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 Up-to-Date Fables 
 
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 BY 
 
 JEZ/* J3« liLJElijEwJkC 
 
 
 NCW YOKK: Published by Edwin C. W^Ucer at 
 244 West One Hundred and Forty-third 
 ;ett In October, Niqeteen Hundred and Five* 
 Price* Twenty-five Cents. 
 
UP-TO-DATE FABLES. 
 
 BY 
 
 R. B. -KERR 
 
 NEW YORK: PubHshed by Edwin C. Walker at 
 
 244 West One Hundred and Forty-third 
 
 Street, in October, Nineteen Hundred and Five. 
 
 Price, Twenty-five Cents. 
 

 CONTENTS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 The Male Amazons . • . . . . . . • .3 
 
 The Strassburg Geese . .' - 9 
 
 Bread Eaten in Secret . . . . . . .13 
 
 The One Tune . . ....... 16 
 
 A Tale about Noses . . . . . . . .21 
 
 The Women and the Wells 25 
 
 .•. : 
 
 Mrs. Grundy's Two Boarding SctpJ^ls . . . . .28 
 
 '•• 
 
 The Emancipated Horses 30 
 
 i^>^'^ slier 
 
UP-TO-DATE FABLES 
 
 THE MALE AMAZONS. 
 
 LL readers of ancient history have heard of the 
 Amazons, a race of women remarkable for their 
 intelligence and valor in war. It is generally 
 believed, -however, that there were no men among 
 the Amazons. That is quite a mistake, for the 
 male Amazons were as numerdiTs as the women; but they were 
 80 stunted, both in body and mind, that most historians pass 
 them over as too insignificant to mention. This curious ano- 
 maly was brought about in the following way. 
 
 Several centuries before the Amazons appear in history, a 
 prophetess lived among them who was believed to possess the 
 powers of a god, and was greatly feared by the people. Hav- 
 ing been deserted by a lover, she had an intense hatred towards 
 men in general, and determined to revenge herself ©n the whole 
 of that gender. To accomplish her object, she issued an edict 
 forbidding every unmarried man to wash himself at all, and 
 prohibiting even a married man to wash except in his wife's 
 basin. Women, on the contrary, were allowed to wash as much 
 as they liked, whether married or not. 
 
 This new form of asceticism which the prophetess imposed 
 on men she called Unwashtity, and she ordained that every 
 man who lost his Unwashtity should be an outcast from society, 
 and all his family should be dishonored. 
 
4 Up-to-Date-Fables. 
 
 This edict soon produced the desired effect. Parents had 
 such a dread that their sons might hj any chance get washed, 
 that they tried to keep them ignorant of the existence of water. 
 The children were allowed to drink only tea, coffee, and other 
 liquids in which it was unlikely that they would manifest a de- 
 sire to wash. All books and papers in which water was men- 
 tioned were excluded from respectable households; and all the 
 literature read by the yoimg and even older men was subjected 
 to the severest censorship. Young men were not allowed to 
 appear on the streets or public places, unless attended by wom- 
 en, or by old men who had been dirty so long that they had lost 
 the desire to be clean. Men were excluded from all public 
 offices and intellectual occupations, and kept in constant seclu- 
 sion and ignorance, lest perchance they should come to hear of 
 water. 
 
 In a very short time women became the dominant sex among 
 the Amazons. The ignorance of men, and their need of wash- 
 ing, enabled the women to exploit them to the utmost. 
 
 Public opinion decided that man's sphere was the home, 
 where he was not likely to learn too much. So the men worked 
 hard at domestic duties from morning to night, while the 
 women went out and worked at their occupations for eight or 
 ten hours a day. After their work was over, the women went 
 to concerts, theatres, and other places of amusement, and 
 spent all their money over and above what they needed for the 
 bare maintenance of the family. They never gave the men 
 any money, but they gave them their food and clothes. They 
 never dreamed of paying the men for their hard labor, for they 
 considered a man very lucky to have a bread winner to save 
 him from starvation. 
 
The Male Amazons. 5 
 
 In spite of all precautions a number of young men found 
 out the existence of water ana the fact that there was such a 
 thing as washing. The effect of the discovery varied according 
 to the temperament of the individual. The majority adhered 
 to the belief that washing was wrong. Had not their grand- 
 mothers said it? Had not the priests said it? A number of 
 others said that they did not believe washing was nice, and they 
 would rather not hear about it at all. Some had a natural dis- 
 like to cleanliness, and never lost a chance of parading their 
 virtue. On the other hand, there were some who scorned the 
 conventional morality and boldly washed. Many more, how- 
 ever, pretended to be very moral, but secretly enjoyed the de- 
 lights of washing, to the injury of their characters and the 
 great advancement of the art of lying. 
 
 A literature of Unwashtity sprang up, and Miltons, now 
 mute and inglorious, sang of the glories and splendors of a 
 dirty skin. But these poets rarely carried their ideas into 
 practice, especially when they belonged to the female sex. The 
 men took things a little more seriously, and every cultivated 
 young man tried to write a sonnet on the beauties of Unwash- 
 tity. On the other hand, all books relating to water were pro- 
 hibited, and one editor was sent to prison for a year for print- 
 ing the word ' * wash. ' ' * 
 
 In time, however, men managed to get a little education and 
 a little economic independence. The more enlightened of them 
 had a feeling that all was not right on the subject of Unwash- 
 tity. At length the boldest of them ventured to express their 
 feelings. The first remedies proposed must seem rather curious 
 to a modern reader. The one most in favor was that of a 
 certain Harry Small, who wrote a book called ''The Twin 
 
6 XJp-to-Date-Fables. 
 
 Devils/' to prove that the real trouble was that there was too 
 much washing. This writer recommended that unmarried 
 women should also be prohibited from washing, and that mar- 
 ried women should be confined to the use of their husbands' 
 basins. Some of the women, however, showed a greater 
 breadth of view, and advocated free washing for everybody, 
 greatly to the horror of the men. Nevertheless, one of these 
 books, * * The Man Who Washed, ' ' attracted universal attention. 
 Tabitha Nixon tried to answer it in her novel, ^'The One 
 Basin, ' ' but with little success, and everyone at length began 
 to see that the matter was coming to a head. 
 
