Ll^y^f): -PREFERMENT, OR AMBITION'S LADDER^ A SATIRE. BY L. A. WILMER, Jiuthorof ^^The Quacks of Helicon,** |8old by Macclefield & Co. No 21 . Minor St. Philari'n, Price 10 Cekts. PKEFERMENT OB AMBITION'S LADDER. AN INSTRUCTIVE POEM FOR POLITICAL PUPILS. WITH SHINING EXAMPLES FROM REAL LIPl \ BY L. A. WILMER; Author of « The Quacivs of Helicon:^ PHILADELPHIA, J. W. MACCLEFIELD & COn No. 21 Minor Street. 1848. Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1848, by Lambert A. Wilmer, in the Clerk's Of- fice of the District Court, for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania. REMARKS Explanatory, Apologetic and Cautionary. The design of this poem is to offer some discour- agement to office-seeking and demagogueism, two of *!ie greatest mischiefs that afliict this country. The reader will see at a glance that no party purpose is intended to be answered. The author has no reliance on the efficacy of any political creed to produce a change of heart. It requires no discernment to perceive — and but little candor to -confess — that there are honest and sensible men, as well as rogues and blockheads, in all parties. Fac- tions are not like wines in this: they grow worse with age. The putrifactive fermentation constantly goes on, until corruption becomes complete. We make no attempt, therefore, to represent any old party as pure in principles and faultless in practice. Since this Satire was written and finished, at least one person named in it has departed this life. The author ne\er intended to assail the deceased; it was not convenient, however, to leave out one name and substitute another, nor was that deemed necessary, as it is believed that no injustice has been done by us •either to tho living or the dead. One word to the ladies; — they are warned in time fiot to examine these pages, which were really not intended for their perusal. Our little book, though it contains nothing positively wicked, no dainty and decently expressed libertinism or blasphemy, may be justly charged with some occasional indelicacy of phraseology; — but as the subject is not an at- tractive one to females, and as no such seasoning as the rakish piquancies of Bulwer or Eugene Sue ^•can be promised, it is thought that the caution just given will have the desired effect. PREFERMET^T. ASPIRING souls, who anxiously devise, (And not too squeamishly,) the means to rise,— Give ear:— A new academy I found Where hearts and heads as hollow and unsound As Clay's own bosom or M'Connel s pate, ^ Mav learn the grand arcanum— to be great. I teach what deeds and sufferance are required, What pains unpitied and what toils untired, Before the statesman's paradise is won, The prize attain'd and all his labors done.- iW When, like Alcides, all with muck besmear d, Steep'd in unsavory unction to the beard. From filthier jobs than stable-work by odds, He comes to sit unquestionM with the gods. 15 Fast by the flues the master sweeps attend \nd teach their dusky urchins to ascend, Point the dim passage to the clamb ring elves But seldom mount, or wish to mount, themselves. Thus, my disciples, I direct your way Throu-h paths of gloom, impervious to the da>, A tortuous route, where every sooty trace ^i And dusty sprinkling that obscures your face, Is but a shadowy harbinger, that brings A sun-gilt futu/e, bright with heavenly things: Thus ashes, which your saintly noddles wear, 2o Foretell the crown of glory to be there. And wonder not if I contented show Your upward journey, yet remain below;— Alas! afflicted with a stublwrn spine, I feel an humbler destiny is mine: ^^ For, like those meek evangelists who teach A pathwav to that heaven they may not reach, ^^ Whose souls abhor th' intemperate zeal that eain. Supernal splendors by terrestrial spurns;— My crrovelling wishes to the dust are bound, '3^ With no ambition to be kick'd or crown d. b PREFERMENT^ Am I the first to teach or you to learn, How men may honors and distinction earn? What schemes and tricks for eminence are tried, How abject meanness ministers to pride; 4(^ How souls debas'd in morals and in mind, To wrongs, contempt and infamy resign'd, Mount, like the foetid gas from marshy spots, And shine from an original that rots. It irks and