NO PI^AYSI EXCHANGCO. i^AHER'^ Edition m of Pl7\y3 m The Private Tutor Price, 25 Cents THP AMA70NS V^^^ ^ ^I'^^^ -^^^^b- seven males, ave^emaies. tUl4 AUiai4 lit? CoBtumes, modern ; scenery, not difficult. Plays a fall evening. m CABINET HimsmR Ss;,".'r.l-,»'Se'rs= Bcenei y, three interiors. Plays a full evening. DANDY DICK ^*'"*'® ^ Three Acts. Seven males, four lemaJes. CostumeSv modem ; scenery^ two interiors. Playe two hoars and a halt THP AAV IflDII nriPT Comedy in Fo or Acts. Foor males ten lllG UAl LiVAV VtCA ,^^^^^1^^ Costumes, modem ; sceoery. twc interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. BIS BOOSE IK ORDER lZiroZ^T:J^t.7^:::Z three interiors. Plays a full evening. THP HORRY RORSF Comedy in Three Acts. Ten males, five IU£ UUDOl UVAJC females. Costumes, modern; scenery easy. Plays two hoxirs and a half. inic Drama In Five Acts. Seven males, seven females. CostumeOi modem ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. I ADY RAIINTIV'ITI ^^^ ^ Four Acts. Eight males, seven fe- LfAIfl UWIM.UVI4 ijia_ieg_ Costumes, modern ; scenery, four in- teriors, not easy. Plays a full evening, I VTT\ Drama in Four Acts and an Epilogue. Ten males, five f e- '^^ * males. Costumes, modem ; scenery complicated. Plays a toll evening. Sent prepaid on receipt of price by Waltn ^. 'Bafier & Company Kb. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts The Private Tutor A Farce in Three Acts By E. J. WHISLER Copyright, 1907, by E. J. Whisler BOSTON WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 1Q12 The Private Tutor CHARACTERS Fred Spencer, who believes that experience is the best teacher. George Carothers, his chum, who also seeks experience. Mr. Spencer, his father, who owns an oil well. Hans Dinklederfer, his undoing, the leader of a little German band. Richard, servant at the Spencers^ Mrs. Spencer, Ned's mother, who feels the responsibility of the oil well and has social aspirations. Dolly Spencer, his sister, who has a mind of her ozvn. Miss Snap, a detective. SYNOPSIS Act I. — Fred Spencer's rooms at Clearfield College. Act II. — The Spencer home. One week after Act I. Act III. — The Spencer home. Ten minutes after Act II. Copyright, 1912, by Walter H. Baker & Co, TMP92-007525 ©CID 28754 The Private Tutor ACT I SCENE. — Fred Spencer's rooms at Clearfield College. Doors R., L. and c. Window in flat. College flags, posters, etc., hung about the walls. Chairs R., R, c. and L. Tabourette beside chair R. {A little German band is playing off stage as curtain rises. Discover Fred seated R. smoking a pipe.) Fred. Plague take that band ! The so-called music they make is enough to give a man the horrors, and I am nearly desperate now. As though it were not enough that I should be caught coming away from that prize-fight, the fates have de- creed that while I live in hourly dread of the inevitable notice of expulsion from school, it shall be with an accompaniment of creepy music by a little German band. (^The band stops play- ing.) Thank heaven they've stopped. [Rises and paces about.) I wonder where Carothers is. If he doesn't come pretty soon I'll die of sheer nervousness. This suspense is killing me. Enter George Carothers, d. f. Geo. Good-morning, Fred. Fred. Oh, here you are, at last. Geo. Any news ? {Goes to tabourette r., takes pipe, fills and lights it.) Fred. Not a word. Have you heard anything ? Geo. I've heard nothing. Fred (^seated r.). I wonder what's keeping old Moriarty so quiet. It has been three days since he caught us coming away from that prize-fight, and he is usually very prompt — especially in matters of this kind. 3 4 THE PRIVATE TUTOR Geo. {seated r. c). If he knew what mental anguish he is causing us by holding us in suspense, I don't believe he would ever communicate with us. Fked. Don't talk about it ! I haven't slept a night since. Geo. Oh, Spencer, why did we ever go to that prize-fight ? Fked. Don't ask such fool questions. We did go, and got caught too — worse luck. The point to consider now is how to get out of it. Geo. I don't see hovir we can get out of it, for old Moriarty himself saw us coming away, and you know what the penalty is for going there. Fred. Expulsion ! I know what will happen to me when the governor learns of this. Geo. What is that ? Fred. The bread plate will no longer be passed in my direction. Geo. I don't understand. Fred. I have been expelled before, you know. Twice. {Quickly.') Altogether a mistake in both cases, I assure you. Mistaken identity in the first instance and circumstantial evi- dence in the second case. Geo. {knowingly). Precisely so. I understand. Been there myself. The innocent party always suffers. Fred. Don't you believe me? Geo. Didn't I agree with you? Fred. Yes, but 1 don't altogether like your tone of voice. Geo. I give you my word, I believe you. Go on with your story. Fred. Well, the last time it occurred the governor at a private session told me he was going to send me here to school and assured me, kindly — but firmly, that in case I got into any further trouble our hitherto cordial relations would cease and that I would be under the necessity of providing my own maintenance. Geo. You don't mean to say that he threatened to cut you off! Fred. That's just what I do mean to say. Geo. Pretty straight talk, Fred. I should say so. And the worst of it is that he meant it. Carothers, can you imagine me earning my own living? Geo. Well, Fred, I have a pretty strong imagination, but it won't reach that far. THE PRIVATE TUTOR 5 Fred. Why, I can't even sprinkle the lawn without getting more water on myself than the grass. Geo. We surely are in for it. Now, what are we going to do? Fred. I leave it to you. You got us into this scrape; now, you can get us out of it. Geo. /did! Fred. Yes, you did. Geo. I did nothing of the sort. Fred. Well, you did. Geo. Well, I didn't. Fred. Well, you did. Geo. Who was it proposed going to the fight? Fred. You did. Geo. (JioHy). I beg your pardon, I never Fred (easily). I accept your apology. I think it is due, considering the trouble you have gotten me into, Geo. I tiever proposed going. Fred. Well, 1 declare. Carothers, I always thought you had a monumental nerve ; now I am convinced of it. Geo. Who was it came down to my rooms last Monday night with the information that there was to be a fight? Fred. I. But that doesn't prove that I proposed going. Geo. Who was it volunteered the information that he had two tickets ? Fred. I. But that doesn't prove that I /r^/^j,?^ going. Geo. Who was it said, "Do you want to go along, Ca- rothers? " FuED. George, we have always been good friends, too good friends to quarrel over trifles at such a crucial moment as this. We got into this scrape together, we will be expelled together, let us stick together to the end. (Holds out his hand.) Geo. (^folding his arms). Who was it proposed going to the fight? Fred (zvalkin^ to windoiv in flat). Oh, I did ; I did, of course. By Jove, there's the postman. I wonder if he has a letter from Moriarty ; I'll go and see. (Exit, d. f. The Utile German band begins to play outside.) Geo. Shade of Mozart, hear that band ! It isn't enough to have one's fondest hopes of a brilliant academic future rudely shattered, but they must be interred to a requiem, played in b THE PRIVATE TUTOR Staccato, by a little German band. (77ie music stops suddenly. Enter Fred d. f., with a letter.') What's the matter with the music ? Fred. Nothing, now ; it has stopped. I gave them a dollar. Geo. a dollar ! Why, man, they'll play all afternoon. (Fred starts out.) Come back. Wait until they begin again. 