016 103 684 5 Hollinger Corp. pH 8.5 AS ADVERTISED A Farce in One Act A^ By CLAUDE KINNICK With Acknowledgments to THE ATLANTIC MONTHLY Volume 126, Page 425 Copyright, 1921, by Claude Kinnick All rights reserved Both professional and amateur stage rights in this play are re- served; possession of the play does not carry with it the right of production. For rights and terms correspondence should be addressed to Claude Kinnick, Alliance, Ohio Attention is called to the penalties provided by law for any infringements of the author's rights, as follows: "Sec 4966.^— Any person publicly performing or representing any dramatic or musical composition for which copyright has been obtained, without the consent of the proprietor of said dramatic or musical composition, or his heirs and assigns, shall be liable for damages therefor, such damages in all cases to be assessed at such sum, not less than one hundred dollars for the first and fifty dol- lars for every subsequent performance, as to the court shall appear to be just. If the unlawful performance and representation be wilful and for profit, such person or persons shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction be imprisoned for a period not exceeding one year." U. S. Revised Statues, Titles 5o, Chap. 3. Published bv the Author OCLD 5 9;H0 TMP96-0065S -V-^ ( The Scene is the kitchen tind back porch <>f the Forbes residence. The •wall between tlie kitciien and tlie porch ex- tends from up stag'e to 3-4 the way down stage and is 3-5 of the distance from left. The back kitchen door i.s middle. Tlie fbior <>[ the kitchen is eight inches hig-her than that of the ix)rch. Klectiic rang-e down left; sink middle left; door to front ui) left; kitchen cabinet ami I'.igli stool left up; window and two chairs iniddle ui); teleidione (jn the wall down from back door; kitchen taijle middle down; garments and utensils on table, cabinet, and sink, Mrs. Forbes having' pi'epared to do some dyeing; a l)ox 'I's'l'xlVz', two tires with tvdjes, ;in extra tul)e. and othei- accessories and tools disposed al)oiit tlie p<»ich middle and down right; kitchen utensils hanging on porcli wall up; electric meter on porch wall down; entrance to porch from street right up. CHARACTERS Daniel Forbes, Professor of Greek, College Helen Forbes, his wife First Dye Woman Second Dye Woman Third Dye Woman First Tire Man Second Tire Man ]\Ieter Man Grocer Boy AS ADVERTISED (Curtain discovers FOliUKS \voi-]\ing \igorously and clumsily, trying- to take a tiie off the lim. HEIvEN is dis- posing' some g'arments al)out the room on the table and cabinet, placing water on to heat, singing- softly the while. She goes out on to uorch middle ui) and takes a large enameled pan from the wall.) FORBES — Just washing the dishes, honey? I'll throw all this up and come in and dry them. HELEN — Ten-thirty and breakfast dishes unwashed? No, Sir! They were washed long ago. FORBES — What's going on now? HELEN — Oh, I'm just going to dye some tihings. (Starting- to go into tlie Kitclien.) FORBES — W'liy don't you ha\e the dye house do the work? They will do it clieapli\- and quickl\,-, and (pajdon t'he inference) make tjhe garn-ients look like new. HELEN — Tliank you!!! You are very proud to have me do pastel work, play the piano, act tlie Iiostess, or read a paper before t|he Fortnightly Club, but wlien I once start to do the real work of a woi-i-ian, — to take care oi my own baliy, cook the meals, mend the clotihing, and everything, you wonder in your idyllic way what nurses and sihops and maids and laundries and everything are for. You have no idea how many leaks there might be in a professor's small salary. FORBES — i-'lease don't do it. Your 1 auds will ))e all red and black; and besides Wliere is last night's paper? If you will find it, I'll show you what's what. (HELEN goes out door up left and letiuns with the paper. ■Meanwliile FORBES struggles with his tire.) HELEN — Here it is, dear. FORBES— (Turning- pages of