PS 3525 
 .fl847 
 N8 
 1921 
 Copy 1 
 
Class TS 
 BookAS^Xife 
 Copyright N"_10[-2a_ 
 
 COPMRIGHT DEPOSm 
 
A NUMBER 
 OF THINGS 
 
 BY 
 
 WALTER J. MATHERLY 
 
 BOSTON 
 
 RICHARD G. BADGER 
 
 THE GORHAM PRESS 
 
Copyright 1921, by Richard G. Badger 
 
 All Rights Reserved 
 
 
 MADE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 
 
 Tkb Gorham Pkbss, Boston, U. S. A. 
 
 ©aA6055.S8 
 *W0 
 
To 
 
 my wife 
 
 ENID PUTNAM MATHERLY 
 
 whose love has 
 
 enriched my 
 
 life 
 
 ^ 
 
FOREWORD 
 
 If I had the naming of this book I should call 
 it "Humor, Economics and Common Sense.*' I 
 cordially recommend it to those who agree with 
 me that truth is more palatable when it is spiced 
 with wit. 
 
 The acid test of literary merit is our feeling 
 when we have read to the end of what the author 
 has written. 
 
 If we find ourselves disposed to reread it or pass 
 it on to our friends then it is worth while. 
 
 I have read all these essays twice, I have been 
 glad to recommend them to several friends and I 
 have asked permission to print "The Why of 
 Tobacco" in my paper. 
 
 Theo. H. Price 
 New York 
 January 20, 1920 
 
Parts 
 of "The Economic 
 Aspects of Eats" and *'The Philosophy 
 of Fits" appeared In Commerce and Finance for 
 May 21, 19 1 9, and The Manu- 
 facturers Record for Oct. 
 2, 1919, respectively 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 Chapter Page 
 
 I. The Idlers of the Species 13 
 
 II. The Economic Aspects of Eats 21 
 
 III. The Peddlers of Excuses 29 
 
 IV. The God of Conventionality 39 
 
 V. The Philosophy of Fits 47 
 
 VI. The Various Kinds of Freaks 56 
 
 VII. The Why of Tobacco 65 
 
 VIII. The Costs of Waiting 73 
 
A NUMBER OF THINGS 
 
A Number of Things 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 ^ THE IDLERS OF THE SPECIES 
 
 'T^HERE is a superabundance of idlers in the 
 -■- world. They are found in every sphere of 
 human society. They exist in high places as well 
 as in low places. They flourish in restricted resi- 
 dential districts as well as in tenement districts. 
 They pester rural communities as well as urban 
 communities. They ride in limousines as well 
 as in box cars and *'blind baggages." They infest 
 governments as well as industries. They afflict 
 the body intellectual as well as the body physical. 
 They are represented by females as well as by 
 males. In short, the idlers of the species are not 
 confined to any one class, family, condition, or 
 stratum of society, nor limited to any one commun- 
 ity ; but are rather scattered broadcast in big hand- 
 fuls throughout the whole social kingdom. 
 
 The idlers of the species are of unholy origin. 
 They came forth from the womb of indolence. They 
 were conceived in the iniquity of laziness and 
 brought forth in the bonds of idleness. They 
 
 13 
 
14 A Number of Things 
 
 "started life by restin' and stayed restin' ever 
 since." Their creators were the immortal gods of 
 ease, and to such deities they have always paid the 
 strictest homage and praise Their advent into the 
 world marked the beginning of a leisure class, and 
 since then such a class has always imposed itself 
 upon mankind, maintained itself with the utmost 
 care and energy, and stood unequivocally opposed 
 to all doctrines except the doctrine of sitting still. 
 
 The supreme purpose of the idlers of the species 
 is to evade work. Ease, not labor, is their all- 
 important objective. Toil is about as attractive to 
 them as an anthem would be to a jazz orchestra. 
 They have about as much interest in industrial 
 activities as a monkey would have in the move- 
 ments of the planets. They have about as much 
 desire to apply themselves diligently as a balky 
 mule would have to pull a ton of brick. Their one 
 great consuming desire is to dodge all expendi- 
 tures of energy, slide by all demands for services, 
 and do nothing, absolutely nothing. 
 
 The idlers of the species are of many varieties 
 and flavors. Foremost among them are the idlers 
 known as vagrants. Every city is troubled with 
 them, plenty of them. They hang around on street 
 corners, loaf wherever loafing is good, and eschew 
 all occupations in general. While there are laws 
 against vagrancy, little of any great importance is 
 
The Idlers of the Species 15 
 
 ever done to enforce such laws and thereby elimin- 
 ate these worthless insects or put them to useful 
 purposes. An employer has about as much chance 
 to employ them as he would have to employ kings 
 and queens, or society belles and "lounge liz- 
 zards." They are just idlers, transcendent idlers, 
 and without doubt will always be idlers. 
 
 In close relation to vagrants there are idlers 
 known as hoboes. While intimate connections 
 exist between the two classes, hoboes are somewhat 
 different in texture from vagrants. Vagrants are 
 usually tied to immediate, definite localities, while 
 hoboes roam the wide, wide world. Vagrants are 
 provincials, while hoboes are cosmopolitans. More 
 or less unlike the vagrants, hoboes are made up 
 of the tramps, the wanderers, the invincible knights 
 of the road, the true sons of rest. They live 
 not by the sweat of their brows but by handouts 
 from back doors. They sleep not under roofs but 
 under the skies. They dress not in clothes of the 
 latest cut but in rags, filthy rags. They sow not, 
 neither do they reap nor spin, nor gather into 
 barns. They take what comes, be it much or lit- 
 tle, without frets or cares. In a word, they are 
 the idlers par excellence. 
 
 In addition to vagrants and hoboes there are 
 idlers in the form of the "idle rich." Usually they 
 live off the inherited wealth or wealth which they 
 
1 6 A Number of Things 
 
 have done little to create. In some cases they 
 make a fortune by their own wits, retire, and then 
 kill themselves either in consuming it or trying to 
 endure luxurious ease. To ward off ennui they 
 chase from pleasure resort to pleasure resort. 
 They engage in all kinds of sports from horse- 
 racing and golf playing to cock-fighting and crap- 
 shooting. One of their chief delights is to em- 
 ploy famous chefs and become experts in judging 
 palatable foods. Their all-absorbing raison d'etre 
 is to dress and undress, attend dinners, theatres 
 and dances, entertain the elite, gush over nothing, 
 sleep a few hours each day, and acquire what 
 they deem the choicest bits of culture and refine- 
 ment. They are the idlers plutocratic, and as such 
 are abominations of the nth magnitude. 
 
 Just as there are idlers in the form of the idle 
 rich, so also are there idlers in the shape of women 
 who exist purely for the sake of dress, show and 
 ornamentation. They add little to the world's 
 production. They draw their sustenance from the 
 men upon whom they economically depend without 
 yielding anything in return. If plenty of servants 
 are available, they sometimes get up enough '*pep" 
 to manage households. Ordinarily, however, they 
 oppose all domesticity. Children have no place, 
 play or part in their lives. Child-bearing Involves 
 pain, and children are nuisances anyway. Their 
 
The Idlers of the Species 17 
 
 sole mission is not to replenish the earth with their 
 progeny but to flit like butterflies along the social 
 highway. Their best thought is given not to things 
 useful but to the anticipated display they will make 
 in competition with each other at social festivities. 
 That they spend on the average three or four times 
 as much on personal adornment as men worries 
 them naught. Nothing must come between them 
 and their sublime round of pleasure. Magnificent 
 indeed are the daughters of indolence who afflict 
 the abode of man. 
 
 The female idlers however do not by any means 
 exhaust the enormous supply of idlers. There are 
 also idlers in politics. They consume with greedi- 
 ness but do not correspondingly produce. They 
 feed, not on the fruits of honest toil, but on the 
 bountiful crumbs which fall from the tables of suc- 
 cessful candidates. Generally they adhere strictly 
 to no party. Their support goes to those who will 
 promise them the greatest booty. Their ideal, 
 if they are capable of having an ideal, is public 
 spoils, not public welfare. They are most pleased 
 when they can get their long fingers into the public 
 purse. In their every action they pervert the prin- 
 ciples of democracy. They stand like a stone wall 
 in the way of all social reform. They perform no 
 useful function in the political mechanism. They 
 are about as necessary to good government as a 
 
1 8 A Number of Things 
 
 bent penny would be to a multi-millionaire. They 
 are about as indispensable to the successful opera- 
 tion of organized power as a garden hose would 
 be to the Sahara Desert. Without question they 
 are the worst reprobates to whom the whole phi- 
 losophy of laziness has given birth. 
 
 Even the Idlers in the kingdom of politics do not 
 exhaust the enormous supply of idlers. To them 
 must be added the intermittent Idlers. The inter- 
 mittent idlers are made up of the casual workers 
 of the world. They are divided into two classes. 
 In the first place, there are those who are just as 
 lazy as they dare to be. They work one day and 
 loaf the next. They labor with zest for a little 
 while and then live up, without taking thought for 
 the morrow, that which they have earned. They 
 are Irregular In connecting themselves with jobs, 
 and when connections are established, they sever 
 them on the slightest provocation. They are much 
 hired and either much fired or else they just vol- 
 untarily lose their grip on the positions they hold 
 and choose to depart in peace. They are funda- 
 mental factors In the turnover of factory labor. 
 Above all they are everlasting opponents to the 
 regularlzatlon of employment. 
 
 In the second place there are those who are 
 forced into Intermittent idleness. The occupations 
 or trades In which they are engaged are seasonal. 
 
The Idlers of the Species 19 
 
 Their employment does not run throughout the 
 year. On account of the nature of the industry 
 their jobs last for only a few short months. Labor- 
 ers in canning factories, for instance, through no 
 fault of their own, are out of work about nine 
 months out of each year, and unless they are as- 
 similated into some other industry they are com- 
 pelled to remain idle. But whether forced in- 
 termittent idlers or just plain voluntary inter- 
 mittent idlers, they are all idlers and idlers are al- 
 ways economic losses. 
 
 Finally, there are intellectual idlers in the make- 
 up of the congested lazy population of the earth. 
 Unlike their counterparts in other realms, the in- 
 tellectual idlers are harrassed with indolence of 
 mind. Their chief ailment is not physical inertia 
 as is the case of most of their compeers, but rather, 
 mental inertia. They are absolutely too trifling 
 to think. They refuse to put themselves to the 
 trouble of using their brains. They divest them- 
 selves of all the processes of cerebration, simply 
 because it requires effort to Intellectualize. Instead 
 of reasoning straight or thinking things out to 
 their logical conclusions, they take the line of least 
 resistance and order all their ideas ready-made. 
 The incurable disease with which they are afilicted 
 is not laziness of body but laziness of intellect. 
 Perhaps after all, the laziness of brain with which 
 
20 A Number of Things 
 
 they are obsessed is the grossest sort of laziness 
 to which mortals have fallen heir. 
 
