3511 t6 D3 .5 »y 1 • > International Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and nited States) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors No. 316 A DAKOTA WIDOW A Comedy in One Act GRACE LIVINGSTON FURNISS C'')i^Ki(iHT. U)15, HV !?AML'KL FKKNC'H PRICE 25 CENTS New York SAMUEL FRENCH PUBLISHER 28-30 WEST 3Sth STREET London SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 26 Southampton Street STRAND A DAKOTA WIDOW A Comedy in One Act HY GRACE LIVINGSTON FURNISS CoPYRKiHT, 1915, BY SAMUEL FKENCH New York SAMUEL FRENCH PUBLISHER 28-30 WEST 38th Street London SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 26 Southampton Street, STRAND A DAKOTA WIDOW. CHARACTERS. Robert Dacre Mrs. Robert Dache. .. .His wife — or, " -ividcnv'" (vATY T//r/r inaid Time: — The present. Scene: — Dra:vi}i(/ room in Hieir apartment. g)CI.D 426HG m -61916 A DAKOTA WIDO ACT I. Scene : — Drazving room in. aparinient with en- trance from hall r. 3c/ e:^ Entrance from dining room etc. rear. Furniture modern and handsome. Small table doivn c. ivith desk telephone on it, chairs either side. Eight bouquets zvith cards on table, desk, or mantel. DISCOVERED:—^/ rise, Katy the -maid, enter- ing c, her arms full of evening papers. Tele- phone rings, she runs to table, drops papers on it, sits right, anszuering telephone. Katy. Hello! Yes, this is 5250 38th St. No, j\Irs. Dacre isn't got back from Dakota yet. I'm Katy, her maid. What? Say, who are you, any- way ? " The Daily News ? " Oh, a reporter ! (Listens) If I'll tell you what she got the divorce for you'll give me twenty-five dollars. Well, what do you think of that! W^ould I like it? Sure, sure! (Listens smiling) That's all right, but I don't knov/. Oh, on the level, I don't. I've been offered twice that by the other papers, but I couldn't tell 'em 'cause I didn't know. Hey? No, j\Ir. Dacre don't drink. (Listens) No, I don't be- lieve he does — well, it might have been a woman. They had an awful row last May — My ! It was something fierce. Then she packs off to Dakota, he stays here and now all the papers is full of the Dacre Divorce. (Listois) No, I ain't kidding you. I don't know. She's coming back herself to- 4 A DAKOTA WIDOW. morror and if I can get it out of her I'll tell you — - (Bells rings) There goes that bell again. Call me up later and I'll make a date with you. (Exits. Runs out E. Mumur of voices. She re-enters carrying a travelling hag and wraps follozved by Mrs. Dacre, a young and pretty tvoman) Mrs. Dacre. Good gracious ! How close it is ! How dusty ! I can't understand why you didn't get my wire, Katy. (Removes her hat and gloves) Katy. Oh, I did ma'am, but you says, " Expect me to-morrow." Mrs. Dacre. (Impatiently) W^ell, to-day is to- morrow. Katy. (Ama.zed) To-day is to-morrow? Mrs. Dacre. I wired yesterday from Chicago. Katy. Well, what do you think of that ! Mrs. Dacre. It is of no consequence. It would be a forlorn home-coming, anyway. (Throws her- self on sofa) Tell cook to get up a nice little din- ner at five. Katy. Law\s, ma'am. Cook was married last week. Mrs. Dacre. Married ! Katy. (Giggling) Yes, ma'am. And if you please, I'm sure I hope it won't inconvenience you, I'm going to get married to-night. Mrs. Dacre. (Much dismayed) Leave me all alone ! Oh, Katy, this is the last straw. Katy. I'm awfully sorry, ma'am. But Jim couldn't wait. He has to go down to Montauck to see about some cows and a — a friend offered to lend him a house, so he said we might as well do it all up in the one slop. Mrs. Dacre. And you expect me to stay here alone ? Katy. My sister's coming to-night, ma'am, and will stay till I get back. I didn't like to engage a new cook and Mr. Dacre, he wouldn't. He said he didn't care a damn what happened after he left. A DAKOTA WIDOW. 