^55 
 
PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS 
 
 A TRANSACTION 
 STOCKS 
 
 A COMEDY IN ONE ACT 
 BY 
 
 RALPH W. TAG 
 
 
 l^fe^^: 
 
 
 
 
 it^>i. 
 
 <TV^ 
 
 
 DICK & FITZGERALD 
 
 PUBLISHERS 
 
 i8 Ann Street, New York 
 
 
 
 
 
 
PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY 
 
 J5 CENTS EACH 
 
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 CRANFORD DAMES. 2 Scenes; 1}^ hours 8 
 
 GERTRUDE MASON, M.D. 1 Act; 30 minutes 7 
 
 CHEERFUL COMPANION. 1 Act; 25 minutes 2 
 
 LESSON IN ELEGANCE. 1 Act; 30 mmutes 4 
 
 MAIDENS ALL FORLORN. 3 Acts; I14 hours 6 
 
 MURDER ^VILL OUT. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 
 
 ROMANCE OF PHYLLIS. 3 Acts; 1J4 hours 4 
 
 SOCIAL ASPIRATIONS. 1 Act; 45 minutes 5 
 
 OUTWITTED. 1 Act; 20 minutes 3 
 
 WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 4 
 
 SWEET FAMILY. lAct;lhour 8 
 
 BELLES OF BLACKVILLE. 1 Act; 2 hours 30 
 
 PRINCESS KIKU. (25 cents) 13 
 
 RAINBOW KIMONA. (25 cents.) 2 Acts; 1^ hours 9 
 
 MERF^ OLD MAIDS. (25 cents.) Motion Song 11 
 
 PLAYS FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY 
 
 IS CENTS EACH 
 
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 APRIL FOOLS. 1 Act; 80 minutes 3 
 
 BYRD AND HURD. 1 Act; 40 minutes '. 6 
 
 DARKEY WOOD DEALER. 1 Act; 20 minutes 3 
 
 WANTED, A MAHATMA. 1 Act: 30 minutes 4 
 
 HOLY TERROR. 1 Act; 30 minutes. . < 4 
 
 MANAGER'S TRIALS. 1 Act; 1 hour 9 
 
 MEDICA. 1 Act; 35 minutes 7 
 
 NIGGER NIGHT SCHOOL. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 
 
 SLIM JIM AND THE HOODOO. 1 Act; 30 minutes 5 
 
 WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 
 
 SNOBSON'S STAG PARTY. 1 Act; 1 hour 12 
 
 PICKLES AND TICKLES. 1 Act; 20 minutes 6 
 
 HARVEST STORM. 1 Act; 40 minutes 10 
 
 CASE OF HERR BAR ROOMSKI. Mock Trial; 2 hours.... 28 
 
 DARKEY BREACH OF PROMISE CASE. Mock Trial. 22 
 
 GREAT LIBEL CASE. Mock Trial; 1 Scene; 2 hours 21 
 
 RIDING THE GOAT. Burlesque Initiation; 1 Scene; li^ hours 24 
 
 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 
 
A Transaction in Stocks 
 
 ^ t^amth^ in ®ne JVct 
 
 By RALPH W. TAG 
 
 Author of Handy Solomon 
 
 Copyright 1915 by Dick & Fitzgerald 
 
 V 
 
 NEW YORK 
 DICK & FITZGERALD 
 
 18 Ann Street 
 
A Transaction In Stocks 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Miss Alice DuBisson Of the staff of Griswold Sanitarium 
 
 Mr. Gerald Farnum A young lawyer 
 
 Mr. Patrick McGrath Attendant at Griswold Sanitarium 
 
 Mr. John Langdon a Mining Promotor 
 
 Dr. Griswold Head of the Sanitarium 
 
 Time.— The present. Locality.— A suburb of New York. 
 
 Time of Playing.— About forty-five minutes. 
 
 COSTUMES 
 
 Miss DuBisson— Conventional. Must be very neat and not 
 elaborate. 
 
 Gerald Farnum — Evening dress. 
 
 Pat McGrath— Blue uniform. Later woman's dress with 
 wig. 
 
 John Langdon — Conventional. He wears grey wig and side- 
 whiskers, carries cane and wears thick eye-glasses. 
 Dr. Griswold — Conventional. 
 
 PROPERTIES 
 
 Writing pads, pencils, letters, books, etc., on desk. Syphon 
 of carbonated water and jar of powders (sugar) on table L 
 Day calendar set to 26th, on wall r. Paper (agreement) for 
 Langdon. Bills, visiting card and watch for Farnum. Watch 
 for Pat. 
 
 STAGE DIRECTIONS 
 
 As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audience, r 
 means right hand ; l., left hand ; c, center of stage ; d. r., door 
 at right ; d. l., door at left ; c. d., center door ; up means toward 
 back of stage ; down, toward footlights. 
 
 TMP96-006776 
 
 
A Transaction In Stocks 
 
 Scene. — The office of the Griswold Sanitarium. Early morn- 
 ing. Flat top desk in c, liberally covered icith papers. 
 Chairs at loth sides of desk. Lounge up r. Screen up l. 
 Table down l. Book-case, filing cabinet, etc. Day calendar 
 set to 26th on wall r. Doors at c. r. and l. DISCOV- 
 ERED Dr. Griswold at desk, absorbed in perusal of let- 
 ter; Gerald Farnum, in full evening dress, stretched out on 
 lounge, sleeping. Pat McGrath standing at foot of lounge, 
 hands on hips, looking down at Farnum. 
 
 Pat. It's a foine lookin' lad he is, Oi'm thinkin', Doctor, 
 
 Dr. Griswold {without looking up). H'di — yes. 
 
 Pat. He don't look wan bit loike the gineral run of booz- 
 fighters what comes here to be cured, he don't. 
 
 Dr. G. (looking up). Some such thought struck me upon 
 my first sight of him. Still, if he is as confirmed in his addic- 
 tion to alcohol as his relatives proclaim him to be, he may prove 
 a troublesome patient. 
 
 Pat. Go on wid ye. Is he as bad as all that? 
 
 Dr. G. Yes, indeed. He has an unenviable reputation. 
 
 Pat. You don't say. Tell us about him, will you, Doc? 
 (Goes down) 
 
 Dr. G. He was brought here in the small hours of the 
 morning in an automobile, by his uncle and another gentle- 
 man. He was in the same unconscious condition in which you 
 see him now and they explained that they were forced to bring 
 him here in that condition, because in his sober moments he 
 does not admit his enslavement to strong drink and refuses to 
 submit to treatment. However, we have his uncle's wTitten per- 
 mission to keep him here until we successfully treat him. 
 
 Pat (scratching his head). Well, you'd niver know it to 
 look at him. He looks as peaceable as a captain in the Salva- 
 tion Army. 
 
 Dr. G. Yes, he certainly lacks the usual outward signs of 
 
 3 
 
 1' » 
 
4 A Transaction in Stocks 
 
 the confirmed alcoholic, but then we must not judge. He may 
 possess one of those freak constitutions which appear to thrive 
 upon debauchery. 
 
 Pat. And phwat might his name be? 
 
 Dr. G. (consulting paper on desk). Er — Gerald Farnum — a 
 lawyer with offices in Broad street. (Consults watch and rises) 
 Well, I must be off. I am going down to New York. I shall 
 be back this afternoon. When he wakes you may assign him 
 a room, and give him one of those powders, (Indicates jar on 
 table) It will help him get on his feet again. (Goes to g. J^.) 
 Remember, he is to have no freedom whatever and is not to 
 be allowed to communicate with his friends by telephone or 
 letter. 
 
 Pat. Oi got you. Doctor. Oi'll kape me eye on him all right, 
 all right. I know how to handle thim birds. 
 
