;-. Vo^' ^»»; %/ v>^>:' V :t t • o. ' ^O <^v^. '^- -OK Z^^;-- Xo^^' »V^^': -.^/.>i^'.\, ''^:>. < > «^ ^v- "^-^ v^ o.A* G^ '^ *.T;T^ A <^ 'o.> .G^ t:5 .0' t » 0^ 4 A,'' ^^ '*r^ip<»' * THE WITMARK STAGE PUBLICATIONS v. ^ The Hired Girl's Novel and Original Playlet for Children or Grown-Ups IN ONE ACT BY CHARLES NOEL DOUGLAS PRICE 25 CENTS "^ /'■J M. WITMARK & SONS New York Chicago San Francisco London Paris Melbourne COMIC STORIES AND TALES EDITION DE LUXE. (Illustrated by Keller.) "CASEY AT THE BAT." The recitation made famous by that well-known comedian, DE WOLF HOPPER. No matter what role Mr. Hopper is playing or in what part of the country he is, his audience always calls for "CASEY." The universal demand for an edition exactly as re- cited by Mr. Hopper induced us to issue one that is absolutely correct. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "COURTING UNDER DIFFICULTIES." An Absurdity for Story Tellers. By Frank Dumont In relating this tale the entertainer shows how his old friend, who is the chief officer of a prominent organization, endeavors to "pop the question" to a buxom widow. He starts off all right, and is getting along famously when he suddenly becomes excited and incoherent, and before he or the fair damsel, at whose feet he is prostrated, realizes what's what, he finds himself alternating the lines of his proposal with the speech he prepared to deliver before his organization. The "confusion" that follows is most original in con- ception and cleverly worked out. The right novelty for a bright monologist. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "HOW I DIED AT SAN JUAN." An Eccentric Narrative. By Frank Dumont. An "absolutely different" monolog or story from everything else published. The entertainer wanders through a "dream" of the species '*pipe" and tells some of the most fantastical experiences and achievements imaginable. The surprise finish to this vivid descrip- tion cannot fail to create vociferous enthusiasm and laughter. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "THE CRUSHED ACTOR," YOU CAN'T KILL HIM. A Screamingly Funny Interlude Arranged by Frank Dumont. CAST. Mr. Golddust Gotrox. Lucy Gotrocks. Footlight Barnstormer, a reduced actor. Chrisfield Moke, a crab and fish vender. A most excellent comedy sketch for two comedians, one soubrette and one leading man. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. M. WITMARK & SONS 87 Witmark Bldg. New York POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. The Hired Girl's Dream Novel and Original Playlet for Children or Grown-Ups IN ONE ACT By CHARLES NOEL DOUGLAS Published By M. WITMARK & SONS NEW YORK CHICAGO SAN FRANCISCO LONDON PARIS MELBOURNE Copyright MCMXIII by M. WITMARK d: SONS International Copyright Secured SYNOPSIS Bridget, a hired girl given to dreaming and to the destruction of dishes, and disgusted with her posi- tion in hfe, shows her displeasure by abusing the furniture, pots, and pans, or any article intrusted to her care. One evening after the dishes are done, Bridget, unusually tired and disgruntled, falls asleep and dreams that the much-abused kettles and cans, etc., appear before her in a body to decide upon the vengeance they threaten shall overtake her. One of the greatest novelties known to the stage, this little playlet is brimming with interest. Duration of Play: Thirty or forty minutes. Time: Present. The scene is laid in a kitchen of the ordinary type. No attempt at scenery is necessary. A plain siieet stretched across stage or parlor will suffice. A large number of characters are introduced, so that a great many children or grown-ups can take part in the presentation of this piece. On the other hand, the piece can be given by a small cast, omitting the speeches allotted to some of the kitchen utensils and household furniture. Any one of average intelli- gence can adjust this, and the play will be in no wise injured by this pruning. Particularly where plays are presented by school children, a large number of characters are usually desired, and for this reason a great many characters have been introduced into "The Hired Girl's Dream.'' The policeman and Queen of Bad Dreams are the only characters that need to be costumed. Bridget can be played neatly or as a slattern, at the performer's discretion. 1^ §)CLD 34979 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM DIRECTIONS Those portraying kitchen utensils and furniture can wear a piece of cardboard suspended from the neck by tape or string. On each cardboard or sign, the character represented by the performer can be printed in bold black letters. A professional com- pany would be able, of course, to costume the char- acters of chair, piano, stove, etc. For home or school entertainment this would probably be impos- sible. Some of the performers may, however,_ be ingenious enough to manufacture articles of papier- mache, to represent the characters, and thus heighten the realistic effect of the production. It would be easy, for instance, to make a tea kettle that would fit on the performer's head, likewise a frying pan, mirror, knife and fork, potato masher, etc. These and all other articles could be made in miniature. This is left to the discretion of the per- formers. NOTE. — The acting rights of this playlet are ex- pressly reserved by the publishers, to whom theatri- cal managers and performers who wish to produce it should apply. Amateur representation may be made without such application and without charge. DIAGRAM OF STAGE,. O.R.C. CO. b.l-.C R.3.e J J J I R.C. C\ ^LXJ.r LX, AUDIENCE.. L. I. E. — Left first entrance. R. I. E. — Right first entrance. L. U. E. — Left upper entrance. C. — Centre of stage. R. C. — Right centre of stage. L. C. — ^Left centre of stage. C. D. — Centre door. D. R. C. —Door right centre. D. L. C— Door left centre. CHARACTERS Bridget .... A hired girl given to dream- ing, and to the destruction of dishes. In love with Mike. Bedelia .... a waitress, Bridget's rival for Mike's affections. Mrs. Slave