KENTISH TALES, IN VERSE, AND OTHER HUMOROUS POEMS. KENTISH TALES, IN VERSE, AND OTHER HUMOROUS POEMS. NOTES, HISTORICAL, WITTICAL, CRITICAL, WAG, AND PRAGMATICAL, fyc. §c. tyc. BY THE LATE EDWARD NAIRNE, Esq. Of Sandwich, in Kent. SECOND EDITION. SANDGATE: PUBLISHED BY MESSRS. PURDAY AND SON; AND SOLD BY J. OFFOR, NEWGATE STREET. LONDON. 0/ -f r 51C\ r 0£ Printed by J. F. Hove, St. John's Square, ADVERTISEMENT TO THE PRESENT EDITION. N 5 These Humorous Tales and Poems were first published by subscription about the year 1790, and have been for many years past totally out of print— although had the witty and facetious Author lived, there can be little doubt but that a second edition with his own corrections (and pos- sibly with many additions), would long ere now have made its appearance, and most probably with superior advantages. Be that as it may, his little book is now rescued from oblivion, and presented to the public in a new and neat edition, and also at a moderate price. Those who may happen to possess the first edition of these Poems, will find a few trifling alterations in the phraseology, which the Editor hopes will be generally VI approved. He has been as sparing as pos* sible in making such alterations, and has confined himself mostly to an exchange of words — scarcely allowing himself in any instance to alter ideas — -choosing rather that the humour of the Sandwich Bard should be preserved in its native dress, than by any mixture of his own ideas to produce a motley garment. In some of the Tales, and more parti- cularly in that of Dame Hobday, the Kentish dialect as spoken by the wholly uneducated part of the peasantry, is intro- duced ; but, thanks to the various socie- ties for the education of the poor, we may now hope, that the curious though barba- rous lingo, which is so humorously and faithfully portrayed in some of the fol- lowing pages, will soon cease to form any part of the vocabulary even of the poorest classes in British society. THE EDITOR. Sandgate, Jan. 12, 1824. THE AUTHOR'S ADDRESS TO THE SUBSCRIBERS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, It was originally my intention (in com- pliance with the mandates of that tyrant Custom), to have written a preface to the following sheets ; but reflecting that a pre- face to a work of this kind has seldom any other design, or can indeed answer any other purpose than to convey an apology for obtruding it on the public, and for its appearance in a garb of coarse materials, indifferently worked up, I have relin- quished the intention, and will not antici- VI11 pate any sorrow that may arise to you for an unthrifty expenditure of money. — If I have entertained an idea of there being the least degree of merit in the per- formance, and it shall appear not to con- tain any, I may truly say — My hope was like a negro's child, born fair, But chang'd, alas ! as soon to black despair ! THE DEDICATION, which may as well be inserted here as in a separate page, is TO MY VERY NUMEROUS AND RESPECTABLE SUBSCRIBERS. If, peradventure, any thing may be found in the work to please, I shall be happy for their sakes; but the faults, which I fear are numerous, 1 must beg leave to consign to those, who have abilities and inclination to correct them. — It has been complained of, that the long and ingenious eking out appendages of IX title-page, preface, dedication, introduc- tion, head-piece, tail-piece, &c. and finis (the happy issue out of these afflictions) frequently compose a large part (excuse the expression) of a small work, and have been, not unaptly, compared to the deco- raments of the table when the joint is but small. I hope I shall not incur a similar imputation, by being thought too prolix and tedious— indeed I once had it in con- templation to make the following addition to my title-page, viz. with notes, historical, wittical, critical, wag, and pragmatical, &c. &c. &c. — but as it might have been deemed ostentatious, I have omitted it. To conclude, if comparisons were ad- missible, I should liken some of the above enumerated articles of preface, &c. to an author's personal application for a favour — The preface is, the rap at the door, to notify his approach — The dedication, the complaisant and respectful bow — The work, the author himself—and the finis X Or END, the SUBSCRIPTION MONEY. To which end, the present work (like many others of the kind) was composed, and, when accomplished, the favour will be gratefully remembered by The Subscribers' most obedient and obliged humble Servant, THE AUTHOR, CONTENTS. PAG* Prologue ............ 9 Epilogue 11 The Jews Partners, and the Stolen Pork, a Tale 14 The Man and his Three Wives, a Tale . . 18 The Benighted Traveller, a Tale ..... £1 The Drummer and the Turkey, a Tale ... £2 The Inference, a College Tale £6 The Gipsies, and the Stolen Hog, a Tale . . 36 The Beggars, a Tale 46 Dame Hobday, a Tale .56 The Bartering Jew, and the Lace Merchant, a Tale 64 Irregular Address to the Moon ..... 67 Travelling 82 Dutch Academical Bear-dancing .... 9^ HUMOROUS POEMS. The following prologue to the tragedy of The Gamester, and epilogue to the farce of The Mayor of Garrat (performed at Sandwich, some time since, to a very numerous and brilliant audience, for the be- nefit of a Charity School), were written at the request of the gen- tlemen who obligingly took parts on that laudable occasion ; and were the first productions of the author's muse. PROLOGUE. Once more, advent'rous, on these boards we tread, The noble cause of Charity to plead ; Pleas'd to experience what we've humbly planned, So kindly foster'd by your lib'ral hand ; But, whilst we try your minutes to beguile, We deprecate your frowns and court your smile; Then oh ! forbear our weak attempts to blame, Who act from purest motives, not for Fame. — Constant companion of the meek-ey'd maid, Divine Philanthropy shall lend her aid, With gentle care to lead the friendless youth Through the blest paths of innocence and truth, To rectitude shall kindly point the way, Illum'd by Education's genial ray — b 10 HUMOROUS POEMS. Virtue's reward be thine, the conscious meed Of doing well, and Heav'n approve the deed.— To-night our author's tragic scenes disclose A gamester's fate, fraught with ten thousand woes, By play induc'd, whose fascinating pow'r, Draw T s victims to destruction every hour ; Scarcely a trace of honour leaves behind, But warps to infamy the gen'rous mind ; Destroys the innocent intent of cards and dice, And what's for recreation made, perverts to vice. Well has our author in his lines pourtray'd The deep distress by baneful gaming made, Reprov'd the growing vices of the age, And lash'd the gamester in his moral page; Success attend his plan, and ere too late To snatch one victim from impending fate. — Yet, though the sordid contest we disclaim, We'll, by permission, try a nobler game, To win the stakes our cards we'll careful range, And, though success attend, we'll make exchange \ We freely lose our spades and clubs to boot, Anxious to prosper only in one suit ; E'en from a bulse of diamonds gladly part, Amply repaid if we can win the Heart. EPILOGUE; 11 EPILOGUE. Ladies ! I'm come to set you all agog, I've found a bantling, call'd an epilogue! A meagre, shapeless thing, all skin and bone, Which, without aid, can never walk alone : Your tend'rest care its infant state demands; — Trembling I leave it to your bounteous hands. He who would learn these subjects well to handle. Must, at the fire of knowledge, light his candle ; If it burns dull, and glimmering withal, And flashes not, then we it rush-light call { But if its scintillation's bright and quick^ A genius that, and then we call it — wick. Permit me now a word or two to speak, In character of rush-light Jerry Sneak ; Then with friend Jerry's contrast take a turn, And try if master Wick will brighter burn. " Rais'd to a high and monstrous station, " And squier mayor choos'd, I'll make noration ; " But softly ! — If my gentle vife should come, u Her presence, somehow, always strikes me dumb ! " Veil then — I'll tell you vot, and how't must be, " Chris Heeltap — he shall speechify for me !