I fear I must, senora. To prepare for thees evening. Mrs. Sturtevant. Then you will let us set you down at your hotel. Count. [Looking at Mrs. Tompkins in hesitation.] You are too kind, senora. Mrs. Sturtevant. Impossible, to a representative of the King. [The Count bows profoundly.} It will be a pleasure, won't it, dear? [To Sturtevant. Sturtevant. [Showing no enthusiasm.] Oh, er — yes, yes, in- deed, a pleasure. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Looking about/] Where did I leave my wrap? Oh, in the hall. [Starts up stage. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 141 Count. [Following her.] Permit me, sefiora. [Exeunt into hall. Sturtevant. [Down stage with Mrs. Tompkins.] Corners of your mouth are down, Viola. Not sorry you threw Tompkins over Mrs. Tompkins. [Looking anxiously towards hall] Ssh ! Don't — please. Sturtevant. [Laughing.] Oh, I see. [Seriously.] Look here, Viola, what are you doing with this fellow ? Mrs. Tompkins. I won't hurt him. Sturtevant. The question is, won't he hurt you ? How do you know he's the real thing? Mrs. Tompkins. With that name? And look at him! Sturtevant. Yes, I know lots of them are something to look at, but they're stuffed with sawdust. I'll find out. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Coming down stage with Count.] Some time when we are alone Vamos a hablar Espanol, no que si ? 142 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Count. [In ecstasy.] Ay, senora, la langua de mi patria ! You speak Spanish ! Why did you not tell me before ? Mrs. Sturtevant. It isn't polite to speak in a language unknown to your hostess. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] Such a pity that you don't speak Spanish, Viola. Sturtevant. Never mind, Viola, you and I can talk Vermont, b-gosh, can't we? [Mrs. Tompkins is speechless with chagrin and disappointment. Count. [To Mrs. Sturtevant.] Esto me causa mucho placer ! Woat a joy to talk my Espanol weeth you, senora ! Mrs. Tompkins. [To Sturtevant.] I'll learn Spanish to-mor- row. Mrs. Sturtevant. Si, vamos a platicar juntos. [To Mrs. Tomp- kins.] I beg your pardon, Viola. [To Sturte- vant.] Come, dear. [Taking Mrs. Tompkins' reluctant hand.] Good-bye, dear. At eight o'clock. Mrs. Tompkins. [To Count.] My motor will call for you at seven-thirty. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 143 Count. [Taking her hand, and looking deeply into her eyes.] You are very kind. Mrs. Sturtevant. Come, Count. [Over her shoulder as she goes towards door.] Such a delightful afternoon, Viola. Count. [Following her.] Si, si, mucho gusto. Sturtevant. See you later, Viola. [Exeunt. Mrs. Tompkins stands a moment looking tozvards hall in anger, takes a turn or two about room as if trying to control herself, presses bell, then goes to desk upon which are the roses sent her by Mrs. Sturtevant. Mrs. Tompkins. [Giving flowers a vicious poke.] Cat ! Chesterton. [Entering from butler's pantry.] You rang, madam. Mrs. Tompkins. Chesterton, telephone the Berlitz School to send me a Spanish professor — no, two Spanish profess- ors at once; order me a Spanish newspaper, — and then go right out and get me a Spanish poodle. Chesterton. [Gasping.] Yes, madam. Thank you, madam. Will that be all? 144 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. All for the present. Oh, I'll have Spanish omelette for lunch. [Chesterton bows and exits. Mrs. Tomp- kins looks triumphant. CURTAIN ACT III SCENE. — The same as in Acts I and II. The time, 7 p. m. following day. The curtain rises upon a brilliantly lighted stage which for a moment is empty. Then, as in opening of Act I, Tompkins, looking some- what seedy, and with a soft hat pulled low over his face, enters stealthily. He carries a box similar to that carried in Act I. His movements are slow and cautious. There are occasional noises off stage to represent the slamming of doors or voices in adjoining rooms which cause Tompkins to start, and, for the instant, seek a hiding place. Tompkins casts frequent glances in the direction of Mrs. Tompkins' room. The business should be made ludicrous. Tompkins finally opens his box and takes out a bunch of red roses similar to those used in Act I. He moves tozvards the stairs as if about to go to Mrs. Tompkins' room, hears a noise, starts back, and looks about for a place to put the roses, catches sight of the American Beauty roses on the desk, snatches them jealously out of the vase, places his own therein, and is picking up the American Beauties when he hears approaching voices off stage. He looks about wildly, then pushing the flowers into the box, rushes, stumbling, up- stairs, and is just disappearing from landing at 145 I46 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW l. when Mrs. Tompkins pushes her door open. He makes a sudden bolt, closing the door quickly but noiselessly after him. Mrs. Tompkins. . [Off stage.] Ven — come — venga along. [Ap- pearing on landing, makes lip sound of coaxing a dog.] Venga along, Don Quixote. Nie 'ittle Don Quixote. Did he like his name? Come, venga vous. We must talk Spanish together, eh? [She descends stairs, a book in one hand, leading by the other a King Charles spaniel attached to a leash. As she proceeds she studies aloud, and with great absorption, the book she holds — a " Spanish at a Glance" text-book. Her pronunciation is ludi- crously atrocious. She makes very hard work of it, each effort being accompanied with queer facial expressions and contortions. Reading.] I have; you have ; he has. We have ; you have ; they have. Now — Yo tengo; you — tu — tew tiens; el tiene — tienie? — tien, — I dunno. Noso — nosotros ten — tene- mos. Nosotros tenemos. [Referring frequently to dog.] Eh? Well, rather. Nosotros tenemos a nice we have 'ittle doggie. [Turning to book.] Vosotros teneis. You have. [To dog.] You have a nice 'ittle mistress. Eh ? No que si ? Course you have. Ellos tienen. They have. There we know that. What are you, Donnie? [Searching in book.] What's dog? Ah, — perro. Don Quixote Perro. Si. My perro. Yo tengo a perro. Sounds like a new dance. Mi perro es lindo. Um, pretty perro, — tres lindo, n'est ce pas — si que no? [Laughing and hugging dog.] You comprehendo me, don't you? Of course. Oh, isn't this fun, Don Quixote? We can SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 47 talk Spanish, can't we ? Si ! Well, I guess. Now listen. [Holds up finger to dog.] Buenos dias. Good day, Senor Don Quixote. [Making curtsey to dog.] Como esta? Vous? Won't you sit down? [Searching book.] Sit down? sit down? sit down? [Turning pages rapidly; to dog.] I hope you don't mind standing. — Ah, here it is ! Sientese Usted — who's Usted? Sientese vous le ruego. Sientese, — O, s'il vous plait. Buenos day, isn't it, si que no? Si, mucho tres buenos. Como esta ? Muy bien. Tiene Usted — there's that Usted again. Tiene Vosotros hambre ? Are you hungry ? Si. Coma Usted un poco mas? That means have another piece. Don't mention it. Que quiere Usted beber? What do you like to drink? Un vaso de vine ? Oh, perro will get wuzzy. Ho hum, this is mucho difficile, no que si ; si que no ? Si. [Chesterton is passing through hall.] Oh, Chesterton ? Chesterton. [u. c] Yes, madam? Mrs. Tompkins. [Extending leash.] Here! Put Don Quixote in the perro-house — [with superior condescension] in the dog house. Chesterton. % Thank you, madam. [Takes leash and leads dog off stage. Mrs. Tompkins. Then come back, Chesterton. I want to talk to you about dinner. 148 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Chesterton. Very good, madam. [Exit. Mrs. Tompkins. [Turning attention to her book.] Ah! [Goes to desk, sits down, takes up pencil and paper, and with perplexed brows hunts words in book and writes.] Nosotros hablaremos juntos Espanol. [Folds paper and tucks it in her gown.] There! [Chesterton enters and coughs to announce pres- ence. Mrs. Tompkins looks up.] Oh! Chesterton. The dog, Don Quixote, madam, is in his — re- ceptacle. I await your further orders. Mrs. Tompkins. Ah, yes, Chesterton. Now about dinner; is everything arranged? Chesterton. [Taking paper from pocket and handing to Mrs. Tompkins.] Covers for four. The Count on your right,— the guest of honor Mrs. Tompkins. [With ingratiating smile.] Quite so, Chesterton. Chesterton. [Bowing.] Thank you, madam. Mrs. Tompkins. The flowers? Chesterton. A heart-shaped centerpiece of red roses SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 149 Mrs. Tompkins. [Smiling dreamily.] Heart-shaped. [Suddenly. ] Oh, Chesterton, isn't that a little too — er — sug- gestive ? Chesterton. Oh, no, madam, — not to a Spaniard. They ex- pect it. They are a sentimental race, you know. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh ! Yes, I've noticed it. Chesterton. And I've taken the liberty of following a little Spanish custom that will touch the Count deeply. Mrs. Tompkins. What's that? Chesterton. I have added the greeting " Salve." Mrs. Tompkins. [Bewildered.] Salve? What's that? Chesterton. Meaning, as you know,- — I notice you speak Spanish, madam — meaning " Welcome " ; the words in forget-me-nots and pansies. Mrs. Tompkins. Salve! Why, of course. A very pretty idea, Chesterton, ISO SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Chesterton. It will mean much to the Count. And the ices, madam, represent the American and Spanish flags united by a lovers' knot. Mrs, Tompkins. [Remonstrating.] Now, really, Chesterton Chesterton. You see the Spaniards are so fond of sentiment, if you will pardon my saying Mrs. Tompkins. You are right, no doubt. Yes, Chesterton, you are a very intelligent man. Chesterton. Thank you, madam. Some people do not recog- nize my qualities as you do. [Taking card from pocket.] The menu, madam. Mrs. Tompkins. [With a wave of the hand.] I wouldn't insult you by questioning it, Chesterton. Chesterton. [Bowing profoundly.] I am quite overcome, madam. Mrs. Tompkins. Don't mention it. Chesterton. And the wines, madam? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 151 Mrs. Tompkins. That's important. CHESTERTON; I'm using red as the color scheme. A fine old claret ? Mrs. Tompkins. And Sparkling Burgundy Chesterton. Red Cap, madam!? N - - Mrs. Tompkins. Just the thing. Chesterton. Now for a liqueur, — Parfait Amour, if I may suggest. Mrs. Tompkins. [ With sigh. ] Parfait Amour ! Ah ! Chesterton, do you know what that means? Chesterton. [Matter-of-fact tone.] Oh, yes, madam — per- fect love. Mrs. Tompkins. Parfait Amour ! — Plenty of that, Chesterton. Chesterton. Very good, madam. 152 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. [Taking key from desk.] Here's the key to the wine closet. Chesterton. [Taking it.] Thank you, madam. [Starts to exit. Mrs. Tompkins. And, Chesterton. Very soft lights. Chesterton. Yes, madam. Mrs. Tompkins. And Spanish music on the Victrola. Chesterton. Quite so. Carmen. Something tender, madam? Mrs. Tompkins. Ah, Chesterton, I wonder how I ever kept house without you. Chesterton. If I may be permitted to say so, I hope you will never keep house without me — again. [Door-bell rings.] You will pardon me, madam? [Exits R. Mrs. Tompkins hurriedly takes up mirror from drawer in desk, uses rouge, lip-salve and brushes her face with powder, keeping one eye on the entrance all the time. Chesterton appears; coughs, u. c] Count Adolf o De la Nochebuena. [Exits u. L. Mrs. Tompkins. [Coming forward.] Ah, Count! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 53 Count. [Rushing tozvards her, and taking both hands in his.] Ay, senora, dearest lady, you weell pardone me! I could not stay away. [Kisses her hands ardently. Mrs. Tompkins. [Archly.] Has the day been so long? Count. It has been the misery eternal. And you, dear lady, — have you miss me one leetle bit? Mrs. Tompkins. Just one leetle bit, [Coyly. Count. Ay, luz de mis ojos, — light of my eye ! And what was that leetle bit? Mrs. Tompkins. [Atrocious pronunciation with childlike confi- dence and naivete.] Buenos day, Senor Count. Como star vous Usted? Star my bien? Compre- hendo Vous Usted me? Count. What language ! Caramba ! Que lingua es eso ! Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, don't mention vous Usted. No trouble. S'il vous plait, Senor Count. Sientese vous. Sitzen Sie. [Quickly covering mouth.] Dear me, how I do mix the languages. Pandonnez usted mio, please. 154 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Count. [Puzzled.] You will pardon me, madame, I am stooped, — I do not understand, — I Mrs. Tompkins. [Taking paper from her gown.] Why — [read- ing with unintelligible pronunciation] Nosotros hablaremos juntos Espanol ! Count. Please, madame, woat does it mean? Mrs. Tompkins. Why, don't you know your own language? It means : " We must speak Spanish together." Count. [With look of comprehension.] Nosotros hablaremos Espanol juntos. Mrs. Tompkins. What's that mean? Count. It is the same, madame : " We must speak Spanish together." Mrs. Tompkins. I should never know it. Count. [Leading Mrs. Tompkins to divan.] Come; — I will teach you. [Both sitting.] Muy bien, noso- tros hablaremos Espanol juntos. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 155 Mrs. Tompkins. That sounds like a very uncomfortable mouth- ful ; — in fact, a good square meal. Let's take it in spoonfuls. Count. [Laughing.] Si, — like the pills, — non? Now — nosotros Mrs. Tompkins. [Watching Count's lips, and trying to imitate.'] Nos-o-tros. Count. Muy bien ! Good. Hablaremos. Mrs. Tompkins. [Struggling. ] Ha-ha-hab-al — — Count. Hablaramos. Mrs. Tompkins.] Hab-lar-amos. Count. Si, si, si. Now, Espanol. Mrs. Tompkins. [Glibly, with toss of head.] Espanol. Now we're coming out into the open. Espanol. Count. Muy bien ! Primoroso ! Now, the last, — juntos. Mrs. Tompkins. Eh? 156 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Count. Juntos. Mrs. Tompkins. My book says jun-tos, j-u-n; jun-tos. Count. No, no, no. We haive no " zhay " in Espanol. They are all " hash." Mrs. Tompkins. [Laughing.] Your jays are hash? Well, some of ours ought to be! Count. [Attempting to understand, and laughing per- functorily.] Si, si, si. For you "hash" is easy, no que si? Mrs. Tompkins. We find it easy. Count. Then you say " juntos." Mrs. Tompkins. Ju-Hu-Hew [Laughing. Count. Ay, no, no, no. If bewtiful senora weell make her mouth like she weell say " o," and then weeth her lovely lips — like the rose — weell say " u," she weell get it correct, like this. U-u [Bending towards her. Mrs. Tompkins; [Trying to imitate.] Ooee — ooeeu. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 57 Count and Mrs. Tompkins. [Together.] U-u-u. [Their lips are so close together that the Count stoops as if to kiss Mrs. Tomp- kins. Mrs. Tompkins. [Drawing away.] I guess I'll leave this for a windy day. Teach me something awfully Spanish. Count. Ay, senora. I weell teach you the most bewtiful thing in our language. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, do! What is it? Count. Yo te amo. Mrs. Tompkins. [Matter-of-fact tone.] Yo ? Count. Te amo. Mrs. Tompkins. Yotamo? What's that? Count. [Ardently.] It ees woat my heart sing. It ees all the music— all the poetry, — all the beauty of our language; — those three leetle words. Mrs. Tompkins. Really? I must learn them, — Spanish in a nut- shell. What do they mean ? 158 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Count. They say "I love you." [Taking her hands.] Ay, senora, mi vida, mi alma, mi [Chester- ton enters with a large florist's box. On seeing the situation, he coughs. Mrs. Tompkins starts in embarrassment, while the Count glowers in anger at Chesterton. Under his breath.] Caramba! Mrs. Tompkins. [Starting up.] What is it, Chesterton? Chesterton. A box for you, madam. Mrs. Tompkins.; Where from? Chesterton. Budd's, the florist, madam. Mrs. Tompkins. That's for the dinner table. Take it away. Chesterton. I am very sorry to disturb you, but it says " De- liver immediately," and has a card. Mrs. Tompkins. A card? Count. [Stepping forward.] Ay, senora, si, si. Mrs. Tompkins. Ah, Count, I have you to thank? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 59 Count. 1 theenk so, — er — er — that is — I think I haeve the pleasure of being the geever, no? [With a formal bow.] A leetle token of Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, not before Chesterton, Count. [To Chester- ton.] Open it, Chesterton. [Chesterton takes box up stage, and proceeds to do her bidding.] It was so sweet of you, Count — the dear blossoms! [Putting her hand over her heart.] I will wear them here. [Chesterton holds up funeral floral piece in form of a wreath with the inscription "AT REST " in large letters. ] Here, near my heart [Chesterton holds the wreath gingerly. Count. [Hastily.] Ah, no, no — not there, madam, not there! You do not understand! Mrs. Tompkins. [Shaking her finger at the Count coquettishly.] Oh, now, — now ! They are mine, and I know where they belong! [Still looking at the Count.] Bring the sweet blossoms here, Chesterton. [Chester- ton assumes a tragic expression, and advances slowly on tiptoes, holding wreath at arm's length. Mrs. Tompkins staggers back, with a shriek of horror.] O-oh! — O-oh! [Hushed voice.] Who's dead? [Chesterton shakes his head. Count. [Sympathetically.] The good Mr. Tompkins. 160 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. [ With fright. ] Oh ! No ! When ! [Shows great pain. Count. [Surprised.] Wen? Isn't he dead? Mrs. Tompkins. [With expression of dawning comprehension.] O-oh ! — o-oh ! [Hysterical laugh.] Poor dear Mr. Tompkins ! [Quickly feigns sorrow, buries her face in her handkerchief, making a peculiar sound, as of weeping. Count. In memory of him who was so dear, I haeve take the liberty. [Waving hand towards wreath. Mrs. Tompkins. O-oh! O-oh! Count. You are not hurt, sefiora? Mrs. Tompkins. [From her handkerchief.] Oh — no — delighted. And I know Mr. Tompkins would appreciate it. Chesterton. [In hushed voice.] I am very sorry, madam — if I may be permitted to say Mrs. Tompkins. [Laughs hysterically.] Don't, Chesterton, — don't. [Looks from Chesterton to the Count, SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW l6l from the Count to Chesterton, starts to take the wreath, then draws back in fear.] Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! [Looks about distractedly. Chesterton. [To Count.] I fear, sir, the blow is too much for her. Mrs. Tompkins. [Seising the cue.] Ah, Count, you will pardon my sorrow. This is too — too much ! [Count makes gesture of sympathy.] Oh, dear! — Chester- ton. [Chesterton is holding the wreath reluc- tantly, as if its touch were repulsive.] Chesterton, put it down. [Chesterton looks about vaguely.] Put it down ! [Shaking her hands in the air.] Anywhere! Anywhere! [Chesterton puts it carefully on the table.] That will do. Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Chesterton. Y-es, madant [Waits.] Er — is there anything else I can do — in this hour of sadness ? Mrs. Tompkins. [Sorrowfully. ] No — no, Chesterton, thank you. Chesterton. Was it — er — sudden, madam, — if I may be per- mitted to ask? Mrs. Tompkins. [Looking up from her handkerchief.] Sudden? What? Oh, yes, — yes, very sudden. Quite took his breath away. 162 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Chesterton. Is it possible ! — I am very sorry — very sorry. Mrs. Tompkins. [Face in handkerchief, sighing deeply.] Ah, yes. — Leave me, Chesterton — leave me to my sor- row. Chesterton. [Going towards door on tiptoe.] Yes, madam. [Exits. Count. [Going to Mrs. Tompkins, who, with her face partly averted, is looking about helplessly.] Ay, senora, I fear I haive tear the wound open again. Mrs. Tompkins. O-oh, Count, o-oh ! It is your beautiful thoughts that move me. [Feigns weeping. The Count puts his arm about her., Count. Pleese, let them move you to sit down, senora, — pleese ! [Leads her to a chair beside the table upon which is the wreath; sits in chair on opposite side.] Ay, senora, let the tears fall. Weep, dear lady, weep! Mrs. Tompkins. [Trying valiantly to do his bidding, starts to put her head on the table, but, coming in contact with the wreath, draws back in horror.] O-oh ! O-oh! What shall I do! [Looking at wreath hopelessly.] Where — where shall I put it? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 163 Count. May I beg, senora, that we — together — place theese — theese leetle token of remembrance on the grave of the dear, lost, and gone Meester Tompkins. Mrs. Tompkins. [Jumping up wildly and putting her hands to her head, looking about frantically.] The grave! — The grave ! — My God, the grave ! [Laughs hysterically. Count. [Taking her hand soothingly.] Senora, pleese! You will calm yourself, — yes? Pleese! [Mrs. Tompkins looks at him wildly.] Let us go there together — quietly, silently — on tiptoe — weethout a sound. [Walking with her to illustrate method of approach. Mrs. Tompkins. [Meditating, repeats mechanically.] On tiptoe? Weethout a sound? Oh, we couldn't! It's so far away ! — It's in — New Orleans ! Count. Dios mio ! That is the hot place, si que no ? Mrs. Tompkins. Yes, yes. That's home to Tompkins. Home at last! Count. And [pointing to wreath] at rest. Ay, senora, it is very hard for you to be so far avay, — but 1 64 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW [cheerfully] do not sorrow. Some day you vill be weeth him there — beside him — there in the — er hot place — woat you call it? Mrs. Tompkins. How comforting you are ! Count. It make me happy to be of the slightest comfort, dear lady. Mrs. Tompkins. This is — I assure you — the slightest. Count. Thank you, senora. [Pause.] You haive nevair told me about his last days. Mrs. Tompkins. [Gasping, and looking about in desperation.] Last days ! — oh, dear ! [Puts handkerchief to eyes to gain time. Tompkins appears at l. on landing. His movements are stealthy and cautious. He starts back at sound of voices, then peers down, advancing slowly as he does so, stopping on each step and showing various emotions as he gradually grasps the situa- tion. He finally reaches the lower hall, where he stands in the background. Count. Ay, si, si, senora ! It is the silence that make the heart break. Pleese, tell me about the end. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 165 Mrs. Tompkins. The end? [Vaguely.] Why, — it was — why — just simply — an ending. Count. But how did he die, sefiora? Mrs. Tompkins. Die? — Why he — er — he — [with airy movement of the hands] just died— don't you know. You know how it is, — [Count shakes his head] you know, — just lie down and die. You know — turn your face towards the wall and sort of evaporate. Count. And nothing more? Mrs. Tompkins. [Thinking hard.] Nothing — nothing. Count. And no — cause for his death, sefiora? Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, nothing to speak of, — just a little colic. Count. * [Amazed. ] Colic ! That is wat the babies haive, no que si? Mrs. Tompkins. Er — yes, — you see he grew childish at the last. Count. And he did die of nothing but colic, sefiora ? 