1u'- c i-° ++0* % & DEVILED CRABS A VAUDEVILLE ACT BY T. WANAMAKER BALANCE CHICAGO T. S. DENISON & COMPANY Publishers DEVILED CRABS CHARACTERS. Madame A Grand Opera Singer Pete A Deviled Crab Vender Place — In the Opry House. Scene — Right on the Stage. Time of Playing — About Fifteen Minutes. TYPES AND COSTUMES. Madame — A dashing soubrette, gay and attractive ; quick and lively in speech and manner. She may wear a fancy stage costume, or an evening gown. Pete — Blackface. Dull and slow-witted. Always try- ing to avoid trouble, but gradually becoming more self-con- fident. He is of the "dumbbell" type. The two parts should be played in thorough contrast to be most effective. He carries a big covered basket. The piece should be played slowly enough to bring out the comedy value, and should not be rushed. STAGE DIRECTIONS. Up stage means away from footlights; dozvn stage, near footlights. In the use of right and left, the actor is sup- posed to be facing the audience. COPYRIGHT, 1922, BY T. WANAMAKER BALANCE. 2 ©CI.D til 732 AUG 21 '22 TMP92-008596 DEVILED GRABS Scene: No scenery whatever is required, so this act may be presented in front of whatever drop curtain is avail- able, or on a bare platform if necessary. At rise, orchestra plays introduction to a concert song, Madame enters and begins singing. Meanwhile Pete has entered from the back of the auditorium with his basket, and a moment after she begins to sing, he starts calling out, "Deviled crabs, deviled crabs/' She stops singing and calls to him several times to attract his attention. When he has proceeded doum the center aisle about half way to the stage he hears her, and realizes what he is doing. Madame (angrily). Say, what do you mean by — Pete. Ma'am ? Madame. I say, what do you — Pete (awkwardly). Yassum. Madame. Wait ! Listen to what I have to say. What do you — Pete (turning). Reckon I betteh be goin' home. (Starts for door.) Madame (emphatically). No, you are not going. Don't you know that I — Pete (still on his way out). Ma'am? Madame. If you don't listen to what I have to say I shall call a cop and have you arrested. Pete (still retreating). Yassum. Madame. Come back here. Pete (having worked his way nearly to the back of the auditorium, stops and turns). No, ma'am! You don't want to buy no deviled crabs. Madame. No, I don't want to buy any deviled crabs. But you had better come here, as I said. Pete (starts shuffling toward stage). Yassum, 3 4 DEVILED CRABS Madame. What do you mean by interrupting me in my song ? Pete. Ma'am ? Madame. I want to know if you have any explanation? Pete. No, ma'am. Only deviled crabs. Madame. Do you know what you'd better do'? Pete. Reckon I betteh be goin' home. (Starts to re- treat.) Madame. Answer my question! (He stops.) What do you mean by interrupting my song? Pete. Well, Missie, I didn't aim fo' to disrupt yo* song. I was walking along outside, mindin' my own business, and I come to de do' of dis the-aytre, and I kind o' leaned against de do,' and de do' opened up, and — and hyah I is ! Madame. Yes, here you is, all right. But what are you going to do about it? Pete. I reckon I didn't hurt de do' much. Madame. What are you talking about? Pete (confused). I — I reckon I betteh be goin' home. (Starts to go.) Madame. Come back here! (He returns.) I say, what are you talking about? Pete. Ma'am? Er — yassum! I was talkin' about de same thing dat yo' was talkin' about. Madame. What was that? Pete. Disruptin'. Madame. You prevented my singing my song. Pete. You prevented me sellin' my deviled crabs. Madame. None of your impudence, you black rascal ! Pete. Yassum. Madame. That will do. Pete. Yassum. Madame. Shut your mouth, Pete. Yas — (Checks himself and claps his hand over his mouth.) Madame. Now, answer my original question. What did you mean by interrupting my performance? (Pete keeps his hand over his mouth.) Answer me! DEVILED CRABS 5 Pete. Missie, fo' de land's sake how kin I answer you wid my mouth shut? Madame. The more I talk to you, the angrier I get. Why did you come in here