635 = = Z9 C895 ENEDY'S NEW SERIES OF PLAYS. Copy 1 «8 DUEL AT DAWN. 70 5" A ONE ACT TRAGEDY. A MILLIONAIRE'S TRIALS. A COMEDY-DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS. BY ELEANOR R. COX. TOGETHER WITH A DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES— CAST OF THE CHARACTERS — EN TRANCES AND EXITS — RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PERFORM- ERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. New York : P. J. KENEDY, EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 5 Barclay Street 1894. A DUEL AT DAWN. A ONE ACT TRAGEDY. AND A MILLIONAIRE'S TRIALS. A COMEDY-DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS. BY ELEANOR R. COX. TOGETHER WITH A DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES— CAST OF THE CHARACTERS— EN- TRANCES AND EXITS— RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PERFORM- ERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. New York : P. J. KENEDY, EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 5 Barclay Street. 1894. fc^ £ Wards of Mr. Jones. Miss Edith Forrester \ Mrs. Ranger — President of Murray Hill Woman Suffrage League, Sect'y of Women's Cold Croton Temperance Assoc, and Member of Sorosis. Miss Maude Ranger— Her neice. Mrs. Merryweather — A female philanthropist interested in the preservation of Cats. A Salvation Army Girl. Members of Woman Suffrage Convention. ACT I. Scene i. — A Bachelor's apartment. Mr. Jones seated at table, holding lawyer's letter in hand and still very much dazed at its unexpected announcement of his good fortune. Time — Morning. Mr. Jones. Yes ! here's a copy of the will, here's the law- yer's letter, yet hang me ! if I can believe a word of it yet. That an old uncle of mine, of whose existence I scarcely knew, should die, leaving me, James Ferdinand Jones, heir to five million dollars — just think of it, aclear, cool five million! Seems too good for belief. But there's one thing about it I don't half like and that's this business of the guardianship. What in the name of all that's wonderful, could induce the IO A MILLIONAIRE S TRIALS. old boy to appoint me guardian to those three girls? Let's see their names again. — Georgiana, Edith, Mildred. Well, I guess Georgiana's about twenty-five ; up to that time all the Georgianas are Georgies. Edith's around twenty-two, and Mildred's anywhere from sweet sixteen to twenty. Well, [jumping up and surveying himself in looking-glass.] I don't think I look very particularly like the matron of an orphan asylum. I wonder what the fellows will say. Already I hear myself referred to, as the guardian of youth and innocence in the smoking-room of every. club in New York. But never mind ! I'm a millionaire, sure enough, and nothing can alter that fact. Now the next thing is to tell Charles. Charles ! [Calls. Chawles. You called me Sir ? Mr. J. Charles, you haven't heard the glorious good fortune that has come to me. No, nor you wouldn't guess it, if you were trying for a thousand years. I'm a millionaire, Charles ! Here's the will that has made me the owner of fivi millions. No more shifts, no more saving. I'm the happiest man in New York ! Chaw. H'im hextremely gratified, Sir. Mr. J. Hang it man, you might show a little emotion. "Ex- tremely gratified" seems a mild way for a faithful fellow like you, to express his satisfaction. Chaw. H'emotion, Sir ! H'im above h'emotion. In the late Dook of Doverfield's establishment in which h'is had the 'onor to be brought h'up and cddicated, it was an inwariable rule — Never show H'emotion. "Chawles, my boy," the late Dook has frequent, said to me, "Chawles, my boy, you may murder the Queen's English, break every one of the Ten Com- mandments, kick a hole through the British Constitution, but never — no, never under any circumstance, must you show h'emotion." Why, Sir. did you know that it was h'emotion caused the late Dook's separation from his lovely young Duchess? The Duchess was an American, Sir, and very h'im- pulsive. Wot do you think she did, Sir ? Why, one day after she had been away three months on the Continent for her 'ealth, she came 'ome to find the late Dook, waiting for her at the railway-station. And you wouldn't believe it, Sir, but she run straight h'up to him and kissed him. Sir — kissed him on the mouth — after that of course there could be nothing but a separation. Mr. J. Confound the Duke and his Duchess and your long- winded eloquence. Tell me, what you'd do, Charles, if you were in my position. Chaw. What would I do, Sir ? Why, first and foremost Sir, I would go home to h'old H'england. Mr. J. And why England, Charles, more than Paris or Ben- gal or Salt Lake City or Brooklyn. / thought New York suited us both down to the ground. Chaw. Ah, Sir, you have never been in London ! Why, A MILLIONAIRES TRIALS. when I was 'orae in merry H'england, they called me 'and- some Chawles with the auburn hair. But in this 'ere bloom- ing country, its "Get out, you red-headed Britisher," every second word. H'im above flattery, Sir. but I do say that in H'england, you'd be a himmense success — Himmense ! Enter Mrs. Merry weather. Mr. J. [aside]. Great Scott .' what's this ! Mrs. Merryweather. 1 think I stand in the presence of Mr. Jones, the well-known philanthropist. Mr. J. [aside]. I never had five dollars to spare in my life. Mrs. Merry. Mr. Jones I have been more than delighted to read in the morning papers of your good fortune. I'm Mrs. Martha Merryweather, of whom, as President of the So- ciety for the Preservation of Insane and Idiotic Cats, you have no doubt, often heard. Mr. J. Madam, I'm delighted to meet a friend of the friend- less cat. I once knew a cat named William, — but that's an- other story. 'Pon my honor, Madam, I'll be greatly delighted to lend my aid in any way, to the preservation of the friendless feline. Mrs. Merry. Ah, Sir, if all the millionaires were only like you. Then you'll give your cheque towards the erection of the Home on the banks of the Hudson, in which our Society is so much interested. It's going to be a simple granite struct- ure with dormitories respectively for the Aged, the Insane, the Idiotic and Paralyzed pussy-cats. Mr. J. [signs check]. Delighted to help you, Madam. More than delighted. No thanks, Mrs. Merryweather, Charles, see this lady to the door. [Exit Mrs. M. and Charles— Bell rings. Mr. J. Well, I'm in for it sure enough. It seems every blessed soul in New York knew my good fortune before I knew it myself. But what in thunder have we here ? Enter shabby man with dog, followed by Charles. Mr. J. Charles, what has got into your head this morning ? Do you think, because I'm a millionaire, I'm going to hold a reception of all the queer characters in the city ? Chaw. I know it's h'emtremely annoying Sir, but its h'iin- possible to hold 'em back, — quite h'impossible, I do assure you, Sir, Mr. J. Well never mind. [Toman.] Well, my good fellow, what do you want ? Man. Want nawthin. Will you buy a dorg? Mr. J. Will I buy a dorg? Of course I will. Dozens of 'em! And I'll buy a yacht and a racing-stable, and a seat in the Senate and an Ambassadorship. Oh, yes, you can leave 12 A MILLIONAIRE'S TRIALS. the dog. Call around for the money to-morrow. [Bell rings again.] Mr. J. Charles, see this gentleman to the door, and fetch some more of 'em up — Oh, I'm beginning to realize what it is to be a public character. Enter Mrs. Minerva Ranger and her niece Miss Maude Ranger. Mrs. Ranger. Mr. Jones I presume? In calling thus early upon you, Mr. Jones, I should like to express the joy of the public generally, over the reward of your many merits that has lately come to you. Mr. J. [aside], I'm hanged if they won't make me out a regu- lar Christian Saint and Martyr before they get through with me. Mrs. R. And dear Mr. Jones, having said this much, let me introduce myself as Mrs. Minerva Ranger, member of Sorosis, Secretary of the Women's Cold Croton Temperance Ass. and President of the Murray Hill Women Suffrage League. This is my niece, Miss Maude Ranger. Now Mr. Jones, we want you to do us a very great favor — we want you to lend the influence of your presence to, and make the opening address at the next Convention of the Murray Hill Women's League, don't we Maude dear ? Maude. Oh, yes, Mr. Jones, you'll come, won't you now. [Going over to the dog anil patting him.} Poor old fellow ! poor doggie ! Mr. J. [aside]. I can't refuse a pretty girl like that, anything. But great Caesar's ghost! to think of James Ferdinand Jones, presiding at a Women Suffrage meeting. [ To Mrs. Ranger.] Madam, it will give me great pleasure to make the opening speech at your convention. Mrs. R. Nobly-spoken, Sir. our oppressed sex may well feel proud of its new champion. Come, Maude. Maude [still fondling dog]. Yes auntie. Good-bye, dog- gie. Good-bye, Mr. Jones. Mr. J. Good-bye Miss Ranger. If your aunt permits you, you can have the dog. [Aside.] I wish she'd have me ! Maude. Oh, Mr. Jones, how kind you are. Wait a moment auntie. Come on doggie. Fido ! Prince! Gypsy! What's your name, Sir ? Mrs. R. Oh whistle for him Maude, and get through with it. Maude. Oh ! auntie. Whistle for him. Mrs. R. And why not ? For what purpose, do you think, did I send you to Miss Birch's Academy for the Formation of Stronge-minded Young Women; or for what purpose, do I associate you in our present noble work, if it isn't to be able to bring a dog by whistling, that won't come for coaxing? Whistle! I say. [Maude puts her finger to her lips, breaks A MILLIONAIRE S TRIALS. 