1 want to see that letter. Fred. Do you know, I think that of all the fiendishly con- trived tortures of this modern civilization of ours, the little German band is the chief. Geo. {anxiously). Yes, yes. Did you get a letter from Moriarty ? Fred {holding it up). Here it is. {Looks toward ivindow anxiously.) Geo. Never mind. They'll not play again until they spend your dollar, and the nearest saloon is in the next block. Is that letter from Moriarty ? Fred {reading envelope). "Clearfield College. A. D. Moriarty, A. B., LL. D., Ph. D., President." {Shakes his fist.) D Geo. A— M— N. Fred. It ought to have a black border two inches deep all around. Geo. That wouldn't leave any room for the address. Fred. So much the better; he couldn't send it to us. Geo. Open it. Fred. Open it? {Fumbles with it a moment.) I don't feel very well. You open it. Geo. {opening envelope and taking out letter). Ready ? Fred. Go ahead. Geo. {reading). " Mr. Fred Spencer. Sir : " Fred. Doesn't he say, "dear sir " ? Geo. No. Fred. I know what that means. Read on. Geo. {reading). "On Monday night last you, in company with Mr. George Carothers, were observed in attendance at a prize-figlit, held in the club rooms of the Jolly Boys' Athletic Club. As you well know, attendance at this club's affairs is prohibited by the college authorities under penalty of ex- pulsion." THE PRIVATE TUTOR Fred. 0-h ! I know what follows; but read on. Geo. (reading^. " However, in consideration of your previous good behavior, and the fact that your misdemeanor is not generally known, the faculty has decided not to expel you Fred. Three cheers for old Moriarty. He has a heart, after all. Read that again ; it sounds better than a love letter. Geo. {leading). "The faculty has decided not to expel you, but to suspend you for a period of thirty days. Your reinstatement at the expiration of that period will be de- termined by your conduct during the intervening time. Yours truly." Fred. "Your reinstatement will be determined by your conduct." Carothers, if you want to know how an angel be- haves, watch me for the next thirty days. Geo. And here's another candidate for wings. I suppose he has sent me a letter just like that. Fred. Of course. {They shake hands enthusiastically. Bell rin^s off stage. Fred goes to windotu ifi flat. ) Heavens, there's father and mother at the door. Of all the times they could have selected to come here, this is the worst. I'm lost now ! Mr. Spencer {outside). Never mind going up, madam. We can find the room. {Enter Mr. Spencer, Mrs. Spencer and Dolly Spencer, d. f.) Well, Fred. Fred. Why, dad ! How are you ? Mr. S. Surprised to see us, eh ? Our visit is a little un- expected — to all of us. Fred. And mother too — and Dolly — I am awfully glad to see you. Mother, this is my friend Mr. Carothers ; my sister, Mr. Carothers, and my father. (Geo., Mrs. S. and Dolly talk aside, L. Fred, r. c. ; Mr. S., c). When did you ar- rive ? Mr. S. About ten minutes ago. Last night I was unex- pectedly called to New York. Your mother and sister came with me to do some shopping, and we stopped off to see you. How are you ? Fred. Enjoying the best of health. Mr. S. That's good, that's good. But you look worried. Anything the matter? Fred {nervously). Oh, my, no ! I never was happier in ray life. Mr. S, That's good, too. Health and happiness; what 8 THE PRIVATE TUTOR more can a man ask for ? How are you progressing in your studies ? Fred. Very well. Mr. S. {looking at him sharply). No more scrapes, I hope. Fred. No indeed, dad. My past experience has taught me a valuable lesson. Experience is a great teacher. Mr. S. That's the way I like to hear you talk. I am glad you have settled down. Like your teachers ? Y^-^v> {fiervously). Oh, yes. How — how long are you going to stay, dad ? Mr. S. We leave on the next train, in about half an hour. Fred (aside). Thank heaven for that. Mr. S. So you like your teachers ? Fred. Yes, sir. This — this is fine — fine weather for a trip to New York, isn't it? Mr. S. Very pleasant. How do you think you are getting along in school ? Fred. Well, dad, I— I Mr. S. Because, my boy, I want you to get a good educa- tion. I never had no schooling myself. All the learning I ever got I picked up, sort of miscellaneous. I am what you might call a self-made man — and not all proud of the job, either. When I was your age I had to dig potatoes and plow corn when other fellows was goin' to school. And many's the time I said to myself, if ever I have a son he's going to have a good schoolin'. That forty barrel well in the ten acre lot enabled me to keep my promise to myself — and here you are. Now, make the best of it. {Crosses to i,. c.) So you are a classmate of Fred's, are you, Mr. Carothers? Fred [aside). Make the best of it. Oh, if Moriarty were to come in here now. (Mrs. S. and Dolly cross to c.) Mrs. S. Fred, who is your friend Mr. Carothers? Fred. He is a classmate, mother. Mrs. S. I know, but xvho is he? Is he a person who would make a desirable acquaintance at home? He seems to be a very gentlemanly young man. Dolly. I think he's perfectly splendid ! Fred. You're right, Dolly. He's a bully fellow, mother. He is from Boston. Mrs. S. Ah, from Boston ! Fred. Yes, he belongs to one of the oldest families there. Dolly. One of those families that is so old that it is THE PRIVATE TUTOR 9 covered with moss and even the furniture has rheumatism in its joints. Mrs. S. Dorothy! (7> Fred.) I am glad to see that you are choosing your acquaintances. Persons in our position in the social world cannot be too careful with whom they associate. Dolly. Since the forty barrel v/ell came in. Mrs. S. Dorothy, I wish you would be less flippant. Your attempts at jesting are very crude. Fred. Dorotiiy ! Why, mother, we've always called her Dolly. Mrs. S. I know, but she is older now, and for a young woman in her position, Dorothy is a more dignified name. Mr. S. Fred, where does Mr. — Mr. — the president of the college — what's his name ? Geo. Dr. Moriarty ? Mr. S. That's it. Where does he live ? Fred {aside). Great Scott ! {To his father.) Oh, it's a long walk from here. (Geo. and Dolly talk together l.) Mr. S. I'll take a car. Fred. We have no street cars {aside) fortunately. Mr. S. I. would like very much to see him and learn how he thinks you are getting along. Fred. But, dad, I don't think you will have time before your train goes. Mr. S. {easily). Well, we will take the next one. Fred {aside). Murder will out. It's all up with me. {To his father.) Well, dad, you see — you see the — the fact — the fact is {Quickly.) The fact is that I am not going to scliool. Mr. S. {in a voice of thunder). Not going to scliool ! Fred {rushing over to Geo.). For heaven's sake, let my sister alone and help me lie. {To his father.) Now, wait a uionent, dal, and let me explain. Mr. S. Explain ! Explain ! ! Explain ! ! ! What expla- nation can there be ? Here, I send you to school on probation, after j'ou have been expelled from tv.-o other schools, give you money, all the money you want. Dolly. Made by the forty barrel well. Mr. S. And this time, instead of trying to make amends for your past misdeeds, you have not even enrolled. Fred. Dad, you are mistaken. Allow me to speak. It is because I am endeavoring to make amends for my past mis- deeds that I am not attending school. lO THE PRIVATE TUTOR Mr. S. Yes, that's quite likely. I am through with you — done with you. You never would study, you never will study. Fred. But, dad, I am studying, day and night. Mr. S. You are what ? Fred. Studying. Studying — a — studying under a private tutor. When 1 came here to school I found that, owing to my previous misbehavior, I was so far behind that I must study up before I could matriculate. Mr. S. Matriculate. What's that? Fred. Enter school ; enroll as a student. Geo. {to Fred). Bully for you ! It's great ! Keep it up ! Fred {to Geo.). No thanks to you. (7> his father.