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 COURT TO COURT 
 
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 Book. 
 
l+^ATue^ , GA^udju^ xJ^mA^^ 
 
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 From 
 
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 A COLLECTION OF VERSES 
 TOUCHING UPON THE 
 ANCIENT, POPULAR AND 
 SACRED RITE OF DIVORCE 
 
 SIOUX FALLS, S. D. 
 4TH OF JULY, 1905 
 
 1 » 
 
 J J a 
 

 Ft 
 
 1905 
 
 Press of Will A. Beach 
 
 Sioux Falls 
 

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 =t^''^' Tk 
 
 ^^m 
 
 
 It 
 
 f^^JjM 
 
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 HIS book is dedicated 
 to everyone except 
 Pharisees, Gossips, 
 Self- constituted Judges of others 
 and those -who have never loved, 
 have never been loved, and 
 never will be loved 
 
V 
 
Stunts 
 
 Listen to My Tai.e of Woe ^4 
 
 ^ , i6 
 
 Boo! 
 
 The Song of My Native State i7 
 
 What Coui<d the Poor Giri< Do? .... i9 
 The Cataract ^^ 
 
 . . . 22 
 
 Pilgrims . . . • 
 
 Incompatibility ^^ 
 
 Home, Sweet Home ^^ 
 
 Try, Try Again -^^ 
 
 .... 28 
 A Soliloquy 
 
 An Open Secret • ^9 
 
 Chirp a Little ^° 
 
 Fighting for Freedom 3^ 
 
 The new York Journal Man 33 
 
 Flirting with Fate ^^ 
 
 To Epicures ^' 
 
 ATTRACTIONS ^^ 
 
 . . . 41 
 
 Doves 
 
 Horace and Lydia 45 
 
 Confessions of a Dollar 47 
 
 Little Red Baby 5° 
 
 Radium 
 
 The Rubaiyat of Rosey de Vorcey ... 55 
 
 . . . 61 
 Limericks 
 
,«!:# 
 
We never know 
 
 Why Jayie did so. 
 
 Until we' re put in Je7inie' s place; 
 
 And since we re ne' er in Jennie* s place. 
 
 We never know 
 
 Why Jane did so. 
 
Stunts 
 
 If a theme deserves a lyric 
 
 That is humorous and satiric 
 And demands the phosphorescence of the literary 
 dunce, 
 
 'Tis the habit now so prevalent 
 
 Devised by the benevolent 
 Of paying little prizes just for doing little stunts. 
 
 II 
 
If you struggle through the vapor 
 Of the modern morning paper, 
 Your wary eye will gravitate to "Count the dots" at 
 once: 
 Or "Get your guesses ready 
 On the latest stunt of Teddy", 
 Or some other rather commonplace subscription-swell- 
 ing stunts. 
 
 There are stunts for the ascetic. 
 For the strenuous and athletic: 
 There are stunts in foot and base-ball in the form of 
 punts and bunts: 
 On the platform, in the pulpit, 
 In the prize-ring and the bull-pit 
 Saint and sinner pose before the crowd and do their 
 little stunts. 
 
 Our very smart society 
 
 Has sacrificed propriety, 
 A thing their modest grandmamas considered sacred 
 once: 
 
 And they very often dally 
 
 With a puppy show or ballet 
 Or a party for a monkey or some other social stunts. 
 
 12 
 
And in a fervid passion 
 For the latest fads of fashion, 
 They pad their hips like Indians or straighten out 
 their fronts, 
 And with fancy gait and gaiter 
 Ivike a spavined selling-plater, 
 They meander as a marvel of Madame de Modistes 
 stunts. 
 
 There are Yankee stimts for guessers, 
 
 Stunts for goggle-eyed professors, 
 And some for daffy devotees of cryptographic hunts : 
 
 But the swellest of the stunts 
 
 Is Dakota for six months, 
 It's the brand that's marked "Eureka" of the residen- 
 tial stunts. 
 
 13 
 
Johnny Jones and His 
 "Sister" Sue 
 
 A little State in the Union grew: 
 
 Listen to my tale of woe! 
 One day this State dawned on the view 
 Of Johnny Jones and his " Sister " Sue! 
 Them two ! ! Them two ! ! 
 
 Listen to my tale of woe!!! 
 
 Now six months' time they had to do: 
 
 Listen to my tale of woe! 
 When out of the courts decrees they drew 
 That dissolved their matrimonial glue: 
 Too true!!! Too true!!! 
 
 Listen to my tale of woe!!!! 
 
 Then John took a bite and Sue took a chew: 
 
 Listen to my tale of woe!! 
 Of the matrimonial peach anew!! 
 They married as "brothers and sisters" do!!! 
 Too true!!! Too true!!! 
 
 Listen to my tale of woe!!!! 
 
 14 
 
The preacher came and away they blew: 
 Listen to my tale of woe!!! 
 
