5 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 FANTASTIC COMEDY 
 
 In Three Acts 
 
 BY 
 
 HARRY L. NEWTON 
 
 AUTHOR OF 
 
 'All on Account of Polly/' "The Corner Drug Store;' "Everyyouth, 
 
 "The Goodfellow," "Good Mornin' Judge," "The Heiress 
 
 of Hoetown," "Jayville Junction," "The Little Red 
 
 School House," "A Rehearsal at Ten," "The 
 
 Rest Cure," "Teacher Kin I Go 
 
 Home?" "When the Circus 
 
 Came to Town" etc. 
 
 /r; 
 
 CHICAGO 
 
 T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 
 
 Publishers 
 

 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 Herman Heinie A German Doll Maker 
 
 Bud Barlow A College Youth 
 
 Tommy Tucker The ''Darling Child" 
 
 WiLLARD Peck The Mysterious Stranger 
 
 Clarice Bud's Sweetheart 
 
 Toots Snodgrass The House Maid 
 
 Mrs. Heinie The Old Doll Maker's Second Wife 
 
 Dora Mee A Neighbor's Daughter 
 
 Note. — The character of the old German doll maker will be just 
 as effective if "done" in other dialect. 
 
 Act I — Living room in Herman's house. Morning. 
 
 Act H — The same. Afternoon. 
 
 Act hi — Lawn in front of Herman's house. Evening. 
 
 Time — The Present. 
 
 Place — Happy Hollow^ New Hampshire. 
 
 -About Tzvo Hours. 
 
 Note.— Production of this play is free to amateurs, but tl'.e sole 
 professional rights are reserve<^ by the Publishers., 
 
 ■"TSu ib /-4 V COPYRIGHT. 1917, BY EBEN H. NORRIS. 
 
 .APR 18 1917 0Ci.D 46694 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 
 
 Herman Heinie — A quaint, lovable old German, about 
 55. Gray wig and smoothly shaven face. "Cracked" on the 
 subject of discovering the spark of life that it may be 
 adapted to his newest and most wonderful of doll creations. 
 In Acts I and II wears blue shirt, long apron and dark 
 trousers. In Act III, white shirt, lounging coat and dark 
 trousers. 
 
 Bud Barlow — Bright, snappy college youth. Change to 
 Mephisto costume in Act I. Last act, ordinary business 
 suit. 
 
 Tommy Tucker — ''Silly Kid" type. About 19 years of age. 
 In Acts I and II wears shirt waist, knee pants, long stock- 
 ings and large bow tie. In Act III changes to ill-fitting suit 
 with, long trousers, much too tight, and short coat with 
 flower in button hole. Wears an old-fashioned derby hat 
 which is two sizes too small and which he has great difficulty 
 in keeping on head. 
 
 WiLLARD Peck — About 26 years of age. Wears a rusty 
 
 black suit and high silk hat. Eccentric in manner and speech.. 
 
 , Clarice. — A sweet young girl of about 19. Wears pretty 
 
 gown in first part of Act I, changing to doll dress and blonde 
 
 doll wig. In Act III, pretty summer dress. 
 
 Toots Snodgrass — A typical "Sis Hopkins" character, 
 with drawling speech and stupid actions. Wears calico dress 
 and apron in Acts I and II and gorgeous evening gown in 
 Act HI. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie — Talkative, handsome woman of about 40. 
 Wears modest gowns in Acts II and III and handsome 
 evening gown in Act IIL 
 
 Dora Mee — Aged about 17. First appearance, wears sum- 
 mer frock and sunbonnet. In Acts II and III, pretty 
 summer frocks. 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 STORY OF THE PLAY. 
 
 Herman Heinie, an eccentric genius and doll maker, has 
 prefected a wonderful mechanical doll which he calls his 
 Masterpiece. It is made in the image of his niece, Clarice, 
 and is a most lifelike creation. He has become obsessed 
 with the idea that he can endow it with life and his search 
 for the life principle is rapidly undermining his reason. 
 While he is beloved by his son Tommy and his niece, he 
 is hen-pecked by his second wife, who has no sympathy 
 with his life work. 
 
 Bud Barlow, a college youth in love with Clarice, realizes 
 the seriousness of his condition and consults a physician. 
 He is advised to make Herman believe that he has succeeded 
 in his search, and then, by a sudden revelation or shock, 
 restore the old man's reason. Herman has made up his 
 mind to call to his aid the power of the Evil One and Bud 
 plots with Clarice to disguise himself as Mephisto and have 
 her impersonate the doll. 
 
 It works. Apparently the doll comes to life and Herman 
 is delighted. He plans to have her and his son Tommy 
 marry. The mysterious stranger appears, and Herman, 
 thinking he is trying to steal his invention, drives him away. 
 Many complications ensue. Mrs. Heinie falls in love with 
 his Satanic Majesty, making Clarice jealous. Toots, the 
 house maid, who is in love with Tommy, also becomes jeal- 
 ous when she sees him making love to Clarice. Then the 
 Masterpiece disappears and Herman is left disconsolate with 
 his plans all gone awry. 
 
 So Bud abandons his disguise and is shunned by everyone 
 except Toots, who plans with him to bring the lovers to- 
 gether again. Clarice confesses to Herman the deception 
 played upon him. At first he is overcome with disappoint- 
 ment, but gradually his reason asserts itself and makes a new 
 man of him. He resolves to give up his useless search and 
 to no longer be ruled by his shrewish wife. Bud assists in 
 the reconciliation of Toots and Tommy and rs about to 
 straighten out his own tangled love affair when the mysteri- 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 5 
 
 ous stranger again appears with information which threatens 
 to upset everything. However, love triumphs ; Peck is be- 
 trothed to Dora Mee and the three couples are reunited. 
 Herman, now master of his household, surveys the spoon- 
 ing couples and concludes that at last he has found the 
 Spark of Life for which he has been searching, in the love 
 affairs of the young folks. 
 
 SYNOPSIS. 
 
 Act L Herman Heinie, the eccentric doll maker of 
 Happy Hollow, searching for the Spark of Life with which 
 to put the breath of life into his Masterpiece. Toots, the 
 maid of all work, who is afraid of work, but knows how 
 to extract a tip. "Ain't he just splen-did." The Mephis- 
 tophelian plot which brings the doll to life. Everybody 
 happy, but not for long. The Mysterious Stranger. "I beg 
 your pardon." The dream come true, but — 
 
 Act H. In which Mrs. Heinie falls in love with the 
 devil, and the road of true love has many twists and turns. 
 The Mysterious Stranger who would not "stay put." A 
 new recipe for angel food spoiled by too many cooks. The 
 Masterpiece disappears. Sixes and sevens. "I'll paint my 
 face and be a real lady." 
 
 Act hi. "Everybody hates everybody they shouldn't and 
 everybody loves everybody they shouldn't." Bud, the cause 
 of it all, as popular as an Indian with the smallpox. The 
 deception disclosed. Herman turns over a new leaf. "I 
 bought a new pair of trousers yesterday, and, by golly, I'm 
 going to wear them from now on." The worm turns ; back 
 to the kitchen where you belong. The fifty-thousand-dollar 
 legacy sacrificed for love. A triple courtship. "All my life 
 I've been searching for the Spark of Life, and now at last 
 I've found it. It's love, that's what it is — love." "Ain't 
 he just splen-did." 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 LIST OF PROPERTIES. 
 
 Act I — Broom and bits of paper. Several coins for Bud. 
 Water pail and sponge. Crash box, off stage. Small pack- 
 age of flashlight powder. Rachet, to produce cranking 
 sound. 
 
 Act II — Cook book. Large spoon. Baking pan. Large 
 china bowl. Small bag of flour. Two eggs. Can of mus- 
 tard. Orange. Horse pistol. Dishpan and towel. 
 
 Act III — Three or four flower pots, to break. Pipe, 
 tobacco and match, for Herman. Legal document, for Peck. 
 Electric torch, for Herman. 
 
 SCENE PLOT. 
 Acts I and II. 
 
 Backing 
 
 H C. Door 
 
 Fire-place 
 </'Sofa 
 
 Act hi. 
 
 Back Drop, Wood or Meadow View 
 
 Picket Fence ' ^ ® Picket Fence Wood Wings 
 
 C^^^\^ Wood Wings 
 
 Hamtnock^-^ L. 2nd Entrance wings 
 
 Wood Wings 
 
 inch\^ 
 
 STAGE DIRECTIONS. 
 
 R. means right of stage ; C, center ; R. C, right center ; 
 L., left ; R. D., right door ; L. D., left door, etc. ; 1 E., first 
 entrance ; U. E., upper entrance ; R. 3 E., right entrance, 
 up stage, etc. ; D. F., door in flat or scene running across back 
 of the stage ; up stage, away from footlights ; down stage, 
 near footlights ; 1 G., first groove, etc. The actor is sup- 
 posed to be facing the audience. 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Act I. 
 
 Scene: Living room in Herman's house. Morning. 
 Old-fashioned furniture and pictures. At hack, L. of C, 
 is a large cabinet, with curtains so arranged that they can 
 be drawn apart by strings from wings. At C. are double 
 doors, opening into Herman's workshop. There is a large 
 fireplace at R. 2. A small dining table with red cloth is 
 down L. Sofa down R. Door at upper R. leading into 
 adjoining room. Door at upper L. opening into garden. 
 At rise, lights full on. 
 
 Enter Toots from R. She has a broom and szveeps floor 
 as she enters. Sweeps a quantity of paper and litter under 
 a small rug, then replaces rug and drops exhausted into 
 a chair. 
 
 Toots. Oh, dear me suds ! I do wish somethin' would 
 happen. I mean somethin' besides work. But there won't 
 nothin' happen. Me, Toots Snodgrass, the purtiest gal in 
 seven states, havin' to work all the blessed time. An' I got 
 such a lovin' disposition, too. But so far in my beautiful 
 existence it ain't got me no place. I ain't noticed no mad 
 rush to lead me to the church altar. {Looks about.) Mighty 
 queer doin's in this here house. Old Mr. Heinie is at work 
 on his Masterpiece — whatever that is ; he don't allow nobody 
 to go in his workshop. Well, I ain't a-goin' to break my 
 neck to git in there. Him and his crazy ideas has got me 
 plumb scared to death. {Loud knock on door L. She jumps 
 with fright.) Gosh! There goes three years more off of 
 my young life. 
 
 Enter Bud, L., hurriedly. Stops abruptly in front of 
 Toots. 
 
 Bud. Why, how do you do! I never expected to find 
 you here. You are {names some prominent actress), are 
 you not? 
 
 7 
 
8 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Toots. Yes, I am — not! 
 
 Bud. Oh, I get you now. At first glance I took you 
 for {prominent actress). I see. You are Miss Toots Snod- 
 grass. {She seniles.) Is Miss Clarice in? 
 
 Toots. Well, maybe she be, and then agin, maybe she 
 beant. It all depends. {Holds out her hand.) 
 
 Bud {latcghs). I see. {Takes coin from pocket.) Is she 
 in or out? 
 
 Toots {reaches for coin). I think she be. {Takes coin.) 
 Yes — I think she be. 
 
 Bud {takes off hat and extends it to her) . My hat. Toots. 
 
 Toots {looks curiously at hat). Yes — so it be. 
 
 Bud {laughs). Well, take it. 
 
 Toots. Where to? 
 
 Bud. Hang it up. 
 
 Toots. Hang it up yourself an' see if I care. 
 
 Bud {laughs). All right. {Throzvs hat in corner.) Now 
 please tell Miss Clarice I am here. 
 
 Toots. That'll be extra. {Holds out hand for tip.) 
 
 Bud {produces coin). Here you are. Now hurry. 
 
 Toots {takes coin). Hurryin' is extra. 
 
 Bud. Say, you're the wisest foolish person I ever met. 
 {Puts another coin in her hand.) Now on your merry way. 
 
 Toots {crosses to R., aside). Ain't he just splen-did. 
 {Exit R.) ^^^^^^ Clarice, L. 
 
 Clarice. Why, hello. Bud Barlow. 
 
 Bud {whirling about and facing her). Hello, Clarice. 
 {Rushes to embrace her, as — ) 
 
 Toots enter L. They embrace at C. 
 
 Toots. Say Mr. Barlow — oh, excuse me ; you found her. 
 {Foolish giggle.) 
 
 Bud {releases Clarice and faces Toots). Miss Snod- 
 grass, you are supposed to leave the room. 
 
 Toots {significantly). Well, that'll he extvB.. {Holds out 
 hand.) 
 
 Bud {produces coin and hands it to Toots). All right. 
 Now exceed the speed limit — your fine is paid. 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 9 
 
 Toots {taking coin). All right. Thank you. (Starts 
 toward R.) 
 
 Bud. Just a moment, Miss Snodgrass. (Toots stops.) 
 Miss Clarice and myself have something important to talk 
 about. We do not wish to be interrupted. Now you keep 
 your eyes open and tip me off if anybody is headed our 
 way. Understand ? 
 
 Toots (grinning). Yes, sir — but tJiafll be extra. 
 
 Bud (produces coin). This is all the ''extra" you get — so 
 beat it. 
 
 Toots (takes coin, crosses to R. Aside at door). Ain't 
 he just splen-did. (Exit R.) 
 
 Bud (to Clarice). I've got a terrible lot to do today and 
 to tell you. (Leads her to sofa, then sits beside her.) It's 
 about your uncle. We've got to knock that crazy idea out of 
 his head that he can manufacture a doll that can actually 
 breathe, talk, eat, sleep, and in fact act more like a human 
 being than the majority of us. You know, your uncle's 
 crazy — 
 
 Clarice (interrupting). Bud Barlow, my uncle is not 
 crazy. 
 
 Bud. I know ; but he's got the squirrels following him. 
 Now listen. (Looks cautiously all about.) You know, 
 dearie, that I— ^^^^^^ j^^^^^ ^^ 
 
 Toots. Mr. Barlow, there ain't nobody comin'. (Bud 
 and Clarice annoyed.) 
 
 Bud (f (9 Toots). Get out. I'm busy. 
 
 Toots. All right. I just thought I'd tell you. (Exit R.) 
 
 Bud (taking Clarice's hand, tenderly). I've been doing 
 a little Sherlock Holmes stuff and I've discovered a few 
 things. Your uncle is at work on a life-size model of a 
 human being. He has the idea that this figure can be en- 
 dowed with life and be as perfect in every way as — well, 
 as you. (Clarice smiles.) But of course that's impossible. 
 There never will be anything on earth, quite as perfect as 
 you are. (Starts to kiss her.) 
 
 Enter Toots^ R. 
 
10 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Toots. Say, Mr. Barlow, there ain't nobody comin' yet. 
 
 Bud (annoyed at the interruption, jumps up, crosses to 
 R.). No, but there's somebody going. (Rushes Toots off 
 R. Comes back to sofa.) Now, then, if your uncle isn't 
 made to see the error of his ways, it's going to mean the 
 loss of his reason — perhaps his life. 
 
 Clarice. Oh, Bud! What can we do? 
 
 Bud. Here's my idea. I've about everything arranged 
 to restore him to a normal condition of mind again. I am 
 framing this up on the advice of a physician. He tells me 
 that the only thing is to humor your uncle. Then, by some 
 sort of a shock, suddenly reverse conditions and it will 
 make a new man of him. Now your uncle is firmly con- 
 vinced that all his wonderful doll needs is a spark of life 
 and it will live. Upon going through my room I ran upon 
 an old Mephisto costume I once wore at a mask ball. I 
 shall don this rig, suddenly appear before your uncle and 
 declare myself the real chap from down below, come to 
 give the spark of life to his Masterpiece. Behold ! Mephisto ! 
 (Strikes an attitude.) 
 
 Clarice (startled, rises). Why, Bud Barlow! 
 
 Bud. You know what I mean. I am going to play the 
 Devil — and fool your uncle. Plenty of red fire and all the 
 other effects, and I shall have no difficulty in convincing 
 your uncle th^t I have just arrived from — well, one place 
 that can't be reached by a long distance telephone. 
 
 Clarice (interested). It all sounds good. But what am 
 I to do? 
 
 Bud. You play the star part — the doll. His wonderful 
 creation, endowed with life. I put a crank on your back, 
 and — ^bingo ! You come to life. Great ! 
 
 Clarice. Oh, Bud, if it should succeed! 
 
 Bud. It will. All you've got to do is to plant the Me- 
 phisto idea in your uncle's brain, and the germ will develop. 
 
 Clarice. But if it fails? 
 
 Bud. No chance. (Takes her hand, tenderly). Little 
 girl, I'm doing this for two reasons. You — and your uncle. 
 (About to kiss her.) 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 11 
 
 Enter Toots, R. 
 
 Toots. Say, Mr. Barlow, there ain't a soul comin' yet. 
 
 Bud. I don't care. We'll have it over with in a moment. 
 Stand right there, Miss Snodgrass. Tell me. How do you 
 like this? (Kisses Clarice.) 
 
 Toots (shakes head) . Never touched me. 
 
 Bud (to Clarice). Come on, darling. We've got to get 
 busy. (To Toots.) Good-bye, Miss Snodgrass. If any- 
 body asks you, tell them it's colder in the summer than in 
 New York. (Grabs Clarice, rushes her to L. and they 
 exeunt.) 
 
 Toots (staring after tJiem in amazement) . Well, I swan. 
 He's as crazy as the old man. Guess I better get out of 
 here before I get it. 
 
