qassJB33St?sr, Book-_.AS3J_5:R5 i^oa Si.U Rhymes Roughly Rendered And $ Other Scraps $ By T. J. CaLiTipbell Austin, Texa.s ''..,. A. C. B&ldwin ®. Sons, Printers, Austin Copyrighted. THE LIBRARY <#F CONGRESS, Two Copies Receiveo APR. 30 1902 OOPYRI«MT ENTRY CLA88 c^XXa No, COPY B. ^ ^^C^ As^f^f^^ ir^a. DEDICATORY. To the officers and ex-officers of the Austin Police Force, and the night reporters of the Austin Daily Newspapers, with whom the author was so long and so pleasantly associated, this little book is most respectfully dedicated. INTRODUCTORY. These pages were, for the most part^ written to relieve the tedium of the long niglit watches while the writer was night clerk at the Police Sta- tion, and were not intended for pul)lication. Persuasion by perhaps too partial friends, and the necessity for obtaining a few dollars to "keep the wolf from the door," prompts me now to inflict them upon a long-suifering public. Conscious of the many defects in this little l30ok, in style, matter and composition, it is with great diffidence that I thrust it before an intelligent com- munity. But if it has no other merit in is hoped it will be like the yankee peddler's r^ors — do to sell. Claiming no literary excellence for the book, if it should serve to amuse for a short while some tired individual and incidently bring me in a few shekels, it will have accomplished all that is hoped for it. Some of the pieces in this book have been published in the local papers over the nom de plume B. L. Clampe, which is an anagram of my own name. So if in reading this book you should come across an old acquaintance do not conclude that you have run across a plagiarism — it is only a re- print of one of my own compositions. The Author. RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS PREFATORY, Whoop a la! I've writ a book, And Baldwin's goin' to print it— (I hope the people will not let This honest man repent it.) The typos — they must all be paid, Likewise the paper maker, And if the book cannot be sold He cannot pay his baker. So, friends, come now to his relief— When chilled upon, just buy it. You cannot tell if it is good Until you buy and try it; And should the book not come up to Your highest expectation, Don't throw it down and cry "oh, fudge,'* And vote it a vexation. The cost to you is very small, (Only half a dollar) So don't be hypercritical And get hot in the collar, But rally at the printer's call— And buy the whole edition. The writer's and the printer's hopes Will then bear full fruition. The Author. RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 9 UNCLE JERRY, There is fact enough in these "Uncle Jerry" stories, that any one who knew the old darkey will recognize them readily, and the fiction that is introduced is intended only to give color and zest to them. When I was a small boy, I was in the habit of "going to stay all night" with some boys about my own age (one a year older, and one a year younger) whose father owned a number of negroes, one of whom was called Jerry— called by all the small boys in the neighborhood, "Uncle Jerry." When the nights were too cold for us to be out on the lawn, or in the road romping and playing, we would go to Uncle Jerry's house and listen to his marvelous tales of "hairbreadth scapes" from "ghostesses," "spirits," and hobgoblins by reason of his "charm," which he always carried about his person as as amulet or talisman to protect him from unseen enemies, by which his disordered im- agination peopled the earth, air and water. One of Uncle Jerry's stories ran something like this: "When Marse Wils'n 'n Miss Milly 'uz fust mar- ried I uz gub ter dey's caze me 'n Marse Wils'n uz 10 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS raise' boys tergedder; 'n hunted de coon an' dc possum tergedder in der Tagger (Tygur) bottoms, 'n uz lak bruders, mos, Marse Wils'n an' Miss Milly done raobe inter dey's new house wot me 'n Marse Wils'n bil't fon dem 'foah dey's marrered. We made one crap, an' 'long bout de fus' Novem- ber, Marse Wils'n hab er 'hoi heap er hawgs dat run up on Glassy MOunt'n, whar dey's plenty ches- nuts, hick'y nuts 'n akorns, an' de hawgs git fat; Marse Wils'n go out ebbery ebenin an' call pigee! pigee! pigee! loud lak, an' dem hawgs dey come runnin' an' squealin' lak mad, caze des knowed dey's gwine ter git cawn fob dey suppah. One ebenin, w'en I's toten' in de wood ter mak' de fiah in the mawnin, Marse Wils'n come in, an' he say Jerry, you see any fen' dat big, black 'n white barrer. Hebbens an' yeath, littel fellers, *f I was'nt skeared. I say — dat un dat got de kink in he tail? He say yes; de bigges 'n fattes un in de hull drobe. I say no, Marse Wils'n, I clah foh God I aint seed nuffin ob him. Marse Wils'n he luk at me shahp lak, but he diden say nuffin, 'n he say, I 'ants yer to go up on de mount'n 'n de mawnin an' luk foh him, I 'ants tu put dem all up in de pen RHYMES AND OtttER SCRAPS 11 puttj sune, 'n gib em some cawn ter hahd^n dey's fat *n kill em de fus cold spell. I say yes Marse Wils'n, I staht foah day, Marse Wils'n he luk at me ergin shahp lak, but he diddensay nuffin, on'ny he say, no Jerry, you need'n staht foah day, 'twill be time ernuff tu go atter breakfus. I say, yes Marse Wils'n, I go atter brekfus den. An' I jist goed outer dat room quick's litenin, case I seed Marse Wils'n done 'spichun me ob stealin dat hawg. So nex mawnin, atter I gits de bosses an' de cows's an' de oxens all fed an' wattered, I goed in an' gits my brekfus, an' atter brekfus I stahts up de Glassy mount'n ter luk fur dat hawg— I habs to go erfut, caze yer knows dat mount'ns's so steep an' rocky dat no boss kin trabble ober it. I gets up on de mount'n, I does, an' I habs ter walk 'roun' or putty heap, case 't wuzc so col', but bymeby de sun gits up putty high an' de win' it lied, an' it git soht o' wahm, an' I lied down in de sun ter res, caze I knowed it wahn no use ter hunt for dat hawg,:caze I done kill dat hawg an' skun him dn' sell de meat an' buy de gal wot I uz gwine wid er bran* new leggun bonnit, an atter dat she 12 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS frow me ober an' tuk up wid de triflins' no coun' knock-kneed, pidgin toed nigger on Tagger, an dat's de resin I ain' neber git marrered; 'n I don* 'ten' ter needer, caze dey ain' no pendence ter be put inter none of 'em— black ner white— none, cept Miss Milly. She er monsous fine ooman. Wot she says is so, wheder 't's »o er no Wile I's lyin dar in de sun ersleep I dremp er dream, an' de dream it say, wake up Jerry, yer gwine ter hab trubble, 'n I wake up 'n it wuz plumb pitch dahk, an' all tur onst de britcs kin* ob a light shine roun' me, an' I luk up an' I seed a big ball ob fiah in de sky, wid er stream er spahks flyin behin' it 's long 's f m heah ter de big house, 'n it uz comin right 'twards me, 'n I jis tech mah chahen, an' I say, Obi man, 'f ebber yer gwine ter do any fin' for Jerry, now's yer time, an I seed de Obi man er comin' an' he mak' er grab at dat ball ob fire, and it tu'n inter de debbil; an' Obi man grab de debbil, and de debbil grab de Obi man, an' dey rassel an' rassel, an' rassel dar in de sky, an* 't long las' Obi man git de debbil by de nap ob de neck an'de seat ob de britchis and he fling him ker- biflfergin de side ob old Glassy Mount'n, an it RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 13 mak' er nize lak de loudis kin ob a cannin, an' de brimston it stink lak— lak— lak eberyting. God zounds f m hebbens an' yeath 'n HI feller if I wahn' skeahed!! huh! er race boss could'n er cotch me! er buUit could 'n er cotch me! er streak of litenin could'n er cotch me! 't wuz erbout free miles f m wher I wuz ter de house, an' I jis run an jump up on de p'azzer floah, an' I fall down ker blim! plum zausticated. Marse Wils'n he settin in de ruhm er readin'. Marse Wils'n alius er mough- ty han ter read. He's settin dar er readin' an' he heah me fall.'on de floah, an' he say, who dat? I diden say nuffin, caze I wuz too tiah'ed an' skeah'd ter say nuffin, *n Marse Wils'n cum'd out on de p'az- zer an' he luk at me, an' he say, wot's de mattah, Jerry? 'n I diden' say nuflin yit, 'n Marse Wils'n he cum'd an' he tuhn'd me ober an' say ergin— wots de mattah, Jerry? 'n by dis time I soht er gits mah bref, an' I say— Oh Marse Wils'n I dun steal dat hawg an' de debbil he cum'd atter me fob it, an' de Obi man he sabe me, an' now ain' neber a gwine ter steal no moah, an' Ize erg wine ter be er good nigger, 'n git 'ligion an' jine de meetin House, 14 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS Marse Wils'n hejis laf lak, an' he say, I fink yer ben 'fishuntly punish fer dis, Jerry, b't 'f ebber yer steal anodder hawg f'm me, I'll skin yer erlibe. Note — There used to be a tradition, some years before I was born, that a huge meteor passed over that country, striking on the side of Glassy mountain, and it was probably this that Jerry saw and heard, and superstitious terrors and fervid imagination had conjured up the Obi man, *'de debbil" and their "Rasscl in dc sky." UNCLE JERRY AS MENTOR FOR BOYS. After a time, Jerry ^'got his Sperence,*^ and "jined de Baptis meetin* house," and lived, I sup- pose, according to his light, a consistent member of the church, and as near a christian as his know- ledge would permit. He was a strict observer o^ the Sabbath, and very severe in his denunciation of Sabbath breakers, and when we boys would go to his cabin at night he would lecture us on the manner of lives w e should live if we expected to grow up good citizens; respected like "me 'n Marse Wils'n." One night he gave us a special lecture on the subject of going fishing on Sunday, and told us ^ RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 15 story to ''Point the Moral," which ran something like this, though no "cold type" can do justice to the story as Jerry told it. One would have to see his eyes roll and hear the solemn tones in which he would chant the words that he made the ^'voices'* use to **Sambo.^' "I knowed a boy dat lived down on Tyger — (he called it Tagger) dat was de wussest, triflin', no 'count nigger in de hull kentry. Ebbery Sun'nay ob de worl', he' tak' he fish 'ook an goed ter de ribber an' fish. One Sun'nay mawnin' he gits up bright an' airly, an' dig he som' wurms, an' staht to Tagger ribber ter fish, an' when he gits ter de big hole, he heah a voice come up outen dewotter, an' de voice say: Lingo, lingo hey ho, here de place Sambo. Sambo stop, an' lissun, an' de voice say: Lingo, lingo hey ho, put on yer bait Sambo, Sambo, he put on he bait, den de voice say Lingo, lingo hey ho, drop in yer hook Sambo, Sambo he drap in he hook, den de voice say. Lingo, lingo hey ho, pull me out Sambo, Sambo, pull, an' he pull, an' he pull, an' fiDtch out de bigges' fish ebber cotch outen Tagger rib- ber, den de voice ergin, (dis time outen de fish) Lingo, lingo hey ho, tak' me home Sambo, 16 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS Sambo, he tak' de fish home, den de fish say ergin, Lingo, lingo hey ho, clean me clean. Sambo, Sambo, he scrape dat fish clean, an' he tak' out he intrals, an' de voice say, Lingo, lingo hey ho, put on de pan Sambo, Sambo, he put on de pan, an' de voice say. Lingo, lingo hey ho, cook me done Sambo, Sambo, he cook him brown, den de voice say. Lingo, lingo hey ho, eat me up Sambo. Sambo, he eat him up, an' he ain' no mo' 'n got dat fish eat up afoa he gind ter hab de wussest pain in he stummick er nigger ebber hab in dis worl', he jist roll on de floah, an' he kick, an' he holler t'll yer could heah him two mile, an' bymeby de debbel come outer dat boy an' tak' him straight off ter hell, an' dats de way he gwine ter do all de boys wat go fishin on Sun'nay. Note — Sambo did go fishing on Sunday as Jerry said, and caught alargefish, andkept it out of the water until it spoiled, and when he ate it, he took cholera morbus and died, and Jerry's fancy gave the fish the "voice," and fitted in the other details of the tragedy. X, UNCLE JERRY AS A SEEKER AFTER RELI- GION, Far be it from me to ridicule any honest seeker RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 17 of religion, however humble or ignorant he may be; but some of Jerry's ideas and expressions as related to us, were so original and unique that ,1 am constrained to record them. After Jerry's experience with the ''Obi man'' and "de debbel," as related in a former story, he .be- came a devout seeker after religion. There was a "Union meeting house" not far from where Jerry's master lived, where Baptists, Methodists, Presbyterians and Episcopalians held services on alternate Sundays in each month . Jerry, attired in his "Sunday, gotomeetin' " clothes, was a regular attendant on all the services, or the most of them, at all events, and was greatly ''pestered'' about which "kin' o' 'ligion was de right kin'." Those were the days when a preacher felt that he had not done his duty by his congregation if he had not treated it to a good, strong dish of doctrinal pabulum, at each day's service, and many and fierce were the controversies about "Election and Reprobation," "Free Will" and "Baptism," waged in that little church. One Sunday afternoon Jerry went up to the "big house" and asked his Mistress to read some- 18 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS thing from the bible to him, because, as he said, "dey's a hc-ap kin's 'ligion in de worl' yer know, Miss Milly, an' I 'ants ter git de rightkin, cazedey caiii' .'ill ])c right yer know, an' de bibul sho to say wich kin's right." Ilis Mistress was a Baptist, and a "vv/se wo- man,'' and she read to him about John the Bap- tist, ])reaching in the wilderness. After she had read awhile about John the Baptist, Jerry ex- claimed, **Now, read sumfin 'bout John de Mefo- dis', Miss Milly." "There is nothing in the bible about John the Methodist," she said. *'Wot, nuffin 'bout John deMefodis'inde bibul?" he exclaimed, "den dey's ligion 's no 'coun' 1 specs, caze if 't was any 'coun' dey'd be sumfin in de bibul M)out John de Mefodis'. I ain gwine ter git no Mefodis' 'ligion, den. Well, read me sumfin 'bout John de Piscopalium den." "There is no John the Episcopalian mentioned in the bible, Jerry." "No Johnde Piscopalium, needder?" "No Jerry." "Well, read me sumfin 'bout John de Prisbyterium." "There is no John the Presbyterian mentioned in the bible." "Wot, no John de Mefodis', no John de Piscopalium, no John de Prisbyterium! Well ! well ! ! RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 19 well!!! an* dey say dey's 'ligion's right! Huh! I ain' gwine ter git no sich 'ligion. Fse gwine ter git de good ole Baftis 'ligion, I is, an' gwine ter jine de Badtis meetin' house des as soon as I gits my Sperence. 20 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPvS Talking Through His Hat, When the Politician, on his rounds, SoHciting your vote Tells you the burdens of the poor Are too great for them to ''toie," And says, if he's elected, He'll remedy all that. You may take it as almost certain That he's ^'talking through his hat/^ When ''Shylock,'' with his money bags, Takes a mortgage on your farm; And says you may rest contented — He'll protect you from all harm; Says "he only wants the interest — Not particular about that" — If you don't look out, you'll lose your farm- He was '^talking through his hat.^^ When a saucy little maiden Not yet out other ''teens,^^ With roguish looks, and gentle sighs. Says much more than she means; The chances are just ten to one She's play ing you for a Fla t — That all this talk she's giving you; Is simply ^^through her hat,^^ RHYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 21 Reflections — Wise and Otherwise. Behold! Saith the wise man, I have considered of all the days of a man's life; and lo! they are of short duration and of many trials. He Cometh into the world with a pain in his stomach and a yell like unto that of the steam whistle of a locomotive engine. The nurse pro- ceedeth to plunge him into a bath, from which hi soul instinctively recoileth;shetaketh him out and covereth him with caresses and a napkin that threateneth instant suffocation; she jabbetha safe- ty pin into his .tender flesh, and he yelleth some more. And the proud father exclaimeth, "What lungs the little man hath! He will be a great man some day, and be able by their strength to drown the din of a political convention." He liveth through thera.sh, the mumps, the meas- les, and cutteth his eye teeth, and arriveth at the stage of ''knickerbockers" and long stockings; and sallieth forth in the morning, and returneth at night minus his shoes and stockings and two front teeth and the nail of his big toes, plus a bloody nose and a lump on his forehead the size of a hulled 22 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS walnut, and a stone bruise on his heel, and his mother taketh him across her knee, and with a slipper, gently admonisheth him not to engage in any more fights, or to throw away his shoes and stockings again; and the happy father secretly re- joiceth that his offspring is so early developing traits that promise success in life. He arriveth at school age, and proceedeth, with his lunch basket and a sinking heart, to the school house; he is assigned a form, and the boy in his rear sticketh a pin into him and causeth him to jump out of his seat. The teacher frowneth and enquireth the cause of vsuch a commotion, and the boy in the rear artfully concealeth the pin that caused the disturbance, and the new boy is dis- graced and kept in after shool hours. He passeth through his school days and learneth to play marbles and baseball, and becometh an umpire and getteth walked all over by the contest- ants on both sides of the game. He goeth to the university, and struggleth for his degree, and learneth the intellectual game of football, and becometh a full back, and retireth with a broken collar bone, two ribs crushed, his RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 23 nose knocked out of plumb, and his face so dis- figured by scars that his mother wondereth if a changeling hath not been worked off on her. He pawneth the allowance an indulgent father hath made him for a bic3^cle of his i'avorite make. He sallieth forth in the gloaming of a peaceful summer evening to the home of his best girl and, together, they take a spin on their wheels, and as they approach the ever-present soda fountain, she saith, '^I am aweary, let us rest a spell under the cooling breezes of the electric fans in yonder gilded palace," and he maketh believe he is delighted to comply, while his soul is sick with thoughts of how he is to accomplish the feat of supplying her with the nectar for which he knoweth her soul panteth, as doth the hart for the water brook. He liveth in a fool's paradise, all through the summer, resorting to many strategies to procure the v^herewithal to supply the maiden of his choice with the sugared fruits, chewing gum, ice cream and other costly and expensive delicacies for which she seemeth to have an insatiable appetite, and when the theatrical season opens, she wink- eth her e3^e, and goeth away with the other fellow, 24 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS leaving him "a broken wreck, cast upon the shore of time." He ralh^eth from this— his master disappoint- ment — and entereth into business, and a mancom- eth along with a "gold brick," andsellethittohim at a great sacrific, and lo ! it proveth to be brass, and he goeth broke. His father setteth him up in business again, and he marrieth, and settleth down to the hum-drum life of a benedict. He goeth forth in the morning to his business, and retumeth, late at night, Wearied with the labor and burden of the day and his ardiious duties at the "lodge" and findeth his wife in tears and a disheveled "robe denuit," when she proceedeth to "give him a piece of her mind," and he "crieth to the rocks and hills to fall upon him," instead of which he falleth under the bed and asleep, and waketh next morning with a head- ache. RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 25 The Plant of the Pessemist, Things were different when I was a bo^' From what they are to-daA^; TheA^ were better, too, in some respects; Or, it seems to me that way. When I w^as a bo\% a man was a man A hoy, a boy, ever^- day, And girls were ^/Ws; women were women. And behaved in a womanly way. When I was a boy, men ^' ruled the roosV^ The women had little to say. The boys did not smoke — the girls did not flirt, It w^as not then their wa3^ When I was a bo^^ the men earned the bread, The women served the tea. The boys went to school, rode on their slide. Or worked, as the case might be. When I was a boy, you'd never see A woman law-yer, or clerk They were satisfied to sta^- at home And do the household work. There were no type-writers, when I was a boy, To lead staid husbands astray, With coquettish smiles, and sunny hair; And artful, '* fetching'' wa^^s. 26 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS Lawyers were scarce, when I was a boy, And usually earned their fees By protecting the rights of honest men In the courts of common pleas. When I was a boy, men sold b\^ weight, Their wares and merchandize; Or else by measure; and 'twas always full, And they never told you lies About the bargains they were giving you, Nor, what the goods first cost; The quality of the merchandize, Nor about how much they lost By selling the goods at such low price; In short, they were honest men In the good old days wlien / was a boy. And virtuous women, then. Thus wailed the ancient Grecian Sage Full twenty centuries since, And, thus it will be, if time shall last Just twenty centuries hence. The ^^good old times'^ seem always best To the aged; the reason's plnin. Their lives were sweet, in the time that's past. In the present they are soured v/itli pain. RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 27 Witty Epitahps. It is related of the poet Burns that while traveling on foot in the highlands of Scotland, he was caught in one of those mountain tempests that sometimes occur in the high altitudes of that country, and was forced to seek the shelter of *'old Goody Blake's" rude hut, of small dimensions, which stood alone in that wild country close by the side of the trail that led to the top of the mountain. It seems that "old Goody Blake" had acquired an unenviable reputation for the manner in which she had "taken in and done for" travelers rn a way more "taking" than agreeable to them. Bums determined to out-wit the old crone, and at the same time avenge those who had oftentimes been fleeced by her. Assuming an air of great poverty, he declared he had not a "baubee to bless himself with," but that as he was a poet of some renown in his own Bailiwick, told her if she would "gie" him "a wee bit sup" and a place to rest his weary "b nes" he would write her epitaph. 28 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS After some hagglino^ about the number of lines the epitaph should have, a bargain was struck, and as soon as the supper was over, which was really as good as the old dame had in the house, she began to clamor for her "epitaph." Burns de- clared he was too tired to write it all out that night until he had some rest, but agreed to write half of it, and finish it in the morning. To this the old woman, with great reluctance, was forced to agree — accordingly Burns took out his note book and wrote the following couplet: Old Goody Blake, who died of late Appeared at last at Heaven's gate — Old Goody was greatly pleased with the epitaph as far as it went, and as soon as it was light called Burns up to finish it. Burns put her off on one pretext and another untfl after breakfast, when, just as he was ready to leave, he produced the other two lines, which made the epitaph read thus. Old Goody Blake, who died of late Appeared at last at Heaven's gate- But Peter met her with a club And knocked her back to Beelzebub. RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 29 It is needless to add that Burns' stay at that *'Hosteh-y" was Hmited after this. A yankee clock peddler, who had doubtless heard of this episode, stopped over night with a skin flint old farmer, who lived in the mountains of New Hempshire, named Keasel, and parodied Burns, b}^ painting on Keasel's gate the following: Old Keasel died not long ago — At Heaven's gate his face did show. But up slipped the devil, like a weazel And down to H— 11 he kicked old Keasel. There is a story of a certain king of England, who was *4ong" on promises, and "short on per- formances. At a club dinner one evening at which there was a noted wit of the day present. When the wine w^as flowing pretty freely, the wit arose and read the following epitaph: "Here lies our sovereign Lord the King, Whose word no man relies on — Who never said a foolish thing, And never did a wise one." To w^hich the king good humoredly and wittily replied: 30 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS "That is easily accotinted for— My says are all my own— My doings are my ministers." It was probably the same wit, who, at a club dinner in London, at which the Lord Mayor pre- sided, was angered by the arrogance and supercil- iousness of that dignitary, who was a purse proud ignorant financier, and owed his elevation to the exalted position to a large contribution to the exchecquer of a profligate king. The wit deter- mined to have revenge, so, after the substantials had been cleaned away, and speech making became the order af the day, or rather, of the night, the wit arose and addressed the mayor in something like the followieg language: "My Lord Mayor and Chief Magistrate of the metropolis of England, and of the world: In con- sideration of the many wise and benificent acts of your Lordship during the time you have held the exalted position you now occupy— I have prepared what I think will be a suitable epitaph to be in- scribed upon the monument I have not a doubt a grateful public will erect to your memory after you have passed away from the scenes of your present RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 31 grandeur and gloi*y, which with the permission ot your Highness I will read to the assembled com- pany." "Proceed, sir," pompously replied his highness. Whereupon the wit, with a very grave face read the following epitaph: **Here lies our worthy Lord Mare, Who, despite his presumptuous pretense. Has never in life been accused Of being possessed of horse sense. But as often the case may be found As down life's journey we pass. The man wdiom the people call "Mare," Proves himself to be onlv an ass. 32 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS TELEPHONIC PHUN FOR THE POLICE NIGHT CLERK riore or Less Apochryphal. While the Hfe of the poHce night clerk is mono- tonous and irksome to a degree, yet there are some funny incidents connected therewith. One night about 11 o'clock the telephone rang and the night clerk answered— * 'Hello !" "Hello !" came the reply— "What's wanted?" ''Sent er boleecemon down hure righdt avay kveek." •♦What's the trouble?" *'Neffer you mindt vhat's der droopple. Sent er boleecemon down hure." "Where do you want an officer sent?" "Vhy, righdt hure." "Right where?" "Righdt hure ver I bin." "Well, where are you?" "I bin righdt hure ver I doos mine peezness. Dinks I bin standt oop py der delefone pole, eh?" RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 33 "Well, where do 3^ou do 3'our business." "Hure in mine 'ouse. Dinks 1 doos mine peesh- ness oudt on der sthreet, like a tam Chew?" "What's your number?" "Nommer? Sentein, five, sieben thousand!, may- pe." "Well, I cannot send an officer unless you tell me where to send him." "Hunner t'ousan deyful! tond I dell you trei, finif hunner times alretty; sent him hure, hure to mine 'ouse. Unt if you toiid seat him righdtavay, puty kveek I see der marszhal in der morgen und vind oud vy ve bays der boleecemons do to our peeshness, und ven ve vant vun dey vSthandt der und say vhere. vhere. Cott in himmil, it vhoud make a vool er vhise man ter be so vooled mit." "You dinks you're schmardt,eh? Youdinks3^ou kit kay mit me, eh? I cooms oop der righdt avay tireckly, pooty kvick und bunch dein tam haidt." One morning about 7 o'clock, the telephone rang and the night clerk answered it, when the follow- ing dialogue occurred: 'Haillo ! I§ dot der bolice station?' 3t RHYMIiS AND OTHER SCRAPS "Yes — what's wanted?" "Has er fjlier a ri^ht to nion vater pefore anod- der feller's jj:atc mid mnke er seldop dare?" "I don't know. How does he run the water there?" "Dare pen er Tago leef on der zide hill vust erpoof me, und he tig er teedeh petbre liees place ter sidevalk on, und ter vater roons town Ijel'ore mine gate und makeermudtsehloj). Mine vit'eean no ket to ter wegctable vagon, marrgit vagon, milluk vagon nor noddings." "Wh}' don't you extend the (hteh by your pkice and run the water on past it?" "Unt make er sehlop, mooty plaee pefore mine n.nghi)or's? No, I not do dot?" "Well, let your neighbor continue the ditch on, and that wdll end all the trouble." "Vhat vhor shall ve pe at ter oxpense ter tecg dhat teedteh vot ter ceety should make, eh?" "Have you spoken to the city engineer about this?" "Who is dhat ceety eng'neer? "Capt. McFall. If you will see him and show liim how the water injures you, I think he will at- RHYMES AND OTIIEK SCRA1\S 35 tend to it and liave it remedied." "I toiid know dhat Gap MePaul." "Well, I'll make a memorandum here and have him go out and look at the plaee and see what can 1)e done." "No! You tond leef no mem'rands nornoddings dhere. I feex um." "All right, that will be the best way out of it." "Yah! I feex um like dheesh: I co dhere unt I veel oop dhot teedtch und eet rains ter nocht, und in ter morgen dhat Tago go at marrgit before tay, unt he sdethps inter dhot sehlops mood unt he eoes een hees dop shoes oper. Ha ! ha ! ha ! I laufps vhen I dhinks how he will surbrize pe. He vhill dhinks, who ter tuyferdhodheesi vhoundter? Unt I 3^ust lay pack dhere unt lauf mine outsides een at hum, unt he neafer know^ who don him. Ha! ha! ha! ha! Goot-pyc." One night about half past 8 o'clock came the following message: "Sen' er p'licefan here, quick." "What's the trouble?" "I'se de ladv wot washes fur er low down white 3G RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 'oiiiaii, nn' I done brtiiig licr close lionie, an' she won't pay me, 'ntl I wants lier 'rested." "Wluit does she say about it?" "Say! She says a plenty; she sa3's 'f I waits till her husban' come home hum de lodge she pay me. Huh! ketch me waitin' fur dem liusbtin's ter come home frum de lodges! I knows wot lodges dey go to; I dun seed sum of dez lodges. De_v come home maybe two, free 'clock in de morn', and dey ain' got munney 'nuff let' tu buy er peanut if dey wuz sellin' fur fibe cents er bar'l." "Well, we can't arrest a woman because she doesn't pay her wash bill." "Dat's ca'se she's white; 'f she wuzerculledlady yuse 'rest her fas' 'nuff." "Oh, I don't know; did you ever hear of a 'cullud lady' being arrested because she didn't pay her debts when she promised?" "Yuse 'rest um for less'n dat. 'f er cuUud lady walks erlong de street atter a certain hour at night youse 'rest her an' fines her fer er vag; who's er vag, I lak ter know, niore'n er 'ooman wot won't pay fer her washin' w'en er lady done done it an* brung it home?" RHYMES AND OTITIvR SCRAPS a7 **Well, if she won't i)ay }on, .'-^o to tlic jnsl te court and sue her." "Wat's dat?" "Get a writ for lier." "Whar I go ter git er 'ril?" "Go to Matt Johnson or Judge Stuart; they'll tell 3^ou what to do." "Kin I take her ter Jedge Stuart's eourt?" "Certainly." "Goody! Goody! Goody! I'll take licr ter Jedge Stuart's eourt 'n de niornin'. I bet yer I hnb'erin jail 'fore night. 01' Stuart he ain' 'fenred ter 'rest no triflin' low down white 'oonian dat won't pay er cullud lady fer her work atter she done worked fur it. Goodbye." This, from a lady — we will not say whether it was from South Austin, east of theeemeter3^ Hyde Park or the extreme western part of the eit}-. It was far enough from the police station to liave been at any of these ])laees. About 9:30 one night the telephone rang and the night clerk answered. "Hello," in the softly modulated tones of a lad v's 38 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS voice, came floating over the wires. "Is this the place where the cit^^ marshal and the police stay?" "Yes, madam, this is the police station." "Is the cit3' marshal there?" "No, madam, he is not here r.t present." "Will he be there tonight?" "I don't know, madam; he does not usually come to the station after this time of night unless some- thing extraordinary occurs to call for his presence here." "Oh, dear! I wanted to speak with him so badly." "If there is anything of importance, I may be able to find him by telephonec and put 3'ou in com- munication with him." "Oh, thank you— there is something ver}^ im- portant I want to speak to him about." "All right, I'll see if I can And him forycuandlet you know later on." "Oh, thank you, ever so much." The night clerk learns that the marshal is out of town and rings up the lady's teleplione and in- forms her of the result of his investigations. RHYMES AND OTifEK SCRAPS S'J ^'Oh, I'm vSo sorry. I (Htl want to speak to him so much." "What is the nature of the eoinmunication 3'ou wished to make to him? Perliaps I could helpyou out." "I'm ever so much obliged. Will you please send an officer out here at once?" "What is the trouble out there, madam?" "Why, I gave out my wash last Mcmday and the woman promised to bring it back the next day, and here it is a whole day after she promised to bring it back and it has not come in 3'et." "Well, do you want to make a charge against the woman tor theft of the Qlothes." "Oh, no; I don't suppose she has stolen them; I just want an officer to make herbring them back." "Does she refuse to bring them back?" "No; she says she will bring them back as soon as they are dried and ironed." "Do you want her to bring them Ijack in an un- finished condition?" "No. I want the officer to make her finish them and bring them in." "I am afraid I can do nothing for 3'OU, madam. 40 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS I am sorrj^, but it is no part of an officer's duty td collect the wash of citizens. You have my sym- pathy, but I can't help you anj-." "Well, I thought maybe you could; good bye." "Goodbye." And thus ended the important matter the lady wanted the marshal to know about. One night a message was 'phoned in for an of- ficer to be sent about a mile and a half from the police station. "What do you want with an officer?" was asked. "I wants er ossifer ter git my dead brudder's close from a cullud feller what woan' gin 'em ter me." "What reason does he give for not letting j^ou have them?" "He say m^^ brudder owe him for rentof hoUvSe." "How much does he sa}^ 3^our brother owes him?" "He say he owe him mos' two dollar." "Why don't you pay him the rent and get the clothes?" "Whaffer I pay him w'cn de close dun mine?" RHYMEvS AND OTHER SCRAPvS 4.1 "Well, you had better go to a law3^crandsue for them then. I can't send an officer to take the clothes by force." ''Huh! If I gits a lawyer it will cos' mo'n fo' bits." "Very likely. Law suits come high you know, but we must have them." "I doan' want no law suits. Yon sen' cr ossiler heah an' I done git dem close widout no law suit er I'll choke goosend outen dat triflin' no count nigger wot's got 'em." **You go to choking the 'goosend' out of any- body and you'll land in jail. You can't go around taking things by force; you have to establish your claim to the clothes in the courts and get a decree awarding them to you, and then the officers will put you in possession of them." "Whaifer I got ter do all dat, 'n I dun knows dey's mine already." "But others don't know it. How do the clothes come to belong to you?" "It's like dis. My muddcr she married a man an' had me 'n den she done quit dat man an' tuk up wnd annodder man an' he already had a boy an' 42 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS den dat man leP mndder an' dat l^o}^ an' run away or snmfin' and my mudder she dun raise dat boy an' dat mak: him my bru Ider 'n w'en dat boy got bignuff he got ter bedewuss-'st an' mo^' triflin' nig- ger 3^011 ebber seed. Hah' his time he wnz in jail 'n on de county road fur stcalin' an' todder hah' he wuz dodgin' de ossifers ter keep on ten jnil tel at last de\" cotch liim breakin' opena kyaran'stealin' flour, an' dey sent him ter de pen, an' he dun wuk out his time an' dey turn him out an' gib him sum new close an' sum money ter come home on an' he dun ride the brakes an' come home an' hab all his money lef an' he buy liquor wid it an' git drunk an' lied out in de col' one mouty col' night an' mos' froze an' he dun tuk new mony an'hcdied an' lef all dem good close wot de pen folks gin him an' now dey's mine an' I wants 'em." "Well, I can't send an officer to take them bj^ force. If you want them you will luive to go to court for them." "Huh ! What's an ossifer fer if (.]ey can't gin er man his rights, I lak to know?" Here the night clerk hung up the receiver and closed the colloquy. kHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 43 One night a1)out 10 o'clock the telephone bell rang and oh answering it the following dialogue ensued: "Hello-ri, is this de police-a station?" "Yes; what's wanted?" "Send a police-a-man down a here right away" "Where do you want an officer sent?" "Dowri-a to nunimer blank Blank street-a" "What's the trouble down there?" "A fella, he come-a in here and ealla me Dago. I hitta hinionc on de snoot-a and he hitta me wid a beer bottle an' we haf a haile of a time-a." The officer was sent down and pretty soon he came in with the "feller-a" and the "Dago-a"both and 'made charges against them for fighting. The "feller-a," who was pretty drunk, was locked up, while the "Dago-a" was sent off to the doctor to get his head patched up, and next morning each paid'a $10 fine in the recorder's court for assault- ing, striking and fighting each other against the peace^and dignit3^ of the cit\^ of Austin and in violation of an ordinance etc., etc., etc. One night the falh>wing came over tlie telephone: 44 fiHYMES AND OTHER SCRAt^S "Hello; is that the police station ?" "Yes, madam; what's wanted ?" "I want to know if that devil uv a pound man has got me pig in the poun'." "I don't know. What sort of a pig is it ?" "Och, shure, an' she waz as foine a sow — save your prisence— as iver ye saw." "What color was she ?" "X foine black wan, savin' her tail, which was whoitc." "How long since you saw her ?" "Shure, an' she wuz in the pin this marnin* when oi wint out to do me day's wash fur the lady what lives jist thray blocks away, an' a kind an' dacent lady she is, as iver dhrew breath o' loife. An' Well oi moind the da}^ when the litttle bare-futted bye brought her in his arrums to me house an' I guv him a doime fur her." "Gave the boy a dime for the lady ?" "Fur the pig, ye spalpane. D'ye think oi'd be givin' a doime fur a lady ?" "Well, I'll look on the pound book and see if the pig is in the pound." "Moind ye do now, an'' if the rogue has got her. RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 45 he'd betther kape away from mt* or oi'U give hini a taste of me tin nails in his oyes." The pound book was consulted without finding the pig mentioned in it, and Bridget was so in- formed. *'Ah! wurra! wurra! wot shall I do? An' 'twas only yisterday oi noticed what a foine pigshewuz an' me be thinkin' wot a many a foine rasher oi'd be cuttin' from her fat soides in the comin' wen- th6r, an' wot a faste her back-bones 'ud make fur meand the