Imprint. An I. Sr.ni,- 1. THE MINOR DRAMA No. VI. USED UP. A PETIT COMEDY IN TWO ACTS. TRANSLATED FROM THE FRENCH OF " l' HO.MME BLASe' BY CHARLES "maTHEWS. WITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST OF CHARACTERS RELATIVE POSITIONS, ETC. NEW YORK: JOHN DOUGLAS, No. 11 SPRUCE STREET. AMD FOR SALE BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. 1848. EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. The present (and only published) edition of the petit comedy of " Used Up," is an excellent adaptation from the French of ''L' Homme Blase," by Charles Mathews, Esq., having been translated by that gentleman as weU on account of its intrinsic merit, as for its pecuhar fitness to his abilities for representing the hero of the piece. Sir Charles Coldstream. It is needless to say, that he acted it to the very life. The character of Sir Charles, excepting that as a matter of course it is somewhat exaggerated, is truthfully and beautifully drawn. The utter ennui of a man, who, having no definite end in view but to kill time, has exhausted every source of pleasure and excitement ; his mental inanity ; his apparent physical im- becility, notwithstanding that on excitement he proves himself to be no unworthy boaster of being the favourite pupil of the ve- teran pugiHst, Cribb ; the voraciousness of his appetite in the second act, when he is compelled to assume the appearance and functions of a plough-boy— are all depicted by the hand of a master. The part of Ironbrace, also, is very etTective ; whilst that of Mary pourtrays some of the finest qualities that belong to her sex. This piece was first produced in New York at the Olympic Theatre in October, 1846. Mr. Walcot, as Sir Charles, was, in the first act, in his element— Mathews himself could have de- sired nothing better ; whilst Nickinson, as Ironbrace, presented a portraiture of exceeding graphic accuracy. " Used Up" can scarcely fail to be one of our most popular afterpieces, now that it has been placed in the hands of the pub- lic. For the opportunity to do this, we have to acknowledge our obligations to Mr. Mitchell, to whose kindness we are in- debted for the MS. from which this edition is printed. CAST OF CHARACTERS. Sir Charles Coldstream, Bart. Mr. C. Mathewt. Mr. Walcot. Sir Adonis Leech " Tilbury. " Conover. " Brindal. " Clark. Honourable Tom Sa-v-iUe - ■Wurzel, a Farmer - " Bland. " Eyerard. John Ironbrace, a Blacksmith " Howe. " Nickinson Fennel, a Lavryer - " Gough. " Levere. " Clark. " Bleecker. James ... Lady Clutterbuck - Mrs. Humby. Mrs.H.Isherwood. Mary Wurzel . Miss J. Bennett. Miss Roberts. The Costumes are those of the present day. Ironbrace should wear a leather apron, and have his shirt sleeves rolled up. Time of representation, 1 hour and 10 minutes. EXITS AND ENTRANCES. R. meanB Right ; 1.. Left; R. D. Right Door ; h. D. Left Door ; S. B. Second Entrance; V. E. Upper Entrance; M. D. Middle Door RELATIVE POSITIONS. R., means Right; L., Left; C, Centre; R. C, Right of Centre; L. C, Left of Centre. USED UP. ACT I. Scene I. — A Saloon in Sir Charles Coldstream's House, at KIngston-upon-Thamcs — Window, L. s. E. — Door leading to Lawn, R. 3d E., — door L. 3d E. — Folding doors, c. Sofa, r., Ornamental Table, Sfc. Enter James, c^ and Ironbrace, Jrom h. James. Oh, Ironbrace, you are come ! Iron. Yes, Master James ; what's the job ? James. You see that window 1 Iron. It's big enough. James. It looks out upon the river, and that's where the balcony's to be. Iron. [Looks out.] Ah, I see; the water flows up to the very wall. James. This is the deepest spot in the Thames, herea- bouts, of any near Kingston — I wonder no balcony has been put up before ; I am sure, whenever I am obliged to open that window, (for it is Sir Charles's favourite smoking spot) — I get so giddy ; — and as there's nothing there but a bar of wood — oh, if anybody should — oh ! Iron. I suppose, then, he sent for me to put up a balco- ny on your account. James. Principally, I think, for he said he rather liked it himself — it was an excitement. Iron. A what 1 James. An excitement — a sensation. Iron. I don't understand. James. Of course not : how should you, you ignoramus 1 — he's always sighing for what he calls excitement — you see every thing is old to him — he's used up, — nothing amuses him — he can't feel. 6 USED UP. [AcTl. Iron. Can't he ? I wish I had him on my anvil for five minutes. James. But he values my health, respects my feelings ; Indeed, I am more his confidant, than his valet. SaviUe. [ Withiji.] James, you scoundrel ! Iron. Scoundrel ! does he mean you ] James. Ahem ! — no, that's Mr. Saville's voice. Sir Charles, you see, is lunching within, with a few friends, and amongst friends, you know — Leech. [Putting his head out, c^ James, you rascal, if you don't bring that claret, I'll pitch you out of that win- dow ! [Retires. Iron. Very free and easy ! why don't you return the joke, and fling the tongs at .him ] James. This completes the first dozen. [Opens c. d. and discovers Sir Chas., Leech, and Saville, at table. Sir C. James, bring in the pates de foie gras, which ar- rived from France last week. Leech. I rise to propose an amendment. All. Hear ! hear ! Leech. That after the words, " bring in the pate de foie gras," shall be added, " and another case of champaigne." All. Ah ! ah ! hear, hear ! Sir C. With all my heart. — ^James, champaigne ! [ The doors are closed. Iron. Happy set of devils, those rich fellows are ; they eat one half their money, drink the other half, and give the rest to the poor. That's the trade I should like, only I havn't got the right tools to follow it. Enter Marv, l. Mary. No one here 1 — oh, Mr. Ironbrace, is that you ? Iron. What, little Mary, niece of old Fanner Wurzel, of Copse Hill, — how dost do, lass \ how's your worthy uncle ] he's an old friend of mine. I suppose you have come here to Sir Charles to pay your uncle's rent, eh ? Mary. No — my mother was' his nurse, and was very fond of him, — indeed, Sir Charles and me used to play together, in this very room, some years ago ; but I sup- pose he has forgotten me by this time. Iron. Very likely, or grown ashamed of you, perhaps. Mary. No, no, for he is too generous and kind for that. ScErnil.] USED UP. V When he heard my mother was ill, (for the Steward wrote him word of it) — though he was somewhere abroad, I don't know where, but very far away, he sent to her to say, that she should have whatever she wanted — she bor- rowed c£20,— ah !