PS 1769 .H68 N5 Copy 1 1 ^ Cents ^rlERICAN DRAMA CHICAGO TI1E DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY What Became of Parker A FARCE-COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS BY MAURICE HAGEMAN. Author of Hector — A Crazy Idea — First Kiss — By Telephone— \ Mrs. Mulcahy— To Rent— Prof. Robinson j Hageman's Make-up Book— Etc. j CHICAGO THE DRAMATIC PUBI.ISHING COMPANY. ^■Lo \ TWO COPIES HfcCEWED. .W^^ ^ 17989 Cas^ of Characters. Fred Parker, a wholesale dry goods merchant. William Torrence, his partner. Jeremiah Growler, a retired business man. James Jones. ;; ,^ Mr. Harrison, a capitalist from ChicagOf GOweJ^^ Dr. Rogers. Police-Sergeant Ripley, Otto, a waiter. Vivian, Parker's wife. Mildred Green, her maiden Hebe Worthy, Growler's niece, Cora, maid at Parkers. The action of the first act takes place in Parker's apartments, Chicago. The following acts are laid at the Park Hotel in Waukesha. Plays Two and One-Half Hours. Copyright 1898 by the Dramatic Publishing Company, Chicago. Notice. The professional acting rights of this play are reserved by the publishers, from whom written permission must be obtained before performance. All persons giving unauthorized productions will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. This notice does not apply to amateurs, who may perform the play without permission. /Z-^V^ n What Became of Parker ACT I. Scene : Room in Parker's flat, furnished to denote comfort- able circumstances. Fred and "Vivian discovered. Vivian. [Occupied ivith some embroidery, seated l,.] Fred, Fred, dear! Fred, [Seated n. absorbed in the reading of a newspaper, without looking up.] Eh? Vivian. [Aside.] He won't pay any attention to me! [Aloud.] Fred, ifs after ten. Fred. [Aside.] This is getting tiresome! [Aloud.] Can't you see that I am busy? Vivian. [Smiling.] Why, you are only reading the news- paper! Fred. "Only reading the newspaper!" It's of the greatest importance to me; a merchant, above all others, must know what is going on in the world. Vivian. [Rising and approaching him.] Thanks for the in- formation, dear! [Looks at the paper over Fred's shoulder.] Only, I was not aware that the reading of the serial story was necessary for your mercantile information. [Laughs.] Ha-ha-ha. Fred. It seems to me you are getting slightly sarcastic of late, Vivian! I suppose that's the result of being so much in the com- pany of your venerable aunt! Vivian. Oh, poor, innocent aunt Mildred! Fred. She's a confounded nuisance around here, and I Vv^ish she'd leave us alone. Vivian. I am glad to have her company. What would I do all alone the live long day, while you are at the office? Fred. I don't know! It seems to me that a woman who is keeping house can easily find more useful occupation than gossip- ing her time away. Vivian. I, gossip? Fred, That's all women do when they meet! Vivian. How awfully gallant you are today! Fred. Then don't aggravate me with your eternal back talk! Vivian. Do you think that a woman must always be of the same opinion as her husband? Fred. No, of course not! But no matter what I say, you always manage to hold a different opinion! Usually, you won't even let me finish what I am saying, but interrupt me before you Vivian. [Interrupting him.] I never did anything like that in my life! It's impolite! Only, what's the use, when I know exactly what you are going to say? 4 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. Fred. Exactly, there yon interrupt me again! You imagine you know, a^fd answer accordingly! That's just like a woman! Viv an! Why should you suppose that we women are abso- lulll devoid of any comm^^ Now, I can give you a few "^YretiMerricpting her.] According to the latest fnatj)mi^^^^ statistics it is a proven fact that the j^vem^e mascuhne brain weicrhs fully ten per cent more than the female. vTvian. Ah, this time you interrupted me! Fmf. That' has nothing to do with the q^^^^lf^' ^ou are merely trying to avoid it, because my argument is "^/^^^^Yf^.^,*^^^^ Vivi'iii Fred you are getting meaner every day! I wish I had never m'arried!' "^^unt Mildred always says a woman is much "^ F^red! t thoughl'so! That old vixen is trying to poison your "^ vfyffiu" Sh'is at least kinder to me than you are. \ Enter Torreuce c. d. ivith a bundle of letters and papers m his *■ hand.] Torrpiice, I say, Fred, are you not coming over to the office loiieiice, 1 bdy, (jtj X beg your pardon. Good morning, Mrs'krSr? iTnd^^^^^^ is forgetting all about the """^^^ G^od is Ji^ning, M'To^rrence. No, not exactly, I called hilatttntion to the fact that it was after ten some time ago. YrlT [Irritated.] So.you did, but m w^ ^/nner? Torreuce. There's no explanation needed, old fellow! 1 can ealdr'nderstand how hard^t is for a loving ccniple to separate even thoucrh it be only for a few hours. [To \ i^»aiiO btill neces sity knovvino law, madam, and you will excuse me if I carry off your husband, as I must consult him in regard to several import- n^at^o^r m^e'^^^^^ it Mr. Torreuce. I am not keeping him Hhe least. [Sits doion again andtakes ^^i^^'^^jf 'f ;,^^f l^;^ Fred. Go ahead. Bill! I'll be at the office in less than ten ""To'^rmice All right. [Aside to Fred.] Not yet over the ho?ey r^oon, eh? Nol don't prolong the sad and lovmg farewell %rlT'[^^astically.] There's not much danger of that! Torreuce. Good morning, Mrs. Parker. I hope you'll pardon myTntrusL, but business, you know [Shaking his fiiiger atYreil:] I'll ^'ive you just fifteen minutes by tho clock! [Exit tog/migr a d ^^^^f^i^^j,!,, newspaper together, and i^^^^^ several times stealthily towards his wife f «;:f^l ^ Ye" No to kiss her as usual, but it would look as if I gav^e into her. iNo. i can't afford to do it. [Puts the neicspaper under his arm and WHAT BECAME OP PARKER. 5 clears his throat] Hm! Hm! [Goes iqj stage to c. d. and turns round.] Yivian. [Has been nervouslij occupied ivith her emhroiderv throwing repeated glances towards her husband. Aside.] He is really going without kissing me good-bve! Fred. [Again clearing his throat.] Hm! Hm! Vivian. [Looks at him, throics her embroidery aside, jumps ur> and runs towards him.] Fred, dearest! ^ j- ^ Fiya [Embracing her.] My darling! [They come down stage together.] ^ Vivian. If I hadn't looked around you would have left me without kissing me. Fred. And if I hadn't coughed you wouldn't have looked around. Vivian. Yes I would. I couldn't have helped myself. But we have both been acting like children, to quarrel about nothing the tiret thing in the morning. Fred. Well, it's all over and forgotten now, sweetheart! Vivian. How did it really come about? Fred. There's no need to talk about it any more. Good bve dep,r! -' ' Vivian. No, just wait a minute! Let me think how it started! *red. I can't keep Torrence waiting any longer, my love! Vivian. Now, just one second to oblige me! Let me see! Oh yes, I remember now. I reminded you that it was past ten. That was the beginning! Fred. The beginning wasn't the thing. The trouble was at the end. Let's start from there and then go back. You said I was getting meaner every day, and wished you had never married me! Vivian. [Regretfully.] I did— but Fred. " But "— " but!" There really was no excuse for it! You must admit that you were wrong! Vivian. [Slightly j^rovoked.] Now, don't commence again ' Fred. [Sighing.] Heaven forbid! Vivian, Previously you had said something which provoked me. Let me see! Oh, yes, you said women had no brains! I red. There you exaggerate again! Vivian. [Decisively.] No, there's no use of you denying it I am quite positive. [Coaxingly.] Come, Fred, be a good, dear little husband, and admit that it was all your fault, and that you are sorry you said so; then everything will be lovelv again. Fred. But I never said so. I can't admit what I didn't say It wouldn't be logical! Vivian. Whenever you are wrong you commence to throw your logic at me! I am only asking this as a favor. Fred. But there's no sense in what you ask of me! Be reason- able, my dear. [About to embrace her.] Vivian. [Evading him] Leave me alone. I detest you! 6 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. Fred. There you go again! Like all women! You are demand- ing what is impossible for me to grant, and when I try to explain Vivian. [Putting her hands to her ears.] I don't need any of your explanations! Fred. Of course not! You're as obstinate as— as Vivian. Oh, go ahead! Don't mind my feelings! You meant, I am as obstinate as a mule! That's it! First you called me a vixen, and now I'm a mule! Fred. I never called you a vixen, nor was it my intention to compare you to a mule. But since it am uses you to pervert every- thing I say Vivian. And I neglect my household duties, and do nothing but gossip my time away! Ob, I have a good memory! Fred. [Angrily.'] This is getting unbearable. [Lifts up a chair and slams it dow7i again.] You would try an angel's patience! Vivian. [Shrinks together as if in fear.] I won't stand this treatment. I suppose you'll be beating me next! Oh, my nerves! [Sinks dou-n on a chair.] Fred. The old story! When a woman's come to the end of her wits, she falls back on her nerves! Vivian. [Sobbing.] You — you're a heartless m-m-monster! Fred. Of course I am. I'm a monster and a tyrant. The most bruial and inhuman of all the notorious Spanish inquisitors was only a lamb compared to me! Why don't you add that I am slowly torturing you into an early grave? You might as well! Vivian. [Crying.] Oh! Mildred. [Entering c. d.] Good morning, children. [Sees \i\iSLn iviping her eyes,] Aha! Crying, eh? [Looking at T red f who is excitedly walking up and doivn.] Are you traming for a foot-race? So, we've had another seance, eh? Fred. It wasn't my fault. Vivian. It certainly wasn't mine. Fred. No, — Vivian is not feeling well. She's had an attack of the nerves! Mildred. Indeed? So much the better! Vivian. [AstonisJied.] Eh? Mildred. I meant— for my purpose. I told you it was my in- tention to leave to-day for some watering place. Fred. Oh, yes, I remember it quite well. [Anxiously.] You haven't changed your mind. have you? Mildred. I've been putting it off constantly, because I was afraid something might happen to me! Fred. Oh, no, impossible. Nothing could ever happen to you ! Mildred. When a lady is all alone, she's often helpless Frpd. You are old enough to take care of yourself! Mildred. Now, last night an excellent idea struck me, and so to-day I come to ask you a great favor. WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 7 Fred. It's near the first of the month, and I am unable to help you, aunt. Mildred. No, no, you misunderstand me! Fred. Well, what is it then. Mildred. Let me take Vivian with me; we won't stay away longer than a month. Fred. [Quickly and firmly.] With the greatest pleasure! Yiviaii. [Rises quickly; agitated, aside.] With the greatest pleasure! Mildred. Did you hear, Vivian? Your husband doesn't object. Will you come with me? Vivian. [Restraining her emotion ; quickly.] Certainly, aunt Mildred. I'll be delighted! Fred. [Aside.] Delighted, eh? Cora. [Entering c. d. carrying a srnall tray with a visiting card. To Fred.] There's a gentleman would like to see you, sir! Fred. To see me? Tell him to go to my office and speak to my partner. Cora. He's just come from the office; and Mr. Torrence sent him here to see you, sir! Fred. [Taking the card and reading.] " Horace D. Wallpole!" One of our customers, I think. Ask him to go to the office again. I'll meet him there in about five minutes. Cora. Very well, sir. [Exit c. d.] Mildred. [ Who has been conversing aside ivith ViTian.] You heard it yourself, he doesn't mind your going. Vivian. Did you say, '* with the greatest pleasure," Fred? Fred. Yes! I think aunt Mildred's plan an excellent one. You'll have a chance to recuperate your nervous system while you're away from me. Mildred. Exactly. Vivian, Very well then. I'll come with you, aunt, with the greatest pleasure! Fred. [Astonished, aside.] Eh? Mildred. Then it's all settled! Your household is so small that the servants will be able to look after your husband's comfort. Fred. Oh, that's a matter of no consequence! Vivian. Yes, only I intended to have a general housecleaning next week. [Looks at Fred expectantly.] Mildred. The servants can do it very well, while you're away. Vivian. There should be someone here to superintend it! Mildred. Oh, Fred can do that! Fred. [Ironically I] Oh, certainly, why not? [Aside grumb- ling.^ I— superintend housecleaning! Mildred. Well, everything is fixed now. You'd better start your packing at once. Mine is all ready! Vivian. [Hesitating.] There are several other things I'll have 8 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. to attend to. I can't leave Fred so suddenly, without looking after his wants first. Mildred. Now, what's the use of making all this unnecessary fuss? Fred, Of course, there is no use whatever. Why don't you do as your aunt tells you? Mildred. You haven't to be fed with a spoon any more, have you? Fred. Oh, I'll go without eating altogether, if you say so. Mildred. You didn't starve when you were a bachelor. Yivian. But since our marriage he is being somewhat spoiled, aunt. I have looked after all his needs and comforts, and Fred. Don't you worry about me, my dear. I'll eat with Torrence at some hotel or restaurant. It'll be a change at least! Yivian. [Looks at him reproachfully.] Mildred. Come, come, we're only losing time for nothing! Give me your keys, and I'll help you with your packing. We'll be able to catch the one o'clock train. Fred. [Ironically.] If you should need my services, I'll Yivian. [Spitefully.] Thaaks. We'll do very well without them. Mildred. Oh, come along, Vivian! [Exuent Mildred and Yivian l.] Fred. [Looking after them.] Confound her aunt! Torrence. [Entering c. d.] What's the matter, Fred? I sent that young man to you and you sent him back to the office? I've brought him back with me. Fred, Young man? Oh, yes! [Takes the visiting card from his vest pocket and reads.] "Horace D. Wallpole!" Isn't that one of our customer's in Joplin, Missouri? Torrence. Exactly. He gave this young man his card by way of introduction to us. His own name is Jones, James Jones. He wants you to do something for him. Fred. Oh, I see! Well, Wallpole's all right, and I'll try to oblige him. [Puts the card hack in his pocket.] Torrence. You'd better come along. You'll have to look over the English mail, and I want to see you about several things, especially if it would be safe to extend any credit to Maclaine, Watson & Co., in Duluth. Fred. [Lost in thought, leaning his head on his haiidx; half aside.] Only one month — four weeks! [Sighing and sometvhat louder.] Thirty days! Torrence. That isn't long enough! Fred, What? Not long enough? Torrence. They want ninety days! Fred. Who? Torrence. Maclaine, Watson & Co., of course! Fred. [Slowly.] Oh, Maclaine, Watson & Co. Torrence. Whom did you think I was talking about? WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 9 Fred. I was thinking of my wife. Torrence. During your engagement to her you used often to be absent-minded. Well, then I didn't blame you, all love-sick people are more or less [Pantomimic gesture expressing flight of mind.] But now that you've been married almost two years— — Fred. [Suddenly interrupting Mm.] Bill, think of it, my wife is going away to a summer resort with her aunt for a whole month! Torrence. Splendid idea! Fred. What? Torrence. I meant, if your wife is ill, it's a splendid idea for her to go there! Fred. But she isn't ill. Never was healthier in her life. It's her aunt who is kidnapping her. That old she-dragon is in the habit of bursting in upon us like a thirteen inch shell. To-day we've had one of her explosions, and she's turned everything up- side down. Torrence. My dear fellow, nov/ be sensible ! There's no harm in a short separation! You know the old adage: " Absence makes the heart grow fonder!" Fred. Bah, what does a confirmed bachelor like you under- stand of these things? Torrence. More than you suppose! We look upon these things in a rational and sensible way, at least. Fred, I won't be able to exist without her! Torrence. You'll get used to it. Fred. Never. Torrence. You'll'work a little harder, and your little wife will have a capital time! Fred. A capital time. What do you mean? How could she have a capital time without me? Torrence. For a married man you seem to want a considerable amount of information from a confirmed bachelor! You ought to be better posted about these things! Don't you know that there is always a lot of gay young fellows at those places? Fred. [Grabbing 'hold of Torrence's arm, excitedly.] Gay young fellows? Are you sure? If she ever should meet any man whom she would prefer to me, I tell you I'd [Shaking Tor- rence violently.] Torrence. [Disengaging himself, laughing.] Here, here. Don't lay violent hands on me. I'm sure it isn't my fault. [Rubbing his arm.] But why do you allow her to go? Fred. I never did! Torrence. Then all you've got to do is to ask her to stay home ! Fred. [After reflecting a short while.] Hm!— why, I can't do that very well. It would compromise my dignity as— as — [Sud- denly.] Say, Will, do me a favor, have a talk with Vivian and try 10 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. to persuade her not to go. TeJl her I have fatty degeneration of the heart, that any shock may kill me, and that Widow's weeds won't be becoming to her particular style of beauty! Torreuce. [Determined.] No, Fred. I am your partner in business, but not in private matters. You must excuse me! Fred. You might mention the subject in an off hand uncon- cerned way. You can easily do it, if you stay here for your lunch! Torrence. No, thanks, old fellow. [Declaiming.] At meal time no one ever sat With comfort 'twixt a dog and cat! Fred. Thanks, you're very complimentary. [Enter Vivian l.. Quickly, and aside to Torrence.] There she is now. Go and talk to her like a good, old chap. [Commences to whistle uncon- cernedly, looks at his trife, and exit r.] Vivian. [Nervously and ivith ill-concealed anxiety.] Mr. Torrence, what did my husband say to you? Torrence. That he's about to become a grass-widower. Vivian. He rather seems to like the idea of our separation. Torrence. It should be a pleasure to him to grant your lightest wish, madam! Vivian. But it isn't my wish at all. Aunt Mildred came, invited me to accompany her, and asked for his sanction. He said I could go "with the greatest pleasure." Just think of it! We had previously passed through a little domestic scen-e, that is to say, it really didn't amount to much — just as sometimes happens between the most devoted Torrence. [Absent minded.] Dog and cat. [Quickly trying to redress himself.] I beg your pardon, a slip of the tongue. I meant husband and wife, of course. Vivian. Mr. Torrence, do you think my husband is rather glad at my going? Torrence. I don't think so. Vivian. [Gladly.] Really. Well, then, all he has to do is to tell me so; I'll let aunt Mildred travel alone and stay home. Torrence. A change of air will be beneficial to you. Vivian. I don't need any change of air. I am in excellent health. Torrence. [Shaking his head earnestly.] Take my advice, Mrs. Parker, and go. Vivian. [Anxiously.] What do you mean? Why should I? Torrence. You see, when two young people get married they first live in the seventh heaven of bliss. Vivian. Quite true, so we did. Torrence. But this life is not all sunshine. After a while some clouds appear, even in the connubial heaven. Vivian. So they did with us, [Quickly,] that is, only small ones. Torrence. We human beings are peculiarly organized; we never WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 11 appreciate suflficiently what we fully possess. Should your hus- band lose your companionship«for a while, he will learn to value your presence all the more, and estimate your good qualities all the better. Viyian, Do you really think so? Torrence. I am quite positive of it. You will return to him as if for a second honeymoon, and he will again carry you on his hands. Vivian. [Overjoyed.] How lovely that would be. Yes, my mind is made up. I'll go. It will be for his and my own happi- Torrence. That's right. Now you are looking at it in the proper light. Vivian. But I have one favor to ask of you, Mr. Torrence. Keep a watch over hira, and take good care that he behaves him- self during my absence. Torrence. Have no fear. I'll keep him so busy at the office that he won't have time to breath, let alone to celebrate. Vivian. And then there is one other request I have to make. It is Fred's intention to take his meals with you at a hotel or restaurant. I wish you would both eat here at our table. I'll give the cook an entire menu for every day during my absence. I know all your favorite dishes, and you will have no fault to find. Torrence. Very kind of you. If it is doing you a favor I'll lunch and dine here. Vivian. Thank you. [Gives him her hand.] Now, I'll go and finish my packing with a lighter heart. [Exit l..] Torrence. [Looking after her.] And yet to say farewell will be a trial to the little woman. But I have done my duty. Fred. [Entering from r.] Well, what did she say? Torrence. She is going. Fred. She is? Didn't you try to make her change her mind? Torrence. You ought to know women better. When they've made up their minds to do a thing there's no use to argue. Your better half has made up her mind to accompany her aunt. That's the eiid of it. Fred. Oh, that confounded busy-body. [Strikes his forehead distractedly.] Why did I speak those hasty, thoughtless words: "wMth the greatest pleasure?" Torrence. I couldn't tell you, I'm sure. One thing I do know, she is the most considerate little wife I ever met. You have no idea how anxious she is about your welfare during her trip. But here, I am talking my time away while that young man isw^aiting. Will you see him here or come back with us to the office? Fred. I can't come just yet. I will have to get some money ready for her first. Torrence. Then I'd better send that young fellow up here? 12 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. Fred. Just as you like. I suppose he's iti need of some financial aid. Torn^iice. Probably. And what abo'it Maclaine, Watson & Co? Shall we give them ninety days credit? Fred. Ninety Acars, for all I care. [?Jxit dejectedly r.] Torr.eiice. Now, there's an up-to-date business man for you. Cora. [Enters c. d. followed bi/ Hebe.] Please, step in this room, Miss. I will call the lady. [E.vit Ij J Hebe. I was told at her appartments that I should find Miss Green here. Have I the pleasure to see Mr. Parker? Torrence. I. beg your pardon, Miss. I am his partner. Won't you please take a chair? Hebe. Thank you, sir. [Silfi doivn.] Torreiice. Miss Green will be here directly, I presume. Will you kindly excuse me? [Exit c. d. after hoin'ng.] Cora. [Enters l.] Miss Green asks if you will kindly wait a few minutes; ehe is busy packing a trunk. Hebe. Certainly. 'Thank you. Cora. [Goes tqj stage to c. d. and meets James Jones, icho enters.] Jones. [To Cora.] Mr. Parker's partner told me I v/ould find him up here. (!ora. Please step in, sir. He'll be here directly. [Exit c. d.] Jones. [.Sees Hebe.] Ah! [Boies.] Have I the pleasure to see Mrs. Parker? Hebe- [Rises.] No, sir, I am only a stranger here, and wait- ing to see Miss Green, Mrs. Parker's aunt. Jones. Then I hope you'll be more successful on your errand than I have been on mine. I want to see Mr. Parker. I went to his office this morning, his partner sends me here, he sends me back to his partner at the office^ his partner takes me back from the office, and brings me here, saying I'll find him here. But I don't find him here. I wonder where he is? Hebe. I'm sure I'm unable to tell you, sir. Jones. Of course you are, since you are also a stranger here. But, please, be seated again. Hebe. [Sits dou-n again,] Jones. [Aside.] Charming young lady. [Aloud.] Will you allow me to assist you in waiting. Miss? Hebe. Certainly, sir. Jones. [After a short j^ciuse.] It's so much nicer to wait in company. Hebe. Yes, sir. [Short pause.] . Jones. In this life everything is born easier when it is shared, happiness as well as sorrow. Hebe. Yes, sir. Jones, [After a short pause.] Do you live here in Chicago, madam. Hebe. Yes, sir. WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 13 Jones. It seems rather a dusty and smoky place. Must be a j^rood town for the laundry business. Still, I shall be glad to remain here for a while. / Hebe, And I am glad to get away from here for some time. Jones. Are you going to leave here? I'm sorry to hear it. Hebe. I've come here to ask Miss Green, who leaves to-day, to keep rooms at her hotel reserved for us, Jones. May I ask where you are going? Hebe. We are going to a summer resort I go as companion and nurse of an invalid, old uncle of mine. Jones, That must be a rather tiresome job. Hebe. Oh, no, sir, not at all I owe everything to my uncle, and to do one's duty should never be tiresome. Jones. So dutiful, and yet so young, madam. Hebe. Should youth be a barrier to the performance ot one s Jones. [Enthusiastically.] At last I have found the white raven I have been looking for; a young lady with principles. Hebe. You are making fun of me, sir. Jones. Not at ail, madam, I never was more serious m all my life. Now-a-days most young ladies are superficial, all they think of are their dresses and'their amusements. Hebe. What of the voung gentlemen, though? Are they all perfection? Most of them are flirts, and weaiy us with their stale compliments. Jones. Luckily there are exceptions. Hebe. I have never met them. Jones. [Confused] Indeed? [Short pause.] It seems they have forgotten all about us. [Picks up a book.] Hebe. You must be getting tired of waiting. Don t let me prevent yoii from reading, sir. . , -, .^ ■ -, 11 Jones. I beg your pardon. I merely picked up this book by accident. I did not mean to be rude. [Aside.] She has some spirit, too. She's simply adorable. Miltage to l. towards hotel. On the steps he meets Fred, loho enters fromhotel. hi passing him.] Good morning, sir! [Exit in hotel l,.] 34 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. Fred. [Coming down the stepa.] Good morning! [Aside.] He didn't recognize me!— Good! [Goes to arbor l. and sees the ladies inside] Oh,— excuse me, ladies! [Aside.] Now to be on my guard! [Goes to r. sits doivn at a table, arid takes out a 7ieivs- paper.] Vivian. [Softly to Mildred.] Aunt,— it is Fred,— I'm sure!— It's his walk exactly! Mildred. Nonsense!— Fred has a full beard! Vivian. He has shaved it off!— Only — I have never seen him wear a suit like that! Mildred, That he could easily have bought! — But it's an easy matter to lind out whether it is Fred or not! [Rises.] Just watch him! [Goes to c. and tiums up stage, calling :] Fred! Fred. [Holding the neivspaper in front of him;— aside.] Yes, go ahead! — Holler your lungs out, you old catamaran! Mildred. [Louder.] Fred!— Fred! Fred. [Still louder.] Oh, Fred! [To Mildred.] You want a waiter, madam? Mildred. . No, thank you sir! Fred. Excuse me, madam! [Staves at Mildred with wide open eyes.] Mildred. [Returning to the arbor l. Aside.] I really believe it is Fred! — The way he stared at me reminds me of the malicions "glances he honors me with when at home! [To Vivian.] Vivy, — you were right! It is he! [Sits down again.] Oh, just you wait, Mr. Fred! (irrowler, [Entering, from hotel l. accompanied by Hebe.] Now, Hebe, — try and remember all the doctor's orders! — At eight in the morning — three glasses of spring water, — then one hour's walk! Hebe. Then your breakfast, — very light! Growler. Hm! — Did he say so? Hebe. Oh, yes, — uncle! — I'm sure! Growler. Well, at eleven more water, and a hot bath, followed by a cold shower! Hebe. Then you'll have to lie down for an hour before youi lunch,— also light! Growler. Hm,— yes!— I suppose so!— Then after lunch he'll give me electric treatment!— Before retiring — a sponge bath!— Now — there's a doctor who understands his profession! — He keeps me busy pretty near all day, but I may expect some results from his treatment! Hebe. [Motioning towards arbor l,.] Uncle,— there is Miss Green and her niece! Won't you speak to them and thank them for their kindness? Growler. No, — no!— That medical examination has worn me out! — Vou can do so later on! — I am in need of some rest now! [Sits doivn r. at a table behind Fred.] Come, sit down here! [Hebe sits down beside him. Enter Jones from hotel l.] Don't WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 35 turn round just now, Hebe, — but there's that officious individual, of whom I had such trouble to get rid a little while ago! Hebe. [Slowly turning round and looking over her shoulder towards Jones ivho is approaching the arbor l,.] Ah. is that he? Jones. [To Mildred a/id Vivian.] So, — my correspondence is finished! — Will the ladies permit me to keep them company? [The ladies smile and nod. Jones takes a seat beside Vivian.] Fred. [Watching them behind his newspaper : — aside.] They seem on a rather familiar footing! [Grunting.] Hm! — it didn't take them long! Mildred. [Rising.] I hope you'll excuse me for a little while, Mr. Jones, — but I have an appointment with Dr. Rogers! — After I get through with him, we'll take our drive, Vivian! [Smiles and nods to Jones, throws an inquisitive glance towards Fred, and exit in hotel l..] Fred. [Aside.] The old fool — to leave those two alone! Jones. My dear Mrs. Parker, — I am glad to find an opportun- ity to see you alone for a moment! — I have something on my mind, and would like to explain to you why I have followed you here. Vivian. You followed me? — I thought you came here for your health! Jones. To be candid with you — there is no health resort in existence, which could cure my malady! Vivian. [Astonished.] Ah! Jones. Since I called at your house, day before yesterday, — I am suffering here! [Points at his heart.] Fred. [Who has caught his ivords; — aside.] I'll kill that impudent scoundrel! Jones. [Softly to Vivian.) I am in love, — head over heels in love — [Pointing stealthily towards Hebe,] with that little lady over there! — Will you assist me in furthering my suit? Fred. [Eagerly listening; — aside.] >I can't hear a word any- more of what he's saying, confound it! Vivian. [Watching Yv^d;— aside.] How he is watching ub! — Ah, — I've found a way to get absolute assurance of his identity! Jones. May I count on your assistance, Mrs. Parker? Vivian. Yes,— I'll aid you to the best of my ability.