\l^S3 J 5 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 014 549 841 7 # Hollinger Corp. pH 8.5 "MAKE-UP" BOOK— HOW TO 'MAKEUP." A practical guide Amateurs, with Twenty-three colored Illustrations. Price 50 cenls Nk CCCXX. FRENCH'S IVilNOR DRAMA. PR 5834 .W53 T5 Copy 1 A TERRIBLE TINKER! A FARCE^N ONE ACT, By THOMAS J. VVilLlAMS, Esq.. MEMBER OF THE DRA uATIC AUTHORS' SOCIETY. AUTHOB OP ••Icl on Parle," "Old Gooseberry," "Who is Who? or. All in a Fog," "Tho -Beep Show Man." Tweedleton's Tail Co ;*." -Turn Him Out." "The Better Half," "My Wife's Maid," "The Trials of "} ->inpkins," "Jack's Delight," "An Ugly Customer," "ISursey Chickweed," "C i 2nd Otf," "A Race for a Widow," I've Written to Brown," "Peace and Quioi;," "Ruth Oakley," "(^ssip, Truth and •Fiction," "Cruel to be Kind," "The Siient System," "A Charming Pair," "The Little Sentinel." "The Desert Flov cr," Little Daisy," ««My Dress Boots," "Pipkin's Rustic Retreat," "My Tuin Next," "F>und In a Four- Wheeler," "Larkin'H Love Letters," "Lion Slaytr ; or. Out for a Prowll" "Dandelion'g Dodges," "A. Cure for the Fidgets," "A Silent Protector," "One Too Many for Him," "Who's to Win Him?" "Flo' Firtt Frolic," "The Volunteer Review; or. the Little Man in Green/' etc., etc.. etc. Ni:\V YORK: K^AMUEL FRENCH & SOF, PUBXilSHEKS, 3fc East 14th St., Union S(j\iare, LONDON : Samuel French, PUBIiISHKR. 8© STiiA.NI3. Containing Rouge, Pearl Powder, Whit:?r, Mongolian, Ruddy Rouge, Violet rrn«Mer, Box and l>uff; Chrome, Blue, Burnt Co: k. -enoils for the eyelid^. Spirit Gum, T .;" ' Camfel Hair Bru;ihes, Hare'S Font, Wooi, C:aped Hair, Cold Cream, Joining • iatm-e Puffs, Scissors and Looking Gkiss, T>acbed neatly In Strong Fancy C Boxes, $1.06 ; Elegant Tin Cates. $0.00. THE ABOVE WTICLES TO BE HAD SEP* ■ ^TFLY. FOR PRICES. SEE CATC' No Plays Exchanged or Sent on Approval. INTERNATIONAL DESGEIPTIVE CATALOGUE OF PLAYS, AND DRAMATIC WOEKS, With a DescrijJtive LUt of Amateur Fu/ijs and Articles. CONTENTS. Amateur Dramas, Comedies, etc. . . . ?,2 Amateur Operas 42 Articles Needed by Amateurs.. . .• 45 Beards, Wliiskers, Musiaches, etc... 47 Bits of Burifsque. c. ;n Bound .St^ts of riays j i BulwerLytton's Flays •. t Burlesque Dramas 4 J Burnt (\ rk 45 Oliarado Plays "s Colored Fire aud Table-'ux Lights. . . 4.'> Comic Dramas for Male Cliar. oniy. 41 Costume Books 2.') Cumberiand's Edition H) Darkey Dramas 39 Dramas for Boys 42 Drawing Room Plays 25 Elocution Reciters and Speakers. . . 44 Etr.iopiaa Dramas .'9 F:veninar'3Entertammeat -lit Fairy Plays 4i ' French's Editi'in 2 French's Englisii Operas 42 French's Italian Operas .".7 French's Standard Minor Drama It French's Parlor Comedies 41 Frobislier's Popular Recitals 4.') Guide Books lor Amateurs 41 Grand Army Dramas ,".(> Grease Paints 48 Home Plays fir L.ulies 41 How to " Make-up " 48 How We Managed our Private Thea- tricals 36 Iris; Plays...... ofi Juvenile Plays 4') Lacy's Costu mes 2i5 Magnesium Tableaux Liglits Make-up Box Miscellaneous Books ■Miscellaneous Editions of Plays Miscellaneous Pla^ s Mrs. Jarley's Wax Works New Plays. Nigger Jokea and Stump Speeclies, . Parlor M;igic Parlor Pantomimes Pieces of Pi easa ntry Plays for Male Characters only Round Games Scenes for Amateurs Scriptural and Historical Dramas.. Sensation Dramas Serio-Comic Drama= Shadow Pantomimes Shakespeare's Plays Sheet Music Tableaux Vivauts Temperance Plays TheatT'ical Face Preparations Vocal Music of Shakespeare's Plays. Wiirs ALL MAILABLE AK-TICLES iN 1^1?; CATALOGUE SENT POST FREE. I/i ordering and remitting hg Mail always send Post Office Orders if possible. ro.-.TAGE STAMPS T.AKEN IN PAYMENT. -s^^ — New York ; SAMUEL FRENCH & SON. PUBI^ISHEKS, 38 E. 14tli St., Union Square. London : SAMUEL F R E N C H , PUBLISHER, 8 9. STTxAND. Pavmerd MUST accompany each Order. A Catalogue with ab^ve Contents Sent Free. NO. CCCXX., FRENCH'S MINOR DRAMA. A TERRIBLE TINI^IR! A FARCE IN ONE ACT. By THOMAS J. WILLIAMS, Esq.. MEMBER or THE DEAMATIC AUTHORS' SOCIETY. AUTHOB OF ♦'Ici on Parle," "Old Gooseberry," "Wli© is Who? or, All in a Fog," "Tiio t»eep Show Man," Tweedleton's TaU Coat," "Turn Him Out," "The Better Half ," "My Wife's Maid," "The Trials of Tompkins," "Jack's Delight," "An Ugly Customer," "Kursey Chickweed," "On and Off," "A Eace for a Widow," I've Written to Brown," "Peace and Quiet," "Euth Oakley," "Gossip, Truth and Eviction," "Cruel to be Kind," "The Silent System," "A Charming Pair," "The Little Sentinel," "The Desert Flower," Little Daisy," ■••'My Dress Boots," "Pipkin's Eustic Eetreat," "My Turn Next," "Found in a Four- Wheeler," "Larkin's Love Letters," "Lion Slayer; or. Out for a Prowl!" "Dandehon's Dodges," "A Cure for the Fidgets," "A Silent Protector," "One Too Many for Him," "Who's to Win Him?" "Flo's First Frolic," "The Volunteer Eeview; or, the Little Man in Green/' etCj etc., etc NEW YOEK: SAMUEL FRENCH, PUBLISHER, Jg2 ]Sf^^,sAU Street. -'u-7- f R^ _^^s^> ^5 Fini pei'formed at Astky's Tiieaier, {under the management of Mr. E. T, SmUh) Mcynday, 27t/i December, 1869. CAST OF CHARACTERS.— [A Terrible Tinker.] An Itinerant Tinker — 1st ) ,, ^-t , ^ , low comedy. \ Mr. Edmund Oieii. {An Unreasonable ) Husband — 1st old > Mr. IT. Dudley. man. ) Mr. Godfrey Gadabout, j ^"^^ comedy '^^^ [ '^^''' ^^'^^^«^'^- i A Greengrocer and Small ) f ^ Stumps, •< Coal Man — 2nd J.ow > j o Mr. St.Alhyn. { comedy. ) J Billy Sutton, (A "Climbing l^y") | hj ^^r. Gardiner. ,, I A "Middle-aged" SIufiBn ) I ^ nr c ..i. ^^^^^^' "i Man. \ [ S- ^^'*- '^^^^^ Laura, (Poppington's Wife — 1st walking lady,) Miss Constance Brabant. Matty, (An Impertinent Housamaid) 3Iiss Tilly Wright. JO^XAH, \ S^'^'l^'lS?:'^ "^ «'^' [ Mi. Fannie Ho.ara. SCENE. — The interior of Cayenne Cottage, within "easy rail" of the metropolis. TIME. — The immediate present. SAM SAWDER. — Velveteen coat, (shabby) leather apron, corduroy knee breeches, blue worsted stockings, thick lace-up boots, but- tered old hat, red neckerchief. POPPINGTON. — Blue frock-coat, buff waistcoat, white trousers, iron- gray wig and beard, &c. , &c. GADABOUT. — Light morning suit, white hat, eye-glass, short cane, &c., &c. N. .B.