| LIBRARY OF CONGRESS,] 
 
 j Shelf t //t-J- 
 
 i (JNiTED STATES OF AMERICA. 
 
JOUENA 
 
 OP THE 
 
 LIFE AND GOSPEL LABOURS 
 
 / 
 
 JOHN CONKAN, 
 
 OF MOYALLEN, IN IRELAND, WHO DIED IN THE 
 YEAR 1827. 
 
 Nab tot juiltefoefc from tfc* oriental JHSS. 
 
 W« 
 
 
 
 
 PHILADELPHIA: 
 HENRY LONGSTRETH, 
 
 No. 347 MARKET STREET. 
 1852. 
 

 LC Control Number 
 
 tmp96 029033 
 
PEEFACE, 
 
 In offering to the public the present small volume, it may 
 be well to state that it has been selected from the manu- 
 script journal of our dear friend John Conran, late of 
 Moyallen, in the county of Down, Ireland. Care has 
 been taken, in making these extracts, to preserve and 
 connect all the most valuable and instructive matter, 
 leaving out only such passages as did not appear desir- 
 able for publication, or whose scope was embraced in 
 other parts of the work. Some verbal alterations have 
 also been made to lessen the many repetitions, and a few 
 additions where a clearer elucidation of the sense of the 
 writer seemed required, which have in most cases been 
 placed within brackets ; the sole object of the Compiler 
 having been neither to add to, nor to diminish from, the 
 testimony which this faithful servant and labourer in the 
 gospel was concerned thus to leave on record, for the 
 magnifying of that Divine Grace which was not bestowed 
 on him in vain, and by which he was what he was. For 
 the above-mentioned omissions the editor finds a sanc- 
 tion in the following allusion to his journal, made by 
 John Conran near the close of his life : — " Upon having 
 these memoirs read tb me> I observe some matters which 
 
 (ui) 
 
IV PREFACE. 
 
 may appear, and did so to me, as scarcely proper to be 
 inserted in them — to the wise and prudent, among us 
 and others, they will appear to be foolishness ; but as I 
 sat this day in religious retirement, it was opened on my 
 mind that the new birth is brought forth like the natural 
 one in a state of infancy — in this state we think as a 
 child, and speak as a child, and use and practice childish 
 things ; but when we gain some further strength and ac- 
 quaintance with the Divine mind, we gradually see things 
 as they really are, and lay aside these childish things, 
 experiencing a growth in spiritual stature till we attain 
 that of a young man or woman in Christ. Some years 
 since also being retired into religious silence, at a time 
 of great discouragement from having heard that Isaac 
 Sharpies had destroyed his writings, the following 
 charge was clearly uttered within me, ' Gather up thy 
 fragments, let nothing be lost, for they will be looked for.' 
 Under these considerations, I feel easy to leave these 
 passages to the revision and discretion of solid Friends, 
 to retain or obliterate as they may think them likely to 
 be useful or otherwise. — John Conran, Moyallen, llth of 
 Fourth Month, 1827." 
 
 Should any in rising from the perusal of the succeed- 
 ing pages admit feelings of discouragement, from observ- 
 ing the deep probations through which our dear friend 
 had frequently to pass during the latter period of his 
 life, it is hoped that they will recollect that he was a 
 chosen instrument in the Divine Hand, and as suoh 
 
PREFACE. V 
 
 needed again and again to be dipped into Jordan for his 
 further purifying for the work whereunto he was called ; 
 and that as he was thus deeply baptized, so he was the more 
 enabled to live very near in spirit to the Source of all 
 good, and was often refreshed by Him who promised to 
 be " as the dew unto Israel," at times in a manner which 
 it would not be suitable, perhaps not possible, to convey 
 to others. So let none be dismayed, or cast away their 
 confidence ; rather let them continually remember that 
 " He is faithful who has promised," and that no more 
 will be required of the feeblest of His fold than he will 
 with the requirement give them strength either to endure 
 or to perform. 
 
 It is believed that to those yet remaining, who knew 
 and loved John Conran, these memorials of the Lord's 
 leadings and. tender dealings with him will be precious, 
 and will revive in their remembrance the line upon line 
 and precept upon precept which he was made an instru- 
 ment of conveying to them in the days of their youth, 
 when the visitation of Divine love was extended to them ; 
 may the recurrence thereof lead to the heart-felt inquiry, 
 how far the Heavenly calls have been answered, and their 
 day's work kept pace with their day ; and if a degree of 
 fear and doubt should clothe their minds on this scrutiny, 
 may there be an earnest applying for Holy help to make 
 straighter steps to their feet the remainder of their little 
 time, that so they may yet be enabled to glorify and 
 praise His name, whose mercy endureth for ever ! And 
 
VI PREFACE. 
 
 may those of the rising and succeeding generations, in 
 observing the unshaken faith, the simple obedience, the 
 confiding patience, and the deep humility which charac- 
 terized this faithful servant of his good Lord, be stimu- 
 lated to follow him as he endeavoured to follow Christ, 
 that so they also may be graciously permitted to lay 
 down their heads with peace and praise ! 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 John Conran — His Education — Early Life — Religious 
 Exercises — Convincement of the Truth — And leading 
 into the Testimonies thereof. 1 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 1773. His preparation for the Ministry — Travels as 
 guide to Esther Tuke — Also with Mary Robinson and 
 Barbara Drewry — His first appearance in the ministry 
 — Accompanies Christiana Hustler and Phebe Marshall. 31 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 1782. Attends the Yearly Meeting in London — Joins 
 Robert Valentine and John Hall in visiting Leinster 
 and Munster provinces — His Marriage — Visit to the 
 families of Ballyhagen and Ballinderry Meetings 65 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 1786. Religious services in Ulster Province — And in 
 Carlow Meeting — Death of his Daughter — Visits the 
 Meetings in Munster Province — Illness and Death of 
 
 his Wife—Returns into Munster 102 
 
 (vii) 
 
Vlll CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 PAQl 
 
 Attends sundry Meetings from 1808 to 1812 — Visits the 
 families in Waterford, Clonmel, and Cork — Various 
 Exercises and Services around Home 123 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 1815. Continuation of the Journal of his religious expe- 
 rience and services 149 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 1819. He becomes a Member of Lurgan Monthly Meet- 
 ing — Religious Exercises — Accompanies John Kirk- 
 ham and Visits the Families with him in Dublin — Con- 
 tinuation of his exercises and services 174 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 1824. Various Exercises and Openings in Scripture 
 Doctrine — Conclusion of his Journal — Testimony of 
 the Monthly Meeting of Lisburn concerning him 223 
 
THE 
 
 LIFE OF JOHN CONRAN, 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 JOHN CONRAN — HIS EDUCATION — EARLY LIFE — 
 RELIGIOUS EXERCISES — CONVINCEMENT OF THE 
 TRUTH — AND LEADING INTO THE TESTIMONIES 
 THEREOF. 
 
 I have had it on my mind, at sundry times for 
 years past, to leave some memorial of the tender 
 and merciful dealings of a gracious Creator with 
 me, unworthy as I feel of the least of them ; and I 
 trust and hope my endeavouring to do so at this 
 time proceeds more from a desire to give the praise 
 to whom it is due, than to exalt the creature, to 
 whom only belongs shame and confusion of face. 
 
 I am now, (1808), in the 69th year of my age, 
 and though the concerns of my past life may by 
 many be thought of little consequence to the pub- 
 lic, for whom they are not recorded, yet they may 
 prove of advantage to some who may be led to 
 
 ID 
 
Z THELIFEOF 
 
 travel in that path which the vulture's eye has not 
 seen. The keen discerning eye of human wisdom 
 hath not been able, in any age of the world, to dis- 
 close that mystery that was hid from the wise and 
 prudent, in all ages and generations ; but the 
 patriarchs, prophets, and apostles, being way-faring 
 men, of simple manners, and not acquainted with 
 that learning which the heathens took so much 
 pride in, walked in the living experience of the 
 ways and workings of the Divine grace in their own 
 hearts, following and obeying it, and were thereby 
 made partakers of that covenant of life, which 
 cometh only and alone through the spiritual appear- 
 ance of Jesus Christ within them. Such as these, 
 let their outward name to religion be what it may, 
 whilst they obeyed this heavenly light and were 
 followers of it, became children of it, and the works 
 they did in obedience to it were works of righteous- 
 ness, and were accepted at their hands. It was 
 after this manner, that many professing heathenism, 
 were not only a law to themselves, but their lives 
 and conversation made them as lights in the world ; 
 the full manifestation of the glorious gospel day, 
 being reserved for the coming and appearance of 
 our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which day 
 Abraham saw in the vision of life and was glad: in 
 the same life and light the prophets and holy men 
 of old, as they were inspired by the Holy Spirit, 
 
JOHN CONEAN. 3 
 
 foretold these glad tidings. This revelation, man 
 by his own wisdom, and aided by all the acquired 
 learning either of himself or others, was not able 
 to comprehend ; neither was this learning sufficient 
 for men in former ages, nor is it sufficient in this 
 age or generation, savingly to show to themselves or 
 to others, who Christ within, the hope of glory, is, 
 or to enable them to confess Him in life and con- 
 versation, governed by holy fear, that He is the 
 Christ, the Son of the living God — flesh andiblood 
 cannot reveal this now, no more than it could to 
 Peter, but our Father who is heaven. Believing in 
 this Scripture, Matt. xi. 27., that " no man (as man) 
 knoweth the Son, but the Father, nor the Father, 
 but the Son, and those only to whom the Son doth 
 reveal Him " — I make these few observations in the 
 forepart of this narrative, as my mode of living, 
 birth and parentage, was not corresponding with 
 my profession and faith at this day. And as my 
 change from the outward and visible signs, repre- 
 senting God's grace to man, to the inward and 
 spiritual grace typified by these shadows, was not 
 the result of my own wisdom or will, or that of 
 others, but arising from the secret manifestations of 
 His Divine grace in my heart, I feel desirous to 
 bear my testimony to this inward revelation of light 
 and truth, which I fully believe comes from Jesus 
 Christ, to redeem those who feel it and are obedient 
 
4 T HE LIFE OF 
 
 to it, from all unrighteousness and the world's lusts, 
 and to teach them to live soberly, righteously, [and 
 godly,] in this present world, Titus ii. 11, 12 ; and 
 that it not only teaches us, but also is sufficient to 
 help and deliver us in every needful time of trial, 
 which a belief in the outward ordinances, and the 
 observation of times and ceremonies, never did 
 accomplish for me, as may be seen hereafter in this 
 recital. 
 
 I was born in the city of Dublin, in the year 
 1739, my parents professing with the Church of 
 England, I was bred in that profession, and had 
 the advantage of a pretty liberal education under a 
 clergyman of that way. After I had acquired some 
 acquaintance with the classics, before I was twelve 
 years old, I was placed under the care of Abraham 
 Shackleton of Ballitore, where I acquired further 
 improvement in my former studies, as well as an 
 acquaintance with such learning as was necessary to 
 qualify me for business. I may not omit a circum- 
 stance which attended me there when about thirteen 
 years of age, being an instance of the merciful visi- 
 tation of Divine grace to us in early youth, appear- 
 ing as a spirit of judgment, and condemning those 
 things which His blessed Spirit holds a controversy 
 with. In company with some of my school-fellows, 
 I drank some sweet liquor, (Shrub) which overcame 
 me: after I was in bed some time, I felt close con- 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 5 
 
 victions take hold of me, which made me sorrowful, 
 — these gradually grew upon me, and were suc- 
 ceeded by great terrors of death, and future judg- 
 ment,which caused me to cry out for mercy, and that 
 I would never be guilty of the same again. My old 
 master came up to my bed-side, and stood abstracted 
 till this dispensation subsided, perhaps about fifteen 
 minutes. These impressions, though deep at the 
 time, were soon erased, and I thought very little 
 more about it, being taken up with amusements. 
 
 I was placed apprentice in Lisburn, in the county 
 of Antrim, to learn the linen-trade ; in that situa- 
 tion I had more liberty than hitherto I had expe- 
 rienced. My intimate acquaintance was with young 
 men about my age, and having a pretty good share 
 of money given to me by my relations, it led me 
 into amusements to which youth are incident. I 
 kept a horse, and was very fond of hunting; I 
 attended balls and assemblies, to which I was much 
 addicted, and this led to a desire after fine clothes, 
 which I indulged to an expensive degree ; I was 
 also fond of music, and had a strong propensity to 
 singing and whistling, which the love of music leads 
 to. I may say with Solomon, I gave my heart to 
 know pleasure in most shapes, which the sons of 
 men are given to — not as the wise man said, to 
 know what it was good for ; that knowledge was 
 reserved by the good Shepherd for a future day, 
 
6 THE LITE OF 
 
 ■when I was made to see in that light which is 
 superior to the written word, that these things lead 
 to the chambers of death ; for the lovers of pleasure 
 are not, nor can be. lovers of God. as there is no con- 
 cord between Christ and Belial. I continued pretty 
 much in these practices and habits till I was about 
 twenty-four years of age. when I felt my mind 
 oftentimes brought into serious reflections, and 
 that disposition gradually wore away which led me 
 into gay company, and at the same time out from 
 hearing the Divine voice, which is a still small voice 
 in the secret of my heart ; and to the surprise 
 of many, some of whom were otherwise valuable 
 members of the community, I left the assemblies 
 which were termed innocent amusements. I had 
 lodgings in town, and kept very much at home ; my 
 former companions used to come and tempt me to 
 go with them, but I refused with such a coun- 
 tenance bespeaking a degree of solidity as sur- 
 prised them, and I heard it was reported I was 
 taking leave of my senses, which occasioned others 
 to come and look at me to see if it were so. My 
 disposition for singing and whistling, which was a 
 favourite amusement, fell away, I could not tell 
 how, and I think I never resumed it ; and although 
 my education never led me to look inward for that 
 which is only to be found within, yet I was often 
 led into secret recollection and retirement in spirit, 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 7 
 
 which led me into a belief, and perhaps some sensible 
 experience, that what was to be known of God was 
 made manifest within. My secret breathings began 
 to be after God, these led me to the frequent atten- 
 dance of public worship, and I very rarely missed 
 receiving the bread and wine, except I apprehended 
 myself disqualified. The recommendation not to 
 approach the Lord's table, nor to receive the ele- 
 ments unworthily, lest I should eat and drink my 
 own damnation, had been a block at which I had 
 long stumbled ; but one day, on that occasion, I 
 thought I felt restrained from going out as usual 
 with those who did not communicate, so in much 
 fear I approached the table, and received the bread 
 and wine, which gave me great satisfaction that I 
 had now received this rite of my church, and I con- 
 tinued this practice for some years. I believe I was 
 permitted in this seeking state of mind, to try this 
 ceremony what it was good for, for I was an advo- 
 cate for the religion of my education, and I have 
 been told by a dignitary in it, that he was always 
 glad to see me in church, as my deportment there 
 was devout, and he was sorry to lose me. 
 
 I was intimately acquainted with sundry of the 
 people called Quakers, and had an esteem and 
 friendship for them ; but their pretensions to such 
 refinements in religion, their claim to inspiration, 
 and their silent meetings with the benefit said to 
 
8 THE LIFE OF 
 
 arise from them, I could not well relish, neither did 
 I at all believe it. I was of the judgment that the 
 New Testament contained all that was necessary for 
 man's salvation, but it used at times to stagger me, 
 how I should put to practice its precepts — in it was 
 the form, but where was the power to fulfil ? Often- 
 times I did groan for deliverance from the power of 
 sin and death, and like many of my then fellow-com- 
 municants, I believed there was no redemption from 
 it on this side of the grave ; this settled me down 
 in a degree of ease in the outside performances, 
 which like the law formerly did not make the comers 
 thereunto perfect ; yet to me, I believe, they were 
 made useful to bring me unto the better Covenant. 
 Whilst I was seeking after redemption from sin and 
 transgression, I left the town, and took a farm, where 
 I have now lived about forty-three years : I believe 
 this removal was in the ordering of best Wisdom, it 
 led me away in a great degree from my former 
 acquaintance and habits ; my spare time was taken 
 up with useful, and to me they were agreeable, 
 occupations, I farmed, and followed my linen busi- 
 ness. I attended the public worship rather more 
 constantly than before, though about three miles 
 distant, and thought nothing could shake my opi- 
 nions which were orthodox in relation to it ; I had 
 not any thoughts of making so important a revolu- 
 tion as to change or alter the religion of mv educa- 
 
JOHN CONRAN-, 9 
 
 tion — here I was at ease. But from my frequently 
 retiring into a secret communion in my own heart 
 and being still, I was gradually led to a close reliance 
 and dependence upon Divine instruction, not con- 
 sidering that any other body of Christians made 
 this profession more openly than I did. Divine 
 Mercy saw me at this time, as He saw Nathanael 
 formerly under the fig-tree, when no other saw him, 
 and suffered me to try my own strength, in endea- 
 vouring to establish my own righteousness ; that by 
 finding it unequal in the contest with the man of 
 sin, I might more readily submit, when the time 
 should more fully come to ask for and receive 
 strength from Him upon whom our help is laid. 
 
 I usually presented my petitions night and morn- 
 ing, that I might be preserved from temptations 
 and from sins, and very frequently read some por- 
 tions of Scripture before I went to bed. The week 
 before I received the elements I usually read the 
 service appointed thereto, and watched over my 
 words and temper, that I might receive this rite 
 with some degree of acceptance. But it was often 
 cause of surprise to me, that I felt no additional 
 strength to be derived from my pretty constant at- 
 tendance on public worship and the sacrament, so 
 called, having read and heard of the beneficial ef- 
 fects obtained from receiving the bread and wine ; for 
 on those occasions, (which were to me in good degree 
 
10 THE LIPE OP 
 
 solemn,) when I retired from what was called the 
 Lord's table, and humbly kneeling in the pew I re- 
 turned thanks to God, and prayed that it might be 
 blessed to my regeneration, my prayers even then 
 seemed to be dry and unproductive of the fruits I 
 was taught to expect from them. All this was per- 
 formed in my own strength — I said I would be wise, 
 but it was far from me — the hair that was by nature 
 black was not hereby made white, nor that which 
 was crooked made straight, and instead of the old 
 man being more crucified then than before, the ene- 
 mies of my own house kept possession; yet I may say 
 their goods were not in peace, I longed to get them 
 turned out, and to be set free from the law of sin and 
 death,under which I groaned and strove for the mas- 
 tery. I had a natural warmth in my disposition, 
 which I was very desirous to overcome as it unsettled 
 my mind from that state of quiet in which I found 
 rest ; but all the care I used was not sufficient at 
 times'to subdue it, and it was cause of great uneasi- 
 ness to me when it did get up : yet I was enabled 
 through Divine favour to keep up a fair outside ap- 
 pearance with men, was not guilty of immorality, 
 and was reckoned sober and religious,and upon these 
 grounds I held a pretty good opinion of my own at- 
 tainments. Here I was ready to settle down, and to 
 think I had reached the desired haven of rest ; but 
 this state, I believe, is one of the subtilties of our 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 11 
 
 grand adversary, and is a false rest, and not [that] 
 prepared for the people of Grod : out of this the ene- 
 my will not disturb us, he will allow us to remain 
 there all our lives, as I fear too many do — resting in 
 their own labours, their works will not follow them. 
 But my merciful Redeemer, who knew the integrity 
 of my heart, and saw that bread did not satisfy my 
 hungry soul, because I hungered and thirsted after 
 righteousness which these things did not produce, 
 was pleased to visit me again and again by the se- 
 cret touches of His Holy Spirit, gradually drawing 
 my attention thereunto season after season, making 
 me acquainted therewith as a light in my dark heart, 
 and as a reprover and swift witness against the ap- 
 pearances of evil, to which I gave heed, and rejoiced 
 in it, but must say I knew it not as I have since 
 known it ; I believed it was Divine, but my mind 
 being so limited by the prejudices of education in 
 favour of that profession of religion I was taught to 
 believe in, I did not look for, neither did I expect 
 to feel, in myself, the second appearance of our Lord 
 Jesus Christ without sin unto salvation. My views 
 and expectations were outward, my worship was 
 only in the outward court, which was trodden by 
 the Gentile spirit. I sought for Him without, 
 whom my soul secretly desired to find — a, Saviour 
 who was promised to save us from our sins, and not 
 in them. Sin had become so exceedingly sinful to 
 
12 THE LIFE OF 
 
 me, that my cry at times was, " a Redeemer, or I 
 perish ;" — but I found Him not — I was seeking the 
 living amongst the dead — the law formerly did not 
 make the comers thereunto perfect. He, whom I 
 was seeking, was risen, and the day was coming 
 upon me that these empty forms and shadows were 
 to flee away, and the Sun of Righteousness to arise 
 with healing in His wings, in order to bring forth 
 that life in me, which, being hid with Christ in God, 
 all my endeavours in my own strength, will, and 
 wisdom, proved ineffectual. And when the day of 
 the Lord's power came upon all those things I 
 thought so much of, as my attainments in a reli- 
 gious life and conversation, it burned as an oven, and 
 consumed everything of that nature, that the Lord 
 alone might rule and reign in my heart, whose right 
 it is. My righteousness appeared to be as filthy 
 rags, and was not sufficient to cover my nakedness ; 
 I could then say with holy Job, ' " Naked I came 
 into the world, and naked I shall go out," unless, 
 oh Lord, thou cover me with a new garment, the 
 fig-leaf covering does not hide me from thy judg- 
 ments,' which then began to be revealed in my soul. 
 I had been in the practice of going occasionally 
 to the meetings of Friends for years past, but as my 
 spirit became exercised after more durable riches 
 than I had already obtained, I attended them more 
 frequently, yet cannot say, I felt my self much bene- 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 13 
 
 fited thereby ; for, although I knew the people 
 called Quakers made profession of a more spiritual 
 religion than other people in this land, I was not 
 then capable of forming a just judgment of that 
 which I had only heard of by the hearing of the 
 outward ear ; my spiritual eye had not been then 
 anointed, by which only I could see the wonders of 
 the new creation of God, in, and through, His dear 
 Son, Christ Jesus. The time was not yet come that 
 the Lord would enter into His temple, and the 
 earth would be moved at His Divine presence, who 
 indeed is the Lord of the whole earth, and worthy, 
 worthy to be feared, honoured, and obeyed ! 
 
 Whilst I was in this seeking frame of mind, I 
 attended a Province Meeting held in Lurgan. In 
 the first sitting a Friend spoke upon this portion of 
 Scripture, " Behold, I stand at the door and knock : 
 if any man hear my voice and open the door, I 
 will come in to him, and will sup with him and he 
 with me." I did not find this testimony produced 
 any good effect in me, for I was built up in a good 
 opinion of the religious profession of my education, 
 and I did not see much in the lives and conversa- 
 tions of many amongst the Quakers, to induce me 
 to give them much preference to many amongst my 
 fellow-professors : moreover, I did not comprehend 
 the nature or use of silent meetings. There was a 
 Friend there from Pennsylvania, Robert Willis, I 
 
14 THE LIFE OF 
 
 think he was silent in that sitting. L : >n Friends 
 gathering in:o the Meeting for Discipline. I went 
 in, not knowing the impropriety of it ; and though 
 there were doorkeepers they let rne pass on as they 
 observed a solemnity in my countenance. In the 
 pause of silence Robert Willis spoke, what ir was I 
 could not tell, my mind being gathered into inward 
 silence ; but such a power broke in upon me that 
 I was greatly broken into tears, and my whole 
 body was shaken in an extraordinary manner, at- 
 tended by feeling the Divine Life to arise within 
 me ; and though it brought a spirit of judgment 
 with it, yet it left a healing virtue, so that I thought 
 then I would not be ashamed to confess to the Truth 
 in the public streets, let the shame be ever so great. 
 The cross then was nothing to me when compared 
 with the treasure which was hidden in my heart : I 
 was then determined to sell all, so that I could gain 
 this pearl I had been searching for so long in vain 
 among the rubbish. Oh ! I remember that day, 
 how I did rejoice ! a new song was put into my 
 mouth, even praises to my God ! 
 
 I do not expect any other but that this statement 
 will be called enthusiasm, or the effects of a disturbed 
 or warm imagination, by those who have never been 
 acquainted in themselves with the like happy and 
 blessed experience, which I call, as to myself, the 
 beginning's of the new creation of God in Christ 
 
JOHNCONRAK. 15 
 
 Jesus. The Gospel, in the days of the first messen- 
 gers, was termed by the worldly-wise and prudent, 
 foolishness — an eminent publisher of it was told too 
 much learning had made him mad ; their lives, in- 
 deed, were counted as madness, because the life they 
 then lived was in Christ Jesus, whilst the lives of 
 those who condemned them were after the flesh, 
 fulfilling the lusts thereof. At the same time I fear 
 there are many who make a profession with me of 
 those things, who are not able to comprehend them, 
 for we have not any thing that is good but what is 
 given to us of God ; and if we are not concerned to 
 ask wisdom from Him, we shall not receive it, for the 
 promise remains to be to those who ask: some 
 amongst us do ask, but they ask amiss, asking that 
 from the form which it cannot give. To these states 
 I shall not use any reasoning to strive to convince 
 them of their error, having the experience in my- 
 self, how hard, nay, I may say, how impossible it 
 would have been to have convinced me of these 
 truths before, till Divine Mercy was extended to me, 
 and by a simple operation comparable to the clay 
 and spittle to open my blind eyes, so as measurably 
 to enable me to see the light of His glorious coun- 
 tenance, and to confess Him before men. But I 
 write these things for the way-faring man and wo- 
 man who may be travelling Zionward, and can read 
 me in their own experience, to encourage them to 
 
16 THE LIFE OF 
 
 hold on their way, and to let no discouragements 
 they may meet with in their wilderness travel, 
 cause them to look back to Egypt, for it is only 
 those who hold out to the end that will be saved. 
 I was now very much reduced to silence, and my 
 spirit oft-times inward, waiting and looking after 
 Him whom my soul loved. I thought, having found 
 Him of whom Moses and the prophets did write — 
 whose blessed day Abraham saw in the vision of 
 life, and was glad, and whose blood of sprinkling 
 speaketh better things than that of Abel — that now 
 the Egyptian bondage of sin was at an end ; which 
 perhaps was the case with Israel formerly, when 
 Moses brought the message to them from the God 
 of their fathers, commanding Pharaoh to let Israel 
 go and worship their God. But spiritual Pharaoh 
 was not to be so easily prevailed against as I 
 thought. When he found I was for moving from 
 under his government, and making for the promised 
 land, submitting myself day after day to the guid- 
 ance of the cloud by day, and the bright flame by 
 night, I was closely pursued by him, his horsemen 
 and chariots, as if they were determined I should 
 not escape from them. The power that was per- 
 mitted to them to try me with was great, so much 
 so that I thought there was no power so great, not 
 having as yet experienced the coming of Him who 
 was stronger than they, clothed with the power of 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 17 
 
 His Father, to spoil [the strong man] of his goods, 
 turn them out and take possession for Himself. 
 This is the work of regeneration, so little known by 
 the worldly-minded professors — this is the gospel 
 of glad tidings, (the power of God,) preaching and 
 teaching liberty to the captive, and the opening of 
 the prison doors to them who had been bound by 
 the chains of darkness and of sin. This is not the 
 work of a day, or of a year — perhaps it maybe that 
 of the greatest part of our lives, to be going on 
 towards perfection, as the apostle Paul declared, 
 " Not that we are already perfect ;" though he had 
 been a preacher of the great and acceptable year of 
 the Lord in Arabia and the coasts and the nations 
 round about ; the command of our Lord and Master 
 must be remembered in every stage of our journey, 
 to " watch and pray." 
 
 Oh ! the terrors that surrounded me by day and 
 by night, lest the enemy should overpower me, and 
 bring me back to the house of bondage, having been 
 already made a partaker of a degree of the glorious 
 liberty of the sons of God. One temptation after 
 another was presented to me, some in the wisdom 
 and guile of the serpent, blasphemies in the roaring 
 of the lion were spiritually uttered in my hearing ; 
 but I found by experience my peace and safety was 
 in deep retirement of spirit and silence ; and though 
 the subtle adversary came only to kill and to de- 
 2 
 
18 THE LIFE OF 
 
 stroy, yet his waters turned God's mill, driving me 
 homeland to seek for help where help was laid, 
 and in due time I found to be there. Deep in- 
 deed were my conflicts, so that I was willing to 
 exchange conditions with the labouring poor, if I 
 might find peace with God and remission of past 
 sins. 
 
 In Eleventh Month, 1772, 1 attended the Half- 
 year's Meeting in Dublin : at this time I had not 
 made any alteration in my dress or appearance, it 
 was pretty much in the usual way of other people. 
 In one of the meetings for worship I felt my mind 
 drawn into deep silence — every outward considera- 
 tion seemed to be withdrawn, and a deep solemnity 
 was the covering of my spirit, which I very much 
 gave up to, having found my strength at times 
 renewed by it. In this season R. Willis stood up, 
 and what he delivered I believe I did not then 
 know, nor have I since, but I felt my lost state and 
 condition so set before me in the secret of my soul, 
 that with the anguish of it I cried for mercy ; for 
 I thought the pit was open and ready to receive 
 me, and all the horrors of it surrounded me. This 
 visitation of judgment, with the terrors attending 
 on it, brought me very deep and low in my mind, 
 and I found the [Divine] fear to operate as a foun- 
 tain of life, preserving me more from the snares of 
 sin and death than the many years of will- worship 
 
JOHN CONRAxN. 19 
 
 I had been in the practice of. I could now say, 
 from an awful experience, that my Redeemer lived, 
 was a God near at hand and not afar off, and that 
 He was of purer eyes than to behold sin of any 
 kind with any degree of approbation. I returned 
 home much humbled, was often in retired silence, 
 and diligently searched the scriptures to find some 
 relief to my troubled mind ; and I can bear my 
 testimony to them, that they are the scriptures of 
 the Spirit of Truth, given forth of old time by holy 
 men of old as they were inspired of the Holy 
 Ghost; the same Divine Spirit bearing witness to 
 them in my spirit, and opening to me counsel and 
 instruction, to my edification and comfort. 
 
 It was now that the Lord's judgments were 
 revealed in my earth, that I might thereby learn 
 righteousness, all my sins and my transgressions, 
 which were many, were set in order before me ; it 
 appeared that a book of remembrance had been 
 kept on high, and that nothing was forgotten. Oh ! 
 the terrors of those days, when the righteous Judge 
 of quick and dead sat in judgment in my soul, 
 arrayed in terrible majesty and power, not only to 
 search out the most hidden things, as if nothing 
 was to escape His all-seeing eye, but I was made 
 livingly sensible He had the power to cast into 
 hell. Day after day uttered speech, and night 
 after night declared knowledge, that there was no 
 
20 THE LIFE OF 
 
 repentance in the grave, the repentance and re- 
 mission must be done in these bodies ; for hours I 
 have been on my knees with uplifted hands, asking 
 for mercy, and sometimes apparently brought to 
 the brink of everlasting death before I could feel 
 remission of sin. My duty to my parents was 
 brought into inquisition, and I had to make a close 
 inquiry, in great fear, as they were both dead, and 
 no recompense in my power ; but I had the peace- 
 ful answer to make on the scrutiny, that I had not 
 ever wilfully disobliged or behaved undutifully to 
 them. Oh ! ye children, let me entreat it of you, 
 in the fear of the Lord, " obey your parents in the 
 Lord, for this is well-pleasing' ' in his holy sight; 
 and you who act in a light manner by your parents, 
 and trouble them by your disobedient conduct, I 
 am persuaded of it, you will have to answer for 
 it in this world, or in that which is to come. 
 
 Now, to speak on a subject that such numbers, 
 whom I prefer to myself in acquired knowledge and 
 natural understanding, place so great dependence 
 upon, is hard for me ; yet I cannot easily avoid re- 
 lating my experience of that formal profession I 
 made, when all my deeds of righteousness (so called) 
 and unrighteousness were brought before the great 
 tribunal that was now set up in my heart. I saw 
 that when the true church fled into the wilderness, 
 and the great red dragon cast out his floods of per- 
 
 
JOHNCONRAN. 21 
 
 secution after her, there was a place prepared for 
 her there for a time, times [and half a time ;] that 
 then the wisdom of men got into dominion, and sat 
 as antichrist in the temple of man's heart, where 
 Christ before had sat and ruled as the Head of His 
 church. Then they apostatized from the true faith, 
 which was his Divine gift to his church, and having 
 lost the light in the darkness of the human under- 
 standing, they set up a form of godliness, denying 
 the power that can only produce it ; and instead of 
 the true and living faith which was once delivered 
 to the saints, they established creeds and forms of 
 prayer, like the kerchiefs we read of that fitted 
 every stature, that suited every state and condi- 
 tion ; thereby turning the people from feeling their 
 own states and conditions as they were in the sight 
 of God, (who, perhaps, was at the same time judg- 
 ing them secretly) to trust to prayers and supplica- 
 tions made ready for them some hundred years 
 before they were born ; when the Divine Spirit, 
 who willeth not the death of him that dieth, was 
 ready to make intercession for them, not in a set 
 form of words aptly joined together, but in sighs 
 and groans which no other could utter for them. 
 
 And as to prayers in a set form being presented 
 at the Throne of Grace by unregenerate man, who 
 is in a state of moral turpitude — I am persuaded 
 they are an abomination to God, and will not meet 
 
22 THE LIFE OF 
 
 his acceptance. First make the tree good, and the 
 fruit will be good also ; but it is Christ alone, the 
 good Husbandman, that can make the tree good, 
 and then He will eat of the fruit. I was in the prac- 
 tice, night and morning, of saying prayers in the 
 form, in as humble a manner as I knew how. This 
 was borne with in the days of my ignorance ; but 
 when in the light, I saw how will-worship was not 
 acceptable in His holy sight, and had forsaken it, 
 this practice remained ; and one night, as I was on 
 my knees, I felt such a terror take hold of me, that 
 I quickly rose,* and never dare afterwards proceed 
 in the same formal manner of praying. When the 
 true church came out of the wilderness, which she 
 has done in these latter days, she came out leaning 
 on the breast of her Beloved — laying aside all useless 
 forms and ceremonies that do not profit the comers 
 thereunto, and solely depending upon the immediate 
 teachings of the Grace of God and the revelations 
 of His Holy Spirit ; thereby antichrist was dispos- 
 sessed of his rule and government in the church, and 
 Christ took to Himself his own power and authority 
 to rule and govern, who appoints His own servants, 
 qualifying them for the several uses and purposes 
 which He in His holy wisdom has allotted, sending 
 them forth, and telling them, " Freely ye have re- 
 ceived, freely give; " these seek no man's silver or 
 gold, or apparel, but serve their own necessities, 
 
J0HNC0NRAN. 23 
 
 and those of others, by the labour of their hands. 
 Although I had suffered deeply, as I thought, in the 
 hour of judgment and of burning, yet those things 
 "which I had suffered were only as a beginning of 
 sorrows ; the ground of the heart was not to be 
 lightly turned up, the gospel plough was to be in- 
 troduced, and the fallow ground broken up, and I 
 was to sow no more among thorns : the terrors of 
 God's judgments were often set before my mind, 
 and made such deep impressions as I believe will 
 never be erased. It is a truth past all contradiction 
 with me, that the Divine Spirit will not dwell in a 
 temple which He has not previously cleansed in a 
 great degree. I speak now to you, my beloved 
 brethren and sisters, who have in your own experi- 
 ence known your measure of the depths of Satan, 
 and have been brought out of Egypt with a high 
 hand and an outstretched arm, and have known 
 Christ's baptism to be with fire and the Holy 
 Ghost, and that it is the baptism which only and 
 alone affords the answer of a good conscience 
 towards God, and cleanses both flesh and spirit. 
 
 To relate much more of the inscrutable judgments 
 of God, which are past finding out but in the expe- 
 rience of them, may not be needful for me to do a,t 
 present. I may say that " day after day uttered 
 speech, and night after night declared knowledge" 
 — quietness succeeded these fearful voices uttered 
 
24 THE LIFE OF 
 
 from the mount, not through or by man, in it he 
 had no share or portion; remission of the past 
 seemed to [be spoken] in this quiet frame, and a 
 voice to say, " go and do so no more." I was now 
 brought into the school of Christ, in order to be 
 instructed by Him in the law that was to be the 
 government, through Him, of my future life ; the 
 old wine was poured out, the old heavens were 
 rolled up as a scroll, I willingly surrendered them 
 to the fire. I conferred no longer with flesh and 
 blood, but gave up to the heavenly vision, and bowed 
 down my ear to instruction, for He spoke now as 
 never man spake ; instead of whetting His glitter- 
 ing sword, and laying hold of judgment, He became 
 my shepherd, and drew me to follow Him in the 
 new way by the Shepherd's crook of His love, some- 
 times leading me into green pastures, refreshing my 
 poor disconsolate mind. Then it was I thought I 
 would joyfully run the way of His commandments 
 and never be weary : here I would gladly have ta- 
 bernacled, but I was to go down from the mount, 
 and pass through the winter season, and mourn 
 the absence of Him whom my soul was now taught 
 to love, for the savour of His ointment was delight- 
 ful unto me. 
 
 The same Divine principle [of light and life] 
 which led me out of the forms and ceremonies to 
 worship the Father in spirit and in truth, also led 
 
JOHNCONRAN. 25 
 
 me by its secret teachings into a straight and narrow 
 way, as to all superfluities in dress and address ; 
 and knowing in whom I had believed, the same hath 
 preserved me in it to this day, and I trust will do 
 so to the end, as there is no variableness with Him. 
 Simplicity of dress and address is becoming an 
 humble follower of a crucified Saviour, whose gar- 
 ment or vesture was so unlike the fashions of that 
 day, that they cast lots for it as a curiosity, for it 
 was without seam. There is a cross to many among 
 us in these things, as the practice of them declares 
 to the beholders whose disciples we profess to be ; 
 and although all power in heaven and earth is given 
 unto Him, yet, because the world in their foolish 
 vain hearts despise the wisdom of God in these 
 things, intended to crucify us to the spirit of the 
 world, and the pomps and vanities of it, they are 
 ashamed of the cross, and would rather enjoy the 
 pleasures of a sinful world, which are only for a 
 season, than to suffer affliction with the people of 
 God in the scoffings of the world. Although I 
 knew that [the Quakers] held these testimonies, 
 and that they were outward marks of union with 
 them, nevertheless I was desirous to know the 
 ground of them in myself, and not to take up any 
 thing in which such great salvation was concerned, 
 but from a clear conviction that it was from the 
 
26 THE LIFE OF 
 
 living foundation God hath laid in my heart, and 
 not man. 
 
 The practice and use of the plain langnage is 
 consonant with the rules of grammar and the lan- 
 guage of holy men of old, as the Scriptures bear 
 testimony ; yet I was desirous to prove all things, 
 to bring them to the standard of truth in my heart, 
 and if they stood the measure of that, to cleave to 
 them. I began to use this language sometimes, and 
 at other times not, when in my infancy : my near 
 kinsfolk, I heard, said I was beside myself, therefore 
 it was a cross to use it in their presence ; but deny- 
 ing the cross brought sorrow and weakness along 
 with it, and a fear, that if I went down the steps of 
 Jacob's ladder I should find it more difficult to re- 
 cover the ground I had lost than even to ascend to 
 another step. The prospect of the glorious crown 
 of righteousness that was set before me as attainable 
 through faithfulness, encouraged me to press for- 
 ward ; as I endeavoured to do so I grew stronger, 
 the yoke became easier, the burden light ; and when 
 through inadvertence an omission occurred, (for 
 afterwards I never dared wilfully to transgress,) I 
 always felt wounded in my spirit. 
 
 The change in my dress was a great cross, as I 
 w r as always given to fashionable dresses, and at this 
 time had sundry suits of apparel of this sort. I felt 
 a solemn covering to come over my spirit early 
 
JOHN CONKAN. 27 
 
 one morning, whilst in bed, which drew me into 
 deep silence and attention, when I felt it required 
 of me to conform to the simple appearance of 
 Christ's followers ; His garment was all of a piece, 
 so ought mine to be, of a piece with my speech, my 
 life and conversation. This felt to me a severe 
 stroke ; no shelter was now left for me, but I must 
 appear as a fool to the world, my speech and then 
 my garments would betray me that I had been with 
 Christ, and professed myself to be one of His dis- 
 ciples. I wept bitterly, and pleaded the cross it 
 would be to me before my friends and acquaintance, 
 with the loss it would be to me in my present clothes; 
 but all was silence to my complaints, and the leaven 
 worked in the lump till the whole man was leavened 
 into submission, and then I ran the way of His 
 commandments with joy and alacrity of heart, so 
 much so that I have heard in passing some people 
 say they would give their oath I was a Quaker. 
 Oh ! saith my spirit, that all the family were so 
 conspicuous, even in the outside, that they might 
 be known thereby whose they are ! 
 
