The Little Red Mare. ^ FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION SUCCESSOR TO DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, NEW YORK, PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY J5 CENTS EACH r CRANFORD DAMES. 2 Scenes; IJ^ hours ,...,.,..«,*... 6 GERTRUDE MASON, M.D. 1 Act; 30 minutes... 7 CHEERFUL. COMPANION. 1 Act; 25 minutes..... 2 LESSON IN ELEGANCE. 1 Act; £0 minutes 4 MAIDENS ALL. FORLORN. 3 Acts; 1^ hours 6 MURDER WILL OUT. 1 Act; 30 minutes % ROMANCE OF PHYLLIS. 8 Acts; 1^ hours 4 SOCIAL ASPIRATIONS. 1 Act; 45 minutes 6 OUTWITTED. 1 Act; 20 minutes 8 WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 4 SWEET FAMILY. 1 Act; 1 hour 8 BELLES OF BLACKVILLE. 1 Act; 2 hours 80 PRINCESS KIKU. (35 cents) 13 RAINBOW KIMONA. (25 cents.) 2 Acts; 1^ hours % MERRY OLD MAIDS. (25 cents.) Motion Song 11 PLAYS FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY J5 CENTS EACH H APRIL FOOLS. lAct; 30 minutes BYRD AND HURD. 1 Act; 40minutes DARKEY WOOD DEALER. 1 Act; 20 minutes WANTED, A. MAHATMA. 1 Act; 30 minutes HOLY TERROR. 1 Act; 30 minutes MANAGER'S TRIALS. 1 Act; 1 hour MEDICA. 1 Act; 35 minutes NIGGER NIGHT SCHOOL. 1 Act; 30 minutes SLIM JIM AND THE HOODOO. 1 Act; 30 minutes WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 1 Act; 30 minutes SNOBSON'S STAG PARTY. 1 Act; 1 hour 12 PICKLES AND TICKLES. 1 Act; 20 minutes 6 HARVEST STORM. 1 Act; 40 minutes 10 CASE OP HERR BAR ROOMSKI. Mock Trial; 2 hours.... 28 DARKEY BREACH OF PROMISE CASE. Mock Trial. 22 GREAT LIBEL CASE. Mock Trial; 1 Scene; 2 hours 21 RIDING THE GOAT. Burlesque Initiation; 1 Scene; IJ^ hours 24 FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORP'N, 18 VescySt., N. Y. THE LITTLE RED MARE at farce in <©nc ^tt By O. E. young AUTI*OK OF "BACK FROM THE PHILIPPINES," "RIDING THE GOAT/ AND MANY OTHERS Copyright, 1908, by Dick & Fitzgerald FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION' successor to Dick & Fitzgerald 18 Vesey St, New:York f\.^ ^\s "C^ ^o:i, 7 TMPS2-007605 THE LITTLE RED MARE, CHARACTERS Kennison Keene An Old Farmer, very deaf, M'CullisPepperill, . . A City Dude, in love with Keene' s da lighter. Bob Pease, . , A horse-dealer in pursuit of the " Little Red Mare. Scene. — A Kitchen in Keene's Farmhouse. i'lME OF Representation.— About thirty-five minutes. COSTUMES Kennison Keene. — A^e 55. Lank, sunburned and very awk- ward. Has red hair, worn long and unkempt, a fringe of scraggy red skiggers around under chin, and huge, brass-bowed spectacles. Wears a brown drilling frock, much faded, blue drilling overalls, very short in the leg, a blue and white checked gingham shirt, no collar, and has a red bandanna knotted about his throat. Also red woollen stockings and huge, clumsy low shoes or brogans, badly trodden over and guiltless of grease or blacking. Puts on a bat- tered straw hat on leaving stage, and turns his toes out when he walks. M'CULLIS Pepperill. — Age 22. Tall, slim and sallow, with very prominent Roman nose, a slight pale yellow mustache, and hair of the same color, worn very long and parted in the middle. Has on eyeglasses. He appears very timid and somewhat simple, and has a trick of holding his mouth slightly open when not speak- ing; he also has gloves on and does not know what to do with his hands. He wears a dark suit, very tight, the double-breasted coat cut square and scarcely reaching hips, being tightly buttoned. Has on a very high standing collar, a brilliant-hued wide silk scarf tied in a great bow, and white cuffs down over his knuckles. Also wears a little round cap on the back of his head and very long', pointed patent leather shoes. Walks " kangaroo " and lisps badly. 3 4 The I^ittle Red Mare. Bob Pease. — Age 35. Short, stout and red-faced, with an enor- mous stomach. Has black hair, cut short, and a huge black mus- tache, fiercely waxed. Wears a rather light brown suit, checked off into great squares by black stripes almost half an inch wide, with the cutaway coat worn open. Has on a white shirt and white turn- down collar, with a flaming red tie. Wears an enormous gold chain across his vest front, with corresponding large horseshoe charm, a big " diamond " on his little finger and another in his necktie, and a tall silk hat. Carries a thick black walking-stick with a gold head. Has a swaggering gait and the manner of a sport. PROPERTIES Table, and dishes, etc., to lay for one, including coffee-pot, pep- per-box, etc. ; old-fashioned blunderbuss ; big revolver and stout cane for Bob ; other furniture such as might be found in a country kitchen. STAGE DIRECTIONS As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audience ; R.. means right-hand, L. left-hand, and C. centre of stage ; C. D. door in centre of flat. Up, toward rear of stage ; Down, toward foot- lights. THE LITTLE RED MARE. SCENE. — A kitchen. Doors R. and in flat ; small table set for one with dishes, coffee-pot, pepper-box, etc., L. C, about two thirds back ; old-fashioned blunderbuss hanging 07t wall L. of door in flat ; chairs ivith such other furnishings as might be found in a country farmhouse, Kennison Keene DIS- COVERED seated R. of table. Kennison. That little mare the city feller is gittin' pastured here is a pooty slick animile. She'd make a mighty nice present fer my darter Nellie when she comes hum, 'cause the mare's name is Nellie, tew, an' both on 'em hev got red hair. Wisht I owned