Driver Bridget's mistress. All that her name implies. Nightmare Queen The evil sprite of Slumber- land. Officer Maloney. In love with Bridget. Divided between love and duty. Representatives of Parlor Clock Given to striking. Piano Upright and tony, but often unstrung. Mirror .... Given to reflection. Stove Sporty and fond of going out nights. Morris Chair . . A chair with a grievance, sat on as usual. Folding Bed . . The butt of lying people. Lamp Addicted to smoking. Picture .... That objects to being hung. Carpet .... Enslaved and trodden under- foot. Lounge .... Objects to set-tea. Representatives of Kitchen Kettle .... A vocal expert, given to sing- ing. Rolling Pin . . A high roller. Platter .... All broken up as usual. Kni-fe and Fork . On edge and desirous of cut- ting their friends. Frying Pan . . . With an objection to hot fat. Potato Masher . On the mash. Broom . . . . . Ready for a clean sweep. The Hired Girl's Dream At rise of curtain, Bridget is discovered in center of stage, with a rolling pin in her right hand, a plate in her left, and a dish towel thrown over her left arm. At the back of her is a kitchen table and chair. While Bridget is talking she can polish the plate with the towel, placing the rolling pin under her left arm while doing so, or on a chair. She can breathe on the plate as if trying to get an extra good polish, occasionally sneeze on it, and give it a rub on her hip. One's sense of comedy will suggest a great deal of funny business that can be produced with the aid of the rolling pin and platter during Bridget's somewhat lengthy speech. If Bridget is a talented actress her speech will not be too long. If this char- acter is represented by a person of mediocre ability, the speech can be cut to half its present length with- out injuring the performance. Bridget. A hired girl's life is a pretty tough lot. Standing all day o'er a range red hot. Broiling a steak or cooking a stew, With the temp-rature a hundred and two. Oh, this hustling pots, and juggling pans, Is tough on the Bridgets and Mary Anns. They say that we reign in a world serene, The uncrowned queens of the soup tureen. I'm Empress of frying pan, skillet, and pot. And a lot of other nonsensical rot, Alone in a world, that no one approaches, Realm of toil, and grease, and roaches. I did have a friend, he called me his pearl. But he threw me down for the upstairs girl. 'Tis a subject I prefer not to broach, As it tugs at my heart — oh, drat that roach ! (Hammers floor with rolling pin) THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 7 Honest, them things, they give me a fright — Thought he'd dodged me, but I soaked him, all right. {Picks roach off rolling pin; throws it on floor and stamps on it.) We've millions of these, and Missus, oh, my ! Kicks 'cause she finds them in soup and in pie. As if such trifles was cause for a kick. Honest, them Missuses make me sick. Her kicks I scorn, and say, as I face her, I'm not engaged as no cockroach chaser. The things they expects of a hired girl — say, Would turn your hair white in a single day. If a burglar's hid upstairs 'neath a bed, Bridget grabs him, and gets pumped full of lead. When folks come with bills, it's really a crime, It's "Missus is out," though she's in all the time. The bulldog bites me, and I drop like a log. Then they swear the bite has poisoned the dog. Here let me confess, and don't think me rude. There ain't an inch of me Fido ain't chewed. They're too mean to feed him, consequence he. When rav'nous and hungry, dines off of me. House full of comp'ny, I'm turned out of bed ; I sleep in the sink or the ice box instead. I've heard it remarked, at least so I think, 'Tain't healthy to sleep with your head in the sink. While there's so many roaches, this much is true. There ain't room in the sink for them and me, too. And, talking of food, the Missus is mean, One lamb chop does as a meal for sixteen. When dinner is o'er. Missus says — this is true — You can have Fido's bones when Fido is through. At polishing bones, say, Fido is deft; When Fido gets through,' there ain't very much left. It's toil, toil, toil, naught but slav'ry; oh, dear, For sixteen a month, and one day off a year. 8 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM When the china I've smashed, it is docked from my pay, There ain't much in wages a-coming my way. Folks think we've a snap ; but say, at a pinch, The hired girl's life, bet your life, ain't a cinch. (Yawns) I can feel that tired feeling begin to approach, I was born tired and sleepy — drat that roach ! (Makes swipe for roach with rolling pin, hitting the floor several times, and running hither and thither) Got him, you bet — my, but didn't he fly ; There's one roach, at least, they won't find in the pie. If Mickey, the cop, hadn't gone back on me, In a home of my own, perchance, I might be. (Cries and brushes tears into plate) Never thought that plate would catch tears of mine. (Rubs plate vigorously) Well, nothing like tears to make a plate shine. Roaches in millions round them could tear, Dishes stay dirty for aught that I'd care. Sleep day and night, that's all that I'd do. And work? (Yawns) well, Mickey, I'd leave that to you. (Sits down) And this joy might be mine, life one blissful whirl, But love's dream's been spoiled by the upstairs girl. Let me sleep and forget — sleep, I don^t dare; Whenever I sleep, I get the nightmare. Then furniture, dishes, and all come to haunt me, Parlor and kitchen rise up to taunt me. Meetings they hold and fiercely denounce me ; The rolling pin comes and starts in to trounce me. The worst part of all, the part I dislike. The upstairs girl walks off with my Mike. But sleep I must, kind Providence, pray, THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 9 Night mares and night horses, keep out of my way. (Falls fast asleep and snores, with rolling pin in one hand and plate in the other) (Enter Furniture and Kitchen Utensils.) (Performers representing furniture enter from right. Kitchen articles from