5 ]\Irs. Dacre. Very thoughfiil of him, I am sure. By the bye, when did Mv. Dacre leave? Katy. (Embarrassed) Well, you see, we didn't expect you till to-morrow, so the truth is he ain't gone yet ? AIrs. Dacre.' (Springing tip) Not gone? Call a cab! (Putting on her hat) And you let me come in ? Call a cab ! Don't you know we are divorced ? Call a cab ! I'll go to a hotel. Will you call a cab? I'd rather die than meet him here. Katy. (Assisting her) Take off your hat, ma'am. Master's off yatching till to-morrow, and his things is all packed. Laws ! You're all of a tremble. I don't believe that Dakota is a healthy place. Mrs. Dacre. (Sitting by table) The most aw- ful hole you ever saw, Katy. And the people, the women who were there getting grounds for di- vorces ; perfectly inexpressible. Katy. And, if I may be so bold, ma'am, what was the ground for your divorce? ]\Irs. Dacre. Dakota. Ground enough, isn't it? You'd think so I guess if you'd had to camp out in Sioux City for six months to prove that your hus- band had deserted you. (Telephone rings. She takes it up) Katy. Well, what do you think of that ? AIrs. Dacre. (To 'phone) Hello! Yes, this is 5250 38th St. Who are you? " Alorning Ex- press, uptown office." You want " to talk to Mrs. Dacre." Impossible. No; she's not home, she's gone to er — Japan. I am the cook — er the cook. No — no ! You can't come up and see' me. I don't know anything about her divorce. (Listens, grow- ing more and more disgusted) Indeed, I won't! Ring off! Ring off! (Hangs up receiver, rises) The wretch wanted to come up and buy one of my pictiu'es. Katy. They've all been after me. livery paper 6 A DAKOTA WIDOW. in town has one. You couldn't be more talked of if you'd committed a murder, or stolen a baby. ]\Irs. Dacre. {Taking up visiting cards) " Mrs. Wilbur, Mrs. Peck, Mr. William Winchell " — when were these left Katy? Katy. (Giving her note and roses) Just now. They've went upstairs to Mrs. Van Dusen's recep- tion. Shall I telephone up that you've come? Mrs. Dacre. {Opening and reading note) No, indeed. I'm in no mood to be stared at as if I was a wild beast. {Reading) Will I go to Newport with a few of " our own j^articulars " Llrs. Peck." I despise her. " Henry Crapo " — well — he's only stupid. Willie Winchell, a tiresome boy. And " Stuart Vane "— " Stuart Vane." Katy. There's a boucjuet from Mr. Vane, ma'am. He brought it himself. {As Mrs. Dacre takes up floivers and reads card, smiling) The papers said you was coming to-day, ma'am, so all your society friends called and left flowers and it's been just like a wedding reception. Mrs. Dacre. I can imagine it. All frantic with curiosity to know just how it all happened and wring the details out of me. Katy. They even tried to pump me, ma'am. Such questions ! And such guesses — I couldn't say nothing of course 'cepting that drink wasn't the cause. Mrs. Dacre. I could have borne sprees or gambling or even a blow, but to believe that he pre- ferred this female serpent, this bold flaunting cat to me — oh 'twas too much. Katy. It ivas a woman, then. Laws. I'd like to know what INIr. Dacre wants when you don't fill the bill. Mrs. Dacre. {Opening her hag) He wanted a novelty — a wafe grows monotonous so he took a widow. {Takes out letter) Katy". I can't think it of him, ma'am. A DAKOTA WIDOW. 7 Mrs. Dacre. (Opening letter) You shall hear for yourself. You have lived with us all our married life — Listen. (Reads) " Dear Bob : I've seen the Widow and tell you she's the girl for me. I thought you an awful fool to throw your money away on her, but now that I've seen the beauty, am kicking myself to think that you got ahead of me. She's a great find, my boy, great. But you always did have luck. By the way some Richmond fellows are here pretending to hunt, but between you and nie it's the widow they're hunting. So you'd better run down, don't you think ? Yours. Dick Stanley." (Throivs letter hack in bag) Katy. Throwing his money away on a widow? Well, what do you think of it. What do you think of that? Mrs. Dacre. (Going to glass) Do stop saying what do you "think of that — Ah, don't