frets my spirit, I protest, 45 That all my skill preceptively express'd. Others, more daring, have in practice shown And won a laurel worthier than my own. Can I, in cramp'd Iambic rhymes, repeat Such pure and perfect lessons of deceit 50 As in thy deeds are read, without a book. Oh exemplary sage of Kinderhook ! Ah me, how weak, contemptible, in fact, [act! Are they who write and talk,compar'd with them who First, if the statesman's wreath you hope to wear, By constant practice for the course prepare; 56 As racers always train before they run. So be your task in privacy begun; And, as coquettes before their mirrors plan The captivation of imperial man, 60 Arrange each feature, every motion try. And teach each gesture, every look to lie: Thus, in elaborate study, gain that art [heart. Which wins, with hollow smiles, each unsuspecting A mock sincerity, by craft supplied, 65 Is the best veil your purposes to hide. Oh how absurd is cunning uncoiiceaVd! It guards the bosom like a paste-board shield; A vile burlesque, an impotent pretence, Provoking war and offering no defence. 7(V But, better skilPd in these great mysteries, thou With seeming candor ornament thy brow; And as the cobra wears a beauteous skin. Be fair without, if venemons within. As rotten poplar, (such the tricks of trade,) 75 Is oft with fine mahogany o'erlaid. And few beneath the shining surface look: Thus seeming is for substance still mistook; PREFERMENT. 7 Learn you the knavish cabinet-maker's art, Veneer your face with smiles and hide a rotten heart. As pigs, unfitted for the joys of love, 81 Increase in fatness and in flesh improve; Thus, would you thrive, bid every impulse fly, And nature's claims ungraciously deny; All artificial, like lago, be; 85 A thing of passionless rascality. I pray you earnestly your mouth to guard, That all your speech be uttered by the card; For words are traitors; hold them still in doubt, Or dread their agency if they slip out. 90 But of all skill in politics profess'd. Equivocation is the first and best; Language that two constructions will admit, May, if required, a double purpose fit; And thus a sure and safe retreat is found, 95 Should it expedient be to shift your ground. This Noah, (cunning Hebrew !) can confirm, Who never used an unambiguous term. But few like him with natural gifts are bless'd, And you, of humbler faculties possess'd, 100 Must try the Samian plan, make silence do; 'Tis always safe and oft expedient too: When Clay is ask'd his principles to tell, Not all his eloquence could speak so well. Be uncommitted; 'tis the statesman's pride 105 To keep himself by promises untied; For every pledge that from your lips may steal, Shall prove at last a fetter on your heel. In this the sum of statemanship is found. To talk around a subject and around; 110 As one would eat an apple, skipping o'er Its most essential principle, the core. Coquette with all; each suitor keep at bay "With sweet, reluctant, amorous delay.'' Teach him, in practice, 'tis the sum and scope 115 Of all terrestrial happiness — to hope* As various paths lead upward, 'tis your plan To keep as many open as you can; A choice of routes be careful to provide. That one being found too rough, another may be tried- 8 PREFERMENT* And by experienced stagers 'tis confess'd 121 That dirtiest routes are commonly the best. As when your foot you casually besmear, You bless your stars and know good luck is near : Thus oft, in life, mis-steps that make you smell, Immense success and happiness foretell. 126 And know'st thou not that tender flowrets nursM Where Cloacina^s favors are dispers'd. With rapid growth and rich florescence shoot, The fairest blossoms from the foulest root? 130 Instructed thus, my pupils, dread no hurt From frequent contact with enlivening dirt; So shall your fortunes, palm-like, rise and spread, And clusrering honors hang about your head. By ancient rules of chivalry, the squire 135 Perform'd what tasks his knightship might require, Was groom or lackey, prompt at every call, To comb the steed, brush boots or cleanse a stall; And through this hard apprenticeship, he came To be himself a candidate for fame; 160 Assum'd the golden spurs and then, in turn, Taught all the hardships