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 PRICE, PEF TY CENTS. 
 
 Boston \5s^HErri^J::5iipARD^ ,f ublishers 
 
GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 M. QUAD, 
 
 "THE DETROIT FREE PRESS MAN. 
 
 WITH A CENTENNIAL CALENDAR, ILLUSTRATED. 
 
 
 BOSTON: 
 
 HENRY L. SHEPARD & CO., PUBLISHERS, 
 1875. 
 
■9'o'^%'', 
 
 COPYRIGHT. 
 
 HENRY L. SHEPARD & CO., 
 
 1875. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 M. Quad, " The Free Press Man," 7 
 
 Chronological . . . . . 9 
 
 Looking for the Centennial 10 
 
 Rousing a Boy 14 
 
 The Hundredth Year 18 
 
 January, with Calendar . . .20 
 
 The New Weather Reports , ... 23 
 
 February, with Calendar 25 
 
 March, with Calendar 30 
 
 April, with Calendar 33 
 
 May, with Calendar .36 
 
 June, with Calendar 42 
 
 July, with Calendar 45 
 
 August, with Calendar 5^ 
 
 September, with Calendar 54 
 
 October, with Calendar ... ....... 59 
 
 November, with Calendar . . " 63 
 
 December, with Calendar ......... 68 
 
 The Crops .7° 
 
 iii 
 
ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 " Soothing syrup," — " Sole heir to all the property," 7 
 
 " Crawled under the circus canvas," — " He was foreman of a fire company," . . 8 
 
 " Head writer on a newspaper," — " Hale, hearty and bald-headed," . . . 9 
 
 " Walking along the highway," 10 
 
 He sails in, — He sails out, ii 
 
 A volunteer, — Result of the squeeze, — The pressed, — Old-fashioned music, . 12 
 
 Taken up, — Out all night, 13 
 
 ** Solomon, it's six o'clock," 14 
 
 " Chasing a rabbit," — '* Husking corn," — " Playing baseball," — " Around the 
 
 opera house," 15 
 
 "Hammers away at him with a hair-brush," 16 
 
 M. Quad, in his stump speech, . . 18 
 
 January, . . . . . . . . . . ' . . , .20 
 
 February, 25 
 
 " I got down the gun," — " His legs loomed up like schooner's masts," . . 28 
 
 March, 30 
 
 April. 33 
 
 May, . , 36 
 
 June, 42 
 
 July, 48 
 
 August, 51 
 
 September, 54 
 
 October, • • 59 
 
 " You can't smoke in here," . , .62 
 
 November, 63 
 
 December, , , . 6S 
 
 V 
 
GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 M. QUAD, "THE FREE PRESS MAN." 
 
 A BRIEF BIOGRAPHY WRITTEN BY HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW. 
 
 There was nothing remarkable about his babyhood, except his red 
 hair. 
 
 And the great quantity of soothing syrup necessary to keep him toned 
 down. 
 
 He was born of humble parents. His father had never been on a 
 jury, delivered a Fourth of July oration, or been sued for slander, and 
 his mother had never rescued anybody from drowning, or delivered a 
 lecture on woman's rights. 
 
 He never had any brothers or sisters. He might have had in due 
 time, but his midnight howls wore his mother out when he was two years 
 old, and she went to join the angels, and left him to howl it out. 
 
 His father was accidentally shot while courting a second wife, and 
 the boy kicked the clothes off the bed to find himself an orphan. 
 
 7 
 
8 
 
 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 He was the sole heir to all the property, and the property consisted of 
 a wheelbarrow, a tooth-brush, and one or two other things. The bov's 
 uncle swooped down on the estate, stole everything but the debts it was 
 owing, and the orphan was given a grand bounce into the cold and heart- 
 less world. 
 
 But little is known of his boyhood. He probably had patches before 
 and behind, like other orphans ; wept over the grave of his mother in his 
 sad moments, and crawled under the circus canvas in his hours of sun- 
 shine. Nothing in his demeanor attracted the attention of John Jacob 
 Astor or Commodore Vanderbilt, and consequently he had more cuffs 
 than fat clerkships. 
 
 At the age of fifteen he was invited to go up in a balloon. 
 
 He didn't go. 
 
 When he was seventeen, he decided to become a pirate, but all the 
 captains on the Erie Canal discouraged him. 
 
 At eighteen he was in the Legislature, — sat there and heard a speech 
 and then left with the other spectators. 
 
 At twenty he was foreman of a fire company, but was impeached be- 
 cause he couldn't "holler " as loudly as the foreman of " No. 7." 
 
 He had just reached his majority when he led a rich and beautiful girl 
 to the altar — and handed her over to the bridegroom. He commenced 
 in that year to be a " head writer " on newspapers. Was almost daily 
 
CHRONOLOGICAL. 
 
 informed that his proper sphere was acting as governor of a State, or in 
 commanding armies, but he stuck to journalistic work. 
 
 He was funny from the start, but it took i8 years to make people be- 
 lieve it. He has had many wives, and is the father of scores of happy 
 children. Has had the cholera and small-pox, written articles ranging 
 from astronomy to the best manner of curing hams, been wrecked, shot, 
 assassinated and banished, and to-day is hale, hearty and bald-headed. 
 
 All reports about a steamboat blowing him up are canards. He blew 
 the boat up. 
 
 For further particulars see circulars. 
 
 CHRONOLOGICAL. 
 
 Up to the year 600, as I understand, no year had over five months in 
 it, and no month had over three weeks. This brought Fourth of July, 
 Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years pretty closely together, and a 
 patriot had hardly got through marching around with the fire company 
 and hurrahing for General Jackson, when he was called upon to buy a 
 Thanksgiving goose. The bones of that goose were scarcely buried be- 
 fore it was time to hang up stockings and receive Santa Claus' gifts of 
 gold watches and diamond pins. Then came a New Year's dinner, and 
 
10 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 it was only well digested before the boys came out with the anvil and 
 fired thirteen guns for the Continental Congress. 
 
 Those must have been happy times. If a girl promised to marry a 
 young man "next year" he hadn't more than time to get his boots made 
 before the happy day was at hand and the minister was on the door-step. 
 White-headed boys were entitled to vote, before they were out of bob- 
 tailed coats, and red-headed girls, not tall enough to look over a gate,, 
 planned elopements. 
 
 Those good old days will never return. They are way off there, and 
 we are way off here, and -the people of to-day find even twelve full 
 months such a short year that Connecticut men often give notes payable 
 on the 32d of January. 
 
 LOOKING FOR THE CENTENNIAL. 
 
 He will be loo years old on the ist of May, and he will don his blue 
 swallow-tailed coat, grease his cowhide boots, put on his ancient straw 
 hat, take up his cane, and set out for the Centennial. He has a few 
 
 dollars in his calf-skin wallet, the brass but- 
 tons on his coat have been scoured up for 
 the occasion, and he means to see the thing 
 through, if it takes all night and costs him 
 ten shillings. 
 
 Walking along to the highway, he begins 
 to think of Lexington, Boston Harbor, 
 Bunker Hill and Valley Forge, and his pul- 
 ses beat faster. His father shouldered a 
 flint-lock and his mother prepared lint, and 
 our old man feels that he is the son of a pa- 
 triot, if not the son of a gun. 
 
 He remembers how the Britishers kept his parents SAvake nights, and 
 prevented them from going to donations and excursions for seven long 
 years, and he gets mad and wants to lick some one or somebody. 
 
LOOKING FOR THE CENTENNIAL. 
 
 II 
 
 Meeting a man bound the other way, and discovering a foreign look 
 about him, our old man drops his cane, spits on his aged mauleys and 
 sails in. 
 
 The traveller at first regards the old hero 
 with amazement, but quickly calling to mind 
 the saying that "it's a poor traveller who can't 
 make his own road," he removes the bundle 
 from his shoulder, and comes up to the 
 scratch smiling. The conflict doesn't last 
 over a minute and a half before our old hero 
 gets three or four shots below the water- 
 line, his main-mast goes by the board, the 
 enemy mount the parapet with a hurrah ! and 
 ., . he sails out — licked by a blasted foreigner, 
 
 He sails in. ^ ° 
 
 and well licked at that. 
 
 He continues on his way, after a halt to make repairs, and his patriotic 
 pulses don't bound again until he enters the 
 Quaker city. The glorious day has dawned 
 at last and the city is in an uproar. Our old 
 man forgets all about his encounter on the 
 high seas, swings his hat and hurrahs with 
 the rest, and kindly volunteers to hold the 
 loaded end of a sky-rocket which some boys 
 are just ready to send aloft. The effect is 
 all that could have been expected under the 
 circumstances, but the boys couldn't induce 
 „ ., , the old hero to do so any more if they were 
 
 He sails out. -' ■' 
 
 worth a million dollars apiece. 
 
 After the doctors have patched him up, our old man starts for the Cen- 
 tennial buildings. The vehicle is somewhat crowded, but it is a time 
 when everyone is expected to patiently endure all inconveniences for 
 the sake of liberty. He was quite a portly old man when entering the 
 car, and is surprised, on getting out, to find how the sqeeze has affected 
 
12 
 
 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 him. His height has been increased nearly three feet, and the fact is 
 plainly apparent to him that his prospects have gone up. He rather 
 enjoys his position, however, believing that he can more certainly get his 
 money's worth. 
 
 ^ ^'^.^-^o; 
 
 rAm^i 
 
 A volunteer. 
 
 Result of the squeeze. 
 
 While crowding toward the main entrance of the exhibition buildings 
 a meek-looking boy offers to take him in by a private route. The old 
 hero submits to be taken in, and the boy conducts him around the cor- 
 
 V, I ,. ,,j 
 
 The pressed. Old-fashioned music. 
 
 Tier, down an alley, and into the office of the " head man " of the whole 
 show. 
 
 The head man warmly greets him, asks him to take a few swallows of 
 
LOOKING FOR THE CENTENNIAL. 
 
 13 
 
 some Bourbon captured from the British one hundred years before, and 
 the old man proceeds to comply, solely because of his patriotic princi- 
 ples. Soon after imbibing the prize-liquid he begins to feel good all 
 over and emphatically declares that all he asks for is to live long enough 
 to see England pitch in to this country again. 
 
 He looks around for relics, and is shown the club with which George 
 Washington killed captain Cook, a decanter which Martin Luther used 
 to take to the hay-field, and a premium chromo which Benjamin Frank- 
 lin gave out to his newspaper subscribers. He becomes sleepy about 
 this time, and the " head man " and the club and the decanter become, 
 somewhat mixed up to his vision. He sits down and inquires after the 
 
 Out all night. 
 
 bowie-knife once carried by Marie Ant Dinette, and the wolf's den which 
 General Putnam entered, but he falls asleep before they are brought out, 
 2mA when he recovers his senses it is night and he finds himself in the 
 alley, owing to the careless manner in which some barrels of salt had 
 been left, they have rolled against him from either way and change his 
 shape again. Instead of being nine feet high he is only three, with pro- 
 portionate breadth of beam. 
 
 After receiving an introduction to himself -and becoming somewhat 
 acquainted he finds his ducats missing, his aged locks full of oyster cans 
 and brickbats, his venerable whiskers gone, and his general health un- 
 
14 
 
 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 der the weather. He strikes out for the street, his steps accompanied by 
 old-fashioned music, and leaves the alley just in time to encounter Prof. 
 Wise's Easterly Current, which has escaped from its cage in the exhibi- 
 tion buildings and is on a tear. 
 
 Our old hero is taken up, along with a well-selected assortment of 
 other things, and just as he begins in the Professor's theory he is dropped 
 in his own door-yard. Owing to circumstances over which he has no 
 control he remains in the yard all night, and the sleeping family are not 
 aroused to let him in. His presence being ascertained next-day forenoon 
 it is decided not to disturb him, especially as he had come down on a 
 division line, and will answer for a landmark. 
 
 And thus have we made it clear even to a Chinaman, that no tyrant 
 can ever place his iron heel on a full-born American patriot. 
 
 ROUSING A BOY. 
 
 The average boy, when the frosty nights and cool mornings arrive, clings 
 to the bed like tar to cotton, utterly ignoring the fact that he is depended 
 on to light the fire on the family hearth-stone. The old gent turns over 
 in bed about sunrise, and calls out, — 
 
 " Solomon, it's six o'clock ! " 
 
ROUSING A BOY. 
 
 Boy dreams of chasing a rabit into a hollow log, and while he is hunt- 
 ing around for an ax the old man calls out — 
 " Come, Solomon ! " 
 
 
 Boy's dream changes, and he thinks he is husking corn to get money 
 to go to Dan Rice's circus. He is making the ears fly when the old 
 man rips out, — 
 
 " Sol-o-mon Spring-brook ! " 
 
 Boy moves uneasily, and dreams that he is playing base-ball, and he 
 sees a crowd of admiring spectators seated on the top rails of the fences. 
 
1 6 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 " If that boy don't 'rouse I'll make him think he's sent for ! " mutters 
 the old man, as he looks at the clock ; and then sitting up in bed he 
 shouts, — 
 
 " Oh, Sol ! Oh, Sol ! " ■ 
 
 The boy dreams that he is loafing around the Opera House door, and 
 boring people for "checks," and he is about to get one when the old 
 
 man slips up, pulls the quilts off, and hammers away at him with the harr 
 brush, and chuckles, — 
 
 " There ! I guess you won't want me to wake you up more than four- 
 teen times more !" 
 
 As the boy pulls on his pants and gets into his vest, he mentally de- 
 clares that he'll run away that very day and become a pirate. 
 
 THE NEW YEAR. 
 
 Once more the whirligig of, time has yanked an old year out and a new 
 one in. 
 
 Glad on't. 
 
 If there is anything lonesome and monotonous it is last year. The 
 old year had a few charms, but the new one promises to give them half 
 a mile the start and then go under the strin^: first. 
 
