CLIPPED WINGS; OR, BIRDS OF PASSAGE. A COMIC CONCOCTION IN THREE ACTS. BY FENNIMORE ^HARRISON. NEW ORLEANS 1882. CLIPPED WINGS; OR, BIRDS OF PASSAGE. A COMIC CONCOCTION IN THREE ACTS. BY FENNIMORE H NEW OBLEANS 1882. ,H 3S COPYRIGHTED, 1882, BY FENN1MORE HARRISON. TMPSfc-OOo^ 10 CLIPPED WINGS; UH. BIRDS OF PASSAGE. A COMIC CONCOCTION IN THREE ACTS. DRAMATIS PERSONS. WILLIAM WARSAW A Dispenser of "Infallible Remedies.' CAPTAIN JEN KINS... His Friend— Editor of the Stock and Trade Journal, LouisviUe. COUSIN LUCY, ) „.,.„„ V Benighted Iravellers. COUSIN FRED, J SANDY Owner of the " Little York " Inn. GRACE ...His Daughter. HEZEKIEL KENT - The Circuit Rider- PHIL SLY, Vagabonds from Colorado. BILLY SHARP, ALECK CLIDE ... The Constable, Sheriff, Posse, Villagers, Fair People, Strangers, Etc. SCENE— The Hall of Sandy's Inn. near Fairville, Kij.—on the Ohio Time: Fair Week. In the middle of the hall is the supper table half set ; on a I counter is the register lying r pen, and near it is a box of cigars. Ln one corner is a strong iron chest, used by the innkeeper as a safe for articles of value. • Enter Sandy and Kent, talking. San:!}/. Ha! ha! ha! that was a piece of rascality. Of course. Parson, you saw the robber? Kent. No, Sandy, I did not. The room was dark, and tiie moment I discovered him hunting for the money, I gave the alarm, and he tied from the house. Sandy. Curse the scoundrel!— And so you wish me to take charge of this money of yours for a day or two— until you re turn from your trip in the country ? Kent. 1 do ; 1*11 have you take charge of it to-night, if you have no objection — Sandy. Oh. none in the world ! I'll call my daughter at once. {raps the floor and calls) My daughter !— She hears m , I believe. —Now, Parson. I'll record the amount in this a -count book of 3 mine — so read out. (takes the hook from his pocicet) Kent. It is eight thousand dollars in bills, wrapped up in this yellow cloth. The fact is, it's the money my brother left me in his will, aud which I received only yesterday — Sandy {writing). Very well, I have it. puts the hook into his pockety Egad, where's Grace '? (raps the floor and calls) Mj ♦laughter ! Enter Grace, quickly. Grace. Here, father ! Why you make the whole house echo ' with noise ! ' t Sandy. To be sure T do, when I can't find you !— Let me have the key of the chest, child. (Grace gives the key, and then attends * to the table briskly) Now, Parson, we'll lock it up. 5 Kent (locking the chest and retaining the key, unaivares). Ah, tbat will do ! it's safe there ! Sandy. And the thief that tried to rob you last night may come again if he likes, (the door opens, and Captain Jenkins appears at the threshold with a valise and an umbrella) Kent And leave as he came— empty-handed. Jenk (at the threshold). Pst! pst! my good man, can you tell me where I am ? Sandy. At Sandy's inn, the "Little York." Jenk. Myreg.rds! Sandy. Tbe same, sir. Jenk. I am Captain Jenkins ! — (a pause) — from Louisville, sir ! Grace. Oh h, dear! Sandy. Walk iu, Captain. Jenk. Will you oblige me with your register ! Sandy. I will, Captain, (they go to the counter) Jenk {registering; aloud). "Captain Jenkins, Stock aud Trade Journal, Louisville." Sandy. Stock and Trade, eh ? —Then you've come to attend tlie big cattle fair we are holding here now ? Jenk. I reckon I have. — My friend, be kind enough to take charge of this carpetbag for me, will you ? — don't let the rats get after it j Sandy. The rats ? How's that ? Jenk. There's a piece of cheese on the inside of it, sir. Sandy. A piece of cheese ? Why don't you take it out ? Jenk. I don't want to open the valise, sir. My grocer — con- found him— had the assurance to put into my carpetbag a lump of Limberger iustead of Switzer, for my lunch, and the passen- gers on the train avoid-; d me along the whole route! Sandy. I'll hang it up on this hook. Jenk Do so; (looking around) a splendid inn you have here! By the way, innkeeper, have you anything of a really tine qual- ity here?— anything you cau recommend yourself ?- You catch my meaning, of eourse? I Sa n dy. I think so, Captai 1 1 . Jenk. Bring me a bottle of it, will you, and a glass ? Sandy. Certainly ! (brings a bottle) "Now here's a bottle con- tainm' liquor made forty years ago. I consider I wouldn't take a fortune for it. It is something' extra, you see. (stares at Jen- kins as he •■pours it out) JmJc. I hope so. ( pours out slowly) Yes, I'm — er — I'm — the - er — big— gest — cat Sir, will you oblige me by turning y.mr back for a minute ? — big— gest cattle buyer and journalist in Louisville! (Jills to the brim) Grace. Oh h h !- Tra la la, tra la la ! Kent. They tell me, Captain, it's tolerable strong. Jenk. Tolerable strong? — Oh, no! oh, no! I rever go too far! make a note of it ! (drinks) Here is the bottle, inn- keeper. Very choice ! very choice ! Put it on my bill. Sandy (aside): Til do it! (here the door is thrown open with violence) Enter Phil Sly. Hit/. Help here ! help ! Boswell's barn's afire ! J.// Fire! {they run to the door) Sandy. Bring those buckets, daughter ! Hurry! (exit Grace) Sly. No time to wait, my friend ! They want you ! Come on ! {exit) Jenk. Why, the fellow is right, con found it, he is ! [Grace returns) Sandy. Boswell's barn, to be sure! {Sandy removes his coat and hangs it on the wall) Now, follow me, every one! (exeunt omnes, with the buckets) Enter Sharp, with a carpetbag (He mores about the room stealthily, and examines objects with care. Sees the chest.) Sharp. Ha! that money's here! (rcildly) Locked ! no key? ha! this coat! (goes into the pockets of Sandy's coat, and finds the account book: opens it) u |8000 of H. Kent's in the chest— yellow cloth." And we all but had it last night! We must have it. (attempts, to open the chpst. but fails) Phil!— why don't become? 7 Re-enter Sly. Sly. Come! out with that bag of money! I worked up this case. Sharp. Help yourself! it's in there, (points at the chest.) Sly. What ! not a doller? (goes behind the counter and taps the till.) • Sharp. Let me have half o' that, will you ? — Yes, but you must! I'll turn State's evidence, if you don't ! Sly. You set the barn afire ! Sharp. So'd you ! what'd yon do it fjr ? Sly. That's my bisuess ! 'Taint the first you've set afire, my friend, hear me? — Here, here's half the money. Now open that chest ! (they begin the attempt; presently the stage driver blows his horn) Sharp. Ha ! it's the stage ! (instantly seizes his carpetbag and disappears through a small window) Sly. Devil! (goes behind the counter, but presently rises and pulls off his coat) Odds the devil! I'll try the tavern bisness ! (puts on Sandy's coat and hat on the wall) Now I'm ready ! Enter Lucy and Fred, with Carpetbags. Lucy. Oh, what a cosy iuu, isn't it, cousin Fred ? Fred. Quite respectable, and here's the owner of it, too. Sly (with an elaborate bow). Welcome, my friends, welcome ! I hope to suit you. Lucy (aside). Dear me, what a queer landlord ! Fred Now, sir, where is your directory ? — I mean your regis- ter— (they go to the counter) Lucy. I do thiuk it is provoking to be detained this way ! Ever since we left uncle's "Belle Vue Place,'' that miserable stage has been creeping along and breaking down the whole way. And now we've missed the train, and will not get home to Louisville ha f so soon as we thought. Fred. There you are Is it all right? It's ouly for one night, you know : we take the train for Louisville in the morning. 