he was forc'd to learn: Even thus, in politics, awhile you brave The toils and degradations of a slave. In the fond hope that an approaching hour 165 May place some helpless victim in your power, That all your pent-up vengeance may be shed, Like streams of molten lava, on his head. Select a patron, an experienced knight. To whom your vows of constancy you plight; 170 Some leader qualified to take the front Where rogues contend, and bear the battle's brunt, His breech made callous by repeated kicks. His conscience petrified by pettifogging tricks; Some small attorney, left without a case, 175 Or from the Courts ejected in disgrace; (For strange to say, eccentric knaves there are Who find no kind connivance at the bar; But 'tis their knavery's fashion^ not extent, The conscientious brotherhood resent; 180 All forms of roguery they hate and shun, Unless by rule and precedent 'tis done:) Of such materials demagogues are made, PREFERMENT. 9 The rags and refuse of the quibbling trade, For 'tis a truth through nature's walks express'd, That worthless creatures ever climb the best; 186 And human vermin, the confirm'd disgrace. The cats and rats and monkeys, of their race, With facile movements reach the topmost round, While stiff-back'd merit in the dust is found. 190 In your approaches to the scoundrel great, Who stand as porters at Preferment's gate. Prepare your spirits for the rude rebuff, For low-bred mtilice and contempt enough: For they who great indignities have borne, 195 By long endurance school'd in hate and scorn. Are ever apt and anxious to bestow The wormwood potion on some wretch below. As naturall}'- as(^.tadpoles turn to frogs, Or fawning puppies to ferocious dogs, 200 Your wriggling, whining sycophants, in place, Become the surliest monsters of their race. Then, like the tub-philosopher of old, By kicks and cudjels not to be controll'd. To your Antisthenes, (your patron,) spite 205 Of iDangs and footings, cleave with all your might. And dread thou not, (the first repulsion past,) He'll find thy sterling qualities at last; Rascals with ease their brother rascals tell. As dogs their comrades recognize by smell. 210 When thou such rising genius hast discern'd. Cling to his skirts till all his art be learn'd; And all capricious insolence sustained, Believe thy education cheaply gained. Let no fastidious delicacy mar 215 The happier influence of the mounting star. Take every cuff as kindness; never lurk If he invoke thee to the dirtiest work. Study his faiUng: drinking if it be. Take care to get, or seem, as drunk as he. 220 Or is incontinence his ruling sin. Then stand prepared to draw his favorites in; Canvass the brothels, with a taste discreet, And cull the daintiest tit-bits for his treat; And should he meet with love's posterior curse, 225 10 PREFERMENT. Seek you the same and strive to have it worse. 'Tis thus congenial feelings are begun, The only friendship rogues can count upon. To soothing flattery modulate your tongue, And tho' no greater scoundrel lives unhung, 230 Extol his virtues; but as white-wash falls, When spread too thickly, from your smoke-brown'd walls, So praise, on dusky characters when tried, Must, in thin coats, be cautiously applied; 285 Or, scaling off, it leaves the eurfacw bare, And blacker than before, in spite of all your care. Many the ways, nor shall you find them hard, To win your master's kindliest regard: His children kiss, though from each snubby nose A double stream of yellow mucous flows; 291 Permit your lips the 'kerchief's part to play, And wipe the slimy excrement away. Or if your patron, in a lounging fit, A backward blast should heedlessly emit, 295 Beware, lest any tokens of distaste Should all your proud expectancy lay waste; Put not a finger to the nose, nor seem To be offended at the pungent steam. But snuff*, as if some exquisite perfume 300 Of rose or musk were floating through the room. Deem all acceptable that comes from him, And mould your fancy to his windiest whim. Think it no slight, if to the kitchen sent. You wait the great man's leisure, — be content; With hearty fellowship the scullions greet, 306 And in the chimney corner take your seat; Now scrape a carrot with officious zeal. And make the cook your melting glances feel. Thus Kendall rose: — by kettle-scrubbing sports. And interest gain'd in culinary courts. 