— on one condition! Jones. State anything in my power! Vivian. [Bending toivards Jones, — softly.] I want you to find out if that gentleman's name is really Harrison! Fred. [ Watching them.] They're getting still more familiar! — I can't stand this much longer! Jones. Shall I go and ask him? Vivia-J. Oh, no!— All I want is to have a look at the initials on that handkerchief in his breast pocket! Jones, rhen you want me to [Makes a gesture indicating a pickpocket.] Vivian. That's it exactly! 38 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. Joues. It's a little risky,— but I'll do it for her sakel [Looks towards Fred.] Fred. [Aside.] It seems they would like to have me out of the way! Jones. Well,— nothing risked— nothing gained!— Luckily I am pretty good at sleight-of-hand tricks! [Rises and approaches YredfWho hides himself behind his neivspaper,and turns his back towards him.] Sir, — my name is Jones! Fred. [Surly.] Mine is Harrison! Jones. I see you are reading the Record; — would you mind letting me have a look at it, after you get through with it? Fred. Not at all, sir! [Beckons Jones to be7id over him; — softly.] The face of that lady at your table seems familiar to me! — Would you be kind enough to tell me her name? Jones. [While bending over Fred is gradually pulling his handkerchief out of his breast-pocket, unperceived by the latter.] Certainly, sir!— The lady's name is Mrs. Parker, the wife of a wholesale dry goods merchant of Chicago. — Rather an attractive appearance, hasn't she? Fred. [Sarcastically. ^^ Yes,— rather!— Would you mind giving me an introduction to her later on? Jones. With the greatest pleasure, sir! [He pulls out Yre^^s handkerchief and hides it behind his back, but is caught in the action by Hebe, who has been icatching him.] Hebe. [Startled.] Heaven, — what's that I see! Growler. What's the matter? [Both rise.] Am I looking worse, you think? Hebe. No, no, uncle, — nothing of the kind! [Sadly, aside.] A common pickpocket!— Who would have thought that? [Exit quickly R.] Growler. [Excitedly.] What's that she's mumbling? I wonder what's the matter?— Can I be looking worse, — and she's trying to hide it from me?— Is that why she's running away from me so fast? I must find out! [Exit quickly after Hebe r.] Jones. [Returning to Vivian l., and giving her the stolen handkerchief.] Here is the mute proof of my dishonor, — the silent witness of the first blotch on my hitherto stainless escutcheon! Vivian. [Looking at the initials in one of the corners of the handkerchief. Aside.] ' F. P."— It is Fred! Jones. Well, Mrs. Parker? Did you find out what you wanted to know? Vivian. [Dissembling.] No, — it was a disappointment! — The initials are not what I expected them to be! Jones. Then hadn't I better return the corpus delicti'^ Vivian. No, — I won't trouble you again! Bye and bye, when he isn't looking. I'll throw it under his chair! Jones. He asked me who you were just now! Vivian. Indeed? Jones. And he wanted to be introduced to you! WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 37 Vivian. [Aside.] What impudence! Jones. Do you object? Vivian. Oh,— not at all! [Jones goes to Fred and converses with him.] So, — he suspects me of being a tlirt, and wants to to play the spy on me! He deserves to be punished! — Here he comes now! [Jones and Fred approach Vivian.] Jones. [Introducing.] Mrs. Parker, — allow me to introduce Mr. Harrison to you! Vivian. [Observing him critically.] Mr. Harrison? Fred. [Quickly.] Artist,— from Milwaukee, Madam! Vivian. Ah!— Artist? Fred. I sincerely hope I am not intruding? Jones. Now, Mrs. Parker, will you kindly pardon me if I retire to attend to a little business matter? [Boivs and goes up stage.] I'll try one more attack on old Growler! [Looks round as if in search of Growler, and exit r.] Fred. 1 ou must think me rather bold to have asked for the favor of an introduction to you, Mrs. Parker, — but you will admit that etiquette is not so strictly observed in these places;— there- fore i hope you'll pardon the liberty I took! — Besides, my occupa- tion as painter, gives me the privilege to go in quest of everything that is beautiful in nature! Vivian. If your portraits are as flattering as your conversation, Mr. Harrison, your talents must be in great demand. Fred. Pardon me, — I merely stated a fact, and did not attempt to flatter.— If not too inquisitive, may I ask if Mr. Parker is also here? Vivian. No, sir!— My husband's business detains him in Chicago! Fred. It must surely have been a great sacrifice on his part to let you travel without him! Vivian. On the contrary, sir. — he let me go ivith the greatest pleasure! As for myself, I am only too happy to escape for once the monotony of our home, and to enjoy some liberty! Fred, Ah!— Then I surmise that your husband is inclined to play the tyrant! Vivian. Not quite so bad as that! — But he has other faults — nearly as bad, — for he is arbitrary, quarrelsome, and irritable! Fred. In that case I sympathize with you most sincerely! Vivian. I believe I deserve some sympathy, — for hardly a day passes by but we have a few well, that we are of a different opinion on some subject or another, and have a scene. Fred. Excuse me, — but is your husband alone to blame? Vivian. Most decidedly! — Before our marriage I had the sweetest temper imaginable, and got along amicably with every- body!— Even now I am on the best of terms with my aunt, and — Mr, Jones! — Fred. [Ironically,] Yes, madam, — you seem to be on most excellent terms with Mr. Jones! 38 WHAT BECAME OP PARKER. Vivian, [Mischievously.] He is such a nice, apfreeable young man! — A perfect gentleman, — always obliging, polite, attentive, entertaining and full of fun! Frod. [Hardly able to restrain his anger.] Ah, — indeed? — I shall be glad to get better acquainted with Mr. Jones! Vivian. He is so even tempered, — never irritable! — And after what I told you of my husband, Mr. Harrison,— you can easily imagine how I must appreciate that quality in a man! — Are you a married man? Fred. Thank heaven — no, madam! Vivian. Thank heaven— no? That is scarcely polite in my presence, sir! Fred. I beg your pardon I — I didn't mean it that way! — In you I might' have found the ideal I have till now searched for in vam Vivian. Really? — What a pity we did not meet before! — And what special qualifications is your ideal to be possessed of, if I may ask? Fred. First of all — she must be as beautiful as an angel, — as artist lam surely entitled to that!— Furthermore she must be of a home-loving disposition, sweet tempered and of a soft and yield- ing nature, willing always to bow to a man's superior intelligence! Vivian. Even when that man is wrong? Fred. Even then! — Especially then! — That's exactly where her yielding nature would have to come in! — Then she would have to refrain from receiving the attention of any other man, nor think them agreeable and entertaining! Vivian. Indeed? Then let me offer you one piece of advice, — since you are an artist, if I were in your place, — I would paint such a paragon of modesty and virtue, and marry her. [Rises excitedly.] Fred. [Also rising.] I hope our conversation has not annoyed you! Vivian. I must admit that it has! — It has brought back to me too many unpleasant recollections of my home troubles! Fred. 1 am truly sorry if I have grieved you! Vivian. It is a deplorable fact that men expect everything from us, and are unwilling in their turn to make any concessions whatever! — I am afraid we would not harmonize very well together, Mr. Harrison!— I must admit that Mr. Jones' good qualities are more acceptable to me! [Exit quickly in hotel l.] Fred. And that's what I've got to swallow!— My own wife to tell me that she prefers another man to me! — But wait till the moment of dissimulation is past! — Like an avenging angel I'll step between them, and wither them with the thunder of my wrath ! Jones. [Enters r. u. E.,goes to arbor l. and looks into it.] Ah, — Mrs. Parker gone? Fred. Yes, — she went inside! I WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 39 Jones. Charming woman, isn't she? Fred. [Nervously handling his cane and suppressing his anger.] Yes, — very ! Jones. We came here on the same train, and from the very start I took a great fancy to her! Fred. Are you acquainted with her husband? Jones. Only slightly !— Seems to be an erratic, irritable sort of a chap! Fred. I can easily, guess the rest! You are surely not here for your health! At least you don't look like it! Jones. [Laughing.] No, — there's nothing the matter with me! I'm as strong as a mule! [Pointing at his heart.] My only trouble is here! — And I believe I'll find a remedy for that while here! Fred, [Sivinging his cane.] I hope you won't address yourself to the wrong doctor! Jones. What are you swinging your cane for so continually? Fred. Only a habit of mine! — To keep my wrist supple! Jones. Do you need that as an artist? Fred. Yes,— to paint faces! Jones. Ah, — you are a portrait painter? — Then you are just my man! — I would like very much to have a miniature of my lady love; but strictly on the q. t., of course! Fred. Ah! Jones. I'll sit down beside her, so she'll have a pleasant expres- sion, and you can make a sketch of her unobserved by anyone! Fred. [Aside.] I cannot contain myself much longer! [^Zowd.] This may cost you dear, sir! Jones. Oh, I don't mind that! — It's immaterial! — As long as it is a good likeness! Jones, [Sternly.] It will be the best job I have ever done in my life, — I promise you that!— -Good morning, Mr. Jones! [Exit in hotel L,.., making piasses with hiscarie.] Jones. I'll see you later, Mr. Harrison! [Ruhhing his hands.] Splendid! Hebe. [Entering quickly r. u. e.] There he is now, sir! Jones. [Agreeably surprised,] Hebe!— Miss Worthy! Hebe. I have run ahead of my uncle to speak to you! Jones, How kind of you! [About to take her hand.] Hebe. [Shrinking ate ay from him.] Do not touch me, please! — I have nothing but contempt for you! Jones. [Astonished ] Contempt for me? Hebe. Let me advise you to leave here as soon as possible! Jones. Leave — while you are here? Hebe. No more of this, sir!- 1 shall not betray you, but you must go at once! [Goes up stage to meet her uncle, who enters R. u. E.] Jones. What the deuce does she mean? — I leave here at once? —Why?— She has nothing but contempt for me?— What can that 40 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. old, walking medicine chest have told her about me? — There he sits down! — Now is my time!— I'll make my last attempt to get acquainted with him! Hebe. I'll get your shawl, uncle! [Exit in hotel l] Jones. [Going toivards hotel, calling.] I say, — waiter! [Very loud.] Oh, waiter! Growler. [Covering his ears with his hands.] Why the dickens does that fellow howl so? Otto. [Entering quickly from hotel l..] Did you call sir? — Did you vont me? Jones. Do you think I called you because I didn't want you? Otto. Sometimes dey do so already, sir! Jones. Get me a masseur! Otto. What kind of dings, sir? Jones. A masseur, stupid! — A person who understands massage treatment! Otto. I never heard of dose things, sir! Jones. Never heard of massage treatment in a health resort? [Growler becomes mterested.] Otto. No, sir, — I bet you some! Jones. Impossible! — Not heard of the latest scientific method of curing disease by systematic manipulations? The only suc- cessful treatment in cases of paralysis, neuralgia, rheumatism and joint diseases? And you call this an upto date sanitorium? It's incredible,— preposterous! [Aside.] If the old shark don't tackle the bait now, I'll throw up the sponge! [To Otto.] Very well,— I'll have to go where they are up to the times! — It seems you are fifty years behind here! [Otto exit in hotel l. shaking his head, and shrugging his shouldei^s,] Growler. [Has become more and more interested, rises, and approaches Jones.] Excuse me, sir, — I heard you speak of the only successful treatment of neuralgia and rheumatism! This interests me! Jones. [Stiffly.] Pardon me, sir! — I have not the pleasure of your acquaintance! Growler. [Humbly.] My name is Growler, sir!— Jeremiah Growler, from Chicago! Jones. [Quickly.] My name is James Jones,— lately from Joplin, Missouri;— it is my intention to establish myself in Chicago in the drug business; — I am twenty-six years old, — am a member of the Episcopal Church,— not without means,- with considerable expectations in the future from a wealthy uncle, who is single Growler. [Interrupting him.] Very glad to hear it,— but I meant to ask you in regards to that infallible cure you mentioned- just now! Jones. Oh,— the massage treatment, you mean? [Makes the motions of a masseur.] WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 41 Growler. Yes,— that's it! [Imitates Jones' movements.] I never heard of it before! Jones. You astonish me! — It's universally known and used now-a-days! It's ahnost magical in its effects!— The cuticle the nerve and muscular system are thoroughly kneaded, accord- ing to scientific methods,— the blood flows freely through the arteries, and brings health and vigor to all afflicted organs. Growler. Health and vigor?— My dear sir, you bring me hope at last! You can scarcely imagine how I have suffered!— For years my life has been one of agony and pain! — My entire system is undermined! Jones. In that case massage treatment will be your only salva- tion!— I have used it, and see how healthy I am!— Even after the first treatment you will feel as light as a bird'in the air, ready to fly! Growler. [Sighing.] And just to think that nobody here understands it! — How unfortunate! Jones. Ah, — but luckily I do, — and I dare to say thoroughly! I have made a study of it. and if you will only permit me Growler. [Gladly.] My dear sir,— I would consider it a great favor! Jones. I am entirely at your service! — And if it benefits you, I will give you a treatment every day!