Class BnnV PinSkl C^mM " S^'Zdi COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 'h^j^U- ikiU- ^.3 . \i^i^^^s:t:^ss^iS!t^ssii^sSSi:t^kss!^§i 1 THE ADMIRAL | 1 OF THE DRY | 1 P i 1 i 1 i i p i * l^ssSS^^ssS^ik^^S^s^^^S^s^^^s^. * I JOHN DEARING THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY A COMEDY IN THREE ACT BY JOHN DEARING INTER-CITY PRESS - NEW YORK, N. Y. c^"^ ^^^>'^ .^^:'-" COPYRIGHT, 1922 BY JOHN DBARING 'cm c;n3o m 20 1922 "VL^ I THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY A Play in Three Acts By John Dearing Persons in the Play: John Volstead A Bootlegger Jack His Son Dougal Henchman to John Volstead Jonathan Henchman to John Volstead Admiral Matilda Cabot of the U. S. Dry Navy Bosun Jane of the U. S. Dry Navy Gunner Jemima of the U. S. Dry Navy Princess of Wales. PuTAN Take Hindu Servant of Princess Action takes place in Tarpon Island, a British possession three miles off the Florida Coast in the year 2020 A. D. Scene — A cocoanut-grove in the garden of John Volstead's villa near the seashore. THE FIRST ACT THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY ACT I (Scene, Tarpon Island, the most westernly of the Bahama group. A cocoanut grove in the garden of John Volstead's villa, near the seashore. Lianas, orchids and tropical vegetation bathed in bright sunshine. Prow of a boat on one side and propeller of an aeroplane on the other showing from wings. J. V. adeep in a hammock from which the receiver of a wireless telephone dangles. Two of J. V.'s henchmen, one a Scot and the other . a Kentuckian are busy broaching cocoanuts and filling them from bottles of whiskey that they take out of a case marked "Johnny Walker." Time of the afternoon siesta in the tropics. Year 2020 A. p. The two men continue their task of uncorking bottles and filling the cocoanuts, for a minute or two, without talking. They grunt a little as they pitch the filled nuts into a box. John Volstead wakes with a yawn and walks towards them swishing a cane. He is a well preserved man of about sixty in a palm-beach suit and Panama hat. A heavy army revolver hangs from his belt.) John Volstead. Dougal, where's my son Jack? DouGAL. He left us about half an hour ago, Mr. Volstead. John Volstead. Still reading his poetry books, instead of at- tending to business. Hells Bells! We live in a sentimental age, now the World is ruled by women. Who's going to brand those cases of cocoanuts and stencil the correct addresses on them. [Takes out a note book and reads.'] Isaac Izenstein, Hotel of the Pleasant Passover, Puritan Avenue, Forest Hills. Let's see — how many does Izzy want this week. Ten-eighteen-twelve-thirty-f our ! With the rest that will mean one hundred cases. Izzy's one of my best custom- ers, and I don't wish to disappoint him. If my distinguished ancestor, the founder of all bootlegging business, could see what a lazy good- for-nothing fellow Jack is he'd turn in his grave! Jonathan. Say, Boss, do leave the young fellow alone. He's all right. I'll stencil the cases and they sure will catch tonight's flyer. J.-V. Hells Bells! You tarnation idiot. Don't you know Forest 1 2 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [acti Hills is in the heart of New York City. Let me remind you this is the year two thousand and twenty. Jonathan. What about it, Mr. Volstead? [J.-V. shows considerable ariffer. DouGAL. He's thinking that it will be preferable to write the address in Hebrew. Dinna ye ken that the New York Post Office doesna deliver parcels addressed in English, or at any rate the con- signment will be delayed till the address is deciphered by an inter- preter. All addresses for New York, Boston and Philadelphia should be written in the language of the Prophet Moses. Man, Jonathan, if you had been as long at this job as me y'ed ken Mr. Volstead was entirely right. [Enter Jack. J.-V. Where have you been ? You lazy good-for-nothing son of a sea pistol! Jack. I was admiring the azure-tinted sea as the Caribbean waves rolled over from Florida to this Island, the rainbow colored fishes in the lagoon, the heavenly white of the seagulls' wings. Oh father, with what glorious full-throated song the mocking bird greets his mate. I was wondering .... J.-V. You always are .... Jack. I was wondering, father, why the male bird of a species is always larger and stronger and has much more gorgeous plumage than the female. In the human race it is otherwise. The cock, for example. How the brilliant plumaged chanticleer lords it over the hens . . . It is not so today in the human race. J.-V. [Gruffly,'\ The women have put it over 'us. Jack. Oh, father, why was I born a man? I should have loved to have been a woman. Think of the opportunities open to them. J.-V. Well, bootlegging is not a bad profession. You are lucky to be born to inherit such an old established business as ours is. Jack. Indeed I am, father. J.-V. And you have had a good education. Did I not send you to Harvard? Cut out all that poetical nonsense. Did I send you to college to learn all that rubbish? Do you know what I sent you to Harvard for? Jack. I don't know, father, unless it was to learn Hebrew so that I could address packing cases of alcoholic stimulants to the Semitic districts of the United States. J.-V. Alcoholic stimulants be damned! Hootch! Hootch! Hootch! Take up your stencil and get to work! ACTi] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 3 Jack. [^Sitting down and addressing a packing case^l Alasl Father, I should have been an Elizabethan .... J.-V. Hells bells! Whatever for do you want to live in New Jersey ? Jack. I have lived six hundred years too late. Some say we of the twenty-first century live in a poetical age, but I doubt it. We all write poetry, but it is bad poetry. We all drink whiskey, but it is bad whiskey. How can nightingales live on peanuts. How can inspiration come through absorbing . . . hootch? DouGAL. What about Rabbie Burns? Jack. A thousand pardons, my good Dougal ... he was a great poet. Dougal. I mind those prophetic words of the bard: "Freedom and whiskey gang thegither." J.-V. Can your poetry and get on with your work. Confound you for a brace of windbags. Jack. \As he stencils the case.} Father, don't you think you arc a little severe. I didn't choose to be a bootlegger. J.-V. Tihere, there, my son, perhaps I was hard on you, but I naturally expect such great things of a Volstead. Think of the distinguished name you bear. Let me remind you that you are the great-great-great-great-grandson of the man whp gave his name to the 18th Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America. Volstead, the Patron Saint of our profession. Jack. Professor Cohen of Harvard says that we are descended from another branch of the family. He has looked up the records at Ellis Island. J.-V. [Indignantly.] What does he know abotit our family a£Eairs? Jack. Well, he's a Professor of Genealogy. He ought to know. J.-V. This is the flask the great Volstead used to drink from. I inherited it from my father. Some day it will be yours. Jack. These are old traditions lost in the mists of antiquity like Mayflower furniture — but it's grand to think one has great ancestors. We live on their deeds. Did our illustrious ancestor carry his flask on the hip ? J.