 A meeting to discuss the question was called by a number of 
 advanced women, and a few men were also present. One 
 woman moved a resolution that the ridiculous and superstitious 
 custom of Unwashtity should be discontinued. * ^ This so-called 
 virtue, ' ' said she, ' ^ has condemned men to the darkest ignor- 
 ance, taken away their economic independence, and compelled 
 them to work interminably for the barest subsistence. The 
 habit of not washing is spreading disease everywhere, among 
 women as well as men. The desire for cleanliness is as natural 
 as hunger, thirst, love, and all the other pressing needs of 
 human nature, and it is atrocious cruelty to refuse it satis- 
 faction. In any case, why draw any distinction between men 
 and women?" 
 
 When this speaker had finished, a man rose to his feet. *^I 
 have," he said, ^^been deeply shocked and pained by what I 
 have heard. Who can contemplate without a shudder the 
 effects of free washing? It would mean that every one would 
 wash from morning till night, that the bodies of the people 
 would be debilitated by constant bathing, and that the expen- 
 diture on soap would ruin the country. It is absurd to compare 
 
The Male Amazons. 7 
 
 free washing with freedom in such things as eating and love 
 making. Hunger and love are the fundamental instincts, and 
 where they are concerned nature tells us so clearly where to 
 stop, and so quickly, that any artificial restrictions would be 
 absurd. It is quite different with washing, which is only a 
 luxury. As for the last speaker's question, *why have one 
 moral standard for women, and another for men?' that is 
 evidently inspired by the devil, whose custom it is to suggest 
 questions which it is impossible to answer.'' 
 
 The discussion promised to become very animated, when 
 suddenly several little girls at the back of the hall shouted 
 ** water. " The hall-keepers tried to quiet the mischievous 
 little wretches, but it was too late. Indignant fathers quickly 
 cleared their sons out of the hall, the young men bridling and 
 looking dreadfully outraged. The women, except those who 
 had sons there, found it hard to restrain their laughter. The 
 meeting ended in confusion. 
 
 But that did not settle the question, for a few of the ad- 
 vanced young men decided that it was useless to spend more 
 time discussing the rightness of washing, and that the best 
 way was simply to wash. Accordingly, they washed. Great 
 was the consternation of society, and speedy the casting out 
 of the culprits. But the culprits made a club among them- 
 selves and lived together, washing as often as they pleased. 
 Horrible to relate, they were soon surrounded by admiring 
 women, who found that men who washed were much the 
 nicest. They lived a delightful unconventional life, and 
 numbers followed their example. Finally they decided to cast 
 out society, not from any malicious feeling, but because they 
 found it so dull. But society, finding that all its interesting 
 members were gone, thought it must go too, and earnestly 
 
8 Up-to-Date-Fables. 
 
 begged to be an outcast. The outcasts hardened their hearts 
 for a time, but finally decided to let society be an outcast on 
 the one condition that it should give up the head of a certain 
 Mr. Grundy, who was believed to be the devil in disguise. 
 Society gladly accepted this condition, and lived happily as an 
 outcast ever after. 
 
THE STKASSBUEG GEESE. 
 
 
 OST of my readers are acquainted with the dish 
 known as pat6 de foie gras. Some of them, 
 however, may not be aware that it is made in 
 Strassburg from the livers of geese. To prepare 
 them for their destiny the geese are kept in 
 darkness and seclusion, in a kind of cellar, and are fed in a 
 special manner so as to fatten their livers, and make these swell 
 to unnatural dimensions. The unfortunate geese have no other 
 function in life except to supply mankind with pat6 de foie 
 gras. 
 
 A few years ago a movement of advanced thought appeared 
 among the geese of Strassburg. Considerable dissatisfaction 
 was expressed with the position of a Strassburg goose, and a 
 great public meeting was held under the auspices of the 
 Strassburg Goosehood Suffrage Association. The most promi- 
 nent speaker was a tall, gray gander who hissed out the 
 following sentiments: 
 
 ' ' My friends, it is outrageous that any goose should be valued 
 solely on account of one organ of her body. Has not a goose 
 
10 Up-to-date-Fables. 
 
 a brain? Has not she a set of beautifully developed senses, 
 and a thirst after knowledge? Yet geese are kept in darkness 
 and ignorance, never knowing anything of the wonders and joys 
 of life. They are stunted in mind and body, simply that they 
 may the better satisfy some sensual appetite for pate de f oie 
 gras. All the mental gifts and bodily graces of a goose 
 have become mere appendages of one of the most despised parts 
 of her person. I tell you that geese will never take their proper 
 place in the world until they secure self-ownership, and cease 
 to exist merely to gratify the appetites of others.'' 
 
