T .S r>rNlSON & COJ^PANY CHICAGO i DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. Price 15c eacii, Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given DRAMAS, COMEDIES, ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. M. F. Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 acts, 2V2 hrs (2Sc) 8 8 After the Game, 2 acts, \% hrs (2Sc) 1 9 All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (2Sc) 4 4 American Hustler, 4 acts, 2^ hrs (2Sc) 7 4 Arabian Nights, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 4 S As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, IVi hrs (2Sc) 9 7 At the End of the Rainbow, 3 acts, IVa, hrs (25c) 6 14 Bank Cashier, 4 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 8 4 Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 9 3 Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2}4 hrs (25c) 7 3 Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Burns Rebellion, 1 hr (25c) 8 5 Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. (25c) 7 4 College Town, 3 acts, 2}4 hrs (25c) 9 8 Corner Drug Store, 1 hr. (2Sc) 17 14 Panger 3ignal, '2 acts, 2 hrs.. 7 4 Daughter of the Desert, 4 acts, 254 hrs (25c) 6 4 Down in Dixie, 4 acts, '2.V2 hrs <25c) 8 4 Dream That Came True, 3 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 6 13 Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr (25c) 10 Enchanted Wood, 1^4 h.(35c).OptnI. Everyyouth, 3 acts, XVi hrs. (25c) 7 6 Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 hrs (2Sc) 4 4 Fascinators, 40 min (25c) 13 Fun on the Podunk Limited, 11/2 hrs. .., (25c) 9 14 Heiress of liietmvn, 3 acts, 2 hrs. ...*..*.: (25c) 8 4 High School, Freshman, 3 acts, 2 hrs. ..* (25c) 12 Honor of a Cowboy, 4 acts, 2*4 hrs (25c) 13 4 Indian Days. 1 hr (50c) 5 2 In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2^^ hrs (25c) 6 4 Iron Hand, 4 acts, 2 hrs. . (2Sc) 5 4 Jayville Junction, XVz hrs.(25c)14 17 Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 acts. 2'4 hrs (25c) 6 12 Lexington, 4 acts, 2J4 h..(25c) 9 4 Light Brigade, 40 min (25c) 10 Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. (25c) 7 4 Lodge of Kye Tyes^ 1 hr. (2Sc)13 Lonelyville Social Club, 3 acts, Wi hrs (25c) 10 Man from Borneo, 3 acts, 1 hrs (2Se) 5 2 Man from Nevada, 4 acts, 2^^ hrs (25c) 9 5 Mirandy's Minstrels (25c) Optnl. New Woman, 3 acts 1 hr.... 3 6 Old Maid's Club, Wz hrs. (25c) 2 16 Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 hrs (25c'> 8 6 Old School at Hick'ry Holler, W), hrs (25c) 12 9 On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 21/2 hrs (2Sc)10 4 Out in the Streets, 3 acts, 1 hr. 6 4 Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2}^ hrs. (25c) 7 4 Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2% hrs (2Sc)10 12 School Ma'am, 4 acts, 1^ hrs. 6 5 Scrap of Paper, 3 acts, 2 hrs.. 6 6 Soldier of Fortune, 5 acts, 21/2 h. 8 3 Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 hrs (2Sc) 7 Third Degree, 40 min (25c) 12 Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 2 hrs (25c) 6 A Tony, The Convict, S acts, ZVz hrs (?5c) 7 4 Topp's Twins, 4 acts, 2 h.(25c) 6 4 Town Marshal, 4 acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 6 3 Trip to Storyland, 1^ hrs. (25c) 17 23 Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2"4 hrs. (25c) 8 3 Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 hrs (2Sc) 7 10 Lender the Laurels, S acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 When the Circus Came to Town. 3 acts, 2^ hrs. (25c) 5 3 Women Who Did, 1 hr...(2Sc) 17 Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 FARCES, COIMEDIETAS, Etc. April Fools, 30 min 3 Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 Baby Show at Pirteville, 20 min. 19 Bad Job, 30 min 3 2 Betsy Baker, 45 min 2 2 Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 Billy's Mishap, 20^min. . . . . . . 2 3 Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 Box and Cox, 35 min ,. 2 1 Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 (Convention of Papas, 25 min.. 7 Country Justice, 15 min 8 Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 - T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,Publishers,154W.RandolphSt.. Chicago A POOR MARRIED MAN MR. WALTER BEN HARE AS "a poor married man' A POOR MARRIED MAN A FARCE COMEDY IN THREE ACTS BY WALTER BEN HARE AUTHOR OF Aaron Boggs, Freshman," "Civil Service," "A College Town," "The Fascinators," "Laughing Water," "Macbeth a la Mode," "Mrs. Tnhbs of Shantytown" "Parlor Matches," "Ruse o' My Heart" "A Rustic Rouico," Sewing for the Heathen," "A Southern Cinderella," "Savagcland," Etc., Etc. CHICAGO T. S. DENISON & COMPANY Publishers C 1 ^15" :3 P5 35t5 A POOR MARRIEdTvIAN who's who. Professor John B. Wise, aged 27. .A Poor Married Man Doctor Matthew Graham, aged 54 A Country Physician Billy Blake, aged 20 A Popidar College Boy Jupiter Jackson, aged 23 A Black Trump Mrs. Iona Ford, aged 48 Some M other-in-laiv ZoiE, aged 20 Her Charming Daughter June Graham, aged 18 A Little Freshman Rosalind Wilson, aged 19 A College Reporter College Boys and Girls (may be omitted.) Place — A Small College Tozvn in the Middle West. Time of Playing — Tivo Hours. Act I. Interior of Professor Wise's pretty little bunga- low. "Plail to the Bride!" A distant thunderstorm. Act II. Same scene as Act I. Too much mother-in-law. It never raiijs but it pours. Act IIT*. • Same scene, two years later. A happy little home. After a storm comes a calm. Notice. — Production of this play is free to amateurs, but the sole professional rights are reserved by the Publishers, COPYRIGHT, 1915. BY RBEN H. NORRTS. 0CI.D 41103 JUN28I9I5 '^-^z A POOR MARRIED MAN. THE STORY OF THE PLAY. A Poor Married INIan is offered to amateurs with the con- fidence that their audiences will be delighted with a play combining the best elements of comedy with the action and movement of pure farce. It is not a "sit down and talk" play, it is decidedly a "get up and do" play. The refined comedy scenes of the innocent old country doctor and his modest little daughter are in sharp contrast to the ludicrous adventures of the newly married college professor and the antics of his negro servant who thinks himself poisoned. Action is the dominant keynote of this play. A professor has married a charming young lady whose mother insists on accompanying the pair to their new home, much to the disgust of the groom. His friends mistake the mother for the bride and relate to the professor sundry escapades of the mother's husbands and her daughter. Professor Wise naturally thinks they are referring to his wife instead of her mother. A dashing college boy and a pretty reporter add to the professor's growing suspicion. Finally he becomes convinced that his wife means to poison him. The bride, who has married the professor at her mother's instigation, learns that she really loves Billy, and when the mother learns that Billy is wealthy and that he is in love with her daughter, she determines to divorce the professor from Zoie. She is successful in this and in the first instance marriage is proved to be a failure. The professor marries again after a year and he selects a girl who will not encumber him with a mother-in-law, but to his horror her innocent old father is trapped into a marriag'e with the woman who caused all his former trouble, and Mrs lona Ford once more becomes the professor's mother-in-law. But Billy, who has been on a trip around the world, has located Mrs. Ford's original husband in China. All ends happily and all pronounce marriage a dis- tinct success. 4 A POOR MARRIED MAN. SYNOPSIS FOR PROGRAM. Act I. Living room in the professor's bungalow. The students prepare a hot reception for the professor and his bride. The pretty college reporter writes up the home coming. The dummy bride. Jupiter has trouble with the "decoriations." ''Well, I'll be dog-goned." The bride's mother arrives. "Is this a lunatic asylum?" "No, lady, it's only a college town." "That's the same thing!" "Here comes the bride !" A befuddled bridegroom. "Is dat young hippopotamus our little pet dog Socrates?" "Say, how old is my daughter?" "I should say about twenty." "Then how old is my wife?" "Well, she must be at least twenty- one." Lobster salad and mysterious disappearances. A modern Lucrezia Borgia. Getting rid of Socrates. "My dear, you've married a lunatic !" Act II. Same scene as Act I. Billy and Zoie. "Pro- fessor, I love your wife*." "Take her mother." Doctor Graham and his modest little daughter make a great im- pression on the professor. "We'll get a divorce." A peace- ful little lunch. "'Good lawsey me, I'se poisoned, I'se a dead nigger, I'se a gone coon !" Off for Reno. Act III. Two years later. A happy family. ]\Tarriage is not a failure. A letter from Billy. Doctor Graham and his bride. "She's like a violet, a little, timid, shrinking violet !" June mistakes Zoie for her new mamma. "You have de- ceived me, sir; I'll get a divorce." The professor's night- mare. Billy's trip to China and what he found there. "Marriage is a great and grand success." COSTUMES. Modern and characteristic. PROPERTIES. Act I. Old shoes (seven or eight). Wliite cambric ribbons. A POOR MARRIED MAN. 5 Signs, "Oh, You Kid," 'The Newlyweds." "Hail to the Bride," "Because I'm Married Now," "The Bride." Dummy seated R. C. made of pillows, dress, hat, shoes, etc. Small step ladder. Notebook and pencil for Rosalind. Broom and dustpan for Jupiter. Two grips for Mrs. Ford. Horns, megaphones, etc., ofif stage. Grip for Zoie. Grip, umbrella, hat box, strapped shawl, bird cage, bun- dles for professor. Large ugly dog on chain for Billy. Towel to tie around V/ise's head. Flowers in vase on table. College bell off L. (Strike suspended piece of iron with iron rod.) Champagne basket with two bottles of (real) champagne. Shot gun. Framed picture. Picture made of paper to tear easily. Act H. Apron and cap for Zoie. Apron and cap for Mrs. Ford. White table