 The idlers of the species, then, are of many 
 colors. They are composed of vagrants, hoboes, 
 plutocratic abstainers from toil, and female expon- 
 ents of the gospel of indolence. They are made up 
 of crooked politicians, spasmodic or intermittent 
 loafers and intellectual shirkers. With the excep- 
 tion of some of the spasmodic or intermittent loaf- 
 ers who are forced into idleness, all of them, of 
 whatever rank or previous condition of servitude, 
 have a profound aversion to toil. They uncondi- 
 tionally refuse to add their quota to the services of 
 the world. They are social parasites of the high- 
 est degree. They are public nuisances of the 
 worst order. Anything that can be done to eradi- 
 cate them, kill them off, or prevent them from per- 
 petuating themselves will be a step forward, will 
 effect great economic and social saving, and will 
 confer a mighty blessing upon mankind. 
 
CHAPTER II 
 
 THE ECONOMIC ASPECTS OF EATS 
 
 T7 VERY man is pestered with a desire for food. 
 -■-'Peculiar as It may seem, it is impossible to 
 maintain life without something to eat. Nourish- 
 ment is essential to every living organism. With- 
 out the replenishment of tissue, life ceases to exist. 
 Unless the stomach is filled at regular intervals, 
 the body deteriorates and fails to function. Nature 
 abhors vacuums in the alimentary tract as well as 
 vacuums in other places. The world's destiny de- 
 pends upon the successful workings of the digestive 
 mechanism. The supreme mission of civilization 
 is to keep the digestive machine In running order 
 and efficiency. 
 
 The whole history of mankind Is mainly the his- 
 tory of food-getting or stomach-filling. The first 
 activities of man were activities that had to do 
 with sustaining life. The first inventions were the 
 inventions of crude Instruments to aid In the hunt 
 and chase, the object of which was not primarily 
 for pleasure but for procuring the means with 
 which to allay thirty feet of alimentary yearnings. 
 The first flocks were tended and the first lands 
 
 21 
 
22 A Number of Things 
 
 cultivated not for financial profits but for meeting 
 survival needs more easily and economically. The 
 first caravans were started, the first ships were 
 built, the first railways were constructed, not solely 
 for exploration and adventure, but for connecting 
 isolated peoples with the food centers of the 
 world. 
 
 Nor is this all. The first bake-shops, elevators, 
 and cold storage houses were erected, not for the 
 sake of architecture but for the sake of preserving 
 food supplies from the ravages of time. The first 
 civilizations were begun, not in lands of tropical 
 abundance but in lands of scarcity where men were 
 compelled to struggle, to save, and often to im- 
 port from without in order to survive and keep the 
 stomach in action. Thus, throughout all history 
 food-getting and stomach-filling have been the 
 more or less fundamental underlying motives or 
 stimulants to all civilized achievement. 
 
 Upon this food-getting or stomach-filling in- 
 stinct, or upon this ever-present desire to eat, to 
 consume, to devour, the perpetuation of the race 
 depends. Without a perpetual food supply the 
 human species would become extinct. This food 
 supply can be produced, however, only year by 
 year. As a result the whole world at any one time 
 is only twelve months away from starvation and 
 extinction ; and were there a world crop failure in 
 
The Economic Aspects of Eats 23 
 
 any single year, the earth would become a chaos. 
 
 In a worse plight are great cities. It has been 
 estimated that they are only one week away from 
 famine and destruction; and were all connections 
 cut off from the outside for seven days they would 
 become silent cities of the dead. Still more pre- 
 carious Is the condition of millions of the lowest 
 paid wage earners. They are only one day away 
 from hunger and ruin; and when they face unem- 
 ployment even for twenty-four hours they stand 
 upon the brink of utter distress and annihilation. 
 The eating instinct, therefore, Is the basis of all 
 race perpetuation and is the ultimate cause of all 
 economic activities. 
 
 The whole economic world exists largely be- 
 cause the stomach exists. For the stomach's sake 
 large capital Investments are made In factories, 
 machinery and transportation facilities. For the 
 stomach's sake farmers purchase expensive farm 
 implements, cultivate thousands of acres of land, 
 and toil without ceasing. For the stomach's sake 
 truck gardens are planted, orchards are set out and 
 tropical fruits are imported. For the stomach's 
 sake peanut, popcorn and fruit venders push their 
 carts along streets. For the stomach's sake chefs 
 and waiters are born. For the stomach's sake an 
 elaborate system of table manners has been evolv- 
 ed. For the stomach's sake the science of dietetics 
 
24 A Number of Things 
 
 has been instituted. For the stomach's sake even 
 wine is biblically justifiable. Without the stomach 
 the whole economic structure would crumble. 
 
 The stomach is indeed the center of the whole 
 economic system. It has only one reason for 
 being. It exists solely and supremely as a re- 
 ceptacle for foods, — as a storage center from 
 which the first steps in nutritive distribution take 
 place. It is a sensitive brute and often refuses to 
 receive just anything that comes. It reserves the 
 right to exercise the power of selection. It some- 
 times even resorts to the process of elimination. In 
 some persons it will entertain and dispose of any 
 animal or vegetable product: in others it will 
 utilize only the rarest and the choicest. At times 
 it must even be coaxed. If it is in a healthy condi- 
 tion, however, it is always ready for the reception 
 of visitors; and if none come voluntarily it makes 
 regular calls during the day on its own initiative. 
 It just naturally attracts food particles as a mag- 
 net attracts iron filings. Its sole purpose for in- 
 flicting itself upon man is to serve as a clearing 
 house for palatable economic products. 
 
 Eats toward which the stomach instinctively 
 gravitates are of various kinds and flavors. There 
 are good eats and bad eats, digestible eats and in- 
 digestible eats, vegetable eats and animal eats, 
 army eats and civilian eats, free eats like free 
 
The Economic Aspects of Eats 25 
 
 goods and economic eats like economic goods. 
 There are eats like fresh ripe strawberries, which 
 produce physiological reactions in the mouth com- 
 monly known as "mouth waterings." There are 
 eats like venison which arouse uncontrollable de- 
 sires to procure them even though the attendant 
 burdens upon one's treasury may lead to bank- 
 ruptcy. There are eats like plain meat and bread, 
 the lack of which leads to social eruptions and 
 revolutions, and to the spread of bolshevism. 
 There are eats like sea foods and foods from dis- 
 tant lands, the production and transportation of 
 which involve the loss of life, liberty, prosperity 
 and the pursuit of happiness. Eats, produced under 
 whatever circumstances and stirring up whatever 
 abdominal emotions, are as numerous and of as 
 many varieties as the forms of life found in the 
 animal and vegetable kingdoms. 
 
 Eats, though extended to man in a multitude of 
 forms and absolutely essential to the welfare of 
 body, mind and soul, are often productive of in- 
 ternal disturbances. They cause serious upheavals 
 in the process of distribution or alimentation. Such 
 disorganizations are due largely to too much food. 
 Too much is in many instances worse than too 
 little. Gluts here are just as disastrous as gluts in 
 the marts of trade. Few there are who have 
 learned this and as a consequence eat temperately. 
 
26 A Number of Things 
 
 Most people overload their assimilative ma- 
 chinery. They forget that when teamsters over- 
 load there is usually a breakdown. They fret 
 constantly about indigestion and yet they con- 
 tinue to crowd their digestive tracts like street cars 
 in rush hours, with meats, desserts, lobster salads, 
 oysters on the half shell, roast ducks ad nauseum. 
 There is little wonder at their illness. A man's 
 apparatus for assimilation is not made of steel 
 plate. It is not built like a super-dreadnought. It 
 can function properly only when treated with re- 
 spect and decency. Only when overfeeding is 
 stopped will Mexican revolutions in the abdominal 
 cavity end. 
 
 In antithesis to over-feeding there is under-feed- 
 ing. In sociological parlance this is known as un- 
 der-nourishment or malnutrition. In the slums 
 and among the lowest classes of wage earners 
 there are thousands of cases where children are 
 stunted in growth, warped in mind and permanent- 
 ly disabled, simply because in a land of plenty they 
 were forced to go hungry. Mothers at times have 
 had little upon which to subsist and rear their 
 progeny. In periods of business depression strong 
 men of honesty and sobriety have often cried for 
 bread. 
 
 All of this misery exists simply because the 
 abundance of food which the earth produces is 
 
The Economic Aspects of Eats 27 
 
 poorly distributed. There is too much over-feed- 
 ing and waste. If none were over-fed none would 
 be under-fed. Eats there are for all, but through 
 a rotten system of distribution the submerged 
 classes often fail to get even the barest means of 
 subsistence. Imperative indeed is the demand for 
 the solution of the problem of malnutrition. 
 
 If both the over-feds and the under-feds are to 
 be eliminated, more attention must be given to the 
 economical consumption of wealth. The princi- 
 ples of dietetics must be allowed to accomplish 
 their purpose The balanced ration must be the 
 nutritive standard to which all must conform. 
 Consumers must pay less heed to tickling sensa- 
 tions of the palate and more heed to the actual 
 physical requirements of health and efficiency. 
 Their purpose in eating must be less to gratify 
 mere whims of taste and more to restore energy. 
 Those who live merely to eat and fare sumptuously 
 must be treated as public enemies. Those who 
 consider the summum bonum to be found only in 
 the capacity which foods have to satisfy taste must 
 be outlawed. The civilized world has no room for 
 such beasts. It has room only for those who can 
 see beyond dinner tables, chefs and fancy dishes, 
 and behold an earth in which all shall eat, become 
 strong and energetic, and serve for the common 
 good. 
 
28 A Number of Things 
 
 Also, the man of millions as well as the man 
 of meager means must recognize the all-important 
 fact that human life is more than meat and bread. 
 True, meat and bread serve a purpose, an eco- 
 nomic purpose, a tremendously significant eco- 
 nomic purpose. Laborers can not dig ditches, 
 mine coal or operate machines, business men can- 
 not manage business enterprises, and officials can 
 not adminster governments without food. Eats 
 are economically imperative. It is all right to en- 
 joy them and enjoy them fully. But food is not 
 the end. Man's chief source of happiness is not 
 his mouth. His chief object in living is not to 
 turn over sweet morsels with his tongue. His 
 chief work is not to shovel eats into his gullet as a 
 fireman shovels coal into a furnace. Instead of 
 meat and bread being the end, they are only means 
 to the end. In this matter there must be no con- 
 fusion. Above all, the end, not the means, is the 
 ideal in the consumption of the world's wealth. 
 