^ George was in the same predicament (Geo, glares at Fred) so we engaged a private tutor to coach us until we caught up in our studies. Mrs. S. {aside). So Mr. Carothers is inclined to be 7i)ild. He must belong to the best circles. Mr. S. That's a good plan. How are you going? Geo. Very nicely, sir. The Thanksgiving vacation begins to-morrow and at its conclusion, in thirty days Fred. Yes, in thirty days Geo. We expect to enter school {aside) again. Mk. S. Capital, capital ! A good idea ! Fred, ray boy, you must pardon my temper of a moment ago, but I thought you were up to your old tricks again. Fred {waving him aside). Tut, tut, don't mention it, dad. Everybody makes mistakes. Mr. S. But you mustn't study too hard ; you look haggard now. What is your tutor's name? Fred. His name? {Short pause.) Oh, yes, his name. His name is — now isn't it singular ? I can't think of his name. {Aside to Geo.) For mercy's sake, name him ! Mrs. S. Perhaps Mr. Carothers can remember the name. Geo. The name is — is — his name is — it's a very odd and uncommon name — a name one hardly ever hears. His name Fred. Oh, I remember. His name is Smith. Mks. S. Do you know anything about him? Fred. Not yet — I mean very little. Mrs. S. Is he a nice person ? Co, \ {^^S^^^^^*')- 0^i> very nice. Mrs. S. Where did you learn of him ? - THE PRIVATE TUTOR II Fred (crossing to l. c. ; io Geo.). It's your turn ; I told the last one. Geo. (c). Right here in Clearfield. It was rather curious the way we engaged him. In fact, he seemed to force himself upon us. We had hardly thought of a private tutor when we found we had one. Mr. S. I would like very much to meet him. Geo. (crossing io l. c. ; to Fred). It's your turn, now. Produce him. Fred (c. ; clutching Gzo.'s coat). Don't leave me. Mrs. S. Does he live far from here ? Fred. No, just around the corner. George knows where it is. He has been there several times. George, go around the corner and tell Mr. — Mr. Smith to come over. {Mops his forehead.') Geo. With pleasure. \_Exit, d. l. Dolly. What a pleasant young man Mr. Carothers is. Mrs. S. (at window in flat). You have a very nice view from here, Fred. Fred (going to ivindow). Yes, the view — the view is very nice. That large building over to the right is the county jail, and the stone building to the left is the reform school. l"he grounds are well laid out. Wouldn't you like to walk about the grounds and get a little fresh air? It is very close in here. Mrs. S. (as they all exit d. f. ). I hadn't noticed it. Fred. Hadn't you? I am nearly smothered. Enter Geo., d. l., cautiously. After a moment Ykkq appears at D. F. He stumbles against a chair and Geo. rushes out D. L. In a moment he looks ifi cautiously, finds Fred, and enters. Geo. I thought you were your father, waiting for me to come back with the tutor. Fred. He is out on the lawn, admiring the reform school. We are safe for a few minutes. What shall we do? Geo. I leave it to you. You invented the tutor; now pro- duce him. Fred. It's pretty hard to reincarnate a man who never ex- isted, but that is just what we must do. Geo. I'm not a magician myself. 12 THE PRIVATE TUTOR Fred. No, that's a profession that requires brains. Oh, why did we ever go to that prize-fight? Geo. Couldn't we get one of the fellows to play the part until your people go ? Fked. I'm not acquainted with half a dozen of them, and I don't know any of them well enough to ask. Besides, they are all too young. (A noise is heard, and the boys rush together. Short pause. ) Geo. I thought that was your father. Fred. So did I. Geo. What will we do? If we don't produce a tutor in about five minutes the game's all up. {The little German band begins to play off stage.) Fred. There's that damn band again ! Geo. They have evidently spent your dollar. Fred. What have we done that we should be tortured by them in this Eureka ! 1 have an idea ! Geo. Hold on to it ; they're scarce around here. Fred, That band is our salvation. Geo. I fail to follow you. (Fred goes to windoiv flat and calls out.') Fred. Hey, there. {The band stops playing.) You with the trombone ; come up here. No, no, I don't want you to play. Come up — up. Up here. That's it. (Fred comes down stage.) Geo. Fred, are you losing your mind ? Fred. Not much ; I'm just finding it. It's an inspiration, Carothers; that's what it is, an inspiration. I don't know how I ever happened to think of it. Geo. Would you mind telling me what you are talking about ? Enter Hans Dinklederfer, d. f., trombone in hand. Hans. You van t to see me? Yes? Fred. How would you like to earn ten dollars to-day? THE PRIVATE TUTOR I3 Hans. Yah, I like ut. Fred. Well, I'll give you ten dollars if you will do some- thing for me. Hans. So? Dot's nice. Fred. You never were a tutor, I suppose? Hans. Yah. Fred. You were ! By Jove, Carothers, this is luck ! Where were you a tutor ? Hans. On der trombone. Geo. That's one on you, Spencer. ■ FuED. You misunderstand me. I mean, were you ever an instructor, a teacher ? Hans. I never struck no preacher. Fred. No, no. Teacher — teacher. Do you know what a teacher is ? Hans. Yah. He's der feller vot licks der kids in der school. Fred. That's the idea. How would you like to be a teacher for one day ? Hans. Und lick somepody ? Yes ? Fred. No. Listen and I will explain. I am supposed to be going to school here, but I am not. Hans. So? i^Risin^ inflection.') Fred. You see, I was going, but I was suspended. Hans. So. {^Falling inflection?) Fred. When I came here to school my father threatened to disinherit me if I got into any trouble — and he has come here to-day to visit me. Hans. Dot's nice. Fred. Not so very. Now, if you will pretend to be a teacher or private tutor to that man {indicating Geo.) and me until my father goes home, I'll give you ten dollars. Hans. How long ? Fred. Just one day. Hans. Shust von day ? Yes? Fred. Just to-day. Hans. Und I do noddings ? Fred. You do absolutely nothing, and the less you say, the better. Hans. Und lick nopody ? Fred. Nobody. Hans. Den tollars for von day — und I do noddings. Sure^ I'll do ut. {A noise is heard.) 14 THE PRIV^\TE TUTOR Geo. Here comes your father, Fred. Take him and put some respectable clothes on him. Fred {pushing Hans). Here, Germany, this way. Hurry up. \_Exeunt Fked and Hans, d. r. Enter Dollv, d. f. Dolly. Well, Mr. Carothers, did you succeed in finding Mr. Smith? Geo. No, he was not at home. Fred has gone to look for him. Dolly. How provoking. Geo. That Fred has gone ? Dolly. No, that Mr. Smith is not at home. Geo. I think Fred will be able to find him. He knows more about Mr. Smith's movements than I do. Dolly. Do you enjoy studying under a private tutor? Geo. Y-e-s. Though of course there is not much pleasure connected with it. We have to work so hard. Dolly. Does he make you work hard ? Geo. I should say so. He has caused me more hard work than I did in a whole year before we had him. Dolly. He doesn't get cross with you, does he? Geo. Oh, no, he doesn't get cross. {Aside.) I would like to see him try it. {To her.) Of course, he has his peculiari- ties and eccentricities. All scholars and deep students have, I think. You will be surprised when you see him. He doesn't look at all like a professor. Dolly. I should think his eccentricities would annoy you. "Queer" people always make me fidgety. Geo. He does annoy me very much. I will not be com- fortable until he is gone. Dolly. But, on the other hand, think how much you are learning from him. Geo. That's a fact. I have learned a great deal since he came. Enter Mr. and Mrs. S., d. f. Mr. S. Well, Fred, did your friend — ah, Mr. Carothers, did you find Mr. Smith? Geo. No, sir. Unfortunately he was not at home. How- ever Fred has gone in search of him, and I think they will both be here shortly. THE PRIVATE TUTOR 1 5 Mrs. S. It is too bad we put you to so much trouble. Geo. It was no trouble at all. I am only sorry that I did not find the professor. In fact, I was afraid at first that we wouldn't be able to find one — I mean him. Enter Fred and Hans, d. r. Hans is attired in a dress-suit several sizes too sfnall for him. Fred. Well, dad, here we are at last. I had a hard time getting Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith, this is my father, Hans. How do do? Fred. My mother, Mr. Smith. Hans. How do do? Fred. And my sister. Hans. How do do? {Aside.') U-m. Dot's nice. Mr. S. Mr. Smith, I would like to talk to you about my son's studies. Hans. All r-r-right. {They talk aside, L. Mrs. S. stands c, eyeing Hans.) Geo. (Fred r. ; Geo. r. c). You've put my dress-suit on him I Fred. I know it. Geo. Why did you do it? Fred. Well, I had to put something on him, and the only thing /have that would fit him is my night-shirt. Geo. I wonder wiiat in the world he's telling your father. Fred. The Lord only knows. I tried to stuff him as much as possible in the short time I had. Dolly {crossing to r. c). What a funny-looking man your tutor is, Fred. Does he always wear a dress-suit during the day? Geo. Didn't I tell you you would be surprised