WAR TIME LAUGHS 
 
 Verses by 
 
 DONALD G. ROBERTSON 
 
 I'' 
 
 Entertainer War Camp Community Service 
 War Recreation Board of Illinois 
 
 Illustrated by 
 
 CHARLES S. ARCHER 
 
 Stories by Permission 
 
 DONALD G. ROBERTSON 
 
 Publisher 
 
 618 Sherman Street 
 
 Chicago 
 
/v 
 
 Copyright. 1918 
 
 by 
 
 DONALD G. ROBERTSON 
 
 All rights resfrved 
 
 SEP 18 1918 
 
To 
 H. E. S. 
 
The Authors acknowledge that 
 from a literary and artistic stand- 
 point "War Time Laughs" is 
 decidedly deficient. From a 
 "laugh" point of view, however, 
 we hope that it will appeal to 
 your sense of humor. Whether 
 sailor, soldier or civilian, may 
 you enjoy this compilation. 
 
Aei.Hee_- 
 
 Y. M. C. A. 
 
 Every evening at the "Y" 
 
 Nowhere else we want to go, 
 
 Play the "Vic," then read or write — 
 Listen to the evening show. 
 
 Somehow, blues all fade away. 
 
 Homesick? Sure, but we don't care, 
 
 We can stand a lot of blues. 
 When there's music in the air. 
 
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 5 
 
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 NO MAN^S LAND 
 
 Brady had no use for women, 
 So not tied down with a wife, 
 
 He enHsted — then concluded 
 Army was the ideal life. 
 
 One fine day he got a furlough 
 Went to town the sights to see. 
 
 To the best hotel he jitneyed, 
 Clerk assigned Room 5-4-3. 
 
 With the boys he spent the evening, 
 Sleepy-eyed, long after two, 
 
 Down the darkened hall he stumbled 
 Stopped before Room 5-4-2. 
 
 wiiiniinuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiniiiniHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiii^ 
 
 6 
 
A<?a<«i- 
 
 In this room his door key let him, 
 But he could not find the light, 
 
 Then somehow his intuition 
 Told him — he was not in right. 
 
 As an outpost senses tear gas, 
 Warning of the danger zone, 
 
 Likewise rose and lilac odors 
 Warned him he was not alone. 
 
 Soon his eyes confirmed his danger. 
 Shapely outlines he could see; 
 
 On the chairback just before him, 
 Hung some female lingerie. 
 
 Quick he stole back to the hallway. 
 Knees quaked he could hardly stand 
 
 There he realized his danger, 
 
 He had been in No Mans' Land. 
 
Illllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll^ 
 
 A party of wounded marines were being taken to a 
 hospital on a much overloaded motor truck. The nurse 
 accompanying them became anxious about their wounds. 
 
 "I hope I'm not hurting any of you," she said. 
 
 "You're hurting me a lot," said one of the soldiers. 
 
 "But I'm nowhere near you," the nurse said indig- 
 nantly. 
 
 "That's what's hurting me," was the calm reply. 
 
 The general had passed directly in front of a recruit 
 whose education had not so far progressed that he con- 
 sidered it a breach of military regulations to sit uncon- 
 cernedly on an empty box and puff at a cigarette while 
 an officer passed by. 
 
 "My boy, " the general turned and said, "do you 
 know that you are supposed to stand at attention and 
 salute officers who pass by?" 
 
 The recruit replied that he had not noticed any officers. 
 
 "Well," was the reply, "I am only a general, but some 
 day a second lieutenant is going to come along and give 
 you hell for your lack of attention." 
 
 Bess (to Lieutenant Husband) : 1 read today that 
 every dead soldier costs the government $4,000. So 
 you won't risk yourself needlessly, will you?" 
 
 IIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIillllllllN 
 
 8 
 
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 /IQheC 
 
 THE VETERAN 
 
 An Irishman one day came in 
 
 To a recruiting station 
 "I'd like," said he, "to go to France 
 
 And help defend the nation." 
 
 So soon his name and other facts 
 Were quickly put in writing 
 
 He then was asked to state his past 
 Experience in fighting. 
 
 "I've been in battles hot," he said, 
 'Tis many wounds I've carried, 
 
 I've learned by now the way to fight 
 For three times I've been married.' 
 
 'iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin 
 
 9 
 
IIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIH^ 
 
 MY YOUNG BROTHER 
 
 For years I bossed that kid around, 
 
 He did as he was bid, 
 But at the O. T. C. they made 
 
 A Captain of that kid. 
 
 The draft then sent me off to camp 
 
 And to the company 
 Where my young brother was in charge. 
 
 Well — now he bosses me. 
 
 AeviKe^-. 
 
 10 
 
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 Some soldiers back of the trenches were being shown 
 behind the lines a machine for sterilizing clothing and, 
 of course, eliminating "pests". One of the party was 
 obviously quite unimpressed, and afterward an assistant 
 at the sanitary station asked him whether he did not 
 think the machine a fine one. 
 
 "Well enough, perhaps," said he, "but I've got a 
 dodge of my own that is better. 1 wear my shirt two 
 days one way, then they are all inside; then I turn the 
 shirt inside out and wear it that way. By the time they've 
 got inside I turn it back again, and so 1 go on and on and 
 at last the marching and counter marching breaks the 
 little devils' hearts and they die." 
 
 Lieut. Jones: You look sweet enough to eat. 
 Pretty Girl: I do eat. Where shall we go? 
 
