4161 I F6 '6a y l — Forbidden Fruit. Comedy in Three Acts, BY DION BOUCICAULT, Esq. rUA*$ I FOR PRIVATE USE. -NOT PUBLISHED OR SOLD. NEW YORK, 18 7 6. ♦ Forbidden Feiiit Comedy in Three Acts, BY DION BOUCICAULT, Esq. FOR PRIVATE USE.- NOT PUBLISHED OR SOLD. 1 J NEW TOEK, > °1#A 1876. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1876, by Dion BouciCAVLT, in the Office of the Librarian of Congress, Washington, ACT I. Dove*s Chambers in the Temple. ACT II. A Railway Station. The Refreshment Room. ACT III. The Cremorne Hotel. ACT I. Scene. Cato Dove's Chambers in the Temple. Clerk's Office. R. H. Door in partition, R. C. Fireplace. Door. Podd dis- covered arranging papers, L. H. Bell Bings. Podd goes into Office, R. H. Opens door. Enter Zulu. Zulu. — Mr. Cato Dove? Podd (R. C. ) — Will you please to walk in, Ma'am. (Leads her into Chamber L. H.) This is his room, (C. behind table.) Is it anything I can attend to? I am Mr. Dove's Clerk. Zulu (R.) — No ; I wish to see him personally. Podd. — He is in the Court at present — we have a motion on the list this morning ! Zulu. — Is it anything interesting on the Brighton Scandal Case ? Podd (Handing Chair Jj.) — No, ma'am. That case stands over till Monday next. May I ask, are you concerned in that matter ? Zulu (Crossing to C. ) — Oh, very much ! Podd. — A witness, I suppose, ma'am. Zulu. — Yes, sir ; that is what I want to be. Podd. — For the defense, I presume. Zulu. — Wei], sir, so long as I am a witness, it don't matter to me. (Sits in Chair L.) Podd. — Yes, ma'am ; but you see it matters very much to the case. Are you an important witness? Zulu. — The more important the better — that is what I want to see Mr. Cato about ! I want to be well displayed ! Podd. — Well displayed, ma'am ! I don't quite understand ! (Bill rings — R. up stage in office.) Oh here is Mr Cato. (Cross- ing to office ) I know his pull at the bell — (Enter office) — a sort of snatch, as much as to say — It's me and I'm in a hurry ! (Opens door. Podd passes into outer office — opens door). Enter Mr. Cato Dove. Cato. — Any letters? (Down R, to desk, takes off his hat, gloves, and gives the n and his umbrella to Podd, who hangs them up at hick in office. ) Podd. — Yes, sir ; three, hir, and a lady. Cato (Standing at desk.)— Oh ! ( pening letter* in outer office and reading. ) Urn ! urn ! um ! What sort of a lady ? Podd (H. C.) — Very peculiar lady, sir. Some new evidence. — Zulu ( Walks round room — peeps into papers on table) in the Brighton Scandal case, strange lady, sir — says she wants to be well displayed. Cato (Reading and unfold in / a play'nll enc'osed in 2d letter.) — What's this? Another playbill. Who is this individual who sends me every day her woodcut — (reads playbill) — Mdlle. Zulu on the flying trapeze ! Greni of the Ring ? (Zulu who has been ex- amining room, and looking into drawers in table, now mounts on a chair L. HL up stage — to look at a portrait hanging against the wall. ) Zulu. — [ wonder who that is ! She has an ill-tempered mouth whoever she is. Cato (Opening another letter reads) — I forgot to enclose my photogragh. Zulu! (Takes Photograph, cabinet size, out of letter. ) Podd. — Oh, sir — Cato.— What? Podd. — She's in there ! ( Points to Boom L H. ) ( 'ato. — Who ? Podd. — The photograph, sir ! the lady ! her as wants to be displayed ! Cato. — The original of this likeness — is in my room, waiting for me. Are you sure ? Podd. — Well, sir, the original in there has got so much dress and so little visible, and this likeness has so little dress and so much visible, that it is hard for me to swear ! Cato (After crossing to L. of Podd.) — What can a flying trapeze want with me? (After a moment's hesitation — he looks at the photograph and enters the room, finds her perch°d in the chair. ) What is she about ? I beg your pardon ! Zulu (Turning on chair.) — No apology. I was admiring the pluck of that old fellow, to sit tor his portrait at his time of life and in such a wig. What's his line of business? C\to (Going to back of the table.) — That is the Lord Chief Justice ! 6 Zulu (Leaping down.)— Thank ye. You don't mind my look- ing about, I hope ? Oato (Motioning her t the chair in front. He sits at table. ) — I am sorry to have kept you waiting ! Zulu (Advancing to L. C.) — No offence. I suppose you know me, so I need no introduction. Cato. - I believe I have the pleasure of receiving mademoiselle (Looking at playbill) Fooloo? Zulu. Zulu, sir, not Fooloo. Zulu ! Cato. 1 beg your pardon. Foreign names are rather con- fusing. Zulu. The flying Fairy of the Trapeze — the Geni of the Ring. I see you have received my card. Cato. I have received your card — yes, that is — I received a Zulu. Card de visite. Cato. Oh, yes — the photograph ! Zulu. You have not seen me at Cremorne ? Cato. I am ashamed to say — that is a pleasure to come. Zulu. I am the original projectile, sir, the first person that ever submitted to serve as a Cartridge in a Cannon. Cato (Rising.) Bless me my dear lady. Zulu. Yes, sir, I see the idea takes your breath away. You should see the faces of the public when the cannon is charged, and after leaping lightly on the tip of the muzzle and waving a grace- ful adieu to a crowd I slide down into the Monster's iron throat ! Hurried music in the orchestra- — a pause to pile up the agony — Fire, Bang ! I am shot in the air to alight like a bird on the rail of a rapeze ! The sensation is thrilling, I assure you ! Cato. I feel that effect from your description only. I shall take an early opportunity of being thrilled (Drawing chair close to her C.) Zulu. Much obliged, but to the business that brings me here. Mr. Cato, I have followed the great Brighton Scandal Case in which you are engaged, with the greatest interest. I never miss a day in Court ! Cato. All London is full of it. It is a painful exposure of the inner life of our upper classes. Zulu. Painful ! Sir, not at all. I am infatuated about it. I cannot get it oir of my head I dream of it. I breakfast and dine upon it. I know every one of your speeches by heart. Cato (Aside.) He ! he ! the girl is gone on me, this is a de- cided case. Ha ! ha ! I am glad my wife is not here ! Zulu. For three years I've worked hard to get well displayed before the public, and never obtained more than three lines in the Daily Press, but here, sir, everyoody is talking about the business and witnesses in this case, perfectly unknown people until you called them in the witness-box, once there they get columns of notice — I want to be a witness ! Cato. Dear me, madam, what do you mean % Zulu. I want to be iu the box, and have you talk to me, and make me tell all my life, Fve made out a lovely biography and I want to tell it ! Draw me out as you did that lady you ex- amined yesterday ! Cato But what has your Biography to do with the Brighton Scandal ? Zulu. No more than the Biography of that lady ; you made her confess a lot of things that had nothing to do with the case, but were so interesting. Cato. But how can you be connected with it ? Zulu. Nothing easier, I've thought of that ! You can ask me. (Ah, how well I know the tones of your voice.) "Miss Zulu, you are, I believe, an Equestrian Artiste V Yes, sir. 'One of the most distinguished and attractive in your profession ?" Yes, sir. "You remember last Christmas a gentleman sending you some very costly presents of jewelry?" Really, sir. 1 receive so many tributes of that description, I cannot, amongst the number, distinguish the particular gentleman to whom you allude ! ' Come, come, Miss Zulu you must know, I mean the defendant in this case ; we are instructed that the defendent fell passionately in love with you last winter, lavished a little fortune on you in diamonds, besieged you with flowers?" I shall be covered with charming confusion, and you will make the most of it for the amusement of the jury. It will be delightful — you can keep me at it as long as you please ! Cato (Getting nearer to her.) It would be more delightful to enjoy your charming confusion here, as long as I pleased. 