THE NEW YEAR. 1 7 
 
 And yet one feels a trifle sad to part with the old year, when he comes^ 
 to think it over. As memory's bob-tail car pulls us down the long- 
 lane of the past, one looks out of the window at the well-remembered 
 objects of former days, and his heart saddens. 
 
 Where's the fat girl who rested her head on your bosom when the old 
 year was new ? Gone — yes gone — slid out to take charge of the snake- 
 cage in a travelling museum of natural wonders, and your wounded heart 
 sorrowfully but vainly calls, — 
 
 "Come back, fat girl — come back ! " 
 
 Where's the alligator boots which sat around the festive board last 
 New Years Day .? Where's the silk unbrella you left on the door-step 
 that morning ? 
 
 Where's the ton of coal and the jar of country butter you laid in about 
 that time ? Where's the plumber who agreed to " come right up " and 
 thaw that water-pipe out ? The sad wind sighing through the treeless 
 leaves solemnly puckers its mouth and sadly answers, — 
 
 " Gone up ! " 
 
 One by one they have fallen beside the curbstone of life's dreary high- 
 way, have been wept over and almost forgotten, while you and I have 
 have been spared to put up stoves another time, and to have the land- 
 lord raise the rent on us — drat him ! It makes one feel sad — especially 
 the rent business. 
 
 Farewell, old year ! If you go West to grow up with the country, or go 
 South to run a steamboat, we hope you'll be honest, seek respectable 
 company, and make your daily life a striking example for, and a terrible 
 warning to, the man who goes around playing the string-game on unsus- 
 pecting people. 
 
 Welcome, New Year ! Howdy ? If convenient, give us some new clothes, 
 a few thousand in cash, and a race-horse, and prove by your actions that 
 you mean to do the right thing by a fellow. Give us some strawberry 
 weather this month, wollop the pesky Indians into behaving themselves, 
 and make it uncomfortable for grasshoppers and potato-bugs. Be around 
 with some decent weather \vhen a fellow wants to go fishing, and let 'er 
 
 2 
 
1 8 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 rain to kill when the women go out to exhibit their new bonnets. Do 
 the fair thing by all of us, including New Jersey, and we won't stand by 
 and see you abused. 
 
 THE HUNDREDTH YEAR. 
 
 M. quad's stump speech. 
 
 The year ^876 is a big knot on the log. This American nation is a 
 plump hundred years old this year; and every son of a gun is entitled 
 to wear his hat on his ear. 
 
 A hundred years ago King George picked up the boot-jack and said 
 he guessed he could bring that Yankee son of his out of his tantrums. 
 He tried it on, and he didn't have a good night's rest for seven years. 
 
 A huTidred years ago this country was little better than a wilderness. 
 Now we have just as big kerosene lamp explosions as any country on 
 earth. 
 
 " 'Rah ! 'Rah ! " 
 
 A hundred years ago the sad-eyed wolf took his walks, for exercise, 
 where now the roofs and spires of great cities may be seen. 
 
 A hundred years ago there wasn't a steamboat on the lakes, nor a 
 locomotive on wheels. Now a person can buy a full set of jewelry at 
 any dollar store, for seventy-five cents. 
 
 '' Hip 1 'Rah I " 
 
THE HUNDREDTH YEAR. 1 9 
 
 A hundred years ago there wasn't a suspension bridge, canal, gas- 
 works, water-works, paved street, mowing machine, reaper, stove or sew- 
 ing machine in America. To-day we can look around us and find a law- 
 yer on every corner, and go out almost any afternoon and witness a 
 game of base-ball. 
 
 " R-r-r-r-r-ah ! " 
 
 The future of this country no man can predict. She'll keep right on 
 tearing up the soil, whacking down the forests, digging under mountains, 
 and bridging rivers, and by-and-by the Sandwich Islands will go home 
 cross lots, rather than come around the corner and knock the chip off our 
 shoulder. 
 ' " Houray for us ! " 
 
 Set Him Back. — Going home a few evenings since, a resident of 
 Cass street heard the voice of a boy in a stable, and looking through a 
 broken window he saw a lad about ten years old, reading from a book to 
 a group composed of half a dozen boys of about the same age. 
 
 " Now isn't this nice!" chuckled the gentleman to himself; "these 
 boys, crowded out of school, are still determined to secure an education." 
 
 He took another look through the window, and then placed his ear to 
 the broken pane and heard the boy read : 
 
 "If the person who deals makes a misdeal, the cards may lie on the 
 table only by the consent of all — " 
 
 " Grashus ! " exclaimed the citizen, as he sprang from the window, " that 
 boy's reading from Hoyle ! " 
 
 A Missourian who attended prayer-meeting with his daughter felt com- 
 pelled to rise up and remark : " I want to be good and go to heaven, but 
 if those fellers don't stop winking at Mary, there will be a good deal of 
 prancing around here the fust thing they know ! " 
 
First Month. 
 
 JANUAR Y. 
 
 3 1 Days. 
 
 
 Suwtav 1 
 
 ^ 
 
 9 
 
 16 
 
 23 
 
 30 
 
 
 Monday \ 
 
 3 
 
 lO 
 
 17 
 
 24 
 
 31 
 
 
 l^ucsday 1 
 
 4 
 
 II 
 
 18 
 
 25 
 
 
 
 Wedncsda v \ 
 
 5 
 
 12 
 
 19 
 
 26 
 
 
 
 Thursday \ 
 
 6 
 
 13 
 
 20 
 
 27 
 
 
 
 Friday \ 
 
 7 
 
 14 
 
 21 
 
 28 
 
 
 
 Saturday \ i 
 
 s 
 
 15 
 
 2? 
 
 29 
 
 
 No eclipse in this month 
 worth mentioning. 
 
 Doubtabilities. — From ist 
 to 5 th, good time to go 
 huckleberrying. Whisky will 
 cure snake-bites whether the 
 snake bite or run. 
 
 5th to loth. — Be kind to thy sister. Don't cheat at marbles. Good 
 time for getting ready to go to Africa. Propitious season for subscrib- 
 ing to newspapers. 
 
 loth to 20th. — Thunder ! You'll say so if you happen to sit down on 
 a buzz-saw. Commence working your mother-in-law out doors. Hook 
 your wood at night. 
 
 20th to 31st. — Wash your sheep and hang them out when a drying 
 day comes. Finish working the mother-in-law, and hope she'll come 
 again. Go over to the dog-fight. Good time to kill assessors. 
 
 When Maria Brown, of La Crosse died, she had but one regret. She 
 had lived with Brown twenty-four years and never had a bureau with 
 drop-handles on it. 
 
 "Thar' lays a man who'd give his last chaw of terbacker to a starvin' 
 stranger, and then pay him for spitting," was the eulogy pronounced on 
 William Hart, of Tennessee. 
 
JANUARY. 2 1 
 
 " Castor Ile." — A policeman passing along Macomb street yester- 
 day halted in front of a house which had two broken windows, and stick- 
 ing his head through one of them he saw a man seated on a chair with 
 his head bound up, other chairs broken to pieces, and the room looking 
 as if a big row had taken place. 
 
 "What's been the row here? " he asked of a woman who sat holding 
 a baby on her lap. 
 
 " You see that man there ? " she replied ; " well, he's my husband. 
 The baby's sick, and he said give her castor ile, and I said goose grease." 
 
 Night Expressions. — When a policeman, sauntering by a house at 
 midnight, hears the owner jump out of bed, shake the coal stove down, 
 and then pass over the cold oil-cloth in the dining-room, out through the 
 kitchen and into the back end of the shed for a scuttle of coal, the offi- 
 cer hurries off around the corner so as not to be within hearing distance 
 of the man's expression of feelings over the hired girl's neglect of plainest 
 duty. 
 
 Knew What the Papers would Say. — As a citizen was passing along 
 Griswold street yesterday, his wallet fell to the ground, and a boy picked 
 it up and ran after him. The man opened the wallet, and then handing 
 it to the lad he said, — 
 
 " There isn't but forty cents in it, and if you'll come down to the office 
 I'll give you whatever more is right. I know what the papers would say 
 if they heard I didn't pay you for being honest, and I don't want 'em 
 after me." 
 
 Trouble Ahead. — A boy about twelve years old entered a Michigan 
 avenue barber shop yesterday and asked the barber to cut his hair down 
 close. The barber enquired if he wasn't afraid of catching cold, when 
 the boy replied, — 
 
 " I've got to run the chances, for there's trouble ahead. To-morrow 
 is the day sot for me and a Sixth Ward boy to meet over behind Good- 
 hue's barn and see who's the boss boy of Detroit ; and he's powerful at 
 pulling hair. Cut 'er right down to the skulp ! " 
 
22 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 Appearances are Deceptive. — You can't always believe what a man 
 says, any more than you can judge of his heart by the clothing he wears. 
 The other night a policeman in the east end grabbed a negro who came 
 running down a street at full speed, panting like a wind-brol:en horse, 
 and the officer wanted to know why and wherefore the colored man was 
 dusting around in that lively style at midnight's solemn hour. 
 
 " Wife's sick — gwine for the doctor ! " gasped the man. 
 
 " Where do you live ? " 
 
 " Lemme go — can't stop — she's mos' dead ! " was the answer, yet in 
 spite of this the officer pushed the African up against the fence, and a 
 search brought to light two chickens, a clothes-line, a hatchet and a 
 pair of boots, the same the property of some other man. 
 
 Dead wSiLENCE. — A man about two-thirds drunk, was riding on a 
 Fort street car yesterday, and he hadn't yet unbosomed himself when a 
 nice-looking young man, highly scented, entered the car and took a seat 
 opposite the inebriate. The perfume floated over, and the man snuffed 
 and turned his head this way and that. He finally got his eyes on the 
 young man, and pointing his finger at him inquired, — 
 
 " Y-young man — d-do your f-feet smell — smell that way all the 
 t-time ? " There was dead silence in the car. 
 
 Correct Business Principles. — He was yelling " Black yer butes ! " 
 in front of the post office yesterday, and chewing away at a monstrous 
 quid of gum, when another boy came along and screamed, — 
 
 " Say, Bill, s'posen ye let me chaw that for awhile, I'll give 'er back 
 termorrer." 
 
 "All right — give me a receipt." 
 
 "What fur?" 
 
 " What fur ! Why, s'posen ye happened to die to-night and I hadn't 
 anything to show, how'd I ever git this gum back ? " 
 
 The footprints of a Chicago lady on the prairie, near Michigan City 
 got a crowd of men out to hunt for a stray elephant. 
 
 The elephants in India are now holding indignation meetings, in self- 
 defence, against this slander upon the gracefulness of elephantine pedal 
 mud-pressers. 
 
JANUARY. 23 
 
 Among the more reliable of the new household recipes, we find 
 this, — 
 
 To remove dandruff — Go out on the plains and insult an Indian. 
 
 THE NEW WEATHER REPORTS. 
 
 The fond mother is anxiously waiting the time when the Signal Ser- 
 vice Bureau shall also keep track of disease and telegraph along the line 
 what sort of sickness may be expected on the morrow. If the Bureau 
 gets the matter down as fine as it has the weather, the dispatches will 
 prove invaluable to every head of a family. When the morning paper is 
 left on the step the mother will turn to " Sickness Dispatches," and 
 read, — 
 
 Cheyenne, 14th. — Measles passed here this morning, going east at 
 the rate of twenty-four miles an hour. Don't let your children smell of 
 anybody's breath. 
 
 Omaha, 14th. — Pulse stands at 84 ; Omaha slightly hectic, but diges- 
 tion good, and slept well last night ; .tongue slightly coated ; but the 
 lake regions will probably escape. 
 
 Milwaukee, i4th. — Rheumatism settling over the lowerlake regions; 
 expect flying pains in the back and knees ; get trusted for new boots. 
 
 Pike's Peak, 14th. — Whooping cough turning somersaults over the 
 signal station ; get ready to whoop ; gas works open from 8 A. M. to 
 5 P. M. Also indications of stratum of bilious colic j will center some- 
 where in Illinois. 
 
 Chicago, 14th. — In the Upper Mississippi and Lower Missouri val- 
 leys expect the toothache and a good deal of cussin' around. Good 
 time to argue political questions and make up old feuds. 
 
 New York, 14th.— Lame leg and chills predicted for the New Eng- 
 land States, with gripes and such in the Adirondack region. Don't go 
 huckleberrying. 
 
 Savannah, 14th. — Rush of blood to the head is predicted for the 
 Gulf States, with occasional rushes for the camphor-bottle. May clear 
 
24 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 up after noon and dropsy set in. Use Fitznoodle's pills for all dropsical 
 complaints. They cure like magic. Only twenty-five cents per box ; 
 for sale at all respectable drug stores. 
 
 Cincinnati, 14th. — Slight convulsions along the Ohio; look out foi 
 the jaundice ; seems to be making south from here. Sage tea has ad- 
 vanced to a dollar per pound ; beware of the dog ; liberal discount to 
 editors and clergymen. 
 
 Memphis, 14th. — Palpitation of the heart is predicted for this region, 
 but she'll get over it ; a disposition to lie in bed until the old man builds 
 the fire will also be apparent, good day for shooting your brother-in-law. 
 
 Washington, 14th. — The old Harry's to pay all over the country, 
 and no pitch hot ! Old pioneers who can thread a needle without the 
 aid of spectacles, are going to be knocked higher than Gilderoy's kite 
 to-morrow ! Bad day for comic lecturers ; keep fat meat away from the 
 children ; telegraph your mother-in-law not to come ; if it clears off before 
 noon expect nervous prostration and no supper ready. 
 
 An Economical Boy. — A Detroit mother sent her boy to the store 
 the other day to get her a linen dress, and he returned with fourteen' 
 yards of black cambric. 
 
 " I told you to get linen ! " she exclaimed, standing aghast. 
 
 " I know it, but this is cheaper, and the clerk said that if any of us 
 should happen to die you'd have a mourning dress in the house ! " was 
 the cool reply. 
 
 The Alternative. — An old man was leading a dog along Griswold 
 street yesterday, when a boot-black took a fancy to the canine, and 
 wanted to purchase him. 
 