 Johnny and "Sister" Sue, Adieu!!! 
 
 For their little souls to Brooklyn flew!!! 
 
 Boo-hoo!!!! Boo-hoo!!!! 
 
 Listen to my tale of woe!!!!! 
 
 Hard trials for them two!! 
 Johnny Jones and his "Sister" Sue!!! 
 And the courts they blew into!!!! 
 And the glue! ! ! ! ! The glue! ! ! ! ! 
 Listen to my tale of woe!!!!!! 
 
 ^ 
 
 15 
 
Boo! 
 
 When the busy courts are working overtime, 
 On the final scene of Cupid's pantomime; 
 
 When you think that you are through, 
 And have married No. 2, 
 
 Then the Federal Court says, "Boo! 
 
 It's a crime!" 
 
 Then your lawyer hunts the federal decree. 
 And examines it minutely (for a fee) 
 
 — As all good lawyers do — 
 
 And declares it's not for you, 
 
 That the Federal Court said "Boo!" 
 
 Don't you see? 
 
 Then the busy courts keep working overtime, 
 And the officers keep drawing their ^(?r diem. 
 
 And they smile — indeed they do — 
 In the city on the Sioux, 
 
 When the Federal Court says "Boo! 
 
 It's a crime!" 
 
 16 
 
Among the other sins of omission to be charged 
 against the members of the 7'ecent legislature is their 
 failure to adopt the following as a 
 
 State Song 
 
 Tune— "Rally 'round the flag, boys" 
 TraBslent citizens please commit. 
 
 Where the skies in beauty sleep, 
 
 And the Coyotes chase the sheep, 
 I've taken my home in South Dakota: 
 
 Where the prairie-doggies wave 
 
 All the little tails they have, 
 Whenever they cheer for South Dakota. 
 
 Chorus: Whoop 'er up for South Dakota! 
 
 Get out the big bass-drum ! 
 
 And show the other states that they are strictly 
 on the bum ! 
 
 How it makes each patriot quiver 
 
 From his wnndpipe to his liver, 
 
 Whenever he cheers for South Dakota! 
 
 While the Western breezes blow 
 Storms of sand and sheets of snow, 
 
 Everything is calm in South Dakota: 
 The sunshine never ends. 
 And sweet Heaven never sends 
 
 Hail to the State of South Dakota! 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 17 
 
While the corn-stalks' ears arise 
 And potatoes \nnk their eyes 
 
 And proceed to do some rooting for Dakota, 
 While our gardens by the score 
 Raise their peas and beans galore 
 
 To whoop 'er up again for South Dakota. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 HoM'^ the mercury will climb 
 In the good old summer-time, 
 
 Out on the plains of South Dakota! 
 How the farmer '11 stop his plow, 
 And mop up his sweaty brow, 
 
 And let out a whoop for South Dakota. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 If you have no flag to float. 
 
 Take the tail end of your coat. 
 And wave it a while for South Dakota, 
 
 And no matter where you be, 
 
 Give a whoop for liberty, 
 And then whoop 'er up for South Dakota. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 i8 
 
What Could The Poor Girl Do? 
 
 HBY married as so many do, 
 Before they were acquainted, 
 When Bill discovered Geraldine 
 Was not as she was painted: 
 And she discovered Bill was not 
 The boy to blush unseen, 
 And so they had their quarrels: 
 Poor little Geraldine! 
 
 What could the poor girl do? 
 
 In books and art they disagreed: 
 She read the best they made: 
 Such stuff as James and Browning; 
 Bill always read George Ade: 
 He was very fond of Dooley; 
 She leaned a bit to Ibsen; 
 He loved the comic supplement; 
 She loved the girls of Gibson. 
 What could the poor girl do? 
 
 19 
 
On music and the theatre 
 They quarreled every day: 
 He liked the Cherry sisters, 
 She doted on Duse: 
 She played Chopin and Schumann 
 And denounced it as a crime 
 When Bill sang "Hiawatha" 
 And "The Good Old Summer Time". 
 What could the poor girl do? 
 
 Her dog she named dePeyster; 
 Bill had a fighting pup: 
 One day Fitz got excited, 
 And he ate de Peyster up: 
 She named the bab}^ Reginald, 
 He wanted it named Chawles; 
 That settled it: He went his way: 
 She visited Sioux Falls. 
 
 What could the poor girl do? 
 
 20 
 
The Cataract 
 
 The Splendor Falls, etc. 
 
 The splendor falls along the halls, 
 The music vibrates con amove: 
 
 And bright e3^es dance at every chance, 
 
 And the wild Cataract leaps in glory. 
 Blow, Duchess, blow! (yourself), Set the wild echoes 
 
 flying! 
 Blow, Countess! Answer, echoes, bjiying, buying, 
 buying. 
 