her. Mebbe I will yit ; her owner said I might hev her for an even hundred, pervided a feller he'd send daown ter see her ter-day wouldn't gin any more fer her. He won't, not ef he swallers the settin'-eout I'll gin the mare when he gits here, 'cause Kennison Keene knows a good boss when he sees it, an' a good bargain, tew. Wonder w^har the feller is ? ENTER M'CuLLis Pepperill, r. M'CULLIS. Good mawning, thir. Kennison [hand to ear). Hay? M'CULLIS {louder). I thaid good mawning. Kennison {hand to ear). Speak right eout, Mister; don't mumble so. M'CULLIS. Mumble? Gweat Joopiter ! My chawming Nellie nevaw told me her paternal pwogenitor wath deafaw than an addaw. {To Kennison, very loud.) Good mawning. Kennison. What ails ye, Mister ? Lungs weak ? M'CULLIS {roaring, hand to mouth). I thaid it wath a good mawning. Kennison. Yaas, I know 'tis. What on it ? M'CULLIS {aside). Heaventh ! How ith a fellaw going to pwopothe for a man'th daughtaw when the man can't heaw it thundaw ? 5 ^ 6 The I/ittle Red Mare. Kennison {impatiently'). Wall, what is it ye want? Speak up, naow, 'cause yeVe got sech a 'mazin' weak voice I couldn't understand a thing ef I wasn't mighty quick o' hearin'. M'CULLIS {aside). Quick of heawing ! He hathn't any more hole thwough his earth th^n a potash kettle hath. ( To KENNISON, very loud.) Are you Mither Kennithon Ke^ne ? Kennison {hand to ear). Hay? M'CULLis (hafid to mouth, roaring). Am I addwethin Ken- nithon Keene ? Kennison {angrily). No, sir — an' ye hadn't better try ondres- sin' him nuther. M'CULLIS {roaring). I mean are you Kennithon Keene? Kennison. Sartin. Who be yeou ? M'CULLIS {very loud). I am Mithtaw M'Cullith Peppewill, thir. Kennison {hand to ear). Who ? M'CULLIS {roaring). M'Cullith Peppewill. Kennison. Gosh ! What a name ter go ter bed tew ! Don't it gin ye the nighthoss sometimes ? M'CULLIS {angrily). Blawtht the old gwanger ! I wish it wath wight to kick one'th paw-in-lavv that ith to be. Kennison {hand to ear). What d'ye say? I seenyermaouth wiggle, but I couldn't understand nothin'. M'CULLIS {very loud). I thaid my name wath M'Cullith Peppe' will. Kennison. Yaas ; I understood that. Say ! Ef ye don't wrop yer neck up nights in red flannel an' skunk's ile ye'U lewse yer voice intirely one o' these days. M'CULLIS {aside). More likely I'll butht it bellowing down that clamshell thtuck on the thide of hith head. Kennison {getting up and placing a chair c). Hev a seat, Mister Portcullis Mackerel. M'CULLIS {angrily, very loud). No, no. M'Cullith Peppe-* will. Kennison {testily). Wall, wall! don't git huffy 'baout it. What's the difference atween Portcullis Mackerel an' M'Cullia Pickerel ? Hain't both on 'em fishes? M'CULLIS {7naki7ig face, aside)'. Won't I have a blethed time athking the conthent of my paw-in-law that ith to be when he hath no more ear-dwum than a thtone hitching-potht ? Kennison {hospitably). Set daown. Mister; no marter what yer name is — only stop yer whisperin' fer goodness' sake ! M'CULLIS {aside). Whispewing ! I'm glad my chawming Nellie wathn't born twinth, becauthe one pwepothal ith enough. {Sits.) ^ Kennison {bringing another chair c). Wall, what kin I de\V fer ye. Mister M'Ginty's Whipperwill ? M'CULLIS («j/^^). Oh! As if M'Cullith Peppewill were that The I^ittle Red Mare. 7 kind of awoothter! I wish I had a megaphone. (TI^Kennison, very loud). I want to mawwy your daughtaw, Nellie. K EN N I SON {sittittg, putting ha7id to ear). Hay? Ye'r whis- perin' agin. M'CULLIS {aside). He'th deafer than an old haddock. {Des- perately, very loud). I want to mawwy your daughtaw. Kennison. Carry me water .^ What for? Thar's a pump right in the shed. WC\]hi.\s {still jnore desperately). No, no, no. I ihsy {belloW' ing). I — want — Nellie. Kennison. Gosh! {Jimipitig up and going i.., aside^ This is the feller arter the little red mare, but he talked so pesky low I clean forgot 'baout her. I'll gin him sech a drive he'll think he never wanted a boss an' dunno what they was invented fer. {Re^ turns c, to M'CULLIS). So ye want Nellie, dew ye? {Sits again). M'CULLIS {loud). To be sure I do. Kennison {putting ha fid to ear). Hay ? M'CULLIS {nodding head violently). Yes, yes, yes. Kennison. I don't b'lieve it. M'CULLIS ( starting up , a ngrily) . T h i r ! Kennison {putting hand on his shoulder). Thar! thar! Don't git huffy agin. Set daown an' let yer hair curl, Mister McPoultice Cuttermill. (BOTH sit). Ye think ye want her, but I know ye don't. Dew ye understand the critter's dispersition ? M'CULLIS {i.vith enthusiasm, loud). She 'th an angel. * YiY.-H^X'&O^ {hand to ear). Hay? A which ? M'CULLIS {roaring). An angel. Kennison. That's all yeou know 'baout it. She's a red- haired little divil ; that's what she is. M'CULLIS {angrily). Her hair ithn't wed ; it'th auburn. Kennison. Hay? M'CULLIS {shouting). Her hair ith auburn. Kennison. Wall, hev it yer own way ; call it sunburn ef ye want tew. It won't fade her hair eout none nor help her dispersi- tion any. M'CULLIS {surprised). Ith her dithpothithion tho bad ? Kennison, Hay? M'CULLIS {roaring). Ith — her — dithpothithion tho bad ? Kennison. Sartin. She'd run erway with ye the very fust chance she got. M'CULLIS {aside). I weally think she would, she loveth me tho. ( To Kennison, very loud.) Don't wowwy, Mithter Keene; I'll withk that. Kennison {hand to ear). Hay ? M'CULLIS {bellowing). I'll withk it. Kennison. Quite 'frisky ? I should say so. She's run away with three different men a'ready. 