CHAPTER III 
 
 THE PEDDLERS OF EXCUSES 
 
 THERE are peddlers of excuses. They are as 
 old as the human race. With the coming of 
 man they sprang Into existence. Apart from hu- 
 manity they have no meaning. It is only human 
 beings prone to err who peddle, make or offer 
 excuses for consideration. Their excuse-making 
 is inherent in, or is a part of, their nature — uni- 
 versal human nature. A man without excuses is a 
 monstrosity. 
 
 Though excuse peddlers as well as excuses them- 
 selves are obstacles in the pathway of progress, 
 human reason has never been able to eradicate 
 them. Until there is a radical change in the nature 
 of human kind they will without doubt continue to 
 interfere with the races of men and retard them in 
 their struggles for higher civilizations. 
 
 The excuses peddled by the peddlers of excuses 
 are almost as numerous as the stars. They are of 
 as many varieties as there are males and females. 
 There are good excuses and bad excuses, reason- 
 able excuses and unreasonable excuses, clever ex- 
 cuses and awkward excuses, evasive excuses and 
 
 29 
 
30 A Number of Things 
 
 outspoken excuses, flimsy excuses and extenuating 
 excuses. There are excuses for activity and ex- 
 cuses for inactivity, excuses for gain and excuses 
 for loss. There are excuses for indolence, ineffi- 
 ciency, improvidence and unprogressiveness. There 
 are excuses for duplicity of conduct, corrupt poli- 
 tics, business practices, and inequality in the dis- 
 tribution of wealth. Generally, there are as many 
 types, of excuses as there are types of human 
 weaknesses. 
 
 Usually, excuses are about as far from the truth 
 as the earth is distant from the sun. They are in 
 no way to be compared with reasons. Reasons 
 given in explanation of conduct or lack of conduct 
 are perfectly legitimate and proper. They are 
 based on truth and are always acceptable. Excuses 
 however are not legitimate and proper, are not 
 acceptable, and are in no wise to be confused with 
 reasons. There is a vast difference — a regular 
 Pacific Ocean — between them. Unlike reasons, 
 excuses are often about ninety-three million miles 
 from the truth. They may be characterized as 
 *'good" or ^'reasonable" only in so far as they are 
 cleverly given. If there are reasons for doing or 
 not doing a thing, and they are shown, no questions 
 should be asked. If there are only mere excuses 
 for doing or not doing a thing, such excuses should 
 be swept aside as mere rubbish. Reasons, there- 
 
The Peddlers of Excuses 31 
 
 fore, and not excuses must be given first place In 
 justifying activity or the lack of activity. 
 
 This philosophy only weaklings ignore. Weak- 
 lings and weaklings only resort to excuses. Strong 
 men are never guilty of such cowardice. Like 
 good soldiers they offer no alibis and put forth no 
 extenuating circumstances. If they make mistakes 
 they abide by the results without a murmur. If 
 they have errors In their calculations they accept 
 the blame and, if possible, rectify such errors. If 
 failures descend upon them they present no argu- 
 ments in explanation and emit no whines about 
 overwhelming forces arrayed against them. Profit- 
 ing by their experiences they never again allow 
 such failures, errors or mistakes to occur. Under 
 no circumstances do they excuse themselves. Only 
 the weak, composed of the Indolent, the Inefficient, 
 the improvident and the unprogressive peddle ex- 
 cuses, howl about hard luck and apologize for be- 
 ing upon earth. 
 
 Greatest among the hosts of weakness and 
 spinelessness as artists at trumping up or peddling 
 out excuses and scraping around with apologies are 
 the Indolent. The indolent are the excuse fabrica- 
 tors extraordinary. They excuse themselves at all 
 times from anything that looks like work. They 
 excuse themselves from all responsibility. They 
 excuse themselves from all duties and cares. Their 
 
32 A Number of Things 
 
 only business is the business of manufacturing ex- 
 cuses. Their only aptitude is the aptitude for 
 rest. Their only mission is the mission of avoiding 
 useful labor. Their only affection is the affection 
 for shades, chairs and benches. Their only en- 
 thusiasm is the enthusiasm for "innocuous desue- 
 tude." Their only hope is the hope of making 
 excuses for useless, colorless, hopeless lives, and 
 of finding an abundant entrance into a useless, 
 colorless and hopeless eternity. 
 
 Ranking not every far below the indolent as 
 peddlers of excuses are the inefficient. The in- 
 efficient are constantly handing out high-sounding 
 explanations as to their shortcomings. They can 
 give a thousand ifs as conditions precedent to their 
 success. They can easily scare up an unfounded 
 cause for every blunder. They declare among 
 other things that the odds are against them, that 
 they are forced to act when the season is not ex- 
 actly right, that they do not have time to comply 
 with the signs of the Zodiac or with the require- 
 ments of light and dark moons, that the boss is 
 against them, that their services are not appreciat- 
 ed, that they would fit better in another occupation, 
 or that too much is expected of them. They would 
 demonstrate their peculiar fitness, but — . They 
 would turn the world upside down, but — . They 
 would become great business men, lawyers, doc- 
 
The Peddlers of Excuses 33 
 
 tors, teachers, engineers, or statesmen, but — . In 
 last analysis, "buts" and "dashes" with a few feeble 
 utterances concerning, their perfectly good inten- 
 tions and the unpropitiousness of the gods consti- 
 tute about the only account or excuse which the in- 
 efficient are able to give for themselves and their 
 inefficient services. 
 
 Not many miles behind the inefficient as yodlers 
 of excuses are the improvident. The improvident, 
 made up of the shiftless and thriftless, are birds of 
 rare excuse-vending plumage. They conjure up 
 all sorts of defenses for their worthlessness. If 
 they are rolling stones which gather no moss, they 
 explain the absence of the moss by jelly-like argu- 
 ments which they are at least thrifty enough to 
 gather as they roll along. If they have no home 
 they say it is cheaper to rent. If they have no 
 bank account they contend that their income is so 
 low that it is all taken in meeting their living ex- 
 penses. If they have no employment they put 
 forth the claim that work is scarce, that adequate 
 training is lacking, that a position suitable for their 
 talents cam not be obtained, or that physical ills 
 deter. If they dwell at all times on the edge of bank- 
 ruptcy they bubble over with the contention that 
 their business must expand, that their position must 
 be maintained, and that their families must keep 
 up appearances. If they come to want in old age 
 
34 ^ Number of Things 
 
 they plead almost anything from wilful neglect by 
 their offspring to the chastenings of divine wrath. 
 
 On equal terms with the improvident as echoists 
 of excuses, but of somewhat different type, are the 
 unprogressive. The unprogressive believe out- 
 right and with all boldness in standing still. They 
 oppose all change. They cry out against all re- 
 form. They stand unyielding against all improve- 
 ments. If a new movement is started they vocifer- 
 ate forthwith and immediately that the thing is 
 preposterous and impossible. If they are asked 
 to aid or assist in a struggle for wider horizons 
 they interpose all sorts of objections. The great- 
 est word in their vocabulary is the word "can't." 
 The greatest pleasure they possess is the pleasure 
 of dampening the ardor of enthusiasts. Without 
 debate they admit the presence of wrong in the 
 world ; but they pessimistically contend that wrong 
 has always existed among men and will always 
 continue to exist. Finally, as a clincher for all 
 these stand-pat and gloomy frothings, they wind up 
 with the immemorial argument, or the classic ex- 
 cuse, that it is absolutely impossible to change 
 human nature, and since human nature is what it is, 
 it is absolutely useless to struggle for the better- 
 ment of mankind. 
 
 Just as excuses are peddled out for unprogres- 
 siveness, improvidence, inefficiency and indolence, 
 
The Peddlers of Excuses 35 
 
 so also are excuses peddled out for a double stand- 
 ard of conduct. Men excuse themselves for du- 
 plicity of life, yet severely condemn duplicity in 
 woman. They are within proper bounds if they 
 are libertines, but the women they marry must be 
 as spotless as the falling snow. They are at lib- 
 erty to dissipate and bring only a shattered rem- 
 nant of life into wedlock but the woman must be 
 without scar or blemish. Even women, though 
 deploring this state of affairs, excuse the sweet, 
 innocent male creatures and acquiesce either with 
 silence or with only feeble protest. In all of this 
 there is about as much consistency as there is in a 
 March wind or in the color of a chameleon. If a 
 single standard of conduct, with the same exactions 
 upon men as upon women, is to prevail, the truth 
 must be known, and whimpering excuses with all 
 traffic therein must be completely eradicated. 
 
 A similar treatment must be accorded the ex- 
 cuses put forth in defense of corrupt politics. Here 
 the craftiest of excuses are worked out and the 
 most doubtful of circumstances extolled. Here 
 excuse peddlers constitute the chief obstacle in the 
 way to all political progress, and toil the longest 
 and hardest. When charges of graft are made, 
 the charges are usually dismissed with the mere 
 statement that politics is politics, just as "pigs Is 
 pigs," and that it is impossible to eliminate all 
 
36 A Number of Things 
 
 bosses, ward heelers, misappropriations of money, 
 and favoritisms. These evils must be endured 
 merely as attributes or concomitants of a dem- 
 ocratic system of government. Rascals there are 
 in office but they are few, and even if the few that 
 infest city halls and state houses are driven out, 
 other rascals of worse calibre will take their places. 
 Such excuses — public officials are always prolific 
 excuse peddlers — are calmly accepted by the public 
 and the poor taxpayers foot the bill. Profitable 
 beyond measure are excuses in the world of 
 politics. 
 
 Likewise, excuses are very valuable assets in the 
 world of business. Here, as in politics, excuse ped- 
 dlers and yodlers are exceedingly profuse in their 
 peddling and yodling. Whenever business failures 
 occur, the excuse mills begin immediately to grind 
 out pabulum for public consumption. Whenever 
 get-rich-quick-Wallingford stocks are offered to in- 
 nocent investors, the excuse manufacturers work 
 overtime. Whenever overcapitalization is resort- 
 ed to in order to hide inflations or cover up surplus 
 earnings, the excuse manipulators manipulate with 
 the most unflagging energy. Whenever unfair 
 practices are used in order to crush out hated rivals 
 and to effect a combination or monopoly, the ex- 
 cuse producers overstock the market with their 
 products. Whenever there is a demand for an in- 
 
The Peddlers of Excuses 37 
 
 crease or decrease In wages, or an attempt to 
 increase or decrease rates or prices, the excuse 
 magicians burst forth with wild gyrations In justi- 
 fication or condemnation and exhaust all the arts 
 of legerdemain. Truly the peddling of excuses is 
 absolutely essential to the welfare of business men 
 and the world of business enterprise. 
 