— Please, be seated here! [Places a chair in c. of stage, and another one in front of it.] Growler. What? — Here in the open air? Jones. Only by way of experiment! [Growler sits down c] Now, place your feet on the other chair, and bend your body backwards! — So! — In case you have rheumatism in the shoulder- blades and arms, — this is the treatment! [Kneads his shoulders and arms.] So! [Coritimies the massage.] Growler. [Grunting.] Oh! — Ah!— I feel relieved alreadvl — It is wonderful ! -Oh ! -Oh ! Jones. [While kneading.] Mr. Growler, — I saw you in the company of a young lady this morning!— May I ask ? Growler. Never mind the young lady!— Let us stick to the treatment!— Oh! Jones. Very well!— Now, lean back a little further, and I will operate on the muscles of the chest! [Kneads his chest.] Growler. [Squirming.] Oh! — Ah! — Ahaha! — Your are tick- ling me! Jones. Only a slight irritation which you must overcome! — You will get used to it! Growler. Yes,— yes, I see!--Oh!— Ah! Jones. It does you good, eh? [Continuing to knead.] Growler. Yes, — oh, yes!— Oh!— Ah!— Please,— stop!— Ahaha!— I can not stand anymore! Jones. Only a little more willpower! — It's nothing when you're used to it! Growler. Oh!— Ah!— Ahaha! [Becomes hysterical.] 42 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. Hel)e. [Entei^s from hotel l. with a shawl on her arm. She sees her uncle and Joues and starts in fright.] Good heavens, — he is killing my uncle! — Help!— Murder!— Help! [Enter all the characters from hotel and r. u. e , ichile Jones continues to oper- ate on Growler. Hebe/m?ifs in Fred's arms.] Picture— Quick Curtain. ACT 111. Scene : Fred Parker's room in the Park Hotel at Waukesha — The usual hotel hedroo7n furniture. — Door c. — Windo'w r. — A door supposed to lead fo Growler's rooniL.. — This door must open inward and up stage. — As the curtain rises, enter Harrison, a very stout man with a florid complexion, c. d. — He comes doivn stage, leaving the door open, and looks around. Harrison, So, — these will be quarters for the next two weeks to come! — Not overluxurious, but I'll have to put up with it!— So long as I can get rid of twenty or thirty pounds avoirdupois while here, I'll be satistied! [Sits doum.^ Otto. [Enteriiig c. d.] Oxcuse me, sir, — but there was a mis- take made by the bell boy. — He vos a new boy und showed you de wrong room. — Your room is anodder room. — I will show you already!- It's next door on de odder side! Harrison. Well, — then I suppose I'll have to move again! [Grunts.] Here,— give me a lift! [Otto assists him. to rise. Har- ri.son exit c. d. Otto is about to follow him ichen Fred enters.] Fred. What is that man doing in my room? Otto. Only a mistake, Mr. Harrison! — Dot gentleman joost come, und got in de wrong room! — He is going to his own room already, I told him! — Dere vos a telegraph inde office for you, sir! Fred. A telegram?— Bring it up at once! Otto. Yes, sir! [Exit c. jy. closing it.] Fred. That must be from Torrence!— He is the only person who knows that I am here! [Goes to ivindoiv r.] There's Vivian now sitting in the garden, — and all alone!— I wonder where that lovely aunt of hers is! — Oh, but she's a good guardian to have over one's wife! — Just wait till Mr. Jones gets fresh again, and I'll soon settle his hash! Otto. [Enters c. d., after knocking, with a telegram.] Here vos de telegraph already, sir! WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 43 Fred. [Taking it.] Wait a moment! — There may be an answer! [Opens telegram and reads.] "Your personal property tax fixed atS7,0UO. Are you satisfied?— Will." [Astonished.] What?— My personal property tax $7,000 a year? Have I suddenly become a millionaire? [Sits down at table c, on ivhich are writing materials.] Ah, here's a Western Union blank! [Writes, while repeating the ivords aloud.] " Wm. Torrence — Parker & Torrence — Chicago— Illinois— Have you gone crazy or are you making a fool of me. — Fred." [Counts the words from one to ten, and rises.] There!- Tell them to rush it!— Collect! Otto. Yes, sir!— All right, sir! [Exit c. d. Enter immediately after his exit, Crrowler & Hebe from c. d.] Growler. [Coming down stage.] Excuse our intrusion, sir! Fred. What can I do for you, sir? Growler. I occupied this room last night, but they gave me another one this morning. I fear I lost something in here! Hebe. My uncle's pocketbook is missing, sir! Fred, Sorry, but I haven't seen it. Please look for yourself ! [Goes to ivindow r. and looks out.] Growler. Search everywhere, Hebe!— Your eyes are better than mine! Hebe^ [Searching.] I can find it nowhere! Growler. Hand me that cane over there! [Hebe hands him Fred's cane. He stooi^s and searches icith it under the sofa l. Suddenly crying out.] Ah! Hebe. Did you find it uncle? Growler. [Sinks down on the sofa rubbing his side. Fred. turns round to him.] A stitch in my side! Pardon me, sir, — I'll soon get over it, I hope! Fred. [Nodding his head.] So do I! Don't hurry on my account! [Tiunis back to the window.] Growler. [To Hebe ivho continues to search.] Can't you find it anywhere, Hebe? Hebe. You may take my word for it, UEcle!— I'm sure that young man took it from you ! Growler. [Rising ivith difficulty, and as if in jmin.] Bah! — Nonsense!- -He was only giving me a massage treatment! Hebe. I did not intend to tell you this, but after all I think I had better! Growler. What are you driving at? Hebe. That massage treatment was only a pretext. — I have seen him do some other of his tricks. — Come, uncle, there's no use to search here any longer, — we are only in this gentleman's way. Growler. [Loudly.] Just to think that we should have fallen here among robbers! Fred. [Quickly turming i^ound.] Do you mean to accuse me, sir? Hebe. Oh, not at all, sir!— Please excuse my uncle's excite- ment! 44 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. Growler. You go ahead, Hebe! -I want to explain to this gentle- man that it is not a question of lost money! [Hebe exit c. d.] Fred. Not of lost money?— Then it can certainly not be of much consequence! Growler. There is where you are mistaken, sir! — I am a con- stant invalid, and that pocketbook was full of useful receipts! Fred. Then you may thank your lucky stars that you lost it! — It's too much doctoring that makes people ill! Growler. If you knew my unfortunate condition, you wouldn't speak like that! — I am suffering from Fred, [hiterruptiag him.] We all have to bear our troubles, I suppose! Growler. Ah , yes, — of course!— May I ask what your symptoms are? [Takes a chair and sits down.] Now, tell me all about yourself! — Afterwards I will give you an idea of what ails me! Fred, [Scarcely restraining himself.] Pardon me, but I can not listen to you, sir, 1 Growler. Yes, I must admit it is painful to hear the recital of my many ailments! Fred. You misunderstand me, sir! — I have neither time nor inclination to hear any more of your complaints! — My nerves are somewhat upset! Growler. [Rising.] I regret to hear it! — That is also one of my greatest troubles!— Well, my list of misfortunes will have to keep till some other time! — We could take a nice, long walk together, when I will be better able to give you a complete diagnosis! Fred. [Driving him towards c. -d.] Yes, yes, — some other day! I have no time now! Growler. It would probably not take me more than two hours to tell you all about'it! Fred. It will greatly interest me no doubt! — Only not now! Growler. [Near c. d., offering his hand.] My dear sir, I am so glad to have met you! Fred. [Shaking his hand energetically.] The pleasure is mutual! Growler. [As if in pai7i.] Ah ! — Oh !— Good day, sir ! Fred. [Slamming the door.] I thought I never would get rid of that bore! Growler. [Reopening the door.] Pardon me, — I only wanted to inform you that I am your next door neighbor, No. 13! [Point- ing to door L.] That door there leads to my room! Fred. [Anginly.] All right! [Growler shuts the door again.] If he comes back again I'll murder him! [Goes to ivindoiv r.] Slill alone!— Where the dickens is her aunt? I'll have to see to this myself! [Goes to c. and is met by Otto, who enters.] Otto. [Somewhat confused.] Ach, oxcuse me, Mr. Harrison, — I think you have gone out already! [Is about to leave lohen called back by Fred.] WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. • 45 Fred. Here,— come back!— What did you want in here? Otto. [Snickering.] Dere's a lady oudside! Fred. Well,— what does she want of me? Otto. [Same business.] He-he-he!— I dink you make a mash on her, — I bet you some! Fred. What rubbish are you talking?— What does she want^ — Out with it! Otto. He-he-he!— I've promised not to tell, sir!— He-he-he' Fred. See here,— if you don't tell me, I'll break every bone in your body! Otto. Ach, no, sir!— I vont like dat!— It's really too funny for anydings, I bet you!— She vants some piece of your linen for a souffenir!— He-he-he! Fred. Is she crazy? Otto. Yes, sir,— I dink so!— Und she is not very young neither already yet! Fred. Who is the lady? Otto. No. 34!— I mean Miss Green! Fred. Ah!— I don't know her! Otto. Will you let her have dat souffenir, sir? Fred. Most decidedly not!— And if you dare to sneak anything out of this room, I'll have you discharged on the spot,— do you hear? [Goes threateningly toivards Otto.] Otto. [Frightened.] All right, sir!— I vont touch anydings in here, I bet you some. [Exit c. d.] Fred. Aha!— Aunt Mildred is on my track!— It's well to be forewarned! [Looking around.] Luckily I left nothing lying loose around here! [Goes to his satchel near window r. and tries the loek.] And my satchel is safely locked!— Now, I'll go down to Vivian! [Takes up his hat and caiie.] Otto. [Enters c. d.] Ach, Mr. Harrison.' Fred. Now,— what is it you want again? Otto. Dot lady says she vont to speak mit you.— Can she come in? Fred. Not on your life!— I don't receive visits from ladies! Otto. Not when dey're old already, I suppose!— Vot shall I tell her? Fred. Anything you please! Otto. I'll tell her you vos in your bathtup!— Then she von't come, I bet you some! [Exit quickly c. d.] Fred. The trail is getting hot, and dear auntie is persistent!— But I'll lose no more time here, while Mr. Jones may be making huDself agreeable to my wife! [Picks up his hat and cane again and IS about to leave ivhen Dr. Rog"ers enters c. d.] Dr. Rog-ers. Pardon me,— have I the pleasure to see Mr. Harrison? Fred. That's my name, sir! Dr. Rogers. I am Dr. Rogers! [Puts down his hat] Your valet informed me just now of your arrival! 46 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. Fred. My valet? Dr. Rogers. I received your letter from Chicago yesterday, but expected you on a later train. Fred. See here, doctor, — there must be a mistake! — I never wrote to you in my life! Dr. Rog-ers. In that case there must be another guest by your name stopping here! Fred. Very likely! — Harrison is not an uncommon name! l)r. Rogers. May I ask if you are here for your health, sir! Fred. [Laughing.] Not exactly, doctor! — There's nothing the matter with me! Dr. Rogers. Ah, I see!— Merely on a pleasure trip, eh? Fred. No, — I can't call it that either!— I'll be candid with you, doctor! — I am here to abduct one of yourfair visitors! Dr. Rogers. [Astonished.] Nonsense, sir! — Preposterous! Fred. Not at all, doctor!— I am here to kidnap a lady. Dr. Rogers. That would be the first time such a thing happened in Waukesha! — It's immoral, sir! Fred, Not at all, doctor,— for the lady is my wife! Dr, Rogers. Now, who has ever heard of a man wanting to kidnap his own wife! Fred. Yes, I admit — it's not a daily occurrence!— Still circum- stances alter cases! [Goes to ivindowB.] Dr. Rogers. [Observing Fred closely,— aside.] Very strange! Fred. [Looking through the ivi^idow.] There's the scoundrel now! Dr. Rogers. [Aside.] And so excited! [Joins Fred at the windoiv.] Whom do you refer to? Fred. I'll strangle that rascal yet! Dr. Rogers. [Feeling Fred's jndse.] Allow me! Fred- [Pidling his arm aicay, — angrily.] Oh, don't bother me! [Stares again out of the ivindoto.] Dr. Rogers. [Aside.] Yes, clearly a case of 7ion compos mentis ! [Aloud.] Mr. Harrison, you seem somewhat agitated! [Fred turns towards him.] Fred. I have sufficient cause to be! Dr. Rogers. You have perhaps been overworked lately! — What is your line of business, if I may inquire? Fred. [Forgetting himself.] I'm in the dry goods [Qiu'ckly correctioig himself.] I meant — I'm an artist, — a painter! Dr. Rogers. What is your style? Fred. I have preferred still-life till now, — but in the future — [Looking again through the icindoiD.] I am going to devote my- self to battlepieces! Dr. Rogers. [Aside.] There is no doubt!— Hie mind is upset! [Points at his forehead.] Otto. [Entering c. d. unth another telegram.] Dr. Rogers. [Aside to Otto.] I say, Otto! — Is there a Mrs. Harrison stopping here? WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 47 Otto. Not vot I know of already, doctor! ivZ'dow'^f^''^' ^^'' '^'^ ^ ''^^^'' ''^^^' t^**"* ^^^' ^^ ^^•^♦l *^^«^' Otto. Here's another telegraph, Mr. Harrison' ovfnfi^nSr'iT'/^ n""'"'-? r^'"^"^.' ^'^^ ^"^^'^'^^^ ^^'^ telegram "^/ ^^«^f-] "Your telegram a conundrum. What are you refernng to?-Torrence."-Well,-if this doesn't beat the devil! Br. Rogers. Anything wrong, Mr. Harrison? J^ red. Anything wrong ?-I should say so!-It seems that I've gone'^mzy? ""'''" ^^^^^ " sudden,-and that my partner his Dr. Rogers. [Aside.] If there still were any doubt in my mind,— this hallucination about being a millionaire would confirm my suspicions! tefeptne'in''th*?"°piLi? ''"' ^"""^ " '""'"^ '^ ^ '-« "^'^'-^ Otto. Yes, sir,— two blocks from here, round de corner! tinn'n?;il fli?. r"^?''''^''''^'-^^^ f ^ ^^ ^ ^^^''^ ^^^ an explana- tion of all this! [Takes up his hat and cane, and exit hastily Otto. Vat is de matter mit dat man, doctor^ Dr. Kogers. Not a word of this to anybody, Otto !-It was a lucky thing that I made this discovery in time' Otto. [Curiously.'] Discovery, doctor?— What discovery"? Dr. Rogers. You must not mention this to a soul, Otto— if you v^ant to keep your place here!- The reputation of the hotel would be ruined for the entire season, if you did.— This man Harrison, IS suffering from delusions, and not in his right mind' ' Otto. I thought so from the time he came, I bet you some doctor!— He is been acting so queer und crazy-like already all de Dr. Roprs. Be very careful and keep a strict watch over him ! —it he should become violent, send for me at once!— I'll know how to quiet him, and get him out of the way, without any dis- turbance! ^ Otto. All right, doctor,— I'll watch him! TIT?*** I^^S'^*''''* We had better take some precautions, however' VVlio occupies the next room? Otto. [Pointing to door l.] Mr. Growler is in dere, doctor! Dr. Rog-ers. One of my most interesting patients!