— " A clever fellow that — can read the news, " And speeches cobble, as he cobbles shoes ! " If such-like things you want, and Crispin ax, u He'll knock you off a stave as clean as wax, 12 HUMOROUS POEMS. " Sharp as his boring awl! — speaks well, by golls, iC And by his art can pierce your wery souls ! " Heyday! all off!— then I'll to Mug's begone, " Sir Jacob's there, and Bruin, ten to one — " My vife can't bide him, ne'er will be at peace, " She says, till Vick'ry has him for his grease ! — " Lint's gone, I guess, to listen out for groans, " And Simon Snuffle to his land of bones.* " Is snap-cat Goosey gone, do you suppose, " Home, without pay, to mend his tatter'd clothes f u No — he's too deep for that! — he's gone to sell " Some cabbag'd remnants, from his wooden hell ! si Praps Mrs. Sneak with Sturgeon sneak'd away, " I wish I know'd — Fd to the major say: — ' When to your arms shall fall a mistress Sneaky i By finery caught and compliments made meek, ' Be careful when the time of meeting suits, ' To stop the key-hole, 'fore you draw your boots.'" Now with friend Jerry having done to-night, We'll speak for Wick, but first let's snuff his light. " From mimic scenes we'll call your contemplation, a To scenes which soon shall agitate the nation ;f u First comes a parchment herald,% like a bird,§ u Long may its joyful style be — George the Third; * Church-yard. t The then approaching general election. X The writ. § On account of the expedition with which the writ is sometimes conveyed. EPILOGUE. 13 u Then come the champion candidates for votes, " And hint intended favours, thick as oats, u With gilded train light up our hemisphere, " And blaze like comets once in seven year ; cc But when the glaring revolution's done, u And a fresh lease extracted from their sun, " Our high-rais'd expectation quickly fails, " They take a comet's leave, and turn their tails ! u And who their trackless passage can explore, " Lost in oblivion's void, and seen no more ! " Not so our little stars,* their course shall run u In paths eccentric, and desert their sun ; u Reflecting all the radiance in their pow'r^ " They'll bless their patrons till their latest hour/' * Charity children. B 2 14 HUMOROUS POEMS. THE JEWS PARTNERS AND THE STOLEN PORK. A TALE. Some twenty years ago — 'tis true, Isaacs, a poor pedestrian Jew, By wishful inclination prest, A ribspare stole, already drest ; He had a partner in his trade, Call*d Moses — him an offer made To be concerned — and let him in For half the pork and half the sin ; Soon to his scheme poor smouchy won ? Not choosing to be d — mn'd alone. From Deal to Dover their abode, Onward they trudge — a pleasant road, And as the day began to w r aste, Eager the unknown cates to taste, They halted at a little wood, Near where a rustic alehouse* stood ° 7 That dinner o'er, they soon might join To wash it down with barley wine* And, lest a traveller, passing by, The meat forbidden should espy, And interrupt their dainty meal, Isaacs proposed to call it veal ; * Riagwould. THE JEWS PARTNERS. 15 But Moses seemed more inclin'd " Mutton" to call't " mid de tick roind f Their box a table made for both, A snuffy muckenger a cloth ; For filth with Jews is deem'd no vice, They oft-times are more wise than nice. Eager they cut and slash away, Not e'en for benediction stay ; A heinous crime, I shrewdly guess, With them unhallow'd pork to bless ; Pleas'd with the daints they lift their eyes, And eat with wonder and surprise. Here, gentle reader, double down, While (presto) I look back to town, And fancy I can plainly hear Newton,* the owner, rave and swear ; Not philosophic Newton he, From stoic apathy quite free, Would swear in style, and never sham, Nor cheat Old Nic — by dem for damn ; His passion broils, he cannot brook it, But bl — sts the pork and him who took it. Ill-fated swine ! who when alive With broomsticks beat to make ye thrive, f * The loser of the pork, who kept a public house at Deal. t Said to be a practice among countrymen, when a hog is hide- bound, that by loosening his skin, he may have the more room to grow. 16 HUMOROUS TOEMS. And though ye squeal and make a rout, They'll thrust a ringle through your snout. Though e'en from Satan ye are free, Nor driven headlong to the sea, Maugre your soul-enchanting note, The bloody butcher cuts your throat; Your ev'ry part men eat for food, And puddings make of your heart's blood; When dead you'r d — mn'd as well as living. And gorg'd by Jews, without thanksgiving ; This in the sequel will appear, And this we presently shall hear, How short men's happiness on earth, Doom'd to misfortunes from their birth ! E'en now the tiffling winds arise, And low'ring clouds deform the skies; The thunders roll, the lightnings glare, And shake their Hebrew souls with fear ! " Smoses in sackcloth we must bow, " For Cot Almoitish' angry now, " No such vile stuff again must eat, " But trow away de shinful meat." The winds soon chase the storm away, And Phoebus darts a brighter ray, And as they view th' unclouded scene,. Their ruffled minds became serene; Nay almost into courage grow, Nor will they yet the pork forego ; THE JEWS PARTNERS. 17 On settled weather they presume, And instantly the meal resume. " O ! dat I ne'er de pork had sheen, " : Or ratder had a Christian been, " For, mister Smoses, don't it eat " Moch better dan our cosher* meat ?" (How shall I Jewish jargon coin?) " By Cot Almoitish vashly foin." But, as it were, by magic spell, And conjur'd up again pell-mell, The lightnings flash, and — dire mishap ! Succeeds a louder thunder clap ! In vain a contest with the skies, They soon give up the luckless prize ; But Isaacs, who had been the thief, Indignant — call'd to his relief These words, to give his passion vent, Which soon the blast to heaven sent — " I see de meat we mosht forsake ; " But had I taught dat Heaven wou'd make " Soch dreadful noise and piece of work, " Apout a leetel pit of pork, " And Cot Almoitish had begrutcht it " Smoses, pe tam't if I'd have toucht it * Purified. 18 HUMOROUS POEMS. THE MAN AND HIS THREE WIVES. A TALE. It happen'd once, It happen'd twice, And three times did it happen, In life'* short span A certain man In wedlock was yntrappen ! The first he wed, To church he led, And, as the story's told, This beauty bright Betroth'd downright For love, and not for gold. How quick, alas ! Runs mortals' glass ; How fleeting beauty's pride ! For one short year Stopp'd her career, She sicken'd, and — she died ! Now Prudence, sly, Says, mind your eye, Don't let your passions rove J THE MAN AND HIS THREE WIVES. 19 Marry, I say, But do it, pray, For money, not for love. Not now so nice, He takes advice, And weds a wealthy dame; She had, beside Her taw 7 ny hide, One eye, and she was lame, But what cares he, From earth set free, By kind obliging Death; Seiz'd with a cough, She soon hopp'd off, And died for want of breath ! What's to be done, Her glass thus run? Why, marry once again; Another wife May have a life, Longer than t'other twain. And so she had, For him, egad, A terrible disaster! For she would fight, Morn, noon, and night, Petermin'd to be master. 