166 . SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. Um — well — just a touch of measles, too. Count. That also is another child's disease, si que no? Mrs. Tompkins. Yes, yes, — he grew more childish every minute. In fact, we were dreadfully afraid he was going to cut a new set of eye teeth. Count. Caramba ! I haive never heard the like ! Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, yes, indeed. It was a wholly original idea. You see Mr. Tompkins was not like other men. Count. No ? But nobody did ever die of such things. Was there nothing more ? [Tompkins shows mingled amusement and tation. Mrs. Tompkins. [Desperately.] Well — yes. He had just a sug- gestion of pneumonia, — and a dash of hydrophobia, — [gestures to suit words] and a sprinkling of small- pox. ^ Count. Santissima Virgen ! Mrs. Tompkins. Just a few little odds and ends like that, you know. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 167 Count. He did suffer much? Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, no ! He really rather enjoyed it. Gave him something to do. Count. To do? Woatdidhedo? Mrs. Tompkins. Why — die. Count. To die and leave you ! Ay, that was hard ! Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, no, — not for him. You see before we were married he said he would die for me, and after we were married he insisted upon keeping his word. He was so conscientious! Count. But death, sefiora ; it is terrible ! Mrs. Tompkins. Not for poor, dear Tompkins. Many times I have heard him say during the last year of our happy married life that death would have no sting for him. He spoke of it as a bed — of roses. [Tompkins begins running his fingers through his hair as if trying to restrain himself. Begins to move restlessly back and forth in hall like a caged lion, stopping from time to time to catch the next sen- tence. 1 68 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Count. Und now the good man is [pointing to wreath] on his bed of roses — away off there in the hot place. Mrs. Tompkins. [Burying face in handkerchief.] Poor, poor dear! Ah, that I might have some message from him — some little token of those happy days ! [Look- ing towards desk, catches sight of roses, starts back in fright and screams. ] O-oh ! [Tompkins halts suddenly and stands like a statue, awaiting further developments. Count. [Going to Mrs. Tompkins.] Woat ees it, se- fiora? Mrs. Tompkins. [Clinging to him, and keeping her eyes riveted on roses. ] Those roses ! Did you bring them ? Count. No — only thees little token [Pointing to wreath. Mrs. Tompkins. [In terror.] He's been here ! Count. Who, senora? Mrs. Tompkins. He may be here now! [Looking about room fearfully, catches sight of Tompkins standing like an avenging spirit in the center of the hall.] Tomp- kins ! [Draws away from the Count. ] O-oh ! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 169 Count. [Drawing her closer to him, looks in direction of the hall.] Santissima Virgen ! Who ees that? Tompkins. [In sepulchral tones.] I am Tompkins' ghost! Mrs. Tompkins. [Getting behind Count.] O-oh! Count. Ay, Dios mio, senora! — [Turning to Mrs. Tomp- kins, but she goes about him in a circle, always keeping out of range of his eyes, and motioning to Tompkins to go away. Tompkins pays no atten- tion to her, but continues regarding her with a steady, reproachfid gaze. ] Madame, where are you ? [Catching her and holding her, trembling.] Who is this man? Tompkins. I am Tompkins' ghost ! Mrs. Tompkins. Who is he ? Why — I don't know. Tompkins. [Coming forward and pulling the Count from Mrs. Tompkins with such force that he throws the Count against the wall.] Take your hands off that woman! Count. [Trembling.] That is no ghost, senora! 170 SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV Tompkins. [Doubling up his fists and threatening the Count.] You'll find out whether I'm a ghost or not! Count. [Rushing behind piece of furniture for protec- tion.] Caramba! Sefiora, who is this man? Tompkins. [Sneeringly to Mrs. Tompkins.] Yes, who am I? Tell your bull-fighting sword swallower. Count. You insult me ! Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, what a dreadful man ! [To Tompkins with bravado.] Who are you? Tompkins. Well, you lived with me long enough to know. Count. Lived with you, sefiora ? Mrs. Tompkins. With me! [To Count.] I never saw him be- fore in my life. Count. [With finality.] Sefiora, he is crazy! Mrs. Tompkins. Crazy ! That's it ! That's just it ! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW I?I Tompkins. Am I? Well, you'll find out. [To Count, with a quick turn.] Do you want to know who I am? I'm Nick Tompkins — once master of this house. Understand ? Count. [Hoarsely.] Woat? Mrs. Tompkins. [Limply.] Did you ever! [To Count.] But we must agree with him. They say you must al- ways agree with crazy people. [To Tompkins, soothingly.] Yes, you're Nicholas Tompkins. Nice old Nick. [Stroking his arm. Tompkins. [Pushing her off, to Count, more fiercely.] And do you want to know who she is? [Pointing to Mrs. Tompkins.] Well, that's my wife. Count. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] A very bad case, sefiora? Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, you've no idea how bad it is ! Count. I haive heard, madame, that music is quieting to the crazy. I vill sing to him. [Goes to piano and begins singing, very badly, a Spanish song. Mrs. Tompkins. [To Tompkins.] You brute! What do you mean by coming here ! 172 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Tompkins. Um. To break up your little schemes! So I'm dead, am I? [To Count.] Shut up! [Count gradually sings with greater and greater volume.] Died of hydrophobia, did I ? [To Count.] Shut up, I tell you ! Shut up, or I will die of hydrophobia. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] I'm in the hot place! [In desperation at Count's singing.] See here, I'll give you five seconds to get out of here ! [Throws zvreaih into hall. Mrs. Tompkins. [Going to Count and laying a restraining hand upon his arm.] He's getting worse. You'd better go- Count. And leave you, senora ? It wouldn't be safe. I will protect you. Mrs. Tompkins. I have wonderful soothing powers. Tompkins. You get out of here, or I'll help you out. [Makes rush at Count, who dodges him in fright. Count. [Waving his hands as if pursued by hornets.] Vaya ! Vaya, you madman ! Tompkins. [Catching him by the throat.] You'd put a wreath on my grave, would you? [Shaking him.] I'll put that damn wreath on your grave first ! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 173 Mrs. Tompkins. [Trying to separate them.] Don't! Don't hurt him, Nick. Tompkins. You think you'll get my wife, do you, you pickled shrimp ! [Shakes him more violently. Count. Help ! Help ! Dios mio, — he will kill me ! Help ! [As if by magic appear in hall two Custom House Officers, and a Woman In- spector. The men are dressed in the uni- forms of their position; the woman in plain, tailor-made suit of blue serge. First Officer. [Coming forward, authoritatively.] What's the trouble here? Count. [Pointing to Tompkins.] Thees is one crazy man. He would keell me ! Tompkins. [Stammering in surprise.] Eh? Who the devil ? First Officer. [Shaking Tompkins.] The quieter you keep the better it will be for you. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] I'll look after him. Mrs. Tompkins. Why — why, who are you? , 174 SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV First Officer. Officers of the law. Our visit may prove for- tunate for you in this respect if unfortunate in an- other. Mrs. Tompkins. What do you mean ? First Officer. We are Custom House officers. Mrs. Tompkins. [Staggering backward, clutching the back of a chair. ] Custom House officers. — O-oh ! [Collapses in chair. Tompkins. [Tearing himself away from the officer and rush- ing to Mrs. Tompkins.] Viola, my darling! Second Officer. [Pulling Tompkins away.] Come here, you crazy loon! First Officer. [To Second Officer.] Put the twisters on him if he troubles you. Woman Inspector. [To First Officer.] I'll take care of her. [Takes flask from hand-bag, places it at Mrs. Tompkins' lips and tries to revive her. Second Officer shakes a pair of handcuffs threateningly at Tompkins, who subsides into a chair. , SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 175 Tompkins. See here, I'm Second Officer. [Shaking handcuffs.] This is what you'll get. Tompkins. [To Count.] The halter's what you'll get. Second Officer. [Pushing Tompkins back into chair.] Stay there. [Mrs. Tompkins shows signs of reviving consciousness. She groans once or twice, then opens her eyes, Tompkins watching her solicitously. Seeing the officers, she closes her eyes quickly, and groans some more. Woman Inspector. [In kindly tone.] Are you feeling better, madam? Mrs. Tompkins. [Opening her eyes, and looking up.] Oh, — oh, where am I ? First Officer. [Peremptorily.] Well, madam? Mrs. Tompkins. [Trying to assume bravado.] Oh! — You will pardon this little collapse ? First Officer. Certainly, madam. We are quite accustomed to such collapses. 176 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. [With frightened, guilty look.] Oh, really? [To Woman Inspector; sotto-voce.] Have they caught you? Woman Inspector. [With humorous smile.] Not yet. Mrs. Tompkins. [Puzzled.] Have I had the pleasure of meeting you before? Woman Inspector. I think not. This is your first experience in passing the Customs, is it not ? Mrs. Tompkins. [With quick suspicion.] Who are you! Woman Inspector. I am an inspector, — [Mrs. Tompkins gives a lit- tle gasp] and have come to make things easy and free from embarrassment for you, — as only one woman can do for another. I trust Mrs. Tompkins. [Drawing herself up with dignity.] Well, really, I think you are assuming an unnecessary responsi- bility. [ To First Officer. ] Er — this visit is quite unexpected, you know. First Officer. [Matter-of-fact tone.] Most of our visits are unexpected, madam. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 7/ Mrs. Tompkins. Yes? [With szveet smile.] However, it's al- ways a pleasure to meet a gentleman. First Officer. [Amused, inclines his head.] Thank you. [Pause.] I am very sorry to cause you annoy- ance Mrs. Tompkins. Annoyance. Impossible! First Officer. But I must question you in regard to some jewelry you purchased in Paris, and did not declare. Mrs. Tompkins. [In feigned bewilderment.] Jewelry? Perfectly absurd ! First Officer. You deny it? Mrs. Tompkins. Why, of course. First Officer. [Producing paper from pocket.] I have a war- rant to search your house if you do not produce the goods. Mrs. Tompkins. [Indifferently.] To search my house for jewelry? I should be very angry with you, — but I never for- get to be a lady ; besides I always believe in encour- 178 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW aging honesty and every effort in the performance of duty. [Waving her hand towards the door.] If you wish to search my house. It's really not in perfect order, but you see I have only just come home, — and First Officer. We will make as little disturbance as possible. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, make yourself right at home. Tompkins. Yes, take the key to the wine cellar. First Officer. [To Second Officer.] Watkins, we will search the house. [Mrs. Tompkins tries to conceal her pertur- bation. Second Officer. [Touching cap.] Yes, sir. [Goes upstairs, and into Mrs. Tompkins' room. First Officer exchanges a few words with Woman Inspector, who nods her head as if receiving instructions. First Officer goes upstairs. Mrs. Tompkins. [Makes movement of following officers, then turns quickly, as if catching herself. To Woman Inspector, who is watching her with a smile ] Oh, wouldn't you like to go too? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 179 Woman Inspector. Thank you, I think I should like to have a little talk with you here. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, that will be awfully jolly. [Awkward pause.] Please don't stand. Mr. Tom, — er — that is, Mr. Nochebuena here will, I'm sure, find a com- fortable chair for you. Count. [Gallantly; after moment of puzzled hesitation.] Weeth pleasure. [Draws forward chair. Woman Inspector. [Studying Count closely.] Thank you. [Sits down. Count. [Drawing from pocket the jewelled cigarette case which Mrs. Tompkins gave him earlier in the act.] Weell senorina smoke? Woman Inspector. No, thank « [Noticing case.] Oh, if I may? [To Mrs. Tompkins, who smiles graciously.] Can't seem to get that cigarette out. [Trying to extricate one.] If you will allow me. [Takes case in hand, removes a cigarette, closes case, examining cover closely.] Thank you. [Returns case to Count; smells cigarette.] Very fine tobacco. Count. Si, si. My weakness. 180 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Tompkins. Humph ! E pluribus unum. Mrs. Tompkins. [To Woman Inspector.] Now do sit down and tell me what put this perfectly preposterous idea into your apparently clever mind that I — / would stoop to anything so degrading as smuggling. [Count and Mr. Tompkins are following this interview with close attention, the Count showing more and more plainly that he wishes to get away, Tompkins, when not glowering at the Count, show- ing amusement and exidtation. Woman Inspector. You were in Paris about two months ago? Mrs. Tompkins. [Deliberating.] In Paris? Paris, did you say? [The Inspector nods.] Let me think. Really, you know, we Americans travel so spasmodically it's sometimes almost impossible to remember in the morning where we were the day before. I should have to consult my little book entitled " My Trip Abroad " to verify that statement. Woman Inspector. Perhaps if you would consult also your expense book Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, dear me, I'm not a commercial traveller! — [Thoughtfully.] If I could only associate it with something SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW l8l Woman Inspector. Might I suggest a certain jewelry shop in the RueDeLa Paix? Mrs. Tompkins. But you know every other shop there is a jewelry shop. Woman Inspector. Ah, you do recall that! Mrs. Tompkins. Well, really, you couldn't get by without noticing them. They'd dazzle the blind. Woman Inspector. Possibly you'll recall certain pieces of jewelry which dazzled your eyes particularly? Mrs. Tompkins. [Wearily.] Jewelry doesn't interest me in the least. Woman Inspector. Those ear-pendants you are wearing rather con- ■ tradict your words. Mrs. Tompkins. [Putting her hands to her ears guiltily, then quickly.] Oh! — oh, aren't they hideous? [Seeing Tompkins' amusement.] A gift from my first husband. [Count and Tompkins start in surprise. Woman Inspector. First husband! 1 82 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Count. Tompkins ! Woman Inspector. [Taking paper from pocket and consulting it.] I was not informed that you had married again, madam. Mrs. Tompkins. [With coy glance at Count.] Well, not exactly married. Tompkins. [Clenching his fist.] O-oh ! Mrs. Tompkins. [To Officer.] But who gave you information about me? Woman Inspector. A description of you was given me with the warrant. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, really! How interesting! I should like to hear it. Won't you read it ? It would be so amus- ing! Woman Inspector. Certainly, if you think it would afford you pleas- ure. [Reads.] "Name, Mrs. Viola Tompkins, divorced wife of Mr. Nicholas Tompkins." Count. Divorced ! [Looks questioningly at Mrs. Tompkins. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 183 Mrs. Tompkins. [Momentary confusion, followed by quick re- covery.] Error number one. [Count shows relief. Woman Inspector. [Reading.] "Age, uncertain; probably forty, disguisedly twenty-five or thirty." [Tompkins chuckles. Count regards her critically. Mrs. Tompkins. The insult! [Smiling at Count.] Error num- ber two. Woman Inspector. [Reading.] " Eyes, blue." Mrs. Tompkins. , How definite ! There being but one other possible color. Woman Inspector. [Reading.] " Hair, blond; presumably by chem- ical process ; probably detachable." Mrs. Tompkins. [Indignantly. ] O-oh ! Woman Inspector. It amuses you, madam? Mrs. Tompkins. [With forced gaiety.] It's perfectly killing! Woman Inspector. [Reading.] "Complexion, artificial infantile pink." 1 84 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. [Rising in indignation and pacing the floor, much to the amusement of Tompkins and the Officer.] I'll not listen to such indignities. You see on the face of it that it's a slanderous assault ! Tompkins. [Softly.] Whose face, dearest? Woman Inspector. [To Tompkins.] That'll do. Mrs. Tompkins. [With sudden thought.] Now, I do remember there was a very cheap, vulgar woman, answering that description, who put up at the same hotel in Paris. [Indignantly.] Do you suppose she had the neurotic audacity to infringe upon my person- ality? Tompkins. Quite possible, darling. Mrs. Tompkins. [Victoriously.] That's it! That's it! I've solved it ! [Inspector and Tompkins look amused; the Count appears mystified. ] They ought to have me at the Custom House ! Woman Inspector. [Significantly.] That's the object of my visit. Mrs. Tompkins. [Stopping short.] What? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 185 Woman Inspector. To ask you to accompany me to the Custom House to clear this matter up. [Mrs. Tompkins appears perturbed. The two Officers descend stairs as the last two or three lines are being spoken. First Officer. [Coming forward; to Woman Inspector.] Has she admitted her guilt ? Woman Inspector. Not in actual words, but Mrs. Tompkins. [Drawing herself up with dignity.] Indeed! [Turning upon Officer, indignantly ; yet anxiously.] And you, sir ? Did you find anything ? First Officer. Not the goods I'm looking for Mrs. Tompkins. [ Triumphantly. ] Ah-ha ! [Count shows relief, and sits doivn slapping his knees as if the matter were closed. First Officer. — but I found a bill of them. Count. [Starting up.] Caramba! Mrs. Tompkins. [With suppressed cry.] O-oh ! 1 86 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Woman Inspector. [Taking paper from her pocket.] Read it, and we'll see if it corresponds with this. Second Officer. [Reads.] " Arnaud & Fils, Rue De La Paix. Pendants d'oreille, perle et diamant Fr. 5000" Woman Inspector. [Reading from paper he is holding.] " Arnaud & Son, Rue De La Paix. Ear-Pendants, pearl and diamond Fr. 5000" Second Officer. [Reads. ] " Bague, diamant Fr. 5000" Woman Inspector. [Reads.] " Ring, diamond .Fr. 5000" Second Officer. [Reads.] " Collier de perles, agrafe lettre ' S/ Fr. 25,000 " Woman Inspector. [Reads.] "Pearl necklace, clasp letter ' S,' Fr. 25,000 " Second Officer. [Reads.] "Porte-Cigarette avec diamants et rubies Fr. 2500 " Woman Inspector. [Reads.] "Cigarette case with diamonds and rubies Fr. 2500 " [Looks questioningly at Mrs. Tompkins.] Well? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 187 Mrs. Tompkins. [Innocently, with winning smile.] Well? First Officer. You admit the purchase now ? Mrs. Tompkins. [Shrugging her shoulders.] I know nothing about it. First Officer. The bill is made out to you. Mrs. Tompkins. Merely a coincidence. First Officer. . [Sternly.] Madam, you must forfeit the goods. Mrs. Tompkins. How can I when I haven't them? Woman Inspector. The pendants are in your ears. [Mrs. Tompkins puts her hands to her ears in alarm.] The ring is on your finger. Tompkins. [Chuckling.] Any bells on your toes, Viola? Mrs. Tompkins. Insolent brute ! Tompkins. Even the dead could enjoy this. [Settles back in his chair and laughs. 1 88 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. Beast! [To Woman Inspector.] How dare you east aspersions on my family heirlooms ! This ring was given me by my husband Tompkins. Generous old cuss ! First Officer. Can you furnish proofs of that? Tompkins. Wanted ; a voice from the grave ! Mrs. Tompkins. [Helplessly to Tompkins.] Oh, why don't you help me out? Tompkins. I am dippy, darling. Mrs. Tompkins. O-oh! [Turning in desperation to Woman In- spector. ] Oh, won't you help me ! You said you would; — as one woman should help another. Woman Inspector. [With sympathy.] Madam, we have positive proof that you purchased those articles in Paris, that you brought them in without payment of duty. You are, therefore, guilty of smuggling. You can- not evade the law. A full confession will make it the easier for you. Mrs. Tompkins. Confess? Confess what? SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 89 Woman Inspector. The truth. Mrs. Tompkins. The truth ? [Blankly. ] Why, what is the truth ? Woman Inspector. That you purchased the goods. Mrs. Tompkins. [Weakening.] Bu-but — I didn't. First Officer. Do you swear it? Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, you wouldn't have me so blasphemous ! First Officer. [Impatiently.] ,Do you deny it absolutely? Mrs. Tompkins. I — I don't admit it. First Officer. Unless you recall it you will, I'm sorry to say, have to suffer the consequences. [The Count, seeing that things are beginning to look rather black for Mrs. Tompkins, is slowly and stealthily moving towards the hall, the Second Officer watching carefully out of the corner of his eye, Mrs. Tompkins. Wha-what are the consequences ? 190 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW First Officer. You will be arrested. Mrs. Tompkins. [Frightened. ] No ! oh, no ! [Count is just slipping out when the Second Officer touches him on the arm and mo- tions him to a chair. The Count expostu- lates in pantomime, but finally obeys. First Officer. Such will be my duty. Mrs. Tompkins. [After a moment's thought.] Well, — to tell the truth, I did buy the pendants and ring, — but, you see, it was the dying request of my husband. [Mr. Tompkins convulsed with laughter.] And so I look upon them as his gift. [With indignant look at Tompkins.] He really should pay the duty. First Officer. We deal only with the living. [Tompkins laughs uproariously. Mrs. Tompkins. [To Tompkins.] Oh, you unsympathetic wretch ! First Officer. [Consulting bill.] You also purchased, as the bill reads, [Woman Inspector zvatches Count] a cigarette case with diamonds and rubies, and a neck- lace of pearls. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 191 [Count starts up, and once more expostu- lates with Second Officer, but is forced rather roughly back into his chair. Mrs. Tompkins. [ With feigned surprise. ] Honestly ! First Officer. As to that I cannot say. Mrs. Tompkins. [ Thinks a moment. ] Could I have bought those ? [Pause.] You know, there was, — I remember it now — there was one day I spent in Paris that I never could recall. Tompkins. A very common occurrence in Paris. Mrs. Tompkins. Um, — and I spent several thousands of dollars that I haven't been able to account for. Tompkins. Also a common occurrence in that city. Mrs. Tompkins. Well, perhaps I did buy them, but it's a complete surprise to me — such a surprise that you could knock me over with an ostrich plume. [Rising with a gracious smile, as if the matter were closed. ] Now, although I've enjoyed your visit more than I can say, I'll have to excuse you because I'm giving a dinner to-night. [Amorous glance at Count, who now seems more at ease.] Please send in your 192 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW bill at the end of the month, — not before the end of the month, remember, for I've come home down at the heel. First Officer. I'm sorry, but the Custom House doesn't conduct its business in that manner. Mrs. Tompkins. [Indignantly.] Why not? It's the only busi- nesslike way. I can give you as references First Officer. No, madam, I cannot leave this house without you unless you forfeit all the goods and furnish bond. Mrs. Tompkins. [Terrified.] But I can't. [Count again shows perturbation. First Officer. In that case you will have to go with us ! [Count looks about desperately for escape. Mrs. Tompkins. You'll arrest me ! First Officer. If you wish to put it that way. Mrs. Tompkins. I'll have to go to jail ! [Tompkins shows sympathy. First Officer. That depends. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 193 Mrs. Tompkins. [Thoroughly frightened; to Woman Inspector.] Oh, no ! No ! You wouldn't do that ! Woman Inspector. I am sorry, madam. I cannot change the law. Mrs. Tompkins. [Distracted.] But can't I do anything! That would kill me ! Woman Inspector. If you can furnish bond. Mrs. Tompkins. But I haven't the money just now. If you could wait First Officer. You must, or go with us. Mrs. Tompkins. [Walking about and wringing her hands.] Oh, what shall I do ! [Looks appealingly at Tompkins. Tompkins. [Pointing towards Count.] A friend in need, you know. Mrs. Tompkins. [Brightening as she looks at the Count, who turns his back upon her. ] Ah, Count, I can rely on you. [Sighs in relief. Count. [Making gesture of repudiation.] Ay, sefiora, pleese. 194 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. [Pleadingly.] You will help me ! Count. I could not. No, no, no ! I could not be con- nected weeth anything so dishonorable. You vill understand, I am sure. — My work — my King. Mrs. Tompkins. You won't help me ! Count. It would be my pleasure, but now, already, you see it is not in the question. [Pause.] I fear my presence here may cause you the un-com-for-table', — no que si? You may trust me, senora. I weell not mention thees. I weell keep it all in — woat you say? — in the shade, si que no? And now to make eet the easy for you to go to preeson I weell go, no que si ? Si, si. Muy bien, good luck, senora. A Dios. [Starts towards door. Tompkins. The cur! First Officer. [To Count.] Just a moment, please. Count. I know nothing — nothing about thees woman. She is one stranger to me. She would lay the trap Mrs. Tompkins. O-oh! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 195 Tompkins. Say one word against her and I'll Second Officer. [To Tompkins.] Keep quiet, or we'll put you in a straight jacket ! First Officer. [To Count.] There is no occasion for excite- ment. It only arouses suspicion. You know noth- ing about these smuggled goods? Count. [Vehemently.] Nothing! — It is all one great thunderbolt to me. Tompkins. Give him a little lightning, too. [Second Officer shakes Tompkins into silence. First Officer. That is all. [Count smiles and sighs with relief. Starts to go. Woman Inspector says something in undertone to First Officer.] Oh, just a mo- ment. May I beg a cigarette of you? Count. [After a moment's hesitation.] Weeth pleasure. [Opens case so as to hide cover, extends to First Officer. First Officer. [Taking case.] Thank you. [Closing case, and holding it up. ] And now will you explain how you came into possession of this cigarette case? 196 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Count. Woat is that to you ? First Officer. What is it to you ? Count. It is mine. First Officer. It is the cigarette case Mrs. Tompkins purchased in Paris. Count. Caramba! [To First Officer.] You may have it. She may have it ! Muy bien, I must go ! [Starts towards door, but is again intercepted by Second Officer. First Officer. I must detain you, sir, for receiving smuggled goods. Count. [Pointing towards Mrs. Tompkins.] It is she that is guilty. You haive found her so. Thees is hers. She did beg me to take it. Mrs. Tompkins. I never ! Oh, you crocodile ! Take him away. The very air has become coagulated by his presence. Count. Muy bien, I weell go. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 97 First Officer. Not so quick. I will attend to you later. Wat- kins, take him into some adjoining room until I settle this other — matter. Second Officer. Very well, sir. [To Count.] Come with me. [Count remonstrates in pantomime. Ex- eunt Count and Second Officer. First Officer. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] There remains one piece of jewelry still unaccounted for, — the pearl collar. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, I'm so tired ! I can't think. I haven't that. First Officer. Where is it? Mrs. Tompkins. I — I — [desperately] I dropped it overboard — once — when I was leaning over the rail. A rough sea First Officer. You will have to give that explanation at the Custom House. Mrs. Tompkins. Well, to tell the truth, since you force me to that unpleasant task, I bought it for a friend. First Officer. The friend's name? 198 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. I said a friend. If you will wait a few days I promise to settle this all up. First Officer. It is impossible. As I said before, you must go with me unless you furnish sufficient bond. . . . Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, what shall I do ! What shall I do ! [To Woman Inspector. Woman Inspector. If you have your own carriage, or motor, we would, perhaps, attract less attention. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, no, no, no! [To Tompkins.] Help me! Oh, help me! Tompkins. Come on to the asylum. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, what shall I do ! I never intended to do anything wrong. I thought it was just fun. Every woman does it. Oh, you surely don't mean what you say! First Officer. There is no other alternative. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, Nick, you wouldn't see me arrested like a common thief. You said you loved me! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 199 Woman Inspector. Madam, you are overwrought. Remember what this man is. Mrs. Tompkins. He's my husband. Oh, Nick, help me. [Throws herself into Tompkins' arms. Chesterton appears at hall entrance, fol- lowed by Mr. and Mrs. Sturtevant, who are in evening dress; Mrs. Sturtevant wearing the pearls smuggled in by Mrs. Tompkins. Chesterton. Mr. and Mrs. [starts back in amazement at group, stammering and half-choking] St-St-urte- vant. . . . [Looks about room, into hall; then listening intently, goes in direction by which Second Officer and Count left stage. Sturtevant. Well, well, well, — bless my soul, but this is a joy- ful occasion. Tompkins, old man, I'm glad to see you back where you belong. First Officer. [ Under his breath. ] Tompkins ! Tompkins. I can't quite figure out where I belong, Sturtevant. It's a toss-up between the grave and a mad-house. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Catching sight of the Officers.] Oh! — Why, Viola! 200 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. {Running to Mrs. Sturtevant and wrapping her scarf about her throat.] It's cool in here, Angelica ; — and you know your throat is sensitive. Mrs. Sturtevant. My throat! Sensitive? Why, no Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, yes, it is. I know. You are so careless about yourself. [Woman Inspector is watching Mrs. Sturtevant closely. Sturtevant. [Catching sight of Officer.] Hello, Tompkins! What's this? Tompkins. Oh, Viola's memory slipped a cog when she came through the Customs. This fellow's here trying to set her right about some things they're after. You know how it is ; — these women ! Sturtevant. No, I'm thankful to say, I do not know. I've got a wife that wouldn't stand for that sort of thing any more than I would. Mrs. Sturtevant. Custom House Officers ! [Puts hands to throat in fright; then tries to unfasten necklace; Woman Inspector coming up behind and examining clasp. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 201 Mrs. Tompkins. Yes, the game's up. I'm in an awful stew. Tompkins. Stew ! Regular Chinese ragout ! Better dig up that pearl necklace, Viola. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Struggling with clasp.] O-oh! Woman Inspector. [To Mrs. Sturtevant.] May I assist you, madam ? Mrs. Sturtevant. [ Turning guiltily. ] N-no, thank you. Woman Inspector. May I examine that necklace ? The clasp Mrs. Sturtevant. [Haughtily.] Certainly not ! Sturtevant. Why, you don't own a pearl necklace, Gellie. [To First Officer.] What do you mean, sir, by allowing such a demand ? Woman Inspector. My office as inspector entitles me to make such demands upon whomsoever I may suspect. Sturtevant. Why should you suspect my wife? She hasn't been abroad, and if she had I'd stake my life on her honesty. 202 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Tompkins. Rather high stakes, Sturtevant. Well meet in New Orleans. Woman Inspector. The necklace she is wearing is of pearls, and answers the description Sturtevant. I tell you my wife doesn't own a pearl necklace. Don't you suppose I know? I have to pay the bills. [To Mrs. Sturtevant.] Show her she's made a mistake, Gellie. Mrs. Sturtevant. Why, Gordon, how forgetful you are ! Of course, I own a pearl necklace. Dear me, you forget your own generosity. Tompkins. How forgetful the world is becoming ! Sturtevant. Never gave you pearls. Don't like 'em. Mrs. Sturtevant. You bought them at Tiffany's, you know. You remember now, don't you? [Removes scarf, and regards him sternly through her lorgnettes. Sturtevant. No! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 20 3 Mrs. Tompkins. Of course, T. Gordon, you remember the day we all went to Tiffany's. [Nods her head by way of suggestion. Sturtevant. [Comprehending.] Er — um — hum. Well, my memory has been doing queer things to me lately Tompkins. Come on in, Sturtevant. Sturtevant. [Looking at Mrs. Sturtevant indignantly.] Yes, — yes, — now I see them, perhaps you are right, my dear. [Turning away.] You're always right. Woman Inspector. If it was a gift from your husband you will, I'm sure, have no objection to my examining it. Mrs. Sturtevant. I do object. [Turning lorgnettes upon her. Sturtevant. Now, my dear, I'd advise you Mrs. Sturtevant. [Severely.] Gordon, I never allow you to inter- fere in my affairs. Silence on your part will be of the greatest assistance. Sturtevant. [Piqued.] Very well, my love, very well. From this time forth I am deaf and dumb to your voice. 204 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW [Takes Tompkins' arm and both men go to the fireplace where they hold a whispered conversation, glancing at the women from time to time in amusement, as if concoct- ing a scheme. Mrs. Sturtevant. [To Woman Inspector.] Woman, I demand an apology for your insolence. Woman Inspector. Being guilty of none, I cannot comply with your request, madam. Mrs. Sturtevant. You insinuated that I did not tell the truth. Woman Inspector. I questioned the veracity of your statement. Mrs. Sturtevant. It amounts to the same thing. Woman Inspector. Possibly, from your point of view. Mrs. Sturtevant. The correct and only view-point. [Turning to First Officer. ] Sir, do you know who I am ? First Officer. A friend of Mrs. Tompkins; the friend of Mrs. Tompkins, I suspect. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 205 Mrs. Sturtevant. [Drawing herself up.] I am Mrs. T. Gordon Sturtevant. First Officer. Indeed! I know your husband to be a promi- nent man in the business world. Mrs. Sturtevant. And I am equally prominent in the social world. Sir, I am president of the Society for the Propaga- tion of the Higher Morality of the Working Girl. First Officer. Indeed ! Mrs. Tompkins. And I am the secretary. Sturtevant. [To Tompkins.] You know, Tompkins, I've always had a world of sympathy for the poor work- ing girl. Mrs. Sturtevant. I am chairman of the Board of Inquiry into the Ethical Conditions of the American Home. First Officer. [Amused.] IndeedJ Mrs. Tompkins. And I am the treasurer. Tompkins. I suppose, Sturtevant, such mottoes as " God Bless Our Home " are your wall decorations ? 206 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Sturtevant. I am director of the Society for the Suppression of Dishonesty and Deceit Among Thinking Women. Mrs. Tompkins. I'm not in that yet. First Officer. [To Mrs. Sturtevant.] Indeed! Then surely a woman of such breadth will see the justice of our position. Mrs. Sturtevant. I see that which alone exists. Injustice! Cal- umny ! Gordon, I expect you to deal with this man as he deserves ! [Sturtevant engages in animated conversa- tion with Tompkins, ignoring Mrs. Sturtevant. Woman Inspector. Madam, as a conspicuous figure in so many com- plicated societies I should think you could scarcely afford to have your name appear in print Mrs. Sturtevant. . A society woman expects to see her name in print. Mrs. Tompkins. Good Heavens! What does a woman go into society for? Woman Inspector. — could scarcely afford to have her name appear in print in connection with a smuggling case. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 207 Mrs. Sturtevant. Smuggling ! Mrs. Tompkins. The newspapers ! Mrs. Sturtevant. Gordon! [Imperiously.] Gordon! Sturtevant. As I was saying, Tompkins, any form of dis- honesty should receive the full measure of punish- ment the law prescribed. Mrs. Sturtevant. Gordon, how can you stand there and see your wife insulted? Mrs. Tompkins. [Szueetly.] Gordon, your wife is speaking to you. Tompkins. As Mark Twain remarked, Sturtevant, " such people are not to be trusted; they are fit for trea- sons, stratagems and spoils ! " Woman Inspector. [To Mrs. Sturtevant.] The moment you entered this room, madam, I noticed that necklace ; the moment pearl necklace was mentioned your guilt was apparent. Mrs. Sturtevant. Guilt ! 208 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW First Officer. Madam, Mrs. Tompkins told me she purchased that necklace for a friend. Mrs. Sturtevant. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] You have betrayed me. You have told the truth ! Mrs. Tompkins. I never! I couldn't. You ought to know me better ! Woman Inspector. Ah, you see you have confessed. Mrs. Sturtevant. Confessed what? Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, Angelica, it's all up. You might as well give in as try to bluff it out. It'd be as easy for a dead man to fool the undertaker as Tompkins. Give me credit, Viola? Give me credit! Mrs. Sturtevant. Gordon ! Gordon, I am speaking to you. Sturtevant. [To Tompkins.] How blissful is the life of the deaf and dumb ! Tompkins. Second only to that of the dear departed ! SHE KNOPFS BETTER NOW 209 First Officer. Ladies, my time is valuable. Either you must furnish immediate bond, or you must accompany me. Mrs. Sturtevant. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] Does he mean arrest? Mrs. Tompkins. That's just what he means, Angelica. Mrs. Sturtevant. . Oh, what shall we do ! Mrs. Tompkins. We'll perish together ! Let that thought console you, dearest. Mrs. Sturtevant. What consolation is that ? Gordon, Gordon ! You must get me out of this ! Sturtevant. [To Tompkins.] The deaf and dumb have ever been law-abiding citizens, Tompkins. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, Nick, if you ever loved me have pity on me now. Tompkins. Sweet is the innocent repose of the departed. They know nothing of the deceptions of mortal woman. 210 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Count. [Off stage.] You will not, — you cannot keep me here like one prisoner. [Rushing into room, to First Officer. ] Sir, I weell persecute you ! Mrs. Sturtevant. Oh, Count — my dear, dear Count. Tompkins. [To Sturtevant.] Et tu Brute? Mrs. Tompkins. No, just plain brute. Count. [To Mrs. Sturtevant.] Ay, senora, you, you, you are the one perfect lady ! You would not de- ceive a gentleman. Mrs. Tompkins. Take him away. Take him away, or I shall for- get to be a lady ! Mrs. Sturtevant. Why, Viola! Count. [To Mrs. Sturtevant.] You see in me, se- nora, a man wounded to the — [beating his breast] woat you say — to the fast, si que no ? Mrs. Tompkins. Angelica, I forbid you SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 211 Mrs. Sturtevant. Oh, of course, Viola, I quite understand your feeling, now you and Nicholas are reconciled. [To Count.] But, Count, that will not prevent you from enjoying our hospitality. Count. . Ay, senora, you make me dumb weeth happiness. Tompkins. Be kind to our dumb friends. Count. [To Mrs. Sturtevant.] Wy, wy, senora, should I be kept here ? I am innocent, as you are innocent. Sturtevant. Innocent, what does this mean? [Whispered conversation between Tompkins and Sturtevant. Mrs. Sturtevant. Ah, Count, you have been sent as a messenger from on high to deliver me. Count. Ay, for you, — for you, senora, the one perfect lady I haive met in America, I vould go through the— Hell fire ! Mrs. Tompkins. I hope you will ! Mrs. Sturtevant. Ah, Count, I know you will. For me — then — you will teach such brutal, uncouth men as these the definition of a perfect gentleman. 212 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Tompkins. Angelica! [Mrs. Sturtevant waves her aside. Count. At your feet, like the gallant knights of old, I kneel. [Kneels. Mrs. Sturtevant. Rise, Sir Knight, and serve your lady ! Count. Woat shall I do, fair lady ? Mrs. Sturtevant. [Pointing to First Officer.] That insult to your sex will make demands which, as my Knight, I ask you to satisfy. Count. Your vishes are my commands. [To First Officer.] Woat are your demands, sir? First Officer. Ten thousand dollars. Count. [Staggering back.] Ten thousand dollars! Dios mio ! I am not a Pierpont Rockyf ellow ! [Sturtevant and Tompkins convulsed with laughter. First Officer. The lady desires you to furnish her bond. SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV 21 3 Count. Furnish her. It is for Mrs. Sturtevant, that honest lady, that I speak. First Officer. It is for Mrs. Sturtevant that I speak. Count. Mrs. Sturtevant you — you — it is the impossible! Senora, why will you permit the insult? Mrs. Sturtevant. Ah, Count, how fortunate that you have come at this psychological moment ! Count. [Turning to Sturtevant.] Mr. Stoortevant, you will not turn the cold back on your wife ! Sturtevant. I neither know you nor the woman to whom you are speaking. Count. Caramba ! This is no place for me! [To Sec- ond Officer. ] Take me back ! Take me away ! Take me anywhere. [Starts towards door. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Imploringly.] You will not desert me! Tompkins. Whither travelest thou, Sir Galahad? Mrs. Sturtevant. My dear Count ! 214 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Count. Ay, santissima Virgen! Wy did I come here! This is one awful day ! Mrs. Sturtevant. Count, you forget your vow! Count. Sefiora, you cannot ask me to do such a thing! My work ! My King ! First Officer. [To Count.] You refuse to comply with the lady's wishes? Mrs. Sturtevant. Count ! Count. I am an honest man, I cannot do otherwise. Muy bien. I go. [The sound of excited voices is heard off stage. There is a quick stumbling and slamming of doors. At r. of staircase landing appears Chesterton with hat and luggage; behind him, brandishing a golf stick, follows Delia. Delia. [Brandishing club over Chesterton's head.] March along wid yersilf. Chesterton. [Dodging her.] Put down that club ! [Stumbling down stairs to get out of het SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 21 5 reach. All in room below start at com- motion, and turn in surprise towards stairs. The Count, seeing his chance, makes a dart towards u. l. but is caught by Second Officer and jerked back by the collar. Delia. [With the air of a general.} March yersilf down, me hearty! Chesterton. Put down that club ! Do you think I'm carrying a golf ball around on my shoulders? Delia. Indade, and I wouldn't be insulting a golf ball. Mrs. Tompkins. Delia, what are you doing? Delia. The work of Tim Murphy, the cop. I caught yer foine bootler here a-creepin' out like a thief in the night. [Catching sight of Mr. Tompkins.] Oh, the saints be praised, and it's himsilf it is ! Thanks be to God! Mr. Tompkins, would ye be af ther seem' did he steal iverything in the house ? First Officer. [To Chesterton.] Put those things down. [To Tompkins.] I'll attend to this. Mrs. Tompkins. Chesterton ! 21 6 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Chesterton. Begging your pardon, madam, I — er — I — er sud- denly thought — er — I was — er — homesick, madam. I — er — [furtive glanee at Count] am taken that way sometimes. First Officer. Where are you going? Chesterton.- To — er — to England, sir. First Officer. The last train has gone. [Examining luggage.] Nothing here. [To Chesterton.] What's your hurry ? Chesterton. [In agitation.] I'm a very nervous man, sir. [Looking in uncertainty at Count. First Officer. So I see. Chesterton. I have these spells — and must always obey my impulse. First Officer. Um. [Starting to go through Chesterton's pockets.] I'll see if there are any traces of your impulses here. Chesterton. [Drawing away. ] Oh ! I'm ticklish, sir. There's nothing, sir. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 21/ First Officer. That's what I'm looking for. [Feels his pockets, takes out papers, examines them hurriedly, finally reads one.] Hello! Hello ! [All crowd about him.] Um. [To Count.] What's your name ? Count. [Hesitates a moment, casts a covert glance about room, with bravado.] Count Adolfo De la Noche- buena. First Officer. Ah! [Passes paper to Mrs. Tompkins. Others crowd around to see it. Mrs. Tompkins. [Reads it. To Count in suppressed rage.] Oh, you worm ! You Spanish worm ! Count. It is a forgery. He did write it. [Points to Chesterton. Delia. [Who has been standing like a sentinel guarding the fort.] Indade an' it's yersilf that wrote it, and it's mesilf that seen ye give it to this one. [Indicat- ing Chesterton.] And it wuz no dacent language ye wuz talkin' naither. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] I seen it wid me own two eyes, mum. First Officer. [To Chesterton.] Who is this man? 218 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Count., [To Chesterton, threateningly.] Silencio! Que hay ! Que quiere decir esto ? Delia. Listen to that, now ! First Officer. [To Chesterton.] Your actions are suspicious. It may help you to explain. Chesterton. [With timorous look at Count, who glowers at him threateningly.] I — am afraid, sir. First Officer. You need have no fear if you are not guilty. The truth. Chesterton. He is Count. [Fiercely.] Calla te la boca o te mato! First Officer. Remember you haven't — a monopoly on that language. Somebody else may have a knowledge of Spanish. Mrs. Tompkins. [Coming forward proudly.] Well, rather, — what did he say ? First Officer. . He said : " Say nothing or I will kill you." SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 219 Mrs. Tompkins and Mrs. Sturtevant. Oh! First Officer. [To Chesterton.] Well? Chesterton.; [Fearfully. ] I — er Mrs. Tompkins. On, Chesterton ! — On with the vivisection ! Chesterton. He is a gambler Count. Caramba ! Chesterton. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] He planned to get your money, madame. Mrs. Tompkins. [To Mrs. Sturtevant.] And this is what we've been entertaining! Tompkins. [To Sturtevant.] Viola's Christmas tree orna- ment. [Laughs. Sturtevant. Angelica's knight of yore! [Laughs. Mrs. Tompkins. That's enough. [Drawing her skirts away from the direction of the Count.] Remove the pest. I will have the house fumigated to-morrow. 220 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW First Officer. [To Second Officer.] Take these fellows along with you, Watkins. [To Chesterton.] You'll get off easy. [To Watkins.] I'll follow with the ladies. [Both zuomen shrink, and draw closer to- gether. Second Officer. Yes, sii\ [Takes both men — Chesterton and Count — and directs them to go forward, the Count protesting violently in Spanish. Mrs. Tompkins. What a horrible sound ! Count. [Up stage, turns, looks the company over sneer- ingly.) You are all too plebeian for the notice of a gentleman. [Shrugs his shoidders and laughs sar- donically.] There are as many fish in the ocean as haive evair got the hook. Muy bien ! [Deliber- ately dusting boot with handkerchief.] I wipe the dust of your society from my feet, — con mucho gusto ! [Turns upon his heel and goes out jauntily with Second Officer, singing snatches of the Toreador's song from " Carmen." For a moment all are speechless. Delia. [Calling after them.] May all our bad luck go wid ye ! Bad cess to him ! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 221 First Officer. [In businesslike tone to Delia.] The ladies' wraps, please. Delia. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] Shure an' dinner is waitin', mum. Mrs. Tompkins. Oh, we — er — are going out — for a little pleasure ride. [Weakly.] My wraps, Delia. [Exit Delia, making gesture of disappoint- ment. Mrs. Sturtevant. [Sinking down upon divan.] All is lost — lost! Mrs. Tompkins. [Sinking down beside Mrs. Sturtevant.] Our social careers shattered upon the rocks. [Tompkins and Sturtevant resume their former places before fireplace. Mrs. Sturtevant. Gordon, you won't see your wife's name dragged in the mire! Sturtevant. [Ignoring women.] As I was saying, Tompkins, woman doesn't need Equal Suffrage. What she needs is Equal Suffering. Mrs. Tompkins. She has it! 222 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Sturtevant. Let her pay the wages of her folly Tompkins. Or get her titled friends to do it for her. - Sturtevant. If woman breaks the law let her suffer the penalty. Tompkins. Let her wear the hobble skirt in stripes. Mrs. Tompkins and Mrs. Sturtevant. No! No! No! No! Sturtevant. It is time for rebellion — the rebellion of man, the marital slave ! Too long have we been under the feminine thumb ! Mrs. Sturtevant. Gordon ! Gordon ! Calm yourself ! Sturtevant. [Waxing more oratorical.] Too long have we been the cowed and downtrodden work horse ! Tompkins. [Catching his spirit.] You're right, old man. It's time to balk, rise up and kick the traces ! Sturtevant. [With flourishing gesture.] Let the Independ- ence of Man be the war cry ! Long live the Noble Male ! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 223 Tompkins and Sturtevant. Hurrah ! Hurrah ! Sturtevant. [Taking Tompkins by the arm and starting up stage. ] Come on, Tompkins, a night at the Club to celebrate Freedom Forever! Tompkins and Sturtevant. Hurrah ! Hurrah ! Mrs. Sturtevant. [Going after them hurriedly.} Gordon! Gor- don! You won't desert me! [The two men pause and turn in feigned surprise. Sturtevant. What woman is this? [Looks inquiringly at Tompkins. Tompkins. Search me ! Mrs. Tompkins. [Rising majestically, and holding her arm aloft. ] Forbear, Angelica, forbear! The hour of martyr- dom has arrived ! [Sweeping majestically tip and down stage.] We will go to jail! [The others look at her in consternation.] Like our English sisters, we will offer ourselves as living sacrifices in the cause of Woman. We will go to jail ! Tompkins. [To Sturtevant.] What the 224 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Mrs. Sturtevant. [Coming to Mrs. Tompkins; dubiously.] And — wear stripes, dear? Mrs. Tompkins. Stripes were ever becoming to the feminine fig- ure. They will but lend a pathetic touch to our emaciated forms. Mrs. Sturtevant. But the newspapers? Mrs. Tompkins. [Waxing eloquent,'] From shore to shore they will spread the harrowing tale of our matrimonial bondage. 'Now is the time for rebellion! Tompkins. [Coming forward anxiously.] Viola! Mrs. Sturtevant. [Seeing the men are weakening.] You're right, Viola ! Let the Emancipation of Woman be in- scribed upon our banner! Sturtevant. [Coming forward.] Gellie, my love! Mrs. Tompkins. Too long — too long have we been the brow- beaten domestic drudge ! Mrs. Sturtevant. Too long have we been the slave of the coffee urn! SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 225 [Men hold serious whispered colloquy; First Officer and Woman Inspector show enjoyment of situation. Mrs. Tompkins. It's time to rise up and smash some window panes ! Mrs. Tompkins and Mrs. Sturtevant. Hurrah ! Hurrah ! Mrs. Tompkins. [Taking Mrs. Sturtevant by the arm.] Come, — a night in the Tombs to celebrate Freedom Forever ! Mrs. Tompkins and Mrs. Sturtevant. Hurrah ! Hurrah ! [Delia appears >pn balcony with wraps; stands dumbfounded at scene below. Mrs. Tompkins. Delia, our wraps ! Delia. Yis, mum. [Descends stairs. Mrs. Tompkins. [With heroic determination.] Come, officer, do your duty ! [Takes wraps from Delia, and begins prepa- rations for departure. Sturtevant. Good Lord, Tompkins ! 226 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Tompkins. This'll never do ! Sturtevant.. Angelica, my love — — Mrs. Sturtevant. [Using lorgnettes.] What man is this? Tompkins. Viola, my pet Mrs. Tompkins. [To Mr. Tompkins.] Where have I met you before ? Sturtevant. [To Officer.] See here, this Has gone far enough. [Delia looks from one to the other in be- wilderment. Mus. Tompkins and Mrs. Sturtevant continue with preparations to depart. Tompkins. [To Officer.] We can't liave our wives going to jail. [Goes to table with Sturtevant and Officer.] How much is this bond? [Both men produce large rolls of money and go through pantomime of settling up.] Wait a minute, girls. [Mrs. Tompkins and Mrs. Sturtevant walk down stage so relieved they appear exhausted; Woman Inspector watches two groups in amusement. SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 22/ Mrs. Tompkins. [Soito voce.] Never did I take such chances. At last I have found the pyschological moment with Tompkins. Mrs. Sturtevant. My dear, you've won the day. Mrs. Tompkins. And the only man I ever loved. [Putting finger on lips.] But he mustn't know it. Ssh ! Sturtevant. [To Officer.] There you are. Settle it all up to-morrow. First Officer. [Gathering tip papers and money.] That's all, sir. Very sorry to have caused you all this trouble. Tompkins. Don't mention it. First Officer. No, sir, I won't. Good-night. Woman Inspector. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] My heartiest congratula- tions. Mrs. Tompkins. [Shaking hands warmly.] Thank you. [Sotto voce.] I've learned my lesson. Never again, be- lieve me. [To Mrs. Sturtevant in louder voice.] Such cruelty is incredible ! [Exeunt Officers. 228 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW Tompkins. [Pleadingly.] Now, Viola ! Sturtevant. [Pleadingly.] Angelica, my love! Mrs. Sturtevant. [Magnanimously.] Shall we forgive them, Viola? Mrs. Tompkins. [In same spirit.] Yes, dear, let us not harbor re- venge. [Both women fall into arms of their wait- ing husbands.] Nick — [looking up sweetly into face of Tompkins] will you marry me? Tompkins. We've never been divorced, dearest. Mrs. Tompkins. And we'll go back to Brooklyn. Tompkins. My darling! And you shall wear whatever you please. Delia. [From staircase landing. Looking heaven- wards. ] The Lord be praised ! CURTAIN MUCH ADO ABOUT BETTY A Comedy in Three Acts By Walter Ben Hare Ten male, twelve female characters, or seven males and seven females by doubling. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two easy interiors. Plays a full evening. Betty, a moving picture star, going south on a vacation, loses her memory from the shock of a railway accident, and is identilied as a rival, Violet Ostrich, from a hand-bag that she carries. In this char- acter she encounters the real Violet, who has just eloped with Ned O'Hare, and mixes things up sadly both for herself and the young couple. An exceptionally bright, clever and effective play that can be highly recom- mended. Good Negro, Irish and eccentric comedy parts. Price, 25 cents CHARACTERS Lin Leonard, Betty's one best bet. Ethel Kohler, a high-school admirer Major Jartree, of Wichita, not only of Betty. bent, but crooked. Violet Ostrich, a film favorite, Ned's Ned O'Hare, a jolly young honeymooner. bride. Mr. E. Z. Ostrich, ivho has written a Mrs. K. M. Diqgins, .1 guest at the Hotel wonderful picture-play. Poinsettia. Dr. McNutt, solid ivory from the neck up. Daffodil Diggins, her daughter, "Yes, Jim Wiles, a high-school senior. Mamma ! " Archie, a black bell-boy at the Hotel Miss Chizzle, one of the North Georgia Poinsettia. Chizzles. Officer Riley, who always does his duty. Pearlie Brown, Violet's maid, a widow Officer Dug an, fi-om the Emerald Isle. of ebon hue. Mr. Ebesezee O'Hare, a sick man and "Violet, Violet Ostrich's little girl aged a submerged tenth. seven. Mrs. Ebenezer O'Hare, "Birdie," the Diamond, Pearlie' 1 s little girl aged six other nine-tenths. and Aunt Wtnnie, Betty's chaperone. Betty, the star of the 3Iovagraph Co. Lizzie Mon/. han, Betty's maid,ivith a vivid imagination. Jartree may double Dugan ; Ned-may double Riley ; Jim may double Archie ; Mrs. O'Hare may double Ethel ; Aunt Winnie may double Pearlie and Lizzie may double Miss Chizzle, thus reducing the cast to seven males and seven fe- males. The two children have no lines to speak. SYNOPSIS Act I. Betty's apartments near New York. Married in haste. Act IT. Parlor D of the Hotel Poinsettia, Palm Beech, Fla. Three days later. Betty loses her memory. Act in. Same scene as Act II. A full honeymoon. JUST A LITTLE MISTAKE A Comedy in One Act By Elizabeth Gale One male, five female characters, or can be played by all girls. Cos- tumes, modern; scenery, an easy interior. Plays forty minutes. Mrs. Ball receives a cablegram from her sister Lucy staling that Jerry will arrive that day and begging her to be cordial. Mrs. Ball then goes out to hire a cook, leaving three young friends to receive the unknown . guest. The cook, sent down from the agency in haste, is greeted and entertained as Jerry and when the real Jerry (Miss Geraldine Take) ar- rives she is sent out to the kitchen. After considerable confusion