— [S/^//«.] Then she died ! Iron. Did she require £20 to die with ? Mary. No, it was to pay the doctor's bill. Iron. Ob, I see : he got <£20 for the killing of her. Mary. I have made up the sum by shillings and six- pences, and have brought it here to pay him. Iron. Come, that's honest, however ! Mary. Besides, I have been educated at his expense, because I was his foster-sister. I can read, and write, and love music, and — Iron. And therefore, of course, hate churning, and washing, and darning, and — Mary. No, no, 1 love them, for 'twas by such means I made up this sum to pay him back again. It's a great blessing to be quick at one's needle, Mr. Ironbrace. Iron. Is it ? — I can't say — I never worked at it, but I have often heard talk abour it, — much too often. And now you live with your uncle, eh ? Mary. Yes : he's sometimes a little cross, but vei-y good to me. Iron. Ah ! I wish I had met you, Mary, about a twelve- month ago, I should now have been a man of substance, instead of the poor devil you see me. Mary. Indeed ! Iron. Yes, I should have maiTied you, instead of ruin- ing myself for one who — no matter. Ah, Mary, I have had a severe trial ; I have had a blow I shall never reco- ver, — a blow that would have felled an ox ; but I was rock — 1 survived it ! Mary. A blow ! Iron. Ay, a blow ! not from a man ; no, no, I flatter my- self no man dare try that game with John Ironbrace ! no, 'twas a woman who dealt it me. Mary. A woman ! Iron. Yes, she was a milliner, in a great house in Pic cadilly ; at that time I had a good Iron Foundry in Dru ry Lane ; till one fatal night I met her at a ball — Mary. Oh ! a ball ! 8 USED UP. [Act I. Iron. Yes, at White Conduit Gardens ; and before I had looked twice at her, her eyes made two holes in my heart as clean as a punch. For eight months I courted her ; till at last, 'twas agreed we should be welded. Mary. Wedded, you mean. Iron. It's welded, in my trade — when, after spending a honeymoon of three months, the very first time I had oc- casion to leave town, hang me, if she didn't run away ! Mary. And didn't you follow her 1 Iron. Ah, I wish 1 hadn't, for I neglected my business to hunt every comer in London for her — though I might as well have looked for a needle in a bottle of hay ; till at last 1 was lodged in the list of bankrupts, and here I am a poor blacksmith, instead of a master founder. But only — [Clenches his Jist,\ let me catch the fellow who has played me false ! — Mary. Why agitate yourself any more about a woman who did not love you 1 Iron. Not love me 1 she doated on me ! Mary. And yet she left you 1 Iron. She didn't — 1 won't believe it — she must have been carried oft' — she's a prisoner somewhere now ! Mary. D'ye think so 1 Iron. I am sure of it. [Gets gradually enraged.] There's some scoundrel at the bottom of it all ! I don't know who he is, nor what's his name ; but if ever I clap my fist upon him, hammer and tongs ! but he shall remember it! Mary. Oh, Mr. Ironbrace, you should not be so pas- Iron. I'm not passionate! I'm quite cool! — But only let me get one thump at him ! Mary. Mr. Ironbrace ! Iron. He shall take it for the kick of a young horse ; he shall say — Mary. Oh I— Iron. Stand out of my way — ^no ! [ beg pardon, not you, Mary — did I frighten you ] — you have nothing to di> with it — no, no, it isn't you — Mary. You should'nt go on so, Mr. Ironbrace. Iron. [ Violently.] I can't help it, it's my nature I ScElfEl.] USED UP. » Rb-enter James, c. James. Sir Charles is coining — Ironbrace, you must postpone your job for an hour or so. Mary. But 1 want to see him. James. You ! — what an idea ! — run away with y(m, di- rectly ! Mary, But where am I to gol James. Where you like, only you can't stay here ; go to the kitchen, or to the garden, or any place you can find, so that you go out of this. Mary. I won't go till I have seen him, that I am de- termined. Iron. That's right, lass ; I like your spirit. Come, we'll go together, and I'll tell you all my sorrows over again, — [Takes her arm,] it does me good to unload my heart to you; it eases me: and one day I shall fall in with that scoundrel — and then, hammer and tongs ! Mary. Oh, you hurt my arm ! Iron. Oh, 1 beg pardon : I fancied I had hold of him. [Exeunt, R. u. E. Enter Sir Charles, Sir A. Leech, Hon. Tom Saville, c. all laughing except Sir Charles. Sav. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Come, Leech, confess. Sir C. James, cigars in the billiard room. — [ To guests^ We'll join you directly. Come, Leech, your confession. Leech. With all my heart. I don't care, why should I % she was more than a match for me, and I own it. She was the wife of an ironmonger, or some vulgar thing of the sort — she caught my fancy one day in Long Acre, and my valet, who manages these matters for me, found out her abode, watched the husband out of town, and then hastening to the wife, with the news of his sudden death, the bait took, and she followed him to the spot where the accident was said to have occurred. Sav. Where, instead of the husband, she found — Leech. Me ! — popped her into a carriage and four, and galloped off with her. Sat: Bravo! Victory! Leech. Not at all : she was in my house above a month, and although she believed her husband dead and buried too at my expense, she would not listen to me as a lover. 10 USED UP. lAcTl. but asked me if my intentions were honourable — ha ! ha! ha! Sav. Ho ! ho! ho ! Lcec/i. But you don't laugh, Coldstream I come, man, be amused for once in your life — you don't laugh. Sir C. Oh, yes, I do, 7)ian cher. — You mistake, 1 laugh- ed twice distinctly — only the fact is, 1 am bored to death. Leech. Bored 1 what ! after such a dejeuner as that you have given us 1 Look at me, I'm inspired — I'm in the seventh heaven of delight ! Sav. You drank more champaigne than any of us, and yet you are as dull as a funeral — you are not elated by it. Sir C. Not the least in the world : why should 1 1 I've drank so much of it in my time — I know it by heart — there's nothing in it. Leecfi. Nothing in it ! every thing's in it — I'm a King at this moment, and all the world is at my feet. Sir C. My dear Leech, you began life late — you are a young fellow — forty-five — and have the world yet before you — I started at thirteen, lived quick, and exhausted the whole round of pleasure before I was thirty. I've tried every thing, heard every thing, done every thing, know every thing, and here I am, a man at thirty-three, literally used up — completely Haze. Leech. Nonsense, man! — used up, indeed! — with your wealth, with your little heaven in Spring Gardens, and your paradise here at Kingston-upon-'Thames, — Sav. With twenty estates in the sunniest spots in En- gland. Leech. Not to mention that Utopia, within four walls, in the Rue de Provence, in Paris. Oh, the nights we've spent there— eh, Tom 1 Sav. Ah ! Sir C. I'm dead with ennui. Leech. Ennui ! do you hear him, Tom ? poor Croesus I Sir C. Croesus ! — no, I'm no Croesus. My father — you've seen his portrait, good old fellow — he certainly did leave me a little matter of =€12,000 a year, but after all— Leech. Sf Sav. Oh, come ! — Sir C. Oh, I don't complain of it. Leech. I should think not. . , Sc£SE I.] 11 Sir C. Oh, no, there are some people who can mange to do on less — on credit. licecli. I know several — Sav. My dear Coldstream, you should try change of scene. Sir C. 1 have tried it — what's the use ] Leech. But I'd gallop all over Europe. Sir C. I have — there's nothing in it. Leech. Nothing in all Europe! Sir C. Nothing — oh, dear, yes ! I remember, at one time I did somehow go about, a good deal. Sav. You should go to Switzerland. Sir C. I have been — nothing there — people say so much about every thing — there certainly were a few gla- ciers, some monks, and large dogs, and thick ankles, and