 Db. G. Very well, I leave him in your care. [EXIT d. l. 
 
 Pat. Sure, you niver can be after telling, just like the 
 doctor says. A foiner lookin' lad Oi niver see and, be dad, if 
 he ain't a regular booz-foighter. Well, you see all koinds in a 
 place loike this. (Farnum stirs uneasih/ on lounge and groans 
 softly) Oho! Here he comes. I wonder how he'll loike his 
 new home. (Farnum stirs again and groans louder) Well, 
 me foine lad, how does the marnin' after shtroike ye? 
 
 Farnum (opens his eyes and gazes slowly about without 
 sitting up. Calls weakly). James, 
 
 Pat. Pat's me handle. Pat it is and Oi don't shtand for bein* 
 called James. 
 
 Farnum (muttering). What's that? (Sits up ivith a great 
 deal of effort and talks very iceakly) What time is it? 
 
 Pat. It's noine o'clock, your honor, 
 
 Farnum (sinking back again on lounge). Didn't I tell you 
 to get me up at eight? 
 
 Pat (grinning). Sure you were shlaping so peaceable Oi 
 didn't have the heart to wake you. 
 
 Farnum. Fool ! ( Groans ) Oh, how my head aches ! 
 
 Pat. Well, phwat would you expect it to do? 
 
 Farnum (sitting up). Where was I last night? 
 
 Pat, Oi'll bite. Where were you? 
 
 Farnum. You insolent pup! I'll — (He attempts to rise from 
 lounge and for the first time looks fully at Pat, then sinks 
 slowly back on lounge and becomes aware that he is dressed in 
 evening clothes. He holds out his arms and surveys first him- 
 self and then Pat in great bewilderment. He finally groans) 
 Oh, Lord! (Covers his face with his hands) 
 
A Transaction in Stocks 5 
 
 Pat. Just wakin' up to the fact that you ain't home with 
 James? 
 
 Farnum {looking up). Where am I? 
 
 Pat. You're in Griswold Sanitarium, me boy. 
 
 Farnum. Sanitarium! (Aside) Great Scott, I must have 
 strayed into a lunatic asylum. Am I awake? (Pinches him- 
 self) Ouch! Yes I'm awake all right. Now where the deuce 
 was I last night! Let me see, (Passes hand over forehead) 
 I — I — (Impatiently) Oh, I can't think. My mind is a blank 
 and a blurred blank at that. Oh, my poor head. (To Pat) 
 Say, how long have I been this way? 
 
 Pat. Sure how do Oi know? Oi wasn't with j'ou when you 
 got it. 
 
 Farnum (aside). With me when I got it! What does he 
 mean? 
 
 Pat. Sure Oi almost forgot to remember the powder. 
 (Takes a small square of tissue paper, sprinkles some powder 
 on it and hands it to Farnum) 
 
 Farnum (absently). Thanks. (He rolls it into cigarette 
 form. To Pat) Got a match? 
 
 Pat (aside). Sure did you iver in all your born days see the 
 loike of that? (To Farnum) You don't shmoke that. You 
 eat it — swallow it. 
 
 Farnum. Oh! Well how was I to know? (Swalloics 
 powder. Pat hands him drink from syphon on table. Fasnum 
 drinks. Makes wry face) Ugh ! Gad ! That must be the dark 
 brown taste of the morning after you read about. 
 
 Pat. You don't mane to tell me you had to read about 
 it? 
 
 Farnum. What the deuce are you driving at anyhow? Let 
 me alone will you. I want to think. 
 
 Pat. Go right ahead — if you think you can shtand it. (Sits 
 at desk) 
 
 Farnum (to himself). Now let me see. I went to the theatre 
 with that fellow Donnelly and he took me to supper afterwards. 
 He ordered a bottle of wine (Pauses) and by the way I feel 
 after that bottle, he must have ordered a barrel. (To Pat) 
 Say, do you know I'm beginning to suspect I was drunk. 
 
 Pat. You don't say so. Well, kape quiet about it and nobody 
 will iver get on. 
 
 Farnum (contimiing to himself). The next thing I can re- 
 member I was standing on the corner of Forty-Second Street 
 and Broadway watching a parade of the Bronx Zoo. Green 
 faced giraffes, two-headed zebras with red, white and blue 
 
6 A Transaction in Stocks 
 
 tails, six footed bears and a yellow monkey. I remember a pink 
 goat too. Had seven horns and four tails. Must have been 
 mine. Then the parade passed along and the whole side of the 
 street began to move. I asked a cop how long it would be 
 before my club came along. He told me it had passed long 
 ago and I asked him for a transfer. And .that 'svab^ut as 
 much as I can remember. Seems to me tiit)ugh"I Remember 
 an automobile or something like that. Oh, my head, my poor 
 muddled head. But how did I ever get into this Booby-hatch? 
 (To Pat) Say how in Creation did I get here anyway? 
 
 Pat. You were brought here by your uncle. 
 
 Fabnum (aside). My uncle! Now I know I'm crazy — or else 
 he is. I don't know of any uncle within a thousand miles of 
 here. (To Pat) There must be some mistake about that. 
 I haven't any uncle in this part of the country. 
 
 Pat, Be that as it may. 
 
 Farnum (aside). He doesn't believe me. Maybe he's crazy. 
 Of the harmless variety, no doubt, and the uniform is part of 
 his delusion. (To Pat) I say, old top, are you a keeper here, 
 or — er — or — are you just here. 
 
 Pat. Oi'm the head attendant of this ward, if you plase. 
 
 Fabnum. Good ! Then maybe you can tell me what I am in 
 for. 
 
 Pat. You're in for a pretty rough deal if you don't behave 
 yourself. 
 
 Farnum (aside). I always heard they were brutal in these 
 asylums. (To Pat) But I say w^on't I get a chance to prove 
 my sanity? 
 
 Pat. Your phwat? 
 
 Farnum. My sanity. I'm not crazy, you know. No crazier 
 than you are — maybe not as much. 
 
 Pat. Nobody iver said you were crazy. 
 
 Farnum. They didn't! (Aside) Is he kidding me? I 
 suppose he is waiting for me to announce myself as Julius 
 Caesar or Napoleon Bonaparte. (To Pat) Well, if I'm not 
 crazy why did they bring me here. 
 
 Pat. To cure you of boozin'. 
 
 Farnum. Of ivhatf 
 
 Pat. Boozin' is what Oi said. You heard me, you old 
 rummy. 
 
 Farnum. You infernal w^ild-eyed Irishman. (Rises) If I 
 was myself I'd break you up into little pieces for that. I'll 
 have you understand that I never drink to excess and have 
 
A Transaction in Stocks 7 
 
 never been drunk in all my life — unless it was last night, and 
 I'll be blowed if I know how I got that way then. 
 
 Pat {waving hand). Sure just loike the doctor says. He 
 won't admit it wan bit. 
 
 Farnum. Why, the Temperance Union down home nearly 
 elected me President once and I would have had it too if I 
 hadn't owned a Scotch terrier named " Highball." 
 
 Pat. Aw, tell it to the doctor. 
 
 Farnum. That suits me. Where is the doctor? Bring him 
 in by all means. {Paces about and ivorks r.) 
 
 ENTER Miss DuBisson c. d. She does not see Fabnum. 
 
 Pat {jumping up). Top o' the marnin' to ye, Miss DuBisson. 
 
 Miss DuBisson. Good morning, Patrick. Any mail for me 
 this morning? 
 
 Pat {scanning pile of letters on desk). Sure here's one. Miss. 
 
 Miss DuBisson. Oh, it's from my aunt. {Opens letter and 
 reads. Farnum signals to Pat tcho joins him) 
 
 Farnum {to Pat). Pat, what stage is that where you see 
 angels floating about? 
 