 Toots starts for R., zvhen enter Dora, L. Comes in hozv- 
 ing, giggling, etc. 
 
 Dora. Good morning. Toots Snodgrass. It's a nice day, 
 ain't it? My mother sent me over to see if she could bor- 
 row your lawn mower. 
 
 Toots (mimicing). Oh, is that there so? Well, you go 
 back and tell your mother if we had a lawn mower we 
 wouldn't speak to her. 
 
 Dora. Oh, very well. (Takes a couple of steps back- 
 zvard, bozvs, takes a step foirvard and bozvs again.) Mrs. 
 Jones told my mother that your folks didn't have no lawn 
 mower nohow, so my mother sent me over to prove it. 
 (Takes tzvo steps backzuard, stops.) Good day. Toots Snod- 
 grass. (Turns and marches to door L. and exits.) 
 
 Toots. Dear me suds! There is some more lunatical. 
 This ain't no place for a refined lady like me nohow. (Starts 
 for R.) £,^^^^. j^^^g Heinie, R. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Toots Snodgrass, what are you doing? 
 
 Toots. Nothin'. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. You're always doin' that. Go in the next 
 room and do it. Wait! I thought I heard voices. Has 
 anyone been in? 
 
12 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Toots. Yes'm. He was here. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Whom do you mean by "he" ? Never mind. 
 I know to whom you refer. Now I've told you repeatedly 
 that I don't want that person here. What did Bud Barlow 
 want ? 
 
 Toots. Same thing all men want — woman. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Humph ! This nonsense must stop. Do 
 you hear me? Stop! I won't have it. I have other plans 
 for Clarice's future. She must marry above her station 
 in life and not beneath it, as I have done. She's only my 
 step-daughter, but I have a heart. Where's your master? 
 
 Toots. In his shop. (At door C.) 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Humph! Always puttering in his shop. 
 Go tell him I want to speak to him. 
 
 Toots (aside). If I ever catch the man that invented 
 work, I'll get him a job in this crazy bungalow. (Exit C.) 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (alone). Fine state of affairs, I must say. 
 That penniless college graduate dares to aspire to my step- 
 daughter's hand. I'll stop that nonsense. (Calls sharply.) 
 Herman ! Herman, I say ! 
 
 Herman (off C). Coming, my dear. 
 
 Enter Herman, C. He wipes his hands on his apron as 
 he enters. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. I want you to understand that when I 
 want you, I want you. Is that thoroughly understood, Her- 
 man Heinie? 
 
 Herman (gently). Yes, my dear. I hope it is an impor- 
 tance, otherv/ise I regret to be disturbed. ^ 
 
 Mrs. FIeinie. It is important — most important. You are 
 idling away your time, Herman FIeinie. Things have come 
 to the point where something must be done. You haven't 
 given me a penny in three months. My first husband was 
 a money-maker. A money-maker, do you hear that? 
 
 Herman. Humph ! I have heard that many times. I 
 am going to say, speaking for myself, that I make more 
 money accidentally than your first husband ever did on pur- 
 pose. (Chuckles.) 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 13 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (angrily). Oh, it's no use. I don't know 
 why I ever married you. 
 
 Herman. You know, my dear, I have asked myself the 
 same question yet when I look at you. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. That's enough. Quite enough. Now 
 listen — 
 
 Herman. Sure. That's the only thing I ever get a chance 
 to do with you. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Things must change about this house. 
 Your eternal tinkering with those impossible dolls must 
 cease. Also Clarice and her going with that worthless Bud 
 Barlow must stop. Understand ? 
 
 Herman. You are asking quite a large chunk in a couple 
 of words, my dear. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. I am merely asking for justice. Just be- 
 cause I was fool enough to marry a good-for-nothing, 
 there's no reason why she should. (At door R.) 
 
 Herman (roused at last). Stop! I? I a good-for-noth- 
 ing? You call me that? (More calmly.) Well, we shall 
 see. Any hour now will witness my triumph. Then maybe 
 you will be sorry yet — yes? It is almost completed — almost 
 completed. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (impatiently) . What is almost completed? 
 
 Herman (shaking head zvisely). Ach, that is for me to 
 know and you to find out yet. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Stui? and nonsense ! That's all I've heard 
 for the past six months. You've been shaking your head and 
 acting mysteriously for weeks. And what's the result? 
 Every day we get nearer the poor house. And then there's 
 Tommy. Your Tommy. Thank goodness none of my blood 
 flows in his veins. (Starts to exit.) 
 
 Herman. Say, you don't seem to be much stuck on 
 anybody about here, do you? 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Never you mind my likes and dislikes. 
 Now I've talked all I'm going to. Do you hear me ; all I'm 
 going to. (Starts exit.) 
 
 Herman. I am pleased to hear it. 
 
14 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Mrs. Heinie {comes back). I shall do something else 
 besides talk. (Starts exit.) 
 
 Herman. Thank the Lord she's going. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie {comes back). Tomorrow — 
 
 Herman {aside). Ach, she's back again. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Tomorrow will be too late. It will be too 
 late to talk, for I shall be gone. 
 
 Herman (aside). Ach, Gott! She won't go till tomor- 
 row. {Drops ivearily into a chair.) 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. One final word. (Herman sinks deeper 
 in chair.) Just one final word. If another week rolls by 
 and you do not accomplish something, I shall pack up and 
 get out. That's all. One more week. (Exit R.) 
 
 Herman (laughs quietly). Ach, she's mad all over yet. 
 (Looks cunningly all abotU.) They all think it's impos- 
 sible — it can't be done yet. Well, let them think so. When 
 my day comes my triumph will be all the more yet bigger. 
 (Rises, looks cautiously about, laughs zveirdly.) Ha, ha, 
 ha! We shall see! We shall see! (Makes circuit of stage, 
 peering about as if to make certain he is alone. Stops back 
 C.) Now we shall see! See what I have hidden from all 
 the world. My Masterpiece! The eighth wonder of the 
 world! (Turns back to audience and faces cabinet.) Ap- 
 pear, oh my beautiful being. Appear! 
 
 (All stage lights are turned off, spot light is thrown on 
 cabinet, the curtains are drawn and Clarice, as the doll, is 
 disclosed.) 
 
 Herman. Aha! So! It is sublime! A perfect Master- 
 piece! (Rubs hands delightedly and chuckles.) See! Look! 
 It all but breathes. And I — I the good-for-nothing, will 
 soon discover the spark of life, and then it will breathe, 
 walk, eat, sleep, talk — ah, but not too much talk — just a 
 little. She shall make my boy a fond and loving wife. Not 
 a wife like mine — no! There! I have feasted these old eyes 
 of mine long enough on you, my Masterpiece. Farewell! 
 Perhaps when next I behold thee — ah, who then shall call me 
 good-for-nothing? Go! (Waves hands, spotlight out, cur- 
 tains drawn and stage lights full on.) 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 15 
 
 Enter Toots, R. She carries a water pail and a large 
 sponge. 
 
 Toots. Say, Mr. Heinie — 
 
 Herman (zvhirling about, facing her, suspiciously). Aha, 
 you have been spying on me — yes? You saw something? 
 
 Toots. Naw, I ain't done nothin'. I just came in to ask 
 you if you didn't think it was about time you was payin' 
 me seventy or eighty-five cents on my wages account. 
 
 Herman. What? You want money? Wages? 
 
 Toots. Well, I was thinkin' that if you had any money 
 locked up in the house, it was about time you let it out to 
 play. 
 
 Herman (sadly). My child, I have no money — now. 
 (Eagerly.) But soon — ah, very soon there will be plenty. 
 Be patient, my child ; be patient. It won't be so very long. 
 Pretty soon it comes in now. (Crosses to R.) In the mean- 
 time,, don't work too hard. Sit down and rest yourself, my 
 child. I will work for you, for everybody. I will work for 
 my boy — my innocent boy, my darling! (Exit R.) 
 
 Toots (flops in chair, still holding sponge and pail). Sit 
 down and rest? Say, that's the easiest thing I do besides 
 eat. As for his money, I can get along without it. I can 
 get along, but of course I ain't sayin' how far I'll get. 
 
 Enter Tommy L. Starts to cross to R., sees Toots, goes 
 up behind her and puts both hands over her eyes. 
 
 Tommy. Guess who it is, Toots. 
 
 Toots (hesitates). Er — oh. Bud Barlow. 
 
 Tommy (surprised). What? Say, has that fellow been 
 hangin' around you makin' love? 
 
 Toots. Gee whillikins ! 
 
 Tommy (kisses her). Know who 'tis now? 
 
 Toots. It's Tommy Tucker. That is, it kisses like him. 
 
 Tommy (releases her). Gee, I had you guessin' all right. 
 
 Toots (aside). This is the darling angel child Mr. Heinie 
 was just ravin' about. 
 
 Tommy (feeling of his left arm). Say, do you know 
 what? 
 
 Toots. No — what ? 
 
16 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Tommy. I got vaccinated today. Was you ever vacci- 
 nated ? 
 
 Toots. Sure I was. 
 
 Tommy. Where was you vaccinated? 
 
 Toots. In Boston'. 
 
 Tommy. Oh, smarty cat! 
 
 Toots (takes sponge from pail and places it in a chair). 
 Say, Tommy, we're all goin' to have a lot of money pretty 
 soon. 
 
 Tommy. Who said so? 
 
 Toots. I said so. Sit down and I'll tell you all about it. 
 (Tommy sits on sponge.) Your father just told me to order 
 my weddin' gowns and such. 
 
 Tommy. Who you goin' to marry? 
 
 Toots. You. 
 
 Tommy. You're takin' a whole lot on yourself, I must 
 say. (Stops to break off speech slozvly as he feels zvater 
 on his trousers.) 
 
 Toots (pause). Were you sayin' somethin', Tommy? 
 
 Tommy (comedy expression on face and squirming about 
 on chair). Yes, I was sayin' somethin', but — but I changed 
 my mind. 
 
 Toots. I don't care to do all the talkin'. 
 
 Tommy (rises, shakes first one leg, then the other). I 
 don't mind you talkin'. (Pulls at seat of trousers.) I — I 
 rather like to hear you talk. 
 
 Toots. You know. Tommy, you act mighty queer some- 
 times. 
 
 Tommy. Well, I guess you would, too, if — (looks slozvly 
 around and discovers sponge on chair. Silly laugh.) Oh, 
 gosh ! 
 
 Toots (looks at sponge, rises, picks up pail and sponge). 
 Guess I better go and water the chickens. (Starts to cross 
 to L.) 
 
 Tommy. Guess you ain't got no water. I got it all. 
 
 Toots. Come on, Tommy. Help me with the chickens. 
 (At door L.) 
 
 Tommy. I don't want to. 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 17 
 
 Toots. Why not? 
 
 Tommy. There's a hen out there layin' for me. (Crosses 
 to L.) 
 
 Toots. Oh, come on. Don't be afraid. I'm with you. 
 
 Tommy. All right. But if you let me get hurt, my paw 
 will scold you. (They exeunt L.) 
 
 Enter Peck from R. He looks curiously all about. 
 
 Peck. Well, this is strange. I've been all over this house 
 and there doesn't seem to be anybody in. I came clear from 
 Boston to serve legal papers on Mr. Herman Heinie, and 
 serve I will or know the reason why. I'll go back and try 
 again. (Exit R.) 
 
 Enter Tommy and Toots, L. 
 
 Tommy. Look here. Toots, I don't want you following 
 me about all the time. 
 
 Toots. I ain't followin' you. I'm too much of a lady 
 to do that. You got scart of the roosters and run, so I 
 followed you to see that you got home all right. 
 
 Tommy (silly laugh). You make me laugh. Toots Snod- 
 grass. You ain't no lady. A lady has fine clothes and a lot 
 of paint on her face. I know, 'cause I seen a lady once in 
 a opera house show performance. 
 
 Toots. Was it a regular opera house theater perform- 
 
 ance 
 
 Tommy. Sure it was. A regular opera house, theater, 
 academy of music performance. 
 Toots. What did she do? 
 Tommy. I'll show you. 
 (Introduce specialty for Tommy and Toots.) 
 After specialty, enter Herman, R. 
 
 Herman. Oh, so you two are together agin — yes? You 
 are talking nonsense, maybe, or love? Anyhow, there ain't 
 much difference. 
 
 Tommy (bashfully, hanging head). Well, pop, not per- 
 zactly. But Toots kinder likes me and I kinder Hkes Toots. 
 And maybe some day Toots and me will get married. 
 
18 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Herman (looking from one to the other). So? 
 
 Tommy. Yes, pop. What do you think of marriage, 
 pop? (Loud crash off R., follozved by angry voice of Mrs. 
 Heinie.) 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (off R.). Drat the luck! There goes three 
 of my best dishes. That all comes of marrying a man who 
 can't afford to maintain proper servants. (Comedy business 
 by all three during crash and her speech.) 
 
 Herman. I think, Tommy, after that, I am under no 
 obligations to explanation. (All shake heads sadly. Her- 
 man glances cautiously about.) Listen, my children. The 
 fame of my Masterpiece has traveled far and near. I have 
 just received word of warning that bad men have plotted 
 to steal it. We must be careful and guard it with our lives. 
 Already I have seen a strange man and his eyes looking sus- 
 piciously at this house. You must not let him in. You 
 must chase him away if he tries to come in. Do you under- 
 stand ? 
 
 Toot?, (glancing nervously about) . Dear me suds! What 
 next? 
 
 Tommy (glances about nervously). Oh, gosh! (Silly 
 laugh.) 
 
 Herman (to Toots). Miss Snodgrass, you will kindly 
 please go get acquainted with some work yet. I have some- 
 thing to speak over with Tommy. And as for that marriage 
 question between you and Tommy, I am not choking with 
 enthusiasm over it. Tommy is not for you. Go ! 
 
 Toots (crosses to door R., turns). Humph! I ain't so 
 crazy 'bout your darling Tommy. And as for work — it can't 
 be done, not by me. (Exit R.) 
 
 Herman (mysteriously) . Tommy, my boy, you have dis- 
 closed the wish to me that you desire to marry. I have no 
 objections. In fact, I am in favor of it yet. 
 
 Tommy. Toots, pop? 
 
 Herman. No. Far from Toots. One who is far pret- 
 tier ; one that is everything that could be desired in a wife. 
 (Glances cautiously about.) Not like your step-mother. 
 Tommy ; no, siree. 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 19 
 
 Tommy. Gosh, no ! 
 
 Herman. Far be it. The one I have chosen for you is 
 not yet. 
 
 Tommy. Not yet what? 
 
 Herman. Not yet living, my child. 
 
 Tommy. Say, I don't want a dead one for a wife. 
 
 Herman. Hush, my child. She will shortly be alive. The 
 most beautiful — the most innocent — the most perfect wife 
 you will have — ach, I can't say it! 
 
 Tommy. Then write it, pop. Is she purtier than Toots ? 
 
 Herman {laughs). Ach, child. Mother Nature has fash- 
 ioned many beautiful women, but I — I have beaten her at 
 her own game. My boy, I have — 
 
 {Knock on door L.) 
 
 Tommy {eagerly). Is that her, pop? 
 Herman (aw jrfoif^/3;). Hush, my boy. We must be very 
 careful. {Crosses to door L., opens it.) 
 
 Enter Peck, briskly, hat in hand. 
 
 Peck. I beg your pardon — 
 
 Herman {agitated, aside). 'Tis he — come to steal my 
 Masterpiece ! 
 
 Peck. I begged your pardon once, but I guess you didn't 
 get it. Is this the residence of Mr. Herman Heinie, cele- 
 brated maker of mechanical figures? 
 
 Herman. I do not answer. Go! {Points at L.) 
 
 Peck. But, my dear sir. But — 
 
 Herman {interrupting). Do not attempt to enter. Go! 
 Go before I do you an injury. 
 
 Tommy. Yes. Beat it. 
 
 Peck. But, my dear sir, permit me to — 
 
 Herman {seizes Peck and forces him toward door L.). 
 I do not wish to listen to you. Go! {Thrusts him through 
 door and shuts it tightly. Turns to Tommy.) You see? It 
 is but what I feared yet. The man with the eyes looking 
 suspiciously. The thief! {Displays agitation.) 
 
 Tommy. Say, I'll tell you, pop. I'll go call my step- 
 mother. He won't never come back if he sees her. 
 
20 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Herman. No, no, my child. That man's visit merely 
 serves to force me to hasten my preparations. What I do 
 must be done at once, otherwise that man will steal the 
 fruits of all my great labor. 
 
 Tommy. What do you mean, pop? 
 
 Herman. I cannot stop to explain now. Tommy. Later 
 you shall see and know all. Come. You must stay close to 
 my side. Make haste. (He drags Tommy off C.) 
 
 Enter Peck, L., and Toots, R. 
 
 Peck {bowing politely). I really beg your pardon — 
 
 Toots {aside, with agitation). Gosh — the robber! 
 
 Peck. Young woman, is this the residence of Mr. Her- 
 man Heinie? 
 
 Toots. Who wants to know ? 
 
 Peck. I do. I've been wanting to know for some time, 
 now. 
 
 Toots. Well, you git right out of here now — 
 
 Peck. But, my dear young lady. But — 
 
 Toots. Don't you dare "but" me. When I tell you to 
 git, you git. {Grabs broom, beats him with it and forces 
 him off L. They exeunt.) 
 
 Enter Bud and Clarice. He is dressed as Mephisto 
 and she as the life-sized doll. He carries crank in one hand 
 and fastens it on her back. 
 
