Glass 
 Book 
 
 PRESENTED BY" 
 
 •"^0 
 

 
 f^ S^**"" '**'^ 
 
 C HARLEM W, SEVER PUBLISHER. CAMBR iqCeTmassT 1870. 
 
 
i.'^Sii; •&'/;'^c '■■'^■^ ■ l '^^•^^:?^^^l^y^^*v-: -/^^> 'v; 
 
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THE 
 
 Little Tin Gods-on-WheelS: 
 
 OR, 
 
 ^octets in our JHotJcrn §.ti}ensi. 
 
 A Trilogy after the Manner of the Greek. 
 
 By ROBERT GRANT. 
 
 ILLUSTRATED BY F. G. ATTWOOD. 
 
 FJiOM THE ''HARVARD LAMPOON."" 
 
 BTGHTH EDITIOIT. 
 
 CAMBRIDGE : 
 CHARLES W. SEVER, 
 
 University Bookstore. 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 
 CHARLES T. DILLINGHAM. 
 
 1880. 
 

 v^ 
 
 ^^ 
 
 Copyright, 
 
 Charles W. Sever 
 
 1879. 
 
 
 University Press: 
 John Wilson & Son, Cambridgb- 
 
THE 
 
 LITTLE TIN GODS-ON-WHEELS. 
 
 THE WALLFLOWERS. 
 A TRAGEDY AFTER THE MANNER OF THE GREEK. 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSON/B. 
 
 Miss Tigerlily, a wallflower. 
 
 Mr. Carnation, a kind-hearted bttt inexperienced ymmg man. 
 
 Mr. Crocus, a worldling of smne years' standing. 
 
 Chorus of wallflowers, fashionable young men, etc. 
 
 The scene is laid in Boston, the Modern Athens. The atrtain rises on 
 a magnificent ballroom. Many are dancing. MiSS Tigerlily and 
 a groiip of wallflowers are huddled together at one end of the room. 
 Around the door are groups of young men. 
 
 CHORUS OF WALLFLOWERS. 
 
 WE the unfortunate, dull and respectable, 
 Good, but not beautiful, no one will speak to, 
 Fearing lest they will be stuck on us during the 
 Whole of the evening. Men are but simpering 
 Idiots any way. Little we care for them, 
 Rarely we think of them. All our delight is in 
 Culture and intellect, sense and refinement. 
 
4 The Littk Tin Gods-on- Wheels. 
 
 We should not wish to be worldly and beautiful, 
 Foolish and frivolous. No, not for anything. 
 
 Enter Mr. Carnation with his of era hat, embossed with a gorgeous 
 monogram, under his arm. He scans the various groups with m 
 troubled air, and then soliloquizes as follows : — 
 
 CARNATION. 
 
 O, what a selfish place is this gay world ! 
 
 Alas ! it wounds me to the quick to see 
 
 That ghastly row of unattended maids 
 
 Glued, meek as heifers, to the garnished wall. 
 
 Shy, shrinking flowers, who but need the sun 
 
 Of some man's smile to bloom in peerless beauty; 
 
 And others plain as pikestaffs, but with minds 
 
 Cultured and stored with lore of Greece and Rome, 
 
 (Ah, what is beauty but a trap and snare, 
 
 Unless there is a mind to back it up !) 
 
 Around the door a throng of callous brutes, 
 
 Who claim the name of men, stand unconcerned 
 
 And see these frail exotics droop and wilt 
 
 Without a pang, and then go idly home. 
 
 Not such am I. This noble spirit stirs 
 
 Me up to action. I will show these curs 
 
 That Chivalry lives still and cannot die. 
 
 What ho I there ! Crocus, will you kindly give me 
 
 An introduction to that girl in pink ? 
 
 CROCUS. 
 
 Great Caesar's ghost ! My dear boy, do you know 
 That that rare maid in pink is she whom men 
 
The Wallflowers. 5 
 
 Who know her style in playful irony 
 
 *' Old Prob," because she ne'er was known to talk 
 
 Of anything but weather, winds, and rain ? 
 
 You will be stuck as sure as you are born. 
 
 Believe me, I should much prefer to be 
 
 " A pagan suckled in a creed outworn," 
 
 Than talk to her. 
 
 CARNATION. 
 
 Stop, ruthless man! thank Heaven 
 My heart is not yet hardened by the world. 
 Poor lamb I I '11 talk to thee for all thy weather. 
 
 CROCUS. 
 
 Carnation, in the name of goodness, pause ! 
 Let not your tender nature rule your reason ; 
 I vow she 's nothing but a mere barometer. 
 
 CARNATION. 
 
 I swear I '11 speak to her. Unhand me, Crocus ; 
 
 By Heaven! I'll make mince-meat of him that stops me. 
 
 He drags Crocus up to Miss Tigerlily. Crocus introduces him 
 and immediately leaves. CARNATION begins to talk to her in the 
 most charming and animated way in the background. She replies 
 languidly. 
 
 CHORUS OF FASHIONABLE YOUNG MEN. 
 
 Nothing refineth the young like experience. 
 He the impetuous, green and undisciplined, 
 Won't be so eager to talk with that serious- 
 
6 The Little Tin Gods-on- Wheels. 
 
 Minded young damosel after he 's been with her 
 All of an evening, stuck on her terribly. 
 We the long-suffering, taught by experience. 
 Foxy as Lucifer, ne'er will be caught again, 
 Not if we know ourselves, you bet your hat on it 1 
 That is the species of hair-pins that we are ! 
 