 Another testimony we hold is, that we cannot 
 with a good conscience, contribute in any wise to 
 support the ministry of any church whatever, who 
 derive their maintenance from their service at the 
 altar : because we believe Christ is in this day the 
 head of the true church militant, that His promise 
 
28 THE LIFE OP 
 
 made to it before He ascended to his Father, " Lo, 
 I am with you always, even to the end of the 
 world," has been fulfilled, and, is in this very day 
 fulfilling, His Divine presence being felt where 
 two, three, or more of His living children are met 
 and assembled in His name. This being a truth 
 that we fully believe, we are feelingly made sensi- 
 ble that He, the head of this body, qualifies and 
 sends forth servants and handmaids, as of old, to 
 minister, preparing them for His work and service, 
 by various dispensations, baptisms and spiritual 
 washings, and hands to them the bread which He 
 has broken and blessed, and they have to hand it 
 to the multitude, without any addition of their 
 own. And these knowing in whom they have be- 
 lieved, will neither pay nor receive wages of any 
 man, as the price of their labour ; they are per- 
 suaded that He whom they serve is faithful and 
 true, and having received their ministry without 
 fee or reward, they freely give it, looking to Him 
 who sent them for their recompense, which is the 
 sheaf of peace in their bosom. I was willing to 
 bear my testimony on account of tithes, the cross 
 was freely submitted to : I had formerly made 
 agreement for my tithes at forty shillings per 
 annum, during the incumbency, the bargain was 
 not done away, and my hay being in cock, and a 
 large quantity within the power of a large river, 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 29 
 
 made me very uneasy, so that I wished the proc- 
 tor would take his demand ; there it lay, I believe, 
 two or three weeks, and I did not feel at liberty 
 to draw it till the bargain with the proctor was 
 vacated. He readily gave me my liberty, telling 
 me he expected nothing else from me, and he took 
 that season, I think, twelve or thirteen meadow 
 cocks for his forty shillings, which might be worth 
 upwards of ten pounds. 
 
 Upon reading this account, some unbelieving 
 person may query, how did I know but the subtle 
 adversary had put on the appearance of an angel 
 of light, and had deceived me ? I answer such an 
 one in the words of our blessed Lord, which are 
 the words of truth; He says, "My sheep know 
 my voice, and follow me, and the voice of a stran- 
 ger they will not follow ;" moreover we are desired 
 to follow after the things which make for peace, 
 and things whereby we may edify one another : 
 now I never found anything but peace as the con- 
 sequence of unswerving obedience in these parti- 
 culars. 
 
 I have now given a brief recital of the cause I 
 had to unite in religious fellowship with those with 
 whom I have since continued to walk, subject to 
 many scoffings and mockings from some of my 
 kindred, as well as from many others, and was 
 mercifully enabled not to turn my cheek from the 
 
30 THE LHE OF 
 
 smiter, but to bear them for His sake, who suffered 
 more and worse, from sinful and perverse men. 
 I rejoice and give thanks to my merciful Redeem- 
 er, that He has in mercy called me from the re- 
 ceipt of custom, and has given me a portion in 
 His service, and fellowship with His people ; and 
 I write these things hoping they may be blessed 
 to some wayfaring traveller in the same road, that 
 they may become as way-marks to them, and show 
 thereby that it is not an unbeaten path, but others 
 have travelled it before them, and found safety. 
 
JOHN CONRAK. 31 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 1773. HIS PREPARATION FOR THE MINISTRY — 
 TRAVELS AS GUIDE TO ESTHER TUKE — ALSO 
 WITH MARY ROBINSON AND BARBARA DREWRY 
 — HIS FIRST APPEARANCES IN THE MINISTRY — 
 ACCOMPANIES CHRISTIANA HUSTLER AND PHEBE 
 MARSHALL. 
 
 In some of those seasons of deep baptism before 
 related, it used to spread upon my mind that the 
 Lord had a service for me, to make use of me in 
 His church and family, which brought a great fear 
 over my mind lest Satan, (whose power in deceiv- 
 ing I was now measurably acquainted with) should 
 put on the appearance of an angel of light [and 
 deceive me], and so I should become a vessel 
 marred upon the wheel. The preparation of the 
 heart in man, and the answer of the tongue in 
 this arduous concern, must be of the Lord alone; 
 man must give up his wisdom, and his acquired 
 knowledge must be submitted to Divine direction, 
 and only such parts retained as Divine wisdom may 
 see meet to make use of, although it may make us 
 appear as, fools to those who before thought other- 
 
32 THE LIPE OF 
 
 wise of us. Yet this state is afforded us in mercy, 
 to humble us, that we may depend upon nothing 
 of our own, or of former knowledge of doctrines, 
 unless we feel them renewed in the life and Spirit ; 
 that thereby all our fresh springs in and to service, 
 may be in Him our Head and holy high-priest. What 
 humiliations are requisite to bring us to that stand- 
 ard which God is pleased to teach of His ways ! 
 And how unwilling are too many to come up to 
 this standard to be measured by it ! But when His 
 righteous judgments are in the earth, it is then, 
 and then only, we are willing to learn righteousness. 
 In this important engagement it may be said, He 
 leadeth Israel as a flock, and bringeth them often- 
 times into green pastures, and cause th them therein 
 to lie down as at noon. This indeed is a great 
 mystery which the worldly-minded professor know- 
 eth not, neither can, because it is only spiritually 
 discerned, and by them for whom it is prepared. 
 This was the case with the disciples formerly, when 
 it was said, " Unto you it is given to know the 
 mysteries of God's kingdom, but to the world in 
 parables.' ' The true ministers go forth without 
 script or purse, without depending on anything but 
 the call to present service ; they do not think 
 former experiences, nor yet the concurrence of their 
 brethren and sisters, (the laying on of the hands 
 of the alders,) a sufficient qualification to officiate 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 33 
 
 in the church ; but have to wait for the fresh anoint- 
 ing if it may be afforded, if not they are silent, 
 and wait on their Lord and Master girded, till He 
 is served. And so godly jealous are these bap- 
 tized servants of the honour of their Lord, that 
 they neither look for nor receive wages or hire 
 from any other hand but His ; they are willing 
 to spend their own, and be spent in health and 
 constitution, in His service, knowing that when 
 He comes His reward of peace is with Him. 
 
 After being near two years in this school of reli- 
 gious experience, in which I thought I had made 
 some proficiency, and feeling a degree of justifica- 
 tion to succeed the dispensation of condemnation, 
 which also had its glory, I thought the time was 
 near at hand that I should be called upon to invite 
 others to come and try for themselves how good 
 the Lord is to those that love and fear Him. In 
 meetings I used at times to feel the Word of Life 
 dwelling in my heart, and a flow of language living 
 there, as if addressed to sundry states present, but 
 dared not venture to utter it in words, and I do 
 not recollect I felt any discouragement for not 
 doing it. In managing my outward business, in 
 the garden and fields by myself, I sometimes have 
 felt a living language in my heart as if I were 
 addressing an assembly of people, and it used to 
 begin so imperceptibly to me, that it would be 
 
34 THE LIPE OF 
 
 moving some minutes before I would turn my at- 
 tention to it. and when I did, it increased so much 
 as to bubble up like a spring and break me into 
 tears, and left a sweet savour of peace and comfort 
 behind. These were I believe only the first-fruits 
 of the Spirit, and the ministration of preparation 
 for the important work of the ministry, and which 
 I fear some have mistaken for the work itself, and so 
 have been born before the time, and have not been 
 of that use and service to the church they were other- 
 wise designed for. The prophet Elijah (I believe) 
 was tried with somewhat of a similar dispensation 
 in the Mount, but was mercifully saved from going 
 forth, till he heard the "still small voice" distinctly 
 inquiring of him what he did there. With some 
 the fire is too hot, and they flinch from the hour 
 of His judgments before the vessel is fully burned ; 
 these cannot contain the new wine, become leaky, 
 and suffer it to run out and be spilt, to the injury 
 of the family, and their own great hurt. Such 
 should return again to the Potter's house, be put 
 upon the wheel and become as the passive clay, 
 "willing to be formed and fashioned into such vessels 
 as the great Potter may see meet and fitting for 
 His own use. These prospects to me of service 
 died away, though I received much encouragement 
 from some Friends with whom I travelled in their 
 service for Truth, as well as by letters from others, 
 
JOHN CON RAN. 35 
 
 but they never caused me to exercise a gift I had 
 not as yet received; I was exceedingly jealous over 
 myself, that I should not be a vessel marred on the 
 wheel, therefore covering my head with my mantle, 
 I waited for the still small voice, I believe full three 
 years after, but in the meantime was not left com- 
 fortless. The work of regeneration was going 
 forward, and living experiences often fell to my lot 
 in travelling, which was very frequent in this nation, 
 but I think I never once declared them publicly. 
 I kept carefully to meetings, save sickness prevent- 
 ing me, it was a duty impressed on my mind at 
 an early period, and I think I can say I never suf- 
 fered the cares of the world to stand in the way of 
 it ; and though I gave up many opportunities in 
 which others amassed large property, yet when at 
 liberty to make use of my time, I was diligent in 
 my business, procured a sufficiency for my family, 
 and was enabled to entertain strangers who came 
 to my house. 
 
 But when the time was approaching that I should 
 publicly tell to others what the Lord had done for 
 my soul, it was preceded by a long and dreary wil- 
 derness travel, no dew nor rain, so that I was made 
 willing in this encampment to submit to anything, 
 if the cloud might be removed from the tabernacle, 
 and the bright flame once more appear as the signal 
 to move on. Wonderful indeed are all the Lord's 
 
36 THE LIFE OF 
 
 ways, and past our finding out by even former 
 experiences, only by standing still to see the salva- 
 tion of God. In this depressed frame of mind I 
 went to a neighbouring meeting where there were 
 to be two women Friends from England. In the 
 afternoon meeting, I felt the burden of the Word 
 as a fire, and after resisting it a great part of the 
 meeting, I stood up with these words which our 
 blessed Lord used when he wept over Jerusalem, 
 "Oh! Jerusalem, Jerusalem,thouthat killest the pro- 
 phets," &c, and sat down in such peace as I think 
 I never felt before, which continued the rest of the 
 evening, under a solemn covering. I accompanied 
 the said Friends in their journey northward, and 
 did not speak again in public for some weeks, till 
 we came to Ballymurry, where my mouth was again 
 opened in a short testimony, and in so great weak- 
 ness that I often thought there was scarcely ever 
 a child born in so weak a condition ; I was so long 
 in finding my feet to be able to go alone, that for 
 years after when I had a concern to go abroad, I 
 attached myself to some traveller, for I thought 
 myself pretty secure under their wing. In this 
 weak state I was mercifully dealt with, for what 
 was given me to say would be repeated in my heart 
 very many times before I could stand up to deliver 
 it, and the Friends with whom I travelled were 
 made easy with my company, so as to admit me 
 
J0HNC0NRAN. 37 
 
 willingly. I can say I had a merciful and good 
 Master to serve, who condescended oftentimes to 
 the low estate of His servant, and bore with my 
 many infirmities. 
 
 I was received a member of Lisburn Monthly 
 Meeting in the year 1773, from that to the year 
 1775, my mind was under deep exercise, and various 
 probations, learning the law written on my heart. 
 
 [In the year 1774, he accompanied Esther Tuke, 
 of York, then on religious service in Ireland, to 
 some meetings, to good satisfaction, who soon after 
 her return home, thus writes to him.] 
 
 From Esther Tuke to John Conran. 
 Esteemed Friend, 
 
 It will, perhaps, not be unacceptable to be in- 
 formed of my safe return to my own habitation, 
 little more than a week ago, rest seems pleasant 
 after the constant fatigue of travelling, and close 
 exercise to both body and mind ; but though tra- 
 velling is attended with many difficulties to me, yet 
 in remembrance of the help that was afforded, and 
 the many preservations I witnessed in this long 
 journey, I can say hard things were made easy, and 
 bitter cups sweetened, and many favours bestowed 
 beyond my deserts by a bountiful Giver, who is 
 worthy to be obeyed in the smallest and greatest 
 of His requirings. 
 
38 THE LIFE OF 
 
 I have often remembered thee since we parted, 
 with strong desires that stability and faithfulness 
 may be the girdle of thy loins, pure wisdom thy 
 guide in the path I trust thy feet have been turned 
 into, which leads through the wilderness and Jordan 
 to a settlement in the land of promise, which I doubt 
 not thou hast at times had a sight of. Various, 
 according to our different dispositions, are the dis- 
 pensations, Infinite Wisdom sees necessary for us 
 to pass through in this journey from Egypt to Ca- 
 naan, but all for this great end, to reduce self, and 
 thoroughly purify from all uncleanness, both of flesh 
 and spirit, subdue the evil, make all things new and 
 all things of Him : great is the work, and many 
 have known it right begun, have entered into the 
 way, and run well for a time, but one thing or an- 
 other has hindered. Some have been like the young 
 man who came to inquire what further good thing 
 he should do, and turned away sorrowful at the 
 information, "Sell air' — here is indeed the trial, 
 all that treasure we have got, be it our own wisdom, 
 righteousness, or whatever else, it must be parted 
 with, and the innocent, sweet, simple, child-like state 
 experienced which desires the sincere milk of the 
 word, that their growth may be thereby. May thy 
 growth be this way, from a child's state, to man's, 
 &c, then will the great end of the Lord in so signally 
 calling thee be answered, to His glory and thine 
 
J0HNC0NRAN. 39 
 
 own everlasting peace ; for then willthoube formed 
 for Himself, and will show forth His praise. But 
 beware of notions, dear friend, and feeding on the 
 tree of knowledge, it remains to be forbidden fruit 
 which a cunning subtle adversary presents ; the 
 Lord's servants are the poor in spirit, the meek, 
 whose joy is increased in Him, who have no might 
 of their own, have nothing, and can do nothing, but 
 as fresh strength from Him is administered. 
 Thy sincere friend, 
 
 Esther Tuke. 
 
 Two women friends, Mary Robinson and Barbara 
 Drewry, came here in the course of their religious 
 service, and feeling my mind drawn to accompany 
 them to several meetings in this province [Ulster,] 
 I did so ; and went with them to Dublin, and from 
 thence through the two provinces of Leinster and 
 Munster, of which journey the following are some 
 extracts : — 
 
 1775 — Sixth Month 12th. — I went to meeting 
 at Hillsborough, with my dear friends, B. D. and 
 M. R., and unexpectedly during the ministry of 
 B. D., apprehended myself called upon to proceed 
 with them, which I did to Stramore, Moyallen, 
 Lurgan, &c. [After speaking of a fear possessing his 
 mind lest by engaging in this journey he should be 
 running in his own strength, and incurring the cen- 
 
40 THE LIFE OF 
 
 sure of some of his friends, he relates that on the 
 road these cloudy feelings seemed to be dispelled, 
 and peace restored to his mind, and says] I hope I 
 am thankful that I was preserved, willing to give up 
 to the Master's requirings, though I left my busi- 
 ness and family unprepared for such a journey, but 
 I was preserved pretty much in resignation. 
 
 20t7i. — Whilst in Newry I met with some people 
 of business, with whom I had some conversation, 
 which I thought left me weaker ; upon leaving the 
 town I felt a [temptation] in myself almost to deny 
 my profession, and was quite ashamed of the com- 
 pany , plainness, and simplicity of myself and friends, 
 which I told them of ; and a lesson may be read in 
 this to myself and others, how they or I hold too 
 close a conversation with the world, or the things 
 thereof, which weaken the hands of the sons of 
 Zion. We went forward in our journey, and were 
 at times favoured with a sweet and open conversa- 
 tion, and permitted that freedom in it as to relate 
 many things that I believe were advantageous to 
 each other. I thought I found my dear friend, 
 B. Drewry, often had a polishing effect upon me, 
 and her remarks on and corrections of my weak- 
 ness and faults, were wonderfully refreshing and 
 comforting, which made me not repine at my 
 journey, which was a truly satisfactory one to me. 
 
 In our way from Ross to Clonmell, we were accom- 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 41 
 
 panied by divers Friends, some of whom seemed, I 
 thought like the bullock unused to the yoke ; their 
 behaviour, though innocent, indicated such confu- 
 sion and want of regularity, that it gave me much 
 pain and disquiet, and though I used some care to 
 keep still at times, yet the contagion was catching. 
 On this and other occasions I have found myself 
 very much weakened by being in mixed companies, 
 especially those who have felt or known little of dis- 
 cipline in themselves ; for I am ready to conceive, as 
 it regards myself, that the conversation of such 
 fastens upon me, and by giving way to it, by degrees, 
 and that almost insensibly, I become in measure 
 leavened into a like spirit, which is a cause of pain 
 and disquiet to my mind — to feel disorder instead 
 of stillness, which I esteem one of the safest habi- 
 tations to dwell in. I hope this observation may be 
 of use to me, and the effect produced a merciful 
 warning to abstain from mixed companies, and from 
 those whose minds have never been regulated, and 
 brought into some degree of order, as my strength 
 in measure consists (when in company) in remem- 
 bering in whose presence I am, and carefully to 
 watch my lips, that my conversation may be known 
 to be permitted to me, and to attend to the pointings 
 in my mind for that permission. When this is care- 
 fully attended to, I am often in silence which I think 
 gives strength, and when conversation is brought on 
 
42 THE LIFE OF 
 
 in this line, it is edifying, and leaves a savour on the 
 mind that is refreshing. On the contrary, I have 
 experienced that a free conversation promoted by 
 answering every question asked in such mixed com- 
 panies, leads the mind insensibly beyond the proper 
 watch, into such a variety of subjects, the canvass- 
 ing of which the regulated mind has not any business 
 with; after such a conversation, I have felt myself 
 reduced to weakness, confusion, and disorder, and 
 at times have been almost ready to faint in spirit. 
 
 Eighth Month 3d. — Meeting at Ballinakill. 
 The same sort of dryness and barrenness, was ex- 
 perienced here as in other places, which makes me 
 ready almost to conclude the fault to be in myself, 
 and that I am denied that sense of feeling, which 
 I formerly had, for some reason which Wisdom can 
 unravel, not being conscious of any falling away 
 on my side ; but the great Master knows best, 
 therefore may His will be done. This meeting 
 was held in silence, and pretty many strangers 
 were at it and behaved themselves well. 
 
 6th. — Monthly Meeting at Mountrath. How 
 shall I be able to express the feelings of the visita- 
 tion I had last night ! I believe none can conceive 
 it, but those who have experienced the like. To be 
 admitted to a freedom, if I dare say so, of commun- 
 ing with the Great Master, the Beloved of my 
 soul, of asking favours and questions ; and the glow 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 43 
 
 of love and favour that surrounded me for about an 
 hour, I think I cannot express suitably. Surely I 
 never can do enough for so good and kind a Master, 
 and hope I shall never be tired of running His 
 errands, and that He will be pleased to give me 
 strength to give up all for His great name's sake. 
 [He describes the meeting as having been one of 
 close and deep exercise, but that through favour the 
 cloud which seemed to envelope it, was gradually 
 dispelled, light broke forth, and the testimony of 
 Truth, rose above the dark spirits of some of the 
 people, and after relating a part of B. D.'s weighty 
 communication therein, goes on to say] — the 
 Friend observed in her testimony, that a heavy or 
 dark cloud hung over this nation, and that a sifting 
 day would be afforded to the people, when the foun- 
 dations of many would be tried, and that none would 
 stand but those which were laid on the Rock im- 
 movable, the everlasting Rock, which was Christ. 
 That whether they would be tried by the sword, by 
 the famine, or the pestilence, she knew not, but that 
 many would in the day of trial, find their covers too 
 little for them, and that the chaff would be sepa- 
 rated from the wheat. These prophetic warnings 
 I have heard more than once, and have felt them 
 sealed in my mind, and if I may compare the state 
 of the Lord's visited ones, to the present state of 
 the church and society in this nation, we often find 
 
44 THE LIFE OF 
 
 trying dispensations are afforded to the visited to 
 cause them to draw nearer to Him, whom they 
 have always experienced to be a ready help in the 
 day of trouble. And if the church and people are 
 tried with outward persecution, it may be a means 
 of making them draw near to Him who is willing 
 to draw near to them, since they will neither hear 
 the reproofs of instruction inwardly nor instrumen- 
 tally. I think Truth was triumphant over darkness 
 [in the meeting], which was a comfortable experi- 
 ence to my hungry and thirsty soul, which had in 
 many meetings been baptized in the cloud, into 
 death and darkness. 
 
 Eight Month 8th. — Arrived this morning in 
 Dublin, where I left my dear companions, and 
 returned home. In this journey, I had not any- 
 thing to say in any meeting, for worship or disci- 
 pline, yet I believe it was a profitable time to me, 
 of improvement, having my spiritual faculties exer- 
 cised, and a further degree of strength and expe- 
 rience afforded to bear the assults and bufferings 
 of my unwearied enemy. Some thought I had 
 better learn this at home ; but we are differing in 
 our spiritual constitutions, as in our natural, and the 
 treatment for one does not answer for all. I was 
 drawn forth to this journey I apprehended by the 
 great Physician, on the approach of the great linen- 
 market in Dublin, the profits of which I resigned, 
 
JOHN COKRAN. 45 
 
 and left my goods at home to the disappointment 
 of my customers who wanted them ; and if I lost 
 that advantage, I had the rich reward of peace in 
 my bosom. 
 
 At the half-year's meeting, the summer of this 
 year, I fell into company with a young woman, 
 Louisa Strangman ; the first time I saw her at a 
 Friend's house, I felt, in silence, a strong draft 
 of love more than natural, and a secret intimation 
 impressed my mind that she would be my wife ; this 
 I hid in my heart, and it was nearly two years 
 before I felt at liberty to disclose it to any one, 
 waiting as I apprehended the Lord's time to com- 
 municate it : in this interval there was a Friend 
 closely addressing her, but my first impressions kept 
 me easy under it. And when I felt the way open 
 to proceed in it at that time, it was nearly six years 
 after this before we were married ; this was a sea- 
 son in the Lord's hand of deep exercise and great 
 trial of my faith and patience, as the prospect I 
 had at first was often totally obliterated, and when 
 these would be almost gone, it would again revive 
 with a degree of clearness, to my great consolation. 
 I held out to the end, and was crowned with a 
 wife who proved the richest earthly blessing I was 
 ever favoured with, a true yoke-fellow, in spiritual 
 as well as temporal concerns, and who never threw 
 any impediment in the way of my going on public 
 
46 THE LIFE OF 
 
 services. I write these few hints, that in this im- 
 portant and weighty engagement, we should have 
 our eve turned to the Light, [of Christ's Spirit] 
 if we expect that favour from the Lord, a good 
 wife, who is indeed a crown to her husband ! 
 
 In the many discouragements inwardly from 
 Satan, to discourage me from embracing the new and 
 living way, which had now been opened in measure 
 to my view, was the prospect of great sufferings, 
 perhaps death itself, and in these days of darkness, 
 and the shadow of death, human nature recoiled, 
 and I was at times brought very low, [ready to say] 
 " How shall I stand if these things befall me ? I 
 fear I shall surely give way, and lose all !" But 
 Divine mercy was extended to me, by showing me 
 that what appears impossible to man, is possible 
 with God. As I sat in the back part of Lisburn 
 meeting, which was held in silence, I felt the love 
 of God extended to me in so powerful a manner, as 
 to dedicate my soul and body to His service, and 
 under the living impressions of it to say, " Do with 
 me, Lord, what thou wilt. I am willing to suffer 
 death for thy name sake ;" for death had then no 
 terrors in it for me, the fear of death was swallowed 
 up in victory. It was then I could account for the 
 noble stand the martyrs made, who, in opposition to 
 the torments which cruel and unreasonable men had 
 subjected them tc,heldfasttheirintegrity;andlfelt 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 47 
 
 from my experience of the foregoing, that the Lord 
 by His enlivening and consolating presence was 
 with them, as He was with the three children in the 
 burning fiery furnace, and crowned them with a 
 crown of everlasting righteousness, eternal in the 
 heavens ; and not only them, but all those who love, 
 honour, and obey the Lord, their righteousness. 
 
 I staid about home I think in the year 1776, 
 but was diligent in attending meetings at home, and 
 the national half year's meeting. In 1778 and 
 1779, 1 was not much from home on Truth's ac- 
 count; I attended some meetings with Samuel 
 Spavold, Isaac Gray, and Thomas Carrington, to 
 my satisfaction. There was a national visit ap- 
 pointed by the Yearly Meeting in London, to the 
 Monthly Meetings in Ireland, which was pretty 
 fully performed by John Storer, John Townsend, 
 Thomas Corbyn, Joseph Eowe, and James Back- 
 house, to pretty good satisfaction. 
 
 Thomas Queer to John Conran. 
 Stockton, Fourth Month 17th, 1780. 
 Dear John, 
 As I have passed along from place to place in this 
 country, I have more than once remembered thy re- 
 quest that I would write to thee, and having a little 
 leisure this evening, I sit down for that purpose. I 
 got safe to Scotland on Third-day evening ; next 
 
48 THE LIFE OF 
 
 morning I set forward for England, took a meeting 
 at Sackside, on the First-day following, and in the 
 course of that week got through the meetings in 
 Northumberland, and attended their Quarterly 
 Meeting. In those parts I found a living remnant in 
 our Society, as well as great openness amongst many 
 of those not in membership with us, many of whom 
 flocked to meetings, whose appearance at first rather 
 filled me with fear, but like a much greater instru- 
 ment formerly, I was soon given to see my mistake, 
 and that the Lord had a seed amongst them, to 
 whom the Gospel must be preached in its own 
 unmixed purity. My heart was indeed humbled 
 from meeting to meeting, under renewed sensa- 
 tions of the wonderful workings of the God of all 
 grace, who is able through weak, very weak, in- 
 struments, to carry on His great and glorious 
 work ; may a due sense of His manifold mercies 
 to my soul, ever be the covering of my spirit ! 
 
 On the 8th inst., I got to Newcastle, where is a 
 pretty large body of Friends, and where our worthy 
 friend Mabel Wigham, and three other public 
 Friends live ; but notwithstanding there are divers 
 valuable Friends in that place, I did not fare as well 
 there as among the poor mountains in Northumber- 
 land ; yet was favoured with an open door amongst 
 them, both in the fore and afternoon meetings ; but 
 experience has taught me, that even in those places, 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 49 
 
 where the people are favoured with a living min- 
 istry, by their calling for, and relying upon help 
 from the servants, they fall away from the life of 
 religion in themselves, by forsaking the free Foun- 
 tain of living waters, and hewing to themselves 
 cisterns very liable to be broken, and at best can 
 contain no living water, but what they immedi- 
 ately receive and scatter at the word of command ; 
 the utmost intention of which is, to direct the en- 
 quiring mind to the Fountain of light, life and 
 wisdom in themselves, that great mystery hid from 
 ages, but now mercifully revealed, Christ in His 
 people the hope of their glory. 
 
 From Newcastle I proceeded to North Shields, 
 their Monthly meeting being there next day, thence 
 by Sunderland, Shotton, Durham, Auckland, and 
 Staindrop meetings, I got to Darlington, and staid 
 over their two meetings yesterday; as I mentioned 
 before I have abundant cause to be thankful that 
 Best Help has not forsaken, but from meeting to 
 meeting, and also at many other seasons, has been 
 felt near, to the comfort and strengthening of my 
 mind to pursue the line of duty which opened in 
 prospect before I left home. Having now got 
 through this country, I purpose going into Yorkshire 
 to-morrow, and taking about eighteen meetings in 
 that county, which lie nearest the sea-coast, and 
 then set my face towards London, if enabled to 
 4 
 
50 THE LIFE OF 
 
 do so. I may inform thee, I have been poorly in 
 health ever since I got into England, occasioned by 
 the exceeding cold weather, and high east wind with 
 snow ; but through mercy, I have hitherto been 
 enabled to get along, without any loss of time, or 
 pain in riding, save when the cough comes on, and 
 I trust I shall be enabled to get through the rest of 
 the journey in the same manner ; having renewed 
 cause to believe I am under the care of Him who 
 numbers the hairs of the head, and without whose 
 notice a sparrow cannot fall to the ground. And 
 notwithstanding He in His wisdom tries the faith 
 of His depending children, in order to enlarge their 
 experience, and thereby further qualifies them for 
 the labour and service of the day, yet will not for- 
 sake those whose dependence is singly fixed on Him, 
 and have no confidence in anything but the all-suffi- 
 cient help of that Arm which brings salvation. 
 
 With dear love to thyself, and any inquiring 
 friends to whom thou thinks it will be acceptable, 
 I remain thy loving friend, 
 
 Thomas Greer. 
 
 In the year 1780, I joined Christiana Hustler 
 and Phebe Marshall in the course of their religious 
 service, and continued with them throughout from 
 Lurgantill they took shipping the following Second 
 Month at Dublin; I passed through many exercising 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 51 
 
 baptisms, occasioned by weakness and fears in the 
 exercise of a small gift I had received in the min- 
 istry, in which their company was serviceable to me. 
 I left home Sixth Month 2d, to join the Friends 
 at Stramore, under a full persuasion that it was my 
 duty to do so : let none think I had not necessary 
 avocations to call me to another line, for our great 
 [linen] fair in Dublin was within a few days of 
 commencing, and though I was assisted by having 
 orders for some of my goods, yet I had a consider- 
 able share left on hand to sell, and that the most 
 unsaleable part I suppose ; the appearance of these 
 things was troublesome to me, but I was mercifully 
 helped through this difficulty. I wish Friends may 
 deal gently with those who may feel these puttings 
 forth, especially where their conduct in most respects 
 is orderly ; for the exercise the enemy is permitted 
 to raise against these things is very trying, and if 
 they have also to feel unskilful dealing, it may crush 
 the broken reed, and lay it aside for a long season 
 under great discouragements, as unfit for service. 
 I trust I have a degree of thankfulness, and desire a 
 greater share of it, to my merciful, kind and good 
 Benefactor, who I believe not only required this 
 offering at my hands, which costs me something, 
 but also put it into the hearts of His people to 
 make way for me ; for my dear and beloved brethren 
 of our province seemed willing to trust me out that 
 
52 THELIFEOF 
 
 I might not be lagging behind, and a tendering time 
 it was to my spirit in [mentally] bidding them fare- 
 well on my quitting Castle Shane ; though they were 
 not present, yet I had a tendering and affecting 
 feeling of them, in that one Spirit which I believe 
 unites all those at times who drink of it. Oh ! my 
 beloved friends, I most tenderly saluted you, and 
 longed for the prosperity of our Zion, and you in 
 particular : I was concerned for you that none of 
 you might receive hurt or damage, and in the 
 springings of that ancient fountain, that cannot be 
 drawn dry, I thought I could have saluted you in an 
 endearing epistle of gospel love : thus did my spirit 
 drink of the cup of brotherly love whilst I travelled 
 along, which was a comfort and consolation to me, 
 and I could say many things to entice others to 
 come and try for themselves, how good and kind 
 the Lord is to those who love and fear Him. 
 
 The family visit not being quite finished in the 
 bounds of Moyallen meeting when I arrived, I had 
 to join the Friends concerned therein in the re- 
 mainder, as I had also to do in the greatest part 
 of Lurgan meeting ; I had a few words handed to 
 me, at times, in some of the sittings, as I appre- 
 hended, to drop amongst us, which I did in fear, 
 and kept as near to the opening as I thought I 
 could, and was at times favoured with the wages 
 of obedience. 
 
JOHNCONRAN. 53 
 
 SOth. — At Bally murry : after I had sat a short 
 time in the meeting, I felt a burden on my mind, 
 which increased to be so weighty as to be difficult 
 to sit under ; I remained in degree still, when I 
 felt some matter to appear before me, which grew 
 more clear and distinct, and seemed to press for ut- 
 terance. I reasoned with it till it passed away, when 
 growing afraid, remembering the long forbearance 
 of a merciful Creator, I entreated if it were a re- 
 quiring that came from Him, that He would be 
 pleased to renew the same matter afresh on my 
 mind, and that I would take that as a confirmation. 
 It was pretty immediately renewed as fresh as I 
 could desire, but the fear got up, and I had almost 
 reasoned it away again ; when I stood up, and before 
 I spoke, I felt like a little fire to kindle in my breast, 
 and uttered these words, " The Lord has lifted up 
 an ensign to the people, and a standard for the 
 nations, the standard of truth and righteousness — 
 keep faithful to your testimonies, Friends, and mea- 
 sure yourselves by this standard, and let each indi- 
 vidual of you come up to his measure :" my mind 
 has been favoured with rest and comfort since. 
 
 Second Month 2nd. — Meeting at Moate. I went 
 to this meeting which was large, in a good degree of 
 fear, having been known there formerly, making a 
 different appearance to my present. After my dear 
 friend Phebe Marshall had sat down the second 
 
54 THE LIFE OP 
 
 time, I stood up, and in great fear declared, "Oh! 
 that the people were wise, that they would consider 
 this, and remember their latter end. Friends, take 
 not up your rest in your earthly possessions, for it 
 is a false rest — a polluted rest; but turn unto 
 the Lord, for in the trying day He will be as a 
 staff of support to those who lean upon Him." 
 After I sat down, my beloved friend Christiana 
 Hustler stood up, and declared that these words 
 which had been repeated in their hearing, had been 
 the companion of her mind for a considerable time. 
 " Oh ! that the people were," &c, and recommended 
 the advice given. Then dear P. M. stood up and 
 declared something of a like nature, which gave 
 me much consolation to find the unity of my beloved 
 friends. The covering of my spirit was comfortable, 
 heightened by the fear I was in of taking away 
 with me what I had dropped, which had tended 
 to my own peace, and was fresh cause of renewed 
 gratitude. 
 
 3rd. — Meeting at Birr, which to me was a very 
 hard painful one. My dear friends had frequently 
 pressed me to sit beside them in these small meet- 
 ings, which I was not easy to give up to, and almost 
 always avoided it, being afraid of offending some 
 one by so doing, which made it a cross to me. In 
 this meeting I was brought under an exercise on 
 this account that was distressing to me and under 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 55 
 
 the weight of it I made covenant, that, if I were 
 forgiven, I would use my best endeavours to come 
 up in that requiring, though I felt it a very bitter 
 cross, and thought it hard it should be required of 
 me. I here found I was too neglectful of the advice 
 of my friends, in these or like small occasions, and 
 that I was preferring my own judgment, or stiff- 
 ness, or fear of man, to their feelings. 
 
 6th. — Meeting at Mountrath. [After alluding to 
 a trying conversation that he had with a Friend 
 before going to meeting, relative to his travelling, 
 and which brought him into a very painful situation, 
 he says] This journey so far has been of consider- 
 able service to me, as I apprehend I have acquired 
 a greater knowledge of men than I possessed before, 
 which has already had a good effect on me, so as 
 measurably to remove that fear of man which I 
 believe too much possessed my mind, so as to hinder 
 my journeying forward, to my own hurt. The 
 meeting I can hardly describe, from my own feel- 
 ings having been so broken down before it, but 
 I believe I can say there was a Hand of favour 
 stretched out towards me in it, having to sit the 
 greatest part of it in a still quiet habitation, feeling 
 my wounds to be bound up, and wine and oil to be 
 in a small measure poured in, so as to confess Him 
 to be the tenderest of parents and best of masters. 
 Yet I believe my dear friends and fellow labourers 
 
56 THE LIFE OF 
 
 had to sit where the people sat, which I dare ven- 
 ture to say was not in heavenly places in Christ 
 Jesus ! Oh ! the threshing instruments ! they were 
 used to thresh the dry and barren mountains of a 
 long and empty profession ; yet I believe they did 
 not come down, but rather that they thought they 
 were too hardly treated, their maladies were not as 
 bad as they were represented, therefore it was to be 
 feared the cure would not be so readily perfected. 
 (The meeting held near five hours) and the Friends 
 had I believe to pass through near three hours of 
 painful silence, the spring lay so low, and nothing 
 to draw with ; the rubbish so great, and few faithful 
 labourers to lay their shoulders to the burden ! Oh ! 
 ye faithless generation, what will ye do in the end ? 
 will your being the children of faithful Abraham 
 work out your salvation ? It is sorrowful, pain- 
 fully sorrowful, to behold these things, and I wish I 
 may be mistaken in judging a spirit that I believe 
 would be ready to cast stones at the servants if 
 they could. 
 
 Seventh Month 9th. — Meeting at Limerick. I 
 was much afraid for some time before I reached this 
 city, as thinking it to be a large meeting and fearful 
 of having any thing laid on me in it. After some 
 time of waiting, I thought a little matter arose, 
 which from the weak state I felt my self in, I believed 
 I could not give up to, therefore carried it away 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 57 
 
 with me, which brought me under a considerable 
 weight and burthen. My dear companions had not 
 much service in the forenoon meeting. The same 
 requiring attended my mind in the evening meeting, 
 and became so extremely weighty, that after a pain- 
 ful state of waiting, I gave up to it in a broken 
 stammering manner, which was more clearly and 
 better explained by one of the friends taking it up, 
 to my great consolation. 
 
 12th, — Meeting at Clonmel. I am afraid a spirit 
 of earthly-mindedness too much prevails in too 
 many here, which fetters the mind, and prevents 
 it seeking after better enjoyments : a state of re- 
 sistance of the clay in the hands of the' great 
 Potter was treated with, and the danger of stand- 
 ing out compared to rebellion, which is as the sin 
 of witchcraft. 
 
 16£A. — Waterford meeting. After we had settled 
 
 down into silence at ? s in the evening, a little 
 
 matter came before me in a very lively manner, 
 which I reasoned with till it left me, and I never 
 could see it any more in the light though I earnestly 
 entreated for it, and in room thereof I was filled 
 with doubtings and fears, and suffered a good deal 
 of distress of mind. But after A. B. had opened his 
 mouth my convictions reached me, that I had been 
 unfaithful in not giving forth that which had been 
 handed to me, the holding back of which, I believe, 
 
58 THE LIFE OF 
 
 stopped the spring in others, and was the cause of 
 my punishment, which brought me into a. sincere 
 repentance, and I hope will be a warning to me to be 
 more careful for the future. There is great danger 
 in being too hasty in offering, [as well as] too slack- 
 handed, which leads me into fear of erring on either 
 hand ; but I hope for preservation as I remain in 
 the child-like simplicity, either to move or stand 
 still, as I find faith to believe it is required of me. 
 Ninth Month 27th. — Meeting at Athy, pretty 
 select with the Friends of that meeting. When we 
 were here before, near the close of the meeting, I 
 found it pretty strong on my mind for some time to 
 request Friends to stop, as there were some of other 
 societies present, but was backward and did not, and 
 I thought this was the cause of our return here. I 
 could have wished at some places Friends would 
 not invite their neighbours, unless particularly de- 
 sired ; I was pained at times on that account to see 
 them so indifferent, giving away to others that bread 
 they had occasion for themselves, as the course of 
 the testimony, I thought, frequently turned from 
 the household to those who were without. 
 
 From Esther Tuke to John Conran. 
 " York, Twelfth Month 21st, 1780. 
 Dear Friend, 
 Thy great and unexpected kindness in giving 
 
JOHN CONRAK. 59 
 
 me so satisfactory an account of thyself and my 
 beloved friends Christiana Hustler and Phebe Mar- 
 shall, demands my grateful acknowledgment. I re- 
 ceived it a few days ago, when I was about acknow- 
 ledging some of my transgressions, or omissions, to 
 my honoured friend, Richard Shackleton, and also 
 inquiring concerning our dear friends, who have 
 been long the almost constant companions of my 
 mind. Though writing is now more than ever an 
 irksome task, and what I do very little in, except to 
 my own family connexions, and where duty abso- 
 lutely requires it ; yet, feeling my heart afresh 
 warmed in the renewal of that love, which, though 
 ancient, is ever new, I thought I would not let slip 
 this opportunity of saluting thee therein, and wish- 
 ing thee well on thy way. I doubt not but thy 
 conflicts have been many, as thou well describes, 
 in a waste howling wilderness in which I trust the 
 carcase is fallen which cannot inherit the promised 
 land, new desires and pursuits given, and the king- 
 dom received as a little child ; in that state of sim- 
 plicity and innocence mayst thou grow up to more 
 advanced age, be more and more useful in thy 
 day, and brightened and strengthened with use, 
 is my sincere desire. 
 