widdy O'Houlihan whin we mite cile- br^tetheday wewuzboth madewiddys by the ex- ploshin uv a moine, where me husbun' an' O'Houli- han wuz a wurrikin — God rist their sowls !" **Well, perhaps she has not gone far; you may find her in the morning." "Do you till the pound man, the devil, to look out for that pig, an' if he foinds her oi'll give him his haf a dollar, an' be glad to do so. Oi'd ruther grve him the haf a dollar than fur them butchers to git her, fur if they wanst git their claws on her, nivver a hair nor hoide uv her wud I see agin." "All right, I'll tell him." "Moind ye do now, an' say, oi'Ubeloikeamither 4.G RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS till him, an' yc needn't moind savin' an^^thing about what oi said about givin' him a tashte uv me nails, ye know; an' if he cums aroun' me house, maybe oi'U have a wee dhrap o' somethin' that'll waiTum his heart an' make him feel loike a bye again; scms real 'mountain dew' that niver paid a pinny of excoise, that Tim McMurthy, me cousin, brought trim the oukl counthry, and' howe heiver got it here oi dunno. Seayin he wuz a born dhurnkard, an' oi don' belave the thaie of" dthe worrel iver broat it over, but baught it frum some doive herre an' me be dthikin-all dthe toime oi cud smill the reek o' dthe sod on it an' savin' it for me an'dthe widdy O'Houlihan whin we cilibrate the dhay we wuz made widdy s an' taken only a dthimble full at a dthoime to make it lasht as long- as we cud. RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 47 The War Upon Dirt. My wife's a most excellent woman; She is constant, and tender, find true; As a mother, she's fond and devoted — As a neighbor, excelled by but few; As a cook, there is few that's her equal, — She is careful of the buttons on my shirt; But she worries the very life out of me With her constant warfare upon dirt. When I open my eyes in the morning; After passing the night in sweet dreams; The first thing that catches my vision Is the wdiisk other broom, as it gleams Over floor of the hall and the parlor; The bed room, the closet or kitchen; And all the day long, 'tis the same thing; That broom's everlastingly switching. Or, if not the broom, then the dusters The plague of my lite — not a minute Can I, in conversation engage her, (Sure, the mischief itself must be in it) Most wives can find time, from their hurry, With their husbands, or others to flirt, But mine's in continuous worry In determined warfare upon dirt. 48 RHYMES -AND OTHER SCRAPS If not dusting or sweeping; she's scrubbing; Or daubing, with acid, Carbolic All the cracks in the bedstccid, as though she Was doctoring the Bvgs for the Colic. Not: a moment of peace can I find — She is constantly on the alert Lest the house, or the yard, or the kitchen Should be attached b^^ her enemy — dirt. While awake, through the days longest hours, She is worrying, and peering, and peeking For spider-webs, fly specks and vernion, Of naught else, she ever is speaking; And at night, when she soundest is sleeping, She cries out, as though she was hurt — O ! just look at the dust heaps and ashes; Will I never get rid of the dirt ?. I'm afraid, when at last, she has worried Herself and me into the grave; Her unquiet spirit will wonder O'er the home, where she made herself slave, And go peeping and spying in crannies, Armecl with horse whip, with raw-hide or quirt. And go thrashing the housemaid, still screaming, ''You SLOVEN, JUST LOOK AT THE DIRT !" RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 49 The Convict System. Austin, Tex., October 3, 1888. To the Editor of the Statesman : Worldngmen are daily and hourly complaining of over competition in their various pursuits and callings. They cry out against "pauper immi- gration," ** Chinese immigration," ''woman's usur- pation," and a thousand other vexations which beset their path and reduces compensation for their daily labor. Law-makers rack their brains for a remedy (just before election time); candidates for office are very solicitous for the welfare of the dear people as long as they are soliciting votes; judges, v^ho hope to be returned to office, give lengthy opinions in favor of the "hardy sons of toil" (when it becomes necessary to secure their votes); labor unions make laws in their societies to curtail the mumber of workmen in their differ- ent crafts by stipulating the number of apprentices a boss may employ in proportion to the number of journeymen he has working for him; "walking delegates" of the Knights of Labor order men out pn a. strike if an employer puts on a non-union 50 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS man where the Knights have control of the labor- ers; want anil misery, and sometimes riot and bloodshed, follow those demonstrations. The "tariff men" sa3^: "Give us a high protective tariff to protect our infant industries and the laboring men shall all have wages that will compensate them amply for iheir toil." The "freetraders" say: "Wipe out the iniquitions tariff, open up the markets of the world for the products of our manu- factories and all will be serene." Now, that wages are too low in this countr}', considering the amount of work demanded by tlie employers as a day's labor, none I think, will deny. But, whether any of the remedies suggested by the different reformers will prove adequate to the oc- casion, I shall not stop now to argue. There is, I think, one great system, however, which is a very popular one in all the states of this union that is a great injustice to all the laboring classes in this countrv, and one which can and, in my judgment, should be changed. The penitentiary system as now in vogue in all the states is an unmitigated outrage on the labor- ing classes of America, RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 51 To take a criminal, incarcerate him in the peni- tentiary, learn him a trade, introduce machinery, and set him manufacturing articles that should of right be manufactured by honest mechanics, is not only bringing the labor of the convicts in direct competition with honest labor, but it is degrading the honest mechanic to the level of the convict. For the state to purchase farms, and. place the convicts on the farms to raise the various products of the fields, is a manifest injustice to the honest farmer, in that, it multiplies, at a rate that no honest citizen can afford to labor the products of the farm, thus cheapening the price of such pro- ducts to a point w^hich is ruinous to the law-abid- ing citizen. The system of hiring out to railroad companies, planters, coal miners, wagon or shoe manufacturers, or other individuals or corpora- tions, the convicts of the penitentiary, is not only a gross injustice to all classes of labor, but is, in my humble judgment, a flagrant violation of the very principles of justice and equity which is sought to be vindicated by the incarceration of the culprits. England has had her Van Pieman's Land and 52 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS Austrialia for 3'cars, where she eould ship her con- victs out of the reach of competition with honest labor. Russia has her Siberia, Spain her mines, and Mexico sends her convicts to recruit her army or elsj shoots them— all removing their convicts from contact and competition with the virtuous and hiw-abiding population of their several coun- tries. It may be that the convict is too harshly treated in the nations above cited; it may be that the civilization of the Nineteenth century demands a more humane treatment of criminals than is prac- ticed in those countries. But, I have no patience with this sickly sentiment^lismthat sympathsizes entirely with the ''poor criminal," and has no com- misseration for honest, law-abiding labor. I have 1/ttle faith in the reformation of hardened crimi- nals, as a rule, though sometimes" it happens that a penitentiary convict, after serving out his term of imprisonment, becomes a useful, law-abiding citizen, and I am willing to grant that if only one in ten is really reformed, that the system of im- prisonment for crime is better than the execution of criminals; except for outrageous crimes, as for RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 53 instance, murder, rape and kindred atrocities. But I would, instead of herding tlieni together in- discriminately, classify them nccording to lljc nature of the offenses committed. 1 woukl hang" the most atrocious villains and get them out of the way at once as soon as caught and convicted, classify the balance according to the grade of the offense, abolish the state penitentiary and turn the convicts of each county over to the county authorities: let the counties employ guards, pur- chase equipments, lay out roads and set the con- victs to work on them, until every settlement had a good road turnpike through it, and every stream and ravine on all the roads was spanned \)y a per- manent stone arch bridge. I am well aware that this system would require a good deal of money to carry it out, but, I think, by abolishing the present wortliless road law, thereby reHeving the citizen of the burdens of keeping up the miserable pretenses of roads that now disgrace the counti}-, levying a small poll tax on the property liolderF, that this, with the increased values of farm lands by having good roads; the cheapening of the cost of marketing farm products; the saving in wear 54 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS and tear on vehicles of all kinds; the settlmg up of the county by thrift\% honest citizens who would be attracted to the state by reason of her public highways; and last, though by no means least, the removal of convict labor from competition with honest labor, would more than compensate for the difference in cost of the system I have sug- gested and the present penitentiary sj^stem. This is, of course, only a meagre outHne of the policy that a change such as I have suggested would involve. It would require very careful legis- lation and great care in the selection of officers to put the system in working operation, and it is more than probable that at first mistakes would be made. But I feel pretty sure that if the system I have outlined was inaugurated, and intelligently and systematically followed out, correcting mis- takes when discovered, that a better state of af- fairs would soon be apparent, and that all classes of citizens would be benefitted thereby. I have no data at hand by which I can compute or even approximate the difference in the cost of the two S3^stems of prison management under dis- cussion, and feci that I have but poorly handled RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 55 the subject; l)nt perhaps this article will have tlie effect of drawing the attention of otheis to the subject who wih more al^ly set forth the advan- tages of the change than Icould possihl^^ do. It it should, thiscomnninication will accomplish all and more than 1 could hope for. Burdens. The burdens of the whiteman are man^^ and great; As, the burden of office, the burden of siaie; The burden of government, l^urdcn of taxes, Which, much of our honesty surely relaxes; The burden of penury, burden of wealth; The burden of miserj^ burden of health; The burden of cold, and the burden of heat; The burdens of rustling tor something to eat. The burden of glor}^ the burden of fame, The burden of obloqu\^, burden of shame, The burden of song and the burden of care, The burden of w^oe and ol dark despair. The burden of env3% the burden of pride — (The hardest of all other burdens to hide). While speaking of burdens— don't let us forget That onerous burden— the burden of debt. And that other burden — indeed 'twould be rare if We ever forget it — the burden of of tariff. And other great burdens, too tedious to mention. To name them all over, is not my intention, But the heaviest burden on this side of Jordan Is the "changes that are rung" on the "White Man's Burden." 56 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS Politics. "In politics, if you would mix, And mean you fortunes be, Bear this in mind, be deat and Ijlind! Let great ones hear and see." Burns. ■ What is politics? The science of government? No, my boy. Politics is "the know how to get thar," the knowledge of the weak points of the "dear people." The wisdom to play upon the pre- judices, the foibles, the whims and caprices of the multitude. It is, to know just what will tickle the fancies of the populace, and the disposition to pander thereto; to care nothing for the real in- terests of the citizens, but to look out for the suc- cuss of Number One. It is to know who has the largest bank account that will tap it for the bene- fit of the candidate. He is the one to conciliate. It is not necessary to inquire if he is a man of in- tegrity, of good judgment, of loltj^ principles, of a keen sense of honor, right and justice. The main and only questions arc, "has he got the money? will he shell outfor thebenefit of the cause?" These questions l)eing answered satisfactorily, by the RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPvS 51 "putting up of the dough," he is the "power be- hind the throne." He it is that elects the can- didate, dispenses the patronage of the office and dictates the pohcies thcrof. He it is to whom all applicants for position must "crook the pregnant hinges of the knee, that thrift may follow fawning." In every community in the county is to be found this "great man" of his "bailiwick." He stands, Hke Saul, the son of Kish, "head and shoulders above all of his fellows. He may have no more brains than a goat, no more honor than a pick- pocket, no more virtue than a common prostitute, no more patriotism than a slave, yet, if he has money, and will use it for "the party"— that is, for the success of some particular aspirant for political honors— life-long political service, patrio- tic devotion to his country, avowed by the scars of a hundred battles in defense of the rights of his people, must take a back seat. His counsels, though they were wise as Solomon's, are but the babblings of an idiot, compared with the advice of this judge of "practical politics." Honest merit is relegated to the rear, and brassy impudence is set upon the pinnacle of fame. When minor offices are 58 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS to be given out, fitness for the position is ignored and the base, crawhng lick-spittles, wlio disbursed the money of the "great man" who furnished "the sineus of war," must be rcwar Jed for his "devotion to the party." It matters not that he lacks every- thing in the way of qualifications for the position he seeks; he may be as ignorant as sin, as corrupt as Satan himself, 3'et if he has crawled at the feet of the "boss," has placed the money where it would "do the most good," he has earned the right to draw government pay for hisardiuous duties dur- ing the campaign, while the pul^lic service must suffer, and men fitted b\' edrication and practical experience for the position may "go hang," or what is equal to the same thing, go starve. I think tl;.ere arejust two classes of men wlio are beneath the contempt of all honest men: One of these is the class who sell their votes; the other is the class who buy them. The poor devil who sells his vote ma\^ have the excuse that his family needs the dollar or two for which he sjIIs it, but the brassy, impudent rog.ie who Iju^-s it has not even this excuse, for there are alwaj^s pickings enough in the "crumbs that are thrown to the dogs from RHYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 59 the great man's table" to keep him from starv- ing; therefore, he is the most contemptible of the two. This ispolitics— "practical politics"— the politics of the closing year of the nineteenth century. How do you like it? The Young Wife's Plaint, Once I was happy, light-hearted and free; When I lived at home with mv mother. Who ironed the clothes, concocted the tea In a manner approached by no other. The biscuits she made— Superintended tlie roast- Made the coffee— so strong and delicious; The table, she set— and she buttered the toast, And when they were eat— washed the dishes. I sat in the parlor— the fine lady pla3^ed— Went walking or driving, or riding- Took a spin on my wheel— which my father, most kind, Found such pleasure in always providing. When Charley came wooing, "l thought him so nice — So manly — so handsome— so clever— When he asked me to wed him, I said in a trice— I am yours, my dear Charley, forever. 60 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS And so we were wed and went to our home — Like turtle doves, billed, cooed and — ])arted — My Idol was shattered — I found out too soon That Charley was eold— cruel hearted — Me he expected to do the hard tasks So often performed by my mother — Make biscuits— brew coffee — work round the liot vStove From one long day's end to another. So you dear 3^oung ladies take warning l)y me Or else you'll have terril)le bother — Learn to make l)iscuits, l)rew coffee and tea Wliile living at home with your moth jr. For wlienyou are married and settled at home You'll i\u(\ it a difficult matter To fill up in Charley the dull 'ichiim- void With billing and cooing and chatter. The Bachelor Girls. Oh! I am a joll3^ old bachelor girl, Heart whole, and fiee from all care. I'd scorn to marry the handsomest man; Thoiigh he was a millionaire, I would not wear the conjugal yoke For the money would ransom a king, • How'er, I may differ from all other folk; Or from everv other thinir. RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 61 You may sing of the plensures of wedded love, Or rave over marital bliss, But a flirtation, sty, in the leaf-shaded grove. While the stars wink to let us kiss Is i)ctter by far for this bachelor girl; How'er, you may seek to decry it, Than a lifetime of love with a selfish old churl. If you don't think so, I advise you try it. Thus w^arbled a bevy ofbachelor girls While their laughter and chatter were blended— But the last one was married and settled in homes Ere the year it occurred in was ended. And so it will be, however they boast Of their freedom from care and from worry- When the man comes along, lest the chance may be lost. They accept him at once in a hurry. 