/" Kb^^^ TH[ MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE JN5735 [Copy 1 HiMY L. NEWTON'S One-Act Comedy Sketches, Monologues and Dramatic Episodes 4 'H ACTOR AND THE JANITOR, THE A Comic Novelty Act CASEY THE INVENTOR A Vaudeville Comic CHATTE Monologue for Males COLLEGE CHUMS. THE A Comedy Incident DOWN IN PARADISE ALLEY Comedy Sketch FAMILY SECRET Monologue GIVE THE WOMEN A CHANCE A Suffragette Monologue IMMIGRANT INSPECTOR A Comedy Talkfest IN A CABARET Comedy Crossfire INVITATION TO THE BALL Comedy Sketch IZZY'S VACATION A Summer Episode JACK AND HIS QUEEN, A A Comedietta KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL Comedy Sketch MEET MY WIFE A Comedy Drama MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE, THE A Comedy Domestic Upheaval PAIR OF PANTS. A Talking Act ROSE OF MEXICO, A A Drama SALLIE AND SAMMIE A Comedy Skit SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD. THE Comedy TWO GIRLS AND HIM Comedy Sketch WHAT EVERY WOMAN THINKS SHE KNOWS Suffragette Monologue Price, 25 Cents Each M, WITMARK & SONS Witmark Building, \U-H6 West 37th Street, New York FRANK DUMONT'S FAMOUS PLAYS "A TRAMP AMONG CRANKS," Or PERPETUAL MOTION. Sketch for 6 males. By Frank Dumont. A laughable experience in a sanitarium of "eccentric" inventors. Contains an excellent low comedy part. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. *'TWO WOMEN AND ONE MAN." Sketch for two females. By Frank Dumont. CAST OF CHARACTERS. Bella Sanders, | Estelle Williams, ) .....College Chums Two schoolmates meet, not having seen each other since leaving college. The talk over old times is very amusing. Naturally, they talk over the good and bad points of other mates, although neither believed in "running down" their neighbors. While in college they had agreed never to marry without consulting the other, but time changes matters and they both fall in love with the same man. Nothing could bring discord to these two loyal friends — but — the man — makes a change, and, womanlike, they abuse each other with the tongue. It turns out that the man marries one of their despised mates, so nothing is left but to console each other by ridiculing the man's choice. Excellent sketch for two ladies. Can be done in white or black face. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD." A Modern Musical Burlesque. By Frank Dumont. Five Males — Two Females. There are many burlesques on "Little Red Riding Hood." Mr. Dumont, however, has really outdone all others on this occasion. Ours is an unusual production. We have incorporated all the musical numbers in the book of the play, including the dramatic or cue music. Any musical society can handle this version. Contains excellent speaking parts and abounds in good comedy lines and music. Price, 50 cents, postpaid. With complete piano score of original vocal and incidental numbers. We also rent manuscript arrangements for orchestra when desired. M. WITMARK & SONS 87 Witmark Bldg. New York POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE A COMEDY DOMESTIC UPHEAVAI* In One Act By HARRY Iv. NKWTON Copyright MCMXIV by AT. Witmark df Sons International copyright secured Published by M. WITMARK & SONS Witmark Building, New York CHICAGO LONDON -^ J^ \ THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT . BEFORE. Note.- — The acting rights of this Farce are ex- pressly reserved by the Publishers, to whom Theatrical Managers, ivho wish to produce it, can apply. Amateur representation may be made zvithout such application and ivith- out charge. ©CLD 38034 SEP -2 1914 CHARACTERS. Josh Slinger — A Convivial Young Husband. Broadway Walker — A Chance Acquaintance. Mrs. Slinger — A Trusting Young Wife. James — A Butler. Time — The Cold Gray Dawn. Place — Drawing Room of the Slinger Residence. Time of playing — Twenty Minutes. COSTUMES. Josh Slinger — Business suit. Broadway W^vlker — About 40- years of age. White powdered hair and smoothly shaven face. Wears frock coat and light trousers. Mrs. Slinger^ — Young, pretty and emotional, Wears a pretty morning gown. James— A typical English butler, using Cockney dialect. DIAGRAM OF STAGE. D.R.C. CO. bLC HUE. ' fj.z.eJ J I ^ l-.2.g . V AUDIE,NCE. L. I E. — Left first entrance. R. I E. — Right first entrance. L. U. E. — Left upper entrance. C. — Centre of stage. R. C. — Right centre of stage. L. C, — Left centre of stage. C. D. — Centre door. D. R. C. — Door right centre. D. L. C. — Door left centre. THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE A Comedy Domestic Upheaval in 1 Act. By Harry L. Newton. DESCRIPTION OF STAGE SETTING. Drawing room, boxed in "three," with doors. Center, Right and Left. There are heavy curtains hanging on center door. The entire setting to be as elaborate as circumstances will permit. A large couch (or davenport) is an essential part of set- ting, also about a dozen sofa pillows. At back, R of C, is a cabaret table containing filled decanter, glasses and bottle of charged water. At R, opposite door, is a large library table. Other furniture ad lib. [Scene — A drawing room. See description of stage setting. Lights are dim at rise, as it is sup- 6 The Morning After the Night Before posed to be early morning. Discovered. Slinger and Walker. The former is stretched on library table, asleep, the latter is asleep on couch, with head