when you saw him ? Fred. Yes, he never wears anything else. He's very peculiar. Mrs. S. Fred, I think Mr. Smith is a very odd-looking person. Fred {crossing to r. of his mother). S-s-s-h, mother; don't let him hear you. He's very sensitive. Mrs. S. Who is he ? Fred. His name is — Smith. Mrs. S. But who is he ? Is he well connected ? l6 THE PRIVATE TUTOR Fred. Why? Does he rattle ? Mrs. S. {sternly). Now, Frederick, no jesting. You know what I mean. Did he come to you well recommended ? Fred. The best of recommendations, mother. The fact is that Smith is not his real name. He is a German count, ban- ished from his own country by political enemies. {Aside.) That wasn't such a bad one. Mrs. S. Are you sure of this ? Fred. Positive. (^Crosses to L. c.) Mrs. S. {rapfiirously). A real count ! Oh, if f could only arrange a match between him and Dorothy. A real count ! Mr. S. So you think the boys are getting along well, Mr. Smith? Hans. Yah. I nefer saw such nice poys. Mrs. S. What a distinguished appearance he has. Mr. S. Well, Maria Mrs. S. John ! Mr. S. I beg your pardon, mother. Marie. I meant to say Marie. Fred (crossing to r. c. ; tcy Dolly). So it's Marie now? Dolly. Since the forty- barrel well came in. Mr. S. It's getting on toward train time. Mr. Carothers, you had better come down and spend your Thanksgiving vaca- tion with Fred. Geo. Thank you, Mr. Spencer, I would be delighted, but I fear Dolly. Oh, can't you come? Geo. Do you want me to come ? (^She nods assent.) But I fear I will not be able to refuse your kind invitation. Mrs. S. The very thing. I'll venture it. {To Hans.) Mr. Smith, I am afraid it will be very dull here for you during the Thanksgiving vacation, and we would be very happy to have you spend the four weeks with us. Hans. Und I gedt den dollars a day ? Mrs. S. I don't understand. Fred. Mother, it will be out of the question for Mr. Smith to go. He means that his literary work will keep him very busy during vacation time; in fact, he will make ten dollars a day at it. Mrs. S. But my dear count, you don't know how glad we would be to have you come. Hans. Count ! Does dot old voman dink I vos a adding machine, yes? THE PRIVATE TUTOR 1 7 Fred. But mother, I am sure Mr. Smith can't go. You can't go, can you, Mr. Smith? (Shakes his head violently at Hans.) Hans. Den dollars a day — und I do nodding. Sure, I'll go- Mrs. S. Oh, thank you. We will be delighted. Mr. S. Well, Maria, I mean Marie, we must be going. Come, Dolly. Good-bye, boys; we will expect you in a day or two. S^Exeunt all, D. F., but Hans. Hans. I vonder vere iss id dose fellers put my trombone. \_Exit, D. R. Enter Fred a;/// Geo., d. f. Fred. Phew ! Thank goodness, that's over. Geo. Over I Over! It's only just beginning. Four weeks of it. Fred. True; I had forgotten. Twenty-eight days of it at ten dollars a day. {Drops into chair r.) Geo. And my dress-suit. (Drops into chair l.) Oh, why did we ever go to that prize-fight? CURTAIN ACT II SCENE. — The Spencer home. Doors down L. and down R. Stairway up L., running off to L. French window up R., opening on latvn. Cluster outside of window. Table do7vn K. with chair on each side. Pedestal with empty vase upon it up R. c. Extremely ornate furniture about room. Enter Geo., stairway L. Geo. [looking around). Humph! Nobody seems to be up yet. (^Looks at watch.) Nine o'clock ; I'm about ready for breakfast; I wish the family would come down. This is be- yond a doubt the most peculiar visit I ever made. We have been here one week to day, and every day, from early in the morning until late in the evening, Fred has had that Dutchman off horseback riding, leaving me at home. I never saw any- body so infatuated with equestrian exercise as those two seem to be. I wouldn't so much mind Fred's leaving me all alone if Dorothy were around to entertain me. By George, there's a girl worth while ! I wish I were through school and settled in liff. Heigh ho! But what's the use of idle dreams? Not much chance there. She is absolutely unapproachable; at least it would appear so. About the only opportunity I have to see her is at meal time. The rest of the day she seems to avoid me, or at least whenever we chance to .meet, she is always too busy to talk and hurries away on some pretext. It's strange, deucedly strange ; the girls usually are not so indiffer- ent to me, and I can't believe that I have done anything to incur her displeasure. {£?iter Richard, r. i e., with newspapers.) Good morning, Richard. Rich. Good-morning, sir. Geo. Is Fred down yet? Rich. I don't think so, sir; I haven't seen him. Geo. Has Miss Dorothy come down ? Rich. Miss Dorothy ? Oh, you mean Miss Dolly. Geo. Yes. Rich. No, sir. Nobody seems to be up but you, sir. Geo. Have you the morning papers there ? Rich. Yes, sir. 18 THE PRIVATE TUTOR I9 Geo. Give me one. Rich. What kind, sir ? Geo. What kind ? Rich. Yes, sir ; Democrat or Republican, sir ? Geo. Oh ! I don't care ; any but a prohibition paper, Rich. Here's the Morning Star, sir. (^Hands Geo. paper and exit stairway L.) Geo. {opening paper'). Nine o'clock ; the Morning Star \s late in rising this morning. I wonder if there is anything in the paper beside (Jocal). I have read nothing else for the last week. I will have this paper memorized by to-night, advertisements and all, if Fred goes out again with that Dutchman and leaves me alone. Enter Dolly French ivindow R., her anns full of chrysanthe- mums. Dolly. Good-morning, Mr. Carothers. Geo. Dorothy ! Good-morning, Miss Spencer. Dolly. What made you jump so ? Geo. You surprised me. Richard told me that you had not come down-stairs yet. Dolly. Not up at nine o'clock ! The idea ! Who could lie abed on such a beautiful morning as this is, with the sun shining so brightly and all nature calling to one to come out- of-doors. I have been in the garden for the last hour. Geo. Lucky garden. Dolly. See the chrysanthemums I have gathered. Aren't they beautiful? Geo. They never seemed half so beautiful before as they do at this moment. Dolly. I am afraid you are an arch flatterer, Mr. Carothers. Now, 1 must arrange them in this vase. (^Crosses to vase, R. c.) Geo. Can't I help you? Dolly. Perhaps. Geo. Thank you. ( Crosses to Dolly. During following dialogue she places the flowers in the vase one at a time and as she does he 20 THE PRIVATE TUTOR abstractedly takes them from the vase and lays them on the table.') Dolly. I hope you are enjoying your stay with us. Geo. Every minute of it. Dolly. It is a change from school, at any rate. Geo. I should say it is. Dolly. You must grow very tired of studying so hard all the time. Geo. I can't say that I enjoy it as much as I do arranging flowers in a vase. Dolly. And I suppose the work is especially hard when you are studying under a private tutor. Geo. I must admit, Miss Spencer, that our tutor has caused me more hard work than I ever knew before. Dolly. Still, it is an advantage. You will learn faster under him. Geo. Yes, and more. I have learned to do things since I knew him that I never dreamed of doing before. Dolly. How long have you been studying under him ? Geo. How long ? {Aside. ) I wonder if she's asked Fred that, and if so, what he told her. Dolly. How long, did you say ? Geo. About a month. Dolly. About a month ? Geo. Yes, about a month. {Aside, destroying flower as he speaks.) I wonder why she's asking these questions ; lam beginning to feel uncomfortable. Dolly. I am afraid Fred is not proving himself much of a host, to go off and leave you every day. Geo. Oh, I don't mind that ; in fact, I don't care for horseback riding. Dolly. Fred didn't use to like it, either, but now he seems to be wild about it. Geo. Perhaps Professor Smith likes to ride. Dolly. He does. Fred says the professor wants to ride all the time, that's why they are out so much. But I can't understand why Fred should give a paid instructor preference over an invited guest who is a personal friend. His obligation is to you, not to that old fossil. Geo. Perhaps Fred thinks his sister will entertain me while he is absent. Dolly. Now, that isn't fair. THE PRIVATE TUTOR 21 Geo. What isn't fair ? Dolly. I don't doubt that you think I am shghting you, but — but — it is not my fault. I would like to see you more, but — but Geo. But what ? Dolly. Please don't ask me. Geo. Why ? Dolly. Because I can't tell you. Geo, Will you let me ask you one question ? Dolly. What is it? Geo. Is your failure to see me more frequently because you are unwilling ? (Dolly shakes her head ne,^atively.) Are you busy all day long? (Dolly shakes her head again.) Then why can't I see more of you ? Dolly {confused'). Well, really, Mr. Carothers — you know — I am — very busy — and I have many tilings which require my attention — and — and — and I must go now and put these flowers on the breakfast table. You will excuse me, won't you? \_Exit, R. IE., hastily. Geo. By Jove, that's deuced queer. She seemed very much confused by my questions. There's something in the air beside the delectable odor of coffee, and I must find out what it is. In the meantime I shall go into the garden and look over the paper. \_Exit, French window R. Enter Mrs. S., stairivay l. Mrs. S. I thought I heard voices in here. I wonder if Dorothy was talking to Mr. Carothers again. Enter Dolly, r. i e. Dolly. Good-morning, mother. Mrs. S. Good-morning, Dorothy. I heard somebody talk- ing in here just now. Who was it ? Dolly {confused). N-nobody. Mrs. S. Nonsense ! It would be impossible for '< nobody " to talk. Who was it ? Dolly. It was — it was — just Mr. Carothers, mother. Mrs. S. Now, Dorothy, I have told you before tliat I don't want you to have any more to do with Mr. Carothers than is absolutely necessary. You must treat him politely, but no more. Dolly. But, mother, he is our guest. 22 THE PRIVATE TUTOR Mrs. S. Very true, but so is Professor Smith. Dolly. But Fred is entertaining Mr. Smith. Mrs. S. Entirely too much. 1 wish he would keep the count at home more. Dolly. But Fred says the professor likes to ride. Mrs. S. What of that? Fred doesn't need to take him out riding all day long, day in and day out. He ought to give us a chance. Dolly. A chance ? I don't understand. Mrs. S. Dorothy, I find that I am unable to impress upon you by hints and suggestions what I mean, and therefore I am obliged to speak plainly. 1 desire to arrange a match between you and Professor Smith. Dolly {(ii^has(). Professor Smith ! Oh, mother ! Mrs. S. Professor Smith is a most estimable gentleman. Dolly. But, mother, he is impossible. Mrs. S. He will be, if you don't pay more attention to him and less to Mr. Carothers. Dorothy, it is the chance of your life. Think of it ; a German count. Dolly. A title isn't everything. Mrs. S. Nor is his. 1 have been asking Fred about him, and he tells me that Professor Smith is immensely wealthy. Dolly. Then why does he dress so shabbily and act so boorishly ? Mrs. S. The eccentricity of genius. Dolly. I suppose Fred told you that also. Mrs. S. Yes. Consider, Dorothy — a title, the Countess Smith of Germany. Think where such a union would place us in society. Think of a palace on the Rhine. Dolly. Has he a palace on the Rhine? Mrs. S. So Fred says. And even if the count were pen- niless, we have enough to keep you both in affluence. (Dolly holds her nose. ) What is the matter ? Dolly. I smell oil. Mrs. S. Now, Dorothy, stop your jesting and think over what I have said. Mr. Carothers may be a perfect gentleman, but he has no title. I shall sound the count and find out how he feels. Dolly. But am I not to be considered ? Mrs. S. You are too young to know what is best for 3'ou. You will thank me for this some day. \_Exit, R. i E. Dolly. I shall never live to be that old. \^Exit stairway, L. THE PRIVATE TUTOR 23 Enter Geo., French window, r. Geo. The morning is perfect, the garden is beautiful, and the paper appears to be filled with interesting news, but I am too hungry to enjoy any of them until after breakfast. Enter Fred, stairway l., in riding outfit. Fred. Good-morning, George. Geo. Good-morning, Fred. Fred. Did you sleep well? Geo. Very well, thank you. And you? Fred. Do I look as though I had slept well? Geo. No, I can't say that you do. What was the matter? Fred. You have been in this house with me for the last week, and then have the nerve to ask "what is the matter?" Geo. Oh, I understand that you can't sleep for worrying about that Dutchman ; you haven't slept a night since we have been here. But I thouglit perhaps he had gotten you into some fresh trouble. Fred. No, nothing new. It is bad enough as it is. Geo. Where is he now ? Fred. He isn't up yet. 1 hope he will sleep all day, for I am growing mighty tired of these horseback rides. Geo. It is too bad the German is so fond of horseback riding that you have to go out every day with him. Fred. Fond of it ! Fond of it ! Why, man alive, that old Dutchman doesn't know a horse's head from its tail, and he is so stiff and sore from riding that he can hardly walk. I have to pay him an extra dollar a day to get him to go at all. Geo. But I don't see the necessity of laking him into the country every day. Fred. Perhaps not. And you aren't living in constant dread of being disowned by your paterfamilias, either. Geo. Well, what has that to do with th^' horseback riding? Fred. Simply this : My mother, for some reason that I can't begin to understanrl, has taken a very sudden fancy to this old music mummy, and when he is in the house she never lets him out of her sight. The result is that every moment they are together I am in holy terror for fear he will say some- thing that will let the cat out of the bag. Geo. So that is the reason you take him into the country every morning and keep him away all day ? Fred. Precisely. Oh^ it's a lovely vacation I'm having ! 24 THE PRIVATE TUTOR Off into the country every day, all day, with an old Dutchman whose knowledge of the English language is so linniled that about the only thing he can say so that you can understand it is, " I'll take the same." Geo. I must admit it isn't a very pleasant way of spending a vacation. Fred. No, you can bet it isn't. Say, Carothers, don'i }'0u think it is about time that you took him out for a day's airing? Geo. No. You know the roads around here better than I do. I'm afraid I might lose him if I took him out. Fred. I wish you would. Geo. By the way, Spencer, didn't you tell me that you had a nightshirt that would fit him ? Fred. When did I tell you that? Geo. Back at college, the day we engaged hinn. Fred. I believe I did. Geo. Then why, in pity's name, don't you give it to him ? Fred. What do you mean ? Geo. I mean that, from the condition of my dress suit, he is evidently sleeping in it. Fred. Oh, no; no, he isn't. He wears a nightshirt all right. At least I gave him one. The wrinkles in your suit are caused by riding horseback in it. Geo. Good Lord, man, do you mean to tell me that he is wearing my dress suit to ride horseback in ? Fred. Well, he has to wear somelhiiig, you know. Geo. That suit cost me seventy-five dollars, and I haven't worn it four times. Fred. Well, you've worn it the last time, all right. They wouldn't admit you to a dog fight with that suit on now. Geo. This is going to be a pretty expensive business. Fred. Going to be; just going to be! It has cost me seventy-seven dollars already. Dutchy is afraid I will cheat him, and every night I have to hand over my little eleven dollars. Seven days so far, at eleven dollars a day, is seventy- seven dollars — and there are twenty-three more days of it. You ought to be ashamed to kick about a paltry little thing like a dress suit. Geo. Oh, I don't know. It's none of ray doing. I didn't bring him here. Fred. I'm sure I'm not responsible for his presence. Geo. I would like to know who is, if you aren't. Fred. My mother; she invited him. THE PRIVATE TUTOR 2$ Geo. Fred, what do you suppose has caused your mother to take such an interest in this Dutchman? Fred. You can search me. Mother is subject to fads, and he seems to be one of them. Sis is rather strong on him, too; at least she is with him a good deal. Geo. By the way, Fred, speaking of your sister, do you know if I have done anything to offend her? Fred. Offend her ! What do you mean ? Geo. I mean that about the only opportunity I have of speaking to her in the whole day is to say good- morning at the breakfast