8 Zulu. Oh, Mr. Cato — how good you are and how I can scarcely believe my senses that I am really talking to you like this, and there you are ! It is not possible ! It can't be ! I'm afraid it is a dream ! Cato (His arm over the bach of her chair.) No, it is not a dream — or if it is — don't awake me. Zulu. Oh, that voice ! how it takes me back into court. What is the emotion that makes my heart throb and takes my breath away, when I am in court is it the depths of interest or the want of ventilation! (Cato takes her hand.) Oh, Mr. Cato don't misjudge me, I am not an ordinary woman. Cato. Oh, no ! (Leaning toward her.) Zulu. I am a bundle of nerves, an electro-flying machine ! Cato. I am sensible of the fluid! Podd. Their voices are got very low. I hope Mr. Cato is not o-ettinsr out of one scandal case into another ! Zulu. Mr. Dove, will you allow me to call you Alfred ? Will you pardon the liberty if I do % I'll tell you why. I had a friend, a very dear friend. Don't ask me wh it became of him, but whoever occupies the pedestal of my admiration at which he was the first idol. I call all my idols Alfred ! Cato. I should like to be Alfred the Great? (Bell rings. Cato rises.) Zulu How provoking ! Cato. (Aside ) I hope it is not my wife ! (Podd rises and goes to the door.) Zulu. You can see me any evening at Cremorne, or I could come any day here you might be disengaged. How good of you to waste your time on me ! (Cato listens at door C.) Podd opens the door. Enter Buster. Buster (C.) Dove in? Podd (R. ) Yes, sir, he is engaged with a client ! (They speak apart.) Cato. It is Mr. Sargeant Buster. (Returns to C.) Zulu We see him nearly every night at Cremorne ! Cato. You shall hear from me, Zulu. You won't forget me ? ( Zulu gjes to Fireplace L. and settles her hat in the glass, as they speak. ) Cato. Impossible ! Zulu. Alfred ! (Points to a portrait on the wall L. ) Who is that person 1 Cato (Aside.) My wife. (Aloud.) That, oh, that is, a — Mrs. Buster. You see Buster occupies these chambers jointly with me ! Zulu Oh, that's Mrs. Buster; I'm sorry for Buster, she is a cat. {Enter Buster into L. H. room. Zulu pulls down her veil.) Good day. I hope I have not intruded on too much of your time (Going out) (Buster retires up C. ) Cato. Not at all ! (Following her to the door) Good day ! Zulu. Good day. (Slip bows to Buster, then says as she goes out. aside.) I am sorry for Buster. (Crosses office. Podd opens door for her ; Zulu exits Buster crosses to fireplace. Cato after s ■ •ing her out returns to L. H. room and shuts the door. Buster stands with bade to fire, turning faces Cato.) Buster, (Looks at Cato significantly.) If you have another client or two of that kind, I'll exchange with you a good — er — a railway case against one of them. Cato, (Crossing to table C. sits as he speaks.) My dear Buster, you are a dissipated luminary of the law. Your head is always running on petticoats. (Sits at table and begins fussing amongst hispapers ) I as>ure you that was a — a perfect lady, but I know your disrespect for the sex leads you to form ideas ! Buster. Cato, thou reasonest well ! What are you looking for ? (Advances to L. of table.) Cato. The Vice-Chancellor's opinion in re Tollemache. Buster, (Picks up Zulu's photo.) Is this it? (Hands him it.) Cato. Zulu ! Buster. Oh, it was Zulu? I thought I recognized her chin, and that equestrian swing in her walk — she cannot get — er — a — the trapeze out of it. My dear Cato, I congratulate you 1 Cato. Now, Buster, really I don't like this kind of joke; it is in your way, 1 know — you go in for this sort of thing, but please to recollect I am a married man ! Buster. So am I, very much married. I — er — a don't know a man more married than 1 am ! ( Crosses to R ) Cato. I love my wife ! Buster. So do I; that is, when I say your wife, I mean my wife ! 10 Cato, (Rising and going to fireplaces). Yes, sir, everybody's wife — anybody's wife that will give you the slightest encourage- ment. Muster Cato, don't be a fraud; pull down your flag! How would you like this specimen of a client to be submitted to the scrutiny of Mrs. Cato Dove 1 Cato Josephine ? Buster. Yes, Josephine ; the unhappy Josephine ; you design- ing Napoleon ! Cato. My dear Buster. (Meets him C.) Buster (R.) Confess, then, or I shall produce this evidence in court! (Cato tries to snatch the photo from him) Pull down your flag! Cato (L.) I — I ; yes, but I assure you this interview was •not my seeking ! (Goes up stage to table, followed bg Buster.) I never saw her before in my life ; never heard of her. T — I found her here, and (Down R.) Buster, (Following him.) Don't be mean Cato; don't he a coward as well as a fraud. r have seen her sitting in court every day. Cato. You have eyes everywhere. Buster. Yes, wherever there is a pretty woman ! I marked her down thought — er — a I had scored one, my wish was father to that thought ; 'twas you who were the object of her attention, not the deponent. V\ ell ? (During this sceneVoBH is stated at desk looking over playbill.) Cato. She wants to be a witness in the Brighton scandal case ! (Poking fire.) Buster, (Looking at photo.) I'll go down to Cremorne to-night and serve a subpoena upon her myself ! Cato. Don't be a fool ! Buster. It is the only character in which to approach a woman, effectually— it — er — a — reconciles her to the superiority of our sex. Cato. There is no resisting you ! Buster. 1 wish you could make the women think so my dear fellow ! But in the mean time it gives me the greatest pleasure to welcome you as a fellow sinner. Your fidelity to Mrs. D. ra- diated a kind of cold atmosphere of propriety around you that chilled my good fellowship ! 11 Cato. Mephistophiles ! uster. So, to inaugurate the occasion, let us make a night of it ; be a bachelor for twenty-four hours ! You have had too much cannubulating lately, a little change ot air will do you good ! Cato. But my wife? Buster. It will do her good ; you are running down dear boy ; you want tone. Your mind is getting contracted within the limits— er — a — of your hearthrug, where you are becoming a mere — er a — domestic machine, of which your wife is the motive power ! Podd (in the office). — If that woman comes slinging her trapeze here Mrs. Cato will give her an engagement. Cato (bringing Buster down). — That is perfectly true ! Buster* do you know she is growing terribly jealous Buster. — Do you know why 1 Cato. — No. Buster. — You have never given her any cause ! Cato. — I can't follow your reasoning. Buster. — There is no reason in a woman's caprices. She is jealous because — er — a — she has nothing else to do ! Cato. — It is very ungrateful of her to suspect me, for I have not deserved it. Buster (R. ) — That's wrong. Deserve it — justify her suspicion and spare her your reproaches by taking her sin on your shoulders. The fact is, she finds you so perfect that .she is impatient to dis- cover a fault in you ; be generous — gratify her ! Podd (Stitl looking over the p 1 o J y-biU) — She wants to be well dis- played. Well, if Mrs Cato, his wife, catches her, she'll get all the display she wants. Cato (L.) — I dare not look at a woman in the streets, but my wife asks me what I see in her to stare at ? If I draw a deeper breath than usual, she wants to kuow what lam sighing about? If I put on a decent cravat when I go out, she inquires who I am dressing myself up to captivate ? I am afraid to have eyes, lungs, clothes. ( Grosses to R. ) Buster, — All your fault ! Look at my Arabella. Distrust is — er — a firmly established in her mind, and she is thus relieved from all anxiety. Put yourself under my treatment. I am an old practitioner. I shall send Arabella a note not to expect me home to dinner, as I have a consultation at er - a — let me see - at Not- 12 tinghara, this evening, which may detain me until to-morrow morning. So I shall tell her not to wait up for me in case I am detained ! Cato. — Does she stand that ? Buster. — Broke her in early. You must give the same excuse to your wife. Cato — I could not tell Josephine a lie if I tried. I should stammer, color up to the roots of my hair. I know I should. Buster — Then write her a note. Notes don't stammer Ink don't blush. Cato. — I am half inclined, only to give Josephine a lesson. Buster (Silting downH. ere is an assumption of stupidity about his mout , that he always prepares, when it frames a lie. Josephine. — But can't I go with you, dear? Do let me, you won't find me in the way a bit ! Cato (L. aside) — Oh, Lord, wouldn't I ? (aloud) My precious, do be reasonable, bear up, don't add to my difficulties — how could you leave time without a — a — a Buster. — A toothbrush — er — a — frisette, or — a — a razor? Josephine. — I can drive home and pack my traveling bag ! Buster.