E 670 .L82 Copy 1 i /. .^r />:x . ,v' <, 670 .82 >py 1 THE IfflfBMin Crisis 111 111 Biiocracf, \/BKEEF AND COM ISK STATEMENT UV THE PAST EXPEIUENCK, PRESENT CO^^DISH- UN AND EUCHER HOPES UV THE %''DIMOKRATIO PARTY: INCI.UOUIN THE ^lOST PK03IINENT- REESONB WHY EVRY DIMO- KRAT WHO LOVES HIS PARTY SHOOD VOTE FOR SEEMORE Biitl BURE, and agin GRANT and COLFAX. By petroleum Y/ NASBY, Formt-rly Pastei in '.lisu;'0 of the Church of the Noo Dispensashnn, la+t Per/esj Bi'blikle Politics m the Southern Military and Classicle Institoot, and no— PostmftPtornt Confotlrit X IJoiids, \v"ich is in the State uv Kentucky. TOLEDO, OHIO : . MILLER, LOCKE & CO r>EDIOASHUN, To HORASHO SEEMORE, The troo Dimokrat, for whom my sole hez alluz gone out, - sence the riote in Noo York, in 1863, * In wich his fronds demonstrated the sooperiority liv the Anglo Saxon race By beatin out the branes of all persons uv other races, wich they cood reach ; Whose reputashun, like Moses's, Is assosbiated Avith pillers uv fire and smoke, to perdoose wich his frends, in ther zeal, sacrificed a half-dozen nigger orfun as- sylums— thus thrillin the Southern hart ; And from whom I expect to receeve a new commishun, ez Postmaster, When A. Johnson offishally dececses. This vollum is abjectly dedicatid, by THE AUTHOR. CoNFEDRiT X Roads, ) fwich is in the Btait uv Kentucky,) v August 10th, 1868. ) [P. O. Btamp. ] Entered according to Act of OongresB in the year 1868, by D. R. LOCKE, in the Clerk's office of the District Court of the TTnited States for the Northern District of Ohio. THE IMPENDIN CRISIS. CHAPTER I. RETROSPECTIVE REFLECSITUX3 AXD HISTORIf'LE FAX. The Dimokratic party uv wieli the autlior hereof is to- wnnst an ornament ancVpiller, is ft^arfiills' and wonderfuliy, made. It alliiz wnz. And the style uv the Instooshun is percisely wat commends it, or rather wat shood commend it, to th'e support uv a Amerikin people. In it every sole mav find rest — in it there is sich a variety — an assortment so large and well selectid I may say — uv prinsiple, that every man, no matter wat the pekoolyer bent uv his mind — no matter Avat the espeshal turn uv his intellek — may find his rock upon wich he may sekoorly rest. Does a man favor nigger votin ? Look at Joe Williams, a nigger, sittin in a Noo York Convenshun ez our ekal. Wood he keep the nigger, brootalized ez he hez bin for cen- turies by the Dimokratic imstitooshun uv Slavery, perpetoo- ally under his heel ? He'll find sich in all the platforms in the western States. Is he in favor uv repoodiashun ? Brick Pomeroy and Blare are his men. Would he pay the debt, but pay it in greenbax ? Look at Pendleton. Wood he pay it in gold? Keed Seemore's Cooper Institoot speech. Is he a war Dimokrat ? Blare is our candidate. Is he a secessonist ? Wade Hampton and Booregard run the Con- venshun. Ther is an assortment i;v prinsiple — let evry one choose for hisself. I shel be rnther economical uv historicle matter. The past to me is nothin. Dimokratic joys wich are departid are uv no akkount to me. The drinks I hev taken can't be taken over agin, and tho the recolleckshuns thereof are pleasant, they ain't warmin to the bowels, wich is the pekoolyer o:Sls uv drinks. Pleasant recolleckshuns are abstract pleasures — they are not palpable fax. I knowd wunst a visionary yooth who tried to live on the recolleck- shuns uv the past. It woodent do. They didnt take the place uv biled pork. He ^rowd thinner and thinner, day by day, and, persistin in hia foUy, he died, weighin only 90 THE impe>n^dt:n- crisis lbs. averdupws. Bicli will iiever l.e mv Me, I take solid comfort 111 tlie present ; -enjoyin wat 1 kin rraeh. and a qmet, snbdood pleasure in contemplatin a rontinvooanc? thereof. But this is a digression. • ' We hey iiateral diflFikilties to eneoniiler continvooally- Our young- men Avill go to colleges and sioh. wher they speeddy turn agin us; the churches make sad hayoc in our ranks and singler ez it may seem, likker. our cheef holt, is uj itself a element uy weakuis. A^hisky makes Dimokrats ot men, hut it kdls em afore they kin reely become yooseful liie pai:ty is m the condishun uy a man with a tiiiie-wirm- It hez withm itsidf Avat is destroyin it. The lono-oi- a nvm sucks the better lie is for us— but alas ! while tie is rinep- in lulo Dimokrasy. his stumick is bein burned .mt, and \n^ nose blossoms n.r tlie grave jist ez he miie 1).' yooseful to us. They mile live longer, but uufor(o(.i,ai(Mv"(he likker uy this day is iritfful. and it carries em uW snddonly. We lose by this a h.'av\- \n-r cent. ]X"r annum. Dimokrasy hez lird many seyeiv trials. It hez bin tki-o seasons uy trial, wieh woodliev killed a partv uv less yitaliry. lu ]s:>4 it prtered out in most uv the Kortiimi Slates, wich relet'Siul tlie faithful uy the cares and resjionsibiliiies uv tlie s(;atc and count v ollisis. We held on tlio, for Ave still bed the Post OfHsis. and in them Ave ivjoist. The efteck upon the people wiiz the same however; tJie onlv difference bein That the burden uv supportin tlie k'adcrs \vuz shifted from the county and state goyernmenis onto the general goA- '-rnnicnt. IA»' this reason Bookamnon's administration went out v.ithoul a dollar in the treasury, leayinthe goyernment some hundivds of uiillions iu dobt". So long ez we bed the Post oflRsis wc got along. In IStiO our star sot in gloom. The gorrillcr Lhikin avwz elected, and Rachel mourned for her children, and refoozed to be comfx)rtcd IfL'roz they wuz not. We'wiiz thoroly bereaved. The county and stale oilisis wuz gone, and this crooel blowdejirived uv uv I lie balance uv them. Sadlv Ave left the Post otiises, chantin ez we went our tleath songs. Then our real- season uv trou))le eouunenst. Our suthern brethren bed heretofore run tlie guvernnient excloosiyely. We uv ttie Nortli wuz williu. We didnt objeek— en tli* contrary we preferred it. The troo Noi-|liern Uimokral d.ont want miieh. (live him a nigger to look down to and a nigger-driycr to look up to, and a small post-ortis, and Iip IS supremely happy. In sich a posishuu be Avoodent trade places Avith aangeliu glory ! Calhoun and his friends we wuz UV THE DIMOKKASY. williii sliood make the platforms, dictate tlie policy m- tlie party, and also hold tlie big oflfisis, to carry