8 Sly. There'll be no trouble about that, but there's one little item we haven't spoke about yet. Fred, What's that ? Sly. Terms alius in advance ! It's the regerlation here f< r people stay in' one night — (extending his hand) — Five dollers apiece, please ! % Lucy. Merciful heavens ! it is exorbitant ! Fred, By Cato ! I won't stand it ! you can't fool me, man ! Sly (with a shrug J. Well, the terms is first-class here — You must understand this hotel is bang- up with the times ! Fred, Bang up thunder ! You can't gull me! No, sir! What ought I to do, cousin Lucy ? Lucy. Oh, well then, let's pay it ! (Fred pays, muttering some- thing about "swindle?) Sly. Thanks — many thanks, (getting near the door) Now, my friends, just make yourselves at home — Fred. What, you are not going to leave us this way, are you ? Lucy. Indeed, sir, you must not ! Sly. I hate to do it, but you see — well— er — old man Boswell's barn's afire! Lucy and Fred Fire ! (here Fred carelessly leaves liis purse on the counter) Lucy. Oh, Fred, here is amusement in abundance ! Just think of it ! Come on, we will follow him ! jured (pleased). Well, it does come in nicely after that tedious ride, so lead the way, sir ! (exeunt) Ee-enter Sharp, with Carpetbag. Sharp. Now's my chance to get ahead of Phil Sly — Ha! these gripsacks, (seises Lucy's valise, which he tries to open, but finally cuts out one side with a knife) What's this? (takes out a night robe) Too long! — Ha! cut iu two, though, it'll make two shirts. (Puts it into his carpetbag) Good! — What's this— a book? (reads the title) Prayer — Book ! (tosses the valise aside and takes Jenkins's J) Cuts out one side) Humph! must have been hangin' up there sometime, (cuts out the other side) A pack o' cards — good ! (a sudden noise alarms him and he runs to the door) False alarm^ Billy, (takes Fred's) Oh, I'm a reg'lar ripsaw ! — a pair of shoes (measures the size by his own and shakes his head)— bunch o' let- ters — mooushine whiskey — good ! (puts the flask into his pocket) Ee-enter Sly, suddenly, with an axe. Sly. Come, show your hand ! what'd you get ? Sharp. A pack o' cards, a hymn-book and whiskey !— that's a lay-out, ain't it ? Sly (trying to secure the purse on the counter without being seen) It's the devil's outfit, sure's you're born ! Sharp (seeing him). Oh, no ! you can't do that! — Pull out that purse! you've got it! Sly. What purse? Sharp. Hand over half o' that purse, I say, or I'll turn State's evidence! — Take your choice! Sly. Well, wasn't I a-goin' to give you half, say ? Sharp. You didn't look like it. Sly. Here, here's half— keep the purse, too. Sharp. The purse? — oh, I'll put that in my gripsack — it'll do for a terbaccer bag. (does so.) Sly (gruffly). Come on now! we'll break that chest open. Sharp. An axe ! ha-a-a ! where'd you get it ? Sly. At the stable. —Move away, will you ? Sharp. Let it drive! Break the lock, man! — Ha a-a ! (as the lock is struck off] both men struggle to get possession of the chest.) Sly. Back ! will yon ? (tries the lid) Ha ! there's a spring loc v! Sharp (seizing the axe). Look out there ! (strikes at the lid; in a moment more they hear some one calling loudly outside, and this is followed by a rapping at the door. It is Warsaw just arrived in his buggy. Sharp instantly disappears, with his carpetbag, through the window) Sly (irresolute^. Devil! what's here?— we'll never get the money ! (runs behind the counter) io Enter Warsaw, somewhat irritated at the delay —carries two carpetbags and a fiddle. War See here, innkeeper, are you going to keep ine out here all night with these carpetbags ? I've stood at that door until I'm color-blind ! {Sly creeps through the door) The landlord's out, ot course! {raps the floor loudly) If lie's asleep, that noise will rouse a dormant alligator! {sits down) Ue enter Sly, pretending to be the innkeeper. Sly {affecting surprise). Oh! you— er— been — been waitiir here for me ? War. -So it seems. What is the matter ar< uud here, anyhow? Sly. Come on and I'll show you {takes him by the arm) There's biggest fir»*. you ever saw — War {rising quickly). Ah ! a fire? Oh, well, never mind about that : I'll remain here {sits down again). Sly {aside). The devil! he'd spoil the work! War. Let me have your name, will you ? Sly. My name ? Oh-h— Sandy ! War. Ever been in Colorado? {Sly starts) Sly. Me? — oh, no ! lived here twenty years. War. Your face bears a very striking resetnblmce to that of an old fellow I used to see out there occasionally — an inveterate old scoundrel he was, too ! Sly. H:i! ha! ha!— haa-a! War. VV hat ails you now ? Sly. The ideer of nu old landlord like me beiif took for :hat \ ha! ha! — ELive a oig.tr, Strang v ? {tht b>v ox tfie counter) War. Certainly I will ! and £ may add, I will try some of this wine also, if you have no objectiou. {sits down at tabic) Sly. Objectiou ? Oh, no ! none o' that in me. I'm not one o' your stingy red-headed tavern-keepe s ! — I'm goin' to join you myself {sits down at table in a sociable fashion) War. A very neat spread out, innkeeper, very neat, {lights the cigar) Fugh ! cant compliment your cigars ! What do they cost a million ? 11 Sly {eating voraciously). Them's smuggled. I'll give yo;i a ham! ful if you like 'em. War. No more lor me ! One's all I care for at a siusle sittiug . — But to come to business : Happening to be driving by just now in my buggy, it occurred to me to stop here for a night — perhaps for a week— it depends on circumstances. What about the health of this place ? Sly. Well, toler'ble so so. War (rising). Tolerable so so, is it ? Then I'll drive on to the next town. I don't waut a healthy place, mark me ! Sly. What's that?— Wait, what is your pertickler line ? War. My particular line?— My rriend, I am the authorized agent for the sale of Dr. Fleetwood's beneficent remedies— mark me, beneficent— Fleetwood's "Anti- Dandruff or Bald Man's Hope," the greatest hair-producer and dandruff eradicator ever discovered, supplemented by Fleetwood's "Nasal Catarrh Spe- cific," infallible tor catarrh, coughs, col 's, or incipient consump- tion, risk no other ! Sly. Oho ! you're a doctor then ?— Well, to come to the point, I think there is a good openin' for that sort o' bisuess around here; that is, just now. It'> fair time here, you see. War. So I understand, and thousands of people in town, too, no doubt. Sly. Thousands of 'em, and so it's my opinyun — now I give this from what I've seen— it's my opinyun, you can do a rousin' big bisness in a week's time ! War. Aha! I'll try the experiment, my friend. Put me down for a week's board, and no mistake ! (they go to the counter; War- saw registers) So that settles it, eh ? Sly. It settles the question— yes, sir, settles it, ban in' one little item. War. Eh ? Sly. Terms alius in. advance! It's the rule here at fair time, and so we'll close the bargain on ten dollars. War. Oh, strictly cash, is it ? Very well, write me out a 1-2 receipt there. (Sly writes it and delivers to War.) Signed "Sandy.'' That's right, (takes out a roll of bills, extends a ten- dollar bill, and as Sly puts out his hand to take it, Warsaiv sud- denly withdraws it, and eyes the tramp suspiciously) Well, sir ! I persist, my friend, you are the crudest looking specimen I've beh..ld in many a day! (Sly removes his hat to scratch his head) Baldheaded, too !