 " Oh, you couldn't raise a dollar," repHed the man, starting on. 
 
 " I couldn't, eh ? " yelled the boy ; " well, you just wait. There's a 
 ten thousand dollar feller over here who is engaged to my sister, and if 
 I ask for scrip he's got to come down or I'll bust that match higher'n a 
 liberty pole ! " 
 
Secofid MoJith. 
 
 FEBRUARY. 
 
 29 Day 
 
 Sufida V 
 
 Monday 
 
 Tuesday \ 1 
 
 Wednesday 
 
 Thursday 
 
 Friday 
 
 6 I 13 I 20 I 27 I 
 
 7 I 14 I 21 I 28 
 
 29 
 
 16 
 
 23 
 
 o I 17 I 24 I 
 
 I I 18 I 25 I I 
 
 Saturday \ 5 | 12 | 19 | 26 
 
 A good deal of snow which 
 should have fallen several 
 years ago will come now. 
 
 One eclipse this month, 
 visible only in Siberia. For 
 particulars, see small bills. 
 
 DoUBTABILITIES. ISt, 2nd 
 
 and 3rd will be springy days. You will want to spring behind the 
 stove. 
 
 4th to 9th. — Balmy, with four feet of snow to back it. Good weather 
 for cross-eyed cats. 
 
 9th to i6th. — Lower Lake regions all O. K. Just the season for ship- 
 ping old clothes to your relatives. 
 
 i6th to 25th. — Look out for lightning. Get out your white pants and 
 see if they want patching. Go and see your girl. Good time to propose 
 to a schoolma'am. 
 
 25th to 28th. — Hurricanes in the Sandwich Islands. Rumors now of 
 the failure of the peach-crop. Good season for sliding down hill on a 
 shingle. Hitching-posts begin to put on a spring look. 
 
 " I'm. going where I won't have to cook beans ! " was the farewell sen- 
 tence of an Ohio woman who left this vale of tears a few days since. 
 
 The first thing a Vermont girl does, when old enough to have a beau, 
 
 25 
 
2 6 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 is to poison the family watch-dog. She knows the cause of there being 
 so many single women in the Eastern States. 
 
 Twelve bald-headed men were drawn on a Jury at Cairo, and the 
 judge refused to go on with the case until six of them were replaced by 
 good and true men. He said that his court-room couldn't be made a 
 circus of, no how. 
 
 A Prompt Man. — Yesterday, as a negro was painting his house on 
 Watson street, and was nearly at the top of a long ladder, his wife came 
 out and called to him to come down. Just at that moment a rung broke 
 and the man came down like a- bag of sand, rolled over two or three 
 times, jumped up and said, — 
 
 "Well, honey, go on wid your remarks ! " 
 
 Not Particular. — A wild-eyed man, carrying his hat in his hand, 
 entered the Lake Shore depot yesterday, and called out to a man who 
 was wheeling a baggage truck along, — 
 
 " Where's the train ? " 
 
 What train ? " 
 
 " Any train — any train ! My wife isn't ten rods behind ; and she's 
 got an ax-handle over her shoulder, and sulphur in her eyes ! " 
 
 The other day Justice Potter was called upon to marry a couple on. 
 Fort street east, and he was asking the bridegroom, — 
 
 " You promise to love, cherish, etc.," when the young man blurted 
 out, — 
 
 " See here ! I want a fair understandings about this things. Does that 
 mean that I've got to take care of her whole family, or only herself? "' 
 
 His Honor explained, and Xhe };oung man continued, — 
 
 "Well, go ahead. I only wanted to know how much of the family I 
 was marrying." 
 
 Slightly Altered. — W^hile a man was guzzling drink in a Larned 
 street saloon yesterday, a little ragged girl entered, and sought him out, 
 
FEBRUARY. 27 
 
 and instead of requesting him to come home, dear father, as poor brother 
 Benny was dead, and the house was all dark, she whispered, — 
 
 " Now, old man, you'd better be dusting out o' here. Mam's coming 
 around the corner with a club in her hand and both eyes shooting fire ! " 
 
 Was Waiting. — A stranger was Saturday making some inquiries of a 
 policeman in regard to the price of real estate in the city, having about 
 made up his mind to settle here. He had on such a fearful dirty shirt 
 that the officer M^as forced to remark about it, when the man replied, — 
 "Well, I've kinder been waiting to see whether I should buy or not, and 
 as soon as I can make up my mind about it I'm going to put on a clean 
 one." 
 
 He Would Try It. — A man about fifty years old, living in Bedford 
 Township, called at the office of the Mutual Gas Company the other 
 day, having a two-quart pail in his hand, and he asked : " Is this where 
 they sell gas ? " " Yes, sir, we can furnish you gas, " replied the clerk. 
 " Well, " said -the old man, as he pulled the cover off his pail, " I've 
 heard a good deal about gas, and my wife's heard a good deal about gas, 
 and I'll take two quarts along and try it. How much is it a quart.?" 
 When he was informed that gas was a vapor, and the method of burning 
 it was explained, he sighed and said : '' Hannah will be awfully disap- 
 pointed." 
 
 Wanted it to Count. — Yesterday a half-drunken fellow, armed with 
 a club, came out of a saloon on Jefferson avenue, and as he brandished 
 his weapon around he yelled, — 
 
 " I'm a-going to kill some one ! " . 
 
 An elderly man, who looked as if he had experienced a good deal of 
 suffering, halted and asked, — 
 
 " Have you any particular choice whom you kill .?" 
 
 " No, sir — find me some one ! " was the answer. 
 
 "Well, I don't encourage murder," continued the oldish man, " but if 
 you must kill some one, I hope you'll knock over a tar and gravel roofer 
 that promised to roof my house before that last shower ! " 
 
28 
 
 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 He Paused There. — A man took a seat on the head of an empty 
 flour barrel on Michigan Grand avenue, Saturday, and remarked : " I 
 
 got down the gun and loaded her up heavy, and just as I was " At 
 
 this point the head fell in, and the man, or about half of him, disap- 
 peared, while his legs loomed up like schooners' masts. He was helped 
 
 out and a boy hired to rub sweet oil on his back, but in spite of the 
 earnest entreaties of the crowd, he would not go on with the story. 
 
FEBRUARY. 
 
 29 
 
 He Knew How. — At an auction of household goods on Harrison 
 avenue yesterday, when a woman made a bid on an old bureau worth 
 about two dollars, a boy slipped around to another woman and whispered, — 
 
 " You see that woman over there with a blue bow on ? " 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " Well, she says that no woman with a red nose can buy anything at 
 this sale ! '' 
 
 The woman with the red nose pushed her way into the crowd and run 
 the price of the bureau up to $12, and as it was knocked down to her 
 she remarked, — 
 
 " I may have a red nose, but no cross-eyed woman with a blue bow on 
 can bluff me ! " 
 
 As they entered a dry goods store you would have said that love dwelt 
 in both hearts, and that a dove of peace roosted on every shingle on the 
 roof of their abiding place. She saw a lovely dress, and she begged him 
 to buy, but he replied : "I can't, darling, not before next week." " Can't 
 you, dear.^ " she smiled. "Well, I will wait." They had hardly passed 
 out the door before he said, — " I'd like to see myself getting that dress ! " 
 And she answered, — " You couldn't buy one side of it, and if you could, 
 you are too stingy and mean to do it ! " 
 
 Talk about stamina in female character ! But there is a mother in 
 Detroit who will sit on the corner of the bureau and read a dime novel 
 half through before she becomes aware that her baby has been howling 
 for thirty-five minutes. 
 
 Old Age is Ever Innocent. — "I declare, Joseph," sighed a Detroit 
 mother, as she sat putting on a patch on young Joseph's pants, " they 
 must have awful hard seats in school. This is the fourth time I've had 
 to patch these pants in two weeks." 
 
 "They have, mother," he promptly replied ; "just tears a boy all to 
 pieces." 
 
 (The. old lady ought to see him riding down hill on a shingle, with the 
 American flag sticking up alongside his ear.) 
 
Third Month. 
 
 MARCH. 
 
 31 Days. 
 
 Sunday \ \ ^ | 12 | 19 | 26 | 
 
 
 Monday \ \ 6 | i.^ | 20 | 27 | 
 
 
 Tuesday \ \ 7 | 14 | 21 | 28 | 
 
 
 Wednesdav \ 1 | 8 | 15 | 22 | 29 j 
 
 
 Thursday \ 2 | 9 | 16 | 23 | 30 | 
 
 
 Friday \ 3 | 10 | 17 | 24 | 31 | 
 
 
 Saturday \ 4 | it i 18 | 25 | | 
 
 
 John Smith was born this 
 month. High and low winds 
 — no one but- blind men 
 allowed to stand on the cor- 
 ners. 
 
 Palm trees in Africa begin 
 palm-leaf out. 
 
 DouBTABiLiTiES — ist to sth — Simoons ; let 'em sigh. 
 
 5th to loth — The bed-bug begins to come out of his winter lair,' Get 
 your pizen ready to lair-rup him. 
 
 loth to 19th — Don't go blackberrying with white pants on. Regular 
 season for newspaper attacks on Dr. May Walker. 
 
 19th to 27th — Clear — clear out of coal and preserves. Preserve 
 your equanimity. Oyster cans and old bottles in the back-yard begin to 
 sprout. 
 
 27th to 31st — Don't amount to shucks, and are a useless expense. 
 Rent begins to fall due ; due 'unto your landlord. 
 
 Just think, if you swear off using tobacco and wearing clothes after 
 the first of January, you can save $5 per week at least, and $5 per week 
 for 1,000 years is $260,000. 
 30 
 
MARCH. 31 
 
 He Wouldn't Steal. — Saturday morning a policeman observed a 
 boy skulking along Congress street with an ax on his shoulder, and he 
 hailed him with, — 
 
 " Here, young man ! where did you steal that ax? " 
 
 "Nowhere, sir — I wouldn't steal for all the world." 
 
 "But I believe you hooked this ax somewhere." 
 
 " No, sir, I didn't — my brother Tom stole it, and I'm taking it home 
 for him ! " 
 
 Nothing Serious Meant. — In one of the omnibuses coming up 
 from the depot yesterday, a good-looking young man happened to be 
 seated near a good-looking young lady. He handed up her bundles, 
 drew the robes over her, and was otherwise attentive. The ventilator 
 was open, and as he felt a strong draft of air coming in, he started to 
 say : " I propose that some one shut that ventilator," but he had only got 
 as far as " I propose — " when the young lady blushed and whispered, — 
 " Why, I don't even know your name yet ! " 
 
 More Down There. — A young man of twenty was buying some fruit 
 at a stand on Jefferson avenue yesterday when several persons gathered 
 around to look at his feet, which were truly monstrous in size. A man 
 asked him if they were not deformed, or crippled, or something, when 
 he lifted one of them up and asked, — 
 
 " Do you call that a big foot ? " 
 
 " Great shiners ! but it's an awful foot ! " 
 
 "Well, if you call that big, I wish you'd come down to the depot and 
 see the rest of the family — see some reg'lar feet ! " said the young man 
 as he paid for his purchase. 
 
 He Knows. — A Michigan Avenue druggist has studied human n attire 
 to some purpose. When a woman enters his store, and hesitatingly asks 
 after some corrosive sublimate, " to poison rats with, " he replies, — 
 
 " Yes, 'um. Be careful and not inhale it, and if you apply thoroughly 
 the bugs won't need a second dose." 
 
32 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 No human being can cut a pie into six pieces and convince six chil- 
 dren that one of their number hasn't got a piece just a trifle the largest. 
 
 She Didn't. — Yesterday when two ferry boats came near having a 
 collision in mid-stream some one called out that a lady on one of the 
 boats was going to faint. 
 
 " Where is she ? " shouted the captain, rushing up stairs. 
 
 "Here — here!" called a woman who was supporting the terrified 
 one. 
 
 " Well, she can faint if she wants to — her fare is paid," replied the 
 captain as he walked away. 
 
 Then she got mad and wouldn't. 
 
 Mrs. Rose, of Connecticut, said she would hang herself if Rose wasn't 
 home at eight o'clock. When he came in at nine she was suspended to 
 a beam, cold and dead, and he rubbed his hands and whispered, " There's 
 a woman who couldn't tell a lie ! " 
 
 They Hadn't Any. — A motherly old lady, travelling alone, was eat- 
 ing dinner at one of the hotels yesterday, when she called out to the 
 waiter : 
 
 "Say, have you any cow-cumbers cut up in vinegar?" 
 
 " No, ma'am we haven't," answered the waiter. 
 
 " Wall, it's just about as well," remarked the old lady ; "I s'pose they'd 
 give me the colic if I ate any." 
 
 All Mixed Up. — A little old man from Canada, who was yesterday 
 waiting at the Grand Trunk depot for a train, asked several passengers 
 what time the train left, and as no one could tell he walked over to a 
 time-table to see for himself. After looking at it for a good while he 
 was heard saying, — 
 
 " Mail arrives at 6 p. m. ; express at 9 a. m. ; mail departs at 2:35 p. m. ; 
 close connection made with the 3 o'clock train east over the Great West- 
 ern. Well, if this 'ere travelling hain't about as mixed up a mess as 
 huckleberries and milk." 
 
Fourth Alonth. 
 
 APRIL. 
 
 30 Days. 
 
 Sunday \ \ 2 \ 9 | 16 | 23 | 30 
 
 
 Monday \ \ 3 | 10 | 17 | 24 | 
 
 
 Tuesday \ \ 4 | 11 | 18 | 25 | 
 
 
 Wednesday \ \ 5|i2|i9|26| 
 
 
 Thursday \ \ 6 | 13 | 20 | 27 | 
 
 
 Friday \ \ 7 | 14 | 21 | 28 | 
 
 
 Saturday \ 1 | 8 | 15 | 22 | 29 | 
 
 
 Good time to dig wells; 
 also to dig crib. 
 