 After two months at camp, Private Nelson got his 
 leave at last and made what he conceived the best use 
 of his furlough by getting married. On the journey back 
 at the station he gave the gateman his marriage certificate 
 in mistake for his return railroad ticket. The official 
 studied it carefully, then said: "Yes, my boy, you've 
 got a ticket for a long wearisome journey, but not on 
 this road." 
 
 llllllllllllltlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII^ 
 
 11 
 
Illllllllllllll!lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!lllllllllllllllllllll!lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!lllinillllllllllllllllllllll!llllll!lllllllllll!llllllll^^ 
 
 WE'RE PARTNERS NOW 
 
 We're partners now, we're going to stick, 
 
 Yes, me and Red McLain, 
 The other night was when we met 
 
 Around a poker game. 
 
 Now Red had lost his well earned dough 
 While shootin' low down craps, 
 
 And my pay went the same damn way. 
 The hour 'tween mess and taps. 
 
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 12 
 
Illlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll 
 
 For Red had borrowed fifty cents, 
 
 I had but ten cents more, 
 We pooled our wad and drew a hand, 
 
 One Queen — Hell! Give us four. 
 
 But luck came with us at the start, 
 
 And Red's hand shook a lot, 
 They called our bluff — but then — oh boy! 
 
 Our three Queens took the pot. 
 
 Well, Red and I are bankers now, 
 
 We play our game this way. 
 He draws the cards— then plays my hunch. 
 
 We carry home their pay. 
 
 Each day we stick together in 
 
 The trenches just the same, 
 We're partners in the fightin' now 
 
 We're going to beat the game. 
 
 A young man offered a lady his seat. Imagine his 
 surprise when she drew herself up haughtily and ex- 
 claimed, "I don't accept favors from slackers." 
 
 But he was not taken aback. Instead he regarded the 
 lady critically and then replied: 
 
 "Madam, I fought in the battle of Vimy Ridge, and 
 if we had had as much powder there as you have on 
 your face, the result would have been different." 
 
 13 
 
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin^ 
 
 After a recent pay day at Washington a government 
 clerk was wandering aimlessly down Pennsylvania Ave- 
 nue, hugging his pay envelope, when he was held up by 
 two footpads. 
 
 He held up his hands, but began to plead: "Don't take 
 my money. Blow out my brains if you must, but please 
 don't take my money. It doesn't take any brains to 
 live in Washington, but it does take a lot of^ cash." 
 
 After-dinner Speaker: Gentlemen, 1 have come pre- 
 pared tonight to speak on the war. 
 
 Guest: It's all right, old man. We've come prepared 
 to listen to you. 
 
 "The surgeon of the regiment was both professional 
 and military in the order he gave when he wanted to 
 vaccinate them." 
 
 "What was his order?" 
 
 "Present arms." 
 
 "No, the fear of falling never enters my head," said 
 the aviator to his gapping hearers. "What scares me is 
 the danger of stalling my engine about two miles up and 
 not being able to get down." 
 
 iiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii{iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiM 
 
 14 
 
Ae<:HBe_^ 
 
 INGENUITY 
 
 Peggy knit a woolen sweater, 
 
 She would send it off to Paul, 
 But alas, when it was finished. 
 
 It was much too small; 
 So a stitch or two she added. 
 
 Then her friends said "Oh hovv cute" 
 Now that sweater she is wearing 
 
 As her bathing suit. 
 
 IIIIIIIIKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN 
 
 15 
 
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 d^^^- 
 
 
 
 *'WAR GARDEN*' IS RIGHT! 
 
 With patriotic plans for weeks 
 I worked with spade and hoe, 
 
 'Till seeds were soaked and planted, and 
 The things began to grow. 
 
 One day the wife said, "Pull the weeds," 
 
 So in that sweaty lot, 
 1 hoed and worked on hands and knees. 
 
 That day was surely hot. 
 
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 16 
 
Then wife came out to view the growth 
 
 Of all our planted seeds, 
 "You nut," she cried, "you've pulled the plants 
 
 And only left the weeds." 
 
 Our war time garden was well named, 
 
 It broke our married life. 
 It only grew the cause to start 
 
 A good fight with my wife. 
 
 An officer who was rather unpopular with his men, 
 coming to camp one evening was almost drowned in a 
 river swollen by heavy rains. He was rescued by a pri- 
 vate in his own regiment. The officer in order to show 
 his gratitude, asked his preserver how he could reward 
 him. "The best way, sir," said the soldier, is to say 
 nothing about it." "But why?" asked the astonished 
 officer. "Because, sir," was the reply, "if the other fel- 
 lows knew I pulled you out, they'd chuck me in." 
 
 The Congressman was in camp and was being con- 
 ducted through the barracks. "Well, my lad, do you 
 know meP ' he inquired of one of the soldiers. "No, sir," 
 was the astonishing response, "but I know one of your 
 servant girls." 
 
 iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiy 
 
 17 
 
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 HIS FIRST RESPONSIBILITY 
 
 Ambition was the middle name 
 
 Of Isador B. Stein, 
 A leader he would try to be, 
 
 Authority seemed fine. 
 
 Upon enlistment he described 
 
 His military knowledge 
 He'd marched last Labor Day with men 
 
 From Dandruff's Barber College. 
 
 Then twice a week for two whole weeks 
 With home guards he had drilled 
 
 With such a record they, no doubt, 
 Were much impressed and thrilled. 
 
 IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMIIIIIIIIIIIinillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllMI^ 
 
 18 
 
He volunteered for sergeant, but 
 All leaders of his stamp, 
 
 He knew would be compelled to go 
 To. the officers' training, camp. 
 