selling deviled crabs? Pete. I didn't sell no deviled crabs here. Madame. You didn't? Pete. No, ma'am. I jes' tried to sell 'em. Madame. Didn't you see I was trying to sing my song? Pete. Didn't you see I was tryin' to sell my deviled crabs ? Madame. You are impossible! Pete. Yassum. — Ma'am? Madame. I said, you are impossible. Pete. Don't know about dat. But I sure is uncomfort- able. Madame. Well, do you regret your discourtesy? Pete. Yassum. Madame. Do you apologize? Pete. Yassum. Madame. Are you ever going to do such a thing again? Pete (absent-mindedly). Yassum. Madame. What? Pete. I mean, no ma'am. Madame. Do you know what you are talking about? Pete. No, ma'am — I mean, yassum. Madame. What are you talking about? Pete. Deviled crabs. Madame. Don't say "deviled crabs" again. Pete. Yassum. I mean, no ma'am. (Starts to go.) Reckon I betteh be goin' home. Madame. Don't go yet. How would you like to have a job? Pete (brightening up). Yassum. I's lookin' fo' a job, I is. Madame. How about vaudeville? Pete. How about who? Madame. I said, how about vaudeville? 6 DEVILED CRABS Pete. Don't keer nothin' about Bill. I's jest lookin' fo' a job fo' myself. Madame. You don't* understand. Come up here where I can talk to you. Pete (timidly). I don't want to. Madame. You do as I say, or I'll have you arrested for breaking up my act. Pete (climbing up on to stage very awkwardly). I wish't I was out o' here wid my deviled crabs. Madame. Now answer my question. How about vaude- ville? Pete (not understanding). Yassum. I mean — well, we don't never have them things out our way. Some likes 'em stewed, an' some likes 'em fried, and then again some likes 'em boiled. I reckon dey might make pretty good hash. Madame. Do you know what you are talking about? Pete. No, ma'am. Do you? Madame. Have you ever stood up before a large crowd before? Pete. Yassum. Oncet. Madame. Well, what did you say? Pete. What did- 1 say when I stood up befo' a large crowd ? Madame. That's it. What did. you say? Pete (setting his basket down carefully). I said, "If you'll let me off dis time, I'll neveh steal anoder chicken as long as I live." Madame. You say you want a job? Pete. Yassum. What is I got to do ? Madame. Nothing. I do all the work. I am a hypno- tist. Pete (pleasantly). Yassum. (Then, as the meaning dawns on him :) I — I reckon I betteh be goin' home. (Picks up basket and starts to get down off stage.) Madame. Wait a minute, you. Pete (continuing to go). Good-by, lady; good-by. Madame. Don't you want a job? DEVILED CRABS 7 Pete (turning). I jes' suddenly remembered dat I has some deviled crabs dat remains to be merchandized. Madame. You come right back here. (Pete returns, fearfully.) Stand up here in front of me. (He comes close to her, looking around in scared fashion.) Look me in the eye. (He looks at her, and his knees tremble violent- ly.) Is there anything wrong with you? Pete. Y — Y — Yassum ! Madame, (looking at his knees trembling). Yes, I be- lieve there is. Pete. "Believe" it? Lady, I knows it! Madame. What do you think the trouble is? Pete. I ain't had time to think yet. Madame. Just keep cool. That's all ; keep cool. Pete. Keep cool? Can't you see me a-shiverin'? Madame. Don't you want to> work for me? Pete. Lady, I done lost all my cravin' fo' employment. (Picks up basket.) Madame. Not for ten dollars a week? Pete (hesitating). How much? Madame. Ten dollars a week. Pete. Not fo' one cent less dan a dollar a day. Madame (laughing). All right, then; a dollar a day. (Pete puts basket dozvn.) Now come back here. (He returns to her.) Look me in the eye. Pete. Yassum. Which eye? Madame. Oh, either eye. (She pronounces it "eye- ther!') Pete. Ma'am? Madame. Either eye ; it's immaterial. Pete. Lady, I don't only speak two languages ; United States and — (mention nearby town). Madame. Look at me! (They look at each other intent- ly and again his knees wobble.) Be quiet! Pete (scared). I ain't said a word. Madame. It won't hurt you. Pete. I know it won't. I ain't goin' to give it a chance. 