- Must have dark hair. STUMPS. — Coal heaver's grimy 3»cket and fantail, &o. MIVINS. — Brown paper cap, large white apron. SUTTON. — Sweep's working costume, brush, &c. LAURA POPPINGTON.— Elegant morning dress. JOANNAH. — Countryfied make-up — serge dress, hob-nailed boots, worsted stockings, straw hat^ &c. MAITY. — Smart housemaid s make up. A TERRIBLE TINKER. SCENE. — A xvell-furnished parlor ; principal entrance at hack. Doors »• and L. ; large ivindow u. 2 e. overlooking the road. Table, chairs, Sfc, first loing r., a sideboard; near sideboard, a sofa; near table R., an easy chair, against tvhich a thick walking stick is resting. Mattib discovered, as the curtain rises, arranging china on sideboard. Matty Well, I never see sich a house for breakages, as this here — here's half the new seto' warigated chancy gone already — hut master is that awful passionate, that the plates ought to ha' been made o' pewter and the cups o' cast iron — he's spent half his life in the Hiug- ies and the hot weather has spoilt his temper for him. [A tremendous smash of crockery is heard K.] Ah ! that's young master Theophilus James, that is— he is the most destructivest young imp Jis ever I came anigh! He's the werry counterpane of his father. Howsomever, 1 ain't a going to flurry myself ! Mr. Poppington [Shouting aiid ringing outside, L.] Mat-ty ! Matty [Approaching door, L.] Ah, there's master. [Shouting.^ Co-ming ! he's in a pretty tantrum this morning, he is ! Sam Sawder ^op« his head through door at back, c. Sawder Knives to grind, scissors to grind — Matty [Impatiently.'] No, no ! Sawder [Continuing.'] Pots to mend, kettles to mend ! Matty [Impatiently.] No, nothing of tlie sort — Sawder Brass to mend, copper to mend. Matty [Bawling.] Nothing to mend, I tell you. How dare yen. walk into the house in this here permiscus manner? but it all comes q' 4 A TERRIBLE TINKER. livin' in a secluded willa, with a back garden that opens on a lane and a kitchen which it is on the same floor with the parlor ! Sawder [Irtdignantli/.] I tell you, young 'ooman, I'm come on bis- ness. I'm a /independent bartizan, and I've got a Amterduction from the family greengrocer. 3Ir. F. [lioarinff and ringing outside, R.] Ma- -a— a — tty ! ! Maity [l{oaring.\ Co-ming ! \To Sawder pertly.'] Now be off, will you Sawder {Expostulating.'] But don't I tell yer— 3Iatty {Pushing him off at bax:.k.] Be off, about your business ! [Slams door c. in his face and hastily re-crosses to door R., exclaiming.] I never see Buch hiraperence in all my born days ! Mr. P {Furiously ejaculating, r.] Ma— a— a— atty ! Matty {Shouting.] Co-ming! [fixtf hastily, K. As Matty goes out, the door at hack c. re-opens. Sawder pops his head in and then cautiously re-enters. Sawder {Offended.] "Go about my bisness!" Then what did Muster Stumps, the greengrocer, mean by telling me they wanted a fuss-rate tinker at Muster Poppington's ? But p'raps it's only that ere stuck-up she-sarvant as is a deceivin' of me — if I could only see the missis, I daresay I might get a border. {Indignantly.] It ain't be- cause I'm a acted individual — you do, 'pon my life. Mrs P [Aside, angrily.] The impertinent puppy ! [Aloud, sarcastic- ally.] Then your affection for Miss Anastasia — Mr. G [Horrified, inierruptit.g.] Miss Anastasia ! Squinting little c^t"eacha^ — a mere u^u&e, a p?retext for obtaining an ent?yance to my charmer's zcesidencc — docscd cicfvvar, 'pon my life ! Pw'aps you'll just permit me to st?t'ike an appu'opiate attitude while I swear — [Throws himself on his hicfs and takes Mrs. Poppington 's hajid. 3Irs. P [Indignantly.] I'll do nothing of the sort, sir. Go away, sir — I'll tell my husband. [^4 tremendous and prolonged smash of china is heard, l — starting.] There's Tlieophihis James again ! [Endeavoring to get away from Gadabout.] What will his father say ? Mr. G [Languidly.] Nayvar mind what his father says — beauteous c?f'eachar, mind what /say. Mrs. P [S'ruggling to get awn/.] Release my hand, sir ! Get up, sir ! Mr. G Nayvar — nayvar till L have imp't-intcd a kiss on that dis- tM'actio^ly fair hand. [ICisses her hand.] TFapturc ! ?capture ! wa.p- ture ! Wefifcshing ! vetty v/cfweshing ! A regular threat, 'pon my life ! [Just at this moment Sawder j9c)/;.s his head in at door r. Sawder [Li his ^ 'prof cssional" to7ie.] Knives to grind, scissors to grind ! Pots, pans, kettles to mend ! 3Irs. P [Terribly annoyed.] A strange man and at such a moment ! [Angrily to Gadadout.] WiH^yoii release my hand, sir ? Mr. G [S'ilc on his kncc-rr^dting at Sawdkr through eye glass.] A tinka?r, by Jupiter! [7b Mrs. Poppington.] Don't be frightened, it's all right— I'll get you out of it. [Hastily converts his short cane into a shcemal'ers measure — aloiul, pretending to measure Mrs. Poppington 's /oof with cane.] Three inches hwo^d by seven and a half long. 3Irs. P [Terribly annoyed.] Impertinent fellow ! what are you doing ? Mrr. G [Aside, comphccntly .] Clayvar, doosed clayvar, 'pon my Ufe! Sawder [Continuing.] Brass to mend ! copper to mend ! A TERRIBLE TINKER. 7 Mr. G [Significantly.'] Aw, aw— you will zfcceive your boots on Ficiclay. Mrs. P {Surprised.'] Ify boots ! Mr. G {Making signs to her.] Yes, -kid boots, with milita?t'y heels — pwetty, \eivy ptcetty. Sawder [Aside, imitating Gadabout.] Pifjctty — vctt-y p?retty ! Mrs. P [Aside, ^receiving GjiDJiSOVi's game.'] What consummate im- pudence ! 