13 down, laughs, makes a second attempt, looks at Mr. Jones, and bursas into tears. Mr. J. [aside]. Confound the old dragon. [To Maude.] Never mind Maude— Miss Ranger, I mean. I'll help you. [Goes over to dog and secures him with string which he places in Maude's hand. Both Ladies. You're awfully good, Mr. Jones. Good-bye, good-bye. [Exit Mrs. R. and Maude. Bell rings for \th time since Mrs. Ranger's entrance. Charles enters. Mr. J. How many are there now Charles ? Chaw. Oh there's a young woman of the Salvation H'army Sir, and ten reporters of the morning newspapers, and a man with a patent Crank-killer, and a Mr. J. For heaven's sake, Charles, say no more, I'll not see another soul to-day. I feel that I'm growing bald already. And Georgiana and Edith and Mildred —all that's before' me yet. Remember Charles not another visitor to-day. If De Forest should call, tell him I'll see him at the Club. Chaw. H'all right Sir. [Exit in opposite directions, Jones and Charles. End of Scene I. Act. i. Scene 2. — Act i. — Same room as Scene I. Time, Morning. Georgiana must appear as a lady of doubtful age. Mildred and Edith are young girls. [ Voices without. Enter Georgiana, Mildred and Edith. Chaw, [opening door]. But 'e's out hi say. Ladies [in chorus]. We'll wait. Chaw. Such h'impertinence is extremely annoying — h'em- tremely annoying I'm sure. [Exit Charles. Girls takeoff hats, etc. Georg. Too bad Mr. Jones should be out. What a delight- ful surprise it will be for the dear old man to find us here on his return ! MILDRED [picking up pr.ckage from table]. Why what a funny old gentleman our guardian must be — he smokes cigar- ettes ! Edith. And goes to the races. Here's his betting-book. [Shows book. Mil. [s^oing to sofa\. And here's his boxing-gloves. Well it does seem odd that a nice old New York gentleman should have these things lying around. And here's the Sporting Times ! Georg. Do talk with some reason, girls. You know per- fectly well, that nice old gentlemen in New York or any other place, don't smoke cigarettes or go to the races, or read sporting papers. Mightn't you suppose Mr. Jones had a son ? [At this moment, Jones appears in doorway, at back of stage, all ready for walk. Mr. J. [appears petrified]. Confound that stupid fellow, Charles ! Didn't I tell him 14 A MILLIONAIRES TRIALS. Georg. Ah, excuse this unwarrantable intrusion, Sir, but I'm sure you'rethe young man of whom we have just been speaking. We're the Misses Forrester, and you no doubt are the son of our venerable guardian, Mr. James Ferdinand Jones. Mr. J. / never had a son — I mean I never had a father — I mean — oh, confound it all. — ftn your guardian myself. Ladies [in chorus]. You ! Mr. J. {coming forward]. Well, if I'm younger than I should be, it's my uncle's fault and not mine. Anyhow I'm glad you came to New York, and shall try to make your visit as pleasant as possible. [Bell rings. Voices in hall. Mr. J. {jumps round]. Good Lord, if that's not De Forest. I must keep him out or in half-an-hour all the boys will have it. Enter Dick De Forest. [Shakes hands -with Jones.] Dick. Just ran in to congratulate you, old man. But hullo. What's this, Jones, old boy, I always knew you had a weakness for things theatrical, but I swear it's coming it rather fine, to have started a Burlesque Company already. Mr. J. Hush De Forest ; for heaven's sake, hush. Those ladies are my wards. I'm their guardian. You see besides being owner of five millions, my late uncle was guardian to the three Miss Forresters. The guardianship was transferred to me, along with his money. The ladies are half-sisters and that's how two of them might be my sisters and one of them my grand-aunt. [Bringing DlCK forward.'] Miss Forrester, Miss Mildred, Miss Edith, this is my friend De Forest. Mr. Dick. And how does New York suit you [to Geor- Giana] Miss Forrester? Georg. Oh, we like it very well, for what we've seen of it. But then, of course, New York is not Philadelphia. They say that society is dreadfully mixed here— that one might actually be obliged to dine with a person whose great-great grandfather supplied one's own great-great ancestor with coats. Dick. Tt's very sad and very true, Miss Forrester. A man in New York counts himself lucky if he had a great- grandfather of any kind at all Most of us hadn't even a grandfather. Mil. Oh, Mr. De Forest, you don't hesitate at trifles do you ? Mr. J. By the way, ladies, you must be tired after your journey, so a little light refreshment won't be out of order. Georg. You are very good, Mr. Jones, but pray don't trouble yourself on our account. You know we only stepped in a moment, to consult with you on some business matters, before going to a hotel. Mr J. Not the least trouble in life. Charles will see to all that. {Goes out and presently re/urns]. Well, I must say there's something deuced queer about that English fellow of mine, a millionaire's trials. 15 this morning And now about that matter of going to a hotel -You rausn't do that you know. While you stay in New York you must make this house your home, and avail your- selves of the best-trained servant that it was ever any fel- low's good luck to possess. I'll go to the hotel. Enter Charles bearing tray and walking unsteadily. MR. T. Charles! what's the matter? Charles. Nothing's the s'matter S'hir. 1 m s tremely com- fortable, S'hir. Mr. I. Charles, to put it mildly— you re drunk ! Dick. Ha ! ha ! ha ! That's rare. The Prince and Paragon of English servants has forgotten himself. Oh Jones ! Mil Dear me, Mr. De Forest, what a dreadfully sarcastic man you are. You make me shudder while I laugh. Edith. And me too. CHAW \balancing tray and confronting JONES]. Drunk S mr, did you say drunk. S'hir my feelings have been exasper- ated and trampled on, my lofty spirit aggrawated this morn- ing in various ways, but this is the last straw. Drunk! & Mr. J. Well never mind Charles, I'll forgive you this time. Only you must never do it again. Chaw Mr Jones, you have insulted me, but I forgive you from the bottom of my heart. S'hir, I was only celebrat- ing our accession to lofty position, Sir. I'd like to sing a little son? that I learned home in h'England for these ladies here. [ Tray over-balances, glasses fall, Charles sings We won t go home to morning, etc. , P urw.,,.. Mr. J. Get out Sir, Get out. [Hustles him out. Exit CHARLES singing "We won't go home to morning, to morning, to morning, We won't go home to morning, 'till daylight does appear. End of Scene 2— Act 1. Scene i —Act 2 — Time— Month from close of 1st Act. Same room as two former scenes. Old Mr. De Forest seated. Dick paces impatiently about. Mr De F. Oh Dick, Dick, what an impatient boy you are ! At twenty-five a man thinks ten minutes spent in waiting an eternity. Why not sit down and take things comfortably un- til your divinity does appear ? ,.,... , x, t DlCK {coming up, and standing hands in pocket, contemplates his father']. I say Guv'nor, were you ever in love ? Mr De F. Ever in love! Dick, my boy, I think your passion for Miss Forrester must have affected your senses ! To ask a man who has lived sixty years if he were ever in love ! Dick Look here Gu/nor, I didn't ask you how many times you thought you were in love, I asked you if ever in your 16 a millionaire's trials. life, you knew just what the real, simon-pure sensation was like. [Dick sits down. Mr. De F. Ah, my boy, we are getting into deeper water now. Yes, Dick, 1 once loved — I loved my friend Paul Rutherford as other men love whatever is dearest to them in life. We were playmates in childhood, comrades in youth, dear friends and companions in manhood. But there came a girl — Not your mother Dick — there came a girl I say, lighter than thistledown, more beautiful than the morning, and she put strife between us. The last time I saw my friend — poor Paul ! he was staggering away from me, blinded with the blood of a blow he was too generous to return. Once again, indeed, I saw him, but then the girl had become a dream, a shadow, a nothing. But he — my friend, — old Paul, — was dead. [Leans his head on hands. Dick. Poor old boy. I'm sorry that he should have taken it so badly. All the same I wish the ladies would come. Enter Georgiana. Georg. Good-morning Mr. De Forest. Very sorry indeed that my sisters should not have returned from driving. Dick. Miss Forrester, this is my Guv'nor. Dearest old chap in New York, aren't you dad ? [Dick De Forest takes seat near Georgiana. Mr. De F. [aside]. Humph ! f wonder if this is the girl with whom I was to fall in love at first sight. Well if she is, 1 must say the tastes of young men have altered since my day. Hem ! I suppose I had better give them a chance.[ Takes up newspaper, glancing m>cr its top occasionally. Dick [taking Georgiana's hand]. Miss Forrester — No, let me call you by a dearer name — Georgiana, I cannot tell you how glad I am to have this chance of speaking with you alone. Georg It's coming now ! I knew it would. Oh ! the dreads ful man ! Dick, [rubbing his forehead]. Let me see, do I remember it ? By jove yes ! I have it now. [ Turning to Georgiana]. Georgiana, I find it very difficult to speak on the subject which brought me here to-day. When I first met yourself and your charming sisters, I little knew, I little thought — that is — ah, I Georg. Exactly, dear, dear Richard. But you are very young. Dick. Well if I am only twenty-five, Miss Mildred isn't so very much over twenty-two, you know. Georg. Mildred ! Dick. Why of course, Mildred. You didn't think, dear Georgiana, that I was proposing for Edith, did you now? Georg. Mr. De Forest, / have nothing whatever to do with the disposal of my sister's affections. You'll have to ask Mr. Jones. a millionaire's trials. 