 Though I feel as if my travelling days were 
 near over, yet I may say, of a truth if ever such a 
 thing should be required as to see your land again, 
 
60 THE LIFE OP 
 
 I should be glad to be sheltered under thy roof, 
 where I well remember I sensibly felt the Son of 
 Peace to be. I hope divers of you will come and 
 make some returns for labours, which, from year to 
 year, our friends have to bestow — that going from 
 house to house is trying work indeed, but the wages 
 will be adequate, which I trust thou and thy com- 
 panions have, and will experience, and that they 
 will be returned to us again, when the Master hath 
 said "It is enough." If this reach thy hand whilst 
 you are labouring together, salute them affection- 
 ately in my name, it seems all the mite I can cast 
 in, feeling too much covered with the stuff to be fit 
 to converse with those engaged in war. I hope to 
 meet you and our worthy friends, Mary Ridgeway 
 and Jan'e Watson, at our Quarterly Meeting at 
 Leeds next week ; perhaps, I may get my coat 
 brushed, or get on a better, and be more fit to con- 
 verse with my friends. M. Ridgeway's service is very 
 great, her ministry deep and searching ; they are 
 renewedly united to the living remnant of the 
 Lords's people, who are thankful He still continues 
 thus to visit. Our worthy friend M. R. seems to have 
 brightened through her recent afflictions, as if she 
 had fully experienced passing through the fining-pot 
 for the silver, and furnace for the gold, and had come 
 out pure. We had almost lost hope of seeing that 
 great good man, Samuel Neale, and his armour- 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 61 
 
 bearer, but it revives a little through thy hint con- 
 cerning them. I love thy companions so well as 
 to desire every help and comfort for them consis- 
 tent with the Master's will. My dear companion 
 and sister in the new relationship, C. H., and I, 
 have been in some degree like bone of one bone, 
 from our youth up, and I have often been more 
 gratified in her enlargement in spiritual gifts than 
 my own, and our love and near unity, I believe, 
 will never here have an end. 
 
 I have not time for enlargement, such as I have, 
 and the best I have, I give thee, which I could wish 
 better, but as thou art now at school, and day unto 
 day utters speech, and nights teach knowledge, and 
 not only taught by the Master, but constantly under 
 the eye and nurture of His servants, (thy acknow- 
 ledged mothers), though I am apt enough to teach, 
 I hope to know my place better than to intermeddle, 
 for if I had the true oil and poured it forth, it might 
 justly be queried, " Why was this waste made ?" I 
 was glad of thy hint concerning James Christy, 
 though I am far from thinking I merit the name of 
 mother to so honourable a son ; my sentiments 
 concur with thy pertinent remark, which felt to re- 
 vive strength, to give them a little hint or two of 
 what had long laid upon my mind. I know not 
 what can excuse my great enlargement, after a 
 pretended conclusion (contrary to the advices), but 
 
62 THE LITE OF 
 
 that the worldly spirit [alluding to an order she 
 gave J. C. for Irish linens, fee] -which is often first, 
 if not last, with many, and had need be thought of 
 by me, never came into my mind till I was about to 
 finish ; however, if thou hast no better, and art still 
 so well disposed as to wish a subject to write to me 
 upon, I have furnished thee with one, perhaps to 
 my own profit as well as pleasure, as I shall be glad 
 to hear from thee at any time and on any occa- 
 sion, being with the salutation of love, in which 
 my husband and Henry unite, 
 
 Thy affectionate and obliged friend, 
 
 Esther Tuke. 
 
 1781. — Second Month 1st. We arrived at Dub- 
 lin, before and since which I have been under a con- 
 siderable weight of exercise of spirit, having had a 
 view of visiting the families of this meeting, which 
 at times brought me very low. and I got very much 
 discouraged in looking how it might be with me 
 when I got home, lest I might meet with discourage- 
 ment from one and another Friend : and I was led 
 through the appearances that were presented to my 
 view, to doubt the foundation and almost the whole 
 of my proceedings in the ministry, which cast a 
 great damp upon my spirit, so far that I thought I 
 would scarcely again venture to move in that ser- 
 vice, or if I did, that my way might be so blocked 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 63 
 
 up as to shut me up in silence. I went to bed [one 
 night] much under these discouraging reflections, 
 but in the morning I thought a language livingly 
 opened in my mind of this import, " To do that, day 
 by day, that appeared to me to do, and not to be 
 looking too far forward to things that may or may 
 not happen ;" this dispersed these gloomy clouds, 
 and my spirit was engaged in the thankful acknow- 
 ledgment to the Lord for this His merciful relief 
 from the discourager. I write these few things 
 that I may remember the Lord's gracious dealings, 
 and that I may be mindful not to be considering 
 what men may say of me or concerning me, but 
 be watchful and mindful after the work and busi- 
 ness of the present hour and day. I thought, as 
 I lay under this comfortable feeling, that I felt 
 myself in a good degree set free from this city, 
 and hope I shall continue so, and the little view I 
 had of getting home soon seemed to open before 
 me with considerable satisfaction. I took a last 
 farewell on the 8th of Second Month of my very 
 dear and much respected friends and .companions, 
 in whose company I had had many close baptisms, 
 also many comfortable seasons in which we were 
 favoured to drink together of the same cup of 
 blessing ; it was a time of painful trial to my feel- 
 ings, through which I was mercifully supported, 
 and could say on my return home, that I neither 
 
64 THE LIFE OF 
 
 regretted the time nor the expense of this journey, 
 "which was considerable. I was favoured to reach 
 home safe, and to find all things generally well, 
 after beins; absent about eight months in the whole. 
 
JOHNCONRAN. 65 
 
 CHAPTER. III. 
 
 1782. ATTENDS THE YEARLY MEETING IN LONDON 
 — JOINS ROBERT VALENTINE AND JOHN HALL 
 IN VISITING LEINSTER AND MUNSTER PROVINCES 
 — HIS MARRIAGE — VISIT TO THE FAMILIES OE 
 BALLYHAGEN AND BALLINDERRY MEETINGS. 
 
 In the year 1782, as I sat in the Half-year's Meet- 
 ing for business at Dublin, I felt a warm impression 
 on my mind to attend the ensuing Yearly Meeting 
 in London, and taking the advice of two minister- 
 ing Friends of our province they encouraged me to 
 give up to it, which I did, and was well satisfied 
 with going. I thought the settling of the Book of 
 Extracts brought an exercise over the weighty part 
 of the meeting, which was borne down for some 
 time, by some light and frothy speakers ; but in the 
 end Truth was in dominion, and the meeting ended 
 well, and I may say, I returned with a sheaf of 
 peace in my bosom. 
 
 Soon after I came home I visited most of the 
 
 meetings in Leinster, with Thomas Dobson and 
 
 John Foster ; and in Tenth Month I accompanied 
 
 Robert Valentine from Pennsylvania, and John 
 
 5 
 
66 THE LIFE OF 
 
 Hall from Cumberland, in their visits to parts of 
 Leinster and Munster provinces, having obtained 
 a certificate for that purpose. I joined them at the 
 Province Meeting at Mountrath, Tenth Month 
 12th and 13th, where that doctrine was declared, 
 that the parents had eaten sour grapes, and the 
 children's teeth were set on edge. The fore part of 
 the meeting next day was cloudy, but there was a 
 door of utterance afforded, and I hope a door of en- 
 trance to some of the children. In a select oppor- 
 tunity with the particular meeting, I had to remind 
 them of the state of Israel when Balaam was hired 
 to curse them — they were dwelling in their tents — 
 no divination could prevail against them ; but that 
 now Israel fled before their enemies, because some 
 had coveted a wedge of gold and the Babylonish 
 garment, and that they were found in the tent. 
 
 16th. — Meeting at Athy : here I experienced a 
 deep baptizing season in poverty and silence, in 
 which I received great instruction in reverence of 
 spirit. Godliness is indeed a very great mystery, 
 which is to be known only by that revealing power 
 in the heart. My dear friend, R. Valentine was 
 well concerned here. 
 
 11th. — Meeting at Ballitore : I felt that way 
 which the apostle called a more excellent way 
 opened in my mind, and had to recommend it to 
 Friends as that which recommends all our workato 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 67 
 
 Divine acceptance ; I was followed by R. V. in a 
 lively testimony with similar remarks — it was a 
 time of some favour. Since I left my habitation 
 my way in religious meetings has been, I have 
 thought, much in the cloud ; nevertheless, through 
 unmerited regard, I have been favoured to be pretty 
 closely baptized into the states of the meetings, and 
 sometimes enabled through deep wading and poverty 
 to express a little of my concern, in that manner 
 which is as foolishness with weak unenlightened 
 man, yet to a faithful remnant is found to be in the 
 wisdom of God, and by the power of God subjecting 
 to Himself that in us which would desire to reign. 
 May I be reverently thankful for this favour also, 
 of seeing myself in this true light, that without 
 His holy horn of power I could do nothing to His 
 praise or my peace. I am also favoured with the 
 evidence of peace in these mortifying labours. 
 
 20th. — Meeting at Kilconner : a low time, yet 
 through Divine favour ability was given to set the 
 testimony of Truth over wrong things. After dinner 
 at a Friend's house we had a pretty open opportu- 
 nity, in which I was concerned to show the subtle 
 workings of our great enemy, in the mystery of ini- 
 quity, leading the children of men captives at his 
 will, when they are not found walking in that light 
 in which only he can be discovered ; in some appear- 
 ing as the king of the locusts ascending from the 
 
68 THE LIFE OF 
 
 bottomless pit, and in the smoke thereof clouding 
 the understanding, so as to put light for darkness 
 and darkness for light ; raising up the reasoning 
 part in others so as to doubt of, and reason upon 
 every thing Divine and human, which workings no 
 eje can see or experience, but that which has been 
 anointed with the eye-salve of God's kingdom. 
 
 22c?. — Meeting at Ross : the forepart was low, 
 but through Divine favour a little light sprang up, 
 and I had to express, that the children who are 
 born from above, of the incorruptible seed of light 
 and life, in this day may be compared to the cot- 
 tage in the vineyard, and to the besieged city — 
 that there are still to be found one here and an- 
 other there, who are measurably engaged to stand 
 for [the Lord's] cause, and appear as lights in a 
 dark and ignorant world- — and that I had to be- 
 lieve the candle was lighted here and placed on 
 the candle-stick, to show light to the house and to 
 those among whom their lots were cast, and ex- 
 horted that it should not be hid under a bed of 
 ease, or a bushel, but to let their lights so shine 
 before men, that their lives and good works might 
 bring glory to their Father in heaven. 
 
 [From hence he wrote the following letter to his 
 friend Louisa Strangman, who also received soon 
 after a valuable communication from S. Grubb.] 
 
john conean. 69 
 
 Prom John Conran to Louisa Strangman. 
 Ross, Eleventh Month 25th, 1782. 
 
 Hoping a few lines will not prove displeasing 
 to my dear Lucy, to hear of our safe arrival here, 
 that near and endeared love which I feel towards 
 thee, leads me thus to communicate a little with 
 thee. i 
 
 We came here last night in company with our 
 dear friend Anne Elly, &c, in whose company at 
 Kilknock, the evening before, we were favoured 
 together with a measure of the owning of Divine 
 regard, opening in suitable and tender counsel to 
 the states (I believe) of the youth present, testify- 
 ing to them how precious the visitation of Heaven 
 was to some, who, being favoured to find that pearl 
 of great price, sold all that they had formerly a life 
 in, and thereby purchased it, — recommending them 
 to buy the Truth also, and sell it not, and that wis- 
 dom, instruction, and understanding that flows from 
 the living Word of God in their own hearts, — giving 
 up to the fire that which is for the fire, and to the 
 sword that which is for the sword, &c. It was well, 
 I believe, that we were there ; the Father of His 
 family I hope was felt amongst us, to the help of 
 some present, who might be ready to faint, after 
 fasting for so long a season, sitting in our solemn 
 assemblies, oftentimes as in the valley of Achor and 
 shadow of death. But as we are concerned to be 
 
70 THE LIFE OF 
 
 faithful unto this death, He will arise in His own 
 time for our assistance, and when He comes His 
 reward is surely with Him, and His appearing is at 
 times like the lightning from the east, unexpectedly 
 coming into His temple, where all things should 
 be ready, clean and garnished, and we found wait- 
 ing, as faithful servants, not knowing the hour in 
 which their Lord cometh. 
 
 My mind has seemed to me at seasons, for some 
 time past, to be under a degree of preparation for 
 this journey into Munster, — a state of circumspec- 
 tion and faithful watchfulness, to the holy Head of 
 our most holy profession seems to be laid before 
 me, and to endeavour after faithfulness to His 
 manifestations, that I may receive a foretaste of 
 that crown of peace and joy in the Holy Ghost, the 
 fulness of which is to be experienced eternally in 
 the heavens. I think I feel a state in myself, under 
 this preparation, of endeared love towards the 
 Friends of this province, which I believe flows from 
 the Fountain of love, tendering and breaking my 
 spirit, to my comfort and consolation. 
 
 Farewell my much loved friend, and I humbly 
 hope to be thy partner and sharer in that holy life 
 which never is to have an end, and to be preserved 
 in that station, through Divine favour, in all the 
 trials of this life. My dear love to thy mother, kc. 
 
 John Coxrax. 
 
john gone an. 71 
 
 From Sarah Grubb to Louisa Strangman. 
 Anner Mills, First Month 18th, 1783. 
 
 My Dear Friend, 
 
 Thy acceptable letter of the 4th instant reached 
 me in due course. As I felt some of thy painful 
 sensations, [alluding to her prospect of marriage] 
 so I could likewise rejoice with thee in the preva- 
 lence of that secret but all-powerful voice, which in 
 seasons of our greatest besetment, when we prove 
 that all our temporal as well as spiritual enjoyments 
 depend upon the Sanctifier thereof, interposes for 
 our help, and commands the waves that they be 
 still. Every little experience of this sort ought to 
 strengthen our faith, and add to our patience in 
 times of trial, knowing that at this word the winds 
 and seas obey ; better is it for us that it is not ex- 
 tended in our time, nor governed by our will, for 
 that would leave us destitute of means whereby our 
 spiritual faculties could be exercised and prepared 
 for spiritual services, for ourselves or in the church 
 militant on earth ; and did we find it permitted in 
 the Divine law that our wills and inclinations might 
 preside over our religious impressions, how short 
 would their reign be, and how little certainty should 
 we find in their fluctuations. Better, far better is 
 it for us to go under the weight of the cross, feel- 
 ing its substantial operations on our minds by cru- 
 
72 THE LIFE OF 
 
 eifying us to our own carnal wisdom, and that unto 
 us ; that so an immovable kingdom may be estab- 
 lished in righteousness in us, and, from an increas- 
 ing pure, holy attachment to that Arm which brings 
 deliverance, we may seek to have our lives sup- 
 ported and conducted by the precious gift of faith, 
 finding it to be our meat and our drink to do the 
 will of our heavenly Father. The comfortable aspi- 
 ration of thy mind the night before thou wrote me 
 seems a seal to the belief that thy prospect is a 
 right one. 
 
 Such are greatly wanted as will firmly stand in 
 the life and authority of Truth, and lift up the stan- 
 dard thereof to the indifferent unwashed professors 
 in this day, who have the form of godliness, but 
 want the efficacy and wholesome fruits of the power. 
 I am convinced, however, that they who stand and 
 are enough engaged faithfully to keep their ranks, 
 must suffer persecution and be lightly esteemed of 
 many for the Truth's sake, — not a persecution like 
 that which befel our predecessors in the rising of 
 the purity of the gospel day, when their bodies were 
 imprisoned and despised, and the Spirit of their 
 holy Head triumphed over death, hell, and the 
 grave; but this day of trial, if I have any sense of 
 it, is a still more evil day and bitter, because the 
 seed of the kingdom is under oppression, and few 
 are grieved for its affliction. Many are dwelling at 
 
JOHNCONEAN. 73 
 
 ease in their ceiled houses, are consoling themselves 
 with what they find there, thinking how much safer 
 it is to keepin this habitation than to venture them- 
 selves into the battle of a despised cause in these 
 perilous times — others who have been appointed 
 and armed for the Lamb's war have flinched when 
 they were called to stand in the front, for fear of 
 some personal disadvantage, — and there are those 
 who have lost favour and strength, by too boldly and 
 precipitately engaging in battle before their armour 
 was prepared, their earthen pitchers broken, and by 
 the sound of the trumpet they were commissioned 
 to. cry, — " the sword of the Lord and of Gideon." 
 •From a transient survey of the various openings 
 to error, and perceiving that there is but one way 
 and one means to stand in that kingdom which is 
 not of this world, many discouragements arise, and 
 sometimes a language that " one day I shall fall by 
 the hand of the enemy." And yet I may acknow- 
 ledge, that in some seasons of trial which I have 
 experienced of late, exceeding and different to what 
 I ever before knew, I have been secretly strength- 
 ened by the belief, that as we suffer ourselves to be 
 brought to the balance of the sanctuary, and stand 
 open to every manifestation we may find there, even 
 when it requires us to be melted down again in order 
 to add to our weight, that though the enemy may 
 beset and boldly vaunt against us, pouring as it 
 
74 THE LIFE OF 
 
 were his floods out of his mouth, he will never be 
 able to pluck us out of the Divine hand, but a hook 
 will be put in his jaws, and deliverance wrought 
 for the pure seed. As it is only by our being led 
 down in the deeps, purified there, established there, 
 and there seeing the wonderful mystery of godli- 
 ness, that we shall be able to stand the fiery darts 
 of the wicked, and after having done all to stand 
 with garments unpolluted, hands washed in inno- 
 cency, and hearts that have access to the altar of 
 God, — let us not be afraid, beloved friend, but 
 trust and humbly confide in Him who can teach 
 our hands to w ar and our fingers to fight, and will, 
 as we are faithful to Him, shield us under every 
 assault, from within or from without. 
 
 It is very unexpected to me that I have written 
 thus ; I had no view of it when I took up my pen, 
 nor has my mind been disposed of late to com- 
 municate, but I write what occurs, without re- 
 straint, feeling that love in which there is free- 
 dom. 1 feel nearly and dearly to love thee, and 
 
 remain therein with E. G.'s and sister Sally 
 (John's) love, thy poor but affectionate, 
 
 S. Grubb. 
 
 In this visit to the county of Wexford, I believe 
 I was, according to my small measure, baptized into 
 the states of the people, a'nd made to sit where they 
 
JOHNCONBAN. 75 
 
 sat ; from these feelings I may say, that the life of 
 religion is low in this quarter, many of the aged 
 and middle-aged having buried their talents in the 
 earth, and the Divine Seed seems to be pressed as 
 a cart is pressed under sheaves, to their own great 
 loss. Yet I apprehended that there was a tender 
 visitation of Divine love towards the beloved youth, 
 some of whom were looking to the elders to ask 
 bread, and found few, very few, to break it unto 
 them ; the Great Shepherd of Israel will, I believe, 
 in His own time arise for the help of these, and 
 bring them forward into use and service if they 
 prove faithful in the day of small things. Though 
 my way herein was in much strippedness, in which 
 I had to go deeper than heretofore, yet my ex- 
 perience was increased, and I was made willing to 
 be where the seed was, in a state of suffering in 
 many places. 
 
 29th. — At Ballicane we had a very heavy, dull 
 meeting : it felt to me that many were buried in 
 the earth, they knew not how to dig, and to beg 
 they were ashamed : they bore the appearance of 
 the Lord's people, but their hearts seemed to be 
 far from Him. I had to minister here in great 
 poverty and weakness, and was favoured with peace. 
 
 Eleventh Month 6th. — The National Meeting at 
 Dublin concluded. The several sittings of this 
 meeting were much clouded, too many not suffi- 
 
76 THE LIFE OF 
 
 ciently concerned to wrestle for the blessing, wait- 
 ing in a careless, lukewarm and unconcerned situa- 
 tion, like the multitude formerly for the loaves and 
 fishes to be handed to the servants and so to them, 
 instead of labouring for themselves to be fed imme- 
 diately by the Heavenly Hand. There were many 
 servants present who appeared exercised for restor- 
 ing ancient beauty in the church ; in the meeting 
 for business, R. Valentine was well and zealously 
 engaged on that subject. I thought the business 
 was conducted in too formal a way, barely reading 
 and answering the queries, with little observation 
 on the represented state of the body. I think I 
 never saw into the state of the Society so clearly as 
 of late, and that unless our holy Head is pleased to 
 arise and qualify some suitable well-concerned 
 members in the church, the blessed cause of Truth 
 will suffer amongst us ; so many are closely occu- 
 pied in building up their own houses, whilst the 
 Lord's house is I fear in many places left desolate. 
 10th. — Very hard labour at Edenderry meeting, 
 a deep covering of the earth rendering the precious 
 seed too much unfruitful among many of the pro- 
 fessors. In an opportunity after dinner, the state 
 of the elders in the breaking forth of this Gospel- 
 day was set forth, (some of whose descendants were 
 present,) how they were concerned above all things 
 to do their heavenly Father's will, and that they 
 
JOHNCONRAN. 77 
 
 were made bright, and noble, and valiant for His 
 cause on earth, by keeping deep in their dwelling, 
 and near the heavenly Spring ; they were men to 
 be wondered at by the people amongst whom they 
 dwelt, and from the fulness of their experience had 
 at times to bless that great Name who liveth for 
 ever, and to cry Holy, holy, Lord God of Sabaoth, 
 the heaven and earth was full of His glory — that 
 the same way was open to us, if we, as they, were 
 concerned to have our dwellings where no divina- 
 tion nor enchantment can prevail. 
 
 12th. — The select Monthly Meeting was held 
 this morning : in this opportunity my exercise was 
 so close and trying that I secretly cried, "Lord, 
 remember David and all his troubles;" my mind 
 wandered up and down, and could not find a resting 
 place, which was a great grief to me. R. Valentine, 
 after a considerable time in silence, described the 
 state of those who were so exercised in spirit that 
 they could not do any thing for their Master, and 
 so forsaken that they could not think one good 
 thought — that this was a profitable season, purging 
 and purifying the vessel in the laver of regenera- 
 tion, so as to fit and prepare it for the Master's use, 
 showing us to ourselves, and what we are without 
 Him. The queries were answered, and R. Valentine 
 was concerned that Friends should be upright in 
 their answers, and tell the state of things as they 
 
78 THE LIFE OF 
 
 really are. I felt a little matter on my mind, what 
 the prophet saw — the Lord standing upon a wall 
 made by a plumb-line, with a plumb-line in His 
 hand — which opened before me as the wall of dis- 
 cipline which surrounded us, and would preserve 
 us from the corruptions in the world and ourselves 
 — that this discipline was founded in the wisdom 
 of Truth — that those who stood on the wall should 
 build with the plumb-line of truth and righteous- 
 ness in their hands, and that the order of Truth 
 and the Gospel led us to confess ourselves one to 
 another honestly and uprightly, which might open 
 in concerned minds a word of counsel and advice 
 for our help and recovery. 
 
 ISth. — Monthly Meeting at Edenderry, a hard 
 and laborious time — a dark and heavy cloud seemed 
 to surround us ; Robert Valentine and John Hall 
 appeared with difficulty, there seemed little en- 
 trance, or life raised, in the meeting; I thought to 
 carry away my burden, but fearing to withhold, 
 stood up in fear and great weakness, with the re- 
 membrance of Israel formerly, when the Divine 
 presence so filled the temple, that there was scarce 
 room for the priests to minister ; that under this 
 present Gospel dispensation, a like state was ex- 
 perienced, when the priests and people were so 
 Divinely refreshed in their silent meetings for wor- 
 ship that there was an unwillingness to enter in 
 
JOHNCONRAN. T9 
 
 and minister,but they sat each of them refreshed and 
 satisfied, as under their own vine and fig-tree, where 
 none could make them afraid, [and I queried how 
 Friends had] felt that day ? [for that I could testify] 
 for myself that I had been baptized in the cloud, 
 into death and darkness, and that sin w T as the parti- 
 tion-wall which separated, &c. The men's meeting 
 was favoured : R.Valentine dropped several weighty 
 suitable remarks ; he is a zealous Friend in disci- 
 pline. I have renewed cause for thankfulness, that 
 I feel the Lord to be my strength in weakness, 
 riches in poverty, and my all in every time of need. 
 I have had trying seasons to pass through [of late], 
 more so I think than I ever experienced since my 
 mouth was first opened in a public testimony for 
 the Truth, having often to go down into Jordan and 
 to stand there with somew T hat of the weight of the 
 Ark on my shoulder, and wait for the passing over 
 of the people. It was a comfort and rejoicing to 
 me, to find myself dipped into the same states that 
 my companions were, and to have sometimes like 
 expressions living in my heart ; this helped, through 
 Divine favour, to strengthen and confirm me in that 
 which I hope and believe is the way of well-doing. 
 29th. — Week-day meeting at Waterford : I have 
 experienced a trying state of poverty mostly since 
 I came here, and in this meeting, which I believe 
 I was the cause of bringing on, by refusing to 
 
80 THE LIFE OF 
 
 appear in a state of weakness the day before in a 
 Friend's family ; yet gracious regard was extended 
 to me this evening, in a little opening in this 
 family, after which I thought I had to see that 
 " there is that scattereth and yet increaseth, and 
 there is that withholdeth more than is meet but it 
 tendeth to poverty/ ' 
 
 Twelfth Month 8th. — Meetings at Limerick ; my 
 companions were concerned in testimony in both 
 meetings, it was my lot to sit in poverty and 
 silence, life did not feel to me to be in dominion. 
 I fear this world and its pursuits stands as a par- 
 tition-wall between many and their soul's happi- 
 ness ; oh ! the desolations it brings upon those 
 who set out well, and run well for a season, but 
 Demas-like, forsake the God that made them, for 
 the glory and vanity of this present world! Yet 
 there are some here I trust, who have in this the 
 day of their youth chosen the Lord for their por- 
 tion, and I believe He is at work by His power in 
 their hearts, to draw them near to Himself, that 
 they may become a people to His praise and glory. 
 With these my spirit was nearly united, and in the 
 fresh feelings of that love which flowed in my heart 
 towards them, I was renewedly engaged to suppli- 
 cate the Father of mercies secretly on their account, 
 that He would in His tender mercy and gracious 
 regard preserve them in His holy life and fear, that 
 
JOHN CONRAD. 81 
 
 through Him they might bring forth fruits to His 
 praise and glory. 
 
 15th. — [After speaking of several meetings, and 
 opportunities at Cork, he says] in all of these my 
 covering was poverty, strippedness, and silence : 
 under this dispensation I grew uneasy and restless, 
 which I believe increased it, till Gracious Conde- 
 scension was pleased to show me that a quiet 
 habitation was the safest and best dwelling, and 
 here I was enabled at this time to seek for and find 
 rest to my wearied spirit. 
 
 Yith. — As we passed along in this city, I have 
 felt my mind drawn in dear love to Friends here, 
 and have been enabled in some families, through 
 Divine favour and ability, to express some things to 
 my own peace, and I trust and hope to the edifica- 
 tion one of another ; this is renewed cause of 
 thankfulness, when I remember what I had been, 
 and my present state of weakness, how unworthy 
 I am to be made of any, or the least, use in my 
 Lord's family. Let His own works praise Him, 
 but unto me belongs shame and confusion of face, 
 and His mercies, they endure to His unworthy 
 creature to this day. Amen — so be it ! 
 
 24:th. — Cork week-day meeting. My stay here 
 
 was about twelve days, in much weakness and in 
 
 much fear ; a crumb from the heavenly table was at 
 
 times mercifully afforded, which helped to sustain 
 
 6 
 
82 THE LIFE OP 
 
 me when I appeared ready to perish. I think they 
 proved profitable seasons, teaching me to suffer 
 hunger and thirst, and therewith to be content, and 
 bringing me to know in my own experience, naked- 
 ness, and who it was that should clothe me ; so 
 that I then could render praises and thanksgivings 
 to Him to whom they are due. 
 
 We left our dear friend R. V. here, to recruit 
 under the hospitable roof of our kind friends 
 Samuel Neale and wife, and set out for Youghal, 
 Clonmel, Mountmellick, and the Province Meeting 
 at Castle Dermot on the 4th of First Month, 1783. 
 In the meeting on First-day we sat near two hours 
 in a painful silence, when I was favoured with a 
 little strength to express my sense of the meeting, 
 W T hich I compared to a spring shut up, a fountain 
 sealed — that there seemed to be little of the flowing 
 of that river to be felt amongst us, the streams 
 whereof make glad the whole heritage of God — 
 that the light of the body is the eye, if it be 
 single the whole body is full of light; but if it 
 be evil, the whole body is full of darkness — that 
 it is for want of our eye being single enough unto 
 Him,^vho is the Light and Life of men, that we are 
 thus allowed to sit as in the region and shadow of 
 death, having our eye like the eye of the fool, out 
 after the perishing things of this world, and wan- 
 dering in the darkness of it : and therefore we come 
 
'JOHN CONRAN. 83 
 
 to our religious meetings in this dark state, sit in it, 
 and bring it over our assemblies, and go away, like 
 the door upon its hinges, moving backwards and for- 
 wards, and never coming nearer. Afterwards dear 
 Mary Eidgway stood up, and expressed a like sense 
 of the meeting : it was a time of brokenness and 
 contrition to my spirit. This meeting I thought, 
 was a time of instruction even to the unlearned, 
 who might see and feel that the ministers of them- 
 selves could do nothing ; nevertheless, through 
 Divine regard being extended, we were latterly 
 favoured together, to the comfort and refreshment 
 I hope of many truly baptized ones present. 
 
 7th. — Week-day meeting in Dublin. — I have now 
 concluded this visit, and though my way has been 
 much in the deeps, often baptized for the dead, dry 
 and formal professors amongst us, the lukewarm^ 
 and indifferent, the earthly-minded, who bring death 
 and darkness to our assemblies, — and have had to sit 
 as the people sit, and to go down and visit the pre- 
 cious seed of the kingdom, which is in bondage in 
 the hearts of the people — though these were very 
 trying, proving seasons, yet they were made profit- 
 able, purifying times, having, I believe, to wade and 
 go deeper thanheretofore to reach to that life which 
 is hid with Christ in God. My painful travail in 
 spirit was not in vain, for the wrestling seed was 
 at times made to prevail, and the living spring 
 
84 THE LIFE OF 
 
 to arise, to the comfort and refreshment of the 
 truly hungry and baptized spirits ; this is an en- 
 couragement to persevere and wrestle till the day 
 dawns and the shadows flee away. There seems to 
 be too general a declension among those who should 
 be of the fore-rank of the people, who, with the 
 riches of this world and the anxious love of it, have 
 let in a spirit of ease and indifferency as to those 
 things which alone make for true peace. Yet I 
 believe there are up and down a few substantial 
 living members who love the Truth, are concerned 
 for the promotion of it in the earth, and I hope are 
 under a godly concern on their own accounts to 
 keep their habitations in it, and their garments un- 
 spotted from the world. May these be increased, 
 and experience a growth from one degree of strength 
 unto another, that Zion may once more put on her 
 beautiful garments, become as the garden enclosed, 
 and the desire and beauty of all nations. There are 
 many beautiful and blooming youth of both sexes 
 in many parts that seem to be under the lively im- 
 pressions of the heavenly visitation ; my spirit was 
 at times nearly united to some of these, and warm 
 desires were begotten in my heart for their preser- 
 vation. May these remember their Creator in the 
 days of their youth, when their offering will be 
 truly of a sweet savour, and as sweet smelling in- 
 cense to their God ; for this end has He in His 
 
JOHNCONRAN. 85 
 
 gracious condescension visited them, that they 
 should be redeemed from the pollutions that are in 
 the world, and that by giving up faithfully in this 
 the day of their early visitation, and dwelling under 
 the turnings of His holy hand, they may be fitted, 
 qualified, and so become vessels of honour in His 
 house, to His praise, and their own peace and con- 
 solation. But I was jealous over some of them, 
 with a godly jealousy, lest they were not sufficiently 
 sensible of the blessings bestowed upon them ; they 
 felt the warmth of the Sun of Righteousness shining 
 upon them, and the precious unity of their living 
 brethren and sisters — they were enjoying the com- 
 forts of this summer season, but not enough at- 
 tending on the work in themselves to which they 
 were called — were loitering in the market-place, 
 and permitting the blessed day of God's visitation to 
 be passing by [unimproved], and the night stealing 
 upon them in which the work cannot be done. To 
 such this language is truly applicable, — "Work 
 while it is called to-day, lest darkness come upon 
 you." When the springs of love and dedication to 
 God are dried up, and the tenderness of spirit lost 
 in the cares of the world, they lose that dignity and 
 true nobility which this precious visitation would 
 have crowned them with ; instead of being covered 
 with living zeal as with a cloak, and being made 
 men and women for God, and testimony-bearers 
 
86 THE LIFE OF 
 
 for his Truth, they become dry and formal profes- 
 sors, and not receiving their daily food from heaven 
 which only can keep the soul alive unto God, they 
 live upon their former experiences when the Lord's 
 candle shone upon them, are little better than 
 burdens to the living, and their lives are without 
 [the true] honour, their hearts not being right in 
 the sight of God. May such as these dear visited 
 ones prize their calling, and be willing to open to 
 Him who has mercifully knocked at their door, 
 seeking for entrance, that He may sup with them 
 and they with Him — then indeed may it be said, 
 " Salvation is come to that house." 
 
 My beloved friend, Louisa Strangman, and I took 
 each other in marriage on the 9th of Fourth Month, 
 1783, in a meeting for worship in Mountmellick, 
 after an engagement on my mind for her of about 
 eight years' continuance, which time had many deep 
 and trying exercises in it, the prospect at times 
 opening with clearness, and afterwards closing 
 and shutting the door of hope. I was favoured 
 with her company nearly twenty-three years, much 
 to my comfort and consolation. When, under the 
 counsels of Heavenly wisdom, and in the Divine 
 fear, man and woman are united together and be- 
 come one in the Lord, baptized together and drink- 
 ing of the same cup that their Lord and Master 
 drank of, being of one heart and one mind, dedi- 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 87 
 
 cated to the Lord's service, helping one another 
 to obey His holy requirings without grudging — 
 these when they are brought together, it is by a 
 way they know not of, (neither the outward eye 
 nor judgment of man can comprehend it), and 
 walking by that faith which is the evidence of 
 what they do not see outwardly, the end thereof 
 is peace. 
 
 [Previous to his marriage he received the follow- 
 ing letter from T. Greer : — ] 
 
 From Thomas Greer to John Conran. 
 Dungannon, Third Month 20th, 1783. 
 
 Dear Friend, 
 
 I have repeatedly turned over thy request to be 
 at Mountmellick next Fourth-day week, but do not 
 find that I can make it convenient with regard to 
 matters of duty, which I see no way of putting by. 
 Do not, however, thence conclude it is for want of 
 affectionate regard either to thee or Louisa. I have 
 long loved her with that love which is pure and un- 
 mixed, and it would I think be a pleasing matter to 
 be present at the solemnization of your marriage ; 
 I trust you will be favoured with the company of 
 the Master, and then it matters not how few disci- 
 ples attend, as the wine will doubtless be good and 
 
88 THE LIFE OF 
 
 accompanied with a blessing, although it may be 
 pronounced in silence. 
 
 This roll, which I have at times been eating of 
 for some considerable time past, begins to grow 
 bitter in the inner parts; I have pleaded and 
 pleaded again mine unfitness, and have turned the 
 fleece upon it more frequently than we are informed 
 Gideon did upon his commission, yet find no release 
 therefrom ; I have therefore in my own mind given 
 up thereunto, and at times feel a wish to be gone. 
 I have looked as closely as I am capable of, as to 
 the time and place of taking shipping, and seem 
 easiest at the thoughts of stealing away through 
 Scotland, without previous sound of trumpet or 
 other signal of important embassy ; and it looks as 
 if I must turn out all alone, like another scape-goat, 
 bearing my own burthen of infirmities, as well as 
 those of the people where my lot may be cast : but 
 this I through mercy know, that He who sends 
 forth into the harvest is faithful, and will neither 
 beget nor bring to the birth without giving power 
 to bring forth ; and upon this arm of Almighty 
 power I desire that my trust may for ever be for 
 fresh supplies of strength and wisdom. 
 
 The dispensation we are under is a glorious one, 
 but the time and season appears to be very peril- 
 ous — this last arises from the present state of the 
 churches ; the great part of the people are chil- 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 89 
 
 dren of tradition, and many of the few that appear 
 to be somewhat, have either clothed themselves with 
 an outside appearance,or are led away thereby, inso- 
 much that RacheVs voice may everywhere be heard, 
 by those who have ears to hear and hearts to feel 
 for her. But what will unprofitable bemoaning avail? 
 I believe it to be the mind of the great and good 
 Master that the camp should be searched as with 
 fresh-lighted candles, that every false covering may 
 be seen, and every covering short of His Spirit be 
 brought to judgment ; may He in mercy to His 
 church and people yet fit and qualify for this ser- 
 vice, and send forth fishers to fish, and hunters to 
 hunt the people home in their minds to that Divine 
 principle of saving grace, which alone can bring 
 salvation to their houses, and give them to see in 
 the unerring glass of Truth the deformity of pro- 
 fession without possession, and of form without 
 power. Then would the language of lamentation 
 cease, and the poor baptized messengers' sorrows 
 would be turned into gladness of heart. My pen 
 has run on in some sort unwittingly into some 
 strokes which I had no view of when I sat down, 
 but I seem free in thus communing a little with 
 thee, and I may add that of late it is rather rare 
 that I feel an openness to commune so with any ; 
 notwithstanding my thoughts have been as much 
 (if not more) engaged about these things as in any 
 
90 THE LIFE OF 
 
 part of my life ; but it has been my lot to feel 
 and suffer very much in private, having been 
 almost cut off (in my own apprehension) from the 
 sympathy of others, and this I conceive to be for 
 some good purpose, which in the end will be mani- 
 fested, and we must learn to wait in patience for 
 the fulness of time in all things. 
 
 Our men's meeting is to be held next Fourth-day ; 
 if my feelings of duty continue I propose then lay- 
 ing my concern before that meeting, in order to my 
 obtaining a certificate to be addressed to friends of 
 such counties in Britain as it may concern. Al- 
 though I think I feel heavier than I did any of the 
 former four times I have been engaged in visiting 
 meetings in that land, I do not see the extent of my 
 intended visit ; but see enough, and clear enough, 
 to draw me from home, and feel a wish to take a 
 range of meetings in the northern counties before 
 the Yearly Meeting comes on, and then feel my way 
 and follow the pointings of that Wisdom which is 
 profitable and best able to direct from step to step 
 therein. At the same time I fully expect my faith 
 will be proved from day to day, as I pass along in 
 the arduous warfare ; and what but conflicts can 
 the poor messengers expect whilst in this militant 
 state ? I am certain if we are upon the right foun- 
 dation it must be the case. I therefore look for my 
 share of them ; nor should we grow weary of suffer- 
 
JOHN CON RAN. 91 
 
 ing with the Seed, but with cheerful resignation 
 bear our respective parts of what may remain for 
 us to fill up of the sufferings of our holy and bles- 
 sed Helper, who rejoices in beholding the patient 
 resignation of His tribulated followers, and whose 
 holy Arm is underneath to support and preserve 
 above the waters. 
 
 Farewell : I feel a wish for thine and L.'s pre- 
 sent comfort and everlasting welfare, and that you 
 may be enabled, like Zacharias and Elizabeth, to 
 walk in all the commandments of the Lord blame- 
 less. My dear love to her, and accept the same 
 thyself from thy sincere friend, 
 
 Thomas Greer. 
 