 Pat {to audience). Bedad, the lad's got an eye for the ladies 
 all right, all right. 
 
 Farnum. Who is she? 
 
 Pat. She's a teacher in the deaf and dumb ward. 
 
 Farnum. Deaf and dumb ward? 
 
 Pat. Sure! She teaches thim to read phwat you say from 
 your lips and to holler with their fingers. 
 
 Farnum. Oh, I see. Well, introduce me, will you? She's a 
 perfect peach. 
 
 Pat. Go on wid ye. Do you think the loikes of her would 
 be after shpaking to the loikes of you? 
 
 Farnum {angrihj, seizing Pat's lapels). Look here, Pat, if 
 you say that again there'll be a wake down in your neighbor- 
 hood and you'll play the star role. 
 
 Pat Well, Oi can't do it anyway. She wouldn't shpake 
 to you if I did give you a knock-down. Why you ought to 
 see phwat she did to an old rummy here last week that was 
 
 trying to flirt 
 
 Farnum. You fathead ! You needn't tell her I am supposed 
 to be a recruit in the rummy squad. 
 Pat. Then phwat could Oi tell her? 
 
 Farnum. Oh, any thing but that. Aha ! I've got it. Now 
 I know what's the matter with me. 
 
8 A Transaction in Stocks 
 
 Pat. Phwat's that? 
 
 Farnum (striking chest). I'm deaf and dumb. 
 
 Pat. The divil you say. (Smiling) Well, all right me boy. 
 You're on. Oi'U do it. (Miss DuBisson finishes her letter. 
 She sees Farnum and regards him in great surprise) Ahem — 
 er — er — beggin' your pardon, Miss. 
 
 Miss DuBisson. Yes? 
 
 Pat. Oi've got — er that is we've got a new pupil for you. 
 
 Miss DuBisson. Indeed ! 
 
 Farnum (aside to Pat). Hold on there, Pat. Don't tell her 
 that. I was only joking. 
 
 Miss DuBisson. Is he both deaf and dumb? 
 
 Pat. Er — yes. Miss. You see he came here last night — er — 
 er — speechless, you know. His trunk ain't come yet and he 
 ain't got nothin' but thim glad rags. 
 
 Miss DuBisson. I see. And you say he is totally deaf? 
 
 Pat. Sure, he's as deaf as they come. 
 
 Farnum (aside to Pat). I'll get you for this. 
 
 Miss DuBisson. What a shame ! So young and such a fine 
 looking young man too. (Fabnum swells with pride) 
 
 Pat. Sure, Oi can't see anything foine lookin' about him. 
 (Farnum glares at him) 
 
 Miss DuBisson. Which of the sign languages does he use? 
 
 Pat (smiling). Sure he knows them all. (Fabnum starts) 
 
 Miss DuBisson. That is fortunate indeed. (She makes 
 signs of the deaf and dumb language to Farnum who appears 
 greatly disturbed. Farnum attempts a few signs with his 
 hands but soon gives up in despair and vigorously shakes hia 
 head) 
 
 Pat. Er — Oi was wrong, Miss. Oi was thinkin' of somebody 
 else. You see he ain't had time to learn them signs yet.' He 
 ain't been this way long. He had a shock a while back 
 
 Miss DuBisson. Oh, I see. Well, I shall be pleased to begin 
 instruction whenever he is ready. (Ooes to c. d.) 
 
 Pat. All right, Miss. Oi'll write him a letter about it. 
 
 Miss DuBisson (twning at c. d.). Oh, by the way, Patrick, 
 an agent of a Mr. Langdon has just been to see me and I have 
 an appointment this morning with Mr. Langdon. If you see a 
 gentleman by that name will you kindly call me? (Fabnum 
 repeats ''Langdon'* in a puzzled whisper) 
 
 Pat. Oi'll do that. Miss. 
 
 Miss DuBisson. Very well, thank you. [EXIT c. D. 
 
 Fabnum. Well, you're a fine idiot you are. 
 
 Pat. Didn't you tell me to do it? 
 
A Transaction in Stocks 9 
 
 Fabnum. Oh, haven't you any sense of humor? 
 
 Pat. Sure Oi have. That's why Oi did it. 
 
 Fabnum. Well, I fail to see the joke. Your ideas of humor 
 are rather crude, I should say. Say, what did she say that 
 fellow's name was — the one with whom she has the appoint- 
 ment? 
 
 Pat. Lang— a — something or other. Why? 
 
 Farnum. Yes, Langdon that's it? {To himself) Langdon— 
 DuBisson. What do they mean to me? 
 
 Pat. Phwat's bitinji you now? 
 
 Farnum. Oh, I don't know. (Passes hand over forehead) 
 If I could only get this head of mine working clearly I might 
 tell you. (Paces up and down) 
 
 Pat. That powder will fix you all right. 
 
 Farnum (sees calendar on wall). Say, is that calendar 
 right? 
 
 Pat. Sure it is. Are you still thinkin' you're in a bug- 
 house? 
 
 Farnum. No— but somehow or other all these things seem 
 familiar to me. DuBisson, Langdon and the 26th are associated 
 in my mind, but just how I'll be blessed if I know. 
 
 Pat. That must have been an awful package you had last 
 noight. 
 
 Farnum (gazing at calendar). Let — me — see. . What does 
 the 26th mean to me. What am I suppose to do on the 26th? 
 By George, I've got it. The Mining Board meets to-day. 
 (Turning to Pat) Don't you see? 
 
 Pat. Oh, sure. It's as clear as mud. 
 
 Fabnum. Certainly. Clear as mu— No, you saphead, it's 
 as clear as crystal. The Mining Board meets to-day and 
 Langdon is on it. But DuBisson? Great Scott! The missing 
 shares ! 
 
 Pat. The missing scissors? 
 
 Farnum (greatly excited). No — No — No. I said shares, not 
 shears. Stocks, you know. And she has a business appDint- 
 ment with Langdon. Oh, heavens, we must stop that. Pat, 
 do you hear? We must stop that. 
 
 Pat. Oh, Oi git you all right, all right. What is it? 
 
 Farnum. I see it all now. It's a carefully laid plot with 
 Langdon at the bottom of it. 
 
 Pat (derisively). This Langdon guy must be a bad one 
 though. 
 
 Fabnum. Listen, you numb-skull, and see if this can 
 
10 A Transaction in Stocks 
 
 penetrate that master-piece of the sculptor's art which serves 
 you for a head. 
 
 Pat (to audience). Is he callin' me names? 
 
 Fabnum. I am a director of the Winona Mine, a silver mine 
 which has splendid prospects if capably and honestly managed. 
 I and two others control forty-five per cent, of the stock and a 
 rascally clique of flim-flamming financiers headed by Laugdon 
 controls a like amount — forty-five per cent. Now the other 
 ten per cent of the stock is on our books in the name of 
 Henry DuBisson, a mining engineer who at one time ran the 
 mine. 
 
 Pat (showing interest). The divil, you say. 
 
 Faknum. He died five years ago out in British Colombia 
 but was survived by a daughter, who undoubtedly holds the 
 stock. Needless to say both of us have left nothing undone 
 to locate this girl, but neither one of us has succeeded 
 or at least had not succeeded, the last I heard. The girl is, of 
 course, making no effort to hide herself and according to my 
 detectives this has made the search tremendously difficult. 
 Now Langdon wants control of that company and he wants 
 it badly too. With his schemes of over-capitalization and 
 misleading dividends, he stands to make half a million out of 
 it, and — well, Langdon could be hanged for what he'd do for 
 half a million. 
 