3fr. G [Aside, going.] Dwnt that rascally tinker— just as I was pro- ducing a tezruific impji-ession — however I'll return p?resently. [Aloud, at door c] You may w-ely on the boots for Fttiday — 1 nayvar twifle with a ivegnl&v customer, nayvar i- nayvar ! Aside, at door, laughing.] Ha! ha ! Tht^^ee inches bwoad by seven and a half long ! Ha, ha I claywr, doosed clayyar — quite an inspiit-ation, 'pon my life ! [Exit at back, c. Mrs. P [Aside, looking after him angrily.'] If my husband were not so terribly impetuous, I would complain to him the moment he returned ! But no ! his temper is so violent, he would kill the puppy ! I sin- cerely trust that tinker has observed rxoihmg— [Aloud.] How came you here, fellow ? Sawder [Coming forward and making a boh.] Beg pardon, my lady, for interruptin' purceedings— , - Mrs. P [Aside.] " Proceedings"— that ironical smile— [^?iyr%.] He is e\^dently not the dupe of thaj, puppy's pjt-etext. Sawder [Continuing] I was just a waitin' in that there room with your little ju?icwile, till sum 'un turned up. Mrs. P [Taming to him anxiously.] Then you saw and heard— Sawder [Emphatically.'] I should rather think I did saw and heard. Mrs. P [Asifle, ml-iiaking.] How terribly unfortunate ! [Tarns away. Sawder [Aside.] Wont the little '\\\\ catch it ? Sich a smash ! Two Wenusefs, three Coopids and a wallyable little blacky-lopper. 3Irs. P [Misunderstanding — in despair, aside.] He saw and heard ! He knows all ! My reputation is at the mercy of a miserable tinker ! Satvdcr [Making a leg.] Ko offense you know, my lady, /don't want to inconit-eaience no one. I'm a hindependent hartiza?i and I corned here with a hinterduction from the family greengrocer. Mrs. P [Aside.] It will never do to offend the fellow, he would go and tell the whole neighborhood that he saw me— me, Mrs. Popping- ton, with that puppy at my feet. I must purchase his silence by some means or other. [Aloud.] Stay, \^y good man — Saicdcr [At door, eagerly turning round.] Anything to mend, lady ? 3Irs. P A— a — I rather think I have -the Little parlor bellows is broken. Sawder Tliank'ee, marm. [Aside, complacently.] I somehow thought I should get a border. If public characters on'y knowcd the wally o' persewerance, theo'd never take "720" for a hanswer. [Aloud.] Tliat's a nice little junewile o' your's in t'other room — I declare he had quite a game wi' I. [ Wiping his face icith handkerchief.] He's made me quite thirsty like. A TERRIBLE TINKER. Mrs. P [Aside.'] Thirsty ! an indirect way of asking for something to drink. The fellow feels his power and is determmed to profit by it. [Crosses, during last tvords, to sideboard and returjis with decanter and glass— pouring wine into glass.'] Here is a glass of wine. Sawder [Overcome — taking glass.] Wine ! The likvid of the harris- tocracy ! This is prime ! [Making a leg.] My lady, Sam Sawder sends yer his respectful compliments, and at the same time, purlitely looks tivards ye. [Drinks. 3Irs. P [Rather confused.] I — I trust you will keep strict silence about — yo%i, knoiu ivhat. Saivder [Not understanding, surprised.] I know what ? Mrs. P [(}yntinuing significantly.] What you accidentally sffiyancfAmrc? just now. Sawder Just now ? [Misunderstand itig.] Oh, ah ! yes, to be sure. [Aside.] Them chimbley hornhnmts — that 'ere little blacky-topper. 3frs. P If my husband were to know — Sawder [Suggestively.] He'd kick up a bobbery ? Mrs. P [Sighing.] He would indeed ! Sawder [Enquiringly— pantoviiming the action of heating v:ith a stick.] You don't mean — toko ? Mrs. P [Nodding assentinghj.] I— T fear so ! Sawder Worry nat'ral, too ; \vc'd,ll wailies our own. Mrs. P [xiside.] "We all value our own!" What hitter sarcasm! [Aloud.] I may rely on your secrecy ? Sawder [Emphatically.] In course you may— d'ye think Sam Sawder would cause any unpleasantness to sich a faskinatin' young party ? Vy, lor bless yer, it ain't in his purfession,il natur'. Mrs. P [Much relieved.] I glad to hear it. Take another glass. [Fills his glass. Sawder [Ajjprovingly.] I don't care if I docs ; there's a smack about this here harristocratic likvid as I approves on unkimmon. [Drinks^^ But I say, if you lias such a think as a mo.-sel o' summit 'stautisiA on the premises, I wouldn' t be above dispogin' on it. 3Irs. P [Aside, alarmed.] That evidently means lunch. He i\m^r\Y intends to obtain as much for his secrecy as possible. [SIv^ hasiUy crosses to sideboard, n. 1st imng, takes out cold pie, plates, &c., andplu ni them on table— tvhile she is doing this. Sawder, pintomiming intense saMjf action, pours out another glass of wine.] Here, help yourself, but pray 'ua quick about it ! -*_. Sawder [Delighted.] A rabbit-pie With hingons to match, ar 4 hinside crust, and all complete ! This is a hcstablishment ! [Sittiniy down at table and eating voracioushf.] As prime a tooilful as I've had \ ^is many a day ! [Struck by a siulden idea, jumping up with his mouth full ] I say, ray sister Joannah's a minding the traps outside. She's ma.,% fond o' rabbit-pie, she is. 3Irs. P [ Vacantly — not taking the hint.] Is she ? Saivder [With his mouth fall.] She's a prime lass, is sistes Jo-annah. She's just come up along o' I from Muggleton — she's mj preati*^.. A TERRIBLE TINKER. 11 Matty [Saucily.'] I says it, and I repeats it, and, I says it again ! Mrs. P {Very angrily.'] Unparalleled impertinence! Leave the house directly ! Sawder i and y [Together.] Leave the house directly. Joan ) Matiy [Saucily.] I rekvires my month's notice. Mrs. F You shall have your month's money. Here ! [Gives Matty money.] Pack up your things and leave the house immediately. Sawder [ Who has meanwhile helped himself to another piece of pie — with his mouth full.] D'ye hear? [Bawling.] You're to leave the house immediately ! Ifatfy [Turning hack.] But stop a bit — there's sixpence as I advanced this morning to pay the baker, because he knowed you too well to give credit. Mrs. P [Indignantly, ffivn7ig money.] Leave the house this very in- stant ! aiv er J j^^^^y^^gj,,^ ^^p^,^ Matty a?id bawling.] Leave the house this j^ f house this wery instant ! 3fatty [At door, c, skieking.] Tinkers ! ! Sawder ) and \ [Pushing Matty out.] Out with yer ! [Exit Matty, c. Jo:tn ) Sawder [Coming down.] Well, missis, we've got rid of her nicely for yer! Matty ]Recippearing at door, c, shouting] Tinkers ! ! ! [Sawder and Joannah rush up to back and drive Matty out again. Sawder AVell, that is the most owdaciousest young female as ever I come anigh. [To Mrs. Poppington.] It's a blessin' she's off the premises ! Mrs. P [Aside, distracted.] Dear, dear, my husband will be home to dinner presently and there will be nothing ready ! [Aloud to vFoan- NAH.] Here, you had better get to work immediately ! ^ Joan [Tucking up her sleeves eagerly.] Work? oh, ah, yes— what be I to do? Mrs. P You know how to cook ? Sawder Cook— rayther ! She's an out-and-outer at doomiplings — and, I say, [Confidentially] just yjfti try her at pea soup — [Smacking his lips] that's all. ~* 3frs. P. [Aside, impatiently.] Oh, this is unendurable ! Mr. P [Outside, Vs.., calling and ringing furiously.] Matty! Matty! 