— *-We have not more than forty minutes to catch the Express. Josephine (Skimping with childish grief) Oh ! oh ! what shall I do all this evening alone ? Cato. — My angel! (They speak aside at fireplace.) Arabella (ivho 7ias been watching Buster) — Charley, dear Buster — What does my Bonanza want? Arabella (Taking him aside) — One lawyer is quite enough to get the evidence of this old party at Nottingham. Cato Dove will go down alone — he is your Junior Counsel ; it is his business to get up the case. Buster. — My beauty, I — er — shall be wanted ! Arabella. — Yes, /want you at home to-night, and home you must be, that is if you wish me to sign these papers. (Produces deed. ) Buster. — What's that? Arabella. — The conveyance of the land you are selling at Paddington. Buster. — Oh, true, has — er — a the attorney sent the deed ? 17 Arabella. — Yes, here it is, he came with it to me this morning to obtain my signature. Buster. — Oh ! a mere matter of form. Arabella. — Precisely — but without that mere form, you can't sell the land and get the money, can you? Buster. — Er — a well a Arabella, — You can't. I know it — now if you dine at home like a good boy, and take me to the opera afterwards, I will sign the paper before I go to bed to-night ! Buster — What insect have you got down your back, my darling ? Arabella. — No matter about the insect, you know my terms. (Goes up R., crosses over to L. behind table.) Buster (aside ivith conviction) — She is a very superior woman. Josephine. — Will you promise to send me a telegram from Nottingham the moment you arrive there ? Cato. — But my angel, I shall be back so soon. Josephine. — No matter I want to be sure you are thinking o* me, and not of anyone else. Cato.— Oh ! oh! as if I could — you will get the message by — let me see — Buster, when can Josey get my message from Nottingham 1 Buster. — From Nottingham? Arrive Nottingham 8 o'clock) and give two hours — say two hours — for transmission and de- livery — well, about 10. Josephine. — I shall put it under my pillow and cry myself asleep over it ! (She embraces him and cries.) (Buster goes up R.) Cato (speaking over her shoulder) — Oh ! (aside) — 'Pon my life, it is too bad, I can't stand this much longer! Buster (R.) — There, Mrs. B., look at that picture of connubial confidence ! Why don't we assume occasionally that attitude. Arabella. (C.) — Because we should laugh over each others shoulders, Mr. B. Buster (aside, coming down R.) — She is a very superior woman. (Cato goes up to table). Josephine. — Since you must let me see the last of you, I can go with you to the station, can't I ? Do let me 1 18 Cato (making up papers in a roll.) — Certainly, my dear, of course, it will be very much out of your way — we must take a Hansom cab, and I — I don't like you to be seen in Hansom cabs — it looks so fast — Don't it look fast, Buster? Buster. — Very bad form, indeed. (Crosses to fireplace). Cato (R. of table) — Even coupes are going out, aint they, Buster? Buster (at fireplace) They are railed loose boxes! Josephine (L. of table) — They may call them what they like. I am going to the station with you in your Hansom cab, in de- fiance of all the proprieties! When you took me to Mabille in Paris on our wedding trip, I was timid — but you overruled my objection by saying: "If a married woman can't defy proprieties under the protection of her husband, what's the advantage of the bonds of wedlock, she obtains her freedom from prejudices by giving up her liber y." I got your very words by heart ! Cato. — My love, of course I shall be delighted— (cmYZe). What the devil shall I do now? (Aloud) — How are you going Buster? Aeabella (R.) — Mr. Buster is going with me ! Buster (aside.) — Taken in charge. Arabella. — Mr. Podd. Podd (at door.) — Yes, ma'am ! Arabella — Please call up two Hansom Cabs ! (goes up.) Buster (crosses to door. ) -Two cabs, Podd — pick out clean ones (Leaning out of door .) — Hist, Podd! Podd.— Sir ! Buster (whispers.) — Don't post that letter to Cremorne ! Podd. — It is gone, sir ! Buster. — Oh, Lord ! Podd (going out.) — I see, Mrs. Buster has served a writ of ne exeat on the sergeant ! The two ladies look into mirror over mantel-piece. Cato joins Buster R.) Cato (R. C. aside to Buster.) — Buster — here's a go! Buster (R.) — Yes, it is a go to Nottingham ! Cato. — What on earth shall we do there ? Buster. — Arabella has cornered me — I can't accompany you. Cato. — What? Oh, I say — I'm not going to be expressed to Nottingham ! What's to be done ? You got me into this scrape. Buster. — I like that — didn't I find you in it? Over head and ars in it — with Zulu ? 19 Cato. -leant go wandering about the Midland Counties all night. What's to be done ? I feel like a drowning man ! Re-enter Podd into office. Buster. — Then don't struggle — lie on your back and think — stop ! could not yon get rid of her at the station, and slip out, leaving the train to start without you ? Cato.— Splendid— I'll do it ! Podd {looking in. ) — The cabs are at the door, sir ! (He retires. Josephine. — Now, darling, I am ready. Arabella. — Now, Charley, give me your arm ! Josephine. — Poor Caty, he does look sorry to go ! Well, that is some comfort, I never saw him look so vexed. Don't dear. There, I won't leave you till I see the train off ! Cato (aside.) — Oh, Lord ! (He looks desparingly at Buster.) Josephine. — You shall see the very last glimpse of me ! Cato (aside) — I am in for it. There is no escape ! What a night I shall pass ! Arabella. — Xow ; Sergeant, I am yours until to-morrow ! Buster [aside) — Oh, Lord ! What a night we both shall pass ! THE ACT DROP FALLS AS THEY GO OUT. 20 ACT II. Scene — The refreshment saloon of a railway station. Large glass doors at back L. H. looking out on the street. " Ladies' Waiting Room" ~R. H. Refreshment counter R. H. at back. Door L. H. 2d E. Entrance to railway platform. Girl discovered behind counter K. Enter Capt. Derringer and a railway Porter carry- ing his valise L. H. D. Derringer (R. C.) — Leave my valise there, and call me a cab. Porter (Places valise up L. ) — A Hansom, sir, or a 4-wheeler? Der. (Crosses to R.) — How delightful is that familiar sound I A Hansom cab 1 It is four years since I rode in one. (Back to C.) No, my friend — get me a 4- wheeler, as I have my luggage here — it will be more convenient. Por. — All right, sir. (Exit D. in F. and qfR.) Der. (Grosses to L.) — Home again, alter four years in India. How green the fields looked as we swept along — how cheerful every face appeared ! (Railway Porter outside heard to whistle and cry) : Por — Four-wheeler ! Der. — Nothing changed since I left this very railway station in '72. I think I can recollect that very girl behind the counter ; they have not chaDged her. Dear old England ! with all my faults, I love thee still ! ( Takes out a cigar.) Yes, nothing changed — (Up C. to counter) — I recognize those cakes under a gla s case — they are the very same! (To the Girl.) My dear, can you give me a glass of ale ? Girl. — Yes, sir, if you please. Der. — Can you oblige me with a match to light my cigar? Girl. — No matches, sir. Smoking is not allowed in this room — it is against the company's rules. Der — Of course ; dear old prejudices — fine old crusted conser- vative habits. (Feels in his packet.) If I had a piece of paper I might get a light at this lamp. (Tokes out a letter, rolls it up.) I never knew an English rule could not be covered with half a crown. (Lights the paper at a lamp R. ) 21 Girl (R. C. serving him). — Glass of hale, sir — three pence — Hallcopp ! Der. — Glass of hale — Hallsopp's hale; there's ten shillings — pray keep the change — and the H's. Girl. — Hoh, sir ! Der. — Her sweet cockney voice is worth the money ! (He throws down the letter half consumed, and treads upon it — taking up glass.) My dear, here's a good husband to you I (Drinks.) Girl. — I've got an 'usband, sir. Der. — Then here's a second one with an H, for a change. (Drinks.) By Jove ! (Crosses to L.) what a surprise my arrival will be to my sister, Josephine. I hope I shall not find her changed after so long an absence, but marriage doas make such a difference in women ; it makes none in men ; that's natural, of course. I wonder what sort of a fellow her husband is — (crosses up to C. to finish ale. ) — Dove, — what a name for a chap — and for a lawyer, too. I think she says in her letter he is a law- yer or a doctor — I forget which. (Drinks.) Well, I never thought Josey would have thrown herself away on a lawyer — (down R. ) — when she might have had her pick of the army list ; now if she had married a sawbones, he might have joined a regi- ment ! (Re-enter railway Porter, D. in F. ) Por. (up L.) — Here is your 4-wheeler, sir. (Picks up the va- lise.) Where shall I tell the driver to take you, sir ? Der (R. ) — Oh, true, my sister's address ; I forget the number — it is in her letter — (feels in his pocket) — at the top of her letter — the only one I have received from her these twelve months. Where have I put it? — (crosses to L. C.) — it was cer- tainly in this pocket. Oh. the deuce ! (Turns up.) I can't have lighted my baccy with it, surely ? (Picks vp the half consumed letter.) I have though, here it is ! (Beads.) "Your affectionate sister, Josey " — but the address is burned off ! What's to be done now ? Oh, stay ! (Turns to the Girl ) Will you oblige me with a look at your directory ? Girl (C. ) — We don't keep one, sir. Por. (L. ) — You will find one at the newspaper shop, there's one in the next street — I'll .