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 BY 
 
 
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 Book '/ZJ^_5^^ 
 
 Copyright N"^ 
 
 COFYRICHT DEPOStr. 
 
SONNETS 
 
 OF A TELEPHONE 
 
 GIRL 
 
' Number? 
 
Sonnets of a 
 
 Telephone Girl 
 
 E. A. Brinlnsfcol 
 
 Illustrated by ' "* 
 
 John C. Kill 
 
 Times-Mirror Printing and Binding 
 
 House, Los Angeles, Cal. 
 
 1 903 
 
^-^ t^ 
 
 THt L-.BRARY OF 
 CONGRESS, 
 
 Two Copies 
 
 Receivec! | 
 
 f JiAY 4 
 
 1903 
 
 ^ f Ccj>y(igr>t 
 
 t.inf> 1 
 XXc No. 
 
 
 - ^'COPY 
 
 
 Cop-^right, I go 3 
 By E. A. Brininstool 
 
SONNETS OF A TELEPHONE GIRL. 
 
 i. 
 
 HAVE to sit here every blessed day 
 
 And holler "Number?" and it ain't no 
 fun 
 
 To hear folks kick, as lately they have done 
 Since things began a-goin' the wrong way. 
 We have to say '' Line's busy," and a lot 
 Of other trash, you bet, that isn't so,^ 
 And tell folks who get mad that we " forgot 
 That they was at the other end," you know. 
 
 My! but us girls we get it in the neck 
 
 From kickers, when their 'phone is out of 
 
 gear ! 
 I wish to goodness gracious you could hear 
 The things folks say. Some of 'em swear 
 they'll wreck 
 Their 'phone if it '' ain't fixed up right 
 
 away "— 
 And gee! you ought to hear what others say! 
 
11. 
 
 HE other day a fellow called ,for Red 
 Three nine, three one, and I just an- 
 swered, "What?" 
 And '' Number, please ? " and my ! that fellow 
 
 got 
 So mad at me that he just swore and said: 
 " Connect me with " 600 " right away ; 
 
 I'll bet ril make it hot enough for you ! " 
 
 But I just laughed; we hear that every day, 
 
 And not a blessed thing does our boss do. 
 
 Sometimes, when kicks come flyin' in too fast. 
 They'll send a fellow out to '' test the line," 
 And for about a week the 'phones work fine, 
 And people they forget about the past; 
 
 And then, first thing we know, why, us girls 
 
 hear, 
 ''Hello, there, Central ! My 'phone's out of 
 gear ! " 
 
III. 
 
 WISH'T I had a beau like one girl's got, 
 Who calls him up a dozen times a day, 
 And I hear every blessed word they say; 
 And my ! he calls her " honey," and a lot 
 Of awful sweet things that I like to hear. 
 
 I hope some fellow, soon will know enough 
 
 To call me " tootsy-wootsy," " pet " and " dear," 
 
 And " angel," and a lot of that sweet stuff ! 
 
 His name is '' Willie," 'cause I heard her say 
 It to him kind of lovin'-like and low. 
 My! but I wish't that fellow was my beau, 
 
 And I could be right with him every day! 
 And lay my head right on his heavin' breast. 
 And smile at him and— he would do the rest! 
 
IV. 
 
 HERE'S one man in this town who's mad 
 
 at me, 
 And gee! my nerves are just a-shakin' 
 yet! 
 I didn't hardly think a man could get 
 Rip-roarin' mad so all-fired easily. 
 He rung me up and asked for Main two-three; 
 ''Line's busy," I replied ; I heard him groan, 
 Then holler back, '' Come off ! you can't fool me ; 
 Give me that number or I'll smash this 
 'phone ! " 
 
 He didn't get it, and I listened there 
 
 To hear what happened. Then there came a 
 
 crash. 
 The sound of somethin' bustin', then— ker- 
 smash I 
 The jangle of a bell, some words of swear, 
 Then silence. And I smiled, because I knew 
 'Twas one less 'phone to pay attention to! 
 
 TO 
 
V. 
 