 O Love, they skate in that young state, 
 
 They feint in every court endeavor; 
 Affections roll from soul to soul. 
 
 And shift forever and forever. 
 Blow, Duchess, blow! (yourself), Set the wild echoes 
 
 flying! 
 And answer, echoes, buying, buying, buying. 
 
 21 
 
Pilgrims 
 
 Three centuries ago, 
 
 Many pilgrims sailed, you know, 
 To find a home in Freedom's holy land; 
 
 Nearly all of them were men, 
 (How things have changed since then!) 
 Now the women sail out West to beat the band. 
 
 The colonies they build 
 
 Are a sort of woman's guild; 
 And the C's they have to brave are only these: 
 
 Counselors and Courts; And yet — 
 
 The freedom that they get 
 Is the same; it is to worship as they please. 
 
 The folks of 1620 
 
 Had liberty a-plenty; 
 
 They had it but they threw it all away; 
 And the Western pilgrim too. 
 When her tardy trial's through. 
 
 Takes a marriage license out that very day. 
 
 22 
 
Incompatibility 
 
 AY, Mr. Noah Webster, 
 D. D., Iv. Iv. D., M. A., 
 
 There's a word wdthin your booklet 
 That we cannot quite versteh: 
 
 "Incompatible" you call it, 
 
 But you leave us much in doubt: 
 Won't you please rexdse 5^our meaning, 
 Just to help divorcees out? 
 
 We can understand the "income", 
 For it alwaj-s comes in "pat", 
 
 But the "patible", miseriim! 
 We cannot sabe that. 
 
 23 
 
If a fellow loves a fellow 
 
 A good fellow, don't you see, 
 And that fellow loves another 
 
 Fellow's fellow that loves me, 
 
 And if that fellow's fellow 
 
 Loves the fellow that loves me. 
 Most certainly you'd call it 
 ' 'Incompatibility' ' . 
 
 So, Mr. Noah Webster, 
 
 D. D., Iv. L. D., A. M., 
 Won't you please revise the meaning 
 
 To "We're beastly tired of them"? 
 
 24 
 
Home, Sweet Home 
 
 Some hold your residence to be 
 The place you have your bunk: 
 
 And some declare as certainly 
 
 It's where you keep your trunk. 
 
 25 
 
Some say it s where your wife is; 
 
 Some say it's where she's not: 
 What is it, Mr, Howard Paj-ne? 
 
 Oh! Won't you tell us what? 
 
 Is it where you vote or where you pay 
 Your taxes or your board? 
 
 Or is it where your heart is? 
 
 Or where your goods are stored? 
 
 Back East I left my taxes 
 
 My wife and all the rest, 
 But my bunk and trunk and board-bill 
 
 I've left out in the West. 
 
 So I really cannot figure 
 
 If I have one home or two: 
 
 Or if I have no home at all, 
 I really can't, can you? 
 
 26 
 
Try, Try Again 
 
 If at first you don't succeed, 
 
 Try, try again. 
 The secret of a mighty deed 
 
 Is try, try again. 
 The little spider in the cave 
 To Robert Bruce a lesson gave; 
 It knew no other method save 
 
 Try, try again. 
 
 Now if your wedding cake is dough, 
 
 Try, try again. 
 No matter if you find it slow, 
 
 Try, try again. 
 In course of time you'll find it pays 
 To seek for joy along new ways, 
 So do not mind the length of days, 
 
 But try, try again. 
 
 Whenever there's a will, they say 
 
 To try, try again. 
 There's always sure to be a way 
 
 To try, try again. 
 It does no good to sit and cry; 
 Come to Dakota and untie 
 The knot that you are fastened by 
 
 And try, try again. 
 
 27 
 
A Soliloquy 
 
 Sitting alone in the twilight, 
 Nothing to do but to wait; 
 B'en the mad stars in their courses 
 (As slow as Dakota divorces) 
 Silently wink at her fate. 
 
 (She soliloquizes) 
 Will ever the dull days drag away? 
 How many months have I left to stay? 
 Three months yet, and let me see. 
 Just three months and i, 2, 3, 
 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 
 
 Days, and then I'm through, and then 
 I'll take the B. C. R. & N., 
 At 2 o'clock in the afternoon; 
 And that Tvdll be on the 12th of June. 
 The I2th? That's Friday! Oh, dear! No! 
 I'll wait till Saturday, then I'll go. 
 The 13th? Oh, I'll have to stay 
 Another beastly, horrid day. 
 How many days in all? Let's see; 
 March, April, May, 103. 
 That looks like 13. Oh, one more! 
 I'll have to stay 104! 
 That's how many hours before I go? 
 2513! Oh! 
 
 And I figured right up to the minute when 
 I take the B. C. R. & N, 
 I just believe I'll never go! 
 Boohoo! Boohoooo! Oh! Oh! Ohhh! Ohhhh! 
 