8 The I^ittle Red Mare. M'CULLIS {horrified). Gweat Joopiter! I should think she ivath fwithky ! Kennison. 'Twas a sad case 'baout the last one. He'd jest sent his wife off visitin' when Nellie run away with him, an' when she shook him off an' cleared herself she left the poor feller piled up in the ditch wdth his back eenamost broke. M'CULLIS {jwnpmg tip in constertiation and goi7ig R.). Can it be my chawming Nellie ith thuch a cweature } Kennison {watching him, aside). I got him good an' skeered. {Chuckles^ Naow ter keep him goin'. {To M'CULLIS.) Come back an' set daown, Mister McWillis Pepperhull. Ye do' know half the little beast's failin's yit. M'CULLIS. What! {Turns hastily and goes back Q^. Hath she more bad twickth ? Kennison. Hay } M'CULLIS {shouting). More bad twickth ? Kennison. Four bedticks ? What's four bedticks ter dew with Nellie ? M'CULLIS {desperately, very loud). No, no, no. {Aside, waving hands wildly^ Oh, I'd wathaw have a wooden Indian for a paw- in-law ! He'd heaw more and thay leth. (71? Kennison, /^^//fw- ing.) Hath she any more bad twickth ? {Screeching^ More — twickth ? Kennison. Tricks ! Why, Mister Powdermill ! the fust thing yeou know she'll kick yer stummick eout. M'CULLIS. Gwaciouth Heaventh ! {Clasps hands and collapses in chair ^ Kennison {chuckling with delight, aside). Hain't I gittin* him skeered ! {To M'CULLIS, clapping hiin on the back.) Brace up. Mister Cornwallis Puppytail ! Thank yer lucky stars I've ben honest enough ter tell ye the little critter's failin's afore ye get the trade all made. Some men would hev told ye anything ter git red of a vixen like Nellie. M'CULLIS {very loud). You thay she will kick ? Nellie will kick ? Kennison {positively). Yaas, sir/ I seen her kick the hat right off my hired man's head onest an' never faze him. She let her nigh foot fly six inches over the top o' his head. M'CULLIS {throwing up haiids and falling back ijt chair. Aside). Nigh foot ! I should thay tho ! Altogethaw too nigh ! {To Kennison, 7Jery loud.) What had Nellie got againtht the hired man ? {/^oaring.) Againtht the hired man ? Kennison. Nothin', I told ye — but she tried her dingedest ter git her foot agin him. M'CULLIS {dum/ounded, loud). Wha-wha-what did the hired man do to awouthe Nellie'th wath ? Kennison {hand to ear). Hay ? Speak eout. Don't fergit that red flannel an' skunk's ile ; yer voice is all gone agin. The lyittle Red Mare. 9 M'CULLIS {roaring). What did— the man— do— to make— her angwy ? r . • i Kennison. Nothin', that I know on. He was kinder young an' green an' wan't used ter handlin' sech critters, an' mebbe she felt enkimmen techy. M'CULLIS {horror-stricken). Heaventh ! Kennison. I s'pose she didn't exactly feel like hevin' a man Vaound jest then. {Cheerfully.) Nellie hain't allers taken that way, though. M'CULLIS {aside). I should think not— if she hath wun away with thwee of them ! ( To KENNISON, very loud.) Wath anybody hurt more ? . Kennison. Hay? Throw eout yer chist an' git some wind in it, an' then try £*n' speak eout laoud. M'CULLIS {bellowing). Wath anybody hurt more ? Kennison. Anybody's shirt tore } M'CULLIS {shaking head). No, no, no. {Roaring.) Did she— evaw hurt — anybody — more ? Kennison. Oh ! Say ! it'd be a terrible pity ef ye lost yer voice intirely, wouldn't it ?— Yaas ; Nellie hurt me more. M'CULLIS {loud). What? Her own pawent ; all the fathaw she evaw had— and more fathaw than anybody elthe would evaw want! 1- 1 u A Kennison {shaking head in conuniseration). Sech a littie thread of a voice I I'm 'fraid you're not long for this world. M'CULLIS {bellowing). How did— Nellie— hurt you ? Kennison. She bit me. M'CULLIS {in a yell, springing to feet in amazejnent). Bit you ? , Kennison. Yep! Right here on my laig. {Indicating:) Its a wonder I didn't hev the Ida Phoebe, Mister Pepperpill. M'CULLIS {aside, droppifig back in chair). It'th more of a wondaw that she didn't. Kennison. Ye see I was takin* some bran-mash and carrots eout ter the keow, an' Nellie was mad 'cause I wouldn't gin her any ; so she bit me when I went by her. M'CULLIS {horrified, very loud). Bwan-mash and cawwoth ! Nellie won't eat thothe, will she ? , Kennison. Sartin. She's that dainty she won't eat nothin else. Ef yeou git her that's what ye'U hev ter feed her on. M'CULLIS {aside). A pleathant pwothpect, I mutht thay ! Jutht to think of having a wife who won't eat anything but bwan- mash and cawwoth ! Kennison. I can't blame the critter though, cause her teeth are so poor she can't eat much else. M'CULLIS {thunderstruck). Teeth poor? Wh-why— (^'^O' loud) her fwont ones look all wight. Kennison. Oh, yaas ; they're pooty fair, but she can t chaw 10 ^lie I/ittle Red Mare. with them an* her back ones is all gone. Jest ye pull her maouth open an' take a peek in ; ye'll find she's got only tew or three old snags in back. Look eout while ye'r dewin' it, though, 'thout ye've got a few laigs ter spare. M'CULLIS {aside). The ideaw of pulling my Nellie'th mouth pen! (r^KENN when she bit you } Kennison. Wall, I guess so ! She tuck a hunk eout o' me an' my trowsis as big as a butternut. It growed up in a couple o' months, but my pants was spiled. M'CULLIS {aside 7nour7iftdIy). Oh, what a dweadful ending to love'th bwight, golden dweam ! The girl mutht be dewanged. ( To Kennison, very loud.) Say ; do you think Nellie'th mind ith thound ? Kennison {/lajtd to ear). Hay ? M'CULLIS (^^7?