 During the chorus CARNATION and MiSS TiGERLlLV have approached 
 the front of the stage. His face, having gradually grown graver ' 
 and graver, has now assumed an expression of mingled despair 
 and horror. 
 
 CARNATION {Jiaving made several attempts at conversation^ 
 tries again). 
 You say you do not care for parties much, 
 You probably have many outside interests ? 
 
 MISS TIGERLILY. 
 
 Yes. Was it raining when you left the street? 
 
 CARNATION. 
 
 I think it was, but, faith, I did not notice. 
 
 MISS TIGERLILY. 
 
 What dreadful weather we 've been having lately ! 
 
 CARNATION. 
 
 Does not the winter meet your approbation ? 
 
 MISS TIGERLILY. 
 
 I really hardly know. Sometimes I think 
 That snow is nicest, sometimes I like rain ; 
 
The Wallflowers. 7 
 
 Often a thaw delights me, and a freeze 
 Perhaps is better; pleasant, too, is hail. 
 
 Pauses as if frightenad at having made such a long speech. 
 
 CARNATION {to change the subject). 
 Shall we not try the entry for a change ? 
 
 MISS TIGERLILY. 
 
 No, thank you ; I '11 stay here. I don't like draughts ; 
 I think the wind is high to-night. I hope 
 It will go down before the peep of dawn. 
 
 CARNATION. 
 
 I hope so, truly. Will you have some supper? 
 
 MISS TIGERLILY (brightening up). 
 
 Yes, thank you ; I will take a glass of water, 
 Some beef, or if there is none, some croquets, 
 A napkin, and a plate of frozen pudding. 
 
 Carnation helps her to all these. She says nothing except that the 
 croquets are too hot and the ice too cold. Having removed the last 
 plate. Carnation does not return, but moves to the other end of the 
 room, apparently a blighted being. 
 
 CARNATION. 
 
 All, all is gone ! The milk of human kindness 
 Within me is dried up. Now am I fit 
 For murder, treason, stratagem, and spoils; 
 Now could I strangle babes, and smile to see 
 A cannibal tear beings limb from limb 
 And roast their joints before a red-hot fire. 
 
8 The Little Tin Gods-on-WJieels. 
 
 I have supped full with horrors, and shall ne'er 
 Behold it rain or snow without a shudder. 
 O Crocus, Crocus, I have wronged you deeply ! 
 Straight will I hie me to the foxy caravan 
 Of youths about the door, and pardon beg 
 From those whom lately I did so revile. 
 O, how much sharper than a serpent's tooth 
 It is to talk to barometric girls ! 
 
 Carnation walks across the room, and shakes Crocus's hand warmly. 
 Q-ROCVS places a wreath of laurel upon his head, and leads him to the 
 head of the chorus. Both choruses march about the stage with defiant 
 gestures. 
 
 CHORUS OF WALLFLOWERS. 
 
 See how the ingrate leaves the aesthetic one, 
 
 Her the unfortunate, good but not beautiful. 
 
 He the illiterate could not appreciate 
 
 Her the intelligent. Men are but simpering 
 
 Idiots anyway. Little she cares for him. 
 
 She would not wish to be worldly and beautiful, 
 
 Foolish and volatile ; no, not for anything. 
 
 CHORUS OF FASHIONABLE YOUNG MEN. 
 
 See how the prodigal comes to the fold again, 
 Taught by experience hard, but salubrious. 
 Sweet is adversity. He is now disciplined, 
 Crowned with the laurel, and foxy as Lucifer ; 
 He won't be snared again, not by a jug full ! 
 That is the kind of a hair-pin that he is ! 
 
 The guests shmo signs of going home. Miss Tioerlily and her mother, 
 with an injured air, leave the ballroom. Carnation and Crocus 
 go off arm in arm. The curtain descends while the choruses are 
 repeating their last strophes. 
 
The Little Tin-Gods-on- Wheels. 
 
 THE LITTLE TIN GODS-ON-WHEELS. 
 
 A Sequel to " The Wallflowers:' 
 A TRAGEDY AFTER THE MANNER OF THE GREEK. 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSON/E. 
 
 Miss Jacqueminot, a raving beauty. 
 
 Miss Bonselline, a teari»g btid. 
 
 Mr. Souvenir, a howling swell, one of the little Tin Gods-on- 
 
 Wheels. 
 Miss Smilax, a parasite. 
 
 Choruses of Tin Gods-on- Wheels, parasitical young ladies, tearing 
 buds, raving beauties, etc. 
 The scene is laid in Boston, the Modern Athens. The curtain rises 
 on a magnificent ballroom. Voting ladies and men of all sorts are 
 grouped about the room. The clock strikes half past ten. The door 
 opens, and Mr. Souvenir attd a number of other little Tin Gods- 
 on- Wheels Just from a dinner-party enter, with boutonnieres in their 
 buttonholes and pride in their hearts. 
 
 CHORUS OF LITTLE TIN GODS-ON-WHEELS. 
 
 Look at those dear little, sweet little, nice little 
 
 Girls in the corner, who are all dying to 
 
 Have us come up to them. Which of the darlings 
 
 Shall we make happy to-night with our presence ? 
 
 We the magnificent leaders of fashion, 
 
 Fresh from a dinner and tony as possible ; 
 
 We the young men who don't rise in the morning, 
 
 Wedded to style, and without occupation. 
 
10 The Little Tin Gods-on- Wheels. 
 
 CHORUS OF PARASITICAL YOUNG LADIES. 
 