 Bud. Now you are all set to crank up. But don't feel 
 cranky. 
 
 Clarice. Oh, Bud, how can you joke about this? 
 
 Bud. Everything so far is immense — just as I had it 
 planned. Say, how do I look? {Whirls about for her in- 
 spection.) 
 
 Clarice. You look like the — ahem! You look the part 
 all right. And I? {Poses for him.) 
 
 Bud {kisses her). That's the answer. 
 
 Clarice. Oh, Bud Barlow! You mustn't do that. {Puck- 
 ers up her lips for more.) 
 
 Bud {laughs). Well, I suppose while I have the chance 
 I might just as well fatten up my batting average. {Kisses 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 21 
 
 her two or three times. ) There ! That ought to have me 
 leading the league for a few days, anyhow. . . . Now, the 
 idea is, my dear, that I must find a way to introduce myself 
 to your uncle. 
 
 Clarice. Oh. please be careful, Bud. His heart may be- 
 weak. 
 
 Bud. Don't worry. I'll be careful. Hush! Someone is 
 coming. We must hide. {Grabs her and runs about the 
 stage two or three times seeking a hiding place.) 
 
 Enter Peck, L. Starts in surprise at seeing a Mephisto 
 and doll. 
 
 Peck. Oh, excuse me — the Devil! 
 
 Bud {whirling about on Peck, striking Mephisto atti- 
 tude, with forefinger pointed) . Aha, aha ! What means this 
 unwarranted intrusion? Go! Go before I summon my — 
 my fiendish — {aside to Clarice). I'm stuck. What shall 
 I say next? 
 
 Clarice {prompts him). Summon my fiendish hirelings 
 to drag you to the depths below. (Peck stares in amaze- 
 ment from one to the other.) 
 
 Bud {to Clarice, aside). Sounds great. I'll try it on 
 him. {To Peck.) Fly, before I summon my fiendish depths 
 to drag — to drag you — you to my — to drag you to my hired 
 men below. 
 
 Peck. Well, of all the fooHsh nonsense! 
 
 Bud {drops Mephisto manner). Say, kiddo, you get out 
 of here, and do it quick. Understand that. {Threatens 
 Peck.) 
 
 Peck {retreats toward L.). Yes, I hear and understand. 
 I go, but I want it distinctly understood that I shall return. 
 {Looks curiously at them and exits L.) 
 
 Clarice {laughingly). Wonder who that chap is? 
 
 Bud {laughingly). He's probably wondering the same 
 of us. Now don't worry. I'm on the job. 
 
 Clarice {nervously). I'm not worrying, but — but my 
 feet are getting chilly. {Tries to pull skirts down.) 
 
 Bud. Don't get cold feet now. Hush! Somebody else 
 coming. 
 
22 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Herman {off R.). Now, Tommy, my boy, everything is 
 nearly ready yet. Come with me and I shall bring her to 
 life. 
 
 Clarice {looking anxiously about). Oh, Bud — ^he's 
 coming. 
 
 Bud {nervously) . Yes, yes — leave it all to me. {He grabs 
 her and they run about stage looking for hiding places — 
 under the table, back of sofa, etc. At last he runs her to 
 the cabinet, opens curtains and thrusts her inside, pulling 
 curtains to after her.) 
 
 Clarice {inside cabinet). But, I'm so nervous. 
 
 Bud. Shut up. Don't even breathe till I tell you. As 
 for me, I don't know where I'm going to light. {Discovers 
 fireplace.) Aha! The very thing. It's me for the merry 
 old chimney. {Hides in fireplace.) 
 
 Enter Herman and Tommy, R. Herman carries package 
 of flashlight powder. Looks all about to see if coast is clear. 
 
 Herman. It is all right, Tommy. We are alone. The 
 propitious moment has arrived. Now for the crowning tri- 
 umph of my life. 
 
 Tommy. Say, pop, you make my backbone feel cold. 
 
 Herman. Hush, my child. Soon you shall see her — a 
 damsel as fair and as beautiful as Venus, and who lacks 
 nothing but life to make her perfect. 
 
 Tommy. Say, pop, you ain't off your nanny, are you? 
 
 Herman {weird laugh) . Oho! They all think I'm crazy, 
 Tommy. See! I shall show you. Look! Look! 
 
 {Curtains of cabinet are drawn. Clarice, as doll, is dis- 
 closed with spotlight on her. Herman stands with out- 
 stretched hand pointing at her.) 
 
 Tommy. Gosh, all Friday, pop, but she's a peach! 
 (Clarice makes a wry face at Tommy.) Oh, look, pop; 
 she's makin' goo-goo faces at me. 
 
 Herman. Nonsense, child. Hush ! The moment has ar- 
 rived when by the power of this magic powder I shall sum- 
 mon His Majesty from Hades and will endow my wonderful 
 doll with the spark of life. 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 23 
 
 Tommy. Hold on, pop. Who did you say was comin'? 
 
 Herman (impatiently) . The Devil, my boy — the Devil. 
 
 Tommy. We'll have a hot time in the old town tonight, 
 won't we ? 
 
 Herman. Hush, I say — don't talk. Now I am ready. 
 But where shall I place my magic powder? (Looks about.) 
 Ah, yes — the fireplace. The fireplace is just the place for 
 the Devil. He'll feel at home in there. (Places powder in 
 fireplace, then feels in his pocket for a match.) 
 
 Clarice {wildly from cabinet, aside). Gracious good- 
 ness! He'll blow poor Bud sky high. 
 
 Tommy (shivering zvith fright). Oh, I smell brimstone 
 four feet thick. 
 
 Herman (with match, stooping over powder). Hush, 
 you will spoil it all. Now, King Pluto, I, Herman Heinie, 
 command you to appear. (Lights match and ignites pow- 
 der. Bud jumps from fireplace and strikes an attitude in 
 C. Red floodlight is thrown on him.) 
 
 Tommy (on knees zuith fright). Gosh, Mister Devil, 
 please fee good. Don't take me ; take pop. He's about all 
 in anyhow. 
 
 Bud (fo Tommy). Silence, slave ! (To Herman.) Well 
 you have sent for me and I am come. (Aside.) That sounds 
 like the Devil I think. 
 
 Herman. Yes, yes. Your Highness. But it didn't take 
 you so long as I expected to come from — from your home. 
 (Rubs hands together in his delight.) 
 
 Bud. No, not long. I travel fast. I'm a scorcher. Ha, 
 ha! I must have my joke, you know. 
 
 Tommy. Ha, ha! 
 
 Bud (turning on Tommy fiercely). Silence! (Tommy 
 yells and falls to floor.) 
 
 Herman. Your Highness, I cannot thank you — 
 
 Bud (interrupting). I am a busy man, and now that I 
 am come, what is your command? Remember, this is my 
 busy day. 
 
 Tommy. Well, don't let us keep you from any other en- 
 We're in no hurry, you know. 
 
24 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Herman. Hush, Tommy. Permit me to talk to His 
 Highness. {To Bud.) Your Highness, I have never had 
 the pleasure of meeting you before ; but I've heard of you 
 many, many times. 
 
 Bud {impatiently) . Come, come — don't keep me waiting. 
 I have a lot to do today. There are lots of people who are 
 not satisfied with this world, so I'm going to show them 
 where I live. 
 
 Herman {bozvs graz'cly). Sire, I have sent for you to 
 give life to — to yonder beautiful doll. Look, Sire. {Points 
 at doll.) 
 
 Bud {turning, looking at doll and forgetting his part). 
 Say, she is a pippin, isn't she? {Remembering his role, 
 quickly.) So, that is your desire, eh? Well, I shall grant 
 your wish upon one condition — one condition only. And 
 that is, that your soul becomes mine after your death. 
 (Herman staggers weakly hack.) 
 
 Tommy. You might as well say yes, pop. He'll get you 
 some day anyhow. 
 
 Herman. Your Highness, I consent. {Bozvs lozv.) 
 
 Bud. Swear it! 
 
 Herman. I do — solemnly do, Your Highness. {Raises 
 right hand.) 
 
 Bud. Good! Now shall I give life to your beautiful cre- 
 ation. (Bud goes to front of cabinet, makes hypnotic passes 
 at her. As he slozvly backs azvay she follozus him, moving as 
 though in a trance. Mnsic plays a dreamy zjualtz and Bud 
 and Clarice zvalt:^ about stage for several moments, Bud 
 finally zualtdng from stage, L. door, and leaving Clarice 
 at C. in rigid attitude, doll-like. Herman and Tommy go 
 to her and examine her closely.) 
 
 Herman {pm^ded). Tommy, my boy, I can't understand 
 this yet. She waltzes with the Devil, now she's a doll again, 
 and don't move yet. 
 
 Tommy. Pop, I think you got a bum steer. He did a 
 bum job. You better send for a plumber. 
 
 Herman. No, no, my boy ; it must be all right. It can't 
 go wrong now; it can't go wrong now. 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 25 
 
 Tommy. Pop, I think she needs winding up again. (Dis- 
 covers clock work on her hack, winds it. Effect of winding 
 ^ound can be produced from the wings with a ratchet. 
 Clarice moves one arm in jerky manner.) Oh, look, pop; 
 look. You got to crank her like a automobilly goat. 
 
 Herman (sadly). Ach, that is too bad. She is not per- 
 fect yet ; she is not perfect yet. 
 
 Tommy. No, pop, she ought to have a self-starter. (He 
 winds and Clarice gradually assumes a lifelike posture.) 
 
 Clarice (slowly coming to life, rubbing hands over eyes). 
 Oh, where am I? 
 
 Tommy (jumping about in glee). See, pop, see! She's 
 all right, and she's a woman, too, all right. 
 
 Herman. How do you know she is a woman, Tommy? 
 
 Tommy. 'Cause the first thing she does is ask a question. 
 
 Clarice. Oh, please, sir, tell me where I am. 
 
 Herman. Peace, my child. You are with friends. 
 
 Tommy. Sure. I'm your friend all right. (Chucks her 
 under the chin.) 
 
 Herman. Now, Tommy, don't get fresh by her. 
 
 Clarice. How strange I feel. It seems as though I had 
 been in this room before. And your face — (to Herman) — 
 I know I have seen it sometime — somewhere. (To Tommy.) 
 And yours — (breaks into a hearty laugh). Your face — ha, 
 ha, ha ! It is too funny. 
 
 Tommy (meanwhile has been laughing at Herman, now 
 realizes that she is making fun of him) . Aw, now you stop ! 
 
 Clarice. It seems so like a dream, and yet — 
 
 Herman. Yes, yes, child. Some day you shall know all 
 about it. Today is not yet the time yet. Go with Tommy. 
 Go into the garden with him. He has much to teach you. 
 You have much to learn. I got to stay here myself alone 
 yet and think it over. It is all too wonderful to believe. Go, 
 Tommy ! 
 
 Tommy (taking Clarice's hand). Come out in the gar- 
 den and I'll start you off with a couple of lessons. (Leads 
 her toward L. door.) 
 
 Herman (warningly). Careful, Tommy — don't stub your 
 
2fS THE SPARK OF LTFK 
 
 toe. (Clarice and Tommy laugh. Clarice suddenly as- 
 sumes a rigid, doll-like attitude.) 
 
 Tommy. Gosh, pop, she's stalled again. 
 
 Herman. Wind her up, Tommy ; wind her up. (Tommy 
 operates crank on her back and she regains gradually a life- 
 like, natural attitude.) 
 
 Tommy. Say, doll, there ain't no use tryin' to teach you 
 anything if your system's goin' to run down every few 
 minutes. 
 
 Clarice {at door L.). Oh, I feel better now. 
 
 Tommy {holding Clarice's hand — to Herman). Say, 
 pop, you made me a peach of a wife. 
 
 Herman {rubs hands delightedly together). Yes, yes, 
 my boy ; I know, I know. 
 
 Tommy. Then you'd better get busy and make yourself 
 a new one — you need one all right. (Tommy and Clarice 
 exeunt L., laughingly.) 
 
 Herman {gamng curiously all about room). Ach, it is 
 all so strange — so wonderful ! It is hard to realize my tri- 
 umph. Maybe yet I ain't alive any more. That's it. I died 
 and went to heaven. {Pauses in meditative manner.) No. 
 No, that can't be, either. I saw the Devil. He was shoost 
 here. The Devil wouldn't be in heaven. Heaven is the only 
 place where dreams come true, they say. And — {scratches 
 head reflectively) and my dream did come true. But I can't 
 be in heaven, because the Devil — ach, I got it. This must 
 be hell. {Sits at dining-table , thoughtfid pose.) I wonder 
 if it really is? {Loud crash off R., followed by Mrs. 
 Heinie's voice.) 
 
 Mrs. Heinie {off R.). Of all the shiftless creatures, 
 Toots Snodgrass, you're the worst. Go tell that good-for- 
 nothing master of yours that I want to talk to him — talk to 
 him — understand ? 
 
 Herman {nods his head zvisely, sighs). Yah, this is hell 
 all right. 
 
 Curtain. 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 27 
 
 Act II. 
 Scene: Same as Act I. Late afternoon, same day. 
 
 At rise, enter Peck, cautiously, L. Glances fearfully all 
 about. 
 
 Peck. Ah, nobody here again. Well, as there doesn't 
 seem to be any kick coming this time, I believe I'll make 
 another attempt to see Mr. Heinie. Lord, but I've had a 
 time of it this day. And I'm so hungry. (Sighs.) I won- 
 der what the chances are of getting a bite to eat. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (off R.). Plerman Heinie, where are you? 
 
 Peck (frightened). Oh. Lord — that woman again. She 
 mustn't see me. (Looks about for a hiding place, discovers 
 cabinet, runs to it, enters and closes curtains after him.) 
 
 Enter Mrs. Heinie, R. Looks suspiciously all about. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Humph! I never did see anything like 
 this in all my life — never ! Can't find anybody I want to find 
 to talk to. And when a woman in my position in life can't 
 talk, things have indeed come to a pretty pass. (Looks all 
 about.) There's something mighty mysterious going on in 
 this house. I don't seem to be in on the secrets, but I'm 
 going to be in or I'll know the reason why. (Looks at 
 cabinet.) There's that closet thing. Herman Heinie has 
 something locked up in there, and I'm going to see it — now 
 that I have a chance. (Starts for cabinet, then stops.) No, 
 I won't. I'm no spy. (Hesitates.) I'm no spy — but I'm 
 terribly curious. I guess if I took just one little peek 
 nobody would be the wiser. And, oh, I know I'd feel ever 
 so much better. So here goes! (She runs to cabinet, parts 
 curtains, disclosing Peck. Picture for a moment. Mrs. 
 Heinie screams. Peck jumps from cabinet, Mrs. Heinie 
 falls on her knees.) 
 
 Peck. Madam, I beg your pardon ! I — I really — 
 Mrs. Heinie. Oh, Mr. Robber, spare my life — spare my 
 life! 
 
28 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Peck. Certainly, madam. I don't want your life. Not 
 on your life ! 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Then please spare my money. I haven't 
 any, but please spare it anyhow. I am only a poor, weak 
 woman who has married beneath her station in life — 
 
 Peck (interrupting). Rise, woman, rise! (Lifts her to 
 her feet.) Did I understand you to say that you were mar- 
 ried? 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (sighs). I am, sir. 
 
 Peck. Who would ever believe it? So young, so fair, so 
 beautiful! (Sighs tenderly.) 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Of all the people I ever came in contact 
 with, you are the most candid, likewise the most unbiased. 
 What a wonderful judge of human nature you are. (Smirks 
 at him.) 
 
 Peck. I dare say. But I am wasting time — 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Sir! 
 
 Peck (bows humbly). Pray, don't misunderstand me. 
 madam. But I carhe here on business — not pleasure. (Bozvs 
 again.) 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (pleased). Oh, thank you, sir. (Bows.) 
 
 Peck. I came to see Mr. Herman Heinie. Would you 
 mind trying to locate him — I don't seem to be able to. I 
 have a most important business matter to present to him. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. I'm sure I can't imagine what important 
 business matter Herman Heinie could have with anybody. 
 However, to do you a favor, I shall try to find him at once. 
 I said I would try to find him at once. 
 
 Peck. Yes, I got you the first time, thank you. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. If you will remain here I shall go imme- 
 diately and try to find him. Go immediately and try to 
 find him. I shall be pleased to see you again, sir. (Starts 
 for R.) I said I shall be pleased to see you again, sir. 
 (Exit R.) 
 
 Peck. Humph! That woman can't think of things to 
 say quick enough, so she repeats what she's said before. 
 This is certainly a most extraordinary household — most 
 extraordinary. 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 29 
 
 Bud (off L.). Come on, dearie. Here I am; this way. 
 
 Peck (looking wildly about). Oh, Lord! Here comes that 
 fellow with, the husky kick. I must make myself scarce. 
 (Looks all about, then runs and hides under table, the cloth 
 covering him.) 
 
 Enter Bud and Clarice, L. He is in Mephisto and she 
 in doll costume. 
 
 Bud. Ah, there's nobody here. That's good. 
 
 Peck (sticks head out from under table). He's a liar, 
 but I am in no position to tell him so. 
 
 Clarice. Do you think, Bud, that everything is coming 
 along all right? 
 
 Bud. Immense. But, say, I've got an idea. Suppose we 
 have something to eat — just you and I. 
 
 Clarice. That's a good idea. What shall we have ? 
 
 Bud. Oh, just anything at all. Suppose you cook some- 
 thing, eh? 
 