left. All enter on tip- toe, and surround Bridget and shake fists at her. Parlor clock takes center to the right of Bridget.) Parlor Clock Friends of parlor and kitchen, I've just struck. Rolling Pin You're always striking. Parlor Clock That's just my luck. I only struck one, not much, you'll agree. Frying Pan Only struck one, glad that one wasn't me. Platter Into family matters I'd rather not delve. Glad I wasn't round when you struck twelve. Parlor Clock Good friends, this meeting to order I call. All The clock will preside by vote of us all. Parlor Clock Friends, I thank you for the honor conferred. You've made me chairman, and I give my word, To do my best in this hour bewitchin'. To uphold the dignity of parlor and kitchen. Morris Chair Dignity ! Kitchen ! what rot ! Frying Pan That's a snub ; If shy on dignity, we've got the grub. For style the parlor I know can't be beat. £0 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM Knife What good is style, when you've nothing to eat. Parlor Clock Order, dear friends, pray, let silence reign. Morris Chair Friends ! - . Parlor Clock Morris be silent. Morris Chair Sat on again. All Respect the chair's orders, or business you'll block. Morris Chair (pointing at clock)' Fudge ! he's not a chair, he's only a clock. Parlor Clock We've met here, dear friends, to-night to protest At the way that we're treated; I'm much dis- tressed At the villainous way the hired girl behaves. {Bridget snorts and squirms uneasily in her chair) She treats us as though we were nothing but slaves. All the year round I keep ticking away. No rest for me ; do you call that fair play ? Lounge Go on strike. Parlor Clock I do every hour, day and night. Morris Chair If I'd your hands, I'd put up a stiff fight. Parlor Clock Two hands I have, and they add to my charms, But what use are hands without any arms ? Lamp Quit working at once, the time business drop. Morris Chair When he gets wound up, he simply can't stop, THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM ii Parlor Clock Rolling Pin, please, strict order maintain. Rolling Pin Morris, I'll swat you. Morris Chair Sat on again. Parlor Clock But what breaks my heart and makes me aghast, The folks in the house declare that I'm fast. This fact to the world I proudly proclaim : My morals are perfect. All It's a shame, shame, shame. Parlor Clock To be accused thus, now, honest, I won't; The stove goes out nights, but believe me I don't. I stay on the mantelpiece, good as can be. Stove What's that, Mr. Clock, you said about me? Attacking my character. It's a disgrace. Retract, Mr. Clock, or I'll alter your face. {Puts up hands in fighting attitude) All Order, pray, order; such talk is a sin. Kettle Just like the Clock he's bound to chime in. If your feelings are hurt. Friend Stove, I rise, And here before all I apologize. Piano Cease this discussion, it makes me unstrung. Picture Friends, let's have peace. Morris Chair Its time you were hung. Picture Hung ! I'm hung all my life to a miserable wall. Morris Chair Well, keep hanging on, and mind you don't fall. 12 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM Parlor Clock (To Morris Chair) From these rude remarks I wish you'd refrain. Rolling Pin Morris, behave. Morris Chair Pshaw ! sat on again. Parlor Clock One grievance, and then, dear friends, I will quit ; Though I go day and night, I don't move a bit, I've hands and a face, but misery's dregs I've drained to the depths, because I've no legs. The meanest injustice that's under the sun, They give me no legs, yet insist that I run. The chairs, the lounge with exquisite gall. Have four legs apiece, and don't move at all. Excuse me, dear friends, while these tears I shed. (Weeps) Morris Chair Don't mind the clock, he's got wheels in his head. Frying Pan To insult the clock's a shame and disgrace. Morris Chair I tell you all straight I don't like the clock's face. All Shame, Morris Chair, your talk is too free. Morris Chair That's always the case, they all sit on me. Parlor Clock One second, dear friends, and then I'll be through I've a grievance that makes me so terribly blue. A rag, Bridget digs each morn from its place. And rubs that old rag all over my face, And every eighth day she gets an old key. And jabs that iron weapon clean into me. Right in my "innards" the mis'rable sinner Hurt — I should guess, I can't keep down my dinner. THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 13 All The practice is cruel, wicked, unlawful. Parlor Clock It gives me ''dyspepsee," too, something awful. The cause of my torture lies there a snoring. All Our troubles and woes idly ignoring. Parlor Clock Bridget let's censure by unanimous vote, The wickedest human on land or afloat. All (surround Bridget threateningly, shaking their fists at her) From the face of nature let Bridget be cleaned, Bridget the monster, the terror, the fiend. (Resume original positions) Parlor Clock The piano now will the meeting address. Piano I'm known to you all, dear friends, and I guess, Of the parlor I am the monarch and king. Morris Chair You're stuck on yourself, you noisy old thing. Piano To needless discussion, pray let's have a truce, Music, not noise, sir, is what I produce. I'm upright and tony, and give myself airs, Superior far, to mere tables and chairs. While kitchen utensils must toil all the day, And furniture likewise, I do naught but play. Table Play in the parlor at once should be barred, If he wants to play let him play in the yard. Folding Bed This play, play, play simply gives me a pain. Frying Pan Silence, there, folding bed. Folding Bed I'm shut up again. 