mm DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. DRAMAS, COMEDIES, ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. M. F. Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 acts, 2Yi hrs (25c) 8 8 Abbu San of Old Japan, 2 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 15 After the Game, 2 acts, \V^ hrs (25c) 1 9 All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 4 4 All for the Cause, 1 act, \Va hrs (25c) 10 All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 21^ hrs (25c) 6 10 And Home Came Ted, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (3Sc) 6 6 Arizona Cowboy, 4 acts, 2J4 hrs (25c) 7 5 As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 2Vi .hrs (25c) 9 7 At the End of the Rainbow, 3 acts, 2yi hrs (25c) 6 14 Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, 134 hrs. (25c) 17 Boy Scouts' Good Turn, 3 acts, 134 hrs ...(25c) 16 2 Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2^4 hrs (25c) 7 3 Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2^4 h. (25c) 7 4 Call of the Colors, 2 acts, 1^ hrs (25c) 4 10 Call of Wohelo, 3 acts, IM ' hrs (25c) 10 Camouflage of Shirley, 3 acts, 254 hrs (35c) 8 10 Civil Service, 3 acts, 2*4 hrs, (25c) 6 5 College Town, 3 acts, 2^4 hrs ..(25c) 9 8 Daughter of the Desert, 4 acts, 254 hrs (25c) 6 4 Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 2^4 hrs. (25c) 5 5 Deacon Entangled, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 6 4 Down in Dixie, 4 acts, IV2 hrs (25c) 8 4 Dream That Came True, 3 acts, 214 hrs (25c) 6 13 Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr....(25c) 10 Enchanted Wood, 1^4 h.(35c).Optnl. Everyyouth, 3 acts, 1J4 h. (25c) 7 6 Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 4 4 Fifty-Fifty, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (35c) 6 8 For the Love of Johnny, 3 acts, 2^ hrs ..(35c) 6 3 Fun on the Podunk Limited, 1% hrs ..(25c) 9 14 M. F. Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 3 5 High School Freshman, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 12 Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2^ hrs. (25c) 6 4 Jayville Junction, ll^ hrs. (25c) 14 17 Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 214 hrs. (2Sc)10 9 Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 6 12 Lady of the Library, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 5 10 Laughing Cure, 2 acts, 1^ hrs. (25c) 4 5 Lighthouse Nan, 3 acts, 2j4 hrs. (25c) 5 4 Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Little Clodhopper, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 3 4 Mirandy's Minstrels (25c) Optnl. Mrs. Tubbs Does Her Bit, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs (25c) 7 7 Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 acf§, 214 hrs (25c) 4 7 Old Fashioned Mother, 3 acts, 2\i hrs : ..(2Sc) 6 6 Old Maid's Club, 1^ hrs. (25c) 2 16 Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 8 6 Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 1^ hrs (25c) 12 9 On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 21/2 hrs (2Sc)10 4 Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 4 4 Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2%. h.(25c) 7 4 Real Thing After All, 3 acts, 214 hrs (35c) 7 9 Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2J4 hrs (25c) 10 12 Ruth in a Rush, 3 acts, 2yi hrs (35c) 7 9 Safety First, 3 acts, 214 hrs (25c) 5 5 Savageland, 2 acts, 2y2 hrs. (50c) 5 5 Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 hrs. ...(25c) 7 Spark of Life, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 4 4 Spell of the Image, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs! (2Sc)10 10 Star Bright, 3 acts, 254 h. (25c) 6 5 Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 6 4 Thread of Destiny, 3 acts, 2i^ hrs ..(25c) 9 16 Tony, the Convict, 5 acts, 2j4 hrs (25c) 7 4 T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,PublishersJ54W.RandolphSt.. Chicago A PAPER WEDDING A COMEDY BY CHARLES NEVERS HOLMES AUTHOR OF "Please Pass the Cream," "Their First Quarrel" and ''Smith's Un- lucky Day" CHICAGO T. S. DENISON & COMPANY Publishers A PAPER WEDDINq^ Mr. John Robinson A Young Husband Mrs. JotiN Robinson A Young Wife Mrs. Samuel Patch Her Mother Mrs. Arthur Cfeoss Her Friend Miss Martha Savage A Maiden Lady Mary Ann Cook A Culinary Specialist Place — Anywhere. Time — Afternoon. Time of Playing — About Thirty Minutes. COSTUMES." Mr. Robinson — Business Suit. Mrs. Robinson — Afternoon gown. Mrs. Patch — Afternoon gown; hat, wraps. Mrs. Cross — Tailored suit ; hat, wTaps. Miss Savage — Afternoon gown; hat, wraps. Mary Ann Cook — Hat, wraps, suitcase. COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY CHARLES NEVERS HOLMES. 2 ©C/.0 52578 A PAPER WEDDING Scene: A room in the Robinsons'' apartment; small table in center zvith lamp and books upon it; a sofa and sev- eral chairs. A rug under the table, pictures on the walls, a calendar on the rear wall displaying clearly to the audi- ence the date ^'February 28," windozv and door at right of room with telephone on stand betzveen them; door leading to hall outside apartment at rear of room, and a mantel with fireplace and clock, and a closet door, at the left of the room. A good fire in the fireplace. As the curtain rises, Mrs. Robinson is seated at the tele- phone, energetically talking into it. • Mrs. Robinson (pausing, looking around her, then again talking into the telephone). Are you svtre, Sally? (Paus- ing, listening.) Oh! You heard her with your own ears? Well, if she said that I'll never speak to her, not as long as I live! Why, the idea! (Pausing, listening.) Yes, I guess that's so ! She can't see or think of her married friends without becoming peevish. Well, it's not your fault or my fault, Sally, that Martha Savage isn't married. It's all her own fault with that aw-ful disposition of hers. And I feel absolutely certain, Sally, that there is at least one very lucky man in this world! (Pausing, listening.) No! I'll never speak to her again as long as I live ! The hateful thing ! (Listening.) Oh, must you go? Then I'll see you here shortly — I