-V. How should I know; perhaps they didn't have hip-pockets in those days. Jack. Speaking of our ancestors, I mean the real ones. Wasn't it Oley Volstead, my grandfather, who purchased Tarpon Island? J.-V. It was. Jack. That is why you and I are British subjects. 4 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [act i J.-V. Sure .... When my father, your grandfather; bought the island on which we are standing now, he found it necessary for business reasons, to renxDunce his American nationality and become a Britisher. It went very much against the grain with him. Jack. Then why did he do it? • J.-V. Well, he was a wine-merchant .... Jack. You mean a bootlegging one? .... J.-V. That's nothing to be ashamed of ! Jack. [Quickly.y Oi course not. J.-V. You and I, Jack, are straight Americans, although we are British subjects. [Wal^s up to a small Union J ack hanging from the unstepped mast of the boat and fingers it.'\ Yes, my son, this island is British today, but slowly little by little, a few inches every day, it is approaching the Florida Coast. • Jack. I have heard that before. In Oley Volstead's time how far was Tarpon Island from the United States ? J.-V. In those days it was five miles across the straits at high tide — a full two miles outside the Three Mile Limit fixed by international law as the limit of territorial waters. • Jack. How far is Tarpon Island distant now from the United States? J.^V. The last survey by Hutchins and Mutchins of Miami showed that at high tide it was three miles fifty yards away. In other words, Tarpon Island today is only fifty yards outside the Three Mile Limit. Jack. Well, we are not far off from Prohibition. Only fifty yards! - J.-V. The old harbor wall at Palm Beach has changed both the configuration of the mainland and of Tarpon Island. The coast of Florida is continually changing owing to drifting sand banks. Here where I stand is solid coral rock {^whispering confidentiallyl ; beneath our feet are ancient hootch cellars hollowed out by Oley Volstead, but over there not a hundred yards from us — d'y see that banana grove — [pointing] 1 used to swim in ten feet of water when I was a youngster. Jack. Only the sea is immutable! It never changes! J.-V. Cut it out! Can it! Jack. Oh father, you do hurt my feelings! J.-V. What has a bootlegger to do with such thoughts? You should think of improving our business. One of these days I shall send you to call on the vice-presidents of the New York Banks. Jack. Do you wish to borrow money? ACT i] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY | J.-V. No, lad, to sell them good, honest-to-God Scotch whiskey. Jack. Father, I should be too shy to approach all these grand ladies. [A pause. 1 Tell me, father, what will happen when this island is situated within the Three Mile Limit? J.-V. What will happen ? Why we shall be dry ! DouGAL. Dry ! Jonathan. Dry! J.-V. Sure! High and dry on the beach! DoUGAL. Will the fact that a British Island has drifted within the Three Mile Limit not lead to international complications be- tween England and the United States? Ye ken what they think o' Steamships bringing supplies of liquor into New York harbor. It seems to me it would give rise to a mair serious viewpoint if an Island instead of a steamship were to contravene the law. J.-V. The contingency has already been provided for. DouGAL. Is that so? J.-V. The Haines-Punchford treaty provides that in event of Tarpon Island changing its geographical position so that it is inside the American Three Mile Limit, Great Britain will exchange it for Penguin Island in Alaska. DouGAL. And, Mr. Volstead, will you no receive compensation, from the British Government for the loss to your business through Tarpon Island becoming dry? J.-V. I shall not require it of them. DouGAL. What for no? J.-V. I have a policy with Lloyds to cover the risk of Tarpon Island entering the Three Mile Limit of American Territorial waters. I shall receive one million dollars indemnity. DoUGAL. Isn't that fine? J.-V. But do not let us think of that my friends. The old estab- lished firm of Volstead owes a duty to its American customers and in the meantime we must supply their demands promptly and regularly. To work, my lads! Not for nothing the Seven Seas know me as the "Hootch King" [reflectivdy]. It would break my heart to have to leave Tarpon Island. I have never known another home ! DouGAL. That's the speerit. Heave ho ! [Lifts a case of cocoa- nuts.^ Jonathan. Shall we use the airship or the boat to run the cargo over to the mainland tonight ? The sea is rough ! J.-V. The boat, Jonathan my lad. You can brave the waves] 6 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [acti [The two men push off in the boat. The telephone bell of the wireless sounds and J.-V. snatches up the receiver. J.-V. Who's there? Voice. [Js through a megaphone or some form of amplifier.'] Walker's Distillery, Kilmarnock, Ayr, Scotland. Assistant Manager speaking! J.-V. How are you Johnny? Voice. Still going strong. J.-V. Put me on to the American Export Department. Book me for a thousand cases c. i. f. by undersea freighter of your "sqtiirrel brand." Jack. [Aside.] The sort of whiskey that makes you climb trees! Voice. An item of interest. J.-V. Make it snappy. Voice. Admiral Matilda Cabot of the United States Prohibition Navy has torpedoed and sunk our last sending of a thousand cases by the under-sea ship "Rikiavik." Jack. [Aside.] Matilda, dear Matilda! J.-V. Double my order and send it by air line route. Voice. I'll do that, Mr. Volstead. [Rings off.] Jack. We live in a wonderful age. What heights of perfection wireless has reached. You can ring tip anybody, anywhere, at any time. Our thoughts themselves are scarcely our own. J.-V. It's piracy on the High Seas. My clients will be dis- appointed. With the Dry Navy cruising in these waters I can get no insurance company to take the risk. The hootch is not covered by insurance. With whiskey at $10 a case wholesale Admiral Ma- tilda Cabot has cost me ten thousand dollars. I'll get even with her. I swear it. Zounds, if I lay hands on her I'll break every bone in her body. Jack. But think, father. Admiral Matilda Cabot is a full Ad- miral of the Prohibition Navy of the United States. Surely you won't harm her. It would take some courage to do so, I should say! J.-V. She is the curse of all honest seafaring bootleggers between Cape Race and Key West. Jack. Is it not Matilda's, I mean Admiral Matilda Cabot's duty to put down smuggling? J.-V. That's a nasty word. You accuse your father of being a smuggler. Jack. Smugglers, father, are picturesque and romantic charac- ters. They used to sail in -luggers and live in caves. ACT I] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY > J.