 NE of the linemen is a chap named Jim, 
 And, oh, he's just as handsome as can be! 
 And he acts like he was dead stuck on me, 
 And I know I'm completely gone on him. 
 And when they send him out to fix the breaks, 
 
 And he rings in to see if they're all right. 
 He talks so sweet to me that it just makes 
 Me want to have him hug me good and tight. 
 
 Sometimes I: wonder if he'll marry me, 
 And then my head begins to swim and whirl; 
 I hope that I won't be a hello girl 
 
 Forever ; and I'll bet a cooky, he 
 Would have me now, if I w^ould only say 
 "Yes," when he smiles and looks at me that 
 way. 
 
 12 
 

 ^^^^ A''^'^'*'' 
 
VI. 
 
 HEN I plugged on the Blue today I 
 heard 
 Two women talkin' of a weddin', and 
 The dresses that they talked about was grand, 
 And you can bet I took in every word ! 
 But when 'twas gettin' interesting then 
 
 I kicked myself, because I couldn't stay 
 And hear it, for a dozen horrid men 
 
 Rung in and wanted someone right away. 
 
 Oh, dear me, suz ! I wish't that I could get 
 A chance to hear them talk again, about 
 That weddin' and that slick trousseau, with- 
 out 
 
 Somebody breakin' on the line. I bet 
 That I could get some pointers. Maybe I 
 Will have a weddin' myself by and by! 
 
 14 
 

VII. 
 
 I HEY sent to 'Frisco for some girls to 
 come 
 i Down here, because the kicks come in so 
 fast, 
 It looked as if the business wouldn't last, 
 And everything was gettin' on the bum. 
 There's eighteen of em, and they think they're 
 fly! 
 They say they're " experts " and can discount 
 us, 
 But, just the same, that talk's all in your eye. 
 When they say they can end this awful muss. 
 
 They've been here now a month, and I can't see 
 But what things go just as they did before; 
 Complaints come in with just that same old 
 roar. 
 And things are as bad as they used to be. 
 
 It's ''Number?" "Waiting!" "Busy," "Don't 
 
 reply," 
 " Line's out of order ; ring up by and by." 
 
 i6 
 
VIII. 
 
 'WAS yesterday, I think, that me and 
 
 Jim 
 Was gabbin' for awhile across the 
 'phone. 
 And while we thought we had the line alone 
 Some mean thing hollered, "Cut it out with him, 
 And give me Main three nine nought— under- 
 stand?" 
 And then he said, " You girls there make me 
 sick ! " 
 And I just told him '' Line is busy," and 
 
 You just ought to have heard that fellow 
 kick! 
 
 Five minutes later he called up again, 
 
 And I said ''Waiting ? " fourteen time or more, 
 And then he yelled at me and ripped and 
 swore 
 So much I wouldn't get his number then 
 At all, but I sat there and chewed my gum, 
 And stopped my ears when I heard swear- 
 words come. 
 
 i8 
 
IX. 
 
 HE other day when I plugged in I heard 
 Some nice man say, '' Hello, my little 
 pet," 
 
 And I replied at once, " That's me, you bet! " 
 And, oh ! I tell you what, my heart was stirred ! 
 I thought I'd made a mash, and he thought I 
 
 Was his best girl named Kate, and when I said 
 That wasn't my name — gee! how he did try 
 To shower awful words upon my head! 
 
 Now when that fellow call up his sweet Kate, 
 I make connections with the brewery, and 
 He'll stand and swear and blow to beat the 
 band, 
 
 And wait and wait and wait and wait and wait, 
 But he don't get her number, for I sing 
 ** Line's busy," every time I hear him ring. 
 
 20 
 
X. 
 
 AST night while I sat dozin' in my chair, 
 A horrid man called, " Say, sis, wake 
 up, quick, 
 
 And give me East Three Nine — the kid is 
 sick ! " 
 And soon I heard him yell, " Is doctor there?" 
 And 'cuz nobody answered, he come back 
 
 At me, a-screechin' " What's the matter, say ? " 
 I told him that the line was out of w^hack. 
 
 Because the mean thing yelled at me that way. 
 
 It's just a heap of fun to have folks call 
 A number, when we know they're in a yank. 
 And when we find it's some old measly crank, 
 
 Not to connect the mean old thing at all. 
 But keep him yellin' there " Hello, hello ! " 
 And laugh to hear him rip around and blow! 
 