bad wine, and Mont Blanc; yes, and there was ice on the top too ; but I prefer the ice at Gunter's — less trouble, and more in it. Leech. Then if Switzerland would'nt do, I'd try Italy. Sir C. My dear Leech, I've tried it over and over again, and what then 1 Sav. Did not Rome inspire you] Sir C. [Crosses to c.J Oh, believe me, Tom, a most hor- rible hole ! People talk so much about these things— there's the Colosseum, now — round, very round, a goodish ruin enough, but I was disappointed with it ; Capitol — tolerable hisjh ; and St. Peter's — marble, and mosaics, and fountains, dome certainly not badly scooped, but there was nothing in it. Leech. Come, Coldstream, you must admit we have no- thing like St. Peter's in London. Sir C. No, because we dont want it ; but if we wanted such a thing, of course we should have it. A dozen gen- tlemen meet, pass resolutions, institute, and in twelve months it would be run up ; nay, if that were all, we'd buy St. Peter's itself, and have it sent over. Leech. Ha, ha ! well said, you're quite right. Sav. What say you to beautiful Naples ? Leech. Ay, La Belle Napoli 1 Sir C. Not bad, — excellent water melons, and goodish opera ; they took me up Vesuvius — a horrid bore ; it emoked a good deal, certainly, but altogether a wretched 12 USED UP. [Act I. mountain ; — saw the crater — looked down, but there was nothing in it. Sav. But the bay ? Sir C. Inferior to Dublin. Leech. The Campagna. Sir C. A swamp ! Sav. Greece 1 Sir C. A morass! Leech. Athens 1 \ Sir C. A bad Edinburgh! Sav. Egypt 1 Sir C. A desert! Leech. The Pyramids'? Sir C. Humbugs ! — nothing in any of them ! Have done — you bore me. Leech. But you enjoyed the hours we spent in Paris, at any rate ] Sir C. No ; the danseuse was too approachable, and my friend's wife gave me too much trouble. I was dy- ing for excitement gambling gave me none, and wo- man no longer interested me. In fact, I've no appetite, no thirst ; every thing wearies me — no, they fatigue me. Leech. Fatigue you ! — I should think not, indeed ; you are as strong as a lion. Sir C. But as quiet as a lamb — that was Tom Cribb's character of me : you know I was a favourite pupil of his. I swear I'd give a thousand pounds for any event that would make my pulse beat ten to the minute faster. — Is it possible, that between you both you cannot invent some- thing that would make my blood boil in my veins, — my hair stand on end — my heart beat — my pulse rise — that would produce an excitement — an emotion — a sensation — a palpitation — but, no ! — Leech. I've an idea ! Sir a You? Sav. What is It 1 Leech. Marry ! Sir C. Hum ! — well, not bad, there's novelty about the notion ; it never did strike me to — oh, but, no : I should be bored with the exertion of choosing — if a wife now could be had like a dinner — for ordering. Leech. She can, by you — take the first woman that comos : on my life, she'll not refuse =£12,000 a-year. Scene I.] USED UP. ]3 Sir C. Come, I don't dislike the project ; I almost feel something like a sensation coming. I haven't felt so exci- ted for some time : it's a novel enjoyment — a surprise ! I'll try it. Enter J.\mes, l. Jatnes. Lady Clutterbuck, Sir Charles, to wait upon you. AU. Ha ! ha ! now's your time. Sir C. Clutterbuck ! — who's that ? James. Our neighbour, sir. Sir C. Is she a widow ? James. I don't know, sir. Sir C. If she's a widow, shew her up ; if she has a husband, shew her out. Well, sir, why do you hesitate ? James. Beg pardon, sir, but I never knew you object to a husband before. Sir C. Begone. [Exit James, l. Sav. Why, you don't mean to say — Sir C. I do, so away with you. Leech. Quite right— the letter of the law— the first that comes — success to Clutterbuck ! Sir a Away with you, then! [Exeunt Leech and Sa- ville, R., laughing and closing door after them. Enter James, l. James. Lady Clutterbuck. [Exit, l. Enter Lady Clutterbuck, l. Sir C. She is a widow, then. Ladi/ C. Sir Charles Coldstream, I presume. I have not the pleasure of knowing you, and I believe you have not the ljTi:;.)u:- of knowing me. Sir C. [Aside.] A good he ginnm g.— [Aloud.] May I take the liberty of inquiring, madam — but pardon me — first, I believe, you are a widow 1 Lady C. Yes, sir. — [Aside.] How very odd ! Sir C. Then permit me to offer you a cha.ir.— [Aside.] I can't propose so abruptly. [Thei/ sit. Lady C. Sir Charles, we will proceed to business. Sir C. [Feeling his j'ulse.] No sensation as yet, my pulse is calm ! Lady C. I ventured to intrude upon your generosity, j^ USED UP. ^ rAcTl. Sir Charles, in favour of our infant school ;-the girls are eadly in wakt of blue mittens, and the boys of corderoy- a_J_corderoys-any subscription most gratefully ac- knowledged in the Morning Post . Sir C [With Ms hand on his pulse.] No, not the slight- ^^^LadT'a I beg you won't say that, Sir Charles. Sir C. Might I ask, madam— we are neighbours, I be- ^'^lX C. My house is close to yours-a mere cottage, but I remain there with pleasure, as it was there I lost my poor husband. , Sir C I understand— the pleasures of memory ;— and have we bachelors suffered for any length of time the dis- grace of your widowhood ? sfc. i say,' madam, is it long that you have enjoyed your misfortune 1 . Lady C. Oh, a considerable period. Sir C A good match, the lamented Clutterbuck 1 Lady C. Ah— h, sir, I have been wedded twice. Sir C. The devil ! ^ . Lady a My first, poor Ironbrace, wooed me from a flourishing business in town. Sir C. Musical ? . r j » Lady C. No, millinery ; he was an ironfounder,— not handsome, but — Sir C. Good ^ , , . /r Lady a No, sir, wealthy; while I had nothing to offer him, as dowry, but my virtue. Sir G. Ah ! little enough ! Ladu C. Sir ! . , . * i • Sir C I simply remarked, that in this money-making a C. Lady Clutterbuck, do you remember the comet of 1811] Lady C. The comet ] Sir C. You cannot be old enough, — don't answer, per- haps the question is indelicate ;— but if that comet still existed, we should be precisely of the same age. Lady C. You and I, Sir Charles? Sir C. No, madam; I and the comet. \Lady C. counts her fingers, — I am thirty-three, madam. Lady C. Is this what you called me back to "lell me. Sir Charles ? Sir C. It was, madam. Lady C. Oh ! Sir C. Madam, I am by nature melancholy. Lady C. You 1 — why you have been saying all manner of funny things to me, this half hour. C. You are mistaken : they were melancholy truths, positively. Why, 'twas only last week I made ipy will, left all my property amongst some friends, who are now on a visit here, before I carried out a fancy I had enter- tained for some time, of hanging myself on a tree. Lady C. Hanging yourself on a tree ! Sir C. Or throwing myself into the river : I've a win- dow here convenient — the water flows to the wall. Scene I.] USED UP. 17 Lady C. Oh, you are joking ! Sir C. But since I have seen you my mind is chanMd: I have taken up another fancy, one in which you can as- sist me. Ladi/ 0. [Aside.] What does he mean 1 — me ! Sir C. You ! listen : I have a house in town — estates in the three kingdoms, and one for a freak in the Isle of Man — I've a shooting box on the banks of the Mississip- pi ; three carriages — a — with horses — 6612,000 a-year, and I offer you my hand. Lady C. Your hand to me ! Sir C. I am, as I have told you, only thirty-three ; and according to the highest female authorities, this cannot be designated a'paw — [Holds out his hand,\ — will you accept iti Lady C. Sir Charles, you amaze me ! is this intended for a declaration of love 1 Sir C. Quite the contrary — it is a proposal of marriage. Lady C. But— Sir C. Excuse me, I have had so much love-making in my time, I am sick of it — there's nothing in it — the same thing over and over again — I prefer coming to the point "t once : will you have me ? — if you accept me, you will do me a favour, and I shall be able to say, 1 have a charm- ing wife ; if you refuse me, it will be precisely the — I shall then simply say, I have a charming neighbour. — Turn it over in your mind, my dear lady — excuse my me- mory — give it your serious reflection ; and pray don't al- low my violent arguments to alarm you into matrimony. Enter Mary at iack, R. Mary. There he is. Sir C. Who's that 1 Mary. 