hanging almost to floor and both feet elevated as high ;is possible. The apartment presents a disordered appearance, with articles of clothing scattered about. One hat and a shoe are hanging on a chandelier, another shoe is on the cabaret table, while a vest and a collar adorn a piece of statuary. Seyeral seconds elapse atier rise of cur- tain before action, then Walker snores loudly. Slinger stirs uneasily at sound, then turns over on table in an effort to gain a more comfortable posi- tion. Walker again snores, making a sound at fin- ish like the honk-honk of an auto horn.] Slinger (Droicsily) — Don't toot your horn at me. I've got as much right to this street as you have. [A few seconds again elapse, Walker snores and hnishes with a loud, long-drawn out whistle. Slinger slowly raises Jiead and gazes sleepily about him, yawns, sits up, stretches and yawns again. Suddenly he discovers Walker, rubs eyes and stares in amazement at him. He slowly gets up, drags himself oflf table, showing effects of a night's dissipation, and with eyes on Walker, backs to cabaret table, seizes decanter, pours out and takes a drink or two, still eyeing Walker. He stares at him for an instant then pushes button on wall for butler, goes to Center Door and pulls curtains The Morning After the Night Before 7 apart. Lights full on. He again eyes Walker, walks close to him and gazes curiously down at him.] Slinger — W^ell, for the love of cauliflower ! I wonder where THAT came from, WHAT it is and how IT got here! [Scratches head in puzzled manner.) [Enter James, C. D.] James — Did you ring, sir? Slinger {Whirling about, facing Ja>ies) — Did I ? Oh, yes ; of course I ringed — I mean, rung. James, com.e here. (James goes to him.) James if I ask you something, will you give me a careful answer ? James — Hi'll try, sir. SLiNGER^That's fair enough. James, do you see something on that couch there? {Points a' Walker. ) James (Looks first at Slinger and then at Walker; puzzled) — Yes, sir; thank you, sir. Slinger — Don't thank me. It don't belong to me. James — Yes, sir; thank you, sir! Slinger — James, what's it look like to you? James — A man, sir; asleep, sir. Slinger {With a sigh of relief) — Thanks, James. I'm glad you see the same as I thought I saw. Friend of yours? James (Astonished) — No, sir. If you hask me sir, I s'lould say has 'ow 'e was a friend of yours, sir ; thank you, sir. 8 The Morning After the Night Before Slinger (Astounded) — \Miat ! Friend of mine? I never saw him before in all my life. James (Meekly) — Thank you, sir. Slinger (Peevishly) — Stop it; don't thank me every breath you take. (Looks at \\^\lker) — Strange ! I can't account for him at all. James (Apologetically) — If you hask me, sir, I fawncy 'e's the gentleman — ahem ! that 'elped me carry you inside the 'ouse. lawst night, sir. Slinger— (Staggered) — He — he helped you carry me — he helped you — (Stops, at a loss for zvords.) James— 'E did, sir; thank you, sir. Slinger — (Severely) — James, what was the matter with me that I had to be carried into the house? James (Nervously) — Hif you hask me, sir, you were somewhat the worse for liquor, sir. Slinger — (Puts a hand to his head, walks un- steadily to cabaret table, pours a drink and gulps it down.) James, that is a direct insult to my well known capacity. I must have been poisoned — not drunk. (Sets glass down, looks nerz'onsly about; cautious tone.) James, does my wife — did my wife see me come in ? James — No sir; thank you, sir. Slinger — (Sighs in relief.) Well, that's one "thank you" I'm thankful for. (Sits on edge of chair.) What time was it, James, when I — when I was carried in last night? The Morning After the Night Before James — Two o'clock, sir. Slinger — {Refleciively) — Um ! Was my — did Mrs. Slinger appear to be at all worried, James? James — {Cheerfully) — Ho no, sir. You phoned her, sir. Slinger— (A^^ar/y falling ojf chair — astounded) —I did WHAT? James — You phoned her, sir, has to what was a detainin' of you, sir. Slinger — (Stares in dismay at James an instant) — And what did I say was detaining me? James — Hi don't know, sir. Slinger — (Groans dismally) — Oh, Lord! I'm a bright young man, I am. (Buries face in both hands; groans again.) James — (Sympathetically) — What's the matter, sir? Slinger — (Lifts head and glares at JAxMes) — Matter? Say, "Mutt" is my middle name. I don't know what excuse I made to my wife over the phone. I remember I had three or four dandy ex- cuses, but I don't remember which one I used. (Groans) — And now I'm sure to hand the wrong one to her. James — Yes, sir ; th.ank you, sir ! Slinger — (Angrily jumps to feet, grabs a book off table and hurls it at James) — Get out, you half portion of a man ! Go ! James — (Dodging book) — Yes, sir; thank you, 3ir. (Exit, haughty manner, C. D.) 10 The Morning After the Night Before Slinger — {Sinking abjectedly on chair and staling curiously at Walker. Moodily) — The only vvay 1 see is to kill that man. "Dead men tell no tales." If that fellow speaks, I can see my trunk on an express wagon, headed for some cozy bachelor apartment. {Springs to his feet, crosses to Walker; dramatically) — Now then, to know the worst! {Slaps Walker violently on shoulder in an attempt to aivaken him. Walker merely grunts and tries to turn over) — Here you, wake up! {Shakes his