17 Dick. Ask Jones. Oh, if I do, may I be hanged ! Georg. Hanged ! oh, fie, Mr. De Forest ! Dick. May Tbe electrocuted then. Do now. dear Georgiana, give voter consent. For you know that love is the very worst kind of heart disease and the shock of an unexpected refusal might kill me. Mr. De F. {looking up from paper]. Well, I hope you young folks have settled everything to your satisfaction ? Dick. Say yes, Georgiana ; for Heaven's sake, say Yes. Georg. Oh Richard you persuade me against myself. Yes, Mr. De Forest, we have settled everything completely to our satisfaction. Com-plete-ly. Enter LORD HARRISFORD. Lord Harrisford. Aw, beg pardon, but I thought, you know, that Mr. Junes lived here, you know. I am Lord Harrisford of Harrou-sford Park, Hants. Dick. And I'm De Forest of Wall St. and this is Miss Forrester and this is my Guv'nor. Lord H. Haw ! delighted I'm sure. But about Mr. Jones now. You see some other men and myself have formed a little party to do the far West— shoot buffalo and all that sort of thing, you know— and we have heard so much of Mr. Jones as a sportsman, that we thought it would bea rather nice thing, you know, to have him for one of us. Dick. Ha ! ha ! ha ! so Jones' fame as a sportsman has reached Europe. But it's not necessary, Lord Harrisford, to go to the far West for buffalo— why around Broooklyn and Hoboken the woods are full of 'em. Lord H Aw, really you know, Mr. De Forest, I could hardly believe that you know. But at least you have no In- dians nearer than Philadelphia ? Dick. Why man there's whole encampments of 'em over on Staten Island, and up in Harlem. Enter Jones, Edith, and MILDRED. Dick [continues^. But here's Jones who will tell you all about it. Jones, this is Lord Harrisford of Harrowsford Park, Hants. Lord. H. Mr. Jones, your friend has just been telling me the most wonderful things about your too awfully chawming country. He says there's whole encampments of buffalo in Brooklyn and herds of Indians up in Harlem ! Mr. J. Lord Harrisford, I'll tell you this. Whatever De Forest says, you may implicitly believe. In the matter of truth I have never known a man who so closely resembles George Washington as Richard De Forest. Georg. But why, Lord Harrisford, do your thoughts run on Indians and buffaloes. I'm sure the elite of this city would i8 A millionaire's trials. be only too charmed to have you remain among them, And I'm quite sure, so far as our poor efforts go Lord H. How awfully kind you are, Miss Forrester. You make me change my resolution. I shouldn't wonder, if, after all, you know, there were some better things in this country than hunting blooming buffaloes. [Takes seat near GEORGIANA. Mr. De F. [aside']. Hunting blooming old heiresses of fifty for instance. [To Jones.] Come over here, Jones, I have something good to tell you. [Jones goes and sits by old Mr. De Forest. Mr. De F. What do you think Jones, that boy Dick has been up to ? Nothing less than making love to Georgiana. Mr. J. [jumping]. What ? Mr. De F. Fact. He has been raving of nothing but Miss Forrester for the past three weeks, and he proposed and was accepted by that paragon of youthful loveliness about ten minutes before you came in. Mr. J. Oh ! this is rare. [Runs over and clasps De Forest. Dick. Hullo, Jones, what's up ? Hang it man ! don't choke me. Mr. J. Oh Dick, Dick you're a rare 'un. Dick. Confound it man ! I don't understand. What is it all about ? Mr. J. Oil ! don't play the "injured innocent" game on me. I'm only congratulating you, you know, on your engagement to Miss Mil. Oh Dick, don't let him say it. Don't let him mention my name. 1 should die. Mr. J. On your engagement to Miss Georgiana. Mil. Georgiana— Oh ! Dick, Dick. Dick. Georgiana ! No. 1 swear it. Georg [rushing over to embrace Dick]. Then, dear, dear Richard, it wasn't a mistake after all. You do love me. DlCK. It was a mistake. It is a mistake. What's the mat' ter with all of you ? [ To Georg.] Let me go, I say. Old Mr. De F. [coming over and grasping Dick's arm], Dick, my boy, you had better face the music. I'm sorry that a son of mine should have flirted with one woman, while intend- ing to marry another. Don't be bashful in owning up. You see the good example Miss Georgiana sets you. Dick. Bother Miss Georgiana, bother it all. Let me go I say. [Exit. Georg. Oh Richard, Richard, to think you could be such a cruel deceiver ! [Faints. End of Scene \. Act 2. Scene 2. Act. 2. — Time — Evening of same day as 1st Scene 2d Act. Scene same as 1st three scenes. Mildred stands near mantel, looking at engagement ring. Mil. No I shall never wear you again. I never wish to see him again, only, only 1 wish it were not so hard to say it. A MILLIONAIRE S TRIALS. 19 Never — oh I wonder is there any word in all the world so terrible as that one. When I try to realize its meaning, my courage begins to fail me, and I fear that if Dick should come back, I would be ready to forgive and forget everything. But no, I shall never do that — to think of his baseness in pre- tending to love me, when it was really Georgiana's thousands he was after. Oh it is too terrible. And to think that it all happened only this morning. Oh ! 1 cannot realize it. Enter Edith. Edith. What. Mildred, you didn't go to Mrs. Van Vort's re- ception after all then ? For anyone else to change her mind wouldn't be so remarkable, but for you who have always been the soul of consistency, such conduct is to say the least, won- derful. Mil. Oh, Edith I think you might guess easily enough why I didn't go. You know the kind of people one meets at Mrs. Van Vort's — people who know everything about astrology and astromony and the formation of species, and tell you all about it even in the intervals between the dances. Edith. And yet you were quite pleased last week, when Dick spoke of accompanying you there. Mil. Last week, oh, that's an eternity; that's ancient history. And Dick, — Dick can never be anything to me again. Oh, my heart will break ! Edith [going to her]. Why Mildred it I had known that you felt like this, I wouldn't have mentioned his name for the world. But /think it's all a mistake, — why, he said so himself, you remember. Mil. Oh yes, because he was ashamed of himself and could- n't very well say anything else. But oh, how I wish I could believe that he really meant it — it's strange, is it not, that it is those whom we love best, whom we are most inclined to doubt. [Bell rings. Edith. Oh Mildred perhaps that's Dick now. If it is, do not be ungentle to him; listen patiently to his explanation. If /had only done that when Jack Rivers tried to explain to me that miserable January night that now seems a hundred years ago. There are only two lessons for us women in this life— unwearying patience, unceasing gentleness. Remember that. [Exit Edith. Enter DlCK. Dick. Mildred [going up to her], Mildred ! [Mildred stands with her head towards mantel. Mil. Oh Dick — Mr. De Forest, I can't possibly imagine what brings you here this evening. Georgiana, you know, is out. If you have any message for her you can leave it with Edith. I'll call her. 20 A MILLIONAIRE S TRIALS. Dick. Mildred, what's the matter ? You couldn't believe — you surely don't imagine there was any truth in that ridiculous supposition of my father's, that I had proposed to Geor- giana Mil. Pray Mr. De Forest, don't think of making any ex- planations to me. I'm not interested in them just now. Per- haps though Georgiana would like to have a few — for instance in that matter of denying what you had just spoken, and running away from her in the presence of everybody. Dick. Mildred, you talk like a big baby. I couldn't, shouldn't, or wouldn't marry Georgiana, even if she were the last woman in the world, and 1 were the last man, and we were alone on a desert Island. Mil. Mr. De Forest, all this comes too late. / can never believe in you again. Here is your ring. I have no further use for it. Dick. Oh, very well then, Miss Forrester. Let it be fare- well if you wish it so strongly. But taking back the ring from the hand that I once thought would be mine to clasp forever — I tell you once for all that you are mistaken — that no woman save yourself has ever heard a word of love from my lips. Mil. I used to take a great interest in romances, Mr. De Forest, but lately they have failed to interest me. Dick. In other words, Mildred, you won't believe me. [Mildred turns from him.] Then there is nothing for it but farewell. Won't you even shake hands? What, not even for old sakes' sake ! Then good-bye. [Exit. Mil. What ! he's gone. Oh, Dick, Dick,/ didn't mean it. I do believe you. Oh come back, come back! Dick {partly re-entering}. No Mildred, it's too late. When I wanted to explain, you threw back the words in my teeth. You would not even give me the chance of saying a word in my own defence. Even the poor courtesy of a part- ing hand-clasp you denied me. Mil. Oh Dick, I'd like to know who's the baby now ? For a man to have lived twenty-eight years in New York and six in Wall St. and not know that a woman's words are ten times in a dozen, the exact opposite of her meaning — Oh you're the greatest goose ! Dick. Then Mildred it goes — our engagement, 1 mean ? Mil. Of course it goes — Put that ring directly on my finger, Sir. Dick. And the hand Mildred, 'tis mine forever and ever, isn't it ? Mil. Forever and ever and ever, Dick. Dick. Dear little hand, how nearly I came to losing you. [Kisses it. Bell rings. Mil. Oh ! I wonder who can that be. Come Dick, we'll play boy and girl and run away. There is a beautiful moon to-night, and we will go out on the veranda and enjoy it. [Exit Dick and Mildred. A MILLIONAIRE S TRIALS. 