 Charter elections out 
 West this month — 'rah f'r 
 Johnson ! We'll elect our 
 constable or bust this coun- 
 try. 
 
 Geese begin to mate — not mate-erial whether they are married in 
 church or by a Justice. 
 
 Most time for your mother-in-law to return. 
 
 Partial eclipse this month — can be seen from the bridge. 
 
 DouBTABiLiTiES — ist to ist and a half — 0000. From thence to the 
 7th more yet. 
 
 7th to 13th — Regular April weather, weather you like it or not. 
 
 13th to 20th — Clams now sing their sad melodies along the banks of 
 the Erie Canal. 
 
 20th to 25th — Nevada papers begin to lie about the number of wild 
 geese a man can shoot in that State before breakfast. 
 
 25th- to 30th — Get out your steamboat and prepare to sail the raging 
 main. 
 
 3 Z2> 
 
34 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 This month might have had 31 days if anyone had spoken up in 
 time. 
 
 Will the young men of America permit a red-headed Englishman to 
 \vin the hand of Queen Emma of the Sandwich Islands ? 
 
 This world would be a sandy desert of lonesomeness if women were 
 not privileged to attend auction sales and pay more for an old bureau 
 than a new chamber set would cost. 
 
 Sunday schools deserve to flourish and multiply, but when a Rhode 
 Island man has to break his son's ribs to make him attend, somethinsf's 
 wrong somewhere. 
 
 Just as Mad. — A finely-dressed lady slipped and fell near the post- 
 office yesterday, and the boot-black who assisted her to her feet inquired : 
 ■" Did you break any bones, madam ? " " No I guess not," she replied, 
 ^' but I'm just as mad as if I had broken a dozen of 'em ! " 
 
 Promoted, — A boy who had served in a Grand River avenue grocery 
 •store for two weeks came home highly elated the other night and told his 
 father he had been promoted. 
 
 " How ? " asked the old man. 
 
 "Why, I've been down cellar all the time sorting over potatoes, and 
 now they've raised me upstairs to pick over beans ! " 
 
 Had a Bet. — An aged colored individual stepped into a store on 
 Woodward Avenue, Saturday, and asked how the thermometer stood. 
 
 " A hundred and forty-nine degrees below zero ! " replied one of the 
 clerks. 
 
 "Is dat a fax?" exclaimed the old man; "den I've lost two dollars. 
 I jist made a bet it war a hundred an' fifty ! " 
 
 Won't Find Him. — An individual who had to step very high to avoid 
 the floor yesterday entered the Central Station, and securing a firm hold 
 of the railing ni front of the desk he inquired of the sergeant, — 
 
 " H-has anybody f-fouud Charles Ross yet ? " 
 
 "Not that I've heard of," was the reply. 
 
APRIL. 35 
 
 " D-do you w-want me to find h-him ? " 
 
 '"Yes, or I'd like to find him myself." 
 
 " Well, zur, give me a bouncing old d-drink of whisky and I'll f-find 
 him ! " 
 
 " Ah ! I see — you are a dead beat and half drunk now," replied the 
 sergeant. 
 
 " Then you won't give me a d-drink ? " . 
 
 " No, sir, I won't." 
 
 " Very well, then," said the man, waving his hand and turning away, 
 " then I w-won't find Charles Ross ! " 
 
 All the axes and bucksaws found in the ruins of Pompeii are of light 
 ake, as if co 
 little business. 
 
 make, as if constructed for women's use. Those old ancients knew their 
 
 Charitable. — Yesterday morning as a blind fiddler was sawing away 
 on the corner of Woodward and Jefferson avenues, a stranger hailing 
 from Ohio halted before him and said, — 
 
 " Are you blind ?" 
 
 " Yes, sir. " 
 
 "Can't see anything?" 
 
 " Not a thing. " 
 
 " Not even a house ? " 
 
 " No, sir. " 
 
 " Poor man, I'm sorry for you. I don't suppose you make half a dol- 
 lar a day at fiddling, and if you were only down where I live I'd get you 
 a job driving team or working on the cars ! " 
 
 " What is worse than to have your mother-in-law plump in on to you at 
 this season ?" asks the St. Louis Republican. Nothing, young man, ex- 
 cept to have your father-in-law plump in with her. 
 
 An American woman, travelling in the Holy Hand, didn't see but one 
 thing to remind her of home, and that was a hog roving in a garden. It 
 made her homesick right away. 
 
Hl^^I I! u 
 
 Fifth Month. 
 
 MAY. 
 
 31 Days. 
 
 Sunday \ \ \ 7 | 14 | 21 | 28 
 
 
 Monday \ \ 1 | 8 | 15 | 22 | 29 
 
 
 Tuesday \ \ 2 \ 9 | 16 | 23 | 30 
 
 
 IVednt'sday \ \ 3I10I17I24I31 
 
 
 Thursday | | 4 | 11 | 18 | 25 | 
 
 
 Fj'iday \ \ 5 | 12 | 19 | 26 | 
 
 
 Saturday \ \ 6 | 13 | 20 | 27 | 
 
 
 Centennial now begins. 
 
 — Whoop ! 
 I earthquake this month 
 
 — send in your orders early. 
 Alligators down toward 
 
 New Orleans, and old maids 
 up in Maine, begin to feel 
 
 hungry for a man. 
 
 DouBTABiLiTiES. — ist to 2nd — get on your arctic overshoes and furs^ 
 and go out and be Queen of the May. 
 
 3d to 7th— Cold in the head. Also, cold in Greenland. Hard weather 
 on the ambitious sunflower. 
 
 7th to i6th — Good time to sweep out and make up the beds and get 
 ready for spring. The ivy begins to climb, so do the vagrants brought 
 before His Honor. 
 
 i6th to 2ist — Daniel Boone was born around here somewhere. 
 Lamp-posts begin to bud out, and the boxes around corner-stores seem 
 endowed with life. The happy birds are now ready to receive sealed 
 proposals for the erection of nests. Right reserved to reject any or all 
 bids. 
 
 2istto 31st — Take down your stoves; put 'em up again. Mother- 
 in-law arrives. 
 36 
 
MAY. 37 
 
 Wanted an Increase. — A wholesale house in Detroit has a colored 
 porter who is much given to exaggeration and downright lying, but being 
 willing and industrious his failing has been overlooked. The other day, 
 however, he lied about the shipment of a box, and the chief clerk called 
 him up and said, — 
 
 " See here, Tom, you are a great liar. '' 
 
 " Yes, sah, " respectfully replied the porter. 
 
 "And the truth is not in you." 
 
 " No, sah. " 
 
 " You would rather lie than tell the truth. " 
 
 " I specks so, sah. " 
 
 " Well, Thomas, I've concluded not to put up with your pernicious 
 habit any longer. The next time I catch you in a lie you'll have to 
 travel." 
 
 " Yes, sah." 
 
 " But I want to know if you intend to reform -r- if you mean to stop 
 lying.?" 
 
 " I dunno, boss. " 
 
 " Won't you promise ? " 
 
 "Well, de fax am, I'm working here at powerful low wages," answered 
 Thomas, scratching his head, " and I don't believe I shall stop lyin' till 
 de cashier performs me dat de wages hez been riz ! " 
 
 He is there yet on the old salary, and his morals haven't improved any 
 
 You Can't Always Tell. — It was a handsome looking cottage, and 
 the passer-by would have said to himself that the angel of bliss and the 
 dove of peace swung on the door-knobs and turned handsprings through 
 every room. And yet, yesterday noon a man's voice was heard calling 
 out, — 
 
 "Jane, oh! Jane — them pertaters hez biled dry! Come in here! 
 blast ye, come in ! " 
 
 And she was heard replying, — 
 
 " Git up 'n take the kettle off, you old noodle-head, and don't blast me 
 or I'll break another rib for ye ! " 
 
38 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 Saving up Lucre. — "There," said a Detroit father to his son, " there 
 are two cents. Start a savings' bank with it to-day, and I'll give you 
 another two cents to-morrow." 
 
 The boy handled the money awhile, and his countenance was illumin- 
 ated by a sweet smile, as he replied, — 
 
 " I guess I'll buy gum with the two cents and start the bank on the 
 two cents to-morrow ! " 
 
 Where Was it? — A boy aged about sixteen stepped into a Griswold 
 street barber-shop Saturday, and took a seat with the remark, — 
 
 " I guess I'll have this mustache shaved off." 
 
 The barber shook out the apron, sharpened his razor, mixed the lather, 
 and as he stood beside the chair, he said, — 
 
 "Well, I'm ready any time you can tell me where the mustache is." 
 
 Can't be Caught Again. — One of the Chinese washermen on Larned 
 street West, has been in the habit' of begging candy of a grocer's clerk 
 on the same street, and has been a great bore. The other day the clerk 
 filled a gum-drop with cayenne pepper and it was handed to " John " 
 with three or four others. He went home to eat them, and some boys 
 who followed him, heard coughs and yells in the laundry, followed by a 
 fall over a chair, and the Chinaman jumped out-doors, mouth wide open, 
 and sat down where the whistling breeze could blow into it and cool off 
 the young Vesuvius. 
 
 Getting Even. — The other day an old fellow from Delaware, going 
 West on a Michigan Central train, stepped off the coach as it reached 
 Ypsilanti, and slipping on the icy platform, went flat down and broke a 
 a leg. Everybody sympathized with him in his misfortune, but he waved 
 his hand, and replied, — 
 
 " It's all right — no one to blame but myself. My old woman was 
 laid up for two years, and now I've got a chance to get even with her. 
 If she don't have to do some tall dusting around and sitting up nights, 
 then my name isn't Jordan ! " 
 
MAY. 39 
 
 The Man Who Swore Off. — He had been in the habit of taking three 
 or ff)ur " nips " per day, for the last fifteen years, but on New Year's 
 morning he arose and said to his wife, — 
 
 " Mary Jane Shiner, here I've been squandering a dollar per week for 
 more than a dozen years ! " 
 
 " But I thought you said a glass now and then aided your digestion," 
 she replied. 
 
 " All fudge and nonsense," he continued ; " that was only an excuse 
 to satisfy my own conscience. 
 
 " And I've heard you say that it made you sleep better — helped you 
 to have a clear head," she said. 
 
 "Nonsense — worst kind of bosh! I've drank up |8oo in the last 
 dozen years, and it hasn't benefited me one cent." 
 
 " Well 1 " 
 
 "Well, I'm going to quit. I'm going to commence now. No more 
 drinks for Shiner after this ! " 
 
 "Good boy — noble husband," she said, patting him on the chin; 
 " now you begin to talk like a Roman — now you are going to test your 
 stamina ! " 
 
 Shiner felt puffed up with pride for an hour or two, and then began 
 to feel a goneness along down his throat. He drank water, cold coffee 
 ancj milk, and got through with the day ; although when he went to bed 
 he dreamed that he was a flask of brandy and that a member of Congress 
 was carrying him in his coat-tail pocket. At midnight he awoke with his 
 thumb in his mouth, just on the point of taking a ten cent drink, and at 
 daylight he inquired of his wife whether it was the year 1875 or 1876. 
 
 That forenoon while he sat in his office, a meek-looking stranger 
 entered, took a paper from his pocket, and said that he was soliciting 
 aid for the Kansas grasshopper sufferers. 
 
 " Grasshoppers be hanged ! " exclaimed Shiner. " The next fraud who 
 comes in here will get his neck broken ! " 
 
 His. chief clerk spoke to him about ordering some goods, and he 
 whirled afound and said he wouldn't order another dollar's worth of 
 
40 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 goods in ten years. A young man called to secure a place, and Shiner 
 threw the coal-stove shaker and hit him on the ear. 
 
 When he went to dinner he flattered himself a little that he had suc- 
 ceeded in curbing his inclination to drink, and his wife patted him on the 
 shoulder and whispered, — 
 
 " Samuel, you have got more stamina in you than the Czar of Rus- 
 sia ! " 
 
 Going down town again, he entered a saloon and asked the saloon- 
 keeper if he honestly thought that a moderate amount of brandy would 
 affect the health. The saloon-keeper was sure it wouldn't. The bottles 
 looked good to Shiner, and there was a pleasant smell as he leaned over 
 the bar. 
 
 When he reached his office he kicked a chair over, hoisted a spittoon 
 across the room, and sat down and dated a letter 1877. ^ ^^^Y called 
 to have him subscribe something for a new Sunday-school, and he 
 bristled up and yelled, — 
 
 " No, sir, not a red ! Sunday-schools are killing the interests of this 
 country ! " 
 
 After about an hour he went out and asked a doctor if three drinks of 
 gin per day would hurt any one. The doctor thought not, if they were 
 light drinks. Returning to the office. Shiner hunted up an old brandy 
 bottle, and sat and held it for a long time, and wondered how they were 
 made, and then threw it into the coal-box and went out on the street and 
 asked a life-insurance agent if two or three drinks a day would hurt a 
 man. " Of course they wouldn't," replied the agent. Going home to 
 supper, Shiner asked three more men, and they all replied, "No." When 
 he reached home, he said the biscuits weren't fit for cannibals, gave the 
 girl warning to leave, and called his wife's brother, who was there on a 
 visit, a hump-backed, wilful liar. 
 
 When Shiner went down town in the evening he asked three more 
 doctors if a little brandy was hurtful. Then he went into a saloon and 
 asked for some pop. He was a good while in drinking it, and then he 
 asked to look at the label on a brandy-bottle. When he had read it he 
 
MAY. 41 
 
 looked to see if the cork was in very tight, and asked the saloon-keeper 
 if he thought brandy would hurt any one. 
 
 When Shiner reached home that hight he threw his wallet at his wife, 
 told the hired girl that she might stay there 5,000 years, begged his 
 wife's brother's pardon, and, as he turned a handspring in the parlor, he 
 broke out with — 
 
 ** So, farewell, Mary Ann, 
 You must do the best you can." 
 
 Shiner was tight. 
 