 Then somehow a mistake was made, 
 
 A private he must be. 
 For right away he was assigned 
 
 To serve as a K. P. 
 
 But jobs of trust came right away. 
 The corporal, one night, 
 
 Gave him an envelope — unsealed 
 To hand to Captain White. 
 
 19 
 
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII 
 
 The makeup of the regiment 
 
 Where Captain White would be 
 
 He found composed of colored men 
 As dusky as could be. 
 
 The military envelope 
 
 Which spurred him on his way 
 Bore no official mark except 
 
 The mark, *'Y. M. C A." 
 
 Now Captain White had just gone out, 
 Would some one do instead? 
 
 Lieutenant Jones who read the note 
 Just winked his eye and said: 
 
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 20 
 
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 That General Facts and Colonel Nutt 
 
 And likewise Major Sports 
 Should read the note, as it contained 
 
 The evening "Gun Reports." 
 
 At last, some "Lieut" returned him to 
 
 His officer of the day. 
 Who bawled him out, then made him read, 
 
 The note; it went this way: 
 
 "Have Private Stein bring back at nine 
 Our Doughboy's sleeping caps, 
 
 A bucketful of reveille 
 
 And half a pint of taps." 
 
 21 
 
SOUNDS TOO GERMAN 
 
 You know I'm patriotic dear, 
 
 I'm Yankee thru and thru, 
 I love to hear you call me "Sweet" 
 
 I care a lot for you. 
 But one name I can never stand. 
 
 Until this war is won. 
 This chummy term is censored, dear 
 
 Don't ever call me "Hon." 
 
 Aan&eL* 
 
 miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiu 
 
 22 
 
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 He had been promoted to captain's rank and decided 
 to celebrate the occasion. He entered a swagger res- 
 taurant and "did himself" handsomely. The waiter 
 fussed around, smiling and obsequious and expectant. 
 He brought back the change after paying the bill and was 
 very wroth when the officer pocketed the lot. But there 
 was still time, and bowing and smiling he assisted the 
 khaki man into his coat and handed him his hat. Noth- 
 ing happened, so the waiter ventured meaningly: 
 "Haven't you forgotten something, sir?" 
 The officer started. "By Jove! " he said, "I have!" 
 He turned and picked up a dollar bill from beneath 
 his plate and put it back in his pocket. 
 
 "Well, have you got down to a war basis yet?" 
 "Yes. I've given up my business, lost twenty pounds, 
 
 spent all my spare cash in taxes, sent my boys to the 
 
 front, and was never happier in my life." 
 
 The lady danced three times with the good looking 
 first lieutenant and then said: "Pardon me, sir, but your 
 face is strangely familiar. Haven't 1 seen you somewhere 
 before?" 
 
 "Yes, madam, you have, " responded the officer, "I 
 was your milkman for more than three years." 
 
 NiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiH 
 
 23 
 
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 DATES— THEN AND NOW 
 
 Then "Happy" always wore a smile 
 No cares had passed his way, 
 
 His many evening dates all made 
 His daily work seemed play. 
 
 With Polly movies, Jane a stroll, 
 And Grace a dance or show. 
 
 All life was gay and happy then 
 With everywhere to go. 
 
 """""'"""""""i"iii'i"ii iNiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiii mill II iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitii^ 
 
 24 
 
Now "Happy" gets a big return, 
 Those girls remember him 
 
 With candy, socks and letters fat 
 When e'er the mail comes in. 
 
 His life is yet without its cares. 
 His smiles will never fail. 
 The secret — yes — he still keeps up 
 His evening dates by mail. 
 
 Private Smith, after serving three weeks, had fallen 
 beneath the avenging eye of the commanding officer for 
 some petty offense. Thereupon he sent the following 
 touching letter to his mother: 
 
 "Dear mother: I am now a defaulter." 
 
 His grief was too great to write more, so he got a 
 comrade to mail it for him and sat down to do his pun- 
 ishment in silence. Five days later he got this: 
 
 "My Dear Son: I am so glad to hear of your promo- 
 tion. Be sure to be kind to the men under you and never 
 forget that you were a private once yourself." 
 
 Willis: How do you like army life? Quite a number 
 of new turns for a fellow to get used to, 1 s.uppose. 
 
 Gillis: You bet. At night you turn in, and just as 
 you are about to turn over somebody turns up and says: 
 "Turn out." 
 
 iiiiiiiiiiimimiii tiniiiiiiin mi ii ii iii i ii tii mi m ii mii iii miiiimiiiiiimiiiiiimiiiiimiiii mil i mm imim miiiimii 
 
 25 
 
Illlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllh^ 
 
 /leoce— » 
 
 CONVINCING EVIDENCE 
 
 "How is your boy getting along at the camp?" 
 "Wonderful! I feel a sense of great security. An 
 army that can make my son get up early, work hard all 
 day and go to bed early can do most anything." 
 
 iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii^ 
 
 26 
 
In a Pennsylvania town the Mayor has forbidden the 
 village belles to kiss the soldiers who pass through the 
 town enroute to France. He acted on complaint of the 
 Red Cross, which claimed that the kissing interfered with 
 the task of feeding the soldiers. Who wants to eat, any- 
 how? 
 
 -K -K -K 
 
 Sweeney was a new recruit. He was also a Knight of 
 Columbus. The second day at camp was spent in hours 
 of tiresome drill. Toward evening the Top Sergeant 
 called out: "All K. P.'s step forward!" Twelve men ad- 
 vanced and when the others were dismissed, followed the 
 officer toward the mess halls. Sweeney was tired and 
 hungry and his blood boiled at the thought of the favor- 
 itism about to be shown to the dozen Knights of Pythias. 
 He followed the men, cursing under his breath, until on 
 reaching the mess hall he heard the gruff "top" exclaim, 
 "Now you kitchen police, get busy." Sweeney made a 
 hasty withdrawal. 
 
