% LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, Shelf ,._ __,_._Cl-%-JP- 6 : - 1*1 + UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. POETICAL VAGARIES; CONTAINING AN ODE TO "WE, A HACKNEY'D CRITICK; LOW AMBITION, OR THE LIFE AND DEATH OF MR. DAW; A RECKONING WITH TIME; THE LADY OF THE WRECK, OR CASTLE BLARNEYGIG; TWO PARSONS, OR THE TALE OF A SHIRT. AND VAGARIES VINDICATED; A POEM, ADDRESS'D TO THE REVIEWERS ; BY GEORGE COLMAN, the Younger. THE SECOND EDITION OF EACH OF THE ABOVE PUBLICATIONS. WHICH ARE, NOW, FIRST PRINTED TOGETHER, * Cohcerent inter se.' Cicero. Stonton; PRINTED FOR LONGMAN, HURST, REES, ORME, AND BROWN, PATERNOSTER-ROW, 1814. J. M'Creery, Printer, Black-Horse Court, Londoa. zr- TO ORTHOGRAPHERS, When these Poems were first publish'd, I ven- tured to anuex to certain words a punctuation contrary to the Fashion of the Press. It relates to the use of the Apostrophe, in Preterits, Parti- ciples, and Adjectives ; such as move'd, instead of mov'd, dance'd, for dancd, used, for usd, &c. &c. # Some Criticks, it seems, have reprobated this attempt; but I have not heard that they have condescended to take the trouble of refuting it; and as it is not, therefore, abandon'd, in the pre- sent edition, this opportunity may serve to explain the notions on which it is founded. Let me premise, however, that, though I re- spect good spelling, I disclaim pedantry ; — that, if I have done wrong, my error proceeds from a de- sire to preserve what appears to me a requisite limb of Orthography ; not from a rage for trick- ing out it's body with coxcombical appendages ; — * If it be worth while to refer, it will be found that this punctuation is more uniformly observe'd in the last Poem than the first. TO ORTHOGRAPHERS. and, that, by the following desultory observations, I only aim at inducing my Superiors to settle my Doubt ; not at writing a treatise, dogmatically to contend for a System. The learned Bishop Lowth, in common with his brother grammarians, informs us, that, ' In English both the Past Time Active, and the Par- ticiple Perfect, or Passive, are form'd by adding to the word, ed; or d only where the word ends in e :' — and, that, ' The nature of our language, the accent and pronunciation of it, inclines us to contract all our regular verbs : thus loved, turned, are commonly pronounce'd in one syllable, lovd, tumdJ It would be absurd to argue against this gene- ral pronunciation : — but the contraction is an irre- gularity, and a license; it is necessary, therefore, that Authors should distinguish when they mean the reader to use it; and this they do, more or less, as it is every day seen, in modern books, by an Apostrophe. — Now, whether the direction for this admitted mode of speech may have been, by Lowth and others, properly exhibited to the sight, is the subject of my present inquiry. If they have misled their pupils, it were better to have left the spelling undisturb'd, and to have omitted the Apostrophe, altogether: for, in this TO ORTHOGRAPHERS. Vll case, total darkness is preferable to false lights ; and to assist utterance by the elision of one letter, thereby leaving others, which, when combine'd, make us, according to analogy, utter wrong, is something like drawing a man's soundest grinders to help his mastication. It appears, by the foregoing extract from the learned Bishop, that the simple addition of d to a word ending in e, originally produce'd another syllable in utterance ; and so it does, to this day, in some instances. In the Church, it heightens the solemnity of prayer; in the Senate, it often dignifies the grace of rhetorick. Verse, too, em- ploys or rejects it's power, as it is convenient or incommodious to rhythm :— and this augmenting faculty of d is so imperious upon us in spelling- books, that we are oblige'd to separate the pa- rent syllable, whence the Preterit is form'd, into two awkward parts, for the immediate service of the Tyro : — as to rule, ru-led; to dislike, dis-li-hed. Yet it is particularly to be observe'd, that, in this division, for the sole purpose of teaching pro- per utterance, not one letter of the original syl- lable, with d attach' d to it, is omitted; but sylla- bication is thrust out of it's natural order, before d can exercise it's multiplying force : — and when Vlll , TO ORTHOGRAPHEPvS. such a division is made as does not convey proper utterance, as rul-ed, dis-lik-ed, it doubles the per- plexity of the child, (who must be puzzle'd even by the best method, as I shall presently shew,) and disgusts those who know the principles of certain combine'd letters producing certain sounds. The first mode which I have mentioned of di- viding syllables, best instructs a boy in mere Pro- nunciation ; the second bewilders him much more than the former, in it's principles ; both confuse him ; while both shock the philologer. Tell the boy to spell ruled, in the first manner. He begins — r, u, ru ; I, e, d, led; ru-led. Very well, child ! — but, after all, here is an unfortunate original monosyllable strangely rent in twain, which must confuse the boy in the word rule, if he thinks about it at all, and does not learn language like a parrot. — Then try the other way. — R } u, /, rule ; e, d, ed; rul-ed. Good boy ! — but this will not do ; for the letters r, n, I, do not spell rule. Once more, as our last hope. — R, u y I, e, rule ; — Bravo ! now for the d; — what does d by itself spell ? — No- thing ! — What is the boy to make of all this ? — I make the following deducements. Since, in Schemes to elucidate actual pronun- ciation, that arrangement is best which divides syllables so that they may impart, as nearly as TO ORTHOGRAPHERS. possible, their true sound in the word they help to compose;* — since all such schemes, however they may be, more or less, syllabically vicious, ex- hibit the right spelling of a word altogether ; — it follows, that, the efficacy of a contracting mark (inserted for the purpose of directing us how to speak) may be questioned, whenever we find, from grammatical rules, it not only corrupts the sound of the vowel which precedes it, but violates orthography. I shall be told that the Apostrophe, as now use'd in Preterits, does neither the one nor the other ; that it implies the letter in the spelling, which it elides in the utterance ; and that, thus, every thing is right, as to spelling, and the sound of the pre- ceding vowel. Now I beg leave to submit, that, it cuts off the final e in the original word, instead of the implied force of e in d; — it cripples the parent syllable, under pretence of curtailing the understood power in the adjunct ; and strikes at the root of the tree, by way of loppiug it's branches. — D, when it forms a preterit, by following a consonant, always * In support of this opinion, see Lowth's Introduction to English Grammar ; and Walker's Pronouncing Dictionary^, under the prefatory article ' Syllabication* TO ORTHOGRAPHERS. becomes ed; as in turned, mended; and it is, to all intents, ed in itself, when attach'd, for the same purpose, to a vowel. The fact seems to be, that, in downright strict- ness, and according to all analogy bearing upon this regular preterit, (which a fashion in printing only has render'd doubly irregular, by contraction upon contraction,) d should be written ed; as grace-ed, like-ed: — in this point of view, we perceive the true place for elision, without difficulty ; and the Apos- trophe, then, points out the proper contraction of sound, without danger of injury to pronunciation, or orthography ; as graced, liked. If, then, for the sake of avoiding the formality and trouble of printing two ees with a hyphen, as hate- ed, we offer violence to a syllable, and absolutely tear it in two, (as in ha-ted,) to accommodate d with a borrow'd effect, because we are too indolent and fashionable to make him produce his own dormant attribute, — if w 7 e do this, is d also, when a con- traction is expedient, to perpetrate a cruelty upon the unhappy syllable, because it is no longer w r anted upon a supererogatory service? — This is making d commit the same barbarity which, among others, has been attributed to Buonaparte, — that of murdering certain soldiers, after they had fought his battles, because he had no further occasion for TO ORTHOGKAPHERS. : them : or, rather, as it happen'd in Russia, leav- ing others to be knock'd on the head, to escape being scratch'd himself. * Where a vowel is terminated by a consonant, except that consonant be r, whether the accent be upon the syllable or not, the vowel has it's short sound, which, compare'd with it's long one, may be call'd shut?