'Tis I, Sir Charles — Maiy Wurzel, — you remem- ber little Mary 1 Sir C. [ Crosses to her.] Perfectly : you were my college bedmaker. Mary. No — do you forget twelve years ago 1 Sir C. Twelve years ago — forget ! — is there any human being can remember twelve years ago ? — the exertion must be Herculean — my dear, do you think my brain a Parish Register, or the minutes of the House of Lords 18 USED UP. [Act I. Lady C. Go, child, don't you see Sir Charles is busy at thig moment 1 Blary. [Aside.] He forgets me — Ironbrace was right — I came, sir, to pay a debt. Sir C. A debt ! that was twelve years ago, I suppose — don't remember it. Good morning. Mart/. But my mother, sir — Sir C. Give her my regards, and say I'm engaged— [To Lady C] In ten minutes I will return to know if I am to be, or not to be— whether husband, or neighbour'? Lady C. Ten minutes ! — that's sudden. Sir C. Twelve, if you like — oh, take your own time, I entreat ; don't hurry on my account. Mary. What does he say 1 [He goes up', humming an air, suddenly slops and returns. Sir C. Lady Clutterbuck — with horses ! [Exit, c. Mary. Pray, madam, might I pay this money to you, on Sir Charles's account 1 Lady C. In a few days you may — we are not married yet. Mary. Married ! and to you 1 Lady C. Can you oppose any objection, moral, phy- sical, or legal. Mary. [Aside.] Dear me, what a strange eftect this news has upon me ; and yet it is quite natural he should many, of course. I ought to rejoice, but I did not expect to find him so changed— how I have thought of him, ay, every day, and he could not even remember me — thought I was his college bed-maker ! Lady C. [Aloud, but to herself.] Hum !— of course I shall accept him, he's handsome — Mary. Oh, very — I hope, madam, you will take great care of him ; he's very melancholy sometimes, and then you must be sure and — Lady C. Heyday, child ! — are you going to instruct me how to take care of a husband ■?— what is your business here ] Enter Sir A. Leech, r. Leech. Where is Sir Charles 1 Lady C. Sir Adonis Leech ! Leech. Mrs. Ironbrace, by all that's cruel I Mary. Ironbrace ! ScEKEl.] USED UP. 19 Lre.cTi. Have you forgiven me yet i [They talk apart. Mary. [Aside.] Ironbrace ! — it must be his wife, going to many my foster-brother ! — I'll run down and ask him if that's proper. I'm sure he won't allow it. [Exit, R. u. E. Leech. And you are going to marry him 1 Lady C. What can 1 do 1 Leech, [^side.] I wonder if Ironbrace is still alive — no matter : if he turns up, it will make a splendid paragi-aph for the Post — [Aloud.] "Where is the victim 1 Lady C. He retired to that room, to relieve his anxiety during my deliberation. Leech. Egad, we'll acquaint him vdth his good fortune. Lady C. No, not yet. Leech. Relieve his sufferings — [Throws open c. door, Sir Charles is discovered asleep. Lady C. Asleep ! tlli wretch ! Leech. Ha ! ha ! Lady C. Leave us ! Leech. He's dreaming of you ! — [Sings.] " Oh, there's nothing half so sweet in life as Love's young dream." [E.Tit, R. Lady C. I'll awake him — hem ! Sir Charles ! [Shakes chair. Sir C. [Starting.] 'Eh — what — oh, is it you, my dear madam 1 — you destroyed the most delicious dream — 1 was dreaming of you. Lady^C. Oh! iS(> C. Yes, I dreamt that you refused me. Lady C. But dreams go by contraries, you know, Sir Charles. Sir C. Alas, yes. Lady C. What ! Sir C. I meant, it was agitating — I was wretched ! — but still it was something to be that — it was a sign of ex- istence. Ladtj C. Yes, Sir Charles, I awoke you, to say — Sir C. What ] Lady C. That the ten minutes are past. Sir C. What ten minutes 1 — eh — oh — ah — beg pardon; of course, I remember my proposal. Lady C. 1 have considered, and — 20 USED UP [Act I Sir C. You refuse me — well — [ Walks to sofa and throws himself upon it. Lady C. I accept. Sir C. Aha, good ! — [Puts up his legs. Lady C. That surprises you, I believe. Sir C. Not in the least. We'll fix the happy day aa Boon as you please. yTakes out a cigar case. Lady C. Is that all the effect it produces upon you, Sir Charles ] - C. My good friend, will you allow me to inquire who is the individual you propose to flatten in so agree- able a manner. Iron. You ! hammer and tongs ! Sii- C. Me ! — hammer and tongs ! Iron. As for you, degraded woman, I despise, and leave you to your conscience — but for you, villain ! — [Seizes Sir C^iarles, and drags him off sofa] — we will settle our ac- counts another way. Ijndy C. Oh, mercy on me ! S:ir C. Don't, I be^ — Per Bacco, this is becoming deci- dedly exciting ! [Feels his pulse.] An unquestionable pul- sation ! This is what I wanted — yes, my heart beats fast — hem ! — I think yon will leave this room. Iron. I'll give you the finest drubbing you ever got. Lady C. I shall faint. Sir C. Pray don't, till I polish off your friend, I en- treat. — [To Ironbrace.] Leave the room, or I must force you out. Iron. Force me ! Sir C. Leave the room, I say, by the door, or I'll throw you out of the window. Iron. Ha ! you ! — I should like to se-y you do it. Sir C. Would you 1 you shall — this is the first little bit of excitement I've had for a very long time. Iron. I've been waiting above a twelvemonth for this. Sir C. [Sparring.] This is about the thing, I believe. Iron. Oho! a bruiser! then here's Cornwall for you — here's a pair of pincers at your service. Sir C. I regret that I have only a pair of tweezers to offer you in return, but you are welcome.— [To Lady C] Do me the favour — [Gives his watch to Lady C] Thank y )u, will you excuse me for a moment ? — [Leads her to c] I can't fight before ladies— 1 will be with you immediate- ly — [Locks her in c.J Now, sir, since you will have it. [They engage. Iron. Oh I his grip is like a vice ! Sir C. I could choke you, if I liked, but let us prolong the fun. Iron. Damme — I've caught a Tartar ! [By this time they have wheeled up to the window, l. Lady C. [ Within, ringing bell.] Help ! help ! 