£///;7cr). Is she — thound — in mind? Kennison. Saound berhind? In course not. She's got a spavin on both hind laigs. M'CULLIS {ditmfoimded). Th-thpavinth ? Gweat Joopitaw ? Kennison. Mebbe ye know haow ter take 'em off, though. M'CULLIS {hastily). No, no ; {Shaking head, loud.) I don't. Kennison. No ? Jest yeou let 'em erlone, then. Never go ter foolin' with things ye don' know nothin' 'baout. y\:Q.\5\.\.\'Sy {hastily, shaking head). I won't. {Very loud) Ith that all that ailth her? Kennison. No ; there's suthin' the marter with her for'ard. She can't seem ter strike eout much. M'CULLIS {aside). I should hope not ! A girl that can kick a man'th hat off don't need to stwike out much. Kennison. The fact is she's chistfounded, but not more'n half the folks in taown ever seed it. M'CULLis {waving hands wildly). Oh ! oh ! oh ! I should hope not! Kennison. Ef ye dew conclude ter take Nellie, Mister Mc- Foolish Paowdermill, jest ye take old Kennison Keene's advice. {Confidentially patting him on shoulder.) Gin her an almighty close o' popple bark. M'Cullen {dumfoimded, loud). Popple bark? Kennison {ha7id to ear). Hay ? M'CULLIS {shoutijig). What mutht I give her popple bark for? Kennison. Puppy bark for? {Looking around.') I hain't got no dawg ; ye must hev beared suthin' else. M'CULLIS {roaring). What shall I give her bark for? {Bel- lowing.) Give — Nellie — bark — for ? Kennison. Oh ! that's what ye want ter know. Wall, I'll tell ye. It's jest like this— (6;/^/^^?;//j/.) Say ! couldn't ye never talk eout laoud like other folks ? M'CULLIS {half frantic waving hands in desperation). Never The IVittle Red Mare. (i mind me ! {Very loiid.) Why doeth my Nellie need thebgrk? {Roaring.) Need the bark ? Kennison. Wall, I'll tell ye, Mister Pimplebill. {Putting /land on his shoulder, co7ifidentially.') She's got worms. M'CULLIS {leaping to feet). What? Kennison. It's a fact. Had 'em ever sence she was a two- year-old. Mister Purplebill. M'CULLIS {aside, wildly). I cannot believe it. I'll wush to my chawming Nellie and learn the twuth. {Hurries R.) Kennison {rising). Hold on. Mister Pepperknoll. What's yer hurry ? What ye goin' ter dew ? M'CULLIS {turning at door, loud). I cawn't thtand any more. I shall go to my Nellie. Kennison {/land up). Hay ? Dew what ? M'CULLIS {very loud). Go to my Nellie. {Shouting.) Go to Nellie, Mithtaw Keene. {Bellowing?^ Go to Nell. Kennison {enraged). Don't yeou swear at me. Mister Peeper- full. Go thar yerself an' see haow ye like it. Git eout o' here on the double-quick, or I'll knock that same place eout o' ye, ef I dew belong ter the meet'n'-haouse. {Ad7>ancing flourishing fists). Mizzle, Mister McPalace Kittlefull, afore I lam ye. M'CULLIS {aside terrified). Oh ! oh ! If I thtop to pwopothe for the gwanger'th daughtaw, the gwanger'll kill me, and if I don't the gwanger'th daughtaw will. No mattaw ! I won't give up my chawming Nellie if she hath wun away with evewy man in the plathe, and kicked their thtomacth out afterward with thothe thame thpavined 1 — 1 — Oh, my ! {Stops suddenly.) Good-bye, old had- dock ! ( Very loud). I'm going to Nell. [EXIT hastily R. Kennison {stopping at doo?-). Going to — {Pauses). Wall, 1 guess he is onless he stops short in his ongodly career. {Return* ing C.) He won't need no little red mare ter haul him thar, nuther. Haw, haw, haw. {Laughs). Didn't I gin Nellie a recommend, though } She's mine at a hundred dollars. {Look" ingoflYL.). Hullo! Thar comes the free rooral delivery man an' he's puttin' a letter in my box. (EXIT R. and comes in with letter a moment later.) I b'lieve it's my darter's writin'. {Looking at it.) Wonder what she wants naow. {Opens it and reads.) "Dear Pa : You will be surprised to learn your little girl wants to get married, but I've found a young man in the city here, and oh ! he's such a love ! He'll be down to ask you for me this very day, al- most as soon as this letter, and you must encourage him a lot or he'll get frightened and run away, because he is so bashful. Don't let that happen. Pa dear, or you'll lose a rich son-in-law, and my lieart will be broken. I'm coming home to-night and see how things come out. Your loving daughter, Nellie. {Speaks.) "By tunkett ! That little red-headed gal o' mine has ketched a rich beau an' wants me ter help her git spliced ter him ! Gosh ! hain't she smart ? 'Course I'll incourage him I NeDie shall hev her bash» 12 ^lie I^ittle Red Mare. ful beau — an' I'll hev the red mare an' gin it tew *em for a weddin* present. ENTER Bob Pease, r. Bob. Are you Kennison Keene ? Kennison {not hearing). Trust me ter git over the bad spots when thar's a bargain ter be made. Ef the red-headed little vixen don't change hands pooty soon it won't be my fault. Bob {aside, suspiciously). Eh I I wonder if he means the little red mare. Kennison. That feller needn't be a mite afeared ; he'll git Nellie all right. I'll praise her sky-high when he gits erlong. Bob. You will, eh } I'll look out for you, my deaf old de- ceiver. {Loud.) Say! {Punching him with cane.) Are you Kennison Keene? Kennison {Jumping and clapping hand to place}. Gosh! ( Turning a?igrily.) Who be yeou, an' what ye pokin' beanpoles in my back for } {Rubs it.) Bob {very loud). Are you Kennison Keene? Kennison (/m;z^//^ mr). Hay? Bob {roaring). Are you Kennison Keene? Kennison {crossly). Sartin I am. Anything ter say agin it? Bob {loud). Notaword. Kennison, Then