* Thus, take away e from the verbs to bane, to cure, &c. they become ban and cur, with the remaining vowels shorten'd, (even, here, in the excepted instance of r,) which were before long ; — and if we still add another consonant, as d to form the preterit, it does not mend the matter ;f but tends to confirm the short sound still more, if possible ; for we know how such a combination of letters is pronounce'd in a band of musick, and the curd of a sillabub. To apply the above Rule to the first words that present themselves, (as laced, liked, baked,) let it be display 'd, after the present fashion of printing, that a man lacd a coat ; lik'd his wife ; and bak'd his pig : then, as c is hard between two consonants, (like k * Walker. t There arc some exceptions to this in the letter i; — as in find, child, &c. Xll TO ORTHOGRAPHERS. every where, or like itself and k together,) and as the vowels are short, according to orthoepy, we must necessarily pronounce that a man lack'd a coat; lick'd his wife; and backed his pig, — that is, took a ride upon his pig, as he would upon his poney. — If I may judge by my own feelings, it is difficult for grammatical readers, on seeing certain letters in juxtaposition, to avoid thinking of the Principles of Speech, notwith- standing the intervention of the Apostrophe as now employ'd. What is to be made, at first sight, of the preterits akd, nsd> icd, &c. ? and even though habit has, in part, reconciled us to ak'dj us* d , icdy &c, still there is something painful in looking at them : and they would absolutely excite disgust, if we had been accustom'd to the more intelligible ake'd, use'd r ice'd. There is a multitude of words, and syllables, now reduce'd to the same predicament: some that I am bold to think ought to be exploded by all well-bred persons, when pronounce'd analogically. >> To mention only one, — the last syllable of venturd, TO ORTHOGRAVHERS. X1U thus deprive'd of it's e, can never be utter'd alone, in any polish'd assembly. Of loved and turned, — ( their second person,' says Lowth, f which was originally lovedest, turnedest, is become a dissyllable, lovedst, turn- edst.' — But, if the e be thrown out in est, (without entering, pro or con, into the merits of this elision,) another e has been, already, ejected in lov'd and turnd: therefore, if both contractions be admitted, the words must be lovdst, turndst : and under this arrangement would, also, come dancdstjfencdstjjiddldst, hobbldst, stumbldst; and a multiplicity of other frightful associations, whose look ' does sear mine eyeballs !' — It would almost startle a Dutchman to contemplate such a formidable congress of consonants ! The various instances, and their various branches, which have induce'd me to employ the Apostrophe as I have, in preterits form'd by d join'd to words ending in a vowel, might swell to a volume :* — but * It may be urge'd that my reasoning is done away, in many cases, by doubling a letter ; and that hop% for instance, cannot be pronounce'd as fornVd from to hop, because the preterit of this last word is spelt hopp'd : — But the necessity of foisting p upon the adjunct ed only corroborates my prin- ciple, by contrasting it; — for, when neither hopped nor hoped are abridge'd, as the duplication of a consonant keeps the o ehort in the first word, so only one consonant follow'd by a XIV TO ORTHOGRAPHERS. I propose'd only an outline of my thoughts ; and have advance'd sufficient, on this head, to illustrate my general principles. — I have little subsequently to say; for few, if any, I trust, will be offended with my elision of e, in ed, after a consonant, as turrid for turned; because this method is frequently seen in modern publications, though not so often, I think, as it ought to be : and it is curious to observe how very often the Apostrophe is left out, in such words, when they are intended to be pronounce'd short, while it is so repeatedly inserted to maim orthography, and shorten vowels that should be long. — I can conceive no motive for this but an odd qualm of conscience*, a wish to maintain a bungling kind of moral balance in print, by preserving redundant letters in one place, as a retribution for striking out those that seem indispensable in another. vowel is necessary to preserve the o long in the last. — Take away the e in hope'd, and the o is as effectually shorten'd by the two succeeding consonants as by three, or half a dozen. A word or two more, on another point. — I have said that when a preterit is form'd by joining d to a word ending in e, not one letter of the radical syllable is omitted in a spelling- book : — it may, then, be ask'd, — how happens e to be left out when ing is annex'd to it, as in hoping, &c. &c? — No doubt, the word is more properly hopeing ; but ' the diph- thong ei y when unaccented, drops the former vowel, and is pronounce'd like short if — the total omission of e may be, therefore, allowable. TO OIITHOGRAPHERS. XV Walker, indeed, very strongly implies that Pre- terits, when printed at full length, should always be contracted in reading, as a matter of course. # This doctrine I deny ; but it seems to be his general rule ; first, by his giving exceptions to it, in blessed, learned, cursed,— and in aged and winged, when these two last words are not compounded with another ; and, secondly, by his saying, * The Distressed Mother, the title of a Tragedy, needs not to be written Distrest, (there I agree with him,) as we generally find it, because, though we write in the former manner, it must necessarily be pronounced in another/ — Now Distressed as plain- ly appears to say to us ' utter me in three syl- lables/ as Distress 9 d tells us to speak it in two. — Distress'd, and not distrest, sets the matter right. But as Walker has quoted the title of a Tragedy, to support (though it does not) his opinion, let me bring forward King Richard the Third against him. In the first speech of Shakspeare's Play of this name, we find the following lines ; ' Our bruised arms hung up for monuments.' — * And, now, instead of mounting barbed steeds.'— * I am determined to prove a villain.' Now if the words printed in Italicks were con- * Very often they cannot be contracted ; as in the very word itself, contracted, — and many others. XVI TO ORTHOGRAPHERS. tracted in the utterance, what would become of the metre ? — But, it may be said, men's ears will direct them in speaking poetry : — yet how few have a good ear for poetry, and how many, who are by no means illiterate, have no ear for poetry at all ! In poetry it is, therefore, necessary to insert the Apostrophe, wherever a contraction is meant; and, then, whenever it is omitted, it will be under- stood that the word is to be spoken at full length. — In the Drama particularly, in Novels, in short, wherever Dialogue is carried on, by persons speak- ing in character, these distinctions of sound should always be designated : — to a Quaker in a printed Play the ascertainment of his formal ed is of con- sequence; — and, in all books, it helps to obviate some of those errors in pronunciation to which, it is fear'd, the majority of readers is liable. I conclude, then, by saying, that, until the Learned remove my scruples, I shall continue to write danced for danc'd, walk'd, for walked, &c, &c. ; and that, when I omit the Apostrophe, I intend no contraction of speech whatever. G. C. 5th April, 1814. AN ODE TO WE; a hackney'd critick. " Nothing, if not Critical." Shakspeare. I. Hail, Plural Unit ! who woulcTst be A Junto o'er my Muse and me, With dogmas to control us ; Hail, mystick WE ! grand Next-to-None ! Large Body Corporate of One ! Important OMNES, Solus ! POETICAL VAGARIES. II. First Person Singular ! pray, why Impregnate, thus, the Pronoun I? Of madness what a tissue I To write as if, with passion wild, Thou oft hadst got thyself with child, And thou wert Self and Issue ! III. Thy Voice, which counterfeits, alone, A score of voices in it's own, Awn lie takes in the Many ; Thus a bad One Pound Note is past For Twenty Shillings,: — and, at last, Turns out not worth a penny. IV. 'Tis well for Thee no laws of thine Can crush vile Followers of the Nine ; ODE to we; &c. Thou live'st upon the sinners ; And if all Poets left off writing", Through thy anonymous inditing, Why thou must leave off dinners : V. For TJioit could'st ne'er turn Poet, sure, Laurels, or luncheons, to procure ; Witness thy present calling ; Else why not write thyself a name So very humble, e'en, in fame, As mine which thou art mauling ? VI. Yet, hold, — thou may'st, on Pindus' heights, Have far out-soar'd my lowly flights — « No, — that's a thought I'll smother : The meanest Bard, among the mean, Can he,- t thus, sculk behind a screen, And try to stab a brother r POETICAL VAGARIES. vn. But come, — one moment, leave thy pen Stuck in thy gall-bottle, — and, then, Smooth o'er thy forehead's furrow : Let's chat : — Where got'st thou thy employ ? Art thou of Dublin City, joy ? Or bonny Edinborough ? VIII. Or, art John Bull, in garret cramm'd ?' " Spirit of health, or goblin damn'd ?" Be something, for thy credit : Perhaps, thou'rt he who (as they say) Cut up the last successful Play, And never saw nor read it. IX. Be what thou wilt ; — when all is done, To me thou'rt (like Thyself) All One; ODE TO WE, &C. Thou'rt welcome, still, to flog on ; For, till one addled egg's a brood, Or twenty WEs a multitude, My Muse and I will jog on, X. Now, should'st thou praise me, after all Though that, indeed, were comical, What honour could I pin to't ? If Porridge were my only cheer, Thy Praise or Blame must both appear Two tasteless chips thrown into't XI. Then, WE, shake hands, and part ! — no breach No difference, twixt us, I beseech ! Although our business varies : Thine is Detraction, mine is Jest ; Which occupation, pray, is best, — Thy Spite, or my Vagaries ? LOW AMBITION; THE LIFE AND DEATH OF MR. DAW. Frcecordia ludit. Claims the Belly Part. Persius. Moore's Almanack. Malebranche, and Lock, and such grave fellows, Who were abstracted reasoners, tell us Much that relates to Man : — when you have read All these Philosophers have said, LOW AMBITION, &C. You'll give them credit for their perspicacity ; — And, after that, (if you should have a head Of no great ontological capacity) You'll know as much, About the matter, as I know of Dutch : For, when a metaphysick chain Once gets entangle d in your brain, The more you rattle it, the more you rave, And curse, and swear, and misbehave, — Coming to no conclusion ; And, if, at last, you lose the smallest link, You may as well go whistle as go think Of mending the confusion. Then, leaving Spiritual Truths to those Who, taking pleasure in the study, O'er Thoughts on Human Understanding doze, Till human understanding grows quite muddy ;- i POETICAL VAGARIES. One proposition, only, I advance, (It will not lead Philosophy a dance) Respecting Man ; — videlicet, I n^ver met with any, yet, However thick his pericranium's density, — Let it be thicker than a post, — ■ Who has not some astonishing propensity, Of which he makes a pother, and a boast. He'il either tell you be can drink, or smoke, Or play at Whist, — or on the pipe and tabor,- Or cut a throat, a caper, or a joke, Much better than his neighbour. Many will say, they'll settle you the Nation ; And make a Peace, — solid, and good, — (I wish they would !) Sooner than the Administration. LOW AMBITION, &C. One tells you how a Town is to be taken ; A second o'er the Fair Sex boasts his power ; Another brags he'll eat six pounds of bacon, For half a crown, in half an hour. Thus Nature always brings, in Fortune's spite, Man's " ruling passion" as Pope says, to light. And I maintain that all these Ruling Passions, Divide them how you will, and subdivide,— I care not how they're ramified, Into their different forms, and fashions, — I say they all proceed from Pride : And this same Pride is founded on Ambition ; Shades varying, with talents, and condition. Look at that Rope-Dancer; — observe ! Gods ! how he vaults !