 28 
 
An Open Secret 
 
 There is something all men should be told: 
 No woman should ever be told it: 
 
 As the garden of Bden, it's old, 
 
 And Adam was first to behold it. 
 
 But respect is not always for age: 
 
 And you'll certainly pardon me when 
 
 I reverse for a moment the page, 
 
 And write out the secret for men. 
 
 •snouuD 3JB noiC 'x9s jno.{ p ■\S3Z ^^;\ ^^^T 
 
 '39S no^C 'vCpB^ 3WH 'nam t^ng 
 :snounj :^snC noX ^^^ju wiax ^ a&.ou^ j 
 'diu 3uiB];q noiC :^^uop 'Mon jsqujsraa'g 
 
 29 
 
Chirp a Little 
 
 Hour after hour my lady stands 
 With a silver comb and brush in her hands, 
 And never a song she sings. 
 
 Hour after hour my kitty's at home 
 Using her tongue as a brush and comb, 
 And never a purr she purrs. 
 
 Hour after hour my birdie is still 
 And straightens her feathers with her little bill, 
 And never a chirp she chirps. 
 
 Ah, birdie, remember that beauty 
 Is largely in doing one's duty: 
 Chirp a little. 
 
 30 
 
Fighting For Freedom 
 
 There are many, who, for freedom, 
 
 Face the sword and let you bleed 'em; 
 Others fight and bleed and die and never run: 
 
 But the most of those who fight, 
 
 Try to mosey out of sight, 
 When the bleeding and the dying are begun. 
 
 Once a fellow named Achilles, 
 
 Like a thousand other gillies, 
 For the freedom of a woman gave his corse; 
 
 But the one who got the glory. 
 
 Was the one who had the story 
 Told about him and his wondrous wooden horse. 
 
 31 
 
Marcus Antony for Cleo- 
 
 Patra fought like an}' leo\ 
 (The Latin is to make the rhyming go.) 
 
 He didn't get a penny, 
 
 Now they wouldn't monkey any, 
 Unless they got the freedom and the dough. 
 
 Henry 8th once got to foolin', 
 With a servant girl named Boleyn, 
 
 And he fairly overtiu^ned the church and state: 
 Now that very pious church 
 Leaves divorcees in the lurch, 
 
 And exemplifies the irony of fate. 
 
 Now you needn't go so far. 
 
 To find members of the bar 
 Who fight six months to win a man a bride; 
 
 Then they bleed their pretty clients; 
 (They've reduced it to a science.) 
 But, alas! No one of them has ever died. 
 
 32 
 
The New York Journal Man 
 
 ii((^^«^_^ /fSSs^y^ 
 
 ^^ 
 
 w 
 
 T 
 
 1 
 
 <« 
 
 
 
 HE city has accessions of renown; 
 
 The Journal man has just arrived in town: 
 
 Beyond the slightest doubt this busy 
 
 vandal 
 Has come with fixed intent to look for 
 
 scandal. 
 
 You'd better put a guard on every floor: 
 You'd better have a bar placed on your door: 
 Then go and hide — the first thing that you do, 
 Before this wise reporter catches you. 
 
 He's bound to ask you for an interview; 
 He's sure to keep an eye on what you do: 
 Just when you sleep and what you eat and drink, 
 And likewise he will ask you what you think. 
 
 He'll figure out the hour you go to walk; 
 He'll meet you and will try to make you talk; 
 And every little answer will inspire 
 A dream that he will hurry in by wire. 
 
 33 
 

 He'll ask your counsel for an interview; 
 He'll follow up the very slightest clue; 
 And when the little story reaches you, 
 You'll wonder how the little story grew. 
 
 He must obtain a story for his paper; 
 He'll make it out of incandescent vapor; 
 And the product of his heated cerebellum 
 Will fill the papers and will also sell 'em. 
 
 So, like the Arab, steal into seclusion, 
 If you'd escape the Journal man's intrusion. 
 But don't imagine, pray, that even you 
 Can keep him from a pipe-dream interview. 
 
 Hush! Hush! Hush! 
 
 The New York Journal man! 
 
 You'd best lie low, 
 
 You stand no show: 
 
 Here comes the Journal man. 
 
 if 
 
 I 
 
 34 
 
Flirting With Fate 
 
 If all the grapes were wineless 
 And if barley made but bread, 
 
 They wouldn't bring the price they do: 
 Now, would they, on the dead? 
 
 Just take the danger out of things 
 At once they grow so tame, 
 
 That people go to sleep just like 
 The moth without a flame. 
 
 You see that kid upon the ice. 
 Right by that yawning hole? 
 
 He couldn't keep from hanging 'round, 
 To save his little soul. 
 
 And you, Dear Sirs and Ladies, 
 
 Though you don't go on a skate. 
 