 There was great applause at the end of this speech, but an 
 old white goose flounced on to the platform, and replied as 
 follows : 
 
 **It is, I admit, very necessary that there should be an 
 improvement in the position of geese. But the radical opinions 
 of the last speaker are quite uncalled for. All the legitimate 
 aspirations of geese would be satisfied by Goosehood Suffrage 
 and the Higher Education of Geese. What geese need most is 
 a better knowledge of Mathematics. As for physical freedom, 
 it is certainly true that a dark cellar is rather a restricted place, 
 but a good course of the Delsarte system of physical culture 
 would preserve the health of geese, and at the same time save 
 their modesty. As for geese going out into the open air, and 
 being openly observed by men and women (in a state of nudity, 
 too), who ever heard of such a thing? It is time to establish 
 a Censorship of Hisses, in order that such indelicate proposals 
 may not again be heard by the young. As for the lovers of 
 pat^ de foie gras, how could a goose live without them? It 
 would be too cruel to hurt the feelings of those who have our 
 interests so much at heart." 
 
 Nevertheless, the spirit of revolt prevailed. Geese began to 
 
The Strassburg Geese. 11 
 
 pine for liberty, and either drooped or openly expressed their 
 discontent. This was very annoying to lovers of pate de f oie 
 gras, as it is necessary that the geese should have a sane and 
 healthy habit of mind, in order that the best pates may be 
 produced. The matter was carefully discussed, and it was 
 decided to send missionaries to convert the geese to more 
 reasonable views. 
 
 A number of soft-spoken gentlemen, versed in the language 
 of geese, appeared in the dark cellars. They showed the geese 
 how terribly deluded they had been as to their supposed wrongs. 
 They proved to them how much nobler it was to be eaten as 
 pate de foie gras than to eat pate de foie gras, because the 
 eaten practised the highest form of self-sacrifice, while the 
 eaters only gratified themselves. They told them that a bright 
 crown was reserved above for all who had been eaten as pates, 
 and that in the next life geese would have a higher place than 
 men. 
 
 The geese believed the story. Who could blame them? 
 They had been brought up in darkness, and the key of knowl- 
 edge had been kept from them all their lives. But soon after 
 an unforeseen difficulty arose. Owing to certain fluctuations of 
 public taste the demand for pates fell off, and consequently a 
 number of the geese which had been fattened were not needed 
 for use. These unfortunate geese went to their spiritual guides 
 and pointed out the hardships of their position. **It is all 
 very well, ' ' said they, 'Ho be kept ignorant and blind, if only 
 you are eaten in the end; but it is a little too hard to sacrifice 
 everything to your liver; and then not be wanted after all. ^ ' 
 
 But the spiritual guides exposed the fallacy ot these remarks. 
 * 'Surely," said they, ''it is good that those who eat pat6 de 
 foie gras should have plenty of choice. It is a well-known 
 
12 Up-to-Date-Fables. 
 
 economic law that the value of everything depends on supply and 
 demand, and the larger the supply in proportion to the demand, 
 the cheaper the commodity. By remaining in your cellars, you 
 are making geese plentiful and cheap, and surely you will 
 sacrifice yourselves to that extent to please men, when they have 
 been so good to you. Besides, the larger the supply, the more 
 varied the choice. It is thus made possible for the average 
 man to have a better pat6, when there are so many livers to 
 choose from. Finally, you must remember that there is a 
 particularly bright crown reserved for those who have been 
 bred for p^tes, and then not needed. Happy the goose which 
 is made into p^tes, but happier still the goose which is not 
 made into p^t^s." 
 
 So the revolt of the geese ended — for a time, at least. I 
 am told the geese say they like their lot. They allege that they 
 are not forced to live in their dark cellars, but do so of their 
 own free will, for the service of God and the love of Man. It 
 may be so, for, as the proverb says, there is no accounting for 
 tastes. 
 
BBEAD EATEN IN SECEET. 
 
 RAVELLEES tell us that among the hill tribes of 
 India there is a community of people who con- 
 sider it a disgrace to be seen eating. I have 
 made careful inquiries into the habits of this 
 people, with the following results : 
 It seems that the members of this tribe, like all the rest of 
 the world, admit that eating is necessary, but they call it a 
 necessary evil. Their great aim is to drive vice imderground. 
 None of the stores on the main street of their village supply 
 any kind of food, but on the outskirts are a number of houses 
 to which the people resort after dark to buy food surreptitiously. 
 Everybody goes to one or other of these houses, but all are 
 careful not to be observed, in order to escape being cast out of 
 society. 
 
 It might be supposed that, in a community where eating is 
 regarded with such horror, gluttony must be unknown. But we 
 find, on the contrary, that overeating is more common there than 
 anywhere else. The thoughts of all the people are occupied with 
 eating. Whenever a few children get together alone, they begin 
 to tell each other naughty stories about eating. In school when 
 any passage is read which suggests food in the most distant 
 way, a grin goes round the class. It is the same with grown-up 
 people. Not only are they always telling indecent stories about 
 
14 Up-to-Date-Fables. 
 
 food, but even their dreams are constantly disturbed with the 
 thought of it. So ravenously do they eat, that their stomachs 
 are always out of order, and their frames are exhausted with the 
 over-expenditure of energy in eating. 
 
 Moreover, disease is very prevalent, owing to the bad quality 
 of the food. Being supplied only by the scum of society, in 
 out of the way holes and corners, it is as bad as the whiskey 
 which is drunk under prohibition, and breeds all kinds of 
 disorders. It is also very dear, for those who sell it are liable 
 to be raided at any time by the police and severely punished, and 
 cannot be expected to take such risks for nothing. 
 