 Clarice. Well, I'm not much of a cook. 
 
 Bud. I'll take a chance. 
 
 Clarice. But I've got a good cook book. Say, I have 
 it. We'll get the book and try cooking something from it. 
 
 Bud. Try? (Doubtfully.) Say, I'm really hungry, you 
 know. 
 
 Clarice (gets cook book from smull table, brings it back 
 to table, turns over leaves.) Now, let's see. Here's a recipe 
 for angel food. 
 
 Bud (laughs) . Well, would that be just the thing for me ? 
 
 Clarice. What more befitting food. would you ask, Your 
 Highness ? 
 
 Bud. Nothing but a lady kiss. (Kisses her. Peck 
 peeks out and makes a wry face.) 
 
 Clarice. If you don't behave you'll have to get a new 
 cook. (Gets large spoon, pan and dish from sideboard, 
 brings them to table.) You know, Bud, you must help. 
 (She goes to sideboard again. Bud, with arm about her, 
 goes with her.) 
 
 Bud (looking in sideboard). What the deuce do they put 
 
30 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 in angel food, anyhow ? Here's vinegar, catsup, shoe polish 
 — no, no; of course not. Brandy? GasoHne? 
 
 Clarice. Here, takes this and don't stand there like a 
 ninny. {She hands him package of flour, he takes it to 
 table. She takes two eggs and brings them to table.). 
 
 Bud {surveying things doubtfully) . Now, I suppose the 
 idea is to get those things together in some way. 
 
 Clarice. Yes, they must be gotten together — somehow. 
 
 Bud. Let's see what the good cook book says. {Reads 
 from book.) *Tut into one tumbler of flour one teaspoon- 
 ful of cream of tartar, then sift it five times." That's easy. 
 But where's your cream of tartar? 
 
 Clarice {goes to sideboard, gets can, comes back). Here 
 we are. 
 
 Bud {looking at can). Why, that's mustard. 
 
 Clarice {pouting). Well, that's the nearest thing we 
 have to cream of tartar. 
 
 Bud. Oh, that's near enough, dearie. Don't look so hurt. 
 {Dumps it into pan.) Now what's next? {Looks in book. 
 Reads.) "Beat to a froth the whites of eleven eggs." Say, 
 that's cruelty, you know. Tm not going to beat up a lot of 
 eggs if I never eat. 
 
 Clarice. Oh, go ahead. You can't afford to be so tender- 
 hearted. Here's the eggs. {Holds out two eggs.) 
 
 Bud. Only two? It says eleven here. 
 
 Clarice. Well, two are all we have. 
 
 Bud. Oh, I get the idea. I'll beat the two eggs twenty- 
 two times. That ought to be the same thing. 
 
 Clarice {admiringly). Bud, you missed your vocation. 
 You should have been a cook. 
 
 Bud. Oh, one can do most anything if they have to. Now 
 then, ch.uck in the flour. (Clarice ponrs flour in pan. Bud 
 stirs it, dips out a spoonfid. Peck pnts out head to sec 
 what is going on, and Bud lets spoonful drop on his head.) 
 You know, dear, I can taste this already. 
 
 Peck {furiously wiping off concoction). So can I. 
 
 Clarice. It's going to be good all right. 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 31 
 
 Bud. Now in go the eggs. (Breaks eggs and throws 
 shells and all into flour.) 
 
 Clarice. Now, Bud, you've made your first mistake. 
 
 Bud (anxiously). How? What mistake? 
 
 Clarice. You didn't beat your eggs. 
 
 Bud. Humph! Leave it to me. I'll beat the living shucks 
 out of 'em. (Grabs spoon and vigorously begins to stir 
 flour, which flies all about.) 
 
 Clarice (coughing, choking, etc.). Bud, Bud, stop! 
 
 Peck (coughs loudly). Oh, Lord! 
 
 Bud (business of searching and finally discovers Peck, 
 brings him out by one ear). Oh, look. Here's another cook. 
 Too many cooks spoil the angel food. 
 
 Peck. I beg your pardon — 
 
 Bud. Oh, no, you won't. You'll get out of here and do 
 it quick. (Runs Peck out of door L., Peck holding back 
 and loudly protesting.) 
 
 Clarice. Well, of all things. How did that man get 
 in under that table? 
 
 Bud. Don't know how he got tinder, but I've an idea 
 how he got out. (Looks at pan of flour, scratches head 
 doubtfully.) I don't see much there in the way of success, 
 do you? 
 
 Clarice. No, it's doubtful. We'll have to try something 
 else. 
 
 Bud. All right. (Kisses her.) 
 
 Clarice. You mustn't do that. Bud. Somebody might 
 come in while you are doing that. We must be careful. 
 
 Bud (with arm about her waist). You're right, sweet- 
 heart. We must be very careful. (Kisses her.) 
 
 Enter Herman from R. 
 
 Herman (falling back in astonishment). Oh, excuse 
 me — I didn't know — 
 
 Bud. Oh, that's all right. (Retaining her hand and tak- 
 ing out his zvatch.) 
 
 Clarice (aside to Bud). There! The mischief is done. 
 
 Bud (to Herman). You see, Mr. Heinie. I am merely 
 
32 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 taking the young woman's pulse to determine whether or 
 not her circulation is normal. 
 
 Herman. By golly, has she got a pulse yet ? 
 
 Bud. Has she got a pulse? It's doing a hundred and 
 fifty right now. 
 
 Herman. So? Why, dots exceeding de speed limit. 
 
 Bud. I guess Tommy wound her up too tight. 
 
 Clarice. Tommy thinks I'm an alarm clock. 
 
 Bud. By the way, Mr. Heinie, is your wife about? I 
 should Hke to meet her. 
 
 Herman (comedy expression on face). You — you should 
 like to meet my wife? 
 
 Bud. Certainly, Is there any reason why I shouldn't? 
 
 Herman (chuckles). No, Your Highness. On the con- 
 trary, there is every reason in the world why you should. 
 Wait, I shall be very glad to inform her that the Devil 
 wants her. (Bows and exits R.) 
 
 Clarice. Oh, Bud, if she should recognize us. I tremble 
 at the thought. 
 
 Bud. Don't do any trembling while Bud's on the job. 
 
 Enter Peck, L. Woe-hegone manner. 
 
 Peck, I beg your pardon — 
 
 Bud. Say, are you here yet or again? 
 
 Peck, I told you I would return. When does the mas- 
 querade take place? 
 
 Bud. Say, this is the second time you've butted in here. 
 
 Peck. Young man, you're a poor mathematician. You 
 haven't kept a very good account of my buttin'-ins. I'm get- 
 ting awfully tired, too. I can't get a hearing. Besides, take 
 a look at my coat. (Turns and exhibits large tear in hack 
 of coat.) A crazy girl with a broom did that. 
 
 Clarice. Poor man! 
 
 Bud. Poor nothing! (To Peck.) Now you get out of 
 here — quick ! 
 
 Peck. But, my dear sir — 
 
 Bud. But nothing. And don't butt in here again — un- 
 derstand? (Runs Peck out door L.) 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 33 
 
 Clarice. Gracious! Wonder who he can be? 
 Bud. Don't know — don't care. Just now we have oth.er 
 business on hand. p^^^ re-enter L. 
 
 Peck. I go, but I'll see you later. {Exit L.) 
 Enter Herman and Mrs. Heinie, R. 
 
 Herman. Your Highness — 
 
 Mrs. Heinie {interrupting with a scream). What on 
 earth is this? 
 
 Herman. Calm yourself, my dear. It is only the Devil. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Oh, dear! Oh, dear! This all comes in 
 marrying a man so far beneath you in social standing. But 
 it is all a joke. It can't be really and truly — 
 
 Herman {pompously). My dear, permit me to introduce 
 to you his most august Majesty — the Devil! Mr. Devil, 
 Mrs. Heinie. 
 
 Bud {zvith outstretched hand). Delighted to meet you, 
 I am sure. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie {taking his hand nervously) . I'm — I'm — 
 
 Herman {aside). By golly! She's almost speechless. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie {pointing at Clarice). And that — that per- 
 son. Who is she? 
 
 Clarice {indignantly). Person! How dare you, madam! 
 
 Bud {aside to Clarice). Now, now; easy on the rough 
 stuff. 
 
 Herman. She's another surprise for you, my dear. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Humph! She looks like a ballet dancer. 
 
 Herman {clearing his throat). Ahem, my dear. You 
 do not understand. Can't you guess — can't you see? It is 
 she — my Masterpiece. Endowed with life. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. What! Nonsense! Impossible! 
 
 Bud. It is true, my dear madam. Your husband is a 
 genius. And you, most gracious of women, must surely 
 have been the inspiration for his wonderful art. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (.ywi/^^, flattered). Oh, Your Majesty, 
 {Bows.) 
 
 Herman {to Bud). Nay, nay, Your Highness. The 
 credit belongs most to you yet. 
 
34 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Yes, I'll warrant you it does. You never 
 were any account and never will be. I said, you never were 
 any account and never will be. (Suddenly.) But look at 
 your Masterpiece. (Clarice has ineantime assumed a rigid 
 attitude. Bud operates crank and she gradually returns to 
 life again.) 
 
 Clarice. Madam, you do your noble husband an injus- 
 tice. He is a grand and wonderful man. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Humph! I don't think much of you as a 
 critic. I said, I don't think much of you as a critic. Some- 
 body has to wind you up every little while. 
 
 Herman. They don't have to you, my dear. (To Mrs. 
 Heinie.) But aside from all this, if it were not for me 
 you would never have had the opportunity of being intro- 
 duced to royalty. (Indicates Bud.) 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (gushingly) . Oh, I have long dreamed of 
 that exquisite pleasure, but I had the great misfortune to 
 marry beneath my real station in Hfe, consequently — 
 
 Bud (interrputing) . Say no more, madam. One can see 
 that at a glance. (Throws a meaning look at Herman.) 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (smiling and smirking at Bud). Oh, Your 
 Highness ; you flatter me. 
 
 Toots enters from R., stands at back C, zvatching scene 
 closely. 
 
 Bud (to Mrs. Heinie). And now, madam, with your 
 permission, I am going to ask your husband to have his 
 wonderful doll dance for our entertainment. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (graciously). I am quite sure that you 
 know what is best. Your Highness. (Looks scornfully at 
 Herman.) 
 
 (Clarice introduces a song and dance specialty.) 
 Bud (to Mrs. Heinie, after specialty). Come, my dear 
 lady. Permit me to ofifer you my arm, and we will stroll in 
 the garden. (He hoivs gallantly, she takes his arm and 
 they walk slowly toward door L.) You and I have much 
 in common, dear lady. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (at door L.). Oh, Your Majesty. You arc 
 so delightful. 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 35 
 
 Bud. Come, let us stroll. {They exeunt L.) 
 
 Herman {following them to door). Yes — and keep on 
 strolling. {Turns to Clarice.) My wife has found her 
 affinity at last. {Chuckles.) 
 
 Clarice {indignantly). If he thinks I'm going to stand 
 for that, I'll show him. {Stamps foot.) 
 
 Herman {to Clarice). No, no, my dear. You are not 
 for him. Fate has decreed that you shall wed my boy. 
 Tommy. 
 
 Toots, at back C, now for the first time moves. Places 
 a hand on her heart and almost faints. 
 
 Clarice {to Herman). What? Me marry that brain- 
 less, freckle-faced, knock-kneed,, loose-jointed, overgrown, 
 country lout of a bumpkin? 
 
 Herman. Well, aside of the few things you have men- 
 tioned, he's a nice boy, ain't he? 
 
 Clarice. I don't want to marry anybody. {Cries.) I 
 hate — hate everybody. I'm going back and be a doll again. 
 I'm — I'm — 
 
 Herman {soothingly). There, there. You mustn't cry. 
 Everything will be all right yet. You have already been 
 alive a few moments yet, and you are crying already. Wait 
 till you have been in this old world a few years yet, and 
 then maybe you will find plenty to cry about. {Pats her 
 hand tenderly.) Come; come with me. We'll take a walk 
 on the outside and look at God's sunshine, His flowers and 
 Flis trees, and we'll listen to His birds sing. You know, 
 I ain't the only one that makes nice things. God makes 'em, 
 too. Yes, my child. God makes some awfully nice things. 
 {They exeunt L., his arm around her.) 
 
 Toots {coming dozim C, stares after them in astonish- 
 ment). Well, I'll be doggoned ! If this ain't a lunatical 
 asylum, then I'm a last year's bird's nest. Now, that one 
 man was Mr. Devil, and that female gal — where in a six- 
 teen — acre lot did she come from? 
 
 Enter Peck, L. One eye is blackened and he presents a 
 generally disheveled appearance. 
 Peck. I beg your pardon — 
 
36 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Toots. And here's another. Oh, gosh! 
 
 Peck. I say, I beg your pardon. Do you see this eye. 
 (Indicates blackened eye.) 
 
 Toots. Uh — uh ! 
 
 Peck. Now I'm going to tell you something — 
 
 Toots (interrupting). 'Tain't no use. I'll laugh before 
 you start. 
 
 Peck (angrily). This is a fine place — a fine place, I 
 must say. 
 
 Toots. Say, if you ain't full of admiration for it, you 
 can hit the long and dusty high road forthwith.. And to 
 make certain that you don't miss it, I'll herewith give you 
 full and precise directions as to how to reach it; also a 
 flying start. (Comedy chase, with him going through door 
 L., she coming back to C.) Gosh all fish hooks! Between 
 one thing and the next thing to it, the squirrels will be fol- 
 lowing me purty soon. Humph ! Toots Snodgrass, your 
 lovin' disposition has been spoiled. That purty gal is going 
 to marry Tommy. That's cause I ain't got money and fine 
 clothes. But I got a idea. That summer boarder that was 
 here last summer and couldn't pay her board, left a lot of 
 swell clothes. I'm a-goin' to dress up flashier than a band 
 on a nickel see-gar ; then we'll see. I ain't had much money 
 in all my life. Once I had $12, all at one and the same 
 time, and the house got so full of microbes from so much, 
 money that I had to spend $3 for powder to kill 'em ofif. 
 Ever since then I've been so broke that the kids on the 
 street stop and give me their pennies. But you just wait till 
 I tog myself out in them fine clothes. I'll show 'em. 
 
 Enter Tommy, R. He goes behind Toots. 
 
 Tommy (sharply). Boo! 
 
 Toots (badly frightened, falls on knees, covers face with 
 hands). Oh. please, good, kind Mr. Devil, don't take me — 
 don't take me. I don't want to play in your yard. 
 
 Tommy (jumping about in glee). Oh, I scart you; I 
 scart you. 
 
 Toots (looking about at him). You never did. I knew 
 it was you all the time, smarty. (Rises.) But I'm kinder 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 37 
 
 nervous today. I never did see so much goin's on, even in 
 a circus. Say, Tommy, th.e Devil was here. 
 
 Tommy. Oh, you ain't got nothin' on me. I seen him 
 when he first came in. Besides, he's a most particular 
 friend of mine. Pop invited him to come here and pay us 
 a visit. 
 
 Toots. Gosh, sakes ! He ain't a regular Devil, is he ? 
 
 Tommy. Yep. Got horns, hoofs — and gosh how he 
 smells of brimstone — just perzactly like a match. 
 
 Toots (looking around in affright). Well, I ain't done 
 nothin' to be ashamed of. 
 
 Tommy. And did you see that purty gal? 
 
 Toots. Uh, — uh ! 
 
 Tommy. That's my wife. (Proudly strutting about.) 
 
 Toots. What ! 
 
 Tommy. Well, not just now; but she's goin' ter be. 
 
 Toots. O, Tommy! 
 
 Tommy. And then pop's goin' to buy me a honeymoon 
 and a stork. 
 
 Toots. A honeymoon and a what? 
 
 Tommy. A stork. Don't you know what a stork is? 
 That's something that comes around with a long bill. 
 
 Toots. Oh, you mean the groceryman. But say. Tommy, 
 you ought to hear what that purty gal called you. Why, 
 she called you everything in the directory, from cover to 
 cover. Said you was knock-kneed, frog-eyed, freckle-faced, 
 skinny, bow-legged, brainless and a country bumpkin. 
 
 Tommy. Well, maybe I am. I don't care. 
 
 Toots (takes an orange from table and starts to eat it). 
 Well, you are all right, and she cares. 
 
 Tommy (tries to snatch orange). Give me that orange. 
 How dare you eat a orange when I want to eat a orange. 
 
 Toots. That ain't your orange; that's my orange. I'm 
 goin' to eat my orange. 
 
 Tommy. That's my orange and you can't eat my orange 
 when I want to eat my orange. 
 
 Toots. Well, what'U we do? There's only one orange 
 and there's two of us. 
 
38 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Tommy. I know. The one who tells the biggest lie gets 
 the orange. 
 
 Toots. All right. You start. 
 Tommy. Well, one time — 
 
 Enter Herman, L. 
 
 Herman. Hello, children. What are you doing yet? 
 
 Tommy. We're tryin' to see who gets this orange. If I 
 tell a bigger lie than Toots, I get it, and if Toots tells a 
 bigger lie than me, she gets it. 
 
 Herman. Tut, tut, children. You shouldn't tell lies. 
 Under no circumstances is one justified in telling lies. Now. 
 I never told a lie in all my life. 
 
 Toots {to Tommy). Tommy, give your paw the orange. 
 (Tommy gk'es orange to Herman. Tommy and Toots 
 laugh heartily and exeunt R.) 
 