 -K -K ^ 
 
 "How does your son like army life?" 
 "Not very well — the nearest he has come to fighting 
 the Germans so far has been peeling potatoes." 
 
 "So you don't write to Jack any more?" 
 "No — when I visited him at camp last week he was 
 using the wristlets I knitted him to clean his rifle." 
 
 27 
 
iiiiiiiiiiimiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiniiiiiniiimiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiNiiiiiiiiMiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin^ 
 
 IT'S IN EACH NAVY BEAN 
 
 Of brains and brawn created by 
 
 This war on land and sea, 
 The vigor of the jackies seems 
 
 Most wonderful to me. 
 
 They guide the transports safe across, 
 They sink the submarines, 
 
 The secret yes — their energy 
 Comes from their navy beans. 
 
 iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiN 
 
 ^ 28 
 
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiih 
 
 It was Christmas Eve in camp and very cold. There 
 was a certain amount of confusion owing to the Christ- 
 mas festivities, with leave, and so forth, and one man was 
 unable to find any of his outer garments. He wandered 
 about asking all his mates if they knew where they were. 
 
 "Has any one seen my b-b-blanket?" he demanded, 
 but no one had. 
 
 "Has any one seen my t-t-trousers?" No answer. 
 
 "Well, I'm d — n glad I got a nice w-w-warm belt, any- 
 how." 
 
 He had captured a prisoner, and while they waited for 
 the escort to come up, he said: 
 
 "Have you a wife?" 
 
 "Nein", answered the German. 
 
 "Nine!" gasped the Tommy. "Where's your Iron 
 Cross? " 
 
 "What do you think of the army as far as you have 
 gone?" inquired a sergeant of a newly arrived recruit at 
 camp. 
 
 "I may like it after a while, but just now I think there 
 is too much drilling and fussing around between meals," 
 was the reply. 
 
 HMtiMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim 
 
 29 
 
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 He: (Just returned from the trenches) "I love the smell 
 of powder." 
 
 She: "Oh do you? How do you like the lilac that 
 I use?" 
 
 Captain O'Brien on the march with his company in 
 France was tired out. 
 
 "How far is it to L — ?" he asked a French peasant, 
 as he swung past. 
 
 "Ten Kilometers," came the reply. 
 
 They marched for another hour or so, then he asked 
 another peasant. Again came the reply, "Ten Kilo- 
 meters." 
 
 A half hour later he asked again. 
 
 "About Ten Kilometers," was the answer. 
 
 "Well," he said, "thank heaven we're keeping up with 
 that damned place!" 
 
 A mother who had three sons in service, being unable 
 to read, would take their letters to a neighbor who would 
 read them to her. One day she called upon the friend 
 to help as before. 
 
 "Dear Mother," ran the letter, "Address as before. 
 1 — I — " then the neighbor stopped as the writing was 
 bad. Whereupon the old mother exclaimed, 
 
 "Yes, that's from Johnny — he always stuttered." 
 
 iiiiiiiiiiHiiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiNiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiuiiiuiiiiiin 
 
 30 
 
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM 
 
 NEATLY EXPOSED 
 
 Said the captain to the lady while, 
 
 He danced with silver spurs 
 "Why do you wear your skirts so high 
 
 And yet wear heavy furs?" 
 
 "Your spurs," said she with modest smile, 
 
 "Give us our alibi. 
 Our dancing gowns we must protect, 
 
 And so we wear them high." 
 
 (Now we know why officers wear spurs) 
 
 31 
 
tllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllH 
 
 ^CiKje^ 
 
 MY BIRTHDAY BOX 
 
 My birthday box just came to-day, 
 With smokes and things to eat, 
 
 Then all the fellows gathered 'round, 
 And we sure had a treat. 
 
 NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIinillllllM 
 
 32 
 
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII^ 
 
 I pulled out sweaters, wristlets, socks. 
 All made of warmest wool. 
 
 Believe me, boy, the folks were good. 
 That box was brimming full. 
 
 Then all the fellows had a laugh, 
 
 And this is past belief, 
 For out came silk suspenders and 
 
 A can of army beef. 
 
 But all the smokes and things to wear, 
 
 With other stuff to eat 
 Made that one joyous, happy day. 
 
 My birthday was complete. 
 
 One man in a western city will probably go through 
 life bewailing the injustice of the draft board that certified 
 him for service, despite the fact that he presented a let- 
 ter written by his wife to. prove that he had a dependent 
 family. Here is the letter: 
 
 "Dear U. S. Army: My husband ast me to write a 
 recommend that he supports his family. He cannot read, 
 so don't tell him. Jus take him. He aint done nothin 
 but play a fiddle and drink lemen essence since I married 
 him eight years ago and I got to feed seven of his kids. 
 Maybe you can get him to carry a gun. He's good on 
 squirrels and eatin. Take him and welcum. I need the 
 grub and his bed for the kids. Don't tell him this but 
 take him." 
 
 iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii^ 
 
 33 
 
niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinHiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiH 
 
 NOT QUITE THE SAME 
 
 "I see the British have taken Peronne. " 
 "Is that so? Does that stuff act the same as castor 
 oil?" 
 
 Mrs. A: My boy has just joined the army. 
 Mrs. B: Then I suppose he's met my nephew — he's 
 in the army, too. 
 