who be yeou ? Bob. Bob Pease. Kennison. Knock-knees? {Looking closely.) They be kind o' crooked, hain't they ? Bob {roari?ig). No, no. Bob Pease. Kennison. Oh ! What d'ye want o' me, Mister Pease ? Bob {very loud). I came to see about the sorrel, Mr. Keene. {He does ?tot understand, shouting.) The sorrel. Kennison {jwt comprehending). The sorrel ? Bob {loud). Sure. Nellie, you know. ( Very loud.) Nellie. Kennison. Oh! Nellie. {Aside.) It's her beau. Naow ter gin him sech a incouragin' he'll think he's married a'ready. ( To Bob, offering chair.) Hev a seat. Mister Pease. Bob {sitting). Thank you. {Loud.) Is she still in the market ? {Shouting.) Is Nellie in the market ? Kennison. Nellie gone a-sparkin' ? Haw, haw, haw. {^Laughing,) Wall, I reckon suthin on that line, 'cordin' ter what I hear. {Aside.) Ef this thing warn't rich, I shouldn't break many hearts' over him ef I was Nellie — 'thout I wanted his pants for a checker-board. Bob {aside). What does the old fool mean? {Shouting,) Can I make a bargain, — for Nellie ? Kennison {suspiciously, aside). He doesn't look rich 'nough ter keep a yaller dawg in good style ; I must saound him an' see Tlie I/ittle Red Mafe. 13 thar's no mistake. {Comes C and sits by Bob.) Got the cash, Mister Beans? Bob {angrily, very loud). Mr. Pease. r- . .v,^ ^.cK Kennison. All right; Mister Pease, then. Got the cash. BOB {ioiid\. Loads of it, man. Just took the sweepstake. Kennison. Cook a beef-steak I What's that got ter dew ^%(^''{alide). An almighty lot, I reckon, these days ( T^ Kennison, very loud.) Proves a man a millionaire don t it KENNISON {laughing). Haw. haw. haw. Pooty nigh ; pooty n\gh {Aside!; NelUvasright; he's rich. He shall be my son- '^t^iV::^^^^^: Well! well! {Very loud.) On what terms can I have Nellie? MJct.*,- KENNISON {smiling affably). Any tarms ye like, Mistei Corns —as long" as ye take her off my hands. ,,,,,. , BOB ^urprfsed, Iside). What in thunder is old Whiskers up to ? He's off before the word go. There's a kink about the httle mare somewhere and I must find out what it is. {To KENNISON, very loud.) Is Nellie fast ? Fast ? . ^, . .u * fV,^ KENNISON. Fast? Bless yer soul, no! She s baout the slowest thing ye ever see fer a shemale. V.OB {very lotcd). Then I won't take her. Kennison {dumfounded). Wha-what! Why i* Bob {loud). Because she isn't fast. KENNISON. Gosh! {Aside.) Reckon he ^... need incourag- in' Fust man I ever see that wanted his wife ter be last. BOB {loud). If she wasn't so slow, I might want her. KENNISON {aside). I must smooth that over er weU lose him, proputty an' all. ( To Bob, confidentially) Wall naow I 11 tell ye. Mister Oats; she hain't so almighty slow arter all. Be- tween yeou an' me an' the taown pump, when Nellie once gits started she can jest go along some. BOB {aside). Changed his tune, eh ? That s better, but there must be something wrong about her somewhere, (r^ Ken NISON. very loud.) Are her knees sprung ? KENNISON {surprised). Bees stung? What? BOB {aside, impatiently). J\^oM '■'^''^^^l ^""^^t,^^^^^ than that with his nose ; it's big enough, {To KENNISON, shout in^.) Are her knees sprung ? Her knees? Yennison. Whose knees? Oh, yaas ; I ^^"^^^-rber NeU^ did walk intew a hornet's nest oncet when she was a little critter an' they more'n peppered 'em, but they re all right naow BobW^.). So far, so good. {To Kennison,/./.^.) Does ^he switch her tail much ? {Shouting) Switch? * Kennison {surprised) Nellie never had none Y>0^ {roaring). Does she switch her tail ? Her tail? 14 the I^ittle Red Mart. Kennison {bewildered). Her— her tail? Nellie switch her tail? Bob. Sure. {Very loud.) Won't have no critter around me that keeps her tail a-flying. Kennison {aside). He knows 'baout that longtailed dress she wore tew the Masons' ball. He's heard everything an' that pesky train is goin' ter spile the match 'thout I kin dew suthin. ( To Bob.) No, sirree ! Never knowed her ter hev no conveni- ences fer switchin' 'ceptin' that one evenin'. I soon broke her o' that foolishness, Mister Barley. Bob {angrily, very loud). Pease. Kennison. Oh, yaas; I fergot, but I knew 'twas suthin growed in the graound. Hain't barley jest as good a crop as pease ? Bob {aside). Might suit a hen better, but it don't me. ( Very loud.) Does Nellie ever strike ? Kennison {amazed) Strike ? No. Ef she'd ever struck me the jade 'd faound I'd hev struck back. Bob {very loud). I mean interfere. {Bellowing.) Does she ever interfere ? Kennison. Never interfered with me, an* I don't b'lieve she will with yeou — {aside) ef ye allers gin her her own way. Bob {loud). Does she shy ? Kennison. Hay? Bob {shouting). Does she shy ? Kennison. Shy? No. Jest kind o' modest, Mister Wheat. Bob {aside). Mr. Wheat ! He'll call me squashes and pump- kins next. ( To Kennison, loud.) Is she afraid of autos ? Kennison. Ef ye git her, jest look eout she don't climb inter the fust one she sees an' try ter run it herself, — that's all. Bob {aside). Hm ! Believe I'd rather the mare would be a little afraid. Kennison. When it comes ter bisuckles, Mr. Greens. Nellie's right on her Ebenezer. I went ter taown with her one day an' there was one leanin* agin the curbstun right whar I hitched, — the fust one she ever see. I went in tew a store and left her on the street a minute, an' pooty soon I heard a commotion. When I got ter the door, what d'ye s'pose I see ? Bob {loud, shaking head). Don't