:/- RELIEF: A HUMOROUS DRAMA By a Chicago Lady. All the men ajid luoinen merely players.^'' — Shakespeake. Aa k m 1 CHICAGO: THE UNIVERSITY PUBLISHING COMPANY. 1872. Price, 50 Cents. RE LI EF: A HUMOR O US DRA MA Bv A Chicago Lady. 187 All the inett and women merely J/layers." — Shakespeare. CHICAGO: THE UNIVERSITY PUBLISHING COMPANY 1872. ^r Entered according tc act of Congress, in the year 1872, by THE UNIVERSITY PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. /\ TO THE PHILOCATJAN SOCIETY, OF DEARBORN SEMINARY, iHDis ILittle ^la)}, AN OLD FRIEND IN A NEW DRESS, IS AFFECTIONAI ELY iiFFEKED. C H A R A C r E R S Moil hers of the Laiiits Rrlief Society. Mrs. Smart, Chairman of the Ladies' Relief Soeiety. Miss Bombast, Secretary of the /,ae/ies' A'e/ief Society. Mrs. Pursestring, , Mrs. Redtape, Mrs. Warmheart, .Miss Pry, Mrs. No Sect, Mrs. Greatheart, Miss Compromise, Teddy O'Brien, Maggie O'Brien (Teddy's wife), Bridget Rafferty (Teddy's cousin cook for Mrs. Warmheart), Katie O'Dowd (chambermaid). Widow Flannigan, Nancy Macpherson, JiMMiE Macpherson, Baby Macpherson, Michael Mahoney (Katie's lover), A Mail-Carrier. y Applicants for Relief. RELIEF. ACT I. SCENE I . A society of ladies o)-i^aiiized foi- Relief work. Boxes of Dierehaudise, piles of eloflii/i:^\ provisions, etc., awaiting distrihittio/i. Mrs. Smart {rappini;- on the taliL-. calls tlic incetiiig to onle?:) Ladies, ladies ! Order, order ! The report of the Secretary will now be read. Miss Bombast. Miss Bombast (after imuli rleariitg her throat, (/riit/:ing -water, etc., reads). Upon your huml)le servant devolves the painfully solemn responsibility of announcing to the august assemblage now convened, a concatenation of calami- tous circumstances entirely, completely, totally and fully unparalleled in the annals of the civilized or of the barbaric world. Ladies, I may say it — yes, without exaggeration, I think 1 may affirm, and the individual experience and observation, the bleeding heartstrings and the scorched sympathies of each and all and every one now and here present, will bear wit- ness to the veracity of my statement — ladies, in short. 8 RELIEF. I may briefly, and without note or comment, tell the plain, unvarnished tale; a tale that is, as saith the inspired poet, "stranger than fiction." Ladies, we — have — had — ^ fire. ! — a conflagration, 1 may say, with which the direst S^The reading is interrupted by the entrance of Mrs. O'Brien, carrying a baby in her arms, and fol- lowed by a girl and a boy, each ivith a large basket^ Mrs. O'Brien {slyly pinching the baby, which cries loudly, and putting on a supplicating air). Plase, dear leddies, wud yez be afther givin' the childers a sup o' milk an' a bit o' brad 7 An' it 's meself ud be ghrateful ter yez for a dhrap o' tay an' — an' {looking to see what there is available among the piles of clothing) a blanket or two, to kape the young ones warrum ! Whisht there, mind yer manners ! ( Turning to the children, who are timidly eying the tettipting display of viands.) Miss Bombast {frowning at the woman, resumes her reading). Ladies — as I was remarking when interrupted by this daughter of the Emerald Isle — the direst, the most dreadful, the most unprecedented, in short {Inatten- tion and whispering among the ladies ; glances at the woman and children ; baby taken by one of the ladies ; oranges thrust into chil- dren's baskets^ Mrs. Warmheart. Pardon me, Miss Secretary, but I move that the reading of this able and interesting report be deferred till this poor woman's wants are attended to. A Voice. Second the motion. RELIEF. Miss Redtape. Ladies, ladies, this is a thing unheard of! Let us proceed with due regard to laws and forms. Let us work as men work, and show our al)ility to do things in a business-like way. Mrs. Smart (///,■ chairmajt). Ladies, vou hear the motion. Pl-ea-se, ladies, d-o-n't talk so much in the corner. \_A :^n'at deal of ivhispcring and side-talk\ If you have anything to say, let us hear it. Mrs. Pursestring, what is your opinion .' Shall we defer the Secretary's report, and attend to the case of this w(Mnan .' Mrs. l'rKSF.srKi\(; [lofti/v). Will the lady who made the motion please state it again ? I did not fully com])rehend. Mrs. Warmheart [nic'ckly). 1 merely suggested that the woman was suffering, and we might help her now. \^Mitrnit/i-s, " That's so — yes, yes"'\ Mrs. Smari' (cliainnan). Order, order, ladies ! Mrs. Pursestring has the floor. Mrs. Plrsestrim;. Eminently proper, ladies; eminently proper; just what I was thinking, ladies. 1 move that immediate assistance be rendered this woman, and I hereby offer to double any sum of money that may be raised for her by the ladies here present. {Applmiscl^ lo RELIEF. Miss Bombast. Mrs. Chairman, if it is in order, allow me to suggest that a vote of thanks be tendered to Mrs. Pursestring for her unbounded liberality, and that a copy of the resolution be sent to the morning edition of " The Daily Gabbler." Mrs. S.makt. Ladies, you have heard the motion of Mrs. Purse- string in regard to this woman. Is it seconded .' Many Voicks. Second the motion. Mrs. Smart. It is moved and seconded that this woman be helped. As many as favor that motion will signify it by raising the right hand. \^AU hands raised except Mrs. Redtape's.] Contrary minded, same sign. [Mrs. R.'s /id?td alone visible.] It is a vote. {Ladies begin to rise^ Ladies, wait a moment ; there is another motion before us. Miss Bombast, please rejjeat. Miss Bombast. I move that a vote of thanks be tendered Mrs. Pursestring for her unbounded liberality, and that a copy of the record of this meeting be sent for publica- tion to the morning edition of " The Daily (iabl)ler." Many Voices. Second the motion. RELIEF. II Mrs. Smart. It is moved and seconded that a \ote of thanks l)e tendered Mrs. Pursestring for lier unparalleled gene- rosity, and that a co]))' of the Secretary's record of this meeting be sent for ind)lication to the morning edition of " The Daily Gabbler." As many as favor this motion will please signify it by saying Ay. Al.I. THK I,.\DIES. Ay! Ay! Mrs. Sm.\rt. Contrary minded will say No. It is a \ote. \Ladirs nst, and i^-fitlwr around till' ii-a-dies, come back to your seats ! I forgot ; \vc are not adjoin'ned. Mrs. Redtai'k. I move that the meeting be adjourned, and [be resolved into a committee of the whole for relie\ing this woman. Many Voices. Second the motion. Mks. Smart. It is moved and sec — [ 7'//,' Ladies, ntshin;^ at the clotlu-s and provisions, Ih'i^in pilin;^ tltcDi into the baskets, and stnffini:; the children s pockets ivith cakes, toys, etc., etc. — Curtain Falls.] 12 REIJEF. * AC"I' II. SCENE I. A room in Teddy O' Brien's coftagi\ Teddy, Michael Ma/ioney, Bridget Rafferty, and Katie O' Doiud, play- ing cards and dri/i/^:ing ndiiskey. Teddy. (live ine the l)Ottle, Michael ; I'll jist tak' anither shmall dhrap. Bridget. Ah! coozin Teddy! let it alone, boy, let it alone; ye've too mooch aboord aalready ; an' whaat'll yer ould woman sav, when she finds you dhroonk } Teddy {ttri/t/cs mid passes the bottle to Michael). 