 Pat. And so could Oi. 
 
 Farnum. And now for the plot. The fellow who took me to 
 the theatre last night pretended to be a Western Millionaire, 
 but he was really Langdon's agent. He tried to argue me into 
 selling my stock and when I refused he persuaded me to ac- 
 company him to supper, drugged my food and brought me 
 here. They framed-up a cock and bull story that they cal- 
 culated would keep me here a few days. In the meantime 
 the boar^l meets. My colleagues are there giving Langdon 
 a quorum, but I am absent giving him control. In other 
 words he won't need the missing shares. He can run the meet- 
 ing to suit himself. 
 
 Pat. Well, phwat do you know about that? Oi don't git the 
 foine points but Oi git the main idea. This Langdon guy is a 
 crook and wants to do you dirty. 
 
 Farnum. Exactly. But here is a part I can't explain. 
 Langdon has an appointment with Miss DuBisson, who is un- 
 doubtedly the Miss DuBisson who holds the stock. He made it 
 through an agent this morning. Now how do you account for 
 that? 
 
A Transaction in Stocks 11 
 
 Pat. Begorra, 01 don't. This is your story. 
 
 Farnum. I think I see the explanation of it. I know that 
 Langdon has recently obtained the services of one of the best 
 detectives in the country and no doubt this detective has just 
 succeeded in locating Miss DuBisson. Can you imagine 
 Langdon's feelings when he finds she is under the same roof 
 with me? (Laughs) I wonder whether he will come here and 
 risk meeting me. 
 
 Pat. Sure, Oi suppose he figures we don't let our patients 
 wander around loose. The boss told me to pack you away 
 long ago. 
 
 Farnum. Not to-day, Pat, not to-day. This is my busy day. 
 Fate has smiled upon me and far be it from me not to take 
 advantage of her favor. I must see Miss DuBisson at once. 
 
 Pat. But you can't talk to her. (Strikes chest in imitation 
 of Farnum ) You're deaf and dumb. 
 
 Farnum. So I am, hang it all. And if I tell her the truth 
 now, it will destroy any little confidence she may have in me 
 and she will refuse to treat with me. How long have I got to 
 work? When does the next train arrive from New York? 
 Langdon is sure to be on it. 
 
 Pat (looking at ivatch). In about twinty minutes. 
 
 Farnum. What! In twenty minutes? And you sit there 
 doing nothing? 
 
 Pat. Sure, phwat can Oi do? 
 
 Farnum. I'll tell you. Is there a costumer nearby? 
 
 Pat. You mean where you git suits for the masquerade? 
 
 Farnum. Yes, that's it. 
 
 Pat. Sure. There's one right down the line next to Duffy's 
 cafe. 
 
 Farnum. Well, you rusli down there as fast as you can 
 move and have them fit you out as a lady. 
 
 Pat. Me? A lady? 
 
 Farnum. Yes. Don't you see when Langdon calls you are 
 Miss DuBisson and you refuse to sell your stock at any price. 
 
 Pat. Bedad, it's the divil of a lookin' girl Oi'll make, Oi'm 
 a thinkin'. 
 
 Farnum. Oh, don't worry about that, you'll do all right. 
 Langdon is near-sighted and he won't be able to tell you from 
 Lillian Russell. (Hands him hill) Here, take this money and 
 
 Pat. Well Oi'll do it to help you out, but Oi won't be 
 reshponsible wan bit. 
 Faenum. Oh, go on. Hurry now and don't fall into Duffy's. 
 
12 A Transaction in Stocks 
 
 (Pushes Pat otit of d. l. EXIT Pat) Now I must see Miss 
 DuBisson and put myself straight with her. But how? I'd 
 hate to get in bad with her. (Smiles) Gad, isn't she a peach 
 though? 
 
 ENTER Miss DuBisson c. d. 
 
 Miss DuBisson. I wonder if I left my manual here. 
 (Searches around desk) 
 
 Faenum (to audience). Ah, there she is. Luck is with me 
 again. Now how the deuce am I going to begin? 
 
 Miss DuBisson. Ah, I see my new pupil is still here. I 
 must find out more about him. I wonder who he is. 
 
 Farnum (to audience). That's my cue. (Takes card from 
 pocket and bowing formally, hands it to Miss DuBisson) 
 
 NOTE. — During the following scene all lines, except " asides ** 
 are written. Miss DuBisson reads aloud as she writes and 
 then hands papers to Faenum who reads silently. Miss 
 DuBisson also reads aloud Fabnum's lines each time as he 
 hands her what he has written. Care should be taken not to 
 drag this scene. 
 
 Miss DuBisson (reading card). Gerald Farnum, counsellor, 
 at law. How funny, a lawyer who can't talk. (Farnum sits 
 at desk and tcrites) Oh, he is writing to me. (Farnum hands 
 paper to Miss DuBisson, who reads aloud) When may I begin 
 my studies? (Aside) He wants to begin at once, poor fellow. 
 How dreadful it must be to be unable to communicate with 
 one's fellow beings, except in writing — and a lawyer too. (Sits 
 at other side of desk, writes and reads aloud as she writes) 
 You may begin at once. (Hands paper to Farnum ivho reads 
 and smiles thankfully at her. Aside) Oh, I think he has the 
 loveliest eyes. 
 
 Farnum (writes — May I ask your name?) 
 
 Miss DuBisson (reads). May I ask your name? (Aside) 
 T* wonder if he is trying to flirt. No, it is natural that he 
 should want to know my name and he doesn't look like a flirt. 
 (Writes) My name is Alice DuBisson. 
 
 Farnum (raising eyebrows in feigned surprise. Writes — 
 Your name is very familiar) 
 
 Miss DuBisson (reads). Your name is very familiar. 
 (Aside) Yes, I believe he is trying to flirt. I must not let it go 
 further. He certainly has dandy eyes, and such a cute mouth, 
 quite kissable. 
 
A Transaction in Stocks 
 
 13 
 
 Faenvm (stirs uneasily. Aside). I wonder if I am blushing 
 MissDuBissoN (imYes). DuBisson is an odd name Where 
 
 ^tr Tn^T''^ '^ ^"^^''- ^^^^^^) There, that will stump 
 him. He 11 have quite a time thinking up where he heard mv 
 name before. "^ 
 
 Z'^IT^ ^'"'^'^'''r^ ^'""^"^ ""^ ^ ^^'^^"^ ^^^ ^y that name) 
 Miss DuBisson (reads). I knew of a Western man by that 
 name. (Aside) I wonder if that was a chance shot or whether 
 he really knew father. I know what I'll do. Father was a 
 mining engineer, so to catch him VU ask him if the man he 
 knew was a doctor. (Writes) Was he a doctor? 
 Farnum (writes—No, he was a mining engineer) 
 
 ,4^T.^T^^T ^'''''^'^' ^^' ^'^ ^'^^« ^ °^i"i"g engineer. 
 (Aside) It looks as if he did know father after all. I must 
 put him to one more test. Our home was in Butte, so I'll 
 ask him— (She pauses, pencil poised over paper. Writes) Did 
 he live in San Francisco? 
 
 Farnum (ivrites—lSlo, in Butte, Montana) 
 
 Miss DuBisson (reads). No, in Butte, Montana. (Aside) 
 Oh, he did know father. Isn't it strange ! ( Writes) That was 
 my father. (Aside) Now, how could he have known dad? 
 
 Farnum (icrites—1 am glad to meet his daughter. I knew of 
 him through the Winona Mine) 
 
 Miss DuBisson (reads). I am glad to meet his daughter 
 I knew of him through the Winona Mine. (Aside) Through 
 the Winona! That is stranger still. I wonder if he is in- • 
 terested in the Winona. 
 