 Happy the maid whom fate ordains 
 
 To spend the evening with a swell ; 
 What matter that he has no brains, 
 
 Provided that it looketh well ! 
 For what is sense compared to dog, 
 
 Or intellect to tone and style ? 
 Though he be heavy as a log, 
 
 If he 's the fashion we will smile. 
 
 Souvenir, after gazing around for some moments as if he (noned the 
 room, approaches Miss Smilax, and offers to shake hands with 
 her in the most patronizing way. 
 
 MISS SMILAX. 
 O Mr. Souvenir ! how nice it is 
 To see you here. I had begun to think 
 You were not coming. Were you at the dinner ? 
 
 SOUVENIR {gradually edging off). 
 
 Yes. Charmed, I 'm sure. Excuse me ; see you later. 
 
 By the most skilful manoeuvre he slips away before Mr. Carnation, 
 the less experienced youth who was talking to MiSS Smilax when 
 he came up, can anticipate him. Miss Smilax beams all over for 
 ten minutes after. Souvenir next approaches Miss BoNSELLlNE. 
 
 CHORUS OF TEARING BUDS. 
 
 Look at that mass of conceited presumption 
 Going the rounds in his usual manner. 
 Is n't he horrid ? But, sisters, speak softly, 
 It would not do for the world to offend him. 
 He is a man who can make us or mar us ; 
 
The Little Tin Godson-Wheels. II 
 
 Make us the " thing," or condemn us forever. 
 So we must smile and seem awfully flattered, 
 For it is swell to be seen with the creature. 
 Rough him as much as you like, for he never 
 By the least possible chance would perceive it ; 
 For he considers he does us a favor 
 If he but tread on the train of our dresses. 
 
 Souvenir offers his hand to Miss Bonselline very much as if hi 
 were Chief Justice of the United States, and she a child of eight. She 
 aj>f>ears grateful, however. 
 
 SOUVENIR. 
 
 I hope. Miss Bonselline, you are enjoying 
 
 Yourself this evening. Does the gay world treat you 
 
 Kindly, and send you lots of pleasant partners ? 
 
 MISS BONSELLINE. 
 
 O Mr. Souvenir ! to have you speak to me 
 Is bliss enough, you know. 
 
 SOUVENIR. 
 
 O, thank you, thank you ! 
 Don't mention it. Excuse me ; see you later. 
 
 He takes advantage of Mr. Crocus, who has come up to Miss Bonsel- 
 line with a plate of ice-cream, to glide away, although it reqtiires the 
 quickness of a cat, for Crocus has powers that may not be sneezea 
 at. Joined to thefoxiness of a Nestor. Souvenir next goes up to MiSS 
 Jacqueminot, an experienced raving beauty. 
 
 CHORUS OF RAVING BEAUTIES. 
 
 See how the parasites giggle and flatter, 
 
 See how the debutantes smile and look happy, 
 
12 The Little Tin Gods-on- Wheels. 
 
 If he but speak to them, he the time-serving, 
 Saucy, conceited, and arrogant monster. 
 Older are we than those volatile damosels ; 
 We have position, and beaux without number. 
 But yet (alas for the weakness of woman !) 
 We still must worship for politic reasons. 
 He has no brains, to be sure, but his money 
 Gives him the means to indulge in exotics. 
 Is there a girl who is proof against roses ? 
 He is a bore of the very first water, 
 But he gives dinners to those whom he fancies ; 
 And a club dinner is not to be sneezed at: 
 Is n't it horrid ? But how can we help it ? 
 
 Souvenir shakes hands -with Miss Jacqueminot as if he thought thai 
 he was doing a charitable act. She also appears to feel honored. 
 
 SOUVENIR. 
 
 Really, Miss Jacqueminot, I 've not been able 
 To speak to you before ; you 're so surrounded. 
 
 MISS JACQUEMINOT. 
 
 To have you speak to me at any time 
 Suffices me ; for beggars can't be choosers. 
 
 SOUVENIR. 
 
 Ah ! very kind of you to say so, really; — 
 There are so many girls it 's quite impossible 
 To speak to all. And what with dining out 
 So much as I do, one gets very weary 
 Of parties. 
 
The Little Tin Gods-oti- Wheels. 13 
 
 MISS JACQUEMINOT. 
 
 Yes ; of course a man like you 
 Must find society grow stale at times ; 
 Most men of intellect do find it slow. 
 
 SOUVENIR. 
 
 Yes ; I must own we do. But I confess 
 That I am fond of girls ; I really am. 
 
 MISS JACQUEMINOT. 
 
 O, thank you, thank you ! We are very grateful. 
 At this moment Mr. Carnation comes up with a plate of salad, 
 
 SOUVENIR. 
 
 Ah 1 thank you. Pray excuse me ; see you later. 
 
 Souvenir moves to the other end of the room with a satisfied air. Ht 
 fills a glass with champagtie and soliloquizes. CARNATION comes up 
 and listens to him with mouth-open admiration. 
 
 Poor little dears, how much they owe us men ! 
 
 That girl was almost frantic with delight ; 
 
 And those young things with whom I talked at first 
 
 Looked proud as peacocks when they had me round. 
 
 It wearies one, I know ; but yet it were 
 
 A selfish thing to disappoint the dears 
 
 By staying e'en a single night at home. 
 
 I must be a most fascinating man : 
 
 *T is not my fault j the ladies must blame Heaven. 
 
 \Exit. 
 
 Miss Jacqueminot cwt/Miss Bonselline, who have been talking to- 
 gether, approach the front of the stage. 
 
14 The Little Tin Gods-on- Wheels. 
 
 MISS BONSELLINE. 
 
 He did ? The horrid, mean, conceited thing ! 
 I never want to speak to him again. 
 