 Excuses are put forth, echoed or peddled, not 
 only as an indispensable support of business meth- 
 ods and practices but also as an indispensable sup- 
 port of the unequal distribution of wealth. There 
 are always "malefactors of wealth" excusing them- 
 selves for their Ill-gotten gains. They wildly argue 
 that the poor always want something for nothing, 
 that they get just about what Is coming to them 
 In the way of wages, and that they are poor be- 
 cause they are Ignorant and incapable, and choose 
 to be poor. If the proletariat were given the 
 wealth of the world they would be unable to keep 
 it. They are too lazy and shiftless. The thrifty 
 and Intelligent would wrest It from them. Wealth 
 like everything else comes to those to whom It Is 
 due. It comes to the rich because they are wise, 
 choose to be rich, save and Invest their earnings, 
 and direct large enterprises. On account of this 
 they are entitled to all that they receive, or to the 
 best. Thus run the principal excuse fabrications 
 
38 A Number of Things 
 
 or mental gymnastics in support of the existing sys- 
 tem of wealth distribution. 
 
 The peddlers of excuses, therefore, are scatter- 
 ed throughout the kingdom of man. Their excuse 
 vending is a universal attribute of human nature. 
 Unless they are eliminated and unless the excuses 
 in which they deal so skillfully are replaced by 
 reasons, there is little hope for the reign of truth, 
 justice and fair play in the transactions of men. 
 
CHAPTER IV 
 
 THE GOD OF CONVENTIONALITY 
 
 CONVENTIONALITY is the bane of man's 
 existence. It is the most exacting of social 
 regulations. It is the most venerable of tyrants. 
 It is the most autocratic of oppressors. It com- 
 mands with an authority that is omnipotent. It 
 hangs like the sword of Damocles over the heads 
 of those who know it not, or who, knowing it, 
 refuse to live by it. It follows mankind like an 
 evil genius. It operates with the strictest sort of 
 punctiliousness. It at times threatens men and 
 women with punishment worse than the guillotine, 
 the scaffold or the electric chair. In essence it is 
 the embodiment of slavery, artificiality and un- 
 reasonableness. 
 
 Beyond humankind however, conventionality 
 does not extend its blind dominion. Upon human 
 beings only does it wreak its vengeance and press 
 itself down as a crown of thorns. In the world 
 of nature it is unknown. The natural order knows 
 no convention. The world does not rotate upon 
 its axis by custom. The stars do not twinkle ac- 
 cording to tradition. The flowers do not bloom 
 
 39 
 
40 A Number of Things 
 
 because of good flowery etiquette. In the realm of 
 nature conventionality has no place. Only in the 
 sphere of conventionalized humanity does the god 
 of conventionality reign supreme. 
 
 Conventionality is the basis of the institution of 
 marriage. Marriage vows and ceremonies are the 
 results of custom. In the main they are nothing 
 more nor less than a part of the folkways of past 
 generations. A couple is not bound together any 
 more securely simply because a few words have 
 been spoken over them by a minister or priest. If 
 they are not married at heart, a ritualistic cere- 
 mony is worthless. If they are not divinely united, 
 religious sanction is a mockery. If they truly love, 
 approval by the church and the state hardly seems 
 necessary, except as social regulation and restraint. 
 In the animal kingdom there is no such thing as 
 marriage. Mating, unrestrained by law or re- 
 ligion, is the basis of cohabitation. Only man is 
 so vile that the conventionality of marriage is a 
 necessity. 
 
 The tenets of conventionality occupy the center 
 of the stage in the social whirl of the world. Social 
 affairs such as teas, receptions, calls and other 
 nostrums which individuals who desire to move 
 among the *'smart sets" must take, are hopelessly 
 dominated by custom. In high social circles the 
 god of conventionality sits in royal splendor on 
 
The God of Conventionality 41 
 
 his all-commanding throne. All who enter his 
 sacred temple must worship at his feet. Especial- 
 ly must every debutante, every chaperone and 
 every hostess do obeisance before him. Whenever 
 his laws are transgressed, either by sins of omission 
 or by sins of commission, the sinners are cast into 
 outer darkness and there is weeping and wailing 
 and gnashing of teeth. All who aspire to be 
 "social climbers" must be armed to the teeth with 
 munitions more powerful than the mightiest muni- 
 tions of war. 
 
 Furthermore, all who would be victorious in 
 their social climb upward and who would belong 
 to the best of families must at all times dress, 
 speak and act in good taste. A breach of social 
 etiquette is unforgivable. Everyone must learn 
 to differentiate between good and bad form. Those 
 addicted to good form are usually characterized 
 as cultured and refined. It matters little whether 
 they have any brains or not. Those guilty of bad 
 form are dubbed common, uncultured, or eccentric. 
 All who would live in civilized society must be 
 artificial and unnatural, and act as the social lead- 
 ers dictate, — not as they would like to act. 
 
 Indeed the autocrats of fashion decree what sort 
 of clothes shall be worn, what sort of hand-shakes 
 shall be used and what sort of jewelry shall be ac- 
 ceptable. They pass on what sort of houses shall 
 
42 A Number of Things 
 
 be built, what sort of furniture shall be tasteful 
 and what sort of automobiles shall be driven. 
 They set forth what kind of conversation shall be 
 carried on, what kind of food shall be served and 
 what kind of amusement shall be popular. They 
 hold sway over myriads of other artificialities from 
 which civilized man can not escape. Whatever 
 such autocrats ordain, the apes of society must 
 follow. Hence all who would be civilized mortals 
 must be fictitious mortals. There is no place for 
 real men and real women in the social festivities 
 of the world. 
 
 The dogma of conventionality is a conspicuous 
 factor in the realm of economics. Custom per- 
 vades almost every phase of economic activity. 
 There are customary wages, prices, rates, stand- 
 ards of living, methods of competition, rules for 
 business conduct, and lines of goods. There are 
 trade customs, shipping customs, market customs, 
 and professional customs. The customary way of 
 doing things Is as prevalent in the management 
 of the world's business as are newsboys on busy 
 city streets. It stands out often as one of the 
 greatest obstacles in the road to economic better- 
 ment. It is a stubborn thing to overcome. It is 
 the basis of most of the opposition with which the 
 scientific reformer meets. As long as custom alone 
 determines economic conduct, the science of po- 
 litical economy is a miserable failure. 
 
The God of Conventionality 43 
 
 The doctrine of conventionality is the predomin- 
 ating theme in history. In a way the history of 
 man is the history of custom. Were customs elim- 
 inated from historical studies, the historians would 
 have to go out of business. Were traditions left 
 out of account, the origins of races and nations 
 would be without explanation. As a means for 
 interpreting the past, the institutions of the people 
 and their behavior as crystallized in their usual 
 methods of acting are the main sources of his- 
 torical information. According to such sources 
 former generations are found to have been just 
 about as conventional in their ways of thinking and 
 doing as are present generations. Without custom 
 as an explanation for the origin and development 
 of institutions and as an interpretation of the past, 
 the history of man's terrestrial existence is a hope- 
 less maze, a meaningless jumble and a gross ab- 
 surdity. 
 
 The worship of conventionality is the center of 
 gravity in law. Around custom law revolves. 
 Law started by custom, developed by custom, and 
 stands or falls largely by custom. In adjudica- 
 tions, precedent, not reason, is king. In judicial 
 decisions, similar cases, not justice, rule. With 
 judges, what other judges have decided has a 
 higher standing than the expressed wish of legisla- 
 tive bodies. Among Anglo-Saxon peoples the com- 
 
44 A Number of Things 
 
 mon law, which is nothing more nor less than a 
 body of rules resulting from long-continued usage, 
 is the final absolute standard with which all ques- 
 tions of jurisprudence must square. This blind 
 worship of conventionality stands in the way of 
 legislative reforms, gives rise to a judicial 
 oligarchy, and makes it almost impossible to 
 change constitutions and make legislative progress. 
 The tyrant of conventionality is the all-import- 
 ant figure in education. Education is secured, not 
 by original thinking or by following the lines in 
 which a student is most interested, but by swallow- 
 ing without a quiver certain conventionalized 
 courses prescribed by would-be educational dicta- 
 tors. The fundamental subjects, or main dishes, 
 according to many intellectuals and academic for- 
 malists, are Latin, Greek, Mathematics, Physics 
 and Chemistry. All other subjects are mere side 
 dishes. Unless seekers after truth fill their mental 
 stomachs with the tempting viands from the main 
 dishes they face intellectual starvation. Utilitarian 
 values are of little significance : they are an abom- 
 ination anyway and interfere with high thinking. 
 Cultural values are the values which men and 
 women must have in order to survive and be 
 happy. Cultural or conventional education, not 
 education for service, is more or less the prime 
 objective of the whole modern educational system. 
 
The God of Conventionality 45 
 
 The idol of conventionality is the chief object 
 of adoration in religion. In the church religious 
 pomp and ceremony have replaced religious fer- 
 vor. The forms of worship have been determined, 
 not by spiritual surges within the soul, but by tra- 
 dition. Even the God of our fathers has become 
 a traditional God. Those who worship Him must 
 worship Him in traditional spirit and truth. In 
 the best of churches there is no room for the poor 
 and unfortunate classes. Welcome is not accorded 
 them on account of their ignorance and poverty. 
 They have not the clothes that the good taste of 
 the church people would sanction. Only the well 
 dressed assemble themselves together to worship 
 God according to the dictates of conscience. No 
 wonder the church is not meeting the need of the 
 Twentieth Century. When the church turns from 
 form to the true God, then will the Christian re- 
 ligion gain greater favor. 
 
 The god of conventionality Is so entrenched In 
 every sphere of modern society that all are com- 
 pelled to render obedience to him. Men and 
 women alike are afraid to disobey his mandates. 
 If they have the courage to kick over the traces 
 they are immediately ostracised. If they do not 
 adhere strictly to the conventionality of marriage 
 they are condemned as libertines. If they do not 
 follow the rules of good social etiquette they are 
 
46 A Number of Things 
 
 branded as Illiterates or eccentrics. If they do not 
 support the established Institutions In economics, 
 history, law and education, they are reviled as 
 revolutionists. If they do not accept the orthodox 
 traditional type of religion they are damned as 
 vile sinners. 
 