 Farnum (writes— 1 am a stockholder and a director in the 
 Winona ) 
 
 Miss DuBisson (reads). I am a stockholder and a director 
 in the Winona. (Aside) Gracious, that's uncanny! He seems 
 to read my thoughts. I hadn't noticed it before. 
 
 Farnum (ivrites—Mny I ask if you have any stock of that 
 mine?) 
 
 Miss DuBisson (reads). May I ask if you have any stock of 
 that mine? (Aside) Can it be that he wants to buy that stock 
 too? (Writes) Yes. 
 
 Farnum (writes— Vll buy that stock at your own price) 
 Miss DuBisson (reads). I'll buy that stock at your own 
 price. (Aside) There is something peculiar about this. Why 
 should both these men want to buy that stock? Why. I have 
 never received a cent from it and I thought it was worthless. 
 I wonder why they are both so anxious to get it. I suppose I 
 Should have asked more for it. Well, it's too late now. 
 
14 A Transaction in Stocks 
 
 (Farnum grips table) I signed a contract with that man this 
 morning and Mr. Langdon will be here soon to close the deal. 
 
 Farnum (aside). Damn! 
 
 Miss DuBisson (tvrites). I have already sold my stock. 
 
 Farnum {after reading paper, jumps up. Aside). Can you 
 beat that for luck? Oh, for a good loud holler! 
 
 Miss DuBisson (aside). He seems awfully put out about it. 
 I'm sorry I can't sell those old stocks to him. I've taken quite 
 a fancy to him. (Farnum smiles at this) If he wasn't deaf 
 and dumb what a splendid husband he would make. Well, I 
 think I shall have to get his mind away from those stocks. 
 I'll change the topics. 
 
 Farnum (aside). Unlucky lii business, but how's that for 
 luck in love? Think I'll propose now. 
 
 Miss DuBisson (ivrites). This was to have been a lesson in 
 sign languages. (Rises and hands paper to Farnum) 
 
 Farnum (returning to desk, writes — How do you say I love 
 you?) 
 
 Miss DuBisson (reads). How do you say I love you? 
 (Aside) What a question! (Suddenly turns to desk and 
 writes) You don't say that with your fingers. You say it with 
 your arms. (Hands paper to Farnum who reads it and makes 
 a move toward her, hut she eludes him. EXIT laughingly c. d.) 
 
 Farnum (following her to c. d.). Isn't she a corker? By 
 George, there's no doubt about it, this is my lucky day. I'll 
 beat Langdon to that stock yet. 
 
 ENTER Pat d. l., in woman's costume and ivig. He saunters c, 
 attempts a courtesy, stumbles and falls in a heap. 
 
 Farnum (laughing). Pat, the elephant is a wood-nymph com- 
 pared to you. If you can't do better than that, you're fired. 
 
 Pat (sitting up). Sure, go ahead and fire me. You can't 
 make me mad. 
 
 Farnum. Oh, cheer up, you'll soon get the hang of it. 
 
 Pat (rising). Bedad, that's jist phwat bothers me is the hang 
 of it. Sure the bloody things hang all around you and, begorra, 
 Oi can't tell whether Oi'm comin' or goin'. 
 
 Farnum (laughs). That's tough, Pat. But say, you'll have 
 to modulate your voice a bit, you know. 
 
 Pat (in a high falsetto). How's that? 
 
 Farnum. Rotten ! Cut that. 
 
 Pat. Well, that's the best Oi can do. 
 
 Farnum. Then you will have to tell him you're a suffragette 
 and ruined your voice hollering Votes for Women, 
 
A Transaction in Stocks 15 
 
 Pat. Oi'll do that. 
 
 Fabnum. Now listen closely, Pat. She has already signed 
 an agreement to sell her stock to Langdon and he is coming 
 to close the deal. Now you tell him you have seen your lawyer 
 and have been advised not to sell. Bluff him out of it if you 
 can, you know. 
 
 Pat. Sure Oi got you. But phwat do you suppose the boss 
 will say when he hears of me playing masquerade. 
 
 Farnum. Oh, I'll fix that all right, Pat. 
 
 Pat. Well, if anybody was to tell me Oi'd do this for them, 
 Oi'd bouce me fist off his dome, Oi would. 
 
 Farnum. You have gone too far to back out now, Pat. 
 (Footsteps arc heard of stage) Hush, here he is now I'll 
 wager. Quick now, pull yourself together. I'll vanish. (Goes 
 behind screen) Remember now, Pat, you wouldn't sell that 
 stock to your own brother for less than a million. 
 
 Pat. Righto. {Sits at table) 
 
 ENTER Langdon, d. l. He gazes cautiously about, sees Pat 
 and starts. 
 
 Langdon. Ahem — My good girl, can you tell me how I can see 
 Miss DuBisson? 
 
 Pat. Oi can. 
 
 Langdon {after pause). Well then, how can I? 
 
 Pat. Take a look. 
 
 Langdon. Eh ! 
 
 Pat. Oi said take a look. 
 
 Langdon {aside). Great Scott, can it be that that young 
 washerwoman is the girl? {To Pat) Do I understand you to 
 say you are Miss DuBisson? 
 
 Pat. You do. 
 
 Langdon {aside). How extraordinary! (To Pat) Well, I 
 am Mr. Langdon. I came about 
 
 Pat. Oh, Oi know you alright. 
 
 Langdon. Well then, my dear Miss DuBisson, let us get 
 down to business at once. 
 
 Pat. You said a page full, turn over. 
 
 Langdon. What's that? Ah — er — may I — er — ask if we 
 are — er — safe from interruption? 
 
 Pat. Sure, you're as safe as you would be on a battlefield. 
 
 Langdon. Eh! {Aside) Dashed if I can follow her. {To 
 Pat) There is no danger then of any of the patients intruding? 
 
 Pat. Not wan bit. Oi just locked them all up for the day. 
 
16 A Transaction in Stocks 
 
 Langdon. Very good. Very good indeed. Then we shall 
 dispense with any further parleying and close the deal at once. 
 
 Farnum {from, 'behind screen). Look out now, Pat. 
 
 Langdon. I suppose, my dear Miss DuBisson, you keep your 
 stock in a safe deposit vault? 
 
 Pat. Look here now, young feller, don't you call me your 
 dear 'cause Oi ain't used to no such talk 
 
 Langdon. Of course, how careless of me. Well then, Miss 
 DuBisson, may I inquire where you keep your stock? 
 
 Pat {feigning shyness). Oh, Oi couldn't tell that to a gentle- 
 man. 
 
 Langdon. You couldn't? Why not? 
 
 Pat. Well you see Oi'm in the habit of carrying all me 
 valuables around with me and 
 
 Langdon {aside). Great Heavens ! Maybe that accounts for 
 her shape. {To Pat) Well, of course, my dear — er — that is, 
 Miss DuBisson, that is a detail we can arrange later. Now we 
 have yet to arrange the trifling matter of the price at which 
 I shall take these over. 
 
 Pat. One million will suit me. 
 
 Langdon. One million? Are you crazy? 
 
 Pat. Make it a billion, and for that matter while Oi'm 
 at it Oi might as well make it a trillion. Sure if Oi had any 
 education Oi'd raise you higher than that, but bedad, that's the 
 highest Oi know. 
 
 Langdon. What is the meaning of this rambling talk? 
 
 Pat. It's all off. That's phwat it means. 
 
 Farnum {from behind screen. Aside to Pat). Thata boy, 
 Pat, thata boy. 
 
 Langdon. What are you talking about? 
 
 Pat. That's plain enough, ain't it. Oi said it's all off. 
 
 Langdon. Has anyone been tampering with you? What is 
 the reason for this sudden change? 
 