'I'ak a so.op, Mikky, it'll do ye good ; it's the virry hist. Michael. Troth, an' it is, Teddy; an' but for me plidging me ould mither, I'd drink to the good hilth o' the leddies. Teddy. Ye're right, Mikky, ye're right ; niver tooch the intaaxicating coop. It's mesel' '11 dhrink yer toasts for ye. Michael. Thank ye. Mister O'Brien. An' here's to the bright eves o' Miss Kittie O'Dowd ! F'ELIEF. Teddy (drinks). An' here is anoother for me good coosin Biddie ; an' here 's to me owld woman, an' may she be lang gaane ! an' here 's to the howly Relafe, that 's afther givin oos — Bridget. Put away yer dhrinks, Tiddy, ye bastely sot, an' mind yer carruds ! Ye '11 lose yer tin daalars aisier nor ye got it. Play yer ace, man I MiCHAKI.. Yes, Teddy, there's a good feller! Mind the pris- ince o' the leddies. Katie. Ah, Biddie I but ye 're chaatin'! How do \e know Mister O'Pkien has the ace? Bridget. P'aix ! it 's tendin' to the game I am, an' not foolin' an' winkin' me eyes at the boys. Katie. None o" yer insiniations, Bridget Rafferty ! A pretty woman you are, to be bringin' me to this place, an' the mistress o' the house away ! I '11 not stay another minute. YShe throws doivii her cards, rises pettishly, and l>egins to tie on her bonnet^ Bridget {jumping up and untying Katie's l>onnet). Ah, Kittie, dear I stay, gerrul, it 's jist jokin' I waas ! 14 RELIEF. Teddy (seizing the bottle, drinks and sings, pointing to MiCHAEL, 7i.i>V, puts her hand oi'er his month). Shtop yer noise, ye drunken foul ! Will ye brini; in the neighbors? Look at yer money, man! [.-^ roll of bank notes falls on the table. \ It's little more ve'll git, I'll warrant. 'N'er owld woman'll not be goin" to the Relafe for bread, an' she tinds ye roarin' an' blastin' wid yer Kelafe money, an" it all spindin' for whiskey ! [Michael and Katie go out together. Enter Mrs. O'Brien and the ehildreit.] Mrs. O'Brien [putting the baby into Nancy's arms and hastily gi^'ing eaeh ehild a piece of bread'). Off \vid yez ! Quick! an' mind ye kaj^e it from the moother. Whaat's aall this, Tiddy O'Brien .' [Catching a glimpse of Bridget's retreating form.) Bridget Rafferty ! ye good-for-nothing huzzey, how cam' ye here.' Share, an' is this the way ye mak' belave sick.' ye old sly- boots, a dhrinkin" an' carousin', an' yer poor wife a beggin' bread an' tellin' lies for ye at the Relafe.' An' where wur ye gettin' yer money fur the whiskey.' \^She tastes^ An' it's the virrv bist quaality ! Och ! but ye 've paaned me silk goon ! ye ongrateful baste iiv a broot ! * Irish Ballads. RELIEF. 15 Teddy [lattghiivj; and singing). Ho, ho ! Maggie ! yer silk goon's safe ; Hip, hip, Maggie, it's all the Relafe ! Mrs. O'Brien. Whist wid yer poathry, ye carousin' fool ! \Shc spies the bank notes on the tal>le^^ Och ! Howly VeiTgin, whaat's this is here .-^ Teddy. Howld, Maggie ! It's me own ! Be gorra! an' I cam' be it honestly ! It's me own beggins o' the Relafe ! \_7'Itev struggle for the money. Ma(;(;ie eonqiiers, and pushes Teddy into a ehair. udiere he lolls, half ilrunk.'\ Mrs. O'Brien. (.)ff wid \er beggins, an' yer whiskey, an' yer coosins, an' yer carousins ! Teddy. An' who'll be yer purtictor, Maggie.'' ha, ha, ha! Mrs. O'Brien. Whisht wid yer purtictions ! A fine feller ye be! Out uv me doors ! Be the howly saints, I'll jist sup- port mesilf, an' have no moor droonkin hoosbinds aitin' ooj) me airrnins ! All glowry to the Relafe! Teddy ( fixing his half-closed eyes on her, sings). " Then fare thee well, my Molly dear. For thee I'll ever mourn, While life remains in Patrick's breast For thee 'twill ever burn ; Tho' thou art false, may Heaven pour It's choicest blessings down."* * Irish Ballads. i6 , RELIEF. Mrs. O'Brien [pulling Teddy's chair out from under him, he runs to the door and steadies himself). Be off, sirr! Let me hear no moor o' ver farewells! Teddy (faking a hoot). Let me put on me boots, Maggie, darlin'! Mrs. O'Brien. Out wid yer darlins ! Divil a boot ye'll put on yer fut ! They're me oon. \\'aasn't 1 afther resaivin' 'em yisterday, an' nie a testifyin' to yer poverty.' Tak' yer shoes an' begaane ! [^7/,' throws his shoes after ///w.] Niver let me see yer face agin till the Relafe does be over ! SCENE II. Mrs. O'Brien's kitchen. Mrs. O'Brien and the ]\'id(m< Flannig;an taking tea togetlier. Mrs. O'Brien. Good loock to the coo that was afther puttin' her fut in the lamp ! Shure, an' the likes of sich tay niver intered the lips o' me till this day ! It's fit fur the blissed Saint Patrick — God rest his so\vl I Widow Fi.annigan. Shure, an' was it at the Relafe }e was gittin' it.' Faix, an' wasn't I afther goin' mesel' .' Mrs. O'Brien. An' what did ve uit .' RELIEF. 17 Widow Fi.anxigan. Niver a bit did I resaive l)ut a j^air o" shoes as iid make yer fut howl to hik at the Hther, an' a cloak as ud be fit fur a nun. Mrs. O'l^RiEN. Shure, an' there was PJridget Raiferty, that's airnin' her five dollars a wake, an' she resaivin' a vilvit hat, stoock with a rale ostretch fidder ; an' it a coniin" all the way from Bastin, wid as purty a litter stitched in the croon of it as iver yer eyes "ud wish to luk at, an' it all wrote on yeller paper. \Vn)c )w Fl.\nni(;.\n. Oh! but its Bostin is the place for larnin'I Whin I did be cookin' at Mister Laarinces, on Bakin' strate, its niver a toorkey ud coom on the table, but Miss Aidith ud be addrissin a bit uv an oad to it. Och, but they has the larnin'! Rut how did ye git the tay, Maggie 1 Mrs. ()'I;rip.n. Och, murrdher ! ye big fool wid yer haansim face ! Dooan't ye know its the childer as does the wurrk wid the leddies' Relafe .'' \Vn)ow Flannigan. An' where is a body to be gittin' childer.'' Is it at the asylim ye'd have me be goin' to tak' a young aarphin .? \A girl puts her head timidly in at the door and asks for a piece of cake^ i8 RELIEF. Mrs. O'Brien. Tak' yersilf off, ye spalpeen of a Nancy Mickphersin ! Be thim yer fine Scotch manners — hearkunin'at leddies' doors.'* (Tiiniiiig to J]'i(fo7c' Elniiiiioan.) 'Twas the gerrul. I jist inticed her an' the young ones alaang wid me, an' thrust me that the baby scramed finely afore the leddies I Widow Flakmcan. Ah, Mag, but ye're a wise one ! An' how wur ye kai)in' it from the mother .' Mrs. O'Brien. Shure an' I coaxed 'em wid the cake, an' the mother gaane off to her wash-tool), the silly fool, boastin' that her Scotch blood wouldn't permit her to tak' from the Relafe. Widow Flannigan. An' whaat's yer owld man afther doin'.' Mrs. O'Brien. Shure an' what ud a Christian man be doin' in these times? It's not the days fur the likes o' us poor folks to be a wurrkin' an' slavin' in the sasin o' the Relafe ! Widow Flannigan. Where is the man gaane "^ Mrs. O'Brien. Oh, but I tell ye, Tiddy is the feller fur ye I He jist was afther tyin' oop his airnins — all nice clane grane- backs — in a bit uv a sthockin'; an' he coom to me an' he said, " Maggie, ye're a sober, daysint woman." RELIEF. 