-V. Romance be blowed. But if you want romance I tell you it's right here in Tarpon Island! As for caves, the coral rock of the island is honeycombed with hootch cellars. Wasn't it from this island that Blackbeard and his buccaneers preyed upon the Spanish Main. Red gold in galleons, bar silver all bloody after the fight. Men with hooks instead of hands. I've read books about 'cm. Smugglers used luggers. I use airships. I guess I'm as romantic as those tarnation smugglers, and an honest bootlegger to boot. If the U. S. customs 'd accept duty I'd be a wine merchant. In fact I am today a bootlegging wine merchant. Hells bells! Why should Admiral Matilda Cabot interfere with my business. Is it just? Is it right? Is it equitable? Hells Bells! Hells Bells! Hells Bells! Jack. But hark, I hear the sound of the bell. [Sings it like MacHeath in the Beggars Opera.] J.-V. Cut it out. Jack. Jack. All right, dad. J.-V. I love the excitement of this life. The pleasure of running a thousand cases of Scotch to irrigate that continent over there, right under the nose of the dry navy, is meat and drink to me. Jack. It certainly is drink! ....... J.-V. And meat as well, for we make our living by it. I love danger. Do you see that, lad? [Bares his forearm.] That's the mark of a bullet. I got it rum-running when I was scarce your age. Jack. Yes, father, I know you love danger. If there were no risk you'd have retired from business long ago. It's these desperate ventures that attract yoti. I wish I had your courage. I feel so meek! J.-V. Any flapper could knock you out in the first round. Why don't you go in for athletics . . . wrestling . . . boxing? [Puts up his fists.] Jack. Only girls do that these days. I wish that I had your courage. How well I remember your quelling a mutiny on the island when twelve of your dago rufiians led by Francesco Murillo demanded fifty cents a bottle instead of thirty-five for landing the goods. J.-V. Say, did'nt I scare 'em. They wished themselves a thousand light years out of my sight. I giiess Francesco still bears the marks of my hands on his throat. If it hadn't been for his garlic breath I'd have choked him. [Lights a cigar.] I'll treat Admiral Matilda Cabot the same way as I treated Francesco. See if I don't get even with her for sinking the "Rikiavik." $ THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [act i Jack. Father . . . surely . . . [jEatiV John Volstead] i . . [reflectively] . . . why Dad wouldn't dare to harm Matilda. She'd eat up a dozen men like him. Eat them up! I'll ask her not to devour dad. J.-V. [Re-entering excitedly.] Jack, I see Admiral Matilda Cabot's flagship, the "Sahara," steaming northward. If she only landed here. I'd get even with the hussy! [Rushes off the scene and shouts the alarm to DouGAL and Jona- than. Jack creeps up to the radio receiver. He turns the dial round several times till he obtains the correct number and finds himself in communication with the yeowoman of signals aboard the "Sahara." Jack. Is that the flagship "Sahara"? Voice. I'm the yeowoman of signals aboard her. Jack. I want to speak to the Admiral. Voice. Yes, sir. I'll put you through! Jack. Matilda, darling! I'm on Tarpon Island! Voice. You dear thing! Wait on the beach. I'll swim ashore as soon as we drop anchor. Ducky . . . duck . . . duck ! Jack. If my father knew that I was in love with Admiral Ma- tilda Cabot ! I'll get some dry towels ready. She hates to get her feet sandy. "Ducky . . . duck . - . duck" she called me, and she's going to swim ashore. In the old days Leander the Man swam to embrace Hero the Woman. Now in the 21st Century it is the woman who does the swimming. Women ! Women ! They rule the world. We men live only by their clemency. I feel quite shy. [Reappears with a 'lantern and a bath towel.] Ducky! duck! duck! [Sits down with his hands on his knees.] I'll wait for her. Tftiis light shall guide my Hero across the Hellespont to her Leander, [The curtain drops and as it rises Jack is found in the same position. Moonlight, which brightens slowly as the moon rises above the palm grove. The voice of a mocking bird is heard. The silhouettes of battleships pricked with points of light appear in the straits and on the Florida coast a 'lighthouse's beams revolve like the wings of a windmill. Jack. [Looking seawards.] I see her strong white arm cleaving the Caribbean sea. How she must love me to brave the fury of those white-capped waves. The waters, too, abound in man-eating sharks ! [Matilda appears. She is a fine buxom woman with a good figure; she is dressed in a red bathing costume. Matilda. Jack! ACTi] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 9 Jack. Dear Admiral! Matilda. Oh you darling boy (she throws her arms around him Jack. \_Facetioudy.'\ How dry we are! [tenders her half the bath-towel and dries his palm-beach suit with thg other half.] Matilda. Adored one! [Looks at him languorously.] Let us sit in the hammock. Jack. Do you think we ought? Matilda. Sure ! [They sit down in the hammock. Jack. Are your feet very sandy ? Matilda. Yes, darling. Jack. [Wiping them.] Now we are dry. Matilda. Thanks, dear. Jack. Why 1 declare your left foot is bleeding. [Appears horrified at the sight of blood.] Matilda. Probably a shark bit it or 1 stepped on a clam. It's nothing. Jack. What courage! Matilda. We girls didn't think much of such a small matter at the Naval Academy at Annapolis. Jack. I declare, your little toe is bitten off! Matilda. Nonsense ! Jack. [Reaching for the wireless.] Shall I call the fleet sur- geon Matilda. No Jack! She must not know I am here! Nobody must know that I am here! That is why I lowered myself down secretly through a torpedo port and swam ashore. If it were com- mon property in the Prohibition Navy that the Admiral had violated the 19th Amendment of the Constitution of the United States by kiss- ing out of doors and out of wedlock it would create a most terrible scandal. Jack. Would it, dear Admiral? Matilda. Yes, Jack, and it would be bad for discipline. Jack. But your poor toe. Matilda. I will grow another. Admiral Nelson lost an eye and an arm and won the Battle of Trafalgar. Surely I can lose one of my toes without hurting my career. Jack. You may get blood poisoning. Let me call the Fleet Surgeon ? Matilda. No, Jack. I would nut disturb the wine party she is giving in the officers' mess tonight. 10 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [act i Jack. I thought that the "Sahara" was dry — the flagship of the Dry Navy! Matilda. So she is, but I suspect she will not be tonight, as the Fleet Surgeon's last requisition of wines for medicinal use was large enough to float a jolly-boat full of husky sailor girls bound for shore to show their beaux a good time. I surmise Fleet Surgeon Antonia Trollope is blind to the world already and if I did call her would probably amputate my leg to save my toe. [Various amorous demonstrations lasting about twenty seconds. Jack. Tell me, dear Admiral, why you did not come ashore in a boat. You had only to give the word and a dozen motor launches would have been dropped from the davits of the "Sahara." Was all this secrecy really necessary? Matilda. Well . . . Jack. [Shaking a finger at her.'