14 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM Piano In my interior melody lingers Harmony springs from a lady's fair fingers. My action is perfect and so is my tone, My polish is French, I come from a zone. Or rather a realm, the royal realm of Art. Morris Chair (C ontemptuously) I saw that piano yanked out of a cart. And he's no cause to put on any airs. Took six men to boost the piano upstairs. And the way that he wobbled, 'twas last October, It didn't strike me as though he was sober. His royal realm of art I'll permit you to scan. Furniture wagon, and an instalment man. Art and polish, what presumption, what cheek. You can buy him for a dollar a week. And to prove his principles are not right He puts his old dark-keys above the white. Parlor Clock Order, order, from abuse please refrain, Rolling Pin Morris, be silent. Morris Chair Sat on again. Piano A few more remarks, and then I will close, I have my troubles, they're fierce goodness knows. Bridget, the hired girl, in manner unlawful. Hammers my keys, and sings simply awful. All rules of music religiously scorning. She plays : "St. Patrick's Day in the Morning," Uses both fists, she takes all the medals. Beats time too with both feet on the pedals. Bridget the hired girl's a fraud and a meddler, Morris Chair By the way she plays, I guess she's a peddler. Parlor Clock Let's all in chorus the hired girl denounce. THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 15 (All gather round Bridget threaten- ingly) Wretch ! Villain ! Monster ! Fiend ! you'll get the bounce. (Bridget groans and wiggles in chair) Parlor Clock On the mirror now for a speech I call. Mirror For your kindness, thanks, dear friends, one and all. Troubles I have beyond your conception, Studious I am and giv'n to reflection. IVe no legs or arms, locomotion's denied, And so to a shelf all my life I am tied. And what makes my life full of grim misery, Not a soul in the house but stares straight at me. Morris Chair What! stare at a homely old guy like you? Mirror Withhold your remarks, sir, until I am through. It upsets me quite to be stared at so, But what strikes me as the crudest blow," That hired girl, Bridget, each morning at six. Her wretched nose up against me sticks. I try hard to run and 'phone the police, But I'm helplessly nailed to that old mantel- piece, While Bridget before me squirms and grimaces, Making all sorts of hideous faces, "When it comes to beauty," she'll say joyfully, "There ain't no flies p'rambulating on me." Then off she trips with this sarcastic fling, "Oh, ain't the mirror a 'gilty' old thing." O'er her your hands in anathema stretch. All (Surround Bridget threateningly) Bridget, the villain, the monster, the wretch. i6 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM Morris Chair Bridget is right, and though blood may be spilt, I contend that the mirror shows plainly its gilt. Mirror This insult, sir, I just won't abide it. Morris Chair Your gilt all can see, and you cannot hide it. Lamp Good, Morris Chair, that's a capital joke. If no one objects, say, I'll take a smoke. Parlor Clock No smoking allowed, or there will be vi'lence. Lamp I won't smoke aloud, I'll just smoke in silence. Stove As a smoker, you're an inferior type. He smokes an old chimney, I smoke a pipe. Kettle This trivial jesting just makes me boil, The lamp is in league with the Standard Oil. Lamp Friends, I resent this most insolent fling. Morris Chair He's full of wicks, he's a wicked old thing. Lamp Well, I could throw light on the subject in hand. Rolling Pin Yes, Oil Trust light, we all understand. Parlor Clock Oh, come, Mr. Stove, now this riot is through ; We'd like to have some remarks, sfr, from you. Stove I won't say much, but bet every dollar, I'm red hot and mad right under the collar. I'm a hot proposition, real warm babee. Morris Chair That's why you go out at nights, too, maybe. I heard Bridget say that you sparked all the time. THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 17 Potato Masher Like me, he's a masher, I'll bet every dime. Stove For that rude remark you need a good thrashing. I'm constantly ashing, but never mashing. And if I did mash, well, just bet your gaiters, I wouldn't waste time a-mashing potaters. (All laugh) Potato Masher Missus oft raises me up in her hand. And then on the head of Bridget I land. On occasions like that by hook or by crook, I don't mash potatoes, I mash the cook. Parlor Clock Keep order. Rolling Pin, order restore. Proceed, Mr. Stove, interruptions ignore. Stove My grievance is this, on my system it jars, I have to smoke coal, while preferring cigars. And though doing my best (and this makes me tired), Every day of my life by Bridget I'm fired. I rise- in rebellion, my soul is aflame. Parlor Clock Let's all censure Bridget. All Shame, monster, shame. (Characters gather round Bridget, and raise hands in imprecation, and then resume positions as before) Morris Chair I move that the lounge doth now set-tea Lounge Don't work that old chestnut, sir, ofif on me. Set-tea : that remark stabs me like a knife, I've had to set-tea all the days of my life. This settee business fills me full of dread. Morris Chair If you won't set tea, set coffee instead. i8 THE HIRED GIRUS DREAM Parlor Clock The Lounge will favor us now with a speech. Lounge Now I don't want to scold, and I don't want to preach, But honest, my life is plumb full of woes. Listening to folks who come here to propose. And listen I must, for immediately The old folks retire, they all squat on me, And do their love making ; each word I can hear, And honest it makes my insides feel so queer. It's ''darling" and **dovey" and "sweet popsy woo," "Honey" and "precious," and " 'oo's baby is 'oo?" And Bridget, at intervals, sneaks in the cop, And down upon me those common folks flop, The way that they spoon is sickening to see. And Bridget she kisses him right before me. I cannot set tea or set coffee to-day, I'll just have to lounge in my usual way, And bid you to join me in this imprecation. All {approaching Bridget threateningly) Bridget, fiend, pest, disgrace to the nation. Parlor Clock I call on the carpet its sorrows to tell, Carpet Such sorrows as mine, naught but death can dis- - pel, The chair complains that it's sat on, but see. The folks in the house wipe their feet upon me. I'm trod on and helpless, nailed to the floor. But what makes me furious, what makes me