3Irs. P [Starting in terror.] My husband returned! I must conceal these people somewhere, [^o Joaxnah.] Quick— quick ! [Pushing her towards door, R.] Go down to the kitchen ; I'll come and give you instructions presently. Joan [Aside to Sawder.] Distrooctions I what be distrooctions, I wonder ? 12 A TERRIBLE TINKER. Smoder [To Joannaii with an air of superiority.'] Why siJrtmat to pui in tlie pea soup, to be sure ! 3Irs. P [Pushing Joannaii.] Go ! go ! Joan [At door l ] Oh, ain't 1 got a nobby situation, that's all ! [Exit, L. Mrs. P [Turning to Sawder.] And you, pray oblige me by leaving the house at once. Sawder [Helps himself to loine.'] Not if I know it ! I means to stop and see how sister Joannah gets on. 3Irs. P [Hastily.'] No, no, I tell you ! Sawder [Advancing on Mrs. Poppington significantly.] Now mind what you're about, or I'll tell the ^3v'ner about little blacky-topper f Mrs. P [Tragically.] Oh, that aftowma We little blacky- topper ! How am I to get rid of this terrible Tinker ? Re-enter Poppington, ivith hand-bell, ringing furiously. Mr. P [Bawling angrily.] Now then, Matty ! where's my highly scented brown Windsor.^ [Suddenly pulling tip in front of Sawder.] |J7(o are you ? Sawdei' [Alar7ned.] Please, your washup, I be Sam Sawder, the 'tinnerant tinker — [Calling.] Knives to grind, scissors to grind, razors to grind ! lUr. P [In a voice of thtinder.] No, nothing to grind ! Sawder [Retreating, alarmed, aside] He's a grinding his own teeth any- how. 3Ir. P [Advancing fiercely on Sawder.] What the devil are you doing in my front parlor ? Saioder Please your honor's noble washup, I was just a goin' dowB to kitchen, to help sister Joannah. 3Ir. P [Surprised.] Sister Joannah ! who the (iewZ's sister Joannah ? Mrs. P [Hastily interposing.] Nobody, nothing, my dear — [Flurried.] the man is only executing a little order for me. Mr. P [Angrily.] Then the sooner he finishes the Utile order the better. I'm not going to have the aspect of my newly furnished parlor deteriorated by that unpicturesque object ! [Pointing to Sawder. Sawder [Aside, offended.] What's he a talking about? Mr. P Get rid of that fellow directly, Mrs. Poppington ; or I'll know the reason why, Mrs. Poppington ! [Roaring.] Do you hear, Mrs. Poppington ? [Exit furiously, door r., ringing and roaring.] Matty ! Ma — a— atty ! where's my highly ^|gented brown- Windsor ? Saivder [Off&oded.] I don't half like the guv'nor's manners. Who does he call a ^'■hohject" I should like to know? I'm generally considered main good-looking down at Muggleton. I'm a hindepend- ent haxiisan, I corned here with a binterduction from the family greeu" /irrocer and I ain't going to be called a ''hobject" by nobody what- sumever ! [Tiirows himself indignantly on sofa, r. and crosses his legs. Mrs. P [Aside, looking at Sawder.] The fellow has evidently no intention of going ! How am I to get rid of him? It's like a dread- ful situation in some hoj-rible romance to have in one's house a fieiid of A TERRIBLE TINKER. 18 a ti7iker, that one can't get rid of. anyhow and whose every wish one is positively compelled to obey ! Re-enter Joannaii, l. with shovel and co-d-scutile. Joan [Making a series of rapid hobs.] Please, my lady, [Bobs.'] there ain't not never no co:ils in the cellar. [Bobs. Sawder [Hastily jumping up from sofa and rushing to Mrs. Poppington.] No coals ! then you just have a sack in from my friend Stumps, the greengrocer. Mrs. P [Impatiently.'] No, no, we expect our winter supply in this afternoon. Sawder [Persiiasiveh/.] Bless your heart, marm, Stump's coals is reg'lar out-and-outers — all nublJly vuns and no Ijrickbats ! Come, now, give Stumps a turn, [Fmphaticailf/.] and the guv'nor shan't know nothin' about hlaclcy -topper ! Mrs. P [Aside., angrily.] Oh! that f/rrar//'i/nittle blacky-topper ! Sawder Stump's shop is over the way, I'll just give him a hail. Mrs. P [Aside, distracted.] To be actually dictated to in my own house by a miserable tinker! [Wildly.] Oh, it's like a horrible dream ! Sawder [Who has meamchile crossed to ivindow, r..] Hi, Stumps ! ^ [Makes signal from icindow. Mrs. P What is to be done ? [fo Joannah, ivho is standing in a fit of deep abstraction, gazing meditatively before her.] Here — what's your name? "^- [Pinches Joaxnah's arm. Joan [Shouting.] Oh! [With looby sentimentality.] I was a thinking of the duck-pond on our willage green. Mrs. P [Angrily.] Then don't think of it any more! [Drnicing Joannah to door, l ] Come this way. Oh, dear ! oh, dear ! what will my husband say ? Joan [At door, l.] Oh ! arn't I got a nobby sittyvation ! [Exeunt Mrs. Poppington and Joannau, l. Sawder [At window.] Now then, Stumps, bring over a hundred o' your werry best specimen Wallsends. ' Stumps [Outside.] All right ! Sawder [Shouting ] And I say, look sharp, d'ye hear ? Stumps [Outside.] I'macomin'. Sawder [Coming away from window.] I feels it a dooty to put summat in Stumps' Avay, 'cos he always recommends me in the tiukerin' line. How precious lucky I seed tha^^re smash ! The missus daresn' t deny me nothing for fear I shoijff?ftell the gov' nor ! ho, ho ! I ray- ther approves o' this here style o' thing — it's a deal better than trampin' about the country a hollerin' one self red in the face for a hungratcful public. [Sits down in easy-chair near table and crosses his legs.] This ts stunnin' ! [Inspecting his boots.] Halloa! vy there's a crack in vun o' my huppers— nowl wonder !f that ere dandy shoemaker as was a measurin' the missus, would make me a pair o' boots ? and why shouldn't he? isn't a tinker's money as good as any one else's? [Jor/ging vv and down in arm-chair.] I shouldn't mind a continivauce