 Herman {sinking wearily into chair). Ach, I don't 
 know what to make of that doll. Sometimes I think I ain't 
 got yet the real spark of life. She runs down and then I 
 got to crank her up like a auto. Shoost now in the garden 
 I cranked her and she run away — so fast I couldn't catch 
 her. Maybe she don't come back no more. 
 
 Enter Peck, L. His collar hangs loosely, torn from 
 button. 
 
 Peck. I beg your pardon — 
 
 Herman {excitedly, to feet). So, 'tis you, you scoundrel. 
 Have you seen my doll? 
 
 Peck {wearily). Have I seen your what? 
 
 Herman. My doll; my doll. 
 
 Peck. Say, do you mean to tell me that an old man like 
 you plays with dolls? 
 
 Herman {patiently). Say, please, I am asking you — 
 don't laugh at me — I am asking you a civilized question yet. 
 Have you seen my doll? 
 
 Peck. I have not. And furthermore, I haven't seen your 
 kite, your marbles or your top, or any of your other little 
 playthings. Now I want to ask you something. Have you 
 seen my coat? {Turns and exhibits torn coat.) And then 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 39 
 
 again, I want to ask you if you have seen this eye? (Indi- 
 cates blackened eye.) 
 
 Herman. Ach, I care not for those things, sir. 
 
 Peck. Well, perhaps the awful condition of my linen 
 may appeal to you. (Indicates torn collar.) 
 
 Herman. Bah! All those things are mere trifles com- 
 pared to my troubles. I think I discover the spark of life 
 which animates my Masterpiece ; but, presto, I am deceived. 
 It is not so yet. (Rises, angrily.) And you — you are the 
 one who is responsible. You come to steal. I was warned, 
 but too late. Now, go. Go bring back my doll or I shall 
 make you trouble. 
 
 Peck (laughs in sickly fashion). You make me trouble? 
 YouF After showing you my coat, my eye, my linen; after 
 going all day without a bite to eat; after getting kicked 
 out of here a dozen times or more. You make me trouble ? 
 Bah! You can't do it. 
 
 Herman. Very well. I shall prove it. (Herman grabs 
 Peck and runs him off L. Returns to table, sinks in chair 
 and buries his face in his arins.) 
 
 Enter Mrs. Heinie^ R. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Well, now what seems to be the matter? 
 Have you lost all ambition? 
 
 Herman (sadly). Yes — and my doll too yet. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Well, I'm glad of it, for my part. (Sud- 
 denly and looking around.) Have you seen His Highness? 
 Did he come in here ? I seem to have lost him. 
 
 Herman. You lost him and I lost my doll. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Oh, I shall find him again, never fear, 
 
 Herman. Sure you wnll — some day. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. I think, without exception, that he's the 
 grandest man I ever met. So kind, so thoughtful, and he 
 uses such exquisite language. (Sighs.) Ah, that I had 
 only met him years ago. 
 
 Herman (sadly). I echo your wish with all my heart. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Oh, why couldn't you have been more like 
 His Majesty? 
 
40 . THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Herman. It is true, my dear, that we are not well 
 matched. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Well, whose fault is it? You've always 
 declared that matches were made in heaven. 
 
 Herman. True, my dear; I said that. But in our case 
 there must have been a mistake made in delivering the 
 
 §°°^^- Enter Bud. L. 
 
 Bud {to Mrs. Heinie). Ah, my dear Mrs. Heinie, there 
 you are. I've been searching the garden and the grounds 
 for you. So sorry I missed you. {Takes her hand.) 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (graciously). Pray, don't apologize, Your 
 Majesty. 
 
 Bud {toying zuith her hand). I was just commencing to 
 thoroughly enjoy our little tete-a-tete when I was called to 
 the long distance telephone. 
 
 Herman. Is — is your residence connected by phone? 
 
 Bud. Oh, yes. In fact, every phone is connected with. 
 — well, you take my word for it. In other words, you have 
 a Halifax of a time whenever you use a phone. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie {to Bud). Your Highness, shall we again 
 stroll in the garden? 
 
 Bud {still toying with her hand). Nothing, I assure you. 
 dear lady, would give me more pleasure than to stroll in the 
 garden with you. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Oh, how nicely you put things. Your 
 Highness. I'm quite sure you know what is best. 
 
 Herman. Say, I hope I ain't intruding here? 
 
 Bud {toying with her hand). Oh, no; don't mind us. 
 {To her.) Come. Let us go where we may be alone. 
 
 Herman. And stroll. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie {at door L., with Bud). Yes, we will go 
 where we may be — alone. (Bud and Mrs. Heinie exeunt 
 L., much interested in each other.) 
 
 Herman {chuckles). I hope he strolls so far it'll be 
 nearer his home than mine. 
 
 Clarice enters R., just in time to see Bud's exit with 
 Mrs. Heinie. 
 
 II 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 41 
 
 Clarice (angrily). So that is the way the wind blows, 
 is it? 
 
 Herman (eagerly). You — you come back again. Ach, 
 I am glad. You see those two? 
 
 Clarice. Yes, I see those two. Do you suppose I am 
 going to permit an affair of that kind to bud and blossom? 
 
 Herman. My dear, the Devil is entirely welcome to the 
 harvest he reaps. 
 
 Clarice (half crying). I'll not stand it. I'll put a stop 
 to it. I will — so there ! 
 
 Enter Tommy, R. He carries a large horse pistol. 
 
 Tommy. I'll fix that robber if he comes monkeying 
 around here. (Flourishes pistol. He and Herman confer 
 aside. ) 
 
 Clarice (aside). I've an idea. I'll make desperate love 
 to Tommy. He's making love to Mrs. Heinie, and I'll just 
 play even. (Calls to Tommy.) Oh, Tommy, come here. 
 
 Tommy. Eh? 
 
 Clarice. Come here,, you dear sweet boy. Where have 
 you been ? I've been dreadfully lonesome without you. (Sits 
 on table, feet swinging hack and forth.) Oh, come, now; 
 don't be bashful. I want to talk to you. 
 
 Tommy (bashfully hanging back). Oh, I don't want to. 
 
 Herman (pushing Tommy toward Clarice). Go on. 
 Tommy boy. Never be out when Opportunity knocks. Op- 
 portunity in this case is a very charming girl. As for me, 
 I go and give Opportunity a chance. (Exits L.) 
 
 Clarice (looking after Herman pityingly). Poor old 
 man. I hope we are doing the right thing. (To Tommy.) 
 Come here — sit close beside me. 
 
 Tommy (hanging hack). I gotta look for that robber. 
 (Flourishes pistol.) 
 
 Clarice (startled). Robber? What robber? 
 
 Tommy. Why, that robber that's hangin' around here 
 tryin' to steal you. 
 
 Clarice (frightened) . My gracious — 
 
 Tommy. Oh, don't be scart — I'm here. 
 
42 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Clarice (nervously). Yes, I know, Tommy, but — why 
 — why should he want to steal me ? 
 
 Tommy (silly laugh). Gee, gosh ! Any man'd like to steal 
 a peach like you. 
 
 Clarice (laughingly) . Oh, you flatterer. 
 
 Tommy. I ain't no flathead. You know, that robber 
 thinks you're a doll yet. 
 
 Clarice. I see. And if I were a doll and he should steal 
 me, he could probably sell me for a lot of money. 
 
 Tommy. Yes, of course he could. But I guess I better 
 wind you up again. (Turns crank on her back.) 
 
 Clarice (laughs). I'll run for a while yet. But Fm glad 
 that I'm not a doll. Tommy — for your sake. Come here. 
 
 Tommy (bashful comedy walk to her. When near her 
 he takes a pin from his coat and jabs it into the calf of her 
 limb.) There! 
 
 Clarice (screams, jumps from table, rubs ankle, etc.). 
 Oh, you bad, bad boy. 
 
 Tommy (grins). Did it hurt? 
 
 Clarice. Certainly it hurt. What made you do it? 
 
 Tommy. I wanted to see if you leaked any sawdust. 
 
 Clarice. The idea. I haven't any sawdust in my — well, 
 anyhow it hurt. (Climbs back on table.) 
 
 Tommy. And ain't you got a lot of wheels inside some- 
 where? (Lays pistol on table.) Or in your head or some 
 place? (Feels of her head.) 
 
 Enter Toots from R. She carries a dishpan and towel. 
 Stops short in surprise. 
 
 Clarice. Why, no, Tommy. I guess I'm just like other 
 folks around here. (Discovers Toots. Smiles knowingly.) 
 (Toots takes position at back C. Watches curiously.) 
 
 Tommy. You're a whole lot purtier than Toots, and a 
 heap nicer. (Puts arm about her zvaist.) 
 
 (Toots drops dishpan to floor zvith a crash, then runs 
 and hides behind chimney corner. Clarice and Tommy 
 huddle together in fright for a moment, then Tommy grabs 
 pistol and zvhirls about, flourishing pistol.) 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 43 
 
 Clarice. Be careful, Tommy. 
 
 Tommy (closing eyes and flourishing pistol). Throw up 
 your hands, you gosh blamed robber. I got ye covered. 
 
 Clarice {looking cautiously all about). Why, Tommy, 
 there's nobody here. 
 
 Tommy {shaking with fright hut speaking boastfully). 
 Well, it's a mighty lucky thing for them there isn't. I'd a 
 shot his head off and thrown it in his face. 
 
 Clarice {laughs). I need have no fear when you are 
 around. Come here and sit down. (Tommy gets hack on 
 table beside her.) So you think I'm prettier than Toots, do 
 you? 
 
 Tommy. Oh, mucher. You got purtier clothes and hair 
 and everything. 
 
 Toots sticks head from behind chimney corner. Bud 
 enters from L. Starts in surprise. He is unseen by others. 
 
 Bud {aside). Well, I'll be darned. 
 
 Clarice {suddenly discovering Bud, aside) . Aha! Bud's 
 here. {To Tommy.) You know, Tommy, I didn't think so 
 much of you at first, but now — now I think you're the nicest 
 boy I ever met. (Bud shakes fist. Toots makes zvry face.) 
 
 Tommy {silly laugh). Gosh! And I think you're the 
 slickest gal I ever met. (Toots makes another grimace.) 
 
 Clarice. I'm so glad you like me. {Strokes his face.) 
 
 Tommy. Say, what's your name, anyhow. 
 
 Clarice. My name? Oh, you may call me Baby Doll. 
 ( Comedy business by Bud and Toots at mention of name. ) 
 
 Tommy. Baby Doll! Say, that's a humdinger of a name. 
 You know. Baby Doll, there's a fellow comes around here 
 to see my cousin, Clarice. His name is Bud Barlow. And 
 Bud's a purty slick chap, too. Lots of people can't tell Bud 
 from me, only I'm a purtier fellow than him. 
 
 Clarice. Well, I should say you were. {Comedy busi- 
 ness by Bud.) 
 
 Tommy {suspiciously). How do you know? 
 
 Clarice {confusedly). Well, I — I — know that no man 
 could be as handsome as you are, darling. {Pats his cheek.) 
 
44 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Tommy. Gosh! That tickles good. (Business by Bud 
 and Toots.) 
 
 Clarice. But why did you speak of this person? What 
 did you say his name was? 
 
 Tommy. Bud Barlow. 
 
 Clarice. My, what a common, vulgar name. (Bud 
 gasps.) 
 
 Tommy. I spoke of him, Baby Doll — gosh, but that's 
 a purty name. I like to say that name. I spoke of Bud 
 Barlow because he's a purty slick chap with the gals, and Ij 
 I thought maybe he'd come around here and cut me out " ' 
 with you. 
 
 Clarice. He hasn't a chance in the world. (Bud shakes t 
 fist.) I 
 
 Tommy. He thinks he's smart, but he ain't. He only 
 thinks he is. (Clarice laughs. Bud frowns.) 
 
 Clarice. You are such a funny boy. But — but you 
 haven't done anything yet. 
 
 Tommy {puzzled, looking about). Done anythin'? Wadda 
 you mean, done anythin'? 
 
 Clarice. You know what I mean. {Puckers iip lips.) 
 You — you haven't kissed me yet. {Astounded business by 
 Bud and Toots.) 
 
 Tommy. Gosh! How'd you know there was anything 
 like a kiss? You ain't been alive only a few hours. 
 
 Clarice. I don't know, but I'm willing to take a chance. 
 {Puckers lips. Bud and Toots display anger.) 
 
 Tommy {bashfully). I — I ain't used to doin' anythin' 
 like this on such a short notice. 
 
 Clarice. But I insist. 
 
 Tommy. Did you ever have a kiss before? 
 
 Clarice {slowly and impressively). No. I was never 
 kissed before in all my life. (Bud throws up both hands. 
 Tommy leads Clarice to L. door.) 
 
 Tommy. You know, Baby Doll, you get ready like you'd 
 been on the job before sometime. {Wipes his lips with 
 back of hand.) Now this is going to tickle a whole lot. 
 (Clarice and Tommy exeunt L. door, followed by Bud.) 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 45 
 
 Enter Herman from R., closely followed by Mrs. Heinie. 
 Swift action to finish. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie {excitedly). Don't tell me to go — well, 
 where you told me to go. I want you to distinctly under- 
 stand that I am boss of this house. Understand, boss of 
 this house. 
 
 Herman. You can be the boss ; I don't care. All I want 
 is my Masterpiece. She is gone. {Looks wildly about, 
 wringing hands.) 
 
 Toots {coming from hiding place). That there doll just 
 went down the road there lickity-split. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. And His Royal Highness? 
 
 Toots. Was after her likewise lickity-split. 
 
 Herman {going towards door L.). Ach, I must go after 
 her. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. And I — I must go after him — my Royal 
 Prince. {They exeunt L., hurriedly.) 
 
 Toots {going to door and looking out). There goes the 
 doll, Tommy, Mr. and Mrs. Heinie — and the Devil is after 
 'em all. Ain't he just splen-did? 
 
 Enter Dora Mee and Peck from R. Toots conceals 
 herself. 
 
 Peck {to Dora). Ah, my darling, no matter what comes 
 of my visit here, I shall have ample reward for all my mis- 
 fortunes in the fact that you love me and that I love you. 
 
 Dora. Oh, but this is so sudden. 
 
 Peck {puts an arm about her waist). Don't let that 
 worry you. It is always sudden when a love like ours oc- 
 curs. Come. Let us stroll in the garden, where we may 
 escape this din and be alone. 
 
 Dora {comic sigh). Yes, I love to be alone — with you, 
 dear Henry. {They exeunt L., in comic love-making man- 
 ner. Toots comes from hiding place, looks after them.) 
 
 Toots. Oh, gosh! Some more "mush." What's the 
 matter with this house today? Everybody's got it but me. 
 As for me, my lovin' disposition has sure got an awful jolt. 
 {Goes to dining table.) And Tommy — Tommy said as how 
 
46 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 I wasn't purty and didn't have no fine clothes. But I'll show 
 him. I'll tog up and paint my face — and be a real lady. 
 {Sinks into a chair, elbows on table, with deep emotion.) 
 I'll be there, Tommy Tucker. I'll be there with bells on, and 
 every one a-ringin' ! 
 
 Curtain. 
 
 Act hi. 
 
 Exterior of Herman's house. Early evening. Set house 
 with practical steps R. Back wood drop or meadow viezv. 
 Picket fence across the back with gate opening at C. Garden 
 bench down L. of C. Hammock swung at L. On porch 
 there are three or four flower pots for Herman to break. 
 
 At rise, enter Herman through gate at C. He stops and 
 looks off R. and L., sighs wearily and crosses to porch steps 
 and pauses. 
 
 Herman. It ain't no use yet. My Masterpiece is gone. 
 Stolen by that robber. Ach, all my labor gone for nothing 
 — all for nothing. My wife is right. I am shoost a good- 
 for-nothing. Shoost a good-for-nothing. (Goes wearily 
 up steps and into house.) 
 
 Enter Bud gate. Comes down to bench, after first glanc- 
 ing cautiously all about. 
 
 Bud. Well, I guess I played the Devil all right, all right. 
 And I certainly balled up everything in fine shape. (Sits on 
 bench.) Now everybody hates everybody they shouldn't, 
 and everybody loves everybody they shouldn't. Clarice has 
 thrown me over for Tommy, Tommy has Toots crying her 
 eyes out, Mrs. Heinie is madly in love with, the Devil, poor 
 old Mr. Heinie is nearer crazy than he has ever been, the 
 gentleman with the butt-in habit has still got it, and — oh, 
 it's a fine mess. (Rises and zvaves arms despairingly.) A 
 fine mess! But I'm not beaten yet. I am going to appoint 
 myself chairman of the Squaring Committee, and set things 
 right again. So keep both eyes on the regular chairman 
 of the All Right League. 
 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 47 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (inside house). Toots Snodgrass, where 
 are you? Go find His Royal Highness and ask him to join 
 me in the garden. (Appears on porch at finish of speech.) 
 
 Bud (aside). Gee whiz! I've just appointed myself 
 chairman of the All Right League, and — look who's here. 
 (Takes off hat with a gallant flourish and salutes her.) Ah, 
 good evening, Mrs. Heinie. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (at foot of steps, coldly). Oh, so it's you, 
 is it? 
 
 Bud (cheerfully) . Surest thing you know, ma'am. But — 
 have you lost something? Perhaps I might be of some assist- 
 ance to you. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (walks tozvard gate, pauses half zvay, freez- 
 ingly). The only possible assistance you can ever give me, 
 Mr. Bud Barlow, is to remove your presence from my sight 
 — forever! (Exits through gate, turning L. and off. Bud 
 stares after her in amazement.) 
 