sore, I'm thrifty and save all the dust that I can. But Bridget, the wretch, twice yearly will plan To steal my wealth, of my precious dust cheat me. Hangs me 'cross a line, to death almost beats me. Bridget's out for the dust. THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 19 Morris Chair And she gets it, all right. Carpet I'm beaten and robbed, in a terrible plight. Thus am I treated, one thought must console, I'm the one thing on earth that comes next to man's sole. Friends, join with me, and from earth let us thrust The hired girl who beats me, and steals all my dust. All (approaching Bridget threateningly) From the face of creation may Bridget be cleaned. Villain, wretch, monster, lobster, and fiend. Morris Chair Can I tell my woes, my troubles reveal? Parlor Clock 'Tis useless for you to make any appeal. You've arms and you've legs, you get pity from none ; If you don't like your job, just fight, sir, or run. Folding Bed, please, now from you let us hear. Folding Bed Pardon, while I from my eyes wipe a tear ; You will ask why these tears are running so free, 'Tis because the folks all lie about me, It gets on my nerves to have people lying On me day and night, now, honest, it's trying. And when I complain, to fill sorrow's cup. Contemptible Bridget, she shufs me right up. Her neck with a rope I'd just like to stretch. All {approaching Bridget threateningly) Bridget, villain, contemptible wretch. Parlor Clock Our friends of the kitchen will speechify next. Mr. Frying Pan, please. Frying Pan My, but I'm vexed ! 20 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM You talk of your troubles, you talk of your woes, But wait for a moment till mine I disclose. Bridget, the villain, she ought to be shot; She stands me all day on a range that's red hot, My shrill cries for mercy that wretched girl spurns, My poor skin she blisters with hideous burns, And just as I start in to call the police She fills me chock full of horrible grease. To have one's inside loaded up with hot fat — All 'Tis a monstrous outrage! Bridget! Fiend! Cat! {The last three words are spoken as characters surround Bridget) Platter I guess that I can address the meeting, My life is short and time is fleeting. I'm only a dish, a poor, humble platter. And into fragments I shortly shall scatter. Stove Don't let the dish talk, he's only a whiner. Morris Chair He's not a dish, he's a butt-in from China. * Platter Down on the floor the hired girl she sticks me, And then the house cat, she comes and licks me. Though smothered in grease and ill-smelling fat. The washing I get is all done by the cat. And after I'm licked, my brief life it ceases, I'm smashed by Bridget in ten million pieces. I call on you, friends, to once more imprecate. All (approaching Bridget threateningly) Bridget, the monster, the tyrant we hate. Kettle I guess that it's time that I did some shouting. My oratory's fine, 'cause I'm used to spouting; Boss of the kitchen by all I am deemed. Chock full of steam, that's why I'm esteemed. THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 21 And what makes me mad, what makes me boihng, After all day on the range I've been toiling, I start to sing, and sing fine, let me mention. But Bridget she pays not the slightest attention. And when I am singing like some candy kid, Bridget she butts in and knocks off my lid. That makes me mad, and my temper it spoils. Then over I boil. Morris Chair You're chock full of boils. Parlor Clock Friend Kettle, your woes set our hearts all aflame. All (surrounding Bridget threateningly) Bridget, the villain, shame on you, shame. Potato Masher May I say a word ? Parlor Clock 'Tater masher, stand clear. All We want no mashers, or dudes around here. Knife My indignation I'd like to uncork, I speak for myself and my wife, Mrs. Fork. I feel quite on edge, don't think me a butt-in, But my remarks will sharp be and cuttin' . When Bridget eats, in her mouth I am put. And every trip I go down quite a foot. Some day I'll be swallowed. Fork I'm grieved terriblee; Bridget, when eating, makes a toothpick of me. Our troubles and trials this heart of mine rends ; If things don't improve, we'll cut all our friends. Parlor Clock Bridget, your conduct deserves condemnation. You're a disgrace to the whole of creation. Broom In most houses I go, I'm cruelly abused ; 22 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM I'm rubbed on the floor, but here I'm not used. - I'm stood 'gainst the wall and feel rather lonely, In this house, at least, I'm for ornament only. So, Bridget, though others are dying to spank you. The broom in this house has reason to thank you. For lack of respect, pray, do not accuse me, You're too lazy, by far, too dirty to use me. {^Applause') All that you do is to snore and to whistle. Mend your ways or you'll bankrupt poor Mister Bissell. Lamp Friend Mr. Broom, say, your sarcasm's fine. Mine's light labor, too. Broom Shut up, you're a shine. Lamp On the subject before us, may I throw some light? Morris Chair If you throw things here, there'll soon be a fight. Parlor Clock Dear friends, this meeting will now soon adjourn. But first, ere it does, I would much like to learn What punishment we to the hired girl shall mete? All Place her 'neath a spell, then adjourn and retreat. Parlor Clock On the Queen of bad dreams I solemnly call. To place Bridget at once 'neath her terrible thrall. {Nightmare Queen enters right, she is dressed in the conventional costume of a witch, high conical hat, long black cloak; creepy music is played as she enters) Nightmare Queen Bridget, you hear this terrible sentence; Too late 'tis now, cruel wretch, for repentance. My sentence is this, and we'll carry it through, THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 23 May you be cut into bits and put in a stew ; May you sit on a hot range, unable to shriek ; Be fried to a cinder ten days every week. The biscuits you bake, you miserable elf, May you be compelled to eat them yourself. The dishes you've broken, their