62 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS The following was written while the writer was engaged peddling vegetables and was intended as an advertisement of his busines: Old Billie and L Old BilHe and I are a rare old lot, From morn 'til noon we jog and trot To sell our "garden truek." We'll call upon you without fail, And if w^e chance to make a sale We'll feel that we're in luck. Our stock is of the finest kind — Mustard and radish you will find; Potatoes, turnips, beets; Onions, cabbage, celery, beans. Apples, peaches, squash — this means What everybody eats. We sell them at the lowest price. And they're so toothsoms, fresh and nice- To buy 3^ou can but choose. When honest dealing is the rule — Politeness of "ye olden" school, You surely can't x'efuse. RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 63 TliLni let us fiill your order uow, And to your jiulgni^nit we will l30w As would a "Merehant Piiiiec," Assured if ouee we get ^^our trade Our fortune then will soon be made. (That last Ime made me wince) Bat it had to go in to nudvc a rhyme. Water^Million Time. De sun am shinin on de grass; White, fleecy clouds flo£it high — De wind am singin' froo de trees De niggers' luUaby — De lazy days of sunshine come In Texas glorious clime, an De niggers all am happy, caze Its water-million time. Chorus: Oh, dere's high ol' times in Texas In de water-million time, When good ones cost a nickel, An de bigges dess a dime. De ol' men, young men, women, an' De pickaninnies, too, Am w^aitin' for de waggin dat Will soon come passin' froo. Loaded down wid water-millions, Ob de berr^^ fines' kind. Wid de red meat in de middle, Wrapped up in de green rind. 64 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS Chorus: Den go way white folks, wid yer trash You'll nebber fool dis coon. (He's been way up to Bastrop twice, And gwine to Houston soon) He knows de bes ting for to eat — What white folks call sublime — An dat's de rich, red juicy meat, Of water-million time. Chorus: De doctors say dey aint no good, Dey'll make de niggers sick, Dess let 'em bring a dozen, an' I'll show^ 'em mighty quick Dis nigger ain't no skcery, if De water-million's prime. He'll eat de whole kerboodle, In a haf a nour's time. Chorus: RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 65 The Stolen Snow Shoes, (A Russian Legend.) In one of the provinces of Russia, where the snow falls some years to enormous depths, they have a brigade of men organized to rescue persons who are caught out on the plains in one of those sudden storms of snow which sometimes occur in the early autumn. As in all cases where delegated authority is con- ferred in Russia, the Czar makes the appointment. But in one of the villages called Austonevitch, the Czar allows the citizens to select two or more per- sons who would be suitable men as leaders of the brigade of rescuers. These candidates then make a trial of skill on snow shoes, by racing to a cer- tain goal, and the man first reaching the goal would receive the appointment as Judiscoschney- feu, meaning leader of the snow rescuers. A certain man of the village named Morascono- blents had been chosen Judiscoschneyfeu for a number of years, but another man named Wauk- oronovitch, who had held several appointments of ^ subordinate character in the village, aspired to 66 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS the honor of being Jtidiscotchneyfeu. As he was a good fellow, "Hail fellow, well met," with all classes of the eitizens of the village, he had become quite popular with a certain class of the villagers, and had quite a following among them who urged, with great vehemency, his ap- pointment. So the Czar agreed that these two men should make the race to test their skill on snow shoes, promising that whichever one reached the goal first should receive the appointment. The day for the race was set, and on the morn- ing appointed, they set out on the race. Now it happened that the contestants were al- lowed a rest at a certain point on the way to the goal — and at this resting place on the way, quite a number of adherents of both contestants had as- sembled. And while the contestants were resting, having taken off their snow shoes, some of the friends of Waukoronovitch stole the snow shoes of Morasconoblents and made off with them, and when the time for starting again arrived Mora- sconoblents' snow shoes could not be found, while Waukoronovitch started off in great glee, leaving his competitor in a sorr}^ plight. But one of his RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 67 friends produced a pair of snow shoes much too large for him, which he put on and started after his fast disappearing competitor, and, being a very expert traveler on snow shoes, made such good headwa3^ even with the snow shoes he had — much too large for him as they were — that he almost overtook Waukoronovitch before he reached the goal; so the judges, appointed by the Czar, decided that Waukoronovitch had won the race, and was the proper man for the Czar to appoint as Judis- coscheyfeu. Feeling outraged at the way he had been treated, Morasconoblents appealed to the Czar to set aside the decision of the judges, asking that an investiga- tion ofthe methods by which he had been defeated be had, and further charging that Waukoronovicth had not been exactly square in his disposal of the money belonging to the village which had come into his hands. So the Czar appointed an investigating com- mittee of the villagers to examine into the accounts of Waukoronovitch and report on their condition, which was done, and also the methods by wdiich lie had w^on. Meanwhile, Waukoronovitch, who 68 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS was a man of consicleraljle fortune, turned over to the authorities of the village quite a snug little sum which he had inadvertently retained in his possession, thinking, so he explained, he had the right under the law to do so. As before stated, Waukoronovitch being a good fellow^ a man of wealth, and having a large circle of wealthy and influential relatives and friends, the committee made their report, criticising his negligence in handling the public moneys, as also the means by which he had won the race. After these proceedings had all been had, and it having been proven that the friends of Waukorono- vitch had stolen the snow shoes of Morascono- blents, thereby causing his defeat in the race to the goal, he appealed to the Czar to give him the ap- pointment as Judiscoscheyfeu. whereupon, Wau- koronovitch proposed that inasmuch as the friends of Morasconoblents tried to steal his snow shoes, had they not been prevented by the more adroit friends of his, that both he and Morasconoblents retire from the contest of Judiscoscheyfeu and let some (^ther man of the village be appointed by the Czar—to which Morasconoblents replied: Let RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS G9 Waukoronovitcli makes pecific charges of corru]3t practices by nie and my friends, and produce his witnesses and we will make our answer thereto. This so angered Waukoronovitcli that he met Morasconoblents and knocked him in the he.-id with a featherduster, for wdiich he was hauled up before the tribunal of Justice and fined five roubles, and the Czar, after hearing both sides of the ques- tion, appointed Morasconoblents to be Judiscos- cheyfeu. The White Man's Burden. Take up the white man's burden ? Why should we take it, pray ? Are white men bound by duty Poor savages to slay That greedy corporations Rich coffers be refilled At cost of white man's treasure, And blood of white men spilled ? Take up the wdiite man's burden ! Why blame you then the Turk ? Whose rifle, sword and Koran Do missionery work; He only kills the infidels Who will not quite agree To swallow all his doctrines, But persists in being free. RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS Take np the white man's burden ? Is this the hiw of love The Meek and Lowlj Nazarine Taught in Judean groves? Is 't thus you spread the gospel ? Will God award a erown For Christianizing heathen By shooting of them down ? Take up the white man's burden ? Then lay it down again, Nor let such cruel doctrine Defile thy honest pen To bolster up McKinley And furnish a pretense For slaught'ring Filipinos Sans reason, rli3^me or sense. Has "white man's" starry banner- Proud ensign of the free. Become the pirate's guidon — Em])lem of cruelty? Then let us shroud "Old Glory" In gloom of darkest night, Nor be its shining folds again Unfurled in freedom's light. I^HYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 71 Austin, The fairest cit}^ in the South, Enthroned upon her scvtii hills, No longer sits in dumb despair And mourns o'er past or present ills. But like a ''giant, with new wine Refreshed,'' arises in the night; Shakes slumber from her drowsy lids And turns her lace toward the lioht. Already famed throughout the land For culture, pktj and health. Ambitious grown, she now aspires To be, as well, renowned for wealth; Her opportunities are great. Too long in supine ease, she's lain; Her sons, now grappling with their fate, Struggle for glory and for gain. No foreign foe, with tentacles Like Devil fish, upon its prey. Fixed firmly on her vitals, can Her substance longer drain awa}^ Nor recreant sons, themselves grown rich, Her progress longer hold at bay; Young manhood now has seized the reins, And "forward" is the word to-dav. RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS Bold Colorado's wasted strength, Now rushing onward to the Main; By granite barriers \vill be sta^^ed, And tribute from her we'll obtain; The busy hum of shaft and wheel, "The music of the spheres," express; While capital and industr^^ Hands joined, Avill then compel success. And commerce, then the bnsy mart Of trade, will throng the bustling streets, And w^ealth w^ill to all coffers flow, As rivers, where the waters meet. Content will smile at every hearth; While plenty rules at every board; Each frugal family, then will have. Its larder, wnth provisions stared. These prophecies will be fulfilled, As certain as they now are made Then, welcome to our prosperous town, The Jovial ''Tin Bucket Brigade''— Nor let the dismal rant and whine 0{ doubters cause the least dismay "Progress" our motto — On, ye brave! — Behold the approach of breaking day. RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 73 Remember the Maine, March on, ye valiant soldiers, Poor Cuba now to free From Spanish domination — Fair island of the sea, Of battle cry and battle song Let this be the refrain, *'VivalaCubalibre!" "Remember now the Maine!" Though hardships may await you, Though dangers thick may frown, Though sickness may overtake you, E'en death may strike 3^ou down— Your country now has called you Her honor to maintain; Cry, "Viva Cuba libre!" Remember then "the Maine." While camped amid banana groves, Or climbing verdant hills; While crossing raging torrents, Erstwhile but rippling rills — Aye, even in the battle's front. Though balls flv thick, like rain, Cry, "YivaCuba''libre!" Remember still "the Maine." RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS And when the war is over, And Yictor_v at last Has perched upon 3'our banners, Hardships and dangers past, And ye with happ3' hearts returned Unto your homes n^^iin, You have hberated Cuba And well aveno:ed "the Maine." RPIYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS ^5 The Telephone Gir L Yoti may sing of your sunny haired lassies — With e3'es of celestial blue — Whose lips are like petals of roses And cheeks of the lily's pale hue; Or may rave over dark senoritas With teeth like the brightest of pearl; But they can not compare with the daisy— The beautiful telephone girl. You may laud the bright girls of Italia; The maidens of Russia or France — The Irish, the German, the Danish, The Moorish, who mdt in a glance — You may range the green earth from the tropics Of Inde to the end of the w^orld; You'll find none can compare with the daisy — The incomparable telephone girl. Her eyes may be black, blue or hazel— Her cheeks may be dark, pink or fair; Her face may be round, square or oval, No matter what color her hair. Her lips are with honey dew laden — She sets heart and brain in a w^hirl; She's the brightest and sweetest and cutest— The da^'ling— the telephone girl. CHORUS : Then hurrah for the girl at the *' Central" Who sets brain and heart in a whirl — The brighest and sweetest and cutest— The darling— the telephone girl. 76 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS The Electric Cars Interrogafed and Their An- swer Thereto, Hail ! Thou' monumental m_vstcry ! Thou mighty marvel of majestic motion ! Hast thou an ancient and eventful history? Or art thou but a modern "Yankee notion?" Art thou survival of the olden Pachydermo; — Contemporaneous with the monster mastodon? To the Ichthyosaurus art tliou cousin german? To the Plesiosaurus art thou distant km? — Canst thou discourse upon the time When gaint ferns the sodden banks Of sluggish rivers did eml)ower? — When, upon the tropic vsides of what is now Hyperborean Alaskan mountains, The stately palm its feathery fingers Waved to sweltering man a welcome To its cooling shades? Or art thou But a thing of yesterday'— a creature Evolved from l^igmy brain of present generation? The answer to these interrogations comes In accents eloquent — with learning ripe — "I was built in St. Louis, And am run bj^ Shipe, And, for a nickle, you can take a ride Out to the park that is surnamed 'Hyde,' Where lots are sold so very, ver3^ chenp, 'Twill pay to buy them, to either sell or keep, Lashions of money can be made, RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 77 If you and Shipe can but make a trade Or, if you prefer to aceept his offer, And will build a house, out ot your own coffer, Upon the lot which he will present joUy He'll give you one— this should content you." Dreyfus, Dramatic France is in the throes Of lever, worse than typhus — The people all are in a stew About a Jew named Dreyfus. It seems the army made a plot With Esterhazy — sly cuss — To blast the fame and fair, good name 01 honest Alfred Dreyfus. The "bordereau" (though what this is, I'm willing tb confess it, And dossier too, their meaning, I Could never even guess it) They both, it seems, were filled with lies. To prove this Jew a traitor, By letters forged — though I protest The forgers were the greater — And so they organized a court To try this Jew for treason — And sent him off to "Devil's Isle" Without a show of reason. But "Truth, though crushed to earth, will rise," "Her years, tliey are eternal," And wicked plot will overthrow, Though planned by the Infernal, 78 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS Brave Zola, with his gifted pen Set honest men to thinking, They rescued Dreyfus from the den Where hfe and hope are sinking. And brought him back to France cigain To give him a new trial. And sift the evidence, to prove The truth of his denial, Of treason in its slightest form. Though perjurers may swear it — And letters forged in *'l3ordereau" And "dossier" both declare it. And Justice, let us hope, though blind. Will not refuse to see it. And treason's shame from off the name Ot Dre^^fus soon will free it. Repudiation. Should fortune favor you with smiles, 'Twould be no degradation To recompense her with the crv Of Bold "Repudiation." Should 3^ou desire to build a house Without the expectation Of paying for it with the cash. Just try "repudiation." Or should your grocer furnish "grub" For you and 3'our relations. The butcher furnish you with meat, Pay with "Repudiation," RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 79 If 3^ou should buy a ton of coal, Submit to conflagration The load for which you promised cash, Then try "Repudiation." Should the doctor cure your mother-in-law And all j^our wife's relations. The proper caper then w^onld be To adopt "Repudiation." And when you come to pay the debt Of death and sure damnation, You'll find that you have Imilt your life Upon a slim foundation. For they are both inexorable; Brook no equivocation; The utmost farthing they collect- Here's no repudiation. How To Manidge A Husbun. BY JEMIMA JENKINS. Seein so many young gals a marryin now a days, that don't seem to know^ rightly how to manidge their husbuns, moves me to advise the young things how^ to get along an not be teetolly deprived of all the liberties a free born American woman is entitled to in thivS "land of the free and RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 80 home of the brave"— as the books have it, and if there is anybody calcerlated to give advice on the subject of manidgin husbuns,its me seein I've had five. Three dead and two divorced, drat em! An me not forty, yet! An the best way to make advice effective, I take it, is to write out m3^ experience in the Hne of hus- bun manidgin, an the best way to write out these experiences, is to begin at the beginnin, so to speak. I was a strong, health}^ hearty gal of twenty- four, when I married Hiram Jarrel; who was twenty-eight, an who had been Hvin on his own hundred acre farm since he was twenty-one. Hiram was a tall, broad-shouldered lad, with arms hke a prize fighters, and legs that seemed like they could stan up under a ton of coal, so big an strong they looked. He was over six feet high, an the finest lookin man in the country an the fore handiest an all the gals in the neighborhood had sot their caps for him, as the sayin is. But, law! he was the bashl'ullest feller among the gals I ever seed. How I come to get him, is "another story," as the books say, which I may wx'ite out some day RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 81 for the papers, to show the 3^oung gals how to get a husbuii when they want one real bad. One reason I wanted Hiram, was because the first letter in his last name was ''J," same as mine, which was Jenkins, because I'd always hearn that to * 'Change the name an not the letter" ''Makes the marridge always better." Well, we was married an I went to Hiram's house and I soon seed I'd have to stan up for my rights pretty strong, or I'd just be sot down on, as the sayin goes, and that was somethin I'd never let anybody do. (If there was to be any- body sot on, I genurly did the sittin.) The first real spat me an Hiram had was when Hiram wanted to spend twenty dollars for a suit of close for himself. I kno wed, by a little manage- ment, he could get a suit that would look almost as well, for ten or twelve dollars, an just to throw away eight or ten dollars that way didn't suit my notions of economy at all. But Hiram was dead sot on gittin that suit of close, an I was jest as dead sot he shouldn't. So \ve argud an argud, Hiram sayin the close he 82 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS wanted to get ''would look good three or four years, an the ones I wanted him to get would fade out in the first rain, an wouldn't be fit for a dog to wear." "Well," I said, "a dog wont /ja veto wear em. You don't call yourself a dog I hope!" That kinder fetched him, but he ''pulled hisself together," as the sa^an goes, and said, "no I don't call myself a dog; but it seems like 3^ou want me to look like one, with that old shoddy suit on. And I jest. won't wear it." That kinder made me mad, an I said, "you jest will wear that suit, or you won't wear none. So there!" An he said, "so! you'll make a dog of me, whether or no. Make me go roun without any close on." That kinder tickled me, an I could hardlr keep from laffin, but I knowd if I give in then, I'd never have my own way no more. So I jest bust out a cr34ng and said: "Oh well, go on an w^aste our money as fast as you please, an when you get in the poor-house, I guess you'll be satisfied, but I know^ what you want that fine suit of close for. You want to look fine and gran, so as that fluffy haired, baby faced Mintie McClintock will admire you, as she has been a doin ever since we was married," That RHYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 83 was a lie an I knowd it, but Iknowd any lusion to Mintie McClintock would set him off, an he'd go off an sulk for an hour or two, an sometimes for a whole day, an when he'd come in, he'd look glum as an old shoe, as the sayin is. Well! '/to make a long story short," as people say, I had my ow n way, and went an bought the cheap suit of close, an Hiram looked real nice in em at first, an after that whenever any argument would come up an I could'nt hold my own in it, I'd jest jafc him with "Mintie McClintock," an I'd always get my own way. You see Mintie Mc- Clintock figgers in the story I'm to write about "how I GOT HIRAM JARREL." Well, things run this ^^ay a little more than two years an a half— but I'd always have things my way, an if he wanted to do any thing one way, I'd be sure to want to do them another, just to show him I was boss of that house. You see it wont do to be too yieldin to a husbun, or else you wont never get your own way about notions. But Hiram was right good to me about some things, I must say that for him, 84 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 111 the spring and summer time, he'd take me to meetin in the buggy, an in the winter, when the frost was hard, he'd take me in the cutter, an I'd mend his close an keep em in apple pie order, as the savin is, an I'd keep the house as neat and tidy as any house in the country, if I do say it myself, an especially I'd keep the ''best room'' in fine fix. The glass in the windows shined like polished mirrors, so to speak, an as for bugs, or dust, }• ou could'nt find either about the place, an I kept the floors scoured clean enough that they looked like you might eat offen em. But Hiram made my life a burden by his on- thoughtedness. He'd come into the house with his shoes wet an walk over the floors an leave a track wherever he'd put his foot down; and I'd scold him for it, but he'd say, ''how can I help leavin' wet places on the floor, since shoes will get wet when the groun is wet an muddy. I scraped the mud offen em on the scraper and wiped em on the mat at the door, but scrapers an mats wont dry the shoes so as they wont mark the floor." "Well stay out doors then til your shoes get dr^^" says I. An I was a main good han at double weavin, RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 85 of all kinds, especially county pins.