out tliat policy, for tlio reason that it made us perfeckly shoor uv the smalfer places. AVe mite hev a snthern policy, in the hands of snthern men, but halleloogy ! they coodent send suthern men up north to hold the Post otiisis and collektorsliips! Them ^ve hed for ourselves, and tlierein we \vuz happy. AYuz it any wonder that Avhen the Linkin elecshun ousted the south from the control uy the government that they rebelled ! Wuz it any Avonder that when ^ve wuz histed out uv the places Ave hed held so long, that we murmured to ourselves, and wood hev rebelled too hed we dared ? N"ot enny. For the government, ez far ez we wuz concerned, wuz overturned. The offisis gone, we felt we hed neither lot nor part in it. It is onnecessary for me to continyoo the harrowin nar- rashun. The Dimokrasy south did take up arms for their lost rites, and the Dimokrasy north lookt on the struggle with intense anxiety. When our frends met the Ablishun hosts at Bull Run and smote em, our harts wuz filled with fladnis, and when the Amalekites under Grant capchered 'ixbui'g and followed up with Richmond, our harts sunk TV ith greef that wuz too big for uttrance. We follered with anxious soles the progress of the struggle, knowing that our fate was bound up in them, and that as they stood or fell, so also must we. It is onnecesSary to detail the harrowin scenes thro wich vve hed to pass, durin that period uv depreshun. My his- tory is the history uv all of us. We wuz drafted and taxed to support armies who wuz a killin our brethren. We re- sisted — at least I did — and wuz thrown into Basteels. For shootin Provost Marshels we wuz hunted like wild beasts of pray, and for stabbin soldiers at home on furlo, we lan- guished in prizens. Besides we endured other inconven- iences. We wuz compelled by ati infooriated soljery to take oaths uv allegiance to 'a government wich, sence it past out uv our hands, we felt we wuz aliens in. We wuz forst to display a flag wich, sence it waved over Post offisis with Ablishnists into em, we felt wuz trooly a hatid rag. Wuz it woiulerful that rather than endoor all this, they exiled themselves by thousands ? Is it singler that on the shores iiv Canadian rivers, they hung their harps on the willers, and then mournfully sung the songs uv their native land ? There wuz no more techin site than to see a young and able-bodied Dimokrat swimmin the Detroit river man- THE IMPEXDTX CRTSTS fully, just afore a draft; iiotliin more aftectiii tliaii to see. himclioppin cord- wood in a strange land, waitin. weary and liartsick, for the good time to come wlioi lie cood retnrn and bid eurollin offisers defiance. The very circnmstances .uv Uie eate made it Lu(f fur u.«. Ther wnz a continyooal drane onto n:;. Tlicy sedoost some nv onr sons into the servis, wlier llu'y become rantiji A1)- lishnists ; the rest nv em went to Canady wher Lliey coodent return to vote, and that left ns only thein sich ;is wnz rnp- chsred, those o\er io and under ik Consekently A\e wuz ))eaten continyooally. McClellan wuz tlie worstest laid out individyooal who ever run for PrcsidenI, and for another four years it seemed ez tho we wuz dooned to a servitood which Avuz too horrilile to think a])out. The removal nv the tyrant Linkin b} tJiaL noble patrot Wilkes Booth, wnz a gleem nv sunshine. We knowd at the start wat Avood l»e the result. A. Johnson lied bin a Dimo krat, and we knowed that the stane into Ivim avuz so deep that it cood never l)e eraclikatid. Wc bed ti'ustid men with him from iVashville to AVasJiijigiv)ii, and Ave bed onr eagle eyes onto liim Avhen he wnz inoggeratid. I knoAvd th© minnit I smelt Ids breath on that day that it avuz all rite, and my faith never Avavered till the 22d nv F(d)rooary speech made it certain that lie wnz ouru. But liis return wnz after all only a parshel triujuph. Our IVends in the south AVUZ still restraned by the ensses eonneetid witli ihe Bnro, and Congris found se^'ral Avays to hold in their hand* the paternage ua' the Government. Our triumph avuz only parshel. Ez for myself, I bed nothiu to complane nv. The reconstruetid Pivsidejit give me the Post Oifis wich I noAV okkepy, and Avbieb I bev held to this time. But ne\erthe- less the sitooalioii liez not bin ez cbeei-iu ez it mite be. The pOAver hcK bin agin ns. Johnson wnz only a breakwater. He bustid the ice-rields that avuz assalJn ns. i>utthey formed agin beloAv him. With usuoav its vieioi\ ur death! Shood Are Avin all AA'ill be ^•ell — shood Ave lose — but it cant be ! I draw a curtin ov«r a prospeck so terrible ! * END VX CHAPTER I. CHAPTER IL IK WiCH IS GIVEIST THE SEA^EAL EEAWOXS AVHY SUCCESS is AT THIS TIAIE XECESSAET POE THE DIlIOKEASr. The Dimokrasy heA^been outuy place onremittently scnce i:V THE PIMOKRASY. 1854. Tliere liez bin in consekence u very great deal uv troul)le, siiftVin and distress. Them wicli alluz lied bin ae- mistomed to livin in that Avay hev bin forst into other ok- kepashens wieh hev not alluz bin profitable. Doorin the war it is troo they fared tolerable well. The better class nv om — that is the liiore intellectooal — went into sutlerin and contraktin (out of wich, thank Hevin, the Ablishents coodent keep em) and the lo^'er class embarkt into bounty jumpin. But their employments wuz nv nessessity ruther hazardous. A onlucky movement wood sweep aAVt^y a. sut- ler's stock, aiul ever and anon bounty jumpers wuz caught. Therefore, the land wuz filled with mourners who wood not be comfortid. Legislachers wnz fritefnlly changed. At the capitol uv Ohio, for instance, several ladies nvwn- doubted reputashnn wuz compelled to move their houses to other cities, ez the preechers, merchants and farmers sent by Ablishnized constitoooncies wuz uv no akkonnt to them. £he grosery keepers languisht for them from whom ther trade come,' Avho wuz compelled to subsist on tick, ©r die. It wuz not their interest to let em die, and so they car- ried em along waitin and watchin for the good times wich wuz to come. Another class must hev this cluinge. I alood to our southern brethrin. Ther is wher it is most needed. Oh, when I look over tlie fields uv the sunny south my hart bleeds, and I exclaim, " Ablishnism, this is thy work !" The nigger who wuz to-wunstyooseful and ornamental to the whites, is