19 Widow Flannigan. That's thrue fur him. Mrs. O'Brien. " Yis, Tiddy," says I, "an' that I am !" " Thin," said he, " Maggie, jist ye kape a fast howld o' this, 'gin I coom back; I'm aff fur a bit uv a spray." Widow Flanmc.an. But whaat ud tlie man do widout money, on a spray 1 Mrs. O'Brien. 'Dade, an' it's that same I said to him mesel'. Ah, but Tiddy is the man ! He is very dape intirely. He jist turrned and fastened his two eyes on me, an' whin I repaited me quistion, " Tiddy, man, boo can ye spray it widout a sint in yer pocket.''" he jist give a whistle bke, an' spake only the one wurrd — " Re-lafe." Widow Flannigan. Och, an' Tiddy is a jewel uv a hoosband ! an' shure I'd be afther thryin' me chances, an' he was a widder like mesel'! Mrs. O'Brien. It's many a laang day till that time, I promise ye. \A knock at the door. Enter Mrs. Redtape;?;/;/ Miss Pry. Mrs. R. carries a long manuscript tied tvith red tape. Miss Pry has a huge memorandum booki\ Good aveniii' to yez, ladies ; will yez be saited .'' (rising and dusting a cJiair ivith her apron.) Mrs. Redtape {opening her paper). My good woman, you are hereby informed that we 20 RELIEF. have been chosen a committee of the Ladies' ReHef Society to visit your house. Mrs. O'Brien. Ye do me mooch honor, mum. Allow me to pray- sint to yer ladyships me frind the ^^'idder Flannigan. Mrs. Flannigan [curtsryini^). At yer sarvice, ladies. Miss Pry {?cadi}ig from her note-book). " Widow with three children ; husband killed in the battle of Gettysburg. Very destitute." This must be a mistake ; there seems to be no lack of comfort here. Mrs. Redtape. Perhaps we had better adjourn. Miss Pry. Whose boots are those under the bed, Widow O'Brien .' Mrs. O'Brien. Shu re, mum, they belaangs to the husbind uv me frind Mrs. Flannigan. Miss Pry (looking at her note-book and seeming not to notice the woman's answer). Where are the children. Widow O'Brien 1 Mrs. O'Brien. An' it's Nancy has gaane home wid the clothes, mum, as I'm afther ironin' ; and the young'ns is gaane out fur a bit o' fresh air wid Pat Flannigan, mum. RELIEF. . 21 Miss Pry. Did Mr. Flannigan go without his boots .'' Widow Flannigan. Faith, mum, it's the chilblains as is hurrtin' his fate, an' he jist slipped off his boots intirely, mum. Mrs. Redtape. The woman seems honest. Mrs. O'Brien. 'Dade, an' it's honest I am, mum ; an' it's honest she is, mum; an' wad ye be so kind as to beg a sup o' tay fur her from the Relafe .? It's little I has to give, but it's mesel" that ud niver see a neighbor suffer. Shure an' it's a sin, mum, the poor is unpurvided fur in the city uv Chicargy. Mrs. Redtape. I fear there have been too many mistakes committed by the Relief Society in regard to the recipients of their charity. No system about it ! Miss Pry. No investigation ! Mrs. Redtape. The Warmheart family have too long had control of things. Miss Pry. We must inaugurate a new era. Mrs. O'Brien. Orger ate, did ye say mum .' 'Dade an' it's yersel' 22 RELIEF. that '11 do it. {Aside.) Niver an auger ud bore closer nor she. Blessin's on yez fur yer thruble in silin' yer swate fate waalkin' to me poor dwellin' ! Mrs. Redtai'K {muck affected). We are only doing our duty according to the rules of the Society. Mrs. O'Brien. Throo', mum; l)ut it's not ivery one as'll do sich disagrraible jooties, mum. It's the lazy Mrs. Warm- heart ud niver stir a fut uv her, but jist sittin' an' givin' out what belaangs to her supariors. May the Howly Verrgin reward yez, ladies ! Miss Pky. My good woman, are you not a Protestant .' Xot that it makes any difference to the Relief Society, but it is important to ascertain if your statements are correct. Mrs. REDT.vrK. And to abide by the rules and regulations. Mrs. O'Brien. An' may aal the saints in hiven defend me, but I'm as throo a Protestant as iver brathed, and a loyil descindint uv the Prince of Orange, as was killed at the Battle o' the Boyne. {Crosses kei-self.) Miss Pry {7vriiino; in her noie-lwok). A lineal descendant of the Prince of Orange, who was killed at the Battle of the Boyne ! Mrs. Redtape, do you remember about that battle } I must look it up in the Encydopcedia Hibernianica. RELIEF. 23 Mrs. Redtape. Widow O'Brien, you will i)lease answer the following (jUestions in writing {pulling a blank fonn of application for rditf from her pocket), and afifix your signature. Mrs. Flannk;..\n. Wad yez wish to see the baljy, leddies .' I'll jist fetch him in fur yez. \E.xit^^ Mis^, Prv. Pardon me, Mrs. Redtajje. One question more. Mrs. O'Brien, what was that moti(;n of your hands .' Were you crossing yourself.' Mrs. O'Brien. 'Dade mum, an' it's wipin' the tears oot o' me eyes it wuz. I wuz jist afther wapin', as yez came in, fur thinkin' o' the annivers'ry o' me ould man's wake, an' he dhrownded in the say. Miss Prv. Was not your husband killed at Gettysburg.' Mrs. O'Brien. Faith an' he waas, mum I Miss Pry. But what about a wake, and drowned in the sea .' Mrs. O'Brien'. Ah, noo I'm afther remimbrin'! It was me ould man's father intirely. It's that aaful fire, mum, a roarin' in me airs, that's afther disthoorbin' me mim'ry, 24 RELIEF. mum — God bless yer ladyships! An' wad yez be givin' me a bit more o' relafe, mum? Mrs. Fi.ANNlciAN [c-utcriug loith the hahv). Here's the fine boy fur yez ! {Baby a-ics?^ Whisht yer scramin', sir ! Mrs. O'Brien. Tak' him out, Widdy ! He's pinin' fur the frish air. {Exit Mrs. F. 7oith !>al>y?\ Mrs. Redtape. Whenever you need relief, my good woman, and I have no doubt you are worthy, the rules and regulations of the Society must be complied with. You must fill out these blanks and get the paper signed by two prominent citizens. Mrs. O'Brien. Two ])romenade citizens, mum } Miss Prv. Two men who know you, and are well known in the city. Mrs. O'Brien. 'Dade, an' it's that same Mayor Oopright wuz afther sayin' to me this very maarnin', an' I a-clanin' his office, — Mrs. Redtape [aside). She is industrious ; cleaning and ironing for a living. She deserves help. Mrs. O'Brien. Thank ye, mum. " Yes," sez the Mayor, " Maggie, RELIEF. 25 I'll sign fur ye anny day that ye'U bring me yer paper, fur ye're a daysint respictible woman." " That I am, yer riverince," said I. Shure, Mrs. Ridtape, wad ye be so good as to be puttin' yer own blissed name forninst the Mayor's.' — jist here, mum. Mrs. Redtape. If the Mayor knows her, it's all right, I suppose, Miss Pry } Miss Pry. I don't know. I'd like to put one more question. Mrs. Redtape {signs). Perhaps it isn't quite in order for a member of the Relief Society to sign, but of course it'll be all right since the Mayor is to sign. S^Exit Mrs. Redtape and Miss Pry.] Mrs. Flannigan {peeping in). Yit they gaane .'' Mrs. O'Brien. Shure an' they are. But how was ye gittin' the baby ? Mrs. Flannigan. Faith, an' I jist stipped over to me Scotch neebor's, an' I axed wad she lind me the loan of a young-one, to cheer a lonely widdy ! An' I'll tak' a pound o' yer good tay for me pains. — Good avenin' to ye! I'll come soon agin ! Mrs. O'Brien {laughingly). I'll warrant ye will ! — soon enough to ate oop me beggins ! 