paper, nuittering-;) Excelsior Laundry and Dyeing Company— Excelsior — here it is! (Reads) DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR OLD CLOTHES WE CAN ]\L'\KE THEM LOOK Ln<:E NEW French Dry Cleaning — the most improved processes employed DYEING A SPECL^LTY LOOK AT OUR WINDOW WHEN PASSING Telephone 2247 We call for the goods We deliver the goods Now what do you say, Ootsie Wootsie? Just take down the receiver and say: DOUBLE TWO - FOUR - SEVEN. HELEN — Well, since at this moment you are practising so admirably what you preach, I yield. (He all the time is busying himself about his repairing. She calls): DOUBLE FOUR -TWO - SEVEN Hello call at 358 College Avenue for some garments to be cleaned and dyed — -pardon — what?— The Berkshire Swine Breeders' Association!! — (Hangs up. FORBES laughs) That oper- ator! Wanted the laundry and she ga\e me the Swine Breeders'! What was that number, Danny? FORBES — Why couldn't that stupid girl know you wanted DOUBLE TWO - FOUR - SEVEN when you said DOULE FOUR - TWO - SEVEN? HELEN— Oh, well— (At the telephone) DOUBLE TWO - FOUR - SEVEN — Who is t/his, pleasei? — Well, call at 358 College Avenue for some garments to be cleaned and dyed — yes — thank you — good-bye.« Now, my formidable logician, what about that repairing? (FORBES mashes his finger.) The garage is much better equipped for such work, and be- sides, I really believe that you don't know how to do it. FORBES — I have to learn. You give mighty poor encourage- ment. Gasoline up to thirty-four and a .'lalf, tires out of sight, re- pairing beyond all reasonable bounds — the automobile is already costing more than the baby! HELEN — Why, you horrid thing! (Takes the paper) Now look here: ENTERPRISE TIRE CO. Don't throw away your old tires We repair what you would think impossible RE-SOLING RE-LINING VULCANIZING Our non-skid re-sole makes your woirn out casing as good as new. 4000 more miles guaranteed Prices very lov Tihat's what elaborate machinery and skilled workmen mean LET OUR SERVICE SYSTEM BE YOUR SERVANT You can make much more money writing lor the magazine. Let n]C call up the garage. FORBES — I guess you're right, Helen. Anyhow, I might just as wellj give in first as last. (Getting up) I'll teleplhone them. (Goes to the telephone) — 4-5 — Hello — Is this Enterprise Tire Company? — This is Mr. Forbes, 358 College Avenue — Will you call for some tires and an extra tube — yes, to be repaired — any time — they're ready now — aU right • — good-bye. (FORBES return.s to the porch; exit HKLKN left; Ml!:TER MAN enter.s I'ig-ht ii]i; he is .Tbout 4 and iUy gioonied*) M. M. — Hello, Professor; Iiave you resigned and gone into the garodge business? You could begin to make some money, if you had. FORBES — Tihat's funny. My wife has just convinced me ihat I couldn't. (Still trying- to take the tire off the rim. METKR MAN read.s the meter, entering- record in his liook.) M. M. — Did you ever try our wonderful electric vulca,nizer, Prof? FORBES— No, Sir,, I haven't. There you want to mulcU me for more handsome dividends. Your new electric range already keeps tihat meter hot. I've just robbed you in favor of the dye house. It's betwixt and between which one of you would gather in the largest profits. You public utilities i>eople keep a poor salaried man between Scylla and C'harybdis all the time! M. M. — -Where's that? I've lived in this town for thirty-five years, and I never heard of tihem streets! (FORBES restrains laughter; noise of .uitoniolule stop- ing: in front.) FORBES — The town hasn't annexed them; 1\a\en't heen sur- veyed yet. (Exit METER MAN; FIR.ST DYE WOMAN enters; slie is middle-agred, tali, slender, and rather cada\'erous in appear- ance. FORBIC'S pounding' has prevented him liej.ring- her approach. She pauses, looks around, and stanils in uncer- tainty. FORBES becon.es aware of lier presence and gives a startled jump and an "Oli," 'then rises; she uflei-s apol- gies; he rises and ))ows profoundly.) FORBES — I beg