mind if I am cross. I'm so unhappy. (Looks at herself pen- sively) However, that is of no consequence as long as Mr. Dacre is happy. Katy. Him happy! don't think it, ma'am. Why, he went all to pieces when the lawyer come up to tell him the divorce was got. Mrs. Dacre. (Turning) He did? What did he do, Katy? Katy. (Embarrassed) Why — ahem! — Well, the plain truth is he just went and got the most beautiful load on as you ever see. Mrs. Dacre. How like a man ! Katy. I couldn't blame him, ma'am, his heart was broke on him. Mrs. Dacre. I am glad of it, exceedingly glad. ]\Iy life lays in ruins at his feet ; my home is wa-ecked, my ideal dead forever. (Tragically) I 8 A DAKOTA WIDOW. am like a vine torn from its trellis and floating in the wind of destiny. No hope, no support — — Katy. No support ! Sure, I thought you got a thumping big alimony. Mrs. Dacre. (Scornfully) Alimony! (Goes itp speaking) Alimony! {Turns in door c.) Alimony ! Yes, I get alimony and the widow gets all the rest. (Exits) Katy. (Running to 'phone) Well, what do you think of that ! And the Judge give her three hundred a week. (Calling up) Get me the " Daily News " quick. (Bob Dacre enters r. e. She jumps up in alarm. He zvears yatching suit, seems very impatient but not disagreeable) Laws, Mr, Dacre. I thought you was out yatching. Dacre. There's a big storm brewing so we had to put back. It doesn't matter, I'll finish packing and cut this to-night. (Flings his cap and mack- intosh dozvn) Get me an early dinner — I've de- cided to run over to London and shall sleep on board ship to-night. Katy. What do you think of that? Yesterday you was going to Florida. Dacre. I changed my mind. I'm a bit off color ; can't eat — can't sleep. Oh, by Jove, who brought those damned papers in here? Katy. Me, sir. I thought you'd like to see them, Dacre. Oh, I do. I haven't seen so many bad pictures of myself since I was captain of the foot- ball team. Every man on the L. road had a paper and was reading about " The Dacre Divorce." Katy, W' hat do you think of that ? Dacre. Oh, cut what do you think of that, will you? Haven't you any English, or brains or sense of your own ? When I come in here a desperate, hunted, misrepresented man to stand distracted in the ruins of my wrecked home, can't you find any- A DAKOTA WIDOW. 9 thing better to say than what do you think of that ? What the devil do you 'spose I think? Katy. {In tears) Laws sir, I was just trying to express my sympathy. Dacre. I'll take it in the form of a chop, thank you, and some ale. Now, don't tell me that cook is married, because I know it. Don't tell me you can't cook because I know that. Katy. I can cook as well as any woman alive sir, but I thought you'd rather have a roast Dacre. The newspapers have given me roast enough for one day. Katy. (Pausing in door) Oh, if you please, sir. There's something I — I think I ought to sort of break gently to you — something about Mrs. Dacre. Dacre. Break nothing. Mrs. Dacre is nothing to me now. Katy. Well, what do you think of that? (Exits c.) Dacre. (Lighting pipe) That's the beauty of an old and faithful servant ; they know all your business and if you haven't got any business they make some. ('Opening Mrs. Dacre's bag) By Jove, the less I hear about Mrs. Dacre the better. I'm a free lance now, one of the boys again — I wonder what I packed anyhow. I was in such a dream of misery I hardly knew what to leave and what to take. (Opening Dick Stanley's letter) An old letter from Stanley. What the dickens did I keep that for? By George, the identical letter that broke up my happy home. > Humph! He's damn funny about the widow. (Flings letter dotvn) Well, Ethel had no business to read my note ; having read it she had no right to believe it. (Pnts'his hand in bag, draivs out a pink undervest, stares at it amazed) What the deuce is this? (Takes out curling tongs and pair of French dress- ing slippers. Mrs. Dacre appears in door, stands 10 