vigorously) . \\ alker — {Rising slowly to a sitting posture; stupidly) — Eh? What's the idea? {Stares stupidly about). Slinger — That's exactly what I'd like to know. And please don't be long in the telling of it, either. {Sits on edge of a chair ^gazing sternly at Walker.) \\alker—{ Sit ting on edge of couch, elbows on knees and chin in hands) — My boy, you look some peeved. {Grins broadly.) Slinger — {Fretfully) — Don't call me "my boy." Who are you, and never mind how I look. Walker— {Good naturcdly) — Say. why this sudden change? Last night you were embracing me like a love-sick Romeo, and calling me the best friend you ever had. And now — Say, old top ; I could talk better if T had a drop of red liquor. Slinger — {Indicating cabaret table) — Go to it. It's always customary to allow the condemned whatever they ask for before they are executed. The Morning After the Night Before 11 Walker — {Jumps to feet — shocked) — Hey? Condemned? Executed? I don't get you. Slinger — It merely means that I am going to kill you. Maybe you have an aUbi, but I doubt it. {Surveys Walker suspiciously) — You're a guilty looking wretch, all right. Walker — {At cabaret table, pours drink, gulps it down, turns and grins at Slinger) — What's the charge, judge? Slinger — You enticed me from my seat on the water wagon, and kept me away from a fond and loving wife the larger part of last night. Walker — (Stares at Slinger in amazement then bursts into a loud and prolonged laugh; finally con- trols himself.) Say, that's good. Great! / en- ticed you ! / kept you from a fond and loving wife ! / did! {Laughs loudly again.) Slinger — {Nervously) — Shut up! My wife'll hear you ! Walker — {Gulps down another drink, crosses to couch and sits) — My boy, let me tell you some- thing. When I hooked up with you last night, the 4 water wagon you speak of was some miles up the road from you. Slinger — {Surprised) — Hey? How do you know? Walker — Say, when a chap has both arms around a lamp post, is looking up at the light and yelling: "Come on down and let me in; I know you're home ; there's a light in the window." 12 The Morning After the Night Before (Lang lis) — That's good evidence. Slinger — (Aived) — Gosh! Was I that bad? Walker — You were — only more so. Slinger — And then you came along? Walker — I did. \Nt were alone together, you and I. Alone together like a couple of ship wrecked sailors, with water, water everywhere but not a drop of liquor to drink. You told me your name and I told you mine, or as much of it as I could remember, and you swore we'd be comrades. Don't you remember? Slinger — {With hands to head; wearily) — I don't remember. I can't think. {Suddenly) — Didn't I say anything about my wife? Her waiting at home for me? Walker — {Shakes head) — Not a blessed thing, old top. In fact, you told me that you didn't have a friend in the world except me — not even a wife. Slinger {Dismally) — Oh, but I must have been awful ! Walker — Then you have a wife? Slinger {Peevishly) — Of course, I have, con- found you ! Walker — Well, don't get sore at me. I can't help it. Slinger — Now see here — Say, what the deuce is your name, anyhow? Walker — Broadway Walker. What's yours? Slinger — Josh Slinger. {They rise and sol- emnly shake hands, then sit again) — Mr. Walker, The Morning After the Night Before 13 I'm in something of a pickle. I've got to square myself with the missus. She must never know where I was last night. Walker — Don't worry ; she won't. Slinger — How do you know she won't? Walker — Because you don't know where you were yourself. (Grins.) Slinger (Groans dismally) — That's right, I don't. (Quickly) — But you might tell her. Walker — Not a chance in the world, brother. The last I remember was getting into a taxi and hearing you tell the chaufifeur to stop when we got to Philadelphia. (Laughs.) Slinger (Sulkily) — I don't see a thing to laugh at. Besides, you helped carry me into the house. You must have known more than I did. Walker (Cheerfully) — Oh, cheer up and shake the grouch ! Slinger — Easy for you to say. You've no wife to face. Walker — If you'd have been wise, you'd have phoned her last night — Slinger (Interrupting fiercely)— You mutt! I did phone her. That's where I made my awful mistake. I phoned her an excuse, but I'll be hanged if I can remember what the excuse was now. Walker bursts into a loud laugh, but is suddenly silenced by the voice of Mrs. Slinger off R., at zvhich Slinger exhibits signs of consternation. Mrs. Slinger (Off R.) — Never mind, James. I'll find him. 14 The Morning After the Night Before Slinger (Springs to feet and gazes about, frightened) — My wife! (To Walker) — Here's where we've got to display some inside quick think- ing. You've got to hide your ugly face and form. (Grabs \\^alker_, hustles him about the room, seek- ing a hiding place, finally rushes him back to couch and throws him onto it) — Lie there. Lie quiet while I cover you with pillows. (Begins to pile sofa pillozi's on top of Walker.) Walker (Thrusting out his face) — Lll lie here while you lie to your wife. Ha, ha ! A joke. Slinger (Soaking A\^\lker with pillozv) — Shut up before I kill you! (Rushes about room, picking up the different articles of clothing, hurriedly at- tenipting to get into them, but too excited to ac- complish anything, drops things promiscuously