\ We men are shrewd observers of the workings of the female mind. Matilda. I do not doubt it. Psycho Analysis is the weapon of the weak .... Jack. But I love you all the more for what you have done. Confess, my darling, that you swam ashore through these shark- infested waters that I might admire your courage. Matilda. Oh, Jack. How you men read our hearts. Jack. But I am, I hope, a real man and I love you for this proof of love, but promise me you won't swim back. Matilda. Jack, if you send me away I swear I will! Jack. How wonderful. You have such power and yet you seem, well .... must I say it — well you seem so devoted to me. Matilda. Of course I am, my boy . . . and yet, Jacky darling, although I possess all the power that Congress confers upon me as "Admiral of the Dry" I am mortally afraid of breaking the 19th Amendment of the Constitution of the United States relating to osculation off the premises and out of wedlock. Jack. Matilda, darling what what is oscula- tion? Matilda. Oh, you dear, innocent, little creature. [Kisses him violently. 1 This . . . that ... is osculation! Jack. My heart is broken as well as the Nineteenth Amendment. Do it again, dear Admiral! Matilda. My darling . . . and . . . so . . . you . . . love me [Looks at him adoringly.^ Jack. Isn't it nice breaking the laws! Matilda. Oh you duck. I could crush you in my arms. ACTi] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 11 Jack. How strong your arms are, Matilda. Have you kissed another man as you kiss me? Matilda. No, darling. You are the first. Seawomen have no time for such frivolities. Jack. And yet, dear Matilda, I have heard strange stories of seawomen. A husband in every port. We poor, poor men, It is not possible that you could kiss so well if I were the first. Your lips seem to possess this magic touch through long practice. I have heard Matilda. [Curtly.} You men have nothing to do but sit at home and talk scandal. There . . . there . . . don't cry. Let mc tell you how I love you. Jack. Dear one. Matilda. [Singinff.'] Jack's the boy for me. Jack. How handsome you are . . . tell me, Matilda, when you received my message over the wireless, what were you doing? I long to know. Matilda. How well I remember. At the moment I was busy writing my dispatches to the Secretary of the Navy relating to my action of the 21st ultimo in torpedoing the Danish undersea ship "Rikiavik" seven days out of the Port of Glasgow and bound for Bimini in the Bahamas. I had just finished dictating these dis- patches when Clarence . . . Jack Clarence ... a man on your vessel ! I thought there were only women. Who is he? Matilda. Oh, he is only my stenographer. Jack. I didn't know you had a man stenographer. Matilda. We call him an amanuensis on the ship's pay roll. Jack. What an old-fashioned word. Matilda. The Navy has its ancient traditions and we must respect them. Jack. But I didn't know there was a man on the "Sahara" . . . a man amanuensis . . . Matilda. [Laughing.'] Do you expect him to be a woman? No woman would be stenographer or a-man Jack. . ., u — en — sis Matilda. Thanks. Jack. Of course not, we are in the twenty-first century. Matilda. The world, led by the Woman's Clubs of America, has hoisted the banner of female revolt which today has spread all over the globe, even to Turkey, and China, and India. Jack. True. 12 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [acti Matilda. Yes, and Africa. Jack. Really. Matilda. Yes, indeed ... in Mohammedan countries the women are no longer cooped up in harems. Jack. I suppose not. Matilda. No siree ! A woman over there keeps her husbands in a harem. Jack. How cruel of her. Matilda. In Salt Lake City the tables have been turned and a she-Mormon sits down to dinner with her Mormon husbands who do the cooking and washing up, and mind the babies. I mean the baby. Jack. [Innocently.l Do the women still give birth to children or do the men give birth to them now? Matilda. No, that has not been altered. You talk nonsense . . . but I am digressing. Let me tell you what I was doing when I received your wireless message. Jack. Yes, darling. How I want to know . . . everything . the precise minute . . . what you were doing . . . what you were thinking about. Matilda. As I said before, the moment I received your message I was busy dictating my dispatches to the Secretary of the Navy on the subject of my action in sinking by torpedo the Danish undersea boat "Rikiavik" of ten thousand tons, laden with a cargo of mixed drinks exceeding in strength the half of one per cent allowed by the so-called Volstead Act of last century. Suddenly Clarence called my attention to the red light in my cabin above the emergency fire control of our forward battery. "Someone to speak to you. Admiral," said he, looking up at the indicator. "Shall I put you through?" I re-read the sentence in my report ending with "ten thousand cases of Scotch" and slowly took up the receiver. Judge of my delight when I heard your sweet voice over those leagues of sea water. I immediately gave instructions to the Fleet to postpone our manoeuvers and changed the course of my flagship. The other three batttleships and five destroyers forming my squadron followed suit. It was a glorious sight to see the manner in which they were manoeuvered as the great ships and destroyers of the Dry Navy answered their helms and buffeted their way through the waves of a stiff nor-easter towards Tarpon Island. Little did I dream, darling, before I re- ceived your message, that you were so near. I thought you were still in college at Harvard. That was why the fleet was bound for Bostonian waters . . . but the Dry Fleet can conduct its ma- ACTi] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 13 noeuvers equally well off the coast of Florida . . . and it will save several ounces of radium to Auntie Sam for fuel. Jack. In the old days they called her Uncle Sam. Matilda. Was that not an insult to the Republic? The women must have been asleep. Jack. [Feebly.] But men were a little mote liberal minded, weren't they, in the days of their rule. Was not the Statue of Liberty they put up at the entrance to New York harbor a female figure? Matilda. Well, it's still standing . . . men only do things by halves. If we women reform we reform properly. Out and out. We're out and outers. Jack. Isn't the old Statue of Liberty somewhat delapidated? I've never seen it, but my father says so. Matilda. Well, its all right . . . but the Navy's going to tow it out to sea and use it as a target for gunnery practice, since the women made a new one, very much larger, higher, indeed, than the old bridge across the Hudson at New York ... a thousand feet high or more. Jack. I'd love to see the new Statue of Liberty ... of cotirse the old one was out of date. It represented old-fashioned ideals . . . but are you sure that it is right to scrap it? Matilda. Sure. We're out and outers. Jack. I should love to see New York. I have friends at Forest Hills. They live in the fortieth floor of an apartment house in Puritan Avenue, next door to the Passover Hotel. Matilda. I'll disguise you as a woman and you shall