311 Thrice happy he, to move in such a sphere, And no lost caste or detriment to fear ! His reputation too securely placed To be disturbed, — amended or disgraced. 315 Your patron mounting in preferment's scale, Keep but your nose adhesive to his tail. PREFERMENT. 1 1 And you must follow. But remember this, While you his culminating buttocks kiss, Be well prepared to kick them, should you find His fortunes waning: thus your post behind 271 Is doubly bless'd. Nor does it more concern Your future welfare, to salute his stern, While its possessor prospers, than to toe The self-same mark, should fortune prove his foe. And now, my pupils, steep your fancies well 276 In all the direst fumes and fogs of hell ; Approach with awe; — sublimer mysteries see! liO, I induct you to your last degree ! Yes, brave novitiates, let us now unfold 280 How the capricious People are controll'd. liCarn, first, how public favor may be gained, And how, (ah there's the i*ub!) that favor is retained* Say then, — is Popularity your aim? First be notorious: — that begins the game. 285 Here different plans will serve; to steal a sheep May do; but merely from the tread -mill keep. (An awkward ladder that for "Young Ambition,'' Where all your climbing mends not your condition.) But simple larceny will scarce suffice; 290 The world expects some magnitude of vice, Some grand atchievement, worthy to be set In the first column of the chief Gazette. There is, in truth, gentility in crime; Some sins are sentimental, some sublime, 295 Some witty and some vulgar; 'tis the last That for examples in our courts are cast. Your scrubby rogue vicariously atones For faults committed by distinguished ones. If public funds should get within thy clutch, 300 First help thyself, nor fear to take too much: With money, as with arsenic, well thou know'st, There is no danger if we're largely dosed: The bane, scarce touch'd, destroys the timid rat, The bold one takes it freely and gets fat. 305 A Defalcation, if your plan 's well laid, And all your cards judiciously are play'd, Is the best scheme a novice can devise In public favor and esteem to rise. 310 12 PREFERMENT. First, as we said, it spreads abroad your name, Berascall'd? — well; all statesmen are the same. The journals scout you: this is still the fate 315 Of all who nobly venture to be great. Let the first storm of execration pass; Opinions change: the mob, the generous mass — Will do you justice? No, but better still, Will fail to do it, and your hopes fulfill. 320 Then fill thy purse and let the world cry "shame!" The spoils themselves shall purify thy fame: So cunning thieves some pilfer'd gold apply A priestly pardon for the theft to buy. All-potent cash ! that requisite possessed, 325 Thou hast at once, or soon may'st have, the rest. Friends, influence, honors, (marketable stuff!) Be sure thy plunder shall secure enough. And can'st thou tell what station is too high For selfish, soulless opulence to buy? 330 The Press, (grand engine !) is by cash controll'd; "Golden opinions" may be bought for gold. And now, a wide celebrity obtained, The public ear, (a lengthy one,) being gained, With no unseemly bashfulness abide, 335 But range thyself on faction's strongest side: Then be the noisiest brawler of the gang. Prompt at a fray or market-house harrangue. As dogs with poisoned sausages we cheat, And strew the savory mischief through the street, That each confiding brute, too apt to trust 341 In man's sincerity, may bite the dust: Thus, with envenomed doctrines scattered wide, You win the Mob, too ready to confide, Too apt to gulp, with appetite canine, [sign. Each seeming good that hides the deep and dark de- The Mob ! — What shivering seizes on thy frame? What i^ortal terror couches with that name 1 Behold I give thee Ariadne's clue ! Explore the maze, the Minotaur subdue: And know that beast, for cruelty renown'd, 350 In flimsiest cob-web fetters may be bound. Are raging flames by human skill subdued? Is Ocean travers'd in his fiercest moodi PliEFERMENT. 13 A're tigers harness'd, lightnings caught and cool'd Tn glassy jars? and may not mobs be ruled? 