all about ; finally grabs up a hat, puts it on head, picks up a book and drops into a chair, apparently im- mersed in reading just as Mrs. Slinger appears in C. D.). Mrs. S. (Gazing scornfully at him an instant. Sarcastically) — Good morning, dear! Slinger (Looks over top of book and forces a smile)— Ah, good morning, darling! Mrs. S. (Advancing to him) — And what is the idea of absorbing literature so early in the morn- ing? (Walker uncoz'ers face and grins maliciously.) Slinger (Uneasily) — Oh, yes, to be sure. The • — the book I'm reading, you mean. It's a new idea, The Morning After the Night Before 15 my dear. Freshen the hrain for the day's work by giving it a gentle morning's tonic by the — the perusal of a good book. (Smiles.) Walker (Aside) — Gee, he's off to a good start all right. Mrs. S. (Looks at pages of book) That is a good idea — splendid ! z^nd your brain should be greatly freshened, especially when you read upside down. Slinger (Starts guiltily, then quickly reverses book. Confusedly) — I'm — I'm practicing the art of reading upside down. It's — it's a great sport. (Smiles feebly.) Mrs. S. (Sarcastically) — It certainly must be. (Scans him from head to foot) — It must be, in- deed ; particularly when you are attired in the man- ner in which you are at present. Walker makes a comedy facial grimace and al- most chokes with suppressed merriment. Slinger throws the book at him and Walker quickly con- ceals his head just as Mrs. S. zvhirls suspiciously about, facing couch. Slinger (Soothingly)— My dear, I — Mrs. S. (Whirling and facing him) — Don't you dare "my dear" me! I am in no mood to be ad- dressed in sarcastic endearing terms. \\ hat I want is an accounting of your last night's whereabouts. Slinger (Meekly) — Yes, my dear. (Confused) — You — you see, my — Mrs. Slinger (Sternly) — Yes, proceed; I am 16 The Morning After the Night Before waiting. (Glares indignantly at him, one foot tapping floor in impatient manner.) Slinger {Nervously clears throat and glances uneasily about) — Yes, yes, of course, my dear. Nothing I should like better. But won't you be seated. I can feel that it's going to take some time to square — to recount my last night's adventures. {She turns to couch and is about to sit on it, zvhen he springs to his feet in alarm) — No, no; not on that ; not on that ; take a chair, my dear. Mrs. S. {Suspiciously looking first at couch then at him) — Your nerves are decidedly unstrung this morning. I shall sit where I please. {Flops down on couch. Walker frees his face and makes painful grimace) — Now then. Mister Slinger. I am waiting. Slinger {Attempting an ease he does not feel) — You see, my dear — {stops speech suddenly) — Say, didn't I tell you all about it last night when I phoned you? Mrs. S. {Coldly) — You can hardly expect me to believe the story you told me over the phone, do you? Slinger {Confusedly) — 1 — I — told you — you — nothing but the truth. I told you — {hesitates) — told you — Mrs. S. {Interrupts) — You told me that you were playing golf with the King of England and the Emperor of Germany. (Walker smothers an outbreak of laughter by stuffing part of a pillow The Morning After the Night Before 17 in his mouth.) Slinger (With a sickly smile) — Did I — did I tell you that? Mrs. S. (Coldly) — You told me just that. Slinger — My dear, there must have been some mistake. (Shakes a fist at Walker.) Mrs. S.— Undoubtedly. Slinger — Of course there was a mistake. I am not on speaking terms with either the King of Eng- land or Emperor of Germany, and certainly not on golf terms either. Mrs. S. (Sarcastically) — How strange! Slinger — Oh, you needn't look at me that way. Now if you want the wholesome truth and noth- ing but the truth, here it is : I went to the ball game yesterday afternoon. Mrs. S. (Surprised) — Ball game? Slinger — Yes, the ball game. The game went into extra innings. In fact, it was the longest game I ever attended. They played all night. Mrs. S. (Suspiciously) — And what was the score? of daylight. (He smiles in triumph. Walker al- most explodes with suppressed laughter.) Mrs. S. (Grimly) — And you expect me to be- lieve that^ do you? (Sarcastically quoting) — "The game was called on account of daylight !'' Come now ; do you expect me to believe that ? Slinger (Suddenly) — Well, that's my story, and I mean to stick to it. 18 The Morning After the Night Before Walker (Aside) — Oh, he's a pippin! Mrs. S. (Rises, goes to him and places both hands on his shoulders. Pleadingly) — Josh, dear ; why don't you be fair with me ? Tell me the truth. Don't be afraid — be a man! (Almost in tears.) Slinger (Encircles her waist with an arm) — I will speak the truth, my darling. I have absolutely nothing to conceal — nothing of which to be afraid. (Walker raises head and stares at Slinger in surprise and the latter shakes a warning fist at him over Mrs. S's shoulder) — If you must know, I — I went fishing. Walker (Aside) — Fishing! Oh, Lord! (Drops hack on couch.) Mrs. S. (Drawing away from him in surprise) — You went fishing? Slinger (Cheerfully) — Yes, darling; fishing. Mrs. S. (Brightly) — And what did you catch? Slinger — I said I went fishing, not catching. Mrs. S. (Doubtfidly) — Well, what were you fishing for? Slinger (Glances helplessly about, then is seized with a sudden inspiration) — Why, why, — I — Oh, yes; oysters. (Grins at her.) Mrs. S. — Oysters ! And how do you fish for oysters? (Walker is highly interested.) Slinger — With an oyster cracker, of course. (Walker is convulsed.) Mrs. S. (Looks indignantly at him and then The Morning After the Night Before 19 makes as if to leave the room. Sohbingly) — Oh, it's no use ! I am disgusted with you and wish to hear no more of your ill-timed fiction. {At C. D. chokes sohbingly, zvipes eyes zvith hankerchief.) Slinger (Pleadingly) — Oh, say; don't go. (She turns) — rU give it to you on the level this time. Honest ! Mrs. S. (Comes back, smiling through her tears) — Oh, Josh^ I do so want to believe in you and trust you. Where were you last night? (Walker is again highly interested.) Slinger — I went fishing — Mrs. S. (Drawing back) — Oh, Josh! Fishing again ! ( Turns as if to leave. ) Slinger — Wait a moment, darling ; please don't condemn m.e unheard. I've tried to keep this from you, but it is impossible. I must speak! (Hesi- tates, while she gazes fearfully and tearfully at him) — I — I know how tender hearted you are, and I dreaded to think of telling you of my exploits in catching those dear little tish on a great cruel hook. Can't you understand, my darling? Pic- ture those sweet, dear little fish ; picture that great big cruel hook! (Covers eyes with both hands in apparent horror) — Oh, that I might forget the look of awful agony on their innocent faces ! ( Uncov- ers face and winks slyly at Walker.) Mrs. S. (Half sobbingly and throiving arms about him)— Oh, you old darling! How kind and thoughtful you are, and how cruel and thoughtless 20 The Morning After the Night Before I have been. (Slinger, oz'cr her shoulder, again winks at Walker.) Walker {Aside) — Isn't be the great little liar? Slinger (Pushes her from him, holds her at arm's length; ivith mock severity) — And you! You doubted me! Oh, that a wife of mine could ever doubt a good, noble husband like me ! Why, I am the best 'husband you ever had ! Mrs. S. (Sobbingly) — Yes, yes, I know, dear. Forgive me — please forgive me ! It's — it's all my fault. Your only thought was to spare my feelings, (Falls on her knees, pleadingly) — See, on my knees I ask your forgiveness ! Slinger (Dramatically) — Rise, woman, rise! (Winks at Walker) — You are forgiven. (Holds out his arms to her.) Mrs. S. (Springs into his embrace with a glad cry) — Oh^ Josh; I'm so glad! (They embrace. Walker pounds a pillow with glee.). Slinger (Gently releasing himself) — And now, dearie; what say you to breakfast? I'm hungry as a bear. Mrs. S. (Brightly) — Of course, dear. How stupid of me. I'll go at once and see to it with my own hands. (Starts for door, C, then stops half way; suddenly) — Oh, I have it. I'll fry some of those fish you caught last night. (Smiles brightly at him. Walker is convulsed.) Slinger (Dumfounded ; staggers weakly back- The Morning After the Night Before 21 ward, groping blindly for the support of a friendly chair;' finally strikes a chair and totters feebly into it. Gaspingly) — You — you — you'll fry some fish! (Stares in dismay at her.) Mrs. S. (Smiling szveetly) — Of course. Oh, it won't be a bit of trouble. I'd just love it. Slinger (Floundering helplessly) — The — the fish I caught — they are not used to being fried. (Walker chokes.) Mrs. S. ( Coaxingly) — Oh, come now; don't feel that way. I can fry them so they'll fairly melt in your mouth. Now no more objections. I know what my little hubby likes. You shall have those fish fried in butter, and with my own hands. James appears in CD. James (Apologetically) — Excuse me, ma'am; but shall I be a-servin' of the breakfast now ? Mrs. S. (To James) — Yes, James; but not un- til I have prepared those fish. Come. You must show me where they are. (Smiles brightly at Slinger, turns and exit, C. D., followed by the surprised James. Slinger gazes after her in comic dismay. ) Walker (Throzcs off pillozi's and sits up on edge of conch) — A\ hew ! Oh, Josh we're going to have fried fish for breakfast! (Gives way to uncon- trolled laughter.) Slinger (Savagely) — Say, you mutt! Cut that out! What's so funny? Walker (Quoting Mrs. S.) — -'T know what my 22 The Morning Ap'ter the Night Before little hubby likes. You shall have those hsh fried in butter, and -with my own hands." Ha, ha, ha! {Laughs loudly.) Slinger {Springs to his feet, crosses with a rush to \\\\LKER and cuffs him savagely) Shut up! You got me into this mess, now you've got to get me out of it. Think, man — I know it must hurt you to do it, but try anyhow — think of some way out of this. Think ! Walker (Rocking back and forth in his merri- ment) — Oh, Josh, Ho, ho, ho! Little fish, sei*ved in butter. Melt in mouth. Slinger {Suddenly) — I've got it? Hooray! {Dances zcildly about) — I've got it. Quick! You run down to the corner and buy a couple of dol- lars worth of fish. That's the merry idea! Great, eh? Hurry, now! {Jerks Walker to his feet and shoves him towards the door, C.) Walker {At door) — Say, wait a minute. I'm not dressed for the street. I'll get pinched instead of fish. Slinger — Never mind your clothes ; get fish — that's all. Walker — What kind of fish shall I get? Slinger {Shoving him out) — Any kind, you rummie. Just hurry — that's all; hurry! {Shoves Walker out of door and off L. Runs to cabaret table, pours drink and