now draggin out a mizable existence, workiu leased land, or supportin hie family on ground uv his own. The proud Caucashen master, wunst the hope uv our race, and now our only pride, is either defilin his hands with labor, or draggin out a mizzable eggsistence by sellin peece- meal the land on wich ther famlies bed dwelt for many gen- erashuns. One instance will suffice to show the misery wich Ablishnism hez caused in the southern States. John Punt, uv Mobeel, wuz one uv nacher's noblemen — that is, he owned two hundred niggers and bed twenty-five hundred akers uv land, wich ^vuz all cotton land. Proba- bly the idee uv Paradise avuz never ez completely realized on this yere earth, ez it v,\\z on John Punt's place. The manshuu hed ii piazaer runnin all around it. A leetle to the rite uv the house wuz the long rows uv nigger quarters, scrupulusly full, and to the left stretched olf the broad akers wich John Punt called his own. It wuz one uv the happiest uv human eggsperences to see John Punt a sittin THE IMPEjfblN CRISIS on tliat porch in the cool uv the evenin a smokin Havan- na cigars, Avith the moosic uv a pack uv hounds a yelpin oii the track uv a runaway nigger in the swamps adjacent. Behint the house, and a leetle to the rite uv the quarters, wuz the stocks and whippin posts wich wuz requisite to keep the cheerful and contented Afrikins in order. John Punt wuz regler in his dooties and pleasures. Reg- lerly in March, he assembled his niggers and tuk stock uv em. Selectin out with apractist eye, them wich wood bring the highest price in Mobeel, he tuk em thither and sold em. He yoost to hev his trials — wat good man hezent ? Wunst I remember I wuz there, when the* mother of a picaninny objectid to bein sold away from her child, and in her despare appeeled to PuifT, ez its Father, to keep her ; and on another occashun, his oldest son Samyooel raised a row about selling a girl 16 years old, wich resembled Samyooel remarkably. But John Punt cood not be moved. He didnt object to his sons takin uv em for concubines, for in sooth the Punts wuz a noble race, physickally, and when the produx uv this patriarkle relashun wuz girls. Punt knowed it wuz money in his purse. The Punt breed was well known in Mobeel, and they brot high prices. On his return from Mobeel, the Punts alluz took a season at Saratogy, where h» wuz proverbially liberal in his expeii- ditoors. Ah, how the open-handed old man yoost to throw around the money. " Be shoor, John," he yoost to rite home so his overseer, " be shoor that the stock on the place is kept up. Livin is cussed high here this summer." The young Punts wuz trooly chips uv the old blox. Samyooel wuz a ded shot with a pistol, John Jr. wuz onekalled in poker, and Lucinda hed no rival on the piano forte. They lived a happy, Arcajen life. The niggers workt cheerfully under the stimulus uv two overseers and their underlins armed with very heavy nigger whips, but they seldom complained. One or two did it one year, but ez they wuz to-wunst shot ded in ther trax the habit wuznt a general one. They were contentid and happy. Kernel Punt, uv coarse, hed bin in Congris. With his worldly possessions he cood very easy control the poor whites in his naberhood, ez none uv em cood read or rite, andgoin to Congris wuz in them days fashionable. He vv^as happily circumstanct. There hez been a change in Alabamy. The manshun is standin there, but it is a mere shadder of its former self. UV THE DIMOKRASY. " The harn wicli wunst through Tara's halls, The sole uv moosic shed, That harp now hangs on Tara's walls;, It3 sole uv moosic fled." Kernel Punt sits on the piazzer ez before, bnt he is Ker- nel Punt only by name. Gone are the stox, ^one is the whippin post, gone is the nigger quarters, gone is Lucinda, gone is Samyooel, gone is Tom, Lucinda, whose hands wuz never stained with labor, is a milliner in Mobeel, Tom is a clerk in a grocery, and Samyooel is tendin bar. The family is wreckt. The manshnn no more resounds with the gay lafter uv the merry throngs wich wunst frekented it, no more is heard the jwp uv the exileratin shampane, or the gurgle uv the more quiet, tho to me more satisfactory, Bourbon. Xow all this is gone. The Kernel is a lost man. The niggers refoozed to work after Mobeel fell, and the poor Kernel hed to sell, aker by aker, his patrimony. The -niggers bot em, the poor whites hot em. The Freedtnen's Burow set up a skool on one corner uv the place, and a village wuz startid around it, and thus went out all there wuz of civilizashun there. The niggers reed, the po©r whites hev got so they kiji reed, and they crooelly jeer at the old man when he passes. He never stirs from his kouse for feer uv insult. ^\''enches will hold up their seven-year old brats and ask him to look at his children, and when he walks past their houses they make a most disgnistin show »v spellin books. Poor Kernel Punt I Wunst the owner uv all these people ; now none so poor to do him reverence, Wwist the possessor uv millions ; now so poor ez to be onable to lend me, when Iavuz lastat his house, the mizrable pittance uv twenty-one dollars I We want a Dimokratic success to rite John Punt's wrongs, AVe want the nigger skool-houses rooted out — we want the spellin books destroyed, and ef we cant git them back to ther old condishun, we at least want em to be re- doost to ez near to it ez possible. John Punt must, ez be- fore, control em, Ef they must hev wages, John Punt must fix them wages — ef they must vote, John Punt must control that vote. John Punt wuz robbed uv his jjroperty in them niggers and poor whites, and he must hev ez much back ez kin be given him. Let us elect Seymour and Blair, and we'll see how long John Punt's niggers will thwart John Punt's will. Oh, relecA'e us uv military tyran}', and we'll see how long nigger votes Avill control Alabama ! Ther are other resons wick, mite be given,, but a reson 10 THE IMPBifDIN CRISIS wich aint Southern hez no force with the Dimokrasy. Therefore with this I close Chap. II. OUAPTEK III. THE PLATFORM — ITS EXCELLENCIES AKD PEKOOLYARITIES. Probably ther never wuz a more akkommodatin platform ever made sence the first one wuz construktid. The sit- ooashun demandid a pekoolyer platform, and ever alive to the exigencies