— bald as an orchestra ." Sly. 1'se alius been so, stranger, alius. War. Always? Sly. Alius — born so! War. Ha ! a wise old head you've got, to be sure ! Let me examine that nob of yours, will you f (does so)— (aside) Aha! he needs it now. — Hold your head there a minute, old man, hold your head! (fakes from his valise a bottle of " Anti-Dandruff. , '') Sly (aside). Gieat devils ! what's he up to ? War (exhibiting the bottle) The only hope for bald heads ! With your permission, I shall rub some of this infallible r intment into your head to-night by way of experiment, and watch the results. Sly. What !— But— er— War. Warranted to make that bald nob of yours bristle like acocklebur! (removes the cork) Now, old man, I'm ready— hand me your head.— I repeat, hand me your head. Sly (leaning over the counter J. Let me look at the bottle a minnit, will you ? [examines it) War. Observe the baldheaded man in the picture there ; he's a young man and feels awkward. His hat's just blown off in the presence ot six young ladies.— Now turn the bottle a:ound , there's the same young man with a full suit of hair, standing under a window, serenading Dr. Fleetwood in his laboratory, ?G Maiden Lane ! — What do you think of it? Sly. Well, I'll take two of the bottles, and if it's got the abil- ity to start my hair to sproutin'? — War. Oh, it'll do it ! it'll do it ! But don't procrastinate ; make an early application to that glistening surface. 13 Sly. It's a bargain then. What's the cost? (puts the bottle on the coiinter) War. Fifty cents apiece, two for a dollar. Sly (repeating J. Two for a doller— doller? — dol— ? By the way, my Iriend, you've got to settle up your board bill yet ! No get- tin' out o' that ! (extending his hand) Ten dollers, if you. please ! War. Board-bill ?— Oh, the devil ! don't annoy me that way ! I ve changed my notions about it. Sly. But don't you owe the money, say ? « War My friend, quietly drop the subject, ii's disagreeable to me! Sly. Ha !— S War. Besides, I've -concluded to wait awhile, and not pay a bill I haven't contracted. It's only a business way of mine. Sly. I repeats, terms alius in advance! War. Sorry to disappoint you, but it can't be avoided to- night, (loud laughing heard outside) Sly (quickly reaching the window). You know what you are, e'l ? You're fhe biggest rascal in fown ! (shakes his Jist) Oh, I'll get even with you, young man ! (disappears through the window) War. Wha* ! (the door opens) Ha ! there's something the mat- ter here. Re-enter Lucy, Grace, and Fred somewhat excited ivith wine. Fred (walking up to Warsaw). Here he is— (to Grace)— Oh, no, he isn't ihe one ! War (aside). What does that young man mean ? (sees Lucy) All! Miss Lucy, I am very happy to meet you again! Lucy. Mr. Warsaw ! War. You are quite surprised. Lucy. Quite so ! -But what brings you to Fairville ? War. A great many tilings; but I think the fair chiefly at- tracted me. And so you are registered here, also? Lucy. Oil, 3'es, I am detained here till the morning. War. A very cosy inn we have, but a most detestable inn- keeper ! 14 Grace. Sir! (looks daggers) War. Pardon me, lady — Fred (taking her part)* What did you say, sir ? What did you say? War. What do you mean, sir ? Fred. I say, what did you say, sir ? War. Tut, don't interrupt me, my lad ! Fred. Lad!— Who's a lad ? Who? War. Sh ! be quiet, will you ? You make too much noise. Fred. What ! You can't suppress me ! No, sir ! — What ought I to do, cousin Lucj' ? Lucy. Eeally, my dear cousiu, you are quite ridiculous to- night! Be more composed. I fear you drank too much cham- pagne at the fire. War (aside). Champagne aud fire ! — There's a dead loss for me. Fred. Too much? Why the old gentleman gave Grace and myself (hie) one bottle— that's all — for putting out ihe fire — Where is my valise? — Ahf this will do. (takes up the bottle of u Anti-Dandruff''' on the counter and a glass) Grace. Yes, ouly one, Miss Lucy, and it's very chilly to night! War (observing ± red) Stop, my friend, don't drink that. Put that bottle down '. Fred. Well ! how clever you are ! You really amuse me. War. Glad to hear it. Fred. Have you got any objection to my enjoying myself? War. No, not the slightest — go ahead — drink the whole bot- tle — it's medicine — Fred (astonished). Medicine !— Tut, I don't want this ; I have something of my own ! AVhere is my valise ? (takes it) Ha ! what fiend — Hades ! — look here, cousin Lucy ! Lucy. Oh, dear ! where is mine ? Grace. Why, certainly very strange! I wish father would return. Lucy. Oh, horror! what does this mean ? 15 War. Thieves, I'll warrant. Fred. My flask —ha! everything upset! Lucy. What in the world has become of my— my — my — War. What, Miss Lucy, what ? Lucy. My — my — oh-h-h ! (nightrobe) War (aside). Innocent, but charming ! (the door opens) Ha ! Captain Jenkins, as I live ! Re-enter Sandy, assisting Jenkins, who has "gone too far.'''' Jenk (simulating perfect sobriety). Who spoke? (hie) Confound it! I heard my name.— Ha! you Warsaw, old fellow, (hie) you don't observe anything peculiar about me, do you? War. Why, nothing, Captain, nothing whatever, except you are remarkably sober. Jenk. I am. This surprise, old fellow, enables me— confound it ! — to pledge with you ! (pours a little in Warsaw's glass and Jills his own) War. Whee ugh! — intensely warm ! Jenk (eyeing him). Oh, no ! oh, no ! I never go too far ! Make a note of it ! (they drink) Lucy (to Grace). Accommodations ? Indeed ! we have already arranged with the landlord. Sandy. What landlord, Miss? Fred. Yes, we secured our rooms at once, and I advise you to be quick about getting yours ! Sandy. Beg your pardon, friends, but you are laborin' under a mistake. Lucy. Indeed ! how presumptious, Fr.d ! Fred. Eidiculous ! what do you all know about it, anyhow ? Sandy. I am the owner of the inn, strangers ! War. Ha ! — Are there any more ? Fred. Great snakes! Who is the other owner then ? Lucy. Mercy on us ! Here — look— see - Wh it does all this mean 1 (shows the valises) Sandy. What! — My daughter — Grace come u ere ! — No — (goes to the till) 1G Grace. I don't know anything about it, father. Sanely. Thieves ! thieves ! All. Thieves ! (Sandy glances around the room and singles out Warsaw. He taps him upon the shoulder) War. Well, sir, what'll you have ? Sandy. How'd you come here ? War. I came in a buggy. Sandy. Now, see here, we want to know something about :his money that's missin'. War. You do? — Well, as^ the man who gave me tins receipt — a fellow wearing a neat black coat and a brand new felt hat. Sandy (looking for the hat and coat on the wall). Ha ! is that so? Lucy. Oh, yes. sir, I remember him well, (to Sandy) This gentleman is surely not to blame. Sandy. Aha ! that's it? We've been robbed by a rascal of a tramp ! - Aha-a ! Lucy. The mean fellow ! Fred. Well, sir ! it's extraordinary that he shoutd have gulled me! Jenlc. Amazing audacity ! War (seizing his caipctbags). See here, innkeepe , Tin going to retiief.om the scenes. You'll find my horse ami buggy out in the yard ; give him plenty ot corn. Now point me to my room. 1 have had enough lunacy to night; I have enjoyed your private asylum very much, and so has Jenkins — Jenlc. I have, sir ! No more for me ! Fred (Jrantically) By Cato ! the purse! the purse! I'm robbed ! Somebody has picked my pockets ! Oh-h ! Sandy. Ha! impossible! Jjucy screams, and fainting away, is supported by Warsaw, while Sandy makes to the chest.) 