 Still have a mild desire 
 
 Just to flirt a bit with Fate. 
 
 35 
 
To Epicureans 
 
 I tell you, reader, on the quiet, 
 Eschew a vegetarian diet. 
 
 Why feast on cabbage-heads and beets? 
 A man is only what he eats. 
 
 Serve garden-truck to amachewers; 
 The following to epicures. 
 
 Some turtle soup, if you can take 
 The monster from a stagnant lake. 
 
 Some lobster, if you're sure it fed 
 Upon a corpse not too long dead. 
 
 37 
 
Some pig's feet or some pickled tripe, 
 If you can get them good and ripe. 
 
 Some quail, if by the smell you know 
 They decomposed some weeks ago. 
 
 Oh, that divine, angelic smack, 
 Whene'er they smell to Heaven and back! 
 
 A slice of ripe, salacious tongue, 
 
 That slipped the hook from which it himg . 
 
 A roast of beef or mutton, that 
 Has fly-blows underneath the fat. 
 
 And serve some mushrooms with it, too, 
 Raised in the barnyard just for you. 
 
 Mince pie, if it was made from scraps, 
 I<eft on the dinner-plates, perhaps. 
 
 The kind of cheese j^ou're hardly able 
 To hold by nailing to the table. 
 
 These things should all be named in French 
 To give the words the proper stench. 
 
 38 
 
Attractions 
 
 When you notice two bodies stick closer'n a brother, 
 And one of them lie on the breast of the other; 
 Don't think the attraction a sort of depravity; 
 
 It isn't, it's gravity. 
 
 When two bodies unite and are sparking at will. 
 And just vibrate and sing with a tremulous thrill. 
 Don't think it's attraction that's scorning publicity; 
 
 It's just electricity. 
 
 When two bodies unite as in one molecule, 
 And the arms of the one like the shoes of a mule 
 Are embracing the other; Don't ask for a schism; 
 
 It's just magnetism. 
 
 When two bodies unite by the bonds of the law 
 And you hear them discussing about asking Pa 
 To dish up a slice of his good patrimony; 
 
 Why that's matrimony. 
 
 But if one is too positive, t'other negates, 
 And the broom-pole connects with their mutual pates, 
 If the bonds of the law are just snapped, why, of course. 
 
 That's divorce. 
 
 39 
 
Doves 
 
 wo loving young doves came home one 
 night 
 And cooed their accustomed greeting; 
 She had attended a five o'clock tea, 
 And he, a political meeting. 
 
 '"Twas small, but a horrible bore", said she, 
 '♦And the lunch will not soon be forgotten; 
 The bugs were as bitter as bitter could be. 
 And the angle-worm salad was rotten. 
 
 "The blackbird recited some horrible verse 
 Called 'Give me three grains of com'. 
 And the song that the catbird sang was worse 
 Than I've heard since the day I was born. 
 
 «'And they say Mrs. Bobolink came from her nest 
 With triplets, and Bob is a-hunting 
 For seed, and some of them peeped it around 
 That one of them looks like a bunting. 
 
 41 
 
"And little Jim Crow is most feeble indeed, 
 Laid up with the laryngitis; 
 And Jennie Wren swallowed a raspberry seed, 
 And is sick with appendicitis". 
 
 Said he, for this was the very first chance 
 To let one little word slip; 
 "I've been making the eagle bird scream and dance 
 To promote good citizenship. 
 
 I spoke about cleaning the principal street 
 And I thought I had struck the right note, 
 When the magpie cried, 'If you're not more 
 
 discreet 
 You'll lose the whole Sparrow-town vote". 
 
 "Who cares?" I said, "these things are required 
 If we care for the Methodist church"; 
 And then an old parrot just made us all tired 
 By screeching, 'Come off o' your perch!'. 
 
 ' 'The Owl wants election to Congress again 
 And the Jay-bird wants primary laws; 
 The Crow is proclaiming a new caucus plan 
 And is leading the caucus cause. 
 
 "The woodpeckers say they will knock any 
 chimip, 
 That tries for another term; 
 
 And they'll all of them hasten to take the stump; 
 For 'The early bird catches the worm' ". 
 
 42 
 
That night when they went to their cote for rest, 
 They quarreled 'way into the mom; 
 For Ivovey neglected to make up the nest 
 And Dovey to gather the com. 
 
 And Lovey cooed sadly when she was alone, 
 "Society life is too swell"; 
 
 And Dovey coo-cooed in a soft undertone, 
 "Political life is just Hell". 
 
 Next day they forgave and resumed their love, 
 As good little birdie and wife; 
 And both of them say there's no place for a dove 
 In the social-political life. 
 
 43 
 
Horace and Lydia 
 
 (Book III, Ode IX.) 
 
 Horace. As long ae our love had charms, 
 
 Ere time had engendered aversions, 
 With your snowy-soft neck in my arms, 
 I was gay as the king of the Persians. 
 