— We must protect him by all means! I'll see if he is in his room! [Goes to door L. and knocks. A key is heard to turn in the lock, and the door ts slightly opened.] Growler, [Behind door l.] Did you wish to see me, sir? Dr. Rogers. [To Otto.] Move that sofa out of the way, Otto' lUtto moves the sofa, ivhich has been standing against the door doivn stage, and someivhat removed from the wall.] 48 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. Growler. [Opening the dooi\] Ah, is it you, doctor? 1 thought my neighbor wanted to see me! Dr. Rogers. [Mysteriously.] Hush! — Step in here, sir! Growler. What is the matter, doctor. Dr. Rogers. I think it my duty to put you on your guard, Mr. Growler! Your neighbor, who occupies this room, is not quite safe! Growler. What?— Still another ? [Imitates the motions of a pickpocket.'] Dr. Rogers. Oh, no;— he is not altogether in good health! Growler. [Frightened.] Say, doctor,— is it catching? Dr. Rogers. I mean — not quite right in his mind! Growler. Good lord!— Oh, this is a lovely place to come to! — I knew room No. 13 would bring me bad luck! — I'll pack my trunk and leave here at once! Dr. Rogers. There is no need to feel alarmed, Mr. Growler! — There is no danger whatsoever! — But I thought it better to warn you. in case you should happen to hear some unusual noise in this room! Growler. If I stay here, I'll feel all the time as if I were sitting on a keg of gunpowder! [The sound of an electric bell is heard far in the distance. Growler becomes frightened and grabs hold of the doctor's and Otto's arms, as if in great fear.] Otto. Of you please, Mr. Growler, turn me loose!— Dot bell rings for me already! [Disengages himself and goes to c. d.] Dr. Rogers. Otto, you can lock the door on the outside;— I'll leave through Mr. Growler's room! Otto, All right, doctor! Dr. Rogers. And mind what I told you— not a word of all this to anyone, and keep a strict watch over him! Otto. Of course, doctor,^ — I bet you some! [Exit c. d. The key is heai^d to turn in the lock.] Growler, I had some conversation with this gentleman only a short time ago, and he appeared perfectly rational tome! Dr. Rogers. [Shrugging his shoulders.] Oh, yes, — I can understand that easily enough! — They all have their lucid inter- vals! — They seldom last long though! Growler. Well,— I'll have to change my room again!— They'll have to give me one as far removed from here as possible, or otherwise I'll go elsewhere! Dr, Rogers. There's absolutely nothing to fear, I assure you, sir! — Besides the key is on your side of the door, and moreover there is a strong iron bolt to it, as you can see! [Goes to door l.] Growler. [Folloicing him.] Nevertheless I'll not feel comfort- able during the night with a raving maniac next door to me! — He might batter in the door and try to kill me during my sleep! [The door^knob of c. d. is tried from the outside. He becomes frightened.] Great heavens, there he is back now! [Runs off WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 49 quickly i^., following the doctor, closes and locks the door, ivhile the c. D. is unlocked and opened. Enter Mildred and Jones,] Mildred. [Looking round; — in a subdued tone.] So, — here we are in the enemy's camp! — Luckily nobody saw us enter here! Jones, [In the same tone.] I should say it was lucky, madam! You are promoting me to a candidacy in the state's prison, do you know? — Are you aware of the penalty for entering strange premises with malice aforethought, and with burglarious intentions? Mildred, I am not, and I don't, care a rap! — Ah, there is his satchel! Jones. Strange that women have no respect for the majesty of the law! Mildred. Stop your orations, and help me lift this satchel on the table! — It's too heavy for me alone! [They place the satchel on the table.] Now, out with your keys! — Quick' — Hurry up! Jones. [Pulls a bunch of keys out of his pocket ;— reluctantly.'] I tell you, madam, — it's entirely unnecessary! Your niece has convinced herself completely that the gentleman was not her husband! Mildred. I'm not as easily bamboozled as my niece! — I want ocular evidence, and I mean to have it! — He may have bought another suit of clothes, but he hasn't provided himself completely with new linen !^Corae, on! — To your work! — I'll steady the satchel! Jones, [Groaning.] Such stubborness! [Tries to open the satchel ivith one of the keys.] It won't tit. Mildred, [Imperatively] Then try the others! Jones, [Trying the other keys.] No, — it's useless!— None of them will tit this lock!— Now, madam, that I have done your wish, I'm off I [About to go up stage.] Mildred. [Detaining him.] No, — you're not! — I don't give in so easily! — I intend to come to the bottom of this! Jones. Then you'll have to do so alone! — I am going to sneak! [Goes up stage.] Mildred. You are, eh? — Very well!— If you get a cold recep- tion from Miss Hebe, you can blame yourself! Jones. [Stops and returris slowly.] Would you really have the heart to queer me with her? Mildred, [Imitating him.] Yes, I would really have the heart to queer you with her! Jones, [Determinedly,] Then I might as well take my chances with the district attorney! [Takes up the satchel violently, and tries to open it by tearing the lid to pieces.] Miidred, [Searching round.] Oh, — here's a nail!— Wait a moment! [Jones p)uts the satchel down.] Bend this nail and try if you can not open the lock with it! [Gives the nail to Jones.] Jones. [With dignity.] Madam, do you know that the law considers a bended nail in the light of a jimmy? 50 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. Mildred. I don't care whether its a jimmy or a johnny, so long you open the satchel with it! Jones. And how do you expect me to bend it? With my teeth? Mildred. [Contemptuously.] Weakling!— Baby! Jones. You're not a baby by a long shot! — Here, you bend it! [Offering her the nail.] Mildred. I'll get a hammer! [Goes up stage and turns round. Dictatorially, stamping her foot.] You stay here till I some back! [Exit quickly c. d.] Jones. — She gives herself airs like a street-car conductor! — But what am I to do? — Lord, how those women can put on the thumb- screws! — Is marriage really worth all this bother? — Of course,— there are women — and women! — There's a great difference between them! — [Placing his hand on his heart, — ivith mock pathos.] Oh, Hebe! — Sweetest of all women, — angel placed in the highest niche of my affection, — will you ever come off your perch to put the thumbscrew on your hubby that is to be? [Picks up the satchel again. Fred enters c. d. and watches him.] Confound this satchel! If I could only open it! — I'll try my keys once more! [Takes out his keys and trys to picl. the lock.] No, — it's useless! — None of them will fit! Fred. [Coming down stage, — cooly.] Of course not!— That's a Yale lock! Jones. [Starts and drops the satchel.] Great Scott!— I'm pinched! Fred. Is this your regular occupation? Jones. [Pressing his hand on his heart.] The first time in my life, I swear it! Fred. [Calmly, but sternly.] Really? — Then I'll take care that it will also be the last time! Jones. My dear sir, — you certainly do not imagine Fred. [Stopping him] I don't imagine anything! — I have seen with my own eyes, — that's sufficient, I think! Jones. Please, listen to me, and I'll explain to you what got me into this damnable scrape! It's all on account of a woman! Fred. Yes, [ know!— yoa seem to be a red hot favorite with women! But I'll teach you a lesson! Jones. My dear sir, you seem to bear me a grudge, — but I can assure you that I am innocent, and that Miss Green is at the bottom of it all! Fred. You are only wasting your words with me! — You can tell all your troubles to the police later on! Jones. [Aghast.] But, Mr. Harirson, — you'll surely not turn jin innocent joke into Frfid. Oh, — it's a beautiful joke to break into other people's rooms, and try to pick locks! Jones. It's all because Miss Green thinks that you are some- body else in disguise, and she only wanted WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 5l Fred, [Again motioning him to stop.] All your talk is useless! — Save your breath for the judge! Jones. But I'll convince you that I'm speaking the truth! — I'll go after Miss Green and bring her here! [Goesu2^ stage.] Fred. [Barring his ivay.] Stop!— Not a step farther! Jones. You won't let me prove my innocence? Fred. You can do that to the police! [Exit quickly c. d. and locks it behind him.] Jones. [Vainly trying to hurst open the door.] Locked in! — The devil, — what a scrape! Fred. [Loudly off stage.] Waiter, — call a policeman at once. Hurry up! Otto. [Off stage.] All right, Mr. Harrison ! Jones. He has really sent for the police! — This is getting serious! — What if Hebe should see me under arrest? — What would she think of me? — They'll not catch me alive! [Runs to window R. and looks doicn.] Hm! — Three stories high! — I might break my neck if I jumped! [Looks round the room.] Is there no other way out of here? — Ah, — there's another door! [Runs to door l. and turns the knob.] Also locked!— Somebody may be in there! I'll see! [Knocks loudly.] Hebe. [Off stage j..] Who's there? Jones. Please open the door, quick! Hebe. [Unlocks and unbolts the door, and opens it.] Jones. Ah, it's you, Hebe! — How lucky!— You've saved me! Hebe. Did they catch you at it? — Why didn't you go, when I told you to? 1 warned you! Jones. I don't understand you any better now than I did before!— You are talking in riddles! — But for heaven's sake, let me get out of here through your room! — They locked me in here! Hebe. Not a step nearer! — What other crime have you com- mitted now? Jones, Crime? — No crime at all!— Only Mr. Harrison caught me, while I was trying to pick the lock of his satchel! Hebe. [Startled.] Oh, heaven! — And you call that no crime? — You ask me to let you escape? — I'll call the police! Jones. Don't bother yourself! — That's already been done! [Steps nearer to her.] But every moment is precious!— Let me go! Hebe. [Wringing her hands.] You misguided, unfortunate young man! Jones. Save your compassion till later on, but let me pass now! [Approaches Hebe, who has gradually left the door. He ( omes betiveen the door and Hebe, who has become frightened, and has run behind the sofa.] Hebe. [Tearfully and frightened.] You wouldn't hurt me, would you? Jones. The way is clear r,t last. I hold the door! 52 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. Hebe. [Bii7'sting out in tears.] Oh, please,— don't hurt me, sir! Jones. [Becoming alarmed at seeing Hebe in tears, leaves the door, and comes down stage in front of the sofa.] Hurt you, my darhng? How could I? Hebe. [Frightened at seeing Jones approaching her.] I'll call for help! [Jumps hack toivards the door behind the sofa, Jones at the same time jumj^s totvards the door in front of the sofa, and reaches it before Hehef who jumps back behind the sofa.] Jones. Oh, no, — the door is mine! Hebe. [In despair.] Oh, — what shall I do? [Pidls out her parse] Here, sir, — take my purse!— There's only thirty-seven cents in it, — but here's my locket also! Unfastens the locket from her neck.] It's real gold. Jones. [Confounded.] What?— Oh, — this is too much! Hebe. No,— no! — You can have it all; — I'll put it here on the sofa,— only — please, — please, — leave me, sir! Jones. Leave you? — Never— I swear it! Hebe. [Sinks down 07i her knees at the lower end of the sofa, and stretches out her hands imj^loringly toicards him.] Oh, sir, — have mercy! Jones. [Also falling on his knees 7iear the other end of the sofa, and imitating her gestures.] If you go down on your marrow bones, so will I! — It is I, Hebe, who implore your mercy! — Please, don't take me for a burglar or an assassin! — 1 wouldn't harm a hair on your dear hear! Hebe. [Pacified, and rising quickly.] You are really not going to hurt me? Jones. [Still on his knees.] I wouldn't hurt a cockroach! — Believe me,— no matter how much appearances are against me, — I'm as innocent as a new born lamb! Hebe. Oh, — but I watched you in the garden myself, while you [Imitates a pickpocket.] Jones. [Jumjnng to his feet.] You mean the business with that handkerchief? — Ask Mrs. Parker why I did that! — It was for your sake! Hebe. Incomprehensible! — But what about the satchel? Jones. Miss Green is to be blamed for that!— Ask her! — That was also done to obtain your good graces! Hebe. I can't understand it at all! Jones. There's no time now to explain everything! — Only this I will tell you,— that for your dear sake I would risk anything in my power! Hebe. [Hesitatiiigly.] When I look into your eyes, I feel almost inclined to believe you! Jones. My eyes are the mirrors of my soul! — You may believe and trust me!— My father always said that anybody might safely give a mortgage on my eyes! Hebe. And you think I ought to risk it? WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 53 Jones. You will find it gilt edged security! Hebe. I am inclined always to be cautious, sir! Jones. We may never have a chance to meet again like this, — and a wise person grabs the opportunity whenever it offers itself! [Approaches her gradually .] Hebe« Till now you certainly have not shown remarkable wisdom yourself! Jones, Because I love you so foolishly! — Because you have bereft me of all my senses! Hebe. In that case I will be lenient with you! Jones, You're an angel! — And I freely forgive you your suspicions! [Imitates a pickpocket.] But all that is over now, — and before us lies a future of bliss and happiness! Hebe. I depend entirely upon my uncle, sir! Jones. I'll give him another massage treatment to-morrow, and ask for your hand at the same time! -[Takes her hand and brings it to his Zips.] Will you permit your mortgagor to pay his first interest? [Kisses her hand.] Now, as a matter of business may I ask for a receipt! [Wijoes his lips, and jyiickers them, as if expected to he kissed. — Sever-al voices are heard behind c. d.] Hebe. [Alarmed.] I hear voices! [The noise behind c. d. increases.] Fred. [Of stage, ^-loudly J[ Here's the door sergeant! Jones. [Frightened.] There's the police!