'Curtain J 17 ACT II. SCENE I :— The Fair Grounds. On a tree is the following notice : NOTICE!! #200 Revva.d for the arrest of the Incendiary, or Incendiaries, who destroyed my barn on the night of September 20th. DAVID BOS WELL, lwner. Enter Warsaw in his buggy, followed by a motley crowd of vil- lagers, negroes and Fair people with baskets. Toward the close of the speech, Sharp appears with his carpetbag, and engages in a side talk with Aleck Glide, who happens to be present. War (rising). Here we are, my friends, and no mistake about it. I'm a-going to make your hair stand up and your eyes pop out in a few minutes ; I'm a-going' to work a few miracles around here just for amusement. But before I do so, I want to say that this is the finest country I've ever visited, and certainly the best looking crowd I've ever gazed upon. And that's not half. Look at the flourishing condition of this district, look at it! And what's the cause of it all? Why, it's all owing + o the qual- ity of the people that live here, the thriftiest on the face of the globe ! And I may add likewise that I'm greatly interested in the political welfare of this country ; for I cannot but believe that the Independent candidate for Congress from this district is an insufferable rascal (applause) —thanks — a scamp totally unfit to be seen in the great drawing-room of Uncle Sam at the capital of this country ! Rascality is broadcast, of course — from Patagonia to the Navy Department. But mark me, friends, I make exceptions. On reflection, there is an honest man here aud there, at irregular intervals, and I'm a-going to stud right here and proclaim to the world, firmly but modestly, that skill, perseverance and hon- esty have enabled me for one to bring before the public of Fair- ville the most dazzling discovery of the nineteenth century — Fleetwood's celebrated "Anti Dandruff, or Bald Man's Hope,'' the greatest hair-producer and dandruff eradicate* ever dis- covered ! Risk uo other ! Yes, my colored friend right over there, it will take the kinks* out of your woolly head and make your hair as straight as broom straw ! First Wegro. What's dat, boss? Lord massy, man, gimme er bottle! {exit negro with a bottle) War. Fifty cents each, two for a dollar. Go home and be happy. The gentleman right over here takes another! Don't be afraid but come forward. Any baldheads in this crowd, just hand 'em over this way — warranted to make a bald head bristle lik<> a cocklebur. One minute,sir. Yes, sir, it'll suit yon so well, my friend, you won't live without it. Try it, and you'll be the happiest man among your horses, goats and hogs that ever lived here! Hogs did I say ? Hogs it was, and if I can't illuminate your cra- ni urns on the subject of that animal, I'll retract e. ery thing I've said So wal c close and listen, for I'm going to begin right off. Twas the beautiful country a.ound Little Rock, my friends, where the g astly tragedy happened The whole place was just alive with those brush-wood batteries called wasp-nests, and 't wasn't long before I discovered one hanging to a sprig of a blackberry bush— don't forget that — six or seven bushes were grouped around it, and suddenly I perceived a oig lurking about there earning his living, whose inquisitive faculties had been hugely developed. Presently he drifted over toward the black- berries, and began to poke, his way through the bushes on his tour of investigation. He went about it like a Committee of Congress after fraud, and in a moment more drew up before the wasp. nest and sniffed the air. He eyed the battery and grunted. 1 looked— aha! I saw. him open his mouth to take in the tempt- ing bait. He fork it in: he also took in the situation. And *At the close of the war, a mountebank from the North bottled water from the Mississippi, and sold it to the negroes in Arkansas under the above guarantee. As this incident is oommon property, I have incorporated it here, for the sake of illustrating some types of the character. 19 then he left the place, I observed, with six wasps clinging to the end of his snout, besides two that had gone up his nostrils, which they had mistaken for a dirt-dauber's nest. He had eight. And now he began to disappear, and I may add, flung dim dis- tance behind him — 'Twas no use, however, for although the pig passed the ten-mile post under a full head of steam, it was evi- dent that those two wasps were still snugly at work up his nos- trils. He was travelling at a fearful velocity, for it was observed that k?8 shadow did not keep pace with him, but was at least half a league to the aft of him. On he fled, and as he hove in sight of the forty-mile post, he was still travelling at the ordi- nary velocity of a society scandal. And then he stopped sud- denly— a stream of water was across his path — a moment's re- flection, however — in he plunged, and as he pulled out on the opposite bank, it was evident he showed signs of wear aud tear. A kindly farmer who was at work on that side, took the pig in charge, and having ascertained the matter, filled his nostrds with gunpowder, and blew out the lemnants of the wasps. Even after this treatment, the ungrateful pig was not happy, for he grew sedate, declined in health, and died subsequently of Nasal Catarrh, tint insidious enemy of the human race, for which, by the way, Dr. Fleetwood has discovered an infallible remedy — mark me, infallible — Fleetwood's "Nasal Catarrh Specitiic," risk no other! For colds in the head, coughs, nasal catarrh, or in- cipient consumption, I'll stake my earthly possessions on this remedy against a drug store, and defy the head clerk to com- pound an equal ! Remember, gentlemen, sold under an abso- lute guarantee as a specific, and a hundred dollars reward offered for a case of incurable catarrh ! The gentleman right here takes the first bottle, and the next goes right here. Don't be modest, but come to the front ! Yes, sir, in a minute — it'll suit your case exactly, aud 't won't be any time before you'll come back to me aud crave the medicine ! Take the booties home to your families and be happy. Has everybody got a bottle? — Everybody has got one— keep the corks well in, and now, my friends, if you'll n > walk right over yonder to that circus tent, the big' black mon- key will amuse you for the rest of the time ! {exit crowd quickly) Aleck (to Sharp w.ho has been quietly watching Warsaw)i This way, sir; the doctor is goin' to the inn, and I'll get you the seat as 1 promised, in his buggy, {they go to the buggy, Sharp leaving. his, carpetbag belli ml) Doctor, you'll oblige me by givin' this gen- tleman a lift along the \v;iy. I promised Sandy to send him any guests 1 could, (exit) War. (let in. my friend, (does so, forgetting his carpetbag, Presently Lucy appears) Enter Lucy! Lucy. Why, good evening ! Such a charming walk I've had ! War. Ard such a delightful accident, Miss Lucy ! You must by all means drive back with me. Lucy. Oh, it will be charming. I accept. War. Permit me to assist you in. Are you a good driver? Lucy. Excellent! Do yon remember the drive we took in Louisville sometime ago? War. Perfectly ! (seeing Sharp) Ah !