 MISS JACQUEMINOT. 
 
 Patience, my dear ! To-night we have to smile, 
 But on the morrow at the sewing-circle 
 We '11 put a head on this small God-on-Wheels ; 
 We '11 pick him into little bits of pieces, 
 And tear his wretched character to rags. 
 My blood is up at last, and I am fit 
 For gossip, slander, libel, and revenge. 
 After this evening's torture I could lie, 
 Forge, rehypothecate, or play the trick 
 The adder palmed off on the countryman 
 Without a pang. O, let us, dearest friend. 
 From this day forth take pains to make it plain 
 To man, that woman's never-dying dread 
 Is talking to a little God-on-Wheels. 
 
 They clasp each other's hands, and move to the head ef the unttti 
 choruses of tearing btids and raving beauties. Miss Smilax marches 
 at the' head of the chorus of parasitical girls. The various choruse, 
 begin to move with warlike gestures. 
 
 CHORUS OF PARASITICAL GIRLS. 
 
 Happy the maid whom fate ordains 
 To pass the evening with a swell 1 
 
 What matter that he has no brains. 
 Provided that it looketh well ! 
 
 For what is sense compared to dog. 
 Or intellect to tone and style ? 
 
The Little Tin Gods-on- Wheels. 15 
 
 Though he be heavy as a log, 
 If he 's the fashion, we all smile. 
 
 CHORUS OF LITTLE TIN GODSON-WHEELS. 
 
 Dear little, sweet little, nice little damosels, 
 We the magnificent cream of society 
 Bid you good-night, and we trust you feel gratitude 
 For the sweet smiles we have scattered among you. 
 We have been bored, but we gladly put up with it : 
 Nothing is sweeter than disinterestedness. 
 
 CHORUS OF TEARING BUDS AND RAVING BEAUTIES. 
 
 See those detestable, time-serving hypocrites, 
 Probably boasting that we are in love with them. 
 Pitiful creatures, they think that they flatter us 
 By their grimaces that look like orang-outang's. 
 When we assemble to sew for the indigent, 
 Trust us to tinker the little tin monsters. 
 
 The curtain descends while the choruses are still singing. 
 
1 6 Tlie Little Tin Gods-on- Wheels. 
 
 THE CHAPERONS. 
 
 A Supplement to " The Wallflowers " and " The Little Tin Gods-ott' 
 
 Wheels." 
 
 A TRAGEDY AFTER THE MANNER OF THE GREEK. 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS. 
 
 Mr. Jacqueminot, the father of a raving beauty, 
 
 Mrs. Bonselline, the mother of a tearing bud. 
 
 Mrs. Tigerlily, the mother of a wallflower. 
 
 Mrs. Souvenir, the mother of a little Tin God-on- Wheels. 
 
 Mr. Crocus, a worldling of some years' standing. \ ., 
 
 Mr. Souvenir (fits), a howling swell and Tin God. 
 
 Mr. Carnation, a kind-hearted but inexperienced j -^ 
 
 you7ig man. j German. 
 
 Chortcses of mothers, fathers, etc. Various other characters. 
 The scene is laid in Boston, the Modern Athens. The curtain rises on 
 a public ballroom. A German is about to begin. On seats, around 
 the hall, are ranged a host of Chaperons, mostly mothers and aunts. 
 There are a few fathers scattered among them. At the door of the 
 dressing-room appear Mr. Jacqueminot and daughter, Mesdames 
 Bonselline, Tigerlily, Souvenir, with a bevy of their own 
 daughters, and daughters of other people intrusted to them. The 
 ushers rush forward. Souvenir secures Miss Jacqueminot. Mr. 
 Jacqueminot (plre) escorts Mrs. Bonselline to a seat. Crocus 
 leads off Miss Bonselline. Carnation is left to take charge of 
 Mrs. Tigerlily, her daughter, and two Miss Daffodils, /r<ww tht 
 country, who are staying with Mrs. Tigerlily. 
 
 CHORUS OF CHAPERONS {mothers). 
 We, the mammas of those lovely young damosels, 
 Once ourselves raving and tearing and beautiful, 
 
The Chaperons. 17 
 
 We the long-suffering, pitiful chaperons, 
 Curious, critical, slightly censorious, 
 Sit here in slumberous, somnolent solitude, 
 Making remarks, duly tempered with charity, 
 On the young persons composing society. 
 See that unfortunate Eleanor Daffodil, 
 Fresh from the country, and green as asparagus. 
 Look at the cut and the set of the dress on her, 
 Does n't she have the effect of a rag-bag ? 
 Taste never ran in the Daffodil family. 
 
 MRS. SOUVENIR {conversing with Mr. Jacqueminot). 
 O Mr. Jacqueminot, your lovely daughter 
 Looks like a queen to-night ; that perfect dress, 
 Which came from Worth, — I know it by the cut, — 
 Is truly exquisite. My Alice Blanche 
 Comes out next winter, and I really think 
 That I shall send to him for all her clothes. 
 
 MR. JACQUEMINOT. 
 
 Your daughter, Mrs. Souvenir, would captivate 
 
 In any dress. Her laughing, liquid eyes 
 
 Will shatter hearts like reeds. I hear your son 
 
 Is so attractive ; only watch him now. 
 
 With what a finished air of well-bred ease 
 
 He 's fanning Lulu Bonselline. O, charming, charming ! 
 
 MRS. TiGERLiLY {to Mrs. Bonselline, Seated on the other side 
 of the room). 
 Tell me, my dear, who made that lovely tulle 
 Of Lulu's ? It must surely be Pingard's. 
 