A DAKOTA WIDOW. zvatching Jiiin, startled but amused. He takes out sachet case, smells it sentimentally) Violet — just like Ethel, everything she wore always wafted that faint suggestion of violets. Bah ! ( Tosses it dozvn angrily, takes out pair of stays, gases at them as- tounded) Well, I wish someone would kindly tell me whose bag this is and where the dickens I got it. Mrs. Dacre. {Coming forward) It is mine. Dacre. Ethel ! (Hesitates, then speaks hur- riedly) Ethel, I've no right to be here, I know, but your wire said " to-morrow." Mrs. Dacre. Pray, don't apologize. I will go to a hotel. (Replacing things in bag) Will you kindly call a cab? Dacre. Nonsense ! I am the one to leave. I'm horribly sorry I rumpled up your bag, but I thought it was mine. Mrs. Dacre. (Holding up stays) A very nat- ural mistake. Dacre. (Holding up letter) Not unnatural when the first thing I struck was Stanley's letter. IVIrs. Dacre. I kept it for evidence. Dacre. Let me return it then. IMrs. Dacre. Oh, it's not necessary now, thank you. But had you entered the slightest objection to the divorce I intended to drag that shameless woman into court. Dacre. (Sarcastically) The widow? Mrs. Dacre. The widow. Oh, I can picture the style of widow she is. Dacre. Don't be too crushing; you're a pretty little v.'idow yourself, now. Mrs. Dacre. (Taking up 'phone) How manly to taunt me with it. (Speaking in 'phone) 1102 Columbus. • Dacre. You'll have to get used to the idea. By Jove, it's rather piquant chatting with one's own widow. May I smoke? A DAKOTA V;n)OW. II Mrs. Dacre. Anything yon like. I am going to a hotel. (Speaking in 'phone) Is this the New York Cab Co. I am Mrs. Dacre, send up a coupe at once ; at once. Dacre. (Taking 'pJionc froin her hand) Wait a bit. (Speaking in 'phone) Plello ! Cab Co. Never mind the coupe. Mrs. Dacre has changed her mind. (Ri)igs off, lights cigar) Mrs. Dacre. I have not changed my mind. It's not at all proper for me to be here with you. Dacre. (Rising) Oh, I am going. Pardon me if I seem to linger. The fact is I never thought we'd meet again, so before wq part forever, I'd like to hold a little post mortem on our dead happiness. Mrs. Dacre. (Nervously) There is no use in looking back. We are divorced now. Dacre. (Suavely) I am not. I took you for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish until death did us part — and by Jove ! a little two-cent Dakota law doesn't alter the situation at all to my mind. Once a married man always a married man, is my motto. Mrs. Dacre. Well, I can assure you that a little two-cent wedding ceremony doesn't bind me. I am divorced— free — a single woman again. No longer half of you, but all myself. (Telephone rings, she seises if, listens) Yes. No, Mrs. Dacre has not arrived yet. Am I Katy? Er — Oh. yes, yes, I am Katy. Was I talking to you half an hour ago? Er — yes, yes. Do I know the cause of the divorce yet ? Dacre. Tell him, her, or it, that that's what no fellow can find out. Mrs. Dacre. No. I don't know. Oh, certainly I'll remember. Good-bye. (Rings off — To Dacre) That was a reporter on " The Daily News " and Katy has agreed to take twenty-five dollars and tell him the reason for our divorce. Dacre. I'll give her a hundred if she'll tell me. 12 A DAKOTA WIDOW. Mrs. Dacre. Mr. Stanley's revelation about the widow would be enough for most people. Dacre. I offered to explain, but you wouldn't have it — you tried, condemned and executed me un- heard. Mrs. Dacre. Oh, no, I didn't. You said you would explain if I apologized for opening your letter. Of course I wouldn't — you were away — {With a sarcastic emphasis) on business. I thought possibly I would have to wire the contents of the letter to you, so I opened it. Any woman would have done the same in my place. Dacre. A woman has no right to read her hus- bands letters. Mrs. Dacre. Yes, she has. One heart, one soul, one mail. Dacre. Nonsense ! You might as well say one toothbrush and one