356 But rightly judge what constitutes a mob, Lest of their dues the '^better class" you rob: In mere externals all distinctions lie Between the low-bred vulgar and the high; 360 At the first glance, the former may offend, The last is most disgustful in the end: For when the filth remotely may be seen, You save your fingers from a touch unclean; But if a seeming purity invite, 365 Your hands, by contact, come to evil plight. Have you the pauper and patrician flay'd, And note what nice distinctions may be made: Complexions vary, but, beneath the skin, All human flesh is wonderously akin. 370 Refinement is, like varnishes, applied. The flaws of heart and character to hide; It shines upon the surface, to conceal What finished scoundrels meditate and feel. As hardest bodies take the polish best, 375 So hardened rogues are frequently possessed Of smooth exteriors, and politely cheat, While few suspect a courtesy so sweet. In spite of all the sculptor's skill and pains, The image still a marble heart retains: 380 Though in each chiselPd lineament may shine Seraphic grace, intelligence divine. External is the charm, and that alone. And all besides is cold and senseless stone: Though in the world's sublimest models cast, 385 Man is but man, and half a brute, at last; And though imbued with all a Stanhope's lore, As much a beast and blackguard as before; From forms restrictive happy to escape And sport with freedom in his natural shape; 390 As monkeys, when the exhibition 's done, Are glad, unbreech'd, upon all fours to run. Can'st thou a band of ragged knaves collect More free from honest shame and self-respect, More prompt at insolence, abuse and brawl, 395 Than they, the rowdy gangs of Congress Hall? And why ? Because, in self-sufficient pride. They cast the cloak which hid their faults aside; 2 14 PREFERMENT. Being drunk with honors, shame's rebuke they hush. And show their naked souls without a blush: 400^ As drunkards of less note, despised and mean, Through tattered breeches show their corporal parts obscene. Ye carperSj prompt at vulgar sins to catch, Show me the mob that Congress cannot match. 405 "Cobblers and tinkers" are with vyrath inflamed, To see the councils of the land so shamed, To see the wisdom of debate so shrunk, in Allen raving and M'^Connell drunk ! 409* Ambition^s votaries, be consoled and know, While, for your weal, ye plan the people's woe. No human skill your purpose can defeat, Though every gro?e were Education's seat, While, spite of all the purblind patriot's pains. The putrifactive principle remains. 415^ On Delta's shore Minerva^'s temple stood, A radiant structure rising from the mud; But not the presence of the goddess there Could disinfect the foul contiguous air: And think'st thou Scies^ce e^er can correct 420 A nation's moral taints, while vice remains uncheck'd? Let crack'd enthusiasts hope, and knaves pretend, All that 's amiss with Spelling- Books to mend: If legislators must like pedants look, They'll find the birch as needful as the book. 425^ Virtue by wholesome castigation comes, Hence school-boys groan with lacerated bums; At either end improvement we bestow, K^nowledge above. Morality below ; To signify how vain is learning's glare, 430^ With no foundation of good morals there. To domes scholastic yield all honor due. But let the Gallows claim its tribute too; On Pedagogues your panegyrics stretch, But spare one sprig of laurel for Jack Ketch. 435^ If men's mistakes from ignorance arise, Knowledge alone can never make them wise; Else would this age, so boastful of its light. Eschew the wrong and recognize the right ; Else would the worthies of the past, unbless'd 440' PREFEEMENT. 15 With half the science by their sons possessed, Not from the skies, with an indignant frown, On us, their worthless progeny, look down. Once, in my dreams, I saw the patriot sage, The boast and glory of a better age ; 445 That mighty mind, which honors ne'er disgraced, Which wealth impoverish'd not nor power debas'd; Favored by Heaven to live at such a time. When intellect was prized and virtue was no crime: Worthy — (Oh praise most lamentably rare !) 