^how the driver where it is. Der. (R.) That's a good fellow. Dove 1 There cannot be many doves in London 1 I shall look down the list of Doves 22 in the directory, and easily pick out my brother. I hope the human Dove does not take after the prolific bird {going up), or I shall be hunting Doves all day long. Por. {going up. ) - This way, sir. As they go up, enter Zulu D. in F. from R. Zulu {down R. ) — How provoking! I've just missed the 4.40 train Der. (L. C. ) — By Jove — what a splendid girl ! Zulu {To Der ) — Can you tell me, sir, if the five o'clock down train stops at Barnet ? I want to go to Barnet, Der. — Would you accept a share of my cab? Zulu. — Sir! what do you take me for? But perhaps 'tis I who am mistaken. Are you not a railway official ? Der (L ) — Unfortunately, no. I wish I was. I am only a lieutenant of artillery. Zulu (R.) — Oh, sit, a thousand pardons — you have a sort of uniform look that deceived me ! Der. — Don't mention it. Can I be of service ? Zulu. — I have a letter for a lady who resides at Barnet — Mad- ame Closerie Dalilali — it is an invitation to supper to-night, at Cremorne, and it must be delivered to her in time. Der. — Cremorne, Dalilah — surely her name is familiar to me. Zulu. — Mine is not unknown to fame, sir — I am the great Zulu ! {The P orter drops the valise.) The Geni of the Ring. I may say, sir, that I'm in the artillery, also — for we have a real gun- ner in his full uniform to fire me off every night. Der. {bowing.) — I wish I was the target. Zulu. — I trust to rank you amongst my supporters ; but how shall I get this letter to Closerie ? Por. — Why don't you telegraph? Zulu. — I never thought of that ! Por. — There's an office inside on the platform — it's only a shil- ling message. Zulu ( Crosses to R. H. ) — I could have done that at Chelsea. How thoughtless I was to come all this way when I might have spared myself the trouble and the cab fare. Der. (R. ) — Allow me to bless your thoughtlessness, as it be- stows on me tne pleasure of your acquaintance. Zulu. — Oh, sir. {Aside.) What a nice man ! Der. {bowing ) — Hoping we shall meet again, allow me to offer you my card. 23 Zulu. — Here is mine. Always at home, in the rincr, from nine to ten P. M. Der. — True, I forgot ! [Hinds her a card.) Zulu.— Reserved seats, half a crown ! (Hands him a p 1 ay -bill Courtesies and exits L. Derringer opens bill and goes out reading, C. Porter goes with him leaving the valise.) Girl — Well, the imperance of that woman ! to go and make the acquaintance of such a splendid young man off-hand like that ! What he could see in her. (Railway Porter returns). Did you see that. Jim ? Porter — What — See her fired off at Cremorne Circus? Yes, and there's no fraud about it neither — real powder — the public feels of it afore it goes into the big gun — a real soldier to touch it off She's a regular good plucked 'un. I tell you ! Girl. — Good plucked I I should think she was? See her fire herself off at the gentleman? (Enter Mr. and Mrs. Cato Dove, and Mr. and Mrs. Buster.) Josephine (It. ) — Ten minutes to five. I wish we had been too late ! Buster (C.) — Now, ladies, you had better sit down in the waiting-room, while Cato and I get the tickets ! Jos. — I'll go with him. Buster — By no means I'll go. He can stay with you ! Jos. — My dear Sergeant, how good you are. Cato (R. C.) — What is the fare? No matter ; there's a five pound note ! Buster (Aside to Cato). — It is all right. I have thought of a rescue — leave it to me. (Exit L. H. door). Arab. L , looking after him.) — My mind is not that easy it ought to be ; Buster does not inspire me with confidence. Cato (Aside, mossing to R ) — A rescue ! What does he mean? (Aloud.) This way. my dear! (Going to waiting-room.) Girl. — Beg pardon, sir. no gentlemen are admitted there ! That's the rules of the company. Jos. (R C ) — What a shame ! Girl. — There's a gentleman's waiting-room, second door on the right. Jos. — That will do ! (Going L with Cato and Arabella.) Girl. — -Bag pardon, ma'am, no ladies are admitted there ! Ahab. — The sexes are committed to solitary confinement. u Cato.— That's the rule of the company. (Enter Conductor of the Train, who goes to refreshment bar and drinks. ) My dear, you can't stop here in a drinking saloon; wait inside a moment until Buster returns. Josephine and Arabella enter room R. H. Re-enter Buster. Buster (L.) — Here's the tickets. (Gives him a railway ticket. ) Cato (II.)- — What's this? Why this is a ticket to Hornsey. Buster. — Hush ! Don't you see, your wife will see you off by the Nottingham Express I find the train will stop at Hornsey, two miles off you jump out ; return here and meet me at Lremorne. Cato — But she will expect to receive a telegram from me to- night from Nottingham. Buster — I've fixed that all right (Ccdls) Conductor 1 Conductor (C.) — Yes, sir. (Touches his cap and advancing ) Buster. You go with the five o'clock Express to Nottingham? Con. — Yes, sir. Buster. — Could you send a telegram for this gentleman when you arrive there , and accept this sovereign for the trouble ? (Gives him money.) Cox. — Certainly, sir, there is a telegraph office at the Notting- ham station. Where is the message 1 Buster (Cross to C. To Cato). — Go and write it — quick, you have not a minute to lose. Don't stand there like an idiot. Cato (Crosses to C.) — I feel like one ; all this is so complicated. Con (L. ) — This way, sir. Cato (Going L. ) — I'm so contused. I don't know what to fay Buster (Following him to L. ) — Make it hot and strong, with a squeeze of despair 1 Exit Cato, L. H. D. with Conductor Buster (Returning to C.) — I would write it for him, but my style is too high flavored. Now, Cato, will come back and we can have a glorious carouse. I have extricated him splendidly 1 That move is Napoleonic, and he does not appreciate it! Yet nothing is more simple. After a painful parting, I tear the two ladies away and carry them home, and in ten minutes Cato will return here, while the telegram is speeding to Nottingham, from whence it will be dispatched to-night, affording legal evidence of his presence a hundred miles from London, while he will be enjoy- ing a rosy time ! Oh, stolen hours are sweet ! (Re-enter Josephine R. H. door). 25 Jos. (R.) — Where's my husband ? Bus. (C. ) — Gone to buy the evening paper — (Rs-enter Arabella R. H. door) — and a work of fiction ! (Re-enter Zulu L. H. door). Zulu. — That is done. I hope Closerie will come ; I am sure she will ! Bus. (Aside). — Zulu, by all the artillery. Arab. (R.) — (measuring Zulu). — What a very loud person! Josephine, my dear, Cato was right — this is not a proper place for us! (Crosses tj R. C ) Serjeant, give me your arm ! (Dpi,) Jos. (R. aside). — How the creature stares at me ! I hope she is not going by the same train as Cato. Zulu. — Why, surely, 'tis Mr. Buster ! (Re-enter Cato L. H. door). Cato (crosses to R C.) — I have secured a corner seat. Jos. — I hope you are going in the smoking carriage. Cato. — My dear, I don't smoke. Jos. (R. C. ) — No matter! I insist on your going in the smoking- carriage ! — (Aside). — There are no ladies admitted there ! — rules of the company. Cato (C. aside). — Zulu, the devil ! Zulu (aside). — Alfred ! (Porter appearing at L. H. door). Por. — Now, sir ; if you are going to Nottingham you have no time to lose. — (Business). Zulu (aside crosses to R.) — Going to Nottingham! but how about our supper to-night ? Cato. — Come, Josey, don't you hear ? Oh, Lord ! (B -11 heard outside). Por. (shouting at door L. H.) — Passengers for Bedford, Not- tingham, Leeds and the north. (Disappears). (Exit Josephine and Cato L. H. door). Arab. — Serjeant, that person knows you and Cato ! Who is she ? 