 Indeed, whether human beings will or not, they 
 are forced to be subservient to the contemptible 
 god of conventionality. They are slaves to sense- 
 less and outgrown customs. Only by being Icon- 
 oclasts can they free themselves and rationalize 
 conduct. Only by being social outcasts can they 
 be real men and women. Only under the threat of 
 social banishment can they give free expression to 
 their personalities, develop their powers, and work 
 out their own destinies. 
 
CHAPTER V 
 
 THE PHILOSOPHY OF FITS 
 
 THERE are four kinds of fits connected with 
 the social and economic order. They are not 
 epileptic fits or cat fits. They are not love fits or 
 fits of jealousy. They are not "jiminy" fits or fits 
 of temper. They are not dog fits or rabies. They 
 are not fits of mobs or social disorders. They are 
 not religious fits or political fits. They are not 
 pacifist fits or preparedness fits. They are not 
 loquacious fits or vitriolic fits. They are not finan- 
 cial fits or financial crises. They are not even ben- 
 efits, though some of them produce benefits. The 
 four kinds of fits associated with the economic and 
 social order are the unfits, the misfits, the coun- 
 terfeits and the plain fits. 
 
 Paramount among the fits, from the standpoint 
 of social and economic loss, are the unfits. Unfits 
 there are In abundance in every rural community, 
 every village, every large town and every great 
 city, as well as in every business organization, of- 
 fice, enterprise and activity. There are the phy- 
 sically unfit, such as the congenitally deformed and 
 diseased persons, and persons incapacitated by 
 
 47 
 
48 A Number of Things 
 
 dissipation, environment, accident and war. There 
 are the mentally unfit, such as the feeble-minded, 
 the semi-idiots and totally insane persons, and 
 persons disqualified by prejudice, narrowness and 
 bigotry. There the politically unfit, such as an- 
 archists and radically inclined persons, and persons 
 incapable of understanding the need of govern- 
 ment and the necessity of governmental restraint. 
 There are the educationally unfit, such as illiterates 
 and hopelessly ignorant persons, and persons de- 
 void of all rational processes. 
 
 But these are not the only unfits. There are also 
 the socially unfit, such as criminals, highwaymen, 
 swindlers and vicious persons, and persons de- 
 prived of all sense of responsibility. There are 
 the industrially unfit, such as "we-wont work" In- 
 dividuals, *'unemployables," short-sighted enter- 
 prisers, price manipulators and positively dishonest 
 persons, and persons incapable of business in- 
 tegrity, high-minded business action, commercial 
 farsightedness and sound trade judgments. All of 
 these, whether the physically or the mentally unfit, 
 the politically or the educationally unfit, the In- 
 dustrially or the socially unfit, are economic and 
 social detriments, not economic and social aids. 
 
 If the unfits are economic and social losses what 
 action shall be taken concerning them? Shall they 
 be mercilessly rooted out of human society? For 
 
The Philosophy of Fits ^ 
 
 the majority of them there is but one answer, and 
 that answer is unanimously in the affirmative. 
 However, for the physical and educational unfits 
 and a part of the mental unfits a different answer 
 must be given. They are not to be cut off and that 
 without remedy. Instead, they arouse the sym- 
 pathy of all thinking men and women, and institu- 
 tions should be provided in which to keep them, 
 teach them and give them treatment. While there 
 are few permanent cures for them except for the 
 educational unfits, they are not to be utterly cast 
 out. Unfit goods are dumped upon the scrap 
 heap ; but such action is hardly justifiable concern- 
 ing human goods. Primitive man let the survival 
 of the fittest take its course ; but modern man aids 
 the unfortunate in every way possible. While as- 
 sistance should be rendered wherever needed, none 
 would argue that the physical, mental or even the 
 educational unfits should be allowed to reproduce 
 themselves and contaminate the coming genera- 
 tions. 
 
 In close relation to the unfits are the misfits. 
 Almost everywhere there are large numbers of the 
 misfits. There are misfits by birth, by accident, by 
 education and by environment. There are misfits 
 in the various professions, in the occupation of 
 farming and in the ministry. There are misfits 
 in banks, in railway offices, in brokerage firms, in 
 
so A Number of Things 
 
 publishing houses, in chambers of commerce, in 
 shipping companies and in manufacturing plants. 
 There are misfits in the form of fault finders, 
 knockers, grouches, pessimists, crepe hangers, mis- 
 anthropes and apostles of despair. There are 
 even misfit clothing stores. 
 
 Indeed the misfits wherever found are a peculiar 
 lot. They may be misfits because they are too 
 little or because they are too big, because they are 
 too intelligent or because they are too ignorant, 
 because they are too urban or because they are too 
 rural, because they are too energetic or because 
 they are too indolent, because they are too rich or 
 because they are too poor, or finally because they 
 are too capitalistic or because they are too so- 
 cialistic. Verily misfits are odd lobsters, and un- 
 profitable adjuncts in a world that strives to elim- 
 inate waste and attain the highest degree of effici- 
 ency. 
 
 Hence, like most of the unfits, the misfits must 
 go. Unless they can have the rough corners 
 knocked off, or unless they can be whittled down 
 or padded up so that they fit snugly into the posi- 
 tions which they occupy, there is no place for them 
 among civilized men. Unless the psychological 
 experts and devotees of vocational guidance can 
 remake them to order and in the future cut all of 
 them in strict accordance with occupational pat- 
 
The Philosophy of Fits 51 
 
 terns, they must be exterminated as pests. Unless 
 they can conform to the industrial, social and po- 
 litical scheme of things, or unless they can "shat- 
 ter It to bits and mold It nearer to the heart's de- 
 sire," they must be exiled to the Islands of oblivion. 
 Absolutely under no conditions are the detestable 
 beasts to reproduce their species and shackle the 
 world with their progeny. 
 
 Worse perhaps than both the misfits and the 
 unfits are the counterfeits. The misfits and the 
 unfits are at least genuine and are entities. The 
 counterfeits are not so : they are artificial and are 
 nonentities. They look real but they are deceptive. 
 They are like counterfeit coins. And just as there 
 is a vast difference between real dollars and coun- 
 terfeit dollars, so there is a vast difference be- 
 tween real persons and counterfeit persons. 
 
 In spite of this difference, however, there are 
 counterfeits galore. There are counterfeit states- 
 men, physicians, lawyers, farmers, teachers, mer- 
 chants, bankers, manufacturers, labor leaders, pa- 
 triots, salesmen, and even ministers. There are 
 counterfeit houses, roads, goods, books, jewels, 
 cars, merchandise, stocks, bonds, newspapers, ora- 
 tions, and even sermons. There are counterfeit 
 nations, alliances, wars, diplomats, and even peace 
 conferences. Without doubt the counterfeits are 
 as multitudinous as the stars, as pernicious as rot- 
 
52 A Number of Things 
 
 ten politics, as subtle as serpents, and as despicable 
 as Huns. 
 
 Whether the counterfeits are found in the in- 
 dustrial realm or in the social realm, in a religious 
 atmosphere or in a secular atmosphere, in na- 
 tional garb or in international garb, they must be 
 detected and inhibited. Just as counterfeiters of 
 money are outlawed and punished, so must coun- 
 terfeiters in other realms be outlawed and punish- 
 ed. Just as counterfeit coins and bills are denied 
 free circulation with real coins and bills, so must 
 counterfeit persons be denied free circulation with 
 real persons. What humanity needs is not com- 
 mercial, political, educational and religious shams, 
 but commercial, political, educational and religious 
 realities. What the international future portends 
 is not international hypocricies, intrigues, terri- 
 torial aggressions, secret treaties and Mittel 
 Europas, but international openness, justice, free- 
 dom and peace. 
 
 In transcendent superiority to the unfits, mis- 
 fits and counterfeits are the plain fits. They and 
 they alone are the true workers of the world. They 
 are the modern giants and are as genuine as pure 
 gold. They fit into their places and do whatever 
 they are called upon to do. Whatever their hands 
 find to do that is useful they do it with all their 
 might. They are found in business organizations, 
 
The Philosophy of Fits 53 
 
 in governments, in the practice of law and medi- 
 cine, in schools, in armies, in navies, in homes, in 
 labor unions, in export houses, in social settle- 
 ments, in scientific investigations, in peace parleys, 
 and in leagues of nations. At all times they are 
 defenders of the right, carriers of the banners of 
 justice, and toilers for the common good of man. 
 
 The plain fits are the world's producers. They 
 bring forth the raw materials from the farms, the 
 mines, the forests, the rivers and the seas. They 
 turn out the finished goods from the factories, the 
 mills, the shops and the founderies. They run the 
 wagons, the trucks, the locomotives and the ships 
 with which to supply the necessaries and comforts 
 of life to the uttermost ends of the earth. They 
 construct the public buildings, the warehouses, the 
 elevators, the manufacturing plants, the retail 
 stores and the skyscrapers with which to carry on 
 trade and commerce. They shape the metals, cut 
 the stones, plane the lumber, and operate the ma- 
 chines by which man makes progress and advances 
 in his conquest over nature. In fact they constitute 
 the axis upon which the whole world of production 
 rotates. 
 
 The plain fits are also the nation's true citizens. 
 They shirk no responsibilities. They give their 
 full measure of devotion to the flag. They dodge 
 no honestly assessed taxes, no local, state or na- 
 
54 ^ Number of Things 
 
 tional duties, and no demands that are in the in- 
 terests of the whole people. They are absolute 
 supporters of law and order. While they welcome 
 all changes for the better, still they are not carried 
 away by every new doctrine or theory that comes 
 along. When they are convinced that there are 
 defects in the existing order and when they are 
 sure that they are right in trying to remove them, 
 they go ahead regardless of hazards, costs or 
 sacrifices. They are neither mossback conserva- 
 tive^ nor redhot radicals, but are rather sane mid- 
 dle-grounders following a safe and certain course 
 of advancement. They stand against the tyranny 
 of an autocratic minority and for the rights and 
 rule of an intelligent majority. To them the public 
 interest is at all times paramount. In them lies 
 the destiny of the whole nation. 
 