cloth. Plates, dishes, bread, carving knife. Cups, saucers, knives, forks, spoons, etc. Large dish of (real) lobster salad. Grip containing shirts, ties, socks, white trousers, etc. (about thirty pieces). Wheelbarrow for Billy. Act HL Breakfast dishes. Toast rack. Doll with baby cap and long dress. Crib. Two letters for Jupiter. Opera glasses in crib. Grip for Graham. A POOR MARRIED MAN. SCENE PLOT Note: An ordinary interior scene may be used if found more convenient to set than the above arrangement. STAGE DIRECTIONS. R. means right of stage; C, center; R.C., right center; L., left; 1 E., first entrance; U. E., upper entrance; R. 3 E., right entrance, up-stage, etc.; R.D., right door; L.D., left door, etc. ; up-stage, away from footlights ; down-stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. A POOR MARRIED MAN Act I. Scene: The living room of Professor Wise's pretty bungalow in a small college toivn in the Middle West. A pretty interior setting. Scene boxed to shozv one corner of the room, one xmll extending from down R. diagonally to R. C. at rear {here is the corner); the other zvall extending from down L. to R. C. rear. A tall piece of statuary, tall piano lamp or higli potted palm in the corner. Draped arch in left wall showing hall setting beyond. Small door in R. wall and also windozu, this last item at the convenience of the stage carpenter. Green carpet doivn zvith several medlnm-sised fur rugs. Mantel masked by screen may be up L. (This is not essen- tial.) Furniture shoidd be dark. Large table dozvn L. covered zvith dark rloth, books, magazines, zvriting material, flozvers in vase, blank books, etc. Three chairs around this table. Large leather couch dozvn R. Several easy chairs around stage. Other furniture, bric-a-brac, etc., as desired to dress stage. Pictures on zvall. Large easy chair at R. C. Several old shoes tied zvith bozvs of zvhlte cambric are suspended from zvall, table, etc. Sign reading "The Nezvly- zveds" stands leaning against table. Other signs, "Hail to the Bride," "Welcome Home," "Oh, You Kid," "Because Fm Married Nozv," etc., in plain viezv of audience. Dummy figure of zvoman seated in easy chair at R. C. Sign on figure reads "The Bride." Lights on full throughout the act. Four or five students {male or female) are discovered at the rise of the curtain arranging signs, etc., all zvorking busily. Billy P)LAke is discoz'cred on small step ladder hanging sez'eral old shoes on a string over the arched en- 7 8 A POOR ]\IARRIED MAN. trance in L. wall. The sJioes hang just at the height to strike anyone in the face icho enters. Bright music. The Wedding March from Lohengrin {or similar music) played loud and fast, to take up the curtain. After rise there is a slight pause, tJie characters on stage all ivorking busily, laughing, etc. Billy (^/7^ on ladder and surveys his completed work). There, I guess that's all right. {Looks around stage.) Some hot reception for the newly-weds, what? They'll be here pretty soon ; the train is just about due now. Enter Rosalind Wilson from L., dodging the hanging shoes. She carries small notebook and pencil. Rosalind. Hello, folkses. (Looks around and laughs.) Say, it's great. Perfectly killing. You ought to have a medal. ( Writes in book.) "The house was decorated in old gold silken draperies and cream tea roses." I'm going to give them the biggest write-up that ever appeared in the Student. {May change name to local paper.) This is my first wedding and Tm going to be a credit to my paper. Billy {descending). See, Rosalind here's the bride. {Points to dummy.) Get onto her curves. Rosalind (at L.C.). The bride? (Sees dummy.) Oh, Billy, she's a dream. {IVrites.) "The bride wore a beau- tiful going-away gown of the new putty broadcloth, edged with cerise suede and a duck of a hat. Her entire appear- ance showed at a glance that she has admirable taste as well as youth and beauty. She will be a most welcome addition to the younger faculty set of the college." Billy (at L.). Say, the train ought to be in by now. Rosalind (turns to him). It is. Came in five minutes ago. I just caught a glimpse of the wedding ]Kirty. Pro- fessor Wise looked too happy for words. Everyone in town is down at the station with megaphones, dinner bells and fish horns. I never heard anything like it. Billy. Come on. We're missing something. Hurry ! (Runs out L. foUozved by other students.) Rosalind. I wonder if they've opened the presents yet. I suppose not. The bride will want to do that herself. A POOR MARRIED MAN. » 9 What will she think of us? Well, I should worry. She certainly is receiving a warm welcome. Enter Jupiter Jackson from L. He zvears a cook's zvhite apron and carries a broom and dustpan. He gets tangled zvith the hanging shoes. Dodges around them, hits at them with broom. Falls, etc. Sits on floor. Jupiter (slozvly). Well, I'll be dog-goned. Ain't dem students just scandalous? I wonder what de professor's goin' to say? Rosalind. Good morning. Jupiter (rises). Good morning, lady. Is you want something ? Rosalind. Oh, no. I'm a reporter on the Daily Stu- dent. I'm covering the home coming. Jupiter (stupidly) Covering what? Rosalind. Writing about the wedding. It's all right. Professor Wise knows me. I'm Miss Wilson. Jupiter. Say, you didn't hang all dese-yere decoxiations round here, did you? Rosalind. Oh, no. I'm perfectly innocent. Jupiter. What does all dese yere signs say? Looks like a grocery store on Saturday night. Rosalind. Well, this one says, "Oh, You Kid," and this one "Because I'm Married Now." They're wedding presents from the students. Jupiter (looks around slowly, then slozvly speaks). Well, I'll be dog-goned. Rosalind. The professor and his wife have just arrived. Jupiter. Is dey? Here, lemme get to work. I'll bet he'll think I did all dis yere fooling. Where is he at? Rosalind. Down at the station. Jupiter. Jes' look at dem shoes. Ain't dat scandalous? Say, I got to take 'em down. Rosalind. Nonsense. Leave them alone. The profes- sor will be delighted. Jupiter. Delighted? Yes'm, dat's so. He'll jest about delight on my head wif a broomstick. Dat's what he'll do. Something's goin' to happen, kase I feels it in my bones. 10 A POOR MARRIED MAN. (Cheers heard in distance.) Rosalind. Oh, they must be coming. I've got to see the fun. (Goes to L.) Jupiter (folloimng her). Yes'm ; but what'll I do? (As Rosalind exits L. she szmngs shoe back, striking Jupiter. After pause). Well, I'll be dog-goned. Say, I got to clean up all dis muss. (Gets down on knees, szveeps dirt in dustpan. JJ'orks around to chair, sees shoe of the dummy and skirt, but nothing else as the chair is facing the other way.) 'Souse me, lady, but I got to clean up in here. (Pause.) 'Scuse me, but de professor don't 'low nobody here today 'cause he's jest got married. (Pause, turns, looks at chair distrustfully.) Humph, she ain't saying much. (Rises, zvorks around stage, finally bumps into chair containing dummy.) 'Scuse me, lady. Maybe she's asleep. (Turns chair around.) Umm-umm ! (Pause, he examines dummy, then smiles.) Well, I'll be dog-goned. (At R.) Enter from L. Mrs. Iona Ford, carrying tivo grips. She runs into shoes, drops grips, runs into ladder, uttering exclamations, finally sinks in chair dozvn L. Mrs. F. Heavens! Where am I? What is it? A lu- natic asylum? Jupiter (comes C.). Is you want something, lady? Mrs. F. Colored man, colored man, what docs all tliis mean ? Jupiter. White lady, white lady, dog-goned if I know. Mrs. F. Is this a lunatic asylum? Jupiter. No, lady, it's only a college town. Mrs. F. Well, that's all the same thing. Are you the servant here? Jupiter. Yes'm, I'se de chambermaid. Mrs. F. What's that ladder standing there for? Jupiter (carelessly) . Nothing at all, nothing at all. Jes decoriations. Mrs. F. Oh, I'm flustrated, frustrated! Jupiter. Say, lady, is you looking for Professor \\'ise? Mrs. F. Looking for him. I came with him. I le's out A POOR MARRIED MAN. 11 there in the yard making a speech to the students. We just got in on the last train. Jupiter. Is you the bride? Mrs. F. Colored man. I believe I've seen you before. Didn't you use to live in Cleveland? Jupiter. Yes'm, I sure did. Born and bred in Cleve- land. Mrs. F. Your name is Jackson. You used to be the janitor in the moving picture show in Second Avenue. Jupiter. Lady, you certainly is a mind reader or a for- tune teller. I sure did. Mrs. F. Don't you remember me ? I used to have golden hair in those days. That was six years ago. I took the tickets. Jupiter. Did you? (Slozvly.) Well, I'll be dog-goned. Course I remembers. You was Mis' Clark. Say, what eber became ob your husband ? Mrs. F. Oh, don't ask me. He disappeared. Jupiter. Yes'm, I knows he did. Poor business, money all a goin' out and none comin' in. He ate some lobster salad one afternoon, an' good-night, nobody eber heard tell ob Mistah Clark again. Mrs. F. Then I moved to Dayton. Jupiter. And now you'e here. Well, I'll be dog-goned. Where's de professor? Mrs. F. Making a fool of himself. Say, tell me, is he a drinking man? Jupiter. No, ma'am, no ma'am. He belongs to de white ribboners Woman's Christmas Temperance Society. Don't neber touch a drop. Don't eben allow it on de premises. But I got a little in de kitchen dat I keeps for medicated purposes, an' if you wants a little — Mrs. F. The idea ! I never touch it. But as we were coming from Niagara Falls the professor had the tooth- ache. A traveling man gave him some medicine in the smoker. He said it was medicine, but I've been married too long to believe everything I hear. Honestly, I believe the professor has had a drop too much. Jupiter. Well, I'll be dog-goned. Ain't dat scandalous? 