shall be delighted, and I am sure that mother and Jack will be delighted to see you. Goodbye, dear. (She Jiangs up the receiver, the doorbell rings, she goes to and opens the door at rear of room.) Mrs. Patch enters. Mrs. R. Well, mother, how did you find Mrs. Littleton ? Mrs. Patch (removing her hat and zvraps). I am sadly disappointed in Susanna. Despite the many, many times I 3 4 A PAPER WEDDING have warned her, she is now completely under the dominance of her husband. Of course, Mr. Littleton is personally a very fine man, but no matter how fine a man may be, his wife should never permit him to assume conjugal superior- ity. My daughter, I believe that you have an excellent hus- band, but beware ! — Priscilla, if you sink to the matrimonial level of my poor friend Susanna, I shall never darken your doors again — never! Mrs. R. {carrying her mother's hat and zvraps to the closet at left of room and leaving them there). I don't believe there's any danger of Jack's trying to dominate over me. Our married life has been almost ideal. That is what every one of my friends says — we've all compared notes, and I find that Jack and I have the lowest quarrel-record of any of our married acquaintances. Mrs. p. {sitting down in one of the chairs^ gloomily). Still you never can tell what a single day may bring forth ! Priscilla, I suppose that you have heard from John by this time. Mrs. R. {also seating herself in a chair, cheerfully) . Yes, mother, I have just received a telegram stating that he would be back here from his business trip by two o'clock. {The clock on the mantel strikes four times.) Mrs. p. {still more gloomily). That sounds very much like four o'clock, Priscilla. Mrs. R. {rising from her chair, going to the windozv, looking out). Well, it is four o'clock — but doubtless Jack has been delayed. Mrs. p. {rising from her chair, going to door at right of room, opening it). I thought you told me that John was ahvays punctual, but perhaps that was before the days of the honeymoon. Mrs. R. {turning away from the window, a little sharply). I don't see why you are finding fault with Jack. I can re- member several occasions when my father was not on time. Mrs. p. {passing through the door, closing it after her). Well, your father explained everyone of those occasions A PAPER WEDDING 5 most satisfactorily to me. I trust, my daughter, that you will demand a satisfactory explanation from John ! The doorbell rings, Mrs. Robinson opens the door; Mrs. Cross enters. Mrs. Cross {kissing Mrs. Robinson affectionately). Re- ally, I didn't expect to get here so soon after telephoning you. But I couldn't stay away a moment longer from con- gratulating you and Jack upon this first anniversary of your wedding. {She looks around her.) Why, zvhere is Jack? Mrs. R. {assisting Mrs. Cross m removing her zvraps). He hasn't returned yet — I expect him every moment. Mrs. C. {seating herself on the sofa). Why, Jack has been away quite a while, hasn't he? Mrs. R. {taking Mrs. Cross''s wraps to closet on left). Yes, almost a week. I do hope nothing has happened to him ! Mrs. C. {encouragingly). Don't worry, dear. Nothing happened to Arthur, and he went away on a business trip just before the first anniversary of our wedding, Mrs. R. {sitting down beside her). And he came back all right? Mrs. C. {smiling). Yes, he cam.e back all right — on the day after our anniversary. Mrs. R. {rising and going to the zvindozv). What a pity ! Did you expect him back in time for your anniversary? Mrs. C. {with another smile). I certainly did! Mrs. R. {looking out of the window). What was his excuse ? Mrs. C. {zvith a short laugh). He hadn't any. He con- fessed that he forgot all about it. Mrs. R. {turning around, with an amased expression). He forgot all about it? Your first wedding anniversary? Mrs. C. {seriously) . That is what he said. Mrs. R. {looking out of the zmndozv). Well, what did you do? Mrs. C. {significantly). Mr. Cross has never forgotten another anniversary ! Mrs. R. {turning around, positively). Jack wouldn't for- get anything like that ! 6 A PAPER WEDDING Mrs. C. (skeptically). How do you know? He hasn't returned yet. Mrs. R. (more positively). I do know! — besides he has just telegraphed. Mrs. C. (with a smile). That's exactly what Arthur did, and then he forgot all about our anniversary. Mrs. R. (leaving the window, sitting down beside her). Well, Jack hasn't forgotten oitr paper anniversary. Mrs. C. (quickly). You mean, my dear, your cotton an- niversary. Mrs. R. (decidedly). No, I mean our paper anniversary — our paper wedding. Mrs. C. (a little doubtfully) . But — I have always heard it spoken of as a "cotton wedding." Mrs. R. (more decidedly) . And I have always heard it spoken of as a ''paper wedding" — and Jack isn't going to forget our paper wedding ! Mrs. C. (more skeptically). You never can tell! A year of married life makes most men very absent-minded. Re-enters Mrs. Patch by door on right. Mrs. R. (rising). Here is mother. Mrs. p. (greeting Mrs. C, who also rises). How do you do, Sally? I trust that you and your husband are enjoying health and happiness. Mrs. C. (pleasantly). Yes, thank you — Mrs. p. (glancing at the clock). Why, it's almost quar- ter past four! (Addressing Mrs. R.) Hasn't John come yetf Mrs. R. (a little nervously) . Oh, he'll be here soon. Mrs. p. (impatiently). He's more than two hours late. I should think he would telephone. Mrs. R. (more nervously). Probably he can't find a telephone. Mrs. p. (grimly). Well, your father couldn't make any such excuse to me. There were no telephones when we had our first anniversary. Mrs. C. (sweetly). I am sure that you and Mr. Patch had a very happy first anniversary. A PAPER WEDDING 7 Mrs. p. (brusquely). We did not! In fact, Mr. Patch forgot all about our first anniversary. Mrs. R. (in amazement). Father forgot all about your first anniversary ! Why, mother, you have never told me that before. Mrs. p. (very grimly). Well, Priscilla, he forgot about our first anniversary — but he remembered every other anni- versary. Mrs. C. (quietly). Mrs. Patch, that is just what hap- pened to Mr. Cross and me — he forgot all about our first anniversary. ]\Irs. p. (emphatically). Of course! All men are much alike — and Fll warrant that Jo Jin has wholly forgotten that today is his wedding anniversary. Mrs. R. (very positively). He has not! You wait and see ! Enters Mary Ann from door on rights dressed for going out, zvith a suitcase. Mary Ann (with loud dignity). Goodbye, Mrs. Robin- son ! I give you my notice ! This roof isn't big enough to shelter both me and your mother ! Mrs. R. (in amazement). Why, what is the matter, Miss Cook? Mary Ann (moving towards the door at rear of room). Pve stood her as long as I'm going to — besides she has broken rule number 89 ! Mrs. R. (addressing Mrs. Patch). Mother, what have you done to Miss Cook? Mrs. p. (in a subdued tone). Really, Priscilla, I don't know — except that I was out in the kitchen for a short time — • Mary Ann (pausing, with her hand on the knob of the door at the rear of room). Well, that's where you broke rule number 89 ! It's aginst the rules of our Association for you to be in the kitchen during certain hours. (She puts down her suitcase and drazvs a small book from her pocket.) Hear this! (She opens the book and reads.) **No mimber of the household except the cook (or friends she wishes to 8 A PAPER WEDDING invite) shall inter the kitchen, without her permission, be- tween the hours of 4 to 6 and 8 to 10 p. m." That's rule 89 of the United Culinary Association of America, and Mrs. Patch has just broke that rule. She's broke other of our rules, too, and so, Mrs. Robinson, I'm after giving you my notice ! Mrs. p. (humbly). Miss Cook, I'm very sorry. I didn't know that I had broken any of your rules. You see I live out in the country where there isn't a United Culinary Asso- ciation. Mrs. R. (entreatingly) . Please don't leave us, Miss Cook. Mary Ann (relenting a little). I like you and your hubby well enough, but if I stay you'll have to give me five dollars more a week. Mrs. R. (quickly). You shall have it, Miss Cook. Mary Ann (picking up her suitcase and returning to door at right). Mrs. Patch, I'll forgive you this time, but don't let it happen again! (She exits.) Mrs. R. (sitting down somezvhat weakly in a chair). My ! That was a narrow escape. Mrs. C. (drawing a long breath). It certainly was! Oh! Priscilla, there is something I forgot to tell you. On my way here I met Martha Savage, and she said she was com- ing to congratulate you and Mr. Robinson on your anniver- sary. I expect she'll be here at any moment. Mrs. R. (angrily). I don't want her congratulations! The idea of her having the face to visit m.e after what she has said. I told you that I should never speak to her again, and I never will ! Mrs. C. (earnestly). But listen, Priscilla, Martha told me that she had something very important to tell you. Mrs. R. (inquisitively) . What was it? Mrs. C. (more earnestly). She wouldn't tell me, but by her manner I judged it must be a very choice bit of gossip. Now, any gossip that Martha Savage tells you is usually very delectable. Moreover, it will be absolutely true. Don't A PAPER WEDDING 9 you think, Priscilla, that you had better be pleasant to her — at least until you have found out what she has heard? Mrs. p. (emphatically) . Certainly, Priscilla, you should be pleasant to her. For my part Pm very eager to learn what Miss Savage has to tell you. Since jny present visit here she has told me some exceedingly interesting things. If what she has to tell now is as interesting as what she has already told me, I wouldn't miss it for worlds. The door bell rings, Mrs. Robinson goes to the door, and Miss Savage enters. Miss Savage (kissing Mrs. Robinson and greeting the others). I am perfectly delighted to see you all again ! Pris- cilla, please to accept my heartiest congratulations for your first anniversary — (looking around her) — now, where is Mr. Robinson ? Mrs. R. (quickly). I expect him home at any moment. (She assists Miss Savage to remove her zuraps, placing them on a chair close by.) Miss S. (impressively) . Priscilla, I have something quite remarkable to tell you. Of course it will be in the strictest confidence. It was told me in the strictest confidence, and I should not repeat it to you unless I was sure that you would not divulge it to anyone else. Of course your mother and Mrs. Cross are present, but I feel that I can trust them to keep it an inviolate secret. It concerns a person very high in the social life of this city — (The telephone rings, Mrs. Robinson answers the call.) Mrs. R. (taking down the receiver). Hello! Who is thisf W-h-y, Jack! You don't know how happy I am to hear your voice. What is that? Oh, you'll be home inside of five minutes? Well, you can't get home any too soon to suit me ! All right — goodbye, dearest ! (She hangs up the re- ceiver and turns around to the others.) There! Mother, didn't I tell you that Jack would not forget our anniver- sary ! Mrs. p. (unenthusiastically). Yes, John seems to be coming home, but if I were you, daughter, I should exact 10 A PAPER WEDDING a rigorous accounting of where he has been for the past week and why he is more than two hours late. Mrs. R. (gleefully). Oh, I can trust Jack — I sha'n't ask him anything except what he is wilHng to tell me. Mrs. p. (dis^provifigly) . Those, my daughter, are the words of a very young and very foolish woman. Miss S. (critically). It seems to me that those of us who are married — and I feel more and more contented with my single state as the years roll by — cannot in these mod- ern days be too careful in watching over the public and private conduct of their husbands. (Speaking very im- pressively.) What I was going to say when Priscilla was called to the telephone (they cluster eagerly around her) relates to a person very high in the social life of this city — indeed, none of you would suspect him, such is the clarity of his alleged reputation, of being implicated in wickedness so black — Enters Mary Ann from door at right, dressed for going out. Mary Ann (crossing the room towards the door at rear, in a voice somewhat raised). I'm going out, Mrs. Robin- son. Don't expect me back