gulps it down, sighing with deep satisfaction) — Whew! What a relief! {Starts to pour another drink.) The Morning After the Night Before 23 Enter Mrs. S., C. D. She wears an apron and her sleeves are rolled up to her elbozvs. Mrs. S. — Where did you tell me those fish were, dear? I don't seem to find them. Slinger (Whirls about to face her, upsets de- canter and knocks glass to floor.) Fish! Did you say fish? Mrs. S. {Surprised) — Yes — fish! Why are you so excited ? Slinger (Confusedly) — I'm — I'm not excited. I was — was merely wondering what fish you were referring to. You know, there are so many fishes. Mrs. S. (Suspiciously) — I believe you are try- ing to evade the issue. I want those fish you caught last night. Slinger — Yes, yes ; to be sure you do. To be sure. The fish I caught last night. (Brightly, stalling for time) — You know, my dear, when you came in and said fish, I thought you — I thought — Mrs. S. — Yes; what did you think? Slinger (Hesitating ; then suddenly) — It was a tie. The game finally had to be called on account Slinger — I thought perhaps you were referring to our next door neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Fish. (Laughs feebly.) Mrs. S. (Severely) — You well know the fish I meant. Slinger — Honest, I don't. You see, one meets so many people — Mrs. S.- — I'm talking about fish — not people. Slinger — Oh, now I get you. You mean fish. 24 The Morning After the Night BEFORii {Laughs) — By Jove, I don't blame you for being provoked at me. Fish, fish, of course. Mrs. S. — \\\\\ you please tell me where you put them? Slinger — Of course I will, my dear. You see, last night, when I came home, this morning, I said to myself : "Now, Josh, it will never do to bring these fish into the house. My darling wife might come in sudden contact with them, and the shock might prove fatal." — Mrs. S. {Interrupting, scornfully') — Shock prove fatal to me? Slinger — No, no ; to the fish, my dear. So I didn't bring them in. I left them with a friend of mine, and he promised to have them here early this morning. Now you have it. Mrs. S. {Suspiciously) — There's something de- cidedly off color about this entire affair. Slinger {Grieved tone) — There you go again — doubting your only true and lawful husband. {Goes to C. D. and looks anxiously off L.) \^ery well. T shall soon prove to you Mrs. Slinger, that your accusations are entirely without foundation. {Tri- umphantly) — Aha! Here he comes now. Enter Walker, C. D. He carries a market bas- ket, in which are several cans of lobsters and sal- mon; over the basket is a white cloth. He hands basket to Slinger. \\'Alker — There you are. Josh. Got here soon's I could. {Breathing hard.) Slinger- — Thanks, old chap. {Aside to him) — What kind you get? The Morning After the Night Before 25 Walker (Aside to him)— Don t know. Told the man to chuck in the first fish he got his hands on. Slinger {Handing basket to Mr.s. S. Proudly) — There you are, my dear ; there are the fish. And I do hope that this will teach you a lesson never to doubt my word a^ain. (Jabs a thumb into Walker^s ribs. They shake hands in triumph.) Mrs. S. (Sets basket on cabaret table, lifts cloth and peers at contents; starts with surprise) — What kind of fish did you say you caught, dear? Slinger {Drops \\'alker's hand; nervously) — W^hy — there were different kinds, my dear ; There were — [Looks at \\"alker for assistance.) Walker (Pojnpously)—Ba.ss, perch, sunfish — Slinger (Very pompously) — To be sure. Bass, perch, sunfish. Mrs. S. (Lifting out a can and reading label aloud:) — "Best Brand Baltimore Lobsters." (Takes out another can and reads label) — "Superior Canned Salem Salmon." She turns and faces them suddenly^ holding a can on high in each hand. Slinger staggers backward and faints in Walker^s arms. CURTAIN PLAYS— SKETCHES AND MONOLOGUES *'THE HABITAT'S REVENGE." A Play in One Act. For 2 Males. By Gordon Rogers. A Canadian-French trapper, while recalling how he and his daughter were wronged by a stranger to whom he showed hospitality, twenty years ago, that very night, and plotting revenge, is suddenly visited by apparently the same man, whom he recognizes, but who does not recognize him. Taking the visitor at a disadvantage, the trapper, before wreaking vengeance upon him, discloses his identity, and recites his wrongs to him, recalling how he was robbed of his only daughter, twenty years before, by the handsome stranger. While the trapper is seeking his child his aged father dies at home, and the daughter afterwards returns to her father's cabin only to die on its threshold. For all this, vows the trapper, the other must die, but just as the much-wronged man is about to put his threat into execution, the younger, realizing that he is the son of the wrongdoer, declares himself just in time to save his life. A powerful dramatic story, most eiTectively told, and affording opportunities for the portrayal of a strong character study and of an attractive juvenile part. Price, 25 cents, postpaid "THE REHEARSAL." A Novel Social Entertainment. For 7 Females. By Efifie W. Merriam. In this most amusing playlet the participants mingle with the audience, thus making the entertainment ap- pear to be entirely extemporaneous. Neither stage, scenery nor special costumes are needed to make it effective; in fact "The