26 Bus. — My dear, she is — er — a — simply — a — a witness in our scandal case ! Arab. — Yes, sir ; I should say she has been witness of a good many. (Look at her with her glasses.) Zulu (to the Girl at the bar). — One of the penalties public people have to endure, is being stared at by the crowd. Arab, (aside). — Impudent baggage! (Aloud). — Come, Serjeant! (hxit L. H. door). Bus. (hastily). — Have you received the letter? Zulu. — Of course, I have ; and have invited my friend to supper ! Bus — All right ; we shall be there ! (Re-enter Arabella L. H. door). Arab. — Sergeant ! Bus. — My dear ! (Exit with her L. H. door). Zulu. — She has got the whip hand of him. Well, to see that man in court — brow-beating the judges, bullying the witnesses, and laying down the law to the juiy, and then see him here cowed by a petticoat — ODe would never think it was the same person. (Mtmickiny). Serjeant, my dear ! (Lxit L. H. door). (Re-enter Derringer (C. ) with a paper in his hand). Der (R. C.) — I found half a column of Doves in the directory — here they are — 27 of them beginning with Aaron and ending with William Dove. I forget my Dove's name. I thought it was a Caasar or Brutus. Where the deuce shall I begin ? (Re-enter Josephine L. H. door). Jos. (L.) — He has gone, dear old boy — he recovered his spirits just at the last ! Der. (K) — I must take a cab by the hour and call on every Mrs. Dove on the list ! Jos. — Dove, who's this? Why, oh, I cannot be ! Der. — I'll knock one over after the other ! Let me see ! Jos. — It is— it is ! Der. — I will begin with Mrs. Dove, 24 Bedford Square. Jos. — No, begin with Mrs. Dove, 62 Boston Road. Der. — Sure, it isn't ! Jos. — Yes, it is ! 27 Der. — Josey ! Jos. — My dear Jack ! (They embrace). Der. — Lord, what luck ! why, do you know, I burned your letter by mistake, and forgetting your address, I was preparing to look up every Dove in London. Jos. — But why did you not write to tell us you were coming? we have not heard irom you since my marriage. Der. — The truth is, I was laid up with a touch of sunstroke, invalided for six months. I did not like to spoil your honeymoon with bad news. As soon as I regained my feet, they gave me six months leave, and I thought to take you by surprise. Jos. — Dear old Jack ! I am glad to see you — how fat you have grown ! Der. — Yes — the sunstroke seems to have agreed with me. Jos. — Mad as ever ! Der. — But you must present me to your husband. Where is Dove? Jos — You arrive just in time to miss seeing him. He was here ten minutes ago. He has just started for Nottingham. Der. — I am not sorry to have you all to myself for a few days. Jos. — Oh, but you won't — he returns to-morrow. Der. — Then let us make the most of to-day — you belong to yourself to-day — you are your own mistress ! Jos. {laughing). — And when my husband is here — I'm the master ! Der. — Wnat a happy fellow ! What's his name ? Scipio ? Jos. — Cato. Der. — True — I forgot. I knew it was something with an 0. Well, we must spend the day together. Jos. — We'll make a night of it ! Der. — So we will. Jos. — Oh, what fun ! (Kisses him.) Girl.— Oh ! (Reenter Zulu L. H. door. ) Zulu. — I heard a familiar sound. Who's kissing so loud here ) — it is against the rules of the company. (Josephine crosses to R.? Oh, it is my gunner ! Der. (C.) My lovely bombshell ! Zulu. — He is making the acquaintance of every girl he meets. Well, he did not get on as fast with me — she can't be much ! Jos. (R. aside to Der. ) — Do you know this woman 1 28 Zulu. — Woman ! No more a woman than you are, ma'am — and much more of a lady. Good day, sir. [Aside. ) Just like these common soldiers ! [Exit C. ) Jos. — Oh, let us get away from this place as soon as possible. Der. — Never mind her. Let us not mind anybody but our two happy selves. Recollect I have been four years away. Let us get a cab, and enjoy the rest of the day like two schoolboys. First, we'll dine at Richmond. Jos. — I must go home, then, and change my dress. Der. — I allow you fifteen minutes for the toilette. Jos. — I'll make as much haste as if you were my lover. Der. — Of course, you wouldn't hurry for a husband. After Richmond, we'll go to the Alhambra. Jos. — Oh, Jack, is that proper? Der. — Proper ! It is the swell thing to do. There's a ballet, and I can smoke in the back of the box. Jos. — I shall lose my reputation. Der. — Leave it there — plenty of people in that place want one. Then, after the Alhambra, we'll go to Cremorne. Jos. — Out of the frying pan into the fire. Jack, I dare not do it. Der. — We can engage a private room overlooking the gardens — have a quiet little supper, and enjoy the fun. Jos. — Enjoy the fun ! What a heartless creature I should be to enjoy any fun while poor Cato is shaking and jolting along all night in that horrid railway carriage, on his road to Nottingham ! Der. — Do you think he would hesitate to embrace such an occa- sion as this because you could not share it? Jos. — My dear Jack, you don't know him. I am his only oc- casion. He would embrace nothing whatever but me ! Der. — What a monotonous kind of a person he must be ! Well, Josey, I'll be responsible for all the fun you will enjoy and I stick to my programme. Here is the ladies waiting-room; you must stay in here while I call up a cab. Jos. — Don't be long. (Exit into R. H. room.) Re-enter Buster, C. L. 5 he is nearly knocked down by Derringer. Der. — Can't you see where you are blundering to 1 Buster. — Sir. I was just about to address the same question to you ! Der (under his breath) — Stupid old tailor ! (Exit.) 29 Buster (calling after him. ) — Why tailor ! I don't perceive any- thing either ridiculous or degrading in the imputation — you may see it in that light — I don'tl (Comes down L.) If he had waited I could have called him a volunteer, or a marine ! These good ideas always occur to a fellow alter he has lost the opportunity of expressing them. I have slipped through the matrimonial noose. When I got Mrs. Busttr into the cab outside the station, I had a happy thought. " Arabella," I said, "we are close to the Agri- cultural Hall, where the Horse Show is ij full force — the Royal Family will be there." (I baited the trap with that succulent lie.) " Shall we go f ' She was delighted, and we drove to the Exhibi- tion. Two reserved seats in the gallery cost me half a sovereign. I had four pounrls remaining of Cato's capital, so I did not mind the expense. When Arabella was safely squeezed in, after wading past forty people eighty knees, I jammed her in a remote stall, and waited beside her for an opportunity of giving her the slip — it soon came. She admired a pair of ponies — miserable rats, but they had long tails, and that captivated her. " Bella, ' I said, '• you have taken a fancy to these pair of ponies? They shall be yours !" "Buster," she cried, " you don't mean it !" "Mean it," said I, you shall see, and I waded out. (Looks at his watch.) Let me see, it will take me to examine these ponies and get a medical certificate that they are both unsound in every limb, will take me three quarters of an hour 1 Re-enter Cato. He is dressed in a long linen duster, and has a soft broad-brimmed hat. Cato — I have returned. Buster. — Cato, where did you pick up that envelope ? Cato. — At the station at Hornsey. They sell them at the book- stall ! Where's my wife % Buster. — Safely at home ! Cato. — What a relief. I can breathe freely 1 now I am getting accustomed to the excitement, the sense of danger being past, I rather like the feeling ! Buster. — Don't you feel like a bird ? Cato. — Yes, but while my wife was in sight, the bird felt he was within shot, and the sensation is very unpleasant I Buster.— Now you have an entire evening to enjoy yourself in our old bachelor fashion ! Cato — Yes. What shall we do to begin with? Buster Well, I must return to Arabella, (looks at his watch,) time's up. (Those ponies wont carry me any longer. ) I left her at the Horse Show ! 