 After we were married we attended the Half- 
 year's Meeting in Dublin ; and in the Seventh 
 Month I engaged in a family visit in Ballyhagen, 
 and had the company of two valuable elders. The 
 meeting at Ballyhagen I thought a very low time, 
 and once or twice I felt as if I should be altogether 
 a castaway from that Divine grace which had 
 visited me : yet, through the arising of Divine Life 
 in my heart, I was mercifully enabled to go forth in 
 a testimony to God's goodness, acquainting them 
 how discouraging the prospect was to me at first, to 
 visit a people that was peeled and scattered amongst 
 the people with whom they dwelt — that I remem- 
 
92 THE LIFE OF 
 
 bered the vision which the holy apostle formerly 
 had of the sheet which was let down from heaven, 
 knit at the four corners, which I compared to their 
 meeting which had been gathered by the wisdom 
 and power of God, and knit and enclosed by the 
 hedge of his Holy discipline ; but that I saw it was 
 filled with unclean beasts and the creeping things 
 of the earth — that I was very unwilling to proceed, 
 and refused to go as long as I dare ; still the mar- 
 vellous loving-kindness of Divine mercy continued 
 to call, saying, " Arise, Peter, slay and eat" — slay 
 those things with the sword of my Spirit, or there 
 is no eating for those servants who do not obey the 
 command of their Lord ! We had three sittings 
 with near a hundred who were not in unity, wherein 
 my service opened beyond my expectation, having 
 to feel great poverty and weakness, yet experienced 
 Divine mercy extended to be unto me mouth and 
 wisdom, tongue and utterance, to show this class 
 the great loss they have sustained by going out of 
 the garden enclosed, and thereby losing the 
 heavenly fellowship of Christ's blessed Spirit who 
 called those (by His Spirit), that 4 had their spiritual 
 dwellings in this enclosure, His sister and spouse, 
 &c. In our proceeding through the families, the 
 first five of the Quarterly Meeting queries were 
 generally read and answered, which brought forth 
 some suitable and close remarks, and I thought 
 was of considerable service. 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 93 
 
 There appears to be a great deficiency in the 
 attendance of meetings, and ignorance among too 
 many of the principles they profess, as well as very 
 great rawness in religion. They seemed to receive 
 the word of exhortation affectionately and patiently, 
 and I thought there was a degree of fresh visitation 
 afforded to some, if they will on their parts abide 
 under it. As I passed on in this service, I thought 
 it one of the most useful parts of our religious dis- 
 cipline, when suitably performed, waiting in the 
 families upon the opening of that Divine counsel 
 which is profitable for all things, and shows to them 
 as it were their natural face in a glass ; which, after 
 they have been favoured to see, too many go away and 
 straightway forget what manner of men they are. 
 It seemed as if darkness had covered the earth, and 
 gross darkness the hearts of this high professing 
 people. I was more enlarged in this visit than I 
 had been before, and often admired how I was some- 
 times led to speak, having close doctrine to drop to 
 the lukewarm, the indifferent, the outside professor, 
 the negligent, and those who forget that Hand which 
 made them, as it were, days without number ; and 
 had in gospel love to call to such as were resting in 
 a name to live, yet were dead as to the life and sub- 
 stance of true religion, to come home to that true 
 rest which is prepared for the righteous, and them 
 only. Upon the whole, I believe the service was 
 
94 THE LIFE OF 
 
 owned at times by the Great Master of our assem- 
 blies, who was pleased to help us with a little help 
 under trying painful baptisms, in which we had to 
 visit the precious holy seed of life, which was often- 
 times to be found in a state of bondage and oppres- 
 sion. Yet we were favoured to feel the Son of 
 peace to be in some of these poor dwellings, and 
 then we had to salute that house in peace. I was 
 glad I was there, though I went forth very much 
 in the cross, and in poverty, having very seldom 
 for three months before opened my mouth in public 
 testimony. But it is well for that servant whom his 
 Master finds watching when he cometh, He will 
 make him ruler over His household ; and it must 
 be in His authority we rule if we ever are of any 
 real service in His family. I was favoured to re- 
 turn with a sheaf, and had to look back and believe 
 that I had left nothing undone which I apprehended 
 I should do : the praise is to that holy and great 
 Being to whom the work belongs, and it is His 
 works only which can praise Him ! Amen ! 
 
 Having felt a concern for some months to pay a 
 religious visit to Friends' families in Ballinderry 
 meeting, and obtaining the approbation of our meet- 
 ing, and my dear friend, James Christy, the elder, 
 joining me in it, we set out on the 8th of the Tenth 
 Month, 1783, and in the course of our visit had two 
 meetings with between forty and fifty persons not 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 95 
 
 in membership. We had some very painful bap- 
 tisms, some of the most stripping times I had met 
 with of late, among dry formalists ; but we were 
 favoured to get through the service in peace. 
 
 In this year of my marriage I had thought to get 
 leave to stay at home and attend all the meetings as 
 they fell in course, which I think we always did 
 when health permitted, for my dear wife was as 
 zealously concerned, if not more so than I was ; 
 [but] I felt an engagement on my mind to visit the 
 families of Friends in Lurgan and Moyallen meet- 
 ings, and afterwards those of Coothill and Oldcastle 
 meetings, which I proceeded in, accompanied by my 
 friend, James Christy. I thought this visit was 
 favoured with a degree of openness towards some 
 young people, but it appeared there was not much 
 help to be expected from their elders, who were too 
 much engaged in their worldly concerns. At Old- 
 castle there was more order and regularity pre- 
 served ; meetings are kept up, and the testimonies 
 supported ; nevertheless, there appears to be too 
 much of sitting down at ease, and not enough of 
 making use of the time and talent to the praise of 
 Him who gave it. I was mercifully favoured to 
 reach my own habitation with the evidence of peace 
 in my bosom, and found my dear wife well, who 
 soon after gave birth to a son. 
 
 I had no more engagements from home during the 
 
96 THE LIFE OF 
 
 remainder of this year, but attended on my outward 
 concerns, (with meetings as they came in course,) 
 for as Solomon said, "there is a time for every pur- 
 pose under heaven; 5 ' our great and good Master 
 knows what things we stand in need of, and leaves 
 us at liberty at times, with his blessing, to procure 
 them ; as the apostle declared his own hands had 
 ministered to his necessities. 
 
 In looking over some memorandums of my la- 
 bours in the ministry, I must acknowledge I have 
 been only an unprofitable servant, and have nothing 
 to trust to for the hope of a blessed immortality 
 but the mercies of God in Christ Jesus, who was 
 the Author, and I humbly trust and hope will be 
 the Finisher of my faith. 
 
 From Christiana Hustler to John Cokbajt. 
 
 Ayton, Math Month 18th, 1784. 
 
 Dear Friend, 
 
 I have often wished to salute thee and thy dear L. 
 by a few lines, since you have been united by those 
 outward ties which, I think you both know, I had 
 beheld in prospect, as believing them to be in the 
 pointing of Best Wisdom for you both, and there- 
 fore felt myself nearly interested in the completion 
 of. I have felt thus drawn not only as bound in 
 gratitude to acknowledge the many evidences re- 
 ceived, both when present with thee and since my 
 
JOHN CONEAN. 97 
 
 return from your land, of thy kind attention and 
 remembrance, but also as expressive of my continued 
 sisterly regard and affection, which I feel to remain 
 a debt due to you. I have often with great near- 
 ness beheld you comfortably settled, and I believe 
 in your right allotment, and where I have no doubt 
 of your mutually strengthening each other's hands, 
 as you stand in that allotment Divine Wisdom has 
 placed you in, and under the sense of that unmerited 
 mercy and parental care so graciously continued, 
 still adopting with feeling energy, that becoming 
 and needful language, " What shall I render to thee 
 for all thy mercies, Oh ! thou Preserver of men ?" 
 
 Well, my dear friends, may you and I ever be 
 enabled to press forward (leaving the things that 
 are behind) towards the mark, for the prize set 
 before us, however arduous and tribulated the 
 path ; that neither heights nor depths, principa- 
 lities nor powers, things present, nor yet to come, 
 may ever be able to separate us from that love 
 which we have been mercifully enabled in days 
 past to prefer to all things visible ; and may we be 
 enough engaged so to run as that we may obtain, 
 is the principal desire of my mind, I think I may 
 truly say, at this time. 
 
 I have often, dear friend, been afraid thou 
 shouldest construe my silence, so long continued, 
 into an unkind return for thy part of a correspon- 
 7 
 
98 THE LIFE OP 
 
 dence which, however undeserving I may appear to 
 be of, has been greatly valued by me, and which 
 nothing but the deep poverty that has been the 
 almost unvaried clothing of my spirit, and has 
 hitherto discouraged from prosecuting many at- 
 tempts already made, would have hindered thy re- 
 ceiving ample testimonials of long ere this. And 
 though at present I can by no means boast of better 
 things, yet as I am often afresh convinced of the 
 loss I sustain by giving way to these feelings, I wish 
 to break through by telling thee how acceptable a 
 letter from thee would be, to tell me how you are, 
 and how your dear child comes on; I think if I 
 could convey myself for one hour to thy house, to 
 thy little room, to see you together, and to con- 
 verse and have sweet fellowship, as in days past, 
 it would feel comfortable. 
 
 As to myself, and my own movements, I have 
 little to say, having seldom to my own feelings 
 been able to keep my head above water : I am at 
 present with our valuable friend Rebecca Jones, 
 who came over with Thomas Ross and Mehetabel 
 Jenkins (now in your land,) and divers other 
 Friends, a little before the last Yearly Meeting, 
 where believing it right for myself to be, and she 
 willing to accept of my company down into the 
 north, we came to the Quarterly (or what are called 
 the Yearly) Meetings at Colchester, Woodbridge, 
 
 
JOHN C ONE AN. 99 
 
 and Norwich, taking the meetings in the way, and 
 after them most of those in Norfolk, Lincolnshire, 
 and Yorkshire. — And now, with an earnest request 
 that thou wilt again let me hear from thee, I must 
 for the present bid thee dearly farewell, and with 
 the affectionate salutation of my best love to thy 
 whole self, remain your assured, though poor friend, 
 Christiana Hustler. 
 
 P.S. My late companion Phebe Marshall, is 
 married to a Friend of Leeds meeting, whose 
 name is James Blakes, I hope suitably. 
 
 Twelfth Month 6th. — Since writing the above, we 
 attended our autumn Quarterly Meeting, proceed- 
 ing pretty directly from thence into the counties of 
 Durham, Northumberland, and through Scotland as 
 far as Old Meldrum, returning last Seventh-day to 
 this place (Whitehaven,) and hope to reach our 
 Quarterly Meeting at Leeds the latter end of this 
 month. Our friend John Hall, at whose house we 
 lodged two nights, desired to be affectionately re- 
 membered to thee, and that I will inform thee he 
 received an acceptable letter from thee at Birming- 
 ham, which he intends to answer shortly. He with 
 my companion are both bravely, as was Rebecca 
 Wright, whom we passed on her way to Scotland, 
 accompanied by Martha Routh. Patience Brayton 
 is I expect now in or near Cornwall, Samuel Emlen 
 
100 THE LIFE OF 
 
 and George Dillwyn and his wife in London, and by 
 letters received, our worthy friend Robert Valentine 
 is safely arrived in his own land before their Yearly 
 Meeting in the Ninth Month which will be, and has 
 been cause of joy, no doubt to his friends as well 
 as himself. Once more farewell. C. H 
 
 [It appears that Rebecca Jones visited Ireland 
 in the ensuing year, no mention is made of her 
 services in that nation by John Conran, but among 
 his memoranda a remarkable farewell testimony is 
 noted which she bore in a meeting at Dublin, in 
 these words, viz : " The Master said to me, * Thou 
 came poor among this people — thou hast sat 
 amongst them in much poverty — be content to 
 leave them in much poverty — I have taken the 
 crown from off their heads — let them wear dust 
 and ashes my appointed time, then shall my light 
 break forth as brightness, and I will be to them a 
 crown of glory and a diadem of beauty. ' " 
 
 It is believed the following is the letter referred 
 to by C. Hustler.] 
 
 To John Conran. 
 Dear Friend, 
 Thou hast often been brought near to my mind, 
 in that love which distance does not wear out, and 
 I have often felt desires for thy preservation, for we 
 
JOHN CONE AN. 101 
 
 serve a good Master, and I can in humble thankful- 
 ness say, "that His mercies to us have been more 
 than the hairs of our heads. " I have tasted many- 
 bitter cups since I saw thee, but have often had to 
 rejoice in humble thankfulness, that I have been 
 brought to that state of resignation, wherein I could 
 adopt the language, " I thank thee, oh ! Father ! 
 may this cup pass from me, yet nevertheless not 
 my will but thine be done, oh ! God ! " I believe it 
 is good and also profitable for us experimentally to 
 know and feel His w T ill to be our sanctification ; for 
 we poor creatures have a deal of dross in us, and it 
 is only by feeling [and submitting to] the furnace, 
 made hotter and hotter, that the dross is separated 
 from the pure gold, which loses nothing of its 
 weight and value by being thus refined, but has this 
 excellency in it, that it is more fit to receive the 
 Heavenly image or inscription, that of " Holiness 
 tin to the Lord." I desire, while I am writing, that 
 I may never forget the wormwood and the gall. 
 In much affection and regard, I am thy loving 
 
 friend, 
 
 John Hall. 
 
102 THE LIFE OF 
 
 CHAPTER IT. 
 
 1TS6. RELIGIOUS SERVICES IX TESTER PROVINCE 
 
 — AND HI CARLOW MEETING DEATH OF HIS 
 
 DAUGHTER — VISITS THE MEETINGS IN MUNSTER 
 PROVINCE — ILLNESS AND DEATH OF HIS WIFE 
 — RETURN INTO MUNSTER. 
 
 Tlie 1st of First Month. 1780, I ser out under 
 concern to pay a religious visit [again] to the fami- 
 lies of Friends in Ballyhagan meeting : the weather 
 was very severe with frost and snow roost of the 
 time, but as I apprehended I saw no other time 
 open to proceed in it. I went forward, and had as 
 before besides the sittings in the families, several 
 meetings with about ISO persons not in membership. 
 I found the life of religion to be low, — the form, 
 which many res: in. too much neglected by others, — 
 the plain language not kept to. — and a very general 
 deficiency of attending week-day meetings, and 
 First-day meetings by some: the sittings in the fam- 
 ilies were exercising, and the spring of the minis :ry 
 low. yet at times we were favoured with the arising 
 of Life when least expected — the lost sheep were 
 sought after, and a renewed call and visitation 
 extended to them, inviting them to the Father's 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 103 
 
 house where there is bread enough and to spare ; 
 but if they still continued to resist and rebel against 
 the gracious invitations of Divine Mercy, that others 
 would be called in, and fill their places at the Lord's 
 table. 
 
 In the Eighth Month I paid a religious visit to 
 the families of Friends in Charlemont meeting, 
 under feelings of dear and heart-tendering love for 
 them, and having been helped to perform the same, 
 returned home with longing desires for their growth 
 and establishment in the love of God through 
 Christ Jesus. 
 
 In 1788, I felt the drawings of [Gospel] love in 
 my mind to visit the families of Friends of Carlow 
 Monthly Meeting, and was accompanied therein 
 by my friend Richard Shackleton. 
 
 In the meeting for discipline of the National 
 Meeting in the Fifth Month this year, I felt a 
 secret requiring in my mind to consent to my dear 
 wife going to the ensuing Yearly Meeting in 
 London, to which I readily yielded, and it was 
 very much to her satisfaction. She was there 
 afterwards several times, when I accompanied her, 
 always I may say to my edification and comfort ; 
 being at times, on these occasions, made sensible 
 that the Lord was still with Zion, and that the 
 shout of a King was heard in her, which helped to 
 confirm me in the faith in which I had believed — 
 blessed be His holy name ! 
 
104 THE LIFE OF 
 
 [No memoranda occur during the next seventeen 
 years, in which interval he lost his beloved and 
 only daughter ; soon after this afflicting event he 
 received the following letter of condolence from 
 his friend Gervase Johnson, who was then travel- 
 ling in the work of the ministry in America.] 
 
 From Gervase Johnson to John Coxran. 
 New York, Fifth Month 23d, 1799. 
 
 Dear Friend, 
 
 I received a letter last evening from a beloved 
 friend, of the land that thou resides in, giving an 
 account that thy dear and only daughter is deceased, 
 and as I have thought it to be a great outward trial 
 to thee and thy beloved wife, I desire to sympathize 
 with you, my dear friends, in your trouble ; but 
 knowing that the Lord giveth and taketh away at 
 His own good pleasure, I hope that you both are 
 reconciled, and contented with His Divine will, and 
 in your experience in being thus resigned, to give 
 her up to the disposal of her heavenly Father, you 
 will feel your bitter trials to be sweetened, which I 
 doubt not is your comfortable experience. Oh ! my 
 dear friends, knowing that all things will be parted 
 from us, or we from them, is great teaching to us, 
 that our sure happiness is in the great Giver of all 
 good gifts, by loving, fearing, and serving Him : 
 under these considerations I feel the encouraging 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 105 
 
 language to arise in my heart on your accounts, 
 that although many are the trials of the righteous, 
 the Lord in His own time delivereth out of them 
 all, and if they faint not, they will receive an in- 
 heritance where all sorrow and tears will be done 
 away. In my writing to thee, my dear friend, in 
 thy tried situation, it is brought to my remem- 
 brance, thy sympathizing brotherly regard for me 
 in my deep trials, when about setting out on this 
 trying journey, thy feeling sympathy on that im- 
 portant occasion, I hope I shall never forget. 
 
 Farewell, my beloved friend, my love is to thee, 
 and thy dear wife, and son, and to all inquiring 
 friends, and I am thy friend, 
 
 Gervase Johnson. 
 
 P.S. — This Yearly Meeting comes on the 28th 
 inst., after it is over I have thought of going to- 
 wards New England. 
 
 [The reader is referred to the Memorials of 
 Rebecca Jones, p. 279, for an interesting allusion 
 to Gervase Johnson.] 
 
 From Sarah Grubb to John Conran. 
 
 Aimer Mills, Second Month, 26th, 1801. 
 
 My dear Cousin, 
 I am inclined to salute thee and my beloved 
 Louisa, hoping that I am not wholly kept out of your 
 remembrance in love, for I can aver that I love you, 
 
106 THE LIFE OF 
 
 and often visit you in your affliction with tie best 
 desires my feeble mind can aspirate. I feel re- 
 newedly for you on the approaching Quarterly 
 Meeting — oh ! what a time for the most approved ! 
 how hard to steer faultless ! and yet under the ban- 
 ners of the Captain of the soul's salvation, con- 
 quest is gained over evil in all its intricacies. 
 Nothing has yet happened that can make us du- 
 bious ; the Lamb and His followers, will have the 
 victory ; the point is to be His followers, and then 
 all the fiery darts of the wicked one shall fail. A 
 sore trial has come on the church, and it behoves 
 all who wish the restoration of good order, to take 
 strait steps, for there is not a disposition to feel 
 compunction at cutting off the skirt of the robe of 
 the anointed ; the language may well be uttered, 
 " Rejoice not against me, mine enemy," and I 
 trust some tried depreciated ones may say, " When 
 I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto 
 me," &c. Quietness seems one of the best weapons 
 of defence, not a withholding through fear of man, 
 but a watching unto prayer, that nothing may be 
 attempted without the ability that cannot be foiled; 
 great must be the suffering of the honest-hearted, 
 but if it tend to deepen, if it awaken to righteous- 
 ness, we may hope it will work for good, to those 
 who hold fast the form of sound words, and are not 
 shaken in mind, and that the dear people who stray 
 from the fold, may be brought to see their error.. 
 
JOHN CON RAN. 107 
 
 I am comforted for your sakes,that the dear Scotch 
 women Friends are with you, we think Elizabeth 
 [Wigham] a well-instructed scribe, and her precious 
 
 B , walking in the same safe path. By letter 
 
 from Moate, we find you are also to have dear M. S. 
 and S. W.; the best wishes I am capable of attend 
 you all — that nothing may be able to take you from 
 under the sanctifying power of Truth, nor dismay 
 you from espousing its cause, when favoured with the 
 qualification. Probably you may have heard that 
 at our Quarterly Meeting, a hope was raised that 
 the Society of Friends was not yet forsaken, that 
 continued mercy was extended for its members to 
 walk acceptably, it was a memorable time. Dear 
 Mary Dudley has been mostly confined since ; 
 Richard Jordan is now in our province, and we are 
 daily expecting Samuel Smith. I apprehend Mary 
 Ridgeway is shortly to be in London, in the course 
 of her service. Sarah Lynes has had the concur- 
 rence of her Monthly Meeting to hold public meet- 
 ings in Friends' meeting houses about London. 
 Mortality awfully visits many of our dear friends 
 and acquaintance : we miss the sweet spirit of my 
 sister Grubb, she died as she lived, an example of 
 meekness, suffered conflict by the apprehension 
 of omitted duty, but cast herself on the mercy of 
 Providence. 
 
 S.G. 
 
108 THE LIFE OF 
 
 Ninth Month Qth, 1805.— I left home under a 
 concern which had attended my mind, to visit 
 Friends in Munster province, and some parts of 
 Leinster, and arrived in Waterford on the 14th. 
 Next day I attended the fore and afternoon meet- 
 ings there, under great discouragement and bodily 
 weakness, having with much difficulty reached the 
 city ; but was enabled through Divine favour to an- 
 swer the service required of me in both meetings, 
 to my own peace and solid satisfaction. [After per- 
 forming the service required of him in those pro- 
 vinces, he says,] In this visit I had to pass through 
 many baptizing exercises, the state of the church 
 being very low in sundry places ; the cares of this 
 world, and the eager pursuit after the lawful things 
 of it, have, I fear, blinded the eyes of many, so that 
 they make excuses that they cannot accept the invi- 
 tations which have been so frequently held out by 
 the servants, saying, "Behold all things are ready !" 
 In some of these mortifying labours, wherein the 
 creaturely part was humbled, I had peace. When 
 I got to Mountmellick on the 12th of Tenth Month, 
 I expected to have gone by Rathangan to Dublin, 
 and home : but there I felt a fresh exercise on my 
 mind drawing me to attend the Quarterly Meeting 
 at Waterford, and after two days weighing it I gave 
 up to the requiring, believing it was from the Lord ; 
 and in that meeting, [especially] in the meetings of 
 
JOHN CONBAN. 109 
 
 discipline and select meeting, I felt my mind much 
 engaged in the service of them, which afforded me 
 peace, and I left that city with a comfortable hope 
 that I had been in my place there. 
 
 In passing through the county of Wexford my 
 covering was deep poverty, except at Enniscorthy 
 where I felt some openness, principally to strangers, 
 to whom my spirit was drawn in much love, which 
 I believe proceeded from Him who is love, to salute 
 them and invite them to come and partake of the 
 dainties of His table. As I travelled on, my mind 
 sometimes looked towards home, but I could not 
 feel any thing but a deep baptizing exercise of 
 trouble, which at those times sunk my spirits greatly ; 
 I endeavoured to support myself under these con- 
 flicts with the impression, that I had not lightly 
 undertaken this journey, having had it on my mind 
 about fourteen months or more, and I went on it 
 in the faith and full belief it was necessary I should 
 not hold back any longer. 
 
 I sat three meetings in Dublin silent, and since 
 to this date have only spoken in testimony once. 
 My spirit feels forsaken, ashes are on my head 
 spiritually, feeling myself made inwardly sensible, 
 that I am altogether unworthy and unfit to speak 
 in the name of the Lord, almost saying with Moses, 
 "Send by whom thou wilt send,'' for I neither 
 desire, nor can I go ; and in this disposition I re- 
 joice that I am set at liberty from dealing any 
 
110 THE LIFE OF 
 
 more with a people whose ears are dull of hear- 
 ing — eyes they have, but they see not the beauty 
 there is in the Truth — hearts they have, but they 
 understand not the things which concern their 
 everlasting peace ! May the Lord in His gracious 
 condescending mercy, once more say to His people, 
 Arise, and shake yourselves from the dust of the 
 earth, and put on thy beautiful garments, Oh ! 
 Jerusalem ; that Zion may once more become the 
 praise of the whole earth, that she may again travail 
 and bring forth children, to the praise of the great 
 Name!— Twelfth Month 19th, 1805. 
 
 I travelled home the 5th of the Eleventh Month 
 from the above journey, and found my dear wife in 
 a very low way and poor state of health, and her 
 disorder increasing rapidly. She continued to sink 
 until the 4th of Twelfth Month, when she quietly 
 departed, and I trust, has obtained a mansion in her 
 heavenly Fathers's house, which I believe she faith- 
 fully laboured for from the age of about fifteen 
 years. At that early age, I have heard, she showed 
 marks of Divine visitation, and giving up to the 
 heavenly vision, she was enabled thereby to order 
 her conversation in such a circumspect manner, as to 
 be a good example to the youth who were cotempo- 
 rary with her ; her presence among them kept down 
 all levity without using any austere remonstrances, 
 or giving such advice as seemed to claim superiority 
 over them* She [thus in the morning of life] 
 
JOHN CONRAN. Ill 
 
 preached the cross to the beloved youth, by daily 
 taking of it up, and praised her Lord and Master, as 
 being worthy of being obeyed, by obeying Him. 
 Her company was sought by her elders, who saw 
 in her that wisdom was not confined to grey hairs, 
 nor an unspotted life to old age ; for she mani- 
 fested, that by an early and faithful dedication to 
 the operation of the Divine grace in her heart, both 
 might be shown forth, in a conversation evidently 
 coupled with the fear and love of God, to the com- 
 fort and consolation of many Friends who were 
 her intimates. The first time I saw her, which was 
 at a funeral at Dublin, her appearance to me was 
 that of a disciple of Christ. I was then under the 
 discipline of the cross, having been united to the 
 Lord's church and family about two years. 
 
 [After we were married] she proved to me a 
 faithful and exercised companion in many tribula- 
 tions, the worst of which was from false brethren ; 
 and being a woman of an excellent and discerning 
 spirit, was made useful to me in advice and counsel, 
 having the qualification and being in the station 
 of an elder in the church ; which gift she exercised 
 in this Quarterly Meeting oftentimes in great 
 weakness and fear, being not only modest in ex- 
 ercising her talent, but also diffident, preferring 
 others to herself. Poverty was very often the cover- 
 ing of her spirit, but it had a blessing with it, for 
 
112 THE LIFE OP 
 
 she was of much use, and had great pi ace hereaway, 
 so that her removal is deeply regretted by the few 
 who are well concerned in this quarter. I may say 
 she was faithful in her attendance of meetings, both 
 at home and the Yearly and Half- Year's Meetings in 
 Dublin, where her value was acknowledged by her 
 sisters sometimes choosing her as clerk. She was 
 four times at the Yearly Meeting in London ; the 
 first time she acted as assistant-clerk, which made 
 her acquainted with many valuable Friends in that 
 nation, whose friendship and sympathy she obtained. 
 The last Monthly Meeting she attended was in 
 company with three Friends from England,who were 
 travelling in Truth's service, when I was from home, 
 one of whom, I was told, jn the Women's Meeting, 
 bore testimony that there was one present whose 
 day's work was over — that He who had been 
 her morning light would become her evening 
 song — that there was a mansion prepared for 
 her, and that her rest would be glorious. When 
 her sickness in the beginning did not appear very 
 alarming, she, on waking from sleep once told 
 me she expected to die of that sickness, and that 
 she had had a secret intimation of it in that 
 sleep. From that time she turned her thoughts 
 heavenward, and was very frequent in supplica- 
 tion that the Lord would look upon her in mercy. 
 She at one time expressed her unqualified belief 
 in the Divine Nature of Jesus Christ, through 
 
JOHN CONEAN. 113 
 
 whom she expected remission of sins. She said the 
 principles of Friends were the principles of Truth, 
 that she always believed in them, and was willing to 
 lay down her life for the testimony of Jesus. After 
 she had been silent for many hours, and I scarcely 
 expected she would speak again, I heard her saying 
 in a low voice, " Who is this great enemy that sur- 
 rounds me ? (meaning death, I believe,) Christ will 
 overcome him." She called up her maid-servants 
 and gave them excellent advice to the tendering of 
 their hearts, desiring them to make truth and 
 honesty their guide ; she prayed fervently for me 
 and her son, who was present, advised him to be 
 affectionate and dutiful to me, and that when I 
 looked on him I should remember her. She desired 
 to be remembered to sundry Friends, and said that 
 she loved every one. Thus was this beloved partner 
 taken from me, after living in sweet fellowship up- 
 wards of twenty-two years. Many times I was 
 bowed in humble thankfulness to the great and 
 good Giver of this first of earthly blessings I had 
 received at His merciful hands. I sensibly feel the 
 loss I have of her sweet society, but this is in degree 
 compensated for by the lively hope I have, that it is 
 her everlasting gain. As I stood at the grave my 
 spirit felt clothed with such serenity and stillness, 
 that my sorrow ceased and resignation took up the 
 place of it ; and though there was not any public 
 8 
 
114 THE LIFE OF 
 
 testimony borne, yet the sweet peace that was felt 
 was more encouraging than words. Her remains 
 were interred in Friends' burying-ground, at Lis- 
 burn, the 6th of Twelfth Month, 1805, aged fifty 
 years and eight months, 
 
 From S. G-rubb to John Conran, on occasion 
 
 OF THE DEATH OF HIS WIFE. 
 
 Anner Mills, Twelfth Month 11th, 1805. 
 My Dear Cousin, 
 I am obliged and consoled by thy letter of the 
 7th inst. It is a great favour to feel an anchor to 
 the soul under such circumstances as thine, and it 
 seems a beatitude of the Divine Being to sustain 
 when he sees meet to deprive us of our dearest ties. 
 I have found him near to me at such junctures, 
 and have traced it in many instances, but like other 
 beams of sunshine, it withdraws after a season, and 
 then we feel our stripped state, which would be 
 insupportable, but for the recollection that the ever- 
 lasting Arm had been underneath. Thou wilt, my 
 dear cousin, have frequent necessity to take this 
 retrospect, and to supplicate for a continuance of 
 sustaining help ; for theendearingness of her whom 
 thou hast been deprived of will often break in upon 
 thy solitary mind ; thou wilt miss her as Lady 
 Rachel Russell said of her husband, " sleeping, 
 waking, walking, at meals/' and in divers other 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 115 
 
 ways : so that all will seem insipid without her. I 
 had no doubt she would die the death of the righ- 
 teous, and that her latter end would be like theirs. 
 I believe she was a nursing mother to many. I 
 wish thy desire for us, who must follow, may be 
 brought into effect ; I have many and well grounded 
 fears for myself, it often seems as if nothing but a 
 miraculous interference could rescue me from the 
 accuser of the brethren. I trust thou feels peace- 
 ful in the winding up of thy service in this province ; 
 it must have consoled thy dear wife that thou yielded 
 obedience to that requiring ; I thought thou seemed 
 preserved in a humble state of mind, may it be the 
 covering of thy spirit to the end of time ! 
 
 I am thy sincere friend, 
 
 S. GrKUBB. 
 
 Tenth Month 8th, 1807.— I left home for the 
 Quarterly Meeting at Waterford. 
 
 11th. — First-day morning meeting was a very 
 low season to me ; the state of the Jewish church, 
 in the time of Nicodemus, was opened before me, 
 who, though a master in Israel, and a ruler among 
 the Jews, appeared to know nothing of the spiritual 
 doctrine of regeneration, though perhaps well in- 
 structed in the questions and traditions of his 
 church ; this may be the state of too many amongst 
 us, who have heard by the ear, and their fathers 
 
116 THE LIFE OF 
 
 have declared to them the truths of the Gospel, yet 
 if they do not experience the new birth in them- 
 selves, and hear and obey the voice of Christ, they 
 are standing on the same foundation this ruler was, 
 and cannot clearly comprehend the meaning and 
 intent of this doctrine no more than he could. 
 
 The Quarterly Meeting was held the 17th, 18th, 
 and 19th, they were seasons of trial to me, being 
 under a burden which I was unable to lay down. 
 
 20th. — Meeting for worship at parting : I felt a 
 clesire to stay over the week-day meeting, and 
 afterwards to go to Clonmel to be at their meet- 
 ings on First-day. 
 
 25th. — At Clonmel, the evening meeting was to 
 me a cloudy and low time, but a little opening 
 appearing, I was enabled to show that the form 
 did not entitle us to be children of the promise, 
 though we may call Abraham our father ; I had also 
 to call to the worldly-minded, &c, and was favoured 
 with liberty in this meeting to my comfort. This 
 day I felt a pointing in my mind to stay over the 
 Monthly Meeting here next Fifth-day ; these inti- 
 mations can only be compared to holding forth a 
 finger to a distant object, yet I am afraid but to 
 acknowledge them, and when fulfilled they afford 
 
 peace. 
 
 29th. — Monthly Meeting, a low time to me ; I sat 
 in silence in the first meeting, and had one observa- 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 117 
 
 tion to make, on a case before the meeting, whether 
 Friends should receive a written acknowledgment 
 from a person who had taken an oath, which he 
 condemned as inconsistent with our discipline, and 
 against the spirit of the Grospel — a Friend thought 
 it was not full enough : I remarked, that when 
 the prodigal remembered his father's house, his 
 father went forth to meet him and brought him 
 in ; I felt tenderness to cover my mind, and was 
 fearful the band which united him to the Society 
 would snap if strained much tighter. 
 
 On reaching home on the 9th of Eleventh 
 Month, I felt peace and satisfaction from this 
 journey. When I was in Waterford, I felt at 
 times as if I should be obliged to enter on a family 
 visit there, which very much humbled me in view- 
 ing the weight of the service and feeling my own 
 weakness, but through Divine favour it passed 
 away and I was easy. 
 
 From George Stacey to John Conran. 
 
 London, Twelfth Month, ISth, 1807. 
 
 Dear Friend, 
 
 The tender sympathy thou hast expressed in the 
 
 situation of our dear child demands that I should 
 
 not be long in acknowledging the receipt of thy 
 
 letter, and this I can do the more gratefully as we 
 
118 THE LIFE OF 
 
 are favoured with some appearance of convalescence. 
 For this prospect, and many other comforts and 
 enjoyments, we are strongly called upon to manifest 
 gratitude ; and I sometimes wish there was greater 
 prevalence of this quality felt and displayed — a 
 quality, which, when we consider our relative and 
 dependent situation, and the goodness of the all- 
 bounteous Source, ought to fill the mind ; but re- 
 flections like these are too often supplanted by the 
 proprietorship we assume in those very enjoyments 
 which the great Giver furnishes us with, and com- 
 placency in the gifts benumbs our perception of 
 what is due to Him that gave them. 
 
 We feel much with thee in thy bereft and soli- 
 tary situation, considering also that its poignancy 
 is not likely to be abated by the aids, which some 
 of us more favourably circumstanced derive, from 
 the intercourse of feeling minds ; yet He whom 
 thou lovest is omnipresent, and doubtless will ap- 
 portion of His consolations as He gives to partake 
 of trials, in such time and manner as shall ulti- 
 mately tend to the soul's revivement and happi- 
 ness : in holding this belief how much has the 
 traveller Zionward the advantage even in this life, 
 over him, whose hope perishes with time ! 
 
 We had heard, through the pen of James Abell 
 to one of our neighbours, of thy having paid an 
 acceptable visit to some of the southern meetings, 
 
JOHN CON KAN. 119 
 
 and we are glad to find from thyself that the re- 
 sult is peaceful. From thy silence respecting the 
 state of things in your province, I fear much of a 
 consolatory kind cannot be said. Have any of 
 those that withdrew found their way back, or is 
 any disposition manifested to come more into the 
 unity? If they could retrace their steps, and sub- 
 mit to be broken to pieces, they would perhaps be 
 bound up again so as to be brighter than ever ; but 
 this work of humiliation is hard to flesh and blood! 
 We had rather find an apology for our mis-steps 
 in the supposed conduct of others, than come under 
 that baptism which brings the sword upon all se- 
 cret corruptions and disloyalty. 
 
 My wife joins in endeared love with thy affec- 
 tionate friend, 
 
 George Stacey. 
 
 From John Conran to D. C. 
 
 Dear Friend, 
 
 Thou hast been frequently the subject of my 
 secret and serious meditations some years past, at a 
 time also when a larger share of intimacy subsisted 
 between us than has done of late : I beheld thee 
 as a servant who had been honoured and dignified 
 with a precious gift, or designed for usefulness and 
 service in the church, I mean as a nursing mother 
 in our Israel. His blessed eye, that is looking over 
 
120 THE LIFE OF 
 
 all His works, saw in that day the state of His 
 church in this quarter, to use the metaphor recorded 
 in Scripture on a similar occasion, " there was 
 neither sword nor spear among forty thousand in 
 Israel ! " The Lord's ways are not as our ways, 
 He employs secondary causes to bring about His 
 gracious purposes, and which bear the resemblance 
 of the usual means in human affairs. How often has 
 He made use of His holy ordinance of marriage, to 
 translate a living instrument from one quarter of 
 the vinyard to another, even from one nation to 
 another ; and often this translation has been a 
 means of raising them up, and qualifying them for 
 usefulness and service in their new destination, in 
 the wise ordering of Him who sleepeth not by day, 
 nor slumbereth by night. And although the mul- 
 titude, who are thus mercifully cared for, perceive 
 not this His fatherly regard ; yet He is thus, season 
 after season, watching over His flock, and delegat- 
 ing the shepherds, giving them a charge, as He did 
 to Peter formerly, to feed his sheep and his lambs, 
 if he loved Him ; happy indeed is that servant 
 whom his Master, when He cometh to take an ac- 
 count of His servants, shall find so doing ! 
 
 Now, my dear friend, I believe thy marriage was 
 of this nature ; natural affection was the outward 
 means to bring thee here, but I believe the Lord's 
 hand was underneath, to make use of thee, and 
 
JOHN CONBAN. 121 
 
 those talents He has entrusted thee with, for the 
 service of His family in this quarter. If we may 
 judge of great things by small, we may see with 
 His truly dedicated and devoted servants, that 
 almost every thought of their hearts is to be found 
 doing their heavenly Father's will, so I am per- 
 suaded the holy Head and High Priest of the 
 church is going to and fro, up and down, looking 
 after the wants and necessities of His family, and 
 affording them assistance one way or other. I have 
 been jealous over thee, I trust with a degree of 
 godly jealousy, [querying] how thou hast made use 
 of thy Lord's money. The unfaithful steward, 
 when under a sense of great poverty — to dig he 
 would not, and to beg he was ashamed — wisely 
 W T ent among his Lord's debtors, asking how much 
 they owed to their Lord ; mayest thou, my dear 
 friend, in much [sincerity] put the impartial query 
 to thyself, how much dost thou owe ? Talents are 
 not given to any of us to lay up or bury, but to 
 make use of to the praise of the Great Giver ; thy 
 candle has been lighted and placed on a candle- 
 stick, what for ? — that it might enlighten the house, 
 and show forth His praise. If it has done so it is 
 well — it is not for me to judge ; my concern at 
 present is to awaken an inquiry, and put thee in mind 
 that the hour is coming on thee and me, and per- 
 haps is nearer than we may expect, when we must 
 
122 THE LIFE OF 
 
 go forth and meet the Bridegroom ; and happy 
 will it be for those who shall be found ready to 
 enter in with Him, and receive the blessed sentence 
 of, " Well done, thou hast been faithful over the 
 little, thou shalt be made joyful in the house of 
 thy God!' ' 
 
 Farewell, with near and brotherly affection I 
 salute thee, 
 
 John Conran. 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 123 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 ATTENDS SUNDRY MEETINGS, FROM 1808 TO 1812 
 
 VISITS THE FAMILIES IN WATERFORD, CLONMEL, 
 AND CORK — VARIOUS EXERCISES AND SERVICES 
 AROUND HOME. 
 
 Fourth Month 23^, 1808.— I attended the 
 Yearly Meeting in Dublin : some of the Meetings 
 I think were overshadowed with solemnity, which 
 very much kept down the wisdom of man; a 
 large committee of men and women were appointed, 
 to consider the state of the Society as represented 
 by the answers to the queries, they had sundry 
 sittings, which were in general to satisfaction, and 
 the state of things was pretty fully opened. 
 
 Fourth Month, 1809.— I attended the Yearly 
 Meeting at Dublin as usual: the national com- 
 mittee produced some parts of the minutes of the 
 National Meeting of Ireland, which they had been 
 engaged in, to assimilate some of them to the 
 English minutes, and to revise, and if needful, to 
 abridge; that part which was finished was read 
 and approved, and desired to be used in the place 
 of all others. 
 