table. The rest of the day she seems to most dili- gently avoid me. In the evening, if 1 chance to get near her, your mother immediately corrals her and trots her off to Germany. Fred. Trots her off to Germany ; that's a long trot. But you mustn't mind mother. I suppose she considers Germany her guest, having invited him here, and that it is Dolly's duty to help entertain him. Geo. But what about my entertainment ? Am I not a guest also ? Fred. Certainly. But I suppose she thinks that is up to me. Geo. But why should she avoid me in the day time, when the Dutchman is away ? Fred. Now look here, Carothers, if you are trying to un- derstand the workings of a woman's mind, you are endeavoring to solve the one problem in this world that never has been solved. A woman's mind is like a conundrum ; you guess the answer and — you're wrong. I don't know why she should avoid you any more than you do. Maybe you look like some- body she loved once, or something like that. Geo. {anxiously'). H-h-has she — has she ever loved? Fred. Great Scott, I don't know ! Suppose we go and get some breakfast. Perhaps we will feel better. \_Exeunt both, R. i e. Enter Hans, stairway L. Hans {walking slowly and with great difficulty, stopping suddenly and clutching his leg). Ach himmel ! Dose horse- back ridings vill of me an invalid yet make, yes. If dot feller makes for anodder ride go, by golly I'll kill somepody ! I vonder don't nopody vas up yet. I vas so hungry I a pain haf got. ( Walks a few steps and then stops again.^ Donner und 26 THE PRIVATE TUTOR Blitzen ! Dose ridings, dose ridings; dey vill kill me yet. Maybe on der outdside iss somepody, yes? (^Exit French window R. Just as he leaves Mr. S. enters stairway L.) Mr. S. Good-morning, count. Humph ! Didn't hear me. {Looks at his watch.') Half-past nine and nobody seems to be up yet. I declare this family of mine is growing lazier every day. I wonder where the count was going. 1 don't altogether like the looks of that fellow. He may be all right, but — I haven't any too much confidence in Fred, either. That private tutor story of his sounded pretty good the day he told it to me, but the more I see of that Dutchman and the more I hear him talk, the more I am inclined to be a little bit suspicious of that story. The fellow talks and acts more like a butcher than the count Fred claims him to be. I think I will do a lit- tle quiet investigating. (^Enter Rich., stairway L.) Good- morning, Richard. Rich. Good-morning, sir. Mr. S. What have you there ? Rich. The morning papers, sir. Mr. S. Give me one. Rich. Yes, sir. (Hands Mr. S. paper. False start to R.) Mr. S. Richard ! Rich, (stopping and turning). Yes, sir. Mr. S. Have you seen anything of Fred this morning? Is he up yet ? Rich. Yes, sir. Mr. S. Good ! Tell him I want to see him. Rich. Yes, sir. [Exit, R. i E. Mr. S. (unfolding his paper and watching'^iQM-. exit). By Jove, it's worth while owning an oil well when it enables a man to have an ornament like that in the house. That fellow has more style about him in a minute than Maria can put on in a month. Oh, Lord, I said it again ! I never will get used to Marie. It's a good thing she didn't hear me. Enter Fred, r. i e. Fred. Good-morning, dad. Mr. S. Good-morning, Fred. Fred. Richard said you wished to see me. THE PRIVATE TUTOR I"] Mr. S. Yes, but I hardly expected to. You are late getting started this morning. Fred. Getting started ? I don't Mr. S. On your horseback ride. You are usually gone when I get up. Fred. Yes, sir. (^Aside.') Now what the deuce is he driving at ? Mr. S. Perhaps you are not going to-day, Fred. Oh, yes, yes. We — we go every day. Mr. S. So I've observed. Fred (aside). I don't think I am going to enjoy this con- versation at all. Mr. S. You must have cultivated quite a taste for riding while you were away at school. You didn't use to like to ride. Fred. I don't yet ; that is, not particularly. You see, dad, the fact is Mr. S. That's what I'm after; facts. Fred (aside). I knew I wasn't going to enjoy this conver- sation. Mr. S. Perhaps Professor Smith is fond of riding. Fred (tvith emphasis). I should say not. Mr. S. You both seem to spend a good deal of time at it. Fred. Well, you see, dad, I don't mean that he dislikes to ride exactly, but he isn't what you would call infatuated with it. Mr. S. Well, if he isn't fond of riding and you don't like it, why the devil do you do it ? It's a great way to spend a vacation after you have been away from the family for eight months. Fred. Well, you see, dad, I've been studying hard lately and riding is very good exercise. Then, there's another reason. Mr. S. And what is that ? Fred. As I told you, I am behind in my studies and have a lot to catch up before I go back to school. So every day I take my books with me and when we get out into the country I work hard all day. (Aside.) That ought to melt his heart. Mr. S. Why don't you study at home? You don't have to leave the house to do that. Fred. Yes I do. You see, mother has taken a great fancy to the count; I don't know why, but she has. And the min- ute she discovers he is in the house she takes him out driving 28 Tin-; PRIVATE TUTOR with Dolly, or off to the matinee with Dolly, or to somebody's pink tea with Dolly, and leaves me without my tutor. Not having my tutor, naturally I can't toot (Mr. S. starts.') I mean work. Mr. S. I think I understand your mother's attitude. Didn't you say your tutor was a German count? Fred. Yes, sir. Mr. S. Well, you know how anxious your mother is to break into society. I suppose she thinks it will make quite an impression to be seen leading a member of the German nobility around at all the social functions you just mentioned. Fred. By Jove, dad, you're right ! {Laughs.) And I've been telling her all about his castle on the Rhine and his im- mense fortune and all that. {Laughs.) That's the best joke on mother. {Laughs heartily.) Mr. S. a joke on your mother ! What do you mean, sir ? Fred {aside). Oh, good, kind lightning, strike me. Mr. S. Kindly explain, sir. Fred. Why, you see, dad — don't you see the joke — why anybody can see what a joke it is. {Aside.) I wish I could. Mr. S. I fail to see any joke at all, sir, and 1 demand an explanation of your hilarity. Fred. Why, you see, mother, she, that is, mother you know, she wants to show him off, and all unconscious of it, I've been keeping him hidden in the woods. Good joke, isn't it? {Laughs weakly ; aside.) That was a close call. Mr. S. Oh, I see what you mean. It is a good joke. But to get back to the subject : how are you getting along with your studies? Fred. Very well. {Quickly.) Father, have you had your breakfast ? Mr. S. No, but I must; it is growing late. I should have been at the office two hours ago. {Starts out R.) Tell Pro- fessor Smith I want to see him before you leave this morning. Fred. Y-y-yes, sir. Mr. S. I want to see how he thinks you are getting along. Is your friend Carothers studying now, also? Fred. Oh, yes. He — he slays at home when I go out. We — we keep a|)art, because we are not so likely to interrupt our studies by talking. Mr. S. I see. It's a good idea and I am glad you are working so hard. Don't forget to send Professor Smith in. [Exit, R. I E, THE PRIVATE TUTOR 29 Fred. It's no use. I've lied until I can no longer tell the truth, and so far I have succeeded in keeping them apart, but the moment dad gets hold of Germany the game is up. That Dutchman thinks psychoh^gy is a new drink and political economy the name of a race horse. Perhaps George can help me out. Enter Hans, French window, r. Hans. On der oudtside iss nopody ; on der inside iss no- pody. I vonder vere iss everypody ? Fred. Ah, there you are, Germany ! So you are up at last, are you ? I thought you were going to sleep all day. Hans. Schleep ! How can a man schleep yet, ven he so sore iss dot he can nodt turn ofer ? Frkd. So you're feeling a little stiff, eh? Another ride or two will limber you up. Hans. Anodder ridings vill kill me. Fred. Now, Germany, it is most ungrateful of you to talk that way after all the pains I've taken to entertain you. Hans. Pains ? Fred. Yes. Hans. You took pains ? Fred. That's what I said. Hans. You