— 'tis all to get a name ; Risking his limbs, and straining every nerve, To jump himself, poor devil! into Fame. 10 POETICAL VAGARIES. Mark with what Majesty he wields the pole, While the Buffoon (his vassal) chalks his sole ! Sir, 'tis his poor Ambition's richest hope To reign elastick Emperor, and Lord, O'er all who ever caper'd on a cord, And be the Buonaparte of the rope. In short, an itching for ren6wn Makes some dance ropes, and others storm a Town;- And an observer must be very dull If a Jack-Pudding, or a Pierrot, Don't, sometimes, seem to him as great a Hero As a Grand Signior, or a Great Mogul. That lowly men aspire to lowly glory Here followeth (exempli gratia) a Story. LOW AMBITION, &C. 11 GODDESS ! whose frolick humour glads the Sky ; Who, oft, with dimple' d cheek, to Momus listen ; Within the lustre of whose lucid eye Laughter's gay drops, like dew in sunshine, glisten ! Come, sweet ELJPHROSYNE! luxuriant MIRTH! Leave all the Heathen Deities behind ; Descend, and help, ('twill be but kind) One of the poorest Poets upon earth ! O ! now descend! while I devote my page To one who flourish'd on a London Stage. She comes ! — I sing the Man ycleped Daw, Whose Mother dress' d the Tragick Queens ; She in the Candle-Snuffer raise'd a flame ; Then quench'd it, like a liberal Dame; And the first light my Hero ever saw Was that his Father snuff'd behind the Scenes. 12 POETICAL VAGARIES. Born to the Boards, as Actors say, this Wight Was, oft, let out, at half a crown, per night, By tender parents, after he was wean'd ; At three years old, squab, chubby-cheek'd, and stupid, Sometimes, he was a little extra Fiend, Sometimes, a supernumerary Cupid. When Master Daw full fourteen years had told, He grew, as it is term'd, hobbedyhoy-isk ; For Cupidons, and Fairies, much too old, For Calibans, and Devils, much too boyish. This state, grave Fathers say, behind the Scenes, Often embarrasses their Ways and Means : And Master Daw was out of size, For raising the Supplies : — He was a perfect lout, — a log y — You never clapt your eyes Upon an uglier dog ! LOW AMBITION, &C. IS His voice had broken to a gruffish squeak ; He had grown blear-eye'd, baker-knee'd, and gummy ; And, though he hadn't been too hoarse to speak, He was too ugly, even, for a dumby. But hood-wink'd Fortune, Goddess of misprision. Soon gave her Bandeau's knot a tighter twist ; Or else, that she might have no chance of vision, — She, certainly, employed an Oculist : Had she but seen no better than the Fowl The chaste Minerva loves, — yclept an Owl, — Or had of seeing the least notion, She never, never could have found In Master Daw, that chubby, stupid hound, A subject for theatrical promotion. But, lo ! 'twas at a Ballet's night-rehearsal,— Perform'd, at last, as Play-Bills often shew 5 14 POETICAL VAGARIES. Whether the Ballet have been hiss'd or no, To over-flows, and plaudits universal ; — The Prompter's Boy, a pickle'd, thoughtless knave, Playing a game at marbles, in the sea, Happen'd to break his leg upon a wave, And Master Daw was made his Deputy. The Office of a Prompter's Boy, perchance, May not be generally known. I'll sketch it : — Would I could enhance The outline with some touches of my own ! The Prompter's Boy, Messieurs ! must stand Near the Stage-Door, close at the Prompter's hand ; Holding a Nomenclature that's numerical, Which tallies with the Book prompterical : And as the Prompter calls, " One, Two, Three, Four,' Mark'd, accurately, in the Prompt-Book page, LOW AMBITION, &C. 15 These numbers mean the Boy must leave the Door, To call the folks refer' d to, for the Stage. In this capacity, as record saith, Young Master Daw Both heard and saw As much (if not as two) as any one can ; — He saw the Actor murdering Macbeth, Whom he had only caird to murder Duncan., He saw Anne Boleyne, in the Green-Eoora, grant A kiss to Wolsey, dangling at her crupper ; Heard an Archbishop damn a Figurante, And Shylock order sausages for supper. During his time, (or Master Daw's a liar) Three Virgins of the, Sun grew wondrous round: Pluto most narrowly escape' d from fire, And Neptune in a water-tub was drown'd. 16 POETICAL VAGARIES. During his time, from the Proscenium ta'en, Thalia and Melpomene both vanish'd ; The Lion and the Unicorn remain, — Seeming to hint, to a capricious Age, " Suffer the Quadrupeds to keep the Stage," " The Muses to be banish'd." During his time, — psha ! let me turn Time's glass. Reader, old Time (depend on't) will kill Thee; But, should I grow prolix, alas ! Thou never would'st kill Time by reading Me. Yet, here, will I apostrophize thee, Time ! If not in reason, why in Crambo Rhime. 17 A RECKONING WITH TIME* I. COME on, old TIME !— nay, that is stuff; Gaffer i thou come'st on fast enough ; — Wing'd foe to feathered Cupid ! — But, tell me, Sand-Man ! ere thy grains Have multiplied upon my brains, So thick to make me stupid ; — II. Tell me, Death's Journeyman ! — but, no ; Hear thou my speech ; — I will not grow * This ' Reckoning trith Tim€ appear'd three or four years ago, at the request of a friend, in a monthly publication;— whence it was copied into a few works of a similar description:— But, as it was first, purposely, written to be introduced in the present Tale, and has been seen, only, in prints a little more fugitive (-perhaps) than this Book, the Author trusts he may be excusc'd for inserting it in the place of it's original destination. 18 POETICAL VAGARIES. Irreverent while I try it ; For, though I mock thy Flight, 'tis said, The Forelock fills me with such dread, I — never take thee by it. III. List, then, old Is-Was-and-To-Be ! Til state accounts 'twixt Thee and Me ; — Thou gave'st me, first, the measles ; With teething would'st have ta'en me off, Then, made'st me, with the hooping cough, Thinner than fifty weasels. IV. Thou gave'st Small-Pox, (the Dragon, now, That Jenner combats, on a Cow ;) And, then, some seeds of knowledge ;-— Grains of the Grammar, which the flails Of Pedants thresh upon our tails, To fit us for a College. RECKONING WITH TIME. 19 V. And, when at Christ-Church, 'twas thy sport To rack my brains with sloe-juice Port, And Lectures out of number ! — There Fresh-man Folly quaffs, and sings, While Graduate Dulness clogs thy wings, With mathematick lumber. VL Thy pinions next, — which, w 7 hile they wave, Fan all our Birth-Days to the grave, — I think ere it was prudent, Balloon'd me from the Schools to Town, Where I was parachuted down, A dapper, Temple Student. VII. Then, much in Dramas did I look ; Much slighted Thee, and great Lord Coke ; 20 POETICAL VAGARIES. Congreve beat Blackstone hollow ; Shakspeare made all the Statutes stale, And, in my Crown, no Pleas had Hale, To supersede Apollo. VIII. Ah, Time ! those raging heats, I find, Were the mere Dog-Star of my mind \ How cool is retrospection ! Youth's gaudy Summer Solstice o'er, Experience yields a mellow store. An Autumn of reflection ! IX. Why did I let the God of Spng Lure me from Law, to join his throng*,- Gull'd by some slight applauses ? What's Verse to A when versus B ? Or what John Bull, a Comedy, To pleading John Bull's causes ? RECKONING WITH TIME, %\ X. Yet, though my childhood felt disease, Though my lank purse, unsworn by fees, Some ragged Muse has netted, — Still, honest Chronos ! 'tis most true, To Thee (and faith to others, too !) Fni very much indebted. XI. For thou hast made me gaily tough, Inure'd me to each day that's rough, In hopes of calm, to-morrow ;— - And when, old Mower of us all ! Beneath thy sweeping scythe I fall, Some few dear friends will sorrow. XII. Then, — though my idle Prose, or Rhime, Should, half an hour, out-live me, Time ! POETICAL VAGARIES. Pray bid the Stone-Engravers, Where'er my bones find Church-Yard room, Simply to chisel on my tomb,— " Thank TIME for all his Favours !" Managers, Actors, Candle-Snuffers, — all, — Yea, all who write, or damn, or clap a Play, E'en little Prompters' Boys, who Players call, (Sad truth to tell !) grow older every day. Now had the sure Fore-runner of our Fate, (TIME, whom I have apostrophize'd,) Who rubs no Russian oil upon his pate, Scorning a wig, or a transparent tete, Or any cure for baldness advertise'd; — Time had besprinkle'd, with some years, My Hero's asinine and vulgar ears. LOW AMBITION, &C. 23 Daw, now adult, and turn'd of five-and-thirty, Conceive'd himself miraculously clever : — His skin was like a Dun Cow's hide, grown dirty, And his legs knit in bandiness, for ever. Coxcombical, malicious, busy, pert, Brisk as a flea, and ignorant as dirt, When he began one of his frothy chatters, Boasting about his knowledge of Stage matters, He looked so very, very sage, You could not, for your soul, talk gravely to him ; He seem'd an Or an Outang, come of age, ConniveM at for a man, by those who knew him. Many strange faces may be seen ; — but Daw's Look'd like the Knocker of a Door, — whose grin Has let it's handle tumble from the jaws, To hinder you from rapping on it's chin. Three single ladies, and one married, By looking at him, all miscarried. 