 HE ACCEPTS. 
 
 The following correspondence has passed between the Centennial 
 Committee of Invitation and Red Cloud the noted Indian Chief : — 
 
 Philadelphia, October, 1875. 
 Mister R. C. Dear Si? : — We shall be pleased to have you exhibit 
 your scalp-lock at the Centennial some time in May next. Will your 
 professional duties permit you to leave home at that time ? 
 
 Very truly 
 
 Out West, October, 1875. 
 White Men. 5/W .• — Heap glad! Red Cloud big Injun! Owns 14 
 squaws, and 2 hoss ! Me be there ! Bring 200 scalps along ! Ugh ! 
 
 R. C. 
 
 CHINESE TIME. 
 
 The Chinese have a curious but very remarkable method of keeping 
 time. If a Chinaman borrows five dollars of you and agrees to return 
 it in three days you can't catch sight of him for three weeks. If you 
 borrow five dollars of him and agree to return it in three weeks he calls 
 at the end of three days and demands his cash. 
 
,^'rm-iMryfy'.::^'nB^. 
 
 
 Sixth Month. 
 
 .JUNE. 
 
 30 Days. 
 
 Sunday \ \ 4 | u | 18 | 2^ | 
 
 
 Mom/ay \ \ .S | 12 | 19 | 26 | 
 
 
 Tuesday \ \ 6 | 13 | 20 | 27 | 
 
 
 Wednesday \ \ 7|i4|2i|28| 
 
 
 Thursday \ 1 | 8 | 15 | 22 | 29 | 
 
 
 I'Viday \ 2 | 9 | 16 | 23 | 30 | 
 
 
 Saturday | 3 | 10 | 17 | 24 | ( 
 
 ( 
 
 Begin to save money now 
 for the Fourth of July. 
 
 SKfMMERHORN" was born in 
 this month. Safe now to <<et 
 your hair cut. Old potatoes 
 seem to have lost their melo- 
 dious taste. Butter can't 
 cany a stiff back-bone It is doubtful if this month has over thirty 
 days. 
 
 Doup/rAHiLiTiES. — ist to 3d — All nature puts on the biggest kind of 
 a grin, apple trees slinging their blossoms around as if money didn't cost 
 anything. 
 
 3d to 7th — First circus arrives in town. No respectable lady will 
 travel under the canvas in order to avoid encouraging wicked institutions. 
 Seems to be a good many folks getting married and laying in wholesale 
 stocks of future misery. 
 
 7th to 17th — Not the leasfsign of snow. 
 
 17th to 22d — Corn gets so high and tough that the crows meet in 
 convention and want to know what this country is coming to. 
 
 22d to 30th — No more skating. Lightning-rod agents begin to out- 
 number the lawyers. 
 42 
 
JUNE. 43 
 
 Had Rights. — The other day, as a woman was crossing Gratio 
 street, a team brushed her so closely that she fell down. The driver 
 halted and asked if she were hurt, adding: 
 
 "You ought to know more than to walk in the middle of the street." 
 
 " I had, eh ?" she yelled in a shrill voice, as she brushed the dust from 
 
 her apron ; " well, I want you to understand, sir, that I've got just as 
 
 much right in the road, sir, as any old red hoss which was ever harnessed 
 
 up, sir ! " 
 
 General Jackson once made a dinner of a crust of bread and a cup of 
 water, and when a Cairo wife complains of the scarcity of provisions, her 
 husband asks her if she is any better than General Jackson. 
 
 A TALL stranger entered a saloon, and pulling off his coat, inquired : 
 " Is there anybody here who wants to lick me ? " "Yes ! Yes ! " ex- 
 claimed half a dozen loafers in chorus, as they rose up. " I thought 
 there was ! " coolly replied the stranger, as he opened the door and 
 walked out. 
 
 Only Two. — A teacher of a select school got hold of a new pupil 
 the other day, and in testing his general intelligence she asked him : 
 
 " How many seasons are there in a year ? " 
 
 " Two," he promptly replied. 
 
 " Aren't there more than two ? " 
 
 " No. " 
 
 "What are they?" 
 
 " Summer, when I go barefooted, and winter, when I wear dad's old 
 boots." 
 
 Good Reasons. — "Hi! Samuel, has you moved yit? " inquired one 
 colored man of another whom he met at the central market, yesterday. 
 " No, I'se still in the old place," was the answer. " But I war' told dat 
 you war' gwine to git out ob de neighborhood," continued the first. 
 " Wall, I did make up my mind to; but you see de family next door, and 
 de family on the corner, and de family 'cross de street have left dvvc, 
 woodpiles out doors, and I doesn't desire to change." 
 
44 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 They tried to scare a Toledo man in Missouri by threatening to tar 
 and featlier him, but he replied, — " Come on with your old tar — I've 
 been there six times, and I've got a receipt for washing it off 1 " 
 
 The other evening, as bed-time approached for the two young sons of 
 a Second street family, the smaller, a lad of six, stood before his father 
 and said : " Father, they say it's dreadful unhealthy for two persons to 
 sleep together, and if you can't get another bed for Bill, you'd better sell 
 him and get me a velocipede ! " 
 
 Guessed They Would. — While two boys were yesterday talking over 
 the gate of a house on Beach street, sounds of blows and yells were 
 heard from the house, and one of them asked : 
 
 " What's that ? Father and mother having a fight ? " 
 " No — that's Mariar and ma," replied the other boy. " Mariar wants 
 to marry a policeman, while ma wants her to marry a duke or a lord, and 
 I guess the old lady will bring her to time by and by ! " 
 
 A Troy man has the presence of mind to warm his nose by a coal- 
 stove before kiss.'ng his wife, and a Boston man always waits until he can 
 chew a clove. 
 
 The other day, when a house at Scranton fell into a coal pit, the old 
 widow explained that something was always sure to happen to spoil her 
 emptings if they looked flattering. 
 
 Getting Around To It. — Yesterday, after purchasing two cents' 
 worth of liquorice drops at a drug store, a woman asked to see some 
 toilet soap. She handled over the cakes absently, and then asked to see 
 some hair brushes. She compared the several styles and said she 
 guessed she'd look at some coarse combs ! She handled the stock over, 
 looked around, and finally whispered : 
 
 "A neighbor sent down by me to get a fine comb. Have you any? " 
 One was wrapped up and she skipped out, having been only half an 
 hour getting around the delicate question. 
 
Seventh Afonfh. 
 
 JULY. 
 
 I Days. 
 
 Sunday \ \ 2 \ 9 | 16 | 23 | 36 
 
 Mom/ay \ | 3 | 10 | 17 | 24 | 31 
 
 Tuesday \ | 4 | it | 18 | 25 | 
 
 Wednesday \ \ 5|i2|i9|26| 
 
 Thursday \ | 6 | 13 | 20 | 27 | 
 
 Friday \ | 7 | 14 | 21 | 28 | 
 
 Saturday \ 1 | 8 | 15 | 22 | 29 | 
 
 Liberty was born in the 
 month of July. Mother is 
 doing as well as circum- 
 stances permit. 
 
 This is the haying season. 
 Don't make hay while the 
 sun shines; make it along in 
 the cool of the evening, and you won't spoil so many paper collars. 
 
 There will be an eclipse this month ; but as it doesn't belong to your 
 church, let it slide. 
 
 Salt Creek was discovered this month. 
 DouBTABiLiTiES. — ist to 3rd. — Not worth a red. 
 
 3rd to 4th. — Whoop ! hurrah ! for all of us, and more, too ! Let the 
 glorious emblem of American liberty be unfolded to the balmy breeze of 
 American Independence, so to say. Unchain the eagle, — let loose the 
 militia, — bring out the fire companies ! and get some man with a cold in 
 his head to read the Declaration of Independence ! Philadelphia, ablaze 
 with glory. William Penn's bob-tailed coat hangs on the same peg with 
 General Washington's Sunday hat ! General Putnam's old jack-knife 
 grins lovingly at General Lafayette's old wallet.! 
 
 4th to loth. — Remove the remains. 
 45 
 
46 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 loth to i6th. — Headache all gone. Begin to lay up money for Christ- 
 mas. Chain lightning playing pull-away up among the stars. Vegeta- 
 tion dusting right smart. 
 
 1 6th to 31st. — Cut your bean-poles for next year. Disposition on the 
 part of young folks to ignore onions. Ice cream doesn't taste like the 
 ice cream of twenty years ago. Remember the poor. Some of your 
 nearest neighbors may be suffering for the want of a ton of coal. 
 
 The Centennial. — Go down in May and stay all summer. 
 
 You may not feel well when 1976 comes, and you'll wish you had at- 
 tended this show. 
 
 Its going to cover more than a corner-lot, and there'll be room for 
 your whole family and the neighbor's boys. Go in at the front-door, 
 and come out through the roof, and don't miss a thing. 
 
 Board anywhere, put up with anything, and strive to be happy. 
 Telegraph your folks that it is a big thing, and that you are going to see 
 it out if you never own another mule in your life. 
 
 Take along something to add interest to the occasion, and make .you 
 feel as though you owned the biggest share in the establishment.- 
 
 Bow to the Arab, nod to the Chinaman, shake hands with the Turk, 
 wink at the Sepoy, smile at the Egyptian, and hold out your hand to the 
 Russian, and ask him if his folks are usually well. 
 
 A Centennial doesn't grow on every bush, and it isn't once a year 
 that a nation celebrates the one hundredth anniversary of its independ- 
 ence. Doors open at half-past seven ; performance commences at eight. 
 No premium chromos or prize-candy packages will be given out with 
 this exhibition, but every child will be permitted to lift a thousand 
 pounds on a lifting-machine, and parents can buy fifteen rolls of wall 
 paper for the paltry sum of one dollar — only one dollar. 
 
 The company of yourself and lady is respectfully solicited. 
 
JULY. 47 
 
 Was Mistaken. — While a stranger was waiting at the corner of 
 Woodward and Jefferson avenues, yesterday, to take a car, a boy came 
 spooning around him, and finally inquired : 
 
 " Don't you want a boy to learn the printer's trade ? " 
 
 "What — where — I'm no printer — I've no office," replied the man. 
 
 "Ain't you a Lake Superior editor? " continued the boy, in a surprised 
 tone. 
 
 " No, I'm not ; what made you think so ? " 
 
 "Them feet ! " whispered the boy, backing off, and pointing to the 
 stranger's enormous pedals. Conversation ceased at this juncture, but 
 the boy kept feeling behind him, as he walked olf, to see if anything was 
 going to hit him. 
 
 Brigham Young has entirely recovered his health, and the sound of a 
 barrel stave, hooping it to his children, is once more heard in the land. 
 
 Yesterday, as a policeman was strolling past a house on Fort street, 
 east, a woman, a year or two over forty, having her sleeves rolled up and 
 her hands covered with flour, ran out to the gate and called to him. 
 
 " It's a little delicate," she said, as she leaned over the gate and tried 
 to blush, " but I'm a person that knows my rights ; and, besides, I'm all 
 alone in the world and no one to advise me." 
 
 " Speak your mind freely, madam," replied the officer, tapping on the 
 pickets with his baton. 
 
 " You know all about the law, don't you ? " she inquired. 
 
 ^' Everything, madam. I can tell you how to go to work in an admir- 
 alty case, and bring you from that down through divorce, bankruptcy, 
 arson, burglary, false pretenses, hitching a horse to a shade tree, and 
 getting intoxicated." 
 
 " It's a little delicate," she softly said, as she rubbed the flour off her 
 hands, " but, as I said before, I'm all alone." 
 
 "Trust me, madam, repose confidence in me," he replied, swelling out 
 his chest. 
 
 " Wel-1, s'posen you were a widow ? " 
 
 " Yes, madam." 
 
48 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 "And s'posen one of the boarders gave you a breastpin?" 
 
 " I see, madam." 
 
 " And s'posen he smiled at you, and sent you poetry, and asked you to 
 ride out on Sunday, and the neighbors whispered around that you were 
 engaged ? " 
 
 "Proceed, madam — I congratulate you." 
 
 " No, you mustn't ; fors 'posen, after all this, he suddenly began to claw 
 off, and didn't smile on you anymore, and didn't praise your cooking, 
 and took another woman to the minstrel show ? " 
 
 " Ah ! the traitor ! Perhaps he has transferred his affection to some 
 one else." 
 
 "That's what I think. I know it's a little delicate, but I'm all alone 
 in the world, you see, and I want to know if there isn't a law to bear on 
 him. It isn't right to go and encourage a lone woman like me, and then 
 claw off." 
 
 " He ought to be roasted alive, he had ! " 
 
 "I don't know as I'd want him arrested, but I'd like to have you call 
 on him and make threats. Tell him he's liable to State Prison for claw- 
 ing off this way. I tell you it's a pretty serious thing to go and encour- 
 age a woman of my age, and then skulk around behind the hen-coop "all 
 of a sudden. Isn't there a law ? " 
 
 " Let's see ? I hardly think there is." 
 
 " Well, you can call on him. Take him alone — look fierce — have 
 your hand-cuffs in sight. Just tell him that you know all about it, and 
 that I'm good-hearted, pleasant, rich, and that he better be careful how 
 he prances around, or he'll think a tornado struck him." 
 
 The officer promised, and she rubbed a cloud of flour off her hands, 
 and ran up the path with a light heart. 
 
 Weights and Measures. — Fifteen ounces of butter generally make 
 a pound at most grocery stores. 
 
 In measuring oats use a ten-foot tape-line. 
 
 Two quarts of berries is a pint measure three times full. Tell the 
 purchaser that they settled down. 
 
JULY. 49 
 
 A COMMON two-quart pail will hold four pints of water. 
 
 A BAG of paper-rags will weigh fifteen pounds, if the grocer doesn't dis- 
 cover the seven-pound cobblestone which accidentally dropped in with 
 the ravelings. 
 
 A TON of coal, if you are on hand to see it weighed, weighs 2,000 lbs. 
 If you aren't there, it shrinks from 100 to 300 lbs. Coal scales have 
 many bad weighs. 
 