before ten o'clock. Mrs. R. (in dismay). But — Miss Cook — I thought you would help me with my reception tonight — you know it's my wedding anniversary. Mary Ann (pausing). That's true, Mrs. Robinson, and it's sorry I am. But I've an important meetin' to attend, and accordin' to rule number 28 of the United Culinary Association of America I have the rest of this day off, as well as four other days in the week from three o'clock in the afternoon until twelve o'clock. But seeing it's your wedding anniversary, perhaps I'll get back at half -past nine. . Mrs. R. (in despair). How am I ever going to get along without you, Miss Cook? Mary Ann (opening the rear door). Sure I don't know, but my duty is my duty ! I'm prisident of the Culinary Asso- ciation in this city, and we have a meetin' at four o'clock A PAPER WEDDING 11 sharp. I must be on my job — I'll be back at half-past nine. My best wishes to Mr. Robinson and you! (She exits.) Mrs. C. (angrily). That jars me all over! Mrs. R. (anxiously). What on earth am I going to do, mother? Mrs. p. (encouragingly). Don't worry, Priscilla. I'll take her place. But Miss Savage hasn't told us yet the name of the person high up in the social life of this city. Miss S. (impressively). As I was saying when that member of the United Culinary Association interrupted me, none of you would suspect this person, such is the clarity of his alleged reputation, of being implicated in wickedness so black and dreadful — The door bell rings, Mrs. Robinson hastens to the door and Mr. Robinson enters. Mrs. R. (rushing into his arms impetuously). Oh, Jack! Mr. Robinson (returning her greetings warmly). Dear- est, you can't imagine how glad I am to be back — ^but I never expected to return today. The only reason I am here is that a certain business transaction did not go through. Mrs. R. (suddenly releasing herself from Mr. Robin- son's arms). You did not expect to return today! Mr. R. (a little surprised). Why, no. When 1 left home I planned to get back tomorrow — ^the first of March. Mrs. R. (in a low, listless tone). Not until tomorrow? John, do you know w^hat day this is? Mr. R. (still more surprised). Of course — this is the 28th day of February — I remember the date particularly because I thought there was to be a big business transaction this morning. Mrs. R. (in a very hurt sort of voice). Is that all you remember about this day, John? Mr. R. (somewhat bezvildered). Why — yes. What is there especially remarkable about this day, my dear? Mrs. R. (wildly). You are a perfect brute, Mr. Rob- inson! (She throws herself down upon the sofa, sobbing.) Mr. R. (in utter bezvilderment). What on earth is the matter? What have I done? 12 A PAPER WEDDING Mrs. p. (hastening to comfort her daughter). Didn't I tell you, Priscilla, that all men are much alike? Mrs. R. (sobbing more violently). Boo-hoo ! But I thought he was different — boo-hoo ! Mrs. C. (to Miss S., aside). Isn't this aw-ful? Martha, hadn't we better go home? Miss S. (zvith a smile). You may, if you wish — I shall remain. Mr. R. (walking towards the sofa). I don't understand this at all. Priscilla, won't you tell me what Fve done? Mrs. R. (hysterically). Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo!! Boo-hoo!!! Mrs. p. (addressing Mr. Robinson). Mr. Robinson, I think that my daughter will henceforth be happier under the shelter of her mother's roof. Of course I expected nothing else from a married man, but I fear you have broken my poor child's heart ! Mr. R. (attempting to comfort his wife). Priscilla, I wish you'd tell me what Pve done — I — Mrs. R. (between her sobs, repulsing him). Go away! Go away from me ! Never, never speak to me again ! Mr. R. (in despair, turning to Mrs. Cross). Sally, won't you inform me what all this means ? Am I dreaming or am I awake ? Mrs. C. (very unsympathetically) . ■ John, you are awake all right, or you will be in a moment. It seems that you, just as Arthur did, have forgotten that this day is the first anniversary of your and Priscilla's wedding. Mr. R. (still a little bewildered). The first anniversary of our wedding! Why, that isn't so — no, it can't be — our first anniversary comes tomorrow. Mrs. R. (springing up from the sofa). You hypocrite! Isn't it bad enough to forget our first wedding anniversary without resorting to a false statement to avoid the respon- sibility for your heartless negligence and wretched imbe- cilitv ! Mr. R. (somewhat impatiently, leaving her). I have not been negligent and I am not an imbecile. We were married last year on the 29th of February. Today is the 28th of A PAPER WEDDING 13 February. (Pointing to the calendar.) We were not mar- ried on the 28th but on the 29th, so that our anniversary occurs on the day following the 28th, which is the first of March — tomorrow — there being no 29th of February this year. Mrs. R. (angrily). Mr. Robinson, you are just trying to dissemble. Our anniversary takes place upon the 28th — today — because we were married on the last day of the month, and this is the last day. Mr. R. (very positively) . That is not so, Priscilla. Our anniversary is upon the day following the 28th, and that day, since there is no February 29th this year — for the 29th is omitted excepting during leap-years — would be tomorrow, the first of March. Mrs. R. (in a rather high tone). You are in the wrong, and you know it ! I suppose you won't admit that you were married in February — well, / wasn't married in March ! Mr. R. (impatiently). Can't you see, Priscilla, that we were not married on the 28th of February but on the 29th. The 28th comes one day before that of our marriage, and, accordingly, our marriage took place on the day after the 28th, that is, the 29th, or what corresponds this year to the 29th, the first day of March. Mrs. R. (in a higher tone). I say I was not married in March — neither on March 1st nor on March 31st! Mr. R. (irritatingly) . No one has accused you of having been wedded in March. I admit we were married in Febru- ary, but I will not admit that we were married on the 28th day. You cannot deny, Priscilla, that we were married on the 29th, and