24 POETICAL VAGARIES. No longer Prompter's Boy, he now had gain'd A rank upon the Stage almost unique; A rank of which I am about to speak ; — Which, with great dignity, he long maintained. " Daw on the Stage ! too ugly as a lad !" " And now so frightful, when to manhood grown," " That Ugliness had ' mark'd him for her own/ " Sure the Proprietors were all gone mad !" Reader ! it ill becometh me To say how mad Proprietors may be ; — But, every night, To crowded audiences, did Mr. Daw Give Boxes, Pit, and Galleries delight, Acting with great eclat. And though he acted so repeatedly, (Of which he often talk'd conceitedly) LOW AMBITION, &C. 25 Although no Actor, in his line, excell'd him, — Yet, in the personation of his part, (The fact, I know, will make you start,) Not one of his Encomiasts beheld him. When the Enigma is expounded, You'll own 'tis true, and be dumfounded. Weil was the adage to my Hero known That Beauty merely is skin deep ; jBut, thinking Ugliness is some skins deeper, He, very politickly, tried to creep Into another skin beside his own ; — Wherein conceal'd, His face and figure couldn't be reveal'd, And soon he prove'd a most successful creeper. Being a persevering rogue, Through interest, and strong solicitation, 26 POETICAL VAGARIES. Before live cattle came in vogue, He got, at last, his wish'd-for situation : — And, when sham Beasts came on, it was his pride To tell, — he always acted the Inside. Thus Daw " with Fortune almost out of suits," Unfit to shew himself, or utter words, Wriggle'd into the Parts of all the Brutes, And all the larger Birds. He was the stateliest Ostrich seen, for struts ; Unrivall'd in the bowels of a Boar ; Great, and majestick, in a Lion's guts, And a fine Tiger, both for walk and roar. A noted Connoisseur was heard to swear, (Prom minor merits far from a detractor) There was no bearing any outside Bear, If Mr. Daw were not the inside Actor. LOW AMBITION, &C. 27 Sometimes, a failure his great name would tarnish ; — Once, acting in a Dragon, newly painted, The ceruse, turpentine, and varnish, Gave him the cholick, — and the Dragon fainted. Once, too, when drunk in Cerberus, — oh! shame! He fell asleep within the Dog's internals ; — Thus, Mr. Whitbread's Porter overcame The Porter to the King of the Infernals. But in Dumb Follies, that succeed the Play, His reputation rose so fast, That he was calFd, par excellence, at last, The great Intestine Roscius of his day. Yet frequently it has been shewn, And History hath often stated, A Hero meets in his career a check; Sometimes in battle he is overthrown, BO POETICAL VAGARIES. Sometimes he is assassinated, And, sometimes, he's suspended by the neck.— Sundry the ways, when Fortune's scurvy, In which a Hero is turn'd topsy-turvy. Christmas was coming on ; — those merry times, When, in conformity to ancient rules, Grand classick Theatres give Pantomimes, For the delight of Innocents, and Fools : — That is, (if I may make so bold) For Children who are young, — and Children who are old. A pasteboard Elephant, of monstrous size, Was form'd to bless a Learned Nation's eyes. And charm the sage Theatrical resorters; And, as two men were necessary in it, It was decreed, in an unlucky minute, That Mr. Daw should fill the hinder quarters. LOW AMBITION, &C. 29 The Hinder Quarters ! ! ! — here was degradation ! Gods! mighty Daw ! — what was thy indignation ! He swore a tragick oath ; — "by Her who bore him!" (Meaning the Dresser of the Tragick Queens) " No individual, behind the scenes," " Should walk in any Elephant before him/* " He'd rather live on husks," " Or dine upon his nails," " Than quit First Parts, under the trunks, and tusks," - " And stoop to Second Rates, beneath the tails !" " 'Twas due to his celebrity, at least," " If he should so far condescend" " To represent the moiety of a beast," " That he should have the right to chuse which end.'* The Managers were on the Stage ; To whom he, thus, remonstrated, in rage- 30 POETICAL VAGARIES. " I've been chief Lion, and first Tiger, here/' " For fifteen year ; — " " That, you may tell me, matters not a souse ;" " But, what is more," '• All London says, I am the greatest Boar" You ever had, in all your House. f Of all Insides, the Town likes me the best ;" " Over my head no Underling shall jump : — " " I'll play your front legs, shoulders, neck, and breast," " But damn me if I act your loins and rump !" Though this Address was coarser than jack-towels, Although the speaker's face made men abhor him, Yet, when a man acts nothing else but bowels, The Managers might have some bowels for him ; And if obdurate Managers could feel A little more than flint, or steel,-— LOW AMBITION, &C. 31 If they had any heart, On hearing such a forcible appeal, They might have let the man reject the part. All the head Manager said to it, Was, simply, this,- — " Daw, you must do it." And, after all, the Manager was right; But how to make the fact appear Incontrovertible, and clear, And place it in it's proper light, — Puzzles me quite ! Come, let me try. — Reader, 'twould make you sweat, (You'll pardon the expression) To see two fellows get, With due discretion, — ■ One upright, one aslant, — Into the entrails of an Elephant : 32 POETICAL VAGARIES. For, if you'll have the goodness to reflect On the construction of these huge brute creatures. You'll see the man in front must walk erect ; While he who goes behind must bend, Stooping, and bringing down his features, Over the front man's latter end : — And the Beast's shape requires, particularly, The tallest man to march first, perpendicularly. Now, the new inside man, you'll find, Was taller, by a head, than Daw ; Therefore 'twas fit that Daw should walk behind, According both to Equity and Law. Daw, for a time, with jealousy was rack'd, And with his rival wouldn't act ; Nevertheless, Like other Politicians in the Nation, Who can't have all their wishes, LOW AMBITION, &C. 33 He chose, at last, to coalesce, Rather than lose his situation, And give up all the loaves, and fishes. The House was cramm'd : the Elephant appear'd ; With three times three, the Elephant was cheer'd ; Shouts, and Huzzas, the ear confound ! The Building rings ; the Building rocks ; The Elephant the Pit, the Elephant each Box, The Elephant the Galleries resound ! The Elephant walk'd down, Before the lamps, to fascinate the Town. Daw, with his ugly face inclined Just over his tall rival's skirts Bore, horizontally, in mind His Self- Love's bruises, and Ambition's hurts. 34 POETICAL VAGARIES. Hating- the man by whom he was disgraced, Who from his cap had pluck'd the choicest feather, He bit him in the part where Honour's place'd, Till his teeth met together. On this attack from the ferocious Daw, Upon his Pais Bas, The Man, unable to conceal his pain, Roar'd and writhe'd, Roar'd and writhe'd, Roar'd and writhe'd, and roar'd again ! That Beasts should roar is neither new, nor queer, But, on a repetition of the spite, How was the House electifierd to hear The Elephant say,—" Curse you, Daw, don't bite !" Daw persevere'd : — unable to get out, The Tall Man face'd about, LOW AMBITION, &C. 35 And with great force the mighty Daw assaiFd ; — Both, in the dark, were, now, at random, fighting, Huffing, and cuffing, kicking, scratching, biting, — Though neither of the Combatants prevailed. It was the strongest precedent, by far, In ancient, or in modern story, Of such a desperate intestine ivar, Wage'd in so small a territory ! And, in this Civil Brawl, like any other. Where every Man in Arms his Country shatters, The two inhabitants thump'd one another Till they had torn the Elephant to tatters ; — ■ And, thus uncase'd, the Rival Actors Stood bowing to their generous Benefactors. Uproar ensueM! — from every side, Scene -shifters ran to gather up the hide ; d 2 36 POETICAL VAGARIES. While the Two Bowels, in dismay, Hiss'd, hooted, damn'd, and pelted, — walk'd away. Reader, if you would, further, know The History of Mr. Daw, 'tis brief;— He died, not many months ago, Of mortified Ambition, and of grief: — For when Live Quadrupeds usurp' d the Stage, And which are, now, (but mayn't be long) the rage, He went to bed, And never, afterwards, held up his head. Awhile, he languished, looking pale and wan ; Then, dying, said, — " Daw's occupation's gone !" THE LADY OF THE WRECK; OR, CASTLE BLARNEYGIG: A POEM. TO THE AUTHOR OF THE LADY OF THE LAKE; WHOSE GIFTED MUSE NEEDS NO MERETRICIOUS COLOURINGS UPON HER BEAUTY} whose CHARMS MIGHT DISDAIN A VEIL OF OBSOLETENESS, TO OBSCURE THEM; THE FOLLOWING POEM, OF THE LADY OF THE WRECK, OR CASTLE BLARNEYGIG, IS RESPECTFULLY INSCRIBE'D, BY HIS ADMIRER. ADVERTISEMENT. Let not the Reader, whose senses have been delight- fully intoxicated by that Scottish Circe, the Lady of the Lake, accuse the present Author of plagiary. The wild Irish and wild Caledonians bore a great resem- blance to each other, in very many particulars ; — and two Poets, who have any " method in their madness," may, naturally, fall into similar strains of wildness, when handling subjects equally wild, and remote. — 'Tis a wild World, my Masters [—The Author of this Work, has, merely, adopted the Style which a northern Genius has, of late, rendered the Fashion, and the Rage: — He has attempted, in this instance, to become a maker of the Mo dern- Antique ; a Vender of a new Coinage, begrime'd with the ancient arugo ;— -a Con- structor of the dear pretty Sublime, and sweet little Grand;— & Writer of a Short Epick Poem, stufFd 42 ADVERTISEMENT. with Roraantick Knick-knackeries; and interlarded with Songs and Ballads, a la mode de Chevy Chase, Edom o Gordon, Sir Lancelot du Lake, &c. &c. How is such a Writer to be class'd ? " Inter quos refirendus erit? veteresne Poetas?" 11 An quos et prcesens et postera respuet cetas?" Hor. Epist. 1. Lib. 2. " qua?dam nimis antique— pleraque dura." — Hor. *' Thus have I, (my dear Countrymen) with incredible pains and diligence, discovered the hidden sources of the Bathos, or, as I may say, broke open the abysses of this great deep." Mart. Scrib. tcz^ ba©oyi. CANTO FIRST. HARP of the PATS !* that rotting long hast lain On the soft bosom of St. Allan's bog, And, when the Wind had fits, \ would'st twang a strain, Till envious mud did all thy musick clog, * " If it be allowed that the Harp -was in use among the ancient Caledo- nians, it can hardly be denied that they borrow'd it fiom the Irish." Walker's Historical Memoirs of Irish Bards. + The same idea occurs in the beautiful opening of the Lady of the Lake ; — where it is said that the Scotch Harp hung " On the witch-elm that shades St. Fillarts Spring ;" and "ftung^ it's numbers" down the "fitful breeze."