20 HUMOROUS POEMS. Long time this wife The dubious strife Maintain'd — at last she fell, The battle lost, Gave up the ghost, And went, 'tis thought, to Hell ! Now I, says he, May happy be, Whilst here on earth I tarry, Till my life's end Enjoy my friend, But hang me if I marry. I've done what's right, Fought a good fight, Have tam'd an imp uncivil; And conquer'd too (A thing quite new) The world, the Jlesh, and devil. THE BENIGHTED TRAVELLER. 21 THE BENIGHTED TRAVELLER. A TALE. Bewildered in a winter's night, No friendly star affording light, A traveller his road had lost; And almost lost his wits, through fear, That he might ride, without great care, Into a chalkpit or against a post. At length he spied a glimm'ring ray, And thither, trembling, bent his way; A queer, curmudgeonly old put Inhabited the lonely hut. Who, having scrap'd together pelf, Wisely protected it himself— " Hilloa! hilloa!" the trav'ller cries, " I've lost my road ! do, good sir, rise " And, kind, direct me in the way;" ' Who art? whose servant art? I say'— " No man's, sir — my own master I." Old slyboots drily made reply— c If, as thou say'st, thou'rt thine own master •, * May'st slowly ride, or travel faster, ' And go (extinguishing the light) c Which way you please' — And so he might, c 22 HUMOROUS POEMS. THE DRUMMER AND THE TURKEY. A TALE. When cut-throat War had spread alarms, And Britain's sons were called to arms, Invading forces to repel, And fight, like Trojan boys, pell-mell, A hopeful regiment— sans doute, Receiv'd their orders, call'd a route ; To march with speed — and, bold as Mars Set off, to spoil Monsieur's droll farce. Now at the drum and fife's shrill call, The troops assembled, one and all, With glitt'ring arms, on glory bent, And, left feet foremost,, off they went ! With march fatigu'd, and heat oppressed, A halt was call'd, to give them rest, And shelter too — for mid-day's blaze Had burnt their brains out with its rays! Now Discipline's coercive hand Relax'd — and now ihe band, No more to rank and file confin'd, Upon the verdant grass reclin'd — '•} THE DRUMMER AND THE TURKEY. 28 A stream, meand'ring through the vale, Supply'd these folks with Adam's ale, And bread and cheese supply'd their wallet, And mother Earth — Chadnezzar's* pallet,*}* — Soon came, with eager haste, to view, Labour's stout sous, and daughters too! Eve's offspring all — from lady frail, To D0LL5 who bears the milking-pail, Enough to furnish a seraile ! — Meanwhile, a drummer of the core 5 J Who'd fought old soldier o'er and o'er, A wily elf, more knave than fool, Train'd up in ancient Pistol's school, And who a happy knack could boast, Of finding things before they're lost, (Yet, as his panegyrists teach, Ne'er took a thing beyond his reach) With hurried step, intent on pillage, Hast'ned to the deserted village! Soon did our hero, in his furtive range, Espy the burnish'd champion of the grange, With ruthless hand (unpitied by a tear) Stopp'd the ' shrill clarion' of proud Chanticleer, Not here desisted ! — nor can pen describe The havoc made amongst the feather'd tribe! This blade would steal a horse or mare, and mount her, Nor poultry spar'd, nor dreaded Poultry-compter; * Nebuchadnezzar. t Bed, or resting-place. $ Corps. C 2 24 HUMOROUS POEMS. Nor fear'd the wrath of day to come, But slyly stufFd into his drum The produce of bis noon-tide ramble, Fowls, ducks, and turkeys, tout -ensemble— Now did the modern Alexander (I mean the gallant troops' commander) Give word to march — Rous'd at th' inspiring sound, Soldiers, like Cadmians, started from the ground, The road retiring from their constant beat, Quickly the destin'd place their optics greet, Where, smiling bland, the beauties press, Allur'd by all-subduing dress ! — Proceeding through the yiwr-throng'd street, The drums th' accustomed march 'gan beat ; The comrades' hollow drums beat loud and clear, Our drum (so fully-crammd!) assail'd the ear With noise like sound emitted from a tub, For theirs went row-dow-dow ! but ours went rub- dub~dub $ The rest kept beating on — our cunning tike The motions flourish 'd well, but did not strike! By accident observed (though so sly) An officer (who ne'er a fault pass'd by) Call'd out, vocif'rous, in prodigious heat ; — 'Pray why, infernal rascal, don't you beat?' Finding at once excuses for his tricks, Thus whispered soft the man of skin and sticks : THE DRUMMER AND THE TURKEY. 25 a Your Honour! — please when we to quarters come, " Pve got a turkey for you, in my drum !" — Incontinent, with the idea pleas'd, He smooth'd his wrinkl'd brow, and wrath appeas'd, And cry'd — ' Well, well — I pity you — but pray, 4 If th' had'st Rheumatics got — why did'st not say ? ? c 3 26 HUMOROUS POEMS* THE INFERENCE. A COLLEGE TALE. INTRODUCTION. Nothing so certain is, or serious, But that a wily wicked wit May (if his dogship thinketh fit) Turn into jest, or make mysterious. I'll set before you an example, Promiscuous ta'en from Memory's store, With simile your ears I'll bore, And afterward produce the sample. Those who in Middle-row have loiter'd, A dark and narrow place in Holborn, And mark'd the tatter'd wight and low born, And shabbaroos have reconnoiter'd, And, while the stalls they've rummag'd o'er, For obsolete and ancient lore, Enough to make 'em crazy, Have seen the raggamuffins pop Into the ready-rhino shop, To dip hap-hazard for a jazey,* No doubt have laugh'd to view their nobs, * Cant word for a wig. Formerly in Middle-row, Holborn, wigs of different sizes were put into a bag, and any person for three- THE INFERENCE. 27 Furnish'd with perukes, hempen, flaxen, Or goat-hair, long-tail, cow-tail caxon, Or grizzles, perriwinks, # or bobs. So will your worships laugh to spy Your humble servant in a wig, Too long, 1 fear, too rough, too big, And put on too so much awry. My tale's the emblematic scratchy And most fortuitously hit on, When drest by me 'twill be a catch For critics to discharge their wit on ; For though I press and comb it out Smooth as I can, and oil it, A very little touch 1 doubt, Will discompose and spoil it; Then more the lash severe I dread, And strictures keen of hypers/f* Than water dripping on the head, Or scorpions' stings or vipers/ Ah! do not beadles of Parnass With cat-'o-nine-tails follow, A braying, straying, sinning ass, Against the god Apollo; pence, might dip his hand and take out the first he laid hold of; and if dissatisfied with his prize, might, on paying three-halfpence, return it and dip again. Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue. * Perriwinkles— a sort of wig formerly much in vogue amongst seafaring persons; consisting of a great number of small curls spirally twisted to a point, and not unlike an assemblage of perri- winkles. f Hypercritics. 30 HUMOROUS POEMS. Soon to effect a demolition, Of the learn'd tutor's definition ; And Madam Fortune, or the Devil, (Who to his children's mighty civil On Earth, they say — and if 'tis true, Why let the Devil have his due ;) Contriv'd at once to make him pop On a gay academic fop, Who priz'd the mind's acquirements less Than the refinement of his dress, And with the fair sex chose to dangle, Rather than hear the students wrangle, Of chopping logic knew no more Than's known of sea, by us on shore.-— For though our tender, nurturing dame,* Has milk enough for all who claim, Yet some more wayward than the rest, Will never kindly take the breast. — The proposition public made, Was soon accepted by the blade ; 'Twas done, and done — an umpire chosen ; The wager was, a rump and dozen. — And now to bring the joke about, Sir Pickle briskly sallies out ; But presently he makes a stop, At the sign-painter Wiseman's shop ; * Aima Mater. THE INFERENCE. 