1 8 The Little Tin Gods-on-Wheels, 
 
 MRS. BONSELLINE. 
 
 No, it was made by Felix, and it fits 
 Extremely well, and yet upon the whole 
 I think that Froment gives more satisfaction, 
 He trims so sweetly. It is such a comfort 
 To get one's things in Paris ; such a contrast 
 In prices to the wretches on this side, 
 Although I must confess that Santin made 
 A bonnet for my Lulu, that compares 
 With Virot's very well. 
 
 MRS. TIGERLILY. 
 
 My Georgiana 
 Finds Parcher pretty good. O dear, O dear ! 
 I said it would be so ! Look how her skirt 
 Is hanging ! Tell me, dear, what shall I do ? 
 
 Makes frantic signs to her daughter, who finally approaches on the 
 arm <y^ Carnation. Mrs. T. whispers to her, aftd she goes off to 
 the dressing-room, while CARNATION waits for her at the door, 
 
 CHORUS OF CHAPERONS (mothers). 
 
 Don't you believe that it 's pretty near supper-time ? 
 
 We are beginning to get up an appetite. 
 
 Silently sitting in slumberous solitude. 
 
 Look how that volatile little Miss BonselHne 's 
 
 Torn all to tatters her train irreproachable, 
 
 Dancing that horrible, barbarous redowa. 
 
 Watch that unfortunate youngest Miss Daffodil 
 
 Try to keep time with the elegant Souvenir 1 
 
 O, what a bungle and mess she has made of it ! 
 
The Chaperons. 19 
 
 Carnation brings some salad and champagne to Mrs. Tigerlily 
 and Mrs. Bonselline. Souvenir comes up in a very maptificent 
 manner after they are helped, and asks if he can get them any- 
 thing. 
 
 MRS. TIGERLILY. 
 
 O, thank you, no, we have got all we want : 
 Your party is a wonderful success. 
 
 Souvenir bows his thanks, waves his opera hat superbly, and glides 
 
 away. 
 
 He certainly has most delightful manners. 
 
 That young Carnation is a real good boy, 
 
 But rather gauche, you know. O, there 's my Georgy 
 
 Talking to Hurly Crocus ! Don't they make 
 
 A charming couple ? 
 
 MRS. BONSELLINE. 
 
 Very much so, dear. 
 But, O, do tell me who is that strange man 
 That 's talking now to Peepy Jacqueminot ? 
 
 MRS. TIGERLILY. 
 
 Why, he 's a titled Englishman, named Nightshade, 
 Spending a fortnight with young Scarlet Runner. 
 Lord Deadly Nightshade 's what I think they call him. 
 They say he 's awful rich and full of talent. 
 
 MRS. BONSELLINE. 
 
 How nice ! now really, you don't tell me so ? 
 Why, just look there, he *s being introduced 
 To Lulu, — O, I hope she '11 have the sense 
 To ask him to our party. Is it not 
 
»0 The Little Tin Gods-on- Wheels. 
 
 A most distinguished name, — Lord Deadly Nightshade ? 
 It 's dangerous to have a handsome daughter. 
 
 MRS. TIGERLILY. 
 
 I feel with you, my dear, I 've just found out 
 
 That Georgy is a beauty. Only think, 
 
 Cecilia Mignonette told Martha Cowslip 
 
 That Mr. Jacqueminot told her that Georgy 
 
 Had finer eyes than any girl in Boston. 
 
 He is a first-rate judge, and lots of others 
 
 Have told me the same thing. I 've always thought 
 
 Her quite nice-looking, but, dear, nothing further. 
 
 I see a mother's judgment can't be trusted. 
 
 You ought to see her in her new spring kilt, 
 
 Cut very short j she really does look sweetly. 
 
 MRS. SOUVENIR {tO Mr. JaCQUEMINOt). 
 
 Just do look now at Georgy Tigerlily 
 Sitting alone, — she's never taken out. 
 One would suppose her mother would get tired 
 Of seeing her neglected. But she goes 
 Night after night, and says that she enjoys it. 
 Poor child ! it is not her fault that she 's plain. 
 
 MR. JACQUEMINOT. 
 
 SVie has not certainly a ray of beauty, 
 No style, and Peepy says no conversation. 
 
 MRS. SOUVENIR. 
 
 O, what a contrast she is to your Peepy ! 
 
 Mr. Jacqueminot whispers something in reply that is inaudible 
 Mrs. Souvenir looks immensely flattered. 
 
The Chaperons. 21 
 
 CHORUS OF CHAPERONS (^fathers). 
 Look here now, we are decidedly sick of this ; 
 It 's the last time that we mean to put up with it, 
 Sitting up this way till two in the morning ! 
 One must be made like the Archangel Gabriel, 
 Blessed with Job's patience, and more than humanity 
 Not to get mad at this wildly preposterous, 
 Perfectly scandalous state of society. 
 
 When we were young would our parents have winked at it? 
 Not they, the sturdy and strait-laced old Puritans ! 
 We will not either, and this is the last of it, — 
 This is the last of it, you bet your hat on it ! 
 
 CHORUS OF CHAPERONS {mothers). 
 Come, dears, it 's time to be putting an end to it, 
 We are all getting as sleepy as pussy-cats. 
 Lulu must be up all fresh for her practising 
 Early to-morrow, and Peepy has harmony. 
 O, it is hard on us pitiful chaperons, 
 Sitting alone in our slumberous solitude. 
 O, we are somnolent ! Where are the carriages ? 
 Wrap yourselves well, dears, the night is a chilly one. 
 Once ice were charming and lovely young damosels, 
 Once 7C'e were raving and tearing and beautiful. 
 