— As usual,— v/hen not wanted! Hebe. Come quick, — through my uncle's room! Jones. [Grabbing Hebe's purse and locket from the sofa.] Here's your thirty-seven cents, Hebe! [Both exeunt quickly door L., Jones /oZZotr?"7zg Hebe. He closes and locks the door, ivhile at the same time the c. d. is imlocked and opened, and Fred, Dr. Rogers, Sergeant Ripley, Otto and tico insane asylum guards enter.] Fred. [While entering, looking backivard.] Come in, gentle- men ! [Remains at the door ushering in the others.] Dr. Rogers. [Aside to Sergeant Ripley.] Give in to every- thing he says, sergeant! — The guards have their instructions. Sergeant. [Aside to Dr. Rogers.] Very well, doctor! Fred. [After all have entered, turning round.] Arrest that fellow [Astonished at not seeing Jones.] What the deuce has become of him? [Calling.] Mr. Jones! — Aha, — our man is liiding himself! [Looks under the sofa.] Dr. Rogers. [Aside /o Sergeant Ripley.] There's a specimen of his delusions! [To the Guards.] You have your instructions? [The Guards nod.] Fred. [Getting up again.] The devil! Sergeant. Can't you find him, sir? Fred. I don't understand how he got out of here! [Tries the doorknob of door l,.] Dr. Rogers^ That door is locked from the other side! 54 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. Fred. [Opening the wardrobe.] Empty! Dr. Rog"ers and Serjeant Ripley. [Looking at each other.] Hm!— Hm! Fred. [Looking in the washstand.] He couldn't very well hide in here! Dr. Rogers. No, hardly! Fred. [Slightly instated.] Still I assure you, doctor, that I left him here,^,and locked him in! [Throii's all the pilioivs and covers from the bed, and looks under it.] Serg-eaiit. While Fred ransacks the bed.] Oh, — we'll take your word for that, sir! — Would you mind stating the facts once more? Fred. [Kicking his satchel out of the ivay impatiently.] I knew the fellow in Chicago! — He sneaked into my house, under some pretext, in order to rob me of my life's happiness! Dr. Rog'ers. Abominable! Sergeant. Monstrous. Fred. A little while ago I went to a telephone station to talk to my partner in Chicago, who wired me first that I had become a millionaire, and later on denied aU knowledge of the fact!— I think he's suddenly gone crazy! [The doctor a?? d sergeant throw mean- ing glances at each other.] Well, — somehow or another I couldn't connect with him, and when I came back to my room, I found this rascal trying to pick the lock of my satchel! — You know the rest, sergeant! Sergeant. Yes, sir! — If we could only find our man! Fed. It is your business to find him! — That's what you are on the police force for! Sergeant. I'll do all I can, sir!— Will you be kind enough to come with me in the meantime? Fred. I?— What for? Dr. Rogers. You'd better go quietly along, Mr. Harrison? Fred. Why should I? What do you want of me? Sergeant. I want you to give us a full description of this fellow! Fred. I have already done so, and told you all I knew about him! — His name is Jones, but that is probably an alias! — I can't leave here now, as I am expecting another wire from my partner! [Sees Otto, ivho has been staring at him unth ivide open 7nouth.] Why the devil are you staring at me in that way? Otto. [Frightened, stepping back.] Och, — for nodding at all, sir! — Only joost so! Fred. [Folloicing him, threateningly.] What the dickens are you doing here anyhow? — What business have you got here? — I don't need you, — so get out of my room! Otto. [Ti^embling .] Yes, sir!— All right, sir! [Exit quickly c. D.] Dr. Rogers. [Placing his hand on Fred's shoulder.] There's no need to excite yourself like this, my dear sir! WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 55 Fred. And those two fellows! [Pointing towards the guards.] What are they doing in here? Dr, Rogers. They are friends of mine! — They came with me I — Now, come, — control yourself! — Don't fly into a passion! — It's bad for you! Fred. [Furiously, stamping his foot.] How in the devil's name do you expect me to control myself, when I see a lot of guys standing around here doing nothing, while this fellow, Jones, may be making his escape? Growler. [Sticking his head through door l.] What's the meaning of all this noise in here? Fred. Ah, my neighbor! — One moment, sir! [Goes to door i^] Did you see ? Growler. [Frighteyied.] I've seen nothing! [Slams the door.] Fred. Is this a conspiracy against me? Dr. Rogers. Why, no, — Mr. Harrison! — We are all your friends here! Sergeant. Certainly,— so long as you will quietly come along with us! Fred. [Angrily.] The gods in their wrath must have turned you into a police sergeant! Sergeant. Yes,— yes, — of course!— Quite right! Fred. Sir,- are you trying to make a fool of me? Growler. [Again peeping through door l.] Why don't you arrest that fellow? Fred. That's all I want them to do!— Neighbor, I want your assistance! [Goes to l,.] Growler. Excuse me! [Slams the door again.] Fred. [Furiously, taking up his hat.] This is more than I can stand! [Slams the hat on his head.] Dr. Rogers. That's right!— Let us go, Mr. Harrison! [Offers him his ai^m.] Fred. [Impatiently.] Ah,— what the dickens!— My name isn't Harrison! Sergeant. Quite right, sir!— We know all about it! Fred. [Astonished.] You know all about it?— How could you? — Nobody knows me here, — not even my own wife! Sergeant. [Tidying to pacify him.] Yes,— yes!— That'll be all right! Dr. Rogers. [Sternly, but ivithout temper.] But now it's our time to go!— Come along without any further disturbance, Mr. Harrison. [Growler opens door l. again.] Fred. [Sloivly, resti^aining his passion.] What are you driving at, doctor? Jones. [Enters c. d., smiling.] Ah, good day, Mr. Harrison!- How are you, gentlemen! Fred. [Furiously.] Ah, there he is now!— Seize that man!— Arrest him! [At a sign of Dr. Rogers the guards take quic'hly 56 WHAT BECAME OP PARKER. hold of Fred's arms and shoulders, so that he is unable to move.] What meaDS this outrage? I)r. Rogers. Keep cool, Mr. Harrison,— keep cool! Growler. [Stepping into the room.] Hold him tight, boys! Picture— Quick Curtain. ACT IV. Scene : The same setting as in Act II. — As the curtain rises enter Jones r. u. e. Jones. [Looking at his watch, and afterivards up to the hotel ivindoivs.] She promised to meet me this morning early in the garden! — Her curtain is raised! — Ah, here she comes now! Hebe. [Entering from hotel -l.] Good morning! Jones. [Going to meet her.] My Hebe! [Kisses her hand.] Now,— let me quickly hear my fate!— What did your uncle say? Hebe. [Be7ids her head as if embarrassed.] Jones. Why are you silent? Hebe. I haven't found the heart yet to speak to him! — I didn't think it would be such a difficult matter! — But last night I couldn't gather up courage enough to do it! — It has worried me so, that I have hardly been able to close my eyes! Jones. While I dreamed sweet dreams of you all night! Hebe. I hope you will forgive me for not speaking to him! — He was in such an awful bad humor! Jones. His bad humor iS like a continuous variety perform- ance! — There's no intermission! — Only some of his turns are worse than the others! — If we wait till he gets an attack of good humor we'll both die old maids! Hebe. Eh? Jones. I mean— you will! Hebe. But I have firmly made up my mind to speak to him during our breakfast this morning. — He likes to take it in the open air, and it usually brings him in a better temper, when he does. Jones. If I were only sure that you would stick to your determination. Hebe. [Placing her hand on herheai^.] I promise you I will! Now, that I have seen you again, I'll be braver! WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 57 Jones. [Placing Jiis arm around her and drawing her towards him ] My darling! — And after you have made your confession, leave him to mel — I'll finish the siege, and take the old fortifica- tion by assault! [Kisses her forehead.] Growler. [Off stage l., loudly.] Hebe! [They separate quickly.] Hebe. [Nervously.] Run away!— Quick! Joues. [While running to B..\j.^.] Mind, — don't fail! [Exit quickly r. u. e.] Growler. [Entering from hotel -l.] So, — here you are! Hebe. Yes, uncle, — I came out early in the garden to hear the birds sing! — It's so pretty! [Affectionately placing her arm around him.] How do you feel to-day uncle, dear? I believe you have had a good night's rest! Growler. Not much! — What makes you think so? Hebe. Because I could hear you snore all night! — Those parti- tions here are so thin! Growler, Snore? — No such thing! — I never snore! — You may have heard me groan in pain, perhaps! Hebe. I think you are looking ever so much better to-day! Growler. You do? That would be extraordinary after all of yesterday's excitement and disturbance! [Olto enters from hotel L. loith a large tray on ivhich are all the 7iecessary breakfast i7igredients. He sets the table r., and exit again in hotel.] Hebe. I wonder what has become of that poor Mr. Harrison! Growler. Oh, — they've locked him up, of course!— That man was a dangerous lunatic! — We may congratulate ourselves that we got rid of him! [They go to table r. and sit doini for their breakfast.] Pour out my coffee, my dear! Hebe. [Serving him.] Shall I get you a footstool, uncle? Growler. No, — never mind! — It doesn't seem damp here! Hebe. Or do you want your shawl? Growler. [Gazing at her fixedly.] Hebe, — you seem extra- ordinarily anxious about me to-day! Hebe. I am always anxious for your health, dear!— Don't you always take care of me? — It's the least return I can make for your kindness to me! — And who knows what a short time fate may leave us together! Growler. [Half rising in fear.] Do you think I am nearing my end? Do I look that bad? Hebe. Oh, no, — uncle, — I didn't mean it that way at all! Growler. [Sitting dozen again.] How then? Hebe. Circumstances might arise which would compel me to leave you! Growler. [Dropping a piece of toast.] What are you talking about? Hebe. [Handing him another ijiece of toast.] Go ahead with your breakfast, uncle, — and I'll explain to you what I mean! — You know, dear, — that I love you dearly, for you have always been 58 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. so good to me! — But there might come somebody else some day, whom I would be bound to love still more! Crrowler. Here, — don't you commence any nonsense of that kind, do you hear! Hebe. It is written that a wife must leave her father and mother! Growler. [Angrily.] Yes, — that's all right,— but it doesn't mention a word about the uncle! — For the Lord's sake, Hebe,— you are not thinking of getting married! — A mere slip of a girl like you ! Hebe. [With some effort.] I hate to give you pain, uncle,— but I must admit that I am thinking of it most seriously! Growler. [Rising.] You have completely spoiled my appetite for breakfast! * Hebe. [Rising quicldy,— going touiards Mm; carressingly.] Please, uncle do not feel annoyed! — It won't be necessary for me to leave you altogether! — I will always take care of you! — You might come and live with us! Growler. [Perplexed] With us? — Then the somebody has already come, eh? Hebe. [Meekly.] Yes, uncle, — he has! [Patting him on the cheeks affectionately.] Growler. [Annoyed, pushing her hand away.] Oh, — stop your love pats! — You don't mean them anyway! — You'd better bottle up your affection for him! — You might just as well finish me off at a stroke! — I hate to be tortured to death slowly! — Who is he?— Where is he? Hebe. [Embarrassed, tur^ning down her eyes.] That's just the thing, uncle!; Growler. I know all about the thing!— I want to know who the person is!— Come, — out with it! Hebe. It will surprise you so, when he comes to speak to you! Growler. Surprise? — I hate surprises! — They're bad for the nerves! Hebe. I mean when you see who it is! Growler. See here,— I don't like to be guessing conundrums! — Is he here in Waukesha? Hebe, [Nods.] That is a proof of his love for me, uncle! — He has followed me here! Growler. Is that all the occupation he has, to go gallivanting all over the country after girls? Hebe. I regarded him at first with suspicion, — but you have only to look well into his eyes to know that you may trust him. Growler. I'll prefer to look into his pocketbook! Hebe. Oh, — I didn't think of such a thing! Growler. And where is this individual? Hebe. [Caressingly.] You'll soon see him, uncle! [Exit quickly l. 2. e. behind arbor.] WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 59 Growler, [Calling after he7\] Hebe, — come back here! [Enter Otto from hotel l.] Otto. [Pointing to the hr^eakfast table.] Can I take dose dings avay already, sir? Growier. [Angrily.] No!— Get out! [Goes back to the table.] Otto. [Frightened.] Och, — oxcuse me, sir! [Exit back in hotel L. while Growler sit.^i doivn.] Growler. [Ginimbling.] To torture me like this, and not even to mention his name! It's unpardonable! — How does she expect me to enjoy my breakfast! Jones. [Enteri7ig, unperceived by Growler r. u. e.] The pre- liminary attack has been successful, — the uncle is alone! [Approaching and greeting hi7n.] Good morning Mr. Growler! Growler. [Jumping up.] There's that pickpocket! [Places his hand on his p)Ockets.] What do you want? Jones. I've come to ask you jf you would like to take another massage treatment! Growler. No, sir! — No, sir! — I've had all the massage I want! —If you think I'm a piece of dough that wants kneading, you're mistaken! Jones. You're losing a splendid opportunity to get well, sir! Growler. [Motioning him away.] I haven't lost the oppor- tunity to lose my pocketbook at least! Jones. [Taking a pocketbook from his pocfceif.] Is this the one, sir? Growler. Of course, it is! Jones. One of the waiters found it here on the ground yester- day,— and didn't know to whom it belonged! — I'm glad to be able to return your property to you! Growler. [Taking the pocketbook,— aside.] Because there was no money in it! [Aloud.] Thanks! [Retreats a few steps from Jones.] Jones. [Following him unconceimedly.] And now, — I would like to speak a few words with you in my own behalf! Growler. Keep away from me, if you please! Jones. Why, — you don't think that I would give you a treat- ment against your will? Growler. I'll feel obliged to you if you'll keep your distance! Jones. Mr. Growler, — I wish to speak to you on a delicate sub- ject,— which I do not care to cry over the housetops! — Besides you are slightly hard of hearing! Growler. And you seem somewhat dull of comprehension! — Haven't I made it sufficiently plain that I do not wish to speak to you? Jones. [Aside.] In bad humor, as usual! Growler. Good day, sir! Jones. [Shrugging his shoulders.] I'll have to watch for a more favorable opportunity! [Aloud.] Good morning, sir! [Exit behind arbor l. 2 e.] 60 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. (ji'Owler. [Only nods his head.] I wonder if I'll ever get a chance to eat my breakfast to-day! [Sits down again at the table.] Harrison, [Filtering from r. u. e., looking at his icatch.] Well, — I've taken my morning's constitutional!