— Indeed, the whole of the present Invocation to the Irish Harp is a tolerably close, though humble imitation of the commencement of the Poem above mention'd. 44 POETICAL VAGARIES. E'en just as too much pudding chokes a dog ; — Oh ! Paddy's Harp ! still sleeps thine accent's pride ? Will nobody be giving it a jog? Still must thou silent be, as when espied Upon an Irish, old, old halfpenny's back side ? Not thus, when Erin wore a wilder shape, Thy Voice was speechless in an Irish Town ; It rouse'd the hopeless Lover to a rape, Made timorous Tenants knock proud Landlords down ; Whisky, at every pause, the feast did crown ; — Now, by the powers ! the fun was never slack ; The Os and Macs were frisky as the Clown ; For, still, the burthen (growing now a hack) WasHubbaboo, dear joys! andDidderoo! and Whack! Och ! wake again ! arrah, get up once more ! And let me venture just to take a thrum : — THE LADY OF THE WRECK, &C. 45 Wake, and be damn'd ! you've had a tightish snore!-— Perhaps, I'd better let you lie there, dumb : Yet, if one Ballad-Monger like my strain, Though I've a clumsy finger and a thumb, I shan't have jingle'd Minstrelsy in vain; So, Wizard, be alive ! old Witch, get up again ! I. The Pig, at eve, was lank, and faint, Where Patrick is the Patron Saint, And with his peasant Lord, unfed, Went, grunting, to their common bed : But when black Night her sables threw Athwart the slough of Ballyloo,* The deep-mouth'd thunder's angry roar Rebellow'd on the Ulster shore, * In the latest Cholegraphy of Ireland, Ballyloo is not to be found in the Maps. Various other places, mention'd in this Poem, are, also, totally omit- ted. — But, even the discoveries of Captain Lemuel Gulliver, so long ago as the time of Queen Anne, are look'd for in vain, except in the Charts which are bound up in his own publication.— Shameful negligence! 46 POETICAL VAGARIES. And hailstones pelted, mighty big, The towers of Castle Blarneygig. II. Aloft, where, erst, tyrannick Fear Place'd lynx-eye' d Vigilance to peer,* And listen, in the dunnest dark, Whether a feudal cur should bark, Drunk, deaf, and purblind, in the din, Doze'd the old Warder, Rory Flinn. Before the antique Hall's turf fire, Was stretch'd the Porter, Con Macguire, Who, at stout Usquebagh's command, Snore'd with his prokerf in his hand. * i.e. The Watch-Tower ;— in which a man was, formerly, station'd, to give notice of danger, real, or apprehended, from the approach of any party, or parties, whatever.- -No vestige of this personage's office remains, in the rural abodes of our modern Nobility. In, and around, the Metropolis, and in great provincial Towns, and their suburbs, Warders, still, exist:— but they are situated on the ground; on the outside of Mansions, which they pretend, and are not suppose'd, to guard; in small Wooden-Boxes, just capa- ble of containing them,— wheeriu they doze, as conveniently as their prede- cessor Rory Flinn, in this Poem recorded, + Hibernice, proker; Anglice, poker. THE LADY OF THE WRECK, &C. 47 Kathlane, who very ill could dish Wild Baity-shannon's springy fish, And Sheelah, who had lately come To spider-brush, from Blunderdrum, Were dreaming', in a stole'n embrace, With Roger Moyle, and Redmond Scrace ; And all the Vassals' senses lay Drown'd in the Whisky of the day. — Still rage'd the storm ; — still, records run, All slept in Blarneygig, save one, Lord of the Castle, and Domain, Sir Tooleywhagg O'Shaughnashane.* • After a certain period, Irishmen adopted Surname's, for the convenience of designation; and to prevent that confusion from which they have, to this day, kept so proverbially clear.— Hence, arose the ' Os and Macs,'— meaning the ' Sons of.' — The O'Tooles were, formerly, of high celebrity in Ireland, in times of convulsion, and insurrection; military of course; — even the Clergy fought. — Ware informs us (referring to a piece of Biography, publish'd by Purius,) that " Laurence O'Tool had an Archbishoprick." It was a Dublin one. From the surname of the Knight of Blarneygig Castle, it is probable that the families of the O'Tooles and O'Shaughnashanes were allied, by inter- marriages. POETICAL VAGARIES. III. He heard, or thought he heard, a sound Pierce through the hurly-burly round ; A shriek, — a yell, — he knew not what, — So from his night-couch up he got ; Then through a peep-hole popt his head, And thus Sir Tooley whagg he said ; Standing the while, though something loth, In a short shirt of Irish cloth. IV. ' Spake out," he cried, " whose voice is that," ' Shrill as a Tom Balruddery Cat?"* : Come you a Fairy, good or ill," : My Bullocks to presarve or kill ?" * " Balruddery Cat."— The squall of a Balruddery Cat is very annoying to those whose organs of hearing are unaccustom'd to it: — and equally so is the squall of any Cat, in any other place; — which may somewhat tend to diminish the peculiarity of the Cats of Balruddery. THE LADY OF THE WRECK, &C. 49 " Or, only, does a Banshee* prowl," " For somebody's departing sowl ?" — " Haply you lurk, from Foemen nigh/' " My sea-side Castle's strength to spy/' " Who, on the morrow, may think fit" " To bother Blarneygig a bit :" " Och ! if the latter, — soon as light" " Peeps over Murroughlaughlin's height," " My Kernes, and Gallowglasses,f here," " Will shew you sport, with sparttie,! and spear;" " And, sallying on my spalpeen Foe," " Shout — Forroch ! Forroch !§ Bugg-abo!j| * " A Banshee:" — a friendly Spirit, that gave a strong hint of an approach- ing Death, in an Irish Family. — There has been, it seems, a similar superna- tural retainer in Scotland;— denominated, by my great Korth-Britisb Proto- type in Poetry, a Ben-Shie :— the last syllable, possibly, from the French, chier. t " The Irish of the middle ages had two sorts of Foot-Men, some call'd Galloglasses, arm'd, &c. &c. — Others lighter arm'd, call'd Turbiculi, by some Timburii, but, commonly, Kerns." — Ware's Antiq. and Hist, of Ireland. f A Sparthe was an Irish weapon of war. § Forroch, Farah, or Ferragh. — " When they (the Irish) approach'd the Enemy so near as to be heard, they used this martial Cry — Farah! Farah!" — Ware's Antiq. and Hist, of Ireland. " The vulgar Irish suppose this War-song to have been Forroch, or Fer- ragh." — Spencer's State of Ireland." |j Bitgg-abo.— " They, likewise, call upon their Captain's name, or the word 50 POETICAL VAGARIES. V. Scarce had he said, when lightning play'd Full on the features of a Maid, Who, in the elemental shock, Stuck, like a limpet, to the rock. Rear'd o'er the surface of the flood, Her pallid cheek, her lip's life-blood, The blended colours seem'd to shew Of pearl, and coral, from below. Save that her dank dishevell'd hair Half hid her breast, her breast was bare ; — What could be seen lookM firm, and white, As the rude rock she held so tight : Bare too was all her beauteous form, Stript by the unrelenting storm ! of their Ancestors:— as under O'Neale they cry Landarg-abo /" &c. ong of t^e SBriDeuroom. x. Don't, now, be after being coy ; Sit still upon my lap, dear joy ! And let us, at our breakfast, toy, For thou art Wife to me, Judy !* And I am bound, by wedlock's chain, Thy humble sarvant to remain, Sir Tooleywhagg O'Shaughnashane, The Husband unto thee, Judy ! * The world has been much be-Mary'd, of late, by modern Poets of pretti- ness:— and we have innumerable sweet little Stanzas of Simplicity, ending with "my Mary," and " my Mary," to the end of the Chapter;— Much alter the following manner: — To-morrow, let it shine or pour, Precisely at the hour of four, Drive me the carriage to the door, My Coachman ! Tor I must dine with Doctor Brown, And to his Villa must go down, — Thou know'st the way to Kentish Town, My Coachman! THE LADY OF THE WRECK, &C. 89 Each Vassal, at our Wedding-Feast, Blind drunk, last night, as any beast, Roar'd till the daylight streaked the East, Which spoiFd the sleep of thee, Judy ! Feasts in the Honey-Moon are right ; But, that once o'er, my heart's delight ! Nought shall disturb thee, all the night, Or ever waken me, Judy ! The skins of Wolves, — by me they bled, — Are covers to our Marriage-Bed ; Should one, in hunting, bite me dead, A Widow thou wilt be, Judy ! Howl at my Wake ! 'twill be but kind ; And, if I leave, as I've design'd, Some little Tooley whaggs behind, They'll sarve to comfort thee, Judy! 90 POETICAL VAGARIES. XL Touch'd by the pathos of the Song, Though every note was rumble'd wrong, Scarce could the sympathetick Bride Her conjugal emotions hide. — To see her husband's Corse ! — and, oh ! A Wolf to bite him from her so ! A Wolf!— all Erin's Saints forbid! Whose skin was but her coverlid ! Beneath that softness lurk'd there life To make a Widow of a Wife ! To make her Lord resign his breath ! To make her see him stiff in death ! — Ye modern Spouses ! never scoff At the fond Tear she hurried off; But, as she dash'd the tear away, She smileM, — and laboured to be gay. THE LADY OF THE WRECK, &C. 91 XII. " What is this Ring/" she said, " Sir Knight," " That on your finger looks so bright ;" " Outshining the fair Star of Morn ?" " Some old love-token, I'll be sworn i" " I'll pull it off, dear !"— at the word, Thunder, far off, was muttering heard ; And Lightning faintly play'd, to own It quiverM for the mystick stone. — Then all was hushed as Death again ; Save that a sound swung down the glen, As, tolling, on the ear it fell, From Bunamargy-Friery bell. Dull wax'd the Sun ; — a dusky red Through the dense atmosphere was spread ; Rooks to their tree -tops caw'd retreat, Oppressed with suffocating heat. 92 POETICAL VAGARIES. XIII. The Chief (confusion mark'd his brow) Cried, " Bathershane ! be asy, now I" " 'Tis but a toy, — a gift to me" " Sent from a dead friend, now at sea." — Here Conscience whisper'd — Many a wave Thou Lust's, thou Avarice's Slave ! Is rolling o'er a luckless Fair, Driven, by thy falsehood, to despair. Turn from thy Wife ! — thou wilt be found As false to her as her that's drown'd. Turn from thy Wife — thy dalliance check ; Cease paddling in her ivory neck ;* Think on the Lady of the Wreck ! I XIV. " Sent from a friend at sea, who's dead !" The, now half-jealous, Lady said, * " Paddling in your neck with his damn'd fiDgers."