26 RELIEF. ACT III. SCENE I. Mrs. Warmhcart' s kitchen. Bridget making bread. Katie, the chambermaid., reading aloud from the ''''Celtic Bugle.''' A whistle through the speaking-tube., follaiced by a pull of the bell. Katie. What can she be wanting at this hour of the morn- ing .-* I'm tired out, standin' round the brakfist table. Bridget. Go on wid yer radin'I let her rring awhile; it's good exercise for her arrums. Katie {irads). "The gallant young officer clasped her to his heart. 'Yes, Nora McPheelan, thou art mine. Rest thy auburn ringlets on the proud bosom of Clancey Le fJaron, thy own cavalier. Thee will I wed, and Nora McPheelan, the kitchen-maid of Dunblane, shall tread the halls of the Le Barons, the honored wife of their noblest son ! ' " Brii)i;et. Oh ! but that is throo iliquince ! Who knows, Kitty, but some day you will be mistress of a "marble front".'' Katie (tossing her head and laughing). And, if I am, I'll never hire you to answer my bells. {The bell rings again.'] It's a shame to keep her waiting. RELIEF. 27 Bridget. Faith, it'll not hurrt her. \Entc)- Mrs. Warmheart, glancing about the room. Katie thrusts the paper out of sight.'] Mrs. Warmheart. I don't want to hurt your feelings, Katie, but if it would not disturl) your work too much to answer when the bell rings — Katie. Indeed, ma'am, I can't be runnin' from the top o' the house to the bottom ivery five minutes to hearken for the bell ! If ye wants me for a lady's maid, ye had better get another gerrul for the chamber work. Brid(;et. 'Dade, mum, the bell didn't ring at aall ! I'm in the kitchun aall the maarnin', as quiet as a lamb, and niver a sound did I hear. Mrs. Warmheart. That is strange ! The wire must be broken. I will send the bell-hanger to mend it. K.'VTIE. Ye're not goin' out, ma'am, an' it's sweepin' day.? Mrs. Warmheart. I must go to market, Katie. Mr. Warmheart can't attend to it this morning. I lio])e it won't hinder you much, Katie. Perhaps Bridget will answer the bell, if anybody calls ? 28 RELIEF. Katie. Well, I don't mind, if ye'll dust yer room after ye get back. But, of course, I can't clean the silver. Mrs. Warmheart. Oh, no, indeed ; let the silver go. Bridget. An' I don't see how I can make a dissert, mum, an' be waitin' on callers at the same time. Mrs. Warmheart. I'll buy some oranges, Bridget; I guess they'll do for dessert. I don't mean to put too much upon either of you. Katie. That's just what I was tellin' Mrs. Smoothtongue ; the work is so hard here. She keeps a boy to run errands, an' she'll pay me five dollars a week, an' give me her old silk dresses. Mrs. Warmheart (sonv-cofiilly). I don't see how I can spare you, Katie, but I can't afford to pay more than four dollars. Mr. Warmheart says we have lost almost our whole income, and we can't afford to keep more than two servants. K.vriE. Well, ma'am, if you would give me a lace collar or a pair of gloves now and then, and hire a boy when it is wet to clean the steps, and let me out oftener on a Sunday, I'll try it a sjDell longer and see how I can Stan' it. I don't want to disappoint you. RELIEF. 29 Mrs. Warmheart. I That's a good girl, Katie. Take this. (Ghing her a Jive dollar note.) Mr. Warmheart gave it to me to buy a wedding present for my cousin ; l)ut I think she won't expect anytliing since the fire. Katie. Thank ye, ma"am ; I wasn't expecting so much. Please would you sign tor me, ma'am .'' Mrs. Warmheart. Sign what, Katie } K/^TIE. A paper to the Relief, ma'am, to get me a sewing machine. Mrs. W..\rmheart. Why, Katie, they won't give you one ; you never lost one, and can't use it if you get it. Katie. I can learn to use it. Mrs. Smoothtongue will teach me, if I go there. Besides, I'm tired of housework. ■ Bridget. You see, mum, me an' Kittie thaaght we'd be gittin' a sewin' mach'ine, and set oop a little shop thegither ; an' maybe ye'd help us a bit, an' it's but a little we'll ask yer patronage, for we'll soon have plenty o' coos- tomers 't Mrs. Warmheart {;j;oiiiq out). Well, girls, I'll see about it, sometime. 30 RELIEF. Katie {calling after her). Don't stay long, ma'am, I want to step over to Mollie Mahoney's before dinner, an' put her hair in curl for the ball this evenin'. \^Exii Mrs. Warmheart.] Bridget. Faith, it's little ye cares fur the curruls uv Mollie Mahoney. It's the brother ye're sparkin'. Katie. And what if I am .? I might be doin' somethin' worse. Bridget. Hush up, gerrul ! Why air ye wastin' yer time talkin' about fellers, an' ye not knowin' how to sit a stitch on the michane ye're applyin' fur 1 Katie. How can I learn now, Biddie .' Bridget. How can a body larrun annything but by practice.? Go on up to the sewin'-room, and jist take a toorn at the michane while she's out. Katie. I'm afraid, Biddie. Bridget. Shure ye can't hurrt it! Go on, gerrul! I'll jist come up and help ye, as soon as iver I put me bread a-risin'. ^Exit Katie. Exit Bridget soon after, carrying a pan of bread in her hand?[ RELIEF. 31 SCENE II. M rs. ]]'aniihcarfs sc70//io^-roo!/i. Enter Katie, peeping cautiously alnnit. Enter Bridget, carrying a pa/i of dough. Bridget. Why arren't ye at wurrk, gerrul .'' Katie {scatiii;.:; Jicrsclf at tlic sciinng-inacluiie). Keep a sharj) watch, Biddy; I think she has a night- key. [Bridget ^'•(V.f /('///(' 7i'/W()7i/.] Plague take it! why don't the thing work.'* \^SIu' twitcJics at ttic machijic nei-- voiistyi] Bridget. Jist let me git a holt 11 v it ! There, thry it now ! Katie. O Biddy ! you've spoilt it ! Look at the dough that's on it ! Wipe it off now. [Bridget -wipes off tJie dougti ivitli tier apron i\ Bridget. Git the paper oot o' the draaer, an' rade the diric- tions child ! Katie {n-ading). " If the work draws, the tension is too tight." Bridget. The tinsion ! Whaat's that ? Faith, it must be this little whale. Shtop, till I loosen it a bit ! 32 RELIEF. Katie. Mercy, Bridget ! what have you done ? How it rattles ! \^SIu' reads again?[ " Keep the machinery well oiled." I wonder what kind of oil ! BRHiGET. Anny kind ull do, if its only grase. A bit uv a candle melted ud do ; or there is the karisane we bought at the time o" the fire. K.ATIE. I think the kerosene is best. Get the can, will ye, Biddy .' Bridget. Here it is ; let me pour it fur ye. There ! [S/w pours it over the wheel of the machine.^ Ka'iie. You'll spoil the carpet ! Put something under to catch the oil — quick, Biddy ! Brii>GET (lookiiiii- around for a dasiu). Wait a bit! Here's the pan; it ull do. [She turns the /> read into a chair, and puts the fan under the machine^ Ka'ITE. Hush! Who's knockin' at the door .'^ Has she come 1 Bridget {peeping:; out). It's only the man coom to fix the bell. Katie. What will he say when he finds it ain't broke .? RELIEF. 33 Bridget. Share it's aisy to brake it ! Jist ye open the door and howld the man aff vvid yer talk and yer palaver, an' I'll tak' the scissors an' cut the wire. It's a pity fur him to lose a job, an' he comin' so fur. Katie. You'll spoil the scissors, Biddy! Bridget {seizing the scissors ami stainiiitg up in a chair near the hell). Go on about your business, gerrul ! {^E.xit Katie. Bridget cuts the wire ami lets the l>ell fall to the floor ?