— Glad it's over! [To Growler.] Good morning, sir! Growler. [Annoyed.] Morning! Harrison. You seem to be enjoying your breakfast! Orow^ler, No, sir! — It's almost choking me! Harrison. [Taking a seat opposite {iivmNl^Vj— laughing.] So you said last night at dinner, but still you seemed to stow away a hearty meal! — I wish I could do likewise, — but I'm here to reduce myself! [Slapping his stomach.] It's like torture to me, I tell you! — My only pleasure in life is to eat and drink well! — And as I have neither kith nor kin Orowler. You may be glad of it! — Marriage is all humbug! Harrison. Yes, — I've often thought so! — Still, when a man is worth about a million and a half like myself Growler. [Starts.] A milUon and a^ Harrison. Ah ! — We won't mention the half ! — Otherwise they'll want to increase my taxes still more! — I wonder really what they have taxed me at!--My friend, Will Humphrey, promised to wire me before I left Chicago, but I haven't heard from him as yet! [Looking round.] What's become of your niece? Growler. She went for a walk! Harrison. Seems to be a charming girl, do you kgow! Growler. [Coolly.] You think so? Harrison. I certainly do! — She's made quite an impression on me!— So refined and graceful, — so attractive and ladylike! Growler. Hm ! Harrison. So, — she's lost her parents, and is living with you eh? Growler. How do you know this, sir? Harrison. She's told me so! Growler. [Aside.] Great heaven, — can this be the [Gazes at Harrison as if dumbfounded.] Harrison. What did you say? Growler, Nothing, sir, — nothing at all! Harrison. I suppose it would be quite a sacrifice if you should have to give her up some day! Growler. We haven't got as far as that yet, I hope! Harrison. [Playfully shaking his finger at him.] Oh, — I don't know! — You may have to bite the sour apple, sooner than you think! Growler. [Excitedly.] What's the use of all this subterfuge? Why don't you come out plainly, and say that you want my Hebe? Harrison. [Astonished.] I? Growler. 1 es, you !— You want to marry her, — that's quite clear to me! WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 61 Harrison. Such an idea never entered my head, sir! Growler. Then I wish you wouldn't put any more foolish notions into her head! Harrison. I never did such a thing! Orowler. You certainly gave her to understand that you* had serious intentions, eir! Harrison. [Rising.] Excuse me, sir, — you are wrong! Growler. [Also rising, — gesticulating across the table towards Harrison.] You have not behaved yourself like a gentleman, sir! Harrison, What the deuce! — Yesterday at the spring J gave her a few roses, and paid her some cooripliments! — Does that mean that I want to marry her? Growler. [Knocking on the table.] At least you made my niece understand that much, sir! Harrison. Then the sooner you talk that idea out of your niece's head, the better it will be, sir I Growler. That's your business! — It's you who have insulteJ her! — You owe her an explanation, sir! Harrison. No, thanks! — I don't want to run any more risks at being misunderstood! Growler. Sir, it is your duty, — and if you are a gentleman, you will apologise to her. Harrison. You may take me for a fool, sir,— but you'll find that I'm not so easily taken in! — Your blackmailing scheme won't work with me! — You can get rid of your niece to somebody else, but not to me. [Going towards hotel l,. — Aside.] Bah, — it's a confidence game! [Exit in hotel l,.] Growler, [Astonished, ijlacing his arms akimbo.] Well, — I never!— Does that stuffed chimpanzee imagine that I want to get rid of my Hebe? — But wait,^I'll have a few words to say to her when she comes back! [Sits down again cd his breakfast.] Cora. [Entering r. u. e., dressed extravagantly like a servant in her Sunday clothes.] I think this must be the place! [Sees Growler.] There's a gentleman;— I'll ask him! [Taps Growler on the shoulder.] I say, mister! Growler. [Stay^tled.] Well,— what do you want? Cora. Can you tell me if this is the Park Hotel? Growler. [Annoyed.] Can't you read that sign over there? Cora. [Looks at the sign over entrant e of hotel.] Oh, yes, — I didn't see it before!— Thank you for the information, sir! Growler. [Eating.] Don't mention it! [EnterOtiofrom Jiotel L.., and comes doivn the steins.] Cera. [To Otto,] Do you belong here, sir? Otto. [Extravagantly polite.] Yes, Miss!— What can I do for you already yet? Cora. I've just come in on the train !— My missus, Mrs. Parker, is stopping here! 62 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. Olto. Oh, yes!— Oh, yee! - No. 32! - She has gone already for a morning walk mit No, 34,— Miss Green! Cora. And what is the number of the master's room? Otto. The master?" What master? Cora. [Aside.] I nearly forgot myself !— Mr. Torrence told me to be careful! [Aloud.] Isn't there a Mr. Harrison stopping here? Otto. Two Mr. Harrisons, I bet \ou some!— One is fat and jolly, Cora. Mine is thin and cranky! Otto. [Aside.] Och, jimminy! [Aloud, somewhat confused.] Yah,— dat one is not stopping here already any more! Cora. What? — Where is he gone? Otto. Och , Miss, — dat vas a secret, vat T cannot tell you already now!— Mrs. Parker vas also asking me dis morning! Cora. [Anxiously.] But it is absolutely necessary that I should see him! Otto. Yah,— dat may be, but I cannot tell you so! — Vot do you vantto see him apout, Miss? Cora. [Snappislily.] Is that any of your business? Otto. Och, no,— of course not!— I only ask just so!— But no- body can see him yet for some time, I bet you some! — He vas dangerous! Cora. [Anxiously.] What do you mean? Otto. Och,— noddings!— I cannot tell you!— But here comes Mrs. Parker, already!— You better ask her! [Exit quickly in hotel L. Enter Vivian aiid Mildred r. u. e.] Yivian. [Frightened at seeing Corsi,] Great Heaven! Growler. [Startled, jumps up.] Oh, Lord! [Sinks back in his chair,] Vivian and Mildred. [Together.] Cora! Cora. Yes, — it's me, ma'am! — Don't be frightened! Vivian. What has happened at home? Cora. Nothing at all, ma'am!— I came to find out what is the matter here! — Mr. Torrence sent me! — He got several telegrams from the master yesterday, to which he could not make head nor tail!— They're so busy at the office that he couldn't come himself, nor spare anyone else, and so he sent me.— Where is Mr. Parker, ma'am? Vivian. I wish I could tell you! — We have been looking for him everywhere! — I feel as if I'm going out of my mind!— Heaven only knows what may have happened to him! Mildred. Come, come, Vivian! — Have a little common sense! — You can't lose a man like a hair-pin! — This sudden disappearance is certainly another one of his tricks! Vivian. No, no, aunt!— He's doing it to torture and punish me!— If you only knew how shamefully I treated him yesterday! [Goes up stage icith Mildred conversing.] WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 63 Cora. [Shrugging hei^ shoulders.] Now rm just as wise as when I came! Jones. [Entering l. 2 e., and approaching Orowler from behind.] Ill try my luck once more! [Taps GrroTvler on the shoulder.] Mr. Growler! Growler. [Shrinking together in fear, and sloivly turning toiva7'ds Jones.] Ah!— What, — you again! Jones. I've merely come to ask if after your breakfast you feel somewhat kindlier disposed! Growler. [Orumbling.] No, on the contrary ! Vivian. [Seeing Jones.] Ah,— there is Mr. Jones! Jones. [Greeting the ladies.] Ladies! — Good morning! [Goes totvards them.] Cora. [Surprised at seeing Jones.] What,— that man here too!^ Vivian. Will you give us your assistance? — My husband has completely disappeared since yesterday! Jones. \Dumbfounded.] What?- Then it was he after all? Vivian, Do you know what has become of him? Jones. Yes, — I do know, — I am sorry to say! Vivian. [Horrified.] Sorry to say?— Heaven, what has hap- pened to him? Jones. [Confused.] Well, hm! Mildred. Come, — don't keep her in any unnecessary suspense! —Tell us! Jones. There's absolutely no need to excite yourselves, ladies! — He is in no danger whatsoever, and well taken care of! Cora. I'll bet the master's being locked up! Jones. I'll go after him and bring him back with me here alive and well in less than five minutes! Vivian. [Quickly.] I'll go with you! Jones. Pardon me, madam, — but that would hardly do! — His present abode is scarcely fit to receive ladies! — I'll be back in no time! [Exit R. u. e.] Mildred. Do you understand anything of all this, Vivian? Vivian. I don't, aunt, — and I don't care to! — So long as I get my Fred back! [They go up stage looking off after Jones, and walk off slowly r. u. e,] Cora. This is a case of lost, strayed, or stolen! [Exit k. u. e.] Hebe. [Entering l. 2 e. and coming behind Growler, she places her hand on his shoulder.] Uncle, dear! Growler. [Jumping up again, startled.] Ah! — Why are you all trying to scare the life out of me? Hebp. Excuse me, uncle,— I didn't mean to! — Has he been here? Growler. Of course, he has! [Throws down his napkiii and leaves the table.'] Hebe. Well and 64 WHAT BECAME OP PARKER. Growler. Hebe,— I can stand a good deal of foolishness from you,— but I never thought you could have been so downright stupid! Hebe. Stupid? Growler. You put me in a most awkward position! — But you are all alike! — No sooner does a man pay you a few silly compli- ments, but you imagine thai he can no longer live without you! Hebe. Uncle, I am positive he can not live without me! — What impression did he make on you? Growler. I don't see how he could possibly have made an impression on you! — Of course, — he's worth a million and a half Hebe. He never told me that, — and besides— it's of no con- sequence! Growler. Then I cannot understand it at all! — You told me to look into his eyes, eh?— I did!— He's wall-eyed,— he's got eyes like a pig! Hebe. Oh, uncle! Growler. But that's neither here nor there! — There's no accounting for tastes !-He may be a perfect Adonis in your eyes!— The only thing is that the man hasn't the slightest idea of getting married! Hebe. [With more emphasis.] Oh, — uncle! Growler. Yes, — oh, uncle! — He vt^as perfectly plain in that respect! Hebe. You've simply misunderstood him! Growler. Have I?— I may be slightly hard of hearing, but when a man becomes so insulting as he did,— there can hardly be a question of misunderstanding. Hebe. \ Perplexed.] What?— Can he have made game of me? Oh, it's impossible!— But if he has,— we ought not to let it pass like this! Growler. I don't mteud to,— we'll punish him with our utter contempt! Hebe. No, no,~that won't be sufficient!— You will have to call him to account, uncle! Growler. I call him to an account?— An invalid like me?- Why,— the fellow is as strong as an ox! Hebe. [Excitedhj.] I will have satisfaction! Growler. For heaven's sake don't let us have any fuss!— What if other people should hear of this! Hebe. There is nothing I have to be ashamed of!— I want everybody here to know it, so he'll be ashamed to stay! Growler. Oblige me with one thing, and create no scandal!— Pay no more attention to him than if he didn't exist!— Bah! [Enter Harrison from hotel l. ivith a He?t'.spope?'.— Growler passes him, not noticing him— On the top of the steps he turns round and throws a contemptuous glance towards Harrison.] Bah! WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 65 [Eocit in hotel. Harrison looks after Mm with an amused smile^ shrugs his shoulders, sits doivn r. and commences to read.] Hebe. [Aside.] No,— I won't stand it!— There's that stout gentleman who was so kind tome yesterday!— I think he will take my part! [To Harrison.] Excuse me, Mr. Harrison, if I disturb you! Harrison. [Rising,— aside.] Now she's coming to the attack herself! Hebe. Oh, — please, keep your seat, sir! Harrison. No,— thanks! Hebe. Would you kindly spare me one minute? Harrison. Pardon me,— but I have a splitting headache! [Is about to leave.] Hebe. And my heart is almost breaking! Harrison. Why can't you leave an old fellow like myself alone? Hebe. Oh, sir, — you were so kind and attentive to me yester- day, that Harrison. I promise you that it won't occur again!— Your uncle told me what foolish nonsense you've got into your head! Hebe. Then you know how miserable I must feel! — Oh, please, won't you be my protector? [She places her hand confidingly on his arm.] Harrison. [Evading her.] It's a great honor, no doubt, — but I would rather not! — You had better look for someone else! Hebe. But can't you feel, — can't you understand what an agony it must be to me, — to find myself so terribly mistaken? Harrison. If you please, miss,— don't try to play on my feel- ings! — It's absolutely useless, I tell you! Hebe. Not a single soul seems to have compassion on me! [Exit iveeping r. 2.e.] Harrison. [Dryly.] I must admit that the old man has found an apt pupil in his niece, — but I've been through the mill too often to be caught by any game of this kind! [Exit in hotel l..] Vivian. [Entering r. u. e., followed by Mildred and Cora. — Joyfully.] Oh, aunt, — there they come! Mildred. [Coolly.] Now, Vivian, — there's no need to make an exhibition of yourself! [Leads her down stage.] Vivian. Oh, aunt, — my heart is almost bursting! Cora. [ ZTp stage looking off r.] The master looks as if he had had the starch taken out of him! [Enter Jones and Fred r. u. e., remaining up stage.] Jones. [Smiling.] Here, ladies, — I restore to you the prodigal husband! — I'll be discreet and vamoose! [Exit behind hotel L. u. E. Fred comes slowly down stage c, ivith doimicast eyes. Cora folloios him on his r., in utter amazement.] Vivian. Goodness gracious, — what has come over him? Cora. He looks all done up, ma'am! Vivian. [Piqued,] Cora, — go inside, and let them give you some breakfast! 66 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. Cora. Yes, ma'am, — but I would like to know Vivian. Go inside at once, I tell you! Cora. All right, ma'am! [Goes to hotel l.. — Aside.] I'm just dying to find but all about it!— What a pity! [Exit m hotel l..] Yiyian. [Approaching Fred.] Fred! Fred. [Without lifting his eyes, — meekly.] Vivy! Yiviaii. For the love of heaven, — tell me where you have been? Fred. [-.4s above.] Please, — don't ask me! Mildred. But we want to know all about it! Fred. [Pointing at Mildred.] You are to blame for it all! Mildred. Oh, yes, — of course! — That doesn't astonish me! Vivian. Where were you all night? Fred. I would rather not speak of it! Mildred. We are only among ourselves here! Vivian. [Cnaxingly.] Please,— tell us, Fred! Fred. [Groaning.] I suppose I'll have to tell you, — but swear that you will never mention it to a living soul, — especially not to Torrence! Mildred. Never a word of it! Fred. [Hesitatingly, — after a short pause.] No, — I haven't got the heart to tell you!