 A$% 
 
 ^^^f 
 
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 ji- p^^^C"^ "^^^ 
 
 
XI. 
 
 * HERE'S one old man who calls up every 
 day, 
 Who's always just as nice as he can be; 
 He always says *' Good mornin,' sis," to me. 
 And never gets mad at me if I say: 
 ** The party that you called for don't reply," 
 
 He's such a jolly, good, old gentleman. 
 And so kind-hearted, that I always try 
 To get his number for him, if I can. 
 
 Us girls would get your number twice as quick 
 If you would only give us half a show. 
 And not be always actin' just as though 
 
 You wanted an excuse to make a kick. 
 
 You fellows who keep '^ knockin' " us can't get 
 Served as you could if you would quit, you 
 bet! 
 
 24 
 
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 I 
 
 1 ^ 
 
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 '^ 
 
 
XII. 
 
 HAT girl who runs the board across from 
 here, 
 Was makin' goo-goo eyes at Jim today, 
 And doin' of her best to have him stay 
 Around, where she could whisper in his ear. 
 Her hair is red, and she is freckled, too. 
 
 And great big warts stick out upon her hand. 
 And on one cheek an ugly mole has grew. 
 But she can talk, you bet, to beat the band ! 
 
 I'd like to get my fingers in her hair, 
 Whenever I see her smile up at Jim, 
 And try her best to make a mash on him, 
 
 And talk so sweet while he's a-standin' there. 
 I love him ten times more, I know, than she, 
 And — I just hope some time he'll marry me! 
 
 26 
 
XIII. 
 
 f'M GETTIN' sicker of this job each day, 
 I don't hear anything but kicks, and I 
 Just wish that folks could know the rea- 
 son why 
 Their telephones keep cuttin' up this way. 
 My head is buzzin' like a top right now 
 
 From hearin' people yell, '' This blamed old 
 'phone 
 Is out of gear; what ails it anyhow? " — 
 I wish't they'd ever let us girls alone! 
 
 I've said '' Line's busy " ninety times today, 
 And hollered ** Number?" fourteen hundred 
 
 times. 
 No wonder that I feel just like three dimes, 
 
 And want to quit my job and run away! 
 
 I'd like to go where '* hello girls " ain't known, 
 And folks don't ever have a telephone. 
 
 28 
 
XIV. 
 
 AST Sunday night I didn't have to go 
 To work, and Jim called at our house 
 to see 
 
 If I would take a walk, and him and me 
 We strolled out to a quiet place we know, 
 Where no one couldn't see us, and then Jim 
 He kissed me, called me " pet," and told me 
 how 
 He loved me, and I snuggled up to him, 
 
 And — oh, I wish't that I was right there now ! 
 
 I wish't that no one ever would come near 
 This office — not a soul but me and Jim, 
 And I could always snuggle up to him. 
 
 Then he would hold my hands and call me 
 " dear," 
 And every time somebody rung, why, then 
 I'd say. " Line's busy now ; call up again ! " 
 
 30 
 
XV. 
 
 HAT fellow who calls up his sweet Kate, 
 he 
 Rung in one day and asked to speak to 
 her. 
 (I guessed it might be for the theater) 
 And so I said to myself mentally, 
 " I'll fix you, mister man," and hitched him on 
 
 A line I knew an Irish girl named Kate 
 McCarthy worked — a great, big Amazon, 
 And told the girls to all plug in and wait. 
 
 Then pretty soon he called, '' Hello, dear Kate ; 
 
 Can you go to the theater tonight ? " 
 
 And she said " Faix, I wush't, bedad, I might, 
 But who are yez thot wants to make a date? " 
 
 And when the dude got next to it — oh, gee! 
 
 He swore, and said he'd put a head on me! 
 
 Z^ 
 
Lo!C. 
 
XVI. 
 
 HEN that red-headed girl came in today 
 She gave a bunch of violets to Jim, 
 As he was startin' out, and smiled at 
 him — 
 I wish she wouldn't try to be so gay ! 
 I ain't afraid a bit that she will cut 
 
 Me out, 'cause she's as homely as can be, 
 And Jim don't love her any I know, but 
 I wish't he'd take his posies all from me. 
 