come aboard my flagship. I'll sail for New York. Jack. I really couldn't think of it. It wouldn't be respectable. Matilda. A fig I care about respectability. I only care about breaking the Prohibitory Laws. I have no other moral code. Why should I worry ... of course they might get me under the Mann Act if I took you aboard — taking a man from one state to another is a serious offence. Jack. Don't you think that there are too many of these Blue Laws? Matilda. No, of course not. Don't you and I live by them? Jack. What do you mean? Matilda. Aren't you a bootlegger? Jack. Well, I address the cases of nuts for my father. Yes, I suppose I am. Matilda. And am I not the Admiral of the Dry? 14 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [acti Jack, [Looking at her with admiration.'] Yes, dear. Oh, darling, what a strange happening that an Admiral of the Dry Navy should $all in love with a bootlegger. Matilda. I have a great admiration for bootleggers. Of course I wage war on them, but they keep me in "rum." Jack. What? Do you drink "rum"? Matilda. I sure do. Try me ! [Jack leaves the hammock and picks up a cocoanut. Jack. Try this brand. It's "Johnny Walker" as supplied to the Hotel of the Pleasant Passover, Forest Hills. Matilda. Must I drink it out of a cocoanut like an anthropoid ape? Jack. Yes, dear Admiral. Matilda. I suppose. Jack, it was your ancestor who taught the human race to drink out of nuts like gorillas in an African jungle. Jack. My alleged ancestor perhaps . . . how funny you look drinking out of a cocoanut. [Claps his hands in delight. Matilda. Well, isn't it appropriate? Jack. Why ? Matilda. We are all descended from monkeys . . . or at least Darwin says so . . . Jack ! I'd like to show yoti my wine- cellar aboard the "Sahara." Jack. An oasis in the Sahara, I suppose. Matilda. After we capture a prize the choicest wines and cordials in the vessel's hold are reserved for my table. Oi course I go fifty-fifty with the Sec. Jack. Do you . . . Who's the Sec? Matilda. I mean Mrs. Josephus, the Secretary of the Navy in Washington. Jack. Oh, I see . . . Aren't you feeling cold after your swim? Matilda. I was, but this "rum" has warmed me up . . . it's like cream. Your father deals in the right goods ... a little diluted perhaps. Jack. Worth-while people expect the best . . . dear Admiral. Why don't you send for your uniform in case you catch a chill? Can't I wireless? Matilda. Well, I am feeling a little cold. In the tropics it gets very cool immediately after sundown, and then warms up later. Jack. [Takes up the wireless receiver and shouts.} Send the Ad- miral's kit ashore! ACTi] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY V5 Matilda. I shall be suspected of breaking the 18th and 19th Amendments if any of the ship's company find me here. Jack. That's all right. [Hands her a cigarette.^ Here you are ... break the 20th as well ! Matilda. I will brave their censure. The cocoanut has given me courage. \Kisses Jacki\ Jack. As well to be caught for a sheep as a lamb. Matilda. A thought has just struck me! Jack. What is it? Matilda. I have not violated the 18th Amendment by drinking from this cocoanut. Jack, No ? Matilda. ... or broken the 19th by kissing you. Jack. No ? Matilda. ... or transgressed against the 20th by smoking this cigarette. Jack, Really . . . so it doesn't seem so nice? Matilda. No, I have not. I am perfectly in order. My conduct is irreproachable. Why . , . we are outside the Three Mile Limit ! Jack, Yes, Matilda . . . you are fifty yards outside it. Tarpon Island is three miles and fifty yards from the Florida Coast . . . wont you give me another kiss before you change into your Admiral's uniform? Matilda. Yes, darling. [Embraces him fondly.] .... . . . . I'll be back in a brace of shakes when I've changed into naval togs. Don't be frightened at being left alone. I gave the strictest instructions that all hands were to remain aboard the fleet so that we could enjoy complete privacy. No sailorwomen of the Dry Fleet will molest you. You have no cause for apprehension. Nol a liberty woman from the fleet will be on Tarpon Island tonight. Jack. Hark . . . Matilda. What is it? Jack. I heard a crash in that palm thicket. Matilda. My suit case dropped from an aeroplane. I'll change and be back in a few minutes. That palm grove will be my boudoir. My mirror the moonlit lagoon. Jack. No women of the Dry Fleet will cause me embarrassment while you are away? Matilda. No woman of the fleet dare disobey my orders and come ashore. Discipline aboard my squadron is perfect. Should I catch a woman disobeying my commands I'd string her to the yard arm or electrocute her on the "Sahara's" dynamo. [Throws a kiss and departs, leaving Jack alone. THE SECOND ACT ACT II Jack. How lonely I feel . . . what a long time Admiral Matilda takes to change into uniform. Perhaps she's lost a cuff button. [Shades his eyes and looks seawards.^ There are the great vessels of the Admiral's fleet lying at anchor with a single searchlight from the flagship playing on the straits between Tarpon Island and Florida. What would Leif Ericson the Viking, the first discoverer of America, think of such great iron vessels, twinkling with a myriad of red and white lights . . . protecting his beloved Wineland . . . and to think that Admiral Maltilda Cabot who commands this great squadron of fighting ships . . . loves me ... it would make any man proud. \_A paused] I always was ambitious . . . before I knew Matilda I used to wish that I were the Princess of Wales. Her mother, the Queen of England, sends her all over the world on a great battleship called the "Renown." She visits India, Canada, the United States, Egypt and Russia. Tihe Re- publics of the World entertain her and fete her wherever she goes. She hunts tigers, plays polo, and sticks pigs. She is the greatest Ambassadress of the British Empire and is going to settle the Irish Question once and for all. I have a great admiration for her . . . but she cannot compare with Matilda. The Princess in part owes her greatness to an accident of birth, while Admiral Matilda Cabot has risen to her high position by sheer merit and personality. Why, her mother sold salt cod in Boston and her father, before he was married, was a telephone operator in some New York hotel . . . How I love her. {A pause.] I remember when I was at Harvard one Hallowe'en night I slept with a slice of wedding cake under my pillow, and strangely enough I dreamed of a woman of high rank in the naval service who solicited my hand. After all, there is some compensation in being a man in the twenty-first century. The women do show us a good time, pay for our meals at restaurants, buy us bouquets and take us out to theatres. Dear Matilda . . . dear Admiral . . . [throws a kiss towards the palm grove] . . . I do long to see you in your uniform . . . What a tinie you take to change . . . [sfops abruptly] . . . What is that noise . . . who is there? [Appears frightened.] 