pair of shoes. Mrs. Dacre. Well, I don't care ; I'd do it again. Dacre. Then it's still a dead lock. By Jove ! I'd not have believed a woman could be perverse and obstinate enough to wreck her home rather than apologize to her husband. , Mrs. Dacre. (Rising) I haven't any husband now. By the bye, since you are here we'd better arrange about the furniture. Where shall I send it ? It is all yours of course. Dacre. Not at all. With all my vv^orldly goods I did thee endow. Help yourself. Mrs. Dacre. Don't be ridiculous. There must be many things here that you would like to keep. Dacre. (With meaning) Only one — (Bends toivards her tvith sentimental air) and that one Katy. (Entering boisterously zvith tray) Here's your chops, sir. Laws ! If you ain't made up. Ah, I knew it would come right if you only got to- gether Mrs. Dacre. Leave the room ! Dacre. Leave the house ! A DAKOTA WIDOW. 13 Katy. What for? Dacre. You've been peddling our private affairs to the papers. Don't deny it. We got the evidence hot off the 'phone from the " Daily News." ^ Katy. (Seftiug tray on fable) Sure, I was just playing tag with that feller. Mrs. Dacre. Don't put those chops under my nose. Don't you know that I loathe chops ? Dacre. Of course she does. What the deuce do you mean by serving chops. Is there nothing else in the house? Katy. (Taking iray, sobbing) There's a c-c- chicken. Dacre. Cook it then and make some tea and er — jelly cake — and eclairs — and er — ice cream and angel's food or anything else fit for a lady to eat. Katy. Yes, sir. (Exits) ]\Irs. Dacre. It really doesn't matter, I' am going to a hotel. Dacre. No, you're not. I'll take myself off, by George. It's raining ! Pouring ! AIrs. Dacre. So it is. Oh, you must wait until it stops — I insist. Dacre. Thanks. (Sits) Now, if it would only rain forty days and forty nights, it would suit my book exactly. Shall we resume our little discus- sion Mrs. Dacre. The divorce settles every discus- sion and all possibility of marital discussions, thank goodness. (Rising, goes to mantel) But pray name the one thing you v/ished to keep. Dacre. You still refuse to apologize? Mrs. Dacre. Decidedly, Dacre. Then I will leave you mistress of all you survey. (Telephone rings; he takes it up) Par- don me. Hello ! Yes. Why, is this you Dick ? (To Mrs. Dacre) Dick Stanley. Just back from London. 14 A DAKOTA WIDOW. ]\Irs. Dacre. Tell him to give my love to the Avidow. (Tosses her neck chain to and fro, pet- tishly, stands watching Dacre) Dacre. (Telephoning) Yes, it's all over. You saw the papers. Why didn't I defend myself ? My dear boy, I wouldn't condescend — the whole thing v/as too beastly ridiculous. What ? Oh ! There wasn't any cause. (Listens) That's right, case of temper. No, there wasn't, either — Mrs. Dacre never was a flirt. No, there was no man in the case — What ! Say that again will you ? (Listens intently, evidently excited) Mrs. Dacre. If that man is telling you any scandal about me ! Dacre. Ssh ! (Listens, then sighs) Well, of course. I'm the last man in the world to know about my wife's lover. Mrs. Dacre. If he dares to say! Dacre. Ssh ! All right, I'll meet you at the Club at seven. Good-l3ye. (Rings off, lights cigar, looking at Mrs. Dacre zvlth sarcasm) Mrs. Dacre. (Going to him) I insist upon knowing what Dick Stanley said about me. (Makes business of tossing her chain, playing zvlth locket) Dacre. IMerely that the Club gossips said you were about to marry again. Mrs. Dacre. There is no reason why I should not. Dacre. If you are asked. Mrs. Dacre. (Listantly nettled) I suppose you think no one would wish to marry me after I'd been your wife for six years. Dacre. (Teasing her) On the contrary, I be- lieve that the careful work I bestowed on remaking your character, correcting your thoughts and form- ing your mind — added to your own natural charm — has made you irresistible. A DAKOTA WIDOW. 