— My friend, isn't that your carpetbag out there? Why don't you jump out and get it ? Sharp. Mine? Where's the bag? — () yes! I'd forgot tlie thing, (he gets out and walks leisurely to the carpetbag) War (seizing the opportunity). Come up! St. Julien ! Sharp (turning about). Hey! stop there! Stop! (runs after the buggy) SCENE II— A deep forest road along the Ohio. On a tree is the following notice: NOTICE !! SviOO Reward for the arrest of the Incendiary, or Incendiaries, who destroyed my barn on the night of September 20th. DAVID BOSWELL, Owner. Enter Sharp, in hot pursuit. Sharp. Hold up there! — Devil a way to do ! (sees sonic one) Ha! who's that! 21 Bnteb Sly. Sly. Keep coo!, my friend, it's me! I'm alius on your track. Sharp. You needn't to be followin' me around. I'll give you half, man. Sly. That's what I want, you hear? — Now what's your plan? Sharp. I've got the promise of a job at the country circus that's just put up at the Fair Grounds, where I helped to pitch the tent, and so I'm goin' to sail under that name at the inn. Ilow'll that go? Sly. It may do, but care's the thing. You'll hud the peo- ple up there simple enough, barrin' that man Warsaw— Look out for him ! Sharp. Oh, I'll k-;ep my eye on him, be cert'n of that! I've go my plans fixed up tor him. Sly. And you can count on my bein' around there, too, to- night, you hear? Sharp. Well, you needn't to be peepin' around! I'm a-goiu' to that inn o' my own accord, and I reckon I can get along with- out you. (exit) Sly. I reckon you can, but you'll not ! (sees the notice) Two hundred dollars! So tbere's a reward out? (seriously) A reward! Ha! that's a dangerous sign [—dangerous ! Fool! he'd better keep out of this! Quick! and I may stop him ! (runs) Ha! too late! he's with somebody! He'll go there anyhow!- Fool ! I'm lost if he turns State's evidence at the inn ! (reflecting) I'll go ! I'll leave the country ! — But the money ! the money ! he'll get it!— oh, I'll have the money myself, or turn State's evidence at the inn ! Ha ! ha! ha ! (exit) SCENE III— The grounds ah/tut tin' Inn. — A wood-saw and a horse sup- porting a log of wood, an' some distance in front of the building. Enter Fred, running from the door to the saw, which he begins to use rigorously Enter Sandy, a minute after ward. Sandy (aside). Egad, I believe he's been kissing my daughter! I'm certain of it! (goes toward Fred, who hops over the horse for safety) Fred. A h, 'tis you, Sandy ! I couldn't imagine at first who it was walking behind me. Sandy. Yes, it's me, and how do you like sawing- wood? Fred. Oh, couldn't enjoy anything more this charming weather ! You see, we college fellows don't get the opportunity often. Sandy (slyly). Glad to hear it; I've always said I wouldn't let any man marry my daughter until he had the grit to saw three or four cords ot wood on the stretch — Fred. Wha: ! (aside) I betray myself! Sandy. Just to see what he is. — Now wait, you can't saw that way; it's upside down. Fred. Oho! it's a cranky tiling anyway. Sandy. There. — Now, when you've finished sawing up that splinter, just walk right around there to the stable, you'll find two or three cords — help yourself! Fred. Thanks — a splinter — four cords ! — well, isn't he an amusing monster? (here Grace creeps up behind him, a straw in her hand) Grace is a charming little c^zzrr^ to be sure, and i half way believe I'm in love with hep. (she tickles his ear and he slaps) But the strangest part of it is. that 1 should have exhibited the symptoms first! (slaps) Generally I get the ad- vantage (slaps) — Wonder if the old man's in earnest about those four cords? (slaps) Hope I won't have the nightmare over it to- night, (slaps vigorously) By Cato ! where is that fly? — oh, you charming creature! -Tickle me some more! Grave. Ha ! ha ! ha ! —what were you talking about ! Fred. Come, let me tell you, Grace. Grace (coming nearer). Well, tell me. Fred. Come closer, please. Grace. Well— Fred. Oh, that isn't close enough, Grace ! Grace. Now then — Fred. A little too far off yet ; I want to whisper, please. Grace. Oh-h-h ! Fred (putting his arm around her, and taking her hand in his). Now, put your ear very close— oh, you are looking ! (kisses her) Fred. Ifow Fred, what did you do that for !— I'm mad with you ! Sandy (inside). My daughter ! Daughter ! • Grace. Good-bye ! Tra la la ! tra la la ! {exit; Fred saws wood vigorously) Enter Lucy and Warsaw, in the buggy. War. Hallo! my young friend, where's the hostler? Fred. I'll take charge of the racer if you have no objection. I'll drive down to the fair. Lucy. Now don't let him run away with you, cousin Fred. Enter Jenkins, in a great rush, his vest half on and his coat over his arm. Jenk. Hey there! pst! pst! Stop that buggy ! (to Warsaw) My regards ! War {seizing him), What's the matter, Captain ? Jenk. A telegram, sir, from Louisville for a drove of fifty short horns and the balance in hogs ! (runs on, and suddenly confronts Sharp. They scan each other) My regards ! (exeunt Jenk, and Fred, in the buggy) Enter Grace, with a letter. Grace. Here is a letter for you, Miss Lucy. Lucy. A letter for me f — Away I go! (hastens to the door) War. But — clou't forget your promise. Lucy. Oh, never ! (exit) Grace (seeing Sharp). Dear me ! there is a stranger yonder ! Perhaps he wants board. War. I think he does ; go and see your father. Do me the kindness to leave this bag of mine just inside the door as you enter, will you f Grace. Certairly ! (exit with the valise) ■1 1 War (to Sharp). Well, my friend, I'm sorry you changed your mind and concluded not to go with. us. Sharp. Yes, so 'm 1; but I managed to get a lift along the load after all. That's my style o' doin' bigness! War. You're a man of energy then ? Sharp. We-11, 1 go by that name. War. And what is your particular style of business at present? Sharp. Well, I happen to be in the circus bisness just now.. We lay over everything in that line War. So I judge. Sharp. And I reckon I know somethin' about country circ'ses, too; we're goin" to make things bilin' hot around here in that line. War (dropping his handkerchief unawares). So I judge, (aside) He's peculiar, to say the least, (exit) Sharp (picking an the handkerchief). I'll make use ot this d're.'tly. "Twon't take me long to make Sandy believe the owner of it's a rascal. ( puts it into his pocket) Enter Sandy. Sand//. Is it board you want, sir? Sliar/i. Yes. I want the best room you have left. Sand//. You shall have it. sir. Sharp. I happen to be in the circus bisness just now. We've just pitched the biggest tent at the fair grounds Sandy. Aha I— -Let me pat //oar carpetbag just inside the door here {does so) Sharp. Thanks. Yes, we're just in from the up-country. Didn't make much money up there on account of the beastly rascals lnrkin' around. Why. just before we left, the treas'rer of the show was beat out o' fifty dollars by a scoundrel named — let me see— named Warsaw. Sandy. What! Sharp. Yes — that's his name, sells some sort o' medicine. Sand//. Death and the devil ! he's here ! in my inn ! Sharp. Ha! is that so ?