 Enter Tommy from house, stumbles down steps and 
 starts towards gate, whistling loudly. 
 
 Bud. Hey, Tommy ; wait a minute. I want to whisper 
 in your ear. 
 
 Tommy (edging towards gate). Ain't got a second. Got 
 to find my wife. Besides, we don't want you hanging 
 around here. Scat! (Dashes out gate, turns L and off.) 
 
 Bud (recoils in astonishment, then laughs good na- 
 turedly). I'm starting out great. I really believe I am going 
 to like my new job. Ah, somebody else comes. 
 
 Enter Herman from house, down steps slowly. 
 
 Herman. Oh, it's you, eh, Bud? You ain't seen my — 
 no, no, she's gone. Nobody will ever see her again. (Starts 
 for gate.) 
 
 Bud (eagerly). Just a moment, Mr. Heinie; please, just 
 a moment. 
 
 Herman (not turning). Got no time yet, Bud. I got 
 to keep on and on until I find her again. Maybe I can see 
 you later yet. (Passes through gate, turns L. and off.) 
 
 Bud (pauses for effect, then suddenly). Well, can you 
 
48 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 beat it? rm going to rehearse a couple of swear words in 
 just a minute. Yes, I think for a starter I'll say damn. 
 Damn! {Sighs with relief .) There. I feel much better. 
 
 Enter Clarice, down porch steps. Comes on just in time 
 to overhear him say ''damn." She starts for gate with dis- 
 dainful toss of her head. 
 
 Bud {discovering her). Clarice, my darling. At last I — 
 
 Clarice {coldly). Mr. Barlow! How dare you — {at- 
 temps to pass). 
 
 Bud {places a detaining hand on her arm). Oh, please — 
 just a moment — 
 
 Clarice {throws off his hand). Mr. Barlow, you forget 
 yourself! {She tosses head disdainfidly, then haughtily 
 sweeps by him, passes through gate, turning R. and off. 
 Bud fairly staggers in amazement to bench, sinks weakly 
 on it.) 
 
 Bud. Holy griddle cakes! What a jolt for the merry 
 chairman! Gee, I seem to be as popular about here as an 
 Indian with the smallpox. {Pauses.) I wonder if that 
 display of peevishness was on the square? {Groans.) Oh, 
 but what a jolly mess I've made of things. 
 
 Enter Dora from L., runs through gate to porch, discov- 
 ers Bud and stops abruptly. 
 
 Dora. Oh, hello! I hope I see you well. 
 
 Bud {zvearily). And I hope you get your hope. {As if 
 struck with a sudden thought.) Say, wait a moment, Dora — 
 
 Dora. No time, Mr. Barlow. I came to borrow a tgg. 
 See you after a while. Ta-ta! {Runs rapidly into house.) 
 
 Bud. Humph ! Even she won't stop and talk to me. 
 {Rises suddenly, yanks off coat and rolls up sle^eves in a, 
 business-like manner.) Now, I am real angry. I'm going 
 to make a bet with, myself that the next person is going to 
 talk to me or get his hair mussed. 
 
 Enter Peck from L. at back of fence. Goes to gate and 
 stands staring at Bud, a pathetic figure. 
 
 Peck {mournfully). I beg your pardon — 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 49 
 
 Bud (whirls about, facing Peck). Well, I'll be — \ 
 Peck. I really and honestly beg your pardon. * 
 
 Bud. So you've butted in here again, have you? Now 
 shall I come to you and cave in your jaw, or will you have 
 the kindness to come to me? 
 
 Peck (leaning wearily against fence). I have "butted-in," 
 as you call it, once more. But I am afraid I cannot do it 
 many more times. My constitution is not what it used to 
 be, sir. Look me over. (Turns slowly about for Bud's 
 inspection.) However, I do not complain. I have always 
 been faithful to any trust imposed on me, and I — however, 
 I waste my time with you. I desire to see Mr. Heinie. 
 
 Bud. Delighted, I am sure. (Close to Peck.) Mr. 
 Heinie just went in that direction. (Points L.) The very 
 same direction that you are going in now. (Grabs him by 
 coat collar and seat of trousers and runs him off L. Comes 
 back to bench and sits down.) There! I feel much bqtter 
 now. 
 
 Enter Dora from hou^e with egg in her hand, runs down 
 steps to gate, pauses at gate. 
 
 Dora. Good-bye, Bud Barlow. Maybe I'll see you later 
 and maybe I won't. (Runs off L.) 
 
 Bud (glances about). Well, I've come in more or less 
 contact with the whole darned family now — except Toots. 
 Wonder where Toots is. 
 
 Toots enters from house. Poses on porch. Picture. She 
 is dressed in a burlesqiw evening gozvn and acts in grand 
 manner. Looks at Bud. 
 
 Toots (aside). "Ain't he just splen-did!" (Assumed 
 voice.) I beg your pardon, sir. 
 
 Bud (looking at her in surprise, jumps to feet, struggles 
 into his coat. Aside). Gee whiz! Here's one I haven't 
 caught yet. (To her.) Certainly you may beg your pardon. 
 Allow me to beg yours also — just to help things along. 
 
 Toots (laughs, then speaks in her natural voice). Dear 
 me suds ! You never knowed me, did you ? 
 
 Bud (surprised). Toots Snodgrass! Well, I'll be — 
 
50 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Toots (interrupting). Now, now. Remember I am a 
 lady. Say, how do I stack up, anyhow? {Whirls about for 
 his inspection.) 
 
 Bud {admiringly). Immense! If you hadn't tipped me 
 off, I'd never known you. 
 
 Toots I'm there, ain't I ? 
 
 Bud {laughs). Forty ways. Toots. {Suddenly.) But 
 say. How do I find you talking to mef 
 
 Toots {surprised). Hey? 
 
 Bud. You're the first person singular or plural that has 
 handed me a civil word for some time. 
 
 Toots. Oh, I ain't so particular who I talk to. 
 
 Bud {laughs good-naturedly). Thanks. Get in. You're 
 all right. {Shakes her hand heartily.) You're all right. 
 {Shakes her hand again.) 
 
 Toots. Say, what's the idea? {Pu::ded.) Want to bor- 
 row money or something? 
 
 Bud. No. I'm in trouble. Toots. Nobody else would 
 give me a look-in but you. Now you've got to help me out. 
 Will you help a poor orphan ? 
 
 Toots {heartily). Bet your boots, Bud Barlow! 
 
 Bud {grabs her hand and shakes it vigorously). Toots, 
 you're all right. 
 
 Toots {prying hand loose). I know, but nix on that. 
 {Feels of her hand.) I may want to use that hand again 
 some day — you never can tell. Now tell mother your 
 troubles. 
 
 Bud {sighs deeply). Toots, I'm in love. 
 
 Toots. Oh! {Sighs.) So am I. 
 
 Bud. But I've been badly used. Toots. {Sighs.) 
 
 Toots {sighs). So have I. My lovin' disposition has had 
 several kinks put in it since last I saw you. {Sighs.) 
 
 Bud. I love Clarice. {Sighs.) 
 
 Toots. And Tommy's got my goat. {Sighs.) 
 
 Bud. Too bad. {Sighs.) 
 
 Toots. It's worsern that. {Sighs.) 
 
 Bud. But why the glad rags. Toots? 
 
 Toots. Oh, these do-dads, you mean? Say, Mr. Barlow, 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 51 
 
 I just had to do this. Tommy was just breakin' my fond 
 heart with his desperate flirtation. 
 
 Bud. I'm wise, Toots. Let me tell you all about it. 
 Come on. We'll get away from the crowd and try to 
 straighten things out. 
 
 Toots. You're on. 
 
 Bud (grabs her hand and shakes it). Once more, Toots. 
 You're all right. 
 
 Toots. Ain't he just splen-did! 
 
 They exeunt L. 2, he zvith an arm about her waist. Clar- 
 ice enters from R., back of fence, just in time to see them 
 exeunt. She stops in shocked surprise. 
 
 Clarice {alone). Well, 'pon my soul! If Bud Barlow 
 isn't making love to another woman. Now I wonder who 
 that can be? {Comes dozvn and sits on bench, dejectedly.) 
 Oh, dear me! {Sighs.) I'm sure I loved him with all my 
 heart. {Sobs.) But now — now I hate him. Oh, how I hate 
 him! That is, I'm quite sure I do. 
 
 Clarice may introduce song here at option. Herman 
 enters from house. Comes to bench. 
 
 Herman. Ah, my child. Why all alone? 
 
 Clarice {confusedly). I — oh, nothing. That is, I was 
 just thinking, uncle dear. 
 
 Herman {sits beside her, zirearily). Ach, this has been 
 a queer day. Everybody and everything is queer. I can't 
 find my doll no place yet. Maybe I never had none — yes ? 
 
 Clarice. Oh, uncle! It's — it's all my fault. {Sobs.) I 
 thought I was doing it all for the best — for your sake. 
 
 Herman {puzded). Your fault? My sake? {Puts a 
 hand to head.) I can't think it out yet, so easy like I used 
 to once. I think I'm what Tommy would call a mutt — yes? 
 
 Clarice. No, no, uncle. Listen. Bud — I mean Mr. Bar- 
 low — and I planned it. He discovered that you — you were 
 losing your — your mind over this automatic doll question. 
 He disguised himself as — as Mephisto, and I — I was the 
 doll that came to life. 
 
52 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 I 
 
 ♦ 
 
 Herman {agitatedly and rising to feet unsteadily). I — 
 I — go on yet. What next will you tell me? 
 
 Clarice. That's all, uncle — that's all. 
 
 Herman {presses both hands to head as if in great pain 
 and falls heavily hack onto bench). Mein Gott! She says, 
 "That's all !" Ach, Gott ! {Sobs and displays intense agita- 
 tion at the shock of her disclosure. Opportunity for fine 
 bit of acting.) 
 
 Clarice {alarmed, fhrozus arms about him, soothingly). 
 There, there, dearie. Don't ! Don't ! It will be all right. I 
 
 Herman {rising to feet, vehemently). Ach, you don't ' 
 know what you have done — what you are saying yet. It 
 will not be all right. Do you realize what it means to me 
 yet that you have trifled and fooled with my lifelong ambi- 
 tion? You have shattered and broken my one wonderful 
 dream ! For years I have slaved and worked, believing that 
 some day I should discover the spark of life, inject it into 
 my Masterpiece, and then you — you in your silly, brainless , 
 fashion upset all my plans. {Pauses, zuith hands pressed m 
 to head, fairly sobs.) Ach, Gott ! My head ! My head ! {She ■ 
 attempts to break in and console him-, but he checks her 
 with a gesture.) Wait! You don't realize yet what you've 
 done. Listen. I got to face everybody — got to have them 
 stare at me with, a laugh on their face — and listen to their 
 sneering words while they call me' an old crack-brained 
 fool. Got to face my wife — hear her call me a "good-for- 
 nothing." You understand now what you have done yet? 
 {Laughs in hysterical manner.) Ha, ha, ha! That wife of 
 mine — Gott ! When I think yet what she will do and say — 
 no, no! {Violently.) No, I shall not listen to her. I shall 
 not listen, I tell you. I shall assert myself. I shall no 
 longer be a mere cipher in my own house. I shall be master ! 
 Master! Do you understand? See! {Rushes to porch, picks 
 up flower pot and dashes it to ground, then the others, one 
 after the other, and dashes them to ground; laughs in ma- 
 niacal fashion.) Ha, ha, ha! Thus do I assert my new 
 authority. 
 
 Clarice. Oh, uncle, uncle — please! 
 
 
 i 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 53 
 
 Herman. I'll show her — show you all I can be a man 
 yet. I bought a new pair of trousers yesterday, and 
 now, by golly, I shall wear 'em from now on. {Presses 
 hands to head, then suddenly he drops them, looks at her, 
 all about and smiles gently.) I — I — it's gone. The pain, 
 the jumble — my head is clear again yet. I — I — {laughs 
 gently.) I been an old fool yet, ain't I ? But it's all over now. 
 I see things clear. I see that my spark of life dream couldn't 
 be. Now I am awake — awake at last. {Puts out his arms 
 to her.) 
 
 Clarice {with a glad cry springs to the shelter of his 
 arms). And you — you are not angry? 
 
 Herman. No, child. I am glad. Glad you have brought 
 me to my senses. {Sighs.) But all the time I think I am 
 a great inventor yet. 
 
 Clarice. And so you are, uncle. No man ever made 
 such wonderful dolls as you do. {Pats his cheek lovingly 
 and kisses him.) 
 
 Herman {sighs). And so — it's all over now yet. But 
 you done everything for the best. I had a big screw loose 
 in my head. And you — you took it out — you and Bud. 
 But go. Go into the house, child. I got to be alone and 
 think this out yet. 
 
 Clarice {kisses him, goes to steps). Good-night, uncle 
 dear. 
 
 Herman. Wait. I don't see Bud about. He was here, 
 but — has he gone? 
 
 Clarice. I don't know, and I don't care. {Runs quickly 
 up steps and into house, sobbing as she goes.) 
 
 Herman. So! She is crying yet. Perhaps it's a lover's 
 quarrel. Ach, they all do that. Bud is a fine fellow. They 
 must be got together again yet. {Sits on bench and ga::es 
 sorrowfully all about. Musingly.) Humph! No doll en- 
 dowed with the spark of life. No Devil — no nothing. 
 {Pause, then quickly.) By golly, if those things wasn't, 
 maybe I ain't got no wife yet. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie enters from back R., passes through gate, 
 
54 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 casting searching glances all about. Discovers Herman on 
 bench. Comes down C. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (sharply). Oh, so there you are, are you? 
 
 Herman (quick comedy start of surprise, aside). Ach, 
 I got a wife yet. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Have you seen His Highness about? 
 
 Herman (innocently) . About what? 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. About here or the house, you stupid. 
 
 Herman (slowly and inipressiz'ely) . No, my dear. There 
 never was no His Highness. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie. Why, what do you mean? Has this busi- 
 ness completely turned your head? 
 
 Herman. Yes, it has, thank God. (Rises.) Now, listen 
 to me, please. From now on you take orders from me. You 
 get them silly notions out of your head that you are boss. 
 Look at me, madam. Look close at the real boss of this 
 establishment. (Assumes a commanding attitude.) 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (astounded). Why, Herman Heinie, Fll 
 show — 
 
 Herman (raising a hand). Stop! You've shown me too 
 long. Your place is in the kitchen — that's where you belong. 
 Go! 
 
 Mrs. Heinie (stares at him an instant). Well, for good- 
 ness sake ! I can't understand these goings on at all. I say, 
 I can't understand — 
 
 Herman (interrupting, gently). There, there. You go 
 in and Clarice will tell you all about everything. Go. (She 
 is too astounded for speech and stares in blank amazement 
 at him as she goes to steps, up them and into house. Her- 
 man sits on bench, takes out pipe and lights it. Meditative 
 pause. Herman, chuckingly). By golly, this is a funny 
 world. The things that are, ain't ; and the things that ain't, 
 are. Enter Tommy from house, bustling manner. 
 
 Tommy. Hello, pop. Seen my wife anywhere? 
 
 Herman. No, but I just saw mine. (Chuckles.) 
 
 Tommy. Well, I want her, I do. 
 
 Herman. Tommy boy, there ain't a-going to be no wife 
 for you. 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 55 
 
 Tommy. What? Ain't I a-goin' to marry that purty gal 
 you made for me? 
 
 Herman. No, Tommy boy. Everything is changed now 
 yet. I shall have to make other plans for your future. 
 
 Tommy. I don't want any plans. I want a wife. 
 
 Herman (chuckles). You ain't such a fool yet as 
 I thought. (Rises, pats Tommy on head.) Come into the 
 house. Tommy, and I'll tell you how you lost your wife. 
 (They go to steps.) I only wish somebody would tell me 
 how I could lose mine. (Herman exits in house.) 
 Enter Bud and Toots, L. 2. 
 
 Bud (to Tommy). Hey, Tommy, come here and meet a 
 lady. 
 
 Tommy. I don't want a lady. I want a wife. 
 
 Toots. Dear me suds, Tommy! Don't you know me? 
 
 Tommy (surprised). Gee gosh, if it ain't Toots. 
 
 Bud. Yes, Tommy, it's Toots. Toots all dressed up. 
 You nearly broke Toots' heart, Tommy, with your flirting. 
 But she's going to forgive you, and you're going to take 
 Toots back to your heart again. And there — get together. 
 (Forces them into an embrace.) 
 
 Toots (pulling away after a short embrace). Don't muss 
 my clothes. Fine clothes like these don't come up and shake 
 you by the hand every day. 
 
 Tommy (admiringly). Gee gosh, but ain't she purty! 
 (Scans his own apparel.) Say, fine clothes do make a lot 
 of difference, don't they? Maybe if I was kinder dolled up — 
 say, look here. You ain't goin' to slip anything over on me, 
 Toots Snodgrass. (Turns and dashes up the steps, stops on 
 porch, turns.) I'm goin' to show you that I can be a sport, 
 too. Just stick around a bit and keep your eye on Tommy 
 Tucker. 
 
 Bud. Wait a minute. Tommy. Is everything all right — 
 here? (Indicates Toots.) 
 
 Tommy. Bet yer boots! (Dashes into house.) 
 