 Moreover, the plain fits never complain. If 
 their jobs are not right they make them right. If 
 their environments are not suitable they make 
 them suitable. If a vice crusade is necessary they 
 start it and fight it to a finish. If city halls need 
 political ventilation, they ventilate. If national 
 resources need development, they develop them. 
 If new industries are desirable they institute them 
 and make them succeed. If attractive foreign 
 markets are to be discovered, they discover them. 
 If improved facilities for railway and ocean trans- 
 
The Philosophy of Fits 55 
 
 portation are imperative, they provide them. If 
 wars against arbitrary might and power must be 
 waged, they wage them and wage them without 
 desire for personal gain. If government loans 
 must be floated, they float them. In short, the 
 plain fits are the drive wheels in the whole mechan- 
 ism of human society. 
 
 Out of the four classes of fits, then, the unfits, 
 the misfits and the counterfeits are unworthy of 
 perpetuation. Only the plain fits are desirable. 
 Whenever the unfits, misfits and counterfeits can 
 be transformed into plain fits, such transformation 
 is much to be desired. Otherwise, with the excep- 
 tion of teaching the educational unfits and giving 
 aid and comfort to the physical and a few of the 
 mental unfits, the unfits, the misfits and the counter- 
 feits are to be thrown out, deported, or in some 
 way disposed of. In their stead the plain fits must 
 be given ascendency. Upon them and upon them 
 alone rests the salvation of the whole human race. 
 
CHAPTER VI 
 
 THE VARIOUS KINDS OF FREAKS 
 
 THE abode of man Is afflicted with freaks. 
 Though not existing in large proportions, they 
 are all too abundant for profitable purposes. They 
 greatly militate against the greatest good to the 
 greatest numbers. They are completely out of 
 harmony and out of step with the best interests of 
 the whole. They are hopelessly at variance with 
 social ends. They are drawbacks, burdens and 
 shackles to world betterment. They are Gibral- 
 ters of opposition, "mountains of wearisome 
 heights,'* and deserts of despair to the establish- 
 ment of a better order of things. Of all earth's 
 accoutrements, they are the most unprofitable, 
 the most peculiar, the most phenomenal and the 
 most unnatural. 
 
 The origin of freaks is a profound mystery. 
 How they came to be is a puzzle of puzzles. Of 
 what elements they are composed is beyond chemi- 
 cal analysis. The why of their structure is more 
 or less a baffle to scientists. Some of them are 
 simply born freaks, or are the result of accident 
 and bits of by-play on the part of nature; some 
 
 56 
 
The Various Kinds of Freaks 57 
 
 acquire freakishness or come into being by con- 
 scious self-development ; while some have freakish- 
 ness thrust upon them, or are the victims of cir- 
 cumstances. In whatever way they came into ex- 
 istence, they are simply freaks and nothing but 
 freaks. They can no more change their nature 
 than a leopard can change his spots or an Ethio- 
 pian his color. Right there their case rests with all 
 finality. 
 
 There are several kinds of freaks to which the 
 earth has given birth. First of all there are bio- 
 logical freaks. Biologically there are freak calves, 
 dogs, pigs, and horses. There are freak animals 
 of the plains and freak beasts of the jungle. There 
 are freak plants, — trees, vegetables and flowers. 
 There are freak babies, freak men and freak wo- 
 men. All of these, whether among plants or 
 among animals, are freaks with regard to struc- 
 ture. They are structural mistakes or errors. 
 They are morphologically irregular, off-side, out 
 of order. They are simply physiological abnor- 
 malities and variations from type, and are in a 
 class all to themselves. 
 
 There are masculine freaks. None would deny 
 their existence. They are constantly bustling 
 about. In almost every place they may be seen 
 moving hither and thither. They are freaks, not 
 with regard to form or physique, but only with re- 
 
58 A Number of Things 
 
 gard to habit and conduct. Their chief character- 
 istics are semi-idiocy, peculiarity in thought, speech 
 and action, the faculty of making colossal mistakes, 
 and frequent resorts to assininity in general. They 
 look like rational creatures but looks are only 
 skin deep. They possess normal bodies, but nor- 
 mal bodies sometimes contain worthless souls. 
 They are just the stupid simpletons and incor- 
 rigible blunderers of the world roving around out- 
 side of asylums, thinking themselves somebody 
 when they are not, and constantly disturbing the 
 peace and happiness of those who try to uphold 
 sanity and exemplify rationality. Indeed mascu- 
 line freaks are intolerable burdens on society. 
 
 There are feminine freaks. Of all freaks they 
 are possibly the most freakish. They are not 
 freaks by inheritance, wealth, beauty or social 
 position. They are not freaks even by social con- 
 demnation or disapproval. They are freaks be- 
 cause they cannot avoid being freaks, because they 
 are instinctively driven to freakishness, or be- 
 cause they think freakishness is desirable and at- 
 tractive. They just adore playing enigmatic roles. 
 They have ravenous appetites for keeping mere 
 men guessing. They are gormandizers of that 
 which is different or that which makes them stand 
 out distinctly from other women. They glory in 
 the wiles with which they attract or rope in their 
 
The Various Kinds of Freaks 59 
 
 male opposites. They make use of various kinds 
 of would-be witchery in order to turn the heads 
 and upset the hearts of masculine weaklings. They 
 chatter about anything and everything with about 
 as much common sense as a jay bird. Their lack 
 of connection between the tongue and the brain, 
 if they have any brains, is responsible for the 
 popular dictum "nobody home." Truly feminine 
 freaks are the most freakish of freaks. 
 
 There are fashion or sartorial freaks. They 
 know little of the art of dressing. They have lit- 
 tle or no acquaintanceship with good taste. They 
 choose the oldest as well as the most stylish of 
 clothes. They wear the most gaudy as well as the 
 most sombre of colors. They cover their bodies 
 with the cleanest as well as the filthiest of raiment. 
 They patronize the most expensive as well as the 
 most inexpensive of tailors, or no tailors at all. 
 Among them are numbered the society fops, 
 "dandies," vampires, and society belles, as well as 
 sloven scrub women, untidy cooks, cheap chorus 
 girls, brainless dance hall habitues, conspirators 
 against harmonious colors, and total pressing shop 
 abstainers. All of these should have administered 
 to them wisely and in large and frequent doses a 
 sound philosophy of the origin, evolution and pur- 
 pose of clothes. 
 
 There are intellectual freaks. They just dote 
 
6o A Number of Things 
 
 on intellectuality. They feed upon it. They see 
 nothing else. They forget to eat, keep appoint- 
 ments, pay bills, dress properly, and attend to their 
 families. They never look outside of books. They 
 are earth's bookworms, bibliomaniacs, and hoard- 
 ers of knowledge. They ignore all things ma- 
 terial. They live solely in the realm of the mind. 
 Beyond libraries they never go. They know about 
 as much about the big busy world of facts as a 
 chimpanzee knows about the Aurora Borealis. 
 They have about as much interest in human affairs 
 as a grasshopper has in astronomy. They are 
 about as productive of tangible results as an 
 Egyptian mummy. They are about as useful to 
 the world as a thousand legs would be to a bulldog. 
 Hence all praise to the intellectual freaks. Mani- 
 fold are the useless blessings which they bestow 
 upon mankind. 
 
 There are musical freaks. They exist either 
 in order to create harmony or to absorb harmony. 
 To them all the rest of the world is dross. Wheth- 
 er composers or absorbers, vocalists or instru- 
 mentalists, they rave about sound waves, stirring 
 strains, heights of sublimity, the singing together 
 of the morning stars, and the music of the spheres. 
 Among them the creators of music are especially 
 peculiar. They are frequently characterized by 
 long hair, odd apparel, temperaments and general 
 
The Various Kinds of Freaks 6i 
 
 conspicuousness. They are not naturally given to 
 idiosyncrasies, but musical traditions must be main- 
 tained. To add insult to injury they are petted, 
 pampered and encouraged in their caprices by 
 those who consume their commodities. While 
 there is no kick upon the goods which these whim- 
 sical animals produce, yet there are a few who 
 would like to have their music, good music, even 
 the best of music, with less frills and foibles. 
 
 There are theological freaks. They pervade 
 the whole realm of religion. They are the dicta- 
 torial dogmatists who arrogate to themselves the 
 right to be omnipotent interpreters of all things 
 spiritual. They are ''the wise old owls sitting on 
 the dead limb of knowledge hooting the same old 
 hoots that have been hooted" for almost two thou- 
 sand years. They are "the Holy Rollers," "the 
 Holy Jumpers," the divine healers, the seers of 
 visions, the recipients of supernatural gifts. They 
 are the supreme upholders of the faith, the stand- 
 ard bearers of all light. They are the religious 
 meddlers who deem it their most sacred duty^ to 
 arraign the doubters, the sinners and the material- 
 ists with the bitterest invectives. They are abso- 
 lute strangers to practical service. Their way is 
 the way of "piousity." They suffer man's sojourn 
 here below, not to make the world better and 
 nobler but to discipline their souls and prepare 
 
62 A Number of Things 
 
 themselves for the life to come. Too good, too 
 holy, and too saintly are they for the sinful mor- 
 tals, the baffling problems and the irrepressible 
 conflicts of the earth. 
 
 There are nervous freaks. They are the most 
 agitated of freaks. They labor under great nervous 
 tension. They are likely to go to pieces at the 
 slightest noise. They are high strung, super- 
 sensitive, easily overwrought. In action they close- 
 ly resemble jumping jacks. They cannot be still. 
 They walk the floor, they throw their arms, they 
 twist their fingers. To them children are a terror, 
 waiting is an outrage, criticism is a horror, and 
 interference is a fatal provocation. They are de- 
 void of all self-control. If their wishes are thwart- 
 ed in any way they lose their temper, they fly Into 
 a rage, they become hysterical. They are the 
 natural results of the growing complexities of 
 modern life. They have arisen with the Increasing 
 push and excitement of an advancing civilization, 
 and have developed a brand new, up-to-date, more 
 or less distinctively American disease of the nerv- 
 ous system known as neurasthenia. Undoubtedly, 
 freaks of the neurotic color or fiber are pitiable 
 spectacles and are In a bad way. 
 
 There are Industrial freaks. Chief among them 
 are financial panics, such freaks being not per- 
 manent financial ailments but rather temporary 
 
The Various Kinds of Freaks 63 
 
 financial abnormalities. Also there are freak en- 
 terprises, promoters and corporations. There are 
 freak business men, bank failures and investments. 
 There are freak contracts, discriminations and 
 methods of doing business. There are freaks in 
 the rise and fall of market prices, in speculations 
 on stock exchanges and in reorganizations and re- 
 ceiverships. There are freak industrial accidents, 
 labor leaders, and theories concerning industrial 
 ownership and operations. Finally, there are in- 
 dustrial freaks known as radicals, bolshevists, reds, 
 revolutionists, ad finitum. 
 