your pardon, Madam I was unaware of your approach. F. D. W. — Tlie blame's all mine, Mister. Are you tiie people that telephoned about some clothes to be dyed? FORBES— Yes, Madam; I'll call Mrs. Forbes (At the door) Oh, Hel- (taut interrupts her name midway ))y overturning' a lialf- g'allon open can with a little oil in it; he sets aliout mopping' up the oil with rags.) HELEN— (Appearing' on the scene, much i^ei'lurlied; sho has nfit yet seen tlie F. D. W., who cannot conee;il liei- amused loidc.) Why, Danny! I no\'er heard you use such language before in my life! (Seeing the F. D. W., she is more aghast still, but quickly changes the subject) Oh! good morning! (Greetings mutual) Did you caljl for those garments to be dyed? F. D. W. — Yes,, Mrs. Forbes.. Are l.hey ready? I ha,ve lots of 'em to get^h&r up, so Fd like to g'et 'em right away. HELEN — Yes, they're all here in the kitchen. Come in. (They examine the garments on the table) Now, here is the baby's white wool cloak. H's a little soiled, and I think I'd prefer ihaving it dyed, say, a light blue than to attempt cleaning. Now, this cliiffon scaj-f (it is white) you can make pink, antl here's a crepe clc cliine waist I want colored mauve. The baby's iio'xl you can color to jiiatch tlie cloak and I siiall tlien line it with wliitc satin wlicn it comes back. Now, this silk-vehet opera cloak (it is light gray) can be cleaned perhaps; if you dtjn't think it would clean well, 3'ou ciu\ dye it American Beauty. F. D. W.— (Beginning' to roll up the garments on the table.) 6 It cnn't be done, Airs. Forbes. Your garments are not fit to dye! HELEN— (Witli liall-siii>i)re.'<.se(l Imt sparkling- laiighttir.) Why, Madam, I have never detected a one of them in an im- moral act in their young lives! F. D. W.— (Not .seeing- tlie point.) The infant's cloak has not enough wool; same with the hood; chilTon is too delicate; crepe do chine can't ne dyed; it rots; the opera cloak would become stiff. As for cleaning it, we could take no responsibility. It would probably shrink to under-size. HELEN — But why do ]> ou advertise that you dye? You exliibit things like these in your window. Why do you F. D. W. — We could take no responsibility. As for the scarf, it might possibly take a n tldish-l)rown, but we do not racoiTimend that. HELEN — But if I am willing to take the risk, how much must I pay for the experiment? F. D. Wj — Our terms are strictly ca,sh„ von know. It xvould probably not cost more thar. tliree (.lollars. HELEN — But t)lie scarf cost only $1.89 in the first place! (Impiessixe silence. FORBES. wIkj lias l)een in and out right still working- at tlie rim, now takes cognizance of the negotiations through tlie back dooi'.) Never mind; I'll take them son-ie where else, (as she g-athers them ii-i a Inindle and tlirows them in a large pan in the sink.) F. D. W. — -Tliat's perfectly all rig^ht. And I bid you good morning. (Kxit rig-ht up. FOKBES busies himself about the porcli. HRI^EN finds another dye adverti.senmts in tha paper.) HELEN— Here's another one, Danny. (Reads) WHITE & BLEW CLEANERS & DYERS (To FORBES.) Well! Talk about a predestined vocation! What's in a name! (Reading-.) BRING DOWN OLD H. C. L. LET US RENEW YOUR WORN GARMENTS Telephone 1324 We do the rest (Postman's whistle sminds off left.) The mail! (Exit left; soon I'sturns witli some advei'tising- eiroulars and "CLASSICAL PHILOLOGY;" nt .inck door.) Oh, Danny! Here's your article on "ENCLITICS IN THE ODYSSEY." FORBES — Is it? All riglit. Possildy tliat migiit repair one of these tires. (Readies for tlie masazine; looks throupii it; mean- while.) HELEN— 1-3-2-4 — Is this White & Blew — Will you call at 358 College Avenue for some work? — Professor Forbes — can you come soon? — All right. Thank you — Good-liye. (Replaces re- ceiver) Now we'll see what ihappens. (Exit left). (Enters FIRST TIRE MAN.) F. T. M.