22 [Irotibfocc and Sit C. disappear through the windou a loud crash heard. Enter James, l. and Mary, r. — Leech ruslies in from door R., Saville unlocks c. d., and lets out Lady C. All. [But Lady C] What has happened ? Mary. Where is Sir Charles 1 ( -pg^^fj^^j. James. And the blacksmith ? ) ° ' Lady C. Oh ! I don't know — out of the window ! James. Then they are drowned. [Lady C. faints, a?td falls into a chair. Mary falls Ifeless — general confusion. — Tableau. END OF ACT I. ACT II. Scene I. — The Interior of Wurzel's Farm House — Ba- lustrade across, with Stairs leading to it, r. — Doors lead- ing to Balustrade — doors at the back — door l. — Table and cltairs of a rustic pattern. WuRZEL discovered seated at a table, writing, with a large register. Wur. Joe ! Joe ! where can that stupid dolt be ? — Mary ! Mary. [Appearing from a door above, on the balustrade, and looks over.] Yes, uncle. Wur. What are you doing up there ? Mary. I am ironing, uncle. Wur. A very pretty fellow that Joe is ; here he has been gone above two hours. Mary. He will be back directly, uncle ; I am looking down the lane for him. Wur. If you had not told me that Sir Charles had re- commended him, I should have turned the lazy dog out a week ago. Mary. Why, uncle, you know he "brought you a letter from Sir Charles himself, which I saw the poor gentleman write on the day of that dreadful accident, three weeks ago. Wur. A dreadful accident, indeed ! I hope it was an accident : people don't think so. It's very lucky, I think, that Sir Charles was drowned, as well as poor Ironbrace. — Baronet, as he was, he might have been hanged for the murder. Mary. Oh, I'm sure, uncle, poor Sir Charles never meant to drown him, but the night was so dark, and there was such a fog on the river, is was impossible to give any assistance. Wur. Well, they haven't found either of them yet, though they've been dragging the river daily ; but when they do, there'll be a crowner's quest on them, and then you'll see if they don't bring in a verdict of wilful murder against Sir Charles, that's all. Mary. What, though he's drowned, too ? Wur. To be sure. Justice is blind, you know, she's not to know whether he's drowned or not, and Mrs. Ironbrace, or Lady Clutterbuck, or whatever she calls herself, swears she heard Sir Charles say, he would fling the blacksmith out of ihe window — that shows the malice aforethought — Oh, I k;iow the law ! Mary. Well, but uncle — 1 Vur. Don't tell me — go, watch for Joe, and finish your ironing. yExit Mary, l. Enter Ironbrace, c. — rusJies to Wurzel, and throws him- self into his arms. Iron. Save me, my dear friend, save me ! Wur. Ironbrace ! not drowned I Iron. No. Wur. And Sir Charles 1 Iron. Food for the fishes. Wur. Ha ! he is dead, then ! Iron. I'm a wretch, farmer ; but I didn't mean it — it was more his fault than mine, after all. I've been wandering, about the country ever since, an outcast ; I dare not return home, the police would be after me — save me. Wur. What can I do for you ? Iron. Hide me somewhere, that's all I ask, till the body's . found, and the verdict made public. Wur. What, here, on Sir Charles's own farm 1 Iron. This his farm 1 24 USED UP. [Act II. Wur. Yes ; and his heirs and executors are coming here this very day, to take possession of the estate. Iron. What then ? — they won't carry it away 1 Wur. Well, my poor fellow, I'll tell you what I'll do for you — hush — [Goes to a trap-door, c, and lifts it up.] what do you say to that ? you'll be snug enough there. Iron. What, in that black hole 1 Wur. I choose it, for this reason : this farm was the Manor House of the estate, and in old times these secret recesses were made for the purpose of concealing the Ja- cobite people, so they say — and the nook is only known to me, now old Sir Arthur Coldstream is dead. Iron. But as I'm not a Jacobite, I'd rather — Wur. Well, well, let me see — you can hide here in the wood-room, for the present. [Points to l. u. e. Mary. [Opening the door above.] Uncle! uncle! here's Joe, uncle. Wur. In with you — hide behind the brambles. Iron. I'll warrant you, I'll creep into a rat-hole, if ne- cessary. [Exit at door in flat, t. Mary. Here's Joe, uncle — here's Joe. [She comes down and opens door, c. Enter Sir Charles, in the dress of a Plough-Boy. He ad- vances leisurely, as if weary, and flings himself on a chair, l. Sir C. Phew ! Wur. Why, you impudent dog I is that th way you sit down before your master ] Sir C. No, no, it isn't that — only — oh. Lord, I'm tired to death ! Wur. A pretty plough-boy, indeed ! — tired to death with a few yards. Sir C. What do you mean by a few yards?— half way to London and back, that's all — twelve miles, I'll bet a hundred ! Wur. Bet a hundred ! — a hundred what — peas 1 He talks like a gentleman ! Damn me, if he could open his mouth wider, if he were landlord of the whole estate. Sir C. You're quite right — Mary, my dear, bring me a basin of soup. Wur, Not a spoonful — go about your business. Scene I.] USED UP. 26 Sir C. Well, but damn it !— Mart/. Hush ! Wur. What's that you say ] Sir C. Nothing, master. Wur. ]f you had been home at a proper time, you would have had dinner — bacon and cabbage ; — but it's all gone. Mary. \ Aside.] I've put you a slice by. Sir C. You're an angel ! — I'm famished — I've had no- thing but a bit of brown bread and an onion, all the morn- ing. Wur. Well, did you deliver the letter right 1 Sir C. Yes, master. Wur. Then go and put Baldface in the cait, and take that load of hay down to Farmer Beech. Sir C. Yes, master. Wur. And bring back a load of lime for the corner field. Sir C. Yes, master. — [ To Mary.] I suppose I must go, Mary. Yes, Joe. Sir C. I'm nearly done up. Please mayn't I take a lump of bread and cheese to eat, by the road. Wur. Not a crumb, you gluttonous rascal ; get out ! Sir C. That's the way I'm treated. — [Aside.] Mary, dear, crib me a bit, and throw it out of the window, — I'm going, master — oh, quel inexorable condition — sacre lieu I Wur. What outlandish Welsh are you jabbering there, you stupid bumpkin ! Follow me, sloth ; and unless you want to feel the cart whip, be quick. \Exit, c. Sir C Very pleasant, upon my soul ! The respect I meet with from my farmers, is quite delightful ! Mary. I won't be an instant with the soup — I've kept it hot on the copper; it was washing day. — It does my heart good to see you so gay — I won't be a moment ! {Exit, L, Sir C. Gay ! it's quite true, I am gay — it's a melan choly thing to reflect upon, but I certainly am gay, ant yet how can it be ? — I work like a nigger, and yet I'm ai hearty as a buck ! When I was — what I was — tliat is, when I was myself— my table loaded with all the luxuries of the season, I could not eat ; — the most exquisite wines, and yet I could not drink — I was a puny weakling. Now 26 USED UP. [Act II. I drink nothing but spring water, and I drink like a fish ; and as for digestion, it's positively horrible to think how I digest — I must have the stomach of an ostrich. — It's cu- rious — very curious, I haven't a moment to myself, yet I never feel ennui, I'm never bored — I'm never languid ; — I breathe — I live again — I exist ! It's a very curious thing ! Enter Marv, l., with soup. Mary. Here's the soup ! Sir C. Oh, what a thimble-full ! — why, here isn't a pint and a half, I'm sure ! Mary. Yes — but there's the bacon coming. Sir C. And the cabbage — he said there was cabbage. Mary. So there is, but do make haste — excuse me, Sii Charles. Sir C. Hush ! — you forget I'm Joe. Mary. Then, Joe. Sir C. Dear Joe, if you like. Mary. Then, dear Joe ! Sir C. There's a darling ! Mary. When you speak to my uncle, try not to use the language of gentlemen — but be a plough-boy in thought. jS;V C. I am, in appetite. [Eating voraciously. Mary. You see, I stole you a piece of nice white bread ; I made it myself. Oh, I like to see you here so much better than at your fine house. I wish I could render this hard life more agreeable to you. C. 