know. Kennison. Wall, sir, Nellie'd been tryin' ter ride that air contraption, an' they was daown in the gutter so turribly mixed up ye couldn't tell which was which. It cost me thutty dollars ter git a new bisuckle. Bob {aside). I draw the line at a horse that tries to ride bicycles and run automobiles. Kennison. Ye donno' half the little sorrel-top's cute tricks yit, Mister Turnups. Jest wait till she climbs up inter yer lap oncet an'— The I^ittle Red Mate. 15 Bob {interrupting y eyes bulging, very loud). What? Does Nellie do that ? Kennison. Sartin. She's so 'fectionate she's jest full o' them little capers. It'll dew yer soul good when she kisses ye oncet. Bob {aside). The old idiot! When Bob Pease lets a horse kiss him he'll be deafer than he is now, — and that's impossible. Kennison {aside) Gosh! hain't I a slick un tew incourage a bashful loveyer ? I've more'n got him a-comin'. Nell's sure on him naow. Bob {aside). I must ring off on the old duffer; his mare won't do for me. {Shouting.) Mr. Keene. Kennison. Yaas, Mister Beans. Bob {very loud). My name isn't Beans; it's Pease — [shout' zng) Pease — Bob Pease. Kennison. Wall, no marten What odds does it make whether I call ye Beans, Pease or Punkinseeds, long's it's suthin that grows ? Bob {very loud). I don't want Nellie. Kennison {staring, thunderstruck). Wh-wh-why? Bob {loud). Oh — her color's bad. Kennison. Her feller's mad .? She hain't got none — I mean, no other one. ^ Bob {shouting). Her color's bad. She's too red. Kennison. {eagerly). Her hair hain't red; it's auburn— ** Sweet Auburn, loveliest village of the plain," as the stoic says. Bob {ve?y loud). She isn't fast enough. Kennison {positively). By gum, Mister Keys, yeou jest giri her a free rein an' she will be. Bob {loud). She's too stuck on a bicycle. Kennison. Hay? Stuck on an isuckle? Bob {bellowing in desperatio7i). No, no, no ! A bicycle. Kennison. Oh, a bisuckle ! She hain't teched one sence that day I telled ye on, Mister Cheese. Bob {aside). How shall I shut old Hayseed off ? I know. {To Kennison very loud.) If we trade, you must turn Nellie over to- day. Kennison {with open mouth, atid bulging eyes). T-turn her over ? What for ? Bob {ve?y loud). I'm bound to know just what I'm getting. Kennison {aside). Gittin' ! Gosh all hemlock ! He's gittin' too almighty pertick'lar; that's what he's gittin'. I must consider that air condition a little, 'thout I mean ter skeer off the feller with the hoss-blanket trousarloons intirely. (T^ Bob.) 'Scuse me jest a few minutes ; I got some chores ter dew. I'll be right back. [EXIT C. D. Bob. I can't make anything out of this deaf old codger. Can it be he wants somebody else to get the little red mare and is tak- ing this cute way to scare me out } If Nellie is as speedy as they IQ The I/ittle Red Mare* 1 say, I must have her at 'most any price. I'll stay till old ICeene f comes back, anyway, and see what comes of it. {S//s.) ENTER M'CuLLis Pepperill, r. M'CuLLis. I believe my pwospective paw-in-law wanth to dwive me off to give thome other man a chanth. (Sees Bob.) Hullo ! Who'th the chap in the hall-papaw twoutherloonth } May be he"th the fellow. Bob {aside). What if this blooming swell is after the little mare, too ? If he is, I'll dope his mount and scoop the purse, or I'm no jockey. M'CULLIS. What might your name be, thir ? Bob {grumpily). It might be Dr. Mary Walker — but it isn't. M'CULLIS {inildly). No .^ Well, weally, I mithtwuthted it wath not by the wathar ecthenthive pattern of your, aw — garmenth. Bob {threate7iijigly, rising). Don't you say a word about my clothes or I'll put you out of the running. M'CULLIS. I don't need to — becauthe they are loud enough to thpeak for themthelveth, my fwiend. Bob {angrily). I'm not your friend, blast you ! I never saW you before. VlQ\}IAA% {gently). No? Well, I hope and pway you nevaw will again. Bob {savagely). Who are you, and what do you want here ? M'CULLIS. I'm Mithtaw M'Cullith Peppewill, and I want Nellie. Who are you and what do you want } Bob. I'm Mr. Bob Pease, and I want Nellie, too, and what's more. I'm going to have her. M'CULLIS {in consternation, aside). Jutht ath I thought ! I mutht dithcouwage him. (7t>BoB.) Mithtaw Keene thayth she hath wun away with thwee men alweady. Did you know that ? Bob {surprised, aside). Thunder! So she's a bolter. {To M'CULLIS.) No ; he merely told me she was mighty fast. M'CULLIS {surprised). Fatht .^ Why, he nevaw told me that. He did thay she would kick off the hatth of the hired men, though. Bob. Gee ! So she's a kicker, too ! That's worse then climb- ing up into a man's lap and trying to kiss him. M'CULLIS {throwing up /ia?ids, with eyes open and 7nouth bulg- ing). What ! Does my chawming Nellie do that } Bob. Sure ! The old man just told me that was nothing to some of her cute little tricks. What do you say to that, sir } M'CULLIS. Thay ? I thay that if Nellie twied to climb into your lap and couldn't do it, with all the laddawth on thothe twoutherth to help her, she mutht be thpavined worthe than Mithtaw Keene thaid she wath. Bob {amazed). Spavined .-* Did the old gent tell you Nellie was spavined ? The I^ittle Red Mare. 17 M'CULLIS. Yeth, thir; he did. He thaid she had thpavinth on both — both — {hesitates)— Bob {angrily). And the old swindler told me she was just as clean as a whistle. M.'C\Jl.l.\s {dt{?