 Those who sell the food are naturally regarded as the vilest 
 of mankind, and have no standing in society. But they know 
 how to revenge themselves on the respectable. Young people 
 throng the eating houses imder cover of night, and the inmates 
 take every opportunity of leading them into bad habits, teach- 
 ing them to drink and gamble, and even try to poison their 
 minds against their mothers and sisters. These illicit dealers 
 have an inveterate hatred of the respectable merchants of the 
 community, and endeavor to injure them in every way. Being 
 outcasts themselves, they try to pull all others into the gutter. 
 
 So deplorable has the condition of things become in this 
 commimity, that all good people are discussing means of check- 
 ing the social evil, as they call it. Vigilance committees have 
 been formed to drive vice still farther underground. Every 
 month the keepers of eating houses are brought before the police 
 magistrate and fined. Sermons are preached from every pul- 
 pit, describing the lives and characters of those who sell food, 
 and pointing them out as examples of the awful consequences 
 of eating. But it is all in vain. Vice is driven farther un- 
 derground, but eating goes on just the same. 
 
Bread Eaten in Secret. 15 
 
 There are many enlightened people in America who ought to 
 be able to suggest a cure for this great evil. I propose that the 
 matter be referred to Anthony Comstock and other prominent 
 reformers in America, and also to Lady Henry Somerset in 
 England; and that they be earnestly requested to suggest the 
 means which, in their opinion, would be best fitted to remove 
 the evil. 
 
THE ONE TUNE. 
 
 OME time ago, I was invited by a friend to go to a 
 Spiritualistic seance. I had always regarded 
 Spiritualism with a very sceptical eye, but be- 
 ing quite open to conviction^ I accepted the invi- 
 tation. I was well repaid for my trouble, for 
 I saw not one spirit only, but a number ; and, as there were not 
 many guests present, I was able to get a beautiful jhxmg spirit, 
 with long golden hair, all to myself. She was full of interest- 
 ing information, for she had just been on a holiday trip to the 
 planet Jupiter. I seized so splendid an opportunity, and asked 
 her to tell me all about this great planet, and its inhabitants, if 
 any. She agreed, and spoke as follows: 
 
 ''Many people have doubted whether Jupiter could be inhab- 
 ited, but in fact it is thickly populated by beings with spirits 
 like our own, although differing much from the people of Earth 
 in the shape and composition of their bodies. But there is not 
 time to tell you everything, so I shall confine myself to the 
 most striking peculiarity of these beings. You will hardly be- 
 lieve me when I tell you that the whole tone of life and morals 
 in Jupiter is determined by one strange rule, that no person 
 Bhall during the whole course of his life hear more than one 
 tone. 
 
 So strict are the Jups on this point that they place the virtue 
 
The One Tune. 17 
 
 of having heard only one tune far above those virtues which 
 make people happy. In fact, when you call a Jup 'moral/ 
 you usually mean that he has heard only one tune. He may 
 be a liar, a shrew, a hypocrite, a monster of spite and cruelty; 
 yet, if he has heard only one tune, all will admit that he is at 
 least virtuous. On the other hand, he may be full of love and 
 tenderness for everything that lives; but, if he has ever heard 
 more than one tune, he is cast into the gutter as a thing too 
 foul to be touched, or even mentioned by decent people. 
 
 ' ' Each Jup is supposed to have the choosing of the tune he ia 
 to stick to for life, and this cannot well be done before the age 
 of discretion is reached. Accordingly it is necessary to pre- 
 vent the young from ever hearing any music at all, or even 
 guessing at the existence of such a thing, lest it should dis- 
 turb their 'minds and arouse a precocious curiosity. The re- 
 sult is that the young of Jupiter are reared in great ignorance. 
 They are closely watched, cannot go out after certain hours, 
 and are allowed to read only selected books which do not al- 
 lude to music. 
 
 **At last, when old enough, each Jup is taken into a large 
 and gaily decorated hall. In the centre is a table covered with 
 musical boxes done up in frills of many colors, and each con- 
 taining one piece of music. From these the young Jup may 
 choose one. Of course he cannot hear the different tunes played 
 over before choosing, but must judge by the frills and the 
 colors. 
 
 *'His choice is made more difficult by the inquisitive curios- 
 ity of all present. Music being a wicked and forbidden thing, 
 whatever concerns it arouses breathless excitement in every 
 breast. Every eye, and every available eye-glass or opera-glass, 
 is fixed on the young Jup as he makes his choice. If he hesi- 
 
18 Up-to-Date-Fables. 
 
 tates, and looks first at one box and then at another, the 
 onlookers wink and nudge their neighbors, and it is whispered 
 that the youth would like to hear more than one tune if he 
 dared, and who knows if he has not already heard some music. 
 For in Jupiter everyone is virtuous, and would blush at the very 
 thought of hearing more than one tune; yet each thinks all the 
 others are dying for a chance of hearing illicit music. 
 
 '*When the young Jup has at last chosen his tune, he and it 
 are at once registered, so that it may be easy to watch him in 
 future, and see that he never hears any tune but his own. A 
 great feast is next held, and then the Jup and his musical box 
 are escorted home. The crowd withdraws, and he is left for the 
 first time to hear and enjoy his tune. In well-ordered houses 
 the box stands on a side table, and pours forth its melody, the 
 walls of the room being well padded. Whenever the tune is 
 finished it begins again, and so on for the rest of the owner's 
 life. 
 
 **Many Jups get tired of the one tune. Those who have no 
 ear for music, or little sensibility, do not mind; but persons 
 of delicate ear and fine sensibility become distracted by the 
 eternal repetition of one tune, however beautiful it may be at 
 first. 
 