16 ACT II] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 17 [Enter Dougal and Jonathan, arm in arm with two sailor women of the Dry Navy. The Boatswain is dressed as a sailor and the gunner in the uniform of a marine. A full "rum" bottle in yellow and two empty glasses in white, the insignia of the Prohibition Navy, are sewn on the back of the bosun s collar and on the back of the marine's tunic. These badges of the Dry Navy only become visible when the women turn their backs, which they do after the lapse of a minute or two. Gunner Jemima. Cheery ho, my lads. Say ! We are in clover. Here's where the cocoanuts grow . . . Johnny Volstead's bottles. Dougal. [Noticing Jack.] I'll thank you. Jack, to absent your- self. You widnae want to play gooseberrie. We intend to hae a wee entertainment all to oorselves. Jack. I'll go, Dougal . . . I'll go! Jonathan. You wont tell your father, Mr. Volstead, what we're doing? Jack. Trust me; a man can keep a secret . . . I'm going now Bosun Jane. Well some men can. Come here, my pretty lad. [Attempts to kiss Jack^ who eludes the she-Bosun s embrace and escapes. Jack. Admiral Matilda! Admiral Matilda! One of your sailors has tried to kiss me ! Gunner. Let's sit down on the turf together and have a moon- light picnic. [They all sit down in positions appropriate to such an occasion. Bosun. Gunner, tell the lads how we sunk the booze ship last Monday. Gunner. [Modesttly.l You tell them. Bosun . . . You saw the affair better than I did. You was on the bridge with Admiral Matilda. Bosun. There's nothing to it . . . 'twas an every-day inci- dent . . . booze ships are plentiful in these waters. We sink them all and send them to D. Jones's locker. Heigh ho, and a bottle of rum! But I'll spin you the yarn. [Hitches up her trousers and produces a corn-cob pipe.^ Gunner. Avast there, you old polecat. You're breaking the 20th Amend ! Bosun. Shiver my timbers hearty. We're outside the Three Mile Limit! See that flag? This island is the property of Queen Fictitia the Fourth, Queen of England and Empress of India. [Picks up a 18 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [actii cocoanut.] I'll drink the old lady's health . . . gents and Gun- ner! Gunner. Coupled with that of her daughter the Princess of Wales ! All together ! The Princess of Wales ! Bosun. She's a great friend of Admiral Matilda . . . they played golf together at Monte Carlo . . . when the fleet visited the Mediterranean last Fall. I acted as caddie. DouGAL. I hear the British battle-cruiser "Renown" with the Princess aboard is somewhere in these seas steaming for the Panama Canal en route for India. The Princess of Wales is making another tour in those parts. Bosun. That's true, and I have it from the Yeowoman of Signals aboard the "Sahara" that the Princess and Admiral Matilda have had many a talk together over the wireless telephone during the last few days. I should say the "Renown" at the present moment was in the 25th parallel in longitude 77.85 East, which position would place her about 150 miles from Tarpon Island. I wonder if the Princess will pay Admiral Matilda Cabot a visit. Jonathan. Well, the Princess of Wales has a soft job anyway . . . You ladies must be feeling dry in this tropical climate. Bosun. You've said a mouthful. DouGAL. [Breakinff open a box of cocoanutsJ] Good mountain dew of Glenlevit, lassies, from the hills and moors of bonny Scotland. The land of the Mountains, the Valleys, and the Heroes! {^Sings. Pherson had a Son. Married Noah's Daughter! Nearly spoilt the Flood by drinking up the water. I at least believe it . . . if it had have been Mix. . . .ed . . . with . . . Glenlevit! Bosun. Well sung, my lad . . . and I'll take a drop of Glenlevit. DouGAL. Thankee kindly! Gunner. What about the sinking of the booze ship. Bosun? Bosun. There's nothing to it. Gunner, a mere piker's job . . . She would not heave to when our Admiral fired a shot across her bows and she tried to submerge. So we sunk her with gunfire and torpedo. Gunner. I'll tell you a secret, Bosun. Bosun. Go ahead. A woman can keep a secret. Gunner. We missed the booze ship with the first four torpedoes and the first sixteen rounds from our big guns. Bosun. That was bad shooting ACTii] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 19 Gunner. I put on a new hand to lay the guns and sight the torpedo. Bosun. [Interested.l Who was she? Gunner. Hist. It wasn't a "she." Bosun. Is that so ... a male gunner. Did he fire that peach of a shot I saw from the bridge. I didn't know we had a man on the "Sahara" . . . except . . . Clarence . . . the Admiral's typewriter. Gunner. It was him. That's the secret! Bosun. Gee wizz ... I never should have dreamt itl Gunner. Men are certainly going some. Bosun. I should say they were . . . but I've heard it said that in the old days men were better shots than women. They used to practice on barn doors and haystacks. Gunner. [Gallantly.] It's something to do with their eyes. [Looking aP Jonathan.] Men have such pretty eyes! Bosun. You'd better not let on too much about Clarence's shoot- ing. If the Admiral heard about it she'd haul you over the coals for letting a man go near the sixteen inch guns, and why if Mrs. Josephus, the Secretary of the Navy, learnt about it she'd demote us all, and put men in our places for the sake of economy. Gunner. Come now, Bosun, it's not as bad as that. It is not men's work to handle artillery. \_All laugh at the idea. Jonathan. Tell us about the Battle of Tripoli, Bosun. Bosun. Sure, Jonathan ! Give me something to wet my whistle. [Takes a drink.] It was this way. I'm no politician but the battle of Tripoli took place, if I'm not mistook, over the question of the 20th Amendment of the Constitution of the United States relating to the Prohibition of Tobacco, The Toorks was a trying to send shiploads of Turkish tobacco from Cavalla in Macedonia and from Smyrna in Asia Minor into Mexico with the obvious purpose of re-exporting the weed into the smokeless territory of Auntie Sam in violation of our Constitution. They got fair warning, and it was up to them! Mrs. Woodrow Harding sent the Sultana Fatitna Kamel at least ten notes and three ultimatums . . . Gunner. What's an ultimatum . . . Bosun. You've got me, lass, I don't know . . . but our lady President sent three. That will be two years ago . . . the 30th of January . . . two-o-one-eight. DouGAL. Sounds like a telephone number! Bosun. The year two-o-one-eight or two thousand and eighteen 20 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [actii is two years ago and the Battle of Tripoli was fought on a Friday on the 30th of January, and the day after tomorrow will be its second anniversary. At the beginning of January, two-o-one-eight, Ad- miral Matilda Cabot's squadron was acruising off the coast of Spain watching the sherry wine vintage. Them Spaniards require some watching too ! Take it from me ! I was on one or two of our landing parties that blew up bodegas ... as they call the sherry ware- houses in those furring parts. We was taking no chance of any sherry being landed in America. You see we had sent Spain an ulti- matum the week before. That's why we sent landing parties to blow up the