450 That more than throne, the Presidential Chair; — Even while that chair its glories all retain'd. By Washington adorn'd, and not by Polk profan'd. In the dim hour of silence and repose. Before my eyes the great Virginian rose; 455 In more than regal majesty he stood, — (For what are monarchs to the wise and good? And what are all the high-born of the earth. Compared with souls of a celestial birth 1) Fierce rage, by manly fortitude repress'd, 460 Flash'd from his eye and struggled in his breast; The freeman's honest rage. A glance he cast That might a score of sceptred pigmies blast: In such a glance the awed Convention read, When first the hall resounded with his tread, 465 His stern resolves, before his hand unfurl'd That scroll ordain'd to liberate a world- To me, that trembled with ignoble dread, The Second Glory of Columbia said : "Go; to thy countrymen this message bear : 470 Tell them — " But hold ! should I the words declare, Oh great Defunct, the penalties might be Curses for you and martyrdom for me. Shall I make primers of sepulchral stones, And beat the living with the dead man's bones ; 475 Teach self-conceit its errors to detect. And cherishM follies thanklessly correet? Amid this moral darkness, I discern One ray, — -it falls on the funereal urn ; It shines across the dense and hopeless gloom 480 And lights the dim inscriptions of the tomb. But let the crumbhng records of the just Fail, like their earthly elements, to dust ; 16 PREFERMENT- Let no reproachful monument be read, Nor shame the living to exalt the dead. 485- I thank thee, God, for giving to this hand No vengeful sword, no ensign of command, No regal sceptre, — but that lash severe, That scorpion lash, which mightiest scoundrels fear. (None are too high, though some may be too low, To feel the sting and deprecate the blow:) 491 Yet am I not so harsh, so void of ruth. To give full utterance to offensive truth ; To bid this people blushingly compare Themselves — (Oh fie!) — with what their fathers were: No; rather let me with the stream descend 496 And to the prosperous gales my yielding canvass bend. Let me adopt the fashions of the times. Affect their follies and confess their crimes. For daring to be wise beyond the age, 500 See Webster, butt of every blockhead's rage ; Praised with reluctance and with rapture blam'd. By Democrats denounced, by Whigs disclaim'd, Suspected, sneered at, laid upon the shelf. Though false and faithless only to himself. 505 By his example, let us be advised How Wisdom and Fidelity are prized. But, Webster, take this comfort and be strong: Better to suffer, than commit, a wrong; Better to have our merits all denied, 510 Than strive another's excellence to hide: Then how much better, happier, is thy lot Than theirs who hate but comprehend thee not! If to thy worth the world insensate be, Its dull neglect is no disgrace to thee. 515 Mortals there are too stupid to confess The charms of nature in her grandest dress ; Who, at Niagara, with rapture burn, To think what mills the cataract might turn! And can we hope that such as these could find 520 The matchless grandeur of a god-like mind? (Expect our huckstering demagogues as soon To note the manly virtues of Calhoun.) When villains snarl, one certain truth is shown, — The nature snarl'd at is unlike their own: 525» Even I, by rabid calumny misled, PREFERMENT* 17 Once held our Yankee Socrates in dread ; [packs, But Faction's hounds, Van Buren's wide-mouth'd Prov'd his integrity by their attacks ; And had his wisdom stood in need of proof, 530 The wrath of Ingersoll had been enough. But what of Webster? mark the man and see What an ambitious statesman must not be. Wisdom is favor'd only by the wise, And hence on no majority relies: 535 Then brave aspirants — (let me not forget My pledge to you ; an honorable debt.) — Rejoice, since not good qualities possess'd, But those you lack, will serve your purpose best, Distrust your gifts and note with joyful pride The good by heaven's beneficence denied^ 541 What pains, what labor, (more than thou can'st tell,) It costs the best of mortals to do well! Rascality no cultivation needs. But springs spontaneous, like pernicious weeds; But honesty and truth are plants most rare, 546 Requiring culture and assiduous care. Then scan thy own facilities, be brave. And