31 (The modest muse, 'twould ill become her, To hint that this was a misnomer!) " Sir, I'm no stranger to your fame, " And find you have a wondWous name ! " Will you, sir, so obliging be " To draw an Inference for me ? u For you, I hear (I do not flatter), " Can draw prodigiously from nature." 1 Good sir ! 1 can't an Inference draw, * For such a thing 1 never saw ! ' Wish'd to obleege you' — " Do not doubt it, u No matter, sir, can do without it — " Good day t'ye, sir"— c Good day' — and now Makes to the painter his best bow, With feign'd confusion, bending double, " Sham'd to have given so much trouble." — Elated with this first success, He bless'd his stars, nor could do less ; And as he trips along the street, With bright'ned looks and nimble feet, Had the good fortune in the way, To meet a heavy loaded dray, Drawn by a horse of strength so great, Three tons did scarce appear a weight. Eftsoons our roguish chick addrest The sturdy driver of the beast ; €t Hip, my good friend," — (says he)— of course, , ' A-whohey' — instant stops the horse ; 30 HUMOROUS POEMS. Soon to effect a -demolition, Of the learn'd tutor's definition ; And Madam Fortune, or the Devil, (Who to his children's mighty civil On Earth, they say — and if 'tis true, Why let the Devil have his due ;) Contriv'd at once to make him pop On a gay academic fop, Who priz'd the mind's acquirements less Than the refinement of his dress, And with the fair sex chose to dangle, Rather than hear the students wrangle, Of chopping logic knew no more Than's known of sea, by us on shore.— For though our tender, nurt'ring dame^ Has milk enough for all who claim, Yet some more wayward than the rest, Will never kindly take the breast. — The proposition public made, Was soon accepted by the blade ; 'Twas done j and done — an umpire chosen ; The wager was, a rump and dozen, — And now to bring the joke about, Sir Pickle briskly sallies out ; But presently he makes a stop, At the sign-painter Wiseman's shop ; * Aima Mater. THE INFERENCE. 31 (The modest muse, 'twould ill become her, To hint that this was a misnomer!) " Sir, I'm no stranger to your fame, " And find you have a wondWous name ! " Will you, sir, so obliging be " To draw an Inference for me ? " For you, I hear (I do not flatter), " Can draw prodigiously from nature." € Good sir ! 1 can't an lifer ence draw, ' For such a thing 1 never saw ! 1 Wish'd to obleege you' — " Do not doubt it, " No matter, sir, can do without it — " Good day t'ye, sir" — c Good day' — and now Makes to the painter his best bow, With feign'd confusion, bending double, " Sham'd to have given so much trouble." — Elated with this first success, He bless'd his stars, nor could do less ; And as he trips along the street, With bright'ned looks and nimble feet, Had the good fortune in the way, To meet a heavy loaded dray, Drawn by a horse of strength so great, Three tons did scarce appear a weight. Eftsoons our roguish chick addrest The sturdy driver of the beast; " Hip, my good friend/' — (says he)— of course, ' A-whohey'— instant stops the horse ; 32 HUMOROUS POEMS. For, as I learn, though always mellow, He's a good-temper'd, civil fellow, Whose ruby cheek, reflective, shows The strong-beer fever of his nose, Which glowing in the ripen'd snout, Best proves the strength of master's stout, And recommends the potent brown, Better than any sign in town, — " My honest friend," begins the wag, " A little favour may I beg ? " I wish to have a short discourse, " About the powers of your horse ; " The noblest beast I ever saw ! " Pray how much think you he can draw?" ' I cannot, master, jestly tell, — ' He draa's his loads most desp'rate well !' — " D'ye think, as he has so much bone, " He'd draw an Inference alone ?" i I may not understand you right, ' But think 'tis likely that he might, 6 For yet I never know'd him flinch ' At any thing, upon a pinch ; ' And ta' him in a proper season, ' He'll draa' ye any thing in reason, 9 — " That's good — 'tis just the thing by jingo, " Here's for a shilling's worth of stingo, 9 ' Long look'd for even came at last, And shew'd which way the die was cast; THE INFERENCE. 33 The wag (all parties being met) Thus states his title to the bet :— u A man, a Wiseman too, I saw, " Who never could an Inference draw, " And afterward I saw r a horse, " Who could an Inference draw, of course; " For, on the credit of his tutor tl (Who's not here now, though may in future) u 'Tis certain, in a proper season, " He'd draw ye any thing in reason" — 1 This (says the umpire) proves his fitness c To draw an Inference, with a witness; c It makes it very clearly out, ' And puts the matter past a doubt.' — The Flat* now finding to his cost, That he had thus the wager lost, * There are three sorts of genii, or geniuses, in the great semina- ries of learning, as well as in other places, who, put them into a musi- cal scale, may be thus characterized : A person like the one above alluded to may be properly denomi- nated A Flat. A student in the university having a desire to peruse a book which was in the possession of another student in the adjoining chambers, sent his compliments and requested the loan of it for a short time — He returned this answer by the servant; " My compliments to your " master, and inform him I never lend a book out; but if your mas. " ter will come to my chambers and read it there, he shall be wel- M come." The gentleman conceiving this to be an uncivil refusal, did not go. — A short time afterward the book holder, having occa- sion to get a fire made in haste, sent his compliments to the first- D 34 HUMOROUS POEMS. Pays in a huff— d-mns his dull sconce, And rusticates himself at once; Whilst half a dozen jolly fellows, Sing out Old Rose and burn the bellows,* mentioned student, and begged he would lend him a pair of bellows —The gentleman returned this answer ; " My compliments to your " master, and inform him that I never lend my bellows out ; but if " your master will come to my chambers and make use of them there, " he may amuse himself by blowing at my fire till the bellows and " himself are both out of breath.'* — This you see is The Sharp. Another gentleman of the university having a favourite cat, and that she should not be confined in his absence, had a hole cut in the bottom of the door, to give her free egress and regress. Sometime afterward she kittened, and one of the kittens being very much like the mother, he determined to save it as her representative, in case she should die first. This point settled, he sent for Mr. Chopstick the carpenter, and ordered him to cut another hole in the door, of a si- milar form, but of a smaller size; which being done, Chopstick begged to know for what purpose the last hole was cut ? Why you must know, friend, replied the gentleman, I have two cats, a great one and a little one : the great hole is for the great cat, and the little hole is for the little cat to go through. — Here is The Natural. Another gentleman being under examination in the science of astronomy, was asked, among other questions, Whether the Sun re- volved round the Earth, or the Earth round the Sun ? After a little hesitation, he answered, " Sometimes one, and sometimes Mother." — This last genius, being a genius sui generis, and a non-descript, I have left a blank for my readers to fill up the space with such a term j ae they may think appropriate to him ( ) * Expression used for excess of jollity. THE INFERENCE* 35 And while the rosy wine they quaff, Indulge, at his expense, the laugh, And kept it up in joyous plight, 'Till they had seen the noon of night. D 2 36 HUMOROUS POEMS. THE GIPSIES AND THE STOLEN HOG. A TALE. The