 Lydia. As long as you fondled no other, 
 
 Ere you met Miss Chloe and kissed her, 
 I was willing to call you a brother, 
 And dying to live as a sister. 
 
 45 
 
Horace. Ah, Chloe plays sweet on the lyre, 
 
 And sings like a full-throated starling: 
 I would willingly go through hell-fire 
 To save the dear life of my darling. 
 
 Lydia. I assure you my sweetheart's as sweet. 
 And your saffron-hued girl isn't in it: 
 I would go through hell-fire and repeat, 
 Just to see my Calais a minute. 
 
 Horace. Sweet, what if I turn Chloe down, 
 
 And take back the heart that I gave her? 
 Will you banish that shadowy frown. 
 If I open my warm vena cava? 
 
 Lydia. Yes, though he be fairer than Venus, 
 High-born and a lord plutocratic, 
 No billow shall e'er come between us. 
 
 Though you storm like the wild Adriatic. 
 
 46 
 
Confessions of a Dollar 
 
 Since first I left the Denver mint, 
 And 'gan to knock about, 
 I've gained a rather sombre tint. 
 And worn my milling out. 
 
 Since first I left the mint. 
 
 47 
 
My first experience was worse 
 Than you could dream; I lay 
 Upon a dead man's eye; His purse 
 Was searched his dying day. 
 
 His widow searched for me. 
 
 Six months she treasured me and oft 
 She looked at me through tears; 
 And then I bought a bridal veil 
 The second in two years. 
 
 Six months she treasured me. 
 
 I bought some beer the following day 
 And de\dous ways we trod; 
 And Sunday I was used to pay 
 An offering to God. 
 
 Next day I bought some wine. 
 
 I bought a vote election day, 
 At night backed up a flush; 
 The following day I went to pay 
 For standard oil and — Hush! 
 
 I bought two other votes. 
 
 I then was paid as interest 
 On a watch that was in hock; 
 I slid into a miser's vest 
 And then into his sock: 
 
 I then lost interest. 
 
 48 
 
I lay six years within that sock, 
 With not a thing to do, 
 But think of the evil purposes 
 That they had put me to. 
 
 Six years within a sock! 
 
 At last came resurrection 
 From among the silver socks; 
 And I went as partial payment 
 On a leaden cofi&n-box. 
 
 He'll never loosen up. 
 
 And then the next things that I bought, 
 I'll state in order here; 
 Some beer, a railroad ticket, beer, 
 A lunch, cigars and beer. 
 
 And then I bought more beer. 
 
 I fear that if reformers 
 Had my pedigree down pat 
 They once for all would pass me up 
 And never pass the hat. 
 
 I really fear for that. 
 
 I'd just as soon assist the church 
 As serve the hosts of sin; 
 If Christians only wouldn't search 
 Too closely where I've been; 
 
 I'm not to blame for that. 
 
 49 
 
Little Red Baby 
 
 Little red baby a-suckin' his toe, 
 Tastes jes good as the white kid's though; 
 Don't have no rubber rings to chew, 
 Any old piece of a bone will do; 
 
 Little red baby. 
 
 Dirty nose baby, 
 We all got to eat a peck o' dirt, maybe. 
 
 50 
 
Don't have chocolate candy to eat, 
 Des suck away on a piece o' raw meat; 
 Don't take syrup to cure the croup, 
 Des take a sip o' sweet dog-soup. 
 
 Little red baby, 
 
 Dirty nose baby, 
 Soup lots sweeter than syrup, maybe. 
 
 Wen oo is sick des lies on the groun' 
 Don't have no ugly doctors 'roun'; 
 Fillin' oo up wdth sickenin' stuff, 
 Des take nuffin at all, that's enuff ; 
 
 Little red baby, 
 
 Dirty nose baby. 
 Sweetest 'ittle sing in the whole world, maybe. 
 
 Wait, little baby, till papa goes 
 For a knife to cut gashes over your nose; 
 Don't cry, babe, don't mind it a bit; 
 Papa wants to see if baby has grit; 
 
 Little red baby, 
 
 Dirty nose baby, 
 Grittiest thing in the whole world, maybe. 
 
 Nurse don't push oo aroun' in a cab; 
 
 Des ties oo up to an old rotten slab; 
 
 Or takes an old blanket and pulls up the slack. 
 
 An' tucks oo in an' oo rides pig-back; 
 
 Little red baby, 
 
 Dirty nose baby, 
 Mama's as good as a nurse for oo, maybe. 
 
 51 
 
Don't have a name like Crow or Catt, 
 Or Hogg or Bull or a name like that; 
 But des the sweetest you ever has heard, 
 For mama calls oo her 'ittle lost bird; 
 
 Little red baby, 
 
 Dirty nose baby, 
 You'd smell as sweet by any name, maybe. 
 