- — Good morning, Professor. (Greetings mutual) Head- ing over directions for vulcanizing? FORBES— (Absent nundedly.) No; was just looking over a discussion on (:>nclitics. F. T. AI. — I'll stake a montli's \vages the battery we handle beats that one all hollow. Of course, I don't know nuthin' abdUl the enclitex, but it stands to reason that it would h,i\r in.idc ;i reputation if it coulld make good. N'ou can try enclitex if \d; !)a(l blow-on t. Now, this lube (pointing to a casing) is not far gone, but it has a very weak nbice in it. There's another one; look them ( ver. F. T. M.— (With a few deft movements he leiiioves tlie tires from the rim that FOKBKS had been stiusgliny wilii: examines the two casings inside and out.) Well, l^rofessor, your tires aint no good. How many miles have you run "em? FORBES— Thirty-five hundred and thirty-eigiit hundred, re- spectively. F. T. M.^ — You've run tliis un too loose — rim-rut — have to be re-lined and re-soled both — cost as much as a now tire. Then that one has been run too tiglht. Had your blow-out with it, didn't you? FORBES — No, with the other one. F. T. M. — Well, it's been too tight. T|hey yit pow'rful tigh.t on a hot day, 'specially when you run last. — \ow, I tell you, — we've got some seconds in — • right ()ui here in my truck — just got 'em from the freig-ht house on my wa^ o\er liere. I'll, l)ring you in a couple, ajid you'll say in a ;i'f\- the\ 're the Ixsl liaryaiu you ever seen. (Kxit for tiies.) (HET.EN entei-s left and goes to rlie hack door.) HELEN — Wouldn't ihe take them, l)ann\? 1 didn't thinlc l.c would, just like the dye woman. FORBES — He's just gone to his l; nek to brin.!. in some new tires. HELEN — Well^ did you ever! An] paying for space in the papers to tell us tJiey can repair what we would think imi)ossil,le' (F. T. M. I'e-enters witli four new casings.) F. T. M.' — Now, iiere's wliat we call a secontl. Just as good as a first — same tread — same thickness of sole — just a few little imperfections in molding — the average man couUln't tell it from a hrst. Now tHiat casing will go for $2b. You can liave it for fz^. If 1 take it to tiie sf'ore, it'll be snappe()u will go right back and get another dozen of eggs; we need them for luncli. You'll have to pay for the eggs, doubtless, but it will teach you a Wesson. HELEN— (To inkldle of pni-c.li.) Why, look here! Of all things! Every last egg fell into this pan! It's clean; I had just wasthed and scalded it tlioroughly. (G. B. has been laying down his packages, and is about to depart) Hold on, young man! You won't have to pay for those eggs. We'll just have scrambled eggs for lunch. Have you eaten yet? (G. B. shakes his head) You stay right here and eat scraml)led eggs with us. Perhaps lifting jacks will take the hint and not get in people's way in the future. Professor Forbes will go see if the milk has come. (Exit FoliBKS left, meekness ])ersoMiHed. Helen during- this speech ha.s put a skillet on the electric range with lard in it. and then busies herself with other things in - getting the lunch re.idy. At the tel(;i>hone; looks in the directory.) Nine-oih-seven — Please call at 358 College Avenue for rome garments 1 want dyed — Professor Forl)es — yes — right away — very good — g'ood-bye. (FOKIilOS le-enters with milk bottle, which he sets on the cabinet. He tlien goes nit on i.orch. HI-^l.lOX continues preparations for lunch.) FORBES— (Picking up the vulcmizei- ,nnd stniiding- one f)f the cas- ings up.) Do you know how to work a x'ulcanizer like tliis, boy? G. B. — Yes. Sir; you i>ut tlic inner tube through there and ]iour in FOKBES — \o, I moan on t'his big tire; here's tlie place, (i'oints to blow-out.) G. B.— Oil iwh ha! ha! ha! ha! \\'h\-, I'roft-ssor, this is not made to vulcar.izo a casing. You can't fix lasings! You'll liaf to ha\-e the garodge do tbat. k'OKBKS — Do \i)u mean to say tliat this vulcanizer will not jialcli onlei tubes? G. B. — You don't call tliem outer tub(>s. Professor; you call these casings; that's tlie inner tulie. FOIH'.l^IS — Well, if there's an inner tube, there must be an outer tube. They are antitiietic terms. G. B.