'Tis beautiful ! [Tasting soup. Mary. Can you think sol Sir C. Too much pepper ! Mary. Your life ? Sir C. No, the soup. As for my position, there's but one thing that hangs like a blight over my life : I've des- troyed that of a fellow-creature — that hoiTible blacksmith haunts me like the statue of Don Juan — do you know the opera 1 Mary. No, dear Joe. Sir C. In white marble. Mary. No. Sir C. Mozart's music. — Well, the figure of the wretch- ed blacksmith, he stands between me and rny rest — Hush ! — why, 'twas only two nights ago I heard a noise — looked round — beside me stood — ScESE 1.] USED UP. 27 Mary. Ironbrace ! Sir C. He ! — he uttered a hollow moan ; — I gasped for breath — stooped my head to put out the honid vision, and rushed towards the spectre. M-ary. It was a dream. Sir C. Not at all, for I broke jny head against him or something. Mary. But, after all, you are not guilty — it was only an accident! Sir C. I know it; but my conscience conjures up dreadful things ; — at night, I see figures — hear voices de- nouncing me. Mary. Oh, if I had not paid your steward the ,£20 I owed him, you might have left the country with it. Sir C. I don't want to leave the country ; I am happy here ; besides, Maiy, did you remark yesterday, thai I pressed your hand? Mary. No, I didn't. Sir C. I did — I pressed it. — [Gels up.] Fly the country, indeed ! — no, Mary, I could not leave you. Mary. I have nothing to fear ; they wouldn't hang me for concealing you, would they 1 Sir C. Would you wish me, then, to go 1 Mary. To go — to — no — hut — no — 1 could not— -do not —go, unless, perhaps, you would fly to her you love. Sir C. tier I \oye \ — \Afproaefies her.] Mary, do you know there's something vei-y remarkable going on here 1 Mary. [Looking round.] Where 1 Sir C. No, not there — here ! [Touching his heart. Mary. What is it ? Sir a I'll tell you all- Mary. Hush ! [Mary puts bowl off, i,. Enter Wurzel, c. Wur. Joe, Joe, quick, they are here ! set the place to rights ; — the lawyer is coming, Mr. Fennel, and the gen tlemen. Mary. What gentlemen, uncle J Wur. The heirs and executors ! Sir C. [Aside.] The devil take 'em.— [Aloud.] What heirs-at-law 7 Wur. The heirs of Sir Charles Coldstream, who is head, of course. xa , USED UP. [Act I.. Sir a What ! Wur. What's the matter with that fool ! — don't you know that Sir Charles is dead, blockhead J Sir C. Oh, yes, pooi devil ! Wur. What do you mean, then 1 Sir C. Nothing, master. [Going. Wur. Stop, you idle dog, you are always going when work begins. Mary. [Asidc^ He will be recognized. Sir C. The lettei-s I took, then, this morning — Wur Were to appoint his heirs and executors, here, to divide the property. Sir C. [Aside.] I only wanted that to complete me — I shall have to assist at my own cutting up. Wur. Here they are. Sir C. [Aside.] Will they peneti-ate this disguise t Enter Fennel, Leech, and Savilie, c, Wi(r. Welcome, gentlemen. There, Mary — Joe, you dog, place chairs — make haste, you lazy villain ! Sir C. Yes, master. [He places chairs awkwardly — running against each person, hiding his face. Wur. Idle vagabond ! Sir C. Yes, master. War. And one at the table, for Mr. Fennel, too. [He does so, and goes r.] Excuse this awkward booby — he's -only a clod — has no idea above sheep washing. Fen. Don't mention it. To business, gentlemen. — Ahem ! Gentlemen, Sir Charles Coldstream is dead. All. Hear! hear! Sir a The butchers ! Fen. The law says it ; and, indeed, if he were alive, the law would make him dead, for the law never lies. He would have a bad cause to defend ; — so, although his body has not been found, I believe he may be considered dead to all intents and purposes. All. Dead, decidedly ! Sir C. [Aside.] Dead as a door nail ! — carried, nem. ccm. licech. Every thing's for the best — his temper was per- fectly insupportable ! Sir a [Aside.] Good. Go on ! Sav. Proud as Lucifer! Scene I.] USED IT. 29 Sir C. [AsiiJe.] Beautiful ! Go on ! Leech. Unfit for our society altogether ! Sir C. [Aside.] In that I perfectly coincide. Fen. Gentlemen, this sealed will was found amongst the papers of the defunct. Sir C. \ Aside.] Here present. Fen. The formula is perfect ; after, it then proceeds — " I leave to Sir Adonis Leech, Capitalist — Leech. Ha! Mary. [To Sir C] Capitalist! is he rich, then 1 Sir C. Not a penny — he inhabits the Capital. Fen. " My estates in Scotland. To the Honnurahle. Tlw- mas Savil/e, and the said Adonis Leech, my fstalcs at Wind- tor, to be divided equally between them," — the rest he leaves to his heir-presumptive — a distant relative. Sav. Well, this is the only reasonable act in his H(e. Leech. Except his death — ha ! ha ! Sir C. [Aside.] Damn his impudence ! Sae. He never enjoyed his money. Leech. We did, for him. Sav. He was a great ass ! Sir C. [Aside] 'Pon my soul, this is pleasant ! [ Takes out snuff-box. Sav. Well, Farmer, at what do you value this proper- ty^ . .. IVur. Not much, sir. &ir Charles said to me, Wurzel, my dear fellow — Sir C. [Aside.] The old scoundrel! never saw him in my life, before I came here. IVur. I must reduce your rent. Sir C. What a thumper ! fVur. What's that you say '? Sav. Let us view the estate ; and suppose we begin with this house : come. Farmer, shew us the premises — what's this ? [Goes to the door where Ironbrace is concealed. Wu.r. [Aside.\ The devil! Ironbrace is there ! — [Aloud\ I have not the keys with me, gentlemen — I will find them against you return. There, .Toe, shew these gentlemen over the farm. Sir C. Me ! Mary. Stay here, I'll go with them — this waV, gentle- men. [Exit, L. au L-.SKD UP. [Acr II. Wur. Now to let out tbe Wacksmith. [Exit into wood-hotue, l. f. iSir C. So, these are heirs-apparent ! — very pretty treat- ment towards a poor defunct gentleman, who has left them every thing! It's enough to disgust any man with drowning himself for the rest of his life. But I won't Btand it. — Oh, if I wasn't dead — I'd — stay — ha! — I have it — THE WILL ! — here's a brilliant idea f — [Runs to table and icriies.] So, a codicil on the reverse page — signed — so^now my friends — date — let's see, on what day was I drowned 1 — on the 20th — so — the 19th — ah ! — there ! By the bye, there must be t\vo vritnesses, let me see — Paul Jones and Jack Robinson. Re-enter Wurzel l. d. f., tcith Iroxbk.*ce. Wur. Now to — ha ! Joe ! — [Shuts door on Ironbraee quick?)