human race, we all agree, By Nature's unrestrain'd and free ? Yet the depravity of man Requires a strong coercive plan, The weak and feeble to protect, And our enormities correct ; Else boundless liberty, I trow, Into licentiousness would grow ; Though some in spite of law's decree, Wander, disgrace to policy. Search all this planet's ample round, Not one assemblage can be found, Amongst the tribes of human kind, Much more to liberty inclin'd, Than are the artful gipsy crew, Of sallow and disgusting hue, Who, scorning law's compulsive sway, Despoil the farmer night and day. Close by the skirtings of a wood, Near where a pleasant hamlet stood^ THE GIPSIES. ^ A dingy, smoke-dried, squalid race, Which even Norwood* might disgrace, Had pitch'd their tents— convenient spot For fuel, when they boil the pot, Or when they roast a dainty bit, To cut the ready ashen spit : For oft, excursive as they stroll, They nimf a pig, a duck, or fowl ; In short, whatever they can get, '" All's fish with them that comes to net." Now when the moon had forc'd away The shining monarch of the day, And had amidst the starry train, Began her Oliverian reign, % Forth from the predatory crew, Sly issue a selected few, Of those whose keen observant eye, Had mark'd the pride of all the sty ; With soft and cautious tread, and slow, Securely to the farm-yard go, There execute their fell design Amongst the batt'ning race of swine; * A place near London, famous for the resort of gipsies. t To steal or pilfer. $ " Oliver" is the gipsies' cant word for the moon. — These commonwealth's people frequently commit thefts in the night time during the protectorate, or under the favour of this planet, and for that reason, I presume, they call it Oliver. — The gipsies are some- times called moon-men, from their plundering excursions by moon- light. b3 38 HUMOROUS POEMS. For well th* inebriate drug they knew, And what its influence could do, To stop their harsh discordant cries, And seal with sleep their maudlin eyes, Their booty take without remorse, And to the Ruffman's* bear his corse. His cruel fate who can but weep, Murder'd so basely in his sleep ! Ere Sol, with golden rays bedight, Had dried away the tears of night, Or ere the heralds of the morn, Had crow'd responsive — or the horn Sweet echoing through the woodland's space, Had call'd the hunters to the chase, The man of industry awoke, To feed bis swine and tend the yoke, No care his placid mind to cross, As yet unwitting of the loss. — Words can but give (howe'er combin'd) A faint idea of his mind, The loss perceiv'd ! his bosom bleeds, And rage to poignant grief succeeds. At length suspicions justly fell Upon the worthless imps of hell ; But they have arts to hide their prey. And keep detection still at bay ; * Cant term for a wood* THE GIPSIES. 39 For though a trusty friend was sent, By seeming chance, to view the tent, Nought could be seen but old rags there, Straw, and their culinary ware, And one pretended sick, whose moan Would almost move a heart of stone, On purpose left — his looks command A shilling from the liberal hand ! " God bless you, sir !"— but ah ! forbear To reckon on the spurious pray'r ; For though to Charity be given The blessings of approving Heaven, Deceit can never call them forth, Nought but the deed's intrinsic worth ! Where now is gone each vagrant tramp ? Deserted thus the filthy camp ! Gone to the villages and farms, With asses, pedlar-dogs,* and swarms Of brats and bantlings, living lumber, Stuff'd into panniers,f without number, * A particular sort of dog, so called from their being chiefly kept by pedlars and trarapers. t The gipsies are a very prolific people — they have a community of wives, and indeed of every thing else; perhaps the celebrated author of " Thelypthora" might have witnessed the happiness of their system — it is very pleasant in theory, but the practice may, in some cases, be dangerous. This reminds me of a circumstance which hap- pened some time since — A testy old gentleman, who, it seemed, had more occasion for a nurse than a wife, being wedded to a person of inferior age, and taking offence at some slight inattention, exclaimed, 4 HUMOROUS POEMS. And ballad-baskets, and with packs, And some with urchins at their backs. And now they make a short abode. Fixing head-quarters by the road, From whence some steal away, and lurk, Watching the peasants to their work, And then detach a whining mort* To importune for scraps and ort ;f They're soon bestow'd by Rose or Grace — " Bless your kind soul! bless that sweet face!" And now T fair Rose with art she plies, " Sweet girl, there's babes in those bright eyes !" Views her spread palm, and says 5 " in sooth " I here can trace the happy youth ! " Your fortune I can truly tell, " Don't be afraid, you'll like it well, " 'Tis but a tester — come — now do" — * Lwill,' says Rose, ' if Grace will too !' — " 1 will," says Grace, " if Rose will first," And Rose prepares to hear the worst ! Her swelling bosom heaving strong, Like wave propelling w r ave along, in a very peevish manner, '• he wished he lived in Turkey, for there,' s says he, " a man may have as many wives as he pleases." ' Pho, * pho, my dear/ replies the wife, ' you'd make but a poor Turk.'— And I firmly believe that the thelypthoratic scheme of the late reve- rend Mr. Madan, if he did not make us poor Turks, would make some of us ridiculous Christians. * Woman— Cant term. t Broken victuals. THE GIPSIES. 41 Reveals (for Nature so design'd) The pleasing tumult of her mind ! Now must the fair, the blooming Rose, Her private marks and blies disclose ! Oh ! I should like, upon my honour, To play a merry trick upon her, And in a female gipsy's guise, Reading her fortune in her eyes, Extract the secrets of her soul, And find out where she has a mole ! But soft! — Remember that we ought To sin not-^no — not e'en in thought. Then must t bid the maid adieu, And turn reluctant from the view ! Reflecting (as we sometimes ought) On worldly matters, I have thought, That these prognostics often prove, The sources of illicit love ; For when the credulous or frail, Hears her whole fortune in detail — How many times she shall be wed, How often shall be brought to bed ; Or, if perchance the gipsies tell, That Eve, her great-great-grandame, fell, And (as one pea is like another) She ere she weds may be a mother ; No marvel when a youth assails, That he so easily prevails ; 42 HUMOROUS POEMS. What must be, will be, soon or late, 'Tis fruitless to oppose our fate. Whilst these, and scenes like these, move on, Until the fleeting day is done, The farmer meditates a plan At night to catch them— if he can! Delusive hope! can he expect A crew so wary. to detect ! As soon I should expect to find Munchausen's page to truth inclined, Or hear it told in serious mood, That Hell itself is built with wood! For see the corpse* they slyly take From the deep dell o'erspread with brake, And shelt'ring furze, whose flow'rets gay, Exclude Apollo's fiercest ray ! Now to the tent securely brought, He's habited as quick as thought, In the pretended sick man's clothes, With hat, and gloves, and shoes, and hose ; And where the garments loosely sit, With hay plumpt out they're made to fit; A dirty cap and cravat deck His head, and ears, and face, and neck; His bosom stain'd th' Egyptian hue, With walnut juice, is left to view, * The stolen hog. THE GIPSIES. 