* I liad fifteen, all diffent patterns, put away in lavender in the big close box Hiram had made me the first year we was married. So as I said things had rim along this \\i\y a iittle more than two years an a half, when one Simday mornin along in October, Hiram an me went in the buggj^ to meetin, an the weather was cold enough to make fires feel comfortable like. But the church folks had neglected to get anv wood for the stove, an the meetin house was as cold as an ice box, an we was all sittin there shiverin like, when who should come in but Min- tie McClintock an her aunt that she was stay in with. You see Mintie had gone away as soon as me an Hiram married, an this was the first time that she had been tomeet in since she come back, an soon as Hiram seed her he first turned red an then white, an Mintie, she looked fit to faint, but her aunt who w^as holdin to her arm, giv it a squeeze an she kinder pulled herself together like an went on an took a seat near the first row of benches, an after she sot down, she pulled her vail down over *I suspect Mrs. Jenkins means countcrpins.— Ed. §6 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS her face, an ever)" once in awhile she'd kinder shiver Hke an at last she just keeled over an fainted. Soon as Hiram seed that, he jumped up an made as if he v^^as goin to her, but I cotch him by his coat tail an I says, "set down you fool, don't you know its a woman's place to go to help a woman j when she faints?" And with that he sot down, an the wimmin gathered roun Mnitie an some of em unloosed her corsit, some rubbed her hans, an some of em stuck their harts horn bottles to her ' nose, an after so long a time they fotch her to, an then Mintie an her aunt got into the carry-all (I called it, but Mintie's aunt called it sirrah, what for I don't know), an went home. After meetin was over, me an Hiram got into the buggy an went home, neither ofus say in much, an after we'd eat our cold dinner an Hiram had laed all the critters, we both went to bed. That night it clouded up an turned real cold, an next mornin it was spittinsnow wheni got up, an after I had rousted out Hiram he made the fires an went out to feed the critters, an when he come in I had breakfast all ready, and we sot down an cat it, I went an washed the dishes an put em away, RHYMES AND OTHER SCRArS 87 tidied up the kitehen an then went in and made up the bed an tidied up the rooms an Hiram was still settin roun doin nothin, an I says, ''Hiram, ain't 3^ou goin to work today?" an he says, "no I don't tliink I shall, there ain't much to do an I'm not feelin well this mornin an its goin to be Intter cold before night." "Bitter cold!" sa3''s I, "whoever hearn tell of its bein bitter cold in October? It looks more like rain," saj^s I "than it does like bein cold an that corn down by the medder lot is on the groun, an if it rains it will be spilt." "It wont rain as long as it sta3^s as cold as it is now," says Hiram, "an I'm not goin out in this weather to work when there is no need of it." "Hiram Jarrel!" says I, "with all your aggravit- ness, I never thought you w^as Inzvy but if you don't go an get m that corn I shall think you are either lazy or are grievin for that fluffy haired huzz3%Mintie McClintoek. You ain't looked like 3'ourself since you seed her yesterda3^'" With that he flung hisself out of the door mutterin somthin like "dam, I wish I never had seed 3'ou." So that was the last I seed of Hiram til long 'bout noon time. I was in the weavin room, pat- 88 RHYMliS AND OTHER SCRAPS tin in a web of dimity I was goin to weave into county pins. I had got the web all rolled on the beam Saturday when Hiram w^as there to turn the beam for me while I held the warp in place an kept it smooth' on the beam, an I had got the threads all through the harnesses an was thread in it through the sley when Hiram come in an scein me in the weavin room an no dinner on a cookin, he says, quiet like, ''Jemima, when are we goin to have dinner? I ain't much hungry, but I feel like I was cold clean to the marrow in my bones an I want a cup of hot strong coffee as soon as I can get it." I says, "you wont get no hot coffee nor hot dinner neither today; I'm busy threadin my dimity web through the sley an if I stop now to get dinner I'll forget the figger; there is that cold boiled ham in the cupboard left over from Satur- day an plenty of bread and milk an butter in the spring house; you get that out an eat it; but, for goodness sake, don't drop anj^ meat on the floor to make a grease spot for me to have to get down on my knees to scour up." "I don't want any cold vittles" says he. "I only w^ant a cup of hot coffee; if 3'ou can't make RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 89 it for me, give me the key to the store room an I'll make a pot of it myself." ''Not much you won't," says I. ''Catch me lettin you go mussin roun in my kitchen, blackin up the things an mussin up things generally an me slavin myself to death try- in to make an keep things decent like. There's plenty of cold vittles in the cupboard an if you can't eat a cold dinner once in a while, as I am goin to do when I'm too busy to cook a hot one, you can jist go without any, so there! I guess you ain't no better than I am, if Mintie McClin- tock is so dead stuck on you (an you a married man at that) she has to faint every time she sees you." So he turned away an puttin his han on his side like, went in the house an I went on threadin in my dimity. After so long a time I got it in the sley all right an by that time I was feelin pretty hungry, so I went into the dinin room aimin to eat my cold dinner; when I got in therelhearnthe affullest groanin noise in the bedroom, an I went in to see what the matter was, an there was Hiram stretched out on the bed makin all sorts of noise. 90 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS ''Whatever is the matter with yon Hiram? says I. "You are taken on as bad as if the best eow in the barn was dead." An Hiram says, ''Mintie, I mean Jemima, I've got an awful pain in my side an breast. Hitch one of the horses to the buggy an drive to town as fast as you can an fetch Doc- tor Scott as quick as^j^ou can, I beheve I've got lung fever." "Catch me payin out good money to Doctor Scott or any other doctor," says I, "for a little cold like that." So I goes to the kitchen an soon has a roarin fire in the stove an a kettle of water a bilin, an I pours out a wash basin of it an takes some towels an goes into the house an wrings the towels out of that bilin w^ater, most blisterin m3^ bans a doin it, an put them on Hiram's side an breast an when they'd begin to get cool, I'd wring em out of the hot water cin putem on again an after a while Hiram began to get easy like an dropped off to sleep, So when he went to sleep I went an eat my cold snack, aimin to go ])ack an change the cloths before they'd get cold, but alter I got to eaten I got to thinkiw about somethln else an went on an was tidy in up the kitchen; when all at once I hearn the aw^fullest scrcach, an l^HYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 01 then I hearn Hiram sa}^ wild like, "tain't so, is it Mintie? You never said I was your pet bear, an you had a ring in m^^ nose, leadin me aroun; did you Mintie? An it was all that she devil's lies, wan't it?" Well the first thought that come to me was that Mintie had come sneakin into the room an she an Hiram w^as there a backbitin me behind my back. So I just flew into the house, ready to do battle wnth both of em. But lo! an behold! when I got there, there was no Mintie there; only Hiram sit tin up in the bed with his eyes starin like they^d pop outer his head an his cheeks As red as coals of fire and him craz^^ with fever, an I w-ent to him and the tow^els I'd put on him hot, had got cold w^hile I was out, and the fresh cold he had got, had almost choked up his lungs an had nigh stopped his breathin. I was good scared then if I never was before. So I seized the dinner horn an run out into the yard and give two sharp, shrill blasts on it. This was signal for his folks that lived about a half mile away; that w^e'd agree on, when an}^ thing happened an we wanted them to come quick, an it wan't but a few minutes before here come old man Jarrel with his 92 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS horse on a keen run. He'd been to town an had jest rode up to his gate when he hearn the signal, so he never got down, but come right on. As soon as he come up I run out to meet him an said, "ride back to town just as fast as you can an fetch Doctor Scott, Ilh'am's had a fit ( r somethin an is nigh about dead." So without gettin down offen his boss, ohl Mr. Jarrel started back to town with his boss in a dead run again. Prett3^ soon okl Missis Jerrel an Hiram's sister, Tabitha, come a runnin up, both of em puffin hke porpusses. An soon as okl Miss Jarrel seed Hiram, she turned on me nn said: "This is your work Jemima Jenkins there lies the finest specimen of fizzical manhood ever born of a woman, jest done to death hy a mean, overl^carin, contrary, liard- hearted, stiff necked, selfish, soulless, Godless woman." I w^as feelin pretty mean because I had forgot to change the towels on Hiram, Imt I never was a woman to allow shuny()u thotof me like that. Give :nea 104 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS little time to think it over." An' he sez: ''How long will I have to wate for my anser, deares' don't keep me on expense long?" An' I sez, "well you take a w^alk down b3^ the fiel for a haff a'our an' cum back an' I'll give you my anser strait an' true." With that, he made as if he'd kiss me, but I put up my hans an' sez, "not so fas' Mister Jour- din. No body but my husbun that is to be can kiss me." With that he looked kinder 'bashed like an' went off. I knowed rite then what my anser was goin to be, but I did'nt want to 'pear too tickled, so I let him go an' 'tw'a'r't long afore he was back, I sez, "you hain't ben gon no haff a'our, but you shall have you anser all the same." An he sez, "what is it to be deares'? Yes, I hope." I sez, "yes it's yes,*' an with thathecotchmeroun' the waist an — but sha! what's the use of my ritin any more 'bout that? Evry gal an widder that's past thru sich an egsperunccknows howitis their- selves. So after awhile Nimrod sez: "When is the mar- rige to be, darlin', don't let it be long, sweet one?" I sez, "well it's now three o'clock, we can go to town an git the license an drive roun' by Squire RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 105 Woodard's an have him tie the knot this evenin', an have all the bother of it over at once, since the thing's to be dun, 'twere well 'twere dun quickW." I sez, quotin Shaiksper. With that, Nimrod cotch me again an the same purformans was gone thru with that was purformed when I sez yes. So Jim went an brought out Nimrod's hoss an buggy an I told Jim Mister Jourdin an me was goin fur a ride, anjim kinder grinned and did'ntsay nuthin, an me an Nimrod got into the buggy an driv off. When we got to the town clerk's offis, Nimrod told the clerk what we wanted, an after try in to maik some jokes 'bout "secon han' goods'' an the like, the clerk giv Nimrod the licens an we went on by the squires an w^hen Nimrod told the squire what we had cum fur, he was saprised, an no mis- take, an he sez: "Why, Mister Jourdin, I thot it to be Miss ," an Jourdin giv him sicha look! I never seed anything like it, an the squire he turned all sorts of cullers an sez: "Just so, quite rite! quite rite!" i4pp7e core of nuthin, as I've hearn people say sumtimes, thol don't ritely know, what they meant by it. Well the squire w^ent to the doar an called 106 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS old Miss Woodard an the gals to be witnesses to the marridge, an when they cum in, me anNimrod jined han's an the squire he said over a lot of rigamarole, an me an Nimrodsaid, "I will," when the squire told us to, an then the squire scd: ''What God has joined nsunditr let no man put apart,'' An then thcw all wished us much jo\\ An me me an Nimrod got in the buggy an went home. When we got hom: I called Jim in an told him me an Mister Jourdin was marrid an he might tell all the people he seed al)out it. Jim diddent say nuthin, but grinned like a little fule. I scd, "what are you grtnnin that w^y fur Jim?" An Jim kep on grinnin an sed, "I knowcd it." I scd, "how'd 3'ou know it Jim?" An Jim sed ngain, "I know^ed it," an kep on grinnin. An I sed, "Jim if you don't stop grinnin an tellmehow3^ouknowe(l me an Mister Jourdin was marrid, I'll box 3'our ears good fashin like." That kinder skeered Jim, an he sed: "I was passin the winder this evenin' an seed you an Mister Jour- din a huggin an a kissin, an when you went off to- gether, 1 knowed you was goin to be marrid. " RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 107 I sed, "you seed Mister Jotirdiii a huggin an kissin me you mean Jim." An Jim sed, "I thot you was doin as much huggin an kissin as Mister Jourdin was," I give him a slap an sez, "go long wnth your nonses, you sassA^ httle raskil." Jim seed I wan't mad an went off turnin han' springs an makin cart wheels, as he call'd 'em. So W'hen we got reddy to go to bed, Nimrod sez: "HaVe 3'ou got a mug or cup or sumthin I can have with sum water in it?" I told him I had mugs an cups in plenty, "but whatever do you w^ant with a a mug or cup,. either," sez I. He sez, "when I was a boy, a hoss kicked me in the mouth ad nocked out my teeth an I had to have sum new ones made, an I take 'em out every night an put 'em in a mug of water til momin." So I went an got him a mug to put his false teeth in. - Next mornin' I w^as up bright an' ^\\'\y, an' rousted out Jim an' he made a fire in the stove, an' went out an' fed the critters an' milked the cow^s, an' when I got breakfus reddj^ I went in to call Nimrod to breakfus; an' when I went in, I seed Nimrod slippin' a bottel into his valees that he car- rid aroun' in his bugg3' with his singin' outfit in, 108 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS an' when he seed I had seed him with his bottel* he sez, "that is sumthin' fur my voice. I have to take sumthin fur my voice every day, or I cuddent sing a lick." I knowed what kind of a cordial for liis voice that was, but I diddent say nuthin. Nimrod says, ''Your hour fur brcakfus are raythur airlier than I've ben customed to, Jemima, but I guess I'll ketch on after awhile," an with that he cum up to me an chucked me under the chin, an kist me, an I knowed right then he was a dcceivin liar an drunkard, but fur all that, I cud- dent help luvvin him, fur in all the time me an Hiram had lived together, he had never treated me like that. You sec, a littel pettin goes a long way with a woman. Well, things run along this way; Nimrod teachin his skool durin the week, an hissinginonSaterdys, Jim doin the chores roun' the hous, an me bizzy w4th my w^eavin, cookin an hous cleanin, an on Saterdys I'd go to the singins, an tak my place in the class as counter singer, an it was ^^good as a plny^' to see how the gals wud take on after me an Nimrod was marrid. RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 109 They'd make out that thc}^ diddent kear fur it, but I cud see they was orfuUy cut up about it. Whenever Nimrod wud git any money fur his teachin an singin, I'd manidge to wheedle him outen it, an I'd change all the bills he'd give me into gold eagels an haf eagels, an put em in the stockin with the money I'd got frum Hiram, an I'd got a purty littel pile of it; I can tell you, the rent of the farm an the butter an milk an eggs an chickens I sold, makin more than enuff to sport the fambly. After me an Nimrod had ben marrid a littel more than a year, he cum home one da3^ with a big bundel in his bugg3' an w^ent in the room while I was puttin the dinner on the tabul, an purty soon he cum out wnth a calico lookin thing on that had big buttuns up the frunt an a string with big red tossels on it tide aroun the middel, an a pare of fine slippers on, an I went up to him an looked at the thing an I seed it was not made of calico, as I first thort it was, but of sum kind of wursted goods, all figgered with fancy figgers, an lined with real silk, an quilted as fine as a gals bonnit. I sez, '*it pears to me you ar gittin mitey fine. Nimrod; where did you git that fine thing, on 110 KIIYMBS AND OTHER SCRAPS what (lid it cost?" He sez, 'This! O, this is a drcssin gown my rich uncle sent me frum York Cit3^ He sent me a smokin cap an these slippers an I jest got em outen the express to day. My uncle is as rich as grease us* an as I'm his favorit nefifew, I'll be likely to cum in fur a big slice of his property when he dies, seein he haint no wife nor childring of his own." So we sot down to dinner an Nimrod was powerful polite an jovil, an after dinner he went an sot on the poarch with that dressin gownd, an them slippers an that cap, with it's red t( ssel, an no brim on it, an it made him look for all the world like the picturs I've seed of the turks smokin his scagars. Seein Nimrod settin there so fine, an me a thinkin about that rich uncle in York CittA^ set me to woudrin how I'd feel when that rich uncle died an I was pintcd out as I cum in the meetin hous as the wife of the rich Mister Jourdin, whose rich uncle had died in York CittA^ an left him ever so much propperty. I'd no idee how much it wud be, sumtimes I'd think it was as much as twenty thousan dollars, an then I'd think * Mrs. Jenkens doul^tless means "CVcesi7s"—£V. RHYMES AND OTiIER vSCRAPS 111 no, it can't be so much as that, but it'll be all of five thousnn^ any way, an that's a heap. Well, things run along this way fur about six months longer, an one day a letter cum to Nimrod, addressed in a mitey purty han ritin, while I was at the wash tub, so I sez to myself, this letter is frum Nimrod's rich uncle in York Citt}^, I'll bet, an without lookin at the pos mark, I jest tore it open. Well, when I open'd it an seed what was inside, you cud of ''knocked me down with a feather," as the saj^in is. Instid of havin a lot of money in it. as I expected to find, there was a ac- count in it agin Nimrod fur more'n a hundred dol- lars, frum the new store in town, an a note, sayin if the count wa'n't paid by the seccun day of the nex month he wud sue on it, an in the covtnt was that fine dressin ground, smokin cap an box of seagars that Nimrod told me his uncle had sent him frum York Citty, an a whole lot of other things that I did dent known nothin about. Well, I was mad all over, but I went back to my washin, meanin to give Nimrod "a piece of my mind," as the sayin is, as soon as he cum in frum his skool. So at the rg'lar time er day, Nim- rod cum home, an a>s soon as I seed him drive up 112 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS to the gate, I went onto the poarch with my bat- tHn stick in ni^^ han an when he cum