 Pat. Me lawyer won't let me sell. 
 
 Langdon. Oh, that is it, is it? He wants his share of the 
 pie. Well, who is he? I'll fix him up. 
 
 Pat. What's that to you who he is? 
 
 Langdon. Look here, young lady, I'll have you understand 
 I am not to be trifled with in this matter. I didn't come all 
 the way from New York on a fool's errand. 
 
 Pat. Sure, you invited yourself. 
 
 Langdon. That is not the question. You agreed to sell me 
 your stock in the Winona Mining Company and unless you 
 agree to terms within reason I shall take them from you 
 
A Transaction in Stocks 17 
 
 without paying you a cent. (Aside) A little bluff will do it. 
 
 Pat (rising). You will, will you? Well, I'd loike to see you 
 try any of those shenanigans with me. 
 
 Fabnum (from behind screen, aside to Pat). Good boy, Pat. 
 Keep it up. 
 
 Langdon. You leave me no other course by this foolhardy 
 procedure. 
 
 Pat. Oi don't, heh? Well one more from you loike that and 
 Oi'U knock you so far it will cost you ten cents to send a postal. 
 
 Langdon (rising). Don't you dare threaten me with violence, 
 you brazen Amazon. 
 
 Pat. Brazen Amityzon is it? Well, bedad, Oi'U show you 
 to call a reshpectable workin' girl names loike that. (Advances 
 toward Langdon brandishing fists) 
 
 Langdon. Keep away, I warn you, or I shall be compelled to 
 strike you. (Raises cane threateningly) 
 
 Pat (to audience). Sure, and did you git that? He wants 
 to hit me with that shilaleh. (To Langdon) Begorra, you old 
 fog-eyed turnip, Oi'll show you. (Makes a pass at Langdon, 
 ivho backs away) 
 
 Langdon (shouting). Don't you dare, keep away, I tell you! 
 (Pat follows him and Langdon strikes him with cane. Pat 
 staggers slightly from force of bloiv and is just setting himself 
 for a blow at Langdon when Fabnum rushes out from behind 
 screen, seizes Pat by shoulders and forces him to floor) 
 
 Fabnum (in a whisper to Pat). Lie still, Pat. Don't move, 
 don't breathe. You're dead ! 
 
 Langdon (starting back). Farnum! 
 
 Fabnum (kneeling at Pat's side). Yes, Mr. Langdon, just 
 in time to witness the fatal blow. 
 
 Langdon (in a hoarse whisper). Fatal! Good God, Farnum, 
 don't say that. 
 
 Fabnum. Your blow struck her temple. (Listening at Pat's 
 heart) The girl is dead! 
 
 Langdon. Dead? Oh, my God! (He sinks into chair and 
 sobs aloud) 
 
 Fabnum. Come, Mr. Langdon, this is no time for maudlin 
 sentimentality. (Pat lifts his head to view the proceedings, 
 but Fabnum pushes him back ivith his foot while facing 
 Langdon) 
 
 Langdon. Farnum, you know it was self defense. 
 
 Fabnum. I know nothing of the sort. (liANGDON breaks out 
 sobbing again) As I came through that door I saw you strike 
 this poor girl with your cane. That is all I know. 
 
18 A Transaction in Stocks 
 
 Langdon {tremUing). But it teas self defense, Farnum. 
 It was, I tell you, it was. 
 
 Faenum. You could hardly expect a jury to consider a plea 
 of self defense when the victim is a frail little girl like that. 
 {Points to Pat, ivlio shakes ivith laughter. Fabnum silences 
 him with a sideivise kick) 
 
 Langdon. I tell you, Farnum, she would have killed me. 
 There was murder in her eye. Oh, what can I do, what can I 
 do! 
 
 ' Farnum. Langdon, if you tell me the truth I may be able 
 to save you from the electric chair. 
 
 Langdon (in terror). For God's sake, Farnum, don't say 
 that. 
 
 Farnum. Why not? What is ahead of you? A speedy trial, 
 a speedier conviction, then a lone dark cell and finally some 
 fine morning a trip through a low green door 
 
 Langdon {shrieking). Stop! Stop! 
 
 Farnum. Langdon, tell me why did you come here to see that 
 girl. The truth now ! 
 
 Langdon {ivhimpering) . Her name is DuBisson, she 
 
 Farnum. The holder of the missing shares? 
 
 Langdon. Yes. 
 
 Farnum. And she would not sell? 
 
 Langdon. No, no, no. My man saw her this morning and 
 she agreed to sell. I have her signed statement. 
 
 Farnum. Very well. I'll tell you what I will do. You give 
 me that signed statement and I will see that this goes as self 
 defense. 
 
 Langdon. You will? God bless you. {Pauses) But no, I 
 won't give up that statement. It isn't fair, Farnum, for you 
 to take advantage of my unfortunate position and rob me of 
 the fruits of my toil. 
 
 Farnum. Your toil? Why, you sharping, thieving — but come 
 — I won't waste words on that now. {Goes to d. l. and takes 
 out ivatch) You will hand me that paper in sixty seconds or I 
 call the police. 
 
 Langdon. No, no. Don't do that. {His gaze ivanders from 
 Farnum to the inert form of Pat. He starts violently) All 
 right, I'll give it to you. Here it is. (Hands paper to Farnum, 
 who pockets it with a smile of triumph) 
 
 Farnum. Very good. Now it remains for me to get you out 
 of here as quickly as possible. 
 
 Miss DuBisson (heard calling off stage). Patrick. 
 
 Langdon. What is that? 
 
A Transaction in Stocks 19 
 
 Farnum {goes to c. d., aside). Great Heavens, if she comes 
 in here now she will spoil it all. {Returns to Langdon) 
 Quick, someone is coming. {Hustles Langdon off d. r.) Get 
 in here and don't move till I call you. I will dispose of the 
 corpse for the time being. (EXIT Langdon. To Pat) Come 
 now, get up and get behind that screen. 
 
 Pat {scramUing to Ms feet). Will Oi have to be dead again.' 
 Farnum. I don't know yet. Get in there and keep quiet. 
 {Pttshes Pat J)eJiind screen) Just when I thought I had every- 
 thing fixed ! Langdon is sure to find out how we tricked him 
 unless I can get him out of here in a hurry. What shall I do? 
 (Ooes E.) 
 
 ENTER Ikliss DuBissoN c. D. 
 
 Miss DuBisson {ga:ses ahout). No one here but my hand- 
 some new scholar. I fancied I heard sounds of a struggle 
 coming from here. Must have been one of those awful patients 
 in the alcoholic ward. I hope he is not around here now. 
 {Walks about looking for a possible hidden intruder) 
 
 Farnum {aside). I've got it. I'm going to try it while my 
 luck holds out. If I can get her to marry me, I'll be as happy 
 as a lark and Langdon can find out as much as he pleases 
 I'm going to propose this minute. {Strides holdlij over to Miss 
 DuBissoN. She turns and their eyes meet. Farnum swallows 
 hard and they stand looking into each othefs eyes for a 
 moment. Suddenly) Say, will you mai-ry ^le? ^ (Miss 
 DuBissoN screams and runs to other side of room Farnum 
 folloivs her) There's nothing to be frightened about. I-l-i 
 didn't mean any harm, you know. 
 
 Miss DuBissoN. And can you hear too? 
 
 Farnum. Perfectly. .^ r^ ^^« 
 
 IMiss DuBissoN. And to think of all I've said. Oh, you 
 wretch you— you viUain! {Buries face in hands) 
 
 F^n'um Oh, please don't take it like that, it was only one 
 
 ""^If '(/'o'f 6eS'.creen). That's right! blame it all on me 
 Miss DUBISSON. Don't say another word. Don't speak to 
 
 "farVum'' Burwon't you listen to me? Won't you let me 
 
 ^^l!Sgdon {Sticks head out of d. r., and signals to Farnum). 
 