43 And thus equipt from feet to head, He represents the gipsy dead ! And now his corpse in form laid forth, Upon the lap of mother Earth, And torches lighted ; they begin A loud and most infernal din, And, with their shrieks, make more ado Than Paddy with his pillaloo* — Whilst one more artful than the rest, The pitying farmer thus addrest : '* If thou hast not a heart of steel, " For our misfortune you must feel, " For see our father's lying dead " Upon the cold and grassy bed; " Then at the dawn thy servants send, " Thy wain and horses likewise lend, <€ And take him to a distant place, " The burying-ground of all our race ; " Which if thou dost, may Heaven shed " Its choicest blessings on thy head, " Preserve thy offspring day and night, " Thy folds from rot — thy corn from blight ; "• But if thou cruelly reject " This small request, can'st thou expect " Thy cattle to be free from harm, '■' From malice, or from spell or charm i" * The Irish death-howl 44 HUMOROUS POEMS. Detested wretch ! who impious dares Include a menace in his prayers! — Whether compassion most prevails, Or fear the farmer's mind assails, We know not — but he gives consent, And unsuspicious leaves the tent : Next morn the wain conveys sir gruff,* Full many tedious furlongs off, He's quickly unattir'd, and then No gipsy he, but hog again ! With Shylock knives they carve him up, And on his flesh in riot sup ! What though these feats may please awhile, Or force a momentary smile, Reflection's calm will sure succeed, And mark the mischiefs of the deed ! 'Tis not the loss we most deplore, Groundless suspicions injure more ; For now, unhappily, we find Misgivings foul possess his mind, For at the guiltless humble cot, He pays the visit long forgot, And hoping he some trace may find, Calls in, uncharitably kind ! Oh ! may the wisdom of the state Old laws enforce, or new create, * Gruff, or gruffy— jocular terra for a hog. • THE GIPSIES, 45 To rid us of the sons of spoil, The vagrant pests of Albion's isle ; And far off, on this earthly ball, Transport the miscreants, one and all. 46 HUMOROUS POEMS. THE BEGGARS. A TALE. A beggar happ'ning once to pop Into a beggar-maker's shop,* Found there a brother of the trade, Who the same port had likewise made, To screen him from the pelting rain, And get his wardrobe dry again ; Snug — till the wind should lose its breath, And calmly die a nat'ral death ! The proverb says, « Birds of a feather " Do usually flock together ;" 'Tis true— And yet we seldom see Two of a trade who can agree ! Nor, as you'll find, did these two wights, These eleemosynary knights ! They knew, instinctively, each other, Each was a judge, and spy'd a brother ! The last who came, good at a joke, His new acquaintance thus bespoke, " What say's thee snap-crust— hast a min't " To treat old TATTERsf with a pint? * An alehouse. t The facetious Mr. Foote observed, " that till he saw the beg- gars in Ireland, he always wondered what the English beggars did with their old clothes !"— I have seen some of the fraternity with THE BEGGARS. 47 t€ I see thee'st been a lucky man, " And got thy wallet full of scran ;* rt But if thee better lik'st — find meat, push ' For shelter to a tree or bush, 1 And those on horseback whipt and rid, 6 Faster than Gilpinf ever did — ' 'Twas dickey % all — so off I ran ; e Pity was lost for beast and man!' Not fiercer broil'd the blazing meat, Than snap-crust did at tatters' feat, He curst him, d— mn'd him, calPd him cheat, For interfering in his beat. — Tatters vindictive was, but sly, And smooth'd him with a soft reply : making the sun stand still -, for that only protracted daylight, and puzzled the clocksmiths ! but this has all the advantages of time, without the inconvenience of waiting for it. * This expression is well understood by the fraternity, but requires I some explanation here. A beggar, in order to excite compassion, must look as well as act the character he assumes. He had that day taken upon him a sham ague, and for the purpose of looking pale and cold, had made use of a clayey substance on his face, but which the rain had washed off. t That renowned quidnunc, immortalized by his equestrian jour- ney from London to Edmonton. $ Dickey — (j. e.) The game is up — Tis all over — There's an end Qf the matter. THE BEGGARS. 51 Come, drink about, and don't be hot, Til give thee part of what I've got, And treat to boot— There's half a crown- Hast ever begg'd in Gotham town ?' 9 No, I am shagged, for I know, c Jack Ragaboy, awhile ago, ' Got sorely flogg'd for begging there ; 1 The beadle had him to the may'r !" So he did ; me but what of that, I d—mn'd his worship for a flat, Throw'd it in sharp — it is as true As God made Moses — so may you ; He's but a cake, and that I saw, And frighten'd if you talk of law? " Gotham's a charitable town ! 1 I thought myself of going down ; ' But 'tis thy beat, I'll not go nigh, c I'd rather thou should'st go than IV 9 Next morn was fine — why should he wait So took a dram, and gang'd his gait — To the good place he posted down, And plyM the outskirts of the town, Took cash galore — and then a dram, And found by these his courage came ; Then to the town proceeds, but first Took stingo* to allay his thirst ; * Strong beer. 52 HUMOROUS TOEMS. And thus made bold with drams* and beer, Could face the devil, or a may'r ! At length, whilst wandering about, The beggar's bo-boyf spied him out, And to the mayor's in a trice, Took him with all his rags and lice ! Mayor. t What fellow's that ? how came he here ?' Beadle. " An please your worship, muster mayor, " I found him begging in the town, " So took him up, and brought him down" — Mayor. ' That's right — and I've a monst'rous mind c To have the thief-lookt chap confin'd ; € What say ye, beadle ? will it do ?' Beadle. " I know I wou'd, if I was you;" Beggar. What you ? Mayor. * Yes, he — and if you prate, * I'll have you flogg'd as sure as fate.' — Beggar. Do 3 if you dare — and if you do, D— mn you, the law shall make you rue ! Mayor. € What sw 7 ear too, do ye i That's enough ! ' Take him, and strip him to the buff, * The smugglers (jocularly called smugsmiths) in some parts of Sussex, frequently sit down and drink white brandy (which they call moonshine) in the same manner that wine-drinkers do port : each has a pot of strong beer by him, out of which he drinks between every toast, to allay the heat occasioned by the ardent spirit; and this they, very properly, call Fire and quench ! A stomach of bell- metal would be very convenient on these occasions. t The beadle. THE BEGGARS. 53 6 At the cart's tail — ne'er mind his cries, ' But lash him till the claret flies/ — Beadle. a Yes, yes, your worship, that I'll do — " I'll teach him how to say — what yotj !" He soon exerted all his skill, And fann'd his hide with heart and will ! The man who whipt apostle Paul, Five times forgot to give him all His lashes ; sith he gave no more Than nine and thirty for two score ! But this obliging beadle gave One over what snap oughWo have, And, to indulge his country cousin, Let him have thirteen to the dozen ! Drew 7 out and painted on his back, A Yankee-doodle Boston jack, # Then set the wincing culprit free, With thirteen stripes and liberty! — The feeling muse could never bear A tale of woe, unmov'd to hear, Or one relate, so draws a veil O'er the affecting sad detail, And brings poor snap-crust back again, Without recital of his pain.— * A small flag or colour used on ship-board, for ornament or use.— Since the secession of the American colonies, their characteristic flag is composed of thirteen stripes of various colours, representing the number of the United States. 