30 Cato. — You are not going to desert me ? Buster. — My dear fellow, I can't leave my wife in the middle of a horse show, I must take her home ! Cato — Of course ; but after you have left her at home, where shall we meet — when — how ? Buster — She insists on my dining at home, and then taking her to the opera ! Cato. — But what am I to do all that time ? Buster. — Go to the Club ! Cato. — I can't; half the fellows know my wife, and I couldn't take them — the whole club — into our confidence ! Buster. — Go to Cremorne, dine there, and wait till I come. Cato — Cremorne by daylight, before the lamps are lighted, with nobody but waiters and the checktakers on the premises ! Can't you th ; nk of something that will occupy my time till nine o'clock ? Buster. — What do you say to a game of billiards ? * Cato. — Splendid. I'll give you ten points in fifty, and play you for a sovereign ! Buster. — Don't I tell you I can't leave my wife ? Cato. — I'll give you fifteen points and make it a five pound note. Buster. — Impossible ! Cato — But my dear fellow, consider my melancholy situation. I dare not show myself anywhere in town ! Bus. — Then take a cab and go for a drive in the country. My dear Cato, I proposed a night at Cremorne, but I did not under- take to find you employment for all the hours of the day. Stop ! I know a quiet little public house, the Swan, at Chiswick, quite retired — not a soul there. They know me — take my card. (Hands him a card). '! here you are! Have a tea dinner and a- game of skittles with the landlord ; he is a splendid fellow — will do anything for us. I defended him at the Old Bailey, case of burglary — got him off. He will treat you well — Bye-bye! Supper is ordered at 11 ; don't wait for me. I'll come, if I can ! (Exit C. D.) Cato. — This is not what I expected when I entertained the proposal to make a night of it ! when I entertained a vague idea of reckless dissipation ! the picture of a tea dinner in a retired public house did not present itself to my fevered imagination ; a 31 burglar, however splendid, was not the lovely companion, and skittles was not the occupation I dreamed of. Oh, dear, I begin already to repent. I leel depressed in spirit. I would not dare to confess it to Buster, but I want to go home to Josey ! Can't I make some excuse ? I can say I was taken suddenly ill on the train ! Yes, that would do ! No — I forget ! It wont do ; for after we had retired to rest that infernal telegram will arrive from Nottingham. I can't explain being in a telegraph office at Not- tingham and being in bed in London at the same time. That alibi would convict me. {Re-enter Buster hastily C. door). Bus. (L.) — Arabella is coming up the street ; she has not seen me. I must slip around this way by the station and regain the horse show before she returns to the hall. {Exit into railway station L). Cato {runs up and looks ojfR.) — Mrs. Buster, coming ! What shall I do ? {Enter Podd C. door — He looks up L.) Podd. — I just escaped the rain. Cato. — Podd, my clerk, he must not recognize me ! {Turns to R. H. and pulls up his collar as he advances to R. C.) fPoDD going across to L. H. door. ) Por. — The train for Kentish Town, Hempstead, Highgate ? Podd. — A.11 right ! I am going to Kentish Town. I'm just in time. Cato {at R. H. door.) Where can I hide for one moment ? {He opens R. H. dcor — looks in suddenly — closes it. ) Oh, Lord, my wife ! She's in there ! (Podd at L. H. door, searches for his ticket to show the porter. A four wheel cab drives up to door in F. Enter Derringer — gets out of it. ) Der. {down L.) — I thought I should never find a cab ; this fellow is the only one on the stand. How it rains ! (..'. e crosses to R H. door and Cato runs up to C. door.) Cato. — Oh, dear ! here comes Mrs. Buster. * odd blocks that door, and my wife is in there. I am surrounded on all sides. Oh! {He opens the door of the cab and jumps in ; closing it after him, he pulls down the blind. ) {Enter Josey R. ifort Podd L. ) Jos. — What a time you have been ! Have you found a cab ? 32 £>er. — All right — here it is ! (Enter Mrs. Buster C. door.) Jos. — Arabella, why where is the Serjeant ? Arab. — The monster, he left me in the horse show an hour ago ; it is all over. They turned me out. I am looking for him. Der. — Now, jump in. (Tries to open the door.) It sticks very fast. (He opens the door of the cab ; it is pulled to from the inside.) Hallo ! what's that? There is somebody inside. Cato (inside.) — This cab is engaged. Der. That's cool ; he says the cab is engaged ; of course it is. I engaged it, sir ; this cab is mine. Cato. Drive on, coachman ! Der — Stop — not until I have your name. Cabman. — Now, then, aint you done ? Cato (putting out his arm offers a card.) — There, sir. is my card ; take it. Der. (talcing the card and advances.) — I will hold you answer- able wherever you are. Cato (putting his head out at front window.) — Cabby, Putney Common ; a Sovereign if you gallop all the way. Cabman. — All right, sir. Hay! (He whips his horse. The cab disappears.) Der. (reading card.) — Mr. Sergeant Buster, Pump Court. A.R4B. — My husband ! (Derringer rushes up and shakes his fist after the cab.) (Bell rings.) Por. (at door L. H.) — Passengers for Bedford, Leicester, Derby, Manchester. THE ACT DEOP FALLS. 33 ACT III. Scene. — Two rooms in a hotel, with the intermediate corridor. Doors in the partitions. Staircase and door at bach Supper tables laid. Swallbach, a German head ivaiter, seated in R. H. room. Joseph, a ivaiter, is holding a back of a fire shovel to his eye. Swall. Ah ! ce — ahee — Gott in himmel ! I zall be plind my life. Joseph. How did you do it? Swall. Ach ! you vool. It vas not me It vas der gork der von champain bodel. (Victor hurries in by corridor to R. H. room. He carries a bandage and a, tomato. ) I vas open it. I gut der string, ven bom — it dos dam gork — he zhot me in de eye ! Vic. Here 13 the best thing in the world for a black eye. Swall. Vas ist das ? Ein domato ! Vic. Tomato ! the finest plaster ! Joseph. It aint to compare with a bit of raw beefsteak ! That's the reg'lar cure ! Vic Beefsteak ! You English imagine to yourselves the beef- steak is cure for everything. Swall. Sacrement, vile you vight your beefsteak and domatoes, mine eye is glozing up. {They bind the bandage over his eye, placing the tomato under it. ) Ach ! das vos goot, zo it is. {Bell rings.) Vic. There's the office bell! Swall Quick, it isbardy for supper. Make ready. {He rises. Exit Victor) (Cato enters the corridor His hat is smashed His coat is cov- ered with dirt and he wears a false nose. ) Cato. This is what Buster calls making a night of it ! Buster drew out the programme. Buster composed the entertainment, I consented to play a part in the piece ; but if the incidents iu store for the next three hours resemble what I have gone through al- ready, I shall not live to see the morning. Waiter ! 34 {Enter Joseph. Swallbach and Victor light the lamps in R- H. rooms and exeunt. ) Joseph. Sir, what can I get for you 1 Cato. A clothes brush. (Bell. Enter Victor.) Joseph. Coming, sir. Victor, the gentleman wants a brush. Cato. Stop — there's a cab at the door. Ask the fellow what's his fare. Joseph. How shall I know which cab it is, sir? Cato. You can't mistake it. Look at me ; the vehicle is in a similar condition ; so is the horse. You will find the cabman in- side, very drunk ! Joseph. All right, sir. {Exit.) Cato. Now, I can release myself. {Takes off his nose.) Oh, what a relief that is! After achieving that hairbreadth escape from detection by my wife, we drove at a most illegal speed to Turnham Green ; pulled up once in Knightsbridge to buy this nose. When I got to Chiswick I found I had forgotten the ad- dress of Buster's friend, the cheerful burglar. It was only half-past six o'clock and raining in torrents. The cabman said his horse was done up and as he had to go home to change his animal, I pulled out my purse — you cannot picture my despair when I found I had given all my money — five pounds — to Buster! I was obliged to stick to that cab. I have passed the evening in that cab. The fellow drove me home — to a stable-yard in the Old Kent Road. There he took out the horse and left me in the cab for two hours, at half a crown an hour. It was raining in torrents for two hours. He came back — drunk ! Oh, so drunk that even the horse seemed to look on in doubt as to the propriety of trusting him with the reins I had no alternative. I put him inside, mounted the box and drove the vehicle myself. It was raining in torrents. All went iairly — I may say swimmingly — till I tried to pass a dust cart in Millbank ; caught the hind- wheel, and over we went. I landed amongst the ash-barrels. A friendly policeman soon put us right again. The cabman inside did the swearing, and I drove here! {Re-enter Joseph.) Joseph. The man says it is two sovereigns, sir, you promised to give him. Cato. One The rogue sees double. Joseph. Well, sir, he says if you won't pay it he wants your number. 