 ""'farnum {aside to Langdon). Get back iu there. What do 
 you want? 
 
20 A Transaction in Stocks 
 
 Langdon (iveakly). I can't, Farnum, I can't. (Farnum goes 
 to D. L.) I see strange white shapes and I thought I heard a" 
 woman's scream just like she must have screamed, although I 
 don't remember. 
 
 Farnum. Just your imagination. Now get back there and 
 stay in there till I call you. 
 
 Langdon {points to screen, over the top of tchich Pat's head 
 is seen gazing inquiringly about). My God, look! 
 
 Farnum. Well, stay in there and you won't see those things. 
 (Pushes Langdon back and closes the door. Miss DuBisson 
 has seated herself and is crying quietly, her face in her hands 
 Farnum goes to her side) Let me tell my story before you pass 
 judgment on me, won't you? 
 
 Miss DuBisson. But you had no right to let me say all those 
 things about you. You're — you're mean. 
 
 Farnum. Well, that's some improvement over wretch and 
 villain. {Seizes her hand) Listen, girlie, I am here through 
 a queer combination of circumstances and it will take me a long 
 while to tell you all the details, but it won't take me long to 
 tell you that from the moment I first laid eyes on you, less than 
 an hour ago, I knew you and I were meant for each other. 
 You are the girl I've been looking for all these years — ever 
 since I first knew the meaning of the word love. I don't need 
 to know you any more intimately than I do now to realize that 
 you are the only girl in the world for me. I can see it in your 
 eyes. Come, now that a kind Providence has brought us to- 
 gether, surely you won't spoil it all by saying no. Let me hear 
 you say yes. 
 
 Miss DuBisson. No — I won't say yes — I won't, I won't ! 
 
 Farnum. But dearie, you, yourself said I would make a fine 
 husband If I could talk. Now let me spend the rest of my days 
 telling you what a fine wife you'll make. {Places his arm 
 around her) Ah, go on, marry me, won't you please? 
 
 Miss DuBisson. I won't, I won't. (Farnum draws her 
 gently to him) I won't, I tell you I won't. I — {She buries her 
 face on Farnum's shoulder and murmurs) won't. 
 
 Farnum {patting her shoulder). No, of course not, darling. 
 You won't refuse me. {She clings to him half sobbing) 
 
 Pat {from behind screen). Well, can you beat that? If that 
 boy stays here much longer he'll own the place. 
 
 Langdon {coming out of d. r. ). Farnum, I tell you I can't 
 stand it alone in there. {Sees Farnum and Miss DuBisson in 
 embrace) Eh! What's this? 
 
A Transaction in Stocks 21 
 
 Faenum. You here again? Didn't I tell you to stay in 
 there? 
 
 Langdon. Don't make me go back there, Farnura. I can't, I 
 can't. (In a hushed whisper) She is always at my elbow and 
 I hear a voice saying, you killed Miss DuBisson, you killed 
 Miss DuBisson. 
 
 Miss DuBisson. Killed Miss DuBisson? What do you mean? 
 I am Miss DuBisson, 
 
 Langdon. You — you Miss DuBisson? 
 
 Miss DuBisson. That is my name. 
 
 Farnum. Let me explain, darling. This man and myself are 
 both directors in the Winona Mine. He has tried repeatedly to 
 secure control of the Company and by his nefarious schemes 
 run it to rack and ruin and robbed every stockholder in the 
 company. I was able to block his schemes, because I control 
 as much stock as he does. Your stock would give either one 
 of us control, and naturally we have both tried to locate you 
 and buy your stock. Last night, despairing of finding you, he 
 had me neatly drugged and brought here hoping to prevent 
 my presence at the Board meeting to-day. By a peculiar chance 
 he put me under the same roof with you, a fact which his 
 detective discovered this morning. 
 
 Miss DuBisson. That man was a detective? 
 
 Farnum. Yes, a detective hired by Langdon here to trace 
 you. Then, to resume my explanation. I was passed off as 
 deaf and dumb by Pat and I learned of your arrangements 
 with Langdon. I got Pat to impersonate you and we gave Mr. 
 Langdon a little taste of his own methods and succeeded in 
 convincing him he killed you during an altercation which took 
 place when Pat refused to sell the stock. Then Mr. Langdon 
 was kind enough to give me the agreement you signed this 
 morning, and well, that explains all. 
 
 Miss DuBisson. What a strange story ! It has been a most 
 peculiar transaction in stocks, but I see everything clearly now. 
 
 Langdon (who has recovered). Yes, and so do I. (To 
 Farnum) And as for you, you smart Alec, I shall have the 
 pleasure of seeing you in jail in a very few minutes. 
 
 Farnum. Better go slow, Langdon. You haven't much to go 
 on, you know, and besides I imagine some of your friends 
 would be rather amused to learn how easy it is to fool the 
 crafty Langdon. 
 
 Pat (coming out from behind screen). Yes, and besides you 
 ain't through with me yet. 
 
22 A Transaction in Stocks 
 
 Faenum. You will have to be generous, Pat, and call your 
 score settled. 
 
 Langdon. You can't bully me with fear of ridicule or 
 violence. I'll gladly face the ridicule and all just to have the 
 pleasure of seeing this young lady's testimony send you to jail. 
 
 Farnum {laughs). You'd better act quickly if you are count- 
 ing on this little girl's testimony. 
 
 Langdon. Quickly? Why? 
 
 Farnum. Well, you see in this country they don't allow a 
 wife to testify against a husband. 
 
 Langdon. Husband — wife? 
 
 Farnum. Yes. Or rather we will be as soon as I can find a 
 parson, 
 
 Pat. Yes, and in the manetime, you flat-faced old mud turtle, 
 you'd better be gettin' along before Oi forget Oi'm a gentle- 
 man. 
 
 Langdon {choking with rage, seises hat and cane which are 
 proffered him by Farnum, utters a loud bah, stalks to d. l., 
 endeavors to speak, dut his efforts to articulate end in another 
 loud BAH. EXITS hurriedly d. l.) 
 
 Faiinvm {laughingly). So much for Mr. Langdon. And now, 
 dearie, do you think we could use Pat around the house? 
 
 Miss DuBissoN. Indeed we can. He has had such good ex- 
 perience as a girl. 
 
 Pat. That Oi have, but Oi go as meself or not at all. 
 
 Farnum. Don't worry about that, Pat. We'll take you just 
 as you are — just plain Pat. Now your first duty will be to run 
 down to the garage and get a car to take us to New York. 
 
 Pat. Righto! Oi can take a hint when it comes my way. 
 
 [EXIT D. L. 
 
 Farnum {returning to Miss DuBisson). And now, dearie, 
 how was that you say " I love you " in the sign language? 
 {She throws her arms around him) 
 
 QUICK CURTAIN. 
 
PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE 
 
 A Comedy in Three Ads, by Frank H. Bernard 
 
 PRICE 25 CENTS 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 Philip Morningside, a promising New York Attorney. 
 Major Philander Mumfo'rd, a Veteran of '6i. 
 Pierre Marquette, of Paris and New York. 
 
 Patrick Mooney, M. P., Secretary of the Home Rule Association 
 Peter Martin, a timid young man with a desire to be "sporty." 
 Paul Marvel, a private detective. 
 
 Phyllis Morningside, Pliilip's up-to-date wife with ambitions. 
 Phoebe Martingale, has been a widow on four occasions. 
 Penelope Mumford, a veritable "butter-in" at all times. 
 Patrice Mumford, her only child. She has just "come out." 
 Angela ) 
 
 Alice >- Trio of Vassar "bright lights." 
 Amy \ 
 
 Pansy, a housemaid of the "fresh" variety. 
 Patience, who also assumes "domestic" affairs. 
 