 52 
 
Radium 
 
 When radium was discovered 
 
 Science hastened to confess 
 
 That every theory she held 
 
 was shattered more or less; 
 
 Her schemes of energy and heat 
 
 Of light and life were incomplete 
 
 And she was forced to beat retreat 
 
 from each exploded guess. 
 
 Its mother was Bohemia, 
 
 its father gay Paree; 
 No wonder it is light and warm 
 
 from such an ancestry. 
 And when it reached New York, it sold 
 At an advance — an hundred fold — 
 Three thousand times its weight in gold, 
 
 like any luxtiry. 
 
 Its emanations penetrate all objects to the core, 
 Your radio-active eyes will see 
 
 things never seen before; 
 And with your radio-active ears. 
 You'll hear the music of the spheres. 
 The lost cord and your lost ideas 
 
 will leave you nevermore. 
 
 53 
 
It has a wondrous power to stay 
 
 the ravage of decay: 
 Ephemeral things no longer will be creatures 
 
 of a day; 
 Your relatives will never die, 
 You'll need no mansions in the sky, 
 But in the sweet old bye-and-bye 
 
 all things will come to stay. 
 
 And when it sells somewhere about the average 
 
 price of chalk, 
 Diseases deeply-seated will desert their 
 
 seats and walk; 
 All bacteria will perish 
 Every microbe cease to flourish 
 And the whole zymotic kingdom join the dodo 
 
 and the auk. 
 
 It now has reached the guinea-pig and rat and 
 
 rabbit status; 
 The doctors too are trjdng it and soon will 
 
 recreate us; 
 No longer shall we cry "More light!" 
 When radio-active brains are bright, 
 For possibly the clergy might receive 
 
 *'di\dne afflatus". 
 
 54 
 
The Rubaiyat of Rosey DeVorcey 
 
 Awake! For Morning bids His Honor write 
 The dear Decree that puts our Fears to Flight; 
 
 And lo! The Huntress from the Bast has found 
 The Boon that's caused her many a sleepless Night. 
 
 Dreaming when Dawn's hind Foot was in the Sky, 
 I heard a Voice within the Cataract cry; 
 
 "Awake, my little one and haste to Court, 
 Before the Circuit Court shall pass you by!" 
 
 And as the Cock crew, those who stood before 
 The Court-room shouted, "Open Thou the Door! 
 
 You know how little Time we have to stay. 
 And once departed, may return no more!" 
 
 ^jjtiit**** * * * ******* 
 
 Sioux Falls indeed is gone, with Glare and Stare, 
 And gone the six Months' stay one knows not where: 
 
 But still the Vine her ancient Ruby yields, 
 And there are Glasses on the Sideboard there. 
 
 55 
 
Come, fill them up! and drink the End of Sorrow; 
 
 That future Cares we'll neither buy nor borrow: 
 The Bird of Time has but a little Way 
 
 To fly, and lo! She comes this Way Tomorrow. 
 
 With all my Mind and Heart and Soul, I bless 
 The Hour of starting from this Wilderness: 
 
 I'll leave the Flask of Wine, the Bread, the Verse: 
 Ah Paradise! It is the Fast Express! 
 
 I sometimes think when I am being fed 
 From ancient China on my Table spread. 
 
 That e'en the knives and forks I feed me with, 
 Carried the Food to some once lovely Head. 
 
 Alike for those who for Today prepare 
 
 To walk down Town Tomorrow just to stare; 
 
 A still, small Voice within the Conscience cries, 
 "Fools! Your Reward is neither here nor there". 
 
 Why, all the Maids and Critics who discussed 
 The Scandal of the City, will be thrust 
 
 Like foolish Prophets forth, their Words to Scorn 
 Will scatter, and their Mouths be stopped with Dust. 
 
 Myself, when young, did often hear, perforce, 
 Doctor and Saint discuss about Divorce: 
 
 About it and about, but evermore 
 They finished where they started in, of course. 
 
 56 
 
Oh, come with me and let us leave the Wise 
 To talk! One Thing is certain, that Life flies; 
 
 One Thing is certain and the Rest is Lies; 
 We'll have to pluck the Flower before it dies. 
 
 Ah, my Beloved, fill the Cup Today; 
 
 That drives Regrets and future Fears away; 
 Tomorrow? Why, Tomorrow you may be 
 
 Doing your Time like any Divorcee. 
 
 For some there are, the loveliest and the best, 
 That from its Courts Society hath prest, 
 
 Have drunk their Cup of Joy, alas! too deep. 
 And one by one sailed slowly to the West. 
 
 Hardly has died the merry Wedding Bell, 
 Something comes up that simply raises — well. 
 
 Today you are the Mrs. So-and-so, 
 Tomorrow you are Mrs. Who-can-tell? 
 