uv the hour, a pekoolyer platform wuz made. We hed within our organ jzashun a ruther mixed lot, all uv whose idiosyucrosies hed to be considered. There wuz the southern soljers, the southern rebels Avho wuznt soljers, the northern sympathisers Avith the southern rebels, the nig- gers south, the war Dimokrats, the bond-holders east, and the repoodiashunists west, the nigo-er suffrage Dimokrats, the ni^ger-hatin Dimokracy; beside that large class — the foundasliun, I may say, uv the whole superstructer — that unumberd throng wich dont reed, and wich consokently naterally gravitate to us. To construct a platform to kiver all these classes, wuz a work wich required great skill, but it wuz done. Its ruther difficult but it wuz did. A physician wunst, who wuznt exactly certain whether he ought to administer a physic or a puke to a sick pashunt, determined to be rite, he give him both. The physic pulled down and the puke pulled up. The fact that the pashent died is nothin agin the theory. Ef he hed bin strong enuff he wood hev liA^ed and conkered the disease. This is our fix. We aint shoor wich remedy is the best, and wc her give both. We must depend on the swalleriu capasity uv our party. It wuz not considered safe to say a word on the nigger question, for obvous resons. Shood"^ we endorse nigger suffrage to ketch the nigger vote south, all uv that class uv Dimokratic voters in the north, wich lay awake nights fearin ther daughters will marry niggers, wood, to-wunst commit sooicide ; shood we pronounc* that this is a white man's goverment, and aoin nigger sufft-age, we shood lose the entire nigger vote, without wich we cant carry a south- ern State. Our platform is discreet. It sez nothin. Yoo kin take yoor choice. Ef yoo are disposed toard nigger suffrage, I defy yoo to find a word in the platform agin it, and wuznt Joe Williams a nigger in the convenshun ? Ef yoo are uv the class wich wants its daughters pertected UV THE DIMOKKASY. 11 from nigger ekality, I pint yoo to the past liistry iir the Dimokratic party, and cite yoo to the fact that Forrest, who slew his thousands uv niggers, wuz scetid in the convenshun. In this pertikeler we give the fullest liberty. On the question uv finance, there is ekal range. The resolooshun declares explicitly that the indebtedness uv the Government shcl be paid accordin to the terms uv the con- trak. The greenback facshun hev here all they Avant or kin ask, and the Belmont gold-payers. Lord bless em, wat kin they ask more! Cant we trust to Seymour who is commit- ted to gold, payment, and hevnt they faith in the courts? They Avood oe Wind, indeed, not to be satisfied. The out- and-out Eepudiashunists are well enough pleased likewise. They build upon the history uv the party and its natral i»- stinks. On one pint, there wuz no need uv bein at all keerful ; viz: — the corrupshun uv the Republikin party. That reso- looshun is distink and emphatic. It wuz drawd up by Fer- nandy Wood, Perry Fuller, Mrs. Cobb's husband, Wooll^y, a eminent dealer in whisky at St. Loois, and the writer hereof. We demand in that the oustin uv the Radikel fack-. shun from all places uv profit and trust, and the replacin uv em with troo Dimokrats. The carakter of the men who made the resolooshun, is a sufficient guarantee uv the intenshuns uv the party. Altogether, the platform is^ complete. There isnt a man in the Yoonited States who cant git out uv it any- thing he wants. AVho so stoopid ez not to repose under the shadder uv a platform so comprehensive? Ah, who indeed I CHAPTER IV. THE CANDIDATES — BKEEF BIOGRAPHIES. I dont know but very little uv the candidates, wich I con- ceeve to be the first qualificashun uv a writer uv biographv. Ef I knode all about em I shood be trameled by fax ; ez it is, I lin give my imaginashun full sway. Imaginashun is necessary in biografficle writin. Horasho Seemore wuz born in the year 18 — , in the town uv , and the State uv . I am thus pertikeler in givin dates and places, ez I love to be akerit even in small things. He Avuz born uv rich but honest parents, and singler ez it may seem, hevin been well educatid, wuz alluz a Dimokratj 13 THE IMPENDIK CEISIS Twiefc wuz he GuAmer of jSToo York — the last timeatths heginnin iiv the late unpleasantnis. It wnz dooriii this eventful period in the history uv the country, that his grate abilities shone out so strongly. While he wuz scndin out troops to the support uv the Fedral armies, in obejienee to the requirements uv laws wicli were too strongly backed by power to be safely disobeyed, he avuz at the same time givin more aid to the Confederacy, than any ten Genrals it hed. His rite hand knoAvd eggsactly Avat his left avuz a doin, and the sed rite undid wat the sed left wuz a doin, Avith neetnis. The Dimokrasy uv Kentucky Avill never for- git that Avhile he avuz bouin in obejienee to Federal man- dates and forredin n\w troops to the aid uv Grant, he at the same time, got up a riot, a unpleasantnis, in Noo York, Avick required the persoiuil attendance uv a considrable grater number of actooal vetrans. Them riots avuz the great epoch — the brite spot in his career. Them riots con- stitoot his cheef claim to a high niche in the Dimekratic assortment uv Saints. The Avriter hereof avuz present doorin a part uv em — he Avood hev stayed doorin ther entire continyooance, cood he hev endoored so much bliss to- Avunst.*^ Oh, the joy of seein ten thousand liberty-lo\in Irishmen, freshly emancipated from the iron rool of English task-masters, a goin for the thousands uv niggers uv K'oo York! Oh, tlie joy uv seein niggers hangin to lamp-posts — uv seein niggers layin on the pavement AvitJi their branes beat out, and uv witnessin the smoke uv nigger orfun assylums assendin to tJie skies, rollin up like the smoke uv a sacrifisi Oh, the delite of seein nigger orfuns, Avhose fathers avuz perchance in I he feeld a strugglin in the ranks uv the despots Avicli had liberatid their brethren, turned out uv the burnin edifis (sich uv em ez didnt roast therein) to be knockt in the hed by the stern tho infuriated patriots, Avho had that, day risen in their mite. And ez a fitin climax to see ^uvner Seemore then (let us hope President Seemore to be,) addressin uv em cz " My Friends," and promisin uv ©m that the draft sliood be stopti On sich themes Avat Dimocratic pen is there that doiit like to dwell? El«o ansers. Guvner Seemore's life hez bin an eventful one. He never Avantid offiis — all that he hez ever held thus far hev hev bin crowded onto him. Both times he avuz Guvner he declined, voAvin that he Avood not accept ontil the sevral candidates hed beat out ther braues agin each other, Avhen he wuz forst agin his Avill into acceptm. So it avuz at the UV THE DIMOKRASY. 13 Tamany convenshun. It wuz desided by himself, Belmont and the eastern leaders, that he shood decline, and keep de- clinin, till Pendleton, Hancock, Chase, and them other fil- lers shood hev l)iistid therselves, wjien he wood permit it to Ije forst upon him. For partiklers ez to the success uv this movement, see percecdins uv the Noo York Nashnal Con- venshun. The principles uv H'orasho Seeniore commend theirselves to the hart uv every troo Dimokrat. It is troo that origi- nelly Pendleton wuz the prefrence uv the grate nuijoritjr uv the party, but they yeeldid graceliilly, and avuz surprised after they hed yeelded, hoAV little diffrenco tlier wuz between cm. It AVUZ so slite that enny troo Dimokrat Avood be ashamed to menshun it. Pendleton avuz, and is^, in favor uv payin the bonds in greenbax — Seemore avuz, and is, in favor nv payin uv em in gold. Pendleton atlirras that Seemoi'e's finansiiel policy is a swindle onto the ploAv-holder for the benefit uv the bloatid boud-holder. Seemore thinks .and affirms that Pendleton's plan is a peece uv double-dyed ras- . k*lity — a proposishun Avich cood only originate in the mind uv a man capable uv bein a fust-class sneek theef. So triflin are the diffrences betAveen the grate minds uv the party I Wat Pendleton Dimokrat is ther Avho coodnt to- Avunst yeeld the triflin ditfrence between his policy and support Seemore ? Not one I •'I Avill take one hundred and scvcnty-tive dollars for this mule, and not a d d ceut less," scd a deeler in In'evetted jatkasses. '' I'll give yoo ten I"' sed the buyer thereof. " Take him," replide the other promptly ; •' it shel never be sed that I let a trifle uv a hundred and sixty-five dollars split me in a mule trade." 'Let US imitate the heroick rxani}»cl uv this Spartan yooth ! Gen. Frank Blare, and his family, our n(.)mim'c for Vice President, is probably the purest specimen uv the simple- harted, hard-fisted, patrotic, self-abnegatin Dimokrat AA''e hev in this country. He, and his family, startid out in life a Dimokrat nv the troo Jacksonian skool.* In a moment uv moral blindnis he, and his family, become a ran tin Ablish- nist, and a persekooter uv the Dimokratic Saints in Mis- soury, and Avound up this partiiv his career ez a Majer Gen- ral in the Fedral servis. Ez lamentable ez this part uv his career is — ez friteful ez avuz his backslidin — it ought not to be urged agin him. Sadly hez he, and his family, repented 14 THE IMPEKDISr CRISIS uv his folly.' They saw, when it wuz almost ererlastmly too late, that the Eepublikin party wuzut no fit restin place for them. He, and his family, sot about his work \x\ re- pentance by bustin Fremont in Missoury; and that they mite do the Fedral coz ez much harm ez possible, Mon- gomery, one of the family, held onto his posishen in the goriller Linkin's cabinet till he avuz kickt out by mane strength. Then they changed ther minds. Frank become conservativ and increased his rashuns uv likker three pints per day. He supported President Johnson cheerfully, and so conduktid hisself generally ez to win the confidence, love and esteem uv all the Confedrit Geurals and Statesmen, all uv wich corjelly and even enthoosiastically supportid him in the convensliun they run in Tamany Hall. Genral Forest and Booregard never spoke uv him but with teers in ther eyes, and Wade Hampton wich nominatid him, told the writer hereof that he loved him, and his family, ruther dearer than he did his brother. Troo he and his German subjecks played the devil with us in Missoury — troo he helped the butcher Lyon shoot down inoffensive men in the streets uv St. Loois, and after- ward he drencht the South with gore, leavin behind him a trale uv ashes and smoke — but wat uv that ? He wuz bein paid for it, and wuz, beside, at that time, in the gall uv bit- ternie and the bonds uv inikity. He hednt repentid then — the scales wuz onto his eyes. He wuz then in a highly ab- normal condishun. But wat more cood we ask uv him than his letter afore the convenshun sot ? Ef he hednt bin endorsed by Forest and Booregard, that letter alone, bustin ez it did the entire Kekonstruckshen acts uv a unconstooshnel Congris, wuz suffishent. That letter wuz to me the first gleem uv lite I hed seen for years. Here wuz a man bold enuff to openly announce his intenshun uv by force opposin a unconstoosh- nel Congris, and undoin at a stroke all that they hed un- constooslinelly done ! The advantages uv hevin ^enral Blare, and his family, on the tikkit is obvus. Shood Seem ore play us false, owin to loonacy wich is in his family, it wood still be well. The Goverment cood then" be run in the family entire. The old man wood be Sekretary uv State, on the skore uv his beiil too old to be good for enny thing else, and he kin buy earth- quakes and icebergs, I am confident, ez well ez Seward kin. Montgomery wood be uv coorse Sekretary uv War, and the other posishons cood be filled by ther brothers-in-law, This UV THE DIMOKRASY. 15 aiTangement will strike evry Dimokrat ez bein feasible and simple. Ther aiiit enuff iiv em to go round, and ez they wood select men uv tlier stamp for the subordinit posisli- uns, all sich ez the writer hereof wood be provided for })e- yond all question. It is my opinyun that the tikkit is a strong one. I hev sed so reglerly uv tickkits for forty veers, and knowin that Seemore will get the bond-holders, Blare the repoodiashuu- ists — that both hev the confidence uv the Yaliandigumera and Confedrits, and the Woodses — I feel it is a tikkit on wich we kin all yoouitc, and consekently succeed. Ef a man cant yoonite on this tikkit he must be hard to soot. Wat a gorjus seeries uv campane mottoes we ken put onto our banners! In Noo York we shel hev "Seemore and gold!" in Ohio, "Blare and Greenbax !" in Kentucky, " Dimokrasy and repoodiashun!" Percisely ez flexilale is the platform on the nigger and on all other topics. In Georja it will be "Seemore and votes for all!" In Ohio, wher they hev a prejoodis agin niggers, we shel hurrah for "Seemore and down with nigger ekality!" And evry where we kin demand uv the Demokrasy — " Think ur beiu tried afore a nigger joory for hoss-stealin !" It is trooiy gorjus. CHAPTER V. THE CANDIDATES, I shel say but little uv the candidates uv the oppoain party. Charity and long suffering is my best holt, and I will not descend to personal abuse. Ulysses S. Grant is a theef, a liar, swindler, villain, despot and tyrant. Ef Nero ever looks up to this world he gnashes his teeth with envy at the sooperior vices uv this man. Caligula wuz never his match. He wuz uv a low, plebian orejin. His father wuz a tanner, and he follered the same brootalizin okkepashun. At the outbreak uv the late onpleasantnis, with feendish haste he laid down the curryin tools and tuk up the sword, and embarkt into the more congenial feeld uv slawter that civil war opened to him. Uv his histry sence but little need be sed. The Northern Dimokrasy wuz not much af- fected by him — halleloogy ! They pay but little taxes, so he didnt ketch em there; and ther able-bodied sons mostly went to Canady seekin protekshun from his fearful de- mands under the tail uv the British Lion. But upon ike 16 THE IMPE>s"DI]!f CRISIS Southern Dimokrasy it fell with crushin force. Prom Shi- low to Vixbiirg ; from Vixbiifg into Tennessee ; from Ten- nessee to Eichmond, this insashate monster foUered the Confedracy with the remorselis eagernis uy a sleuth hound, ontil he hed it prostrate under his feet. Ez a imparshel Dimokratic historian, I wood say he wuz no Ginral, wuz it not for the fact that shood I so say I shood he castin re- prooch upon the Confedrits Avich he conkered, wich wont do. Ez he licked Lee, I am willin to give him credit ft>T military ability. His administrashun uv atfares when he wuz Seketary of War, ad interim, shows wat he wood do ef his oppertunities wuz greater. With sich a man in the Presidcnsel cheer, wat cood our hungry soles do who hevnt hed ther fingers in the flesh-pots for nine long years I Ef he restrained em to the aniount uv fiye millions uv dollars in three months, in a Department wich hez less than one-twentieth uv the disbursements to manage, wat will he do in four j'cers when he hez control uv the whole ? Thats the question. No wonder the Dimokrasy Avantid to git rid uv him. No wonder President Johnson regetted hevin put liim in posishen to so disappint his frends." I dismiss him Avith the fervent hope (hevin Trends I hev promist contrax to in the event uv a Dimokratic success) that he may never Avrite President after his name. Skyler Colfax I approach Avith feelins uv more profound digust. Doorin the Avar for the maintainanceuA' the Yoon- yun, Avat did lie do toAvard carryin it to a glorious and suc- cessful endin ? Did he carry a muskit or dr?.AV a sword? No ! On the contrary he passed that time in t]\e gilded balls wv Oongris, draAvin his salary promptly. He avuz borii in Noo York, but avuz brot nji in Injiany. From the beginnin he avuz a bitter enemy nv Dimokrasy. Ther aint a drop uv Dimokratic blood in him. He hez alluz mane- tained a conneckshuu Avith the Methodist church ; he dont know how likkcr tasles, and he holds, Avith most disgustiu Ijoldnis, tbal niggers is human. He is a skoffer at Ham and Hager, and Avood, ef be co(xl, \n\t evry nigger child in the south in sko(jls. lie hez speut a life-time in efforts to break doAvn the ],>arriers erectid l)y Nacher betAveen the races, and by elevatin the nigger onlit him for fulfillin the work he avuz made to do. That he hez succeeded, let the condishun uv the south attest. Ther aint no Southners at Saratogy this year livin at a expense uv a 11,000 per -week, and'draAvin on ther cotton agents reglerly for the money. Ther aint no hefty games uv Faro at the waterin UV THE DIMOKllASY. 1 1 places, for they caut afford it. But you shel see all over the south niggers ownin ther own land. You shel gee em wastiu ther time on spellin books, and squandrin ther eai- nins on clothes for tJierselves. Yoo cant go down ther now and buy a cai-penter, or blacksmith, or stun-cutter, or brick- layer for a thousand dollars. No, that's all changed. Ef we want sich labor done, we are compelled to hire it and pay*for it, the same ez they do at the North. Gone is the vast estates wich wuz our pride — ^gone is the aristockriay wich wuz the hope uv our Dimokratic country — gone is slavery wich wuz the corner-stun uv our free Guverment. And standin on the watch-tower, ez 1 hev bin for forty yeers, I look over these rooins and exclame, " Skyler Colfax this is thy work !" Wat lover uv Freedom kin vote for a man who hez bin so prominent in opposishun to Slavery ? Wat lover uv the rites uv man kin support one who destroyed the property uv one-half uv the peeple by given freedom to the other half? Ef Freedom shreekt when Kosciusko fell, wat must she her dun when slavery went under? I paws for a reply. CHAPTER VI. ro>fCLOODi>f REFLECKSHUHS. 1 hev only to say in conclooehun that we kin succeed ef we will. The Dimokrasy never hed afore it sich brilliant prospecks, or the promise uv a victory so easily won. We hev an abundance uv material to draw from. Ther is waitin to fall into our ranks all uv the followin classes : IN THE XORTH. 1. All them wich dont want ther dawters to marry nig- gers, and wich demand a law to pertect em agin em. 2. All them wich stan on the street corners perpetooally, shakin for fear the nigger'll be elevatid to an ekality with em. 3. All them wich are willin niggers shel pay taxes, but are inflexibly opposed to ther votin. 4. All them wich opposed the war on akkount uv Ab- lishnism. 5. All them wich opposed it from other causes. 6. All them wich hevnt bin suffishently rewarded for ther services to Eepublikinism in the way uv oflSses. 18 tht; iMPExnix orxbu 7. The Blare family, and ther children, who will he a- to b© pi'OYided with an oliis each Avhen they grow up. 8. Tlie coirnteriiter.-i pardoned by President Johnson. tj. The whisky speckulaters. Hi. Sich whisky inspeckters ez hev bin caught at it. 11. Tlie proprieters uv bars and faro hanks. 