2L Enter Lord Harrisford followed by Charles. Lord H. And you tell me, Chawles, that the eldest Miss Forrester is out — how very, very unfortunate. Chaw. Hextremely hunfortunate for her I should say, your lordship. Hextremely unfortunate. It's not every day that a bony fide nobleman like yourself, visits this ere blooming country. Why, if your Lordship will excuse me for saying it, it did my heyes good to see you — It was h'old England, and 'arf and 'arf and the Prince of Wales and my old master the Dook of Doverfield all over again. Lord H. Chawles you amaze and delight me. I thought hitherto, that in this country the very air— aw the — the atmos- phere you know — was inimical to those traditions of rev- erence and awe which every true-born Englishman owes to his superiors. Chaw. A Englishman, your Lordship, is a Englishman under any circumstances and knows his duty as sich. Lord H. Very well said, Chawles; very well indeed. You're a credit to the training of his late Grace of Doverfield. But about other matters now, Chawles — I suppose you're greatly attached to the three Miss Forresters ? Chaw. Attached your Lordship. Attached's a slight name for it. Why h's positively adore Miss Georgiana. Such grace, your Lordship, such dignity. Wy she might be a Duchess. Lord H. [aside]. And she may be a Countess. [ To Charles. J And Miss Georgiana you say is a — aw you understand — a lady of independent fortune ? Chaw. Hextremely hindependent fortune / should say, your Lordship. A hineome in her own right of thirty thousand a year, and no hincumbrances. Good family, too, as such things go in this blooming country. I heard her with my own two ears declare she had a great grandfather. [Noise in hall, Charles exit. Lord H. I wonder would my dignity permit me to indulge in a jig. The eldest Miss Forrester's the lady for me. [ Whistles softly — dances jig. Enter Charles and Man struggling. (Man who had sold the dog to Jones in \st Scene \st Act.) Lord H. Chawles, your conduct astonishes me. What's the meaning of this ? Man. Leave go of me, why don't you, and answer his whis- kers. I'm no burglar, I aint. Chaw. In my hextreme delight to see your Lordship and my desire to do you 'oner, I left the door it seems, a little ajar. What does your Lordship think, but when I goes into the 'all a moment ago, I finds it filled with a dozen people at least, all wanting to see my former master, Mr. Jones, who used to live here. Since he became a millionaire, my life, your 22 A MILLIONAIRE S TRIALS. Lordship, has been one continued struggle to keep people out, who wanted to come in. Man. Aw come off, you red-headed British jay, you. Jones lives here and I'm goin' to lay for him till he pays me for me dorg. See. Enter Mrs. Merryweather. Mrs. Merry. Is Mr. Jones here ? No. Then if you're his man, Sir, tell him that Mrs. Merryweather leaves her respects, and desires his distinguished presence at the opening of the Home for Insane and Idiotic Cats, next Wednesday. Enter SALVATION ARMY GlRL. Salvation Army Girl. Is Mr. Jones at home? I have here some copies of the War-Cry Enter Man. Man. {with machine]. Can I see Mr. Jones ? Here is a little affair that I have been vainly trying to show to him ever since he came into his fortune. It is the handy patent Crank-killer, warranted to kill at a hundred paces. Shall I give a little exhibition of its powers to the company ? You work it this way. [Works machine. Lord H. Stop fellow, I say stop! [Belt rings. Chaw. Lord grant it's Miss Georgiana. She'll soon scatter 'em. Enter Jones. Mr. J. What's this? Charles have you gone mad ? Where are the Miss Forresters ? Mrs. Merry. Sir, I come to ask you to the opening of the Home Man [with machine]. Sir, I want to show you this handy patent Crank-killer. It kills Anarchists, Microbes Sal. Army Girl. Buy a few dozen War-Cries, Sir. Man. I sold you a little spotted dorg over three weeks ago Mr. J. Oh good heavens. I cannot stand this. They're pulling me into the hall, and I'll be torn into pieces if I stay another minute. Excuse me, Harrisfoid. Charles, I'll send you up a Policeman to help you clear the premises. [Exit. Man [with machine to other man}. See here. I have a good notion to turn my patent Crank-killer on you where you stand, and murder you. Through you and your confounded spotted dog, I have lost my only chance of ever shining be- fore the world as a great inventor. I'll Man. Aw come off now, won't ver. If you had only knowed that dorer a millionaire's trials. 23 Sal. Army Girl [to L. Harrisford]. Won't you buy a few War-Crys, Sir ? Enter Policeman McGinnis. Policeman. What's the matther with ye, ye divils, dis- turbin' the pace of a gentleman's dwellin' like this. Come out at once I say, every blessed mother's son of ye. Mrs. Merry. But Sir. Pol. Divil an inch I'll go till everybody else goes out before me. Them's Mr. Jones' ordhers. Come! March! Man who owned dog [points to Harrisford]. And what about his whiskers there. Isn't he comin' too ? Pol. Come on Sorr ! them's his ordhers. Every one; and divil an exception /'//make. Lord H. [rising]. Aw, this is what I call a beastly outrage you know. [Exit before POLICEMAN, L. Harrisford, etc., etc. End of Scene 2, Act 2. Scene i. — Act 3. Time — Afternoon, six weeks after opening of play, two weeks from last Scene. Room in which Woman Suffrage Convention is to be held. Jones and De Forest present. Mr. J. You see it's this way, De Forest. In order to win the niece, I must propitiate the aunt. In order to pluck the golden apple I must make myself solid with the old dragon that guards it. Dick.. Ah, that's your little game ? Mr. J. Not quite all — that's some of it. You'll have to take a hand in the rest. You see in order to give proper ef- fect to my speech on "The Forward Movement of Women on Murray Hill," I'll have to mount on that table. Now I must come down from that table through a little explo- sion Dick. Of laughter — certainly, dear boy, certainly. I'll be- gin now. Ha! ha! ha! Mr. J. No, nothing less than an explosion of dynamite. See I — ah— place this trifle of dynamite under the table so — I place the fuse thus — . Now at the proper moment — that's when I begin to get all mixed up — you must contrive to light that fuse Dick. And you'll jump up in the air, to come down sense- less and if possible, a little blackened, the first man martyr in the cause of Woman's Rights. Mr. J. Exactly, dear boy. Hoisted, as it were, by my own dynamite into the good graces of Maude's aunt. Dick. But I don't see why all this is necessary. Five million dollars might be a passport to any woman's favor, even though she be the inflexible Mrs. Ranger. Mr. J. Man, you don't know Maude's aunt. Not all the 24 A MILLIONAIRE S TRIALS. millions in Montana would buy her. But good heavens ! 1 have forgotten them ! Dick.. Forgotten what ? Jones, old fellow, this excitement will bring you to an early grave ! Mr. J. I have forgotten the notes of my speech. My only chance of winning the dearest girl in New York is gone. What shall I do?" Dick. Do ! why stay here of course and await the approach of the enemy, while 1 go back for the notes. Keep up your courage, old fellow. You know that in the matter of speed, no District Messenger was ever in it with me. [Jones alone. Enter Maude. Maude. What, you here already, Mr. Jones? Auntie will be delighted to think you take such a sincere interest in the cause. I just ran down to see that everything was in order for the meeting. [Busies herself with the arrangement of chairs, etc. Mr. J. Indeed now. You seem to take a mighty great in- terest in the cause yourself, Miss Maude, /don't understand much about the cause. Wouldn't you kindly explain a little of it to me? Maude. Oh ! Mr. Jones, /don't think much about Causes or Things. Auntie does all my thinking for me. Y)on\you believe it's just lovely to have somebody to do your thinking for you ? Mr. J. Well, that depends, you know. Suppose the person who did the thinking were about — feet — and wore a — gown and a — under her chin — why yes I rather fancy I should like to have my thinking done for me. [During this speech Maude picks up hammer. Maude. Mr. James Ferdinand Jones, I call you to order, Sir. — there, didn't I do that beautifully. Auntie says I'll be the ideal Chairwoman when I'm a few years older. Mr. J. [aside]. You will, will you? Not if James Ferdinand Jones knows it. [To Maude.] By the way, you have forgot- ten to mention how that forlorn specimen of doghood which you were kind enough to accept from me, has gotten along. Maude. Oh I'm the most forgetful girl. But I assure you, Mr. Jones, you wouldn't call him a forlorn dog if you could see him now. Why, he's the dearest, cutest, silkiest little dar- ling in the world. And you'd never guess his name. Mr. J. Oh it's something nice I'm sure if you did the nam- ing. Maude. Mr. Jones, I'll call you to order again. Oh, yes I did give him a pretty name — J. F. You know those are your initials. I embroidered them myself on the blue ribbon he wears around his dear little neck. Oh, he's the sweetest little fellow ! But I must go now, Mr. Jones, Auntie will wonder what delays me. [Exit. A MILLIONAIRES TRIALS. 