15 Mrs. Dacre. I wasn't quite a fool when I mar- ried you. Dacre. No? I thought that was the reason you married me— you said so. Mrs. Dacre. The woman who loves is a fool to that extent. But I am cured now. Dacre. By that universal panacea — another man ! Ah, you blush. Stanley is right. Mrs. Dacre. ( Agitated) No, no. (Clutches locket in her hand) Dacre. W'hat are you hiding that locket for? Is his idolized face in it? Mrs. Dacre. Nonsense ! It's empty. Dacre. (Rising) Let me see for myself. Mrs. Dacre. (Retreating, Jwlding locket be- hind her) No — oh, you're not my husband, now, remember. Dacre. (FoUozving) A very good reason for doing what I ask. Mrs. Dacre. Really, there's nothing to see. It's just a trifle I picked up in Chicago. Dacre. I don't care whether you picked him up in Chicago or here — a rival is no trifle. ]Mrs. Dacre. Fiddle ! I meant the locket. Dacre. I mean the man in the locket. Ah, you look down — you are confused. Mrs. Dacre. (Mischievously) Oh, well ; if you have a widovv^ why shouldn't I console myself with a widower? Dacre. By Jove! A widower? I should think you'd prefer more romance and less experience. Mrs. Dacre. Careful ! You're a widower your- self now. Dacre. Not a bit of it. ]\Iy wife has taken leave of her senses, but she is still my wife. jMrs. Dacre. The law Dacr,e. (Impetuously) Hang the law! Ah Ethel, it is not too late i6 A DAKOTA WIDOW. Katy. (Bursling in ivifJi tray) Here's your chicken. Dacre. Damn the chicken. Mrs. Dacre. Take it away, and next time you come in knock. Katy. Sure Dacre. Leave the room. (As Katy retires azve-struck) Jove ! I don't see how we endured that woman for six years. Mrs. Dacre. She was our first maid and one grows attached to a first anything-. Dacre. Except a first husband. Mrs. Dacre. Or a first wife. Please to remem- ber that I was a happy woman when that odious letter destroyed my home. Ah, well, marriage is a delusion. Dacre. There's nothing the matter with mar- riage. Just remember hovv^ serene v/e were when there was only one mind in this household. • Mrs. Dacre. And that mind yours. I never really thought an independent thought, until I started for Sioux City. It was always you, you, you. Dacre. Oh, no, it wasn't. You were a changed w^oman from the day you became President of the Dry Weather Club and learned to argue. Mrs. Dacre. I never argued with you. Dacre. You were never home long enough^ honey. Mrs. Dacre. Don't call me honey. Dacre. All right, honey. Mrs. Dacre. There you go again. (Tosses her chain out angrily. It strikes manel, locket falls off; she hastily stoops to get it) Dacre. (Going to assist her) You've lost your locket. Mrs. Dacre. (Covering it zuitJi her foot) It rolled under that chair over there, under the left lesr. A DAKOTA WIDOW. 17 Dacre. {Pointing) I saw it go under the right foot. {SJic shakes her head obstinately) My dear girl, I saw you step on it. You must be desperately afraid I'll find out your little secret. {Returns to table) jMrs. Dacbe. I have a right to marry again. Dacre. I don't see it. Look here. Let's strike a bargain. Show me the picture of the donkey you love and I'll tell you the truth about the widow. Mrs. Dacre. I do believe you are jealous— jeal- ous. Ha, ha ! The widow must be an idiot if she can't hold on to your heart after wrecking your home to get it. Dacre. Hang the widow ! I have never said that I had ceased to love you. Mrs. Dacre. Indeed ! How many women can a man love at once. Dacre. {Promptly) Two without crowding, and three at a pinch. Mrs. Dacre. You ought to be a Mormon. Dacre. Oh, there's only one wife in the world for me. Aren't you tired of standing ? Mrs. Dacre. Not at all ; it rests me. Dacre. {As telephone rings) I'll get her off of that if I have to blow the house up. {Speaking in telephone) Hello! Yes, yes. The deuce! Wait a moment and I'll ask her. {To Mrs. Dacre in perfect matter-of-fact tone) Will you consider an oft'er to go into vaudeville at $1000 a week? Mrs. Dacre. {Astounded) What! Dacre. Will you