- Shaktjjcarc. THE LADY. OF THE WRECK, &C. 93 " Would'st into life the lifeless drag ?' — " Thou banter'st me, my Tooleywhagg !" " Dead men, who sometimes float, I hear," " Transmit no presents home, my dear." " Come, come ! this toy, — this gewgaw thing," " This shewy, baubling, foppish Ring," " Befits thy manly finger ill y" — ' " Have it I must, Sir Knight, and will/" Quick from his hand she twitch' d the stone, And, laughing, fiVd it on her own. — ■ That instant, burst a bombard cloud, O'er Blarneygig's high turrets, loud ; And, while it's grand Artillery roar'd, Both sheeted fires and waters pour'd. Earth's huge maternal sides up-born, With horrid labour-throes were torn : — Then, Wicklow, first, thy mountains bold Fear tinge'd with something much like gold ;* * Gold is suppose'd to have been lately discover'd in the Wicklow Moun- tains:— but many doubt whether it be really gold, or only something like it, Be it the one or the other, it is a sign of good luck to the discoverers, 94 POETICAL VAGARIES. Moneykillcark's unfathomM bog Rush'd o'er the vales of Tullyhog j The Forest shudder'd o'er the Buck ; The shrinking Pond left dry the Duck ; Who, thrown upon her glossy back, Flutter'd, but quake'd too much to quack ; The Craven from his dunghil flew, And stilPd his Cock-a-doodle-doo.* XV. Nature, as sea-girt Erin shook, Her laws of gravity forsook. The Bucket's cordage, crack'd in twain, That wound the Lady from the main, — The Bucket then, ne'er meant to fly, DisdainM the beach, and sought the sky ; t The Craven is the dunghil-cock ; and is use'd, adjectively, by old Au- thors, as an epithet of cowardice. Individuals, of a noble family, now existing, have reverse'd the definition of this Epithet; and attach'd to the name of Craven every tiling that is spirited, and estimable, in society. THE LADY OF THE WRECK, &C. 95 The lofty Watch -Tower's roof beat in, And crushed the Warder, Rory Flinn : Expiring drunk, he "Whiskey" cried, All Water-Buckets damn'd, and died. The Sea, that lave'd the Castle's base, Arose, the battlements to face ; Fronting the windows, foaming came, Where sat the Chieftain with his Dame, And, full a minute ere it's fall, Spread a broad, waving, watery wall ! Sudden it sunk : — the orb of Day Now struggling with the clouds for sway, The awful Tempest roll'd away. Strew'd o'er the chamber, from the strand, Lay sea-weed, cockle-shells, and sand ; And, in a corner, shivering, sat, Wet through with brine, a Water-Rat : On the O'Shaughnashane it fix'd It's eyes, with anger, sorrow-mixt ; 96 POETICAL VAGARIES. Shew'd it's sharp teeth, in doleful spite, And knapp'd, and chatter'd, at the Knight. XVI. " Say, is the Tempest past?" inquire'd The Dame, who from a swoon respire'd. " Say, is the Tempest— ah ! what's that ?" " Save me, Saint Roger ! 'tis a Rat !" " What eyes ! what teeth ! what ears ! what hair ! " Look at it's whiskers ! — what a pair !" " And, oh ! Sir Tooleywhagg ! see what" " A long, thick, swinging tail 'thas got 1" " Destroy it, or I faint again ;" " Throw, throw it back into the main !" Perk'd on it's dripping haunches stood The bristling Reptile of the Flood, And utter'd to the Bride a squeak, That seem'd almost a human shriek ! THE LADY OF THE WRECK, &C. The shrieking Bride, sore, sore dismay'd, Almost a rat-like squeak repaid ; And hurried from the spot, to yield The Rat possession of the Field. XVII. Muse'd not the Chieftain, when his dear Fled the apartment, pale with fear ? Muse'd he not on the mystick Ring ? The Storm ? the Rat ? — the everything ? Sat he not wrapt in doubt, and wo, And trance'd in cogitation ? — no. The shallow cellules of his head Were so pre-occupied with lead, That, wanting intellectual space, Reflection could not find a place. 98 . POETICAL VAGARIES. But a rich Fool,* whose stars ordain His pate shall be one blank of brain, Ne'er long sits motionless alone, — He cannot think himself to stone; Nor like the wise, or would-be wise, Read, write, combine, philosophize ; Still, with no labour of the mind, Work, for his limbs, he's sure to find. His Body's action whiles away His listless life, in tiresome play, And helps the cranium of the Ass Folly's long holidays to pass. Left, by his Lady's sudden flight, The busy-bodied, brainless Knight, Barren of thought, deprive'd of chat. Threw bread and butter to the Rat. The reptile, in a sullen mood, It's whiskers twirl' d, and spurn'd the food. » This is by no means intended to insinuate that a man ■who is rich must, consequently, be foolish ; but that a fool who is affluent can afford to have no busiuess, or study THE LADY OF THE WRECK, &C- 99 XVIII. As the lone Angler, patient man ! At Newry- Water, or the Banne,* Leaves off, against his placid wish, Empaling worms, to torture fish ; As dull, at dusk, he plods to rest, Not, even, with a nibble blest, — So from the Rat retire'd the Knight, Convinced he could not get a bite. When to the Anti-room he came, A Rat again ! — the very same ! He left it, straight, and sought the stair, — The animal sat crouching there. He range' d his grand apartments through, — a The yellow Chamber, green, red, blue, — V There was the water-reptile too ! ^ Where could he go ? where stay ? where look ? At every turn, in every nook, * Rivers, in Ulster. h2 100 POETICAL VAGARIES. He fear'd the Rat would be espied, And all his fears were ratified. XIX. Months fleeted, since the earthquake's shock ; Meanwhile, at Allyballyknock, Grand feasts were given, in the Hall Of Lord Fitz Gallyhogmagawl ; Others at Craughternaughter Hill, Where dwelt the pale Mac Twiddledill • — There came the Knight ; — and thither sped The little hairy Quadruped ; Whom Host, and Guests, essay'd, in vain, To drive from the O'Shaughnashane. Where'er he went, whate'er the hour, On plain, or hill, in hall, or bower, At prayer, meals, sport, — all matters that An Irish Chieftain could be at, There grinn'd the same, eternal Rat ; THE LADY OF THE WRECK, &C. 101 Eluding every effort, still, To hurt, to catch it, or to kill. XX. On Blarneygig's high Gateway rear'd, A Manifesto, now, appear' d ; Sir Tooleywhagg's most strict command, Writ in his own, improper hand ; From which, with pure, and classick dread, Orthography, and Grammar, fled. Five minutes' shower washed away " Rade, and tak notis, every day." What matter'd? — for each Vassal knew His duty he was bound to do ;— But, in default of it, might plead Not one of them had learn'd to read. By word of mouth the Order, then, Was given,— and spread among the men ; — i02 POETICAL VAGARIES. That, through the territory sought, To each apartment must be brought That foe instinctive to a rat, That Tiger's miniature, — the Cat. XXI. Bagg'd, from a Cabin, on the skirt Of thy morass, soft Grannyfert ! First, came a Cottyer's* half-starve'd Tom, Whom Famine had deducted from ; Deducted, till it seem'd, through Fast, That eight of his nine lives were past. But soon his Cat-Star crying " eat," Relented, in the shape of meat ; New sleeked his coat, re-plump'd his flesh, And gave him his lost lives, afresh. * " They -were persons who, not holding, or unable to hold, any lands on their own account, were oblige' d to work for their subsistence, throughout the whole year, for such cultivators of land as call'd themselves gentlemen. These labourers went by the name of Cottyers." — Bell's Description of the Peasantry of Ireland." THE LADY OF THE WRECK, 120 POETICAL VAGARIES. Till sapping, at each feverish Toast, The little sense a Sot can boast, Quite vanquished, by potations deep, The human swine all sunk to sleep. What time they snorted loud, the fire, And every taper, did expire. A Vassal enter'd ; all was dark ; The turf he blew,— but not a spark! He grope'd the slopp'd oak-table round. And there, at last, a Candle found 5 The fatal Candle ! — at a lamp, Upon the stair-case, dim with damp, Relumining the wick that gave The Chief of Blarneygig his Grave, He place'd it where his Lord might take The light, whenever he should wake. Soon as the Candle 'gan to burn, Sir Tooley whagg he gave a turn ; — THE LADY OF THE WRECK, &C. 121 And groan'd; — but still his eyes were close'd, — Death hovering round him while he doze'd ! He dreamt of Tempest, of a Rat, And Night-Mares rode him, as he sat. A Thief within the Candle got, — The heated Chieftain grew more hot ; The Candle in the socket blaze'd ; He ope'd his eyes, — his head he raise'd ; That moment he had raise'd his head, The Light expire'd, — the Knight was dead ! Harp of the Pats ! farewell ! for, truly, I Am growing very sick of Minstrelsy ; — So get thee to the Bog again ! Good bye ! } TWO PARSONS; THE TALE OF A SHIRT. Paupertas omnes artes perdocet. — Plautls. Adam and Eve were, at the World's beginning, Ashame'd of nothing, till they took to sinning: But after Adam's slip, — the first was Eve's, — With sorrow big, They sought the Fig, To cool their blushes, with its banging leaves. TWO PARSONS, &C. 123 Whereby, we find Thai, when all things were recent, (So paradoxical is human kind !) Till folks grew naughty, they were barely decent. Thus, Dress may date its origin From Sin ; Which proves, beyond the shadow of dispute, How many owe their livelihoods to Fruit : — For Fruit cause'd Sin ; and Sin brought Shame ; And all through Shame our Dresses came ; With that sad Stopper of our breath, Death ! Now, had not Woman work'd our fall, How many, who have trades, and avocations, Would shut up shop, in these our polished nations, And have no business to transact, at all ! 