of 14 A TERRIBLE TINKER. this hQre—[Stnick by a sudden ideaJ] I knows what I'll do. There's a deal of smashing done in this here establishment ! I'll soft Sawder the missis to get me tuk on as private tinker to the family ; [Jogging up and doivn in chair ^ it will he a savin' to 'em in the long run, darned if it won't ! [Tha.nps table toith his hand, and in doing so, strikes accordio?!.] Halloa! [Taking it uj).] What the dickens be this ? the missus said something about a parlor bellows— I dessay this be it. [In moving accordion it squeaks.'] Well, I never ! if there ain't jnjfszc in it ! so, that's what quality folks call o. parlor bellows, is it? Ho, ho! vy it arn't got never no nozzle — ho, ho ! well, they are got queer names for things now-a-days. [Inspecting accordion.] I sees what he wants, I'll sawder up this here end and put a ni^zle on to t'other — I'll make a useful article on him 1 Stu7nps [Outside, c] Coals ! Sawder [Majestically.] Walk in ! Enter Stumps, at back, c, ivith sack on his back. Stumps [Com,ing down.] Now then, Sawder, as the poet says, vere vill you have 'em? ^ Sawder [Confideiitiall^] beckoning i^Tvy^s towards hijii.] Stumps, my boy, a word with yer, private and confidential. [Mysteriously.] I'm king o' the castle here ! ■< — ^ Stumps [Surprised.] Lor ! Sawder I've got the missis clean mider my thumb ! Slumps [Surprised.] You don't meitn that ! Sawder [Striking a di^ufied attitw&S^ continuing.] Tinker though I be, I can give the custom o^" this here 'st#lishment to any vun I likes. Stumps Well, I never ! [Eagerlg.y' Then, as the poet says, I hears as how the kitchen chimney wants sweeping— s'posc you gets the job for my nevvy, Billy Sutton — he's oiitside the public now. Sawder [Importantly.] I'll make it all right for Billy. I'm just a stcppin' out to knock ofif a little purfessional bisness and I'll tip Billy the wink. [At door, coyisequentiaUy , striking attitude.] You don't know any other deservin indi?r?ddle as wanjs recomraendin'? Stumps [Reflecting.] Yes, I does ; there's Mat Mivins, the middle- aged muffin man I he's a ivery deservin' indiwiddle, jist you give him a border! ^ ^ * <;- Sawder [Patronmngly.] I ivill, my boy — I «-?^give Mivins a border. Do as you'd be done by, is my moMo, .«nd the 'art as can feel for another, is my sentiments. /'/^^R^^ivins a hordel- ! '^Exii, cons^qumtiaUy, at back, c. Stumps [Suiprised.] Well, this is mysterious ! Vy, Sawder seems to ha' hinctnnivated hissclf right into the buzziin. o' this here family. Howsomdever, as the poet says, it's all vun to me as long as I gets my little sum tottle. I'll just take these here Wallsends round to the kitchen. Re-enier Mr. Poppington, e. , with a large hair-brush in each hand— in one hand he also carries a hand-hell which he is ringing violently. A TERRIBLE TINKER. 15 Mr. P [Roaring.'] Here, Matty— Mrs. Poppington— wheie's my crystallized bear's grease ? \_Pulh up short in front of Stumps.] Who are you ? V, Stumps [Rather alarmed.] A— a— I be come wi' — the coals, your washup— fuss rate articles they are too. [Takes a h'lndful of very smalt coals from sack and hands them to Mb. Poppington.] Just run your washup's eye over the /ceevality. Mr. F [In a furions passion, violently knocks small coals out of Stump's ha7id into the air.] Kec-valify be hanged ! What the devil do you Tnean by bringing coals into my parlor ? V Stumps [Alarmed.] Yy, your washup, seein' as how Sara Sawder vos a lookin' out of that there wind^'— Mr. F [Fariomly.] Sam Sawdcr!""''W hat right has Sam Sawder, or any other Sam, to be lookin' out o' my window ? Sutton [Outside.] Ser-veep ! Mr. F [Startinrj violently.] What's that? , Stumps [Bawling.] Come in ! Enter Billy Suttox, c, in sweep s working dress, ivith brushy &c. - Slumps [Introducinrj.] It's only my nevvy, Billy Sutton. Mr. P [Inariicula-e icilh rage.] Billy Sutton ! What business has Billy Sutton in my parlor ? [Furiouslg.y-'wVout, Billy Sutton ! Sutton [Alarmed.] Please your hjOnor's rcv'rence I — I — be come after the back kitchen chimbley. _^| Mr. P [Roaring.] The back Idtdlien chimney isn't in the front par- lor! [Furious.] I will ?2oi allow my newly furnished apartments to be turned into a public thoroughfare for smutty-faced vagabonds ! Mwins [Outside at back, c] Muf-iins ! Mr. P [Starting violently.] Eh ! what ? Slumps Walk in ! Enter MiviNS, at back, c, ivith basket. Mivins [Coming forward — presenting basket to PoppixCfiON.] Please, sir, it's five dozen o' crumpets, as was ordered for Muster Poppington. Mr. P [Frantic zoith rage, Jacking liasket out of Mivin's hand.] Crum- pets be hanged ! [Ringing bdlviolenlly.] Muffins ! ! ! [Correc'ing him- self. No! [Stamping.] 3I.dty, I- mean ! [Roaring. J Mrs. Popping- ton ! what is the meaning of all this ? J^ :t-> i Rc-cnier MB?KrQi>rixGT0\, l. Mrs. P [Aside, as she en'ers, p^rcc'ving the group.] What do I see ? Mr. P [Breathless icith indignttion.] Mrs. Poppington, what do these miscreants want in my apartmenls ? Mrs. P [Confused.] You sc3, my \QyQ — [Ande.] That terrible Tinker has been at work again ! X;' Slumps [Coming down, offended, with sack on his back.] Well, your ■washup, I had a border for a hundred o' best Wallsend, but, as the poet eays, if so be as my articles don't give satisfaction-- 16 A TERRIBLE TINKER. [In turning round to go away, he swings sack violently against PoppINGTon's chest.'] Mr. P [Starting— furious.'] O-o-oli ! co??/bM«rf your articles ! [Stamp- ing] A large smudge on my buff waistcoat ! Sutton [In a tone of offended dignity.] x\nd I was axed to sweep the kitchen chimbley, hut it seems as how my services arn't required. [In turning round, he accident il!y rubs brush against Poppington's trousers. Mr. F [Spasmodically.] Ah ! oh ! ah ! a black patch on my ^chite trouserd ! [With concent ra'cd indignation. I'll not stand this sort of thing a moment longer — and, as for that wretched muffin-man — [Turns towards corner for stick, in turning round, stumbles over MiviNS, tcho is on all fours, picking up crumpets.] Mivins [Roaring.] 