 Lastly, there are freaks among the nations. 
 There are freak nationalities, national customs 
 and traditions, and national characteristics. There 
 are freaks as dreamers of world dominion and 
 schemers against the international order. There 
 are freaks as disturbers of international peace and 
 as enemies to international stability. There are 
 freaks as fomenters of internal strife, and instiga- 
 tors of border raids and depredations. There are 
 freaks as racial survivors and worshippers of an- 
 cestry. There are freaks as originators of soviet- 
 ism and contenders for world-wide proletarianism. 
 There are freaks as international braggarts and 
 hot air specialists. Without question there are 
 freaks in the midst of the family of nations. 
 
 All hail therefore to the world's freaks and 
 
64 A Number of Things 
 
 monstrosities. Whether biological or masculine, 
 feminine or sartorial, intellectual or musical, the- 
 ological or neurotic, industrial or international, 
 they are earth's most fruitless, eccentric and mi- 
 raculous offspring. 
 
CHAPTER VII 
 
 THE WHY OF TOBACCO 
 
 THOSE who use tobacco like it. If they did 
 not like it, in all probability they would not 
 use it. True, their taste for it has been cultivated 
 or acquired. Instinct played no part in the matter. 
 They did not take to the stuff as a duck takes to 
 water. They did not come into the world with the 
 habit in full bloom. They had to learn it, and 
 ofttimes the learning was at the expense of nausea 
 and disquietude of the stomach. But whether 
 they learned the habit with ease or with difficulty, 
 the important thing to remember is that they 
 learned it. They simply have a liking for the 
 weed: and if they like it none should through 
 prejudice deny them the pleasure of its enjoyment. 
 Tobacco has been wilfully and maliciously sland- 
 ered. Many there are who have pronounced a curse 
 upon it. They have ranked it more or less as a twin 
 evil with booze; and since booze has gone they 
 insist that tobacco likewise must go. They seem to 
 think that tobacco was concocted by the imps of 
 hell and shoved upon the world as a baneful in- 
 
 6s 
 
66 A Number of Things 
 
 fluence upon humanity. They talk as though it 
 were to be shunned as a rattlesnake or a deadly 
 poison. They rave about shattered nerves, weak 
 hearts, cancerous lips, poisoned stomachs and be- 
 fogged brains. They attribute numerous ills to 
 its effects upon the physical organism. Their whole 
 attack is an attack bristling with malice, slander 
 and unjustifiable reproach. It is high time that 
 such an attack were repulsed. Too long has the 
 nicotine god been assailed, cursed and condemned. 
 He is outraged; his anger must be appeased. His 
 devotees must come to his support and glorify his 
 name, his purpose and his soothing power. 
 
 That tobacco has its harmful effects upon the 
 body may be true. Its calumniators may be right 
 in all they claim; yet its supporters like it. Their 
 bodies seem to build up an antitoxin to counteract 
 its evil influence. Old men there are in abundance 
 who have been addicted to its use for decades, and 
 yet they are healthy and blessed with longevity. 
 They have worshipped unceasingly at the tobacco 
 shrine, yet they are free from tobacco curses. 
 Therefore praise ye the weed, ye defamers of its 
 effects upon man. Cease your harangues against 
 its use and possession. Those who like it perhaps 
 represent the survival of the fittest, and will con- 
 tinue to embrace it, praise it and enjoy it. 
 
The Why of Tobacco 67 
 
 Tobacco Is a filthy weed, 
 
 I like it, 
 
 It satisfies no normal need, 
 
 I like it. 
 
 It makes you fat, it makes you lean. 
 
 It takes the hair right ofiF your bean. 
 
 It's the worst darn stuff I've ever seen, 
 
 I like it. 
 
 While tobacco may be characterized by its op- 
 ponents as a filthy weed, such characterization is 
 hardly fair. Tobacco is not a filthy weed. Nature 
 does not grow filthy weeds. Even the stagnant 
 lake grows water lilies. Weeds once thought to be 
 filthy and worthless have been found to be bene- 
 ficial. By experimentation with them medicinal 
 qualities have been discovered which help to re- 
 pel disease and perpetuate the species. Even 
 poisonous weeds used properly are life savers. 
 Filth is not thrust upon human beings in the form 
 of tobacco. The origin and exhibition of filth 
 lies not in tobacco but in man. 
 
 Tobacco is a stinking weed, 
 
 I like it. 
 
 A goat upon it will not feed, 
 
 I like it. 
 
 It makes you shake, it makes you quake, 
 
 It makes you have an awful ache. 
 
 It's the worst darn stuff I ever take, 
 
 I like it. 
 
 Tobacco, however, Is not a stinking weed. It is 
 a stench only in the nostrils of those who villlfy it. 
 
68 A Number of Things 
 
 It has a sweet-smelling savor for those who love 
 it. It produces pleasant dreams — pipe dreams. It 
 arouses memories of past friends and places. It 
 recalls dinners in cafes where discontented and 
 whimsical pleasure seekers congregated for amuse- 
 ment. It recalls banquets, journeys across the 
 country in smoking cars, and interesting conversa- 
 tions where smoke, sweet tobacco smoke, was the 
 evidence of good cheer and fellowship. It re- 
 calls comfort kits and life in the trenches. It 
 recalls old women of Kentucky and Tennessee 
 sitting by the fireplace smoking their old clay pipes. 
 It recalls the toilers in the tobacco factories and 
 the all-the-year-around labor of the tobacco grow- 
 ers. Truly, the fumes of tobacco bring back 
 myriads of memories. It is a stinking weed only 
 to those who despise It. Its smell is as welcome 
 as the fragrance of the lily to those who are de- 
 voted to it. 
 
 Tobacco is not a twin evil with Intoxicants. 
 There is little or no comparison between them. 
 Tobacco affects only the individual man, while 
 liquor affects not only the individual man but also 
 his family and society. Tobacco does not produce 
 want and misery, while liquor produces both, and 
 often produces them in their most shameful form. 
 Tobacco does not make a fool of a man, while 
 liquor does make a fool of him and a big fool at 
 
The Why of Tobacco 69 
 
 that. Tobacco does not send people to insane 
 asylums, while liquor does send them there, and 
 often as complete physical wrecks. Tobacco does 
 not cause a man to beat his wife, while liquor does 
 sometimes cause him to beat her and beat her un- 
 mercifully. Tobacco does not fill jails and prisons 
 with its followers, while liquor has been the princi- 
 pal contributor to the establishment and main- 
 tenance of the whole penal system. Tobacco does 
 cost money, but it does not actuate a man to blow 
 his whole week's wages on Saturday night at cigar 
 stores. Tobacco therefore is not an evil of the 
 same magnitude as booze, and those who allege 
 that it is are guilty of shallowness, ignorance and 
 error. 
 
 Tobacco is a promoter of contentment. It opens 
 the door to a world of joy and sunshine. It in- 
 duces a quiet and repose that is immeasurable. It 
 is the pleasantest weed in the weed kingdom. 
 
 Tiobacco is a pleasant weed, 
 
 I like it. 
 
 It soothes your nerves if it you'll heed, 
 
 I like it. 
 
 It makes you sad, it makes you glad, 
 
 It drives away all fear of bad, 
 
 It's the worst darn stufE I've ever had, 
 
 I like it. 
 
 Tobacco is a pleasant and not an unpleasant 
 weed. It calms the nerves, smoothes the ruffled 
 
76 A Number of Things 
 
 feelings, and stimulates the mind. It drives out 
 despondency and gloom, provides companionship, 
 and brings about the dreaming of dreams and the 
 seeing of visions. Foolish beyond measure are 
 they who would prohibit the privilege of its peace- 
 ful and seductive influence. 
 
 Tobacco is a commodity of great economic 
 value. Millions of dollars' worth of it are brought 
 forth every year. To prohibit its growth, manu- 
 facture and sale would destroy an industry of 
 huge proportions. It would necessitate the shift- 
 ing of much capital. Tobacco warehouses would 
 have to be scrapped or used for other purposes. 
 Tobacco growers would have to substitute other 
 crops and practically re-learn the art of farming. 
 Thousands of tobacco tenants would be forced to 
 become mere farm hands and lose their chance of 
 becoming land owners. Those who have bought 
 land and are depending upon the cultivation of 
 tobacco to pay for it would face the question of 
 bankruptcy. Land values would decrease since in 
 tobacco states they rise and fall with the rise and 
 fall of the price of tobacco. A big source of reve- 
 nue would be cut off. In fact, if tobacco prohibi- 
 tion were to become an actuality, the results would 
 be destructive almost beyond calculation. 
 
 Tobacco is a luxury, not a necessity. While the 
 land upon which it is grown might be used to pro- 
 
The Why of Tobacco 71 
 
 duce necessities, yet the area cultivated Is so small 
 In proportion to the total area of the earth that 
 It Is practically negligible. Even were all to- 
 bacco lands utilized for growing food products 
 there would probably be no appreciable effect on 
 the world's total food supply. In all likelihood, 
 more quantity with regard to value can be secured 
 per acre from tobacco than from any other agricul- 
 tural commodity. While tobacco Is a luxury, It Is 
 a luxury that pays its producers well and at the 
 same time takes up very little of the earth's land 
 area. 
 
 Moreover, tobacco Is a luxury for the poor man 
 as well as for the rich man. Unlike most luxuries, 
 it is In reach of all regardless of wealth. It Is no 
 respecter of persons. It finds its way Into the 
 hovel as well as Into the palace. It takes up its 
 abode In overalls as well as in broadcloth. It is 
 consumed by common citizens as well as by presi- 
 dents, by peasants as well as by kings. It is a 
 companion of the laborer as well as of the capital- 
 ist. It occupies a prominent position at the meet- 
 ings of employees as well as of employers. In- 
 deed, It is a friend that sticketh closer than a 
 brother, a comfort that is almost Indispensable, 
 and a luxury that is common to all men. 
 
 Furthermore, both the growing and the manu- 
 facturing of tobacco are productive industries. 
 
72 A Number of Things 
 
 There Is nothing parasitic about them. The goods 
 which they create have utility. They are goods 
 that have the capacity to gratify human wants and 
 if industries produce goods which gratify human 
 wants they can in no wise be characterized as un- 
 productive. On that score there is no dispute 
 among economists. Only enterprises turning out 
 neither commodities nor services for the satisfac- 
 tion of wants are unproductive. When industries 
 produce time, place, form and possession utilities, 
 no question is raised concerning their utility. Proof 
 is hardly needed to demonstrate that the whole 
 business of cultivating and manufacturing tobacco 
 creates at least a form utility, and therefore comes 
 within the category of productive industries. 
 
