\ :> (06^ "^^(^g^S- ^^c3 g^fs- y MARCH'S FAMOUS FUNNY FARCES MARCH BROTHERS, Pu])lishers, LEBANON. OHIO No Peddlers Admitted By Jeannette Joyce Copyright, 1920, by March Brothers CHARACTERS Business Man. Office Girl. Peddler. Scene: Stage arranged as business office. Pretty girl at desk when employer enters with energetic and determined air. He carries a large placard, J^'^q, Peddlers Admitted. ' ' Audience must not see wording. Business Man {speaking briskly) -. Now, my young friend, this office has got to get down to business. Too much time wasted. That's what's the matter with this country. Time wasted is money wasted. {As he talks, ransacks drawers of desk, pidling out and throwing about contents.) Come here and help me find these tacks, won 't you ? Office Girl {rises very dellbrratdy, blots the page of the ledger, closes it and arranges hair at mirror as she crosses room). Business Man {finds tack by running finger into it as he rummages far back . in draiver) -. Ouch! Oh! {Jumps about with finger in mouth.) Office Girl {still rougcing face at mirror) : You found it, did you? Business Man : Found it ! It found me ! Bring me the peroxide and cotton out of the emergency case over there in the room across the hall, and tie up this finger. I can't afford to lose time off on account of blood poison. {She goes in search of remedy. Business man still looking for tacks, and exclaim- ing over finger.) Peddler {enters after brief interval, with grip in- hand) -. Good morning, mj' friend. Good morning, you seem to be suffei'ing — 2 No Pe:ddlers Admittkd ^ \7^r^ Business Man {breaking in fiercely on speech, as peddler opens up grip) : Now look here, I don't want anything you have to sell unless it's something for this confounded finger. I bought a dozen bottles of machine oil yesterday to get rid of a fellow wlio was carry 'en a grip — ^looked just like yours. . Of course, he showed how it would save me by gettin' all the typewriters to do more work in the same time ; but I came down to the office extra early this morning with a sign all ready to tack up. {Looks for sign hut can not find it, covered over with ruhhish thrown out of desk.) Peddler {with very s\iave manner) : Too bad ! Too bad ! But as it happens, I have just the thing that you need here. I make it a practice to carry always just what the people need. {Winks at audience, and opens hottle, carefully placing a few drops on handkerchief.) Now, let me have that finger. Good! {With great care applies, time and again, the ointment, talking in a very engaging manner all the while.) Peddlers in the long run are a nuisance. Yes, they are a great nuisance. They waste a busy man's time. I would not be in the business myself, but a great-great uncle of mine, by name, Oilover, discovered this remedy and handed it down in the family to be sold exclusively by direct descendants. Feels better, does'nt it? I can always tell when it begins to work. Business Man: Yes, it does. And I'm a man who always believes in being prepared to get the most out of every hour in the day. Can't afford to waste time on account of accidents, or run the risk of being laid on the shelf by blood poison. How much is that stuff ? Peddler : Just so. Just so. You 're a sensible man, I perceive. This wonder- ful remedy, my friend, sells at $1.00 per bottle, plus war tax ; if you will take ten bottles, including this one opened, they are yours for $12.00. Business Man: Well, let me have them; I started out this morning to save time, and if equipping this place as an emergency hospital is what's necessary, I'll do it. {Laying out mo^iey, and suddenly looking about office.) By the way, what's become of that girl, I wonder. Peddler {hurriedly counting out nine bottles and taking money) : Well, good day. {Rushes o^it as office girl enters.) Business Man: Well, you'd be a swift ■one to send for a doctor if a man was dying, I must say. Office Girl: Send for a doctor! Why, you got your peroxide, didn't you? . I gave it to your friend as I met him in the hall coming in. I thought he was a peddler and I warned him about the sign — told him it would have been up but for your accident. He said he was a friend of yours — an old school- mate — and he would take the peroxide in and fix you just right, so I let him, because I wanted to hurry down and get that book you told me about, "How to