 I attended this year all the Quarterly Meetings 
 
124 THE LIFE E 
 
 in this province, and all our own Monthly Meetings, 
 and visited the families of Friends of Moyallen 
 meeting, in company with Thomas Shillitoe, and 
 William Neale of Mountrath meeting. 
 
 Fourth Month, 1810.— At the Yearly Meeting 
 in Dublin, the remaining minutes were read and 
 approved, and the whole ordered to be printed and 
 distributed to the several Monthly Meetings. A com- 
 mittee of men and women Friends were appointed 
 to consider the state of the several Quarterly Meet- 
 ings, which was taken up in a solid manner ; the 
 manyoutrunnings in marriage, especially among the 
 females, brought a lively concern over the committee 
 to endeavour to find a remedy against this evil, and 
 as it is most prevalent in the province of Ulster, 
 where the largest share of Friends are in low cir- 
 cumstances, it was proposed and agreed to raise a 
 fund through the nation, to be placed at the dis- 
 posal of a suitable committee of that province, to 
 encourage good conduct in the youth of both sexes, 
 by assisting such with a sum of money as their funds 
 will afford, on their entering into the engagements 
 of life, either in marriage or suitable business, as 
 the committee may think proper ; this was agreed 
 to, and an order sent to the different Quarterly 
 Meetings to put forward such a subscription. I 
 think we had cause to believe that some of our 
 sittings were Divinely owned ; also this committee, 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 125 
 
 in their care and concern for the body, and the 
 preservation of the discipline. 
 
 Sixth Month. — I attended the Quarterly Meet- 
 ing held at Richhill, and was very unwell with a 
 cold which deprived me of my voice, so that I con- 
 cluded that I could not speak intelligibly ; but in the 
 afternoon meeting I felt the word of life strong in 
 me to advocate several of our testimonies which the 
 worldly spirit calls singularities, but was enabled to 
 prove that they are consistent both with Scripture 
 and reason. The testimony [of Truth] was set 
 over these objectors, and the meeting concluded, 
 I believe, to the satisfaction of Friends, and to 
 my own admiration that I was so supported over 
 my indisposition and hoarseness. 
 
 Seventh Month 12th. — I laid before the Monthly 
 Meeting a concern which had attended my mind, 
 to pay a visit to the families of Friends of Water- 
 ford Meeting, which had arisen when I was in that 
 city near three years before, and had exercised my 
 mind at sundry times since. Friends took it un- 
 der consideration, and left me at liberty to pursue 
 that and such other service as Truth might open 
 for and require. 
 
 Eighth Month 27th.— Monthly Meeting at Water- 
 ford : I presented my certificate and laid my con- 
 cern before Friends, who appointed a Friend to ac- 
 company me. In this meeting I had to remind them 
 
126 THE LIFE OF 
 
 of that declaration, that we have all sinned and 
 fallen short, but how far, or the extent, we ought 
 [each to seek] to know for ourselves. Our great ad- 
 versary endeavours to palliate, and is very expert 
 in using arguments to set us at ease in [our sins], 
 but if we bring them to the discovering light of 
 Christ in our minds, we shall see them as they are 
 in the sight of God, where no palliations or excuses 
 will cover them from His righteous judgments, 
 which will be revealed against every thing that is 
 not of His own begetting ; therefore, I exhorted 
 Friends to bring their deeds to this light that they 
 may pass under the flaming sword, for nothing 
 that is unclean, or done in the will of the creature, 
 will be permitted to enter that kingdom which is 
 purity, peace, and joy, in the Holy Spirit. 
 
 Ninth Month 27th. — I came to Clonmel, and 
 entered on the visit there to Friends' families, 
 and in concluding it was favoured with peace 
 after many deep baptisms. 
 
 Tenth Month 20th.— The Quarterly Meeting at 
 Waterford was attended by Henry Hull from New 
 York Government in America, Martha Brewster 
 from Bury, in England, and sundry other Friends. 
 In the concluding sitting of the Select Meeting I 
 laid before Friends a concern that had attended my 
 mind for some time past, to visit the families of 
 Cork Meeting, which, after deliberate consider- 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 127 
 
 ation, was united with, and I set out on the 27th 
 for Clonmel, in company with Henry Hull. 
 
 28th. — Henry Hull was largely and instructively 
 engaged in the morning and afternoon meetings at 
 Clonmel. 
 
 30th. — A large public meeting, at which was sup- 
 posed to be about 700 persons ; our testimonies were 
 explained in a satisfactory manner by Henry Hull, 
 on whom the whole of the public service fell. 
 
 Eleventh Month 8th. — Monthly Meeting at Cork, 
 I laid before Friends my prospect of visiting the 
 families of that meeting, with which the meeting 
 concurred, and Henry Hull offered to accompany 
 me to some of the families. 
 
 [John Conran was enabled to perform this ser- 
 vice, and after attending Limerick and Mountmel- 
 lick meetings, also the Quarterly Meeting held at 
 Carlow, from the 29th of the Twelfth Month to the 
 1st of First Month 1811, inclusive, returned home, 
 on which occasion he remarks] : I do not find that 
 I have much to say, only that I endeavoured to be 
 faithful to that which had the appearance of duty, 
 often labouring in little and low places, at which 
 times duty and faith were closely tried ; and after 
 having done the little, the only reward was not to 
 feel condemnation, and therewith to be content. 
 On leaving Cork I felt my mind ofttimes broken into 
 tenderness, and in much love to Friends of that 
 
128 THE LIFE OF 
 
 meeting, which continued with me pretty much to 
 Limerick, and was the same love that drew me to 
 engage in that service. 
 
 Fourth Month 25th, 1811.— I left home to attend 
 the Yearly Meeting in Dublin. In this meeting 
 we had the company of Henry Hull from North 
 America. I had a suffering time, mostly in silence, 
 especially in the meetings for discipline, which to 
 me were heavy. I returned home after the Meeting. 
 
 In the Eleventh Month, I accompanied Ann 
 Burgess from Leicester round the Lough. We held 
 public meetings in the following places to good satis- 
 faction, viz.: Newtown, Donaghadee, Belfast, An- 
 trim, Grange, Ballinacree, Colerain, and Moyallen. 
 
 Twelfth Month 1st — The Quarterly Meeting in 
 Lurgan, which was large and attended by S. Gr. and 
 Ann Burgess, both of whom I thought were much 
 favoured, being well qualified to open the principles 
 to those who are without. The meeting for discipline 
 was conducted in harmony, and the select meeting 
 again re-instated, which had been laid aside for 
 about twelve years. 
 
 John Conran to Ann Burgess. 
 
 Twelfth Month 14th, 1811. 
 Dear Friend, 
 I received thy kind and sympathizing letter, which 
 was truly acceptable to me. Thy jproposed plan of 
 
JOHN C N K A jr. 129 
 
 my removing into Lisburn, and getting shelter in 
 some Friend's family, I have often considered here- 
 tofore ; but in viewing in my mind the several 
 situations there among Friends, I could not see any 
 one in that Light which is profitable to direct, 
 therefore, for the present have abandoned that 
 design. If I took a lodging there, dieting by my- 
 self would be uncomfortable ; and a house", which 
 I once inclined to, might prove too burdensome. 
 So that, my dear and much respected friend, I do 
 not see a better way at present than to wait the 
 Lord's time, apprehending the trials and provings 
 I now pass through are by His permission', for 
 further purification and refinement. 
 
 When I went abroad with thee it was in the 
 cross, having a great dislike to that desolated part 
 of our province. Since we separated I have remem- 
 bered with secret satisfaction our movements, and 
 that inward union and fellowship which flows from 
 our holy Head to the living members of his body ; 
 this the world knows not of, their friendships are of 
 this world ; " but/' says our holy High Priest, "ye 
 are not of this world, I have called you out of this 
 world," its pursuits and vanities ! Blessed call in- 
 deed, oh ! that all who heard it were obedient to it ; 
 their peace would flow as a river, and their hearts 
 and hands would be lifted up with thanksgivings 
 a&d praises on the banks of deliverance. 
 9 
 
ISO THE LIFE OF 
 
 Thou art serving a good Master, and I believe 
 with faithful dedication, be thou faithful unto death 
 as well as unto life, that thou niayst inherit the 
 crown of life. The apostle says he was in deaths 
 oft. a state of deep humiliation necessary for the 
 Lord's favoured servants to experience: this is the 
 preparation of the heart which is not of man. it is 
 of the Lord, because here we can cast down every 
 crown and high imagination of ourselves : and the 
 baptism sometimes is so deep that we scarcely dare 
 look' up to Heaven only to say, u Have mercy on 
 me, lam a sinner."' Although we are buried with 
 Him. yet when thus tried, remember, my dear 
 friend, for thy consolation, the precious life which at 
 times we do much rejoice in is safe, being hid with 
 Him in God. the sure hiding place and refuge of the 
 just and righteous of all ages. Though I write 
 these things to thee, they are I believe thy own 
 already ; yet in these baptisms our faith is : 
 to a hair's breadth, bat :o: of the mouths of two 
 or three witnesses the word is established. 
 
 J. C. 
 
 John Conkax to James Abell. (uhdbb deep 
 
 TRIALS. 
 
 Dublin, Fijih Month 1st, 1812, 
 Dear Friend, 
 
 I received toy very 
 mutual friend, John Leckey. in a time 
 
JOHN CON RAN. 131 
 
 when my mind was dipped into sympathy with the 
 Seed, which I feared would be felt in a suffering 
 state in various sittings of the approaching solem- 
 nity. On the approach of these solemn seasons 
 my lot is a suffering one, and though painful to the 
 natural part in us, we ought not to repine in being 
 companions with our dear Lord and Master, and 
 accounted worthy to suffer with Him ; that when 
 our measure is filled up in His militant church, we 
 may be favoured to have a mansion of His prepar- 
 ing in His triumphant church, in His holy presence, 
 and in the company of His saints and angels, where 
 the wicked cease from troubling, and all sorrows are 
 wiped away. This state, which is attainable, and is 
 set before us that we may endeavour to attain it, is 
 worth patiently submitting to the light afflictions of 
 this present season for. Though we are at seasons 
 crowned with the heavenly gift, yet, if the wicked 
 are permitted to make it a crown of thorns, and we 
 have to feel the sharpness of them as well as the 
 shame, the disciple is not above or better than his 
 Master ; He also was crowned in both capacities, 
 but the submissive language of His spirit was, (let 
 us remember it,) "Not my will but thy will, 
 Father, be done." His holy will concerning the 
 members of His church is sanctification, and if His 
 unerring wisdom choses the furnace for that end, 
 He can bring us forth as He did the three children 
 
132 THE LIFE OF 
 
 formerly, in safety, their garments undestroyed, and 
 their bodies without the smell of fire upon them, for 
 the angel of His Divine presence was with them, 
 and is still with His afflicted little ones, who are 
 preferring Him to their chiefest joy in this world. 
 I remember the saying of a dear friend, Thomas 
 Scattergood, under a holy influence, to me when 
 under deep suffering, " Satan hath desired to have 
 thee to sift thee as wheat, but I have prayed for 
 thee that thy faith fail not ;" and his holy prayer 
 proved availing, even to this very day, enabling to 
 speak well of the Lord's name, because His mercy 
 endureth, and will endure from one generation to 
 another. I nearly sympathize with thee, my dear 
 friend, in thy present suffering state, but not as 
 Job's friends, in a similar trying dispensation, with 
 presumption ; no my dear friend, but under a full 
 persuasion that thy trials are in unutterable wisdom, 
 to purify and to bring thee to a more full acknow- 
 ledgment of the depths of His counsel — that thou 
 hadst known Him like Job, in an unspotted life and 
 conversation, and brought praise to His Truth. Yet 
 here is not to be our rest, but to obtain a further 
 knowledge of Him, in which every other considera- 
 tion may be abased, and we bow ourselves before 
 Him in dust and ashes, that He alone may be con- 
 fessed, and His name (power) be exalted in us and 
 over all, blessed for ever ! I salute thee, my dear 
 
JOHN CONE AN. 133 
 
 friend, in the fresh feeling of that love which I be- 
 lieve flows at'this time from the Fountain that will 
 never be drawn dry, though flowing from generation 
 to generation, at which the Lord's flock have at all 
 times been made to drink, and of which the flocks 
 of the stranger cannot partake. And may He who 
 dwelt in the bush and it was not consumed, dwell 
 in thee, and thou in Him, so that the arrows of the 
 archers may be blunted and turned aside, and the 
 Lord may have the acknowledgment of praise, is 
 the sincere desire of thy affectionate brother, 
 
 John Conran. 
 
 To John Conran. 
 Esteemed Friend, 
 May the protecting Arm of Divine Power shield 
 thee through the yet remaining conflicts, that thou 
 may know a safe landing in the haven of an eternal 
 rest ! Thy love has been great to the Beloved of 
 souls, manifested by thy attachment to His cause 
 on the earth, which thou hast espoused and adhered 
 unto in a day of shaking, when many were blown 
 away, and have mingled with the chaff that floats in 
 the air ! What a favour in the part of the county 
 thou lives in ! Oh ! that thou mayst know the An- 
 cient of days to be with thee now when old age is 
 making its ravages, that thou mayst be the encour- 
 ager of the younger branches of the family whom 
 
134 THE LIFE OF 
 
 the Head of the church may bring forth into use- 
 fulness. My spirit was united to some of those, 
 for whose establishment in the Truth I have de- 
 sired, that the walls of our Zion, which have been 
 marred, may be completely restored and built up, 
 that there may be rendered unto the Lord of 
 Hosts the glory that is due. Then will He re- 
 store unto Israel judges as at the first, and coun- 
 sellors as in the beginning ! In the fellowship of 
 the Gospel I conclude remaining thy friend, 
 
 Henry Hull 
 
 Fifth Month, 1812.— I attended the Yearly 
 Meeting in Dublin, which was large, and at times 
 favoured with a living spring of Gospel ministry, 
 to the edifying and comfort of the living part of 
 the family. The meetings of business were also 
 favoured with the calming influence of Divine 
 Power, so as to cause the waves to be still, which 
 were at times distressing, occasioned by three 
 appeals from the province of Munster, which has 
 been cause of exercise to some there for several 
 years past, and occasioned a breach of love among 
 them. The state of that province coming weightily 
 before the meeting at this time, a visit to it was 
 appointed, and my name was set down for that 
 service with five others, to meet at Limerick Quar- 
 terly Meeting in the Seventh Month, and to pro- 
 ceed further as Truth may open the way. 
 
JOHN CON KAN. 135 
 
 In the Seventh Month, I left home to attend the 
 Quarterly Meeting at Limerick, the several sittings 
 of which proved to me seasons of deep suffering, 
 and I found no relief in them till the last sitting, 
 which was closed, when I requested a pause might 
 be made, after which I laid down my burthen, and 
 [expressed] the exercise I had passed through, 
 which was deep suffering ; the occasion of it I dare 
 not conjecture, fearing to be found in the seat of 
 judgment, but referred the judgment to each, to 
 examine themselves, how far they had contributed 
 to this distress which was now felt to cover the 
 minds of the living amongst us. The meeting 
 closed in a painful manner to me, feeling little or 
 no relief. Next day in the meeting for worship, I 
 had an open time to the youth, of whom there was 
 a large number present, and the meeting ended 
 comfortably. I then went to Mountmellick, and 
 remained there nearly two w r eeks, attending the 
 meetings in course, which felt to me to be low and 
 exercising seasons, very little ability afforded to 
 minister till the day I left it, when I was concerned 
 in the week-day meeting, to express my sense of 
 sundry states — some, in whom the precious seed 
 of God's kingdom was covered with the clods of 
 the earth, which prevented its growth — in others, 
 the briars and thorns choked it — whilst some were 
 soaring aloft, above the simplicity of Truth, and 
 
186 THE LIFE OF 
 
 entering into airy speculations concerning those 
 things which can only be known by the revelation 
 of the Father ; it was by this revelation that 
 Abraham saw Christ's day, and was glad, and the 
 prophets saw it and foretold it; some were called 
 to come down from the above state of self exalta- 
 tion, by Him who is willing to enter in, and abide 
 with them, if they will but obey His call. I left 
 this place not altogether relieved from the burthen 
 I had to bear, being sensible how hard it is for the 
 voice of the servant to be effectually heard by those 
 who have not submitted themselves to the voice 
 which has spoken, and is speaking from heaven. 
 
 24th of Eighth Month, I set out for Dublin, and 
 after attending three meetings there, and our Quar- 
 terly Meeting near Charlemont, returned home. 
 Since that time I have had very low poor times in 
 and out of meetings, and sometimes under the ne- 
 cessity of ministering in some of them in little and 
 low places ; but I believe these dispensations are 
 in that wisdom which is profitable to direct, that 
 we may experience the few barley loaves to be 
 sufficient. 
 
 Twelfth Month — The Quarterly Meeting at Lur- 
 gan, was, I thought, at times favoured, and in seme 
 of the sittings my mind was comforted in feeling 
 that Divine goodness was near to us, and acknow- 
 ledged our assembly with a holy solemnity, in which 
 
JOHN CON RAN. 137 
 
 ability was afforded (I hope) to minister to several 
 states present : the meeting concluded to satisfac- 
 tion and the comfort of the living. 
 
 1813. — I have been greatly tried for these twelve- 
 months, with a stripped state, and with various 
 temptations, the subtle adversary being permitted 
 to assault me in various shapes, and repeatedly to 
 roar against me, and terrify me with inward and 
 fearful impressions on my mind. But these trials 
 turned to a good account for me, by drawing me to 
 seek for help from Him on whom help is laid, and 
 through gracious condescension, in the needful 
 time, His Divine presence was manifested in my 
 soul, His holy light dispelled the darkness and ad- 
 ministered strength ; so that in the frequent suc- 
 cessions of these trials, strength was added to 
 strength, holy confidence succeeded weakness, and 
 I was hereby made measurably strong in the Lord, 
 and by the power of His might enabled to rest in 
 hope, that He who had been with me in many tribu- 
 lations would never forsake me in my latter days ; 
 yet my faith was often closely tried. I attended 
 the Yearly Meeting in Dublin this year, and had 
 but little to offer in it, especially in the meetings 
 for discipline, which to me were cloudy ; I fear that 
 the knowledge of the letter too much prevailed, 
 which I believe casts a shadow over the brightness 
 which otherwise would be seen, and in which alone 
 
138 ,THE LIFE OF 
 
 the discipline can be suitably and comfortably con- 
 ducted. 
 
 I have at times felt my mind drawn to attend the 
 meeting at Lisburn, to which I formerly belonged 
 — in it my spirit has been baptized into a painful 
 and trying state of poverty, and in the cross I have 
 had to minister in this dry and barren state without 
 feeling relieved. Oh ! the love of the world, how 
 overwhelming it is, and chokes the precious seed 
 that the good Husbandman has sown in His field ! 
 Some now, as formerly, cannot bear sound doctrine, 
 but would rather say to the servants, prophesy to 
 us smooth things, prophesy deceits : but such phy- 
 sicians are of no value who would cry, Peace, peace, 
 when there is no peace but what the world gives. 
 
 Twelfth Month 1st — Many are and have been 
 the trials and tribulations I have had to pass 
 through, both in my public and private capacity. 
 My afflictions are great, and I seem often left com- 
 fortless, and at seasons ready to conclude that I 
 would no more speak in the name of the Lord, and 
 have ofttimes gone to meeting with that resolution ; 
 but when the word of life has sprung up in my 
 heart, I could not refrain, and words would almost 
 burst from my lips ; and though no condemnation 
 would follow, yet constant poverty of spirit would 
 be my covering, and mortifying recollections of my 
 past life would impress my mind, and sink me into 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 139 
 
 great abasedness of soul, therein acknowledging my 
 unworthiness and unfitness to take the great and 
 holy name of my God in my lips ; but to this state 
 I submit, and bear it patiently, a3 I am made sen- 
 sible it is truly my desert. 
 
 The Quarterly Meeting is now near, and it 
 brings a considerable share of weight over my 
 mind, as I do not know of any other minister likely 
 to be present, and deep poverty is my attendant ; 
 but to the great Head of the church I commit His 
 family hereaway, and hope He will have compas- 
 sion on them, and send them home satisfied that 
 it was good that they were there. 
 
 The Quarterly Meeting is now ended, and it was 
 well attended for the time of the year ; the meetings 
 for worship were I think favoured, and I got 
 through the service which presented to my peace and 
 satisfaction. The first sitting of the meeting for dis- 
 cipline felt to me in danger of being disturbed, I 
 thought Satan was present with us, and once or 
 oftener showed his head ; but the Lord was pleased 
 to own us, and he was kept down, and a close ex- 
 ercise and watch prevailing, the business was con-, 
 eluded to satisfaction. The answer to the query 
 ' how meetings are kept up' brought an exercise over 
 Friends, that a Committee was appointed (of which 
 I was one) to attend all the Monthly Meetings, and 
 assist them in making appointments to visit the 
 deficient, and to stir them up to more diligence. 
 
140 THE LIFE OF 
 
 Third Month 7th, 1814.— The Quarterly Meet- 
 ing at Lisburn : the meetings for discipline were 
 low. Friends too generally are not sufficiently 
 watchful over their own spirits, to keep them in 
 obedience to Christ, in whom are all our fresh 
 springs for service in the church. I have been for 
 a long time kept very low in my mind, and in that 
 state found myself drawn to minister, which has 
 been in the cross, but I dared not neglect or re- 
 fuse the opening. We are to offer the small cattle, 
 as well as the large, when they are demanded of 
 us — the former have been accepted at my hands. 
 
 I have been drawn to visit sundry week-day 
 meetings in the province, and the fewness of the 
 attendants brought discouragement over the pros- 
 pect ; but giving up to the small appearances in 
 my mind, the service was often owned beyond my 
 expectation, and I returned in peace. I generally 
 am most easy not to make any unnecessary delay 
 after a meeting is over, but return and eat my 
 morsel in secret, and receive from my Master 
 what He is pleased to grant, which is ofttimes an im- 
 pressive sense of my own unworthiness, and under 
 that impression I can render the praise to whom 
 it is due. 
 
 Fourth Month. — I am now passing through bap- 
 tisms preparatory to the Yearly Meeting in Dublin, 
 which are deeply afflicting and hard to be borne. 
 Excuses of age (nearly 75 years), and infirmities 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 141 
 
 are not felt to be sufficient for my absenting my- 
 self from it, neither a daily prevailing sense* of un- 
 worthiness and unfitness to appear with the more 
 enlightened children of the Lord ; nothing affords 
 peace but submission to the requirings of a Master 
 who knows me, and what I can be made to endure. 
 My exercise is so great that death seems to be pre- 
 ferable, and the day of my birth lamented that a 
 man child was born into the world — woe is me ! 
 for many reasons ! But the Lord knows my afflic- 
 tions, and in His unutterable wisdom permits me 
 to be thus tried, and by those who should not do 
 it, w T hich makes it harder to be borne. 
 
 Fifth Month. — I attended the Yearly Meeting 
 in Dublin, which cost me a close exercise for some 
 weeks, feeling considerable bodily as well as spi- 
 ritual weakness ; but I was enabled to give up and 
 to trust for the renewal of strength both ways to 
 Divine Mercy. I had some service in the meeting 
 for discipline, and in a large evening meeting on 
 First-day, to my satisfaction. 
 
 As I travelled home, my mind was much in- 
 wardly drawn, and in silence, a stream of Gospel 
 ministry at times ran through me in secret, as if I 
 were preaching to a large auditory, and the doc- 
 trine so apposite that it melted my heart into hum- 
 ble contrition and admiration, and I felt my 
 strength renewed under the remembrance of this 
 
142 THE LIFE OF 
 
 saying, " He that believeth on me, out of his belly 
 shall flow rivers of living water." I came home in 
 peace, and glad that I had been there. 
 
 Ninth Month 6th. — Our Quarterly Meeting 
 near Charlemont, the meetings on First-day were 
 held in silence, and numerously attended, the meet- 
 ing for discipline was favoured, and the next day 
 I had an open testimony, to the members of our 
 own Society as well as others, recommending them 
 to the Divine Light in themselves as the door of 
 the true sheep-fold of which Christ is the Shep- 
 herd ; that unless they came in by that door, pro- 
 fessing with us or any others was in vain. 
 
 11th. — First-day, at Megabry, a time of deep 
 wading in silence, which was at length broken with 
 these expressions, "Ye believe in God, believe also 
 in me," — "the devils believe and tremble." If we 
 do not believe in Christ our faith stands upon the 
 same grounds with theirs, and we lose the benefit 
 of His second coming without sin unto salvation ; 
 and if we despise Him in his little and low appear- 
 ance in our hearts, the Jews did so in his bodily 
 appearance and were rejected of Him ; and small 
 as His appearance may be to the carnally wise 
 and prudent of this generation, it was He whom the 
 angels of God were commanded to worship. 
 
 Eleventh Month 2d. — I have been now for some 
 time reduced to a low state of mind, but pretty 
 
JOHN CONKAN. 143 
 
 much resigned under it ; my exercise in meetings is 
 trying, feeling very little of that living virtue that 
 encourages to act in the services of the church ; yet 
 in this very low situation, I feel a necessity at times 
 to offer the little that appears, which is attended with 
 peace, but is again succeeded immediately by deep 
 poverty, which is an exercising trial of faith and 
 patience. I dare not desire a change of raiment, 
 for in these tattered garments my nakedness is 
 plainly seen, to the deep humbling of my poor 
 mind : let all that is of the natural man be brought 
 low, so that God be glorified through my abase- 
 ment ! 
 
 13th. — The Preparative Meeting at Megabry, in 
 which my faith was closely tried, feeling a subject 
 on my mind for a long time, but attended with so 
 little ability to deliver it that I struggled much and 
 long to pass it by ; but near the conclusion I felt 
 strength to stand up, and was [enabled] to get 
 through to my peace ; my usual dryness succeeded, 
 and sunk my spirit into mourning, but I was merci- 
 fully supported by the arising of these words in my 
 mind, " Seek not to thyself great things, and thy 
 life shall be given thee for a prey whithersoever 
 thougoest," which comforted me, as I have hitherto 
 felt life to follow those weak appearances. 
 
 20th. — First-day, at Megabry ; a state of infi- 
 delity was the burden of my spirit^ arising out of 
 
144 THE LIFE OF 
 
 those writings which are so plentifully scattered 
 abroad in these days, leading the unwary astray, to 
 follow after lying vanities and the deceivings of their 
 own foolish hearts, thinking to comprehend the 
 things of God by their own wisdom. I have felt this 
 day much depressed in mind, from not giving up to 
 attend the Monthly Meeting at Moyallen, yester- 
 day; the pointing thereto was so small, and my 
 poverty so prevalent, that I passed it by, but I hope 
 to be more attentive in future. The ways of God 
 are at times unsearchable, and past our finding out. 
 The Quarterly Meeting will be in about two weeks, 
 which I expect will bring me into some preparatory 
 baptisms, as is usually my lot before these large 
 gatherings ; may the Lord strengthen my weak- 
 ness, which is very great and has been for some 
 time past, if it be His holy will ! 
 
 Twelfth Month, 6th. — Our Quarterly Meeting at 
 Lurgan : in the concluding; meeting I was enlarged 
 in an open and clear testimony in defence of the 
 Scriptures, and the Divinity of our blessed Lord, 
 against a spirit of antichrist which seemed to pos- 
 sess some present ; and I concluded the meeting in 
 supplicating the Lord that He would be pleased 
 afresh to anoint the eyes of those who said they 
 saw, but were blind, and to open their eyes that 
 they might see the New Jerusalem, and the beauty 
 of true holiness, so as to be able to worship God 
 
JOHN CON KAN. 145 
 
 aright through the Spirit of his beloved Son, who 
 is God over all, blessed for ever and for evermore. 
 The meeting concluded under a solemn covering, 
 and I returned home in peace. 
 
 My movements in the ministry for some years 
 back have been after long waiting, the appearance 
 of life very small, and my faith closely tried, but a 
 necessity has attended which I have been afraid to 
 neglect ; they have often been unexpectedly en- 
 larged in Gospel love, and afforded peace ; but very 
 shortly the whole recollection of the precious unc- 
 tion has been clearly taken from me, and I have been 
 reduced to my usual state of poverty — the gate [like 
 Mordecai] has been my safe-guard, for there no- 
 thing can dress or perfume with the odours and 
 ointments that had been poured forth when the 
 Bridegroom had entered into His chamber. Blessed 
 are the dead who thus die, yea, saith the Spirit, 
 they shall rest from their labours, and their works 
 shall follow them ! Blessed poverty indeed, for 
 in it the creaturely part has no share ! 
 
 First Month 12^,1815.— The Monthly Meeting 
 near Ballinderry ; the fore part of the meeting was 
 a low time, my mind was much tried with a wander- 
 ing spirit which I endeavoured to subject, and after 
 some time experienced quiet ; when that passage 
 opened on my mind recommending the offering our 
 bodies a living sacrifice, and I was gradually en- 
 10 
 
146 THE LIFE OF 
 
 larged, and led to compare the state I had been bap- 
 tized into during the early part of the meeting to 
 the waves of the sea, succeeding one another — that 
 this was the work of the enemy to render our sacri- 
 fice unacceptable to God — but let us suffer the 
 waves to pass over our heads, and not to carry us 
 away into the world, and thereby [deprive] us of the 
 opportunity of renewing bur strength in Christ, 
 who through His instruments appointed those sea- 
 sons to His church and family for that gracious end 
 and purpose. It was a time of refreshment and 
 renewal of strength, for I went to meeting under 
 deep exercise, not expecting or desiring to be so 
 engaged, and under the feeling of life I was drawn 
 forth in supplication at the close. The covering of 
 the first meeting was carried into the meeting for 
 discipline, which was conducted and concluded in 
 a truly solemn manner ; the praise is due to that 
 all-wise and holy Being in whom " is life, and the 
 life is the light of men/' and who has not forgotten 
 to be gracious to a backsliding people ! 
 
 In sitting in meetings for discipline, I look for as 
 clear an evidence to speak as in meetings for wor- 
 ship, therefore my words are few, but I hope they 
 are in degree seasoned with salt — " let your speech 
 be alway with grace seasoned with salt," which is 
 the life — in this path the wayfaring man cannot 
 err, and peace is found in his dwelling ; it is a 
 
OOHN CONEAN. 147 
 
 means of keeping down those forward spirits which 
 are ready to run when not sent, whose state is that 
 of flatness and death instead of peace and consola- 
 tion, and to whom the language applies, "Who 
 hath required this at your hands ?" 
 
 22c?. — First-day meeting at Megabry: Cast 
 down, but I hope not forsaken. I have had deep 
 trials of late that caused me to cry by night and by 
 day, Lord help thy servant who cannot help himself ! 
 but my cry returned back into my own bosom, as 
 if the ears of the Lord God of Sabaoth were not 
 open to my cry. My sore ran in the night season, 
 and I was not comforted. How long, Lord, wilt 
 thou not hear my prayer and my supplication ! I 
 feel dried up as a potsherd, but I still hold fast my 
 confidence. Make haste, Lord, to help me, before 
 I go hence and be seen of man no more, for there 
 is neither wisdom nor knowledge in the grave ! 
 
 'Second Month 9th. — I attended the Preparative 
 Meeting of Lisburn, and was concerned therein to 
 exhort parents and heads of families to train up 
 their children, both by precept and example, in the 
 nurture and admonition of the Lord, which would 
 be as a twofold cord that might be a means of draw- 
 ing them to the living principle of light and grace 
 in their tender tninds, and make therewith a three- 
 fold cord that could not be easily broken. Also 
 recommending, the children to obey their parents 
 
148 THE LIFE OF 
 
 in the Lord, for this is right ; concluding with the 
 state of Eli and his family, who did not restrain 
 his sons, though he had counselled them against 
 the evil of their ways. 
 
 Sixth 31ontli 6th. — Our Quarterly Meeting at 
 Moyallen, I had a pretty open time in both meet- 
 ings on the First-day ; the meeting for discipline 
 was to me a remarkably clouded time, I was bap- 
 tized in the cloud inlo death. As I lay in bed that 
 night or early next morning, the spring of Gospel 
 ministry opened and flowed in my heart abun- 
 dantly, in such a variety of doctrine as filled me 
 with surprise, which gradually arose from a small 
 beginning to a stream that I could swim in. I lay 
 silent in spirit, and attended to the flowing of it to 
 my admiration ; towards morning it closed, and I 
 arose in my usual poverty and went to meeting in 
 a low and stripped state, but had not sat long be- 
 fore some little matter gradually arose before me, 
 and as I attended on the opening it increased to 
 the time I should stand up with a metaphor of 
 Christ's school, in which He is the teacher : fresh 
 matter gradually opening in my view I was en- 
 larged in a clear testimony which afforded peace 
 and comfort to my mind, the praise of which is 
 only to be given to Him to whom alone it is due. 
 the great and holy Head of His church, who is 
 blessed for ever and ever ! 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 149 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 1815. CONTINUATION OF THE JOURNAL OF HIS 
 RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE AND SERVICES. 
 
 Ninth Month 10th. — I have not felt inclined of 
 late to record any of the occurrences which at- 
 tended me in my spiritual progress which were 
 various — some painful trials and probations, and 
 many temptations, over which I was favoured to 
 get with thanksgiving and praise where only it was 
 due* I attended, as usual, all the meetings at home, 
 and sometimes the neighbouring ones, some by ap- 
 pointment and others on my own concern, which 
 were in general to my satisfaction. These services 
 were at times attended with baptisms that brought 
 to my recollection the state the apostle had to pass 
 through when he said he was cast down, but not 
 forsaken ; in which times the promise of the Saviour 
 was [fulfilled], "I will not leave you comfortless :" 
 His poor depending children, who have none in 
 heaven but Him, nor in all the earth in comparison 
 of Him, give Him the praise of His own blessed work, 
 for they experience Him to be the Resurrection and 
 the Life ; it is by and through Him alone they live, 
 
150 THE LIFE OF 
 
 and because He liveth they live. Our Quarterly 
 Meeting was held last week in Grange, in Charle- 
 mont, which was large and favoured ; I went in 
 much discouragement as there was no other minis- 
 tering Friend, and there were some disagreeable 
 things to come before the meeting by an appeal, 
 which atone time wore the appearance of a breach 
 of love and unity ; but I thought the Author of 
 every good word and work did appear with healing 
 in His wings. I felt a pointing to stay their week- 
 day meeting next day, where were many young 
 people, to whom I had to minister the word of con- 
 solation, and encouragement to purchase the Truth, 
 let the price be what it may, for Divine wisdom and 
 a right understanding seasoned with grace would 
 be the companions of it; the opportunity was 
 through Mercy remarkably favoured. I left them 
 in peace, and returned home to sit at the gate, a 
 safe dwelling place ! 
 
 Tenth Month 25th. — I felt a draught to attend 
 the Monthly Meeting near Charlemont, and was 
 silent therein ; in the second meeting, upon the 
 clerk's querying if any Friend had anything to offer, 
 I felt it right to say that I came there from an 
 apprehension of duty, but in both meetings there 
 was, I thought, such a thick cloud over me, I 
 could not travel forward — that whatever was the 
 cause I could not tell, but if each of us were so dis- 
 
JOHN CON RAN. 151 
 
 posed to inquire in sincerity, " Is it I ?" I believe 
 the individuals might find out who it was ; but that 
 if we abode under this covering, our stay in the 
 wilderness would be prolonged, so that instead of 
 advancing, we might be returning back again to our 
 former -conditions, and never reach the promised 
 land. The clerk stood up, and said the Friend's 
 concern was right, he believed, as there was occasion 
 for the remark. My mind was relieved, and I re- 
 turned in peace. 
 
 Eleventh Month 18th. — I had a closely-sifting 
 season last night, which brought me very low, more 
 so than I have felt for a long time ; the sentence of 
 death was my portion, and under it I was prostrated 
 before the footstool, [of mercy], scarcely daring to 
 look up ; when the Judge of quick and dead sits in 
 judgment on us, who can stand when He appears ! 
 What must be the terrors of those whose sins 
 accompany them to the [tribunal] of Christ, when 
 their lot is cast for eternity, with a certain, fearful 
 looking for of judgment, and fiery indignation and 
 wrath ! In this furnace, I saw much still for the 
 fire, and more for the fuller's soap, the prospect of 
 which brought me very low, ready to give up all, 
 under a [deep] sense of unworthiness ; in which 
 the Lord was exalted, whose right it is, and the 
 creature abased : here I felt the truth of that say- 
 ing of the apostle, " Unto us beiongeth shame and 
 confusion of face." 
 
152 THE LITE OF 
 
 Twelfth Month 1-itJi. — My travel seems through 
 the wilderness, and Pharaoh and his host pursuing 
 me ; there is still a great deal in me to be slain ; 
 when wilt thou be sheathed, oh ! sword of the Lord, 
 the Word of His mouth ! Every word of my mouth 
 appears to be weighed in the balance of the sanc- 
 tuary, there is nothing escapes His eye, the inmost 
 thoughts of my heart are judged as soon as con- 
 ceived, there is not any thing hidden from Him ; in 
 vain did Adam hide from that call, (which can shake 
 the heavens and the earth also) cl Where art thou ?" 
 For some time past my hopes have been all centred 
 in Divine mercy and forgiveness, my form er works 
 of righteousness have been blotted out, and in my 
 heart I have said, " Though thou slay me, I will 
 trust in thee." In my troubles, I have endeavoured 
 to remember the day of my espousals, when His light 
 and His truth shone into my dark habitation ; I was 
 then brought into His banqueting-house, and His 
 banner over me was love ; but now I feel my enemy 
 spreading snares to entrap me, but I trust the fear 
 of falling will preserve me, through the mighty God 
 of Jacob. Thy ways, oh ! Lord, are past our finding 
 out, — but the advice of Moses formerly to Israel is 
 good for me at this time, " Stand still, and see the 
 salvation of God." I have but little to add at this 
 time, but to acknowledge the [Divine] mercy in sup- 
 porting me with some patience under distressing 
 trials in my family, but no way has opened for my 
 
JOHN CONE, AN. 153 
 
 escape from them. I feel bound to this quarter 
 of the vineyard, where my poor labours appear 
 to be acceptable. 
 
 I felt a concern to attend the Monthly Meeting 
 at Moyallen, and being desirous of turning the 
 fleece upon it produced an exercise for two days, 
 which was very trying, and when it had reduced 
 me to resignation, the concern left me, and I re- 
 mained at home in peace. When I feel drawings 
 abroad, they are generally pleasant to the taste, 
 but in turning the fleece they are bitter inwardly, 
 and very hard to give up to. There is in man, 
 though he has passed measurably through the fire, 
 and drunk of the bitter waters of affliction, a share 
 of the first nature still unsubdued, that would say, 
 " Send by whom thou wilt send," or that com- 
 plaint of, "Who hath believed our report?" Yet 
 gracious, condescending Mercy bears with us as a 
 tender parent, and rewards us (instead of chastis- 
 ing) with His evidence of peace ! 
 
 Third Month 24th, 1816.— I went to Moyallen 
 First-day meeting, and had a heavy dull sitting for 
 above an hour and a half, when a very small opening 
 appeared before me, a few words, which I reasoned 
 with to put it by, when a language moved in my 
 mind, that if we were so poor as not to be able to 
 offer an ox, ram, or he-goat, a pair of turtle-doves or 
 two young pigeons would be accepted. So I stood 
 
154 THE LIFE OF 
 
 up with two or three sentences, and moving gently 
 on as a few more arose before me, the waters rose 
 gradually, so that I left the meeting under a solemn 
 covering, and myself in peace : let the praise be to 
 Him to whom it is due, w T ho is strength in weakness, 
 and riches in poverty. The great necessity for 
 watchfulness in ministers in exercising their gifts in 
 meetings for worship has been shown to me lately. 
 As I sat in meetings, a field of offerings opened 
 before me, in which was much sound doctrine, on 
 various subjects, which appeared to me suitable to 
 many states and conditions who might be present ; 
 but as I rarely stand up till a considerable lapse 
 of time, I viewed the subjects, whether they might 
 be offered, when this language clearly came before 
 my mind, that this ram had not horns, — the whole 
 was resumed back into the treasury, and another 
 ram was fastened in the thicket, and was offered, 
 which I believe was accepted with wine and oil, 
 and I had to conclude the meeting with solemn 
 supplication to the Lord, who is Wonderful, Coun- 
 sellor, and the Prince of Peace ! Praise his holy 
 name, my soul, for He only is worthy of it. 
 