\^ 34 RELIEF. ACT IV. SCENE I. Ladies Relief, organized as before. Mrs. Smart, e/iair- iiiaii. Mrs. Smart. Ladies, come to order ! We will now listen to the report of the Visiting Committee. Mrs. Redtape will read. Miss Prv. Mrs. Chairman, the report is not quite ready. There are one or two points that ought to be more fully inves- tigated. Mrs. Redtape. Mrs. Chairman, 1 believe it is in order to read the report now. I think things ought to be done at the right time, according to the laws of the Society. This delaying and deferring matters that are to come before the Society, destroys all system. Miss Compromise. I would suggest that a recess of five minutes be taken, to give the Visiting Committee an opportunity to confer in regard to the report. Miss Prv. I wish the ladies to understand that it is not my fault that the report is incomi)lete. I have spared no effort to investigate the history of Mrs. O'Brien. RELIEF. 35 Mrs. Redtai'e.' We have every proof that the widow O'Brien is an honest, industrious woman, deserving our sympathy and aid. [Sensation among tlic ladies?^ Miss Pry. Still, I have not yet been able to trace her pedigree. She states that her husband, who was killed at Gettys- burg, and whose father was drowned in the sea, is a lineal descendant of the Prince of Orange, who fell in the Battle of the Boyne. I have not yet been able to verify this statement with sufficient accuracy. Mrs. Reihape. Well, the woman has comi)lied with the rules and forms of the application, and the Mayor will sign it, and that is enough. Miss Pry. I want more time, ladies. I do not despair of yet settling this question. I have searched the bookstores through, but I cannot find to-day, in the city, a copy of the Eucyclo[>(eJia Hibcniianica. They are all burned, and so are the genealogies of the O'Brien family. Miss Bomhast. Ladies, I think some measures should l)e taken by this organization to communicate to the world, who are gazing with breathless interest upon our actions — to impart, I say, some adequate conception of the magnitude of the losses we have sustained. Ladies, reflect upon the destruction on that fearful night ! Picture to yourselves the magnificent libraries that fell 36 RELIEF. a prey to the devouring element, the priceless records of national and individual history treasured in our city's archives — the illustrious roll of the Flannigans, the O'Briens, the O'Dowds, and hundreds of other noble families — all commingled in one volume of flame, as saith the poet : " Rider and horse, friend and foe, in one red burial blent." \^.4pplattse^ . Mrs. Pursestring. I hereby offer to quadruple any sum pledged by this Society for establishing a public library. Miss Compromise. I move that we forthwith take measures to organize a library. Miss Pry. I move that we purchase first the Eiuyclopcedia Hibcniiaiiica, and genealogical Miss Bomhast. I move that it be called the Pursestring Free Lil^rary, in honor of its noble founder. Mrs. Redtape. Ladies, it is proper that we should first get a place ready to receive the books. What a plight we shall be in, with books piling in upon us and nowhere to put them ! System, ladies ! One thing at a time. Miss Bombast. I move that we petition Congress for an appropriation to fill in Lake Michigan, and erect on its shores a library building suitable to receive the books, and RELIEF. 37 commensurate with the wants of our increasing popu- lation. SjOirai applause. Enter a Mail Carrier, li'itk letters.^ Mrs. Smart. Here are letters addressed to Miss Pry, of the Ladies' Relief Society. [She hands them to Miss Pry, 7oha tears them open and peruses tJieir eontents, all the ladies mean7vhile -watching her -with marked interest.^ Mrs. Smart. Ladies, is there any business before this meeting .-* Mrs. Redtape. Mrs. Chairman, I should like to know if it is " in order " to have our deliberations broken in upon in this way, by the delivery of letters ! I move that a special committee be chosen to receive letters addressed to the members of the Society. Miss Compromise. As it will involve some expense to procure a room suitable for the committee to occupy, I move that we defer appointing them until a second interruption shall occur. I believe this is the first time that letters have been brought here. Mrs. Pursestrixg. Ladies, did I hear the word exi)ense .'' I hereby offer Miss Pry [excitedly). Ladies ! ladies ! I have important information con- cerning Widow O'Brien's case. [She begins to 7-ead]^ " The Celtic Society for the Diffusion " 38 RELIEF. Mrs. REirrAPE. Mrs. Chairman, is there any motion before the meeting ? Miss Comfk(JM1se. I move that Miss Pry be requested to read her letters in regard to the case of Mrs. (VRrien. Many Voices. Second the motion. Mrs. Sharp. It is moved and seconded that Miss Pry read her letters. If this be your pleasure, please manifest it by raising your hands. [.^////r?«r/.f «/> d'ari/-/ Mrs. Redtape's.] Contrary minded, same sign. [Mrs. Redtape's hand raised^ It is a vote. Miss Pry (reads). " Dublin, March i, 1872. ' ' The Celtic Society for the Diffusion of Useful Knowledge, to Miss Pauline Fry, of the Ladies' Relief .Society, Chicago : " De.'VR Miss : "We are liappy to refer you to an article in the Catholianica, of the year 1690, entitled, ' Rumours of the Bloodie Battel of the Boyne,' in which occurs the following statement : ' The Prince of Orange fell, mor- tally wounded seven times in the back, and his body was at once borne away in the current of the River Boyne. When the news of his death was received, Te Deums were ordered to be sung in the Cathedrals of Dublin, Paris, and Rome.' Doubtless, this is the per- son. Miss, for whom you are searching." [Looking around RELIEF. 39 with an air of triiDiiph^ You see, Uidies, the value of research ! \Applattsc^^ Miss Pry (opt-niiii^- another letter^ irads). " London, March i, 1S72. " yV/i- Secretary op' the Anglican Society for the Diffusion of Useful Kmnvledge, to Miss Pauline Pry, of the I^a dies' Relief Society, Chicago : " Dear Miss Pry : '' I am happy to state that the only person present at the Battle of the Boyne, bearing the name you men- tion, was his honored majesty of sacred memory, King William Third. Twice wounded in the breast, he refused to retire from the contest till complete victory had crowned his arms. For this glorious triumph of English patriotism, he returned thanks to Almighty God in the Cathedral of Dublin." Miss Bombast. Ladies, is it fitting that this descendant of a royal house should be living in obscurity in a humble cot in the Garden City } Let our honored Society lift her up to the peerage of our fairest daughters. Mrs. Redtape. I told you the Mayor had signed for her. Are we prepared to take up her case.'' Miss Compromise. 1 move, ladies, that Mrs. O'Brien, having been found upon careful investigation to be a loyal Protestant woman, shall receive a monthly allowance from the Relief Society. 