 Strange that of multitudes that get 
 Entangled in the matrimonial Net, 
 
 No one essays to tell you of the Toils, 
 But leaves that Pleasure to the Spinster Set. 
 
 Small Souls rejoice because old Adam fell, 
 For otherwise there would have been no Hell; 
 
 Now since the Preachers cut the Brimstone out, 
 For them a Hell on Earth does just as well. 
 
 57 
 
Before the Skeleton of Scandal cools, 
 There gather round a hungry Horde of Ghouls, 
 
 "Who tear apart the reeking, creaking Bones, 
 And with them build a Paradise for Fools. 
 
 And if in after Years the cursed Debt 
 Remain upon the Books, why, we will let 
 
 The bankrupt Debtor blot it from the Page, 
 While we love our Carnations and forget. 
 
 We come upon Life's Chess-board at the Dawn 
 To fight a cruel World — a feeble Pawn — , 
 
 Are we not fortunate if the great Judge 
 Declare the most unequal Battle drawn? 
 
 If we be helpless Pawns, 'tis just the same, 
 As though by conscious Move we lose the Game; 
 
 If the great Player gave us Power to move. 
 He will not hold His little Pawn to blame. 
 
 The woimded Oyster mends its Shell with Pearl; 
 
 Who should complain if some poor lonely Girl, 
 With wounded Heart should come for a Divorce, 
 
 And mend the Thing ^dth Love of some rich Earl? 
 
 Connubial Hopes for which our warm Hearts thirst. 
 Are blighted or they blossom, if they're nursed; 
 
 Like to the rainbow Bubble on a Pipe, 
 They dazzle us a little while, then burst. 
 
 58 
 
A pretty Sealskin from the Behring Sea, 
 A Seal of the Circuit Court on my Decree: 
 
 A Bottle of White Seal to celebrate; 
 
 Oh! This would surely do for Thee and Me. 
 
 As under Cover of the parting Days, 
 
 The hungering Reporters went their Ways, 
 
 Once more within the Cataract alone 
 I stood, surrounded by the Divorcees. 
 
 Shapes of all Sorts and Sizes great and small. 
 Like Omar's Pottery stood along the Hall; 
 
 And some loquacious Vessels were, and some. 
 Listened, perchance, but never talked at all. 
 
 Said one among them, « 'Surely all in Vain 
 My Substance from my Pocket-book was ta'en; 
 
 And all my weary Waiting now is lost, 
 And all my Hopes are dashed to Earth again". 
 
 Then said a second, ' 'Ne'er a peevish Boy 
 
 Would break the Bowl from which he drank in Joy; 
 
 The Legislature holding forth at Pierre 
 Will not the Vessel it has made, destroy". 
 
 Whereat some one of the loquacious Lot, 
 (I think a Southern Beauty) waxing hot, 
 
 • 'All this of Pierre! The legislative Bulls 
 Will smash the China-shop as like as not 
 
 )) 
 
 59 
 
Just as the Vessels gave a final Sigh, 
 
 They glanced and saw a Porter passing by: 
 
 They cried, "Oh Porter, bring the soothing Grape! 
 Our Clay, from burning Worry, is gone dry". 
 
 Then spoke the Dean of all the lonely Corps, 
 "Before we part to meet again no more, 
 
 I lift the Glass to those of you who stay, 
 When I am gone beyond the outer Door' ' . 
 
 "And when, like many another I shall pass. 
 And change from Wife to Widow, (only grass) 
 
 If others, in their errand, join the Crowd 
 Where I was one, — turn down an empty Glass". 
 
 60 
 
Limericks. 
 
 A solicitor — swell, if you please, 
 Whose Prince Albert* is getting decrees, 
 Scans every fair daughter, 
 And it makes his mouth water, 
 For his heart is just aching for fees. 
 * long suit 
 
 A lawyer who's built like a brewer, 
 Whose "silence is golden" for sure. 
 Gets clients by scores, 
 For he closes the doors 
 That lead to Society's sewer. 
 
 6i 
 
A sport and an all-around Willie, 
 
 Far-famed for his fondness for Lillie, 
 
 Had the time of his life 
 
 Getting rid of his wife, 
 
 For she anticipated the Gillie. 
 
 While his Judgeship is filling the jail, he 
 Opens a pantomime daily; 
 "The humbug's the thing" 
 Said Bamum, "By Jing!" 
 And it has the endorsement of Bailey. 
 
 There was one who produced a sensation, 
 
 That rivaled the great Carrie Nation; 
 
 Did she knock? I guess not. 
 
 She just married. Great Scott! 
 
 And the news simply startled Creation. 
 
 There was a quite aged young girl 
 From the heart of Society's whirl; 
 She could dance, she could sing 
 And play any old thing, 
 So she played the fourth son of an earl. 
 
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 \ L.Uw