bless the chance that made thee fool or knave ; Let moral sickness be thy rosiest' health 550 And intellectual indigence thy wealth. As polished kettles are, by cooks discreet, Pronounced the least susceptible of heat, Less useful and available, in fact, Than those utensils all begrimed and black'd ; So, in affairs of Statesmanship, we find 556 The purest morals and the brightest mind Much less convenient implements will make Than such as seem more smutty and opaque. But 'tis a problem yet if rogue or fool, A self-will'd trickster or a willing tool, 560 Best serves the turn : 'tis difficult to say Which proves the better pest, a Polk or Clay. Oh sad effect of national disease That left us no alternatives but these ! 565 Men try innoculation, to escape The foul distemper in an uglier shape; And thus our country chose the lesser curse, Being pox'd by Polk lest Clay should pox her worse. 2* 18 PREFERMENT. But has this desperate course improved the case, Or left us more in danojer and disorace? 571 By placing mediocrity so high, What creeping vermin have been taught to fly ! Lo! a recorded precedent remains, To show that men may govern without brains ! Here Cass himself encouragement espies, 576 And bold Buchanan clutches at the prize. And see poor Allen, with a dubious glance, 'Twixt eagerness and idiocy, advance. And twenty drivellers more on tip-toe wait, 580 To rush tumultuous for the Ghair of State. Yes, all expect to come victorious in. Where Polk has won and Dallas hopes to win. Let nations fear or hate us, but exempt, I pray you gods, my country from contempt, 585 Oh if our land has come to such a pass That nothing but a sharper or an ass Can hope to rule it, as we once have err'd And slavering imbecility preferr'd, — Come, let a new experiment be tried, 590 And bid some shrewd, sage profligate preside : For vicious Intellect may save a realm. But wreck is sure with Folly at the helm. Villains by statutes may be held in awe, But fools are not amenable to law; 595 The first with cautious policy proceed. The last dash onward with a reckless speed. A roguish statesman plays a single hand, The fool is agent for a rascal band, Perhaps unconscious of the part he plays ; 600 Betray'd himself, his country he betrays. Knavery in sly secretiveness excels. But Folly loves the jingling of her bells. Scoundrels with seeming fairness cheat men's eyes, But idiots have no art to pass for wise. 605. Hence, rogues in office, by surveillance check'd, And fearful of a fall, may win respect ; May govern well: (but hazardous the chance. Though truth is sometimes stranger than romance.) But no contingency e'er brought that hour 61ft Which saw the fool respectable in power. Was ever nation in such guidance placed, PREFERMENT. 1ft And not distress'd, endangered or disgraced? • Erratic musej too heedless of thy way, Must 1 impound thee, like a colt astray? 615 Thou can'st not hope, in these illiberal days, O'er meads of sweet morality to graze. Come, take the dry and dusty route again, Resume the traces and obey the rein. Not for the public or its good I preach, 620 But treasonable arts to bold adventurers teach. Oh Public Favor ! was there ever shrine So throng'd with zealous devotees as thine? Who shall approach thy altars ? who shall gain That entrance thousands scramble for in vain? Two gates to thy bright temple I behold, 626 Of ivory one and one of shining gold; The first, calPd Vanity, though rich and rare, Is insubstantial too and frail as fair; And hence by ancient fabulists 'twas said Through such a door delusive visions fled. 630 Here stand the Flatterers, ready to rush in. And catch the people with a treacherous din ; As bees with brazen music are beguiPd, — First stunn'd and stupified and then despoil'd. The other gate, which Avarice we call, 635 Stands open and available to all, — All who are furnish'd with the glittering sign, Like that the Trojan gave to Proserpine, And bought, as daring moderns do as well, A right of entrance to the depths of hell ; 640 For, (let it not your heaven of hope o'ercast,) Your highest aims may come to that at last. Not wealth alone this golden gate avails, But oft the scum of hospitals and jails, Lazars and paupers, by financial arts, 645 