0-o-oh ! my iircl'B ihiger ! ! Mrs. F [Distracted.] Oh , /en-j'We situation ! [^s/Je to Stumps or/ic? Sut- ton, imploringly.] Go round to the kitchen, pray ! 3Ir. F [Jumping np and getting stick — roaring.] I'll teach you to desecrate a gentleman's newly furnished premises in this way ! Be off ! get out ! [Chivies them up to the door, c. Stumps [Alarmed to Sutton.] Come along, gents, we'll go round to the kitchen. Sutton [7b Stumps. 1 He are a crusty customer ! 3Iivins He are, Billy, he arcl^. [Exeunt Stumps, SuTTON'^f Mivixs in great alarm, at hack, c. Mr. F. [Indignantly, putting downside and taking up hair-brush.] Mrs. Poppington, the internal admiui3ti|a:tion of this house calls aloud for complete and radical reform. The disj^osition of the apartments shall be altered, Mrs. Poppington. The back kitchen shall be con- verted into the-front parlor — [Correcting himself] No! the back garden gate shall, for the future, become the street-door entrance, and the top attic shall hcnce&iiili^ be turned [Daioling.] into a coal cellar, madam. 3Irs. F [Tenderly.] But, my love — 3fr. F [Furiously.] Don't contradict me, madam, or I'll have the house taken down, biick ]>y brick, and rebuilt topsy-turvy, upside down, inside out ! ! And now, Mrs, P., perhaps some one will inform me, [Roaring icilh all his might.] where's my crystallized bear's grease '! [Re-comm'mccs bnishing his hair violently and exit u. 3frs. F [Distracted.] Oh, dear— oh dear! A pretty morning I've had of it ! And when I think that this hits all been brought about through the impertinent f olly " ( a g A at coxcomb, Gadabout. If ever lie re-enters this house, I — w^ Re-enter GAr about cautiously, at back, c. Mr. G [Affsq'edly.] I— I've just d;poppcd in again. Mrs. F [Angrily.] Then just <^«-o;.) out again ! How dare you show your face after placing me in this dreadful position ? Mr. G [Surprised.] Dii'cadful position ! Oh, giracious ! ^ Mrs. F [ Indignantly.] lam positively imder the thumb of a wretched tinker— and all through your unparalleled impertinence ! A TERRIBLE TINKER. 17 3Ir. G But my ingenious ptt'etext — Mrs. P Ingenious nonsense ! To keep the fellow quiet, I am posi- tively compelled to put up, not only with his caprices, but those of his low-born friends and relatives— my kitchen is crowded with them at this moment : but I can endure it"' no longer ! You, sir, are the cause of all this annoyance and I now tq,ll upon ym to remedy the evil, by ridding the house al once of this terrible Tinker ! Mr. G. [Perplexed.] I ?dd the house of a tinkaw ! Mrs. P [Angrily.'] Yes, sir, get rid of him instantly, or I will reveal the whole truth to my husband, and then, sir, you must take the dreadful consequences ! [Exit angrily, l. Mr. G [Astounded.] Well, this zs a-^eat.' [Helplessly.] How am / to get tvid of him ? - 1 can't go ive^mg and stiwuggling with a j^agged ^^'uffian^y tinkar ! [Puts his hat on table.] He'll wumple my CM;avat and cwnsh. my hwan new hat ! Re-enter Sawder, at hack, c. Sawder [Complacently.] I've made semething like a parlor oellows on him ; I've just left 'un outside to cool— darned if ain't quite a pictur! ^em^ Gadabout.] Halloa! why, here's the chap as was a measuring the missus. [Looking at hii boots.] I'll ax him about the boots. [Aloud.] Holloa, shoemakejt:^, . [Clf:ips him on the back. 3Ir. G [Surpirised.] Shoemaker !^^' Sawder [Continuing.] I say— now that I'm moving among the huppers, I wants a new pair o' stampers, -ciust take my measure, will 'ee ? 3Ir. G [Aside] Now here's a picetty position— aw— aw ! I'll pwe tend to to take the zt'uffian's measure. [Knetls down and uses short cane as ineasure. Sawder [Inspecting Gadabout.] I say, you be main smart for a shoe- maker ! You seem to do it up raytUer brown. Mr. G [Confused.] Oh, vcz^y b?/;own— ve?ry b?yowa ! Sawder [Holding out his left leg.] A stunning pair, mind you— lacc ups, with a double row of large nails, and tips fore and aft— reg'lar fashionable make, yer know. 3Ir. G [Pretending to measure.] All ttight. [Aside.] I'll capsize the fetched wascal ! [Aloud.] I say, Mr. Tinkaw- a t^yifle higher,, will you ? ■ ,^ [Raises Sawder's left leg. Sawder [Wriggling about on one leg.] Halloa! sboemaker— you be upsettin' o' I! [Gadabout, ichile pretending to take measure, gives Hawdeh a vigorous * -hoist, ' ' under sole of left^p^rWhich upsets him.] Now then — what be 'eo about ? Stow it, wi^cc ? Mr- G [Aside, dragging ^AWDEn by the left leg towards door, c] I'll twcat him like daddy-long-legs— I'll take him by the left leg and dzrag him .down stairs ! [Just as Sawder is spratv'ing on the ground, r. , roaring, and Gadabout is seizitig him by the leg, re-en'cr Poppingto.v, r.] Sawdei' [Shouting] Halloa, I say— leave go! This isn't the way they measure folks at Muggleton ! Mr. P ]Contemplating the^able.m before him, amized.] What the devil's 18 A TERRIBLE TINKER. going on now ? Mr. Gadabout, what are you doing with that tintcr, sir? Sawder {Sitting up on floor.'] Why, he was a measuring o' I for a pair o' stampers. Mr. r [Surprised.] A "pair o' stampers ! [Baiolinrf.] You don't mean to stay that he's a shoemaker ! ! ! [Pointing to Gadabout. Sawder In coorse he is ! Why I seed him, this very mornin', a- taking your good lady's measure. i| Mr. P [Astounded.] My good lady's measure! ! ! [Rushing furiously at Gadabout and seizing him by the collar.] What the devil do mean by taking my good lady's measure ? Mr. G [Aside.] Oh, gj^^acious ! _g?mcious ! [Terribly confused.] Aw — aw ! it's a twifling misunderstanmffg. Sawder [Earnestly.] I tell 'ee I seed him a-kneelin' at the good lady's feet — [Imitating Gadabout, makiiig an eye-glass of his finger and thumb and assuming a dandified manner.] Says he— "Thzt^ee inches bu>oad, by seven and a half long !" Mr. P [Seizing Gadabout by collar.] Mysterious individual ! are you really in the boot and shoe line ? Mr. G [Struggling.] Aw — aw- -not pe^ecisely. Sawder I tell 'ee he is, gov' nor — the harticles is a comin' home on Friday. [Indignantly.] / kno^V-£^:l about it. Mr. P [Ulterly astounded.] Astounding duplicity ! [Furious.] Sol, Gynger Poppington, was about