 Tobacco, then, justifies its existence by its utility. 
 Its consumption brings pleasure, a great deal of 
 pleasure, to mankind. While its opponents may at- 
 tack it as a filthy, harmful, stinking weed, yet its 
 proponents like it, worship it, and find it a very 
 present help in time of trouble. That is their only 
 justification for its possession, use and enjoyment. 
 That and that alone is the why of tobacco. 
 
; , CHAPTER VIH 
 
 THE COSTS OF WAITING 
 
 THE inhabitants of the earth are born to wait. 
 Before they make their advent into the world, 
 they have to wait for their parents to decide to 
 give them birth. When they make their first ap- 
 pearance they have to wait to be clothed. As 
 children they have to wait to be fed. As youths 
 they have to wait to be educated. As young men 
 and young women they have to wait to be in- 
 stalled into a business or a profession, or into a 
 kitchen or a home. As old men and old women 
 they have to wait to die. Waiting is the lot of all 
 human beings. Throughout life's cycle stand men 
 and women, — abject creatures in waiting. 
 
 Indeed men and women spend most of their 
 earthly existence in waiting. They wait for meals, 
 trains, street cars, and taxicabs. They wait for 
 elevators, for parades and for bands and orches- 
 tras to play. They wait for mail, newspapers and 
 telegrams. They wait for doctors, lawyers and 
 dentists. They wait for rain, for sunshine and for 
 darkness. They wait for stores, banks and busi- 
 ness houses to open. They wait for telephone con- 
 
 73 
 
74 ^ Number of Things 
 
 nections, for church to begin and for women to 
 dress. They wait their turn at barber shops, ticket 
 windows and important gatherings. They wait 
 for reforms to come and for political conditions to 
 change. They wait for improvements in health, 
 in business, in government and in nations. They 
 wait for tips on the stock market, for opportuni- 
 ties to achieve success, and for the realization of 
 millennial dreams. 
 
 Such waiting is at tremendous costs. It results 
 in great loss. In fact such loss or such prodigality 
 in the use of time is alarming. For each individual 
 there are only twenty-four hours of time each day. 
 If the time passed in sleep and recreation is added 
 to the time expended in waiting, there is little left 
 for serious labors. Often there is complaint of 
 the long hours that men and women are forced 
 to toil. Such complaint is based on error. Those 
 who work, whether by hand or by brain, do not 
 actually labor long hours. If the hours consumed 
 in waiting each day be deducted from the total 
 number of hours worked, there would be little 
 argument for eight-hour laws. Not long hours 
 actually worked, but long minutes stretching out 
 into hours actually waited is the real problem. 
 That is the real trouble with industry and with 
 the world. It is not man's duty so much to reduce 
 the number of hours actually labored as to reduce 
 
The Costs of Waiting 75 
 
 the number of hours uselessly consumed in delay in 
 waiting. 
 
 So pronounced is waiting as an attribute of 
 modern life that it has been duplicated in many 
 instances for man's special benefit. For sharing 
 the misery of those who are forced to wait, and 
 for lightening their burdens as much as possible, 
 special persons and contrivances have been pro- 
 vided. As examples of this, there are waiters in 
 fashionable cafes, restaurants and chop suey 
 houses. There are waiters in lunch rooms, soup 
 kitchens and railway diners. There are waiters in 
 the form of butlers, footmen, chamber maids and 
 porters. There are waiters in the form of clerks, 
 attendants and cashiers. There are waiting rooms 
 in office buildings, department stores and railway 
 stations. It Is not enough for mortals to have to 
 wait: waiting specialists have been furnished to 
 wait with them or to wait on them, and luxurious 
 places have been prepared in which to while away 
 the tedious hours of waiting. 
 
 All of these things which are allied with the 
 phenomenon of waiting are costly. Not only must 
 individuals pay for waiting by discomfiture and 
 loss of time, but also they must pay for the ma- 
 chinery by which waiting Is made more agreeable 
 and less burdensome. Those who serve at hotels, 
 dining rooms, stores, banks, libraries and such 
 
76 A Number of Things 
 
 places must receive wages. These wages are pro- 
 vided ultimately by those who are served. There 
 are times even when tips must be added to get any 
 service at all. Also, those who use waiting room 
 facilities must pay a return on the capital Invested 
 in such facilities by paying increased prices and 
 fares. Hence, while the sting. Impatience and 
 agitation of waiting has been somewhat relieved, 
 yet the total costs of waiting In money, time and 
 sacrifice have been actually more or less increased, 
 and man Is worse off than before. 
 
 Another cost of waiting, though widely differ- 
 ent, involves the idea of Interest payment. The 
 Idea is advanced that those who save capital and 
 Invest It sacrifice present for future wants, and 
 postpone the consumption of the fruits of their 
 toil. As a result they wait for a future time in 
 which to use that which they have produced. This 
 necessitates abstinence, sacrifice and pain, since 
 immediate consumption is more desirable than 
 future consumption. To compensate those who 
 wait and sacrifice present for future wants. Interest 
 Is paid. While this Is not the only justification for 
 the payment of interest on capital. It is at least 
 one of the big reasons for such payment and rep- 
 resent a part of the total costs of waiting. In a 
 word the theory simply shows that the accumula- 
 tion of capital goods with which to run the in- 
 
The Costs of Waiting 77 
 
 dustrles of the world depends upon waiting, and 
 this waiting like all other waiting costs something. 
 For ages the world waited for civilization. Ac- 
 cording to the theory of evolution, thousands of 
 prehistoric centuries passed before Mother Nature 
 gave birth to man. Thousands of centuries more 
 passed before man became enlightened, intelligent 
 and rational. Through these long periods of wait- 
 ing modern improvements were unknown. Only 
 after cycles of laborious struggle did machinery 
 appear. Then a multiplicity of modern inventions 
 were ushered in, and man's life became resplendent 
 with dignity, beauty and glory. The earth and the 
 fulness thereof was transformed from a desert in- 
 habited by savage tribes to a possible garden of 
 roses inhabited by brothers. Truly, for long ages 
 the world has waited, fretted and sweated for 
 civilization. But it has not waited, fretted and 
 sweated in vain. Civilization has come. While 
 it is still harassed and held back by wars and 
 rumors of wars, such are only the growing pains of 
 youth. After another prolonged period of wait- 
 ing the age of universal peace will dawn. 
 
 But civilization for which man waited so long 
 is not an unmixed blessing. With it has come 
 capitalistic production and all of its attendant evils. 
 The masses of humanity must still wait for the 
 eradication of these evils and for the time when 
 
78 A Number of Things 
 
 the yoke of industrial oppression will be thrown 
 off. They must wait, and if some employers had 
 their way, wait for a long time without murmur 
 for the establishment of industrial as well as po- 
 litical democracy. They must wait but labor while 
 they wait for the actual democratization of in- 
 dustry and for a voice in the management of in- 
 dustrial as well as political affairs. They must 
 wait, but while waiting they must fight bloodlessly 
 with all their might for the industrial as well as 
 the political ballot. It may be that the last long 
 wait of mankind is for the coming of economic 
 liberties, the working out of equal economic op- 
 portunities and the application of democratic 
 principles to all human activities. 
 
 Often, however, human beings wait and nothing 
 comes. They wait for success and the stubborn 
 mistress eludes them. They work hard and wait 
 for wealth and die as paupers. They wait for the 
 appreciation of their efforts but are doomed to 
 disappointment. They wait for the adoption of 
 their reforms but their reforms fall flat. They 
 wait for a golden opportunity to strike a world 
 blow that will demonstrate their genius but the 
 opportunity never comes. They wait for justice 
 but are given injustice. They wait for love but 
 receive hate. They wait to behold beauty but 
 behold ugliness. They wait for bread but are 
 
The Costs of Waiting 79 
 
 given stones. They wait for their children to bless 
 them but their children are profligate and curse 
 them. They wait for the flowers to bloom but the 
 worms eat out the flowers' buds. They wait for a 
 restoration of health but they die. Often, all too 
 often, men and women wait but nothing comes. 
 
 In waiting there are two alternatives. One can 
 wait patiently or one can wait impatiently. The 
 former is hard: the latter is easy. Anyone can 
 be impatient : only genuine men and women can be 
 patient. While waiting impatiently for what one 
 thinks he deserves, it is easy to rave against the 
 cruelty of fate. This is the first resort of grumb- 
 lers. But those who calmly accept their lot and 
 "wait, meekly wait and murmur not" are gods in 
 the making. Impatience is their last resort. If 
 they are impatient at all it is a righteous impatience 
 expressed because of unjust delay. All who would 
 truly live must shun impatience and learn the 
 difficult lesson of patience. They must toil on 
 without murmur to the end. If the end is dis- 
 appointing or indicates ruin still they are to hold 
 up their heads, abide by the consequences, try 
 again, and even endeavor to turn their failures 
 into successes. 
 
 Generally, if those who are compelled to wait 
 pass patiently through the period of waiting they 
 find joy. When the waiting time is over and 
 
A Number of Things 80 
 
 there comes a turn In the tide of their affairs, they 
 are happy beyond description. It is impossible to 
 measure the genuine delight that flows into their 
 hearts from the first knowledge of success after 
 long and strenuous toil. Thrice blessed are they 
 when the clouds of delay begin to scatter and the 
 sunlight of a new day dawns. Sublime indeed is 
 the thrill that passes through them from the real- 
 ization of their dreams after they have hoped al- 
 most against hope for many weary hours, days, 
 months or years. Indeed they are like new crea- 
 tures. They behold new visions. A new light is 
 shed upon their pathway. Their world is a world 
 of smiles. They can tackle earth's hardest jobs 
 with renewed energy and courage. They stand at 
 the supreme moment in their upward struggle for 
 higher atmospheres. 
 
 Waiting, then, is the lot of all human beings. 
 It costs the world millions of dollars annually. 
 It costs also in the loss of time, discomfiture and 
 painful agitation. Its elimination all together, or 
 at least a reduction in its costs, is the problem of 
 problems for world solution. When it is reduced 
 to a minimum, or when it ceases to exist entirely, 
 then will the world have thrown off one of its 
 worst obstacles. Then will the world be able to 
 attain the maximum of efliciency. 
 
iliilll 
 
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