 34 
 
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINIIIIIIIINIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINIIIIIIIIIIIINIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII^ 
 
 The prize patriot has been discovered. A U. S. marine 
 recruiting officer encountered him. 
 
 "Don't you want to enlist?" he asked. 
 
 "No, I guess not." 
 
 "Why?" 
 
 "Well, it certainly isn't because I'm not patriotic. Why, 
 if it wasn't for the war, I'd have been in service long 
 ago." 
 
 A private in an Irish regiment and a life guardsman 
 were "blowing" about the standard of height in their 
 respective regiments. 
 
 "Why," said the life guardsman, "one of our fellows is 
 so tall that he can light his pipe at a lamp post. 
 
 "Be Jabers!" retorted Pat. "Flanigan of Company D 
 is so tall the beggar has to get down on his knees when 
 he wants to put his hands in his trousers pockets." 
 
 Draft Expert Dennis of the local board received a 
 protest the other day from a mother whose boy is now 
 in France. 
 
 "Ain't it just like them French gals to be runnin* after 
 our boys! Me son writes that life in the trenches would- 
 n't be so bad if the 'cooties' didn't pester thim so ter- 
 ribly." 
 
 iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiH 
 
 35 
 
AecHee.> 
 
 DREAM HARMONY 
 
 Before the war Pierre Gascogne 
 Worked in the big hotel, 
 
 As first assistant to the chef, 
 Ah, — you remember well. 
 
 The draft sent young Pierre to camp, 
 They soon found out somehow. 
 
 That he was aptly qualified 
 To fix up all the chow. 
 
 iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!iiiniiiiiiiiiiii^ 
 
 36 
 
iNiiiiiiiiiiitiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiM^ iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim 
 
 In modern culinary arts 
 
 Pierre was par excel, 
 And mess seemed like a dinner at 
 
 A very best hotel. 
 
 Each Sunday brought out dinner guests, 
 
 A countless multitude 
 Of fathers, mothers, wives and girls, 
 
 Who loudly praised the food 
 
 One day a sister asked if she 
 
 Could watch the cook prepare 
 The tasty grub that was so good — 
 
 Well then she met Pierre. 
 
 In all his future dreams, Pierre 
 
 Could never quite conceive 
 Of any girl so nice — well soon 
 
 With her he spent each leave. 
 
 All week her music took her hours; 
 
 Week ends to him she'd sing, 
 And then for days the echoes sweet 
 
 Would make his heart chords ring. 
 
 Well, now they plan for happy days. 
 
 Their future dream reveals 
 That music lessons she will teach 
 
 While he will cook the meals. 
 
 '''''''''''"'''''''''ii'iiii'iiii'iiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiMiiiiin 
 
 37 
 
A returned soldier was relating some of his hair rais- 
 ing experiences at the front. "One day," said he, "about 
 2,000 of our men were grouped together, when a wily 
 German officer suddenly appeared from behind a clump 
 of trees and took the bunch of us." "What," said one 
 of his listeners, "2,000 of you and only one German 
 officer. What the — ." "Oh, you see," said the returned 
 soldier, "he took us with a camera — then we took him." 
 
 Harold: "This war is certainly keeping people guess- 
 ing. I see they're wondering now when Greece will 
 come in." 
 
 Mrs. Harold: "Yes and it's just the same with bacon. 
 I've been down to the provision man every day this week, 
 and he keeps saying it'll come in any minute." 
 
 "Sergeant Sandy McClintock says he loves to smoke, 
 but he never enjoys a pipeful of tobacco." 
 
 "How do you account for that>" 
 
 "Well, when he smokes his own tobacco he worries 
 about the cost and when he smokes some friend's tobacco 
 he packs the bowl so full that it don't drav/ well." 
 
 Ensign in Navy: "I'm so glad, dear, that you gave up 
 Lieutenant Owen for me. Tell me, dearest, why do you 
 prefer meV 
 
 She: "Oh I got so sick of khaki and I always did like 
 navy blue as a color." 
 
 iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin 
 
 38 
 
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii^ 
 
 CENSORED! 
 
 The world is all against me Jim, 
 
 'Tis surely playing h — 1, 
 I cannot write love letters now 
 
 To my girl^ — Rosabelle. 
 Lieutenant Smith reads all the mail 
 
 Yes, d — n that blot dispensor, 
 He also writes to Rosabelle 
 
 My mail don't pass his censor. 
 
 ^?c^«e_ 
 
 39 
 
 llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll 
 
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiMiiiiiiiiiiiiii 
 
 DOING HER BIT 
 
 When Sergeant Jones was called to arms, 
 
 His darling little wife 
 Decided that to Red Cross work 
 
 She'd consecrate her life. 
 
 So every day down at the rooms 
 The Red Cross things she'd knit, 
 
 While Sergeant Jones — some miles away. 
 Would drill and do his bit. 
 
 niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii^ 
 
 40 
 
One day the Stork passed Jones' home 
 
 And left a little lad, 
 Then Brown, M. D., the family Doc, 
 
 Phoned right away for Dad. 
 
 Now Sergeant Jones got leave at once. 
 
 In one hour he was home, 
 But there he found the tiny babe 
 
 A' sitting all alone. 
 
 "Where's Mother?" cries the happy dad, 
 
 The little kid replies, 
 "Back to the Red Cross she has rushed 
 
 To knit for the Allies." 
 
 "I suppose your soldier son has had some nerve racking 
 experiences?" 
 
 "I should say so!" 
 
 "Is he in the trenches?" 
 