12 A POOR MARRIED MAN. Mrs. F. Show me to my room. The best in the house. Then come back here and remove these signs and things. Remember that I am mistress here, and I won't allow any such carrying on. Here, take these grips. Now, where's my room? Jupiter. Right in here. Dis way to de bridal chamber. (Exits R.) Mrs. F. (looks around). Oh, those students ought to be tarred and feathered. And the professor in such a state ! I never would have dreamed such a thing. (Exit R.) Enter Zoie from L., dodging shoes. She carries ghps, etc. Zoie. Oh, how disgusting! The professor is making a fool of himself in front of all the students. And I thought he was going to be an ideal husband. {Looks around.) Oh, what insolence! What insufferable insolence! I wonder where the servants are. Oh, I wish I were back again in Niagara Falls. I wish I'd never laid eyes on John B. Wise. (Calls.) Mamma, mamma! Where are you? Mrs. F. (off stage at R.). Here I am. Come in here, Zoie. Zoie. All right. Oh, mamma. I'm so disappointed, so terribly disappointed ! Mrs. F. appears at door at R., combing a hair switch. Mrs. F. Brides always are, my dear. But don't you worry. I'll tame this tartar. Just leave everything to me. I'm a woman of experience. (Cheers and noise out L.) Zoie. Oh, just listen. John's making a fool of himself. Mrs. F. What else can you expect? He's a man, and all men are alike. Come with me. I'll make you a cup of tea and v/e'll have a little lunch. And as for John, well, you just leave John to me. (Escorts Zoie out at R.) Pause. Loud applause and cheers from L. Enter Pro- fessor John B. Wise, loaded doivn zvith grips, umbrella, hat box, strapped shaivl, bird-cage, bundles, etc. He runs into the dangling shoes and staggers, fie is under the in- A POOR MARRIED MAN. 13 Huence of liquor. He gets tzmsted in dangling ribbons. Drops bundles, tries to recover them, falls spraivling. Sloivly sits up and shakes his fist at the dangling shoes. Wise. Shay, I wonder who threw those shoes at me? They seem to be floating around in the air and refuse to light. Oh, that was the most pecuhar toothache medicine I ever saw. (Slowly.) It makes me feel so funny. So very, very funny. And this is my wedding day. I wonder where my little wifie is? Oh, I guess little wifie's all right, •all right. Iler mother will take care of her. (Sees ladder.) Well, look at that. Maybe I'm in the wrong house. I never knew we had an upstairs in our house. I'd better go up- stairs and investigate. (Rises unsteadily, tries to climb ladder, gets feet through holes betzveen steps, etc. Finally falls and oz'erturns ladder.) Shay, there must have been an earthquake. It's very peculiar, so very, very peculiar. (On floor near dummy.) Shay, next time I get married I'm not going to allow anyone to give me any toothache meflicine. (Sees dummy's feet.) Someone is here. (Rises zvith diffi- culty, tries to act dignified.) I beg your pardon. (Pause.) I shay, I beg your pardon. (Pause.) Yes, it's a delightful* day, (Pause.) What say? .Were you looking for anyone? Madam, you are acting most peculiarly — most peculiarly. (Struggles over zvord "peculiarly.") I shall have to ask you to leave my house. (Staggers toivard dummy, szvays, loses balance and sits on dummy.) Great heavens! (Rises zvith difficulty.) What have I done? I beg pardon, madam. I humbly beg your pardon. It's an excess of toothache. Will you forgive me? (Pause.) Please forgive me. (Kneels and takes sleeve of dummy.) Great heavens, madam, you've forgotten to put your arm in your sleeve. (Waz'es sleeve in dummy's face.) Naughty, naughty lady! (Looks at dummy closely.) What a peculiar expression. (Reads sign.) "The Bride." (Faces audience and straight- ens up.) Not if I know myself. (Grabs dummy.) Come on; we'll dance a little turkey-trot. (Dummy falls to pieces.) Say, you are acting most peculiarly. (Kicks pieces aside.) It's a student joke. They have a peculiar sense of humor. 14 A POOR MARRIED MAN. Well, I'll g^o to my room and get a drink of water. (Starts '^ Enter Mrs. Ford from R. Mrs. F. So, there you are ! Wise. Yesh, little wifie, here I am. Mrs. F. You brute ! You beast ! Wise. I made a little mistake. It isn't little wifie at all. It's little wifie's mother. Mrs. F. Did you bring all the baggage? Wise. Yes, madam, I did. I don't think I've forgotten a thing. (Points to L.) There it is. Mrs. F. Where is Socrates? Wise. Socrates? What Socrates? Mrs. F. My Socrates. My darling little Socrates. Wise. Mrs. Ford, Mrs. lona Ford, I didn't know you had a darling little Socrates. (Shakes finger at her.) Madam, this is grave, very, very grave. Mrs. F. I mean my little dog Socrates. What have you done with him? Wise. Madam, I am not a dog trainer. Your little dog Socrates has escaped. Mrs. F. (crosses to L.). What! You've allowed my little pet to escape. And in a strange town. Oh, he'll be lost to me forever. Go out and find him. Enter Zoie from R. Wise (at C). I refuse to do anything of the sort. I'm going to my room. Zoie. John, you'd better let me call the servant and have him help you. Come, dear. (Takes his arm.) Mrs. F. (takes his L. arm). You come with me. You must help me find my little darling. Zoie (pulling Wise to R.). You must go to your room at once. You need a doctor. Mrs. F. (pulling him to L.). Nonsense. He's got to find Socrates. ZoTE. Oh, mamma, what will the students say if he goes out there looking like this? Come with me. {Pulls him to R.) A POOR MARRIED MAN. 15 Mrs. F. I won't allow it. Think of poor little Socrates all alone in a strange town. {Pulls Wise violently to L.) ZoiE. Mamma! {They scuffle. j^iiUing Wise first one tcav, then anotlier.) Wise. Say, what do you think I am? A wish-bone? Enter Jupiter from R. Mrs. F. Jupiter, go right out in the yard and see if you can find my little dog Socrate*. Wise. Hello, Jupiter. Here I am home again. Shay, Jupe, go out and buy me a bottle of champagne. Buy two bottles. Buy a dozen bottles. Jupiter. Well, Fll be dog-goned. Zoie. Come, John dear. You are not yourself this morning. {At R.) Mrs. F. Oh, I am so worried about my dear little doggie. He's all alone in a strange town. Go right away, Jupiter. Jupiter. Yes, ma'am, Fm on my way. Wise. And don't forget the champagne, Jupiter. Jupiter. Forget it? Say, Mistah Professor, dat's one thing dat Fll remember to my dying day. Zoie. Come, John, you'd better have a Turkish bath. Wise. Yes, my lamb, Fm coming. {Exit R. Tvith7.oiE.) Mrs. F. Have a thorough search made for Socrates at once. Then clean up this room. I never saw anything like it. Oh, would that I had never seen that horrid professor's face. Would that I had never seen his face. {Exits R. tveeping.) Jupiter {looks after her). Well, Fll be dog-goned. Here's old Mis' Clark dat I knowed up in Cleveland done married to de professor. An' the Lawd only knows what be- come ob her other husband. She fed him some lobster salad one afternoon and den, good-night ! Nobody eber heard tell ob dat man again. Mighty scandalous, mighty scandalous ! Enter Billy from L. with a dog on chain. Billy. Hello, Jupe. Say, did you lose a dog? Jupiter. Is dat dere young hippopotamus our little pet dog Socrates. 16 A POOR MARRIED MAN. Billy. This is the dog the professor was leading. Jupiter. Well, den he's ours. He belongs to our bride. Billy. They say she's a dream all right. Jupiter. Looks more like a nightmare to me. He mar- ried old Mis' Clark dat I used to know up in Cleveland. She brung another woman with her. Dog-goned if dis yere whole house ain't full ob women. Billy. What'll I 'do with the dog? Jupiter. Jest hold him, jest hold him. And hold him tight I don't like de way he looks at me. Seems like he's just yearning for a piece ob dark meat. I'll send the lady to you. Billy. No, you take him. Jupiter (retreating to R.). No, sah, no, sah. I got to carry dis step-ladder. Hold him tight. You'll git a reward. (Exit R. with ladder.) Billy. Poor old professor. He's probably married a woman old enough to be his mother. Enter Mrs. Ford from R. Mrs. F. Ah, my little Socrates! Come to mother, pre- cious ; come to mother. Billy. Mrs. Dean! Mrs. F. Billy. Blake! \Miat are you doing here? Billy. Fm a senior here at college. How's Zoie? Mrs. F. Oh, Zoie's all right. She's here with me. Billy. Is she? Great! I suppose you've heard about Uncle Andy dying and leaving me all his money ? You can't object to me now. I was going to drop over to Dayton and surprise you next week. Can I see Zoie ? Mrs. F. Of course. So your Uncle Andy is dead, is he? I'm so glad. I mean, I'm so glad he left you all his money. Come, Socrates, mother's precious. I'll send Zoie to you. Just wait here. (Exit R.) Billy. So Mrs. Dean has hooked onto the innocent pro- fessor, has she? It's too bad. Why, she's old enough to be his mother. I wonder whatever became of Mr. Dean. Queer case. Ate some lobster salad one afternoon and never was heard of since. Everybody in Dayton was talk- A POOR MARRIED MAN. 17 ing about Mrs. Dean, but Zoie was an angel, and to think she's here with her mother. Some girl, Zoie, some sweet damson plum. {Seated dozi'Ji L.) Enter Zoie from R. She comes behind him and puts her hands over his eyes. Zoie. Who is it? BiLLv. Zoie! {Rises, takes both her hands.) Zoie, my, but I'm glad to see you. {Starts to embrace her.) Zoie {dodging him). Now, Billy. I won't allow that. Billy. You didn't use to be so particular in Dayton. Zoie. But we're not in Dayton any longer. You went away and forgot all about me. Billy. I guess you know why I went away. Your mother thought I wasn't rich enough for her daughter. Then I went to see your father, but he had disappeared. Zoie. Yes, poor father. He was always disappearing. Billy. Then I saw Mrs. Dean again, but she said, "You get," and I got. Zoie. You weren't very brave, Billy. Billy. Who could be brave with your mother? But everything's all right now, Zoie. My Uncle Andy is dead and has left me all his fortune. Zoie. Oh, Billy. {Holds out her hands. He takes them.) You dear ! Billy. And you still care for me? Wise {outside R.). Zoie, Zoie, come here. Zoie {alarmed). It's the professor. I had forgotten all about the professor. Wise {outside R.). Come here and get this blamed dog. He's chewing a hole in my Sunday