25 Mr. J. What a blessed piece of unspoiled womanhood it is ! What a charming frankness there is in her way of telling a fellow that she rather likes him. Enter De Forest. Dick. Here they are Jones. [Gives note to Jones. Mr. J. Blessings on you Dick. But hark! here conies the enemy. Be sure you sit where you can reach the fuse easily. Enter Mrs. Ranger and Ladies. Mrs. R. Mr. Jones, I can't begin to say how very glad I am to see you here. Ladies, this is Mr. Jones, the well- known young millionaire who is going to rectify the mistake of being born a man, by making the opening speech at our Convention. Mr. J. And this, ladies, is my friend De Forest, con- verted, I am happy to think, to your noble cause by my unworthy example. [Maude takes seat near De Forest. Mrs. R. Mr. De Forest, you are welcome to the fold. As Chairwoman of this meeting I propose that Mr. Jones proceed with the opening address. [Raps for order. Mr. J. Ladies, I find myself in a position to-night that is, to say the least, trying. Not until a few weeks ago, when your gallant and honorable Chairwoman, Mrs. Ranger, called upon me, were my eyes opened to the wrongs of the fair and stronger sex. But 1 have entered this movement to- night to stay. I'm ready to suffer even death itself in the cause. If the age which evolved the bicycle, has also evolved the woman to guide it — If the century which has produced a John L. Sullivan has also produced a Dr. Mary Walker — If on Election Day a man will sell his vote for a little old two dollar bill and a schooner of lager — if I say, on Election Day a lady will sell her vote for a schooner of lager. Oh no, — f didn't mean that — If I say a lady will sell her vote for a schooner of lager. Oh no — that's all wrong. If a lady [consults notes] oh hang it, I can't find the place — if, if, {Gesticulates to Dick De Forest. Maude [to Dick]. What's the matter with Mr. Jones ? He's making all manner of curioui signals to you. Dick [jumping up]. Oh ! the fuse ! hang it, I forgot the fuse. [Touches fuse Explosion. Jones jtanps up in air. Ladies rusk over to Jones screaming : Oh the poor man!— Oh the blessed martyr! Mrs. R. What enemy to our movement contrived this ? Oh, if we could only find him ! Maude [dragging Dick forward]. Here he is, auntie. Here's the villain ! I saw him light it with my own eyes. Mrs. R. Oh, the wretch ! somebody go for a policeman this minute. 26 a millionaire's trials. Dick. But good heavens ! Mrs. Ranger ! Ladies ! this is all a mistake. Jones! [Jones groans. Dick. Jones! Jones groans again. Dick [to Ladies]. Let me go I say. [Runs to door; enter Policeman. Pol. So ye'd be going, would ye now. Troth it's a nice- looking Herr Most you are anyway. Oh, don't struggle. Come on now. Dick. But officer, this is all a mistaKe. Confound it man, I must speak to Jones. Pol. Ah, ye bloody-minded Anarchist, it's after finishing the poor divil ye'd be. Come on now, Inspector Byrnes will soon settle your hash, me boy. [De Forest breaks away, is pursued by officer, who in attempting to seize him gets an ignominious fall. [Exit DlCK. End of Scene I, Act 2. Slow close in of side scenes for Jersey Scene, or to drop an interior curtain for same purpose. Scene 2 — Act 3. Time, same week as 1st Scene, 3d Act. A Country Scene in Jersey \ Dick [sitting on slump or stile]. I'm hanged if I'll ever blow up a man again ! Here I have been exiled in these fersey wilds for the past two weeks, without even a word from Jones to say whether he had won the affections of Maude's aunt, and that so I might resume my place in civil- ized society again. And I suppose that poor girl Mildred's half heart-broken by this time. Enter Farmer, rake in hand etc. Farmer. Good morning Mister ! Guess ye're over from York, aren't you. Don't like York myself since I was bun- coed out of a hull quarter there in one of those danged museums, but I'd know a York man any place. Guess ye'r over here for your health, be'ant you ? Dick. Ha! ha! ha! For the health of the mosquitoes, I o;uess. And now if you're good at conundrums here's a little one for you. — What's the difference between the busi- ness end of a mosquito and the club of a New York Police- man ? Far. Give it up. Guess you're one of them idjits that makes their living by keeping other people all the time on the dead grin. Mebbe though in yer own case the difference between the Muskeetor and the Policeman's club is the North River. Dick. Say, you're too smart for a Jerseyman. Come over to New York and I'll let you into such a little green-goods game as will make the eyes bulge in your head. A MILLIONAIRE S TRIaLS. 27 Enter LORD HARRISFORD, dressed like a "Puck" Englishman, white helmet, shooting jacket, musket over shoulder, leggings etc. Dick. But here comes Harrisford, as I'm a sinner. Good bye Jersey ! i'll see you later. Far. [looking after him]. Great gosh ! there's my only chance of ever becomin' a rich man gone. Who'd ha' thought that an innocent-looking chap like that was a green- goods man anyway — If I'd ha' only known it Lord H. See here my good man. Where do you keep your buffaloes around here ? Here I have been tramping around this beastly province for the past three days, and by Jove ! haven't had the chance of one solitary shot at big game in all that time. Far. See here Mister Lord H. Sir, you probably don't know, you know, that you're addressing Lord Harrisford, of Harrowsford Park Hants. Far. Look ye here then, Mr. Lord Harrisford Park Hants, if that's yer name. The buffaloes air rather scarce 'round this neighborhood, jest now, but the kentry's chock-full o' other kinds of big game. Lord H. You don't tell me so. I had really begun to fancy, you know, that I had been made the victim of a beastly sell, you know. The fact is there don't seem much cover around here for any kind of game, anyhow. Far. Oh Jersey's more civilized than people think on, Mr. Harrisford Hants. Why only a few minutes before you come up, one of the smartest green-goods men from York was here, givin' me points on a little green goods game of his'n. Wisht he had stayed. This farm-work may be all very well for them that hasn't a soul above it, but for me, give me city life and a swaller-tail coat any day. Lord H. By Jove yaas ! I fancy you'd cut a remarkably brilliant figure in a swallow-tail. — But about that matter of the big game Far. Great Gosh ! there's plenty of 'em about here, Muskeetors, as long as your arm and as wicked as sea sarpints you'll find anywhere's from here to Hoboken. Lord H. To Hoboken. Don't mention it. Rather say to the Dead Sea at once, you know. But as to attacking the mosquitoes of this blawsted province, T assure you on my honor as an English gentleman that I wouldn t attempt that. Enter Mrs. Merryweather with basket. Lord H. My good lady, have you seen any large game around here ? Mrs. Merry. Sir, I beg to inform you that I'm not at 28 a millionaire's trials. all interested in large game. At the present time I'm en- gaged in a search for small game myself. Lord H. Upon my word, Madam, you re highly interesting. And for what small game, may 1 awsk, are you searching ? Mrs. Merry. For cats Sir. For friendless and Insane cats. Ah, you don't, know, Sir, what sacrifices 1 have made in that glorious cause. Until recently our society was confined to New York, but now it has spread its happy influence to neigh- boring cities and in me you behold the New Jersey Executive Branch. [To the Farmer.] Have you seen any Insane or Idiotic cats in this direction, Sir ? Far. Jerusalem ! but this is great One comes to Jer- sey for buffaloes and the other for Insane Cats. How I wish that green-goods man from York was round here now. Wouldn't he jest howl ! Lord H. Well by Jove, I must say this is a queer country. A lady devotes her time to the cultivation of Insane members of the feline tribe and glories in the fact. When 1 ask for big game I am advised to shoot mosquitoes. Well, I must say good-morning. My road lies this way. [Exit. Mrs. Merry. And mine lies this way. To the rescue of the friendless cat. [Exit. Far. Wish that chap from York *ud come back. He said he'd see me later and let me into a little green goods game of his'n. But them city sports has mighty short mem- ories. Howsomever I kin wait. [Whistles. Enter De FOREST. Dick. Hello Jersey. Thought I'd find you dead from an overdose of English nobleman. And that reminds me— I heard a little thing down at the club the other night that thoroughly fits the case of Lord Harrisford of Harrowsford Park, Hants. [Sings : A BRITISH PEER UP-TO-DATE. I. He is an Englishman, Don't you see ? Don't you know ? Of a high, patrician clan, Don't you know He's a howling British swell And the waiters love him well Down at the Waldorf hotel, Don't you see ? Don't you know ? CHORUS— For he's got ten thousand a year Don't you see ? Don't you know ? And he is a British peer, Don't you know ? At a breakfast or a ball With the ladies short or tall Oh he is the darling of all Don't you see ? Don't you know ? A MILLIONAIRE S TRIALS. 29 2. He drinks champagne at the bars, Don't you see ? Don't you know? Smokes unlimited cigars, Don't you know ? As he canters down the mile The Duchesses all smile For they do so like his style, Don't you see ? Don't you know ? 3. He has got his horses and hounds, Don't you see? Don't you know? Keeps his shooting-box and grounds, Don't you know ? At the races he's the rage And he's known upon the stage By each actor, prince and page, Don't you see ? Don't you know ? 4. He's been single all his life, Don't you see, Don't you know ? And it's thought he wants a wife, Don't you know? But what girl within this town Would aspire to that renown [Don't you catch the point ? Must come with a million down, Don't you see ? Don't you know ? End of Scene 2, Act. 3. Scene 3— Act 3. Time— Evening, week after Woman Suffrage Convention. Room in which Woman Suffrage Con- vention has been held. Jones seated, his head bandaged, etc. Mr. J. By jove, it's a mighty nice thing to be blown up by dynamite. 