 Any respectable wood-dealer will tell you that he can get a plump 
 cord of stove-wood into a wagon-box built to hold six-eighths of a cord. 
 He'll tell you this after he goes out of the business. 
 
 A PINT-BOTTLE of champagne will hold a quart, if the neck was three 
 feet longer. As it is, they hold all they can less than a pint. 
 
 An ordinary man can measure three feet at each step. So can an 
 ordinary woman, if out in a shower with a spring bonnet on. 
 
 The number of feet in a " chain " depends on whether it is a vest- 
 chain, or a log-chain. 
 
 An acre of ground, if unoccupied and near town, contains 1,678 square 
 feet of old boots, oyster cans, dead cats and soup bones. 
 
 A FURLONG is quite a bit fur-ther 'long than you thought you were. 
 
 Found Another. — The other day, the Chief of Police received a 
 letter from a resident of Macomb street, reading : 
 
 " Dear Sir. — I wish you would hunt up my wife ; she has run away. 
 
 J." 
 
 Next day a second letter came, reading : 
 
 '' Dear Sir. — You needn't mind looking up my wife. I've found a 
 woman who stands ready to marry me any minute. J." 
 
 A Cincinnati woman tried to reach the bottom of the stairs ahead 
 of a cask of vinegar, and the surgeon who fixed up her broken bones 
 said that she might try for a thousand years and yet get beaten every 
 time. 
 
50 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 His Looks Deceived Him. — He did not look like a joker. One 
 to sit and study his face would have said that his soul was so lost in 
 melancholy, that he didn't care two cents whether the sun set at noon or 
 staid up until 7 o'clock. He entered the ladies' sitting-room at the 
 Central Depot, walked up to a woman whose husband had left the room 
 about ten minutes previously, and calmly inquired, — 
 
 " Madam, your husband went out to see the river, didn't he ? " 
 
 " Yes — why } " she said, turning pale in an instant 
 
 " He was a tall man, wasn't he ? " 
 
 " He was," she replied, rising up and turning still paler. 
 
 "Had red hair?" 
 
 " He had — oh, what has happened ? " 
 
 " Weighed about one hundred and eighty pounds ? " 
 
 " Yes — yes — where is he — where is my husband ? " she exclaimed. 
 
 *' Couldn't swim, could he ? " 
 
 " He's drowned — my husband is drowned!" she wailed. 
 
 " Had a silver watch-chain ? " continued the stranger. 
 
 " Where is my husband — where is the body ? " she gasped. 
 
 "Do not get excited, madam. Did your husband have on a gray 
 suit?" 
 
 " Yes. Oh, my Thomas ! my Thomas ! " 
 
 " And stoga boots ? " 
 
 "Let me see him — let me see him ! " she cried. 
 
 " Come this way, madam, but do not get excited. There, is that your 
 husband across the street at that peanut stand ? " 
 
 "Why, yes, that's him ; that's my husband!" she exclaimed joyfully. 
 " I thought you said he was drowned." 
 
 " No, madam, I did not. I saw him buying peanuts, and I believed it 
 my duty to say to you that peanuts are not healthy at this season of the 
 year!" 
 
 He slid softly out, and she stood there and chewed her parasol, and 
 stared after him as if he were a menagerie on wheels. 
 
Eighth Mo7ith. 
 
 AUGUST. 
 
 31 Days. 
 
 Sunday \ \ 6 | 13 | 20 | 27 | 
 
 Monday \ \ 7 | 14 j 21 | 28 | 
 
 Tuesday \ 1 | 8 | i.s | 22 | 29 | 
 
 Wednesday \ 2 | 9 | 16 | 23 | 30 | 
 
 Thursday \ 3 | 10 | 17 | 24 | 31 | 
 
 Friday | 4 1 n 1 18 | 25 | | 
 
 Saturday \ 5 | 12 | 19 | 26 | | 
 
 Frost pretty well out of the 
 ground, and pennyroyal looks 
 promising. 
 
 People begin to think of 
 taking down their stoves, and 
 coal dealers stroll around 
 and cry out, "How long — 
 
 oh ! how long ! " But there is no long. 
 
 No eclipse that the undersigned has heard of. 
 
 DouBTABiLiTiES. — ist to 4th. — The horse-fly begins to let up a little, 
 warned by some mysterious voice that winter is not more than four miles 
 off. 
 
 4th to loth. — The festive huckleberry raises its pond-blue head, and 
 wails for some one to come and gather him in. 
 
 loth to 1 6th. — Comes within a hair's breadth of the date when Jacob 
 Clawhammer was born. Roses begin to draw on their boots and pre- 
 pare to say "good-bye." 
 
 i6th to 22d. — Threshing machines begin to make widows of wives, 
 and give women a chance to go on an excursion to the cemetery. May 
 be a hail-storm, but probably not. 
 
 22d to 31st. — Mad dog excitement worn down rather, thin. Asiatic 
 51 
 
52 
 
 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 cholera hasn't been around worth a cent. Grass-hoppers contracting 
 for a supply of canned fence-rails for winter provisions. 
 
 There's where a man has the advantage. He can undress in a cold 
 room and have his bed warm before a woman has got her hair-pins out 
 and her shoes untied. 
 
 Think of that ! When you take a girl to spelling-school in Nevada, 
 you have to ride twenty-four miles, and she expects you to keep your arm 
 around her all the time ! 
 
 Open for Bets. — A grocer stepped out of his door, yesterday, just as 
 
 a boy had filled his pocket with apples from a barrel, and he shouted ; 
 
 " Here ! you have been stealing apples — police ! police ! " 
 
 " Don't holler out that way ! " replied the boy, as he put the apples 
 
 back. " Bill bet me that my pocket wouldn't hold three old sockers, and 
 
 I was just trying to see. I'm open to such bets every day in the week ! " 
 
 A Detroit gentleman, walking behind two school children the other day 
 heard the boy inquire: "Will you be at the party to-night.? " "I shall 
 be there," answered the miss, " but I may as well tell you that your love 
 is hopeless. Mamma is determined, father is set, and it isn't right for me 
 to encourage your attention. I can be a sister to you, but nothing 
 more. Therefore you needn't buy me any valentine or give me anymore 
 gum." 
 
 Stuffed Owls. — The other evening, as a Woodward avenue merchant 
 was closing his store, a calm-eyed man entered and beckoned him twenty 
 feet away from the cashier's desk, and whispered : 
 
 " You've lived around here a good while, haven't you ? " 
 
 " About twelve years," was the answer. 
 
 " And you know what things are worth, don't you ? " 
 
 "Well, I suppose I do." 
 
 " And you wouldn't lie to me ? " 
 
 "What are you getting at?" demanded the merchant. 
 
 " Well, you see, there's a feller up here who wants to sell me a stuffed 
 
AUGUST. 
 
 53 
 
 owl, with yaller eyes, for 'leven dollars, but I don't believe it's worth over 
 eight ! What is the lowest cash figger on stuffed owls, anyhow ? " 
 It didn't take the merchant over twenty seconds to tell him. 
 
 Alive to Business. — Yesterday, while a lady was looking at some 
 baby wagons, in front of a Woodward avenue store, a boy stepped up, 
 and inquired, — 
 
 " Want to buy a buggy, mum ? " 
 
 "Why, yes, I thought of it," she replied. 
 
 " Better wait a day or two," he continued, in a serious tone ; " my little 
 brother's powerful sick, and if he dies we'll sell his baby-cart at half 
 what it cost ! " 
 
 Too Deep For Him. — What's de occasion of that big smoke over 
 dar ? " inquired one colored man of another, at the market, yesterday. 
 
 " Fire, sah," was the answer. 
 
 " And what's de occasion of de fire ? " 
 
 " Combustshun." 
 
 " And what's combustshun ? " 
 
 " My friend," replied the other, crossing his legs, " dar's heaps of 
 things in dis woruld dat no nigger ever knowed, or ever will know, an' 
 we'll change de subject to gooseberries." 
 
 When a Detroit sign-painter gets to work there is no " stopping " him. 
 He says, — " Groceries provisions sugars teas oils codfish starch the nim- 
 ble sixpence is our motto we cant be undersold if you dont see what you 
 want ask for it." 
 
 It doesn't look very well for a Green Bay paper to rise up and remark 
 that Green Bay never had an elopement. A word — a look — may set 
 a woman to thinking and planning. 
 
 A Young lady in Alabama said she guessed she knew how to shoot a 
 pistol. The doctor who dug the bullet out of her brother's leg said he 
 guessed so too. 
 
Ninth Month. 
 
 SEPTEMBER. 
 
 30 Days. 
 
 Sunday \ \ 3 | 10 | 17 | 24 | 
 
 Monday \ \ 4 | 11 | 18 | 2t; | 
 
 Tuesday \ | 5 | 12 | 19 | 26 | 
 
 Wednesday \ \ 6 | 13 | 20 | 27 | 
 
 Thursday \ 7 | 14 | 21 | 28 | 
 
 Friday \ 1 | 8 | 15 | 22 | 29 | 
 
 Saturday \ 2 | 9 | 16 | 23 | 30 | 
 
 Hotel gongs were invent- 
 ed in this month. 
 
 Mother-in-law begins to 
 ask for a fire in her room, 
 and takes a hot brick to 
 bed with her feet. 
 
 Eclipse in Rhode Island. 
 Room for three slim men, exclusive of home population. 
 
 Centennial begins to wind. 
 
 The new potato now assumes definite size and shape. The blushing 
 pumpkin skulks before the public with down-east eyes. 
 
 Doubtabilities. — I St to 3rd. — No further need to "plug "water 
 melons. The sentimental young lady thinks she hears the sighing breeze 
 whispering sad thoughts of desolation and dispair, but it's only old Brown 
 yelling at his oxen. Paper collars assume a stiffer appearance. 
 
 3rd to 9th. — Hot weather 'in South America. Czar of Russia orders 
 the boys to coal up. Time now for plowing. If you are going to plow 
 the raging sea, take a ship. The sunflower begins to hunt his den. 
 
 loth. — Perry's victory. Such Perry ants should be honored by their 
 children. 
 
 54 
 
SEPTEMBER. 
 
 55 
 
 nth, i2th, 13th, 14th. — Nothing to brag of. 
 
 15th to 25th. — Cows show a disposition to take long walks in the gar- 
 den, and sit in the arbor and meditate. Handsome thing for meditation, 
 but hard on vegetables. 
 
 September has only 30 days, but this great and glorious country can't 
 be ruined by any such trifle as that. 
 
 Be careful of your diet. A Georgian held a strawberry in his teeth for 
 a young lady to bite at, and she bit half his nose off. 
 
 She Wanted an Epitaph. — She came in from the country a few days 
 ago, and ordered a head-stone for the grave of her departed husband. 
 The marble-cutter was to have it ready yesterday, when she was to come 
 in again with the inscription, have the letters carved on, and take the 
 stone away. 
 
 She was on time, but she wore an anxious, troubled look, having failed 
 to write up such a notice as she thought the stone ought to bear. 
 
 " I want suthin' that'll do my poor dead Homer justiss,'' she explained 
 to the marble-cutter. " I think I ought to have one or two verses of 
 poetry, and then a line or two at the bottom, — suthin' like ' Meet me 
 on the other shore,' you know." 
 
 The cutter said he thought he could get up something, and she 
 entered the office, and he took out twenty-three sheets of foolscap and 
 three pen-holders, and set to work, while she held her breath for fear of 
 disturbing his thoughts. He ground away for a while, and scratched 
 out and wrote in, and finally said he'd got the neatest thing that ever 
 went upon white marble. It read, — 
 
 IN MEMORY 
 
 of 
 
 HOMER CLINK, 
 
 Who died 
 
 October 13, 1873. 
 
 Aged 41 years, 7 months, 21 days. 
 
 My husband was a noble man, 
 
 Of me he much did think : 
 
^6 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 And I'll never see another man 
 Like my poor Homer Clink. 
 
 " Isn't that bully?" asked the man, as he finished reading the inscrip, 
 tion. 
 
 " It's purty fair, but ," replied the widow. 
 
 " But what, madam ? " 
 
 '' Why, you see, he was good and kind, and was alius to hum nights, 
 and all that, but I may find another man just as good, you know. I 
 have said that I wouldn't marry again, but I may change my mind, and 
 I guess we'd better tinker up that verse, a little. And, besides, you 
 didn't get anything on the bottom." 
 
 She went out and rambled among the tombstones, while the cutter 
 ground away again, and just as she had become interested in a dog-fight, 
 he called her in and read the new inscription. The first part was as be- 
 fore, but his poetry read, — 
 
 " My husband is dead, 
 My poor Homer Clink, 
 
 And in the cold ground they have laid him ; 
 He was always home nights, 
 Never got into fights, 
 
 But death come along and betrayed him." 
 " I shall meet him on the other shore, where all is lovely, and 
 where sickness never comes." 
 
 " There, how's that ? " inquired the poet, a bland smile covering his 
 face. "Seems to me as if that went right to the heart." 
 
 The woman took the paper, read the notice over four or five times, 
 and finally said, — 
 
 " I don't want to seem partikler about this, and I know I am makin' a 
 good deal of trouble. That would do for most any one else — it's the 
 real poetry, but I'd like suthin' kinder different, somehow. He was a 
 a noble man. He never give me a cross word in his life — not one. 
 He'd be out of bed at daylight, start the fire,— and I never got up till I 
 heard him grinding the coffee. He was a good provider, he was. He 
 
SEPTEMBER. 
 
 57 
 
 never bought any damaged goods, because he couldn't git 'em cheap ; 
 
 and he never scrimped me on sugar and tea, as some folks do. I can't 
 
 help but weep when I think of him ! " 
 
 She sobbed away for a while, and then brightened up, and said, — 
 
 " Of course, I'll meet him in heaven. It's all right. As I told you, I 
 
 may never marry again, though I can't tell what I'll be driven to. Just 
 
 try once more." 
 