number increases. Barefooted may you have to walk on the pieces. No more will the clock strike the hours that are sped, 'Twill change things around and strike Bridget instead. Cross a line may you hang, you miserable cheat, you, And the rolling pin will chastise you and beat you. May each hair you've dropped in the soup, wretched sinner, Be served to you next Sunday for dinner. When you ride in the cars, may you ne'er get a seat ; May corns big as duck's eggs sprout on your feet. May you have ninety sweethearts (this ought to wilt you) And every sweetheart scorn you and jilt you. you. May you scrub kitchen floors ninety years without pay— The dust on the floors growing deeper each day. May each waist you buy split right up the back. Each time you sit down, may you sit on a tack. And, to make this curse especially strong, I hope that the tack may be ninety feet long. Wherever you go as summer approaches, May you be followed by millions of roaches. When salary day comes and payment is due, May there never be more than three cents for you. Every time that you try to lie down to sleep May worms, toads, and lizards all over you creep. May tarantulas sit on the lids of your eyes, 24 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM And fill your mouth full of spiders and flies. May elephants huge take a seat on your chest ; Night mares and night horses your slumbers mo- lest. May rattlesnakes make their nest in your ears, And prod your insides with long poisoned spears. But worst of all (at your heart this will strike), You shall watch Bedelia elope with your Mike. All Oh, that will be grand, let us see the fun, do. Nightmare Queen You can see them but they cannot see you. A wave of my wand, I bid them appear. Maloney, Bedelia. Ah, see, they are here. (Enter Mike Maloney and Bedelia, arm in arm left. Both deeply inter- ested in each other. They pause left of center) Mike Delia, darlint, you know that I love you, Into an auto I just want to shove you. And run you to church. I do, 'pon my life. Just yearn to make you my own darlint wife. Bedelia Mickey, my darlint, your words they just thrill me. If poor Bridget knew, I know she would kill me. Mike Don't speak to me please, of that ignorant cratur. Bedelia What! don't you love Bridget? Mike Begobs, no; I hate her. We flirted a bit at various stages. The poor foolish goat gave me half her wages. With money I got from the ignorant thing I bought you this elegant gold wedding ring. (Bridget screams, makes desperate ef- THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 25 fort to rise, and falls back in chair, snorting and groaning vigorously. Her eyes remain closed) Bedelia What's that I hear? Sure, somebody's screaming. Nightmare Queen 'Tis only the hired girl, Bridget, a-dreaming. Now for revenge, put the ring on her finger. {Points to Bedelia) Mike Darlint, my wife. Nightmare Queen Go, no more need you linger. {Waving wand) Vanish, friends, all, and I'll wake up this fidget. All {gradually backing off stage) Good-by and bad luck to you, Bridget, Bridget. {They scream the last two words, Bridget!) {Furniture exits right, kitchen uten- sils left, shaking fists. Nightmare Queen exits with furniture) {Bridget awakens gradually; writhes as though struggling to throw off the effects of her terrible dream. Blinks her eyes, and gasps for breath as though choking) Bridget I'm choking, choking, if I only could scream. Oh, that horrible, terrible, wicked old dream ! {Screams and drops plate and rolling pin; plate smashes. Mrs. Slave Driver, Bridget's mistress, enters left) Mrs. Slave Driver Bridget O'Hooligan, say, what does this mean? Why are you making this riotous scene ? Carrying on in this terrible way; That's the ninety-first platter you've smashed to- day ! 26 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM Bridget You stand there and ask me what does this mean, I've had the night horses ; oh, the things that I've seen ! Great big elephants sat right on my chest. And in each of my ears was a rattlesnake's nest. Then a wicked old witch, she cursed me, oh, my ! And pink-tailed monkeys ran spears in each eye. I had a rhinocerus jump on my back. And I sat all day on a ten-inch tack; And the clock and the furniture all went on a strike ; And Delia, the villain, eloped with my Mike. {Weeps) Mrs. Slave Driver Serves you jiist right, you should keep wide awake. Quit slothful dreaming, you deserve a good shake. Burglars have burgled the house while you slept ; The cat likewise to the icebox has crept. And has eaten the steak I ordered for dinner. You need a good thrashing {To audience) I'd just like to skin her. Of your mean, wretched ways I'm sick and I'm tired. Your trunk pack and go ; understand Miss, you're fired. Bridget Fired, oh, dear ! I'm clean hoodooed to-day. Mrs. Slave Driver Pack your trunk. Miss, at once; and here's your month's pay. {Hands Bridget money. Bridget stag- gers and gasps) Bridget What ! only ten cents ! Mrs. Slave Driver Yes, you ought to be thrashed. THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 2^ "Fifteen-ninety's" deducted for plates that you've smashed. Now, pack your trunk, quick, your engagement is through, I've had all the sauce that I want from you. (Exits left. Bridget sinks into chair by table) Bridget Honest, now honest, ain't that just a crime? Turned out in the world with only a dime (Cries) And then the mean thing says I ought to be thrashed. What's china for, if it ain't to be smashed ? Oh, Mickey ; what made you behave to me so? Heart-broken, penniless, nowhere to go. Oh, world, cruel world, my grief is intense; Turned out on the streets and with only ten cents. (Buries her head in hands and sobs loudly) (Enter Alike Maloney left. Goes to table center, and leans over Bridget; caresses her hair) Mike Bridget! Bridget (rising and indignantly pushing him from her) Cruel wretch, do not dare to come near. Mike Why, what is the matter, sweet Bridget, my dear? Tell me what ails you, is there no relief? Bridget Monster, don't come