 This winter I had many bitter cups to drink, 
 both outwardly and inwardly: we have need of 
 patience — Lord, increase it, and my faith, that they 
 fail not ! I do not remember the furnace hotter, 
 but I believe the cup is from the Lord's holy hand, 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 155 
 
 therefore I must drink it : the bitterest cup is 
 sometimes the most wholesome, [therefore ye,] His 
 poor despised little ones, drink ye all of it. The 
 reply of Eli to the child Samuel, when he told him 
 every whit, is instructive ; when Eli heard the sad 
 sentence pronounced against his house, he submit- 
 ted, saying, "It is the Lord, let Him do what seem- 
 eth Him good." A sorrowful and warning lesson 
 to parents to exercise that authority over their fami- 
 lies which faithful Abraham did in his, having this 
 testimony of Divine approbation, that he command- 
 ed his family after him, therefore the Divine will 
 was manifested unto him ; and if we are sincerely en- 
 gaged to do our part, help will be administered to us. 
 
 Seventh Month 10th. — The week-day meeting 
 at Megabry was, I thought, comfortably held in 
 silence ; many doctrines opened in my mind in a 
 living experience, which I thought I could have 
 stood up with to edification, but the necessity or 
 woe was not with them, therefore they passed away 
 under this impression, that they might open again 
 in some other meeting. 
 
 11th. — I attended the week-day meeting at Lis- 
 burn, much in the cross, as a hard time generally is 
 my lot there; I sat in great poverty for upwards of 
 an hour, when a very small opening appeared, with 
 which I stood up, and gradually proceeding, it in- 
 creased till it became as a broad river, when the 
 
156 THE LIFE OF 
 
 sense impressed the day before, of these openings 
 being renewed in some other meeting, was fulfilled, 
 I believe, to the satisfaction of many present, as 
 well as to my own — praises be given to the Great 
 Giver of every good and perfect gift ! Watch- 
 fulness is as necessary to ministers as faithfulness, 
 lest they enter into temptation. 
 
 lith. — [After speaking of a favoured meeting at 
 Megabry, he says :] — It feels to me as if there were 
 a fresh visitation afforded to this meeting, which was 
 some years back highly favoured, as I have been 
 told, and appears by the records of the Society; 
 but when the elders of that day were removed, there 
 arose a generation who had not been witnesses of the 
 saving help which had been afforded to their fathers, 
 and of some of them, it may be said, they knew 
 the Lord only by hearing of His name and power, 
 but their hearts were far from Him. Yet He whose 
 mercy endureth from one generation to another, is 
 pleased to visit the children's children, to the third 
 and fourth generation of those who have loved Him 
 and kept His commandments. May this blessed 
 covenant of life and light be once more renewed in 
 this quarter of the Lord's vineyard, [to the raising 
 up of such] whose lips may be touched with the 
 live coal from off the altar, under the holy influence 
 whereof sons and daughters may in true dedication 
 say, "Here am I, send me !" Though I do not 
 
JOHN CON RAN. 157 
 
 expect to see the morning of this day arise with 
 healing virtue in its wings, yet I rejoice in the hope 
 that it will come and will not tarry. Blessed and 
 praised be the name (the power) of Israel's God, who 
 can bind, and who can loose when in His unbounded 
 wisdom, He sees meet so to do. Oh ! may the 
 blessing of the everlasting hills be upon the head of 
 Joseph, upon the head of him who was separated 
 from his brethren ; may there be that fruitfulness 
 in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, experienced in which 
 the branches run over the wall, and there is a 
 going to and fro in the earth proclaiming the glad 
 tidings of the Gospel of peace and salvation, 
 through obedience to the Divine illumination in 
 their own minds. 
 
 Eighth Month 4zth. — I have of late felt, as ofttimes 
 before, when passing quietly about my lawful busi- 
 ness, a spring of Gospel ministry open in my mind, 
 and many Gospel doctrines flow therefrom for a 
 considerable time in a clear and convincing manner; 
 I have kept still, in humble admiration, desiring to 
 treasure them up, in order to bring them out on 
 some future occasion ; but the whole has been re- 
 sumed, and I have had to go forth without scrip or 
 purse or two coats. To-day, after a favoured meet- 
 ing, this state appeared to my mind as what is 
 called in Scripture, " the renewings of the Holy 
 Ghost/' These experiences brightened my candle 
 
158 THE LIFE OF 
 
 which had been burning but dimly for some time 
 past, and raised in my heart praises and thanks- 
 givings to Him whose mercies are from everlasting, 
 through His dear and beloved son, our gracious and 
 merciful Redeemer ; who in His heavenly wisdom* 
 sees meet to hide Himself for a season, to increase 
 our diligence in seeking for Him, and to Him for 
 those fresh supplies which he graciously grants to 
 His poor depending little ones, who in His absence 
 mourn, but in His life-giving presence rejoice with 
 fear and trembling. Amen, so be it. 
 
 2bth. — First-day meeting. Before I left home my 
 bitterness was so great that I went out shedding 
 tears, almost careless what became of me, but I 
 experimentally found that was not tne case with my 
 merciful Lord and Master. After I sat some time 
 in meeting, the blessed state of the poor in spirit 
 opened before me, with the benefits arising from it : 
 from the feebleness of the impulse attending, I felt 
 a fear of moving under it for near an hour, so that 
 it left me, naked and bare, upon dry ground ; but at 
 my petition (on my uneasiness at having neglected 
 a line of duty) unspeakable condescension, was 
 pleased again to bring the opening into view with a 
 little more certainty, upon which I moved forward, 
 and Truth arose and its enemies were scattered — 
 the light of the Gospel shone brighter through me 
 than I had ever known before, and various states 
 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 159 
 
 and conditions were described — that the kingdom of 
 heaven was only attainable through the aid of the 
 grace of God, and submitting ourselves to the 
 redeeming efficacy of the cross of Christ — the state 
 of the poor in spirit, made so not in the will, 
 wisdom or strivings of men, but through the wis- 
 dom of God showing unto man his weakness and 
 natural deformity, and the need he has of a 
 Saviour lest he should die in alienation from God 
 — and that it was this state of inward and deep 
 poverty (to which I appeared to be well qualified 
 to speak from my late baptisms into it) that effect- 
 ually knocked at the door and gained an entrance, 
 for the gates of heaven are opened to it, if faithful- 
 ness is continued in to the end. Let our oblations 
 be ever so rich, and sacrifices ever so near and dear 
 to us, even as a first-born, and though the temple 
 we frequent be more magnificent than Solomon's, 
 yet obedience to the revealed will of God in our 
 hearts will be the only acceptable offering at our 
 hands. The covering over the meeting was sol- 
 emn, under which it broke up. 
 
 Ninth Month 15th. — My baptisms of late have 
 been deep, and as much as I can bear up under, 
 which causes strong and frequent cries, " Lord save 
 me or I shall fall." After all my trials I fear lest I 
 should become a castaway — by night and by day my 
 cries are to my dear Lord to have mercy on me, for 
 
160 THE LIFE OF 
 
 I feel ready to die, and can take no spiritual sus- 
 tenance to support me. When will the Almighty 
 arm be made bare for my deliverance ? surely the 
 Lord delayeth His coming ! But oh ! my soul, be 
 not thou too much dismayed, for when He does 
 come His reward is with Him. In my humiliation 
 my judgment is taken away — I feel hedged in on 
 every side. When oh Lord ! wilt thou cause the 
 light of thy countenance once more to shine upon 
 me ? These purging seasons are necessary ; in one 
 I passed through this morning every crown I might 
 have been favoured with heretofore, was cast down 
 at the footstool of the Lamb, who is alone worthy 
 to be honoured and obeyed : I cast myself and all 
 that I have into the arms of His everlasting mercy, 
 which endureth from one generation to another. 
 I have not felt so deep a plunging I think for 
 years, which I suppose was necessary to do away 
 more of the dross still behind. Oh ! the wormwood 
 and the gall, how bitter is this cup to drink of — 
 this is a partaking of a measure of Christ's suffer- 
 ings spiritually, that our life may be hid with 
 Christ in God, and when Hewhois the Resurrection 
 and the Life shall arise, these shall arise with 
 Him, and be made partakers of His life. Praises 
 and thanksgivings to Him who liveth and reigneth 
 for ever and ever. 
 
 26th. — I felt drawings on my mind to attend 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 161 
 
 the week-day meeting In Lisburn, which was very 
 much in the cross, even to tears. I had to deal 
 in a very close manner on the power of the cross, 
 and the blessed effects derived from obedience to 
 it; with a caution against Delilah, and reposing 
 in her lap, and to take warning by Samson, who 
 was a Nazarite from his birth, yet he lost his 
 strength and his light, and became a bondman to 
 the uncircumcised, and was bound in fetters of brass 
 — spiritualizing it. It was an open time, and a 
 solemn covering was spread over the meeting. 
 
 SOth. — My exercises are many, and deeply dis- 
 tressing on account of the state of my son's affairs, 
 with the poor prospect his small family has of a 
 livelihood ; my own state also being a stripped 
 one, leads me ofttimes to call upon Divine Mercy, 
 that he would be pleased to afford me but one ray 
 of light to show me where I am, if I am still in 
 the land of the living. My sore runs in the night 
 season, and occasions me many sleepless hours, 
 meditating an escape from this furnace, and to 
 pitch my tent in some other place. Such thoughts 
 occupied me early this morning in bed, when these 
 expressions impressed my mind in a solid manner, 
 and entirely laid aside my meditated removal else- 
 where, — " Thou art a fruit-bearing branch, thou 
 must abide in the Vine, or thou canst not bring 
 forth fruit;' 5 by which I understood that if I ro- 
 ll 
 
162 THE LIFE OF 
 
 moved in my own will or desire I might become 
 fruitless, and be as a useless branch broken off and 
 cast away. A lesson of sound instruction, may I 
 never forget the awful effect it produced in me. 
 
 Twelfth Month 2d.— The Quarterly Meeting at 
 Lurgan, which was attended by our dear friends 
 Hannah Field and Elizabeth Barker, from North 
 America, whose company and gospel labours were 
 truly satisfactory : I think the meeting was com- 
 fortable, and the business conducted with harmony. 
 
 Second Month 2d, 1817. — I attended the meet- 
 ing at Moy alien, where after a deep travail I was 
 opened on the new birth, from the state of the 
 babe whose food is proportioned to its weakness, 
 the pure milk of the Divine Word — its progress to 
 the state of the young man — then to manhood, 
 enabled to resist the devil — then to that of an elder 
 who becomes a pillar in the church, able to bear 
 up a:d support a share of the building — and the 
 next translation would be to heaven and happiness, 
 there to receive the fulness of the answer of "Well 
 done," &c. It was a time of favour, and brought 
 me the comfortable evidence of peace : there was 
 a person present lately received into membership, 
 for whose encouragement and strengthening I be- 
 lieved I was thus drawn forth. 
 
 6th. — I attended the Preparative Meeting in 
 Lisburn by appointment^ in it those deistical prin- 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 163 
 
 ciples so prevalent were closely spoken to and re- 
 sisted on the clear evidence of Scripture, with the 
 danger of dying in a denial of Christ before men, 
 and the awful consequences thereof. I had to trace 
 the enemy's delusions and various transformations 
 from Adam, in sundry generations of mankind, 
 describing their appearances, and that he still is 
 the unwearied enemy, and is now attacking the 
 Divine light from heaven, desiring to gain prose- 
 lytes to the opinion that it proceeds altogether from 
 man, as a portion of his reason, and not from Christ 
 in us the hope of glory. It was an exercising time 
 to my mind, but left the evidence of peace. 
 
 I am now in the 78th year of my age, and am 
 mercifully favoured with health and ability to at- 
 tend meetings at home, and sometimes abroad : 
 when the time comes that the account must be ren- 
 dered, may it be with joy and not with grief, striv- 
 ing to do whatsoever is commanded to be done. 
 
 Third Month 4th. — Our Quarterly Meeting in 
 Lisburn, my previous preparation for it was great 
 discouragement and poverty of spirit, which led me 
 secretly to desire that some other ministering Friend 
 might be sent to it to relieve my distress, but none 
 came. In the First-day forenoon meeting I had a 
 little relief, but it was a poor low time, and the 
 afternoon meeting was held in silence. I had a 
 relieving share in the service of the meetings for 
 
164 THE LIFE OF 
 
 business, and in the parting meeting had an open 
 time, being enlarged to several states, and con- 
 cluded in supplication. Since that time I have had 
 several deep and purging seasons that I have almost 
 been ready to surrender my crown and to say, " Send 
 by vrhom thou wilt send ;" but a small portion of 
 faith and patience being afforded, I was made will- 
 ing to travel on through heights and through depths, 
 and put my whole trust and confidence in that arm 
 of Divine support which has hitherto sustained me 
 through many trials and probations : to Him is the 
 praise, but to me shame and confusion of face ! 
 
 12th. — For some time past I felt drawings to 
 attend the week-day meeting in Lurgan, and after 
 some reasonings respecting the smallness of it I 
 went, and found it very small; yet there were those 
 in it who I believed were under religious exercise 
 and close trials, to whom I had to hand forth en- 
 couragement to persevere and wrestle for the bless- 
 ing as Jacob did, that they might prevail with God, 
 and then their light would shine forth with bright- 
 ness, which would enable them also to prevail with 
 men, so as to acknowledge that God was in them 
 of a truth — that they had many trials of their faith 
 to pass through, but I urged them not to be dis- 
 couraged, for all the stones which compose the 
 spiritual building, Christ's church here on earth, 
 are tried ones, and are in this manner brought into 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 165 
 
 their places in that body of which Christ Himself 
 is the holy Head and High Priest. I believe my 
 concern was on account of this class, and it afforded 
 me peace on my return. 
 
 To record the many baptisms I have to pass 
 through, and painful exercises which I believe are 
 the experience of all Christian travellers (in that 
 way which the vulture's eye hath not seen) is not 
 my intention ; the wind bloweth where and when it 
 listeth, we hear the sound thereof, but know not 
 whence it cometh; therefore such must be con- 
 tented to bear the blasts of it without considering 
 much about the cause : this is very much the course 
 I travel in. I felt drawings to attend Belfast meet- 
 ing this day two weeks, which from my weakness 
 at the time, with some other discouragements, made 
 it hard to give up to, but I was secretly helped 
 through, and had a time of favour and much en- 
 largement in both meetings, and openness in 
 sundry families, stopping there nearly three days. 
 Since then my borders have been narrowed, and I 
 rest satisfied, hoping I feel myself at times under 
 the shadow of His holy wing, in which I find great 
 delight ; though at others some withering blasts are 
 felt, for which I hope I am thankful. A change of 
 seasons in the natural world is pleasant, the spring 
 coming on after the winter, with the singing of the 
 birds is cheering; so are the secret touches of 
 
166 THE LIFE OF 
 
 Divine love succeeding the cold blasts of winter, 
 strengthening and refreshing to the traveller, en- 
 couraging him to hold on his way without fainting 
 or growing weary. This is part of that hidden 
 mystery which the world by wisdom knoweth 
 not of, neither can it, as experience only can teach 
 it ; by this the wayfaring man (though a fool as to 
 worldly wisdom) hath found it, and walks therein, 
 whilst the worldly wise count his life as madness, 
 and that his end will be without honour. Un- 
 searchable, Oh Lord ! are all thy ways, and past 
 our finding out any other way but by submission to 
 thy holy will. We have girded ourselves heretofore, 
 and went whithersoever we would, but the time is 
 now come to me when another girds me and carries 
 me sometimes whither I would not, but I believe in 
 that wisdom to which I cannot add anything. It is 
 now become as my meat and drink, upon which I 
 live, to look inward for secret help and direction in 
 all my goings, that I may be enabled to walk with- 
 out reproach from my own conscience or from men. 
 Ninth Month, — I attended the Quarterly Meet- 
 ing at Grange, near Charlemont, and next day the 
 week-day meeting at Moyallen, which was satisfac- 
 tory ; after which I returned home, and found the 
 sheriff had that day sold by auction almost the 
 whole of my son's crop, but my share of property 
 was untouched. I was made acquainted with it 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 167 
 
 just before meeting, which brought me to a stand 
 whether to go to meeting, or home to attend the 
 auction and claim what things I had a right to. I 
 staid at meeting, and left my affairs to Divine dis- 
 posal, and I did not lose anything, though I was 
 told there were some greedily wanting to have my 
 hay sold, as I was not there to advance the money 
 if it were ; but a stranger came forward and of- 
 fered to advance the money for me till my return : 
 thus was I preserved from loss ! 
 
 [It appears that John Conran went through much 
 trial in his son's family, with whom he had resided 
 after his marriage in 1807 ; and in 1813, he writes]: 
 — my situation here has been very dissatisfactory, 
 but I have thought these trials were permitted for 
 my refinement, and though I have very often 
 prayed and entreated that I might be favoured to 
 see some other situation to retire to, yet at present 
 I cannot, but have still to suffer most afflicting sea- 
 sons. May God not lay it to their charge, for 
 they know not what they do ! 
 
 Eleventh Month 16th. — Many have been my trials 
 and deep exercises of late, both inwardly and out- 
 wardly, that I have often secretly prayed that my 
 faith fail not ; but an invisible Hand supported me, 
 and kept my head above the waters, when the suc- 
 cessive waves appeared likely to overwhelm me. I 
 feel bound to this meeting, so that I cannot find an 
 
168 THE LIFE OF 
 
 open door to go out and leave it ; and though my 
 labours are frequent among its members, the dry 
 bones in the open valley will rise up in judgment 
 against them and condemn them, for they showed 
 signs of life, and rose up when the prophet prophe- 
 sied upon them ; but here there does not appear any 
 marks of resurrection, the earth keeps its place, not 
 showing any symptoms of being moved out of its 
 place in their hearts, which makes the labour harder 
 to the poor storm-beaten traveller, who at times can 
 scarcely find a path through the wilderness, which 
 leads to peace. This day the excellency of the 
 Scriptures was spoken to and acknowledged, but the 
 more excellent way was preferred, that [Word of 
 life and light] which gave them forth — that they 
 were ofttimes my study, and administered comfort 
 and consolation in comparing my exercises and 
 temptations with those which are there recorded ; 
 yet although my memory would serve me to repeat 
 the whole of them, and to preach therefrom the doc- 
 trines they contained, if it were not mixed with true 
 faith proceeding from my having tasted, felt, and 
 handled the pure Word of life and light which gave 
 them forth, my preaching would not profit the 
 hearers, or afford peace to myself. Some in this 
 day search them, and think in so doing they shall 
 have eternal life ; but though they testify of Christ, 
 yet of themselves they do not give life. Apollos, in 
 
JOHN C ON RAN. 169 
 
 the beginning of his ministry, was mighty in the 
 Scriptures, and from them preached Christ boldly, 
 not fearing the opposers in that day ; but when the 
 two well-instructed elders heard him so powerful 
 in the letter, they took him undjer their pruning 
 hand, and taught him the way of God more per- 
 fectly, and then he became a fellow-labourer with 
 the Apostle, and what the latter planted, Apollos 
 watered, and God alone gave the increase. 
 
 Seventh Month 9th, 1818. — Feeling a small 
 draught towards the week-day meeting at Hills- 
 borough, I thought it safest to give up, though at- 
 tended with a discouraging poverty. I sat down in 
 that state, but was rather surprised at my feelings, 
 which were covered with great stillness, that I 
 thought I had got into a quiet habitation from the 
 enemy, who on these occasions often endeavours to 
 stir up in me wandering thoughts. All was silent, 
 when there arose before me not onlydoctrines instruc- 
 tive to the Christian traveller, but encouragement 
 also to persevere in that way that I believe Truth, 
 by its Divine light, had cast up before the mind, and 
 was inviting to walk in. I waited on these openings, 
 as they moved on my mind, upwards of an hour, de- 
 siring a clearer evidence to express them, which not 
 being afforded, I was submitting to retain them for 
 some other season, and now to keep silence ; when 
 this intimation touched my mind, that Shiloh's 
 
170 THE LIFE OF 
 
 waters run softly, which had the healing effect to 
 strengthen my feeble knees, so that I stood up, and 
 proceeding quietly on by little and little, as it was 
 afforded me, they gradually increased to a pretty full 
 stream of comfort and consolation to my own poor 
 state, and I hope also to the minds of some others, 
 the savour of which remained with me, and the next 
 day also, relieving me from that state of desertion 
 which is very often my experience. Thy ways, oh 
 Lord ! with the children of men, are wonderful, and 
 past human wisdom to find out ; the stork knoweth 
 its way in the heavens, because it is instructed by 
 thee, but man, by refusing Divine instruction, 
 knoweth not his way, it is past his finding out. 
 
 I am now in the 79th year of my age, and I be- 
 lieve I may say I feel my watchfulness increased, 
 having to examine carefully almost every word or 
 sentence I make use of, lest by any means I should 
 miss of so great salvation which has been offered to 
 me in the discovering light of Christ. Oh! ye 
 careless ones, and lukewarm professors of the 
 blessed Truth, who have neglected your day's work 
 in the day of God's mercy to your souls, and are 
 spending your money (or talent) upon that which 
 doth not profit, what will ye do when the end 
 comes, and the talent is called for with usury ? 
 
 20th. — Our family was broken up in Tromra ; my 
 daughter-in-law, with the children, went to her 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 171 
 
 father's, and in a few days after, I went to Belfast, 
 to J. B.'s, and staid there till about the 26th of 
 Ninth Month. My abode there was pleasant ; I 
 had some open and satisfactory opportunities in 
 their meeting, the recollection of which has been 
 consolatory to my feelings. 
 
 Twelfth Month 23d. — I felt my mind drawn to 
 attend the Monthly Meeting at Grange, (County of 
 Tyrone), feeling a sympathy with the suffering seed 
 in that place; the privileges of Christ's sheep were 
 shown forth, not the least of which was that of 
 being enabled to distinguish His voice from that of 
 the stranger, which they will not follow because he 
 is a stranger — Christ leads His sheep at times into 
 green pastures, and by the still waters, causes them 
 to drink of Shiloh's brook that runs softly, brings 
 them down to the washing pool, and up again, bear- 
 ing twins, a meek and quiet spirit and love to God 
 and their neighbour. When I sat down a restless 
 spirit, (one who had been disowned) stood up and 
 preached against the old prophet, but it was to me 
 as a sounding brass, being void of that clrarity which 
 thinketh no evil, but rejoiceth in the good in whom- 
 soever it appeareth : my services in both meetings 
 were I believe acceptable to some and brought 
 peace to my own mind. 
 
 25th. — This morning early, I was deeply humbled 
 with a sharp attack of the enemy, lest I should be 
 
172 THE LITE OF 
 
 exalted or assume any glory to myself, which justly 
 belonged to my gracious Lord and Master : shame 
 and confusion of face was my portion. After 
 breakfast, in my usual retirement in my chamber, 
 I was mercifully comforted with a fresh instance 
 of Divine regard flowing into my soul, which healed 
 my wounded spirit, showing to me that He can 
 wound, and that He also can heal, blessed and 
 praised be His almighty and holy name, now and 
 for ever. Amen ! 
 
 [Frequent mention is made in his memoranda of 
 these seasons of daily inward waiting on the Lord, 
 they often extended to the space of two hours, and 
 were made to him times of deep instruction, or 
 inward refreshment, or as he himself expresses it, 
 occasions in which he experienced something of 
 what the apostle describes as "the renewings of 
 the Holy Ghost." The Editor, while selecting from 
 these private memorials, has been impressed with 
 the excellence of John Conran's example in this 
 respect, and can hardly forbear expressing the de- 
 sire that it may be more generally followed : for 
 while the leisure of many might not admit of such 
 lengthened abstraction from their daily avocations, 
 none it is believed, would be permitted to go unre- 
 warded for dedicating such a portion of time, as 
 they could rightly spare from their temporal duties, 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 173 
 
 to seeking for that soul-sustaining food without 
 ■which, the spiritual life must languish and decay 
 — needful alike for all, but especially important 
 for those who feel themselves called upon like 
 John Conran to become leaders and teachers of 
 the people.] 
 
 Second Month, 1819. — I have had a wilderness 
 travail for some weeks, having passed through 
 some bitter baptisms in secret, but my only con- 
 solation is that the Lord can deliver out of them 
 all ; though the fire of temptation is permitted to 
 burn, it is He only who can quench the fiery darts 
 of the wicked one. I go mourning on my way 
 daily, looking for Him whom my soul loveth, but 
 find Him not. How long, Lord, wilt thou hide 
 thyself? for in thy holy presence' there used to be 
 joy, and with thee is peace for evermore. 
 
 Vlth. — Attended the Monthly Meeting at Lis- 
 burn, and had the company of Benjamin White 
 from Pennsylvania, and John Pirn from London, 
 the former was largely engaged in gospel labour, I 
 sat very much in my usual manner, little and low. 
 
174 THE LIFE OF 
 
 CHAPTEE VII. 
 
 1819. HE BECOMES A MEMBER OF LURGAN 
 MONTHLY MEETING — RELIGIOUS EXERCISES — 
 ACCOMPANIES JOHN KIRKHAM AND VISITS THE 
 FAMILIES WITH HIM IN DUBLIN — CONTINUA- 
 TION OF HIS EXERCISES AND SERVICES. 
 
 Third Montli 22d. — I am now removed by cer- 
 tificate into the bounds of the Monthly Meeting of 
 Lurgan, and am settled in Moyallen in the family 
 of my friend T. C. W., which feels to my satisfac- 
 tion. It was in the meeting of Lurgan, I first felt 
 the principle of life and light which manifested to 
 me my lost state and condition, and caused me to 
 cry secretly for " a Saviour or I die, a Redeemer or 
 I perish," — and it was in the meeting of Lurgan 
 that my mouth was opened the first time in a public 
 testimony, for the Truth. The present state of this 
 Monthly Meeting feels to me very discouraging — 
 the Aarons and Hurs are very few — their meetings 
 for discipline composed of about eight or nine men 
 — and a spirit gone forth that has laid waste some 
 families that were once valiant for the Truth, whose 
 influence has operated like the tail of the serpent 
 
JOHN CON RAN. 175 
 
 to draw many down after them ; the spirit of anti- 
 christ is to be felt at times denying the Son to be 
 of the Father in that fulness which He declared of 
 Himself — a depressing prospect for me, but no 
 other appeared to open before me, and I was shut 
 out of my two former habitations. Yesterday I 
 stood up in meeting here with an opening on the 
 necessity of having a true and living faith in God 
 through the manifestations of the Divine Light, 
 which is Christ, and though in my silent sitting, 
 clear doctrine had opened to my view on that sub- 
 ject, I said but a few passages, when I felt a spirit 
 of opposition and resistance, and sat down under 
 my burden, sorrowful on their account. 
 
 Fifth Month 3d. — I returned from the Yearly 
 Meeting in Dublin, which was large, our friend 
 Benjamin White, was frequently and largely con- 
 cerned in the meetings, and his companion John 
 Pirn. I was often in silence, being rather a burden- 
 bearer than a testimony-bearer, but I hope was 
 sometimes suitably opened into some of the states 
 of the church. In the Select Meeting I had to 
 exhort the members, as my fellow-labourers in the 
 gospel, to stand plumb upon the living Founda- 
 tion, for if a pillar leaned to any side it showed 
 weakness, or a disposition to slide off the founda- 
 tion ; if that should happen, the pillar will be of 
 no farther use in the house* but must be cast out. 
 
1T6 THE LIFE OF 
 
 There were two members of that meeting, soob 
 after removed from their stations. 
 
 My offerings in meetings, though pretty frequent, 
 yet are very short, sometimes only a few sentences, 
 but they often bring with them a solemnity and 
 peace to my own mind. Other dear Friends, with 
 whom I am sometimes their companion in travail, 
 can launch out into the deep, whilst I can only 
 keep near the shore with very little sail ; if it were 
 not for the evidence of life attending the morsel, I 
 should be ready to conclude I had lost ground, 
 not comprehending the cause, and this language 
 is sometimes uttered under great depression of 
 spirit, " My God, my God, why hast thou for- 
 saken me !" My inward exercises are very great 
 indeed — contend not, I beseech it of thee, with thy 
 judgments in my soul, for what am I before thee? 
 but a worm, unworthy of the least of' thy mercies ! 
 Oh ! Mercy, that I am not consumed, for I am 
 hateful in my own sight ; how, then, must I ap- 
 pear in thy most holy and most pure sight, when 
 the very heavens are not clean before thee ? Then, 
 oh Lord ! do I cast down every high thought and 
 imagination of myself, and sit in the dust at thy 
 footstool, and there desire to receive the law from 
 thy mouth. Thy judgments sink deep in my soul ; . 
 when thou visits the people with them, they will 
 learn righteousness, and I fear not till then. Many 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 177 
 
 in this meeting having strayed from thy fold, and 
 some of them into afar country, from whence they 
 may never find their return, unless thou art pleased 
 in mercy to stretch forth the shepherd's crook of 
 thy love, and draw them. 
 
 Seventh Month 8th. — Week-day meeting at Moy- 
 allen, a small company. I felt a concern to rest 
 on my mind to show the loving mercies of God to 
 mankind, and how unwilling He is that any should 
 be lost to that great salvation that He hath prepared 
 before the face of all men, to whom, for this gra- 
 cious end and purpose, He hath given a portion of 
 His own blessed Spirit, which, w T hen they will not 
 obey, He sends His servants, rising up and sending 
 them. And He hath also given to us other tokens 
 to warn us of His coming to judgment, the gradual 
 decay of our bodies, natural faculties, and intellects; 
 even these are often not sufficient to awaken us to 
 a feeling so as to prepare us for our Lord's coming. 
 Ephraim, we read, had grey hairs upon him, yet he 
 knew it not — also other states which that favoured 
 tribe w T as in, which prevented him from lending his 
 ear to the instructing voice of God. My concern 
 was warm for some present, and I had to express 
 that the door was still open, that they might 
 enter in, and find bread to eat, and raiment to put 
 on, that would cover their nakedness ; but if the 
 Master of the house should rise up and shut to tho 
 
178 THE LIFE OF 
 
 door, that they might knock and not get entrance, 
 for His declaration is that His Spirit shall not 
 always strive with man. If we let the day pass 
 over our heads, and the night overtake us, we may 
 then grope for the wall, and not be able to find 
 that whereon we can rest, and I believe this might 
 be the last call before the command goes forth to 
 " let Ephraim alone," — desiring that no one might 
 say this is not for me, and shift, if they can, the 
 weight from themselves to others ; but turn to the 
 Light, and as the disciples did formerly ask, 
 "Lord, is it I ?" and the right one will feel this 
 answer, " Thou hast said it." 
 
 Eighth Month, — I accompanied my friend, John 
 Kirkham, from Essex to the following meetings, 
 viz., Lurgan, Lisburn, Hillsborough, Belfast, Moy- 
 allen, and Richhill, in all of which his service was 
 considerable, and mine very small, having been kept 
 little and low for some time ; but it is the Lord's 
 doing, and I am resigned to it ; He gave, and He 
 hath taken away, blessed be His holy name. 
 
 [In the Tenth and Eleventh Months, he visited the 
 families of Friends in Dublin, with John Kirkham, 
 upon which he remarks] : " Though I had the con- 
 cern for some years on my mind, at times very 
 strongly, yet I believe the right time was mercifully 
 pointed out, and this I acknowledge with secret 
 thanksgiving to Him whose counsel is wisdom, and 
 
 
THE LIFE OF 179 
 
 His own works do praise Him. I entered the fami- 
 lies greatly stripped, but in my silent waiting on 
 that Fountain which never can be drawn dry, I was 
 favoured gradually to feel light to arise out of dark- 
 ness, and by following it I was enabled to minister 
 sometimes in little and low places, and at other 
 times more plentifully, to my own peace, and I hope 
 to the edification of others. In two meetings I was 
 favoured to unburden my mind in a full testimony 
 against that prevailing and dangerous principle of 
 infidelity which I fear has taken root in some minds 
 amongst us, but it is to be feared more deeply 
 among the people at large. I was silent in thirty- 
 three meetings, but at times the gift operated on 
 me in silent tears, to my comfort, peace, and resig- 
 nation ; I believe it was good for me that I was 
 there, and am thankful for the [Divine] aid in help- 
 ing me to go forth under my varied exercises ; the 
 praise is due, not to me in any wise, but to the all- 
 wise and good Helper of those whose only reliance 
 is upon His Divine support. I returned home with 
 peace, but it was succeeded by a trying state of 
 poverty in our own meeting, and when apprehending 
 myself required to express anything in meeting, had 
 to do it with a stammering tongue and faltering 
 lips, and to close with very few words, very little 
 being committed to me ; but I abide with the little, 
 and endeavour patiently to submit to the present 
 
180 THE LIFE OF 
 
 dispensation, though at times these expressions 
 escape my lips, " Hast thou forsaken me ?" 
 
 Second Month Ylth, 1820.— I attended the 
 Monthly Meeting in Lisburn, which was large, but 
 a low, heavy, wading meeting ; I was held in silence, 
 not feeling any thing but great poverty, which is 
 generally my experience in that meeting ; the world 
 is the cloud that overshadows the tabernacle, by 
 which the Sun of Righteousness is obscured. When, 
 oh Lord ! wilt thou arise, for thy great name's sake, 
 and dispel these mists, that the people may see 
 where their help is laid ! The gods of silver and 
 of gold are the works of men's hands, but the work 
 of righteousness is thine, and brings peace, quiet- 
 ness, and assurance, and that for evermore ! 
 
 2±th. — At the Monthly Meeting in Richhill, I 
 was a long time in silence : when I stood up, I said 
 to this effect, that were I to express my feelings at 
 this time, I should say I apprehend myself to be 
 led into the valley among the dry bones, and that 
 they w r ere very dry ; but I felt the caution of the 
 prophet to possess my mind, when he was asked if 
 those bones could live ; he did not rashly enter into 
 judgment upon his brethren, but referred the judg- 
 ment to the Judge of quick and dead, saying, 
 "Lord,thouknowest." — Xeitherdidl,remembering 
 that He who raised Lazarus from the dead, could 
 raise up an army from the dry bones who should 
 
JOHN CON RAN. 181 
 
 stand for His blessed name's sake. And though 
 the state of things may now be very low among 
 them, yet I believed there was a remnant present, 
 who should be encouraged to persevere and hold 
 on their way, and use the little strength they had, 
 and that it w T ould be increased, if faithfulness were 
 abode in. 
 
 Third Month. — The Quarterly Meeting in Lis- 
 burn, to me, was but a low time ; after it, I went 
 to Belfast, and sat in their week-day meeting and 
 two meetings on the First-day, which were satis- 
 factory. If the few there keep faithful to what is 
 already made known, the little will be increased, and 
 they will be made as way-marks to others : for I 
 believe there is a right seed sown in that place, which 
 is vegetating, and will in the Lord's time show it- 
 self green above the earth, which now covers it from 
 outward view. I feel that love towards it that is 
 stronger than death, and it will prevail. 
 
 26th,First-day. — After reading the Scriptures in 
 the evening, we had a season of solemn silence, in 
 which I felt my mind concerned to express the 
 benefits derived to us under the Gospel dispensa- 
 tion, in which our lots are cast in this day — that 
 there is not now any occasion for one man to say 
 unto another, or to a brother, " Know T the Lord ;" 
 for all may know Him, from the least to the greatest 
 — neither need we say one to another, " Who shall 
 
182 THE LIFE OF 
 
 go up to heaven, or to the furthermost parts of the 
 earth, to bring Christ from thence, that we may 
 hear Him and obey Him ;" for He, the Word,is near 
 to each of us, in the heart and in the mind, telling 
 each of us the way, and to walk in it — that though 
 the Scriptures are the words of God, yet Christ is 
 the Word that was before the Scriptures — that all 
 things were made by Him, and that when He, the 
 First-born, came into the world, the angels of God 
 were commanded to worship Him — that He is the 
 Light of the world — that a measure and manifesta- 
 tion of this Divine illumination is given to every one 
 to profit withal, which if we follow in the way of its 
 leadings, will lead us in the straight and narrow 
 way, which ends in eternal life. We are all candi- 
 dates for this glorious end, and the voice of Divine 
 mercy has gone forth throughout the earth, inviting 
 us to come to this Light, which is Christ; and 
 what by nature we cannot do, His holy Spirit will 
 enable us to do, if faithfulness is abode in, and He 
 will save us with an everlasting salvation, which 
 the works of the law could not accomplish. My 
 mind was principally drawn to the servants, five of . 
 whom were present, and one of them had been 
 clerk to a public worship house ; the opportunity 
 closed under a solemn covering. 
 
 Fifth Month 9th. — I came home last evening from 
 the Yearly Meeting in Dublin, our dear friend, S. G., 
 
JOHN CON RAN. 188 
 
 with his companion, "VV. Allen, were there, and had 
 considerable service in the meetings, and a paper 
 recounting some of their travels in foreign parts 
 was read, which, with some verbal communications 
 from S. Gr., were truly gratifying, and instructive 
 to put our trust and confidence in the Divine 
 counsel, and not to fear what man can do. I was 
 in silence in all the public meetings, but returned 
 in peace, and was satisfied I was there. 
 
 IQth. — I felt my mind drawn to the Monthly 
 Meeting at Lisburn, which I attended, also the 
 Meeting of Ministers and Elders, where, in refer- 
 ence to a deficiency in bringing families to meeting, 
 I remarked that the authority which parents had 
 given them by the Great Parent of the family should 
 be maintained, as the patriarchs were kings and 
 priests in their families, and reminded them how 
 the centurion was praised for supporting his autho- 
 rity in his family. The succeeding meeting was 
 very low, and I sat a long time much depressed, 
 when I had to say that the foundation of true Gospel 
 ministry was love — that God so loved the world 
 that He sent His only begotten Son into it — that 
 He the Minister of ministers, preached to the 
 people love to God above all, and love to our neigh- 
 bour — that his church was built without hands, and 
 did not need the support of men's hands — that 
 whoever ministered in it should remember the 
 
184 THE LIFE OF 
 
 advice of the apostle, to minister in that ability 
 -which God giveth — that if any ministered out of 
 this ability, their foundation is comparable to hay, 
 straw, &c, and will be consumed, as God is said to 
 be a consuming fire ; and as He is also said to be 
 jealous, His glory He will not give to man, nor 
 His praise to the works of men, for His own works 
 do praise Him, and if any one should take that 
 honour to themselves, they will lie down in sorrow. 
 
 Eighth Month 9th. — A meeting was appointed 
 at Moyallen for Charles Parker, of Yealand, and 
 Daniel Oliver, of Newcastle, and the next day one 
 at Lurgan, which I attended ; they were both low 
 times. In the latter, I had to remind Friends of 
 the prize that is set before them, a crown of glory 
 eternal in the heavens; but if we do not run we 
 shall not obtain — if we stand still, we shall be 
 found in the same spot at the end of the race. 
 "So run, that ye may obtain. *' 
 
 11th. — This morning as I lay awake before day, 
 I felt a flow of Gospel truths to break forth in my 
 mind — attended with life, showing the necessity of 
 experiencing the new birth brought forth in us ; 
 till that is the case, let our profession of religion be 
 what it may, or our name be ever so high, we are in 
 the Gentile nature, and our worship is in the outer 
 court. This felt to me at the time so clear, that I 
 thought nothing could gainsay it, nevertheless if 
 
JOHN CON RAN. 185 
 
 the blind eye is not Divinely opened, it cannot see 
 into this mystery. God made a covenant with 
 Israel at Sinai, which covenant they did not keep ; 
 He has made a covenant in these latter days by 
 writing His law in the*heart, and in the mind, and 
 those who break this covenant and will not keep it 
 are not the Lord's people, nor is He their God, as 
 they do not worship him. These truths were sealed 
 on my mind, and as things new and old are brought 
 out of the scribe's treasury, so in the newness of 
 life they may be brought forth to the edification of 
 some. Blessed are the eyes which see these things 
 and have faith given to believe them, they shall no 
 longer wander in darkness, but shall have the light 
 of life. My spirit was deeply bowed with thank- 
 fulness, and peace was the covering of it. 
 