the year will not be completed until the 29th, or what corresponds to it — the first of March. Mrs. R. (hysterically). I don't care to hear any more of your arguments ! You are a cruel-hearted brute ! Don't you dare to dictate to me on what day I was married — we were married in February, and you know it ! (She throws her- self dozvn upon the sofa and sobs.) Mrs. C. (soothingly). Well, after all, Priscilla, I guess it's just a mistake. When you consider the matter in one 14 A PAPER WEDDING light you are right, and when you consider it in another light Jack is right. I should say you were both right ! Mrs. p. {aggressively). Not at all, Sally! My daughter is wholly in the right and Mr. Robinson is wholly in the wrong. Today is her wedding anniversary, because she was married in February, and tomorrow, March 1st, is in the month of March. Miss S. {judicially). I am rather inclined to believe Mr. Robinson has it right. Of course, if there is no February 29th this year, and a marriage was solemnized on that date last year, its anniversary would not arrive before February 29th but upon the next day after the 29th. Mrs. p. {sitting dozvn beside her daughter, trying to com- fort her). As I well remember, Priscilla, your father, when he forgot all about our anniversary, was man enough to acknowledge freely his fault. He didn't try to argue the matter. Miss S. {obstinately). Well, both of them can't be right. For my part, I do not see the sense of observing a wed- ding anniversary until a full year has elapsed. Mr. R. {with an attempt at facetiousness). I don't be- lieve we were married at all ! How could we have been when my wife was wedded in February and I was wedded in March ! The door bell rings, Mrs. Patch goes to the door and Mary Ann enters. Mrs. p. {surprised) . Why — how is this, Miss Cook? I thought you were not coming back until half-past nine. Mary. Ann {in a loud tone). Sure I thought so, too, Mrs. Patch, but whin I reached our rooms they were locked. Thin I remimbered that our meetin' was yesterday — they'll be turning me out of my prisidency, they will — and I came back. Mrs. C. {quickly). Oh, Priscilla! — Jack — since you are not able to agree upon what day is the anniversary of your wedding, why don't you let Miss Cook decide it for you? Mr. R. {laughing). Well, that wouldn't be such a bad idea ! A PAPER WEDDING 15 Mrs. p. (seriously) . Perhaps it would be a good plan — Mrs. R. (sitting up suddenly on the sofa, wiping her eyes zvith a handkerchief). I know I'm in the right, but I should like to hear Miss Cook's opinion. Mary Ann (inquisitively) . Now what are you all talk- ing about? Mr. R. (with a smile). You see, Miss Cook, it's this way. Mrs. Robinson and I were married last year on the 29th day of February. This year there is no February 29th— it occurs only in leap-years — and Mrs. Robinson thinks that our wed- ding anniversary comes today, February 28th. It seems to me that our anniversary comes tomorrow, March 1st. What do yoti think about it? Mary Ann (puzzled). Sure I don't know what to think. You say that Mrs. Robinson says her wedding anniversary is today, but you say it isn't. It's not for me to decide be- tween husband and wife, but I've a third cousin on my father's side who's been married three times and is a clear- headed man. I can call him up for you on the telephone and ask him. Mr. R. (laughing) . Go ahead. Miss Cook — call him up. (Mary Ann zvalks to the telephone, takes down the receiver and gives a number. Presently she receives an answer.) Mary Ann (speaking into the receiver) . Hello ! Hello ! Is this Bill ? It is ? Well, this is Mary Ann. How are you ? (Listens.) Hozv's your wife? (Listens.) What? There's been an addition to your family? (Listens.) What — twins f — again? (Listens.) Love of Mike ! How many does that make? Ten in all? I'm coming round to see you to- morrow. (Listens.) Sure, I want to take a look at those last twins — remimber me to Katie — what's that? (Listens.) Go on with yez ! Who told you? He did! Well, I'm not going to be married ! It's me for single blessedness and a long life. Oh — say — I nearly forgot what I was telephoning you for. The folks here are in lots of trouble — yes — they don't know whether they was married — no, that isn't it — they don't know whin they was married — no, that ain't it — they don't know whether they was married once or whether they 16 A PAPER WEDDING was married twice — no, that isn't it — sure I'm getting it all mixed up ! — just hold on to the line, Bill, until I ask them. {She turns towards the others.) And what was it you wanted to know? Mr. R. {laughing heartily). About our anniversary — does it come on the 28th of February, today, or on the first of March, tomorrow? Mary Ann {turning back to the telephone). Bill,, are you there? You are? Well, what they wanted to know was what day were they married? No, what day was their anniversary ? You see they were spliced a year ago, on Feb- ruary 29th. Now there ain't no February 29th this year, only February 28th. What they want to know is, does their anniversary, come on February 28th or March 1st ? What's that? No, no! You see, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson were mar- ried — what's that? Yes, married — got that? — they were married February 29th last year, and as there isn't no 29th this year, they wanted you to tell them whether their wed- ding anniversary comes on February 28th or March 1st. It can't be both of them days, and it must be one of them days — which is it? {Listens.) That's so! {Listens.) Sure it would be. {Listens.) I knew that you'd know. Bill. Thanks — yes, I'll visit you tomorrow all right. Give my love to Katie, the children and the last twins. What's that ? — you bet ! — ^goodbye ! {She hangs up the receiver, the oth- ers gather around her. Mary Ann rising from the tele- phone chair.) Bill says that your first wedding anniversary won't be for three years — till February 29th in the next leap-year. He says that he had a great-grandfather who married February 29th, and his great-grandfather had a wedding anniversary only once every four years. - Bill also