— Well, I beg your pardou for— for — 35 Sandy. No, no ; egad, I've had my eye on hiui for some time ! — (aside) Wonder if he didn't work in league with that rascal the other night ? Sharp. Well, it's not as bad as I thought ; you'll know how to do now. Now I'm goiu' on back to the fair for a time, so you'll please fix that room of mine right off, won't you *? Sandy. To be sure, >'llgo this very minute ! (exit) Sharp (chuckling to himself) He's knocked off his guard al- ready ! (looks around cautiously and then goes stealthily to the inn door) Now's my chance to try that chest, and empty the till at the same time! Ill do it! (enters the inn; finds the chest closed. He empties the till, leaves Warsaw's handkerchief behind the counter by way of circumstantial evidence, and returns quickly with the money in his hand) Ten dollars from the tilL (shaking his head) The chest's no go! It'll have to come .open, and I'll make him do it, too, before night! (sees someone in the yard) Ha ! what devil's this in the yard ? Enter Kent, just returned — a valise and an umbrella in his hand Kent. Good day, my friend; may I enquire if Sandy's to be found at the inn ? Sharp (gruffly). No! goue out ! Kent I have a message I'd like to leave for him — his daugh- ter here? Sharp. No ! all gone out ! Kent (fumbling with a note). Well, I'd like very much to leave this note. It relates to — to — to some money ot mine, and I can't wait long. Sharp. Some money ? — (interested) Well what's your occupa- tion ? your bisness ? Kent. I'm kuown hereabouts as the circuit rider — Sharp. Ha ! circus-rider ? Kent. You puzzle me, sir. Sharp. Well, I'm in the same bisuess myself. Kent. Bless you, what's your name, brother ? Sharp (with a leer). Eh ? 26 Kent. Your name ? Sharp. Oh, iny name ? — it's Sharp. Kent. Brother Sharp ! receive my welcome ! (shakes his hand) /Sharp. Humph ! — this bangs the bush ! Kent. Does what, my brother ? Sharp. Bangs the bush. — But tell me what's that got to do with this money of yours ? Kent. Very true, very true ; I have been sorely vexed about money of late. I even dream about it : on one side are thieves and robbers, and on the other deception and fraud, so that it's hard to tell what's good or what's bad, or what money's sound, or wha:'s counterfeit. Sharp. You're right now. Kent. But really I forgot to ask you what denomination you like, or prefers. Any preference ? Sharp. Don't make much difference to me about the denomi- nations, legal tender's good enough for me. Kent (puzzled). Legal tender? Sharp. Say what you please about gold and silver, green- backs is the kind o' money to have in this country ! Kent. No, no, I don't meau that, I mean your denomination, your creed. Sharp. Say, look here, what are you talkin about ? what are you up to ? what's your name ? Kent. Oh, I didn't tell you that ! My name is Kent. Sharp. Kent!— ha! (extending his hand) Brother Kent! how are you? (they shake hands) O yes ! O yes!— Let me hand your note to Sandy ! Kent. Thank you! thank you! just deliver this note to San- dy, and also (searching his pockets) this key to his chest, which 1 took the other night unawares. Sharp. A key ! — ha ! yes, I'll take it ! (Kent delivers both) Now don't let me keep you here, you're in a great hurry, I know ! Kent. I am, but — ah ! here is Sandy now ! So let me have the key! Sharp. The key !— oh— er- er — the key ? -you want to — er — oh, yes ! here it is ! {delivers it) Enter Sandy. Sandy. Ah, Parson, you have come for that yellow cloth. (Sharp listens eagerly) Kent Well, not that exactly. I have come rather to deliver the key I took from you, and also to ask you to keep the legacy during this week, as I find I have to leave town off and on for the next few days, (hands the key) Sandy. Very well, very well, it's safe in the chest. You may be assured, no mortal beiug shall have this (the key) for one second ! Kent. I believe you, Saudy, so good day to you all ! (exit) Sharp. Well, sir, I'm just back from the fair. Is the room ready ? ( Aleck appears in the yard) Sandy. It's in good order now, and I think you'll like it. — But here comes the constable. — This way, Aleck. Enter Aleck. Aleck. Good day to you all. (to Sharp) So you found the inn ? Sharp. Yes, had no trouble about it. (looking around) It's a fine place. Aleck. Firstrate ! — You'll find Saudy the best landlord in the State. And by tbe way, Sandy, I sent this stranger to your inn in preference to the other one. Sharp. Yes, he did recommend me to come here, seein' I was a stranger Sandy. Much obliged to you, Aleck ; I hope to repay you sometime, (to Sharp) Now, sir, would you like to see your room? Sharp. Yes, we"ll all go and see it. Aleck. No. excuse me ; I only dropped in to say a word to Sandy about you. I must be off to court, (exit) Sandy. Just follow me. (they enter; in passing behind the 28 counter, Sandy finds the handkerchief, and they return quickly to examine it in the light) Egad, what's this doing behind my counter ? Sharp. It looks like a handkerchief. Sandy. W onder whose it is ? Sharp. Ain't it got a name ?— Yes, there it is on the corner. Sandy. Let me see— War — saw — ha ! the devil ! (runs behind the counter and returns quickly) The scoundrel ! he's robbed my till! Sharp. What! — Get the constable then ! (rushes back into the yard — by way of pretence) Sandy. Stop there! — (aside) Aha ! I'll watch that man ! (points at Sharp) Egad, I'll watch them both! — But Aleck! — Aleck sent him here ! 1 11 wait then; I'll lay a trap for Warsaw and see! (Sharp returns) This way, sir; follow me. (exit) Sharp. It goes well. I'll have that chest open by night, and once my hand's on the money, I'll leave for Texas ! (exit) Enter Warsaw, in the background— walks forward briskly. At the same moment Grace appears, standing in the door. War (seeing her). Ah, Grace, will you please bring my car- petbag here ? You will find it jnst inside the door there. Grace. Certainly ! (goes to get it) War. I see Jenkins coming up the road with my buggy, and I find it necessary to return to the fair for a time. I understand, from a reliable source, that a certain party is out there selling a compound — spurious, of course — calculated to injure the reputa- tion of my firm. I'm going to meet him in the arena. (Grace puts the carpetbag at his feet) Ah, thanks ! Here is a pretty rose for you, Grace. Grace. Oh, thank you, sir ! War. Now don't let Fred know that I gave it to you ! Grace (surprised) Oh h h ! — hush ! — I will tell Miss Lacy, though ! (exit quickly) 39 War. Ha! I must be off! {seizes the carpetbag) Why, how is this? She has brought me Sharp's carpetbag! Sharp's? — Something peculiar about that fellow. Heavy, too ! (shakes it) Exceedingly heavy ! It must be full of solid gold ! Ah-h ! it has jolted open !