here to scoff at my grief. Begone, false deceiver, go home to your wife. Mike You're clean off your base, you are, 'pon my life. Bridget You married Bedelia, and think that is funny, 28 THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM And you bought the ring, you scamp, with my money, Mike Here's the ring, now, and this ring you must wxar it. (Producing ring) Bridget (astonished) You're really not married? Mike Honest, I swear it. Bridget But I saw you married. Mike You're crazy, you're dreaming. Bridget (after a pause, as though in deep thought) The truth on my mind now slowly is gleaming. But you flirted with Delia. Mike I like your gall. Cops never flirt, darlint; you're jealous, that's all. Now, pack up your trunk, the minister's waiting, And off to the church we'll quickly be skating. Bridget But the night mares and night horses? Mike Leave them to hub. If night mares chase you, they'll get soaked with a club. (Shakes club) Bridget Will you get a divorce if I smash dishes, Mike ? Mike I've bought dishes of iron, smash them if you like. Bridget If roaches appear, will you scold me and wail? Mike I'll arrest them, begobs, and put 'em in jail. Bridget But I've only ten cents. THE HIRED GIRL'S DREAM 29 Mike Don't mind that, honey ; I'm raised to a sergeant; I've lots of money. Bridget So the clouds have all vanished, smiles followed tears. {Clock, furniture, and kitchen utensils enter as before) Parlor Clock Bridget, we've come here to give you three cheers. The past we'll forget, forgiveness is holy; Accept the blessings of the furniture lowlv. All Three cheers for Bridget, we all wish her bliss. (All cheer) Mike Thanks to you all, I'll seal that with a kiss. (Kisses Bridget) Bridget Thanks, thanks to you all, my love you shall share. For good fortune has come from "Bridget's Nightmare." (Picture — Curtain) NEW MUSICAL NOVELTIES FOR QUARTETS, CLUBS, SINGING SOCIETIES, ETC. "THE TRUTH POTION." By Arthur A. Penn. Musical Sketch for Female Quartet. A unique and entirely original musical sketch for ladies' quartet. One of the principal characters is that of the mysterious old woman (contralto) bearing the Truth Potien which she urges those around her to drink. She tells them it is Truth taken from the bot- tom of the well. In ''The Truth Potion" there is more of real interest than is often found in longer and more elaborate dramas, and plenty of opportunity for real dramatic action and effects. Price, 75 cents, postpaid. "WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE LOW." By Arthur A. Penn. Musical Sketch for Mixed Quartet and One Baritone. The predominating theme in this sketch is love, which is cleverly carried through song, verse and prose. The subject is presented in a mock sentimental manner so as to be almost ludicrous, and never fails of producing laughter and applause from an audience. The songs are bright and pleasing, and, taken as a whole, "When the Lights Are Low" makes an interesting and suc- cessful entertainment. Price, 75 cents, postpaid. "BACHELORS AND BENEDICTS." By Arthur A. Penn. Musical Sketch for Male Quartet or Octet or for Glee Club. A laughable short sketch for men's quartet. The songs are convivially humorous and catchy, and breathe of jolly good fellowship. They add snap and merri- ment to the entertainment, while the play on words is excellent. This sketch can be undertaken and car- ried out very successfully, with little trouble, as there are no costumes or scenic effects required. Price, 75 cents, postpaid. M. WITMARK & SONS 87 Witmark Bldg. New York POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. NOVEL ENTERTAINMENTS AND SKETCHES "THE EARTH CHILD." By Jessie Gertrude Crista. . A Novel Pantomine Play for Children. The charm of the fairy tale, which held us its will- ing captives as children, is reproduced in the Earth Child. The principal character, Hilda, is willfully diso- bedient, and when overtaken by the Brownies, is res- cued from a deep sleep by the Fairies; and Golden Hair, reprimanding her for her disobedience, starts her on her homeward way. The situations are very pleasing and original, and it is a delightful entertain- ment that may be given very easily. Price, 25 cents, postpaid "CHATTERTON." A Dramatic Scene for 1 Male. This is the life story of Chatterton, the poet, who died about 1770. It is a very beautiful and pathetic story, full of dramatic possibilities. It is easily played, and can be enacted in evening clothes with almost as much success as in costume and with all the stage accessories. Entirely different in style and treatment from the ordi- nary "dramatic recitation," and may well be termed a classic. Price, 25 cents, postpaid "BARBARA'S DILEMMA." Comedy in one act for 1 Female and 1 Boy. (Can also be used as monologue without boy.) A pretty little story of the caprices of a coquette who has three beaux on a string, "and who, when she finally imagines she is going to lose all of them, makes her choice of the one she really loves the best and all ends happily. Full of dainty, delightful comedy touches, and a splendid opportunity for a comedienne. Price, 25 cents, postpaid "THE BIRTH OF OLD GLORY." A Betsy Ross Sewing Party. This original dramatic sketch represents the nativity of the "Stars and Stripes" in the eventful year of 1776. The characters are the Goddess of Liberty, Betsy Ross, Uncle Sam, Columbia, and the Thirteen Original States, all of whom meet to sew and dedicate the first flag of the nation. This pietty entertainment, with its patriotic symbolism and musical and decorative features, is very desirable for young people of both sexes. Price, 25 cents, postpaid M. WITMARK & SONS 87 Witmark Bldg. New York POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. NOV U ISIS MUSICAL PLAYS 'THE ANIMAL CONVENTION, OR THE BARNYARD PROTEST." A charming entertainment introducing as characters the Rooster, the Horse, the Hog, the Gander, the Duck, the Sheep, the Cow, the Cat, the Dog, the Monkey, and the Parrot. May be performed with or without