 Toots (feelingly, to Bud). Say, you're all right, Bud 
 Barlow. Get in. (Grabs his hand and shakes it z'igorously.) 
 Now I'm goin' in the house and send somebody out here 
 
56 Ttm SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 to see you. (Goes to steps, turns.) And it won't be Mrs. 
 Heinie, either. (Exit into house.) 
 
 Bud (alone). Well, I'll do my best — I'll do better than 
 my best. She's just got to come across — that's all. 
 
 Enter Clarice from house. Stops on porch, looks dozvn 
 as if searching for some article. 
 
 Clarice. Strange where it could have gone to — 
 
 Bud (interrupting). Did you — did you lose something? 
 (Aside.) Everybody around here appears to have lost 
 something. 
 
 Clarice. Yes — my handkerchief. Oh, I forgot. I'm not 
 to speak to you. (Turns to re-enter house.) 
 
 Bud. Oh, is that so? (Sternly.) Well, you will talk to 
 me. Come right down here, young woman. 
 
 Clarice (conies slozvly dozvn steps). I — I shall do noth- 
 ing of the kind, Mr. Barlow. (At foot of steps.) 
 
 Bud (at bench). Now come right over here. 
 
 Clarice (comes to bench). I shall not do that either, 
 Mr. Barlow. 
 
 Bud. Sit down. 
 
 Clarice. I'll not sit down. (Sits.) 
 
 Bud (sits beside her). Why, I never saw such a contrary 
 young woman in all my life. You won't do a solitary thing 
 I ask you to. 
 
 Clarice. I don't see why I should after the way you've 
 treated me, Mr. Barlow. 
 
 Bud (coaxingly). Say, put the soft pedal on that Mister 
 thing, won't you ? 
 
 Clarice. No, that's something else I decline to do, 
 Mister Barlow. 
 
 Bud (commandingly) . Young woman, call me Bud! 
 
 Clarice. I positively refuse to call you — Bud. 
 
 Bud (laughs). Oh, what a cinch! 
 
 Clarice (indignantly). Sir! (Springs to feet.) 
 
 Bud (pidls her down beside him again). Now. nix 
 You've been a real nice little girl. Don't spoil it. 
 
 Clarice. Bud Barlow, I won't be talked to like this. If 
 
 ^1 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 57 
 
 you have anything important to say, I'll listen. Otherwise, 
 ni go. 
 
 Bud. Hold on. I've got a mixture of both to get rid of. 
 {Looks about.) Let's get in the hammock — what? 
 
 Clarice {coldly). I much prefer the bench. 
 
 Bud {rises and crosses to hammock). Young woman, 
 come here — and in a hurry ! 
 
 Clarice {rises and crosses meekly to him). That is still 
 another command I refuse to obey. 
 
 Bud {commandingly) . Sit in the hammock, young 
 woman ! 
 
 Clarice {sits in hammock, meekly). I utterly refuse. 
 
 Bud {sits beside her) . Ah, this is better. Now I can say 
 something of importance. Give me a kiss. 
 
 Clarice {trying to evade hiwi). Bud Barlow, you're the 
 most impudent fellow I ever met. 
 
 Bud. Think so. {Kisses her.) Say, the chap that in- 
 vented the hammock thing, I'll bet had a girl just like you. 
 {Puts arm about her.) No. I'll take that back now. She 
 couldn't have been just as nice as you. Anyhow, be it ever 
 so humble, there's no place like a hammock — with a girl 
 in it. 
 
 Clarice {laughing in spite of herself). For goodness 
 sake, please be sensible. 
 
 Bud {seriously). All right, girlie, I will. Now I am 
 going to marry you, and you are going to marry me. 
 
 Clarice. What! After the way you made love to Mrs. 
 Heine? And that — that other woman I saw you with. No, 
 no ; let me go. I had forgotten — 
 
 Bud. Oh. now behave. I made love to your aunt as a 
 joke, and to teach her a lesson. That other woman was — 
 Toots. 
 
 Clarice {sighs happily): Oh! 
 
 Bud. Now, after you say, "Bud, I love you and will be 
 your wife," I'll go in the house, tell your uncle everything 
 and ask him for you. 
 
 Clarice. That isn't necessary. He knows all about our 
 plotting, and — oh. Bud, he's ever so much better now. 
 
58 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Bud, And so am I — now. (Kisses her.) But on the 
 level, I'm glad everything- is all fixed up. And so — so you're 
 going to be Mrs. Barlow, are you? 
 
 Clarice. Please do be sensible, Bud. Why, what can 
 we marry on? 
 
 Bud (carelessly) . Oh, on a Wednesday, a Thursday or a 
 Friday — any old day; I don't care. 
 
 Clarice. Oh, you know what I mean. I haven't a cent 
 in the world. 
 
 Bud. Fine! Neither have L 
 
 Clarice. That's why — why I hesitate. What's going to 
 support us? 
 
 Bud. Say, T'll go to work. I don't care what happens 
 to me. In the meantime, little girl, you run in the house and 
 tell your uncle to come out. You see I want to close this 
 deal — quick. 
 
 Clarice (rising, pouting). That sounds as though you 
 were dickering for a gold mine. 
 
 Bud (kisses her). I am. 
 
 Clarice (crossing to steps, turns). There's money in a 
 gold mine. I'm ''broke." (Laughs and exits into house.) 
 
 Bud (alone, rising from hammock). Bless her heart! 
 rd work my head and hands off for her. And Fm glad she 
 is ''broke," too. No one can say I am marrying for money. 
 Gee whiz ! But Fm the happiest chap in Happy Hollow. 
 
 Enter Peck from back, R. Comes to gate. 
 
 Peck. I really beg your pardon, sir — 
 
 Bud (confronting him). What? Again? 
 
 Peck (comes down C). Really, you know — don't agitate 
 yourself, I pray. . . . And please don't kick me any more. 
 This thing of being faithful to a trust is possibly a grand 
 and glorious thing ; but it's dreadfully trying on one's consti- 
 tution. Unless I obtain a hearing very soon, they will have 
 to put another man on the job. (Pathetically.) Look at 
 me, sir. (Turns about for Bud's inspection.) But I am 
 wasting my time. I surely must see Mr. Heinie. (Turns 
 toward steps.) 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 59 
 
 Bud (grabs him). Say, hold on. What the — what the 
 deuce to you want around here, anyhow? 
 
 Peck (dismally). I don't want much, sir; but I seem to 
 have collected quite a lot. Would you mind looking me over 
 again, sir? (Turns around.) No? Well it doesn't matter. 
 The object of my visit here today, sir — would you mind 
 listening? 
 
 Bud. No. Go ahead. I'm the happiest chap in Happy 
 Hollow. 
 
 Peck (produces legal-looking paper from an inside 
 pocket). This is the thing. 'Tis merely a detail, sir — merely 
 a detail. If you please, sir, this document relates in fully 
 described terms the title to an estate valued at $50,000 to 
 one Clarice Higgins, whose aunt, Mrs. Martha Higgins by 
 name, died very suddenly in Boston a few days ago. 
 
 Bud (hezvildered, looks from document to Peck and hack 
 again). What! What did you say? No, no ; you didn't say 
 it. I am dreaming. It can't be true. You must be kidding. 
 
 Peck. No, sir ; here's the paper. You may see for your- 
 self. 
 
 Bud (looking blankly at paper). Oh, Lord, it must be 
 true! (Hangs head dejectedly.) It must be true. 
 
 Peck. What's the matter, sir. You appear downcast. 
 Why are you not pleased at her good fortune? 
 
 Bud. Good fortune? Say, that girl just promised to 
 marry me, and now — now you, the kill-joy, butt in and spoil 
 it all. Confound you, anyhow! (Threatens Peck.) 
 
 Peck (backing azvay in alarm). Why — why it's — it's not 
 my fault. But, really, I can't understand, sir. You should 
 be delighted at her good fortune, and your own, seeing that 
 she is to marry you, sir. 
 
 Bud. Drive along with that chatter. Everybody will say 
 that I married her simply for her money, and — oh, hang it 
 all, why didn't her Aunt Martha have sense enough to post- 
 pone her death for a year or so? 
 
 Peck. Well, sir, that is just the way with some women. 
 They never do seem to do the proper thing at the proper 
 
60 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 time. But time presses. If you will permit me, I shall 
 enter the house, transact my business, and be on m}^ — 
 
 Bud {interrupting, eagerly). I say, old chap, you couldn't 
 fall down and break your neck, could you? 
 
 Peck. Hey? 
 
 Bud. Break anything or something, just so she doesn't 
 get that beastly money. 
 
 Peck (thoughtfully). I'm — I'm afraid not, sir. I have 
 always been faithful to any trust reposed in me, and — but 
 I almost forgot something. 
 
 Bud. Oh, Lord! What now? 
 
 Peck. During my brief but stormy visit here today, I 
 have — have fallen in love. 
 
 Bud (surprised). Fallen in love? Say. you look like 
 you'd fall off a ten-story building twice. 
 
 Peck (scanning his apparel). Yes, I'll admit my appear- 
 ance is not at all lover-like ; but that is no fault of mine, I 
 assure you, sir. Pardon me just a moment, sir. (Goes to 
 gate and beckons off R.) Come here, please. 
 
 Enter Dora from R. Comes to C. 
 
 Bud. Well, I declare. 
 
 Peck. Yes, sir; quite so. (Puts an arm about Dora.) 
 
 Dora. How do you do. Bud Barlow ? 
 
 Bud. Me? Oh, I'm getting along fine. As for you, do 
 you take this man to be your lawful husband ? 
 
 Dora. I suppose so. He seems to be a real nice man. 
 
 Bud. What's his name? 
 
 Dora. Hey? (Surprised.) 
 
 Bud. What's your future husband's name? 
 
 Dora, My gracious, I don't know. I didn't even stop 
 to ask. (Bud displays comedy consternation.) 
 
 Peck. Permit me to introduce myself to you both. My 
 name is Peck — Henry Peck. 
 
 Bud. Fair enough. (Dora acknozvledges introduction 
 with a low bow.) 
 
 Peck. But you are a gentleman of keen judgment and 
 appear to be well posted in the art of love and marriage. 
 Perhaps you might advise us. 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 61 
 
 Bud. Lord, man, you're calling up the wrong number. 
 I'm looking for advice myself. 
 
 Peck. So ? I wouldn't think it, to look at you, sir. How- 
 ever, that's beside the point. My personal — that is, my 
 love affair — must wait. The one thing now is to see Mr. 
 Heinie. Come, sweetheart. {To Bud.) We will see you 
 later, sir. 
 
 Dora. Ta-ta, Bud Barlow. Cheer up ; it may not be 
 true. (Dora and Peck exeunt into house.) 
 
 Bud {laughing). Gee whiz! This is certainly one day 
 to be long remembered. {Soberly.) And I — Pm up a tree. 
 That $50,000 is something to think about. Pll go take a 
 walk and think it over. {He exits through gate, turns L., 
 with head bozved and hands thrust deep in coat pockets.) 
 
 Enter Tommy from house. He is dressed in comedy 
 dress-up clothes. Wears zvhite gloves ^ zvhite flozjuer in but- 
 ton-hole, and jauntily szvings a cane. Comes dozun steps in 
 comedy manner, looking all about. 
 
 Tommy. Gee gosh, I done it! I guess I ain't some sport 
 now, eh? Say, when Toots sees me she'll look around for a 
 soft spot to throw a fit in. Wonder where she is. 
 
 {Whistles.) £^^^^^ jQQ^g y:^^^,^^ j^^^^^^ 
 
 Toots {throzvs up both hands in, surprise). Well, dear 
 me suds! 
 
 Tommy. Didn't think it was in me, did you? {Struts 
 proudly about.) 
 
 Toots. Say, if I wasn't so chockful of excitement, Pd 
 tell you what a nice looking boy you are, but — guess what ? 
 
 Tommy. Can't. Too much dressed up. 
 
 Toots. A lawyer chap from Boston just come in and 
 handed Miss Clarice a million dollars, all in five-cent nickels 
 and ten-cent dimes. 
 
 Tommy. Huh! Quit tellin' stories. 
 
 Toots. It's the terrible truth. Tommy. It's the same 
 man that Mr. Heinie thought was a robber, and he's a 
 lawyer. 
 
 Tommy. Well, what's the difference? 
 
62 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Toots. None a-tall ! 
 
 Tommy. Say, Toots, maybe Clarice will give me ten or 
 twenty cents toward our wedding. How much is a million 
 dollars, anyhow? 
 
 TooTS. Don't ask me. 1 can't count over twelve dollars 
 to save my life. 
 
 Tommy {puts arm about her). Well, we don't care, do 
 we? 
 
 Toots. 'Bout what? 
 
 Tommy. ' Bout noth.in'. Nothin' but love, I mean. Every- 
 thing's been kinder excited like today. Bud Barlow and 
 Clarice fooled pop, and maw made love to the Devil, and — 
 
 Toots. You made love to Miss Clarice. 
 
 Tommy. Never did. 
 
 Toots. I seen you — so there. 
 
 Tommy. Never did. 
 
 Toots. You did ; you know you did. 
 
 Tommy. Never, never did — cross my heart. 
 
 Toots. I seen you kiss her. 
 
 Tommy. Well, I felt sorry for her. She said she never 
 had one. 
 
 Toots. That ain't no excuse. I hate you. 
 Enter Bud from L. 2. 
 
 Bud. There, there, children ; don't quarrel. 
 
 Toots. It's Tommy. He's always fightin', and — 
 
 Bud. How's everything inside, Toots? 
 
 Toots. Say, did you hear that Miss Clarice had a million 
 dollars given to her? 
 
 Bud (soberly). Yes, I heard that. (Brightly.) But out- 
 side of that everything's all right, isn't it ? 
 
 Tommy. Gee gosh! He looks like she was dead and 
 buried instead of havin' a lot of money wished on her. 
 
 Toots. Yes, a person would think you'd lost your best 
 friend. 
 
 Bud (soberly). Maybe I have, Toots; maybe I have. 
 But you and Tommy better take a little walk. 
 
 Tommy. That suits me. Let's walk around. Toots, and 
 give the neighbors a treat. 
 
 n 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 63 
 
 Toots. All right. Let's. 
 
 Tommy. I know a whole lot of mushy talk, too. 
 
 Toots (puts out her hand to Bud). Say, get in again, 
 will you? 
 
 Bud {shaking her hand). Sure, Toots, all the time. 
 
 Toots. You're all right. Bud Barlow. You're fifty-fifty 
 with me any time I got that much. {She takes Tommy^s 
 arm and they parade grandly to gate. At gate she turns to 
 Bud.) Fifty-fifty with me any time I got that much. Good 
 night. (Tommy and Toots exeunt gate, turning L. and off.) 
 Enter Herman from house. Lights gradually lower. 
 
 Herman {to Bud, putting out hand). Bud, my boy, I 
 want to say that I owe you more than I can ever repay yet. 
 
 Bud {shaking his hand heartily). Oh, that's all right, 
 Mr. Heinie. It might have appeared like heroic treatment 
 to you, but I'm tickled to death everything came out all 
 right. {Sighs.) Everything except — (^n^/j/Zy) well, it was 
 a fine day, wasn't it? {Shaking Hermanns hand again.) 
 
 Herman. Ach, yes. To me it was the saddest and the 
 happiest — if such a thing could be yet. Tonight I am- so 
 happy. Everybody has been so kind and good to me. Just 
 like I was a boy, just getting over some sickness, and the 
 neighbors all bring in nice things to eat — and then he gets 
 the stomachache yet besides. 
 
 Bud {laughs). I think I know what you mean. You are 
 happy and still you imagine that something will occur to 
 upset it. 
 
 Herman. That's it, Buddy boy. I might eat too much 
 of the neighbor's cookies and get the stomachache. 
 
 Bud. Forget that part of it. Everything's got O. K. 
 branded on it in big letters. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie {inside house, very tenderly). Herman, 
 dear — oh, Herman. Come in, won't you ? I want you. 
 
 Herman {smiles proudly). You see — you notice the 
 voice ? 
 
 Bud. Yes — some dififerent, isn't it? 
 
 Herman. Dififerent? Everything is. {Grabs ^\jb's> hand 
 and shakes it heartily.) Bud, my boy, you're all right. My 
 
64 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 wife says you are, and she knows. I say so because I know. 
 Come in the house any time you wish — any time. (Bows 
 and starts to enter house.) You know, Bud, I'm the boss 
 around here now. 
 
 Bud (laughs). Thanks, Mr. Heinie — I'll remember that. 
 But — but would you mind sending Clarice out. I want to 
 say — to bid her good-night. 
 
 Herman. Sure, Buddie, my boy. Sure. (Exit into 
 house.) 
 
 Bud (sighs heavily). Well, I've seemed to have fixed 
 everything with everybody — except myself. Maybe I'm a 
 darn fool. But, hang it all, I can't marry her money. I 
 simply can't do that. 
 
 Enter Clarice from house. Lights a little lower. 
 
 Clarice. Why, Bud — come in. 
 
 Bud. No — you come out. 
 
 Clarice (comes down steps). What's the matter? 
 
 Bud. Say, I want to get my release from the team. I 
 can't play Big League ball if I sign up with you. 
 
 Clarice. You — you mean you wish to break our engage- 
 ment ? 
 
 Bud (turns awray, soberly). Yes — that's it. 
 
 Clarice. But — but why? What have I done? 
 
 Bud (turns quickly hack to her). Can't you, understand? 
 It's that confounded money. It's not you. 
 