consider an offer to go into vaudeville at $1000 a week? Mrs. Dacre. What for? Dacre. For $1000 a week, I presume. Mrs. Dacre. Don't be silly. They must mean someone else. Dacre. {Speaking in 'ph.one) j\Irs. Dacre doesn't seem to understand your proposition ; she is not an actress, you know. " That wouldn't make i8 A DAKOTA WIDOW. any difference. She'd draw on her notoriety." (Listens) "Oh, you think so," do you? Con- found your impudence. I'll drop in and punch your head if you say anything like that again. Mrs. Dacre. What did he say, Bob — Mr. Dacre ? Dacre. Never mind. (To 'phone') Yes, I will — I'm a — a connection by marriage to Mrs. Dacre and qualified to speak and act for her. Oh, you go to the devil. (Rings off, rises, sticks hands in his pockets, paces up and dozvn moodily) Mrs. Dacre. What did he say? Dacre. The usual infernal impudence bestowed on women in your position. You'll have to get used to that. Mrs. Dacre. Well, I don't care. Any woman of spirit would have done the same in my place. Dacre. (Sitting by table) Come over here and I'll tell you about the one thing I want to take with me. AIrs. Dacre. I can hear over here. Dacre. Well, I'll give you three guesses. Mrs. Dacre. Is it animal, vegetable, or mineral Dacre. It has a good deal of mule in it, salt, iron, er — oh — I guess it's a little of all. Mrs. Dacre. All? Then it's an article of bric- a-brac, eh? Dacre. It is highly ornamental and deucedly amusing. Mrs. Dacre. It's the pianola. Dacre. Not a bit like it. Mrs. Dacre. What shape is it? Dacre. Oblong. Mrs. Dacre. Did it belong to you or to me? Dacre. It was a wedding present to me. Mrs. Dacre. Who gave it to you? Dacre. Your good old father. Mrs. Dacre. Good gracious ! You don't mean me? A DAKOTA WIDOW. 19 Dacre. You bet I do. jMrs. Dacre. Then where does the widow come in ? Dacre. Show me that idiot's picture and I'll tell you. Mrs. Dacre. Yoti've not explained the widow yet. Dacre. {Holding out his liond) Who is he? Mrs. Dacre. Who is she-' Dacre. Well — (Breaks off 7^'illi exclamation points to the opposite side of the room) By Jove! We need a cat! {Running after an imaginary ■mouse) There he goes! Ah! {Turns, rushes at Mrs. Dacre excitedly) Look out for your feet! Mrs. Dacre. {Leaping on a chair) A mouse! Dacre. {Seizing the locket) A trap. Ha, ha! Mrs. Dacre. {Jumping down) You wretch! (Grabs his hand and the locket ivith both hands they struggle — Telephone rings — several times) j\Irs. Dacre. Yovi must answer! Dacre. We are one now ! (Drags her to table takes off receiver and lifts 'phone zvith his right hand) Hello! (Listen — fo IMrs. Dacre) It's the widow herself ! Mrs. Dacre. Is that creature on the other end of the wire. Dacre. Yes. (To 'phone) Repeat that slowly, please. (Holds 'plione to Mrs. Dacre's ear) (Mrs. Dacre listens gravely pii.'^cled, then expres- sion of rapture, as she turns to Dacre.) Mrs. Dacre. Oh ! " Think we had better sell out ' the little Widow ' to Syndicate. We'll never have a better offer." Bob Dacre! Don't tell me I've been jerdous of a coal mine. Dacre. That's right. (/Is she releases his hand) Now, may I see the donkey you love? Mrs. Dacre. You won't call him a donkey now. 20 A DAKOTA WIDOW. Dacre. {Opening lockcl) Me! Then why the deuce, divorce ! Dacre. Temper {There is a land explosion of gas stove blozving lip, tin pans falling, and a scream. They hoih spring to their feet, door c. opens, Katy rashes in, her face and apron blacked, hair dis- ordered. ) Katy. The stove blowed up on me ! and the dinners blew into the air shaft, and I'm kilt! Mrs. Dacre. Oh, no, you're not. This is the ninth time you've been blown up. Katy. {Reviving) There'll be no dinner. Dacre. {Putting on mackintosh) Hang din- ner. We're going to be married again to-night — dine at a hotel and sail for London to-morrow. Eh, Ethel? Mrs. Dacre. {Putting on Iter Jiat) Yes, Bob. QUICK CURTAIN. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 015 907 402 A