54 HUMOROUS POEMS. Soon as arriv'd he 'gan t' upbraid The sly rogue tatters, that he'd play'd ] Such a vile trick, and got him flay'd ! Said, * Tatters, you have never been ' To Gotham, nor the may'r have seen ;' Tatters declar'd he had done both, And back'd th' assertion with an oath ! " You said, you d— mn'd, (but 'twas not true.) Ce The beadle, and the mayor too ! "And d— mn'd his worship for a flat!" ' Yes, yes, my friend, I did all that' — u And d— mn'd his worship to his face !" c I'd see him d— mn'd first — no, thou ass ! ' I d— mn'd his worship, sure enough, c But that was at a distance off, ' 'Twas when I rested on a stile ' Without the town, about a mile ! ' I always d— mn such cattle where 6 1 know the humbugs cannot hear." # * A humorous gentleman, when mayor of a certain corporate 1 town, being averse to the severity of flogging, hit upon the following more lenient experiment to prevent begging there. He gave strict \ injunctions to the beadle, to take every man he found begging, to a barber,' and, at the expense of the corporation, to have him shaved, and his hair or wig frizzed, dressed and powdered to the very tippy of the ton ! he was then dismissed, with a caution not to dis- compose his head-dress whilst in the town, on pain of being severely flogged ! This prohibition from scratching the head, afford- ing the hands more leisure to rub the back, which his troublesome I associates were continually annoying, drew forth the observation from a wag, that 'the gentleman's bosom friends had become his THE BEGGARS. 55 backbiters. 9 — This was really the origin of the now common and sarcastic observation. The new ornament made so ridiculous a con- trast between the head and the garment, that the semi-beaux gene- rally quitted the town immediately — And the ladies of the mendicant society, who frequented the neighbourhood, many of whom were strapping young wenches, suspecting that the ingenious magistrate might devise some equally or perhaps more ridiculous operation for them, very prudently kept out of the way. And thus, by the examples of the male, and the apprehensions of the female beggars, the inhabitants of the town were relieved from the whining impor- tunity of these troublesome impostors. The beggars litany runs thus : " From Hell, Hull, and Halifax — Good Lord deliver us !" The betrayed hero of our tale has added another supplicatory article, and repeats it with great energy, as follows: *' From Hell, Hull, and Halifax — From mayors, beadles, pretended " friends, and from all uncharitableness— Good Lord deliver us !" 56 HUMOROUS POEMS. DAME HOBDAY. Dame Hobday, and her grandson, and a whale, And Noah's flood, and many other things ! — a tale. Dame Hobday had a darling grandson, Jan, The hopeful issue of her daater Nan ; Jan was so mortal cute, that when astride A broomstick, he could whistle and could ride ! Could play at marbles too — surprising thing ! And even draw a pantile with a string ! ! Jan, nor his granny, ever yet had been To Dover, nor the sea or ships had seen ; So Jan must have a holiday, and go, With granny, down, to see the wond'rous show. Jan was bedizen'd with a bran new coat Of shepherd's velvet, # for the purpose bought, And waistcoat red as blood, and breechest lother,f And was to be ' a man before his mother /§ * Jocularly so called — It is a coarse and very thick sort of cloth, well known by the name of fear-nothing, or fear-nought. t I have retained the word breeches, as they are known by no other name amongst country folk. The change from vulgarity to refinement, in cities and towns, has introduced other appellations ; there they are generally called small clothes ; but some ladies of high rank and extreme delicacy call them inexpressibles. % Commonly so pronounced by the lower class of country people. § An expression sometimes signifying approbation of a child's conduct, but more frequently used as an incitement to its good be- haviour. If this expression be not founded on the probability of DAME HOBDAY. 57 Nan comb'd his carrots out, and washt his face, Where the whole moral* of his dad she'd trace, And with a mortf of halfpence she enriches The pockets of his new-made breeches; Gives him her blessing, and with hearty busses, Bids him u be sure and no gu nigh de hosses, " Nor yit de sea;" her care so much abounded, She fear'd he'd fall into it and " be drownded !" These proper cautions given, off they march, Th' indulgent dame and Jan, as stiff as starch*, And as they travel on the pleasant w 7 ay, Jan, curious, ever and anon would say, " Granny, what's that?" just as the thought migh strike, " Who made the sea, and what the sea was like I" Now Janny's mother, granny's only dater, Had told him, that the sea was full of water, But did not tell who made it, nor did say What it was like, before they went away ; sexual changes, it is nonsense.— Whether such mutations realty pen, I cannot, on ray own knowledge, affirm. I have in my time met with things which were flat contradictions to the hypothesis ; but, as Mynheer Van Dondermans says, that ' nothing is impossible/ &c. and as I have somewhere read, " Quod mulier nihil aliud e3t quam homo introversus," I will not hazard a contradiction, but leave the mysterious business for the learned in combustibles to speculate upon. * Moral — I apprehend, for model— frequently u«ed by counti folks. t A great number. 58 HUMOKOUS POEMS. So granny undertook the task you'll see, And made it out as clear as a, b, c — " Duddent yow see dat pon dun roun wood mud, 4i In de farm yard ?" Jan answer'd — ' Yes, he dud/ " Why den dat's like de sea, (a mortal place to dig,) u Oney dey say de sea's ten thousand times as big !" As yet uninterruptedly they wait And pass the time away in such like talk, Till on the other side a turning, (Jan's ears had given timely warning) A man on horseback, drunk with gin and flip, Bawling out — Yoix — and cracking of his whip, Came driving on, and spurr'd his horse and hit him, And rode, confound him, like the devil split him, Turning the road as short as e'er he cou'd, Where Jan and gran close up for safety stood, The startish beast took fright, and flop The mad-brain'd rider tumbled, neck and crop ! Yet as he'd luckily receiv'd no hurt, Only a little bruise or two, and dirt, He scrambled up, but feeling soon the smart, He d — mn'd the horse's soul, and # d — mn'd his heart, And when he'd mounted, looking round at John, D — mn'd his great pumkin head, and gallop'd on ! Whilst harum-scarum's getting out of sight, And Jan and gran recov'ring from their fright, That no hiatus may be left, of course I'll make a handsome come off, for the horse'; DAME HOBDAY. 59 And therefore, gentle reader, you must know, That Jan's tight hat, had bound his sweating brow. So that both hands were necessary now, To drag it off, to make a sprawling bow ; And this (for no one doubts the thing) must tend, To set his glowing head of hair an end ! Which seem'd to blaze upon his pallid face, Like a gilt frame around a sculptur'd vase ! Nothing, they say, will make a horse retire So quickly as th' instinctive dread of fire ; Should this be granted, then 'tis surely right To plead excuses for his sudden fright ; For if Imagination, fearful, can Deceive, as some time since it did, a man, And made him cry out, when he struck a post In a dark night — O Lord, a ghost ! a ghost ! And an old woman full of gin and evil, ' O, my good God !' when she fell o'er the devil! Or pencil'd tints delude in various shapes, And make a sparrow peck at painted grapes ! How can we wonder at it or admire, That the scar'd horse should think his head on fire ! Now Fortune's wheel had moved half a turn, By which, those who attentive are may learn, That most disasters have a healing balm, And when a storm is over comes a calm ; Or, if the simile we would extend, c When things are at the worst, of course they'll mend' — F 2 60 HUMOROUS POEMS. 