35 Cato. My number? Joseph. You had best take his, sir, and give him your card. Cato {Aside. Oh, the deuce ! that would never do ! {Aloud.) Pay the fellow what he asks, and put it on the bill. Joseph. What name, sir ? Who shall we charge to ? Cato. My name ; oh, charge it to Buster I am going to sup here with Serjeant Buster's party. Cato {takes off his duster and hat — gives them to Joseph.) Joseph. The Serjeant is well known to us here, sir. Quite right, sir! {Exit.) {Enter Victor tvith a brush.) Vic. Here is a brush, sir — is that all for the present 1 (Victor "brushing him.) Cato. You don't think a man who has eaten nothing since halt-past eight this morning can stay his stomach with a clothes- brush ? I want a room — the best, warmest, cosiest, you have and supper for four. Vic. Here is the very thing, sir. We kept this for Mr. Buster's party. {Showing Cato into L. H R ) Cato {looking around.) Very snug — uncommonly snug — but what door is that? Vic. {opening door in flat.) It slides back, sir; so as to throw the two rooms into one when we have a large party. Cato. Ah ! very convenient, but on this occasion if you have another party in there, they can overhear all that passes in this room. Have you not something more private ? Vic Step this way, sir ; here is the very room you require — {Enters R. H. room) — quite retired; tiled in, sir, with a window overlooking the gardens. Cato. Excellent ! Your name wn.) Will you get out ? Cato. (Bjs°s.) (Aside.) She langhs. (Aloud.) I go. (Gains the door.) Oh, if I wasn't at Nottingham. (Turns.) If you sail vant any ting,s, you ring, and I am here. Der. Go to the devil ! Cato Ring always, as ofden as you blease. ( De hringe r offers to throiv the • ' ottle at him. Cato shuts the door — he listens.) Jos. I do believe the poor fellow is crazy — there is something the matter with his head. Cato. That's where it is 1 Der. My darling Josey, you don't drink. Cato. His darling ! Jos. Yes, I do Jack. Cato. He darlings her, and she Jacks him ! (Looking through the key-hole.) I won't lose a word, nor a look — nor a gesture. Oh, dear ! I can't see. Hush ! they are not speaking — that's a bad sign What can they have to whisper about ? It is not allowed in a respectable house. Hush ! dead silence ! Der. (After drinking again.) Oh, that's lovely ! (Cato bursts in on them ) Cato. Gomming ! (Josephine screams.) Der. Are you mad ? Cato. Don't you vant zometing? Der. What the mischief brings you here ? Cato. (As he retires.) It was nothing — false alarm. (Meets Victor, who enters with salad, he takes it.) *"-alade ! Der. Put it down there ; take these things away. Jos. (Aside) How the creature eyes me. 45 Der. (Aside to her.) Don't be afraid. (Cato puts the salad on table— removes the dishes.) This salad is not mixed — where' s the oil and vinegar ? Cato. Gomminsr. Der. Waiter — champagne ! Cato. Gomming. (Brings the oil and champagne, aside, looking at J. sephine.) I wish it was prussic acid a n( j strychnine. (He pours the oil in Iter glass and the champagne in tj le salad.) Jos. Oh, what is he doiDg he's helping me to oil. Der. And pouring champagne in the salad. Will you get out and send us another waiter 1 Cato. (Aside, going out.) He orders me out. (Bitterly ) Ah ! This is making a night of it ! (He listens.) Der. I'll stop further impertinent intrusion. (He locks the door.) Cato. He has locked the door. Der. There now, we are rid of that idiot. I hope you have enjoyed your 'evening. Jos. It has been delightful. Cato. They have spent all the evening together. Jos. It reminds mc of the days we spent together five years ago, when we used to steal out together unknown to my uncle, and you took me to see the fireworks at the Crystal Palace. Cato. I am seeing fireworks now. Der. What fun we used to have. Cato. Oh it has been going on for five years. Jos. My dear Jack you were the only being in the world I had to love ; and if you knew how I cried my eyes out when you joined your regiment. Der. Dear old girl ! (He kisses her hand.) Cato. He kissed her — I heard it ! Jos. But now, I shall see you every day. Der. Certainly. Jos. I shall introduce you to my husband. Cato. Of course ! Jos. You will dine with us every day ? Cato. I must take him in to board. Jos. You and Cato will get on splendidly. Why can't you come and stop with us altogether ? I'm sure Cato wouldn't mind it! Cato. Oh! Oh! Not mind it! 46 Jos. There is some one at that door. I heard a noise ! Cato. What are they about? (Looks through keyhole.) Derr. Surely, that Dutch scoundrel cannot be listening. If he is, I will teach him to attend to his own business. (He opens the door suddenly. Cato tumbles in. Derr seizes him.) What were you doing there ? Jos. Oh, Jack, don't, pray don't. Cato. Let me go ! Derr. Not until I throw you out of the window ! (In the struggle Cato's bandage and his nose falls off.) Cato. Oh, my nose ! Jos. My husband — it can't be you it is ! Derr . Your husband ? Jos . Why, Cato, what brings you here ? Cato. No, madam, that is not the question. I prefer to ask what brings you here ? Sir, I am the unfortunate husband of that lady, who has not been the dupe she has imagined. This after- noon I pretended to leave for Nottingham Jos. Pretended ! Cato. It was a trap, madam, to detect you as I have done. I have followed you in disguise all day. I have been a witness to your conduct with this gentleman, whom you call your darling Jack. Don't deny it ; it is useless. Jos. I don't deny it. This is my brother, Jack Derringer Cato. Your brother! No! no! Jos. Who returned from India this evening. Derr. And who certainly did not anticipate the pleasure of meeting you in this manner. Cato. Oh, my angel! Oh, forgive me — if you knew — I thought — your hand Porringer ; forgive me. Derr. Derringer! Cato. I beg your pardon. I am so confused — I mean so relieved. Jos. And you really suspected me capable of acting such a part? Oh! Oh! Cato. No ! no ! I didn't - that is, I was a jealous fool ! Derr. (Lighting a cigar.) It is past now. Let us forget and forgive. Cato. I do — I forgive. Jos. Oh, Jack don't smoke here, please ; it always makes me ill. 47 Deer. All right, Josey ; I'll take a turn in the garden and leave you together. Cato. Let him smoke. You shall smoke all over my house. I am so grateful to him for being your brother. He shall do what- ever he likes ! Derr. That's hearty. I'll take up my quarters with you. Sling me a berth in any corner brother Jack is not particular. (Exit by corridor.) Cato. Josey, Josey, throw your arms around me — take me home ! Oh, if you only knew how I have loved you all this blessed — I would say infernal evening. Oh, never let us part again ! Jos. You dearest of foolish fellows ! Do you think I regret your jealousy? Why, I am delighted you were miserable, for it shows the depth of your love for me. What ! you have been sus- pecting me? That's delicious! And spying alter me? Oh, Cato, you darling, there are so few husbands now-a-days, that love their wives well enough to be jealous of them ! Ca^o. Love you ? Josey, I adore you ! I never look at any other woman ! (Cato embraces Josephine.) (Enter Zulu and Joseph into corridor.) Zulu. Which is Mr. Alfred's room? I am late. Joseph. Mr. Alfred? (Bell rings.) Coming the room on your right. (Exit.) (Zulu as he speaks has her back to audience.) Zulu. On my right. Oh, this is it; No. 9. Here goes ; of course Closerie has not come. (Zulu knocks at L H. door.) Jos. Some one is knocking. Oh, perhaps it is Jack, who has finished his smoke. Why does he knock? Cato . He means it as a delicate attention . Dear old Jack ! (He opens door, sees T^iso and shuts it.) (Aside.) Oh, Lord, Zulu! Zulu. (Knocking .) Don't shut the door, it's me ! Jos. Who is it? (Cato keeping door shut and locking it. ) Cato . Nobody ! It is an old gentleman who — who — has mis- taken the room ! Zulu (Knocking .) Are you going to open the door? Come, I say, Alfred, none of your larks . 