 The party breaks up. Mrss TlGERLILY and MiSS BONSELLINE 
 shake and wake their respective mothers. Mr. Jacqueminot, in a 
 jaded manner, sees Mrs. SOUVENIR to thi dressing-room door. The 
 ushers rush ajter ha* is. The curtain descends while the choruses are 
 still singing. 
 
OXYGEN I 
 
 A MT. DESERT PASTORAL. 
 

OXYGEN ! 
 
 A MT. DESERT PASTORAL. 
 
 A trifle offered by Lampy without comment, as an example of the effect 
 that a braci7tg atmosphere can produce upon conservative natures. 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS. 
 
 Miss Alice Bunting, of Philadelphia, cetatis 21 yrs. 6 mos. 
 Mr. Arthur Flannelshirt, A. B., LL. B., of Boston, cetatis ityrs. 
 3 mos. 
 
 Scene I. — ML Desert. Corridor of Rodick Hc^use. 
 Hour, 10.2,0 P. M. 
 
 Ent^r Miss Bunting and Mr. Flannelshirt arm in arm. Hep 
 dress is a blue and white boating-suit, cut short. A hat with a huge- 
 bri?n and draped with a large red handkerchief is perched on the back- 
 of her head. He is attired in a gray shirt of flannel, a pair of patched- 
 pantaloons, a skullcap, and canvas shoes. He is smoking a pipe. She 
 pauses at room twenty, and taking a key from her pocket gives it to- 
 him. He unlocks the door. She goes in and returns with a small 
 pitcher, 
 
 ALICE. 
 
 And now, good night. But ere you go, do get me, 
 As usual, some hot water from the kitchen. 
 
 ' ARTHUR. 
 
 Give me the jug, and in half a jiffy 
 
 I will be back. {Runs down the corridor^ 
 
26 Oxygen. 
 
 ALICE (shrieking after him). 
 Be sure that it is boiling ! 
 
 She goes into her room and shuts the door. Interval of five minutes. 
 Re-enter Arthur, with the pitcher of hot water and a plate of hard 
 crackers. He knocks, and she puts her head out, 
 
 ALICE. 
 What made you take so long? But O, how lovely, 
 To bring me some hard crackers too ! Just toss me 
 One from the plate and see if I can catch it. 
 
 He does so, and she, emerging from the room, tries to catch it in her 
 mouth. The cracker falls on the ground. They both stoop to pick up 
 the pieces, and bump their heads. 
 
 ALICE. 
 
 Vou horrid thing ! You stupid, awkward creature 1 
 She play fully flings the bits of cracker at him. 
 
 ARTHUR. 
 
 'Come now, it 's much too early to retire. 
 
 Let 's go and eat our crackers on the staircase ; 
 
 It would be sort of weird. Say, don't you think so ? 
 
 ALICE. 
 
 Why, yes. I think it would be quite romantic ! 
 
 You really can't imagine what a comfort 
 
 It is to have no matron to annoy one. 
 
 To dog one's steps and harp on what is proper 1 
 
 A girl that 's civilized don't need a matron. 
 
A Ml. Desert Pastoral. 27 
 
 Thank Heaven, father let me come without one. 
 He kicked at first, but by judicious treatment 
 I brought him round. I 'm ready now, if you are. 
 
 They proceed to the staircase and sit down on the top stair, with the 
 water-pitcher between them. 
 
 ALICE {munching crackers). 
 
 O, ain't this jolly, it is so informal ! 
 Why, only think, we two set out together 
 At nine this morning to explore and ramble. 
 We 've spent the day together on the mountain, 
 And never parted once. The heat of noontide 
 Found us companions still, and evening's shadow 
 Saw you and me without a person near us. 
 Where else, but here, could we do this without 
 Exciting comment ? 
 
 ARTHUR. 
 
 Nowhere, sad to mention^ 
 In Boston, where I live, if I should happen 
 To walk twice with some fascinating creature 
 I should dead certain be reported smitten. 
 Engaged, and when that turned out false, rejected: 
 But here, to pass the day with whom you want to, — 
 Pass two days, three days, four days, even five days,. 
 In the society of girls one fancies. 
 Is not regarded as the least peculiar. 
 What do you say, now, to a row by moonlight ? 
 
28 Oxygen. 
 
 ALICE. 
 
 The very thing ! O, what a boon is freedom ! 
 
 They rise from the stairs. She goes to her room and gets a sJiawl, which 
 he tenderly puts over her shoulders. Arm in arm they go down, 
 leaving the pitcher in the middle of the staircase. 
 
 Scene II. — Bar Harbor. Mt. Desert. 
 
 A row-boat is floating on the tranquil water. A nearly full moon is 
 high in the heavens. She is stretched out in the stern. He slowly 
 paddles with the oars. Several other boats can be seen in the distance, 
 Aut not near enotigh to distinguish the parties. 
 
 ALICE. 
 
 This is a first-rate place to get acquainted ; 
 Day before yesterday I 'd never seen you, 
 And now I feel as if I 'd known you ages. 
 
 ARTHUR. 
 
 In my prim city, I might live next door to 
 A girl for ten years, and not know her nearly 
 As well as I know you. This comes of freedom ! 
 Look at those boats on this side and on that side, 
 Each freighted with two other kindred spirits, 
 More intimate, perhaps, than even we are. 
 They probably have rambled weeks together, 
 And rowed upon the water every evening. 
 This beats the New Republic all to hollow; 
 Paul and Virginia were nothing to it. 
 