trousers. Zoie. Yes, John. Excuse me, Billy. Wait here a mo- ment ; I'll be right back.' Business before pleasure. {Exit R.) Billy. It's a wonder he wouldn't call his wife to wait on him instead of Zoie. Poor Johnny Wise. It's pretty tough on the professor to have married an old lady like Mrs. Dean. Heavens, he must have been hypnotized. Enter Wise from R. ivith towel bound round his head. 18 A POOR MARRIED MAX. He is weak and totters slightly, but all signs of intoxication have vanished. Wise {goes to table, throws floivers from vase; drinks ivater from vase zcith great satisfaction.) Oh, that's just what I wanted. Billy (slaps him on back, Professor collapses.) Hello, prof. Wise. Great heavens. I thought it was my wife. Billy. I just dropped in to bid you welcome home. You and your bonnie little bride. Wise. Thank you, Billy. Say, she's all right, isn't she? I don't see how a sweet young thing like her ever married a slow old fogy like me. Billy. Sweet, young thing! She's all of that and then some. I used to know her in Dayton. Her name was Dean then. She owned a moving-picture theater. \\'iSE. Dean? Oh, no. Her name was Ford. I met her in Niagara during the holidays. Case of love at first sight. Met her on Friday, proposed the next Friday and married her today. Billy. And today is Friday. Friday the thirteenth. A\^iSE. We were married this morning. It was very ro- mantic. Billy. Her former husband used to be quite a friend of my uncle. Wise (horrified). Her /or;//rr husband? Billy. Sure. Adolphus Dean. He disappeared very mysteriously. It seems that the business was going to the dogs, creditors were hounding him. So one afternoon he disappeared. Wise. Surclv you are mistaken. My wife has never been married before. Billy. Oh, yes she has. I was talking to her just a moment ago. She has a charming daughter. One of the most charming girls I ever met. Wise. A daughter? My wife has a daughter? Billy. Of course, she has a daughter. Didn't you know it? Maybe your wife lias been i)assing her ofif as a sister. A POOR MARRIED MAN. 19 Wise. Oh, Billy, I am getting so confused. I'm not very well today. I had the toothache and a drummer gave me some medicine on the Pullman. I've had the queerest sensations ever since I took that medicine. Billy. Professor, I don't want to alarm you needlessly, but the people in Dayton had grave suspicions about your wife. In fact it was rumored that she did away with her husband. Wise {frightened). Did away with him? What do you mean? {Nervously goes to Billy and grasps his arm.) What do you mean — did away with him? Billy. Oh, nothing. She gave him some lobster salad one day, and no one ever heard of Adolphus Dean from that day to this. {Laughs.) I guess it's all a fairy tale. Only, if I were you I wouldn't eat any of her lobster salad. But her daughter is the sweetest girl — Wise. Say, how old is the daughter? Billy. I should say about twenty. Wise. Great heavens! How old is my wife? Billy. That's what many a man would like to know. She must be — {thinks) well, let me see — Wise. Yes, yes ! Billy. Well, if her daughter is twenty, she must be — {pause) she must be at least twenty-one. (College bell rings.) Oh, there's the bell. I've got a class in history. See you later, professor. I'll come back for lunch. Thank you. Oh, no ; I've no other engagement. You see your daughter has made a big hit with me. See you in about half an hour. (Exits L.) Wise. My daughter has made a big hit with him? My daughter? The boy must be crazy. I was only married at seven o'clock this morning. I haven't got a daughter. And then that lobster salad story. Bah ! Billy's trying to play one of his practical jokes on me. Enter Mrs. Ford from R. Mrs. F. Oh, there you are! Wise. Yes. here I am. Mrs. F. Professor, this will never do ; this will never 20 A POOR MARRIED MAN. do. You must discharge your cook at once. She doesn't even know how to broil a beefsteak. And I never saw such a kitchen. You must discharge her at once. Wise. But how can we eat? Mrs. F. Leave it to me. Tomorrow I'll get you a cook. This afternoon I'll give you a sample of my own culinary art. I have it! I'll make you a nice lobster salad? Wise (jumps). Lobster salad? Mrs. F. Yes. Aren't you fond of lobster salad? Wise. No, madam, I never eat lobster salad. I never allow a lobster salad in my house. I never taste lobster salad. I won't have it. You shan't do it. Mrs. F. Mercy! Don't get excited. I'll make the salad and Zoie and I will eat it. But you just wait till you taste it. Then you'll change your mind. One taste will be enough — Wise. I won't taste it. One taste will probably be too much. Oh, Mrs. Ford, Mrs. lona Ford, I never thought it of you. Where is my wife's other husband ? Where is he, I say? Mrs. F. (retreating before him). Your wife's other hus- band ? What do you mean ? Wise (zvalking faster toward her, she retreating around stage). And where is my wife's daughter? Her twenty- year-old daughter? Mrs. F. (very much alarmed). Heavens, the man is mad ! Zoie has married a lunatic. Wise. She poisoned her other husband and now you arc trying to poison me. Mrs. F. Help! Help! Murder! (Runs out R.) Enter Jupiter, running on from R. Jupiter. Yas'm, what is it? Docs you want me. Mis' Clark ? Wise. Mrs. Clark? What do you mean by Mrs. Clark? (To Jupiter.) Who is Mrs. Clark? Jupiter. Your wife is Mrs. Clark ; dat's who it is. T used to know her up in Cleveland. Her name was Mis' Clark in dose days. A POOR MARRIED MAN. 21 Wise. Oh, it was? Are you sure it wasn't Dean? Jupiter. No, sah ; it was Clark. I used to work for her husband. Wise. What! You worked for my wife's husband? In a moving-picture show ? Jupiter. Yas, sir. He disappeared one afternoon, ate some salad and nobody eber heard tell of Mistah Clark no more. Wise. What kind of salad? Lobster? Jupiter. Yas, sir. Dat's it. It all came out in de news- papers. Wise. And what became of Mrs. Dean? . Jupiter. T ain't know no Mis' Dean. Her name was Clark. I was talking to her a little while ago. Yas, sir ; her and her daughter, too. Wise. I wonder how many husbands my wife has had? And how many daughters? Great heavens, what am I up against? (Jupiter starts to door L.) Where are you going? Jupiter. Going to get dat champagne before you for- gets dat you ordered it. Wise. Very well. Bring a case. Jupiter. Yas, sir. I'm gone. Wise. And hurry. Jupiter. I'll go so fast dat I won't hear myself run. {Exit slozvly at L.) Wise. Fool that I was to marry a girl I had known only for a few weeks. Married to Dean in Dayton and to Clark in Cleveland. Great heavens, and she acts so young and innocent. I wonder what happened to Dean and Clark? She must be a modern Lucrezia Borgia. I'd better pack my grips and make a mysterious disappearance myself. (Starts to R.) Enter Zoie from R. zvith dog on chain. ZoiE. Oh, John, I want you to take Socrates out for his morning airing. Poor little, delicate doggie hasn't had a breath of fresh air for over an hour. 22 A POOR MARRIED MAN. Wise. Yes, my love. I was just thinking of that very thing. ZoiE. You know you are to take Socrates out for an airing every two hours. Wise. What ? ZoiE. Yes, indeed. He's such a deHcate dear, it's what the doctor ordered. Wise (takes dog and starts to L., turns). By the way, my dear, did you ever know a man in Dayton named Dean — Adolphus Dean? ZoiE (co)ifiised). Why — er — er— I don't think so. T knew so many people in Dayton, but I don't recall that name. Wise. Oh, nothing at all. Nothing of importance. Probably you used to know Mr. Clark of Cleveland? ZoiE. John, that's unkind. There are some things that should never be mentioned. Some things are too sad to recollect. Surely you won't make me sad on our wedding day? Wise. There, there, Zoie ; it was all a jest. Come, dear, do you know you haven't even given rtie a kiss since we were married. He starts to embrace Jier. Enter Mrs. F. from R. Mrs. F. Zoie, what are you doing? ZoiE. Why, nothing at all, mamma. Mrs. F. We have no time for billing and cooing. I never saw such a house. I have just discharged the cook. Wise [blustering). Discharged my cook? Madam, I want you to understand that I am master here. I won't have any interference. Mrs. F. Oh, hear him. Listen to the man. J<^hn Wise, I think you are still under the influence of that toothache medicine. Zoie, I fear your husband is mentally unbalanced. Wise. But, Mrs. Ford— Mrs. F. Don't argue with me. I won't have it. Wise (starts to speak). Mrs. F. Not a word. Take Socrates for a walk on the campus. A POOR MARRIED MAN. 23 Wise, Madam, I — ZoiE. Oh, John, don't quarrel with mamma on our wed- ding day. Wise (raises fists). Thunderation ! (Calmly.) Come, Socrates, we'll take a little walk down by the river and I'll throw you in. (Exit L.) Mrs. F. Zoie, that man is a lunatic. He said you had been married before and wanted to know where your daughter was. Zoie (alarmed). Oh, mamma! Mrs. F, That's what comes of marrying a man you've only known three weeks. Zoie. Now, mamma, you insisted on the wedding. It was all your fault. Mrs. F. I thought it was going to be a good match, but I fear I have made an awful mistake. Oh, if you had only married Billy Blake. His Uncle Andy has left him all his money. Zoie. Yes, I know\ But it's too late now. Mrs. F. Is it? Are you sure? Zoie. What do you mean? Mrs. F. Does Billy Blake still care for you ? Zoie (bashfully hangs head). I think he does, mamma. Mrs. F. And you still care for him? Zoie. I think I do, mamma. Mrs. F. And he's worth fifty thousand at least. Zoie. But I'm married, now. What would the professor say? Mrs. F. I tell you the professor is crazy. I am sure of it. Have you unpacked your things? Zoie, Not yet. I haven't had time. Mrs. F. Don't do it. Here, take down those signs and shoes and things. (They remove decorations zvhile talk- ing.) Maybe I can secure a separation. I'm sure the pro- fessor is mentally unsound. Just think how he acted on the cars. Zoie. He had the toothache. Mrs. F. I don't