 * ' It would be a great mistake to suppose that the Jups are as 
 virtuous as they seem. On the contrary, the young, who are 
 supposed to have heard no tune at all, secretly frequent haunts 
 of illicit music kept by disreputable characters. Those who are 
 too timid or ignorant to seek such haunts excite their minds by 
 reading forbidden books and papers about music, or listening 
 to naughty stories about the Beethovens and Wagners of 
 Jupiter. 
 
 **In one division of the planet the people have become so tired 
 
The One Tune. 19 
 
 of always hearing one tune, that a law has been passed under 
 which any person can get a license to change his tune as often 
 as he pleases. But it is compulsory to stick to one at a time. 
 In that section a person will have one tune the whole of one 
 year, then another the whole of next year, and so on. But this 
 law has done little good. It was thought that the only reason 
 why anyone tired of his tune was that he had got the wrong 
 one, and that if only he could change until he got the right one, 
 he would then stick to that for life. But the result is different. 
 Every time a new tune is chosen it gives great pleasure for 
 a while, but sooner or later it gets as tiresome as the old one, 
 and another change is wanted. 
 
 ^^This deplorable state of things is causing the Jups the 
 gravest concern. They are passing severe laws to make each 
 one stick to his legal tune, and many societies of earnest per- 
 sons have been formed to grapple with the terrible evil of 
 discontent with one tune. I haa the privilege of attending one 
 of these gatherings. Nearly all the speakers agreed that the 
 only thing to do was to make public opinion and the law 
 stricter. The young must be entirely prevented from hearing 
 of music, and to bring this about it was recommended that a 
 bell should be rung every evening to bring the children in 
 before dark, and that all persons who circulated musical litera- 
 ture should be severely punished. As for grown-up persons, it 
 was thought that they should be compelled to stay at home, 
 instead of going to clubs and other wicked places where there 
 might be devices for hearing illicit music. All were exhorted 
 to pray without ceasing, and to wrestle with the dreadful sin 
 which was undermining the life of the planet. 
 
 * * After many such speeches had been made, I was introduced 
 
20 Up-to-Date-Fables. 
 
 as a visitor from another planet, and asked to give my views. 
 I made a few remarks, as follows: 
 
 ^ * ^ Instead of trying to advise you how to make each person 
 contented with one tune, I wish to say that perhaps the prevail- 
 ing discontent is not such a serious evil after all. In our planet 
 Earth we may all hear as many tunes as we like, and we find 
 that a variety of beautiful tunes softens the heart and broadens 
 the mind. Are you sure it is ever an evil thing to love the 
 beautiful ? Is it not strange that the greatest sin in your planet 
 is a sin of love? You kill each other in bloody wars, and cheat 
 and lie, and hate and oppress one another; but all these things 
 can be forgiven. " The one unpardonable sin is to love a beauti- 
 ful thing unlawfully. Would it not be well to get rid of some 
 of the hatred in your planet before you abolish any of the love? 
 
 ** *As for your theory that a person should love only one 
 tune, I cannot square it with the great law of nature that 
 variety is essential to health of body and mind. Every doctor 
 recommends a varied diet, and frequent change of air. We love 
 to change the scene from mountain to prairie, from inland to 
 the sea, from town to country. There is no place like home, 
 but we all like to leave it for a while, and we enjoy it more 
 when we return. Change of study refreshes the mind; 
 indeed, one of our great men of Earth, called Gladstone, said 
 that the best rest was to turn to a new subject. In all matters 
 except music every sane being will admit that there is no tonic 
 like change. Can we suppose that nature has given us one law 
 for music, and another law for everything else? 
 
 * * * It is not because you have a bad tune that you tire of it. 
 Nearly all tunes are good, but all become bad if played over 
 and over again without change. In fact, we know that the 
 sweetest things are the first to cloy. If only you vary your 
 
A Tale about Noses. 21 
 
 tunes enough, you will never tire of any; but each will be a 
 joy forever. 
 
 * * * In a word, there cannot be too much love of the beautiful. 
 I beseech you to hear and love every beautiful tune ' 
 
 ''At this point a howl of rage burst from all present, and 
 they rushed at me with one accord. But I vanished from their 
 sight, and returned to this planet." 
 
 A TALE ABOUT NOSES. 
 
 WAS so much pleased with the beautiful young 
 spirit who told me about the Jups, that I took 
 other opportunities of meeting and talking with 
 her. Here is a story she told me about an extra- 
 ordinary custom which exists in the asteroid 
 Ceres, one of the small planets between Mars and Jupiter. 
 
 In walking along the streets of Barleyopolis, the fashionable 
 capital of Ceres, one is struck by the difference in dress be- 
 tween the sexes. So far as the lower half of the body is 
 concerned, both sexes are dressed alike, in a very rational 
 attire of knickerbockers, stockings and shoes. But while the 
 upper half of the feminine body is clad in a costume which 
 follows the outlines of the form, and gives free play to the 
 head, arms, and hands, the men have to wear a loose and 
 shapeless bag which entirely covers their heads, shoulders, and 
 arms, and goes down to the middle of the fingers. This almost 
 deprives them of the use of half of their bodies, and the 
 inconvenience is made greater by the strict etiquette of the 
 planet, which compels them to keep their arms hanging plumb 
 by their sides, as by lifting the hands or arms they might 
 enable curious observers to see underneath the bag. 
 