/,] what do you here 1 Sir C. Me, master ! Wur. You, you dog ! — to work, sirrah, to work ? Sir C. Ah ! I'm going. — [Aside.] Oh, if ever I live to be alive again, I'll double your rent, you old rascal ! [Exit up stairs. — Wurzel opens door, l. r. Wur. Here, Tronbrace, quick J Enter Ironbrace, l. d. f. You must get down into the secret cellars, they will be back in a moment. Iron. It's devilish dark ! — ^you will let me ont again ? Wur. Yes, yes, but haste. Iron. You'll bring me something to eat 1 Wur. Every moment is full of danger — make no noise — quick ! [ jyiei/ I'J'e trap, c, and Ironbrace descends. Iron. I say, that yoang ploughman of yours is after your niece — take roy advice, and — Wur. [Slamming doicn the trap.] They are hens. Enter Fennel, Leech, and Saville^ l. Sav. 1 say it shall be. Leech. Shall ! — Mr. SaviUe, 1 have as much right to that expression as yourself. Sa»\ Then I'll take legal opinion, sir. Scene 1.] UsED UP. 31 Leech. Take what you like, but you don't take more than a just half. Fen. \ Who has been looking over the w'ill.\ Gentlemen, gentlemen, you needn't trouble yourselves to quairel — look here, is it possible I could have overlooked it % All. What! Fen. A codicil, upon the reverse page. All. A codicil ! Fen. Dated the 19th — the day before his death.— \Reads?\ " As 1 may do something desperate to-morrow, I hereby annul all my former bequests, and leave my entire real and personal estates to Mary Wurzel, who I hereby constitute my sole heiress." Wur. My niece! All. [But Fennel] This is a fraud ! ■ Fen. It is in the handwriting of the defunct, and part of the same deed, which made you his legatees. If part is fraud, all is fraud. [ They all look over the will. Enter Mary, l. s. e., wilh a tray bearing wine, ^r. Mary. Allow me, gentlemen, to invite you — here is some fresh cream, and brown bread, and strawberries. Sav. [Aside.] Ha ! a pretty girl ! 1 may regain the fortune. Leech. [Aside.] The heiress ! — I'll try my luck — why not ] — I've lost the legacy, but the girl is attackable — here goes. Fen. [Astde.] I was married last week ! Sav. [To Mary.] I cannot permit one so lovely to seiTe me. Leech. [On (lie other side.] Miss Mary, might I beg a look — a — Mary. What does this mean ? Sav. This is disgusting, Sir Adonis Leech. — Never mind, my dear, allow me — Leech. The nectar must be delicious, w^hich is sci-ved by so charming a Hebe. ' Mary. Nectar ! — Hebe ! — what do you both mean 1 Wur. Mean ? — why that you are sole heiress to Sir Charles Coldstream's fortune. Mary. I 1 [Sudde^ily /raves the tray between Sir Adoni* and Saville. 32 USKU UP. [Act II. \fur. So, now you will leave youi- old uncle. Mart/. Leave you, never! — [Crosses to him.] But heir- cs.s ! am I his heiress ] Fell. I was Sir Charles's man of business — will you Iionour me with your orders ? Wur. Only assure me that you will not marry. A/L Cruel! not marry 1 what barbarity ! Mary. Where's Joe ? — Joe ! .Lecc/t. Who the devil is Joe 1 Wur. My plough-boy ! Sai>. She's in love with him. Enter Sir Chari.es at back. Sir C. [Aside.] So, the fun's begun, it seems. Mary. [Aside.] Here he comes — they'll recognize him. [Jlloud.] Love him ? nonsense ! — love Joe — a common plough-boy ? — besides, he is not worth a shilling, while I'm an heiress ! Sir C. [Aside.] Ha I — ^^just in time — Et tu britic ! Mary. An ugly chid ! iS'V C. Go on. Mary. A sulky burapkiu ! Sir C. [Aside.] Don't spare me, I'm used to it. Mary. I certainly might have cast my eyes upon him, when I was only a dairy-maid ; — but now — oh, no ! Sir C. Can wealth so poison the purest heart '?— what a precious world we live in I Mary. Gentlemen, I must consider your claims — you are both deserving ; but if I must choose a husband at A'l. Undoubtedly! Mary. Permit me a few minutes' reflection alone. Wur. This way, gentlemen. [Exeunt Fennel, Leech, and SaviUe, l. As they are going out, each turns to get a look at Mary ; — Sir Adonis return-'', hisses his hand, and exits, followed by Wur~el, who returns.] Don't give up your liberty. Theie is not one of them but would spend your fortune in three weeks, and you would be deserted before the honeymoon was out. Promise mo that you will never marry, but will always remain with your poor uncle. Scene 1.] USED UP. 33 Mary. I promise nothing at present — wait here a mo- ment for my decision. Now to find Sir Charles. [Exit, c. Sir C, who has hidden himself on the stairs, comes down and seises Wurzel, loTw is going. Wur. What do you want, Joe? are you madi air C. I am nearly. Wur. Mad ! — what does the fool mean 1 Sir C. There's no longer any fool in the case— excuse me for saying so in your presence. Listen to me, old Wurzel. Wur. Old ! Sir C. Ay, old as the hills— superannuated ! Wur. Me! — I am dumb with astonishment ! Sir C. Consent at once to your niece's marrying whom she pleases, or I'll break every bone in your body. Wur. What! Sir U. We are alone here. Wur. Well! Sir C. You are not strong. Wur. And would you take advantage of a feeble old man 1 Sir C. Oh, what, you are old now, are you 1 [Seizes him. Wur. Stay, Joe ; you're a good lad, 1 believe. Sir C. I am. Wur. Brave. Sir C. Very. Wur. But rather — Sir C. Exactly. Wur. I consent to any thing you wish. Sir C. Honour ! Wur. Honour ! there's no resisting you. Sir C. I know it. Now you must forbid those gentle- men thinking of her. Wur. But, my dear Joe, how can I 1 Sir a [Seizing him.] That's your affair. Wur. Well, well, 1 promise — ihere. Sir C. Now you may go. Wur. There's a good lad. — [Aside.] The rascal ! I'll trounce him for this. Good bye, Joe. Sir C. Good bye, [Exit Wurze/, l., shaking his JiU 34 USED LP. [Act J I. behind Sir Cfiarlei'ai back.] Ungrateful girl ! on whom 1 lavished riches — whom I loved ! Now, indeed, I feel the lack of that existence, wTiich I thought I expenenced when I was wealthy. Enter Marv, seeing him, c. Mary. Oh, my dear Joe, what an excellent idea it was to think of disinheriting those wretches. Sir C. Indeed ! do you think so ? Mary. I saw you coming, and feared for your detec tion. Believe me, Joe, I will most jealously guard youi fortune — Sir C. I've no doubt. Mary. 'Till means can be found to restore it to you. You can now escape, and gain some foreign country — live free, free ! Sir a What ! Mary. If I do not seem happy at the thought of your departure — Sir C. Wliy, Mary, did you understand, then, that I merely transferred my fortune to your hands for my own use ? Mary. Of course — but fly at once — leave me — Sir C. Say, before I go, that you love me. Mary. Love you ! Sir C. You do ? Mary. We shall be overheard. Sir C. Then here I stop forever, Mary. Well, then, I do. Sir C. She loves me, she loves me ! [EmJiraces her, and /eels his 2>iilse.] But you love me for myself, not for dinners? — [Aside.] How could she — she never was at any of 'em ? Mary. They are coming — what shall I do ? they will expect me to choose a husband. Sir C. Very well, choose me. [iS7/e /itrns to him, he sei-cs her in his arms, and kisses her. Rr-entrr Savili.k, Leech, a7!d Fennel, l. Sav. Well, fair lady. Leech. Have you made your choice- 1 AU. [Seeing Sir Charles embracing her.] Hollo ! SCSHE i.] 35 Mary. Permit me, gentlemen, to introduce my future husband. Sav. Why, surely — Leech. Tom ! Sav. Leech ! Leech. SfSav. It's Sir Charles, himself! Fen. The defunct ! Sir C. Yes, gentlemen. Leech. Not dead ] Sir C. No, I am not, lucky for me ; and if I were, I should consider it my imperative duty to re-visit you. — ■ [Lceck and Saville approach to shake hands.] Avaunt ! — Begone, Van:pires! Fen. [Crosses to him, c.