— Ha! what does this mean — hay in a carpet- bag? (takes some out) Confound it! brickbats, too ! (takes some out) Aha! more rascality about, eh? Enter Jenkins, in the background. Jink. Pstlpst! this way, Warsaw, this way! T have Some- thing beautiful to show you. War. Well, what is it? Jenk. A magnificent Berkshire hog — -just brought him up. War. I'll come over presently. Jenk. Ob, I have him right here, right here in the stable — extraordinary object ! War. How in the name of sense did you get him up here? Jenk. Brought him up in the buggy y man. War. V\ hat ! Jenk. The finest specimen you ever saw ! War. A Berkshire hog in my buggy ? Jenk. Oh, you'll get over it, you'll get over it when you see him. > War. I hope I will ; but come here, Captain, I have some- thing much more wonderful to show you — Observe this hay — look at these brickbats 1— miraculous carpetbag ! What do you think of it? Jenk. The owner, siv, must be a scoundrel! That's clear enough ! War. A nd I suppose you are ready at any time to make it hot for him ? Jenk. I am, sir. But let us be perfectly quiet about it for the present, I'll go now and load iny revolver, (exit) War. And I'll continue the investigation — a brick — another brick — some hay — a stone — an old shoe — all empty ? — No, what is this?— A pocketbook ! Aha! I'll take charge of this myselt. SO ( puts it into his pocket) Here's a mystery. However, these nntjgs must go back as they were, {while he is putting them back, Lucy appears in the yard, with a letter in her hand, and regards him with much astonishment) Let me see- just inside the door here, (replaces it, and turns around) Ah ! quite a delightful sur- prise, to be sure ! Lucy, Well, what in the world were you doing? (drops the letter) War. 1 ? Oh, nothing, nothing a*, all ! Lucy Yes, but I insist, you were very busy with somebody's carpetbag, and I want to know, too. War. Just like a girl ! wants to know everything, and you shall. I was — you see — engaged then, Lucy— engaged in — well, in examining some geological specimens, about which J will tell you presently, (picks up the letter) So you have heard from somebody t Lucy. Oh, yes, a most charming letter — (aside) from home ! War (suspicious). A charming letter! girls are always receiv- ing charming letters \- (aside) I half suspect her. (reads it) Lucy. Oh ! but you must not read it ! War. Why ? Do you object ? Lucy. Well, you had better not. So indelicate, you know. War (aside). I have it!— (gives her the letter coolly) Here is your letter, Lucy! (walks off) Lucy. Well, what now ? You are not jealous I hope ? — Read it then ! Here, William ; — here it is— Oh, William ! please take ,t! Now, it is more than you would do. (gives it) War. You only think so, Lucy, (glances over the letter) Lucy. Now are you satisfied ? You wouldn't permit anyone to look at your letters and correspondence, would you ? War. I ? Lucy, you may have them all if you want ! — any- thing — everything — all I've got ! Lucy. You will ? Honor bright ? War. Lucy, you may have my bauk book if you want ! 31 Lucy. Very well, sir, I will pat you to the test, tt isn't in the nature of a uiau to show a wife his correspondence. War. How ignorant you are of men ! Women still cling to that notion. Lucy. Now come he.e. What letter is this I see in your pocket here ? {takes it out herself) War. That is from an old friend of mine, a former clerk in a big dry goods house. Afterward he became a runner — he's a runner still. Lucy. Indeed ! where is he ? War. Rusticating in France. He wants to know if it is time to come home yet. Lucy. And what is this, pray? {takes out a travelling flask) War. That? oh, that— don't take the stopper out, Lucy, it's nothing but medicine — cures snake bites. Lucy. Medicine? — How often are you snake bitten ? War. It's chronic with me ! Lucy Indeed! how you must suffer! — Well, here is another letter. War. No, that is a poem of mine, called "Springtime,'' written, I believe, on the first of April, and submitted to the South American Review. The editor didn't like it, but I'll read it to you after awhile. Lucy. Very well, I shall be sure to remind you of it. I'm very fond of nonsense ! War. Thank youl — (aside) Singular taste for a girl, (puts it away) Lucy. And here is— (aside) a purse ! Strange ! it is the purse that was lost !— Oh, William ! William! you have been false ! War. False ! — Oh, no! it cannot be ! Lucy. Am I wrong !— My purse!— No ! you are false ! What proves your treachery but this ? War. I care not for the purse ! There's no treachery in me ! 32 ACT III. SCENE -.—The Inn Parlor. Time: Night of the same day. Enter Jenkins, with a pistol in his hand. Jenk. Well, I believe I am ready.— Ah ! not here. This is Warsaw exactly ; wheu you waut him, you cau't find him. ( puts his hand to his ear) I hear him coming now. No, it is our land- lord ! I must be cautious, (puts the pistol away) Enter Sandy, talking aloud to himself. Sandy. No! no! it won't do! Ieau'c have it! — Plague me ! I am vexed to death. — This marriage won't do ! Jenk. What marriage? Sandy (sutprised). Ah ! — I- er — I meant my daughter's mar- riage to tbis young man. Jenk. And why not, friend Sandy ? I understand that Fred is quite well off in the world — Sandy. Well off? — (aside) I didn't know that. Jenk. If I am not mistaken, he is an only son, and has money as well as lands — Sandy. Ha ! is that so, Captain ? Jenk. I vouch for the statement, sir. Sandy (aside). I've been too hasty the. 1 . Jenk. Besides, sir, it would be pleasant to arrange two mar- riages on the same day, wouldn't it ? Sandy. Two? You are not thinking of marrying, Captain? Jenk. Oh, no! oh, no! lam sufficiently married already ! — I was referring to our friend Warsaw, who has resolved to move to the city with his bride, and -it my solicitation, accept a half interest in the journal which 1 have established there. But re- ally I must see him at once, (exit) Sandy. Aha ! what now ? what now ? -Egad ! I'll watch this man Sharp ! Though there's no reason for it, still I'll do it, spite of Aleck. 'Gad I have it ! I'll lay a trap for both, and make sure to catch the guilty one ! Ha! ha! ha! — Meantime (searches his pockets) this money of Kent's (takes it out as Sharp appears 33 at the door) is safer, perhaps, in some deeper pocket of ray coat. — Plague the chest ! I'd tather trust myself to-night. Now Fll go and fix that — ah ! (sees Sharp entering) walk iu ! (smiles) Sharp (in a lotc voice). Come, we'll carry out that scheme. Sandy. I am ready, (slyly) Are you willing to join me now? Sharp. Oh, down with the rascal! down with him! But hold a minnit ; here's a couple o' dollers o' mine, put 'em in the till with yours, just to make it a little more temptin'. Sandy (surprised; aside) Egad, I'll do it !— Thanks ; I'll be buck in a trice, (exit) Sharp. Ha! there's somethin* evil iu his look! I'll watch him closely now. That money's on him: I know it! And if Phil Sly's at his post directly, we'll make short work of him ! Re-enter Sandy. Sandy. I have it fixed for him now. Sharp. So then we'd better take a walk in the yard, or the lane, just to give him a chance at it. Sandy. Very well, we'll do so. (exeunt) Enter Fred, hurriedly. Fred. What, nobody here ! I begin to suspect something. Ah ! I hear somebody in the next room, (exit) Reenter Sandy, suddenly, much excited, folio wed by Sharp. Sandy. Ha ! who was that ? (grasps a light and looks out) A robber, I'll warrant ! sharp. A robber 1 I saw nobody. Sandy, it is gone ! — No, Fll not walk to-night. Some ruffian's on the watch ! Sharp. Some ruffian? Oh, no ! you're mistaken — Let's see. (grasps his arm) Sandy (bluntly). No ! I'll not go, I say ! —not a step ! Sharp. Stay then ! (slyly) Maybe it was the man you're tryiu to eaten ! Sandy. Ha ! I'll go and see !— (aside) Dog me, I wish Parson Kent would keep his own money ! (exit) 34 Sharp. Damned lack! Piiil was too quick, and the man saw him ! But we'll have that money yet / (exit) Enter Grace, tiptoe Grace. I wonder what all this mystery is about"? Strange! Father is sullen ard silent ; Mr. Jenkins is loading a pistol-^1 saw him !— and Miss Lucy and Mr. Warsaw are talking, talking, talking, all to themselves ! And poor Fred, too— dear me, I shal die of curiosity! (a noise) What was that? (goes to the door) It is Miss Lncy and Mi. Warsaw, I do believe ! Oh, now is my chance to find out! Quick! where shall I hide? — This closet — just the place — splendid idea! (enters) Enter Fred, tiptoe. Fred. Well ! this is a queer state of affairs — everybody gone to talking secrets ! Why, cousin Lucy won't let me come near her at all — always sending me off on some errand. I can't even get a ihinute's interview with Sandy ; and the consequence is, I don't know anything about anybody. (d~ noise) What was that? (goes to the door) It is cousin Lucy and her confidant coming here ! — Happy idea ! I will conceal myself and listen ! Where shall I hide? [rushes around the room) Ha! a closet! (rushes into the closet ; Grace screams and they rush out) Grace. ()li-ii ! Fred! Fred. Oh-h ! (trace ! — sorry I came out now. Grace. Now what did you do that for, Fred? Fred. I — I— I was hiding from cousin Lucy — Grace. Oh, wfcll then, let us hide ! (Fred enters the closet, and Grace reflects a moment) This sofa ! (goes behind it) Enter Lucy and Warsaw, in search of some one. Lucy. They are not here. Does h.; suspect you ? War (putting his hand to his ear). Hush ! I hear their voices ! If I am not mistaken, these men are incendiaries" — Lucy. Incendiaries ? War. It would seem so. We shall see, however, when Aleck comes ; we have some clue at least. 35 Lucy. And Sandy? War. Will discover how tightly his eyes have been shut. But come, I can't imagine where Jenkins is. {exeunt) Enter Grace and Fred, tiptoe. Grace. Gracious me, Fred ! Fred. Incendiaries ! Grace. Give the alarm I Fred Sh ! not now ! Grace. I am fainting, Fred — Fred. Let me kiss you then ! Grace. No-o !— to-morrow ! (exeunt). (Here the door is pushed half open, and Sly appears about to enter, but suddenly withdraws, as Jenkins enters at another door.) Enter Jenkins, covered with cobwebs. Jenk. Useless! useless! Perfectly useless! I'll just sit down here and wait till Warsaw comes ! Here I've been groping around these premises in the darkness all for nothing ! Finally 1 fell into the wine-cellar, among the bottles and barrels, and came near spending the night down there, (the door opens) Ah, here he is now. Enter Warsaw. War. Well, Captain, where in the world have you been ? Jenk. Been in the cellar.— Brush these cobwebs off my back, will yon ? War. I'll do so. —I understand, Captain, that you have noti- fied your paper about the business arrangement we have entered into. Jenk. I have, sir ; everything has been attended to.— But to the point ; when do you intend to seize this rascal ? War. We shall experiment with his corpse as soon as pos- sible. Jenl: Aha ! — And what process do you suggest for his cap- ture ? War. I would suggest, sir, the ''instantaneous process !" Jenk. Very good ; now then let us go and find Aleck, the 30 constable; he has come at last— nearly an hour behind his promise ! Every door, sir, must be watched. By the way, Warsaw, I have some money of Sandy's which I took from his till just now for safety. I'd better take charge of it for the present. War. Excellent idea, Captain ! That scoundrel Sharp might have stolen it. Now let us see Aleek at once, (eveitnt). Enter Sharp, with a bewildered countenance. Sharp. Si ng'Ier thing! That money's all gone— not a doller in the till! There's somethin' wrong, sure ! Ah, here's Sandy. Well, what luck? Enter Sandy, reflecting. Sandy. lie's here in the house. — (suddenly) Was ever such rascality in a man's house? Why it equals Boswell's over- seer, sir — Sharp (astonished). How's that? Sandy. I'll tell you. About six years ago, old Boswel 1 , whose barn was burned the other night, had an overseer named Phil Sly, the grandest scoundrel in the country ! Well, sir, Boswell was constantly missiu' some of his fine cattle, and couldn't account for it in any way. No-v what do you think was going on all the time ? Sharp What? Sandy. Why, darn me, that rascally overseer of his was sellin' the cattle secretly, and pocketin' the money at the same time ! Sharp. Ha ! ha ! ha !— and he got loose ? Sandy. You're wrong there ! Boswell had him sent to Frank- fort tor three years, hard labor ! Sharp. Aha! hard labor!— (suddenly) But the money, my friend, the money, is it gone ? Sandy (eyeing him intently). Gone? I'll wager anything the till has been emptied long ago. What think you ? Sharp. Go ahead and see for yourself. Sandy. Wait here awhile, (goes off to one side) aside) If that money's gone, I'll settle the question about him in a trice! (points at Sharp; exit) Enter Sly, quickly. Sly. Out with that money, my friend ! You hear ? Sharp. Ha ! You needn't be watchin' me ! 1*11 give you half, man. Sly. You're a dead man if you don't ! Sharp. Who says so ? Sly. I ! That money's mine ! Sharp. Come! leave this room ! {Sly stands immovable) Don't you hear those footst-ps? (Sly goes to the door quickly) Stop! Hide in that closet there, and wait till I call you ! Be quick, man ! Sly. This game's about even, but you can t get ahead of me, Billy ! (enters the closet) Re-enter Sandy, in a passion. Sandy. Gone ! not a dollar left ! Sharp. Ha a ! I said so ! What now ! Sandy (grasping his arm) Come! I'll show you, and quickly too ! Follow me, sir! (drags him along forcibly) Sharp. Follow you ? What for ? Sandy. To denounce this man to his face, and send him from these doors! Sharp (recoiling). Ha! not now! oh, no! you can't do that ! Sandy (furious). O, psh - w! you're a thief and a coward, sir ! Sharp. Fool! (springs upon Him) Help here! (enter Sly; a struggle ensues, and Sandy is hurled against the ivall and falls senseless upon the floor. The money secured, the men rush for the door, which instantly flies open.) War (with a pistol). Drop that money! (aery of disappoint- ment from the men; they rush to another door) Jeiik (with a pistol) Back ! you ruffians ! {Aleck and Fred rush in with pistols, and the men, seeing the constable, drop the money) Sharp. State's evi— (fellrd by Sly) 88 8ly. That man set the house afire ! You can't escape ! Aleck. Ha ! Phil Sly as I live ! Enter Sheriff, Posse, and Kent just returned from Ms day's journey. At the same time Lucy and Grace appear at another door. War. The Sheriff! the Sheriff! LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 016 103 639 >'