believe it. Zoie, you're married to a monomaniac. He drinks and raves about your other hus- 24 A POOR MARRIED MAN. bands and your daughters. We must leave this house at once. ZoiE. But I haven't had a thing to eat since breakfast. Mrs. F. And I've discharged the cook. I'll go to the kitchen and prepare a meal. You go to your room and pack everything you can find. ZoiE, But, mamma — - Mrs. F. Don't but me. Leave everything to me. I'm a woman of experience. Come. (Exits R., carrying shoes, signs, etc.) ZoiE. I don't know what to do. Oh, I wish I'd never left Niagara Falls. I'm perfectly miserable. (Cries.) Enter Billy, folloived by Rosalind from L. Billy. Hello, Zoie. ZoiE (brightening 7'isibly). Billy! Billy. I want you to meet Miss Wilson. She's our college reporter. Rosalind. How do you do. So glad to welcome you to our little college town. Zoie. Thank you. (Crosses to R.) I'll find mamma. Excuse me. (Exits R.) Billy. Ain't she a little cjueen? I used to know her in Dayton. Rosalind. She's a darling. It's a wonder the professor didn't marry her instead of the mother. Billy. Awful thought. He's too old for Zoie. Rosalind. But isn't he too young for the mother? BillV. Oh, I don't know. The mother is a very de- termined woman. And if she once sets her cap for a man. it's good-night nurse. I think Zoie is about the cutest thing I've ever met. Rosalind. Why, Billy, that sounds like a case. Enter Zoie from R. Zoie. Mamma will be in presently. Bill^'. Zoic, I want to take you for a little walk on the campus. \\'c'vc got some dandv views. They've got a Lover's Lane here that's shady for two miles. A POOR MARRIED MAN. 25 ZoiE. But, Billy, I can't go now. Rosalind. Oh, yes, you can. I'll excuse you. I really came to call on your mother. ZoiE (gets hat. etc.). All right. Mamma is coming. Billy. Come on. Gee, but I'm glad to see you again. ZoiE. Just make yourself at home, Miss Wilson. (Exit L. with Billy.) Rosalind (looks around). I see the bride has removed the decorations. Enter Mrs. Ford from R. Mrs. F. How do you do. Rosalind (in surprise). Mrs. Smith! Mrs. F. Miss Wilson ! I had no idea you were here at college. Rosalind. This is a surprise. When did you leave Springfield ? Mrs. F. I haven't been in Springfield for a year. I went to join my daughter at Niagara Falls. After the sad disappearance of Mr. Dean — I mean Mr. Smith — I lost all interest in Springfield. Zoie had a good position at Ni- agara Falls and so I joined her. Rosalind. And have you ever heard anything from Mr. Smith? Mrs. F. Not a word. Since that fatal afternoon at the picture theater, I have never laid eyes on my husband. Poor, poor Socrates. He wasn't an ideal man, Miss Wil- son, but he had his good points. He never drank a drop. Rosalind. I got quite a story from his disappearance. I was a reporter on the Sun, you know. Of course, that lobster salad theory was all rubbish. Mrs. F. Oh, I didn't mind. It was a good advertise- ment for the theater. Folks thought I poisoned Mr. Smith (Laughs.) Perfectly absurd, wasn't it? Rosalind (laughs). Perfectly ridiculous. Mrs. F. But for two months after he disappeared busi- ness was great. We had a packed house at every per formance. Rosalind. Yes, I'm sure vou did. 26 A rOOR MARRII'.D MAX. Mrs. F. And to think of meeting you here. (Sniffs.) What is that? Rosalind. It smells like something hurning. Mrs. F. Heavens ! 1 left two pies in the oven. I dis- charged the cook this morning. Excuse me. (Runs out R.) Rosalind. So Professor Wise has married the widow of the mysterious Mr. Smith. How absurd. Enter Wise from L. W' ISE. I took little Socrates out on the pier and dropped him in the lake. It's good night, little Socrates. Rosalind. Good morning. Wise. Why, Miss Wilson, how do you do. Rosalind. I just called to get a little story for the paper. It turned out that your wife and I were old ac- quaintances. Wise. Indeed? Rosalind. Yes, I used to know her in Springfield. She was a Mrs. Smith. Wise (jumps up). Smith? Did you say Smith? Rosalind. Yes, she and Mr. Smith ran a moving-picture show. Wise. Wasn't the name Clark? Or Dean? Rosalind. Oh, no. It w^as Smith. Wise (timidly). And what became of Mr. Smith? Rosalind (hesitates). Why — cr — he went away. Wise. Disappeared mysteriously? Rosalind. I believe he did. Wise. After eating a dinner? Rosalind. That was the report. But of course there was nothing in it. Wise. I'm not so sure. Let me see. It was chicken salad they had. wasn't it? Rosalind. No, lobster. Wise (^vildly). Help! Help! I knew it; I knew it! Rosalind (alarmed). What is it? What has happened? You are ill. Wise. Oh, no. Nothing at all. I never was better in A POOR MARRIED MAN. 27 my life. Just a little excited ; that's all. I'm always ex- cited on my wedding day. Rosalind. You'd better see the doctor. Well, I must be goin^^. Wise (grasps her ivrist). Don't go yet. Tell me more about Mr. Clark. Rosalind. Clark? Wise. No, I mean Dean — I mean Ford — I mean Smith. I don't know what I do mean. Rosalind (edges tozvard door L., z-ery iiiiich alarmed). Oh, professor, you are acting so strangely. Wise. Don't leave me liere. I don't want to be mur- dered. Send for the police. Get a detective. Don't leave me. Rosalind. Great heavens! (Exit L.) Wise. I can see my finish. I'll telephone to the police station. I have married a hinnan man-eater. She has been married to every name in the telephone book. (Sinks in chair at L.) And I thought this was going to be the hap- piest day in my life. Enter Mrs. Ford from R. Mrs. F. (looks around). Why, where is Miss Wilson? Wise. Gone. She has been telling me some of the family secrets. Mrs. F. Indeed? Well, she had little to do. Wise. She added another to my wife's long list of hus- bands. Mrs. F. Perfectly absurd. Why, she never knew your wife. Zoie was in Niagara when I was in Springfield. But where is Socrates? Wise. I think Socrates is having a visit with the mer- maids. Mrs. F. My darling doggie ! What has become of him ? Wise. He fell off the pier into the lake. Mrs. F. Why didn't you jump in after him? Wise. Not me. I can't swim. Mrs. F. (tearfidly). Neither can Socrates. Wise. Thank heavens! 28 A POOR MARRIED MAN. Mrs. F. -Oh, you brute. I believe you drowned him on purpose. I wish I had never laid eyes on you. Wise. And so do I. Mrs. F. It was a sorry day when Zoie saw you. Wise. Yes ; a sorry day for me. Mrs. F. Oh, listen to him. We'll leave your house. We'll get a divorce. Wise. Go as far as you like. Then she can go back to one of her other husbands. And her daughter. Billy Blake says she has a daughter. Mrs. F. Oh, I'll not listen to you! (Crosses to door at R.) I'll pack my things and take the first train for Reno. Oh you villain ; you dense, deep, double-dyed villain. (Exit R.) Wise. Well, I hope I can get rid of her as easy as I did the dog. Maybe I could drop her off the pier. Enter Jupiter from L., earry'mg basket and leading wet dog. Jupiter. Here he is, boss. Here's your little dog. I found him. Wise What? And the dog came back. Jupiter. Ain't you goin' to give me a reward? Wise. I'd like to break your head. Jupiter. Well, I'll be dog-goned. Wise. I have it. Take little Socrates out and tie him to that tree in the front yard and then get me my gun. Jupiter. But, say, boss, old Mis' Clark jest naturally analyses dis yere dog. He was named after your wife's first husband. Wise. He was? That settles .Socrates' hash. Fido, you're going to be a hot dog soon. Do as I told you. Jupiter (sets basket do7vij). Yes, sir. Here's de cham- pagne, boss. Wise. Never mind that. Tie the dog to the tree. Jupiter. Yes, sah. I'se a goin'. Wise. Well, hurry up. Get out. Jupiter. Yes, sah. (Exit L. with dog.) A POOR MARRIED MAN. 29 Wise (takes bottle of champagne from basket). Ah, ha! That looks good. I have often heard about champagne, . but now I mean to taste it for the first time in my life. Enter Jupiter from L. Jupiter. I got him tied. Wise. Now get the gun. It's in the attic. Jupiter. Well, I'll be dog-goned. {Exit R.) Wise. I need a little stimulant to steady my nerves. (With bottle.) I wonder how you open it. Enter Jupiter fro)n R. 7^'ith gun. Jupiter. Here she is, boss. (Gives gun to Wise.) Wise. Now you open this bottle of champagne. Jupiter. Is we going to hab some champagne? Well, I'll be dog-goned. Wise (at zvindotv, levels gun out of xvindoiv). Now, good night, Socrates. (Fires gun, yelps of a dog heard outside L.) Enter Mrs. Ford xvith picture in frame. Jupiter opens bottle with loud report. It fiz.zcs over everything. He puts hand over it and tries to stop it, then falls on floor at L., trying to stop fi.':zing. Finally puts bottle to mouth and drinks it. Mrs. F. (as she enters, screams). Oh. you've killed my doggie! (Slaps picture over Wise's head, the frame hangs about his neck. Mrs. Ford faints down R. with a loud scream.) Enter Billy and Zoie from L. leading dog. Billy. It never touched him. (Hands dog to Wise.) Tableau and Quick Curtain. Second Curtain. All hold same position. Third Curtain. All bozv to audience and to each other. Fourth Curtain. Wise discovered alone with dog, pummeling him,. 30 A POOR MARRIED MAN. Act II. Scene: Same as Act I. Professor Wise discovered seated doivn L. zvith his head buried in his arms on table. Tivo glasses of champagne on tabic. Music, "A Hot Time in the Old Tozvn Tonight," or simi- lar lively air to take up the curtain. Lights on full throughout the act. Enter Billy from L., foUoived by Zoie. Billy. Here's the professor now. Wise. Ah, Billy, is that you? So you have become ac- quainted with Zoie? Billy. Oh, yes ; I've known Zoie for years. Zoie. Yes, we're old friends, John. Billy is going to stay for lunch. Wise. Of course. I'm glad you've met an old friend. {To Billy.) You knew Clark, too, didn't you? Or was it Dean ? Billy. Of course. Poor Mr. Dean ! Zoie. Now, Billy, you promised me you wouldn't re- call those painful scenes. John, don't you worry about it. ril explain everything to you sometime. Wise. Yes, you will! Zoie. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll help mamma in the kitchen. She has discharged the cook. John will entertain you, Billy. {Exit R.) Wise. How long have you known my wife? Billy. Oh, for about four years. Say, professor, how would you like to have me for a son-in-law? Wise. A son-in-law? What are you talking about? Billy. Well, if I married your daughter I'd be your son-in-law, wouldn't I ? Wise. But I haven't got a daughter. I was only mar- ried at 7 o'clock this morning. Billy. I mean your wife's daughter. I want to marry your wife's daughter. A POOR MARRIED MAN. 31 Wise. Zoie hasn't got a daughter. What are you talk- ing about? Billy. I mean Zoie. I want to marry Zoie. You haven't any objections, have you? Wise. Have I ? Well, yes, I rather think I have. This isn't Salt Lake, you know. Zoie can't have two husbands. Billy. Two husbands? Why, she isn't married, is she? Wise. Yes, I rather think she is. In fact, I'm sure of it. Billy (hotly). Show me the villain who has dared to take my Zoie away from me. Where is he? That's all I want to know. Where is he? I'll rend him limb from limb. Wise. Now, don't do that, Billy. He mightn't like it. Besides, he is a friend of yours. Billy. A friend of mine? Who is it? Wise. Keep calm, Billy. Don't get excited. Zoie's husband is here — here in this house. Billy. Where is he? Just let me at him — that's all. Wise. Well, in fact — er — that is, I married Zoie this morning. Billy. You ? You Mormon ! Did you marry Zoie and her mother both at the same time ? Wise. Not that I was aware of. I married Zoie. Her mother is simply our chaperone. . Billy. You ! Wise. Certainly. Billy. But I have loved Zoie for years and years. Wise. You should have proposed to her, then. Billy. I never got a chance. The old woman wouldn't stand for me. And to think she is married to you. (Shakes hands sadly.) Well, it's tough, old man; it's tough. Wise. Yes, I'm beginning to think it is. Billy. I suppose I'll go to the dogs now, or jump off the pier. Wise. Yes, that's where Socrates went. Billy. All my dream of happiness is over. Wise. Wait a minute. I have a remedy. Billy. What is it? 32 A POOR MARRIED MAN. Wise. The very thing. You must get married, too. Billy. To Zoie. Wise. No. To someone else. There was a charming young girl came up on the train with us this morning. A perfect little beauty. She was with an elderly gentleman, probably her father. And she had the sweetest, shy little way with her. I suppose she is a new student. Billy. No, professor. No one else can fill Zoie's place. {Takes his hand.) I am going away from here — far, far away from these painful memories ; but I would like to ask one last favor of you. I would like to have something of Zoie's for a souvenir — something that she loved — some- thing — Wise (suddenly). I have it. Take her mother. Billy. Oh, I couldn't deprive you of your chaperone. But I must go. Wise. Aren't you going to stay for lunch ? Billy. No, it would be too painful. Farewell, pro- fessor. You have won a lucky prize. Farewell, forever. (Exits L.) Wise. What a horrible flirt my wife must be. Not con- tent with having three or four husbands in different parts of the world, but she must break the heart of Billy Blake. Oh, why did I ever take it into my head to visit Niagara Falls? I'd give every cent I possess to be a bachelpr again. E7iter Doctor Graham from L., followed by JT'Ne. Tlir Doctor is a gentle mannered, kindly man of fifty-four ami June is a timid ingenue with downcast eyes and sini/'lr, quiet manner. Graham. I beg your pardon, sir, but I was told that I would find Professor Wise here. Wise (at R., comes forward with outstretched hand). I am Professor Wise. Graham. My name is Graham. Doctor Matthew Gra- ham. This is my only child. Her name is June. Wise (bows delightedly). How do you do. June (nods bashfully, standing at L.). Wise. I l^elieve I saw you in the coach this morning. A POOR MARRIED MAX. 33 We came up on the same train. {Shakes hands with Graham luarmly, looking at June.) Graham (steps so that Wise cannot see June, but she leans to one side and he to other, looking at each other. \yiSE crosses to her and shakes her liand zvarndy.) Hem! {Clears throat.) My daughter is going- to enter college. {Crosses to R.) Wise. Delighted, I'm sure. Glad to welcome you to college. June {tvith dozvncast eyes). Thank you, sir. You are very kind. Wise {to audience). She is simply irresistible. {To Graham.) I beg your pardon, but may I ask you a ques- tion ? Graham {rather surprised). Certainly. Wise. Your only child I believe you said? Graham. Yes, June is all I have left to me now. Wise. Single ? Graham. Quite. I mean, yes, she is single. Wise. Would you have any objections to her receiving the attentions of a very desirable young man? Graham. Not at all. It is the dearest wish of my heart to see June happily married. Wise. Her name is June? Graham. Yes. June Graham. Wise. June Graham, the essence of poetry. Graham. We are rather old-fashioned, June and I, and I have rather a poor country practice. But I love it and have no other ambition than to love and serve my people. But I have a great ambition for June. I want her to have advantages that I fear I shall never be able to give her. She would make an excellent wife. She is kind, affec- tionate and very modest. June. Oh, father! Graham. In short, I think she would just suit you. Wise. Suit me? Yes, I'm sure she would. But I'm not the party. You see I am married already. It was for a young friend of mine I am inquiring. He has a broken heart. 34 A POOR MARRIED MAN. June {sympathetically). Oh! Graham. Not you? I am sorry. Wise. Yes, so am I. Say, why didn't you come to town last month ? Graham. The college wasn't open then. I merely stopped in to ask you when you would be in your office? Wise. Tomorrow at eight. I hope I'll see you again. June. Oh, I hope so ! Graham. We'd better go, dear. Wise. Wait. Let me get you some flowers before you go. Graham. No, thank you. It would be too much trouble. Come, June. June {zvho has been staring at Wise, startled). Yes, father. Graham. Good day, professor. Wise. Good day, sir. June. Good bye. I hope I'll be in your classes. Wise. So do I. Tomorrow at eight. Good bye. Graham. Come, June. (At door L.) Good bye. {Exit with June at L.) Wise. What a charming girl. Oh. if I had only met her yesterday. When she said "Good bye" it was like the note of a wild bird in a cherry tree. June — June Graham. (Long sigh.) But it's too late now; it's too late now. Enter Mrs. Ford from R. Mrs. F. At last the poor darling is asleep. Wise. Who? Zoie? What's she asleep for? Mrs. F. I was referring to Socrates, my darling doggie. I gave him a mustard bath, wrapped him up in your dress- ing gown and put him to sleep in your bed. Wise. What! Madam, I object. Why, I'll be full of fleas. Mrs. F. After the way you have treated him nothing is too bad for you. Wise. I want you to distinctly understand that I am going to be the master, of my own house. A POOR MARRIED MAN. 35 Mrs. F. Your house? Bah! Nothing is yours now. You forget you are a married man. Wise. No, you never let me forget that. Ah, would I had never seen Niagara Falls. Mrs. F. You brute. And my daughter Zoie could have had her pick of a dozen men. Wise. I think she did. Mrs. F. Billy Blake is head over heels in love with her. And he is worth fifty thousand dollars. Wise. It's a pity she didn't meet him before. Mrs. F. Perhaps it is not too late yet. (Crosses to door at R.) Perhaps it is not too late yet. (Exit R.) Wise (at C). I wonder if she intends to murder me. (Takes glass of champagne from table, drinks.) Three husbands and each one disappeared mysteriously. And now the old woman says perhaps it is not too late yet. Great heavens! Fm beginning to see my finish. (Pours another glass and drinks.) Lobster salad! One reads about horrible things like that in the detective stories. Enter Zoie wearing neat cooking apron and cap. Zoie. Where's Billy? Wise. He's gone. Couldn't stay for lunch. Had a most pressing engagement. Zoie. Oh, I'm so sorry. Billy and I used to be real old-time friends. Wise. Yes, he told me. Zoie. Well, we'll just have a little picked-up lunch, then. If Billy isn't going to be here, we'll just have some lobster salad. I simply adore lobster salad. Don't you? Wise. INIe? I don't know. (Pleadingly.) Oh, Zoie. dear Zoie, don't let us have any lobster salad today. I'm so young, and we were only married this morning. Zoie. Why, what are you talking about? I'm going to the kitchen. John. I want to put the finishing stroke to the salad myself. Wise (horrified). The finishing stroke? Good night, John. (Drinks.) 