and ex- citement she is discovered to be the "Little Miss Take." Strongly rec- ommended. Price, 2J cents LEAVE IT TO POLLY A Comedy in Two Acts By Gladys Ruth Bridgham Eleven female characters. Costumes, modern ; scene, an easy interior, Plays an hour and a half. Miss Priscilla Kitten, the principal, has to leave her school Hallowe'en night, having forbidden any Hallowe'en cele- brations. The irrepressible Polly not only manages to evade this prohi- bition, but is even assisted in her revolt by the principal's sister, who is taken for another expected visitor, and who finally saves the situation. Very lively and amusing, and strongly recommended. Irish comedy part. Price, 25 cents CHARACTERS Miss Priscilla Kitten, principal. Miss Bedelia Kitten, her sister. Miss Octavia Harding, instructor. Annie, the maid. Marion Esterbrook 1 Hilda Mason ~ . c , ,., ., . Lillian Martin < >»«"*• Should be played Ina Sinclair ^ §£ h about f° urteen Vivian Winthrop ! or fif ieen y ears M Mary Ann Meredith ("Polly") J The Burglar. RING-AROUND-A-ROSIE A Comedy in One Act By Gladys Ruth Bridgham Two males, two females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an interior. Plays forty -five minutes. Joe Phipps loses a lot of money on a horse named Katrina to Smith, the uncle of his fiancee, and in trying to get out of this scrape runs into a perfect cloud of Smiths and Katrinas, is thrown over by his lady love, and generally tangled up. His brother's wife finally straightens things out. Bright, laughable and of good tone. Can be recommended. Price, ij cents PETER A Farce in One Act By Harry Osborne One male, two females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays twenty minutes. Jenny captures a burglar in her house and finds that he has only come to steal her aunt's Angora cat that she hates. She is on the point of setting him free with the cat in a basket when her aunt appears. The burglar introduces himself as a cat fancier which so wins aunty that she sends her niece to get Peter, her Angora, to show him. While she is gone the burglar sells the aunt her own cat. A rapid bit of nonsense fulJ #f laughs and movement, Prke, sj cent* A REGIMENT OF TWO A Farcical Comedy in Three Acts by Anthony E. Wills. Six males, four females. Modern costumes. Scene, an interior, the same for all three acts. Plays a full evening. A lively, up to-date farce., easy to pro- duce and full of laughs from beginning to end. All the parts good — no small ones. German comedy characters for both male and female, and <1 wild west " character part and English character comedy. Strongly lecom mended. Price y 23 cents MISS BUZBY'S BOARDERS A Comedy in Three Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Five male, six fe- male characters. Costumes, modern; scenery, two easy interiors. Plays two hours. In a lighter vein than this writer's other pieces, but just as 3trong, and offers plenty of comedy. All the parts good ; four call for strong acting. Several good character parts and effective heavy character. Dialogue especially good. A sure hit. Price, 2j cents VALLEY FARM A Drama in Four Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Six males, six females. Scenery, two interiors and an exterior. Costumes, modern. An admirable play for amateurs, very sympathetic in theme, and with lots of good parts. Hetty is a strong lead, and Perry Deane and Silas great parts ; while Azariah, Lizy Ann Tucker and Verbena are full of fun. Plays a full evening. Price, 23 cents THE MISSING MISS MILLER A Comedy in Three Acts by Harold A. Clarke. Six males, five fe« males. Scenery, two interiors ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. A bright and up-to-date farce comedy of the liveliest type. All the parts good ; full of opportunity for all hands. Easy to produce and strongly recommended. Good tone ; might answer for schools, but is a sure hit for amateur theatricals. Professional stage rights reserved. Price, 25 cents OUT OF TOWN A Comedy in Three Acts by Bell Elliot Palmer. Three males, five fe- males. Scene, an interior, the same for all three acts; costumes, modem. Plays an hour and a half. A clever and interesting comedy, very easy to produce and recommended for amateur performance. All the parts good. A safe piece for a fastidious audience, as its theme and treatment are alike beyond reproach. Price, 25 cents GADSBYS GIRLS A Farce in Three Acts by Bertha Currier Porter. Five males, four fe< males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an exterior and an interior. Plays an hour and a half. An exceptionally bright and vivacious little piece, full •f action. Gadsby's adventures with the fiancees of three of his friends are full of interest and fun. All the parts good. Well suited for high school performance. Price, 23 cents KRISS KRINGLE'S PANORAMA Of Pantomimes, Tableaux, Readings, Recitations, Illustrated Poems, Music, etc. This is a compendium of materialTor the celebration of Christmas in school, hall, or at home. The selections are carefully made and skillfully employed and arranged, so that variety and novelty may be given to al- most any length of programme made up from its matter. Price, ij cents ORIGINAL ENTERTAINMENTS AND BURLESQUES By George M. Baker Six clever burlesques and specialty entertainments for amateur the- atricals or for lyceum entertainers. Bright and amusing, and can be recommended. CONTENTS Too Late for the Train. 2 males. The Peddler of Very-Nice. 7 males. An Original Idea. 1 male, 1 female. Snow= Bound. 3 males, 1 female. Capuletta. 3 males, 1 female. Bon=Bons. 3 males, 1 female. An attractive collection of popular pieces. Price, jo cents BAKER'S SCHOOL ENTERTAINMENTS By George M. Baker Nine entertainments for school exhibitions and graduating exercises. CONTENTS The Voyage of Life. Nine girls and chorus. The Tournament of Idylcourt. Twenty girls. The Sculptor's Triumph. One boy, five girls. The Rival Poets. Two boys. The Revolt of the Bees. Nine girls. The War of the Roses. Nine girls. Lightheart's Pilgrimage. Eleven girls. The Seven Ages. Eight boys, three girls. Visions of Freedom. Eighteen girls. Several published separately at 15 cents each. Price, jo cents PARLOR VARIETIES By E. E. Brewster, and others Eighteen dialogues for school or home performance, comprising many popular items. This book is made up from the three volumes formerly known as Parlor Varieties, Parts I, II, III, and offers an unusual volume and variety of material. Pric ■*, jo cents ALIAS BROWN A Satirical Farce in Three Acts By E. J. Whisler Eleven males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. Plays two hours. Keeler, fearing arrest for participation in a glove con- test in Sacramento, adopts the name of a cigar salesman, Brown, whose card he finds in the train, and flees to Reno. Too' late he finds Brown to be named as the corespondent in a divorce suit brought by Mr. Logan against his wife, and that Mr. and Mrs. Logan and Mary Gilbert, the girl of his heart, are all on the ground. His troubles are many, but he finds a way out of them. Good rapid farce and very funny. Price, 2j) cents CHARACTERS Mr. James Logan, a young married man. Age about twenty-five. Quick tempered. Mr. Mortimer, "Mrs. Mortimer s husband" not subdued, but submerged. Age about forty. John Brown, a cigar salesman. Age about forty. A practical business man with no frills. Somewhat bald and a little gray. Vincent Allgood, the hotel clerk ( Nufced). Montmorency, a bell hop. Henry Keeler, a young man of about thirty. A gentleman of leisure, and a good fellow. Billy Newcomb, a newspaper reporter. Alert and on the job. La Rue, the chief of police. A little heavy mentally, but persistent and faithful. Mr. Thomas Richie, a good-hearted, but weak young fellow, of about twenty four. Lee Waters, a theatrical manager. Pompous and much inclined to rim things. Rastus, a porter. Mary Gilbert, a public stenographer. Age about twenty-five. A practical, sensible girl. Mrs. Marie Logan, a young married woman. Age about twenty- two. Mrs. Beatrice Mortimer, an actress. Age about forty-five. Mrs. John Brown, about forty years old. Very mild ?nannered, a little old-fashioned. Mrs. Thomas Richie, age about twenty. A flighty little thing, frivolous, but affectio7iate. A FULL HOUSE A Farce in One Act By Dorothy Waldo Three males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays thirty minutes. Mrs. Jinks, who keeps a boarding house, gets two applicants for her second floor front mixed, and manages by accident to Straighten out a tangled love affair. Full of laughs. Recommended. Price, ig cents THE PEDDLER OF HEARTS A Play for Young People By Gertrude Kneveh Eight boys, six girls and chorus. Scenery, two exteriors, veiy easyj costumes, fancy. Plays an hour. On the day of betrothal of Belrose, the Elf King, disguised as a Peddler of Hearts, arrives in Herzimwald, offer- ing to exchange his gilded baubles for their real flesh and blood hearts. He tricks every one save Gretel, the Goose Girl, who lacks the necessary penny, and when the Prince, Belrose's lover, arrives he finds his beloved bewitched and the holiday gaiety of the town changed to gloom. The unselfish courage of Gretel and her boy lover finally prevail to lift the spell and Herzimwald gets back again its warm, happy flesh and blooa hearts. Very good and strongly recommended. Price, 25 cents THE TROUBLING OF BETHESDA POOL A Comedy in Two Acts Mrs. George F. Bancroft Two males, twelve females. Scene, an interior; costumes, old-fash- ioned. Plays fifty minutes. Bethesda, living single and alone as the re- sult of a quarrel with a youthful lover, Buckstone Bradford, learns that Nan, his daughter by another woman, is being opposed in a love affair by the same selfish will that ruined her own happiness. She takes a hand, plans a successful elopement for the young couple, and ends by marrying the irate father. Very good and strongly r commended. Price, 25 cents THE BLOW-UP OF ALGERNON BLOW A Farce in Two Acts By Vance M. Criss Eight males. Scene, an interior ; costumes, modern. Plays thirty-five minutes. Blow, who " knows it all " and who has told big stories of ad- venture in all parts of the world, is finally entrapped into fighting a duel with Hannibal Jones. He puts up a fair bluff at first but Jones' reputa- tion and a few reminders of what might happen finally lead him to own up and back down. Price, 13 cents THE PRIM MISS PERKINS A Sketch in One Act By Harry La Marr One male, one female. Scene, an interior ; costumes, modern, Playa twenty minutes. Huldah Perkins advertises for a husband, ?n<\ Martin Muldoon, a tramp, answers, but ends by not answering at all, and Huldah marries Martin Witherspoon. Very swift and funny j a capital sketch, Price s 23 cents y********'" Males Females Time Price Rotaltt The Americana II «# hrs. 25c Free 1 Anita's Trial II 2 «( 25C 11 4 Art Clubs are Trumps 12 % «( 25C •< Behind the Scenes 12 *& <( 25C m 1 The Camp Fire Girls «5 2 II 25C M 4 A Case for Sherlock Holmes IO *& <« 25c <« The Farmerette 7 2 <« 25C 44 1 Getting the Range 8 y <( 25C <« 4 Her First Assignment IO 1 « ISC II Hitty's Service Flag ii iX it 25c 41 H Joint Owners in Spain 4 * « 25C #5.00 Free A A King's Daughter ii 2 II 25C The Knitting Club Meets 9 % « 25C 11 1 A Lady to Call 3 X II I5C 11 4 Leave it to Polly ii «# it 25C 11 j The Minute Man *3 *x it 25C <« i Miss Fearless & Co. IO 2 it 25C 44 4 A Modern Cinderella 16 «# it 2SC II j Moth-Balls 3 % ii 25C 41 i Rebecca's Triumph 16 2 it 25C II 4 The Thirteenth Star 9 "# it 25c