 Ninth Month 2d. — The Quarterly Meeting in 
 Grange, was very large, supposed to be above 600 
 persons. Charles Parker and companion were 
 there ; I may say I was thankful to be present, al- 
 though I was in a stripped state, and wearied in 
 body with my journey from Belfast. The close of 
 the meeting for discipline was comfortable, I was 
 drawn forth in supplication, that the little remnant 
 w T ho had toiled and laboured all the night, might 
 be favoured to return to their habitations, with a 
 portion of that bread which had been broken 
 among us, by Him who feedeth the young ravens, 
 
186 THE LIFE OF 
 
 and those who sincerely ask it from Him — that they 
 and their families might rejoice together, in thanks- 
 giving and praise, to Him who only is worthy, now 
 and for evermore ! I had a desire to see the 
 Friends of that particular meeting, next day, in 
 their week-day meeting, which they very fully at- 
 tended, and I was concerned to deal closely with 
 them, for their general neglect of this reasonable 
 service, telling them that I felt the Divine jealousy 
 raised, so as almost to close me from any commu- 
 nication at that time, which was the reason I was 
 held so long in silence — because the servant's invita- 
 tion had been more attended to than that of the 
 Master, who had so often invited, not only by His 
 holy Spirit in their hearts, but also by His servants 
 — that we called Him Master and Lord, but did not 
 honour and obey Him as such, nor yet confess 
 Him before men as we ought to do, <fcc. I returned 
 home in the evening, with a sheaf in my bosom. 
 
 17th. — I attended the meeting at Richhill, and a 
 public one by desire of Xathan Hunt, from North 
 Carolina, who was largely engaged in testimony 
 therein, to the exalting of our principles, and ad- 
 dressing himself to many states present, I believe, 
 very suitably ; and although occupied at home in a 
 laborious line, to maintain himself and family, being 
 a blacksmith, nevertheless he had the tongue of a 
 scribe well instructed, bringing things new and old 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 187 
 
 out of his treasury, and was as a polished shaft in 
 his Master's quiver, wounding and bringing down 
 the hairy scalp of his enemies. I felt myself so 
 small and little, that I durst not venture to my 
 tent door, even to look after this man of God, as 
 he entered into the tabernacle ! 
 
 Tenth Monthlst. — First-day, I am now returned 
 from meeting, where I have been practically in- 
 structed that I am little and low, and of no account 
 in my own eyes, and perhaps in the eyes of others 
 also; the life seems to be much veiled in me, yet I 
 feel a necessity to move with the little, and to be 
 content therewith ; this has been my lot for a long 
 time in this meeting, but when the great Shepherd 
 shall appear, we may hope to appear with Him. I 
 have been now for a considerable time closely 
 beset, especially in the night-season, by the enemy 
 who is permitted to assault me, and I have cried 
 most earnestly for help, which has been mercifully 
 afforded, when my strength failed. If those who 
 are acquainted with the Source of help, are 
 scarcely saved from the jaws of the devourer, 
 where shall the sinner and the ungodly appear ! 
 
 19th. — Week-day meeting here, after a long time 
 in silence the [subject of the] ten lepers who were 
 cleansed was opened before me — only one returned 
 to give God thanks, and he was a stranger, not of 
 the house of Israel, where were the nine ? strangers 
 
188 THE LIFE OF 
 
 will be called in to sit at the table with Abraham, 
 Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of heaven, while 
 the children of the kingdom shall be cast out ; for 
 the time may not be far distant when many, who 
 have not been favoured as we have, with one servant 
 after another being sent with their lives in their 
 hands, to invite, saying, " Behold all things are 
 ready, come ye and eat at the Lord's table," whilst 
 we are making excuses, forgetful of His mercies — 
 I say these strangers will come to the light, flocking 
 like doves to the windows, and will fill up our va- 
 cant seats, for His table shall be filled, and the 
 children of the bridechamber be cast out, if they 
 will not hear. When the Divine light first shone 
 into my heart, I was a stranger also, but I imme- 
 diately cleaved to it, and surrendered my body, 
 soul, and spirit to it, willing to give all up to be 
 possessed of this precious pearl ; and I have been 
 mercifully preserved in the love of it to this day, 
 now about eighty-one years of age ; praise the 
 Lord, my soul, for His mercy endureth for 
 ever, to those who love and fear him. 
 
 Twelfth Month. — At the Quarterly Meeting at 
 Lurgan, we had the company of Huldah Sears from 
 Virginia, who had large service ; I was shut up in 
 the several sittings, but the last, on Third-day, when 
 I was enlarged in comparing the shadows of the 
 law, with the substance revealed in the Gospel. 
 
JOHN CON RAN. 189 
 
 In the meeting for discipline, the answers from the 
 several Monthly Meetings, showing a considerable 
 deficiency in the attendance of week-day meetings, 
 brought a deep exercise over us for some time, 
 and a consideration arose, what could be done to 
 endeavour to apply some remedy to this complaint, 
 uttered in every meeting for discipline. After a 
 time of retirement, it opened in my mind to pro- 
 pose the appointment of a committee, to pay a visit 
 to the several Preparative Meetings, and to endea- 
 vour to stir up Friends to this reasonable and neces- 
 sary duty, so much complained of as neglected ; 
 which was agreed to, and a committee appointed, 
 who performed the visit, I believe, to general 
 satisfaction, in the next month. 
 
 First Month, 1821. — There feels to me a disposi- 
 tion in some here, wanting to comprehend the hid- 
 den mysteries of God, and to measure them by their 
 natural understandings ; to this spirit I have some- 
 times to minister, but my labour seems in vain, it 
 must be brought to the Master Himself if cast out. 
 On First-day, I had to compare the natural man to 
 the world, in its primitive state as described by 
 Moses, void and without form, and darkness upon the 
 face of the deep, until the Spirit of God moved upon 
 the face of the waters — "and God said, Let there 
 be light, and there was light, and God saw that the 
 light was good ; and God separated the light from 
 
190 THE LIFE OE 
 
 the darkness, the light He called day. and the dark- 
 ness He called night" — man. as born of a woman, 
 is void of Divine knowledge of heavenly mysteries, 
 but endowed with a knowledge of the things neces- 
 sary for man, called '''the things of a man ;" with 
 this knowledge man generally turns the strength 
 of his mind and faculties to the obtaining of earthly 
 things ; but the Spirit of God, moving upon this 
 state, says in His own time, i; Let there be light," 
 — and in that light, man then discovers his state of 
 nature, and feels he is unable [of himself] to do 
 those things, which the secret counsel of the Most 
 High shows him in his conscience, are necessary to 
 be done, if he attains to heaven and happiness. 
 The light then is gradually separated from the 
 darkness, and the light is called the day of merci- 
 ful visitation to the benighted soul of man ; and 
 though this light appears in man. it is not of man, 
 but from God in Christ Jesus our Lord. There- 
 fore, man should give up his own wisdom in these 
 things, and wait daily at Wisdom's gate, for that 
 wisdom which alone can explain those mysteries, 
 which were hidden from ages, and are now re- 
 vealed in the second coming of Jesus Christ, [in 
 Spirit], in whom is all wisdom and knowledge, and 
 who is blessed now and for evermore ! 
 
 10th. — As I sat in my usual retirement thi3 fore- 
 noon, a stripped state was my companion, neverthe- 
 
JOHN CONKAK. 191 
 
 less I endeavoured to travel on, remembering Jacob 
 wrestled through the night season ; under this state 
 of conflict this language feelingly impressed my 
 mind, " Mordecai returned to the king's gate;" 
 which comforted me, and begot in me thanksgiving 
 and praise, that my then state was opened to me, 
 and I journeyed on with renewal of strength, prais- 
 ing God whose mercy endureth for ever. 
 
 My baptisms are frequent, by day and by night, 
 especially in the silence of the latter, though deeply 
 exercising, deep answering to deep in holy writ, yet 
 they are productive of secret prayer for preserva- 
 tion from the roaring lion, seeking to devour ; the 
 hand which was stretched forth to save Peter, is 
 stretched forth in due time, when every other help 
 fails, His saving grace is found sufficient, and my 
 little grain of faith is increased, to confess, ' Thou 
 art the Son of the everlasting Father, thou art the 
 Saviour of all who put their trust in thee !' I have 
 been favoured with precious seasons in the night 
 sometimes, when I have felt the inflowings of Di- 
 vine good to my soul, bringing the whole man into 
 solemn silence, and covering me with heavenly light ; 
 under this I have lain secretly praying for preserva- 
 tion, and acknowledging I was but dust and ashes. 
 These seasons I compared to the brook by the way 
 which refreshed after the close exercises and bap- 
 tisms I had passed through, and increased my faith 
 
192 THE LIFE OF 
 
 to say, i Lord thou hast been my Alpha, condescend 
 I beseech thee to be my Omega, now in the 82d 
 year of my age, that when thou in thy unerring 
 wisdom seest meet to call me from works to rewards, 
 I may be enabled to say, Speak, Lord, for thy 
 servant heareth, and is waiting thy coming. Praises 
 be to thy holy and blessed name who liveth and 
 reigneth for ever and ever. Amen.' 
 
 Fourth Month 1st. — First-day meeting at Moy- 
 allen : near the time of separating,a concern ripened 
 so as to encourage me to stand up and say, that the 
 church of Christ here on earth was a high distinc- 
 tion, which all bodies professing Christianity claimed 
 as their own, but let us consider what the Scrip- 
 tures say concerning it — they say it is the body of 
 Christ, of which He is the high and holy Head — 
 that it receives strength and nourishment from the 
 Head — that as the oil was poured upon the head of 
 Aaron, which ran down his beard to the nethermost 
 skirts of his garments, so doth the unction from the 
 holy One, run down from the highest to the lowest 
 member of His body — that Christ is the officiating 
 minister in His church, making use of servants and 
 handmaids, as He did in the Jewish church — that 
 such are made holy, harmless, undefiled, and sepa- 
 rate from sinners, as He told his people formerly, 
 " Be ye holy, for I am holy," as the Head is holy 
 so mu&t the members (the body) be holy also, by 
 
JOHN CONKAN. 193 
 
 having their robes made white in the blood of the 
 Lamb, who is the Word of God — which Word is 
 in each of us, as a swift witness against every 
 appearance of evil, reproving and condemning it, 
 and as we submit thereto, our sins will be washed 
 away, and we shall be clothed with the fine linen, 
 which is the righteousness of the saints — that it is 
 not [a mere reliance on] Christ without us which 
 will give us admittance into the kingdom of heaven, 
 though we may plead having eaten and drunk in 
 His presence, and that He taught in our streets — it 
 is Christ within us that will give us the blessed 
 hope of glory — for there is no seed can destroy sin 
 in man but Christ the Seed of the woman — -and if 
 we live in sin and die in it, "Depart from me ye 
 workers of iniquity, I know you -not," is the sen- 
 tence on those who are not washed and cleansed by 
 the inspeaking Word of God, who told His disci- 
 ples, "Now ye are clean through the w r ord that I 
 have spoken unto you." The Meeting concluded 
 under a solemn covering. 
 
 From Charles Parker to John Conran. 
 Yealand, Fourth Month 6th, 1821. 
 My Dear Friend, 
 I was duly favoured with thy acceptable letter, 
 and glad to observe therefrom the revival of an ex- 
 ercise in your Quarterly Meeting to extend labour 
 13 
 
194 THE LIFE OF 
 
 for the help of each other, and to carry home and 
 communicate to individuals and families what may 
 be unfolded to you of their states and conditions — 
 to point out the path of danger, and hold forth the 
 inviting language of " Come brother come sister, 
 let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the 
 house of the God of Jacob, and He will teach us of 
 His ways," &c. In my younger days an exercise 
 of this sort was yearly performed in the meeting 
 wherein I resided, by appointment of the Monthly 
 Meeting, and I think I am a witness of its profit- 
 able tendency, both among the youth and others ; 
 but it hath been rarely moved in of later years, and 
 then mostly under the concern of individuals who 
 have been travelling in the work of the ministry 
 only. Probably it may be allowable to think that, 
 in consequence of the decline of such care, defect 
 and indifference have more abounded, and the love 
 of many has become more cold ; it has at least been 
 evident, in many places, that deadness and forma- 
 lity have more prevailed, and, "Am I my brother's 
 keeper ?" has been the language more exhibited in 
 conduct, if not in expression, for want of minding 
 and improving the gift that is in them. 
 
 I can feelingly sympathize with my dear friends 
 in Ireland, they have had much to try them, and 
 much to discourage them ; yet the Lord's arm is 
 not shortened that He cannot save, nor His ear 
 
JOHN CON RAN. 195 
 
 grown heavy that He cannot hear the secret 
 breathings and petitions of His dependent children 
 and people. But the things of time and of sense 
 have tended greatly to weaken, as well as the 
 undue influence of false brethren ; and I cordially 
 unite in desire that my fellow-professors, both in 
 Ireland and the land of my nativity, may come 
 out from them and be separate — may not touch 
 the unclean thing, that He may receive us, and be 
 unto us a Father, and we become His sons and 
 daughters. Thy remark concerning those who 
 have separated from you, and are not now of you, 
 I cordially unite with, for, however cases may dif- 
 fer as to the cause of departure of any, something 
 is at least due as an acknowledgment from such 
 who desire to return ; and if they are made sen- 
 sible of their mistake, and the real ground of their 
 desire for a reunion with the body arise from con- 
 viction, I do hope it will be no task to such, but 
 rather a relief, to make their situation truly known, 
 and cause it to accompany their request. 
 
 I am,with sincere esteem, thy affectionate friend, 
 
 Charles Parker. 
 
 Hay, in Brecknockshire, Wales, 
 17th of Fourth Month, 1821. 
 
 Being here on my journey, I am desired to pre- 
 sent thee with the love of our dear friend, Nathan 
 Hunt, whom I expect thou wilt see in Dublin, and 
 
196 THE LIFE OF 
 
 may add, that I feel helped on my way, as I was 
 favoured to be in Ireland. 
 
 lAth. — Monthly Meeting in Lurgan : this morn- 
 ing early before I arose, I felt a gentle stream of 
 Gospel truths flow in my mind for some time, some 
 portions of holy writ were opened in a view that I 
 never saw before ; when I arose, all was wiped out, 
 and a trying poverty succeeded, in which I se- 
 cretly craved that I might be spared going to 
 meeting ; but I had to go, and in it the waters rose 
 so high as to become a broad river to swim in of 
 new matter, what I saw in the morning not appear- 
 ing; sundry states were clearly opened and spoken 
 to, the previous baptism I passed through showed 
 me clearly to w T hom the praise belonged, to me it 
 did not, for without His holy help I can do noth- 
 ing that is good. 
 
 Fifth Month 13th. — As I lay awake early this ■ 
 morning I felt life spring up in my mind with this 
 expression, "I will be with thee wherever thou 
 goest," which brought thangsgiving and praise to 
 Him who liveth for ever. I felt myself most un- 
 worthy to be thus cared for, but He careth for the 
 sparrows, and a hair of our head falleth not to the 
 ground without His notice. In the meeting I was 
 low and poor till near the conclusion, when I felt a 
 little life to arise, with an invitation to come to 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 197 
 
 Christ and learn of Him who is meek and lowly of 
 heart — that He being the express image of His 
 Father, full of grace and full of truth, what teacher 
 on earth can we find so capable and able to bring 
 us to God ? He invites us this day to learn of 
 Him, but the stumbling-block is in the way — His 
 yoke must be taken up, His cross borne, which is 
 the teaching of His holy Spirit, denying all ungod- 
 liness and worldly lusts; for He will not pour the 
 new wine of His heavenly kingdom into our old 
 bottles, all must be made new. There was a sweet 
 solemnity over the meeting, and under it we sepa- 
 rated : it may be said " He wakeneth me morning 
 by morning, He wakeneth my ear to hear as the 
 learned." 
 
 Sixth Month 5th. — Our Quarterly Meeting con- 
 cluded, many of the younger class attended; I 
 think I may say it was a favoured meeting, and 
 that the great Head of the church vouchsafed His 
 holy presence at times amongst us, and I hope 
 broke the bread of life, and handed it through His 
 instruments to the comfort and consolation of some 
 who were of the mourners in Zion. My baptisms 
 previous to this season for some weeks were trying ; 
 — am I forsaken ? hast thou forgotten to be gra- 
 cious ? But I was favoured with patience and hope 
 to sustain me, as upon examination, into which I 
 was led, I did not find any transgression brought 
 
198 THE LIFE OF 
 
 against me. I do not remember any meeting in 
 which I was more helped than in this : to Him only 
 be the praise, who is the helper of those who put 
 their whole trust in Him ! 
 
 Seventh Month 8th. — As I sat in meeting, a flow 
 of sound gospel doctrines moved in my mind, con- 
 nected and supported by appropriate portions of 
 Scripture ; but though I could subscribe in my 
 judgment to them as gospel truths, yet I kept still 
 in my retirement, not feeling the life with them 
 [requiring utterance], which is more than meat to 
 the soul that truly waits for that bread which comes 
 not from men, but from heaven ; for nothing but 
 the Spirit of God can gather to God, according to 
 the doctrine of our blessed Lord, that of ourselves 
 we can do nothing. At length life arose, and I 
 stood up in it, and declared the state I had been 
 baptized into, comparing it to that the prophet 
 Elijah was tried with in the mount, when the super- 
 natural appearances of the strong wind, the earth- 
 quake and the fire, passed before him. He was not 
 moved by them, but remained in the cave, for the 
 Lord was not with them. He came forth when he 
 heard the still small voice, wrapping his face in his 
 mantle, by keeping his eye steadily fixed on the 
 Lord, his holy Head, he was mercifully preserved 
 from the [delusion of the] false prophet, and re- 
 ceived his commission to "go and anoint," &c. 1 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 199 
 
 had to compare the above state to that of such as 
 take upon themselves, and are appointed by man, as 
 ministers of the Gospel, not waiting for nor even 
 expecting the Divine unction from the Holy One to 
 qualify them, and so come ready prepared with 
 written documents compiled from the holy Scrip- 
 tures, which the natural man easily comprehends 
 and readily subscribes to, bearing in his view such a 
 resemblance [to his state] as face answers face in a 
 glass, but going away under these impressions which 
 are superficially made by man, he straightway for- 
 gets what manner of man he is. But the words of 
 Christ preaching in the heart are with that power 
 from above as reaches to the edifying of his body in 
 love, and the convin cement of the hearers that we 
 must no longer continue in sin if we expect to be 
 incorporated as members in Christ's body.* His 
 church militant on earth — and that Christ in us, 
 by His light and grace, is our only hope of glory. 
 The true gospel ministers turn the hearers to Him 
 as a Teacher, and from man, whose breath is in 
 his nostrils, and who cannot, with all his acquired 
 learning, make that strait in himself which is by 
 nature crooked, nor open his own blind eyes to see 
 
 * I have not sent these prophets, yet they ran : I have not 
 spoken to them, yet they prophesied. But if they had stood in 
 my counsel, and had caused my people to hear my words, then 
 they should have turned them from their evil way, and from the 
 evil of their doings." — Jeremiah xxiii. 21, 22. 
 
200 THE LIFE OF 
 
 the beauty there is in holiness, and that the end 
 thereof is eternal life. I had to compare the 
 ministry of such to the three appearances which 
 Elijah could not acknowledge as proceeding from 
 God ; the earthquake to the agitations proceeding 
 from the natural affections of the man, which 
 never can produce . in any the righteousness of 
 God — neither that strong windy doctrine as if it 
 would rend the mountains and break the rocky 
 heart in pieces — nor was the Divine Power in the 
 fiery zeal which some cover their delivery in as 
 with a cloak — these must pass away, because they 
 are not from God, and the still small voice be 
 waited for, which always will convey certainty of 
 duty and our present states to the true waiter in 
 faith and patience. 
 
 Seventh Month 15th. — A field of offering was pre- 
 sented to my view at meeting on various subjects 
 in holy writ, and I stood up with a pretty clear 
 opening, and proceeded for some time, when a cloud 
 overshadowed me, and I paused, and the whole was 
 taken from me. A spirit of unbelief seemed to be 
 the cloud I felt, to which I had to turn, and suitable 
 doctrine was furnished largely to prove from Scrip- 
 ture the Divinity of our most blessed Lord — that 
 He was the Son of G<}d, and not of Joseph — and 
 that if we did not believe in His second coming in 
 Spirit, to do away sin and to finish transgression in 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 201 
 
 those who believe in Him, such would lose the 
 benefit of His coming in the flesh, and remain dead 
 in trespasses and sins. It was a laborious exercise 
 I passed through, but I felt clear ; the wisdom of 
 man is foolishness in the sight of God ! 
 
 To 
 
 Dear Friend, 
 It was encouraging to me to hear that any por- 
 tion of the manuscript I committed to the inspec- 
 tion of thy dear father has merited his approbation, 
 with that of my much valued and beloved friend, 
 N. H. Thou mayst trace out the way the way- 
 faring men have to travel ; many are the trials and 
 probations they have to pass through, but the Lord 
 delivers them out of them all ; the dross is to be 
 purged out, and then comes forth the vessel for the 
 finer. Oh ! my dear friend, the ways of God with 
 man in the regeneration are past his finding out ; 
 the changeableness of apparel they have to put on 
 has more colours than Joseph's coat, yet it is the 
 garment the beloved child has to wear ; and though 
 false brethren may be the means of starving and 
 selling the owner into bondage, nevertheless the 
 Lord is with him, and in His own time will deliver 
 him : the rod of the wicked shall not always rest on 
 the lot of the righteous. We may have in such 
 times to walk through the shadow of death, yet 
 
202 THE LIFE OF 
 
 through faith we shall fear no evil ; His rod and 
 His staff shall comfort us, and we shall be led from 
 one degree of strength to another. 
 
 The awful situation you were placed in lately 
 affected me ; I may say my heart expanded in secret 
 thanksgiving for your preservation, and that the fire 
 was not suffered to kindle upon you. The same 
 Almighty hand which preserved the three children 
 was extended for your deliverance ; and I have not 
 any doubt but thanksgiving and praise were secretly 
 poured out in remembrance that His mercies, both 
 ancient and new, will continue for ever to those 
 who put their trust in Him, to those who will not 
 bow down to the golden image which is [as it were] 
 set up in the plain of Dura by spiritual Nebuchad- 
 nezzar. Hold on, my beloved friend, worship the 
 God of thy fathers in faithfulness and in truth ; 
 dedicate to Him the first ripe fruits of His own hus- 
 bandry, and sacrifice the lamb both evening and 
 morning, and thy works will meet with acceptance 
 before Him. Although that old altar upon which 
 many sacrifices and oblations have been previously 
 offered was permitted to fall to the ground, yet we 
 should not be too much discouraged or lay it to 
 heart; the Most High dwelleth not in temples 
 made with hands, His worship will continue the 
 same as before, and the temple which He dedicates 
 to Himself will stand whilst a man stands upon the 
 
JOHN CONKAN. 203 
 
 earth. He never will leave Himself without a wit- 
 ness to celebrate His praise and to speak well of 
 His adorable name. I feel the tendering impres- 
 sions of best love at this time for thee, [and in it 
 desire] that thou niayst hold fast that which thou 
 hast received, and let no man or thing take thy 
 crown, which the Lord has crowned thee with in 
 the day of thy espousals. 
 
 J. Conran. 
 
 Eleventh Month 17th, First-day. — I had an open 
 time to explain some of the mysteries of godliness 
 as they are hidden under the types and ordinances 
 of the law of Moses, which the natural man cannot 
 explain, as he does not comprehend them, being 
 only and alone to be spiritually understood. The 
 Divine Being burying the body of Moses, the place 
 whereof was never found by the natural man, was 
 opened to my view, and expressed nearly after this 
 manner, — that the spirituality of the law of Moses 
 was buried by God under the types and figures and 
 ordinances, which were no more than the patterns 
 of the holy things themselves which were shown 
 unto him in the Mount, (" see that thou make all 
 things according to the pattern shown unto thee in 
 the Mount,") — these were only the shadows, the 
 substance of them were reserved in heaven for 
 Christ, who was the Prophet that was to come, to 
 
204 THE LIFE OF 
 
 be a Lawgiver like unto Moses (" Him shall ye 
 hear") — the shadows did not profit them to whom 
 they came ; their bodies fell in the wilderness, save 
 a few, a remnant. But Christ being come a High 
 Priest of good things, by a greater and more perfect 
 tabernacle not made with hands, through the eter- 
 nal Spirit, offered Himself without spot to God, to 
 purge our conscience from dead works to serve the 
 living God. I had an open. time to declare of the 
 majesty and infinite power of Almighty God, dis- 
 played at Mount Sinai at the delivery of the law 
 by Moses, preceded by thunderings and lightnings, 
 and the sound of the trumpet exceeding loud ; the 
 mountain smoked as a furnace, because the Lord 
 descended in fire, and the mountain quaked greatly, 
 and the people trembled — that He is the same 
 to-day that He was in generations that are past, 
 His power the same, and can make the earthly- 
 minded men to tremble, if they will resist and 
 refuse to receive the law at His hand, and to cast 
 their idols of silver and gold to the moles and 
 the bats. 
 
 Fourth Month Ylth^ 1822. — My morning retire- 
 ments of late have been barren and unfruitful, I 
 toil and row all the night, and do not catch any- 
 thing, yet I persevere through heights and through 
 depths, hoping when the Master comes I shall be 
 instructed to let down the net on the right side of 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 205 
 
 the ship : this state experimentally shows me that 
 without Him I cannot do any thing that is good. 
 I am preparing to attend the Yearly Meeting in 
 Dublin, perhaps by this baptism, with other dis- 
 tressing assaults of the enemy, which cause me to 
 cry out for help ; this seems sometimes long in 
 coming, and occasions me to call more than twice or 
 thrice before it comes, when my lips begin (spiri- 
 tually) to tremble, fearing lest my soul should not 
 find rest in the day of trouble. These may be 
 necessary preparations for humility, that we may 
 not take any thing to ourselves but that which be- 
 longs to us, shame and confusion of face. 
 
 Sixth Month 15th.— The Monthly Meeting held 
 in Lurgan, a very small gathering and a poor low 
 time ; when the meeting for discipline was about 
 closing, under a painful exercise I felt on account of 
 the meeting, (about eight or nine men) I told them 
 I remembered when there were sixty -three families 
 who were esteemed in membership, and about sixty 
 families not in membership, when I visited them, 
 the former in their houses, and the latter in three 
 sittings, at convenient places — that, before I had 
 much or any expectation of being united to Friends, 
 in that meeting-house I received the first feelings 
 impressed on my mind that my Redeemer lived, 
 which produced joy and rejoicing in my heart, and 
 broke me into many tears, and I wept aloud — that 
 
206 THE LIFE OF 
 
 in that meeting-house, about eight years after, my 
 mouth was first opened in a public testimony for 
 that Principle of light [and life from Him,~] which 
 had formerly been experienced by me there, in these 
 expressions, " Oh ! Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that 
 killest the prophets," fee., " how often would I have 
 gathered thy children," &c, "and ye would not, 
 therefore your house is left unto you desolate !" — 
 desiring Friends to see if this prophecy was not 
 fulfilling, or nearly so, and I believed others 
 would be called in to fill their places. 
 
 2oth. — This morning early, as I lay still, some 
 passages of Scripture were opened in my mind in a 
 clearer manner than I had seen them before, they 
 flowed gently on, so that I compared them to Shiloh's 
 brook, which runs softly, and at the same time 
 waters and fertilizes the ground it passes through, 
 by increasing faith, which produces good fruits. 
 The wind which brought this state blew unex- 
 pectedly ; whence it cometh or whither it goeth, no 
 man, as man, knoweth. I was deeply humbled, and 
 poured out thanksgivings that such an one as I am 
 should be thus favoured; there were then, as on 
 other similar occasions, some of the secret things 
 which belong to God communicated unto me, which 
 are not lawful to write at this time, but are to be 
 laid up in the treasury till the key of David opens 
 and brings them forth in the newness of life. There 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 207 
 
 is a treasury in the temple of our hearts where 
 these gifts are to be cast in, and not brought forth 
 to such whose spiritual ears have not been opened 
 by the finger of God ; till then they would only be 
 objects of curiosity to the vain mind, which being 
 satisfied, the remembrance of them would pass 
 away, and leave not a profitable trace behind: 
 therefore it requires the same watchful state in 
 which they were communicated to preserve them 
 inviolate, that we may not deck ourselves with our 
 Lord's jewels, or gratify the vain mind in others. 
 Ninth Month. — I attended the Quarterly Meet- 
 ing at Grange, near Dungannon, which was the 
 largest, I think I ever saw in this province. Mary 
 Watson was there, and ha d large service. Just before 
 the meeting closed, I stood up, and said that I felt 
 that which was better than words, comparable to the 
 dew descending upon the tender herb, which would 
 make it green and fruitful if it were permitted to rest 
 upon it — that I believed it was the love of God 
 that was thus shed over the assembly, for our en- 
 couragement, not to cast away our hope and confi- 
 dence, though we may feel in a state of desertion, 
 but in order to quicken us to advance, for that we 
 are not forsaken — desiring that we may endeavour 
 to carry home to our families a share of what has 
 been now dispensed to us, as " a piece of flesh and 
 a flagon of wine," that they also may be made par- 
 
208 THE LIFE OF 
 
 takers with us. The meeting closed under a solemn 
 covering, and I came .home in peace. 
 
 [About this time he received a letter from John 
 Kirkham, of Essex, alluding so agreeably to the visit 
 which they paid together to the families of Friends 
 in Dublin, that an extract from it is here given] : — 
 
 Edinburgh, Ninth Month 28th, 1822. 
 " I have often remembered our visit at Dub- 
 lin, and still feel considerable satisfaction in the 
 remembrance of it ; for though it was attended with 
 [deep] exercise, jet, in abundant mercy, the end 
 thereof was peace. This thou canst say (with some 
 others) is that which fully repays for all ; and I 
 doubt not but thou wilt be pleased to hear that a 
 measure of this is at times the attendant of my 
 mind, in having now nearly finished my visit to the 
 dear Friends of this land. I have been as far as 
 Kinniuck, and returned to this city on Fifth-day 
 from Aberdeen. Dear John and Elizabeth YTigham, 
 of that city, are in tolerable health, but are getting 
 very infirm ; they cannot do much more in travel- 
 ling but to and from their own meeting. There are 
 a few choice Friends both at Kinmuck, Aberdeen, 
 and Glasgow, amongst whom I was permitted to be 
 comforted, which I esteem a great favour from the 
 holy Head of His own church and people. My 
 spirit salutes thee, dear friend, in kind love, and 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 209 
 
 herein I remain very affectionately thy sincere 
 friend, 
 
 John Kirkham. 
 
 Eleventh Month. — The approaching Quarterly 
 Meeting brings to me its usual baptisms, leanness 
 and deeply-trying poverty. These feelings accom- 
 pany me mostly in the night season, when I lie for 
 hours awake, resigning myself up entirely to Divine 
 disposal, who knows best what is fitting for me, de- 
 siring nothing more than mercy, and that He w T ould 
 be pleased to preserve my feet from falling into any 
 snare that would lessen my faith and confidence in 
 Him, whom I love above all things, and whose 
 displeasure in the least degree I dread, but at the 
 same time that he would not spare any thing in me 
 which should be done away. Thus I am travelling 
 on in the path which the vulture's eye hath not 
 seen ; the wisdom of man will not walk therein, 
 but the wayfaring man (though a fool as to worldly 
 wisdom) shall not err therein. This I esteem to 
 be the way cast up for the ransomed and redeemed 
 to walk in ; it leads to that self abasement which 
 puts no confidence in the flesh. This was the way 
 Paul was travelling in to humble him, lest he should 
 be exalted above measure by his visions ; the Divine 
 light shining in his heart, and showing to him that 
 in his flesh dwelleth no good thing, and so mortify- 
 14 
 
210 THE LIFE OF 
 
 ing was the view, that instead of patiently dwelling 
 under it till it produced its full effect upon him, he 
 cried out twice to be relieved from it : this was a 
 necessary baptism, preparing to place no manner of 
 confidence in any thing that is short of the assist- 
 ance of the grace of God, immediately revealed*. 
 May it always be my blessed experience to be thus 
 baptized into a lively sense of my state and condi- 
 tion by nature, in which I cannot do any good 
 thing ; that in the Lord's own time I may be 
 favoured with the renewings of His holy Spirit, 
 which will bring with them life and immortality to 
 light, to the strengthening and refreshing of my 
 soul in God, through Jesus Christ my Lord. 
 
 In the first Month, 1823, the eldest son in this 
 family, residing near Dublin, was taken ill with a 
 fever, in which he lay above forty days, and was 
 attended by three doctors ; the sorrowful tidings 
 came here that the doctors had but little hopes of 
 him, which threw the family into deep distress. 
 That day I felt and sympathized with them very 
 nearly, and retiring with these impressions into my 
 chamber, I felt my spirit drawn forth in prayer, that 
 if it was consistent with the Divine will, he might 
 be spared, they being a family who had afforded me 
 shelter when I had been turned out of two houses, 
 and had treated me kindly. When I had ended, 
 this language was clearly impressed on my mind, 
 
JOHN CONE, AN. 211 
 
 " Thy petition is granted/' My faith in it was 
 severely tried before it was accomplished ; for about 
 five weeks he was confined to his bed, and once or 
 twice was laid out as if he was going ; but last week 
 he showed such favorable symptoms that the 
 doctors were discharged, and his mother returned 
 home from attending him. 
 
 Second Month 6th, 1823. — Longbefore day-light, 
 I felt my mind impressed with the doctrine of per- 
 fection, which we maintain as a religious Society, 
 and is opposed by other Christian professors as im- 
 possible and contrary to Scripture ; whereas Scrip- 
 ture declares man was made in the image of God — 
 the impression here received was holy,harmless as to 
 the other parts of the animal creation, (his food be- 
 ing confined to the green herbs and fruits ;) he was a 
 stranger to every sinful appetite, worshipping God 
 in spirit and in truth, not having any temples made 
 with hands ; his union and communion was with God 
 — he walked with Him, he knew His voice, and fol- 
 lowed it. Here was a state of perfection, laid out 
 for man during his residence here below, had he 
 obeyed the Divine command ; God saw that this 
 state was good, and blessed it. From this by trans- 
 gression he fell, and introduced sin in the place 
 thereof, and death to this blessed state through 
 sin ; thereby losing the union and communion of 
 the Holy Spirit. *In this state of darkness and de- 
 
212 THE LIFE OF 
 
 reliction, man found out many inventions, and set 
 up a form of worship, in imitation of that he had 
 lost, which being of his own invention, led him forth 
 from God to the lower creation, and he became so 
 darkened, that he worshipped he knew not what ; 
 he lost the dominion over that part of God's crea- 
 tion, and instead of being their lord and master, he 
 became their servant, and worshipped them ; he lost 
 the dominion of himself, and became servant to sin 
 and sin-pleasing pleasures, and thereby loving dark- 
 ness rather than the light, which condemned his evil 
 deeds, he found himself unable to overcome this 
 state, and on this ground it is that man denies an 
 overcoming to be attainable : whereas Christ came 
 into the world to put an end to sin and finish "trans- 
 gression in all those who are willing to deny the 
 corrupt nature, by daily taking up the cross and 
 following his holy requirings. Thus the natural 
 man knows not the redeeming power of Jesus 
 Christ, because he is not of the willing and obe- 
 dient who eat the good of the land ; whilst the truly 
 spiritual man knows these things, yea the deep 
 things of God ; and as the Divine Seed of light and 
 life abideth in him, the temptation [to sin] is seen 
 in the light, and the life reduces it in obedience to 
 the cross, and thereby freedom from sin is obtained 
 in proportion to the measure of Divine grace afforded 
 being a portion of that fulness Vhich was found in 
 
JOHN CONEAN. 213 
 
 our dear and blessed Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. 
 So that our freedom from spiritual Pharaoh may 
 be obtained by submission to Him who is a Pro- 
 phet and Lawgiver like unto Moses, that Moses 
 declared unto Israel should be raised up, and 
 whom they should hear. 
 
 Third Month 9th. First day. — Meeting at Moy- 
 allen : in this meeting I was enlarged more than 
 usually, w^hich has been my comfortable experience 
 for one or two years past, now in the eighty-fourth 
 year of my age, when the natural life manifests a 
 decay, yet the spiritual candle (or life) burns 
 brighter ; this was promised some time past, when 
 I was bemoaning my leanness after near forty year3 
 in the exercise of the gift bestowed upon me. 
 
 15th.— The Monthly Meeting held in Moyallen 
 was favoured. 
 
 18th. — Before day-light, a spring of Gospel 
 ministry flowed in my mind for about an hour, and 
 many precious truths were opened before me, to 
 my admiration, in such a manner as man's wisdom 
 never had done before to my understanding, which 
 caused me to praise and magnify the great and holy 
 Giver of every good and perfect gift ; for in Him 
 dwelleth knowledge, and wisdom, and understand- 
 ing, which man in his best and first estate cannot 
 comprehend nor understand. The evening and night 
 after the Monthly Meeting, I sat at the gate very 
 
214 THE LIFE OF 
 
 much stripped, for the meeting had been much 
 favoured ; in that low estate I continued till after 
 meeting the next day, when this relief was afforded 
 to me, "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee." 
 The absence of Him whom my soul loveth is felt, 
 and leads to a jealousy lest I should have done 
 something that occasioned it; but when the clouds 
 disperse, and the sun again breaks out, though 
 grief may be for a night, yet joy comes in the 
 morning without clouds. 
 
 23rd. — First-day meeting at M. : I had to con- 
 tend in testimony with that spirit of infidelity which 
 had laid waste many in this quarter, as well as in ■ 
 many other places, the remnant of which still is to be 
 found hereaway ; they hide their heads now, but the 
 sting is in their tails. The doubt of a virgin bring- 
 ing forth a son was cleared before me, in the view 
 of God's omnipotence, who at first created man 
 from the dust of the earth, and by His "Word said, 
 " Let there be light, and there was light" — inDavid, 
 He said, "I will make my first-born higher than 
 the kings of the earth" — He had the priority of 
 every other creature, being the first-born of every 
 creature, and the first-born from the dead; and was 
 the Head of the church which was named after 
 Him the church of the first-born, the image of the 
 invisible God, the fulness of whom dwelt in Him 
 bodily — and " to which of the angels said He at any 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 215 
 
 time, Thou art my Son, this day have I begotten 
 thee? but to the Son he said, Thy throne, Oh 
 God ! is forever and ever," &c. If these, and many 
 other portions of holy writ, do not describe Him 
 amply as the Son of God, and not [merely] of man, 
 to such as do not believe them, preaching is in vain. 
 After meeting, there was a funeral attended by a 
 large gathering, [whom I reminded] that the pre- 
 sent opportunity bore testimony that man from the 
 earth was taken, and to the earth was to be re- 
 turned, and the soul to God, who created it, for 
 a purpose of glorifying Himself — the uncertainty 
 of our time here should aw.aken us to the consi- 
 deration how we are prepared to appear before the 
 judgment-seat of Christ, to render an account of 
 the deeds done in our bodies — if we have done 
 well, the answer will be, "Well done, enter thou 
 into the joy of thy Lord;" if the contrary, "De- 
 part from me, ye workers of iniquity !" There was 
 a solemnity over the large gathering, and peace 
 was the covering of my mind. After dinner, I 
 walked into the garden, and as I walked musing, 
 my lips were opened, as if a hand had done it, by 
 the Spirit of prayer and supplication in vocal words 
 of thanksgiving and praise, and humble acknow- 
 ledgments of manifold mercies and kindnesses re- 
 • ceived from him who liveth and reigneth for ever, 
 God blessed for ever and ever. Amen. 
 
216 THE LIFE OF 
 
 Fourth Month 9th.— My attention has lately been 
 occupied by [the consideration] of the rest which 
 is prepared for the people of God: this is, I believe, 
 generally understood to be eternal in the heavens. 
 There is a rest to be found in this life, reserved only 
 and alone for God's people, those who are willing 
 to enter therein, resting from their own labours as 
 God rested from His. When our eyes are anointed 
 and Divinely opened, we shall see in the light, which 
 then shines in our dark hearts, that our works of 
 righteousness, in which we have taken up our rest, 
 and from which we hoped to reap eternal life, were 
 the works of man, which never did or can produce 
 the righteousness that God will accept. Nothing 
 can bring the soul of man to God but the Spirit of 
 God ; our blessed Lord spoke positively that of our- 
 selves we can do nothing, and that without His 
 Divine aid our own works will avail nothing. The 
 young man who came to Christ, pleading his right- 
 eousness from his youth up, and asking what else 
 he lacked, stumbled at the cross, would not follow 
 Christ further, but went away sorrowful. And 
 Paul, who was faultless in the observations of an 
 outward profession of religion, when the light from 
 heaven shone around him, he counted his former 
 works of righteousness but as dross and dung, which 
 could not profit him, so that he might gain the 
 spiritual knowledge of Christ. These are some of 
 
JOHN CONE, AN. 217 
 
 the mysteries of godliness, which are hid with God, 
 and only can be revealed by his beloved Son, for 
 whom are all things, and in whom the fulness of 
 wisdom dwells— "the Lord our righteousness !" 
 He worketh in us those things which we cannot 
 do for ourselves — if we be willing and obedient, 
 we shall eat the good of the land. 
 