didn't took many ; I godt der most of dem. Fred. Well, Germany, if you are ready, the governor wants to see you for a minute and then we'll start, Hans. Start ? Vere ? Fred. Out to the country. Hans. Mitoudt breakfast ? Fred. Haven't you had your breakfast? Well, you can get that along the road somewhere. A little ride before break- fast will give you an appetite. Come along. (Seizes Hans' arm; Hans draws back.) Hans. Ride, did you say? Fred. Sure. R-i-d-e, ride. We are late now ; hurry up. Hans. Riding on horses? Fred. Of course; the same as we do every day. Hans. On horseback ridings I vill go again nodt. Fred. What's that? Hans. I vill nodt do ut. Dose ridings vill kill me. 30 THE PRIVATE TUTOR Fred. Oh, come now, Germany, don't be foolish; it won't hurt you ; we simply must go. Hans. I vill nodt do ut. Fked {aside). Oh, here's a lovely mess ! I guess dad won't have any difficulty getting an interview before we leave this morning. {To Hans, taking his arm again.) Come on, Germany, don't be mean ; that's a good fellow. Hans. I vill nodt ! Fred. I'll give you another dollar a day, think of that; twelve dollars a day. Hans. For a dhousand dollars a day I vill ride again nodt. Fred {growing angry). Now see here, Germany, you've got to go ! Hans {also angry). Den I vill go und I vill stay also. Vere iss my trombone und my clothes ? Fred {soothingly). There, there, old man, don't get excited. Hans. Vere iss my clothes ? Gife me my clothes ! I vant my clothes ! {Starts to take off his coat.) Fred {aside). Talk about getting an education under diffi- culties ! {To Hans.) Come now, Germany, I was only joking. {Helps him put his coat on.) Hans. I vant my clothes und I vant my trombone. In dhis house for anodder minute vill I stay nodt. Id iss nod- ding but ridings, ridings, ridings, all der time. I vill nodt do ut ! Fred {pleadingly). Now, Germany, if you'll only Hans. Vere iss my trombone ? Fred {on his knees). Germany, please Hans. Vere — iss — my — trombone? {Fred slowly rises to his fiet.) I vill ride nodt, und I vill stay nodt, und I vill haf my clothes. \_Exit French zvindow R. Fred drops into chair L. c. Enter Geo., r. i e. Geo. Fred, old man, what is the matter? Are you sick? Fred {rising quickly). Sick ! Sick ! I wish to heaven I were dead ! Geo. Why, what in the world is the matter? Fred. Oh, nothing; nothing at all. I always behave this way after breakfast. Geo. Something must have happened. What was it? Fred. I wonder how you found it out. THH PRIV^'\TE TUTOR 31 I don't like the look in your eyes ; tell me what's our German friend is gone. Simply this Gone ! Precisely. But wasn't he here last night ? Did you look in his Geo. wrong. Fred. Geo. Fred. Geo. room ? Fred. Oh, he hasn't disappeared ; it isn't that bad — though I don't see how it could be much worse. He has simply grown tired of his job and quit. Geo. Quit! What for? Fred. He refused to go horseback riding any more and when I pressed him a little strongly he exploded. Now, how am I going to explain his absence to the governor? I think he is just a little bit suspicious as it is. Geo. Can't you tell your father that the Dutchman was un- expectedly called away ? Fred. Oh, yes, I could tell him; but I don't think I could convince him. Geo. I don't see why not. It is a very common occur- rence for a man to be suddenly called away by a telegram. Fred. That's no doubt true, but you don't understand. You see, just about fifteen minutes ago dad told me he wanted an interview with Germany before we went out this morning. Now, if I should tell him that Germany has been unexpectedly called away he would be suspicious. And beside, there isn't a train out of town until four o'clock this afternoon. Mr. S. (off stage ; calling). Fred! Fred. Oh, Lord, there's dad ! He'll be in here in a min- ute and want to see Germany. Carothers, you've got to help me. Geo. What do you want me to do ? Fred. I don't know. What do you want to do ? Geo. I want to go home. Fred. Oh, talk sense. Geo. I'm only emulating you. Fred. I must get that fellow back. Geo. Where did he go? Fred. I don't know. I suppose he went to the station ; he has enough of my money to charter a special train. Geo. Can't you go after him? Fred. I might not find him for a week, and dad will be here waiting to interview him. (Suddenly.) I have an idea ! 32 THE PRIVATE TUTOR Geo. What is it? Fked. There are some wigs and make-up material in my room that I used last year in some amateur theatricals. You dress up like Germany, give dad the interview he wants, and I'll go in search of the real article. Geo. Oh, no, you don't ! Fred. It is the only thing to do. Geo. Why doiVt you dress up ? Fred. Wouldn't you rather dress up than chase all over the country, trying to persuade Germany to come back? For my sake, George. It will be only for a little while; just until I can find Germany. Geo. Fred, I would do a whole lot for you, but this is car- rying matters too far. You can stretch friendship a long way, but it will finally break. Vou got me into this scrape, and I've done all i could to help you out, but this is too much, I re- fuse to be a Dutchman for any man ! ^Exif, D. L. Fked. Now what am I to do? I don't blame George; I wouldn't have done it for him. But I must have some sort of a Dutchman for dad to interview. This affair is growing serious, and if dad ever discovers the deception the game's up. Now that George has deserted me I don't know what to do. I ought to be out trying to locate Germany and persuade him to come back, but instead of that I must stay here and face the music. (Enfer Dolly, stairway l., sobbing, her face in her hands. Fred turns.) Why, what is the matter, sis? Dolly. N-n-nothing. Fred. Oh, come now, you wouldn't cry about nothing; I know you better than that. Are you in trouble? Dolly. Uh huh. Fred. Shake ! Dolly. A-a-re y-you? Fred. Not yet, but I expect to be. Dolly. W-w-what d-does she w-want_y<7« to do? Fred. Who ? Dolly. M- mother. Fred. I don't know. You see, I haven't seen her yet this morning; I have been so busy with dad. Dolly. I expect she w-will want you to m- marry the c-cook. Fred. Marry the ! {One step back.) Say, Dolly, what's the matter with you ? Dolly. N-nothing. THE PRIVATE TUTOR 33 Fred. It seems to lue you can raise an awful disturbance about nothing. You are just like dad, that way. (Dolly sobs anew.) There, tliere, sis, i didn't mean that. {^Puts his arm about her shoulder.') Tell me, what is the trouble? Dolly. VVIiy, mother — she — mother — mother Fred. Yes, mother ? Dolly. She — she wants — she — she wants me Fred. Just like dad ; always wanting something. Dolly. Oh, I can't do it. Fred. Well, then, I wouldn't. Dolly {looking up). Wouldn't you? Fred. Certainly not — whatever it is. Dolly. But — but — she says it is best for me. Fred. What does she want you to do — get vaccinated? Dolly, If she compels me to do it I will commit suicide. \_Exit, K. I E. Fred. Girls are the limit. She says she won't do it, but I'll be hanged if I can find out what she is talking about. (^Faces L.) Enter Rich., r. i e. Rich. Mr. Fred. Fred (turning). Here's more trouble coming, I'll bet. What is it, Richard ? Rich. Your father told me to tell you, sir, that he would like to see Professor Smith in the breakfast room, sir. Fred, He v.'ould ? Rich. Yes, sir. Fred. So would I — or in any other room. [To Rich.) You may say to father that Professor Smith is dressing at this moment, but that he will see father in the breakfast room in a very {t\v minutes. Rich. Yes, sir. \_Exit, r. i e. Fred. It is up to me. I'll have to impersonate the Dutch- man myself until dad gets that interview he seems so anxious for ; there's no other way. [^Exit stairway, L. Enter Geo., d. l. Geo. (is made up to represent Hans as nearly as possible). I don't know whether I look more like a German or an im- pressionah'stic painting. My knowledge of the art of make-up is somewhat limited. Poor Fred, he looked so wobegone when 34 THE PRIVATE TUTOR I refused to help him out that after thinking it over 1 have de- cided to make a stagger at it. There is no telling what may happen, but I feel that 1 ouglit to try to help him. One thing is certain ; if I get out of this scrape alive I will never tell another lie as long as I live. {Sound of footsteps. ~) Here comes Mr. Spencer for his interview. {Stands down L., with his back to R.) Enter Mrs. S., r. i e. Mrs. S. Good-morning, count. Geo. {turning). Great Scott, it's Mrs. Spencer ! Mrs. S. I have been looking for you. Geo. Iss dot so? Mrs. S. Yes. I want to have a little talk with you. Won't you sit down? Geo. {aside). There's no escape. {To her.) Dank you. Mrs. S. {sitting r, of table v.., and Geo. l. of table). I trust you are having a pleasant visit, count? Geo. {aside). What shall I do ? I can't talk like that Dutchman. Mrs. S. I beg your pardon ? Geo. I said, yes, dank you, I vos hafing a fine dime. Mrs. S. I am so glad to hear it. I was afraid that in com- parison with the social life in Europe you would find this neighborhood very quiet, Geo. {aside). Quiet ! {To her.) Dis blace — und — dis blace is von lofely blace. 