1 wonder what has become of poor De Forest. Enter Maude. Maude. Poor Mr. Jones. I do hope you feel better. Mr. J. Miss Ranger — Maude, do you really care so very much ? Maude. Why, of course I care very much. You do ask the silliest questions ! Mr. J. Then I'm going to ask a sillier one yet. Maude, how does the title of Mrs. James Ferdinand Jones please you ? Maude. Why, are those all your names, Mr. Jones? You might be an Austrian Archduke, you have such a string of 'em. J-a-m-e-s Ferd-in-and Jones. Yes, it sounds very musical. Mr. J. [rising]. Now, my dear girl, this playing at cross- purposes will never do. Perhaps I will not soon have another opportunity of saying what I wish to tell you this morning. Surelv, dear Maude, you must have seen — can you not guess, what I would say to you ? Will you not make me the happiest fellow in the world, by promising to become my wife ? Maude. Your wife ! James Ferdinand, why that's the silliest question of all— of course I'll be your wife. {Drops courtesy to her reflection in mirror.'] I salute you, Madam la Millionaire. We'll have a house on the corner, a box at the Opera, 3° A millionaire's trials. and thousands of beautiful gowns. [ Goes back to Jones.] James Ferdinand Jones, do you know what you are ? You're a darling. But you'll have to ask auntie. Mr. J. Ask that old dragon, Maude ? Oh, you may frown, but she is a dragon. Maude. Well you can tell that to herself now. Enter Mrs. Hanger. [Jones sits down. Maude. Oh auntie ! Mr. Jones has just been saying the sweetest things about you. He said that you were a Mr. J. Maude ! Maude. That you were a Mr. J. Maude ! Mrs. R. Leave the room directly, Maude. Don't you see how you're exciting our poor patient ? For all your training you re no better than an over-grown school girl \Exit Maude. Mrs. Ranger takes seat tiear Jones. Mr. J Mrs. Ranger, 1 have just been telling your niece of a little plan of mine Mrs. R. Exactly, dear Mr. Jones— Go ahead. Mr. J. It's this. I'm going to consecrate the rest of my life to the noble work of emancipating your sex. But I can't do it alone. Mrs. R. And you shan't have to do it alone. I'll help you Susan B. Anthony will help you. Dr. Mary Walker will help Mr. J. Ah, your'e very generous, Mrs. Ranger. But you have a great many interests to attend to. I want somebody Maude yS by my SidG ' N ° W if y ° U COU,d s P ar * Mrs. R. Spare Maude— what do vou mean, Mr. Jones ? Mr I. Why, that I'd very much like to marry vour niece, Mrs. Hanger. ' Mrs.R. My niece! marry a man. Oh [Swoons. Mr. J. Maude ! Maude ! Enter MAUDE. Maude. Oh, auntie, what's the matter ! Mrs. R. {opening her eyes}. Maude— he— wants— to marry you. J Mr. J. Good Heavens, Mrs. Ranger, listen to sense for a mo- ment. In me your niece will marry a martyr as well as a man When we are married I will grant her every possible privilege the heart of a manly woman could desire. ™ RS 't R ' Maude - De so g° od a s to check off on your fingers, as Mr. Jones names them, those privileges for which he would have you exchange your liberty. Mr. J. Well then, dear Maude, I'll show you how to fold a millionaire's trials. 3 1 your pasters on Election Day, and side by side we'll go to the pulls and cast our vote. Maude. Very good Mr. Jones. That's one. {Number s on her fingers. Mr. J. I'll teach you how to overcome the scruples of the bashful voter. Maude. That's two. Mr. J. I'll instruct you in the manly art of self-defence, a la Mr. J as. Corbett. , Maude. How delightful ! just fancy my little hands in a big pair of boxing-gloves. That's three. Mr. J. I'll show you how to pick out the winner in a Guttenburg steeplechase. I'll teach you how to guide the obstinate bicycle. I'll— Oh hang it. I'll do whatever any fellow could do to make his wife happy Mrs. R. James Ferdinand Jones, you're an exception to your sex. As an exception to your sex, I'll accept you for my nephew. ^ . ., ,-, Mr. J. Dear Mrs. Ranger you're a jolly good fellow, her- mit me to embrace my future aunt MRS R [rising]. Well, dear Mr. Jones, I must say good-bye for a short time. Business connected with the cause calls me away from vour side. Au revoir. Come Maude. [After a moment, J ONES walks to window and looks out. Mr T. Thank Heaven she's gone at last. No mother- in-law was ever in it with Mrs. Ranger. But 1 wonder what the jolly old girl will say afterwards, when she finds out 1 m just a man— a mere man. Enter Maude. Maude. Oh Mr. Jones Tones. Maude dear, you must learn to call me by m\ 'first name now, vou know. Call me James Ferdinand, or if you like it better, simple James. Maude. Simple James ! oh that's charming! Well then simple Tames, I want to ask you a little question now that Auntie's gone. I have been thinking quite seriously over some things, these past few davs. Mr. J. Thinking, Maude ! Why 1 thought your aunt did all your thinking for vou ? , Maude. Well not quite quite all. Now about yourself, tor instance. 1 rather think you weren't hurt so very very much in that dynamite explosion. Mr. J. Maude, you're a miracle of oiscernment. 1 wasn t hurt at all. , , , . , T , Maude. Oh, I see through it all. At least 1 think 1 do It was just a little trick arranged between yourself and Mr De Forest in order to blind poor auntie Mr. T. Exactly, dear girl. But you musn't give it away, you know, even yet, lest by any possibility it would reach 32 A MILLIONAIRE S TRIALS. your aunt's ears. Not a word of it even to Georgiana or Mildred or Edith. Maude. And what will become of poor Mr. De Forest? Perhaps he'll be hunted down and tried as an Anaichi&t. Mr. J. Oh Dick's pretty sure to ligiit on his Jeet under any circumstances. And now Maude, I want to ask you a tew questions. Of course you can answer them just as you please. Whatever they may be they won't alter the lact that you're the dearest girl in the world. Maude. Well James Ferdinand, you do know how to say nice things. Mr. J. Well then Maude, here's question Number One — It's a mighty delicate one I know — but would you really care to vote? Maude. James Ferdinand 1 shouldn't want to do such a thing under any possible circumstance — unless that vou wanted me to do so. Mr. J. And you don't care a continental for the Marquis of Queensberry rules — I mean you wouldn't care to take boxing-lessons, even from me. Maude. The idea ! Mr. J. And you'll never ask to go to Guttenburg or to propel the festive bicycle ? Maude. Oh James Ferdinand I'm not strong-minded. It's only auntie thinks me so I don't want to vote, and I don't wish to know anything about voting, and 1 wouldn't be seen on a bicycle, and the only kind of a horse-race I want to bet on is the horse-race at a church Fair. But I must go now. I have stayed too long already. Good-bye. [Exit Maude. Mr. J. By Jove, here's a good chance for singing that song. [Sings: — THE END OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY MAN. Let others sing the days of old Their warriors bold and maidens fair Such themes but slight attractions hold To charm a modern millionaire; His ideals are of other mold They're built upon a later plan, He takes delight to sing to-night The End of the Nineteenth Century Man. Chorus — Search the ages through and through Find among them if you can, Anything quite equal to The End of the Nineteenth Century Man. Varied types of him we've seen Scattered o'er the world's wide span London, Paris, New Orleans, Berlin and Jerusalem; a millionaire's trials. 33 Each its own type forward brings Modelled on a special plan, But New York supplies the true End of the Nineteenth Century Man. Chorus. CHORUS — Right from Twenty Third street down To Wall they go in grand review, The world-famed men of our town Croker, Williams, Byrnes, Depew, Financiers of- high renown — Earth holds not the like of them, All first-rate and up-to-date End of the Nineteenth Century Men. Chorus I'm one of the four hundred now And if you my appearance scan I think you quickly will allow I am a most genteel young man. And on my breast henceforth I vow To wear the gold chrysanthemum That labels still on Murray Hill The End of the Nineteenth Century Man. Chorus. End of Scene 3, Act 3. Scene i— Act 4. Same room as 1st Scene of 1st Act. Time — Morning one week after close of last Act. Georgiana on sofa. Lord Harrisford on his knees beside her. Lord H. Then you refuse me still, Georgiana. You won't be Lady Harrisford. Georg. Oh ! how can i when I think of Richard. But you have a very nice place in Hampshire, you say ? LORD H. And a shooting-box in the Highlands, and a stall at the Opera, and the most delightfully wicked reputation in London. Do, my angel, say you'll be mine. I'm awlully tired kneeling. Georg. You awful man ! [Extends her hand. LORD Har- risford about to kiss it, is interrupted by entrance of man who sold [ones, the dog, in \st Act. LORD H. jumps up. Georgiana faints. Chaw, [to man]. Come h'out at once, I say ! Man. Where's Jones — Dat's de bloke what bought me dorg. I tell you I must see Jones. Lord H. Chawles ! I say eject the man ! Man. Look here, you two British Jays. I want me money or me dorg ! See ? Lord H. What price did you put upon the miserable hound, Sir ? I'll give you a guinea for him to get rid of you. Man. Aw, come off. Me dorg was no miserable hound, but a spotted purp what Mr. Wanderbilt sent me on me last birthday, and 1 want five bones for him. Lord H. My good man, do you take me for a cannibal? Five bones ? What do v'ou mean, Sir ? 