40 RELIEF. Mrs. No Sect. I object to this form of the resohition, as introducing a question of faith that ought not to complicate our proceedings. We are to know no sect or party in our Relief work. We are to take care of people's bodies, and let their ministers attend to their creeds. Miss Comtkomise. Ladies, I agree with Mrs. No Sect, and I am sure Miss Pry does, and I am sure we all do. S^Cricsof "-Yesr^ Mrs. Greatheart. I object also to the form of the motion. I go even further than Mrs. No Sect. Now is the time to display our liberal charity. We should, if possil)le, be more anxious to help those opposed to us in religion. Thus shall we proclaim our broad sympathy with humanity. Because I am a Protestant, I refuse aid to Protestants ; because I am not a Catholic, I aid Catholics. \^Loud applause. ^ Miss Pry. I am sure it is nothing to me what the woman believes. I am after facts. Miss Bombast. Facts, ladies — those great, underlying foundations, on which are reared the proud structures of science. Well may our indefatigable co-laborer claim honor for her zeal in the noble cause. Enrolled among the Darwins, the Huxleys, the Spencers — the immortal names of the nineteenth century, the great army of martyrs who have perished in the pursuit of facts — shall forever shine resplendent with a lustre all its own, RELIEF. 41 the name of Pauline Pry, of the Ladies' Relief Society, Chicago. \AppIausc?\^ Miss Compromise. Ladies, I rejoice that it is in our power, by our action this afternoon, to exemplify the philanthropic and liberal charity so creditable to Mrs. Greatheart and shared by us all, and also to do justice to the loyal Protestant sentiment that we all cherish. I hold in my hand an application from a needy Catholic sewing girl, who asks aid to replace her sewing machine destroyed by the fire. I move that we put her case in with that of the Widow O'Brien, and do justice to them ])oth. Sevkkal Ladies. Second the motion. Mrs. Redtape. What is the motion .'' I think the rules of the Society are that the amount of money to be voted on shall be distinctly stated. Mrs. Sharp [fro7v>iliig). We need not be completely tied up by rules and forms. Ladies, it is moved and seconded that Mrs. O'Brien, a worthy Protestant widow, whose ancestors fought in the American Revolution — I think I am correct, Miss Pry — shall receive from the Ladies' Relief Society a monthly allowance of twenty-five dollars ; and that Katie O'Dowd, a Roman Catholic sewing girl, shall receive a Singer's sewing machine, to replace one lost by her in the fire. As many as are in favor of this motion will please manifest it by saying Ay. {^.411 vote :\ 42 RELIEF. Miss Pry. Just one (juestion, if you please. Mrs. Sharp {frowning). Contrary minded, same sign. [Profound silence.] It is a vote. [ The ladies rise and begin to ta/k.\ Mrs. Redtape. Are we adjourned, Mrs. Chairman 7 RELIEF. 43 AC r V. SCENE I . Mrs. IVan/i/icart's chamber. Mr. Warmhcart dressing before the mirror. Mrs. JVarm/ieart with her bonnet on., and a large account book in her hand, marked ''Relief JP'orh." Mrs. War.mheart. John, we have more than a hundred girls at work at the sewing rooms, and applications for twenty more. I must go early to-day. Mr. Warmheart. My dear, will you please look after my linen a little, some day.? I can't find a shirt fit to put on, and there isn't a collar in the drawer. Mrs. Warmheart. That is very strange ! It was just before the fire I counted two dozen good shirts, and any numl)er of collars. Perhaps Bridget has mislaid them. [.S//f rini^s the hell, and Bridcjet appears^^ Mr. Warmheart. Bridget, where did you init my shirts that were washed last week .? Bridget. 'Dade, surr, jist where I alwuz does, surr ! 44 RELIEF. Mr. Warmheart. Where is that ? Bridget. In the baskit, siirr. Mk. Warmheart. Where is the basket } Briui;et. Och ! I'm afther remimberin' ! 'Twas herself as told me, surr, to lind the baskit to me coosin Tiddy, to go to the Relafe wid. Mrs. Warmheart. Well, Biddie, so I did. It's no matter about the basket, but where are the shirts.' Bridget. 'Dade, I can't till, mum; I jist whiffed 'em out o' the baskit on to the bed. Shure, Katie'll know, mum. Mk. Warmheart. Send Katie up, Bridget. Bridget {Dweting Katie on the tcwv'). Ye're caalled for, Kittie ; an' it's the shurrts that I gav' to Tiddy is waanted ! Whaat'll we do .' Mrs. Warmheart. {Calls.) Be quick, Katie. [.S7/,' enters^ Mr. Warmheart. Katie, have you seen a pile of shirts on the bed .'' RELIEF. . 45 Katie. Indeed I did, sir; and 1 sent em to the Relief, sir. Mr. Wakmheart. To the Relief! Katie [stoutly). Yes, sir; and 'twas her own orders, sir. She just told me to clean out the closet and send iverything! Mrs. Warmheart. Why, Katie, I only told you to clear out the closet. I didn't suppose you would take everything in the room. Katie. And what's the lack of a few shirts? It's easy to make more, if ye'd be stayin' at home fur a bit. S^Shc vanishes, hitt stops at the door to Ustoii?^ Mr. Warmheart. That is true, Maria. I do think you spend too much time at the Relief. It wasn't Katie's fault, if you told her to send the things. \_E.xit Mr. and Mrs. Warmheart. Enter Katie, who logins to make the bed. Enter Brukjet, eare- fnlly looking alnnit.'] Bridget {/;/ a loud ^ohis/er). How did ye get over it, Kittie .^ Katie. I just told the truth ! Bridciet. The throoth, Kittie ! Ye didn't indtide ? 46 RELIEF. Katie. Yes, indeed ! I just said the shirts was gone to the Relief, an' be her own orders. An' didn't she tell me to clean the closet an' send iverything.' Hriuckt. Shure, an' thaat's throo fur ye ! An' they'll be a relief to poor Tiddy — bad loock to the scoldin' wife uv him I Katie. Ye ought to hear Mr. Warmheart talkin' to her, for her goin' out, an' he a sayin' it was all her own fault, an' me a doin' (juite right to send the shirts ! Briixje r (taking up a pair of earrings, putting them in her ea>'s, and stiiiieying the effect in the mirror). Katie, I think he likes ye well, an' ye're a big fool to be throwin' yersilf away on ivery lad that comes alaang ! Katie {coming to the bureau, and taking a lace shawl and bright sash from the dra^aer, and putting them on). What do you mean, fJiddie .'' Is it Michael ye're speerin' at } Bridget. An' who else shood it be .' Katie. Didn't ye tell me yerself he's a fine honest young feller.'' What's to hinder me goin' with him.-* Bridget (putting a gold chaitt around Katie's neck). Nothing's to hinder. Honest young fellers is well RELIEF. 47 enoof, but lace shaals an' goold chains an' airrings an' marble fronts is better. Do ye forget Nora of Dun- blane ? Katie. Ah, no ; but there's no Clancey Le Baron to take me, Biddie ! Bridget. Ah, but if there doosn't be a son, there's a masther, Kittie, uv a noable hoose ! Katie. Hush, Biddie, ain't ye 'shamed .'' Bridget {pinnimr scdw cm-Is on Katie's head, and tying a )-iblwii around t/ic'ij!.) It's throo for me, Kittie. It's plane to be sane. Min's afificshuns is changible. She is aaf wid her charities an' her relafes ; he is alone wid his lonesome- ness ; ye're by wid yer handyness an' winnin' ways. Look in the glass, darlin'! Katie {s»nvv/ng hcrsi-lf ivith complacency). What shall I do, Biddie.' I've promised Michael for May-Day } Bridget. Howld him aff a bit, Kittie. 