 "No, but his description of answering reveille on a cold 
 morning is just as nerve racking as any accounts I have 
 read of going over the top." 
 
 Bill: Joe is getting conceited as the devil. 
 
 Bob: How so? 
 
 Bill: He refuses to shoot any but German officers. 
 
 niiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin 
 
 41 
 
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii^ 
 
 FRANCO-AMERICAN 
 
 A French soldier who came proudly up to an Ameri- 
 can in a certain headquarters town the other day asked: 
 
 "You spik French?" 
 
 "Nope," answered the American, "not yet." 
 
 The Frenchman smiled complacently. "Aye spik 
 
 Engleesh," he said, looking about for some means to 
 show his prowess in the foreign tongue. At that moment 
 a French girl, very neat and trim, came along. The 
 Frenchman jerked his head toward her, looked knowingly 
 at the American and said triumphantly: "Chicken!" 
 
 "Shake!" said the Yankee, extending his hand. "You 
 don't speak English; you speak American." 
 
 iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii 
 
 42 
 
Illlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll^ 
 
 Two soldiers — an Irishman and an Englishman — hav- 
 ing met in Flanders — began to talk of the hairbreadth 
 escapes they had in battle. 
 
 "Well," said the Englishman, "one day in the height 
 of an engagement a shell took the hair off my head. Now 
 what do you think of that for a haircut?" 
 
 "Sure," said Pat, "when I was in a battle a bullet from 
 one of them maxims whizzed by me and took every hair 
 off my face. What do you think of that for a close 
 shave." 
 
 . ^^'^ * * * 
 
 It sure is tough on democracy when a fellow tries to 
 light a cigarette with the only match within four miles 
 and then has to drop it to salute a passing officer. 
 
 Lady Conductor: (To passenger who is monopolizing 
 more than his share of room in the car) "Move up there, 
 please." 
 
 The passenger unconcernedly continued to spread out. 
 Will you move up and make room for the other pas- 
 sengers, please?" 
 
 But the passenger was still indifferent. 
 
 Lady Conductor: (As a last resort) "Can any pas- 
 senger tell me the German for 'Move up, please'?" 
 
 iininiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiijiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii^^ 
 
 43 
 
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiNiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiN 
 
 NAVAL KNOWLEDGE 
 
 A pretty maiden shy and coy 
 
 Was walking down the street, 
 A Jackie was approaching and, 
 
 Her gloves dropped at her feet. 
 He smiled as he picked up the gloves. 
 
 Then made a formal bow, 
 "You cannot work that bluff," he said, 
 
 "For I'm a Jackie now." 
 
 4ftH6C-'' 
 
 I IMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Illlllllllllllllllll Illllllllllllllllllllll! Illllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllltlllllllllllllll 
 
 44 
 
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIH 
 
 The Corporal (who had proposed and been accepted, 
 interviewing her father.) 
 
 "I love your daughter, sir, but there is one thing I want 
 to make sure of before I ask for her hand. Is there any 
 insanity in your family?" 
 
 Girl's Father: "No, there isn't, and furthermore there 
 isn't going to be any, either." 
 
 The society women were doing their bit by entertaining 
 the boys with a musical program in a Camp Y. M. C. A. 
 To conclude the performance, a would-be soprano sang 
 "Old Black Joe" and "My Old Kentucky Home," after 
 which the audience filed out. The vocalist then noticed 
 that one of the men had remained seated, his head was in 
 his hands and he was weeping. She decided to speak 
 to him. 
 
 "I beg your pardon, my lad," she said, "but I see that 
 my music has affected you deeply. Are you from Ken- 
 tucky?" 
 
 "No," replied the soldier, "I am a musician." 
 
 Officer (to Private Hanson — very negligee and busy 
 hunting for "cooties" in his clothes) : 
 
 "Picking out the big ones, my man?" 
 
 Private Hanson: "No, sir, just taking them as they 
 come." 
 
 '"iniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin 
 
 45 
 
iiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimMiiiiiiiiiiniiiNiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii^ 
 
 It was in the earlier days of recruiting, when a particu- 
 larly smartly attired man presented himself before the 
 sergeant at a recruiting office. He adopted an air of great 
 superiority, displaying at the same time in an ostentatious 
 manner, a watch chain with big seals, a glittering tiepin, 
 studs, cuff links, as well as several rings. 
 
 "Ah sergeant," he said, in a peremptory manner, 
 "please look sharp with my details; 1 have — ah — rather 
 an important engagement." 
 
 The sergeant looked him up and down steadily as 
 though searching for something he could not find. Sud- 
 denly he sprang to his feet. 
 
 "1 have it," he exclaimed, "Heavens, man, ye've for- 
 gotten yer bracelet." 
 
 M -^ M 
 
 Hazel: "Was papa very angry when you asked him 
 for me, George, dear?" 
 
 Lieutenant: "Not at all; he asked me if I couldn't 
 bring around a couple of other officers so that he could 
 marry off your two sisters." 
 
 -K -K -K 
 
 Rookie: (at mess) "By gosh — here's a piece of rubber 
 tire in my stew." 
 
 K. P. "That's all right man. Don't you know that the 
 motor truck is replacing the horse everywhere today?" 
 
 -K -K -K 
 
 Jack: "What does 'Deutschland Uber Alles' mean?" 
 Sam: "Oh that means 'It's all over with Germany.' 
 
 HnilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllillllllllllllllllllMIIIIIIIIII^ 
 
 46 - 
 
Illllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllm 
 
 Atiine.^^ 
 
 WAR IS H— L 
 
 For months I'd gone with Annabelle, 
 With war, I had- to take my leave, 
 
 Promotions came and soon I wore 
 
 The sergeant's stripes upon my sleeve. 
 