in, I sez, "Nimrod, when did 3'ou hear frum your rich uncle in York Citt3^?" "0," sez he, "a week or so ago, why?" I sez, "well I got a letter frum him today, an he is very anxious about 3'ou." And with that I handed him the letter with the count in it. You ort to seed that man, as soon as he seed what the letter was about, he turned fust red, an then white, an then a pale, sickty green. But, purty soon he pulled hisself together like, an sez, "that's all right. Give me a hundred an twenty dollars, an as soon as I eat my dinner, I'll go over an pay him." "Why don't 3'ou ask that rich uncle in York Citt3' fur the money," sez I, "an not cum beggin a pore woman like me fur it?" "I aint a askin no pore woman for an3^thing,"sez he, "I am only askin \'ou fur part of the money I have give you to keep fur me." I sez, "what sort of money did you ever give me to keep fur you." "Why, good bank bills," sez he, "more'n five hundred dollars." I sez, "I hain't never seed no good bank bills of your 'in; least wise there hain't nun of 'em here, RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 113 nor bad ones neither." What didyoudo with all that money I've ben a givin yon ever sense we was marrid?" sez he. I did'nt say nothin, only stood lookin at him defiant like. At last he sez, 'Jemima I'm tired of all this foolin, go an get me that hun- dred an twenty dollars or it'll be worse for you." I sez, "Nimrod Jourdin you hain't a goin to git no hundredantwenty dollars from me, to pay no sich gimcracks an ixtravaginzes as you've ben carryin on lately, you may want to go to the pore hous, but I don't." An with that he cum giv me a slap in the face that made it burn like fire an made me see more'n a thousan stars. That made me wild an I did'nt do a thing but just tak that battlin stick in both ban's an hit him sich a whack on his hed that I knocked him down, an after he was down I kep a hittin him. As fas as he'd start to git up I'd knock him down again. I hit him on the hed an in the face jist whenever I'd git a chance. Once I hit him in the mouth an broke his false teeth all to pieces. When I seed him a chokin on his teeth, I sed, ''another boss has kicked you in the mouth, hain't he?" At last when he seed he cuddint do nuthin, he sez: "That'll do, madam, Ui RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS you've killed one hiishuii, only you did that in a way they can't hang you fur it, but if 3^ou kill me with tluit club, they can hang you fur that." That kinder fetched me when he sed that. The thot of seein Hiram a layin there ded an how I'd treated him, worked the fite all out on me an I jist drapped the battlin stick an let him git up. When he got up he limped off wnth the blud a runnm outer his nose an mouth an 'bout a duzzen places on his hed an face, an he went in the hous an washed it offen his bans an face an patched up the cut places with some kind of plaster he had in his shavin outfit. After he'd put on sum clean close, he cum outer the hous an as he went to the stable to git his boss an buggy, I had a good look at him, an for a fac he diddint look as smart as. he did when he drew up to the gait a short haf a'our before. His face was nigh 'bout kivered with patches an his lip was cut open an swelled up as thick as the side of my foot, an one e3^e was closed, an al- together he was the orneryest lookin site you ever seed. Well he went off an that was the last I seed uv RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 115 him fur a week or more. I thot he wasjest sulking an woukl soon turn up all rite, an I had 'bout made up my mind to give him the drotted bill. One day I was busy at my loom, weavin my county pins, when I seed a strange man a ridin up to the gate. I went in the hous an breshed up my hare a bit, an the man cum up on the poarch an I went to the door an the man sed, ''Missis Jour- din I supjDOse." Isez, "that's me," he sez I have a "sytashun (or somethin like that) fur you." I sez " a what"anhe sed the saim thing over again?" I sez, "who air you, an what do you want? I don't know no more'n the ded what you mean." He sez, "I am the sheriff an I have a paper sitin you to 'pear at the court hous, but I'll rede the paper an then praps you'll understan' better. " So he tuck a paper outin his pockit an red a whole lot of law lingo 'bout "showin caus why a decree of divoorse shud not be granted to Nimrod Jourdin, dissolvin the holy bonds of matter o mon3^atween the sed Nimrod Jourdin an the sed Jemima Jourdin, an a v^diole lot of other law words that no body but a lawyer can understan, an what they put so much of sich stuff in their law papers fur I dwno 116 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS less its to pester peepel so's they'll hav to git a law- yer to splaiii it to em an giv the lawyers a job. So tlie sheriff tol nie to be at the eourt hous on the nex Monday mornin a week. I tol him I'd be thar. When the day cum I was up brite an ah'l^^ an Jim he hitched up the hoss to the buggy an I put a lunch in a baskit an a feed of corn in the buggy fur the hoss an I tuck all the munny I had an put it in my satehell an driv over to thecourt hous, an was thar befoor any of the peopel 'bout the court hous, exsep the sheriff an one or too uthurs had got thar. The sheriff met me at the doar and sed "you air promp Missis Jourdin; court wont be opin fur a'our or more; cum into my offis an set down til couit opins an I'll sho you where to go." I tol him I was much obleeged to him an went in an sot downi an waited an waited an waited til I thot the court never was goin to opm. At las the sheriff cum an told me to go with him, that coart w^as open, an he was mitey perlite to me. He tuck me inside of a railin where thar was a lot of men set ten roun, an went an foteh a cheer RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS ll7 fur mc, an the jedge was a scttiii in a pulpit like place, an he begun to rede outin a book. Suni- boddy agin sumboddy, an a littel sprig of a hiryer jumped up an sed sum.thin, an the judge rit sum- thin in. his book, an red out sumthin r.gin an another lar3^er jumped up an sed sumthin, an tlie jjdge he rit sumthin els in his book; an tliej^ kep on that way fur nigh about an hour. An I diddeut know no more what they was a doin than if I'd been in ''Tartar limbo,^^ as the say in is. At las the jedge red out sumthin like "Jourcin fasses Jourdin," an I gvOt up an sez, ''Mister Jedge, if me an Jourdin did hav a fasa, I don know as you have ixny eall to put it in your book, an read it out to all these people." Thejedge he looked as sour as old clabber, at this, an the sheriff he balled out, "silence in coart," an the larvers grinned, an the rest uv the peepil tittered, so 1 seed I'd dun sumthin rong an I sat down, with a ]3ump that shook the whole coart hous, it seemed to me. Thejedge then sed "who represents the plaintiff in this case?" an a laryer got up an sez, "may it pleeze the coart; the firm of Windy and 118 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS Workcm represents the plaintiff in this case." The jedge then sez, "who represents the defendant." I diddent know what hementandiddentsay nuthin. Mister Windy then sez, "Missis Jourdin, who rep- resents 3^011 in this case." I sez, "Jermima Jourdin represents me. I hant hearn of no boddy els goin rounpertendin to be me, have_vou?" The jedge sez, "Missis Jourdin, have you secured the servicesofa laryer?" I sez "No, what fur, shud I have a laryer?" Then the jedge sez, "In that case it be- cums the juty of the coart to pint a laryer fur you." I sez, "but Mister Jedge, I don't want no laryer." The jedge sez, "haint you got money to pay a laryer." I sez, "I've got money enuff in this satchell (holdin it up an slammin it down on the table) to bye all the laryers, an the jedge an the jury an the whole kit an bilin of you together, but I haint a goin to give nun of it to keep that ol ball-hedded, band3^ shanked, piggin toed, to3th- less, drunken frawd fruni gittin a divoarse from me." The jedge sez, kinder stern like, "Missis Jour- din, I'll have to tind 3^ou fur contemp of coart if you don't use more respekful landgwidge in its pressents." Well I diddent know w^hat he ment RHYMES AND OTHKR vSCRAPvS 111) by '^finclin^^ me. I knowed I wa'ii't lost, cos I was rite tliar in the coart lions, an I diddent know what to do or to say. At las a real nice olgentcl- man cums over to where I was settin, an sez. kinder low like, '^excuse me Missis Jonrdin — here's my kyard— if you'll allow me a few minnits con- versashun with you, I'll ixplane things to you a littul, an mabe you will better understan things." I tol him I was ever so muchobleegedtohim,anhe then went on an tole me how the3^mani(lged things in coarts, that it wud be better fur me to employ a larj^er to look after my interests. I seed frum his kyard that his name was Theodore Judkins, an that he was a laryer. So I sez "sartinly, Mister Judkins, (or mabe its squire.)" He sez, "let it go at 'Mister: " So I sez, "Mister Judkins, you look like a hones man, what will you charge me to take this case?" So he sed he'il take it fur twenty dollars, so we made a bargin, an he g3t up an tol the jedge that he'd anser fur me, an the jedge sed "let the case purceeJ." Then Mister Windy he got up an sed he'd have Mister Jour- din swoarn, an Jourdin stoo 1 up an a man sed a whole rigamiroal to hi;n, an he sed 120 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS "I do," an kissed a buk, an then went an sot down in a cheer that stood in a railin place, close by where the jedge sat in his pulpit. Mister Windy then tokl Jourdin to tell the coart all he knowed about th? case, an Jourdin he begun, an told em how I'd begun, most as soon as we was marrid, to bully an brow beet him; sed I'd never let him rest, when he got any mone}' til I'd got it away frum him, that nuthin he cud do wud pleeze me, and woun up by sayin I finalh' tried to mur- der him with a club, an showed em the places where I'd hit him with the battlin stick. Mister Windy then asked him a lot of questions, an then he sed, "you can take the witness." Mister Jud- kins then asked him if he'd ever paid anything t' wards sportin the fambly. Jourdin sed he paid all the money he hed made. Mister Judkins asked him how much that was? an he sed upon a avcr- idge it was about fitty dollars a month. Mister Judkins asked him a whole lot of questions, an got him so flustrated he diddent know what he had sed, an he made Jourdin sware he wa'n't no good any way, that he had marrid me to git my property so he cud have a good j:ime drinkin an RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPvS 121 crowzin roun as long as he lived, an that I was one of the bes wives a feller ever had, so, when Mister Judkins stopped askin Jourdin questions, Mister Windy he asked him a whole lot of ques- tions an he made Jourdin sware he was one of the innercents, nices men alive an I was aperfec "devil incordinate" as Shakespeare sez. Then Mister Windy sez, "the plainttiflf rests." An I thort it was about time for a rest, if they called Jourdin the plaintiff. Then Mister Judkins he got up an sez, may it pleeze the court; we cud put a cloud of witnesses on the stan tocrobborate all the plaintiff hez sed agin hisself and disprove all he hez sed agin this mos excellent woman, my client here, but we don't want to prevent the wretch frum gittin a divoarce; instead, v\re insist on his havin it, only stiplatin that he go free, leavin my client as he found her, Mistress of her- self and all her possessions, past, present an future. So the Jedge he rit sumthin in his buk, an sed sumthin, an Mister Judkins sed sumthin, an then he tol me I cud go home, that if Jourdin ever cum 122 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS aroun the place fur mc to give him another lesson with the battlin stick. So that's how 1 got my secon ]ius1)un, an how I inanidgcd him, an how I got shed of him. Jemima Jenkins. Invocation to Mammon, O Thou, to whom we bow tlie knee, In this enlightened age — The rich, the poor, the bond, the free The poet, priest and sage — The king, upon liis gilded throne — The beggar, in his straw. The belle, in her ])alatial home. The rol)ber and outkiw. All bend to thee the suppliant knee. And own thee for our God — We worship and adore thy power. And tumble at thy nod; We covet all tliy precious hoards. We struggle for tliy smile— We languish if thou dost but frown. We i)rofit by thy guile. RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 123 Hear us, and grant our humble pra3'er— We ask thee not for health, Nor virtue, wisdom — all we ask Is that thou grant us wealth- Wealth that makes the h3^pocrite A pious pilgrim seem. That makes the Harlot's wanton life A poet's perfect dream. That purchases, in courts of law. Immunity for crimes — That makes the usurer seem a saint. As he to power climbs. That is the politician's goal, Of ends and aims, the chief— That salves the murderer's sordid soul — That purifies the thief. That justice's mighty arm doth stay — That makes the foolish wise; Brings beauty to the Roue's breast, Makes earth a paradise; Grant us but this — we ask no more — No other boon we crave; O, Mammon! if thou'll grant us wealth. We'll be thy abject slave. We'll rob the widow other all, The orphans, we'll oppress. And call it "patient, honest toil," Or "shrewdness and address;" We'll plunder, murder, lie and steal. So it but brings us gain, For wealth's our chiefest, greatest weal. And poverty's our bane. 124 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS Hov/ I Got Hiram Jarrel Fur a Husbun- I promised in 1113^ first letter to tell you how I got Hiram Jarrel for a huslnni if that got in tl e paper, but I jumped off on that dratted Nimrod Jordan business and forgot all about it, so now I'll iill m}' promise and tell 3^ou how I got Hiram. When I was eighteen I was a healthy, strong gal, and the folks said I was good lookin', and that "Jemima Jenkins hadn't a Inzy bone in her hide.'' Be that as it may, about that thne I begun to look around among the boys, to see whieh one I'd rather marry. There were quite a lot of young fellers in the neigh])orhood, and at the husking bees and spellif g sehools, first one and then smother would beau me around, like young fellers will young gals, you know, but la, none of 'em seemed to mean an}-- thing— ju^t polite like, you know— things went along like this for five or six years and I begun to get tired of it. I always was a cnergetie sort of body, even when I was a gal, and I says to myself one da3\ Sa^'s I '^Jemima Jenkins this sort of thing won't do, 3^ou've got to bring some of these 3^oungfelkrs RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 125 to book." There was one 3^oimg feller named Hiram Jarrel. He was a tall broad shouldered lad, his body was as straight as a Injun's and his face was a rich, ruddy brown, and he had an eye in his head that was as bhie as the violets that peeped out from uuder the snow in the early spring. He was twenty-four years old and I was goin' on twenty. He had bought a hundred acre farm, jinin' his father's place, and had built a two room house, with a hall through the middle and shed room on the back for a kitchen, and a poarch in front, and had finished it up main weh, done it all with his own hands between times, like, when he wasn't at work in the field. He lived in the house by his self— kept bachelor's hall like, but his mother and sisters would go over every once in awhile and tidy up the house a bit for him, and altogether, the place looked real home like, but he was the bashfullest feller among the gals I ever seed. Seemed like when he was with a gal, he didn't know what to do with his hands, and he was allers steppin' on some gal's dress and tearin' the gethers out of it, and then he'd blush like a gal, and wouldn't seem to know what to say. But he 126 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS was sucii a good natered feller, and seemed so put out when he'd git in the way and tear the gal's clothes, that all the gals was sittin' their caps for him. So I says to m3^self, "Jemima Jenkins, Hiram Jarrel is the man you want fur a husbun." So at the quiltin bees and spellin' schools, I'd allers make it convenient like to have Hiram fur a.beau. There was a little doll faced gal, with a head of fluffy, yaller hair, and you'd think she never had a thought about a man. Her name was Minty Mc- Clintock. She begun to make sheep's eyes at Hiram, and I soon seed that Hiram was cotch un- less I did somethin' to prevent it. So one da}^ when the snow was on the ground, and had a good crust on it, I put on my things and unbeknowin' to any of the folks at home, I tramped over to Hiram's house, when I knowed he'd be to home, and I went in and Hiram was sittin' by a big hickory wood fire, and when I got inside I seed he was hidin' somethin', and that he looked guilty like, but I spoke to him pleasant like and I says, says I, Hiram Jarrel, for two3x^ars you have been beauin' me around, takin' me to spellin' school, and singin' school, and the Lord knows RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 127 where all, and now I've come to have a tinder- stanin' with you. I want to know whether you mean business or not. Well, you ought to seed that man! He was knocked all of a heap like, and he begun to stammer and stutter like he didn't know what to say, and says, says I, look here Hiram Jarrel, you was all right with me til that little doll faced, fluffy haired MintyMcClintock be- gun to make eyes at you, and 3'ou haint got sense enough to see she is jist makin' fun of you — that she don't care the snap of ni}^ finger fur you. If 3^ou could only hear how she laughs about you to us gals, and how she calls you her pet bear, and how she says she's got a ring in your nose and she's leadin' you roun', jest to have fun with ye, ye w^ouldn't be so stuck on her. Well, the color come an' w^ent in his face, and the sweat come out on his forred and his fingers locked an' unlocked themselves, an' I thought he was goin' to have a fit, an' I w^as main scaret for awdiile, but he pulled his self together and says, I was afraid that was w^hat she was doin', but she seemed so inncrsent, I thought she meant all she said, Ijut now its all 128 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS over. She calls nie her pet bear? Has a ring in my nose to lead me roun' b3^ has she? Seein' Hiram suffer so, made me desprit. I flung aside all ''maidenly modesty^' as the books says, and I went up to him and I took both his hands in mine an' I says Hiram, she aint with such honest luv — take me, your own Jemima Jenkins an' you'll never hear of my callin' of you a pet bear, nor a talkin' about hiivin' a ring in your nose a leadin' you roun'. An' Hiram says, all right, Jemima! as well you as anybody, seein' Minty was only foolin' with me. So that's the way I got Hiram Jarrell. Jemima Jenkins. Why Did Hogg Intervene? A wise looking Owl sat in an oak And blinked at the moon through it's leapy shun, And these wordswords, which he took for wisdom; spoke; Saying, "Why did Hogg Intervene?" A pert Poll Parrot, perched on a pole; Dressed in his garb of gold and green; Repeated the words of the wise looking owl; Saying, "Why did Hogg Intcryetie?" RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 129 A Jack Ass, into a pasture stra\^ed, And munched the lierbage, fresh and green; So, to be in the fashion; he, too, brave;!; Saying, "Why did Hogg Intervene?" Now, all the Asses and Parrots and Owls; (Though none of them know just what they mean) Are filling the air with their senseless howls or ''Why did Hogg Interevene?" The Tariff, Laud the glories of the tariff, It's beneficient effects On the honest, toiling millions Whose productions it protects, From the "pauper competition" Of imported mercliandisc; Let it's praises swell the echoes 