36 A POOR MARRIED MAN. ZoiE. I'll show you what kind of a cook I am. (Exit R.) Wise. Horrible, horrible. I'd better take a walk in the air. My nerves are all unstrung. (Exit L.) Wise itniucdiatcly re-enters, takes bottle from table and exits L. Enter Mrs. Ford and Zoie from R. Mrs. F. (removing things from table, putting them on floor, etc.) He certainly is acting most peculiarly. Hon- estly, Zoie, I believe he is a little crazy. He says such queer things. He says you have a daughter. Zoie. I fear we have made an awful mistake, mamma. (Puts ivliite cloth on table.) Mrs. F. And my lawyer has made inquiries and Profes- sor Wise is not a wealthy man at all. Oh, why didn't you accept Billy Blake? Zoie (arranging plates, etc., on table). Because you wouldn't let me. Mrs. F. I have a plan. WtW run away from this pov- erty stricken professor. We'll go to Reno. You can se- cure a divorce in three weeks. Zoie. But what would Billy say? Mrs. F. He'll marry you the moment you are free. And just think of all his Uncle Andy's money. Zoie (arranging table). I don't care a straw about Uncle Andy's money, but I do like Billy. Mrs. F. (calling off R.). Jupiter! Jupiter! Jupiter (off R.). Yas'm. I'm coming. Mrs. F. Bring the salad. Enter Jupiter with salad dish, spoon, etc. Zoie. Here, put it down here. (.9//^ is cutting bread in 7'ery thick slices.) Mrs. F. Now open a bottle of champagne. luPiTER. Champagne? \\'cll, I'll be dog-goned. (Opens bottle.) Zoie. But where is John? T thought he was here. Jupiter, where is the professor? Jupiter. He's out" in de front yard taking a walk around the corner. A POOR MARRIED MAN. 37 Mrs. F. Well, don't stand there like a stick. Call him in. Jupiter. Yas'ni, dat's jes' what I was going to do. (Exit L.) Mrs. F. I am sure you would never be contented here in this little place, Zoie. You never were cut out for a professor's wife any more than I was. I always liked to travel from place to place. ZoiE. Just like my poor father. Mrs. F. Yes, poor, poor Socrates, I wonder where you are today. Zoie. Where was he when you last heard from him, mamma ? Mrs. F. He ran away from me — for the eighteenth time. He was taking a ship to China. And the ship (sob) — the ship (sob) went to the bottom. And poor Socrates always was such a poor sailor ; he couldn't swim a stroke. Enter Billy from L. Billy. Fve come back. Zoie. So glad, Billy. The professor said you had an engagement. Billy. Stand back ! Don't api)roach me. Oh, Zoie, my heart is broken. Mrs. F. Excuse me, children. Fm getting dinner. (Exit R.) Zoie. Who broke your heart? Billy. You did. I have just learned that you are the wife of another. Zoie. But you never asked me. You went away — you didn't write — Billy. And now it is too late. Zoie. Yes, I was married this morning. Billy. I am going away. To the wilds of Arizona. Fm going to be a cowboy. Perhaps out there surrounded by Indians and fleas I may forget you. Zoie. And do you want to forget me? Billy. It's all for the best. You are now Mrs. Wise. 38 A POOR MARRIED MAN. ZoiE. But only for the time being. I'm going to run away. Billy, Run away ! With whom ? ZoiE. With mamma. Billy. Good night ! ZoiE. We're going to Reno. The train leaves in half an hour. Please get me an expressman to take my trunks. Billy. You really mean it? ZoiE. Yes. I never could be happy with the professor. In our case marriage has been a failure. Billy. And then I may hope? ZoiE. Well, not for three weeks. Billy. Zoie! (Tries to embrace her.) ZoiE (struggling). Not for three weeks. Enter Wise from L. Wise. Zoie! What's this? Zoie. Nothing. That is, it's only Billy. Billy. Yes, it's only Billy. You mustn't mind a little thing like this, professor. Wise. Out of my house. (Turns to Zoie.) As for you, madam — Zoie. Don't talk to me like that. You are not my master. Wise. I'm your husband. Zoie. Only for the time being. Billy. I'll be back in twenty minutes. Till then (blozvs kiss to Zoie), adieu! (Exit L.) Wise. Your husband for the time being. You mean that you are going to get rid of me? Zoie. Don't get so excited. Sit down and have some salad. Wise. Lobster salad ! That's the last straw. Enter Mrs. Ford from R. and Jupiter from L. Mrs. F. (sits at tabic facing audience). Sit down. We'll have a nice little lunch. Zoie (sitting R. of table). Yes, for goodness sakes don't get excited. A POOR MARRIED MAN. 39 Wise (sits at L. of table facing Zoie). Jupe, pour me out some wine. I need a little stimulant. Jupiter. Some wine? Well, I'll be dog-goned. {IVaits on table.) Zoie. You must be hungry, John. Mamma, give him a large portion of salad. Wise. Not me. I can't eat a bite. Zoie. But you must eat some salad. I made it ex- pressly for you. (Hands him a plate.) This will put an end to all your troubles. Wise. Yes. This will put an end to me. too. (To Jupiter.) Take it away. (Hands plate to Jupiter, who puts it aside and eats salad from plate.) Jupiter. Yas, sir. (Eats rapidly.) Wise (takes empty plate and pretends to eat, takes large -mous philanthropist. Tlie compact and avowal of love. The robbery and accusation. Margaret saves Morgan's honor. "No, it wa.j Providence!" Act II. — "I wish I had a millionaire friend like Miss Ames!" Farrell luitts in. "Youse is playing a game of hearts what ain't in your contract." T\"illiams divides the spoils. Margaret defies Williams, "Wliere did you get that money?" A villian's kiss and punishment. The power of attorney. "You'll be at my feet cry- ing for mercy!" Act III. — "Who is this anonymous philanthropist?" "The New York police are looking for you!" The tables turned. "I'll get your measure all right!" Tlie story of Morgan's sorrow. "I could not forgive the woman who deceived me!" Tlie nomination and accusation. Margaret's joy. "You are indeed a man among men!" Act IV. — "This suspense is driving me mad!" The letter. "I'm on the track of the man who killed my sister!" The convict's secret. "Williams was mv pal in Sing Sing!" Margaret reveals herself. "Gee! She's an iceberg!" "How little you know of true love!" "Williams pays the penalty of treachery. Harry's promo- tion. On the royal highway. Re-Taming of the Shrew By JOHN W. POSTGATE. Price, 25 Cents Humorous Shakespearean travesty in one act; 6 males, 5 females. Time about 45 minutes. One simple interior scene. Characters: Petruchio Angelo, Duke of Illyria, Othello, Macbeth, Grumio, Katherine, Mariana, "Viola, Desdemonia and Lady Macbeth. Plot: After her w-oeful honevmoon, Katherine becomes an ardent suf- fragist and imposes household duties on Petruchio, who submits to petticoat government. At a meeting of the women, man's doom as a political or domestic power is announced. The women return to Petruchio's home to find their husbands having a high old time. A lively controversy ensues but the men win the day when they threaten to appeal" to the divorce courts. This travesty draws material from "Taming of the Shrew," "Measure for Measure, "Twelfth Night," "Othello" and "Macbeth." It retains many of the original lines from the plavs, yet most ingeniously devised to fit the conditions of todav. Costumes either Shakespearean or modern. Especially recommended for schools, colleges, etc. Re- plete with humor and should please any good club or s ociety. T. S. DENISON^^OMPANY, Publishers 154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO A Rustic Romeo By WALTER BEN HARE. Price, 25 Cents A musical comedy in 2 acts, 10 males, 12 females. Only 5 m. and 4 f. have lines. The rest are in the cliorus. It can be played by 5 m., 4 f., eliminating the chorus. It will prove equally successful when produced witliout music. Time, 2^4 liours. Scenes: 1 exterior, 1 interior. Characters: John Jabe Doolittle, the would- be heart smasher of Chowderville. Hinli Spinny, who peddles tinware, woodenware and hardware everywhere. Sid Roberts, wlio longs for the "Great White Way." Azariah Figg, storelieeper. Grandpaw Blue, tlie oldest inhabitant. Evalina Tupper, the vil- lage belle. Miss Dee, a lovelorn critter. Mrs. Spriggs, looking for the third. Honeysucl^le Spriggs, her little sunbeam. The Chowderville fire brigade and its charming society leaders, con- stitute the chorus. Contains ten exceptionally clever songs, hu- morous and sentimental. "I Want a Big-Town Girl" is set to original music. The remainder are sung to familiar college airs. "Pretty Girls," "I'm Falling in Love Again," "Moonlight Sere- nade," "John Jabe's Wedding," "Over the Banister," "The Chow- der Fire Brigade," "Gay Manhattan," "Love's Waltz" and "On the Fourth of July." A most interesting plot wound about the events of a small town, which keeps one's interest keen until Figg finally locates his $70.00 and John Jabe gets a wife. This play is a decided novelty. Directions are given with the songs, explaining in detail how the chorus may be drilled to march, form figures, pictures, etc., which are very effective, yet in the range of amateurs. A clever stage director should make this show ejua,! most metropolitan successes. Especially recommended for col- lege productions. Professional stage rights reserved and a royalty of five dollars required for amateur performance. SYNOPSIS. Act I. — Chowderville on a busy day. Honeysuckle and St. Cecelia astonish the rubes. The boy whose father was bad. "Do I look like a. tall-grass sister?" Miss Dee, a lone, lorn critter, tells of the awfulness of the world. Tlie village belle and the Rustic Romeo. "Girls, girls, girls!' A matrimonial advertisement from a clinging little blonde named Golden-haired Flossie. Hink Spin- ney tries to propose to Evalina. "If I only had $70!" Mrs. Spriggs astonishes the natives. "I'll make you think a Kansas tornado has struck your town." A moonlight serenade. The robbery. "Who stole my $70?" Act II. — John Jabe's hotel on the Fourth of July. A country wedding. Honeysuckle and the four rubes. "Skidoo is New York talk for scat." The Fairfield Road folks come to the wedding. Miss Dee's wedding present, a bottle of Miggins' Stomach Balm, good "fer every ailment in the human cistern." An unwilling bridegroom. Figg catches the thief — almost. The Chowder fire brigade. A suspicious bride with a temper. Deserted on her wedding morn. "We'll be as happy as two little twin cubebs." A double wedding and divided wedding presents. Figg recovers his $70. Patriotic finale: On the Fourth of July. "We played 'A Rustic Romeo' a few niglits ago to a packed house. A dandy play for amateurs." — Tom Conley, Luling, Texas. T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO Catchy Son^s in A Rustic Romeo I WANT A BIG-TOWN GIRL There is always some excite- ment To be found in New York town ; I want to learn to be a sport And turn things upside down. I want to win a pile of tin And liear the popping cork: I'll be a good chap, not a coun- try yap. When I strike old New York. PRETTY GIRLS Listen, listen, a secret I'll un- fold, lii.sten. listen, you're worth your weight in gold. It's love that turns the world around, Bright eyes and dainty curls. There's nothing on the earth that can Compare with pretty girls. One night I took a stroll, 'twas in September. A starlit night, no moon in sight, I saw a figure neat, if I remem- ber, Stroll in the park, 'twas rather dark. She sat alone upon a bench ap- pearing