to marry my niece to a pitiful pur- veyor of Northamptons ! [RushesJlb corner and gets thick stick.] Get out o' my house ! Mr. G [ Who has meanwhile been dodging about, horribly alarmed.] But if you'll only listen to reason — Mr. P [C'lasing Gadabout and roaring.] Will you get out o' my bouse ? Mr. G [At c. door.] I tell you it's all a mistake ! Mr. P [Roari7ig.] Out of my house ! [He pushes Gadabout oid and exit after him, door c. — loud noise heard as of two people rolling down stairs.] Mr. G [Outside, roaring.] Murder ! thieves ! ?t'ural police ! Sawder [Alarmm.] The guv'nor's at it ag'in! [U'.easily.] I don't feel altogether safe in this 'stablisbment— I feels as if a steam biler was a goin' to bust every minnit ; it's like furnished lodgings in a gunpowder magazine. Re-enter Popri\GT^||-C. d. , ivith stick. Mr. P A shoemaker ! To think that I, Gynger Poppington, should actually have myiteZ « shoemaker to dinner! 'Pon my life, dress is so cheap now-a-days, there's no telling a gent from a gentleman, or a count from a counter-jumper. [IJjiring this speech re-enter Gadabout stealthily, c. D., he m^kc3 cautiously for table in order to get his hat — Popping- ton turns round and suddenly perceives Gadabout.] Aha ! again I Be off ! Mr. G [In terrific alarm.] Murder ! ;_Gadabout rushes out at c. door, jrursued, as far as door, by Poppington. A TEKUiliLE TINKER. 19 Mr. P [Coming doiim.] Let me catch him here again ! ]Perc:iv'ng Sawder, rushing at him fiercely/.] P'raps t/ou'U inform me what you're dodging about on my new carpet for? [Satvckr lAlarmed.] \y, ain't I told yer? I've got a horder from the missus to mend the parlor bellows with the music in it ! Mr. P Music in it ! [Struck hy a sudden idea.] By jove ! he's been tinkering my accordion ! [Seizing him hy the collar and shaking him vio- lentbj.] Goth! barbarian! Vandal! dolt! what have you done with my musical instrument ? Sawder [Su-uggling .] It's outside a coolin'. Mr. P [Roaring.] A coolin'! Horrible idea ! he's been tinkering my musical instrument— thirty shillings, thirty shillings ! [Throws stick away drift runs out hurriedly at back, c. to n. Sawder [Beivildered.] Be vants sawder in' — there's a rare crack in his upper story. I don't half like that there guv' nor, I never see such a hunresonable party in all my life. Vy, he calls a parlor bellows a musical instrument ! [Crash ow^sz^e— Stumps, Mivixs and Suttox heard at back, laughing andshouUug uproariously, "Ha, ha, ha ! here's a lark! ha, ha, ha!" — Sawder, surprised.] Why, what's up now? Re-enter Stumps, Mivins and Sutton, (c. d. from l.) arm in arm, decidedly ''exhilarated^" and staggering to and fro, laughing uproarims'y. ' Stumps [Singing.] "Fo-o-or he aint a jolly good fellow," &c. I say, Sawder, {hie) we've been a 'clpin' d^oaunah {hie) to spile the new cask o' old ale — ho, ho, ho ! Sutton [Hiccuping.] Ho, ho, ho! And while we've been a 'elpin' Joannah, {hie) we've been a 'elpin' ourselves, ho, ho, ho ! Who cares for old Crusty ? [To JIivixs ] Eh, Mufins, my boy? Mivins [Very drunk.] All right, ])lackey ! -' Stumps [Singing insanely.] "Fo-o-or he «m'i! a jolly good fellow," &c. [The other two join uproariously in chorus— they then attempt to sit down on chairs, hut each of the three misses hU seat and falls on the floor— they then proceed to push one anjther over the sofa, u. , \st wing, and indulge in a variety of uproarious antics. ] Sawder [Expostulating ivhile the uproar is going on.] Here, I say, hold that row, will you ? Why, where' s your draggings up ? Be enter Mrs. Poppixgtox, l. Mrs P [Astonished.] What hidoe^Sl'upTOar is this ? [Seeing Sawder.] Still here ! Monster I do your worst— fe/Z what you please, but leave the house this instant, you terrxhh Tinker ! Sawder Terrible Tinl;er ! [Amvrjed, to SruMP3 and Suttox.] There 1 I told you how it would bo, you've gone and offended the good lady, [ro Mrs. Poppixgtox.] You see, missus, these chaps aren't got no more manners nor a kangaroo, but Sam Sawder axes your pardon, he does, [Kneeling down] down on his bended kneo. [Juzt as Sawder is on his knees 20 A TERRIBLE TINKER. Re-enter Poppington, C, hastily, with accordion in his hand. Mr. P [As he enters.] He has put a nozzle on my accordion ! [Per- ceiving the tableau before him.] Holloa ! {Rushes at Sawder and gives him a tremendous kick.] ' What the devil are you up to now ? Sawder [Jumping up, indignantly.] I say, gently, you know, I'm a /independent hartizan ! Mr. P [Coming down -L., inarticulate with indignation.] Mrs. Poppington, what am I to understand from all this ? Mrs. P [At a loss what to say — distracted.] /don't know! [Aside.] Oh, this is terrible ! Re-enter Joannah, l., loilh^^asin and spoon in her hand. Joan [Complacently] Say I can't make pea soup, that's all! 3Ir. P [Astounded—starting.] Pea Soup ! Who the (/m^s this? Joan I be tlie new cook, your honor's washup— jMsi taste this here! [Dahs spoon into Poppington's mouth. Mr. P [Yelling and spu'tering.] Ah ! pah ! br-r-r ! All over my whiskers! [Frantic] I crm'^ stand this any longer. [Roaring.] Get out of my liouse ! Fly ! vanish ! begone ! [He gives a terrific thump to Sawder, who falls against Sutton, 'who falls against Stump3,_w/)q falls against MiviNS.] Saxoder ' Sutton Stumps and Mivins Mr. P [Who has memwhile fetched stick — banishing stick.] Ruffians, come on, one and all ! [Ruequire my bwim new hat. Sawder [Crossing to Gadabout.] I say, shoemaker, I shan't want them stampers now. -^ Mr. G [Indignantly.] I>wa.t the ^tempers. [Forgetting himself.] I'm tiot a shoemaker ! Mr. P [Getting stick from corner.] Not a shoemaker ! then what were you doing at my tvife's feet 7 s Mrs. P [Aside:] I "have it ! [Hastily interposing, significantly.] You| gee, my love, Mr. Gadabout, knowing my aversion to his marriage with your niece, was earnestly imploring me no longer to oppose the match. Mr. G [Aside.] Oh, gjracious! I'm t^^icked, I'm ttt-apped, I'm ipuined ! 22 A TERKIBLE TINKER. Mr. P [ With much vrhanity.'] Oh, that was it ! My dear Gadabout — [Warmly shaking him hy the hand.] my niece's hand is yours. You'll stay to dinner, of course ? 