A ML Desert Pastoral. 29 
 
 ALICE. 
 
 If I were at Nahant, Cohasset, Newport, 
 
 Or any other of those horrid places, 
 
 I should be forced in cold blood to abandon 
 
 This blessed moon, and go to bed when pa did. 
 
 But, fortunately, Mrs. Easy-Going, 
 
 Who promised pa to keep an eye upon me, 
 
 Don't care a button what I do, provided 
 
 I do not interfere with her Amelia, 
 
 Who spends her time with little Peter Minestock. 
 
 I hope she '11 get him, but I pity Peter ! 
 
 Ry way of variety, she gives him a playful spatter with the oar. He 
 laughs, and spatters her hack. He proposes to anchor, and she ac- 
 quiesces. She stretches herself out in the stern, he in the bow, with a 
 pipe. 
 
 ALICE. 
 
 Now, ain't this lovely, to be so devoted ! 
 It 's twenty times as good as an engagement. 
 Because we know that, if we ever happen 
 To weary of each other, we have only 
 To part, and cotton to another person, — 
 You to some girl, and I to some new fellow. 
 
 ARTHUR. 
 
 I could spend years with you and never weary 1 
 
 ALICE. 
 
 Don't be too sure. You 're merely a spring chicken, 
 And I have practised at this thing four summers. 
 
1 
 
 30 Oxygen. 
 
 You will get sick of me before a fortnight 
 Is ended. 
 
 ARTHUR. 
 
 Never, O, believe me, never ; 
 I ne'er have seen a girl that I admired, 
 Adored, respected, loved, and venerated 
 So much as I do you, 
 
 ALICE. 
 
 What perfect nonsense ' 
 What would your ma say ? O, young man, be careful \ 
 All Philadelphians are not like me, sir ! 
 Nine out of ten would snap you up directly 
 For words like those, and marry you before you 
 Could count Jack Robinson ! 
 
 ARTHUR. 
 
 O lovely being ! 
 I 'm thine forever, if you only say so. 
 For all I care, my ma may go to glory. 
 
 ALICE. 
 
 How sweet to be thus loved ! No more at present, 
 I will reflect on what you say. It 's time now 
 To go to bed. What hour says your repeater ? 
 
 ARTHUR. 
 
 T is half past twelve. 
 
A Mt. Desert Pastoral. 31 
 
 ALICE. 
 
 'Tis sad to part, but needful. 
 
 They slowly get to rights and haul up the anchor. She takes the oars 
 and rows towards the shore; he puffs his pipe pensively. 
 
 Scene III. — The Corridor of the Rodick House. 
 Hour, 1.15 A. M. 
 
 77tey re-enter arm in arm. Somebody has stepped on and upset the 
 pitcher during their absence. After a few minutes' conversation he 
 goes and gets some more boiling water. 
 
 ALICE (going into her room). 
 And now, once more, good night. 
 
 ARTHUR. 
 
 To-morrow morning 
 I '11 come at nine. 
 
 ALICE {sticking her head oui). 
 
 All right, I shall be ready, 
 And we will spend the day again together, 
 As usual to our mutual satisfaction. 
 We '11 climb, read poetry, drive, row, loaf, and ramble 
 From morn to dewy eve, and I will teach you 
 The latest dodge in scientific flirting ; 
 Giving you points, and Heaven knows you need them I 
 You 'II be an adept by this time next summer, 
 If you don't let such stuff as that you uttered 
 To night destroy the fruits of my good teaching. 
 
32 Oxygen. 
 
 But when, in future days, you are distinguished 
 For being able with your little finger 
 To set the heart of any girl a beating, 
 And not to care a rush, say that I taught you. 
 Say, " Alice Bunting, a sweet Philadelphian, 
 A maiden unaffected and spontaneous, 
 Who always did exactly what she wanted, 
 And went from principle without a matron, 
 Found me a callow youth, a perfect chicken. 
 And made me what I am. — Be hers the glory." 
 Good night, good night 1 Remember, nine to-morrow. 
 Kisses her hand to him, and closes the door. 
 
 ARTHUR. 
 
 Good night, good night ! O, why ain't more girls like her I 
 Walks slowly and pensively down the corridor 
 
LIST OF BOOKS 
 
 PUBLISHED AND FOR SALE V.Y 
 
 Ohaeles W. Sever, University Bookstore, 
 
 CAMBRIDGE, MASS. 
 
 FRENCH TEXT-BOOKS. 
 
 Chardenal's French Series. 
 
 FRENCH PRIMER, FOR JUNIOR CLASSES. 5^ cents. 
 
 FIRST FRENCH COURSE, or Rules and Exercises for Beginners. By 
 C. A. Charde.val. i6mo. 220 pages. 75 cents. 
 
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 pages. 90 cents. 
 
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 of French Syntax, Exercises on Rules and Idioms, and a Dictionary of nearly Four 
 Thousand Idiomatical Verbs, Sentences, Plirases, and Proverbs. )6mo. 332 pages. 
 gi.25. 
 
 These books have been carefully graded to meet the wants alike of the beginner and of the 
 advanced pupil. Taken together, they furnish a complete course of French grammar, with exercises 
 for translation into French and English. The first two volumes contain, in addition, a French Reader, 
 with complete vocabularies; and the last book contains also a long list of French idioms, arranged in 
 sections, with exercises for translation and retranslation on each section. 
 
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 CHAMPLIN'S ^SCHINES ON THE CROWN. 
 