8 DEVILED CRABS Reckon I betteh be goin' home. (Picks up basket and starts to go.) Madame (laughing). Well, come back. I won't hyp- notize you unless you want me to. Pete. If you don't hippopotamus me I don't git my dollar a day? Madame. Of course you don't. Pete (facing her bravely). I needs dat dollar. Lady, do yo' worst. Madame. All right. Stand there. (She places him and he stands stiffly.) Do you like jokes? Pete. Fo' a dollar a day I likes anything. Madame. I must first tell you a joke to get your mind in a state of chaos. Did you ever hear the story of the man who carried a gallon of molasses in a paper bag? Pete. No, ma'am. Madame. That's funny. Pete. How come it's funny? Madame. It leaked out long ago. (Pete remains per- fectly straight faced.) I say, it leaked out long ago. Pete. Yassum. Now does I git my dollar? Madame. I don't think you are a good subject for hyp- notism. Let me see. (Puts hand to brow, in attitude of deep thought.) I wonder if I haven't some other job for you. Aha, I have it! How would you like to travel with an animal show? Pete. Yassum. I jest loves animiles. Where is dey? Madame (pointing off stage right). Right back here behind the curtain. All you have to do is go in the cage twice a day. Pete (uncertainly). Yassum. (Looks off right.) (A great roar and crashing noise is suddenly heard from off right.) Madame (screams). Oh! My pet lion has broken out of his cage ! Come and help me catch him ! ( Grabs Pete and starts to drag him toward right.) Pete (resisting). Lady, what did you say? DEVILED CRABS • 9 Madame. The lion has broken loose! Help me catch him ! Pete (still pulling away). Reckon I betteh be goin' home. Madame. You just told me you loved animals. Pete. Not dem kind of animals. (All through this dialogue she is trying to drag him to right entrance white he resists, and the roars continue.) Madame. What kind of animals? Pete (breaking loose from her grasp and picking up the basket). Deviled crabs! (Runs off left.) (Madame exits hurriedly, right,) CURTAIN. Denison's Vaudeville Monologues Price, 25 Cents Each, Postpaid HEY, RUBE! — Monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 1 male. Time, 15 minutes. Reuben Spinach, from Yapton, visits Chicago for the first time. The way he tells of the sights and what befell him would make a sphinx laugh. KILLARNEY BLARN EY.— Irish monologue, by Harry L. New- ton; 1 male. Time, 15 minutes. Barney McGooggen's stories of himself and his friend Casey reach the apex of Irish wit. MARRIAGE AND AFTER. — Monologue, by Harry L. Newton and A. S. Hoffman; 1 male. Time, about 10 minutes. A laugh every two seconds on a subject which appeals to all. Full of local hits. ME AND MY DOWN TRODDEN SEX.— Old maid monologue, by Harry L. Newton and A. S. Hoffman; 1 female. Time, 5 min- utes. Polly has lived long enough to gather a few facts about men which are told in the most laughable manner imaginable. MRS. CLANCY'S CONFESSION.— Monologue, by Harry L. New- ton; 1 female. Time, 10 minutes. Mrs. Clancy says: "Marriage is a great institution — for the blind, as it opens the eyes quicker than anything else in the world." MY FRIEND FRITZ. — Dutch monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 1 male Time, 15 minutes. Hans Snitzer, a German but not from Milwaukee, has some funny experiences. His Turkish bath story will thaw out any audience. PETE YANSEN'S GURL'S MODER.— Swede monologue, by Char- ley Varley; 1 male.' Time, 10 minutes. Yansen is "yust" from "Min-ap-lis" where they make good Swede "yokes." SI AND I. — Country girl monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 1 female. Time, 15 minutes. Samantha Simpkins of Squashville and her beau, Si, visit Chicago. SILLY SAMMY'S SECRETS.— Country kid monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 1 male. Time, 10 minutes. A merry message of mirth sent direct from "down on the farm." A SUNNY SON OF ITALY.— Italian monologue by Harry L. Newton; 1 male. Time, 15 minutes. Dis-a country no much-a good for Italian mans. German mans he make -a all de beer; Jew mans he make-a all de money; Irish mans he made-a all de politicians and hold-a all de soft-a snap jobs. What-a you know about dat, eh? A SWIFT PROPOSITION.— Monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 1 male. Time, 15 minutes. There are various kinds of vehicles, but "A Swift Proposition" is one which will transport any audience into a realm of mirth. A TRAMP WITH A TRAMP. — Tramp monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 1 male. Time, 15 minutes. Nifty Nick, a gentleman of leisure, who tramps along a highway of mirth, where each "hand out" is a bunch of laughs. THE TROUBLES OF ROZINSKI. — Jew monologue, by Harry L. Newton and A. S. Hoffman; 1 male. Time, 15 minutes. Rozinski, a buttonhole maker, is forced to join the union and go on a "strike." He has troubles every minute that will tickle the ribs of both Labor and Capital. UNCLE BILL AT THE VAUDEVILLE.— Rube monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 1 male. Time, 15 minutes. Uncle Bill Bilkins, a wise old Rube, attends the continuous vaudeville and sees the "hull durn show." WOMEN'S WAYS. — Monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 1 male. Time, 15 minutes. There are two kinds of women of which men should beware, the married and the unmarried. Both have curi- ous wavs, which are told in a most humorous manner. WORDS TO THE WISE.— Monologue, by Harry Newton; 1 male. Time, about 15 minutes. A typical vaudeville act, which is fat With funny lines and rich, rare hits. T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 623 S. Wabash Ave., Chicago Denison's Vaudeville Sketches *'A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Price, 25 Cents Each, Postpaid BREAKFAST FOOD FOR TWO.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. Scene: Simple interior. Seldom Sells, a drummer for bottled spring water and condensed milk, and Carrie Samples, a breakfast food demonstra- tor, meet in a small freight office during a snow blockade. Once they were friends, but strangers now; however, while appeasing their hunger with their samples a reconciliation is affected. This sketch is a decided novelty and one of the most choice morsels of humor ever served. THE CABMAN AND THE LADY.— Vaudeville sketch, adapted by William D. Emerson; 2 males, 1 female. Time, 30 minutes. Played a number of seasons with great success by "Emerson, Caffray and Emerson." It is a scream. A COLD FINISH.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 2 males, 1 female. Time, 15 minutes. Scene: An interior. A cheeky life insurance agent forces himself into the home of a wealthy lady. Her attempt to get rid of him is side splitting. It has an unexpected finish which is always a great hit in vaude- ville. Really a two-part sketch, as the iceman has only a few lines. THE COUNTERFEIT BILLS.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. A long lost sailor returns and in explaining his absence to his wife, finds he has steered into rough weather. As a peace-offering he gives her a large "roll of bills" and she admits having a second husband named Bill; however both prove counterfeit. There is a dash of wit and a foam of humor in the Old Salt's tale of adventures that cannot fail to delight. DOINGS OF A DUDE. — Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 2 males, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. Scene: Simple interior. Maizy von Billion, of athletic tendencies, is expecting a boxing instructor and has procured Bloody Mike, a prize fighter, to "try him out." Percy Montmorency, her sister's ping pong teacher, is mistaken for the boxing instructor and has a "trying out" that is a surprise. A whirlwind of fun and action. FRESH TIMOTHY HAY.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. New- ton; 2 males, 1 female. Time. 20 minutes. Scene: Simple rural exterior. By terms of a will, Rose Lark must marry Reed Bird or forfeit a legacy. Rose and Reed have never met and when he arrives Timothy Hay, a fresh farm hand, mistakes him for Pink Eye Pete, a notorious thief. Ludicrous lines and rapid action. Chance for songs and specialties if desired. "We presented 'Fresh Timothy Hay' with great success." — Frank S. Wildt, Lancaster, Pa. GLICKMAN, THE GLAZIER.