48 Jos. There, he is knockiDg again! Cato No ; it is next door, I assure you ! Zulu. Will you open the door 1 Oh, don't be a fool ! Jos. Do see what the man wants, Cato. Never mind him — he will go away when he's tired. (Aside ) Oh, dear, what shall I do? Jos. I will sen d him about his business. ( Goes to door. ) Cato. I am lost! Where can I retire? Oh, if I could sub- side into my boots ! (Sees the door in F. ) Ah, the next room ! (Slides back door, disappears as Josephine, opens door R. and admits Zulu.) Jos. A lady ! Zulu I beg your pardon. Where is Alfred? Jos, I beg yours, madam ; there is no Alfred here. Zulu. So I see. but he was here. We met this morning, and he invited me to sup with him this evening. Jos. My husband invited you to sup here ! It is false, ma'am, I won't believe it ! Zulu. Your husband ! In what acceptation of the word, madam ? Jos. Oh, I can't stand this ! (Cato appears in corridor.) Zulu. Nor can I. Where is he? I'll teach him to play the fool with me. Oh, here's another room! (Exit door in F . fol- lowed by Josephine, as Cato enters R. H. Room and locks door.) Cato. Just escaped that explosive female ! but how shall I ex- plain my disappearance to Josey ? I am becoming enmeshed in a web of lies. Caught in my own pretences. I wish I had Buster here to help me ! (Enter Buster in corridor.) Buster. I left Arabella at home. I said I would go out in our square to smoke a cigar, and here I am ! Cato. I don't hear the raging of the wild animals ! Buster. (Trying door R. H. Room.) Locked on the inside I (Knocks.) Sympathy teaches us discretion. Cato. There she is ! Bustek. (Whispering.) Whist! 'Tis I ! Cato. Oh, yes. I'm going to let you in — in a hurry ! (Re-enter Josephine into L. H. Room. ) Jos. Where can Cato be? He was not there. He must have gone out by this door I (As she opens door she meets Buster.) 49 Buster. Mrs. Dove ! here ! Jos. Oh, Serjeant, how glad I am to see you ! (Buster enters L. H. Room.) Where's niy husband? Buster. He's at Nottingham ! Jos. ^o, he is here ! Buster. Here? It can't be ; you are mistaken ! Jos. I tell you I saw him ! Buster. It must have been an optical — er — delusion. (Cato who has been listening inside Ms door.) Cato. I'll take a peep, and if I find the road is clear, I will run for it ! Jos. (Sitting down and holding her head in helpless confu- sion.) Am I going mad? (Re-enter Derrixger doivn corridor.) Der. Surely that lady talking to the waiter must be my little bombshell friend in the artillery ! Cato Porringer ! I am saved ! Come, come in here ! (Drags Derringer into R. H. Room and closes door.) Der. What's the matter? Jos. I spoke to him, I tell you ; he followed me. Buster. Where to — have you been to Nottingham? Jos. Oh, you are all in a plot to drive me out of my senses ! Cato. I am in a frightful mess. You can save me, if you will. Not for my sake, but for hers — for Josey's. Listen ! (Cato speaks apart to Derrixger.) (Re-enter Zulu with Victor.) Victor. You mistook the room, Miss, this is Mr. Alfred's room. Zulu (Entering R. H. Room.) Ah ! there you are ! Der. (To Zulu.) Keep quiet. It is all a mistake. (To Cato.) I understand it all. Leave it to me. I'll pull you through ! Zulu. I declare, it is my friend in the artillery. (Enter Arabella, in corridor with Joseph. Derringer, Zulu and Cato speak apart.) Arab. So, you say Sergeant Buster has a supper party here, to-night? Joseph. Yes, ma'am ; one of the ladies is here — the other Arab. One is enough, sir ! (Exit Joseph.) Bus. My dear soul — don't take on so ! 50 Arab. That's his voice ! He's with her in here ! Jos. Don't leave me ! Bus. I must get back to my wife, or she will suspect something is wrong. Arab. (Bursting into L. H. room. ) Villain! I have detected you at last! Josephine — Oh ! it was Mrs. Dove ! This is too much ! Jos What ! do you dare to insinuate, madam, that you enter- tain any doubts about me? Arab. None whatever, ma'am ! The place, the position in which I find you, leaves no room for any doubt whatever. Jos. Oh this is too much! (Josephine rings tlie bell furi- ously. ) Der. Rejoin your wife at once ; we will follow you. Cato. Zulu — Porringer — I shall owe you my life ! (Cato crosses from R. H. room to L. H. room.) Arab. While your infatuated idiot of a husband is at Notting ham, you replace your fool with my knave. Cato ! ' ato. Go on, Mrs. Buster. Take it out of me. I am used to it this evening. Jos. Cato, you will explain to that lady how I came here. Cato. (Dignified.) My wife, madam, came here with her husband — with me ! Jos. She charged me with impropriety. Cato. If she entertains such charges against any one here, charge them to Buster ! (Enter Derringer with Zulu.) Der. I am sorry to confess I am to blame for all this. Allow me to explain. On my arrival this afternoon I met this lady, an old friend of mine and I invited her to sup here to-night. Miss — a — (Aside.) What's your name ? Zulu. Zulu ! Derr. Miss Zulu, accepted the invitation, and in the excitement of meeting my sister, I totally forgot all about it. Miss Lulu came Zulu. Zulu ! Derr. Found her place occupied. Jos. Ah. then you were the Alfred she wanted ? Derr. Yes ; she always called me Alfred as a — a — short for Jack. We are such old friends. I 51 Arab. Stop, stop, this is all very clear so far; but when I ar- rived here, the waiter downstairs told me that snpper had been ordered for two ladies bv Sergeant Buster. Cato (Aside.) Now he's in for it — go it — charge it to Buster. Buster. By mc — ordered by me ! Where is the waiter? (Enter Swallbach.) Swall. Gomming, sir. Here is der bill ! Arab. (Taking it.) Twenty-seven pounds six. Jos. Oh, what can they have had to come to that? Buster. No, no; I appeal. My lords and gentlemen of the — that is — I fcrget. This is absurd ! (Aside.) Oh ! the luxury of being falsely accused ! It is a new sensation ! Derr. Allow me to explain further. When I ordered supper for this lady and her friend the waiter asked me for my name, and I handed them my card, as I thought. By mistake, I gave them a card I received from a scoundrel of the name of Buster, who stole my cab this afternoon ! Buster Arabella, tell him that was not me ; say it was some other scoundrel. Save your husband's honor ! Arab. It could not have been you. for I found you wating for me at the Horse Show. I will do you that justice ! Buster. Virtue is triumphant ! ! ! Cato. Who could it have been % Swall. Das ist vera good ; but who is to pay the bill ? Derr. I'll settle it! (to Zulu.) I think the supper is ready in the other room. (Exit Zulu into R. H. Boom.) Cato. No we can't allow you to pay ! (He takes the bill from Swallbach.) Can we Charley? We demur. Waiter, this is our affair. Buster, we must settle this. (Exit Swallbach into R. H. Room.) (Buster and Cato follow Swallbach into corridor. Der- ringer takes the wine and pours out glasses full for the ladies.) Derr. Come, ladies, in the absence of your husbands, let us drink a toast ! Cato. (Drawing Buster forward.) My dear fellow! one word with you. You tempted me to make what you called a night of it! Buster. You did not know how to make one 1 Cato. Possibly ! but I'll never attempt to make another ! I have tried the taste of forbidden fruit. I don't like it! A fast 52 life looks charming to those who see it as spectators look at a play, but you have introduced me behind the scenes, and I prefer the illusion to the reality ! Buster. (Mourn fully.) There is no illusion about Arabella. Derr. Now, ladies, are you ready ? Cato. (Listening.) Hush! Jos. Here's to my darling, Cato — the best, truest, most devoted of husbands. Buster. Do you hear % Cato. I do, and I b^ush ! Arab. Here's to my dear old Charley, whom I confess I have wronged by my suspicions. (The ladies drink.) Cato. And you said there was no illusion about her ! Oh, Charley, Charley ! if you found your wife out in such infidelity as you indulge in daily. Ah ! what would you say ? Buster, (Wiping away a tear.) I'd say — charge it to Buster ! I They embrace — as the ladies drink the toast the CURTAIN FALLS. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS