JSJhf?^ mm 9 : ' • "". 'u l§ jtftfift} - vjgwSl J L# EH' .:iir.'i ; ' EG "jKlit-'Cj Big!- HB K&oacpj m s nmximiJi: z Class _£ikl = i|_ Book ■ .TH3 Copyright^ . COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. Photo By Murff A Mississippi "Chocolate Drop." NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Also Containing Folk Lore, Folk Songs, Race Peculiarities, Race History BY MARION F. HARMON, B. S ILLUSTRATED LOUISVILLE, KY. Harmon Publishing Co. 1914 Copyrighted 1914 By Th« Harmon Publishing Company c5 NOV 28 1914 'CI.A393202 ♦Ml/ <3C prt (§n? A FOREWORD There are more than nine million Negroes in the United States and fully five- sixths of them live in the South Atlantic and Gulf States. In this section of our country, the Negro has always found the most congenial surroundings, and the possibilities for earning a livelihood the best adapted to his nature and conditions. Here in all probability he will always reside, and pur- sue the even tenor of his way. There is an at- tachment of no mean proportions between him and his white neighbor, and in a large measure each is dependent upon the other. Except in ag- gravated cases the relations are peaceable and pleasant. It is now half a century since freedom came to him, and his progress since the "Proclamation" has been wonderful, in financial, educational and religious matters. No race has ever made more rapid advances following emancipation than has he. The rate of illiteracy has decreased, until today it is but little in excess of thirty per cent. Throughout the South splendid colleges and ed- ucational equipments are conducted for his up- lift. The better element of the white people in every way pessibla ita of this" unfortunate race. The exclave will soon be no more, and to preserve the quaintness, the wit and humor of the "Old Time Darkey," this book has been brought into existence. Very truly, The Author. INTRODUCTION The incidents of Wit and Humor herein have been accumulated during a period of several years residence in the Southern States. A large por- tion of these stories have never been published, as they have come under the personal observation of the author, or have been told to him by friends who vouch for their accuracy and originality. In addition to the Wit and Humor of the Southern Negro, a division of the book deals with the Folk Lore of the race, their quaint sayings, proverbs, signs of good and bad "Luck," etc. As the Negro advances in education the power of the "Rabbit foot" over him is weakened. The hope of the race is in its yearning desire for an education. If this can be attained, with the moral and regen- erating power of the Gospel of Christ accompa- nying it, the future of the race is radiant with hope. . The closing chapter is made up of a few songs selected from their race hymnology. The words only are given. To be properly appreciated these songs should be heard sung by a competent Negro choir. The songs herein were sung by the cele- brated "Jubilee Singers," before many of the largest and most cultured audiences ever gather- ed for concert purposes, both in this country and the Old World. The "Jubilee Singers" was a band of fourteen young negro men and women, just out of bondage, who went out from Fiske Uni- versity in the latter '60's. They were Tennessee- ans, and after touring the north and east of this conntry, they toured Europe, and there sang be- fore many of her "Crowned Heads," with marvel- ous success. In the compilation of this book the author is indebted to Prof. A. J. Aven of Mississippi Col- lege, Clinton, Mississippi for original stories as well as for some of his splendid dialect verse. Among others who have contributed to the suc- cess of the work, mention is made of Prof. Joseph C. Cotter, principal of the S. Coleridge Taylor colored school, Louisville, Ky., and to Thos. A. Blue, Colored Branch Librarian, Louisville, Ky. The illustrations in this volume are original, and are produced primarily to show the progress the race has made during the half century of its freedom. That this book may find a place for both amusement and usefulness, is the sincere wish of its Author, Negro Wit and Humor NEGRO SYNONYMS I am I'ze. Except Excusin. Only Onliest. Supreme Extreme. Sure Sho, (long o.) Door Do, Before Befo, " Tuberculosis Two-bugs-in-a-lo- cus. Renovated Renogonated. Analysed Scandalized. Timid Timicent. Talmage Talmud. You are You am. Deceased Ceasted. The above are only a few of the many words and their synoyms which I have heard constantly for many years. wit an B K U M © n Interrupting The Service. An old time negro preacher was standing waist deep in the stream, and waiting for the congregation to finish the song, became impatient and with an outburst of indignation, said: "Niggers, ef y V dun hush dat fuss, y'o wont get no good out'n de service." A Hoodo Tree. One day old Uncle Joe was cutting wood in the field, when his master came by and said: "It seems that this old tree has no persim- mons on it. ' ' Said the old darkey. "No, Sir, an' it aint gwine neber hab any on it, kase clis is de tree whut Bill Johnson wus strung on." Must Prove The Case. Andrew was brought before the judge twice a year regularly, and in much dignity submitted his cases, and paid large fines. Finally when brought before the judge and asked if he were ready to submit his case, he re- plied : "No sir, y'o' honer, y'o's guiner hatter prove it on de old nigger frum dis time on." 10 Part Of A Prayer. Sam had just been or- dained as a deacon, when his pastor called on him to close tha services with a prayer. He prayed as follows: "Suppos'in' I bow down befo' de Lo'd, suppos'in' I offer myse'f in pra'r, den let me bow down wid a clean heart, a pure min\ and unde- filed conshunse; walkin' in de broad and beaten way, y'u' seems ter like y'u'r distance well, why don' y'u' come ter Jesus an' lib. Gods er good man, he's er clean man, he's er purty man." A Whopping Base Singer. An old negro who was being tried under a charge of murder was asked by the judge if he had anything to say. He replied : "Jedge ef y'u hangs me, y'u will hang de bes' base singer in de Souf." De Charcots Ob De Lawd. Old Aunt Sallie had lived all her life since the war with her mis- tress whom she had nursed. Now the old darkey old and unable to work was made comfortable and given all the privileges she wanted. It was her custom every day to go down to the road side and 11 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR pass the most of the time which was pleasant, in order to ask the passersby about the doings in the community. One day two automobiles, (a thing she had never seen) passed by. The first passed and the old auntie jumped up, when there passed the second she hobbled up to the house of her mistress and said in an excited tone: M F'o God Miss Bettie, de judgment day am come, and de char'ots uv de Lo'd am passin' ." Lookin' For Somewhar To Go. Bill Turner was a noted character of Clinton, Miss . One day a gentleman went to the station to send a tele- gram. Not seeing the operator, he asked Bill where the operator was. The reply was: "I dunno, de las' time I seed 'im, he wus lookin' fur some whar ter go." The operator had just been fired. Not Scared But Uncomfortable. An old negro was arrested for some serious crime, and without judge or jury, the crowd was going to swing him up. The rope was secured, the noose tied, and everything was in readiness for a hang- ing., when it was discovered that this was a case of 12 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR mistaken identity. A neighbor was interrogating the old negro after it was all over. He said to the old man; "Uncle, did you not feel awful scared with the rope around your neck, and death staring you in the face?" "Who scared! me?" the darkey replied, "me scared? 'cose I want scared, but I felt mouty un- cumfo'table." Creation. An old time negro preacher was discussing the creation of man. He said; "When de Lawd made man, he made him out'n mud, an set him up ergin der fence ter dry." Hoi' on dare, Bro. Rastus, who made dat fence?" was ask- ed the preacher. "Hush, niggah," said the preacher, "y'u spile all my theology." The Protracted Meeting. Bob Smith of Meridian, Mississippi, is responsible for this one. He says it was while he was a student in Ken- tucky University, Lexington, Ky., that he was at prayer meeting one Wednesday night. One of the colored Christian preachers was in attendance upon the white services that evening. After all the 13 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR white brethren were through speaking, they call- ed upon the colored brother to say something. He began something like this: "Brethern, we all needs de 'sistance of y'u white folks. Wese gwine to begin a meetin' at de colored church next Wednesday night, an' we would be proud to see some ob you thar to en- courage us. Thar will also be preachin' on Thurs- day night, and likewise Friday night; preachin' too on Saturday night, an' it will be hel' over Sun- day." An Early Call. About 6 a. m. on the A. & V. Ry., between Jackson and Meridian, Miss., the colored porter calls out: "Peelehachee! All out for Peelehachee! Twen- ty minutes fer breakfus!" Not Too Intimate. On a certain occasion a negro man was asked the time of day. When he told the inquirer, the gentleman said, "You are just with me." Bill replied: "I'll move on, dat's too close for a nigger and a white man to be togedder." Charge Of Vagrancy. Preston, one of the 14 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR worthless negroes of the town, went to Cooper's Well to work during the season. On his return, one of the Professors in Mississippi College asked him if he had made his fortune during his stay at the Well. He replied: "No sir, Fesser, I didn't made nuttin. I'd er done better ter stay in Clinton." "Well," replied the Professor, "why did you not stay in Clinton?" "I wus," replied the darkey, "but de mare, (Mayor) cummensed talkin' 'bout takin' me up fur vacancy." A Preacher Set Back. I was pastor of a church in Bowling Green, Ky., in the latter part of the '80's. One day while in the barber's chair, the porter, a small negro boy. came up to me rub- bing his mouth, (for he had just finished eating a pig's foot,) and said: "Boss let me shine dem shoes." I thought I would have some fun argu- ing with him. So I told him that I was not able to stand the expense, and besides, I said, it would do no good to get them shined, for the mud was so deep between there and my house that they would get muddy in a few minutes. "Dars no mud 15 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR 'tween here and whar y'o lives," said the boot black. "How do you know where I live?" I asked him. "I knows whar y'u lives," was his reply. I pressed him to tell me who I was and where I lived, and this was his answer: "Why, y'o stays up at the big hotel an' runs de minstrel show." How Superstition Helps. A friend of mine in Wilkinson County, Mississippi who has large planting interests in that section of the state and employes many negroes, told me the following: — Among the many of his employees was a negro man by the name of Mose, who was noted for his shady deeds and a lack of telling the truth. It was announced one day that Mose was going to preach on a certain night in a school house on the plantation. This was considered a great joke by all the negroes and they expected to have a great deal of fun out of the occasion. They invited the "Boss Man" to go over to the "preachin," which invitation he accepted, but was careful not to go into the building, for he did not want to be a party to anything that seemed to partake of sacrilege. But it was fun for the dusky auditors. They 16 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR grew so hilarious thai indignant, and decided to put a stop to it. So he said: "Now niggahs, Ize tired ob yer lanin' and I tells y'o to stop it; ef ye dont, I'll pray God Almighty to smite y'o dead." Not another one dared to laugh but two or three were so full they could not hold in and they began to sneak out. But Mose was indignant at this and said: "I say fur not 'nother niggar to go out ob dis house, ef he do, I'll pray God Almighty to smite y'o dead." Not another negro moved till Mose had pronounced the bene- diction. Ready In An Emergency. This story is told on a colored preacher who was holding a meeting in a tobacco barn in a rural district in Kentucky. An empty tobacco hogshead was pressed into ser- vice as a platform upon which the darkey stood to deliver his sermon. He soon warmed up to his subject and got excited. Throwing his arms above his head and elevating one foot he exclaim- ed: "De righteous shall rise and de wicked shall fall." At the word "Pall" he brought his foot down with power upon the hogshead, and through he went to the ground, out of sight, as he wa* 19 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR short of stature. This of course caused an up- roar among his auditors, bub quick as a flash he pulled himself up and as his head came in view, he said: "Bless God, dey shall rise ergin." Two Purchasers For One Hog. Booker T. Washington is responsible for this one, as I get it. An old negro farmer sold a hog to a white man who happened to be passing by. The man start- ed home with his purchase, and after a mile or so seperated him from the old darkey, the hog got loose and of course returned to its original owner. Shortly after its return, another white man hap- pened to be passing by, and he wanted the hog also, and in a few moments a bargain had been consummated between him and the old negro. So he went on his way, and very soon was met by the first purchaser who had gone back to get his run- away animal. He at once recognized the hog as his propert3 T , but was told by purchaser No. 2 that he had also bought the hog and had paid three dollars for it. They agreed to both return to the seller and have the matter straightened out. When they both faced the old negro, and each 20 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR asking him if they did not buy the hog and pay for it, he said: "I guess y'o did boss." "Well what are you going to do about this matter?" they both asked him. His reply was: "Y'o white folks go long an settle yer difficulties 'tween y'o selves." A New Definition Of Baptism. A friend in Amory, Mississippi, told me this one which he witnessed with his own eyes and hoard with his own ears. There had been a protracted meeting in the negro church near the town and at the close of the meeting the candidates were to be baptized. A number of the late joiners were taken out into the Creek by the preacher to be immersed. Some one had evidently been wanting some scriptural authority for this kind of baptism. The preacher, ready to immerse a candidate, said: "I'ze been asked to splain why 'mersion is baptism. It am too plain to need splainin'. Now when I puts dis heah man down in de water, his backbit de water an as it do it say, 'b-a-p.' When I brings him outen de water, de water it run toce^der an say 't-i-s.m.' " 21 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Correcting A Statement. The Argonaut re- cently sent forth the following: A colored pastor, upon the occasion of delivering a forceful harran- gue to his congregation, said: "I sees befor' me twelve chicken thieves, including William San- ders." Now Sandy was a handy man with his razor, and the parsons friends urged him to set things right with Sanders at the first opportunity. The parson made on the next Sunday the follow- ing announcement: "Brethern, at our last meeting I made a statement which, after mature delibera- tion, I desire to correct, realizing as I do that my remarks upon that occasion might not have been understood correctly. What I should have said was:" "There are in this congregation twelve chick- en thieves, not includin' William Sanders. " In The Police Court. A pair of recently married negroes were up before "de Jedge" to have their maratial troubles adjusted. The groom only was questioned as to what their differ- ences were. He said: "Jedge, I jist can't satisfy dat gal wid money. Its money all de time, de firs' thing in 22 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR de mo'nin' is money, an de las' thing at night is money, an' Jedge, I'ze tired ob bein' all de time pulled fer money." Said the Judge: "Sandy, how much have you given her?" "I aint done gib her none yit," was the reply. Not Coin* Nowhar. This one was told me by an employee of the Street Railway of Jackson, Miss. Over at the little town of Forest, Miss., the county jail is right on the side of the road, and the "jail birds" frequently enjoy a diversion by talking to the negroes who passed by. An old darkey was passing, and a negro on the inside of the jail hollowed out: "Howd'y' Uncle Ephreni."' Uncle Eph, without raising his head replied, "Howd'y Niggah," but kept going right on. Then the fellow in the jail said: "What time is ix> Uncle Ephrem?" Uncle Eph did not raise his head, but kept going on, but retorted: ''What diffunce does it inaketo>'o, Niggah, what time it am, y'us not gwine nowhar nohow." The Tagged Dog. An old darkey took a dog to the station to have him expressed. The 23 NEGEO WIT AND H U M O E had been tagged, with the owners name and place of destination on the tag. On the way to the sta- tion, the dog had in some way gotten the tag off. When the station master asked the old negro where the dog was going to the darkey replied: "Dunno Boss, he done et up de place whar he wus gwine to." The Negro A Fine Collector. There are no better collectors in the world than the average negro. If you owe one anything from a penny to a pound, you had better make arrangements to pay it, if you count peace and tranquility of spirit worth anything. This good collecting proclivity is developed early in life, as is shown by the fol- lowing little experience. In the printing office we pay off always on Saturday afternoon. At the time in question all the employees had gotten their envelopes but little Johnnie, who was the office "devil." I was going to go off on the train, and had Johnnie take me to the depot in the buggy. I had his envelope in my pocket, ex- pecting to give it to him when getting to the sta- tion. On the way Johnnie said: "Mr. H. , is it fur wha' y'o is gwine?" I said: "Yes Johnnie, it is 24 NEGRO WIT A N n > M H about 140 miles." He pulled up the lines, began to jerk nervously at the reins, gave the horse a cut with the whip and said: "Mr. H., does y'o want to see me fo' y'o goes?" I said: "Yes Johnnie, I have your money in my pocket." Forgiving One Another. Ben was a colored man owned by a physician. Because of Ben's loyalty, his master loved him very much, and when the physician thought Ben was going to die decided to have a talk with him. So the doctor said: "Ben, you have been a good slave, and I love you, but you must soon go to your long home, I have come to ask you if you are ready, it* you have anything in your heart against anybody." Ben commenced, as he looked up into the face of his master to say: "Massa, y'o knows ole Zeke. Zeke al'us pose me in everything I do. I nevah did like dat nig- gah Zeke. I jes tells y'o right now I'zs nevah gwine ter fo'give dat niggah Zeke." "Ben," the doctor said, "God will never for- 25 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR give you then. I want to meet you in heaven. I am anxious that you be saved, and I will get down on my knees by your side, and while I pray you pray too." The doctor kneeled by the negro's bedside and began to pray. Ben prayed too, and all at once he said: "Massa, I'ze done 'cided what I'ze gwine ter do." The doctor asked him for his decision in the matter, when Ben replied: "I'ze 'cided if I dies, I'ze gwine ter fergive Zeke, but if I gets well, I tell y'o dat niggah Zeke had better get out ob de way." Hunting A Job. The way the average negro tries to get a position of any kind, is to go to the door of the "white man" and ask: "Does y'u don't want nobody to do nothin' fer yo'?" There are in the United States, belonging to the negro race, Colleges, Universities, Denomi- national and Private Schools of all classes and kinds, reported by the latest "Year Book" a total of 550. 26 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR The Ceese Not A Barrier. While we cannot vouch for the authenticity of this story, we can attest the "naturalness" of it. A woman, whose cook had been locked up for stealing two geese, paid the cook's fine and had her turned loose. In about a week or so afterwards there was to be a special communion service in the colored church to which the cook belonged. She informed her employer on Saturday that she could not be back on Sunday to get dinner as she wanted to be at church for communion service. "Huldy," said the white lady, "do you mean to tell me that you are going to church tomorrow and take of the sacred communion, when it has only been two weeks since you were in jail for stealing geese, and I had to bail you out?" Huldy replied: "Law Miss, does yo' spose Ize gwine to let two old geese come 'tween me and de Lawd?" De Animal Confer'nce. A negro preacher returning from his annual conference, and relat- ing his experiences during his stay, said: "I'ze bin to de animal confer'nce, an de bishop wanted ter make me a slidin' elder, but I tole him I'de rudder be a circus preacher/ ' 27 NEOH© WIf AN© HWMQn Making It Emphatic. Two dusky damsels were at outs. One was a " 'siety lady," while the other was a corn field negro. The society damsel on meeting her enemy, and appearing to want to be friendly, said in the sweetest voice she could command: "Whar is y'o gwine dis mon'in'?" The other raised her nose at an angle of about forty- five degrees and replied: "Its none yer bisness whar I'ze gwine; I'ze gwinter whar I'ze gwinter, dats whar I'ze gwin- ter." The Nacher'l Way. This one may be a little old, but it or its equivalent has happened some- where along the line. I'll vouch for it. A good man took pity on a little "Pickaninny" and gave him a dollar to buy him a Christmas turkey. When his "Mammy" saw him with the dollar she asked him how he came in possession of it, told her the dollar had been given him by "a white gem men" to buy a Christmas turkey. His mammy said: "Abe Lincum, gib me dat dollah, an y'u go an git de turkey in de nacher'l way." 28 NKGRO WIT AND HUMOR He Forgot The Name. A prominent lady in a prosperous little Delta town told me this one. She had a house boy by the name of "Goobe." She sent Goobe to the store one day after geletine for a dessert for dinner. Of course he forgot the name of the article for which he was sent. As best the clerk could get at it, the boy wanted something for desert, and he sent a package of glucose to the lady. When he reached home the landlady asked Goobe if he had gotten the gele- tine, he replied: "Law, Miss Fox, y'o done sent me for gele- kin an' I got bluclose." The Negro And Honesty. Negroes are uni verally condemmed by some people as being dis- honest, and of a great many, this is true. But the white race, and all other races have some dis- honest material to look out for. It is a hard mat- ter to determine whether or not the race has made as rapid strides in the matter of honesty as it has in other directions. But in justice to the race I want to give an illustration of the honest principle that was in some of the race immediately follow- ing the Civil War. 29 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR This story was told me by a friend, of Dunn- ville, Ky., and whose veracity I never heard called in question. As this gentleman related the mat- ter to me, there was in the "Green River Coun- try" a large farm with many slaves. One of them had bought his and his wife's freedom before the war began, and had begun to pay for his daugh- ter's freedom. He had paid one-third, or $500.00 on the debt and had given his note for the balance of the $1,500. The war set the negroes free, and of course this cancelled the obligations on the negro girl. The old negro was told that he did not have to pay as the negroes were set free. But he said it was a just debt, and he wanted to pay it and he did. This illustration of honesty would put many a man to shame who talks recklessly about the dishonesty of all negroes. Fluctuating Membership. A colored pastor was asked as to the numerical strength of his congregation, and he replied: "Dat depens on de season ob de yeah; in de 'vival season mighty neah all is members, but in de backslidin time dares ginerally only me, an Aunt Jane, an ole Uncle Peter." 30 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR The "Devil" In A Printing Office. Little Johnnie was a twelve year old darkey just from the country come to town to get a job. He was about as unlikely a specimen as could be found. I employed him as "devil" in my printing office. He had never talked over a telephone in his life. One day he was told to answer the 'phone if it rang. Presently he came rushing up into the composing room, almost out of breath, and when asked what was the matter, replied: "I'ze done hollered in dat telegram." "Well, what did they say?" was asked Johnie. His reply was: "Dey said sen' somebody dare to talk what can talk." Too Many Societies. An old colored preach- er was asked how his church was getting along and his answer was: "Mighty po, mighty po, Brudder'" When asked the trouble with his church he replied: "Dem 'cieties, 'cieties. Dey is jes drawin' all de fatness an de marrow outen de body an' de bones ob de blessed Lawds body. We can't do nuftin widout de 'ciety. Dere is de Lincum 'ciety 31 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR wid Sister Jones an Brudder Jones to run it; Sister Williams mus' march in front ob de Daugh- ter's ob Rebecca. Den dare is de Dorcuses, de Marthas, de Daughter's ob Ham, an Libernian Ladies." "Well, you have the brethren to help in the work of the church," was suggested. "No sah, dar am de Masons, de Odd Fellers, de Sons ob Ham, de Oklahoma Promised Lan' Pilgrims an de Independent Order ob de Sons an Daughters ob Jacob ob America. Why, Brudder, by de time de Brudders an Sisters pays de dues an tends all de meetins dere is nuthin lef for Mt. Pisgah church but jis de cob; de corn hab been shelled ofT and f rowed to dese speckled chickens." Equal To Any Emergency. It is difficult t get the average negro in so close a place that he cannot find a perfectly plausible explanation, or a good getting out place. The following little story was told me by a friend, and illustrates this dis- position to perfection. Among the race are to be found preachers not a few. These, as a rule, are not all sanctified. With some the ministry is only a cloak for rascality. Well, as the story goes, a 32 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR parson was hauled up for stealing chickens. The judge asked him: "Are you guilty, or not guilty?" "Jedge, I'se not guilty," was the reply. Then with a sound lecture to the old preacher to live above suspicion, and many other admoni- tions to righteousness, to all of which the old negro gracefully consented, the judge turned him loose. As he was about to leave he reached under his seat to get his sack which he carried, and in which was a chicken. In the scramble the chick- ed got loose and ran across the room. The judge said: "Now Uncle, you have the chicken with you, what have you to say to that?" As quick as a flash, the old negro replied: "Jedge, all I'se got to say is, de man what put dat chicken in dis here sack, am no fren' ob mine." Hard On Written Sermons. Sometimes a young negro preacher writes a sermon. Visiting such a one an old colored preacher thus addressed his young brother: "Dat will neber do. Y'o see de debil he stans 33 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR right behin' y'o desk, an he is lookin over y'o shoulder an seein ebery word y'o write, an when y'o come inter de pulpit on Sunday, hes der befo' y'o, and knows ebery argument y'or gwine ter use, an he can answer dem all. Now my young brudder, when I gets up ter preach de debil hiself cant tell what I'ze gwine ter say." Kotched Him Wid De Hoss. A lawyer had been engaged to defend a young negro in one of the Delta counties, charged with stealing a horse. It was a hard-fought case, and ordinarily the negro would have been found guilty, but the at- torneys confused the jury with technicalities and managed to secure an acquittal. A few days later the lawyer was much sur- prised when the grandfather of the young negro walked into the office and stated that he again wanted his services to defend the boy on the charge of horse stealing. "Well, uncle," said the lawyer, "if I was you I wouldn't waste any more money on that negro. He seems to be a hopeless case. My conscience has been worrying me about that other trial, for I am inclined to believe that we committed an abor- 34 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR tion of justice in getting him out of the scrape." "Yassah, yassah, dat's so," replied the old darkey, "but I'se 'gwine to try en git him out dis time, an den if he gits in anoder scrape, I'se gwine ter let him go on to de tenipentiary." "Well, what sort of evidence have they got against him this time?" asked the lawyer. "Dat's jes' de pint," exclaimed the old darkey "dey ain't got er bit ob evidence erginst dat nig- gah." "Well, surely they've got evidence of some sort," said the lawyer, "otherwise he would not have been arrested." "Boss, I 'clare fo' goodness, dey aint got er bit ob evidence erainst dat boy, 'xcusin' de fact dat dey kotched him wid de hoss." No Race Suicide Here. The Birmingham Advertiser of August 21st had the following special in its columns: "Bull Moose triplets are the latest in Ethiopi- an circles of East Birmingham. However, two of them are girls. The mother is a corpulent negro woman, who 87 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR gives her name as Mary Williams, and who lives at 5310 Ninth Avenue, North. The boy weighs eight pounds and the girls seven and one-half pounds each. The mother of the triplets told Patrolman O'Neal, who saw the three aces on the front porch of the home, that she didn't have but seven other children and "sho wuz proud uve dese beauties." She also told the officer that being very fond of "Mr. Teddy Roosevelt's" ideas on race suicide, she had named all three of the late arrivals after the "big man." When asked what were the names given, she answered, "One uve de little gals is named Rosa- velt Williams, de yether one is named Theodosia, an' de boy we calls Theodore Teddy Williams. Dey is gwine ter be some niggers, boss; you watch whut I tells you/' Go Away Grammer. Uncle Ben was an old time darkey, the butler in a prominent Louisville family. He had a son who was about as worthless a specimen of the modern shiftless kind as you would be liable to meet. One day the young man took it into his head 38 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR to get married, saying nothing to the old man who knew that he had nothing to get married on, and would not be likely to approve. However, a rumor of what had happened reached the old man, and he sent for his son, and took him to task. The young man stood first on one foot and then on the other, trying to think what to say. Finally a bright idea struck him. He said: "Well I aint sayin' I aint." This did not puzzle the old man for an instant. He said : ''Look heah, you good for nuffin' trash, I aint askin' you, is you aint; I'se askin' you, aint you is." He Didn't Want That Run. Frank Harri- son, the general sales manager of the popular West Virginia Pulp & Paper Co., who is a South- erner and loaded with darkey stories, told recent- ly of a negro who wanted to be made a can ier on a rural free delivery route. He made his applica- tion and went before the examing board, whose members were men he had known all his life. He was therefore somewhat dazed at being treated as an absolute stranger, and was asked sternly: "What's your name?" NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR "Sam Johnson, sah." "Well, Mr. Johnson, where were you born?" "Now, y'o looka heah boss, you done knowed whah I'se bawn. I'se bawn right on yoah oP father's fahm." "Never mind that, Mr. Johnson. You were born in Piedmont. Now, Mr. Johnson, tell this Board how many miles it is from the earth to the moon." "Huh! Boss, I can't tell dat, an' I'se gwine to quit dis heah job right now. You all can't put me on no such run as dat." What Is Prayed For. An old darkey who was asked if in his experience prayer was ever answered, replied: "Well, sah, some pra'as is an- sud an' some isn't — 'pends on what yo' asks fo'. Jest arter de wah, w'en it was mighty hard scratchin' fo' de culled brudren, I 'bsarved dat whenebber I pway de Lo'd to sen' one o' Massa Peyton's fat turkeys fo' de ole man, dere was no notice took ob' de partition; but w'en I pway dat he would sen' de ole man fo* de turkey, de ting was 'tended to befo' sunup nex' mornin' dead sar- tin." 40 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Another High Up In Life. In 190B I was in Washington City, and of course there are no more interesting places there nor anywhere than our National Buildings. And there was nothing there more interesting to me than the Negroes of Washington, notwithstanding I am among them all the time and have been all my life. I thought I would see if being in Washington would change their disposition, talk or their peculiarities. One negro that I watched very closely, was a guide in the War Department. A friend and I had gone through the Department by ourselves, till just before making the rounds, when w T e came up on a party with the old darkey in question leading the way, and explaining everything. We ended the journey, closing up in the Diplomatic room. Here the old negro explained everything; showed where the Diplomats from every nation sat, explained all the pictures on the walls, w T ent through his stereotyped speech, growing more eloquent all the time. After finishing his spiel, the vital moment had come. He told about how long- he had been in this guide business, explaining thai he was not on any salary, but made his living 41 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR from the free will offerings from those whom he had served. He said he would now take the offer- ing. Turning to my friend and me, he said: "Now these two gentlemen have not been with us all the way, just fell in with our crowd in the other room, and of course I could nob expect any- thing from them." "But," he continued, "if they have any thing to throw away, of course I would be glad for them to throw it my way." I said to my friend, that is the genuine ar- ticle, just like a regular Mississippi negro for the world. They know the art of collecting. "Sin Killer Griffin," The Evangelist. There are many negroes in the ministrj- with wonderful executive characteristics, and some with tremen- dous magnetic powers. Among this class was an immense negro by the name of "Sin Killer" Grif- fin, whose headquarters some years ago seemed to be principally in Dallas, Texas. At least this is where he was holding forth when I got acquainted with him by reputation. One peculiarity of his was taking his own collections. He said: "He had been liftin' his own collections since one of de deacons in de congregation one night 42 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR tetched his collection." When anyone attempted to put a quarter in his hat and takeout change, "Sin Killer" would at once draw back the hat and say: "No sah, no mans hand goes in my hat," and would hand back the change himself. A friend of mine was telling me about a ser- vice he attended of the Reverend "Sin Killer," while holding forth in the city of Terrell, Texas. The Reverend gentleman had been preaching for about one week with apparently no success, at least in the way of additions. "Sin Killer" had stood the apathy in the meeting long enough, and was determined to bring things to a head this night. So after the preliminaries he said: "Brethren, I'ze been preachin' here for a week now, and not a nigger has come through. I tells y'o, some nigger has got to come through this night. I'ze gittin tired ob preachin' widout results. If some one don't come, I'ze gwine to bring the world to an end." Then prancing frantically across the stage a few times, and gesticulating as he moved bis pon- derous body, he kneeled down on one end of the 43 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR platform, with his hands lifted aloft, with up- raised head, eyes closed, and in a voice that sound- ed like the "rushing of many waters," he yelled: "Gabriel! Gabriel! Come and come quick." Some good old sister shouted, "Glory to God" and the ball was set rolling, and before the meet- ing closed that night, many had "come through." And Another One. Up near Amory, Miss., is a man fond of the chase, and frequently brings back a deer from the hunt. He had a trusty negro man who was always on the job with the big white man of Nimrod proclivities. The negro was always ready to vouch for any statement made by the hunter. On bringing in a fine deer one day, to the admiration of the negro attendant, the hunter thought he would see how big a yarn he could tell and have the negro testify to it. So, when asked how he killed the deer said: "I shot him through the right foot and right ear." The crowd began to look suspicious about the story and expressed their disbelief in it, when the hunter called on the negro to testify to it, which he very promptly did. Then one in the crowd 44 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR called on the negro to explain how he could shoot a deer through the right ear and the right foot at the same time. The darkey's replies was: "Boss, dats easy. Y'u see, de deer he raise his right foot to scratch his year, and while he was a scratchin', Mr. Johnsing, he jest shot him an de ball go f ru bof de foot an de year at de same time." When the crowd had gone, the negro came up to Mr. Johnson and said: "Mr. Johnsing, don't y'o tell nuthing like dat ergin, cause it wus all I could do to make dat story reasunable." High Sounding Distinction. A. negro was being examined on the witness stand, and in the midst of the examination, this question w T as asked him: "Did you say he was a barrow, and if so what do you mean by that name?" "Yas sah," said the witness, "a barrow 7 am a hog widout any social distinction in de community in which he do reside." He Had Only Two Gaits. A lineman in Oak 45 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOH Cliff, Texas, told me this one as coming under his experiences. He had a negro man up on a tele- graph pole stringing a wire, and it seemed that the negro would never finish his job. The fore- man getting tired of the darkey's slow motions, demanded to know if he could not go a little fas- ter, if he could not get another "gait" upon him. The negro replied: "Boss, I'ze only got one udder gait, an its a slower one dan dis here one." Not Er'zackly Enough. My brother, who was foreman of the printing office, always brought his dinner with him. After eating one day he observed Johnnie sitting close by, and he asked Johnnie if he had had his dinner. Johnnie said: 'Yas sah." "All right," said my brother, "I only thought if you had not, I have some left here wh ich you could have." As quick as a flash, Johnnie replied: "Do'n know as I had er'zackly enough." Campaign Illustrations. The Senatorial campaign of 1911 in Mississippi was one of the 46 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR most Intense and exciting in the history of the state. The negroes, though practically disfran- chised, entered into the feeling of the situation, though they sometimes got matters a little mixed, as the following will illustrate: Two negroes up in the Delta country, which is a haven for the negroes, got to discussing the Senatorial situation, and one of them asked the other how many of "dem Mr. Vardemans was dere runnin'?" When he was told there were two he then asked: "what dey names?" "Why, dars Mr. Anti-Vardeman, and Mr. James K. Vardeman, dat stole de battle ship." The Evangslist's Experience. An evangelist of the Christian Church in Georgia, Bro. E. L. Shelnut, was holding a little meeting for the negroes in Eastman, Georgia, and he had them to preside at the preliminary part of the service. At one service a young negro man was asked to lead in prayer. He started out with his voice pitched on a high key, and said: "Lord, we thank Thee that Thou did'st let de sun rise dis mo'nin' and went streakin' 'cross de blue easter an' set behiu' de western horizontal." 47 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR He said much more of the same kind, but Bro. Shelnut was so filled up with this opening sentence that he could not remember what fol- lowed. "Dat Mule." "Down in Janesville, where I used to live," relates Dr. Washburn Yunt, "there was an old colored man who owned a mule. He had more respect for that mule than for any man, white or black. The old man claimed that the an- imal could do anything but talk, and that he did- ent talk because he understood the superior wis- dom of keeping still. Well, one day that mule was lost, strayed or stolen. Uncle Billy nearly had a fit. He searched diligently all day long and at the end of the day he was about ready to lay down and die. A friend tried to help him. 'Uncle Billy,' he said, 'why dont you advertise for that mule? 'Whyan't ah what?' 'Advertise. Put a piece in the paper saying that he is lost. That will bring him back if any- thing will. ' 48 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR 'Uncle Billy laughed for the first time that day.' 'White man,' he said between chuckles, 'dat mule am a powerful smaht animal, he sho am — but, Lawd bles yo' he can't read de newspapas.' " Going Some. The recently appointed chief justice is a pretty good story teller, says the New York Tribune. He was formerly a Louisiana sugar planter, and this is one of the stories attrib- uted to him: Two negroes on a Louisiana plantation be- came involved in a row with another Ethiopian, who was handy with a gun. The two started to run about the time the bad man began to shoot. The fleeing ones had proceeded about a hundred yards when the following occurred: "Sam, you hear dat bullet?" "Yas, I hearn it — two times." "How you mean two times?" asked the ques- tioner, as he quickened his pace. "I hearn dat bullet once when it passed me, and den anudder time when I passed it," jerked out Sam between short breaths, 49 M NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Morey Wanted. "Brudren," said a darkey down on a plantation, "brudren, I's got a five-dol- lar sermon, an' a two-dollar sermon, an' a one- dollar sermon, an' I want dis here indelicate audi- ence to take up a collection as to which one ob dem dey can afford to hear." Words And Work. "Brudren" said a darkey in a prayer-meeting, "I feels like I could talk mo' good in five minutes dan I could do in a year." Able To Deceive The "Elect." The follow ing is taken from the Daily Clarion Ledger, Jack- son, Miss., and a true report of a circumstance oc- curing at the time. "Last night another delegation of negroes passed up the Illinois Central bound for the plan- tations of the upper Mississippi. There were perhaps a hundred of them; negroes of all sorts and kinds, descriptions and colors, ages and sexes, in fact any and all sorts and varieties of the race, happy and contented, going to look for an Eldorado, but there was one who didn't go, and the labor agent who had the bunch in charge is wondering what became of him. He was a sleek, fat, robust plow-hand -looking 50 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR sort of a darkey and walking up to the agent, who had the darkies in charge, accosted him with: 'Say, boss, whar you takin' all dese niggers?' The agent told him and then entered into a glowing description of the river section, telling him he was carrying them to a country where every acre of land produced three bales of cotton, and that corn grew three stalks to the hill, with six ears to each stalk and a hoecake on top. 'Stop right dar, boss, dats enuf, put me down as a member of dat congregation.' The agent was overjoyed at having received such a valuable accession to his ranks of laborers, and told the negro to get himself ready to get aboard, but the coon informed him that he owed a board bill that would have to be settled before be could get his trunk, and invited the agent around to his boarding house. There the bill was settled by the agent paying out $13.50 of good hard coin of the realm, the negroes trunk sent to the depot and duly checked, after a ticket had been bought for him. He was the best pleased coon in town, and informed the agent that while he was waiting for the train he would go and get him an- 51 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR other good field hand. And he went, and is still gone. The agent waited and the negro failing to appear at train time the agent went to investi" gate the trunk. It was a heavy affair and seemed to be well filled. Thinking he might find some- thing that would put him on the track of the miss- ing coon, he opened it, and his gaze fell upon the prettiest and best collection of brick-bats and pld rags that a labor agent ever beheld. The conductor yelled 'all aboard,' and with a last lingering look at the evidence of how he had been 'gold-bricked' he made a hasty dive for the disappearing train and caught it just in time not to 'get left' again." The Southerner and the Negro. There is no truer friend to the Southern negro than the white people among whom he has been raised, provided the negro is what he ought to be; if he conducts himself in an upright and honorable way, as the following dispatch will show. The. dispatch is from Clinton, Mississippi to the Daily Clarion Ledger, of Jackson, Miss. "Clinton, Miss., March 10. — One of the fam- iliar figures of this place was laid to rest today in 52 One of the leading Negro Banks, the Southern, Jackson, Mississippi. NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR the private burial ground of the Leake- Johnston family, Bill Johnson was his name and though a negro he will not soon be forgotten by the gener- ations that have come and gone in Clinton. He was born as a slave to the Governor Leake estate, and for many years of his life belonged to Judge Henry Goodloe Johnston upon whom he had waited during that gentleman's lifetime, and on account of his faithfulness to his old master, Judge Johnston deeded him a piece of land upon which he lived until death overtook him on Sun- day last. Bill Johnson was held in the highest esteem by the citizens of the place, being personally known to all. For years he had carried the mail between the depot and town, and during his long service no question as to his character or veracity was ever raised. His funeral was attended today by many people, who saw the earth close over the good old negro, and placed flowers upon his newly made grave, among them Mrs. Agnes Buckley formerly of Clinton, but now of Jackson." "Dis-rememberin' De Tex\ M It w*& oua- tomiry during slavery timoa, for a nagro prfcach' 55 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR er to take bis master to church of a Sunday morn- ing, driving the "big kerridge" to the meeting house, and then take a seat in the gallery of the church. Nearly all old time churches, especially in slavery days, were built with a gallery in front provided for the negroes. On the occasion of which this is said to represent, a very scholarly Presbyterian preacher, who owned slaves, had among the number a faithful house servant who was also a preacher. This slave preacher took his master and family to church one Sunday morning and listened to his master preach an able sermon upon the text: "Let him that loveth not the Lord Jesus Christ, be anathema, maran- atha." So in the afternoon the negro preacher went out to deliver the same sermon to the colored folks. After his preliminaries he said: "Bredderin an' sisterin', I'ze gwinter preach to yo, from a powerful purty tex\ disrememberin' zackly what it say, but it am something like dis: 'let him d at loveth not de Lawd Jesus Chris', be a nabbin' at him an' a grabbin' at him.' " A question answered in the affirmative: "Ya's Sah! Boss." 56 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Date Of The Abolition Of Slavery In Various American Countries. Haiati 1793 French W. Ind . . . 1848 Guadalupe 1794 Venezuela 1854 Chili Oct. 10, 1811 Dutch West Indies Columbia.. .Jul 19, 1821 ai d Dutch Guiana.1863 Mexico. ...Sep 15, 1829 Un States.DeclS, 1865 Bri. Pos. in Am . . .1834 Porto Rico 1873 Ecuador 1845 Cuba 1886 Danish W. Ind. . . . 1848 Brazil 1888 Whean a negroes' mule balks, shakes his head or refuses to go, his driver says: "Dat's what make me hate a mule so." Negro Proverb. "When a niggah gits mad, he can fin' a stick or a stone whar de good Lawd nebber intend one to be." Talking about the severity of the winter, and winter sleeping in the lap of spring, an old time darkey said, "he had always 'bsarved when he live fro d3 month ob March, he libed de res' ob de yeah." 67 #art atom DIALECT VERSE NEGRO LOVE SONG JOSEPH S. COTTER. I lobes your han's, gal; yea I do. (I'se gwine ter wed ter-morro'.) I lobes your earnings thro' an' thro'. (I'se gwine ter wed ter-morro'.) Now, heah de truf. I'se mos' nigh broke; I wants ter take you fer my yoke; So let's go wed ter-morro'. Now, don't look shy, an' don't say no. (I'se gwine ter wed ter-morro'.) I hope you don't expects er sho' When we two weds ter-morro'. I needs er licends — you knows I do — I'll borrow de price ob de same frum you, An' den we weds ter-morro'. How pay you back? In de reg'ler way. When you becomes my honey You'll habe myself fer de princ'pal pay, An' my faults fer de interes' money. Dat suits you well? Dis cash is right. So we two weds ter-morro' night, An' you wuks all de ter-morro's. 61 H Jt ft ■ Q W I ¥ AMP H If M © it UNCLE RUBEN'S REFLECTIONS. A. J. Aven. I w'u'd Jes like ter know whut we's all a guiner do, While a-passin' th'rough de times we is now a passin' th'ough, Fer de times is a-changin' an' a-changin' mighty fas', An' it's neber any tellin' whut is guiner come ter pass; Fer ter do whut y'u will, or ter do whut y'u won't, It's de debel, ef y'u does, an' de debel, ef y'u don't. Now it use ter be de case, ef a skeeter sorter bite, An' w'u'd kiner wake y'u up, ef a-sleepin' in de night, Dat y'u done a little cussin', an' a-slappin' in de win', But y'u tho't no mo' about it dan a baby w'u'd uv sin; When a sketer bite y'u now, y'u mus' git a box uv pills, Fer de skeeters now-a-days has de rankes' p'isin bills. Now it use ter be de case, when y'u sorter fell in love, Dat y'u had a kiner feelin' like y'ur heart wus guiner move, But wus alius mighty happy fer ter hoi' y'ur lady's han\ When de time w'u'd come aroun' fer ter take de bridal stan'; When y'u sees 'em co'tin' now, y'u mos' gen'ly can affirm, Dat de love as whut dey got is de 'sease uv "lover germ." Now it use ter be de case, when de people wus at work, An' dey got a little sluggish, an' begin ter sorter shirk, Dat y'u call 'em kiner lazy, but a littl' shade an' res', Furty soon w'u'd bring 'em out, for ter do deir lebel bes'; Now de 'scuse y'u alius makes fer de lazy fo'ks y'u sees, 62 NSOXO W i 'i' AND HUMOH Dat a wo'm is got 'em hooked wid a hlgh-falutln' 'sease. Now it use ter be de case y'u c'u'd eat a pone uv bread, Wid a plenty butter-milk, atter which y'u went ter bed, All de night a'sleepin soun', all de day-a-feelin' well, Dar wus neber any doctar, fer y'u neber had a spell; But de meal dat now y'u gits, has a lot uv p'isin' stuff, Dat wJ'.: give y'u pellagra, ef y'u eats a-half enough. Now it use ter be de case dat y'u had de flour mill, An' about onct a week, all de bags y'u hatter fill Wid the fines' kiner wheat, fer ter git de flour groun'. An' de biskits whut it made alius mighty good an' brown; But de flour now-a-days, taint a-fittin, fer ter eat, Fer y'u gits de 'pendicitis out'n eber grain uv wheat. Now it use ter be de case, ef y'u needed sump'n teat, Dat y'u e't all y'u wanted uv de fates' kiner meat; In de col' winter days, it w'u'd keep y'u good an' warm, Whedder snowin' or a-sleetin', dar wus neber any harm; Now de time is come ter pass, ter de danger y'u mus' wake Fer de bacin, ef y'u eats, y'u de cancer guiner take. Now it use ter be de case, when a-dancin' at de ball, Twus a-fust "S'lute y'ur pardner," it wus den "A bal'nce all." Den a "Right han's across," an* "An all promenade," An' y'u jes' kep' a-guine, tell de Aggers all y'u made; But de dancin' now is diffunt, dar is not a bit uv harm, Ef y'u whirls aroun' de flo' wid y'ur pardner in y'ur arm. 63 N I ft WIf A N § HUMOR """" » ■ «!■■ ■ -i i * ■ ii j i i j i ii i n u m i . « m .m» i m i m w ■ i i ,m, ■ M il nui Now it use ter be de case, when a-runnin' in a race, Dat y'u laid y'ur coat aside, fer ter make de gre'ter has'e, But y'u alius wore y'ur breeches, an' y'u alius wore y'ur shirt, An' de racers looked as like, dey wus hardly techin' dirt; When y'u sees 'em racin' now, y'u is happy, ef y'u knows, Ef de runners in de race is a'w'arln' uv deir clo'es. Now it use ter be de case, w'eu a lady rode a ho's', Dat y'u neber seed 'er on a sadle like a man across, But a-settin' on a-side in a long flowin' skirt, An' y'u neber seed 'er fallin' off, or eber gittln' hurt; When y'u sees 'em ridin' now, y'u is lucky, ef y'u can Tell de ridin' uv a lady frum de ridin' uv a man. Now it us eter be de case, when y'u seed a lady out, Dat y'u seed 'er dress a-hangin' ter de groun' or nearly bout, It was alius hangin' loose wld a ruffle roun' de feet, An' 'er foot y'u neber seed, cep, 'er toe a-lookin' neat ; When y'u sees a lady now, y'u can hardly eber guess, Whedder breeches she's a-wa'rin', or a-warin' uv a dress. Now it use ter be de case dat de chillun 'beyed deir maws, An' dey fotch de chillun up by de holy scriptyer laws, An' dey heed de Godly 'struction in de way fer all ter go, An' dey alius paid attention ter de things dey orter know; Now de time is come ter pass, dat de chlllun's in do lead, An' it beats all de leadin' dat a body's eber seed. Now it use ter be de case, when y'u get a little sick, Dat de doctar wid his physic raised y'u up purty quick, 64 N K G R O WJT AN9 HUMOR »'■ ■ ■ ■ " ■■■» " i rw — um i'p ii -n ■ ■ l» II . I i n I ■ I ■ II 1.11 I m. Ef de spell wus sorter long, an' y'u got a little thin, Den de neighbors, as de nu'ses, y'u w'u'd see a-comin' in; When y'u Las a feber now, y'u is sholy guiner die, Less y'u gits a lady nu's, an' y'u pays 'er purty high. Now it use ter be de case, ef de 'ligun y'u w'u'd seek, It wus right down ter prayin' an' a-feelin' mighty meek, At de home or at de chech, den it made no diffunce w'ich, 'Twus de 'lijun fer de po', 'twua de lijun fer de rich; Now a singer y'u mus' have, an' unless y'u pays 'im well, Y'u will have a mighty struggle fer ter 'scape a sinner's hell. Do' de times is a-changin' an' a-changin' mighty fas', An' it's neber any tellin', whut is guiner come ter pass, I will keep a-joggin' on, an' will do de bes' I knows, An' I'll try ter go de way whut de chosen people goes; When de time shall come at las' fer ter lay my work aside, In de char'ots uv de angels, wid de angels.. I will ride. 65 1 i a wit h ® u n V M & H ■— — — — g II I !■>! » i» h i j» i I ii i. i. ■! - ■!■ , i m i m i «BB jT i nrrri»n r nun -■ "ANGELINA." Paul Lawrence Dunbar. When de fiddle gits to singin' out a ol' Vahginny reel, An' you 'mence to feel a ticklin' in yo' toe an' in yt)' heel; Ef you t'ink yo' got 'ligion, an' yo' wants to keep it, too, You jes' bettah tak a hint an' git yo'self clean out o'view. Cose de time is mighty temptin' when de chune is in de swing, Fu' a darkey, saint or sinner man, to cut de pigeon-wing. An' you couldn't he'p f'om dancin' ef yo' feet was boun' wif twine, When Angelina Johnson comes a-swingin' down de line. Don't you know Miss Angelina? She's de dah'lin' of de place. W'y dey ain't no high-toned lady wif sich mannahs an' sich grace. She kin move across de cabbin, wif its planks all ru'f an' wo'; Jes' de same ef she was dancin' on ol' missus' ball-room flo'. Fac is, you do' see no cabin — evaht-ing you sees look gran', An' dat one ole squeaky soun' to yo' jes' lak a ban'; Cotton britches look lak broadclof and a linsey dress look fine, When Angelina Johnson comes a-swingin' down de line. Some folks say dat dancin's sinful, an' de blessed Lawd, dey say, 66 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Gwine to punish us fu' steppin' w'en we hyeah de music Play. But I tell you I don' believe it, fu' de Lawd is wise an' good, An' he made de banjo metal, an' he made de fiddle wood, An' he made de music in dem, so I don't quite think he'll keer Ef our feet keeps time a little to de melodies we hyeah. W'y, dey's sump'n downright holy in de way our faces shine, When Angelina Johnson comes a-swingin' down de line. Agelina steps so gentle, Angelina bows so low, An' she lif huh skirt so dainty dat huh shoe-tops skacely show; An' dem teef o'huh'n a-shinin', ez she tak yo' by de nan' — Go way, people, d'ain't anothah sich a lady in de Ian'! When she's movin' thoo de figgers er a-dancin' by huhse'f. Folks jes' stan' stock still a-star'in', an' -Jey mos' nigh hoi's dey breff; An' de young mens, dey's a sayiti', "Ize gwine a-make dat damsel mine," When Angelina Johnson comes a-swingin' down de line. 67 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR DE MAIDEN OF DE AFERKIN BLEN\ By A. J. Aven. I is been much aroun' fer de purty gala ter see, An' dey seems jes as purty as dey eber orter be; But as putry as dey is, I w'u'd neber dem defen' 'G'inst de bu'ty cb de maiden ob de Aferkin blen'. Do' de gals goes ter school an' dey larns mighty fas', Do' dey knows eber lessun ob de books dat dey pass, Do' dey talks an' dey laughs wid de edicated men, Dey is nuttin' like de maiden cb de Aferkin blen*. "When de gals is a-singin' wid deir bery lebel bes', Den de young gemmen sho' ha? an achin' in de breV; Do' de singin' is de singin' all de people w'u'd ccmmen' It is nuttin' like de maiden's ob de Aferkin blen'. When de gals goes a-waltzin' at de big fancy ball, Den dey seems not a-techin' ob de slick flo' at all; Do' dey goes whulm' roun' wid a Greshun sorter ben', Dey is nuttin' like de maiden ob de Aferkin blen'. An' dey dresses mighty fine in de satin an' de lace, An' dey tries mighty hard wid de powder on deir face, Fer ter git de good attenshun ob do better iookin' men, But dey kyant beat de maiden ob de Aferkin blen'. When de gals goes a-ridin' wid a foot on eider side, Den dey looks mighty snipshus-like a-settin' on a-stride; Do, de ho'ses goes as fas' as de ho'ses whut y'u len', Dey kin neber pass de maiden's ob de Aferkin blen*. 68 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR When de wimmin goes ter meetln', all de shoutln' mighty loud, Fer de 'lljun whut dey gits is de 'Ujun ob de proud; Do* de shoutln' mos' as loud as de shoutin' ob de men, It Is nuttln' like de maiden's ob de Aferkin blen'. When de people all assembul fer ter put de dead away, An' dey's all mighty sad wid event ob sich a day, All de gals comes a-cryin' like deir hearts dey w'u'd ren', But it's nuttin' like de maiden's ob de Aferkin blen'. Now soon de time a-comin' fer de gittin' ob a wife, An' ter settle down ter libin' in de right sorter life; Dar is not a gal a-libin' on whut I kin depen', 'Cep' de honey colored maiden ob de Aferkin blen'. 69 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR DE PREACHER'S BREECHES Brown Bird Dar was a preacher in dis town; His equal neber could be foun', An' dose who eber heerd him preach, Declared he had an angel's speech. One day, de sun was shinin' hot, 'Till dar was not one shady spot; An' out upon de washin' line, Dat preacher hung his breeches fine. Dar was some hornets in de tree, Who thought de'yd come down fer to see What dat was in dem breeches fine, Dat he had hung out on de line. Dey hid dem selves right in de seat, An' Avent to sleep in dis retreat; Sow'en de preacher took dem down, He neber knew de harm, he'd foun'. De hornets sleep 'till Sunday mo'n, Until he put dem breeches on, An' took his place up in de stan', Er lookin' big an' awful gran'. He took his tex' an' 'gin to speak About de good way we should seek; 70 r ■ n © I O 9 c - 55 2 o 3 jo o NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR And while he warmed up on dat tex', Dem hornets got a little vexed. One slipped down on de preacher's leg, An' stabbed him wid his tiny peg; De udders marched 'roun' on de thigh — An' den dat preacher jump dis high! Oh frien', I couldn't help but laff! I lowed I'd split myself in naff To see dat preacher hold his pants, An' roll his eyes like he seed ha'nts. De elder speak wid all his lung: — "De word ob God am on my tongue, Behave myself? I guess I can't, Fer hell is burnin' in my pants." De parson jump, an' den he fell; De sisters 'gin ter faint and yell; De de'cons broke out to de do' An' lef de preacher on de flo'. 73 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR REPORTING THE SERMON JOSEPH S. COTTER. Heahed er sermon tudder night Frum de Reb'rent Rastus White. You wus dar? Don' I know dat? Seed you sportin' yo' new hat. Seed you lookin' 'roun' er-bout So's ter pick sum feller out, Whut wuz bol' er-nuff ter spy on De same gal you had yo' eye on. Reb'rent Rastus weahs er face Dat is alius sayin' grace. Reb'rent Rastus' veins ain't blue? Don' I know dat as well as you? An' I know no udder man Kin be foun' in all de Ian' Whut kin go frum de beginnin' Ter de en' ob all yo' sinnin'. Reb'rent Rastus tuk er tex', Couldn't tell whut would cum nex'? Dar you cum er-puttin' in. Darky, you speak up ergin An' my fist'll fin' er spot On yo' jaw an' keep it hot 74 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Till you l'arn ter know dat knowin' Ain't er thing ter be alius showin'. Whut's dis worl' er-comln' to Ef one cyarn't go right on through Wid er speech he's boun' ter make 'Stid ob stoppin' fer yo' sake? Now, I'se gwine ter tell you how — (Need't 'gin to scrape an' bow) Reb'rent Rastus sot us thinkin' — Take my boot-toe for dat blinkin'! Yes, he lead us all ter see Dis worl's full ob misery, An' ter spy de better Ian' — Whut you got dar in yo' han'? Dat's right, pardner, hoi' it up, Ain't you got er glass er cup? My taste's alius monstrus frisky When I sees Kaintucky whisky. Whar's de res' dat speech, you say? Brudder Rastus cumin' dis way, He kin make it bettern me, An' you's boun' ter wait and see, Kase I'se got dis bottle, pard, 75 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR An' I'se gwine ter strike it hard. Chunk me, chunk me all you please ter I'se got glory heah ter freeze ter. Gibe you sum? Jes! wait er bit. Maybe I mought habe er fit. Long's I keep my commod sense I'll not put on no pretense. I'll jes' drink until I rise Ter sum sort ob paradise. Rastus cumin'? B'liebe I'll bore him. Dar's de empty bottle 'fore him. Let us hide heah in dese weeds. Rastus. Rustus. show yo' deeds. Now he's lookin' on de groun', Now he's list'nin fer sum soun', Now he's hid it in his clothes, Now he's stuck it ter his nose, Now he smacks his lips an' shows dat He would like ter know whar mo's at. Thoo dat bottle held er drouf Rastus, yo' mus' hoi' yo' mouf. Ef you 'spouse de temp'rence cause, We's gwine be both jedge an' Jaws. 76 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOJ^ You's wid us? You better be. Cum right on an' let us see. Bress de Lawd fer dis chance meetin'. We's dun drunk. Now, let's ter eatin'. THE DEAD LINE A. J. Aven. I wus plowin, in de fiel', when I hyerd de Lo'd a-speakin', But I neber stopped a-plowin', do' de' Lo'd He kep' a seekin', An' de voice wus jes as plain, as a man a-stanin' by me, " 'Tis de heart as whut I wants, wont y'u', sinner, come an' try me?" But I turned de Lo'd away, kase I followed atter sin, Do de callin' wus so tender, yet my heart wus hard wid in. I wus young wid mighty power, an' I said I didn't need Im, Do He jes' kep' a-callm', yet I didn't stop ter heed Im; 77 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Do de stars is all de Ko'd's, whut He's holdin' in His han's, An' I seed 'em all a-movin', in accordunce wid His plans, Still I jes kep' a-fusin', an' I let Iin keep a-callin', An' I said its time enuff, when I sees my strength a-fallin'. Now de day is come at las', when I's feelin' old an' weak, Do I goes along a-wishin', yet I neber hears 'Im speak, An' I sorter tries fcer pray, but de answer neber comes, Tis as empty as de soun'in', frum de holler soun'- in' drums, An' I knows it all is ober, for I's passed de day uv grace, An' de Lo'd is gone away, an' foreber hid his face. Now my race is nearly obsr an' I dies widout my God, Do my body melts away for ter mingle wid de sod, Yet my soul will eber lib, in de darkness eber dwell, 78 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Wid de deble an' de sinners, in a sinner's burnin' hell, I wants ter warn de chilluns for to make de wiser choice, An' ter hearken to de scriptyers, an' ter hear de Master's voice. THE DON'T-CARE NEGRO JOSEPH S. COTTER. Neber min' whats in your cran'um So your collar's high an' true. Neber min' what's in your pocket So de blackin's on your shoe. Neber min' who keeps you comp'ny So he halfs up what he's tuk: Neber min' what way you's gwine So you's gwine away frum wuk. Neber min' de race's troubles So you profits by dem all. Neber min' your leader's stumblin' So you helps to mak' dem fall. Neber min' what's true to-morrow 79 HEOHO WIT AMD H U M © St So you libes a dream to-day. Neber min' what tax is levied So it's not on craps or play. Neber min' how hard you labors So you does it to de en' Dat de judge is boun' to sen' you An' your record to de "pen." Neber min' your manhood's risin' So you habe a way to stay it. Neber min' folks' good opinion So you had a way to slay it. Neber min' man's why an' wharfo' So de worl' is big an' roun'. Neber min' whar next you's gwine to So you's six foot under groun'. 80 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR POMP'S CASE ARGUED. DANIEL WEBSTER DAVIS Pomp stole dem breeches, an lowed't wont sin, 'Cause he stole de breeches to be baptized in; But I doubts dat, brudders, le s argify de case, Fur we can't hab de young lambs a -fallin' from grace. Ef de brudder is hongry, an er chicken on de roos' Sets at temptin' ub de saints, why't aint no use Pur de callin' ub er council, de case am plain, De chicken was de sinner and deserbs all de blame. But breeches is diffunt, an' stealin's mighty wrong 'Cause, yo' see, he moughter borrowed, sense his mem'ry ain't long, An' furgittin' to return urn, nobody could er say Dat he stole dem breeches, — 'tis clear as day. True, his moughter been busted, an' de seat to'ed out — Fur't is kinder strainin', dis leadin' ub de shout 81 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR But den, he could er patched 'em an' wid coat tails long Hab cut a lubly figger 'dout doin' any wrong. Maybe pride wuz de kashun — dar de debbil tempts to sin,— An' his bed-tick breeches wont good 'nuf fur him, But I moves to 'sclude him, caused he nebber had to ought, Ef he stole dem breeches, go an' git himself caught. S3 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR AUNT CHLOE'S LULLABY. DANIEL WEBSTER DAVIS Hesh! my babj', stop yer fuss, I's 'fraid you'se gettin' wuss an' wuss Doncher cry, an' I gwy make Mammy's baby 'lasses cake. Hesh! my lubly baby chile, I gwine rock yo' all de while, Nuffin gwine to ketch yo' now, 'Cause yer mammy watchin' yo' Sleep! my little baby, sleep! Mammy's baby, Lou! How dem dogs do bark tonight! Better shet yer eyes up tight! Dey can't have dis baby dear: Mammy's watchin', doncher tear. Hear dem owls a-hootin' so? Dey shant ketch dis baby, do', Jes' like mistis lub her chile, Mammy lubs her baby too. Sleep! my little baby, sleep! Mammy's baby, Lou! 83 NEORO WIS* AMD HUMOH Mammy's baby, black an' sweet, Jes like candy dat you eat, Mammy lay you in dis bed, While she mek de whi' folks' bread Angels dey gwy look below, Watch dis baby sleepin' so, Go to sleep, my honey, now, Aint yer mammy watchin' yo'? Sleep! my little baby, sleep! Mammy's baby, Lou! 84 fart Wcpctt Negro Folk Songs These songs, more commonly called planta- tion melodies, originated with the Negroes of the South during the days of slavery. They have been somewhat extensively collected and written about. Although there is connection in scale com- position and in spontaneity with original African music, the imagery and sentiments expressed by the songs are the results of the conditions under which the slaves lived in America. These songs have for the Negro the same value that the folk songs of any people have for that people. In the days of slavery they furnished an outlet for ach- ing hearts and anguished souls. Today they help to foster race pride and to remind the race of the "rock from which it was hewn." Some of these represented the lighter side of the slave's life, as for example, "Heave away! heave away' I'd rudder co't a yaller gal Dan wuk foh Henry Clay. Heave away! yaller gal, I want to go." or the following: 87 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR "Ole Massa take dat new brown coat, And hang it on de wall; Dat darkey take dat same ole coat, An' wear it to de ball. Oh, don't yo' hear my tru lub sing?" It was in their religious songs, however, that they poured out their souls. Three things are especially emphasized in these songs. First this life is full of sorrow and trouble: "Nobody knows de truble I sees, Nobody knows but Jesus:" Second, religion is the best thing in the world. It enables you, though a slave, to have joy of the soul, to endure the trials of this life, and finally gain a home in Heaven. Third, the future life is happy and eternal: "We'll walk dem golden streets, We'll walk dem golden streets, We'll walk dem golden streets, Whar pleasure nebber dies. Oh! I'se a-gwine to lib always, Oh! I'se a-gwine to lib always, Oh! I'se a-gwine to lib always, When I git over in de kingdom." 88 > 3 O a — ■ 3 z NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Swing Low Sweet Chariot 1. I looked over Jordon, and what did I see, Coming for to carry me home, A band of angels coming after me, Coming for to carry me home. Chorus. Swing low sweet chariot, Coming for to carry me home, Swing low sweet chariot, Coming for to carry me home. 2. If you get there before I do, Coming for to carry me home, Tell all my friends I'm coming too, Coming for to carry me home. 3. The brightest day that ever I saw, Coming for to carry me home, When Jesus washed my sins away, Coming for to carry me home. 4. I'm sometimes up and sometimes down, Coming for to carry me home, But still my soul feels heavenly bound, Coming for to carry me hoin*». 91 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Been A Listening 1. Some say that John the Baptist was nothing but a Jew, But the Holy Bible tells us he was a preacher too. Chorus. Been a listening all the night long, Been a listening all the night long, Been a listening all the night long, To hear some sinner pray. 2. Go read the third of Matthew, and read the chapter thro, It is the guide for Christians and tells them what to do. Keep Me From Sinking Down 1. I tell you what I mean to do: Keep me from sinking down, I mean to go to heaven too; Keep me from sinking down. Chorus. Oh Lord, oh my Lord, oh my good Lord Keep me from sinking down. 2. I look up yonder and what do I see; Keep me from sinking down, I see the angel beckoning to me; Keep me from sinking down. 92 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR 3. When I was a mourner, just like you, Keep me from sinking down: I mourned and mourned till I got through; Keep me from sinking down. 4. I bless the Lord I'm gwine to die; Keep me from sinking down, I'm gwine to Judgement by and by; Keep me from sinking down. Uncle Jim's Baptist Revival Hymn Sidney Lanier. Solo. Sin's Roosters crowed, Ole Mahster's riz, De sleepin'-time is pas', Wake up dem lazy Baptissis, Chorus. Dey's mightily in de grass, grass, Dey's mightily in de grass. Ole Mahster's blowed de mornin' horn, He's blowed a powerful bias', O Baptis' come, come hoe de corn, You's mightily in de grass, grass, You's mightly in de grass. De Meth'dis team's dune hitched: O fool, De day's a-breakin' fas'; 93 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Gear up clat lean ole Baptis' mule, Dey's mightily in de grass, grass, Dey's mightily in de grass. De workmen's few an' mons'rous slow, De cotton's sheddin' fas'; Whoop, look, jes' look at de Baptis' row, Hit's mightily in de grass, grass, Hit's mightily in the grass. De jay-bird squeal to de mockin'-bird step, Don' gimme none o' yo' sass; Better sing one song for de Baptis crop, Dey's mightily in de grass, grass, Dey's mightily in de grass. An' de ole crow croak: "Doan' work, no, no," But de fiel' lark say, "Yaas, yaas, An' I spec' yo' mighty glad, yo' debilish crow, Dat de Baptissi's in de grass, grass, Dat de Baptissi's in de grass." 94 N8QKQ W I 1 AND KUMOH Lord, thunder us up to de plowin'-match, Lord, peerten de hoein' las', Yea, Lord, hab mussey on de Baptis' patch, Dey's mightily in de grass, grass, Dey's mightily in de grass. 95 prt 3am Negro Folk Lore. A Negro Ghost Story. Down in one of the South Atlantic States in a remote, lonely, and dolesome spot three or four miles from city, town or village, stands an age-worn and weather-beaten log cabin which for miles around has long been famous as the birthplace and residence of all the ghosts in the neighborhood. This cabin was always a favorite topic of dis- cussion among the country fellows of that region, and often on hunting expeditions, when caught late far away from home, one of them would be tempted to lodge there for the night. Its ill fame, however, would send him plodding wearily on in search of a more comfortable abode. A few of the more daring had on certain occa- sions braved the situation and entered the cabin hoping to spend the night. Curiously enough, however, they were always frightened out of their senses about midnight by loud rumbling, and deep groans and lamentations; and very often with one shoe and no hat they would dart through the door, and in a very few minutes placing two or three miles between themselves and the famous log cabin. 99 Ni@»e WIT AH© HUM0H One of these unfortunates was once telling his experience to a number of friends, stating at the same time that he didn't believe there was a man under the sun who could stay in that cabin from darkness to daylight. "Yes dah is, too," said one of the listeners known as "Uncle Sam." "If you'll gib me fifty dollahs, a chunk o'bread, a f ryin' pan an' all de meat I kin fry an' eat, I'll stay dah, jes' as sho' as de wol' stan." Just for pleasure the party gave Uncle Sam all he asked, and he proceeded to take up his post for the night. He went alone, entered the build- ing, started a lire in the rude fireplace, and just before the time for the ghost to appear, which was usually about twelve o'clock, he put the pan on the fire and began to fry his meat. He then lit his pipe, took his seat, crossed his legs, and en- jo3 T ed the sweet smelling savor of that pig. Suddenly a small, black, formless being about the size of a common hare ran out on the hearth, spat across the frying pan into the fire beyond, then turned to Uncle Sam, and said, "There is nobody here but you and me to- night," 100 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Uncle Sam saw and he didn't see, he heard and he didn't hear. His eyes and thoughts were centered on the meat. The ghost turned and again spat in the fire, this time about an inch from the frying pan. This made Uncle Sam angry, and without the least thought of danger, he rushed at the little imp, saying, "Don't you spit in dat meat!" Then quick as a flash, the ghost kicked the pan of meat into the fire, gave Uncle Sam a clew between the eyes, again took his place on the hearth, and said, "There is nobody but you and me tonight." Poor Uncle Sam, trembling from head to foot rose from a dark corner of the room and said in a stammering voice, "I— I — I'll not be here long." He then, like his predecessors, made a line for the door and not a blade of grass grew under his feet. Birds Of 111 Omen. There is common to all southern bayous and creeks a small blue heron, known as the shypoke. It is ungainly, timid and 101 N B R iff JP HUHdl harmless. It has an infrequent cry that has something of the resonance of the bittern, though on a much weaker scale. This bird, which inhab- its the depths of swamps and flies above morasses the Negroes have invested with familiarity with the Evil One. To some of them it is known as the Devil's Doctor, and it is supposed to have a Satan- ic knowledge of the virtues of herbs. It never eats herbs, living entirely upon minnows and small frogs, yet it is supposed to take them when sick, and its gizzard and liver when dried and powered are taken as specifics for many com- plaints. Shypoke feathers are common orna- ments in Negro cabins, being held to bring good luck, and if the housewife can get a duster made of its wings she is happy. Another devil's. bird is the yellow hammer, the large, beautifully colored woodpecker of red, brown, and gold that is common in all southern forests. The yellow hammer is not a familiar like the jaybird, but it is believed to be under the pro- tection of Satan, and any man who slays it is marked out for special machinations on the part of the Prince of Darkness. He will be made ill, or may die. In any case, he will be so tempted that 102 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR he will be certain to fall and then punishment will follow. The yellow hammer builds in the hollows of trees and its eggs are richly marked; but little Negro boys who are habitual robbers of npsts, will not disturb its home. They are taught from their cradle that there is no surer way to evil for- tune. The purple grackle, which is a frequenter of barnyards and fond of the company of cows and horses, is looked upon with special aversion, and a Negro will waste an hour which should be devoted to work, endeavoring to force one of these birds to leave the premises and stay away. Mag- pies, starlings, and black martins are all objects of aversion. The magpie is disliked and believed to be an ill-luck bird as much because it is an irre- formable thief as because of its inky cloak. All of this crowd of flyers partake of the nature of the Evil One and are classed as among his subjects. On the contrary, red birds, cardinals, bluebirds* tanagers, many of the green vireos, and even (the awkward pink flamingo are viewed with pleasure, and their presence is welcomed about a cabin clearing. — Louisiana Folk-Lore. 103 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR The Cat Rabbit. This is a folk lore story reproduced by a class in Prof. J. S. Cotter's school, Louisville, Ky. The negro slave woman was a cook. She had a very strict mistress who told her to cook a rabbit. She told her to put it on the porch to re- main over night, and if it was gone the next morn- ing, which was Sunday, she would get a whipping- The cook put the rabbit on the porch that night and turned a pan over it. During the night the kitten ate the rabbit. "Well," said the slave to herself, "what shall I do? Oh, I know what I will do? I'll put a kitten in de place ob de rabbit." She prepared and cooked the kitten and wondered what the outcome would be. While the mistress was upstairs eating the cat rabbit, the cook was in the kitchen still thinking of the outcome. She said to herself: "Ef dat cat- rabbit fails ter be er rabbit, I'ze sho gwine ter git a lickin'." Just about this time the mistress called her. As the cook went to her mistress, she said: "Lawd dat woman dun diskivered de dif '- funce." 104 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR When she faced her mistress she smiled, limped around the table, straightened herself and said: "Ole Missus, heahs in- Her mistress said: "Look here Dinah, if you dont cook me another rabbit as well as this one I will whip you." "Yes Missus, I sho will," said Dinah. The Trick Bone of a Black Cat. Put ashes and water into a pot, set it over a fire and let it come to a boil. Have ready a black cat (not a strand of white hair on him) cut his head off, put him in the lye, and let boil until all the flesh has left the bones. Take out every bone. Wash them. Now for finding the luck bone; take up one bone, place it in your mouth, and ask your part- ner, "Do you see me?" If he says yes, you will have to try another, asking the same question every time. When you put the w itchy bone in your mouth he will say, kk I don't see you." Then take that bone, put it in your pocket and keep it there, and you can steal anything you want and no one will see you. In fact, you ran do any kind of trick you want, and no one will know it. 10.-) NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Another informant tells us that the lucky bone will rise to the top when the flesh has all boiled off from the bones. How to Conjure. Get grave-yard dirt and put it into the food or sprinkle it around the lot. It will cause heavy sickness. Put a file under the step and it will break peace forever, — even make a man leave his wife. Have a vial, put into it nails, red flannel, and whiskey. Put a cork in it, then stick nine pins in the cork. Bury this where the one you want to trick walks. Remedies to Cure Conjuration. If the pain is in your limbs, make a tea or bath of red pepper, into which put salt, and silver mone3 T . Rub freely, and the pain will leave you. If sick otherwise, you will have to get a root doctor, and he will boil roots, the names of which he knows, and silver, together, and the patient must drink freely of this, and he or she will get well. The king root of the forest is called "High John, the Conqueror." All believers quake when they see a bit of it in the hand of anyone. 106 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Tie a snake shed around your waist, and it will help you carry any point you wish. Tie red flannel strings around your ankles, knees, and arms, and it will keep off conjure. Also, wear silver money around your neck. A Word of Courtship. Gentleman: Lady, if you should see me coming down the road, hat sitting on three sprigs of hair, cigar in north cor- ner of my mouth, my coat tail arguing with the wind and my shoes crying judgement, what would be the consequence? Lady: My head is full of argument, My tongue is full of chat, Say, kind gentleman, can you tell me What's good for that? Why the Wren Does not Fly High. The eagle and the wren once had a contest as to who should be king of the air. At the time appointed for the trial of strength they began to soar, and whichever went the highest was to be king. After they had gone a few feet up, the wren placed herself on the back of the eagle, and she was so light that he did not know she was there. After the eagle had flown as high as he could go, 109 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR he called out: "Where are you, Mr. Wren?" Then the wren flew about six feet above him and an- swered, "I am the highest!" For her folsehood she was told she should always fly low. Brer Rabbit Beats Brer Fox. One day Brer Fox was hungry. As he wondered about the wood he saw a squirrel upon the branch of a tall tree. "Hello, Brer Squirrel!" he said, "Hello, Brer Fox!" replied the squirrel. Then said Brer Fox, "I once had a brother who could jump from limb to limb." "So can I," replied Brer Squirrel. "Let me see you," said the fox, so the squirrel jumped from limb to limb. "Brer Squirrel, I have a brother who can jump from tree to tree." "I can, too." So Brer Squirrel jumped from tree to tree. "Brer Squirrel, I had a brother who could jump from the top of a tall tree right into my arms." "I can, too," said the squirrel and he did. Brer Fox ate him all up. Brer Rabbit was lying in his bed near by, and saw all that was done. "Brer Fox," said he, " you a mighty smart man, but I had a brother 110 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR who could do something you can not do." "What was it?" said Brer Fox. "My brother could let anybody tie a Large rock around his neck, and jump off this bridge in- to the water and swim out." "So can I," said the fox. Then Brer Rabbit fixed the rock and the string, and Brer Fox jumped, but he has not been heard of since. A School Teacher's Experience. While teaching school in Cumberland Co.,Va., a num- ber of years ago I witnessed the following inci- dent: A young man, the son of the people with whom I was boarding, was engaged to a young woman of the neighborhood, and had given her a ring. For some reason the engagement was broken off and the ring returned. One morning, shortly after the "falling out" while we were at breakfast, a boy brought a little package, containing the ring, and attempted to hand it to the young man. His mother would not let him take it, but took it herself, saying the ring might be "fixed" and something bad would hap- pen to him. So she placed the ring in some kind 111 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR of black powders which she had, saying that after two weeks the ring would be all right and could not hurt him. Why the Crab has no Head. During cre- ation, when everything was getting heads, the crab was advised to go up and get one. He re- plied: — "It is time enough to get heads," so he swam around and idled away the time until when he did go up all the heads were gone. This is the cause of his being headless. Why there are Moles. Once upon a time there was a man whose wife was a witch, and he owned a grist mill. Every night the keeper would light his candle and read his Bible before retiring. After a few nights a cat would come in and get on the table and put out the light. Final- ly the mill-keeper became enraged and cut off the cat's left paw. The cat hurried out on three legs. The paw that had been cut off at once became a hand, upon which was a beautiful ring in which was engraved the name of the mill-owner's wife. The next morning the old keeper went to the house and requested to see the lady, without explaining his business. The husband objected, 112 NEORO WIT AND HUMOK saying that the lady was ill in bed. The man in- sisted, and did not want to give his reasons. The husband became enraged and began to make threats. Then the man drew from his pocket the hand and told the full story. The husband looked at the ring and knew it. Then he carried the man to his wife's chamber, and told her the man want- ed to see her. The old keeper wanted to shake her left hand, but she was bitterly opposed. Her husband was witness to the scene and she knew that he would not want her any more, so after they were gone she got up and began to plan for her departure. She ordered a boy to go to the store and bring two tin plates, but not set his tongue to them, if he did he would break her craft. The boy got the plates and did not fail to set his tongue to them. When he got home the witch took the plates, placed them to her sides, and be- came a bird. She took her flight, but after get- ting up a few rods in the air, the plates fell off, and she was left without wings. She fell to the ground and was smashed into bits. These bits became moles and burrowed in the ground. 113 N 1 § 1 © WIT ANB HUM OH Why Hens are Afraid of Owls. Once upon a time hens had dances every Saturday night. They employed Mr. Owl for a fiddler. He was always careful to go away before daylight that the hens might not see his big eyes. The last time he fiddled for them, daylight caught him, and when the hens beheld his eyes they were frightened into fits and all left the room squalling. Ever since then the hen can not even bear the shadow of an owl. The Snail's Smartness. A snail once undertook to cross the road. It took her seven years to accomplish this journey and just as she made the last move, clearing her from the wheel- track, a vehicle came along. "Oh!" she exclaimed. "What a grand thing it is to be quick!" 114 NEORO WIT AND HUMOR BLACK MAMMIES The following" article was written by T. W. Caskey, of Mississippi, for "Seventy Years In Dixie", in 1890, when he was an old man. This shows the estimation in which all "Black Mammies" were held by the white people of the South. The relationship between a child and its black mammy was both intimate and affectionate. Any Southern man would resent an injury to his old black mammy, as a personal insult, as long as he lived. Distinguished men of the old-time South never visited their old homes without ten- derly greeting the old slave whom they had known only as a mammy, early in childhood. It was no unusual thing for Congressmen and Sena- tors to sit on a rude stool in the old mammies log cabin, and listen with courteous patience, if not with deep interest, to her story of what had "been gwine on since you been left de ole place." My grandfather bought my old black mam- my, from a Massachusetts slave-ship, when she was only six years old. She was just from the dark continent then, and not a word of our lan- guage could she speak. She was about forty-live years of age when I was born. If there can be a feeling in the human heart stronger than a moth- er's love for her first born, that love burned in the 115 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR deepest depths of her passionate, African heart for me. Her skin was as black as night, but her heart was as pure as the virgin snow. I don't be- lieve she ever saw the day, when I was placed in her swarthy arms, when but a few hours old, to the day of her death, in my 18th year, that she would not have laid down her life for me. For her tender care and motherly love, and for the sleepless nights she passed in ministering to the wants and in trying to alleviate the pains of the poor, motherless little waif, I have never ceased to give her the unstinted devotion and adoration of a grateful heart. I love to linger upon the memory of that faithful old slave. Hers was the dusky hand that rocked my cradle. Often times tears from her loving eyes fell upon my baby face, as she soothed me, as she crooned me to sleep in the silent, and to me suffering hours of the night. In my melan- choly retrospections, I often think of her now, with tearful eyes and weary heart, and wonder whether she ever comes from her far-off home in the glory land, to watch over her old-time way- ward charge. Does her glorified spirit ever hover 116 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR about me now, with the old-time tenderness and love, and long to help my weary soul onward and upward to that better land? While strolling through a Southern forest one balmy evening in early spring, not many years ago, I came upon a lonely, dilapidated negro cabin nestling among the trees. To me it was a precious souvenir of the sweet long ago. The full moon, just rising, cast long, wavering shadows over the moss covered roof, and briers clung about the long deserted walls. Whippoor-wills chanted their lonely solo in the forest, a mocking- bird warbled his medley from the top of an oak, magnolias perfumed the air, and owls hooted dole- fully in the distance. To me, the whole scene was desolation, and, by contrast, reminded me of the blessed days gone by. And there, by that lonely cabin in the woods, I thought long and seri- ously of my old black mammy, and, amidst such environments, I went and prayed away some of the sorrows and burdens of my weary heart. • • And there, mid the stillness of nature, by her grave in the woods, I solemnly vowed to cher- ish her memory, to strive to imitate her love and 117 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR labors for the motherless and homeless suffering little ones of this sorrow blighted world, and to love and pray earnestly and constantly, while I live, for the amelioration of the sufferings of her down- trodden race. And here now, with all the earnestness of a loving, grateful heart, I delibe- rately record that vow, and seal it with a peniten- tial tear. RICHEST NEGRO CHURCH IN THE WORLD St. Philip's Protestant Episcopal Church of New York City has this distinction. It is an off- shoot of Trinity Protestant Episcopal Church, which is the richest white church in America. St. Philip's was organized in 1818 and incorpor- ated in 1820. Its real estate holdings, much of which is residence property, amount to about $1,000,000. Hi Omens, Good and Bad No worse "luck" can befall one than for a chicken or other animal to die in any ones hand. Many negroes believe that death will come to the man who transplants a cedar tree, when the lower limbs grow to the length of his coffin. Some look upon it as a sure sign of death to some one in the family, if an axe or any other out- door implement is carried through the house on the shoulder. It is considered "bad luck" to stop on the door sill on entering the house. "Blessed am de dead what de rain falls on." "When de cheer an' de table talk togedder, an' de do move in an' out, it am a sign ob trouble." It is considered bad luck to stump the left big toe against a stone or object, but good luck to stump the right one. 119 NEORO WIT AND HUMOR The greatest hoo-doo animal is considered to be the rabbit. If it crosses ones path, if they persist in continuing the journey, bad luck is sure to follow. If, however, the charm is in your possession when the journey is begun, it takes away the evil "influence" of the hoodoo animal. To plant sage seed is a sure sign of daath or severe sickness to one of the family. The old-time negroes believed that to wear a coat wrong side out would keep off, or protect them from the Jack- o' -Lantern. They thought that the negro caught by one would be ridden by it till morning. It is considered good luck to see two birds sitting side by side on the limb of a tree. A weeping willow tree is considered a "hoo- doo" tree, and a foreboder of bad luck. It is considered bad luck to hold the leaf of a witch-hazel in the hand. It is a hoo-doo leaf. I gave an old negro woman a peach tree to set out in her garden, and she said: "I won't say 120 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR thank you for it for it is bad luck to say thank you for any green shrub which you are going to set out." Old Sayings You need not try to pull the black out of my eyes. Don't make a bridge of my nose. Sooner war, sooner peace. That is a dead pig, and no water hot. A still son sucks the wash. You gave me a stick to crack your own head with. It is no sign of a duck's nest to see feathers in the fence. Be pig or pup. You need not measure my corn in your half bushel, it will not hold out. 121 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Mammy trot, daddy trot, colt trot. A still tongue makes a wise head. Night has no eyes. Stand to the rack, fodder or no fodder. When one has married wealth, it is said : "She jumped in a pot of grease." When one has plenty, they say, "His pot boils strong." Don'ts The following superstitions were found current in Tidewater, Virginia. Don't leave the griddle on the fire after the bread is done; it will make bread scarce. Don't wash the inside of a baby's hand; you will wash his luck away. Don't sweep dirt out of the door at night; you will sweep yourself out of a home. 122 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Don't step over anybody's leg; it will turn to a stick of wood. Don't comb your hair at night; it will make you forgetful. Don't be the first to drive a hearse; or you will be the next to die. Don't make any new garment for the sick; it will make them die. Don't shake the tablecloth out of doors after sunset; you will never marry. Don't sweep a person's feet, it will make him lazy. So will hitting him with a straw. Don't whip the child who burns another. If you do, the burnt child will die. Don't measure yourself; it will make you die. Don't lend or borrow salt or pepper; it will break friendship. If you must borrow it, don't pay it back. 128 NEGRO WIT AND HUMOR Don't kill a wren; it will cause your limbs to get broken. Don't pass anything over a person's back; it will give hi in pains. Don't pour out tea before putting sugar in the cup, or some one will be drowned. Some say it will drown the miller. Don't kill cats, dogs, or frogs; you will die in rags. Don't move cats, if you do, you will die a beggar. Don't meet a corpse, or you will get very sick before the year is out. Don't point at or speak of a shooting star. Don't count the teeth of a comb; they will all break out. Don't lock your hands over your head. 124 Neal and his 'Black Mammy." ILLUSTRATIONS "A Mississippi Chocolate Drop." Frontispiece. "In De Fall ob De Yeah" - 17 A Block of Negro Property 35 The Southern Bank, Jackson, Miss. - 53 Largest Negro Church in the World, Mont- gomery, Alabama - 71 An Old Time Negro Cabin 89 * A Modern Negro Home - 107 Neal and His Black Mammy 125 INDEX A Foreword 5 Introduction ...... 7 Negro Synonyms 9 Interrupting the Service - 10 A Hoo Doo Tree - 10 Must Prove the Case - - - 10 Part of a Prayer ... - n A Whopping Base Singer - 11 "De Chariots ob De Lawd" - 11 Looking For Somewhar To Go - 12 Not Scared But Uncomfortable 12 Creation 13 The Protracted Meeting - 13 An Early Call - - 14 Not Too Intimate 14 Charge of Vagrancy - - - - 14 A Preacher Set Back - - - 15 How Superstition Helps - - - 16 • Ready in An Emergency - - - 17 Two Purchasers For One H - 20 A. New Definition of Baptism 21 129 INDEX In the Police Court .... 22 Correcting a Statement ... 22 Nob Goin' Nowhar ... - 23 The Tagged Dog 23 The Negro a Fine Collector - - 24 Forgiving One Another - - - 25 Hunting a Job 26 Number Negro Colleges in U. S. - - 26 The Geese Not a Barrier 27 De Animal Conferance ... - 27 Making It Emphatic .... 28 The Nacher'l Way 28 He Forgot the Name .... 29 The Negro and Honesty - 29 Fluctuating Membership ... 30 The Devil in a Printing Office . . 31 Too Many Societies .... 31 Equal to Any Emergency . . . 32 Hard On Written Sermons . . 33 "Kotched Him Wid De Hoss" . . 34 No Race Suicide Here .... 37 Go Away Grammar . . 38 He Didn't Want That Run 39 What Is Prayed For .... 40 Another High Up In Life ... 41 130 i .n . D B X "Sin Killer" Griffin 42 And Another One 44 High Sounding Distinction 45 He Had Only Two Gaits 45 u Not Er'zackly Enuff." 46 Campaign Illustration . 46 Tne Evangelist's Experience 47 "Dat Mule" . . . . 48 Going Some 49 Money Wanted 50 Words and Work .... 50 Able to Deceive the Elect 50 The Southerner and The Negro 52 "Disremernberin' De Tex' " 55 Date of Abolition in Different Countries i n America 57 Negro Proverb .... 57 Negro Love Song .... 61 Uncle Ruben's Reflections 62 Angelina 66 De Maiden ob De Aferkin Blen' 68 De Preachers Breeches , 70 Reporting the Sermon . , 74 The Dead Line .... 77 The Don't Care Negro 79 131 Pomp's Case Argued Aunt Chloe's Lullaby Negro Folk Song Swing Low Sweet Chariot Been a Listening Keep Me From Sinking Down Uncle Jim's Baptist Revival Hymn Negro Folk Lore Birds Of 111 Omen The Cat Rabbit The Trick Bone Of A Black Cat How To Conjure Remedies To Cure Conjuration A Word Of Courtship Why The Wren Dees Not Fly High Brer Rabbit Beats Brer Fox A School Teacher's Experience Why The Crab Has No Head Why There Are Moles Why Hens Are Afraid Of Owls The Snail's Smartness Black Mammies Richest Negro Church In The World Omens, Good And Bad Old Sayings Don'ts .... List of Illustrations 'Index 81 83 87 91 92 92 93 99 101 104 105 106 105 109 109 110 111 112 112 111 114 115 118 119 121 122 127 132 132 Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide Treatment Date: Dec. 200" PreservationTechnologies A WORLD LEADER IK COLLECTIONS PRESEK 111 Thomson Park Dnve Cranberry Township. FA 16066 (724)779-2111