124 POETICAL VAGAKIES. In such an instance^ what, pray, would become Of all our reverend Clergy ? — They would be thought uncommonly hum-drum, And banish'd, in a trice, Who, zealously, for pay, should urge ye Not to be Vicious, if there were no Vice. What would become of all the fy-fy Ladies? And all Proprietors of paw-paw Houses ? And all the learned Proctors, — whose grave trade is Parting, from bed and board, the paw-paw Spouses ? What would become of Heirs at Law, alas ! However Lawyers ferretted, If Relatives to death would never pass, And Heirs at Law, — never inherited ? What would become of all ('tis hard to say !) Who thrive on Vice, — but in a various way ? — TWO PARSONS, &C. 125 Those who maintain themselves by, still, maintaining it, And those who live by scourging, and restraining it ? Again, — if we should never die, nor dress, But walk, immortally, in nakedness, ^Twould be a very losing game for those Who furnish us with Funerals, and Clothes. To sum the matter up, then, briefly, Losers through Innocency would be, chiefly, The Lord Chief Justice, Undertakers, Hatters, Shoe, Boot, and Breeches Makers ; Jack Ketches, Parsons, Tailors, Proctors, Mercers, and Milliners, — perhaps Quack Doctors ; Hosiers, and Resurrection -Men, Sextons, — the Bow-Street Officers, — and, then Those infinitely grander Drudges, The big-wigg'd circuiteering Judges :— The venal Fair who kiss to eat, The Key-Keeper of Chandois-Street ; 126 POETICAL VAGARIES. The pooh! — there ne'er could be an end on't, Should I attempt to count them all, depend on't.— We know " hoc genus omne" daily is Before our eyes, — " cum multis aliis." But who would, then, have heard of, by the by, The Vice-Suppressing, starch'd Society ? — That tribe of self-erected Prigs, — whose leaven Consists in buckramizing souls for Heaven ; Those stift-rump'd Buzzards, who evince the vigour Of Christian virtue, by Unchristian rigour; Those Quacks, and Quixotes, who, in coalition, Compose the Canters' secret Inquisition ; Dolts, in our tolerating Constitution, Who turn Morality to Persecution, And, through their precious pates' fanatick twists, Are part Informers, Spies, and Methodists? TWO PARSONS, &C. 127 What would become of these ? — no matter what : — It matters not, at all, What would befall Each bigot Ass, or hypocritick Sot. But since, ah well a day ! that Death and Dress Have both obtain'd, what can our griefs express To see poor Parsons, — some are poor, His reckoned, — Prepare us for the first, and want the second? Great Britain's principal Soul-Mender Liveth, at Lambeth Palace, in great splendour ; — A Curate is another sort of man, Very unlike the Metropolitan, Living (without a Living) as he can. This last, who toils in a twofold vocation, That is, between his Wife and Congregation, } 12S POETICAL VAGARIES. Is, thereby, getting, all the while, — Which sure must raise (if nothing else) his bile- Scarce any thing but Children, and Vexation. Whene'er his Text he is about to handle, Lulling to sleep his Sunday people, 'Tis wondrous how his zeal Can burn at all, with scarce a meal, — And not go out, just like a Candle, Under his great Extinguisher, the Steeple :— - So small the salary, and fees, To help the Kneeler mend his breeches knees ! Oh ! how must his Parishioners be hurt, While their good Pastor is his Text persuing, To know his surplice hinders them from viewing His ragged Small-clothes, — ragged as his Shirt ! TWO PARSONS, &C. 129 This Theme ! — to Volumes I could swell it ; — But thereby hangs a Tale ; — Fll tell it. Ozias Polyglot, a Kentish Curate, So much his orthodoxy manifested, That by one Heathen Power he was detested, Who to poor Polyglot was most obdurate. This mythologick Deity was Plutus, The grand Divinity of Cash; Who, when he rumps us quite, and wont salute us, If we are men in Commerce, then we smash : If men of large Estate, then we retrench j— - But, if we are, in all respects, Mere simple Debtors, sans effects, 130 POETICAL VAGARIES. Hoping that Plutus may not always frown, We then, as calmly as we can, sit down, The King (Heaven bless him!) finding us a Bench. The God of Cash hath, latterly, display'd Much spite to sundry Citizens in trade ; Abandoning, to the World's wonder, Proud Firms, with whom 'twas thought he ne'er would sunder. He hath, moreover, look'd a little blank, And shewn a kind of coolness to the Bank : — The mighty Bank, at whose command is Great Credit, and Resource, has, all the while,, Returned the coolness with no sort of bile, To make men think it has the yellow jaundice ; But, finding Guineas in the Till run taper, Has, providently, stopp'd the slit with Paper, TWO PARSONS, &C. 131 Now, Plutus having turn'd his back On poor Ozias Polyglot, The lazy fat Incumbent's hack, — What had he got ? HI tell you what. He had got Twins, for three years running ; Which for a Curate is not over-cunning, Who never is in riches wallowing ; — But, for the three years following, (And 'twas less hard, in his uxorious case,) His loving Rib, instead of Deuce^ threw Ace. In matters of Arithmetic^ . At which I never boasted to be quick, He whose sage head is better, far, than mine, Will find, according to my calculation, Errors excepted, in the computation, Ozias, in six years, got babies Nine ! k2 132 POETICAL VAGARIES. The Parson clearly love'd his darling pets, Sweet, little, ruddy, ragged Parsonets ! Then, — which for all his drudging was not dear, — This meek Improver of his Congregation, This pious Helper of our Population, Had got — just Twenty-Seven Pounds, per year. Still, had Ozias Polyglot, With all his gettings, never got, Whereat the good man's trouble was not small, An invitation to the Hall; — Where dwelt a Thing of consequence, through Mire, A many-acred, two-legg'd Ass, — the Squire. 'Tis true, the Country Squire, of modern days, Is greatly mended, — like his roads, and ways : He is not, now, we know, That Porker he appearM, some years ago ; TWO PARSONS, &C. 133 That swinish, stupid, fattened Lord of Grounds, That Hog of bumpering capacity ; With far more noise than any of his Hounds, And infinitely less sagacity. He is not, now, as he was wont to be, So much the Cock of all his Company. He is not that tyrannick Wise-Man, : Who, in a territory of his own, Can " bear no Rival near his throne," And, therefore, asks to dine, five days in six, That he may knock them down in politicks, The unresisting Lawyer, and Exciseman. If such a Character should still remain, J Twas not the Squire who, now, possess'd the Hall:— He had not in his character a grain Of such a character, at all, 131 POETICAL VAGARIES. No ; — he had travell'd ; and he knew, At least, set up to know (which is the same For Fools, who get from Fools a sort of name,) Much about Paintings, Statues, and Virtu. His Mansion was the pink of Taste, and Art : His charming Pictures ! — oh, how they delighted you ! In his Saloon, Egyptian Monsters frighted you : And Pagods, on his Stair-Case, made you start. Nothing surpass'd his carpets, and his draperies, His clocks, chairs, tables, sofas, ottomans; — His rooms were crowded with Etruscan aperies, Fine noseless busts, and Roman pots, and pans, He had a marble Venus, on a stand, Wanting a leg, and a right hand ; TWO PARSONS, &C. 135 A sweeter piece of Art was never found ;— Had not those Brutes, the sailors, rot 'em ! In bringing her from Rome, knocked off her bottom, She would have sold for Thirty Thousand Pound. His Candlesticks, when guests retire'd to beds, Were Cleopatras, splashed with or moulu, Or squab Mark Antonies, antiquely new, With wax-lights, rammM into their hands, or heads, In every bed-room, there were place'd Knick-knackeries of wondrous taste, With shells, and spars, stuff'd birds, and flies in amber ; And, by the side of every bed, There stood a Grecian Urn, instead Of what is caird, in France, a pot de chambre. 136 POETICAL VAGARIES. To see the wonders of a House thus stock'd, His London Friends, in shoals, came down, Though he resided sixty miles from Town, And parties upon parties flocked. Now, they who came these vanities to view Did not care two-pence for Virtu; Nor for the Dwelling, nor the Dweller; — But they delighted very much to look On the rare carve-ioork of the Squire's French Cook, And to inspect, with special care, Those crusted Vessels, dragg'd to air, From the great Herculanium, his Cellar. In short, whate'er the season or the weather, They, kindly, came to breakfast, dine, and sup, At the Squire's charge, for weeks together ; — Giving themselves, most complaisantly, up To sensuality, — and all iniquity : Tft'O PARSONS, &C. 137 Kissing the rural Venuses they found, With cherry-cheeks, on the Squire's Ground, Till the poor Damsels they attacked Were Characters as crack'd As his crack'd Venus of Antiquity. The Londoners thus crowding to the Hall, It was no wonder That Parson Polyglot knocked under, And never poke'd his nose in it, at all. Besides the Squire for neighbours had a dread, And always " cut the natives," as he said. An accident, at last, however, granted To Parson Polyglot the very thing (As Iris said to the Rutilian King*). That Fate ne'er promiseM, and he so much wanted. * " Turne, quod optunti Divum promittere nemo" " Auderet, volvenda dies, en, attulit uUro"—V\xg. JEneid. 138 POETICAL VAGARIES. Some Wags were on a visit to the Squire, Famous adepts in practicable joking, — Which is as much true wit as smoke is fire, Or puffing empty pipes tobacco-smoking. These lively Apes of Genius, — who, for ever, Their jests can as mechanically grind As barrel-organ men their tunes, — opine'd Hoaxing a Parson was prodigious clever ! Therefore a Messenger was sent, To run as fast as he was able, With more of a command than compliment, And bid Ozias to the Great Man's table. The invitation made the Curate start! — Though worldly vanity could never bias, Till now, the meek affections of Ozias, Vain-Glory glow'd in his parsonick heart. TWO PARSONS, &C. 139 His eye shot ostentatious fire, (The first it ever shot off in his life,) When he was told, by his prolifick Wife, The message that was sent him, from the Squire. How oft it pains Historians to relate The truths which Truth obliges them to state ! The Fact, alas ! must out : — then, be it known, The Reverend Ozias Polyglot — (Much about gettings has been said)— had got Only one Shirt that he could call his own. He, now, had spared it ; And he was lying, snug, between Two blankets, till his Rib had wash'd it clean, And plaited it, and iron'd it, and air'd it. She had, that instant, hung it on the line, When the man knocked, to bid him forth to dine. uo POETICAL VAGARIES. The Parish Clock struck Five ; — at Six The Great Man chose his dinner-hour to fix. 