told me he'd had three first wedding anniversaries. Well, I'm going into my kitchen now — but what'll I do about the din- ner? Shall I cook it tonight or shall I cook it tomorrow night ? Mr. R. {going to the table at center of room and turning on the lamp's light). Thank you very much for telephoning your cousin, Mary — er — Miss Cook — we'll let you know A PAPER WEDDING 17 about the dinner just as soon as we decide. (Mary Ann exits through door on right. Mr. R., gaily.) I guess that Bill, whoever he is, has the right of it. Since neither m\- wife nor I can agree upon what date our first wedding anni- versary comes, we had better wait until the next 29th of February. But, Priscilla, although we are unable to agree upon the exact day of our anniversary, we shall have to agree that I haven't forgotten that anniversary. {He draws a small case from his pocket and hands it to her.) Open it and see for yourself. (She opens the case and finds a handsome pearl necklace.) You will have to admit, my dear, that I didn't forget we were married ! Mrs. R. {rushing into his arms). Oh, John! Mr. R. {happily). It seems to me that three years are too long to wait for our first anniversary. I have already admitted we were married in February, and we might as well have our anniversary in February. Of course tomorrow is really the first anniversary of our wedding, but I have no objection to celebrating it tonight. Mrs. R. {smiling). No, Jack, today is really the first anniversary of our wedding, but I have no objection to cele- brating it tomorrow. Mr. R. {laughing) . Priscilla, my dear, let's compromise. Let us celebrate our first anniversary this very midnight — from eleven p. m., February the twenty-eighth, until one a. m. March the first! Curtain. Safety First By SHELDON PARMER Price, 25 Cents Farce-comedy, in 3 acts; 5 males, 5 females. Time, 2^, hours. Scenes: A parlor and a garden, easily arranged. A sprightly farce full of action and with a unique plot teeming with unex- pected turns and twists tliat will make the audience wonder "what on earth is coming next." Behind the fun and movement lurks a great moral: Always tell the truth to your wife. The cast includes three young men, a funny policeman, a terrible Turk, two young ladies, a society matron, a Turkish maiden and Mary O'Finnigan, the Irish cook. The antics of the terror-stricken husband, the policeman, the dude and the Irish cook start the audience smiling at 8:15 and send them home with aching sides from the tornado of fun at 10:40. Suitable for performance any- where, but recommended for lodges, clubs and schools. Not a coarse or suggestive line in the play. SYNOPSIS Act I. — Jack's lil suburban home. A misplaced husband. "He kissed me good-bye at eighteen minutes after seven last night, and I haven't laid eyes on him since." The Irish maid is full of sympathy but she imagines a crime has been committed. Elmer, the college boy, drops in. And the terrible Turk drops out. "Sure the boss has eloped wid a Turkey!" Jerry and Jack come home after a horrible night. Explanations. "We joined the Shriners, I'm the Exalted Imported Woggle and Jack is the Ba- zook!" A detective on the trail, "Warrants for John Doe, Richard Roe and Mary Moe. "We're on our way to Florida!" Act II. — A month later. Jack and Jerry reported drowned at sea. The Terrible Turk looking for Zuleika. The return of the prodigals. Ghosts! Some tall explanations are in order. "I never was drowned in all my life, was I, Jerry?" "We were lashed to a mast and we floated and floated and floated!" A couple of heroes. The Terrible Turk hunting for Jack and Jerry. "A Turk never injures an insane man." Jack feigns insanity. "We are leaving this roof forever!" The end of a perfect day. Act III. — Mrs. Bridger's garden. Elmer and Zuleika start on their honeymoon. Mabel forgives Jack, but her mamma does not. They decide to elope. Jerry's scheme Works, The two McNutts. "Me middle name is George Washington, and I cannot tell a lie." The detective falls in the well. "It's his ghost!" Jack and Jerry preparing for the elopement. Mary Ann appears at the top of the ladder, A slight mistake. "It's a burglar, mum, I've got him!" Tlie Terrible Turk finds his Zuleika. Happiness at last. Foiled, By Heck ! By FREDERICK G. JOHNSON Price, 25 Cents A truly rural drama, in 1 scene and several dastardly acts; 3 males, 3 females. Time, 35 minutes. Scene: The mortgaged home of the homespun drama, between sunup- and sundown. Characters: Reuben, a nearly self-made man. His wife, who did the rest. Their perfectly lovely daughter. Clarence, a rustic hero, by ginger! Olivia, the plaything of fate, poor girl. Syl- vester, with a viper's heart. Curses! Curses! Already he has the papers. A screaming travesty on the old-time "b'gosh" drama. T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO Lighthouse Nan By SHELDON PARMER Price, 25 Cents A sea-coast drama, in 3 acts; 5 males, 4 females. Time, 214 honrs. Scenes: 1 exterior, 1 interior. Its intense and human Story vibrates with startling- incident and heart-gripping situa- tions only relieved by the cleanest comedy. It tells the story of a little uneducated waif, mistreated and overworked but full of merriment and kind, natural sympathy for good. A star role for a soubrette, one of the best ever written and ranking with Sand's Fachon, Harte's M'liss. No g-reater role of this type has ever been offered to amateurs. The other parts are almost equally g'ood, leading man, Indian character heavy, dude, old man (gen- teel) and Ichabod Buzzer, a great part for a character comedian. The ladies' roles are Nan, the little waif, Moll Buzzer, an old hag, Hortense Enlow, an adventuress who makes good, and Lady Sarah, an aristocratic young- woman. The heart of the audience will beat in sympathy with the trials of Nan and rejoice at her ultimate triumph. SYNOPSIS Act T. — A Carolina lighthouse, 'long about sundown. Injun Jim starts trouble. "I'm an Injun, and an Injun never forgets a wrong!" Nan learns to read. The locket. "That's the face I always dream about. Do you reckon she is my sure-enough mother?" The visitors from the