34 A millionaire's trials. Chaw. Oh, in this 'ere blooming country that's the name for dollars, you know, your Lordship. [Georgiana groans. Lord H. Here's the money for your miserable cur, Sir. Get out. [Exit man.] Chawles get some water quick {Exit Charles.] Wake up. my angel. Wake up, Georgiana. Enter Charles, with water. Don't you hear me, my angel— [sprinkles water}. It's all right Chawles, you may go. [Harrisford kneels. Georg. Is that you, dear Richard . Lord H. No Georgiana, it's Harrisford, dear Harrisford, you know. Look at me, my angel ! Georg. He calls me his angel. Oh ! [Swoons. Bell rings. Harrisford jumps up. Georg. Harrisfoid, stay where you are — a moment — you called me your angel — I am. Yes, George Frederick, you may. [Lord H. kisses her hand. Door opens. Enter JONES. Mr. J. Has anyone seen De Forest? Lord H. Jones, my dear fellah, you come in the very nick of time. Miss Forrester — ah — you know — Georgiana, — has consented to be Lady Harrisford. We need ox\\y your con- sent to be perfectly happy. Mr. J. [shakes hands}. You have it, Harrisford, my boy, you have it. But I forgot. I'm a family man. 1 must ask you a few questions. Georg. Oh ! dear Mr. Jones, it's no. necessary. I'm nis angel now and next year, I'll be Lady Harrisford of Harrows- ford Park, Hants. Mr. ]. Ha ! ha ! ha ! very good indeed. Very good. You're an angel now, but next year you'll be an archangel of the seventh heaven. Harrisford, you're a trump. Enter Mildred and Edith. Mil. Oh Mr. Jones, have you heard anything of Dick — of Mr. De Forest, I mean ? We haven't seen him for nearly two weeks. Mr. J. And two weeks are an eternity where Dick's con- cerned, eh, Mildred ? Mil. And oh, Mr. Jones, forgive us for not thinking of it before for you do look very well, but have you quite recovered from the effects of the explosion ? Mr. J. The explosion. Ha! ha! ha! Edith Why he treats it as a joke. MR. J. And it is a joke. The best joke of the season. Ha! ha! ha! Mil. [clasping Edith]. Why poor Mr. Jones has gone *„ millionaire's trials. 35 crazy. The shock of the explosion has unsettled his mind. Edith. Do now, Mr. Jones, be quiet. There's a dear. Sit down. Mil. Do now, Mr. Jones. Georg. Come and sit down here, Mr. Jones. [Places chair. Mr. J. God bless me. I'm not tired. I must find De Forest. [ Turns as if to go. Mil. There he's gone now. Stark, staring mad. And he never even told us the name of the villain who attempted his life. Oh ! Mrs. Ranger! Enter Mrs. Ranger, Mrs. R. Dear Mr. Jones, we have been so frightened and so anxious about you. You shouldn't risk your precious life by leaving the house so soon, you know. Have you heard any- thing of that wretch, De Forest? Mil. She calls Richard a wretch ! Georg. [from sofa]. Dear, dear Richard. Lord H. Oh, hang it ! Georgiana, you ought to drop that you know. Say dear, dear George Frederick. Mrs. R. I hope you'll all be kind enough to excuse Mr. Jones. But a little Committee of the Murray Hill Woman's Rights Association, await his coming impatiently at my home. Mr. J. [aside]. Oh ! Lord, talk about a lamb led to the slaughter. [7>Mrs. Ranger.] I'm ready, Mrs. Ranger. Au re- voir! [Exit Mrs. Ranger followed by |ONES shaking his fist. Georg. Come here, Edith. Come here Mildred. [Rises and points to Harrisford.J Behold your future brother-in law ! Lord H. Aw, it's a very trying, I mean a very delight- ful position, you know, and I'll try to live up to it. Mil. And you'll be Lady Harrisford, won't you Georgiana? And have a cute little countesses' crest on your stationery. And when we go over to England, you'll present us to the Queen. Edith. Dear old Georgiana. How very delightfully charm- ing you two people are. Enter old Mr. De Forest. Mr. De F. Good Morning Ladies. Have any of you seen my boy Dick ? Have you seen him, Miss Mildred ? He has disappeared and I can't find a trace of him. Mil. Then he has gone without saying a word to anyone. Without a word even to me. Oh, what could induce him to run away like that ! Georg. Richard has disappeared. Harrisford, do you hear that. You called me your angel a moment ago. I want you to prove it now Lord H. As how, my sweetness? Georg. By finding Richard. George Frederick, if you 36 a millionaire's trials. ever wish to call Georgiana Forrester of Walnut Street, Philadelphia, Lady Harnsford of Harrowsford Park, you must go at once and find Richard. Mil. Georgiana, you're the very dearest sister in the world. Lord H. All right my love. All right my angel ! I'll find Richard, even if I have to hunt for him amidst the Indians of Staten Island or the buffaloes around Hoboken. I'll find Richard even if I have to go back again to Jersey. You couldn't avvsk a greater proof of a man's devotion than that, could you dear ? Georg. Dear, dear George Frederick. Edith. Kind Lord Harrisford. Mil. I'll never be able to thank you enough for your good- ness. Lord H. [faking Mr. De Forest's arm]. Come Mr. De For- est, when George Frederick, nineteenth Earl of Harrisford, gives his word to do anything, that thing may be said to be already done. I'll find Richard. Georg. Wait a moment George Frederick. In your noble zeal to find Richard you forgot your eyeglass. Let me fas- ten it. There ! Lord H. Right there my angel. [Kisses her. Exit Lord Harrisford ^Mr, De Forest. End of 1st Scene 4th Act. Scene 2. — Act 4. Same room as in 1st three scenes of istAct. Time — Evening few days after close of 1st Scene 4th Act. Edith [alone. Goes to the looking glass]. — Only twenty-two and yet to think that my life is ended — quite ended. I am utterly weary of this wretched farce of dining and dressing and laughing when one could weep. Oh ! Jack, Jack, if I could only recall those words that sent you away to the wild Arctic seas, this night two years ago. [ Walks away from mirror and picks up flowers. Poor roses. I wore you that night here on my breast. I re- member he said you were not nearly so pink as my cheeks. I remember— ah, all life seems only a remembrance now. [ Takes up letters] Here they are, not so many of them. One came with a volume of poetry. One with an offering of rare blossoms. One — ah, cruel little note, the hands that wrote and folded you are still enough now. [Replaces letters. Takes up violin or goes to piano] Poor old violin, I wonder do I remember how to play you. [Plays. Afterwards goes over to table and drops her head on her hand.] Oh ! Jack ! Jack ! Jack ! Mil. Oh Edith, why will you mope so ? Always thinking of that lost lover of yours. As if thinking could bring him back. You make me miserable. And indeed I am wretched enough already in being unable to hear or see anything of poor Dick. A MILLIONAIRE S TRIALS. 37 Edith. And Dick has been gone scarcely three weeks and Jack has been lost for two years. And you — ah, at least you have the comfort of thinking that the last words between you, were words of kindness. Not words of unheeded pleading on the one hand, and of bitter scorn on the other. Oh, Jack, Jack could you only come back from the green seas, how quickly I would unsay every cruel word. Mil. Now Edith do give over such useless regrets. Look here dear ; take up your violin and play the music of that old song we all sang together this night two years ago. We were all very happy then, though how / could have been happy before I knew Dick, I cannot now understand. [Edith takes up violin. Mildred sings old song. Georgiana enters during singing. Georg. Dear me, girls. It seems to me as though neither of you were very happy. Here's a letter for you, Edith. Somehow the writing seems strangely familiar. Mil. And oh, Georgiana, I see there is no use in asking the question — Dick has not been found ? Georg. No, I have just had a telegram from Lord Harris- ford who is now over in Jersey, and he tells me that in his ef- forts to find him, he has been buncoed twice, nearly sand- bagged once and barely escaped with his life from a trolley- car. Oh, the courage of Harrisford is something wonder- ful — wonderful ! Edith. Oh Mildred, Oh Georgiana, you'll never guess who this letter is from — why from Jack himself. Only he and two others of all who went on the expedition were saved. And he has lived through the most dreadful hardships, the most hor- rid privations, kept up he says, through it all, by the. thought of coming: back to cruel me. Mil. Dear Edith, I'm very glad for your sake. Oh! if I could only hear from Dick. Georg. Never mind Mildred. Harrisford will find him. Oh, you don't know of what heroism George Frederick is capable. [ Tremendous ring of door-bell. Enter hurriedly Dick De Forest and Charles. Chaw. What's hup, Sir ! What's the trouble ? Georg. Oh Richard, dear Richard ! Mil. Oh Dick, dear Dick, where have you been ? Georg. O Richard, have you seen Lord Harrisford ? Dick. Hide me somewhere. They're after me. Don't say a word. [Ladies push him under table and seat themselves about it. Enter POLICEMAN. Police. Where is he, 1 say ? Let me get at the scoundrel. 