\ Sir Charles Coldstream, ex- cuse me — your position when you were dead, was a most excellent one, but — Sir C. [Aside.] The devil ! I forgot the damned black- smith. Fan. But since you are alive — Sir C. But I am not ! I'm dead — dead as a door nail — dead in law ! Fen. My duty is to secure your person. Man/. Heavens ! Sir C. What for 1 Fen. Additional evidence has been found against you to-day. Sir C. To-day ! — by whom 1 Fen. By yourself. Listen : — " John Ironbracc was drowned on the ■20th of August'' — *'(> C. Well— Fen. On the 19th, you write in your will — " As it is more than probable that to morrow" — I regret to state, that you are in an awkward position. All. Oh! Sir C. I've done it now, tliat's certain — committed sui- cide in spite of myself Leech. But Mr. Fennel, surely — Fen. Gentlemen — I must trouble you to clear the room ; it shall be guarded until the arrival of the Rural Police. Farmer Wurzel's now gone for them. Mary. My dear .Toe ! ao USED UP. [Act II. Sij- C. I am stunned, — that damned codicil ! a happy idea ! Mart/. And I have been the cause ! But, I will save him still. [As she goes up. places the c. Table, r. Fen. Come, madam. [Exeunt all but Sir C. — at c. the door is shut and bolted. Sir C. It's — it's all over with me ! — just as happiness was at last within my grasp — I wish you a good morning — it faded like a spectre from my arras. Poor Mary, 'tis for her sake I suffer. Niglit is closing in ; I shall be left alone here ; solitude is hateful to me — since a certain event — especially in the dark : — then the spectre rises up before me — a candle end — a sad emblem ! we shall last about the time — unhappy analogy ! — is there no means of escape 1 none! — Stay — surely — yes — I remember my old nurse — Mary's mother — used to tell me tales of this very house — the old Manor House — of the subterranean passages that were underneath the hall, to conceal Jacob- ites in the rebellion — the hall ! — this must be it. [Searches about floor.] — if I could hit on the entrance — stay, here is something like — let's try" — yes, it moves — it is — [Opens the trap, c] how devilish dark and cold — it's anything but inviting — no matter, I'll go down uninvited. [Goes down a step, and comes up again.] I tremble every limb — the idea of a blacksmith not knowing how to swim — it's perfectly ridiculous ! [Exit down trap, c] Help ! help ! — get out — ho ! [They are heard beneath. Iron. Ha ! — dog ! — assassin ! Oh, Lord ! — oh, dear ! [After much confused noise. Sir Charles lifts up the trap, leaps out, stamps it down, and stands on it. Sir C. Oh, Lord ! — he's there ! I've seen him ! — I've seen his ghost — there was a rusty smoky smell about it — 1 felt the ghost of his arms seize me — I heard the ghost of his voice call me assa.ssin ! through the dim twilight I saw his blue features glaring on roe ; and then we began just such an infernal waltz, as that which preceded our last water excursion — round we spun in the dark, until at last — oh, Lord, the thought ! — I dealt him a severe punch on the ghost of his head — oh, fate, what hast thou next in store for me ! [ Ironbrace lifts a trap, k. Iron. So, I'm out, at last. Sir C. No, you don't. [Rzis/ies to trap, slams it on him. SOESE I] 37 and sits on it.] Hoitois accumulate on me — oh, if this is only the force of my imagination, I wish it wouM take another subject to amuse itself with. [Ironhrace raises a trap, L. Iron. Shall I eyer get out of this ? Sir C. Never ! [Runs over and slams tie trap dowit.i He has as many holes in tlie house as a rabbit warren ! Iron. \Itaises trap in c] Here's another ! Sir C. [Slams it dou-n.\ Down ! — down, perturbed spi- rit I — the ground's drilled like a cullender! What shall 1 do ■? I only drowned one, after all, not fifty — I'm on a volcano — an eruption of blacksmiths ! [Noise wit/iout, c] Here comes the Police — I won't go — I won't be taken — they shan't remove me — I'm part of the fixtures. I'll stay here in spite of the universe. . Enter Wurzel, Saville, Leech, Fennel, and Mary, c. Marij. Where is he 1 where is Sir Charles 1 Leech If Sav. Where is our dear friend 1 Wur. Sir Charles, my dear landlord, you are free. Sir C. Free ! Wur. Ironbrace is preserved. Sir C. Yes, in spirits — Euh ! Wur. He is no more drowned than you are — see ! [Goes to lift trap,c. Sir C. Don't — don't ! he's there — I saw him — it's hia ghost ! Wur. His ghost 1 nonsense ! I'll let him out, dead or alive ! [Lifts c. trap, and Ironbrace ascends. Iron. Alive, if it's all the same to you. Sir C. Alive! — are you quite sure] Let me touch you— oh, by Jove, my good friend, you have no idea how pleased 1 am to see you — give me your hand. Iron. There it is — I'm glad enough to see you alive, too, I can tell you. Sir C. Are you pretty well 1 I've often thought of you —[Aside.] Well, I thought it was very dirty for a ghost. Lcirrh. What happiness to recover our friend. Sav. Joy ! joy ! [T/iey cross to 7iim. Sir C. Joy, indeed, my good friends ; and as I am sure you would not like it to be incomplete, do me one favour. Leech If Sar. Anything, my dear Sir Charles ! 38 [Act li Sir C. Never let me see your faces again. LeerJi I,- Sav. What ! Lei'cJi. A man of no refinement! Sav. A perfect brute ! Leecl). Sir Charles, I have the-honour — perhaps, when you feel bored with your own company, we shall hear from you. Sir C. I promise that. Sav. We shall hear from him to-morrow. Lcec/i. To-day! Sir C. Never ! and now, with the wisdom and good sense peculiar to Englishmen, who have fought, I will explain : — I never saw your wife in my life, till the mo- ment you found us together. Iron. No ! Sir C. Consequently, your fury was mis-directed.-— Would you know the proper object for your vengeance ? Iro>i. I should — hammer and tongs ! Sir C. There he stands ! [Poi?its to Leecli, who runs off, L.] Don't trouble yourself, he's not worth caring for. Iron. You're right : nothing's worth caring for, I be- lieve — the world's a bad one. Sir C. Psha, man ! — don't talk nonsense : tha world's a beautiful world, if people will but think so ; isn't it, Mary ] Mary. Yes ; but when people run too much after ex- citement, they may chance to get more than thay bargain for. Sir C. I am a living instance; but my suff«rings are now repaid, thanks to the disinterested affection of an artless girl. I've found within this lowly farm what I've sought in vain amidst the dissipation of Europe — a home — yes, I've had a good lesson — a man's happiness, after all", lies within himself— with employment for the mind, exercise for the body, a domestic hearth, and a mind at ease, there is but one thing wanting to complete his hap- piness — the approbation of his friends, without which there is nothing in it. DISPOSITION OF THE CHARACTERS AT THE FALL OF THE CURTAIN. lEnNBBiCE. Sir C. Mary. Wubzel. SiiTiLLg SS3HONO0dOAUVban