 Clarice. Oh ! 
 
 Bud. You know. I can't have everyone panning me to a 
 crisp, and calling me a fortune hunter, and — well, it can't 
 be done — that's all. 
 
 Clarice (eagerly). But you can prove an alibi. Bud. 
 Remember, you asked me a long time before the money 
 came. 
 
 Bud. Yes, but L can't go about with an alibi Hke that 
 hanging to me. No, the alibi thing won't do. You've got 
 to come stronger than that, you know. 
 
 Clarice. Very well, Mr. Barlow. There happens to be 
 a string tied to that legacy. 
 
 Bud (joyfully). What! Come on. Pull the string. 
 
THE SPARK OF LIFE 65 
 
 Clarice. There was a clause in my Aunt Martha's wiU 
 to the effect that should I marry anybody but one Harvey 
 Howard, her adopted son, the $50,000 was to go to a home 
 for broken down cats. 
 
 Bud {jumping about, joyfully). Hurrah! And you — 
 you — 
 
 Clarice. Well, I've always had a tender spot in my 
 heart for cats — especially the broken down ones. 
 
 Bud. Dear girl! And do you think I'm worth $50,000? 
 
 Clarice. Yes, every penny of it — and then a few besides. 
 
 Bud {throws both arms about her). Gee whiz! I'm 
 groggy with joy. Hold on to me tight. {They embrace.) 
 
 Mrs. Heinie {in the house, tenderly). Herman, dear. 
 I've laid out your clean linen on the spare room bed so it'll 
 be handy for you in the morning. Remember, you promised 
 'to go to church with me. 
 
 Herman {in house). Yes, my darhng; and thank you 
 yet besides. 
 
 Bud {laughs happily). Gee, that sounds good. It makes 
 us really believe that we have done something in this world 
 after all. But — come on, sweetheart. Suppose we keep 
 the dew off the hammock for a while. 
 
 Clarice {happy laugh). Oh, Bud! 
 
 Lights quite dim, gradually dying out to a dark stage. 
 Bud and Clarice assume a loznng-like attitude in the ham- 
 Imock. Toots and Tommy enter, sit on bench and strike a 
 f comedy love-making pose. Dora and Peck enter and stand 
 against fence, a lozdng picture. 
 
 Herman {in house). Tommy, Toots, Clarice, Bud! 
 Where is everybody yet ? 
 
 Herman enters from house. He carries a lamp or elec- 
 tric torch zvith strong reflector. Goes to fence, throzus light 
 on Peck and Dora. 
 
 Herman {starts back with apology). Beg pardon. I 
 didn't know you was here yet. {Goes to hammock, throzvs 
 light on Bud and Clarice, recoils with apology.) Ach, like- 
 wise, I beg your pardon. {Goes to bench, throzvs light on 
 
66 THE SPARK OF LIFE 
 
 Tommy and Toots.) By golly, the woods is full of 'em. 
 {He goes to the foot of steps.) All my life I have been 
 seeking for the spark of life ; and now at last, when I have 
 given up the idea, I find it. It's love — that's what it is — 
 Love! Love, the spark of hfe. But it ain't for an old man 
 Hke me to discover. It's for the young folks. 
 
 Mrs. Heinie {coming out on porch). Come, dear, it is 
 growing late. 
 
 Herman. Good-night, my children — and may God bless 
 you all yet. 
 
 Toots. Ain't he just splen-did ! 
 
 Curtain. 
 
 1 
 
 ii 
 
Civil Service 
 
 By WALTER BEN HARE 
 
 Price, 25 Cents 
 
 Drama in 3 acts; 6 males, 5 females. Time, 2i/4 hours. Scene: 
 1 interior. Characters: Old R. F. D., character lead. Inspector. 
 Postmaster. Young Money Order Clerk. Mailing Clerk. Country 
 Boy. Postmaster's Daughter. Lady of Importance. Hired Girl, 
 character soubrette. A Collector. The Plucky Little Stamp Clerk, 
 leading lady. 
 
 It depicts the joys and sorrows, the heartaches and struggles 
 and temptations of a small group of government employes work- 
 ing in a postofflce in a small city in the middle west. A play 
 with a punch with many a laugh — an occasional tear. 
 
 SYNOPSIS 
 
 Act I. — The work room of the postofRce. Octavia's birth- 
 day. Steve Audaine in debt. Old R. F. D. rides thirteen miles 
 through the snow. "Old Bess ain't what you'd call a reindeer, 
 but she's a good, faithful animile." Goldie Wex, the new substitute 
 from the country. Steve in trouble with the collector. "You can't 
 force me into the hands of the loan-sharks; I'd rather lose my 
 job." A lady of importance, Mrs. T. R. Jeffs. Steve yields to 
 temptation. R. F. D. tells the dramatic story of his life in prison. 
 The little stamp clerk comes home. "My laddie, my laddie! My 
 dream is over!" 
 
 Act II. — A half holiday. The postmaster's daughter announces 
 her engagement. "I have risked my reputation to gratify her 
 slightest desire." The letter for Ira Troutman, Esq. A little 
 homestead in Montana. "There never was a cloud yet too dark 
 to have a silver lining." R. F. D.. the comforter. Goldie's lady 
 friend. Miss Birdie Bivins, who works out. The postoffice inspec- 
 tor. Goldie in the toils of the law. "You lie, Steve Audaine, you 
 stole that hundred dollars!" The sacrifice of R. F. D. 
 
 Act III. — The next morning. Birdie and Goldie looking for a 
 license. "We don't want a dog license; we want a wedding 
 license." The inspector and the plucky little, stamp clerk. Kate 
 is suspected of robbing the mails. Steve finds his father. Kate 
 appeals to Mrs. Jeffs. "Would you send an old soldier to prison 
 for life?" Mrs. Jeffs sees her duty and does it. "The sun is 
 shining on a new life, and we'll all be together, me and my boy 
 and my little princess." 
 
 Teacher, Kin I Go Home? 
 
 By HARRY L. NEWTON 
 Price, 15 Cents 
 
 A rural school episode; 7 males, 3 females. Time, about 35 
 minutes. Scene: A country school room. Characters: Hezekiah 
 Quackenbush, the teacher. Mose Doolittle, the janitor. Pat Clancy, 
 a school director. Gus Sweitzer, another. Hi Grass, a town se- 
 lectman. Harold Green, the nice boy. Willie White, the bad boy. 
 Ethel Grey, the pretty pupil. Betty Brown, the homely pupil. 
 Martha Crabapple, a suffragette. The cast is elastic and more 
 characters may easily be introduced. Drills, recitations, etc. can 
 be added according to the talent available. A humorous bit of 
 school life direct from Grass Center, Vermont. 
 
 T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 
 
 154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 
 
The Press-Agent's Handbook 
 
 By FREDERICK G. JOHNSON. 
 Price, 25 Cents 
 
 How to advertise a play. Designed primarily for the use of 
 dramatic clubs and other groups of amateur entertainers. The in- 
 formation is clearly and concisely presented. Fine-spun, untried 
 theories have been studiously avoided. The material is largely 
 the direct result of experience gained by a practical advertising 
 man in promoting the publicity for many amateur entertainments, 
 and his financial success has been the best testimonial for the 
 value of the advice given in this book. 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 Chapter I. — The Need of a Press-Agent. 
 
 The Press-Agent Is Responsible — Duty of the Press-Agent — 
 Wasting Ammunition — "Learning the Ropes" in Advance. 
 Chapter II. — Selecting the Press- Agent. 
 
 Experience not Essential — Newspaper Training of Value — 
 Genera] Requirements. 
 Chapter III. — Advertising IViediums. 
 
 Handbills — Window Cards — Posters and Billboards — News- 
 paper Advertising — Hand-made Posters — Personal Work. 
 Chapter IV. — The Newspaper Campaign. 
 
 Make Friends — Business First — How Much Appropriation? — 
 A Small Town Advantage — Use All Newspapers — Live up to 
 the Agreement — Getting Acquainted — Exclusive Notices — De- 
 velop Gradually — The Final Week — Depends on Circumstances- 
 Country Weeklies — Expressing Appreciation. 
 Chapter V. — Preparing News Copy. 
 
 Readers Must Contain News — Preparation Important — Ex- 
 change of Service — Novelty the Keynote — -"New" and "Exclu- 
 sive" — Don't Be Offended — Preparing News Copy — Each Notice 
 Complete — Carlson Copies — Length of Notices — Best Kind of 
 Materia.! — Human Interest Most Important. 
 Chapter VI. — Preparing Advertising Copy. 
 
 Simplicity the Keynote — Good Taste a Requisite — Saving 
 Space — Using a Model — Size of Type — Newspaper Instructions — 
 Teaser Campaign — Hints on Posters. 
 Chapter VII. — The Outdoor Campaign. 
 
 For the Small Town — Teasers — Follow Up — Posters — Hand- 
 bills — Personal Work. 
 Chapter VIII. — Novel Advertising Stunts. 
 
 Pland-made Window Cards — The Float — Scenic Float — The 
 Parade — Street Car Hangers. 
 Chapter IX. — Ticket Schemes. 
 
 Various Methods — On Sale at Stores — Solicitation by Mail — 
 Why It Is Not Advised — Personal Disposal — Selling by Districts 
 — Sale by the Players — Insist on Cash Sales — When Prices Are 
 Scaled — Reserved Seats — Advance Sale — Sale by Contest — Com- 
 plimentary Tickets — Passes for Newspapers — When to Give 
 Passes — Copy for Tickets. 
 Chapter X. — Programs. 
 
 A Regular Formula — A Model Program — Musical Plays — 
 Clearness and Accuracy — Printing Programs — How Many to 
 Print — Program Advertising. 
 Chapter XI, — Specimen Press Notices. 
 
 Brief Opening Notice — More Elaborate Opening Notice — 
 First Follow-Up — Second Follow-Up — Third Follow-Up — 
 Fourth Follow-Up— Fifth Follow-Up— Very Short Reader— To 
 Be Used Just Before Date of Performance — Humorous Advance 
 Notice. 
 
 T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 
 
 154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 
 
DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 
 
 Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 
 
 M. F. 
 
 Winning Widow, 2 acts, I'^l hrs. 
 
 (25c) 2 4 
 
 Women Who Did, 1 hr. . . (25c) 17 
 
 Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 
 
 FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 
 
 All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 
 
 April Fools, 30 min 3 
 
 Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 
 
 Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 
 
 Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 
 
 Billy's Mishap, 20 min 2 3 
 
 Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 
 
 Borrowing Trouble, 20 min 3 5 
 
 Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 
 Country Justice, 15 min...... 8 
 
 Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 
 
 Divided Attentions, 35 min 1 4 
 
 Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min 4 2 
 
 Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 
 
 First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 
 
 For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 
 
 Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 
 
 Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 
 Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
 Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min.. 12 
 
 Hans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 
 
 I'm Not Mesilf at All, 25 min. 3 2 
 Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 
 
 Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 
 
 Is the Editor In? 20 min... 4 2 
 
 Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 
 
 Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 
 
 Mike Donovan's Courtship, 15 m. 1 3 
 
 Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 
 
 Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 
 
 Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 
 
 My Wife's Relations, 1 hr.... 4 6 
 
 Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 
 
 -Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 
 
 Patsy O'Wang, 35 min....... 4 3 
 
 Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 
 
 Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min. 6 3 
 
 Regular Fix, 35 min 6 4 
 
 Second Childhood, IS min 2 2 
 
 Shadows, 35 min 2 2 
 
 Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 
 
 Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 
 
 Taming a Tiger, 30 min 3 
 
 That Rascal Pat. 30 min 3 2 
 
 Those Red Envelopes, 25 min. 4 4 
 Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 
 
 min .' 3 6 
 
 Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 
 
 Two Aunts and a Photo, -20 m. 4 
 Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 
 
 Two Ghosts in White, 20 min. . 8 
 
 Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 
 
 Uncle Dick's Mistake. 20 min.. 3 2 
 
 Wanted a Corresponr'ent, 45 m. 4 4 
 
 Wanted a yero, 20 min 1 1 
 
 M. F. 
 
 Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 
 
 Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 
 
 Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 
 
 VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MON- 
 OLOGUES, ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. 
 
 Ax'in' Her Father, 25 min.... 2 3 
 Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.lO 
 Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 
 
 Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 
 
 Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 2 
 Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 
 Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 
 Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m.l4 
 
 Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 
 
 Darktown Fire Brigade, 25 min. 10 
 Doings of a Dude, 20 min.... 2 1 
 Dutch Cocktail, 20 min.,.:.. 2 
 
 For Reform, 20 min 4 
 
 Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min ..21 
 Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. 1 1 
 Good Momin' Judge, 35 min.. 9 2 
 
 Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 
 
 Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 
 
 Home Run, 15 min 1 i 
 
 Jumbo Jum, 30 min 4 3 
 
 Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 
 
 Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 
 
 Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 
 
 Memphis Mose. 25 min 5 1 
 
 Mischievous Nigger, 25 min.. 4 2 
 
 Mistaken Miss, 20 min 1 1 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min 1 1 
 
 Oh, Doctor! 30 min 6 2 
 
 One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 
 Oshkosh Next Week, 20 min . . 4 
 
 Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 
 
 Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10m. 1 
 
 Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 
 
 Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 35 min. 2 2 
 Prof. Black's Funnygraph, 15 m. 6 
 
 Sham Doctor, 10 min 4 2 
 
 Si and I, 15 min 1 
 
 Special Sale, 15 min 2 
 
 Stage Struck Darky, 10 min.. 2 1 
 Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 
 
 Time Table, 20 min 1 1 
 
 Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 
 Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
 Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 
 Tvi^o Jay Detectives, 15 min. . 3 
 TTmbrella Mender, 15 min.... 2 
 
 Uncle Jeff, 25 min 5 2 
 
 What Happened to Hannah, 15m. 1 1 
 
 A great number of 
 
 Standard and Amateur Plays 
 
 not found here are listed In 
 
 Denison's Catalogue 
 
 T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers.154 W. Randolph St. , Chicago 
 
POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT ROOKS 
 
 Price, Illustrated Paper Cov< LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 IN this Series 
 are found 
 books touching 
 every feature 
 in the enter- 
 tainment field. 
 Finely made, 
 good paper, 
 clear print and 
 each book has 
 an. attractive 
 individual cov- 
 er design. 
 
 A Partial List 
 
 DIALOGUES 
 
 All Sorts of Dialogues. 
 
 Selected, fine for older pupils. 
 Catchy Comic Dialogues. 
 
 Very clever; for young people. 
 Children's Comic Dialogues. 
 
 From six to eleven years of age. 
 Country School Dialogues. 
 
 Brand new, original 
 Dialogues for District Schools. 
 
 For country schools. 
 Dialogues from Dickens. 
 
 Thirteen selections. 
 The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 
 
 Over 50,000 copies sold. 
 From Tots to Teens. 
 
 Dialogues and recitations. 
 Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 
 
 For older ones. 
 Little People's Plays. 
 
 From 7 to 13 years of age. 
 Lively Dialogues. 
 
 For all ages; mostly humorous. 
 Merry Little Dialogues. 
 
 Thirty-eight original selections. 
 When the Lessons are Over. 
 
 Dialogues, drills, plays. 
 Wide Awake Dialogues. 
 
 Original successful. 
 
 SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 
 
 Choice Pieces for Little People. 
 
 A child's speaker. 
 The Comic Entertainer. 
 
 Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
 Dialect Readings. 
 
 Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
 The Favorite Speaker. 
 
 Choice prose and poetry. 
 The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 
 
 For pupils of all ages. 
 Humorous Monologues. 
 
 Particularly for ladies. 
 Monologues for Young Folks. 
 
 Clever, humorous, original. 
 
 Mon 
 
 Sera 
 
 015 910 221 fi # 
 
 The Best Drill Book. 
 
 Very popular drills and marches. 
 The Favorite Book of Drills. 
 
 Drills that sparkle with originality. 
 Little Plays With Drills. 
 
 For children from 6 to 11 years. 
 The Surprise Drill Book. 
 
 Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 
 
 SPECIALTIES 
 
 The 'Boys' Entertainer. 
 
 Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
 Children's Party Book. 
 
 Invitations, decorations, games. 
 The Days We Celebrate. 
 
 Entertainments for all the holidays. 
 Good Things for Christmas. 
 
 Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
 Good Things for Sunday Schools. 
 
 Dialogues, exercises, recitations. 
 Good Things for Thanksgiving. 
 
 A gem of a book. 
 Good Things for Washington 
 
 and Lincoln Birthdays. 
 Little Folks' Budget. 
 
 Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
 One Hundred Entertainments. 
 
 New parlor' diversions, socials. 
 Patriotic Celebrations. 
 
 Great variety of material. 
 Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 
 
 Entirely original features. 
 Pranks and Pastimes. 
 
 Parlor games for children. 
 Private Theatricals. 
 
 How to put on plays. 
 Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 
 
 Charades, and how to prepare. 
 Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 
 
 New and novel; for all ages. 
 Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
 ing Figures. For little tots. 
 Yuletide Entertainments. 
 
 A choice Christmas collection. 
 
 MINSTRELS, JOKES 
 
 Black American Joker. 
 
 Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
 A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 
 
 Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
 Laughland,via the Ha-Ha Route. 
 
 A merry trip for fun tourists. 
 Negro Minstrels. 
 
 All ahout the business. 
 The NewNl^olly Jester. 
 
 Funny str>'^ies, jokps. gags, etc. 
 
 Large Illustrated Catalosue Free 
 
 T.S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers, 1 54 W. Randolph St., Chicago