48 RELIEF. SCENE II. Mrs. Warmhearf s dining; room, g o'clock, P . M. Tabic waiting for one. Katie, very much dressed up, sits sac- ing on a shirt. On the table lies a novel, which she reads a little ; then, sighing deeply, resumes her sewing. The door opens, and in walks Michael. Michael. Good avenin' to yer, me own darlin' Kittie ! What a nice place ye're sittin' in, and how fine ye're hikin' the nigllt ! {Kissing her forehead.) Katie (impaliently.) Don't muss my hair, Michael ! Michael. Faith, Kittie, I wouldn't hurrt yer fethers for a dollar. V'e look like a quane I Katie. Where is yer collar, Michael .' and yer hair is all rough, and yer shoes is all mud. Michael {-wipino- his l>oots.) Whaat's coom over ye, Kate .'' It's yer novels (pick- ing up the hook, out of lohieh drops an application for relief) an yer Relafe is puttin' high notions into yer hid. Mind me wurrd, Katie — it's no good comes o' borrowin' an' beggin' at Relafes. Katie. Don't be preachin', Michael ! I'm tired of yer Scotch notions. RELIEF. 49 Michael. It's not Scotch, Katie. Me father's as good an Irish- man as ever drew breath, an' a thrue Finnigan. Katie. Don't say Finnigan, Michael, it's vulgar! Michael. Well, well, Katie, let the spache go. It's the heart is all right. {He draws up closer to her. 1 Ye're a fine, in- doostrious gerrul, a-stitchin' away. Is it yer weddin' dress ye're makin'? [Puts /n's arm around her.'] Katie (^half aiii^rily, half playfiillv.) There! I'll prick yer finger, you saucy fellow! It's a shirt I'm makin'. Michael. Is it fer me, Katie darlin' .'' Katie. It's fur Mr. Warmheart. She is so busy. Michael. Shame on the man's wife that ud be gettin' the makins uv his sherrts out o' the fingers uv a poor chambermaid ! Katie. Don't call me that again, Michael. [She begins to cry, and wipes her eyes with the shirt.] Michael. Whativer ye be, ye're the prittiest lassie in Ameriky, 50 RELIEF. Now don't be cryin', honey. [Pulling out a veiy dirty red haud kerchief from his pocket .^ he wipes her eyes and kisses her.^ Katie. What /A?7r you been eating, Michael ? Michael. Ah, but it's the kane smill ye ha\e wid yer straight nose ! It's the onyins 1 Shure, I thought the chaze ud hide it. Katie {liolding the shirt to her nose.) Faugh ! onions and cheese — how horrid ! Michael {catching her hand.) Let's see your thimble, Kittie. [He puts it on his little fin- ger and holds it up.} Well! ain't that a sight .^ What a wee bit uv a finger ye have, Kittie ! It's fit for a quane. Katie, what's them little thimbles the ladies wears in their ears an' round their necks. ^ Katie. Don't you know, Michael, you ignorant feller ? Them is charm bells, made out of the Court House Bell that fell in the fire. Michael. An' what are they for, Kittie } Katie. They are charms, Michael. I wish I had one ! Michael. Faith, Kittie, ye've too many charrums aalriddy fur a feller's pace o' mind ! [He makes a plunge at her.] RELIEF. 51 Katie {dodging.) I tell you, boy, you'll ruin my clothes! Go away ! there's Mr. Warmheart unlocking the front door! He is just home from New York. \Thc door opens, and a step is heard in the hall^ Hurry up, and not let him find ye here in such clothes ! Michael. Well, good night to ye, Kittie. I'll come soon agin. {He catches at her. .She pulls a-way. Zs'.tvV Michael. Enter IsIr. Warmheart.] Mr. Warmheart {pulling off his coat and laying his zurlise dojcm). Well, Katie, how are you all.'' So you've got some supper for me ! That's a good girl ! Where is Mrs. Warmheart .'' Katie {making a cup of coff'ee and handing it to him). She is gone to bed, sir. She came home from the Relief all tired out, [Mr. Warmheart, aside, ''■Hang the Relief "^^ and I told her I would keep everything com- fortable for you. Mr. Warmheart. That's right. I wish you'd get my dressing-gown — oh, no matter, I forgot — the sleeve is ripped out. Katie. I mended it, sir. Mr. Warmheart {looking at her in amazement). You mended it .? What makes you blush so.? It's nothing to be ashamed of, at least on your part. {.Still sipping the coffee.) This coffee is delicious ! Bridget is a splendid cook. 52 RELIEF. Katie. Bridget is gone out, sir. Mr. War.mheart. Who made the coffee.' Katie. I did, sir. Mr. War.mheart. Who told you to .' Katie. Nobody, sir. I just said, how cold he'll be, an' how good he is, an' what a pity mistress is sick just now, an' I'll just get him a cup o' coffee to cheer him uj) like. Mr. Warmheart. You are a treasure, Katie! Make another cup for me. [She pours coffee from the urn.'] You're growing hand- some, Katie! I expect that young man'll be carrying you off from us before long. Eh, Katie } K at I e (simpering) . Oh, no, sir! I'll never marry, [.She hands him the coffee.] Mr. Warmheart (noticing- her hand). What a small hand you have, Kate ! I believe it's smaller than my wife's. Katie. No, sir; my hand is not, but my foot is. [She looks at her foot.] Mr. Warmheart. What size boots do you wear } RELIEF. 53 Katie. I wear twos, sir. Mrs. Warmheart wears two-and-a- half. Mr. Warmheart. I'm glad of that. I've got a pair of boots that will just fit you. I was afraid they were too small for her. Bring me my valise. No, I'll get it myself; it's too heavy for you. \^He opens the valise and takes out a pair of hoots.\ Try those, Katie. Katie. Thank you, sir; you're \ery kind, sir. {She pulls at the hoot, hut does not get it on.] I'm afraid it's too small, sir. Mr. Warmheart. Let me try. I think I can get it on. I always have to put on my wife's boots a few times, till they get stretched. [He takes the hoot out of her hand.l . Katie {drawing haek). No, I'd rather not. She might not like it. Mr. Warmheart. Like what 1 She can't wear the boots. I reckon I can give them away if I like. There, take them. Bridget'll help you put them on sometime. [He sits down and opens a newspaper?\^ Katie {still ucrcome by his feelings, he pulls out his red hand- kerchief and zvipes his eyes.'] But she'll niver have it to say that Michael Mahoney begridged her e'er a prisint, or spake an ill wurrd uv her to e'er anither gerrul. Katie {oying and sobbing and elinging to Bridget). Ah ! Michael, I cannot wear it ! [Offering him the ribbon.] Michael {refusing to take it back). Niver, till I die, Katie! Bridget (taking the charm bell and putting it in her pocket). Hush up yer cryin', child ! Don't ye hear the knocking .'' \A knock at the door. Bridget opens it. Enter Teddy O'Brien, 64 RELIEF. cariying a basket in his right hand^ and with his wife Maggie, dressed in gayattii-e, hanging affectionately ou his left arm. Bridget in apparent astonishment^ Who's this is here? Is it the ghost uv ye, Tiddy O'Brien ? Where did ye kape yersel' this many a laang day? Shure an' I was moornin' ye for dead ! Teudv (taking off his hat to the Lidies). Deferr yer moornin', coosin Biddie, for another day. I'm as fresh as a June rosebud. An' many thanks to ye for the basket ye was after lendin' me, and the fine shirruts. l.uk, but they fit good! Divil a shirrut me owld woman iver made to bate the like o'that! [He dis- plays his shirt hosom luith a huge paste cross pinned on ?V.] Mrs. O'Brikn. Ah, but it's glad he is, afther all his shirruts and his baskets, to be coomin' home to his wapin' family, an' he desertin' his poor wife — the brute that he is! Teddy. 