38 a millionaire's trials. Georg. What scoundrel, officer ? I don't think we look particularly like people who'd harbor scoundrels. Besides there's no man here except Charles, and he's only a servant. Pol. Didn't 1 see him runnin' up the stoop wid me own two eyes. An' he's an Anarchist o' the worst description. But if it had been only an ould speculator like Russel Sage he wanted to murdher, the divil a much I'd a minded. But to think that he'd want to blow up that poor harmless idjut Jones Georg. Oh officer, you don't mean it — Surely it wasn't he that attempted to blow up our guardian ? Pol. Oh it was him and the divil another. An' it was just when poor Mr. Jones was at the height of his oration to them ould Murray Hill Wimmen's Rights Wimmen, that he comes along wid his ould dynamite to blow him into King- dom come. Troth it was the ondacintest deed I ever knew. Georg. [to Mildred]. Ah, that's the meaning of our guar- dian's silence about the name of his would-be-assassin. But I'd never — no never — have believed it of Richard. Mil. And /don't believe it yet. Georg. [to Police]. Officer, the man you want is not here. You have made a mistake. We wouldn't touch an anarchist even with our finger-tips. Pol. Troth mam and I'll say it to your face, you don't look as if you would. Anyhow I don't see him here, though I seen him as plain as a pike-staff on tiie stoop. Maybe though, the shock of that fall he gave me sphoiled me eyesight and that I see double. Och ! he'll see double when I lay me hands on him. [Georgiana goes out and returns with bottle and glass which she places before POLICEMAN. Georg. Officer, here is a little refreshment. It will do you no harm after your fruitless race — No, it's not lemonade. [Policeman drinks. Pol. Troth mam and it's a fine dhrop ye keep. And now ladies I guess I'll be getting a move on me. [Exit Policeman. De Forest emerges from beneath table looking dishevelled. Dick. Do you"hear that. Mildred ? I'm an Anarchist, I am. I'm a follower of Herr Most. I blew up Jones. Mil. Well I must say you are a rather desperate-looking character. Georg. But Richard, I cannot believe it. You to blow up our Guardian ! you, his best friend. Oh it's quite im- possible. Dick. Oh, I can't explain it. Jones can. Why the deuce he hasn't done so before this and given me a chance to enter civilized society without the fear of being grabbed by a policeman at every corner, is more than / can understand. Re-enter POLICEMAN. Mil. Oh Dick, Dick hide yourself ; there's that aw- ful officer again. A MILLIONAIRE S TRIALS. 39 Dick. Too late Mildred. All I have got to do now is to stand my ground. Pol. Ah ! ye infernal Rooshian I have ye safe and sound at last. 1 heard your voice through the crack of the dure just as I wint out and it was the divil's own luck, I did hear ye at all. Come on me bye. Byrnes will be glad to have a little conversation wid ye. Georg. But officer, this man — Mr. De Forest isn't guilty. Do you not think now that we might arrive at a little under- standing. At a little adjustment — ah, officer you know what I mean. Pol. Troth mam I think I do. But whatever his other faults and failings, Officer Mc Ginnis is above bribes mam. What soort of a bribe now do you think would compenshate a man for an eye like this ? Oh, he's a firsht-class scoun- drel, and '11 look beautiful in a striphed shirt. Come with me Sorr. Mil. But officer this is a mistake — an outrage. Dick, Dick, I say you shan't go. No, you shant ! Dick. Never mind Mildred dear. It won't amount to anything. Only you had better tell Jones. It's all only the biggest kind of a blunder. Pol. Troth Sir, an' yer'e right there. It is the biggest kind of a blunder for you. No Miss, don't cry ; the omadaun's not worth it. [Exit Police and Dick. ' Mildred falls sobbing. End of Scene. Scene 3d. Act 4. Side Scenes. Side Scenes. o Chair. o Chair. Judge's Desk. O O Foot Lights. o Chair. Clerk's Desk. Scene 3 — Act 4. Court room. Court is being temporarily held in room of hotel. Policeman McGinnis near desk. De Forest sits in dejected attitude. Pol. Ah, it's there ye are, me boy, sittin' as free an' aisy as if ye rinted the place and run the business. Divil a cooler hand I ever seen in me life. Be jabers an it's a mighty soft sate you have of it anyway in this foine grand hotel room, compared to what ye'd have had in the ould Court-House that was burned down last week. Haw, ye decateful divil, I sup- pose it's conthriving a new dynamite cartridge ye are. Be- gorra and it's meself will get promoted when this arrest reaches Headquarters. Troth it's enough to make a man sing. 40 A MILLIONAIRE S TRIALS. I am Officer Mc Ginnis of the lgth Precinct Squad A credit to the finest as you see. 1 was born in Connemara, but I landed in New Yonc In the end of January, '93 But I knew a man, who knew a man who knew the Janitor Of the Hall down in Fourteenth St., so of course, With some very slight evasions of the Civil Service Questions, I at once became a member of the Force. CHORUS — As I walk along my beat In my uniform neat The ladies with great pleasure do me scan; While the people passing by As they wink their leeward eye Say Mc Ginnis is a very happy man, Yes, Mc Ginnis is a very happy man. At the Grand Central Palace, oh, it's there I most do shine, And if you but come up there any night, You will see me standing stiffly as Napoleon Bonaparte And I think you will pronounce me "out of sight." But it's soon I will be climbin' up promotion's slippery rung, Oh a celebrated man I'll surely be; An Inspector or a Captain, you may safely bet your hat on, One of these fine days, you'll Dan McGinnis see. Enter Clerk of the Court. Pol. Well Sorr, how does that bit of a verse suit you ? Clerk. Oh it's great. But what's this, McGinnis. A con- fidence man or a Drunk and Disorderly. Pol. Oh he's disordherly enough, but if he's dhrunk with anything at all, it's with villainy. See the eye he has given me. Sure an' if his Honor don't give him five years for this, bad luck to another day I'll ever sarve on the force. Dick [jumping up}. Confound it all. What kind of a Court is this anyway, where a fellow's compelled to sit two hours listening to a fool policeman. Oh ! if I could only see Jones ! Pol. Now ye can see for yourself Sorr, the kind of a "disordherly" he is. He's not content wid blowing up a harm- less fellow-crature, but he wants to see the remains. Aw me bird ye'll sing another song when ould Judge Finnegan takes ye in hand. Clerk. You're right there, McGinnis. The Finnegan brand of Justice is the only thing of its kind on this blessed Island. Last week there was a mighty tough case of Drunk and Dis- orderly up before him "What's your name, me lad," says the fudge in that soft confidential way of his. " Arrah, is it me name you'd like to know" says the fellow, thinking he had struck a soft thing and winking knowingly at His Honor "Shure if you'd like to know me name, it's Denis, Denis Finnegan, your honor, a second cousin of your own." "Stop a millionaire's trials. 41 there" says the old man, getting black as thunder. "Your name, Sir, is not Denis at all. It's Mud. Just plain Mud. Six months on the Island." Enter Judge Finnegan. [Takes seat.] Clerk. Silence in the Court. The case of the people ver- sus Richard De Forest to the bar, [Policeman brings De For- est forward. Clerk [still reading}. Richard De Forest, you are charged with attempting to take the life by means of dynamite of one James Ferdinand Jones. Also with the high crime and mis- demeanor of resisting the majesty of the law as embodied in the person of Officer McGinnis of the Nineteenth Precinct. Prisoner, what have you to say to these charges ? Dick [aside]. What will I do ? Plead not guilty or betray Jones ? Well er-er-er. Judge. Make a direct answer to the charge, Sir. Did you or did you not attempt the life of a fellow-man by means of dynamite ? Furthermore, did you not commit an assault and battery on an efficient policeman while engaged in the discharge of his duty ? Dick. If anyone in this case, you Honor, has been unjustifi- ably assaulted and battered, I think his name is Richard De Forest. Judge. What Sir, you'd make a joke of the Dignity of the Court, would you ? Officer, what did this man do ? Pol. Phwat didn't he do, your Honor! There's a lot of ould wimmen up on Murray Hill, and they pass their time in thrying to make out that they're men and brothers and good fellows in general. A couple of weeks ago they held a meet- ing and got a poor, harmless millionaire named Jones to orate to them. In the middle of Misther Jones' speech what does this divil here do, but set fire to a thrain of dinnymite undher the table. And whin I attimpted to arrest him, aw the divil an inch he'd come wid me, but run round and round the room, laving only the tail of his dress-coat in me hands. But I got him again and here he is, yer honor, hard and fast. Judge. Officer, it's not necessary to say another word. In his person and appearance the prisoner bears every mark of guilt. Sir, it's the opinion of this Bench that you're an An- archist of the first water. Dick [aside]. O, great Scott, hear that. I almost begin to feel as if I were a bomb-thrower. What in thunder has hap- pened to Jones, anyway ! Judge. It is the opinion of this bench that the pris- oner is not wholly responsible for his actions. Richard De Forest, you are remanded for another hearing, and an exam- ination into your sanitv. Dick. My sanity. Oh this out-Herods Herod. I think I feel the pressure of the strait-jacket already. Pol. Step Lively me boy. [Leads De Forest toward cell. 42 a millionaire's trials. Enter J ONES gesticulating. Mr J. Stop, i say stop ! I'm Jones. Judge. Officer, arrest this man also, for creating a disturb ance in Court. Mr. J. Don't you see ? I'm Jones. I'm the man that was: blown up. I'm all right ! Judge. This is Jones ! This is the man that was killed by dynamite. He says he's all right. Officer, there's some mistake here. Bring your first prisoner back. [Jones and De FOREST shake hands. Mr. J. De Forest, you're a brick. Judge. God bless me, this is the strangest case that ever came before me. A man shakes hands with another man who attempted to take his life only two weeks ago. — Prisoners, explain yourselves. Mr. J. Your Honor, you see it was this way. It was only a little