 But now a rival claims her hours, 
 She does not care to see me now, 
 
 He wears the captain's double bars. 
 Oh d — n the Kaiser, anyhow! 
 
 47 
 
iiiiiiiiMiiiiiiiiiiniiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii 
 
 MADE IN U. S. A. 
 
 A wounded American soldier was telling his battles 
 over again. 
 
 "Yes," said he, "a boche shell hit me right in the 
 neck." 
 
 "And you are alive now?" gasped his listener. 
 
 "Yes. You see, stranger, the shell was made in Ger- 
 many, but my collar stud was made in the U. S, A. and 
 1 guess the squib sort of subsided. It was some stud." 
 
 iiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii^ 
 
 48 
 
ii{iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiiiii:ii!iiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii>iiiiiiiini;iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiN 
 
 The doctors were holding a consultation beside the 
 bed of a soldier who was to have an operation. 
 
 "I believe," said one of the surgeons softly, "that we 
 should wait and let him get a little stronger before cut- 
 ting into him." 
 
 Before the other surgeon could reply, the patient, who 
 had overheard, turned to the nurse with a grin and re- 
 marked: 
 
 "What do they take me for — a cheese?" 
 
 The officer who was inspecting the line in Flanders 
 came across a raw looking doughboy. 
 
 "What are you here for?" asked the officer. 
 
 "To report anything unusual, sir." 
 
 "What do you call unusual? What would you do if 
 you saw^ five battle cruisers steaming across the field?" 
 
 "Take the pledge, sir." 
 
 "Did Cuthbert appeal for exemption?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "On what grounds?" 
 
 "I don't know — unless it was upon the ground that if 
 he went to war his wife's father would have no son-in- 
 law to support." 
 
 iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Ill Ill iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiii iiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I iiiiiiiiiiiiiii 
 
 49 
 
"How is your college educated son getting along in 
 the army?" 
 
 "Well he was always behind in his studies but believe 
 me, he's making a record at the front now." 
 
 "I'm going to propose to Gertrude tonight." 
 
 "Think she'll accept you?" 
 
 "Sure, I'm going to wear my new uniform.' 
 
 Old Army Sergeant: "Yes, sir, — war is sure ruining 
 the army. Think what it will be like when it is full of 
 civilians." 
 
 Benson: (In 1925) "You'll find my ancestors' names 
 on the Declaration of Independence. " 
 
 Jenson: "Yes, and you'll find my name on the rolls 
 of the 108th Engineers who were in France in 1918." 
 
 "That injured soldier will never be able to hold down 
 a clerk's job again." 
 
 "Has he lost his writing hand?" 
 "No, but his pen ear is gone." 
 
 iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii^ 
 
 50 
 
^KE Av'irXiK^^IT^ 
 
 ■ -1^1 ^3 
 
 JULIETTE AND ED 
 
 When tastes and thots are much ahke, 
 
 It means domestic bhss, 
 And tho the navy separates, 
 
 Your Hves won't run amiss; 
 Altho apart, you will retam 
 
 Some similarities. 
 For Juliette will see the sales. 
 
 While Ed will sail the seas. 
 
 Illlllllllllllllllflllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll Illlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIIII I 
 
 51 
 
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIItlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllMlllllllinilM 
 
 Mistress: (to new maid) "I want you to understand 
 that your new master is a captain." 
 
 Maid: "Oh, that's all right — I just adore soldiers." 
 
 Mae: "The Lieutenant has asked me to be his wife." 
 June: "I thought he would. He told me that he never 
 expected to come back." 
 
 First Soldier: (in restaurant) "How are your eggs, 
 Bill?" 
 
 Second Soldier: "I'll match you to see who goes back 
 for the gas masks." 
 
 -K -K -K 
 
 The military romance was to culminate but three weeks 
 after the meeting. As the strains of the wedding march 
 reached their ears, the best man remarked: 
 
 "What's the matter, Tom, you look v/orried. Have 
 you lost the ring?" 
 
 "No," replied Tom, "the ring's safe but I've lost my 
 
 enthusiasm." 
 
 M M -¥ 
 
 "So Harry is over in France. Do you think that he'll 
 be true to you? " 
 
 "Hardly — I understand that he has figured in four 
 engagements already." 
 
 llllllllimilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Illlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll IIIIIIIKIIIIIIIIIIII!llllllllllillllllllllllllllllllllllll!lllllllllllllllllllllllll 
 
 52 
 
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIII^ 
 
 PARADOXICALLY SPEAKING 
 
 Females now hold down positions 
 
 Of the males who've gone away, 
 Female coppers and conductors, 
 
 Have supplanted and hold sway. 
 Since the mail man has departed. 
 
 Females carry mail much better, 
 You should see our new mail female 
 
 When she brings my daily letter. 
 
 _-xv^" *\ 
 
 A<?cHce-» 
 
 iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim^ 
 
 53 
 
FOOD IS AMMUNITION 
 
 Food is Ammunition, 
 
 F ood will win the war, 
 When they serve you biscuits 
 
 Always ask for more. 
 If you cannot eat them. 
 
 Save those heavy buns, 
 Take them to the trenches. 
 
 Throw them at the Huns. 
 
 54 
 
iiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiNiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiH^ 
 
 Sergeant (drilling awkward rookies) : "It don't take 
 long to get ideas into your heads, but I'd like to know 
 what you do with them when they get there." 
 
 "Were you sore after they vaccinated you in the 
 army?" 
 