}ifounded). Cl-clean ? And ithn't she ? Bob. Not if Bob Pease is any judge. M'CULLis {aside, wringing hands). Oh, oh, oh! He thayth •my Nellie ith dirty. ( To BOB.) No mattaw. I shall take her in thpite of evewething. Bob {resolutely). No you won't, old hoss ! I'm going to take her myself, if she isn't worth a dollar. M'CULLis. Oh, give her up, my checkawed fwiend ! " With all her faulth I love her thtill." Bob {obstinately). I won't give her up. Old Keene said I might have her on my own terms, if I would only take her off his hands. M'CULLIS {clasping hajids entreatingly). Oh, Mithtaw Peathe ; do let me have her. If you don't, my heart will bweak. Bob. Let her break, then ; it isn't worth mending. M'CULLIS. I shall die if I do not get her ; I know I shall. Bob. Flop right down and go at it, then. Let's see how you do it. M'CULLIS {wringijig hands). Oh! oh! Thith Peathe ith hardaw than wockth. Bob {savagely). See here, Mr. M'Cullis Pepperill ! I'm going to have the little sorrel-top, if I have to knock her on the head as soon as I get her. M'CULLIS. Knock my Nellie on the head! Oh! oh! {Col- lapses and falls i7ito chair.) Bob {aside). Now's the time to scare him into fits. {Approach- ing M'CULLIS, still more savagely.) Look here, sir ! If you think you are going to get that little beast I want you to understand you've got Bob Pease to fight. M'CULLIS {aside, still more terrified). Fight him ? Fight all that thtomach ? How could anybody weach him thwough that thtateth-pwithon gwating he'th got .^ {Desperately^^ I'll do any- thing, wathaw than have my chawming Nellie knocked in her pwetty wed head. {Jumps tip and punches Bob in the stomach.) Bob {doubling up, reeling back and groaning as M'CULLIS hits him.) 0-00 — ooch ! {Aside, rubbing injury.) There is some fight in the little monkey, after all ; he came near busting my biler. I shall have to hedge. {To M'CULLIS.) Look here, sir ! Gentle- men don't fight with their fists. We must have everything all fair and square, so if I kill you they won't make me any trouble. M'CULLIS {horrified). K-k-killme.> Bob. Sure. I generally kill my man. Now will you fight an honorable duel with me, or not } M'Cullis {wringing hands, aside). Oh ! oh ! To think of being killed in a dooel with a pair of checkawed panth. {Desper* 2 18 The I^ittle Red Mare. ately.') No mattaw ; I'll do it. I'll do anything to keep my chawm- ing Nellie fwom being knocked on the head. Bob {aside). He don't wilt yet! (^To M'CULLIS.) What shall we fight with ? M'CULLIS. Wha-what ? Bob. You are the challenged party and it is for you to choose the weapons {fiercely^ only let them be something sure and deadly. M'CULLIS {timidly). I — if you pleathe, Mithtaw Peathe ; I — I think I'll choothe th-thquirt-gunth. Bob {savagely). No, sir; that don't go down. You must choose something bigger than that. M'CULLIS. Well, then, I — I'll choothe — I'll choothe thwashing- machineth. Bob {furiously). Death and destruction ! Are you trying to balk my vengeance, sir ? M'CULLIS {hastily). If — if thothe are not big enough I — I'll choothe locomotiveth. Bob {in a rage, flour ishi7ig fists). Are you trying to make a fool of me, sir ? M'CULLIS {hastily'). No, no ! I cawn't impwove on the work of Nachaw, thir. Bob {enraged). Perdition take you ! Mr. M'Cullis Pepperill. How are we to fight a duel with locomotives ? M'CULLIS {timidly). We — We'll thtand off half a mile apart and — and fwow *em at each other. Bob {disgusted). Oh, pshaw! Now look here. Just you leave this duel to me. M'Cullis {relieved). All wight. {Going R.) Bob. Here ! Where are you going ? M'Cullis. Going to leave the dooel to you, thir. Bob. Hold on ! How am I to fight with you if you are not here ? M'Cullis. I'll jutht go off thomewhere tho I won't bothaw you. If you want me when it'th all ovaw, jutht holler and I'll come back. {Going.) Bob {aside). He's scared so I'll have it all my own way. {To M'Cullis.) Come back here, sir ! M'Cullis {slowly coming C). Well I what ith it ? Bob. We'll arrange our duel this way : You see this ? {^Draws huge revoher.) M'Cullis {terrified). Ye-yeth, thir. Anybody could thee that, unleth he wath vewy neaw-sighted. Bob {going to rear, and taking down blunderbuss). And you see this blunderbuss ? {Returning C. with it.) M'Cullis. Ye-yeth, thir. Anybody could thee that thundaw- butht, unleth he wath thtone blind. Bob. Very well, then ; we'll fight with these weapons, and the Tlie I^ittle Red Mare. 19 one who lives to be victorious shall have Nellie. Do you agree to that? M'CULLIS {shaking with fear). Ye-ye-yeth, thir. {Aside.) How could I help myself ? Bob. All right. Which weapon will you choose? M'CULLIS. If — if you pleathe, thir, I — I think I'll take the thundawbutht. It lookth ath if I could kill you motht with it. Bob {aside). Good! I don't believe it has been loaded for a thousand years — and if it has he's too frightened to hit a barn from the outside. (To WCVhi^iS, givi^tg blunderbuss.) Take it, then. Look out it don't go off and kill you before you get the word. M'CULLIS {in extreine terror, holding it at arms length). O- o-oh, deaw ! To think of thith piethe of old iron fighting a dooel with M'Cullith Peppewill 1 Bob. Now go over to that side of the room and stand up against the wall. {Pointing L.) M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir. {Goes L., chatterifig with terror.) Bob. There! Turn round and face me. M'CULLIS {chattering). Ye-ye-yeth, thir. {Does so.) Bob. Now, I'll go over here and do the same. {Crosses