 She sat down to an old almanac, and the cutter resumed his pen. He 
 
 seemed to get the right idea at once, and it wasn't fifteen minutes before 
 
 he had the third notice ground out. It read, — 
 
 IN MEMORY 
 of 
 
 HOMER CLINK, 
 
 Who died 
 Oct. 13, 1873, 
 Aged 41 yrs. 7 mos. 21 dys. 
 
 He was the kindest sort o' man, 
 
 He was a good provider ; 
 And when a friend asked him to drink 
 
 He always called for cider. 
 
 His wife she has a noble heart, 
 
 And though she may re-marry ; 
 When'er she thinks of Homer Clink 
 
 Her heart a sigh will carry. 
 
 " He has crossed the dark river, and found peace and good health." 
 "That's good, — that just hits me!" exclaimed the widow, tears 
 coming to her eyes. " I've got to go and do some trading, and I'll be 
 back in two hours. Put the inscription on handsome like, and I shan't 
 mind two dollars extra." 
 
 About noon, her one-horse wagon backed up to the dealer's, and as 
 the stone was loaded up, the widow's face wore a quiet smile of satisfac- 
 tion. 
 
58 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 He Knows How To Work It. — When a Sixth street boy wants a 
 pair of skates or a jack-knife, he never thinks of asking his father for 
 them, but states his wants to his mother. She answers that times are 
 hard, and he must wait awhile, and he turns away with the remark, — 
 
 " Very well, mother. You may give my sled to Johnny Maloney, and 
 my dog to Jack Spar." 
 
 " What do you mean .? " she wildly inquires. 
 
 " And let Coroner Griffin hold the inquest ! " he continues, making for 
 the door. 
 
 She overtakes him, entreats him not to go and kill himself, and in 
 about fifteen minutes she is seen on her way up town after the skates. 
 
 Philosophy. — About midnight, Friday night, a policeman found a man 
 seated on the steps of the post office, very quiet but pretty drunk, and 
 he asked him why he did not go home. 
 
 " 'Cause," replied the man, " 'cause if I should go home now and my 
 wife should go for me, it would hurt my feelings. If I wait till I get 
 about two pegs drunker, she niay talk all night, and it'll slide right off'n 
 my shoulders like greased lightning going down hill." 
 
 He was allowed to wait. 
 
 The Pinch. — A colored dame encountered a policeman on Beaubien 
 street, one day, and halting him, she inquired, — 
 
 " Spose'n dat a purson spits in anoder parson's face, is dat anything ? " 
 
 " Well, no," replied the officer. 
 
 " Wall, spose'n dat purson whose face was spit into should take de 
 poker and drop de purson who done de spitting, and cut a big gash in 
 dat purson's head, would dat be anything } " 
 
 " That would be a serious case, madam. Did any one strike you with 
 a poker?" 
 
 " Dat's whar de pinch comes in. Ize de one who done de hitting 1 " 
 she exclaimed, lifting her hands in amazement and horror. 
 
Tenth Month. 
 
 OCTOBER. 
 
 31 Days. 
 
 Sunday 
 
 n 
 
 8 
 
 '5 
 
 22 
 
 29 1 
 
 Monday 
 
 2 
 
 9 
 
 16 
 
 23 
 
 30 1 
 
 Tuesday 
 
 3 
 
 10 
 
 17 
 
 24 
 
 31 J 
 
 Wednesday 
 
 4 
 
 11 
 
 18 
 
 25 1 1 
 
 Thursday 
 
 5 
 
 12 
 
 19 
 
 26 1 1 
 
 Friday 
 
 6| 
 
 13 
 
 20 
 
 27 1 1 
 
 Saturday 
 
 7| 
 
 14 
 
 21 
 
 28 1 1 
 
 Centennial closes this 
 month, and the country has 
 been saved. 
 
 Linen coats begin to look, 
 care-worn and down-hearted. 
 
 Moon returns from Sara- 
 
 Chattle mortgages given in June, to enable folks to go to Long 
 Branch, begin fo fall due now. 
 
 Henry Patrick was born in this month, — six weeks too late to go in 
 swimming, and two months too early to play with icicles. 
 
 DouBTABiLiTiEs. — ist to 5th. — Take the well-pole and knock down 
 the red-cheeked apples. Give the grind-stone a fall coat of paint. 
 
 5th to 9th. — Shah of Persia sends down word for his tailor to trot 
 up to the palace and get out timber for a new overcoat. Cold, gray 
 clouds skulking around, — newspapers begin to publish a list of the frogs 
 which have taken up winter quarters in port. 
 
 9th to 1 6th. — Suck the juicy grape and devour the puckery per- 
 simmon. Haul in on the slack of your corn crop,— lower away the 
 rotund potato and make all snug. 
 
 1 6th to 20th. — Heat and cold and other kinds of weather. The 
 boys evince a disposition to sleep spoon-fashion. The family cat goes 
 into quarters under the kitchen stove. 59 
 
6o GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 2oth to 27th. — Expect rain, but there won't be any. The blue- 
 bird sends his satchel to the depot and orders it checked for South 
 Carolina. 
 
 27th to 31st. — Bald-headed men begin to swear about the coal 
 mine strikes. Cows hunt for the sunny side of the barn-yard, and medi- 
 tate on the rise in woollen goods. Old maids may be seen trundling 
 wheelbarrow loads of brick home. Everything indicates that the next 
 thing will be something else. 
 
 Splitting the Difference. — When a farmer drives into town on 
 Michigan avenue with a load of wood, and is met by a man who wants 
 fuel, the man asks, — 
 
 " How much for that wood ? " 
 
 " $5.00" is the reply. 
 
 "Give you $4.50." 
 
 "Can't do it." 
 
 The man walks up and down, and the farmer stands and swings his 
 arms to warm his hands. 
 
 " Well, say $4.75," says the man, at last. 
 
 "Can't take less'n five," replies the farmer. 
 
 Another pause, and the man says, — 
 
 " Well, say $4.80." 
 
 "That's nice wood — worth $5.00," is the reply. 
 
 "Well, call it $4.90." 
 
 Farmer walks around, ponders the subject, and finally says, — ^ 
 
 " See here, I don't want to be stingy and mean ; I'll split the differ- 
 ence, and we'll call it $4.99." 
 
 Couldn't Console Him.— A policeman, yesterday, tried to console a 
 
 small boy who was crying over a fall, by saying, — 
 " Why, you didn't fall half so far as I would have to." 
 " I know it," sniffled the lad, " but you've got a good deal more to fall 
 
 on than I have ! " 
 
OCTOBER. 6 I 
 
 Remarkable Transformation. — She seemed about eighteen years 
 old, as she tripped down Woodward avenue. She struck an icy spot, 
 uttered a cry, and was discovered sitting down. Several men rushed up, 
 and as they extended their hands, they beheld a gaunt, old face, where 
 they had, but one moment before, observed rosy cheeks and a dimpled 
 mouth. They stared at her in painful surprise, unable to comprehend 
 what had occurred, and she picked up her teeth and false hair, and 
 limped into a store. 
 
 A Michigan man couldn't find a comb or a hair-brush in a Kansas 
 hotel, and when he complained about it the landlord replied, — 
 
 " If you are so particular as all that, you ought to have brought the 
 Astor House along with you." 
 
 Quoting from the Bible. — Yesterday, while several colored men 
 were loafing around the central market, and talking over the Louisiana 
 troubles, one of them heaved a sigh, and said, — 
 
 " It's bad business. De Bible says, ' He dat lives by de sword shall 
 die like de whirlwind,' and dose fellers had better look out ! " 
 
 Couldn't Fool Him. — A farmer, having sold his load of produce at 
 the market, yesterday, stepped into an oyster establishment to make a 
 purchase of a can. 
 
 "Forty cents," said the clerk, as he handed down a can. 
 
 The farmer turned it over, failed to see any X's on the can, and he 
 put up his wallet, and replied, — 
 
 " You can't shark me, mister. I know where I can get cans with three 
 X's on 'era for that money." 
 
 The clerk wrestled with him, but his explanations couldn't sell the 
 can. 
 
 Philosophy. — When a Detroit boy is out until half-past ten o'clock in 
 the evening, and his father says to him, — "Boy, the first thing in the 
 morning I'll settle this with you ! " that boy arises at daylight, seeks the 
 buck-saw and wood-pile, and he never lets up for a moment until after 
 his father has eaten his breakfast and left the house. 
 
62 
 
 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 A Wife's Influence. — A middle-aged man was on trial at the Cen- 
 tral Station Court, yesterday morning, for drunkenness, and as he pleaded 
 guilty, his Honor said he would have to make it thirty days. The pris- 
 oner glanced around, saw his wife in the room, and hastened to say, — 
 " Do me a great favor, your Honor — make it plump three months ! " 
 His request was complied with, and the prisoner wore a grin of triumph 
 as he turned to his viife. 
 
 She Could. — An old lady, riding on a street car yesterday, took a 
 clay pipe and tobacco from her pocket, and after filling the pipe and 
 
 borrowing a match, she leaned back for a smoke. The conductor 
 entered the car, tapped her on the shoulder, and said, — 
 
 " You can't smoke in here." 
 
 " I know it's a leetle crowded," she replied, as she looked up, " but 
 I'm used to travellin', an' I guess I can put up with it ! " 
 
 She was allowed to finish her pipe. 
 
 Not Posted. — The other day, as father and son were riding on a 
 Fort street car, the boy whispered to his parent, — 
 
 " There's a lady over there who hasn't combed her hair in a week ! " 
 
 The father saw before him a lady whose hair was full of tangles, curls, 
 and rat's nests, as is the fashion, and he replied to the boy, — 
 
 " Don't you know better than that ? Why, she's been a whole month 
 trying to make her hair look just that way ! " 
 
Eleventh Mo?ith. 
 
 NO VEMBER. 
 
 30 Days. 
 
 Sunday \ 
 
 1 5 
 
 12 
 
 19 
 
 26 1 
 
 Monday \ 
 
 1 6| 
 
 13 
 
 20 
 
 37 1 
 
 Tuesday 
 
 1 7 
 
 14 
 
 21 
 
 28 1 
 
 Wednesday \ 
 
 i| 8 
 
 ^s 
 
 22 
 
 29 1 
 
 Thursday \ 
 
 2| 9 
 
 16 
 
 23 
 
 3°l 
 
 Friday \ 
 
 3|io 
 
 17 
 
 24 1 1 
 
 Saturday \ 
 
 4 1 II 
 
 18 
 
 ^sl 1 
 
 The King of Dahomey 
 may get his stove-wood piled 
 up. 
 
 The black bear keeps both 
 eyes open to find apartments 
 for the winter. Prefers them 
 on the ground floor. 
 
 The inspector of gas-metres now admits that life has much worth liv- 
 ing for. 
 
 Get your lettuce and peas under cover, and say farewell to strawberry 
 short-cake. 
 
 DouBTABiLiTiES. — ist to 4th. — Wet on the Lakes ; a good deal of 
 water around. 
 
 4th to 7th. — Husking bees. Any one who finds a girl with a red ear 
 is entitled to kiss her. Proper time now to go down to the saw-mill and 
 steal enough boards to repair your barn. A merciful man is merciful to 
 his beast, and if you go at night you won't be detected. 
 
 7th to 15th. — Take in your mosquito-bars, and sing a requiem o'er 
 the grave of cotton socks. Good time to wander along the pebbly 
 beach, and listen to the murmur of the sad sea waves, and get a sore 
 throat and a cold in the head. 
 63 
 
64 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 15th to 22nd. — Ascertain where your neighbor is going to pile his 
 wood, and make your arrangements accordingly. 
 
 22nd to 27th. — Buy your girl a pair of No. 10 Arctic overshoes. 
 27th to 30th. — Keep dry. 
 
 Up to this date the month of November has had but thirty days, but 
 the country is growing and improving, and the public should be hopeful. 
 
 An elephant is 1,227,386 times larger than a flea, but yet there are 
 women who growl at paying two shillings to visit a menagerie, and will 
 turn a feather bed over for half a day to hunt a flea. 
 
 There is something grand and terrible in the look of a mother, as 
 she hauls the pptato basket out of the pantry, makes a hurried inspec- 
 tion, and calls out, — " Celestia Jane! every 'tater in this basket has 
 been friz ! " 
 
 What Ailed Him. — A fat citizen, whose shirt-bosom was torn and 
 blood-stained, hat staved in and coat collar dangling around his heels, 
 was, the other day, seen making his way up Clifford street at a trot. 
 Encountering an acquaintance he was asked, — 
 
 " Thunder and blazes ! What ails you ? " 
 
 " Halted back there to put a stop to a family fight ! " gasped the fat 
 man, as he hurried forward. 
 
 While a young lady was standing on the wharf, at the foot of Second 
 street, waving her handkerchief at a schooner lying in the stream, a 
 boy came along, and inquired, — 
 
 " Know anybody aboard ? " 
 
 " No, I don't, but they are waving their handkerchiefs at me," she 
 replied. 
 
 " Hand (ha!) ker (hoo) chief! " he exclaimed, dropping his basket, 
 and leaning against a woodpile ; " why, them's the men's shirts hung up 
 to dry ! " 
 
 She waved into a warehouse. 
 
NOVEMBER. 65 
 
 An Ancient Gaul. — He walked out of the depot, with a satchel in 
 his hand — a good looking satchel, yet terribly gaunt and thin. If satch- 
 els had ribs, one could have seen that satchel's ribs, and noted how 
 thin in flesh it was. When a professor of hack-driving asked the 
 stranger if he would have a carriage, he smiled blandly and replied, — 
 
 " Not this time, Colonel — not just now, although I warn thee that it 
 is plebian-like for a duke to walk around with his baggage in his hand, 
 I am in search of a hostelry — a caravansar}^, where I can recuperate and 
 refresh." 
 