— Only this I must say to you, Vivian,— that after I found myself alone Vivian. [Sympathetically.] All alone, dear? Fred. [Sighing.] Yes, — all alone, 1 made up my mind never to let my temper get the better of me again! Vivian. If you do that, Fred, — I'll promise you never to con- tradict you again! [Mildred shrugs her shoulders in derision.] Fred. [Affectionately.] Sweetheart! Vivian. My darling! Fred. My own dearest wife! Mildred. [Aside.] Now, wouldn't that make anyone sick? Fred. In reality we have always loved each other most dearly, — haven't we, Vivy? Vivian. I've always loved you better than you did me, dear! Fred. Oh, no,— my angel! Vivian. Oh, yes, — for you mistrusted me! — You had no faith in me, so aunt Mildred told me! Fred. [Turning towards Mildred.] Very much obliged to you! Mildred. Well, — wasn't I right? — Didn't you come here to play the spy on her? Vivian. [Throwing her arms around him.] You will never do so again, will you, darling? Fred. What worried me the most was to see the little attention aunt Mildred paid to you! Mildred. [Sarcastically^ Oh, yes,— of coursel— It's always aunt Mildred. Vivian. Anyhow your anxiety was a proof of your affection for me, and I forgive you also what you said to aunt Mildred about me! WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 67 Fred. [Turning toicards Mildred,— angHZi/.] What did I say to her? Viviau. That my good looks were only a source of bother to youi Fred. [Looking angrily towards Mildred.] What do you want to twist my words round hke that for? [To Vivian.] All I meant to say was that you were far too pretty for me! Vivian. Oh,— that sounds differently! [Reproachfully to Mildred.] Oh, aunt, — how could you? Mildred. [Opening her parasol ivith a snap,— disgusted.] Good morning. [Exit R. u. e.] Fred. [Taking a deep breath.] At last she's left us alone! [Leads Vivian to arbor l.., sits down, pulls her beside him, and kisses her.] Vivian. [Throwing her arms around him.] My darling, at last I've got you again! Cora. [Without hat from hotel l.] I've had my breakfast, ma'am! [\\\m\i jumps up quickly.] Fred. [Annoyed.] Then go back and have another one on me! Cora. [Astonished.] All right, sir! [Exit again in hotel l., looking back at the arbor.] Vivian. [Seating herself again.] Haven't we been awfully foolish, dear,— to make our lives miserable with our petty quarrels? Fred. Do you know what I have been thinking about in the solitude of my hm! of my apartment?— If we ever should quarrel again Vivian. [Quickly interrupting him.] Oh,— but that will never happen anv more! Fred. Well,— let's hope not,— but still it might! Vivian. No,— I've firmly made up my mind!— If it does,— it would entirely be your fault! Fred. We'll see!— But what I meant to say is— let us start a sort of contribution box.— Whoever begins to quarrel will have to pay a fine! Vivian. [Quickly.] Five dollars. Fred. [Hesitatingly.] Well,— that's rather high! Vivian. See, — you're afraid! Fred. [Affectionately.] Only for your sake, darling!— Let's mnke it fifty cents! Vivian. All right then! Fred. But don't forget about it before you get back to Chicago! Vivian. Why,— are you not going to stay here?— Then 1 11 go back on the same train with you! Fred. No, dear,— you'd better stay here and enjoy yourself for a while!— I want to prove to you that I have absolute confidence in you ! G8 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. Viviau. And 1 want to prove my love to you by returning home with you! Fred. No, no,— you must do as I tell you! [Vivian turns her head away as if displeased. Fred takes her by the shoulders, and gently makes her face him again.] Your husband ought to know what should be done! Vivian, Indeed? — And why shouldn't the wife? [Rises in bad humor.] I suppose you know better because you have ten per cent more brain than I ! Fred. [Stretching out his hand towards her.] Vivian, fifty cents fine, please! Vivian. I? — Excuse me! — It's you who owe a fine! Fred. That's a peculiar logic! Vivian, When you tease and annoy me, it's certainly you who should pay a fine! Fred. You'll have to wait a long time before I do! Vivian. Oh, — of course! — I expected that! — Whatever you say — is right! — You are the lord ana master! — Whatever you wish is law! — All I have to do is to obey! — You command that I shall stay, — very well — I'll do so! — You can go alone! — But never tell me again that it costs you pain to leave me! — It's quite clear now that you let me go from you " with the greatest pleasure." Fred, [Jumping up^ angrily hitting the table.] You are trying to exasperate me again! — You will really drive me insane yel! Mildred. [Entering u.v.'e,.] Ah,— at it again, beloved children? — I thought it wouldn't take long ! Vivian. Oh, aunt, — protect me from his insults! Fredr [On the other side of her.] See here, aunt Mildred, — you're a person of good, common sense! Mildred. What?— All of a sudden? Vivian. [Pulling Mildred away.] Don't listen to him, aunt! Mildred. [Pacifying her.] No, no! Fred. Aunt,— she is behaving herself again like a baby! Mildred. [Same bus.] Yes, yes! Vivian. Should I stand such a treatment as this? Mildred. Certainly not! Fred. That settles it! — I'll get my satchel and go! [Runs towards hotel l.] Vivian. You see, — that's all he wanted! [Fred turns round on the steps, throws up his hands in anger, and exit in hotel.] Any pretext to get rid of me! Mildred. That doesn't astonish me at all! Vivian. What? Mildred. 1 knew it had to come to this! — When two married people cannot get along together, the best thing they can do is to separate! Vivian. [Horrified.] Auntie, do you really mean that? WHAT BECAME OP PARKER. 69 Mildred. Most decidedly! — You might be living in an earthly paradise, if you wanted to! — But you don't seem to know the way towards it! Vivian. If you know the way, aunt Mildred, — then for pity sake show it to me! Mildred. Then, in the first place, — you'll have to learn to con- trol your temper, — and to give in— even when you think your husband is wrong! Vivian. [Crosses her arms in front of her, loalks a few times quickly up and down in meditation and suddenly halts in front 0/ Mildred.] Aunt! Mildred. Well? Vivian. [Pulls out her pu7'se.] Come with me! — I know what to do now! [Drags her aunt quickly off in hotel l. Enter Jones from behind hotel l., and Hebe /rowi r. 2 e.] Jones, Ah, Hebe, — at last I find you! Hebe. [Coolly.] How dare you still to address me, sir? Jones. [Astonished.] Why, Hebe, — what means this? Hebe. I forbid you to use my name, or address me in any form whatsoever! — We are total strangers, sir! Jones. Well, — I'll sink into the ground! Hebe. Go ahead and sink! — I won't dig you up again! — If there's not a man here who has courage enough to tell you the trutli, I'll do so myself! — Your million and a half doesn't give you the right to insult unprotected women! Jones. My million and a half? — Good lord! Hebe. If you were to throw them at my feet, I Jones. I would do so with the greatest pleasure, if I only had them! Hebe. Your money is absolutely nothing to mel Jones. All right! — Then we'll drop the financial topic, and speak of Hebe. I won't speak another word to you! — Go awqty, and leave me! [About to cross to the hotel.] Jones. [Barring her passage.] No, — I'll stay here, till I've had an explanation of all this! Hebe. Very well, — you stay, — then I'll go! [Crossing to l. and turning round, — indignantly.] You — you hypocrite! [Exit quitkly l. 2 e. — Jones remains looking after her in amazement. — Enter Fred from hotel l. with satchel and ulster, followed by Otto ivith a bill] Jones. What evil spirit is at work here! [Fred bumps against him with his satchel. — Jones turns ioivards him.] Excuse me, sir! Otto. It's too bad you vant to leave us already, Mr. Parker! Fred. Is it any of your business? Otto. Och, no!— You forget your bill, sir! [Presents the bill.] Fred. [Takes the bill, looks it over,— then up to the hotel,— suddenly.] Tell my wife to pay it! 70 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. Otto. All right, sir! [Exit quickly in hotel L,.] Fred. Now she'll see that I'm in earnest! Joues. My dear Mr. Parker, you have plenty of time before the next train! — I wish you would do me the favor to speak a good word for me to Mr. Growler, before you leave! — For some reason or another the old bear won't let me come near him!— You know — one good turn deserves another! Fred. [Puts down his satchel and throws his ulster upon it.] Why, my dear sir, — with the greatest pleasure! — If it hadn't been for you, I might still be listening to the tale of woe of Julius Caesar, my next door neighbor! Jones. I can't imagine what he has been telling his niece about me, — but I'm certainly in her black books just now! Fred. Leave it to me, — I'll square matters for you! Jones. I'll be your life long debtor if you do!— Now to try and speak to Hebe once more! [Exit quickly L. 2 e.] Fred, Glad I found an excuse for delay! [Cora enters from hotel L., and picks up the satchel icithout speaking.] What are you doing Cora? Cora. I'm going to take your satchel up stairs again, sir! The Missus says you're not going to leave anyhow! Fred. She does, eh? — Well she's mistaken! — I am going to leave by the next train! — I only want to see Mr. Growler for a moment before I go! ^ Cora. Well, — what am I to do now? Fred. Go and have some breakfast! [Exit in hotel l..] Cora. [Holding her sides.] No, thanks, — I couldn't eat another morsel! — Now I don't know what the missus wants, and I don't know what the master wants! — I don't think they know what they want themselves! Otto. [From hotel l,., remains on the steps^ Well, Miss, — und how do you like it already in Waukesha? — Pretty good place, I bet you some, — don't it? Cora. Ah, what!— They want to feed people to death here! Otto. [^Astonished.] Veil, veil, — dot's de first dime sooch a complaint has been made here already! [They walk off convers- ing behind hotel l. u. e.] Growler. [En tering slowly from hotel.] Now, I wonder where that girl is keeping herself! [Enter Yy^^ from hotel. He taps Growler on the shoulder. The latter starts, looks round, sees Fred, and shrinks together luith fear.] Ah! [He is about to make his escape, but is detained by Fred, w'ho grabs him by the hand.] Fred. Don't run away! — I only want one word with you! Growler. [Aside.] It's always best to humor those people! Fred, What have you got against Mr. Jones? Growler. He doesn't concern me in the least, sir! Fred. Now,— just for the sake of argument — imagine that I am Jones! WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 71 Growler. [Aside.] There he goes again with his delusions! Fred. I am in comfortable circumstances and able to support a wife. There's a clear profit of two hundred per cent in the drug business — I come to Chicago and meet a certain young lady! [Gesticulates lively.] You understand, eh?— It's a question of love at first sight! — The only girl for me in the whole world!— Just a plain American girl is good enough for me, — and all that sort of thing! — The question is for you to say " Yes " or '* No! " — Am I clear, uncle, eh? [Digs him in the ribs.] Growler. Perfectly! [Aside.] He might as well be talking Swedish to me! Fred. Now, — quick! — Your answer! Growler, Quick?— Excuse me, — I've just taken a bath, and feel somewhat chilly! — I want to go and get my overcoat! [Is about to leave.] Fred. [Detaining him, and offering him his ulster.] Here put on my coat, — that will keep you warm! Growler. [Aside, — nervously.] If I could only get away from here! Fred. [Holds up the ulster for Growler to put it on.] Come on ! — Hurry up ! [Assists Growler in putting on the ulster, ivhich is much too large for him.] Now, button it up in front. Growler, [Aside.] This thing feels like a straight jacket! — It's impossible to escape in it! Fred. Now, you're warm and comfortable!— Give me your answer! Growler. Excuse me, — but what did you ask me? Fred. What the devil! — Is your memory so short? Growler. [Anxiously.] Please, don't get excited! Fred. Well, — will you give her to Jones— yes or no? Growler. Who? Fred. I'll be blowed ! — Your niece, of course! Growler. [Quickly.] Do you think I'm crazy! [Suddenly correcting himself, — in fear.] No, no, — I didn't mean that! — Please, excuse me! [Steps on the ulster and almost falls. Fred grabs him by the arm to save him from falling .] Fred. [Holding him, and someivhat threateningly.] Don't fall! — Now, — for the last time, — are you going to give her to him — yes or no? Growler. [Frightened.] Yes, sir, — yes! Fred. [Releasing him.] Very well! — Then I mav tell Jones BO? Growler, As you please! [Enter Jones and Hel)e l. 2 e.] Hebe. [Beseechingly.] Uncle, dear! Fred. [To Growler.] Now speak out! — Here's your chance! Growler. [Trembling for fear.] Hebe, — for Heaven's sake,— to oblige me — say that you will marry that fellow over there! [Points to Jones.] 72 WHAT BECAME OP PARKER. Hebe. Oh, uncle,— I'll oblige you with all my heart! [Takes Jones' hand.] Jones. Yes, — so will I! Growler. [To Fred.] Now, you have your wish! — I hope you are satisfied! Fred. Yes,— thank you! [Goes towat^ds hotel l..] Growler. [Breathing deeply as if in relief.] Thank the Lord! Safe at last! — It's a terrjble trial to converse with a lunatic! — You never know when they may get dangerous! [Turns round and sees Jones and Hebe kissing each other. — Dumfounded.] Hebe! [Fulls them apart and steps between them.] There is no occa- sion to play your parts so naturally as all this! Jones. It's no play, — it's the real thing, uncle. Growler. [Perplexed.] V/hat! [Hebe and Jones remain in conversation ivith Growler ujj stage, as if explaining matters to him. Enter Mildred from hotel l.] Mildred. My dear Fred, — Vivian asked me to give you this! [Hands him a half dollar.] Fred. [Joyfully.] Fifty cents. Mildred. Yes, for your contribution box! Fred. Aunt, — this is kind of her! — Now, I'll pay a dollar, — for really I was to blame for it all! Vivian. [Entering from hotel l.] No, Fred, — it was all my fault! Fred. No, my love, — you are mistaken! Vivian. Very well, then! — Just as you say! — In the future I will give in to you, whether you are right or wrong. Fred. [Spreading out his arms, — gladly.] Vivy! [She throws herself in his arms^ Vivian. And if ever a thoughtless word should again escape my lips, Fred. I'll close them with a loving kiss! [Kisses her.] Mildred, Now you two are taking sense! [Enter Harrison fro7n hotel l.. — Growler, Jones and Hebe have come doum stage.] Growler. I can hardly understand that all this is reality! Jones. Here is the proof, uncle! [Spreads out his arms. Hebe crosses Growler and throws herself into them.] Growler. It's incomprehensible! [Hits himself on the fore- head.] Harrison. [To Growler.] I see one sucker got caught, eh? Growler. Yes, — and that sucker is myself! Positions: Mildred, Fred. Vivian. Hebe. Jones. Growler. Harrison. Curtain. THE END. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS m 015 973 326 9 • PLAYS. BEING the largest theatrical booksellers in the United States, we keep in stock the most complete and best assorted lines of plays and entertainment books to be found in this country. We can supply any play or book pub- lished. 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