Rehearsal" may be acceptably given either in the parlor or on the porch or lawn, and is so arranged that very little memorizing is neces- sary — a great point in its favor, especially when but little time can be given to preparation. Price, 25 cents, postpaid M. WITMARK & SONS 87 Witmark Bldg. New York POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. DRAMATIC SKETCHES. "THE LAST OF THE CARGILLS." A Dramatic Scene for 1 Male and 1 Female. A beautiful story, full of sentiment and refined humor of the Southland. An excellent opportunity for a wo- man who can portray the old time southern ''mammy," and for a man who can depict the old southern lover. A character full of dignity and pathos. The scene shows the dining-room in an old southern mansion on Christmas day. Outside the snow is falling, inside all is bright and cheerful. George Cargill has the Christmas dinner table laid with covers for all his lost loves, and his best friend; although he alone sits at the board. In a reminiscent mood he recalls all the qualities, good and b^d, of his one time sweethearts and of his best friend, and speaks as though they were present. Finally when "Old Mammy" brings in the turkey she finds that "the last of the Cargills," has gone to join those he loved, in the great beyond. Price, 25 cents, postpaid "JOHN CLAYTON, ACTOR!" A Play in One Act for 2 Males and 1 Female. This little play might well be called " a modern Gar- rick," and closely follows the general theme of Gar- rick, although it is entirely difl^erent. Louise Warren has worshipped at the shrine of John Clayton, a successful actor, and has attended all of his performances, to the consternation and dismay of her relatives and friends. Finally her father. Colonel Warren, a typical southern gentleman of the old school, calls on Clayton to per- suade him to leave the country or in some way to break off the hifatuation of his daughter. Louise learns of this visit of her father and also calls at Clayton's rooms to warn him as she fears her father may do him some harm. Clayton promises to disillusion Louise and assumes the disguise of Clayton's servant, and after hiding Colonel Warren, admits Louise to whom he paints Clayton as the most lewd villain. Finally Colonel Warren appreciates the sterling qual- ities of Clavton, and the sacrifice he is making, enters the room and tells Louise, Clayton is only acting, and is in reality all she had imagined him to be — her ideal. He consents to their union, and all ends felicitously. Price, 25 cents, postpaid M. WITMARK & SONS 87 Witmark Bldg. New Yark POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. COMIC TRAVESTIED "DOCTOR LOW-RENTS (LORENTZ) SURGERY/' THE CO-RE-IN TWINS. Farce by Frank Dumont. 4 Male Characters, An exceedingly funny act. Can be played in white or black face. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "THE MANHATTAN CLUB." A Comedy Sketch Adapted to a Male Quartette, Intro- ducing the Song, "Bill of Fare." By J. Bodewalt Lampe. A refined sketch for male characters. Clean, bright and novel. Just the thing for a singing comedy four. Humorous dialog in which two selected songs can be introduced in addition to the song, "Bill of Fare," which accompanies the sketch. Price, 50 cents, postpaid. "THE STAGE-STRUCK BOARDING HOUSE.** Burlesque in One Scene. By Frank Dumont. 4 Males — 2 Females, A depiction of a stage-struck boarding house with the consequential amusing outcome of such a state of * affairs. The experience of Mr. Somerset, who has been invited to come down for a visit, with the assurance that he'll have a pleasant time, is very interesting. — George gets more than he expected. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "GIVE AND TAKE." "Hat" Dialog for Two Comedians. By Frank Dumont. The second series of "Get-Backs," Quick, snappy work for two funny men; an up-to-date, novel and interesting act for the olio or second part of a minstrel entertainment. Can also be used in any other per- formance. Sure to please. A laugh in every speech. Price, 25 cents, postpaicj. ''AUTOMOBILE CRAZY." j Burlesque in One Scene. By Frank Dumont. 7 Males — 1 Female. A successful, up-to-date burlesque, which calls for vigorous action all around. It is always received with tumultuous applause. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. M. WITMARK & SONS 87 Witmark Bldg. New York POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED, FRANK DUMONT'S FAMOUS PLAYS "The DIALECT COMEDIAN." By Frank Dumont. This i» a work that has been much called for. Bits of every dialect are presented, giving stories, jokes and gags as they should be told. The little book will assist you greatly. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "THE ST. LOUIS FAIR HOTEL." Sketch by Frank Dumont. Four Male Characters. Fun galore in this sketch. It shows an avaricious hotel keeper in operation assisted by his "faithful" man- of-all-work. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "McWADE'S PLATOON." Burlesque Dialect Police Drill. FINALE FOR FIRST PART. By Frank Dumont. Several nationalities are presented in this drill, giving splendid opportunities for good comedy work. Songs and marches are introduced, making an excellent finale or number for the olio. Something new. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "WHEN WOMEN RULE US." Burlesque and Court House Scene. By Frank Dumont. Twenty Characters. This satire is arranged specially for ladies wherein all the characters are assumed by them; the two hus- bands being represented by the ladies also. This burlesque may be used by gentlemen who, at- tired in grotesque imitation of female wardrobe and fads, can create any amount of laughter by imitating the gentle sex in mannerisms. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "MY NEW TYPEWRITER." Sketch by Frank Dumont. CAST OF CHARACTERS. Fine A, Silk, a busy agent Mrs. Silk, his wife, assuming disguises of tough girl, old maid and a gushing girly-girly typewriter A "screaming" sketch for one male and one female. Most excellent for a clever woman who can do char- acter parts. In this sketch the female character is obliged to assume three distinct roles, all of which lead up to complications that are ludicrously funny. Plenty of work for the male character — always busy. "My New Typewriter" is a satire on a popular topic. The theme is carefully worked out. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. M. WITMARK & SONS 87 Witmark Bldg. New York POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. THE VERY L ^"^ " """"^^ PLAYS, MONOLOGUES, BY ' - ■•■ HARRY L, NliWroJN "A Rose of Mexico" A Comedy-Dramatic Playlet of Mexkan Life. An Orig-inal Dramatic Playlet for one Male and one Female, the scene of which is laid in Mexico The story is of Carmita, a Mexican girl, recently returned from school in the United States, and Pedro, a Mexican youth who has turned bandit in her ab- sence to secure money enough to ask her to marry him. *'A Pair of Pants" A Rapid-Fire Talking Act. This act for straight man and comedian who wants his three dollars, while the other wants his pants, runs riot with fun, gags, absurdities and snap- py lines. Plenty of opportunity for good acting. *'A Jack and His Queen" Comedietta in one act for tuo Males and one Female. Jack Windsor, a young bachelor, returned from an eight years' tour of the world, he decides to settle down by marrying his fiancee, Flora Mason. Flora pa} s a surreptitious visit to Jack's apartments. "Tot- tie Twinkletoes," a dancer, is to call. Jack discovers Flora in his rooms and mistakes her for Tottie. Flora keeps up, the deception and some very smart oialogue ensues. "An Invitation to the Ball'* A Comedy Sketch for one Male and one Female. Plenty of work and good comedy for Mose John- son, a colored servant, and Birdie BirdseU. the daugh- ter of his master, who has made up her mind to at- tend a masque ball with Mose in attendance. "Chatter" A Monologue for Males. This is a brisk and breezy up-to-date monologue for light or low comedians. It is a whirlwind of com- ical lines which reach the apex of wit. Used with great success by professional entertainers. "Down in Paradise Alley" An East Side Episode for one Male and one Female. Tells a delightful story of a young college gradu- ate who has fallen in love with Jerry O'Connell^a lit- tle East Side street singer, living in Paradise Alle^', New York. A charming little playlet in which com- edy and pathos are beautifully blended. The special- ties introduced throughout the playlet are at the op- tion of the performers. "Family Secrets" A Monologue for Rube Girl. This Rube Girl hands you a laugh every two sec- onds on a subject which appeals to all, viz., her de- scription of her home and "folks" Up-State. 'Izzy's Vacation' A summer episode in two scenes. This is a splendid comedy for Hebrew comedians and lady who can play pert young miss. Izzy Goldberg is on a vacation in the country and running across Grace Howe, a breezy person who, in the spirit oi mischief, accuses Izzy of having followed her "Keep Your Eye on^the Ball" A Comedy Sketch for one Male and one Female. For a clever Irish comedian and leading woman Madame Blavatsky. fortune teller, has money disguises himself as Madame Blavatsky. The coHipIications that follow must be read to be appre^ ciated. "Meet My Wife" A Comedy Sketch, for two Miles and one Female. George Chamberlain, a hen-pecked husband, may not drink, smoke or have an opinion of his own with- out his wife's permission. With the arrival of a friend, Percy Hamilton, he enters into a plot to cir- cumvent his wife and eventually becomes piaster in his own house. "The Spirit of Captain Kidd" A Vaudeville Playlet in two scenes. Dealing with the absurd adventures of Timothy McSorley. an Irish laborer, and Hi Grass, a regular rube, who, on learning of treasure buried by the no- torious pirate. Captain Kidd, set out to find it. This excruciatingly funny playlet is in two scenes. It is one long scream from start to finish. "Two Girls and Him" A Comedy classic in one scene for two Females and one Male. There is a vein of exquisite sentiment running through this little playlet. Florence and Birdie Feathertop find themselves stranded. Timothy McDufT hears of their sad plight and spends his earnings to pay their way to the city "What Every Woman Thinks She foiows* A Suffragette Monologue. This monologue on the suffragfette question is a scream from beginning to end. More ludicrous "pat- ter" could not well be imagined. Thei^ is a dash of brilliant wit and humor that cannot fail to please. ANY OF THE ABOVE 25 CENTS EACH M. WITMARK & SONS 86 WIIMARK BUILDING Ne"w Yorh