1 2. The victims thereof, who, hcvin gone thro em, must come to us, becoz tliey cant go ennyAvliere else till they re- form, wicli, after they've bin with lis a little while' will be impossible. 13. Tliem wich cant reed or write— two institooshune wich hev did Dimockrasy more harm nor anything else in this world. 14. Them wicli want to i)ay the debt in greenbax. 15. Them Avich, follerin ther regler practis, dont Avant to pay the debt at all. 16. That large class — ^them Avich makes up our respec- tability — who are too good for us but not quite good enuff for the Tiepnblikins. IN" THE SOUTH. 1. The Confedrit otticers. 2. The Confedrit Congris. 3. The Confedrit office-holder.-'. 4. Joe Williams, a patriotic aiul inteligent colored citizen. These classes kin all yoonite on Seemore and Blare, evry one uv em. Ez I am satisfied that hell is more densly pop- ulatid than lieven, I am intirely satisfied that our party is, ez it allnz hez bin, in the majority. But the trubleisto git em together. The truble is the combinashuns agin us sometimes take orf a porshuu ua' this strength — becoz it is a inexorable law that Avickidnis cant most alluz hold to- gether. The A'iery men avIio leeve Eepublikinism becoz they dont get places, Avood leeve us from the same coz, and ez ther aint offises enuff to go round ther must be disappint- ments. But them classes hev bin so thororly starved out — so terribly yoosed by ther late assoshates — that they must come to us and take ther chances. But Ave are foundid on a rock. With nigger at the bottom and Avhisky at the top, we are a strong and S(jlid toAver agin Avich tlie wares uv fanaticism Avill beet in vane. We must hev this success. We cant no longer wate. We hev suffered in silence long enuff. Our Siithren brethren hold out ther hands to us implorinly. They say to us, Tin-. DTMOKRABY. \U •• kum."" TJioy are williii to [oryivc and forget all they hev (lull. "They hold, no spile agin" the country-^on- the kon- warv, they are Avillin to come liaek and take tlier old place.* and go on as helbre. They hev .showd svoiiderl'itl Ibrbear- rtiiee'and proodenee. 'Pliey I'uii I he Xoo York Convenshnir and mite hev hed all the iioniinashnii.s. But they didnt. Breckenridge mi(e hev lied the nomiiuishnn for the Presi- densv, and Forrest the .seeiMid place on the tikkit, hnt they didn't arfk it. "'We dont want the places" sed they — wicl'i is remarkable ez bein the lirst iiv the jjarty wich "ever de- clined a place — ''We dojil want the places — provided Ave kin nominate men wich we kiji trust, on a platform wich we d»ictate." And they so actid. Let us not diappint these men. For them 1 .<]ieek. 'JMier Impondin Crisis is at hand. They must be rescood now or never. JCf Boregard, Mason. Slidl'll and sich aint restored to control this fall they never \\\\\ be. Ff them niggers and ])<>hites continvco to vole t^iet nioi'. the privilege kiu ni'ver be taken from em. Ff military rool is continyood at the south one riioro veer, the •"' loyal " men, cy. they call therselves, Avill be so or ganized that rootin nv em out by enny means Avill be a moral impossibility. Ther mnst be a radikle change by means nv an elecsi.nn. We must hev the Presidency, the Congris and the army. Then Avill we uv the sonth regane all that Ave lost by. war. Then Avill our tnrn cum. Then Avill we restore the anshent order uv things, and in the en- joyment nv our niggers sonth and the post-offises north, float on peeceii}- ajid happly. Oh, may this dreem be real- ized I Oh, may this heven be ourn I Let us leeve no stun unturned to accomplish this gellorus result. Ez for myself my- Avants is few. ^I am old and full uv honoi'S. I hev bin Gustis uv the Peece in Noo Jersy and Postmaster in Ken- tucky. My hail- hangs scantily about my temples, rny cheeks is sunken and my a})petite is goin I goin I g5in I A few more days and my bilers, alredy rustid, will bust and i shel go hentz. Let me see the Dimokrasy wunst more in power — let me see Deekin Pogram Avunsi more wallop a nigger, and I Avill hie me to my Post Orfis and go into the final fit uv delirum tremens wich Avill carry me otf, happy! I hev sed ! Selah ! So mote it be I PETROLEUM Y.JsTASBY, P. M. IVich is Postmaster. THE EXL»= Mr. Nasby Returns from New York Before the Adjournment of the Convention— How the Nominations were Received at the Corners. Post Orfis, Confedrit X Roads, ) (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky) [ July 13, 1868. ) I didn't stay in Noo York till the Convenshun adjourned, for a most excellent reason, to-wit : my money run out. The Milesian female with whom I aa'uz forst to board, re- quired payment in advance, and uv coorse under sicli an arrangement there wuz nothing left for me but to succum. The length uv my stay redoost itself to a mere matter uv money. I tried the borrowin d«dge, and the cheekin dodge, but good Lord ! wat cood I do with an entire Convenshun, all uv 'em more or less tryiu to live in the same way ? I left and come home while I cood, and before it was ever- lastinly too late. When I left I spozed ther wuz no doubt uv the nomina- shen uv Pendleton. The "young eagle uv the West" hed received 155 votes, and wuz a gainin, and Seemore hed de- clined so often and so persistently, that goin back on my yoosuol disbeleef in these fellers, hevin declined a great many offices myself that I wanted, I a-eely beleeved the cuss wuz in earnist, and saw nothin that cood stand between Pendleton and success. Ez I left the Ohio river, I got out the reech uv railroads and telegraphs, and I told the peo- ple all along that Pendleton hed bin nominated on the 16th ballot, and that the country wuz all ablaze with enthoosi- asm for him and greenbax, so certin wuz I uv his success. On arrivin at the Corners I found that intense anxiety wnz manifested by the citizens thereof. They were all gathered at Bascom's discussin the matter when I hove in site on a mule wich I hed borrered at Secessionville to ride over onto. " Who is it ?" asks Deekin Pogram, ketchin the mule by the bridle. " Who is it, and vvat principles hev we got to support this fall ?" ''' Pendleton and greenbax," shouted I. " Pendleton, the 21 young caglo uv the west, who is opposed to tlie bloatid aris- tocratic