22 Up-to-Date-Fables. 
 
 Extraordinary as this custom is, the explanation is stranger 
 still. In Ceres the highest virtues of women are such as we all 
 admire, truth, gentleness, sympathy, honesty. But in men these 
 virtues are comparatively unimportant, and the one supreme 
 and cardinal virtue of a Cerean man is that he should never 
 have had the tip of his nose touched by a woman. 
 
 A man with an untouched nose may be proud, arrogant, and 
 cruel, and yet be admired; but a man who is known to have 
 had the tip of his nose touched by a woman is sent to associate 
 with murderesses and burglaresses, and despised even by them. 
 Not only is he ruined himself, but his family share his disgrace. 
 
 It need hardly be said that this rule puts men at a disad- 
 vantage in every activity of life. In the first place, it deprives 
 them of the free use of the upper half of the body, which is 
 closely muffled in order that it may not make women think of 
 noses. It is said to be impossible to look at a wrist without 
 thinking of a nose, so the honor of a Cerean man demands the 
 sacrifice of his arms. Then a man cannot go anywhere without 
 a woman, or at least a little girl, to protect him. There is no 
 serious danger of a woman actually touching the tip of a 
 man's nose by force, but some little girl might shout out 
 insulting remarks about noses to an unprotected man, and even 
 such a humiliation as that is believed to sully the purity of a 
 man's reputation. An unaccompanied man might even be 
 affronted by some wicked woman offering to touch the tip of 
 his nose. To avoid such calamities, a female escort is thought 
 necessary, especially after dark; and it is a common thing to 
 see a giant of six feet walking along under the protection of a 
 little girl carrying a doll. 
 
 Of course the rule about noses greatly interferes with men in 
 the work of earning a living. It is thought that their sphere 
 
A Tale about Noses. 23 
 
 is the home, where their noses and characters will be safe, and 
 they can be kept under obserration. The women earn and 
 spend the money, while the men do the drudgery. Men are 
 also kept as ignorant as possible, for fear they should hear too 
 much about noses, and free intellectual discussion between the 
 sexes is much discouraged, as it might lead to a laxity of nasal 
 morals. 
 
 But the worst result of all is that the rule makes women 
 despise men. They do not say so, in general; on the contrary 
 they are always paying men fulsome compliments, and pre- 
 tending to regard them as wonders of beauty and perfection. 
 But go to a debate on equal suffrage between the sexes, and you 
 hear a different story. On these occasions women talk freely, 
 and assert that man's sphere is the home, especially as the 
 home has made him so ignorant that he is not fit for any other 
 sphere. But the real source of woman's contempt for man is 
 the double standard of morality. A free man always despises 
 a slave, and those who live without working despise those who 
 do all the work. Likewise people who are subject to the igno- 
 miny of not being able to do whatever they like with their own 
 bodies are secretly scorned by those who are not subject to so 
 disgraceful a disability. 
 
 It may be supposed that men are in constant revolt against 
 this enslaving rule. On the contrary, it is fanatically and 
 hysterically supported by men, and a woman who favors its 
 abolition is in danger of being cut by her men friends. Men 
 are always watching each other to see that no nose touching 
 goes on, and on the slightest suspicion a man will hasten to 
 try and ruin the character of his f ellowman. This utter want 
 of esprit de corps increases the contempt with which women 
 secretly regard men. 
 
24 Up-to-Date-Fables. 
 
 The modern spirit of unrest is felt in Ceres as elsewhere, and 
 some advanced men are beginning to chafe against the 
 restraints imposed on them. A dress reform movement has 
 been started, and some very bold men wear bags which come 
 down only to their elbows and leave their hands and wrists 
 free. Women greatly disapprove of this, however, not because 
 it suggests noses, but because it fails to do so. It is only 
 when the wrists and arms are covered up that their partial 
 uncovering suggests noses; and what women want is to have 
 noses suggested to them as strongly as possible, so long as it 
 is done decently and stealthily, without attracting public 
 attention. 
 
 Even the two standards of morality now appear shocking to 
 some men, and they are anxiously seeking a remedy. Hitherto, 
 however, the only one that they can imagine is that women 
 should also be ruined if they have the tips of their noses 
 touched by men. 
 
 But women have rejected such proposals with utter contempt. 
 They have seen too clearly what men have suffered from the 
 rule to submit to it themselves. **In vain is the net spread in 
 the sight of any bird." 
 
 Yet the spirit of Ceres remains agitated, and this is an 
 inventive age; so it may be that even the men of Ceres may 
 yet imagine some other way of becoming equal with women. 
 
THE WOMEN AND THE WELLS. 
 
 HE women of Dahomey are so brave and warlike 
 that the king's guard is composed of them. Yet 
 they are absurdly credulous and superstitious, as 
 the following historical facts show. 
 
 It happened once that a great plague broke 
 out in Dahomey, and the women were dreadfully afraid they 
 had committed some mortal sin. Some of their neighbors, 
 hearing of this, sent a false prophetess to them, who appeared 
 in the market-place and spoke as follows : 
 
 * ' Tremble, ye women of Dahomey, for ye have made the gods 
 angry. Ye have committed the deadly sin of drinking water 
 promiscuously, drawing it from one another's wells, and even 
 going down to the brook and taking it like horses and cows. 
 Have ye forgotten that it is the will of the gods that no woman 
 should drink water except out of the well on her own ground, 
 and that every woman should drink aU the water which comes 
 into her own well! ' ' 
 
 The women at once remembered the behest of the gods, al- 
 though in fact they had never heard of it before. Without 
 delay they passed a law forbidding any woman to drink water 
 except out of the well on her own ground, and compelling 
 every woman to drink up all the water which could be got out 
 of her own well. This was quickly followed by the disappear- 
 ance of the plague, for indeed the last patient was nearly con- 
 valescent when the prophetess appeared. 
 