'Dade it's Maggie is the jewel uv a wife! And wasn't I afther findin' her all dhressed in dape black, like a throo Christian widdy in herr wades? Maggie. I'll jist take good care uv the wades. I may be wantin' em soon agin. Teddy. 'Dade, but you'll not, I promise ye ! There is no more Relafe now, and husbands is not to be dispised. But what is the throuble with Katie O'Dowd ? Is her RELIEF. 65 sewing machine broke? [Katie has hccu sit/inx- in a fhair 'iuith lie )■ fail' fi tin', -if in her aproii?[ Mrs. O'Brien. Whisht wid yer sewin' machines ! Teddy (turning; to Mich.\EL, loho staiu/s ivith foldi-d arms, and tjes fixed on Ihi i^roitiid). Mikky, me boy, are ye offindid, that ye have no gra- tins for yer old friends that does be dhrinkin' yer toasts fur ye .'' Mrs. O'Hrien. Whislit wid yer dhrinks! Hkinr.ET. An' did ye say the Rehife is given up ? [Katie /ifts uf her head and dries her eyes.^ Teddy. Be gorra! an' it is, for ivery woman as has a good, sober husband to supporrt her ! Mrs. O'Brien. Faith, an' it is, for ivery able-bodied man as can airrun his own whiskey! Katie [stea/ini: a -lanee at Michael). What will we do. Kiddie.? Bkidcet. Shure an' what'll we do! Hear the (piestion uv the gerrul, an' she a i)uttin' on airs an' raipoolsin' the attin- tions uv as gintale a yoong Scotchman as iver was born in Corruk ! s 66 RELIEF. Tl•.I)I)^ . It's throo for me, Michael I Howld up your hed, boy ! Is it afther breakin' yer plidge to yer line owld leddy uv a niither ye are, that ye've lost the toong uv yer mouth ! Niver touch the intaaxicating coop, Michael ! Katik. 'Dade, an ye'd better save yer advice for them that needs it, Mister O'Brien ! Bridget. Throo for her I Shure it's niver a cint of Michael Mahoney's money that goes for the dhrinks I Its buyin' prisints an' valentines for his swateheart he is I Luk at that for a charrum for a gerrul to take pride in ! [.S7/(- pulls the charm bell from her pocket and puis it (irouiid¥^AT:\^\ ueck. Katie brightens up,and glattces at MlCHAEL, 7i'ho still keeps his eyes on the floor, hut moves his foot nervously?^ And hasn't he the finest new cottage in all Chicarger — jist builded in the suboorbs, well away from the fire? Teddv. An' it's waitin' I am to drink to the hilth of Mistriss Kittie Mahoney. Bridget. An' ha\en't I me gloves bought fur the ciremony .^ Maggie. An' haven't I the makins uv as fine a bride cake as is in all Ameriky .^ Teddy. An' the raisins and the currints jist frish from the Relafe, an' a dhraap o' good brandy alaang wid it ! RELIEF. 67 Katik. I won't ha\ e anything from the Relief. BRIDCiET. An' it"s well said, gerrul, wid sooch a hoosbind ! It's the likes o' poor cooks like mesel' as has niver a body to set a stitch, but does be jist slavin' wid their two hands, that's nadin' sewin' machines. K.ATIE. I'll make ye a i)resent of it on my weddin' day, Biddie. \_Shc i^lanccs at Michael, and tosses her head so as to jiiigh- tlic ohariii /'<■//.] Michael {/i/'t/>/g up his eves and /ookiiig steadi/v at her). An' I am axin' ye once more, Kittie O'Dowd, in the prisince uv these witnesses — Will ye say May-Day.' Katie. An' haven't I said it, Mikky.' \A'ould ye have me repeat it e\ery day } Teddy. Ah ! but she's the gerrul for ye I [^Exit Bridget and Maggie, talking together. Teddy fo/Ioms, si/iging, " }'(' hn'ers (?//."] Michael (timid/v approaehing Katie, and loiping his month 7oith his red handkerehief). Kittie, darlin', there's no onyins nor chaze to-night ! [//<• sits beside her and puts his arm on the />aeh of he)- ehair^ Katie. Indeed, Mikky, onions is not disagreeable to me ! 68 RELIEF. Michael {stivkiui; her hair). Don't be afeard, Kittie, I'll not muss your curruls ! K A IIE. Indeed, Mikky, do ye think a girl is made of glass, that ye touch her so tenderly ? My hair is me own ; it'll not be fallin' off, I promise you. [.S'//<' stands up, and taking out her coiiil> shakes do-wn her sliiniiii; yello-<.< hair />e/ore Michael's enraptured eyes.'] MlClIAKL. Ah! but ye're the angel uv me dhrames ! [J/e puts his arm around her ^oaist, outside of her hair, thus pullini; her head Terv far l>aek^ Katie {/>earinL,^ it as /om^ as she ean). Please, dear Mikky, ye're hurtin' me neck. [Michael jumps as if shot, pulls a^vay his arm, and steps />aek.] K atie (laughi/ii,dy). Don't be angry, Mikky! [.She eatehes him and puts her hand through his ani/.~\ May-Day '11 soon be here, Mikky. M KHAKI.. Do you jjromise me thrue, Kittie .-* Katie. An' isn't my wcddin' dress made.' An' isn't my sewin' machine given away.-' .An' isn't the Rklikf F".xi)K1).' 1872. FOURTH YEAR. 1872. The Lakeside Monthly The Literary Magazine of the Interior. LEADING FEATURES OF THE LAKESIDE ARE : SHOET STOEIES AND POEMS, INDEPENDENT POLITICAL AETIOLES, DESOEIPTIVE SKETCHES, Papers relating to the Groic'th of Chicago a /id the JFest, Popular Scientific Articles, Sketches of Travel and Adventure, Literary Criticisms and Reviews, Etc., Etc. THE LAKESIDE is handsomely printed on fine tinted paper, and in mechanical appearance is second to no magazine in the country. No pains will be spared to malce it in every respect a ,-fFir.Qt=clas.'S Hitcrarj) ant( ^^Jopular iHagajiiu. TERMS— $3 per Tear, in Advance. Addresslall Communications to THE UNIVERSITY PUBLISHING COIVIPANY, 62 South Cajtal Street, Chicago. Jia Eiegsat asd' FaliiafeJe BgQkt LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 017 400 064 5 RED-LINE EDITION Lakeside Fire Memorial A beautiful volume, printed on heavy tinted paper, bound in bevelled boards, with gilt edgesv containing, in addition to the wood-cut series of " CHICAGO BEFORE THE HRE," TWELVE BEAUTIFUL FULL-PAGE : [Ihotoigraphic |]ieii'fi of thi^ |umfi of l/li^^^P- " We have seen but few books issued from the American press superior as a whole in artistic finish. In intrinsic value it is a necessary supplement to any collection of books which pretends to embody a complete reference to the important events in the historj- of our people and time." — Chicago Tiiitcs. " An elegant and valuable volume — more significant and more enduring as a monument of the Fire than any pile of burnt-out Safes or other relics. It is certainly the best, fullest, most reliable and most picturesque account of the Fire that has appeared^ — in fact, it is worth all the rest put together." — Chicago Ez'ening Post. THE LAKESIDE FIRE MEMORIAL Contains all the matter of the famous "Fire Number" of The Lakeside Monthly, with some additional matter, the whole pre- pared by fifteen of the best writers of Chicago, and giving what is acknowledged to be the Best, most Reliable and most Readajile account of Chicago and her Burning that has been presented to tiie public. PFtlCE:. S5.00. For sale by all leading Booksellers. Sent by mail , post-paid, on receipt of price, by the Publishers, THE UNIVERSITY PUBLISHING CO., 62 South Canal St., Chicago.