bondholtlers, wich wood criisli us labrin men into the dust. Pcndletou, who hloevos that of gToenl>ax is good ejuift' for us lioiu'st lahorin uion, thoy are good enuff for the arislocrai, wlio, like tlie King in tlie nursery I'hyme. sits in liis parlor, oonnlin his nu>ney, Peiulle — " •• I'iinin'!'" sed l'>asconi, "enuff. Have that speech. Par- •fun, till we hev our ratificashen. In the meantime, get off an- AVall >ireet, wich street is, I may sling- in here for the benelit uv my liearers, Avhere the money biz- niss is mostly done, and whei-e they sleep on Guverment bonds and six'ud the heft nv tlier lime a clippin off the noopons." •'Wat is coopon.s?"" asked Deekin Pugnim. I explained to the Id-'^sid nld sain! wat coopoiis wuz, and went on. '•'This Wall street iulluoeuee Avood. nsy Ijrethren, hev cor- rupted the Dimok]'isy. Wall street came into Tammany Hall and wanted to control our aek.shen. But wewuzentto be pnrchist. The more Wall street oll'ered to enclave the Dimocrisy, the more your representatives, gloryin in ther manhood, spurned ther pruU'ered bril)e.s. We went there iletermined to emaii^ipate the yomanry u\- the country|from thebondige uv the bloated Ixuidlioldcr — v, e went ther pledg- ed to Pendleton, the young eagle u\ ilie West — pledged to tender the bloated bondholder the same dirty rags wicli he pade for his bonds — pledged to pay the bloated bondholder, 22 if ^ve pade them anything, greenbacks for his bloated bonds or nothin. We went ther determined to annihilate this yer Seemore and his bloated supporters." " Rah for Pendleton !" sung out the crowd. ' "Three groans for Seemore, the bloated bondholdei-s' agent." Both cheers and gi'oans were gison with a will and I per- ceeded. " My frends, you nev'Jl know wat avo, the people's defend- ers, hed to contend with, 'i'ho l)loated l)ondholders hed money — we hed none. '^IMiey were detei-mined to fasten the yoke on yoor necks — we were determined to hist it off. They wuz determined to hev Seemore with all Wall street at his back fastened on to you to grind yon into dust, but feelin that ef he shood be nomenated we cood nevei' sujiport him, we riz in our mite andmanfiillv compelled em to withdraw this man and give us the ])e(>i»]e'M elidiee. ilea. 11. Pendleton, the eagle uv the " At this pint Deekin Pognuu's ,son Gamaliel wuz seen putting down tlie hill ez fast ez his mule cood git. Joe Bigler notist him fust and rusht out uv the crowd to inter- cept him. The boy hed a noospaper in his hand, wich Josef took from him and rushed to where I wuz standin on the hed uv a barl. '^'Here's the last Looisville paper." sed Josef, unfoldin it. «Shel I reed it ?" " Reed ! Reed !" yelled the crowd. " (ii\ us the nooze uv the downfall uv the bloated bondholders !" " Before I reed," sed Josef, who had glanced at the head- ins uv the telgraft collum, "give three more cheers for Pen- dleton aud greenbax. Hip, Hip—" " Rah," cheered the crowd. "Now^ three groans, and let them be good ones, for See- more and his cussid doctrine wich will grind us into the dust under the heels of Belmont, and aid the forrin capital- ists by payin the bonds in gold !" And they groaned ez heartily ez they cheered. " We ez Dimocrats," con-tinued Josef, " hev sworn by our altars and our fires, never to support for any offis any man who wood pay a debt inkurred by a unconstooshnel gov- ernment in a unconstooshnel war, in anything but the de- based currency wich that unconstitooshnel government ishood." " Never ! never ! we sware !" " Very good," said Josef, ^' this paper wich I hold in my hands conveys the atflictin intelligence that on the twenty- 23 seekond ballot Govenor Horasko Seemore, uv Xew York, wuz nominated, and that Frank Blair wuz nominated Vice President by acclamation. Ez Seemore is opposed bitterly to Pendleton's greenbax policy, 1 spose, uv coorse, the Cor- ners Avill repoodiate the ackslien uv the convenshun." And with a laff Avich avuz devilish in the extreme Josef left the stand. The meetin broke up in a r<.)\v. The Corners felt that they hed bin imposed .u])on and hed I not got out uv the wav I mite hev bin personelly injoored. 'rhe Deekin, Basccjm, Kernel McPeltcr, Issaker Gavitt and I met in the Postoffis after the excited crowd hed dis- persed, and consulted. AVe was in a ruther tite place. Rely in on the strength uv our candidate, we bed gone too far in denouncin the others, tho for that matter wat cood we do ? The two policies is so cussed opposite that Ave can't support the one Avithout denounsin the tother. It avuz de- sided that Ave support the ticket. We tVlt it >-uz safe. See- more, if he is electid, can't discriminate betAveen hi* sup- porters in the distribooShen uv the Postoffises, and after all that is the reel question at ishoo. After givin the subjick a matoor considerashen, Ave come to the conclooshen that the credit and standin uv the goverment demanded the payment uv the Xashnel indebtedness in gold, and that anything short of that Avood be repoodiashun. "I Avonder," said I, " that any honest man — any man Avho beleeves in mantaning unimpaired the credit uv the Gov- ernment, sliood think for a moment uv payin the debt in anything but wat Avas contemplated — honest hard gold." At a meeting the next nite to ratify Seemore's nomenashen, I sed this over agin, and asked em if any Deniokrat Avho re- membered the glorious lite Jackson made for hard money, wood consent for a moment to multiply a irredeemable paper currency ? No I Let us, ez our glorious standard bearer Seemore hez so boldly proclaimed, let us pay our debts in Demokratic money — gold — hard, shinin, yaller gold. Three cheers for Seemore !" And they cheered ez vigorously ez I ever heered men cheer. Ther aint no trouble in managin the Dimokrasy. All they Avant is to hev it settled Avat they are to hurrah for, and they hurrah for it. NotAvithstandin the fo paw I made the first nite, Ave shell poll the yoosual vote for Seemore, and possibly more. Yet the experiment wuz a leetle risky. I will never ratify agin till I knoAV Avat I am ratifyin and forAA'boni. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M., TFjc/t is Postvuister, LIBRRRY OF CONGRESS BTASBIT'S ^AT^^j^.',* The Toledo Weekly Blade. 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