bodegas! DouGAL. I mind that fine ... it was two years since. Bosun. Well, as I just said, Admiral Matilda's squadron was cruising off Spain when instructions came from Washinigton, and her fleet sailed under sealed orders, which when opened at sea told us to seize the Turkish Merchant Fleet, laden with tobacco, anchored in the Bay of Tripoli in Asia Minor. The merchantmen were under strong Turkish escort comprising seven battleships and eight destroy- ers. Barbarossa Beava Hanem was the name of the Turkish Ad- miral . . . cause her dad had a red beard. The land batteries of Tripoli were strongly placed and linked up to the Toorks' squadron so that Barbarossa Beava Hanem could discharge the guns by wire- less. There was 120,000 hogsheads of tobacco aboard the Turkish merchant ships awaiting to sail . . . about three years' crop of four vilayets as they call the states in those furring parts. Say . . . that was a day glorious in the history of the Dry Navy! Gunner, I should say it was. Bosun! Bosun. I was standing at attention in the conning tower of the "Sahara" awaiting orders. Admiral Matilda Cabot was looking over a chart of the Bay of Tripoli. The Turkish shells from the shore batteries was abursting all round us sending spouts of water as high as the old Hudson Bridge when they hit the sea. 'Tive fathoms over the bar," says Admiral Matilda, just as cool as if she waur playing chess . . . "it'll just float the "Lex Prohibita." I'll risk it. Bosun Jane," says she . . . "give me a lucky strike cig- arette." "They're toasted," says I, handing her one. "So they are, Bosun," says she . . . "and so'll be the Fatimas afore I've done with them" . . . and with that she ordered our forward bat- teries to open on the Toorks, and they roared like thunder and belched out death and destruction on the enemy. I watched Admiral Matilda's hand as she lit the cigarette I'd given her. Did it shake? No, my lads ! It was as steady as mine is now, as I hold this damned ACT II] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 21 nut . . . and then she turns to me and says, "Bosun Jane, run up Old Glory at the peak ... it reminds me of George Wash- ington." "You've forgotten the Dry Flag," says I . . . "Oh, hell," says she . . . "well, run it up too . . . the catspaw on it reminds me of Pussyfoot Johnson." DouGAL. What were the names of the vessels of Admiral Matilda Cabot's squadron? Bosun. She had the battleships "Sahara," "Volstead," "Vin- land" and "Lex Prohibita," only four, mark you, against Admiral Barbarossa Beava's seven, although we had twelve destroyers to the Tborks' ten. Our destroyers were "A" and "B" flotillas of the Dry Navy. In squadron "A" was the "Coca Cola," "Eskimo Pie," "Beavo," "Budweiser," "Sherbert" and "Pluto." Squadron "B" was made up of the destroyers "Vermouth," "Marsala," "Gin Riky," "Mint Julep," "Absinthe" and "Hyball" . . . Admiral "Tilda" . . . we calls her "Tlilda" for short . . . [slyly] . . . sometimes we calls her "Clarence" ... as she's got a cr'ush on her stenographer . . . well, as . . . [Enter Admiral Matilda Cabot, dressed in full uniform, medals and decorations, wearing a sword. Matilda. Has anyone seen . , . why, what does this drunk- fen debauch mean, women? Drinking and carousing among sailors of the Dry! [Bosun and Gunner rise to their feet with some diffi- culty and salute.] Bosun. Beg pardon. Admiral of the Dry. Gunner. I didn't know, Admiral Cabot, that you was ashore. Matilda. You've broken ship! Bosun and Gunner together. We're not the only defaulters. All the ship's crew is ashore ! DouGAL. Can ye no hear the merry sailor lassies shouting in the cocoanut groves? Matilda. Silence . . . another word and I'll string you up to trees . . . you, Bosun Jane, whom I trusted, and you. Gun- ner Jemima. I had thought better of you. Were you not with me both at the Battle of Tripoli when we trounced the Turks. Shame on you. You'll answer for this! Have I no one in my fleet that I can rely on . . . except Clarence ... a mere man . . . {half draws her sword and then sheaths it with a click] . . . Ha! Ha! consorting with bootleggers! In league perhaps with rum runners . . . You are discharged from the Dry Navy without pension ! . BosuN. Have pity, Admiral! Think of my husband and family 22 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [actii in Kalamazoo, Mich. He and our five young children depend upon my efforts for their support. All my life has been spent in the service of my country. I know no other job. As a girl ... a mere flapper ... I joined the Dry Navy. Gunner. And me too, lady Admiral. Matilda. Miserable vromen. You should both have thought of that before you committed so serious a breach of discipline! Bosun. [On her knees.] One day, Admiral, you \»^ill be a mother yourself. Think . . . think of my little ones! Matilda. [Somewhat touched.] Well, you are both deprived of a week's pay and lose six months' seniority. Had you not both served me well at the Battle of Tripoli, hark'ee, I'd have strung you up to trees like dead coyotes! Bosun and Gunner together. May God bless you, Admiral, for a generous, kind hearted soul. Matilda. See that it doesn't occur again or it will go ill with you . . . Have you seen a gentleman called Jack Volstead? All Together. Yes, Admiral. Matilda. Well, go and find him! I wish to question him on the present geographical position of Tarpon Island and if it is still inside the Three Mile Limit. If it is within the Three Mile Limit I shall hoist the Stars and Stripes and make the Island dry. DouGAL. Is it no rather late the night for such cross examination of Mr. Jack. Jonathan. Would not tomorrow be better? Matilda. It is my wish. Go and get him . . . he is about here somewhere. I have just seen him. [Aside.] Oh where is dear Jack. Could he have been molested by the drunken sailor women of the "Sahara." I ought never to have left him! [To the others.] Be gone and bring him to me . . . in the name of the President. Take care, bootleggers, not to anger me more or I'll keel-haul you both. All Together. [Glad to get away.] Aye! aye! Admiral! [Curtain drops and rises on roseate dawn — Matilda alone on stage. Matilda. I have spent the night in that hammock . . . well, I've often fared worse . . . but its uncomfortable to sleep in the full uniform of an Admiral of the Prohibition Navy. I've been pecked in the neck by this Serbian decoration of the Order of the White Eagle . . . and Jack did not put in an appearance . . . although I sent Bosun Jane, when she came back again about midnight, to tell him I was here . . . waiting for him in this palm grove. ACTii] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 23 The mosquitoes were terrible . . . worse than the Serbian White Eagle . . . but my love for Jack hurt me worse than mosqui- toes' bites or the eagle's peck. [Pauses and looks around.