 "No — why should I be sore, they did not charge me 
 for it." 
 
 -K -K -K 
 
 army?" 
 
 "So the bathing instructor got a fitting job in the 
 
 ny?" 
 
 "Yes — he's now bathing dishes." 
 
 -K ^ -K . 
 
 Lucille: "1 have decided to give up candy for the 
 
 duration of the war." 
 
 Lieutenant: "I'm sorry — I just brought you a box." 
 Lucille: "In that case I'll give up frankfurters and 
 
 sauerkraut." 
 
 -K ^ -K 
 
 Ensign: "I know that you love me dearest." 
 Jane: "Then I can never marry you. " 
 Ensign: "Why not?" 
 
 Jane: "Because I have sworn never to marry a man 
 who knows more than I do." 
 
 HiiiiiiiiKiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiHiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiih 
 
 55 
 
||||||ll!llllllllll|lllllllllillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllilllllllllllllllilllllllllllllllllllllll|JIIIIIIIIIIII^ 
 
 lUIIIIII 
 
 A company commander received an order from bat- 
 talion headquarters to send in a return giving the number 
 of dead Huns in front of his sector of the trench. He 
 sent in the number as 2,001. H. Q. rung up and asked 
 him how he arrived at this unusual figure. "Well," he re- 
 plied, 'Tm certain about the one, because I counted him 
 myself. He's hanging on the wire just in front of me. I 
 estimated the 2,000. I worked it out all by myself in my 
 own head that it was healthier to estimate than to walk 
 about in 'no man's land' and count 'em." 
 
 "You seem happy since you enlisted." 
 "I'm in the army; it's against the law for any of my 
 relatives to borrow my clothes." 
 
 Mrs. Murphy: "What a blessing children are." 
 Mrs. Riley: "How so?" 
 
 Mrs. Murphy: "They didn't draft Mike because he 
 had six." 
 
 56 
 
RETROSPECTION AND ANTICIPATION 
 
 They've left the old green benches 
 Along the old lake shore, 
 
 They're sitting in the trenches, 
 A' thinking 'bout the war. 
 
 While powder now they're facing, 
 
 In each and every trench, 
 They're wishing they were facing 
 
 Some powder on a bench. 
 
 But some day, no more powder 
 
 Will trench or land deface 
 On benches, powder then will be 
 
 Effaced from face to face. 
 
 57 
 
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII^ 
 
 The officer was very punctilious about the rules, but 
 was limited by the resources of civilization. One day he 
 sent for the sergeant to ask how long it had been since 
 the men had changed their shirts. 
 
 "A month," was the reply. 
 
 "But the regulations say that they must change their 
 shirts at least once a week." 
 
 "They haven't any shirts to change into, sir." 
 
 "Then let them change shirts with each other." 
 
 Scotch Soldier: "Are you the fellow that dragged me 
 out of that shell hole under fireV 
 
 Ambulance Man: (modestly) "Oh, that's all right." 
 Scotch Soldier: "Well, what the devil did you do with 
 
 "Daughter, did you give back that young lieutenant 
 everything he gave you as I directed?" 
 
 "Yes, father, I did exactly as you said — even his 
 kisses." 
 
 58 
 
jAe6HE<e— ' 
 
 NO OPPORTUNITY 
 
 The guy you heard yell, 
 
 "I don't want to get well," 
 
 Was a little bit off in his dome, 
 
 You try when you're sick 
 
 To get out damn quick 
 
 You know then, "There's no place like home." 
 
 Your nurse, oh so pretty. 
 
 As sung in the ditty. 
 
 Will never become your love ace, 
 
 No sentiment there 
 
 Each nurse gay and fair 
 
 Has whiskers all over his face. 
 
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 39 
 
|llll|lllll||llllllillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!lilllllllllllllllllllllllll!illlllll!ll!llllll!ll!lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllillllllllllllllHIIIIIII^ 
 
 The Objector — "This idea of putting women in the 
 army is all nonsense, don't you think?" 
 
 The Statistician — "Not entirely. None would claim ex- 
 emption on account of age or physical imperfection and 
 there would be no old age pensions to pay." 
 
 Wife (reading paper) — "A great many prominent 
 men seem to be working for the Government for a dollar 
 a year. ' 
 
 Husband — "Well, 1 guess some of them are worth it." 
 
 Conscientious Objector — "Shooting at those targets 
 makes me realize how awful war will be. I'd die before 
 I'd kill a man!" 
 
 Officer (who had watched him shoot) — "You certainly 
 would." 
 
 A rookie in camp, being broke, wired to his father: 
 "Dad, — Send me $10 at once, as I am on the hog." 
 Promptly his father wired back: 
 "Ride the hog home; we're out of meat." 
 
 IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHllllll 
 
 60 
 
iiiiniiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii^ iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii 
 
 ON FURLOUGH 
 
 At twenty to two, the hour is for two, 
 
 If the porch built for twenty, holds two: 
 
 If the girl five feet two, has reached twenty-two. 
 
 And he too is just twenty-two. 
 
 Tis wonderful too, at twenty to two, 
 When they feel they'll be one 'stead of two; 
 Good nights — more than two, at twenty to two. 
 Are too few, if there's two, twenty-two. 
 
 IliHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIK 
 
 61 
 
( A dver Using Section ) 
 
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 TO FIT YOU— FREE OF CHARGE 
 
 APPLY FOR ONE OF THESE READY MADE 
 SUITS AT ANY RECRUITING STATION 
 
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 Treatment Date: ^ ^^ 
 
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 Cranberry Township, PA 16066 
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