 18tfA. — The monthly Meeting being appointed to 
 be held at Rathfriland, and the weather very bois- 
 terous, discouraged me very much, so that in my 
 retirement I sought to be released from the con- 
 cern to attend it, pleading my old age, and the 
 desire I felt to go to the ensuing Yearly Meeting, 
 in which I might be disappointed by taking cold 
 now ; I was quickly answered in these expressions, 
 " Let him who has two coats impart to him who 
 has none," which immediately silenced me. This 
 meeting was raised up near eighty years since, or 
 more, by convincement, but is at present in a very 
 low state, and their number very small. After a 
 deep exercise, I was engaged in a close testimony 
 — I hope in that love which flows from the Foun- 
 tain of all true love — endeavouring to stir them up 
 from that lukewarm state which shut them out from 
 the Divine strength. Through favour I got home 
 safely, and thankful that I was strengthened to 
 go and fulfil the requiring — He is strength in 
 weakness, and riches in poverty ! 
 
218 THE LITE OF 
 
 Sixth Month 21th. — I have been for some time 
 past a mourner in Zion, travelling heavily on, be- 
 moaning myself and my situation among a people 
 of unclean lips — my dwelling in the cottage in the 
 vineyard — no fellow-traveller to travel with me ; 
 yet the language of my spirit has been " Not my 
 will, but thine, Oh Lord ! be done." I was made 
 willing to bear my portion of His righteous indig- 
 nation, as Ezekiel had to lie 390 days on one side 
 for the [iniquity of the] house of Israel, and forty 
 days on the other side for the sin of Judah. 
 
 Seventh Month 4:th. — Week-day meeting here, to 
 me it was a night season ; I rowed on, but caught 
 nothing — I rested on my oar, believing the Lord 
 was present, though I did not perceive him: I 
 came away in peace and not disconsolate. In bed 
 this night or early in the morning, as I lay awake, 
 I felt the Day-spring from on high to descend three 
 times at intervals very unexpectedly, which brought 
 me into a reverend frame of silent waiting, not feel- 
 ing any communication to attend it ; I bowed in 
 thankfulness, acknowledging the unmerited conde- 
 scension of the great and good Giver ! 
 
 13th. — First-day meeting- at Moyallen ; a very 
 small beginning, through faith increased to a 
 favoured opportunity. The promised increase is 
 fulfilled beyond my expectation, which is a comfort 
 to my old age ; my faith is strong in the Lord, and 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 219 
 
 my trust is in His might ; thankful I am that I am 
 often favoured to feel the sentence of death in my- 
 self, that I may not trust in myself, but in the living 
 God who raiseththe dead, and His own works praise 
 Him. There has been much labour bestowed on this 
 meeting, but with sorrow I say there is little or no 
 visible signs even of the buddings of good, much less 
 of fruit after so much labour. Zion, hereaway, if 
 she is redeemed from the evil of her way, it must be 
 (I believe) through judgment, for I apprehend from 
 the increasing neglect of religious meetings and the 
 low times experienced when the few meet together, 
 that there is rather a return to bondage than travel- 
 ling on to the promised land. I believe this to be 
 my allotted place ; therefore though I mourn, as 
 Baruch did, that the Lord hath seen meet to add 
 grief to my sorrow, yet I endeavour to confide in 
 a similar promise to him — that my life shall be 
 given me for a prey in every land where I shall go. 
 
 John Conran to Henry Hull. 
 
 Moyallen, Eighth Month, 1823. 
 My Dear Friend, 
 I received thy agreeable favour of Sixth Month 
 2nd, conveying comfortable intelligence of thyself 
 and family, which is truly satisfactory to me. I do 
 not doubt but it will be equally pleasing to thee to 
 understand by the present opportunity that I am 
 
220 THE LIFE OF 
 
 still ^continued, in the natural as well as in the 
 spiritual struggling for life, with which I humbly 
 hope I am mercifully favoured. I am now eighty- 
 four years of age, and my health and strength of 
 body equal to attend some of our meetings in this 
 province, and I was at our last Yearly Meeting in 
 Dublin, which I think was acknowledged by our 
 great and good Master. I send thee a paper which 
 will explain itself, in order to show thee that my 
 thoughts are still engaged for Zion's prosperity, 
 and that my wish is that peace may be within her 
 walls, and prosperity within her palaces ; this has 
 been (I trust) my concern these fifty years, that I 
 have been engaged in His service. I need not 
 praise it to thee, who has so often and to my know- 
 ledge experienced His bounty ; His faithful servants 
 always bear this testimony, that He is the best of 
 masters, it is the idle and slothful who call Him 
 " an austere man." He has not cast me off in my 
 old age as not worthy of my food and raiment ; 
 thanks be to Him, He gives me a sufficiency of 
 both, which He was pleased to promise, that my 
 allowance should not be abridged in my latter 
 days, and this is fulfilled, with a hope that the 
 end will crown all. 
 
 I have been at times tried in cloudy seasons, 
 [with the query] how we as a Society, could pos- 
 sibly be [of] the church militant here on earth, 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 221 
 
 v/hen I have painfully had to behold the impure 
 mixture which compose it ; the doctrines are as 
 high as men can bear — to believe in the Light, and 
 to walk in it, is to walk with God, as Enoch did 
 of old — it translated him, and would translate us 
 from earth to heaven, from being earthly-minded 
 to be heavenly-minded. These considerations at 
 times have brought serious reflections whether the 
 church has not again retired into the wilderness, 
 and that we only hold the doctrines, the sub- 
 stance being gone ; but this has only occurred in 
 my humiliations, under which I have kept silence, 
 and have not inquired after so many living evidences 
 in myself, as well as in other servants, " Art thou 
 he that should come, or look we for another ?" 
 But my bow abode in strength, the arms of my 
 hands w r ere made strong through the mighty Gro4 
 of Jacob, and therefore the armies of the aliens 
 were put to flight ; and in compassion to my 
 weakness, the enclosed was opened to me, as it 
 may inform thee ; I send it, not to take anything 
 to myself, but my desert, shame and confusion of 
 face, and my motive in sending it is that I be- 
 lieve it will gratify thee to find thy former fellow- 
 labourer is not standing idle, looking on other 
 men's labours, but is still endeavouring to fill up 
 the day's work, in order to get the penny at last. 
 My sight is much impaired, otherwise 
 
222 THE LIFE OF * 
 
 but little room to complain. With affectionate 
 regards to thyself, thy dear companion, and chil- 
 dren, I subscribe myself thy truly affectionate 
 brother and friend, 
 
 J. C. 
 I still lodge in Moyallen, my son lives in the 
 bounds of Moate meeting with his wife and chil- 
 dren, a farmer. 
 
 Tenth Month 20th. — This clay eighty-four years 
 I was born in Dublin — many trials and probations 
 I have passed through since" in order to prove me 
 and fashion me to the present shape I am formed 
 into ; I may say I have passed from death to life, 
 through the unsearchable mercies of God, who 
 plucked my feet out of the mire of sin, and the clay 
 oi worldly pursuits, and has set them upon the Rock 
 which followed Israel of old, and is the Rock of 
 ages, and of the just and righteous of the present 
 generation ; and He has put a new song into my 
 mouth, to praise and magnify Him who liveth 
 and reigneth for ever and for evermore, God 
 blessed for ever ! Amen. 
 
JOHN CON RAN. 223 
 
 CHAPTEE VIII. 
 
 1824. VARIOUS EXERCISES AND OPENINGS IN SCRIP- 
 TURE DOCTRINE — CONCLUSION OF HIS JOURNAL — 
 TESTIMONY OF THE MONTHLY MEETING OF LIS- 
 BURN CONCERNING HIM. 
 
 Second Month, 1824. — I returned from B. after 
 a week's absence; in one of the meetings- there I 
 had to address some whose lamp was gone out, 
 and they were sensible of it, that they were not 
 prepared to answer the awful summons if it should 
 come whilst they were in this situation ; I said I 
 believed this impression was made on their minds 
 by Him who willeth not the death of any, for His 
 gracious will is that all who have erred and strayed 
 from His heavenly sheep-fold should return, repent, 
 and live ; and therefore I recommended it as the 
 loving mercy of God in Christ Jesus, to awaken 
 them from that sleep of forgetfulness, which if con- 
 tinued in much longer might terminate in death. 
 A solemn stillness covered the meeting, and I be- 
 lieved the state was reached. I was invited to 
 spend an evening at their house, but did not go — 
 
224 THE LIFE OF 
 
 if any good is performed, let it be the Lord's work, 
 and not man's. 
 
 [During this latter period of his life, he appears 
 in his early waking hours, or other seasons of re- 
 tirement, when prostrated in awful silence before 
 God, to have often been favoured with a flow of 
 Scripture doctrine, which was spiritually explained 
 to his understanding in a remarkable manner, so as 
 to fill him with humble admiration and grateful 
 praise; he frequently committed these passages, 
 with the heads of their explanations to writing, 
 whilst fresh in his memory, and on one of these 
 occasions remarks how suddenly these Divine open- 
 ings were closed, as if a person had been reading to 
 him in a book, which was afterwards shut, and the 
 communications which had been in the Divine light 
 ceased, adding] not one sentence I think could I 
 remember a few minutes after, I could not read any 
 more in that book, neither did I attempt it, but 
 abode in the quiet submission. The cause assigned 
 to me this morning for it is, to convince me from 
 whence these openings proceeded ; if from my own 
 judgment, meditations, or compiling, they would 
 not have been so suddenly obliterated as never till 
 latterly to make the least appearance on my recol- 
 lection, as other circumstances have done. The 
 Scriptures are a sealed book to the natural man, 
 and none can break the seals but the Lion of the 
 
JOHN C ONE AN. 225 
 
 tribe of Judah, whom his own works do praise. 
 [At another time he says], These seasons [of Hea- 
 venly good] have appeared to me as somewhat of 
 what Paul alludes to in the passage c<fhcerning 
 "the washing of regeneration and the renewings of 
 the Holy Ghost," and are thus at times permitted 
 for the strengthening and refreshing of our souls in 
 our weary travail and deep baptisms, lest we should 
 faint by the way ; they would be to us as the brook 
 was to Elijah, who having drunk thereof, travelled 
 in that strength, in the bitterness of his spirit (bap- 
 tism), till he came to the mount of God, where he 
 heard the voice of God commissioning and appoint- 
 ing him to further services in the church ; under 
 which refreshment his strength and faith were re- 
 newed to resist the appearances of the fire, the 
 earthquake, and the strong wind — to know the 
 still small voice, and to follow its requirings — sub- 
 mitting to the necessary baptisms for a minister. 
 
 Seventh Month 21st — As I satin retirement this 
 forenoon, I was led to contemplate some of the pri- 
 vileges attendant on a membership in the militant 
 church ; this is that body of which Christ is the high 
 and holy Head,from whom the members receive their 
 nourishment, and qualification for use and service in 
 it. Some receive five talents, some three, and some 
 one, which when occupied with, [even by such as 
 seem as the uncomely parts of the body] more abun- 
 
 15 
 
226 THE LIFE OF 
 
 dant honour is bestowed : when these are called forth 
 to exercise their talent in the life and power of the 
 Gospel, the beholders will clearly perceive that they 
 "know n©t letters," and their education has been low 
 and mean — from whence then proceeds this flow of 
 words so fitly spoken, and well applied to the truths 
 of the Gospel and the mysteries typified in the law ? 
 not from school learning, it is evident — they must 
 therefore against their will be compelled to acknow- 
 ledge that the same Teacher who taught the disciples 
 in the beginning, taught them, and that they had 
 been in the school of Christ — after this manner 
 more abundant honour is conferred. This may be 
 encouraging to [such as are comparable to] the 
 ram's horns in the hand of the great High Priest, 
 which were instrumental formerly, we may remem- 
 ber, to bring down the walls of Jericho, the first con- 
 quest made on the other side Jordan, and should 
 encourage the one talented not to lightly esteem 
 the smallness of their gift, and to remember, that 
 man is not to live by bread alone, but by every 
 word which proceeds from the mouth of God. 
 
 From Richard Cockin to John Coxran. 
 
 Doncaster, Eleventh Month 9th, 1824. 
 
 My beloved Friend, 
 Thy cordially acceptable salutation, dated Fifth 
 Month 11th, claimed an earlier proof than the pre- 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 227 
 
 sent, that it afforded us much pleasurable satisfac- 
 tion to receive another letter from thee, although it 
 was at the same time accompanied by a considerable 
 drawback, on account of thy increasing disability 
 for letter writing which was so manifest ; it was 
 however, an occasion of rejoicing to us, in having 
 again to observe, that the best things remain upper- 
 most with thee, and that spiritual greenness con- 
 tinues to be the clothing of thy mind. It was also 
 very pleasant to us to hear that thou hadst again 
 been enabled to attend the Yearly Meeting [in 
 Dublin], and to mingle in exercise with thy friends 
 in endeavouring to promote the best interests of 
 our Society, of which thou wast so kind as to give 
 us an interesting account : so that notwithstanding 
 bodily weakness is becoming thy enfeebling atten- 
 dant, yet thy love to thy friends, and to the precious 
 cause of Truth, appears to remain unabated — which 
 I regard as a certain evidence, that thy spiritual 
 health is preserved in a quickened lively state ; and 
 this, my dear friend, I trust will be continued to 
 the end, so as that thou mayst have to adopt the 
 consoling language of the apostle, " I have fought 
 a good fight, I have finished my course, I have 
 kept the faith, henceforth there is laid up for me 
 a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the 
 righteous Judge, shall give me." 
 
 How cheeringly animating is the prospect, when 
 
228 THE LIFE OF 
 
 a portion of that living faith is vouchsafed, which 
 enables the tribulated traveller Zionwards, to afresh 
 thank God and take courage — raayst thou, my be- 
 loved friend, witness thy spiritual strength so re- 
 plenished with faith and confidence in Almighty 
 sufficiency, that as thy bodily powers are increas- 
 ingly feebler, thy mind may be sustained, as with 
 an anchor sure and stedfast. It may be permitted 
 to thee, as it is the lot of many other travellers, 
 to be tried at seasons, with discouraging impres- 
 sions, yea at times fears, doubts, and enfeebling 
 reasonings may be the depressing feeling of the 
 poor mind, when the enemy may assail us with 
 renewed attempts, to weaken our trust and con- 
 fidence in the redeeming power of the Saviour of 
 men ; so that there is still need for us to watch and 
 pray lest we enter into temptation, and so long as 
 we are clothed with humanity, so long there appears 
 a necessity for us to endeavour to have our minds 
 centred in a state of humble dependence on Al- 
 mighty sufficiency for preservation. 
 
 We could wish to be affectionately remembered 
 to T. C. and J. Wakefield and children, &c, with 
 other dear friends at Lisburn — it is very grateful to 
 my feelings, to witness the Sowings of near regard 
 sweetly attract my mind towards our dear friends 
 in Ireland, to many of whom we are united in the 
 bond of religious fellowship ; under the continued 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 229 
 
 feeling thereof to thyself, in which my E. C. very 
 cordially unites, I remain thy nearly united and 
 tenderly sympathizing friend, and brother in the 
 Truth, 
 
 Richard Cockin. 
 
 Uleventh Month 20th. — This morning long before 
 daylight, as I lay mourning over the state I felt 
 both in temporals and spirituals, I remembered the 
 comforts I had enjoyed, when I possessed a domestic 
 establishment, an affectionate wife and children, a 
 house and land, a sufficiency to support them, with 
 other enjoyments. When I contrasted these with 
 my present situation, my wife removed, my only 
 daughter suddenly taken, my son over whom I have 
 often lamented, with his children far distant, and I 
 a lodger in another's house, being houseless, and 
 not one foot of land to call my own, not a relation 
 near to me to close my eyes in a time, perhaps 
 near at hand — these and many more discouraging 
 reflections similar, weighed me down, besides a 
 stripped state of mind. Under the exercise which 
 these produced, I cried, "I am desolate,'' — when 
 these words were quickly impressed on my mind, 
 t; On a Rock" — it was the voice of the Comforter, 
 who said " that Rock was Christ !" Comfort fol- 
 lowed, with thanksgiving and resignation ! 
 
 First Month 3Qth, 1825. — I awoke this morning 
 
230 THE LIFE OF 
 
 before daylight, and after some time I was intro- 
 duced into silence, and into the school of Christ, 
 "where for upwards of an hour, I was taught won- 
 derful things out of his law, some of which I believe 
 I had not ever known before ; this caused me 
 humbly to be prostrated before Him, and to confess 
 that He is the Wonderful Counsellor, in whom alone 
 was and is the power and ability for every good 
 word and work. Being First-day, in meeting I 
 was clothed spiritually with sackcloth and ashes, 
 but after sitting in this state near an hour and a 
 half, I felt the necessity to move forward, and 
 after some wading, a large field of offering opened 
 before me, much to my comfort and instruction. 
 
 Second Month loth. — This morning I was intro- 
 duced into that school, wherein is taught the hidden 
 mysteries of godliness, to those only who have their 
 ear opened to hear them, and are found waiting in 
 the temple. Much instruction in heavenly things 
 passed through my mind, in the newness of life. 
 The language of mankind was confused at Babel 
 because they attempted to save themselves, by their 
 own wisdom and understanding, from a return of 
 the waters, they trusted not to that preservation 
 which had so far repeopled the world, but would 
 be independent of it. God saw the work of men's 
 hands that it was foolishness, therefore frustrated 
 it by confounding their language, which scattered 
 
JOHN CON KAN. 231 
 
 them over the face of the earth. This confusion of 
 language has continued to this day, and their build- 
 ing, instead of being to them as a tower that would 
 reach to heaven, never raised them higher than 
 earthly things : in this state the natural man is 
 found at this time, not being able by his own 
 strength or wisdom, to reach to that purity of lan- 
 guage which was lost, in which God can be accep- 
 tably and truly worshipped as God, and which can 
 only be recovered by the instructions and teachings 
 of the Holy Ghost. From this state of confusion, 
 proceed the many modes of worship in the world, 
 in which very many may be said to worship, they 
 know not what ; some in their prayer call God their 
 Father, when their works plainly show whose chil- 
 dren they are— they call Him their Lord and Master, 
 and disobey His righteous commands every clay — 
 they pray for forgiveness of their sins, on the terms 
 of forgiving the trespasses of those who sin against 
 them, and they will not forgive any a small trespass, 
 who have trespassed against them, but cast them off 
 till they pay the last farthing — they call heavenly 
 things bitter, which are found to be sweet to the spi- 
 ritual worshipper — and the light of the world, which 
 is the spiritual appearance of Jesus Christ in man, ' 
 showing to him what is good and the evil of his 
 ways, (for, " that which maketh manifest is Light,") 
 many say this is man's natural faculty, and some a 
 
232 THE LIFE OF 
 
 remainder of his first estate before he fell ; "when 
 the Divine Judge condemned him. that in the day 
 that he eat of the forbidden fruit, he should surely 
 die. Thus was the language corrupted from that 
 purity in which it was taught by God, when man 
 was in the pure image of his Creator, when he could 
 by the aid and assistance of the Holy Spirit, give 
 names to all cattle, and the fowls of the air, and to 
 every beast of the field. But after the fall, the 
 wisdom of man, (the fruit of the forbidden tree) 
 found out many inventions, corrupted the language 
 that was Divinely taught, and introduced the pre- 
 sent confusion of tongues, which cannot be brought 
 back to its original purity, but by submitting to and 
 obeying the teachings of the Holy Ghost, without 
 which influence no man can call God his Father, or 
 Christ his Lord, (1 Cor. xii. 3.) ; nor can any man, 
 but by the same Spirit know who the Son is but the 
 Father, nor who the Father is but the Son, and 
 those to whom the Son reveals Him. This know- 
 ledge is denied by some churches, saying that reve- 
 lation has ceased, that the Scriptures contain all 
 that is necessary for salvation ; the above text 
 proves, I think, the necessity of revelation. " To 
 know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ 
 whom thouhastsent is life eternal." We may gain 
 a knowledge of the Scriptures by reading, or tradi- 
 tion from our parents, and be equal to Apollos, who 
 
JOHN COKEAN. 233 
 
 was mighty in the Scriptures, and from thence 
 preached Jesus Christ in the synagogues boldly ; 
 yet he was not hereby baptized with Christ's bap- 
 tism, nor received as a minister in Christ's church, 
 till the (spiritual) way of God was taught him 
 more perfectly. I believe the Scriptures are the 
 words of God, given by Him to mankind by in- 
 spiration, through holy men of old — that they are 
 a handmaid to the Holy Spirit, conveying to those, 
 who will receive their testimony, the mind and 
 will of God. 
 
 Fifth Month 18th.— The Quarterly Meeting ap- 
 proaching, and my accustomed preparation for it 
 trying baptisms, poverty, and discouragement — the 
 Comforter not come — my sight failed, and little 
 hope of a revival — yet not so far deserted as the 
 prophet Habakkuk, whose faith did not fail under 
 greater privations. Lord, help my faith, and give 
 me to remember when thy candle shone upon my 
 head, and caused me to rejoice in hope that though 
 cast down I was not forsaken — praises be to thy 
 holy Name ! 
 
 Eighth Month lith. — I have been for some weeks 
 past under a particular dispensation, a recollection 
 of several incidents of my former life, and which 
 had passed under judgment and condemnation, unto 
 pardon ; the remembrance was so fresh, that it re- 
 quired an almost constant watch to exclude them. 
 
234 THE LIFE OF 
 
 This dispensation brought me under a trying humi- 
 liation, so that I was often ready and desirous to 
 give up a service of which I felt myself altogether 
 unworthy, and when engaged in it, was so feeble, 
 that I generally was brief and discouraged. This 
 appears to me a state the apostle experienced, when 
 he said nothing belonged to him but shame and 
 confusion of face. I have been greatly abased, 
 though mercifully preserved from yielding up my 
 crown ; but through all God was magnified, that 
 His mercy had preserved me, for to Him alone the 
 praise is due. It may be a preparatory baptism for 
 the ensuing Quarterly Meeting, [and if so] I am 
 satisfied to abide under its continuance, desiring 
 that the Lord will not pity, nor His hand spare, 
 till His holy hand has formed and fashioned me to 
 w T hat He would have me to be. My Lord and 
 Master cried out on the cross, " Why hast thou 
 forsaken me V I have in similar and lesser circum- 
 stances, cried out in like manner, but did not feel 
 any condemnation, therefore I am encouraged to 
 hold on my way, hoping to be enabled to do so, 
 unto the end of the race, which is not gained by 
 the swift, but those who hold out to the end will 
 gain the prize. Herein the creaturely part is cru- 
 cified, and the Lord magnified, because His mercy 
 has endured so long. I believe I may say with the 
 apostle, " I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 235 
 
 live, yet not I, but Christ liveth in me," and the 
 life I now live is not according to the flesh, but in 
 my measure according to the blessed will of the 
 dear Son of God, and to Him is the praise and 
 thanksgiving, now and for ever. Amen. 
 
 Written by myself who am almost blind, J. C. 
 
 [Many of his latter memoranda were written by 
 a kind friend from dictation.] 
 
 Eighth Month 23d. — Memory is sound — I 
 must say farewell to sublunary enjoyments, and 
 wait my approaching [end], which I do by night 
 and by day, not trusting to any works of righteous- 
 ness of my own, but to the mercies of God through 
 Christ Jesus. 
 
 Twelfth Month 20th. — Last First-day I was at 
 our meeting here, which to me was remarkably hard, 
 a spirit of unbelief to a great degree was felt by 
 me, which shut me up for near two hours, a small 
 share of relief was afforded, but the cloud which had 
 been broken, soon again closed and the light was 
 obscured. In the evening after reading the Scrip- 
 tures in the family, we had a time of solid retire- 
 ment, which fully recompensed for the trials in the 
 meeting ; the wing of Divine love was felt by me to 
 overshadow us, and under the shadow, I hope we 
 were made to rejoice, in our several measures in 
 
236 THE LIFE OF 
 
 solemn silence, which continued during the remain- 
 der of the opportunity. Under this baptism my 
 mind was impressed with this language, " Thy sins 
 and thy iniquities are no more remembered, I have 
 cast them out behind me;" this I could not em- 
 brace as being my state and condition, and that 
 the voice that I heard, was the voice of Him whom 
 my soul loveth, being often of late baptized into a 
 recollection of my former manner of life, which led 
 me to say that it is of the Lord's mercy that I was 
 not consumed. In this frame of mind I continued 
 to look from this opening, till it was repeated three 
 or four times, when peace was solemnly proclaimed 
 in my heart, and was the seal that closed it. Thus 
 I believe, we are at times mercifully favoured with 
 a degree of that hope, that the Lord knoweth them 
 that are His. The foundation of the just and 
 righteous of all generations cannot fail, and those 
 who build their hopes thereon shall experience that, 
 though the winds may blow and the rains descend, 
 it will stand. A holy confidence was raised in my 
 mind, which caused me reverently to bow before the 
 Great and Good Giver of it, and to praise and 
 give thanks to Him who is worthy of it, and who 
 liveth and reigneth for ever. 
 
 Painful have been my days, and wearisome have 
 been my nights, in waiting for the arising of the 
 Sun of righteousness, who I think has delayed His 
 
JOHN CONRAN, 237 
 
 coming, which is a trial of my faith and patience ; 
 but as all His ways are wisdom, and past our find- 
 ing out, I endeavour to submit thereto, and ac- 
 knowledge my unworthiness, of the favours hith- 
 erto bestowed upon me, and strive to be con- 
 tent with the small share of light still vouchsafed. 
 
 Fifth Month 14th, 1826.— I returned from the 
 Yearly Meeting in Dublin: it was pretty well 
 attended, and in some of the [sittings we were 
 owned by the] Master of our assemblies, which 
 was an encouragement to His faithful ones ; I 
 was favoured with a little help to get through 
 what was laid upon me, to my satisfaction, and 
 returned in peace. 
 
 26th. — This morning early I was favoured to 
 experience the Shepherd's voice, opening and 
 wonderfully expounding many different passages 
 of holy Scripture, which led me to praise and mag- 
 nify His adorable mercy in condescending to visit 
 and communicate with such a poor mortal as I am. 
 These communications are frequent, which I may 
 call the renewings of the Holy Ghost, to strengthen 
 and refresh the w r eary traveller, and [in them I 
 recognize] the union and communion of the saints, 
 which our first parents enjoyed in Eden — blessed 
 union and communion, through obedience to the 
 grace of the Holy Spirit ! 
 
 Tenth Month 1st — As I sat still this morning 
 
238 THE LIFE OF 
 
 after breakfast, this language passed [livingly] 
 through my mind, " Rejoice and be exceeding glad, 
 for there is a place prepared for thee in my king- 
 dom — and proceed as hitherto in secret prayer 
 and silent waiting, and thou shalt not be puffed 
 up by whatsoever may be committed to thee." 
 
 Twelfth Month 15th. — I am daily waiting my 
 change, having only the mercies of God to trust to. 
 
 1827. — I am daily waiting in the temple, if I 
 may be favoured to hear this joyful summons, 
 " Enter thou into the joy of thy Lord," where the 
 wicked cease to trouble, and my weary spirit I 
 trust will experience rest. 
 
 [These appear to be the last words recorded in 
 John Conran's Journal, and in a hand almost ille- 
 gible, he being nearly blind ; but he continued to 
 attend meetings, even sometimes at the distance of 
 fourteen miles, as long as his bodily strength per- 
 mitted it, so great was his desire to wait with his 
 friends for the arising of the heavenly Power of 
 Christ therein, and to be found faithfully occupying 
 with the gift mercifully bestowed upon him, often 
 saying, as an incentive to a more perfect dedication 
 of mind and body, u I serve the Best of masters, 
 who, I can testify from long and precious experi- 
 ence, withholds no good thing from those who faith- 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 239 
 
 fully serve and obey Him." The following extract 
 from the Testimony concerning him drawn up by 
 the Friends of Lurgan Monthly Meeting will show 
 how he was engaged with the same zeal in the last 
 meeting he attended, being the day previous to his 
 death] : — With affecting energy, he closely pressed 
 Friends to faithfulness and diligence in attending 
 the meetings for worship and discipline, saying, 
 the parable of the great supper had deeply im- 
 pressed his mind, by which he was instructed to 
 believe that no excuse, however plausible, would 
 be taken for neglecting those important duties ; for 
 none, he thought, could be more reasonable than 
 were mentioned, wherein one having bought a 
 piece of ground, it was but prudent for him to see 
 it before paying for it — another, five yoke of oxen, 
 which it was only reasonable he should be per- 
 mitted to prove before he paid the puchase-money 
 — whilst a third had married a wife and could not 
 come, having thereby necessarily undertaken to 
 provide for a family, especially as he is declared 
 to be worse than an infidel who provides not for 
 his own. Then mourning over those who were 
 not sensible of their situation, and of the great sal- 
 vation offered to all, he said, " I now again tell you 
 what I have so often declared that ' other foun- 
 dation can no man lay than -is laid, which is Jesus 
 Christ.' " Then warned all to be careful of neglect- 
 
240 THE LIFE OF 
 
 ing calls from Heaven, and by the servants sent as 
 messenger after messenger, testifying, "Behold all 
 things are ready,' ' for should they continue to do 
 so, the children's seats at the Lord's table would 
 be filled by others, who beholding the Light, 
 would flock as doves confined in a room to the 
 windows ; adding, he was made thankful in being 
 assured that Light had already broken forth and 
 the day had dawned ; and when about to resume 
 his seat, he advanced and said, " For thus having 
 been permitted to live to see this day, I praise, 
 honour, and magnify my God!" 
 
JOHN CON RAN. 241 
 
 THE TESTIMONY 
 
 Of the Monthly Meeting of Lisburn concerning 
 our dear friend, John Conran, late of Moy~ 
 alien, deceased. 
 
 Although this our beloved friend resided for 
 some years previously to his decease within the 
 compass of another Meeting, we find ourselves en- 
 gaged to bear a testimony respecting him, having 
 been for the greater part of his life a member of our 
 Monthly Meeting, and many of us having partaken 
 of the benefits of his religious labours. 
 
 By a manuscript of his own, it appears that he 
 was born in the city of Dublin, in the year 1739, of 
 parents professing with the Church of England ; 
 being in easy circumstances, they gave him a pretty 
 liberal education, having placed him at school at 
 Ballitore, where he remained until fit for business, 
 and was then apprenticed to a person in the linen 
 trade at Lisburn. In this situation, he had more 
 liberty than hitherto, and being a good deal ex- 
 posed to unsuitable company, was led into many of 
 the dissipations incident to youth ; for which, how- 
 ever, it appears he was soon brought under condem- 
 16 
 
242 THE LIFE OF 
 
 nation, and was thereby induced frequently to look 
 inward, under a belief that that which may be 
 known of God is manifest within ; to use his own 
 expressions, " his secret breathings began to be 
 after God," he became more diligent in his attend- 
 ance of public worship, and zealous in the perfor- 
 mance of the rites and ceremonies of the profession 
 in which he had been educated. The continued 
 observation of some of these not producing the 
 good effects he had anticipated, he was led, after 
 the lapse of a few years, to look for something 
 more substantial, and secretly cried for deliverance. 
 Sin became a heavy burthen ; he gradually forsook 
 the pleasurable amusements in which he had been 
 in the practice of indulging, sat much alone, and 
 in reading the Holy Scriptures, they were often 
 made a means of comfort to his tabulated mind ; 
 his desire after stillness and retirement increasing, 
 he was led into a dependence on Divine instruction. 
 The work of religion having thus commenced in 
 good earnest, and his heart prepared for the recep- 
 tion of the Word of Life, he was reached, about 
 the thirty-third year of his age, in an extraordinary 
 manner, under the ministry of Robert Willis, a 
 Friend from America, in a Quarterly Meeting of 
 Friends at Lurgan, into which he had gained 
 admittance, although not a member. 
 
 Notwithstanding he was on terms of intimacy 
 
JOHN CO Nil AN, 243 
 
 ■with several individuals of our Society, he had pre- 
 conceived a disrelish to our principles ; but his views 
 were now completely changed, and, under a firm 
 conviction of the rectitude of the proceeding, he 
 soon afterwards fully embraced the doctrines and 
 views of Friends, not, however, without passing 
 through many deep conflicts of spirit on this account, 
 and in the retrospect of his former course of life, 
 which was often brought before the view of his 
 mind, attended with a conviction of Divine judg- 
 ment for transgression ; thus having experienced 
 the terrors of the Lord for sin, he afterwards be- 
 came willing to persuade men. ■ 
 
 In the year 1780, our dear friend first appeared 
 in the ministry in a meeting at Lurgan, and con- 
 tinuing faithful to the pointings of duty, he became 
 an acceptable and able minister of the Grospel. 
 Deeply impressed with the solemnity of the nature 
 of the engagement, he was concerned in the exercise 
 of his gift, to move under the influence of the Holy 
 Anointing ; and thus abiding in watchfulness and 
 humility, and in reverent waiting and dependence 
 on the Lord alone, his communications were fre- 
 quently attended with a sense of the baptizing power 
 of our Holy Head and High Priest ; and although 
 often but short, were weighty and powerful. Skilful 
 in dividing the word aright, he ministered caution, 
 counsel, and reproof to the disobedient and un- 
 
244 THE LIFE OF 
 
 faithful, as well as comfort, consolation, and confir- 
 mation to the tried and drooping mind, and to such 
 as were seeking the way to the kingdom. Often 
 deeply experiencing a state of inward poverty and 
 want, he was eminently qualified to minister to this 
 condition in others. 
 
 In the exercise of the discipline of our Society, 
 our dear friend was conspicuously useful. Zealously 
 concerned for the support of our religious testi- 
 monies in their ancient simplicity and purity, and 
 for the preservation of our members in soundness of 
 principle and consistency of practice,he was enabled, 
 by the aid of divine Grace, to stand with Christian 
 firmness against that spirit of infidelity which, at 
 one period, was so prevalent, and caused the defec- 
 tion of many in these parts from the standard of 
 Truth. This was a time of great conflict to his 
 mind, but he was favoured to be preserved in steady 
 adherence to the cause he had espoused, and em- 
 boldened to testify his belief in the efficacy of the 
 redeeming power of Christ Jesus our Lord, and 
 that it is " not by works of righteousness which we 
 have done, but according to His mercy He saveth 
 us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing 
 of the Holy Ghost." Through all, he evinced that 
 his chief desire was to be found faithful in the 
 commission he had received, and a good steward 
 of the manifold Grace of God. 
 
JOHN CO NBA N. 245 
 
 In the diligent attendance of our meetings for 
 worship and discipline, our beloved friend was a 
 bright example, and frequently much exercised on 
 account of those amongst us who were deficient in 
 this respect. He laboured fervently to impress 
 upon the minds of all the necessity of not conform- 
 ing to the spirit of the world, illustrating by exam- 
 ple the doctrine which he preached, by sacrificing 
 every thing of a secular nature that might have 
 stood in the way of his performing those religious 
 duties which he believed incumbent on him. 
 
 In the year 1805, our dear friend was deprived 
 by death of an amiable wife ; a woman of a truly 
 pious disposition, and tenderly beloved by her hus- 
 band. This, with some other domestic afflictions 
 of a peculiarly trying nature, which were subse- 
 quently his portion, he was enabled to bear with 
 Christian resignation and fortitude. 
 
 Of late years he did not travel much in the work 
 of the ministry out of the compass of his own 
 Quarterly Meeting ; he had, with very little excep- 
 tion, been constant in his attendance of the Half- 
 year's Meeting, and subsequently of the Yearly 
 Meeting in Dublin, up to the year in which his 
 decease occurred, and several times attended the 
 Yearly Meeting in London. It appears also that 
 he paid repeated visits to the meetings of Friends 
 in most parts of this nation ; nearly the last en- 
 
246 THE LITE OF 
 
 gagement of an extensive nature in this way, was 
 in the year 1810, when he visited the families of 
 Friends in Waterford and Clonmel, and having 
 been afterwards joined by Henry Hull, a Friend 
 from America, then on a religious visit to Friends 
 in Ireland, they were unitedly engaged in a similar 
 service in some other places. In the autumn of 
 1819, being then nearly eighty years of age, he 
 united with John Kirkham, a Friend from Eng- 
 land, in paying a religious visit to the families of 
 Friends of Dublin, much to the satisfaction of his 
 friends, and the peace of his own mind. 
 
 In giving forth this testimony to the life, labours, 
 and services of our departed friend, we desire not 
 to exalt the creature, but to magnify and extol that 
 Divine Power, by whose grace he has often been 
 heard to declare, " that he was what he was," and 
 that "to him belonged nothing but shame and con- 
 fusion of face." He was a man of weighty spirit 
 and deep in religious experience ; being possessed 
 of a good understanding and a sound and deliberate 
 judgment, his advice was often sought for by his 
 friends in matters of importance. Thus it may be 
 indeed said, he was truly useful and honourable in 
 his day, and many of us have had cause to rejoice 
 that he was raised up amongst us. Great was his 
 travail of spirit for the welfare of Zion, and the en- 
 largement of her borders — many were the conflicts 
 
JOHN CONRAN. 247 
 
 he endured on account of the desolations in our 
 Society, yet he was often permitted to rejoice in 
 the belief, that although he might not live to wit- 
 ness it, a day was approaching in which the cause 
 of truth and righteousness would more generally 
 prevail, and in which many would flock to its stand- 
 ard, as doves to the windows. 
 
 During his long and useful life he had been 
 favoured to enjoy almost an uninterrupted state of 
 good health, which with the possession of his 
 mental faculties remained with him nearly to the 
 end, although it was evident that his natural 
 strength was gradually on the decline. His re- 
 moval was rather unexpected, and quite sudden; 
 nevertheless we have good ground to believe, that, 
 as he had not deferred a preparation for eternity 
 to that solemn hour, he was ready for the awful 
 summons ; and although we feel our loss to be great, 
 we have no cause to mourn on his account, but 
 rather to rejoice that in the abundant mercy of 
 our Heavenly Father, through the mediation of 
 His beloved Son, our Holy Redeemer, this our 
 dear friend is now, we trust, enjoying in the full 
 fruition of immortal bliss, the reward of dedication 
 to the service of his God, and that as he continued 
 to the last in firm but humble reliance on that 
 Divine Mercy which had accompanied him through 
 life, the same merciful Power, we reverently be- 
 lieve, Was his support in the hour of dissolution, 
 
248 THE LIFE OF JOHN COX RAN. 
 
 and became his conductor through the region and 
 shadow of death into that city whose walls are sal- 
 vation, and whose gates are praise. 
 
 He departed this life at Moyallen, on the 16th 
 day of the Sixth Month, 1827, in the 88th year 
 of his age, and about the 48th of his ministry. 
 His remains were interred in Friends' burying- 
 ground at Lisburn, on the 18th day of the same 
 month, having been accompanied to the grave by 
 a large number of Friends and others, upon which 
 occasion a meeting was held, wherein the solemniz- 
 ing influence of the Power of Truth was felt to 
 predominate. 
 
 Given forth in the Monthly Meeting of Lisburn, 
 held there the loth day of the Eleventh 
 Month, 1827, and signed therein by a number 
 of men and women Friends. 
 Read and approved in the Quarterly Meeting 
 for the Province of Ulster, held at Lurgan, 
 the 3rd of Twelfth Month, 1827, and signed 
 in and on behalf thereof, by 
 
 Thomas Christy Wakefield, 
 
 Clerk to the Men 8 Meeting. 
 Read and approved in our Women's Quarterly 
 Meeting for the Province of Ulster, held at 
 Lurgan same time, and in and on behalf 
 thereof, signed by 
 
 Margaret Harvey, 
 
 Cleric to the Womvris Meeting. 
 
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