 I told her I thought she was gettin' gay. 
 And she was rattled then so badly that 
 She didn't hardly know where she was at, 
 
 And didn't have a blessed thing to say. 
 
 She knows that I am just dead stuck on Jim, 
 And I don't want her monkevin' 'round him ! 
 
 34 
 
XVII. 
 
 H, JOY ! the boss has placed an order now 
 That folks can't kick to us girls any 
 more. 
 
 No longer will we hear that daily roar 
 That telephones don't work. I'm glad the row 
 That's been a-goin' on has been transferred. 
 
 And that one chap must answer every kick, 
 Because us hello girls, you bet, have heard 
 Enough of that blamed stuff to make us sick. 
 
 I bet that chap will wish that he could die 
 When he hears forty hundred times a day 
 Some '' knocker " ring him up and holler, 
 " Say, 
 My telephone don't work ; can you tell why ? " 
 Gee! in six weeks he'll be so rattled that 
 ril bet three dimes he won't know where he's 
 at! 
 
N02- COf^^ 
 
 COM PC/^/(Nrs 
 
XVIII. 
 
 HEY'S trouble at the office now. They 
 say 
 Another company's goin' to start up 
 here, 
 And it has put our boss up on his ear, 
 And he is gettin' crosser every day. 
 You bet if a competitor should come 
 
 To this town, and should try to get a few 
 Subscribers from them, things 'round here would 
 hum, 
 And telephones work better than they do! 
 
 But just as long as they have got a cinch, 
 And are the whole cheese, why. of course, you 
 
 know 
 That they ain't goin' to spend a lot of dough 
 
 Improvin' things, nor give in a blamed inch ! 
 If folks don't like the service, they can go 
 To thunder, or not put in 'phones, you know! 
 
 38 
 
XIX. 
 
 HEY'VE put me onto night work now, 
 and it 
 Ain't any fun to start out in the dark, 
 And walk way out alone to Eastlake park 
 At 2 o'clock, when it comes time to quit. 
 Sometimes I'm awful scared, for who can tell 
 But what some Jack-the-Kisser might grab 
 me, 
 And no one'd ever hear me if I'd yell, 
 And tell the horrid thing to let me be. 
 
 Then how I'd wish so much that Jim was there ! 
 He'd grab that big stifif by the throat, and slam 
 Him on the sidewalk, and then he would lam 
 
 It to him, and he'd whirl him through the air, 
 And they'd be just a grease-spot left of him. 
 When he had passed out of the hands of Jim ! 
 
 40 
 
XX. 
 
 HIS mornin' some one called me up and 
 said: 
 " You'd better send the ambulance out 
 here, 
 One of your linemen's 'lectrocuted near 
 My house, and I'm afraid the chap is dead." 
 And oh ! I jumped, and was most scared to death, 
 
 Because I was afraid it might be Jim, 
 And you can bet I drew a good, long breath. 
 When they 'phoned back and said it wasn't 
 him ! 
 
 There wouldn't be no use for me to live 
 If anything should happen to my Jim, 
 Life wouldn't be worth much now without 
 him — 
 
 In fact, I'm almost pretty positive 
 
 That I might have committed suicide, 
 If they had said it was my Jim that died! 
 
 42 
 
imAU.h\tiAiilJLnj.i 
 
XXL 
 
 ('M GOIN' to quit the company today! 
 I've hollered "Number?" for the last, 
 last time; 
 No more I'll have to say " Line's busy," I'm 
 Engaged. I wonder what the boss will say? 
 That freckled and red-headed girl, I bet 
 Will be a-feelin' awful jealous now, 
 But she won't stand no chances anyhow 
 Of gettin' Jim, but she will have to set 
 
 Here hollerin' "Hello!" while Jim and me 
 Are married, and as happy as can be! 
 
 I'm glad that I won't have to hear no more 
 Blamed telephone complaints. 'Twill kind of 
 
 seem 
 As if this was a nightmare or a dream, 
 For things will be so different than before. 
 Oh, it will be slick not to have to say 
 "Hello!" and "Number?" every blessed 
 day! 
 
 44 
 
MAY 4 1903 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 018 602 218 A ' #