3Ir. G [Aside-I I'll stay to dinner, but I'll start for California early to-morrow morning. Sawder [.Tovially.] Then he jrarn'f a shoemaker — ho, ho ! I thought he had a rum way o' measuring folks. Howsumever, I've had enough o' pnm^e tinkerin' ; here's off— we prefers the p'ramberlatin' line arter all, don't we Joannah ? Joan Ah, that we does, Samivel. Sawder But, afore we starts, I rekvires vun thing. 3Ir. P [Hastily.'] And what may that be ? Sawder [Complacently.'] I rekvires .VGwr recommendation — if you ain't got anything to mend yourselves, p'raps you'll say a word for us to these ladies and gentlemen. [To audience, dily.] I can mend temperi as well as other harticles, yoii know ; vy I've improved the guv'nor's for him already. [Points to Poppington, who is laughing grimly in spite of himself.] Look at him, he's a smilin' a hactij;al smile. Mr. P [Blandly.] Well, he has, at any rate, taught ire one thing, and that is, never to make a fuss, till you know what really is the matter ! Sawder There, you hears him. So, [To atidience] if you knows any- one vith a crack in his tcmp^i>4y^t send 'em this way o' evenin's. I'll sawder 'em up and make a bran new article on 'em, if they'll just step in and take a lesson from^- All [In chorus, loudly.] "A TsitUiBLE Tinker." R. Me. p. Mrs. P. Sawdbr. Joannah. Gadabout, l. THE £ND. flllOl-S PUBLISHED IN FRIHOH'S STANDARD DRAMA. Lancers T :h Cianvarty Allatooua LuciUe N .■"^'»''V^ L^tc to Mend Enoch Arden Eandail'8 Thumb Liyof !■--:€ Weak Woman Wicked World Lerl »str;-v How She Loves Him Two Orplians Hviiiy v.. uew vereion Our Society- Oolleeti Bawn Un^-qaal Msuch Moth er in Law 'Twixt Axe and Crown M; 7 . '-!• Dolly's Delusion Snowed In PUBLISHED IN F#f^€H'S MINOR DRAMA. Wonderful Woman Curions Case Forty Wiaks AsT, Terrllile Tinker Mv Uncle's Will ISTJED-^s - JP I_j./^-3r3 PUBLISHED IN r S LONDON EDiltGN, Twenty Minutes Ucder an i' - t-g Tmbrella "j- Mr. Joffin's Latch Ksy "! ,. Watch and Wait a. Family rictyres : India Fatal Gla*s ■V!_ Asiiore and Afloat » .*. ii 'ioa Jcaauette and Jcannot Na-M- .. ■ i uour Bridal Wreath An Oia 7J ! Gold Fiend ViUfigrt ; .,;L tingale Toro. Bowline OlT'i^,V'v' Karcisse, the Vagrant rarl'^: s foi Life . The Vampire Chopf-;tit I ioya's Blow in the Dark naudrn,! G ^,ve Psinless Dentistry Keep y-.v«-r i ye on Her Taking tlifc Veil JcKsamr'H C -nrtfthip Rely on iTy Discretion False A'r.;- Who Stole the ciotk ui. • ■• ■■ M Love and Hou>>r r, 'Ml the Cl.'de <.i ". . c. rys Dream Lite;, -v - Who'll Lend me a vrife ]£xtremes Meet GoLlon Plough Sweet ucurts V(-lyet and Hags Cui; for Partner Love's Alarms An Appeal to the Feelings Tal3 of a Comet Under False Colors Heroes Philanthropy Little Vixens The Coming Woman Telephone Too Late to Save •Just jVIy Luck Grateful Father Happy Medixim Sole Survivor Neck or Nothing Poppleton'B Predicaments Auld Acquaintance W( eds White Prgrim Dentists Clerk ^BTICLSS YMLm BY AMATEUBS, kux Lig^hts, jyTci-r COrea&e, Paint:- "^ ■'—7 Pa Tableaux Jjights, Prepared Burnt tiiag- for Private Theatricals. ss, rthiopi./.ii r bai-ades, Amateur's Guide, Guide to kill Si^^c\ "^■■ion Square, W. Y. K LIBKHKY Ul- QJUNUREbb FRENCH'S SCEITES FO From approved designs. Representing scenes i _ ^^- Ciio ojn -w invaluable to amateur scene paiutrs and also a 014 549 o41 T sionals. Measurement 16>i in. oy x-j>^ in. Price Colored, each, 30 cents. Plain, each, 15 cents. BACK SCENES. The letters denote what borders and sides will go with the scenes. 10. Library (j) .il8. Attic {bj) 11. Street, Foreign, («7- 1.^. Lodging House Room (J) 12. Roadside Inn with|'20. Vula (a/), river and bridge (A: |21. Court of Justice (A) 13. Foreign Hotel ext.(a/) 122. Baronial Hall (/t fc) 14. Ship Deck 23. Proscenium, right 1. Cottage, Interior (j b) 2. «' Exterior [af] 3. Wood (at) 4. Prison ^c I) 5. Field (a k) 6. Castle (k) 7. Street (g) 8. Palace (d h) 9. Drawing-room (J) 15. Ssascape (fc) 16. Cave (C I) 17. Mountain Pass (6 k) 23 a 24. Curtain 25. Drop Scene. ielt a Foliage Borders. 6 Rocks and Raft Borders, c Stone Borders. d Fancy Borders. BORDERS AND SIDE?!. Price Colored, each, 30 cents-'-^Ttei.n, jach, 15 cents. e Foreign Exterior Sides, j j Interior Sides. /Tree Sides. g Exterior Sides. A Pillar Sides. k Field and Rock Sides. I Stone Sides. FEENCH'S AMATEUR OPERAS, FOR STAGE AND DRAWING-ROOM. Comprising some of the best works of the great composers, and arranged ho that they cin be performed ia aay drawiAjj-ji^Arti. — i'.v4ch book is complete ia itself, containing the Libretto, Stage Directions, Music, Costumes, and Properties, elegantly finished and the size of ordiaary music, illuminated cover. This series is superior to any otUei- piib^ii^. The loilowiug are ready : PKIca 40 CENTS ES<5H'. " M F The Rose of Auvergae, or "Spoiling the B Ota, "1 act. Music by Ofifenbach 2 1 The Blind Beg.,'ars, by Offenbach, 1 act ' 2 1 The Barber t>r Bath off-nbach, 1 act , 3 1 My New Maid, composed by Charles Lecocq, 1 act 2 A Fit of the Blues, composed by V. Robilfard, 1 act 1 1 Grass Widows, V. Gabriel, 1 act .^ 1 2 Loan of a Lover 4 2 Trial by Jury, composed by Arthur Sullivan, 1 act, words by W. S. Gi bert. This is very amusing and very protty. There are five males, as well as twelve jurymen (the choru;^), and one female character and eight brides- maids, also the chorus. If these numbers be not convenient, any num- ber will do 17 9 ARRANGED FOB PRIVATE BEPEESEISTATION. By j. V. PJlICFrr^D. Containing 80 selected Tableaux, with :Tistiucttons how to get them up, cast of characters, costumes required, a ".d iuU description of each pict-ire. Alf> information respecting the use of the Tableaux Liglits, and other effects, f describing the music required for each representation. Price, 25 cents. THEATEIGAL AUD FANCY COSTUME TO A large assort vient of above kept in Stock. No Wigs lent ovi, on-'' can be ma e to ordar. For prices and desctiptior' CATAL.OGUE, POST FREE 0:>r APPi/ 3S Kast 14t>i Street, XTi^iion. SctUare, '' N? ^ ^7 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 014 549 841 7 #