'Til they pierce the verv skies. Let the wail of starving children. As they vainly cry for l)read — Let the moans of anguished mothers As the3^ sob o'er children dead — Let the shrunken forms of manhood By this tariff brought to want. The glories and the triumphs Of this mighty tariff vaunt, 130 RHYMES AND OTIIHR SCRAPS Let the Winchesters' loud rattle On M(Mion!;i:aliela's banks, From the "Pinkcrton contingent" Speak the workman's hearty- thanks For this ,^reat and glorious tariff Which makes him so secure Against all competition From eveiy foreign shore. Let the homeless, houseless vagrant B^^ the tariff brought to shame, The bL-nefits and Ijcauties Of this tariff now proclaim — But, should he turn and rend you Anil fili this land with gore, It is but a repetition Of what has been heretofore. France and Rome and Athens — (God shield us from such fate) Oppressed the laboring people Until they, filled with hate For their oppressors, turned And their long pent up ire Burst on them like an avalanche 01 tierce, volcanic lire. Then reduce this wicked tariff- Abolish ALL "combines" — Pay laborers fair wages In factories or in mines. Contentment then will follow. As day to night succeeds. Corruption breeds oppression, As oppression violence breeds,. RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 131 The Story of Ahaz, the High Priest. Then the Lord said unto Ahaz, the Higli Priest: Behold, I have observed Eldad, of the hind of Boaz, that he hath gathered together much gold and silver; and of diamonds and rubies and pre- cious stones, and jewels of all kinds, he hath great store; and also, that he hath large herds of horses and ofcattle, of sheep and of oxen; and that he is very rich. Say thou, therefore unto Eldad of the land of Boaz; "The Lord hath need for his poor, of a moiety of the goods Eldad hath gathered to- gether." Take thou from Eldad, so many shekels of gold; so many shekels of silver, and of diamonds so many; and of other precious stones, and of horses, and ofcattle and of sheep, take thou so many, that the Lord may have a sufficiency for his needy poor. Then said Ahaz, the High Priest: "How shall Eldad of the land of Boaz know that the Lord hath commanded that this thing should be done? Give to me therfore, I pray thee, a writing, that 132 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS Eldad may know tliat I am sent unto him of the Lord." Then the Lord made a writing and gave it unto Ahaz, the High Priest: And the writing was thus: ''Eldad: I, the Lord, have observed that thou art very rieh in gold and in silver, in diamonds and in preeious stones of all kinds, horses and eattle, and of sheep and of oxen thou hast large herds; but beeause thou hast been industrious and frugal, and hast gotten thy wealth by fair means; and hath been liberal to the poor, and hatli oppressed none, therefore, I, the Lord will forgive thee the moiety thou owest me for the poor." This did the Lord, to try Ahaz, the High Priest, and Eklad, of the land of Boaz. Nov»', it so happened that Ahaz the High Priest could not read tlie VvM'iting of the Lord in the km- guage in whieli it was written — for it was written in the language of the people of the land of Boaz, So, Ahaz the High Priest said unto himself, 'T will not shov»' this vv^-iting unto Eldad, of the land of Boaz, but I will say unto him, the Lord hatli need of so much of thy goods for his poor, and I will say of each kind, the Lord wants mugh RHYMES AND OTHKR SCRAPS 13:5 more than that he told me. So tliat when I ni'ike return unto the Lord, of all that He commanded, there will be much gain for me." So, when Ahaz, the High Priest, came unto the land ofBoaz, and to the house of Eldad, he made demand, in the name of the Lord, of all the tilings he had said unto himself that he would make. Now, Eldad, of the land of Boaz was a cunning man, and 'a shrewd one, so, he said unto Ahaz, the High Priest: "Ahaz, I know thou art a wp.n of the worlds and one gets as much credit from tlie world for seeming to do good, as for doing good. ''This, therefore will I do— I will give thee /or t/7v- self so much of gold and so much of silver, and so many diamonds and other precious stones, and of horses, and of cattle, and of oxen, and of sheejD, I will give thee so manj-, and thou shalt say unto the Lord, behold, it is done as thou directedst, and the poor hath been provided for according to thy word." And the things which Eldad promised unto Ahaz were more than Ahaz thought to have gotten by his strategy. So it pleased Ahaz grcath-, but he pretended to hesitate and said: ''But if the Lord 134 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS shall sa}^, where is tliy proof that thou hast clone thus, and thus; how shall I satls.'j the Lord?" Then said Eldad unto Ahaz: "This will I do. I will send with thee a man who shall witness for thee unto, the Lord that thou hast done all that whieh the Lord hath eommanded thee." And the saying pleased Ahaz, the High Priest, 9 so he went baek unto the Lord and said: "All the things whieh the Lord hath eommanded me hath been done, and I have relieved the neeessitiesofthe poor, as the Lord hath commanded." Then spake the wdtness and said, "Yea, Lord; all is as Ahaz hath said." Then said the Lord unto Ahaz, the High Priest, and to the witness from the land of Eoaz: "Thou wicked and deceitful servant; and thou, thou lying witness! Knowest thou not that the e^^e of the Lord hath been upon thee from the time of th}^ de- parture until now, and that all th^^ treaeher}-, and the cunning of Eldad, oi the land of Boaz, and the false testimony of this, thy hired witness, hath been plain unto the e^^e of the Lord as unto th3' wicked selves? Know, therefore, that if thou hadst been honest cind faithful in thy mission; RHYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 1:{5 that both thou and Ehlad woiiltl have been pros- pered, and this, thy fake witness would have been spared the ignominv of a shameful and horrible death." So the Lord smote both Aliaz and the witness that they died, and in the self same hour, smote he Eldad of the land of Boaz, that he also died, and the rielies that Eldad had, with so much ' pains and toil, gathered together, were blown by the four winds to the ends of the earth. And the Lord said: "Thus shall it be with all liars and hypocrites, and with them that speak deceitfully, , and bear false witness against my poor." THANKSGIVING DAY IN THE COUNTRY. Mother Brewster's Misfortune* - I Thanksgiving day has come at last The turkey has been roasted, And absent son, from distant West T' ancestral home has posted. And, as he drives up to the gate, The mother runs to meet him. And all the fomily gather 'round Most cordially to greet him. 136 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS II Then, leisurely into the house They walk, while they all question The son and brother about his health, His lungs, and his digestion, The mother leans on one strong arm. On the other one, his sister, As she prattles ot the length of time It seems since last he kissed her. Ill And at the thought of kisses comes A blush, wdiich mantles over Her rosy cheeks, as she recalls Last kiss from absent lover, And she wonders now if he will come To this thanksgiving dinner, And if he'll make remarks about Her being so much thinner. IV And thus they walk, and talk and think; The turkey queit forgetting. Not once imagining a thief Their plans were all upsetting. But confident they'd soon sit dowm To a turkey, nicely basted, The finest one, they all declare, That mortal ever tasted. kllYMKS AKt) OTIIIvR SCRAPS I'.H Meanwliile a tramp, by hunger prest, His sinne and ston.iach meeting, Determines them to se])arate If t can l)e done by eating, And so, with cautious, stealthy steps, (The day being dark and murky) He steals into the kitchen, and Soon makes off with tlie turkey. VI The ecstacy of joy being spent. O'er prodigal re turning- Old Mother Brewster now^ cries out *T fear the turkey's burning" So, to the kitclien now she flies • In fear and trepidation The oven open meets her gaze Fills her with consternation. VII She rushes back into the house Her eyes as l)ig as saucers In language quaint as may be found In any book of Ciiaucer's With strident voice proclaims Iier loss, Though somewliat lame and jerky. Cries, "come into the kitchen quick, Some thief has stole the turkev." 13S RIlVrvIKS AND OTHER SCRAPS VIII "For the land's snke! wliat will we do?" Exclaims old Mother Brewster Tlicres' not a foul upon the place Except the old reel rooster, Anri John's come home Irom fnrrin 'prirts Tcr eat thanksi^^ivin dinner, And all our pleasure has been spilt, By er tramp — tlicr wicked sinner." The Doctor's First Cas: lie was a doctor, fresh froni college — Mis head crammed full oF useless knowledge — Not half of which did he understand — (And he wrote a most execrable hand — The first prerequiste to a man of f ime Who writes M. D. as suffix to his name — A cunning device, if the drug don't work — The blame will fall on the prescription clerk. But the clerk, grown wise — when not C'uite vSure is He of the word— reads it aqua ])uri>, And thus, perhaps, a manA^ a liTe doth save From falling into a -premature grave He hired an office, then hung out his sign — To wait for patients he'd make up his mind. He rolled bread pills, thus to make believe He was ver3^ busy — only to deceive — In hope that some one, Vvho in passing hy Would call liim in, his newd)orn skill to tr}-. So patiently lor patients he did w^ait Until his patience aJl ran out of date, RHV.MIuS AND OTHER SCKAPS i;il) And still no patients ever came liis skill To tiT — whetiier he eonld cure or kill. At length, his money and his credit gone, And he, with nothing more to live upon; Ate his bread j^ills as a dernier resort, To prevent his falling into a state of "mort." Sitting in his office all ah)ne, one dav A bo}^ he saw, coming along that way; Hobbling, as though he was in great pain — A buo^^ant feeling fills his heart again, '•Plope springs eternal in the human breast" — ''Joy seldom kills" (I've forgot the rest Of this grand poem) let it now suffice That thoughts of suicide no longer rise — Whether rope or river, toxicant or knife Shall now cut short his young, vigrous life, A possible patient, his patience may reward And save him from river, knife or cord. The boy comes in, his foot rdl sv.-ollen — red — And to this budding genius, thus he said: "Doc, this foot hurts awful, its mighty sore — Do 3^ou think of it you can make a cure?" The doctor examined the foot with care. Then, to the boj'- he said: "I greatly fear Unless I give you speedy, needed relief. This foot will cause v'ou to come to grief- Erysipelas I see has now set in. And 'twill be only the difference of a pin If the foot will not have to come off." At which the boy in angry tones did scoff: "Airy h'll! you're way off, ole hoss. That's where I wuz stung by a derned ole wauss." 140 RHYAIES AND OTHER SCRAPS Coxey and the Congressman. In his bonrclin,^ house he sits^ Groaniii<>- like he would have fits, While he ]3on(1ers on his troul)le and its cause; For to \Vashington he came To have a quiet poker game And, incidently to make the people's laws. chorus: . Bo3^s, boys, l)Ojs, the tramps arc marcliing, With Coxey, Fr\'e and Kelly in the lead; Marching on to Washington he came To tell what must be done. That will give the people everything they need. Oh, the tramps expect to jaw At the men who make the law. And demand that gold and silver shall be free To every man who'll shirk ' The appearance of hard work, Which is only fair and right, as you'll agree. How to make the money free. The congressman can't see, For he finds that oftentimes his ''scanty hoard" After a day of jawer and jaw And a night of quiet "draw," Will not "pan out" enough to pay his board. RHYMES AND OTIIEK SCRAPS 111 For his wiiic, ci.i^ars and such, Always cost, you know so much And the nicliles to pay his fare upon the car. Besides, his 1)oots and ch)thes Cost a lot, A-ori may stij)pose, Then there's Madeline to Ije provided for. "Oil, that I could see a way" — Groans the congressman all day, "To make money plenty and good — Not Coxey and his crowd Could holier half so loud At its happy consummation as I would.'' There's a course if he'd pursue it, Which assuredly w^ould do it — If congressman and Coxey w^ould comhine — Which is — honest legislation — Much less "labor agitation" — Honest work in factory, forest, field and mine. But as long as Coxc}' cranks Continue their mad pranks. And congressmen, for boodle sell their votes, The honest men wdio work And support the drones who shirk M^xy expect to have a heavy load to tote. S ), the bjst thing to be done Is to go to Washington — (The honest men I mean, who never fail In just and righteous cause~ To do right in spite of laws,) And put Coxeyites and boodlers all in jail. 142 , RIIYMIiS AND OTIIlvR vSCRAI\S This plan \\ ould stop The tramps from marcliini;. From Coxc}itcs and boodlcrs we'd be freed. Honest work and honest laws In an honest ])eo pie's eause Would give? everybody everything they need, The Ring. A WOEFUL TALli;. Oh, have you heard the direful news? The eitv's rdmost busted; MeDonald's got the eity grabbed, No more can he be trusted; The board of public works likewise Is recreant to its duty, While Pcnn and Frank and Brackenridge Are panoplied for boot^^ They've formed a ring to rob the tow^n By advancing ready mc^iey To earr^^ on the work at the dam (Though it docs seem rather funny. How they can rob the ])eople much By furnishing the Rhino To complete the work that w^'ished aw^ay How they can do it — damfino.) RHYMES AND OTlIIiK SCRAPS 143 But Nat the i?icorruptil)le, And the "Mrijah" sny 'tis certain. Both speak as though they've ha.d a peep Behind the mystic curtain. This dreadful news should wring the heart Of every honest yeoman, And make the tears of anguish start In the ej^es of each true v^'oman. Woe! woe! woe! the ''Majah" cries, And the people cry "Whoa Emma!" While Nat Q. wipes his wat'ry eyes And " ra sties ' with his dilemma, Explaining the unexplainable, How, by the cash advan.cing, The ring can rob the citj^— 'tis A puzzle most entrancing. The truth of tlic matter is, I suspect, Nat draws on his imagination For facts, while the "Majah" backs him up In his *Ring"ing agitation; All for the sake of making votes, That Burke naay l)e elected. Vain task ! the fiat has gone forth That he's to be rejected. McDonrdd, the faithful, tiied and true (This })re(liction, ])ra\^ remember,) Will be elected mayor on The fourth day of December. And "Majali" Burke, from his fond dreams, Will sadly then a\\aken To Jie fact that in his dearest hopes. He's Ijcen — "dam site mistaken," 144 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS A Revery, The swaying willow l3y the lakes, Bending in Springtime's gentle storm, It's grace and beauty from her takes To counterfeit her slender form; The tawny leaf on graceful oak, Dancing in Autumn's heathful wind Her glossy wreath of auburn locks Portrays in fancy to my mind. Bright rain drops, glinting on the bougl Lit up by the niorning's wintry sun, Recalls her azure, laughing eyes Sparkling with roguish mirth an fun; The petals of the blushing rose. From which the bee his honey sips, But a faint reproduction shows Of her sweet, pouting lips. The pink and lily, both combined In radiant beauty, only speak Of the sw^eet vision to my mind. As I recall her creamy cheek; The melody of mocking bird. Which bids the waking world rejoice. As he the noisy echoes stirred. Was but the semblance of her voice, RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 145 So raindrops, leaf and willow tree, And mocking birds delightful trills, Are all \yat copies of the she Whose image now my mem'ry fills. And though long, wearj^ 3^ears have passed Since first I met her on the heath, The memory of her charms will last Until I draw my latest breath. GENERAL STUB'S ADDRESS, To His **Af mie, Les Chevaliers de Industrie/* Bums! Hobos! Vagabonds!! lend me your ears. Hear me for m^^ cause, and be silent, That ye may hear. We go, not to seek labor, but to avoid it. Idleness is a condition most eagerly to be sought, While industr3^ is oftentimes a weariness to the bones. As our great prototype, Pistol, the ancient. Puts it, "Base is the slave that pays." And so only he who works can pay. So, thrice a slave is he who works. Work! O, how I loathe the ver}^ word, And have since first its odiousness To me appeared. [I blush to own that once, b\' dire necessity, Forced was I, this hated thing to do.] This way it was — While peregrinating the Broad prairies — malarial — of Illinois among, 143 RHYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS Luck, against nie, liad been playing hard For many days — man traps, spring guns. And hull-dogs fierce, h^^ churhsh farmers set, Had prevented me, a decent meal To obtain, until the diaphragm of this My stomach had in close proximity Unto my spine retreated. One afternoon, while far from beaten track Of tramps and bums, I trudged, A cabin, the road hard by I spied — The door, wide open — did invite me enter — Patientl}^ though with misgivings dire, The place I reconnoitered — ot former Sad experiences mindful, lest perchance. Some accielent should me befall — No device of wily farmer met my Eager gaze, as cautiously I peered and peeked, Fearing some new calamity; But hunger, tlie most timid will Embolden. So boldly I entered — No snarling housewife, or husband rude, Bade me djpart— but, joy ! Instead, Upon beams and rafters, black with smoke. Large, flakey sides of tawny bacon hung. While rich and juicy hams the gnaried Walls adorned. Upon a shelf in one Corner stood a fat, black bottle— filled. As fondbv^ I imagined, with the stuff that cheers As well as inebriates. This bottle, with avidity And both hands I grasped. With one The resisting cork I drew, the mouth Of this "Black Bess," the siren, unto my lips I pressed, nor it removed until RHYMES AND OTllKR SCRAPvS 147 Full three large swallows I imbibed, When — Paiigh! Instead of the rich, Heart cheering "old Monongahela," I found the bottle filled with cursed Oil of Palma Christa seed; For the next two da3^s I worked As only he, with stomach filled With this vile stuff, can work, and Ever since the word unto me has Been nauseating. But I have digressed. Noble Comrades, I congratulate you Upon the rapid stride towards Independence we've advanced; Time was, and not so long ago, WMien our noble order bums and tramps Were called. Now, by a happy thought, A stroke of genius, "The Industrial Army" We are named; and when, aforetime. We roamed in couples, or by threes and fours, And forced were we, cold snacks And "hand outs," from rear kitchen Doors from grudging bauds to accept, In a position now are we to take By force what was once denied, Or but grudgingly to us given; Now, instead of being by hireling Slaves of monopolistic greed. When w^e would move from place To place, seeking a climate, our fastidious Taste to suit, thrown from the cars, And compelled, the rough and Jolting brake to ride, or by stealth And cunning, get ourselves lockcrj 143 RHYAIES AND OTHER SCRAPS Up ill noxious, foul smelling freight Car, by traveling in a body, organized And ofiieered by men as far above The eommon, as are the officers of your noble army, We ean demand free passage on Emigrant sleeping cars. Stop off Where we jDlease, demand our rights, And by sheer force of number these Demands enforce. Now, instead of— as heretofore We were compelled to do — sneaking Into the towns ah)ng the route, and Hiding in the suburbs from which Lurking ])laces we were forced To steal at night and pilfer A scanty subsistence, our approach Is heralded by telegraph from Tovv^n to town — ^ind burghers, fcit And pompous, stand ready our Slightest w^ish to gratilV, while Blue coated minions of the law