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton and A. S. Hoffman; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 25 minutes. Scene: Simple interior. Charlotte Russe, an actress, is scored by a dramatic paper. With "blood in her eye" she seeks the critic at the office, finds no one in and smashes a window. Jacob Glickman, a Hebrew glazier, rushes in and is mistaken for the critic. Fun, jokes, gags and action follow with lightning rapidity. A great Jew part. "Under the team name of Herbert and Elliott we are making a big hit with 'Glickman, the Glazier.' Your 'stuff' is the best ever." — C. W. Herbert, Spokane, Wash. T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 623 S. Wabash Ave., Chicago Song Numbers for Your Show Make a program of live wire hits. Prices below as indicated, postpaid. Complying with a demand for a series of musical numbers which are well adapted for interpolation in musical comedies, revues and minstrel shows, the publishers are bringing out the following care- fully selected songs, ideally suited to this purpose, for which they were especially written. Each number is in regular sheet music form, for piano and voice, with beautiful title page in colors. CARMEN, SHE WAS ABSOLUTELY CHARM IN'.— A novelty comic number with very raggy treatment of characteristic Spanish music. Splendid for ensemble as well as for solo. Price, 30 Cents. CROONIN' NEATH THE COTTON-PICKIN' MOON.— A beau- tiful southern serenade, rich in mellow chords and close harmony; excellent feature for any musical comedy or minstrel show, espe- cially for male quartet; includes quartet arrangement. Price, 30 Cents. HINDU MAN. — A cleverly worded and gorgeously harmonized oriental number that carries the weird spell of mystic India in both lyric and melody. An unrivalled production number, and will fit any program. Price, 30 Cents. GOOD NIGHT, DEAR NIGHT.— An out-of-the-ordinary ballad, characterized as a semi-classic, with piano accompaniment of un- usual beauty. Worthy of feature position on any musical program. A splendid concert number. Price, 30 Cents. I AIN'T GOT ENOUGH TO PASS AROUND.— An irresistibly funny coon song, with a blue-y accompaniment. Every bit as good as "Constantly" and "Somebody Lied," by the same writer. Every burnt cork comedian needs it. . Price, 30 Cents. OSHKOSH, B'GOSH!— A "hey rube" novelty number that is crowded with wit and unexpected twists in the lyric. Charac- teristic josh music that takes you right back to the farm, by heck! A great number for a character comedian. Price, 30 Cents. SOON I'LL BE THE CZAR OF ZANZI BAR.— Dan McGrover was a rover in his motor car. The letter that he wrote to McClusky from far off Zanzibar intimated that he was sitting on the world. A speedy number that will ring the bell for a laughing hit. Price, 30 Cents. THE SUNBEAM AND THE MOONBEAM.— A charming ballad with a novel idea charmingly expressed, and a melody with a haunting quality, combine to make this song appreciated by any audience. Includes arrangements for male and mixed quartets. Price, 30 Cents. WONDERFUL.— A whimsical love song that will fit into any mu- sical show, and is easily adapted as a double number for male and female. Equally good for male or female solo. Price, 30 Cents. YOUR LITTLE GIRL.— An appealing ballad, harmonized in catchy syncopated tempo. Excellent solo number, especially for mixed or female minstrels. Includes special chorus arrangements for male and mixed quartets. Price, 30 Cents. THE BRIDE AND THE GROOM.— This sure-fire comedy mono- logue, with musical accompaniment, has been used by America's foremost professional entertainers, but was never placed on general sale, and is now available to amateurs for the first time. Eleven pages, complete with descriptive music, 50c T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 623 S.Wabash Ave., Chicago -v - - N. MANCHESTER, INDIANA