 Two Scenes, One Interior and One Exterior. 
 Time of Representation — Two hours. 
 Phyllis, wife of Fliilip, is to inherit the fortune of a deceased East 
 Indian uncle, provided she marries his adopted son, who presumably is about 
 to visit her. Being already married and most desirous of obtaining the 
 fortune, she conceals the matter from her husband. Two men call upon 
 her bearing introductory letters which she does not read, supposing each in 
 turn to be the adopted son. The subterfuges she invents to account for 
 their presence lead to many perplexing mistakes, which are finally satis- 
 factorily arranged when it transpires that her husband is identified as the 
 adopted son. 
 
 THE RED ROSETTE 
 
 A WESTERN DRAMA IN THREE ACTS. BY GORDON V. MAY 
 
 PRICE 25 CENTS 
 
 A typical drama of the Far West. The Major in command of a military 
 fort advertises in New York papers for a wife, and elicits a response from 
 a rich middle-aged lady. As a means of identification, each is to wear a red 
 rosette. The lady arrives accompanied by her niece. The rosettes get 
 into other hands, resulting in complications both ludicrous and serious. The 
 niece is abducted and rescued by a young officer, a previous West Point 
 acquaintance. The results are obvious. This play offers fine opportunities 
 for character parts, and is replete with startling situations. 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Major Philander Braggs, who owns one rosette Character 
 
 Miss Ophelia Skidder, who ov.ns the opposite rosette Old Lady 
 
 Lieut. Philip Manley, who gets the Major's rosette Lead 
 
 Clare Brooks, who gets the other rosette .Lead 
 
 Robert Ruthvan, who gets into trouble Heavy 
 
 Dandy Davis, who gets his deserts Heavy 
 
 Tom Scott, Sheriff, who gets his man Straight 
 
 Pop Bowley, who gets some boarders Straight 
 
 Kitty Bowley, who gets Tom Scott Ingenue 
 
 Three Scenes, Two Interior and One Exterior. 
 Tims of Representation — Two hours. 
 
NEW PLAYS 
 
 ROYAL CINCH, A. is cents, a farce comedy in 3 acts, by FRANK 
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 HCX)SIER SCHOOL, The. is cents, a farcical sketch in I act, by 
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 SCRUBTOWN SEWING CIRCLE'S THANKSGIVING, The. 
 
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 DOLLY'S DOUBLE. 1 5 cents, a musical vaudeville sketch in i act, 
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 JOHN'S EMMY, is cents. A vaudeville sketch in one act, by Charles 
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 DELEGATES FROM DENVER, The 2s cents. A farcical 
 
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 scenes. Time, 45 minutes. Margaret is a candidate for president of the Eta Pi 
 Sorority which meets at Boston. John has proposed to her, but she defers her answer, 
 as she purposes if elected to devote her whole time to the Sorority. Two delegates 
 from Denver decline to attend ; John and Edward plan to represent them and vote 
 against Margaret^ and also to prevent her from going to Boston. Their plan partially 
 succeeds, but it ends in discovery, explanations, and Margaret's engagement to John, 
 including some other pleasant denouements. The action is absurdly farcical, and very 
 much ahve from start to finish. 
 
 RAINBOW KIMONA, The. 2S cents, a comedy for girls in 2 acts, 
 by Eleanor Maud Crane. 9 female characters, i interior scene. Time, an hour 
 and a half. The Rainbow Kimona is a club composed of seven of the Senior Class 
 of Miss Penelope Wright's Collegiate School, each member wearing a Kimona 
 representing one of the seven colors of the Rainbow. In a small apartment an 
 entertainment is arranged in which each girl assumes a leading character in one of 
 Shakespeare's plays, burlesqued in outrageously comical style. Incidentally, articles 
 have been mysteriously missing from time to time. The purloiner is supposed to be 
 a ghost, but eventually proves to be one of the girls walking in her sleep. The whole 
 thing is a medley of the most attractive and amusing kind in its absurdities and 
 originality of conception. 
 
MILITARY PLAYS 
 
 25 CENTS EACH 
 
 M. P. 
 
 BY THE ENEMY'S HAND. 4 Acts; 2 hours ^O 4 
 
 EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2}4 hours 10 4 
 
 PRISONER OF ANDERSONVILLE. 4 Acts; 2^ hours.. 10 4 
 
 CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; li^ hours 9 6 
 
 ISABEL, THE PEARL. OF CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours 9 3 
 
 LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 4 4 
 
 BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 2]^ hours 9 3 
 
 BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 3 
 
 RURAL PLAYS 
 
 25 CENTS EACH 
 
 MAN FROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 9 
 
 AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 2^4 hours 8 
 
 OAK FARM. 3 Acts; 21^ hours; 1 Stage Settuig 7 
 
 GREAT WINTERSON MINE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 
 
 SQUIRE THOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2]^ hours 5 
 
 WHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 3Acts;2hours 4 
 
 FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; Ihour... 6 
 
 LETTER FROM HOME. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 
 
 ENTERTAINMENTS 
 
 25 CENTS EACH 
 
 AUNT DINAH'S QUILTING PARTY. 1 Scene 5 11 
 
 BACHELOR MAIDS' REUNION. 1 Scene 2 30 
 
 IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; li^ hours 19 15 
 
 JAPANESE WEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour 3 10 
 
 MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 
 
 OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; 1«4 hours 4 4 
 
 YE VILLAGE SKE^VL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 
 
 FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 
 
 JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 
 
 CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes 15 14 
 
 EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 8 
 
 BUNCH OF ROSES. (l5 cents.) 1 Act; IJ^ hours 1 13 
 
 OVER THE GARDEN WALL. (15 cents) 11 8 
 
 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 
 
COMEDIES AND I 
 
 25 CENTS EACI 
 
 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 015 910 044 3 
 
 BREAKING HIS BONDS. 4 Acts; 2ho 
 BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. 3 Acts; 2^^ hours. 
 
 COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 9 
 
 COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 2}^ hours 9 
 
 DEACON. 5 Acts; 21^ hours., 8 
 
 DELEGATES FROM DENVER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 3 
 
 DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3Act8;2hours 6 
 
 E ASTSIDERS, Tlie. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 8 
 
 ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours 7 
 
 GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 2}^ hours 5 
 
 GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2}^ hours 5 
 
 IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 3 Acts; li^ hours 4 
 
 JAILBIRD. 5 Acts; 21^ hours 6 
 
 JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4Act8;2hours 7 
 
 MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 21^ hours 9 
 
 MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2}^ hours 13 
 
 NEXT DOOR. 3Acts;2hours 6 
 
 PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 
 
 REGULAR FLIRT. 3Acts;2hours 4 
 
 ROGUE'S LUCK. 3 Acts; 2 hours .'. 5 
 
 SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 5 Acts; 2i^ hours 6 
 
 STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2!^ hours 5 
 
 WHAT'S NEXT? 3 Acts; 2i^ hours 7 
 
 WHITE LIE. 4Acts; 2i^hour8 4 
 
 WESTERN PLAYS 
 
 25 CENTS EACH 
 
 ROCKY FORD. 4 Acts; 2 hours 8 
 
 GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 21^ hours.... 11 
 
 RED ROSETTE. 3 Acts: 2 hours 6 
 
 MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2^^ hours... 5 
 
 STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 
 
 CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 214 hours. 9 
 
 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 
 
■iiilli 
 
 015 910 044 3 # 
 
 Hollinger Corp. 
 pH8.5