Obsequious are — nor dare their Authoritative — "Move on" to issue- Governors and ministers of state Tremble at our nod, and our every Behest ol)ey. And ere fong, my noble friends, Your General the president of these United States shall be — and when This shall come to pass, as idleness Is now called industry — so shall Crime be called virtue, and kHVAlES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 149 Lewdness, chastity. Then shall No member of this noble army Be ever locked up in loathsome Prison, but he shall roam the Conntr\% free as the Co^^ote on the Broad and fertile prairies of Texas. Then will your ilkistrions President follow the course marked Out for himself, by the luckless Cade, whom "hunger, not valor, slew" Before unto his rightful crown he came. Ah ! my loyal comrades, visions Of greatness pass before my spirit eyes, Thoughts of granduer this heaving Bosom swells. I, as you know, Am no common man. Destiny Has laid her hand on me and bids Me arise and follow her; and Whether she leads me in palace car. Or along the dust3^ highway on foot, There is no escape. Great w^as I Born to be, and great I shall be; And when I am great then shall ye Be provided for, such of j'-ou, at least, As prove faithful to your high calling. Stand fast, therefore by your general — These rags, this grime and dirt Our badges be. Our motto: "Die before we'll work." Most hearty thanks my ragged friends. For the polite attention given this address, 1 now close with these lines From Burns — Scotia's immoral bard. 150 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS A fig" for those by law ])rotectccl — Liberty's a glorious feast- Courts for Cowards were ereeted, Churches built to please the priest. ACROSTIC, Respectfully Inscribed to Company E, First Re^^ ginicnt Texas Cavalry, Come, brave Texans, mount your chargers Unto death, if need be; swear Longer shall not Spanish tyrant Breathe fair Cu1)a's troT)ic air, Ever for the right do battle- Ride as Texans ahvays ride — Swift to succor needy |)eople — Nnward, Texans, side by side. Nerved for victory's topmost tide. Georgetow^n mothers, sisters, wives, Urge you on to fame and glor3% Achievements, then, of 3^ours will be Remembered long in song and story, Deed of valor there narrated. Scenes of daring there rehited. RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAI\S 151 Shadows on The Wall Vanity of Vanities Saith the Preacher; All is Yanit3^ —Solomon. Once, when a child I \aj in bed, Hobogblins, grim and tall Unto my frightened gaze appeared And danced upon the wall. I screamed — my mother to me ran At my first, frenzied call And showed me my Hobgoblins were But shadows on the wall. Since I have reached maturer age And mem'ries, scenes recall — I find that most of good or ills, Are shadows on the wall. Let Fame's loud trumpet to' the man Of action shrilly call — He wastes his heart and brain to find — A shadow on the wall. Or should he, hoards of wealth desire — To gain it he may crawl At foot of mammon, he will find — A shadow on the w^all. Should Envy's shaft of venom, fiung By enemies, and fall Upon his unprotected head — 'Tis ^'Shadows on the wall." 152 RHYMES AND OTftER SCRAPS Should Love, that fills the human heart With ec Stacy or gall Be his, he'll onlj^ find, perhaps, A shadow on the wall. Yet we should strive great things to reach, (Though we may often fall) Lest we ourselves shcmld only be But shadows on the wall. And when at last Grim Death shall come. As come he must to all — May He as harmlevSS prove, as were The shadows on tlie wall. The following lines were suggested by the stor}^ of an outcast told the w^riter one night at the Police Station where she had come to make com- plaint against another of her class, who she said had used profane, offensive and abusive language to her because she would not associate with them on equal terms, and if the writer could put such pathos into the lines as she put into the story, it would move the hardest heart to pity for her. Despair, Once I w^as pure as an Angel, Light hearted, happy and gRy; Free from all care cank'ring sorrow, Blithesome and bright as the day; Life to me then w^as a pleasure. Filled to the brim full of joy. Bliss unexampled and holy. Unmixed with the slightest alloy. kllYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 153 Parents and brothers and sisters, The hght of their love o'er me shed — My husband— Oh ! Heaven protect ine ! Not that way my thouglits, or I'm mad! He loved me, be said — had he shown it, False friends, with their flattering lies Had not lured me awa}^ from his l)osom, Which once was to me — Paradise. He left me to pine in seclusion. While lie with lewd cyprians would quaff The mad bowl of intoxication With wild song and boistrous laugh, A friend saw m^^ lonely condition. Poured soft, honej^ed words in my ear — I listened, alas; to his pleadings, I ^delded, and noAv, I am here. My heart's torn with Hell's raging fires — Give me opiuin, oblivion, or death — Something to stop this wild throl)bing Of brain, though it robs me of breath — One drop of the waters of Letlie, One moment of memory rid, Hark — list to the swift rushing river — One plunge, and my shame is all hid. A Christmas Sons, Ring out ye chiming bells! Ring in the natal morn Of Him whose tender bosom sv\^ells With love for men, forlorn, A lost and ruined race 154. RHYMES AND OTHER i^CRAPS Whose gilt He doth efface, The Christ wlio on tliis da}- was born. Crack your bronzed sides, Ijells, As glad 13^ ye proclaim The story which this morning tells Of Him, whose wond'rous name. Whose might^^ deeds of love, His grace and power to prove, Took on Himself our guilt jind shame. Let voices join with bell In loud and long acclaim, Let joyous hearts the anthem swell, Of praises to His name, Hosanna to our king Let bells and voices ring, And every heart unite to sound His fame. Tell of His groans and sighs, Ye solemn, tolling bell, Tell how a loving Savior dies 'T redeem our souls from hell. While voices raise the glad refrain, Jesus was derul, but lives again That we with Him might dwell. A Doggone Sad Story, A tale of horror thrills all hearts And makes them quiver — "A Woman^s DrowndecV'—^o it gees; Down at the river. RHYMES AND OTIIIsR vSCRAPS Perchance, some lovelj-, laded flower— A lovely woman, By man beguiled— thus ends her sorrow A- story common. Oh! but there is, in deepest hell— A place that's fitting. Where such as him their just deserts Will soon be getting. Or, maybe a cruel parent Forbade the union Of two fond hearts that beat as one In sweet communion. Such, often is the case, we know — Parents, take warning! Remember, you too, once were young; Nor love be scornig. Or, yet again, perhaps some motlier, Lost son bewaiUng; Sought thus, her life and woes to end — How unavailing. While this, the people stood and talked- With grief confounded — One sent to investigate, reports ".4 Do/^' is Drowndecf RrtVMES AND OTHER SCRAPS Answer to ''Where Is My Boy To^Night/* A mother sits in her louel\' room — Her sad heart torn witli fears, Her mind, with dire mis.<2:ivings filled. Her pale cheeks wet with tears, As she thinks al^out her absent Idov So handsome and so l)ri.i4ht — The oft recurring question comes, "Where is m3' boy to-night?" "My hoy, with curly, sminy hair, And open manly brow — He who was once his mother's joj^— Vvhere does he linger now?" Oh ! motlier,-nerYe 3'our heart and brain For piteous, w^oetul sight. In fanc3^, take a stroll wilh me Beneath the electric light. , Behold 3^on, gilded palace, rare, Ablaze with warmth and light. Hear the loud laugh, the tipsy shout — The maudlin song to-night — Behold, in drunken frenzied glee That bo3^, so lair and bright. Steeped to the lips ill '"liquid death''' — (Said I not 'twas piteous sight?) But, stay a moment — watch his step As np the "private stair" He makes his way, where Demons lurk To drag down to despair, KIIYMliS AND OTHER SCRAPS 157 All those wlio come; where, o'er the door, They'll soon or later find — Like Dante's Spirit — this legend — ''Here leave all liO])e Ijehind." We follow next his wayward steps — His passioris all aflame — But, spare me further record of This poor boy's sin and shame, And blame me not, if I offend Fastidious ear cr sight — "We have attained the sought for end" — IFe' re seen your boy to-night. Oh wonen of America! Shall such things alwa\^s be? "Is there no balm in Gilead" To heal such misery? Shall mother's tears and mother's prayers, And mother's ardent love Be always wasted— never heard — All unavailing prove? No! Shake off listless lethargy. Your giant power prove — Strike at these plague spots of the earth — And rescue those you love. Strike first at old "King Alcohol," Strike, each, with a Vulcan's might When he's subued the victor}' 's vv'on, Your boy'U be sate at night. 158 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS A Tale of a Dog and Its Tail, Once there was a little tail Grew on a little clog, And every time that clog was pleased This little tail would wng, Tliis little tail, presumptuous grown, When things would not quite jog- To suit its little notions, It would try to wag the dog. Tiiis little tale has oft been told. In almost every nation; And's not intended as a hit At "Bond Repudiation." No Concern of Mine. "Bear ye one anothers burdens, and so ftdiill the [aw of Christ." When poverty and sore distress Your neighbor overtakes; Or siekness in his pleasant home Its horrid presence makes, ^ IF^^ou are happy, pass him by — Let this remark l)e thine — "I nothing for his trouble care, It's no concern of mine." Should rumor, with her "thousand tongues" His character assail. And slander, with its venomed stini>- RIIYMKS AND OTIII'R vSCKAPS 151) His lair, good name inii)cilc; Let not these thini^s disturb thy rest — Your eharaetcr's sceure — But let tliis thought prevade your brest — I'm not eoncerned I'm sure. Or should his daughter, fair and sweet By seoundrel l)e betrayed, With haughty mien and pious frown The striken girl upbraid. Or pass her hy in silent scorn Howe'er her sad thoughts pine O'er loss of all she held most dear — It's no concern of mine(?) Or should his wayward boy be led Into the paths of vice By comrades of the baser sort — When nothing will suffice To wean him from his devious course. Still let your virtues shine And balve your soul with this vain thought — "It's no concern of mine." In short, whatever may befall Your neighhor and your friend, As long as rot? are safe from harm No sympathy extend To lift the load of sorrow from His anxious troubled mind— And Hell will soon reveal the fact It \vn§ concern of thine. 160 KIIYMBS AND OTHER vSCRAPS To^Morrow, To-morrow, the day when indolence Will industry pursue; To-morrow, the day when spendthrift pays The debts he owes are due. To-morrow, the day we make amends For all oiir past misdeeds: To-morrow, the day kind fortune sends Relief for all our needs. To-morrow, the hungry look forljread, The invalid, for health — To-iiiorrow, the maiden liopes to wed; The miser, to gather wealth. To-morrow, the day when all our woes Are past, or laid aside; To-morrow, the da_v when all our hopes And wants are satisfied. To-morrow, the day that never comes, To bring us joy or sorrow — Then live in hope — God reigns o'er all; And takes care of to-morrow. Then, let us well improve to-day — Nor pain nor trouble borrow — To-day is ours; we know not whiit's In store for us to-morrow. RHYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 161 The Old City Clock, Hear the ''booming" of the old city clock As it tolls the passing hours as they Hy, With its hands upon the dial, taking note Of the minutes as they hurry swiftly b3^ Its "boom, boom, boom" Seems to be the knell of doom Of the hours and the minutes as they die. The historj^ of men and things in town, A quarter of a century, and more We could learn, could we only understand The meaning of the messages it bore; It could tell of murders, fires. Blasted hopes and fond desires, Of troubles and disasters by the score. It could tell again of many a noble deed. Of loving, faithful, helpful, outstreched hands, To weary, helpless, hopeless ones in need, In obedience to the Lord's divine commads, — Of souls from out the mire. Of temptations, strong and dire. Lifted up by those faithful, helpful hands. Of births, of happy marriages "galore," Of fightings, feuds, of jealousies, and hate. Of charit}^ and love, of friendships true, And man3^ deeds of kindness could relate, An epitome of life, Of its struggles, triumphs, strife, This garrulous old city clock could prate. 162 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS The Dying Tramp* I've b:en er rovin, tbievin tramp — Be'n playin in hard luck Seiice fust I left my father's farm, In pleas in t ole Kaintuck, Whar I -war born, an growed ter be Er helthy country lad — But since I went upon ther tramp, I've gore all to ther bad. 'Twas thar I uster drive the cows Up f'om ther blue grass field, An feed ther pigs an water "Ball," An go ter mill fur meal, An ketch ther fish an tra]) ther birds An hunt ther "cotton tail" An carr3^ water from the spring In mother's cedar pail. Them boyhood da^-s ar past an gone- They'll never cum ergin, Fur now I'm but er ramblin tramp. All smeared wid dirt an sin. I've bruck most ev'ry law unjail That man er God has made — Fer since I bruck my mother's heart, 'T seems brakin's be'n my trade. Ther reason why I cum ter tramp Is told in but few words — I got inter bad comperney. An got ter playin keards— RHYxMES AND OTHER SCRAPS 168 I went ter see ther bosses run— And bet on the rong boss, An robbed my father's trunk ter pay Ther money what I lost. My father druv me way f om home— Ah! 'twas bitter words he spoke— Mebbe he war right— 'know I war rong— But mother's heart war broke, An now I'm but er dyin tramp- Not fit ter die I know- Is God as piterless as man ? Will He no mercy show ? My mother, when a little chile, I sot upon her knee A fing'rin uv her purty curls, Said Jesus Christ luved me, I wonder now, if He's furgot That love so freely given; Er, if my lawless acts in life Will bar me out er heaven ? Thus mused the weary, homeless tramp, While lying all alone Upon his bed of fallen leaves, With none to hear his moan— The thoughts of childhood's happy home- Each tender, loving word, Like half forgotten melodies, His fading mem'r^'' stirred. And as he moand, a spasm shook His erstwhile stalwart frame— 164 RHYMES AND OTHER SCRAPS A fjloss^' film stole o'er his eyes, His breath in short gasps came — With hands uplifted toward his God- In trembling tones he cried "Oh! mother, let me come to 3'Ou" — And so the wanderer died. The Bell. ADDRESSED TO E. T. MOORE, SUPT. IOtiI ST. METHODIST SUNDAY SCHOOL. To run a Sunday School just right. There are man}- things required — As patience and persevercnce — The art ''to not get tired'' — Pure piety is essential — A heart, with love o'erflowing — But a Bell, 3'ou cannot do without, If you'd keep the school a going. Perhaps, 'twould be as well, sometimes, To have the text exponded As 3"ou so well know how to do. In ''sentences well rounded^' — To pray devoutly for the school — To know the lesson well- All these things come in happy, But vou're bound to have a Bell. RHYMES AND OTHER vSCRAPS 165 Then heed this admonition— Do'n't let the cares of life— Your business at the court house — It's struggles and it's strife, Make you forget your duty — You know it now quite well, But some day in the present week Be sure to buy a Bell. One whose tintinnabulations Shall call the Sunday School At once, to recitation And put it under rule Having written this reminder — (May it do it's office well) I subscribe myself, sincerely. Your friend, T. J. Camp-Bell Washington Ularket, Cor. Congress JIvenue and Second Street, Both Phones 234. John Sheehan, Prop. () '^ivd'^rvd '^:>®-^E:>(^^ifc>.d'^by^-%yA-^d'^t>®'^>®'^i^^'*'^^''^^^ Ca^rl Ma^yer, Diamonds, Watches, Clocks, Jewelry, Cut Glass, Spectacles. Rei)airing in all its branches. CARL BELISCH Furniture, Carpets and Stoves Pianos, Organs. The Celebrated Standard Sewing flachine. Houses Furnished from Kitchen to Parlor. All Goods Sold on Easy Payments. WE RENT WE CREDIT t ^ WE BUY € WE SELL ^ 3 WE DO ANYTHING TO PLEASE K. O. MILLER fQ<^,^-'^^Q<:^(^<:^Q<^Q<<^!d-'^.9<^^'<^^<:^qf<^^<^^<^^ <{» ««i* i» *<»}:*<>* j> i:t *:»<* i{i j» i» •» >lli''Si'ii'^^^^^'£l'^^^^^^^^'l9'^^'^^^^'!^^^'»^'ii'^'S' 1 COPY DEL. TO CAT. DIV. A^^, SO 1902 I TA^LOTi 'BTiOS., I DeaLlers Irv '^ ^ Staple and Fancy Gocereis. | Phone 229 211 Bast 6th Street 6rah(itn & JIndHWS •4 uadim Druggists, 912 Cong. Jive. JIustin, tixas. JACOB WATTINGER C. P. LEDBETTER Associated. I Wattinger & Ledbetter t t General Contractors ^ 3 and Builders t i t 1 II it is in the Drug Line it is at I i C o r fi t£/ e I /V € .# . . ^ 9 Everything pertaining to the Drug business is kept here, e A We make it a point to at all times have in stock just such ^ S articles as you would expect to find in an up-to-date ^ A pharmacy. Try us. CORN WELL'S Drugstore. Tel. 288 J ^ Dealer In ^ ^ WALL PAPER, PAINTS and OILS, | i White Lead, Varnishes, Window QIass ' i 9 and Painters' Supplies. e ^ 711 Congress Ave. Austin, Texas. ^ I ^^^ juhe^ Pickwick. I ^ SAort Orders a Specialty. i A MEALS 25C. f 2 Tel. 807 W. C. KERN, Prop. 607 Cong. Ave. } i ^ I J' ^ M HI'R^HFEL'D. « I The Clothier i ? 613 Cong. Ave. Austin. Texas. ^ I Tiscbcr ^ Ldmbk, I Contractors. \ W. a SHELLEY, t LIFE, FIRE and £ ACCIDENT I INSURANCE AGENT r Gin and Farm Insurance a Specialty, t. Only First-class Companies Represented, I HUME BR.OS. |: Deatlers in Ca^ttle f and Land. I 105 East 9th Street. Alfred H. Robinson, Dealer In % « Feed, Coal and Wood. J 3501 & 3503 Quadalape 5t. Phone i8a. ^ J. E. SHARP, I Contracting Painter, i 331 W. 6th St. Austin, Texas. I Phone at Residence. ^ No matler how large, no matter how small the % Gtf national Bank I of JIustin, texas, J CapitsJ $t5O,O0O I Will give your banking business prompt and care- ^ ful attention. « Tor the Little Telhws... Our Boys and Children's department is complete in every detail. Bring your boys to us and we will clothe them be.ttec and for less money than you ever paid before. Smith ^ Wilcox, Clothing, tyats, Turnishings Tor Wen and Boys,.. For Swell Footwear, Go to the Leaders, Walk E^Z^Y Shoes for Ladies and Men, $350, The highest art in shoemaking. Butt Shoe Co., 6I2 Cong. Ave. J. A. Puckett, Dealer In Choice Beef, Mutton, Pork and VeaL Cor. 26th and Guadalupe St. Phone 496. Austin. Texas. tmmmmmmmm Rhyipes ■ ■ J Roughly I Rendered i aLnd ■ j ^ Other Scraps ^ ! by M T. J. Cdcmpbell ji m TKe Lea.der in the Line High Grade Wall Paper ^ Painters* Supplies. Stamps or Coupons. C. B. Moreland, 105-107 W. 6th St. Phon* 33». GEORGE FIEGEL Contractor and Builder, Stair Building a Speciaft^J^ Work of all Kinds done with Neatness and Dispatch. Tel 93, Office 411 Lavaca St. Austin, Texas. CHAS. S. CAT^OJV, Uuner and K^epairer. R.eslder\ce: 1612 Bracckenridge St. PKcne 958. Austin, ----- Texats. Jiustin Steam Laundry, B. S. Ko^m, Prop. Solkits )loup trade. Jill Work Buarantttd. m Cong- •^•"- Old Phone 955. W. H. STACY, I Loans, Fire InsuraLi\ce, i R.eal Estate, Surety Bonds. * Litten Building. Austin, Texcxs * * troff Skam Laundry, Georgetown, texas. % Tirst Class Work. Dyeing and Cleaning. | JIgents Wanted. Ji. 6. Koon, Prop. S James Ws^terson, Contractor and Builder, Avistin, Texa.s. i Tiscber & Bro,, \ 4 i I Dialers in 6r^€rit3, Tad and Cb^rc^ah ^ f Sptcial HtUnthn U OrdtfM f&r Cord Wood. { ^ i ttl W*ft 6th Stmt. ttUph»nt 54. » 7 C m 2 EttabUtli*! 18M. ^ I TIN. COPPER AND SHEET IRON WORK. • Plmbing and Sewer Work, Bicycle Repairing f and Sundries. m ^ 1417 Lavaca Street. Phone 603. Austin, Tex. I Austin Wliite Lime Co., I Dea.lers In t Cement, Piaster, Keene's Cement, Hair, Sewer i Fire Bricks, Etc. f 415 Ctngress Ave. Telephone 294. ^ Library of Congress ranch Bindery, 1902