Make the Mo»t of Time in an Office. " OCT -1 13.20 ^"•'' '■' ''"''^-^^-^"^ No Peeolers Admitted Business Man (listens with a-stonishme^it and sinks into chair) : Well, he fixed me just right. "What is that stuff in those bottles? Office Girl (picking them up in turn and reading, heginning with the one from which he applied ointment) -. Well, this is your peroxide. This — machine oil, this — machine oil, machine oil, machine oil — Business Man: Stop it! Stop it! (Looking for sign and finding it.) Get me the tacks and hammer, quick! (They find them and together tack up the sign in a conspicuous place.) No Peddlers Admitteed. (Curtain) LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS mull 016 103 629 8 < MARCH'S FAMOUS FUNNY FARCES Five for 25 cents. Not Less than Five Sold. AINT JA>'K VISITS SCHOOL. By Jeannctto Joyce. Any number of males and females. After fifty year.* Aunt Jane spends a moruing in a modern school. Her observations keep the audience in a roar. AUNT JEKLSHA AND UNCLE JOSH. By Kffie Jjouise Koogle. 1 male, 2 females. These eccentric folk visit the school, producing no end of fun. AUNT LUCINDV STAVS. By Willis N. Bugl)ee. 2 males, 2 females. Two darky characters make lots of fun. Clever and clean. "BEAT IT!" By Willis N. Bugbee. 3 males, 1 female. A scolding wife makes trouble for everybody, the parson included. Oceans of fun. BETTY ANI> BETSY. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Betsy was advertised for sale, but he wanted Betty. Bright and pretty. THE BUGTOVVN BAND. By Archibald Humtoldt. 4 males, 1 female. More fun tlian you can Imagine, and a little music which anytwdy can make. THE BUZZVII^LE NEU'S. By Eflie Louise Koogle. 2 males, 1 female. A breezy conversation between the manager and new editor. A sure hit. DOT ENTERTAINS. By Klizabcth F. Gnptill. 1 male, 1 female. Dot entertains her big sister's beau, and the things she tells him are a plenty. A big success. THE (iOOSE FEATHEKBED. By Willis N. Bu«bee. 4 males, 1 female. A dandy little play for Irish and eccentric characters. Easy and amusing. ILJISTE MAKES WASTE. By Harriette Wilbur. 3 males. The young drug clerk hurriedly grabs the wrons l">ltle and learns that haste makes waste. IN A DOCTOR'S OFFICE. By Jeannette Joyce. 4 males, 6 females. A take-ofT on the specialist of toilav Incidentally a number of the follies of humanity are exposed in a laughal)Ie manner. LAIGKITKH AND SONG. By Archibald Humboldt. 3 males, 4 females. Comic dialog interspersed with jL\'S DAY. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 2 females. Full of fun for tin- lUMil.Ti] aiKliiiice. RAf^TUS BLINK'S MINSTRELS. By Effie Louise Koogle. For any number. . His "Kinky Koons" are killing. The .iolliest minstrel show ever. A deluge of drollery. "SCAT!" By lx)uise Rand Baseom. 1 male, 1 female. Cunning attempt of an old maid to prove her youth. Very laughable. SEEIN(; THE ANIMALS. By Clara J, Denton. 1 male, 2 females. A swell hotel clerk, a sutfragette, and a spoiled eliild ni;iUe a lively time. A hit. THE SQUASIIVILLE TIKE BRIGADE, By Willis N. Bugbee. 3 males, 2 females, and other firemen, if (lesii-( il. A lirisl: and snappy little dialog. Easy and clever. TH>: STUPID WITNESS. By Archibald Humboldt. 3 males. The lawyer and witness lock horns and have an awl'nl time. I'Ut it's fun for the audience. Swift and keen. THE TR.AIN LEAVES IN TEN MINUTES. By Louise Rand Baseom. 1 male, 2 females. Will they catch the train? The awful suspense is punctured by fun and wit. THE TRiUN TO MORROW. By Jeannette Joyce. 3 males, 2 females. Confusion in a railway station resiiK i?i'.; in no end of fun for the audience. THE TR.WKLING PHOTOGRAPHER. By Kate Alice White. 3 males. 2 females. He une.tpectediy visits a tanner's familv. All work is stop|ied and they pose for the picture. AN UP-TO-!).\TE I'ROPOSAL. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 2 females. A roaring farce that will keep the aiKiioiice interested every minute. Effective when used with "A Froposal in Grandma's Day," WANTED: A LICENSE TO WED. By Elizabeth F. Guptill. 2 males, 1 female. Humorous situation resulting from a misunderstanding. Irisli dialect. No entertainments sent on approval or e.^changred. MARCH BROTHERS, Publishers, 208-210-212 Wright Ave, Lebanon, O. z. 6 ^3 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS Hollinger Corp. ^14 a. CL