'Twas three miles, in the dirt, Up hill, from the poor Parson's to the Hall : — " Come, duck !" he cried, " make haste, and dry the Shirt," " Or else I shant get there in time, at all." Vain the attempt ! — his Duck refuse'd to try it, Swearing it was impossible to dry it. The Curate bid her pull it off the cord, And vow'd into his shirt he'd get ; — Says Mrs. Polyglot, " good Lord !" " You're mad, Ozias ; vy it's wringing vet !" " Where is my neckcloth, then ?" — another rub ! ? Twas soaking at the bottom of the Tub, TWO PARSONS, &C. 141 Never was hapless Preacher more perplex* d ! "Woman!" he bawl'd, "you see how time doth press me ;" " In all my life, I never was so vex'd 1" — Then, gulping "Damme" substituted " Bless me l" Thoughts kicked up in his brain a sort of schism : — What measure to adopt ? — or what decline ? Was he to roll in bed ? — or go to dine ? — Affront the Squire, or get the Rheumatism ? On one side lay his interest, and ambition ; " A Patron might so better his condition !" But, then, on t'other side, His fears arose : " Folks lost the use of all their limbs, or died," He had been told, " by sitting in wet clothes." 142 POETICAL VAGARIES. " What would my Flock do ? — all my honest neigh* bours !" " If Death should, shortly, end my pious labours?" «- Wife ! what would You do, if disease assail'd me/' rf And, all at once, my precious members fail'd me V People, unblest by Fortune's gifts, Wanting clean Shirts, will, often, find out Shifts, The Parson's Surplice was laid by For Sabbath, — neatly folded up, and dry ; And, from the tail of that, His loving Helpmate snipp'd a slice, Which, in a trice, Made him a very long and white Cravat : — So long, indeed, — whereat he was full glad, — That, (though 'twas narrow) from his chin, Down to his knees, — Ozias being thin, — It hid, in front, what skin Ozias had. TWO PARSONS, &C. 143 Tied round his neck, it look'd extremely spruce ; He button'd up his waistcoat to the top ; Popp'd on his wig, — well flower'd for Sunday's use, To save expenses at the Barber's Shop. The Clock chime'd half past Five ; — " as I'm a sinner 1" The Churchman said, " I shall be very late !" " But Fm equipped." — He kiss'd his loving mate, And ran up hill, through clay, three miles to dinner. Criticks may say, — " Why did Ozias scour," " And scamper up so fast, through clay ?" " Dinner at Six is, scarce, a Curate's hour '" " Had not the Parson dine'd already, pray ?" Ye Sages, who, minutely, thus object, Know, first, the Parson did it from respect,— And, next, — no dinner could he buy, that day. 144 POETICAL VAGARIES. Pert, hireling Criticks ! self-sufficient elves ! Pray, did you never want a meal, yourselves ? Ozias reach'd the Hall, — puffing, and blowing, — Exactly as appointed, — little knowing How long for dinner he was doom'd to wait: He knew not (simple Servitor of Heaven !) That Fashion's Six means half past Six, for Seven, And, Seven come, the guests arrive at Eight. A shoulder-knotted Puppy, with a grin, Queering the threadbare Curate, let him in. Passing full many a Sphinx, and Griffin's head, The Churchman to the Drawing-Room was led: — No soul was there ; But, — oh! it's grandeur! — how it made him stare! The Elegancies that he saw Fill'd the Religionist with worldly awe ; TWO PARSONS, &C. Uo The Draperies, and Mirrors, much surprise' d him ; But when (recovering) he threw His eyes on the collection of Virtu y The Nudities quite shock'd, and scandalize'd him ! Titian's fame'd Goddess, in luxurious buff, Was the first Piece the Parson thrust his nose on ; — This prurient Picture surely was enough Ozias to confound ; — So he turn'd round Upon a plump Diana with no clothes on. 146 POETICAL VAGARIES. The holy man observed, in every part, Objects that "charm'd his eyes, and grieve'd his heart." He felt, all over him, a mix'd sensation, A kind of shocking-, pleasing-, queer jlustration, w Fy on't [" he mutter'd, " I declare" " Such Pictures should not on a wall be stuck :" " I ne'er saw any thing so very bare," " Except 'twas Mrs. Polyglot, my Duck." " And, if that naked Nymph, who looks so smugly," " Be Beauty's type, — then it must be confest" " That Mrs. Polyglot, when quite undrest," " Is most astonishingly ugly !" The Butler enter'd now, with cake and wine, And told him, as he went away, 'Twould be an hour, at least, he dare'd to say, Before the company sat down to dine. TWO PARSONS, &C. 147 Polyglot toss'd a bumper off; — it cheer'd The cockles of his heart, — and gave him vigour To face (what he, before, so much had fear'd,) The Squire, and all the Gentlefolks of Figure. He took a second bumper, — which so fire'd him, With so much gaiety inspire' d him, That he became another creature quite, And view'd all matters in a different light. At all the objects, which had shocked his gravity, He first began to smile, — though very slightly ; But, soon, with more complacency, and suavity ; — ■ Then, in a leering way, that borders Upon a style reckoned extremely sprightly, For any married man, in holy orders. He thought the Titian Beauty quite divine ;— This Shape was "exquisite!"— that Posture, "fine!" l2 148 POETICAL VAGARIES. And all the unclad Ladies charm'd him, now : He even put his finger upon one ; And cried, — " how naturally that is done !" " Aye, that's the life, — the very tiling, I vow ! ,; Before a Glass, he, next, began to strut ; His flower'd wig in better order put, — And brush'd against his sleeve his napless hat ; Call'd up a smirk he ne'er had known to fail, Pull'd higher round his neck the surplice' tail, That serve'd for his Cravat ; — Which tail (as has been stated) being ample, He thought it not amiss to give a sample That of clean linen he had, now, no lack ; — So twitch'd a little, at his waistband, out, To make the Party think, beyond a doubt, He really had a shirt upon his back. TWO PARSONS, &C. 149 The Squire and all his Friends, at length, appeared ; Ozias, who, when by himself, had swagger'd, Was stagger'd ; Yet, welcome'd by the Squire, was somewhat cheerM : But, to all polished company unuseM, When to the Gentry he was introduce'd, He, all the while. Was trembling at the knees ; And, trying to assume an air of ease, " GrinnM, horribly, a ghastly smile I" The Wags with starch grimace received the Parson, And carried, with great gravity, the farce on f- They did'nt quiz too much at the beginning ; But all the Ladies of high Ton, and Taste, Titter'd, and turn'd aside, to see his linen Peep out so ostentatious, near his waist 150 POETICAL VAGARIES. J Tvvould be most tedious to describe The common-place of this facetious tribe, These wooden Wits, these Quizzers, Queerer*, Smokers, These practical, nothing-so-easy Jokers ; Pert, barbarous Insolents, who think it fine, And clever, to insult a poor Divine; Who talk with fluency mere pun, and jingle; But it is necessary, by the by, To state, that, in the Company, There was the Reverend Obadiah Pringle. He was the Chaplain to a Lord, Who sat among the guests at table ; But there was nothing which my Lord abhorr'd So much as preaching; — so the Chaplain, sure, Had got a sinecure ; — Not so ; — he regulated my Lord's Stable ; TWO PARSONS, &C. 151 Drank with my Lord, — the Irish Lord O'Grady, — And was the Toady of my Lord's kept Lady. Enough ; — Readers will be content To hear that dinner pass'd ; — when Ladies went, Then, in a brimmer, Mother Church was toasted : With jokes, and winks, Doubles entendres, nods, and blinks, And Parson Polyglot was nicely roasted : But meek Ozias was not hoax'd alone, — Some jibes at Parson Pringle, too, were thrown. At length, 'twas time that Polyglot should go ; And, did he? — that he didn't; — no, — It had been, all the day, most sultry weather, And now it thunder'd, and it lighten'd ; The Ladies of high Ton were vastly frighten'd ; — They vow'd that Heaven and Earth would come to- gether. Ip2 POETICAL VAGARIES. It rain'd (as people term it) Cats and Dogs, — Delighting much the fishes, ducks, and frogs. There was no choice ; — The general voice Proclaimed Ozias could not stir; To which Ozias, knowing that his way- Lay, in a stormy night, through mud and clay, Said nothing in the shape of a demur. But how to stow him was the question : The House was cramm'd, With married visitors, and single ; The question then was brought to this digestion,— That Parson Polyglot must, now, be ramm'd Into a garret bed with Parson Pringle. Twas settleM ; — but Ozias, in his sleeve, (Not in his shirt- sleeve) felt extremely hurt TWO PARSONS, &C. 153 To think bis brother Parson migbt perceive A Clergyman without one bit of shirt. And, then, on t'other side, The Chaplain had his sentiments to hide : The Reverend Mr. Pringle relished not Into a garret, first, to creep with, And, then, (if sleep could close his eyes) to sleep with The Reverend Ozias Polyglot. " Well, men must yield to the decrees of Fate !'* Grumble'd the Chaplain, in a tone emphatick ; And, as it now was getting very late,. The brace of Parsons mounted to the Attick. To pull his clothes off, Polyglot Behind the bed-curtain had got, 154 POETICAL VAGARIES. Shirking, and dodging From his Co-Partner, in their lofty lodging ; And, when undress'd, he stood there quite forlorn : He watch'd till Pringle turn'd away his head, Then took a sudden flying leap to bed, Stark naked as he was when he was born ! Scrambling the sheets and blankets round his shoul- ders, He was secure, he thought, from all beholders ; But, to put matters out of doubt, He said to Pringle, " When you are undrest," " I'll thank you, Sir, before you go to rest," ■* To turn the Candle down, or blow it out." " Nay, there you must excuse me," Pringle cried ; " These thirty years, I have n't slept one night" " Without a lamp, or any sort of light;" — " 'Twill burn quite safe, Sir, by the chimney side." TWO PARSONS, &C. 155 The Chaplain left the light to blaze ; — Getting to bed, the clothes aside be kick'd ; When, what could paint his horror and amaze, To see Ozias bare as any Pict ! " Bless us !" he groan'd, his feelings vastly hurt, " Sir, do you always sleep without your Shirt ?" Says Polyglot, — 'twas said quite coolly too, — " Certainly, Mr. Pr ingle ; — pray, don't you f*