city. Sir Arthur, the speculator. "I never seen a real live speckled-tater afore." Nan goes hunting- for a mollie cot- tontail and catches an Injun. "Stand right whar you are, or I'll blow 3'ou clean into Kingdom Come!" Act II. — Cap'n Buzzer and his mule January. "That 'ere mule gits more'n' more like my wife every day he lives." Nan bap- souses a biddy hen to keep her from setting-. Nan poses as a lady, with disastrous results. Ned finds his wild rose. "You talk jest like the Bible." Injun Jim's secret. "I am your father!" The disgrace of Hortense. Mr. Enlow decides to give Nan a chance and send her to school. Injun Jim and Nan. "Hands up, Injun Jim!" Act III. — Two years later, Mr. Enlow' s library on Christmas night. "Either she leaves this house tomorrow, or I leave it!" Nan comes home from boarding school. Ichabod and Moll visit the city. The Cap'n sits on the couch. "Holy mackerel, I thought I set on a cat." "January's got the heaves, old Sukey's got a calf, the old red hen's got ten little chicks and the blacksmith's wife's got twins. Population is shore a-growin'!" All is right at last; with the ringing of Christmas chimes comes peace on earth; good -will to men! A Watchs a Wallet and a Jack o£ Spades By LINDSEY BARBEE Price, 15 Cents Comedy; 3 males, 6 females. Time, 40 minutes. Scene: A living room. Three famous detectives are engaged to unravel the mystery of the disappearance of a roomer. At intervals a number of his personal belongings are returned by post. The wise sleuths discover bushels of clues that involve everybody and bring about a humorous climax. The case was the inven- tion of an imaginative girl in an attempt to secure material for a mystery play. French, Irish and colored servants help supply the fun. Will appeal to schools as there is no love theme. T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO An Old Fashioned Mother By WALTER BEN HARE. Pr!ce, 25 Cents The dramatic parable of a mother's love, in 3 acts; 6 males, 6 females, also the village choir or quartet and a group of silent villagers. Time, 2^4 hours. One scene: A sitting room. A play of righteousness as pure as a mother's kiss, but with a moral that will be felt by all. Contains plenty of good, wholesome comedy and dramatic scenes that will interest any audience. Male Characters: The county sheriff; an old liypocrite; the selfish elder son; the prodigal younger son; a tramp and a. comical coun- try boy. Female Characters: The mother (one of the greatest sympathetic roles ever written for amateurs); the village belle; the sentimental old maid; the good-hearted hired girl; a village gossip and a little girl of nine. Especially suited for church, Sunday school, lodge or school performance. SYNOPSIS. Act. I. — The Good Samaritan. Aunt Debby's farmhouse in late March. Tlie Widder rehearses the village choir. Sukey in trouble with the old gray tabby cat. "Slie scratched me. I was puttin' flour on her face for powder, jest like you do!" Lowisy Custard reads her original poetry and Jerry Gosling drops in to see if there are to be any refreshments. "That's jest what maw says!" Lowisy and Jonali pass the fainting tramp by the wayside and Deborah rebukes them with the parable of the Good Samaritan. The tramp's story of downfall due to drink. "A poor piece of driftwood blown hither and thither by the rough winds of ad- versity." John, Deborah's youngest son, profits by tlie tramp's experience. "From this moment no drop of liquor shall ever pass my lips." John arrested. "I am innocent, and when a man can face his God, he needn't be afraid to face tlie law!" Act II. — A Mother's Love. Same scene but three years later, a winter afternoon. "Colder'n blue and purple blazes and snowin' like sixty." Jerry's engagement ring. "Is it a di'mond? Bf it ain't I'm skun out of two shillin'." "I been sparkin' her fer nigh onto four years, Huldy Sourapple, big fat gal, lives over at Hookworm Crick." Deborah longs for news from John, the boy who was taken away. The Widder gossips. "I never seen sich a womern!" "You'd thinlc she was a queen livin' in New York at the Walled-off Castoria." Lowisy is disappointed in Brother Guggs and decides to set her cap for Jonah. Deborah mortgages the old home for Charley and Isabel. The sleighing party. "Where is my wandering boy tonight?" The face at the window. Enoch and John. "I've been weak and foolisli, a thing of scorn, laughed at, mocked at, an ex-convict with the shadow of the prison ever before me, but all tliat is passed. From now on, with the help of God, I am going to be a man!" Act III. — The Prodigal Son. Two years later. Deborah bids farewell to the old home before she goes over the hills to the poorhouse. "The little home where I've lived since John brought me home as a bride." The bitterest cup' — a pauper. '"It ain't right, it ain't fair." Gloriana and the baby. "There ain't nothin' left fer me, nothin' but the poorhouse." Tlie sherifE comes to take Aunt Deb over the hills. "Your boy ain't dead. He's come back to you, rich and respected. He's here!" The return of the prod- igal son. Jerry gets excited and yeils, "Glory Hallelujah!" The joy and happiness of Deborah. "Honor thy father and thy mother that thy days may be long in the land." T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Larse Catalogue Free M. F. Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 2J4 hrs. (25c) 6 18 Trip to Storyland, 1% hrs.(25c) 17 23 Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2% hrs.