 It needed all the superstition and fanaticism of the women to 
 enable them to live up to the new law, for owing to the lie of 
 the land the wells differed very much in their water supply. 
 Some were dry half the year, and had not water enough even in 
 the other half; so that their unhappy owners were constantly 
 
26 Up-to-Date-Fables. 
 
 tormented with thirst. Others more favorably situated had 
 far more water than was needed. As it was a fairly dry coun- 
 try, there were few wells which it was absolutely impossible for 
 the owners to drink up, although some actually died of over- 
 drinking. But in many cases the immense quantity of water 
 to be consumed became an intolerable burden, and women had 
 not only to work when awake, but had to wake up several times 
 every night, to drink water they did not want. 
 
 The worst of it was that the capacity of the owners bore no 
 relation to the capacity of the wells. Often a thin, delicate, 
 little woman had a well which kept her drinking like a German 
 student; while a big, fat woman, sweating at every pore, had 
 one which would give no water at all. Such misfits could not 
 be avoided, for a woman buying a piece of land was on no ac- 
 count permitted to examine the well. Indeed she was not al- 
 lowed even to mention the well, although she might say all she 
 pleased about the view and the soil. Occasionally it turned out 
 that no well at all could be found on the premises, or else that 
 the spring had run dry. Such disappointments had to be borne 
 with a good grace, though in many cases the sole object of the 
 purchase was to acquire a well. 
 
 The law was not always strictly observed, for women were 
 often so tormented with thirst that they had to steal water in 
 the dark from the better supplied wells. But strange to say 
 the owners did not eucourage them in this, for it had become a 
 point of honor for each woman to permit no other to have 
 water from her well. Even the most delicate and afflicted mar- 
 tyr to too much water would rather die of over- drinking what 
 she did not want than allow a thirsty neighbor to have a drop. 
 
 As a result of all this an intensely bitter feeling about water 
 became general among the Dahometan women. They ceased to 
 
The Women and the Wells. 27 
 
 look on it as a harmless and delicious beverage, and came to 
 consider it a necessary but hateful evil, and the source of all 
 human misery. Many a woman cursed her well. 
 
 This went on for generations, but in time the women became 
 less superstitious, and even the water question began to be se- 
 cretly talked about. At first every suggestion that there was 
 anything wrong with the water law was condemned as blasphe- 
 my, but the matter was so serious that discussion could not be 
 checked. One evening at twilight, when the women were all 
 gathered in the market-place, a member of the tribe broke the 
 silence and spoke thus : 
 
 *^ My friends, we Dahometan women are famous everywhere 
 for our valor, but I fear we shall never be respected for our 
 wisdom. Nearly all of us are miserable, and why? Because 
 half of us are dying of too much water, while the rest are 
 dying for want of that very water. There is just about enough 
 for everyone, if it were properly divided, but our idiotic rule of 
 ^ one woman, one well, ' has created a social problem where 
 there is none in nature. Let those who have too much share 
 with those who have too little ; then we shall all be happy. ' ^ 
 
 The speaker expected nothing else than to be immediately 
 stoned to death. But it was not so. Suffering had at last 
 triumphed even over superstition. The few who had exactly 
 the amount of water they wanted said that this was the best of 
 all possible worlds, and needed no change; some who had too 
 little spoke in an ascetic tone; but those who had more water 
 than they could endure declared that the time had gone past 
 for talking cant and humbug. The subject was discussed and 
 discussed; then action followed. Soon nobody had either too 
 much or too little water, and all agreed that water, when wisely 
 used, was the most innocent and delightful thing in the world. 
 
MES. GEUNDY^S TWO BOAEDING SCHOOLS. 
 
 NCE upon a time there was an energetic lady 
 called Mrs. Grundy, who kept two boarding 
 schools, the one for little boys and the other for 
 little girls. Mrs. Grundy had many merits, but 
 she had one quality that made all the little boys 
 and girls hate her. She could not bear that people should 
 enjoy themselves. She thought all pleasure was wicked, and 
 was always hovering round stair heads, or listening at key 
 holes, in order to make sure that none of the children were 
 having any fun. 
 
 The pleasure which more than all others shocked Mrs. Grun- 
 dy was that of eating jam. Having a sweet tooth herself, she 
 thought nothing else could be so dreadfully nice as that. So 
 she took the strongest measures to make sure that none of the 
 children should ever taste jam. Not only did she take care 
 never to give them any herself, she also told them that if they 
 ever ate jam they would go to the bad place. Moreover, she 
 made a rule that she should be informed at once if any boy or 
 girl was caught eating jam; and the bad child was to be put 
 
Mrs. Grundy's Two Boarding Schools. 29 
 
 in a corner in disgrace, and held up to the scorn of the whole 
 school. 
 
 The rule was the same for both schools, but its reception was 
 very different. The boys considered it a glorious joke. They 
 spent half their time scheming how to get jam on the sly. 
 When Mrs. Grundy was not looking, they ran and stole her jam. 
 At nights they got out of the dormitory windows, and went to 
 town for jam. Of course no boy ever told on any of the 
 others; on the contrary they concealed everything, and told 
 many a fib to protect one another. Sometimes a boy was 
 caught, and put in a corner in disgrace. But instead of look- 
 ing down on him the other boys made him a hero, and sniggered 
 and exchanged telegraphic signs whenever Mrs. Grundy ^s back 
 was turned. The whole thing became such a farce that Mrs. 
 Grundy decided the boys were incorrigible, and gave up the jam 
 question as hopeless, so far as they were concerned. 
 
 With the girls it was quite otherwise. They took for gospel 
 truth all Mrs. Grundy said, and really believed that eating jam 
 was a very wicked and dreadful thing. They thought nothing 
 was so noble as to watch one another day and night, to see 
 that no jam was eaten; and the proudest day of a girl's life 
 was when she could run to Mrs. Grundy and tell how she had 
 caught one of the others eating jam. When a girl was caught, 
 she was put in a corner, and treated with such disdain and con- 
 tempt by all the other girls that she usually ran away from 
 school because she could not bear it. In fact, the girls were so 
 anxious to catch each other eating jam that they often made 
 unjust accusations, and some girls were punished for eating 
 jam who had not had any. The slightest suspicion was enough, 
 for the girls all believed eating jam was such a delightful 
 thing that envy and jealousy made each one think all the rest 
 
30 Up-to-Date-Fables. 
 
 were having a good time except herself. Eeally, however, each 
 girl W8.S so closely watched, and so afraid of the rest, that very 
 few managed to get any jam. 
 
 Some may suppose that Mrs. Grundy was much prouder of 
 her good girls than of her bad boys. Quite the reverse. She 
 was always boasting of her boys, but spoke of her girls only 
 with contempt. She said the boys were spirited, but the girls 
 were poor sneaking creatures. In private she often admitted 
 that the jam rule was suitable only for girls, and said she 
 did not object to the boys having jam if it were not too openly 
 licensed. At last it became well understood that only girls 
 were forbidden jam, although the rule read the same for both 
 gchools. 
 
 Children, which would you rather be like, Mrs. Grundy's bad 
 little boys or her good little girls? 
 
 THE EMANCIPATED HORSES. 
 
 HE outlying parts of Russia are remarkable for all 
 kinds of humane movements. It is not generally 
 known, however, that there is a community in 
 Siberia in which horses have for many years had 
 equal rights with men. This reform now works 
 splendidly, but at first it led to some amazing exhibitions of 
 folly. Perhaps the worst was the formation of the Equine 
 Union, to regulate the relations between men and horses. 
 
 The object of the Equine Union was to guarantee support for 
 life to every horse. As the numbers of men and horses were 
 about equal, it thought to gain its end by making the follow- 
 ing rules: 
 
 »l BkS^S 
 
The Emancipated Horses. 31 
 
 1. That each horse should be allowed to be ridden only by one 
 particular man, and that each man should be restricted to one 
 particular horse. 
 
 2. That no man should be allowed to ride a horse, without 
 first undertaking to maintain it for life. 
 
 Any horse which broke these rules was to be an outcast from 
 equinity, and no other horse was to have anything to do with it. 
 
 Unfortunately, the rules of the Equine Union led to a very 
 different result from the one anticipated. In the first place, 
 many men said they would not have a horse on such terms, 
 and would rather walk. That led at once to a glut of horses, 
 and severe competition for employment. Many horses were re- 
 duced to great straits, and some broke away from the Union 
 rules rather than be left out in the cold. They were promptly 
 cast out from equinity, but that did not mend matters, but 
 only made them desperate. They hired themselves out very 
 cheaply to men, and the rule about life maintenance soon be- 
 came more honored in the breach than the observance. Never, 
 in fact, had horse flesh been so cheap. 
 
 All this was very hard on the strict-minded horses, who would 
 not disobey the Union rules. For many of them there was no 
 demand whatever, and the equus intactus, or horse which had 
 never been ridden, soon became a familiar figure in equinity. 
 To make things worse, the equus intactus, although immensely 
 admired when young, entirely lost respect in middle life and 
 old age, and was actually laughed at for his intact condition. 
 
 As for the horses that got life maintenance, many even of 
 them were not satisfied. Some complained that they had cruel 
 riders, who wounded them with whip and spur, and they began 
 to envy their luckier neighbors, and to think that the life. 
 
32 Up-to-date-Fables. 
 
 maintenance rule was a piece of humbug. Altogether there 
 was much unrest and loud murmuring throughout equinity. 
 
 A great meeting of horses was held to consider the situation. 
 The first speaker was a black race-horse called the *'Duke of 
 Somerset/' who declared that the life maintenance rule was 
 the foundation of all equine welfare, but unfortunately it had 
 not been enforced with sufficient rigor. What was needed 
 was a more vigorous casting out of scabs, and these ought to be 
 not only cast out, but also punished by law. This speech was 
 received with enthusiastic neighing. 
 
 The opposite opinion, however, was advocated with great 
 vigor by a chestnut mare, called the ^'Lily of Chicago." She 
 maintained that the Union rules had led only to results dia- 
 metrically opposed to those aimed at. Even in the old days of 
 slavery, she said, when men rode horses without their consent, 
 nearly every horse could live, and most were fairly happy. 
 Even in those days most owners maintained their horses well 
 both in youth and old age, without any union at all. The Union 
 rules, instead of removing any evil, had only created evils pre- 
 viously unknown. Consequently, the best plan was at once to 
 abolish the rules and dissolve the Equine Union. 
 
 This speech raised an extraordinary commotion, snorting 
 and angry neighing being heard on every side. When the re- 
 port of it got abroad, all equinity was scandalized, and the 
 **Lily of Chicago" was shut up in a stable for six months. 
 Nevertheless, her advice was eventually followed, and ever 
 since then the horses of that part of Siberia have been supplied 
 with all comforts, and have not lacked employment. 
 
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