 THE ORATION OF .ESCHINES ON THE CROWN against Ctesiphon. with Notes by 
 J. T. Champli.n, President of Colby University, Waterville, Maine. i2mo. Cloth. J1.25. 
 
 (0 
 
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 ORATION OF DEMOSTHENES ON THE CROWN, with Notes by J T. Champdn, 
 
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 SELECT POPULAR ORATIONS OF DEMOSTHENES, with Notes by J. T. Champiin, 
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 FELTON'S AGAMEMNON. 
 
 THE AGAMEMNON OF /ESCHYLUS, with Notes and Metrical Table, by C. C. Fflton, 
 LL.D , Professor of Harvard College. i2mo. Cloth. I^i 25. 
 
 PEIRCE'S ALGEBRA. 
 
 ELEMENTARY TREATISE ON ALGEBRA. To which are added exponential Equation 
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 PEIRCE'S GEOMETRY. 
 
 ELEMENTARY TREATISE ON PLANE AND SOLID GEOMETRY, by Benjamin 
 Peirce, A.M., Perkins Professor of Mathematics and Astronomy in Harvard College. Plates. 
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 LANE'S LATIN PRONUNCIATION. 
 
 LATIN PRONUNCIATION, bv GEnROF. M. Lane, Professor in Harvard University. Giving 
 the Pronunciation used in Harvard College, and recommended for such persons as are preparing 
 for Harvard. Paper. 17 cents. 
 
 HILL'S PUNCTUATION. 
 
 GENERAL RULES FOR PUNCTUATION, and for the Use of Capital Letters, with Illus- 
 trative Extracts, by Prof. A S. HiLi,, of Harvard College. Ninth thousand. 25 cents. 
 " We can recommend it highly to those who feel in want of such guidance." — Nation, vol. xix. 
 P- 398. 
 
 "This little work, laying down general rules for the guidance of writers, is both instructive and 
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 Law Books tcsed as Text-books in Ha7~vard Law School, and for sale at the University 
 
 Bookstore. 
 
 LANGDELL'S CONTRACTS Jio.oo 
 
 „ SALES S-50 
 
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 (2) 
 
Charles W. Severs List of Books. 
 
 KEITH'S PHYSICS. 
 
 QUESTIONS AXp NOTES IN PHYSICS, covering Parts I. and II. of Amott's Elements. 
 Adapted for Recitation i.i Course and for Examination, and intended as an aid in preparing for 
 the Harvard Examinations for admission iu Minimum Physics. By Merton S. Keith. 
 Paper. s° cents. 
 
 TUFTS'S GEOGRAPHY. 
 
 QUESTIONS ON MODERN AND PHYSICAL GEOGRAPHY. 
 
 TUFTS'S GREECE. 
 
 QUESTIONS ON THE HISTORY AND GEOGRAPHY OF GREECE. 
 
 TUFTS'S ROME. 
 
 QUESTIONS ON THE HISTORY AND GEOGRAPHY OF ROME. Especially suited 
 for Schools and Academies, and Students preparing for Harvard College. By J. F. Tufts, A.B. 
 Paper. 25 cents each. 
 
 HEDGE'S GERMAN PREPOSITIONS. 
 
 GERMAN PREPOSITIONS. By Frederic H. Hedge, Harvard University. Paper. 25 cents. 
 
 SHALER'S QUESTION GUIDE TO THE ENVIRONS OF BOSTON. 
 
 QUESTION GUIDE TO THE ENVIRONS OF BOSTON. Designed for the use of Begin- 
 ners in Geology in the Classes of Harvard University. Part I. Somerville and Cambridge. 
 By Prof. N. S. Shaler, Harvard University. Paper. 25 cents. 
 
 FOURTH ORATION OF ISOCRATES — PANEGYRIC. 
 
 THE FOURTH ORATION OF ISOCRATES, called the Panegyric, as being addressed to 
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 jointly a war against the Persians. Translation. Paper. 50 cents. 
 
 ''An Artlsftc Gem." 
 
 KING'S HARVARD AND ITS SURROUNDINGS. 
 
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 BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCHES OF GRADUATES OF THE ACADEMIC DEPART- 
 MENT OF HARVARD UNIVERSITY, in Cambridge, Massachusetts. By John Lang- 
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 The object ofthe volume is to present, with great minuteness of detail, the results of' more than a 
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 (3) 
 
Charles W. Severs List of Books. 
 
 LITTLE TIN GODS-ON-WHEELS; 
 
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 Mt. Desert Pastoral, from the Harvard Latnpoon. Paper. 50 cents. 
 
 Divided into Three Parts: The Wall Flowers; The Little Tin Gods-on-\Vheels ; The Chaperons. 
 A broad burlesque of Boston society scenes. 
 
 HARVARD MEMORIAL BIOGRAPHIES. Edited by T. W. Higginson. 
 
 Two volumes. Svo. ^4.00. 
 
 MEMOIR OF JARED SPARKS, LL.D. By George E. Ellis. With 
 
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 SCIENTIFIC BOOKS. 
 
 ICONES MUSCORUM ; or. Figures and Descriptions of most of those Mosses 
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 ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE OF THE MUSEUM OF COMPAR- 
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 THE ANNALS OF THE OBSERVATORY OF HARVARD COL- 
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 THE PROCEEDINGS OF THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION FOR 
 
 THE ADVANCEMENT OF SCIENCE. 
 
 THE MATHEMATICAL MONTHLY. 1S59 to 1S62. 3 vols. 4to. $6 00. 
 REPORTS OF THE PEABODY MUSEUM. 
 
 (4) 
 
 .HBAp"2^