costumes or scenery. Each performer can wear around the neck a piece of ribbon to which can be attached a large card bearing in bold print the name of the ani- mal represented; or the participants can wear appro- priate masks. The animals' laments are most amusing and will afford no end of entertainment to both audi- ence and performers. Written in verse, this delightful entertainment has proven to be very popular. It makes a valuable acquisition to an animal party. Price, 25 cents, postpaid "THE WEATHER MAN'S DREAM; OR THE MEETING OF THE WINDS." A Humorous Controversy. This is a very "breezy" entertainment for young folks, and contains a strong element of novelty. The weather man calls in the North, South, East and West winds, and each explains his aim and objects with great effect. They are all eventually routed, the Weather Man along with them, by Mr. Cyclone, who, as usual, has his own way. The action of the piece, which may be done with or without costumes, is greatly enhanced by the use of incidental music and wind-whistles, the latter being employed with astonishing effect. Price, 25 cents, postpaid "THE BARGAIN HUNTERS." By Arthur A. Penn. A Musical Satire published in operatic form, for 4 Males and 5 Females. Chorus ad libitum. The theme of this bright little operetta is the bar- gain hunting craze; and the scene is laid in the wait- ing room of a large department store. Here the dif- ferent characters meet and discuss the marvelous bar- gains they secured, and here also George Piper falls in love with his pretty cousin Peggy and wins her heart aad hand, and Major Button takes under his pro- tection for life, Miss Annie Oldthing, a bargain-hunt- ing spinster. The story is worked out with bright and witty dialogue, and the musical setting is pretty and melodious, but not difficult to sing. Price, 75 <^^i^^pq;st|^d. M. WITmWk"^§?)NS B7 Witmark Bldg. *^^ ^^ New York POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. HARRY NEWTON'S ONE-ACT COMEDY SKETCHES AND MONOLOGUES "DOWN IN PARADISE ALLEY." An East Side episode for i male and I female, by Harry L. Newton. Tells a delightful story of a young college grad- uate who has fallen in love with Jerry O'Connell, a little East Side street singer, living in Paradise AHey, New York. A charming little playlet in which comedy and pathos are beautifully blended. The specialties introduced throughout the playlet are at the option of the performers. Price, 25 Cents, Postpaid. "AN INVITATION TO THE BALL." A comedy sketch in i scene for i male and i female, by Harry L. Newton. Plenty of work and good comedy for Mose John- son, a colored servant, and Birdie Birdsell, the daughter of his master, who has made up her mind to attend a masque ball with Mose in attendance. Price, 25 Cents, Postpaid. "A ROSE OF MEXICO." A comedy-dramatic playlet of Mexican life, by Harry L. Newton. An original dramatic playlet for i male and i female, the scene of which is laid in Mexico. The story is of absorbing interest centered around Carmita, a Mexican girl, recently returned from school in the United States. Pedro, a Mex- ican youth, has turned bandit in her absence to se- cure money enough to ask her to marry him. He discovers that she loves one Frank Carter, a young engineer. He threatens Carter's life and at the same time admits that he has stolen the pay roH, which Carter may be accused of stealing. By stratagem she obtains his bowie knife and revolver and compels him to give up the stolen money, sav- ing her sweetheart's honor thereby. Price, 25 Cents, Postpaid. M. WITMARK & SONS 87 Witmark B^l^^S^^t New York POSITIVELY NO O'LAYS EXCHANGED. CHARLES DICKSON'S FAMOUS ONE-ACT PLAYS (ROYALTY PRODUCTIONS.) "THE SALT CELLAR" Adapted from the French by Henry Doblin. This delightful comedy of domestic life, originally played as a curtain raiser to **Incog" by Mr. Charles Dickson with Lillian Burkhart and Louis Mann. For years there has been a demand for this little play and we are sure the fact of its being released and published will be hailed with delight. While "The Salt Cellar" is remarkably amusing, its great popularity rests upon the fact that it is so abso- lutely human. In this respect it may be called a veri- table "chapter from real life." It is the story of a hysterical little bride and her new- ly wedded husband and their first dinner in the new home, to which they have invited their old uncle. They have agreed never to quarrel with each other and are in the very ecstacies of their honeymoon, when the bride accidentally upsets the salt cellar at the dinner table and the old superstition with reference to the salt cellar involves them in one of the fiercest of do- mestic quarrels, which finally terminates with the com- plete subjugation of the new husband. This play will live as long as human nature. Price, 25 cents, postpaid "THE THIRD CHAPTER" Adapted from the French by Charles Dickson. This is an adaption from the French, the leading parts of which have been played by every prominent actor and actress on the French, German and English stage for the past fifty years or more. It is the most perfect example, in form and construction, of the one- act comedy extant and may be designated a classic. There are other versions of this play in existence, but this is the version adapted by Mr. Dickson and played by him throughout America nearly one thousand times. It is the best acting version of the comedy now known in the English language, the result of the many times that Mr. Dickson has played it. Price, 25 cents, postpaid M. WITMARK & SONS 87 Witmark Bldg. New York POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. o V i?-'*. '- *Ao< • I "» -1 o 4 O rv '^0' <^9^ .' ^^ ^oK O. *.,-,•' .^0•' ^ '♦ oTo ''* .^"^ " <» ^ '^O . . 5 * A '>* <"D' 0> o * « _ '^ ^^0^ ^^ * o « o ^ ^^ O * » , 1 * .0 "V *" i' « •^. ^'% ^^1^^ ^^^%, V <^ 'o-.-.- G^ ^ -. ,. s^ ^ ^ V v^^ 1 Y//r - - ^ V » r '^ ^ <► 'o.;- G %:^:. ^y o^ *.^%^^;- ^0 ' "'^ v-^'^^^^^.^ <^^' <-, v^^^.:^ >A r\'^ ^.^^Cv^^.^^X"'.! A aV '7' ^ ^, 1.^ '''-%