'Twas just so now, for soon Jan's beating heart Grew still, at coming of a neighbour's cart ; The civil owner kindly took them down, To a good public-house in Dover town, And gave them bread and cheese and good strong beer, And likewise gave directions to the Pier.- — Here ev'ry thing was matter of surprise ; Above a cot, how 7 much the houses rise ! Above the houses too, how much the spire ! It was so high, it could not be no higher! And now the cliffs the travellers dismay, So they kept close on t'other side the way, For they were apprehensive that it must, Fall down and knock the houses into dust ! And now approaching slowly to the Pier, They see the crowded ships' tall masts appear ; So little of these things they understood, That they determin'd it to be a wood ; The colour'd vanes for weather-cocks they took, Each climbing sailor-boy, a crow, or rook ; But when the shipment boist'rous noise Jan heard, He cried, c< Dant gu no furder — I'm afeard" — ' No more we waunt den, lovey,' says the dame ; So turn'd about, and back again they came, But not the self-same road by which they went, But tookhe way that borders on the Pent. # * A large bason, or sort of inner harbour, called the Pent, because DAME HOBDAY. 61 Now the spring tide, by Neptune's firm control, Had serv'd out bumpers from his mighty bowl, To all his friends by land, and made The rivers drink " Success to Albion's trade ;" Nor was there one neglected, for he'd sent (Among the rest) a bumper to the Pent ! Here open'd then a wondrous scene my friends, Which made the good old grand dame full amends ; For when she saw the water spreading wide, c Dere, dats de sea ! — I'm sure it is !' she cry'd, And there she stood and star'd, and made a halt, As firm as Lot's wife did, when turn'd to salt ! Dame Hobday never in her life could read, So took, of course, tradition for her creed ; She'd heard of Jonah's whale, and Balaam's ass, And things which formerly had come to pass ; And Noah's dreadful flood had heard of too, But said " she hop'd in God it was not true V 9 Yet still her mind impressions took like dough, And any thing believ'd, if told 'twas so ! Now eager looking on th' expanded tide, At a small distance on the flood she spy'd, A large proportion of a vessel's hull, Dismasted, and with mud and water full, Where by her side was fastened a boat, Which with the buoyant tide was kept afloat. at high tide the water is penned in by large flood-gates, for the pur- pose of being let loose at low water to cleanse the outer harbour. F 3 62 HUMOROUS POEMS. Soon came along the margin of the Pent, ('Twas just as though the fates on purpose sent The man of all men else) — strange to relate ! That he no other was than Mr. Mate ! # Who tells a story with as good a grace, ^ And hums as highly with a serious face, > As any one whatever in the place. j a An please your honour, may I be so bold, " To ask (says dame) your worship, for we've prowl'd " All de way down from home to see de sea, " To tell us what dat dere great thing may be ?" Seeming attentively to hear her tale, ' That thing/ says he, € good woman, is a whale. 9 — " Yow dant say so indeed ! den what's dat tother ?" * Why that's a young whale, playing with its mother/ Stock still she stood — at length the refluent tide Had partly left the bulky vessel's side, When through a leaky part, the wat'ry store Full in the fasten'd boat began to pour ; Not the least doubt could dwell upon her mind, If she before to doubt had been inclin'd. — M De laud ! oh gemany V she cry'd, with wonder struck " How natharal the old one gives the young one suck !" * Mr. Mate was then patentee of the theatre royal at Margate. — He is an excellent comedian, and, with or without his ingenious, but innocent amplifications, is a most admirable companion. DAME HOBDAY. 63 And now these leading circumstances brought To her considering mind the puzzling thought, That should the eager sucking whalekin cry For t'other bottle, when't had drawn that dry, How its mamma could (since no arms she spied), Turn the babe over to the other side ! And w T ould have staid to view the wondrous sight, But that she wisely thought of coming night, And the long shadows of declining day Reminded her 'twas time to go away ; So home she went with Jan, and told her tale, How she had " seen de sea ! and seen a whale ! !" Yet though she'd neither seen, as it befel, She thought she had, and that was quite as well. 64 HUMOROUS POEMS. THE BARTERING JEW AND THE LACE MERCHANT. A TALE. A knowing one of the foreshort'ned race, Who had two strings unto his bow, That is, two trades ye all must know, Resided in a certain place. The one (though strange) was yet a lawful trade ! He vaunting told the world it was deceit ! Not the deceit so much in vogue With ev'ry Jew or Christian rogue, The common, luring, gudgeon bait, In bart'ring, barg'ning, selling, buying, Short weights, or measures, swearing, lying,* By which they get their daily bread : No, 'twas deception of a fairer nature, Et qui vult decipi decipiatur ; 'Twas sleight of hand, whose feat no stigma leaves, But's most applauded when it most deceives ! * Some persons (they say) are apt to tell lies whilst they are busyl in talking; Obadiah Broadbrim said to one of his fraternity — «« What pity, neighbour, that lying is a sin — it is so handy in business!" THE BARTERING JEW. 65 His other trade was chiefly in the sales Of jewels, battens, watches, rings, And many other little nick-nack things For ladies, or for fribbling lady-males ! Coach-harness buckles* for long quartered shoes, Lockets for lovers' hair so closely twin'd, Sweet emblem of their dove-like souls combin'd, And seals with mottos for enamoured beaux. But, understand he never laid the bait, In this last branch, by bragging of deceit. H e'd barter too at any time or place, For gold, or silver, thread or silken lace — In Portsmouth street, as walking to and fro, This Jew a person met, whom many know, The gentleman I mean (for such the case is) Drives a neat one-horse chaise and deals in laces— " Pray, Mr. W , shall we try to teal, " I vants to puy some very handsome lashe " To ornament de pretty ladish fashe, u Haf you cot some dat's good and sheap to sell?" ' ] have got Mechlenburghs/ replies my friend, * The reader will naturally suppose that coach-harness buckles are mentioned in allusion to the enormous size of the modern shoe- buckle — I believe the simile is adequate to the subject, being only parva componere magnis — a link of a man of war's mooring- chain might have been a better comparison. — N. B. The reader will please to notice that this was written in the year 1791. Editor. 66 HUMOROUS POEMS. ' And to say truth, they're to be sold, ' But then I must have heavy gold ■ For all the Mechlenburghs I vend,— The Hebrew shrugs his shoulders up, and scratches His knowing, deep, and full brusht head, Where many a cunning scheme was bred, Fit reservoir for what he hatches ! Search the twelves tribes you'll never find A Jew who leaves his head behind ! " Py Cot I have no monish in my preeches, " Put I vill parter met you for some vatches" — ' No cockalorum, there we shant agree, ' I have one watch, and that's enough for me!' — Not long time afterwards the Jew had got For sale, a handsome silver coffee-pot, 'Twas chas'd without, and polished within't, And bore the genuine lion of the Mint — • Soon my friend's eye the shining object catches, Says he, l I'll barter for the coffee-pot,' " As shall Cot help me, I've no oder cot! — " Met all my heart, I'll parter for de vatches" — ' But why for watches only ? pray reveal ? ' 'Twill make no difference — since we cannQt deal.' " By Cot Almoitish den de truth I'll own,