(25c) 8 3 Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 hrs (2Sc) 7 10 When Smith Stepped Out, 3 acts, 2 hrs (3Sc) 4 4 Winning Widow, 2 acts, 1J4 hrs. (25c) 2 4 Women Who 'Did,' l" hi- ! '. '. (25c) 17 FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. Price IS Cents Each All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 April Fools, 30 min 3 Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 Aunt Harriet's Night Out, 35 min 1 2 Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 Billy's Mishap, 20 min. 2 3 Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 Country Justice, 15 min 8 Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 Divided Attentions, 35 min... 1 4 Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 Getting Rid of Father, 20 min. 3 1 Gi-eat Sledical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min.. 12 Hans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 Lottie Sees It Through, 35 min. 3 4 Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 Pat, the Apothecary, , 35 min.. 6 2 Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min. 6 3 Please Pass the Cream, 20 min. 1 1 Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 Shadows, 35 min 2 2 Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 Smith's Unlucky Day, 20 min.. 1 1 Taking Father's Place, 30 min.. 5 3 That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 Too Miich of a Ciood Thing, 45 min. 3 6 Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 Two Ghosts in White, 20 min . . 8 M. F. Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. 3 2 Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 Watch, a Wallet, and a Jack of Spades, 40 min 3 6 Whole Truth, 40 min 5 4 Who's the Boss? 25 min 3 6 Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. S 2 Wrong Baby, 25 min ' 8 VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MON- OLOGUES. ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. Price IS Cents Each Amateur, 15 min 1 1 At Harmony Junction, 20 min. 4 Axin' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.lO Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 2 Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 Coming Claampion, 20 min.... 2 Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m.l4 Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 Darktown Fire Brigade, 25 min. 10 Doings of a Dude, 20 min.... 2 1 For Reform, 20 min 4 Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2 1 Glrckman, the Glazier, 25 min. 1 1 Good Mornin' Judge, 35 min.. 9 2 Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 Hey, Rube! 15 min I Home Run, 15 min 1 1 Hungry, 15 min 2 Little Miss Enemy, 15 min.... 1 1 Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 Memphis Mose, 25 min 5 1 Mischievous Nigger, 25 min.. 4 2 Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min 1 1 Oh, Doctor! 30 min 6 2 One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 Pete Yansen's Gjirl's Moder, 10m. 1 Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 Si and I, 15 min 1 Special Sale, 15 min 2 Street Faker, 15 min 3 Such Ignorance, 15 min 2 Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 Time Table, 20 min 1 1 Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 Umbrella Mender, 15 min.... 2 What Happened to Hannah, 15m. 1 1 A great number of Standard and Amateur Plays not found here are listed In Denlson's Cataloeue T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,Publishers.154W. Randolph St., Chicago LIBRARY OF CONGRESS POPULAR ENTERTAINMI Price, Illustrated Paper Covers, 3S IN this Series are found books touching every feature in the enter- tainment field. Finely made, good paper, clear print and each book has an attractive individual cov- — er design. A Partial List DIALOGUES All Sorts of Dialogues. Selected, fine for older pupils. Catchy Comic Dialogues. Very clever; for young people. Children's Comic Dialogues. From six to eleven years of age. Country School Dialogues. Brand new, original. Dialogues for District Schools. For country schools. Dialogues from Dickens. Thirteen selections. Friday Afternoon Dialogues. Over 60,000 copies sold. From Tots to Teens. Dialogues and recitations. Humorous Homespun Dialogues. For older ones. Little People's Plays. From 7 to 13 years of age. Lively Dialogqes. For all ages; mostly humorous. Merry Little Dialogues. Thirty-eight original selections. When the Lessons are Over. Dialogues, drills, plays. Wide Awake Dialogues. Original successful. SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES ■> Choice Pieces for Little People. A child's speaker. The Comic Entertainer. Recitations, monologues, dialogues. Dialect Readings. Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. The Favorite Speaker. Choice prose and poetry. The Friday Afternoon Speaker. For pupils of all ages. Humorous Monologues. Particularly for ladies. Monologues for Young Folks. Clever, humorous, original. ~ 017 400 Monologue „^^ .^ . Dramatic and humorous. Scrap- Book Recitations. Choice collections, pathetic, hu- morous, descriptive, prose, poetry. 15 Nos., per No. 85c DRILLS The Best Drill Book. Very popular drills and marches. The Favorite Book of Drills. Drills that sparkle with originality. Little Plays With Drills. For children from 6 to 11 years. The Surprise Drill Book. Fresh, novel, drills and marches, SPECIALTIES The Boys' Entertainer. Monologues, dialogues, drills. Children's Party Book. Invitations, decorations, games. The Christmas Entertainer. Novel and diversified. The Days We Celebrate. Entertainments for all the holidays. Good Things for Christmas. Recitations, dialogues, drills. Good Things for Sunday Schools. Dialogues, exercises, recitations. Good Things for Thanksgiving. A gem of a book. Good Things for Washington and Lincoln Birthdays. Little Folks' Budget. Easy preces to speak, songs. One Hundred Entertainments. New parlor diversions, socials. Patriotic Cejebrations. Great variety of material. Pictured Readings and Tableaux. Entirely original features. Pranks and Pastimes. Parlor games for children. Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, Charades, and how to prepare. Tableaux and Scenic Readings. New and novel; for all ages. Twinkling Fingers and Sway- ing Figures. For little tots. Yuletide Entertainments. A choice Christmas collection. MINSTRELS, JOKES The Black-Face Joker. Minstrels' and end men's gags. A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. Monologues, stump speeches, etc. Laughland,via the Ha-Ha Route. A merry trip for fun tourists,*' Negro Minstrels. All about the business. The New Jolly Jester. Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. Large Illustrated Cataloeue Free T.S. DENISON & COIVIPANY,Publi$hers,154 W. Randolph St., Chicago