weary. As I went by, she heaved a sigh, I kissed her as I said, "Good evening, dearie!" I took a look. A negro cook! Listen, listen, she started after me, Bawling, bawling, "I'm your affinity;" It's love that turns the world around, Bright eyes and dainty curls. But I must draw the color line \\'h(n ki.ssing pretty girls. I'M FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN A sweet dainty widow, with sweet dainty ways, I'm on the lookout for a man; And thougli I had two and each one did skidoo I'm doing the best that I can To find me a third. I want a sweet boy To shield me from worry and strife. And surely in all this big bunch out in front There's someone who wants a nice wife. Chorus. I'm Iiead ov«r heels in the ocean of love, Now one of you horrible men Please be a life saver and throw me a line, I'm faling in love again. JOHN JABEZ' WEDDING Then we'll have a country din- ner, Oyster pie and cold pigs' feet, For I know John Jabez' wed- ding Will be mighty hard to beat. Uncle Ted'll play the fiddle, Marthy Patt she will pi-ann, "Swing yer pardners to the middle," Old maid .Ten has caught a man. "We gave 'A Rustic Romeo' and it was a great success. It is the best play for amateurs I have ever seen." — Sue H. Taylor, East Radford, Va. "I played a part in 'A Rustic Romeo' when it was given here last spring and it was certainly a wonderful play." — Harold E. Gilland, Clearfield, Pa. " 'A Rustic Romeo' was well received and praised very highly by the audience." — W. L. Roper, Anna, Texas. "A splendid musical drama. A record-breaking crowd wit- nessed 'A Rustic Romeo.' The play was a good one and the applause well merited." — Journal, Hannibal, Mo. T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO Parlor Matches By WALTER BEN HARE. Price, 25 Cents An engaging comedy of society, 2 acts; 4 males, 5 females. Time, 1% hours. Scene: 1 simple interior. Characters: Vance Trelford, a professional hero, who doesn't want to be engaged. Don Radey, his cousin, a serious young man, engaged, thank you. X erdinand Poppleton, a frivolous young man, liliewise engaged, .iorkes, the Initler, who may or may not be engaged. Mrs. Seltoon, who believes in engagements. Margaret Seltoon, her elder daugh- ter, engaged to Mr. Radey. Suzanne Seltoon, her younger daughter, engaged to Mr. Poppleton. Gail Lawience, her ward, engaging and eventually engaged. Abigail Mullen, A. B., her maid, tem- porarily engaged, as it were. SVNOPSIS. Act I. — A morning in June at Solitaire Villa, Dovecote. Mrs. Seltoon smootlis out the course of true love. "Whoever heard of a grass widow playing a heroine in a love scene?" "Oh, it's one of the best things they do." Mrs. Seltoon seeking a man for her niece. "What is his yearly income'.'" The butler's opinion of a woman A. B. "Near-sighted, men's shoes, short bedratabled skirts, last year's hat and a banner saying Votes for Women!" The new maid who is a graduate from the Splinterville Normal. The moving picture hero. "Women make me nervous. I always keep out of tlieir way." Symptoms of hydropliobia. "I bark, bow- wow-wow!" "His father is in oil and vinegar." "Is it a new kind of a bath?" Gail announces her engagement to the moving pic- ture hero. "He's here in town!" "Fall, O walls, and crush me!" Act n. — A dinner party. Ferdy decides to enlist in the army. A reconciliation. Abigail and Adrian Lee of the movies. "Those eyes, that nose, it's him?" "I've seen you propose in white flannels, in feathers, in full evening clothes, in a sailor suit, and in tlie garbage of a monk, and every time you've won her in the end." Gail and her fiancee. That odious Mr. Trelford. Din- ner is served. Vance Trelford learns that he is engaged. '.'I ex- pected it all along." "Yes, I begin to think that I did it myself." Sewing for the Heathen By WALTER BEN HARE. Price, 15 Cents Entertainment for 9 ladies, either young or middle-aged. Time, ■10 minutes. Can be played on any stage or platform, or even In any room. Very refined. Suitable for church or any society. Char- acters: Mrs. Judd, the hostess. Mrs. Chester, the president. Mrs. R. B. Powers, tlie stranger. Grandma Gibbs, deaf but persistent. Miss Luella Huggins, so sentimental. Mrs. Strong, a suffragist. Mrs. Meeker, gentle and good. Mrs. Day, a bride. Meelv, the hired girl. SYNOPSIS. An anxious hostess. Meely wants to serve winny-wurst sand- wiches and noodle soup. The mystery of the jardeniere. The President arrives before she is expected. "It was her hair; she hadn't got it all on yet." Red flannels for the Hottentots in the middle of Africa. A stranger in town, the rich Mrs. Powers. A trip down town. Grandma Gibbs and her ear-trumpet. The rich Mrs. Powers is mistaken for the dressmaker. The meeting of the society. A little tiff. The giddy IMiss Huggins is late as usual. A present from the men. "Sewing for tlie Heathen." T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO / •1^: DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS Price X5 Cents Each, Postpaid. Unless Different Price Is Given M. F. Documentary Evidence, 25 min. 1 1 Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min.... 4 2 Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 First-Class Hotel, 20 min.... 4 For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 Fun in a Photograph Gallery, 30 min 6 10 Great Doughnut Corporation, 30 min. 3 5 Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min.. 12 Hans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 Happy Pair, 25 min 1 1 I'm Not Mesilf at All, 25 min. 3 2 Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 Is the Kditor In? 20 min... 4 2 Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 Men Not Wanted, 30 min.... 8 Mike Donovan's Courtship, 15 m. 1 3 Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 Mrs. Carver's Fancy Ball, 40 m. 4 3 Mrs. i^tubbins' Book Agenf ^0 min .' . . , 3 2 My Lord in Livery, 1 hr.... 4 3 My Neighbor's Wife, 45 min.. 3 3 My Turn Next, 45 min 4 3 My Wife's Relations, 1 hr 4 6 Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 Obstinate Family, 40 min 3 3 Only Cold Tea. 20 min 3 3 Outwitting the Colonel, 25 min. 3 2 Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min. 6 3 Regular Fix, 35 min... 6 4 Rough Diamond, 40 min 4 3 Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 Smith, the Aviator, 40 min... 2 3 Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 Tammg a Tiger, 30 min 3 That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 Those Red Envelopes, 25 min. 4 4 Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 _ min 3 6 Treasure from Egypt, 45 min. 4 1 Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 Two P.onnycastles, 45 min 3 3 Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 Two Ghosts in White, 20 min.. 8 Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. 3 2 Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 Wanted a Hero, 20 min 1 1 Which Will He Marry ? 20 min. 2 8 Who Is Who? 40 min 3 2 Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 Yankee Peddler, 1 hr.. 7 3 VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, IMON- OLOGUES, ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. M. F. Ax'in' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.lO Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 Cold Finish, 1 5 min 2 1 Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m.l4 Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 Doings of a Dude, 20 min 2 1 Dutch Cocktail, 20 min 2 Five Minutes from Yell Col- lege, 15 min 2 For Reform, 20 min 4 Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2 1 Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. I 1 Handy Andy (Negro), 12 min. 2 Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 Home Run, IS min 1 1 Hot Air, 25 min 2 1 Jumbo Jum, 30 min 4 3 Little Red School House. 20 m. 4 Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 Mischievous Nigger, 25 min.. 4 2 Mistaken Miss, 20 min 1 1 Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min 1 1 Mr. Badgei^s Uppers, 40 min. 4 2 One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 Oshkosh Next Week, 20 min.. 4 Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10 min _ 1 Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 35 min. 2 2 Prof. Black's Funnygraph, 15 m. 6 Recruiting Office, 15 min 2 Sham Doctor, 10 min 4 2 Si and I, IS min 1 Special Sale, 15 min 2 Stage Struck Darky, 10 min.. 2 1 Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 Time Table, 20 min ;... 1 1 Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 Umbrella Mender, IS min.... 2 Uncle Bill at the Vaudeville, IS min 1 Uncle Jeff, 25 min 5 2 Who Gits de Reward? 30 min. 5 1 A great number of Standard and Amateur Plays not found here are listed in Denison's Catalogue T.S.DENISON & COMPANY, Publish8rs,154 W.Randolph St., Chicago LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 015 907 659 3 POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT BOOKS Price* Illustrated Paper Covers* 25 cents each ( 1 MM 50 cwrr f I LITTLE PEOPLE'S ■ iPLAYS/ll fT.s.OEmsotr t COMPANY ratUSHERS CHICAGO IN this Series are found books touching every feature in the enter- tainment field. Finely made, good paper, clear print and each book has an attractive individual cov- er design. DIALOGUES All Sorts of Dialogues, Selected, fine for older pupils. Catchy Comic Dialogues. Very clever; for young people. Children's Comic Dialogues. From six to eleven years of age. Dialogues for District Schools. For country schools. Dialogues from Dickens. Thirteen selections. The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. Over 50,000 copies sold. From Tots to Teens. Dialogues and recitations. Humorous Homespun Dialogues. For older ones. Little People's Plays. From 7 to 13 years of age. Lively Dialogues. For all ages; mostly humorous. Merry Little Dialogues. Thirty-eight original selections. When the Lessons are Over. Dialogues, drills, plays. Wide Awal