1 haf had von lofely dime r-ridiug around der beautiful country. Mrs. S. Are you fond of riding, count ? Geo. {forgetting). No. Mrs. S. Then why does Fred take you out so much? Geo. {aside). Oh, Lord, I forgot! {To her.) Oxcoose, blease. Your language makes for me von confusion mixup, von — vot you call id — von scrambled eggs. Ven I say no, den iss id I mean yes, aind id ? Mrs. S. {aside). What a drol] man the count is. {To him.) My dear count, I understand you perfectly. But I regret that you find so litUe attraction here at home. Dorothy and I would be delighted to see more of you. Geo. Iss dot so ? Mrs. S. Yes. Dorothy has often expressed her regret at not being able to see you oftener. THE PRIVATE TUTOR 35 Geo. Den vill I nefermore go riding again yedt. Mrs. S. It is very kind of you to say that, count, but I wouldn't for the world deprive you of your riding when you enjoy it so much. Geo. I vould radder see Miss Dorothy dan ride any day. Mrs. S. Pardon my question, count, but — I believe you are a single man ? Geo. Yah. Mrs. S. Have you ever thought of marrying ? Geo. Yah. My fadder vos a married man, und my grand- fadder also. Id runs in der family. Mrs. S. I wonder that you have remained single so long. Geo. Veil, you see, I vos nefer in lofe but vonce, und den anodder man cut me oudt. Mrs. S. Was he an American ? Geo. No, a German. Dot vos before der day of American monopoly. Mrs. S. It seems incredible to me that any girl would re- fuse you. I know of one who would be only too glad to accept you. Geo. Iss dot so ? Who vos dot ? Mrs. S. My daughter, Dorothy. Geo. (^forgetting himself and jumping up). The deuce ! (^Suddenly remembers.) Oxcoose, blease. You haf give me such a joyfulness in my heart in, 1 get a excitement. Mrs. S. You astound me, count. I did not think you had even deigned to notice her. Geo. Ach, yah. I haf notice her ; I haf dink of nopody else ; I haf dream aboudt her. Mrs. S. But you have paid her no attention whatever. Geo. Because I haf nodt consider-r myself — vot iss id ? — vorthless of her. She iss von distant star, beautiful, but im- possible. Mrs. S. My dear count, you are mistaken. Dorothy is not impossible for you at all, and I believe you to be perfectly worthy of her. Do you love her ? Geo. Lofe her 1 Ach Himmel, I crystallize her. (Aside.) That's the first time I've told the truth for a week. Mrs. S. My dear count, I am overjoyed. Nothing would make me happier than to see you two united. You have my full consent and my blessing. Geo. Dank you. Mrs. S. Dorothy will be delighted when I tell her wliat 36 THE PRIVATE TUTOR you have said. I will send her to you. Do not be afraid to speak ; I will see that no one interrupts. [^Exi^, R. i E. Geo. Well ! That explains why Dolly had no time to entertain me ; she is stuck on that Dutchman. I wouldn't have believed it possible, but there is no accounting for a woman's taste. {^Efiter Dolly, r. i e., with an air of deep dejection. Geo. starts toward her.') My darling ! Dolly. Stop ! Please remember, Mr. Smith, that no sentimental consideration whatever enters into this contract. Geo. Don't you lofe me? Dolly. Love you ! {Laughs.') Geo. Vy, your mudder said Dolly. Mr. Smith, you may have misunderstood my mother, or my mother may have misunderstood me, but I tell you plainly that I do not love you. Geo. Den vy vill you marry him — I mean me ? Dolly. Because my mother thinks it is best. I feel that I could never be happy with you, but she says I am too young to know my own mind. Geo. Den you don't lofe me? Dolly. The idea is absurd. Geo. (suddenly). Do you lofe anodder ? Dolly. I feel that since I can be nothing else, I must at least be honest with you. 1 do. Geo. You lofe anodder ! Ach Himmel ! (Suddenly.) I vill kill dot man ! Dolly. Mr. Smith, pray calm yourself. To kill him would do you no good. I have consented to marry you (breaking into tears), and I will never see him again. Geo. Who iss dot man ? I haf a r-right to know. Dolly. Mr. Carothers. Geo. (exhibiting signs of extreme pleasure). Mr. Crud- ders ! Oh, Mr. Crudders ! Dorothy ! Dolly. Well ? Geo. You have been very brave und very noble to tell me der truth. Now I vill make for you a bromise. If you vill marry tne I don't care how much you lofe Mr. Crudders. Dolly. Why, Mr. Smith ! (Astounded.) Geo. Oh, I am a very gener-r-rous man. Dolly. Mr. Smith, you have been very kind and while I do not and never can love you, I shall always respect you. AVill you excuse me? [^Exit, v.. 1 e. Geo. Hang that old cat ! Oh ! To think that she would THE PRIVATE TUTOR 37 force Dorothy against her will into a union with a man like that Dutchman ! I will put an end to that funny business mighty quick. It was a lucky thing for Dorothy and me that the interview was held with me instead of with the real Ger- man. And to think that she loves me ! I never dreamed it possible. Mr. S, {offstage; calling). Fred! Geo. There's Mr. Spencer calling. He hasn't had his interview yet. I think 1 will let somebody else give it to him. Two interviews to-day are all I want; I don't think I could stand any more revelations. \_Exit, D. l. Enter Fred, stairway L., made up to represent Hans as tiearly as possible. Fred. This impersonating somebody else is not all it is cracked up to be. 1 have spent the last half hour fixing myself up and I resemble my esteemed tutor about as much as he re- sembles Adonis. It was a mean trick of George to refuse to do this for me. I might have had Germany back by this time, but he has secured such a start now that I don't suppose I will ever see him again. Mr. S. {off stage ; calling). Fred! Fred. Oh, there's dad; I would know his voice anyplace. (Starts toward K. i e., hesitates and then stops.) I think I will wait until he sends for me again. \_Exit, stairway L. Enter Mr. S., r. i e., followed by Rich, Mr. S. Richard, tell Fred that I want to see Professor Smith at once. Fred told me half an hour ago that the pro- fei;sor was dressing. Tell Fred I want to see Professor Smith now — do you hear — now ! I don't care whether lie is dressed or not. Rich. Yes, sir. [^Exit, stairtvay i,. Mr. S. {^pacing about). It is a strange thing if a man can't be master in his own house. I have been trying to get an in- terview with that tutor of Fred's ever since I got up this morn- ing, and all I have succeeded in securing so far is promises. I have made up my mind that this fooling must stop. I will see that man or know the reason why. He may be dressing, but I doubt it. He may be Fred's tutor, but I am a little inclined to doubt that also. {Stands up stage l. c.) 38 THE PRIVATE TUTOR E7iier Rich., stairway l. Rich. I couldn't find Mr. Fred, sir, but here is Professor Smith. {Siands next to Mr. S., ofi r.) Enter Fred, stairway l. He stands R. 0/ Rich. Fred. You vant to see me ? Yes ? Mr. S. I certainly do, sir; I have wanted to see you for some time. There are several questions I want to ask you. Enter Geo., d. l., ««// Mrs. S., (zW Dolly, r. i e. Geo. You vant to see me ? Yes ? Mr. S. What ! Another ! Enter Hans, French window R. Hans. I vant my trombone und I vant my clothes ! Mr. S. Three of them ! {Falls into RiCH.'s arms.) Dolly. Mother, must I marry all of these? (Falls into her mother's arms.) CURTAIN ACT III SCENE.— 77/