Have found this passage to the people's hearts. For since that truth the oracle display'd : — "A penny saved is just as good as made,'' Beggars themselves, with nought to give or lend, May teach Economy and gain iheir end. 650 (For who the worth of money can display Like those who want it sadly day by day?) Hence many a fiscal scheme the patriot tries, 20 PREFERMENT. Wasting whole millions to economise ; Hence Congressmen protract the dear debate, 655 Some soldier's paltry pension to vacate ; Or from his orphan brats and widowed wife To wrest the pittance that sustains their life. Scared at expense, the country they expose And leave us to the mercy of our foes; 660 And lest our purses should be cut, their votes Allow the enemy to cut our throats. (What statesman, studious of retrenchment, yet Could his own dues and services forget, Or from his salary would a jot abate, 665 To save the shoulders of the sinking state ?) The keeping of our cash, on plans so cheap, Costs more than all the cash we have to keep. What happier measure, pray, could be embraced To save our funds, than having none to wa^te? 670 And since it is impossible to guess The true amount of credit we possess. Until by sure experiment 'tis tried. And needful loans are granted or denied. What thanks are due to rulers of that class 675 Which brings us quickly to the borrowing pass! Placing that precious knowledge in our reach Which stern Necessity alone can teach. Some schemers try the captivating quirk 674 Of teaching ways to wealth without hard work; Such was the course ingenious Benton took To catch the gudgeons with a golden hook ; But all in vain the patient angler sate. The barb was more conspicuous than the bait! Some on a pufF'd-up currency will pitch, 680 To make the nation prosperous and rich ; So Chinese butchers treat a slaughtered cat, Inflate the carcase and pronounce it fat. Has public weal a more pernicious bane Than that damn'd fault, avidity for gain? 685 Which holds in scorn religion, virtue, sense, And clothes base Mammon with omnipotence. Where shall corruption cease when every soul Is* eager for the mercenary dole? When every virtue, ay, and every vice, ^90 PREFERMENT. 21 Is quoted at a marketable price ; And reputation is esteem'd as trash Unless it be convertible to cash ! But is a ragged fortune thy estate? Despair not yet, but trust the "Ivory Gate." 695 If poor in purse, be poor in spirit too, And mark what bankrupt sycophants may do. Of thriving statesmen, thousands have been led Less by ambition than the want of bread. Hunger is bold, and, in a desperate case, 700 Will make hard pushes to secure a place; Yea, oft adventures on some shrewd emprise Which dull repletion never could devise. Know'st thou the region of inventive pates, 704 In prose, distinguish'd as the "Eastern States'?" Whose niggard fields but scantily supply The coarse materials for the annual pie. What time the land is freed from all her taints. And prayers and pumpkins purge the costive saints.. 'Tis there man's wit, by abstinence refin'd, — 710 (For want, that wastes the body, mends the mind,) Grows keen and polish'd, like a tempered blade On the hard surface of a grind-stone laid. There shalt thou find that shrewd contrivance still Which makes the pedlar's or the statesman's skill. Hence comes that sharpness known the country o'er, And felt too oft in demonstrations sore, With clocks and banks that scarce may run a week, Tariff's and tin-ware wondrous apt to leak, 720 And other bright expedients which, 'tis known, Make housewives grumble and the public groan. But let the East superior shrewdness claim. The supple South, when flattery is the game, Bids fair to win. Extravagant and rich, 725 There Panegyric takes the highest pitch ; And this the burden of the syren song : "The sovereign people never can go wrong.'' Alas ! the people, in deceit unschool'd, "Infallible," though constantly befool'd, 73Q Can never err more widely than to trust The man who calls their judgment always just. Enough of formal strictures and advice ! 32 PREFERMENT. Where genius is, short lessons will suffice. Come then, my novice, on these hints refine, 735 And soon your character, though black, shall shine; Like boots improv'd by Day