— Aunty what? U FORBES— Well I guess you haven't had that yet. G. B. — No, I guess not; I ain't had nothin' but mumps and chicken pox. FORBES — You're lucky, my boy. G. B. — No, Professor; you patqh the inner tube witli Ih^j vul- canizer, and you send the casings to tlie garodge. Now, let's get to work on this tube. HELEN— (At the back door.) Come to lunch, Danny, and you, too — what is your name? G. B. — They call me Fatty for short. (He is very lean an tall.) HELEN— Well, Fatty, you'll Hnd a basin in the sink if you want to wash your hands. (G. B. and l<"UKBii:.S wji.sli hands; towels on rod ,it liand. All sit at ta))le. Heads Ixnved a nionii-!iit in silence. Busi- ness of eating.) HELEN — Your article on enclitics will make lliem sit U|) au..l take notice, I dare say, Profeescjr Forbes. — Will vou liave iam, Fatty? G. B. — Yes, ma'm, if you please. FORBP2S — Oh, no, Helen, very simple — quite ordinary. ^- B. — I never heard of enclitex before. Is that a new spark plug, Professor? (Helen Hnds dirTlculty in keeiiing her lace straif^lit.) FORBES — No, Eatt\-, that's a sort of universal coupler. G. B.— Use 'em on tiliese four-wheel-d; i\-e trucks. 1 s'i)ecl. (Baby cries off left. Kxit HKI.K.X .uid returns witli a six-months baby. Takes its bottle out :jf the cabinet. Holds it on her lap at tlie table. The baby feeds from bottle, and HELKN resumes eating'. If the baby cries inucli, it can lie taken out at once.) G. B. — Why, Professor, I didn't know you had a baby! FORBES — There it is; doesn't it resemble me? G. B.^ — Well, no — not very much. (FORBES laughs; HELEN shows contusion.) How can you afford a baby and an automobile both. Professor? FORBES — 1 can't. Fatty! I bought the automobile with my eyes open; the baby was just forced on to me. 13 (G. B. laughs heai'tily. Business of eatins still.) G. B. — Wliat slitnv's tlic cullej4e got in l) on can sass the empire. I'm goiny to be ketuher \v1hen I yet in college; that gives a feller tiie chanct to talk a good 'eal. (Tliey jiri.se from the table. Kxit i;j';iJ':X lelt with the ljal).v. G. H. and FOKUKS go to the pureli.) G. B. — Holy Gee! W'hat ha\c I i)een at! The boss'll be readv to tlirow a lit. He'll think I've had fonr blow-onts. — Em certainly much obliged to \-ou I'er \er dinner, i^rofessor. Tell Mrs. Forbes "Thiink yon" I't-r nie. Mayl)e \"oli bhink I won't lial to Llri\e now. (K\it right up; then sound of auti nuiiliil^^ Imiii off left. FOKBK.S suive.vs the porch. .SECOXl) TIHIO M.\X enter.s right ui>.) FORBES — How do you do, Sir. Here they ;ire, all ready for yuu. S. T. M. — You wotddn't find it \-er\- easy to do your own re- pairing, I judge. FORBES — W^ell, I am somuwJial of ;'. no\ice, but 1 ha\e idways been able to learn anytliing I set out to do. S. T. M. — Yes, you coidil learn to do it, all right. But you see, a man's got to be hxed for it. You haf to ha\e a lot of tools and things to work with. 1-^or all the i-epairing you hiuc, it wouUln't pay you to in\-eisl in tools and machitiery to do that kind of 'vork. unless you owned a fleet of trucks or taxicabs. (THlltl) J)YK W'OMAX enter.s; she is a young woman of about ■-••"'i, ieasonal)ly pretty, and tiuitc business-like.) FORBES — Good afternoon (Pause.) T. 1). W. — Is this Professor Forbes? FORBES— Yes, Madam. 14 T. D. W. — Some one telephoned that you have some garments to 'he dyed. FORBES— Oh, yes; I'll call Mrs. Forbes. (At door up left) Oh, Helen! HELEN— Yes. (Off left.) FORBES— Woman here to get your clothes. (To T. D. W.) Just step in. (She does so . S. T. M. in the niu;. ntiiiie e.\ainiiies Ih.e tires and becomes impatient at the delay. ]<'(.)1\1->ES is in- terested in the ne8oLi wliat, latly, t!iere ain't a thing in your cuUection tliat's wortli coloring; but if you want me to tak'- llie haiby's cloak and hood and the scarf, at your risk, we'll do the best we can, — (FOKBES and HKl^lO.X exchange Knowing ;;nd amu.^eil looks while she says this .likI is intent.