v..) M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir. Bob {aside). I'll shoot to one side so as not to hit him, but he'll be so scared I can do anything with him after that. ( To M'CULLIS.) I'll count three, very slowly, and we'll fire at the third count. Do you understand ? M'CULLIS {chattering). Ye-ye-yeth. thir. Bob. All right, then. Aim ! {Covers M'CULLIS with re' volver.) M'CULLIS {ready to collapse 7vith terror and pointing blunder^ buss all over stage). Ye-ye-yeth, sir. Bob. Ready! {Counts slowly) One! two! three! {Weapons go off with terrific noise, just as) ENTER Kennison Keene, C. d., iit great haste, right betweeit them. Kennison {yells). Murder! {Tumbles headlong and drags table over on top of him.) Bob {horror-stricken). Heavens and earth ! We've killed some- body. M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir. Bob {angrily). Stop those fool answers and let's study out some way to get out of this scrape. (M'CULLIS still shakes with ter- ror). Stop, I say. Are you a blithering idiot ? M'CULLIS {chattering). Ye-ye-yeth, thir. Kennison {peeping outfrojn tmder table, aside). The mur- 20 ^lie lyittle Red Mare. dering robbers ; they think they've done for me. TheyVe come to steal the Httle red mare. Bob. Between us, we've laid out old Kennison Keene as stiff as a stake. You're to blame for it, confound you ! and you ought to be hung for it. M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir. Kennison {aside, peepmg). Why, it's them tew fellers that I Bob. Stop that infernal " Ye-ye-yeth-ing " and listen to me. Unless we can get away before the old man's body is discovered w'e're both in for imprisonment for life, if not for something worse. M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir, but — but what can w^e do ? Bob. The first thing is to get rid of the corpse. Where can we hide it ? M'CULLIS {lookifig around ivildly). I — I don't know. {Catches sight of coffee-pot.) Let's put it in the coffee-pot. Kennison {aside, delighted). Why, I can understand ev'ry word. I must hev ben a little hard o' hearin', but them guns hev busted suthin so I kin hear better than when I was a goslin*. Glory ! Bob {disgusted). In the coffee-pot! Can't you think of a better place than that .'' M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir. Bob. Where is it, then ? M'CULLIS {looks wildly around and catches sight of pepper^ box). I — in the peppaw-bokth. Bob {snorting). Huh! You're a sharp one. If you ever fall down it'll be the end of you ; you'll cut yourself all to pieces. M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir. Bob. We didn't mean to kill the old duffer, now did we ? M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir. Kennison {aside). They didn't mean ter kill me. Mebbe I ain't in so much danger, arter all. Bob. We were just fighting it out to see which should have Nellie ; that was all. M'CULLIS. Ye-ye-yeth, thir. Kennison {aside, delighted). I really can hear. Bob. We laid the old man out, though, and all we can do now is to hide his body and get. {Pulls table <7^ Kennison.) Grab him by the legs while I take the shoulders. We'll take him out and chuck him under something. M'CULLis {horrified). I — I don't dare touch him. Mithtaw Peathe. He — he might kick. Kennison {aside). You bet! Bob {with co7itempt). Kick! The idea of a dead man kick- ing! M'CuLLis. Ye-yeth— but thith one d-didn't die qa purpothe. The I^ittle Red Mare. 21 and — and I'd vvather be kicked by two live men than one dead one. Bob. Well, take his shoulders, then, and I'll take his legs. He's got to be carried off some way. M'CULLIS {approaching nervously). I— I thpothe tho — b-but look, out for hith feet. K EN N I SON {aside). You bet ! Bob (^/i;^:'//;/^ ^wr Kennison). He hasn't bled any. That's lucky. M'CULLIS {clasping hands). Oh! it'th dwcadful to cawwy one'th paw-in-law that wath to be awound like any othaw dead hog. Don't let hith fathe turn toward me or I shall dwop him. ( They pick hivi up and start R.) Bob. No wonder you don't want to catch a squint of that phiz ! It was enough to stop a freight-train when he was alive. Kennison {ans^rily). Was. hay ? {Kicks Bob in stomach.) Bob {grunting). O-oh ! {Drops Kennison's legs and goes (Tc'cr backiuard.) M'CULLTS {scared). Oh! oh! He'th bewitched! Thith dead man ith alive. {Drops Kennison 07i floor.) Kennison {groatiing). O — oh! Consarn yer picturs ! I'm kilt agin. Ye've broke my back acrost this 'tarnal coffee-pot. ( Throws it at M'CULLIS.) Bob {scramblijig to feci). Run, Pepperill ! I told you better than to try and hide him in that. ( They make a break for door, R. ) Kennison {snatching up Bob's revolver, scrambling to feet and covering them with it). Hold on, thar ! There'll be some more shewtin' in a minute ef ye don't come back and ixplain yer- selves. Hands up ! Bob {in 7nortal terror, coming back with hands up.) E-e-easy on her, Mr. Keene. She's got a hair trigger. M'CULLIS {turning luith hands up.) D-d-don't shoot, Mithtaw Keene. It'th vewy unpleathant to be shot — even by one'th paw- in-law that ith to be. Kennison. Thar! Stan' still in line, naow. {They line up with hands in air.) That's right. Naow what was ye a-fightin' over when I come in an' spilet the fun } MTuTTTS [ {in quick succession). Nellie! Kennison {surprised). Fightin' over Nellie ? Well, what ye arter in the fust place ? 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