 When he stood before the hotel clerk, the clerk noted that the 
 stranger's hat was full of dents and caves ; that his shirt-front was 
 badly soiled ; that his garments were becoming threadbare, and that 
 there was need of thorough repair. 
 
 " I desire a seat at the banquet-board, without delay," said the 
 stranger. " I have travelled far and feel the need of refreshment." 
 
 The clerk smiled as the satchel was lifted over the counter. He 
 " hefted " it and smiled again. 
 
 "I carry the ducats here, in my wallet," said the stranger, "and after 
 I have sipped the amber mocha, and carved the spring poultry, I shall 
 cheerfully requite thee." 
 
 He might have seventy-five cents about him — the clerk would chance 
 it. Victory lurked in the stranger's eye as he turned to one of the bell- 
 boys, and said, — 
 
 " Youthful slave, conduct me to a place where I can lave my fevered 
 brow." 
 
 He was conducted, and after he had laved, he looked a little better. 
 Even a boot-black is improved by a liberal application of soap and 
 water. Still, there was that lank satchel behind the counter, those 
 thread-bare garments and that hungry voice. 
 
 " Now, serf, proceed to the banquet hall, and I will follow thee." said 
 the stranger, as he ran a coarse comb over his head for the last time. 
 
 Seated at the table and approached by a waiter, he remarked, — 
 
 "Thoii can'st bring me rare viands of any kind, and I shall not quarrel 
 with thee about the cookery." 
 
66 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 "Beefsteak — fried ham — mutton chops or Uver ?" queried the girl. 
 
 " Fair lady, to thine own good judgement do I leave it," he replied ; 
 " only let wings be added to thy speed, for my castle is leagues away, 
 and I hunger." 
 
 She brought him a well-selected stock of groceries and provisions, 
 and he got away with them, as a steam ditcher goes down through sandy 
 soil. He ate his fill, and then he crammed another meal down on top of 
 that. He emptied his coffee cup again and again, and when he finally 
 rose from the table he could hardly lift himself. Turning to the fatigued 
 waiter, he gently said, — 
 
 " Fair maiden of che valley, thou hast done thy culinary work in a 
 manner which speaks volumes for thee. Permit me to offer thee my 
 heartfelt thanks." 
 
 He strolled into the office, put some matches in one vest pocket, and, 
 some tooth -picks in the other, and leaning his elbow on the counter, 
 said to the clerk, — 
 
 " Thou knowest thy duties well, and when I am far away I shall gladly 
 sound thy praise." 
 
 " Come, no fooling now — out with that seventy-five cents." 
 
 " As soon as my retainers arrive I shall give thee a weighty purse, and 
 thou can'st keep every ducat in it." 
 
 " Ducats be hanged ! I want scrip — nickles — stamps! I want pay 
 for your breakfast ! " " 
 
 "Gently, my friend with the Roman nose," continued the stranger; 
 " thou can'st not say I am a lord or a duke in disguise." 
 
 " And I don't care a cent ! Are you going to pay ? " 
 
 " Am I going to turn these fragments of wood into gold?" queried 
 the stranger, as he held up a number of pine tooth-picks. 
 
 The clerk came out of the office, — having the lean satchel in his 
 hand, — and he took the stranger to the door, kicked him with great 
 good will, and pointed up the street. 
 
 " I go," said the man, in a solemn voice, "but when my retainers 
 arrive I shall seek revenge — human gore shall be shed to satisfy 
 me!" 
 
NOVEMBER. 
 
 67 
 
 "You want to gore right away from here — quick -- smart !" ex- 
 claimed the clerk. 
 
 He went. His face was clouded for a moment, but then a grand smile 
 covered it, and he stopped a newsboy and asked, — 
 
 " My faithful minion, can'st thou direct me to an office over the door 
 of which hangs the traditionary golden balls of the base money-lender 
 — a place where I may exchange a few precious heirlooms for some vile 
 dross?" 
 
 And the boy did. 
 
Twelvth Mo7ith. 
 
 DECEMBER. 
 
 3 1 Days. 
 
 Sunday \ \ 3 | lo | 17 | 24 | 31 
 
 Monday \ \ 4 | 11 | 18 | 25 | 
 
 Diesday \ \ 5 | 12 | 19 | 26 | 
 
 Wedtiesday \ \ 6 | 13 | 20 | 27 | 
 
 Thursday \ \ 7 | 14 | 21 | 28 | 
 
 Friday \ i| 8I15I22I29I 
 
 Saturday \ 2 | 9 | 16 | 23.I 30 | 
 
 Nevada saloon - keepers 
 commence to saw their whis- 
 key into ten-cent chunks. 
 
 Don Quixote was born in 
 this month. 
 
 Last man gets away from 
 Saratoga, and the bell-boys 
 go over to the store to hurry up those diamond pins. 
 
 Fire companies meet and declare that the season has opened better 
 than could have been expected. 
 
 People who got drunk on election day are now able to turn a corner 
 without rolling off the sidewalk. 
 
 DouBTABiLiTiES. — ist to 3d. — Buy Lake Shore. 
 
 3d to 5th. — Grease the doorsteps and prepare for business. 
 
 5th to nth. — Mother-in-law begins to grow sassy. Dogs howl 
 mournfully. Look out for storms on Lake Erie. Old women begin to 
 remember the Morgan excitement. 
 
 5th to 9th. — Stable your ducks. 
 
 9th to 1 6th. — Frost begins to spook around right smart. Good time 
 for frosted cake. 
 
 1 6th to 2 1 St. — Ghosts. 
 68 
 
DECEMBER. 69 
 
 2ist to 24th. — Right time to hunt for Captain Kidd's buried treasure 
 Hang up your sock. Santa Claus crosses the State line. 
 25th. — Turkey. 
 25th to 29th. — Pick the bones. 
 29th to 31st. — Goose for New Years. 
 
 Propositions of marriage, in Nevada, are written on postal cards, and 
 the answer comes by return mail : " Come on with^our preacher ! " 
 
 A Pennsylvania paper has a wood-cut likeness of Captain Kidd, the 
 pirate, and it won't lend it to the other paper in that town to publish 
 as the likeness of a self-made man. Such meanness cannot fail to be 
 terribly rewarded. 
 
 "What's this crowd around here for ?" demanded a policeman, the 
 other night, as he came upon a dozen boys grouped near the gate of the 
 house on Second street. " Keep still," replied one of the lads, " there 
 comes old John, tight as a brick, and we're waitipg here to see his wife 
 pop him with the rolling pin, as he opens the front door." 
 
 No Show for Him. — Saturday afternoon, while the rope-walker was 
 going through his performances, a boy, about twelve years old, turned to 
 an acquaintance of the same age, and remarked, — 
 
 " Tom, don't you wish you could do that ? " 
 
 " Yes, I do," sadly replied Tom, " but my folks make me go to school, 
 and are determined that I shan't never be nobody ! " 
 
 It was a Bee. — Any one passing along Howard street, just before 
 noon, yesterday, would have seen him lying under one of the shade trees in 
 his yard, a pillow under his head, his feet on a bench, and a magazine in 
 his hands. He looked the picture of comfort and contentment ; and the 
 women who were going along with pull-back dresses on, sighed and 
 wished they were men. 
 
 The great city hall bell struck the hour of noon. The deep-toned 
 echoes floated out on the still summer air, and touched a tender cord in 
 the Howard-street man's heart. The echoes sounded to him like funeral 
 
70 
 
 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 whispers — like the whispers of the night wind sighing through the grand 
 old wilderness. 
 
 " Oh, solemn bell ! " he said " Oh, sad^ solemn ! " 
 
 That was all he said about the bell. A bumble bee settled down on 
 him to look for sugar, and as he turned partly over he, gave the bee a 
 rub. It is a bad thing to rub any kind of a bee. He feels insulted and 
 gets annoyed at things which a mud turtle or a dove would pass by 
 without a thought. The echoes of the bell were just dying away when 
 the Howard-street man got up. He got up like a man in a hurry. He 
 went away from there. He didn't meander — he went like a rocket. 
 Something seemed to ail him. " He made a line for the house, went up 
 the steps at a bound, and, as his wife asked him the cause of his haste, 
 he replied, — 
 
 " Thunder — oop ! hoop ! " 
 
 " Is this house on fire? " she asked, as he tore around the parlor and 
 upset things. 
 
 " House be oop ! Lbrdy ! " he answered, as he made a circle of 
 
 the room and dashed into the hall. 
 
 The dog rushed after him, the wife rushed after the dog, and the man 
 bounded out of the house. 
 
 " Are you crazy, Robert ? " shrieked the wife, as she beheld him pound- 
 ing his legs with his new silk hat. 
 
 Two or three boys ran in from the street, a strange dog came in and 
 got up a fight, and all things conspired to make a lively time. 
 
 " He's got the colic ! " yelled one of the boys. 
 
 " Or the tremers ! " shouted another. 
 
 " See that hat! " called a third. 
 
 " Boys, go out of here," whispered the panting man, after he had 
 stopped using his hat. They went out, and as he limped into the house, 
 his tearful wife asked, — 
 
 "Now, then, will you tell me what has happened ? " 
 
 "No, I won't!" he shouted, and he didn't. She fell into hysterics 
 at the thought that he had used his brain too much, and had suddenly 
 
ALMANACS. 
 
 71 
 
 become crazed ; and he went down to the drug store and applied arnica 
 to the spot, and informed the clerk that 11,000 of the largest kind of 
 bumble-bees settled right down on him in a body. 
 
 " Have you ' Goldsmith's Greece ? ' '' was asked of the clerk in a store 
 in which books and various miscellaneous articles were sold. " No," 
 said the clerk, reflectively, " we haven't Goldsmith's Greece, but we 
 have some splendid hair-oil." 
 
 Couldn't Fool Him. — He was past the prime of life, but yet there 
 was a good deal of life in him. He came into the drug store to get some 
 quinine for his " shakes," and a pile of almanacs, on the counter, at- 
 tracted his attention. He picked one up, opened it, and it was plain to 
 be seen that he was not a professor of almanacey. He happened to 
 open it at the September calendar. The day was Wednesday, and the 
 month July. His eye fell on "Wednesday" in the calendar, he saw 
 the date "September i6th ;" and after a smile of incredulit}^, he tossed 
 the almanac back and said to himself : " When a man, or a beast, or a 
 book gits up an' tells me that September comes in July, I'll just walk 
 right away from 'em ! " 
 
 Almanacs. — Almanacs are always handy things to have around the 
 house. Every well-arranged house-wife uses the family almanac for a 
 holder, a dust-brush and a table-mat, and her children find no end of 
 amusement in looking at the beautiful pictures of angels, scorpions, 
 harps, lions, pirates, wind-mills, fishes and mermaids, and in reading 
 about Buffalo Bill, and other noted tyrants and acrobats. 
 
 If I were a poor man, with a family of sixty or seventy children de- 
 pending on my daily toil for their silk dresses and broad-cloth suits, and 
 had my choice between having thirteen of my relatives come in from the 
 country to visit me for three or four weeks, or of having an almanac in 
 the house, I should tell 'em to send up the almanac by special train. It 
 is comfort for the living, consolation for the dying ; and no unabridged 
 dictionary can begin with an almanac for dates and things. 
 
72 
 
 GOAKS AND TEARS. 
 
 THE CROPS. 
 
 The grasshopper crop of 1875 was the largest ever harvested, 
 although no special effort was made on the part of agriculturists to 
 render it a champion crop. 
 
 Owing to the fine weather in May and June, the potato-bug crop turned 
 out much better than was anticipated. Many farmers who didn't expect 
 to raise a single bug harvested millions of them. It is confidently 
 expected that there will be any quantity of bugs, for foreign shipment, 
 after the home market has been supplied. 
 
 The fishing season opened beautifully, and continued fine throughout 
 the season. Over twenty men were noticed going around the corner with 
 a rock-bass on a string. 
 
 The area devoted to the cultivation of the cotcon-worm was not so 
 large as in 1874, but every planter's want has been fully supplied, and 
 there is no grumbling about a scarcity. 
 
 There hasn't been a great many whirlwinds or tornadoes, owing to the 
 backward season ; but those maturing w-ere of good size, headed ^out 
 well, and will supply the market through the winter. 
 
 THE STOCKS. 
 
JUST PUBLISHED! 
 
 GOOD HUMOR. 
 
 BY 
 
 ^'THE DANDURY NEWS MAN," 
 "M. QUAD," 
 
 W. H. H. MURRAY, 
 
 THACKERAY, 
 
 DICKENS, 
 
 And Others. 
 
 One of the most humorous and readable book of the season, paper 
 covers, price 25 cents, for sale by all newsdealers, or sent by mail on 
 receipt of price. 
 
 H L SHEPARD & CO. 
 
 BOSTON AND CHICAGO, 
 
THACKERAYANA: 
 
 NOTES AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 ILLUSTRATED BY SKETCHES BY WILLIAM MAKE- 
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 DIRECTING HUMOROUS INCIDENTS IN HIS SCHOOL LIFE, AND FAVORITE 
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 Illustrated, price in cloth extra, $1.50. 
 
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 ACHSAH. 
 
 By the Rev. PETER PENNOT. 
 
 Which the Boston Daily Globe pronounces the BEST AMERICAN 
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 Price in cloth, extra, gilt top, ... $2.50 
 
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 A SIMPLE ACCOUNT OF MAN IN EARLY TIMES. By,EDWARD Clodd. 
 
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 style, thoueh the author reasonably hopes that older people will use it as a source of mforma- 
 tion, not popularly accessible elsewhere, as to the life of primitive man and its relation to oar 
 own."— E. B. Taylor, Author of "Primitive Culture," etc., etc. 
 
 Qoth, extra, . $ -Ti 
 
Henr y L. Shepard & Co., Publishers, 31 H awley St., Boston. 
 
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 THE DEAD ALIVE. By Wilkie Collins, the greatest English novelist. 
 Extract from the Author's Appended Note :— It may not be amiss to add for tke 
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 lOUt of ten, the invention of the author. 
 
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