^ If I were not an Admiral I would go and search for him myself, but if I did do so my sailorwomen would think I was bent on breaking some blue law. There are so many different amendments to the Constitution since women run my country that it is difficult to know how to regu- late one's conduct and not run afoul of them . . . sometimes I almost think that men did things better in the early days when Wash- ington was President of the Republic ... I do wonder, though, how people knew Right from Wrong in those Dark Ages with no legal signposts to show the sheep tracks from the goat tracks. [Looks at her watch.'] I will wait another minute ... I say that . . . but my heart tells me that I shall wait longer, so much I love the boy. How I love that youth Volstead! The thought of Clarence is submerged below the water-line of my affection. Cupid's arrows have shot me through the heart in spite of all these medals I wear, which would seem to make my breast impervious to such darts. I am waterlogged in folly. I can battle against the Turks but not against his love. My heart is enfiladed, bombed, torpedoed, broken by gunfire. I am clean put out of action and lie rocking to and fro in the trough of my emotions. If he does not come soon I shall shut myself Up in the musty locker of Daisy Jones! Where is the dear one? Oh that I could envelope him in n^ arms . . . Oh indignity that I should be so enslaved by such k creature as a man . . . and yet I love him. Perhaps it is . . . the voice of Nature whTspering in my ear . . . urging me to be a mother . . . Until now men have been my pastime . . . hark, what is that . . .oh my love, my love ... I hear your footsteps! [Throws her arms around Volstead senior. J.-V. You've broken my spirits on the "Rikiavik" and now you'd break my bones. Do you think you have an assignation with me . . . or do you think I am your secretary Mister Clarence? Say, I saw him down in the village with a couple of Janes on his arms. Matilda. He is nothing to me. J.-V. In any case don't look upon me as a friend. Matilda. Your friendship is immaterial to me . . . boot- legger. I do not solicit it ... or should I value it . . . and in any case I do not know who you are. J-V. I am John Volstead, descendant of the man who gave his name to the Prohibition Amendment of the Constitution of the United States. 24 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [actu Matilda. What is your business? J.-V. You know . . . I am a bootlegger. Matilda. I see. J.-V. Do you think anyone does anything else on Tarpon Island . . . except grow bottles? Matilda. I don't understand. J.-V. We bootleggers call cocoanuts "bottles." Matilda. Do you? J.-V. I told you I am no friend of yours. Matilda. You are the most truculent virago of a man I have ever met, but I think you as harmless as a chrysalis. J.-V. They call me the "Hootch King." My family and I have run more liquor into the U. S. A. than any other wine merchants in the Bahama Islands. Matilda. What godsends you must have been to poor, thirsty Americans. J.-V. Or more than any single firm of wine merchants in Canada^ Mexico or Cuba. Matilda. I do not doubt it . . . you must have made a good thing out of the business. J.-V. I have indeed . . . and my son Jack is the sole heir to my large fortune. Matilda. What has your son got to do with the conversation? J.-V. You know. Matilda. Do I? J.-V. Didn't you try to get him to meet you last night . . . in this palm grove . . . and around midnight! You've been tampering with the young man's affections. I call it scandalous. I ( . . Matilda. [Cutting him short.'] Why did he not come to sec me here? J.-V. I locked him up in the house so he couldn't come . . . and he whined about it all night. Now his poor mother's dead, it's 'my duty to look after his upbringing. Matilda. [Aside.'] Oh, poor Jack. Oh, how he does love me . . . he cried all night . . . shed tears for me. J.-V. You have designs on his hand on account of the money he Will inherit. Matilda. You are a dam fool. J.-V. What? Matilda. I say you are a dam insular parochial minded man without refinement or culture. Your ancestor, the founder of your ACTu] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 25 house, was a prince compared to you and an honest man to boot with honest convictions ... do you thmk that I, Admiral Matilda Cabot, the idol of the great American people, would marry a boot- legger's son for money. [Aside.] Ah ... 1 might marry him for love. [Aloud.} Do you thmg that I, the conqueror ot the Turks at the Battle ot 1 ripoli, could not marry a Rockeielier, an Astor, or a Vanderbiit, or a Jford . . . J.-V. Or a Fierce Arrow. Matilda. JNone of your impertinence. Enough of this idle talk. Where is your son? J.-V. He is under lock and key in my villa. Matilda. [Aside.} No wonder the Bosun colildn't bring him but she'll get him out yet if I know her properly. 1 hope she will keep this matter secret. I should not like my private affairs to be known aboard the fleet. I think she can keep a secret though. [Turning to J.-V.] You say your son Jack is locked up. In what room is he confined? J.-V. I've shut him in his bedroom . . . perhaps he might go and dance with your officers. They're at it already this morning down in the village . . . you're a gay lot, you dry navyites. Matilda. You do Jack a grave injustice. He would not . . . J.-V. Would not what? Matilda. Would not dance with anybody but me. J.-V. I'he idol of America, the conqueror of the Turks. Matilda. Well, am I not? [Blows a whistle.} We shall see! [Enter BosuN and Gunner. Matilda seats herself at a camp table. The sailors stand at attention behind her. J.-V. is standing facing her across the table somewhat ill at ease . . . and feigning a courageous attitude. Bosun. [Saluting.} Dispatches from the Secretary of the Navy, Admiral. [Hands her a love epistle from Jack. Admiral. Excuse me a minute while I look over these dispatches. They are of the utmost importance. [Aside, reading the letter.} . . . "Darling, I could not sleep; I was all a tremble thinking of you . . . my father has locked me in my room to prevent me seeing you, but I will escape ... I will climb down the blossom- laden creeper that blooms near my window. Love laughs at lock- smiths." Climb down the blossom-laden creeper and come to me ! Oh, darling Jack . . . dear Jack . . . Bosun. [Saluting.} Any answer to the Secretary of the Navy, Admiral. Matilda. Tell her . . . tell her. Bosun Jane, that the Ad- 26 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [actii miral of the Prohibition Navy will be waiting for her at the ap- pointed rendezvous ... in the Caribbean Sea . . . [Aside to Bosun.'\ . . . "Neath the shade of the sheltering palm." [Bosun salutes and disappears for a minute, J.-V. What do you intend to do? Matilda. I intend to ask you a few questions. Until you have answered them vou are placed under close arrest. T.-V. What for? Matilda. Cocoanuts. J.-V. Tarpon Island is outside the Three Mile Limit. The Island is a British possession. Your action is illegal. Matilda. I am not so sure about that. Do you know the pro- visions of the Haines-Punchford Treaty between the United States and Great Britain? T.-V Of cotiT<;e I do. I am the oronrietor of Tarnon Island. The Hsiinps-Piinrhford Tre^tv affects mv interests as owner. Matttda. WVtprpin lip